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pumpkinpaix · 4 years ago

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this is gonna sound so harsh but im legit tired of chinese diaspora people who think that bc they are of chinese descent and they have pleco they can act like voices of authority in the fandom. if modao is the 1st chinese book you have read pieces of with a dictionary, if you have never interacted with the actual chinese fandom, you are not part of the intended audience and your biased opinion is not the One And Only Valid Truth 🍵

genuinely cannot tell if you’re trying to shade me here anon lmao 😂

this got long and rambly (of course) asldkjfslj. i would love to make the excuse that it’s bc i’ve got a migraine and had No Sleep but. let’s be real i’m always like this.

ok i’ll start with where i agree: i don’t think anyone has the right to act like an ultimate voice of authority in fandom. i think different people with different backgrounds have varying realms of expertise and they should be respected when they share that knowledge, but that the instant someone starts to use that kind of power as a weapon against people they personally don’t like, i think they forfeit that privilege. no one has the one and only valid truth about a piece of media because that’s fundamentally impossible. i have definitely interacted with diaspo who behave like their heritage gives them some kind of incontrovertible authority over everyone else, and they’re fucking insufferable and often rather cruel, even/especially towards other diaspo. meet me in the denny’s parking lot and fight me for real. i’ll kick ur ass. >:c

however, I also think it’s true that there’s a lot of dismissal of heritage fans in this fandom, if that makes sense, from both sides of the equation: non-Chinese fans ignore our cultural hangups because they’re inconvenient, and non-diaspora disdain us for being not Chinese enough. that puts a lot of us in a position of feeling disrespected just for being who we are, or having our very real knowledge and unique experience as individuals devalued because of it.

regardless of my identity, I have formally studied a lot of things: literary translation, media analysis, the politics of oppression, film critique, religious studies, philosophy, four foreign languages etc. and that is all knowledge that I had to work for, and work hard for. I do have a certain measure of authority on all of these subjects over a layperson (to varying degrees), and there are going to be times when i will be more correct than someone who disagrees with me -- but I’ve also absolutely experienced people talking over that specialized knowledge because of who I am, which is, to be clear. extremely infuriating and hurtful. like, i have cried so much about it in the last 18 months. people see my racial and cultural identity before they see anything else, which is understandable to a degree, but upsetting when it becomes the basis for how my work is judged, whether positive or negative. i don’t want you to trust me blindly because i’m abc. I want to you to trust me because you have examined my work critically and judged it to be trustworthy!

so i guess this is getting into the strongly disagree part of the answer: i’ve been speaking a lot with other diaspora fans lately, and it’s been simultaneously hugely relieving and also really saddening. relieving because oh thank god someone else Gets It, and saddening because pretty much all of us, no matter what kind of diaspo we are (north american, european, SEA, taiwanese etc), we’ve all experienced a lot of pressure in this fandom, from non-Chinese, Chinese, and other diaspora fans alike. we’re all acutely aware that we are not modao’s intended audience because being diaspora vs being “from the mainland” or whatever, are actually quite different things, but modao still feels close to home. even if it was not written FOR us it is still familiar to us.

and, because so many of us are multilingual and multicultural, we end up being the bridge between the “actual” chinese fandom and the english-speaking fandom, which is largely made up of non-chinese. (sidenote: I hate it when people say things about being “actually” any identity because it’s almost always for the exact reason you brought up: to use heritage as street cred. it’s like damn, being “actually” chinese doesn’t make ur opinions any less rank. sure you might be “actually” chinese, but do you have basic reading comprehension and literary criticism skills? no? ok then sit your ass back down) many of us are most comfortable in english! so we produce our content in english! but we also DO often have a somewhat privileged access to the culture that underlies mdzs and can explain it in a language that other non-Chinese fans can understand. so it’s not surprising that people flock to us for answers to their cultural questions. and like. if we think we know the answer, it’s natural for us to try and help. this is fandom! we’re here to have fun and find community! and it is definitely a little bit nice to have my culture treated as something desirable for once instead of just like. a weird exotic curiosity that no one really cares too deeply about. and, since a lot of us are able to do things that non-Chinese fans can’t (research in chinese, for example. ask family members for help and more information etc.) we end up just having more information to share.

I think this sometimes results in a tendency for fandom at large to put heritage/diaspo fans on pedestals and tout them as authorities (or use our conflicting viewpoints as ammunition in fandom drama) when the diaspo in question have repeatedly stated that they should not be taken as authorities on something -- and then, once you reach critical mass, your reputation starts to precede you, and I think there’s a lot of misconceptions of how a lot of diaspo act in this fandom simply because of that phenomenon. most of us know that we’re not ultimate arbiters of some kind of cultural gateway, and it can be very tiring both to be treated as such when we insist we are not, and then punished by other people who assume that we acted like we were.

i don’t think there’s a benefit in trying to keep en fandom and cn fandom totally separate, and I also think it’s unfair to consider the cn fandom the “real” fandom. i think that way lies deeper misunderstandings, gatekeeping, etc. i think we can definitely acknowledge the differences between them, but i think trying to make meaningful connections between fandom circles is really valuable! i don’t think i’ve ever made it a secret that modao is my first cmedia fandom? so it’s also the first time i’ve had reason to interact with chinese fandom, which has been super enlightening and interesting! i’ve made some super cool friends and learned a lot about how fandom works in china, how it’s similar and how it differs from the fandom i’m familiar with.

and then, kind of circling back around, there’s also a bit of a sense like, okay, so if diaspo don’t belong in the CN fandom, but we can’t talk about our own culture with some degree of confidence in EN fandom, then like..... where do we go...? if we see EN fandom doing something that contradicts our cultural knowledge, do we just. not say anything? do we not count unless we’ve already ingratiated ourselves to CN fandom? that’s probably where the core of my strong disagreement comes from, because criticism of diaspora fans as like, acting above their station so to speak, feels just like a tired continuation of the same shit we’ve had to deal with for our whole lives, being told we’re not good enough for anywhere and that we should just be quiet and keep our heads down and get over it. that our opinions, despite coming from a unique perspective with a unique relationship to the subject in question, are less valid or real than “actual” chinese people, you know? and sometimes i see that and im like lmfao just sneer at me for being jook-sing and leave then if you’re so eager to think of me as lesser.

so yeah, basically im of a few minds: true! diaspora fans don’t get to throw their weight around just because they’re diaspo. they don’t get carte blanche to act like bullies or try to shape the fandom to their own personal liking and crusade against people who disagree with them. they don’t get to pretend their heritage makes them superior to everyone else, and i think western diaspora especially need to be careful when asserting any kind of moral lens over the text to acknowledge that we have our own biases to interrogate. i am not immune.meme etc. on the other hand, this vein of criticism tends to put all diaspo in a bit of a double-bind, and also, however unintentionally, plays into the general, continuous trend of dismissing diaspora for being diaspora, and i’m really not about that. i don’t think that’s the motivation behind opinions like this, but i do think that when the basis for the argument hinges on the idea that diaspora are not “real” chinese, no matter how much I too have beef with certain diaspora fans, the argument needs to be revisited.

(ko-fi)

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#Anonymous #asks and replies #cyan gets too deep in the weeds #race #chinese diaspora #statistically average #mine #mymeta #mdzs #ummmmm #politics #??#opinions meme #ask meme

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calypsoff · 4 years ago

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Seventy Nine.

I can’t believe my daughter is a month old already, time goes so quick when you are constantly busy trying to make sure she is ok you just lose track of time and things, but I am proud of my baby girl, smiling lightly at her on the hospital bed. She is dress down into her diaper while the nurse is doing all the checks of her, as a father I just want to protect her at all times but sometimes I can’t like now while she is on the bed. She is being so good though, so I am super proud of her just letting the nurse do her thing and not causing a fuss. Taking in a deep breath looking over at Robyn “what you doing? Why are you taking picture of me sneaky, sneaky” looking over at her phone “I just like praising you Chris, you just do so much. You make it to every appointment, you do everything. My house husband” Robyn chuckled nudging me “awww stop it, you’re always praising me when I don’t need praising. I don’t always need the praise, I do it because I love you” looking at the caption “cute” I pointed at the caption she put about me coming to every appointment “you amaze me every time Chris. You showed me that not every man is bad, even though I did think they are because you know. I didn’t know how one should treat you, but you changed that” I grinned “we are going to give Rylee her second dose of HepB” the nurse looked over at us saying, letting out an oh “she about to have a boo boo then” my daughter is just a cutie, I love it “how is she though? She is growing well yeah?” the nurse smiled “you hear me saying anything? She is doing great, healthy as ever” getting up from the chair, I need to support her in this.

Rylee is stumped, she is asleep in the car seat not caring for anything after that injection. She wasn’t best pleased and cried a little, but she was over it “she is a champ Robyn, not going to lie. I can’t believe she didn’t have a tantrum over someone doing that to her, I am super proud” pushing open the door “she is amazing, I can’t believe she didn’t even really cry or care for it” I chuckled “she is not your daughter, I can imagine how much you cried when you had an injection. You’re a diva” Robyn scoffed behind me, I gasped “Mel! Damn, you scared me. You could have said” Mel laughed out just watching me stood here in shock “you’re so annoying” frowning at her “I come to see my niece, how is she” she rushed over, turning the car seat around “she had her shot, she is tired now. She is doing well, I am guessing that is Monica” I said hearing Robyn’ phone ringing out, she said she was going to call to check on what happened at the appointment “it is” Robyn said “let’s go in” I said walking off to the living room “she is so chubby Chris, can I hold her. I know she is asleep, but I want a snuggle” placing the car seat on the couch “do as you please Mel, I do not mind at all” sitting down in a huff “tired then” she said, nodding my head resting my head back.

Watching Mel coo over Rylee, it’s nice to see all the love my daughter gets from the family “she is so spoilt with love” looking over at Mel “how can you not love this face Chris, she is adorable. The fat chunky legs, god!” I chuckled “oh and are you free tonight?” this is my chance, I am sure Mel would “I am, am I the babysitter?” nodding my head “please, just going to take my wife out for some food. Let us have some us time, I think it’s nice to just spend some time together you know? I just want to spoil Robyn, nothing sexual just a meal” I added “you wish” she mumbled, rolling my eyes smiling “time, I got to just wait it out Mel. Patience, I have that with Robyn. I ain’t like them other niggas, you know the ones that just go out of their way to cheat just because their girl had a baby, that ain’t me. I just want to take her out, a little date but can you take care of Rylee for me, she doesn’t know yet so don’t mention it to her” Mel winked at me “I got you, here you are. What is momma Monica saying now?” Robyn made her way into the room “what isn’t she saying, she said facetime my grandbaby, I said she is asleep. She is tired, she has been through a long day. I will later, but you want to see Rylee photoshoot, oh my god. You should see her eye colour, it’s a light brown now and Chris and I was saying that it was hazel at the shoot, oh my god. Imagine if she has hazel” Mel gasped “she is about to be a mini Rihanna” I think my daughter is already a mini Rihanna “so when we did the photoshoot, she woke up and she also peed on the Dennis, he didn’t mind but she got a little excited” I chuckled “it was so funny, he said oh I feel it’s wet. Oh she is peeing on me” I said through my laughter “let me see my niece! Show me now” Mel spat.

I love the photoshoot of Rylee, it’s just the fact she woke up while we were doing the shoot and her eyes, they were so bright, and she seemed so overjoyed. Dennis caught her smile too; I love my daughter “so this was just before she peed on him, she woke up and was awake just looking around. Then Chris held her, as you can see topless. This wasn’t even supposed to be a photo for the shoot, but he was holding her against his chest and she smiled and Dennis caught it” Robyn explained to Mel “I want this! Print it out for me so I can put it up at my apartment, I love it so much. Can I post a little something too when you both post” Mel asked permission, we have been so big on nobody posting anything because it’s something we didn’t want but it’s time, we are posting her at our own time and when we want “why not, auntie Mel can. I have told the family, on my side and Robyn her side that we are. And if they wish too, they can. But yeah, you can” I said “awww thank you, she is literally my whole heart already, but this picture of her smiling and with her awake. Just her face, her bright eyes, the fact they are hazel here. They really are, they not light brown, they are hazel here but just seeing that look. That stare, she is camera ready. This picture I think Robyn should post, and the smiling one you should. It just compliments the tattooed hands but yeah, I think that” Mel is right “cool, I will post that. Like Robyn and I discussed this, what we want for Rylee. And I have no issue with my daughter doing fashion or whatever but if she didn’t want that, then I don’t mind. I think, Robyn thinks I am wrong, but I think people expect her to be Rihanna, and they will” Robyn rolled her eyes “but she is her own person” we already had this “no, he is right actually. People, fans in general. Like Oliver sending these clothes Robyn, matching clothes to be exact, they want you to model them. You wear it, it’s sold out. You and Rylee will be iconic and it’s just that way. It’s being set up like that, Dior and Balmain didn’t send it for nothing” this has really shut Robyn up, she always says I am wrong, and I am not.

I let Robyn post first, I mean of course I would because Robyn name carries so she can go first with it “I wrote out, I would like you all to meet Rylee Fenty-Brown, the joy in our lives. We thank you for all the love shown to us while on this journey. I kept it short and sweet. That is just me, but it’s posted now” taking in a deep breath “that is it now, most liked picture in the world. But I ain’t being biased but we make cute babies, like I ain’t seen no baby with that head of hair. Like you can braid that shit” Mel cackled, I didn’t know she was recording “no I am being serious, like Mel. You can braid that shit how is it normal” Mel is in hysterics “I am cutting that and posting it on my Insta, you funny but right. She has so much of it” rubbing the top of my head “Katy just text me, did you just give birth to yourself?” Robyn cackled “she ain’t wrong” I mumbled, unlocking my phone “I am posting now, just going to put hello world. I am trying to be edgy like Robyn” she side eyed me “we all trying to be like her, but my niece is the most beautiful” licking my top lip as I pressed post “I am just so worried for her at the same time I am excited for her future too, I praise the love she gets but worried about the love she gets. I want to protect my daughter at all costs, you know” taking in a deep breath “I get what you mean, people are crazy for Rihanna. But don’t worry, she got us, we will make sure she is good” nodding my head, Mel is right.

I jolted up, Mel laughed in my face “yo, man. You ain’t shit” I said with my eyes still half closed “nigga is tired, and you were blowing in my face” I am groggy as shit “didn’t you say you would be taking Robyn out? I just thought I would wake you so you can go and tell my girl she is going out” she is right, stretching my body out “man, thank you” I am actually glad she told me to wake up, I need to tell Robyn we are going for a meal “it’s ok, I just want to spend time with my niece. I don’t want the parents here interrupting us now” I chuckled “let me go and tell her” walking off to go upstairs, it’s late actually. I really just knocked out asleep like that, I get little sleep because I want Robyn to get the sleep but like fitting in Rylee, and then jerking myself off in the middle of the night too, it’s a little busy. Last night I didn’t sleep till like three and then Rylee woke up so I didn’t really sleep, then I had the hospital appointment, I really miss sex. I miss Robyn so bad; I miss her body so much. I just want sex, but I am working on trying to be calm about it, I don’t want to seem like a feign but Robyn stopped having sex with me way before giving birth, so I am missing out on sex, I just ain’t having fun at all with my hand. I need to make it an event once we can have sex, I need it to be romantic love making night. No baby making shit, like we good on that end but raw sex, love making, nasty sex too. I growled to myself “what?” Robyn said as she came out of Rylee’ room “oh nothing” I laughed “I needed to catch up with you actually, Mel is babysitting but I want to take you out for a meal, just you and me. Let us spend some us time, without Rylee crying on the side. I want to take you out, you need some fresh air” Robyn looked taken aback “really?” nodding my head “yeah, just get some cute things on. I will be waiting downstairs” she looks so happy about it.

I just wore a shirt, I mean I changed from a tee to a shirt if that helps but I am so sleepy “you seem so tired” Mel pointed out, she is noticing I am just sleepy “it’s hard Mel, like I am trying to make sure Robyn is sleeping as much as she can. She is always awake by like six or seven and she sleeps early so this is actually kind of late for her so I am not sure about it, I thought she may have said no, let’s not go but she hasn’t” I was so sure of it “she wants to go out, when speaking to her she is always saying I can’t wait to go out, I can’t wait to go back to normal. How about I stay over, give you both some time to sleep in? What about it? It’s late already so like you both will come in late and need to the rest, I don’t mind it at all. You know what I am not even asking I am telling. You both have fun out there, ok?” I chuckled; she is just deciding for us now “thank you” I smiled lightly “don’t say that I want too. Oh wow, you look so good!” Mel spat, looking behind me seeing Robyn has dressed up. I am shocked she did but then again she did take time “I feel weird, like I shouldn’t be? I don’t know, I am just missing a bump, there is still a little one there still. I am healing you know” Robyn seems so self-conscious for no reason “you look amazing” she really does “I love when her hair is down” she took in a deep breath “thank you, maybe I am doing the most? It’s just a meal” Mel scoffed “just get out now!” Mel spat; she is amazingly beautiful.

Robyn trying to eat healthy, she makes me laugh. She is trying to be healthy to lose weight, but she needs to calm down with all that “and for you sir” the waiter said “erm” looking back down at the menu “can I have the Wally burger and Truffle Pizzette and the dessert we will order after. Actually, can you bring out a rack of lamb and some soft shell crab. She is paying you see, so you need to go all out. And can you get me for drink, wally’s proper paloma. Thanks” looking up at the waiter, he is laughing “seriously Chris, who is going to eat all that?” I chuckled, the waiter bowed his head and took the menus “I am joking, I am paying but you eating a salad isn’t going to hit the sides, I want you to eat. Your body needs food you damn rabbit, stop this shit ok? I ain’t like what you are doing right now, nurse said six weeks tops, it isn’t even six yet. We a month in, I don’t want to hear it so eat” I scolded Robyn, she poked her lips out not impressed but I bought her out to Wally’s for some food and she is just eating rabbit food, the fuck.

Sipping on my drink “this is nice, I am speaking on you being extra quiet” placing my glass down “well you got mean with me” I chuckled “I just want you to eat, properly too Robyn. You’re breastfeeding and doing all these things; your body has changed yes. I know my wife, I know the person I am with, the person I sleep with every night, and I know your body has changed. Not even in a bad way, it’s more..” I paused trying to catch up with my words because this can get really touchy if I say something stupid “more what?” Robyn said “thick” that is the word “you only need to impress me Robyn, I see you just pulling at your black dress here and there, your body changed so what. If you looked bad I would have said, ok? You are unbelievably beautiful, and I just want to eat you out, so let’s get on twin. Come on, we out here yeah” Robyn smiled, that is what I wanted to see “this is what I want to see twin, I love you so much. You so cute” she just needs the compliments “crazy isn’t it, how much our daughter is loved. I just seen these magazines and blogs posting her like its big major news, it’s crazy. Like that is my daughter, why is she on the news? It makes no sense; I am super proud. I read one comment, and it said I ain’t ever seen a beautiful baby like that. Crazy to me” shaking my head laughing “I try and not look once I post but I feel so protective of her, like if I see anything out of line I am snatching. I didn’t want to post her but also I wanted to control what they see, I miss her already just being here, and she is there. I keep checking my phone but thank you for making me feel good. And thank you for ordering all that extra food” I snorted laughing “I know you Robyn, you just being good” biting my bottom lip “it’s nice that we spend time together, it’s nice that you make sure we do” I grinned wide staring at Robyn, I am so damn in love with this woman and she doesn’t even realise it.

#chriannaff #chrianna fanfiction #chrianna #chrianna ff #fanfic #fanfiction

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naturaldisasterfanfiction · 4 years ago

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15.

I am a little shocked that Robyn has decided to not tell her mother, she actually hasn’t even told Jahleel, she is kidnapping him and just said a trip and then Dennis is like what is happening and where, also the little Chinese one, Tina I think that is her name, Robyn has only told Mel this and the rest are slightly confused on what is happening but I am shocked she is keeping it away form her mother, unless she thinks her mother will be negative about it but we are leaving for Mexico and all we have is the same mansion we stayed in for the reveal, we are just going to do it I guess and I am here for it but now I am nervous, but Robyn is on it now she is just jumping in the deep end. It’s funny because Robyn is wearing the engagement ring and nobody is questioning it at all, Mel just keeps on smiling at me which is funny to me “I can’t believe you are already leaving Robyn, you said you was staying for a few weeks before going London? This has made me so sad, why?” Monica questioned, we are practically ready to go but Robyn is saying her goodbye’s “you will see me in London mom, don’t worry. I love you so, so much. I can’t wait for you to come and see my new home” I have my own issue here, I am going to miss Royalty’ soccer game and I have no clothes left, Jahleel gave me a top, which is big on me so I am now thinking what the fuck do I do. Sorry daddy is busy getting married, that is all I say to her is that I am busy “I will see you in London too?” Monica said to me, woke me out of my daze “uh yeah” I breathed out smiling “ok good, I am just worried. I don’t want you to go Robyn, I want you to stay here so I can look after you. Out there nobody is nice Robyn, they will try and get pictures, they hound you” Monica is concerned, and I don’t blame her “mom, stop it. I am ok and I can really handle myself. Once I am in London, my doors are closed mom, don’t worry come on now” Robyn hugged her mom “I just want to look after my baby, I love you. Please call me when you land” that is cute to see “look after my daughter Chris, please” Monica said “I will” I am saying that but she be looking after me “men can’t even handle themselves, I will be looking after him and me and the baby. Anyways, stop, I need to go now” Robyn knows.

I haven’t posted on my Instagram for so long, I just sit on here and like Royalty’ posts because she will get offended if I don’t and think I don’t care, she is sensitive. I have two sensitive ladies in my life, with a third one on the way but I haven’t really paid much attention to this at all. I haven’t posted in weeks actually. Backing out of my Instagram and onto Google, searching ‘pink’ in images. Saving a solid pink colour block and then going back onto Instagram, uploading the image onto Instagram. Captioning the image ‘I love this theme, everything pink’ pressing post “I am back” Robyn sat next to me “so anyways, can you all gather. Well there is only three of you, but Mel already knows” locking my phone and placing it down on the table “it is me of these tables on the jet are getting too close?” Robyn said so confidently and it now very confused that it is the tales’ fault “you are being dead ass?” I said laughing “don’t you think? Look at it?” looking at the bump and then at her face “Robyn you are pregnant, you are slow” Robyn laughed hitting my arm “fuck you, it is the table fault anyways. Welcome to my office, come on now” shaking my head staring at Robyn “what? I am right ok, look at that. Can’t even eat right and your judging me” she licked her thumb and then wiped the corner of my mouth “lick your finger, tell me what it is?” Robyn snorted laughing, wiping her thumb on my tee “now why would I do that, stupid” wiping the side of my face “you not used the skin care Chris, I know. You better start” she caught me out, I did kind of forget to use it.

Jahleel raised an eyebrow just looking at us both “so we are going Mexico, it’s something that has just come up. I can’t say what will happen, but we are just going to go with the flow. Just like I got pregnant from my sperm donor, and it just happened. This has also just happened” frowning at Robyn, she knew I was staring at her in annoyance “what!?” she spat, I love that she is so happy. Just the simple fact she seems so light hearted and ever so happy “sperm donor that is sat right here?” she giggled “well anyways, we just ignore him. I am joking but something happened” Jahleel gasped “no way! I see it!” he pointed at her finger “you didn’t?” he looked at me “I am going Mexico to get married” Jahleel jumped up from his seat, Tina just froze in utter silence staring at us. Laughing at Jahleel shouting in shock and then he came back over to us “no way” he walked off again “I felt the same way. When she told me. You believe them two? They are crazy” Mel said “awww the ring is beautiful Robyn, oh wow. Oh my god, why am I crying” Tina waved her hands in her face “I love you so much oh my god” I didn’t expect Tina to be crying “you both are actually getting married? Did he get down on one knee? Oh my god! This is like the most fucked up and lovely love story, oh my god. I am just in love with you both. Robyn!? You’re going to be a wife? Are you capable of that?” Robyn laughed at Jahleel “I am capable of it asshole! Ok? You ain’t my fake husband anymore” Robyn pointed at him “you can still have her Jahleel, trust me” I said laughing, I like him a lot. Her team are a mess, like they all here crying. Dennis is just stood there in shock, not sure his reaction “I just, don’t know what to say. Congratulations and I can’t wait to be the guy to say I was there. I am feeling emotional, to picture your gender reveal, baby shower, now your ceremony and then your birth. I am pretty shook because nobody is going to expect it. I am happy, wow. Congratulations to you both, to Mr and Mrs Brown. We will make sure we make the best for you” Dennis reached over, shaking his hand “good luck” he said which made me laugh “I am excited, but wait till Jen finds out” Jahleel is right, Jen doesn’t know “I just want it to happen and then I will deal with that after, too many opinions is never good” Robyn got a point.

I just remembered what Dennis said now “hold up, you’re going to be where? At the birth?” I questioned “yes I am” Dennis said so confidently “he about to be all in Robyn’ coochie, chile. He loves to see it” Jahleel laughed “really? Is he going to be there?” I asked “yes, I am going to give it a few months and I will be bringing out like a personal documentary to me. Because I am closed off now, I will bring out what I want and there will be clips of this, some of it anyways. It’s just all Dennis for this, it’s personal to me and I will be releasing it to the fans, but he won’t be like in coochie thank you very much. But actually, Melissa! I have something I need you to do for me. I need you to get Chris a ring. I don’t care for what he got on, I want it to be from me” looking at my ring I already wear “I am just married to myself, that is why” I laughed “well I can’t do it so I need you all to help on this and get something for him, nice too” I cooed out, that is cute she wants to get me one “like a friendship ring?” I said laughing “friendship? Nigga don’t try me now” I chuckled, I love her so much and I can’t wait to marry her.

Robyn is working and doing her thing, I said I would have a nap, but I just can’t. I am thinking too much, I promise Royalty I would be there for her game and I won’t be. I don’t want to leave Robyn alone either to go, I mean how is this going to work. I don’t want to leave Mexico just to go there, but then I promised. Let me just get this over with, if I am going to dance around it and leave it last minute I will look even worse. Let me call Nia first because then she will know if Royalty decides to be sad about it, I mean she will I guess. Dialling Nia’ number, looking over at Robyn as she is in a circle with her people working along, as she does “dad! I saw your name” Royalty picked up the phone “you picking mommy’ phone now, give me that now?” Royalty laughed as Nia said in the background “she jumped on your name, hey Chris” Nia said “hey” I dragged out “uh how is she?” I asked, I am making small talk “you don’t sound good, uhm she is ok. She is supposed to be doing homework right now but then she saw my phone ringing, you are nosey. He is speaking to me now go” Nia said to her “I am good, just uhm. Something came up and I can’t make it to her soccer game” Nia sighed out “she’s been looking forward to that Chris, seriously? What is so important? You have known this for weeks this is coming up, it’s like her championship game, you have missed so many. I am not telling her anything and she is staring at me so you can tell her, I just yes” this is not good “damn” I breathed out rubbing my head, I am like choose Robyn over Royalty but I am, but I do love her, this is a mess and I didn’t think Robyn would jump on a jet to do this “I am guess you’re going to let me down” Royalty said down the phone “I am sorry baby, something has come up and I can’t come but I will” Royalty put the phone down on me “man” putting my head in my hands, this is a mess because I never meant for it to hit like that.

Nia called me back “don’t put the phone down on him now, come on” hearing Nia say, “he is letting me down again mom!” I cringed, I mean she has a point because that is what I am doing “Roro, listen to me. Please, look I am sorry. I know I mess up a lot, but I don’t do it on purpose, are you listening to me?” I hope she is “I am not listening really” I knew that “I have stubborn women in my life, I said to you that I will tell you soon, but I can’t. This is important to me baby; I know you would understand if you knew but I can’t. I am busy doing something for me, it sounds selfish, but I am doing this for me. I won’t be there in time Royalty and I know you will kill it like you always do” I feel bad that I have upset her “I don’t want to see you dad, don’t call me” that kind of hurts “Roro please, I love you don’t do that to me. I mess up but I am trying here, I appreciate you so much I know it’s a lot and I kept promising you about the game but this just happened, it was out of nowhere please, you’re hurting me here” resting my head back on the headrest “then come to my game, I want my dad there. No meme just dad, I don’t want no friends, just my mom and dad. You said you would do all these good things and you didn’t dad, you take too long. You said daddy and daughter holiday too” she put the phone down on me again, throwing my phone on the table shaking my head.

Happiness in one hand, and then this on the other hand. My phone started to ring on the table, seeing my mom. This can’t be, did Royalty snitch on me but I have been waiting for Royalty to ring but she hasn’t at all for a good hour. Answering the call “yeah” I said, “you’re useless you know that, what did you do?” well this is a mess “you know what I have done, why are you asking a question when you know already?” clearly she does know but is asking dumb questions, seeing Robyn sit across from me “I do know but what are you doing? Royalty doesn’t want to come with me and said you lied, you promised you would come” I groaned out “maybe I just don’t want to see anybody anymore? Ever thought of that, you haven’t even called me since, but you call me now? You just funny” my mom is laughable “you upset my grandchild Chris! What are you playing at, you are losing kids left and right, you have nobody left and you are where?” she is at Nia’ home still, I can hear Nia saying don’t argue “I am nowhere, just leave me alone. I don’t know what you want me to do, just please call me when you want money” disconnecting the call on my mom, everything is so difficult “you done your little work thing” looking at my messages, it’s bullshit things as always “not really, I just heard you ranting from across the jet. What exactly is happening?” I suppose I was being rather loud with my call.

I feel awkward telling Robyn “it’s just you know child issue” I shrugged it off “if you are marrying me then I guess that is my issue too, so don’t be shy, do tell” she got a point “uhm so, I promised Royalty that I would be there for her little soccer game but like I didn’t expect things to take a turn so quick, I assumed I would be back in time for it, so I just cancelled on her and she is upset and is saying that I am always cancelling on her, she is really upset. I have let her down before. I was supposed to tell her mother about taking her to London, daddy and daughter holiday but I have let her down with it all. So I pretty much just upset her, she does let me off, but I think I have been pushing it. My mom has found out too and is on my case that I am useless, and I have lost kids here and there. I am trying, I just want to make you see happy, you my number one” which is true, I put Robyn first “your mom just ranted to you? Didn’t she like talk? She does like rule the whole grandchild seeing thing?” Robyn questioned “pretty much, I don’t have Royalty at all. Just now, recently I been calling to see her, also she has been wanting it. My mom doesn’t fuck with me like that anymore, it’s always love but that is it. I think once she found out about Royalty she pretty clung onto her and made me just there. My mom changed once she got to Cali, it is what it is. She gives up with me but yeah” Robyn frowned “mhm what is Royalty like?” I chuckled “she is me, without the bipolar, she just a mini version of me. Loves big, she just adores me and at times I don’t know how to handle that. Just pure love, the guidance from my mom was you see her when she comes, then just pay” I shrugged “when is the soccer game Chris?” rubbing my chin “this weekend, but I don’t want to leave you alone” I really don’t “I will be in Miexico with Dennis and Tina, you go back with Mel and Jahleel and you see her game, it’s important she feels your love. I wanted my dad’ love but it was hard because I saw a lot, go there and come back. I am not stopping you from anything, just if those women start being reckless then you know I won’t allow that but go and come back. I heard you saying I said to you that I will tell you soon, but I can’t. This is important to me; I know you would understand if you knew but I can’t. I don’t hold no hate against any child, this is not their fault. And I am marrying you, would she keep a secret?” Robyn asked “Royalty and I have secrets all the time, she feels that if she tells meme well my mom that she won’t let her go with me. If she can see me she will lie, she lied to her mom and put a backpack full of clothes to stay with me” Robyn cooed out.

“I have been selfish in not letting you tell anyone but adults are wack, if you can work it out then you can bring her to Mexico but that if you think she will shut her mouth and not say a word. I feel weird saying this but this is my future and I need to get it together. So if you want to bring her then you can, I am nervous to see her but it would be ok so you can spend time with her and have fun without a judgemental environmental” I can’t believe what I am hearing “really?” my voice broke, then I just cried “Chris, why are you crying” Robyn doesn’t understand how people think of me as this bad crackhead guy, trying to gather myself “nobody trusts me, her mother only does it because Royalty doesn’t let her get away with it and you are just there doing this for me, not even my own mother would say that” I sniffled “it’s all a learning curb Chris, it’s new to me and there is one thing I will do is be there for you always, you deserve some peace and you need help with that” wiping the tears that fell.

#Chrianna #Chrianna FF #Chrianna Fanfiction #Fanfic #Fanfiction

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the-six-fingered-villain · 6 years ago

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Take aways from 2nd viewing

- Casey is the Horde’s kryptonite. Fuck, you guys. True love is literally his weakness, and Casey took him out with it. Dr Staple literally used her to take out the Horde with a well placed suggestion when it was clear he was going to get away. If it wasn’t for Casey’s honest love for them, they would have fucking got away. It’s, like... “here, fans. Have exactly what you want, and then a side of punishment for it.” The film makes a point of pointedly stating David’s (water) & Elijah’s (brittle bones), but it never says what the Horde’s is (Casey/true love) ... because probably too creepy?

- There’s literally a plot hole. Like... a hole, visually established at the beginning of the film with a caution cone. It’s a hole that’s part of the plot.... plot hole

- Casey 110% wants to bone the Horde. Like... all the creepy fan fic? I think it’s more obsessive than we imagined. She’s obsessed. She’s still wearing a fucking Philadelphia Zoo jacket (she pulls it on after the hospital visit) The nostril flare when asked if she thinks about the Horde kills me, I love it. I also think she was trying to tell the Horde that they needed to play along if they wanted to survive (when she talked to them in the hospital visit) She wants them to be ok and she genuinely believed they needed to give up the light, but like, no judgement on all the murder stuff. She also 100% believes he’s a superhero/villain, no doubt. Does a better job than Patricia maybe... hence the purple diamonds on the jacket. She’s clued in.

- Ms Price is lying through her teeth when she talks to Dr Staple, just like Joseph tries to do, but she’s way better at it. She has 98% faith in Elijah the whole time, she’s his Patricia (but better at her damn job)

- Patricia was right the whole fucking time. The Horde were right, and Dennis fucking bailed ship, and he was wrong. I’m a little confused by that, I’ll be honest... I think they tried to “redeem” his character, but it felt off. If they’d just listened to Patricia/Horde, shit would have gone better... also, girl really did question her faith but she held true when it mattered, and that’s what counts... but you’ll never wear purple that way...

- They fucking stalled in the hospital for hours. HOURS. Via the security cameras, we know exactly how long it’s been between every fucking scene. Unfortunately my scribbled notes in the dark are neigh illegible... when the video comes out, it’ll be more obvious. Elijah talks to David over the mic at ~2:30am and we cut to 7:30am for the shift change and David still hasn’t fucking broken out of his room yet. Dude. Team Green fucking sucks and cost us our boys’ lives. David could have been out of there by 3am and well... other people would have died. It would have gone differently at least. Shit doesn’t start to hit the fan till 8am. Joseph is waiting on the steps, Casey pulls up in a cab, Ms Price has been creeping in her car, when Dr Staple arrives. The alert is 8:15 and security pops up at 8:31. The battle’s over by 8:45... Just... feels so plotted... (like it is)

- Elijah is insane, but not wrong. Both are true. I’m 100% behind Dr. Staple on the “just say no to powers” line

- Lots of POV shots and shot’s watching people react to things. It’s not about how the world reacts to them (think wide shots in action hero movies, the crowds fleeing the dramatic action scene), it’s how they react to the world. Didn’t like the camera work (centered on David) in the first fight first time I saw it but I enjoyed it much more the second time.

- It seems like the movie is asking the entire time “are they super heroes” aka “are they in a comic book?” and the answer is yes... but it’s, like, reluctantly so. This movie does to the comic book genre what Cabin in the Woods did to Horror (camp), Red Shirts did to Sci Fi (camp), and maybe what Funny Games did to Horror (torture porn) and What We Do In The Shadows did to Vampires (camp)? I think the Incredibles isn’t a fair comparison because they live in a universe that’s more accepting/aware of them... it lacks the sort of reluctant acknowledgement of what’s going on...

- Dr Staple mentioned they’d been doing this shit for 10,000 years. What’s then? Oh, you know, the advent of farming/civilization. It suggests that Elijah has just fucked a very key aspect of the stability of society. Also suggests things like Templar Knights, Salem witch trials, all that historical nonsense is tied together/is real. “Comic book” just being the latest lens through which to view the supernatural truths. I also like the idea that the organization is just being driven/controlled by some “super powered” entity that hit max level years ago and is camping on the respawn point/squashing all new supers before they can achieve greatness.

#glass #glass movie #the horde #patricia #kevin wendell crumb #review #david dunn #dr ellie staple #casey cooke #dennis #glass 2019

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radwolf76 · 5 years ago

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Initial Reactions Post

(With Screenshots)

So I've yet to read the hundreds of analysis articles that I'm sure have been posted in the past day or so, so this post will likely duplicate observations that have been made by dozens of others at this point, but I'm going into this clean, so here are one Trekker's personal reactions.

(Also this post would have been up last night if my browser and paint.net hadn't decided to take themselves out in a mutual crash, wiping everything.)

---------

This is a bit out of order, but we're going to start with this handsome motherfucker. He looks like he's the Vulcan (Romulan?) analogue of a samurai, and if the showrunners know the fandom and intend to invoke patterns of what came before, he's meant to be the series' big popular breakout character. I can already hear the fanfics being written, probably because they're so damn thirsty. As they should be.

We're shown that Picard is spurred out of his retirement by a woman who comes to him for help.

Now it may just be the lighting, but I swear, her irises look like they could be golden. I used an eyedropper tool to sample image pixels of both highlighted and unhighlighted parts of her eyes and they all were in this neighborhood:

It's subtle, but even her skin tone seems like it could also be unnaturally pale yellowish. But that may just be me reading too much into it. More on this later.

We're later shown this woman defending herself from a set of attackers dressed like if Daft Punk decided to become ninja assassins, while on a set of stairs.

(I warned you about stairs, Bro.)

One of the attackers has a sleek looking symmetrical Over/Under beam pistol which immediately made me think of Disney's The Black Hole, which probably wasn't what they were going for.

Also, even though the railings are entirely different, and the top of the stairs is all wrong, looking at this shot made my mind immediately leap to that spot outside the Atlanta Hilton that is traditional for DragonCon Group Cosplay Photoshoots. Again, probably not what they were going for.

(Source)

"THIS FACILITY HAS GONE 5843 DAYS WITHOUT AN ASSIMILATION"

That's an ominous sign. There's a lot to unpack here. The lighting along the back wall suggests Borg Regeneration Alcoves, but the pointed ears on the guards on the catwalk, the lettering on the other sign, and the red symbols on the railings all say Romulan. Also note that they have the same style of rifle that the attackers on the stairs did.

And presumably here's the outside of that facility that hasn't had an assimilation in 16 years. A re-purposed Borg Cube. The parts that have been destroyed are being replaced by force fields. If the Borg were still in control of this Cube, they wouldn't need the force fields, as they can operate in vacuum, and would work on regenerating the original structure instead. Instead, it would seem the Romulans are using it as a prison-like installation.

Speaking about Re-purposed Borg tech, it seems the studio execs weren't content with just bringing back one fan-favorite to ensure high ratings.

So let's pause here for some theory time. Who is this mystery woman who came to Picard because she feels safe with him, and why do the the Romulans want her dead? At this point of the timeline the Romulans have been without a homeworld for some time. We also know that they've been reverse engineering Borg tech; it's why the Narada was so very Extra.

I suspect that their converted cube is not a prison, but instead a facility that they're using to de-borgify captured Drones, either to supplement their empire's reduced population and become more diverse, like the Federation, or alternately, to provide themselves with a ready source of conscripted battle-fodder.

While they were doing this, they came across a Soong-Type android, our mystery woman. The Borg Queen experimented directly on Data in First Contact, and Hugh's splinter group of Borg had plenty of exposure to Lore in the events of Descent parts 1 & 2. I believe that the collective took the information that they gathered from those encounters, and built their own android. To what end, I'm not sure yet, but if the showrunners are feeling especially bold, it's possible she could represent a chance at a peaceful resolution to the Borg Story Arc at long last, which would certainly be something worth bringing Picard out of retirement for in both the Watsonian and Doylist senses.

But that's just a theory. A TREK theory.

Now back to observations. One question I have, the trailer dialog has been going on about how Picard needs to be the captain again, but if that's the case, why in this shot do they have him in a chair to the side, while this Dennis Miller looking guy gets the center chair? I mean he's got the Regulation Starfleet Issue Captain Spread & Lean going on and everything.

(I'm HERE though for Helm's Hairdo.)

Ok, I know I already made one comment about a pistol prop looking like a prop from something else, and there's only so many ways to design a sci-fi raygun...

But there's no way you'll convince me that the art department didn't totally just crib the design of Worlds of Wonder's Starlyte Pistol from Lazer Tag in the 80s there.

"Engage"

Look at this smile. He's so glad to be back, actor and character.

(Alternate caption: “Pull my finger.”)

"I don't want the game to end."

The last time Picard was a Captain on the small screen, All Good Things, the final scene had him joining in with the bridge crew's poker game, so this scene bookends that hiatus beautifully.

Until that is, we see his opponent.

Data, B4, or whoever this is, just looks badly off. I understand that they had to deal with Brent Spiner aging while playing a character who is ageless (though a line of dialog from the episode Inheritance established that Soong had given him an Aging program), but whatever they did here missed the mark by quite a bit.

My wife was so offended by this, she took straight to Photoshop to fix it: "most of it was giving him back his eye bags, making the pupils bigger and giving his eyes some life, and whitening his brows and lashes."

CBS, if you're listening, take notes.

#Star Trek #Star Trek: Picard #ST:P #SDCC #SDCC Trailer #Trailer #Also They confirmed the dog's name IS Number One #blind reaction

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the-working-class-guide-to-films · 6 years ago

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Captain Marvel-Spoiler Free

1995. What a year. We had a bunch of excellent films released, Toy Story, Casino, Heat. The ultimate; walking home drunk song with your mates, Wonderwall, was released by Oasis. In football, Arsenal just bought Dennis Bergkamp, the most beautiful baller ever. I was born, so that was decent. And in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, Captain Marvel crashed onto Earth, with events that inspired a decades worth of mediocre films.

In all seriousness, there’s been a lot of ‘broflakes’, I’m guessing guys who can’t deal with a woman being the centre of attention and they are saying the film is shit. You guys are scum. It’s not shit. However, it also shouldn’t be hyped up as much as it has been, it’s a decent Marvel film, it’s not one of the best. And as fantastic as it for female recognition and empowerment having a female lead, and a strong women influence in its crew, it doesn’t mean it just becomes an amazing film. It’s amazing for society and it should already be a damn thing, but let’s not just say the film is great because it’s finally doing the right thing.

The film has got some good and bad bits about it. The good. The narrative is very exciting, it’s an interesting story, discovering who this woman is. How did she become so powerful, where did she come from? It keeps you on your toes in that regard. It’s all a very human film, it really focuses on the emotional side of things to great effect. The scene between Brie Larson and Lashana Lynch in the kitchen is a very moving and real piece of acting. That’s something you don’t see very often in a Marvel film. I liked that it was different in this regard. When it came to the story, it felt real, most Marvel films don’t accomplish this. Brie Larson found her feet towards the second part of the movie and I enjoyed her performance. Her character seems to have parts off all the Marvel characters, the morals of Cap, the playfullness of Thor and the wit of Tony. I enjoyed her character until she got the cool weapons and now she seems a bit indestructible. I like characters with weaknesses. It’s why i’m not a huge fan of Superman, who has that much access to Kryptonite?! I was a huge fan of the whole buddy-cop thing going on between Brie and Samuel L Jackson. The majority of the humour came from this and it was fun. It was interesting seeing Jackson as just a shield agent, before he was the Nick Fury we know him as. The whole ‘one persons terrorist is another persons freedom fighter’ narrative was interesting. It’s something that happens a lot, it all comes from an understanding of that person. It was good to see a big studio tackle a controversial topic like this. That cat. The cat was super cute.

Well I didn’t think the action was exciting or different. No that isn’t a-women can’t fight thing. It’s a-it was just boring fight sequences. I thought in this aspect the film was hugely let down. For me, each Marvel film needs to top itself to make it more spectacular, it didn’t do this. I thought a couple of the twists were obvious, mostly from the trailer. I thought we already knew that a certain actor was the bad guy, the film in that regard was ruined because we already knew the big twist. It just fell flat.

3/5 The film wasn’t terrible and it wasn’t brilliant. It was just OK. Pretty unremarkable compared to the last few, but an decent origin story. The story was a lot more interesting that the action, and whilst this is good in some regards, for a big blockbuster film I do expect to see some mind-blowing stunts and sequences. It didn’t do that.

p.s The end credit scenes aren’t great, just stay for the first one. It sets up Endgame nicely.

#film #Film Review #movies #movie review #cinema #cinema review #new #captain marvel #marvel #Disney #empoweringwomen #brie larson #samuel l jackson #cat

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megamanx1994 · 6 years ago

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Crash Bandicoot Homecoming Chapter 8

Chapter 8: The bird’s prey/Attack on Cortex Castle (Disclaimer!) Crash saw Power Man helping to push the boat back together. “Glad I could catch the boat,” he said, “Leave this to me!” “Got it,” said Crash. He went around helping Spyro evacuate everyone from the boat. Pretty soon everyone was out of the boat. Crash started to leave but tripped. “Shit!” he said. He fell into the river. “Hang on buddy!” said Spyro. He dove down to look for him. “Crash?” he asked, “Crash where are you?!” “Boo!” he said. He spooked Spyro. “That was dirty,” he said, “But at least you’re ok.” “Yeah…” said Crash. “What’s wrong?” asked Spyro, “Are you ok?” “If by ok, you mean feeling bad because I let the bad guy get away and put a lot of people in danger, then yes,” said Crash. “That’s where you’re wrong,” said Spyro, “Look behind you.” An audience was cheering for Crash and Spyro. Power man came down and came out of his suit. “I was wrong,” he said. “What do you mean?” asked Crash. “It wasn’t you who wasn’t ready to face off against supervillains,” said Nicholas, “It was me who wasn’t ready… to let you go.” “What do you mean?” asked Crash. “The reason I came here after hearing about the attacks going on was because I was scared,” said Nicholas, “I was scared that what happened to my old comrades was gonna happen to you, and I just couldn’t take that. But you proved me wrong.” “Really?” asked Crash. “But, do me a favor and stop trying,” said Nicholas. “But I’m just trying to be like you,” said Crash. “Dude, just be yourself,” said Nicholas, “It doesn’t matter what other people think about you. All that matters is what you think.” Crash smiled. “I’m gonna need the suit,” said Nicholas. “What?” asked Crash. “I’m asking Coco to help me put on some upgrades. If you’re gonna take on Cortex and his evil henchmen, then its gonna take more than a few dancing moves and a flashy costume,” said Nicholas, “No offense.” “None taken,” said Crash. “I’ll see you later,” said Nicholas, “Keep fighting the good fight kid.” He flew away. “Need a lift?” asked Spyro “What?” asked Crash, “Oh yeah.” He got on Spyro’s back and they flew back to campus. Jackie greeted him with a hug and a kiss. “We saw you on TV,” said Jackie, “That was amazing!” “Yeah,” said Crash as he smiled, “And it looks like I got the approval of Nicholas Shay.” “Crash, don’t make a habit of this,” said Coco, “There’s other ways of getting attention of this you know?” “Maybe I don’t need the attention,” said Crash. “What do you mean?” asked Jackie. “Sometimes the thing that you want the most is right beside you along,” said Crash. Jackie was still confused. “It wasn’t the fans and the fame that keeps me going Jackie,” said Crash, “I realized that it was you.” Jackie started to blush. “I spent my entire life trying to figure out what I want, but I think I already have,” said Crash. If I had you by Adam Lambert Crash: So I got my boots on, Got the right amount of leather And I'm doing me up with a black color liner And I'm working my strut but I know it don't matter All we need in this world is some love There's a thin line between the dark side and the light side baby tonight It's a struggle gotta rumble, tryin' to find it But if I had you, that would be the only thing I'd ever need Yeah if I had you, then money fame and fortune never could compete If I had you, life would be a party, it'd be ecstasy Yeah if I had you You y-y-y-y-y-you, y-y-y-y-y-you, y-y-y-y-you If I had you From New York to LA getting high rock and rolling Get a room trash it up 'till it's ten in the morning Girls in stripper heels, boys rolling in Maserati's What they need in this world is some love There's a thin line between the wild time and a flat-line baby tonight It's a struggle gotta rumble tryin' to find it But if I had you, that would be the only thing I'd ever need Yeah if I had you, then money fame and fortune never could compete If I had you, life would be a party, it'd be ecstasy Yeah if I had you You y-y-y-y-y-you, y-y-y-y-y-you, y-y-y-y-you If I had The flashing of the lights It might feel so good but I got you stuck on my mind, yeah The flashing and the stage it might get me high But it don't mean a thing tonight That would be the only thing I'd ever need Yeah if I had you, then money fame and fortune never could compete If I had you, life would be a party, it'd be ecstasy Yeah if I had you You y-y-y-y-y-you, y-y-y-y-y-you, y-y-y-y-you If I had you That would be the only thing I'd ever need Yeah if I had you, then money fame and fortune never could compete (never could compete with you) If I had you, life would be a party, it'd be ecstasy (it'd be ecstasy with you) Yeah if I had you You y-y-y-y-y-you, y-y-y-y-y-you, y-y-y-y-you If I had you The two of them shared a kiss. Meanwhile back at Cortex’s headquarters, Crow was doing some finishing touches on the repairs. “That should do it,” he said. He noticed something stuck on the wing of his flight suit. “What do we have here,” he said as he looked at it. It was a picture from Crash’s wallet that he took of himself and Jackie. “So, did you find any crystals, Dennis?” asked Cortex coming in. “Unfortunately no,” said Crow, “But, I did discover who our friend in the suit is.” He showed Cortex the picture. “I think I need to go pick up some groceries on the way back,” said Crow putting on the suit.

Jackie was heading in to her dorm after a long day at work. “What a day,” she said. She took off her jacket and laid on her bed. She heard a noise and looked out the window. “What was that?” she asked. She shrugged and turned around. Crow was standing right in front of her. “Tough day wasn’t it?” he asked getting closer to her. “Who are you?” asked Jackie. “Just a concerned citizen,” said Crow, “You see I have a little problem and I think you could help.” “What’s that?” asked Jackie. “There’s a rodent interfering with my plans and I tried getting rid of him,” said Crow, “And then it just hit me. What better way to trap a rodent than with his little girlfriend!” He snatched Jackie and then called his wings and flew away with her. Later Crash was heading to the same dorm to take Jackie out for another date. “Jackie?” he asked, “I’m here.” He didn’t hear anything. Crash opened the door and saw it was a mess. “Jackie?” he asked again. He looked around trying to find her. He saw her necklace on the ground. “Oh no,” said Crash. He rushed over to Coco’s room and busted down the door. “Damn it Crash!” said Coco. She was working on a project. “Oh, right, sorry,” said Crash. He want back out and knocked then came back in. “Much better,” said Coco. “Jackie’s been kidnapped!” said Crash. “What?!” asked Coco. “I found her necklace,” said Crash, “Cortex must be behind all of this.” His phone vibrated. “Hello?” asked Crash. “Hello Crash,” said Crow. “Crow?” he asked. “I’d like to make a trade,” said Crow grinning, “I was just in the neighborhood walking around until….. I found something that would be most valuable to you.” He put the phone near Jackie. “Crash,” said Jackie, “Help me!” “What do you want in exchange for her?” asked Crash. “The crystals,” said Crow, “You will bring them to N sanity Beach tonight alone. If I see the dragon or anyone else, the girl dies.” “I’ll do what you ask,” said Crash, “Just don’t hurt her.” “You have a deal,” said Crow. “Crow’s got Jackie,” said Crash, “I gotta save her.” “Well I’ve researched what Cortex was up to, and there’s no way you can take them on by yourself,” said Coco, “That’s why I called in some help.” “What kind of help?” asked Spyro. She placed the last orb inside the portal and it opened. From it came some of Spyro and Crash’s old allies. Polar, Pura, Penta, Hunter, Elora, Shelia, Sgt. Byrd, and Agent 9. Elora got a look at Spyro and smiled. Spyro was about to say something when someone got in the way. “Spyro is that really you?!” he asked, “It is I, the professor! Look Elora, did you…” Elora grinned already knowing who it was. “You’ve changed your hair,” said Spyro. “Same jacket,” said Elora. “Guys….” Said Crash. “Spyro told us everything that’s going on,” said Hunter, “We figured we should help you out.” “If you go, then we go too,” said Penta, “One for all…” “And all for one!” said Polar and Pura. “You can count me in too,” said Sly. He was with Murray and Bentley. “We still owe you for those gems you gave us,” said Murray, “They’re worth a fortune.” “Oh, a package came for you Crash,” said Coco. Crash took it and it revealed a new suit for him. There was a note attached. “Hey buddy, I tried to stay as close to your original design as possible, and I gave you some new gadgets. Two twin blasters, some new armor spandex, jet boots, and a mask for whenever you go into dangerous paths. I know you wanna take on those punks who have been taking gear from our battle in Seattle and turning them into weapons, and I can’t stop you from doing what’s right. But do me a favor; stop trying to be like me. Just be yourself. Good luck out there. Yours truly, Nichoals.” Crash smiled. He tried it on and it fit him. “Fits like a glove,” said Crash as he grinned. He placed Aku-Aku on his side. “Nice duds,” said Elora. Coco showed everyone her project she’s been working on. “It’s built for as many passengers as it’ll take which in this case is plenty,” said Coco. “Oh man, you gotta let me drive this,” said Crash. “After that stunt you pulled with the sasquatch gang?” asked Spyro, “I think not.” “C’mon I’ve learned from my mistakes,” said Crash. “Guys,” said Elora. “I could drive around you in circles with blind folders on!” said Spyro. “Guys!” said Elora. “Awwww SHUT UP AND MOVE IT!” said Coco, “I’m driving.” They both shrugged. They were heading to N Sanity Beach. “Hold on Jackie,” said Crash, “I’ll find ya.” Jackie was trapped in a cell. Crow was messing with some of the crystals to power up his machine. “HEY!” said Jackie, “I’m trying to get your attention! You’ll get what you want for your little machine now let me go!” “I can’t let you go,” said Crow, “Without you there’d be no special trade. But its not like your little boyfriend can stop me.” “He will stop you,” said Jackie, “And Cortex as well.” “I doubt it,” said Crow. His wings could now shoot out magnetic talons made from the crystals. “With this I’ll put an end to that infernal bandicoot,” said Crow. “I leave this all to you Crow,” said Cortex, “Crash will be willing to hand over the last crystals with his lucky charm in our grasp.” Crash was looking at the sky starting to turn. “Are you sure we’re heading the same way?” asked Crash. “I haven’t been to N Sanity Beach in a couple of years,” said Coco. “Must’ve been a band couple of years,” said Crash. Pura was riding on Rilla Roo, one of N Brio’s creations. Polar was skating with Penta on his back. “How did N Brio even create something like that?” asked Polar. “Beats me,” said Penta. “Rilla Roo (I am Rilla Roo),” said Rilla Roo. “Looks like we’re here,” said Spyro, “And we’ve got company.” A bunch of Cortex’ minions including Tiny and Dingodile were in the way. “Its time to see what this new suit can do,” said Crash. He clicked his heels and his jet boots activated. “Yee haw!” he said. He landed on dingodile and kicked him. “That hurt boy!” said Dingodile. “That was the idea,” said Crash. Coco jumped out of the car and started fighting off some of Cortex’ minions. N gin was watching the events unfold. “Should we intervene?” asked N. Gin. “No my pupil,” said Cortex, “Let him have his fun. I have something else I have to do.” Polar was taking down some of Cortex’s minions. “Wow Polar, I didn’t think you were a fighter,” said Pura. “As some people say, there comes a time where all men must…” said Polar as he punched someone in the face, “Oh you get the point!” A line of humanoid animals lined up to attack Pura and Penta. Rilla Roo intervened and did a barrage of punches on all of them. He turned around and grinned. “This guy knows how to fight,” said Crunch. Crash made his way into the castle to find Jackie. Crow was waiting at the stairs. “Ok Crow, where is she?” asked Crash. “Oh she’s safe, for now,” said Crow, “Why don’t you come and get her.” Crash chased him to the top. Soldiers tried to stop him. “Ooga-Booga!” said Crash. Aku-Aku appeared and circled around him giving him a shield. “Crash!” said Jackie. “Jackie!” said Crash as he went to get her. “First give me the crystal,” said Crow, “Then we’ll talk.” “What do you want with these crystals?” asked Crash. “To help complete the weapon that Cortex has been planning to use,” said Crow, “More importantly to bring my company to the top.” “What?” asked Crash. “You see, I was one of the co-workers of Gadd Science Incorporated and I was on the verge of starting a revolution of technology,” said Crow, “But they feared my research too dangerous and booted me out and found a new Protégé. I want you to understand that I will do anything to make sure my hard work is known by the world, and I know you know what I mean.” Crash had his twin pistols ready to fire. “So don’t mess with me,” said Crow, “Cause I will kill you and everyone you love.” He dashed at him and Crash jumped. Crow caught him by the leg and threw him at a lab table. “You really think you can be a match for me?” asked Crow. He shot some of his crystal feathers at Crash and he evaded them. Coco made it to the top. “Coco!” said Jackie. “Hold on,” said Coco. She got a tool that could help Jackie out of the cage and she was free. “We gotta get outta here!” said Coco. “But Crash is in Peril!” said Jackie. Crash was taking a serious beating from Crow. Crow took him up to the sky. “Get off of me!” said Crash. Coco and Jackie went into the ship. “Follow that bird!” said Jackie. They followed Crow. Crash managed to get loose and fell on a plane. Crow landed on the plane. “This whole time I’ve been plotting to put Gadd Science Inc. out of business, and all of a sudden you show up,” he said. He attacked Crash and damaged one of his pistols. “Nothing is gonna stand in my way,” said Crow, “Least of all, YOU!” He grabbed Crash with one of his wings and threw him down. He almost fell off the plane but Spyro caught him. “Buddy!” said Crash. “Talk later, we got work to do,” said Spyro as he pulled him up. Crow used one of his wings to cut off one of the wings. “You have a plane to catch,” said Crow. He flew off. The people inside were screaming. “We gotta do something!” said Crash. “I know what to do,” said Crash. He clicked his heels and started flying. He was pushing one of the turbines up to keep balance. Spyro did the same to the other turbine to help Crash. “We just gotta land away from the buildings and we’ll be alright!” said Crash. Crash pulled with all his might and managed to get the plane to land safely. Everyone got out and cheered for Crash. Jackie smiled but saw Crow approaching him. “Crash watch out!!” she shouted. But it was too late. Crow used one of his robotic talons to plunge through Crash. “Game over!” said Crow as he pulled the talon out. Everyone watched in horror. “Behold everyone, the foolish brat who tried to play hero,” said Crow, “And look where it got him!” Jackie ran over to Crash. “Crash no!” said Jackie, “Don’t leave me like this.” Crow grabbed her hand. “Don’t worry girly,” said Crow, “You’ll be joining him soon enough.” Crash’s wound secretly healed and he got back up. “And now, your days of peace end!” said Crow. He heard someone singing. It was Crash and he was dancing to some music. “What’s going on here?” asked Crow, “What are you doing?!” “I’m distracting you dumbass,” said Crash. Rilla Roo activated some kind of device that shut down Crow’s flying ability while he still retained his sharp feathers. “No more flying bird,” said Pura. “Why you little….” Said Crow, “No matter, I can still crush this little brat!” “That’s what you think,” said Crash, “You can do whatever you like, but I’ll still be standing!” I’m still standing by Elton John Crash: You could never know what it's like Your blood like winter freezes just like ice And there's a cold lonely light that shines from you You'll wind up like the wreck you hide behind that mask you use And did you think this fool could never win Well, look at me, I'm a-coming back again I got a taste of love in a simple way And if you need to know while I'm still standing you just fade away Crow tried attacking Crash but his dance moves were just too quick for him. Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid And I'm still standing after all this time Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind Crash landed a few punches and kicks on Crow as he blocked them. “Hold still you twerp!” he said. Crash wouldn’t hold still as the music was grooving him. I'm still standing. Yeah, yeah, yeah I'm still standing. Yeah, yeah, yeah Once I never could hope to win You're starting down the road leaving me again The threats you made were meant to cut me down And if our love was just a circus you'd be a clown by now You know I'm still standing better than I ever did Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid I'm still standing after all this time Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind I'm still standing. Yeah, yeah, yeah I'm still standing. Yeah, yeah, yeah Don't you know that I'm still standing better than I ever did Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid And I'm still standing after all this time Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind I'm still standing. Yeah, yeah, yeah I'm still standing. Yeah, yeah, yeah I'm still standing. Yeah, yeah, yeah I'm still standing. Yeah, yeah, yeah I'm still standing. Yeah, yeah, yeah I'm still standing. Yeah, yeah, yeah Crash managed to grab Crow’s wings. “No, don’t!” said Crow. Crash then pulled them off and smashed them to pieces, then punched Crow in the face and he was down for the count. “Looks like this bird’s been grounded!” said Crash. Jackie tackled him with a hug and then a kiss. “What about Cortex?” asked Pura, “He’s still out there and has the crystals.” “Or does he?” asked Elora. She secretly stole the crystals back. “Elora you sneaky girl,” said the professor, “Well at last his weapon can’t be completed.” “You bet your ass,” said Hunter. Later the authorities came and arrested Crow and he was taken to jail. The news was talking about Crash and his efforts to save Echo Creek and the world from certain destruction. At school there was a celebration for Crash and his heroic deeds. Nicholas was watching and couldn’t be more proud of Crash. “You finally did it buddy,” he said. He checked the mail and got a letter from Crash. Dear Mr. Shay; I can’t thank you enough for the suit and its cool functions. However I don’t think I’m gonna need the mask anymore. The people have already seen my face without it, so there’s no point in keeping it on. I also appreciate the lesson about being myself. It really helped. Thanks, for everything. Crash Bandicoot. Nicholas kept the mask from the suit that he gave Crash. Back at the celebration, Crash and his band were playing. Everyone else was dancing. Meanwhile Crash and Elora were reconciling. Back in the Afternoon by Panic! At The Disco Crash: Back to the street where we began Feeling as good as lovers can, you know Yeah we're feeling so good Pickin' up things we shouldn't read It looks like the end of history as we know It's just the end of the world Back to the street where we began Feeling as good as love, you could, you can Jackie: Into a place where thoughts can bloom Into a room where it's nine in the afternoon And we know that it could be And we know that it should And you know that you feel it too 'Cause it's nine in the afternoon Crash: And your eyes are the size of the moon You could 'cause you can so you do We're feeling so good Just the way that we do When it's nine in the afternoon Your eyes are the size of the moon You could 'cause you can so you do We're feeling so good Star: Back to the street Down to our feet Losing the feeling of feeling unique Do you know what I mean? Marco: Back to the place Where we used to say Man it feels good to feel this way Now I know what I mean Spyro: Back to the street, back to the place, Back to the room where it all began (hey) Back to the room where it all began 'Cause it's nine in the afternoon Your eyes are the size of the moon You could 'cause you can so you do We're feeling so good Just the way that we do When it's nine in the afternoon Your eyes are the size of the moon You could 'cause you can so you do We're feeling so good Just the way that we do When it's nine in the afternoon Crash and Jackie: Your eyes are the size of the moon You could 'cause you can so you do We're feeling so good Just the way that we do When it's nine in the afternoon Crash pulled Jackie up to the stage and they shared a kiss in the moonlight. The End….. Cortex and N Gin found a secret cave. “He is here,” said Cortex. “Who?” asked N. Gin. “My master,” said Cortex. He took one of the crystals and placed it on a table. From the table emerged an evil floating mask. “At last I am free,” it said. It laughed evilly. Confident by Demi Lovato Are you ready? It's time for me to take it I'm the boss right now Not gonna fake it Not when you go down 'Cause this is my game And you better come to play I used to hold my freak back Now I'm letting go I make my own choice [Clean version:] Yeah I run this show [Explicit version:] Bitch, I run this show So leave the lights on No, you can't make me behave So you say I'm complicated That I must be outta my mind But you've had me underrated Rated, rated What's wrong with being, what's wrong with being What's wrong with being confident? What's wrong with being, what's wrong with being What's wrong with being confident? It's time to get the chains out Is your tongue tied up? 'Cause this is my ground And I'm dangerous And you can get off But it's all about me tonight So you say I'm complicated That I must be outta my mind But you've had me underrated Rated, rated What's wrong with being, what's wrong with being What's wrong with being confident? What's wrong with being, what's wrong with being What's wrong with being confident? What's wrong with being, what's wrong with being What's wrong with being confident? What's wrong with being, what's wrong with being What's wrong with being confident? So you say I'm complicated But you've had me underrated What's wrong with being, what's wrong with being What's wrong with being confident? What's wrong with being, what's wrong with being What's wrong with being confident? What's wrong with being, what's wrong with being What's wrong with being confident? What's wrong with being, what's wrong with being What's wrong with being confident? La Da Dee by Cody Simpson There's no way to say this song's about someone else Every time you're not in my arms I start to lose myself Someone please pass me my shades Don't let 'em see me down You have taken over my days So tonight I'm going out Yet I'm feeling like There is no better place than right by your side I had a little taste And I'll only spoil the party anyway 'Cause all the girls are looking fine But you're the only one on my mind La da dee La da dee doo La da da me La da da you La da dee La da dee doo There's only me There's only you La da dee La da dee doo La da da me La da da you La da dee La da dee doo When you were gone I think of you All these places packed with people but your face is all I see And the music's way too loud but your voice won't let me be So many pretty girls around They're just dressing to impress But the thought of you alone has got me spun And I don't know what to say next Yet I'm feeling like There is no better place than right by your side I had a little taste And I'll only spoil the party anyway 'Cause all the girls are looking fine But you're the only one on my mind La da dee La da dee doo La da da me La da da you La da dee La da dee doo There's only me There's only you La da dee La da dee doo La da da me La da da you La da dee La da dee doo When you were gone I think of you [2x] I pretend the night is so beautiful Take a photo with the bros La da dee La da da doo They won't see through my disguise Right here behind my eyes Replaying in my mind La de da Yet I'm feeling like There is no better place than right by your side I had a little taste And I'll only spoil the party anyway 'Cause all the girls are looking fine But you're the only one on my mind La da dee La da dee doo La da da me La da da you La da dee La da dee doo There's only me There's only you La da dee La da dee doo La da da me La da da you La da dee La da dee doo When you were gone I think of you [2x]

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hotteetrend · 4 years ago

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A funny mashup of Always Keep A Book With You In Case Of Emergencies Like Social Gatherings shirt . Dennis Reynolds and the movie poster from Jaws. Dennis Reynolds “The Implication” scene is one of the funniest moments in It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. If you need your memory jogged. An awesome minimalist portrait of Ernest Hemingway from Amorphia Apparel’s Hirsute History line – which is a celebration of famous people and their hair. Love this shirt! Was the Tune Squad the greatest basketball team to ever hit the hardwood? Relive your love of Space Jam with this classic tee. I watched that movie so many times when I was a kid. Instant classic! If you’ve ever worked for yourself, you know that most people think self-employment isn’t a real job. So the slogan of “Fake job, real money” rings pretty damn true for any freelancers out there. It’s the famous Ernest Hemingway quote about drinking to make people more interesting…but on a t-shirt! Always Keep A Book With You In Case Of Emergencies Like Social Gatherings shirt, hoodie, sweater, longsleeve and ladies t-shirt

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lynchgirl90 · 8 years ago

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What Made #TwinPeaks Denise Such a Radical Trans Character on TV

At a time when trans characters on TV and film were killers, villains, or just mocked, the equality accorded to David Duchovny’s Denise in ‘Twin Peaks’ stood out.

“OK.”

That’s how Special Agent Dale Cooper (Kyle MacLachlan) reacts in the second season of Twin Peaks when his former colleague Dennis Bryson (David Duchovny) reintroduces herself to him as Denise—not “Wow!” or “Huh?” but a prosaic, matter-of-fact “OK.”

Later that day at a wedding reception, Cooper slips up and calls the transgender woman by her old name again. She corrects him: “Denise.” He apologizes immediately and sincerely—“I’m sorry”—and makes it a point to call her by her new name afterward.

“Well, this is all pretty amazing disclosure, Denise,” Cooper says, with the same stupid grin on his face that he gets when he sips a damn fine cup of coffee or looks at a majestic Douglas fir tree.

To this day, it may be the most tender portrayal of friendship between a transgender person and someone who knew them before transition—and it was first aired in 1990.

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The nineties were not a great time for transgender representation on film or television, to say the least. This was the decade when Ace Ventura threw up because he discovered he had kissed a transgender woman, when The Crying Game’s big transgender reveal was marketed as a shocking twist, and when The Silence of The Lambs gave us a villain who wanted to make a “woman suit” out of human skin.

Back then, transgender female characters tended to be “deceitful, disgusting villains,” as Meredith Talusan wrote for Buzzfeed. An ass-kicking DEA special agent in a critically-acclaimed surrealist soap opera didn’t exactly fit in with that trend.

But perhaps it shouldn’t be a surprise that a show as revolutionary as Twin Peaks would also be ahead of the curve when it came to handling a transgender character. And it’s oddly fitting that a show flooded with anachronisms—that felt cut out of time and place—would somehow predict the future of transgender representation.

The representation of Denise—played by a truly breathtaking David Duchovny in era-appropriate stockings and a big-banged wig—has its fair share of problems, of course. The writers clearly wanted to squeeze a few laughs out of the new character, who comes to the town of Twin Peaks to clear Agent Cooper’s name after he gets falsely accused of drug-running.

“That’s a good color for him,” says Deputy Hawk of Denise in her first scene, after she leaves the room, misgendering her and giving the audience tacit permission to laugh at the character—especially because the line follows a deliberately long beat.

Later in Denise’s three-episode arc, the audience is shown a pair of black heels walking across the checkered-tile floor of the Double R diner before the camera cheekily reveals that they belong to the six-foot tall transgender woman. It’s a joke told at Denise’s expense, albeit in a visual grammar rather than a verbal one.

For a real-life transgender viewer like myself, there are pieces of Denise’s story that don’t quite add up. Denise tells Cooper that she transitioned because she discovered that wearing women’s clothing “relaxed [her]” while she was working undercover as a “transvestite” for a drug bust.

“Imagine how surprised I was, Coop,” she says. “It’s not exactly something you plan on.”

While I don’t want to discount anyone else’s life experience, most transgender people I know—myself included—don’t stumble upon this realization about themselves by accident but after years of internal agony. (In fact, when I first discovered Twin Peaks and watched the entire series in a weekend, I was in the middle of painful deliberations about how, when, and if to transition.)

It’s not immediately clear, either, that Denise’s transformation involves any sort of medical treatment. However, a line cut from one of the scripts reveals that she is in a program that requires her to “dress the part for six months prior to any further therapy, hormones, [and] electrolysis.”

At a time when most people still referred to gender transition as “sex change” and equated the entire process with surgery, that’s some pretty impressive attention to detail. But the same script introduces Denise as “MAN IN DRESS,” so I don’t want to give the writers too much credit.

Overall, though, Twin Peaks treats Denise with a remarkable amount of humanity—even by today’s slowly-rising standards.

The welcoming attitude toward Denise begins with Agent Cooper’s immediate acceptance of her transition and emanates outward.

As Rani Baker wrote in her 2016 ode to Denise—playfully titled “26 Goddamn Years Later, Twin Peaks Still Has One of The More Compassionate Trans Woman Characters on TV”—Cooper functions as “the conscience of the [show’s] narrative” and an “anchor point of stability and traditional (yet modern) American values.”

Cooper is the kind, decent, cherry pie-loving, crispy bacon-eating heart of Twin Peaks—so if Denise is all right in his book, then she’s all right, period. The other characters often take their cues from him, not just in matters of law enforcement but in matters of the heart as well.

For instance, Sheriff Truman makes a snide comment about Denise under his breath when he first meets her. But two episodes later, he genders her correctly and even figures out a way to use her womanhood to their advantage in a hostage situation, sending her in dressed as a waitress to disarm some unsuspecting bad guys. (The script describes Cooper as “surprised” and “proud” that Truman came up with the idea.)

In fact, apart from Hawk’s initial misgendering of Denise, I can’t find a single instance of her being referred to as “him” or “he” in the show itself—although the Twin Peaks episode scripts use inconsistent pronouns in their written descriptions of the character.

Young Audrey Horne is downright in awe of Denise, exclaiming, “They have women agents?” when the two first meet. (“More or less,” Denise replies, in one of those borderline-offensive laugh lines.)

And to the show’s credit, no one asks Denise invasive questions about her genitals—a lazy, transphobic crutch for film and TV writers that is still being used today in movies like Zoolander 2. Cooper even prefaces a broader question about Agent Bryson’s transition with a careful “if you don’t mind my asking.”

The show also corrects the misconception that one’s sexual orientation automatically changes following a gender transition. When Denise makes a remark about Audrey’s obvious infatuation with Cooper, Cooper says, “Denise, I would assume you’re no longer interested in girls.”

Denise replies, “Coop, I may be wearing a dress, but I still pull my panties on one leg at a time, if you know what I mean.”

“Not really,” says Cooper, still grinning.

But it’s not just how other characters treat Denise that makes her stick out in a sea of awful transgender characters; it’s how she handles herself. She is friendly, self-assured, and frequently hilarious. When she catches the bridal bouquet at a wedding, for example, she tells Cooper, “Unfair advantage. How many of those girls were varsity wide receivers?”

As Baker noted in her piece, “Denise is presented as actually being talented and confident,” which is a “pretty big deal” given the way transgender women were being represented at the time. Denise plays a key role in taking down series villain Jean Renault and extracting a confession from another criminal named Ernie Niles. In a series full of quirky Lynchian players, she more than holds her own.

That’s why most Twin Peaks fans seem thrilled that she’s apparently coming back in Showtime’s Twin Peaks revival, which premieres on May 21: she’s not just a unique transgender character but a great character, her undeniable sensuality and eminent capability undercut by David Duchovny’s dry delivery of her lines.

I have been waiting for Denise to return since 2015. When rumors were swirling about David Lynch bringing Twin Peaks back to life, Duchovny told the LA Times, “I hope my character comes back, I think she does.” (Note that he gendered his character correctly— something that cisgender actors in transgender roles still sometimes fail to do to do.)

Finally, this March, EW revealed an exclusive photo of Duchovny on the set of Twin Peaks dressed in a smart brown skirt suit with a more modern hairstyle: the bangs are still there, just side swept now. According to EW, Showtime and Lynch won’t officially confirm that the original cast are reprising their exact previous roles—but it’d be shocking if it weren’t Denise in that production photo.

But transgender representation looks a lot different in 2017 than it did in the nineties. Laverne Cox is on Orange is the New Black. Jamie Clayton is on Sense8. Shows and films featuring transgender characters like Transparent and The Danish Girl are being nominated for—and sometimes winning—Oscars and Emmys. But despite taking a half-step forward from nineties transphobia, this new transgender moment is far from perfect. Filling transgender roles with cisgender actors—still the most common casting practice, apart from notable exceptions like Cox and Clayton—not only deprives marginalized actors of work, it sends the dangerous cultural message that transgender women are really men—and that transgender men are really women—underneath it all.

The tide on this debate is only now starting to turn. Transparent creator Jill Soloway, who previously defended casting Jeffrey Tambor as a transgender senior a few years ago, has since said that “it is absolutely unacceptable to cast a cis man in the role of a trans woman.” And Tambor himself told the world in 2016 that he “would be happy if [he] were the last cisgender male to play a transgender female.”

That’s why, as blogger and Twin Peaks superfan Joel Bocko pointed out in his excellent primer on Denise Bryson, Duchovny’s apparent return to the cast “will be both celebrated and controversial.” Will we forgive Twin Peaks for giving us yet another cisgender man as a transgender woman because Duchovny is continuing a part he first played twenty years ago? Or should the casting choice be judged in the present with no consideration for the past?

At this point, it’s hard for me to imagine Denise Bryson’s heels being filled by anyone other than Duchovny. I am the first to criticize movies and shows for casting cisgender actors in transgender parts but there’s a special place in my heart for Denise’s wry quips, quick instincts, and killer legs. And in the grand calculus, Twin Peaks earned enough goodwill with me by setting itself apart from the omnipresent transphobia of nineties entertainment that it can afford to irk me today.

I’ll withhold final judgment until I devour the finished product like the Twin Peaks nerd that I am. But for now, the thought of seeing Denise on my TV again makes me grin about as wide as Agent Cooper contemplating a spread of jelly donuts.

Here’s hoping I get to give her re-reintroduction a big ole Agent Cooper thumbs up.

Or at least a simple, accepting “OK.”

link (TP)

#Twin Peaks #David Duchovny #Denise Bryson #The Daily Beast

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naturaldisasterfanfiction · 4 years ago

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18. Part 2

Staring at the side of Chris’ face, I love this man so much and it’s crazy how I have never moved on from him at all, I don’t know why but I didn’t and I just love him so much even though he did hurt me a lot but we was both in a bad place “when are we getting married?” Chris has totally moved on from the subject “once you take Royalty out, she wants your attention ok? What is wrong? Like she heard you say you do it for me, you’re supposed to say no I don’t, I don’t want you to do things for me, I want you to do it for you” Chris cleared his throat “because those kids ain’t mine Robyn, she her mother’ and it’s just like that. With you, you’re my wife and my daughter to be born is more mine. When shit comes out my mom is going to be in Nia’ ear, I just always think the worst. I don’t know, I love my daughter a lot but it’s just that thing of bullshit politics, only so much Nia will be nice. I had my son’ mother on the phone saying he don’t want to speak to me, so I just gave up, but I am being positive because I got you, I got my new baby coming, shit is good. I am happy, I ain’t letting nothing get me down but I know when it comes out, you will get it, so will I. I also don’t want Roro using you to get to me, like that girl is not dumb. She knows you will come to me about it. I have never had the chance to be clean of shit and have a happy home, and you just coming up to me about this just shows she might do that. I am not saying my daughter is sly with shit, but I don’t want that, you’re my future, and I will deadass pick you over everything. There is nothing to understand on this. I be forgetting shit but why tell you everything, I forgot the daddy daughter thing but I won’t be making the same mistake for our daughter” Chris doesn’t hold back at all, blowing out air all wide eyed, how do I even deal with this mess “you have got to find a way to stop saying this, I get it Chris. I really do but you had kids with these people” I said “I was high! I was drunk! I am stuck Robyn, damn. What don’t you understand” Chris shouted, I shushed him. Chris clenched his jaw “if I didn’t fuck up in twenty twelve then I wouldn’t have this would I, you know that and so do I” touching the side if his face “it’s happened Chris, they are here” what more can I say “I ain’t having nothing come between us Robyn, know this. Like she is telling you the shit, it’s not good” I get his issue, I don’t want that issue he speaking on to be an actual issue either.

Holding onto Chris’ hands “I love you so much Chris, I get you feel that now we are on better terms, you feel that these kids are a mistake right?” I think he does “I do, I always did. I was never ready to be a dad because I wasn’t in love, I didn’t have the mindset but when I did find out, the mothers wanted me for money and then I never got to know the kids. My mom took over Royalty, she didn’t trust me. Like I would do something stupid with her, you know how angry that makes me feel. I ain’t ever had anyone just listen to me at all, I can’t even say shit about the situation because when I do I look the bad person. I did what I needed to do but in my heart it was never there, even the judge ain’t trust me. Gave my mom the rights, Nia is ok because Ro is older and is calling the shots but she still ain’t changed that ruling, she still tried to dog me out and made me seem a bad person. I had to keep shut, I bet you think I am a bad dad, but shit is not like that. I am hurt, I hate that I had to have kids knowing their mothers are trash as fuck” nodding my head “I don’t think you’re a bad person, I just think you was thrown into something you wasn’t ready for. You felt used by it but I did have sex with you drunk too?” which I did “don’t ever put you on their level, I would let you have sex with me as much as you want” nodding my head, Chris is madly in love with me and I can see it a lot “what we need to do Chris, we need to think of the future. I understand you are hurt how these kids came by, but they are here now-” Chris cut me off “how do you feel I have kids? I know you hate it” I breathed out “I do but it happened, when I read the shit I was like ok wow. Good for him, who am I to judge, a childless woman, as they say” shaking my head “but I will be here for you Chris, we will do this together and I want you to take her out ok? She does love you and I see it; I will help her get dressed and you take her out, I know you’re in a mood now” Chris is very moody, I can see it all on his face.

This is stressful, I mean what can I say when Chris didn’t want these kids I just don’t know what he wants me to do for him, and he needs to stop saying he is doing this shit for me “Riri, hey. I followed you on here look” Royalty ran over to me “where did you follow me on?” looking down on the phone “Instagram, that is ok. I can’t follow you back right now though. Soon though ok?” she nodded her head “chile, Robyn. You need to check her” Ja mouthed pointing at the phone “what did you do Royalty?” Chris came up from behind me “I tried to tell her no, she is excited, oh no” Royalty ran off “she posted a picture of us, an old picture too. What the, hey!” Chris chased after her, Ja stared at me and I just stared at him “I think she is a major fan” nodding my head slowly “why didn’t you tell her that is naughty? Is it an old picture right?” Ja nodded his head “incredibly old, at his sweet sixteen. She was happy, I think she really likes you and I said don’t, but she did, and I was stuck, and she ran off, you came. A mess” I sighed out, maybe this was a mistake. Walking by Ja, I mean I can hear Chris shouting from here, she didn’t get far “why did you do this!? I said secret, no! Fuck! You ain’t having no phone now” Royalty saw me and ran at me “did you delete it?” I asked him “I did but she is stupid, why do that” eye balling Chris “so anyways, Royalty shall we get you ready? Chris is going to calm down and take you out” I did not expect her to do that, maybe I can talk to her and say to her she needs to not do that.

Rubbing the Hydra Vizor in my hands “it smells so nice!” Royalty yelped out “you think? I think the same too, I try and get your dad to do this, but he is so lazy, men are really lazy so here I am trying to change the world, make it easy for these men and still they don’t. Look at Ja, his bald head is shining for the gods” Ja sat next to me “we not going to put makeup on your face, we just doing a little skin care. I think it’s nice to play around with it but for your young age to have it on all day, no baby. You are too pretty for that anyways. Look up at me” I said, she is pretty “my mom let’s me” she said “well that is your mom, I think you don’t need that on your face yet. You have some beautiful skin” Royalty looked up and closed her eyes, I thought I would just give her a little skin care. I don’t want to put make up on her because even with my own daughter, for a full day make up, no ma’am. Playing with makeup and then taking it off, I don’t mind that. They have some sensitive ass skin, if wouldn’t do it for my own daughter then I wouldn’t do it for anyone else’s. Royalty giggled as I rubbed the cream into skin “this is funny” she laughed “I wouldn’t be laughing, your dad is angry” side eyeing Ja “I told her no, this is not on me either” Ja defending himself which I do believe him on this.

This little girl is so happy, the pure happiness on her face “you have so many, can I have one!?” I chuckled “you can take one, I have lots. I take them with me everywhere, but your outfit has some pink in it so let’s go for fussy, this has that hint girl. We going to make you look pretty, and it feels so amazing on your lips” picking out the lip gloss for her “I am so excited, oh my god” she done seen my collection now “here, you can open it. But before you do that” holding it in my hand “what happened? Why did you post the picture? You’re not in trouble but I just want to know why because this is a big secret and nobody can find out, it’s important for Chris and me, I am trying to protect us in this?” I just don’t know what happened from me going outside to her doing this “I think the excitement got the better of her” Ja said “I am happy, you talk to me and we have fun and I like it” I laughed cooing out “ok, that is sweet but if you want to post pictures, not a picture of us together. It is exciting times for us all, I understand and you’re not in trouble” passing her the lip gloss “and I will just go and check on your dad, you just get your dress on ok” hitting Ja’ shoulder “lock my shit away thank you” I don’t want her to take my things home now.

I am so stressed right now, oh my god. Like I am just playing between these two, I am trying to make shit right. I don’t want Chris to be angry and then I am trying to make his daughter happy, I am tired. Holding my forehead as I entered the living room, Chris is not dressed, I knew this so much “hey” moving my hand away from my forehead “come with me. Tina, I need you to contact Savage team and tell them that those pictures Dennis sent over, post them. I won’t be posting it until later, but I want them done now, thank you” walking off to go to another room, I rather speak to Chris in private. I cannot wait for Chris and his daughter to go out, I am sleeping when he is gone “I miss crumbs” Chris said behind me “I hope you’re on about the crumbs on your plate by the way” I laughed rubbing my back “no ma’am” Chris wrapped his arms around my shoulders, I stopped walking laughing as he pressed himself against me “don’t you bother” I said that but he humped me anyways “why do you call me dumpling and then my daughter crumb? It’s not cute” Chris pressed kisses to the side of my face “you look so sexy pregnant, mhmmm. You know your pussy is even more on point” I know what he wants, slowly gyrating against Chris “you doing this huh?” shaking my head “we have other issues at hand, now move” shrugging him off me “I love you, come then. Let’s talk again” Chris moved back from me, with his arm around me we made our way to the spare room “if it is to give Ro phone back, I am not doing it” look at him trying to be strict, he needs to stop being this way.

I am feeling a little stressed about things, which is not good at all “how did you know she posted the picture?” I asked Chris, watching him sit down on the couch “Nia called me and was like was that supposed to be posted? Did you do it by mistake, so that is how I knew, but like is she crazy. Maybe this was a terrible idea, I can’t have sex with you, and she is just being weird” placing my hands on my hips “right, she is not being weird. This is new to her, so I asked her what happened and why she did it. She is just excited Chris, she got happy and she did it. She understands and she won’t do it again, are you sure you’re going to be ok to take Royalty out? Like you can’t be going out there making stupid remarks about things Chris, she is your daughter not a friend. She is alone here with us; I think she is being rather good to be here with a bunch of nobodies. Just take time out and spend the time with her, I am actually so tired Chris. I just don’t know where to go with you and this broken down relationship with these kids, I just. Look, I want you to go out with her. You make her happy, be a father to her Chris, can you just try and do it. For me at least, just have fun and whatever. Get dressed and do that, for me” he said he will do it for me “but you’re tired, you need me here” I laughed “I don’t, just please make sure your daughter doesn’t end up putting anything else up. I know you are a great person, so do it for me” Chris nodded his head as he got up from the couch “can I hug you? Why do I need to ask” nodding my head as he hugged me “I didn’t know about the daddy daughter dance, I just don’t know what happened then. I mean I rarely did know, I swear I lost brain cells but I just feel a little sensitive about shit, I don’t want things to go wack between us” I know he is feeling sensitive “and we will take it day by day, it’s cool. Just do this for me” it will make me happy with him doing this.

I am excited for them to go out, I just want some peace. I stifled out a yawn “we are going now” this is what I wanted to hear “ok, let me see you both then” Ja placed the blanket over us, he is here trying to get comfy on me on this couch “awww, what you got on your lips girl? Are those some Fenty lips?” Royalty got so shy “you look so pretty; I don’t know about your dad, but you are a sweet angel. You both look super cute, have fun then. And spend your daddy money while you’re out, get a cute bag or something” she is too cute “get me a bag” Ja said “look at my brand, you both look so cute together” Mel said as she sat down “I would like to say, I look the better one but we going now” smiling at Chris “good, have fun then. And leave me alone, I don’t want you hugging on me” I pointed at Chris “whatever, bye y’all. Come on then stink, let’s go and see some things” some peace and quiet “thank god” I breathed out.

Ja left me, well actually every one left the room, so Mel joined me “you are fed the fuck up” nodding my head “the drama of Chris, it’s just hard. It’s like, how can I put it” I paused thinking “it’s like a father finding out that he is a father and the child is nine, it’s like pushing him to be a father because his mother decided to have sole custody of Royalty because Chris was not capable to do so, which has made him be even more worse then he is. I think with Chris he likes the idea of he is a dad, but he sees them as a payment he has to make, it’s hard Mel. On top of that, I don’t want to push him and I don’t want to make him feel I am pushing him to do something because it’s unfair to do that when he has bipolar, nobody adds that in because Chris acts ok, dude is not ok, he is different and it has to be included so it’s just hard working on it. I can’t be telling him that you are actually very useless, and you don’t know what it is like being a dad, to any regular person they can take something like that. I am trying to please Royalty too because I feel bad for her, she is hearing Chris say these things, but he just thinks he is doing no wrong, no feeling towards it. She does see good in him, but I do account for his wellbeing and mental state, I am soft on him, well try to be” I laughed “it’s hard Robyn, I see it. I am watching from the side, it’s hard work for you. You are just helping him and then yourself and then this child, like what the fuck. I get what you are saying, maybe she didn’t need to come but it’s done with I guess. Chris wasn’t like this before, like we know him but he’s different, I feel like he’s stuck in a man’s body. He doesn’t know what to do but he does know, it’s one of those things. And I do see it, you will be carrying him Robyn until he wakes up and sees the light that he has these reasonability’s. Is that what you want?” Mel said “nobody else will, I might as well kiss him goodbye if I ditched him. Yes I am carrying him, I have to tell him what to do. He has been failed, and if he didn’t have a woman that loved him then I would hate to see how the rest of his life played out, he is so damn lost. And he uses me as guidance, he did speak on repeating his day, how he would watch the sunrise, he had to do it. Bipolar are like that though, I read into it you see. Today has been hell, I just pray they both have a good day” I laughed “same, I do love Chris a lot. It’s a shame for a talented nigga that he has that” resting my head on Mel’ shoulder.

#Chrianna #Chrianna FF #Chrianna Fanfiction #Fanfiction #Fanfic

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wigwurq · 8 years ago

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WIG REVIEW: TWIN PEAKS - THE RETURN

The awful wigs you like are going to come back in style this summer! Twin Peaks, land of mighty good coffee and awful awful wigs are back, and with them some new bad wigs that we waited 25 years for!

As there are 18 episodes, I will be updating this post as new episodes air (and adjusting if the show’s wigs wurq as a whole or not). Now let’s journey back to the Black Lodge and discuss:

EPISODE 1

Good Dale is still stuck in the Black Lodge, while Bad Dale is driving a fancy car, hanging with teenage randos, and having a party in the front (and back!) with the worst male wig this side of John Travolta’s everyday life.

This wig is the kind of thing you’d pick up at Ricky’s to be a shaggy vampire for Halloween. OOF. The only thing more disturbing than the wig, is of course Special Agent Dale Cooper’s crispy tan which is the second most disturbing tan by an evil dude on tv (Trump's still #1).

However, Bad Dale’s new life did lead us to the clear star of the show: BEULLA! Glamour, fashion, and beauty wrapped into one.

Elsewhere in non-wig storylines, some random teenager in NYC is getting it on with Grace from The Nanny and getting mauled to death by glass box ghosts (YOU HAD ONE JOB TO DO, IDIOT!), some nosy neighbor in South Dakota is implicating Matthew Lillard in a librarian murder, Ashley Judd is helping Tony from West Side Story run the Great Northern and Dr. Jacoby is serving double sunglass reveals while getting some sweet new shovels. Obvs? Meanwhile, the Log Lady, now the victim of female hair loss, decides to get on the horn about Dale Cooper. I have to say, this might be the one wig that wurqs in the episode and it’s not technically a wig but a baldcap with some wisps on it. Still, carry on Log Lady - please never change no matter how much hair you lose. Your Sally Jessy Raphael eyewear is still everything.

The recipient of the Log Lady’s call is none other than Hawk, the most credible member of the Twin Peak’s sheriff service. Michael Horse’s glorious locks are obviously not a wig but let us all luxuriate in them regardless. And let us NOT miss Michael Ontkean who showed his homophobic truth by trying to block his gay movie Making Love from being a part of the documentary masterpiece The Celluloid Closet. SASHAY AWAY FOREVER!

EPISODE 2

This episode doesn’t offer us much more in the way of wigs, but we do get far more intimate with Bad Dale’s awful wig.

This look is decidedly tan Glenn Danzig all the way.

The most upsetting reveal about this wig is that it has a half ponytail involved. NO THANK YOU.

Back in the Black Lodge, Good Dale meets up with old friends Leland, Mike, and Laura Palmer herself - none of which are wearing wigs and none of which seem to have aged at all (though Laura is moonlighting as a lamp so maybe that’s why). Good Dale also meets up with a wise Tim Burton tree who explains that Bad Dale has to come back to the Black Lodge in order for Good Dale to leave. Seems legit, but unfortunately Bad Dale is busy murdering his girlfriend.

Sorry, gurl.

We end the episode at the roadhouse where an ubercool indie band is playing for some reason. The lead singer has a pretty wiggy look but all signs point to a dye job.

We also see the triumphant return of Sherry, whose (wigless) salty mom posse involves none other than Gia Carides, aka LIZ EFFING HOLT FROM STRICTLY BALLROOM! YAYS! CAN I DRINK WITH YOU GUYS?

EPISODE 3

We begin with Good Dale shape shifting through space, meeting a nice lady with no eyes who falls into the void and another lady who points us in the direction of a steampunk electrical plug to the outside world. But do we want to go out there?

We soon discover that the “real world” involves another Cooper doppelganger - Nevada’s own Dougie - who wears a mustard-colored blazer, knows a nice prostitute, vomits creamed corn, and has a terrible wig.

Seriously, I don’t know if the wig budget on this show was given to eye-covering prosthetics or what but clearly they skimped on the wigs. Just seriously depressing stuff - I’ve seen more believably realistic wigs in haunted houses. Speaking of haunted houses, Dougie gets whisked into the Black Lodge and implodes into a sea of black smoke (I finally understand Lost?) Regardless, bye bye, terrible wig!

Elsewhere, Bad Dale and his bad wig are trying not to barf their way back to the Black Lodge while living through the worst Lincoln commercial ever. It’s unclear where Bad Dale ended up, but Good Dale shapeshifts his way back into Dougie’s life - for better or worse?

Finally, Hawk gives us the best “do not disturb” sign ever (donut disturb 4evr) while he and his luscious locks try to run the Twin Peaks sheriff’s department basically with absolutely no help from anyone else. Ok maybe the donuts helped.

EPISODE 4

Good Dale Cooper is living his life as Dougie Jones, whose son is future/current(?) cult leader, Sonny Jim Jones. Cooper is learning to do everything again, from dressing himself to drinking coffee while assisted by frazzled wife, Naomi Watts. Meanwhile, Bad Dale Cooper has been discovered covered in creamed corn in South Dakota and his old boss, Gordon Cole (as played by David Lynch) has to look into the matter, but not without an assist from everyone’s favorite trans FBI agent, Denise Bryson.

Denise, like a fine wine, has aged well. As strong and confident as ever, and looking damn fierce.

Compared to the wig David Duchovny wore in the original series, this wig is a serious upgrade. Defrizzed and oh so quaffed, it’s a dignified thing of beauty.

We do get into a grey area here, wig-wise, however. It has been my intent on this blog to never review wigs that we know as an audience to be wigs (thus why I sadly never review RuPaul’s Drag Race). Denise’s wig in the original series was definitely a wig within the narrative of the show, since Denise (nee Dennis) had only recently come to the conclusion that he was trans and started donning a wig and dressing as a woman.

25 years later, who is to say if Denise is wearing a wig or if we are to believe that this is supposed to be her own hair? Far be it for us to tell Denise what to do with her coiffure so it becomes difficult to judge this as a wig or not. If we are supposed to believe it is a wig, then yes - it’s a good wig within the narrative! If we are supposed to believe it is hair...well it’s not perfect. It certainly looks like a wig, albeit a good wig. As I’ve said time and time again, only if a wig looks like real hair does it truly wurq.

Still, as a character, Denise WURQS so amen to her regardless.

And can I get an amen for Wally Brando? Wigless though he may be, he is a the only possible child of Andy and Lucy. May your shadow always be with us.

EPISODE 5

We begin this episode as Good Dale Cooper tries to navigate the world in the body of Dougie Jones. For some reason, no one is bothered by the fact that Dougie is basically a walking zombie, from his frazzled wife to all of his coworkers.

Just a guy super stoked for coffee with little ability to function in society - nothing to see here!

Back in Twin Peaks, a wigless Shelly and Norma are looking FINE AS HELL and seem to not have aged a day.

Also Shelly’s daughter (perfectly cast as Amanda Seyfried) has an asshole boyfriend (as played by the asshole brother from Get Out, who is really making a name for himself in the world of asshole characters).

Oh and obviously, Dr. Jacoby runs an extreme lefty webseries out of his cabin, and whose #1 fan is obviously Nadine:

Who is still lookin’ like the spectacular nutbar we all love.

The only wig of the week is the nightmare on top of Bad Dale’s head. Even behind bars, this wig is wreaking havoc much in the way Bad Dale is hisself! Nope.

EPISODE 6

Most of this episode concerns itself with the increasingly poor decisions of Dougie Jones and with every misadventure, I just long for Good Dale Cooper to wake the hell up! We are also introduced to a slew of new characters. Twin Peaks is truly beginning to get as sweaty with characters as Game of Thrones and winter is friggin’ coming.

We meet Bathazar Getty, whose early career was spent being an off-brand Liev Schreiber and who has somehow morphed into an off-brand Henry Rollins. He played some coin magic on off-brand young Nicolas Cage (who is in a dead heat for worst Twin Peaks character with Deputy Chad).

We also revisit our favorite trailer park manager, Harry Dean Stanton, who is an ageless angel.

The only wig this week comes in the form of a lounge lizard played by none other than Laura Dern.

We are only given one scene with this wig so I don’t have the information necessary to review it properly. In other words - if this wig is supposed to be real hair, it is obviously terrible. But if it is supposed to be a wig as I suspect since David Lynch lounge lizards are usually wig-wearers (see: Isabella Rossellini in Blue Velvet), then whatever - you do you, Laura Dern!

(And you always do.)

EPISODE 7

Ugh, wake up Good Dale Cooper! The boring misadventures of Dougie Jones continue in this episode, though he does disarm a little person assassin “like a cobra” so I guess this is progress.

Meanwhile, Gordon Cole visits Diane and we don’t get much more information about her or her wig. Though Diane in general is a mystery. Throughout the original series, she was a faceless secretary that Dale sent daily messages to. Now, whether or not she is trying to pass this platinum wig off as real hair remains the #1 mystery of Twin Peaks. But I’m guessing it’s a wig (within the narrative of Twin Peaks) so whatever. It’s a bad wig allowed to be bad.

Though now that we have seen her retro cool apartment, I think I know Diane’s backstory:

She’s obviously a latter-day Iona (from Pretty in Pink) who, rather than dating a yuppie (yuck!) decides to take a secretarial job for the FBI while the record store industry dwindled in the early 90s, stopped hanging out exclusively with teenagers, and started calling herself Diane. MAKES PERFECT SENSE.

Both chicks have an affinity for platinum wigs, apartments with Atomic/kitschy details, and DRAMA. Well that’s one mystery solved! You’re welcome, internet. #prettyinpeaks

Anyhoo, Diane (nee Iona) visits Bad Dale in the clink and it was a regular wigout party of nonsense.

I feel like when two bad wigs meet like this, something meaningful should happen, like the Black Lodge imploding or getting to spend more than 5 minutes with any of the original characters.

Instead, we are gifted like 20 minutes of Ashley Judd (bless her, but STILL) following a mysterious sound around the Great Northern. And seeing the roadhouse being swept for what must have been 3 hours.

We end with Bad Dale getting sprung from the clink by uttering the magic word: STRAWBERRY! Not to be confused with Carol Channing’s magic word, RASPBERRY. Watch out, world: Bad Dale and his bad wig are on the loose!

EPISODE 8

We have so many questions going into this episode, but before any of them can be answered, we have to hear from THE Nine in Nails! The dream of the nineties is alive in Twin Peaks, and this part was a damn nightmare. NEXT!

Bad Dale Cooper, fresh from being sprung from jail, gets shot down by his partner in crime. Is this the last we will FINALLY see of him and his horrendous wig? Probably not, because some ash covered garbage people come over and seem to revive them. Who are these ashy garbage dudes? For answers, we (OBVIOUSLY) travel to B&W New Mexico in 1945.

There, an atomic bomb gives life to these soot monsters, a bug/frog combo, and, of course, BOB!

Meanwhile, in what might (?) be the same steampunk universe where that eyeless lady that Good Cooper encountered that eyeless chick back in Episode 3, our favorite friendly giant and some chick with some serious costume jewelry and eyebrow tweezers watch these ashy garbage dudes and then are gifted a golden blob with the face of Laura Palmer on it.

IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW! J/k j/k I have no idea what is happening. On the wig front, I will say that costume jewelry eyebrow tweezer lady has a pretty sweet finger curl wig.

Fast forwarding to New Mexico in 1956, we meet a young couple who deliver some incredibly stilted dialogue at one another. Their costumes also suggest a high school play that is set in the 1950s but they only go shopping for costumes at the GAP. We’ve all been there. Doesn’t wurq. Also, I’m not sure what pincurl nonsense is happening on this chick’s head but it is neither historically accurate or attractive. NOPE.

Anyway, ash zombie #1 decides to go on a quest for a cigarette light, which obviously turns into a bloodbath.

I will say this much: this terrible 50s wig deserved to GO. All hail ash zombies!

EPISODE 9

Bad Dale Cooper lives! All hail ash zombies?? I don’t know if it’s the zombie makeover or what but this is the BEST this wig has every looked.

Sadly, this is short-lived as Bad Dale Cooper meets up with his accomplices/Academy Award Nominated Actors Tim Roth and Jennifer Jason Leigh and this terrible wig gets cleaned up and its half pony tale back and it looks awful again. UGH. Side note: Tim Roth’s denim jacket with the cut off arms IS THE LEWK.

Back in Twin Peaks, Lucy and Andy are chair shopping (#TeamBeigeChair) and the sheriff A-team (SCREW YOU AND YOUR LUNCH, CHAD!!!) are doing some detecting. They pay Bobby’s mom a visit, where she reveals a super cool chair hiding place (maybe get this chair, Lucy and Andy?) and a secret message from beyond. Dun dun dun!

And as always, Diane and her Pretty in Pink Iona wig are KILLING IT as always in fashion and correct opinions. It still remains a supreme mystery as to if Diane is trying to pass this off as real hair, but regardless: let the lady smoke. She’s been through enough! It IS a f*cking morgue!

In the end, we meet some teenage heroin addicts/vampires(?) with awful hair which is likely just awful hair and not wigs. They also have serious skin ailments that I never want to see again. Let’s just maybe never see them again. Please?

EPISODE 10

We are officially more than halfway through this series and no closer to getting rid of Dougie Jones in favor of Good Dale Cooper. Wake the hell up, Coop! (Tho dang, you’re looking good - and Janey E agrees!) Otherwise, this episode is pretty much all about domestic abuse and its witnesses. Seen here: a wigless Harry Dean Stanton having some guitar “me” time which was ruined by Shelly’s daughter and her terrible boyfriend...

Can you guys please be quiet so HDS can play his damn guitar in peace?!?! Side note: domestic abuse begets domestic abuse: does this remind anyone of Shelly and Leo?

But the scumbag of the week (and the millennium?) definitely goes to Richard Horne. Not to be outdone by hit-and-run child murder, this week he gave us trailer park murder and familial abuse/robbery all while the Teddy Ruxpin of nightmares above must bear (get it?) witness. Oh and yes - we see what you did there with that glowing orb head, David Lynch.

Of course, scumbags love company and OF COURSE Richard Horne is in cahooks with Deputy Scumbag, Chad, who he asks to intercept his trailer park murder victim’s blackmail letter. WE HATE YOU CHAD. Luckily, Lucy is totally on to Chad. #TeamBeigeChair4Ever

Back in Vegas (UGH), Tom Sizemore is setting Dougie up with the help of these wigless, flaky cocktail waitresses. The fact that these three didn’t somehow break into song sorta surprised me.

The mazel of the week def goes to Nadine, who finally has her silent drape empire in the form of her storefront, RUN SILENT RUN DRAPES. Way to make your lifegoals a reality, gurlfriend! She’s also obsessed with Dr. Jacoby’s vid-blog, but obvs.

We also get some more news from the Log Lady - Laura Palmer is the ONE! Whatever that means? It has been brought to my attention that my previous assessment of this being a good wig may be false - the actress who portrayed her, Catharine E. Coulson, died of cancer shortly after reprising this role. So this is likely her actual hair. I stand corrected! Just goes to show you that just when you think you’ve found a good Twin Peaks wig - it turns out to be real hair. Nothing is as it seems in Twin Peaks but we can always count on the continuity of bad wigs? With this new information - this episode is entirely wigless! Why am I even writing this?!?!

Maybe just to rejoice in the epic performance of Rebekah del Rio (no relation to Bianca, sadly) who we all know and love from Mullholland Drive. Bitch is in straight up Black Lodge cosplay and it WURQS.

EPISODE 11

The more we watch this show, the fewer and fewer wigs we seem to get. And the more we realize we are just stuck with Dougie Jones. Wake up, Good Coops!

Anyway, this week the domestic violence from last week’s episode got particularly EXTRA when Amanda Seyfried decided to amp her Lifetime Movie life up to 11 and get a gun, demand her mom come over with her car, take the car, almost run her mom over, and go shoot at her two-timing, d-bag of a husband. I seriously think I saw this movie starring Tori Spelling a few different times on Lifetime but David Lynch makes it SO MUCH MORE ARTY.

Great hiding place, you guys! Also, why yes that IS GERSTEN HAYWARD, aka Lara Flynn Boyle’s lil sis who is great at piano!

This did lead to a pretty sweet family reunion at the RR though seriously, Bobby, just arrest your daughter’s husband already.

This reunion was briefly interrupted by coin enthusiast/fake Henry Rollins, Balthazar Getty who OF COURSE is going out with Shelly. You make bad dude choices, Shelly! Why am I suddenly rooting for Bobby?!?!

Oh and also there was a sudden diner shootout followed by passenger seat exorcism, because: Twin Peaks.

The only wig of the week was brought to us by pillar of effervescence, Diane. The jury is still out (and will forever be out?!) on if she is trying to pass this wig off as real hair, but I give up: you just do you, Diane.

And also please continue to sit on stools while the rest of the world sits on chairs. Is that thing from Blaine? Anyway, you’ll always be on a pedestal to us.

After an some map detective work from Hawk and another call from the Log Lady, an otherworldly vortex sighting, and an unfortunate Matthew Lillard cranial injury, we end the episode in the weirdest Se7en parody ever but hey: there’s always room for cherry pie?

Oh, and god bless you and your fabulous makeover, random casino garbagelady! You look so sparkly!

EPISODE 12

Why am I still updating this blog post? Why am I still watching this show? Why is it taking everyone five extra minutes to say what they need to say and why am I falling asleep? These are all questions I had during this episode. Not much happens - and slowly. We did get to see some old, familiar faces, though. Our favorite alcoholic, Sarah Palmer, had a grocery store meltdown about turkey jerky (AS ONE DOES) and we finally got a visit from Audrey Horne!

Sadly, it appears that Audrey did NOT marry eyebrow plucking enthusiast Billy Zane in favor of a really grumpy little person named Charlie. Audrey HATES Charlie and all his goddamned paperwork, especially when she needs him to get up and go to the roadhouse with her to find her missing lover, NO MATTER HOW TIRED HE IS.

UGH, Charlie. As with all scenes in this episode, this scene is about 10 minutes too long, and at no point was there any mention of how Audrey’s son killed a kid and tried to kill a lady (CHARLIE IS GOING TO HAVE SO MUCH PAPERWORK TO DO OVER THAT). However, I would have gladly watched Audrey Horne dance to a jukebox for 10 minutes.

Speaking of scenes that go on too long - THIS BITCH. Seriously, how long does it take you to GET THE EFF OUT of a room when Miguel Ferrer has some important business with David Lynch?!

The only wig in the episode remains to be the enigma that is Diane’s wig. I have previously stated that we may never get the information we need to judge this wig and if it is trying to be real hair or not so again: I give up. You just keep doing you, Diane. LET’S ROCK!

EPISODE 13

EPISODE 13 YOU GUYS. I have been updating this long-ass blog post FOREVER and we’re no closer to getting rid of Dougie Jones!! He is even now gifting his family with nice cars and gym sets so it feels like he’s not going anywhere. WHY WHY WHY. Wake the HELL UP, DALE COOPER!!!!

Meanwhile, Bad Dale Cooper is looking rougher and rougher ever since his Woodsman reincarnation - he is now truly a garbage person. And his wig is still absolute trash.

This week did test our loyalties in that we found ourselves in an arm wrestling match of the damned and were sorta rooting for Bad Coop against some other garbage people. Coop was victorious (sorry about your face, bro), but with that wig, we are all still losers.

In other bizarre hair news, what the hell is up with Ed’s hair?! This is NOT a wig but I really want to know who was driving the train with this hair “style” if you can even call it that. Looks like some pretty good soup, though.

Oh, and apparently James can sing in falsetto? Wonders never cease. Still no sign of Lara Flynn Boyle who may be our only salvation at this point. We are all Sarah Palmer watching the same boxing match over and over again hoping for salvation. Maybe next week?

EPISODE 14

We are on the last lap of this show, and things are (sorta, kinda) coming together. Thanks (of course?) in part to the oldest Bond girl, Monica Bellucci, and the prophetic dream Gordon Cole had about her. The puzzle pieces seem to be fitting now. Thanks, Monica! Oh but wait - WHO IS THE DREAMER?! With every answered question comes a new question.

Luckily, Diane is on the case and ready to drop some KNOWLEDGE AND GLAMOUR on everyone. Like her wig, Diane is an enigma. Unlike her wig (which is still not identified as a wig or not within the narrative - SIGH), Diane is full of super useful information. Dougie and Janey E you say? Oh she just so happens to be Diane’s estranged half-sister! OBVS! Not since Game of Thrones have we had such a convenient familial lineage. Just don’t eff it up, Las Vegas FBI!

In other law abiding news, Lucy and her gravity defying hair are still the best and she and Andy once took a trip to Bora Bora! UGH seriously guys - bring back Wally Brando. Oh, and the worst sheriff (and second worst character), CHAD, was finally read for filth and locked up for being the worst - just in time for the good sheriffs to take a ROAD TRIP!

Like most hikes in Twin Peaks, this one involved beautiful scenics, paternal nostalgia, putting dirt in your pockets (OR ELSE), discovering a naked woman with no eyes, and teleporting via creepy vortex into a B&W steampunk nightmarescape and hanging with a giant. I can’t wait for the TripAdvisor review!

Andy was the lucky recipient of the teleport trip and seriously: can this dude PLEASE STAR IN A BIOPIC OF STAN LAUREL? Just saying. Anyway, he met up with our favorite jolly (non-green) giant who sadly didn’t start singing the most appropriate Dolly Parton song for the moment: “Me and Little Andy” but instead revealed his name is not ??? but really THE FIREMAN. Seems legit. Andy also got some cool recaps of past episodes via a steampunk skylight and returned back to earth to keep that eyeless lady safe.

Speaking of Dolly Parton songs, why was “I Will Always Love You” not playing during this scene??

Lots of missed opportunities, song-wise, but luckily Lucy had some PJs on hand for the eyeless lady from that time the dog got loose. Seriously, I would love to see an entire TV series about Lucy and Andy’s throwaway lines. Showtime: make this happen.

Despite Lucy’s PJ makeover, eyeless lady still has to be locked up with Chad (UGH) and some drunken guy bleeding from his mouth who may or may not be that dude Billy who Sherilynn Fenn and every rando at the roadhouse is always talking about.

Speaking of random characters, David Lynch decided that he still needs to be introducing new ones so meet British Jimmy, who has a magical glove not unlike basically all Marvel superheroes, a destiny only met in Twin Peaks, and a penchant for revealing his entire backstory when it’s his coworker’s birthday. Welcome to Twin Peaks, rando!

We end with our favorite alcoholic, Sarah Palmer, who just wants to have a goddamned Bloody Mary in peace (DON’T WE ALL) without being verbally assaulted by the new worst character in Twin Peaks: a-hole in the TRUCK YOU shirt. Well truck YOU, bro: Sarah Palmer has a soot monster vortex inside her and will quite literally pull your throat off. Sayonara! This is why it’s safer to drink at home watching violent TV. Lesson learned.

EPISODE 15

Hello from officially the longest blog post on this blog (and maybe in the history of the internet?) Are you guys still there? Are we all still watching? We are officially in the final stretch and things continue to come together....sort of. We begin with Nadine, gold shovel in hand, as she finally digs herself out of her marriage which apparently was still intact after all these years! She finally lets Big Ed go.

Which means Ed and Norma are finally getting hitched! Halleluj! You totally cried about this, admit it. (Sure we cried about Ed’s haircut too but no matter).

Meanwhile, Bad Dale Cooper and his evil, horrible wig are still up to no good. Also his leathery skin is getting worse and worse by the episode. He rolls up to the gas station of ghostmares and tries to get a meet and greet with Phillip Jeffries (aka David Bowie - RIP!)

The gatekeeper is this broad who is definitely giving Beulla (see: Episode 1) a run for her money in the category of AGELESS GLAMOUR.

BD Cooper also runs into our least favorite Twin Peaks resident/his possible son, Richard Horne and tells him to get in the car: road trip! Oh and speaking of residents of Twin Peaks we don’t like, Becky’s husband probably killed hisself?

Speaking of death, Dougie maybe just killed hisself? I mean, it’s a modern miracle that he hasn’t already but seriously: get out the way, bitch! Bring back Good Dale Cooper! If he didn’t kill hisself, I guess we all need to prepare for Dougie’s sequel: Electric Dougieloo

Finally, one of our very FAVORITE Twin Peaks residents, Margaret, aka The Log Lady, bid us adieu (as did Catherine Coulson, the woman who played her.) SOB!

We feel ya, Lucy. (Insert sobbing emojis)

EPISODE 16

We’ve come to the last 3 episodes and everything is coming together. The father-son road trip of the century comes to the only possible ending: with Richard Horne being sent up to a rock to be electrocuted. Sayonara, you terrible person! Oh, and yes: Bad Coop was your dad. See ya!

Bad Coop alerts Diane and her still mysterious wig, and suddenly Diane has an acid flashback to all the bad bad stuff that Bad Coop did to her. She recounts the upsetting tale to Gordon and Co and also reveals one more thing: BITCH IS A TULPA!

And with a bullet to the head, she returns to the Black Lodge to bring it some extra retro fabulousness. Byeeeeeee!

Meanwhile, Dougie Jones (UGH) is in a coma after electrocuting himself. And then, just like that....FINALLY AGENT COOPER WAKES HISSELF UP!

SERIOUSLY.

Also, thanks for the finger sandwiches, Mitchum Bros! Oh and sayonara to Oscar nominees Tim Roth and Jennifer Jason Leigh (and her excellent collection of mini Cheetos bags) during the neighborhood watch shootout of the millennium.

Coop tells the Mitchum Bros to fire up the private jet (seriously thank goodness for these dudes)...he’s headed back to Twin Peaks! Yayys! He also says byeeeee to Janey E and our favorite mini cult leader, Sonny Jim Jones.

Back in Twin Peaks, Audrey and her terrible husband FINALLY made it to the roadhouse where they promptly order martinis (not what I’d order at a roadhouse, but you do you, you fabulous weirdos). The crowd at the roadhouse soon realizes that they are in the presence of dance royalty and promptly and correctly clear the dancefloor so Ms. Horne can DO HER THANG. She does and it’s as dreamy as we remembered it...

Until that dream turns into a DAMN NIGHTMARE and Audrey wakes up in....a mental hospital? An alternate dimension? A remake of The Valley of the Dolls in which she plays Neely O’Hara in rehab (omg someone please make this happen)?! WHO KNOWS?!?!?! WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAAAAAT.

EPISODE 17

It’s come to this: Bad Cooper has made his way to Twin Peaks and Andy is SUPER EXCITED to see him but everyone else has their doubts, especially when the real Coop gives a call from the road.

Meanwhile, terrible terrible Chad somehow manages to escape and tries to shoot Andy, but not if British Jimmy has anything to do with it! He punches through his cell and right into Chad’s face. Side note: why didn’t he just punch through his cell to get out in the first place? Oh well.

Upstairs, Bad Coop tries to shoot Sheriff Truman but not if Lucy has anything to do with it, and gurlfriend shoots him and saves the day (#TeamBeigeChair4Ever). Then Coop and Gordon and Co both have perfectly timed entrances just as Bob the Blob emerges from Bad Coop. The rest of the scene has Coop’s superimposed face on it (sure?) as British Jimmy fulfills his destiny of punching Bob out of existence. Also: British Jimmy is totally gonna have his own Netflix Marvel spin-off show, right? Also Jim Belushi is all of us during this scene.

And Andy brings the eyeless lady to Coop in time for her to morph into...

DIANE IN A RED WIG! Sure, why not, right? I guess we know she is the real Diane because of her wig makeover?? Or the fact that she immediately makes out with Coop? WHO KNOWS?! I’m not even sure if we are supposed to believe that this terrible wig is real hair so why am I even typing this?! WHATEVER WE’VE MADE IT THIS FAR LET’S JUST KEEP GOING.

Anyway, Coop, Diane and Gordon go to visit David Bowie in teapot form (yes I just that sentence) and Coop is teleported back to 1989 where we get some sweet B&W flashbacks of Fire Walk With Me scenes showing Laura Palmer about to get herself murdered. But this time, Coop is there to save her! What what what?! Yes, this show is maybe about to rewrite history? Oh no nevermind - Laura was totally kidnapped away by...the forest? Seems legit.

EPISODE 18

YOU GUYS WE MADE IT TO THE FINAL EPISODE! I still have no idea what the hell is going on with the wigs or otherwise but whatever. We get some more flashbacks to the original series, except no one finds Laura’s body. Curious. Then we see Bad Coop in the Black Lodge turning into a golden nugget (SASHAY AWAY TERRIBLE TERRIBLE WIG) and then morphing into a Dougie tulpa - congrats Janey E and Sonny Jim Jones?

Back in the forest, Coop still can’t find Laura but he does find Diane and her terrible red wig. Close enough? Anyway, they take a roadtrip to some random electrical wires where they shapeshift into a different dimension where they go to a hotel and have the most uncomfortable consensual/not consensual sex scene this side of Straw Dogs.

In the morning, Diane is gone and Coop and the hotel seem different. Coop must go out in search of some coffee at the local diner, where he also has to beat up some cowboy scum because sure - we have time for that.

Anyway, he finally finds what he’s been looking for: LAURA PALMER! Oh except she isn’t Laura Palmer; her name is Carrie Page and she’s never heard of Laura Palmer but she DID just murder some dude so sure: road trip!

They make it back to Twin Peaks in near utter silence (nope, nothing to talk about...) and Coop gets Carrie/Laura back to her mom’s house!

Everything seems to be going great until they knock on the door...

And this beautiful goddess in thirsty thirsty blowdryed locks answers the door. No, she’s not Sarah Palmer - she’s some bitch named Alice Tremont who doesn’t understand anything Coop is saying (you and me both!) WHAT?!

This is the right house, right? Oh wait - what year is it?

WHO KNOWS?! But Laura/Carrie have a good primal scream about it and: that’s it! Seriously, the whole show is over, leaving us with about as satisfying an ending as The Sopranos or the Gilmore Girls revival.

In the end, we have no clue what happened but all that matters is: the (few) wigs involved were terrible so let’s all just primal scream about it. And if you are still reading this, kudos to you for reading the longest blog post about wigs probably EVER!

VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ

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whogoesthere-cleveland-blog · 8 years ago

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John’s Diner

The Place: John’s Diner Location: Lakewood, Ohio

Susan: John’s Diner - Where even your lowest expectations are already too high.

Shannon: Blessed are those who expect nothing, for they will finally be disappointed.

Overview of John’s Diner

Shannon: There is so much potential here. A great location, ample parking, and historic roots. Unfortunately John’s Diner doesn’t capitalize on any of this. In fact, their overt reluctance to give this joint the facelift it so badly deserves and turn it into that quaint nod to yesteryear should be an obvious indication of their all-around slapdash attitude. They aren’t really concerned with you, the patron, nor are they interested in helping continue to revitalize a city that’s recently been named one of the top ten most exciting suburbs in the nation by real estate blog, Movoto. The owners of John’s Diner are in business to serve, alright, but unfortunately all they seem to serve are their own interests. Anchored at the corner of Detroit Avenue and Park Row in Lakewood, Ohio, it seems that John’s Diner has become a beacon for the downtrodden. I used to visit this place as a kid and recall many a happy Saturday mornings liberally applying packet after packet of grape jelly to my white toast or pouring stainless steel carafes of warm syrup all over my pancakes - griddle cakes in greasy spoon parlance. I even learned my first lesson in commerce at John’s Diner when I was tasked with a responsibility well beyond my years: ’Go on up to the counter and pay the check’ my mom would instruct as she handed me a well-worn collection of one dollar bills from her embroidered wallet and continued to smoke and jaw-jack with the other adults. But times have changed, and where there once existed home cooking served “piping hot as you like it” there is now only propaganda and neglect.

Susan: I’ve never been here before. My only reference to John’s Diner is when a friend of mine said the cook was smoking a cigarette while preparing food on the grill. Granted, this was back when one could still smoke in restaurants, but still, that had to be a health code violation even in the 90s. I’m supposed to add a description of the interior, but I don’t think mere words could do it justice. Authentic 50s diner front with a perhaps 60s addition. There’s an organ in the foyer that doesn’t work. The interior décor was both confusing and filthy, and if that’s a design aesthetic, they nailed it. Oddly framed prints or articles cut out of the newspaper hung askew on the walls. Some were sports related (but not necessarily Cleveland sports), but others were just random, faded “art”. I don’t know. Half of the ceiling fans were painted bright red and royal blue, though this did not match any color scheme in the restaurant or the other crud colored ceiling fans. The booths were crimson and Duct tape. It was strangely silent in there, except if one sits at the counter, then you can almost hear a radio playing Richard Marx.

After being seated, we both started off with coffee.

Susan: The coffee can best be described as mothball flavored hot water, but with an acrid, bitter aftertaste. I mean, I’m not really a coffee snob. I’ll drink diner coffee with the best of ‘em, but this was just a completely different animal. Like they really went out of their way to make it taste bad in a manner that no other diner coffee is bad. In this area, John’s Diner excelled.

Shannon: My guess is that maybe they were storing the mothballs too close to the industrial sized drum of Folgers crystal flakes - a coffee that may have fooled upscale coke heads at Tavern on the Green in the 80s, but wasn’t fooling us in the here and now. Coffee is a staple in diners across the land. Plus we live in an age where private roasteries are busting out all over and yet John’s Diner somehow manages to turn a blind eye to each and every local purveyor of quality beans, and instead goes with whatever generic blend they’ve been brewing since time immemorial. Coffee could be an easy and inexpensive fix that would immediately boost the dining experience and make patrons a little more forgiving about the rest of the troubling menu.

We both ordered simple meals:

Susan: I got the grilled cheese and fries. Uh, it was of a lower quality Denny’s variety. Very, very generic, however, I felt it was least likely to induce dysentery and therefore, my best choice. I ate it. It was unremarkable. I did not get sick. The bar was set low for John’s Diner. Shannon - I got a pretty generic breakfast. Scrambled eggs and pancakes. I don’t want to brag, but I can make this stuff at home so I was kind of hoping a place specializing in breakfast might be able to create this dish with a little more elan than what I’m capable of. Not so. The scrambled eggs seemed to be hemorrhaging water, and the pancakes - Susan, you pointed out that they looked like McDonald’s hotcakes - also pretty much tasted like them. Something I learned pretty quickly was that you need a backup plan for breakfast once you leave John’s Diner. I went to Starbucks immediately after and got the Gouda sandwich. Susan- Your breakfast was deemed “room temperature flavored”. Mmmm….Just like Gramma used to make!

We both worried about the elderly waitstaff:

Shannon: Maybe these waitresses (and let’s face it, they are waitresses; the word server somehow passed this generation by) are just looking for a way to make a little money during retirement or maybe John’s Diner is located in the Twilight Zone; either way, I worried they might be a little too old to be on their feet for that many hours per day; and quite possibly lacked the mental acuity to keep track of the myriad requests from each table. Then again, this job could be a punishment for a crime they committed in a past life and slinging hash at John’s Diner is their own brand of purgatory until they have atoned for their sins. I’m not really sure, I just know I felt uncomfortable being served by someone who already seemed to have outlasted their expiration date - although outlasting an expiration date seems to be a popular theme at John’s Diner. Susan: Yeah, a veteran wait staff, for sure. Ha! Your hypothesis was that these ladies were part of an octogenarian work re-entry program hosted by the Department of Aging. This would make me feel better if this were true. Otherwise, it’s kind of a bummer. But I will say, our waitress was very attentive and pretty nice. We did not want for anything (except for wanting to not be there). I would have felt bad if I had to ask for anything additional. Oh! Maybe that’s why the coffee is so God awful! These Golden Girls aren’t trying to run back and forth for refills all damned day long! OK, now it makes sense.

Who Goes There? Susan: Aging sea captains (primarily Greek), elderly men who live in boarding houses, a few regular people, a few regulars, and those that have lived a life of regret.

Shannon: People who never learn from their mistakes.

What philosophical school of thought would be most comfortable at John’s Diner?

Shannon: Nihilists and the hopeless.

Susan: No frills pragmatists with declining taste buds.

If John’s Diner were a TV show hangout, who would be a regular?

Susan: Maybe Archie Bunker...

Shannon: I could see Ralph Kramden stopping by every morning to shoot the breeze and fill his thermos with some of that signature hot mothball water.

Susan: In other words, curmudgeons with no more fucks to give.

Additional thoughts:

Shannon: I was pleased to see the smoking section had been relocated from the kitchen to a space out back with one plastic lawn chair. The last time I was there - which was easily a decade ago - the cook was standing over the grill with a cigarette hanging from his mouth and six inches of ash ready to drop and get scrambled out of existence. Another thing, it might not hurt to hire a professional cleaning crew. The waitstaff probably can’t really operate heavy water-soaked vintage mops anymore what with all those hip replacements and bad knees, so maybe once a week the owner could spring for a legitimate cleaning crew to swing by with a little bleach just to help ensure that the E. coli has less options for breeding.

Susan: Yeah, speaking of which, when I told a mutual acquaintance we went there she immediately said, “OH! Did you get sick? My friend just went there and she swears it made her sick!” What could I say other than, “Probably”?

Would you go back?

Shannon: Maybe. Like if the car broke down in front of the place right in the middle of a snow blizzard.

Susan: No. Not even then. I really can’t think of any circumstance that would compel me to return to John’s Diner. Oh, maybe on a dare. I would go on a dare if the stakes were high enough.

Is it a good place to bring Neal in a Baby Bjorn? Susan: I think yes, because the cleanliness standards are already so low. Why would they care if you brought a cat in there? What’s going to happen? He’s going to somehow “mess it up”? Bah hahahaha! That’s absurd. At the very least, he would improve the overall experience for diners.

Shannon: Yes. Somebody has to catch the mice.

Hours of Operation and Payment Options: John’s Diner only accepts cash (and probably sobriety tokens and gold doubloons); and is open Monday through Saturday, 7 am - 8 pm and Sunday, 7 am - 3 pm

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tshirtfashiontrend · 5 years ago

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auburnfamilynews · 5 years ago

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I laughed. What else could I do?

No, Anders Carlson missing a potential game-icing field goal with 1:14 to play against Ole Miss isn’t something I’d have found funny at any other point in my Auburn football-watching life. But the Tigers had outgained the Rebels 502-to-232 at that point. They’d entered Ole Miss territory 10 times, while Ole Miss had entered Auburn territory only twice. Auburn had not given up a touchdown directly from either a special teams play or an offensive turnover; in fact, they’d only turned the ball over once. And for all of that, after Carlson’s miss, they were one Rebel drive from losing, one defensive breakdown from maybe the most disappointing loss of Gus Malzahn’s seven seasons as head coach.

So: on paper, a good-to-very good performance. On paper, a comfortable victory that offers optimism for more good home showings against the Amen Corner teams. On paper, an enjoyable viewing experience. In practice, teeth-gnashing frustration to the point of bitter laughter, because of course.

Because this is Malzahn’s Tigers tenure in one tidy 60-minute package. On paper, an Auburn program is plenty strong enough and plenty accomplished enough to keep any reasonable fan satisfied. In practice, even the reasonable fans can be excused if they’ve reached a point of frustrated exhaustion.

I hope they can be, anyway, since I reached that point in the wake of the game in Baton Rouge. As a fellow Cars-loving football-obsessed Southern Christian nerd, no Auburn coach of my lifetime has connected with me on a personal level more than Gus Malzahn. I’ve defended him on this site again and again and again, repeatedly during my SEC Country gig, on Twitter more times than I could possibly count. The determination of so, so many Auburn fans to irrationally dismiss his successes and cling to his failures has been a years-long disappointment.

But even my admiration and patience can do so much in the face of a drive chart like this:

13 possessions beginning in Auburn territory, 9 of them ending in a punt after 4 plays or fewer. 3 of them ending in LSU territory, none in a touchdown. 2 of them lasting longer than 5 plays, one of those ending in a punt from Auburn’s half of the field. All while an Auburn defense holds the same offense that shredded Alabama for 46 points in Bryant-Denny to 23 on its own field.

On paper, losing by 3 on the road at an all-but-certain playoff team is a-OK. In practice, I’m so tired of trying to talk myself into that paper that when Carlson’s missed field goal balls it up and throws it in the trash yet again, there’s nothing left to do but laugh.

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In a piece now lost to SEC Country’s demise and the Internet ether, I argued before the 2017 Auburn-Georgia meeting that Malzahn was about to coach the biggest game of his Tigers career. 2013 was four years in the rearview, and despite some impressive performances in the interim, after blowing shoulda-coulda-woulda wins at UGA in 2016 and LSU in 2017, Gus needed to prove that he could still win a game that mattered — like, mattered-mattered — to Auburn fans. He whipped the Dawg crap out of Georgia, then destroyed Alabama for good measure. The evidence at the time seemed plain: give Gus both a competent quarterback and a competent defense, and his ceiling was still as high as it seemed in 2013.

The evidence 1.75 seasons later seems far murkier. Gus enjoyed both a competent quarterback and a far-more-than-competent defense last season, and it didn’t matter. Whether Bo Nix qualifies as competent or not might rest in the eye of the beholder, but surely we can agree he’s not Jeremy Johnson or 2015 Sean White, and at Florida and LSU that didn’t matter either.

So here we are, in November 2019, asking again if a Gus Malzahn team can win the games Auburn fans need him to win. It might not be fair to ask, given that his current Tigers have already beaten a potential Pac-12 champion-slash-playoff contender on a neutral field, are one of the 10 best teams in the country according to the best power ranking systems we have, and (Ole Miss flukishness aside) have continued to dispatch lesser SEC foes with aplomb. What more can you logically want? I ask myself.

The answer is that I want to feel giddy after an Auburn football victory again. I want to feel delighted. I want to wake up on Sunday morning still grinning about what happened the previous day. I want to sit back, exhale, and feel the buzzing in my bones I only get after Auburn has done something wondrous, something momentous. That hasn’t happened since 2017, and that Amen Corner remains the only time it’s happened since Tre Mason ran over Missouri.

That might be my problem. Perhaps the Oregon win — and Washington win before it — should have qualified. Perhaps beating LSU in 2014 or 2016 should have. Perhaps torching Bret “Bert” Bielema’s 2016 Arkansas or this year’s Mississippi State to flecks of campfire ash should have. But those teams aren’t good enough to provoke the emotional reaction I want. The LSU teams Gus defeated weren’t believed to be that great at the time, either. And as thrilling, reassuring, and resume-building as the victories over the Huskies and Ducks have been, there’s only so much weight a season-opener against a Pac-12 opponent can carry.

“Gus can’t beat good teams” is malarkey. “Gus’s record against Teams X, Y and Alabama is bad” is malarkey unless you’re also noting that his record against Alabama is better than anyone else’s in the SEC. Not acknowledging that Gus’s teams don’t lay season-wrecking Tuberville-style eggs*, don’t quit on him, don’t generate ugly off-field headlines, and do enjoy themselves enough that no less of a player than Derrick damn Brown would return for a senior season: definitely malarkey.

But it’s not malarkey to point out that Gus has gone a combined 4-9 against LSU and Georgia when many of those LSU and Georgia teams were Very Much Not All That Great and many of those games were Very Much Winnable. It’s not malarkey to say that going forward, those games likely won’t be any more winnable, either. It’s not malarkey to believe that if Gus can’t beat Georgia tomorrow or Alabama in a couple weeks, he’ll have put together one unambiguously good season in his last six.

After 2017, I’d have told you that yes, Gus remains the coach who gave us the CoxCat and the 2016 loss in Athens and a half-dozen other defeats whose pain and frustration go well beyond a notch on the bad side of the win-loss column. But I’d have also told you that as long as he could deploy a non-Jeremy Johnson quarterback, he’d repay that frustration with electrice, cathartic victory.

In 2019, the hair-pulling defeats are still here. As of yet, the soul-restoring victories are not. If Gus can’t rebalance that equation over the next month, it will only be fair to ask when/if he can.

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So roughly 24 hours from the Georgia game kicking off, it feels like we’re on a big outdoor train platform, Gus and myself. There’s long whistles in the distance, plumes of smoke. The trains are coming into the station.

This first one, its destination is one Amen Corner win or a couple of dignified, non-infuriating losses, followed by Gus’s unveiling as the new head coach at Arkansas. Who could blame him if he boards? His offensive line next season is one bad roll of the JUCO dice from disaster. No defense, not even this one, can lose the likes of Brown and Marlon Davidson without noticing. Nix can only improve so much. Rather than wait a year to get the boot, why not just go home while you can?

A second train huffs and puffs its way alongside the platform. I like it less. It will take Gus to a toothless repeat of the LSU game against the Dawgs, some unfortunate unfiltered comments from veteran defensive players afterward, and a decisive, demoralized defeat against Alabama. Auburn’s incensed boosters go through their couch cushions and pay the buyout.

The third train pulling into the station is my favorite. Passengers will have the pleasure of riding to a place much like 2017: a win over playoff hopeful Georgia, a win over playoff hopeful Alabama, a 10-2 record, a New Year’s Six bowl berth and good feelings all around. Those feelings will only last for so long — with next years roster and schedule, there’s a good chance this train brings us right back to this platform in two years’ time, just as 2017 didn’t keep us from it two years ago — but putting the final nail in both the Dawgs’ and Tide’s playoff coffins means no one cares (or should).

I don’t know which train Gus will board. I don’t know what happens after he does. If he does take a one-way trip away from Auburn, I don’t know if the Tigers will be able to replace him with anyone better. My hunch is that they cannot. But after the first 9 games of this season, I will not blame them if they try.

Here’s what I do know: something is about to happen. Auburn cannot wait on this platform forever, watching our rivals head off to exotic locales while it sips coffee and goes a homebody’s 8-4. Gus Malzahn has to choose his destination. I will carry his bags. I will give him a hug. I will wish him the absolute best, and mean every kind word.

But I also must ask him to decide where his program is going. I’m hoping it’s headed straight to victory over Georgia, and on to victory over Alabama. If not, we’ll deal with going other places, too. Like the last patron at the bar, like the late-night passenger who’s missed the final train, what matters is that Auburn can’t stay here.

*Well, the “get obliterated at home against Darren McFadden’s Arkansas or Andrew Zow’s Alabama” kind of egg-laying. Malzahn’s is more an exclusively “oops, our offense gained one first down in a half in a game we lost by less than a touchdown” kind of egg-laying.

Photo via @AUGoldMine

from The War Eagle Reader https://www.thewareaglereader.com/2019/11/gus-malzahn-and-the-whistles-of-the-trains/

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