#from people who don't interact with me anymore even...
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──── ୨ৎ THE BOOK CLUB — GRAYSON HAWTHORNE + READER ‧₊˚
a/n: pt two here we are!!! do i have any idea where this plot is going??? no. but you're along for the ride bitches so enjoy!! also if this is shit its bc im sleep deprived :)
[part one] i'm a fan
"it all happened so fast. everyone was happy... and then something happened... and now... now he's dead!" alya sobs from her spot on the couch.
"did you just spoil the book we're all reading together??" kira shrieks from her position on the mattress.
"i think the bitch actually just spoiled the entire book," pheobe rolls her eyes from underneath her blanket on the mattress next to kira's.
"oh come on you knew something like this was gonna happen!"
"yeah but i wasn't expecting it to be screamed aloud while i'm halfway through," kira says exasperated. "i mean please its not even five thirty yet, we got here an hour ago, how are you already finished?"
"alya, this is why we don't come over anymore," pheobe groans. "none of us were expecting that and now you've spoiled it."
"oh cry about it, i'm moving onto my next book anyway, does anyone want some snacks while i'm in the kitchen?" alya smiles nodding her head when kira requests some food and a bottle of water.
"so we're clearly never having a book club sleepover again guys," you say looking at the camera.
"no we're gonna have another," pheobe says shuffling over into the frame. "alya's just not invited."
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yn.books
liked by alya.green, maxine.liu.loo, pheobethereader, kirasbooknook, graysonhawthorne and 672, 983 others
yn.books the book girlies unite!! for a sleepover a trip and a readathon (alya will not be invited back) stay tuned for the yt video!
tagged: alya.green, pheobethereader, kirasbooknook
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alya.green I AM OFFENDED
kirasbooknook good
pheobethereader had a lovely time with you girls can't wait to do it again (except for you alya)
alya.green u guys are so mean wtf
user1 im desperate to know why alya's in trouble lmaooo
user2 and im desperate to know why grayson is still in the likes
user3 THE GIRLIES ARE IN TEXAS I SAW THEN TODAY AND ASKED FOR A PHOTO!!!!
user4 they're in texas you say 😏😏
user5 divine rivals crushed me oh my goshhhh
graysonhawthorne divine rivals was a enticing read, thank you for the recommendation.
user6 ok so i died-
user7 OH OH OK SO WTF WHO WAS GONNA TELL ME GRAYSON IS HERE???
maxine.liu.loo the book girlies are together again!!! (invite me next time)
yn.books already done ;)
────
"they're mine," max's voice snips through the quiet of the room. she's staring directly at grayson and clearly referring to the book girls she watches.
"i'm not trying to steal anyone," grayson tries to reassure her.
"you're obsessed with my favorite one! why couldn't you have gone for pheobe or kira?" max huffs, you were her favorite. grayson had no right to become - rightfully - infatuated with you, and no matter how much he tries to deny it everyone can see he likes you. its painfully obvious.
"again i'm not stealing anyone, i've interacted like three times with-"
"grayson! the girl you're obsessed with posted another youtube video," jameson's extremely loud voice cuts through the room and emits a groan from grayson.
"i'm not obsessed with anyone," he says rising from his spot on the couch and picking up ruthless vows, which by the way he definitely went out and bought after he read divine rivals. what? he wanted to know what happened.
"oh my gosh they're in texas!!!" max screeches clearly watching the video. "they're in texas for a red carpet that they've been invited to!" she pauses watching for more conext. "they been invited to ask the people on the red carpet about books! oh my god- XANDER. we have to go to this event oh my gosh please?"
"sure and you can bring grayson along so he can officially join the book club, and meet his new idol," jameson smirks from the doorway
grayson responds by flipping him off.
────
graysonhawthorne
liked by thehawthorneheiress, ticking.time.bomb, yn.books, kirasbooknook and 4, 892, 647 others
graysonhawthorne a nice day out
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user1 i need him religiously
user2 NO BOOK THIS TIME???
user3 oh he is scrumptious isn't he
ticking.time.bomb i saw you obsessing over what photos to choose in case a certain someone saw this gray.....
user4 PLS TELL ME ITS WHO I THINK IT IS
thexanderhawthorne oh it is...
user4 OH MY GODDDD
user5 IN THE LIKES LOOK WHOS IN THE LIKES!!!!!!
user6 they're so into each other
alya.green we gotta catch up and talk about this whole situation buddy boy
user7 ALYA 😭💀
user8 i need him to go to the red carpet so they can meet!!!
────
maybe grayson should go to that red carpet... i mean he was invited. whats the worst that could happen?
𐔌 . ⋮ 🏷️ tags .ᐟ ֹ ₊ ꒱
@arqbella, @midiosaamor, @maybxlle @reminiscentreader, @sweetreveriee
@elysianwayy77 @tornqdowarnings, @catapparently, @zenikswaffleshop, @thelov3lybookworm
#ems writes ᯓ★#the inheritance games#the hawthorne legacy#the final gambit#the brothers hawthorne#the grandest game#grayson hawthorne#grayson davenport hawthorne#grayson hawthorne x fem!reader#grayson hawthorne x y/n#grayson hawthorne x you#grayson hawthorne x reader#grayson x reader#tig#thl#tfg#tbh#tgg
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hi there; first, thank you for making this blog and all the lessons you do, i really appreciate them as a Black person because it highlights a lot of struggles i face with fandoms in general, and why i dont interact more in certain spaces. it makes me feel seen
with regards to your questions, i'd also like answers to them from nonblack fans, especially nonblack anime fans. i don't even mean consuming anime with overtly racist caricatures of black characters (because numerous anime fans pirate their anime and never send a cent to the creators anyway), i mean how can they make fanworks of it?
how can they look at something that they are told is wildly offensive, but then defend with "well, this is how it looks in canon"? where is the line drawn between what's okay and what isn't? as long as it's slow and gradual, is there no line at all?
these are probably just rehashings of your own followup questions, so please excuse that, but i do have an anecdote
i joined a casual anime server the other day and a lot of folks were lamenting one Black character's racist design and how often those on social media will replicate it without thinking/caring. The thing that struck me is that, I've checked this character's tumblr tag regularly for a long time. There are always people who will post art/fanworks of this character with his racist design. Yet hardly ever, if ever, (outside of Black fans) have I seen any of these folks- the ones in the discord server- try to talk to artists/writers/fan creators/etc via asks/replies/etc. There's a notable amount of people in that server and a notable amount that agreed the design was outright racist and that they'll never make fanworks like that, and yet still silence
i'm not entirely sure what would be the line, or the "okay, that's enough" moment to spur any of these folks into action. i'm not sure if there is one. the only reason i don't make my own "hey what is wrong with all of you" post and blow up is because I've made a wonderful little friend group in this fandom who get it, and I don't want them to get caught up in whatever happens if I were to make a post like that
And this is just for getting people to stop using the canon design of the character, i.e., to stop drawing him as a racist caricature. This isn't touching on the people who 1) lighten his skintone [he's been horribly whitewashed over time, which has been reflected in some fanarts and fan merch], or 2) give him a looser hair/straight hair texture, rather than his type 4 hair (there's also #3, which is fanfiction with straight up slurs, and horribly racist writing in it that my friend heavily warned me not to read, but that was more of a one-off case and I've had the creator blocked a long time now).
my point being, we (Black fans) can't even get folks to stop with the caricatures, which we have to start with, and then there's even more of an annoying uphill battle with the other stuff. I'm just so tired of all of this; it makes me want delete my own works and turn away from fandom all together because i can't stand it.
trying for polite and assuming ignorance hardly ever works, speaking bluntly doesnt work at all, making public posts hardly goes anywhere (partly because of how rarely people reblog things anymore, partly because it makes people 'uncomfortable' to share this information with others). Black fans so obviously need help to combat this, and yet it's like sitting at a tea party and hearing all these pretty words in this one setting, yet nobody does anything different/better when the party's over/outside this setting.
sorry for dooming a bit, but like, genuinely i would like to know where the line is for nonblack folks? what is the point/are the points where you would speak up against antiblack racism? have you ever considered speaking up? if there's ever a moment you recognized antiblack racism and didn't say anything, why didn't you? did you consider how your lack of speaking up might affect your fellow Black fans? or how Black fans may be interpret this as silent agreement with the racists/with the racist 'norm'?
..those could maybe be alternative ways of asking your last followup question?
(if i've made any blunders or overstepped here, please let me know!)
No, I'm glad you spoke up! I too would like to see answers!
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This article on how the Teamster's union turned away from the Dems and couldn't even endorse Biden/Harris due to a split membership reminds me of a point I wanted to spell out more explicitly. As the article details, the self-reported issues (which aren't 100% reliable but are perfectly valuable) that caused "switch" voters were increasingly cultural ones, people actively opposing liberal values and all that. At this point the data is quite firm on this point, this is just data source #871 I have read of swing voters talking about these as priorities, so for now I am operating as it being true.
You can imagine an ideal democracy as one composed of voters who vote based on enlightened altruism. They have a sophisticated understanding of how politics and policy works, only value the collective, and their choices aim to maximize utility or uphold moral axioms or whatever. Most votes are unanimous as you can imagine, and everything is great. You also will never have this.
But paradoxically, you can argue the opposite is also quite good; a system where every voter is a selfish asshole. They respect the fundamental norms, but otherwise vote for whatever benefits them most. Because people's selfish preferences are very heterogeneous, and economics is so often not zero sum, you generally have to build coalitions of compromise, and they can be pretty welfare maximizing! "making 51% of the country better off" is a bar many, many political systems do not clear. This is the "patronage" model of yore - Ol' Union Boss Tweed sits down with the Dems and says "give us X, and you got my vote".
You used to have a lot of that, but nowadays you can't even swing it. Voters are not selfish, they are ideological. Loosely so, and they are also selfish, but they have a lot of grand ideas about The Country that they slot those desires through. People vote on immigration despite never interacting with a single immigrant except maybe their house cleaner who they like and get for cheap. People vote on education issues over how "the system" is falling apart despite loving their local school and having no problems. Vibes dominante, and that tears apart the patronage network. Boss Tweed can't turn out votes because this members don't care about union shit the way they care about crime.
Some of this, to be clear, is that the political system is too complicated to hand out massive benefits to subgroups these days (if you wrote them all blank checks then you'd prob get some votes). And there are real local issues that people authentically care about, it's all margins here ofc. But generally it is a genie out of the bottle of culture - you can't hold coalitions together like this anymore. People have a vision for how "the country" should be, and that drives people more. Inflation will make people mad even if they personally are doing fine, because they perceive the country as doing worse. You increasingly need to meet those visions in elections, and every year another "interest group" fractures and decays.
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speaking of things working as intended... tumblr as per usual isn't.
#yeah‚ sure‚ whatever‚ this might as well happen.#i don't even have to delete my own stuff anymore#tumlr does it for me#the horror blog is whatever honestly i'm more upset about my archive#posts from like 5 accounts ago... years and years of lovely comments...#from people who don't interact with me anymore even...#i can still see the posts in mass post editor so maybe not all is lost#but maybe it's better if it is#if i can't let go of the things i know i don't deserve some divine intervention might just be what i need
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I realize I've been so flaky with responding to asks, finishing my drawings or fics I promised, etc. I've kind of been drifting in and out of tumblr without interacting much. Real life just finally started, and I need to build up a ton of motivation and find time before I can work on a fandom project. Just wanted to say that I'm still here and still working on stuff, just slowly.
#i'm speaking to a dead fandom but still lol. thought i'd disclose.#i've reached new levels of perfectionism with my art which prevents me from drawing or posting anything at all#and my writing has really changed in the last few years to the point where i don't feel a space for myself in fandom#not sure how to explain it i just don't feel like i really have a space on ao3 or tumblr or even discord. like i don't enjoy fandom -#- much anymore or any/all of the things that most people in the fandom enjoy.#not because of any drama or discourse that happened. i just genuinely feel like an outsider.#i'm still trying to get myself to write because i have so many unfinished projects i want to post#but at this point it's like. writing to a brick wall?#i don't want to be an author who stops posting because my works don't get enough interaction or whatever. the tog fandom -#- is in a quiet period. it's gonna happen. esp with the way fandom is nowadays.#so i don't want to do that to the people who actually read and love my work#i just want to express how hard it really is to keep writing when you 1) feel you don't belong in fandom / are an outsider#and 2) have next to no interaction on your works.#maybe it would be easier to write and post if my wips weren't all long. i think that's also part of it.#so to the people who actually reblog my art and take the time to comment on my fics: genuinely i appreciate you so so much.
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I wasn't about to say anything to this annoying little bitch because they're 18 but when I tell you that aro/aces in this fandom are literally trying to police people for merely being attracted to Alastor now like??? This is why I'll keep on saying that some of you (aro/aces) are insufferable as shit and need to shut the fuck up?
Or how 'bout
Or how 'bout if Alastor respected Vaggie and hadn't sexually harassed her by way of chin tickling and arse slapping, I wouldn't in turn look at him disrespectfully and want to give him a taste of his own touchy feely medicine?
How 'bout fans can do and feel whatever they want about Alastor cause he's not real and how 'bout everyone should stop treating fictional characters like they're real when they're not real? Including goddamn fucking Valentino...
How 'bout another reminder to stop clogging the actual queer and ace tags on tumblr that real ace people might be using to find real community and resources, with posts about a goddamn fucking ~"tumblr sexy man"~ fictional serial killer cannibal because I'm sure that real aspec people trying to look for real resources in real life are sick of all the goddamn fucking fiction by now???
How 'bout "You can write about a characters sexuality/fucking/getting fucked, but you're not allowed to explore or acknowledge any sexual attraction to them while you're writing about them being sexual and having sex, which would inherently require taking sexual attraction into consideration in order to even do that, but you're not allowed to, because that's disrespectful!" is officially the most bullshit moronic take I've ever heard...
#Hazbin Hotel#hazbin hypocritical#Alastor#alastor hazbin hotel#hazbin hotel alastor#the radio demon#ace discourse#This fandom .... is... officially forever changing the way I'll look at and interact with asexual people I think for rest of my life and#I'm not even sorry about it because y'all brought it on yourselves by being this obnoxious...#Like y'all are literally such squares and you probably *do* look up to Patrick Bateman or something and that just scares me ... .#It started with the whole 'calling people Honey and virgin shaming makes you aphobic!' nonsense with#ornithia#and#petitprincess1#(mentioned)#Like... you don't wanna be called petnames or be touched and then use outdated gifs from a blatantly transphobic Jim Carrey movie to expres#that to me and then go on to harass two trans men and try to disprove their racial backgrounds you can do that!#But yes I am going to block you and still vague about it years later when you shouldn't care to see it anymore and you shouldn't try#to block evade me but you did anyway because you're annoying and uncool!#Ace ppl/ppl who complain abt being blocked/called 'honey' an' call you 'mentally disabled' and try to parentalize you and call you 'aphobic#when you try and tell them to fuck off and stop doing that and delete your friends stolen photos from their shitty blog and go out and get#laid aren't cool! L O L !!!#undescribed
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last rb stressed me out lowkey akakska i had an ex like that and it became a self fulfilling prophecy kinda thing..
#like oof where do i even begin#for one... would recommend looking up what pedestalling is so u can catch urself when ur doing it.#and. hm. honestly even working on self worth n whatnot i think rly internalizing not 2 pedestal ppl cuts out a lot of self sabotage#like hello ppl in ur life r there bc they choose to be. you are worth it to them and they are showing u that w action.#u gotta be vulnerable.. u gotta trust in other ppl.. cautious optimism is fine but 😮💨😮💨#i hate when ppl assume what im thinking and feeling and act upon that. assumptions on assumptions.#my mom was like that in a mean spirited vindictive way. my ex would spiral if i took too long to respond stressed as hell#thinking that i had all these horrible thoughts about her or that i was just using her like holy shit I'm just sitting here drawing ajsjka#i am trying to make friends. i am recovering from my own personal circumstances and trying to figure myself out etc.#was also actively working on finding myself as a trans woman bc it was so early in my transition.#idk. like damn ppl have Lives‚ hobbies‚ other ppl they talk to‚ they take time for themselves.#if u don't know and ur stressed about it‚ ask..? but then believe ppl when they answer idk.#sorry.. I've annoyed myself lmao. it was wild... things were dead simple on my end but she came up w hella things she swore HAD to have bee#true and after breaking up w her she kept DMing me w long ass self deprecating vents and mischaracterisations#i had to block her after a while like 😐 u ever see somebody go to therapy and get worse somehow#i cannot fw people who have low self esteem anymore but like i sympathize from a distance lol#hello from the other side of the interaction... self love/worth is hard but please try#ur mischaracterization of ppl based on assumptions is hurting them and it will alienate ppl n push them away#and then become a sort of self fulfilling prophecy.. but also take what I'm saying w a grain of salt 🤷🏾♀️#i just have my personal experiences
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(advice appreciated + long ass tags)
this sucks this sucks this SUCKS FUCK. ive been hokeschooled / "unschooled" for the entirety of my 8th grade and school is starting again in 2 weeks and i really want and really need to be back in school but idk if im mentally at all ready. opening day would be best to go back obviously but i didn't spend anytime during summer preparing for the routine / fixing my damn sleep schedule but i really need this .
i also know its gonna SUCK because i have severe sensory processing issues (tldr my brain Cannot filter out uncomfortable noises / textures / etc andi go Fucking ballistic and melt/shutdown) and even at home im having multiple daily meltdowns / panic attacks from just the everyday noises / sensations so god forbid what it will be like around 300 teenagers who don't know personal space exists.. i also have a severe anxiety disorder / autism so itll be even MORE fun :-) yaAy (thats not factoring in PDA disorder which is made my dad drop me out anyways because its Fucking Hell trying to go to school with that)
but i want this. i need this . iwant to get an education. i wanr to be around kids my age instead of being forced to be inside all day. i want to have routine and make friends and feel normal. im just scared that because of circumstances out of my control ill never get that
#i already dont have the mental / emotional milestones appropriate for my age. like massively behind. bro i need this#having to factor in the school part of school ...#my brother in christ i don't even know how to multiply and divide#or more basic spelling (save me autocorrect)#how will i survive in a giant room full of kids my age or younger who are all objectively smarter than me while I'm always 3 seconds away#-from a panic attack#i never told my dad or teachers any of this because i don't want to be held back and forced to not be around kids my age and#waste my teenage years away#i don't want to be 15 entering back fucking 5th grade#even if im not held back i don't know at all how to interact with people. at all#autism + panic attack thing + i was never taught Any sort of masking or social interaction#not joking bout the masking part.#i envy the people who say they get invisible shutdowns in social situations and people believe they're neurotypical#because if i get even slighty overstimulated i start crying/screaming/running away on the spot#emotional regulation is like . an alien concept to me . my emotions are inherently explosive#and i KNOW im not like this medicated because i used to be on anxiety meds that would stop the panic attacks but-#one day my dad just??? decided??? to throw away all my meds without at all telling me or my psychiatrist ????#“i dont want you taking these anymore” ???? okay ?????#we weren't having any problems he just Decided he didnt want me happy anymore I Guess#anyways weird dad tangent aside#im stupid + dont know how interact + dont know how to be normal + schedule that doesn't fit =/= school#but i need to get an education to be normal ane get a job 😭😭#what do i do#advice needed#advice would be appreciated#school#school advice#sorry for the long post#~ . 🌾
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saw some old stuff i wrote about 3h and man. i really used to love that game huh
#fandom killed it and spat on its corpse#genuinely that was the worst fandom i've ever been in the middle of. nobody was immune from the consnat fucking discourse#the moral judgements the racism the misogyny the homophobia the ableism the raw INSANITY#i've never seen a fandom so obsessed with ''morally ok to like these characters/morally evil to like these ones''#and ofc everyone had their own list that they would then frantically alter to please each other and it was just insane#still is but i refuse to interact with it anymore#but yeah i can't even stand to look at claude anymore i used to love him but now. eugh#i just associate him (and almost every other character) with the Discourse and the ''if you like hilda kys'' types#don't even get me started on bernadetta and the number of so called friends who treated me like shit for being hurt by her portrayal lol#or the number of again so called friends who would bully people for not liking ede/leth#just. horrendous. horrendous fandom#i pretty much only care about flayn now#not that she didn't get her fair share of disk horse but like. it was never the quantities that almost every other character did lmao#other than the people talking about how she was a disgusting nepo baby they wanted to stomp to death or w/e. there was a lot of that#txt
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i need friends /gen (slight rant in tags)
#xelle.txt#i noticed i don't really have a permanent circle of friends. at least irl#i have one online but they're also busy and i just can't dedicate my time to one friend group#i don't know - it's just the people i thought who were nice turned out to be the exact opposite#and when i found out about that i just kinda. lost interest in making any more friends#my partner is the only person i interact with on a daily basis. the irl friend group i was referring to earlier i'm not exactly close with-#-them either#i feel like if i didn't only give my time in nurturing my romantic relationship i would have done the same for my platonics too#that's still a problem of mine. my time management between love life and friends. heck i even got myself into an unsolvable problem because-#-of my inability to stay consistent#also my brain is kinda fried from reading 20+ pages so pardon any grammatical errors but yeah anyway#honestly i've been craving for interaction here. but i know i won't be active and it'd just be pointless#to gain more friends or followers. i don't exactly make content as consistently as i did before#the other day i had to vent to an ai (would you believe me if it was cha.tgpt) about my troubles because i had no one else to talk to lol#there's just so much going on irl 😭 ya girl's almost starting college and they're throwing so much tasks at us!!#and i feel very very stressed about it because they're usually done in groups i am ALWAYS the assigned leader#which gets exhausting especially when there are lazy members present#anyway#hopefully this weekend i get some time to cool off. but next week i'm back to grinding and working#lol i don't even think i'm in the top ranks anymore. i'm so burnt out.#this is what being an academic achiever gives you oops ZZHSIAHAHAJAHHS#imma sleep now 😭#idk you can just interact with me or recommend someone you know who self ships in the same medias i do#goodnight everypony 🫶#vent tw#rant tw
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it's so fun when the people who took everything from you claim to be the real victims. like, y'all want to dump a years-long friendship in a dumpster fire just cause you're in a romantic relationship and that's the only thing that matters to you, go fucking ahead. but don't pretend to be the victim when you were the one who destroyed it.
you don't get to take literally everything from me and claim that you were the real victim when the only thing you didn't take was the skin off my bones.
#sunbun speaks#i keep having nightmares/memories of the 3-ish people who literally left me with nothing but the clothes on my back#and kept asking for more because it wasn't enough#or the fact that every single one of them basically turned into whoever their partner wanted them to be and would ditch their own parents#if their partner told them they didn't like them anymore#using me as a scapegoat whenever they had negative feelings and accuse me of being the source instead of a voice of reason#or just straight up getting pissed at me when i wasn't going to play their toxic game#and by the end of it all i had nothing: no clothes or any of my stuff no money nowhere to go and no friends#they destroyed my life while i was barely a blip in theirs#people who grew up with wealthy parents are fucking pricks#because yeah that's another thing they all had in common other than being codependent af: they all grew up with upper-middle class parents#they just took and took and took and tossed me aside#cause btw it's really hard to get back a lifetimes worth of stuff in only a few years with no money#i still remember everything they took from me and not just material possessions#and in the end they wanted me to apologize to them for being inadequate in filling my role as emotional punching bag#only for none of them to feel any remorse and get mad at me for implying they did anything that i didn't deserve#even looking at my life now i only have my partner and my kids#as much as i try i can't fix the fact that I'm autistic which means i will always struggle with human interaction#so it's not like it's easy to make friends#especially not friends who don't religiously devote themselves at the alter of toxic monogamy and view anyone else as 'extra' and disposable#in a matter of three years those three people took everything from me and despite it being 6 years later i am STILL recovering what i lost#how can you destroy someone's life who never did anything to you and still consider yourself the victim
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Person on my unused old WoW rp tumblr that tried to rp with me like twice and has never had a single meaningful conversation with me: Do you still want to be friends? You barely talk to me anymore :(
#and they asked for my discord which :))) yikes#i love making friends with people i really do but all your posts are ultra red flags and you are coming on REALLY strong right now lmfaooo#when people block them they basically stalk them from other blogs and any other social media they're on and it's like#no thank you you are extremely unpleasant#i am NEVER closed to interaction with people who want to be friends but uh#yikes again#after i've explained to them already that I don't do the rp thing anymore too so like#idk what you want from me you know nothing about me other than those tapered off rps#you don't even know my name#we have nothing to bond over
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#WHY DOES IT ALL HAVE TO BE SO MUCH#i don't usually get like this. im usually a kind of person that just lets stuff happen around me and not care a lot in terms of like social#behavior and relationships#you meet people. sometimes they go#that's how it is#there's people that we just drifted away or they vanished and it wasn't hard feelings#and normally i get over it. i miss them alot but it doesnt hit me this hard#and the thing is i haven't even lost anyone#it's just ive been so angry and low energy and pissed off by everything all the time that ive been distancing myself#and even when im not like that.. im just tired. my brain is clouded i just don't have anything to say#i want to say something but there isnt anything#so i havent been talking to a lot of people#and im like really afraid by the time im done working over whatever this is. that people will have found more other people they#prefer to talk to more or are closer with or we just find out its been too long and we dont have anything in common anymore#because i know ive been away from my friends more and more of late of late ive barely talked to anyone at all beyond 1-2 message exchanges#sometimes not at all .this isn't abnormal#but i happen to the kind of person who crumples if i don't get some kind of interaction daily#so as much as im empty-headed and angry and bad at conversation i need to be around people constantly#at the end of the day i don't have anything going on outside of drawing and talking to friends. i have nowhere to be in real life#i cant go anywhere. i don't know anyone and i hate my family#i don't know. im scared and lonely and it feels like i can be kind of a nothing person to talk to#dib noise#some of this is problems with myself which i do work on and i work on them hard. i don't want to be like that#i'm bad at meeting people too. i don't like taking risks or new things its all so much#I SHOULD CLARIFY. i am happy for poeple i am close to when they meet new people. i love hearing about them#and meeting them. i just have a horrible fear of being replaced or forgotten
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tryinggg to get ch 3 of diego horse girl fic done tonight but yeesh it's been so tough motivating myself when i'm sure it's being written for an audience of me and maybe three other people
every time i get a new comment on ao3 it's for my longass 200k childhood friends to lovers fic from my ushiten days and as much as i Appreciate it and it does make me feel really really good it's also like... man i want people to read my stuff now as well??
#starting to make me feel like i haven't grown as a writer at all which is a bit Scary#bc i don't particularly like my old stuff anymore. i contemplated deleting it but i knew people liked it so i didnt#so i just can't gauge if i've gotten better or not and i suppose it doesn't matter but also#it's very odd to go from being a fairly popular writer in a previous fandom to now an obsolete one who gets rare interaction#how entitled does that fuckin sound YIKES.. idk sorry i'm in a weird headspace rn#needed to whine just a bit ig#i think it's also a lil bit of 'i want to move completely past this part of me' so i try to forget the old fics even exist
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sometimes (often) i think about the characters i kin or relate to and then the realization comes in again and again that i need therapy (/lh?)
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#unfortunately i doubt i will ever get therapy bcs i have this. thing. idk. but i believe in myself to just rely on myself?#and yeah i uhh can go on more about that BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT OF THIS sorry i suck at explaining things. anyways#humans. interesting. i am fascinated by humans and myself and i'm tired of typing now GOODBYE anyways xiv music is so fucking good#and also idk how to interact w others sorry ..... i am scared of getting close to people bcs everyone i've grown close to has ended up#leaving me or i mess up! but tbh it's better now i think and also not as bad as i think but sorry i still have bad issues with. that#me saying i don't want to type anymore and then proceed to rapidly type out so many words oopsies#pls just do not PERCEIVE ME !! unless you want to ig but idk why you'd want to do that uhm#yk i like tumblr most out of all social medias bcs it feels like i can... sort of just be my weird self here! and it's not fully nice#and i still have anxiety problems and overthinking problems and whatnot which is evident by my 100+ notifs i havent checked since#christmas but that's not the point (?) idk whats the point honestly uhhhh nvm (??)#OH I LOVE FF SO MUCH tbh it's w/o a doubt still my favorite series ever but drake/nier is also up there for sure#which i think is amazing bcs i have yet to finish a game. and ive only like played idk 5 hours of replicant and automata#and then ive already spoiled myself on important aspects of all games but that helps ngl uh. i could explain but im tired of typing#ANYWAYS GOD actually noehgjbsejhbghjes i really suck w interacting w others i really wish i were better at all that#im not super introverted or shy im just kinda awkward and anxious but im a fun person and all and idk#and tbh its interesting thinking abt my personality... some parts of me havnt changed at all from a bit (/pos) like my lively. aspect of my#personality !! i was a bundle of energy and a little annoying (perhaps unintentionally but now i think its a bit more on purpose lol)#but the only person who really sees my true self is me. and the closest to that is lune. but even i dont know who i really am#and yeah... wnvr im like woa ill make more friends !! and then when i have the opportunities i suddenly dont care anymore IT SUCKS#anyways i think i have Opportunities now again so lets see haha ?? at least uhh in school. its like 2nd sem and i dont rlly have friends#as usual haha that sounds so sad help BUT its not like im disliked im just rlly quiet and shy at school..... throwback to 7th grade tho#that was rlly the worst but also now is just as bad in a diff sense but back then i cldnt talk w my crush at ALL i didnt speak at all im so#sorry about that HELPPP I RLLY JUST CLDNT SPEAK anyways moving on in my class rn i do have a group of sorts. like#we're grpmates wnvr theres grpworks and we can pick which is nice! ive been classmates w em all b4 and theyre the cool kids#but in the more fandom sense and one used to be a close friend of my twin and of mine too by extent and then the other was someone#who knew me when i was more extroverted so yeah uhhh anyways#OKAY ALMOST MAX TAGS im DONE rambling. bye. hopefully. bye. oh god
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Head in my hands, I'm doomed, this can't be going on for this long good grief. What the hell does my subconscious want to tell me. Hate the pms hormonal storm
#Guess who had a dream involving the redacted situation :))#basically we were out to eat (friend group outing. Sitting in front of each other because of course) and#1. It was them but it was not them. This person did not have their eyes but it was them I interacted w them w that awareness#2. It was the most confusing thing ever because it was like.#We interacted in the way I'm used to. But there was too much noise (I couldn't hear them. Nor others for that matter) so I had to lean#Across the table so naturally you get rather close. And at one point I got somehow frustrated by smt (I wanted to tie up my hair?#But it wouldn't come out as I wanted) so I just stood leaning there for a moment with my hair fallen in front of my face to talk (lol) and#they had? Rested their chin almost atop my head but like. You know when you actually rest your lips somehow against a person forehead?#That kinda thing. And of course I was not moving out of the position because it was very comforting 💀 only did so when I heard smt#from the others (it started the topic of like 'oh it's strange that redacted agreed to join. They usually don't'#The implication being that they agreed to it because there'd be involved people they hadn't seen in a while?)#and then redacted started to complain about that (other people saying that about them) and going about smt but I didn't catch that anymore#So this would all be like. Fine okay whatever. But the confusing thing is that before that (+other smaller related tender moments of sort)#they were telling me (this part I could hear even from across the table lol) about this person they like but apparently aren't pursuing#(Mind you. I was like. Oh they sound interesting. I would love to talk w them. The vibe of the conversation was pretty comfortable)#The dream ended while the group was discussing smt about how to pay and what to do afterwards (visiting some monument/church I think?)#I remember the time being 1.45pm (the time we were planning to get out. When I checked my watch -different from what I own- it was 1.30pm)#And even during that discussion! Redacted tried to tell me smt (I made them the gesture to wait while we were discussing) and when I asked#What it was about. They didn't feel like bringing it up (+looked like a sad puppy?(?)) and at that point I got close and held their cheek#To comfort them?? Like bro what the hell?? Most ambiguous relationship award?#In front of others apparently nonetheless?? And no one mentioned anything about it?#my post
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