#frankly i think this applies to many different queer folk

[uncanny-tranny]

Hi, I'm just wondering, as a transmasc gay guy, how do l help ppl respect me better? I would love to get on T and have top surgery (it was banned in my state for everyone on medicaid, so l can't). If you have any suggestions I would love to hear about it.

I'll be honest, I think it really depends on different factors and what you want from each relationship.

Some things that can help is to ask yourself:

What would I want a stranger to know and respect? An acquaintance? A friend? A close friend?

What does respecting me look like, and what would I be most comfortable with? Is this impacted by how close I am with somebody?

When I answered these questions myself, it became a lot clearer to me about my own comfort levels and how I felt best respected. So, for instance, a stranger isn't going to be told by me about my sexuality because I'm not comfortable with that (and, hell, even really close friends aren't given that level of intimacy often). I use sexuality as my example because I am more sensitive about it than being a guy.

Sometimes, the most respect will come from people who don't know your entire life story, and I think many queer people are so caught up in almost "proving" that they deserve to be respected that they tend to overcompensate. I don't fault anybody for this, but ultimately... You can only do so much "for" other people when it comes to respect that you can't be blamed if somebody sees that you want to be respected and they choose not to do that. It hurts, and it's scary, but it also isn't your fault.

I think it also depends on who you are trying to help in terms of understanding you, your comfort, and your needs. Some people will need to have a level of trust in order to relate, and some won't need your whole life's story in order to understand. When it comes to social exchanges like this, I think it's best to try understanding the other person, too, because their own experiences will impact their own threshold for understanding others.

I don't have a ton of those social scripts because this is highly interpersonal and impacted heavily on your own cultures, norms, and the overall attitudes or stereotypes that may (or may not) have about queer people. I do genuinely want to guide others, but I want to do so in a way where you can easily and without guilt discard what won't work for you. I seek to inspire, not to dictate.

I tend to see the most success from doing the above, so to simplify:

Understand your own comfort levels

Differentiate those comfort levels based on your relationship with others

Understand that you are not responsible for how other people ultimately do or don't respect you

Have strong, clear boundaries whenever possible. In the event that somebody doesn't respect you, have a plan for either addressing it or not engaging with them

Remember that you have inherent worth and deserve to be treated well

I really hope that maybe this gives you some ideas. Again, I don't want to tell you what to do, just inspire you to think about your own comfort and sense of safety. If anyone has ideas, feel free to share<3

[bingkitch]

I do think one thing you tend to see a lot in what I’ll call “liberal acceptance intellectual hegemony” is the notion that human experiences are legitimated through articulated explanations; if desires or modes of living can’t be filtered through a lens of scientific rationalism, they aren’t valid or real, and this leads to a flattening of perspectives outside the mainstream, gated by a mainstream acceptance thereof. So you get models of autism that group a ton of different experiences into a few flat talking points, or of foreign cultures different from that of Protestant capitalism that assumes a homogeneity therein. And for trans people it leads to this bastardized version of Blanchadism that’s like “oh trans people have the other binary gender’s brains or something and that’s a condition that needs to be treated through transition,” which. Maybe some trans people are that, but I know so so so many queer folks for whom that just doesn’t apply, it’s not them, but they’ve learned to live within the shape of those talking points when talking to cis people because “frankly I neither know nor care why living this fits to me, but I don’t feel like that’s me” is not acceptable.

[nonegenderleftpain]

So I keep seeing this fucking everywhere every time someone talks about personally identifying as queer -person after person in the notes doing the "just don't call other people queer" dance. And I'd like to say that no one needs that reminder! This is not new information! People are smart enough to know that if an individual person doesn't want to be called ANYTHING, you shouldn't call them that. You are not being informative, you are just taking the first step towards "queer cannot be an umbrella term" and "queer is a bad word."

So many people seem to think that because some people are uncomfortable with a word, we can't use it as an umbrella. "Gay" was the slur of choice where and when I grew up, and if someone I don't know calls me gay, I get twitchy. But people are allowed to call me gay. Gay is a well-known term for the queer community, even though I don't like being called that by anyone other than myself, and I cannot expect strangers to be responsible for my trauma. If I am in a space where people are saying "gay" as an umbrella and it gets to me, or if I'm in a space where people are calling it the LGBT community and it gets to me, it is my job to remove myself, not their job to stop using a term that, for all intents and purposes, applies to me.

On an individual basis, you're right! If I ask a person directly not to use that for me and they do it anyway, they're an asshole. But that doesn't mean them saying "the Gay Community" is a personal slight against me, nor is that rude or insensitive. It's just a word to describe a large group of drastically varying people. (Frankly I don't think "Gay Community" should be the term because so many straight queer folks end up sidelined and silenced but that's a different discussion.)

You don't need to do the dance. If you take issue with people saying queer too loudly, then say that, and please stay away from me in the process. Don't try to couch it as being pragmatic. No one thinks that calling people something they don't want to be called is okay, and using that as a shield to remind people that you don't like the word and sowing that discomfort in spaces it's not asked for is pretty shitty.

[quicksandblock]

MCYT Demographic Survey Part 2 RESULTS

IT’S TIME!!!

Once again, thank you so much to everyone who participated! 1,654 people total responded to this - about four and a half times as many respondents as the first survey. It’s honestly incredible. I’m so happy the rest of you are as interested as I am in this stuff :D

The increased turnout is also why these results are being posted two days later than I’d intended. I want to give a HUGE thank you to my friend @quincepastey​ and my sibling @orestes-swimming​ for helping me out, and by helping I do mean they did basically all of the technical stuff for me, because my knowledge of spreadsheets was not up to the task. So thank you to Cupid for organizing all the data from questions 3 and 4 into something comprehensible for me, and thank you to Kal for making the charts! They are absolutely the MVPs and everyone reading this should go check them out. Thank you guys so much <3

Reblogs of this post are very appreciated. It would be awesome if the info about the results could reach everyone who submitted a response, so if you reblogged my first post about this survey, please consider reblogging this one as well!

For your convenience, here’s a link to the results of the first survey I did six months ago. Now - on to the results!

Question 1: What is your age range?

Compared to the results of the first survey, we can see that things have changed a bit! Specifically, the fandom has shifted just a little bit older. The solid majority of the fandom is still in the 15-17 year old range, but it’s gone down from almost half to closer to 40%. Almost a third of the fandom are ages 18-20, up from close to a fifth six months ago. 21-25 year olds have increased from about 10% to about 14%. And the youngest segment, 13-14 year olds, have gone from almost 20% of the fandom down to 12% - the sharpest change of all.

Finally, nearest and dearest to my own heart, there are now 26 whole people in the fandom aged 26-30 and 9 people aged 30+. Old Squad is growing, folks. We are... the 2% 😎 Special shoutout to the person who said their 15 year old kid got them into the fandom. I hope you know just how cool you are.

These results are interesting, but it’s also impossible to say how accurate the data is. This survey and the previous one were only posted on my blog, and they only reached a wider audience through the reblogs of my followers. So do these changes reflect actual changes in the demographics of the fandom as a whole, or is it just that my followers (and the people who follow them) have shifted older? To try to avoid this bias in the future, I may reach out to some well-known younger bloggers and ask them to reblog the next survey I do so that I can reach a more even audience.

Question 2: What is your gender?

Apologies for the small text, but there were so many unique write-in answers that I wanted to include them all. You may want to open the image in a separate tab for better quality.

In contrast to the age question, the gender spread of the fandom has remained pretty much the same. About half the fandom is still female, the nonbinary crowd has increased from 20% to 25%, 7% of us are male, almost 7% are genderfluid, and about 5% are agender. Just like last time, most of the write-in responses fell into the vague categories of either genderqueer or questioning.

No surprises on this one! The fandom continues to be overwhelmingly female and queer. Next time I think I’ll include genderqueer and questioning as options to try to catch some of those people into a formal category. All y’all are so valid, especially the person who wrote in their gender as “soup” <3

The results for questions 3 and 4 will be under a cut, because I don’t want to completely destroy people’s dashes.

Before I get into the last two questions, a couple notes. First, I want to explain how I came up with the list of creators, since a lot of people were either excited or disappointed by the fact that a few different people were on there.

On the last survey, this question was a write-in, and I had to transcribe and collate all the answers by hand to come up with the actual number of people who followed each creator. For this survey, I simply took the list that came out of the previous one and pasted it in! I also added a few people who no one wrote in six months ago but who are much more prominent now (Ranboo being the biggest example). So if you were excited to see your favorite small creator listed as an option, they were there because someone wrote them in last time! And if you wrote in your favorite small creator here, they’ll be an option on the next survey. The list is entirely crowdsourced and it will expand with each survey.

That said, the same also applies for more controversial creators. Specifically, I’m talking about CallMeCarson. Several people questioned my decision to keep him on the list - and to be honest, I considered taking him out. But in the end I decided to leave him in as an option for the sake of completeness and consistency with the previous survey. I want to emphasize that this is not me condoning his actions. But for the sake of the data, I felt that it was best to leave him in.

That said, let’s move on to questions 3 and 4!

Question 3: What creator(s) do you primarily follow?

So, it’s harder to compare with the previous survey on this one, and that’s purely because on the previous survey I didn’t have the help I did here. The chart I was able to make for the results back in October was frankly trash. Also, the fact that I split “followed creators” into two questions - primarily and casually followed - definitely throws things off. However, we can still do a certain amount of comparison!

The most obvious change is Ranboo. He straight up was not on the previous survey at all - I think he’d been streaming for less than a month at the time. Now, about 55% of respondents listed him as someone they primarily follow. The Dream SMP itself has also jumped dramatically. Previously, about 5% of people wrote in Dream SMP. That has increased to over half. Quackity has gone from less than 2% to about 30%. Karl has gone from 4% to 30%. Phil has gone from about 8% to a little under 50%. The SBI have jumped from 11% to over 40%.

Techno has gone from about 50% to over 60%. Tommy has gone from 45% to over 55%. Wilbur has jumped from 43% to 55%. Tubbo has remained steady at about 38%.

Dream has apparently dropped some of his following percentage-wise, falling from 50% to about 35%. However, George, Sapnap, and the Dream Team itself have all jumped from 10-12% to almost 30%.

I’m not going to go over the rest of the list, because that would just get way too long. However, I will drop a link to the spreadsheets of data for this survey and the previous one, so anyone who wants to can do some comparison of their own!

Question 4: What creators do you casually follow?

I won’t do as detailed of a comparison on this question, because there’s nothing to compare it to - this question wasn’t on the previous survey. However, it’s interesting to see how many more people follow Fundy, Nihachu, BadBoyHalo, Captain Puffy, Eret, Awesamdude, and Jack Manifold casually rather than as a primary favorite. Out of the top twelve, Karl, Quackity, Phil, and Tubbo are the only ones who don’t have a major discrepancy between the amount of people who follow them casually versus primarily.

I would be curious to hear people’s thoughts on why that’s the case! Personally, I would guess it’s a combination of each of their approaches to lore on the Dream SMP, the frequency and times of day that they stream, and the people they tend to make content with and be associated with by the fandom. I may go into that more later, but this post is already very long, so I’ll hold off for now. Here’s a link to this question’s spreadsheet for anyone who wants to take a closer look!

...And that’s a wrap! Good grief, this got long. Kudos to anyone who actually read the whole thing because I know my attention span would be challenged. I’m already thinking about the next survey - a couple people suggested that I add in questions about orientation and nationality, and while I want to keep the survey pretty tight in its scope, I am considering it. It would be even more data to process but it would be interesting to know!

I would love to hear people’s thoughts on these results! I’m only one person, so I know there’s interesting stuff I must have missed. Please, please feel free to reblog with your thoughts and observations! A lot of work went into this (both from me and from Cupid and Kal! Thank you guys again!), so I’m really hoping to hear what people think about it :D

I plan to reblog this and reply to some of the things people wrote in at the end, so stay tuned for that. And once again: thank you all for your interest in this project of mine <3 See you with another one in six months!

[autcore]

hi, so im questioning my romantic attraction and i saw that u identify as aroqueer, i know this is kinda invasive (u don't have to answer if u r not comfortable) but how do u feel as an aroqueer? im so confused rn.

Hey there, I've been thinking about how to answer this since I got it.

In honesty, I coined aroqueer so I didn't have to think about this stuff anymore. My experience with orientation and attraction is personal, so what I say won't be something you can apply to yourself, at least not directly.

I'm going to try and answer both things I think you could be asking: "what does it feel like to be aroqueer?", and "what do you feel like that made you coin aroqueer?"

What does it feel like to be aroqueer? There isn't one defining aroqueer experience. To be aroqueer simply means you're on the aromantic spectrum (anywhere) and identify as queer wholly or partially because of that. Saying you're aroqueer is saying "I'm aro, that makes me queer, and I don't have to explain any more than that." My intention with aroqueer was to make a label that would do the following things:

Prioritise people's aromanticism (as it is often erased, even within aspec spaces)

Acknowledge people's queerness

Highlight the inherent queerness of aromantic experiences (many aro experiences involve rejecting heteronormativity and amatonormativity, there is also a frankly massive proportion of trans and nonbinary folk within the aro community)

What do I feel like that made me coin aroqueer? I'm autistic, and romance is a social construct, so I don't see it or buy into it the way allistic/neurotypical folk do. Previously I've used terms like aroflux, arovague, and greyromantic to describe my experience but none of them really worked for me because just when I thought I'd nailed down my labels, something would change. I gave up trying to find a way of accurately describing the intricacies of my orientation and instead chose to make a term that was as broad as I could make it while still describing the essence of what I was feeling.

I hope this helps! Being aroqueer is different for everyone, but if you're on the arospec and feel like that's a queer experience for you, then you meet the definition of aroqueer, whether or not you choose to use it. Feel free to ask more if you have any more questions.

(If you're aroqueer and reading this, feel free to add on your experiences, more perspectives will be useful for reference!)

[templeofalice]

Just replying in the asks to your reply on the usage-of-the-word-queer post, you know which one.

I think the LGBTQ community should both put aside our differences and highlight them; we're not supposed to fight EACH OTHER over, frankly, silly things like this when we could just take a moment to sit down and listen to one another's experiences and show respect to each other's unique experiences. That is where the highlighting of differences comes in; if we all respect each other's thoughts and personal emotions I think that creates a good community setting. Nobody should be called something they don't want to be called, and nobody should be burned at the stake for not being in the loop. Regional and cultural as well as age differences play a big part in what terminology you use and don't use, and I, personally, think it's much better to have that in mind when talking to people instead of making assumptions and jumping on them - which applies to any and all sides of this discussion. But that's just my thoughts, it'd be interesting to hear somebody else's take on this.

Sorry if this is jumbled, it's very late here and English is not my first language lol. Have a nice day!

Don't apologize!😊I understand everything you said perfectly and your English is fantastic. I agree with everything you've said so far. It's nice... really nice... to hear someone make sense. Good sense. There are a million different viewpoints because there are a million different people affected. The community has embraced so many new folks and provided acceptance for those who had no idea where they fit in. The best part is - within this community - we don't have to fit into anyone's cookie cutter. Queer pretty much covers it all. Sadly, the allies and adjacent persons close to us expect us to educate them and that just gets old after awhile. I'm fine with any term a person feels comfortable with. My best friend says gay to describe the entire umbrella. I'm fine with it because it's less traumatic for her if she has less to keep up with. Intent is the most important part imho. Most people recognize a slur of any kind for what it is. Body language and tone certainly play a role. I know if I hear the word queer come out of my mother's mouth... she isn't being nice. Being respectful would go a long way. Not just for gay people, Christian people or bartentders, whoever... but for ALL people. If we could just try to be kind and relax a little. I'm not going to the mat with someone who uses a decriptive word incorrectly. But I don't tolerate hate that's been driven by fear.

Please feel free to comment or ask clarifying questions if you like. This has been an enlightening experience. All my best!😍

[panharmonium]

Hey, do you ship merthur? I have conflicted feelings about it because Merlin does love Arthur but also their relationship is kinda shitty.

short answer: i do not

longer answer: i might not be the right person to ask about this, because i don’t really “ship” anything?  it’s not how i engage with fandom.  (disclaimer: this is not a value judgment of folks who do engage with fandom that way.  just an explanation of how my own brain works.)

extra long answer: under the cut, because i suppose it was only a matter of time before someone asked me about merlin/arthur, and i might as well put my entire response in one place so that next time, i can just link to it.

questions like this are a little tough for me to answer, because i am completely uninterested in romance as a premise.  if it’s not there, i don’t care.  if it is there, i often wish it weren’t, because it’s almost never developed in a way that lives up to my standards.  i don’t always mind if something contains romantic relationships (provided they’re written well), but i don’t want them to be the point of a story.  i honestly cannot think of anything less interesting to me than a story that has as its main plotline “x character falls in love with y character.”  for me, in my brain, it’s like, “okay...that’s it?  do you have anything else to say?”  there is literally nothing about that that i care about.

this can be a little difficult to navigate in fandom, because one of the oft-heard commendations of “fandom” is ‘gosh, fandom is so wonderful, we can watch the same two characters fall in love again and again and again in a million different scenarios!’  which is true, for the people who care about that sort of thing, but that’s not actually ‘fandom.’  that’s shipping.  and there’s nothing wrong with shipping, but shipping and fandom are not the same thing, and they’ve become so conflated that it can be very difficult to engage in the latter without being absolutely swamped by the former.

many times, for me, fandom can feel synonymous with shipping.  there was a post i reblogged recently whose tags described shipping as often feeling like a prerequisite to engaging with fandom, and that is often what it feels like to me, particularly in fandoms where one ship is so ubiquitous that any and all other material is utterly dwarfed by it in scale.  (for me, my last two major fandoms have been merlin and teen wolf, so - i’m sure you see my dilemma, heh.)

all of that said, in terms of arthur and merlin specifically...

disclaimer: everything i say here is relevant to me only.  these are my own feelings.  i am making this post on my own blog, in my own space, in response to a question about my own thoughts.  i do not want, expect, or need anyone else to share these thoughts.  any commentary i make about fandom trends is not equivalent to condemnations of individual people’s opinions or shipping habits.  i do not mind or take issue with folks who ship these two characters.  i am glad you are having fun.  please do not @ me about something you disagree with.  i promise you it is not necessary.

okay.  with that out of the way.  

part of me is reluctant to expound further on this question, because my personal philosophy is that merlin and arthur as a ship have had more than enough time and space devoted to them in this fandom (way more than their share, frankly) and i generally prefer to focus on merlin and the other people in his life, as a deliberate counter to that.  but, since you asked, and because i have been experiencing the “i’m tired of romance” bug more strongly lately, here is the long-form version.

the number one reason why i don’t ship arthur and merlin is what i already outlined above: i don’t really “ship” anything.  i have never looked at two characters who were not already together/on an obvious potential path to being together and said “i want them to fall in love.”  that has just never happened to me.  (again - it’s not a BAD thing to have this happen, it’s just not something that’s ever happened to me.  i can’t relate to the experience.)

therefore, when i do appreciate a romantic relationship, it’s pretty much always because canon has shown me something romantic (or clearly pre-romantic) that i find to be well-written and compelling.  (it’s rare - as i outlined before, i would usually rather not deal with romance at all - but it happens.)  

arthur and merlin, then, never had that effect on me, because arthur and merlin, as depicted in the canon, are not in love.

[to anybody reading this who just snatched up their keyboard and started furiously typing, i beg you - please go back and re-read my disclaimer.]

they’re not in love.  the truth about these two is that if i had watched this show without having grown up in fandom as a culture (and without knowing exactly what kind of ships fandom immediately sees EVERYWHERE) the idea of anybody shipping these two together would never have even entered my mind.

(and like.  because i DID grow up in fandom, and i DO know exactly what kind of ships fandom sees everywhere, i knew before i even started this show that arthur/merlin was going to be an inescapable thing.  but that would not have been the case, if i had watched the series in a world where i didn’t know what fandom was.)

arthur and merlin, in canon, are not in love.  the show never does anything to give me an inkling that either of them are harboring romantic feelings for each other.  that is never what is happening onscreen.  literally the last thing on merlin’s agenda is romantic attachment, ever, and arthur is never, ever shown to be in love with anyone who isn’t gwen.  the show, onscreen, never tricks me, teases me, or leads me on.  i was never under the impression that merlin and arthur were in love with each other, because they weren’t.

but that DOES NOT MEAN their relationship matters less.  just because they aren’t IN love with each other doesn’t mean they don’t love each other, and one of those things is not bigger or better or more powerful than the other.

i struggle a lot in fandom (all fandom, not just merlin) with the persistent idea that romantic attachment is the peak, the natural endpoint on a scale of “how deep is your love?”  i am constantly running up against posts where the commonly accepted structure is to cite a moment of devotion or caring or some instance of basic connection between two characters, and then add a caption or tag saying ‘because they are JUST FRIENDS, right?’ or ‘^^totally platonic interaction between characters who are not at all in love, sure jan.’  

and honestly?  i hate that.  that is one of my least favorite things about fandom.  it makes me so tired.  

i am completely disconnected from this idea that there are like...things you can do that are too caring to count as friendship.  like - that there is too much devotion you can show, and if you go over the limit, then it’s laughable that you would do those things for “just” a friend.  that’s so unpleasant to me.

(and i do think [when it comes to non-canon queer ships, anyway - straight ships unfortunately have no excuse, sorry y’all] that part of this probably has its roots in pushback at the tendency of people who try to “gal pal” actual queer ships (or literal real life relationships), so this, at least, is something i can understand.  i’m queer myself; i get that.  and that is why i will never like - attach myself to someone’s post and start complaining.  people can vent however they want.)

it doesn’t change my own feelings, though.  i hate seeing every meaningful friendship i’ve ever been invested in talked about like it’s just a romance in disguise.

other things: i am uninterested in romance as a motivator.  

truly, from the bottom of my heart, i don’t care.

we are, at least in my corner of the world, oversaturated with romance, to the point where any piece of media that doesn’t include it in some fashion is shockingly bizarre.  it is EVERYWHERE.  it is in EVERYTHING.  i cannot pick up a book without running into a romantic plotline.  i cannot watch a movie or a tv show without being forced into multiple romances that i don’t care about.  (rare exceptions apply, as always, but i’m speaking generally.)

this oversaturation, for me, means that romance as a storyline no longer holds any meaning for me.  i see it EVERYWHERE.  it is in literally EVERYTHING.  making merlin into a “love story,” for me, makes the show so much less interesting, because there are billions of love stories out there.  love stories are practically the only kind of story our media remembers how to tell!  why would i take a story that is so unique in its exploration of deep friendship (that isn’t even quite friendship, because it’s not real, but merlin wants it to be real, but making it real would also destroy it) and loyalty (that isn’t necessarily deserved, but is still offered, but is damaging to the person offering it) and love (that exists in spite of arthur’s position as the oppressor, but still cannot erase merlin’s oppression, and is patently not a magical fix for the very real problems merlin is facing), and then want to water it down to “and then they fell in love”???

merlin bbc has so much to say about the transformative, redemptive power of love (not just romance), and the bonds we form with each other despite the fact that we don’t always deserve each other, and what we can do to make ourselves better, and how do we make amends for the ways in which we hurt the people we care about, and it is so complicated and there is so much beauty there and i adore it specifically because it is one of the rare pieces of media out there that doesn’t prop up romantic love as the most important and powerful force in the universe.  romantic love is not what moves the story.  merlin’s love for the people around him is based on compassion.  it’s bigger than the familiar and overused ‘i am desperately in love with this one individual person and that’s what drives my actions,” which is a premise all of us know has been done to death.  merlin’s love is not about romantic attachment.  it’s a deep, abiding love for humanity.  it’s based on hope, and faith, and the inherent belief that everybody matters, even in their worst moments.

condensing that kind of story into “and then they fell in love” erases its meaning for me.  it makes it trite.  uninteresting.  i have seen “and then they fell in love” fully sixty thousand times.  “and then they fell in love” has been done so often that it is utterly devoid of power for me.  boring.   i literally do not care.

other people might feel differently, and find a romantic love story compelling.  i don’t.  

i’m guessing the message that prompted this essay is asking me to evaluate how i feel about the “goodness” of the merlin/arthur ship, aka whether it’s worthwhile to ship it or not based on how healthy/unhealthy it is, which i definitely can’t answer, because i don’t think whether it’s “good” or not really matters.  i am definitely too old to be riding the newer wave of, uh...idk, purity culture type stuff that is so oft-debated on here, lately.

but you’re absolutely right, anon - merlin and arthur’s relationship IS kinda shitty!  it 100% is.  it doesn’t mean you can’t ship them, though, if you want; otherwise i wouldn’t be invested in any aspect of their friendship, either.  

the fact that merlin and arthur’s relationship is kinda shitty is an essential element of the show; it’s the microcosmic representation of the macrocosmic problem merlin is trying to solve, and even with that being the case, we can see clearly that this also doesn’t preclude them from having real moments of connection and care and love.  this is the contradiction i have to keep in mind whenever i engage with them in the friendship sense - merlin has been wronged by arthur in so many ways, and yet he still loves him and believes arthur can do better, and yet his dedication to arthur really does destroy his life piece by piece, and you really have to walk a line between those extremes and be thinking: in what ways was this a noble, honorable path for merlin to take and in what ways was this damaging, and was it all worth it in the end?

we probably wouldn’t still be watching this show if we didn’t ultimately think the answer to that last question was yes.  but there are also equally valid ways in which the answer is, truthfully, no, and i think really the only important thing when dealing with merlin and arthur’s relationship (in whatever capacity you prefer) is to keep that dissonance in mind.

so, to more directly address your question, when it comes to my interaction with the source material, i don’t ship merlin and arthur romantically because i don’t see romance when they interact in canon, and i don’t think their relationship could be improved or made more interesting/more meaningful by adding extra-canonical romance into the mix.  that’s really it.

but the other side of things is this: even if i were granted someone else’s ship-goggles to somehow see romance between these two (eg, once, in the distant past i read a harry potter fic that was so well-constructed it sold me on a relationship i didn’t [and still don’t] actually see in canon), i still wouldn’t choose to ship merlin and arthur, and it’s not because they’re a “bad” ship (no such thing, folks - tag your stuff and let people live their lives, thank you), it’s because this fandom has already been swallowed by them and i cannot bring myself to make that imbalance worse.

trying to be in the merlin fandom without shipping merlin and arthur is just...a little bit difficult sometimes.  i think probably even people who do ship merlin/arthur are aware of that.  sometimes it can feel like merlin/arthur is a given in this fandom, not one of many options - as if you’re not in the merlin fandom, but rather the merthur fandom, and you know you really, really do not belong there.

and it’s not even a canonical ship!  it’s not even real.  and yet if you like this show, and you want to engage in the fandom, your experience is, without exception, going to be chock full of merlin/arthur content by default.

essentially, my struggle with the merlin/arthur dynamic in fandom is two-fold:

1) the strikingly imbalanced content distribution

the merlin fandom, in terms of content distribution, is a pretty accurate mirror of merlin’s own existence, to be honest, in that pretty much every aspect of it is eventually taken over by arthur pendragon, and in that there’s a reasonable debate to be had about whether or not that’s a good thing.

(spoiler alert: it’s not.)

even so, it is what it is, and as i said before, me commenting on fandom trends is not meant as a condemnation of individual preferences.  people like what they like!  that’s just how things are.  shipping arthur and merlin isn’t a Bad thing to do, by any means, and the fact that so many people do is just, you know, bad luck for me, lol.  but at the same time, the wildly unbalanced distribution of content does make it more difficult for folks who don’t ship merlin/arthur to engage in fandom with quite the same level of ease, and even though it’s nobody’s fault, it is still perfectly reasonable for people who don’t ship merlin/arthur to be frustrated about that.

fanfic is a pretty good case study for how this plays out.  i saw a post a while back that was titled something like ‘merlin bbc gothic,’ and the first bullet point was “canon ships are rarepairs,” and HOO BOY, that is true.  stats-wise, merlin/arthur makes up ⅔ of the merlin fic on AO3.  ~25,000 fics.  the next most popular tag after merlin/arthur is arthur/gwen, but arthur/gwen have ~2,900 fics in their tag.  and when you remember to exclude any instance of merlin/arthur from the arthur/gwen tag, that number drops by another thousand, to ~1,940.

that’s buckwild.  come on.  merlin/arthur has twenty-three THOUSAND more fics than the next most popular (and CANONICAL, i might add) ship?  and every other ship’s numbers are even lower than that?*

and if you don’t want to read shippy stuff in the first place, like me - the merlin “gen” tag has less than 8000 fics in it, by comparison, and then you STILL have to filter merlin/arthur out of the gen fics, leaving you with about 6300 - which number has to be filtered down further to remove OTHER ships that still make it past the gen filter.

in comparison to 25,000.

like.  i’ve been in fandom long enough that i’m not surprised - mean, i came into merlin directly off a teen wolf phase, and boy, that’s a whole other bowl of noodles right there, with added squick factors that are irrelevant here - but i’m still just...man. 

it still makes my head spin.  and it is still frustrating, every time.

*(there is a lot more to be said about how gwen fits into all of this, and i know it has been discussed more thoroughly in other places, but yes, another reason i am leery of arthur/merlin as a thing is that i’m just...not super comfortable with what that implies for gwen and her position in the story.  even if i personally am slightly more compelled by gwen/lancelot, technically - i still don’t quite feel comfortable taking gwen out of her canonical place.  she belongs at the top.  she deserves to be the love interest and she deserves to be the queen.  and like - people can say that her relationship with arthur isn’t “developed” or “convincing” enough to warrant retaining in fic, and i get it, the show really did fail gwen in S5 - but i still don’t buy that argument.  people literally INVENTED a romantic relationship for themselves and put 25,000 fics worth of effort into building it up; there is no reason why an “underdeveloped” canon romance couldn’t have gotten the same treatment.  except, of course, for the fact that one [Black, female] character was being shoved aside to make way for yet another two white dudes.)

(and i’m not saying that everyone is doing this deliberately or maliciously.  but we all know this is a cross-fandom trend.  there is literally no reason for the gap in content to be THAT wide.  a canon relationship with twenty-three thousand fewer fics than an invented ship?  just...that is a stat that bears thinking about.  it doesn’t mean that merlin/arthur is a “bad” ship, or that you can’t prefer lancelot/gwen, but it IS still important to recognize these patterns where they occur, across fandoms, and to really think about what they mean.)

2) the arthur-goggles

my second struggle with merlin/arthur in fandom is the ubiquitousness of the arthur-goggles, aka: the tendency in fandom, as in canon, to make everything in merlin’s life about arthur, and everything in the show about merthur.

this one specifically really gets to me.  i am very committed to the idea that merlin is a complete individual, whether arthur is there or not.  i write a LOT of meta about merlin being a whole person, specifically pushing back on the idea that merlin was “born” for arthur’s benefit - my motto is basically that “merlin’s life does not revolve around arthur pendragon,” and the way his life begins to revolve around arthur pendragon in later seasons is not in fact touching or romantic or beautiful; it’s a tragedy.  merlin does not exist only in the context of his relationship with arthur; he possesses worth outside of his mission to save the prince of camelot, and he was already a complete person before he ever met the prince of camelot, and one of the many issues we have to think about when dealing with arthur and merlin in any capacity is how merlin is told from the get-go that he is supposed to devote his whole life to arthur, but arthur is never given any such reciprocal responsibility.  

merlin and arthur’s relationship, just like the distribution of content in this fandom, is wildly imbalanced.  merlin spends all of his spare time thinking about arthur’s life; he ties himself in knots trying to help arthur develop as a person.  he is constantly working to keep arthur safe and happy.  but arthur, at the end of a long day, doesn’t spend his nights agonizing over how he can improve merlin’s life.  he just goes home and goes to bed.  he never once thinks, ‘my purpose on this earth is to serve and support my friend merlin.’  he is never told his life isn’t his own, that he is supposed to be one half of some two-sided coin.  only merlin is told that his entire existence is earmarked for someone else, that his life’s purpose is to be someone else’s better half.  only merlin is expected to devote his entire being to someone else’s betterment.  only merlin is expected to say demeaning, self-abnegating things like “i was born to serve you.”  

arthur, by contrast, is allowed to have a life of his own.  he is allowed to exist on his own terms.  he is never told that his worth is dependent on how well he can prop someone else up.  and while fic might like to imagine merlin being the most important thing in arthur’s life, in canon that is just not the case.  

merlin exists on his own merits, and the idea that he does everything he does just because “he’s in love with arthur” will never sit right with me, because it’s simply not true.  merlin and arthur’s relationship is important to both of them, yes, and of course it is undergirded by deep love and care, but it is also way more complicated than that.  merlin’s investment in arthur’s life - and his grief at arthur’s death - are NOT solely driven by his love for arthur as an individual; they are inextricably bound up with a sense of obligation and duty and self-worth and, eventually, failure, because he’s been told that protecting arthur is a) the only thing that matters about his own life and b) the only way to free his people and save an entire kingdom.  and i think ignoring this very real complexity in favor of “merlin does what he does and feels what he feels because he’s in love with arthur” cheapens the depth of the story and flattens merlin’s character.

arthur-goggles automatically make everything about merlin/arthur, though.  so the difficulty, for me, with merlin/arthur as a ship, is that it can be hard to make/find things about merlin that people don’t instantly, always try to link back to arthur in some way.  merlin is not allowed to have things that are just his, and he can’t exist in a state where arthur doesn’t somehow factor in - no matter how unrelated to arthur something is, or how non-shippy it’s meant to be - there’s someone out there who’s going to loop it back to merthur in some way.

just like - scattered examples of things I’ve encountered:

all of merlin’s non-arthur love interests on AO3 having massive chunks of their ship tags actually being merthur fics, with the non-arthur ship serving solely as a stepping stone on the way to getting merlin and arthur together

readers, on fics that are specifically designated as focusing on merlin+someone else and in which arthur does not appear, leaving comments asking “so how long until arthur shows up,” “can’t wait to see arthur,” etc

meta about how ‘merlin’s time in camelot was actually really bad for him as a person’ being reblogged and modified by someone else with an addition like “but merlin doesn’t regret a second of it because he wouldn’t have known arthur if he were anywhere else,” and the OP having to reblog their own post and explain that this is literally the exact problem they were trying to critique

in fic, merlin’s friends being utilized only as vessels with whom he can have discussions about his developing relationship with arthur

etc etc

it’s not always huge egregious things, but wearing arthur-goggles means EVERYTHING comes back to merthur in some way, which for me is just...really insulting to other characters, and really limiting in terms of story analysis.  

so, for example - this is a VERY specific example that few will relate to, because i am probably the only person on here who has ever tried to search the tag for merlin’s friend will from ealdor (a niche fave of mine) - but with him, especially, it is very hard to avoid bumping into a lot of people wearing arthur-goggles, because everybody seems to imagine him as merlin’s ex, who is only upset about what’s going on in 1.10 because he’s jealous about arthur appearing alongside merlin, never mind that will and merlin have known each other since birth and have a relationship that LITERALLY predates arthur by two decades.

so with him, as an example - the other day, i saw some post in the tag that was like “will gets teary when arthur makes his inspirational speech in ealdor because he finally understands what merlin sees in arthur and he can’t be mad anymore”

and that is just patently untrue.  it is not even remotely close to a legitimate interpretation of what is happening in that scene.  will hasn’t come around to arthur’s way of thinking yet; he literally still packs his things and leaves after this happens, and he is - i mean, first of all, he’s not crying, lol, and he stalks out of that scene weary, angry, and fed up, because he thinks the village is delusional and all of his neighbors are going to get killed in the morning.  his arc - his dissatisfaction with what is going on, his anger at the ignorance arthur wields as a nobleman with all of that wealth and privilege, his resistance to the big “let’s fight kanen’s men with sticks” plan - that is about him and his history and who he is.  it is not about an (imaginary) merlin/arthur love story.  

but when the arthur-goggles are on, all roads lead to merthur.  even when the other characters in question (*coughWILLIAMcough*) would be beyond mortified to have merthur, of all things, assigned as their motivation.

SO.  now that i’ve gone over both the canon and fandom aspects of my reasoning, the succinct summary in response to your question is just that no, i don’t personally ship merlin/arthur.  because:

a) i don’t see it b) the fandom is already trying to drown me with it and i choose to center other characters out of spite c) i just think merlin deserves better lol

however, as i said in my disclaimer - that doesn’t mean other people shouldn’t ship and enjoy it!   merlin/arthur is very much not my cup of tea, but that’s no reason why other folks can’t have fun with it.  i think the best portrayals of it, probably, will be those that keep in mind exactly what you said - that merlin and arthur’s relationship is “kinda shitty” - but this is fandom, so if what folks really want to write is just lots of happy AU’s with no issues, then they should go for it!  the point of fandom is to have fun connecting with people over a shared love of something, so i am happy to let others have fun doing their thing, and i will just be over here doing mine. 🙂

[scriptlgbt]

My story is about pirates. The MC is a trans guy and the captain is a lesbian who is some sort of big sister/mother figure to him. It's quite violent. I was wondering if it could be problematic? I know it's problematic to show trans woman being overly violent in fiction but what about cis lesbians and straight trans guys? Also, do you know about real any queer pirates i could read about? And what did pirates think about homosexuality/transness?) How was it being queer in the pirate world?

A conversation that I had, that is relevant:

ME: [PARTNER], do you know anything about queer pirates?

PARTNER: I know that there were many, and they’d sometimes be like -

ME: Sea husbands kind of thing?

PARTNER: Yeah, and one would inherit from the other’s booty, and when it was divided up, they’d share their share of the booty.

ME: [mischievous grinning face]

PARTNER: [nodding] And they might share each other’s booty.

Disclaimer: This whole thing is going to largely focus on what is known as the Golden Age Of Piracy. I’m also not a historian, I just hardcore, love pirates with my heart and soul. This is going to be a long post.

So, this is super generalized, but pirates, and even sea-faring folks in general (see: - or sea, hahahahaha - the LGBT+ history of Brighton in the UK), have tended to have a much higher rate of LGBT+ folks and minoritized people in general, throughout history. As far as most research I’ve done goes. Being in a travelling situation and having the anonymity of being able to move around with chosen family generally has great appeal to folks whose existences are filled with oppression and a sense of not belongingness. This has also applied for racialized people, women in general, impoverished folks in general, a lot of different people who wanted to reclaim a place in the world that ostracized them.

Another fun fact, the use of the term “Friend of Dorothy” as a euphemism for gay folks was investigated by the US Navy. They misunderstood it as meaning that there actually was a woman named Dorothy who could be routed down and coerced into outing her “friends” to the military. Cruise ships and others have also used this phrase to covertly advertise that there were meetings for these folks. (Source: Wikipedia | “Friend of Dorothy”) 

But to get to the pirates, specifically.

Most pirate ships largely had their own code that everyone on their ship had to agree to. Some had things like, “you’ll be marooned with one knife, and no food if you are caught not reporting loot to be divvied up by the crew fairly” and things like that. But generally, whoever ran the ship, the Captain, would get to pick the rules. And with the partial-democracy that comes with the idea of mutiny, and the more notable reliance on the labour of it all, in general, things were able to be slightly more consensus-based than the on-land governments.

There are numerous women who became pirates to take ownership of their lives in ways that weren’t permitted on-land. Anne Bonny and Mary Read are historical figures that might be worth looking into. The two of them shared lovers, sailed together, had intense care for one and other and with their dressing up in masculine-coded attire and the like, there’s a lot to go off of in assuming they may have been romantically involved with each other. If not, at least they had some iteration of what a lot of contemporary folks might find comparable to a QPR.

The concept of “sea husbands” was also called matelotage (or bunkmate) depending on your crew. It was kind of the buddy system, but gayer. With little need to consistently explain it to outsiders, folks at sea were freer to explore the different ways a relationship with another person can be, without so much worrying about how it looks to others at a passing glance. And as pirates, there’s less concern that you’ll get shit from the law for gay stuff Of All Things. 

Buccaneer Alexander Exquemelin wrote: ‘It is the general and solemn custom amongst them all to seek out… a comrade or companion, whom we may call partner… with whom they join the whole stock of what they possess.’  (Source)

It was just normal. They also had a version of health insurance where someone was compensated if they ended up disabled from battle. The compensation of death of your partner also works into this.

As for transness, these kinds of things have had fickle definitions and historically, it’s hard to be able to pinpoint specific people as fitting cleanly into contemporary cultural definitions of transness, because frankly, the past had different culture to now. When it comes to writing canonically trans characters in contexts where the language might have been different, it’s important to focus on making sure that a trans reader can identify the personal connection with that character’s experiences and feelings, just as much as it is to use language to name folks as trans. 

Representation can go deeper than surface terminology and the like, and in cases where the terminology doesn’t necessarily match, it has to. Language like, “I never really felt like a [assigned gender] - I see myself more like [desciption of actual gender identity or name for it].” - is as good as just saying the character is trans in my opinion.

Depending on where the character is from, they also may have just outright had a word in their language for their identity. 

Gender presentation was significantly freer with pirates than it was for folks on land. Things like earrings, frilled sleeves, varied hair length and similar, were not uncommon, although the gendered coding associated with these aspects of appearance had different implications than they do now. Gold earrings on seafarers were there to fund a proper burial if someone’s body washed ashore. Gendered clothing was also coded in more binary ways on land. Folks who wanted to be coded as men could do so by wearing pants and folks who wanted to be coded as women could do so with skirts and dresses. (Tangential but fun fact yet again: dressing in those big poofy skirts usually included massive pockets. They were generally not physically attached to the skirts, but if you wore it all properly you would easily be able to reach into them.) 

Pirates and other seafarers also had clothing referred to as ‘slops’ for cleaning (if they were of the rank that cleaned anyway) which were pretty wide-legged pants that could almost pass for a skirt. 

Material that pirates used for clothing was largely what they stole, but it was cut and sewn into the same shapes a lot of other seafarers wore. At the time, it was largely illegal (under English rules anyway) for people who weren’t the bourgeoisie to wear anything made with nice fabric. Rich people saw this as deceitful, and these laws enabled richer people to not mingle on an equal level with those of a lower socioeconomic status.

As pirates, if you’re already shunning the law, may as well wear full calico suits. (Like Calico Jack Rackham.)

There’s more info on pirate and privateer clothing here. (The link is to a free book in HTML format, complete with illustrations and talk of materials, and how the clothes worn at sea varied from clothes they wore when they came into shore and towns.)

I could write a book on this and still not have covered enough. But the gist is that pirates were a big counterculture of outsiders living their lives. LGBT+ people and racialized people got thrown into the mix (and jumped right in) and experienced much more liberated lives than they might otherwise. That isn’t to say they were flawlessly inclusive - there still definitely were a lot of things people thought of in congruence with colonial beliefs. There was racism and homophobia - but it looked a lot different, and was a lot lighter than you’d think. And there were some ships which banned women, but mainly I think that was because they typically didn’t have the background to hold their ground on the ships, and were considered more of a plus one to certain crew members (who brought them - the rules were specifically about bringing them onto the ship rather than them being there of their own accord) than part of the crew. Sometimes women were part of the crew.

Notably, Anne Bonny and Mary Read were in a polyamorous triad with Calico Jack Rackham. (I think a cis + het historian might argue about this but that would seem like denial to me tbh. There is much, MUCH more evidence pointing in this direction than against it, and it would be extraordinarily hard to argue otherwise.) I would definitely do some research on them!

I also recommend this book (link is the free text on WikiSource), A General History of the Robberies and Murders of the most notorious Pyrates. It is perhaps the most famous contemporary record of the lives of a number of pirates from the time, including Anne Bonny and Mary Read.

As for the sensitivity aspect of this ask, I’d say that what you are describing is completely fine. As long as the violence isn’t used to dehumanize or completely demonize, I would even say that I don’t have any warnings for you about it, or precautions to advise on.

Thank you for this opportunity to infodump about LGBT+ pirates. I hope this is not overwhelming, but I’m also happy to parse out segments of this better upon request. (Our ask will be open eventually, I promise.)

- mod nat

[exgaytherapysurvivor]

HOW EMILIE AUTUMN’S ASYLUM FOR WAYWARD VICTORIAN GIRLS HELPS EX GAY THERAPY SURVIVORS

DISCAIMER: If you are actively considering harming yourself it might be wise to postpone this journey into my own little corner of the Asylum for Wayward Victorian Persons. Instead, reach out to a mental health professional or call your country’s crisis hotline. Best wishes for your recovery.

As a conversion therapy survivor I tend to look at the world through different lenses than a lot of folks. And that includes how I consume books and music. Recently it struck me that Emilie Autumn’s book The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls and it’s corresponding songs are practically tailor made to be relatable for CT survivors such as myself.

The plot revolves around Emilie Autumn in a modern day psych ward, and her Victorian era counter part Emily with a Y, who’s letters she finds in her note book. Accounts of the psych ward and Asylum letters are interspersed, and similarities between modern and old time psychiatric “care” are frankly discussed.

Besides the other girls that are falsely considered mad, for reasons elaborated on in the song Girls! Girls! Girls!, which I will get to shortly, a number of the girls are lesbians and what is being done to them certainly fits the definition of conversion therapy in some of its most pernicious forms. The main character Emily seems to be falling for her fellow inmate Veronica before Veronica’s death at the hands of Doctor Stockill.

Autumn herself is bisexual, and outspoken about her love of the ladies, particularly during her shows. I even got to interact with her on Instagram when I made a post about being an inmate by virtue of my conversion therapy experience. She commented saying,

“I am so proud of you, and honored to march by your side, my fellow inmate.” Now that I’ve set the stage let me move on to the music, and the songs I think most apply to the queer experience.

PRIVATE PRACTICE: This song takes place in the modern mental hospital, and is a conversation between Emilie and Dr. Sharpe. In the song the doctor tries to gaslight her into thinking her usual psychiatrist isn’t any good and she has more wrong with her than just Biplolar Disorder.

“let me help you Emilie, let me fix you Emilie!” Sound familiar? The song even contains religious imagery when Emilie Autumn sings,

“I know this illness is my curse to wear, my cross to bear.” Of course he has ulterior motives, which she figures out by the end of the duet.

SPIDER’S FACE: This one is a metaphor for organized religion. Doctor Stockill brags that he’s going to infect the world with the plague and then bask in their money and adoration when he gives them the remedy. They’ll never ask where it came from. Sort of like how religion creates so much shame around sexuality and then promises to cure what it created with various ineffective and sometimes harmful means.

GIRLS! GIRLS! GIRLS! : Beside admitting straight out that some of the girls are there because they are lesbians, the whole flavor of the song reminds of the dark underbelly that often accompanies ex gay therapy: child exploitation.

GASLIGHT: The title is both literal in the sense that the Asylum is lit by gas but anyone who has looked into narcistic abuse knows the other meaning of this word, which is essentially to try to make someone feel like they are crazy when they are telling the truth. The stark reality of a queer person trapped in a conversion camp really comes through in the lines,

“I hold tight to any hands I see, but nothing is alright, their always watching me. And no one’s coming to take me home.” The imminent possibility of death and the frustrating ignorance of people when it comes to the cruelties taking place under their very noses are also discussed.

I DON’T UNDERSTAND: This is a duet between Emily and Thomson, a man hired to photograph the girls at the asylum. It’s musically beautiful, and reminds me of the way the LGBT community expressed concern and pity upon seeing me broken. It’s a reminder that there’s always humanity even in a broken world

FROM THE GUTTER TO THE STARS: Another duet, this one between Emily and Veronica. It expresses the strength of will queer people express in order to survive and make beauty in the worst of times. Also worthy of note the line,

“Yes I know they could separate us. They don’t even hate us, it’s just what they do.” How many times have we all heard lines like “Hate the sin, love the sinner” and “This is for your own good” coming from people who are hurting us horribly.

TIME FOR TEA: I included this one not for its profundity but for it’s sheer satisfying factor. Finally some justice is befalling the tormentors of the inmates. Many of the implements mentioned as the inmates arm themselves are things that are used in aversion therapy; now they are turned upon the abusers.

START ANOTHER STORY: A softer song about trusting your truth and leaving the past behind as you recover.

ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER: Where to even start with this one. So inspirational, I’m tempted to write all the lyrics out right here, but I’ll just say that it perfectly encapsulates the process of recovering from trauma. Learning to live without an enemy to fight, committing to your own values, and building something beautiful out of the wreckage are central themes.

“How do we change the world to what we want it to be? How do we move beyond all of this misery? One foot in front of the other foot…”

INSPIRATIONAL SONGS FOR CT SURVIVORS FROM FIGHT LIKE A GIRL AND OPHALIAC

FIGHT LIKE A GIRL:

1. The title track, Fight Like a Girl, is a girl power anthem for the ages, but still includes boys who have been through suffering

2. If I Burn is a revenge promise for those who torment the innocent and drive them to madness and suicidal thoughts. “If I burn, so will you.”

3. The Key, “It’s time this house was ours, it’s time we take it back, it’s time for bloody war, IT’S TIME FOR THE ATTACK!” Need I say more?

4. Time for Tea, for reasons previously discussed

5. One Foot in Front of the Other, previously discussed recovery chant

OPHELIAC

1. I Want My Innocence Back, though dark in the sense that the writer has been grievously wrong, is also a bold “don’t fuck with me” statement, promising ruin on the person if they can’t return what was stolen

2. Misery Loves Company is pretty light hearted, and may seem at first glance like a song about a relationship, but contains the lines “pray for me you fucker if you fucking dare!” A familiar emotion to those of us in the queer community, especially those who have been told to “pray the gay away”

3. Gothic Lolita is one that requires discretion, as it discusses the painful subject of CSA, but if you can handle the themes, the pay out in the form of retribution on the villain is worth it.

4. I Know Where you Sleep seems to be about a fake narcissistic person whose public image depends on the silence of their victims. This song breaks that silence. With a bang.

In conclusion I would highly recommend checking out the book and the music for yourself. Follow Emilie Autumn on Instagram and be blessed by her love and creativity. All the best to you my fellow survivors.

[ebp-brain]

thoughts on “gay panic”

Here’s my two cents on the notion that no one should use the term “gay panic” to mean “I’m gay and panicking” because of its violent history: I respectfully disagree.

I know the history of the term–the appallingly homophobic legal strategy of the “gay panic defense” that claims a perpetrator of a homophobic and/or transphobic hate crime lost control due to the victim’s sexual and/or gender identity. This legal strategy has been used to justify, and mitigate the sentence for, homophobic and transphobic hate crimes, and is still sometimes used today. It is unequivocally an appalling and violent practice.

This is actually why I am not disturbed—why I am in fact cautiously hopeful—to learn that the phrase “gay panic” is being used in a very different way: because the reclamation of a term used to describe a violently homophobic and transphobic practice can help undercut the belief system behind that practice. Specifically, this much more benign use of the term “gay panic” helps rewire the psychological link between queerness and terror. It does not end violence or deny trauma; rather, it works to diminish, even trivialize, the morally bankrupt but culturally powerful notion that someone’s sexuality and/or gender identity is panic-inducing. Let me say again: this does not mean pretending no queer people are subject to violence. It means refusing to treat a transparently homophobic and transphobic legal defense with the gravity that gives it its continuing psychological and cultural power.

I want to break this down into smaller parts.

1. I am, frankly, pleased and relieved that many young queer people don’t know about the “gay panic defense.” Is it important to know our history? Yes. Is it important to know when that history continues into the present? Yes. Does not knowing the history of a term signal a certain amount of privilege? Possibly, though it also signals a failure of various school systems to educate students on queer history. What it also means, though, is that there are a significant number of queer folks, many of them on the younger side, whose primary association with the phrase “gay panic” is “I’m a disaster gay and I’m freaking out because that queer person is so attractive!” They hear the words “gay” and “panic” together and they come up with the sweetly self-deprecating conclusion that they are the ones panicking. They didn’t grow up believing that the words “gay” and “panic” are inevitably linked by someone else’s homophobic and/or transphobic panic. Should they be aware that many people did and do grow up that way? Yes! But I don’t resent them for their feelings of safety and comfort in their identities. I want them to feel safe and comfortable.

2. I don’t think the term “gay panic” is actually, in and of itself, a slur. The legal strategy of the “gay panic defense” is an abhorrent practice. But we are talking about language here: is the term itself so contaminated by its violent history that it is scorched earth, never to be inhabited again? There’s something about slurs hurled in schools and on the streets that can make them conjure a visceral gut-punch reaction; they have been shouted during acts of intimidation and violence. I may not agree that slurs cannot be reclaimed, but I understand the logic. But I’ve never heard of anyone saying “I’m in a gay panic right now because of your sexual and/or gender identity” while beating someone up. The violence of the legal system is real and terrible—that is, again, not up for debate here—but the term “gay panic” (or “gay panic defense”) seems qualitatively different from a slur because it is, basically, a bullshit rhetorical attempt to make hate crimes seem psychologically justified. The term is meant to obscure violence, to distance the perpetrator from the crime, to deny guilt. It’s a trick of language.

3. It is therefore the ideal sort of term for queer people to play our own tricks on. We must not deny that many queer people live in terror. We must also remember that our goal is to reduce that terror. Language shapes cultural attitudes; the words we say affect what we believe. They are not an alternative to direct political action or learning about our past and present; rather, they are part of action and of learning. The way we use language matters. I’m not saying “whatever, ‘gay panic’ is just words; it doesn’t matter how we use the term.” It does matter. That’s the point.

4. You may disagree with my analysis of the phrase and argue that it is a slur, that it is itself a violent term with the capacity to evoke centuries of trauma and oppression. You may certainly feel discomfort or fear upon hearing it, sense the specters of trauma and terror creeping closer, remember that you are subject to the violence of strangers. I certainly have no business telling you that you don’t or shouldn’t feel this way. Nor do I have any right to, say, post the term on your blog to upset you or somehow shove it in your face despite your discomfort. However: queer people may feel differently from each other. We may not agree on what words are acceptable, or on how we want to use language. This does not necessarily correspond to some sort of sliding scale of privilege, in which all the people with more privilege think one thing and all the people with less think another. It may instead correspond to differences of opinion on the most effective form of political action. For me, seeing the term “gay panic” used to describe something silly that originates from queer people themselves, some enjoyable flustered response upon noticing someone else who is publicly, gloriously queer, saps some of the power of the “gay panic defense” by trivializing the alleged “panic” and by rerouting the associations between the words “gay” and “panic.” This works not because the “gay panic defense” is irrelevant history but because it is powerfully relevant in the present moment. It works not because the violence itself is being trivialized but because the pretense that there’s some legitimate psychological phenomenon justifying that violence is being scoffed at and given exactly the amount of respect it deserves. Furthermore, we don’t wait to reclaim negative terms only after they are no longer in use; we wrest them away from people who hate us and make language our tool to dismantle that hatred. We steal the weapons in the middle of the battle and break them in half.

To sum things up: I do not need you to agree with me. We can be queer people who don’t have the same political strategies. That’s fine. I do think it would be helpful to remember that if some queer people don’t know the history of a violent term, that represents not only a failure of education and/or initiative but also the hopeful possibility that that term, and the violence to which it is linked, looms less large in the consciousness of many queer people. I also think it would be helpful to consider that others may read a post like “don’t use x term” as an opening of the door to a discussion. It’s fine if you are too drained of energy and resources to do the work of educating people, but surely “don’t use x term” is itself an act of educating people that might suggest to readers that you are in fact knowledgeable and prepared to further educate them. Finally, I want to repeat: queer people may disagree amongst themselves about political strategies. In a place like Tumblr, which runs on reblogs, dialogue, and continued interaction between people and ideas, it seems to me that disagreement should generate thoughtful debate, not an immediate pile-on to shut down those who disagree, to literally stop them from saying what you don’t want them to. I do not mean you should put up with homophobia and transphobia. This argument does not apply when Tumblr users are being blatantly, purposely homophobic and transphobic. I mean that when queer folks disagree amongst ourselves on how we use language, the continued use of that language to hash things out is the most useful response.

[friendliest-place-on-earth]

Space Domestic Series (pt.5)

(Part 1)

(Part 2)

(Part 3)

(Part 4)

(AO3)

Tw: Lot’s of food mentions as this chapter is centered around Thanksgiving, also mild homophobia- it’s just some of the stuff queer people get asked by people who don’t really know much about the community. It’s nothing meant maliciously but I thought I should include it in a warning anyways.

As Spot and Race’s relationship progressed over the many months, they soon came upon that one special Thursday in November where you stuff your face while listening to your family members argue about politics: Thanksgiving. Only a few weeks away from the grand feast that always took place in the Higgins household, the two boys were ready to head to sleep.

“Spot, I’ve got a question to ask ya.” Race started as Spot crawled under the sheets and snuggled close.

“You’re not proposing in your pyjamas are you?” Spot raised one eyebrow and looked at his boyfriend with a mix of confusion and hesitation.

“No we’re not getting married yet.” Yet. Spot replayed that last part of the sentence over and over again in his head. It reminded him that while they weren’t headed there now, they would be eventually and that was something worth holding on to.

“I was gonna ask if you wanted to come over to my parents’ house with me for Thanksgiving?” Race asked cautiously. Spot didn’t have the best childhood, meaning that many of the holidays he enjoyed so much went uncelebrated.

“Am I going as your boyfriend or your ‘friend’?” Spot asked.

“My boyfriend of course.” Race came out to his family when he was only in middle school, so they were pretty used to their son dating guys. He enjoyed watching the way a smile slowly applied itself to Spot’s face as he got used to the idea.

“I’d love to meet your folks.” he beamed, pulling himself onto his boyfriend’s chest to use him as a pillow.

“I’m know they’re going to love you.” Race placed a gentle kiss on the top of Spot’s head and wrapped an arm around him as they both drifted off to sleep.

That next morning as Spot woke up to the sound of bacon grease popping on the stove and the smell of fresh coffee. He stretched out to fill the half of the bed usually occupied by his boyfriend and buried himself under the blankets. Just as he was about to head back to sleep, the comforter was snatched from Spot, exposing him to the cold and unforgiving outside world.

“Morning beautiful!” Race laughed as his boyfriend grimaced at him. Race jumped onto the bed and swung his legs over so he sat on Spot’s hips. The smaller boy reached up to try and push him off, but his hands were caught and held beside his head. Spot struggled against Race’s hand’s for a moment but quickly gave up. Damn his eyes are gorgeous. Spot thought, seeing how the light from the window made them look crystal blue.

“I thought you got enough of this last night.” Spot stuck his tongue out and smiled up at Race.

“Get your head out of the gutter, nasty.” Race joked, still on his boyfriend’s hips but releasing his hands. After a moment of what seemed like quiet contemplation, a mischievous smile grew onto Race’s face as he began to tickle his boyfriend’s sides.

“Oh you asshole.” Spot said between laughs. He was finally able to push the blonde haired boy off of him, but now it was time to give Race a taste of his own medicine.

“You asked for it!” he laughed as Race squirmed away from his hands. Race rolled away from Spot until he forgot to check where he was and feel onto the floor.

“C’mon, I made breakfast and it’s getting cold!” Race exclaimed, popping up from the ground.

“You know, I was having a peaceful morning before you decided to interrupt it.” Spot complained sarcastically.

“Your morning has been improved and you know it.” Race placed a quick kiss on Spot’s cheek before walking ahead into the kitchen to grab their breakfast plates. Race had made two coffees for the both of them with bacon, eggs, and toast on each plate.

“Oh my how fancy.” Spot teased as they sat down at the breakfast bar and dug into their meals.

“So Spot, I wanted to talk about Thanksgiving with my folks.” Race started uncertainly, spearing his scrambled eggs with a fork.

“What about?” Spot turned to face his nervous boyfriend.

“Well I wanted to prepare you, they can be a little much.” he said.

“That’s fine, I’ve spent a great deal of my life being friends with Jack Kelly, so I can handle quite a bit.” he joked, making Race laugh.

“Also, my parents are really cool about my dating life and they already know you’re joining us. That said, I have a few relatives that are a little bit, old fashioned.” Race informed Spot, who nodded along to show he was listening.

“Does that mean you wanna cut back on the PDA?” the dark haired man asked.

“I mean, we don’t have to pretend we’re not together but I think if we show as much PDA as we would to our friends we should be good.” Race explained.

“That’s still a lot you know.”

“You know what, just do whatever feel natural, and they can deal with it if they’re uncomfortable.” Race decided. Spot was different than any other guy he’d been with, even though none of them had been really serious. He wanted to show his family that he was happy with his boyfriend, and if they loved him then they should want him to be.

“Alright, but you tell me if anything bothers you.” Spot pressed a kiss into Race’s forehead and returned to his breakfast. They continued to eat silently and think of all the things that could go wrong.

“Okay tell me who’s going to be there again.” Spot requested in the passenger seat of Race’s car, heading to his parents’ house.

“There’s my mom and dad, my two younger sisters, and my aunt and uncle.” Spot had heard this about ten times over the past two weeks but he just wanted to be sure he’d remembered correctly. Of course Spot had only grown more and more nervous as the days counted down to Thanksgiving. This is going to be by far the tensest holiday for the two since they came out. Spot was too busy drowning in his own thoughts that he didn’t notice his boyfriend pull into the driveway. Race wasn’t eager to head inside either, so he just turned off the car and leaned back into the seat for a bit. He took some time to slow his breathing and pull himself together.

“You ready?” Race asked.

“I-I guess.” Spot choked out. His boyfriend, now attuned to all his mannerisms, turned to face him.

“Hey, it’s going to be okay, if they’ve got a problem with you then they’ve got a problem with me.” He reached out for Spot’s hands and held them for some time.

“I love you.” said the man in the passenger seat.

“I love you,” Race planted a kiss on Spot’s forehead, “so much.” then on the lips. They finally pulled away and silently exited the car, walking hand in hand to the front porch. As Race knocked on the door and they heard footsteps inside the house, Spot began to let go of his boyfriend’s hand. Race felt his hand pull away and he knew that this was the last thing Spot wanted, so he gave it a quick squeeze. He held on for a second longer to see if Spot would do the same, but he didn’t so he finally let go and immediately missed the warmth of his boyfriend’s fingers wrapped up in his.

“Oh Anthony, it’s so good to see you!” Race’s mom immediately went in for the hug as the boys stepped into the house.

“You too ma!” he smiled.

“Is this Spot?” she smiled fondly at the dark eyed boy, making him feel that little bit more comfortable.

“Yes, this is my boyfriend.” Race beamed at Spot and you could practically see the cartoon hearts over his eyes. His heart still fluttered every time Race introduced him as my boyfriend, but he managed to compose himself enough.

“Nice to meet you ma’am.” Spot greeted her.

“Don’t you go calling me that, Maria will do.” she scolded good naturedly. Booming footsteps sounded down the hallway and soon Race’s dad joined them.

“Good to see you Ant!” Race hugged his dad and said hello before it was Spot’s turn.

“You must be Spot. I’m Steven, but just call Steve if you like.” he shook the shorter man’s hand, who nodded quickly. He was frankly a little intimidated by Steve, who stood tall at 6 feet with broad shoulders and arms that looked like he could snap Spot in half if he wanted to.

“N-nice to meet you.” Spot stuttered, earning a laugh from Race’s father.

“No need to be scared son, as long as you’re good to Anthony we’ll have no problem.” he smiled, with a note of seriousness in his eyes that made Spot’s skin crawl.

“Dad, back off will ya!” he ushered his boyfriend away from his parents and they both sat down on one of the soft couches in the living room as Race’s parents headed to the kitchen. They began to relax, but two sets of light footsteps sounded upstairs and soon Race’s twin sisters, Alex and Sophia, appeared in front of them.

“Hello!” Alex said cheerfully.

“Are you our brother’s boyfriend?” Sophia asked, studying him carefully.

“What is it with you guys and the third degree! Yes, this is Spot, my boyfriend, and I love him very much and he’s never going to hurt me so you guys can lay off, alright?” Race huffed, annoyed by how anxious his family was making Spot. Meanwhile, the man in question proceeded to try and hide his face behind a pillow as a deep red blush spread up his face. The younger siblings raised their hands in defeat and slowly backed away, leaving the couple alone in the living room.

“I’m sorry about that, I just want you to feel comfortable here.” Race sighed, resting his head on Spot’s shoulder.

“You’re fine, I thought it was kind of cute.” he admitted, his face still pink as a result from the blush earlier.

“That was not my intention but okay.” Race joked, kissing the side of Spot’s head. They sit in uninterrupted silence for a few minutes until the doorbell rings. The shorter boy buried his face into Race’s neck and pressed a soft kiss to it, realizing he would be laying off the touches for a while. They managed to pull themselves apart as the aunt and uncle entered the room, just in time for more introductions.

“Spot, this is my aunt Denise and my uncle Jacob.” Race announced.

“Aunt, Uncle, this is Spot. Spot’s my boyfriend.” Spot reached out his hand and the two shook it lightly.

“So which one of you is the ‘man’ in the relationship.” Denise joked, obviously trying and failing to break the ice. Race sighed loudly and hung his head in resignation.

“Oh did you hear that? Race I think your parents want us to help with the food.” Spot quickly dragged his boyfriend out of that awful situation and into the safety of the kitchen. They’d hardly been here for an hour and they’d already ran from Race’s family twice.

“I’m sorry about-”

“Don’t even start.” Spot laughed with a hint of frustration. They were soon found by Maria and Steve, and were asked to set the table. After they’d completed the assigned task, it seemed like Thanksgiving dinner was about to begin and everyone was called to the table.

Spot grabbed the seat closest to the end, where Maria sat, and Race to his left- he was very grateful for this.

“Now wait until everything is on the table before you start eating.” Steve announced, looking pointedly at Race, who waved it off.

“It’s Thanksgiving! We’re supposed to be eating!” Race exclaimed, trying to defend himself. The food was finally laid out, and everyone began grabbing spoonfuls of whatever looked good and tossing it onto their plate. By the time Spot was finished, he ended up with a turkey leg, (that’s good luck, Denise told him) a small pile of mashed potatoes, stuffing, corn, and green beans. Race served himself pretty much the exact same thing, except he’d mixed the mashed potatoes and corn together.

“Babe what the heck are you doing?” Spot asked, raising an eyebrow.

“It’s delicious, try it!” Race advised with his mouth full. Spot rolled his eyes and continued to eat his food in separate sections. A few moments of silence followed as everyone ate until Sophia spoke up.

“In class, we were talking about Thanksgiving and the teacher made us all say one thing we’re grateful for and I think we should all do that right now.” she said thoughtfully. Sophia and Alex were in the third grade so they were still involved in all of the excitement of the holidays.

“I think that sounds like a great idea, Jacob why don’t you start and we’ll go around the table.” Maria nodded to Jacob, who was sat on her right.

“Well I’m thankful for being able to spend some time with my family.” he said underneath a thick mustache. Denise took a quick sip of water before saying what she was thankful for.

“I am very thankful for getting to see Race happy with his lifestyle choices, and Spot seems like a very nice young man.” she smiled politely.

“I’m thankful for having a really great teacher and for having all of this food.” Alex beamed a smile that was missing a few teeth.

“I’m thankful for meeting Spot for the first time, I know that he’s good to my son. I’m also thankful for having a beautiful family of my own.” Steve said with a nod of approval.

“I’m thankful that Anthony finally got a boyfriend even though he came out many years ago, so it’s good that he’s not lonely and sad.” Sophia said, sticking her tongue out at her brother, who rolled his eyes. It was finally time for Race and then Spot to speak next and they were quite nervous, Spot in particular.

“I am so thankful for getting to meet and fall in love with the most handsome man in the entire world. I’m thankful that I get to wake up next to him,” Jacob shifted uncomfortably, “and that I get to see him every single day.” Race looked at Spot with an expression of complete love and happiness that it seemed like the two could stay in that exact moment forever.

“Y-yeah what he said.” Spot croaked.

“Boo! Give us a real answer!” Race demanded. Spot took a moment to gather his thoughts, holding his hands in his lap in a way that made him look smaller.

“Well, I’m thankful for the sun and the moon, for the food I eat and the heating in our apartment, and for Race and the way he looks at me.” Spot said, unable to look anyone in the eye until he heard his boyfriend sniffle sharply. He turned to his side to see those beautiful blue eyes clouded with tears and it killed him not to envelop the boy into his arms and hold him close. Race seemed unable to conjure up any words, so he settled for kissing his boyfriend in front of his entire family instead.

“Eww!” Alex and Sophia yelled in disgust.

“Ma, you didn’t go yet! What’re you thankful for?” Race asked, still a little high off of the adrenaline.

“I’m thankful that my son gets to be a part of something so beautiful.” she said, half choked up with tears herself. She walked over to the two and gave them a big hug. The rest of the meal continued without too many more emotionally charged events, and it was soon drawing to a close.

“This guy’s barely awake so I think we should get going.” Race whispered to his mom as Spot’s head lolled from side to side while he pretended to watch the football game that was on the tv. Race said goodbye to everyone on behalf of his sleepy boyfriend before going to collect him himself.

“C’mon babe, we’re going home.” Race extended his hand and Spot grabbed it, pulling himself up to stand and not letting go once he did.

“Thank you all for the company and thank you Maria and Steve for the amazing meal!” Spot called out as they swiftly exited the house.

Once they were in the car, the two sat in a soft silence until Spot started chuckling to himself.

“What is it?” Race asked.

“You talk to your family about me.” he giggled with the biggest smile on his face, earning a playful punch on the arm from the driver.

(Part 6)

(Part 7)