#for b - someone i hope will fade from my life and from my heart

[hajicide]

on falling in love during childhood, and never recovering

sitting underneath the californian sun, i realize that i've wanted to kiss you since we were seven and playing on the playground. i scraped my hands and knees that day, tripping on the turf and you looked so worried for me. you helped me pick the little plastic beads off of my skin while i cried for the teacher. you didn't leave even when the snot was dripping down my face and i felt so cared for, so loved, so cherished.

i wanted to kiss you again, in fourth grade. by then the class had divided the cliques into boys and girls, but we still played together. you, me, and our friend named from the constellations. we would pretend to be heroes and villains, cops and robbers. our favorite game was the elements, where i would control wind, he would control fire, and you would control water. we would play on the big kid playground, the one next to the parking lot.

i remember us in class too, a few months before my eleventh birthday. we'd both scored perfectly on the practice spelling quiz, so we didn't have to take the main one. it was just us two that passed, so we spent the twenty minutes the spelling quiz took just sitting on the floor together, reading. i don't know if you remember, but i was being bullied then. but you still looked at me like i was worth something, like i was something to be cared for, cherished, loved, and all that.

i wanted to kiss you again and again, with more and more frequency all through middle school. the day you announced that you were dating one of the older girls from the grade above us, i was destroyed. i made up a fake boyfriend on the spot just so i wouldn't have to hear you talk about her and pretend it didn't hurt. you gave her your first kiss in one of our friend's backyards at night, when the energy of a years-end party started to decline.

you broke up a month later, when she started cheating on you. i didn't tell you then, but i was glad she was a terrible person, because it meant that you were single again. free from her.

i wanted to kiss you again, when our friend invited a small group of us to stay with her and her mom in their cabin on the lake, the one in the mountains. you bought a wooden sword at this variety shop in the village. you still have it, i think, stored away in a closet somewhere. i remember we bothered our friend (the one you considered a cousin) and sat on the arms of her armchair to look at memes she showed us on her phone.

i came out to you on the trip for the first time, afraid of your reaction. i was bisexual, but you didn't really care.

i think i loved you more, then.

in high school we both moved schools. you started to attend high school in another city, an hour away, and i went to the public school by my house. i missed talking to you, seeing you, but we still met up once a month or so. i stopped falling for you -- well, i stopped noticing it at least. i got my first girlfriend the winter of freshman year and i was happy, for a while. then we broke up, got back together, then broke up again. through it all, you were oblivious to the real reason i couldn't love her in the way i should.

i got another girlfriend, then a partner, then a boyfriend, then another girlfriend, then another partner, then another girlfriend, all to distract myself from thoughts of you.

in our final year of high school, you moved back to our city and lied about what district you lived in so you could go to my school. i felt to cared for then, as a friend.

i introduced you to my friends, to my life, to the person i'd become when you were gone. i showed up all my flaws and you'd smiled in the face of them, a sweet and genuine smile. and then you told me that you thought you loved my best friend.

i supported you through it, like i had with every other girl. when you started dating, kissing, loving each other, i was there for you through it all. when she dumped you i was there, holding you hand and rubbing your back through it all. i gave you advice on what to do to win her back, how to show her all the care in the world.

i moved away the next fall, off to a big city across the country so i could get as far away from you as possible. it didn't work. we talked when we could and you crept your way back into my heart without me even realizing it. you asked me to pick sometihng up for you and even though it was a two hour commute from my place, i picked it up for you, just because you asked.

and then i came back for the holiday season. we made plans to meet before i left and we spent the whole day together. we got coffee in the morning and just talked for hours, about anything and everything we could think of. you invited me to the bowling alley to see your brother and your dad and i accepted, so we went. after, i had to pick something up at the grocery store for my dad. you asked to come with me, not wanting to leave just yet. we shopped, talked, and drove around for the better part of three hours, just basking in each other's presence. then you invited me into your house when i went to drop you off at home, and i said yes.

i stayed to meet your dog, stayed to catch up with your mom, and stayed for dinner. you got me a salad, just because you'd remembered that i was a vegetarian

it was all these little things, you remembering my favorite color, my affinity for art and reading, you recalling my love for dogs, that made me fall for you all those years ago.

i tell my friends that i loved you for ten years, from ages four to fourteen, but i never tell that how i got over you. i don't think i ever will

when we talked about my friend, the one you were in love with, you told me that you don't think you'll ever love again. you quoted something you read, about how "guys only ever really fall in love once in their lives, they'll never fall in love with another person" and i understood how you felt then.

i've only ever really fallen in love with someone once in my entire life, and i don't think i'll ever stop loving him. i don't think i'll ever stop loving you.

it's been years since then. we met in 2009, although i don't really remember it. i was visiting my cousin at kindergarten, before i moved into this prison of a small town. you were there, at the back of the line to head to recess. by the fall, i will have loved you for fourteen years.

i don't think i'll ever stop.

notes: um so this is a big word-vomity and for that i am apologetic! usually the stuff i write is so much more polished, but this just kind of sprawled out of my chest in a gas station parking lot. i typed this directly into my notes app and then when i got home, i copy-pasted it into tumblr and hit post haha...

this really is more of an open letter to someone whose attention i crave. it definitely isn't a healthy relationship, i know, but i can't just... abandon 14 years (14!) of care like that. this turned out a lot more rambly and venty than i thought it would so,,, enjoy i guess?

if you read this far, i appreciate it! i love you, and i hope the rest of your life is everything you want it to be. i hope you are loved and you love others with your whole chest. i hope you find the beauty in everything around you. i hope you found the beauty in this grotesque expression of love. i hope you find beauty in love. thank you for reading <3

[sweetkpopmusings]

stray kids soulmate aus | l. minho <3

a/n: minho is for real the love of my life...that gent is so peculiar and he means everything to me <333 i really had to collect myself while writing this because eeeeeeeee my minho feels have been so strong :,,,-) i can't believe the skz soulmate au series is complete now ! i hope they have brought you lots of joy, and thank you for all the kind words you've shared <3333 pics not mine~

content: fluff, soulmate au | wc: 2.3k | warnings: none really! | pairing: soulmate!minho x gn!reader | requests: open

♡ chan | minho | changbin | hyunjin | jisung | felix | seungmin | jeongin ♡

until you meet your soulmate, you receive one object per year that is a clue to who they are.

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

minho’s favorite day of the year was always the day he received his clue about you.

from a young age, minho fell in love with the puzzle of it all. slowly but surely, he developed a ritual for unpacking each clue. he paid attention to every detail, taking thorough notes and letting his mind run wild with theories, no matter how ridiculous they seemed. he recorded everything in a notebook, which was one of his most prized possessions. it chronicled every thought he had about his soulmate, and, whenever he felt sentimental, he’d flip through the pages, smiling fondly as he watched his love turn from something childish into something solid, like the love he felt in his heart now.

minho’s love grew steadily over time, spiking when he received certain clues that were so clearly tied to his soulmate’s personality. once, during his middle school years, the clue was a polaroid you had taken. even though he wasn’t sure what it was of–maybe your bedroom wall or somewhere you spent a lot of time at–minho knew that the image was of a place near and dear to your heart. today, minho flipped through the pages, sighing happily when his eyes rested on that very polaroid. he memorized every centimeter of the image long ago.

unboxing today’s clue felt no different from all the unboxings before. after turning the pages forward to a blank one, minho settled into his chair. butterflies filled his stomach when he held a new clue for the first time because he felt as though he were one step closer to holding his soulmate. inhaling briefly to steady his excitement, he deftly unwrapped the package, surprised to hold a planner in his hands.

“huh,” minho chuckled, “let’s see what you’re getting up to.”

he couldn’t believe his clue would be so blatant about his soulmate’s identity. it felt entirely lucky that, just beyond the cover of this planner, would be details to his soulmate’s life, to you, whoever you were. minho smiled as he flipped through the pages, running his fingertips over your handwriting. he didn’t want to intrude too much, but he reveled in learning about the life his soulmate led. this must be it, the final clue. 

minho’s suspicion–or, rather, hope–was confirmed when he returned to the front of the planner. on the corner of the front page, he read the most beautiful words he’d ever encountered: if lost, please return to y/n l/n. thank you!

beneath your name was your phone number. not wanting to break his ritual, minho scribbled his observations into his notebook. while he didn’t need to theorize your name, he entertained himself by theorizing about the grocery store you went to and what your favorite takeout restaurant smelled like. admittedly, now that he had your name, he also started a list of potential nicknames for you. once he was satisfied with his entry, he picked up his phone. finally, he had the opportunity to test his theories against someone real.

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

your yearly clue arrived earlier than you expected. glancing at the clock, you decided to risk being late to work. how could you resist the opportunity to start your day with something connected to your soulmate?

rather than a full package, your clue was sent to you in a small envelope, no bigger than a postcard. inside was a piece of paper with faded designs on the border. it was hard to make out exactly what the images were, but you could tell it was stationary that was popular when you were a young child. it was also apparent that the handwriting on the page belonged to a kid, maybe an elementary school student. your heart jumped when it clicked that this was your soulmate’s writing, these words a special glimpse in their mind as a child. 

hi!

today was very sunny. the weather was cool like spring. is it also spring for you? i guess you wouldn’t live that far away from me. i think it would be fun if you were from a place all the way across the world. maybe we could meet while traveling! or while doing something boring, like going to the store, haha. if we meet at the store, i should buy you something, right? i hope we like the same things. i’ll still buy you want you want, even if it’s gross.

anyways, i am writing this letter because my teacher said we had to practice our new vocabulary words with someone close to us. i used two already. here are the rest: bleak, chilly, windy, humid, falling leaves, summertime, spring day, downpour, foggy. our vocabulary unit was on the weather. i hope you had good weather today too, not weather that was bleak. 

love your soulmate, lee minho♡  

you were so incredibly heartwarmed that you didn’t know whether to smile or cry. when you saw the time, you realized there wasn’t room for either emotional activity. you floated on the street as you made your way to work, feeling invincible from the sweetness of your soulmate’s words. your soulmate, lee minho. 

nothing could ruin your good mood today. not spilling some coffee onto your hand, not misplacing your planner, not even the stranger bumping into you as you exited the elevator. today was perfect because you learned your soulmate’s name, which meant that you could probably figure out who they were. you also learned that, when they were a child, thay considered you as someone close, even though you had never met yet.

daydreams about what your soulmate would write to you in a letter today were interrupted by your phone going off. at first, you were relieved to see the message about your planner being found. your brow furrowed, however, when the message with the time and place to meet was followed up by a message declaring that you would meet your soulmate when you picked up your planner. 

wanting to avoid a potential scam or prank, you decided to ask a question that would confirm their identity. you almost forgot that you didn’t have to dig into the recesses of your memory for specific clues. thankfully, the childhood letter was fresh in your mind, so you asked a simple who are you?

anxiety was replaced by excitement when they replied i’m your soulmate, lee minho.

just like you had this morning, you checked the clock to see how much time you had until you needed to leave for your next destination. leaving early felt silly, but, seeing as your soulmate would be there and expecting you, you didn’t feel like waiting any longer. 

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

minho sat at a table outside the convenience store with a few beverage options in front of him. he wanted to offer you something when you arrived, so he picked the items he thought suited your taste, based on his instinct and clue investigations. a smile graced his lips when the reality of your nearing presence hit him. while he waited, minho wondered what clue you received that revealed his name. as far as he could tell, he wasn’t missing any identifiable documents. maybe a nametag or souvenir of his ended up in your hands, or maybe it was just a piece of paper with his name on it. regardless, minho wasn’t one to question fate’s methods if it meant that he’d finally meet his soulmate tonight.

minho had texted you a description of what he wore–black pants paired with a white button-down and a beret–but you knew who he was before you even registered his outfit. there was something about the feeling you got when you looked at the man sitting outside the convenience store, your favorite drinks neatly placed in front of him. before you could get too stunned by his beauty, his eyes met yours. he smiled and waved for you to join him. knees weak, you happily accepted the invitation.

“hi, y/n,” minho grinned, “i believe this belongs to you.”

you giggled at the way he smirked when he handed the planner over to you and blushed at the way he said your name. his confident and relaxed energy dissipated your nerves. as cliché as it sounded, being near minho made you feel at home.

“thank you, minho. i would be lost without this thing,” you sighed and placed it in your bag, “it’s also nice to meet you.” 

“likewise,” he gestured to the drinks between you two, “i wasn’t sure which one you’d like best, so i bought a few options. it felt rude to meet at a store and not buy you something.”

you bit the inside of your cheek, thinking back to the childhood letter making the same claim, and then grabbed one of the items, “this one is actually my favorite! how did you know?”

minho was clearly proud, and his eyes gleamed with playfulness, “i used my amazing detective work.”

you laughed, “ah, so i see the clues came in handy for my drink preferences.”

“mhm,” he nodded, “that and other things.”

you raised your eyebrows, “should i be scared of what you know?”

he shrugged, “probably.”

a hand went over your mouth as you laughed, nearly spitting out your drink. minho giggled, reaching into his bag while you regained your composure.

“i have this for you,” he slid a notebook across the table to you.

“for me?”

he nodded. you carefully picked it up, surprised by its weight. when you opened the notebook and saw that it was full of different items, you understood why it was heavier than it appeared. on the first page, you recognized the same childish handwriting from today’s clue. you smiled and looked up at minho.

“what’s in here?”

“every clue i’ve gotten about you.”

his tone was nonchalant, but you were so touched by the gesture you thought you could melt right then and there. he had kept every single clue and wrote entries for each one. now, he was giving that collection to you. you knew from that letter that he was sweet. this, however, was more sentimentality than you could have ever imagined.

“wow, minho, this is…” you held his gaze, so he knew your sincerity, “thank you. i love it.”

he smiled, turning his head to the side in shyness, which made the red tips of his ears apparent, “i’m happy you like it.”

you two smiled at each other for a moment, reveling in your shared space.

“ah! that reminds me. what was your clue today? mine obviously brought us together, but i can’t imagine i’d be the only one to have such a straightforward clue today. was it how you knew my name?”

you grinned at both his playful bragging and the thought of your clue, “it was a letter you wrote me when you were a kid. you told me some of your new vocabulary words about the weather. you also signed it with ‘love your soulmate, lee minho.’ your handwriting was adorable!”

if you thought his ears were red before, now there was no doubt in your mind that he was blushing. minho even stuttered a little out of shyness when he replied.

“i see…was the letter any good?”

“yes, i think you used your vocabulary words well,” you teased, “it was very sweet. i was surprised that you said i was someone close to you, though, given that you were so young and didn’t even know me. why did you choose to write it to me instead of someone like a parent or friend?”

minho hummed, genuinely thinking back to his childhood logic, “honestly? it was never a mystery to me whether i’d love you or not.”

now you were the one blushing, smiling, and struggling to find the right words. it didn’t help that minho looked downright smug at your reaction to his comment. clearly, you were in for quite the ride with your soulmate. you figured you needed to get used to your heart fluttering if you were going to spend the rest of your life with him.

minho sighed, standing up from his seat, “well, y/n, i unfortunately have to go. get home safely, and study well! we should make plans to meet again this week, if you’re free.”

“wait, i have to study before i see you again?” you tilted your head in confusion, causing a smile to grace minho’s face.

“yes, you need to study the book i gave you. there will be a pop quiz on the information next time we meet.”

you eyes darted to the notebook in your hand and then back to your ridiculous soulmate. the proud, mischievous look on his face convinced you that he wasn’t lying about the quiz. 

“what do i get if i ace it?”

“hmm,” minho tapped his finger on the side of his head, “my eternal love and affection.”

you smiled, quickly changing your expression to a playful one, “i thought i already had that? at least, that’s what your letter implies.”

minho chuckled, ears turning red again, “huh, i guess you’re right. i’ll buy you dinner then. but only if you ace it.”

you laughed at the seriousness in his voice, “it’s a date!” 

minho grinned, “it’s a date.” 

he paused to savor the way those words sounded, to relish in the moment of promising to see each other soon. yet again, you felt yourself blushing, flustered by the sweet intensity of his love.

“see you soon, and let me know when you’re home safe, my dear, y/n.”

minho cooed your name, and you giggled. he smiled that proud smile again, fondness reflecting in his eyes. you promised to text him the second you were home and asked that he did the same, so you knew when you could call him. after several more tries, you two finally said a goodbye that sounded a lot more like i can’t wait to see you again soon because i love you!

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

[lumosandnoxwriting]

look at you || Fred Weasley

Title: Look at you Pairing: Fred x Reader Summary: distance really does make the heart grow fonder. Warnings: NSFW - minors DNI! This contains, vaginal sex, female receiving oral, breeding kink, mentions of cum marking, dirty talk, praise, mentions of sex toys/sexting and pregnant sex.  A/N: hockey!fred could hit me with his car and I would say thank you. Anyway as always this is dedicated to @darthwheezely b/c she always encourages my shenanigans. 

The away games are always the hardest. 

Fred is usually gone for a week, and between traveling, playing multiple games and the time differences they mainly communicate via text and maybe a phone call if they’re lucky. At first the lack of communication bothered Y/N. They moved across the country after Fred got drafted and it felt isolating to have the only person she knew in Washington unavailable most of the time. But now that Fred’s in the fourth year of his contract Y/N is a pro at handling the distance. Her and a bunch of the other WAGS always get together to watch the games at someone’s house, and usually do dinner or brunch on some of the days the guys are gone. And now that she’s working and more involved in the area she’s got plenty of friends and activities to keep her busy while Fred is away. 

She figured this season would be just like the others, that it would suck while Fred is gone but she’d just keep busy until he was back home in their bed. 

Until those two little pink lines stared up at her from the bathroom counter the night before training camp started. She wasn’t totally surprised at the result, considering her and Fred had been together for a decade, married for half of that and regularly relying on the pullout method as their main form of contraception. And of course they’d talked about having kids, but their general consensus had been that they would start trying once the season was underway, hoping to time it just right that their baby would be born at the beginning of the off season, so they could spend the first few months as a complete family unit before hockey took over Fred’s life again. 

But of course life decided to say fuck their plans, and now Y/N is due to give birth just before playoffs begin in April. 

Y/N had thought that having Fred gone during her first trimester would be the worst part of it, having to deal with morning sickness and those first few doctors appointments by herself. But the nausea and vomiting left her feeling so gross she was glad Fred didn’t have to see her like that, and they were able to work with her doctor so that Fred didn’t miss a single appointment. 

It’s now, with Y/N into her second trimester that Fred’s absence seems to be hitting her the hardest. Her bump has finally popped, and she can barely keep her hands from stroking over the smooth skin at all hours of the day. The baby has started to move around too, starting off as gently flutters she assumed was gas that have now grown into distinctive pushes against her belly. Not to mention the nausea and vomiting that plagued her first few months of pregnancy have faded away, and Y/N finally understands what people say when they talk about pregnancy glow. Her skin is the clearest and softest it’s ever been, and her hair and nails look amazing thanks to her prenatal vitamins. 

And just as she passed the five month mark her newest, and most annoying to deal with on her own, pregnancy symptom started. 

She’s unbelievably horny every hour of the day. 

Her newly filed out breasts constantly ache, and some days her nipples are so sensitive just the material of her bra sends a shiver down her spine. Her pussy is almost constantly slick, her clit throbbing and her cunt aching to be filled. Once the seam of her maternity jeans pulled so deliciously against her as she was driving that she nearly crashed the car as she came from that brush alone. 

Everything seems to turn her on these days, no matter how inconvenient the time or place is. 

Like right now, the guys are on the last leg of their longest away game stretch, the final game of a two and a half week trip, and her cunt is dripping as she watches Fred punch the other team’s center in the jaw. Not only is it inconvenient because she’s sitting on Melaine, the goalie’s girlfriend’s couch, but because Fred isn’t due back home until tomorrow afternoon and she passed out last night before she could put her vibrator back on the charger. And her own fingers will never live up to the memories of how worked up Fred gets after a fight, and how the only thing that seems to calm him down is taking Y/N from behind as he growls in her ear. 

She tries to shift subtly as the ref throws Fred in the sin bin, his mouth still moving wildly as he throws insults at the other team, but when Rachel throws her a look Y/N knows she’s been caught. Rachel is the wife of one of the defensemen, and had been heavily pregnant for most of last year’s season, so Y/N figures she knows exactly how she’s feeling right now. 

“Tomorrow afternoon can’t come soon enough,” Rachel teases, voice low enough so only the two of them can hear. 

Y/N snorts in laughter, nodding in agreement. “You have no idea.”

-

Fred throws a middle finger over his shoulder as he rushes towards his truck, causing his teammates to laugh even harder. The bus had barely stopped before he was up out of his seat and making his way to the front, far too eager to get home to Y/N. Because the texts she’s been sending since he got off the ice last night have had him perpetually hard in his pants and the only thing on his mind is getting home to his wife. 

He drives well over the speed limit on his way home, praying to whatever deity that exists out there he won’t get pulled over, since he’s pretty sure his urgent need to fuck his wife is not a good enough excuse to get out of a ticket. The car is barely in park as Fred throws the door open, hockey bag left behind in his haste to get inside. In a matter of a few seconds he’s barreling through the front door, taking the time to lock it behind him before he heads for the stairs. 

“Baby?” he calls as he climbs, ripping his shirt off as he goes. He pauses to kick his shoes off, just letting them tumble back down as he continues up. 

“Hi,” Y/N greets breathlessly when Fred appears in their doorway. Her eyes are immediately drawn to the way his jeans hang open, his cock clearly fighting against the material of his boxers. 

Fred groans as he takes Y/N in, cock throbbing at the way she kneels on their bed in nothing but his jersey. The curve of her bump is visible even in the oversized garment, and Fred almost can’t believe that this is his life. He makes a living playing the sport he loves and every night he gets to come home to the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen who’s beauty has only grown as he watches his child grow inside of her. 

“Fucking hell,” he practically growls as he steps into the room, his complete focus on Y/N. “Do you have any idea how fucking sexy you are, wife? That picture of your pretty pink pussy all wet and begging for my cock has been driving me crazy. I couldn’t sleep knowing you were all alone in our bed, desperate for my cock wearing nothing but my jersey.”

Y/N practically pants as Fred stalks toward her, hands clenched in fists at her sides to try and resist the urge to touch herself. She had to give herself a pep talk before taking the photo she sent, so to see Fred’s reaction to it here in the flesh makes her cunt throb with want. Before falling asleep Y/N had managed to work herself up to a few weak orgasms with her fingers, but those are nothing in comparison to what she knows Fred is about to give her. 

“Sexy?” she asks teasingly. Fred has finally made it to the edge of the bed, and she runs her hands up his arms and over his shoulders, resting her palms against the sides of his neck. “Even with my big old bump in the way?” 

“Especially with your big bump in the way,” Fred practically purrs. He finally gives in to his urge to touch his wife, one hand hooking around her thigh while the other fists the front of her jersey, yanking her closer to him. “Just knowing that you’re full of my baby, that I did that to you is enough to make me cum, something I know you’re well aware of.”

And she knows Fred isn’t lying. He’d always been possessive in the bedroom, and it only intensified when she got pregnant. Once her bump popped Fred was like a man possessed, needing to have one hand on it at all times. He’s finished on her bump more times than Y/N can count, rubbing his cum into her skin so he can claim her fully. 

Instead of responding Y/N lets Fred pull her into a kiss, her fingers tangling in the hair at the base of his skull as he nibbles on her bottom lip. He claims her mouth with his, crawling up on the bed so he can get even closer. The hand he had on her jersey makes its way up to cup her jaw, angling Y/N’s face so he can kiss her deeper, while the one that was on her thigh starts to travel further up.  

“Fuck,” Fred moans into her mouth as his hand brushes her bare hip. “No panties? Dirty girl.” He lets his hand cup the swell of her stomach, thumb slowly brushing back and forth in a sweet gesture that is the total opposite of the way he kisses his wife. 

“Please,” Y/N pants as Fred’s mouth finally leaves her’s, starting to press kisses into her neck. “Need you to touch me, Freddie, only feels good when it’s you.”

“Well how can I deny my wife when she asks so nicely?” 

Fred kisses the juncture of her throat one last time before pulling away just enough so he can pick her up under her thighs. He positions her back on the bed just how he wants, her back flat against the mattress with her legs spread wide, a hand on each thigh to keep them open for him. 

“You’re fucking cunt,” he groans, his eyes drawn to her slick pussy as he bites his lip. He sinks down on the bed so he’s resting between her thighs, thumb and forefinger spreading her pussy apart to put her clit on display. “This pussy is going to be the death of me.”

Y/N gasps as Fred finally puts his mouth on her, hips nearly lifting off the bed as he sucks her clit between his lips. Her toes curl as his tongue flattens against her, thighs already quivering as Fred’s thumb presses against her entrance. “God, please, Fred.”

That’s all the encouragement he needs to fuck into her with his index finger, curling it to press against the front wall of her cunt, right against the spot that has her moaning his name. His cock twitches as Y/N’s hand tangles in his hair, curling his tongue around her clit as she tugs. 

“Such a good girl,” Fred praises as he presses another finger into her slick cunt, letting his thumb rub small circles into her clit. “I love this pretty pussy so much, wife. Gonna eat it every fucking day of the week.”

He takes her clit back between his lips as he fucks her with his fingers, needing her to cum before he can give her what they both desperately need. His cock aches as Y/N grinds down against his face, the feel of her taking control of her pleasure only turning him on more. Fred’s tongue flicks at her clit as his lips suck, and he can tell by the way her cunt grips his fingers that she’s close. 

“Cum for me, baby. Cum all over my hand so I can have you cumming all over my cock.”

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Y/N babbles as Fred licks her, fingers tugging him even closer into her as she grinds against him. Waves of pleasure are swirling in her core, electric shocks radiating all down her spine as Fred brings her closer and closer to the edge. He makes her feel like she’s on fire, completely erasing the few weak orgasms she had last night from her memory.

Fred wraps his arm around her thigh to keep Y/N in place as her orgasm takes over, his fingers and mouth still working her through the pleasure. Y/N’s toes curl as pleasure consumes her, thighs quivering as a cry of Fred’s name leaves her lips. Aftershocks of pleasure send shivers down her spine, and Y/N has to use her grip on Fred’s hair to separate his mouth from her cunt as she comes down. 

He doesn’t say anything as he crawls back up the bed, letting Y/N catch her breath before he leans down to kiss her softly. Her legs wrap around his hips, the need for Fred to be close overwhelming her need to get off for a brief moment. 

“Need you inside me,” Y/N murmurs against Fred’s mouth, her legs tightening around him. 

“Needy girl,” Fred teases, nipping at her jaw. But with one final kiss to her lips he pulls back, climbing off the bed so he can rid himself of the rest of his clothes. Who is he to deny the needs of his wife, the woman growing his child? 

Y/N makes a move to pull the jersey she’s wearing up over her head, and Fred grabs her wrist, shaking his head. 

“No, the jersey stays on.”

Fred’s pretty sure he hears her mumble something about him being a possessive idiot, but he doesn’t even care. Settling on the bed, back against the headboard with his cock leaking against his stomach, he beckons Y/N closer. “Come sit on my lap and make yourself cum on my cock, baby.”

Under normal circumstances she’d make some joke about how he’s making her do all the work, but her cunt is already aching again and if she doesn’t get Fred’s cock in the next three minutes she may die. Y/N crawls up the bed, shivering at the look in Fred’s eyes. It’s full of nothing but pure desire, and she can feel her heartbeat pulsing in her clit. At one point she feared that pregnancy may change the way Fred looks at her, and now as she straddles his waist Y/N can’t believe what an idiot she had been. 

One of Fred’s hands lands on her hip, the other on her bump and the contact sends a shiver down her spine. It takes a little bit of finesse with her bump in the way, but as soon as Y/N has Fred’s cock pressed against her cunt she’s sinking down. She’s slick enough from Fred’s mouth and her previous orgasm that she presses down until she’s fully seated in his lap, and her eyes flutter shut from the pleasure coursing through her veins. 

Fred is so thick and full inside her, and Y/N just sits there in his lap, eyes closed and her head tilted back as she appreciates the feel of him inside her. Y/N’s cunt pulses around him, and with how desperate she’s been to feel her husband like this, she already feels embarrassingly close to her climax already. 

“Fuck you are perfect,” Fred groans as her hips start to gently rock. He fixes her jersey so the hem rests on the top of her bump, wanting to see it in all of its glory. With one hand squeezing her thigh, Fred places the other on her stomach to help keep her balance. “So fucking full aren’t you, wife? So full of my cock and my baby, hm? Love being full of me, don’t you?”

“Yes,” she responds breathily, leaning back to brace herself against Fred’s thighs. The new angle lets him sink even deeper, and a sharp gasp falls from her mouth at the sensation. “Always wanna be full like this.”

“With my baby or my cock?” he teases. 

“Both,” Y/N hits back truthfully.

“Fuck,” Fred growls, unable to keep his hips from thrusting. The moan that comes from Y/N spurs him on, and he continues to match her movements with his own. “Whatever my wife wants my wife gets. Gonna keep you nice and full with my cock and my cum and my babies until we’ve got a whole fucking hockey team, baby. And no one will ever doubt who you, who this fucking pussy, belongs too.”

Her cunt clenches even tighter at his words, encouraging Fred to keep talking. 

“Look at you, my pretty little wife, fucking herself on my cock. Bet you thought about this the whole time I was gone, didn’t you, love?”

“Fuck, yes,” Y/N moans. She’s inching closer and closer to her orgasm with each of her movements, thighs quivering from a mixture of the pleasure swirling in her core and the effort it’s taking to fuck herself on Fred’s cock. 

“Fuck you look so good like this, baby,” Fred praises. “Not gonna be able to take you like this much longer, am I? I swear everytime I look at you, your belly is bigger. It’s not long until you’ll be too big to ride me like this, isn’t that right, love? But that’s okay, because you look so fucking good all full of my baby. Seeing you like this, knowing I did this, makes me feel fucking feral, baby. You’re doing such a great job, growing our baby. Gonna be such a good Mama.”

The combination of Fred’s cock stretching Y/N to her limits and the constant stream of praise coming from Fred pushes Y/N over the edge, and her back arches as she comes. Shocks of pleasure jolt out from her cunt, her clit aching and her toes curling as her orgasm washes over her in waves. 

The feel of Y/N’s walls pulsing around Fred’s cock as she moans his name pushes him to his own climax, his hips just barely pushing up into her as he empties himself into her eager cunt. 

“Taking it so well, baby. Fuck.”

He places a hand on her lower back for support as they both come down, the hand he has on her bump rubbing soothing circles into the skin. When having her in his lap starts to get uncomfortable, Fred carefully lifts her off, maneuvering so he can lay Y/N next to him on the bed without jostling her too much. 

Finally feeling satisfied, Y/N watches Fred move around their room through her barely open eyes, too tired to try and stay awake any longer. She lets him move her around too clean up, a soft whine coming from her lips when he pulls the jersey up and off over her head. But she’s immediately placated when Fred helps her into one of his old t-shirts, and she doesn’t even fight him as he pulls sleep shorts up her legs. 

He disappears into their bathroom then, and Y/N is practically asleep by the time he reemerges and gets into bed beside her. But instead of Fred pulling her into his arms like she expected, her eyes open in surprise as Fred pushes up the hem of her shirt just enough to expose her bump.

“What are you doing?” she murmurs, tone laced with humor. 

“What does it look like?” Fred responds as he pours lotion into his hands, rubbing them together to warm it up. He cradles her stomach carefully, slowly starting to massage her skin. “I’m taking care of both of my girls.”

[ham-st4r]

𝐍𝐨𝐛𝐨𝐝𝐲 𝐆𝐞𝐭𝐬 𝐌𝐞 (𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐝𝐨) - 𝐋. 𝐇𝐞𝐞𝐬𝐞𝐮𝐧𝐠

❥ pairing: heeseung + female reader!

♪ warnings: smut, unprotected sex, dirty talk, oral male receiving, rough make-up sex, lover's to ex's, verbal abuse, break up, cursing, crying, arguments, angst, alcohol

♪genre: smut, fluff, angst, drama, lover's to ex's

♪summary: here!

♪number of words: 13,316k

Find your way around!

Hi, hi, this is my most recent work. Nobody gets me. It’s partially based on the song by sza. I was just listening to the song, and I got inspired to write this anyways. I hope you all enjoy it. I worked hard on it, and I’m happy with the way it came out. It’s long, but I hope you’ll be patient and make your way to the end. With that being said, please leave feedback and reblog it always makes my day to see someone complimenting me on my work.

You couldn’t believe it. After all the hard work you put in, it was finally starting to pay off all the sleepless nights, the days you didn’t feel like getting up and recording or writing, all the times you’d spend cuddled up in your boyfriend’s arms crying to him cause no matter what you did, you never felt like it was good enough.

It was all finally over, and with the help of your loving boyfriend being with you every step of the way and cheering you on from the sideline, you had finally been signed by a label, and you recorded your very first single.

You and your boyfriend, heeseung of seven years, held hands as you listened to your song play on the radio for the first time since your official debut. You both sang along softly to the lyrics, and he turned to glance at you with a fond smile cherishing this beautiful moment with his most favorite person in the whole wide world.

He wiped the few tears that trickled down your face with his thumb while the last few seconds of your song played. “I’m so proud of you. I knew you’d make a hit. I never doubted you for even a second” His soft voice comes out in almost a whisper as the song comes to an end, and the soft piano fades out.

You grabbed his hand that was placed on your cheek and brought it to your lips, pressing a gentle kiss to it. “I couldn’t have done it without you,” you tell him sincerely. You can’t even remember how many times you had just thought about quitting, but he never let you cause he believed in you when Nobody else did, and he reminded you of that every single day.

He pressed the button, turning off the radio in his beater that had been getting him to point A to B for the last four years, and pulled out a green velvet box from his jacket. “And I could have never done this thing called life if it wasn’t for you” He smiled with tears gathering in his eyes. You were literally his everything since the day you met at the restaurant he worked at. He remembered the day clearly. It had been unusually busy, and order tickets were stacked. Unknowingly, he accidentally cooked your steak rare instead of medium rare once the waiter brought the food back and told him it was wrong. He felt terrible for messing it up. He took his job very seriously, so he prepared what was probably the best steak he’s ever made and specially hand delivered it to your table, apologizing over and over again before scurrying off back to the kitchen about twenty minutes later, his heart sank when the waiter called his name, he thought he had messed up another order. But he breathed a sigh of relief when he heard the words the waiter spoke. “Table number 7 said that your steak was the best she’s ever had and wanted to thank you for your hard work with a one hundred dollar tip” For the rest of the hectic night, heeseung worked hard with a smile on his face, and when he saw you come into the restaurant a week later, he knew then, and there you were the one, it was like you somehow knew he was having the worst day of his whole career and like magic, you came by and made it the best by giving him the tip of a lifetime and he just knew from that day on he needed you in his life and even though he was on the clock he made sure to get your number while sneaking you a special dessert (one that wasn’t on the menu)

You teared up once again when you saw him open the box as he held your hand from across the beat-up dash in his car. “Heeseung,” you said in absolute awe.

“Y/n, you’re my whole world, and I’m so lucky to have you in my life and to be able to call you mine. Words just aren’t enough to express how I feel about you,” he said with a shaky breath, the first tear finally rolling down his cheek. “And even though I tell you every day, I just want you to know that I love you, and I’ll never stop loving you. It’s been a really tough past couple of years for us, but I wouldn’t want to spend those years with anyone else 'cause Nobody gets me like you” His lips upturned into a small smile when he saw the surprised look on your face. "I know I'm not perfect, but I promise I'll love and take care of you until the end of time" He turned the small box showing you the ring. It wasn’t big, it wasn’t fancy, and the diamond wasn’t the size of a rock, but it was enough for you cause you knew he was proposing to you from his heart, and no ring could ever compare to the amount of love his heart held for you. “I’m so proud of you, and I’m so happy that I have someone as special as you in my life” He smiled as more tears cascaded down his pretty face. “So,” he looked at you with nothing but pure love and adoration in his eyes, and with one last shaky breath, he popped the question. “Will you marry me?”

You sat there in silence, unable to understand how you were so blessed to have your debut song played on the radio and the love of your life proposing to you all on the same day. Without a doubt, this was definitely the best day of your whole entire life, and you’d never forget it, not in a million years.

He felt his heart drop the more seconds that passed, and you didn’t say anything after a while. He took your silence as apprehension, so he tried to reassure you that he was the one for you. “I-I know your parents aren’t fond of me, and I need a new car, and I need to buy a house, bu-“You cut off his rambling and kissed him. He kissed you back immediately without any hesitation.

“Yes, yes, heeseung a million times yes!” he chuckled breathily and grabbed your shoulder across the cup holders bringing you closer as he locked lips with yours.

You pulled away, leaving just the tiniest gap between the two of you. “I want to marry you. I don’t want anybody else but you, and I don’t care what anyone thinks about you cause you’re all I’ll ever need” He leaned his forehead against yours, his warm breath tickled your nose as he distanced himself from you, and took the silver diamond embedded ring out of its little box.

His hands were shaking with nerves and excitement, and so were yours as he slipped it onto your ring finger. “I love you so much” He held your hand in his, tracing the ring with his thumb as he smiled at you.

“I love you too” You squeezed his hand and squealed in excitement.

He rolled down the window, and you looked at him in confusion cause it was literally cold and raining outside. “She wants to marry me!” He screamed proudly out the window catching the attention of the people passing by, some smiling and others giving him weird stares, but he didn’t care. He just wanted the world to know that you were his now and forever.

“Oh my god!” You giggled and cupped your hand over his mouth.

He grabbed your wrist and guided your hand to cup his cheek as he smiled widely. “My fiancée,” he leaned in to kiss you some more, and neither of you bothered rolling up the window, too lost in the moment and the softness of each other's lips to care about anything else.

Everything was going great since the release of your hit single you and heeseung finally got some free time and were now cuddled up on a small couch in your studio apartment, currently talking about your wedding and everything you should get and who to invite.

“I’m going to make sure our wedding is perfect. I promise” He kissed the crown of your head, holding you just a little bit tighter.

“We should get little mini me’s, and you’s on our cake” His chuckle filled the otherwise silent apartment, and it made your heart melt. You loved the sound of his laughter. No matter how bad of a day you had, his laugh could always make it all better.

“That would be cute,” he said as he envisioned it. He could see everything slowly coming together the more and more you both planned and talked about it.

You looked up at him and pecked his lips sweetly. “I was thinking about planning it for this summer,” he said a little reluctantly. He knew it was soon, and he didn’t want you to feel pressured, but the timing to him seemed perfect.

“Really?! I always wanted to get married in the summer since I was a little girl,” you said as you felt the excitement rising.

“Then I guess that’s settled,” he says with a smile as he plays with the ring on your finger.

You both sigh in contentment, enjoying each other’s company until the loud ringing of your phone breaks the peaceful moment.

“I’m not answering that,” you say, snuggling up closer to your fiancé and hugging him tighter, not wanting to leave his warm, comforting embrace for one second.

“But baby, that might be Steve. You’ve been waiting on him to call for a while now,” he says, knowing how badly you’ve been wanting to get an opening gig, and this phone call might just be you finally getting that chance.

It’s a good thing you had heeseung cause he was always the logical one out of the both of you.

He moved his hands off of you, allowing you to take the call. “I’ll be waiting” He smiles at you softly.

You finally get up to answer it, and he was right. It was your manager, Steve, and as exciting as the news was, you couldn’t have gotten it at a worse time.

You hang up and trudge back over to heeseung, who was patting his lap with a tired smile on his face. “Was it him?” He asks excitedly as he wraps you back in his arms again.

“Yes,” you mumble into his chest.

“I take it the news wasn’t any good…” he muttered with a sad tone.

“The news was great” He leaned back and looked at you, confused.

“Then why the sad face?” He asks while stroking your cheek.

“I got invited on tour to open up for a well-known group, and they said I’d gain a lot of experience and a bigger audience.” You explained.

“What?! Baby, that’s great news! I’m so happy for you!” you knew he’d be excited for only a moment before you broke the terrible news to him.

“It’s a summer tour, and it’s this year, and we were going to have our wedding in the summer this year….” You said sadly, and you watched his smile lessen until it was nothing but a frown.

“Oh….not great” It was silent for a few minutes before he was being the heeseung you knew, always trying to turn a bad situation into a good one no matter how terrible the circumstances were. “Look at me, love. I’m not going anywhere, okay? We can have the wedding next year” He cupped your cheeks and made you look at him, smiling at the little pout on your lips. “And besides, this is your career we’re talking about. Sure, I would love to call you my wife and be your husband, but you know what, I would love just as much?” He asked with a smile.

“What?” He squished your cheeks and kissed your pout away, replacing it with a smile.

“To see my fiancée living her dream and performing in front of millions of people after knowing what it took to get here, seeing you perform for the first time on stage, will be the happiest day of my life.”

Tears had welled in your eyes, and not a day went by where you weren’t grateful for him. He always knew just what to say to make you feel better.

He was literally perfect.

He wiped your tears before they got halfway down your cheeks. “No more crying in the studio,” he said as his voice cracked slightly. “We’ve done enough of that already” He released a heavy breath while hugging you tightly in his arms.

“Yeah, okay,” you whispered and smiled past your tears. “I love you so much I don’t know what I’d ever do without you.”

“I love you too, and don’t even think about it cause you’ll never be without me.”

You held each other in silence, enjoying the rest of the time you had left until the tour started.

You had been preparing everything for your upcoming shows rehearsing over and over again to make sure everything was perfect. After all, this was your first time performing on stage, and it had to be nothing but the best, no less.

“Baby, you’re going to do so good,” Heeseung startled you. He had been watching you from afar after quietly entering the studio with the spare key that you had made for him on your one-year anniversary. He had just got off of work and came to the studio after cooking you both dinner before he left the restaurant.

“Hee!” You squeal, taking off your headphones and running over to him, peppering his face with kisses.

“Hello to you too, baby,” he chuckled and set his bags down before picking you up and kissing you as you instinctively wrapped your legs around his waist. “You miss me?” He said on your lips, teasingly swiping his tongue along them.

“I always miss you,” you whined into the kiss, and his hands moved down to your butt, squeezing it as he groaned from the feeling of your plump lips pressing against his.

After a hard day of work, feeling your lips on his was nothing short of heaven.

“Me too,” he released a breath and opened his mouth, letting your tongue explore every inch of him, but before you two got too carried away, he broke the kiss and set you back down after pecking your lips one last time. “I made us dinner,” he smiles, and you can see the exhaustion all over his features even though he tried his best to hide it, but nothing could get past you. You’ve known him for 8 years. “It’s been a while since you left the studio, and we had a date, so…” he let go of your waist and picked up the bags he brought, pulling out a bottle of your favorite wine.

 “I took it upon myself to bring the date to you” He wiggled his eyebrows with a goofy smile.

“What did I do to deserve you?” You hugged him by his waist.

He set the bottle down and copied your action. “Oh, I don’t know,” he pretended to think. “But if I had to say, it’s probably because you’re the best person to ever walk this planet, and you deserve nothing but the best.”

You couldn’t believe it even after years. He could still make you feel butterflies with his effortless compliments.

“I love you so much. Did you know that?” You ask, playing with his little cravat.

“I do, but If I didn’t, I know you’d just remind me every day anyway” He pecked your forehead. “I hope you’re in the mood for steak,” he says.

“I’m always in the mood for steak,” you smile brightly. That was the first meal you both shared on your first date together. Of course, you’d always be in the mood for steak cause it always took you back to that wonderful day.

“That’s my girl. Now go sit your pretty butt down while I get your dinner.”

“No, I’ll do it.” You insist. “You just go sit and rest, okay?” You could see he was hesitant at first, but he quickly gave in cause his feet were killing him, and he was more than exhausted from picking up extra hours.

“Fine, but just this one time” He took his chef jacket off and hung it up at the door.

“That’s my boy,” you say, mimicking his words from earlier with a smile. As soon as he turned around, you took the opportunity to pat him on his butt.

“Y/n!” He squeaked and spun around, looking at you in shock. You’d never done that before. “What was that?” He asked, and you could see him blushing.

You just shrugged with a smile, and you would definitely be doing that a lot more from now on to see his cute little reaction.

During dinner, you both chatted about your jobs and how he’d been working late shifts and taking extra days.

No wonder he looked so tired, you thought.

You guys weren’t together as often as before with all the preparations you were doing for your tour. You didn’t get to keep up with the happenings, so when you did get together, the last thing you wanted was to talk about work, but luckily tonight, you both had the night to yourselves to talk about any and everything. “You should take a break, babe” He shakes his head slightly, dismissing your comment drinking the last bit of wine from his glass.

“I can’t. With the wedding coming, I need as much as I can get, you know that baby, plus I still need to save for a new car,” you just sighed.

“Hee, I make enough money for the both of us now we can live comfortably, so why do you insist on working?”

“Cause it shouldn’t be that way!” He raised his voice in frustration, not with you but with himself. “I’m supposed to take care of you, and I can barely take care of myself. Your parents even said it I’m a deadbeat that's no good for you, so to change that, I have to show them that I can provide for you that I can provide for us.”

As soon as he said that, you knew this was about way more than just making money, and he was dealing with more than he was letting on.

You pushed the empty plates aside and sat next to him on the couch, looking at his apologetic face. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to yell, okay baby? I’m just a little stressed. Lately, that’s all” He put his hand on your knee, squeezing it softly. “I won’t do it again,” he promised.

“I know, it’s okay, hee” You rubbed his back soothingly, and he closed his eyes, exhaling a deep breath. “Lay back” He looked at you confused, but when he saw you weren’t saying anything else, he laid back slowly with his head on the armrest of the sofa. “Feet up” He did as you said and placed his feet on your lap, but he was still skeptical of your motive. “Just close your eyes and relax,” and he did, too tired to question your intentions anymore.

A low hum settled in his chest as you slowly massaged his feet, rubbing the balls of each calloused foot.

You gently pinched his heel and rubbed it up and down, adding slight pressure to soothe away any aches and pains. “That feels….” He trailed off, not being able to find the right word to describe how good it felt. You chuckled lightly and continued massaging him.

Your hands trailed up to his long legs, rubbing the taut muscles of his calves.

He felt shivers all over his body from your gentle, loving touch.

You moved to his thighs as you felt them tensing under your palms. “That feels good,” he breathes out, and you smile as a warm feeling spreads across your chest as you watch him start to relax the more you caress his tired aching body.

“Turn over for me” He quickly flipped over and rested his cheek on the backs of his hands, waiting on your next move.

You put your hands under his shirt, gliding your fingers all over his back. “I know that you’re stressed, and I know you’re dealing with more than you’re telling me” He tensed up when you said that, and you sighed. “I just want you to know no matter what, I’m here for you, so don’t stress yourself out too much, okay?” you could instantly feel him loosening up again from your reassuring words, and it warmed your heart that you could be of assistance to him when he was feeling low.

“Okay, thank you, love,” he whispered, and that’s all you needed to hear from him right now. You were going to let him open up to you when he was ready.

“You have so many knots” He chuckled loudly at that but winced when you pressed down a little too roughly to massage them out. “Sorry,” you said in a tiny voice.

“I think since you hurt me, you should make it better” You rolled your eyes playfully even though he couldn’t see you. You lifted up his shirt and leaned down, placing a few kisses there as his breath hitched in his throat.

“Better?” You asked.

“Much better” He squeezed onto the cushion under him, eyes rolling back in his head, and he might have been enjoying this a little too much as he felt himself getting more and more turned on by the second.

After successfully working out the knots in his back, you told him to roll over on his back once more. “Ooh, what’s next?” He said giddily.

“I’m glad you asked,” you smirked. “Take off all your clothes now,” you said sternly, and the look on his face was completely priceless as he was trying to register what you had just said.

“What? W-why?” He laughed awkwardly and avoided eye contact with you. “I mean, a-are you sure? I haven’t even had the chance to showe-“

“Less questions, more doing” He stood up and quickly got rid of his shirt and pulled down his zip before dropping his pants.

“Those too,” you said after looking at his cute, questioning face.

“Okay,” he whispered and took a deep breath feeling overwhelmed by your sudden boldness as he freed himself from the tightness of his boxers, his dick standing up right away from how hard he had already gotten.

You bit your lip at the sight of him. Even after eight years, he still managed to amaze you in every single way.

He laid back down on the sofa as you sat between his legs, gulping loudly while watching you run your fingers over his tense abs.

He put his hands behind his head, biting on his lip softly when you kissed his thighs, and somehow, just that little bit was enough to make him impatient.

“Baby… I’m really sorry, but I don’t think I can wait” His dick twitched at the same time the words left his mouth. As much as he wanted to see what else you had in store for him, he’d have to find out another time cause, right now. He couldn’t wait to feel your mouth around him.

“Don’t apologize, baby, just relax tonight is all about you” You kissed his tip, a string of clear precum creating a connection between your lips and his pinkish tip.

You licked his warm shaft running your tongue along the protruding veins. “Shit baby, you always know how to make me feel so good” His stomach was tensing with every wet lick and swirl of your warm tongue.

Wordlessly you locked eyes with him and took half of him in your mouth, bobbing your head up and down slowly.

“Oh fuck” he whined, eyes rolling back in his head immediately. It had been a while since you and him both got to spend intimate time together and just being like this with you after so long was like a dream come true.

He really missed this. He missed the feeling of your loving touch, and he missed being able to hold you and kiss you and tell you how much you mean to him in the privacy of your bedroom.

You used your other hand to stroke what couldn’t fit down your throat, and his moans increased in volume as he impatiently bucked his hips up, gagging you when he did so. “Sorry, it just feels so g-good,” he moaned, chest heaving up and down as he opened his eyes and stared down at you sucking him nearly all the way in while your hand made its way to his balls, cupping them gently just the way you knew he liked. “That’s it, love, just like that.”

You hummed around his shaft as he slid further down your throat till your lips were stretched around his thick base.

He moved his hand from behind his head, stroking your cheek lightly, before placing it on the back of your head, not to guide you but just so he could feel closer to you. “I’m so close,” he whispers shakily while feeling his tip hitting the back of your throat as you hallowed your cheeks.

Seconds later, you could feel his warm liquid invading your mouth and trickling down your throat. You kept your head still as he bucked his hips up and unknowingly gagged you again, causing you to tighten up around him. “Fuck baby,” he releases a low growl as you feel the rhythmic pulsating of his cock on your tongue.

You sucked him through his high, careful not to hurt him, knowing how sensitive he always was after cumming.

He watched you pull off of him as he caught his breath. He cupped your cheek with his palm and wiped the remaining cum off the corner of your lips with his thumb. “That was wonderful,” he chuckled breathlessly.

You smiled at him and leaned down again, kissing his abdomen to his stomach and all the way to his sweaty chest, stopping and swirling your tongue around his perky nipple while your free hand flicked the other hardened nub.

His little whimpers turned you on like crazy, but you ignored your pleasure cause right now, everything was about him and him only, and besides, his pleasure was your pleasure anyways.

He clutched onto your shirt tightly as you switched to his other nipple pulling it between your lips gently.

You could feel him arching up into you as he hugged you tightly to his body. “Y/n fuck, I need to feel you now,” he cried out, and you knew when he said it like that, he meant right this instant.

“I’m all yours,” that’s all he needed to hear, and then he was leaning up and taking you in his arms to the shower as you sucked and kissed all over his beautiful neck.

After your intimate time in the shower, he ran a bath for you both.

He was lying in the tub with hazy eyes, slowly stroking your shoulders and drawing random shapes on your skin, occasionally covering you with the suds from the bubbles he added.

“I’m serious, you know?” You brought up the conversation from earlier, and you heard him sighing behind you as you clasped your hand with his. “Just think about it for me, please?” You scooted closer to him, and he held your waist with his other hand.

“What exactly are you asking me to do, baby?” he kissed your neck sensually, and you tilted your head to the side, giving him access to nibble and gently bite your skin.

“I’m asking you to quit,” you put it simply as you reached your hand behind you and pulled him closer by his neck as he sucked even more hickeys on your skin.

“You know I can’t do that,” he mumbled, too occupied with kissing you to respond with a longer explanation.

“You can and you will. I can’t stand seeing you so tired, hee, you know that”

“I know, I know” He moved his head next to yours and spoke lowly into your ear. “Okay,” he caved in, but he knew you were right. He could work for ten years straight for seven days a week, but if he stayed at that dead-end restaurant, it still wouldn’t be enough to give you the life he wants you and him to have.

“Don’t worry about a thing. I have us, okay?” You reassured him, and it would be hard for him to accept that for a while but with you, he knew everything would be okay.

“Okay,” he nibbled on your ear lobe, using the tip of his tongue to lick the shell of your ear. “Well, since I’m now jobless, I think I have an idea of what to do with all this free time.”

“Yeah? Tell me all about it.”

“Don’t worry. I’ll tell you everything when we get to the bedroom.”

You chuckled, blushing at his little insinuation. You knew neither of you would be getting any sleep tonight.

“Morning, my love,” heeseung whispered in the quietness of your bedroom.

“Morning,” you greeted him back groggily with your morning voice.

“Last night was great” His smile reached the corner of his eyes, creating those little wrinkles on his face that you loved so much.

“It really was” You brushed some hair out of his eyes and stroked his cheek.

“What are your plans for today, Hmm?”

“Recording, recording, and more recording,” you sighed.

“Right,” he frowned. He wasn’t taking this time apart well at all, you were literally his everything, and without you, he couldn’t help but feel like a piece of him was missing. “Don’t worry too much, alright?” he kissed the hand that was resting on his cheek still. “I heard you last night. It was beautiful” He kissed your forehead sweetly.

“Really?” You asked with puppy eyes.

“Really” He smiled but frowned when you got out of bed.

Your eyes had landed on the clock, and you were almost late for your studio session today. “On no, I’m gonna be late” You rushed out of bed and messily grabbed some clothes.

“I can drive you,” heeseung offered, about to stand up, but you pushed his chest so he could lie back down.

“I’m gonna be gone till midnight. My schedule is completely packed. You just rest till I get back, okay?” you kissed him when he tried to protest, and he just flopped back down on the pillows.

You quickly did your hair and freshened up in the bathroom. “Bye, babe,” you said before bolting out of the door, not even giving him a chance to say it back.

“Bye, I love you,” he mutters to himself. “What am I gonna do now?”

Heeseung did absolutely nothing all day but sleep until he felt the bed dip down as you wrapped your arms around his waist.

The clock read 2:17 am, and his heart ached for you as he hugged your tired body closer to his chest. “Goodnight, love,” he whispered to you.

“Night, hee,” that’s all you could say before you both fell fast asleep.

Things went like this for the next couple of months, you coming home late, and heeseung was left at the apartment alone, and lately, the tension between you and heeseung grew over just the littlest things. You both had been exhausted him emotionally while you physically, and when he took it upon himself to clean your desk in the studio cause he was bored, that just opened the door for an argument to ensue. Although that was far from his intention, he just figured instead of being lazy while you were out winning the bread, he could at least surprise you with a tidied up workspace.

But apparently, that wasn’t as good of an idea as he originally thought.

“I don’t understand why you would even touch it,” you say, annoyed you had come back early from rehearsals, and nothing was the way you had left it, and now you couldn’t find your lyric sheets. “Can you do anything right?” You said irritatedly.

“Love, I’m sorry I just wanted to do something nice for you, that’s all,” he mumbled, feeling guilty that he messed up your things. “I put it in the top drawer with the rest” He could have sworn he did.

“If you want to do something nice for me, you can get out of my sight. I leave soon, and now I won’t have time to pack or practice cause you had to do something stupid,” you snapped.

“I can pack for you,” heeseung offered.

“Don’t bother. You’ll probably just mess up something else.” You angrily leafed through all the scattered papers. “Useless,” you mumbled, but he heard it loud and clear.

That was it. He wasn’t going to stand for your behavior anymore. It’s fine if you’re irritated. He understood that, but he wasn’t going to allow you to disrespect him. 

“Stop!” He raised his voice at you, and you flinched. He took long strides over to your desk and pinned you against it with his large frame pressing your back into the knobs on the drawers that dug into your flesh as he stared down at you, and his heavy breath fanned across your face. “Don’t talk to me like that ever again.”

You stood still, heart beating rapidly in your chest. “I-I’m sor,” you muttered with fear in your eyes, and his expression softened a bit, but he still remained stern.

“I put those fucking sheets together. It was you that moved them” He pressed his lips onto yours, roughly taking your breath away from his hard tone yet soft touch.

He separated from you momentarily and stripped your shirt off, leaving your top half fully exposed from your lack of a bra. He squeezed your breasts roughly, and you moaned into his mouth as his tongue swirled with yours.

You moved your hands from the desk pulling his shirt up, and he smirked into the kiss, moving back so you could pull his shirt off, leaving his dark hair messy atop his head. “Hee,” you whimper.

“Be quiet” He pushed you roughly into the desk, rutting his hardened bulge against you. “I’m gonna get rid of this bitchy attitude of yours” Never ever has he talked to you like that before, and for some reason, you kind of like this new side of him. The thought of him putting you in your place excited you.

He stuck his hand in your shorts, palming over your mound and grazing your clit with his palm.

You threw your head back and moaned loudly as he zeroed in on your neck, leaving sloppy wet kisses behind your ear, decorating your neck in red marks that would be a deep purple by tomorrow.

He took his hand outside of your shorts and pulled them down around your ankles. He kissed you as best as he could while he pulled his pants and underwear down, the jean material pooling at his feet. “Turn around,” he ordered and shoved your face against your stupid work desk. “If you’re gonna apologize, you better do it right,” he smacked your ass harshly. “Say it!” another loud smack bounced off the walls in the small studio. “Why so quiet now, hmm? Just a moment ago, you weren’t shy to call me useless” He stuck his fingers in your wet cunt without warning, pumping them in you roughly.

“Fuck!” Your legs were already shaking as you tried to hold yourself up by placing your hands flat on your desk. The brutal pace of his fingers was mind-numbing as you helplessly clamped down around his digits.

“Cause you know I didn’t fuck up your stupid little lyric sheets, is that it?” He slapped your ass again, completely unforgiving with the strength of his harsh smacks.

Now that he mentioned it, you did remember seeing them earlier, but you don’t know where you put them, and you were too full of yourself to admit it. “I don’t k-know,” you lied.

“Sure? Cause I think you do” He slowed the pace of his fingers gradually until he came to a sudden pause. “If not, then I guess I was wrong” He smirked behind you, pulling out his fingers that were sticky with your essence and sucking on them greedily.

You were still bent over, clenching around nothing and trying to back your ass up to feel him and have him touch you in any way, but he didn’t.

“Guess I don’t need to fuck the attitude out of you after all,” you heard his belt rustling behind you, indicating that he was going to pull his pants back up and leave you bent over, unsatisfied and still aching for his cock.

“No! Please, I’m sorry it was me I-I moved them,” you admitted embarrassingly. “I’m sorry.” You whimpered.

He turned you over and lifted you on top of your desk, messing up everything he had just cleaned and organized. “Say it like you mean it” He stared down at you smirking at how needy and desperate you looked as you spread your legs wide open just for him.

He rubbed his leaking tip between your legs, coating himself in your wetness as you held onto his waist for support.

You kept your lips sealed, but after a minute of his heavy cock gliding across your pussy and teasing your clit with his wet tip, you couldn’t take it anymore. You needed to feel him.

You were going to apologize again, but thankfully he had mercy on you and pushed it inside, stretching you out with his big tip.

However, he didn’t have mercy on you like you once thought cause he stayed still after that, not moving even an inch.

“Please, hee, I’m so sorry. I’ll never say anything like that again,” you begged with tears almost in your eyes.

“I know you won’t” He pushed in all the way without warning, splitting your pussy open on his dick as he nestled deep inside you. “I’m gonna make sure of that” He put his hand on your throat, choking you lightly as he slammed into you, his hips colliding with your thighs as fast clapping noises filled up your studio. “The only thing you’re gonna be saying when I’m done with you is my name,” he grunted loudly while plowing into you ruthlessly, not bothering to even let you adjust properly.

“Heeseung,” you choked, barely able to speak from his grip on your throat and the brutal pace of his hips as your walls squeezed around his dick. “Fuck” you moan.

“Not so useless now, am I? I feel your little pussy sucking me right in.” His hips stuttered a bit, feeling you clench on him even tighter from the filthy words he spoke to you. “Open up that dirty little mouth” You did as he said, opening your mouth wide for him.

He spat in your mouth while fucking into you faster. Your fucked out state was making him go completely animalistic the longer you stared at him, and you were unable to speak cause how good he was doing you. Finally, after months, you were finally paying attention to him and only him in this shitty little studio of yours.

His swollen balls smacked against your ass. You spread your legs wider trying to feel every inch of him even though he was already buried to the hilt inside you and kissing your cervix repeatedly with his tip. “Nothing to say now, huh?” He teased, loving how you looked at him with your watery eyes, mouth full of his spit as you let him take you raw on your precious work desk.

He moved his hand from your neck, and his saliva trickled down your throat. You swallowed every last drop of it, eyes rolling back when his hips snapped into you, roughly jerking you back and forth on the desk.

You choked out his name as best as you could but stopped halfway when he rubbed your sensitive bud that was pulsating and desperately in need of his attention.

“Gonna cum already?” He chuckled and bit his lip, eyebrows clashing together as he slid in and out of you. “So much for me not being able to do anything right” His eyes flickered down to your breasts that were sloshing from his vigorous pace, and just the sight and the sound of your squelching pussy each time he rammed into was enough to have him mere seconds away from coming.

“Yes, hee,” you dug your nails into his waist while biting your lip. “I’m so close.”

He winced from the slight pain, but that only brought him more pleasure. “Cum on my cock, baby,” he circled your clit with his thumb, sending you to your breaking point as you came around his cock with silent cries of his name. “oh fuck!” He moaned loudly as he came from the tightness of your pussy clenching around him so deliciously, filling your insides with his warm cum.

He leaned down, locking his lips with yours, tiredly thrusting inside you as he finished at the same time with you.

He touched his sweaty forehead with yours breathing heavily as his legs began to feel numb.

You cupped his cheek and brought him in for a short but passion-filled kiss. “I’m sorry, hee,” you apologized again for lashing out at him. You truly felt bad. “It was all my faul-“

“Shhh, don’t worry, love. I understand. Let’s just forget about it and get you cleaned up. You had a long day” He pulled out and picked you up off your desk, as multiple sheets fell off of it. It was the ones you were searching so frantically for. “I’ll pretend I didn’t just see that,” he chuckled, and you hid in his chest.

“Thank you,” you muttered shyly as he walked you to the bathroom.

“Are you okay?” He asked once you got in the shower and cleaned you gently with his hands. “I didn’t hurt you anywhere, did I?” He looked at you with worry in his eyes. He knew he had gone rougher than usual due to his own frustrations at the time.

“No baby, you could never hurt me,” you assure him.

“Okay,” he whispers and kisses you slowly as he trails his hands up your sides, and you wrap your arms around his neck.”

“I love you, hee” You rested your head on his chest, listening to his calming heartbeat as the warm water from the shower cascaded down your bodies.

“Of course you love me,” he giggled, and you smiled. “I’m still going to pack for you, too” You tried to protest, but he just pushed his index finger to your lips. “And I love you too” He hugged you close and cherished what time was left before you had to go on the road.

Unfortunately, as easy as it was to make up after your first couple of fights with mind-blowing sex, now it just wasn’t that simple.

Especially after your schedule kept getting packed as the tour date was approaching, and now you had no time to talk things out cause you were too busy either working or sleeping.

And luck wasn’t on your side today either, as you and heeseung were in your tenth fight this week.

“All I’m saying is that I miss spending time with you. I don’t even get to see you anymore. You’re gone when I wake up. You don’t call or reply to my messages” He rubbed his temple in frustration. “I mean, I wake up at three in the morning to an empty bed, and you can’t even at least answer my calls. I’m just worried about you, baby, that’s all” He tried to hold you, but you didn’t have time for that. There were only a few hours left before you had to go, and here he was, trying to patch things up before you went away for a whole three months, and you just didn’t have the time for him right now.

“I work late, and you know that. I don’t see why you can’t just leave me alone. I have to put my phone on mute 'cause you just won’t stop texting me” You were haphazardly throwing some extra stuff into a suitcase.

“Well, If you’d just answer, I wouldn’t have to keep texting,” he scoffed. “Didn’t know it was a crime to fucking miss my fiancée.”

“How can you miss me when I see you every day?” you argued.

“Yeah! And that’s it, you just see me, you don’t pay attention to me. We haven’t talked in weeks. I only see you running out in the morning. It’s been months since we’ve touched and made love, and I miss you so fucking much. You don’t understand. It’s always so quiet and lonely when you’re not here” He lowers his head and picks at his nails nervously. He hated having these arguments, and he hated that he was having them with you the most.

“You knew this was what you were signing up for” You didn’t know what came over you to treat him so roughly, but he was just wearing you out lately. You had more important things to focus on, and him whining like a baby wasn’t on that list. “I can’t babysit you all the time. Maybe if you did something other than sit home all day and wait for me, you might not feel so lonely,” you spat without even looking at him, completely missing the hurt look that took over his features.

“You’re the one who told me to quit my job, and as soon as I did, you just disappeared from life and acted like you don’t even know me,” he answers with anger laced in his voice. He couldn’t believe the audacity of your words. Him quitting his job was literally your idea.

You sighed. You didn’t have any more time for his nonsense right now. “Well, I don’t care anymore. Go get a job, fly a kite for all I care” You had no idea that you were crushing him to pieces right now, too busy wrapped up in your own world that you forgot he was the reason why you were even here in the first place. “My parents were right about you. You are a deadbeat” You laughed pathetically, letting the stress of the situation go straight to your head and saying any rude thing that came to mind.

You somehow felt like it was justified for you to say such things cause right now, he was the one being hard-headed, not you. He knew you had more things to worry about right now, and he just wasn’t one of them. “I know what it is. You’re just trying to hold me back. I’m this close to my dream, and you just don’t want to see me happy.”

“What the fuck are you even on about?” He did his best to stop his voice from cracking. “I was with you every step of the way. I was there for you when no one else was. I gave you my all 'cause that’s what you deserved, I wanted you to succeed more than anyone else, and you know that” He paused for a moment to compose himself. “But now I’m not so sure anymore” The first tear rolled down his cheek, and he hated it. He hated the fact that, for the first time, he was crying alone. You were no longer sharing pain together now. You were the ones causing it for each other. “I literally fucking proposed to you 'cause I love you. I never would do anything to hurt you or our future.”

“Ha! Love? I’m sure you just were trying to tie yourself to me and use me for my fame.” Little did you know it was you who let the fame get to you. You allowed yourself to feel higher and more important than anyone else, including your own fiancé.

He let out a shocked gasp at your words. For the first time in his life, he was left speechless.

For the first time, he didn’t recognize you as the girl who gave him his first and only hundred-dollar tip.

He saw you as someone who lost their way along the road and forgot where they came from.

This wasn’t the y/n he fell in love with.

As devastating as it was for him, he just couldn’t see you two getting over this. It had been months since you started treating him this way, and It was just too high of a mountain to climb, no matter how much he wanted to be there for you. You just weren’t letting him, nor were you there for him. The last months have been nearly insufferable. He had no idea how much your career would impact the relationship, but the last week has shown him that your job was more important than him, and if he wasn’t your number one anymore, what was the point of all this fighting and suffering just to call you his fiancée?

It wasn’t worth it. Not anymore. It wasn’t.

He couldn’t do this anymore for the first time in the eight years he’s known you. He put himself first. “Since work is more important than us, you can have fun with your new relationship,” he mumbled as his voice finally broke while slipping the ring you got him off his ring finger and setting it in front of you on your desk. “Hopefully, your career can give you more than I ever could,” he turned away, leaving you speechless.

Why couldn’t he just see that you had a life to live? Why couldn’t he just understand your point of view? You thought.

He went to your bedroom and gathered up his stuff quickly. You watched him walk out the front door without looking back, and it was only after he shut the door did you regret everything that had just happened.

The silence crept up on you slowly but surely, and you were still in shock that he was actually gone eight years down the drain in the blink of an eye.

But it was too late now.

You said things that couldn’t be taken back, and even if you apologized, you’re not even sure that would erase all the horrible things you’ve said and done to him in these past months.

You wanted to forget everything and run after him so he could take you back into his arms, but you were scared to, so you foolishly let him go.

Cause If you were him, you wouldn’t take yourself back.

It had already been a year since your tour, and your career had skyrocketed beyond what anyone could have ever expected.

Except for one person.

Heeseung.

He always believed you could do anything. “I was there for you when no one else was” Those words rang in your ears over and over again as tears rolled down your cheeks. You looked down at the city view from your penthouse. “Fuck!” You screamed into the night sky, slamming your empty wine glass on the cold cement.

You tried to forget him, but every time you did anything, he took up every little crevice of your brain, and no matter what, you couldn’t escape him.

Even when you went on dates to try to get over him all you could think of was him, and the late nights he came to the studio bringing the date night to you (as he called it) with his very own cooked steak and your favorite wine.

The one relationship you were in after him (if you could even call it that) was a complete total disaster, and you were stuck dealing with a deadbeat. All he did was complain and tear you down. Criticizing your every move, He never gave you any support, and he was only interested in how much money your next show would net so he could bum off you.

He wasn’t even half the man heeseung was when he was with you.

You stayed with him for months cause you felt like that’s all you deserved, but after you found out that he cheated on you, you quickly broke things off with him.

Not cause you actually were hurt, or you cared about him, but you refused to associate yourself with a person like that.

You sighed at the memory.

Since that train wreck, you looked countless men in the face and turned them down every single last one cause no matter what, you could never get over him. Every time you looked at a man, you could still only ever see heeseung’s face.

All you could think of was heeseung 24/7, and no matter what, he always treated you with the utmost respect. You didn’t always agree with things, and you both had your fights here and there, but he was the first one to apologize and talk things over, always willing to understand your side no matter what.

You missed him so bad you cried yourself to sleep countless nights thinking of what you could have been if you hadn’t been so careless with your words and so dismissive of his feelings. If you could go back in time, you would reverse everything. You wouldn’t even think twice about it.

You couldn’t help but daydream about him coming to your concerts and being your number-one fan, and celebrating your first show together with you. You just know that he would have been so happy for you, and those would have been the best moments of your career, without a doubt.

But if you were being real, you deserved less. He should’ve never been the first one to apologize for all the times you fought. He should have never been made to feel like less cause you put your career over him cause he definitely wasn’t. He was worth more than any career in the whole entire world.

But now, all you could do was hang on to the little bit that was left of him.

You took his engagement band with you everywhere, and you never took yours off except for during interviews, so you wouldn’t raise any questions. You know you should have, but you just wanted to keep everything that made you hold onto the memories of when you two were together and happy.

Some nights, you just wanted to call him and tell him you wanted him back and you didn’t want to see him with anyone else but you, that no one else made you feel the way he did, as selfish as it was, you just wanted to tell him you wanted him to be yours again.

Cause no matter how hard you try. You just couldn’t let him go.

As you stared at the empty bottle of your favorite wine on your nightstand, even that reminded you of him, and like every night since your break up, you cried yourself to sleep.

Heeseung was back at his old restaurant job. Luckily for him, he left on good terms with everyone, and they were happy to have him back cause he was by far the best cook and worker there.

He was currently cooking and serving up dishes, frantically rereading order tickets to make sure he got all the orders correct.

It was only when he hit the bell and yelled, “Order for table fifteen,” that he heard an oh-so-familiar voice. He looked up at one of the TVs in the top left corner of the restaurant, and he was captivated by who he saw.

After a year, he remembers all the lyrics to that song, and he remembers reciting them to you a few weeks before your tour. That was one of his favorites from you.

Heck, all your songs were his favorite.

It was one of the first songs you had ever written. It was about how you two first met.

He couldn’t help but smile as he watched you live your dream. As much as you hurt him, he still just couldn’t forget about you. He tried to go out a little and find someone new, not to replace you but to move on, but that quickly came to an end when every time he even looked at a girl, all he saw was your pretty face.

Yeah, you said some really terrible things, but he knew deep down you didn’t mean that it was just a hard time for you both, but he knew things wouldn’t have worked. That’s why he didn’t go running back to you after all this time apart. He had done some thinking, and though he couldn’t see it right away, he knew your guy's breakup was inevitable.

Apart of him wishes, he didn’t walk out on you that day, but what would have changed? You were too busy for him. There was no longer a slot for him in your busy schedule anymore. He chalked it up to the right people wrong time.

Call him whipped. He didn’t care cause no matter what, you’d always be his girl, and he’d always be your number-one fanboy.

He sang along as he watched you fondly on the TV. He knew you had what it took to get where you are today. A doubt never crossed his mind when he first saw you perform. He knew you were made for it.

As you held the last note of the song, he held his breath, not blinking even once so he could capture this beautiful moment and store it in his heart forever. What could he say? He was a very sentimental guy.

Unknowingly he clapped for you while all his other co-workers were bumping into him and shouting his name so he could get back to work. 

“That’s my girl” He smiled proudly as the camera panned back and showed thousands of people in the crowd supporting you.

“In your dreams, kid, now stop daydreaming about a girl that doesn’t even know you exist. I need five more steaks, medium rare” His boss patted his shoulder lightly.

“Yes, chef!” Heeseung answered while wiping his hands on his towel before preparing fresh steaks for all the waiting customers. “If only he knew,” heeseung whispered and smiled to himself.

And if only he had of looked up for just a second, he would have noticed the camera do a close-up of your face and give him a clear view of his engagement band hanging off the dainty chain that you wore around your neck every performance.

As much as heeseung wanted to ignore it, he couldn’t. The billboards were literally everywhere, and he’s not sure if he was zeroed in on them just because it was you or if it was that you were really just that popular that your world tour was marketed on literally everything.

Though it didn’t much matter anyways cause he still saw it, and he had already purchased a front-row ticket to see you live in his city, one that he may have bought on resell, and he also may have spent his months' savings to get it.

He wasn’t stalking you, but he knew you had moved out some time ago after randomly hearing people chatting about you, and he might have watched a couple of your interviews from time to time just to see how you were doing.

Sadly, you never mentioned him in any of them, but why would you? You both literally broke things off a year ago. You probably didn’t even think about him anymore, or maybe you did, but he couldn’t really say.

Of course, he thought of calling though he wasn’t sure why exactly but whenever he did he reached the dial tone it didn’t come as a shock he knew when you moved you changed your number too, but it didn’t stop him from ringing a few times maybe it was just out of habit.

The idea of seeing you after all this time made him extremely nervous, but he just needed to see you one last time in person just to get the last little bit of closure his heart yearned for after missing you for a whole year.

Your nerves were going absolutely crazy. You were about to take the stage in five, and no matter how many shows you had done, this one definitely meant the most to you cause it was in your hometown. It was where everything began.

More importantly, it was where you and your favorite person met and got engaged.

You grabbed his ring, bringing it to your lips and kissing the silver band softly.

You thought back to everything that happened, and you knew no matter how things ended, heeseung was somewhere, and he was proud of you.

That’s just the type of guy he was, never one to harbor any malice in his heart. He was the true definition of an angel.

“On in two,” You heard in the background of your thoughts, and with that, you wiped your tears before straightening out your clothing and taking a deep breath.

“You’re gonna do great,” you muttered to yourself.

That’s what heeseung would have said if he was here right now and if you didn’t have that knowledge, you’re sure you wouldn’t have been able to take the stage.

You looked at the crowd from behind the curtain, and your heart sank even further. As shallow as it sounds and as dramatic as you were being, you couldn’t help but think this is what you traded heeseung for. This is what you gave up the love of your life for.

As you were lost in the thought, the final minutes passed, and before you knew it, you were going up on stage as the crowd roared for you.

Heeseung had been pacing back and forth on his lunch break. Today was the day of your concert, and he was chickening out. He got called into work today on his day off and deemed that to be more important than seeing you.

That’s what he tried to convince himself of, but he knew it was just him being a scaredy cat.

Your concert must have been on for at least an hour, and he had to drive at least half an hour to get to the venue.

Without thinking or notifying any of his co-workers, he got in his same little beater and sped off to the venue as fast as possible.

He may have been honked at, and he may have honked back, but after running at least two red lights and changing lanes without his signal, he was parked in front of the venue, hearing the music blasting throughout the arena.

He dashed out of his car and thanked whatever higher being that was out there cause, luckily for him. They haven’t shut the doors yet.

He got a couple of weird looks as he made his way through the crowd, still in his work uniform, but he didn’t care as he nearly tripped while trying to find his seat, row 1, seat 7. What coincidence, he thought you sat at table number 7 the night he first saw you, and now he was sitting in seat 7 the first time he saw you perform. “Lucky number 7,” he said and smiled.

Once he found his seat, he looked up from his ticket, and his heart nearly stopped as he heard the last bit of your latest song.

His mouth parted in awe, and in the moment, he wasn’t sad and thinking about your breakup. He wasn’t going to see you to try and win you back. 

He just wanted to watch his baby perform in front of thousands in your guy’s hometown, just like you and him always talked about always dreamed about.

Once your song ended, the lights dimmed, and you went backstage to change your outfit, getting ready to sing your unreleased song.

It was something special you had prepared just for this stop in your hometown.

You knew it would only break your heart even more to do this, but you had to. It felt right.

You changed into the same outfit the day heeseung proposed to you, looking at yourself with a forced smile in the mirror. You prepared yourself for your final song.

The loud cheers were drowned out by your seemingly never-ending thoughts today. The concert was everything you dreamed of and more it’s just too bad that Heeseung wasn’t here to see how far you’ve come.

You just wished you hadn’t said what you said and did what you did. It was selfish and hurtful, and you can’t imagine what he must have felt like. He literally sacrificed so much for you. But you were too stuck up to put yourself in his shoes for one day. You think maybe if you had of just listened to him one of the countless times he tried to express how he was feeling, maybe that dreadful day would have never come, and maybe he’d be in the front row watching and cheering you on right now as you sang your 15th and final song of the night.

Your feet moved on their own as you walked onto the dark stage. You stood in the middle, a spotlight shining above you that slowly panned back to the crowd, now giving the room a warm feel.

Everyone cheered loudly once you came back out on the stage, and you thanked them with a warm smile once they had quieted down a bit. “I have something special planned, but before I perform my last song, I’d just like to thank each and every one of you for coming out tonight.”

You were overwhelmed by the crowd noise, but you were so grateful for how loved you were by so many. “As a lot of you know, this is my hometown, and I made my first hit single in a little studio just about fifteen minutes from here” The crowd went silent and held on to every word as you gave your final speech. You were even more grateful for how respectful your fans were. “Performing here has always been my dream, and now that it has become a reality, this moment now holds a special place in my heart, and I’ll never forget this for years to come” You fought back the tears and tried to finish. What you prepared without getting too emotional.

“You can do it,” Heeseung muttered as he watched you wiping a few stray tears and holding the mic up to your mouth once more as the crowd encouraged you by cheering and whistling. “That’s my strong girl” He smiled proudly as you started to speak again.

“One thing a lot of you don’t know is that I used to share that studio with my boyfriend, well actually fiancé and now ex” You could hear the crowd gasping at the news that you’ve never told anyone, not even your parents cause you knew no matter what you told them they’d blame it all on heeseung and he didn’t deserve that especially cause it was all your fault.

Heeseung immediately froze up. Were you talking about him?

No.

You must be talking about someone you met after him, he quickly concluded.

“I wrote this song for him because he’s the reason I’m standing on this stage tonight in front of you all right now when no one else believed in me. He did. When I couldn’t afford the rent for the studio, he worked extra shifts just to make my dream come true.”

This sounded a lot like the experiences you both went through, but heeseung didn’t want to get his hopes up. It’s been a year. You could have had multiple ex’s by now, for all he knows.

“I never forgot the day he proposed to me. It was the best day of my life. My first single had just finished playing on the radio, and out of nowhere, he popped the question, and of course, I said yes” You smiled softly.

Now he was positive you were talking about him, and he teared up immediately. He remembers that day like yesterday. No wonder you were wearing that outfit. It all made sense to him now, and he was more than grateful that you mentioned him at your live show.

“Everything seemed to be perfect. My career was taking off. We were going to get married in the summer of last year, but my tour came up, and we spent less time together and more time fighting until one day, I said a lot of things that I didn’t mean, and that led us to break up” you said heartbroken you knew you were sharing a little bit too much, but you hoped after performing here and getting all this weight off your chest it would help you heal even just a little bit.

More loud gasps and murmurs were heard, but you didn’t let it get to you too much cause people always had something to say, rather it was good or bad.

Heeseung couldn’t stand to watch you so vulnerable up there and all alone. He wanted to jump on stage and pull you in his arms and tell you that everything was okay.

“As bad as this might sound if I could, I’d trade my career to have him back” You took a deep breath. “I’d give up all this just to call him mine again.”

“Stop saying nonsense,” heeseung’s voice cracked as he smiled sadly, a tear escaping his eye and trickling down his cheek.

“If he were here, I would tell him I’m sorry for everything and that he was right and tell him just how much I still love him” No matter how hard you tried to fight it, you couldn’t hide the pain in your voice as you spoke those words straight from your heart.

“I love you too, baby. I promised I’d never stop loving you” He’s a thousand percent sure he was getting weird stares, but once again, he didn’t care. Nothing else mattered but you, him, and this once in a lifetime moment.

You tried to lighten the mood a bit before your last song. “Oh, and one more thing, I’m in the mood for steak,” you laughed, and so did the crowd. Even though they had no idea what you meant by that, you knew heeseung would, though, but you were still thankful that they played along.

“Always in the mood for steak,” He laughed quietly and blinked his tears away, dabbing his nose.

You gave the crew a thumbs up, and your final song played. “Thank you all for coming tonight. It has been an honor to perform here. This is my unreleased song dedicated to my wonderful ex-fiancé. It’s called “Nobody gets me,” you spoke softly into the mic. “Thank you for everything, and thank you to everyone who traveled to come see me. Please have a safe trip home. I love you all.” You blew a kiss to the audience.

Heeseung was taking in the moment glancing at the crowd as they all watched you with phones in their hands and the flashlight on. This is what you both always dreamed of big lights, thousands of people, and him proudly cheering for you in the crowd.

Halfway through the song, his ears perked up at the familiar words you sang.

♪ Nobody gets me like you.

How am I supposed to let you go? Only like myself when I'm with you.

Nobody gets me. You do♪

He remembered telling you those words the day he proposed, and his heart nearly leaped from his chest.

You remembered.

♪If I'm real, I deserve less If I was you, I wouldn't take me back. I pretend when I'm with a man, it's you, And I know that it's too late.♪

The next few lines made his heartache. He didn’t feel that way at all. He would have taken you back in a heartbeat if you had of just called and apologized.

♪I don't wanna lose what's left of you.♪

You subtly pointed to the engagement band around your neck, and he didn’t miss it. If his eyes were correct, that was his ring.

After seeing that there was no way he was going to leave without seeing you again, he had so many questions to ask.

Your eyes searched the faces in the crowd, something you did from time to time to connect with your audience. You saw one face that stood out from the rest, and you could have sworn you were dreaming or someone was playing tricks on you cause there’s no way lee heeseung, your ex-fiancé slash love of your life, was watching you perform with the brightest smile on his face.

But even when you blinked and looked again, he was still there, giving you a shy wave with a sheepish smile as you teared up. The song was coming to a close, and you only looked at him the whole time.

♪You do Nobody gets me, you do (do) You do Nobody gets me, you do (do, ooh) You do, Nobody gets me, you do (do, ooh)♪

You looked directly into his eyes, not blinking for even a second as you closed out the song with tears in your eyes.

♪Nobody gets me. You do.♪

The lights dimmed, and all you heard were cheers as you made your way to the dressing room, clutching your chest while everyone congratulated you on your amazing performance backstage.

What is he doing here?

How was he here?

Why was he here?

Did a friend drag him here, or did he actually come to see you so? Many questions were swirling in your head, and it gave you a headache.

You were nearly hyperventilating as you took a drink from your cold water bottle.

You had been sitting there thinking about the last performance thinking about the way he looked at you with that beautiful smile of his.

He looked just the same.

“There you are,” you heard the voice of one of your managers. “Look who came to see you,” Steve smiled. He had known you and heeseung since way back, all the way back before you made your first single. He was the one that set up your tour last summer. He didn’t know why he started seeing less and less of heeseung as time passed or how you two ended, but when he asked. You just told him you were taking a break, and he never brought it up again since you seemed sensitive about the topic.

You turned in your seat, having a feeling you already knew who it was, and when your eyes met, you could have sworn you stopped breathing.

There he was in all of his beauty, and you smiled slightly when you saw him still wearing his chef jacket.

He smiled back at you shyly, and wow, were you absolutely gorgeous, just the way he remembered you. He knew it’s only been a year, but still. “Thank you, Steve. I owe you one,” heeseung shook your manager's hand.

“Hey, how about one of your infamous steaks? Since we’re in town,” Steve patted heeseung on the back with a light chuckle.

“You got it,” heeseung agreed, and Steve waved at you both before leaving you two alone.

Now that heeseung was alone with you for the first time in a year, the nerves had built up all over again. Still, he took confident strides toward you before he could even make it to you. You were already sprinting over to him with tears in your eyes as you wrapped your arms around him tightly.

You knew you had no right to, but you couldn’t help yourself.

He automatically welcomed you into his embrace, and it felt like you were never apart for even a second. That’s just how familiar you felt to him. 

“Hey, it’s okay, don’t cry, it’s okay,” he shushed you and patted your head softly.

“I’m so sorry,” you said over and over again. Finally, after a year, you could say the words that you should have said the day he left, even before the day he left.

His heart broke at the sound of your weak sobs, and he couldn’t help but tear up as well. He always cried when you cried cause no matter what, he never wanted you to be alone in anything that you did. If you were happy, he was happy with you. If you were sad, he was sad. He was never in between. “It’s all okay now, baby. I forgive you.”

When he said baby, you literally froze in your tracks and pulled away from him. “Baby?” You asked with a confused tone fighting back a smile after hearing him call you that after so long.

“Yes, you never stopped being my baby” You pulled him even closer to you, pressing a kiss on his lips, both of you getting a taste of the salty tears that stained both your cheeks.

“Hee,” you mumbled breathlessly and looked him in the eyes. You were so nervous about doing this, but you had to. You pulled away from the hug and unclasped your necklace, taking off his ring. “I-“He had already outstretched his hand, waiting for you to slip his ring back on his finger where it belonged. “I love you so much, hee” He pulled you into another tight hug, rocking you back and forth gently.

“I love you too, I love you, I love you, I love you” He playfully kissed every inch of your face, and though few words were shared since seeing him again, your performance and his silver ring shining on his finger said more than a million words.

You giggle, and it was music to his ears to hear after so long. You played with his little cravat on his chef jacket just like before, and he smiled brightly. “So, are you still in the mood for steak?” He chuckled with a raise of his brow.

“I’m always in the mood for steak” He hooked his arm around your waist, leading you two out of the back of the venue. You’d get Steve to cover for you for your sudden disappearance.

“That’s my girl” He leaned down and kissed your lips sweetly as you clutched onto him tighter. “Just wait till chef sees this,” he smiles proudly at you.

You just looked at him quizzically, and he just gave you a smile. “Did you enjoy the concert?” You ask him excitedly.

“Well……” he chuckles nervously. “How about we talk about it over dinner, Hmm?”

“Sure” The smile never left either of your faces as you drove to the restaurant in his beater, hand in hand.

As you look at him, he stares back at you with that one-in-a-billion smile of his, you made a promise to yourself to never hurt him again, and you swore you’d do whatever it took to keep him and that beautiful smile on his precious face.

Cause you’d never find anyone else that gets you like him.

FIN.

Thank you for reading. Please reblog and leave feedback! - 🐹

[vodika-vibes]

*breaks down your door in the middle of the night* first kiss in A/B/O AU with Alpha-17 and inexperienced F!Omega reader (not in a weird way ya know?) whose never been anyone’s first choice and is completely blown away that someone as awesome and amazing as Seventeen actually wants her romantically and not just physically. He makes her feel pretty and cherished and loved and she gives it back to him tenfold in return. (Not to show all my emotions at once. P.S. I read your fic with Keeli and it pulled at my tender heart strings it was so cute, yes I’m cross faded as a mf and fighting for my life this took me over 30min to write)

I See You

Summary: You’ve spent your whole life knowing that you’re not as important as the people around you. You’ve never been anyone’s first choice, not a day in your life. And that doesn’t change when you start puberty and realize that you’re an Omega. You’ve come to accept that, at best, some Alpha will pick you for your body, which will be the end of it. And then you meet Alpha-17, and for the first time in your life, you wonder “What if?”

Pairing: Alpha-17 x F!Reader

Word Count: 1585

Warnings: ABO AU, Reader is slightly insecure

A/N: So, full disclosure, I have no idea if this was a request or you just coming into my inbox to discuss it. So I made the decision that it was a request and wrote it! I hope you like it!

Join my taglist: HERE

There are some perks to living on Kamino.

Like the free suite that you can decorate how you like and the biweekly food delivery that allows you to cook whatever you want. Not to mention, you get free medical attention and as many blockers as you might need.

Plus, and here’s the biggest perk, you never have to see your “family” ever again.

Naturally, there are some downsides to Kamino too.

You work constantly and can be called into the lab at any hour of the day. There aren’t many places where you can spend your generous pay on Kamino (you have to order your clothes online and have them delivered). And you’re one of only a handful of human Omegas on Kamino. 

You’d think that that would force all of you to get together now and then to chat or whatever. But, the truth is, you have no desire to interact with the other Omegas.

Popular fiction tends to make people think that all Omegas are soft and demure and good. Honestly, you wonder if the authors have ever actually met an Omega or if they’re just fantasizing about what an Omega should be like.

Honestly, Isabet is as mean as a rancor with a toothache, and twice as violent. And she’s not afraid to take that temper out on anyone who gets in her way. Including you on several occasions.

You’re pulled out of your thoughts at the sound of the door to your lab opening, and you slide your gaze away from the machine that you’ve been staring at and willing to work faster.

Even clad in armor, it takes you less than a second to recognize the man standing in the doorway. 

No one on Kamino is quite as big as Alpha-17, after all.

A thoughtful frown pulls your lips down, and you turn away from your machine to pick up a nearby datapad to scan the information on it. Alpha-17 never comes to the labs unless he’s due for some testing. 

You scan the schedule, and then set the datapad back on a nearby table, “If you have an appointment, I’m afraid that no one notated it in the schedule.” You say apologetically.

He tugs his helmet off and sets it on a table near the door. “I don’t have an appointment,” Alpha explains as he rolls his neck with a slight grimace.

“Oh.” You watch him a moment longer, “Are your implants acting up?”

“They ache when it rains.”

You shoot him an odd look, “It’s always raining, Alpha.”

He tosses a grin in your direction, “I know what I said.”

A heavy sigh falls from your lips, “Alright. Take your armor off and hop up on the table and I’ll see what I can do. But you really should make an appointment, Alpha.”

He obediently strips out of his armor and peels off the top of his blacks, before he lays on his stomach on your examination table. “Why would I do that? We both know that you’ll see me even without an appointment.”

“What if I had been busy?” You ask as you step over to his side and scan the cybernetics with your eyes first, before grabbing a scanner and turning it on, “Or had an appointment with one of your brothers?”

“I’m more important.” Alpha counters as he turns his head to watch you work.

“Well, someone certainly has a healthy ego.” He laughs and you press your hand between his shoulder blades, “Lie still Alpha. I’m trying to scan your cybernetics.”

“Sorry, sorry.” He doesn’t sound very sorry though, “But, come on Doc, we both know that I’m just going to have to live with the pain.”

You frown at him, “I might be able to do something. I don’t want you in pain, Alpha.”

He catches your free hand and squeezes your fingers, “Which is why you’re my favorite.”

You shake your head with a soft laugh, “You don’t have to try and flatter me, Alpha. I’ll help you without it.” You slip your fingers from his grip and start the scanner.

“And why do you think I’m just trying to flatter you? Why can’t I mean it?” He asks as he tucks his arm back under his chin while you work.

You shake your head with a sigh, “Men like you don’t say stuff like that to women like me, Alpha.” You eye the scanner and scowl at it, “It says everything is connected properly, you can sit up. I’ll find some topical pain gel—” You trail off, your mind racing as you try to come up with ways to lessen his pain.

You’re so lost in your ponderings that you don’t realize that Alpha has sat up until his large hand wraps around your wrist and he lightly tugs you around to face him.

“Yes? What’s wrong?”

“I’d like some clarification.” Alpha’s dark eyes scan your face, and his severe expression softens, slightly. “What do you mean by ‘women like you’?”

“Oh,” You pause to gather your thoughts, “I’m just…” You hold your free hand to the side, “Not enough. Not smart enough, not clever enough, not pretty enough, not charming enough.”

Something forbidding slides across his face, though his grip around your wrist is still gentle enough that you could pull away if you wanted, “And who, Doc, told you that?”

A soft laugh falls from you, “Only everyone I’ve ever met. Well, barring you.”

“They’re wrong.”

“It’s fine, Alpha.” You try to reassure him, “I’ve long since come to terms with my lot in life.” He shoots you a puzzled look, so you clarify, “I’m never going to be anyone’s first choice. That’s just how it is sometimes.”

Alpha huffs, “Fine. We’re doing this then.”

“Beg pardon?”

“Not smart enough? You’re a doctor. A specialized doctor. How much smarter do you need to be?” Alpha lists, “Not clever enough? I know I saw you exchanging barbs with Vau the other day and you won. Not pretty enough?” Here, he pauses and scans your face, “Whoever told you that must be blind or stupid or both. As for not being charming, I happen to think you’re very charming. So they’re wrong about that too.”

“Oh…ah…” You blink at him, and you can feel your face burning, “Thank you?”

“Honestly,” His voice is light, “I find it absolutely shocking that you haven’t chosen an Alpha yet. Stars know you have to have your pick.”

“No one’s ever shown any interest,” You reply honestly.

Alpha-17 mutters something under his breath, though you can’t really hear what he’s saying even as close as you’re standing to him.

“Alpha, I need to find the ointment for you. Can I have my wrist back?” You ask as you touch the hand wrapped around your wrist gently.

He scans your face for a moment before something seems to settle over him. He’s always been a confident man, settled in his skin, but he suddenly seems more, and you’re not sure why.

“Alph—?”

“Can I kiss you?”

His question shocks you into silence, and you blink at him dumbly for a moment, “I…what?”

“I want to kiss you,” Alpha says as he releases your wrist and moves his hand to gently brush his fingers against your chin. And then he flashes a wry smile, “Well, full honesty, I want more than that. But I’ll start with a kiss.”

“I don’t—”

“I want to be your Alpha.” He clarifies, “I want you to be my Omega. But if you’re not interested then this will be the last time I bring it up.” Slowly he presses his forehead against yours.

And you stare at him, kind of feeling like you’ve been hit over the head with a sledgehammer. “You’d…pick me?” You ask.

“Yes.”

You believe him. He’s not the sort to lie to you.

“I’d like a kiss,” You whisper up to him.

He grins then and tilts your head so he’s able to press his lips against yours.

And it’s good. Better than good, it’s perfect.

You’re not able to help yourself from stepping closer to him, moving to stand between his thighs, and wrapping your arms around his neck. Alpha’s arms wrap securely around your waist as he tugs you as close as he can and he holds you tightly, as if afraid that someone might rip you from him.

When he breaks the kiss, you’re breathing is slightly unsteady, something that makes him smile smugly. “We can go as slow as you want,” He murmurs, his lips brushing against your cheek, “But you are mine now, little omega.”

You hesitate for a moment, but then you smile at him, “And you’re mine?”

Alpha laughs then, “And don’t you forget it.”

Slowly he releases you, and you take a step back. You take a deep breath to steady yourself, and then take another step back, “If you still want that pain ointment, Alpha—”

“Maybe later.” He stands, “I have ARCs who need training.” Alpha glances at you, “If I chrome by your suite tonight, maybe you can give me some options to handle the pain?”

“I can do that.” You reply with a small smile.

Alpha lightly brushes his fingers against your cheek, “It’s a date.” He ducks his head to kiss you one more time, and then he leaves. And you’re left with butterflies in your stomach, and excitement in your heart.

You’ve never been anyone’s first choice. 

But Alpha…he’s different. And now you know it.

@bad4amficideas @justiceandwar98 @Mira-Loves-Star-Wars @tiredbi-peach @dukeoftheblackstar

@trixie2023 @kimiheartblade @padawancat97 @falconfeather23435 @etod

@bb8-99 @kiss-anon @continous-mistakes @imabeautifulbutterfly @n0vqni

[moodymisty]

Instead of Lorgar getting cucked by Erebus (shudders) what about Argel Tal? He’s a Word Bearer space marine and I’ve heard good things about him. Also, this way we can have had Lorgar get cucked by his father (Emepror), his brother (Horus), and his son (Argel Tal)

Author’s note: I’m sorry I couldn’t not do it XD I'm normally really not a cheating/NTR type of person, but i had this idea and decided to just go for it.

Warnings: very vaguely lewd, Cheating, You are Lorgar’s beloved but he’s been gone for almost two years so Argel’s gonna tap that

Lorgar was often gone for so long.

For months, months apon months, It wasn't uncommon for life ending droughts and city destroying floods to happen in his absence. Entire building erected or torn down.

It's approaching a year and a half now since he left, and if it weren't for the murals, tapestries and art, you would've sworn you had begun to forget the details of his face.

You've stopped sleeping in his room since. You couldn't do it anymore. Something about it just felt so empty and cold.

He’s due to be gone for months longer still, as his crusade has drifted him so far from home. The letters and vox calls have stopped since, it's too far for them to reach Colchis.

It’s been so lonely. The emotional loneliness, the lack of someone to talk to…

The physical loneliness; The want for a hug, and a warm bed.

Argel Tal has at least been saying your need for the first type, talking with you as you look over the balcony. You’re leaning against it, dress gently flowing in the wind as the cool night air hits your skin, while Argel grasps it with a single, armored hand. You're surprised he's made such good company, normally the astartes are so stoic that it's hard to speak to them for more than a bit at a time.

Then again, you also think he's doing it because Lorgar ordered him to. To keep an eye on you. You only have an inkling, but even if he was, at least he seems to be enjoying it a bit none the less. You are as well.

The conversation has tapered off however, and you watch lights in the far distance flicker while the stars shine in the sky. It's peaceful. Argel breaks the silence with his voice- deep and rumbling in that odd astartes way.

"...Do you miss him, my Lady?"

He takes off his helmet, looking down at you. You hear the soft clink as he hangs it on his belt. It takes a moment for you to gather the words.

"I do, more than anything, but..."

You hesitate. Argel Tal is his son, one of his prized captains. His look is expectant, and for some reason you perhaps naively think he won't misconstrue your words.

"He's been gone for so long that I almost miss him less. Like when someone dies and you miss them with all your heart, but the wound slowly fades."

Argel looks down at you, jaw shifting as he thinks.

“Perhaps the others might not but, I understand.”

You breathe a sigh of relief.

“Thank you, Argel. You are a good man.”

Argel smiles, his tan skin scarred across his cheeks but still warm. You can't help but smile back at him as a cold breeze makes you shiver.

“I am honored you think that.”

Argel has so much humility compared to the other Word Bearers you’ve met, it’s refreshing. It also helps that he isn't as dedicated to Lorgar's titles for you; And had listened to your request when you told him to not use them.

You've been always looking forward to seeing him in these moments. It's the most joy you get in weeks long stretches at a time.

“I,” You don’t know why you hesitate, for a moment. “I should head to bed. Thank you for your time again, Argel. I hope you know how much I appreciate you being here.”

The astartes nods, pulling away from the railing as you do the same.

"You make good company as well. Astartes like I don't often get to speak with normal humans beyond giving orders." You give him another smile, before wishing him good night. He nods and leaves you, after you politely declined his offer to bring you to your quarters.

When you had, he seemed like he had something a bit more to say, but instead closed his mouth and walked away.

You decided about halfway that you would return to Lorgar's personal quarters instead; Perhaps to read a few of his books before trying to sleep. It probably wouldn't help, but you still wanted to try anyways. It was a long walk to get across the palace to where his quarters were, and by the time you got there you felt like sitting down.

You close the massive doors behind you, looking around. The bed is made from the last time you were in here, not a thing out of place. All the papers on his desk are scattered just the same, things half written or abandoned; Almost as if frozen in time.

Suddenly the sound of footsteps right outside causes you to turn back towards the door with a look of surprise, which only grows widen when the door is shoved open to reveal Argel. He’s removed his armor in the short time since he left, walking towards you in only his loose robes.

You don’t have time to say anything; Argel’s hands grab your face with both hands around your jaw- ignoring your shock gasp and instinctive fear has massive hands reached towards your neck - and leans downward to smash his lips against yours. He is rough and unforgiving, but even in his forcefulness you can feel something gentle there.

“You cannot tell Lorgar about these sins I have already committed,”

He says, lips brushing over yours. You could say the same as well. You are his beloved, but not yet wife.

But you are also so, unbelievably lonely.

“I won’t, I won’t ever-“

His lips are back on yours, and you attempt to pull him towards the bed. Any hope in realizing you shouldn’t do this is gone, you lost it as his hands gripped the thin fabric of your nightdress. You lost it in the desire for some sort of company, to fill the places in your heart Lorgar's constant abandonments leave ripped open.

Your back hits the bed and Argel follows.

“Tell me what you want, before I lose myself to my own selfishness.”

His body is so heavy, but he’s unfraid to push his weight against you. He takes the breath from your lungs, his hand tight on your waist.

“Just… Just touch me.”

[allwaswell16]

A One Direction fic rec of fics where at least one of the main characters has trust issues as requested in this ask. If you enjoy the fics, please leave kudos and comments for the writers! You can find my other fic recs here. Happy reading!

🌊 Love After the End of the World by @mercurial-madhouse

(E, 162k, dystopian) When staying alive is already a constant battle, the deadliest weakness is to be in love. For Harry and Louis, finding each other sits on top of the endless list of What Else Could Go Wrong.

🌊 Saving Symphony Hall by @helloamhere

(E, 124k, omegaverse) “That’s the attitude,” said Louis, “I’ll tell you tomorrow. Tonight, I need to do some research. Zayn, give me your number. I’m gonna save our symphony.”

🌊 And What If I Were You by jacaranda_bloom / @jacaranda-bloom

(E, 109k, famous/not famous) For Louis, will losing his sight give him the clarity to realise what is right in front of him? For Harry, will losing the love of his life give him the strength to finally open his heart? And can they find their way back, before they lose each other forever?

🌊 Say Something by @kingsofeverything

(E, 105k, age difference) At fifty years old and recently divorced, Omega Harry Styles isn't interested in dating. When his doctor suggests a heat and rut matching service, he signs up out of necessity. It’s the only use he has for an Alpha in his life.

🌊 Emperor's New Clothes by sunsetmog / @magicalrocketships

(E, 92k, famous/not famous) Harry’s a pop star and Louis isn’t, and there’s a non-disclosure agreement where there used to be a relationship.

🌊 One More Taste of Your Lips by @canadianlarrie, MsHydeStylinson / @mizzhydes

(E, 80k, canon) It had been eight years since the hiatus began, and Louis had spent that time writing and recording music, touring and making it safely through the pandemic. When the opportunity arose to go back on tour with One Direction, Louis knew he'd be a fool not to take it. 

🌊 I Walk the Line by Awriterwrites / @a-writerwrites

(E, 55k, uni) Professor Louis Tomlinson is the leading researcher in his field. Harry Styles is Louis’ recently hired grad assistant. Sparks fly between them but something doesn’t add up when it comes to Harry, and Louis is determined to find out what.

🌊 where the lights are beautiful (series) by twoshipsdrifting / @polkadotlou

(E, 48k, omegaverse)  the accidental bonding a/b/o fic.

🌊 To Be Loved and To Be In Love by RealName

(M, 34k, First Dates au) Louis Tomlinson is a thirty-year-old divorcee whose friends have signed him up for the Channel 4 show First Dates. Harry Styles is a twenty-eight-year-old lawyer who has never been in a long-term relationship.

🌊 Compass to my Soul by LadyLondonderry / @londonfoginacup

(T, 31k, omegaverse) Louis Tomlinson, omega, is 1/5 of world famous boy band One Direction. He spends his time hoping his bandmates don’t notice him.

🌊 A Road To Something Better by @taggiecb

(E, 25k, small town) Louis Tomlinson, famous romance novelist, has just had the rug pulled out from under his feet when his boyfriend leaves him without notice. What's the most appropriate response to this? Move a thousand miles away and seclude himself in a tiny lake town, of course. 

🌊 I Don't Wanna Fall Asleep by therogueskimo / @bravetemptation

(NR, 23k, exes) AU where Harry has trouble sleeping unless he’s wrapped in Louis’ arms. Louis left him 4 years ago.

🌊 let your lights shine by hazkaban

(M, 22k, football) AU where Louis is a faded professional footballer (soccer player) whose career is nearly ruined by an injury. Harry's his physiotherapist.

🌊  Might’ve Took The Long Way by LiveLaughLoveLarry / @loveislarryislove

(M, 21k, exes to lovers) Now Harry is back in town, and no matter how many times Louis tells himself they can’t be together, they keep falling right back into each other.

🌊 He Was a Different League (When I Was Nothing Much) by @afangirlfantasy

(NR, 21k, Marcel) an AU where finding that 'someone new' actually leads to finding that 'someone old,' and Marcel is painfully oblivious.

🌊 A Small Matter (A Matter of Trust) by @kingsofeverything

(E, 18k, tiny penis fic) Harry knows he and his Grindr hookup would be perfect together, if only he could convince him to give a relationship a chance.

🌊 Once The Dark Divides by zanni_scaramouche / @zanniscaramouche

(E, 14k, bdsm) Louis finds out his childhood best friend is a Dom and somehow convinces him it's a good idea to learn about the world of kink with a hands on lesson

🌊 A Silver Lining In A Storm (You Were Lightning, I Was Born) by @fallinglikethis

(E, 6k, omegaverse) after the death of his first fiancé, a man who turned out far worse than Harry thought possible, his subsequent marriage to the man's brother leaves Harry finding it difficult to trust that everything will work out.

- Rare Pairs -

🌊 Bloom by LadyAJ_13 / @ladyaj-13

(T, 28k, Louis/Liam) In early 1970s Oxford, Detective Sergeant Louis Tomlinson has to deal with the dual pressures of a case that hits too close to home, and the arrival of new colleague Liam Payne.

🌊 One by @allwaswell16

(E, 4k, Louis/Tommy Shelby) When omega Louis Tomlinson becomes pregnant after an unexpected encounter, he decides his only option is to flee his pack. But Tommy Shelby, pack alpha of the Peaky Blinders, might not be willing to let him go so easily.

🌊 When We Hold On (To the Past) by YesIsAWorld / @louandhazaf

(E, 3k, Zayn/Louis) Zayn could drop the subject and keep fucking him, keep the strings from getting attached, pretend that they weren’t getting closer than Louis was comfortable with. Or Zayn could choose the opposite path—which he did.

[stargirlfics]

B U T T E R F L Y

Joel Miller x Black Latina Reader

Summary: Sometimes the path to healing starts with a reminder of what’s been lost

Warnings: 18+ ONLY, death tw, child death tw, some TLOU spoilers but doesn’t follow canon, post-outbreak!Joel, angst, hurt/comfort, trauma and violence mentions, fluff, slow burn vibe, mutual pining

Word Count: 5.6k

My mind has been stuck on the butterfly imagery connecting Sarah and Joel in the show, and in the game too! I grew up hearing from my abuelita that monarch butterflies are symbols of loved ones who’ve passed and I thought that would fit well here! This fic explores grief and pain but also finding hope through it too 🦋

To be soft-hearted at the world’s violent end, that’s where you’d decided to make a home for your heart with all its fragile beating.

Doomed is what they all said you were, surviving the outbreak this long sooner or later came with a price and they had been right, but still, half out of spite, half out of needing something to hang onto, the tenderness of you remained.

Surviving was a miracle and most could go on just grateful to wake up another day, but you’d seen how void life was lived here in the ruins of a former world, and as doomed as it all appeared, you tried your best to find pockets of light where you could, fighting the urge to shut yourself away. 

Because maybe one day those pockets of light would be abundant where they were once scarce, maybe one day, if you kept yourself open to it, there would be a sign of a changing tide to let you know you were finally safe. 

How strange signs could be, in plain sight but unseen until your brain could catch up with what your soul was feeling, and rarely did they ever come without complexity. 

In your case, that complexity came with a stern scowl that belonged to one Joel Miller. 

The first whispers you’d ever heard about Joel were that he was grumpy, stubborn, and not the kind of man to be messed with. He was the muscle behind trades done in shadowed alleys here in the QZ, illegal substances, weapons, extra ration cards, you name it. 

He was intimidating to most people, even you; having a reputation for being a man of few words and an even shorter fuse would do that but you knew there to be sorrow there too, etched deep in the lines of his face, reflecting like moonlight in his eyes. 

You’d never spoken to him, not in all your time in Boston, always seeming to narrowly avoid crossing paths, but you often saw him from afar. In the town square, catching glimpses of him waiting in line to collect a job’s earnings or in the pit, hauling bodies to the acrid cremation pyres smoldering hot throughout the day. 

If you thought about it, that’s where you saw the sorrow most.

That old, faded bandana he wore over his nose to block out the stench of burning gave you the clearest view of his eyes; sad, angry orbs fixated on the task like it was penance for him. 

All those hushed whispers told you he wasn’t a good man, that he had hurt people to get what he needed, and that wasn’t a surprise, you’d seen it enough to understand the grim nature of the wasteland you were in, how people often turned against each other if they thought it meant they’d live to see another day. 

Maybe that understanding was how it happened that day, the first time you’d meet, something in your soul already well tangled with something in his yet neither of you knew it yet. 

You’d been expecting someone else at your door that evening, a friend of yours with a bag of good soil snuck in from the outside in exchange for a radio of yours that was in decent shape. 

Instead, you were greeted by Joel Miller, bag in hand, a frown already on his face as he explained the switch up, even pointing to a note on the bag in your friend's handwriting to vouch for him. 

His voice had caught you off guard, a low, gruff bass in his careful cadence, Texan accent making the words go down smooth. 

“Okay, no problem, she did tell me she wasn’t sure if she would really make use of it. You can step in if you want, I’ll just be a second.”

Maybe you shouldn’t have been so trusting. 

That’s how people got robbed, taken advantage of, murdered and you weren’t going to get any sympathy from neighbors or any FEDRA soldiers in the area if something were to happen but despite that, and his reputation, you didn’t feel unsafe. 

Quite the opposite. 

Joel was certainly the grumpy type and you didn’t doubt he was capable of hurting you if he wanted but as you returned with the radio you found him just where you’d left him, his body filling your doorway in a way that reminded you of a guard dog. 

Something had caught his eye in the time it had taken you to walk back, gaze fixed somewhere behind you. 

It took you a second to realize what exactly he was staring at, eyes tracking him and following until they landed on the butterfly figurine hanging from the makeshift curtains of your kitchen sink window. 

Golden hour light warming the window had bathed the glass winged butterfly in its rays, casting fractals of color across the wall and the worn wooden floors. 

You studied his face for a moment then, a familiar kind of sadness reaching his eyes, the darkened circles underneath them a little more noticeable now. 

You wondered when the last time he got any proper sleep was. 

“I made it…” interrupting his thoughts gently you gestured towards the window when he looked at you in question, “La mariposa...took me ages to fit the glass and wire together right but I think it came out ok.”

He grunted in response, finally handing over the bag of soil when you noticed the slightest tremble in his hands. 

Oh…so he’d been caught off guard too. 

Something about your butterfly had shaken him up and you were curious, who could blame you for being tempted to cross what you were sure he would say was a line, but you pretended not to notice, trying to offer him some privacy, a second to collect himself. 

You’d appreciate it if he did the same for you in his place after all. 

The exchange was completed swiftly after, a palpable silence settling between you before he was leaving almost as quickly as he arrived, taking the fading summer sunset with him.

–

Joel barely slept that night, woken by nightmares again, a routine he was familiar with, haunted by the same old ghosts but it was different this time, the barbed wire around his heart digging in just a little extra, memories of her surfacing. 

Sarah. His Sarah.  

He didn’t realize just how long it had been since he was reminded of her this way, of what it felt like to be her father, shutting himself off to that years ago, unable to think about his life with her before because that pain was nearly unbearable. 

There is only after, the after in which she doesn’t exist, where he searches for her in his sleep and wakes knowing he won’t find her. 

Because he watched her slip away, had pleaded and begged to the skies to bring her back, had held her in his arms, hands stained red with her blood, and had to accept that she was gone and he was granted no time to say goodbye. 

Days turned to weeks, months into years and he had learned to operate on a certain level of numbness, just focused on surviving, never getting too attached, acting cold and angry, just a dead man walking. 

Until now, his chest nearly caving in with the truth that he was still breathing even after so long spent closed off. 

He wasn’t even sure why he’d considered your friend’s offer to complete the exchange at all, he knew he shouldn’t have, the radio you traded wasn’t in as great a shape as he would have liked, he knew that upfront and still begrudgingly agreed, not expecting to feel so exposed, so upended by a simple encounter.

That butterfly shining in the sunlight of your kitchen made his heart stop the second he saw it, flashes of memory surfacing, almost like his little girl was pulled to the surface of his skin again, like if he stepped inside he could reach out and she’d be there. 

A dreadful reality had washed that away after a moment, grief swallowing up the hope just as he knew it would, like it always had, but something was undeniably different this time for Joel. A difference that left an ache in his center. 

Because for those few fleeting seconds, he had felt alive again. 

–

The second time you met Joel was intentional, another bag of soil in exchange for some instant coffee this time. 

It was still early morning when he knocked on your door, quiet, hands tucked in the pockets of his jeans and a sleepy kind of softness that you hadn’t seen before around the edges of his eyes which made you wish he didn’t look so inviting then. 

It wasn’t so hard to look at him as unapproachable as he made himself seem, he was handsome, the streaks of gray peppered in his hair and along his beard lending to his rugged look. 

“About the coffee, it’s not as strong as it could be but it’s the best I’ve got,” you handed over a jar, watching him open the lid and sniff its contents.

“That’ll do just fine.” 

Relief arrived at his approval, you gathered it’d been a while since he had any and you were glad your stash wasn’t a disappointment. 

You watched as he knelt down to set his backpack on the floor, stowing the jar inside and handing you the bag of fertilizer mix you had inquired about. 

It wasn’t long now before he’d be out the door again, these things were best kept short and simple but as you thanked him for the exchange and moved to store the bag with your other garden supplies, you noticed a moment of reluctance. 

Joel didn’t plan on lingering around now that you both had what you came for but then he was reminded of what he felt the last time he’d been in your space and his mouth was moving with the thoughts that were swimming in his head before he could bite back the words.

“That’s a good amount of soil you have, got some sorta secret garden FEDRA don’t know about?”

Suddenly you felt very silly for wanting to smile at his curiosity but also recognized the significance of him asking. 

“Something like that, yeah. I…actually found a spot of flowers growing through one of the QZ fences and I’ve been tending to it. It's no garden but the flowers are in bloom now, first time I’ve seen real butterflies in years.” 

You watched him perk up at the mention of real butterflies, furrowed brows hiding the flicker of emotion mere seconds later but it was too late, you’d seen it already. 

Up until now, your little patch of greenery had been a private endeavor. 

Something for you to put some love and effort in, and just a quiet, secluded place to be, to clear your head or be alone for a while, away from some of the chaos in the streets, and yet here you were, now, carefully asking him if he’d like to see it too. 

You thought just maybe, bringing him there would do him as much good as it had done you. 

And it’s there, in that moment when he says yes that you see all that hard exterior start to slip just an inch.  

It’s an inch you can work with. 

–

Early morning dew still clings to the soft blades of grass sprouting up near the fence line, the section where you’d been taking care of the vegetation noticeably more vibrant with color and growth. 

Slowly, you’d been replacing the dirt, had saved as many roots and sprouts as possible, taking care in replanting them, and from there, a shabby little makeshift garden bed had formed. 

This would be your third week caring for it and now Joel was trailing behind your steps to see it too.

His body language was tense like he couldn’t quite be sure you weren’t actually taking him to some secluded corner to ambush him, but you get it.

Being wary was smart, but you couldn’t lie that it was satisfying to let him take it in without explaining anything first, the tension in his shoulders easing, sagging when his eyes fell upon the dusky blue flowers and rich green leaves and vines growing up from the ground, searching for the sun’s nourishment. 

Joel couldn’t be certain whether it was the day’s first tendrils of summer heat making him feel warm or the fluttering orange and speckled black wings of a butterfly nestled atop a marigold. 

He glances at his wrist, at the memento that never leaves his side, a broken watch, and there’s a moment of clarity in the silence where Joel can feel it, all the shattered parts of him spilling out, and there isn’t any way he can catch it all, he’s already too late and he knows it. 

Panic works its way into his bloodstream, causing his hands to shake, not used to being so disarmed, so flayed open. 

His fingers curl into a fist, trying to steady himself, needing a moment to catch his breath, to process. 

And there you were, your gentle voice cutting through the noise in his head and that tidal wave of emotion. 

“They’re monarch butterflies, which means they’re special,” you’ve moved a little closer now, watching another one land next to its friend on the flower. 

“What makes' em’ so special?” Joel takes a deep breath and you do too. 

You thought for a second he might shut down and walk away, there wasn’t anything keeping him here after all, he had the coffee he came for and yet still took you up on your offer. That in itself was difficult not to attach yourself to immediately but there was no denying it felt good to know you’d earned maybe an ounce of his trust. 

“In Mexico, my abuela used to say they were a sign of the dead coming to visit the living, loved ones, our ancestors, the monarchs carry their souls to us. I think they’re good luck too.”

The smile working its way onto your lips is fond, sad, one you knew he’d recognize, the silent but shared knowledge of loss was a heavy burden to carry. There was no mistake about it, but being here, amongst your flowers and your butterflies made it easier. 

Orange and gold halos shimmered around the plant life softly swaying with the wind, your own features now warmed with the climbing sun, brown skin shining deeper under the light. 

Joel was looking at you now, following your words. The meaning of what you were both looking upon hitting him square in the chest when that feeling blooms behind his eyes again, that itch of something alive, something beautiful growing again amongst concrete ruins.

And it's there, standing next to you, watching you water the soil while butterflies float around you that he works out what that feeling must be. 

Salvation. 

–

After that morning, trading goods with Joel became a regular occurrence. 

Soil for another stash of coffee or a packet of seeds for a hunting knife in need of experienced hands, neither of you quite sure how it happened but eventually the trades became more like friendly favors to each other than practical transactions. 

Your ‘garden’ also became a frequent place for you both to go, so much so that on any given day you could bet he was there, a quick stop on his way back home, or in the morning before the day started, it became an unspoken shared refuge. 

Joel helped you fix up the makeshift garden beds when it became clear your tender care of the plants called for an upgrade and you were grateful for it, dismissive at first, not wanting him to feel obligated.

You could handle yourself around a hammer and a few nails but he insisted and you relented, the two of you knelt under the setting sun, working on the task together. 

It didn’t matter that it was closing in on curfew time, or that you didn’t really have anything to compensate him for his time because, the moment itself, the small inklings of trust building between you were actually far better. 

That’s when you started to see him nearly every day, sitting against bomb-scarred concrete, always facing those marigolds, the ones the monarch butterflies you’d told him about always flocked to. 

At first you kept your distance, knowing better than to pry. 

It was clear he’d been through a lot, most his age-if you were guessing correctly-had, old enough to have lived a good portion of their lives before the outbreak, the last witnesses of an old world. You wanted to respect that and as long as he was finding some sort of peace here, you were content. 

You didn’t mind his company either, he wasn’t much of a talker, but his presence was comforting and familiar and you felt safe with him near. 

Eventually though, keeping him at a distance became impossible, both of you stumbling through the uncertainty of what to say to each other yet not giving up on trying at the same time. 

And Joel had resisted too, had tried to keep his words short, always residing somewhere in between neutral and aloof but the more he watched you in your element, amongst the seedling sprouts and vines and moss, the more it made him want to talk.

It was easy to find his voice around you. 

You were soft-hearted, he could see that and it wasn’t easy to get used to the way you looked at him, like you cared, like you understood something about his brokenness right away, had let him sit here day after day watching the butterflies because somehow you knew it’s what he needed, but he didn’t mind the learning curve either. 

His usual annoyance and reluctance to speak about feelings couldn’t keep up this time surrounded by reminders of Sarah, coaxing the small part of him that hadn’t died with her out of its state of numbness, softening him again. 

‘You were never gonna do it for yourself’ rings in his ears. 

He’d never been much good at that, doing things for himself, and Sarah was always so clever about calling it out, even now, nudging him awake again after all these years. 

It’s why he decides to tell you when you ask one day, sitting next to him on sun-warmed stone. 

He merely came by to sit for a little while and clear his head and found you already sat in his usual spot, butterfly watching, your eyes telling your secret, that you had been crying before he arrived, his first instinct carrying him forward, to your side. 

He offered you some water, even sliced an apple in half to share with you, pleased with himself when he got a smile out of the gesture but remained as quiet as you were, wanting you to feel like you could just be. 

“Who do they remind you of?” your voice was small, unsure of how he’d react to the question, overexplaining in hopes it would make him recoil less, “It’s okay if you can’t talk about it, I understand. It’s just that…what I told you about the monarch butterflies, I really do believe in it you know, the people I’ve lost…they feel so close to the surface, like they’re watching over me and I think you feel the same.” 

Joel nods after a moment and you’re exhaling a breath you didn’t realize you were holding.

It takes him a moment but he finds the words. 

“My daughter…her name was Sarah. They were her favorite, actually, since she was bout old enough to talk. I used to call her my little butterfly when she was a baby which, yeah, got real old when she started middle school but I liked to remind her anyways, just to see her roll her eyes at me. Just as long as she knew I loved her, you know, that I never stopped, not since the moment I held her in my hands for the first time.”

It broke your heart to hear. 

And it hurt him too, to speak about her and then remember that he had lost her, that twenty years had passed and he couldn’t remember what she smelled like anymore, and he hated the nightmares but without them, he was afraid of forgetting her face, her eyes, the coils of her hair, the sound of her voice calling out to him. 

It was only now that he was seeing how deep he’d pushed it all down, bottled up tight out of fear, and then somehow you’d entered his life, Molotov aimed straight at his heart, stunning him into remembering her the way she deserved to be. 

“I’m so sorry,” you extend all the comfort you can, knowing there weren’t any words that would ever make it right but you wanted to try anyway. 

“Yeah, me too. But you’re right, she feels close, and I know you’ve put it together by now but it’s why I’ve been sittin here every day, I see those butterflies and I see her, I remember her and it feels...good. I didn’t want it to; don’t really trust things that feel good but it does and I wanna thank you for that, for letting me have that.” 

He worries he’s said too much, or said the wrong thing, wanting to kick himself because he was never much good at words either but the sight of your lips pulling up into a small smile came as a relief. 

“She’s with you, Joel. And there’s no need to thank me, it’s been good for me too, doing all this. I think it helps.” 

He nods again, agreeing before asking you the same question, extending an opportunity to open up too; a big step when keeping personal histories to a minimum was the lay of the land around here. 

And it wasn’t easy, to talk about the things that hurt, baring your grief to Joel, and trusting him with it but you did and he had held it so gently, understanding it for what it was. 

Looking back you think maybe it’s there that things started to change, where your life and his started to merge. 

Sometime after that conversation you gifted him one of those glass winged butterflies like the one in your window, showing it to him one evening in the garden, earning you the first real smile you’d ever seen from him. 

It was after he told you more about himself, about Sarah, his brother Tommy, recounting happy memories; like the time he and Tommy surprised Sarah with her own soccer ball for her birthday one year, how he’d caved almost immediately the time she begged him to get her a polaroid camera, and you shared too, thinking on good times you’d had with the people in your life. 

It meant a lot to Joel that you spent time crafting the ornament, knowing just how deep the symbolism of it went for him. 

You were always doing that, looking out for him, planting tiny seed after tiny seed, slowly working your magic on him, ensnaring him deep, making him want to look out for you too. 

Under the fading sun again you sat with him, watching the marigolds, the calm, slow fluttering of wings, and it’s in that same spot that you find your hand in his for the first time. 

No words needed to be said, this was far better. 

A little while later you saw your gift hanging from the window in his living room, right next to the radio you had first traded him for.

The two of you had found yourselves escaping the heat here after some time tending the garden together, pulling weeds, clearing new soil of rocks and rubble, now sharing his couch, a rusty old fan that still somehow worked cooling the sweat prickling the back of your neck.

Curfew hour was nearing and you knew you would have to start making your way back home but Joel warned that he’d heard from a FEDRA officer he did trades with that they were patrolling the streets early the next few nights.

You knew why, it was hard to forget the hail of gunfire last night, a group of Fireflies going after a group of officers on patrol, a fight that neither one had won. 

Tensions in the QZ had been high all day since then and Joel suggested that you stay here with him for the night, saying he didn’t want you dealing with anything that might be going on out there.

He was being protective, a disapproving frown on that handsome face of his when you told him you didn’t want to intrude on his space but he was right, things had already started looking a little dangerous on your way back from the garden and you appreciated that he was trying to keep you safe. 

So you stayed. 

Curled up on Joel’s old, worn couch with a blanket that smelled like him tucked around you, the white noise of the fan still blowing and the knowledge that he wasn’t far, just in the next room over, carried you off to sleep.

–

One night had turned into two and then three and somewhere in the last couple months of summer that were left, you spent most of your days and nights with Joel. 

No label had been applied to whatever your situation was with him, you knew better than to ask, this all needed time, and you were okay with that, just content on holding onto this good thing with him. 

Because you liked being around, like sharing a space with him and sitting in the garden together, opening up to each other more and more every day. 

It was nice watching Joel come out of that hardened shell of his, watching him find it easier to talk about things, noticing him trying to live life more, not as reluctant to connect. 

Things were good, not to say that there hadn’t been bad days amongst all the progress made, there were plenty of them in fact. 

Days where old patterns became default again, stretches of nights where the nightmares returned, both of you trying to wade through it. 

When the aching of old wounds came knocking and the walls came back up again. 

You hated to fight with Joel when that happened, and you hated not being on the same page but he was so stubborn it wasn’t always easy to bite back your frustration. 

He had told you about his past, about the people he hurt in those early days and it’s something he wrestled with, believing in the goodness you saw inside him when all he could see were the bad things.

It frustrated you sometimes, how he preferred to shut himself off, to you, to Sarah’s memory because he felt like his hands were too dirty, too blood-stained to even try. 

“Que, no entendes?! Please, Joel! Stop trying to be something you aren’t. You think you aren’t a good man but bad people don’t get upset about being bad. Do you think you can just turn it off, the part of you that was always a good man, a good father? Well sorry, but you can’t, that’s who you are to your core, I saw it the first moment I met you and every time since then.” 

 “I’ve killed people,” his tone was mean, and venomous, another attempt at pushing you away. “Goddamnit, it’s not as simple as-”

“I get that! Look I know that you’ve done bad things but you’ve also spent every waking moment punishing yourself for it, do you realize that? All these years you’ve been paying your penance any way you can and I’m trying to tell you it’s okay live well, that you don’t have to torture yourself anymore because we have to try and make something out of all this pain.” 

It wasn’t easy to get him to see what you saw but you didn’t back down, even when it would have been easy to, Joel knew it too, guilt washing over him as you looked at him then, tears brimming in your eyes. 

“You’ve endured enough.” 

It’s those final three words from you that makes him ease up, a reminder you nudged him with often, that he could rest already, could make amends by making a choice to find the light. 

He lets you take some space from him, coming to find you before bed because he doesn’t want to fall asleep without fixing things. 

“I’m sorry. That wasn’t fair, talkin to you like that. You’re just tryna help my sorry ass and I haven’t thanked you enough. I’m gonna get better at that.” 

It’s the first time you ever hug him, noticing the tremble in his hands as he says the words, feeling the sincerity in his voice, unable to stop yourself from all but barreling into his arms. 

He’s still for only a moment before his arms wrap around you in return, the two of you bathed in moonlight, that butterfly still hanging in his window, pushing you towards each other again just like it had when you first met. 

–

Eventually, the day comes when the monarchs leave, the approaching fall and winter seasons carrying them to warmer places, a solemn change in what had been yours and Joel’s routine. 

The absence of the butterflies that had provided so much hope the last few months was felt, but the world was also a lot more open and wide now too. 

You no longer slept on Joel’s couch, you slept pressed against him now, and woke with your limbs tangled with his, a quiet partnership forming.

It scares both of you, knowing that you had grown to care for each other so quickly, knowing that was dangerous and reckless but also feeling stronger because you were a team. 

You think that’s why you make the decision together, one rainy fall evening when Joel comes home with a message from Tommy. 

They had gone through a rough patch recently, being apart from each other for some time and still not seeing eye to eye on Tommy’s choices but slowly, they’d started talking again and there was news that Tommy and the group he was with had gotten a hydroelectric plant that had once belonged to FEDRA up and running. 

There was electricity and a place to stay if you and Joel were interested, plus Tommy wanted you to meet Maria, said she did him a whole world of good and this was some of that good in action. 

It hadn’t been a hard choice to make even knowing how difficult the journey would be.

This was the chance you’d both been waiting for, and had talked about, a far off dream of running away from all the violence that was inescapable here in Boston, searching for something better out there, and now it was within reach. 

So you’d left your garden in the care of a friend you knew would understand its importance, and you bide your time with Joel, making deals, doing jobs, collecting and saving up supplies, and helping him map the way to Jackson. 

And then the day came when you left the QZ behind for good, watching the city fade away in the rearview mirror.

Making it to Tommy hadn’t been easy, there had been one too many close calls for comfort but the trust you and Joel had in each other didn’t waver, and here you were, finally on the other side. 

Settling in hadn’t been the easiest, especially for Joel, his guard still up but little by little, you both sank into a new way of life. 

You quickly learned how to ride a horse and hunt in the woods surrounding the power plant, even making friends with some of the families in the community. 

Joel had taken to things a little slower, but even he couldn’t hide for long, helping some of the men in the group with repairs on things that needed fixing, even cautiously attempting to make friends with you. 

Small pockets of peace started to open up the longer you stayed and the threat of raiders loomed over that peace at times, keeping everyone on alert for attacks but you all had Joel and Tommy now, always amongst the first to be out there protecting, defending fiercely.

You knew they wouldn’t let anything happen to you here.  

As spring arrived again you found a nice spot for a garden, pointing out sprouting flower buds to Joel one day, almost missing the fond smile forming on his lips, both of you knowing what this meant. 

You were happy here, and happy being with Joel, the two of you building a new garden together this time, until finally, as the chill spring breeze transitioned into summer heat and sunshine you were sat next to him like you had been what seemed like ages ago, watching the butterflies circle the flowers in bloom in what had become Sarah’s Garden. 

Joel made you a promise; to keep going for family, the family you, him, and Tommy were now. And you promised the same, not scared of how much you cared for the man by your side anymore.

It wasn’t perfect, the world was still rotten and the broken parts of you all were still raw, still healing, but this time her light was guiding the way through it and that made it all worth it.

---

A/N: When I saw that butterfly hanging in the window of his place in Boston I just couldn’t resist writing something about how he got it and here we are! This world is so dark and tragic and while this fic doesn’t change those facts, I hope it plants some gentle, hopeful little seeds of healing, because Joel deserves that and so do you as the reader! thank you for reading this, I’d love to hear your thoughts on it! 💌

some tags no pressure! @inklore @allaboardthereadingrailroad @yelenas-lova @ozarkthedog @amethystwonders11 @blkmorticia @moreofem @eupheme @obiknights @tarrenterror25 @superhoeva @buckyhoney @plumbits

[thedeviltohisangel]

FOR A FORTNIGHT THERE WE WERE:

Disneyland Headcanons

Felt particularly inspired on my trip today. A little something for my loves Evelyn and Callum until I’m home again, let me know your thoughts!

-As a child, Disney was such a mythical place. It’s where the rich kids go every school break. The land where her parents save every dime to try and take her and her siblings. A piece of the universe she craves to belong to.

-After early fame, Ev goes often. She takes pictures and brings all her friends and her family and walks around with a VIP guide and never smiles brighter than she does riding the coasters or the tea cups and laughing as if their is no weight on her shoulders. Some people stop for photos but it’s the right amount of wow I think I’m doing something special here and it’s not too much.

-After she skyrockets to fame in Star Wars (adding this to her filmography? Any thoughts?) it becomes much more commercialized. She’s trotted out in front of castles and waving and posing like plastic. Her ex husband is always there to hold her hand and kiss her. But he makes her ride the rides that scare her. Doesn’t let her get the Mickey shaped pizza she wants. Tells her she isn’t holding his hand the right way and people are watching. It’s as much performance for him and his career as it is for hers. It loses its magic and pixie dust and the fans are asking why Ev can only be seen at the theme parks for an event now. How she used to always be there eating popcorn and screaming on splash mountain and taking pictures with all the princesses. They all speculate that Hollywood has taken a fatal bite out of her. That she’s too busy with films and endorsements and magazine covers to be so fun loving anymore. They mourn the loss of the starlet they fell in love with and hope others will stop trying to scrape together the pieces of her now for just one more bite.

-BUT WITH CALLUM. God. He takes her because he knows it’s special and he knows it’s been awhile and he doesnt ask her why but he asks some of the people around her. They say it’s a him thing. An ‘her ex thought it was good for a photo op but ultimately very childish of her’ thing. And he buys her big and pink and princess-y ears and asks if she’ll keep them on because he thinks she looks gorgeous. And he takes photos for her in front of the castle (on his own with his phone and makes them his wallpaper) and he doesn’t flinch when she wants to ride on the carousel and laugh with him over how silly it is. Doesn’t flinch when she eats two Mickey ice cream bars for lunch and a pepperoni pizza for dinner. Buys the cheesy little photo of them on every rollercoaster because he had his arm around her protectively as she screams. It HEALS her to act like a child again and have someone WELCOME the youth that’s back in her cheeks. And he holds her while they watch the fireworks and he asks her if she’s happy and she smiles and says she feels like she got some magic back in her life. And Callum says that’s what he wished on a star for and she laughs and snuggles deeper and kisses his throat and tells him she loves him and will wish on a star for a forever just like this. And she goes home with a stuffed Marie from Aristocats and her phone died a long time ago and she didn’t even noticed and her feet hurt and she falls asleep in his shoulder in the car and she’s sunburnt and sweaty but clinging to him like a dream that she doesn’t want to fade away. And he just promises to make her wish come true. (Also he probably pulls the sword from the stone)

-BONUS: with their children. Ev always hires security when they go as a family and it hurts to take that bit of normalcy away from her kids but the media attention on her and Callum is too much for them to always be safe. He carries their daughters on his shoulders so they can see the parade and the shows. He knows the words to every song and sings his heart out with them. Crouches down to their level to point out Pooh and Mickey and Elsa. Ev is big on not having her kids ignore their gut so if they are afraid of the stranger in a costume then they don’t have to go and she won’t make them. They ride the carousel and dumbo over and over again because the baby of their family wants to. Callum confiscates the bubble wand when it nearly becomes a weapon. He takes so many photos of Ev holding their hands and walking around and when the littlest are in strollers sleeping but the oldest wants to ride thunder mountain one more time Cal tells Ev to go. Tells her it was her magic and pixie dust to share with their kids anyways. That the more memories she can make like this then the bad ones might drift so far away she won’t even think of them. The baby wakes up briefly to watch the show and ask her dad when he’s carrying her to the car and her cheek is smushed on his shoulder to ask if he’s a prince. And he tells her to ask mommy but she forgets and that night he and Ev are making out in bed and she calls him Prince Charming and laughs but shuts up real quick once he’s inside of her.

[warmaidensrevenge]

Love and pinball

Pairing: Eddie x Plus!size fem reader

A/N: Oh man it's been a long while. I've been taking a long needed break. But now I'm back and I have a bunch of ideas that need to be written. So I'm looking forward to what's next. I would also like to add that I had help from @salenorona23 to write this fic. I would liked to thank you. You honestly come up with the best ideas.

Thanks for sticking around. I appreciate all of you. I hope you enjoy the conclusion of Love and Pinball.

The song I added was an inspiration to me. Kay love ya. Byyyye.

Word count: 3,199

I do not give permission for my work to be published anywhere else. Please respect all creators. All the pictures I used for my collage were taken from a Google search. A credit to the original posters

Warnings: 18+ no minors please. Sexual implications, loss, grief, heartache and angst. Not proof read.

Part 8: Together

Summary: Grief will rip us apart. But love, real love can help us back to each other.

You stirred a little and placed a hand on your stomach. There was something wrong. You felt empty.

You weakly called out for Eddie. " B-baby?"

Your eyes opened slowly and the sun was blinding. You looked around and saw Paul and your mom. Then you saw Eddie who was sitting next to the bed, holding your hand. He had never looked so bad.

It was quiet. The silence and the single heart beat on the monitor was ominous. You remembered a little of what happened when you got to the hospital. But you were in and out of it.

"Is-ugh-is the baby okay?" You asked, trying to sit up.

Eddie and Paul stood quiet as your mom came to your side and started stroking your hair.

" Honey…I'm so sorry."

-

You cried for four days straight, with your mom never leaving your side. Even though you knew Eddie had to be with Liam. It hurt so much more to go through the loss of the baby without him.

Those four days were the worst in Eddie's life. When he was away he wished he was with you. And when he was with you all he did was hold you as you sobbed.

He felt like he was the reason you guys were suffering.

On the fifth day, you were going to be discharged from the hospital. Eddie had left work early to be the one to take you home. However, when he got there you were already gone.

Confused and worried he went home. Only to find suitcases by the door.

" Sweetheart?" He called out.

He found you in the nursery clutching the baby blanket from the hospital.

" Sweetheart?"

When you looked at him, he had never seen so much pain in someone's eyes.

You were dreading this moment ever since you decided to run. The only thing that kept you from taking off without a single care was the respect you had for Eddie. He deserved more than him coming home to see you were gone. He needed to know that you would be okay.

You looked back at the empty crib and felt such heartache. To the means of something you could not put into words.

" My mom went to say goodbye to Paul and Natalie. She's going to be back soon."

Eddie remained quiet and watched you. Waiting for the other shoe to drop.

" I-I'm gonna go back with her."

His heart sank.

" I need some time…"

You didn't need to finish for him to understand what you needed. And though it tore him apart, he wanted you to be okay.

He took a few steps towards you. "Y/n, I think it's a good idea. You should be with your mom for a few days."

You tensed under his hand that was suddenly on your back. He almost lost it. He almost broke down. But he couldn't. So he didn't.

What he did instead was help put your bags in the trunk and helped you with your seatbelt.

Not once did you look at him. You barely said anything at all.

" Sweetheart, I'll be here when you get back."

Your head was hung while you nodded.

Eddie's heart shattered all over again watching the car fade into the distance.

Maybe this was for the best. Maybe it wasn't what was best for him. But it was what you needed. Right now all you needed was family.

…

3 weeks later

You always did hate how hot New Mexico was. You hated the bugs and the disgusting dry heat. But all of those things didn't bother you anymore. Those inconveniences were nothing compared to the suffering you felt.

It had been three long weeks since the loss of your baby girl and you couldn't find it in you to get out of bed. Or to really talk things out with Eddie.

Sure he called countless times, asking when you were gonna come home. But the answer was always the same. You didn't know.

That wasn't true though. You were never going back. How could you? How could you go on and pretend that baby Claire never existed? How could you face the man you loved knowing it was your fault she didn't make it? That the family you wanted was gone.

Chrissy gave him something you couldn't. A baby. And you hated her for that. You hated that she had a healthy beautiful baby boy, while you were left with this empty feeling.

That wasn't the person you wanted to be. And it was definitely not something you wanted Eddie to see.

It took everything you had to breathe. To wake up and not blame yourself.

But the agony you felt wouldn't go away no matter how hard you tried. And no matter how many tears flowed, there was always more.

It especially hurt when Eddie would call and you could hear Liam crying. It was excruciating to hear cries that weren't hers.

Deep down you wanted to be with Eddie. And you really did love Liam. But you just couldn't do it. It was too hard.

On the fourth week you were woken up by a tiny human.

" Tee? Wake up Tee."

You opened your eyes and found big blue ones looking back at you.

"Morning Tee."

You smiled as she climbed into bed and gave you a big hug.

" Hi baby. Oh I've missed you."

Natalie giggled when you gave her a bunch of kisses.

" Hey champ."

You looked up from Natalie and saw Paul standing by the door.

Your eyes started to swell and your chin trembled." H-hi."

After hello hugs you went to the kitchen and sat there watching Natalie eat.

" What're you guys doing here?"

Your mom poured you and Paul coffee and put a hand on your shoulder.

" Honey, your brother is leaving Natalie here for a while."

You looked over at Paul and he nodded. " I uhhh Natalie needs you…and I think you need her too."

You frowned and tears filled your eyes again. Then you nodded and sniffled. " I do."

You wiped away your tears and lightly laughed. " I'm sorry."

" Tee don't be sad."

You smiled softly at her. "I'm just really happy to see you."

She giggled and got down from her chair and raised her arms up for you to pick her up. Once on your lap she started humming.

" Tee, can we make cookies?"

You kissed the top of her little head. " Of course baby."

You looked up at Paul and your mom and saw them giving you small smiles.

For the first time in a month, you felt ok…Better.

-

Eddie was going through it. Sure he still had Liam, but he lost a daughter too. And he started resenting you for leaving him. Especially since you were only supposed to be gone for a little bit.

It was now a month and a half later and you still haven't said when you were coming back.

That was until you called him.

" Hey sweetheart."

" Hi."

He sat down on the bed. " How are you?"

You sighed. " Better."

His brows pinched together. " Yeah? That's good. I uhh miss you.”

“Eddie I- ummm I left a few things and I was hoping you could send them to me?”

He was quiet for a second. Didn't you miss him too?

“ Uhh yeah. Yeah. Sure baby. What do you need?”

He wrote down the list of things and was confused. Photo albums, jewelry and your diploma. Things that were important and likely irreplaceable.

“Umm sweetheart? Do…do you really want me to send this stuff?”

You cleared your throat before answering. “ Yeah.”

He nodded and fought back his tears. Why did it feel like you weren't coming back?

" Y/n? You're coming home…right?"

He heard you sniffle and knew your answer.

" Baby, please. I-I-"

"I have to go. I'm sorry."

-

When you hung up, it was like you felt everything you felt a month ago. But ten fold. It was horrible.

You originally hoped calling him would change your mind about not going back. Instead, all it did was solidify that you could never go back and face him.

You laid in bed that night thinking of all the things that you should've said to him. You should have said you were sorry for falling that day. For losing Claire. For running away. But most of all you wanted to say you loved him very much.

All the pain you felt started making you cry. After a minute or so you felt a little bit of movement behind you. Then you felt a tiny hand stroking your hair.

You turned around and saw Natalie staring at you.

" Don't cry Tee."

You whimpered a little as you wiped your eyes.

She grabbed your hand." Everything's gonna be alright."

" I know, baby. I know."

" Then-then why are you crying?"

You sniffled. " Everyone cries baby."

Natalie frowned. " I don't like it when you cry Tee. It scares me."

Your brows pinched together and you reached up to tuck her hair behind her ear. " Why honey?"

" Because when big people cry, that means something bad happened. And I don't want bad things to happen."

You sucked in a breath and nodded. " I'm sorry. I-I won't cry anymore."

She held out her pinky. " Promise."

You let out a small laugh and hooked your pinky with hers. " I promise baby."

She leaned in and gave you a hug and a kiss before getting under the covers. Then she started humming a familiar tune until she fell asleep.

You squeezed her gently and thought of the day you guys went shopping with Eddie replayed in your head.

It was at that moment you knew what you had to do.

It was time to work on getting better. For your family. And for Eddie.

-

Eddie cried after he hung up the phone. He never felt so alone before. Or so sad. What did he need to do to get you home?

He wanted to go to you, but with Liam and work he really couldn't. On top of that he was heartbroken.

But what made things worse was that Chrissy decided to give him full custody of Liam. All she said when she dropped him off was that Jason proposed to her. So she handed him Liam and paperwork that she had a lawyer draw up.

That was a week ago.

Thank God for his friends. He didn't know what he would do without Gareth or Robin. They were his saving grace. But the only person he really wanted was you. Looks like he wasn't going to get that happy ending he always wanted.

-

Two weeks later

It was a stormy Saturday afternoon. Eddie had just put Liam down for a nap. He had been so fussy today. He had this little cough that scared him. So after a doctor's visit he gave him some medicine and put him to bed.

Eddie went outside to sit on the porch and look at the paper. He was searching for an affordable place that he and Liam could move into. He felt that it wasn't right to stay in your place without you.

However, the only place he could afford was in Forest Hills and he wanted better for Liam. But there was no other choice.

He closed his eyes and sighed. “ Wish you would come home.”

He then heard a car door close. When he looked up he saw you standing there. Umbrella in one hand and a suitcase in the other.

When the cab drove off you started towards him.

He was in shock. With no clue what to actually say or do, he just sat there.

You reached the steps and stared at him. All you could think about was how much you've missed him.

“I…I know there's nothing I can say to take back what happened and how I reacted to it. Just know that I am so sorry for leaving you.” You moistened your lips and continued. “ I should've known that losing our girl was going to hurt you too. I was selfish and a jerk… and I get it if you can't forgive me. I just came back to apologize and to say if you need me, I'll be here... And I need you to know that I'm not 100% right now. And...and I don't think I ever will be. But I'm willing to try and be. For you and Liam...For me too.

He stood up and dropped the newspaper. Just then the slight drizzle turned into a downpour. He went down the steps and pulled you into a hug. Your body trembled in his arms as tears filled his eyes.

“ I missed you so much baby.” he leaned back and kissed you.

After a few seconds you guys heard Liam cough.

He looked down at you and put his forehead on yours. “ I know what you're gonna say. But I don't care. I like how much of a cliche we are together…That's how I know it's real.”

You nodded. “ I guess you're right…Curls?”

“ Yeah sweetheart?”

“ I'm not leaving again. Not ever. Well not willfully.”

He chuckled and went to kiss you again but you put a hand on his chest.

“ Common bud, I wanna see Liam.”

He nodded and grabbed your luggage. Following you inside.

-

You never ran. Not when Chrissy came back crying that Jason left her and then tried to take Liam. Not when he was let go from the plant. Even when things got overwhelming when Hannah and Layla were born. When postpartum hit you like a truck. You didn't leave.

Even when things got better and the band got a record deal and he spent more time on the road than at home. You stayed and supported him. You said and did all the things a partner should. You challenged him to be better and you were honest with him. You did so much for him and the family. You took care of the house and the kids, even though you needed help. You didn't leave when he missed so many birthdays, little league games and ballet recitals.

Because you loved him and he loved you. No matter how hard or easy things were. You both showed up for each other. No matter what, you had each other's back.

-

Eddie hadn't been home in a few months and you never missed him more. Maybe it was because the kids were asking when he was coming back. Or maybe it was because your anniversary was coming up and you needed your anniversary kisses. Either way he was way overdue for a cuddle session.

All day you tried to focus on the daycare. And for the most part you kept it together. That was until you were about to leave for the day.

He was there. Leaning against his red BMW with his legs crossed at the ankles and hands in the pockets of his leather jacket.

You could cry right now. But instead you melted seeing him smile at you.

“ Hey Mrs. Munson. Beautiful weather we're having.”

You shook your head and went to him. Giving him hugs and all the kisses you've been saving just for him.

“ Mmmmm sweetheart. Let me get you home first.”

He led you to the passenger side and opened the door. As soon as you slid in, you climbed down from cloud nine. You opened your mouth to say something when he closed the door and held up his hand.

“ Don't worry, your car will be safe here and the kids are at Paul's. It's just you and me tonight.”

-

You didn't make it past the living room. You were on each other as soon as the front door closed.

Eddie sighed with satisfaction. “ God I've missed you.”

“ Better have.”

He chuckled and placed a wet kiss on your cheek. “ I always miss you when I'm gone. You and the kids.”

You swallow and nod. “ So how long do we get you for?”

He hummed and pulled you to lay in his arms. “ I'm not sure. 1 or 2, maybe 3 years.”

You lifted your head and gave him a surprise look.

He grinned at you. “ The band decided we needed a break. To get back to our roots and be with our families. So we all agreed that a long vacation would do us good. Obviously, we can't just disappear for 3 years.”

“ Right.”

He reached up and tucked your hair behind your shoulder. “ Yeah. So we set it up to only do local shows a few times a month and do 9 big venues in the surrounding states. But only in the summer so I can bring you guys with me.”

You were speechless. You've been wanting to hear those words from him for a long time now. It was the best thing he had ever said to you.

You smiled softly.“The kids would love that.”

“ What about you?”

You laid your head back on his chest. “ Well I don't know. I guess I can take it or leave it.”

He gasped. “ I beg your pardon!” He then started to tickle your sides and made his way on top of you.

“ Ahhh curls! Okay okay!”

He stopped and grinned down at you.

You smiled back at him. “ I would love nothing more than for all of us to be together. I love that you're home…I miss you bud. So much.”

He nodded slightly before leaning for a kiss.

“ Mmm sooo speaking of all of us…I was thinking maybe we could work on baby 4 and 5.”

You clicked your tongue. “ Hmmm that sounds fun. Maybe pinball after?”

He chuckled lightly. “ Love then pinball?”

“ Or.” You raised a brow. “ Love and pinball?”

“ Oh you're naughty baby.”

You both grinned at each other for a moment before he got up.

“ I'll get us snacks and juice boxes.”

You laughed as he helped you up. “ I'll be down stairs beating your score.”

He smacked your bottom. “ We'll see about that “

-

As you stood in front of the thing that started it all you couldn't help but feel joy. The very same Grand Prix game you guys played all those years ago was now yours. Well it has been since Eddie gifted it to you as a wedding present.

You sighed happily as you took the quarter from the return slot and popped it in. The lights and music were the exact same as always.

You pulled back the spring handle and the ball was off. Whirls and dings were all too exciting. It was perfect. And in a few minutes you were almost to the high score. But then there were hands on your hips pulling you back so that you were flushed against his chest.

“ No distract-” you tried to say but cut off as you watched as the silver ball fell right between your paddles. Then you heard a slight chuckle.

“ Sorry sweetheart. You lost.”

Sighing in defeat, you turned around in his arms and wrapped yours around his neck. “ No bud. I think I won.”

Eddie looked back and forth between your eyes and understood what you meant.

He put his forehead on yours. “ We won.”

...

@marsmunson86 @browneyes528 @erinsingalong @salenorona23 @emsgoodthinkin @eddie-is-a-god @manda-panda-monium

[witchersoldier]

Blonde Sun

jj maybank x latina!reader

SUMMARY: sharing songs in a hammock leads to a confession from you.

WARNINGS: none, just fluff. and my rushed/not proofread writing.

WORD COUNT: 0.8k

AUTHORS NOTE: I just finished writing this. It's just a little fic/blurb based on a song (I linked it in the fic if you want to listen), but I still don't know how to feel about it. Hope you like this, either way.

The cool late afternoon breeze hits my skin, soothing the heat from the first part of the day. Soothing the heat from where his skin touches mine, so absentmindedly.

Spending time laying in John B’s hammock with JJ quickly became my favorite thing to do on summer days. We talked about anything that came to mind, or we didn’t talk at all, just enjoying each other’s company. Being around him was calming, even with his unending energy and hotheadedness. So, yes, I always looked forwards to our hammock days.

Today we decided sharing songs from our playlists would be the hammock activity, as he decided to call. As his song was finishing, I looked for one from my playlist -which is mainly made up of Taylor Swift’s and 5 Seconds of Summer’s songs.

“Your turn,” JJ reminded me, “but enough with the Taylor Swift. You’re not showing me your playlist, you’re showing me her discography.” He said with his eyes closed, but a lightheartedly judging facial expression.

“You’re one to talk, I’ve been listening to Chase Atlantic all day.” I pointed out, still scrolling through my playlists, searching for something different. He muttered some incoherent defeat phrase that I didn’t bother to pay attention to. “Ok, I think I found just the one. This song is from my birthplace, different enough for you, right?” JJ opened his ocean eyes, even more beautiful now in the fading sunlight. Having him look at me, his attention undivided, felt like a blessing.

I was so head over hills for the blonde man in front of me, for as long as I can remember. But, as cliché as it sounds, I was afraid of saying something and that leading to our falling apart. And I’d rather have him as a friend for the rest of my life, than not having him at all. There were times I almost told him about my feelings, but something, or someone -whose name started with a J and ended with N-, always interrupted the moment.

“What are you waiting for? Hit me with it.” Right, the song sharing.

“This song is called ‘Sol Loiro’ by Armandinho”

As the song went on, I couldn’t help but hum to the calm rhythm, all the while looking at JJ for his reaction. It was stupid of me to feel a need of approval for this song. But it reminded me of him and the way I felt for him. It was important to me and I hoped, someday, it could be important for him too.

“Nice rhythm, it’s calming. I’m curious: what’s this song about?” there. He asked the question I was hoping he wouldn’t. Why couldn’t he just say he liked it and move on? I know I would talk with my heart about this song, and I’m not sure if I’m ready for this just yet. Or maybe, just maybe, like in the song, this is fate. “It’s a love song.” I said simply. The last simple thing I’d be saying for the next minutes. It seems to have caught his attention enough that he stopped caressing my calf, looking at me with slightly tilted head.

“He’s singing about how he needs to be close to his other half, says they’re his island, like a safe place in the storm that life is. He realizes he’s made mistakes in the past, and tries to right his wrongs. Says that everything that’s ever happened lead to them being together, that they’re meant to be. That they’re his fate. But most importantly, he calls their partner the source of light and joy of his life. That’s why it’s called ‘Sol Loiro’, it means Blonde Sun.” I ended, nervously fidgeting with my fingers. I don’t remember moving in the middle of explaining, but now we were sitting criss cross, closer than before, like we just gravitated towards each other.

“It reminds me of you.”

Silence. I glanced up just for a second to read his face, and decided to come all out to him because right now, looking into his soft eyes, it simply felt right.

“JJ,” I grabbed his hand in mine. I needed to feel his touch, just in case it was the last time. “You’re my Blonde Sun. You bring light to me even on the darkest of my days. It’s you I see lighting the path. When I look at you, at your eternal blue ocean eyes, I feel like you’re the final destination, like you’re it. My fate. And I love you, JJ Maybank. I love you even if you don’t feel the same.” I felt my eyes tearing up, so I blink the tears away so I can see him clearly. His ocean eyes were teary as well.

JJ’s lips opened and closed a dozen of times. His warm hand gripping mine, as if he let go, I’d vanish into nothingness. Looking down at our hands intertwined, I began to worry. And when his hands left mine, I felt frozen in place, until he cradled my face and kissed me.

His lips captured mine in a sweet kiss, an action that spoke the words he couldn’t say. And this kiss was everything I have ever dreamed of.

[alphabetboyluvr]

A time before DB and JK meet officially where they crossed paths but don't remember or almost but missed each other by seconds. You know, typical kdrama missed meet cutes lol.

🪩 WORDCOUNT | 2.4k 🪩 NOTE FROM HOLLY | so... that thing about me and finding it impossible to write anything short.... yeah that. lmao. this is bd lore in the BEST possible way imo. something that neither of them remember and likely never will. this is set about four years before the events of BD. JK would have been 20-21, and B would have been 21-22 (give or take a year). thank you SO much for this request. i had so much fun with it!!

🪩 BD DRABBLES MASTERPOST 🪩

Jeon Jungkook looks devastatingly pretty with cherry-red lips. Smudged and a little faded, they leave the faintest mark on the end of his cigarette—a bad habit, he knows, but one that he picked up as an excuse to flirt with a girl whose lips are far more crimson than his. 

Of course they are, though. How else would she stain him in evidence of her existence if they weren’t? 

Even when he’s tarnished in her, there’s no evidence of him on her. Nothing to tell new acquaintances to stay away—and Hayun loves making new friends.

A bottle of Jack rests by his feet. Neat. A little lukewarm. Ass perched on the curb outside a house just off campus, he’s in no mood to get himself embroiled in the debauchery he knows his friends are partaking in. Just wants to clear his head. 

Foolishly hopes she’ll do the same. That she’ll notice his absence. That her heart will ache like his currently is. 

In their final year of studies, his friends are all letting loose for the final time before they have to cram for finals. It’s a night of celebration. Of last-chances. Of opportunities that won't present themselves again for a good few lunar orbits.

And so while he may not have the same restrictions, having started his studies a little later than scheduled, he’s been making the most of it with them. 

Quiet kisses hidden from his friends are fun. He likes them. Loves them, even.

But to then watch her very publicly let a guy make moves on her? To make moves back?

Feels fuckin’ awful.

“Oh, you know what?” A voice echoes from the porch of the house behind him. “You can take her violin and shove it up your ass, you ostentatious, pseudo-intellectual prick.” 

It’s a little twisted, but it brings Jungkook comfort to know he isn’t the only one with a shitty excuse for a love life. Knows he shouldn’t listen in—but fuck it.

“Where does she keep her violin, huh? In your trousers? ‘Cause that’s the only way that what I just saw and what you’re saying could even possibly correlate,” the girl continues, unrelenting in the way she dictates her speech. Barely lets her partner get a word in edge-ways. “No? She not a tiny violin specialist? The rooms aren’t that dark, dickhead.” 

He thinks the tirade is over, but finds himself laughing when he hears, “And not to brag, but my last eye exam went exceptionally well, so don’t you dare try and tell me I was seeing shit. Twenty-twenty vision, baby.”

It’s easy to tell whoever is speaking is deliberating adding a little dramatic flare to their words. Is definitely drunk. Is also definitely not afraid of standing her ground.

Glancing over his shoulder as he stubs out his cigarette, he’s surprised to see the girl—you—on the phone instead of confronting someone in person.

In a pretty little party dress, you’re just the right combination of hot mess. Even from a fair distance away, he can notice the glitter all over your skin. Not really his type—so different from Hayun—but there’s something about you. Something that intrigues him. Makes it hard to look away.

“She could be fuckin’ Vivaldi for all I care!” You seethe into your phone. “Does it sound like I give a shit if she’s the best in her class? You want me to give her a gold medal or something? Don’t piss me off. Prick.”

Jungkook would argue that you’re already pissed off. With a tone of voice like that, you must be.

There’s a final curse, and then your phone is almost thrown across the front lawn. Almost. You know better. Know that you can’t afford to replace the screen if you shatter it. Instead, you have to grit your teeth and scream. 

It’s only once you finish your venting of frustration that you notice a pair of starry eyes on you. 

Raising your brows, you shake your head in his direction. “Can I help?”

And then he fucking laughs. Shrugs. Is pleased to see it makes you smile, too. 

“Really hate violin, don’t you?”

Shaking your head, far kinder this time, you sigh. “Don’t have much of an opinion on them. Not unless it’s the strings in the intro of Untouched by The Veronicas. In that case, the violin is the greatest instrument known to man.”

“Untouched? The Veronicas?” he laughs, suddenly reminded of a song he hasn’t heard in years. “Didn’t realise it was still 2005.”

“Hey, don’t be judgy,” you say as you walk towards him, perching down on the curbside, too. “It’s a classic.”

“Never said it wasn’t,” he defends, reaching down for his bottle of Jack and offering it over to you. “Boyfriend trouble?”

Shaking your head, you decide that unloading your problems onto a stranger is exactly what this night calls for. 

“Girl I’ve been seeing. Wasn’t that serious.” Nodding towards the bottle you add, “You first.”

“Seemed pretty serious,” he mumbles, before swigging down his whiskey. Jack is shit, in his opinion, but it’s cheap and it gets the job done. Clearing his throat with a small ‘ah’, he holds it back over for you to take. “Satisfied?”

You don’t vocalise a response—but you do take the bottle from him and ignore the burn as it races down your throat. Of everything you’d choose to drink, Jack Daniels would not be it. You like fruity things. Had been on vodka cranberry juice all night.

“Wasn’t serious," you double down, then shrug. "Can’t let people think they can get away with bad behaviour, though. Let them do it once, and they’ll do it again and again." 

It’s something you’re adamant about. Something you’ll do well to remember. 

“Anyway, you know why I’m out here like a miserable bitch,” you continue as you pass the bottle back. “What brings you here?”

“Something similar.”

It’s only now that you really take him in for all that he is. 

Same age as you, you think, judging by his build. Though his shoulders are broad, he hasn’t properly filled out yet—he’s trying, though. You can see the definition in his arms. His shoulders. Clearly is trying to shape himself into a man. No longer a teenager, but not really an adult. With eyes like that, though, he’ll always look a little younger than he is. His dark hair waves around his features, so casually undone you know he must have put a lot of effort into it. It’s sweet. 

He tries, and that’s more than can be said for most of the boys at the party.

“It doesn’t suit you,” you tell him.

“Hm?”

“The red lipstick,” you nod towards the sheen on his lips. There’s a little on his neck, too. His T-shirt is black, but you imagine there’s some there, as well. “You’d look better without it.”

“It’s not mine.”

“Guessed as much,” you softly smile. “So what, then? Your girlie pissed all over her territory? So no one else would approach you? Then decided she wanted to play elsewhere?”

“Something like that.”

“Girlfriend?”

Jungkook just shrugs. Tells the truth, even if it feels like a lie. “Just friends.”

“You kiss all your friends?”

“Just one.”

“Ouch,” you wince. Friends-with-benefits situations are dumb, you think. Wouldn’t ever wanna end up in one. Know they end in unbearable heartbreak. “That’s rough.”

He nods. Knows how it’ll end, too, even if he’s been trying to tell himself otherwise.

“Well, we’re friends, now,” you declare, definitely too drunk to be making good decisions. “You and me. Have bonded over terrible people doing terrible things.”

He wants to tell you that Hayun isn’t terrible.

Instead, he raises a brow at your fledgling—and fleeting—friendship. 

“If she’s off making new friends, then maybe you should consider kissing your other friends,” you playfully shrug, knowing better than to get involved in a situation like this. “Y’know… make it even.”

And Jungkook is well aware he shouldn’t indulge in your flirt, but he’s hurting. Wants to feel wanted—and the way you’re looking at him? He can’t remember the last time Hayun looked at him like that.

The way you see it, you’ll never see this man again. You could both do with a little pick-me-up. Confirmation that life goes on, even if the people you date are awful.

A kiss is just a kiss. 

Or at least, for now, it is. One day, you’ll develop a complex. Blame Seokjin.

But you’re yet to meet him. Yet to unlearn all your rules and make far feebler, more pathetic ones in their place.

“Y’know, you’re kinda cute,” you whisper, edging closer ever so slightly. 

“Kinda?” He tweaks a brow, eyes not on yours, but on your lips. There’s a little glitter in your gloss. Think maybe it’ll suit him better.

“Mhmm,” you hum, reaching up to lightly trace your thumb across his bottom lip, ridding him of a little bit of his very own red flag. “Kinda. Never kissed a guy with a lip piercing.”

Just a stud, he’s only had it a little while. Was trying to make himself look a little older. Sharper. Light from the house catches in it as your thumb pulls back - but Jungkook pulls closer. Nudges his nose against yours. Holds it there for a second.

“Maybe I should take one for the team,” he husks, lips brushing yours. “Just so you know what it’s like.”

Nodding, you let your nose stroke against his. “You’d be such a good friend if you did.”

Lips parted, the end of your sentence grants him permission to sink his lips between yours. Slow as he does so, Jungkook’s scared of fucking it up.

Hasn’t kissed anyone that isn’t Hayun for months, now. Isn’t even sure he knows how to.

And yet as soon as you press down into the kiss, his mind is void of her. Totally blank. Pitch black, until the faintest of stars begin to appear. Sparkle. Shine.

There’s a sweetness to you, even despite the whiskey. Maybe it’s the cranberry juice. Maybe it’s your lip gloss. Jungkook doesn’t have the mental capacity to decipher it, for he can feel your tongue stroking across his bottom lip—and then he’s granting permission. Inviting you into his mouth. Stroking his tongue against yours, as if he’s in the privacy of the party bathroom—not out front for everyone to see. 

Shamelessly, he almost wants Hayun to see—but as quickly as a thought of her intrudes, it’s replaced by the way you feel. It makes him pull you closer. Gets him whining into your mouth. Makes you smile.

It’s confirmation that there’s nothing wrong with you; that the girl you were seeing really was just a dickhead.

Pressing your hand to his chest, you slowly push him away. Are reluctant to finish kissing him. In fact, even as you push him back, your body follows, until you force yourself to pull back. 

“There,” you smile, a little infatuated with how sparkly his eyes appear. “Now you’re even.”

“We can make it odd, again, if you want,” Jungkook offers, far bolder than even he realises. Just doesn’t wanna stop kissing you. Maybe it’s just the whiskey. Yeah. He’ll blame it on that. 

“That’s a bad decision waiting to happen,” you laugh, getting to your feet, because you don’t trust yourself to stay. “My purpose is served. Friends don’t fuck you over. Stop wasting your kisses on people who are gonna fuck you over.”

Your message is clear: she’s not your friend. 

It’s a lesson he’ll learn far too late in life.

“But you’re ditching me?” He says as you begin to walk away. “That’s not friendly!”

For a girl who should really be wallowing in self-pity, you’re surprisingly chirpy. Jungkook envies it. Wishes he could stop caring in the way that he does —he just doesn’t realise your situationship really was as simple as they’re supposed to be. The feelings were yet to fully develop.

If love is a choice—which you think, to a degree, it is—then before it can develop, choices have to be made. Your partner is supposed to choose you. The girl you’d been seeing has just demonstrated that she wouldn’t choose you, and so why should you choose her?

Life was simpler before Seokjin; before you really knew what it was to love. 

Or, to love, and to not be chosen. 

To choose, even when you’re never chosen.

Sort of like how Jungkook is, now.

“I’m doing you a favour!” You call back, tipsy smile just as radiant as you seem to be. You're jovial in your tone, and the attitude rubs off on him. Gets him smiling, too. “Saving you from yourself. If I kiss you again, you’ll fall in love, baby. They always do!”

The way you jet off is spritely. Happy. Abundantly clear that you’re yet to know what heartbreak really feels like. 

The girl getting a little too friendly with the star violinist will be long forgotten by the time you meet Jungkook once again, and so will he. In fact, the scar left by Seokjin manages to mangle just about all of your romantic memories prior to him. 

You’ll become folklore; a girl Jungkook doesn’t know the name of, but who Hayun is pretty sure is legally named ‘Desperate Skank’. Someone they argue about on a few too many occasions. A memory he barely remembers, but in the heat of their drunken fight later that evening became a permanent sticking spot in their situationship. 

‘Cause while Hayun was off making friends, that’s all she was doing. Getting numbers. Getting a little touchy-feely. Getting her ego stroked. Getting zero kisses, because she had been reserving them for him.

Why she was only making friends with six-foot-something muscle pigs with more protein powder in their system than common sense is another thing they’ll argue about—but he’s the one in the wrong this time, or so she makes sure to tell him.

He’ll think of you sometimes. The memory will be hazy. Blurry, like driving down a midnight highway with astigmatism. 

He’ll think of you, and he’ll see stars.

And when he sees you again in the dark of Dionysus a few years later, with no recollection of who you are, his brain will scream at him. Beg him to remember. 

He won’t.

But he will, inevitably, see stars once more.

[angrelysimpping]

lol, meet my newest oc, Danny.

(picrew)

hes semi possessed and not thrilled about it

some porn of him uwu

(noncon touching; forced mastrubation; possession; talking about murder; anal fingering; uuuuuh, i think that's it?)

Someone had been killed here. 

Murdered, right in this very bed. It's something Danny knew from the moment he stepped into the shitty little motel room. He didn't even have to think, didn't have to ask anyone, or try researching it like he used to. No, not now. Not after he killed someone himself, felt their hot blood on his skin, watched the life fade from their eyes, and…changed. Now, he felt it in the air, could almost see how it all happened if he bit his lip and focused. 

Still, that didn't stop him from flopping back onto the thin mattress fully clothed. The rough sheets and lumpy pillow might have bothered others, but Danny couldn't give a shit about things like that anymore. 

Sleeping on a prison cot for the better part of a year does things like that.

Unfortunately, his stint in prison didn’t help with his inability to fall asleep.

Danny isn’t sure how long he lays there, willing his mind to shut down, his body to rest. Eventually, he feels it creeping over him. His body lighter, fingers twitching keeping him present just a little longer before he can finally drift off. 

Sleep doesn’t come easy to murderers.

Danny sighs deeply as the thought floats through his half-awake mind, unsure if it’s even a thought from his own brain or…from it. The thing that clawed its way into his body, had twisted its essence into his soul by mistake and was now stuck with him. He hopes it was from his own mind, not wanting to deal with his uninvited guest just as sleep was starting to seem like it would actually envelop him. 

Of course, it’s not that easy. Nothing has been since the night he agreed to that stupid ritual. Sure, he didn’t have any qualms killing the man, had even enjoyed it really, but now he has to deal with some fucker in his head all the time. Like now. 

It’s with a jolt that Danny feels his hand move at his side. Not a half-asleep twitch but move. On its own. Or, by someone else’s will. 

“Knock it off,” he mumbles, tongue heavy and eyes still closed, begging silently for sleep to take him.

It doesn’t listen.

His hand comes up, scared palm slipping under the fabric of his tattered jacket and gliding across the plane of his stomach. It feels…odd. It’s his hand but it doesn’t quite feel like he’s touching himself. But, well, it’s not bad, really. Just…disconcerting that he’s not the one in control of his own limbs.   

Oh. Wait. No. No, that’s bad, wasn’t it? He wasn’t in control. The entity was. The thing that had tried to steal his body. The thing that had let that young prison guard get ripped to shreds. 

Danny struggles to sit up, more than sleep making his thoughts and movements sluggish. It’s weighing him down, trying to push him back into that horrid subconsciousness that had paralyzed him when the entity had yanked the controls of his exhausted body from him to save both of their lives.  

“Fuck off,” Danny wheezes, chest heavy, full of lead, as he manages to prop himself up against the headboard. 

Relax.

Not his thoughts, then. Not his at all. 

His hand travels up, tracing along his sternum before resting across his heart. What now? Was it going to try to rip his heart from his chest like some kinda B horror monster? Was-

Danny’s thoughts sputter out as the pad of his thumb grazes over his nipple, slowly rolling the soft bud until it stiffened. 

“What are-” he cuts himself off, biting down on his bottom lip as his own nails scrape across his chest. Fingers latch onto his other nipple, tugging at the piercing more than teasing the flesh like it had with the other. The taste of copper fills his mouth, sharp teeth piercing the thin skin of his lip. Laughter fills his head as his other hand springs to life and starts to snake under his jeans. 

“S-stop it.” He wants to die. He wants to die and take this thing with him. He hates it. Hates how his voice breaks and how heat is starting to pool in his gut. It feels like eons since the last time he was touched like this, even by himself. Too much to do, too stressed, too exhausted. When would he have had the time to jack off? Maybe he should have made the time because now his cock is twitching to life even as Danny tries to fight off the thing giving him pleasure in the first place.  

Worst of all, it knows what it’s doing. Knows just how he likes to be touched. Feather-light teasing of fingertips across his thighs. Harsh squeeze to the balls before lovingly stroking over the soft skin. Ghosting over the piercings on the underside of his cock, barely touching them at all.

Then it’s gone, retreating from his pants, and there’s a glorious moment of hope where Danny thinks the thing has decided to stop. Or, maybe, hopefully, he succeeded in taking back control of his own body.

Alas, it’s a short-lived moment, jeans roughly pulled down over sharp hips. 

Relax, Daniel.

“Go to hell, fucking- shit!”

Hate. Hate is what’s burning through him as his own fingers seek out his rim, breaching the tight ring of muscle with no warning or prep. Hate and nothing else. Nothing that would make his cock jump to attention, nothing that would make a fat bead of precum swell at his tip. 

So stressed, poor little vessel. 

“Not a - ah - a, a vessel.” God, he hates himself for moaning. It’s not his fault, his body reacting as another finger is forced into him, but that doesn’t stop the shame burning across his face. 

Especially not when that spot is hit inside him, that bundle of nerves that makes his whole body light up in pleasure. 

Danny doesn’t think, partly him and partly the entity forcing thoughts from his head. If he doesn't think, he won’t have to face the fact that he’s hiking his leg up, giving better access for the fingers pressing inside him. He won’t have to think of the small sounds leaving his throat, the whimpers and whines that make his ears burn. 

When was the last time he was touched like this? Some dirty-mouthed redhead with bright eyes and a wicked tongue. There had been laughter then, hot kisses on his neck and a rough hand between his legs. Strong thighs pressed to his sides as a tight heat devoured his cock, sucking hickies to their broad chest. If Danny just closed his eyes, he could almost believe he was back in that field, back pressed into soft grass and with a firecracker of a one-night stand instead of…of…here, getting fucked on his own fingers in a run-down motel by some backstabbing bastard. 

Fingers moving inside him, fingers targeting his prostate with a seeming laser focus, teasing his chest, he can’t help but let his head fall back against the headboard with a dull thud. He must look a mess, panting pathetically, sharp teeth stained red from his attempts to silence himself by biting into his bottom lip or the inside of his cheek. Too much red. Too much blood. The cuts on his right side, stretching from his hip to shoulder, burn. The being that meshed their soul with his feeding off his blood, making him writhe even more as pain laces together with the pleasure thrumming through him. 

The hand on his chest migrates, nails dragging, until it finds the edge of the cuts, the intricate fucking symbol that ties him to whatever that fucking entity is. It’s almost gentle, loving, the way it touches the mark. Really, if he just let himself enjoy it, if he just pictured that redhead instead-

Danny screams as his fingers press into the cut, digging into his side and alighting every nerve with blinding white pain.

Stay with me, Daniel.

It presses down on his prostate, moving in tandem with the fingers digging into his side. Danny’s eyes go wide, mouth agape as all his senses are overwhelmed at once. It’s a blinding mixture, pain and pleasure coursing through him in waves. Tears well in his eyes, quickly slipping free and streaking down his cheeks. As the entity pushes him closer to the edge, tortures him by prying open the marks on his side, it gains an even greater foothold in him. Eyes shifting, turning from a deep brown to purple, the whites going gray than black. If he were capable of any thought at the moment, he’d worry about the horns sprouting, getting stuck in that form and being unable to make it subside. Or, maybe he’d worry about the tingling at the base of his spine, the itching that would surely sprout a tail. 

He can’t though. There’s not a thought in Danny’s head that isn’t about the force inside him. The one controlling his hands, the one fucking him open and ripping him apart at the same time.

It takes a monumental effort, but, eventually, Danny’s voice returns enough for him to get out a broken “Please.” 

Please?

It’s a leading question, one that demands Danny answer but he’s already lost his ability to speak again, head lolling to the side, tongue hanging past his lips. His tongue stud glints in the dim light of the room, drool dripping softly to the sheets below as his body is pulled from one extreme to the other. Well and truly lost, cum leaks freely down his cock, pooling under his ass and staining the sheets. 

He wouldn’t know how to answer anyway. 'Please stop?' ‘Please more?’ 'Please let me cum?' All were equally viable answers. All were begging, deferring to the entity. That was enough for it to decide to let the human rest. 

Danny’s eyes roll back, a silent cry trapped in his throat as he cums, cock untouched, painting his stomach and chest with white. Blood from his side mixes with the tacky substance, staining his skin pink. 

The moment he cums, everything stops. The pain in his side recedes, the fingers abusing his hole slide out. He lays limp, dark hair matted to his face with sweat, chest heaving, jacket hanging loose from his shoulders. Dimly, Danny becomes aware of himself enough to close his mouth, idly wiping the drool and blood off his chin. He can’t stop a groan from slipping free as he shifts to lie down, trying to get comfortable in his now damp sheets. 

Goodnight, little vessel. Sleep well.

“Fuck you,” he mumbles back, even as he settles down into a deep, dreamless sleep. 

[deadinarussianelevator]

Hello! I came here to ask what exactly forgiveness is and how do you know when you've forgiven someone? (I am sending this to multiple Christian blogs who I respect and can send anonymous messages to)

Hello! Thank you for including me in the people you ask :) Forgiveness is no longer holding an offense against someone. So, say someone has wronged you, and they apologize. You acknowledge their apology, and decide to no longer hold what they did to you over them. Sometimes this happens easily, sometimes it takes time. Forgiveness, I would also say, does not mean everything goes on as if nothing happened.

My mom, to me, is a great example of this. Her biological Father was an alcoholic, verbally abusive, cheated on my grandma constantly, and murdered his own mother. My grandma took my mom and uncle and fled him when my mom was just 8 years old. He eventually went to prison, and was released when i was in middle school. I distinctly remember my mom realizing she needed to forgive her father. From that point forward, she was able to reflect on that relationship without feeling bitterness, hatred, and anger. Now, that didn't mean that she was like, "Ah, I need to be besties with my bio dad now". It did mean, though, that after he was released from prison, she was one of the only people who would check in every now and then to make sure he was alive. She didn't see him all the time or anything (most of the time he was homeless as a result of his alcoholism) but she was able to care for him a bit at the end of his life when he was in various nursing homes because she'd let go of the resentment and bitterness. But yeah. Idk. I think that kind of forgiveness is only possible because of what Christ did for us on the cross.

I also think of Corrie Ten Boom, who forgave a Nazi guard who she remembered from the concentration camp her and her sister were in. It's best to quote it directly:

It was at a church service in Munich that I saw him, the former S.S. man who had stood guard at the shower room door in the processing center at Ravensbruck. He was the first of our actual jailers that I had seen since that time. And suddenly it was all there—the roomful of mocking men, the heaps of clothing, Betsie’s pain-blanched face. He came up to me as the church was emptying, beaming and bowing. “How grateful I am for your message, Fraulein.” he said. “To think that, as you say, He has washed my sins away!” His hand was thrust out to shake mine. And I, who had preached so often to the people in Bloemendaal the need to forgive, kept my hand at my side. Even as the angry, vengeful thoughts boiled through me, I saw the sin of them. Jesus Christ had died for this man; was I going to ask for more? Lord Jesus, I prayed, forgive me and help me to forgive him. I tried to smile, I struggled to raise my hand. I could not. I felt nothing, not the slightest spark of warmth or charity. And so again I breathed a silent prayer. Jesus, I cannot forgive him. Give Your forgiveness. As I took his hand the most incredible thing happened. From my shoulder along my arm and through my hand, a current seemed to pass from me to him, while into my heart sprang a love for this stranger that almost overwhelmed me. And so I discovered that it is not on our forgiveness any more than on our goodness that the world’s healing hinges, but on His. When He tells us to love our enemies, He gives, along with the command, the love itself.

(I tear up every time I read that part, it just makes me weep. Go read The Hiding Place if you haven't already and just. Weep and love it.)

How do you know you've forgiven someone? a) did you surrender it to God? b) when you think of that person, do you think of the wrong they did, or has it faded into the background? Have you let go of bitterness and resentment?

I hope that helps? Feel free to ask me more questions :)

[milktoast-femboy]

stangst - i got people in my skin

【 A/N: i was meaning to write something for forduary but never gotten around to it. as a ford pines simp i am ashamed. apologies apologies. hopefully this one shot will make up for it. started as mostly a vent but ended up way longer than i had intended.

TW below the cut for self harm, self loathing and general stangst. mind those tags and stay safe out there. title is from in the wings by mother mother b/c stan has those mother mother vibes. 

CROSS-POSTED TO AO3! 】

STAN WATCHES the deceptively tiny flame in his hand. He watches as it dances and flickers in bright hues of yellow and orange and he can hear his mother's words in his head. 'My little spark of light' as she would call him back then. Burning brightly despite the darks of the world around him. A fighter. A protector.

But that night, huddled in his beaten old car around the tiny flame of his lighter whilst the blizzard outside continued it's merciless rampage, those words couldn't have felt farther from the truth. Whatever fire burned in Stanley Pines now felt more like dying embers, desperately trying to fight for any sort of spark.

And Stanley was so, so tired of fighting. And nobody was there to protect him.

As the winds and snow wrought all hell outside his Diablo, so to did Stan's mind seem keen on attacking him. Memories of painfully familiar beaches, days of rebuilding broken down boats and sunburns and nights of reading comics under the flashlight. Memories of laughter with someone who he'd thought would be by his side forever. Memories that used to be filled with happiness, now only tinged with a deep sense of longing for moments long lost to time.

Nights like those where he would have given everything just to see his brother one last time. To have his brother tell him that he missed him. That his time on the streets fighting for scraps was over. That his home was by his side.

'But who would want some worthless screw up like you around?'

These thought would hit him like knives directly in the chest.

'Face it, Stanley Pines is nothing but a leech. Ford knew the truth, it's why he wanted to get away from you.'

His free hand grips the steering wheel in a white-knuckled grip, chest heaving and throat tight with emotion the owner dare not release. 'Men don't cry' a voice sounding like his father reminds him. But the sea of emotions inside him only rages harder. A mix of anger and sorrow and a gnawing sort of loneliness that threaten to swallow him whole.

Like many times before, he would turn to the flame of his lighter. The sting of the hot metal against the skin of his arm would distract him from everything wrong with his life, albeit temporarily, as a new burn mark begins to set in among the ever growing collection.

Stanley couldn't help but look at them with a twisted sense of accomplishment. The pale marks on his arm feeling almost like a strange proof of everything he was going through. That the pain he was in was real.

Feeling a comfortable numbness set in, he lets himself drift into an uneasy rest. For a moment everything causing him pain seemed pleasantly distant. Even the roar of the blizzard just outside the car seemed to fade into darkness as sleep took hold.

✲ ✲ ✲

HIS SELF-DESTRUCTIVE coping mechanism would be something that stayed with him for a while. A release he'd turn to every so often during his days living like a stray. Until one day he gets a post card from someone he'd never thought he would hear from again and just like that he's making tracks to some nowhere town called Gravity Falls with barely more than his car and the clothes on his back and a feeling in his heart that almost resembles hope.

Somehow things take a turn even worse than he could've imagined. It's as if the universe took a look at Stan's worst fears and decided to top them and his brother's now empty home feels even colder than his car had.

The still stinging burn on his back feels like punishment. A reminder that Stanley Pines was worth nothing and this is what happened when he tried to believe otherwise. Stanley Pines would soon after meet his untimely fate in a car crash, with nothing left of his life but a smoldering wreck of metal.

At least as far as the rest of the world was concerned.

Meanwhile, the man known now as Stanford Pines attends a funeral in a suit that wasn't his, trying to ignore the way the foreign fabric itches against his growing amount of scars.

Some of them from his habit. Others were from his time working on the portal as he often did so with very little concern for himself.

As the years pass something begins to change. His false persona in Mr Mystery becomes less of a means to an end and slowly becomes something that he enjoyed. Something that he was good at. Along the way he meets the naive yet kind to a fault Soos Ramirez and the rebellious red-head Wendy Curdoroy. He tells himself they were just employees yet their presence in his life brings something different. A spark of light in an otherwise cold heart. A spark that later on becomes a flame when one summer he finds himself with the care of Shermie's grandchildren. Two brown haired twins that fill Stan with an almost painful sense of nostalgia that somehow worm their way into his heart in no time at all.

Without thinking about it, his habit slowly starts to lessen over these years until that summer when it stops. And while he never shakes the sense of longing for his own twin and wherever he may be, for the first time in his life since Glass Shard Beach the con man feels a sense of belonging somewhere. He had a home and people who cared about him.

But that was Stanford Pines. Stanley Pines didn't belong anywhere. And like life enjoys reminding Stanley, all good things must come to an end.

✲ ✲ ✲

IT FELT like a dream. After decades of toiling away in the shadows of the basement on a thin hope of fixing his mistakes, the moment of actually seeing his twin there in the glow of the portal felt almost too good to be true.

But, somehow, it was real. His brother, despite being much older as he himself was and dressed in some Mad Max-esque outfit, was back. Against all odds, Stanley Pines had managed to do at least one good thing in his life.

And Ford hated him.

He thinks to himself, bitterly, that of course he would. He may have brought Ford back but that didn't change all the wrong he had done to him, including pushing him into the portal in the first place. But even knowing this didn't make the sting of it all hurt any less.

And now, lying in his bed and failing to fall asleep, it seems like the adrenaline of everything that had happened that day was starting to wear off and the abuse he put on his old bones during it all had begun to make themselves known. He almost wanted to list all the places that hurt but he figured it'd be easier to list what didn't hurt.

He sighs as he raises a hand to his cheek. That was definitely going to be a nice bruise later on, and while it didn't hurt as much as the rest of his body it still managed to be the most painful thing that happened today.

In hindsight he didn't know why he assumed that would have gone any better, yet in the moment it felt all to natural to try and hug Ford. Like an old instinct buried deep within, the need to make sure his brother wasn't hurt. But instead he got a six fingered fist to the face.

And to top it all of he was going to lose everything once summer's over. The place he'd come to call home would be taken from him. And the kids... even if living on the streets again didn't do him in he'd doubt that their parents would let him anywhere near him once they learned the truth of who he was.

Soon there won't be any Mr Mystery, just Stanley Pines again. The man who had destroyed his brother's future. The man who destroyed his family. The man who pushed his brother into a portal. The man who had lied to everyone, who took his brother's identity and staged a ruse three decades running.

'The man who should have died back in that car crash.' A dark voice whispers in his mind.

Suddenly he finds himself feeling very small. No longer a man with a home and a family, he feels like he's the abandoned teen from the night it all went wrong. The first night of many where he'd spent huddled in his car. Unwanted. Unloved. And utterly alone.

Moving on autopilot, his hands begin to rummage through his bedside dresser until they clasp around an all too familiar object. Buried underneath other knick knacks and papers. Unused.

'Looks like old habits die hard.' He thinks with a pained smile.

It feels wrong doing this again. 'What would the kids think?' his mind chides him. But he knows that soon enough none of it will matter anyway.

The white hot sting of the lighter feels like an old friend.

✲ ✲ ✲

'You punched him. Your brother spend years of his life trying to save you and that's how you repay him.'

'He put the whole world in jeapordy doing so. It was stupid and reckless, did that knucklehead not read any of the warnings I left him?'

'If he hadn't then you wouldn't be here now.'

'Well maybe it would've been for the best. Saving me isn't worth putting the universe in danger.'

'Obviously Stan didn't agree.'

Ford put his head in his hands in exasperation. This mental back and forth had been going on for the past hour or so he'd been trying to spend dismantling what was left of the portal. It had started when, while taking apart the scattered pieces, he couldn't help but admire just how well put toegther they were for having been made by a single man with, presumably, little more engineering experience than fixing his car.

He tried to shake it off. Impressive or not didn't change the fact that he had endangered the whole world by doing so. And while punching him may have been overkill, Stan's reckless behavior just infuriated him to no end. It seemed like the past few decades had done nothing to change that about him.

And yet try as he might to focus on the task at hand there was that nagging feeling that had attached itself to Ford and refused to let go. Guilt. And no amount of trying to convince himself that he was in the right seemed to chase it away, his mind continuing to wander to the last conversation they had. To how just as he finished explaining the terms of their arrangement he saw a flicker of something in his twin's face before Stan had told him to stay away from the kids.

Ford didn't pride himself as someone who was well-versed in reading the emotions of others but his twin had suddenly looked small. Scared even? Whatever it was, it felt wrong to see on the face of his usually strong and fiery brother.

He supposed he didn't really know this version of his brother at all. Gone was the sun burnt youth from their childhood, replaced by this grey haired man who looked far too much like their father for either of their comfort, the old fez and suit not helping. They were twins and yet with the years of anger and strain they might as well be strangers. 'When did we become old men?' indeed.

And as much as he tried to hold onto the anger over the years, and stars did he try, there was always that part of Ford that missed his twin. The same part that insisted on keeping the photograph all those years. And though he wouldn't admit it out loud, he truly was glad to see Stan again.

'So glad that you're going to take his home away.' His brain chided.

He wasn't wrong for wanting his life back. And taking his house back didn't mean Stan had to leave.

'But did Stan know that?'

Stan knew he wouldn't kick him out... right?

'Have you given him any reason to?'

Stanley knew he would never do what...

'What your father did?'

Ford pulled his overcoat closer, suddenly feeling a chill that had nothing to do with the temperature of the basement crawl up his spine. And with a sigh he knew that the only way to put these thoughts to rest would be to talk to his brother again.

'Right, like that went so well last time.'

Decidedly ignoring that last thought, he left the dank basement and entered the warmth of the shack. Trying to shake off the surreal feeling of seeing what Stan had done to his home, he quietly made his way to his brother's room. A soft light spilling out from underneath the door told him that the occupant was probably awake.

'Perhaps I'm not the only one lost in thought.'

"Stan...?" He says after a moment of deliberation. When his only response is silence he pushes forward. "Stanley, I..." Pausing for a moment, Ford realizes that he didn't prepare what to say. "...I know that our conversation earlier didn't go as well as it could've, but..." Understatement of the century. "...for the sake of the children, we should at least try and be friendly towards one another."

A beat of silence passes and he can hear a scoff on the other side of the door.

"Stan, are you even listening to me?" A feeling of indignation is quickly replacing Ford's guilt. To think that he came all this way to try and fix things and his brother didn't even have the decency to respond!

Acting on frustration, the scientist pulls open the door with the intention of scolding his brother. Once he sees the state of his brother any words of annoyance died in his throat.

"Holy shit, Ford, haven't you ever heard of knocking?!" His brother snaps out before turning his back to him. Not in time to stop Ford from seeing the painful looking burns on his arm.

"Stanley! Your arm, how- what happened?!" He sputters out. He almost thought the burns could have been from something in the portal room earlier, but the burns looked fresh. Almost as if they've happened just now...

"The kids aren't around, Ford, you don't have to act like you give a shit." Stan's response, muttered low enough that he had almost missed it, had lacked all of the heat his brother displayed earlier. Only a tired sort of resignation, like all the fight had left him.

Seeing Stan in this state - looking like he's given up - it made Ford's stomach churn with how wrong it was. And yet it feels like he's seen him in a similar state long ago. The words 'some brother you turned out to be' echo in his head.

"You... you don't really believe that, do you?" He finally manages. For once his mind is blank, grappling to find anything to say to make the situation better. His brother let out a hollow sounding chuckle.

"'The first worthwhile thing in your life' you said. Well, I guess you were right. Stanley Pines never did anything worthwhile. His whole life was just him lying and cheating to get by." Ford was stricken by the amount of vehomence in his twin's words. 'Is this how he really sees himself?'

"But don't worry. Once the summer is over you'll get your life back and you'll never have to see your worthless brother ever again just like you want."

Keeping his gaze locked on the floor, the only reaction he could see was his brother's fists shaking at his sides before turning and walking out of the room. Smiling bitterly to himself, he tries to ignore the hurt he feels at his brother leaving.

...Only to be surprised to hear the same footsteps return a few moments later. A glance from the floor reveals Ford standing at his doorway holding a jar of some substance in his hand and some peroxide and the expression of a lost owl. Even more surprising was what he said.

"I never wanted you to leave, Stan." With the caution of someone approaching a startled animal, the scientist comes to sit next to his brother and took a deep breath to steel himself.

"Don't get me wrong, I figured you would probably want to leave once summer was over and I'm not comfortable with you running a mockery-" He coughed into his hand. "-the Mystery Shack in my home. But I wouldn't- I would never just throw you onto the streets!" The words 'unlike father' went unsaid, but the brothers both thought it.

"Why not?" Stan asked softly, looking hopeful but uncertain. "Is it cause I'm just an old, crusty man?"

"Stan, that's not-"

"Or maybe you just want somebody around to do the grunt work. Clean up and dust an' shit. Guess that's the only thing I'd be good fo-"

"It's because you're my brother!" The shout makes Stan halt his rambles, leaving the two in silence before Ford continues. "Even when I was angry with you...even when I wanted nothing to do with you...even when I told myself that I hated you I never being your brother. And not one moment did I ever stop missing you." It takes all his willpower to keep his voice mostly steady as he speaks the truth he had denied to even himself all these years. Even now he can hear a shake enter his voice but he knows he can't stop. Not just for his brother, who was taking in his words like a drowning man to oxygen, but also for himself.

"And while I'm still angry about everything - Westcoast Tech, rebuilding the portal, ignoring my warnings about the dangers - I still love you. Always have. And I'm so...-" He feels Stan's hand on his shoulder as he chokes back a sob threatening to tear it's way from his throat. "so, so sorry that I wasn't there to tell you that when you needed to hear it most."

Just as he felt himself start to choke up, a pair of strong arms wrapped around him and pulled him into a tight hug. Minutes that could've been hours pass by like that. Ford's shoulders shaking in a silent breakdown while Stan simply held him steady despite tears gathering in his eyes as well.

Once he finally manages to pull himself together it came time to treat the burns on Stan's arms. Opening the jar of what he explained was a highly potent burn cream he'd come across in the multiverse, Ford thought he might've cried again when he saw just how scarred his brother's arms were. Most seemed to be similar looking burn marks, albeit most looking older, but there were some that looked like cuts or road burns.

"Stan, are these burns self inflicted...?" 'Please don't let it be true.' he thinks, but Stan looking away is all the answer he needs.

Forcing away the guilt that threatens to eat him up, Ford focuses his efforts on treating the fresher burns on his twin's skin.

It seemed like he wasn't the only one feeling guilty, either. Stan hadn't seen his brother cry since they were young and hated to be the reason why.

"I'm sorry." His twin's words make Ford look up from his work, eyebrows drawn in concern.

"Stan..." His brother continued on as if not having heard him.

"I'm sorry I fucked up your future, I'm sorry I didn't just tell you what happened. I'm sorry I was so obsessed with that stupid fucking boat that I couldn't see I was holding you back. Pops was ri-"

"Don't." The single word was spoken with barely restrained anger, though this time none of it was directed at Stan. Upon seeing Stan look up with an expression of worry the scientist forced himself to soften his tone. Despite how much he wished he could give a few choice words (and hand gestures) to their late father, right now he needed to be there for his brother. "Don't say things like that about yourself. Please."

A silence settles over as Ford finishes treating his brother's arms. It's not too long until the burns are properly treated, the burn cream already doing its job. He's about to ask his brother how he's feeling when he sees Stan is leaning against the headboard and practically drifting off but looking happy for the first time since their not so great reunion in the basement.

Feeling pretty tired himself after the long and emotional night and seeing the glow of a nearby clock reading 4am, Stanford decides to take his leave.

"Goodnight, Lee." He whispers to his dozing off brother as he leaves.

Both of them knew things weren't perfect. One night wouldn't be enough to heal the decades of wounds between the two of them, but it was a start. Many nights of healing would follow soon after. Having two niblings armed with glitter and notebooks certainly helped.

.｡ ☽ *⋆⍋*⍋*｡*⍋*⍋⋆* ☾ ｡.

[captainkurosolaire]

X

~ Going to spit a bit, get expressive below the cut. Share some explicit and deep stuff of writing pieces (songs/poetry etc) did and just vent to break open that bottle been dwelling personally so I can hopefully find clarity.

~ Another Day ~ Passion’s a fire, if left to burn on its own It’ll extinguish all the happiness you hope to gather Wish it was-like lightning instead, So I could save it within a bottle’ Should I stay or should I go I never really know, My heart’s in a dark place not sure if there is an escape, Find myself asking, why can’t I remain sane? I need to confess Not sure how much longer I can stand on my own Will there be any friends at my wake? Lift our voices to the echo, For they can prevent another grave. “I don’t want another one taken away!” Is all we have to say! Passion’s a fire if left to burn on its own Like a devouring dragon, it’ll feast away Wither and fade, Why can’t it be like lightning’ in a bottle, So we can save it for our rainy day. Never do I know Should I stay or should I go? My heart’s in a dark place not sure if there is an escape, Find myself asking, why can’t I tame this harbor of sorrow? Not sure how much longer I can stand on my own Will there be any friends at my wake? Left to our voices, there’s an echo, I don’t want another one taken away For they can prevent, another grave from being made Even smallest gestures could be a guiding sun-ray To give someone yet another day.

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~ Ride or Die ~ Gotcha' in my dreams Won't you stay awhile, let's see you writhe, Don't say we're ever living lies Yeah, you're my ride or die. (Ride or die) (Ride or die) Take your breath away, simplest in ways My lips drive you wild, Your mind doesn't know until it glides... Yeah, you're my ride or die. (Ride or die) (Ride or die) Take a mirror stare, see that precious dear? I got you shuttering, my hands in your hair Say it's not fair! But It's my preference, tending your care Breathing desperately against my neck, Look at you, I've got you a wreck Knowing it ain't a trick, I control you among these flicks, there's a flip, you say... Listen, you're my ride or die (Ride or die) (Ride or die) Can't take it anymore, it's an overload Settled on your knees, small hands grabbing my thighs wantin' to claim my l-- oooH... Devour me with insatiable hunger, Reverberate words in-between pleasure You're speaking through me, singing (Listen, you're my ride or die) You're speaking through me, singing (Listen, you're my ride or die) There isn't a world, where it won't be you and I. You and I, Ride or Die, We're meant to live this life.

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~ 4EVER ~ From angelic wings to starry seas, you're my eternal valley An only salvation, to stress-free, when I hear you it's instant relief, When I'm with you, baby-girl, I know true peace Hope I make you happy, as you do me Rest assured, one day we'll be permitted our sleep Till' then, let's embrace our loving memories (Longing, yearning, forever never turning.) (Longing, yearning, forever never turning.) Whether it's pirates and mermaids, I look forward ta' yer singing, May ya' b' my siren and cultivate my waters, I wanna seize all you, grant you to places sought farther, Might as well, already call me your father, o' my heavenly daughter ~ Sweetest, Rest assured, one day we'll be permitted our sleep Till' then, let's embrace our loving memories! (Longing, yearning, forever never turning.) (Longing, yearning, forever never turning.) Priestess of dreams, may I set you free with but a kiss, I'll overcome no matter the deemed brutal tests, Ironed Warrior destined to retrieve your crest, Get you heaving hot, with an exhale deep breathe. Find me under your covers, with hand's grasping your breasts, Guide my tongue, so I may bestow you another wave of bliss, Cause y'know best, we're... (Longing, yearning, forever never turning.) From angelic wings to starry seas, you're my eternal valley. (Longing, yearning, forever never turning.)

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~ Come One In Love ~ If thine desires passage over shores of timeless dreams, Where many eyes yonder, upon brilliantly those blue skylines Fantasizing wildest imaginations, freedom all-but-seems Waves rippling across splashing mimicking life's tasty fruit Gentle streams splashing between feet not enough to steal away But yet provoking a calming peace; enjoying flow of no haste Calling audibly, there isn't any need to scurry nor race, Will result soaking within, a great, accompanying sunshine. Although; should thou crave a necessary chase, Cometh tidal edge speaks, rumbling waves prosper rushing to sweep Taketh deepest or furthest perhaps beyond mind's initial drift Does abyssal await; or where heart fluttered in ache? I become infatuated within your humble gaze, May I serve arms of mine, sprout whisk; thy lighter than spring breeze, Allow mine legs preservers, paddling across whilst soundly you sleep, Droplet's identical as rain clashing lips showering thy precious cheek. For my endless I seek... Resides all on the face thee keeps, A dream beautifully timeless Dawns as our story fate.

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~ Memento, Beauty ~ You were sculpted within my dreams, And seized my eyes to be allured countlessly My mind drifts to struggle, of what life ever was like without, Even the simplest light holds valuable against dark. When you believe you're broken and a crumbling star, Less than complete, taken for granted among the starry seas Your star diminishing scattering into dust, particles falling to lands. I who've placed my gaze upon your particular star every night-to-day, Will catch, hunt, all the star-dust that makes you up Reunite them, to bring you a wholeness and return your distinct glow So I may dream soundly until we've sculpted our reality; to be. One & Loved for an Eternity in mind.

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(( That's a wrap. Some of it written for my special somebody, so changed a line here and there. Rest is gonna be just personal rambling below, don't recommend.))

-------------------------------------------------------------------------- ...Lately I've mentally been struggling, and for the very first time in my life. I am terrified and it's such a dumb, why. I've overcame 8 surgeries, had my entire life-taken over by hospitals, been at the near brink with my light's closing, and against all that I never once blinked, or was afraid, I was stone-cold callous towards it and just the purest of acceptance written on my face. But now, after 5 years in the making, I've got a writing project been building up towards and, I'm so close, so close! Towards making that stuff vibrantly alive, I can't shake the burden, stress, it's placed a world's weight put on my shoulders of unrealistic expectations. I'll go grey.

I am afraid of success, I am terrified of living my potential. And knowing that it wasn't even close to how I imagined and envisioned. For I don't seek other approval, but my own expectations I am tough, unrelentingly, cruel, the meanest critic alive. See, I don't do these things for clout, or take money from hard earning. I'm old-school, I believe in a philosophy that is so ancient, it's written on dust-covered stone. To passionately invoke within mind, go out there and write with sheer, expression, emotion, to make others entertain, feel, to make something of a higher-power. Or at the very much, be something that can be connected with on any-level. I've built myself into a personal hell. If I cannot climb over that summit unscathed, see it through within this lifetime, I will forever regret it. It's not really valid why I feel this way though and that's what makes more puzzling to me why I even feel like this. But perhaps, has something to do with just my nature. I am somebody who thwarts themselves by putting themselves to artificial challenges that no-right mind, would ever even dare. And it's like a tight-rope, if I don't see it through, I might as well be dead. Cause that's the depths of my passion, my raw-intensity. It's like truly, a dragon, that threatens to consume everything, that I keep thinking, I can fully-claim a tame over. And I chew and gurgle down every ill-thought, and hatred-filled mind or voice even those never once spoken. I create, and absorb that into me, then I spit it out into something meaningful, but that stuff is still poisonous. xD I had to digest in the first-place. It's exhausting dealing with my endless scenarios and sheer mad-inducing creativity I want to unleash. How I'd really, relish to forever be in peace; as if drifting amongst the clouds. But then it just feels lazy resting around, and lounging cause I know for certain I'm wasting away my time to really give everything I have of myself, It's an insult to give-up, or act inadequately, to ever dare give myself a sense of normality even though, I sure as shit should know, I'm not super-human, with all the real-scars on me, I should know that.. There's so much creativity, I've yet to unveil, of this actually worth bringing in my belief, to the surface. I never know when my heart will stop beating, so I want to write with it, as long as it'll go as my writing utensil. Because I know memories, can last forever and impact on a greater whole. Anyway much apologies if read up to here. This just a way to try handling my own mind and nonsense rattles, so I may have a reason to drain, empty it from my consciousness. I believe the answer, I seek, is breathe. Just, breathe. Breathe, until I'm free with my wings.