#from a book i'll never write

[averageheartbrokenplayboy2]

Often times I find my self searching for the right thing to say that’ll make everything okay.

But I think those words ran and hid, just like I did when I was a kid. Deprived of love and comfort while surrounded by pain and aggression. I can’t help but wonder what my life would be like without this cloudy perception.

a.e

[meetmeinbrooklyn]

It hurts to think about you. Because my head screams “run” but my heart whispers “home”.

[empty-meanings]

some days you will feel completely and utterly alone, annoying, and unlovable. as if the entire universe is conspiring against you.

then some days your friend will gift you a souvenir from their trip to argentina, and it’ll smell like oranges. the weather that week will be beautiful. and the world won’t feel nearly as heavy.

— i promise you, you are never unlovable.

[timeandneverendingtrails]

I knew him for what felt like forever. Sadly I was the one who fell in love with a boy- as he became a man. I had opened myself up to him, let him in, believed him when he said he loved me. I then watched him disappear. We haven't spoken in years, but I’ll always have the hope that maybe one day we’ll talk again. I hope that, maybe we happened in another world. I felt that we could’ve had a love that set the world on fire. Oh what a shame that would be if it was lost.

//C.A.T. // lost journal entries from 2015

[ursxc11]

The End Looks Different Without You

The way you left,

Showed me I didn't mean anything to you at all.

I don’t have to wonder why you didn't look back, 

and I’ll probably never get to say this to you...

 “ I did try my best  “ 

- ursxc11

[showmylovefor-you]

my mother is great and strong i wish she would understand that i could never be like her i can never be a woman this coming from a boy who was trapped in a girl's body once for 9 months from a boy who will only live once

it's been 10 hours since 14:30 that means it's been 10 hours since the end of the world so i write this to you from the end of the world from the end of the world to the beginning of everything i send Love, Peace and Prosperity It isn't bad here it only is. there's nothing to do. so i have decided to spend my eternity producing sentences that can reach the people at the beginning of everything but what is a sentence but a prison so it is safe to say i have decided to spend my eternity trying to imprison you you can see it written everywhere in our grammar nouns become verbs and verbs become nouns in a never ending cycle of life and death which some would like to call grammar "To be is to do and to become is to have done" but that can only be measured by people like you and i. the first time the sun rises you will turn 5 that means for the first time you will realise that the sun and your shadow follows you around and one day you will ask around. "Why do i have a shadow? and Why do i have a sun?" but you will soon realise that such questions are not allowed at the end of the world the production of perfect sentences is simply frowned upon no one here would like to break free so you will come to me…… but as you come you have to remember that i am just a word. that man himself is just a word. subject to grammatical error trapped in a sentence trying to break free. but still living in a country still a mere citizen. and what is a country but a paragraph. to be unique is to die a tragedy and to live as a mistake to be different is to subtract yourself from a paragraph (paragraph - yourself) = different and to become is to move towards death to live is to move towards death (death being the essence of life) therefore to live is to be different you have to realise that it was hard to love your brother but before it ended i finally did the light coming off his skin was not reflected in the country you love it was only when he opened his eyes to look at his skin that he realised that he was not a citizen he couldn't tell anyone he loved himself too much to be slaughtered by the hands of citizens and what is to love but to hold a sentence together only those who can produces sentences freely can hold sentences together at the end of the world no one produces their own sentences let alone write them down here it's only copy and paste handwrittings reduced to mere fonts "times new roman" a sentence that i hold together is that the best thing to do with empty hands? i wonder as different moons pass me by our mother said to me once: "The only thing one can do with empty hands is to hold on" but this is the end of the world….. hold on to what? the streets are painted with the blood of infantile suicides. but your brother found a sentence once, "A father is nothing but a dying son" and "A mother is nothing but a girl who succeeded" and he held those two sentences together the way a skeleton holds a skin the way a skin holds a soul the way a soul holds a word and a son or a boy? and a girl or a daughter? those are just words not ideas don't worry about them not all sentences managed to trap ideas some sentences failed like , "Love your neighbour as you love yourself" or "i promise to speak the truth" or "i will love you forever" or "it get's better with time" they thought they could hold time in a sentence so as you walk carry a life sentence in your right hand as a testament to your existence and a knife in your left symbolising the sentences you are yet to write a boy is a gun, a girl is a bullet, a country is a paragraph and TO LIVE is to witness a WORD wither away

on the days you will feel as though you have no influence realise that it will pass… let it pass… let it pass through you only you will remain afterwards

[sprytly]

clvii.

why, why do I try when it's as though the more I try the harder I fall ...

I do it all for her; that little girl that was frightened, lonely, had no one and nothing

I do it because she needed hugs and kisses, not hit or misses

I go through all of this for her, that little girl who used to be me

because she deserved better.

[lilliesand-valleys]

[leavemeslowly]

[meetmeinbrooklyn]

“Describe her to me.”

I looked out the window and smiled, “Times Square at midnight.”

[empty-meanings]

i shouldn’t be this sad this young

[ursxc11]

The Wall I Couldn't See

There’s a wall of pictures and words.

It’s all scrambled

Can’t quite make it out.

I’m scared to get closer.

Sometimes someone reads them out loud,

Sometimes they describe whats in the pictures, 

I’ll never be able to see them.

No matter how close I stand,

How many tools I use,

I’ll always have that wall in front of me.

Sometimes I close my eyes too try and rest,

The ideas of how they look run fast through my dreams. 

Sometimes I look away,

Then someone turns my head back trying to show me the wall saying “look do you see?.”

Sometimes I wanna scream for someone to take me away so I never have to wonder about the pictures again.

So I can create my own wall of pictures. 

Sometimes I want to smash the glass,

Rip down the words but someone always tells me I can't.

Someone tells me they're important. 

They leave me with the wall, 

Alone.

I’m left with a wall of pictures and words put up by others.

Everyone seems to be able to see them,

I hear all the descriptions all the narrations of the words.

Who do you believe? 

When you cant see it for yourself.

Who will tell you what's real when they know you can’t see it. 

No one can make a wall move.

No one can rip the pictures down.

No one can erase the words.

So what do you do?

Breathe,

Take another deep breathe

Put up your own words

Write them bigger brighter

Than anyone else

Hang the pictures you want to see everyday and focus them into view

Stop.

Look at it now,

Tell the pictures and words 

That you can’t see or hear 

SCREAM

You aren’t mine to see

You aren’t mine to hear

You aren’t me

I’am me

I chose what I hear

I chose what I see.

- ursxc11

[writingthethoughtsaway]

“I believed you even when I knew you were lying.”

- S. C. C.

[lilliesand-valleys]

[letterstokami]

[ch4isutta]

i have brought dvds, classics that we wanted to watch together. alas ! i will watch them myself, those books still occupy the front of my bookshelf, your smile flashes between those pages, everytime i read them. i listen to our playlist with my heart, as if its saying “we had our good days, and they shall always be there in my memory.” nights like these, i question, ‘what love is?’ and i have a bunch of answers that my brain suggests, maybe you’re right, we don’t know until we feel it.