#fp/dependent person mention

[p4r4dis3-r0t]

I hate hate hate hate being dead. It hurts so much. My decomp has been especially bad these past few days and it rlly hurts. I can barely move my legs and lower back… my stomach is bloating from decomp and I can’t even eat… my brain is still intact but my body is rotting flies r always around me and it hurts so much….,.. why does nobody believe me when I say I’m dead??? Do they not believe me??? I feel my wings pushing through my back and I can feel them rotting too why am I stuck rotting like this why is my angel form covered in this stupid flesh

at least my fp understands. He’s been really nice to me and really understanding that I’m not alive. I’m rlly thankful he’s understanding that I’m a corpse & not living anymore… he always tries to get me to eat too… I usually do it for him even if I don’t need to.,,. He always says he wants to study me too ^^^ I think it’s really nice how he wants to see how my (now rotting) body works…

I hate being dead it’s such sensory hell too like I can feel the flesh wanting to come off my bones in clumps and it’s so slimey and gross like!!! Get off my bones!!!

[eclaire-went-bam]

"covert" narcissist this "overt" narcissist that, are y'all actually that consistent?

[enchantressiren]

❝𝐘𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐛𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐡, 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐦𝐨𝐚𝐧𝐬, 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐭𝐨𝐮𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐬 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐦𝐲 𝐰𝐞𝐚𝐤𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬. 𝐈’𝐦 𝐬𝐨 𝐡𝐨𝐫𝐧𝐲 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐲𝐨𝐮, 𝐛𝐚𝐛𝐲.❞

What makes your future lover horny around you? (Detailed)

Masterlist.

Authors note,

Finding matching dividers and photos were a nightmare, unfortunately, but I also deeply missed my old theme.

Divider.

Pile 01. 

“You’re such a sweetheart, I wish I knew you before. I wish I waited for you instead of being in a relationship with her. I wished..” There are a lot of wishes from your future person and a lot of regrets from their past relationship. A lot of pain surrounds their heart, yet when it comes to you, their mind is crystal clear, and they know they are with the right person. You make them feel okay and safe and helped them understand their own emotions. A lot of healed energy and open-minded individuals here. I hear a lot of thanks from them; you also helped them realize their sexuality, yet you do not feel disgusted by them. A lot of them met close-minded individuals, and their minds have been accustomed to feeling ashamed and fearful about who they really are. You are their safe haven. 

Now, what makes your future spouse horny around you? A lot of things, they’re so romantically beautiful that my heart is fluttering for you. An immense feeling of serenity flows through me. 

The way you speak to them, you are always calm around them, and you speak/ooze elegance. Their hearts flutter, and this usually turns them on.

The way you command others to notice you, whether it is intentionally or not. You make others notice you so easily, which is also how you make your fp notice you or how your fp has noticed you. 

I see a scene where someone is wearing something that shines and makes others notice it. The outfit is your aesthetic; it doesn’t matter what it is. The vibe is this dark blue hue mixed with a saturated gray, but there is a spotlight on them. Everyone is watching their every move and cannot get enough of them. There are other socialites in this scene, yet everyone needs to notice this person. This is your energy, you steal others' spotlight, thus doing the same with your fp. Your dominant energy turns your fp on like a madman, and I can hear them masturbating while muttering your name.

Your word choices, your fp sees you full of richness. Your vocabulary is broad, and they think your intelligence is on another level. I see you saying filthy words to them during sex in a romanticized language, or your native language, and this is their killer. Their heart will beat like crazy, they will become sweaty and become aroused on the spot. Some will literally orgasm on the spot depending on their sex drive and yours (so this varies). 

This may seem normal to you, but to them this is.. Not sure how to explain it, but it is something else. Your healing nature is their turn on. So, as mentioned, their ex messed them up and there was a lot of toxic energy surrounding them with her (yes, regardless of their gender), but with you—it’s very healthy and romantic. For some reason (their words), it turns them on a lot. You could be setting up a boundary and explaining why, and their mind drifts to fucking you endlessly. Then they have to remind themselves to listen, and they will—every little word that comes from your mouth, the detail of where they are, every movement of yours, but ultimately go back to those thoughts. Again, this also comes back to your presence and how you make everyone drawn to you effortlessly. 

During sex, you tend to squirm around the person you make out with spontaneously, just something your body has been doing forever. For them, they find it adorable and cannot get enough of it. Some of you feel insecure about it, but you shouldn’t because it is one of their favorites. Now, it doesn’t necessarily turn them on, but it plays a part in your presence. Addictive is what pops into mind.

Seriously, your presence is incredible, so healing and nurturing and your presence itself is going to bring so many suitors into your life that you may feel overwhelmed. So make sure to tend to yourself and distance from energy vampires that will appear as your future lover; do not ignore your gut feeling or intuition around certain people despite how others speak kindly about them. Not everything meets the eye.

Your hardworking ability and determination are one of their turn ons. They have or will speak about this to their mother, hiding parts of their fantasy of you fucking them/pegging them endlessly while using a tie around their neck to control them but also choke them. A lot of rough fantasies, but aside from this. They adore how you work so hard to get what you want instead of projecting envious energy onto others and being bitter. Once again, this is normal for you, but for them and others around you, it is so refreshing. Also, they will peek around when you are working and admire your body and hope that you will not see them despite you knowing they are and accentuating your body for their eyes. 

Channeled song:

Climax - Djo 

✮ Masterlist.

Pile 02. 

With how you make them smile instantly. They have a rough and biker type of personality. Very heartwarming and soft with the right person yet so gruff. With you though, they are able to let loose, which makes it easier for them to show that they do become aroused by you. They have had instances where they could not or were not allowed by people they used to know. They have never been in a relationship, which has resulted in them being bitter, so do expect rough sex from time to time. I do find it ironic with how they have never had sex before, but you do teach them everything you know and they are able to adapt to the details and your body movement. 

You are an unbothered person and very laid back. They are someone who will overthink and let their insecurities interfere with their words, so sometimes they will try to assert their ‘dominance’ with you. The reality is: they want you to dominate them despite what they are actually saying. They have a lot of bratty energy, or scared bratty energy. Your unbothered personality turns them on and will make them realize they like being dominated, but it also pisses them off since they are used to others being intimidated by them and cowering away. 

They will become turned on by how you always wear something sexy or any type of accessory that is appealing to the male’s gaze, regardless of your and their gender. Something about them gets them going, and they will let you step on them, both metaphorically and physically. 

I see an image where someone is wearing red heels and clear stockings holding a baton as their lover's hands are tied with their used stocking after they came. And their lover is begging for them to touch them, but the person will not. The lover's main focus is their high heel as the image zooms onto it. Your fp main focus will be that sexy outfit or accessory whenever they can get their hands on you or if you are taking control. I feel a lot of vers energy despite you being prone to take the bottom role. I see them encouraging you and making you feel confident too.

This isn’t something that turns them on, but it is necessary for me to say. They love your legs. A lot of you feel insecure about it, and some of you feel shameful for not shaving your legs’ hair, but mind you, they will be worshiping your mind no matter what. If you were to insult them or your leg, expect them to drag you anywhere and kiss them so hard in an attempt to make a hickey but for it to fail miserably. 

Your tongue skills are to die for. The second you even mention oral to them, they will be aroused, and their heart will start to race like heartburn. Overwhelming sensations will drape around their body and make them into a mummy. This only comes down to when you do give them oral, as they will be your sucker. You could even bribe them or give a peace offering for oral and you will receive instant obliviousness or forgiveness. But they do know that it is their weakness, so they won’t be bothered or insulted by it. I see the both of you using this as a tease or a joke with others (when they become comfortable with the idea). 

I mentioned how they will worship you and have bratty energy, but I also feel toxic alpha energy. The meaning fits their personality when you meet and get to know one another but it is hidden perfectly. You will notice it and some of you will brush it off. They grew up in a toxic environment where toxic masculinity and misogynistic traits were normalized for them, and they believe it is their duty to do everything without getting help from anyone, hence the gruffness in their lovely personality. There are a lot of internalized misogynistic traits with them that they may project onto you, so when they do ask you out, make them wait for you for a few months or 1-2 years (depending on your gut feeling) and call them out for their behavior because it will be a toxic relationship if you do not. Calling them out makes them change for the better, so you can actually see the lovely personality I spoke of.

If you do make them wait, the relationship will blossom into something pretty.. Like a sakura tree. Their energy after they heal and are with you is so enchanting and soothing, it makes you desire to sit at a pond and read a book with one another while gazing at the clouds passing by. The breeze brushes on your skin, leaving a subtle chill, and their gaze from your body to your lips as you speak will send shivers both on your body. Their respectful movements with you will make you melt..

I could write a book on how beautiful the relationship will become, but that is for you to find out and for me to know. 

Channeled songs:

She calls me daddy - KiNG MALA

Sweet but psycho - Ava Max

✮ Masterlist.

Pile 03.

How many people do you have chasing after you? Your sex appeal is off the roof; I see so many people similar to a zombie horde chasing after you and begging you for your attention; the same goes for your fp. Some of you do manifestation techniques and affirm for sex appeal beauty, something about being sexy or being a queen/god, and an aura that draws people in and it’s working. This is how you will attract your fp. Some of you have met them and you know it’s them because you manifested them, and for those that haven't, they will come to you in April, May, June, or if you start to see things that have ‘’mars,’’ you are close. 

Now, what makes your fp horny around you?

They become aroused when you are boastful, cocky, and straight up arrogant. They remind me of a puppy, always following their owner, no matter what and always needing them. 

You have a seductive walk, you move and walk like a serpent. It’s silent, smooth, and confident, but you have this movement that draws its prey to you. I cannot explain the energy I am feeling, but I know that you know what I mean because you have been affirming it. 

You wear a lot of red and gold, red lipsticks, red eye shadow, gold suits, dark red suits, dresses that show a lot of skin, etc. You ooze the definition of sex appeal, and your fp sees it for themselves, and they desire for you to tie them up with red chains into your prey to devour. 

Is snakes your favorite or something you feel connected to? Your energy fits a snake in the best and worst ways. Meaning, you’re cunning as one but tantalizing as their eyes. You seriously pull people in, and I feel hypnotized as I do your reading. Your energy is secretive as a snake, but so open as the inside of their body when consuming their prey. You’re going to hypnotize them so well, and it happens accidentally. In that moment, you forget about your affirmations and techniques and meet them, even if you have met them (but you already knew that because it feels natural for you).

The way you move during sex. Your body movement is slow and smooth; your moves are sensual, as if you were a dancer for centuries. It reminds me of Egyptian belly dancers and their pharaoh would watch and enjoy. Your beauty and moves make them so horny that if you blew on their sensitive spot, they would instantly squirt.

You’re a secretive person, and you tell them small things about yourself, and they are itching for more. But the thing that turns them on is how you describe your past experiences, the words you use.. It is not meant to be suggestive, yet it is. 

Your tongue movement. You either lick your teeth sensually, flick your tongue, nibble or bite your lips, or do all of them and play with your hair in a subtle movement to make them notice you when they are busy with something. This catches their attention so fast and they will feel hot and bothered. 

Lap dances are your specialty, and if not now, in the future it will be because you wanted to tease them and be mischievous. Your lap dances compared to their last experiences always make them cum.. And it won’t even be 10 minutes in. And you will chuckle at them and play with their hair, and their cheeks will become so flushed they squirt.

There are so many things you will do that make your fp horny, but I have to stop it here because your energy is so strong that I felt like a sailor and you were the sirens singing to me and I was about to drown—I cannot write anymore (omg). Some of you have been manifesting for the ones I have written, and now that you have seen it, congratulations on your dedication and consistency for your desires. And to your fp, good luck to them because your energy—whew. 

Channeled song:

APT - ROSÉ and Bruno Mars

✮ Masterlist.

[narcissisticpdcultureis]

VERY LONG SUBMISSION SORRY I HAVE A LOT TO SAY

SELF DIAGNOSED "I'M SO NICE" NPD CULTURE IS. LITERALLY ALWAYS KNOWING YOU HAD SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU. BUT SOCIETY HAS SPOONFED YOU THE PROPAGANDISTIC IDEALS OF NARC DEMONISATION SINCE THE DAY YOU WERE FRESH OUT THE WOMB, SO EVEN THOUGH YOU PERSONALLY BELIEVED YOU DIDN'T DEMONISE NPD, YOU NEVER ONCE CONSIDERED HAVING IT BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS TOLD YOURSELF "I DEFINITELY DON'T HAVE NPD, I'M WAY TOO NICE FOR THAT!"

BUT YOU STILL KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY FUCKING WRONG WITH YOU. CLUSTER B PERSONALITY DISORDER SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT.

"HEY WAIT, I SEEM TO RELATE TO BPD EXPERIENCES!!! THIS IS WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!"

IT WAS NOT BPD. THE THINGS I FOUND RELATABLE WERE JUST GENERAL CLUSTER B SYMPTOMS OR EXPLAINABLE BY SOMETHING ELSE.

SEVERE IDENTITY ISSUES? JUST NPD.

HAVING A FP AND PLACING YOUR SELF WORTH AND EMOTIONAL STATE IN THEM? ANY PERSONALITY DISORDER CAN HAVE A FP.

SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS? IT'S PROBABLY NPD WHEN I'M MET WITH DIRECT CRITICISM / RUDENESS / AND I FEEL INSANELY OFFENDED OR ATTACKED AND INSTINCTIVELY AND UNCONTROLLABLY GET SUPER DEFENSIVE AND COMBATIVE AND GRASP AT ANYTHING I CAN TO "GET BACK" AT THEM TO COPE WITH FEELING LIKE I JUST GOT FUCKING STABBED IN THE CHEST

FEAR OF ABANDONMENT? CHILDHOOD UPBRINGING + TRAUMA LOL ALSO IT CRUSHES MY EGO BADLY THAT PEOPLE FIND ME SO INSUFFERABLE THAT THEY NEVER WANT TO TALK TO ME AGAIN SO LOWKEY NPD TOO

SUICIDAL THREATS? UMM OK SO THIS IS AN ENTIRE STORYTIME FOR ANOTHER SUBMISSION SO JUST. GO FIND IT FROM MY ANON SIGNOFF TAG IF YOU'RE CURIOUS. TLDR I WAS 10 AND PLAYING ROYALE HIGH 💀

BLACK AND WHITE THINKING? AUTISM. OR POSSIBLY NPD

"WOW, I FEEL LIKE I RELATE A LOT TO HPD SYMPTOMS!!!! I MUST HAVE BOTH BPD AND HPD!"

HPD IS BARELY TALKED ABOUT EVEN IN PD SPACES, THE DSM CRITERIA FOR IT IS VAGUE AND UNSPECIFIC AND WACKY MAKING IT DIFFICULT TO ACCURATELY SELF DIAGNOSE IT (OR EVEN ACCURATELY DIAGNOSE IT IN GENERAL), AND ALL OF MY HPD SYMPTOMS CAN BE EXPLAINED BY SOMETHING ELSE.

UNSTABLE EMOTIONS? LITERALLY JUST CLUSTER B AND AUTISM.

ATTENTION SEEKING + TWEAKING WHEN NO ATTENTION? MOSTLY JUST NPD, BUT COULD ALSO BE SOMEWHAT CATALYSTED BY MY INSANELY EXTROVERTED, OUTGOING AND SOCIALLY DEPENDENT PERSONALITY.

DRAMATIC BEHAVIOUR? I HAVE MANY OUTBURSTS OR EPISODES OF LOSING MY SHIT BECAUSE OF A COMBINATION OF TRAUMA, AUTISM, AND JUST BEING CLUSTER B.

EXAGGERATED AND OVER-THE-TOP PERSONA? THAT IS LITERALLY JUST THE ARTIFICIAL PERSONA I MOLDED MYSELF INTO BECAUSE MY NPD THOUGHT IT'D MAKE EVERYONE LOVE ME BUT MY NPD SWEARS THIS IS THE REAL ME EVEN THOUGH I'M JUST FABRICATING MY PERSONALITY TO BE CLOSER TO THE IDEALISED ME I HAVE IN MY HEAD.

HAVING "STRONG OPINIONS" THAT ARE MALLEABLE AND DEPENDENT ON THOSE AROUND ME? PROBABLY A COMBINATION OF BEING AN FE DOMINANT IN TYPOLOGY (THIS MEANS MY MORALS AND DECISIONS ARE BASED ON HOW SOMETHING AFFECTS OTHERS) AND BEING LOW EMPATHY + COMPASSION (SOMETIMES I CAN'T UNDERSTAND OR CARE FOR HOW SOMETHING WILL AFFECT OTHERS, BUT I TRY AND GUESS / ASSUME WHAT THE RIGHT THING TO DO IS ANYWAYS BECAUSE I'M A GOOD PERSON) *SORRY FOR THE TYPOLOGY MENTION IN A PSYCHOLOGICAL CONTEXT I THINK MANY PEOPLE FUCKING HATE THAT IN PSYCHOLOGY/MENTAL HEALTH SPACES I DON'T TREAT IT LIKE ASTROLOGY OKAY? 😭 I JUST THINK IT'S A GREAT TOOL TO EXPLAIN AND CATEGORISE THE ASPECTS OF YOUR PERSONALITY UNRELATED TO MENTAL ILLNESS OR TRAUMA SINCE EVERY TYPOLOGY SYSTEM IS UNIQUE

THE HPD SELF DIAGNOSIS WAS ON A WHIM BTW I WAS REALLY STUPID ABOUT THAT .. ☹️ I HEARD "PDS ARE VERY COMMONLY COMORBID" AND I TOOK THAT AND JUST DIAGNOSED MYSELF WITH WHATEVER I FOUND SLIGHTLY RELATABLE. I SAW A VID OF SOMEONE WITH HPD TALKING ABOUT THEIR EXPERIENCE + THEY MENTIONED SOMETHING LIKE "WE HAVE A GOD COMPLEX BUT WE HATE OURSELVES AT THE SAME TIME" WHICH HELPED ME COME TO TERMS WITH MY EGO AND GRANDIOSITY (WHILE STILL THINKING IT WAS BPD AND HPD), SO I SELF DIAGNOSED MYSELF WITH NPD TOO . WHILE ONLY DOING THE BARE MINIMUM OF RESEARCH 😟 LIKE OBVIOUSLY I DIDN'T THINK NPD WAS Symptoms: Kills people, eats babies, manipulates everyone, takes over the world, is ONLY CAPABLE of feeling EVIL and can NEVER be kind EVER, CAUSE I WAS CONSCIOUSLY ACCEPTING OF PWNPD EVEN THOUGH I HAD SOME DEMONISATION STILL SUBCONSCIOUSLY INTERNALISED BECAUSE OF WHAT SOCIETY SPOONFEEDS US + ABSOLUTELY NOBODY IS 100% FREE OF AT LEAST A LITTLE BIT OF SUBCONSCIOUS INTERNALISED BIGOTRY BUT I BASICALLY HAD JUST JUMPED THE GUN

AFTER A WHILE I LOWKEY REALISED THAT BPD AND HPD DID NOT SEEM TO FIT ME . AND I UNDIAGNOSED MYSELF WITH NPD TOO CAUSE THE TWO MISDIAGNOSES MADE ME ASSUME I DIDN'T HAVE A PD AT ALL. SO I HAD A SHORT PERIOD OF "DAMN I GUESS I DON'T HAVE ANY DISORDERS THAT EXPLAIN WHY I'M SO FUCKED UP AND INSANE AND MENTALLY UNWELL"

BEFORE I FOUND OUT MY FP HAD NPD. AND I WAS LIKE "WAIT, REALLY? BUT THEY'RE SO NICE TO ME... HONESTLY, IT MAKES SENSE". AND THAT MOTIVATED ME TO ACTUALLY DO RESEARCH ON NPD BECAUSE THIS TOLD ME I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND IT ENOUGH. I WANTED TO UNDERSTAND THEM.

THAT WAS BASICALLY HOW I STARTED TO REALISE I HAD NPD. I TRIED DENYING A LOT OF CORRELATIONS . AND I NEVER SUSPECTED I HAD NPD FOR YEARS BECAUSE THE COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS HAD NORMALISED SO MANY THINGS TO ME + I QUITE UNSUCCESSFULLY TRIED BOTTLING UP THINGS I THOUGHT WERE MEAN (WHICH BASICALLY MADE ME BELIEVE I'M SECRETLY AN AWFUL PERSON AND NOBODY KNOWS IT) . I THOUGHT MY GRANDIOSE FANTASIES WERE NORMAL UNTIL I WAS LIKE 15. I THOUGHT NEVER BEING ABLE TO COMPREHEND YOU'RE IN THE WRONG BUT PRETENDING YOU DO AND APOLOGISING TO "DO THE RIGHT THING" WAS NORMAL. I THOUGHT MY LEVEL OF EMPATHY WAS NORMAL. I THOUGHT MY JEALOUSY AND ENVY WERE NNORMAL. I NEVER WORDED MY THOUGHTS OF CONTEMPT AND SUPERIORITY TO OTHERS IN A WAY THAT WAS LIKE "HEH... YOU'RE SO PATHETIC.... I'M SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOU" IT WAS MORE LIKE "LOL I'M _ AND THEY'RE NOT" SO IT WASN'T OBVIOUS TO ME THAT THIS WASN'T NORMAL . BUT WHEN I DID WORD IT THAT WAY, I DIDN'T THINK I WAS A NARC I JUST THOUGHT I WAS SECRETLY AN ASSHOLE 😭 I SERIOUSLY NEVER THOUGHT MY KINDNESS HAD SELFISH INTENTIONS I THOUGHT IT WAS NORMAL TO ONLY BE NICE FOR PEOPLE TO LIKE YOU ┛◠ ┛ ANYWAYS IT'S 2025 AND I AM NO LONGER BLINDED BY BIAS OR DELUSION COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS AND I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT MY PROBLEM IS NPD!!!!!!!!! AND LITERALLY NOTHING ELSE I THINK . I AM 16 AND GONNA "TRY TO GET DIAGNOSED" SOON (NOT GOING TO EVER SAY "I THINK I HAVE NPD". I'M GONNA SPECIFICALLY MENTION ALL MY NARC TRAITS TO MY THERAPIST AND WORD THEM IN A VERY TEXTBOOK NPD WAY WITHOUT EVER LYING I'M JUST GOING OUT OF MY WAY TO TELL THE TRUTH AND WORDING IT IN A STEREOTYPICAL NPD WAY)

THX 4 READING I LOAV U (^з^)-☆Chu!!

— 🍋‍🟩🍃

[pt: very long submission sorry i have a lot to say

self diagnosed "i'm so nice" npd culture is. literally always knowing you had something wrong with you. but society has spoonfed you the propagandistic ideals of narc demonisation since the day you were fresh out the womb, so even though you personally believed you didn't demonise npd, you never once considered having it because you always told yourself "i definitely don't have npd, i'm way too nice for that!"

but you still knew there was something seriously fucking wrong with you. cluster b personality disorder sounds about right.

"hey wait, i seem to relate to bpd experiences!!! this is what's wrong with me!"

it was not bpd. the things i found relatable were just general cluster b symptoms or explainable by something else.

severe identity issues? just npd.

having a fp and placing your self worth and emotional state in them? any personality disorder can have a fp.

sudden mood swings? it's probably npd when i'm met with direct criticism / rudeness / and i feel insanely offended or attacked and instinctively and uncontrollably get super defensive and combative and grasp at anything i can to "get back" at them to cope with feeling like i just got fucking stabbed in the chest

fear of abandonment? childhood upbringing + trauma lol also it crushes my ego badly that people find me so insufferable that they never want to talk to me again so lowkey npd too

suicidal threats? umm ok so this is an entire storytime for another submission so just. go find it from my anon signoff tag if you're curious. tldr i was 10 and playing royale high 💀

black and white thinking? autism. or possibly npd

"wow, i feel like i relate a lot to hpd symptoms!!!! i must have both bpd and hpd!"

hpd is barely talked about even in pd spaces, the dsm criteria for it is vague and unspecific and wacky making it difficult to accurately self diagnose it (or even accurately diagnose it in general), and all of my hpd symptoms can be explained by something else.

unstable emotions? literally just cluster b and autism.

attention seeking + tweaking when no attention? mostly just npd, but could also be somewhat catalysted by my insanely extroverted, outgoing and socially dependent personality.

dramatic behaviour? i have many outbursts or episodes of losing my shit because of a combination of trauma, autism, and just being cluster b.

exaggerated and over-the-top persona? that is literally just the artificial persona i molded myself into because my npd thought it'd make everyone love me but my npd swears this is the real me even though i'm just fabricating my personality to be closer to the idealised me i have in my head.

having "strong opinions" that are malleable and dependent on those around me? probably a combination of being an fe dominant in typology (this means my morals and decisions are based on how something affects others) and being low empathy + compassion (sometimes i can't understand or care for how something will affect others, but i try and guess / assume what the right thing to do is anyways because i'm a good person) *sorry for the typology mention in a psychological context i think many people fucking hate that in psychology/mental health spaces i don't treat it like astrology okay? 😭 i just think it's a great tool to explain and categorise the aspects of your personality unrelated to mental illness or trauma since every typology system is unique

the hpd self diagnosis was on a whim btw i was really stupid about that .. ☹️ i heard "pds are very commonly comorbid" and i took that and just diagnosed myself with whatever i found slightly relatable. i saw a vid of someone with hpd talking about their experience + they mentioned something like "we have a god complex but we hate ourselves at the same time" which helped me come to terms with my ego and grandiosity (while still thinking it was bpd and hpd), so i self diagnosed myself with npd too . while only doing the bare minimum of research 😟 like obviously i didn't think npd was symptoms: kills people, eats babies, manipulates everyone, takes over the world, is only capable of feeling evil and can never be kind ever, cause i was consciously accepting of pwnpd even though i had some demonisation still subconsciously internalised because of what society spoonfeeds us + absolutely nobody is 100% free of at least a little bit of subconscious internalised bigotry but i basically had just jumped the gun

after a while i lowkey realised that bpd and hpd did not seem to fit me . and i undiagnosed myself with npd too cause the two misdiagnoses made me assume i didn't have a pd at all. so i had a short period of "damn i guess i don't have any disorders that explain why i'm so fucked up and insane and mentally unwell"

before i found out my fp had npd. and i was like "wait, really? but they're so nice to me… honestly, it makes sense". and that motivated me to actually do research on npd because this told me i didn't understand it enough. i wanted to understand them.

that was basically how i started to realise i had npd. i tried denying a lot of correlations . and i never suspected i had npd for years because the cognitive distortions had normalised so many things to me + i quite unsuccessfully tried bottling up things i thought were mean (which basically made me believe i'm secretly an awful person and nobody knows it) . i thought my grandiose fantasies were normal until i was like 15. i thought never being able to comprehend you're in the wrong but pretending you do and apologising to "do the right thing" was normal. i thought my level of empathy was normal. i thought my jealousy and envy were nnormal. i never worded my thoughts of contempt and superiority to others in a way that was like "heh… you're so pathetic…. i'm so much better than you" it was more like "lol i'm _ and they're not" so it wasn't obvious to me that this wasn't normal . but when i did word it that way, i didn't think i was a narc i just thought i was secretly an asshole 😭 i seriously never thought my kindness had selfish intentions i thought it was normal to only be nice for people to like you ┛◠ ┛ anyways it's 2025 and i am no longer blinded by bias or delusion cognitive distortions and i know for a fact that my problem is npd!!!!!!!!! and literally nothing else i think . i am 16 and gonna "try to get diagnosed" soon (not going to ever say "i think i have npd". i'm gonna specifically mention all my narc traits to my therapist and word them in a very textbook npd way without ever lying i'm just going out of my way to tell the truth and wording it in a stereotypical npd way)

thx 4 reading i loav u (^з^)-☆chu!!]

[raythekiller]

could you write jeff, ben and toby with a reader who has npd but they’re their fav person?

🗒 ❛ He's S/O's Favorite Person ༉‧₊˚✧

Featuring: Jeff The Killer, Ben Drowned, Ticci Toby

#Notes: I don't have npd but I do have bpd, so this might be more from a bpd standpoint. sorry if having a fp while narcissistic is different, i genuinely don't know

pronouns used: none

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꒰⸝⸝₊⛓┊Jeff The Killer

His ideal type of relationship. He wants to be cherished, worshiped even, so this situation is perfect for him, even if a little painful for you due to him being negligent and absent. He will actually purposefully be those things just to test if you'll miss him, if you really care. After seeing how agitated you become when he's not around or even treating you badly, just how aggravated that makes you, his ego is through the roof. He'll start being nicer and giving you more attention, wanting you to need him more.

꒰⸝⸝₊⛓┊Ben Drowned

Another cocky bastard who'll want to test it out. He'll watch you through your computer screen, wanting to see if you really miss him that much, how badly you want him when he's not around. Unlike Jeff, who does it constantly, he'll only need to do it once to be fully satisfied, then moving on to giving you all the attention you might want. He likes feeling needed, so even if he likes being alone every now and then, he'll prioritize getting to spend more time with you instead.

꒰⸝⸝₊⛓┊Ticci Toby

You're probably his favorite person as well. I mentioned a few times that I headcanon him as having BPD, so honestly, he's just as dependent of you as you are of him. He knows how being away from your FP can feel physically painful sometimes, and he never wants you to experience that, so he's constantly clinging to you. He's surprisingly thoughtful when it comes to other people's mental needs, having many disorders himself, so you don't need to worry about him being a little shit like the other two. He might actually suffocate you a bit with all the affection, given that his last favorite person was Lyra and we all know how that ended, so now he's extra clingy almost as if he's scared you might disappear.

[myoblogs]

Man I had this dream where I was playing one of the Gen 3 remakes on a crappy website where the fps and sound quality sounds like a sparkling vinyl and I'd reached the end of pokémon playing as Leaf.

Then this black box with text appears (you can scroll through normally) detailing Leaf's inner psychology, like a fourth-wall breaking dialogue. (In the dream I thought it was similar to what you see at the end of Minecraft)

And it's Leaf saying that she's INTERSEXUAL. That her name is INO (or INOGEN). And that she'd been swapping between genders throughout her journey. Oh, and also their Pikachu is also intersexual and named Oda??

And deadass. In the dream I was SWEATING. To expose my secret project, I'm satiating my inner child's need to have a full fleshed-out pokémon story, so I'm going through Kanto and trying to piece together an interesting story. And since I'm playing Kanto, I've had to think about what the relationship between Red and Leaf is. (In the current rendition, they're siblings)

I've had to think loopholes through how this would work. My current thought process is that depending on what version of the game you're playing, Red/Leaf's trainer father takes one of the children at a young age to travel with him to bolster his failed mission at being a pokemon champion. At the end, he gives up and returns the sibling in shame, never to be seen again. That's why Red/Leaf both have the same mother, why there is only one bed (no child support & short notice will do that to you). The reason why Red was acknowledged by the world and Leaf forgotten is that no matter what universe, Leaf's personality will lead her to the wild (and Hoenn) while Red's to pokemon (Championship/Mt. Silver).

But in the middle of the dream, I was flabbergasted. It made so much sense. In HGSS/GSC, NO ONE remembers "Leaf", not even Blue, only "Red". Giovanni mentions "a kid" (gender neutral) which COULD have been "Leaf" at one point, and "Red" at another. And in FRLG, their sprite face makeup are IDENTICAL, the only thing different is how they present their gender

One bed, one mention? "Red" and "Leaf" must be the same intersexual person, portraying as different people throughout their adventure. "Fire Red" and "Leaf Green" are merely focusing on their part of their identity.

I thought it was a really exciting idea, but so incompatible with the story I made that I was stressing over whether I should scrap everything and make it more game-accurate (and my head was so set on Leaf and Red being different people, experiencing Life in different ways), only to wake up a few moments later disoriented and confused. I was like, "Huh? Ino?" And proceeded to think through every memory of the ending I'd accumulated up to this point.

I just saw the "Brock as Butch Lesbian" meme and was inspired to post this and send it out into the chambers of Tumblr. More queer rep for pokemon is always a good thing. And for me, this will be a personal idea l will ALWAYS love. Thanks, sleep deprived brain!

[the-real-rain-world-confessions]

Time to be a bitter bitch and roast some iterator ships, i AM the fun police /jjJJJ

Sunstone, SRS/FP: the only one that makes a lot of sense in my opinion, but somehow their portrayal in fanon is absolute garbage so 2/10 (i personally consider them to be a 10 but i am judging the fanon versions). Pebbles is made into a helpless spineless baby and Suns just takes care of him idk what else to say. Their dynamic is heavily misunderstood often portraying them straight up as mentor/protege when in reality they're just not that

Trafficlights, NSH/SRS: very boring and plain, NSH is either a daddy dom or a cutesy little clown guy, both interpretations suck, while Suns is left with zero of their traits displayed in canon other than being anxious i guess, they're weirdly regal and arrogant in a lot of interpretations. Also largely yaoi-ified 0/10

Ragequit, NSH/FP: NSH doesn't like Pebbles and seemingly has little to no interest talking to him, on top of that likely based his entire perception of him on what Moon had to say about Pebbles. Pebbles is made into some tsundere tiny twink that blushes constantly and this is very common problem with his interpretations in general you guys can't understand him to save your life 0/10

Triple divorce or whatever the fuck SRS/FP/NSH is called: one heck of a dysfunctional polycule, considering that Sig and Pebbles straight up just don't like each other 0/10 Ragequit, trafficlights and sustone made shittier basically

Lilypad, NSH/LTTM: might be idk, i personally don't view their relationship as particularly romantic. Since I think they're good friends i give it a 6/10 even though them not being romantically involved with each other is much more appealing to me

Milkshake, UI/FP: how do you even come up with this did you play the game. Innocence was not helping Pebbles in the slightest by blackmailing the guy and the fact that Wind mentions that its likely an attempt to be mean says plenty. Although not much is known about Innocence it's safe to assume they do not like Pebbles or have any intentions to help him out. The yandere UI fandom stuff is ridiculous 0/10

Moonstone, LTTM/FP: im not into incest 0/10

Eclipse, SRS/LTTM: only exists because of a somewhat cool name

Pebbles/Straw: another nothing burger ship entirely dependant on one's characterization of Straw, not ranking it

Conclusion: 90% of the tumblr rw community needs to play the game

.

[pinkcherryobseslove]

Intro & Such

All content is my own

Activity is low/none

My Carrd

This is a safe space for anyone with obsses/posses tendencies, irl yans, ppl with bpd/aspd/npd/any personality disorder, anyone neurodivergent in general

14+ to follow. 16+ to send asks.

Nothing nsfw, no kink blogs. I will block you.

Spamming is totally cool

Asks are on.

Est time, but my insomnia messes with my sleep schedule, so activity is never really on a consistent time schedule.

My account looks put together because if it didn't, it'd stress me out.

I don't like being deemed a yandere, but I add tags + have it in my user to reach others like me

Welcome ♡

You can call me Cherry

18︱they/them︱Enby Lesbian︱AuDHD︱Disabled︱artist in my free time

Taken by my love (who's also my fp)

My posses/obsess tendencies are primarily caused by my bpd, ocd & ptsd. However I do have more issues.

This is my second main, my original main had the side blog @bloodywithapinkbow

I'll post both here from now on

My first main is @badger-with-a-boa (if you want to see my other stuff & me being autistic)

Yan Types: obssesion, stalking, self sacrifice, worship, dependence, monopoly, restraints, protective, final

Yan MBTI: RAHS

(reverent, aware, honest, strict)

Soft Yan MBTI: OSWP / OSWI

Overt, smothering, wary, prepared/impulsive

Yan Big 5: ODIAF / CDIAF

(open/closed, intense, agreeable, fragile)

For asks:

16+ (15 going to 16 is okay), Women & enbys only

You can always vent to me! Just let me know if you want it posted or not

Please be sober from intoxication if you're interacting with me, as intoxication is a major trigger for me. Doesn't matter that I know or not. It's just pure respect.

Triggers:

Yelling, cursing at me, smoking, vaping, drugs, weed in any form, my father, discussions on ana, fresh & bloody scars, alcohol, any form of intoxication

Trigger warning:

Blood, violence, graphic language, self harm, sui mentions, body issues, unstable relationships, obsession, possessiveness

Will add more if I end up mentioning other potentially upsetting things

I do not condone any violence or harm. I'm letting my mind out safely. Writing it out helps urges &/or intrusive thoughts. Myself, my fiancée, & anyone else are in no danger. This is like a diary.

Tags:

#🐰💜 • ☙ : my love

#pinkyan asks • ☙ : ask responses

#pinkyan reblogs • ☙ : reblogs

#pinkyan content • ☙ : images/memes I make

#pinkyan rambles • ☙ : unrelated stuff

[pugscoffee]

Guardian Tales headcanon of what Knight has Night Terrors/Sleep Terrors.

-But first! Things to have clear!:

▪︎Some stuff mentioned here isn't nice at all.

▪︎For now. The "happenings" what are mentioned here:

1.- Happened in a lapse of 2 years and a half ingame to me,because fuck canon and their confusing way of spacing their events ingame,like,you can't tell me what that all the shit what has happened before the events in World 17 were done in less than a YEAR??? KAKAO. IT FEELS LIKE EVERYTHING HAS HAPPENED IN ALMOST 4 YEARS IN STORY-MODE TILL NOW FOR FUCKS SAKE????

2.- These happened before the start of the events in "World 12" and some even way before "World 9" events.

3.- I like to portray Knight like the kind of character who thinks what all the horrible and traumatizing stuff what they suffered for a great part of their life and the way what they react from remembering those is "normal" and "necessary" (That's what the "others" made Knight believe),so they just try to "hide it" from the others because "That's not an important thing at all",avoids in all way thinking about it and just act the way what they're (You know,happy,silly and chaotic,etc like Knight is),but there is a moment in their journey in what they're starting to reach to the conclusion that everything what happened to them was in fact NOT NORMAL or good and they've been lied for years,then the realization is getting to them little by little and making them feel horrible in the process till they hit catastrophically by that realization like a truck.

4.-My English skill isn't the best when it comes to "explaining the stuff what comes from my head" but i hope i'm being clear as possible with what i'm saying here. 😭 I'd recommend you to read more about Night Terrors to understand more if possible!

▪︎I swear what i love Knight a lot i promiseeee 🫶🏻 *traumatizes them*💞🩷 *traumatizes them*💞🩷 *traumatizes them*💞🩷 *traumatizes them*💞🩷 *traumatizes them*💞🩷 *traumatizes them*💞🩷 *traumatizes them*💞🩷 *traumatizes them*💞🩷 *traumatizes them*💞🩷 *traumatizes them*💞🩷 *traumatizes them*💞🩷 *traumatizes them*💞🩷 *traumatizes them*💞🩷

5.- Coco and Knight friendship angst coming to your door!!!!! WITH EXTRA KNIGHT ANGST WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!🎉🎉🎉🎉

Ahem! With that said. Knight has Night Terrors/Sleep Terrors about:

1.- The times what they were experimented (they have PTSD from it). 2.- The traumatic experiences what they had with FP (World 10-11). 3.-Seeing their friends dying in front of them and they couldn't do nothing to save them,like in the Alt-Knight timeline kind of dying. -Note: Option 2 and 3 of Knight's Night Terrors started to happen after World 10-11 events.

▪︎Knight normally wakes up trembling and crying out of them,sometimes feeling nauseous or almost directly vomiting out of it,maybe the rare occasions when Knight wakes up screaming out of them or wakes up in the floor,when they're asleep they tend to also kick,whimper,mutter names (at this point is kinda obvious what names could Knight be muttering) and move heavily in the process all depending of the intensity in traumatic terms the dream is going.

▪︎As some may know,when someone has Night Terrors the person cannot wake up during the dream even if they try,and the person doesn't remember what happened during the dream,so Knight really doesn't know what are exactly the dreams about but they DO have an idea of what it could be (making them feel down).

▪︎Another thing to know is what the persons who wake up from a Night Terror tend to be sweating,their heart is beating fast,they feel accelerated,panicked,etc,Knight knowing the implications of what kind of dreams could've,they try to calm down as fast as possible and get the "clouds" out of their head just to "put everything what happened under a rug and don't think about it for the rest of the day" and act like nothing happened to them with the others..... (But fool of them because they can't be holding like this forever isn't?) Sometimes they just go for a walk far away of the others in Heavenhold or play their Lyre (Knight tends to play it late in the nights when they don't really want to sleep) for a while when they wake up early in the morning from those,there were times what Eva,Craig,Loraine or Coco found them playing the Lyre and had a convo with them for a while,luckily avoiding suspicions from them.... (except for Coco and Loraine) but well,how those convos went are to talk for another day.

▪︎Knight rarely had Night Terrors,but after the events what happened in World 10-11 it became a more of an often occurrence.

▪︎The only ones for now what knows about Knight having in fact Night Terrors are Lapice,Coco,Marina,Bianca,Arabelle and Eugene. Knight had this with them (except for Coco) happening in 4 occasions,all of them happening when they had a pajama party,afterall they all were sharing the same room to sleep (3 happened before World 9 and the other one after World 10-11 events),all of them waked up,alerted,by Knight's sounds of "pain" and excessive movement. The girls haven't really tell/mentioned anyone about this happenings because of Knight's "odd request" of not doing so. Also,adding what Knight started to assist way less to their pajamas party after those "incidents".

•Marina understands Knight situation because she also has Night Terrors (but it seldom happens to her).

•Arabelle pretends to gave a f about it,but she actually cares,the way what Knight looks in pain and horror when sleeping,the struggle,is something she can relate to at some extent.... but she doesn't know how to act in this kind of situation so she just tries to ignore it to not feel that feels of "disgusting guilt and pity" according to her (Someone send everyone to therapy fr). Lapice swears what she was this close 🤏🏻 to punch Arabelle when she said that.

•Bianca,worried,offered to help Knight with their Night Terrors with Dream Terapy (and Yuze assisting her if possible) so she could in a way reduce these,afterall is clear what is NOT NORMAL for a person of their age to have Night Terrors with that frequency and neither is good for their mental and psychical health,"Oh Bianca don't worry! I tend to have these a lot,but! I don't really mind it- "YOU WHAT????? WHAT. WHAT YOU MEAN WITH WHAT YOU HAVE THESE A LOT DUMBFACE????" *proceeds to shake them like they were a ragdoll* (also she was the one to tell the others what Knight was having in fact,Night Terrors) . Knight aggressively refused Bianca's idea in a "She touched a nerve" kind of way (thing what surprised her,she knows Knight can be stubborn like a mule when it comes to accept any kind of medic help,but,the way they reacted when she mentioned it.... That made her wonder why they had such reaction to it,it felt so odd...)

•Eugene and Lapice got really worried when it happened the first time,Lapice was hugging Knight and crying when they got up (Knight was honestly confused of such reaction) from it and Eugene was really frightened,both wanted to comfort Knight,according to them when Knight waked up they looked so destroyed.... Like if they just came back from seeing something so horrible,something unspeakable..... But well,friends help friends when they feel bad isn't?,but Knight refused them with telling a "Don't worry about it! It's not a big deal!" to them.

•Coco is actually the one who knew about Knight having Night Terrors before,to me,Knight and Coco have sleepovers together only the two sometimes,they tend to share stuff what they normally don't share to others (you know! Silly secrets✨️),they're very close to eachother,not in a kind of LP and Knight relationship kind of level but yeah! they're very close to eachother,and no,Knight didn't tell to Coco what they're an..... That's a topic very...... complicated to touch....

▪︎Coco,after seeing what her friend situation is going to a worryfing level for her and she really din't knew what was exactly going on,she decided to search what could be the main source of Knight "sleeping problems",she investigated stuff about it and then there is when she learns about what Knight was having "Night Terrors" by the symptoms what they were presenting. Everything was pointing what the reason behind Knight Night Terrors could be because of a "traumatic event what they had before",it could've been Knight's lack of sleeping but a trauma was the most logic reason for a young adult like them to be in that kind of state according to the info she searched.

▪︎Coco told to Knight the current situation what they were having as a way to help them,she also mentioned how trauma affects a person,and how those mold the personality of the person if these happened in their childhood one time. One time. Coco still remembers for a moment,how Knight looked at her when she stopped talking,for a moment,Coco swears what Knight's bright eyes turned sad and tinted themselves in black,soulless and voidless..... Knight never gave her a response about it,actually,Knight never had mentioned something about their childhood or the stuff what happened to them before becoming a Guardian so Knight is for the others a kind of a mystery in that type of topic....A kind of mystery what Coco wants to solve,afterall the whole thing is suspicious as hell! when Knight is asked about stuff related to it,they just,simply doesn't respond it,ignores the question or changes the topic!

▪︎She tried to brush the topic the most what she could to see if they dropped by accident info about it but nothing was get,not even asking directly helped,Knight still shut their mouth about it. -They even reached the point of having an argument about it,and let me tell you what it didn't ended that well....Coco was mad about Knight hiding stuff from her knowing what doing it was clearly affecting them,she wanted to know why,she wanted to help her dear friend,she just can't stand here and see her friend destroy themselves like this,she cares so much of them,SHE TRUSTS KNIGHT,she wanted Knight to tell her their worries and those things what make them cry out loud of how horrible those things were....Like Knight did for her,Knight was the only one who get to hear all of Coco's thoughts,hear her heart,those bad things those good things..... Why Knight didn't want to tell her? They didn't trust her enough?....Why?.....

▪︎They really didn't talk that much to eachother after that,Knight wanted to talk like crazy about it with Coco,she trusts her a lot but it was so hard for them.....Why it was so hard to say?...... An horrible feeling always accompanied them when they tried to think about it....What if she started to look at them in another way?....Knight wanted to fix things out with Coco's friendship at least but the attack of the Invaders of Heavenhold (World 12 events start) ruined that plan for a good chunk of time unfortunately.

I would love to talk about this completely but i would be making a Bible out of this,so i am leaving this here!

[kiranapassionategamer]

Step-by-Step: How to Live Stream Your Ludo Matches

Gaming streams have developed to show the players’ activity, communicate with the audience, and sometimes even earn money. Ludo, a board game quite famous earlier and has even grown popular in this digital world, is no different. Live streaming is a great approach for a Ludo lover if you want to present your matches to the world. 

This live stream guide will help you effectively go about live streaming your Ludo matches.

Why Live Stream Your Ludo Game?

Ludo is one of several gamers that are following the trend of live broadcasting. You can: by streaming your Ludo game in real time.

Build relationships with other Ludo players to create a community.

Real-time tips and strategies exchanged.

Acquire followers and earn money from your articles.

Engage viewers in conversation to improve your game experience.

Time to Get Started with Ludo Live Streaming

To live stream your Ludo real money earning games, you need to follow the below-mentioned steps carefully:

Step 1: Choose Your Platform

Before you start streaming, decide which platform you want to use. The most popular streaming platforms are:

YouTube: Known for its vast audience and easy-to-use interface.

Twitch: The go-to platform for gamers, offering extensive live-streaming features.

Facebook Gaming: Great for reaching your existing friends and followers on Facebook.

Instagram Live: Ideal for quick, casual streams with a more personal touch.

Each platform has its features and audience, so choose the one that best fits your needs and where you believe your audience is most active.

Step 2: Set Up Your Streaming Software

To stream your Ludo matches, you’ll need streaming software. The most popular ones include:

OBS Studio (Open Broadcaster Software): Free and open-source, OBS Studio is highly customizable and works on Windows, macOS, and Linux.

Streamlabs OBS: Built on OBS Studio, it offers a more user-friendly interface and additional features tailored for streamers.

XSplit: A paid option with a straightforward interface and powerful features for Windows users.

How to Set Up OBS Studio:

Download and Install: Visit the OBS Studio website, download the software, and install it on your computer.

Create a New Scene: Open OBS Studio and click the “+” button in the “Scenes” box to create a new scene.

Add Sources: Click the “+” button in the “Sources” box to add your sources. For streaming Ludo, you’ll primarily need a “Game Capture” or “Window Capture” source to capture the game window.

Configure Settings: Go to “Settings” > “Stream” and select your streaming platform. Enter the stream key provided by your chosen platform.

Step 3: Optimize Your Stream Settings

To ensure a smooth and high-quality stream, optimize your settings in OBS Studio or your chosen streaming software:

Resolution: Set your output resolution to 720p or 1080p, depending on your internet speed and computer capabilities.

Bitrate: Adjust your bitrate according to your internet upload speed. A 2500-3500 kbps bitrate is suitable for 720p, while 4000-6000 kbps is ideal for 1080p.

FPS (Frames Per Second): Set your FPS to 30 for a standard stream or 60 if you want a smoother experience and have sufficient bandwidth.

Step 4: Prepare Your Equipment

To create a professional and engaging stream, invest in some essential equipment:

Computer or Smartphone: Ensure your device can handle the game and streaming software without lag.

Webcam: A good quality webcam adds a personal touch and helps viewers connect with you.

Microphone: Clear audio is crucial for engaging with your audience. A dedicated microphone is recommended over a built-in one.

Stable Internet Connection: A wired connection is preferable for stability. Ensure you have sufficient upload speed for streaming.

Step 5: Create Engaging Overlays and Alerts

Overlays and alerts can make your stream more engaging and visually appealing. Use tools like Streamlabs or StreamElements to create custom overlays, alerts, and widgets. These can include:

Chat Box: Display viewer comments on your screen.

Alerts: Notify viewers of new followers, subscribers, or donations.

Overlays: Add a professional touch with borders, backgrounds, and other visual elements.

Step 6: Promote Your Stream

Promotion is key to building an audience. Here are some tips to get the word out:

Social Media: Share your stream link on your social media profiles before and during your stream.

Join Communities: Participate in gaming forums, Ludo groups, and other online communities to share your stream.

Collaborate: Team up with other streamers for joint streams, which can help cross-promote your channels.

Schedule Regular Streams: Consistency helps build a loyal audience. Let your viewers know when to expect your streams.

Step 7: Engage with Your Audience

Engagement is crucial for a successful stream. Here’s how to keep your viewers interested:

Interact: Respond to comments and questions in real time.

Be Entertaining: Keep your commentary lively and entertaining.

Encourage Participation: Invite viewers to play with you or suggest strategies.

Step 8: Analyze and Improve

After each stream, take time to analyze your performance:

View Metrics: Check viewer counts, engagement rates, and other analytics your streaming platform provides.

Gather Feedback: Ask your audience for feedback on what they liked and what could be improved.

Adjust Accordingly: Make necessary adjustments to your setup, content, and streaming schedule based on the feedback and metrics.

Step 9: Monetize Your Stream

Once you have built a steady viewership, you can start monetizing your streams:

Platform Monetization: Use built-in monetization features like YouTube’s Super Chat, Twitch’s subscriptions and bits, or Facebook Stars.

Sponsorships: Collaborate with brands for sponsored content.

Donations: Encourage your audience to support you through donations on platforms like Patreon or directly through your streaming service.

Conclusion

Live streaming your Ludo matches can be a fun and rewarding experience. Following this step-by-step guide, you can set up a professional stream, engage with your audience, and potentially earn money. Remember, consistency and engagement are key to building a loyal viewer base. 

So, prepare your equipment, choose your platform, and start streaming your Ludo matches to the world.

[miloscat]

[Review] Shadow of the Colossus (PS4)

A PS2 classic, but now it looks prettier.

I first played Shadow of the Colossus nine years ago... hey wait, this year is this blog's tenth anniversary! Wow! Anyway, I played the 2011 HD remaster on PS3 at that time, which was done by Bluepoint. Seven years later they had another crack, this time doing a full remake which goes further in modernising this classic without changing it too much.

Ever since I learned about all the cut content from the seminal PS2 game I hoped that maybe some new colossi would be added to this remake based on the concepts. Bluepoint's approach seems more concerned with faithfully recreating the gameplay, with their main addition being new hidden collectibles that recall old community secret-hunting. They seem to have taken to this project with a lot of care and respect, which I have to in turn respect myself, even if I personally wanted more of a shakeup.

Team Ico's 2005 game is a classic for a reason, and its stark world and cool ideas for fighting giants still hold up. The latter is untouched here, complete with the still-impressive scale, the often janky jumping and clambering, and the colossi whose fights vary from exhilarating to tedious (to paraphrase 2015 me). On balance there's more great moments than there are rough spots, but those moments of friction can be painful.

As for the world and the art design, this is the biggest change in this version. Recreating all the assets gave Bluepoint the opportunity to add a lot more detail to the environments, which depending on who you ask may detract from the atmosphere of the original. For my part I love the new vibrancy to the world, not to mention the elimination of fog, pop-in, and the excessive bloom lighting effects. This forbidden land retains its desolate beauty, only… I can see it better now. Performance Mode's smooth 60 fps framerate (on PS4 Pro or PS5) is the next-gen cherry on top; switching to Cinematic Mode was hard on the eyes in comparison.

I enjoyed revisiting this world, and the boss fights. Hunting for lizards in the open world is a nice breather (although changing the HUD to no longer have a giant grip circle is one minor nitpick I have with this remake). All the original's secrets and unlocks are back with a few new extras, but... while these bonus modes and things are great for people who really love the game, I merely "really like" it, and couldn't face spending 45 minutes on that final boss multiple more times for some bonuses that aren't even usable in Time Attack itself. I did two fights in this time-pressure mode but adding this limit only resulted in frustration for me, not fun.

The new 79 enlightenment coins are also a nice extra that motivate you to thoroughly explore the game world's nooks and crannies, but there's no in-game checklist and getting them all apparently requires hard mode Time Attack near-completion. It seemed daunting to the point of exhaustion for me and I decided my time with the game was once again at an end. I have more Team Ico and related games that are new to me that I'm keen to move on to!

[cat-buried-in-tall-grass]

arsene - azathoth + loki for mieran?? :0

arsene: has your oc ever been wronged by those around them? how bad was it? does it still affect them?

in a way, fate wronged him by making him come back when he decided the realm of living wasn't for him anymore. it affects him, every day, because even though he's not necessarily the person that killed themself, he still has to deal with that misery.

more utc !! sui + s/h mention cw, mild but yk

zorro: does your oc remember their past, if they have one? do they miss it? how do they feel about it?

he remembers his past life as quinn. it's complicated, it's like... he's haunting himself. he knows that's "him", he's kept his feelings, likes, relationships, but that's also... very much a different person. a living being, which he is not. but he doesn't miss that. not anymore.

captain kidd: does your oc have any scars or injuries? where do they come from? have they healed? how do they feel about them?

technically, in his "default" state, he has both the top surgery scars AND the cutting scars on his thighs that quinn had. but he doesn't really use that body lol the one he actually uses didn't have a top to surgery so it's mostly fine

carmen: what's your oc's relationship with their own body, in general? do they have any true confidence in their own appearance?

depends on the body! he feels a little disconnected from the default one, dysphoria both from gender stuff and the fact that it's not "his", while the one he uses (even if it is pretty similar) is one he's much more comfortable with. wonders of shapeshifting have allowed him to match how he wants to be.

goemon: is your oc partial to the arts? which ones? do they actually partake in them? do they see meaning in them?

his form of existence directly ties to art! specifically painting, drawing, and honstely throw a lil calligraphy in there too, his skin is quite literally stained with the ink that he uses to reap souls. he loves it, he sees meaning in them as they have given HIM a meaning completely untied to the sciences quinn dealt with.

johanna: what are your oc's religious beliefs, if they have any? are these beliefs commonplace where they live? do they practice this religion?

he's uh. he's the finalist equivalent of an angel? he isn't religious, never was, only really partakes in the religious practices he's invited to. but he is a figure of religion, technically, which is common across all reapers lol-

necronomicon: is your oc skilled with technology? to what extent? is it appreciated by the people around them?

pretty much! he is a Gamer™ so he knows his way around technology, and it's appreciated whenever anyone needs a last person for fps games lmfao

milady: does your oc come from wealth, poverty, or somewhere in between? what's their current situation with wealth? how'd their economic upbringing affect their current personality?

somewhere in the middle, upper middle class. money was rarely an issue, not when you work for the hea as a researcher and scholar. he's... well, above wealth? he's dead, he has no material needs, money doesn't exist to him as a necessity.

robin hood: did your oc have any childhood heroes, real or fictional? do they still look up to them now? why?

well... none that he can immediately recall. and he doesn't wanna recall too much. that childhood isn't his. it's not even the childhood of the man he's born from, really.

cendrillon: what's your oc's relationship with sports? what affects it?

he's not BAD at them by any means, esp now that he's developed his agility and all... but the nerd stereotype checks out. he's not great at em.

azathoth: what formal education has your oc received? what other forms of education? do they have any relation to academia?

HA. finished highschool and kinda... spedran a Death And Universe Studies major at the hea. his education was always somewhat higher, different. academia ruined quinn, though. it stripped him of joy and personhood. so mieran doesn't like it. not one bit.

loki: does your oc believe in revenge? in retributive justice? in punishment? at what cost? for whom?

he understands, logically, that it's wrong. that eye for an eye doesn't work on a large scale, that destiny somehow will always manage to deliver true justice, even if at a great cost. but he can't help but relish it. it feels right, it feels deserved, just. he wishes he could've had it. but it's just that: a personal, selfish wish. not a want. not a need.

[inventors-fair]

Ya Basic - Back to Nonbasics Commentary

It's that time of the week again, folks! Here's the commentary for the remainder of the submissions. One thing I want to mention before getting into the card-by-card feedback is a few recurring themes I noticed; namely, the purpose lands serve in a game of Magic. Ultimately, big, splashy, game-changing effects should be ones that players can interact with. That's why they show up on other card types, and often cost a hefty amount of mana. Lands, on the other hand, are meant to provide you with resources in order to help you play the game. Obviously, they can do more than just tap for one mana apiece, but the line is a tricky one to draw. In the FPS analogy of magic, Torment of Hailfire is the DPS, and your lands are the support roles. Some of the submissions this week cross that line a bit, trying to make lands that are cool and flashy all on their own. And I get it! The very nature of this contest demands that you make something exciting and revolutionary so it'll stand out! But, hopefully as the winners and runners-up show, I will usually give more praise to a "boring" but well-designed card than I will to something that goes all-out on flashiness for the sake of it. Obviously that's my personal proclivity and I can't speak for the other judges, but there you have it. As always, I am available here or on Discord if you want to converse about feedback or pick my brain for reasons unrelated.

Ugh, that was a ramble. Here's the lands!

Astral Canvas by @spooky-bard

So far, we’ve only seen one enchantment land- I assume they’re a bit more dangerous than artifact lands because of the prevalence of constellation effects? Anyways, this seems like a fairly balanced one in that regard. Sure, you get an enchantment ETB, but this is a waste (heh) until you are able to play more enchantments- which are almost always colored, so this doesn’t really help you with mana fixing. I think it’s pretty solid balance-wise. The flavor is a bit generic, but I suppose that’s better than making it the billionth theros-themed enchantment effect. All in all, it’s a very solid card, and was pretty close to winning this week.

Aurora Barrows by @i-am-the-one-who-wololoes

Threshold is an old mechanic for sure, meaning that it was underutilized when it first debuted. This is a pretty simple take on it, but one that makes a lot of sense- it’s the generic rainbow land that turns itself on with the set mechanic. However, I think threshold is just a little too mid-game-y for this land to ever be useful. With conditional rainbow lands, you want to have the possibility of turning them on in the first few turns in order to really get a use out of them, but threshold is hard to hit that fast unless you’re aggressively going for a self mill strategy. Which, hey, every card has its place, but this one just doesn’t seem worth playing to me.

Breathtaking Vista by @snugz

Okay, using inspired as a mechanic to represent literal artistic inspiration is very clever, and you worked the name and flavor text in a way I can really appreciate. I do think there’s some logistical issues with the timing of the trigger and the fact that it’s on a land- this is a really easy trigger to just get absolutely buried in the flurry of actions that is your beginning phase, and I’m not sure if I see an easy way to fix that. This does put me in mind of an art-themed world, however, which is a fascinating concept to me, and one I hope you might expand on.

Cacophonous Catacomb by @izzet-always-r-versus-u

The long-lost sibling of our Threshold land above. This one fixes some of the issues I had with Aurora Barrows- namely, it helps enable itself, delirium is conditionally easier than threshold depending on deck construction, and the reward is a bit greater, with two mana instead of a single rainbow mana. However, I wonder if this might be too good? Not because of the reward, but I can think of a lot of decks that would love a free mill every turn, or four if you hit your playset of these. There is admittedly the tradeoff of not having colored mana from these, but I would like to see how this plays in a strong reanimator shell before passing any real judgement.

Collapsing Peatland by @salamileg

This is one of those cards that I thought I knew what it said, but had to come back and reread it to make sure. The addition of the word “land” here really changes this from a strong enabler card to a balanced dual land, since the opportunity cost of having to pitch another land makes it a big decision. I would personally make sure to include reminder text that it taps for black and green, but that’s a small nitpick. Also, that flavor text is really depressing. Not a criticism, but dang.

Dormant Volcano // Fields of Ash by @helloijustreadyourpost

I missed the transform clause at first and realy thought you put a repeatable board wipe on a land, and I was ready to just shake my head in disappointment. However, it’s a much cleaner design than that, and I never should have doubted you. HOWEVER, there are some logistical issues to be found here. Obviously, you want to hold the board wipe until you can be sure you’re killing as many creatures as possible, since you only have one shot to get this guy loaded with corpse counters. The issue arises when the land transforms, you go to combat, and all of a sudden you’re forgetting the delayed corpse counter triggers since you don’t have that text right in front of you. Since the land is already tapped, I think the easiest solution would be to have it transform at the beginning of the next end step. Little functional difference, but it means that it’ll be easier to remember and track the creatures that were caught in the eruption.

Forsaken Battlefield by @bergdg

Simple, classic, and... maybe not that good? Hey, it would be pretty solid in Limited, and that counts for something. Maybe Prosper EDH would like it. In a multiplayer game, you’re pretty likely to hit this at least once a round, so it’s just a matter of holding up two mana in the hopes of stockpiling more. Honestly though? I think this might play better if you up the threshold to two or three creatures dying, and then remove the mana cost and just allow it to tap. That makes it feel more like a battlefield if multiple things have to die, and removes a bit of the opportunity cost of having to hold another land in reserve alongside this one.

Harmonious Karst by @horsecrash

So, I’m honestly unsure about how to judge this one. I did ask for some consideration of Limited viability, and even if planechase could be made into a draft set (god I want it so bad Wizards please give it to me), this seems like it would be a very swingy land at uncommon, especially if it’s a cycle like the typing implies. Sure, always entering tapped is a downside, but making it so that you have two free rolls of the planar die every turn seems really good in a set built around the concept. Obviously it’s impossible to really judge this without seeing it in action, but I think I would like this better at rare, and maybe as a rainbow land instead of a dual that implies a full or half cycle of these.

Hazardous Warehouse by @0woah

Hoo boy, this land seems pretty straightforward, but I reckon the rules would get FUNKY. What happens if you reveal a Reflecting Pool or Exotic Orchard? Can those lands see the battlefield? Can the game even recognize what mana a land card in your hand is capable of producing? I would definitely have to consult with someone more experienced than me to see if this would work, and the confusion might not be worth it. It’s still an incredibly cool concept though, that’s for sure. The last ability could use some tightening up on the wording, since currently it looks like it can only exile creatures that already have that many time counters on it. Also, if you’re in even a decent shape, that’s essentially just a permanent, repeatable exile on a land, which is... a little scary. Lots of cool ideas here, but temperance is the key to making a solid design, especially a land.

Howling Cliff by @deg99

I do think we could stand to see more of the typal “if you control this creature or have one in hand” lands, like Murmuring Bosk. Wolf/ Werewolf is a dual tribe that makes a lot of sense here, and the first half of the card is great. I’m honestly not sure how to feel about that last ability- I get that you want to make allowances for old and new werewolves, but the way you balanced it, it looks like it was meant to transform a single werewolf, then you hastily added the day/night text because you realized a new werewolf wouldn’t transform- but then forgot to take into account that the ability now transforms ALL your werewolves. What’s more, at 6 functional mana, you’re likely putting most of your mana into this, meaning you won’t be casting spells, meaning the day/night becomes a bit redundant. It’s a tricky one for sure, and I don’t have a solution for you, but it does need some kind of adjustment.

Karbranth Grand Clinic by @mmmmmin

Thought you could sneak a Stormlight Archives reference by me, huh? Huh??? Jokes aside, it is important to bring up the fact that we tend to avoid Universe Beyond cards in the contests unless we explicitly ask for them, such as when we run our IP contests. That being said, I am going to assume this was an act of not knowing the rules, rather than deliberate malice, so I’m going to evaluate the card as though it was just a generic MTG land. I do like how the paying life/ lifelink abilities synergize, allowing you to hopefully regain the life you’ve lost to this land, while not making it too easy with a power boost. The third ability is where things fall apart for me a little bit, since you seem to have gone for flavor over gameplay. Citizen is a very niche creature type, so I think this could have just allowed you to sacrifice any creature. Investigate is neat, for sure- the talk of samples and death implies that killing people gives you clues- but why the coin flip? That just seems out of nowhere, and doesn’t really mesh with the design. A good question to ask yourself at this stage is “what deck does this want to be in?” At the moment, this wants to have Citizen typal, be an aristocrats deck to make the sacrifice worth it, maybe care about clues to some degree, and then also be able to manipulate coin flips. It’s pulling in a lot of different directions, which doesn’t really do it many favours, obscuring the really cool ideas you had. 

Lochthwain, Compleated by @curiooftheheart

Okay, this is definitely one of the coolest “ETB untapped” conditions I’ve seen. It makes sense that “legendary” locations should care about Legendary figures. The different take on Castle Locthwain’s card draw is also pretty sweet, still rewarding you for having a smaller hand rather than being greedy. However, I just don’t see the phyrexian flavor here? This could just be Locthwain 2.0. It has the same card draw, the same life loss, etc, so where is the Compleated part coming from? I guess that might be a little too nitpicky, and I don’t know what exactly I expected, but Compleated made me think there would be some mechanical tangent it would go on to differentiate itself from the OG design.

Marrow Dunes by @certification-wizard

One of our other Desert cards this week, and another one that cares about the graveyard- in a cool way, too. Not only does this provide prime fodder for the cards asking you to sacrifice a desert, but it then gives you more deserts to use for said abilities. It’s a nicely designed card, with one small hurdle- namely, land tokens are a pretty tough sell. The only cards that make Land tokens right now also make them creatures, because it’s all too easy to run into complicated issues with forgetting which lands are real and which are tokens, accidentally shuffling them in, etc. It’s still a very cool idea, and frankly Desert tokens probably have a lot less issues in this regard than basic land tokens would, but it’s worth pointing out.

Migrating Star Scape by @little-red-rabbit

Okay, nitpicks outta the way first- this land is technically white and blue because of the color indicator, and lands should be colorless- plus, watch the ordering of mana symbols: It should be 2WU. Apart from that, this is a really neat Treasure Planet-esque land! Ships sailing the stars, magical ocean creatures swimming in space- there’s a lot of flavor to plumb there, and this does a really good job of it. See above for my comments on enchantment lands in general. However, in a dedicated enchantment deck, that’s gonna be a LOT of unblockable fish. I think the scale needs to be brought down on that, especially since it’s a land as well, and four mana is not a particularly difficult threshold to meet.

Parotia, Wrenn’s Legacy by @marrinara-sauce

Ahh, the classic Planeswalker land. Something many a designer, including myself, have tried to make work. And frankly? You did a really good job of balancing it to make sure it wouldn’t absolutely take over the game if left unchecked. It works pretty much like a land in almost every scenario, which is something to be commended for, that kind of restraint is not usually seen in these designs. However, by their very nature, Planeswalkers warp the game around them. They change the rules, and give your opponents another “mini player” to consider. As mentioned in the intro, lands are the exact opposite of that. They should be playing a support role, not completely changing how the game is played. Combine that with the absolute feelbad of drawing into multiple of these, or losing your land drop to an aggro deck, means that Planeswalker lands are unfortunately a pretty flawed premise. 

Queiscent Summit by @grornt

Interestingly, eight or more lands was the Quandrix subtheme in strixhaven, and I kinda expected this to take on some of that flavor. Regardless, this is a fairly neat manland. It taps for mana, it filters when needed, and it can become a late game beater. I don’t have too much to say about it honestly, since it seems pretty well designed. The one minor detail that slipped by you is that it should have haste in creature form- if this is your eighth land drop, and all of a sudden you have a land you can’t tap for mana right away... it gets confusing. Haste is definitely something this design wants, in the same way that Nissa and her animation spells grant haste so you don’t have to keep track of which lands are summoning sick and which aren’t.

Stallblast Cliff by @dimestoretajic

I definitely have some mixed feelings on this one. I like the idea of a scaling reward based on when you play this, and the basic is a good rider to ensure you’re not just playing this with a bunch of fancy duals. At the same time, though, I think the two/three land threshold is a bit confusing, and this might have wanted the Dwarven Mine templating or something similar. I don’t know, maybe that’s me being too cautious. It’s entirely possible, honestly. Also, it’s worth wondering if a lightning bolt is too efficient for a land. Sure, it’s essentially a mini Valakut, but they have very different thresholds, and four copies of this can go a long way. At minimum, this probably shouldn’t be at common.

Starved Caldera by @bread-into-toast

This is a very cute way to animate a land, and I think a set of these with various “whenever you do this, it becomes a creature” would be kinda neat, especially to juxtapose the deliberate activated ability manlands that are more prevalent. I do think this wants the “triggers only once each turn” templating to make it a little cleaner, but apart from that, this looks pretty good to me. The name is just so evocative and chilling, it’s... whoof. I don’t wanna get on the bad side of whatever is hanging out there. My one other tiny nitpick is that you may wanna have your art and name agree with each other more, since there is a distinct lack of water hanging out in that art. Volcanoes are cool hot though, so I’ll let it slide.

The Font of Creation by @wolkemesser

This one is definitely tough to evaluate. The design you’re going for is a great idea, and you’ve definitely thought to account for corner cases, which is good, but I’ll be frank- this is not a land. This completely changes how the game is played, and forces your opponents to play by those rules as well, which is fine for designs! But this is a high-cost artifact or enchantment kind of design, not one that should be able to be dropped on turn 1 for free. Also with that in mind, trying to evaluate how a card can be broken, and making adjustments to reflect that, is a good way to improve a design. However, the best solution usually isn’t to just tack a new ability on there to prevent that abuse from happening, usually you want to try and reword the original ability to prevent that kind of abuse. Ultimately, this card is just trying to do way too much- the complexity and power level are more appropriate for a more mana-intensive card, and that’s after making some adjustments to clean up the various abilities on here.

Thunderstruck Starscape by @lanabutnotdelray

I really do like how creative people got with untap conditions this week, and this one is no exception. It’s clever, flavorful, and all in all just hits the mark. First things first, blah blah blah enchantment lands, I won’t get into all that again. Second- in a blue-red deck, two devotion seems laughably easy. This is saying “this enters untapped unless you’ve played a spell”, which to be fair is not nothing, but it makes the devotion aspect less necessary. This is me going off of a gut feeling, but I think 3 might be the magic number on this- keep in mind that devotion to two colors is much easier than to one, which is why the dual-color gods have to hit seven instead of five. Likewise, I could see two working for a single color of devotion, but I think for two I wanna see what a threshold of three would look like. Apart from that, love the design.

Tidal Graveyard by @azathoth-the-bored

I do love niche typal lands, they’re fun and often just make for cute designs. This one is pretty standard as far as things go- the costs seem pretty appropriate, especially since Crab is a pretty small type and it’s not known for making a ton of tokens. However, most other typal lands try to lean into the creature type’s mechanical identity. Sometimes there isn’t one, of course, but crabs do have a couple decent identities of high toughness and of milling. Leaning into one of those could have made for an even neater design, since drawing a card just seems like a bit of a generic payoff, as things go.

Undergrowth Tangle by @stupidstupidratcreatures

I am glad that you had the foresight to have the enter unconditionally tapped, since that shows you’re treating mill as the upside it is. Not an incredible upside, granted, but a playset of these will do a whole lot of work in a reanimator shell. Like the delirium design also submitted this week, I would want to see it in action to properly judge, since this could be a big power boost in the right decks.

Unending Sands by @just--a--penguin

Our final desert of the week- interestingly, most of them had to do with exiling from grave instead of sacrificing. It’s an interesting way to make sure they synergize with existing deserts rather than trying to compete in the same space as them, and invokes a really neat hypothetical draft format. Return to Amonkhet perhaps, with deserts as a proper archetype this time? Anything can happen. I don’t have much else to say here- 5 mana for a 4/4 token seems fair, especially when you have to jump through the hoop of getting this into your graveyard first. All in all, it’s a neat design for sure, though maybe the name could have been a biiit less on the nose.

Velis Vel by @sombramainexe

Hoo boy, okay. I don’t want to be too harsh on the commentary for this one, but tribal is a card type that isn’t used anymore for very good reasons. Even a single tribal card is very unlikely, and more likely to be used as a silly callback. However, this makes everything into a tribal card, and doesn’t even give most of them creature types. This would result in a lot of confusion and a LOT of memory issues, as well as some odd corner cases. For example, would Eye of the Storm gain the “Eye” creature type? Some of this could be fixed with templating, but a lot of it is just fundamentally not going to work very well. Also, Tribal lands are a whole mess on their own- even when they originally made tribal, they didn’t wanna mess with it that much. I do think this is an incredibly creative idea, and I applaud you for really pushing the boundaries- because what is this contest for if not to display creativity? However, it’s worth tempering that creativity with design principles- after all, they exist for a reason. This also serves as a great reminder that the hive mind over in our discord is always happy to discuss cards and bounce ideas off of each other if you ever want to refine your design before submission.

And that's that! You are now in the hands of the ever-capable, incorruptible @gollumni- we have five judges once again, so I will see you in five weeks! Farewell!

[gg-selvish]

bpd in rules

something i want to talk about in regards to rules is to dig a little deeper into the inspiration for george’s behaviour via bpd symptoms. it might read kind of weird throughout the fic that george is in love with sapnap and dream yet the feelings are so unbalanced and he seems to process his love for sapnap a lot easier than his love for dream.

this is because a core element of the mental illness symptoms in rules is george having favourite person symptoms which is a bpd trait where essentially all of ur emotional stability and self worth is determined by the attention and affection u get from ur favourite person.

fps arent always romantic interests/partners, they can be friends or a family member or even a teacher who u really admire. balancing fp symptoms for one partner and normal love for another is really difficult, which is one of the reasons george seems to ‘forget’ about dream a lot. he’s simply not on his radar because sapnap is taking over his whole brain.

the withdrawals mentioned are a real phenomenon of bpd. going without one’s fp especially after a break up (or similar separation; in this case sapnap going back to florida after the uk trip) there’s physical symptoms of loss as well as mental anguish. lots of distress and ur brain chemicals going all out of whack because u literally depend on them for stability and self-worth. it can be dangerous without proper boundaries which is evident in the fic lol. the lack of proper boundaries within this dynamic like, the whole fic.

the issue is that george's bpd traits in the fic are completely unknown to anyone in the relationship, no one knows why he feels this way he's just batshit crazy and the only way he knows how to deal with it is taking control of the situation by adding rules (his bpd is comorbid with autism which could be like a whole other rant. but in this case i'll just mention it to highlight his need for self-imposed structure and routine.) thats another reason why he bumps heads with dream so much, he's got different ideas for their relationship and george is stuck in his ways and struggles to bend to other's whims and compromise.

so even though it seems very georgenap heavy i hope that as the fic progresses people can pick up that george loves dream very much, as evidenced by the line with sapnap where he tells him they're in the same spot on his mental podium. despite the fp symptoms he's rational enough to know that dream and sapnap are both his partners and he loves both of them, it's just his thoughts and behaviours that are warped. his feelings are set in stone and he's aware of them. (there's thing thing in cognitive behavioural therapy that's a triangle of feelings, thoughts, and behaviours that all feed into each other, and rules is an example of negative thought patterns effecting behaviours which effect feelings; causing dissonance)

now i'm not a therapist or even a psych student this fic was a lot of projection of stuff i've got rolling around in my brain, but ive been told so far that's its a reasonable portrayal of those comorbidities so i figured i'd delve more into my personal perception of it and my intent with the fic, even though i suppose the whole point of art is that my intent doesn't matter... just stuff to think about if u enjoyed the fic!

[kirkped]

Recently a call out post has been made about me and I am going to go over the stuff mentioned in the post.

I do have to put this disclaimer, but I’m sure some of you already know that I am severely mentally ill and live in a very hostile environment and this was and still is the case for all these points while I was 11-12 while most of this happened. Of course I am not using this as an excuse for my terrible actions but I feel like this is important to know in some context.

I do also have to mention that I have no access to psychiatric help and my medicine, which I need. Due to my guardian refusing to get me psychiatric help because she believes that the reason I am mentally ill is because I am brainwashed into thinking that I am ill. So at the moment I have no way of receiving help so the only way I keep myself occupied from all the bad things happening to me in real life Is through the internet so I can escape from reality which is why I will say that I will not leave the internet, I will only not be active on my social media accounts. I really wish I could properly step away from the internet but I am afraid this is not possible at the moment since the internet is the only way I can communicate with people. Again I will emphasize that I am not using this as an excuse for my actions. I will now go over the stuff.

Firstly I would like to talk about the racism and racefaking.

At the time I thought being edgy like that was hilarious, and being an edgelord 11-year-old I did some really awful things like saying the n-word which I can’t reclaim since I am fully Asian. But during that time I heard from somewhere claiming that it was okay for middle easterners to say the n word and claim to be black since “they have African blood in them”, you can see how ridiculous that sounds, but I was very gullible so I actually believed that and went around saying I was black, when in fact I was not.

In early 2022 is when I realized that what I was doing was wrong but I was too scared to tell my friends at the time because I was scared of them getting mad at me so I just lied. I wish I could to apologize to those friends who I deceived but I don’t think I have the chance. And I really regret what I’ve done to this day, and I now understand what I’ve done.

Next up, me abusing someone. I will go over our relationship.

Me and him first began dating back in mid-January 2023, when I was 12 and he was a month away from being 14.

Things pretty much went alright until it was his birthday. One thing I need to mention is that I have BPD and I am not using it as an excuse but I feel like it could explain my behaviors then. He was my FP [Favorite Person. Pretty much someone who PwBPD can’t live without] and I was very dependent on him so even tho a day before his birthday he did say he would be busy but that still sent me spiraling because I wanted to be with him all the times or I felt like he disliked me and I was scared being without him so I got mad when he wouldn’t answer. Which I know is an asshole move on my part and for that I am sorry, I should’ve just accepted that he was going to be busy rather getting mad at him for something he had no control of. Our relationship just kept deteriorating because of my poor ability to regulate my BPD symptoms at the time. I had no idea how to control myself nor how to cope properly with such things so I would end up splitting on him a few times due just how overwhelmed I would be in general and I was really mad that the relationship was going nowhere I was scared of losing him I didn’t know what to do to prevent him from abandoning.

It was one day when I was in a manic episode I decided I would “test people to see if they actually cared about me” which ended up in me writing a suicide note and sending it to multiple people. To be honest that day I did take a bunch of ibuprofen tablets, I think it was a whole box of them. You cannot overdose on ibuprofen but if you do take a lot you will be sick, which is what happened to me I would keep throwing up and I had to visit the hospital because I was awfully sick, I don’t remember how the visit went to be honest. But I still feel really bad for scaring them like that and deeply regret doing that.

Next I’m going over me not respecting boundaries

I have issues having to adapt to other boundaries in general I don’t know what the explanation could be for that.

I also tend to block evade because I just have this constant desire to make amends with him, I just am really desperate to try and prove myself that I am not a horrible person in general so I do anything to try and make things better between us. Which is bad because I just can’t seem to leave him alone no matter what due to just how desperate I am to try and improve things. So I am trying to slowly work on that.

To be honest I don’t know why I keep trying to get him to see that I am getting better despite it being the opposite, my mental health only keeps deteriorating more and more because my main focus in life is just to try and get him to forgive me even tho there’s no chance of that happening from what I think.

I think that I am just going to accept that he is moving on from me and distance myself because this whole thing took a huge toll on my health in general too and I want to get better I don’t want to be a horrible person but again I am not sure if I’ll ever get better. Not using this as an excuse for my actions again

And lastly

I am actively trying to get better but it’s just difficult with the environment I am in, I really am trying my best so please forgive me if I still make any mistakes and feel free to call me out on that I will listen and try to change. I am really sorry for all my actions and those I’ve hurt and the effects I’ve had on them.

I will be abandoning this account and it’s only going to be still up because I can’t delete it due to it being attached to an email I don’t have access to.

If you would like to discuss with me about anything I am available at @giantisopodic on discord since i wont be using this account anymore

Thank you for reading and goodbye.

- Xóchitl

[nie-momo]

Keyboards & Switches

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Alright, so before I really got into the whole keyboard thing, I didn't know there were different types of switches in mechanical keyboards. Actually, I did, but my knowledge only went so far as to Cherry Reds or Cherry Blues. Since looking into the keyboard game/world, I've learned that the technical terms for it all were as follows: Linear, Tactile, Clicky.

I honestly don't know all too much about them currently since I'm still learning, but I prefer tactile switches. It's a good inbetween from Clicky and Linear. Although, you do get a more typing fatigue with tactile/clicky switches because of the feedback, so if you want something that wouldn't get your wrists/hands tired from typing so much (especailly if it's for work or for typing up papers for school), linear is your best way to go.

The fast response makes it so much easier and faster to type, but personally would make so many more errors because of the lack of physical feedback letting you know if you pressed the keys or not.

For gaming, Linear is really what's reccomended because of the fast response, but I found that I kept making a lot of mistakes gaming with Linear switches. It really just depends on what your preferences are.

Right now, for my HJS AL75 I'm using Holy Pandas v2 5-pin switches. For my 60% Alice I'm now using Holy Pandas V1 3-pin switches. but I used to have the KTT Halu-Halo V2 switches. For my 96% I'm using blue switches. The holy pandas are both Tactile switches, the 75% is just a bit more updated and 5-pins instead of 3. The Halu Halo V2 are linear swtiches.

I switches out the Halu-Halo switches for the Holy Pandas because I would play Pal World with my husband and I found myself accidentally hitting the space bar causing my character to jump for no reason. Really threw me off a lot and made me mess up a lot especially during battles with other pals or even bosses. I'll prolly build one of my unfinished keyboards to linear for FPS games since you really need a fast response when playing them. Though, I haven't touched a FPS game in so long.... prolly ... 5-6 years now.

Anywho, Take a look for yourself if you're intersted! I've included some links below to some of the things I use/mentioned here. Till next time!

The 60% Keyboard I use:

Holy Panda Switches:

The 98% Keyboard I'm using: