#form before anything. like im not saying the writing should be the extreme opposite of that. but its also not something in character ykwim

[skunkes]

Drop that 0.01% fic that’s got the right vibe on silco because I’ve YET to find it & keep getting the ick trying to dig through some… creative… fics. NOT TO BE AN ASSHOLE like everyone has different tastes you can write what you want that’s what I do I get it but. I have to go back to the show to see The Truth. Which is that if I put myself within 10 feet of this man I’d be under the heel of his boot before a spec of drool could leave my wanting mouth. I wanna feel the arthritis creaking his knuckles while he tries to see how many times an airway can collapse

So ive been having several thoughts on this both specific to him and also as a whole

how i don't like that every single character (across all fandoms...) manages to get reduced to the same stereotypical lovey (or secretly so) romantic lead archetype, but also how I do love, from the outside, that it exists. especially in the reader ones... like theres something very Cute about people being like no, this character WOULD love me and drop guard for ME only. Less cute when everybody does it the exact same way for every character, the universal template.

Anyway I've actually yet to find any 😭 sometimes I'll think a fic is going good then they whip out the pet names every other sentence, the therapy speak explanation of Feelings, immediate resolution of decades of issues (<- this is present in all fandoms, and extra grating when it comes to characters like This Guy)...which i guess is fair depending on the piece (obvs a 1 chapter work isnt going to have time for all this. It doesnt have to be perfect like that! Actually none of these ppl are doing anything bad, ppl can write whatever they want, but it rly does feel like everyones just copying each other nonstop and sameifying every character vs actually thinking about...the character's personality...its all at the expense of the characters personality...)

Anyway maybe u should write something bc you've put much better imagery in my mind and piqued my incherest with those few sentences alone 😭 LMAO

[doctorskeleton]

 Gordon Freeman’s thesis is titled Observation of Einstein-Podolsky-Rosen Entanglement on Supraquantum Structures by Induction Through Nonlinear Transuranic Crystal of Extremely Long Wavelength (ELW) Pulse from Mode-Locked Source Array in this essay i will pick it apart piece by piece to better understand what the fuck it means

Einsten-Podolsky-Rosen Entanglement This bit is one of the staples of Quantum Mechanics, called the EPR paradox/entanglement. We should already know that entanglement, as a basic part of quantum physics, is when two separate particles rely on each other on their positions. It's the idea that if you measure/observe one particle, you could accurately predict the other particle because the two are ~entangled~ The EPR paradox is a a thought experiment, like a lot of quantum physics is.

The thought experiment involves a pair of particles prepared in an entangled state (note that this terminology was invented only later). Einstein, Podolsky, and Rosen pointed out that, in this state, if the position of the first particle were measured, the result of measuring the position of the second particle could be predicted. If, instead, the momentum of the first particle were measured, then the result of measuring the momentum of the second particle could be predicted. They argued that no action taken on the first particle could instantaneously affect the other, since this would involve information being transmitted faster than light, which is forbidden by the theory of relativity. They invoked a principle, later known as the "EPR criterion of reality", positing that, "If, without in any way disturbing a system, we can predict with certainty (i.e., with probability equal to unity) the value of a physical quantity, then there exists an element of reality corresponding to that quantity". From this, they inferred that the second particle must have a definite value of position and of momentum prior to either being measured. This contradicted the view associated with Niels Bohr and Werner Heisenberg, according to which a quantum particle does not have a definite value of a property like momentum until the measurement takes place.

Supraquantum Structures I can't find any definitions nor anything in scientific papers that tell me what this is without me having to go down a rabbithole of terminology. So instead I'm going to look at the terminology itself to see what it means. Supra is a prefix meaning "above" or "beyond". The definition of quantum is "a discrete quantity of energy proportional in magnitude to the frequency of the radiation it represents." That's a little obtuse for a definition so let's just go witth this instead. "Quantum mechanics is a fundamental theory in physics that describes the physical properties of nature at small scales, of the order of atoms and subatomic particles."  If we take "quantum" to mean "atoms/subatomic particles" then Supraquatum would just mean something bigger than a particle, right? A supraquantum structure could be a single cell organism.

Now, lets put the first bit together, EPR Entanglement on supraquantum structures. These are observations on the entanglement of objects bigger than particles, which is hard to prove in it of itself, so the next bit must be important to the entire puzzle Induction through Nonlinear Transuranic Crystal of Extremely Long Wavelength Induction is a way of charging objects. In the induction process, a charged object is brought near but not touched to a neutral conducting object. The presence of a charged object near a neutral conductor will force (or induce) electrons within the conductor to move.Nonlinear dynamics is the branch of physics that studies systems governed by equations more complex than the linear, aX+b form. Nonlinear systems, such as the weather or neurons, often appear chaotic, unpredictable or counter-intuitive, and yet their behavior is not random. Transuranic just means any element with a higher atomic number than uranium (92) So i seemed to have glanced over the "pulse" bit in the thesis title because of the acronym throwing me off. so the ELW pulse from a mode-locked source array is the electric pulses coming from the test chamber's laser "source array", and its Mode-Locked. 

Mode-locking is a technique in optics by which a laser can be made to produce pulses of light of extremely short duration

I can't find any definition of souce array so im going to assume that's what the laser machine is. This bit was easy, but to go on about it; the electric pulses/lasers theyre using to induct the crystal is on the long part of the wavelength scale, which doesnt make much sense considering that it looks like electricity. It makes more sense once you consider what the scientists say before you enter the test chamber "I'm afraid we'll be deviating a bit from standard analysis procedures today, Gordon" "This is the purest sample we've seen yet, and potentially the most unstable" Now, the actual machine is called the Anti-Mass Spectrometer, and it only really exists in half-life. but if i pick apart the name i can figure out what it really does. A spectrometer is a scientific instrument used to separate and measure spectral components of a physical phenomenon. Spectrometer is a broad term often used to describe instruments that measure a continuous variable of a phenomenon where the spectral components are somehow mixed. Anti-mass is just another term for Negative Mass, something that also only really exists in theoretical physics, or at least is only referred to in a theoretical sense.

In theoretical physics, negative mass is a type of exotic matter whose mass is of opposite sign to the mass of normal matter, e.g. −1 kg. Such matter would violate one or more energy conditions and show some strange properties, stemming from the ambiguity as to whether attraction should refer to force or the oppositely oriented acceleration for negative mass. It is used in certain speculative hypotheses, such as on the construction of traversable wormholes and the Alcubierre drive. Currently, the closest known real representative of such exotic matter is a region of negative pressure density produced by the Casimir effect.

So this spectrometer would analyze negative mass. This is already getting into science fiction but you can also call theoretical physics "science fiction" itself, just with more math.

To go on, we must assume that the anti-mass spectrometer should be mode-locking an ELW to induct a transuranic crystal,  but in reality it's not an ELW at all. Long wavelengths are invisible, most wavelengths are. an extremely long wavelength would probably? be longer than radio waves, and this is going into the electromagnetic spectrum

"Extremely Long Wavelength" isn't even a real term, so we'll have to turn it into one. "Extremely Low Frequency" is the closest real term in name

Extremely low frequency (ELF) is the ITU designation for electromagnetic radiation (radio waves) with frequencies from 3 to 30 Hz, and corresponding wavelengths of 100,000 to 10,000 kilometers, respectively. In atmospheric science, an alternative definition is usually given, from 3 Hz to 3 kHz. In the related magnetosphere science, the lower frequency electromagnetic oscillations (pulsations occurring below ~3 Hz) are considered to lie in the ULF range, which is thus also defined differently from the ITU radio bands.

ELF's also have multiple definitions depending on who you ask.

ELF is a subradio frequency. Some medical peer reviewed journal articles refer to ELF in the context of "extremely low frequency (ELF) magnetic fields (MF)" with frequencies of 50 Hz and 50–80 Hz. United States Government agencies, such as NASA, describe ELF as non-ionizing radiation with frequencies between 0 and 300 Hz. The World Health Organization (WHO) have used ELF to refer to the concept of "extremely low frequency (ELF) electric and magnetic fields (EMF)" The WHO also stated that at frequencies between 0 and 300 Hz, "the wavelengths in air are very long (6000 km at 50 Hz and 5000 km at 60 Hz), and, in practical situations, the electric and magnetic fields act independently of one another and are measured separately."

A real life example of the usage of these electromagnetic frequencies is the US government using ELFs to communicate with deeply submerged submarines. If this is the type of wavelength Gordon plans on using to induct a transuranic crystal, then he wouldn't need to have a spectrometer do it, nor any mode-locked source array. So it couldn't be ELFs, right? let's forget this tangent and move on IF it is an electromagnetic wave he's using to induct a transuranic crystal, then it would more likely be above the visible light spectrum. The thing is, the electricity in the scene with the anti-mass spectrometer lands within the visible light spectrum. It's green, and green has a wavelength of 500–565 nm (frequency of 530–600 THz). thats 500 nanometers, not a long wavelength at all.

I'm sure whatever writer at valve decided to write out this thesis title didn't research these terms as much as i have just now, either that or they purposefully made it sound obtuse enough to fit into science fiction without it needing to make sense. But the fun of science fiction is that it's based on real science IMO. so lets forget that it says ELW and go the other direction. Extremely Short Wavelength.

Inducting anything with ionizing radiation of a gamma ray would definitely get you results, under any spectrometer. now, i want to go back to the tangent of the transuranic crystal. It's completely possible that there is no such thing and it was made up for the game with the in-game lore that it's from Xen or whatever, but i want to look into the possibility of using elements that exist.

The game implies that they found the crystal but it doesn't outright say it, which covers their ass on the fact that transuranic elements are synthetically made. Neptunium and Plutonium are made through decay chains in Uranium and can also be found in atmospheric tests after a nuclear explosion. So Neptunium and Plutonium can technically be "found".

So let's go through all the transuranic elements and see if any of them can become crystals! Since they all are unstable i'm also gonna list their half-lives  for fun. For reference, STP means standard temperature and pressure

Neptunium (93) - solid at stp, appears silvery and metallic. the most stable isotopes are Np-237 with a half-life of 2.14 million years; Np-236 with a half-life of 154,000 years; and Np-235 with a half-life of 396 days. it's also pyrophoric so not a contender. Plutonium (94) - solid at stp, appears silvery white but oxidizes into grey. it can turn into a pyrophoric powder. Pu-239 has a half-life of 24,100 years and Pu-241's half-life is 14.4 years. Amercium (95) - solid at stp, also a silvery white look, oxidizes. it's used in smoke detectors! half life of 432.2 years Curium (96) - solid stp, its a hard, dense silvery metal that glows purple in the dark. oxidizes very easily, half life ~162 days Berkelium (97) - solid stp. described as a soft silvery-white metal with a half-life of 330 days, but the previous elements would decay into elements with a lower atomic number, where as Berkelium decays into Californium Californium (98) - This one crystalizes under normal pressure, slowly tarnishes under air. silvery appearance. can be used to start up nuclear reactors. Has 20 known isotopes and all their half-lives vary, but its about 2.6 years. Einstienium (99) Silvery and glows blue in the dark, has a paramagnetic field and it's most common isotope has a half-life of 20.47 days Fermium (100) -  the last of the elements that can be created by bombarding lighter elements with neutrons. Longest lived half-life is 100 days, not much is known about it. Mendelevium (101) - can only be produced in particle accelerators, half life between 51 days and 1.17 hours Nobelium (102) - also only avalible through particle accelerators, half life between 58 minutes and 3.1 minutes. the shorter half-lifed isotope is easier to create and therefore used more often for research Lawrencium (103) - from here on out theres less and less information for each transuranic element, including this one. half-life of 11 hours. Rutherfordium (104) - half life of 1.3 hours Dubnium (105) - half life of 28 hours Seaborgium (106) - half life of 14 minutes Bohrium (107) - half life unconfirmed but its between 61 seconds and 690 seconds

I'm gonna go ahead and stop right there since they tend to follow a pattern. The lower the half-life, the less research there is on the element, and it only gets shorter and shorter. So it seems like Californium is the only possible element that could've been used in the experiment because it forms a crystallized structure under normal pressure, as well has having usage in modern nuclear science to start up nuclear reactors, as well as having pretty stable/long-lasting isotopes. the most stable isotope has a half-life of 898 years but the most commonly used isotope is 2.6 years. now, it should be noted that the lower the half-life the more radioactive an element is. all of the transuranic elements decay radioactively and Californium is no exception. Californium's radioactivity has a tendency to disrupt the formation of red blood cells by bio-accumulating in skeletal tissue.

Here's some more information on it's physical properties:

Californium is a silvery white actinide metal with a melting point of 900 ± 30 °C (1,650 ± 50 °F) and an estimated boiling point of 1,745 K (1,470 °C; 2,680 °F). The pure metal is malleable and is easily cut with a razor blade. Californium metal starts to vaporize above 300 °C (570 °F) when exposed to a vacuum. Below 51 K (−222 °C; −368 °F) californium metal is either ferromagnetic or ferrimagnetic (it acts like a magnet), between 48 and 66 K it is antiferromagnetic (an intermediate state), and above 160 K (−113 °C; −172 °F) it is paramagnetic (external magnetic fields can make it magnetic).

The element has two crystalline forms under 1 standard atmosphere of pressure: a double-hexagonal close-packed form dubbed alpha (α) and a face-centered cubic form designated beta (β).

This is a Californium-252 crystal, the one I predict would’ve been used in the test. It has a 2.6 year half-life.

That’s all the research i’ve got for you. 

TL;DR I predict that they’re using Gamma rays through the anti-mass spectrometer to induct Californium into making teleportation real with quantum entanglement.

[drivingsideways]

Misaeng review

Ok, it's been almost a week, so I feel like I can get my thoughts (somewhat) in order. As usual, I'm late to the party, given that Misaeng aired 6 years ago, and is already considered a kdrama classic. Still: thoughts!

(under the cut)

I came to this drama with quite a lot of expectations, both because I'd seen it on a lot of rec lists, and also because I'd watched director Kim Won-seok's Signal and My Mister, which are justifiably as beloved as Misaeng. I'm happy to report that Misaeng mostly lived up to those expectations!

The writing & direction work together to make Misaeng a very immersive experience, which is good, considering the entire run time is over 20 hrs. The level of seemingly mundane detail of the operational aspects of running a trading firm that they delve into (and other dramas might have avoided for sake of pacing) seemed odd to me at first, but eventually result in a world building that's incredibly well fleshed out. The (formerly unlikely!) high stakes of a misplaced piece of paper or octopuses in a shipment of squid end up being parts of an emotionally wrenching narrative whole fairly seamlessly. Still, at 20+ hours, Misaeng also does get into the kind of pacing issues that most of the slice of life kdramas I've watched so far have. And it didn't need to! I think it had a wonderful ensemble of characters, and if they'd maybe given a little more time and space to characters other than Jang Geu-Rae (Im Si wan) and Oh Sang-sik (Lee Sung-min), the mid portions may not have felt quite so, well, stuck.

But more than the strong writing and direction, it was really the actors who delivered. They made what could have easily been a dull-ish office drama into a heart warming story about human connection and the joys and troubles of leading an "incomplete life". I'd never watched Lee Sung-min in anything before, and about half way through the series I was like, HOW IS HE MAKING A SHORT TEMPERED, ALCHOHOLIC MIDDLE MANAGER SO SEXY? Like, serious props, dude. Lee Sung-min is by turns annoying and brash and too shout-y and stubborn and funny and so incredibly vulnerable as a man trying his best to live by his principles in a world that thinks they are an impediment to "success", that you forget that he's playing a fictional character-- he's someone you know, he's someone you've seen in the mirror.

His performance as Oh Sang-sik is very ably matched by Im Si Wan's Jang Geu-Rae. This series would not have worked if these two actors didn't have the chemistry they do, and play off each other in every scene. I had watched Im Si Wan recently- in JTBC's "Run On", in which I liked his performance quite a lot, but I absolutely loved him as the naive and endearing Jang Geu-rae. Misaeng, is in part, a bildungsroman narrative centered around Jang Geu Rae. Im Si wan brought a kind of vulnerability to the role that might have felt cloying and emotionally manipulative in the hands of other actors, but Im Si-wan manages to do it with a light touch. I feel he's one of those actors that uses his whole body in a scene, not just relying on facial or verbal expression, and it's a joy to watch.

Each of the other actors in the ensemble also bring that dedication and talent to their roles, even if it's in a single scene. There are lots of one-off characters that we meet during the course of the series, and every single one of them leaves an impact.

But! I'm going to pick a fave from the supporting cast and that's Byun Yo-han, whom I'd last watched as the broody, troubled (and very sexy) swordsman Lee Bang-ji in Six Flying Dragons. I can't imagine a character more in opposition to that one than Han Seok-yul in Misaeng, but Byun Yo-han just knocks it out of the park as the scheming, cheerful and mostly inappropriate clown with a heart of gold; Han Seok-yul is the definition of Chaotic Good, and you're equal parts horrified by his antics- which include sexual harassment dont @ me -- and yet charmed by him. I wish they'd given him a few more scenes and a larger plotline to work with, but I also suspect that he might have just walked away with the entire series if they did that. (Am I plotting that series in my head as I write this? MAYBE.)

Alright, this is getting a bit too long, so I'm going to get to the bits that disappointed me. That's really one major thing: the gender politics. I don't know how different the show is from the web toon it's based on, so I can't tell whether they made significant changes to the basic plot and characters. As in- I have no idea if the webtoon was as male dominated in every way as the show is, so I'm not sure how much of the show's treatment of women as a class, and its female characters in particular, I should lay at the door of the original writer vs the screenwriter and director. I'm also lacking the Korean context in which this was written and made and aired, so you may take my criticism with a pinch of salt, if you please!

That the show features mainly male characters is perhaps unsurprising and realistic, since we know that the kind of corporate life it depicts is very male dominated, top to bottom. The show also portrays the very real and horrific overt and subtle misogyny that women face in the workplace and out of it; mainly in the character of Ahn Young-yi, played with steely determination and quiet suffering by the lovely Kang so-ra. There are only 3 other female characters that have any sort of real speaking role- Sun Ji Young (played by Shin Eun jung), a senior manager at the company, Jang Geu-rae's unnamed(!) mother (played by the amazing Sung Byoung-Sook) and Oh Sang-sik's unnamed (!) wife (played by Oh Yoon-Hong, who's a delight in every tiny scene she has). There are other women who appear but in very minor roles, and often in "comedy" moments that often rely on sexist tropes to start with.

Anyway, right there you can see one of the problems- 4 women characters that have any kind of real screen time, and only 2 of them are named. Aigoo! Screenwriter Jung Yoon-jung is a woman, and like, I don't like putting the burden on any one woman to y'know fix structural misogyny, but I can't also help feeling disappointed that she overlooked even this "small" thing among the larger things.

But that apart, the main issue for me was that while the show doesn't shy away from depicting egregious sexism in the form of sexual harrassment, verbal and physical and certainly emotional abuse, in a manner that's clear that we are meant to be horrified by it--it falls short of depicting how women deal and work with it. It just doesn't give enough space to women or their worldview.

It's very comfortable depicting victimhood, but doesn't put work into depicting the ways in which women survive by finding solidarity with other women. We have a scene or two where Ahn Young-yi who is this show's poster child for female victimhood interacts with the older women who offer sympathy and understanding, but no real strategy or support. And yes, we see men also being targeted by their seniors for the grossest verbal and physical abuse; and it's men who help Ahn Young-yi strategise on how to deal with her situation. Real life experience tells me that it's the women who do this work for other women. I have certainly been on both sides of this equation, for one, and so has every woman that I know in corporate life. And yes, one of the show's core philosophies is that those who endure, survive--but it is none the less extremely painful to watch Ahn Young yi "endure" the kind of abuse she does as a coping strategy and a survival strategy.

At the end of it, when she slowly manages to gain the support of her sexist team, it's shown as a victory-- though naturally imperfect, because this show takes its Realism very seriously (right until the end where it makes a tonal shift into quirky that I was a little ?? about)-- and y'know, sure, it is a victory. And I absolutely understand the choices she makes and why she does it-- I guess I just got annoyed by the fact that other antagonistic figures in the narrative get a more straightforward comeuppance for their egregious behavior, but Ahn Young-yi doesn't even get a goddamned apology from her abusers. Instead, we have a half humourous, half serious moment where she comments on how she's working at turning herself into "someone cute"- because she understands now that sometimes the right strategy is to "go with the flow". Be the water that slowly wears away at the rock. It's an interesting moment- the men she tells this to are taken aback by her bluntness, but also a little clueless about what she means. It's the kind of nuance that I would and do enjoy. Unfortunately, it also closely follows one of the show's most annoying scenes at the tail end of the series- where it tries to play off workplace sexism and misogyny as comedy- boys being boys-Reader, when I tell you that I had to WORK to unclench my jaw--!

I'm not saying we should have a single and obvious narrative of female emancipation. I'm not against realism in fiction, but god, sometimes, please do remember that when we look for escapism, we are actually imagining a better world. The first step toward liberation is allowing yourself to imagine it.

And the show does allow other characters its moments of unfettered fantasy- Im Si Wan parkour-ing all over the rooftops of Amman- and having a semi mystical + Indiana Jones moment in the deserts of Jordan--so why, I ask, are the women not given that gift?

*looks into the camera *

Tl;dr: I enjoyed it, it made me cry every episode, and I cared about all the characters, and if you haven't watched it yet, treat yourselves.

PS. Yes, Han Seok-yul is a disaster bi, sorry, I don't make the rules. Yes, hotties Oh Min Seok and Kang Ha-neul are canonically naked in a hot tub six feet apart because they are bros. Yes, I will be writing the fix it in which they fuck like angry bunnies. Yes, I am going to put my shipper cooties all over this gen slice of life show, deal with it.

[b0ttl3d-up-st4rs]

Well I'm gonna do what I do best and self reflect to an insane amount. This is probably gonna be a long post so buckle up.

To be honest my behavior for nearly the past year now is concerning to say the least. There's this little voice in my head that just desperately wants to get more and more hurt, more and more traumatized. Why is that? At first glance the negative approach could be to say its some sort of masochistic behavior and any negative repercussions as a result of this behavior is deserved, but I don't really think thats the case.

Self sabotage is a characteristic that can be exhibited in many mentally ill people and I am no exception. I think this behavior, of seeking to be hurt by grown men on the internet is partially self sabotage.

And I remember when I first started this shit show, I just wanted attention. Sounds mean to say, but craving attention is something the human soul desperately wants. And I was starting to feel some sense of self beauty but I didn't feel as though anyone around me was appreciating it so I tried to get attention from grown men because being showered in compliments and attention felt so good when my whole life I've never gotten any of that.

I think there's more too it, though. Looking back my whole life it's almost as if I've wanted to get hurt. In books I liked to sit around with the pain the characters felt. And its almost like I wanted to get traumatized. I've heard that people with trauma that they don't acknowledge is trauma or think its bad enough to be traumatizing seek put worse forms of trauma, in order to feel that pain is valid. And I think that's part of my issue too.

I do have unaddressed and repressed childhood trauma. I was given unrestricted internet at a young age and was exposed to the horrors of the internet. Nothing like straight up porn, but a lot of suggestive content. And in general being exposed to that caused me a lot of catholic guilt as I was raised catholic. I remember feeling like knowing these things were my fault. Many days I felt so guilty that I would pray to god to let me not wake up in the morning.

As a child I also questioned my religion a lot, which i think was traumatic in itself. Religion is a big thing. And as a kid I had a big issue knowing reality from fiction. Heck I still do. I remember as a kid my friend telling me that we were all demigods and one day we were going to run away to camp half blood. That the percy jackson books were real. It sounds stupid now, but I processed that as real and it was so stressful for me.

And I remember being 12 coming out as trans and as a part of the lgbtq community to my parents. They didnt react well. They said I was confused. My mom said I was both too young and too old to know. I fought a lot with my mom. And in general have a lot of unhappy memories from then. I was outed multiple times in my life.

My relationship with my parents still isnt good. My mom has a tendency to be toxic. I hate that I have to stay in the closet around my family its so painful. Like a month ago I mentioned the lgbtq community for the first time in years, asking my mom her opinions on it and if it changed since 2017, and it turned into her yelling at me and making herself a victim. It really hurt. I forgot how much it hurt.

I don't really have much of a relationship with my dad. We barely talk. Hes very emotionally distant. When I'm at my dad's house I sort of fend for myself. Its the exact opposite at my moms house. She's overbearing and never leaves you alone. It's like going between to extremes.

And honestly I can't wait to move out. My mom and I have arguments a lot. But hey at least I have some relationship with her, I don't really have a relationship with my dad.

I remember one time this year, I was during the end of a school semester. I needed to catch up on work because after talking to my abuser for like 5 months and then unlocking him I was left in shambles and fell into a really bad depression to where my motivation for school just disapeared. Im still dealing with that tbh. Anyways I had to go to a online meeting to choose my classes and I didn't get to choose the classes I thought I would be able to, and that made me really upset. But after the meeting I had to go to do am act of kindness (I chose picking up litter at a graveyard cause i like graveyards) for my school project but I was still distraught. If I was given some time to myself I probably wouldve been able to go without issue, but my mom wanted to go immediately. We argued. And when I got there I refused to leave the car because I felt so much like shit. We argued more. It was the worst argument I ever had. She even swore at me. Which she's never done before. And she ended up playing victim again. She does that a lot I guess. And doesn't really listen to my feelings. Whenever I try to communicate about my feelings with her it turns into an argument and she makes it about herself. So yeah our relationship isn't the greatest. And I think having mommy and daddy issues is a trauma in itself. Ppl deserve to have happy healthy supportive families.

Oh right and another trauma I completely forgot (funny how that happens) is when I was 14 and admitted to a mental hospital because I tried to off myself. It was so surreal and they forced me to learn how to make eye contact with people cause apparently thats "how they know im doing ok". Which is kinda fucked considering the fact I recently realized I might be autistic. And eye contact is literally so painful for me. It especially was back then. Anyways the place itself wasnt too bad but the feeling of being trapped overall sucks and being disconnected from the rest of the world isnt fun either. Also I dissociate all the time but I especially dissociated hard thru the whole experience. And sort of made myself into the perfect patient, repeating all their bs and literally lying to myself to convince myself that I was ok so they would let me go. So that was kind of weird.

Anyways I know I have it better than others. And honestly sometimes it's hard to tell what exactly was traumatic in my childhood. I probably forgot and repressed other parts of it too and am forgetting things. But needless to say these unaddressed traumas didn't help my mental state. And i do think that's a big part of the voice in my head begging me to just get hurt more.

Overall my mental state is fucked, It's been really hard for me not to be taken advantage of by another internet pedo. Heck the only reason that isn't happening rn is because no ones dmed me yet. Also I unblocked my old abuser and we are talking again now so thats fun. It definitely doesnt help the cognitive dissonance in my brain of him being actually a nice and supportive dude. I think thats also a part of me wanting to get more traumatized. Since my abuser is a nice person that should counteract all the fucked up sexual things he said to me in the past right? I mean others have it worse, had worse abusers that were actively cruel. That's part of the bitch in my subconscious brain talking. It sucks tbh.

Anyways yeah I probably need therapy but I don't feel comfortable talking about this to my current counselor and honestly its really hard to say out loud. I can talk forever about it by writing it down but the moment I speak words from my dumbass mouth I break down in tears and can't do it. Plus idk, I'm scared if I say anything she'll have to tell my parents and that my phone might be taken away or I'll have less privacy and for a closeted queer where my only current life line is the internet and my online friends: that is a terrifying idea. Idk. I'm fucked basically.

[ayo-cowbelly]

The Things We Do For Love ~ Part Four

Previous part ~ next part ~ masterlist 

IM BACK! haha sorry this took so long, life got in the way 

But anyways: here is part four! Only one more part left to go, I hope everyone reading enjoyed this! I LOVE getting comments with thoughts, they honestly make my day :) 

Thank you Wookieepedia, for supplying me with obscure planets to use in my writing.

P.S. i know ‘vode’ isn’t technically an official word in Mando’a. but it’s in a warrior chant and there’s no plural for ‘vod’ (at least on mando’a.org) so guess what i’m using vode as plural.

Taglist (if you want to be added, let me know):

@likeshootingstarsinthenightsky @cacodaemonia @halfblood-demigods @ct7567329

***

Finally, after about two weeks since Order 66, they all rendezvoused over Aeos Prime. Their ‘group’ had grown in size- the 212th had been contacted by the 327th, the 104th, along with the 501st. The Senators’ ship and the Negotiator were the first to arrive, however. 

The first thing Padmé did when she saw Obi-Wan again was pull him close and hug him, tight. It was rushed, clumsy, and hard to do considering how pregnant she was, but they both needed it. 

“How are you holding up, Padmé?” Her friend asked as they walked to the bridge of the Negotiator.

“As well as I can be, in the grand scheme of things. My old mentor is a Sith and now Emperor, the Republic has fallen, everyone thinks I’ve been kidnapped and maybe murdered, the Jedi have been- well, you know…” 

Obi-Wan placed a gentle hand on her arm. “I meant, how are you holding up concerning Anakin.” 

Oh. Apparently, Vader was a hero to the Empire, having recognized the threat the Jedi posed and “taking care of it”. They weren’t officially releasing his true identity, though some already knew, according to what she’d heard from her contacts. Anakin had been featured prominently on the holonet during the years he was at war, he was bound to be recognized. 

Though he seemed almost like a different person now, even by just looking at the holonet. No, even before this, something changed. Something had been off the last few weeks, she’d noticed that much. Ever since he started having those horrible visions of her dying. 

Padmé glanced over at Obi-Wan, who’d know if she lied, so she didn’t bother trying. “It’s been hard. But I’ll manage.” 

“Padmé, I know you two were… involved, for lack of a better word.” 

The Senator faced him, excuses coming to mind -a reflex, after three years of marriage- but she couldn’t keep the tell-tale redness off her cheeks. 

“You knew?” 

“Of course I knew,” Obi-Wan replied simply, as if it wasn’t a big deal at all. And the way he said it, so nonchalantly, relaxed Padmé ever so slightly. “Anakin is anything but subtle. He always did look at you like you hung the stars- it was hard not to notice it, honestly.” 

Well. That was that, apparently. Padmé watched as Obi-Wan looked out the windows, and she studied his face; the slight downturn of his lips, the shadows of worry lines etched into his brow, the dark circles under his eyes. 

He looked tired. 

Maybe he always had, and Padmé had never noticed. Anakin would’ve noticed, she was certain. He always admonished her for working too much- surely he did the same for one of his oldest friends? 

Or maybe he didn’t, Padmé wondered, as she stepped up beside her friend and faced the expanse outside. She thought of Anakin’s irritation in regards to Obi-Wan, getting more and more frequent in the last few weeks- months, even. 

“Obi-Wan, what are we going to do?” Padmé asked quietly, keeping her eyes forward. 

Obi-Wan, who was always so calm, never a hair out of place -Obi-Wan, a Jedi Master, High General, never without a plan or a comeback- reached one hand up to rub his chin as he sighed. 

“To be perfectly honest, my friend, I’m not sure I know.” 

*** 

Four Senators, four Commanders, two Jedi, and one former Jedi,. 

They were a motley crew, but they’d take what they could get, Cody figured. 

After all, they were going up against something entirely different from what they were used to. The eleven of them had been tossing around ideas for hours, crowded in the briefing room as they were. Nobody had come up with a solid plan yet. 

Commander Tano (no, not Commander, she insisted on it- but what else was he to call her?) was the next to pipe up. “What if we just… lay siege?” She suggested, sounding exhausted. As she leaned on the console, Cody noticed Rex placing a hand on her shoulder. All that time away, and she’s still his vod’ika, Cody remarked to himself. In a way, it was a comforting thought; it was nice to know know that at least one thing hadn’t changed. 

“We can’t lay siege to Coruscant,” Obi-Wan said, equally as worn out, and Cody wanted to take his jetii into his arms and shield him from the galaxy, the galaxy that asked so much of him. Cody pushed the wanting away, shoved it down until it was nothing more than a silent hum in his bones. He concentrated on his General’s words. “There are too many things that could go wrong. For one, we are terribly outnumbered here. Two, they’d see us coming immediately, and the civilians-” 

Commander Tano cut him off. “I know we can’t do it, I just- well, we can’t sit here and do nothing. Something needs to be done about Palpatine.” “I know that, Ahsoka, believe me.” 

The two of them had been slightly at odds with each other for most of the two days Tano and the 501st had been on board. Cody didn’t ask, and neither of them brought it up. But it was there.

Senator Organa, ever the voice of reason, chimed in. “Before we do anything concerning Palpatine, we should handle Lord Vader,” the atmosphere of the room darkened considerably at the name. Senator Amidala’s face fell, Commander Tano wrapped her arms around herself, Rex glared at the floor, and Obi-Wan looked ashen. Nobody needed to mention who Vader had once been, for they already knew. And the answer was nothing short of horrifying. 

Senator Organa went on. “My contacts say Vader barely leaves the Emperor’s side. That will prove to be a problem for us. Sky- Vader is very powerful, and a great threat.” 

“You think we should try to get him away from the Emperor, then?” Senator Mothma asked. “Only something of considerable importance would do that. And we can’t be sure the Emperor wouldn’t come along, to keep an eye on things.” 

“It’d be illogical for him to go, Senator.” Bly said, speaking for only the third time. Cody was extremely worried about his batchmate. The first time they’d seen each other after the Order went out, Bly looked pale and haunted. Cody recognized the look, one he’d seen on many other soldiers- survivor’s guilt. But this was so much worse. Cody knew, to a certain degree, about Bly and General Secura; he also knew what must have happened on Felucia, but he didn’t say anything. Him, along with Rex and Wolffe, just took Bly to Cody’s quarters and got out the alcohol. 

Bly’s voice was quiet but strong. “The Emperor wouldn’t accompany him- he needs to stay on Coruscant, keep the Senate in line. Plus, if Vader was going somewhere dangerous, Palpatine wouldn’t want to endanger himself.” 

“Agree with the Commander, I do,” General Yoda said. “Unnecessary danger, he would not put himself in.” 

“What if Vader brings along any troopers?” Cody bristled at Senator Chuchi’s words. Empire or no, Cody would not hurt brothers, and he knew the other Commanders would agree. And he was sure that if any of the vode were fighting for the Empire, they weren’t doing it willingly.

“With all due respect, Senator, I won’t order the men to fight brothers.” Cody met her eyes, which softened. 

“And I’m not asking you to, Commander. But if we are to do something about Vader, we need to get him by himself.” 

“I’ll message him to meet me.” Senator Amidala looked around at them all. “He’ll come alone if I tell him to.” 

“Absolutely not-”

“Padmé, you can’t-” 

“Senator, please don’t-”

She quieted the objections with a raised hand. “It’s the only way,” she declared. Many of the others opened their mouth to disagree, but she plowed on. “He’ll listen to me. And I can get through to him, I know it.” The last part was said with the smallest twinge of uncertainty, but Senator Amidala remained stoic. “And I’m not changing my mind.” 

“Then I’m coming with you.” Cody whipped his head to where Obi-Wan was next to him. “You’ll need protection.” 

“He won’t hurt me-” “Then consider me paranoid. I won’t interfere, but I won’t let you go alone,” Obi-Wan assured her. 

“And neither will I.” Commander Tano looked up at her old Grandmaster’s widened eyes. “If it is... if it’s him, I need to make sure.” A flicker of pain in her eyes, though she remained steady.

Obi-Wan didn’t disagree with the now-forming plan. But Cody did. 

“Sirs,” Cody started, ignoring Tano’s obvious objection to the phrase, “I have to ask you to reconsider. This could potentially go very, very wrong, and we need you here-” 

“Nothing will happen to us, Cody, I assure you,” Obi-Wan said to him. 

“Every time you say that, General, something happens that proves otherwise.” 

Obi-Wan crossed his arms. “Not every time-” 

“Almost every time, General, and this time if something were to go wrong- there is a chance you won’t come back.” Cody’s helmet was off, like the other three clones, so Obi-Wan could definitely read the myriad of emotions in the Commander’s eyes. His General reached out and placed a hand on Cody’s shoulder, and for a moment, Cody forgot the others were there. 

Obi-Wan, softer now, held Cody’s gaze. “Cody,” he said softly. “I’ll be fine, I promise.” Obi-Wan seemed to read Cody’s mind. “But you can’t come with. I need you here, to watch over things while I’m gone.” The last time you told me that, you faked your death, Cody wanted to say. Instead, he nodded and turned away. They hadn’t spoken about that night a week ago, in Obi-Wan’s quarters. They both acted like it never happened- the opposite of what Cody wanted, but he knew it was what had to be done. But when Obi-Wan spoke like that, soft and gentle and caring, Cody couldn’t help but want something more-

Rex spoke up, interrupting Cody’s internal plight. “General, I have an idea.” 

*** 

Padmé landed the shuttle on Abafar’s desert terrain, nerves getting the best of her. She didn’t know who would meet her there- Anakin, or Vader. She preferred to think of them as two different people. Ani would never do what they said Vader did. 

Padmé tried to repress the memory that sprang to mind- one of Tatooine, and a body wrapped in gray, and Anakin with tears in his eyes, yelling about what he’d done to the Tusken Raiders for what they did to his mother.

Or more recently, when he had walked in Clovis almost kissing her. She remembered what he’d done, what he came close to doing.

He’d gone too far that night. “It’s just, something inside me snapped,” He had said.

She knew that happened often, more often than he told her. “I don’t know who’s in there sometimes,” She whispered back.  

That was truer than she’d like to admit. A small, small part of Padmé wondered-

No. He couldn’t. 

Right? 

She stood up and looked to both Obi-Wan and Ahoska, both as much her family as anyone, and made to exit the ship. 

Ahsoka grabbed her elbow, stopping her. “Padmé, please, be safe.” Padmé smiled kindly, and hugged the Togruta close. 

“I’ll be okay, Ahoska, I promise.”

Obi-Wan didn’t say anything, just met her eyes and nodded, gesturing half-heartedly to the ship’s door. Padmé steeled herself and went outside.  The air was very hot, and she silently thanked herself for the decision to wear light clothing. 

She only had to wait a few minutes before another shuttle, one that looked to be Imperial, landed not too far away. A lone figure approached, and she knew without a doubt who it was. 

But when they got closer, she wasn’t so sure. She could see their face, and she did not recognize it. They looked cold and detached, almost fearsome, and the uncertainty she tried to get rid of flared inside her. She would never be nervous around her husband. This person, whoever he was, was a stranger to her.

Padmé could now see his eyes, which were not the usual bright blue. They were golden. This was not her husband. It couldn’t be.

But she had to try. 

“Ani?”

[bi-dazai]

2000 words on soukoku romance-coding in episode 26

i’ve talked a lot on here about how there’s a lot of romance-coding in the canon content featuring dazai and chuuya. here’s a rundown of my base theories here

i didnt add this in my original above post, but ill say now that diegetically chuuya and dazai are usually quite levelheaded and manipulative - both are the two youngest port mafia executives in history. even when dazai is annoyed with other characters (such as kunikida or atsushi) it is clear that he is play-acting. chuuya, meanwhile, is extremely level-headed and doesnt get upset at all - even when yosano and kenji appeared heavily armed. dazai is only slightly upset by shibusawa and dostoyevsky. the only person to genuinely get a rise out of both chuuya and dazai are each other. even so, their arguing has, from the beginning, been petty on the surface, yet upon reading into dialogue and animated/written/illustrated facial expressions show deep hurt at each others actions, particularly on their 4 year separation and dazai covering up his loyalty to chuuya by betraying his trust in episode 21.

i have two more points to add on concerning their non-diegetic relationship. firstly, that official merchandise and posters almost always depict chuuya and dazai either ogling each other (theres a trend of dazai ogling chuuya’s ass in particular) or doing something romantic together (for example there’s a poster where they are depicted hanging around together with no other characters near a christmas tree - christmas is considered a romantic holiday in japan. the same coding is given to many canon fictional couples in japan, and to another studio bones production pairing in bnha kiribaku, which has a similar level of gaycoding).

the second non-diegetic point you should understand about soukoku: it’s one of the most popular ships in japan, and japan’s anime industry tends to be a lot more open about showing same-sex relationships/gay-coding than the west is.

--- 

and for a note on my authorship - i admit that i do ship soukoku, and that this gives me a bias. i am also bisexual and am much more sensitive to noticing homoeroticism than many straight audiences. however, to counter this point id like to clarify that it takes a lot to make me believe a same-sex ship has even the slightest chance of being canon. also, id like to say that i am an author in my second year of a creative writing degree and my first year of a film studies minor. these degrees both involve analysing text within production and authorial context (a lot...). in my free time i read a lot of papers and articles on the production context and general views of lgbt representation in different countries’ media, in particular the usa, australia, and japan. i consume every piece of media i view with an intensely critical eye and i specialise in connected diegetic elements with non-diegetic elements in terms of production, authorial, and social context

---

*NOTE* im going to be doing things out of order here for no other reason than that i realised them in that order as i thought about the episode analytically

today i want to talk about something extremely specific that came up in episode 26, and it has to do with the use of symbolism and shot composition. it’s just a short, short sequence but to me it speaks volumes, both for their canon relationship and their coded romantic relationship.

specifically this sequence. this is just one shot and to me it portrays soukoku’s dynamic as explicitly romantic in a mise-en-scene sense.

before we like to go in, id like to clarify that the dialogue doesnt matter - it’s mainly expository stuff.

the first sc is the first shot we see of dazai and chuuya ‘alone’ in this scene. it’s unclear where mori is exactly. even though mori is clearly orchestrating the two of them and this entire scene’s dialogue, he isn’t in this shot until the very end. this defines the soukoku relationship, as well as their first meeting being entirely incidental, as being something that was supposedly orchestrated by mori but on a deeper level something they created and grow themselves. it is their relationship from the beginning, not mori’s. even though we know that mori is orchestrating this, we are told that this story will be about chuuya and dazai, not mori’s plans. along with that, it’s also the first shot of open sky we get in this scene, and it’s with just chuuya and dazai looking at each other, silent. it’s open and refreshing and new, but there’s something there already - which i will discuss now.

so. let’s talk about the vapour trail. the vapour trail has no real relationship to the scene or story at all. it would be perfectly logical to just place clouds here, or even place the vapour trail somewhere else. but this vapour trail is very specifically placed to form an arrow to comes from dazai’s heart and reaches towards chuuya, passing over mori’s head narrowly. mori watches the trail, dazai and chuuya watch each other. mori knows the middle part - that they will be tied together to be a device of violence of his own making. but at the other ends dazai and chuuya are tied together in a way that goes above and below mori’s knowledge. this symbolises their future together, and indicates a subtextual level to their dynamic.

the choice i want to focus on here, however, is the choice to have this arrow reach from dazai’s heart. as a writer, if i was trying to symbolise the general strategic soukoku dynamic i would have this arrow go from dazai’s head (the brains) to chuuya (the recipient and conductor of dazai’s plans). in fact, i have a dynamic im writing right now that is similar to this, in which one is defense and one is agility. however, these two also end up in a same-sex romantic relationship together later on. in order to code and foreshadow this, as well as add romantic subtext, often when using symbology i adjust my symbols to fit a romantic context subtly. as an author myself, this shot is a clear hint of adjusted symbolism in order to code dazai’s feelings for chuuya.

and if i’m to read further, i would even say that the fact that the arrow flies over chuuya’s head suggests that dazai currently has romantic feelings for chuuya that chuuya does not yet return (but comes to, something that i have discussed in my linked post above).

---

secondly, tumblr user @cream-and-punishment made a fun joke post about dazai and chuuya “exchanging wedding vows” at their first meeting. firstly, it’s funny as fuck and when i first saw the post my reaction was just “haha it does sound like that!”. however, i keep looking at that post, keep returning to the script and that scene, and my reaction is now “wow. it does sound like that. like. exactly what soukoku wedding vows sound like. huh.”

for the lazy here’s the script (translated by the funimation subtitle team):

Dazai: You’re a cocky, overconfident child. You’re the kind of person I hate the most.

Chuuya: And I hate condescending pricks like you more than anything in this world.

and because im thorough, i ignored my english subs and listened the original japanese script as well (with my limited japanese to basically check for anything that could be translated differently or means something in japanese that is culturally untranslatable). what i found was that the english subs are right, and capture the original lines quite well.

dialogue can function as a tool for multiple results. in this two-line exchange, neither of the lines are meant as views into the character’s true interiors. instead, the purpose of this interchange is meant to be foreshadowing, specifically into the fact that this is how chuuya and dazai spend the rest of their relationship (up until the current point in the canon manga plot) expressing their opinion towards each other. it mirrors the kind of dialogue we see in episode 10 in which dazai and chuuya’s dialogue works as exposition for their past and their base dynamic, and here it is used to foreshadow what is considered backstory in the main plot (if that makes any sense?).

however, chuuya’s response to dazai is where im interested. im gonna pull my writer’s card here and say that if i was, again, just foreshadowing hatred and frustration as well as cooperation, i would cut chuuya’s line to something like this:

Chuuya: And I hate condescending pricks like you the most/just as much/etc.

“more than anything in this world”, of course, could just be incidental. but considering how a lot of soukoku’s dialogue is clearly double-entendre (read my original post linked above), it makes me consider a second option: that we are already putting that romantic double-entendre into their dynamic. if we refer to the future soukoku dynamic, in particular in episode 21, we are shown multiple times that chuuya genuinely cares for dazai’s well-being (secondary to rimbaud’s hat of course hahaha). chuuya would be genuinely upset if dazai died, and its implied (though still up to interpretation as opposed to the explicitness of chuuya’s shown feelings, however i would argue that dead apple is fairly explicit in dazai’s trust and feelings) the vice versa is also true.

going off that, often how both of them express concern for each other is by making ‘hateful’ comments towards each other. in episode 9, it’s clear there is uncomfortable tension in the room. there is 4 years of unspoken confusion lingering and chuuya is clearly, clearly upset. so dazai, in referencing an unchanging nature of what makes them them, calls back to one of his first mocking entries - how short chuuya is. it’s funny and it’s mocking, but the blows they trade are familiar and even when theyre brawling, despite being on opposite sides they take genuine pleasure in each others company. considering both of their personalities and histories as well as their trauma, both of them tend to struggle with interpersonal relationships and opening up. but chuuya and dazai canonically feel comfortable with each other, and know how to read each other well enough to both bounce off each other while also understanding what lies beneath.

so when chuuya says something like “i hate you more than anything in this world” we are pulled back to the present (in the plot), where chuuya says these things but moments later is concerned or worried for dazai’s wellbeing. chuuya in this line prioritises dazai as the foremost person in his life within minutes of meeting each other. diegetically (to the characters) we know this is them exchanging tense negotiation. non-diegetically (to what we know of the script and their future, as well as this entire exchange being mostly foreshadowing), we are clearly meant to interpret this to mean that chuuya will, eventually, hold dazai to be incredibly important to him, and vice versa. 

of course, we also have the fact that the phrase “more than anything in this world” is yet another soukoku romantic double-entendre. as i mentioned with things such as “the silent treatment” and mentioning drinking heavily when someone abruptly leaves you, it’s clear that these are used almost entirely as romantic tropes. i’ve discussed this before so i wont get too much into it, but just say that this scene adds yet another line to that long list of soukoku double-entendres.

---

considering at least the first 3 episodes will be related to exploring the soukoku backstory, ill be trying to post an analytic of soukoku for each episode of the 15 adaptation. furthermore, these posts won’t be explicitly about the potential of canon romantic chuuya/dazai, but will analyse soukoku scenes in a focus that i see fit for each episode. whether this is examining it like this post again, or examining it for foreshadowing or cinematographic details etc, will be decided once i watch each episode.

anyway lol! yet another rambling analytical of something nobody cares about haha

[hannahindie]

Maple Leaves and Flannel

Characters: Sam Winchester x Reader, Dean Winchester (mentioned) Word Count: 2,608 Warnings: Cutesy fluff and extreme descriptions of fall. (I don’t think that’s really a warning, but I’m a wordy girl so...maybe?) A/N: I wrote this for @impalaimagining’s Favorite Seasons Gif Challenge! Fall is my favorite time of year, so I was excited to get to write a fic that primarily focused on that.

Beta’d by my wonderful @trexrambling, because without her, a lot of my thoughts would be jumbled: “THIS. HANNAH, THIS!!!!!! YESSSSSSS I LOVE THIS LINE IT IS MY NEW FAVORITE LINE. Gaaaaaaaaaah this is wonderful.”

And my sweet @pinknerdpanda, who encourages me even when I hate nearly everything I wrote and feel like starting over: “ I love this whole sentence sooooo much!”

As usual, tags are at the bottom. Please let me know if you’d like to be added!!

Fall has always been my favorite time of year. Summer had its moments, but when the stifling heat finally started melting into cool breezes, when I could enjoy the sun’s warmth on my face without immediate fear of being burnt to a crisp, I was in my happy place. If anyone were to ask me why fall was my favorite, besides the cooler temperatures and the lack of sun poisoning, it would be hard to pinpoint an exact thing.

It could be the brilliant colors the leaves inevitably changed to, a magnificent splash of reds and oranges and yellows all mixing together to make it look like the landscape was on fire. The slow appearance of Halloween decorations that would go up bit by bit; a zombie here, purple and green lights there, fake spiderweb stretching across every available surface. The extraordinary amount of pumpkins that would just appear with no warning on porch steps, balanced precariously on hay bales that also would magically appear, a majority of which had simple faces that had been painstakingly carved into them by excited children who cared less about the carving and more about cleaning out the slimy guts inside.

So, had you asked me what my favorite thing about fall was, I would have told you it was too hard to choose and wandered off with my pumpkin spice latte to find some crunchy leaves to jump in.

Well, that’s what I would have said. But then I saw him.

Right in the middle of town is a large maple tree. Large is really an understatement. This maple tree is one of the oldest I’ve ever seen, and it’s huge. It’s right on the edge of the sidewalk, and the roots have pushed up the concrete slabs like they’re made out of foam. Every year, I expect one of the massive branches to break off and land on top of the old, Victorian-style house that sits empty next to it, but every year it proves me wrong. It also sits directly on the path I take from my apartment to the library, and every time I walk past, regardless of what I might be doing at the time, I glance up at the huge spanning limbs and falling leaves. Most days, there’s nothing remarkable about it. It’s beautiful, yes, and it’s one of my favorite things about my town...but generally speaking, it’s the same scene every single day.

Except one day when there was an addition to the normal scenery.

I had just crossed the street and was making my way down the sidewalk when I glanced up out of habit and stopped dead in my tracks. Standing just under the maple was a tall man, his head bent as he looked down at his phone. His shaggy, chestnut hair hung down and obscured most of his face, and I held my breath as I waited for him to look up. He was wearing a burnt orange coat and a lighter orange flannel; he was like the perfect autumn day in a ruggedly handsome, broad shouldered package. He must have realized someone was staring at him because he looked up and locked eyes with me, a small smile playing on his lips.

“Hi,” he said softly, his voice deep and smooth.

I finally released the breath I’d been holding, my eyes wide. “H-hello.”

He took a couple of steps towards me and pocketed his phone as he did, “Sorry to bother you, but do you live around here?” I nodded but remained quiet. “Do you know much about this house?”

“Oh, yea, it’s one of my favorite places in town. Are you...are you interested in buying it?”

He shoved his hands in his pockets and nodded, “Yea, actually. Me and my brother grew up in a house like this, and I just happened to be driving through when I saw it.”

“So do you live close by?” Surely I would have remembered seeing him around.

He shook his head, “No, I'm here on business. I've been kind of looking for a place to start over, and since I was already here, I thought I'd look around.” He held his hand out, “My name is Sam, by the way. Sam Winchester.” I took his hand, and I was unsurprised when his totally engulfed mine.

“Y/F/N Y/L/N. It’s nice to meet you.”

“Same.” He smiled again, and just as he opened his mouth to say something else, a muffled ring interrupted him. He quickly reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. After a quick glance, he looked at me apologetically, “I'm sorry, that's my brother. I gotta go meet him...family business stuff to work on. Maybe I'll see you around?”

I smiled at him, “Yea, that would be nice. See you later.”

He gave a small wave and started walking down the sidewalk in the opposite direction that I was going. Luckily, that wasn't the last time I saw Sam Winchester.

The second time I saw Sam Winchester I was at the library, coffee in hand as I flipped through pages upon pages of town history. I had just started at the local newspaper, and my first assignment was to put together a large series leading up to the town’s centennial celebration. Most people would have wondered what they had done to deserve such a fate, but I loved stuff like that. There was something about getting lost in old newspapers and books, scattered photographs that lay forgotten in people's attics, only remembered when you ask them if they have anything that would help you. I could sit all day at the library, curled up in one of the overstuffed chairs with a giant book. Most of my days consisted of that, actually.

I had been reading about The Great Flood of 1928 when I heard someone clear their throat. I looked up to see Sam looking at me, one corner of his mouth turned up in a smile. “Hey, Y/N.”

“Hi, Sam,” I said as I shifted into a more upright position. “How are you?”

He shrugged, “Pretty good. I think we’ll be here for a few more days.” He nodded towards my stack of books, “What are you researching?”

I glanced down at the book in my hand, “Currently, a catastrophic flood that destroyed most of the town in 1928. In general, just getting some information for a series I'm writing for the paper. The centennial is coming up. Although I have to say, there's less interesting and happy things than there are devastating natural disasters, murder, and general bad luck.” I closed my book and sat it on the table. “Why are you here?”

“Well, I needed to do some research of my own. The librarian told me you might have a book I need. It's actually a collection of property deeds and stuff.”

I raised an eyebrow, “That sounds…”

“Boring,” Sam laughed. “It is. Which is why I'm here and not my brother.” He sat the books he'd already claimed down, “Mind if I join you?”

I shook my head as I handed him the book he was looking for, “Not at all. I can't promise that I'll be exciting company, though,”

He laughed, “At least we can be boring together.”

And so we sat, the next three hours consumed with what was supposed to be serious research but had quickly turned into us laughing about some of the more ridiculous things that had happened in town.

Sam sat back with a laugh, and I couldn't help but stare at the deep dimples that formed when he allowed himself to truly smile. “Wow, it's been awhile since I laughed that much. That was nice.” He pulled his phone from his pocket and his smile quickly disappeared, “But it looks like it's time for me to head out.” He stood and shouldered his coat on, “Hopefully I'll get to see you before we leave.”

I smiled, “I would enjoy that. See you around.” Sam smiled and strode quickly out of the library. I looked down to find that he'd left the book he'd asked for open, and I pulled it around to look at the page he'd marked.

The deed was for the old abandoned house with the giant maple in the yard.

The last time I saw Sam Winchester is a little blurry. It's kind of a long story, and honestly I'm not even sure that I have all the details. I remember seeing the deed for the old house. Curiosity got the better of me and I did the one thing that I'm surprised I hadn't done before but realize now should never have; I googled the address of the Victorian house with the town’s oldest maple tree.

I vaguely recall reading what had to have been one of the more disturbing stories of our town that I had soundly decided not to include in our centennial write up. But even after I sat down to read something else, determined to not focus on the vicious quadruple murder/suicide that had occurred in the house, my mind kept returning to it.

Which had led me to my next question; why was Sam so interested in that house? And what family business was he doing that he needed the deed information? Nothing was adding up, and I was beginning to wonder what that handsome stranger was up to.

I remember leaving the library, bag in tow and determined to figure out what was going on. I had stopped at the end of the sidewalk before taking a big breath and striding up the cracked concrete like I owned the place.

And that's when things get a little fuzzy. All I can really remember is that I saw something that shouldn't have been real. That moment of pause, the shock of seeing a man that was long dead standing directly in front of me, nearly cost me my life. What I do remember is Sam appearing out of nowhere, quickly followed by a shorter man with bright eyes that I guessed was his brother, and a loud shotgun blast.

Then I was outside, my back against the maple tree and a large, rough hand cradled against my face.

“Y/N...hey, are you alright?” Any other time, opening my eyes to that handsome face would have been welcome. As it was, I could barely remember where I was, much less who was in front of me.

“I...yea...I think so...what happened?”

Sam breathed a sigh of relief, “It’s a long story.”

I shifted my weight and groaned as my bruised ribs protested at the movement, “What exactly do you and your brother do, anyway?”

He chuckled, “That's also a long story.” He helped me stand up, and I grimaced again. “Are you sure you're okay?”

I nodded, “Aside from the fact that I just saw something impossible, and said impossible thing tried to kill me...I'm pretty sure I'm good. Ask me tomorrow.” He smiled sadly and my chest ached, “You won't be here, will you?”

He shook his head, “No, we uh...we have some other things to take care of.” I stared at him for a moment and tried to memorize the way his hair fell in his face, the little mole on his chin, how his eyes seemed to change color. There were too many details, and I knew it would be impossible to do him justice in my spotty memory. So instead, I put my arms around his waist and pressed my ear to his chest and listened to the strong, steady beat of his heart.

“It was nice to meet you, Sam Winchester.”

Sam didn't say anything, but he wrapped his arms around me and held me a little tighter.

It's been a year since I last saw Sam Winchester. A year since I saw him standing under that maple tree, its bright red and orange leaves falling around him as he looked at his phone, unaware of the dumbstruck girl staring at him.

It's been a year since I let curiosity win out over common sense and I discovered that there was far more to this world than I could have ever imagined, and that the gentle giant that I had laughed with over coffee was responsible for keeping it all in check.

Sam and Dean had driven me home and the ride there was mostly silent. Sam sat in the back with me, his long legs tucked in as well as he could, and I had curled tightly into his side. My ribs complained the entire ride, but I ignored them; I wasn't passing up what could be my last chance to be this close to Sam.

Sam walked me to my door and pulled me into one last hug, and it took everything I had not to beg him to at least stay the night. He'd started to walk away, but at the last minute, turned back and pulled me into him, his soft lips working against mine almost desperately before he pulled back, gave me a tight lipped smile, and walked to the car. The next morning I went to stick my hand in my jacket pocket and found a piece of a napkin containing small, cramped handwriting. There was a number, and under that a single word - 'Sam'.

We had texted quite a bit for awhile; what he and Dean were up to, plans to get coffee when they finally made it back into town to visit, the most recent book we'd read. I knew that with their lifestyle, it would probably be awhile before I got to see Sam again, but I held on to hope. Then, finally, the messages stopped.

I'd like to think that he's okay, that he's saving people from the monsters that linger in the shadows, but I often worry that something happened. I think I'd feel it, though. For that much good to leave the world, I'm sure my heart would know.

I've kept the same routine this whole year. I walk the same path, go to the same job, live in the same apartment. And every day, I walk past the old Victorian, the maple looming over it with its canopy of fiery leaves. I’d always looked towards the house, only now I do so in hopes that I'll see a man, dressed like fall, and smiling. When I don't see him there, I like to imagine that he's off saving the world with his brother, one monster at a time.

That is, until today.

Because today, I walked the same path down the same road, crossed at the same corner, and just like I did exactly one year ago, I looked up at the house and the maple. Under its falling leaves, standing just where he was the first time I saw him, was Sam. Only this time, he wasn't looking down at his phone; this time he was looking straight at me. He was a bit thinner than he was back then, and he'd cut his hair a little different, but the smile was the same. I stopped a few feet away, afraid that if I blinked he'd disappear.

“Sorry I'm late,” he said softly, “things got a little...crazy.”

I nodded, “Long story?”

Sam chuckled, “Yea, you could say that.”

I walked over and wrapped my arms around his waist, my ear to his chest, and sighed happily. I never realized how relieved I would feel to hear someone’s heartbeat. “You know what, I have all day.”

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[ignaeflos-blog]

TAGGED BY: ooo she stealin ¬.¬ TAGGING: if you think erwin deserved better and/or you’ve eaten some form of potato in the last week ~

* GETTING  TO  KNOW  THE  MUN :

NAME :   Blaire NICKNAME : A bunch ; most frequent is actually a mispronunciation of my name used by my family; literally ‘Blah’ ; another embarrassing one is Bloom which i use as my pen-name - story behind this is so lame omg (two words : winx club) FACECLAIM :  don’t use one ~ (should i?)  rn im feeling mymate jake ^^^ PRONOUNS :   she / her HEIGHT :   153cm / 5′ -.- BIRTHDAY :    9th September  AESTHETIC : massive grey & jewel toned hoodies , weak autumn sun , vans slip-ons , snapbacks , anklets , buttered toast , blanket fortresses , dawn skies , double rainbows , cocoa butter , magpies , dried lavender , small , retro backpacks , dead winter flowers , 24hour chippies , moleskins , grid paper , smoking wood , half-shoes , orange lipsyls , vintage colour palettes , japanese prints , dog-eared victorian classics , red noses & fingers , off the shoulder bombers ~ LAST  SONG  YOU  LISTENED  TO :   Takeda Lullaby (lool I was searching for a song for Mrs A’s blog) FAVORITE  MUSE (S)  YOU’VE  WRITTEN : Only just started writing Mrs Ackerman & naturally i’ve invested far , far more into Nina so it kinda goes without saying my daughter takes the cake for this one (although im hella looking forward to developing Kaori too ~)

* GETTING  TO  KNOW  THE  ACCOUNT :

WHAT  INSPIRED  YOU  TO  TAKE  ON  THIS  MUSE :  Heard of snk years ago when my little sister was raving about it & i was like meh another over-hyped anime hahahaHA was i wrong i mean like, the hype was WELL worth it so I stuck my toe in & ended up drowning (idk if i regret it yet lol) ANYHOO, back when shit was simple & the only thing they had to worry about in snk was killing the titans , it was still established that the last surviving humans were solely made up of those within the walls who were , to my extreme confusion , 100% white caucasian (save for Mikasa & her mum) & i was just like yooo I knowyoufuckinlyin bc aint no way every single black/brown person just got devoured (like come on titans don’t see colour lool) & truthfully , that was the main reason I didn’t get into snk at the beginning (ik im a salty bitch k) SO YEAH that was half of my reason for creating Nina & raising the roof (she says) with a little diversity ygm. but the MAIN reason was bc i was hella HELLA into the lore & the origin of the titans (which was what eventually sucked me back in- that & anime crack x<) & i got so into it that i started writing a fic in an as spin-offy-ish way as possible i.e. where there is virtually no diversion from the canon plotline ~ & I needed a single person who’d seen it through from the pseudo-beginning (or who was tied to it in some way) for the reader to follow on a more personal level. then THAT blew hella out of proportion & I ended up planning her  journey far into and beyond the marley arc & forging relationships I never thought she’d have. I’ve always loved reading you guys’ writing & I found myself wanting to see , more realistically , how canon characters would react to Nina - when I say realistically, I mean without my control or influence bc in the fic , I’m basically  directing how interactions go. Also she’s my baby & I love her

WHAT  ARE  YOUR  FAVORITE  ASPECTS  OF  YOUR  CURRENT  MUSE :  I love her capacity to just get on with shit & idk if this is necessarily a good thing but nina has this ‘i dont give a damn’ attitude ingrained into her being, in a way that is quite liberating for her personally. After living through certain experiences , she has thrown all protocol , all decorum or just anything that ‘should be done’ to the dogs wind be it in the way she speaks , the stuff she does , they way she engages with people. BUT this doesn’t take away from the fact that she knows & recognises what things like duty & loyalty are , their importance & who she owes these to. I love her flippancy , her complete intolerance of bullshit , how she doesn’t wait for explanations when she sees real wrong/ something that bothers her which again isn’t always the wisest choice but still. I love her indisputable drive despite everything about her screaming the opposite , how when she decides something is going to be done , she’ll do it or die trying - I could go on forever honestly so I’m gonna save this for another post/ character study ~

WHAT’S  YOUR  BIGGEST  INSPIRATION  WHEN  IT  COMES  TO  WRITING :  Oh my , so many things ; a LOT of inspo is from everyday life & people I meet i.e. the phrases they use , the way they strike me ; I’m also very drawn to poets like armitage & pullman’s stuff as well but it really isn’t apparent at all in my writing. I LOVE dickens but again that’s not bait either um yh that’s thing with me with other people’s writing - i can love it to bits but I don’t always actively draw inspo from it (not any that you can see anyway) but honestly i’m just a potato who scribbles random bs that i sometimes like from my head :D

FAVORITE  TYPES  OF  THREADS :  I love dark/gallows humour or even just good old-fashioned comedy (i like to laugh ok) , give me angst or give me death , ‘rough’ fluff i.e. where one person really doesn’t want to fluff but can’t help themselves or where they show affection in a way that wouldn't really be seen as affectionate usually , human psyche discussions are also my shit ~ I really can’t think of anything I DONT like tbh, so

BIGGEST  STRUGGLE  IN  REGARDS  TO  YOUR  CURRENT  MUSE :  Organising her thoughts ; i find this difficult because Nina’s thought process i.e. when she’s carrying out a specific task, is very focused & kinda 1D ; at the same time when she’s ‘ at rest ‘ (look what physics has done to me) she will have a million other things racing through her head whilst having the situation at hand at the forefront & even then those ‘other thoughts’ are usually all to do with a certain blueprint she’s drawing up mentally or a thorough once over of the person before her/ her surroundings ; so although Nina appears to be a very distracted individual she really isn’t unless she finds a concrete plan for some machine & is in the process of building it/ is under stress). I find this very incompatible with my own thought process which is all over the fucking place & I dissociate/depersonalise a lot whereas Nina (ATM) has a very strong sense of self idk it’s something I’m working on ; I also have loads of qualms about whether Nina is a good character i.e. whether she’s interesting or original enough & even though this is dumb, whether people like her lol :’)

[blatherkatt]

Title: The Calm Is Terrifying When The Storm Is All You Know [Homestuck]

Intermission 1 

Summary: There were two kinds of trolls who went to Earth: rich shitheads with too much money and free time, and desperate assholes who couldn’t survive on Alternia, even with the best efforts of the young Condesce. Karkat hated the planet almost immediately, but with his home planet too dangerous for mutants, he really didn’t have any choice but to hide out on this weird little diurnal planet. At least he’d be safe. Or so he thought, right before blundering his way into an accidental friendship with the son of an anti-troll terrorist.

Rating: M

Chapter Warnings: Mentioned/implied abuse; Pesterlogs, No seriously this entire chapter is just logs, swear the next chapters at least a third finished but in the meantime this bit got way out of hand so here 

FIRST | PREVIOUS | NEXT

— excerpt of chatlog from group chat “assholes anonymous” 6/13/2015 —

GG: And I’m afraid that’s all Roxy and I know. She got a call from Terezi yesterday saying that she would need to wait a few days before coming down to visit again.

GT: Holy toledo! Christ on a cracker i really picked a bad time to study abroad didnt i. So much happened while i was gone!

— timaeusTestified [TT] is online! —

GT: I feel like a right fool for not checking my messages from anyone while i was away but i was just so overwhelmed by how many there were and so tired out from being in another country and all.

GT: Oh!

TG: DIRK

TG: motherfucker tell me whats goin on!!!!

GG: There you are! Is everything alright?

TT: Yeah, yeah, everything’s fine, give me a minute.

TT: Well. No. That’s wrong.

TT: Everything’s pretty much gone to shit, but everyone’s alive, somehow, and for the time being things have cooled the fuck off.

TG: aaaaaah now im even more scared what happened?!!

GT: Er its good to be back but the girls have been filling me in on whats played out in my absence and im afraid im on roxys side here what in the devilfucking dickens is going on exactly?

GG: Thirded!

TT: I take it you didn’t get around to reading the messages I sent you then, Jake?

TT: Which is fine. I kind of figured. Whatever.

TT: Short version: There was an attempt to reclaim Dave by some of the old man’s lackeys.

TT: An attempt which Dave knew about well in advance.

TG: oh shit

TG: oh shit dave nooooo D:

GG: Oh, goodness.

TT: I caught him having a panic attack in the kitchen, during the middle of the night on the twelfth. He managed to tell me essentially that we had four hours to prepare, and then we’d be under attack.

TT: He was planning on going with the quietly, apparently, but changed his mind at the last minute, I guess.

TT: Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad he told us, but…Ugh.

TT: It seemed like he was starting to get a little better, finally, and then this huge fucking setback hits.

TT: It’s frustrating.

GT: I’ll say it is! Gosh dirk im so sorry i missed so much of the leadup to this.

GT: Getting the poor boy back after ten years only for him to be such a mess and to finally get somewhere only to lose so much progress…

TG: aaaaaaaugh

TG: i mean is it really a setback though? he still told you!

TG: ive been having the hardest time getting him to talk about anything that happened to him and i think he n i get on pretty well

TG: he still chose to stay with us!

TT: Yeah, and it only took him two fucking months to do so. I don’t even know if he made that choice because he actually wants to be here.

TT: It’s more like he just decided we’re the lesser of two evils.

GG: Well, that’s better than nothing, right?

TT: Ha.

TT: Sure, I guess. Pardon me if I’m not thrilled, though.

TG: diiiiiirk

TG: dirk chill out a little like i get it but seriously!

TG: trust me dave doesnt want to be mean to anybody

TT: Of course he doesn’t.

TT: I’m not mad at Dave at all, don’t get me wrong.

TT: This is my fault.

GT: Now wait just a moment there strider!

GG: How on Earth is any of this your fault? It sounds to me like you made the best of a bad situation! Dave’s the only one who knew about this!

TT: It all goes back to that first meeting at the police station.

TT: I set the precedent. Made everything a him-versus-us, with Karkat his only ally.

TT: He doesn’t trust us because I somehow said exactly the wrong thing to him back in that interrogation room.

TG: im sure thats not it

TG: dirk hes not one to hold a grudge like you and rose are theres gotta be another reason

TT: I’d be happy to hear it, then, because I’m fucking clueless.

TT: Of all the problems I’ve tried to solve, my own fucking brother is proving the most enigmatic.

TT: He’s the fucking labyrinth at Crete, and I don’t have nearly enough fucking yarn to get through this.

TT: And apparently I’m a fucking outlier in that respect. Roxy’s figured Dave out, the fucking aliens get along with him fine, and apparently even Rose made up with him while my back was turned, because he’s been following her around all day, even though she ripped into him yesterday over Kanaya.

TT: Who, by the way, is a fucking vampire now. I feel like I’m losing brain cells just writing that, but there it is.

TT: I’m sharing the house with a literal alien vampire. I’m officially one of the side characters in my aunt’s trashy books.

TG: dirk dude im telling you dave isnt as complicated as you keep making him out to be!

TG: hes not a puzzle that needs to be solved hes just a scared kid!

TT: Why is he still scared, then? Why?

TT: I believe you, but how do I make him be not scared?

TT: Why the fuck can’t I understand my own brother!

— timaeusTestified [TT] is offline —

GG: Oh no.

GT: Jesus jumping jehosaphat!

— timaeusTestified [TT] is online —

TT: Sorry.

TT: Got a little too worked up, hit my desk hard enough that something came unplugged.

TG: dirk

TG: dirk.

TG: holy shit.

TT: I’m, uh, also sorry that I actually hit enter on those last few posts. That was kind of shitty. I’ll get a lid on it.

GT: You gave us all quite a fright there!

GG: I’ll say.

GG: You shouldn’t feel bad, though! I for one am glad you were honest!

GG: Maybe we can all figure out something! If Rose got things sorted out after the rocky start you mentioned, then I’m sure you can, too!

TG: have you tried talkin to him yet

TT: Oh, yeah, because talking to him went so well last time.

TT: Look, I appreciate the advice. But at this point,

TT: I’m pretty much prepared to just accept that he wants nothing to do with me.

TT: Can’t really blame him. I look like the old man. Probably set off enough bad memories that I’m just going to scare him worse.

TT: I’ll just stay out of his way as best I can.

TG: dirk that is literally the exact opposite of what you should be doing

GT: Well i dont know roxy it might work out better that way.

GT: Give the lad his space and let him settle in on his own time!

GT: Let the air clear a bit before trying anything you know?

TG: jake trust me dave needs a lot of really explicit verbal reassurance

TG: he is the scaredest fucking kid you can imagine okay

TG: he apologizes for things that arent even things that should be apologized for

TG: and says hes sorry again even after you tell him hes done nothing wrong just to be extra sure

TG: and he wont do anything unless you specifically tell him hes allowed

TG: and even then hes super cautious about it

GG: Gosh…

TT: Exactly.

TT: If he’s that scared, me forcing him into a conversation is only going to make things worse. It’s not going to be a productive talk if he’s completely shut down.

TT: I’ll figure it out, alright? Just.

TT: I need to rethink things, maybe. Slow down a little.

TT: It’s just a setback. We’ll recover.

TG: uuuuugh

TG: this whole things such a mess :(

TG: let me know when im allowed to come over and hug on him again will you?

TT: Sure thing.

TG: hug him yourself in the meantime!

TT: Probably not a great idea, Rox.

TG: >:(

— excerpt of chatlog from group chat “who you gonna call” 6/13/2015 —

EB: geez. thats pretty crazy.

EB: i cant believe dave would put you guys all in danger like that.

GG: im sure he didnt mean to!

TT: I agree, actually, Jade.

GG: :0 !!!

EB: really?

TT: I spoke to Dave after all the carnage ended, and I’ve come to realize that I’ve been completely misinterpreting his behavior.

TT: I’ve been viewing everything he does through the lens of my own behavior and Dirk’s, and assuming that everything he did which irritated me was done out of some form of antagonism.

TT: Yesterday, I learned exactly how far off I’ve been, and I’d like to apologize for sharing that mistaken impression with you two.

TT: The problem hasn’t been that Dave is holding some petty grudge. It’s that he’s been scared.

GG: :(

GG: :( :( :(

EB: scared? dave?

TT: Terrified, even.

TT: He was literally so frightened when I confronted him that he could barely move.

GG: oh no! rose!

TT: I apologized, I promise, and I’ve been trying to reign myself in around him now that I know there is fear at foot.

TT: I’m a little horrified myself, frankly, at how bad things must be for him.

EB: but if hes so scared why didn’t he just tell you guys sooner?

TT: He’s scared both ways, essentially. Terrified of what we’ll do to him if he breaks some rule here, terrified of what our father will do to him.

TT: I had expected trauma from the beginning, but when it didn’t present in the ways I expected, I assumed he was just fine.

TT: But this is…

TT: It’s as if his fear responses, even his fight or flight reflex, are just…broken.

TT: Like I said, when I confronted him, his eyes were huge and terrified, but he made no move to defend himself, nor did he try to escape. He just…braced himself. Readying himself for a blow that I had no intention of ever delivering, but which he dreaded more with every second it didn’t come.

TT: Ever since, I’ve been paying attention to his body language, since it’s so hard to read his expressions when he’s got those sunglasses on, and I’ve noticed so many times where he tenses up, so suddenly and to such an extreme that I’m surprised it doesn’t physically hurt him.

TT: And it’s not just for legitimate potential threats, like someone looking angry. He does it for the slightest sounds, for random movements, sometimes seemingly for no reason at all.

TT: Hes like some feral animal, constantly thinking he’s going to be hunted, and yet, he can’t run. He just sits there and waits for the blow to land, hoping that if he simply takes whatever punishment is thrown on him, it will end sooner.

TT: And all I can think is just…

TT: What kind of hell has he been through for these past ten years that he reacts to things as simple as a creaking floorboard or a waving hand makes him think he’s going to be attacked?

TT: What did that son of a bitch do to my brother?

EB: jesus.

GG: D:

EB: i always knew that things were bad for dave but i didnt think it was any where near that bad!

GG: hes not in too much trouble is he??

TT: Not at all.

TT: Terezi let him off with a warning, and there’s not much else we can do to him, besides. He’s already under house arrest.

TT: He knows what he did wrong.

GG: thats good! i wonder why he waited so long to tell the truth though?

TT: I’m pretty sure at this point that he was never intending on telling us.

EB: what! why not!

TT: I don’t think he believes he has a choice. He did tell Dirk what happened while having a panic attack, after all. I suspect it may have been something similar to the sort of terror that strikes when you realize it’s the end of a vacation period from school, and you’re not ready to go back yet.

TT: Except, you know, way worse, on account of it being abuse at the hands of a literal terrorist he would have to return to.

TT: He said something that stuck with me, when I asked, and he seemed very genuinely sad when he said it.

TT: “It doesn’t matter what I want. He’s going to come back for me again.”

TT: He’s so resigned to a fate that he is not actually doomed to.

EB: wow :(

TT: But on the bright side,

TT: I think he’s starting to realize that we really aren’t going to hurt him.

GG: yeah?

TT: He’s been following me around like a lost puppy all day. He jumps whenever I move too quickly, but he’s actually here in the room with Kanaya and I right now. The two of them have been chatting on and off for a while.

TT: I suspect it may be just that he hasn’t worked up the courage to talk to Karkat yet, but even so, he seems like he’s testing a boundary.

TT: Pushing to see if I really am no longer angry with him. It’s certainly a welcome change from his usual habit of hiding in his own bedroom.

GG: oh gosh!! can you tell him i said hi?

EB: holy shit hes right with you? get him online!

TT: John, he’s not allowed to use a computer, remember?

EB: fuck!

EB: tell him i said hi too, then!

GG: looool

TT: Done.

TT: He lit up a little, and mumbled a “Hi” right back.

GG: :D

EB: lol, dork.

TT: He says “This coming from John ‘unironically likes Nick fucking Cage’ Egderp.”

EB: >:B !!!!

— golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] —

GT: Hey, um.

GT: I know this is probably not something you really want to hear just now, but i really do want to apologize.

GT: I just got so distracted and worn out while abroad, and you always send so damned many messages, i didnt have the energy to read them all.

TT: It’s fine.

GT: No it isnt! Dirk i know how hugely important getting dave home has been to you ive known for ages!

GT: And whatever tumultuous relationship status we may currently be sharing youre still my best bro and i feel like a right horse’s arse for not being here for you during such a rollercoaster of a rough time!

TT: It’s alright, really. I appreciate the sentiment, but it’s wholly unnecessary.

GT: I promise ill at least try and check my messages more and keep more up to date on the situation.

GT: Let me know if theres any way i can help alright?

TT: Sure.

TT: Welcome home, by the way. It’s nice to talk to you again.

GT: Likewise!

— twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling grimAuxilitrix [GA] —

TA: TZ told me two me22age you, and by that ii mean 2he woke me up wiith a text 2aying ‘talk two kanaya a2ap a22hole 2hit2 gone down’.

TA: 2o what exactly ii2 goiing on.

GA: Um

GA: Well Im A Rainbow Drinker Now

TA: oh.

TA: you know what actually fuck thii2 iim goiing back two 2leep.

— twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling grimAuxilitrix [GA] —

[kirasderek]

im sorry for coming to you with this but i always heard genderswap was transphobic??? is it not? genuinely curious i dont mean this sarcastically

It can absolutely be done for transphobic reasons or done in a transphobic way. However, so can explicitly trans content, or any other kind of fan content. The general idea people use to claim it's transphobic is that 'cis swapping' is the only kind of gender change fans will create, leaving out trans and/or nonbinary iterations of characters. Personally, as a nonbinary person, gender changes in fan work were a way for me to explore my gender identity before I was even aware anything existed outside of the binary. I wrote or imagined a good bit of it myself, while also reading and writing tropes that sometimes get attacked for transphobia (like 'sexualized' crossdressing). I don't think there's anything wrong with wondering how things would go if a character were another gender. And though I don't believe in the concept of 'socialization' as an all-encompassing, privilege-conveying thing, I do know that, for example, a cis boy Harry, a trans boy Harry, a trans girl Harry, and a cis girl Harry would likely experience very different things growing up. All of those ideas are worth exploring to me, along with bigender Harry and agender Harry etc etc. I know some trans people are uncomfortable with the content. Maybe it causes them dysphoria, but that can come from anywhere - personally I love trans man Remus, but seeing art of him drawn in certain ways to convey that makes me EXTREMELY dysphoric. And that's the 'correct' way to do things according to a lot of people trying to remove this particular form of gender change in fan works! But it's bad for me, it makes me feel bad about myself. But I would never tell someone to stop making it. I think it's a good thing that fans should have access to, it's just not for me!I can't speak for all trans people, but I can say that sometimes well-meaning cis allies can overstep and take over what ought to be an intra-community discussion. Fan works with gender changes - whether it be exploring a character as the 'opposite' cis gender, or as a nonbinary gender(s), or as a binary trans person - can be very beneficial to fans exploring or validating their own genders. It can be upsetting for other trans people, but I don't think that's because it's inherently harmful. Recently, in a fandom I'm only tangentially related to, I saw a huge argument go down over art showing a canon male character drawn as a cis woman, specifically because of the relative lack of women in the source material. And a lot of the people I saw squabbling back and forth were cis, and I just think this kind of argument is drowning out trans voices. I'd be happy to talk to other trans people who hold the opposite opinion on this issue, but I'm not going to be shouted down by cis people who likely aren't creating any more trans material than the people they're reprimanding. Basically: yes, please, create more trans and/or nb headcanons, stories, art. But if you think, hey, wouldn't Dr/rry make cute girlfriends? I'm not going to get mad at you. I'm going to agree because gosh, they do, that's some cute art. Also, a lot of times with non-smut fic and art, there's really no reason to automatically assume these characters have been 'cis swapped' - otherwise you're assuming you know what trans people can and should look like. I'm all here for trans girlfriends as well.

[dreamycarat]

13012

Characters: Lee Jihoon, Hong Joshua Genre: idk slight angst maybe Words: 3410 words Summary: Joshua’s sudden leave from Seventeen surprises everyone.

“An angel, you are?” Jihoon mumbled alone, a pen in his hand, writing lyrics for Seventeen’s new song. Jihoon’s eyes kept blinking out of tiresome, realizing that he hadn’t slept in two days. It hit him right in the chest that he didn’t even go back to his dorm for almost a week up to the day, nor did he see his members. He literally locked himself up in the four walls of his not-so-small studio, producing some presents for the Carats. His beloved Carats.

Somehow, the lyrics seemed so wrong. So cheesy too. Jihoon sighed in frustration, running his fingers along his black hair before crumpling the paper full of his messy handwriting. He then threw the paper ball into the dustbin at the corner of the studio. Jihoon took out another piece of new paper, put it before his eyes and he put his head on the table. He was exhausted.

Jihoon’s iPhone 7 lighted up with a message popped up on his lockscreen. It was a message from Joshua. The 21-year-old man shrugged, not caring to read the message and he put his phone aside, making sure to turn it off beforehand. Jihoon glued his eyes on the blank paper and he exhaled sharply, feelings mixed with exhaustion and annoyance. He was extremely worn out and the fact that none of the lyrics made sense to him annoyed him to the core.

“ARGH!” He shouted in top of his voice. The thought of disappointing his members and Carats clouded his busy mind that he didn’t realize a knock coming from the door. Someone opened the door slightly, peeking from outside.

It was Joshua.

“Jihoon,” Joshua’s soft voice called his name. Jihoon immediately turned around with a frown pasted on his face.

“Yes?”

“You didn’t read my message?” The older man asked, leaning against the door frame. He had a luggage behind him - the one Vernon gave him as a Christmas present when they were still trainees.

Jihoon shrugged. “I’m in the middle of thinking. I don’t have time to read your message, hyung.” The tone of his voice screamed annoyance but he didn’t give a slight damn about it. ‘Joshua understands,’ he thought to himself. The man before him only nodded before plastering a small smile on his calm face, showing off his cat-like eyes. His eyes were his best features, according to Jihoon three years ago. But as time passed by, Jihoon realized that Joshua’s manners were indeed his best features. Joshua was somehow raised to be a true gentleman who constantly put on a smile while helping others. Not to mention that he always held back his anger - he was really good in it. An expert, indeed.

“Okay. I just-” Joshua paused. He seemed to take a deep breath. “Want to say goodbye.” His voice was laced with a hint of sadness but Jihoon let it off. The younger man nodded and turned away, trying to get back to work. Joshua was still holding the door knob, blinking a few times, wondering if this was the best decision he could make.

“I love you,” Joshua voiced out before shutting the door. It happened so fast that Jihoon couldn’t even make a face. But his heart was literally screaming, it felt like ripping apart without knowing why. However, Jihoon pushed the thought away and continued writing the lyrics.

He didn’t read Joshua’s message that day.

-

Seungcheol barged into Jihoon’s studio without even knocking, face as white as sheet, beads of cold sweat could be seen on his forehead. Jihoon turned around in slight surprise, asking why. The older man panted, putting his hand on his chest, catching his breath. Seungcheol seemed so restless - shocked, even.

“Joshua,” he muttered, chest heaved. “He left.” Jihoon told Seungcheol to reiterate, in case he was hearing it wrong. The leader of Seventeen put a hand in the air, as if telling Jihoon to wait as he paid off his oxygen debt. Jihoon guessed that Seungcheol ran all the way from their dorm to his studio, by looking at Seungcheol’s pyjamas.

“Hong Joshua left the group,” the handsome man stated.

“WhatsApp group?”

“No! Seventeen! He left Seventeen!” Jihoon stilled, trying to digest the words. Seconds later, a rush of adrenaline flowed, thousands of thoughts and questions surrounded his mind like dark clouds, eating him alive.

“What the hell?” Jihoon mumbled to himself. He focused on the tall man before him whose eyes were trembling with fears - to disappoint the fans and also the members. He pitied Seungcheol, knowing that later on, the older man would’ve to see the press and explain the hella confusing situation. He would be bombarded with millions of questions regarding to Joshua.

'Is it because of a fight between the members?’

'Does Pledis kick him out of Seventeen?’

'Is it because of health issues?’

'Did Joshua discuss it with you?’

'How are the members reacting to the news?’

'Are you still going to comeback in March?’

Jihoon could hear the questions at the back of his head, loud and clear. He could imagine Seungcheol with a fist under the table, surpressing his anger towards the heartless press. But he knew that Seungcheol would be very smart in answering the questions. The leader was trained for five long years to control the situation. He knew everything - what to answer and what not to answer.

But still… WHY?

Seungcheol informed that an urgent meeting between the members will be held in ten minutes at their dorm, thus he insisted Jihoon to go home. Jihoon was still dumbfounded. He couldn’t insist to stay, especially when the situation was extremely dangerous to them. And so Jihoon followed Seungcheol back to their dorm, where the other 10 members were already sitting in a big circle, impatiently waiting for them.

Jihoon immediately filled in the empty spot of the circle between Mingyu and Jun as Seungcheol locked the front door. Jeonghan sat opposite of Jihoon, serious as hell, not caring to at least greet Jihoon who had not been home for 6 days. The surrounding was silent but tensed. Even Seungkwan, the loudest member in the group kept silent, fingers playing with Vernon’s, lips forming a pout. Chan, on the other hand, was crying but Jihoon could see how hard the youngest man tried to hold back his tears. His sobs were slow but heavy. Minghao helped to wipe those tears away. As soon as Seungcheol completed the big circle, he asked in his stern voice, “Does anyone know anything?”

Silence.

Mingyu shrugged, saying, “Joshua hyung didn’t say anything when I asked him why was he packing his things up.” Jeonghan looked up to see Jihoon straight in his eyes and said, “Joshua said this is not our fault.” There was a hint of sarcasm in Jeonghan’s voice, as if he was telling Jihoon something indirectly.

“Perhaps you know something, Jihoon?”

Jihoon furrowed his eyebrows at Jeonghan, fingers unknowingly curled into a fist before Jun slowly wrapped his fingers around Jihoon’s and uncurled his fist. “I know nothing,” Jihoon replied, trying to stay calm, when all eyes were on him. “I am in the studio all the time. How the hell would I freaking know about anything?”

“If Joshua is still here, he would’ve reminded you of your language, Jihoon,” Soonyoung remarked. “We are not here to blame anyone, guys,” Seungcheol reminded them before a sigh escaped his lips. Jihoon bit his lower lip. Minghao then asked, “Is this permanent? I mean, he really left? Forever?”

“We don’t know yet,” Mingyu answered. Wonwoo ran his fingers along his hair in slight frustration, though he didn’t seem to say anything about the situation. Jihoon’s eyes narrowed the moment Seungcheol’s phone rang. Everyone’s eyes landed on the leader, who quickly slided his index figer along the green button, answering the call. Jihoon’s heart beat so fast that he could actually hear it in his two ears.

“Yes, our manager told us about that,” Seungcheol said. He mouthed 'CEO’ to the members as he replied, “Nothing is wrong, sir. No. No. There’s no such things. We don’t fight.” The other members exchanged glances on each other, wondering, still puzzled of the situation. Seungcheol seemed to listen to their CEO’s so-called explanation as he nodded and mouthed 'Yes, sir’ over and over again. Jun once again wrapped his fingers around Jihoon’s, slightly caressing the soft hand as if he was telling Jihoon that it would be fine. Joshua would be okay.

“I’m sorry you have to face this situation,” Jun whispered. Jihoon turned to his left to take a closer look at the Chinese man’s handsome face and he nodded. “It’s fine.” “No, it’s not fine. You are already so stressed out from composing our songs. You shouldn’t have been pulled into this problem.” The shorter man shook his head and replied softly, “I am a part of the group, Jun. Of course I should-” his words were cut off when Seungcheol finally hung up.

“Joshua met the CEO last week. He said that he needed time to think.” Seungcheol took a deep breath, pausing, and Seokmin asked, “Think of what?”

“I don’t know, dude. Maybe you annoyed him to death,” Vernon attempted a joke. Seokmin glared the younger man and said, “He was voted as the most annoying member in Seventeen, if you forget.”

“Stop it, kids. We are not going to argue about this. We are here to find a solution. Explanation, maybe. Anyway, Joshua said that he would be meditating for a long long time. There are things that bothered him so much. And he would appreciate it if we stop communicating with him in any ways.” Seungcheol took a pause and added, “Just until he is fine.”

“How do we know that he is fine?” Chan asked.

“Is he still in Korea?” Seungkwan asked. Seungcheol shook his head. “He took a plane to L.A a few hours ago.”

“I can’t believe he just left without saying anything to us. Not even a goodbye,” Mingyu whined, pouting. Jihoon stilled. “He what?” Mingyu turned to Jihoon and asked, “What?”

“He didn’t say goodbye?” Jihoon asked, wanting to make sure he heard it right. The tallest member im the group nodded.

“What the hell…” Jihoon muttered, closing his eyes. He cursed under his breath before saying, “Joshua came to see me this morning. With a luggage. He said goodbye. But… That’s it.”

“What’s your point, Jihoon?” Jeonghan furrowed his eyebrows. “The point is, Joshua came to see me. To say goodbye.”

“Okay, wait-” Soonyoung said, “Who was in the dorm when Joshua left?” Everyone looked at each other and at the same time, they glued their eyes on Mingyu. “What? I saw him packing but then I went to get my morning coffee.” Minghao asked, “Then?” “Then, I went to our practice room, obviously.”

“So, Jihoon is the last person to see Joshua,” Jeonghan stated as a matter-of-fact. Jihoon sucked in more air. Something then hit him right in the chest. The message. Jihoon’s hands roamed along his pockets, trying to find his phone. Damn. He left his phone in the studio.

-

Jihoon spent the night at the dorm, not sleeping, but thinking. He couldn’t stop wondering about the message. He was calculating the possibilities that he was the one who made Joshua leave. If he were to list down all the things he did to the elder man, the list would be endless. Most of the things would be making a face when Joshua talked to him unknowingly. It wasn’t exactly a hobby but he couldn’t help but to only focus on his work. He didn’t really like it when Joshua randomly popped out of nowhere and invited him to dinner and lunch and breakfast. Joshua had always been there, annoying him- or taking care of him, to be exact, but in an annoying way. He would make sure Jihoon had his meal right on time, never muttered profanities out loud and always slept on time. Joshua was always there, until a week ago.

Jihoon remembered the day Joshua started acting all weird and odd around him, avoiding him in any ways. They didn’t fight the day before. Jihoon never knew why. He didn’t even bother to ask since he was secretly enjoying the time he had to himself. He was quite selfish, he realized. He only cared about himself and his work and nothing else.

But oh, Jihoon remembered something. He was quite drunk the night before Joshua stopped caring about him. He remembered being all tensed up and Joshua brought him a bottle of soju, his favorite alcohol. Joshua didn’t drink, literally. And Jihoon knew he muttered something bad. Maybe curses. Or maybe he said that Joshua was annoying.

Oh God.

-

Joshua’s message was simple yet complicated. “I love you so much that it hurts.” Jihoon could hear Joshua’s soft voice at the back of his head. He tried to understand the words but he couldn’t. Why would it hurt? Why would loving your friend hurt? It didn’t make any sense at all. Jihoon couldn’t come out with anything.

“Hey, you wanna lunch?” Vernon asked, startling Jihoon. The shorter guy literally jumped out of his seat, holding his phone close to his chest. “Seriously, Vernon? I could’ve died because of hesrt attack!” The Korean-American man shrugged, “I knocked, okay.” Jihoon let out a sigh before nodding, following Vernon and the others to a 'gopchang’ restaurant.

Jihoon stood in front of the entrance, eyes glued to the signboard. Gopchang Restaurant. Joshua. He remembered forgetting Joshua in November when he had dinner with the vocal unit. Joshua talked about that with his sad eyes in Yang and Nam Show.

Jihoon took a deep breath.

“Come on, hyung!” Seungkwan pulled Jihoon into the restaurant. They settled in a table at the corner of the restaurant, greeted by Kyungsoo’s sweet voice singing For Life, EXO’s new song. The young men exchanged glances on each other and without a cue, they played rock, paper and scissors to talk to the owner and change the song. It was a usual thing to do for them - shamelessly asking the owner of the restaurant to play their song in the restaurant.

Seungkwan and Vernon held out a rock, Jihoon forcefully made a paper and Seungcheol made the scissors sign. No loser. Again. This time, everyone but Jihoon held out a paper as Jihoon made a rock sign. He puffed his cheeks annoyingly and pouted when his three friends happily beamed and cheered for him.

“Go talk to the owner, Jihoon.” Slowly, Jihoon made his way to the counter and asked to see the owner. The young girl standing before him seemed to be knowing him as her lips curled into a big smile, eyes not even blinking, nodding. But she stood there, frozen.

“Ehem,” Jihoon faked a cough and the girl quickly apologized and called the owner of the restaurant. An old woman with grey hair tied up in a bun walked out of the kitchen, smiling at Jihoon.

“Hi, I am from a group called Seventeen. Um, is it possible for you to play our song in the restaurant?” The old woman’s smile became bigger as she nodded. “Of course, young man.”

When Jihoon finally reached his members, he could hear 'Don’t Listen Secretly’ by the Vocal unit. Joshua’s soft voice started the song and his first line hit him hard.

“We grow further these days.”

Jihoon gulped. It felt as if Joshua’s words were slicing his heart open, slitting it mercilessly that Jihoon had to clutch his chest. His breathings were uneven, not that he cared but deep down inside, he couldn’t deny the fact that he kind of missed Joshua.

“I feel you, Jihoon,” Seungcheol said, putting a hand on the younger man’s shoulder, trying to console Jihoon. Seungcheol knew Jihoon was trying so hard to adapt to the situation. Being in charge of producing the songs, it would’ve been so frustrating for Jihoon to actually focus on his work, not when his person - Joshua - was gone.

“We just have to give him some space, I guess,” Vernon added with a sigh. Their smiles literally faded away, replaced with a frown and a permanent scar in their heart. A scar that would always remind them of the pain to lose someone they loved, even when losing Joshua could be temporary. Could…

-

February had arrived even though Jihoon begged for the time to stop. He couldn’t focus on his work. The CEO had already scolded him for postponing the recording of their main song and also vocal unit’s song but he didn’t give a slight damn about it. He believed that Joshua would be back. He knew that Joshua would appear one day, looking fine as hell, smiling with his cat-like eyes and wanted to participate in this comeback. Of course, he was Hong Joshua. He was a part of Seventeen after all. It took 13 people to complete the group. 13, including Joshua. This was where he needed to be. Not in L.A. But here, in Korea, performing in front of their fans. This was his home.

And Jihoon was right. For the first time in what he felt like years, he was right.

Joshua came home.

He was clad in the long-sleeve shirt Jihoon gave him as a birthday present and a pair of his favorite jeans, hair swiped up like how Jihoon loved, sitting on the chair, strumming the guitar smoothly as if he had no problem in this world. The corner of his lips curved upwards, head bobbing up and down slightly when Jihoon’s small figure appeared in the reflection of the mirror.

Jihoon blinked. He stilled. He literally stopped breathing because the sight of Joshua in front of him took his breath away. He missed his brother so much. But he was also mad, realizing how Joshua just turned up in front of him with a freaking smile without a notice, as if he did nothing wrong. As if he never tortured the 12 men mentally for a month.

But, anyway, Joshua came home.

-

“Why?” It was the first word that came out of Jihoon’s mouth. The question was amazingly short, compared to the amount of curiosity he had inside. His emotions were overflowing that he couldn’t differentiate whether he was actually mad or sad or happy.

Joshua looked at the younger man straight in his eyes, not blinking. The smile he put on his face earlier eventually disappeared, lips forming a straight line. A sigh escaped his lips, heart heavy, not wanting to answer the question.

“Why?” Jihoon repeated his question, louder this time. Joshua turned away. This was not how he wanted to be greeted by Jihoon, not after all the sessions with his psycologist.

“Joshua…” Jihoon whimpered. His chest felt like bursting and if Joshua didn’t say anything this time, it could actually blow up. His heart would explode out of anger and curiosity and when the time came, Jihoon knew that he wouldn’t be able to forgive Joshua. The silent treatment he was receiving was disturbing him so much.

“I couldn’t,” Joshua finally spoke, “You were a distraction.” Jihoon was taken aback. “You- I liked you a lot, Jihoon. Not as a friend. But more… I liked you more than the others. And it was disturbing me because I was afraid that this could lead me into a path full of sins. And so I had to go. I had to find a cure to this stupid feeling before it consumed me. I had to because I needed to be straight. And I have been seeing a psycologist and also a councellor and now, I’m here, right in front of you. I am home. And I am fine as heck.”

Jihoon was speechless.

“I am perfectly straight now, in case you’re afraid of me.” Jihoon stood there, frozen, dumbfounded. He didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t afraid of Joshua. He was just surprised. “Okay, you know what, forget about it. Pretend as if I said nothing. Gosh. This is so awkward.”

“Okay.”

Jihoon opened his mouth to say something but then he paused and eventually closed it again. Jihoon closed his eyes for a moment. He took a few deep breaths.

Joshua came home. The group was now complete.

“Perhaps you wanna record the songs tonight?”

——————————

Note: This is a sin oh god I did not just write that omg. I am not into yaoi at all. I am also very straight. Oh Gosh. Anyway, Shua is currently wrecking my bias list. All of the members are bias wreckers tho.