#for those not knowing. im four days post op
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xoraevius ¡ 2 years ago
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the pain meds may be hittin and giving me a lil buzz but oooh my god i have missed reading tags so much… def my fave part of tumblr. love to see ppl’s lil thoughts and whispers on my art, even how someone just tags things for their personal sorting. so cute. thank u for writing
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aprilmayverse ¡ 5 months ago
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mayverse dash simulator
💅 pinkprlncesses Follow
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🧟‍♀️ samuraishattered Follow op this is an incredibly fucked up and insensitive way to post about this. six people are dead. four of them are literal children. imagine losing a loved one and people are fucking memeing about it with supernatural. grow up. learn some fucking respect for the dead. this isn't just some quirky little fandom story like sharpie bath or whatever. these are real kids who had hopes and dreams and families and loved ones and now they are dead.
💅 pinkprlncesses Follow was it ever really that deep
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🦴 trudycryme Follow New video about June July and Dysnomia Badmann's murders on the way! Special surprise at the end so stay tuned ;) Sponsored by Tender Lender <3
🦴 trudycryme Follow No fucking way
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🩰 blood-and-books Follow wait, has anyone noticed that the accomplice in the bluecorp case and that 13 year old who killed her gfs parents and 2 random boys are half-sisters??
🍭 mera-duras-left-eyebrow Follow WAIT AND THEIR OLDEST SISTER HAD LINKS W/ BLUECORP TOO WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN
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🪷 helloroses Follow does anyone remember how fucked up april may's career was. i rewatched pint-sized princesses after the news got out about her execution and like i know it was the 90s but what the fuck was going on there. it feels like a crime to watch it
🪷 helloroses Follow it's the same with her modelling career, why was she, a teenage girl, doing so many photoshoots where she was barely clothed. why did ad campaigns need all this
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🦢 evilwomanenjoyer Follow why are we defending june july in 2018. she killed people. she murdered people. you are the same people who defend joe darke and dahlia hawthorne and matt engarde and fucking redd white. she took lives. where am i.
🐜 what-is-a-username420 Follow please learn about nuance and use your brain
🦢 evilwomanenjoyer Follow nuance is for fictional characters like pious priestess or whoever the fuck. not for real life situations like this.
🐜 what-is-a-username420 Follow sometimes im like "the reading comprehension on this site isnt THAT bad" and then i read shit like "nuance is for fiction not for real life"
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🦴 trudycryme Follow I am truly, truly sorry for attempting to film those teenagers corpses and for breaking into the victims childhood home in an attempt to interview his family 2 days after the murder, I understand why I was wrong and I'm going to try my best to refrain from doing stuff like that next time lol. To further this, I'm starting a new merch collection and donating 20% of profits to JAVCV (Japanifornian Association for Victims of Violent Crime), buy it before the sale ends on March 4th!
🧟‍♀️ samuraishattered Follow not to be harsh but i hope you die
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🌈 godsstrongestfujo Follow i think april may was a genuinely a bad person like she was just this rich woman who both did the modelling campaign + assisted in the murder to get money from her sugar daddy. shes not as innocent as yall make her out to be she just has pretty privelege
🍁 diskhorse-divorce Follow 1. she was not rich. she, her single mother, and sister were homeless for years. she had to be a child star and teen model to provide for herself and her family. they lived in a trailer at some point 2. she was very obviously being threatened by white. the courts said it was a lie because of fucking misogyny and white's power over her. 3. even if she did do it out of her own free will she still got executed over a crime where the death penalty at age 23 was not justified. 4. why are you calling a thirteen year old a bad person for doing an ad campaign where she was being heavily sexualised and exploited and stolen from you fucking weirdo
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🩰 angelfawns Follow april may was such a tragic girl and an icon and so beautiful omg. she looked SO good during the summer 2008 ad campaign for bluecorp too. hold on i need to change my pfp
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🐦‍⬛ proud-edgelord Follow if my parents named me teylhoure i wouldve killed myself too
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stxrrnightjxr ¡ 3 months ago
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I’m so sad because I just saw a post and I can’t remember the OP’s username or find the post that I got this idea from (if anyone knows it, pls tell me?) 😭😭 BUT‼️‼️‼️ I rlly wanted to do this cause it seems fun (also cause why not?)
So, I’m putting marauders + a few others through one of those Hunger Games simulator things 😁 (I tried to put people in districts somewhat by association, connection, someway, but towards the end I just added in people + people I forgot before) specifically, I’ve put in :
In district one: Regulus and Sirius Black
In district two: James Potter and Marlene McKinnon
In district three: Remus Lupin and Mary Macdonald
In district four: Evan and Pandora Rosier
In district five: Barty Crouch Jr. and Dorcas Meadowes
In district six: Severus Snape and Lily Evans
In district seven: Bellatrix and Narcissa Black
In district eight: Amycus and Alecto Carrow
In district nine: Ted Tonks (I know he’s a muggle but I wanted to put him in 😭) and Andromeda Black
And in district ten: Bruce Mulciber and Peter Pettigrew
Im gonna try to post one day + one night each day (but I will probably fail and want to look ahead 😭) this’ll all be tagged under #starr’sGames
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remyfire ¡ 9 months ago
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remy help, im writing my first mash fic and idk anyone who watches the show so idk who else to ask. do u know how the hell post op shifts work?? like is there a surgeon in there all the time? how long are shifts/how often do they trade off? i figure if anyone would know, itd be you (ps i love ur work and thank u <3)
This is so sweet omg and I'm excited to read your fic!! If you're comfortable when it's done, lemme know that it's posted so I can come read it :D
Honestly I do a lot of my own writing about it based on context clues rather than any firm, clear knowledge!! In my fics, I usually make the shifts around like 8 hours long, one surgeon on the midnight post-op shift because it's usually quieter, one relieves them in the morning, one relieves them in the afternoon, etc. After big pushes, I usually put two in there at a time because there's so much to monitor, but also that's what their very well-trained nurses are for. We know that there are two surgical shifts—they'll say over the loudspeaker for both surgical shifts to report to the helipad when there's a push—and also that there is a surgeon 'on call,' so I'm not sure if the surgical shift relates to post-op, relates to a surgeon being on call for those 12 hours to come scrub up if they get like just three or four casualties who come in, or what. I play pretty fast and loose with it and also smudge the edges of the scene rather than getting very specific with the details fhkdfsd
We see several scenes where during mealtimes, all of the surgeons are eating together, so I often assume that if it's slow during mealtime, they can go grab a bite as long as they're listening to be called back in if there's an emergency. But we also know that in Merchant of Korea, Charles asks BJ to close his last patient for him so Charles can go get a bite to eat before his post-op shift, which BJ points out isn't protocol, so I might be wrong about mealtimes. They get at least one day completely off medical duties because I vaguely remember someone complaining once that they had to go do something I think in post-op or surgery on their day off.
But yeah, for simplicity's sake (and often the convenience of having the Swamp occupied only by two of them oop), I usually have one in there at all times except for meals, and if there's two—say, after a really big push—then usually I have one focusing on paperwork while the other is more actively rotating among the beds. But they have so many really amazing nurses that monitor the patients much closer and just generally keep the doctors updated, then take orders based on that, so I feel like they pull a lot of weight when a doctor needs to step out for one reason or another too.
This has probably not been helpful at all. Anyone with more concrete information is welcome to weigh in because it's probably better assistance than my "I go by vibes based on what best assists my plot at the time."
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positivelybeastly ¡ 3 months ago
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SEEING THE HEADCANON THING
TW for my intense negativity.
ITS TIME FOR ANOTHER INSTALLMENT OF
GOATS GREMLIN GIBBER JABBER
You don’t have to answer this one if you don’t want to, hell you don’t even have to read it cause this installment has
rage
Behind it.
So is it Riggs Raging Rant time? Yes.
Sorry for the intense negativity but it gets my GOAT. It genuinely does so much, and I know you most definitely understand this.
It sucks when I have seen more than once “oh I love the O5” or “I drew the O5!” AND HANK ISN’T THERE OR ITS JUST HIS HAND OR SOMETHING THAT ALLUDED TO HIM.
Literally I have SEEN someone say “oh the O5 have such a great sibling dynamic.” And they give examples for everyone EXCEPT HANK.
Im sorry did we forget how to count everyone?
I get it. I’m an artist and drawing 5 people in a picture is hard. It is. But like…drawing even three people together is hard hell sometimes even two when the idea isn’t cooperating. But don’t say you did something for the O5 WHEN ITS NOT ALL 5 OF THEM.
It just hurts…it hurts a lot and for some damn reason it gets me to tear up genuinely. LIKE I KNOW HES A FICTIONAL CHARACTER BUT LIKE— OW
Anyway sorry again, have a nice day I wish positivity upon you, and I’m probably gonna go home and draw hank when I’m off of work.
Okay, so, I feel this so intensely, because it is absolutely a trend that I've seen in the X-Men fandom, over and over and over again, and the sheer lack of trying to hide it just - galls me.
Like, with that headcanon post, it's not even that they don't think about Hank. Guess what? I don't care if people don't think about Hank. I think they're missing out, sure, but so what? Everyone in a fandom thinks everyone else is missing out on something, because everyone has a favourite that they like in a different way to everyone else.
It's the fact that they want to look like they're including him, and yet they can't be bothered to spending three seconds just - thinking, about something, even if it doesn't pass muster!
Like, 90% of these headcanon posts are completely garbage if you know these characters, they're mass produced fandom slop designed to slot these characters into pre-existing archetypes for better mass consumption, but you can really tell who they at least tried to cram into one of those archetypes? Hank, though? Ehhhhhhhhh.
But I have a special bone to pick here, that is intensely related to this point, and I'm gonna share it with you.
Let me introduce you to the O5xmen sub-Reddit.
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I got invited to this place . . . oh, I don't know, probably about a month or two ago? I took a quick look around. It's fine. It's niche, but whatever, I run a Beast RP blog, who am I to judge for niche?
And then I noticed it, as I looked back through their history - which didn't take long, it's not been around for very long.
This was the second post in their sub-Reddit.
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I will give you a hint, and tell you that no-one said Hank.
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Oh, someone just came out and said it, that's nice.
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You ready, kids?
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So, uhh. Hank and Peter actually have the closest relationship of any of these people. They've worked together multiple times. Hank has come through in a pinch for Peter a ton of times.
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It's almost like Hank is one of the most well connected X-Men characters because he's spent time on other teams, fostered other relationships and friendships, and broadened his horizons, and that has a tangible impact on things.
But whatever. They'd be 'science bros.' A nebulous fandom term for 'these two characters are nerdy and I don't want to spend any time examining that, so let's just sweep that under the rug!'
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OP, you can just say you don't give a fuck about Hank, it's incredibly clear that no-one on this sub-Reddit does.
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I just gave you four. Think harder.
And it's just that, ad nauseam.
Like, guys. Just admit you don't give a fuck! Stop pretending! Stop acting! 90% of people on Reddit read these threads on the toilet or during their commute, the 10% that actually does more than upvote or downvote are the real devotees of whatever the sub-Reddit in question is - and that 10% also cannot pretend to care!
And it's like . . . the natural retort is, okay, well, if it bugs you so much, why don't you do something about it?
The answer being that I do? That's what this blog is about? That's what my Reddit account is about, even? Look at my post history.
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I am the number one Beast discourse generator on Reddit. Because there isn't a number two. I can only be active on so many sub-Reddits. Eventually, I get tired of having to be Hank's champion everywhere because people refuse to pick up a fucking book and read it properly - and, to go back to that O5Xmen sub-Reddit?
Why would I join it? It's full of people whose only conception of Hank is as a war criminal, or as 'the other one.' I can only fight so many uphill battles because people are bone-headed idiots. I refuse to be that one Beast guy you invite into your O5 discussion so I can elevate conversations about your fave while you in turn look at Beast and then swipe left. That isn't my cross to bear.
That's one of those things I like about Tumblr. I get to curate my friend circle a lot more aggressively, and I can just shut out anyone I don't want to interact with. The people I follow and am followed by here, the people I talk with on Discord, they're the people I know I can trust because I know that they're genuine. That's you guys. That's all of you. If you're reading this, that's you. You can read this because I can trust you and I know you're here out of a genuine interest.
But these other people? Pffft. Just say you don't like Hank and move on. Don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining - and for the love of god, have some fucking fandom etiquette, and don't post in Hank's tag for the express purpose of saying he sucks, because that just makes you look like a fucking cretin.
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. . . Anyway, thanks for letting me vent, goat. :P
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bandnerdlevel43 ¡ 6 months ago
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Day Three- Reunion (Modern)
Lu Legend x Ravio (Ravioli) 
Summary: Ravio has been off on a business trip with Hilda for a month now, and Legend has been getting lonely. Now he's coming back- right on the day of the chain’s jazz band performance.
Word Count: 6,911 (This is a long one)
Warnings: If you read my first fic, you know I don’t swear but it’s there for the vibe; Legend has anxiety, Legend has a flashback in a flashback involving non graphic stab wounds and a reference to his dead uncle, improper use of a trumpet spit valve, Fable is a menace, Four has to deal with her, author has several agendas and she is pushing ALL of them today, fluff at the end, super über long fic
A/N (Please read this, it's important): I'm back! I procrastinated this one for way too long, but I finally finished it! I somehow also managed to finish day four and five before this one, so those will also be posted with this. Go check them out here and here!
…Anyways, it's time for me to come clean. I'm a band kid. And a proud one, too. I saw this post and went absolutely nuts, so of course I had to write about a jazz band au. Give the post some love (since op is inactive) because most of it was the basis for this au.
Important part: The last song they play in this fic is “Want You Gone” by the 8-Bit Big Band, feat. Benny Benack III, and I suggest you listen to it! The lyrics are hilarious but if you don’t listen to it before the fic itself you’ll get lost very easily. If you see any music words you’re unfamiliar with, either throw me an ask or you can look it up on your browser. Sorry for the long note; I hope you enjoy!
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Good news: We’re on our way back! We’ll be home by the twenty-third.
We have a performance that day.
I won’t see you.
I can drop in. Don’t worry! We’ll make it, I promise.
Alright. Love you.
I love you too, Link.
“Texting your boyfriend?” Fable chirped.
Legend jumped, shielding his phone and glaring at his sister. “None of your business,” he spat.
Fable grinned, toying with the reed in her fingers. “You sure you don’t have that message memorized?”
“Shut up,” he hissed.
Wind blew into his trombone, imitating a wolf-whistle while wiggling his eyebrows. Legend snorted. “Real mature, Sailor.”
Sky paused the plucking of his bass’s strings, his eyes flicking from his tuner to Legend as his brows furrowed. “Isn’t he coming back today?”
“Yep,” Fable trilled gleefully. “And Legend is beside himself with lovesickness!”
“Fable!” Legend growled. Great goddesses, could she be any more insufferable?
Well, apparently she could. “His lonely heart, separated from his lover for what seemed like years,” she sighed, swooning dramatically. “Tonight they'll reunite in a passionate embrace, proclaiming their love to-”
Twilight appeared from behind her and swatted her upside the head. “Leave ‘im alone,” he chided. While Fable scampered away, giggling, he tossed a tiny bottle to Wind, who snatched it out of the air. “Slide grease.”
“Thanks, Rancher.” Wind saluted. 
“Anything you two need?” Twilight asked, looking at Sky and Legend. Both shook their heads. 
“Hey, Twilight!” Four sauntered up to the small gathering, tenor sax slung over his shoulder by the strap. “We need cork grease over here.” He blinked at Legend and pointed out needlessly, “Your face is red. You okay?”
Legend didn't think his face could heat any further. He was wrong. “I'm fine,” he muttered.
“He's just madly in love,” Wind said mischievously. Both Fable and Sky snickered. He glared at them, Sky in particular. I thought better of you, bird boy.
Four's lips twitched upwards in a smirk. “Ah. This is about Ravio.”
Legend dropped his head into his hands with a groan. Fable, for some bizarre reason that Legend couldn't place, thought this was hilarious, and cackled.
“Reign it in, loverboy.” Four leaned against the wall. “You still need to warm up, and no one likes to hold a cold hand.”
Legend kicked at his knee. “Watch it,” he threatened, “Or I'll make your lifespan as short as you are.”
A chorus of “oohs” sounded around the room. Four chuckled, patting him on the shoulder. “Cheer up. You'll get your kisses soon.”
Fable howled hysterically, slapping her thigh. Legend could feel how red his face was as Four ran through the smuggest scale he had ever heard. It wasn't even that witty, but Wind was still squeaking like a chipmunk, and of course Sky snorted. Twilight at least was trying his hardest to appear indifferent, but Legend knew how hard it was to keep one's composure when Fable leans on you for support while wheezing directly in your ear.
“Ledge!” Wars hollered from backstage. “Get your sorry backside over here; I want to run through this song with you.”
Legend aimed one last petty kick at Four before standing. He hefted his case and stomped off, pointedly ignoring the way Fable pretended to faint into a scandalized Twilight's arms, crying, “Save me, Mister Hero!”
That shook him more than he'd have liked to admit. He bit his tongue to keep from throttling Fable for making fun of Ravio. Well, even if she hadn't mocked him, he still would've done it. And she still would've deserved it.
Wars watched him approach, his expression neutral. Legend thrust open his case aggressively and jammed the various pieces together. His jaw was tense and he avoided Wars’ gaze.
“Careful,” his brother commented. “You'll scratch her.”
Legend exhaled a controlled breath and quelled the ache in his gut that shouldn't exist in the first place. He suffocated it with thoughts of flats and sharps, of staccatos and tenudos, of the cool metal on his lips and fingertips, and of the notes both painted on the page and burned into his very soul. It was a familiar ritual that helped ease a bit of himself into the music, breathing color into the diverse melodies, rhythms, and even his brothers. It never failed, even when Fable did it with him.
Until today.
Somehow, his thoughts still circled back to his blasted boyfriend. His cheery grin had that same brightness as the sheen on his trumpet. His eyes danced with the same mischief that Sky eased from his bass. His arms would envelop him, soothing in a way that reminded him of playing with his brothers and sister. His tears spoke the same words as an instrument in need of care: always frustrated with himself and never anyone else. His hands- they shook before adversity. Just how Legend's own trembled right then, his mind's eye suddenly brimming with images of hundreds of people, Ravio in the midst of them, staring unsympathetically as his fingers stuttered. 
Legend cursed, his hands dropping to his sides. He flattened himself against the wall, sinking to the floor. Hylia, he could already tell he was going to mess up badly.  He had practiced these songs with the others for weeks, and it was about to mean nothing. To make matters worse, he had a solo. Not any old solo, either, but an improvised solo. Improvising solos was nothing new to him. This stabbing pain was new. It twisted at his heart like a common school bully to a poor victim's shirt. Loneliness (And yes, Farore strike him down, but Fable was right. He was lonely.) had him at its mercy. And now, Ravio was so close. Legend was going to fumble the solo in front of him, and that fear alone blurred his thoughts until he couldn't discern one tangled bundle of nerves from another.
Wars sat down next to him. He laid a hand on Legend's shoulder and asked softly, “Do you want to talk about it?”
Legend shook his head hopelessly. There was nothing he could say that Fable hadn't said already. Besides, with how Wars fixed him with those knowing eyes, he understood better than Legend himself did.
“Breathe with me, alright?” Wars let go of his shoulder, hand gesturing to his chest. Legend didn't have much pride to lose, so he complied. When Wars' chest rose, he breathed in. When it sank, he breathed out. In, two, three, four. Hold… Out, two, three, four. It didn't take much time before Legend grew irritated, thinking that this was taking too long. His time would be better spent practicing! He should be tuning, warming up, looking over his music again, anything! Not some barely effective breathing exercise that his brother only did when Wind was having stage fright, or when Sky struggled through an asthma attack. Or when Wild had a particularly bad flashback. Or when Rulie awoke, screaming, from a nightmare. Did… Did he really look that bad? That distressed?
Wars lifted his trumpet to his lips. “Tune me.”
With that, the sound of the instrument filled the room. Wild’s snare hidden in the corner rattled in complaint. He forced himself to block it out and focus on the note as it wavered in his ears, settling on something just a little off. “Pull it out,” Legend said, nodding to the tuning slide.
Wars adjusted the slide, and the pitch dropped. Well, now it's flat, Legend thought irritably. He pointed upwards. This time, Wars shifted the position of his lips on the mouthpiece, which finally sharpened the tone enough to satisfy the two of them.
“Keep playing.” Legend lifted his own trumpet to his face. He played the same note until they matched, then tested a handful of notes that harmonized with his brother's. There was not a single sign of dissention between the two. What he would give to simplify his emotions like that. 
“Ready?” asked the man beside him. 
“As I'll ever be,” Legend mumbled.
Wars patted him on the back and helped him up. “Remember, it's just like any other performance,” he assured him. “Just keep playing, and you'll do great “
“Thanks,” Legend grunted. 
“Don't worry about it.” Wars smiled. “Let's run through the program. Start on my mark: one, two, ready…”
Wild, Flora, Time and Hyrule returned with dinner. Those who remained behind joined them to eat. The meal was quick, consisting of a tray of sandwiches and a bowl of salad. Legend didn't feel like eating. Everyone, including him, was eager to get back to practice, now as a full band, and they wasted no time in getting to it.
Rehearsal flew by uncomfortably fast. Everything went smoothly, if by smoothly, one meant “absolute disaster”. Oh, everyone else was fine. Legend made too many mistakes. This only gave Fable and Wind more ammo to torment him with, and only after a harsh reprimand from Wars did they stop. He wanted to feel grateful for his intervention, but the seed had already been planted. Now it was performance time, and he couldn't help the sudden panic that attacked him. He hyperventilated. His hands were clammy and they shook uncontrollably. Only Hyrule's calm comfort prevented him from losing control.
“Shhh,” Rulie whispered, rubbing his hands gently. “It'll be okay, Legend, I promise.”
“I can't do it,” he gasped, feeling lightheaded. “I can't go out there.”
“Yes, you can,” Rulie told him forcefully. “You're going out on that stage and you're going to sound amazing.”
“I'm going to mess up,” Legend said, his voice wobbling. “I'm going to ruin the whole performance in front of him-”
“No, you won't,” he interrupted. “And even if you did, his opinion of you won't change. Ravio loves you no matter what.”
Legend didn't respond. Rulie squeezed him in a quick hug and guided him to where the rest of the band waited. “Breathe,” he reminded him.
Time nodded at the two of them. He handed Rulie his bass guitar, who accepted it graciously. “Are you two boys ready?”
“Yup,” Rulie responded confidently.
Wild bared his teeth in a grin, twirling a drumstick in his fingers. “Let's light ‘em up, boys.”
Fable and Wind both whooped, each bodychecking Four. Legend swallowed hard.
With that, they walked onto the stage. Applause immediately assaulted his ears, causing him to wince. He squinted into the spotlights, their dazzling beams glaring daggers into his eyes.  He searched the crowd anxiously, his heart thumping when he couldn't find Ravio. He wanted to slap himself for that. His head yelled at him to just focus. 
Instinctively, he glanced at Rulie. The freckle-dotted face smiled encouragingly, mouthing, “You got this!”
He had to admit, that lifted his spirits, just a little. He took his place at his designated music stand and stared it down, scowling at each note.
“You better not ruin this,” Legend whispered menacingly.
Wars, who had just joined him at the stand, shot him a funny look. “What?”
“Not you,” Legend muttered.
Time stepped up to the microphone. He started his usual introduction, and the crowd quieted to hear his words. Legend hardly listened. His mind was on his sweaty palms. He wiped them on his pants with a soft curse. Did his own body think wringing itself dry of any liquid was going to help him? Brushing his hair out of his eyes also resulted in damp droplets on his fingertips.
“Ledge,” Wars said in a hushed tone, “stop chewing your lip.”
Legend wanted to punch him. He was only trying to help, though, which of course made him want to punch him more. Still, he restrained himself, both from hitting Wars and from giving into his anxious habits.
Cheering announced the end of Time's speech. The old man dipped his head and swept his arm, gesturing at Wild. Wild smiled broadly, raised his drumsticks, and hollered with his typical unhinged energy the usual countdown: “ONE, TWO! ONE, TWO, READY, GO!”
A snap of wood on snare and a plethora of clicks on the hi-hat cracked through the air. Sky plucked an upbeat rhythm on his bass. Hyrule and Wind joined next, hopping from high to low, up and down, badum, badum. Fable’s entrance infused the band with her bright, energetic spirit. She swung and leaped from note to note while the bass drum thrummed in Legend's chest. Fable climbed a scale and Four came in to support her. She hit the top, held it, and cued the rest of the band. Legend was unwillingly swept away by the current of music that was too fast, too quick.
And, of course, thoughts of Ravio came unbidden into his head.
“Do you remember when we first met?” Ravio murmured. “That day in the alley…”
Legend snorted. How could he forget? “Of course I remember.”
He let himself be twirled beneath his partner's arm before once again taking the lead. The two swayed in time with the music amidst the crowd of people, their movements not quite in sync compared to the others. Frankly, he was surprised how natural Ravio made it seem, considering how stiff Legend was. They'd made progress since their first time dancing, and although Legend kept tripping over himself in self-consciousness, they were doing fairly well. 
“All those cultists. You took them out so quickly!” Ravio chuckled. “I wasn't sure if I should've been more scared of you than them.”
“I was sloppy,” Legend muttered. “Too preoccupied with finally looking like the ‘good guy'.”
“Link, I thought I was going to die,” Ravio said seriously. “You were my practical knight in shining armor!”
“A lot of good that did me,” Legend grumbled.
“Hey!” Ravio laughed. “I'm not that bad, am I?”
“I-I didn't mean you,” he said awkwardly. 
“Oh.” Ravio deflated, hesitating. “...Yuga?”
Yuga. Yuga with a knife in his back, pinning him to the wall and tugging at his hair so his ear was to his mouth. He whispered threats while Link strained to breathe through the agony.
“You're not making it out of here alive, little hero,” he hissed. “Say hello to your uncle for me.”
Legend kicked and screamed against the memories. They were choking him, like Yuga all those years ago. The result? He only managed to squeeze out a pathetic handful of right notes. He hid behind Wars’ far more confident sound. Wars sensed what was wrong and covered for his sudden inability to read music.
The only note he really hit right was the last one. No style or soul went into it. He was having enough trouble staying within the key signature.
The audience applauded. Time acknowledged them with a hand.
Legend tugged at his suit. Had it always been this hot? He was overheating. And lightheaded. Was that normal?
“Ledge,” Wars hissed, shoving something cold into his hands. Legend blinked, dazed, at the object- a water bottle. “Water. Drink.”
He didn't have much else to do, so he obeyed. The freezing water was like ice down his throat, shocking him back to reality. He shook away the dizziness and drank more. It burned but was real.
“Breathe,” Wars reminded him for what must've been the fiftieth time that night. “Just hold on. Only two songs. You can do this. Just breathe.”
Why was everyone telling him to breathe? “I have to breathe to play my instrument,” he snarked. 
Wars raised an eyebrow and smiled. “Just like that.”
Before he could come up with a snappy retort, his eyes caught Fable slipping past. She avoided his eyes. Wild handed her his drumsticks and she sat at the drumset. Wild stood by the marimba, casually twirling the mallets in his fingers while Four set aside his tenor for a bari.
Legend paled. Oh. This one, he had forgotten.
This song relied heavily on trumpet to start the band. Fable had no sax to carry the melody.
“Relax,” Wars said sternly. “I'll be here, playing with you.”
Legend pursed his lips and shoved the water bottle back into his brother's hands.
Time finished stalling. It took Legend a moment to realize that Time was not, in fact, waiting for him. He watched for Wild’s, Fable's and Four's signals that they were ready. There was no screaming countdown to start them off this time.
Legend was alone.
He regretted giving Wars his water back. His mouth was dry again. He couldn't seem to swallow. He tried asking for it but the words died on his tongue.
All he had to do was put his lips to the mouthpiece and blow. Din! It shouldn't be this hard!
Twilight waited for him. He was relying on him to cue his part.
Rulie waited for him. His note was essential to harmonize with his counter melody.
Wars waited for him. He only expected him to endure through what little they had left.
“Fight it,” Wars murmured. “Don't let the fear win. You hear me, Link? Fight back.”
“Link? Link, fight it. Wake up!”
Legend gasped for air, greeted by the sight of Ravio's worried eyes fixed on his. Hands were cupping his face, steady and sure. Legend grasped their wrists by instinct, breathing heavily.
“Link, are you alright?” Ravio repeated anxiously. “Can you hear me?”
Legend's eyes darted across the crowded room with the urgency of a frightened prey animal, but when his eyes locked with Ravio's again, his heartbeat slowed. He nodded.
“Do you need some fresh air?” asked the Lolian.
“I- No, I'll be fine,” he said shakily. “Just a flashback.”
“Are you sure? Because we can leave if-”
“No, it's over,” Legend interrupted. “We're not leaving unless you want to.” He inhaled deeply, ignoring his trembling hands.
Suddenly, Ravio's arms were wrapped around him. Legend's breath hitched, his internal screams needlessly reminding him that they were in public!
Legend laughed nervously. “Is there, uh… a specific reason why we're so sentimental all of a sudden?” he coughed awkwardly.
Ravio didn't respond, at first. He buried his face in Legend's shoulder and hummed, “I'm just glad you're here.”
Oh. Well, that was no reason for his face to get so red, was it? So why was his heart beating so quickly? And why did he feel so unreasonably giddy?
Ravio gave him another squeeze before pulling away and continuing the dance. Legend somehow managed to stumble even more than before, but Ravio's bright laugh lightened his mood every time. He supposed this whole dancing thing wasn't too bad.
He was happy to be with Ravio, too.
“Fight it…”
Legend clenched and unclenched his hands. He placed his fingers on the buttons and lips to the mouthpiece. He took one shuddering breath, pouring all he had into his trumpet- all his terror and loneliness and inadequacy. 
What rang out over the stage was a soft, mellow E flat. A single-toned lament. It resonated within his bell before slipping away, eluding his grasp like a hushed whisper of wind.
I miss you, Rav.
It was only when he released the note that he realized that no one else came in. His gaze flitted to Wars. The zeal he found startled him.
“Yes!” Wars’ eyes shimmered with enthusiasm and pride. “Again- C'mon, Legend, you can do it!”
Legend didn't give himself time to think. He hurled himself down the metaphorical leap of faith and howled into the trumpet. 
His brothers answered his call. 
Twilight hummed back, achingly familiar in its mournful cry. Hyrule took on the same tone, grasping it effortlessly but gently, like one would handle an injured animal. Wind's response was frustrated, like him. It was as much of a duet of music as it was a duet of feeling.
Legend released the note, and breathed. He sunk into the hopeful interlude led by Wild and Four. It felt much more real than himself. The sound wound its way into his ears and eased out a puff of air he hadn't realized he had been holding. 
It was startling, realizing that they were all mimicking what he had put into that note. Could it be that he was that obvious that he was pining? Four was the one who had made fun of him earlier. Yet here he was, weaving soft arpeggios of warmth and comfort. What was going on?
Wars poked him, jarring him from his reverie. “The Sailor’s trying to talk to you.”
Legend raised his eyebrows and shot a flat look the trombonist’s way. Really? the look said. In the middle of a performance?
There was a mischievous glint in Wind's eyes. “Solo battle?” he signed.
Legend almost laughed. Keyword: almost. “You mean a call-and-response duet?” he signed back.
“Whatever.” Wind rolled his eyes. “Are you in or not?”
Legend's eyebrows probably joined with his hairline then. “Isn't that in, like, three measures? Are you stupid?”
Wind flipped him off and stuck out his tongue. 
Oh, this twerp was going down. 
Fable jumped into action. Suddenly, the beat was moving at a relentless pace. The marimba perfectly channeled the devious smirk Wind carried. Legend found himself relishing the music again, tapping his foot along with Four's raw power. He bobbed his head in time with the vibrations he felt in his feet, most of which blasted from Time's guitar. He tossed the theme to Wars, who passed it to Four, who handed it to Wind, who promptly threw it to the floor and ground it into dust, laughing exhiliratedly. Normally, the rest of the band had to reel the dynamic in so the soloist could be heard, but most soloists weren't attention hogs like Wind. He would be heard, whether the audience liked it or not.
The Sailor moved with his solo. He tilted left and right, he stuck his slide into the air, and he bounced with each boom of the bass drum. Frankly, the drama of it all was rather obnoxious. It only charged Legend's eagerness to challenge him. There may be no winner in a solo battle, but he was determined to thoroughly beat Wind's ego into the dirt.
Legend waited for the perfect moment. He lifted his trumpet. He eyed the smug sailor out of the corner of his vision, a hint of warning in his posture. Secretly, though, he was excited to see the looks on the band's faces when he came in.
Now!
A visceral growl emitted from his instrument. Wind's head whipped around to face Legend, looking mildly offended. He barely restrained himself from snickering as the boy put a hand on his hip with an expression that looked hilariously reminiscent of Tetra's own pout.
As for the rest of the band… they were surprised, to say the least. Flabbergasted, as Ravio might've put it. Wind was given a fixed number of measures for his solos, and Legend cutting him off most definitely shook them. Four, the ever-reliable musician he was, was the first to regain his senses and improvise a good “backing track” for the others. Wars was ecstatic, and only Legend's lingering self-consciousness kept him from turning around and blasting in his ear. 
“I was just about- You interrupted me!” Wind pretended to look outraged, but frankly, he looked more like an indignant gerbil than anything else.
Legend shrugged. Wind puffed out his cheeks. It only encouraged the rodent illusion, which just added to the growing list of infinitely hilarious things that shouldn't be funny; what was he thinking? Goddesses, what was he doing? He shouldn't be stealing Wind's solo, he was going to make it worse, he was going to ruin it for the kid-
He stumbled. 
His blood had never drained so quickly from his face before. He scrambled to find a note that sounded right. Nothing sounded right! Why couldn't he do anything right? Why-
…Wind was covering for him. He covered up his mistakes by one-upping him, because that's how their solo battles went. Constantly improving on the last turn. Disguising his slip-ups by being better than him, all while pretending that was the plan all along.
Wars leaned over. He chuckled in amusement. “Are you going to just take that, Ledge? Gonna let him win?”
Legend snorted. “You wish this was your solo, pretty boy.”
He let the sailor have his little moment. Let him have his sly smirk and the roaring crowd, because while he practically owed the kid his kidney for saving him like that, it didn't mean he got to keep the spotlight. Even if it meant he had to strangle the butterflies in his stomach to keep them quiet, he would play.
Legend drew in a breath and blasted out the next note. Wind scoffed out a single “Dude!” but Legend overpowered that as well. He pouted again, and, to Legend's surprise, tried to play over him. Though, not really- he was harmonizing with him, forcing the dynamic up or down, and mixing his own energy in, one that Legend could not hope to synthesize. Not that he wanted to. It was a brattish energy, anyway. 
Four was getting louder. He was adding tension, and sending a message to the two of them: their time was coming to a close.
Wind heard it, loud and clear. He pushed against Legend’s melody. Part of him screamed at him to let him have control, to give him the finale, but his pride refused. He stood like a wall before Wind’s grabs at the spotlight. He had glissandos, grace notes, and pitch bends, but so did any half-decent trombone player. Not only could Legend do the same, he also knew exactly how to prod him where it hurt.
Let’s see how high you can go, sailor.
He blocked out the smithy’s warnings and began baiting Wind into a climb. He fell for it, hook line and sinker. B flat? Easy! C sharp? What a joke! He didn’t suspect a thing.
It was when they started to reach the higher portions of the scale that Legend detected some strain in Wind’s tone. He pushed higher. E. Running out of time, said Four. F, A flat. Wind didn’t follow. With a soaring sense of exhilaration, Legend landed the final high B flat. It was an easy victory, but a victory nonetheless.
At least, it was, until Wind hit an entire note higher.
Legend gawked at the cackling sailor. It was too late to make a comeback, the rest of the band had already moved on. Legend rolled his eyes. Just like him to get the last word. He had to laugh, though. Wind looked so proud of himself.
“Bet you aren’t thinking about your boyfriend now, huh?” he gloated.
Legend blinked. Had- Had that all been some grand scheme to get his confidence back? That rat! “I’ll think about wringing your neck!” he retorted angrily.
Unfortunately, he was right. Legend hardly felt any anxiety. Mental note: strangle him when we finish here.
It didn’t take long before the song was over and Wind was bowing theatrically. Legend was out of breath, dehydrated, and on the border of passing out, but he loved it. He felt alive again. He accepted Wars’ water bottle again. He practically emptied it, for how parched his lips were.
“Chapstick?” Wars offered, holding out a stick of his favorite brand.
Legend wrinkled his nose at it. “I’m not touching anything that has been anywhere near your lips.”
“What, like my water bottle?” Wars challenged lightly, waving the chapstick in his face.
“Fine. Gimme that,” he muttered, snatching the small tube from his brother’s fingers. He applied it as quickly as possible before shoving it back in its owner’s hands. He would never admit how useful it was, especially after so long arguing that it was for girls.
He only wished there was such a simple remedy for the ache that was beginning to form around his cheeks. That solo had really taken a toll on his embourchure.
Legend rubbed his face while Four walked by. The smith paused by him, his reddish-brown irises tinged by… guilt? Legend narrowed his eyes.
“That was a good solo back there,” he murmured. “You think you’ll be all right for this one?”
“I’m fine. Why do you care?” Legend responded tightly.
“Hey, look, I’m… I’m sorry. For teasing you.” Four winced. “I should’ve seen how badly it was affecting you. You’ll do great, okay? I mean, if I were Ravio, I’d be impressed regardless, but I know that’s not the reassurance you’re looking for.” 
Legend raised his eyebrows. An apology from the smithy? He knew it was bad, but not that bad.
…No, he shouldn’t make light of it, especially with how seriously Four was taking it. Or how seriously he took it, before the performance. That wasn’t fair.
“It’s not important,” Legend sighed. “I should be the one wishing you good luck. You’re singing.”
“Ha. So I take it we’re even now?” He held out his hand to shake. Legend took it, suppressing a smile.
“Thanks. Now, get lost, Sinatra,” Legend said.
Four chuckled and shook his head. He made his way to the piano just as Time finished up. Fable back on the sax and Wild on the drums, he raised his hand to cue the song.
He dropped it for the last time.
Wild tapped a smooth, bouncy beat on his hi-hat. Fable followed along, surprisingly mild for someone of her disposition. He’d never heard her handle the melody so… gently, before. Usually only Four had that kind of grace with the saxophone. Speaking of Four, the twinkling, playful piano notes complimented that laid-back style very nicely. Legend inserted his cup mute into his bell with a sort of contentment he hadn’t felt since Ravio left.
He had forgotten what it was like to actually enjoy music.
Four’s voice was glad to show him how much he had missed. If Wild and Fable were smooth, the smithy’s voice was like the outside of a fresh apple, ripe and shiny with morning dew. Warm, too, like pie crust.
Legend couldn’t wait to share another apple pie with Ravio.
“Well, here we are again
It’s always such a pleasure…”
Of course, this song wasn’t exactly meant to be cozy and reassuring. Legend was just getting restless.
Wind and Twilight, crescendo with a forte-piano.
An ebb and flow in Fable’s dynamic. Grow, pull back.
Wars counting rests under his breath. Legend felt an itch on the back of his neck. He was impatient, and his constant counting didn’t help.
“Oh, how we laughed and laughed!
Except I wasn't laughing…”
Legend could hear Four's smile. He loved this song. 
Soft falls muted by the cups in their trumpets. Mischievous, like a cat leaping nimbly from one bookshelf to the next. Or like the sailor, sneaking sweets from Legend's stash.
“You want your freedom, take it!
That's what I'm counting on!”
Wind crept into the lead, swaying from one note to the next gracefully. He treated the song like a waltz, but exaggerated comedically in its romance. Ravio swooning dramatically came to mind.
“I used to want you dead, but now I only want you gone!”
The whole band swung into action. Wild slammed on the snares, Fable sang into her sax with a dramatic volume worthy of Wind’s pride while the brass accented the offbeats, finishing with a flourishing trill.
The dynamic dropped. Four retained his eagerness, sounding just as smugly joyful as ever. The sax followed his lead.
“She was a lot like you-”
He chuckled. “Well, maybe not quite as heavy!”
That was Wind's favorite part. It took a considerable amount of effort not to snicker at the combined force of the lyric and the smithy's delivery.
Another band-wide crescendo, led by trumpets. Glittering piano notes followed, dancing daintily in Legend's ears. 
“One day they woke me up
So I could live forever
It's such a shame the same could never happen to you!”
Four's voice swelled brightly, leading the band from a mezzo-piano to a forte. Fable acted like this was her solo, announcing her counter melody to the whole audience. Wild mimicked the accents Wars and Legend made with a crash on the cymbals. He was having just as much fun as Four was. 
“I'll let you get right to it-
Now I only want you gone!”
The rest of the band dropped away, allowing the piano and the drums to lead as Four began his monologue. Legend bit his lip. His solo was just around the corner. He grabbed Wars’ water bottle again and stole a quick sip. 
At Four's “Take it away!”, his brothers took the lead. 
Legend hardly paid attention to the rise in energy. This was it. He promised Ravio a good show. After that trick Wind played on him back in the last song, he intended to follow through. 
Here!
He climbed into his solo. He imitated Four's languid ease with Wind's cocky eagerness to show off in the little slurs and tremolos he slipped into the solo. His heart pounded viciously against his chest. He went from note to note with little flourishes that were subtle but painted with just enough color to give it life. Thank Farore for Sky's bass, keeping him in time while his fingers itched to go faster than he had the ability to. But he kept it smooth and lilting as he repeated the melody of the chorus-
And just like that, it was over. His solo, finished. Audience clapping excitedly at the performance. Fable easing the band into a soft dynamic before dropping away completely. Before he knew it, Sky was playing his own solo while Four sang along:
“Goodbye my only friend…
Oh, ha, did you think I meant you?
This song really fit Four, Legend thought vaguely. Quick-witted, mischievous, and laid-back. Maybe  even a little arrogant. 
Had he really just done that? Had he really just pulled off that solo like it was just an everyday warm up scale, after all his anxiety just put him through? He snorted softly with incredulous indignance. 
It shouldn't have been that easy. But it was.
Wild's cue! Legend snapped dizzily back to attention. Neither he nor Wars were coming in any time soon, but he had to be ready. He listened in on Wars’ counting and quickly found his spot in the rest.
“Well, you have been replaced
I don't need anyone now…”
Again, Fable’s time to shine. Crescendo. Getting bigger, louder louder louder, play, support Fable, louder louder, howl out your part until you're faint from using too much air. Legend's lungs felt ready to burst, his lips burned. 
“Go make some new disaster!
That's what I'm countin’ on!”
He could do it. He could reach the end of the song. The light was at the end of the tunnel. The light was in his eyes, he had shifted too far to the left and now a spotlight was beaming directly into them, he kept playing.
“You're someone else's problem; now I only want you gone!”
Keep playing, it's almost done, just two more lines and he could see Ravio-
“Now I only want you gone!”
Ravio, had he seen the solo? Was he even here yet?
“Now I only want you gone!”
Focus, finish off strong.
“Now I only want you gone-!”
Four sustaining the note, steady, swing into the accent, hold hold hold, drop down low-
“I want you gone!”
With that, the band pulled back, Wars finished the song with a flaunting swing and grace note, Wild thumped his bass.
Done. Finished. Over. No more. He finished the song, and he hadn't messed up.
And the crowd went wild. 
Time bowed. He gestured to the soloists- him and Sky and Four. They dipped their heads, Four with significantly less humility. Legend licked his lips as he stared at his feet. He felt like he had just run a marathon.
A poke on his shoulder. Legend straightened his back. He followed Wars' outstretched finger, past Time's hand showing him off as a soloist, and- oh.
There he was. Standing in the middle of the audience, clapping his hands eagerly. His adoptive sister was beside him, but Legend's eyes never left the man for a second.
“Ravio,” he whispered.
He moved without thinking. He pushed his trumpet into his brother's hands. Wars gawked as he leaped off the stage and into the rows of chairs. Heart racing so quickly he feared it might escape, he ran up the aisle. 
There he was. Right there, grinning from ear to ear, calling out his name with a voice too soft to be heard over the crowd. Goddess d— him. That insufferable smile. It had no right to make him feel this way. So unfairly happy.
The rest was a blur. Ravio wrestled his way to the aisle, Legend only increased his breakneck pace; Ravio beamed, laughing his name, and they collided.
Ravio's arms squeezed him tight, twirling him around like the couples in those cheesy romance movies. Even as his feet planted on the ground, Legend didn't want to let go. He wanted to make sure this stupid rabbit never left his sight again.
Ravio pulled away, holding his face with the gentlest hands, grinning through teary eyes. “I take it you missed me, Mister Hero?” he chuckled.
By the Three, now he was crying. “Of course I missed you, you idiot!” he choked out.
“I missed you too,” Ravio breathed. 
He leaned forward and the last bit of Legend's restraint crumbled. His lips crashed against Ravio's before he could draw out the moment any longer, his hand reaching to tangle with his partner's smooth, inky locks. Ravio let out a tiny squeak of surprise before leaning into the kiss.
Legend's lips buzzed; he couldn't tell if the sensation came from his trumpet or Ravio. He couldn't care less. His mind was on Ravio's soft hands, on his tender touch, on the ghost of a smile he could feel through the kiss. 
Legend's heart had climbed up his throat by the time it was over. He noted vaguely that the audience was roaring and clapping, and that Fable's voice boomed over the speakers, hollering, “That's my brother!” Meanwhile, he couldn't decide whether to punch Ravio or let the tears flow. He swallowed hard, his eyes locking on Ravio's rupee-green ones.
“You kiss like you've been playing trumpet for an hour,” he teased.
Legend's face flushed red. “Shut up,” he grumbled.
“Aw, I didn't mean it,” he giggled, squishing him in another hug. “I just missed seeing your grumpy face.”
“You're the worst.”
“Don't get too sappy, you two.” Legend whipped around, greeted by Ravio's boss herself. Hilda, with a cocked eyebrow and folded arms, dressed in a blazer and skirt not unlike Fable's slightly more masculine suit. Her violet-painted lips twitched upwards in amusement. “You'll make the audience gag on their lunches.”
“I think I'm gagging on my lunch,” Legend complained.
Ravio gasped in mock offense, but Hilda shrugged. “Your sister does seem to be enjoying this…”
Legend glanced over at the stage and groaned. Of course she was. Of course she was hopping up and down in ecstasy, shaking poor, helpless Four back and forth while screaming with Wind. Of course she had to rope Sky and Wars into it- and was that Rulie cheering with them? Well, now Legend felt extra betrayed.
Warm fingers lacing with his drew his attention back to his partner. Ravio squeezed his hand and smiled. Legend had to wrestle his own into a disapproving scowl before he could see it.
“What do you say we put your trumpet away and go out for dinner?” he proposed. “That way we could get some time alone to relax and catch up some way other than over text?”
Legend folded his arms. “So, you expect me to forgive you, just like that? After being gone so long?”
Ravio laughed nervously. “If you wouldn't mind?”
“I suppose I can give you another chance,” he muttered. “And I'm paying. Yes, Hilda, I know you paid for everything back there.” He waved dismissively, then eyed Ravio out of the corner of his eye. “I'll let him hold on to his rupees just this once. Now excuse me while I go murder my sister.”
He dipped his head politely to the businesswoman before dashing off to the stage. He leaped up, much to Wind's delight and Time's resigned disappointment, and jabbed a finger at Fable. She squealed and hid behind Four, who sighed and stepped aside. 
“You!” Legend barked. “Get over here before I break your reeds!”
Fable gaped dramatically. “You wouldn't!”
“I will!”
“Whoa there, Ledge,” Wars said lightly. “Save the death threats for when the instruments are away, hm?”
Legend sniffed, swiping his trumpet from his hands and not-so-subtly emptying his spit valve on his foot. Wars yelped and jumped hilariously. “Legend!” he swore. “That's disgusting!”
“I bet it tastes like your lipstick,” he snarked.
Fable snickered. Legend brandished his trumpet threateningly and said, “What, you want some too?”
His sister screeched and ran off backstage. Legend made to pursue her, but Twilight gave him a look. He wrinkled his nose and dusted off his suit. She wasn't worth the trouble, anyway. 
He decided to make his way offstage to delicately take apart his instrument. He had a date to prepare for! Fable could wait.
Besides, he had plenty of time to daydream of revenge on the way out.
Legend grinned devilishly. She won't know what hit her.
He left the building whistling cheerfully.
----
A/N: Thank you for reading, but I do have to add a disclaimer. Please, please, please do not jump off a stage like Legend did. The last time someone did that at my school, they broke their ankle. I repeat, do not jump off a stage. 
Take care, all of you! ❤️
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gamer-comix ¡ 4 months ago
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listen. it's been nearly 10 years. im an adult. i've been an adult for a while. i want to be the adult here. i want to be the bigger person. i also really don't want to, like, start shit, since it doesn't update anymore and OP seems to have dropped off the face of the earth for a couple years at this point?
but im a petty bitch so, fuck it, i'll just give a vague cliff notes version essay lol whoops.
under a cut because this is a comedy blog and not everyone wants to read about my tragic past. so only read this if you want to. seriously. it's only funny in terms of the absolute shameless audacity on display but it's mostly just kind of a huge bummer
to be perfectly clear, this isn't some "someone was mean to me in 6th grade and i'll NEVER forgive her >:(" kinda deal. im not THAT petty. we were both adults when this happened. i think she's, like, three or four years older than me actually? so keep that in mind
[backstory]
so a few months after i started twewy-comix, one of my irl friends (WHO I WILL NOT NAME) made her own blog (WHICH I WILL NOT NAME) based on it, for another series (WHICH I WILL NOT NAME). we were close friends and had drawn comix for this series together before, with me drawing four or five characters for her (important). on top of that she had a "this is based on twewy-comix, im friends with the OP" disclaimer (important) so i was completely fine with it
said series had had a new installment earlier that year (while meanwhile twewy was kinda old and sequelless) so her blog did really well. like, 50-200 or more notes per post well. again, great! love to see my friends succeed. but it got to the point where despite the disclaimer, i was getting people on my comix going "omg is this ___ comix style?!" not great! that part was annoying but It Can't Be Helped so i shrugged it off. all was well.
[/backstory]
so yeah. we kinda started drifting apart (edit: i should mention we'd been friends for at least eight years) but still kept in touch pretty frequently. like, i really want to stress that things were totally fine between us. but one day im trying to send her a meme or some shit and realize she's blocked me, like, everywhere. no explanation, nothing hinting at a reason anywhere, just. huh. i didn't have a phone back then so i had no way of contacting her, and even though we live(d) in a small town i somehow literally never saw her again. to this day i have no fucking clue what happened. did she move? did she die? who knows!
what i do know is she kept running that blog for at least five years afterward. she kept the "im friends with twewy-comix" disclaimer up for a year afterward and continued using the stuff i'd drawn for her right up to the end.
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i know it's just mspaint shitposts and Really Not That Serious. but it's the principle of things, man. she'd drawn characters for twewy-comix too but i at least had the decency to stop using those after this
and not to get personal but that year and the years after (and the years before too honestly) were really, really rough for me. i was pretty much completely isolated both IRL and online. so knowing that while i was going through such a miserable time (partly due to her), she continued to rake in fandom clout using my content is just. jesus. jesus fucking christ, dude. what the fuck?
tl;dr if i ever start making comix for that series again people are gonna be really, really confused
last minute edit: this isn't a callout post. like i said at the start this person isn't active anywhere anymore afaik so let's not make this into A Thing. this is more of a "this happened. is that fucked up or what?" post. im over the ghosting part, and the stuff that happened after is annoying but it's over and done with at this point. if they come back it's fair game though
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thereddestofsons ¡ 1 month ago
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Alright, I'm exhausted but just so you know - first claim is misleading. Actual funding went up for LAFD because of a new union contract. Basically, budget was cut $17 mil, then immediately new contract signed with the union and out of a different (sort of) pot of money came $76 million more dollars. So idk that's like...plus at least $50 million. These criticisms feel very lazy, just screenshots of headlines with absolutely no context, so you should already be going hmmmm, probably this is only meant to reinforce my beliefs without actually adding knowledge. But anyway, yeah, of fucking course it is more complicated than this headline makes it out to be. No shit. God im so tired. I'm not dealing with any of the others, by the way. They aren't wrong, but the reason we ran out of water was because structurally the systems were not meant to be fighting 5 fucking fires and by pulling so much water we tanked the pressure - it's an engineering problem, and for the first day we couldn't use aircraft because of the winds. This is such a lazy post, not explaining that is so lazy and so not cool. The other headlines imply the reason is...pistachios?! I promise you agriculture had nothing to do with the pressure dropping out of the LA hydrant system. I mean, in real life I constantly rant about high water crops in the central valley and that is a huge fucking issue but putting these two headlines together is so fucking misleading. It's actually insulting to the firefighters and citizens of LA. Like no my home didn't almost burn down because of pistachios. Ope, then the service cut thing again. Whatever. Here is the source for the first claim, everyone go fucking google the rest of it and then read the fucking articles instead of just the headlines. God
"In November 2024, the Los Angeles City Council approved a four-year, $203 million contract with the United Firefighters of Los Angeles City, a union representing LAFD personnel, that will increase base wages and improve health benefits, according to multiple news outlets.
On Jan. 9, 2025, Ben Ceja, an assistant city administrative officer, told VERIFY that the city’s General Fund budget for this fiscal year includes an undisclosed amount to cover the potential increases to existing staffing costs in an account outside the fire department's budget.
“These funds will be transferred into the Fire Department budget during the course of the fiscal year,” Ceja said.
According to a memo dated Nov. 4, 2024, the new contract is expected to cost an additional $76 million this fiscal year, which will come from the city’s General Fund.
VERIFY reached out to the Los Angeles mayor’s office for comment but did not receive a response by the time of publication.
The Associated Press contributed to this report. "
https://www.verifythis.com/article/news/verify/money-verify/yes-los-angeles-cut-176-million-from-the-lafd-fire-departments-budget/536-4b902910-08f5-42d5-bc5e-bdfad1cb0560
"Once those two line items were added, the fire department’s operating budget actually grew by more than 7% compared to the prior fiscal year, according to the city’s financial analysts."
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Historic wildfires blaze through LA months after the Democratically-run city cut fire service funds.
News headlines rhetorically ask us to consider what happens when CA inmates - working as firefighters for roughly $6 per day - cannot contain unprecedented fires.
Billionaires drain the already water-starved state of its supply as hydrants dry up when needed most.
This system has to go.
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so get this. I was gonna roll around in Tombstone related fluff today - but no, no - this post came across my dash so Now We Are Gonna Discuss the Carnal Consumption of Meat as it appears on That Show Supernatural.  YEAH BUDDIES!
(also my sincere apologies to OP of the inspiration post who innocently tagged it with “lunch date!”  because I am about to go Elsewhere, cursedly).
Let’s all go meat man, after the cut!
This analysis centers primarily on 5x14 Bloody Valentine.  The title of course is a semi-homage to a 3D Slasher Film Jensen starred in circa 2009. 
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Which I will be renting soon I guess.  ,[<- parasocial panda GET BACK IN YOUR ENCLOSURE]
Also Its Really Fun that the trailer for Said Cinema ends with “nothing says date movie like a 3-D ride to hell” [are you also thinking of Cas pulling Dean out of hell, or are you normal?]  ***unironically the teaser for 5x14 is -
EXT. SIDEWALK - IN FRONT OF ALICE'S APARTMENT BUILDING
RUSSEL 
First date.
They then eat each other.  Literally they eat each others flesh.  They also do it while dirty talking about it.  SPN IS A SHOW 
ALICE Ugh! I've been so alone. So empty...
RUSSEL I know. Me too.
ALICE I want you, Russel---All of you... inside me...
[they both take bites out of each other, Alice chewing on a piece of Russel's flesh]
****Remember this detail, as it is important.
ANYWAY, it’s truly Cursed that not only are we doing an homage to this 3-D Jensen Horror Date Flick but also this episode is specifically centered on Valentine’s Day.  The day honoring romance and love Now Coopted by Hallmark, everyone, that is the day spn writers chose to introduce us to 
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Sir Horseman of THE Biblical Apocalypse Famine. 
Canonically, we are aware that the show is drawing from the book of Revelations in its depiction of the Four Horsemen.  Here’s what it says about Famine -
"When He broke the third seal, I heard the third living creature saying, "Come." I looked, and behold, a black horse; and he who sat on it had a pair of scales in his hand.”
-Revelations 6:5
Famine holds scales (used to weigh out grain in times of food scarcity).  Spn’s depiction is represented as hunger, a bottomless pit of need.  It consumes souls (demon and human alike).  
Cas describes Famine a little more poetically:
CASTIEL 
"And then will come Famine riding on a black steed. He will ride into the land of plenty... "
"... and great will be the Horseman's hunger, for he is hunger. "
"His hunger will seep out and poison the air. "
***Consider a prior season in which we are introduced to the Seven Deadly Sins.  Which are the sins associated with hunger?
Gluttony
and Lust.
***this is also important
Back to the episode.  Case cold open, and we find out that Alice was a Nice Girl.  In that she didnt drink, smoke or
have premarital sex.
***So Alice’s hunger for the sin of Lust caused her to succumb to it; and her demise was presented as Gluttony (literally eating her partner’s flesh). HMM
Famine’s presence is affecting the town, and Cas is not immune.
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DEAN 
And when did you start eating?
CASTIEL 
Exactly. My hunger-- it's a clue, actually.
***They lay it out a little more in case you missed it ->
SAM 
I thought famine meant starvation, like as in, you know, food.
CASTIEL 
Yes. Absolutely. But not just food. I mean, everyone seems to be starving for something--Sex, attention, drugs, love...
***this is so important.  but of course because its spn and our textual narrators are generally unreliable (even in a Ben Edlund episode, yes I know)
we get a red herring
CASTIEL 
Right. The cherub made them crave love, and then Famine came, and made them rabid for it.
***but that’s not accurate.  they didn’t get married or become obsessed with each other (remember the cursed coin in 4x08 Wishful Thinking and the unconditional love wish? not what happened here). they had premarital sex.  they did the thing Alice considers wrong, and dark, and sinful.  and then they ate each others’ flesh.
DEAN 
Okay, but what about you? I mean, since when do angels secretly hunger for White Castle?
CASTIEL 
It's my vessel-- Jimmy. His, uh, appetite for red meat has been touched by Famine's effect
***mad lad Jimmy Novak’s hunger is for...red meat?  He is starving for red meat?  You are telling me that the Novaks, red blooded conservative religious midwestern Novaks, ate RED MEAT SO SPARINGLY that Jimmy Novak was LITERALLY starving for it?!?!  No way.  Absolutely no way.  This is a man who was such a religious zealot he STUCK HIS HAND IN BOILING WATER and accepted an angel of the lord into his own body but his secret hunger was for fucking ground beef?
give me a damn break.
to me this is an absolute coverup.  Because Cas’s burger consumption is not related one iota to his vessel Jimmy Novak.
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it is a representation of Cas falling.  Cas’s cravings for meat represent his growing (and very much prohibited) feelings for...humanity (Dean Winchester), and they are presenting as Gluttony in the form of his downing more and more copious amounts of red meat.  
SERIOUSLY, consider this - at one point the depiction is so desperately carnal that he is eating raw ground beef with his bare hands. It is fucking uncomfortable.  and it is SUPPOSED to be.  Famine stirs up hunger for the prohibited.  For the sinful. That which we are starving for but do not believe we can ever have, so we lust and we lust and we LUST after it, but should we allow ourselves even just a taste of what we have been ravenously craving, we binge it until we ourselves disappear into the oblivion of our own sinful, dark desires.
Since You Want More Examples of why this cant possibly be hunger for Cheeseburgers and Cheeseburgers alone, Consider Famine’s effect on Dean.  Remember his doctor kink?
**when its revealed that Doctor Corman has succumbed to Famine’s poison by drinking himself to death, Dean - very uncharacteristically by the way - reacts by saying out loud
DEAN Thanks. Crap! I really kind of liked this guy.
***please note that Doctor Corman says the following to Dean in the prior scene they have together -
DR. CORMAN [to Dean]
Agent Marley, you just can't stay away.
****was that a flirtation?
***Also, Dean doesn’t want to go out and chase tail for Valentines Day.   
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SAM
I mean, what do you always call it-- Uh, unattached drifter Christmas?
DEAN 
Oh, yeah. Well... be that as it may...I don't know. Guess I'm not feeling it this year.
SAM 
So you're not into bars full of lonely women?
DEAN 
Nah, I guess not. [takes a sip of his beer] Ahh. What?
SAM 
That's when a dog doesn't eat-- That's when you know something's really wrong.
***oh look we are relating things to eating again.  sex/lust to gluttony.  hmmm hmmm hmmm
ANYHOW -  *takes deep breath*
 this is also the Episode Where This Scene Lives
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****JACKTING JOICES
oh and speaking of jacting joices, this is also the Dean Notices Cupids Crotch Episode.
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frAckles, I am once again asking why you only permit celestial beings to hug you from behi-[gunshots]
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but Dean isn’t hungry.  Why? Famine has the explanation, and we get it after Dean immediately runs inside after Cas heads in to complete his portion of their plan barely giving him any time to do so because he misses him that much.
FAMINE 
I disagree. [Famine moves closer to Dean and touches him] Yes. I see. That's one deep, dark nothing you got there, Dean. Can't fill it, can you? Not with food or drink. Not even with sex.
DEAN 
Oh, you're so full of crap.
FAMINE 
Oh, you can smirk and joke and lie to your brother, lie to yourself, but not to me! 
***not Dean making all of those homophobic/homoerotic jokes every time he’s in danger or feeing uncomfortable; not that, that can’t possibly be what Famine is referencing, right?
I can see inside you, Dean. I can see how broken you are, how defeated. 
***not THIS parallel:
AMARA:
You're a mystery. I can see inside your heart. Feel the love you feel, except… It's cloaked in shame
You can't win, and you know it. But you just keep fighting. Just... keep going through the motions. 
***not the motions of performative heterosexuality!!
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***Dean’s not hungry because in his heart he truly believes that he can’t actually have what he hungers for.  That Thing Which This Episode Overtly but Also Very Clearly Made Obvious.  It’s an angel riding shotgun [I did Do That and I am Not Sorry], eating a burger in the front seat of the impala.  But, I’ve deviated from the meat of this essay [gunshots] [this time just for the bad joke].
BONUS
there’s Exists another episode in which a man ravenously consumes red meat; eventually succumbing to eating raw beef with his bare hands in the season prior to this one.  
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Yes Supernatural the Show That Brought Us Not One But Two Scenes of Persons Carnally Consuming Red Meat With Their Bare Hands.  
This episode is a MOTW - the man in question is a rougaru - a monster that starts out as human but due to some specific genetic disorder (hmmm hmmm hmm crack in THE chassis hmmm hmmm) soon begins to be extremely hungry - “for everything, but eventually long pig.” AKA human flesh. 
Wanna know the kicker?  
Episode’s called Metamorphosis.
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(GIF by jackttwist)
I’ll see myself out.
[DOUBLE BONUS for extra credit:
if you really wanna wild out, go watch the scene of Jack the rougaru looking at himself in the mirror in 4x04 - and then meander on over to 7x01 and check out God!stiel looking in the mirror as the leviathans writhe inside him over there. It’s worth the walk.]
***oh and @lilac-void​ im tagging you in this one because in exchange for your KIND creator content nomination I guess I will respond by cursing you with an Honorary tag in this, a Meat Meta.  you’re welcome slash I'm sorry XO [but seriously thank you again for your kindness and appreciation; it really motivated me to sit down and get moving on making more content <3]
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sakuatsu ¡ 5 years ago
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YELL 2 ME ABT SAKUATSU FIC RECS PLS
oh boy. oh boy do i have much to talk about
here’s a list of my sakuatsu must-reads under the cut! complete with links, word count, ratings, and occasional commentary because i’m incapable of shutting up. this isn’t in any particular order either 
(keeping this sfw and organized into canonverse/AUs. a * means i am on my hands and knees begging for you to read this)  
i’ll try to update this somewhat regularly :]
most recently updated august 25, 2020!
canonverse:
*your highs and lows (series) by astroeulogy 
a post-time skip canonverse series born from these two questions:
1. what if sakusa kiyoomi, known too-blunt jerk, is equally straightforward about his soft, tender feelings?
2. what if miya atsumu, resident big fat jerk who doesn't care if his teammates hate him, is too emotionally stunted to notice when his one of his teammates actually likes him?
this is like the sakuatsu series but it’s blasphemous to not recommend. the first fic in the series is all that you were (4.6k, T). mind the ratings on a few of the fics, but my personal favorite is #3: a masterpiece of domesticity called you have tamed me (5.7k, T). these make me ACHE 
*sakuatsu domesticity simulator by pseudoanalytics (T)
a vaguely interactive mixture of fic, art, and html, where you too can experience the inherent romance of a big fat jerk and a too-blunt jerk attempting intimacy
this fic...this fic...op is literally one of my favorite artists of all time but Did You Know that their writing is also off the charts. what a wonderful use of second person and the pacing is so good. too much skill in one person 
*The MSBY Black Jackals Read Thirst Tweets by isaksara (11.4k, M)
Sakusa’s eyes are very dark naturally, sucking in all surrounding rays of light and crushing them in his pupils. For an athlete, he is rather pale. His lips look very pink in comparison. Atsumu is suddenly catastrophically aware that in this instance, ‘accent’ is a euphemism. “Good enough for your Olympic-size ego, Miya?”
(In which Atsumu realizes that he is attracted to Sakusa Kiyoomi in the most inconvenient way possible.)
i think this is the fic that got me into sakuatsu in the first place lol i was looking very specifically for msby socmed fics and now here we are. this fic is unbelievably funny
*liminal spaces by hhatsuna (25.9k, T)
Fuck you, Atsumu thinks, pointing at the pixelated Sakusa in the grainy team photo on his bedside table.
It’s easier than you’d think to ignore loving your teammate.
*Better For Us Both by abrandnewheart (15.7k, M)
Where “You already make me the happiest guy alive, babe," gives way to, “I’ve not been happy for a while now.”
Alternatively known as the ‘mug fic’.
yes this is a breakup fic. yes im going to recommend it anyway. breakup fics usually scare me a lot but this one is too good for me to not say anything about. nuanced and delicious. i look at the mug on my desk and feel pain
dog eat dog eat dog world by perennials (8.4k, T)
You are your first and only line of defense against the universe.
Koi no Yokan; 恋の予感 by ymra (15.3k, unrated)
Wherein Sakusa dreams of his future selves and discovers a little something along the way.
autumn ends, but we remain by wolfsbvne (5.3k, T)
atsumu stares at his ceiling at 2am. he stares until he can make out designs in his popcorn ceiling. a cat there, an onigiri here, and then something that suspiciously looks like a mop of hair, triangle eyebrows, and oh those two bumps are moles right above what atsumu just mapped out as an eye.
(or, atsumu is in kind of in love. sakusa is maybe in like.)
your fingertips, branding irons by Ceryna (5.8k, T)
Between the accidental touches he's reconciled, the deliberate ones he's endured, and, from those he's built years of trust with, obliged– Kiyoomi has never wanted to let someone indulge.
Never, until Atsumu.
take what’s yours and make it mine by claudusdiei (5.9k, T)
atsumu falls in love four times in his life
(or: in which atsumu gets his heart broken twice, has the self-awareness of a sober mule and really likes yellow tulips)
every action has an equal and opposite reaction by akanemnida (10.4k, T)
Miya Atsumu gets a modeling contract with Calvin Klein, which sets Kiyoomi's heart in motion.
(Or: Sakusa Kiyoomi realizes that the rules governing the universe are absolute rubbish at explaining matters of the heart.)
*where i want to be by tookumade (8.8k, G)
In the time they’ve been teammates at the MSBY Black Jackals, Sakusa has never been to Atsumu’s place, and Atsumu has only been to Sakusa’s a few times. There’s an unspoken understanding here: that Atsumu knows him well enough to know that nobody’s house or apartment would ever really meet his ridiculously high standards, and he is most comfortable in the home he’s made for himself.
That, and, Atsumu being over at Sakusa’s means that he has to host him and do the cleaning afterwards, while Atsumu can just flit off back to his own place. So. There’s that.
Tonight. Tonight is not business as usual. Tonight is not familiar.
*san'yō expressway, 6:17 pm by yamabato (8.1k, T)
Atsumu tilts his head to watch a slice of orange light bend over the impassive planes of Sakusa’s face. He is absolutely, ruthlessly beautiful. It makes Atsumu want to punch something—put his foot through the windshield—scream, maybe.
Kiss him again, maybe.
They have 344 kilometers to figure this one out.
parallax error: angle of inclination by min_mintobe (10.8k, T)
But now there's the one person Atsumu'd promised himself never to touch. His eyes leave Atsumu breathless with guilt at seventeen, and he spends the next six years safe in the satisfaction of making things right.
Feelings, of the physical kind, and one kiss.
ft. competitive spirit, childishness, and late night conversations.
Atsumu POV.
four leaf clover by vicari_us (5.9k, T)
Once, Ushijima claimed that they ‘got lucky’. If properly honed, their body types could become near invincible weapons.
However, unlike Ushijima, Kiyoomi’s weapon required a bit more care over the years to reach the condition it had become. He was born iron, not yet forged into steel.
Exploring what it might have taken to turn a genetic mistake into an athletic miracle.
*the 28 postcards you left me by wheelspokes (8.3k, T)
Atsumu takes texting your ex to a new level by sending Sakusa postcards in Animal Crossing instead.
such a unique premise & this is so beautifully structured. stunning flow and who knew animal crossing could convey so much longing...
AUs:
Pas De Deux by hhatsuna (dancer!sakusa au: 19.0k, T)
The mystery athlete gives Kiyoomi a once over in the mirror. “Yer pretty tall,” he observes, and the twang of an accent rasps low in his throat. His brazen eyes drift to Kiyoomi’s legs, and something like exhilaration glints gold in his gaze. “Good quads, too. Ya ever played volleyball?” Ah. So it’s volleyball.
“I’m a dancer. Ballet and contemporary, mostly.”
*my love, take your time by bastigod (archaeologist!sakusa au: 9.0k, T)
There was something sublime about wandering around an empty museum. Nothing could compare to the sound of his shoes clacking against the marble floor, the morning sunlight gently streaming through the lofty windows and the peaceful solitude of ancient stone kings overseeing their silent kingdoms.
A day in the life of Doctor Kiyoomi Sakusa, Archaeologist.
i’ve literally been thinking about this fic every day since it came out. you will not find a story like this anywhere else, i guarantee you. what a clear labor of love this fic is it’s truly something so special 
three roses and a smile by strawberrycitrus (surgeon!sakusa & microbiologist!atsumu au: 19.7k, T)
“I just got this job, I’m not givin’ it up for some moral boost ‘cause I actually need to pay my rent, ya insensitive -” Atsumu waves his hands around, trying and failing to come up with the right word to convey the amount of injustice that this gaunt motherfucker has brought into his relatively simple life thus far.
“If you can’t pay your rent, go get a job at the McDonald’s over by 8th Street,” Sakusa growls, “it’ll pay more than your researcher position.”
If you even attempt assault on a coworker, forget teaching about cells - you’ll fucking be in one, Atsumu.
*Dance of the Parallax by astroeulogy (ogre spirit!sakusa au: 6.7k, T)
For the last twenty years, Atsumu’s done all that he can to break his betrothal to the ogre spirit Sakusa. If he can just make it through one more night, he’ll be free.
honestly, just read everything by astroeulogy. i’m recommending this fic in particular because it has such an ethereal voice to it. magical
across oceans, across centuries by starstrikes (pacific rim au: 20.0k, T)
Six days ago, Osamu died and left Atsumu with this: Atsumu, you have to—
(Namikira rises with the tides and rips Osamu and Vulpis Empress away in one fell swoop. Six days later, Atsumu wakes up alone in a hospital bed and learns how to swim.)
you don’t actually need to know pacrim to appreciate this. a wonderful exploration of grief and recovery. also it’s exactly 20k words which is both satisfying and terrifying 
*Notte Stellata by awkwardedgeworth (ice skating/dancing au: 20.8k, T)
"Your partner doesn't need to hold anyone's hand other than yours," Sakusa's father crouches, "And you can wear gloves."
Sakusa ponders. He hears the other skaters of rink two whiz past as they launch themselves into lifts.
"Alright," He looks up from the ice, not knowing how he'll dedicate the next couple of decades to this sport, this partnership, this boy.
what a stunning fic. a beautiful progression of sakusa & atsumu’s relationship, rife with references to real skating programs, beautifully written and structured. so full of longing i’m in mild physical pain
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tumbwr ¡ 2 years ago
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i initially wanted to put this all in tags but i'm far too interested in this, and wanna document it on my bloggy :) :
im trans/neurodiv, and my body IS me / part of me, other parts of me include my brain / my brain's processes / my being / my consciousness / my me-ness etc, but the Physical space that *i* occupy in this world is Me; I.E. my body. the things i affect are like, 'extensions' so to speak, of me, like my collection of rubik's cubes or my electronics or my guitars.
for me to think otherwise (for me to think that my body "isn't" me / my body is a tool) would mean im severely depersonalizing / dissociating severely; and that's not fun for me ofc.
OOOH hang on, and this'll take a mental-health-talk-tangent: i do say "my brain does this" or "my brain does x" especially when referring to my neurodivergency; because it's not something i like, *consciously* do. when my brain is having those hashtag adhd moments, i say as i did in the beginning of this sentence, 'my brain is having an adhd moment.' whereas like, if i'm typing this up right now i can say "i'm typing this", it'd feel inaccurate to me if i were to say "my body is typing this" -- because like, while techincally correct, it's simply just more accurate to say *I* am doing the typing. my adhd [feels more accurate to say My adhd rather than the adhd that affects my brain or something of the like... hmm] anyway my adhd developed much stronger symptoms post HRT - so it's not like i've known adhd for a long time.
Anxiety, on the other hand, *feels* like apart of me. i don't remember a moment in my life where i wasnt socially anxious. i still get socially anxious especially on my bad days, these days. i just remember being young and nervous or scared. i probably thought it was normal. anxiety's like, a friend who's... anxious.
so when i refer to 'my anxiety' like i did in this sentence just now- it *does* feel (more) like a Part of me, and not like, a mental illness that affects me (like i think of ADHD as a mental illness that has affected me / is affecting me), although this phrase / thinking probably is another valid way of describing my anxiety.
when i think about "my" depression, i think of it similarly to anxiety but it's ugly, and not familiar. not As familiar. i started having depressive symptoms in highschool, so not as long as anxiety, and longer than my adhd. it feels accurate to say "this mental illness *affects* me" rather than "i am depressed", prolly bc of the version of depression i have, and the onset of the illness.
TLDR for these previous four paragraphs: anxiety is like a long time friend, who i've grown accustomed to and like 'would enjoy a personification of it' and also i don't enjoy when i'm anxious. depression feels like a person i've known in my life who can fuck off. adhd feels like a new friend who i could get accustomed to (with meds lol) but it, outside of this like analogy, is soemthing that affects me
maybe the way one relates to their mental illness has something to do with onset or timing of mental illness (ie my anxiety being as far back as i can remember versus depression which developed later versus adhd which developed post initial / testostrogeneic puberty),
another thought is that this makes me think about all the sorts of spiritual / mental exercises (coming from someone who grew up hindu) that sort of illustrate how you canlike, practice putting your awareness or attention on the act of observing the "knower" "knowing" and "known"; the knower being the like, part of you / your Awareness, Knowing being the process of knowing or gathering information, and the Known or that which is observable. [for those who know: ऋषि, ṛṣi // देवता devatā, छ्हान्दस् chhāndas] [correct me on my spelling it's been a while lol]
anyway thanks op for the post, sorry for rambling, this was mostly for me, i admit. cool post
Wait do normal people really see their bodies as part of themselves and who they are and not just something they happen to inhabit and they make the best of it/just accept it/learn to live with it???
Apparently I can only add a poll by editing it in and not by reblogging but here:
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inchandescence ¡ 3 years ago
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To Anon
Question:  Yeolmaes hate baekhyun mostly because his stans are the ones sending most hate to chanyeol and baekhyun never said anything about it, instead he kinda validated their feelings by not showing up to the box premiere, avoiding mentioning him at all costs and straight up saying he doesnt like musical movies Understand that yeolmaes have to deal with hundreds of hate messages written in Korean everyday and they are at a breaking point considering most of them come from bbh’s own fans How is it possible to like chanyeol and baekhyun at the same time in a situation like this? Do you even take chanyeol feelings into consideration? No? Not even once? He has to deal with thousands of nasty comments coming from bbh fanbase while bbh comes on Twitter reminding them how cute they are and how much he loves them If you cbkists choose to ignore this and baekhyun is actually in a relationship with Pcy it just means that you all couldn’t give less of a shit about chanyeol as a person with feelings and are just a bunch of selfish pricks
Answer: Anon...sighs you can't see something from one point of view only really, but it's okay i get you, ok so let us talk about this one by one: 1. You said: Yeolmaes hate baekhyun the most because his stans are the ones sending most hate to chanyeol and baekhyun never say anything about it -When you perceive the assumption that baekhyun stans hate chanyeol the most, did u believe it right or did u question it, like why its baekhyun stans, if its true then since when they started hating chanyeol, and why do they hate chanyeol, does their reason make sense or its just stupid like how other bbhls who hate other exo members too (for example some bbhls hate jd bcs both are main vocalists and they think jd is stealing bh's spot as a vocalist) -But at the same time, we cant find the exact number that would proof that bbhls are the ones who hate chanyeol the most, we only can see what twitter shows us, and it happened to me too that i see bbhls throw hate to chanyeol the most -But at the same time too, I've been seeing yeolmaes who throw hate at baekhyun too since years ago without me knowing the reason why they do that, and I keep questioning it everytime why yeolmaes suddenly started hating baekhyun so bad, when did it start -AND at the same time too, I've been seeing other exo member stans throwing hate to either baekhyun or chanyeol -But my twitter algorithm is the same as you anon, it shows that bbhls hate chanyeol the most and yeolmaes hate baekhyun the most, so I do often make the assumption that bbhls and yeolmaes are always on each other's throat -But yet again, I don't know who started hating the first time, is it bbhls, is it yeolmaes, and why they did that -This knowledge is unknown to me so based on this, to me the most right way is to think that both sides are wrong because hating is always the worse way to deal with things, the fact that we know is chanyeol and baekhyun are good friends they are always there for each other, usually when ppl see im saying this they will say its fake and its fan service, but people can choose to not see what they dont wanna see, so the easiest proofs to prove that chanyeol and baekhyun are good friends is one chanyeol is the only member in exo that baekhyun wished happy birthday on his instagram, two both of them support each other for candy and 1 billion views by coming to the mv bts, three baekhyun and chanyeol go to vocal lessons together, four chanyeol had taken a photo with all of baekhyun's bucheon friends before so in that photo baekhyun, chanyeol, and baekhyun's bucheon friends (istg if people see these as fan service then it doesnt make sense right?)
Before we go to the next thing, I have this assumption that chanyeol and baekhyun are two members that have the highest popularity in sk, either they are the top 3 or top 4, and my reason is bcs everytime there are individual album/photobook covers sold offline, their individual covers sold out the fastest, everytime, even with nature republic stuffs, ok so there's this possibility that we keep seeing yeolmaes and bbhls on each other's throat everytime bcs well both of them are two of the most popular exo members in SK (i mean even in china, chanyeol and baekhyun are the most popular members with sehun, there's data for this)
2. You said: Baekhyun never say anything about this, he kinda "validated their feelings by not showing up to the box premiere and voiding mentioning him at all costs and straight up saying he doesnt like musical movies"
-First of all, let's look at a bigger picture, is there any idol in the k-industry like ANY IDOL that ever said to their fans "guys don't say that to my member" IS THERE. ANY.? what I know is: there is none, none at all zero zip nothing, and if there's at least one or two idols, then its just one or two idols right -And thats it anon, thats just about it, idols dont have the absolute freedom of speech, they never do, and its hurting them all of them, all they can say is: "I love EXO, I miss EXO members the most, EXO is my home" and most solo stans who see that will just say "its bs" yet solo stans are also asking for proofs that the members relationship are fine -None of these kpop idols ever say anything about hate speech from their fans that are thrown to their friends/bandmates, and this kind of thing happens in every fandom anon, not just chanyeol and baekhyun, it's just how korean entertainment industry is, idols never have the ultimate freedom to say or do anything
3. Not showing up to the box premiere, avoiding mentioning him, saying he doesnt like musical movies -That not showing up to the box premiere really changed the way you think huh anon, yeah I think that event also changed many yeolmaes' perspectives sighs okay, not showing up to the box premiere is like a very open information we can easily see it from one tweet that didnt mention baekhyun name during that event -BUT for other cases "avoid mentioning him" and "saying he doesnt like musical movies" is not a very open information, by this i mean u have to read alllll of the things baekhyun say, look at the trans for all of his vlives/shows/etc, read the whole trans for baekhyun's last vlive before he goes to the military, so u or other yeolmaes after that situation are either trying to "search for baekhyun's act or words that deny fans opinion about how they hate each other" bcs u still "have hope in baekhyun" or "search for baekhyun's act or words that support my perspective about how he hates chanyeol and never defend cy from bbhls" -"Validate their feelings" how? once again, it's just what bbhls think, did baekhyun do and say all of that because well "his motive is to support bbhls that hate chanyeol" and who are you, who are we to say that, are we our bias? can we go inside their minds and goes aha! this is why they do this and that! well no. because once again thats the entertainment industry, the chances for idols to "explain" all of the bad situations esp when its about how their fans act, is very veryyy low, or like the chance is even minus
-We are just fans who watch them on cam, without knowing what's on their mind or what is everything they are going through behind the camera, we know nothing, all of our opinions are just perspective that our mind created that turned into assumptions, we could never know the truth because kpop industry prevents their artist from showing the truths that may "hurt" people, who actually deserve to be hurt, but those people are the "money makers" for the company, it's bad it's toxic it's awful that just bcs they have to "maintain the money makers" idols can never get that freedom -Same goes with baekhyun, gdi we dont know him, we really really dont know him, his mind, his motives and reasons for his actions, who are we to judge him and call him selfish? -But what we know is baekhyun helping to defend chanyeol when that fake rumor was spreading by tweeting the mosquito thing, what we know is baekhyun and chanyeol doing their choreo for DFTF together that was practiced since early 2021 until before they enlist, what we know is baekhyun saying chanyeol he's fine when fans asked on japanese fansign, what we know is them still doing vocal lessons together, going to vocal lesson tgt too on march after the box premiere (bcs chanyeol's hair was grey in the vlog) before they enlist, what we know is baekhyun loving and singing "tomorrow" tgt with chanyeol, so what we know is they keep spending time with each other as bandmates and friends 
"do you ever take chanyeol's feeling into consideration, you all couldnt give less of a shit about chanyeol as person with feelings and are just a bunch of selfish pricks" 1. Baekhyun tweeting that mosquito tweet to defend chanyeol -Responses>> People went: oh he's just defending himself, he's being selfish once again, he doesnt care about chanyeol 2. Baekhyun answering fans question about chanyeol's condition -Responses>> No one translated this after few days OP has translated Original post Jan 29: https://twitter.com/tomo_exo/status/1355177834185064451?s=20 First ever translation on FEB 13 (AND FROM A CBKIST): https://twitter.com/NTH_2705/status/1360626904756228096?s=20 Also this cbkist isnt always active translating, I know her, she's not on Twitter as much as other trans account and she doesnt understand japanese, so she actually found the post on weibo and translated it from chinese thats why it was translated 2 weeks after, but before her? does ANY account translate this? well no. 3. Baekhyun and Chanyeol doing choreo in DFTF tgt -No BTS, no anything from SM, people who hate seeing them tgt can ignore easily, chanbaek stans can only watch the part over and over 4. Baekhyun and Chanyeol practicing their hitting the woah part in just usual mv -Again no one commented about this, except chanbaek stans bcs this is easily ignored 5. Lesson With Baekhyun -Responses>> yeolmaes went "chanyeol don't do this, chanyeol im not watching this, chanyeol what are you doing, i want chanyeol only, oh god why is chanyeol with him again, chanyeol is feeding chanbaekist, his fans (bbhls) gonna come at us again, fuck this im not watching" and bbhls went "the translation is wrong look theyre trying to sabotage bbh" and yeolmaes replied with "good for him haha, ya serves him right for being selfish" and also "why is it always chanyeol who does this kind of thing and never baekhyun? oh right because hes selfish hes sm golden boy he never gonna do this bcs his channel is own by SM" "look he promoted kyoongtube even in the nng" "look SM posted kyoongtube but not NNG u can see whos the mistreated one him"
All of those 5 things I mentioned, even tho some are small things....they got mostly negative responses from yeolmaes and bbhls who are not cbkist dont they? The things that prove chanyeol and baekhyun are always there for each other and they are bandmates, true friends, nothing change between them And yet, what did bbhls and yeolmaes do? Throw negative shits and comments to those things, esp Lesson With Baekhyun, and until now still hate Baekhyun... when Lesson With Baekhyun, is a vlog recorded by Chanyeol alone, he taped his phone in the car, he added Candy MV BTS with Baekhyun calling him "chanyeol ah" and baekhyun smiling while holding the food, a vlog where he praised baekhyun's vocals, prepared playlist for him, sing tomorrow together with him, laughing during their vocal lesson, and just...doing things tgt
And yet people still call it a fanservice? feeding chanbaekist? baekhyun is still selfish? when chanyeol worked hard preparing that vlog, providing it for us, baekhyun and chanyeol practicing their part tgt for DFTF, baekhyun tweeting the mosquito tweet
When Chanyeol and Baekhyun have done so many things together, after the fake rumor, after the box premiere, proving they are still good friends... so do you even take chanyeol's feelings into consideration? oh wait not just feelings, his efforts, his time, him uploading to NNG about him hanging out with Baekhyun, have you ever take that to consideration? or just ignore all those facts because "whatever i still hate baekhyun" 
So two options: 1. Hating and keep hating and telling others selfish because yall hate the fact that baekhyun never do this and that, that yall wanted him to do, but actually we don't know the reason why, we just don't know anything at all, accept assumptions that "baekhyun validated fans feeling" and thats according to you, your mind, your perspective, oh wait... it's all about you? 2. Know and accept and support and love, chanyeol and baekhyun's friendship, because thats what we know, thats what themselves say to us, thats what themselves been doing, accepting the fact that "chanyeol and baekhyun are good friends" and know we are not in the position to turn the friendship into bad relationship bcs what? bcs it comes from chanyeol and baekhyun themselves, not yeolmaes, not bbhls, not even exols, and so be a fan that know chanyeol and baekhyun have good relationship, keep reporting bbhls who said bad things about cy and vice versa, bcs what? we never want chanyeol to see that after lesson with baekhyun, apparently his "fans" still think baekhyun, his best friend and bandmate, is still a selfish person who doesnt care about chanyeol, so chanyeol is happy that we know and appreciate his relationship with baekhyun, with exo members because we care about chanyeol's feelings, because we trust his actions, his words, and we love everything he does, and also we love everyone around chanyeol that he loves
So choose... and last thing, are social media and on cam interactions, are enough to "measure" a group of people's relationships, so if your best friend never post any picture of you on their instagram and never tell stories about you to other people who well, actually are also strangers, living thousand miles away from you and your best friend, then it's okay for those strangers to say that your best friend hates you? avoiding to be affiliated with you? a selfish person? Have people ever think that it's tiring that just because you're a celebrity, you have to show everything, including minds, feelings, emotions, actions, personal reasons, to your fans? For them to be validated? And for them to turn into facts? Well, at least for me, the things I don't know then I don't know, I don't have the right to judge, and the things I know, especially positive things, that came from my own idols, that's what I'm holding on, that's what I support. *extra note: exo members always call us as EXO-Ls, not bbhls, not yeolmaes, not anyone, but EXO-Ls, so when they say they love us, "loved ones" are those who say themselves are EXO-Ls, who loves EXO as 9 members, because that's the fact
Have a good day anon, stay safe and healthy, God bless you, spread love and not hate
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withcreamandsugar ¡ 4 years ago
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🌺🌸haseul group project in college au🌸🌺
HI IM NOT DEAD school has been kicking my ass HAHA i promise i’ll try to be more active!! enjoy this lil au i’ve been working on since literally my last post!!
“Alright class, start grouping up for the project presentation next week! Don’t procrastinate, this is worth 30% of your grade!”
You were halfway through processing what the professor had said until you realized the classrooms cliques had already started forming. Those seemingly without a group were you, a couple tongue deep in each other, and a pretty girl writing down notes while humming to herself with an airpod in her ear.
You gulped as you walked over to her, making sure not to trip over the occupied couple next to her.
“Hey, I’m y/n. Sorry to bother you but-“
You got through half your sentence before realizing she was still humming along to the song on her phone.
You tap her shoulder, and in response her eyes shoot open, meet yours and a blush begins to form.
“S-sorry! I didn’t realize you were talking to me. What did you need?”
“Haha, no worries. I just wanted to know if.. you wanted to be in a group for Prof’s project next week?”
“Wait, p-project?? Oh gosh, zoned out once I realized those two lovebirds started to go to town right next to me. I’m Haseul, and they’re my friends, Jiwoo and Sooyoung. Well, you’re welcome to join us, but I hope you don’t mind the distraction, heehee.”
You exchanged details, mentally first pumping at the idea of getting a girl like her’s number, and decided to work on the project during the upcoming weekend.
“WHAT??”
You jumped in your chair at Haseul’s scream, and felt the gaze of the entire library glaring at your table. After a mass of hushes and sighs, you quietly inquired Haseul about what had happened.
“Those two idiots decided to take the weekend off in Busan! IN BUSAN!”
After yet another mass of hushes, you desperately tried to get Haseul to calm down.
“Okay, it’s okay. Uhh, so let’s see... We only have 3 days until the presentation, so if we pull an all nighter we can probably get... 90% of the work done by the end of the weekend.”
You heard her audibly gulp. “Did you say... all nighter?” She looked up at you with puppy dog eyes and a pout, then collapsed face first into the library table.
“I’ll buy us coffees.” She groaned, still face down on the table. “Make that two coffees. And a cookie.” patting her on the head as you headed to the cafe.
“Good thing my head was down,” Haseul thought, as her face had instantly started blushing.
~~two coffees and a cookie later~~
The two of you worked hours on end on the presentation, nitpicking every meticulous detail fueled by the burst of caffeine. You notice Haseul’s tip-taps on her laptop keyboard grow progressively louder, culminating in a frustrated groan/growl.
“Everything alright Haseul?” you asked
“I can’t get this stupid image to compile!” She started smacking the laptop screen between every word - “If only this old jank piece of shi-“
“Hey, hey!” You grasped her smacking arm without thinking and held it for a short moment, leading to both of you awkwardly pulling back and looking away. “I-I think now would be a great time for a break.”
“But if we stop working we won’t be able to finish by Mon-“
“So I’ll keep working. You need to rest. Come over on my side of the bench and take a nap, you can lay on my backpack.”
Haseul let out a long sigh. “That doesn’t sound very comfortable.” Haseul remarked snarkily with a smirk.
“You’d be surprised at how comfortable a Psych 114 textbook is. Great lumbar support,” you jabbed back.
“Har har. I’ll take your word for it.” Haseul sauntered over and took up your offer.
Not even an hour into your work grind you get bored and look over to see Haseul splayed out on the bench, already deep in sleep. You thought this would be a perfect photo op for later, so you sneak over and hover your phone over the sleeping beauty’s not so beautiful drooling face. You snap a few pics, giggling at the idea of showing them to her later.
However, you suddenly lose your grip on the phone and to avoid dropping it on her face, you quickly swipe it away to the side. The jerk in movement causes you to fall out of balance and stumble on top of Haseul on all fours.
The two of you look at each other in utter disbelief, eyes wide open at the situation you find yourselves in. You look at each other for a very long time, the library’s silence deafening more than ever. Your heart races as you question what to do before beginning to push yourself off of her.
All of a sudden, Haseul grabs your arm much like you did hers prior. “Now or never,” the two of you simultaneously thought. You lean in slowly, eyes closed, every second feeling like a millenia. The two of you are hairs apart when you hear,
RIIIING. RIIIING. RIIIING.
Your phone blares, echoing throughout the silent library. You jump up instinctively and rush over to answer, hearing a familiar voice.
“Heeeeeeey good morning y/n!! I hope you and Haseul didn’tmiss us too much, heehee! It turns out, Sooyoung and I missed our train to Busan last night, so we can work on the project after all. See you at the library in 5? Later!!”
Ears ringing you shut the phone, laughing to yourself at the irony of the situation. You remember the situation you were in a minute ago and turn your vision back to Haseul.
Haseul sheepishly looks down, avoiding eye contact. “S-so about the project! I can continue working on-“
Haseul got through half her sentence before you placed a fleeting peck on her lips, leaving her astounded. She covered her face with her hands, her cheeks almost matching her red nail polish. “W-why? Not that I minded or anything!”
“I just thought I needed to get that through before you kill me,” as you showed her your phone screen, slowly swiping through the multitude of her sleeping photos taken at numerous unflattering angles, before starting to run away in fear and/or joy.
“Ya! Delete those!” She ran after you, throwing the contents of your comfy backpack at you as the two of you started a wild goose chase around the empty library. “I can’t believe I ever thought about liking you!”
You thought to yourself mid sprint and out of breath, “I found her.”
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kumoriyami-xiuzhen ¡ 4 years ago
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Yuukoku no Moriarty  Op.2 -A Scandal in the British Empire- 「我こては神 第一章」piano cover w/sheet music
finished making an arrangement for the 22nd song -「我こては神 第一章」  from the 2nd yuumori musical. did this song first since it was the easiest for me to break down the notes for. 
youtube
sheet music is available through the video description and is free to use though i’ll ask that you credit me if you use/modify it... misc notes below if anyone cares to read them lol.
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(im in a complaining mood)
honestly... I despise making piano sheet music (I hate everything about it aside from the finished product... though i don't really have much of a choice aside from making an arrangement myself since there’s no way the official score would ever get released  -.-]). While breaking down the notes of a piece is a normally time-consuming process that I don’t mind doing (however, it does take way less time when the notes repeat like they do in this one), I absolutely hate taking what notes I identify and putting that onto a score because of how much time that takes and how aggravating it can be to line up all the notes properly so that they play at the right beat for the entirety of the original song... which is the main reason why i never have the motivation to make sheet music... and why i usually take weeks to throw something together lol.  
Still, I’m a bit annoyed at how it took me about 35 minutes to identify the notes in this song but most of the last four days to actually make this arrangement, though I will admit that really does help that this piece is meant to be played on piano, which is in contrast to most of the other stuff ive made sheet music for (the main hakumyu song i’m working right now uses drums, an electric guitar and other Japanese traditional instruments which makes making sheet music for a piano exponentially more difficult). 
well, i do plan on making more sheet music from this particular musical in the future because of how much I love the music (also there are a few songs from the first yuumori musical that i would like to make sheet music for [and am in the process of identifying the notes from a number of said songs], but on principle, i don’t post music stuff publicly unless i have the names for the songs I make arrangements for... and i only have the names of the songs that were in the musical’s promo video so meh lol).... but since im not a professional musician (quit after rcm gr 8 because i hated piano then and just did that for the music credit) please excuse any mistakes I might have made (im not great at identifying chords unless they’re octaves or unless its from a piece that has multiple versions of it that ive heard hundreds of times), how i got lazy with pretty much all of the dynamics and articulations, and how the lyrics I put down for this piece might not be completely accurate since I wrote those out based on my interpretation of the vocals in a way that i would have no problems reading them since I am not Japanese and do not formally know Japanese. 
also, none of my stuff is meant to be profited off of. 
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dear-ao3 ¡ 1 year ago
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hi its me again welcome back to the mess that is my silly season post. as a reminder if you never want to see this again block the tag #saph explains silly season 2024
today is february 14, 2024 (happy valentines day mothers and fuckers of the jury) and lets dive in to the most recent batch of car releases
now, to be fair, this is a fairly tame update. nothing earth shattering has happened this week, but tomorrow we have the red bull car reveal. and that is anticipated to be...something. so im splitting this into everything that happened this week and then tomorrow we will get the red bull release and ill do my best to take another stab at explaining the red bull drama.
so so so we have four car releases: aston martin, ferrari, mercedes and mclaren. and well, mclaren already dropped their livery in the middle of January cause cause they're #built different and wanted to cause a social media stir in the middle of their taylor swift reputation esque instagram rebrand, so were mostly going to ignore them here cause we've been seeing that car for literally like a month
(also sorry mclaren but it looks pretty much the same as last years)
as for aston martin. well. its green. its a car. its fairly expected.
and ferrari was red. obviously. theres a fork in the kitchen and the ferrari car is red. but i digress.
ferrari did post some stupidly funny pictures of charles and carlos where they both look objectively miserable though. like. alarmingly so. like people made these memes about it:
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(via the instagrams banter_steiner and msportbanter)
like those photos are on the real ferrari instagram account. which leaves many people to speculate if the car sucks. it might suck. at this point (i think) all of the drivers have driven this years car on a track individually (as in all at different tracks near where they're based, so ferrari was somewhere in italy, mclaren in england etc) so. they could know something we dont.
aside from that the other head turning car news was the mercedes car. she is pretty and she is sexy and she is not all black! you all remember how last update i talked about the fact that mercedes was the one to pilot the all black livery. well. clearly they remain ahead of the trend because they came out with this bad boy:
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she's painted and once again she's ahead of the trend. we love her.
no other driver contracts have been signed as of yet. but we did learn that lewis hamilton had told zhou guanyu before he told the mercedes team that he was moving to ferrari in 2025. and zhou just told no one. cause hes cool like that.
and everyone under the sun still wants the mercedes seat. even esteban ocon. he will probably not get the mercedes seat. there is a rumor going around tho that everyone is basically out of the running except for our good friends kimi antonelli and fernando alonso. t supposedly kimi has plan a and fernando is plan b. but kimi (still being an f2 driver and only having his first year in f2 this year at that) still has to prove himself, which means they wont be announcing if they are signing him until at least june or july (about halfway through the season). though, as of now things are looking pretty good for kimi.
without getting too much into the f2 drama cause thats its own separate bag of cats, they had their pre season testing this week in bahrain. the first day of testing it rained (literally never happens) but kimi finished the testing with the fourth fastest time, 1:53.511s. this is pretty good when you realize that the fastest lap set that day was 1:53.175s (according to motorsport week) also, recall that george russell got his mercedes seat after the insane 2021 qualifying session in belgium, in a massive rainstorm, where he finished second in a shitbox williams. so. things are looking decently good for kimi.
moving on tho to fernando alonso. he had some things to say about the mercedes seat. and by things to say i mean that he had some shade to throw. earlier this week he spoke about the open mercedes seat and had this to say about lewis hamilton's ferrari move:
"It was not his childhood dream 12 months ago or two months ago, I guess, because it was a different dream." which is kind of a wild thing to say, but then again, fernando alonso has been a driver forever, i think hes entitled to a few batshit statements. and he definitely made more than just that one.
as a small refresher, there are currently three world champions on the grid: max verstappen, lewis hamilton and fernando alonso. verstappen and hamilton are both contracted, alonso is the only still available. and he knows that this puts him in a good position (a lot of teams might want him and they'd be willing to pay good money to get him, especially after the commitment to racing they saw in him last year, like when he beat checo by literally .053 seconds for third place in brazil). he said that he is not sure he will want to stay in formula 1 after this year (he has already retired once and expressed minor interest in going to a different league) but if he does he wants to first talk with aston martin about extending his contract there.
he did say though that verstappen and hamilton are "fast world champions, [and] in the past maybe there were some world champions who were not so committed to being fast." first of all Shade and second of all yeah he knows his value in the silly season. if you want to read the rest of his interview its on espn and its actually pretty interesting.
and the last bit we have to unpack before we get to the hot red bull disaster is of course sebastian vettel. you might be asking, who the fuck is sebastian vettel. well allow me to tell you.
sebastian vettel is a four time, consecutive world champion f1 driver (and also the youngest world champion, he won his first when he was 23). he won all of his championships with red bull before leaving the team to sign with ferrari. unfortunately for him that coincided with the rise of mercedes and he never won any championships with ferrari. carlos sainz took his ferrari seat in 2021 and sebastian raced with aston martin for 2 years before retiring in 2022 to spend time with his wife and kids and give younger drivers his seat (this is of course hilarious because he was replaced at aston martin by none other than fernando alonso. who is six years older than Sebastian).
sebastian also is lewis hamiltons emotional support rival, loves bees (and is a supporter of the environment and social justice) and is generally just a silly goofy fun guy.
now. what on earth foes a retired formula 1 driver have to do with silly season?
WELL
basically hes been being a little shit on instagram
and by being a little shit i mean that hes been posting hints at returning to formula 1, or at least to racing.
basically his entire instagram recently (read: for several months) is all old throw back photos of him at red bull with the tag #thereisstillaracetowin. which is. perplexing. because he is not racing.
then there is a video. posted on february 10. of him wearing a red bull jacket and hat with his logo on it. saying "since the beginning of january ive basically been preparing for the new year, for the new season. and i have been in the simulator several times now. and also with the team in england, just to slowly get back into the rhythm."
now yes, this is still one of the throwback posts of his career that they're reposting on his instagram. but it does have very interesting timing. not only are we in the silliest silly season known to man, but also the middle of the red bull drama.
there is also speculation that there german grand prix could be retuning to the calendar. which could connect to vettels supposed and hinted return.
admittedly, its a long shot that hes coming back. but its still interesting timing for sure.
and that of course takes us to red bull. no real news from them other than what we already know. but we do know that horner has:
been told by pretty much everyone under the sun that he should step down
has not stepped down and refuses to admit to any and all allegations
apparently has fallen out of favor with red bull
will be at the car launch tomorrow
so. could be interesting.
stay tuned :)
Sorry i tried to scroll past but, i know nothing about f1 other than max verstappen is fast, my dad doesnt like lewis hamilton, fast car goes in a loop and sometimes expodes. Could you give me a crash course in f1 drama? Im very intrigued. Whats the tea as it were?
a terribly loaded question, but i will do my best. i’ve talked about some of the drama before like the red bull second seat and the chronicles of haas but allow me to briefly try my hand at explaining the nightmare that is the upcoming silly season
under the cut we go
silly season is when the drivers go through contract renewals, extensions and switches. usually it’s confined to the first half of the season (march-july) but it has been known to extend all the way to the last race of the season and they like to switch people around at random sometimes. driver contracts are complex, there’s a lot of money involved and basically You Are The Face Of The Team so if you have a shit season then you make the team look bad. but at the same time you could have a shit season because you have a shit car. it’s sticky stuff.
so. there are only twenty seats in formula 1. 10 teams. each team gets two drivers. (there’s also reserve drivers but we’re not going to get into that). who ends up with a contract is largely up to the teams, they can pull the contract out from under people they can also cut you mid season. they’ve done it before.
of the 20 drivers on the grid, 14 of them have contracts expiring at the end of the year. yes. 14. you see how this could get complicated.
so let’s meet the teams.
red bull racing. they came first this year (and last year) in the championship. like aggressively first. like they won the championship by over 350 points. they are definitely the team to beat. but if you end up with a seat at red bull, you do have to deal with max verstappen being your teammate and he won all but three of the races last year. he’s the golden boy. red bull are also notoriously silly when it comes to contracts and famously swap people mid season who aren’t performing.
mercedes. merc is home to 7 time world champion lewis hamilton and they have won the championship a great many times, though not since 2021. they are kind of in their flop arc and their car the last 2 years has been pretty garbage, but they have still made it work because they were able to come in second last year.
ferrari. god help the poor little meow meows with a ferrari contract. ferrari is a notoriously great team and they’re trying to get back to the top again but their strategy every single time has fallen short. to the point where their drivers are the ones doing the strategy in their cars while driving. they came in third last year and have been decently consistent at getting first in qualifying and then getting beat by max verstappen on race day.
mclaren. they’ve definitely worked their way up over recent years. they ended fourth last year and have had some championship wins before but not nearly as many as say merc and ferrari. their team ceo (owner? director?) is a little interesting and their car started out a pile of flaming hot garbage at the beginning of the year but they did manage to get their shit together.
aston martin. they are owned by canadian billionaire lawrence stroll, father of lance stroll (one of the drivers for the team). they’ve undergone several name changes over the recent years (force india, racing point, etc). they positively slayed at the start of the season and then one day they sucked. they finished fifth in the championship.
alpine. the frenchest french team. they’re (i think?) still partially owned by the french government. both of their drivers are french. (their drivers also hate eachother but we’ll get to that. just know they’re in the middle of a modern french civil war). they had the opportunity to have a good rookie driver (oscar piastri) this past year but in a thrilling twitter battle, he publically flamed the shit out of them and went to mclaren instead (and slayed). they're usually solidly middle of the pack. they ended sixth in the championship.
williams. williams has been one of the back of the grid teams for the last many years but they have finally started to get their shit together and don’t quite suck as much as they used to. all of the points this year were scored by only one driver though (except one but we’ll get there). they came in seventh.
alpha tauri. they are the sister team of red bull. so technically redbull owns both teams (meaning they can swap drivers between teams. they like doing this.) they’ve just kind of been There for awhile but they did slay towards the end of the season when one of their drivers led the race for several laps. basically tho, this team is the gateway to redbull. they came in eighth.
alpha romeo. recently renamed to stake f1 team (but sometimes they are going to be called kick sauber. this is a whole other drama post and i’m not getting into it). they’re also just kind of there. generally unproblematic. seems that really great drivers who get ixed out of a contract for a younger driver end up here or young drivers who are in their early years are here before they go to a better team. they ended ninth this year.
haas. oh haas. goofy team. they suck. point blank they suck. they keep loosing sponsors because they suck, they don’t win ever (one time they came first in qualifying last year). they cursed themselves in australia in 2018 by not tightening their tires and its been downhill ever since. they came 10th. their team principle got let go (fired?) who’s to say today.
so those are the teams. it is important to note that:
-there is a cost cap. each team is allowed to spend no more than 135m per year.
-not all cars are equal. some things are standard. they all undergo the same testing. but the cars are all very different. so you can be a good driver but stuck in a shitty car. which makes it impressive if you are doing well in a shitty car.
let’s meet our drivers!!!
starting with the guys who’s contract is not ending in 2024:
max verstappen. 3 time world champion. 26 years old. general beast on the track. he dominated the whole season. he’s currently racing for red bull and has a contract with them through 2028.
lewis hamilton. 7 time world champion. 39 years old. he drives for mercedes. he will not leave mercedes until he retires. he really really wants to win an 8th world championship and is willing to stick it out a few more years as long as merc still believes in him. his contract expires in 2025.
george russell. the other merc driver. 26 years old. hes aggressively british and says thinks like blimey unironically. walking meme. got his merc seat in 2022 right when they entered their flop arc by getting his tractor of a williams to finish second in qualifying in the middle of a rainstorm. his contract expires in 2025.
lando norris. mclaren driver. 24 years old. he has notably never won a race in his five years of formula one (mostly because right when his car finally was good enough max verstappen was 20 seconds ahead of anyone) but he is regarded as Very Good. he has only ever driven for mclaren. and even though there is another year left on his contract there is mass speculation that he will not renew his contract with mclaren after it expires and he may move up to one of the top teams (red bull, merc, ferrari) (tho i think he doesnt hate himself quite enough to go to ferrari). his contract expires in 2025.
oscar piastri. the other mclaren driver. 22 years old. this was his rookie season and he positively slayed. like people compared his rookie season to lewis hamiltons rookie season. he also had the positively funniest start to his rookie year because alpine announced that he would be driving for them (he had been their reserve driver and in the alpine academy) and he posted a tweet that basically said yeah thats false i never singed anything with you and im going to race with mclaren instead (he dodged a bullet) and then alpine tried and failed to sue him for $4m USD. he signed a contract extension with mclaren this year and his contract expires in 2026.
lance stroll. aston martin driver and son of the aston martin owner. hes doing ok, tho there was conspiracy that he wanted to quit and have a tennis career awhile ago. but basically since his dad owns the team it seems that hes guaranteed a seat for as long as he wants one.
so now. moving onto the good shit. the people who have contracts expiring in 2024. hold onto your hats people.
charles leclerc. (everyones favorite slutty little soup can). 26 years old. he is currently at ferrari and he has been since 2019. notably, he was given the longest contract in the history of ferrari after a stellar rookie season at sauber (renamed to alpha romeo, renamed to stake f1) where he got the tractor of a car consistently into the points. having the longest contract in the history of ferrari was a flex at the time, but now its likely how he will introduce himself at therapy sessions. ferrari have fucked this man left right and center up the ass with a plastic lunchroom spork. hes talented, he can drive, and he can drive well. but the strategy that ferrari has absolutely sucks. either something is wrong with the car (see him blowing out his gear box on the formation lap in monaco, his car completely crapping out and spinning into the barrier in brazil before the race even started) or they fuck up his pit stops or put him on the wrong tires and honestly its just frustrating. but will he leave??? likely not. you'd have to pry ferrari out of his cold dead hands and at this rate that might be where this is headed though there has been some minor speculation of him going to another team like merc or red bull, but merc doesnt have any open seats and red bull is a whole other dumpster fire of drama. ferrari are going to have to pay him a boatload of money to make him stay.
carlos sainz. the smooth operator. 29 years old. ferrari driver. previously carlos was at toro rosso (renamed to alpha tauri), renault (renamed to alpine), and mclaren before signing with ferrari. he has been at ferrari since 2021 and has voiced that he would like to stay with them for however long he can. there is speculation that lando might replace him at ferrari (but landos contract is not up until 2025) and there is also some speculation that alex albon might replace him. while charles is clearly the golden boy at ferrari, carlos is slightly slower but also definitely consistent. he was THE ONLY non red bull driver to win a race this past year, in Singapore after max verstappedn was knocked out of qualifying by alpha tauri reserve driver liam lawson (more on him later) and because he basically came up with his own strategy in the car while he was driving.
sergio perez. aka checo. red bull driver. 33 years old. and oh boy here's where we open the can of worms. checo was previously at racing point (renamed aston martin) and it was very near the end of the 2020 (?) season and he was out of a contract. he had a bonkers race where he was knocked to the back of the grid and then overtook everyone and somehow ended up winning (there is more to that story but just trust me) and christian horner, red bull team principle, mr ginger spice and definite disney villain called him and said congrats sir you have a seat at red bull! well. fast forward. hes been causing problems. problems as in crashing a lot, generally not doing great and pissing the crap out of red bull. it is basically guaranteed at this point that he will not be getting a contract extension. there was actually talk this year of him losing his seat mid season to one of the alpha tauri drivers, because remember, red bull owns both teams and they can switch them whenever they want to (and they have!) but ultimately this did not happen. even though checo has a seat at red bull until the end of 2024, its mass speculated that he is going to get switched with an alpha tauri driver, probably daniel ricciardo (more on him shortly) mid season because there is a speculated clause in daniels contract that says that if checo isn't performing well in the first few races daniel is getting his seat.
daniel ricciardo. 34 years old. alpha tauri driver. man oh man what a guy. outside of being the prankster of the paddock, he has one of the most batshit careers of anyone currently on the grid. he started out at red bull and was showing real talent and skill and was on track to win things (and was!) and was there until the end of 2018 when max verstappen (his teammate) started getting preferential treatment and also red bull started having a lot of problems with their engines (which were being outsourced from Renault (now alpine) and another team on the grid) and well very very long story short he made the surprise move of the century and decided to sign with Renault (which makes no sense they're the one with the engine problems) and was there for 2 years before moving again to mclaren where he was reportedly not treated very well and had a hard time driving the car so they mutually ended his contract with them early and he basically retired at the end of the 2022 season and became a red bull reserve driver. then halfway through the 2023 season alpha tauri ixed one of their drivers, nyck de vries, because he wasnt doing well and promoted daniel back up to a full time driver at alpha tauri (which we know is only a step down from red bull) but then he broke his hand in a crash in zanvort (?) and then he was replaced for a few races by formula 2 driver liam lawson (who we will also talk about) and then he came back to finish out the season in alpha tauri after he was cleared. daniel has admitted openly that he never should have left red bull and he was given bad advice to do so. hes towards the end of his career at this point and its well known that he Really Really wants to finish out his career at red bull again. he and max have already been teammates before and they do work well together and daniel is great driver (see his comeback in texas (or maybe it was brazil?) this year). so. Pretty Sure that daniels going to get either an extension at alpha tauri or go up to red bull. thats what we all want. get this man in a red bull we need him there biblically.
liam lawson. now technically liam is not actually a formula 1 driver. hes a formula 2 driver, but he was daniels replacement for five races and there has been some speculation and some confirmed news about him so hes getting included. when he was racing for f1 he was at alpha tauri. hes 21 and looks like he belongs in the movie grease. no one was expecting him to slay in formula 1 and he positively knocked everyones socks off. the scene: Singapore. which, if you'll recall, is the one race that a not red bull driver won. this was largely because liam lawson slayed the absolute game in qualifying. the qualifying part of racing determines what order the cars start in on the grid for the race and theres three parts, the first two parts the bottom 5 drivers each time get knocked out and then the top 10 complete for the last 10 spots. liam lawson knocked BOTH max verstappen and checo perez out of qualifying in the second round by going very slightly faster than them, effectively fucking up red bulls race and allowing carlos to win. and he also scored points in that race, which no one was expecting. now thats all fine and dandy, but here's the speculation: hemlut marko (im pretty sure) (who is somehow decently involved in the decision making at red bull though i couldn't tell you how) said that he thinks that liam lawson will be in an f1 seat no later than 2025. meaning that he will probably get offered a contract this year. and hes already raced for alpha tauri. red bull have sunk a good amount of money into him. they clearly want him. so if he gets offered an alpha tauri seat in 2025, that means theres a good chance danny rics is going to red bull. do you SEE how the plot here is THICKENED
yuki tsunoda. age 23. currently at alpha tauri. and fun fact, the only alpha tauri driver to race there the whole year. he had three separate team mates. he is slaying and hes often slept on. he has a bit of a temper and likes to shout on the radio and also hates working out (they had to force him to move to italy or something to work out, long story) but hes been kinda killing it. he led several laps in the abu dhabi race this year and hes decently consistent. people think theres possibility that he could get moved up to red bull on account of the fact that he is younger than daniel and clearly has more years in him,, but there is also possibility that he might not because red bull like to make stupid decisions. and if he doesnt get moved up to rebel, will he stay with alpha tauri? we don't know.
alex albon. age 27. currently a williams driver. alex albon is another one with a batshit career. he started out his rookie year in 2019 at alpha tauri then got moved up to red bull halfway through the year when red bull decided that pierre gasley wasnt doing a good enough job (more on him later) and stayed with red bull for a solid year and a half until he lost his seat in 2021 to checo. he has been with williams for the last two years and is basically carrying the team. like. williams as a team scored 28 points this year. and alex albon scored 27 of those 28 points. and as we know, williams is still kind of in their shit arc (though they are doing much better. they didnt score any points for a solid 2 (?) years. so this is an improvement.) and if you can get a shit car to perform you catch the eye of bigger teams. now, alex has already been a red bull driver. and he was on the cusp of podiuming two separate times when lewis hamilton ran into him. this (among a few other things) basically killed his chances at getting resigned at red bull because he wasnt ""performing"" and red bull are bitches who love to win. but some people think that red bull should give him another shot. like daniel, hes already been max's teammate and he can definitely drive. but theres also talk he might go to ferrari because ferrari think that he might compliment charles's driving style (or something). but going to ferrari at this point is kind of suicide. so.
logan sergeant. age 23. the only american on the grid. the other williams driver. he just finished his rookie year. he scored a grand total of one single point this season, in texas, and it was because charles leclerc and lewis hamilton both got disqualified because the floor of their car had more wear (by literally less than millimeters) than it was allowed to, bumping him up from 12th to 10th. he has never done better than alex albon. he was also the very last driver to get a contract for 2024, with williams waiting until i think december of 2023 to announce his contract extension. clearly, hes on thin ice. but people have also said that he needs time to get used to formula 1 (other people have pointed out that oscar piastri slayed his rookie season this year and this statement about needing time is largely false). where logan ends up next year though will largely depend on how well the 2024 season goes for him.
fernando alonso. 42 years old. many people like to point out that oscar piastri is actually younger than fernando's racing career. he won tiktok creator of the year (somehow) and is also a 2 time world champion. he retired a few years ago, just to show back up again and slay. during the first half of the season when aston martin had a zoom zoom car he killed it, and then they had problems on top of problems and he didnt do well. except for that one race in brazil where he came in third, beating checo by literally .05 seconds. he hasn't really made any hints about retiring a second time and he is kind of carrying aston Martin right now (he scored 205 points this season, coming in 4th and tying in points with charles leclerc, lance stroll only scored 74 points this year.) and they did have their best year yet this year. (though they are relatively new).
pierre gasley. 27 years old. french. drives for alpine. the french team. previously he raced with toro rosso (now alpha tauri), then got promoted to a red bull driver in 2019, then halfway through the season they decided he wasnt doing a good enough job and he got demoted back down to alpha tauri. then he won a race with alpha tauri just to stick it to red bull. after the great oscar piastri contract twitter war, he was signed as alpines second driver, with Esteban ocon being the other driver (more on him soon). estie bestie and pierre (both french) were childhood friends and now hate each other for unknown reasons and basically feuded on the track for most of the season. french civil war at alpine. he scored 62 points in 2023 and came in 11th. not really sure where he will end up, it is possible that he will stick it out at alpine.
esteban ocon. 27 years old. also french. currently driving for alpine. another one with a silly bonkers career. he started out at force india and had a baller few seasons there but his teammate at the time was checo, and checo didnt really cooperate with him too much and caused some drama that cost estie bestie some places and some points. max verstappen also beat him up in the garage once. thats not really relevant but it did happen. anyway, after the owner of force india was arrested for .... i don't remember what maybe it was embezzlement or bankruptcy or something money related, the team was backed by lawrence stroll and became racing point. but all of that happened mid season and lawrence was basically like look ill back you guys for now but next year my son gets a seat (lance) so one of you two (checo and estie bestie) have to go. and ultimately they let estie bestie go even though he was more consistent because checo had more sponsors and they needed money. so he was out of formula 1 for a few years (but was a merc reserve driver) and then went to Renault, which then became alpine. he did come in 12th though overall this season, just behind pierre. so. will alpine keep both him and pierre and keep the civil war going? whos to say.
nico hulkenberg. 36 years old. haas driver. in his 200+ f1 races he has never been on the podium and he really really wants to be on the podium. unfortunately this will never happen in a haas because haas fucking sucks. and everyone knows it. he is getting towards the end of his career though. though! stake f1 will become the mario Andretti and audi team in 2026 (don't question it) and they have supposedly voiced interest in nico. so we will see if he hangs on that long to end up at audi. for now tough, hes definitely hating it at haas. though, haas are going to have a different team principle next year so maybe that will change things. i have a sneaky feeling through that haas will probably end up with another 2 rookie drivers because everyone else is smart enough to not race for them.
kevin magnussen. 31 years old. haas driver. hes another deeply interesting character. he has had one podium. in his rookie season. in his first race. and none since. kevin started at haas in 2017 and then left at then end of 2020 when he basically got kicked off because the team needed money and they wanted to bring in drivers with more sponsorships. these drivers were mick schumacher and nikita mazepin. so kevin basically was forced to retire after the 2020 season. this went decently well for haas. until russia invaded ukraine right before the start of the 2022 season and, well, nikita was Russian and it was never distinctly proven that his dads company (who was sponsoring the team) wasnt also funding the invasion. so nikita got fired and they were literally like 2 weeks out from the start of the season, down a driver. who are you gonna call? kevin magnussen! and hes been back ever since. but hes clearly getting annoyed with haas. there was one great clip from this year where his car caught on fire and he kind of just stared into to, clearly hoping it would burn for a long time. so the likelihood of him extending his contract is looking slim.
valtteri bottas. 34 years old. currently a driver for stake f1 (alpha romeo, kick sauber, whatever you wanna call it). previously, he was a mercedes driver and notoriously helped lewis hamilton win a great many championships, until he lost his seat to george russell in 2022. there was a rather awkward part of the 2021 season where valtteri knew that he was out of a merc seat the following year and kind of just chose violence. he slayed. then he went to alpha romeo, grew a mullet and made a calendar of his ass. quite the glow up if you ask me. hes also very interested in cycling. honestly though, i have my own personal speculation that hes going to retire at the end of this year.
zhou guanyu. 24 years old. driver for stake f1 (alpha romeo/kick sauber, etc etc). hes doing alright. he just finished his second season, in his first season he was majorly out qualified by valtteri but this past season he managed to out qualify him a good 6 times. which is decently good for the tractor of a car hes driving. its possible that he could get a contract extension, but like logan, its probably going to depend on how the 2024 season goes for him.
and thats all the drivers. theres also a few others i didnt talk about, like some other f2 drivers who want seats and mick schumacher, who is currently a merc reserve driver, all of which could be contenders for f1 seats. but one things for sure. this is going to be the silliest fucking silly season.
feel free to add on and peer review me
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theimprobabledreamersworld ¡ 4 years ago
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Yayy! Despite trying to fight off a monster of a cold, I’ve got a new chapter written! :D
As I mentioned yesterday, this one is written from Logan’s POV because I’ve been wanting to create a back story for him in this story :) 
I’ll post the chapter under a line on here, but please check it out on Ao3 too! I love reading comments and stuff to find out what people think :)
Hope you like it!
Taglist: @psychedelicships  @edupunkn00b  @jwillowwolf @kacklingisanart @look-ma-im-on-tv @stardustlv @lost-in-thought-20
Chapter 5. My Heart Was Made Of Stone. And You Broke It Twice.
“But the wind has changed. My walls are weakening. They’re gonna fall soon. And I’m gonna need you.”
Logan was a man who always kept his emotions in check. He never let himself get too consumed by any kind of feeling. Happiness, sadness, love, hate, anger… Ever since he was sixteen, he refused to be vulnerable ever again. If you’re vulnerable, you can be broken. He had been broken far too many times when he was growing up.
His parents were agreeable, he couldn’t deny that… but he was never enough for them. Even as a young child, nothing was quite good enough. He remembered when the class teacher told his parents that he was the first child to learn how to write his name… he stretched up to show them and they let the paper flutter to the floor saying it wasn’t neat enough. He was only four! It got worse as he got older. Every time he was proud of something he had achieved, like getting a high grade, he was always asked why it wasn’t full marks. The unattainable goals were never reached and it took a lot to even vaguely satisfy them. He worked himself into the ground for the entirety of his school life, it affected his health, but they still weren’t happy. He was never strong enough, creative enough, serious enough, smart enough… and it hurt so much to know that. His friends however were amazing, they would always encourage him and make him take breaks when they knew he was working way too hard. They could always cheer him up and he was eternally grateful for that. Logan clenched his fists… he hated how much it knocked him down when he would walk in smiling over something that happened at school, to be told they weren’t interested and to just go and study. He always set himself up for the fall almost every day… no wonder emotions became such a hinderance. Luckily, music was his salvation for about eight years.
Logan took his head out of his hands, readjusted his eyes to the light and felt how raw they were from crying before staring at the dusty piano in the house intently. He used to be pretty good at playing. He loved his classical music, and still does. Just not playing it anymore. When he still had lessons, he was always thrilled with the challenge of increasingly difficult pieces given to him by his teacher. It was funny, his music teacher was the only person who ever truly believed in him. He was also the one person who could convince Logan to perform. The last concert he ever played in was the day before his sixteenth birthday, he played his most difficult piece to date… Chopin’s Fantasie Impromptu Op 66. They decided on that because it was originally a piece that no one was ever supposed to hear, Chopin never wanted it to be released after he died… but they did it anyway. His teacher said that he could then perform it however he wanted to, artistic interpretation and all that. He practiced and practiced at school so his parents wouldn’t hear it before. When it got to the concert, and his parents actually turned up, he was genuinely surprised. He walked out on the stage and sat down looking for his teacher who gave him a smile and a thumbs up, then the music began. He felt almost like he was watching himself play, he had never played with such determination before and as the final note rung out… there was silence. Before the room broke out into applause, his teacher was standing up clapping vigorously, then some of his classmates and other parents stood up too. His parents however were sat down, clapping politely with a neutral expression on their faces and Logan’s smile faltered. He gave a quick bow and walked quickly off the stage. His teacher followed him and gave him a hug while telling him how proud he was. Logan couldn’t stop the tears, he had never cried in front of another person, but no one had ever been proud of him before either. How embarrassing. The first time he had been shown positive interest by someone he respected, and he cried until the top of their shirt was damp with his tears. His teacher just held him and told him everything was okay. After he had calmed down and the tears had stopped, he went to go and join his parents for the second half of the concert, but their seats were empty.
In that moment, he didn’t get upset again and stayed unusually calm, and he knew that this was the final straw. He stayed at a hotel for the night at the insistence of his teacher, that way he could sort out his head and start looking up different apartment options. Which he did realise could be tricky as a sixteen-year-old… but he was smart, reliable, didn’t drink or smoke and had a substantial amount of money at his disposal. He waited until the morning and snuck back into his parent’s house to collect all of the things that he deemed necessary. Thankfully, the hotel manager was understanding and let him stay for the bare minimum price until he could find an apartment for himself. It took a few months, and the landlord had to be persuaded by his music teacher, but he found an apartment which was close to everything he needed and was affordable. One day, he would repay that teacher back for everything he had done for him.
He looked at the calendar, the picture of him and Virgil smiling and holding up their wedding ring hands was taunting him on the wall. He noticed the date. Wow, it had been ten years since he left without looking back, and he never heard a single word from them.
That was clearly for the best.
Ever since then, he never let emotions get the better of him ever again. However, as he looked around at the decimated living room, he had clearly broken and let all of those emotions consume him once again. Logan inspected the damage, as he traced the hole in the wall, the shattered photo frames and glass covering the floor, it caused his heart to fill up with regret. His heart was already full of pain, the regret was enough to make his heart quite literally tear in two. Virgil was the first person he felt like he could be vulnerable with again. When they first met, there was something about him, something that reminded him of himself. Maybe this guy was just as broken as he was, as he saw him hiding in the corner of the coffee shop trying to stay away from the world. He told Virgil this many times, but he had encased his heart in stone to keep it safe. As their relationship developed, as stupid as it sounds, he could feel the stone wall cracking and breaking off piece by piece, and he honestly didn’t mind in the slightest.
Now, he didn’t know what was going on with his heart. He was hurt, he was angry. It’s not every day you find out that the man you’ve been married to for the last five years spent most of his life as a well-trained and dangerous assassin. Going by Virgil’s words alone, the body count to his name is staggering and who knows how many people he’s hurt over the years. The argument they had earlier in the evening was playing on repeat in his mind.
“I couldn’t tell you!” Virgil shouted across the room.
“Why the hell not?! I’m your fucking HUSBAND Virgil, you are supposed to trust me. No matter what’s happened in your past!” Logan rubbed his forehead in frustration.
“Okay, you want to know why I hid everything from you? I did it to PROTECT you! My past is something that can be used against me, it is still being used against me. If anyone from it came after you… I would never be able to forgive myself!” The tears wouldn’t stop rolling down Virgil’s face as he spluttered out the words while his body shook with sobs.
Despite the hurt of seeing Virgil in so much pain, Logan couldn’t contain his anger. “What makes you decide if I need protecting? I can handle myself, ever since I was sixteen I’ve been on my own… You know that!”
Virgil sighed, like he was debating whether or not to say his next sentence.
“Remember when we met all those years ago? You told me about how you were attacked and how scared you were after it? Well… it was me. I was the guy who saved you. Every day since that moment, I vowed that I would protect you no matter the cost. Then I fell in love with you along the way, and I’ll love you until the end of time. If you want to know the truth about me, I know he gave you something. Look at it, and I won’t blame you if you try to turn me in to the police afterwards. I have to go now though, otherwise you will get hurt… I’m sorry, Lo.” Logan was left dumbfounded, and Virgil ran out of the front door, slipping away into the night.
There had been so many lies and too many secrets. He remembered that USB stick he threw in a drawer months ago. He opened it up and stared at the blue object, the label that read ‘Virgil… ?’ taunted him mercilessly. He looked over at his open laptop that was spared from his destructive anger, should he look at it?
Logan shook that thought away instantly, he needed to clear up first before making any kind of decision. He crouched down on the floor and started to sweep the glass over towards the sofa with his hand, just so he could clean it properly soon. He got to the first photograph, him and Virgil sitting in a restaurant holding hands and smiling at the camera. That picture was taken by Thomas and Nico, their two closest friends… He thought he should text them and see if they could come over. Virgil left half an hour ago, and he already felt too alone.
He’d contact them later, but for now. He wanted to stare at photographs and revel in his memories.
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