#conversiontherapysurvivor

[surviveintheshadows]

Hey. So I used to be @hells-tiny-vet before I logged out and lost access to the acc. (I dont have the email's pass code anymore rip me)

....I have so much to say my god. But the main thing I want to say is I fucking survived.

I'm 24 years old. Which is wild because I thought I'd be dead @ 17

I have my own apartment...I live by myself! I'm alone and free

I'm open with my headmates. I shut them out for far too long. Now I can't imagine not having them

I'm no contact with the body's bio family because fuck them and their abuse! I'm protecting my peace

I survived and I'm no longer who I once was.

I'm....doing okay. And I'm going to post about my healing journey here.

Here's to my new chapter

[mattostrom]

MattOStorm. Robbie Kirkland. 2009. #early2000s #MattOStorm #RobbieKirkland #LGBT #GayRights #GayChristian #Christian #Christianity #Family #Closet #inthecloset #ConversionTherapySurvivor #ConversionTherapy

[exgaytherapysurvivor]

If some of my conversion therapy survivors are having flashbacks to isolation they endured while undergoing ex gay therapy because of this Quarantine you’re not alone. That goes for abuse survivors in general too. I feel you and I am here for you

[mattostrom]

MattOStorm. Straight Men Love Gay Men. 2009. #early2000s #MattOStorm #Conversiontgerapy #Straight #Men conversiontherapysurvivor #lgbt #asbergers #autism ltistic #inthecloset #gay #Man #christian #Survivor

[mattostrom]

MattOStorm. Robbie Kirkland. 2009. #early2000s #MattOStorm #RobbieKirkland #LGBT #GayRights #GayChristian #Christian #Christianity #Family #Closet #inthecloset #ConversionTherapySurvivor #ConversionTherapy

[exgaytherapysurvivor]

HOW EMILIE AUTUMN’S ASYLUM FOR WAYWARD VICTORIAN GIRLS HELPS EX GAY THERAPY SURVIVORS

DISCAIMER: If you are actively considering harming yourself it might be wise to postpone this journey into my own little corner of the Asylum for Wayward Victorian Persons. Instead, reach out to a mental health professional or call your country’s crisis hotline. Best wishes for your recovery.

As a conversion therapy survivor I tend to look at the world through different lenses than a lot of folks. And that includes how I consume books and music. Recently it struck me that Emilie Autumn’s book The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls and it’s corresponding songs are practically tailor made to be relatable for CT survivors such as myself.

The plot revolves around Emilie Autumn in a modern day psych ward, and her Victorian era counter part Emily with a Y, who’s letters she finds in her note book. Accounts of the psych ward and Asylum letters are interspersed, and similarities between modern and old time psychiatric “care” are frankly discussed.

Besides the other girls that are falsely considered mad, for reasons elaborated on in the song Girls! Girls! Girls!, which I will get to shortly, a number of the girls are lesbians and what is being done to them certainly fits the definition of conversion therapy in some of its most pernicious forms. The main character Emily seems to be falling for her fellow inmate Veronica before Veronica’s death at the hands of Doctor Stockill.

Autumn herself is bisexual, and outspoken about her love of the ladies, particularly during her shows. I even got to interact with her on Instagram when I made a post about being an inmate by virtue of my conversion therapy experience. She commented saying,

“I am so proud of you, and honored to march by your side, my fellow inmate.” Now that I’ve set the stage let me move on to the music, and the songs I think most apply to the queer experience.

PRIVATE PRACTICE: This song takes place in the modern mental hospital, and is a conversation between Emilie and Dr. Sharpe. In the song the doctor tries to gaslight her into thinking her usual psychiatrist isn’t any good and she has more wrong with her than just Biplolar Disorder.

“let me help you Emilie, let me fix you Emilie!” Sound familiar? The song even contains religious imagery when Emilie Autumn sings,

“I know this illness is my curse to wear, my cross to bear.” Of course he has ulterior motives, which she figures out by the end of the duet.

SPIDER’S FACE: This one is a metaphor for organized religion. Doctor Stockill brags that he’s going to infect the world with the plague and then bask in their money and adoration when he gives them the remedy. They’ll never ask where it came from. Sort of like how religion creates so much shame around sexuality and then promises to cure what it created with various ineffective and sometimes harmful means.

GIRLS! GIRLS! GIRLS! : Beside admitting straight out that some of the girls are there because they are lesbians, the whole flavor of the song reminds of the dark underbelly that often accompanies ex gay therapy: child exploitation.

GASLIGHT: The title is both literal in the sense that the Asylum is lit by gas but anyone who has looked into narcistic abuse knows the other meaning of this word, which is essentially to try to make someone feel like they are crazy when they are telling the truth. The stark reality of a queer person trapped in a conversion camp really comes through in the lines,

“I hold tight to any hands I see, but nothing is alright, their always watching me. And no one’s coming to take me home.” The imminent possibility of death and the frustrating ignorance of people when it comes to the cruelties taking place under their very noses are also discussed.

I DON’T UNDERSTAND: This is a duet between Emily and Thomson, a man hired to photograph the girls at the asylum. It’s musically beautiful, and reminds me of the way the LGBT community expressed concern and pity upon seeing me broken. It’s a reminder that there’s always humanity even in a broken world

FROM THE GUTTER TO THE STARS: Another duet, this one between Emily and Veronica. It expresses the strength of will queer people express in order to survive and make beauty in the worst of times. Also worthy of note the line,

“Yes I know they could separate us. They don’t even hate us, it’s just what they do.” How many times have we all heard lines like “Hate the sin, love the sinner” and “This is for your own good” coming from people who are hurting us horribly.

TIME FOR TEA: I included this one not for its profundity but for it’s sheer satisfying factor. Finally some justice is befalling the tormentors of the inmates. Many of the implements mentioned as the inmates arm themselves are things that are used in aversion therapy; now they are turned upon the abusers.

START ANOTHER STORY: A softer song about trusting your truth and leaving the past behind as you recover.

ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER: Where to even start with this one. So inspirational, I’m tempted to write all the lyrics out right here, but I’ll just say that it perfectly encapsulates the process of recovering from trauma. Learning to live without an enemy to fight, committing to your own values, and building something beautiful out of the wreckage are central themes.

“How do we change the world to what we want it to be? How do we move beyond all of this misery? One foot in front of the other foot…”

INSPIRATIONAL SONGS FOR CT SURVIVORS FROM FIGHT LIKE A GIRL AND OPHALIAC

FIGHT LIKE A GIRL:

1. The title track, Fight Like a Girl, is a girl power anthem for the ages, but still includes boys who have been through suffering

2. If I Burn is a revenge promise for those who torment the innocent and drive them to madness and suicidal thoughts. “If I burn, so will you.”

3. The Key, “It’s time this house was ours, it’s time we take it back, it’s time for bloody war, IT’S TIME FOR THE ATTACK!” Need I say more?

4. Time for Tea, for reasons previously discussed

5. One Foot in Front of the Other, previously discussed recovery chant

OPHELIAC

1. I Want My Innocence Back, though dark in the sense that the writer has been grievously wrong, is also a bold “don’t fuck with me” statement, promising ruin on the person if they can’t return what was stolen

2. Misery Loves Company is pretty light hearted, and may seem at first glance like a song about a relationship, but contains the lines “pray for me you fucker if you fucking dare!” A familiar emotion to those of us in the queer community, especially those who have been told to “pray the gay away”

3. Gothic Lolita is one that requires discretion, as it discusses the painful subject of CSA, but if you can handle the themes, the pay out in the form of retribution on the villain is worth it.

4. I Know Where you Sleep seems to be about a fake narcissistic person whose public image depends on the silence of their victims. This song breaks that silence. With a bang.

In conclusion I would highly recommend checking out the book and the music for yourself. Follow Emilie Autumn on Instagram and be blessed by her love and creativity. All the best to you my fellow survivors.

[exgaytherapysurvivor]

Just saw your reply and thanks. There's six of us in all. Jay and I carry most of the gay therapy crap. The host has been having flashbacks which takes us awhile to get them out of. The camp was shut down but we're still stuck with internalized homophobia and a host traumatized that whenever they hold their girlfriend of 2 years they cry because they can't wrap their head around being in a safe place and not having a boot on their spine for being not cis or straight. -🍃Tiny

I’m sorry about the flashbacks. I’ve only had a few myself but it was quite enough. I can’t imagine having to deal with them constantly. As unpleasant as they are though sometimes you have to remember your trauma to process it. Which is so unfair. All I can do is offer sympathy and listen.

The internalized homophobia is very understandable. I don’t know if you feel bad about it, but if so please don’t beat yourself up 💛 It will get better with time.

I’m so sorry for what was done to all of you. Sometimes you get so used to being hurt that the prospect of happiness is terrifying. I’m glad there is someone for your host to hold though. I hope there comes a day when they feel unmixed joy with her.

~ Selkie 🌈

[exgaytherapysurvivor]

Most of the time I’m able to put my ex gay therapy behind me. But it left scars on my heart and sometimes they hurt. Like tonight. I need to be held or something

[exgaytherapysurvivor]

New Years Post (finally)

So 2019 will forever be fixed in my mind as the year of rage. I rediscovered some repressed memories right before 2019 began and I entered the year blasting obscene rap and spitting nails.

I kind of calmed down a little towards the middle and had my first girlfriend. She dumped me literal days before my birthday declaring she didn’t love me anymore. There was no warning. I was shattered.

To top all that off I had *three* surgeries. One for endometriosis, one to remove my wisdom teeth, and one to drain the strep infection I got afterwards. I spent a week in the hospital. Ohh and in the midst of all that I was losing my faith and finding a new one.

To quote Taylor Swift “This year was the apocalypse.”

All that too say, I know I haven’t been very present lately, but that’s going to change. I’ll be reblogging and posting a lot more and as always please send me asks. I live to help kids who go through the same trauma I did. Y’all are my family. I’m still here, and I wanted you to know why I’ve been quiet

[exgaytherapysurvivor]

I was given this amazing opportunity to be one of the people speaking out against conversion therapy in this article!