#friend: why don't you just leave? me: at 3 am?
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I was wondering: what do you imagine Robin's childhood was like? Did feh change that in any way?
Oooh what an interesting question! Admittedly, I haven't thought about this in extensive detail, but I do definitely have Some Thoughts™️.
So, we obviously don't get much to go off in canon. Validar says that Robin's mother was "seized by weakness and fear" and that "she betrayed us—stole you from your crib, and fled with you in the night!" and then adds that he knows "naught of [Robin's] life thereafter". Presumably the 'us' there is referring to the Grimleal…and if she betrayed them as a collective group she must have been a part of said group previously. The fact that Validar says she stole Robin from their crib also implies that she ran away with them sometime between birth and age 3-ish.
If she was trying to get away from the Grimleal, I assume she would have wanted to leave Plegia if at all possible. We know that the last war between Ylisse and Plegia ended about 15 years before the start of the game, though. So if we assume Robin is about the same age as Chrom (19) then that would have put Robin around four years of age when the war ended. So either Robin's mom was trying to make do in Plegia for a while, or they potentially hid out in Ferox for a time. When it comes to my personal writing, I admittedly like to play with those timelines a bit, but that's my best guess for how things went down in game.
Either way, I assume they probably lived an extremely nomadic life style. They couldn't risk being found, which means they also couldn't really risk putting down roots or settling in one place long term. I imagine Robin was probably very lonely growing up, as all that moving around and having to lay low would mean they didn't have much of a chance to make friendships with other children. Presumably the trend continued into their adult life too given that no one in the story (aside from Validar) ever recognizes Robin or remembers them from prior to when they met Chrom. If that's something that was so lacking in their life previously, I think it makes the game's messages about the importance of the connections we choose all the more meaningful. Also I am just really partial to the idea of Robin being touch starved prior to meeting the Shepherds and Chrom's subsequent touchiness and familiarity with them taking them completely by surprise as a result haha
Honestly I suspect a lot of that is why they came to love books so much too. The books were an escape to other worlds but they would have been a small slice of stability as well, since a story is the same every time you read it. They may not have had friends in real life, but the characters in their books would have always been there for them between the pages. I imagine Robin got very good at amusing themself too and probably had a very rich imagination growing up. The fact that they traveled to so many different places may also have played into them developing their strong sense of curiosity.
I'm sort of undecided on what point in Robin's life I imagine that they lost their mother / how exactly they lost her. That's one of the things that's always really interesting to see other fan's interpretations of, as there are a variety of interesting possibilities there. Either way, given that Robin's inability to have made many connections outside of their mother, I imagine they took it incredibly hard.
As far as if FEH impacted my interpretations in any way, I would say it didn't really change them, but that it did fill in some details for me! Robin's coat being visibly too big for them strongly implies it was a hand-me-down from their mother for one thing (which I'd sort of assumed before but never had direct confirmation of). I'd also been very curious just how much Robin understood about who they were on the run from / why they were hiding, so hearing that their mother cautioned them to keep their hand hidden and that they do seem to have some sense of that being the source of their power as well as 'an evil omen of an unlucky fate' was very interesting as well.
That's everything that comes to mind at the moment! ASfhsdf I like that I started by saying I haven't thought about it in extensive detail and then proceeded to type all of this up...But honestly, writing all my thoughts out wound up being super helpful for organizing them. It also has my chrobin brain-cell vibrating at high speed going into the weekend, so you have my gratitude, anon! Thank you for giving me such a prime opportunity to talk about one of my favs <3
#Anonymous#Asks#Robin fire emblem#headcanons#I guess really it's more like a mishmash of headcanon and meta but#I don't have a tag for that so headcanon it is#Robin
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I will forever be confused about how I'M the weirdo just for being, but others that harrass me and others like me are the "good" and "Normal" ones?
Little rant i guess(?)
I've had people howl and laugh at me, while i was waiting for the bus, or even just walk past them, because i visibly show i'm Alterhuman.
I've had a situation a few weeks ago where i was going for a walk before it got dark. I sat down on a bench on a hill to watch the sunset (it was one of those long ones that go around a small tree) before i sat down i noticed a guy coming my way, at first i thought it was a guy i knew from a year ago that i considered a friend but he turned out to be awful (anyway)
I wasn't sure so i sat on a spot on the bench so if it really was him he wouldn't recognize me.I looked at the sunset for a short while until i could hear his footsteps, he then just stopped midway. I was sure it was the guy i knew so i prepared to have to say hello (lol)
You know that feeling when you just KNOW someone is staring at you despite not seeing them?? Yes, that.
I looked back at him for a moment to see who it was, it was not that guy i knew. Which honestly makes the situation even weirder because now i could also see that he WAS looking at me. I turned around again and looked at my phone and pretend i was texting someone, when i could hear that he was coming closer 💀🙏
For a second i thought he just wanted to watch the sunset too and that it was just an unfortunate situation that we both looked at eachother at the same time. He didn't sit down tho, he just stood there, quite close to me.
I thought, ok, maybe i'm just paranoid, but i swear bro came closer like every second.
Which he did. At one point he was so close that i could hear him mumble to himself and breathe. I didn't wanna move tho, i wanted to see the sunset.
I turned around again at one point and he was STILL staring, and guess what he was staring at, the tail i had on. He ended up sitting right next to me despite there being enough space and just stared. He just had that creepy af vibe. (Little reminder that we were pretty much alone and i was like 3 times shorter than him, i was genuinely afraid atp)
I ended up leaving and when i looked back i saw that he also left. Maybe it really WAS just my paranoia and anxiety, but it's so obvious he acted that way because my fit was "weird"
And that's exactly where my point starts, I would still be considered the weirdo in this situation. Despite just chilling and watching the sun I'M the freak, not the guy who actually bothered and scared someone to the point they had to leave, all because they are visibly different.
If anything, people would excuse behaviour like his.
Don't get me wrong, i understand that by going out like that i will get attention, both negative and positive. And in itself i'm ok with that, it's something that's annoying but ok yeah it happens. But i will never understand why people don't just ask, i will never understand why people end up ruining my mood just because i'm walking down a street.
But despite all of this i'll never hide who and what i am
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#roommate is such a bitch. i can't even.#12 hr straight phone calls loud enough that i can hear them through loud music#no consideration that the three other people who live with her might not enjoy this#friend: why don't you just leave? me: at 3 am?#i'm so fucking sick of this. i can't believe i've lasted a year without committing a felony#and i'll need to room with some other disaster next year cause i can't get a single#i love college but god i wish i didn't live here
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Scenario where Mashita and Yashiki were basically flirting, and one of the kids says "Oh, they're dating" to another one and it somehow circulates back to Yashiki and he's stressing about it because they haven't truly talked about what they are, and he's scared the mark bearers will hate them for being gay bc time era.
Mashita hears about it after a couple days of Yashiki angsting and goes to comfort him and they talk it out. Mark bearers are supportive obv. and yay happy ending
Am I projecting the definitely-non-issue I'm having right now? Absolutely not.
#death mark#kazuo yashiki#yashiki kazuo#satoru mashita#mashita satoru#yashita#spirit hunter#I've cried probably 3 hours total today#Same scenario basically but it's worse because my co worker and I are the ones flirting#My friend said something to our coworker who can't keep his mouth shut#And a different coworker texted me asking “What am I hearing about you two dating”#And it can go so so bad so quickly and I'm terrified#Our store manager might get wind of it and I'm scared he'll want me to leave or transfer me to a different store#or worse that the person I've been flirting with will hate me for this#And I just told him what my friend told our coworker and am waiting on his reply#And I just need an outlet right now#Why can't relationships be easy#A top that it's like the first time I've actually liked someone#And I don't want it to be ruined like this#Not me airing out all my drama into tumblr tags#But there's no one I want to talk to about it that I know irl right now#So sorry about that#I'll stop tagging#Hopefully shit gets resolved and I can brain rot again
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Hooray... it's 7 in the morning and I stayed up all night listening to the imperium... I feel so happy and satisfied with my life choices...
I am feeling very much not cowabunga, dude
[SEVERE rambling in tags]
#ouww it hurts!! it hurts!!! this is the stuff you're supposed to leave for angst fic writers not make canon in an alt universe?? ERIK PLEASE#i hate the whole entire world right now. genuinely cannot speak to anyone normally for the next 3-4 business days.#I have no one irl to rant to about this FUCK im stranded. im quarantined. im being held against my will free meee#The irl friend i have who knows anything at all about redacted only knows freelancer s1 i cannot drop this bigass plot on them#Genuinely i might start going mad out of repression. Erik writing “hope you enjoy” in the desc as if that wasnt the most painfully torturou#experience I've ever had in my life. The fucking inevitability. I knew Echo was going to pull some shit. IM JUST GLAD VIN AND FL ARE OK#they were NOT the turning point just let them live their cabin in the woods fantasy for however long they can okay...#Also I kinda love imp!vega. not the biggest fan of prime bc of the whole child beating situation but i sure loved this guy.#really knew what he was talking about when it came to revolutions and stuff. Like he's good. no disrespect to avior but vega did good#and he was so gentle with his partner which i find more appealing than torture but that's just me. that's just me i get it#And uh. speaking of that. Imp!sam. Yeah i get why some of yall are goin wild over him and i wish i could say i shared the sentiment but hes#too scary im weak like that. when i know a bastard would simply kill me without a care im just not into that yknow? or maybe you dont#Glad we got twisted gay damihux at the end though MUAHAJAJA that's one of the only redeeming lights that kept me alive#FUCKKKK SHIT FU K SJIT DAM ASHERS ENTIRE SCENE WITH BRACJIUM GOD HELP ME. ID DIE FOR THAT MAN#he's so fucking sad!!! he just wants his husband back!!! HE WANTS HIS FAMILY BACK!!!!!!#No even I don't understand how it's possible to get this attached to characters. I don't know. Im in deep shit.#Is this the end for me? Is my life over? These are the questions I have today. I probably just need to sleep because again#it's 7:30 in the morning. but regardless. These characters mean so much to me and this silly anthology has pulled emotions out of#me that i am terrified of feeling [survivors guilt hits me right in the fucking heart] and im scared. of what? don't know#That little shit Echo was right about one thing. It may not be real but the emotional damage it caused me is real. AND IRREPARABLE#redacted audio#redacted asmr#redacted imperium#redacted imp!asher#redacted echo#redacted imp!vega#redacted imp!sam#redacted vindemiator#tired of tagging. hitting the pillow. good night.
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woohoo spiraling out of control right now (what else is new really I've been fucked up and spiraling for weeks now) and trying to figure out reasons not to delete my tumblr and discord and myself along the way
but you know. talking about myself on my blog automatically means I'm attention seeking and fishing for pity right? should just shut up and stick to the news eh, it's all I'm good for :D
anyway if you need me I'll be in the corner reliving the past, coming to terms with reality, and trying to convince myself I'm not the problem despite every indication to the contrary ✌︎︎
#sterechats :)#09:58 pm - this is a bad idea but scheduling it anyway#what's the worst that can happen really? everyone leaves again? nobody talks to me again?#probably gonna delete this in the morning so. meh. not like it matters not like I matter :D#10:29 pm - wow it feels like my head is on fire#like my brain is actually burning and I can't do a damn thing about it#I should be happy right now! the devils are winning! my favorite guys are scoring!#but no! I'm barely keeping it together around my family and praying I don't wake up tomorrow <3#11:00 pm - I need to get out of here#I need to get out of here out of here out of here I can't stay here any more this is killing me#everyone hates me and I need to chew my arms open maybe then everything will make sense#why am I even writing these tags what does it matter#I was so much more in control of myself when I was sh-ing#maybe I should get back to that maybe it'll help I don't know anymore#I just want my friends back but they hate me hahahaha#11:24 pm - wonder how many people are gonna block me after this one#how many people will finally be fed up and leave for good#everyone leaves and I should be used to this by now#here's a truck stop instead of saint peter's (yeah yeah yeah yeah)#11:41 pm - it's friday afternoon/there goes antigone to be buried alive#in the next world I want to be something useful/like a staple gun/or in love#I would fall off a cliff for you/a thousand times and call it a good day#maybe I'm just incapable of being human! maybe that's it!#maybe I'm not even human at all... but something worse instead...#1:22 am - moving the posting of this back from 3 to 6 am#not that that matters and not that I matter but I don't think I'll sleep#and I don't want this to post when I'm awake#I know I'm just going to get unfollowed and blocked and left behind as always#because happiness and good things and friendships just aren't things I get to have really#I just wish people would stop lying and telling me they're different and they'll stay when they're not different and won't stay
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hi I like yelling silly little life updates into the silly little void so here we go
I'm leaving for my internship thing on Monday (slay) and my last three weeks have consisted of 1. Finals (best semester since i started college thank u curves and nice teachers for boosting me), 2. Socializing, 3. Medical appointments (my eyes have gotten worse but I'm good otherwise) and 4. Prepping for my trip
And. This past week. I have had a cold, of all things, which is not good timing because I'm trying to finalize and get stuff done and was not understanding why I couldn't focus AND I was on my period but now it's a bit better I have entered the "expelling fluids" phase where I feel fine but the symptoms persist. Chilling.
So trip prep has included setting up my new laptop because the other broke during finals week, the keyboard started malfunctioning and the repair date was past when I would leave so new laptop ended up being the only option (which is nice) but I have to manually set up all my bookmarks still because I forgot my Firefox sync password and that will take a couple hours probably (last I went through and organized them it took a whole day)
And then excessive amounts of laundry that are still not done, realizing I lack more than 1 field work outfit and having to go to REI too many times to finish the pack list. Although a closet clean out was done and I'm satisfied with where the personal style development is headed I like my clothes.
But that's done so now I just have to. Pack.
And then my travel request for a conference got approved (!!) When it was expected to take until like, July so now I'm trying to finalize and coordinate stuff earlier than expected! But that is welcome that is good.
And I also got accepted to Job B which doesn't actually pay but is very few hours so I'm doing the tutoring and the mentoring both and hopefully not going insane! Might drip volunteering if I need to which reminds me I need to email them! okay!
#mems yells#this is very mundane stuff I have had going on but I have done a lot of things I've thought about doing lately#so that is good#this is not written to be engaging it is nearly 2 am#if nothing else I have managed to avoid excessive nose/lip dryness from the cold this time around it really wasn't that bad#which is why it took me a while to even realize#I'm just bummed I don't think I'll be able to try the rangefinder that finally came in for my fall research before I leave#because I am tired and have many things to do still#“Pack” “laundry” yes and those combined are like an all day thing#two whole months and I need some character for my dorm room thank you#and conference attire and birthday vibe fits#I am trying to go out on the weekends!! I might not decide to but I need to look hot when I do <3#and I habitually change several times a day sometimes#if I'm not vibing with the fit my mood is off#And I'm not having that this summer#The objectives are: career/academic development / new friends / make out with at least one person / be hit on / eat good food / go dancing#I will be outside for the internship and I am looking to develop some muscles and some sun exposure and a short-lived social network#I have set up the rest of my year in the last couple weeks mentally shaking my own hand
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If Civil War didn't end in divorce and everyone lived together Part 2
Read Part 1 and Part 3
Tony: Why is Underoos mopping the ceiling?
Sam: Told him since he's sticky that's his chore
Bucky: It's only fair he helps out around the house
Tony: Hm. Makes sense
-
Vision cooked dinner:
Peter: *pushing around food to make it look eaten*
Natasha: *surreptitiously spitting into napkin*
Steve: *taking small bites with tons of water*
Bucky: *just stares at full plate*
Tony: Well this is disgusting, I'm ordering pizza
-
Sam: C'mon man stop moping around, you gotta get yourself a girl
Bucky: Ok.
Sam: Ok? Okayyyyy! I know-
Bucky: Give me your phone
Sam: Oh you got a number in mind already hotshot? *hands phone over*
Bucky: *ring* Hi Sarah ;)
Sam: BOY-
-
Peter: Ned thought you would seperate your colours from your lights but he also thought you'd be homophobic so I don't pay him much mind cuz clearly I'm more of a superhero expert than him but he does have a 2% better average than me in history so like maybe you do hand wash your clothes and that's why I asked what underwear you wear because-
Steve: *listening intently with apprehension and alarm*
Natasha: I can't believe you found the one person on Earth who talks more nonsense than you
Tony: I know right, it's incredibly unnerving. I'm planning on adopting him
-
Peter: Mr. Stark I have to tell you something. I think Vision is a... *whispers* pervert
Tony: Um, why?
Peter: He keeps floating through my room without knocking! He saw me changing, he saw my nipples !
Tony: Well if anyone's a predator here it would be you. I mean showing your nipples to a 2 year old? Deplorable.
Peter:
Peter: Oh god, I'm the pervert...
-
Bucky: Y'know animosity isn't good between teammates. I think we should spend more time together
Sam: Am I being punked right now? Where's the camera
Bucky: I'm serious. I think it would be healthy for us to bond
Sam: Okay fine I'll bite... what did you have in mind
Bucky: Wanna go for a run?
Sam: *slams door in Bucky's face*
-
*staring at Bucky's sparkly clean metal arm*
Bucky: Dishwasher?
Peter: Dishwasher :)
(later that day)
Bucky: I've decided to let the child live
Peter: YoU wHaT?!
-
Thwip
Tony: Who took my coffee cup, It was right here
Thwip
Bruce: Um, has someone seen my book? I just had it
Thwip
Steve: I could've sworn I was holding a pen a moment ago
*giggling from the ceiling*
Tony: Young man I will take those webshooters away if you use them for shenanigans and rascality
Peter, muffled: Mr. Hawkeye told me to!
Clint: Oh so you're just gonna rat me out like that?
Peter: Sor- OOF
*falls out of ceiling vent*
-
Sam: You're in my spot
Bucky: There are no spots, it's a common area
Sam: Well that's my spot
Bucky: Did you buy the chair??
Sam: No, but everyone knows that's where I sit. Right Steve?
Steve: Oops I forgot something in my car, be right back *leaves*
Sam: Still my spot
Bucky: Still not
Sam: *sits on him*
Bucky: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ALL THE COUCHES ARE FREE-
Sam: IT'S MY SPOT YOU CAN'T TAKE A MAN'S FAVOURITE CHAIR-
BUCKY: YOU HAVE ISSUES GET OFF ME-
(one hour later)
Steve: Hey so turns out I don't have a car! Isn't that funn...
Sam & Bucky: *Squeezed awkwardly on the chair together*
Steve: I think I left something in my car
-
Steve: Leave the bedroom door open when you have Vision in there
Wanda: UGH you're so protective
Tony: Teenagers, am I right? Caught Pete reassembling my particle accelerator at midnight because he needed to neutralize a miniature nuclear bomb he nabbed off some guy he neglected to tell me was trying to kill him
Steve:
Steve: Wanda y'know what do whatever you want
Wanda: Really?
Steve: Yes just keep being normal. At least I can read about our issues in a parenting book
-
Thor: Ah, new warriors I see! Good to make all your acquaintance. But why are you so grumpy my friend?
Bucky: *glaring*
Peter: He's always like that. It's um, P- P- PMS? Wait -
Natasha: Yes it's PMS
Wanda: He's got it bad
Steve: *genuinely concerned* Bucky you didn't tell me something was wrong. What can I do to help?
Bucky:
Bucky: I like chocolate
-
Wanda: Welcome to the first annual girls night! This place reeks of men, so I thought we needed some women time
Pepper: Why is Vision here?
Wanda: I get sad when he's gone
Natasha: Why is Pietro here?
Pietro: Slay queens
Wanda: Moral support I think
Maria: Why is Peter here?
Wanda: He looked really upset when I said he wasn't included and I felt bad
Wanda: Anyways... yay girls! Who wants me to paint their nails?
Peter: ME ME ME
-
Steve: Pancakes or waffles?
Natasha: Pancakes
Steve: Good because I don't have a waffle maker
Natasha: Then why would you ask-
Steve: It's important for your voice to be heard, as team leader I value your opinion
*2 minutes later*
Steve: Good morning Clint, pancakes or waffles?
Clint: Waffles
Steve: Oh no.
-
Some of these were based on requests (ex. more Sam & Bucky, dad Steve w/ Wanda) so if you have certain dynamics you enjoy let me know !
#irondad and spiderson#marvel incorrect quotes#marvel mcu#mcu#incorrect marvel#incorrect quotes#incorrect marvel quotes#avengers#domestic avengers#the avengers#irondad#peter parker#tony stark#steve rogers#bucky barnes#sam wilson#sambucky#natasha romanoff#wanda maximoff#clint barton#pietro maximoff#thor odinson#bruce banner#marvel#vision
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bruh i was talking to my friends about our types in guys and i said "i like boyfailures, absolute losers" and rambled about how they were just so cute and I'd be going 'yeah that's cool babe, tell me more about your pokemon and dinosaurs☺️' but then later on in the dsy i realised bro what if i AM the loser and someone thought of me like that 😵 therefore i give you yandere! golden boy x loser! reader
basically you're a loser who doesn't think they're a loser. you're the type of loser who talks a lot of shit online about how 𝖘𝖎𝖌𝖒𝖆 and hot you are when in reality you can't order a meal without hyping yourself up for 5 minutes beforehand.
you'd be pretending you're hot and mysterious but the second someone indicates the SMALLEST hint of anything you're interested in, you go on full on rambles and rants. then you snap back to reality and realize that hey! you don't even know this stranger! and just... walk away.
you're the type of person to go to the doctor with your mommy because you're scared to talk to doctors yourself and you'll look at her when the doctor asks any question, expecing her to answer for you. 'so what's your name? looks at mother' ahhh reaction.
yeah. basically, a loser. with hyperfixations on anime/game characters that you consume millions of content of. you probably sleep with plushies too and read fanfiction before sleeping. or you're doomscrolling reddit/tiktok/some form of social media and sleeping at 3 in the morning.
enter, him.
the golden boy. the perfect boy with perfect grades and a perfect body and- basically everything. he does like 3 sports, speaks 5 languages, everyone loves him, he graduated from an ivy league or an ivy league equivalent, and he's going to inherit his father's company! rich, tall, handsome. he has everything set out for him. cool beans.
anyway!
you don't know how, and you don't know why, but this man is now in love with you. you... probably met him while working your minimum wage job at some fast food restaurant.
"hi, i think you're really cute. would you like to go out on a date with me?"
"h-huh? erm..."
yeah, you don't know how to react so you just malfunctioned briefly before taking another customer's order. but he wouldn't let up. not at all, because he'd find your socials and have HOURS of conversation with you, on total accident, of course! no dirty work involved. totally. just pure coincidence, just like god or whatever is above intended!
"heh, must be my aura that allowed me to get that limited edition skin... what do you think, best friend?"
"yeah, this is the one guys. I'm marrying them."
"what did you say, best friend?"
"oh, nothing at all ☺️ go on with your rant, sweetie."
by some stroke of luck, definitely not him pulling some strings, you get a job offer that somehow is related to- wow, what do you know! his company! so you leave your boring 9-5 job and sign the contract. what a nice friend he is!
"here, just sign down on the line and you'll be able to start working right away."
"wow this contract is really long, best friend."
"haha... right, I'm definitely just a best friend..."
a contract that definitely does NOT bind you to him. yeah, no, definitely not. nuh uh. what? you're trying to read the fine print? there's no need for that! it's all just boring stuff...
yeah, definitely no conditions that will allow him to legally keep you trapped with him... and should you ever try to leave. well, it's just not possible.
but hey! at least now you get endless cash and you even have this cool best friend who really seems to spoil you!
oh, and now he's asking to be your boyfriend.
"sorry, you're not my type... i like the losers. boyfailures, even."
"sweetie..."
..
...
yeah, so now you're dating. it's all cool. yeah, you... totally don't mind this.
"best friend can we get some chicken nuggets? i really want some chicken nuggets and fries, best friend."
"it's boyfriend, sweetie. but of course! anything you want ☺️ we can get those chicken nuggets and more if you want."
okay well, at least it's not that bad... he's rich and handsome, he spoils you and loves you! like those guys in fanfiction, right? maybe a little too much though.
"sweetie, I'm throwing away all your merchandise of this man thing, okay? I'm replacing it with merchandise of me."
"don't tell me you're already throwing it away..."
"☺️"
"we're OVER."
#yandere#tw yandere#yandere x reader#yandere drabbles#yandere scenarios#yandere imagines#yandere concepts#yandere golden boy#yandere golden boy x reader#gn reader#suiana rambling#suiana brainrotting
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My video "A LAWYER'S EVIDENCE that Mike and Will become a romantic pair in Stranger Things" is out!
youtube
Many of you have followed me ( @teambyler ) or read my essays analyzing Byler (I've linked some of the most-shared ones below). I am actually also a LAWYER who has a YouTube channel called RONALD OFF THE RECORD, and I just released my big video on Byler! (I also have another YouTube channel with 45K subscribers that I mention in the video)
I'm prepared to put my professional reputation as a lawyer on the line to comment on a piece of science fiction, because goddammit this is important to me! It is not "delusional" to think Will and Mike will become a couple, and there is nothing wrong with you if want it to happen! This is a video essay I've been planning for at least SIX MONTHS, and I put a lot of work into it. Please share, and please leave comments. Enjoy! =D
0:00 Why this video 1:38 Hate for Byler on the internet 10:16 Case for Mileven 15:21 Case for Byler: Starting premises 17:56 If Will were a girl… 25:30 The evidence! 29:05 EXHIBIT A: The Snow Ball 31:34 B: Mike's reactions to El and Will being upset 34:21 C: Season 3 ending montage 39:16 D: Airport reunion 47:51 E: Rink-O-Mania argument 51:28 F: Heteronormativity, audience expectations 58:25 G: Throwing away the letter 59:55 H: 2nd heart-to-heart scene 1:05:43 I: Mike can't say he loves El 1:13:27 J: Platonic reunion 1:15:12 K: Will's role convincing Mike to say "I love you" 1:20:08 L: Effect of the "love confession" on El 1:39:54 M: The Painting Lie 1:43:22 Honorable mentions 1:45:27 Non-diegetic evidence 2:01:23 Actor statements 2:10:34 NOT how you write an unrequited love story 2:16:07 Why Byler SHOULD happen (queerbaiting, etc.) 2:28:21 A more powerful story 2:35:45 A personal note
I'm now making this my new pinned post, so I'll list a few of my posts here for people to check out.
ADDITIONS: -28:00 On "We should normalize same-sex friends being affectionate, they don't have to be gay," I should have been clearer. HOMOPHOBIA is the reason for that stigma. Straight friends feeling like they can be affectionate in our society HAS to include normalizing LGBT+ people. -1:16:55 I should've said this more clearly: Will reminded Mike that who HE is, HIS unique qualities, make him worthy of love and make El love him, not dumb luck. And Will of course could convey that because Will loves the actual nerd MIke and everything he is. -1:17:06 Mike making El "not feel like a mistake" doesn't fit El, because she says that Mike looks at her "like I'm a monster, too". Nor did she "push you away because she was afraid of losing you". That's Will, not El. Mike felt love because Will was describing himself. -1:52:36 I forgot to mention that, in the original Nina opera, Nina's lover is ALIVE and DOES return. The Duffers changed the story so that Nina's lover does NOT return, to further suggest Mike won't return! -2:35:22 I'm kicking myself for not being more specific about Mike and Will being heroes in more than one way: I think the theme of bullying from s1 will return, with Will (and also Mike) having to face bullying for being boyfriends in Hawkins.
EDIT: I hit 1000 subs, only to discover THIS VIDEO CANNOT BE MONETIZED. ='( I think I put over 100 hours of work in this video, and this isn't sustainable for me unless I get support. This also means I can't make public videos with the same quality -- using show clips and music makes a stronger impact. I've considered deleting and reposting an edit, but that would losing all the wonderful comments and CUTTING OUT THE LAST SCENE. ='( ='( ='( NO. FUCKING. WAY.
So this is what'll happen: future videos NOT use clips and music to the same extent, except versions I post on my Patreon. And I need Patrons because I don't make money as a social-justice lawyer, and rely on that plus YouTube ads. Here's the Patreon link! (Any future video will be clipped, with the full version on Patreon) https://www.patreon.com/c/theruleslawyer
Some other @teambyler posts:
Mike was saying "I love you" to Will
Questions to ask if ever you have Byler doubt
How the Duffers have set Will up to have a happy ending in Season 5
The most heartbreaking way Byler can culminate (and how I predict it will) (I know this is less likely than an "escape from Camazotz" possession scenario, but I still want this to happen =D )
How the Duffers likely will make the general audience AWARE of Byler and CHEER for Byler
-teambyler
#byler#teambyler#video#lawyer's evidence#stranger things#st5 speculation#byler theory#byler analysis#Youtube
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passion for fashion | max verstappen social media au
pairing: max verstappen x fem it girl!reader
she's everything and he's just ken (in a red bull shirt)
MASTERLIST | TIPS | MY SMALL BUSINESS
vogue
liked by yourusername, maxverstappen1 and 490,233 others
tagged: yourusername
vogue: it's the start of the f1 season, you know what that means... y/n y/ln fashion season is in session
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user1: @yourusername make sure you're windows are bolted shut tongiht... you're on my rob list
user2: and mine PLEASE SPARE ME SOME OF YOUR CLOTHES
user3: her and lewis hamilton are the only real ones in that paddock
user4: the way they're still besties despite what went down in 2021 >>>
lewishamilton: me and y/n 🤝 making the paddock our runway
yourusername: someone has to make it interesting around here
lewishamilton: see @maxverstappen1 even y/n is bored of you winning everything...
maxverstappen1: womp womp
lewishamilton: womp womp ???? have some decorum
maxverstappen1: jokes on you i don't know what that means
user5: i wish i looked that good candidly
user6: at what point do we stage an intervention for max's wardrobe
user7: babe if the girlfriend effect still hasn't hit then it's terminal
user8: especially when your girlfriend is Y/N Y/LN
maxverstappen1: i'd do anything for her <3
yourusername: even wear something other than red bull merch?
maxverstappen1: let's not get too far ahead of ourselves
user9: i love them your honour
yourusername
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tagged: maxverstappen1
yourusername: max verstappen wins, water is wet
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user11: water is wet and i will be drowning myself in it tonight
user12: me after hearing the dutch national anthem one too many times
landonorris: tell him he has too many already and he should let his best friend have a go
yourusername: he said that's not possible because i don't know how to drive an f1 car
landonorris: nuh uh you can't be his best friend and his girlfriend that's not fair
maxverstappen1: welp, idk what to tell you buddy
landonorris: i feel BETRAYED
yourusername: i'm sorry i'm just that loveable lando... i see how it is
landonorris: HOW HAVE I BECOME THE VILLAIN?
user13: max terrorises them on the grid and in the paddock they maximise their joint slay to terrorise everyone in a two mile radius
user14: they slay so much i can't even be angry at it
danielricciardo: so that's why i was kicked out of the elevator
yourusername: you weren't kicked out it was your floor?
danielricciardo: why did i not make the post? I THOUGHT I MEANT MORE TO YOU
maxverstappen1: just because we both had teenage crushes on you doesn't make you special. you'd have to fight seb and jenson for real special treatment
yourusername: throw fernando and kimi in there as well.
danielricciardo: i was confident in my fighting chances, but i'll leave nando and kimi to it
maxverstappen1: pussy
danielricciardo: EXCUSE ME
yourusername: idk how we got here but don't talk to my boyf that way daniel 😔
danielricciardo: i'm blocking both of you
user15: i am so baffled
user16: IT couple for real
maxverstappen1
liked by danielricciardo, yourusername and 1,034,448 others
tagged: yourusername
maxverstappen1: clocked in for my shift as the trophy husband to the prettiest girl in the world
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user17: max verstappen why is there a whisper meme in your photo dump
user18: his ass acting like he wasn't at one of the most prestigious galas in the world
charles_leclerc: YOU got an invite and that's the best you could do
maxverstappen1: you better take that back right now y/n dressed me tonight and i look SEXY and COOL
yourusername: charles :( he looks very handsome
charles_leclerc: my bad y/n i wasn't aware that was your pick
yourusername: SAY HE'S HANDSOME CHARLES
charles_leclerc: ??? no
yourusername: wow. you really aren't a girls girl charles. i am disappointed
maxverstappen1: does our history mean nothing charles? i have no issue recreating the inchident at the next race
charles_leclerc: FINE. you look very handsome max
yourusername: more passion please
charles_leclerc: you look very handsome max!
yourusername: more! give the lestappen girlies some crumbs to feed on
charles_leclerc: YOU LOOK VERY HANDSOME
maxverstappen1: thank you 😊
user19: ignoring what ever the fuck that was ... MAX IN A SUIT WHAT THE FUCK MAX IN A SUIT
user20: y/n y/ln the woman you are
user21: so how can we implement this willingness to wear a suit into his paddock fashion
lewishamilton: you might have to waterboard him
charles_leclerc: i volunteer as tribute !
yourusername: 🤨
maxverstappen1: 🤨
f1paddockfashion
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tagged: maxverstappen1 & yourusername
f1paddockfashion: max verstappen in non-red bull attire? MAX VERSTAPPEN IN NON-RED BULL ATTIRE? also y/n slaying as per.
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user24: this is - i don't know how to feel
user25: maybe the real max verstappen in non red-bull attire was the friends we made along the way
user26: i am CELEBRATING but ladies do remember it's still alpha tauri 😭😭😭
user27: please let us have this while we can
user28: it's not plastered with sponsors so we'll take it
user29: idk about you guys but i think this means y/n should be knighted for her services
user30: i actually think prying the red bull merch out of max's hands might be the hardest thing in the world
user31: call me crazy but those jeans look kinda baggy 😳
user32: omg they definitely are
user33: death to the skinny jeans? fuck it first child named after y/n
user34: can we maybe get y/n in charge of max's merch cause the shit he sells should be considered criminal
user35: for real we need babe in the board room asap
user36: fuck it get her in the red bull board room as well
user37: go all the way and get her with the f1 execs
yourusername
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yourusername: i love him even if all he wears is red bull
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user39: so ... who made the inchident shirt?
charles_leclerc: and how do i get one?
maxverstappen1: i got it made and considering you DON'T think i'm handsome you can go fuck yourself :)
charles_leclerc: GASP. that is my face you have to make me one
maxverstappen1: boooooo no i don't
charles_leclerc: can i copyright my face? i'm sending you a cease and desist
maxverstappen1: fine. but you will never look as hot as y/n in it
charles_leclerc: so you can call me ugly? @yourusername ???
yourusername: it was a compliment to me so soz
user40: the way she's fashion's IT girl and she still loves him even though his whole wardrobe should be burned
user41: real love
maxverstappen1: i love you. i wear my red bull merch to give you the runway
yourusername: sureeeee ... i love you too xx
maxverstappen1: let me live 😭😭😭
yourusername: the girls are dragging your name babe i need them to know HOW SEXY YOU ARE
maxverstappen1: i don't care how sexy they find me, as long as you love me that's all i need
yourusername: you're SO FUCKING CUTE I LOVE YOU
maxverstappen1: I LOVE YOU TOO
user42: can they chill? some people on here are lonely
maxverstappen1
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tagged: yourusername
maxverstappen1: my closet looks like this, so her's can look like this :)
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user43: max verstappen i misunderstood you. i was unfamiliar with your game.
user44: he's the standard now i fear
user45: a man who wears the same three outfits so you can have the whole walk-in for your collection >>
yourusername: thank you babe. you are god's strongest soldier
maxverstappen1: i AM. that room is scary. there's too much that i don't understand. so many shoes, so many straps i can't navigate it
yourusername: that's okay baby. there's your red bull draw and that's all you need
maxverstappen1: no the people don't understand. i went in there once and i swear i ended up in narnia
yourusername: you passed out with the AC on the highest level and jimmy and sassy sat on you. you were not in narnia
maxverstappen1: oh. well...
user46: this is the closet y/n deserves the rest of that house is defo a mojo dojo casa house
user47: fighting all the trophies, helmets and framed race suits with her narnia closet
lilymunhe: may i request a trip to the narnia closet x
yourusername: omg yes! come over next time you and alex are in monaco - the boys can entertain themselves
alexalbon: what if i want a closet tour as well?
maxverstappen1: don't do it alex you'll never find your way back out
alexalbon: (i was going to strategically leave a pair of albon athletics shoes in there)
yourusername: alex i already own a pair i bought them release day!
alexalbon: OMG ... one instagram pic so my sales can go platinum?
maxverstappen1: don't try and pimp my gf out
alexalbon: ???
yourusername: max 😭 and sure alex!
fin.
note: thank you for reading soz for the long waits between posts a girl has been BUSY but i hope you've all enjoyed! happy galentines day or palentines day to all that celebrate and thanks for 4.7k!! xx
#f1 imagine#f1 x reader#f1 instagram au#f1 x you#f1#f1 social media au#max verstappen imagine#max verstappen instagram au#max verstappen x you#max verstappen x reader#max verstappen fanfic#max verstappen#max verstappen social media au
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Let’s Fall In Love For The Night | LN4
lando norris x reader
summary: you fell in love with him on vacation, he tells you he’s not looking for a relationship. he’s in denial.
written + smau
As a uni student with an internship, you had absolutely no time, and money was sparse. So it's been years since you've had a break. But, after saving money from your summer job, and a lot of convincing from your friends, you were finally going on vacation.
On the second day, you were attempting to play volleyball on the beach. However, it wasn't going so well.
"I got it!" you yelled, frantically running with your eyes on the ball in the air.
You weren't expecting to run into someone, causing you to fall back, the volleyball landing a few meters away.
"Oh— I am so so sorry," a British voice apologized.
And when you looked up at him, your breath got taken away. He towered over you, tan skin and dark curls falling onto his forehead. You tried not to focus too hard on his abs as you scanned your eyes over him.
Once you snapped out of your trance, you grabbed his outstretched hand and hoped he hadn't caught you staring at him.
"Sorry, I should've been more careful," you brushed his apology off.
"No, no, it was my fault. I'm Lando, by the way."
"Y/n," you replied.
"Well, Y/n, why don't you let me make it up to you?"
"What did you have in mind?" you asked, a small smile gracing your lips.
"How about we grab some smoothies together after your game?" he suggested.
You agreed, and he told you where he would be waiting.
"I'll find you when we're done."
"Perfect, it's a date," he winked, and then he was gone.
Wide-eyed, you walked back to your friends, who squealed with glee when they heard about your plans. You hadn't been on a date in over two years, after all.
yourusername
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yourusername sunkissed😚 (i’m completely burnt)
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friend1 girl we told you to put on sunscreen
friend2 BODY IS TEAAA💅💅
friend3 right yeah just skip over the SUPER ROMANTIC sunset beach picnic…right…
yourusername shh🤫
friend4 my baby is all grown up🥺
yourusername i talk to ONE guy
friend5 come back i miss youuuu
After that day, you started seeing Lando every day. You would go out into the town together, go to the club together, walk on the beach during sunset together, and your feelings were suddenly becoming very real.
And then you kissed. When your lips connected, it felt like everything going on in the background dulled and it was just you and him, alone on the beach. It felt like nothing else in the world mattered as long as you were with him. His lips were addicting, and you couldn't get enough.
You got to know Lando at such a personal level. You connected with him like you hadn't connected with anyone else before. You told him things you've never told anyone else. You squeezed a whole relationship into the 3 weeks that you were there. It felt perfect.
~~~~~~~~~~
landonorris
Liked by maxfewtrell and others
landonorris rested and recharged😊
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user1 THE POSE
user2 bro did NOT set that picnic up himself
user3 THE PICNIC HELLO??? thats so cuteeee
user4 now who did he eat that with🤨
user5 we lost a good one y’all😔
user6 NOOOO THAT SHOULD BE ME!!!
user7 come home the kids miss you
~~~~~~~~~~
Lando had never met someone like Y/n before. She was funny, kind, smart, and had a smile that made his stomach flutter. The way he instantly connected with her, it was like they were made for each other. She didn't even know who he was, she just liked him for him.
But it was too good to be true. You were in your last year of Uni, and the last thing you probably wanted was a serious relationship. He assumed you wanted to live your life after this, and wanted nothing to do with him.
It was just a little fling, that's all. So he dreaded when he would have to leave.
"Hey, we should talk," he told you as you lay next to each other on the beach.
"Sure, what's up?"
"My flight to go home is tomorrow. And I'm sure you're not looking for a relationship right now, and neither am I to be honest. But, I had a really good time hanging out with you."
He didn't see the way that your face dropped. "Oh, right. Yeah. Yeah. It was just a bit of fun, I guess."
It went silent after that and unbeknownst to each other, they both had knots in their stomachs.
Early the next morning, Lando was on a flight home, and Y/n went home the next day, completely heartbroken.
Lando sat on the jet with Max Fewtrell across from him, his head leaning against the window as he stared longingly at the ocean below.
"So, did you get Y/n's number? You seemed to really hit it off," Max commented
Lando sighed deeply, tearing his gaze from the window as he shook his head.
"No, I told her I wasn't looking for a relationship."
"And is that true?"
"No, I actually really liked her," he admitted, avoiding eye contact as he picked at his fingernails.
"Knobhead."
Lando stared at Max with his mouth agape and eyes wide.
"Did you get her Instagram at least?"
"No."
"How about her last name?"
Lando shook his head.
"Fucking idiot," Max sighed.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. I'll get over her."
~~~~~~~~~~
"Wait, wait, tell me again what he said?" Y/n's friend asked in the hotel room.
"He assumed I didn't want a relationship and then he said that he didn't want a relationship either. So that was it. It's done."
"What a dickhead," Y/n's other friend commented, sighing.
"Yep, well, that's what I get for talking to men."
"Maybe you can clear things up? I assume you have his number or Instagram or something?"
"No, I don't," Y/n replied.
"Maybe we can look him up, what's his last name?"
"Um, I don't know."
"You're kidding right?" Y/n's friend said, groaning loudly at her stupidness.
"It's fine. It was just a little fling," Y/n dismissed.
"You were literally gushing about him on Twitter and saying that you thought you loved him."
"I don't want to talk about it, okay?"
When she got home, she spent two days just rotting in her bed, mascara stained on her cheeks.
~~~~~~~~~~
The season continued for Lando, and he thought he would be able to forget about you quickly, but he was wrong.
All he could think about was your striking eyes, your infectious laugh, and your contagious smile. He closed his eyes all all he saw was your face.
He was sure that you were haunting him.
5 races later, his distracted behavior was getting noticeable.
"-Lando, Lando?"
He suddenly snapped out of his trance, realizing that his engineer was trying to get his attention during the debriefing.
"Sorry, what?"
"Are you feeling okay, Lando?"
"I'm fine, I'm fine. What were you saying?"
Oscar gave him a look from across the room, but he just shook his head. Afterward, as he walked back to his driver's room, he opened his phone to look at a picture of you.
He had taken it while you weren't looking. Your head was tilted back in laughter, your eyes bright and cheerful. You looked like the most beautiful woman to ever exist.
"Who's that?" Oscar asked from beside him, and Lando jumped at his unexpected arrival.
"Jeez, warn a guy next time. It's no one."
"If it's no one then why are you always staring at her?"
Lando glared at him.
"Look, I met her during summer break, I blew it and told her I didn't want a relationship when it was a lie, but I don't have any of her contact info and I only know her first name."
"Surely you can find her somehow? Or she can find you? You are famous, after all."
Lando stopped walking suddenly, a smile forming on his face.
"You're a genius, thanks Oscar!" he yelled as he sprinted to his driver's room.
landonorris
Liked by maxfewtrell, oscarpiastri, and others
landonorris ATTENTION PLEASE!! HELP NEEDED!! I am in desperate need to find this girl! Whoever can find her will receive nothing but please help me!!!!!
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username1 wtf is happening...
username2 this gotta be the girl from the picnic during summer break
username3 no shit sherlock
username4 this is not very demure...
username5 not cutesy at all...
username6 OMG SHES SO CUTE AND PRETTY
username7 need me a man that will scour the internet to find me
username8 so is this considered a hard launch?
username9 well now i gotta know the story cause i'm a nosy bitch
username10 wait i recognize her! i think she's a friend of my friend hold on
username10 here's her instagram @.yourusername
Lando had her Instagram within 10 minutes. He thought of just messaging her, but he really needed to get his message across.
So, with a quick google search, he was able to find her address.
He went straight from the track to the airport.
~~~~~~~~~~
You opened your Instagram to find thousands of new followers, hundreds of messages, and a bunch of mentions in comments.
Furrowing your eyebrows in extreme confusion, you clicked on the notification and it brought you to a post...with your face on it.
Getting even more confused, you checked the username. Lando Norris.
No fucking way.
You clicked on her profile, and it was really him. And turns out he was a famous, millionaire, Formula 1 driver.
What the actual fuck. And why was he trying to find you? Last you heard he wasn't interested in a relationship...not that you were still bitter or anything.
Shit, you couldn't do anything now, you had Uni to get to. You quickly got ready, grabbing your back and walking toward your car.
"Wait! Y/n!"
A shout of your name immediately grabbed your attention, and you turned around.
There he was, just as beautiful as he was two months ago. The air left your lungs as you took in his appearance. He was actually here.
"Lando. You're here."
"Yeah. Have you been on your phone today."
You nodded.
"Sorry for posting you, I was just so desperate to find you. I know I said I wasn't looking for a relationship but I just said that because that's what I thought you wanted and I'm really really sorry about that but I've been so miserable without you and—"
You cut him off, wrapping your hand around his neck and pulling him into a kiss.
"You are such a fool," you told him.
"I know," he sighed in relief, a wide smile on his face.
"Anyway, how did you find my address?"
"Google."
"And you couldn't just message me when you found my Instagram?"
"I had to get my point across."
You chuckled, pulling him into another kiss.
"As much as I'd love to stay here and kiss you more, I have to get to class."
"Right, I'll uh... get a hotel or something."
"You can stay in my flat, loser," you laughed, tossing him the keys.
yourusername added to their story
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friend1 i'm so happy for you babe
landonorris i like the papaya hearts ;)
username1 NO WAY HE FLEW ALL THE WAY FROM AUSTIN TO SEE YOU
landonorris
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landonorris I found you, my love🧡
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maxfewtrell finally mate
username1 YAYY WE DID IT
username2 con😭grat😭ul😭ations😭
username3 they’re so cute wtf
username4 i’m sleeping on the highway tonight
yourusername you’re the best thing that’s happened to me🫶💕
username5 bro i need to know the whole story
username6 the pictures are so aesthetic omg
username7 now THIS is demure
username8 very cutesy
—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—
Add yourself to my taglist!
all works taglist: @evasmlp @partnerincrime0
#f1#formula 1#f1 fanfic#f1 x reader#lando norris#f1 smau#lando norris x reader#smau#max fewtrell#oscar piastri#f1 imagine#f1 social media au#f1 fanfiction#f1 fluff#f1 angst#formula 1 fanfiction
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.
#DON'T READ THIS i just need to rant somewhere#met up with a friend today which we had been planning for weeks and after an hour she had to leave#because her girlfriend was having bad side effects of unintentionally going off her anxiety medication#and obviously that's nobody's fault. i'm not mad at anyone but. i am sad#1. i was looking forward to hanging out we usually talk until our throats are sore#2. of course part of it is being jealous i don't have a girlfriend. but i also know that if i was feeling sick nobody would be rushing home#to take care of me. my family's far away and i don't have that kind of relationship with any of my friends#if i were sick on a sunday i would either have to go to the emergency pharmacy by myself or just suffer#and 3. i'm jealous of her anxiety med prescription. why does she get that and i don't#(no i haven't called any therapists or psychiatrists etc because. ironically. i am scared)#i think ultimately i am just so bone-deeply lonely#if you did read this don't judge me please#i'm getting my period i'm not normally this openly sad
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What's a fanfiction?
"You wrote it, I think it's only right you get to experience it, babydoll"
Pairing: dbf!Joel Miller x f!reader
Summary: By mistake, you send Joel, your neighbor, your dad’s best friend, a fanfic you wrote, and when you go to his house to talk to him about it, your worst fear comes to life… and then your biggest dream.
Warnings: age-gap, he blackmails you (but youre very much into it) smut| oral sex (m receiving), facefucking, 1 lil threat of anal, p in v sex, creampie, sir kink, small little breeding kink moment, so much degradation, and a lil bit of praising.
a/n: i am aware this is not written very well, but i was thinking too much and then i remembered that at the end of the day i do this for fun and its not that serious, so please overlook all the shitty parts. love ya very much<3
Read.
Read-
He read it. He fucking read it and you're gonna jump off a cliff and die.
You swore- you fucking swore you sent it to Miley yesterday night. Right before you went to sleep, you finished writing it and sent to her- except obviously, that wasn't what had fucking happened.
You'd sent it to him
And now you needed to find a fucking solution.
__ __ __
God even knocking felt like torture,
"oh hi y/n" Sarah's smile was nothing like her dad's, it was all kindness and sweetness, while Joel's... well Joel's always had something strange lurking behind his.
"Hi Sarah" you forced your lips to mimic hers, although the nerves were making it difficult "Is your dad home? I kinda need to talk to him"
"mh-mh" she nodded, gesturing for you to come in "he's in his study upstairs"
You stepped into the house just as she crouched down to pick up a gym bag
"You know where that is right?" she asked "I'm late for practice, I gotta go"
You felt your heart drop as her words sank in.
She was going out- she would be leaving you alone with him, in his house, in his study-
But then again, considering what it was you were here to talk about, maybe it was for the best.
"Yeah, don't worry" you forced another smile
"great" she beamed "see you later then"
And just like that, she was out of the house, and you were sole in the middle of your neighbor's entrance.
__ __ __
Again, another knock that felt very much like a punch to the gut
"come in"
His voice was warm and strong like it always was, that same voice that made your panties dampen just at the thought of it.
"H-hey Mr. Miller" you swallowed thickly, pushing open the door as if an army of zombies waited on the other side
"Darlin'" he nodded at you from behind his wooden desk, a hint of a grin shadowing his lips
Darlin'
Darlin'
God this fucking man
"h-hey" you said again, cursing internally while you tried remembering why you were even there.
Oh, right. Just about the most awkward thing ever.
A soft chuckle rumbled from his chest, making the hair at the nape of your neck stand.
"Whatcha doing here, doll?"
You felt heat rush to your cheeks, and then you felt your eyes fall to the floor as your hands fiddled with the edge of your skirt.
The skirt you purposely wore to come here- for him-
god what a stupid fucking-
"Thatta real pretty skirt you got on"
Your eyes snapped up to him, but he took his time glancing away from your legs.
"Oh- I- thank you" you murmured
"Jus' call 'em like I see 'em, darlin'" he shrugged, leaning back into his chair "Now's that all you came here for? To show me your new pretty skirt?"
"n-no" you rushed in to say, perhaps too quickly to be fully believable "I came here because I- uhm" You bit your bottom lip, the nervous fiddling starting back up again
"I ain't gonna bite babydoll"
Fuck- at this rate your panties would start melting.
"last night-" you gulped "I kinda- I... well I sent you something by mistake"
"ah" he hummed, raising his brows as he clicked on something on the laptop next to him "I gotta say, issa real... interesting story this one"
No-
NO
Fuck my life and everything ever in the existence of the universe fuckfuckfuck-
"who's..." he trailed off, reading off his screen "Javier?"
Your lungs had turned to stone and your mind to dust.
This couldn't be really happening, no, I mean, even if he'd read it for some reason he surely wouldn't be... taunting you for it.
"Mr. Miller-"
"real lucky guy" he said, his lips twitching into a soft smirk as he looked at you curiously "You brought him home to meet your daddy yet?"
"n-no" you stuttered, your mind a big ashamed mess and your whole body frozen like a statue "n-no he's not... real"
You watched his brows come together in confusion.
"what's that mean he ain't real?"
A shaky sigh fled your lips as you surrendered to your fate
"He's a character... f-from a tv show"
He remained silent, and as comfortable with silence as you were it was a different kind of story when Joel Miller was staring at you... so you talked again.
"T-that's a fanfiction, I- I write them sometimes, it's... fun"
His eyes searched yours for answers, faint amusement sparking in the back of his irises.
"what's a fanfiction, doll?"
Death wasn't such a scary thing after all- yeah it sure as hell was a better alternative to this.
"It's a... made-up story, that people- that I- sometimes write about fictional characters I like- a-and then I post it for p-people to read"
"And this Javier..."
"Narcos" you blurted out "H-he's from the show Narcos, he's not real"
His mouth twitched into a subtle smile, his eyes raking all over your body as if he was checking to see if it was really you in front of him
"I've seen that show" he said, his brow raising "Ain't he a bit old for you, babydoll?"
"Y-yes well- I-I-"
But you had no excuse for that, you could never tell him the truth, about how much you liked older men... about all the celebrity crushes double your age- so you just bit your lip, looking down at the floor.
The noise of his chair creaking as he got up made your heart skip a beat, but it stopped completely only when you heard him step closer to you... until he was right before you.
The only thing you could see were the socks covering his feet, and part of his black jeans- you didn't have it in you to actually look at him, to see him laughing at you, but you had no other choice when two of his fingers pulled your chin up.
"so you sit in your room, imagining this old man doin' all this stuff to you, and then you write it down?" he spoke, his beautiful mouth so very close to you "And here I was thinkin' you were a good little girl"
Your breath caught in your throat at those words, and he... yeah he definitely noticed.
"Please don't tell my dad"
"well I don't know" he moved some hair from your face, "I think this is somethin' your daddy ought to know"
a well of fear dipped into your belly, your eyes widening
"n-no please" you begged "Please Mr. Miller don't, I'll do anything- anything at all"
"oh sweetie" he cooed, "that ain't somethin' you can tell a man, especially not after he's read all the dirty things you fantasize about in your pretty little head"
"Mr Miller-" you bit your lip
"Mr Miller?" he repeated, looking down at you like you were the smallest little creature in the world "That ain't what you were calling Javi now, was it?"
A small, almost imperceptible gasp left your mouth.
He couldn't be saying... no right?- except...
"Joel-"
"that ain't it either" he shook his head, his thumb tracing the shape of your lower lip "you know what it is babygirl"
Either you were gonna make a fool of yourself, or this really was what he wanted.
"S-sir"
The slightest, most feline smirk pulled at his lips in satisfaction "thatta girl" he murmured "you don't want your dad to know what a dirty lil' girl his daughter really is?"
His breath was fanning on your mouth, and his touch was making your legs turn to jelly.
"n-no" you shook your head almost imperceptibly
"no?" he asked again, just to see you squirm, just to savor this moment for a little bit more.
"no sir"
He swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down his throat, his eyes looking into yours, memorizing every inch of your face, of the anxiety, the ardor, the plead in your expression.
"then get on your knees"
Your eyes widened in shock, the air going up your throat suddenly getting stuck
"w-wha-"
"what?" he asked, not even sounding like himself anymore. His tone was sweet, calm even, but something almost dire lurked underneath his words.
"you seemed eager to do it when Javi asked" he tilted his head, his fingers still holding your chin.
If you didn't know better you would have guessed it was jealousy that traced his tone whenever he spoke the name of your fantasies's protagonist... little did he know the main reason why you even liked Javier was his resemblance to him- to Joel.
"Mr- sir" you stuttered "I-"
"I don't like to repeat myself y/n" he spoke sternly, his eyes boring into yours "Do you want your daddy to know or not?"
You didn't need to answer, you only held his stare as he let your face go, and you slowly, unsurely, and awkwardly got to your knees.
"wasn't so hard now was it?" he asked, his eyes dark enough to fade into the night sky "what are you waiting for?"
"I-"
"You need instructions babydoll?" he chuckled "'cause I ain't gonna give 'em to ya" he said while your heart pounded in your chest "I know you know how to do it" he smirked "Described it so well in your little fanfiction"
"b-but I-" you tried to take a deep breath but doing anything while he towered over you, while his crotch was right in your line of sight was proving to be very very difficult "I've only ever done this once" you gulped, trying to keep eye contact
"yeah?" he smiled, his hand going to the top of your head, gently patting it...that really shouldn't have turned you on as much as it did. "then how come you knew exactly what to do with Javi? don't tell me you just guessed"
He either didn't believe you, or was really not expecting that. But it was the truth- you'd only ever done anything once... and it's not like it had even felt that great.
"Well, I- I do research... and I- I read a lot"
If you thought he looked predatorial before... you had no idea how bad it could really get.
"research huh?" he mocked, his voice as deep as it could get "Oh baby you're digging yourself a hole here" he tsked, shaking his head while looking almost disappointed "I really think your daddy ought to know about all the research his lil' girl's doing under his roof"
"No!" you begged, your bottom lip trembling.
"No?" he asked, tracing it with his thumb "Then I suggest you make it good, babygirl"
And that was that.
Your trembling hands undid his belt, then lowered his zipper, and finally pulled his pants down until they pooled at his feet.
Fuck
He was huge- even with the boxers still on it was very clear the man was just massive-
"I don't like to be teased y/n"
"s-sorry sir" you responded automatically, noticing his cock twitch within the confines of the fabric in appreciation of your obedience.
You had to do it slowly, you had to pull his boxers down slowly so you could have time to calm down, to not panic in front of the huge cock that was gonna be right in front of you at any moment-
And yet it didn't work- a soft gasp fled your mouth as you freed his manhood.
He only chuckled, watching the fear in your eyes, and quite frankly, very much enjoying it.
"I'll tell ya if you're doing it wrong" he simply spoke, his hand going to the back of your head to guide you closer to where he wanted you.
He was getting impatient. And you didn't want to disappoint him.
Yes, he was blackmailing you, but you'd be lying if you said you hadn't been dreaming of this for years.
You looked like a frightened kid as you wrapped your right hand around him, and you looked even more out of place as you opened your mouth and started fitting his length inside of it.
A weak grunt rumbled from his chest "Hollow your cheeks" he ordered, having you obey in a heartbeat.
"fuck that's good" he groaned now, watching you intently as you started bobbing your head, trying to fit more of him into your mouth "Good little slut"
You didn't know a moan was gonna flee your mouth until it had- until your whole face felt hot and you waited terrified for Joel's reaction.
Exect he was smiling- no- grinning like you'd just given him the best gift he'd ever received.
"Oh, you're really something else ain't ya, darlin'?"
"mhp" Your muffled noises were all the more entertaining to him, especially paired up with the sight of your thighs rubbing together.
You were so fucking wet you feared at any moment you would start dripping onto the floor.
"so needy" he murmured, his hand now gathering your hair in a makeshift bun "You wanna touch yourself, baby girl? wanna feel good while you make me feel good?"
"mh-mh" you tried to nod, to beg, to say yes please for the love of god let me.
"that's too bad" he tutted, sounding like he was holding back a laugh "Javi didn't let you do that now, did he?" he smirked "You wrote it, I think it's only right you get to experience it, babydoll"
But before you had time to ask yourself if he meant all of it, he'd spoken again.
"that all you can take?" he asked, watching the first half of his cock in your mouth with amusement "Here- how 'bout I help you out darlin'" he smirked, his hips retracting just to thrust into your mouth-
It wasn't a hard jab, but still you choked, and then you choked some more as he did it again, watching you fit more of him into your mouth as saliva drooled to your chin and your eyes watered.
You could feel the texture of every inch of his dick with your tongue, the feel of his veins, and the taste of his precum were all you were aware of.
"like that- see, jus' needed a lil' help" he groaned "Even a slut like you needs it sometimes"
His pace had quickened, and tears were now streaming down your face.
"shh" he shushed you once you choked yet another time "I know it's big baby" he cooed, his thrust much less gentle than his words, although that was all an act too "I know, I know... but you're gonna have to be a good whore for me and take it aaall into that slutty little throat, ok?" he murmured "just try to breathe through your nose"
What did he mean try?
What if you tried and failed?
But you weren't actually worried- you had never thought being horny could actually be painful, and yet, there you were, literally so wet and turned on it hurt.
You couldn't even see him anymore through all the tears covering your eyes, and you didn't even realize you were actively choking and making a complete mess of yourself, all you could feel was his big fat cock, and dream about how it would feel inside of you.
"God fuckin-" He groaned like an animal as he finally bottomed out, his dick making a permanent dent into your throat at this point "Jesus Christ"
He stayed like that for what felt like an eternity, watching you struggle, and then, just like that, he was out- and you could breathe again.
He didn't even give you time to catch your breath, to finish coughing like a maniac that he'd already given you another order.
"get up," he said "take off your clothes"
He really did want to recreate the fic- you were- you were about to have sex with Joel Miller, THE Joel Miller, your neighbor and dad's best friend Joel Miller.
oh fuck
"What did I say about repeating myself?"
You scrambled to your feet, pulling your shirt off at the same time.
You heard him snort but didn't pay it any mind as you took your bra and skirt off as quickly as you could.
You really were desperate.
But when it came to your panties you slowed, everything suddenly feeling very real.
"what are you waiting for?"
"s-sorry sir" you mumbled, finally dropping them at your feet.
A soft groaned fuck climbed up his throat as he examined every inch of your body.
You would be covering yourself, feeling a little self-conscious, if it wasn't for the fact that his gaze had turned you to stone.
"pick your panties up" he said as if getting out of a trance.
You frowned, confused, but obeyed nonetheless.
Maybe he didn't like the mess...
"Put 'em in the first drawer," he said, nodding back to his desk.
Oh
He followed your every move as you walked past him, but it was only when you were at his desk, that he started stalking towards you.
He was right beside you now, and somewhere along the way he'd lost his shirt, because your back was now pressed against his chest, and your ass was right against something else.
"I'm keepin' those" he murmured, his deep voice right next to your ear, his hands going to grip your waist.
You dropped the panties where he asked and nodded, turning to him, finding his face, his mouth, but an inch from your own.
"Yes sir"
His cock twitched again right against your backside as his mouth ghosted yours.
"Bend over"
You swallowed thickly, doing as he said.
You shivered feeling the table's cold wood meet your skin, but you got hot all over again once you felt Joel's words.
"Spread your legs"
You did.
"What an obedient slut I've turned you into" he grinned, proud of himself
"Where do you want it?"
You felt his cock slide between your cheeks, making you whimper and arch your back.
"here?" he slid it in between your legs, connecting with your clit.
You moaned as you shook your head no
"here?" he asked again, this time his dick prodding at your asshole.
You gasped as you mumbled "N-no sir- please"
"You want in your throat again babydoll, 's that it?" he teased you, his tip still leaving smears of his precum on your hole
"mh-mh" you shook your head no again "Please"
"no?" he snickered, "Then where?"
"Here?" he asked, the tip of his dick finally getting exactly where you wanted him "in your slutty lil' pussy?"
"yes- p-please sir- I-"
"say it" he taunted you, almost slipping in.
"I- I need it"
"what do you need?"
"Y-Your cock sir" you begged
"Where do you need my cock?"
"I-I need it in my pussy" you cried- he was so close if he would just- "I need your cock in my pussy sir, please I- I'm begging you-"
"good little slut"
He pushed in with one singular, hard thrust, making you cry out so loud the whole neighborhood probably heard.
He was so big it kind of burned at first, but as he thrust in again and you heard him groan in pleasure, there was no going back- you were in complete bliss... and your brain had turned to mush.
You were moaning- loudly.
"fuck-" he grunted "you're such a whore darlin'"
The sound of how wet you were as he plunged into your heat was filthy.
"Y'know- I usually give women an orgasm before I fuck 'em," he said as his balls slapped rhythmically against your skin "but you're just a whore- and whores don't deserve to be treated with respect, do ya?" Your back arched, feeding him more of yourself as your walls squeezed around him "Nah, you deserve to be used. Used like the little sluts that you are" he kept grunting, not paying any mind to how loud you were being, or how the desk had started to slip because of how hard his thrusts were "And it ain't like you need it, is it darlin'?" he chuckled, suddenly pulling you up, his right arm around your torso keeping you pinned against him "you're makin' a mess" he murmured into your ear, shivers running up your spine "and besides, this' how you wanted it- wrote it jus' like this in your lil' story didn't ya, ya little slut?"
He bit your earlobe just as his dick hit your cervix, making your brain short-circuit.
It was all so hot- so fucking hot.
"I can't imagine what your daddy would say" his mouth was on your neck now, but his pace was the same as ever, as hard and unapologetic as it could get "knowing what nasty things his little girl likes to think- to write" he chuckled "bet the poor guy would have the fuckin' big one if he knew"
"if he knew how you like to be fucked by men 30 years older than you" he groaned, feeling you squeeze him as you whimpered his name incoherently "if he knew how tight you get when I tell you how much of a slut you are"
Your eyes were rolled back, and your head had dropped against his chest
"please"
"If he knew how good you fuckin' take my cock" he murmured right against your mouth, your legs trembling "How desperate you are for it"
He was going even faster, and he was now supporting your whole body because your legs weren't working anymore.
"If he knew what a fuckin' whore he raised" he grunted, plunging his cock as deep as it could go, molding your body to him "how she's my whore now"
And that was it- that was it.
You felt actual tears stream down your cheeks as bliss took over your body- as you cried and moaned and trembled until you were done, until you'd finally recovered.
"I'm gonna come inside babygirl" It wasn't a question, it was an order, just like every one he'd given you for the past hour "Jus' like Javi" he grunted, his thrusts more erratic now "except this is real life baby- and you better hope it doesn't stick" he smirked, feeling your walls squeeze involuntarily at his words "God you're such a slut"
"Now take it all like a good one"
You couldn't help but join his moaning as he came, as he filled you up to the very brim.
You were a mess- cum was already running down your thighs as he slipped out of you, but you still followed his lead and started dressing again- only your panties were in his drawer and the walk back home would be a real awkward one.
"You post these stories?"
There was no point in lying, you'd already confessed to it.
"I- yes" you swallowed, putting your bra on "o-on Tumblr"
You could very well see he'd never heard of the app
"How are you called on there?"
He'd stepped closer to you, watching you fiddle with your shirt in your hands.
His belt was unbuckled, his jeans still open, and you were starting to feel ready for round two already.
"S-sir you want t-to-”
"I gotta know what other things your daddy can't know about” he murmured, moving a piece of hair from your face “and all the things I’m gonna do to my lil’ slut”
#joel miller#joel miller smut#joel miller x reader#joel miller fluff#joel miller fanfiction#joel miller fic#joel miller fanfic#joel miller x fem!reader#joel miller x female reader#joel miller x y/n#joel miller x you#smut#pedro pascal#pedro pascal x reader#fluff#joel miller imagine#joel miller blurb#joel miller angst#fanfiction#the last of us#tlou#the last of us hbo#tlou hbo#joel miller x f!reader
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Love letter from your future spouse 💌 - Pick a pile
Note : *Some intense se*ual messages for you guys too, soo minors DNI*
Pile 1/Pile 2
Pile 3/ Pile 4
Hello everyone ! This is my another pick a pile or pac reading so please be kind and leave comment or reblog, and let me know if it resonated with you!
Note : This is a general reading or collective reading. It may or may not resonate with you. Please take what resonates and leave what doesn't. And it's totally okay if our energies aren't aligned!
How to pick : Take a deep breath and choose a pile which you feel most connected to!
Note : This reading is based on my intuition and channeled messages from tarot cards.
I worked really hard on this pile please show some love by leaving comments, likes and reblogs!
*Buy me a kofi*
Pile 1
(The cards I got ace of pentacles, ace of cups, 2 of cups, page of cups, and the fool)
Hello my dearest,
What can I say? I didn't even meet you and yet I still miss you. Am I going mad, my love? I am working towards my goal and I have almost everything i need at the moment but why do I still feel that longing and sadness, am I insane for this? my life has been okay, I work or study and do what needs to be done, but is it weird to say i am searching for you? I hope you feel the same way… sometimes i dream of you or have that romantic dreams where you are there and when i wake up… nothing? It's making me lose my mind, i can't really talk about it with everyone, they will or might think i am just desperate for some shit, but i am not i want something serious, i want you. I have fun too i sometimes go out with my friends we laugh together, but still when I look at them or when they talk about their lovers or text them in front of me, i just miss you.. Am i being too much? probably but i wanted to tell of this to you, I feel like i need some rest or space from everything or just go somewhere where i can be alone with my and your thoughts, but the responsibilities are holding me back , I wish you were here to hold me and tell me everything will be okay. Sometimes I feel like we make some telepathic or some sort of connection and i feel that intense vibrations in my body, I haven't even met you and here I am being vulnerable, But i know you will love this side of me, will you not? I also want to tell you you're doing great and you will achieve everything you have dreamt of please take proper care of yourself, I wanna meet you soon, and have the love , fun i never experienced or had, You know love, what's funny thing is? I never had something serious or people had just taken advantage of me, but you without even meeting you, i can tell you are what i need. Please be patient for me, universe is in work and they will help us meet at divine timing and I can't wait for it. Until then, my love.
Phew so intense they had a lot to say to you, and they seem so sweet, don't they? i wish you meet them soon.
Pile 2:
(the cards I got 3 of cups, the star, 5 of cups and king of cups)
hey ;)
Hello my star, what are you up to nowadays? Are you having fun without me? wait don't answer me that i might get jealous over it, what's wrong with me I am not scaring you away am I? I tend to speak my mind, and show what I feel, because that's how I am. But sincerely tho, i hope you are having fun and celebration and you are enjoying your life, you know this is what we should do? Like just enjoy our times, I know how hectic life can get and we all deserve the break, so do it for you don't let anyone tell you that you are not doing enough because my star , you are and i already swooning over here from the thoughts of you, would you like to hear about my life too? I will tell you what I am doing nowadays, I had lost something precious to me, I know not a way great way to start a conversation right? But i wanna tell you, I lost something, i hate that I did, but to be honest? If it leads me to you , then i am willing to sacrifice anything for it, i wish we could meet sooner, but i know this distance this gap between us only increase our love towards each other, because distance makes heart grows fonder right? Now I wont deny when I lost that thing I was sad and even cried, But now I am healing and your thoughts are helping me? Do you miss me too at the same time? and wonder what we could have been doing if we were together? Because I do. Always. It's not even funny at this point. Gosh your thoughts make me feel all romantic thoughts, you are such a tease by the way hiding away and making desperate for you, don't you worry my star , I will take my revenge when I meet you, sweet revenge, I will tease you so much that you will regret meeting me late, Don't worry I am just kidding, i tend to get intense sometimes, but your thoughts are responsible they make me like this. But right now I am working towards something I am saving money for us our future and maybe kids too? Well, its a conversation for later… But if you don't want kids we can always have pets, right? I want to give you the world, and care for you so much for you. Now, I have to go… Duty calls, but remember I miss you, and I love you even if we haven't met yet.
Pile 2 your fs sounds like a total flirt and a good person, and I love it for you! You guys deserve it <3
Pile 3:
the cards I got (knight of wands, 9 of wands, 3 of wands, 8 of wands)
Hello sexy wanderer,
Do you know what kind of thoughts, I have for you? You my sexy wildcat, you are a pure goddess and you are so beautiful, and what can I say i have such dreams for you, I just wanna tear off your clothes, i will just leave it at that, You feel like a dream come true. Wherever I go I imagine having intense intimate moments with you, and I don't even know why, such a hold you have on me, and guess what we haven't even met yet. I have to say so much to you but i will hold out for now, I don't wanna scare you away, but its totally opposite I don't wanna scare you away but i also want to impress you, I wanna have enjoy small moments with you. I would like to make out and show everyone who you actually love. Not them who stares at your beauty or just wanna have fun with you but me, you chose me, i will show that I am a proud men, and worthy of you, right now I am travelling to far away lands I like doing that you know, but i am gonna coming to meet you soon. And you believe me when i say i will sweep you off your feet and give everything you are worthy of. See you soon.
Wow, they seem too passionate, and you know what? Good for you guys! Their message was short but their energy? give me a fan right now because I need it! They are definitely fire sign and love travelling, and their sexual drive? HIGH. They gave me so much hot kind of energy, I love it for you guys, i totally see you both meeting soon!
Pile 4 :
(the cards I got 4 of pentacles, the magician, ace of wands, strength, The Hermit, 6 of cups, 3 of pentacles)
Sweetheart? Once, we meet I am not letting you go ever, But i will make sure you know that I deserve you, I might make mistakes here and there, but that's just me being foolish or silly, but I never intend to fight with you or hurt you, You know I am a bit overprotective, but if you don't like that I am willing to change my ways for you, Right now there is so much work pressure on me, i feel overwhelmed so I decided to talk with you, even though we are not in each other's lives right now, I feel I can talk to you about anything you make me feel safe like i can be myself, i never had that, it was always me making efforts, but with you i can feel we are each other's light, and I wish we cross each other's path soon, right now i am enjoying my alone time, I am not dating around, I am waiting for you sweetheart, and I have a feeling we will know we are the ones for each other. I feel we have known each other in past lives or we might have each cross each other's path, but that time timing might not be right, And we both needed to learn some lessons before we meet again, and honestly? I'd like that. I wanna be the best men for you. I love you, and for you I am willing to fight anything or anyone, Some people think i am workaholic, but they don't know what I feel, or who i feel for the person i feel for is you, you make me wanna be a better man, i wish there wasn't this much wait for us to meet, I have so much to tell you, Sometimes I end up fighting with my close ones, I regret it, I am a very calm person but when someone provokes me? I can't take it. I am working on that too. And that's why we are having our self journey's together and let's meet at our best, sweetheart. Till then remember I am here waiting for you and trying to be a best person who deserves you. I love you my sweetheart.
Okayyyy, very masculine and hardworking energy, they or you might be spiritual too, you meeting will be for the best, for some of you i feel friends to lovers trope going to be here, your man sounds so sweet yet tired. But he is doing his best, you guys got a gem.
Thank you for stopping by! Take care and remember you are loved <3
#tarotcommunity#tarot reading#tarotblr#tarot cards#pick a card reading#pick a pile#tarot witch#thetarotwitchcommunity#divination#futurespousereading#future spouse#pac reading#love reading#pick a tarot#witchblr#divine guidance#spirituality#meditation#pac#astro community#astro notes#astrology#libra placements#astro observations#pick a picture#pick a card#spiritualgrowth#tarofairey#free tarot reading#tarot exchange
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it is the first snow today. i think we should all have off work, even though it didn't stick. i think there should be 4 national holidays, one for each season. happy first snow, go home and make cookies. for spring it can be the first crocus. for summer the first lightning bug. for autumn, the first golden leaf. go home, kiss your dog, feed your cat (who is absolutely already-fed but somehow still starving.)
i think we should all take more showers together, but i mean that in the soft way. i mean it like taking a nap. two years ago i had 5 adult friends in my queen bed, all of us laying across each other, head over belly over thigh over hand. any time one of us would giggle, it would ripple over each of us, like pulling on a spiderweb. kim actually needed to nap and didn't get to sleep and i am still sorry for it even though this is one of my most precious memories.
i think we should all wash each other's hair, i mean. i walk my dog and i watch someone put up twinkle lights around their front porch. alex and i just moved, and i love the neighborhood. already so many of our new neighbors have stopped by to say hello. the nice lady downstairs also collects plants, like me. she gave us her number on a pink post-it note. i am trying to decide whether to make her cookies or brownies.
i am going through a very hard time. something bad happened this weekend that i do not wish to discuss. it is hanging over me. i think of the green ribbon, and the woman who had her throat cut. it feels like that sometimes, inside of my body. like i am walking and talking despite being half-corpsed. like i am hanging on by a ribbon, standing on some kind of cusp. i keep saying - at least it wasn't worse. we are so lucky it wasn't worse. the idea is river-rock smooth now, all the edges worried off.
in this very dark night - the sun sets by 3 now - people don't need to, but they try anyway. they paint the missing light into things. i have an embarrassing number of missed calls and texts, but i feel the love from them nevertheless - hey. if you need something, i'm here. i will bring you food/puzzles/anything. i got you.
i think we should all have a big group chat where we do errands with strangers. this week i got lost in a home depot, which is wild because i'm a lesbian and we are actually hatched in a lowe's lumber section. there were two other women in the whole store. we ended up shopping together, at first by accident (we all needed things in the same aisle), and then because, well, why not. one of the ladies was taller than me, so she pulled down the screws i needed. i am agile and have the personality of a raccoon, so they sent me after anything below 3 feet. we talked about holiday plans and never learned each other's names, but did learn all the drama about each other's families.
i am making you cupcakes, because i have so much affection i want to pour it into batter. you ask me if i am eating enough per meal. i wrap your gift twice, trying to do it prettily. i get excited to give it to you, just because i hope you'll be excited too.
my parents drive an hour just to see the new apartment and to do the parent thing; standing in the kitchen saying things like "oh you'll get so much use from this dishwasher" and "well, you could paint that" and "when your mother and i moved it was uphill both ways and in a snowstorm and of course your brother was an infant." my mother brought me a plant for housewarming. i always say i love you before she leaves.
i play dnd on tuesdays still, after all these years. we all keep that night free. at one point, between grad school and marriage and all of it, we had to have a serious discussion about how to keep it running. we will keep going, we decided eventually. just to see each other, even if we don't play - you are all important to me. sebastian is not prone to affection but last night he stole my usual sign off - i love you all, be good, he said. he was laughing.
i don't love the winter, actually. i like snow in theory, but i grew up in the north, and am too-familiar with the season of "mud and sludge". i don't like being cold. but i do love something kind of soft and rare: every year around this time, people remember oh yes. you and i are human together. and i have love to spare.
it is the first snow, and something in my heart is finally warm again. i have spent what felt like the last 18 months just going-through-the-motions. it has felt blank and immediate, like i would never actually feel again. that sounds extremely trite and stupid - but that is the boring and familiar experience of depression. life just washes up against your windows, and you watch it happening. you see things that should be lovely and affecting, and it just whispers too-thin. i was desperately uncreative. uninterested in my hobbies. unimpressed by my writing. i told my therapist, often, i don't know how to find hope again.
almost sheepishly, something strange and lovely is burning in my chest. i keep not-looking at it, worried it will scamper back into the shadows again. it is skittish and wild, but it is so warm i want to sink my hands into its fur and feel it breathing. i love-hate it: if it's real, it can hurt me when it leaves again. but i am icarus-born, sun-lover and poet: i can't help myself. despite my best intentions, i am falling in love with life again.
i am planning to make cookies for my friends. alex and i are going to go christmas tree shopping. we picked out matching dish towels last night, and they have little mushrooms on them.
i love you. it does come back. yes, even after a long time. even for you. i promise. keep trying. you will wake up and it will be a day you can smile about.
write me when you get there. we will take the day off of work, and i will wash your hair, and we will both be laughing.
#spilled ink#writeblr#pos#recovery#my brain is like - don't trust it!!!!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!! we can't be wrong again!!!!!!#and im like. what if the sorrow is the thing that's wrong though.#what if this - this!!!!! - is the truth
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