#and then everything id like to say becomes hard to or incomprehensible

[diari0deglierrori]

When someone tells you to tell them everything you have in your heart and that they’re there for you and will not judge you and anything and you just freeze and tell yourself “believe me if I tried to say even an ounce of what I have bottled up there I would immediately burst into tears”

[vanilladrpepper]

SPINS YAYAYAYYAYAYAYYA for sure i think the setting heavily affects the characters and their fears and avatarhood and it ISSSSS really interesting to think abt what they would be in a normal or modern au bc theres just. so much that changes!!!!! buried web midvalley IS smth i will be chewing on . smth about him trying desperately to claw out of the grasp of the ghg being trapped and drowning in his position,.,., wonderful . i am curious abt why it would present in a modern/normal au and how it would manifest for him - stuck in his ways? an unpleasant job? maybe even crime or murder still? it would depend on the rest of the contents of the modern/normal au i think. SIDEBAR WAIT REALLY FUNNY THOUGHT - college trigun tma au (insane combo) . midvalley is stuck as the frat man and he keeps ending up in controversies and investigations due to . well. his frats unfortunate Everything (frats lowkey are buried/web coded. i think his would be a breeding ground for statements and encounters) but hes between a rock and a hard place and it starts to weigh on him more and more and more until bam. avatarhood. AND YEAAAAA the way fear is presented in tma is so interesting i love it sm - especially avatarhood as a coping mechanism its such a tasty concept.

MILLY AND MERYL MY BELOVEDS . god the thoughts of how they couldve ended up with web/hunt in a normal/modern au is sm to think abt hmmmmm ARCHIVIST MILLY AND MERYLLLLL YAS its so good and ok hear me out. even potentially providing an in for the insurance -> journalist pipeline as them shadowing the archivist and working in the library or research maybe?? this could also be a way to incorporate roberto maybe if ur inclined. AND MILLYS INSANE PERCEPTION COMBINED WITH MERYLS UNENDING CHASE AUGH . they continue on and on rallying and going down the path bc they need to see it through to the end even if its dangerous or threatening because They Need The Truth

BURIED WOLFWOODDDDDD YIPPEE god ur so right abt him hes just tunneling deeper and deeper because . wolfwood especially in trimax is so like. his fear of his role, of his and hopelands safety, of vash and knives and the unknown, of his inability to break out of the eom and how hopeless it all seems. like i dont want to say hes defined by his fear bc he has more to his character but its heavily present throughout the narrative to the point that its immensely palpable. it also. of course. points towards volume 10. evoking imagery of grasping hands breaking the earth, fingernails crusted with dirt and grime and grit, the choice of the dice roll he made with the vials - his hail mary to sink deeper, to cement his fate and prepare his coffin. in a modern/normal au id like to think it still follows him somehow in some way - obv connected with however the eom presents in the au i think. sunk cost fallacy wolfwood my beloved

VAST DESOLATION VASHHHHHH . also yes the vast and buried should kiss. and yessssss vast vash is so good hes so incomprehensible and terrifying - thinking of the dragons nest chapters and how he fell and lost control and became. a horror beyond what anyone present really thought they could handle/deal with. and desolation is yea pretty self explanatory as u say. its the horrors persisting over and over, following him like a shadow despite how much he runs, how much he tries to escape it - the desolation has become a part of him as much as any other part of him

ARCHIVIST VASH YES it brings to mind an elias bouchard ass existence but like. vash would be less of an ass i think. hed latch onto trying to mitigate the damage that the institute commits - but he cant get out of it . hes stuck watching, even when he wants to close his eyes, even when he wants to cry and turn away, but he cant, because his guilt drives him to eat his own tail, to become a self fulfilling prophecy, thus in effect keeping the eye and the institute turning because if he is not there to witness, then these people stuck in the throes of misery have no one to treasure their existence or to honor their life. i think a potential way to spin corruption into it might have something to do with knives and . well. the arc (ark? idk how its spelled officially) and potentially also as the unending devotion he sees over the years that gets twisted into violence? ie the people of nml desperate to survive turning towards the idea of kill of be killed (though that might fit some other entities. unsure which though)

EXTINCTION KNIVES yes yes his anger and hatred comes from fear ofc and i dooooo think he for sure thought of himself and vash in teslas position - and the proceeding horrors are a desperate attempt at control in the wake of trauma. his manifestation being trying to change the order hmmmmm yes . its the idea of him going against the grain, the fear of the end, the Complete end and knives switching it on its head and reversing what he believes will happen to him and the rest of the plants onto humanity. smth about being so bone deep terrified of being entirely erased off of existence that youre willing to become it as a sense of self preservation, to ensure survival.

THANK U FOR THE RAMBLEEEEEE YAYAYAYAYAYAY

i see ur tags. rubs my gay little hands together. please discuss ur tma au (also ur writing is superb very evocative we love vash and his uncanny-ness)

I opened the ask while going down the stairs and almost tripped I’m ngl . ANAYYAS. YOU BOTH

IVE JUST BEEN HAVING LIKE. A RANDOM SPUR OF THOUGHTS ABT IT . Abt the possible setting mostly

Okay

Cause like,,, WE HAVE TALKED ABT THIS BEFOR EI REMEMBER YOUR REBLOGS REESE if we’re thinking of the au taking place . A LOT of the characters have high potentials to be slaughter avatars, especially those in the ghg and that’s just. Simply because on no man’s land violence is just expected, especially with a profession they have

So. A more,,, “normal” setting could open for possibilities. Normal as in “modern” even though trigun takes place in some fuck off future far from ours I’m pretty sure😭 Like . Say Midvalley. Slaughter w the guy who plays MUSIC? ANDDD USES IT FOR VIOLENCE? That’s a pair baby!!

Put him in a relatively safer world where the ghg aren’t a group of assassins but something else. maybe they don’t even exist. Where he’s just some guy.

The way we view fear in tma is somethjfn to think abt, heavy on avatarhood here, I like to think of it as like,,, fear has dug it’s claws into you, has become you / one with you / overtaken you whatever, and now you have to live with it, and the avatarhood is how you cope with that, what you choose to do with this fear . Does that make sense. a mark is the trauma be it physical or mental, and Becoming is wielding it, maybe accepting it intimately

So, say. Back to Midvalley right. What do we know of him other than this violence. That he was a killer way before the ghg. What other than the slaughter. We have widderwally nothifn

WHICHHH IS WHY ITS SUCH. A THING TO THINK ABT! On a setting that isn’t no man’s land, and a “modern”/“normal” setting that doesn’t involve the ghg being assassins, what can he be! What can any of the characters be! What can we take from their character and personality and gauge a fear that could be their drive that doesn’t stem from survival! (I think buried web Midvalley might be cool tbh . no I can’t elaborate)

Milly and Meryl being eye-hunt is. Well. Points at them and their entirety. Mostly to me is that what they do well, but I really want to think about what could’ve made them become, does your main fear have to be the thing. What am I saying

Like mike. Our pal mike crew our buddy our chummy guy. He was mainly hunted by the Lichtenberg spiral figure right. Like yes he was struck by the vast but . Gragh I hate that they’re categorized like that when they are technically one

Also. Snort. Janemike appearance

Anyways . I lost the plot in my head ERM

Milly and Meryl being eye hunt …. They can be archivists. Together. As a treat I think. Imagine them being archivists in any setting pspsps

They both are witness to the various bullshit on Vash’s journey, have seen sorrow, pain, enlightenment, god knows what, destruction. They have also seen happiness, comfort, calmer times. Rare as it can be. They’ve seen secrets shared histories laid bare they’ve made themself present for a LOT. witness . eye. yk. does any of this make sense. also fits w their reporter occupations

the hunt part,,, well. they’re constantly on a trail, right . constantly chasing after a target (cough) . And that could be played into the eye’s tendency and urge to know, but their synchronicity i think is also important,,, they’ve got each other’s backs and know this, able to cover up where one falls short (like that time! W that guy who straight up tried to kill vash! And Meryl was held at gunpoint very unimpressed then Milly shoots her stun gun!) Peas in a pod, a pack, stronger in number. That kind of thing!

Also because. I think Milly’s scary perception CAN BE A THJNG. IT SHOULD BE. PELASE. and her monthly (POINTS AT YOU REESE)!!! Little reports, documentations . In a way!!! ya know!!

whichiswhyeyehuntissuchacombo.ok.itslikeapackagedeal

okay buried wolfwood. Loud wheezing

Once again, if we throw away the eom and ghg. Wolfwood would grow up relatively . Aight. to just Be some guy . All of these characters could! Without the constant fight for survival and constant high stakes most of not all of them would straight up just. Chill. Mostly. Probably. Idk. They literally could have the potential to be marked by ANYTHING and become avatars of ANYTHING at that point. Maybe. IDK

Buried wolfwood … burdened and chained down by fear, by his mission, drowning in the sticky river of the blood of his targets … he plays the devil. yk. while his heart cries out. his shoulders are heavy with a role a mask a title he does not want but his feet are planted firmly on the stage he has been set on . Boxed in. Midvalley and Hoppered went against their role, and they ended up. Well. Not well! He knows he’s stuck

The Punisher weighs on him, his sins, his wrong doings, all the things that he fiercely believes can’t be redeemed, and he doesn’t try to claw his way up and off and out the stage, he lets himself sink deeper into it, clings onto it even, because if he does otherwise, then. What else does he have, right?

Buried because HOOOWEEE I think buried mark works well for him, and Buried because being an avatar of the buried works. Vibes I’m going off vibes I’m afraid. I also really love the buried SHOUTOUT TO FOREVER DEEP BELOW CREATION THE TOO CLOSE I CANNOT BREATHE I LOVE YOUUU

And now that he’s been dragged even deeper because of his mission to escort vash. Yea. He knowsss there isn’t an outttt of this . He’s deep in both his belief, and his torment . I need to furiously throw something at him

VAST DESOLATION VASH TIME EVERYONE HEAR ME OUT. OKAY

wow we’ve gone from “I’ve been thinking abt the setting” laid back leaning against my pillow to “OKAY CHARACTERS” locking in leaning forward I’m

Again. It would be silly to think abt how not having factors like the general plot of the manga or being put in a normal setting would change what avatar he could be . Because w/o finding out about Tesla, the story wouldn’t have been as it is right

But like. It is what it is so. What is it. Take a shot everytime I say is. That’s another shot

The vasts whole gig involves the fear of insignificance, of falling, of areas or things you can’t quite navigate or comprehend, of heights, depth, infinity, the ocean, the open waters. right. Idk I’m like constantly cross referencing the wiki for both tma and trigun LMAOO I think the buried and vast should kiss (grabs vw

The way characters reacted to vash being pseudo immortal —

Oh my god I’ve been typing for an hour. Okay. This isn’t even much I’ve straight up just sat there staring blankly at my phone doing nothing except moving to type for an hour okay

Right. When faced with something whose entire being is just so unknown, so incomprehensible to you, you can’t help but just . Feel sorta insignificant right . Cant help but wonder and think . Vash has that effect. To me. People who know of his true nature can’t even begin to fathom what he has seen, what he has lived through, what exists far beyond the scope of their human lives. His entire existence can’t be fully explained in words, experiences and memories simply too. badumtsh vast

ialsothinkthatarchivistvashwouldgoHARDletstalkabtthat

ARCHIVIST VASH. HEAAAR ME OUT. he’s literally a walking record of times past, of the history of gunsmoke . His instinctive goofy act and downplay of literslly everything about him, the fear of being perceived in ways that could possibly be used and turned against him rihjt.

He has encountered man at their highest and low, has been witness to achievements, to starts and to ends of all kinds of multitudes, has been the canvas to slaughter, has been the focus of eyes, the target of hunts, buried by the ideals he sworn to live by (WHICH . NOW THJNK ABOUT HIM KILLINF LEGATO. NOW.), he’s seen the darkest sides of the planet and man seen what lurks in the shadows, masters escaping because of the situations that became too much, finds himself on the brink of spiral and clutches onto that brink, walked a long lonely road as people come and inevitably go, found himself stuck in a web that he spun and that others spin, has found himself surrounded by destruction, desolation, the fear of his own flesh, of his own body, idkhowtoworkcorruptionintothis, the uncertainty of his own existence, an oddity, jsut soemthinf off, uncanny valley in a sea of faces,

OR SOMETHINF. I DONT KNWO

okay kicks archivist vash off the table back to vast desolation

The desolation part o think js. Pretty self explanatory. He is grief and destruction, is literally called the humanoid typhoon, diablo. Surrounding him is nothing close to semblance of peace and safety , the trail he leaves behind is naught but that of loss, promises of vengeance. Ig. Yk. Shrug emoji

Vash’s staunch pacifist nature clashes against this . Colossal all encompassing force that is him . Nuclear baby or whatever. I need to shut up

. Extinction knives ….

I’m running out of typing juice GELP

Knives’ actions that led to the great fsll is. Without the great fall plants would’ve probbalt not been exploited to the extent they were because people wouldn’t have been forced to run them to the ground while they scramble for survival on a planet as gunsmoke

In a way, the “end/extinction” of his plant kin was caused by him. which. is

right so we agree that knives anger and hatred comes from fear right. Like. It’s how he copes. What he chooses to do with this fear. channels it into a weapon

The discovery of Tesla ,,, do you think after waking up he thought about seeing vash in that pod . Or seeing his withered crumbling body broken into pieces through eyes that float outside his skull.

So. To protect those he love from that fate, he has to erase the other factor from the equation right. Change the outcome. Drastically

The great fall was a sharp veer off course for humans, and what follows is scrambling for order

Knives embodies the extinction by trying to change that order. I thjnk . Yk. I’m. Okay I’m actually out of juice my brain is slow like. Like molasses dripping off a spoon (said in Tommy Coolatta’s voice)

Team rocket is blasting off aga💥

[worseandworser]

Oh! Just found you from some reblogging! Gonna go through your awesome stuff some more :3 in the meantime, since your ask box is open, would you mind doing something small for royed with magic?

hello, anon :3

I wasn’t really sure what kind of magic you were thinking here, but I tried my best! And… this is around 1,000 words-long so… it’s not a drabble…

Summary: It was kind of hard to take him seriously now, though. The blue uniform was loose over shoulders that were not that broad anymore, and he had to roll the legs of the pants up a bit so he wouldn’t trip. The slightly chubbier cheeks softened the arrogant demeanor he usually carried around, and earlier on Ed had spotted freckles on the bridge of his nose. He looked… well…

Not really that bad.

Rating: Teen and Up

Warnings/tags: teenage!Roy

read on ao3

Edward really hadn’t intended for this to happen. It was just a joke, dammit, he hadn’t even put that much time into the reading. How could he have guessed it would actually work? And yet, Roy Mustang kept glaring at him like it was his fault.

It was kind of hard to take him seriously now, though. The blue uniform was loose over shoulders that were not that broad anymore, and he had to roll the legs of the pants up a bit so he wouldn’t trip. The slightly chubbier cheeks softened the arrogant demeanor he usually carried around, and earlier on Ed had spotted freckles on the bridge of his nose. He looked… well…

Not really that bad.

Ed had always guessed that an awkward appearance was a mandatory part of being a teenager and, apparently, Roy had none of that. A bit lanky, yes, but the movements of his body lacked that clumsiness typical of the age. He kept the ladykiller air – girlkiller air now, Ed thought with amusement – and everything about him screamed mean cool kid and fuck Roy Mustang for being attractive even when he was younger.

“You are going to fix this, Fullmetal, I have a meeting early tomorrow and–”

Yep, still the same bastard, though.

“Okay, okay!” Ed said, throwing his hands up in an act of exasperation “I’ll fix it, I’m working on it!”

“Then work harder!”

“I would, if you would stop bitchin’ like a–” He cut himself before saying a highly indelicate offense.

Roy squinted his eyes at him. “Like a what, Edward?”

The blond ignored him and went back to the book. They sat on the man’s personal library’s floor, legs crossed and books all around. Ed was becoming increasingly annoyed at Roy’s behavior – snorting, rolling his eyes, complaining – and distraught because he seemed to be the only one committed to the research.

He really couldn’t understand any of it. The whole thing bordered human transmutation and sounded ridiculously like magic. Artemis, Chasca, Persephone, Blodeuwedd… The array itself looked like a ritualistic symbol. And yet, it flared with blue light the moment it made contact with the man’s �� currently teen’s – skin.

So many go through life trying to achieve eternal youth and yet Ed had rewound Roy Mustang as a joke.

“Could you please stop staring at me, I’m trying to concentrate here.”

The raven-haired groaned. “God, I can’t talk, I can’t look, what do you want me to do? Hide in the basement?”

That would be a very good an idea.

“You can read this,” he threw a book in the other’s direction, “and see if it’s got something useful.”

And it was silent for around half an hour.

Then Roy slammed the book on the ground.

“Fullmetal, this is not alchemy!”

Ed sighed. “I know that already! It’s like reading instructions to some metaphysical–”

“That’s not– Edward, this is not alchemy, it’s a blessing!”

He turned to Roy, jumping like a scared animal, and the ma–boy was grinning widely, looking himself like the cat who caught the canary. “I am not so sure you’ll want to fix it, though.”

“A blessing?! You’ve lost your goddamn mind? What the fuck are you even– I do want to fix this!”

“Are you sure of that?”

“Yes, you asshole, it’s my fucking mess to fix!”

“I would totally understand if you didn’t want to.”

“What the fuck, Mustang? I already said I do!”

Roy stared at him somberly, but his cheeks were twitching as if he was restraining a smile. “Would you do anything?”

“Yes, you bastard!”

“Literally anything?”

“I already said yes, you id–”

Mustang was on him before the remaining syllables could be spoken, lips on his and knees on each side of his hips. Ed was static for a few moments before he tried to shove the other away and off of his lap, but the raven-haired circled Ed’s neck with his arms and pressed himself the closest possible to the boy underneath him. Ed let out a noise of complaint, and Roy took the opportunity to slide his tongue past the blond’s lips and deepen the kiss.

It really wasn’t the most unpleasant experience ever. Roy kissed with dexterity, and the feel of short nails scratching at his nape was… okay-ish. Ed fisted the other’s loose clothes and, finally, relented. They were kissing now, and that was way better. A nice and eager dance of lips and tongues that had Ed sighing in a good way, so he slid his hands around Roy’s slim waist and pulled lightly. Roy made a very agreeing sound and moved his hips slowly and oh shit fuck shitEd shoved him hard.

“What the actual fu–”

Roy pouted and Ed just wanted to bite his lips off. “You said you’d do anything, Ed.”

“Don’t you fucking Ed me, you shit, you never call me that!” He had to take a deep breath because Mustang on his lap was highly distracting. “And– and how the fuck does this has to do with anything?!”

The Flame Alchemist tilted his head to the side and frowned as if Edward had said something incomprehensible.

“Didn’t you get by the symbolism?”

Ed shoved him again but no results. “What fucking symbolism?!”

Roy giggled and fingered Edward’s braid loose, playing with the strands like it was the most natural thing.

“Really? The Goddesses? The flowers? You really have no idea?” Ed shook his head negatively and Roy smiled before carrying on. “It all goes back to the idea of purity and maidens, Edward, it means that in truth, you didn’t turn me into a teenager, but to a virgin.”

How could he say all that without blushing remained a complete mystery to Edward, who was blushing like a proper virgin.

“And now, to fix your own mess, you are supposed to purge me of all my innocence,” Roy slid his lips up Ed’s neck and then bit his earlobe, and Ed shivered from head to toe, “In other words, I need you to fuck me.”

Edward opened his mouth to protest but Roy’s lips got there before the words could.

[toptecharena]

I was 12 weeks pregnant at the time. As my uterus grew and my bladder seemed to shrink, I didn’t mind peeing ’round the clock.

“It’s honestly kind of fun having to go to the bathroom a million times a day right now,” I remember saying to my husband.

I was 12 weeks pregnant at the time. As my uterus grew and my bladder seemed to shrink, I didn’t mind peeing ’round the clock. That’s because, for the past 26 years of my life, I’ve been running to the bathroom for very different reasons.

I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease-an inflammatory bowel disease characterized largely by intense stomach cramping, diarrhea, and frequent “urgency” (a.k.a. “I need a bathroom right this second”) when I was 7 years old.

Since then, it’s been 26 years of unpredictability, 26 years of wondering if this disease will ever be cured, and 26 years of trial and error with various medications, supplements, diets, and lifestyles.

It has also meant that, for 26 years, I had no idea whether I’d ever become a mother.

My pediatric gastroenterologist was the first one to tell me that I may not be able to get pregnant because of Crohn’s.

Back then, that news didn’t really affect me-all I cared about was spending less time in the bathroom and more time at dance class.

“How could I have a child when I couldn’t even take care of myself?”

Honestly, for most of my life, my Crohn’s and flares weren’t all that dramatic and usually quickly went away with a dose of the steroid Prednisone.

But when I went away to college, I started having major flares. My Crohn’s seemed relentless; I spent many dark days convinced I’d never be stronger than this disease.

  During my most recent flare, thoughts of starting a family terrified me.

In 2016, I experienced a Crohn’s flare that lasted about a year. It sent me into a deep depression and kept me apartment-bound for weeks at a time.

My husband and I had loosely discussed starting a family (aside from that pediatric gastroenterologist, no other doctors led me to believe my Crohn’s could cause infertility), but how could I have a child when I couldn’t even take care of myself?

What would happen when I was home alone with an infant who needed to be fed, bathed, comforted, or changed, and I couldn’t get myself out of the bathroom?

I’d always wanted to have children, but at that point in my life, it seemed incomprehensible.

During one of my many appointments with my gastroenterologist, I mentioned that, in spite of my current state, my husband and I were interested in growing our family at some point. I just wanted to know what my options were, and what he thought.

  “You’ll probably have a really hard time getting pregnant for a while,” he told me in September 2017. Since my body had been under so much stress for so long, he explained that I likely wouldn’t get pregnant until I was in a period of remission (a.k.a., no Crohn’s symptoms).

Honestly, I didn’t think much of it at the time. In that moment, I was so consumed with trying to get my flare under control that I wasn’t exactly dying to get home and start charting my periods and ovulation cycles.

Still, his words lingered in my head.

As it turns out, my body had other plans: I’m currently 29 weeks pregnant.

By October 2017, my flare started to subside. By December, I’d never felt better, both physically and emotionally. And once 2018 debuted, I felt great. My marriage was rock-solid, and my health was finally cooperating.

“I couldn’t believe that, after years of feeling at odds with my body, we were getting along.”

My husband and I never decided to officially start “trying.” We just got really lucky.

On February 15, I was on the treadmill at Orangetheory and I had to stop running-not to bolt to the bathroom (for once), but to hold onto my boobs. They were killing me. I felt just not-normal enough to go home and take a pregnancy test. It was positive.

I felt nothing but pure joy and surprise-and Crohn’s was the last thing on my mind, which only added to my overwhelming happiness.

My first trimester was amazing-I went through every day in disbelief.

I couldn’t believe that, after 26 years of feeling at odds with my body, we were finally getting along. It was doing the thing doctors told me it may not be able to do-the thing that, both with or without chronic illnesses, so many women aren’t able to do. I felt like the luckiest person on the planet.

  I even found a midwife who’s familiar with the disease and is willing to work with my gastroenterologist, which has been incredibly comforting.

When I got through the first 12 weeks of my pregnancy with no Crohn’s symptoms, my doctors believed I might finish my pregnancy Crohn’s-free. (For some women, pregnancy keeps their Crohn’s at bay; for others, hormones and a lowered immune system can exacerbate it.)

Everything was going perfectly-until a few weeks ago.

I am now in the middle of a mild Crohn’s flare-while pregnant.

At first, I was hoping the diarrhea and urgency were pregnancy-related. I even denied the possibility of a flare for a few weeks, hoping it would pass on it’s own. But because I know my body so well at this point (possibly the only positive of having a chronic disease), I knew Crohn’s wanted to join the pregnancy party.

Despite the fact that I’m spending a whole lot of time in the bathroom right now-Crohn’s plus a shrinking bladder really adds up!-this flare is different.

“I’m so grateful to be in this position, that I’m not letting (a lot of) diarrhea get me down.”

For one, it’s not the worst flare I’ve ever stared down-my symptoms are mostly contained to diarrhea and urgency, and I’m working with both a clinical nutritionist and registered dietitian to get as many nutrients as possible for me and my baby (traditionally healthy foods are hard to digest during a flare). But the biggest change I notice in myself is that I feel grounded, calm, and even hopeful.

I’m not stressing over what will happen if I’m still flaring when the baby gets here. I know that won’t do me any good. Instead, I’m spending every day doing what I can to take care of myself and the tiny human that kicks me and says hi to me all day. I’m so grateful to be in this position that I’m not letting a little (okay, a lot of) diarrhea bring me down.

And while other women on the pregnancy message boards are wondering “how to avoid pooping on the table” during labor, I have to laugh a little. Because let’s be honest, I’m very well acquainted with poop.

I do have one worry that sticks out a bit more than the others: That my daughter will grow up to have Crohn’s disease.

For years, I’ve been told that Crohn’s isn’t genetic. But, as far as I can tell, it seems to be common in siblings-my brother has it too. So it’s tough to believe there isn’t even a small genetic connection.

  I worry that my daughter will get this disease because of something I did, something I ate, something I took (no one really knows what causes Crohn’s)-or simply because I have it. That fear can paralyze me. But from now until October 23 (my due date), I’m harping on the good and the grateful.

If Crohn’s disease has taught me anything, it’s that you can’t always plan life. And sometimes, that’s a good thing.

Alison Feller is a freelance writer and editor living in Weehawken, New Jersey, with her husband and their rescue pup, Ellie. Alison is the creator of the Ali On The Run blog, and the host of the popular Ali On The Run Show podcast. 

Go to Source Author: Women’s Health Odd Enough: ‘My chronic illness made me question whether I’d ever have children’ I was 12 weeks pregnant at the time. As my uterus grew and my bladder seemed to shrink, I didn’t mind peeing ’round the clock.

[akrbinc]

Dear RBOM,

Heya. It's almost the end of the year! I've done quite alot if you think about it. It's been a ride. What I want to tell you this morning is that, life is scary. It comes at you with all these unexpected things that you have no idea what to do with but you have to make it work somehow. At the end of the day, it's me and my thoughts. During the night, it's me and my nightmares/dreams. And everyday Im always on a different train of thought. I can't stop thinking about what I should be doing for my future, why can't I be braver like others, why am I stuck here, so on and so forth. I know that I'm mean sometimes, that I don't care, that I get insensitive, that I say to myself "eh, they treat me like that naman din", so on and so forth. I just want to say, at the end of the day, I myself don't know what to do or how to deal with it. I feel like I'm this small speck in this complicated world, filled with strong ambitions and feelings, and yet so fragile. It's so incomprehensible that simpler meanings are so much better. And when things don't look good, I try to place the story elsewhere. What sinks my heart more, is that even I do write this down, even if I do publish this, even if does get read, it still means nothing. What is my expression of my own feelings to you? People do not care. I was specifically told that by someone who has literally long forgotten about me, despite the friendship we had. It just sucks you know, to be treated like this. Because you realize, that the people you care about can actually do this to you. The closer you get to people, the harder the blow will be. Although I know I'm trusting, but this year, it's been etched in the back of my mind now, that anyone can just do that to me. And it sucks, it really does. They wish for old times, but it's hard when things have changed. I remember writing a few years back about a young girl, who's life changed forever after becoming ... different. And well, things change. I learned that from Terra from Teen Titans, and Lelouch of the Rebellion. Yup. Thus, my only choice is to keep changing, to keep growing. Of course I want it all for the better, but life is not a wish granting factory. I cannot have everything. I cannot keep everything. And that's why time does not wait for anyone. It will keep moving on. I'm not asking for anyone to care, but at least I want to meet someone who could make me forget for a while. If I could sleep, then maybe it would work. I want to run away, so I just might. Tomorrow when I wake up, id have forgotten all of this. This is a note the past me has written, and it might as well be an invalid story of the past. Maybe some truths, but like my life, my notebooks have always been a mess. It's hard to keep up, but I try anyway.

b