#for now it is euthanasia time
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i Forgot to count last mission. that one also
ok new reading order (tentative) is going to be butterfly, euthanasia and mad hatter...... let's see
#for last maybe ?#i do want to read it before the event though...... hmm maybe ill read before mad hatter we'll see#for now it is euthanasia time#i also rly have to read fortune banquet one of these days its kind of criminal that i haven't already#but i don't think i can factor that one on time can i#hummm
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my sweet little baby man is no longer with us
#he had his bloodwork done yesterday and the vet said it was fine but he doesnt have much time left#and my bestie is a vet tech who wanted to see the lab results bc she always does and she looked at them#and asked me if she can shiw them to her boss today and i was like sure and immediately knew something was up#today keekki was being himself#then i went to run some errands and when i came back he was laying in front of the front door with his tiny baby head against it#and i was like ''oh ok one of his seizures?''#and theyre like. keekki will drool and not move and they usually last for like 20 minutes (several vets have no idea whats up with those#but it was probably either a kidney or a blood pressure thing)#anyways. it did not pass in 20 minutes so i Knew#i laid on the floor next to him#then my bff sent me a message asking me if i have the time to talk about keekki and its not good news#at this point i was about to call the vet anyways#and she was like ''ok i showed these to my boss (a vet) and she got super angry that ur vet even let you leave the clinic''#bc apparently keekkis bloodwork was so bad he should have been put down then and there but my vet was like a fresh half graduate#so i dont hold it against her. anyways i got an euthanasia appointment for this evening and spent the time before it laying on the couch#crying with keekki in my arms#i had to carry him bc he couldnt really walk without stumbling and falling down#when i had to get up to get his carrier and stuff ready he was taking a nap on the couch where i left him and i took this pic#anyways worst vet visit of my life i could hardly even do anything but nod half the time bc speaking results in me sobbing#anyways. this fucking sucks#i dont know how ill be able to sleep tonight#its been years since i last slept at home without having a little guy plop into my arms#i spent a long time with him in the vet room when he was gone#it feels surreal ive given him his last ever forehead kisses#as i left the room i told him bye the exact same way ive been saying bye to him for the last very many years ive had him#its always moikka keekki before i go to work or the store or literally anything#and that was my last moikka keekki#i hope he felt how loved he was#my dad is sending me older pics of me and keekki and he looks so happy in them. hes always right next to me#idk man im going to stop rambling now
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One of the cruelest things in this world has to be having to choose between your pet's life and paying your bills
#my aunt's akita has a cancerous tumor#and you would not believe the price of each chemo session#my aunt is a firefighter and a single mother raising a 13yo daughter#the price of each chemo session is almost her full salary#and he's gonna need many#she said he's fine for now and not suffering and the only thing she can do is pay for the euthanasia when the time comes#it's so fucking heartbreaking. he's such a good dog#I thought well maybe she could ask for donations but it would take so many donations just to pay for 1 session#and then what about the next ones yk?#what is she gonna do. get a loan and sink herself further into debt? she's already trying to pay for a house#it's just. not viable#sleep.txt#I have no idea how to process this yk I watched that dog grow up#he's always been my aunt's baby. I hate to think she's gonna lose him to something like this
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#tw suicide#idk i feel like i am probably gonna kms after TIT#i would do it sooner but i asked one of my friends to come with me and it would suck if i made him go alone#and it is something to look forward to which is helping me hang on i guess#but ughhhh once uni starts again in september i know everything is gonna fall apart.#i already got an extension on my thesis due to being a useless shell of a person who can't motivate themselves to do anything atm#but i was supposed to get some work done over the summer and have so far done nothing#hence why i want to kms before i have to talk to my fucking supervisors again and admit yet again that i simply cannot do this 😭#and it's not just this. my executive dysfunction has been so bad over the past couple of years and it's only getting worse#to the point where i can't imagine being able to work at all. and if i can't work i can't get out of my parents house#and then what the fuck is the point.#every time i see someone on here talking about bonding with their parents over dnp I'm like damn what's it like#to have parents who actually want to talk to you DSFGJJKL i know they let me live in their house at my big age#but that's only bc id literally be homeless otherwise and they're not like evil. they just don't love me#also went through a deeply embarrassing breakup recently#tl;dr ive been in love with this person for over a decade and i thought they were the dan to my phil or vice versa.#then after 10 years they left me and i'll spare the details but it has me wondering if they ever loved me#i thought it was a “let's live together and get a cat one day” relationship#but now i feel like for them. it was just a “sex and video games” type situation#i am trying soooo hard to at least be creative bc that makes me happy sometimes but it's hard to not be overly critical of myself#and now im getting to a point where i can barely even find any joy in this space any more. for a bunch of reasons#most of which revolve around me being extremely sensitive. and this is like my last bastion of dopamine so that fucking sucks#idk i don't see the point in my life any more. a social worker actually told me recently that i should consider euthanasia so.#it's just completely over for me i fear#this is not even mentioning all the damn migraines. and all the other ways in which my body simply doesn't work properly#sorry for this weird ass vent I'm not in therapy any more bc i couldn't find a therapist willing to treat me+all my diagnoses at this point#and im scared my friends will stop wanting to talk to me if i talk to them about this. several of them already have#the 2 friends i have left anyway. that's a whole other thing. when they said it's hard for autistic ppl to make friends i took that persona#so uh at this point it's vent here or develop a substance abuse problem. and im already halfway to having a substance abuse problem#anyway dan and phil for the love of god please fucking post something tonight. unfortunately you are my only hope
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I know I’ve been posting a lot of non miraculous related things so quick apology for that cause this blog is focused primarily on ml lol, but I just wanted to share my dog, Pip. We got her when I was barely more than a year old, and we put her down this morning at the ripe old age of 17. She was named Pink Petal by my older sister who was around 4 at the time, but we called her Pippy. Losing my childhood dog is hard, and plenty of tears have and will be shed, but I want to share her and her cuteness. She loved wearing sweaters and pajamas, all her favorite color, pink. She had one ear that stood up and one that folded over itself, it was her signature. I love her and already miss her so much, please go give your doggies a hug and kiss from me and Pip 💕
#carpetbug talks#not ml#personal#dog#tw euthanasia#tw animal death#sorry not really sure what other tags to use please reach out if you want me to add any#it was time but it’s still hard#she’s camping and running through a meadow right now so it’s all okay
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made the mistake of glancing at my cat while euthanasia by will wood was playing
#will wood#“Now goodnight I love you” kills me EVERY FUCKING TIME#Euthanasia will wood#in case i make it#Really doesn't help my cat was sleeping like a middle aged man watching football#On MY pillow#lil bitch
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Bad news, got back from the vet and my beautiful baby son is going to have to be put down soon, probably tomorrow or the next day, so send him best of wishes for his next few days~ Luckily, he's actually not in a lot of pain (for now, hopefully he won't be) and is acting pretty normal, so I'm hoping he won't suffer at all and everything will be peaceful for him.
#pet death tw#death mention#let me know if I need any other tags#I would post something to help pay for his euthanasia expenses or etc. but I don't know of any secure methods#since I don't know much about stuff like that. I've heard that like on paypal and ebay and stuff people can still get your real name#and some information from their payment receipts or whatever sutff like that. thats part of why I've held off on selling clothes and sculpt#res for so long is trying to find a way to do it that's the most safe. aside from literall yhaving to start an llc and open a business bank#account and run everything on an entirely sepreate thing just so it has no association with my name and etc.#and obviouskly I don't feel like figuring out all of that stuff right now lol#I am busy just trying to make my beautiful meatloaf son comfortable and spend some time with him whilst I can#It's sad. but I'm glad the issues were caught before he was in terrible pain or anything. So suprisingly it was actually a pretty easy#decision. I would rather him go out while he's feeling okay and relatively content then wait until he's in severe#pain or extremely lethargic or etc. So it seems all very sudden but . It's better that way for him.#anyway#of COURSE this has to happen during a heat wave also.. hhrgghhh...#more fuel for my vendetta against summer lol.. Not that it's the season's fault but. something bad happening in the winter#vs. seomthing bad happening in the summer which just adds an extra layer of 'oh yeah on top of everything else#you're going to be sweating and nauseous and chronically uncomfortable!' is like.. >:T#Also for him. part of the issue is lung cancer which has spread and caused a bunch of fluid to build up in his stomach (which is what I#noticed. even though he's acting perfectly fine and normal his stomach was weird and bloated suddenly)#but if part of the problem is his lungs (which look absolutely crazy on xray) then him breathing in hot shitty thick air is definitely#not as comfortable as if he were able to be nice and cool and snuggled in some blankets. etc. etc.#ANYWAY ghhb... send him much luck and positivity!! Really hoping he can make it through the next day or so without#taking a turn for the worst. So hopeing for a peaceful quiet exit and not like tramatic sudden things. etc. etc.#cross your fingers pray to your gods whisper to the night sky so on and so forth. whatever you do that's meaningful to you.
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Had to say goodbye to my dog Reggie today, 16 years with him and we couldn’t let him be in pain anymore
He had the first seizure he ever had in his life last night, and just didn’t get better; He was dazed and wasn’t taking food or water, it would have just put him under so much stress and pain if we did all those scans and possible surgeries, medications affected him way to harshly for just calming him for a trip to the groomers now
It hurts, he’s the first dog we’ve had so long and having to make the family decision to let him go was so hard
Just wanted to get this out somewhere, it’s been such a hard day, and the silence in our house is just so crushing right now
Reggie was such a smart, sassy, and sweet spunky lil guy, well loved by everyone in our house, and he was more than just a pet
He was our family
We’re missing him terribly already, but we know he knew he was loved until the end, we all stayed with him as it was done; it was painless and quick
Doesn’t mean it hurts any less, but we know he’s not hurting anymore
Rest well sweet Reggie, Auntie came to get you
Feb 2007-Oct 2023
#tw pet death#tw euthanasia#tw pet loss#cillie's babble#shut up cillie no one cares#I know people won’t really care or know too much about my dog#I didn’t really talk about him much on here#but this is the only place I feel ok sharing this right now#grieving is never gonna easier is it?#I just want my dog back but that isn’t going to happen#he was getting up there in age but I wasn’t ready to say goodbye so soon#are we ever really ready to goodbye at any time?
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2015-2016. The Academic Despair Year. Afterwards I transformed.
Accurate representation of me on my couch watching subtitled media:
It’s not so bad.
Hashtag Thing Life or whatever.
the last time i felt like a person was in 2019
#Now I’m just a husk having abandoned all dreams of material wealth comfort in old age and a job that doesn’t make me feel suicidal.#the times suck#and they’re not even interesting#but I do enjoy loitering in the fandoms#so… there’s that#and the dream of easy access to euthanasia without having to prove some terminal disease#just let me die when I’m ready how long do I have to drag this carcus around
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Bug help
I'm a hobbiest whose raised butterflies for a few years now and need help on identifying an abnormal behavior I've seen some of my specimens exhibit; the wings completely invert their position, instead of closed over the back they close over the legs, and this is usually accompanied by the proboscis being fully extended, something I've noticed other specimens doing shortly before death. If anyone could give me any information on what this is or what triggers it, I would be very grateful.
Examples under the cut, a cloudless sulphur and a gulf fritillary:
#bugblr#bugs#butterflies#it looks so painful every time it happens and they seem to have no quality of life :( I'm afraid it's an injury?#i have an atala butterfly that emerged with a broken wing that's doing this right now and I'm heavily considering euthanasia#i feel so awful having to do it but it can't eat and can't rest and i don't want to just leave it to suffer until the end#whenever that may be; any help or info would be wonderful#shai speaks
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New Scotland Yard: Nothing to Live For (2.1, LWT, 1972)
"Any sign of her in there?"
"No. Odds are against it, I suppose."
"What, being there?"
"Being alive."
#new scotland yard#nothing to live for#classic tv#1972#tony hoare#bryan izzard#john woodvine#john carlisle#lynn farleigh#philip madoc#mark jones#charles morgan#raymond adamson#john peel#stephen white#peter kenton#victor harrington#john tatham#NSY's second series debuted just 3 months after the first had finished; presumably audiences still had the events of 1.13 fresh in their#minds and so not a huge amount of time is spent raking over why exactly Carlisle is in uniform and now working for the traffic unit (in old#tv cop shows‚ a fate worse than death; it makes you wonder who exactly Does work in the traffic units and why they aren't in a constant#state of furious rebellion at their apparently miserable station in life). of course things are quickly sorted out so that he's back with#old pal Woodvine... well‚ they do at least seem to find each other tolerable company here. he's been demoted to sergeant tho‚ so we'll see#if that sticks. the case of the week is a rather sad one about a dead child and the possibility that euthanasia was involved; this is#cleared up but becomes another kind of case when Madoc's grieving father snaps and grabs a gun. old fave Phil is very very good here#giving the kind of subtly moving performance he so often did. Farleigh fares less well; she's very good but this script is quite nakedly#misogynistic I'm afraid‚ with her character variously depicted as a neurotic mother in denial‚ a vengeful scorned woman‚ or a needlessly#spiteful cuckolding wife. it's a pretty hateful bit of writing which stands out like a sore thumb compared to the empathy the script#affords Madoc and Mark Jones (as the Other Man‚ who just happens to be the late child's biological father).#particularly disappointing bc Hoare's work on the series (and on other shows like Villains) was previously so well written and nuanced
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being on tumblr so much I almost forget being autistic or at least viewing autistic people as people isn't the norm in the rest of the internet. just saw a youtube comment section that reminded me of that :(
#one thread went on FOREVER with people going back and forth about whether it would be worse to have an autistic family member or to lose one#people saying shit like “real autism destroys families. if you can read this you're not really autistic”#like BRO where the fuck did you get that information#and then the topic of euthanasia came up#a part of me wanted to join in the argument and refute those with first person accounts and scholarly sources#because that's what I used to do all the time as a tween. just arguing against ablists and trolls in youtube comments all day#but I'm older and more mature now so rant about it on tumblr instead
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Instant messaging Hippo while listening to COUNTER/Weight while doing my physical therapy. It's like it's 2017 again.
#I don't remember if I ever listened to C/w while doing PT and messaging her the last time.#The only episode I for sure remember doing PT to was the euthanasia Second Citadel episode that sent me deeper into depression than I had#been in years.#Also half of these exercises are the same as then. Which is embarrassing for me.#personal#learning to function#liveblogging stories#Doing it in my sister's bedroom instead of my bedroom because my bedroom is now too full of stuff.#Sad. :(
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i just can't believe he's actually gone (vent in tags related to animal death,, please proceed w/ caution)
#i held him until i felt him go cold#he was so brave. he was such a good boy today. and now hes gone and it hurts so bad but i didnt want him to be in pain anymore#he couldnt even stand up on his own anymore#i stop crying for a few minutes/hours and then it hits me again and im bawling#i just. i was five years old when we got him. in a way it feels like hes my oldest friend#and now my oldest friend is gone and isnt coming back#and yet i still dont think its fully set in. even though i felt him stop breathing#i dont remember the last time i cried this much#connor.vtxt#im sorry i had to get this out. it hurts so bad & im just. sitting here#cw euthanasia#tw euthanasia#im just glad i got to be there. i dont think i would ever forgive myself if i wasnt there when he needed me most
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Also here are the things I've manifested so you know I'm not just all talk
ending no contact with multiple people
my amazing, perfect boyfriend 🩷
a new phone for free
the exact headphones I wanted also for free 😌
physical appearance - everyone says I got so much prettier even though I haven't done anything with my appearance
my idol reached out to me on instagram and now we're friends
multiple times i got money and different gifts for "being pretty" - men literally message me and ask me if they can send me money or if I have an amazon wishlist because they want to buy me stuff
free trips to different places, including Disneyland in Tokyo and different beautiful cities in Europe
people in my life love spoiling me - i got so many beautiful gifts and they always insist on paying for my stuff
my boyfriend's dog was really sick and scheduled for euthanasia earlier this year but i kept affirming that she's okay and she's still alive and well today 🩷
I manifested multiple things for my loved ones - them getting better jobs, health improvement, new relationships, passed exams and other great stuff
These are just the things I remember and are worth mentioning! 🩷
#law of assumption#manifesting#law of attraction#law of manifestation#loa#loa blog#loa tumblr#loablr#loassumption#manifest your dreams#manifest your life#manifest your reality#manifestation
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Please help save my cat's life
My poor sweet boy Dunkin managed to find and eat a Nerf dart under the couch or something, and now he has a blockage in his small intestine. He's been vomiting profusely and it is clear that he very likely will require surgery. He's currently under the observation of a veterinarian, but even if the blockage does pass on it has already cost me nearly $2000 just for the overnight stay. If it does come to surgery, it will require anywhere from $3500 to $7225 dollars.
I am permanently disabled on SSI, receiving not even a thousand dollars per month. I, under rule of law, am not even allowed to possess more than $2000 at a time. It is only with the help of my roommate, whose PayPal address I will provide below, that I was able to get Dunkin to a vet in the first place - but if he requires further care I do not even know if I would be able to afford euthanasia.
Please, if you can afford to spare a few dollars, please help save the life of the sweetest, most loving, most intelligent cat I have ever had the pleasure to know. I don't know what I'll do without him if he can't make it. Thank you for even reading this post so far and if you can't donate anything please consider sharing it to help save my cat. Thank you so, so much.
$1932/$4124
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