#from a girl who is very privileged when it comes to gender

[party-gilmore]

also don't get me wrong in very happy that some transmascs get to HAVE that relief.

Very, VERY happy.

And YES it's so phenomenal to see people break away from the bullshit standards of feminity force fed to us from before we can even speak.

But masculinity in this society comes with it's OWN bullshit fucking standards.

And do y

do y'all understand

that for others of us

the goddamn PRESSURE just fucking INCREASES???

I had a HARD enough time trying to feel attractive as Woman (tm) when I had at least the "correct" basis for the impression I was going to make!!! I knew that men who like women also tend to like boobs, and hips, and cunt, and hey at least I had those! Just had to figure out how to make the rest of me somehow appealing against all the other fuck off beauty standards too!

But NOW???? NOW????????

Not only do I still feel the general struggle of the same aesthetic "flaws" I've always seen in myself but ALSO the constant undercutting of I don't even have (what I feel like) gay men WANT.

Like HELL Im still just trying to succeed in feeling like Not An Imposter in gay, male spaces. Let alone ATTRACTIVE in them.

And some folks are out here thinking that's a PRIVILEGE?!?! That its somehow a BONUS to be faced with a whole aspect of your physical image that you're having to create from SCRATCH??!? That you know you're going to have to go above and beyond to make absolutely PERFECT just to be ACCEPTED in these spaces as anything other than a Butch Lesbian at best or straight girl faghag at worst, let alone DESIRED in them????

And that's just the GENDER ACCEPTANCE part of the attractiveness!!!! Trying to be a Basic Attractive Man while built with the "wrong" parts to pull it off! That's not even getting INTO gay male beauty standards!!!

Have you SEEN the emphasis on BODY??? The Big Three of Bear Hunk Twink? Have y'all noticed the sort of... lack of anything in between?

Oh there's all sorts of fun "In Between" labels, sure, otter, twunk, whatever... But they are are just literally combos OF those three body types. Bear with Twink traits. Hunk with Bear traits. Shut up shut up shut UP ABOUT THEM.

And if you're on the more femme side of gay? The cosmetics and beat face standards are no different than what I faced as a woman. HELL, i'd even say the expectations are WORSE, because at least as woman I was still SEEN as a woman, just one who'd "given up" 🙄 but going out to the gay bar nowadays, the IMPECCABLY beat face for "femmes" is not just STANDARD but seems almost a CULTURAL indicator of even BEING "really" gay in the first place!!! Because gays are so GOOD and m at fashion and style and strutting, you know? If you don't know this YouTuber or that MUA tiktokker, what are you even DOING, my dear little baby gay??? Honey come back when you've at least learned the culture 😘

BABY g-

Bitch I've been gay for men longer than you've been ALIVE, fuck OOOOOFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

and then that person in the post OP mentions had the fucking GALL to look at someone who's managed to break away from AT LEAST the pressure they had to face as women to feel attractive, MAYBE even some of the new pressures they would have to face of they wanted to feel attractive now or find a partner as a man, depending on if that is or isn't a priority/concern for them, and say... how lucky for you to be so privileged over me

...WHAT?? WHAT!!?? M

Still thinking about that post claiming that transmascs expressing relief that they don't have worry if they're attractive anymore is an example of them experiencing male privilege.

A person who has been taught it was their duty to be attractive to straight men: Wow, it feels so good to be able to overcome this and let myself just exist

A person so engrossed in online discourse they lost contact with reality: I hope you understand how much privilege it gives you over me!

Those transmasc people were 'able to' stop worring about their attractiveness *because they managed to overcome the brainwashing they were subjected to* not because the patriarchy gave them a dispense! They are still punished for 'uglifying' themselves! They let THEMSELVES abandon misogynistic beauty standards but the patriarchy still holds them up to it!

Nobody calling themselves a feminist would accuse a woman who broke free from misogynistic beauty standards of being privileged over those who haven't. Yet when it's a transmasc person who broke free, they are called privileged over women.

[eightfifteen]

i do love that El has such a fucked up view of society. Like more than anyone she's stuck with the most radical view of societal rules and conformity because that's the only experience she has with society - the rules taught to her.

El has never been taught how girls are weaker than boys. That's never been the issue. Not at the lab, and not since escaping.

She knows women are strong and capable because she's seen Nancy and Joyce and Max exist right in front of her. She herself is powerful beyond anything society thinks she's capable of and not just as a woman.

But she has been taught gender norms, more than anything or anyone else, i think. Because she was raised in an environment where boys and girls were literally the same - there was no gender divide, no color coding, nothing to tell one from the other.

So she comes into society and one of the first things she's taught is to blend in by wearing a pink dress and have long hair.

Other people are born into this society, and though they're also definitely taught conformity and raised on gendernorms, because they've actually lived it, they've also pushed up against the boundaries of those rules, they've experienced the flaws first-hand, realized that just because they're girls doesn't mean they don't want to play with 'boy' toys, or don't prefer wearing pants over dresses. Like they had to fight against this idea from a very young age to varying degrees of success.

But not only did El never bump against the constraints herself (like never was told she couldn't have anything she wanted because she's a girl), she actively wants to fit in as much as possible because she wants to be normal. And the idea that there is a normal, a perfect guide and set of rules to follow so she can make sure she's always doing the right thing, brings her a sense of security.

Her powers - that strength she has - is part of her trauma. She only has that because of the hands of men, and though she wants and needs that power to exist and feel secure after all she's been through, she'd much rather never have had them at all. Her ultimate dream is to have been raised a normal little girl in a pink bedroom who only has to worry about make up and boys and shopping because that's what she sees 'normal' girls got to experience, that's what she feels has been taken from her. To her, that's nothing to feel shamed about, that's nothing to resent, or to feel weak for. Especially as she sees how much power girls like Angela have by doing everything right. To her, all that gender-conforming, hetero-normative bullshit is what makes teenagers powerful.

She's seen the party struggle and be belittled because they're different and therefore powerless. And even Nancy, who is her closest experience with a physically powerful woman (other than Joyce), likes pink and wears dresses and dates boys. Like even Max, who is a little more tomboyish, takes her out to do typically girlish things. And even on the other side of that spectrum, she's seen Joyce struggle because she doesn't look like what a supposedly 'powerful' woman at the time looks like - aka someone like Karen who can afford to curate her look.

Part of the reason she's getting burned in LA, is because she doesn't have anyone to teach her or guide her gender-conformity. So she's struggling and trying to find her own way to perfect femininity. Like she's trying to replicate the girls around her - wear dresses, and curate outfits that are colorful and garner attention, and wear her hair long, and decorate her room like Nancy's and have a boyfriend and go to the roller rink on dates.

But she's not doing it correctly and she can't figure out what it is that she's doing wrong. Because though Max taught her to like typical girly things, and separate herself from boys, she never taught her the part of what a typical girl is supposed to look like because Max doesn't restrict herself to typical feminine fashion, and both Hopper and Joyce wear flannel so which is it??? She doesn't understand that dressing "the right way" is part of femininity or what "the right way" is.

She doesn't get the nuance of it all. So she's wearing whatever clothes she wants to wear, because that's what Max taught her, but likes the girly things Max likes and not the stupid boy things, because that's also the message she got from Max (even if it wasn't intended as such). Like Max never took her to the Arcade or took her skateboarding, because she was following along with what El thought she liked. Hell, even the comic book she shows El is a "girly" comic book in the sense that it's still catered towards girls. And El inherently just seems to like girly things and doesn't care for science or DnD or video games like the party does, so that's yet another reason for her not to think anything wrong with gender-norms because she's a girl and likes these things so that's correct.

And so El desperately wants to understand femininity but she can't put the pieces together and can't do it right.

She never sees femininity as anything less, but she still very much thinks femininity is something else entirely from masculinity. And that those things are inherently separate and tied to someone's assigned gender, because that's what society is teaching her and she has no reason or desire to question that, even if she doesn't understand it. She does have questions, obviously, cause she doesn't know the rules, but she has no reason to think the whole thing is flawed, or that there are varying shades of purple in between pink and blue.

Like gender-nonconformity in a way is literally part of her trauma - hello rainbow room (sorry bad joke) - and we all cried when she woke up and realised her hair was gone. And you can tell at the end of season 4 she realises that will always be a part of her, and she seems to give up on trying to fit the norm a little bit (mostly because there's worse things going on). I hope that she can realize that gender-nonconformity wasn't the problem, but the lack of identity is, and that she has to find her identity herself other than rely on society to tell her who she is.

[drdemonprince]

to the anon asking why trans women don't have male privilege.

well. a lot of you are gonna be shocked to hear this one, but it's incredibly clear why not if you listen to trans women's experiences.

trans women have written at length about being sexually victimized, othered, subjected to violence for gender non-conformity, internalizing transmisogynistic cultural norms, being socially excluded and penalized for their failure to be adequate "cis men" and much more. if you are a person who has experienced misogyny but are not a trans woman you really have got to spend a lot of time reading transfeminist writing about this stuff, because your understanding of gender based oppression will always be woefully incomplete if you don't know what a lot of trans women go through and trust them as a reputable source.

here are some texts that i recommend just off the dome

Here's a thread from Grace Lavery about how even before she came out as a trans woman, men perceived her as an acceptable target for sexual assault in much the same way they do women of all kinds.

Here's a book from Laura Kate Dale about how her Autism was never recognized when she was a child because she met all the hallmarks of "female Autism" as a young closet trans girl.

Here's Jules Gill-Peterson on what transmisogyny is, how it functions, and how it affects the entire course of trans women's lives.

Here's Julia Serano's foundational text that introduced the concept of transmisogyny which explains at length how transmisogyny is so baked into our culture that it influences everyone and harms trans women long before they come out.

There's also just, you know, the base logic that queer people still suffer from homophobia and transphobia as kids before they even *know* they are queer. That's not exactly controversial. In fact the very fact that presumed straightness and cisness is forced upon everyone to the extent that a person must "come out" as anything else is a clear demonstration that trans women suffer from transmisogyny at every point in their lives. Being told you are not permitted to be yourself, that people like you do not even exist, is a pretty core experience of oppression and mimics what a lot of other groups of oppressed women (for example, lesbians) go through.

I will also clarify that trans men often experience privileges related to transmasculinity before they even come out! People never quite treated me the way they treated cis women, I've written about that before, and while structurally trans men do experience misogyny, their positionality is different in all kinds of subtle ways.

[willgrahamscock]

you'll forever be a cringey immature straight girl no matter if you call yourself a he or a xim or a identify as a table leg, no matter how many bone-eroding cross-sex hormones you take or whether you amputate or boobs or not. biologicallly you will always be a female heterosexual since that's what you were born as. neuroscience proves that heteros aka opposite-sex attracted people have distinct brain phenotypes from gay people, regardless of if they identify as trans or not. heterosexual aka male-attracted 'transmen' have the same brain chemistry as any normie het woman, proving both that sexuality is only determined by sex and that transness isn't innate the way homosexuality is. you can larp as whatever, call neuroscience and basic knowledge on sexuality 'stinky doo doo opinions' like a petulant child who just realized santa isn't real. the only thing you're doing is embarrassing yourselves in front of anyone with the slightest cerebral functionality because you're mad we're calling out your gay-fetishizing homophobic anti-scientific bs for what it is unlike the tras who pretend to see you as 'gay' 'men' because they feel sorry for your mentally ill ass and your internalized misogyny. sure you het women will never be in an equal relationship with a male because straight men see you as throwaway sex toys and free domestic servants but this isn't an excuse for you to fetishize gay men and pretend to be them, certainly not an excuse to expect them to go along with the charade and put up with you het weirdos preying on them. het males aren't dumb when it comes to manipulating women for easy p*ssy which is why they're already on grindr with your het ass, pretending to be QWeEr and non-binary to get that mentally ill gullible cooch. no actual gay male will look at you and have any other emotion aside from anger and pitiful laughter. even if you 'pass' completely, they'll be disgusted after learning you have female genitalia and lose any attraction they may have had because het sex is abnormal and undesirable to gay people, not falling for and not wanting to fuck the opposite sex is the literal essence of our sexuality which you are diametrically opposed to. you'll just rub your nub away to yaoi like any other fujo who is either an ugly woman or understandably disillusioned with men but the only outcome is that you'll be a bitter p0rn sick lonely coomer just like those crusty basement-dwelling straight men who can't get laid. the worst part is that nearly any het woman like you can get laid, that's no achievement, het men will even pretend to be bi or gay to use you as a fleshlight but no gay male will ever want your musty homophobic vag, they want none at all and deep down you know it. that you'll never be loved and wanted by a gay man, that you'll never be seen as gay or male by anyone. you'll never know the ultimate compatibility and sublime equality that only exists in same-sex love. and now that you've ruined your straight woman privilege, only the most abusive and weird straight men will go after you, whose only purpose is to take advantage of you. what a sad existence, foaming at the mouth at gay people for standing up for ourselves when you fake progressive breeders try to brainwash your fellow homophobes into your heteronormative bioessentialist homophobia, insisting gay people could be bisexually attracted as long as you wear 'boy clothes' and cut your hair off. congrats on alienating the very people you pretend to be, most of us were 'trans allies' just a few years ago before you went full crackhead and started pretending sexuality is based on a made-up gender not biological sex. enjoy withering away in your early menopause knowing no gay person will ever love or desire you, knowing you'll never be us and should be grateful since you couldn’t stand a day of real oppression. choke on as much d*ck as you'd like, it only proves what a wanton female hetero you are and that straight males would stick their d*ck in anyone female

I ain't reading all that

[doberbutts]

is it just me or is like the whole stuff of cishet men dni and (cis perisex) women only spaces conflating vulnerability with safety? like, with a cis man and a cis woman who otherwise have quote unquote equal positions in society otherwise, there's the risk (or put it danger) from him being able to use his male privilege against her. but if it were a trans man or another cis woman instead that doesn't make them safe and unable to weaponize misogyny or commit interpersonal violence against her, they are just vulnerable to her ability to fight back so to speak in ways that the cis man isn't. but it feels like (general) we talk about these things like they're the same.

I firmly believe that every single transgender person is a marginalized gender due to their transgender status- this is something that I have seen discussed within black transfeminism regularly (see also: MaGe) and yet we get onto tumblr and suddenly all of that disappears under "by effect of being a man you inherently have male privilege and your very existence oppresses all women" rather than realize that transgender people as a whole operate within a structure of marginalization themselves.

As I have said repeatedly- it's not that I don't think trans men are capable of having male privilege (we are) or that I don't think trans men can contribute to and even utilize misogyny to our benefit (we can) - it's that the power and effect of this can depend wildly from trans man to trans man, and what one trans man is capable of might be well out of reach for another.

I have a good friend who is, on paper, demographically very similar to me. She is a cis lesbian, black/white/native, occupying the same tax bracket and occupation, disabled and neurodiverse. We've had extensive discussions about black and gender and gay politics, even when we don't agree we can usually see where each other is coming from.

I have absolutely no problem stating that in certain situations, I do absolutely have privilege over her despite my status as trans and hers as cis. I'm fairly cis-passing at this point. We go out to eat together whenever we can- it is demonstratably significantly more likely that she will be hit on and harassed by a cishet man looking to shoot his shot with a pretty girl than I am. It is significantly more likely that any and all pushback she gives this hypothetical man will be, at best, ignored, and at worst, met with physical or sexual violence. It is also significantly more likely that my very presence at the table will prevent him from doing so, as my approximate physical positioning to her acts as a claim to would-be creeps, and any pushback I give in this scenario is more likely to be met with him backing off.

It's also true that should this would-be creep clock me, register either of our gay signaling, or be racist on top of sexist, this situation might also go sideways for the both of us at any given point. It's entirely possible that this guy will spike her drink when I get up to use the bathroom, or that he'll follow us out to the parking lot and stab one of us, or cause a scene to get us both kicked out. We are both black and gay, after all. Intersectionality is key, here.

Three years ago, I had not yet started testosterone. I only passed maybe 50% of the time, and usually assumed to be a teenager despite being just touching 30. Three years ago, this hypothetical situation would have played out much differently.

Twelve years ago, it did. I was in college and had gone to a local McDonalds with one of my friends, another student there, for lunch. A man old enough to be our grandfather began to hit on us, ignoring our pushback and attempts to move away from and ignore him. I was binding at the time, with my hair cut short, going by he/him exclusively with my friends and out within my college sphere. And yet, what made this guy back off was my (white) cishet friend who prickled at him and began to make a scene until he heard that we were college students, at which point he disengaged entirely. Yup- he was looking for high schoolers to creep on, and we both made various noises of disgust once we realized his actual target.

Being a trans man had very little if any effect on this situation- my presence at the table was no help, my refusal to play ball was no help telling him to go away and that we were not interested was no help. The only thing that helped was killing his pedophile boner once he knew we were adults. I shudder to think what would have happened had we actually been kids.

Back to my cis lesbian friend and the present day- the portion of the sport and dog fancy we both occupy is very cis woman dominated. She can and often does flex what power she has in order to help others get their start- we joke often that she's collecting a posse of trans men as she's somehow managed to sell to majority trans men with her most recent litter. She has no problem wading into a situation where a trans man is being ejected from a queer group and arguing for his right to stay. Early on in my transition, she would loudly correct pretty much anyone misgendering me until that person fixed their shit- and would hover making faces behind me if I was present at a show and they were being a shit about it.

She also sometimes goes on woman-only retreats. And, to be clear, it is her opinion that a trans woman by definition of being a woman should be invited to these retreats. She does not want men at these woman-only retreats, and that does include trans men. And, you know what? I don't really blame her- she wants a space where her womanhood is centered and not have to deal with Men And Their Feelings. Fair- men can be exhausting to deal with especially for lesbians. But she also agrees that maybe pushing a freshly-out trans man out of the group is perhaps a bit cruel if he has been there for years. Most likely, he will go on his own once he gets his feet under him. There's no need to shove him out the door prematurely.

And I think that's really the crux of it.

[plaidos]

Trans women are the most vulnerable in our community, and every trans woman deserves to have space to talk about her experiences with transmisogyny. it’s not an uncommon experience for trans women’s relationships to suffer greatly after coming out, as a result of ingrained societal transmisogyny, and trans women should never be silenced about it. My concern lies with TMA individuals using transphobic terms (like “theyfab”) used to invalidate non-binary people, when transmisogyny is the root issue here. Terms like TMA & TME are great tools for these conversations, and the overall sentiment of “sometimes non-binary afabs who aren’t educated on/affected by transmisogyny can be very transmisogynistic” is not lost on me. However, I find it difficult to just be okay with theyfab being picked up more and more lately, and I truly want to understand how continuing to use this language could be beneficial in the overall conversation.

Thanks for your time, I really appreciate if you’ve read this, and look forward to seeing what you have to say. Your activism and experience is very important and valuable for our community.

no, your problem is not listening: theyfab isn’t transphobic. you came in here to ask me what i thought about it, and now you’re coming back and moving the goalposts, but i totally reject the position you’re starting from here: trans girls referring to somebody’s assigned gender is not transphobic, especially when we’re pointing out that it grants them a privilege above us. like gender assignment is a real material thing that happens to people, and it materially gives people privilege over one another dependant on somebody’s gender. like….. you’re literally calling people “afabs” as a noun in the same breath as saying putting a they on it makes it transphobic. how is it any different?

what you’re saying doesn’t track. it doesn’t make sense. why is it transphobic to point out somebody’s gender assignment & material positionality? ESPECIALLY when we’re talking about a group of people who specifically utilises that gendered assignment in arguments against trans women all the time. to call somebody “theyfab” isn’t misgendering in any way (unless you’re trying to say afab means woman? which would make YOU transphobic). theyfab doesn’t mean “you’re a cis woman” (how would that even make sense? it doesn’t). all it refers to is the specific type of non-binary person who constantly plays the “well i was assigned female so i know more about womanhood than you” shit on transfems. if theyfabs don’t want to be called on that, THEY SHOULD STOP DOING IT.

[rosecrystal]

do you think feminism is still needed in 2025? like the word has completely lost its meaning. now it is toxic and all about hating men instead of doing something for women who are truly suffering. i am also a woman who knows how terrible the world is, both men and women are horrible. tbh we can't make our world a better place by hating men, this new wave of feminism is just misandry. ive been listening to candace owens lately and she's absolutely correct about how women's victimisation is harming our society. she talked about how women have taken advantage of the me too movement and put false allegations against men to make tons of money. these women are actually harming real victims who suffer in real life because these women don't care about having morals or anything. this radfem believe all women & kill all men nonsense is whats truly radicalising men to hate all women. most women don't even take accountability for their actions bc modern feminism and girls girl nonsense are influencing them in a very wrong way.

Do we need feminism in 2025? I don’t know in what kind of world you live in, but in mine every woman I know including me has been sexually harassed by a man at least once in their lifetime, according to the statistics around 91% of sexual assault victims are female with nearly 99% of the perpetrators being male, and this is just keeping in consideration victims who have actually come forward with it, because the majority of women who experience sexual assault do not report it to the police (about up to 20% of them do) . As a matter of fact, sexual assault is considered an underreported crime, even though there is a widely held belief that false rape accusations are common. An Irish prevalence study found that 40% of people believed rape allegations were often false, even though international research shows false rape accusations are very rare (with only about 2% of allegations being proven false).

Do we need feminism in 2025? When child brides still exist and women are still lacking basic rights throughout the world? When it’s going to take up to 134 years to fully close the gender pay gap in the most “developed” countries? When women in the U.S. who are pregnant or who have recently given birth are more likely to be murdered than to die from obstetric causes? What about medicine, where historically, medical studies have excluded female participants and research data have been collected from males and generalized to females? (And I’m not even getting into gender + racial bias when it comes to medical malpractice, or obstetric violence, which would need a whole chapter) Where most vaccines and medicines that are in circulation today have only been tested on the average white male? Where even pads, a female product, were tested on with water instead of menstrual blood and only recently were tested with it, revealing they’re not as effective as thought to be? When trans women face disproportionate violence and “honor” killings in the streets and their homes, and even at the hands of healthcare providers?

Do we need feminism in 2025, when a lot of people, you included, think that women speaking out against the mistreatment we have historically received and having higher standards, whether romantically or socially, means hating men? When even women “hating” men means avoiding men altogether or making online jokes, but men hating women translates in sexual and domestic violence and murder? Do we need feminism in 2025 when men getting radicalized by other men & the patriarchy to hate women is still blamed on the women?

While I’m not about “girls girl” privileged woman tiktok feminism, I will never discredit the war women fought and are still fighting all around the world in order to reach liberation and gender equality. I also ask you to look beyond superficial stereotypes and form your own opinions through studying and learning, it is never too late. The women who fought and got killed in fighting for their (our) rights, it is thanks to them that you and me can vote or study or work or have our own bank accounts today. At the very least we should do the same for future generations and keep the movement alive through activism today instead of falling into these superficial thought patterns. I agree about not agreeing with a lot of mainstream tiktok bullshit, then get educated and do something about it, join or create a club or movement instead of staying online philosophizing whether the type of feminism you see around is good or not. Do better. At the end of the day, none of us is free until all of us are free (and I mean every woman from every corner of the world, regardless of race, sexual orientation etc)! And that’s what I stand for and will always keep believing in.

[genderqueerdykes]

That anon with the 11 year old transmasc kid really hit home because holy shit I had the same experience as a young trans boy. When I was 11-12, I was also incredibly suicidal, and a huge part of it was because of the hatred I received from queer peers based on my gender. My own "friends" told me that I'd grow up to become a predator or a rapist, that I was betraying the girls and women in my life by becoming the enemy, or that I couldn't ACTUALLY be a boy because nobody in their right mind would want to become one of THOSE horrible things. I was so unbelievably ashamed of myself that I genuinely thought I'd just be better off dead than risk growing up into a man. Of course, I couldn't talk about this with anyone, because why would someone ever complain about being a boy? We always have so much privilege! My worries were shut down, and all of my problems were dismissed with either, "If it's causing you this much distress, you must not REALLY be a boy" or "Boys have it easy, you need to stop complaining and uplift the TRULY oppressed people here". My support system was non-existent at the time and if it wasn't for an older cousin coming out as a trans man and taking me under his wing, I don't know if I would've made it out of middle school alive. I know that sounds dramatic, but it's just the truth. Him showing me that being a man didn't mean I was doomed to become a monster, that there were people who'd see me for who I was without disgust or hatred, saved my life.

I have no clue if the parent who sent that ask will see this, but just in case: as someone who was in the same position as your son, I cannot stress enough how unbelievably thankful I am that there are parents like you out there. Having that much support at home would've saved me so much pain and suffering as a child, and although it's awful that your son has to go through this in the first place (or that *anyone* has to, really), I'm so so glad he has you both in his corner. It's so unbelievably fucking hard being that young and facing bigotry from a community that's supposed to support you, especially when large swaths of said community refuse to acknowledge the issue even exists in the first place. Knowing that you've got his back and that you're trying your best to not let him fall down a path of self hatred for being transmasc makes my heart ache in a good way. He's very lucky to have your love and support.

i am so sorry you've dealt with this too, it's becoming all too apparent how common this behavior is, and that it is in fact transmasculine erasure that is to blame for why people don't understand how the abuse is, and not that it's not happening. i really appreciate you for reaching out and sharing this, if that parent is still reading, i hope they know that they're awesome for taking such good care of their son.

[our-queer-experience]

Trans man vent rant incoming but its bothering the fuck out of me and I don't have anyone else to say this to.

I am so very very tired of being told to protect cis women. Don't make them uncomfortable in the bathroom or the locker room thats a "safe space," don't talk about how reproductive rights being stripped affects us too because "its a women's movement, don't derail," don't talk about how we are also victims of violence from cis men because "You're men, that doesn't happen to you, don't forget your privilege."

I'm so tired of it. Because you know what, I have been protecting cis women my entire life. I was that friend! I was the friend who stood up to cis men that made them uncomfortable, I'm the one they went to when they didn't feel safe, I was the one who slapped and punched and screamed at and reported every single fucking creep that made cis women uncomfortable and afraid. I was that person. And whether it was my masculine energy and look, or the fact that I'm ugly or the fact that I'm on the heavier side, you can blame it on whatever you want, but I was the person that cis women friends, classmates, and coworkers came to when they were uncomfortable. I was the person protecting them! Me!

But now that I'm a man? Now that I'm no longer a masculine women? Now that I've stepped over the smallest fucking line by daring to call myself a different word (I don't pass, before you get your panties in a bunch. Not you op, people in general) now suddenly I'm so scary?

When is it my fucking turn to be protected? Okay? When is it my turn? Because this has bothered me since I was a girl! Since I was that butch that everyone flocked to to stand up to cis men. When do I get to be protected? Because it is fucking radio silence from cis women. Now that I'm not a girl, what I don't matter anymore? Now that I'm the one who needs protecting LIKE IVE ALWAYS NEEDED no one is going to stand up for me? None of them.

When is it my turn to be afraid? When is it my turn to be comforted? When is it my turn to be protected? Why do they never, ever care?

I love my queer siblings, my trans siblings, and they've been nothing but wonderful, but it is still something I see even within the queer community, people that have done no or minimal work deconstructing gender, they are so quick to turn coat on trans men for the crime of being men. I'm so tired of being a man only when I've done something wrong, to have them call me a man as an insult. To project all their anger at cis men at me, who, surprise surprise is also treated like shit by cis het men. I'm a gay trans man. My passing goal is to be called a faggot instead of a tranny, so fuck, even passing isn't going to get me into their good graces.

Im just so tired. Cis women. Cis HET women especially, God, fucking do better.

(And yes I'm making generalizations based on my own experience, fucking sue me, I'm upset)

it reallly does seem like the terf and general rad fem movement is more concerned with feeling comfortable within the bounds of gender as they know it than our safety. it always seems to come second- a weird mix of “we’re not harming you, we’re defending ourselves” and “well, you deserve it for being a gender traitor”.

[maxdibert]

I’ve seen you talk about how the Marauders fandom (and how they have made their horrifically inaccurate fanon canon in a way) and I was curious about your thoughts on their horrible mischaracterisation of Lupin. From what I’ve seen they paint him as a sarcastic bad boy who’s apparently getting hit by everything all the time or whatever constantly (gee, sounds familiar in a way. ((I believe this was spurred on by ATYD.)) Anyways, thoughts?

Each of the Marauders triggers me in a different way, and not because I was bullied in school or have a visceral reaction due to personal traumas with people like them, but because I’ve met people like them. I’ve had to put up with people like them—people who are terrible, you know it, you see them as the absolute worst, yet they have the audacity to think they’re morally superior to others simply because of their political stances.

As a student, I was very involved in unions and active in political groups, and I’ve met James Potters (wealthy, privileged kids from progressive families who thought they were "fighters for the people" but had no clue about people’s actual needs and were only there because it was what they were supposed to do), Sirius Blacks (privileged kids who thought they were special because their whole family were fascists and they had "broken the cycle," yet they still carried all the prejudices of someone raised in a conservative, right-wing environment and made zero effort to deconstruct themselves because they thought not talking to their parents was enough), and Remus Lupins.

Remus Lupins, the quiet guys, the introverted ones who seem super nice but have awful friends. They don’t seem like terrible people because they don’t proactively show their flaws, and if you compare them to the others—who are a whirlwind—they appear as though they’ve never done anything wrong.

What bothers me about how the fandom characterizes Lupin is that it has nothing to do with what we see in the books or what Rowling said about him. Lupin was someone deeply insecure and self-conscious about his condition as a werewolf. He didn’t want to draw attention to himself as a way to hide that condition. He always followed behind his friends, letting them take the lead. His relationship with James and Sirius was nothing like Harry, Ron, and Hermione’s. The latter trio did everything together; they lived their adventures together. From what we know (because it’s explicitly mentioned in the books), the ones constantly seen together were James and Sirius. It’s literally stated that where one went, the other was always there. Remus (as Rowling herself said) was the third in a duo.

In fact, I imagine Remus and Peter being closer (something most people seem to find unthinkable because they have the critical reasoning skills of an amoeba when it comes to the Marauders) precisely because James and Sirius were the duo. The idea that Remus was some kind of alpha male is absolutely ridiculous because, if there were two characters in that generation who epitomized toxic masculinity and outdated gender dynamics to the fullest, they were James and Sirius—two bullies who used their power to get what they wanted, whether it was torturing someone or dating a girl.

We see Remus avoiding conflict, not having the guts to tell his friends they were wrong even though he had the responsibility of being a prefect. As an adult, we see him justifying his friends’ actions, which are unjustifiable. Remus was a lapdog because being with James and Sirius was a way for him to protect himself, to feel safe, and contradicting them would mean jeopardizing that safety he so desperately needed. So, he let everything slide. This is canon, and it tells you his personality was fearful, passive, and accommodating.

Remus is a coward. In fact, I find him much more cowardly than Peter. He never had the guts to confront his friends, never had the guts to admit that his friends were horrible people—even as adults—and never had guts, period. The best evidence is that, at 38 years old, he got a young woman pregnant and then left because he didn’t have the courage to face the consequences of his actions. Remus is the typical nice guy who acts all chill and friendly and understanding but, when it comes down to it, behaves like a jerk. He’s a Ted Mosby type.

Any other characterization, especially one that tries to make him sassy or badass, is an insult to anyone who has read the books because they’re literally inventing a new character and slapping his name on it. But that fandom does this all the time—they do it with all the characters. It doesn’t even surprise me anymore.

[the-kingshound]

The serious ask: I'm confused why up until Arthur became a gender select (something I don't really feel one way or another about as it's a toggle, and the characters don't read as "they were always meant to be this "canon" gender but I must pander to the queer masses" you know?), people called them "lesbian"? I get it's a joke, but it felt like...one rooted in mean-spiritedness?

Like hear me out. I understand the joke is basically "they love & respect women" but the rest of the joke is "and men don't". And yes, this could just be me, I'm the outsider that is stepping into an area I don't belong, yes I get that. But it feels like a double standard? For example, if I had a straight trans dude as a buddy, I wouldn't call him "lesbian" unless we were on a tight enough level to know 1000% it wouldn't cause him to feel shitty. So like why is it okay to call a straight dude lesbian? It keeps up the idea that men can't love/respect women or others without being called names. Like "what are you gay bro?" (fellas is it gay to love your wife?) "why are you being such a girl about it?" etc. And then they are expected to not do gay jokes, but are expected to take them?

Is there a problem with incels? yes. Do Boomers make a lot of "I hate my wife" jokes? yes. But maybe we should also stop making that seem normal by perpetuating that myth??? Stop with double-standards just because "Oh they have the privilege so I don't care about their feelings. They can get over it. They are the problem anyway." Is being called lesbian MEANT as an insult? No. But... Straight dudes have feelings, they have boundaries, they can feel uncomfortable when their gender/sexuality isn't acknowledged/made the butt end of a joke they didn't like too.

I also acknowledge that prior Arthur would be closer to enby than a cis-dude, and is as straight as a rainbow, but it still felt weird to me. Like a queer version of the homophobe's "two men can't love each other". And again it could just be me as the outsider feeling a bit too much (never heard that one before jk), but I do think we as a whole need to get better at talking about gender shit as equals, not as us vs them.

Whether or not you post this is up to you. I don't mean anything by it beyond "hey let's maybe welcome everyone? And not make them jokes?" cause honestly the world would be a better place if we never had gender roles or whatever. But this also may not be the space for it, but the weird-historical-phobia anon made me remember the weird dissonance I felt every time I popped in to see Arthur lauded as Queen of the Lesbians.

I shall show myself the door before people rally their pitchforks. I shall return to the other side and just steal IF updates through the crack again.

Hi! First of all, thank you for sending this in. I think the joke of Arthur being a lesbian was born a while ago, but if I remember correctly it was first born because I shared some reference for Arthur + anons sent this headcanons, and the specific clothing, glasses and soft look in general reminded people of a kind of lesbian aesthetic. From there, the joke expanded to Arthur having general lesbian vibes, but honestly, for my part at least, it was never meant as "Arthur treats women well and as such is a lesbian".

Arthur specifically is written, as you said, to be as straight as a rainbow, esplicitly busexual but also exploring their gender identity. They are cis (I mean, M!Arthur is) but they certainly do not abide by the more traditional masculine expectations in the game's setting (which are in some ways different than ours, still).

I agree with you on the way that some banter can come off as othering to people that are not in the queer community, or that aren't very familiar with it, and I know I have been guilty of it on the blog at times. However, I don't think the lesbian jokes about Arthur fall in this category, because there have never been comments about them being the special man who treats women differently, and because I hope he doesn't come off soley like that as a character (I do think the joke can be easily shifted to Arthur Queen of Gays: what would you think of that? Would you feel that was rooted in the same stereotypes too?)

At the end of the day, though, I am not a native english speaker too and I am relatively new to the queer community, so it's possible I may lose some meanings, and write some things in a way that is easy to misinterpret. In any case, you and everyone else are very welcome to the blog and the story, I hope this doesn't take away from it

[velvetvexations]

incredible, i just saw a reblog of that "transfem headcanons are always better and sometimes transmasc headcanons actively make the text worse and more hateful" by someone i followed. funny to see discussions arguing against the post before seeing the post itself, otherwise i would have unthinkingly internalized it and felt like shit without knowing why. anyway, i unfollowed that person now. to make it worse, op tore into someone for claiming that chihiro from danganronpa is an exception and better read as transmasc... the irony is insane. yet another example besides miquella that would make the story more boring and maybe worse if transfem.

it's so disgustingly petty lmao

a lot of transfem headcanons are reaches, often "this is literally a man magically trapped in the body of a woman and he hates it and desperately keeps trying to go back to being a man" and it's FINE to headcanon characters however you want but since some people can't conceptualize being a woman as anything other than something they wish would happen to them they take characters like that and hiss if you go near them

i get the sense that there's a very specific, narrow demographic of transfems who used to buy into that reddit guy "being a hot 22-year-old girl must be like having 10 billion dollars" attitude and never really let it go. thus the fixation on "AFAB privilege". isee a similar mix of resentment and attraction from lesbian TERFs, though it comes from a different origin. and it's an attitude that can slide easily into TERFism even for cis men--just look at tatsuya ishida!

If anything the idealization of femininity a small minority of transfems exhibit when they complain endlessly about how good trans people AFAB have it would come more from dysphoria and the grass being greener on the other side. "An AFAB trans person will immediately revert to being an innocent little girl to hurl sexual assault accusations at trans women," however, is really concerning!

Regarding whether "binary privilege" exists, i am once again on my hands and knees begging people to actually look at the statistics. The US Transgender Survey and Cohnting Ourselves (from Aotearoa) are right there. And they both show that all trans people are about as badly off as each other regardless of their specific gender. Yes, there are some ways in which being nonbinary is particularly hard, such as not having a social role to fit into, I'm not denying any of that, but if you're going to call being binary a "privilege" then there needs to be a visible whole-group effect for binary people compared to nonbinary people. And there isn't one when you look at the numbers.

It's not really about non-binary people having it flat worse, more just situational complexities.

The thing about even discussing privilege (binary privilege in this case) is that so many people talk as if to have privilege means to inherently have privilege Over someone else. Like is it an advantage for me to be vaguely binary alligned enough sometimes to have a legal gender marker that is moderately less dysphoria inducing when some people are equally harmed by either? (Tbf I live in a state where x is an option, I simply do not feel safe with that 😵‍💫 (tho that does not help when nothing else other than state id accepts it)) like yeah it's a privilege but it's not privilege Over someone. It does not make me an oppressor or mean I am causing harm, which is a thing many people seem to believe, about various forms of privilege

That's a very good point, anon.

I suppose this isn’t how others I’ve seen think about it but. I’ve always just understood that you can be oppressed for being trans without your gender being affirmed. Like. The bigots understand you’re trans but that doesn’t make them think of you as your gender it makes them think of you as trans. Misgendering is such a huge part of what transphobes do and I’ve never once assumed they were like. Lying about seeing trans people that way. I don’t get acting like transphobes can see our, as you put it, soul gender.

It makes people feel better.

[fancyfrogg]

i read that fic but i'm afraid i don't know enough about the silmarillion to really understand what's happening lol. i am very intrigued by what i could understand of maedhril's performance stuff + role as the perfectly dutiful girl though. if you wanted to explain some of the stuff the context behind her actions + your opinion/analysis of her as a character... i would not complain👀

He’s the eldest daughter, he’s repressing all his resentment and rage, he cannot be seen as weak, he’s in the sunk-cost fallacy, he has a complicated codependent relationship with a younger sibling, he even kills himself.

*explodes*

yeah this is a situation where the fic is made more impactful because of its unspoken contrast with canon events. So here’s the parts of the Silmarillion that are important to the story.

Maedhros is the the eldest son of the elven king* Feanor. Feanor and his seven sons swear an oath they will recover their father’s master work, three jewels called the Silmarils, from Satan, who stole them. Anybody who keeps a Silmaril from them is their foe.

Except Feanor dies almost immediately, leaving his sons to fulfill the oath and Maedhros to rule. (For a while at least)

As you might guess, the oath backfires spectacularly. No elf, man, or dwarf is safe. Highlights include them inciting a coup, kidnapping and force-marrying a princess, leaving children to die in the woods, massacring entire cities on three separate occasions… the works. All to recover the jewels from whoever was unlucky enough to come into possession of them. These are even more of a big deal since death, suffering, or war weren’t really a thing before they were stolen.

Over the course of the book, all the brothers are killed by the atrocities they commit trying to fulfill the oath. Except for Maedhros and the second-oldest, Maglor.

Eventually, the elves win the war against Satan. The gods chain him and kick him out into the void, and the elven armies take back the two remaining Silmarils. Maedhros and Maglor make a last ditch effort to steal them except when they do, sensing their evil deeds, the jewels burn them. Realizing that all they did was for nothing, Maedhros throws himself into a volcano and Maglor, now alone, wanders along the beach lamenting their deeds until the end of the world.

So what makes this genderbend (Roots Curled and Rotten) so interesting to me is that I headcanon Maedhros with some feminine character traits. Parenting his brothers, running damage control, repressing his resentment about this arrangment. In the fic, you can see a little bit of that in her early childhood with Maglor. But despite Maedhros being an actual woman now, the gender fuckery is going in the opposite direction. (Can’t please anybody in this damn house smh)

What makes this concept so delicious to me is how well this pressure for Maedhril to perform gender feeds into the pressures of her being heir and a sort of de-facto leader for their brothers. Can’t be heir unless boy, can’t be boy unless heir. And despite this pressure, Maedhril is terrified when it seems like Feanor might take away this privilege to not be a woman. I love to see her suffer <3

Later, I can certainly imagine scenarios in which fulfilling the oath and keeping her siblings alive is tied up in her ever present striving to be strong enough, to be masculine enough. You are not a person. You are an heir, a brother, a sister, a parent, a king, a lord. Your only duty to serve and protect other people. And if you aren’t living up to those standards then you are letting everyone down.

And the one thing. The one thing Maedhril keeps for herself is Maglor. Despite her parents wanting to keep Maglor safe at home. Despite Maedhril having the duty and authority to send her away.

“What have you done, their mother asks, with a prize you had so stubbornly fought for?”

“I was put on this earth, Maedhril thinks, looking down at her sister, to ruin beautiful things.”

Narratively speaking, these two sentences punish Maedhril for her selfish decision to stay close to Maglor. And this is the kind of despairing thoughts that might lead to a suicide like in canon.

Maglor is also a super interesting gender bend. I’m going to talk about him a little as well because their stories are so intertwined. In canon he had sworn the oath at the very beginning. And several dead brothers and massacres later begs Maedhros to stop, to give up the oath with him. But in the fic she swears the oath herself. Because it represents to her the freedom to love, protect, and stay close to her sister. And now nobody can take it away from her.

This part in particular drives me insane because in canon, Maedhros was the one pushing Maglor to hold to the oath. The only reason Maglor kept at it was for his brother. And yet Maedhros is the one that gives up first and kills himself, abandoning Maglor. *chews glass* But in the fic, she swore the oath by choice, for Maedhril, which would make the betrayal even worse. I didn’t think it was possible for Maglor to get any more tortured but apparently he can.

I love thinking about all the ramifications of this AU. Would there more challenges to Maedhril's authority because she’s a woman? With all the extra attention Feanor gave her, and all the effort she put into maintaining her position, could this change the canon decision to give up the crown?

@welcomingdisaster we are yapping about your work :)

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

By: Tom Slater

Published: Mar 27, 2025

Male privilege. Toxic masculinity. Smash the patriarchy. A thousand dumb slogans have shaped our debate about the respective lot of men and women for the past decade or more. But this past week, the agreed-upon narrative – that essentially nothing has changed since Victoria was on the throne; that women remain as stifled and disenfranchised as ever, while men continue to lord it over them – has begun to collide with reality.

While we were all arguing over Adolescence and Andrew Tate, a report compiled by the Centre for Social Justice (CSJ) has quietly laid waste to the prevailing orthodoxy. Lost Boys: State of the Nation makes brutally clear that a lot of young British men have very little privilege to check. Males lag behind females at every stage of education, from nursery to university – in higher education, women now outnumber men by three to two. That gender pay gap you’ve heard so much about? It’s now been reversed among the young, with women out-earning men. Young men are much more likely to be unemployed, too. To those who have been paying attention, none of this will come as a surprise. But rarely has it been spelled out in such compendious, stark and irrefutable detail.

Of course, a big part of the picture here is the history-making strides made by women in education and the workforce. If, as victim-feminists have so often told us, young women still have the deck stacked so mercilessly against them, young women certainly haven’t got the memo. But these emerging gaps aren’t just about historical wrongs being righted – a new equilibrium being reached. Going by the report, this shift has at least as much to do with men falling backwards as it does women pushing ahead. Since the pandemic, for one thing, the number of men aged 16 to 24 not in education, employment or training has increased by 40 per cent, compared with seven per cent for women.

The chattering classes have long struggled to compute such facts. It upsets the hierarchy of victimhood. It grates against the notion that men are only ever the oppressors, the beneficiaries of ‘structural sexism’. To talk about the challenges faced by young men and boys will often see you smeared as anti-women, or some crybaby men’s rights activist – desperate to insist that men are the real victims, thwarted by the girls. Wokeness, it seems, is a zero-sum game. You couldn’t possibly care about, say, the barriers to re-entering the workforce women experience after having children and the barriers many young men face to finding gainful employment at all.

This has always struck me as bizarre. Not least because many of the struggles many young men face today have little to do with their sex and everything to do with their social class. Indeed, when we talk about the issues confronting men and boys, we’re usually talking about working-class men and boys. Just as it is ridiculous to pretend that women in boardrooms and women in call centres share identical challenges and interests, so it is also ridiculous to suggest that the prospects of an unemployed 21-year-old lad, yet to break out from his council-estate boxroom, is intimately connected with those of a Russell Group Hooray Henry, slogging away at grad-scheme applications.

While young women are pulling ahead of young men even among university graduates, the so-called lost boys are really to be found among the poor and working class. Over recent decades, radical shifts in society and the economy have corroded many of the old certainties working-class men once relied upon. Manufacturing, agriculture and construction – industries that used to provide secure, decently paid jobs to young men who weren’t destined for, or couldn’t afford to go to, university – have withered on the vine. In 1970, the CSJ notes, these sectors collectively made up more than 40 per cent of UK GDP. By 2023, this stood at just 16 per cent. Fatherlessness has also exploded among lower-income groups. ‘One of the most stark inequalities in Britain’, Fraser Nelson notes, ‘is the unequal distribution of fathers: 95 per cent there for those at the top, 60 per cent absent for those at the bottom.’ And while this can be tragic for boys and girls alike, it is particularly perilous for boys growing up in neighbourhoods where trouble isn’t hard to come by. Indeed, a full three-quarters of children in custody report having an absent father.

Just as class explains many of these problems, it also explains the blindness to them. While the media and politics have become more superficially ‘diverse’ in recent years, working-class ‘representation’ – if we must use the r-word – has actually gone in the other direction. And so, those charged with discussing and addressing the issues confronting working-class people are more detached from them than in decades past, when a less thoroughly bourgeois Labour Party brought manual workers into parliament and local newspapers, long since disappeared, offered a trade to bright kids who lacked the connections and expensive educations that have now become all but obligatory in mediaworld.

This ‘crisis’ among men and boys, then, is another symptom of the neglect of the working classes. Of the indifference to the decay of blue-collar communities, and the industries that once sustained them. Of the total capture of almost every institution, even those explicitly founded to represent workers’ interests (I’m looking at you, Labour), by the metropolitan middle classes. As class politics has given way to identity politics, the lives of ordinary men – and women – have become ever more inscrutable to those in positions of power and influence. There’s a lesson in this, perhaps, for the few who might be lured by the mirror-image victimhood of the ‘manosphere’. Identitarianism – whether of the left-wing or right-wing variety – is forever a deadend.

--

At the Centre for Social Justice, we have always asked: what is really going on in our homes and communities, and where can we make a difference? We listen to those working on the frontline - the teachers, youth workers, charities, and parents who see, day in and day out, the struggles playing out in the lives of young people. And in recent years, they’ve been telling us the same thing: something is going on with our boys.

Lost Boys is our attempt to find out what that is.

What we have uncovered is stark. Boys are struggling in education, more likely to take their own lives, less likely to get into stable work, and far more likely to be caught up in crime. The numbers don’t lie - something has shifted, and we cannot ignore it any longer. It’s not just about Andrew Tate or online influencers; they are the symptoms, not the cause. The deeper truth is that too many boys are growing up without the guidance, discipline, and purpose they need to thrive.

But let me be clear - this is not a message of despair. Boys and young men have enormous potential. They always have, and they always will. We must stop seeing masculinity as a problem to be solved and start seeing it as a strength to be nurtured. Strength, resilience, responsibility - these are not traits to be suppressed but harnessed for good.

This report, Lost Boys, is not just an exploration of the challenges young men face but the beginning of a journey to offer a hopeful, positive vision for masculinity in Britain. We need strong fathers, mentors, and role models. We need a culture that values the unique contributions of men and supports boys to grow into good, responsible adults.

This is just the first step, but it’s an important one. It sets the scene for the next stage of our work where we will begin to offer solutions to the challenges outlined below.

We must be willing to listen, to act, and to restore hope for the next generation. Because when boys thrive, our whole society benefits.

==

The left - my left - used to be about workers and the lower class. Now they're about elites with the right identity markers, and large tech and media corporations which endorse the same view.

[in-depth-transsexualism]

I need some of y'all need to get real about the trans men/transmasc male privilege discussions. Because I was literally the “girl” with long hair wearing frilly outfits being told by people online and irl that I had male privilege.

The "trans men and transmascs all have unequivocal male privilege" is so fucked to me. You've essentially told a young me that I'm not really a "man" and not even a "trans man" because I haven't gotten on hormones and passed at all. Is that not it's core transphobic? I thought my own mere self identification was "valid?" What happened to trans men who are feminine are "valid?" Also the very things you expect me to do to "earn" my title, I didn't get any tips from the likes of y'all jumping to tell me about this so called "privilege" I have. When I looked up "trans men" in the search bar, you know what I saw? Not resources on how to afford HRT and where to find binders, but discussions of passing trans men and male privilege. No, I did not have "toxic masculinity" when I had long hair and wore dresses and told people that the "I hate men" and "kill all men" comments made me uncomfortable. I WAS A SCARED TRANS KID, I WAS A TRANS YOUTH. I see the "protect trans kids" t-shirt you wear. I was constantly told by people close to me that I was incredibly kindhearted, only to be told, suddenly told, after I came out I needed to be "a good man." That if I had an issue with that rhetoric I was toxic. I strive to be a good person, regardless of my identity, I always have, but suddenly now as a "trans man" I'm not doing enough. If I squint it looks no different to me than being told being trans is a sin from my own Church Priest. Because that's the only thing that's changed about me.

When I pass? It mostly happens in the dark or in a way when I'm read as a twelve year old effeminate boy. I had someone come up to my friend while we were talking in the dark telling her he "wish he could have me." Within the years I've been out, I've been raped, explicitly because of my gender identity, dealt constantly with "jokes" about hurting me and lots of other shit.

What are you doing about those issues?

Some of y'all need to get so real. Get uncomfortable with cisgender privilege, get uncomfortable acknowledging there are people in your community who are less fortunate than you. And as a disclaimer, I'm not saying these conversations about passing and male privilege aren't worth having. I'm saying they both A, require more nuance, and B as a participant, you need to think about why you're having them. I think they're a shield for some of you to avoid facing something. Maybe it's the non-passing trans men that make you uncomfortable because of your internalized transphobia, maybe it's cisgender privilege, I don't know.

[brothermoth]

on trans men

I think there's a huge uptick in transphobia (I shan't use the no no word because this isn't about that, but I will use the tag for traction) towards trans men. It is NOT from any one group in particular, but I think the queer community especially needs to reckon with this alongside discussions of transfeminism and the overall social reckoning with trans people as a whole. We're a hot topic right now and facing so much fucking nonsense.

I think y'all need to hear from a person. We're all people, I think we forget sometimes.

I'm 5'1, I've got uncomfortably big tits. I look like a 13 year old closeted gay boy if you squint your eyes a bit. I do not pass, except maybe to old people once in a while who think I'm a child. In my personal life I do not discuss my gender identity. I'm not out to a single family member and I pushed my mom far enough by getting my hair cut short and buying men's clothes—so I will not be pushing further until I'm out of the house. I wouldn't necessarily be unsafe, but it would ruin every single (already deeply awkward) relationship with every person in my family. I think the stress would finally do me in, and I literally just stopped being suicidal like eight months ago when I started college.

I don't feel like a person, just someone in a state of waiting like I've been in a cocoon my whole life with no end in sight. Starting college was a chance for me to peek out a bit and start to explore something I really couldn't before. For the first time I could actually start to say I'm transmasc.

Hearing someone who I already felt disliked me say "ugh I hate men" spiked my anxiety through the damn roof. I need y'all to understand what that feels like to a trans man, especially one just starting to step out of the closet. I have C-PTSD and severe trust issues to boot, and now I have to decide whether we just don't click as people or if she (a queer woman) just doesn't like me because I'm masc. I've had it happen, it's not an unfounded anxiety spiral.

It's not actively oppressing me for her to say that, but it still hurts. You don't THINK about who you are hurting. It's not Kyle with his MAGA hat and Ford F-150. It's the closeted trans guy who is now deeply wary of you and also overanalyzing everything he does to avoid making you uncomfortable.

I might be taking this discourse a bit personally. I'm aware, despite my brain being a soup of mental illness. It's just strangers on the internet after all, but it does bleed into my own personal life and it's fucking heartbreaking. It really is.

I think some of you forgot that trans men are people. I think some of you have stripped us of our humanity and our lives and the things that we struggle with every day. I'll call it what it is: it's fucking transphobia.

You do not get to enable or enact transphobia on trans men in the name of feminism. We're your fucking allies. Abortion bans and transphobic legislature and abuse in relationships and ostracisation from society and family. We're not a monolithic group of bearded Abercrombie models (not to shame those who are, y'all are great), in fact I think it's fair to say that most trans men are seen as women. A lot of us don't correct people when they assume. To everyone but myself I'm a smartass autistic girl. I have more in common with the incredible Jennifer Coates in her article "I am a trans woman. I am in the closet. I am not coming out" than I do with a cis man.

And I'm sorry but there's very few trans men with ANY social privilege to oppress anyone. To pretend otherwise is to be ignorant of our lives, our history, and us as people who are often in the same situations as trans women. We're seen as women who are "trying to be men" trying to achieve something that even cis men can't get right. We're "dykes" we're "trannies" we're sex perverts and sex workers and faggots and failed daughters who will never do anything right. Budget lesbians, little girls. Cis womanhood and masculinity are things that no trans person can ever achieve. Don't be foolish enough to pretend otherwise.

Trans women you are my allies. My transfem friends are in the same situation as me. Afraid to come out, stuck being yourself only in certain places and struggling with our own cages of oppression.

Lesbians you are my allies. Especially you, butch lesbians. Never good enough, never perfect enough, never what your parents wanted and always questioned about the way you dress or do your hair.

We're not as different as we often think.

Building community and solidarity means listening and understanding sharing experiences that are often so similar.

Communism=community I don't know why SO MANY Marx stans refuse to understand that his views rely on understanding and cooperation between working class people (which is also why I think communism is deeply flawed....i think daddy Karl had a bit too much faith in humanity, but that's another issue)

Separatism is death. I am not kidding. You know what emperor penguins do when Arctic winters get to sub zero temperatures? They huddle together and take turns bearing the brunt of the wind.

Don't fucking buy into separatist bullshit. Find fucking common ground with your allies, talk it through like adults instead of resorting to name calling and hatred.

Any activism worth it's salt must come from a place of love rather than hate. Vitriol solves nothing and y'all are tearing us all apart.