#for lack of a better term i just can't be normal about it anymore

[iamthemaestro]

had a character development moment today where I realized maybe I simply do not have a healthy relationship to classical music anymore

[burningcheese-merchant]

Hi, you're the first person on Tumblr I ever asked (still don't know how it works)

But how does Nutmeg Tiger feel about the kids in your Beast Redemption canon? Golden Cheese? Burning Spice and how he changed so much?

My "actually sitting down and answering asks" bender continues lol.

Nutmeg Tiger was quite shocked and confused when she noticed her master start to change. She's been fed the same stories about him all her life, had the same thoughts and expectations drilled into her skull as all the other Wild Spices. They favor the strong. Burning Spice favors the strong. Their raison d'être is power, battle, and bloodshed, and anyone who stands in their master's way must be destroyed, in keeping with the wanton destruction Burning Spice always craved.

But... Golden Cheese. That woman... That bird. Nutmeg was aware of her master's fixation on her from the get-go (it creeped her out a lot sometimes, but she always held her tongue), and obeyed when he demanded the bird be brought to him. She hated Golden Cheese almost by instinct, for any enemy of her master was an enemy of hers. She was outraged whenever Golden insulted him, and tried to escape his clutches, and when she actually defeated him (now THAT was a shock. She always thought her master was invincible. How could this be?). But she stood by and continued obeying his commands, even after that illusion she'd had of him being unstoppable was shattered. It was all she could do, in all honesty, for she never knew anything else.

But Burning Spice kept going after her. First to fight - but not even for the Soul Jam, just for fun. When Nutmeg tried to question this, Spice shut her down with prejudice and without explaining himself. She never asked again after that; she only had one head, she couldn't afford to lose it... And regardless, he was her master, and she cannot and must not question him.

...But then he started doing more than just fighting Golden Cheese. He started just... talking to her. Spending time with her. His infatuation with her was ever-present, but Nutmeg saw it slowly evolve from entirely selfish and deranged (even Nutmeg thought he was a psycho lol) to more tempered, healthy and genuine. Furthermore, Spice himself began to... calm down, for lack of a better term. He became more somber. More subdued. He seemed lost in thought often, when he was back home. His words and tone of voice began to lose some of their bite. He didn't want to go on hunts or destroy things as much anymore. If Nutmeg Tiger had it in her to say it - to anyone at all, including to herself - Spice almost seemed... depressed.

And it was Golden Cheese's fault, Nutmeg Tiger was certain. She was doing something to her master. In addition to stealing his power AND his heart, she has stolen his spirit - and for this, Nutmeg Tiger only hated her more. Greedy, haughty, conniving bird. If only Burning Spice had succeeded in killing her when he had the chance (she does not know or understand that he never wanted this in the first place; if Golden died, who would entertain him?)...

Worse still was when her master started bringing her there. He started bringing Golden Cheese back to Beast-Yeast, back to the Spice Ridge, to visit the Wild Spices. What- what even- what is this? What nonsense is this? He's bringing their sworn nemesis around like it's normal! Like he's bringing his girlfriend home to his family! (Which unironically is what he's doing lol that sly dog) And the other spices are OKAY WITH THIS! THEY ENJOY SEEING HER! THEY WARM UP TO HER AND LAY DOWN THEIR ARMS ALMOST INSTANTLY! Fools! Weaklings! Cowards, all of them! Is she the only one with any backbone left?! Is she the only one who sees and remembers the bird's treachery?!

Of COURSE Nutmeg Tiger is angry when she actually realizes that Burning Spice has well and truly fallen in love with Golden Cheese - and that Golden Cheese has fallen for him in turn, and thus they'd begun a relationship. She can't really say she's shocked, not anymore (probably not back then, either, her master was down BAD), but she certainly is appalled. In fact, Nutmeg almost feels... betrayed. All of that time and hard work, the blood and sweat and tears, spent on trying to follow HIS orders. LIVES were lost in the pursuit of this thief! And he just... shrugs it off? Shoves them all aside so he can pretend he's a good person and walk off into the sunset holding hands with their enemy? It's honestly insulting. Hurtful, even. The Wild Spices were fools, and now Burning Spice was the king of fools.

She remains resistant to everything for a very long time. Nutmeg Tiger is nothing, absolutely nothing at all, if not principled (read: stubborn). She does not accept her master's change of heart. She is not happy like the other Wild Spices are when he stops mistreating them and actually starts behaving like a proper king/leader. She only engages with Golden Cheese and her entourage (they start coming around too, and she hates it and them, that hooded servant that reeks of smoke most of all) to snap and snarl at them. She does not approve of Spice's relationship with Golden, even if he's genuinely happy - the sort of happiness she's never seen him express before. The kind brought by something light and warm, not the starved, manic, ephemeral glee that came with the carving of flesh and bone by his axe. It's anathema to everything she's ever known. It's an attack on her people, her way of life, HER. Perhaps everyone else has bent the knee to Golden Cheese, but she won't. Even if she's the last one on Earthbread who doesn't.

Except... She ends up bending the knee, too. Last one in line, but even so. When you're forced to hang around people all the time, it starts to reflect on you in some way. Especially if those people refuse to leave you alone, and seem to make an honest effort to speak to you and interact with you and get to know you. Especially that damn bird. Never any anger or malice on her face or in her voice... Did she not remember their rivalry? The pain they inflicted on one another? How can she still treat Nutmeg this way? Why is she being nice to her?

...Nutmeg Tiger never forgot that day. That moment where Golden Cheese condemned Burning Spice for ignoring Nutmeg while she was injured. They didn't even know each other. They were at war. Nutmeg was trying to hurt her. And yet, Golden still spoke up. She still stood up for her. Nutmeg Tiger has never known real kindness, be it giving any to others or receiving it... And there was someone giving her some, even if she herself could argue that it was undeserved. Golden had already driven a nail into Nutmeg's coffin by doing that... And all these visits from her, every attempt at conversation and fun and honest friendship, was just another nail. They stung, but Nutmeg was no stranger to pain... Only this pain kept building until not even she could endure it anymore.

Thus, slowly but surely, with the help and kindness of Golden Cheese and those beside her, Nutmeg Tiger, too, learned to change. Like Spice, she ended up confused. Depressed. She had a crisis of conscience and identity that took a long time to resolve. But when she did, she came out of it all the better, finally realizing the error of her ways and joining everyone else in the light. Perhaps she cannot undo her past actions - none of them can - but forward is the only way one can go regardless. And now, she finally wants to, and there are people there willing to help her along. To say no would be another wrongdoing.

She's happy at Spice and Golden's wedding. She welcomes the unification of their peoples. She accepts Golden Cheese and the others as friends (how strange it still is, to have "friends"...). She proudly serves her master still - both masters now.

And she loves the children like her own. She's the grumpy aunt that takes things too seriously and has a temper, but they still adore her (and vice versa). She helps train them (it is now her life's mission to ensure they become the greatest warriors to ever live lol). She'll carry them around on her back if they ask. She likes when they spend time in the nutmeg tribe. They are Wild Spices just like the rest of them. (She wasn't there when Pepper Jack was born, regrettably; she made it to the GCK a few days later. But she WAS there when Matar Paneer was born. Now THAT was a crazy day lol)

So yeah, there you have it. Nutmeg Tiger gets redeemed, too. Slower than Burning Spice (which is fundamentally absurd lol), but even so. She comes around to everything eventually.

And maybe she starts paying closer attention to "that servant who reeks of smoke"...

[tabr1-s]

sunday rant and personal frustrations with him that i begun to write at 6am running on an entire 3 and a half hours of sleep (my cats woke me up.....)

(tldr at the end. i might be as bad as Sunday in terms of yap mileage (yappage) but i'll do one better than him and provide you with the concise version if you scroll all the way down.)

i have never felt such intense emotions about a character's moral viewpoint... Ever. and i've liked characters that were mass murderers before. morals (or lack thereof) usually never played a significant role in whether i liked a character or not (unless they did something i considered worse than plain ol murder, then i wouldn't associate with them), and 99% of the time i could find the character's motivations understandable under the circumstances that they were in.

and, technically, i can understand where Sunday is coming from too.

but that doesn't stop me from being Absolutely pissed at him.

(sunday-esque yap about myself incoming, i will eventually get to the point (which i will highlight))

as someone who has been told that i have "ocd features" Multiple times by my psychiatrist (practically each session) i understand the need for control. my obsessiveness manifests in the form of feeling the need to control practically everything - my current obsession for control being my own emotions, which extends to needing to control entire situations, and in turn makes me severely overthink all the possible outcomes to those given situations. i've also been guilty of controlling others before, and having the mentality of "i know what's best for you". hell, i still feel like that a lot, but i really try to push it back.

and this need for "control" is mainly the reason why i even find comfort in fiction. because it's oftentimes very predictable to me (it also made me think of how i do not find any interest in reading books, but i love writing stories of my own. particularly fan-fiction. and the only time i can feel comfortable enough to feel romance is towards fictional characters - because i control the narrative! it's something to think about.). if i like a character or a narrative, it's easy for me to pick apart where the writers will go with that story. and, even if the story turns out to disappoint me/be different than what i hoped for, i would still be Prepared for that possibility.

i somehow... failed to prepare for what would happen with Sunday.

i had set my sights on the wrong thing for 2.2. i invested my whole energy on trying to comfort myself that hoyo wouldn't take the ipc colonialism route (basically turning out to be capitalist/colonialist apologists) with penacony (which i Guess will be explored in 2.3? but now that i have some more context on the story and how it's unraveling i'm not as anxious about it anymore), that i overlooked a lot of other things that could've gone wrong.

namely, my favourite hsr character to be... Like that. (i'm not even being intentionally vague. i'm just dumbfounded)

i had Heard of the theory that Sunday is possessed by Ena (which didn't particularly make sense to me, and i refused to look at leaks concerning Sunday lest they upset me. either way i Really hated that theory. plus, Sunday being said to have ocd would've been an incredibly cheap way to foreshadow that he's "possessed" by the Order. you can't just create your first(?) important/playable character that has a confirmed mental illness and then go "it's okay actually he's Normal! he was just possessed". i took this very personally. and still am.), and saw a lot of theories concerning his involvement with the Order as well. i shut it all out, because i didn't like the implications of that.

which in turn made me Not think/comfort myself regarding the possibilities that he truly Was connected to the Order.

...

well, rest in pieces, me - it's always the things i don't pay much attention to/ignore/fail to think about. which is actually a bit strange because i was not expecting him to be an entirely sane person from the start - he was a politician type, a leader, and a manipulator, to name a few things. that much was obvious. in 2.0-2.1 i wouldn't have been surprised if it turned out that he was the one that "killed" Robin. again, nothing was out of the question. but, 2.1 showed a different side of him. one that cared for his sister and (seemingly) listened to her and cared about what she thought. so they became quite a comforting little sibling duo to me. tragic, yet you could depend on their mutual trust in eachother... or so i thought.

and then he... went and did all That. which just showed me how, despite him caring for his sister, he was still putting other things above her.

to conclude with my yap: in a sense, he is just my "grim reflection of the self". and although i feel sympathetic towards my past self and how naive and selfish i used to be, there are some flaws of mine i will never forgive myself for. and, Sunday, in a way, reminded me of... Everything. it was almost triggering.

(hey, writing this all down in one place helped me calm down! (it's a neverending cycle that will continue tomorrow. all it will take is seeing a post concerning him and his sister and i'll get pissed anew) yay!)

the point(s) (aka my qualms):

- how sunday manipulated robin + was planning to use her in the charmony festival to complete his plan. she was going to be an unwilling participant in creating a "utopia" that she would've been absolutely against, but he didn't stop to fucking. fill her in, maybe? talk it out? the sheer disrespect on the concept of free will and on the fact that your own sister is a human being of her own sickens me

- he should've cherished the relationship he had with her (x1000 because that's the ONE FAMILY MEMBER YOU HAD LEFT AND THAT IS SUCH A PRIVILEGE!!! IMAGINE HAVING SOMEONE CARE ABOUT YOU WHOLEHEARTEDLY AND THEN YOU GO AND THROW IT AWAY!!! YEAH I'VE ALMOST DONE THE SAME EXACT THING MULTIPLE TIMES (AND STILL WOULD) BUT THAT'S WHY I ALSO KNOW HOW MUCH OF AN ASSHOLE MOVE IT IS!!!)

- he forsook his own self and shoved down his own biases and interests (fucking rat. you can't change the fact you're human and i'm very much saying that from experience) to become something Grander than life itself and in fucking turn isolated himself and shut out the one person who actually cared and then had the Gall to complain about being misunderstood/alone. (when you're finally sitting in your unreachable throne in this "dream" that you've created, who will you blame for being lonely? who will you blame when you have no one to fall back into? no one to support you? when everybody you did this for forsakes You?)

- HE DIDN'T EVEN HUG ROBIN BACK AT THE LAST SCENE. LIKE SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR FAILED PLANS AND COME DOWN FROM THE CLOUDS A LITTLE - THE JOY YOU SEEK FOR IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!

- all i hoped for was that sunday and robin would reunite and get the chance to be happy together, and the only true reason i'm mad is because i'm guilty of a lot of the same self sacrificial behaviours as him and very much understand the sentiment of "my loved ones would be better off without my negative presence and influence". but instead of empathizing with him, i feel betrayed. i thought he was better than me. i thought he was someone worthy of admiration, and that doesn't come easily from me. despite all the warning signs i fell for his obvious facade, and i Very rarely get taken by surprise - especially in a way like this.

- if it wasn't for the fact that Robin would feel sad if Sunday died i would personally go and strangle him myself

tldr; i'm just a big baby that placed a lot of faith on Sunday and his relationship with Robin post 2.1 and my ego took a Huge hit once he turned out to be just some immature emo idealist type. (come on, man - i genuinely thought you were better than me! someone worthy of respect! and i usually have a feeling of superiority over others! this was the biggest compliment/act of faith i could give! (talking to a wall (fictional character (I'M FUCKING UPSET))))

[autisticlee]

I did my first case manager meeting to try to get help for autism/disability. we talked about what I need/what she can help me with and about goals for us to meet.

I guess her job is to work towards helping me ~improve my skills and become independent to where i no longer need help~

anyone else have a case manager? is that standard?

because....the problem is I AM technically independent now. I never get help or support and have been forced to do things alone my whole life despite how overwhelming and frustrating and exhausting it is. it's too hard and takes too much out of me. things never go right or get worse and it takes me so long to recover from simple/normal things

so I think I need constant help to make things easier because my issues aren't really things I can work on improving, that im aware of. pretty sure they're things i'm stuck with for life. I can't make my autism go away fbbdhhfhdjdd

that's how all these types of things seem to work. all the help/support things are always meant to be temporary. it's "work to improve so you don't need help anymore" rather than just getting the help and support you lack and need so you can have a more stable life and easier time when your disability is for life 😭 like how physical therapy is "get your injury better so you no longer need pt" and not "manage your life long condition and keep it monitored so it doesn't get worse"

so I think I still need to trick someone into being my life partner to help me through life lmao but she said she can help me find local things to go to and try to make connections and meet people so maybe I can trick people into being my friends and doing things for me fhfhddgdhjsskI

know her job isn't like long term take care of me and my issues but that's what I feel I need. I don't think I can train myself to make phone calls easier, train my auditory processing and sensory issues away, mask my autism away, etc. so what do I do? try to improve these things anyway and burn out even more like last time i tried to appear "more independent" while trying to get some help?

this is the only "autism help/support" available at all! and it's not even autism specific. the lack of help and support for autism is appalling. she explained her job and services are for people with mental health disorders like anxiety to give them skills and make them more confident and independent. autism isn't a disorder that can be overcome. so....?????? idk I just try anyway I guess? I have no other options 😭

I was told a case manager is supposed to help coordinate with places for me like make phone calls/appointments, go to appointments to communicate to doctors for me. but she says she can do that, but ultimately her job is to teach me how to do it myself. I know how in theory since i've been forced to do everything for almost 15 years with no help. but I just struggle and nothing goes right and I keep burning out so fast and so intensely that I completely lose even simple skills like showering regularly 😭

guess I misunderstood how it's supposed to work or something and not sure how to approach it besides try to force myself to learn how to not be overwhelmed and overstimulated and bad at everything?????

anyone else, autistic especially, do case management and have advice? want to share your journey? how did it help you? did it improve your struggles? did you gain the ability to do things alone easily like make phone calls and drive and process conversation and remember words and control burnout and sensory overload?

[aita-blorbos]

AITA for singlehandedly ruining my brother's life with my complacency?

For context, I (20NB) was frequently psychologically tormented by an entity that takes the form of a forest/state park near my town (no clue how old it is or if it has a gender) for a few years when I was a teenager, and once it had eroded my humanity enough it turned me into an extension of its power. It let me keep my free will, if you choose to believe in things like that, so when I was eighteen I fled to a different state under the guise of going to college, hoping that distancing myself would weaken the entity's grip on me. It didn't, but at least I was 600 miles away from it now, and I made sure to keep myself isolated from everyone else at college so I couldn't hurt them.

Fast-forward to last January. After two years at college, I found out about a kind of... medication, we'll call it, that I thought would loosen the entity's grip on me. The medicine functions by fogging over your memories of supernatural things existing, inducing a sort of... weaponized executive dysfunction, for lack of a better phrase? Anyway, that stops you from acting on your knowledge, which exploits the fact that these sorts of entities don't care about much other than how people who know they exist choose to act on this information- so, if you're physically unable to act on your knowledge they exist (which you barely remember anyway), they can't affect you. After giving the medication a trial run, I went back to my hometown to visit my brother N (17M).

Since I'm not all that human anymore, I found out early on that the entity retained its hold on me and was able to pull me back towards the state park even when I was medicated, but it never did anything once it'd got me there, so I got cocky and figured it must not be capable of affecting me past that. Plus, the entity had never done anything to anyone but me before, at least not that I knew of, so I'd spent years figuring I was its only victim and getting complacent because of that... and if it did finally kill me one of those times, I honestly think I would've welcomed it. Things were fine at first, though the entity somehow managed to break down the medication's effects once or twice, and I got to feel like a normal person again for the first time since middle school. But after a few weeks, the entity broke through the medicine's effects again and revealed to me that its real target had been N the whole time. That was why it kept pulling me back to the state park while the medicine was preventing me from consciously realizing what a bad idea that was: it wanted to get ahold of N, who I'd been bringing with me the whole time like an idiot because I still thought I was the entity's sole target. To make matters worse, when it told me this it was referring to N with the same kind of title it'd given me, which I knew it wouldn't have done if it wasn't absolutely sure I wouldn't be able to remove its influence from him.

I panicked and rushed N back to his car, which was when I had the idea that maybe if I overdosed him on the medication I'd been using, he'd go from mere brain fog to outright amnesia. I was still panicking and didn't take the time to think that idea through, so I just tackled N, shoved a bunch of my pills down his throat, and ran. I was too afraid of what I might see if I stuck around to make sure he was okay long-term (I guess it was kind of a Schrodinger's cat mentality or something?), so I went back to college and tried to pretend none of it happened. I did keep an eye on the news from our town and didn't see anything alarming, and that was enough that I could lie to myself that maybe N was miraculously fine.

N did end up forgetting the time I'd spent back in our hometown as planned, but I forgot to account for the fact that he'd been recording videos during almost all of the times we went to the state park, wanting to use them as B-roll for a film class project. He didn't even make it a month before finding those recordings on his camera and starting to piece things together on his own, during which his mental health and personal life started falling apart for obvious reasons. (He also started getting intermittently stalked by an unrelated entity during this time, but it's more a pest than anything else, I've already got plans for disposing of it.) Once I found out about all this, I came back to our hometown to clear things up for N, especially making sure he was aware that all of it was my fault: I wasn't about to pretend I'd been controlled by the entity the whole time or something, he deserved the whole truth. I'm pretty sure he's only tolerating my presence now because he needs my knowledge about how supernatural things work. It hurts, but it's not like I was expecting him to take it well, so I'm not planning to stick around once I've made sure he knows everything he needs to.

That's everything important. The answer seems pretty obvious, if you ask me, but... AITA?

[phanfictioncatalogue]

Banter (2) Masterlist

part one

50 notes to unbox (ao3) - dylaesthetics

Summary: Dan moves out of his parent's home to start university and his older lifelong best friend Phil is rather an efficient help when it comes to helping Dan unpack, as well as a regular visitor of Dan's studio. What happens when Phil stumbles upon Dan's piggy bank for university savings he crafted as a child and finds it a new purpose? What happens when the truth comes out when it's so needed?

OR an overly cute, long and coming of age multiple part one shot you better read now.

April Fools Fic (ao3) - Merrydith

Summary: This whole thing started out as a joke. Phil hadn’t meant any harm. He just wanted Dan to know that he could also pull a cheeky prank..

behind the curtain (ao3) - resurrectdead

Summary: Dan adores pink and is playing Satine in the school production of Moulin Rouge. Phil cherishes black and just happens to be good at doing some bombass makeup. Fate brings them together.

Bury Your Flame (ao3) - worriedpeach (skeletonflowers)

Summary: After receiving a dragon egg when his grandfather passed away, Phil is forced to ask for help from the local dragon tamer. As he soon finds out, Dan Howell is nothing he’s been expecting. Infuriating, ludicrous, and completely lacking respect, Dan is everything Phil hates. But Phil will do anything to make his grandfather proud, even if that means getting help from the local cluck.

Dungaree Sex (A Valentines Day Fic) (ao3) - Merrydith

Summary: Dan realized that breaking up with Phil was a terrible mistake. Valentines Day was coming up again and he still loved his ex. But of course, with Dan's luck, he was about to open his mouth and tell Phil about his revelation, when Phil blurted out that he had met someone else. (Taking place right after the Pastel Edits IRL video.)

Ever Read A Fanfic Like That? (ao3) - Merrydith

Summary: He might be drunk, but he knew a bad idea when he heard it. He wasn’t going to let his best friend read a smutty fic to him like some bloody bedtime story. He remembered the Tumblr tag video and even that was too much...

Jealousy in a Less Obvious Form (ao3) - razortotherozary

Summary: Phil looked at his door briefly and then back at the camera. "Also," he said, pausing for a few seconds and taking another big breath. "I'm in love with someone. Though, they don't know it." Phil looked slightly sad in this moment, glancing at the ground. "And they'd hate me forever if they found out."

Maybe I miss you (ao3) - Misha_with_wings

Summary: Phil leaves Dan for several months to temporarily live in New York City and work on a movie set.

The distance between them drove them both insane, but neither of them could voice the reason why.

When Dan comes to visit Phil in New York his feelings are threatened to spill after an encounter with one of Phil's new friends, but he keeps lying- to both Phil and himself.

Hopefully he can eventually tell the truth, because Phil gets another long-term job opportunity in California and Dan can't take any more distance.

Missing (ao3) - Misha_with_wings

Summary: "So we have a new update on the serial killer running loose around London-" Dan turns the tv off, he didn't want to hear anymore. He just wanted Phil back home, safe and sound.

My Shipwrecked Heart (ao3) - outphan

Summary: After his heart gets broken, Dan Howell decides to chase one of his dreams: he enters a competition to go on a Mediterranean cruise! It comes true and along the way, something even better happens.

Pretty Tough (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: Phil’s a special agent. Dan's a model. Under normal circumanstances, they would never collide. But one day, Phil gets the model in trouble and has to keep him safe.

REAL hugs are coming (ao3) - natigail

Summary: Anonymous asked: I'm sending REAL hugs. B prepared. They are coming! danisnotonfire answered: thank u

Dan confessed to his online friend that he was really craving a hug but he most certainly didn’t expect to find a kind and handsome stranger suddenly standing outside of his door.

snuggle up close, let me hold your pieces in place, even if just for a night (ao3) - natigail

Summary: It was just one thing after another really.

Broken down bus with a whole class of freshers. Dingy hotel room that was cold as fuck. No one wanting to share a room with Dan.

But then the TA Phil stepped up to the plate and defended Dan. Of course, it meant that the two of them ended up sharing a bed, and then the heater had to break. It's the perfect excuse for sharing body warmth and confessions.

Special Delivery (ao3) - phantasticworks (steddieworks)

Summary: Dan Howell receives a package he definitely didn't order, but the man who did order it is... well, he's rather interesting. And the object he's ordered... well, it's odd, to say the least.

The 5 Year Plan (ao3) - Misha_with_wings

Summary: After a string of heartbreaks and meaningless hookups with other people Dan and Phil make a pact.

If they aren’t settled down with anyone in five years they’ll get married to each other.

Unnatural Selection (ao3) - PetalsandPhan (orphan_account)

Summary: Prince Phillip has never had a friend in his life. Controlled by his father, Phil is forced into going on a difficult journey to find the hidden princess. But when Phil is accompanied by the servant Dan, will their friendship blossom into something more, something forbidden and unheard of?

[rororxns]

Hey there @nuxsvibe how are you? I saw your Game IV was open and wanted to join in.

I would really like to choose the option no. B "Clarity"

My intials : T.Z

Details on the situation :

I wanted ask about a friend, more like an acquaintance now. We meet when were in elementary school, long time ago. Ik it sounds stupid but really When i met him i felt as if i saw him somewhere or like i meet him before even though i Never recall seeing or meeting him before. It was all so weird. He WAS such a good friend to me.. Well our good friendship is no longer there, crushes are never good and it turned sour. We don't talk anymore. It was completely one sided but idk i always felt very connected to him. We synchronised alot, it's like if i was experiencing something some days later he would also experience similar sort of thing. I just can't believe, there were too many coincidences like that. He was a person who made a very significant impact on me, i was never the same.

For exchange :

idk what is your relationship to person M but i think he/she sees you as a friend. Like a normal friend. He/she don't particularly have any hard feelings in regards to you. I think now they just want to be by themselves. I think the relationship you guys may have is very platonic in terms to them. One thing i feel called to tell you is that to not rush things or to be patient, to wait it out. Focusing on yourself will be better for now.

Thank youuu so much for hosting the game. I appreciate all your time and energy. Let me know if my exchange was relatable?? I am still learning how to channel and that would be very helpful. Thank you once again!!!

Take care & sending alots of warmth 🐳🤍

hi I'm good.

thank you for the exchange.

b. clarity - what do you need to know about the old connection/situation with E

Four of Pentacles one of you might be having a tough time letting the connection go.. the cards are saying the connection has become something that is no longer nurturing for either of you. there is lack, (5 of Pentacles) like a wilted leaf, it's time to let go. it could be you aren't really defending yourself you need more boundaries than now (9 of Wands reversed). you're like The Empress you need to nurture yourself. you need to move on (8 of Cups) and I promise you'll feel better when you do. it could be it's on your mind a lot and it's causing stress and you need to just move on. I understand you are attached to them but let go of what no longer serves or deserves (I heard deserves) you. I asked what will happen if you let go and got two Page cards, Page of Wands and Page of Pentacles, you will have a fresh start and begin something you need to work on. here's to letting go and starting anew, you can do this✨

please leave feedback

[13eyond13]

DISREGARD MY LAST ASK JUST SAW YOU ALREADY DID LIGHT!! how about matsuda instead?

I don't mind doing more for Light too! 😁 I'll do both:

LIGHT + Realistic Headcanon: he actually never had a one-on-one sleepover with a guy friend before sharing a room with L the Yotsuba Arc, because though he was popular with a lot of his classmates he normally never got past a fairly superficial level of friendship with anybody else

LIGHT + Not Necessarily Realistic, but Hilarious Headcanon: Light keeps a fluffy pink bath towel in the bathroom that he rage screams into whenever he's frustrated by his unsatisfying domestic partnership with Misa (and he doesn't know that she often uses this towel to clip her toenails onto as well)

LIGHT + Heartcrushing Headcanon: Sachiko keeps his bedroom exactly as it was whenever he lived there, and she and Sayu keep it locked and barely ever go into that room anymore because the memories of him are still so strong in it and so painful to relive

LIGHT + Disregarding Canon Headcanon: can't really think of much else for this one! I love most of the canon stuff about Light

--

MATSUDA + Realistic Headcanon: he isn't a virgin anymore, but he's never had a long-term romantic relationship of any kind either, and at age 25 is still pretty close to being that inexperienced. He exaggerates his own romantic and sexual expertise a little and patronizes Ide about his own lack of dating experience during the successor arc because it makes him feel a bit better about himself

MATSUDA + Not Necessarily Realistic, but Hilarious Headcanon: he keeps a scrapbook of all the exciting clippings about the Kira investigation like an excited mom, and that's partially why he was so disappointed that the fake news article about his fake death was so small

MATSUDA + Heartcrushing Headcanon: he's struggling with a drinking habit at the end of the series due to not fully processing all the Kira case grief and trauma, like Light and Soichiro's deaths

MATSUDA + Disregarding Canon Headcanon: I think he's probably a bit more of a serious character now in the wake of the Kira case than just going straight back to the comic relief himbo he seems to be in some of the later one-shots set in the present day

[headcanon ask meme]

[toastingpencils37]

So, I, as a teenager, know that it is a normal thing for teenagers to date.

However, due to my lack of desire for a romantic relationship whatsoever (due to the fact that I'm probably orchidromantic & all the logical parts of my brain telling me that I would not be a good girlfriend, because I know me & I know I would not be able to give up time, money, and space for a significant other & that I just can't see myself happy in a relationship) it's actually strange to me when people date.

Like, I know that 16 year olds date, as well as people much younger, but then there's me like, "Damn, my age group's dating already?"

(and I've come to terms with the fact that I'll probably be like this in my 20's as well, knowing full damn well people have been marrying & dating for the past few years while I'm just sitting there confused as hell wondering why everyone's marrying already)

And honestly, even as an elementary schooler when I'd have crushes on people - and I'd have multiple crushes at once - there'd occasionally be times where I'd daydream about when my crush & I are married, but I never actually thought or daydreamed of actually dating them. And as I grew older, I started noticing that when I'd have crushes, I wouldn't want to date them or be in any romantic relationship with them, or want them to know I actually like them, but would rather only be close to them platonically.

(Though it is strange that I haven't had a crush since I turned 15. Because I remember a week or two after my birthday realizing I didn't have a crush on a certain guy anymore, & I haven't had any crushes since then)

Also, I started growing more afraid that once, while I have a crush on someone, they have feelings for me back, and want to date me, orrrr, even worse, they know I have feelings for them (which is pretty far-fetched because I don't like telling anyone I have a crush on someone until after I'm over it, because that's just embarrassing as fuck to me. And I've somehow gotten much better at concealing I have crushes on other people) and then try to date me, but I decline, pissing them off. And since I'm a women, they might get all "Oh, she's playing hard to get", when I actually just don't want to date them

[allmothsdied]

.

My diary...

(Trigger warming...)

.

.

.

.

.

(Me with me talk)

I'm feeling sick, like this pretty weird kind of sick. Not really sure what's going on... I'm hot and cold at the same time. Or more like... I think I have an internal fever, but I have chills on the surface of my skin. I also feel this weird tingling, not just in my fingertips or hands and feet, but kind of everywhere, in my whole body. And my head is spinning.

I tried to take a nap, but I remained half-asleep, half-conscious, I perceived all the surrounding sounds and movements, but I was not able to react to them and wake up completely. I think I was a little delirious from dreams that I had several at once.

I feel like throwing up, even after drinking, which normally doesn't happen to me. I don't know what's wrong... Or how to make it stop. I don't like it. It's not normal, like not even for me.

Maybe it's from the extreme lack of sleep in the last few days combined with general long term sleep deprivation. I don't know...

Oh don't be lying.

Don't be fucking lying to yourself! U know damn well why u're feeling like shit today/or in general.

You are malnourished, maybe not extremely, but for a long time. Your body is exhausted. And so damn tired.

And today you ate full plate of meal and made yourself throw up everything right away.

Also, it's been months since you stopped eating one full meal at a time without purging.

And a few slices of cheese with lot of vitamin pills and about two liters of coke a day is hardly enough to keep you alive...

Fuck, aren't you tired of it yet?

Aren't you tired of this shit yet?! Aren't you tired of yourself?

Almost ten years of this ED madness... Ten fucking year u hear me?! Ten! And you're not a child anymore! You are adult now and still can't do any better.

I am so damn fucking tired of you! U can't even try... U can't even want to get better. What the fuck is wrong with you? Huh?

Oh god you are lost case. Incurable. So hopeless. So desperately fucking hopeless. No wonder everyone gave up with you. You gave up with yourself first!

Damn why do you keep doing this shit!?!

I just...I can't stop... I just... can't care enough... I can't stop myself...

[darlingpwease]

"you're just the type of brat that no one can love for this," :((( /ht not an attack?! It is!! My sleep will probably get better soon >:(( I do need to sleep a lot, but school will be out in a few weeks so I can sleep then. You need to be sleeping well also!! ...you should, please <33

I do believe it!! That's one of the things I will happily repeat to you /gen /neu I mean to tease you, but I don't mean to be mean :// ... :0 ah, true... you should definitely do that first. Then once you get proper diagnosis on how severe your head injury is, you must lay down and take proper medicine and care until you feel better and have a clear mind <33 WHAT, No???? How did u come to that conclusion??? /hj

On the brightside, it's not that bad rn. So you'd just be hitting ur head for nothing ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ /t my closet is locked tho so ur stuck now <333

I feel like it makes it more embarrassing, especially since you said you were worried about that happening as well <//333 I hope you at least rest well, I'll be up all night in terror /hj I'm... I'm just letting you know that it's okay if you do forget <333 we already have really nice memories and can keep getting more <<333

I'm the sly charmer?! Says you,, AAHHHH SHUSHHH SHHH STOP NO MORE PLEASEEE ....(;﹏;)

...can we please talk this out??? /ht??? /kinda /not really /please ♡

-panna cotta

that's right, darling, no one likes a brat, especially one as stubborn and teasing as you ://// /t /¾nsrs It's not an attack if I didn't attack first, and I didn't attack first, so... <3333 your what? what? I'm not sure you understand the meaning of the word "sleep"; you know, it's when people rest, well, you know, rest normally, as you should, for example, if you were a good cocotta (⁠*⁠・⁠～⁠・⁠*⁠) 'probably' pfff sjhdhdhdhd /t I'm not such a baby like you anymore, sweetest, sleep can't help me much in growth (although considering how many times you've already missed the opportunity to grow up due to lack of dreams, I don't think it's already relevant for you), but I'm sure I sleep more than you :/// besides, who are you kidding, when school ends and summer begins, the last thing you will do is sleep :////////

... the second and third things is the 'need to lay me down' and that 'you are constantly forced to defend yourself from my mean words and teeth', hmmm? /t /j of course, you don't mean to behave meanly, you're just behaving meanly :/// I have rested, but my opinion and words have not changed; what will you offer me now?🤨🤨🤨 /j this /hj tone betrays your red hands, meanie :/// /t

wha? wha are ya sayin'? I'm sory, but I don't 'nderstand ya, I think the blow to ur stubornes made me an 'merican. it would be "nothing" if I crashed into your consciousness about the importance of taking care of yourself, because you definitely don't have it :/// help stepbro im— do you think it's going to stop me from getting to your ankle??? so cocky & silly </3333 I've already crawled under your blanket, find me♡ ;333 /t /j

yes, so I'm glad that I was a little bit luckier of the two of us~ <3 /t /nsrs I hope so, because I prefer to bite scared little bunnies~ <333 /t /hj do we have? but you said that you and I don't know each other well and don't know each other well and aren't close enough, so how can I let go of this little precious memory of us that exists so little??? /t />:3333 hehehe>;333

of course!!! you're a sly little sweet talker who keeps wagging his fox tail as if no one sees him</333 If I were more innocent and naive, I'd think you were serious, but I know you</3333 what exactly should I 'not talk more'? about the fact that you sent me a pretty raw message without a small text where you left a nice note for yourself and let us all see it~? /t

hehehe, then what are the terms of the deal?<3333 /t /j /nsrs /not that it could help you /but I'll give you a chance♡

[lambsearandlavender]

So... my January.

Got incredibly badly triggered in therapy. Had decided in advance to give myself a week off and so just, raw dogged reliving some serious fucking trauma in that time. Think like...I thought my attachments were secure and I unsurfaced a memory that literally took my closest, safest, most loving relationship and snapped it in half. One of two people I trust to never leave or hurt me. And the other one is dead.

So then I didn't sleep for 2 weeks.

So I missed a lot of work.

And I already have intermittent fmla in saying I can miss one day a week because of my pnes seizures. And some weeks I use that for panic attacks instead but whatever. Anyway, lack of sleep and increased panic attacks.

Then right when I was getting better, I got covid. I avoided it for 3 years, but when you work in a school and no one wears masks or takes tests or even stays home when they're sick anymore, well, it's going to happen.

Anyway that means I missed more work. And I'm still very sick and actually only confirmed today at urgent care that it's covid (I knew, but none of my coworkers will take a test anymore because they don't want to have to stay home or they just don't think it could possibly be covid for whatever reason).

And so, in the end, I missed literally 50% of my work days in January. And i am doing fucking everything I can. I am working my ass off as much as is possible, physically without aggravating my cfs/whatever else, mentally while intentionally aggravating my trauma and pnes to heal it long term. There is not a single thing I can be doing better in my life right now. But it's not working, it's all falling apart. I'm a fucking wreck.

My therapist agrees that I'm doing everything i can, which i guess is nice validation because i keep beating myself up over it. Today she told me I'm strong for logging into therapy, with covid, having had a panic attack earlier today, after 2 weeks of not sleeping much. She was like wow, and at your baseline on top of all that you're in pain, but you still logged in to therapy? But what am I supposed to do? My baseline is bad. Things right now are worse. But they never go any better than bad, and I have a home and bills to pay and a job to keep. I need therapy to get better. I know it will sometimes make me worse on the way to better. So you bet your ass I'm going to be there and do that work because it's the only alternative I see to suicide.

That reminds me that I've also gone through all of this fully unmedicated; no antidepressants, heart meds, pain managers, adhd meds, no combating my fatigue, none of it because I was supposed to be off them for a tilt table test tomorrow that I now have to reschedule. And tbh I've actually been really proud of myself because the lack of sleep and anxiety are bad, but they're trauma, and I feel like aside from the trauma responses, my un medicated baseline is better than normal rn? Which is wild because life sucks rn.

Normally on a good day, even a fantastic day, without meds I seriously want to die. Really truly can't stop thinking about it, want to be dead. But the last two weeks it only crosses my mind like twice a day and never too seriously or for too long. That's huge.

But then, back to work - obviously I can't be missing 50%. And unfortunately I don't do the kind of job you can just reduce your hours at, it's full time or nothing. So this isn't sustainable. But there is literally nothing more or better I can be doing about it right now. But today I got an email from hr about obviously being out of compliance with my fmla and that I need to update the paperwork or whatever or there will be disciplinary action.

I guess I have to email my doctor tomorrow. Idk. I'm a fucking mess. I might have more panic attacks about it before I get any sleep tonight. Sigh.

Anyway I also can't really afford to um. Lose my income. But the only thing I can think of to do is fight to finish The school year and then work my ass off over the summer to finish my doula certification and start my business so that at least I have more flexibility and no bosses to answer to about my illness. But. I have to do all that fighting to stay afloat and then all that working my ass off while continuing to be extremely physically and mentally ill, disabled, and dealing with trauma and ptsd. So.

That's when I find myself thinking, maybe I should just die. The odds are so very very against me in every way. I'm tired. I'm working so hard and I'm so burned out and I'm tired. And right now I feel very alone in it.

[feepingcreature]

Maybe this could be a nifty place to go with it: mahou shoujo-ing is - not quite yet - but being on its way to being normalized to the point you can just put out a call for applicants, but somehow it's become this sort of normal-to-low-status occupation? Like, everyone agrees that some people have to transform and fight the forces of evil but do they have to be so ... *so* about it, you know? So falling in yuri with a magical girl would be sort of like bringing home a plumber. Like a trade 9-to-5.

The question is, sure it's an umbrella corporation that hires magical girls. How does this not just make it the TSAB? Well, the TSAB basically doesn't exist, at least in the first one, right? It's an organization but it doesn't have any organizational concerns. You don't see Nanoha meeting with politicians to secure funding for long-term Jewel Seed storage. It's just flavor, just lore background to explain why we have space aliens, characterize the setting as magical sci-fi. It's as present as Weyland-Yutani in Alien.

So that's boring. It can't just be this, it has to be that magical girls being a corporate job is somehow driving a departure from the norm - for the setting, and for telling a magical girl story. It'd be easy to turn this into a parody of corporatism - the magical girl that hasn't transformed for three months cause she keeps being asked to clean up the artifact warehouse, the time somebody got fired because she averted the apocalypse and so missed a critical meeting - I mean, you could write this with ChatGPT, it's a completely established narrative, but then you're not really taking advantage of the magical girl side of things. So maybe you turn it around and ask, well, how does being a corporate drone affect magical girl plots? How can you form a magical girl squad if your girls keep leaving or being promoted? Do this outsourced online quiz so we can rate your Linker Core on your matrix chart. How do you exhaustively document dealing with the psychological quirks of a particular villain? How do you handle that you promised a dark magical girl that you'd take care of her if she came along but the company has concerns about a gap in her employment record? Or for how long has the company not even been about saving the world anymore? What if your boss comes in your office and says "okay, we're getting out of villains, villains don't pay, we're gonna specialize in mooks only?" How does this change if you're actually really good at area clear? And does the Dark Kingdom also have a corporate structure? How do you save the world if it's objectively the case the villains are using an incentive model that is aligned with their end goals and you are painfully aware that your company does not? Do you go fund a magical girl startup? How long is your runway if you need grief cleansing?

But all of that is actually not the most interesting aspect to me, because being a corporate drone isn't socially glamorous. Everybody here implicitly accepts that magical girls are special and good and intrinsically valuable, which is why they deserve good things happening to them. Even Madoka embraces this unquestioningly, then merely milks the contrast with the actual events for drama. What if this society does not value magical girls, not in a "they hate you because they don't understand" but just in an occupational way? There's no lack of them and they're interchangeable so they sort of degrade to being kind of cringe in a chuuni way. Like, what if somebody genuinely reacts better to "stress at work, my boss was really on my case" to "I almost died when Thaumovore Group accidentally collapsed the reality bubble they put their dark energy factory in"? What if you describe your awesome rainbow finisher and the reaction is "yeah okay but why rainbows though" and now you have to explain why you dedicated 0.3% of your energy output to kind of cringe theming? What if you realize that all the love and adoration you always felt inherently belonged to this job was just ... something that existed in your very specific bubble, and nobody else agrees?

Would any of this be fun to read, or would it be too painful? Idk.

Magilumiere magical girls ltd. A girl looking for a job is recruited by an organization that focuses on sensing our magical girls to fight monsters.

Does this manga's premise sound good or bad?

depends on what "sensing our magical girls to fight monsters" means

it implies something more complex than "the company employs magical girls, who fight monsters" but I have no idea what that is

[obsidiancreates]

An Interpretation Of DHMIS 6: PTSD, Living With Trauma, and The Cycle Of Abuse

When it comes to DHMIS, especially the Webseries version, I like to keep my view of it Nebulous. I don't like having any one True Interpretation/Theory because to me, the magic of the series is in the lack of answers/clarity. That being said, I do have a favorite personal interpritation, which is this: the webseries is it's a great examination, by intent or by accident, of abuse, trauma, and PTSD.

I don't think that was the intent in it's creation, of course. I like to leave the interpretation nebulous, it can all mean anything- it *does* mean anything, everything, nothing. But it's certainly an easy lens to view the series through. This post specifically focuses on this idea in relation to Episode 6, however.

So, when we begin the episode, Yellow Guy is alone now. Duck died, Red Guy left. He's alone with The Teachers, continuing to undergo the torment. He's stuck in the active abuse still.

Red Guy is now in a boring office with people who just... don't understand him. Going with our theme, this is him trying to fit into the normal, expected life and actions despite all that he's gone through. And he tries his best, but his experiences have left him Changed, and his coworkers and peers just... can't connect with him. Not that they really try, mind you, but the point here is he is emotionally isolated. He's been through something none of them can understand. When he tries to express some of his feelings, he gets rejected. They think his singing file idea is boring. When he takes to the stage they all boo him off. He's not palatable to them anymore.

And then he sees Roy, and literally the world just... falls apart around him, and suddenly he's back in the world he escaped from. Following our theme here, I'd say it's a representation of being triggered.

He's acting differently because of what he endured, and the people around him don't understand it. They find it odd, unlikeable. Then he sees something that reminds him of what he went through, and everything else vanishes, and he's right back there, going through it all again.

He finds the control panel and sees Yellow Guy still undergoing the torment. He frantically starts messing with it, changing what's happening to Yellow. Again, since we're intentionally interpreting everything to fit this theme of PTSD/abuse/trauma, this can viewed as a representation of the cycle of abuse. Red Guy is trying to help, but is instead making things worse, inflicting the same horrors on Yellow Guy but in a different way. He doesn't mean to! But he's also not stopping! Through our chosen lens this makes a fantastic representation of how abuse cycles are often not perpetuated fully on purpose. If someone hasn't processed, healed... they can do a lot of damage without ever intending to, maybe even while actively trying to avoid it and trying to help.

Roy comes out of the shadows, puts a hand on Red Guy's shoulder, startles him and so Red Guy stops messing with the panel. Now, Roy's and Red Guy's interaction could represent a lot of things here. It could be coming to terms with your trauma and being able to stop taking your feelings about it out on others. It could be the way your trauma is always lingering at the back of your mind, affecting how you interact with others, and can sneak up on you with more intense episodes out of nowhere. It could even be seen as an abuser feeling pride or satisfaction that their victim is doing the same to others, even unintentionally. Viewing it through the lens we are, these all work for what happens next. Red Guy notices the plug, and pulls it.

"I wonder what will happen," he says. Again, many ways to interpret this from the idea we're going with here, but my favorite is it could be interpreted as Red Guy realizing he's perpetuating the cycle and deciding to stop it somehow. The ending of them all being their previously mentioned favorite color, to me, means things are Better. Red Guy did something good, and now things are better, and healing can be done.

Maybe Red Guy started over and these are their descendants, benefitting from the healing done. Maybe it's them, finally able to move beyond what happened to them and that's why the day finally changes on the calendar, they're finally able to live their lives without being stuck in that cycle.

Maybe it needn't be so literal and linear and it just... means something changed. Could be for better, could be for worse. But it's changed, at least.

I hope this makes sense, I tried to edit it and like, organize it better, but I'll be real I've been having the worst insomnia lately and I'm like, hanging on by a thread lol.

[amysubmits]

I came for the spankings and stayed for the ADHD... Seriously, I learn from your blog, about how others think, and negotiating consent, and more, when you share sometimes. Your response on ADHD today got me searching your blog for that term, and wow -- I think I might have it to a degree. People have said... The hyper-focus (at times) etc. I was surprised you AND CD both have it. How does it manifest for you both, and especially CD in his role as a dom? How do you best work with it?

Aww, thank you!

Sorry it's taken me a while to get to your ask.

I have multiple mental health diagnosis' that I got at 13, so it's sometimes hard for me to know what symptoms or struggles are due to each one, vs what is 'just me' or what is normal or whatever. So take this all with a grain of salt...but what I think of my ADHD as being is basically forgetfulness, being overly sensitive to criticism or perceived rejection, and kind of general "spaceyness". Some executive dysfunction, but not as much as most with ADHD seem to have?

I'm bad about rushing through projects and half-assing things and I think it's a combination of wanting to rush through boring things to get to more enjoyable things, combined with a fear or failure? Or I remember a psychology class I took said fear of success is actually more common than fear of failure but the two get confused. So maybe it's a fear of success, I don't know. It's almost like selfconsciously, if I rush through something and don't get it perfect, then in my own head can blame it on how I didn't really try my hardest...where it's scarier for me to really try my best and then see where I really stand. I got a's and b's as a kid but often had "not meeting full potential" on my report cards, still. I rushed through my homework, often forgot to put my name on the paper, or would do homework but forget to turn it in, etc. In the winter I'd constantly lose my hat and gloves at school, or my waterbottle or lunch box. I was always hearing about how irresponsible I was. I still am that way, instinctually but I've tried to learn tricks to work around my weaknesses. I'm bad about interupting people in conversations. I'm a non-linear thinker so my conversations get messy, my writing gets messy. I think that's part of why I like to write though, is I get to edit to express myself better than I would when speaking. I'm not 100% sure if it's ADHD related but I have audio processing issues that are pretty bad. If someone starts talking to me unexpectedly there's like a 90% chance I'll have to have them repeat at least the beginning of their sentence because I won't have been able to process it because it takes me too long to transition from thinking about whatever I was thinking about, to switching over to listening to someone well enough to really absorb what they said. It's bad enough that I come off like I have poor hearing, I think.

I was always called spacey or ditzy or air-headed similar things as a kid, and I'm sure people still think that about me now they just don't say it to my face anymore. Something that has always frustrated me about tha is it doesn't seem accurate to me. I'm not "air headed" jus because I can't switch focus. The reason I have a hard time changing focus is because I'm usually overly-focused on whatever I'm thinking about. I's like...how for most people if they're watching an intense scene in a movie, or having a boss battle in a video game, and someone walks in and ask them what they want for dinner, they'll say "huh?" because they can't switch focus fast enough. Except for me it's like that when I'm not watching an exciting movie, I'm just thinking abut work or whatever else. I'm too focused on my own thoughts/feelings/whatever so it's hard for me to 'break away' quickly. So it's kinda like...it doesn't feel like a lack of focus, it's almost like too much focus or a difficulty controlling my focus?

I tried medication as a teen but it made my anxiety way worse, and anxiety has always been a bigger struggle for me. So I've mostly tried to work on it through various ways of tricking myself, and honestly CD has helped me with it quite a bit. I use phone alarms to remind me to take my meds, and a second alarm goes off two hours later that tells me to check my pill organizer to make sure I actually took my meds. I keep a physical planner, notes in my phone, literally a couple of dozen google docs, google calendar notifications, etc to keep myself organized and to remind me of things that I'd likely forget otherwise. I use habitual routies to avoid having to consciously remember things. For example, I 'remember' to do my skincare at night because I do it after brushing my teeth. If I didn't connect them into one routine and tried to 'remember' them as separate tasks, I'd forget one or both. Or when we used to have dogs, I'd remember to give them their meds because each morning I'd get up, let them outside, take my meds, give them their meds, and then feed them breakfast. It's almost like routines can work like muscle memory for me, vs 'real' memory? So, routines are good. But if I get distracted mid-routine like someone were to call me it the middle, odds are high that I'll forget the rest.

So, this plays into our D/s because routine, structure, and a clear power hierarchy gives me my priorities in a clear way. If he tells me what to do, I don't have to decide what I should focus on, what to do first, or when. I get to use his priorities instead of trying to fight my own brain over deciding those things.

On his side...

I talked to CD about his ADHD a little bit the other day so that I could try to kinda answer this for him. He takes medication which helps him a lot. Without it, his primary struggle is executive dysfunction. Maybe some forgetfulness but not a ton. He's the type of person who is very "all in" on something once it's started, but starting is a struggle due to the ADHD. CD is really good at organizing and has always been way better at it than I am. Even before he was on medication, he had a knack for organizing. I think getting and keeping things organized is something that really helps him function better and maybe that's part of why he leans into it so much? And by organization I mean many of the same 'tools' I referenced using - google docs, schedules, phone alarm reminders, etc but he's also good at physically organizing things like cupboards or closets or whatever. But yeah his main ADHD issue is executive dysfunction and procrastination, where when he's medicated he's quite proactive. Prior to meds he'd just delay things and then do them once the 'oh, the deadline is coming' feeling set in, or when he'd randomly get a burst of inspiration, or when he'd get too frustrated by something not being done, etc. So he always got by okay, but he's happier now that the medication helps him to be proactive about things. So, I'd say despite us both having the same diagnosis they present fairly differently.

[wisteria-lodge]

hey wisteria—not shc, and if this is Too Much please feel free to ignore. i guess i was wondering how and when you first came to terms with being autistic? i’m 20ish and in college and coming to suspect i’m neurodivergent, but i guess on some level i’m still hoping it’ll go away. not because there’s anything wrong with it but like… i’m terrified i won’t be taken seriously, or worse, that i’ve been making it up for attention. i don’t want to stick my personal faults onto a diagnosis, yeah? even bringing it up hypothetically started a fight at the dinner table. i know the internal problems that made me wonder: practicing acceptable facial expressions that didn’t match my actual feelings, crushing anxiety when anticipating the work week and social interaction, getting overwhelmed in crowded spaces, too much eye contact or too little… you know. but these never show up in ways that people notice—i’m a top student and chatty and nice-ish. i want to pursue answers, but it just makes me feel more than a little detached from reality, like i’m just overthinking it or lying.

I was probably lucky. That when I was younger I presented as very autistic, too autistic to ignore, enough that my parents went out and got me evaluated for what was called Aspergers then. I was strange. I never looked at people or I stared, I didn't notice when what I was doing didn't match what everyone else was doing, I was bullied constantly, I talked about nothing but Lord of the Rings (appendixes, Silmarillion) for about two years and you would think that I'm exaggerating but I'm not. I have sensory sensitivities that are too extreme to ignore. It would be like trying to ignore cold. Like, sure, you can tough it out for a while. But you literally can't do it forever or your body will shut down.

To me, the core feeling of autism is this sense that everyone else got the rule book, and you were skipped. For a very long time, my worst fear was that I was doing something so staggeringly, so phenomenally, incandescently wrong that no one would tell me because it was just that obvious. That I must know what I was doing. So I learned scripts, I learned how to read people, I learned how to present normally. And I learned how to mask.

But here's the thing, about masking. It's necessary skill to have. But it takes up a lot of energy. For a long time I just... masked, whenever I was around people. And I paid the price and ate the exhaustion on the other end, tucked away where no one could see me. And I did it, because that's what I thought functioning looked like.

But I was wrong. The goal was never 'learn to mask better.' It was to build a life where I don't have to mask in the first place. Crowded spaces, cars, fluorescent lights, specific sounds.... these things are very overwhelming to me, so I built a life where I don't really have to interact with them much. I teach neurodivergent kids, so the fact that I'm weird makes me approachable and fun, and the fact that emotions kind of slide off me makes me a calm sort of rock, especially for the more volatile students. It's a superpower, actually. I just needed to find a way to use it correctly.

But still. I hit points where I think... I'm doing so well, maybe all those old things aren't problems for me anymore. Maybe I felt that way because immaturity, or lack of confidence, or weakness, or stress. Maybe I'm making excuses for myself. Maybe I'm being selfish, and using this condition to excuse bad behavior, when I know that just because your brand of shittiness has a name doesn't make it okay to be shitty.

And so I allow myself into an overwhelming situation. And then I react exactly the same as I always do. I feel young, incapable, broken. I end up hiding in a small, dark, quiet place like a bathroom or a closet. I have put time aside to emotionally recover, before I can start feeling normal again.