#for once it felt nice to cry
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Me, a casual viewer of BFU: True Crime and Puppet History, clicking on the Making Watcher playlist: Oh, its so nice that the boys got to start their own company :)
Me, 40 minutes later, no longer a causal viewer after seeing Ryan Bergara talk about his anxiety and then almost cry on camera because he is so happy that his friend agreed to work at his new company:
#ryan bergara#as that tweet once said#there is just something about him ya know#this is mostly a joke#BUT!#like i have a pretty solid no interaction policy with celebrities#i care about the character and not the actor#so i never felt the need to watch interviews or follow them on twitter or w/e#but now ive seen ryan get emotional and almost cry multiple times and im ??????#i still dont want to meet him in person but i do want him to tell us about his day#and i hope hes having a good time in disneyland#and I want to leave supportive comments on all their videos#and i very much want him to succeed because A) I genuinely like their shows and B) hes just so nice and relatable#ive never followed a YT channel before but I do see now how it creates that feeling a lot easier than traditional media#because YT creators do depend a lot more on engagement and views#and they interact with the audience a lot more#anyway im being really dramatic about the fact that I dusted off my twitter account after 6 years just so i can ❤ watchers tweets#and then promptly created a patron account just so i could support them#this is just a lot more involved than i usually get#just rambling in the tags to sort out my own feelings
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so uh. that 2.2 Special Program, huh
#hsr#honkai star rail#hsr 2.2#hsr spoilers#hsr leaks#the body of this post reads as far less enthusiastic than i really am#i just don’t know how to casually return from my latest 2 week hiatus only to gush abt a game i’ve hardly blogged abt before#but i’m not making a whole ass sideblog for it like i did for Genshin. nah y’all r gonna bear witness to my fixation with this one#so anyways don’t mind me. vibrating into another dimension with anticipation for the next 11 days#it’s insane man. a year ago i Never ever woulda thought i’d be so invested in this game. and it took Months for the game to really grab me#but i’m v glad i kept coming back even when i was struggling to really get into it. like i just had this feeling that if i stuck around and#gave the game a chance to really like. come into its stride. i just always felt like there was Something there and i just hadn’t found it#and holy shit i finally found it in Penacony. the devs really truly outdid themselves with this region and these characters and this story#not to discount everything that’s happened prior. like i was genuinely Liking it all before now but i wasn’t Loving it y’know#but that may be more a ‘me having to fight tooth n’ nail to force myself to consume new media’ thing than it is a matter of the actual game#anyways i came here to talk abt the program! bc since i’m not filming my HSR stuff i’m gonna be insufferable abt it on Tumblr instead ! :)#and i’m probably not filming any more Genshin stuff. or anything else at all for that matter but let’s not talk abt that dead dream#pun not intended lmao. Anyways let’s return to the subject at hand while there’s still room left in these tags shall we#i’m so fucking glad they had Aventurine on this program man. especially since he’s leaked to only have 18 lines in 2.2… it was nice to see-#-him here at least 🥹 i’ll take what i can get. his unenthusiastic little bird noises at the beginning.. him being reluctant to come out..#the way one of the first things to come out of his mouth was ‘y’know DR RATIO once told me…’ like boy we get it ur in love with him 🙄 (/J!)#i love how they can’t go on these programs w/o talking abt each other it’s adorable. AND THE WAY HE WAS THE ONE TO EXPLAIN BOOTHILL’S KIT!?#they can’t just fuel my crackship like this… god and his whole ‘muddle-fudger.. son-of-a-nice-lady?’ thing had me wheezing#Aven mocking Boothill’s inability to curse was not on my special program bingo card but fuck i’m here for it#and Robin being all curious abt him was so cute.. ‘who /is/ he? … does he order milk at the bar?’ i’m crying she’s so sweet#also the trailer was fucking insane. which feels redundant as hell bc all of HoYo’s version trailers go hard but like. still. wow.#that millisecond long shot of Boothill surveying the skyline is so fucking good. also what the fuck is Jing Yuan doing here!!#not complaining at all tho. we’ve got JY & DH(IL?). Argenti(?). Boothill. Sunday. Aven. all my men r here and i am eating so fucking good#Seven.txt#viddy game stuff
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Had a really stupid conversation via minor emotional breakdown with a queer friend about what makes an LGBTQ person 'assimilist'. From what she said I'm kind of forced to draw the conclusion 'if you say you're not assimilist, then you're not'.
#i love her but none of it makes any sense to me#i think i really just wanted her to see that this kind of rhetoric is no good if you're fundamentally unable to see yourself as having valu#to a community- which is where i'm still at sometimes unfortunately.#i would say that i may not be the only one since mental illness + self esteem issues + being lgbtq are not exactly unlinked#but i have basically never found anyone else who has my particular hangups...maybe online once ages ago#so in my own mind i'm the most assimilist lgbtq who ever existed- not even worthy to call myself queer#and it's nice that she thinks i am not like that and in fact am 'one of the good ones'#who is not assimilist- look i know that 'one of the good ones' usually means the opposite ok i know! it's just an impression i get#she's like telling me obviously i'm all good because i look like i do but all i can hear is#that if i didn't look like this then i'm an assimilist#i fucking hate my brain honestly no one asked me to have a mental breakdown at their house (thank god i didn't cry)#and then go home and that's when i cry because i saw a trans guy's 'this many years on t' post and i felt like shit because#i haven't done anything about transitioning in ages and i'm not even out at work :'(#like i know i'm an assimilist because my main reason for not coming out at work is not wanting to do the beaurocracy#of changing my name on my email and every fucking log in i have on everything- telling every single person i interact with#i just can't it's too much and my line manager is worse than useless#but i have 'my job is computer and doing emails all day' privilege so i don't like to talk to people about it
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#i knew the vibes were going to plummet as soon as we left the restaurant#ny dad actually isnt in a bad mood about it#he didn't like the loud music but hes not mad about it#but my mom is like 'i picked a bad place i shouldn't have picked that one i didnt even know they had music#and they just HAD to sit us at the loudest table 🙄'#well yeah. it was the only one open when we got there#and she kinda complained about her food and the waitress 😵💫#she said she was stressed the whole time bc she knew my dad was stressed#well. the difference between them is my dad was stressed about the loud music#but once we left the place with the loud music. he wasn't stressed anymore#my mom was stressed. so she will find every single thing she can to contribute to her stress. and it will remain. for hours#in fact. probably years from now. we will be like remember that nice trip in September 2024 :) and she will be like#'oh yeah the one with the awful restaurant that i picked out that everyone was miserable about'#(she was the most miserable bc she stressed herself out)#and its just.......... :/ im sorry my dad was uncomfortable with the noise. and that my mom didn't have a good time#but. i cannot remember the last time a restaurant caused LESS anxiety actually.#and on a different vacation earlier this year we went to a restaurant that Everyone else wanted to go to#and it was quite literally one of the most miserable experiences of my life#it was SO loud. the dining room was so small and cramped and it was so crowded and everyone was YELLING#i kept headphones in the whole time and sat with my head down and could barely even eat anything#it was like. an hour+ long panic attack. i wanted to cry the whole time#but when that happened. my moms dinner wasnt ruined bc she felt bad i was stressed#so . 😐 im just saying
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Fanny, my sweet, beautiful girl
17.11.2012 – 14.04.2019
#my art#artists on tumblr#I cannot accept that it has been 5 years already#I know covid messed with everyone’s sense of time but it simultaneously feels so much longer and so much shorter than that#exactly five years ago I was holding onto my mom for dear life and sobbing as we watched lilo and stitch together#not the best movie to watch when you’ve just lost your first ever pet you know#and then I cried myself to sleep at the next morning we never mentioned her again#I know it’s because it was way too painful for everyone involved. but I do wish I was allowed to process that grief properly#instead of bottling it up and pretending everything was okay until I was reminded of her#feeling like my heart was being shattered over and over again every single time#well anyway. enough of that. I’ve allowed myself a nice long cry today and got most of it out of my system#and once I was feeling okay I decided to draw her#and I can count the number of times I’ve drawn animals on one hand so.. I’m not too sure about the result#but it felt like to commemorate her in some way.#so yeah. here she is. my dear girl. the best dog in existence. she was always so affectionate and kind#which I didn’t always appreciate bc of how young I was. when you’re a kid it feels like pets will live forever#never barked. never bit anyone. her only crime was chewing on my mlp and lps toys that I left out on the floor#but I’m grateful she did that. it taught me not to leave my toys lying around and to clean up after myself#she really was taken from me way too soon. ideally she could still be alive right now. but I’ve been down the road of guilt and regret#there was nothing I could do. I was a child. I can only hope that she knew she was loved right until the very end#even if I didn’t know how to show it properly. and great. now I’m tearing up again#I suppose it’s unavoidable. April 12th will always be a melancholy day. and maybe that’s not such a bad thing#it’s good to have a day when I can freely remember her and cry if I need to. it’s healthy. it’s better than crying every day#she never liked it much when I cried. always tried to comfort me. that’s the kind of dog she was. I miss her so much#when I move apartments and get a dog of my own I’m getting a spaniel. just like she was#well. maybe a different colour so I don’t end up sobbing every time I look at it. but spaniels really are the perfect breed#I mean. cavaliers especially were bred for love and warmth. that’s just what I need. it will be nice to have someone waiting for me at home#and while I don’t necessarily believe in the afterlife… I do hope that Fanny’s watching over me#spiritually comforting me when I feel all alone in the world. it’s a nice thought for sure#and hopefully she won’t mind me getting another spaniel too much. it will be done in her honour after all. to make up for my past mistakes
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just got home, exhausted as hell but.
i just finally passed the biggest and very important test of my life… still having trouble believing i really did it 🥹
#⋘ 『 ─ noms' chatter log; 』 ⋙#sorry‚ i know i don't ever talk about my irl here but i really felt the need to type it out somewhere#i'm actually so genuinely proud of myself for once#and it feels nice to have friends and family be proud of me too#i think i could cry if i wasn't so physically exhausted from the trip home 😭
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Turkey day 2023 in the books. Cooked it all. Will clean it all tomorrow 😴 now is for zoning out in bed on tumblr with the kitties
#my body *hurts* but lol I did it!!!! I cooked everything! my mom helped me out a bit! I didn't freak out ONCE!#NOT ONCE! NOT ONE SINGLE TIME AT ALL ALL DAY I WAS IN A GOOD MOOD AND HAPPY AND NEVER FELT LIKE I WANTED TO STRESS CRY OR LIE IN THE STREET#I EVEN TOLD MY MOM I WAS ON MEDS AND SHE WAS LIKE OH WELL IF THEY WORK I'M HAPPY FOR YOU!!!#santino even came out and hung out! he stole a hunk of turkey someone dropped and ate cool whip off my mom's finger lol#felix however did not 😔 still working on him lol#but omg it was so nice! I didn't feel completely overwhelmed and awful and shitty#cooked SO MUCH FOOD oh my god but I didn't freak! not once!!!!!!!!! I LOVE THESE MEDS BRO LOL#no fighting! no freak outs! no crying! good day! fun day!#I even got myself a copy of the sims game I wanted cause it's on black friday sale!#but I'm too tired to even play it tonight so TOMORROW lol!!!!#erin explains it all
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my therapist disMANTLED me
#i love her#but i felt like a lego set being pulled apart section by section#it's gonna really hurt once she starts moving the legos out of the way piece by piece#cracked me for sure#and i dont like it bc i dont want anyone to know about the ugly things inside of me but i know me not liking it is good actually#she is getting to the bottom of it#gotta sit with these stupid feelings#imma go eat lunch now#food after a good cry hits different#like its really nice#feeling like a moody toddler that is exhausted from all the big feelings#i'm gonna eat#personal
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wait you got me so invested in the stammer & heddy tailor au....
this is my standard disclaimer that i have never posted a fic on ao3* and for however much i say “au” i truly mean that it’s a universe that lives in my head & i am absolutely delighted to tell you all about, all the time <3 if it helps i ALSO got me so invested in the heddy & stammer tailor au
ok now that the author’s note is out of the way here’s some notes about the not!fic heddy & stammer tailor au:
stammer as the tailor from gent’s playbook, very reserved, quiet, with an excellent eye for details (honestly the evidence i have for his style sense is just that he’s best friends with pk subban so it has to be there somewhere if only by proxy irl) is hired by victor hedman, star of the tampa bay lightning who is every other tailor’s nightmare to dress (huge, opinionated, fashionable)
heddy is decently well-known throughout the league for being very well-dressed & becomes quietly well known for also being one of his new tailor’s favorite loyal customers [heddy has the nicest fabrics. he has his suits the first day a new collection drops & e v e r y o n e is jealous]
stammer’s business booms after heddy takes a chance on him as his first big client & promotes him, heddy sees him grow in popularity & get more clients
heddy also moonlights as a model for stammer’s suits on instagram, initially to help him grow his business because then he won’t have to pay for a model and then because he’s over there all the time anyway because they’re dating (that’s why the model’s face is never in the pictures)
there’s not really a plot to this besides the vague idea of a plot where stammer makes heddy his lucky suit that he wins the cup in & sews a special little tag into the lining of his jacket that says i love you
because love sometimes is picking out the perfect right color pocket square to match your husband’s beautiful suit that you fitted like a kiss to the curves of his huge body
& also sometimes love is making your beautiful husband who makes you beautiful clothing enjoy nice things for himself once in a while, like the fancy watch you bought him or the nice suit you custom-ordered for him (from him) just so you could take it off of him
#*i did very much post a zine on ao3 that was part of a really fun exchange that i loved doing (thank you leah for organizing!!!)#& had a fantastic time with however i have not strictly speaking posted a fic. one day i will. eventually. hopefully. pray for me :)#also one time my horoscope told me i was a ‘neutral projector’ & i’ve never felt more called out (‘loves making up things’/‘will not#actually write or plot but will explain every intricate detail of their world & character relationships’/‘hype up every member of the#writing chat & give good advice but never follow it’) like HI CAN U NOT DO THIS TO ME HOROSCOPE THANKS i was read to FILTH#liv in the replies#i do LOOOOOVE me a good one of them plays hockey the other one does not au sometimes they’re so fun to explore dynamics outside/inside sport#at the time i came up with this stammer was out on IR & heddy kept showing up to the playoffs in ridiculously nice suits what was i to do??#the gent’s playbook tailor will sometimes model his own suits w/o showing his own face which made it look like he had a secret model come in#heddy canonically says his suits make him feel better when he plays esp during playoffs & if he wins in a suit he’ll keep wearing it#oh also the truth of the love is in the pocket square bit? angela price i will never forget. anyway that blue suit i posted in the last ask#with the perfect pink pocket square? that pocket square is a pair of stammer’s boxers heddy took To Me. in my brain#me about the beautiful clothing: this is like daisy crying in gatsby’s silk shirts except it’s baby alpaca fur & also it’s not sad#it’s simply decadent & the inherent intimacy of a fitting mapping the body yada yada yada knowing the ways to flatter someone is a form#of loving them etc etc. love is art love is food love is given love is stored in the custom three-piece suit and tie#is this an enemies to lovers? workplace drama? is the secret plot i only just now invented & added that heddy is ‘difficult to work with’#but it’s just because he wants to look good & in the words of his own (real) tailor the hardest guy to fit because he’s so big? OHHH HOLD IT#I GOT THE PLOT IN THE TAGS Y’ALL AND IT’S STAMMER TEACHING HEDDY TO LOVE HIS BODY heddy who’s been told what to/not wear & you know.#the commodification of the body in hockey (but we’re not getting that deep) but stammer with a mouth full of pins tightening heddy’s pant#leg down even further as he listens to what heddy wants for once & lets him pick fabrics (this is the daisy shirt moment but it’s heddy#looking at fabric swatches dozens of books of them stammer helps him pick out matching linings &outsides &squares) & stammer compliments him#& they’re in love & idk NEARLY enough abt fashion but there r like codes? messages? to wearing suits i think w/the etiquette so that too#should this have also gone under a readmore? yeah probably. whoops#victor hedman#steven stamkos#tampa bay lightning
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I go in 1v4. I press Y. I forcibly capture Oasis Gardens.
#we won this game yall#me being reckless as all hell eventually won us the game#not gonna lie i had a little cry about that afterwards#because it felt really nice to do something productive for once#anyways#enjoy me being an idiot#and it actually working#gabriel reaper reyes#gabriel reyes#reaper overwatch#r.t. plays overwatch 2#overwatch#overwatch 2#r.t. talks#overwatch potg#potg#play of the game#reaper potg#blackwatch reyes#r.t. posts videos#video games#not sports#this boy is r.t.s type#babyboy death blossom#r.t. is such a simplord for gabriel reyes
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When someone tells you to tell them everything you have in your heart and that they’re there for you and will not judge you and anything and you just freeze and tell yourself “believe me if I tried to say even an ounce of what I have bottled up there I would immediately burst into tears”
#which literally happened already last year#so I couldn’t even say everything I wanted to because once I start crying I can’t stop for a while#and then everything id like to say becomes hard to or incomprehensible#I mean I really appreciate the thought though it’s nice to know you can be vulnerable in front of someone#also scary I mean but truly I felt loved and cared for
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hello seb its me the catboy in your head. leave tumblr and get a tasty snack you deserve it
anyway hi seb howre you
Thanks thanks I'll try to do that I really deserve a treat I really do
I'm okay I think. Could be considerably better. A lot better actually but I'm fine I suppose.
↑ the lady
#i have my cat here and she's very cute#so that's nice#but i had this coming the past few days have been really weird#and then my first thought after waking up was 'oh this is not the right body' and then i wasn't really able to look in a mirror all day#cause it just felt wrong like. not my face nope nope who the fuck are you#same with my voice yeah today was a depersonalisation day indeed#for lack of better wording I'll call it that#again i apologize I'll return to being silly and happy in a bit#this was rather nice i think i needed to cry again I'm like if repression was a person so it's good to get all of that out once in a while#future me is gonna hate me for this but i do not care#at this point saying I'm good and everything's splendid is not gonna do me any good either so whatever#oh who am i kidding there's a good chance future me won't even remember this#if i do remember then it'll be classed as a nice experience#vani🐈#sorry again i know it's not really what people like to hear from their friends but yeah i feel better now really
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#no need to read or react just needed to rant about my brain a bit#the next two weeks are supposed to be super exciting with BC giving us a new look and song and music video#it's umk week and my favorite for once has historically great odds of winning and a good chance to do well at eurovision as well#I'm going to see umk live with my dear sister and stay at a hotel so it's like a mini-getout and then I'm going to stockholm and oslo gigs#this is supposed to be best times of the year so far but my brain decided we can't have any of that :)#last year at this same time I got hit hard with depression and the anxiety I've always had got even worse#it got to the point that nothing made me happy or feel anything at all and I just cried all day for weeks#everything about UMK night was blurry and sad because I wasn't talking to my bestie who I've watched eurovision with for 10 years#I just started crying during the Dark Side/ Bad Idea opening and the results felt like nothing#I'll always assiociate Bad Idea with my depression because it was playing on the radio in the nurse's office when I got my meds#anyway I can feel that same darkness crawling back to my brain right now and I'm very scared#my brain decides I don't deserve to be happy and screams about how unloveable and ridiculous and embarrassing and ugly I am#it isn't helping that Joel keeps reposting the most model-looking tiktokers because I always feel a hot gush of shame run through me#and everytime I see a pic of any of their blonde skinny young gfs I just wanna kms#now it's gotten to a point that the voice in my head yells at me that I don't deserve Bc or their music and I should cancel my gig trip#because they wouldn't wanna see a disgusting cow myself being so near the stage not to mention ask for a pic or autograph#and I should just hide in my apartment forever#and everyone who has ever been nice to me is either doing that out of pity or making fun of me behind my back#I can't take this anymore#delete later
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laying in my bed face up (bc of headphones preventing me from turning over) in the dark while jus depressively staring at my ceiling or even w my eyes closed feels so cursedly serene. bc my bed will b my tomb so it feels like i hav my foot half in the grave. the hold on a plushie against my chest like tht of a corpse w a bouquet in its hand at an open casket funeral.
#i never hav my plushie w me anymore for Reasons but i felt like such shit earlier tht i wanted my old 1 w me. it felt nice. i managed 2#feel jus empty instead of actively wanting 2 kill myself. i only started crying again Once. which was nice.#delete later
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#sometimes I have difficulty with my emotions#omg haha isn’t that so funny yeah of course I struggle with them LMFAOOOOOO but sometimes they feel so silly does that make sense?#i feel really bad sometimes because sometimes I wish he would just#validate my feelings without me needing to ask or without hearing it very once in a blue moon you know and obviously it’s not as rare as#im making it out to be it’s just that it feels like that and i need to be reminded that you still fuck with me Often basically lol and it’s#hard to ask that if someone? i don’t know I’ve been going through it lately my eating disorder is quite literally the worst it’s been in#in forever and i just want to lose like 20 to 40 pounds just to looks ? nice for him? he says he’s attracted to me but why would he be#attracted to a fat piece of shit like me LOL anyway like it’s fine I just need to lose weight before I see him! cause then he’ll love me !#sometimes I forget I’m not doing well#and it’s really hard because i feel like i can’t tell him that because a lot of it is eating disorder territory that i refuse to talk about#with him right ? i hate myself and i kind of want to isolate and never talk to anyone ever fucking again you know but i can’t do that#because that’s just awful isn’t it? i can’t just ignore him just because im not feeling great in my head but like#i don’t know#it’s hard to tell him that sometimes I have a really hard time bantering with him because i take it very literally#i was on the verge of fucking tears.#and i felt awful because it wasn’t his fault but i could t help crying because what if he actually hates me?#no seriously whag if he hates my fucking guts ? you know?????#my eye bags are worse than when I was in school#im really tired.#and i just want to go away for a while
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this!!!
bcuz it took me so long to figure this thing out
I think for me the main difference between aesthetic and romantic and/or sexual attraction is whether you want to act on it or not. Like okay people are attractive but I don’t need it to go further than just looking. I get the impression that that’s not the case for allos
#crush#in elementary school i had a on this boy#i talked to him maybe twice but he looked nice and liked video games#once i dreamt about kissing him and told my frind about it#she wanted to help me so she run and told him#horrible idea really#cuz it actually worked#he came up to me and asked in front of my friends#if i wanted to be his gf#2 minutes after saying yes i felt nauseous#had a panic attack#broke up with him#couldnt stop crying for the rest pf the day#never figured out why i had such a reaction#after all those years it makes sense
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