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ugly-crying-over-bucky-barnes · 6 years ago

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Trust Part 5

Summary: Jenna moves in across from Eddie and Venom after escaping an abusive relationship. Within hours of meeting the journalist, her ex-boyfriend winds up dead and she comes face to face with the creature terrorizing San Francisco.

Chapter Summary: Eddie, Jenna, and Venom go out for the first time.

Warnings: Mention of an abusive relationship, anxiety, mild sexual themes

Eddie knew he was getting too worked up about a dinner. That’s all it was, they would go to a restaurant, chat, and call it a night. Hopefully, it would all go smoothly. He wasn’t worried about the talking aspect because everything about him was out in the open now. He wasn’t afraid to be an open book to her if that’s what she needed from him.

But for some reason, he still felt like it was his first time ever going out with a girl. He needed to make sure everything was perfect before he left.

Okay…shower, cologne, tidy scruff, dark t-shirt in case of nervous sweating, and deodorant.

“Alright, V, ready to go soon?” He sat on the edge of his bed as he pulled on a nice pair of boots instead of the ratty sneakers he was so fond of.

“Yes, but I am wondering what I should do. I know I cannot come out when we are in the restaurant. But when you and Jenna discuss mating, what should I do?”

“Mating?” Eddie’s head raised in alarm. “Whoa, no, no, no, we’re not going to…I never…do not say anything about mating Jenna, or even me for that matter.” He insisted firmly.

Venom seemed perplexed as he filtered through Eddie’s thoughts. “But we are two different species. We cannot mate together. My species reproduces asexually, much like your plants. You require a human female to produce an offspring. Jenna is a female.”

His cheeks went red. “Yes, I know that I went through sex-Ed in middle school. But when two people like each other they don’t just get right to having a baby.”

“Nature’s goal is to continue the survival of a species. I believe the human scientist, Darwin studied this. He is very famous, yes?”

“Yes, yet the world is overpopulated enough. We aren’t wired to…I mean we are but we are smarter than that. We’re not all running around just following our animal instincts.” Eddie groaned and rubbed his eyes as he figured out the best way to explain it to the symbiote. “I guess humans are very social, right? We want to be around other people but it doesn’t mean we want to get married and have children. Unless you find the right person then you’ll discuss that in the future. But this is our first time out with Jenna.”

“You are spending time with her because you are both compatible. You are not thinking about mating.” It seemed wasteful to Venom but a part of him was starting to understand. “Like how we enjoy each other’s company. Yet we will not reproduce.”

“Right,” Eddie was relieved he was getting it and wouldn’t mention the conversation to Jenna. “Speaking of which, we need to be honest to Jenna about everything.” He stood up and grabbed his leather jacket.

“Agreed. I will remind you.”

He smiled. “Sounds like a plan.” One more check in the mirror and Eddie went to knock on Jenna’s door.

“Yeah, be there in a minute!” She called.

Venom purred happily in Eddie’s chest, doing laps around his heart making it race even faster than it already was.

“Easy, tiger.” He put a hand over his heart to relax the symbiote. But it didn’t do much good when Jenna opened the door.

She came out in a casual, floral print dress, a long sweater, and tights. She carried a jacket over her arm. “Ready?” She smiled but inside she was pretty nervous too. She didn’t doubt her decision to see them, but it was nerve-wracking. She hadn’t been out with an unfamiliar man in a long time. But was Eddie really that unfamiliar anymore? Well, she supposed she would find out if he had anything else to tell her. But there didn’t seem to be like anything else that would be much more shocking than Venom.

“Yeah uh…” Eddie’s brain blew a fuse and he struggled to string together a coherent sentence. “You look great.” He wasn’t totally sure he was speaking proper English, Venom was distracting him.

“Tell her she smells delicious.”

“What? No.” Eddie blurted out.

Jenna looked confused. “Thank you…but I didn’t say anything.”

“No ha, sorry, Venom said you-”

“She smells like flowers and chocolate!”

Eddie smiled nervously. “He says you smell good.” He left out the ‘delicious’ part because he didn’t want her to think Venom was fixing to eat her. “Maybe something chocolate? He really likes chocolate.”

“Oh.” To his relief, Jenna looked amused as her lips quirked up and she held her hand out. “Cocoa butter hand cream. He’s got a good nose.”

“Yeah, he can sniff it out for a mile away.” He chuckled. “So, you know a good place? We’re not too picky.” They began walking downstairs.

“I had one place in mind. It’s a little far if you wanted to split a cab.” She offered.

“I have a bike if you’re comfortable with that.”

“Sure.” She shrugged and didn’t seem too fazed by the mode of transportation.

“Cool, let me just grab the extra helmet.” He jogged back up to his apartment and found Anne’s old helmet that he’d hidden away. He’d nearly forgot about it after he unceremoniously chucked it in the depths of his closet to cover up his heartache.

He returned to Jenna and handed it to her. “Have a lot of female passengers?” She teased as she took in the white and gold helmet.

He laughed and ran a hand through his hair. “Ah, no. Not for a long time, anyways. That was actually Anne’s.”

They arrived at the lobby and Jenna cocked her head to the side in surprise. “Anne Weying?”

“Yeah.” He felt it was as good of a time as any to tell her the truth about his past relationship. “She and I…we were engaged ‘bout a year an a half ago.”

She nodded and ran her fingers over the helmet’s smooth surface. It was nearly spotless and had a glittery sheen to it. “Oh…”

“But, y’know, she’s with Dan and we’re friends now. They helped me a lot after the Life Foundation incident. Things are different now.”

“Well,” She realized his past girlfriends weren’t really an issue. And if there were something wrong with Eddie, Anne would’ve warned her. “Thanks for being honest.” She said genuinely. A smile formed on her glossed lips.

“Yeah, no problem.” Eddie felt weightless. “Okay, so have you been on a motorcycle before?” He and Jenna took the back door to the alley where his bike was parked.

“Tyler had one, actually.” She told him. “He drove like an idiot and totaled once.”

Eddie froze. “He did?” He wasn’t sure how to react when she brought up her ex, the ex they’d decapitated.

Venom even let out a low snarl when he thought about the man who hurt Jenna. “We are not guilty about what we did.” He grumbled.

Unaware of Venom’s comment, Jenna spoke. “It’s okay.” She assured Eddie.

He nodded and gave a weak smile. “Well, good, so you’re familiar. That’s good, helpful. I didn’t want to make you nervous.”

“So the motorcycle would make me more nervous about the Venom situation?”

Venom’s chuckle echoed Eddie’s. “It’s a different level, I guess.”

She smiled and tucked her hair back so she could slip on the helmet. “Oh, got it.”

“Fit alright?” He asked and started the bike.

“Yep.” Jenna minded her dress as she got on behind him.

“I’ll go slow.” He promised over the engine.

“Don’t drive like a senior citizen just because I’m here.” She teased and wrapped her arms around his waist.

Eddie’s chest tightened as the air was knocked out of his lungs. He tried to keep his breathing steady so she wouldn’t notice. God, he wasn’t a teenager who popped a hard one every time a girl touched him. He’d had relationships before, was almost married for Christ’s sake.

Venom pondered over his flustered thoughts. “But, Eddie, I have never experienced this before. This is new for me, so perhaps I am making you more nervous.” He theorized.

Eddie couldn’t help but smile softly. How could such a creature be so menacing yet so innocent?

Venom traveled up his spine and extended down his sides. “Will you ask Jenna if we can hold her hand? We want to keep her safe.”

“Sure, Ven.” He murmured and turned so Jenna could hear the request. “So, Venom wanted to hold your hand if that’s okay. He can be overprotective.

After thinking it over, Jenna nodded. The symbiote had touched her before so it wouldn’t be much different. “Yeah okay.”

Thrilled but cautious, Venom extended a few tendrils from Eddie’s ribs. The black cord-like limbs carefully rested over her hands, which were interlocked over Eddie’s stomach. It created a little sandwich between the three of them and it made Jenna feel secure rather than frightened.

================

Eddie drove them through the city streets. He was a little more careful than usual but he didn’t want to make it seem like he was so nervous around her. Jenna rested her chin on his shoulder to give him directions. Venom tightened his hold on her hand ever so slightly every time they went around a corner.

They parked on the sloped street and Venom unraveled from Jenna’s hand. Eddie offered her a hand off the bike.

“Probably shouldn’t have worn a dress.” She took off the helmet and self-consciously smoothed her hair down.

“Why? You look great.” He was a little breathless. “Oh because of the bike, duh.”

Jenna smiled at his goofy but charming demeanor. “C’mon, there shouldn’t be too long of a wait.” She touched his arm as they walked in. Venom strained to feel her warmth between the layers of clothing. The symbiote was so fascinated by her presence and how it made them feel.

========

Once seated, Eddie and Jenna dove into conversation sparing the idle chitchat. She wasn’t kidding about the no bullshit because she needed to know if he really was everything he seemed.

“So you and Anne were engaged.”

“Mhm.” He nodded. “Y’know, it was hard. It was because of the whole Carlton Drake thing, but it was my fault. I thought I was so untouchable and on top of the world. The truth needed to come out and I was the only one to do it.” He busied his hands with trying to perfectly align his fork and knife. “I thought that no matter what I did it would be for the greater good. That insane man would be exposed but I didn’t realize I couldn’t just go around thinking rules didn’t apply to me. A grown man being so selfish..” He rolled his eyes at his stupidity. “I hurt Anne, made her lose her job.” He sighed heavily and met Jenna’s eyes. “It was so embarrassing, still is, that I kinda stuck my head in the sand. It was actually Ven who got me to apologize. You’d think since he’s new to Earth he wouldn’t understand but he’s so much more than expected.”

Jenna rested her elbow on the table every inch of her face invested and listening to his admission. It was the first time she’d seen someone, especially a guy be so open about his feelings. “You talk about him like he’s your closest friend.” She observed.

“Well, I think it wouldn’t be great if we didn’t get along. I mean every part of me is technically him now too. We share everything.”

“So that’s why you say ‘we’ instead of ‘me’.”

“It’s a little fuzzy something. Like I know what it’s like to be just a regular guy. Now that Venom is with me, it’s basically two people but we’re just so connected.” He chewed on the inside of his cheek. “It’s not easy to explain. Under his shirt, Venom coated over his shoulders to relax him a little bit. It made him feel warm inside. “We’re one.”

Jenna studied his thoughtful and happy expression as she propped up her chin on the palm of her hand. “You love him.”

“Huh?” Eddie’s train of thought came to a screeching halt. He wasn’t sure how she’d come to the conclusion so easily. Was he that easy to see through?”

“I mean you talk about it like a relationship. He’s obviously very protective over you and you are as well. Just the way you talk about him.” She shrugged. “I thought it was fairly obvious.”

“Yeah, I do.” He said the words out loud and Venom affectionately hugged him from the inside, which was always a strange but welcoming feeling. “You’re not…bothered by that?” He rested a hand on his shoulder to return the touch to the symbiote.

“I mean, bothered isn’t the right word.” She tucked a piece of loose hair away. “Love is different for everyone, right? And as long as it doesn’t harm anyone it’s no one’s business to judge. It’s definitely nothing I’ve ever heard of before but it’s real. I can see that clearly.” She said softly. “I don’t know if I’ve ever been in love before. I thought I had been but I don’t think it was real. I’ve seen others in love though, I can see it on your face.”

“Yeah, no, I know it’s not normal but it works for us” He was relieved that she accepted it. Venom was everything to him and knowing Jenna understood made him feel so comfortable with her. “So, you’re still going out with a guy who is in love with an alien that’s attached to him?” He gave her a sly smile just to keep the mood light.

She laughed and shrugged. Her fingernails tapped over the laminated menu as she averted her eyes shyly. “It’s just a trial run.” She reminded him. “Although I think it’s kinda funny.”

“What is?”

“I was just thinking about my past relationships.” Since Eddie had been extremely honest, she felt it was only fair to open up a little too. His honesty relieved her worry and gave her some courage to speak candidly. “Like, my first college boyfriend was supposed to be perfect. He was on the football team, he was tall, beautiful eyes. All the girls wanted him. But he chose me and I thought my life had finally lined up. He’d keep me safe and love me properly. We’d date, I’d get my degree, we’d get married, have kids, and grow old together.” She took a sip of water to calm down her racing heart and competing thoughts. “On paper, he was supposed to be perfect. But he was so mean.”

Eddie reached over the table to offer an open hand to her.

Keeping her composure, Jenna accepted and entwined her fingers with his. She noticed an extra warmth from Venom who wedged himself into the hand touch.

“Now I meet a blacklisted reporter with a symbiote.”

“So…” Eddie winced sheepishly. “Not so great on paper.”

She bit her lip and nodded. “No, not great on paper. But you’ve been much more than any other people in my life.” She admitted and sucked in a breath. “I just don’t want to fall down that rabbit hole of infatuation and have it all go wrong.”

“We can wait until you feel comfortable,” Eddie promised. “That’s no problem. Anything you need, we’ll do.”

Jenna looked at their hands. When was the last time she’d been so comfortable with someone touching her? When had she not flinched when a man reached a hand towards her? It felt like ages. His eyes were full of hope, like a ray of sunshine that was pushing out the shadowy insecurities from the depths of her heart. It felt warm and comforting. But it would take a while before he could clear out all the doubt and fear that had been beaten into her.

=========

After dinner, Eddie and Jenna returned home. They’d spent a lot of time at the restaurant talking. He spoke with such honesty it was like Jenna was an old friend to him. She was a little more reserved but was a good listener, engaging with him in the conversation. Venom watched intently, learning new things about her and about human dating rituals. He asked Eddie a few questions but for the most part, he took the opportunity to observe. Hopefully, in time, he would be able to participate in future dates, although he reasoned it would have to be somewhere private.

“Thanks for taking me out, Eddie,” Jenna said gently as they walked up to their floor. “It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to go out with a friend.”

Eddie smiled. “Yeah, me too.” He admitted. “It’s nice to have someone to talk to about everything.” He reached into his pocket for his keys.

“Well, if you want to do it again soon, we can.” She offered and handed him the motorcycle helmet.

“Alright, yeah. Oh also, I think I’m going to write that article.” Eddie fiddled with his keys. “The one about Venom.”

Jenna looked at him strangely. “You’re going to write about yourself?” She reached into her purse for her keys.

“Well, technically yes.” He ran his hand over the back of his neck. “But what we talked about, people who witnessed him.”

“That is a stupid idea.”

“It’s not a stupid idea.”

“No,” Jenna tried to make it seem like she wasn’t judging him. “I don’t think it’s stupid.”

“Venom said it was. But it’s fine, he doesn’t have to like it.”

“I do not like it.”

“It would be risky though.” She sympathized with the symbiote even if she couldn’t hear him.

“Nah, I think people assume he’s not attached to a human. Besides, no one would suspect the man who’s writing about him is him.” The journalist shrugged. “I’ll just talk to a few people and maybe get a more positive light on him.”

The corner of her lips quirked up in amusement. “So you’ll brag about how heroic you two are?” She went to open her door, jiggling the lock when it stuck as usual.

“Hey, I never used the word heroic.” He couldn’t help but smile a little at her jab. “But we’re not out there hurting senior citizens or children.”

She just sighed and felt exhausted from how upside down her world had turned. “Goodnight, Eddie.”

“So we can go out again?” He reiterated. “You don’t have to do an interview. I was just thinking since you suggested it a while ago…”

“That was before I knew you are Venom.” She stood in her doorway and picked at the chipped wood of the jamb.

“Yeah, that’s true.” He cleared his throat. “I’m sorry about that I should’ve-”

“I’ll think about it.” She promised. “Goodnight, you two.” She gave them a smile before going inside and shutting the door.

Venom was so happy that he forgot about the article idea. “She was very nice, Eddie, we enjoy her company.” The symbiote chattered like an excited child.

He smiled warmly. “Yeah, we really do.”

========

Jenna set her things down and double-checked that her locks were fastened shut. She slid off her jacket and went to get a drink of water. Her phone pinged and showed her a notification of a German shepherd puppy that was available. She checked the price and sighed because there was no way she could afford it. She wasn’t even sure she could raise a puppy but she was keen on getting some company and extra protection.

As she went about her nighttime routine, her heart was racing with uncertainty. She went over the dinner with Eddie over and over again in her head. Her rational side and irrational side combed through the interaction, looking for red flags. Everything from the way he looked at her to the things he talked about. It was hard to give a fair assessment. And it certainly was a rabbit hole of a decision. If she gave Eddie the benefit of the doubt, then she was offering herself up for a healthy relationship or making herself vulnerable to be hurt again. Yet, she was hesitant to be alone. There was always a thought that she could just drop relationships altogether and just be with herself and solely loving herself. But she was a human being who craved love and affection from another person. Although she had a distorted view of relationships, she still believed true love existed out there. For years, she thought that despite being abused there was a silver lining to her relationship. Remember when Tyler threw her a birthday party for her twenty-fifth? When CJ won her that teddy bear at the fair? When Mason had bought her flowers just because? When her father took her out to Sunday breakfast at the diner?

It made her have a huge case of the “yeah-buts” when her friends intervened.

“Look at the bruises, Jen.”

“Yeah but…”

“He chipped your tooth, Jenna.”

“Yeah but…”

“He put holes in the wall, Jenna.”

“Yeah but…”

“Look at your face, Jenna. Look what he did.”

“Yeah but…”

She didn’t want to excuse another person’s actions again if it put herself in danger. After some healing, Jenna could pass by Eddie without another look. At least, that’s what she continued to tell herself. She still had weaknesses and her hope for a normal relationship fueled her curiosity of the journalist. None of her relationships were normal. Every man had either put his hands on her or screamed at her until she was cowering in a corner, crouched down, hands over her ears, and crying. She didn’t wear the word “victim” on her forehead anymore. When she did that, the worst of the male population crawled out of the shadows and sweet-talked her until she was head over heels.

Her best friend told her she was a hopeless romantic even though she hadn’t had someone truly love her. It stung but it was true.

She turned off the light and placed her switchblade under her pillow and made sure her metal baseball bat was propped up against the bed frame by her hand. Worried, she got up and checked the front door’s locks again and again until she was assured it was secure enough.

Tyler was gone and wouldn’t be trying to beat down her door anytime soon. But his friends and family were still on the warpath. Even if her neighbor next door could swallow people whole, she wasn’t taking chances.

She retreated to bed and pulled her covers up to her chin. She wanted to cry but decided she was too tired. Eddie was on her mind as she reluctantly closed her eyes. There was no telling what she would decide if she ever did. Undiagnosed and still wounded by her scars, she wondered if it was fair to keep yo-yoing back and forth to him. But the week wasn’t over yet.

==============

Across the hall, Eddie woke up in a hot and bothered state. A chill ran down his spine as he shot up in bed. A thin coat of sweat coated his face and chest. While he panted heavily and shook himself awake, Venom was curiously replaying the dream he’d just had.

Simultaneously, Eddie saw brief images of it.

Jenna in a black little number.

Jenna stripping down in front of him.

Jenna kissing him so hard he lost his breath.

Jenna’s hands touching all over his skin, joined by web-like fibers that had to be manifestations of Venom.

Flustered, Eddie shoved aside his sheets and stumbled to the bathroom. The light went straight to his onset headache and made his eyes sting and water.

“Goddammit.” He slurred and groped blindly for the shower knobs. The showerhead chuffed to life, spouting out a weak stream. He clumsily took off his damp t-shirt and sweatpants before stepping into the shower.

Venom, who was too puzzled to speak at first, hissed at the first contact of water. “Cold!” He griped.

“Yeah, I know.” He grumbled and hung his head. The water droplets passed over his neck and back, slipping down and dripping off him like melting ice. He felt like a garbage human being. Here was a beautiful and caring woman who gave him the benefit of the doubt. Now his brain and testosterone were treating her like she was just eye candy and nothing more. Of course, it wasn’t intentional but there was some recess of his mind that conjured up that fantasy. It didn’t just come out of nowhere.

Venom listened to his host’s self-deprecating thoughts for a moment before requesting clarification. “Why are we showering now?” He asked.

“Just needed to clear my head.” It was comforting to have the symbiote there because it made him feel less alone at times like that.

“What was that dream about Jenna? You became aroused.”

“No, no that was…” Eddie grimaced and rested his fist on the shower wall. “It was wrong.” He couldn’t just write it off as nothing, the symbiote wouldn’t believe him.

“Why?”

“Because I shouldn’t think about her that way. She’s a friend and the last thing she would want is for me to think of her like that.” He tried to explain vaguely. He wasn’t really in the mood to go into the embarrassing dream.

“She would not want that?”

“No.” Eddie closed his eyes for a moment and shivered under the cold water.

“Please explain.” The symbiote was desperate to learn about all the aspects of human life even the uncomfortable parts. And Eddie was certainly uncomfortable.

“It’s…look, Ven, I know we like Jenna but remember how I was talking about how humans don’t just immediately have sex?”

“Yes.”

“We’re just friends right now and Jenna’s going through a lot of things. You know how I was sad about Anne? People are affected by their past relationships.”

Venom reached out to turn off the shower and reached for a towel to wrap around Eddie as they stepped out. “It changes your mindset?”

“Yes, exactly. At least for a bit. Sometimes it has a bigger impact on people because of what they went through. Jenna was hurt by her past boyfriends.”

“But we would never do that to her!” Venom insisted.

“I know, handsome, but she can’t just believe us on face value. Hopefully, when she gets to know us better, she’ll be able to trust us. But it’s not going to be a quick process. Respecting boundaries, right?”

“Perhaps we can ask her about her boundaries next time we see her.”

Eddie smiled and dried himself off. “That’s a great idea, Ven, we’ll do that.”

The symbiote preened proudly but then hesitated. “Eddie.”

“Yeah?” He trailed a bit of water to his bedroom when he went to get fresh clothes. He got dressed and ran the towel through his hair. Some excess water pressed the t-shirt to his back as he went to get back in bed.

“I was in your dream.” He reminded him.

“Yeah…you were.” He looked up at the ceiling.

The symbiote emerged and rested his head on the pillow beside him. It was one of his favorite spots. The fabric was soft and smelled of Eddie. He also got a good view of his host’s face. “Does that mean you wish to do that with me?” He wondered innocently.

Eddie cleared his throat. Never in his life did he think he would consider having sex with something literally out of this world. Unless you counted Princess Leia who he had a crush on as a child. But Venom was certainly a far cry from Carrie Fisher. “You know I love you.”

“Yes.” Venom purred happily. He adored nothing more than to hear that from the man. It made him feel more attached than they already were. It was an emotional attachment, something deeper than a physical bond. But perhaps intercourse would be a deeper physical bond. “I love you too.”

“But neither of us have…”

“Had intercourse.”

Eddie’s cheeks flushed red and he laughed good-naturedly. “You’re funny, d’you know that? I’ve had sex, just not with a symbiote. I’m not sure how it would work.”

“I see.”

“Doesn’t mean it’s not…impossible.” Eddie laced his fingers together and rested his hands on his stomach.

“Perhaps we can try to see. The very least, you can introduce me to human love.”

“Mhm…yeah, sure.” He’d already done a lot of things he never thought of. Sitting on top of a building, being in a high-speed motorcycle chase, and of course, eating someone. Was sex really that crazy? They were already so close and if they wanted to express a deeper sense of love, maybe it would even be healthy for them. If anything, it would relieve some of Eddie’s pent-up sexual frustration. He obviously hadn’t had a partner since Anne left and he’d been too shy to masturbate since the symbiote had come along.

“Yes?” Venom prompted.

“Yeah, of course.” Eddie smiled at him. He felt a bud of excitement form in the pit of his stomach. He was excited to explore. “But not tonight.” He said and reached over to run his thumb over the sharp jaw of the symbiote’s head. “And you might need to ease up on the teeth. I don’t want you taking a chunk outta me.” He teased.

Venom grinned. “Okay.” He agreed.

“Get some rest, sweetheart.” He murmured and closed his eyes.

“Goodnight, Eddie.” Venom curled up close to his host and his eyes slid closed. Everything felt right.

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achublesumi · 7 years ago

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Gay Pride Month 2018: I am Fluxsexual

So, I've decided to write about my pride, but not the boastful "Oh I'm perfect," pride. I'm talking gay shit. I don't know if that's really any better, but, honestly, it's one of the bigger facets of my being. I had always been gay and trans. Some of the earliest memories was me dressing as a boy, trying to pee standing up. They are memories I smile at and remember fondly, though I also have the scary, anxious memories as most of us LGBTQI people do. Remembering things like having my mom tell me I need to get a training bra (it literally wrecked my world because I had always seen myself as more masculine). Having to come out over and over again every time I found out something new about myself. That's always nerve-wracking.

So, I'm coming out again. Or, at least, explaining my seemingly complicated sexuality and gender. Do I need to? No, but I want people to understand me. I want to be open to those that have inquiring minds, or even harsh words. I want ignorant people to read this and scream at their god about how sinful I am. At least they now have some knowledge of our struggles as a community, even if they act like they don't. The main point is, this is for me. I don't care what others have to say or what they think. This is me. This is for those that wish to get to know me and to scare off those that thought they did. I don't need negative people who can't accept my fluctuating self. I am a creature of the universe and I will forever keep changing and growing. Get over it. #sorrynotsorry

I'm water, okay.

My gender and sexuality have changed many times. I started as a "straight", unknowingly-trans-cis female who didn't even really believe gay people existed. (Long story short, I had a very religious sperm donor who preached the words of his god and said how bad gay people where.) As I went through elementary school awkwardly I had a bad experience with a cis-male person. (I will need to write about it another time.) It left me fearing cis-male persons (and maybe even others). Though I didn't realize this fear until I was in high school. So, not knowing it was fear I chalked it up to hating men. Which I gave into. I would say things like, "All men are terrible/mean/gross/other means adjectives." I then just started saying I was a lesbian, cis-female throughout most of my high school years. I dated a female friend of mine eighth grade year, though our relationship was secret except to friends. People still somehow heard or assumed and picked fun at us. It was difficult. That was the first time I came out to my mom too. It was a very anxiety filled build up only to be told, "That's nice." I believe I eventually told her I was lesbian, but she would always tell me to, "Do whatever made me happy." I had also met my first actual gay person in seventh grade. At the time, she was a lesbian and talked about her girlfriend. I believe that got the wheels turning for me.

My freshman year of high school I was more "out". I would wear rainbows, but I was still a little nervous when others asked me about it. I had wanted to join my school's GSA, but was too nervous about it at the time. I also had a "boyfriend", but I never saw him because of the fear I was hiding. I avoided him like the plague and any guy that said they liked me. I would purposefully take a longer route to get to class to avoid any guys in that category. Eventually, though, I had to go to the library with a friend. He was there. My heart and mind started racing, I started sweating. I froze as he came towards me and wrapped his arms around me. I was like a scared rabbit or deer. If you had felt or heard my heart, you would have thought it was going to explode. He tilted my head up and kissed me, but all I did was freak out more. I buried my head in his chest and wrapped my arms in a vice like grip around him. I was internally freaking out. I literally didn't know what to do. Typing this now and remembering is giving me the same panicked feelings. Luckily, my friend must have noticed or felt how freaked out I was and grabbed me from him to drag me somewhere else. My savior. I don't know what happened to him, but I never saw him again after that.

I started going to anime conventions a lot with a friend as well and meeting people through that. I started dating a girl we had met at one of those events. She was nice, but lived in Phoenix. And had a boyfriend. She had, of course, cleared me with him first, so that was fine. I didn't mind at all. My first experience with an open relationship. That ended with her cheating, of course. We did try again after, but ended it about a month in. Distance is a killer for me. I also dated that same friend from before (my savior), though, looking back, I feel she is more asexual/aromatic. We broke up soon after dating.

I was a band geek as well, but only sophomore and junior years. Being in band is much like being in a really weird, sexually charged family. Especially with so many of us going through puberty and trying to find ourselves. A few guys in the band liked me, but I eventually became relaxed with it. They didn't do anything unless I told them it was okay. But I was still "lesbian". I had a couple weird experiences with guys through out my high school years, but I brushed them off as flings. I never had sex (and didn't until after I graduated HS). I also dated quite a few more females. Most, again, cheated on me. Sigh.

Through the Gay Straight Alliance club I was president of from sophomore to senior year, I was introduced to the Gay Lesbian Education Network (GLSEN) who would organize a little seminar for GSA's in Tucson. That was where I found the terms genderqueer and genderfluid. I feel I still embody both of those terms. I have feminine and masculine qualities, but I am also fluid through all sorts of genders. They also had meetings in Tucson to plan things like that and our GSA would go often and try and participate the best we could. I was also able to go to a retreat they put on up in NY right outside of NYC. It was a wonderful experience. It was where I had met my first trans people that were looking to transition. It was very eye opening. Hearing their stories started stirring something in my brain. This was the summer before senior year and I was 17 years old.

Though I had come to accept myself as gender queer/fluid, I had never really thought of myself as trans. I think it's because I really only thought of transsexual, as most people do. The night before we were supposed to leave, I had a break down. I sat outside on some grass and just started crying as realization set in. I had always been trans and I could actually see myself transitioning into a male. I don't think I was sad or scared from that, I was just sad because it had been repressed for so long. That, and the fear I had tried so hard to push down came bubbling up. I didn't hate men, I feared them. That ended up helping me define my sexuality as pansexual. I was able to go as Addem the next day as well as use male pronouns. It was so refreshing and felt nice. During senior year, my friends called me male and Addem sometimes. I was even marked absent one time because I was dressed and looked so masculine a substitute teacher would not accept me as who I was! I came out to my mom as well. She took me to a department store and bought me all kinds of male clothing. It was a better response than I could have asked for. Though everyone did not respect my pronouns and what not, I was still just happy. Sure, I had some kids make fun of me throughout my high school career, but kids are just dicks in general.

As an adult, I've also fluctuated. I had sex with a male at 19. We dated for almost 5 years and were even engaged. Though I had always wanted to have sex with a girl first, I was fine with the experience. I had told him I was into open relationships and he didn't seem opposed (when he actually was). I had met a few girls off of Craigslist (yes, I was one of those). We didn't really do much but hang out a few times, but it was still nice. Eventually, my fiance invited another female out for a night of drinking and sex with my first girl happened. She was ideal physically, though she really was not there to be my partner. She wanted just A as a partner, so we ended the relationship. Though she was the one that introduced me to FetLife. I was also on antidepressant/anxiety meds and put myself on Depoprovera shots. My sexual urges took a nose dive. Besides that point, A making me feel gross as a female and never respecting my gender identity. We didn't have sex often and I guess that made him feel I didn't love him? Thanks for the talk...

I got a coworker of mine into FetLife and going to meets. We played with her a few times and she expressed she was interested in being in a relationship with us. There was a couple of others we were in a temporary relationship with that ended soon after we started dating her. We'll call her AB. She had lied the whole time and just wanted A, to no surprise. What was surprising is how they cheated (there's a writing about them somewhere).

Now, my current partner(s), one of which is my spouse (@ekelarsons). Arson is an amazing human being and has helped me grow and express many of my suppressed dimensions. I'm able to say no without feeling bad. I am allowed to dress masculine and be called male pronouns. He uses my preferred pronouns which are "They/Them". It's beautiful.

Now, the point! I am water. I am forever fluctuating, flowing, bending, changing. "My sexuality is as fluid as my gender." is always something I like to say. I go from being hypersexual one week/day/minute to being completely asexual the next. I prefer female bodied partners, but have never been with a MTF person nor a FTM. Cis-males (and maybe FTM?) still scare me to no end, though I am sometimes sexually attracted to them (though older men scare me most, probably because I relate them to my sperm donor). I am usually demisexual with men, but sometimes I just want asexual relationship with one. I am usually highly sexually attracted to most female bodied people, but I get scared or nervous when being sexual with them (though I have had sex with women more than men). I also do this thing where I tell people I have a crush on them so if nothing can happen, I get over the feelings more quickly. I am an enigma. I am complex. My sexuality, gender, and attraction fluxes.

I am gender queer/fluid. I am fluxsexual. I am coming out once again with this term I was trying to make up, but also see others using on the internet. It fits since omnisexual is actually differently defined than what I was using it as.

Thanks for reading. :)

#gay pride month #gay #pride #fluxsexual #transgender #trans #truth #sorry not sorry #genderqueer #genderfluid #queer

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stardustacefics · 4 years ago

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Defining the Self

Pairing: Jimin x Taehyung

Summary: Taehyung and Jimin’s relationship has changed a lot over the years. During this time, Jimin finds out that he is asexual and Taehyung is worried that he is losing his soulmate.

W/c: 2k

“You are my soulmate. Longer than seven summers and cold winters. Longer than numerous promises and memories.”

2013

While Taehyung and Jimin didn’t get along right away, as time went by, they started to grow on each other. Taehyung’s box smile had the ability to make Jimin smile and laugh, even in the hardest of times. Jimin was always there to give comfort and support when Taehyung needed it the most. When they weren’t studying at school together, they were practicing in the studio together. They really are the best of friends.

2014

Okay, maybe Taehyung thought of Jimin as more than a friend. I mean, they were getting along so well now, and they have learned to understand each other better, but there was something else that Taehyung couldn’t quite figure out. Maybe it was the way that Jimin would wear his caps backwards hoping that it would make him look cool, but it actually made him look more adorable. Or it could be those mochi cheeks of his. Or maybe it was his abs… nope. Not going there. He wasn’t ready to go there. However, there was one thing that Taehyung was sure of. The way Jimin’s eyes sparkle when he is dancing… it makes his heart melt. He’s beautiful.

2015

Jimin had learned something about himself. This whole masculine persona that he used was making him uncomfortable. There was so much pressure to always be tough and stoic, but that just wasn’t him. He wanted to be authentic.

As always, when in doubt, Jimin went to Namjoon for advice.

Jimin knocked on the studio door. “Namjoon-hyung?”

Namjoon opened the door, smiling. “Hey Jimin-ie.”

“Could we talk?”

“Of course”.

Jimin walked in, and they both sat down. Namjoon looked at Jimin expectantly.

“If a guy doesn’t like to dress in a masculine way… is that… bad?”

“No”, Namjoon says gently, “It is absolutely not bad. People can dress however they want to. It’s not a matter of gender, but rather of personal expression. People should dress in a way that makes them feel the most comfortable”.

“If I wanted to dress differently, would that be okay?”

“You get to define yourself, Jimin-ie. Not me. Not the other members. Not ARMY. Just you. Just be yourself, and we will all support you. Always.”

Jimin smiled. He knew that Namjoon would be encouraging, and he always would be.

Jimin has really become more comfortable with himself, Taehyung thought. He had thrown away his hyper-masculine persona and become the soft, bright, and positive Jimin that he had known all along. It made him fall in love with him even more.

He wanted to tell him. He wanted to tell him that he liked him.

One night after they had finished practice, Taehyung and Jimin went down to Han River to take a break. The members had been practicing nonstop for weeks and they just wanted some time to themselves to relax. The sun had already set, and the stars were shining brightly in the pitch-dark sky.

“Do you believe in the galaxy?” Tae asked curiously as he stared up at the night sky.

“Yes. Do you?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think so.”

“Why not?”

Taehyung thought about it for a moment. “I guess, it’s so big. There are so many mysteries. I don’t think that we will ever really know what all is out there. Is it even possible?”

“Maybe not. But it is beautiful.”

They both stared at the sky in silence for a while, just enjoying each other’s presence. Taehyung stopped and turned to look at Jimin and smiled.

“You’re beautiful”.

Jimin looked back at him and saw this peaceful smile on his face, not the box smile that he has when he’s fooling around. He actually meant it.

“Taetae… are you trying to tell me something?”, Jimin asked with an evil grin.

“I like you, Park Jimin”.

“I like you too, my alien”.

Taehyung’s box smile appeared and Jimin started giggling.

2016

It’s too much, Taehyung thought. There was too much going on. They were all so busy all of the time. The members were putting all of their time and effort into the next comeback and he was absolutely exhausted.

“Alright everyone, let’s do the choreography for Blood Sweat & Tears again”.

He couldn’t. He just couldn’t do it.

“I…I need to go to the bathroom”, Taehyung said as he was already halfway out the door.

Jimin watched him as he was leaving and could tell that something was wrong, so he decided to follow him just in case he needed anything.

When he got to the bathroom, he could hear Taehyung sniffling from the other side of the door.

“Tae? Taehyung-ie? What’s wrong?”

No answer. Jimin sat down, leaning against the bathroom door. “Baby, what’s going on?”

“I’m… I’m so tired. There’s j-just too m-much… I can’t…”

“Shhh sweetie. It’s going to be okay.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

After a moment, Taehyung said, “Hey Jimin-ie?”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t leave.”

“I never will.”

Jimin and Taehyung has been together for a few months, and as more time passed, Jimin started to get concerned. Not with Taehyung, but with himself. It’s not that they didn’t get along, but there were moments that made him feel bad. One time, they were both sharing some kimchi fried rice and Taehyung put his hand on his knee. It was nice, even a bit comforting. But when Taehyung’s hand started moving up his leg, he just felt… off, as if something wasn’t quite right. Taehyung must have noticed because he stopped. This wasn’t the only time that this had happened though. Another time they were kissing in the dorm, but when it started to get more intense, Jimin started to panic. He had made some excuse, saying he had to go to the bathroom. It may have worked that time, but it wouldn’t work forever.

There must have been something wrong with him. Maybe he was just nervous and would eventually get over it? Yeah, that had to be it.

Jimin decided he was going to do some research, just to make sure that there wasn’t actually something wrong with him.

Why don’t I enjoy kissing my partner sometimes?

Why do I panic during sexual moments?

All of his searches gave different reasons, which was not easing his anxiety. Then, he found the term “Asexuality”.

As he was reading the definition and the stories, a lightbulb seemed to go off in his head. This is it. This is what is going on. This is my answer.

Then, his heart sank. How was he going to tell Taehyung?

2017

Months had gone by and Jimin still hadn’t told Taehyung. He just couldn’t. What if he hated him? What if he didn’t want to be his boyfriend anymore? Could they even go back to being friends after this? Different worries kept appearing and he continued to spiral.

As Jimin continued to run away from any kind of sexual encounter, Taehyung had gotten the hint and stopped trying to initiate anything. However, Taehyung had interpreted the situations a bit differently. What if he’s not interested in me? Maybe he doesn’t like me anymore? He was becoming more and more discouraged, and he didn’t know what to do.

“Taehyung-ah? You okay?”

Taehyung looked up to see Yoongi standing in front of him with an iced Americano and a hot chocolate. “Here”, he said, handing him the hot chocolate.

Taehyung took it with a small smile. “Thanks, hyung.”

Yoongi paused for a moment. “You didn’t answer my question.”

Taehyung hesitated. He normally didn’t talk about this kind of stuff with Yoongi, but he decided to try anyways.

“I don’t think that Jimin-ie likes me anymore.”

“What? Why? You guys are such saps. It’s really gross actually.”

Taehyung gave him a look. “I’m serious, hyung.”

“Okay, okay. Why do you think that he doesn’t like you anymore?”

“He… he doesn’t really seem interested in me. We kiss and cuddle, but he doesn’t seem to want to take it any further than that.”

Yoongi nodded. “Have you talked to him about this?”

“Not really. I… what am I even supposed to say? Hey, Jimin-ie? Why don’t you want to have sex with me?”

“It’s more than that, Taehyung-ie. It’s about communication. Don’t make any assumptions about him without actually hearing what he has to say. You’ll never know the truth if you don’t ask him.”

Taehyung nodded solemnly.

“Hey, can I tell you something?”

“Yeah?”

“Not all relationships are the same in that way. It’s about the individual. You have to know what Jimin likes and Jimin has to know what you like. To be honest, for me, I’m not interested in sex.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I don’t have any interest in having sex or dating or any of that stuff. It’s just not my thing. Why I’m trying to say is that you shouldn’t judge Jimin’s actions so quickly. What’s going on may not be what you think it is.”

Taehyung smiled at Yoongi. “Thanks, hyung. And, thank you for telling me.”

Yoongi smiled back at him. “Any time”.

He decided to take Yoongi’s advice. Taehyung and Jimin were eating dinner together when Taehyung gathered up the courage to talk to him.

“Jimin-ie, you know that you can tell me anything, right?”

“Mmm”, Jimin nodded, his mouth full of bibimbap.

“Anything at all?”

Jimin looked at him curiously. “Where are you going with this, Taetae?”

Taehyung stopped, searching for the right words. “If you don’t want to have sex, all you have to do is tell me. I wouldn’t be angry or anything.”

Jimin looked down, blushing furiously. “I…”

Taehyung waited, looking at Jimin. He suddenly felt really guilty. Maybe he shouldn’t have asked? What if he offended him? He might have just screwed everything up.

Jimin still wasn’t saying anything. The silence was long and heavy, and all that he wanted was for it to be over.

“Tae?”

“Yeah, Jimin-ie?”

“I… don’t want to have sex.”

“Okay. We don’t have to.”

“Don’t you want to know why?”

“Only if you want to tell me.”

Jimin looked up and saw Taehyung smiling at him, comforting as always. He should have known. He should have known that Taehyung would be accepting. What had he been afraid of all this time?

“I’m asexual.”

Taehyung smiled even wider. “That’s great! I’m glad you told me. Thank you”.

Jimin’s eyes started to tear up. “Why are you being so nice to me? After all of the times I ran away and ignored you-”

“I shouldn’t have tried to push you. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault, Taetae”.

“It’s not your fault either”, Taehyung took Jimin’s hand into his own. “Is this okay?” Jimin smiled and nodded. “Somebody once told me that communication is one of the most important parts of a relationship. Maybe… maybe we could work on that together? I want to make sure that you are comfortable”.

Jimin started to cry, burying his face into Taehyung’s shoulder. Taehyung brought his arms around Jimin and held him closer. “I love you so much. Please don’t ever forget that”.

When Jimin stopped crying, he looked up at Taehyung, who brushed his hair off of his tear-stained face. “What did I ever do to deserve you?”

Taehyung pulled him back into a hug and smiled.

2020

Their communication definitely improved over time. They had discussed boundaries and found ways of showing love to each other that they both enjoyed. Their relationship was truly a special one.

“What do you think it will be like to perform our song for ARMY?”

“I am going to start crying. I’m actually getting emotional just thinking about it,” Jimin said with a smile. “I get to tell the whole world that you are my soulmate”.

“And I get to compare our pinky sizes at EVERY SHOW!”

“TAEHYUNG!!!”

“For eternity, keep staying here. You are my soulmate.”

#bts #bangtan #fanfic #vmin #kim taehyung #park jimin #soft bois #i love these two

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auroraphilealis · 8 years ago

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Steal My Heart (steal my whole life too) Chapter Thirteen

Steal My Heart (steal my whole life too) 13/24

Genre: Chaptered, fantasy AU, Prince!Phil, Thief!Dan, romance, enemies to lovers, angst and fluff, slow burn (like serious slow burn)

Warnings: some violence, mentions of death (no main characters), dark magic, descriptions of wounds/blood, some hints of sexual scenes (but no actual smut), murder, dangerous situations, stealing/thievery

Summary: Captain of the Royal Guard and Prince of Morellia, Philip Lester has never been given the chance to find love. Instead, he’s run from a system that works to end class differences and improve equality for its citizens. Happy as he is to make the world a better place, Phil can’t help feeling bitter towards his ancestors for making it impossible for him to find someone who will actually love him for more than just his title, and strives instead for a life of justice and doing good - only to meet his match in the King of Thieves, a man who will change everything he once thought he knew in life. Together, they must depart on a quest to save the kingdom, and, in the process, destroy their differences and find their own form of love.

Word count: 240,000+

Updates: Sunday

Thanks so much to @botanistlester for betaing this giant monster, as she’s been super helpful and encouraging with her little comments and endless excitement. We couldn’t have done it without you <3

Disclaimer: In no way do I claim that this is real or cast aspersions on Dan or Phil

For reference, @snowbunnylester is Phil, @ineverhadmyinternetphase is Dan

Hey guys! I just wanted to make a quick note at the top of this chapter. There’s been a lot of… backlash and comments regarding the previous chapter of this fic, and it’s been a bit of an emotional roller coaster for both me and @ineverhadmyinternetphase. We’d like to address a few of these things here.

1. We promised/warned at the beginning of this fic that the rating would never go over pg-13. There will never be an overabundance of nsfw content other than implied and a little bit of nudity. This is down to a few things. I am ace flux, which means that I experience every form of asexuality at different levels at different times. There are days where I am completely repulsed, and days when I am fine, but I am always asexual. Julia, meanwhile, is always sex repulsed. This means that, as a duo, we made the decision to never write anything more than implied smut, particularly as that is something Julia is completely against, and I understand her completely as I have days where I am completely against it as well. I would like to reassure our readers who were worried we’d change the rating or include nsfw that this will never happen, while also informing those readers who are disappointed by this why we choose to keep the rating at pg-13. If this is a deal breaker for you, we apologize, but we will not be changing the rating at any time.

2. The entire debate/fight over Phil being a bottom has extremely upset me. I talked a lot about it on my blog, but essentially, I just want to say that both Julia and I feel that sex isn’t about power, but about mutuality, and affection, and that is why, as you will see, Dan and Phil share a very versatile lifestyle in this fic. Please don’t attack us for choosing to write them in this way; there is nothing wrong with preferring Phil as a top, but there is something wrong in attacking the others for doing something that defies the norm in the phandom.

3. Please do not go to Julia (@ineverhadmyinternetphase) regarding anything that has to do with the implied nsfw content of this fic. I’m super sex repulsed most of the time, so anything to do with asking for smut/nsfw content makes me want to throw up. Feel free to come chat to me about literally anything else though, including why I want to write fics that don’t have nsfw themes (there’s a whole bunch of acearo goodness in that answer xD)

4. We will never write any scene outside of this fic that is nsfw as a side chapter or a bonus chapter etc… This is because this makes Julia incredibly uncomfortable to think of her characters as doing nsfw things in general outside of the implied stuff we did write, and it makes me uncomfortable to even consider writing something without my co author for our co-authored fic, if that makes sense.

5. Please read this post, in regards to some of the unfriendly comments we have been receiving in some ways.

(AO3 Link) (Masterlist) (Previous)

Chapter Thirteen

The stars were out.

Phil was shivering and emotionally drained, giggling against Dan's lips and shuffling to get more comfortable pressed against him, limbs curled around his thief’s. His thief was so warm against him, even in the cold of his cave; maybe it was the fact that he was flushed, or maybe Dan was just always warm, but it hardly mattered. Phil was soaking it all up, warm from the inside out, and impossibly giddy after what they’d just done, what they’d shared together. He’d never felt so… close, to another human being, and to have shared that with Dan… it meant more to Phil than he could explain.

The animal skins beneath their bodies were covered in sweat, but Phil didn’t care. He was too busy kissing Dan, smiling against his lips, enjoying the way the other man had relaxed completely next to him, pliant to his every desire

They were dressed again, sort of. Phil had blushed so much at the end there that Dan had chuckled at him and retrieved both pairs of pants for them to pull back on. It had soothed Phil quite a bit, to not be completely exposed anymore, and Dan had been respectful as always, keeping his gaze above the waist as Phil got dressed. Now, though, now Phil couldn’t seem to stop touching all of Dan’s scarred and exposed skin, drawing pointless patterns against him like the love-sick fool that he was, and teasing at the dark marks Dan had taught him to leave properly.

“How’s that, then?” Phil mumbled, pressing two fingers into one such mark on Dan’s skin - one of the very few marks on Dan’s body that Phil himself had left, rather than - someone else.

Honestly, Phil had so many questions about all that. He wanted to trace every single one of Dan’s scars and ask him he’d gotten them, but he was far too busy feeling all fluttery and giddy inside to bother the warm atmosphere the two of them had buried themselves inside.

Besides… they’d have time for questions later, surely.

Phil was warm, so warm, against him as Dan lay on his bed of furs, their limbs entirely wrapped together. He had his head on Phil's shoulder, with Phil's arms tight around him, and their legs entangled under a soft blue blanket. The stars twinkled delicately through the cavern roof, providing just enough light for Dan to watch the way Phil's chest moved as he breathed, to stare at the contrast in their skin tone as he splayed his fingers out across Phil's ribs.

Dan shivered a little under Phil's touches, as Phil seemed to have an unnecessary desire to touch Dan everywhere, all over his scarred and marked flesh. Dan didn't understand the fascination. His body was a mess, beaten and broken from a hard life on the streets, but Phil... Phil was a creature of beauty, and Dan could stare at him forever.

Lightly, because he could now, Dan's fingers trailed down Phil's chest, exploring again the flesh he'd come to know so well. Phil's skin was soft and warm and so, so smooth, showing his life of comfort, but the way his muscles bunched belied his strength and years of training. Dan was fascinated, and he traced the pattern of Phil's freckles in the same way Phil traced Dan's scars. He could spend hours just lying here, in casual intimacy, tracing patterns on Phil's flesh and watching the way his eyes softened when he looked at Dan. Dan would never be over this. He'd never had intimacy like this before - not after he'd got what he wanted.

Phil was going to destroy him.

The oval locket Dan had given Phil earlier was still around his neck, lying against Phil's chest, and Dan felt a pang of longing when he saw it. It was so right to have it sitting there on Phil - like it belonged, like he carried part of Dan with him. Because he did. Dan had slowly but surely given his heart to this Prince, and there was no taking it back now. Dan was going straight to hell, but as he lay gently on Phil's chest, in Phil's arms, he couldn't even bring himself to regret it.

Dan gave a little shudder when two of Phil's fingers pressed against a mark at his collarbone, and he tilted his head up just enough to send Phil an unimpressed look. "Excuse you. I was busy; quit distracting me." He shifted a little closer, sliding a leg around Phil's and winding his arm securely around Phil's waist, nuzzling his head into Phil's collarbone. He snickered against his skin. "Besides, I think you're a bit more marked up than me. With a bit more practise, we'll get you there."

Phil couldn't help but laugh at Dan’s comment even as the flush raced down his chest all over again. He was so tempted to shove Dan away from him for it, except he really didn't want Dan to move. It felt so good being tangled up the way they were, like nothing Phil had ever felt before. Sure, he and Dan had shared a bed last night, cuddled a few times before now, and even been pressed together more than once, but this? This was different. This was so much more, unafraid as they were to tangle their bodies together completely now they'd seen all of each other.

Besides… it was true that Dan had managed to lay more waste to Phil’s pale skin than Phil had managed to Dan, but he didn’t mind so much anymore. His body still prickled a bit with the feeling it had given him, and that was nice, wonderful even. Phil pressed his nose to Dan’s curly hair instead, and just kind of took all of this moment in.

He was still grinning when he asked, “But I’m distracting you with what, exactly?”

Phil’s fingers trailed up Dan’s back. He could just about see a particularly nasty scar from his position curled over Dan’s head, right at his shoulder blade, and his fingers curled around it automatically. It looked kind of like a stab wound, if Phil had to guess, and it hurt him to know what Dan had to have been through in his short life so far. Still, though… he wanted to know it all.

“I don’t see you doing anything but touching me, after all. I couldn't possibly be distracting you from that, my thief,” Phil said, and pressed a quick kiss to the top of Dan’s head.

Dan stretched out luxuriously under Phil's touch, purring like a cat. He lived for having his hair touched, even in its current curly state, and so he unashamedly pressed his head into Phil's touch to demand more affection there.

"Precisely," Dan sniffed, "I was busy looking at you." He traced his fingers in one smooth swipe down Phil's ribs to his hip, tapping them lightly against Phil's skin and delighting in the way Phil shivered under his touch. Dan wanted to tease every possible reaction out of Phil, to watch his face shift as Dan grew to know his body, grew to know him. He was itching with the desire to be as close to Phil as possible, emotionally as well as physically, in every sense of the word.

Phil's hand continued down Dan's back, and he stretched again, enjoying it, until Phil's fingers brushed a scar just under Dan's right shoulder blade. Dan winced, just a little, and shifted out from under the touch. It was an old wound, but a painful one, and much as Dan didn't want Phil to stop touching him, well, ever, there were some things he was a little vulnerable about.

Dan hated being vulnerable, even if Phil was surrounding him like a warm, comforting blanket. He loved this intimacy, but it would take some getting used to.

When Dan flinched, Phil glanced down to see if he was okay, and then moved his fingers away from the spot he'd been touching before. He reminded himself not to bother that particular scar in the future, and moved his hands instead back up to Dan's hair where he knew his thief seemed to like being touched. In fact, Dan seemed to enjoy any touch to his hair, because there had been a point when tugging on it was a thing, and Dan had only seemed to encourage it.

"Mm, well. I'd much rather be bothering you, so pay attention to me," Phil teased, pouting a bit as he reached down to tip Dan's chin up to look at him, wanting to see those warm brown eyes boring into his own. He grinned when Dan did look up, and leaned down to press a soft kiss to his forehead, closing his eyes when he was done and pulling away on the slightest bit. He wanted to be close to Dan.

After all, he liked the way Dan was so comfortable with him now, and that he himself was able to let Dan touch him so easily. His body still shook under the unfamiliar touch, but it was in a pleasant way, and Phil just wanted Dan to keep touching him like this, in casual sweeps of his hand that showed he loved Phil's body just as much as Phil loved Dan’s. Phil didn't quite understand why Dan would want to look at him though; he was just Phil, bulky and pasty skinned. He personally found Dan far more attractive than himself, but then he figured this whole thing wouldn't have worked out if Dan didn’t feel quite the opposite to Phil.

"And you call me needy," Dan snorted, turning his face up when prompted and grinning cheekily at Phil. He closed his eyes briefly when Phil kissed his forehead, and returned the gesture by lightly running his nose up Phil's jaw until he could press a kiss to his cheek. Phil's hand was back in his hair again and Dan made a soft noise of contentment, curling up even closer. His arm settled around Phil's chest, wanting to hold him, to feel him near.

"So. Tell me something..." Phil trailed off, suddenly a bit nervous. For all that Dan had given him, Phil didn't want to push any boundaries. Moving one hand down to Dan's chest, Phil pushed his hand over a patch of skin that was discolored and patchy. "If I may... I want to hear your stories," he requested, pressing his palm harder over the mark in curiosity, hoping Dan would understand him.

Dan shifted a little, rolling onto his side more when Phil drew a line down his chest. As Phil pressed his fingers there, questioning, Dan blinked and followed his gaze to see a discoloured patch of skin - one of his very oldest wounds, barely noticeable now. Dan had almost forgotten it was there.

"Oh, that old thing." Dan shifted a little further to give Phil more room to explore, glancing up to look into Phil's intense blue eyes. Curiosity was the prevailing emotion there right now, and Dan smirked a little. "Want to hear my traveller's tales, Phil? I assure you, they're not as exciting as you might think. But I can indulge you for a while."

When Dan shifted to move onto his side, Phil followed him, resting his head on a bundle of fur right next to Dan's. He was surprisingly comfortable despite missing the silken sheets of his own bed and the royal pillows that took up a good half of his bed, because he was here with Dan, and there was something amazing about sharing his space, learning about him and the life he lived on a daily basis. Settling in for a few good stories, Phil kept his gaze locked on Dan’s face for a moment, until Dan started to show Phil where his scars lay.

Dan stretched again, lifting his hand reluctantly off Phil's chest to instead trace the mark that Phil was still pressing against. "This is an old scar - from when I was a boy, stealing in the markets the first time I ever got caught. My brother was sick, but I'd used up all my father's old herbs and I hadn't got any supplies left, so I went to try and steal from a healer. Unfortunately, I didn't see her rather large son." Dan shook his head, his tone wry. "He only had a small knife on him, thankfully, and the cut didn't last. My brother laughed at me when I got back." Dan closed his fingers around Phil's wrist and moved his hand away from the mark, instead dragging his waiting fingers over to a thin, jagged line that crossed Dan's hip. “This one, though, is more interesting.”

Phil hadn't known Dan's brother was sick. The thought of it made him ill, and his brow furrowed because his people weren't meant to leave orphans to die on their own. Phil didn't know what Dan's brother had had, but the way he spoke of it, it was something his father might have been able to heal had Dan's family not been gone by then already.

Knowing as little as Phil did about Dan’s family didn’t change the part of Phil that wished he could have saved them all, just for Dan.

Phil’s fingers moved gently over each scar as Dan moved his hand, tracing them softly and memorizing the feel under his fingertips. He wanted to know all of Dan, and this was part of Dan, even if it hurt to hear the dangers he’d faced.

“This one,” Dan murmured, pressing against the jagged line, "I was headed into the capital city for the first time. Ages ago - I was fourteen, so - yes, five years ago. I'd heard there was a royal parade going on for the Queen's birthday, so naturally I wanted to cause trouble." The corner of Dan's mouth twitched up. "I snuck all the way into the Town Hall, where you and your family were up on stage. The King was speaking, if I remember correctly, and I was all set to run up there and make a nuisance of myself, but a Royal Guardsmen caught me before I could get more than two feet in. I ran, of course, but he chased me. Nicked me with his blade just before I disappeared over a wall." Dan chuckled. "I think my dislike of the Royal Guard stems from then, as well."

Hearing that even five years ago Dan had intended to be a menace to the royal family surprised a laugh out of the otherwise horrified Phil, and he had to stop and consider what he might have been doing at the royal birthday party back then, if he’d come close to running into Dan himself, maybe had an encounter he’d pushed away…

Ah. Phil remembered, now. He’d been up on stage next to his father, all dressed up in his royal guard gear, still so young and new to the fold, pretending as though he was keeping his family safe when really, it was the men he’d grown up around always protecting him instead. That hadn’t been all, though; no, ironically, that had been one of the first times Phil had felt confident enough to leave the city on his own, sneaking away when everyone’s back was turned, weapon at his hip ready to pick up and use to defend himself should the need arise.

Nudging Dan, Phil smirked at him.

"I remember that celebration. Mother hadn't wanted anything so grand, but father had insisted, saying the world needed to see more of her, and so she'd gone and let father throw the biggest celebration possible. I remember I used that celebration to my advantage, and for the first time in my life, I ventured outside of the city walls all on my own. With everyone so distracted, I was able to slip off into the forests. I had just turned eighteen, thought I was so cool because I'd finally been named an official Royal Guard, but I forgot all my training that night when I ran into a Unicorn. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen," Phil stated softly. "Nearly let myself be killed when it turned and saw me, but… well, better ending than your night," Phil explained, still tracing his fingers over Dan's wound there.

Dan's eyes widened a little. "You saw a unicorn?" He sat up excitedly, shaking his head. "I can't believe it! They're so incredibly rare." Of course, now Dan thought about it, if anyone he knew was going to manage to see a unicorn then it would be Phil. Phil's good heart and moral compass would be more than enough not to scare away such a shy beast, even if it had almost got him killed. That wasn't the first time Phil had mentioned the forest, either. Dan would ask him about it later.

Unable to help his grin, Phil nodded enthusiastically. He'd never actually told anyone that story before, not wanting anyone to know or use it against him or to find another excuse to "want" him. Dan was the first he'd ever told, and he felt kind of proud of it when Dan actually sat up in excited surprise, a tinge of jealousy showing through his words.

“Maybe I’ll tell you all about it another time, but for now… tell me about this scar,” Phil said, interrupting Dan’s excitement to instead trace his fingers up to a strange white crease on Dan’s shoulder, not wanting Dan to stop talking just yet. He wanted Dan to tell him everything, and Phil feared if they turned the attention back to him instead, Dan would forget himself and avoid any more conversation about him.

Glancing down, Dan watched as Phil traced the oddly shaped scar on his shoulder and successfully making him forget about the unicorn, at least for just then. Dan let out a little sigh, staring down and away from Phil's gaze. "Well. Actually, that scar is a little embarrassing." Dan coughed into his hand, then wriggled himself back in close to Phil, so he could hide his face in Phil's neck.

"I got cocky," Dan explained. "I'd been living out on my own for quite a while, generally terrorising the local villages - no cities yet, I was still working my way up - but people had started talking about a King of Thieves who was plaguing the area. I quite liked the title. So I went into the village centre one night, all ready to break into a house, but there was another thief there who'd beaten me to it. He recognised me straight away, laughed at me for being so young. So, naturally, I, um, challenged him." Dan grimaced.

"You're still pretty cocky," Phil teased, ignoring it when Dan thumped his chest lightly to shut him up. The whole idea of Dan being cocky and stupid enough to challenge someone older than him made him smile, and the only reason he didn’t succumb to the small prickle of fear at the idea of a young Dan fighting someone older than him was the knowledge that Dan had survived, and was here now, safe in his arms. Phil snuffled a bit, and curled himself tighter around Dan.

Dan huffed. "Rude, though I can’t say you’re wrong. Never mind this thief was about twenty years older than me. Anyway. I had a knife I kept flailing at him, but he dodged easily, jumped on me and cut my shoulder." Dan shrugged, lips twitching. "I was furious, but then he cut my knee too - look," Dan paused momentarily to show Phil the matching scar on his knee, "So I couldn't move. I passed out, I think, and next thing I knew he was building me a campfire and offering to teach me how to fight." Dan shook his head, smiling again. "I stayed with him a few months, until he kicked me out to go my own way again. I'd learned a lot, though. I owe him most of my skills in fighting."

At that, Dan glanced back up again and grinned straight at Phil. "And you know how skilled I am at that, hm? I reckon I could still take you in a fight."

Grumbling a bit when Dan started to shift around in order to show Phil his knee, Phil went with it, desperate to take in all of Dan’s body and all of his stories. He wanted to know all of Dan, so he looked at the small cut on Dan’s knee for the length of time Dan was willing to show it to him, and then grumbled a bit more when Dan started to shift around some more, really getting into his story.

Finally, though, Dan stopped moving, and Phil laughed as his thief returned to teasing him.

"I'll be honest,” Phil said in reply, “I'm more than happy he taught you how to fight… but I still think I could take you, my thief," he teased, tugging a little on a stray curl that lay against the side of Dan’s head, before placing it back in the nest of Dan's hair.

Dan huffed at Phil’s response, though he more than happily moved back into Phil's hold, tilting his head and giving a little sigh as Phil continued to run his fingers through Dan's hair. Dan was also pleased that Phil was still calling him his thief. He liked the way that tied them together, but without making Dan feel like he had to change. Dan was starting to entertain the very dangerous possibility that he might somehow be able to remain a thief and keep Phil.

The thought was too precious, and Dan had to let it go.

"Excuse you, I could totally take you in a fight." Dan sounded vaguely affronted. He rolled a little, pressing himself carefully on top of Phil and grinning down at him.

Phil made a small "ooph" noise as Dan rolled on top of him, but he liked the way it looked and felt, head tilted back as Dan hovered over him. It was especially good now, though, after all they'd done, and he grinned, reaching up to press his hand to Dan's dimple again. He knew it annoyed Dan, but Phil couldn't bring himself to care. He just loved Dan's dimple so damn much.

Dan's face screwed up when Phil pressed his dimple again. Phil seemed to have an utter fascination with it, or maybe he just did it because it annoyed Dan. Dan didn't know.

Though he'd be lying if he said he hated it.

Sniffing, Dan added, "I'm not cocky without reason, now. I don't think you ever managed to lock me away in your dungeon, did you?"

Phil shook his head, knowing Dan was right. Phil, as good as he was as Captain of the Royal Guard, had never quite been able to take Dan down.

"But I've also never had the chance to take you in a fair fight, with no advantages on either side. I feel like I might have a chance," Phil explained, tugging Dan down until he could kiss him soundly on the lips, sighing softly and unable to stop smiling into it. He liked that he could do that anytime he liked, now, heart fluttering in his chest as Dan moved to rest against his chest. Legs tangled together, Phil hummed and pressed his fingers back through Dan's hair.

Dan smiled when Phil kissed him, unable to help it. There was something so casually intimate about being able to touch each other whenever they wanted, kiss each other however they liked, and Dan was growing to love it. They could build a life based on this, he thought, if only they could find a way to keep both of them happy.

Still, Dan couldn't let Phil go unchallenged, so he pursed his lips, thinking. "I suppose - if there were no advantages. We're kind of evenly matched. One difference though, my Prince." Dan's eyes gleamed wickedly as he leaned back in, tracing his nose slowly up Phil's jaw until his lips were brushing Phil's ear just enough to tease him. "I fight dirty."

He pressed a kiss there, right under Phil's ear, before moving back around to lie on his chest with a snicker. He could feel Phil shivering beneath him.

It was ridiculous, the things Dan could do to Phil, even now. The way his nose felt tracing just under Phil’s jaw, his lips brushing over his ear, and his voice all soft and heated, made something stir in him again, and Phil could do nothing but let out a soft sigh as he shivered underneath Dan. His lips parted slightly, and his eyes fell closed for just the briefest of moments.

“Fair enough,” Phil agreed lightly when he got his breath back, his heart having picked up speed at the way Dan had spoken to him. Swallowing thickly, Phil tried to clear his mind, and ended up letting out another surprised sigh as Dan shifted on top of him. He licked his lips, remembering that first day he’d met Dan on the rooftops.

“Considering the way you flirted with me the day we met… I can see you playing dirty to your dying breath,” he said.

Dan laughed at the reminder of how he’d flirted with Phil that first day, his eyes glittering as he stared at the mess he’d made of Phil. Reaching up with tender fingers, Dan went ahead and carded his own fingers through Phil’s hair affectionately, before moving to settle himself on Phil’s chest all over again. He may be a tease, but he had no plans to push Phil any further tonight than they’d already gone.

Instead, Dan changed the subject. Besides, he very much still wanted to hear about that unicorn, and his prince’s adventures, so he said, “Anyway, enough about me. You said you knew the forest well?” Dan tilted his head up to meet Phil’s eyes lightly, smiling when Phil traced his fingers through Dan’s hair again. His voice was light hearted now, a bit teasing, but mostly, he just wanted to hear Phil talk.

Dan closed his eyes, and nestled himself close to Phil again, listening to the slow, rhythmic beating of Phil’s heart. “I never ventured there - it was always too risky for me. What’s the forest like?”

Phil didn't really want to talk about himself, was much happier listening to Dan speak, but knew Dan wanted to know just as much about Phil as Phil did Dan, so he rested his head back against the furs underneath him, and thought for a second.

“It’s amazing, Dan,” he started, humming a little. His eyes sought out the night sky above them, in the little hole in Dan’s cavern that Phil couldn’t help feeling Dan was so lucky to have. His fingers played lightly against Dan’s body wrapped up in his arms, and he sighed, smiling. “There are so, so many creatures in the forest that I don’t even have a name for, rare and incredibly beautiful, just like the foliage and plants they inhabit. The further you venture in, the less traversed by humans it’s been, and the paths disappear until you’re left with nothing but natural trails to follow and strange nature to take in. Nothing’s man-made, there.”

Phil couldn’t help wanting to go back there now, thinking of the day he might get to take Dan with him. He’d not seen nearly enough of the forests in his lifetime, not yet, despite the sheer amount of times he’d managed to explore on his own. There was so much in there, so much unstudied and unknown, too terrifying even for most researchers and adventurers to seek out on their own - or at least, those known to Phil’s people. Perhaps their neighboring kingdoms knew more… some day, Phil would travel there as well, to learn… perhaps Dan would come with him.

Phil cleared his throat, continuing.

“I once found a pack of wood mice, down some strange trail I doubt I’ll ever be able to retrace again. They’re just as big as you’d imagine, huge fuzzy creatures with antenna as long as my arm. They sniffed the air when I came near, but didn’t fear me. One turned to me with big, beady eyes, but dismissed me almost immediately. They’d taken down one of the oldest trees I’ve ever seen when I stumbled upon them, and were gnawing at the bark inside, and yet it seemed as if they’d picked the tree on purpose for it’s age, not wanting to destroy the world they lived in… It was amazing, seeing nature at work like that,” Phil explained, thinking back on that wondrous day.

Dan sat up a little, staring at Phil with slightly wide eyes. Wood mice. Dan had only ever read about those mysterious creatures, they played a key part in one of his favourite fairy tales. He’d used to act that out with his brother all the time as a child, in happier times, before he’d fallen sick and Dan had watched him wither away. But wood mice - they were notoriously shy, travelling in their tight-knit groups and rarely seen by human eyes.

For all that Dan had seen and done in his life, there were some things that Phil had done much more.

Jealousy twisted in Dan’s gut for a moment, before he calmed himself. Phil had seen things Dan had only ever dreamed about, or read about in his books, but never thought could be reality. But they were for Phil. For Phil’s world.

Why couldn’t they be real for Dan’s world, too?

Phil smiled to himself, turned his head to face Dan.

“Maybe one day I can take you,” he murmured, and watched as Dan’s lips began to quirk up in a smile. Too afraid to face his response, however, Phil turned his gaze back up to the roof of the cavern, searching out the stars once more.

Dan wriggled. Maybe - maybe it could be real for Dan’s world, too, if Phil wanted to take him there. But that would involve some kind of future where they could stay together, and honestly - honestly, as much as Dan wanted that, it was difficult to imagine.

Phil was still a Prince. Dan was still a thief. They were joined for this quest to save Cornelia, yes, but after that… after that, the royals would have no use for Dan at all. And while he dared to believe that maybe Phil would want to keep him around, it was… hard to imagine. Unless Dan gave up his thieving, but that would mean abandoning all the black markets he’d ever set up, all the ways he tried to help his people.

Could he do that? Would he do that, for Phil?

Phil let his mind wander a bit, thinking of the other strange sights he’d seen in the forest, and then laughed as he remembered one in particular.

“There’s a lake I like to visit sometimes, deep in the middle somewhere. I’ve got the trail memorized, from all the time’s I’ve visited. It’s really peaceful out there, and no one but me seems to know about it, so I’m always able to find security out there. Anyway, I’ve never been in the lake, but I’ve seen something even more amazing than experiencing that water. An Articuno lives there.”

“You’re joking.” Dan shot straight up and raised both brows excitedly at Phil. “An Articuno. Like, actually, actually an Articuno.” They were almost as rare as dragons, talked about in fairy tales with just as much reverence, although they were mostly loved. Dan couldn’t count the number of stories that included a great knight being guided on his way by one.

Well, maybe that was happening now. Phil was a great knight, too, after all.

“I’m not,” Phil explained, his voice going low and conspiratorial. “I swear it. I caught them sunbathing once, and they looked at me with one, huge eye, like they knew who I was, and then flapped their wings and disappeared back into the lake like I’d never been there at all. Legend has it they don’t usually come out when people are around, but sometimes, they toss dead fish up at me, like a peace offering,” he continued, curling his fingers through Dan’s hair.

Sighing once more, Phil closed his eyes, and bit his lip.

“One day… I want to take you there. One day… I want to show you everything.”

He couldn’t help how nervous he felt saying those words a second time, terrified that Dan might reject him.

Dan held in a breath. Slowly, carefully, he lowered himself back down to Phil’s chest and hid his head in his favourite spot in Phil’s shoulder, ducking there to hide his expression for a moment. Phil offering to take him there - making future plans like they were possible - it was doing strange things to Dan’s heart.

Maybe, once they returned, Phil would be able to sneak out of the Palace sometimes. Maybe he’d be able to escape his duties and come and spend time with Dan, at least some of the time. There was also the fact that Dan’s capital city hideout was right on top of Phil’s office, something that Phil was still ignorant of, but maybe Dan could use that to his advantage in the future. The idea of swinging unannounced into Phil’s space… that was a good thought.

If only it was possible.

For now, Dan wanted to enjoy what time he did have. So he lifted his face out of Phil’s shoulder and looked back at him, shaking his head gently. Phil sounded so enamoured whenever he spoke of the forest, and it was evident enough that he loved animals and wildlife. For now, Dan would focus on that.

"Why am I not surprised you went chasing after animals." Dan's lips twitched a little, and he went back to idly tracing patterns on Phil's chest, leaning into the hand in his hair with a low hum. "I sense that's a recurring theme. I'd love to see your forest, Phil. In fact..." Dan trailed off for a moment, tilting his head to to look Phil in the eyes again. "...I think I'd like to see everything you want to show me."

When Dan didn’t reject Phil’s proposal to show his thief the wonders Phil knew, he felt a burst of excitement flare through him. Knowing that Dan wanted to see all that Phil had to show him, just as much as Dan wanted to show Phil so much, made him giddy to the bone, and he laughed as he sat up rather suddenly, dislodging Dan from his chest.

“Yeah?” he asked, rolling over on top of Dan and pushing him back down on the furs below them, arms coming up to cage Dan’s body in. He liked having advantage over Dan, was quickly learning how to play dirty himself, and nudged at Dan’s lips with his own. “You really want to see what I have to show you?” he breathed against Dan’s lips, laughing breathily again when Dan nodded underneath him. “You’ve seen more of the world then me, my thief… and yet, I still want to show you everything I know…” Slowly, Phil trailed his lips down Dan’s sensitive neck, chuckling at the way Dan tilted his head obediently in reaction

Dan gave a disgruntled squawk when Phil dislodged him from his comfortable resting place cuddled up to Phil's chest. He slid onto his back with a huff, though his eyes brightened again when Phil trapped him in place, body folded around Dan's. Phil was growing more and more confident with this, initiating more and more, and it was quickly making them equals. Dan had thought he'd be annoyed by that, but actually, it calmed him. Imbalance did neither of them good. Dan couldn't wait to keep pushing at Phil's boundaries, to see how many things he could teach him, how many firsts he could steal from Phil.

“Though, I do have to admit,” Phil continued, “That I am jealous of all that you have seen. Perhaps it would be better for you to show me the world after all,” he whispered, pulling back to look Dan in the eye, his own twinkling with something more than mirth. He pressed his hand over Dan's heart, lifted himself a bit, tried to take the mood back to something a little more serious rather than sexy. "Would you do that, Dan? If I asked you to? Would you take me away? Show me everything I've been missing out on?"

His eyes bored into Dan's. He wanted so badly to know if that was an option. Would Dan take care of him, look after him, be willing to have Phil so included in every aspect of his life?

"If I wanted to run away with you, even if just for a little while, in small spurts at a time, would you take me anywhere, my thief?"

Phil lifted off him a little, and Dan wound his arms gently around Phil's back, bringing him close. He loved holding Phil, making full use of his slight height advantage to curl his long body entirely around Phil's.

Dan shivered a little at Phil's questions, though. He could see the sincerity in Phil's eyes, hear the honesty in his tone. Phil meant what he was saying. He wanted Dan to show him the world. And if that didn’t tie in with Dan’s earlier thoughts - that maybe, possibly, there could be some kind of future for them. Somehow.

Dan's heart raced a little with excitement.

He reached up to card a hand through Phil's hair, eyes trained on his face. "Do you even have to ask? I'd give you anything you want, my Prince, anything at all to make you happy." He nudged affectionately at Phil, close to kissing him again, but not quite meeting his lips. "If you truly wanted to get away, to come with me - I could show you so many things. You'd love the menagerie in the Arkha mansion to the East, and you haven't lived until you've seen the sunrise over the coast to the North. So much I could show you, my Prince, if you step into my world for a while."

Dan meant the words, spoke them with true honesty, but there was a heaviness to his heart as well. Because however much he might want to, Dan knew he couldn't keep Phil. Phil had his duties, and he took them seriously, and Dan wished he could whisk them away from it all. He meant what he'd said when he declared he wanted to give Phil his freedom.

It was just - that freedom would mean taking him away from his family. From his job, a job that Phil clearly loved, and from a people who loved him back just as fiercely. Dan couldn’t take away their Prince. He couldn’t take Phil away from everything that made him happy.

But, if he was allowed short bursts of time… then maybe, maybe Dan could have that.

Slowly, the grin took over Phil's features all over again, Dan's eyes brilliant and sincere as he stared up at Phil. There was so much happiness bubbling up inside of him that Phil thought this might actually work, and then he was leaning back down and cupping Dan's cheeks to kiss him, open mouthed and giddy. He was grinning far too wide to make much progress here, but Dan wasn't complaining, laughing at Phil despite it all until Phil was pulling away with a happy sigh and settling his weight on top of Dan, resting his head in the crook of his neck.

Dan laughed into the kiss, laughed as Phil pressed close to him, but the sound was one of pure joy. Usually he laughed at someone's expense, the sound snide and jeering, but with Phil, he felt true happiness radiate inside him. It was like Phil reached between all of Dan's nasty little corners and instead found the true, warm, soft person he could be.

It made Phil smile, made him so happy, to hear Dan laughing with him, the sound soft against his lips, soft in his ears. He wanted to bathe in it, find another million ways to make Dan make that sound, and he curled into him, let himself be held, buzzing with more happiness than he could explain. He'd never been this happy, and it was strange because he shouldn't be just then. So much had happened to his family, so many things had changed, and his kingdom was in peril, and yet, Phil just wanted to have this moment with his thief.

"Dan," he whispered, and closed his eyes, searching with one hand for Dan's so he could slot their fingers together again. He wasn't sure if he was pushing too far yet, but there was so much Phil wanted to say. He bit his lip, afraid to scare Dan away, and nuzzled closer still, reaching up with his other hand to close his fist around the pendant around his neck. "Dan," he said again, and sighed.

Dan held Phil tight as Phil nuzzled against him, holding in another burst of laughter. He was buzzing with happiness, listening to the way Phil sighed his name. Hardly anyone knew Dan's name, and no one spoke it aloud without risking Dan cutting them. He’d kind of… ditched it, after his family passed and he became known as the King of Thieves. It was perfect and strange to hear Phil saying it, even now.

"If you promise to take me, if we survive this month... then I promise to go with you," Phil insisted, voice quiet.

Those were the most perfect words ever. A sealed promise that Phil would come with Dan, would let Dan show him the world. That this wasn’t going to be the last of their travels together.

But Dan's eyes narrowed a little at Phil's comment.

"What do you mean, if we survive? I have absolutely no intention of letting you escape my clutches so soon." He ran a hand down Phil's back, digging his nails in just a little, just enough to make his point. "I don't let my belongings get damaged, Phil, and you most definitely belong to me."

Phil's back arched into Dan's touch, a thrill going through him at the use of nails and the way Dan said his name, claiming Phil all over again. He might have once found that horrible, or rude, but knowing that that was how Dan showed his affection when things were getting too close to matters of the heart, when he hadn't yet pushed himself into being open and vulnerable again, Phil didn't mind it. He collapsed back against Dan, his own hand moving up Dan's side's, caressing the skin.

"Protect me," Phil whispered, nosing Dan's neck. "As I protect you.” His lips brushed against Dan’s skin, and he pressed a quick kiss there, gentle as ever. His eyes fluttered closed as he held tight to Dan. He wanted nothing more than to believe that they would both come home safe from this adventure they were about to go on, but there was still something niggling at the back of his mind, a thought he’d had just that morning.

“Can I ask you a question?" Phil asked, waiting for Dan’s hum or approval before continuing on. "You promised my family to bring me back alive. That doesn't mean at the expense of your life, does it?" he asked, voice hushed as his palm spread over Dan's skin, took in the softness of him, the way it felt to be able to touch another human being. He nosed up against Dan's jaw once again, and then adjusted his head, looking up at Dan with something like fear in his eyes. "I know you, or I think I know you, but I don't want you to ever put me before yourself if it means you getting yourself killed."

Dan couldn't help but stiffen a little when Phil asked if he could ask Dan a question. Dan's first instinct was to fear the worst - that this soft moment between him and his Prince couldn't last, that Phil was finally going to ask Dan something that he couldn't answer, or at least not in a way Phil would like. Dan's mind raced with possibilities, thinking how many terrible things Phil could ask him - not least the truth of Phil's Uncle's death, which Dan really did not want to divulge.

He relaxed, then, and even gave a small laugh, when Phil's actual question was of a much kinder nature. He simply asked whether Dan intended to protect Phil's life over his own, if it came down to it. The question was still serious, as Dan could tell by the worried look in Phil's eyes when he looked up at Dan, reiterating that he didn't want Dan to get killed, but there was such a protective nature to it, betraying just how much Phil didn't want to lose Dan. Dan felt his heart expanding in his chest until he feared it would burst.

Dan chuckled again, low in his throat, and tightened his grip around Phil until he was hugging Phil tight against his chest. "You fool," he murmured fondly, and brought a hand up to tangle in Phil's hair. "I don't want to die for you. I'm not saying I wouldn't, if the situation came to it - don't argue with me, the life of a Prince will always be worth more than the life of a thief - but I would much rather we both survive." Dan tipped his head back a little as Phil nosed at his jaw, and he gave a happy little sigh. "Such a fool, my Prince. I'm not going to let either of us die, and certainly not by a dragon, of all things."

It felt good to have Dan tightening his arms around Phil, chuckling as if Phil's question was ludicrous. It helped Phil to relax, the fear that had been plaguing him since before they'd left the Castle finally being settled a bit.

Until Dan kept talking, of course.

It didn't matter that Phil was the most comfortable he'd ever been, didn't matter that Dan had a hand threaded through his hair, didn't matter that Phil didn't want to pop their bubble of bliss. Hearing Dan say that the life of a Prince meant more than a life of a thief, whether or not he bookended that with the reassurance that Dan had no plans on either of them dying, not only broke his heart but pissed him off, and Phil sat up against Dan, pinning Dan’s lower half with his own weight by sitting on top of him.

The glare he sent at Dan was the worst Phil could muster, and he reached down to punch Dan in the shoulder the same way Dan had done to him when Phil had nearly walked into quicksand back there, in Dan’s desert. He was absolutely seething as he stared at his - his - person, his heart beating rapidly in his chest.

“No. Fuck you, Dan. Don’t you dare say those words to me,” he hissed, teeth gritted as Dan stared up at him in surprised awe. “Your life is just as important as mine. If it comes right down to it, you let me die,” he continued, his voice a low growl. Uncaringly, Phil pulled his arm back and punched Dan in the arm, because the idea of Dan dying for Phil, leaving Phil, not least of all because he didn’t think his life was important enough, killed him.

“I’d be more willing to accept that you couldn’t live without me than that you didn’t think your life meant enough in this world. You are just as good, just as important as me, Daniel Howell, and I will personally kill you myself if you ever let yourself leave me for something as - as - ridiculous, as that.”

Phil's chest was heaving, and he thought he could feel the tears prickling again, but he didn't shift away from Dan, just continued to glare at him as he grit his teeth. He realized his words might not make so much sense, but he thought he might have gotten his intent across clearly enough for Dan to get it. Phil wouldn't accept Dan thinking himself less than Phil.

Dan's eyes widened when Phil sat up, pinning him in place, and punched his shoulder hard. He blinked, shocked. Phil was speaking so passionately, as if he truly meant what he said, and his tone brooked no argument. He was adamant that Dan was worth as much as him, that they were equal. That was so rare for their world, and also just not true - if Dan returned without Phil, he had no doubts at all that the royals would not look kindly on him. Losing a Prince, one of the royals, was so, so much worse than losing a thief.

Never mind that Dan literally couldn’t imagine leaving Phil in danger and not doing something about it. He’d promised Phil’s mother that he’d bring Phil back safe. Dan was not one to break his promises.

But still, the fact that Phil was willing to literally punch him to show how much he didn’t want to lose Dan… Phil must truly care about him, then, if he was so passionate about Dan's survival.

Dan knew he couldn't let that stand, though. The thought of living in a world where he'd let Phil die was completely unthinkable, and he had no desire to allow that to happen.

So Dan narrowed his eyes right was back at Phil.

"That's a nice ideal world you're living in, Phil. Do you think your parents would forgive me if I brought you back dead?" Dan's words choked a little, his voice cracking at even the thought. His eyes hardened. "As if I would let that happen. We are equal, Phil, yes, but I will not lose anyone else in my life. You hear me? I'm not letting you in this much just to go and lose you."

Dan's tone was final, and he turned to stare determinedly up at the ceiling, past Phil's shoulder. He didn't want to fight with his Prince, but he could sense a disagreement coming, and it made his heart sink. He didn't want to burst their little bubble, not yet, no matter how much the world was against them.

Phil was choking up, blinking hard to try and keep himself from crying, able to feel the lump forming in his throat. He'd never, not once in his entire life, cared for someone the way he cared for Dan. He'd never thought he could have this, and the idea that he might lose everything was tearing him up inside. But Dan was right. As he spoke, words nearly as venomous and passionate as Phil's, Phil realized where he was coming from, what they were up against, and he let a little sob break through at the reminder that, at least in their society, Phil was above Dan. In the end, if Dan were to allow Phil to die… Dan’s life would be forfeit, whether Phil thought that fair or not.

More than that, though, the last thing Phil ever wanted to do was force Dan to lose another person he cared for, no matter how much he didn’t want to lose Dan. It was just… Phil needed to make it clear that he would rather be dead than live without his thief. The biggest problem was - it seemed the same was true for Dan, and that made it all the harder still, because Phil had this terrible feeling in his gut that if it came right down to it, the person throwing themselves into the line of fire first… would be Dan.

Phil couldn't let that happen.

With eyes burning with tears, Phil shook his head vehemently at Dan, and leaned in close to him. He was not going to let this go without a fight. Not so carefully, Phil moved his hands to grip Dan’s wrists in his, and slammed them to the ground, bracing his body over Dan’s and trapping him beneath him. His thief did not even struggle, something that lit a fire inside of Phil, and then he was leaning down and dragging his thief into a fierce, demanding kiss.

His lips were hot on Dan’s, teeth digging into his skin, nipping and sucking and taking as his tongue pushed past Dan’s mouth to devour him whole. His tears were dripping onto Dan’s face, but he didn’t care as he kissed him hard, sobbing into his thief’s mouth and taking all that he could. Dan gave him everything - Phil could feel it in the way he yielded to him, fingers shifting into fists under Phil’s hold, body pressing up into Phil’s to reassure him that he was here, and alive, and Phil’s.

The way Dan touched him, even without the use of his hands, reassured Phil that this man belonged to him, and slowly, the kiss turned from demanding anger, to soft, desperate love, Phil whining soft cries into Dan’s mouth, panting against his lips, and just trying to… take.

The King of Thieves belonged to Phil Lester, and there was no way in hell he was ever going to give that up.

By the time Phil pulled away from Dan, his grip was bruising, desperate to shackle Dan to him.

“Then we’re not going to die,” Phil insisted, voice broken but hard. “Neither of us, because I am not losing you when I only just found you.”

Dan gasped a little from the ferocity of Phil's kiss, from the sheer, deep, true emotion behind it. He could feel Phil trembling against him, sense a hold hard enough to hurt against his wrists as Phil held him pinned to the ground. Dan had absolutely no desire to move, but he wasn't sure he could break Phil's hold even if he wanted to.

This was strange, for Dan - to feel so loved by someone else, held so dear to someone that the thought of losing him made them react like this. Dan couldn't really remember a time he'd felt love quite like this - and it physically hurt. It hurt, because he wanted to take Phil away from every danger, to stay with Phil in a quiet little corner of the world away from any horrors, and yet, that seemed impossible. Especially now, when they had a Princess to save.

Dan wriggled his fingers a little, shifting in Phil's hold until he got Phil to release one of his wrists, and then his hand went straight to Phil's cheek, holding him in place as Dan looked at him firmly. "As I said - I have absolutely no intention of letting either of us die. You said you'd trust me, my Prince - trust me to keep us safe. Us, together, equally. I'm not going to let you die, but I don't have any plans to die for you, either."

Dan's tone was stern, but his hand was soft against Phil's cheek. Dan caressed the skin there gently, until he had Phil leaning into his touch. Dan kept his eyes trained on Phil's face at all times, hating the hurt he saw there, the fear hidden away in those intense eyes. "Think of it this way, my Prince - I have survived many situations before, and I always live to tell the tale. Now I have you to protect, I just have extra incentive to live. I promise you - do as I say, and we will survive." Dan's lips twitched a little. "You'll have to get better at obeying me, though."

It was hard, to let Dan go, release his wrist and wait out his reaction, purely because Phil didn't want to let go. He just wanted this entire situation to be over and done with, for both of them to be safe and to act as if nothing was wrong. If only there were another way to get that dragon scale, to save his family, without putting either of them at risk. Not for the first time, Phil once again wished he wasn't a prince, that he didn't have duties to a kingdom he half hated half the time, the he and Dan had been handed a different lot in life.

He nuzzled into Dan's hold on his cheek, too scared to close his eyes, and let the tears drip down some more, because what else could he do? Dan wanted him to trust him. Phil did, he really did, but he just wanted things to be perfect and okay. Anything could happen with a Dragon. They were ancient beasts, and they hoarded treasure. They were unlikely to be happy about two grown, armed men walking into their lair, whether they intended to steal their treasure or not. Perhaps their scales meant just as much to them at their treasure.

Fingers tightening on Dan's other wrist, Phil nodded, letting out a watery laugh at Dan telling him to obey him better.

"I'll do anything for you," he insisted, shaking his head and finally closing his eyes. "I'd do anything to stay with you. Don't let me go, no matter what,” Phil begged. “I swear to you, we'll get through every hurdle thrown our way. I don't want to lose you."

Phil's words washed over Dan, and for the first time, he let himself truly believe them. He imagined, for a moment, that what Phil was saying was true - that he'd truly do anything for Dan, go anywhere with him, work to keep him safe and happy. And much to Dan's shock, he felt an odd burning in his throat.

Someone legitimately cared about him, someone he wasn't related to or stealing for or giving handouts to. Someone actually wanted Dan for Dan.

The thought was almost too precious to bear.

Dan swallowed thickly, blinking. The hand on Phil's cheek traced down slowly, wiping away his tears before moving along his jaw and down his neck, until Dan could touch the locket hanging about Phil's neck - Dan's locket. It looked right, there - a reminder that Dan was tied to someone else, tethered to this place by his connection with another person.

The best kind of connection possible.

Dan shivered a little, and despite the serious nature of their conversation, he could feel a smile beginning to spread slowly across his face. He splayed his fingers against Phil's shoulder, and let out a small bubble of laughter.

"I'm just happy," he explained softly, eyes meeting Phil's gaze again. There was always so much emotion in Phil's eyes, like they were saying so much more than Phil could put into words. Dan's smile widened still further. "You actually care about me, don't you? You care what happens to me."

Dan's voice was a little awed, no trace of his usual arrogance. He itched to pull Phil against him again, to nuzzle close, but he wanted to dispel Phil's fears a little more.

"You give me something to live for," Dan murmured, almost too softly to hear, pressing his thumb gently into a mark he'd left on Phil's collarbone earlier. "I didn't think I had anything but hatred and fight left in me, but you - you give me something to live for, Phil Lester."

Phil's heart was in his throat. It seemed like it always was with Dan. Their relationship was just still so new, so fragile with the possibility to break. There was trust between them, but it wasn't as established as it could be. Phil understood that real trust couldn't form without time, and time was something he knew he could give his thief. Whether he was never believed, Phil would always keep his word to Dan, get him out of any and all situations he managed to get himself locked into, and never give up on the bond they'd formed between them. He would never betray Dan's heart.

Phil shivered as Dan's hand moved down his body once again, over his neck and down his chest until he was settling fingers over the very object Phil now treasured above all else. Phil watched the way Dan's lips trembled, watched the way his eyes went soft and clear, the way he seemed to open himself up in a way he still hadn't fully done, until he was looking up at Phil with eyes wide open, a window to his soul.

Lips twitching himself, Phil snorted out a small laugh, sniffling against his tears.

"I care about you so much. I think I always have, really," Phil whispered in return, nodding his head emphatically, sniffling again. "And I will fight for us," he insisted, nodding assertively.

His heart fluttered, body aching where Dan was pressing his finger, reminding Phil of what they'd done, how they'd sealed themselves together in a different, special way that Phil didn't want to break. Leaning forward, Phil kissed him again, eyes closed as he sighed against Dan's mouth. He moved the hand still pinning Dan's wrist down again, and pushed his fingers through Dan's.

Dan sighed against Phil's lips as he was kissed again and again. He could lose himself to this feeling - of being cared for, of being loved. A part of Dan still recoiled at the word, not wanting to admit to such a strong emotion again after so many empty, lonely years, but being here with Phil made everything seem so easy. It would be easy, to let those words slip out for this Prince with the heart of gold and the desire to do what was right, what was good, to make everyone around him happy.

They kissed for a while longer, a sensation that Phil would never get tired of, and he let his eyes drift closed as he let himself slip into Dan, falling in love with him over and over again. He wanted so much, wanted to stay here forever, but he knew this happy little bubble would have to break eventually, and they'd have to move back to the real world. That was never going to change Phil's plans or his words, though. He'd always want all of this.

"You are my reason to live, Daniel Howell," Phil whispered in return, right against his lips.

Dan gave a little start at hearing his full name spoken aloud again. It brought back memories of his family, memories that were all too prevalent lately as he lay curled up in Phil's arms. Dan linked his fingers with Phil's happily, and then rolled them now he was free, so they were lying side by side on his furs and he could get his head resting against Phil's chest again. He loved to hear the steady beat of Phil's heart, reminding him that this was real.

Phil let Dan move them so they were laying side by side again, sighing as Dan settled his head over Phil's chest again, and relaxed, turning his gaze back to the view from Dan's cave to the starry sky above him once again. He couldn't help it as he wished on those stars that things would be okay, and that they could both return here one day, well and alive.

"I could love you, Phil," Dan mumbled against Phil's neck as he curled his long limbs sleepily around Phil's. His restless night in Phil's bed in the Castle, accompanied with the comfort of being back in his own space, was making Dan's eyelids heavy, despite the fact they’d literally stayed in bed for hours. He nestled as close to Phil as he could possibly get, throwing an arm around Phil's waist and holding him close. "I'll fight for us, too. For our freedom. You deserve so much freedom, you know? Your smile is so much wider when you're away from your duties."

Phil glanced down at Dan, unable to help the smile, as he admitted to being able to love Phil, but didn't push it. He didn't think he was ready to say I love you yet either, despite being certain of his own feelings, and let out a small sigh of contentment instead, wrapping his arm around Dan's shoulders to drag him ever closer. They needed to sleep, and the way Dan was cuddling up to Phil told him he was ready to drift away.

Phil had a feeling he wouldn't be sleeping so soon, but that was okay.

He grinned again at Dan's soft words, and then leaned down over him to kiss the top of his head. "Then perhaps we should fight for both our freedom," Phil whispered to him, kissing his head again. "Sleep, my thief. We have a long month ahead of us," he said.

There were so many thoughts and questions and problems at the back of Phil's head that he knew they needed to deal with, but not now. Not now, not after they'd made love, not when things were still so bright and happy and good. Phil had Dan in his arms, never wanted to let him go, and everything else could wait.

Thoughts of Phil's uncle still plagued him, his heart still ached, but he didn't want to push Dan yet. He wanted to give them both some more time, wanted to let them develop more, and then they could touch the hard issues. For now, as Phil stared up at the night sky, the view more beautiful than anything he'd ever seen before, he just wished and prayed that things would turn out alright.

It didn't take long for Dan to drift into sleep after that, Phil's whispered words accompanying him into his dreams. He was comfortable back on his furs, although he had to admit that Phil's bed had been softer, and the royal silken sheets were more comfortable to wrap up in, as well.

Dan could hardly complain about his sleeping conditions when he had a Phil to cuddle up to, though. Phil was warm and strong and his heartbeat was slow and steady in his chest, reminding Dan that he miraculously wasn't alone. He had someone to stay with him, and he was safe in his cavern, which meant that for once, Dan was allowing himself to completely succumb to sleep, rather than nap with one eye open in case of intruders.

It took a good, long while for Phil to sleep, busy as he was dealing with his own messed up and confused emotions. There was so much happiness in his heart, bubbling forth and wanting to leap right out, but there was pain too, and so much worry. Phil was scared. He was scared for his relationship with Dan, he was scared for the future of his kingdom, he was scared about his own future, and he was scared for his family and the Palace and the Dragon he was about to face. Dan could reassure him all he wanted, Phil could trust him to the end of the Earth and back, but he was still scared.

He didn't know if they would succeed, or what casualties would come if they did, and that was the hardest bit for Phil because he was determined to do all that he could to keep Dan alive with him for as long as he could. He didn't want to lose his thief. He truly, truly wanted to spend the rest of his life with him.

The sky soothed him, though, as did Dan's steady breaths and the comfort of being wrapped up in someone else's arms, and soon, he found himself drifting to sleep.

Dan slept soundly, relaxed, curled up in Phil's warmth, right through until dawn sent streaks of light angling through his cavern. Dan stirred reluctantly, not wanting to blink open his eyes. Somehow, during the night, he'd lost all of his furs again, and he was lying mostly bare under the crisp chill of the desert morning air. There was a warmth around his waist, though, and a steady sound of breathing in his ear that told Dan he was still in Phil's arms.

Dan smiled, blinking open his eyes to look at Phil, and oh - that was where his blankets went. Dan rolled his eyes a little fondly. He didn't want to disturb Phil just yet, not even to steal back his furs, so Dan settled himself down onto his stomach, content to watch his Prince's face and maybe drift in and out of sleep for a little longer.

Their little bubble was soon to break, as they had a journey to start and an urgency to their mission. But Dan didn't quite want to give up their newfound intimacy yet.

When next Phil woke, he did so with a giant yawn, the early rays of the sun streaking through Dan's cavern warming up his skin already. He felt kind of sticky and sweaty, and realized with an embarrassed start that he had indeed stolen Dan's furs in the middle of the night. Dan was still in his arms though, neck twisted as he slept on his stomach, breathing even but not like last night. It took a few blinks for Phil to realize that Dan was in fact awake, and he grinned, slow and happy, humming as he unrolled himself from his fur cocoon in order to reach out and touch Dan's cheek.

That warm something that had long since settled in him was back, and fiercer than ever. He could still remember the way Dan had looked at him last night, touched him, and it only fueled everything even more between them. Letting his eyes slip closed, Phil bathed in those memories. He'd given up so many firsts to Dan, firsts that he would never forget or regret.

The touch to his cheek roused Dan again, if reluctantly. He was enjoying simply lying on Phil's chest and savouring the moment, listening to his quiet breathing and feeling safe wrapped up in his arms.

Dan shifted away from the touch, his face screwing up. He grumbled something inaudible and shoved his face determinedly into Phil's shoulder, refusing to wake up unless he absolutely had to. There were precious few mornings that Dan could truly indulge himself, and lying in was one of his favourite things to do. Phil was going to have to learn to deal with that.

"Thought I was supposed to be the thief around here," Dan mumbled slightly louder, shifting around just enough until he could recover the furs that Phil had somehow appropriated while they slept. Phil had unrolled himself now, though, so Dan snatched them back and settled under them, pressing his face back against Phil in a show that no, he definitely did not want to get up any time soon.

There was something particularly intimate and sweet about a sleepy Dan who was also incredibly comfortable with Phil now, and Phil couldn't help laughing as Dan shifted about, stealing back his furs, and slumping back into Phil's slide in an impressive show of not being willing to get up. The entire moment was a stark contrast from yesterday morning, and really made it clear to Phil that Dan had actually slept really well here, compared to in Phil’s rooms’.

Pressing his hand into Dan's curls, Phil slipped his fingers through the soft hair and sighed. They needed to get up and start their journey soon, but a little while longer of resting couldn't possibly hurt, right? And besides, Phil hadn't slept that well either.

On the other hand, he also really wanted to get up and explore Dan's cavern, only he wasn't entirely sure Dan would be okay with him doing that on his own, nor was he sure Dan was going to give up his Phil shaped pillow considering the way he kept shifting his head into Phil's touch like he couldn't get enough.

Sighing, Phil allowed himself to relax a bit more instead, deciding he could get up later. For now, he was just going to let himself enjoy the way Dan nuzzled him and showed him a different kind of trust by being so vulnerable to Phil that morning.

Phil didn't drift, however. Instead, he let his eyes cast about the cavern, taking in all the piles upon piles of objects and lines of exotic plants everywhere. There seemed to be some kind of order to the chaos of the room that Phil wanted to go and figure out. He itched to get up, to discover more about his thief, but Dan was so warm and cuddly right then.

Eventually, Phil couldn't take it anymore. Sure, cuddling with Dan had become his favorite thing, but Phil wanted to see, and so he found a way to finagle himself out of Dan's grasp, stood up with an excited grin, and began to explore. He hadn't had the chance last night.

Dan let out a small muffled groan of complaint when Phil disentangled himself, but he was too sleepy to bother with getting up yet. He missed the warmth of his Prince by his side, so instead Dan rolled himself up in the furs until he was cuddled up in a ball, and stuffed his face determinedly in the rough rug they'd been using as a pillow. It still smelled like Phil - that would do, seeing as Phil had seen fit to abandon him.

Dan could hear Phil moving around the room, apparently stopping to take things in, so Dan opened one eye to make sure Phil didn't accidentally fall on something, or trip and hurt himself. He also wanted to check just what exactly Phil might find - Dan kept his most precious things here in his cavern, and although the significance of most of them would be lost on Phil, Dan was still a little worried about being entirely open with someone new.

And yet, as Dan watched Phil moving around his things, he was struck by the notion that this was completely right. Having Phil among Dan's belongings felt natural, and good, and Dan liked to see him there as if he belonged in this cavern as much as Dan did. Perhaps he could pretend, for a while, that Phil belonged in his world. Dan so wished he could be here permanently.

Dan's home contained a lot of priceless objects and scrolls, but very little of the room was actually made up of gold or jewels or other common objects that the thief stored in his cloak. Instead, there were scrolls and crowns and things Phil couldn't even begin to understand. Of course, there was still the occasional jewel, and as Phil moved about he even found Dan's stash of money, but the more he looked around, the more he began to realize just how much of what he stole Dan actually gave away.

It made Phil’s lips twitch up happily as he looked around Dan’s cavern. The room seemed to hold nothing more than Dan’s favorite things, including the beautiful rugs and draperies hanging on the walls, soft to the touch and full of so much beauty and culture that Phil quickly realized Dan just loved art. Dan seemed to love a lot of things Phil hadn’t realized he might be interested in, and he squatted down next to a bunch of children’s toys, all worn out and old.

Something told Phil that Dan hadn’t stolen these items. Perhaps he’d found them. They were too well loved to be anything Dan would steal away. Phil knew better of his thief; he only took from those who had too much, and no rich child would ever allow their toys to become this worn.

Fingers shifting over item after item, Phil eventually lifted up something very familiar to himself, and he gasped a little as he picked up a little stuffed lion, badly made and rough around the edges, but nonetheless his.

Slow smile taking over his face, Phil brought the tiny item up close to his face, and took in the tiny patch under it’s left foot with a small "M" underneath it.

Martyn had made and given this lion to Phil when he was seven years old and having nightmares every night. It had been a toy meant to protect Phil, and he'd lost it when he was eleven and had gone out into the market alone for the first time, wrapped up in a cloak, and tried to pretend he wasn't the prince.

Dan had found it, and somehow it felt like fate that Phil would find it again here.

Dan watched with mild surprise as Phil paused by the selection of toys he had in the corner of his cave, tucked away like the memories that accompanied them. Dan had kept those from when he and his brother were small - before his brother had died. Mostly they were objects Dan had stolen from market stalls to try and make his brother feel better; even then Dan had taken things from the rich stall owners, even if his parents disapproved. Dan had just wanted to give them a better life the only way he knew how.

Dan sat up a little, ready to stop Phil if he had to - he didn't want to reveal too much about his past - but Phil seemed to be fascinated by a small lion. Dan couldn't recall too much about it - one of the collection of toys he and his brother had played with, before everything got too terrible. Dan hadn’t stolen that one, though, he remembered being gifted it by the older boys he used to run with as a child. Dan had kept it, though, as a constant reminder. He didn't want to forget his past, no matter how much he didn't want to talk about it.

Dan was curious why the lion had caught Phil's attention so much, out of all the many mysterious trinkets Dan had in his cavern. So he sat up a little more, still wrapped in furs, and disturbed the silent peace of the morning. "You know, I thought a Prince might have finer taste than that ratty old thing."

Phil was startled out of his reminiscing by Dan speaking up from across the room, and he whipped his head around to look at him. Dan was sat bundled up in his furs, hair a wreck, and eyes glossy with sleep. It made Phil smile again, and he sat up with the lion still in his hands to return to Dan's side with it.

"Fuck off, I have great taste," Phil complained, though he was teasing. He wasn't too offended by Dan's rude comment; after all, the object clearly meant just as much to Dan as it did to Phil if he kept it here in his cavern, exactly where he kept the rest of his most precious items. Playing with it between his fingers and re-memorizing the feel of the tiny stuffed animal that had seen him through some of the worst few years of his life, Phil let his lips quirk up fondly.

"I think I know where you got this," he whispered, and finally looked back up at Dan. "The market place about… ten or so years ago, right? Twelve," he corrected himself, voice quiet. "I've never been much for the finer things in life. Surrounded by money and able to have anything I could ever ask for, ratty old gifts have always been my most treasured items," he explained, and looked back down at the small, tattered old lion plushie in his hands. He'd loved this thing so much.

"This? This right here feels like fate," he continued. "It's mine, Dan. This toy is mine.”

For a moment, Phil didn’t say anymore. He just kind of stared at the toy in his hands, and played with it between his fingers again, enjoying the silent moment between he and Dan, and reveling in the moment of reveal. Then, finally, he turned back to face Dan with a small grin.

“My brother made this for me when I was seven because I used to have nightmares, and when he gave it to me, he said 'This lion will keep you safe, from now on. He'll be like your spirit animal, and so long as you have his spirit with you, no one will ever be able to hurt you again,’” Phil said, mimicking his brothers voice and laughing a little at how ridiculous he sounded. The memory was a fond one, for him. “At the time, of course, I believed him about spirit animals, and I was convinced that this lion was in me. The nightmares started to go away, and I… well, I got braver. I started to get reckless, to feel annoyed at being cooped up at home, unhappy in my roll as a prince…” Phil trailed off, rolling his eyes at himself.

“How cliche, right? But it’s true. Even then, I was unhappy, approached by girls who wanted me for no other reason than my title. I got my heart broken the same year I lost this toy, the same year -” Phil trailed off, sighing a bit, and running a hand through his messy hair. “The first time I ever ventured out into the marketplace on my own, I was in disguise, and I had my lion on me just in case. I thought he’d give me the strength to survive on mine, that maybe I could run away from my own life for just a little while… but, that very day twelve years ago, I was beaten up in a back alley by some boys. Probably homeless, orphans, like you. They stole all my money, beat me so bad I almost didn’t think I’d survive, and left me to die. If I hadn’t managed to crawl home, I don’t know what would have happened, but a Royal Guard found me curled up at the West Entrance and took me inside. He’s one of the reasons I decided to become a guard, you know, because he took care of me and didn’t rat me out to my parents, offered to teach me how to fight…” Phil trailed off again, remembering, and then shook his head. “Anyway. That was the day I lost my lion. It feels like fate that I would find him again with you.”

Dan listened in astonishment as Phil explained exactly why he'd got so attached to the lion out of all the things in Dan's cavern. The story was an incredible coincidence - and Phil called it fate. Dan had never believed in such a thing, instead sure that you made your own destiny, but this was certainly a coincidence of the highest order.

Slightly in awe, Dan watched the way Phil handled the lion with such gentleness and familiarity. He had no doubt the story was true. Dan leaned into Phil's side a little and grimaced at the idea of a young Phil so brutally injured in the marketplace, his first time out in the market. He must have been young, so sheltered, twelve years ago. Dan felt a sudden ferocious burst of protection for Phil, wishing he'd known at the time, had done something to stop it.

"You should keep it," Dan murmured, his eyes fixed on the lion in Phil's grip. "It's yours, then. I recognise your story. I didn't - I - I wasn't one of the ones there," Dan explained hesitantly, wincing at the idea of hurting Phil, even in the past. "But I - ah - I ran with a bit of a nasty crowd, back then. My father never approved, but my brother was tiny and frail so it was easy for me to slip out, and - there was this group of older boys. Thieves and orphans, mostly, but they gave me stuff if I lied for them, taught me how to steal. They gave me that." Dan nodded to the lion, his voice soft. "I gave it to my brother. We played with it, a lot."

Dan let out a low sigh. His and Phil's pasts, which Dan had always thought were so separate, were in fact not quite so different. At least they intercepted at this one point. It made Phil feel more real - as if he could exist here, with Dan.

If there was anything that could make Phil feel even happier that he'd lost his lion so long ago, it was hearing that Dan had given the toy to his frail little brother, and that the two boys had played with it far more than Phil probably had. Phil had always kept it on his person, tucked away in his pants or shirt pockets, keeping it locked up on himself for every adventure he went on. But knowing that Dan and his little brother had probably given it more love and attention, in a way, made Phil's heart swell, and he shook his head at Dan's offer for Phil to keep it.

"No. It's yours, then. I want you to keep it," Phil said. "It holds so much more for you. I - I'm happy you're the one who ended up with my toy," he explained, and took Dan's hand, turning it over so it was palm side up before dropping the stuffed animal there.

Imagining a young Dan running with a rough and tumble crowd even before he'd lost his parents somehow didn't surprise Phil. Even his brother had been a bit of a horrible menace as a child. It was easy for bigger, older boys to make you think they were cool and draw you in, and the fact that Dan had grown up in the worst parts of the streets made it make sense. Still, there was something else Phil felt like he needed to stay.

"You don't have to tell me you weren't there, Dan. I know you weren't. I think I would have recognized you. But it's important that you understand… I never would have blamed you. If it had been you, if I did recognize your face, if you had beaten me to a pulp...I wouldn't have blamed you.”

Dan tilted his head, narrowing his eyes and studying Phil for any kind of falsehood to his words, because surely he couldn't mean that. He couldn't mean that he'd completely forgive Dan for some of the terrible things he'd done in his past.

And yet, there was nothing but honesty in Phil's face and voice. His eyes held a little sadness, or sympathy, or nostalgia for a time long gone, but he truly meant everything he was saying. And that was just shocking to Dan. How anyone could be so gold hearted, to forgive even the worst of crimes done against them personally - Dan would never have believed it before he met Phil.

“You're quite something, aren't you," Dan murmured with a small shake of his head. He glanced down at the lion in his hand, thumbing over the small 'M' printed underneath it - and now assuming that it stood for Martyn Lester was just incredible. Dan's lips twitched. "My brother would be thrilled. He loved to imagine living in the castle - imagine his face if he knew he'd had an actual Royal toy."

Phil flushed at the compliment, ducking his head and reaching up to scratch the back of his neck awkwardly. He wouldn't say he was anything, really. He was just Phil, and he hadn't always been a good person. In fact, he was of the opinion he hadn't changed for the better until he'd faced off against a great thief who'd reminded him that it was the royals’ fault that bad things happened to good people in the kingdom.

Phil nudged Dan's shoulder as he spoke of his brother, lips twitching and face showing that twinge of guilt and pain that gave away just how much he hurt speaking of them. Yet there was a bit of happiness there too as Phil wrapped an arm around Dan's shoulder. He couldn't imagine what it was like to lose his family at so young an age. He could understand how not speaking of them could be the best way to cope. Phil liked that Dan could open up to him, though.

“I shouldn't have been out that day,” Phil added. “I shouldn't have been carrying so much gold. I shouldn't have been flaunting myself the way I was. Maybe it's hard to believe, but I was so cocky. I'd snuck out of the castle for the first time on my own, I was traversing the streets feeling on top of the world and like no one could touch me, and I'd called those boys out for robbing another kid, acting as though I knew more than I did. It was my fault I got beaten up, and honestly, I think I needed to be knocked down a peg," he explained, grinning.

He remembered that day like it was yesterday.

"It even felt just that I'd lost my lion. I was prideful, even more so then. I thought I was better than everyone. I deserved what I got."

Dan frowned at Phil at that. "But, Phil - I don't ever want to think of you hurt. You didn't deserve it. Cocky or not." He smirked a little. "And believe me, I know just how arrogant you can be. No child deserves that kind of pain, though, and you were just a child. I did far worse, and never had such treatment."

Shaking his head, Phil couldn't agree with Dan. Perhaps he hadn't deserved it, but he'd brought the pain on himself, and it had only served to better him as a person, to help him grow up and make same changes to his character. If it weren't for those alleyway boys, Phil might never have met Dan at all, might be as cruel as those he claimed to fight against the same way some of his royal guardsmen were.

"I quite disagree, my thief. How many stab wounds do you have? I think it may be fair to say you've had just as bad a treatment growing up, and deserved it as little as I did," Phil murmured softly, thinking on the stories Dan had told and the wound under his shoulder blade he'd refused to talk about but which made him uncomfortable when Phil touched it.

Dan pursed his lip, conceding that Phil had a point when he compared Dan's stab wounds to his own upbringing. Dan would never say he hadn't had a hard life, because he absolutely had. He just meant that seeing Phil in pain was never ok, and Dan was going to make damn sure it never happened again. Dan couldn't help but smile a little. "Perhaps, Phil. Though I have to say - the idea of you sneaking out of the Castle is really quite adorable. Tiny Phil wanted to see the world, did he?"

Chuckling, Phil nodded his head, pulling Dan closer and resting his chin on top of his head. "Phil has always wanted to see the world. Phil had always wanted to be free," he murmured, and pressed a kiss to the top of Dan's head. "I think perhaps I was just waiting for you, though," he said and chuckled as Dan shoved him a bit, both men feeling quite playful. Phil meant it, though. Having Dan in his life felt like everything Phil had been waiting for.

"Soppy bastard," Dan huffed, though he was grinning. "You'll never turn me soft." His hands were gentle, though, as he reached up to cup Phil's face in his hands and turn him to face Dan, attention right where it should be.

Phil scoffed, rolling his eyes, but he was grinning so wide, because he most definitely had turned Dan soft. He just wasn't going to point that out yet if Dan wasn't willing to admit it. They both knew the truth as it was, and so Phil just grinned to himself, feeling his insides curl with affection.

"I would give you your freedom, Phil," Dan assured him. "If I could - I'd take you everywhere. All the parts of the world you've never seen, or even the parts you have would look different without a Royal escort. You should see them. You should have the chance, I mean, if you want it."

And, simply because he hadn't spent nearly enough time close to Phil yet today, Dan leaned forward to press a small kiss to the corner of Phil's lips.

Allowing Dan to turn him so they were face to face, Phil's grin softened until it just a small, sincere smile, sweet and softened by love. He took in Dan's alluring features, those eyes he'd grown so fond of, and leaned into him, knowing already he wanted all of that. He was going to make Dan take him everywhere. He was going to steal back his freedom, no matter how long it took.

The moment his family was safe.

Dan's lips pressed to the corner of Phil's, and he closed his eyes, breathing out softly. He leaned his forehead against Dan's, leaned his cheek into Dan's hand, and reached up to place his hand over Dan's.

"I do want it," Phil admitted. "And I'm going to take it. But first... I have a duty I must perform," he insisted, knowing and hating the fact that he would be the one to pop their bubble.

Dan sighed, though he'd known this moment was coming. As much as Dan might wish to stay here, in his cavern with Phil where no one could find them, and keep up their happy little world, he knew they had to move. Phil's family were in danger, which meant Phil might get hurt, and hadn't Dan just sworn to himself never to let that happen?

So, Dan pulled Phil in for one more lingering kiss before pulling back with a reluctant sigh. "You're right. Sadly. Come along then, my Prince."

#phan #phanfic #phanfiction #ineverhadmyinternetphase #snowbunnylester #fanfic #fanfiction #dan and phil #writing #fic #fics #steal my heart (steal my whole life too)#chaptered phan

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dreamxng-forever · 7 years ago

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1-96 sar

Oh Jesus Christ

(1) Do You Sleep With Your Closet Doors Open Or Closed?I don’t have a closet so???

(2) Do You Have Freckles?Not really

(3) Can You Whistle?Nope

(4) Last Song You Listened To.No More by Natewantstobattle

(5) What Is Your Favourite Colour?Purple

(6) Relationship Status.Married to fictional characters

(7) What Is The Temperature Right Now?70 degrees Fahrenheit

(8) Did You Wake Up Cranky?No. I never really wake up cranky just unable to make my legs work until I’ve been on my phone for at least 5 minutes.

(9) How Many Followers?107

(10) Zodiac Sign.Aries!

(11) What Is Your Eye Colour?Brown

(12) Take A Vitamin Daily? Haha nope only when I’m sick and eat vitamin c

(13) Do You Sing In The Shower? Sometimes? I mainly plot

(14) What Books Are You Reading?None currently. I need to finish The Stolen Throne though AND the Calling.

(15) Grab The Book Nearest To You, Turn To Page 64, Give Me Line 14.“The King summoned his whole court together, soldiers and everyone else who was there, and asked who had set his daughter at liberty, and killed the Giants?“ —Grimms Complete Fairytails.

(16) Favourite Anime?Magi: The Labryinth of Magic

(17) Last Person You Cried In Front Of? I’m pretty sure it was @krazykacie2000 even though they probably didn’t know I was crying.

(18) Do You Collect Anything?Not really

(19) What Did You Have For Lunch?A crappy turkey sandwich

(20) Do You Dance In The Car?If headbanging counts as dancing then yes. And sing really loudly when I’m alone.

(21) Favourite Animal?FUCK I CANT CHOOSE

(22) Do You Watch The Olympics?No

(23) What Time Do You Usually Go To Bed?11pm during the school year and 12-2am on holidays

(24) Are You Wearing Makeup Right Now?What the fuck is makeup

(25) Do You Prefer To Swim In A Pool Or The Ocean?Ocean gives me anxiety and sand gets everywhere so pool

(26) Favourite Tumblr Blog?@princetheirins cause they’re awesome? I love them a lot and their oc’s give me life (they are also a very talented writer)

(27) Bottled Water Or Tap Water?Bottled water

(28) What Makes You Happy?My friends, writing, and listening to my FAVORITE songs that make my hearts do little flips.

(29) Post A Gif Of What You’re Currently Feeling Right Now.I don’t not have the ability to post a gif at this moment but right now I am that gif of Obi-Wan Kenobi happily flying while the world burns around him.

(30) Do You Study Better With Or Without Music? I don’t study

(31) Dogs Or Cats?DOGGOS

(32) If You Were A Crayon What Colour Would You Be? Purple

(33) PlayStation Or Xbox.Most of the time Xbox

(34) Would You Swim In The Lake Or Ocean? Both?

(35) Do You Believe In Magic? Yes. And the supernatural. I just believe they’re on another domain from us? Or something like that. It’s hard for me to explain.

(36) What Colour Shirt Are You Wearing?Grey.

(37) Can You Curl Your Tongue? No

(38) Do You Save Money Or Spend It? I try to save but then something I desperately love comes and and just WHOOPS I suddenly got it.

(39) Is There Anything Pink Within 10 Feet Of You? YES MY STUFFED NUG (an animal from dragon age) THAT I GOT FOR MY BIRTHDAY

(40) Do You Have Any Obsessions Right Now? Ha…haha…ha…no? (Lies. I’m obsessed with motionless in white and I’m getting sucked back into jak and daxter. Also mass effect andromeda)

(41) Have You Ever Caught A Butterfly? No

(42) Are You Easily Influenced By Other People? Yes? I think so?

(43) Do You Have Strange Dreams? Oh dude hellz yeah my dreams go from fucking terrifying to silly to what the fuck is going on. Like the other night I had a dream that I was working in a museum or something? And everything fucking came to life and for some fucking reason Sheldon from Big Bang Theory was there and I asked him to keep an eye on the exhibits so I wasn’t loosing my fucking mind then suddenly I fucking became Harley and was with Joker? It was really really REALLY weird.

(44) Do You Like Going On Airplanes? I haven’t gone on them enough to really get an honest feel but I get minimal anxiety going on them just cause of the “what if“ factor. But i don’t mind going on them.

(45) Name One Movie That Made You Cry. Okay see you can’t do that to me cause I’m an emotional person and so many movies have made me cry okay.

(46) Peanuts Or Sunflower Seeds? Neither.

(47) If I Handed You A Concert Ticket Right Now, Who Would You Want The Performer To Be?MOTIONLESS IN WHITE

(48) Are You A Picky Eater? Fuck yeah my friends hate me for it

(49) Are You A Heavy Sleeper? Sometimes? It depends on how tired I am. But most of the time no.

(50) Do You Fear Thunder / Lightning? Yes. Okay yes I have a terrible fear of it and I’m sorry for my friends who have to deal with me crying and shaking whenever there’s thunder storms near me.

(51) Do You Like To Read / Write?I LOVE writing. It’s my passion. And if the story is interesting then I love reading.

(52) Do You Like Your Music Loud? *has volume on max constantly*

(53) Would You Rather Carve Pumpkins Or Wrap Presents? Pumpkins

(54) Put Your Music On Shuffle, What Is The First Song That Came Up?Oh guess what it’s my favorite song: Eternally Yours from Motionless in White

(55) What Season Are You In Right Now? (Weather)SUMMER

(56) What Are You Craving Right Now? I’m craving my ps2 games jak and daxter that I no longer have. I really want to play jak and daxter okay.

(57) Post A Screenshot Of Your Tumblr Feed.Do I have to?

(58) What Is Your Gender?Female

(59) Coffee Or Tea?Fucking neither

(60) Do You Have Any Homework Right Now? If So, What Is It About?I have homework for myself and it’s called WRITING and APPLYING FOR A JOB

(61) What Is Your Sexuality?Asexual panromantic at your service

(62) Do You Make Your Bed In The Morning?Fuck no

(63) Favourite Pokemon?Charmander

(64) Favourite Social Media?YouTube

(65) What’s Your Opinion On Instagram Stories?I mean I like watching them

(66) Do You Get Homesick?Sometimes? It’s not even for my home though it’s for my dog and video games most of the time

(67) Are You A Virgin?Yes and I will forever be a virgin (hopefully)

(68) What Shampoo And Conditioner Are You Using Right Now?Pantene Color Enhancer (or something like that? It keeps the color in my hair in longer)

(69) If You Were Far From Home And Needed To Sleep For The Night, Would You Choose To Rent A Crappy Motel Room For $60 Or Sleep In Your Car For Free?Fuck man the back seat of my car is fucking comfy I could live back there.

(70) Are Both Of Your Blood Parents Still In Your Life? Yes

(71) Whats The Next Movie You Want To See In Theaters? DARK TOWER

(72) Do You Miss Your Ex?HAHA yes. I miss him a lot. It’s a little pathetic

(73) What Is Your Favourite Quote Right Now?It’s between “you can always rinse the surface, but the stains will remain“ and “if you mean it, you’ll make it“

(74) What Eye Colour Do You Find Sexiest? Anything that’s like really vibrant.

(75) Did You Like Swinging As A Child? Do You Still Get Excited When You See A Swing Set? I still love swing sets are you kidding me

(76) What Was The Last Thing You Ate? An ice cream sandwich

(77) What Games Do You Have On Your Phone?I don’t have any games on my phone

(78) Would You Give A Homeless Person CPR If They Were Dying? Why Or Why Not?No cause I don’t know how to give cpr. But I’d ask someone for help.

(79) Been On The Computer For 5 Hours Straight? I’ve been on my Xbox for 5 hours straight

(80) Stalked Someone On A Social Network? Not really?

(81) Do You Like Meeting New People? I’m a very shy individual but sometimes I like getting to know a new person

(82) Do You Wear Rings? If You Do, Take A Picture Of Them.

I don’t really, just my purity ring that I don’t feel like taking a picture of right now.

(83) Do You Sleep With Your Bedroom Door Open Or Closed?Closed unless my dog is in my room. Then the door is cracked.

(84) What Are Three Things You Did Today? Played red dead redemption, updated a few of my boards on pintrest, and watched jak and daxter playthrough’s

(85) What Do You Wear To Bed? Mainly a shirt and undies

(86) List All Of Your Different Beauty Products You Have Right Now.What

(87) Are You A Day Or Night Person?Night mostly

(88) List All Of Your Video Games On Your Phone, Console Etc.Do you wanna be here for hours?

(89) Tell Me About A Dream That You Had And When It Happened.I had a dream last night that I was getting my “off to Neverland“ tattoo but it wasn’t working and the lady kept getting the size wrong so she had to stencil it like five hundred times

(90) Favourite Soda Drink?DP

(91) What Sounds Are Your Favourite?Waves

(92) Do You Wear Jeans Or Sweats More?I wear shorts. Shorts for dayz

(93) How Do You Look Right Now?Tired

(94) Name Something That Relaxes You.The song City Lights

(95) What Tattoo Do You Want?I want several. I want “Off to Neverland!“ with peter pans hat on the ‘O’ on my forearm, “wonder“ on my left wrist and “land“ on my right wrist, “I’m with ya till the end of the line“ on my left forearm with a star resembling Bucky’s metal arm, “if you mean it you’ll make it“ on my left wrist, and Eternally Yours on my right wrist. I also want a tattoo of The Iron Giant. Those are my only concerte ones but I know I’ll get more ideas from more of my favorite underrated movies

(96) Favourite YouTuber?Markiplier. 100% Markimoo. He makes me laugh.

#m'husband #my prince

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visambros · 8 years ago

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🔥 Gotta do this for yah, because your unpopular opinions are the best

lol oh boy! @fucktrain-sama I’m sorry that this is so long but wow I had a lot to say about this.

Unpopular opinion: Death Of The Author.

This may be considered cheating since there are a few content creators out there who also don’t like it. However, I get the distinct feeling that many people on Tumblr are not only okay with this theory, but actively use it to their advantage. Don’t like something in your favourite show? That’s okay! Just completely disregard subtext (or straight up text) and input your own interpretations that make you feel better!

Now, I’m not saying that I’ve never used my own life experiences or preferences to analyze media, and I’m not saying that the concept of the “death of the author” is inherently evil. But, well… let’s look at it this way:

Let’s say you want to write a story about aliens who take over the Earth and start eating humans. In this story, humanity is powerless to stop the aliens from eating them. Every day, people are rounded up, put into cages, and spend their whole lives waiting to die and become an alien’s meal. The only ones lucky enough to avoid this fate are the humans who become pets for the aliens. This is the basic gist of your story.

Now, let’s say you had no political message to this story. You wrote it because you thought the concept of humanity being turned into food was interesting, or maybe you have a cannibalism fetish (hey I won’t kinkshame). Either way, you made this story because it interested you and you hoped that other people will be interested too.

So you publish the story, it gets popular… and people start accusing you of being vegan elitist. They say your story is about the meat industry and that you’re shaming people who don’t have a strictly plant-based diet. But it’s okay, because you also have fans… who like that you’re speaking out against animal cruelty through your story. They praise you for not supporting the consumption of innocent animals who are forced to live in cramp and unclean spaces until they die. Readers analyze the aliens as Big Corporations who don’t care for the suffering of others, and blah blah blah.

Maybe you’re flattered that people are putting so much thought into your story, or maybe you’re angry that people hate you and call you names because they assume you’re trying to push some agenda. Regardless, you tell them the truth. No, you’re not a vegan (or if you are, your story had nothing to do with your eating habits). No, there is no deep symbolism or double meaning to the aliens or humans. You just thought your book idea was cool/you were indulging a fetish, and that’s why you wrote it.

And do you know what your readers say after you correct them? They tell you that you’re wrong! You, the person who wrote the book, are wrong. The story is really about the food corporation and the evils of meat eating and You. Are. Wrong.

So you get angry, because of course you do. They’re not the ones who spent months- or even years- working on the book. They’re not who skipped out on parties or stayed up late at night to make sure the characters sounded natural and the grammar was perfect and the plot was solid. You’re the one who made the effort. You’re the one who came up with the goddamn idea in the first place! You know more than them about your own stupid story!

So you express your anger. You tell them that THEY’RE wrong, not YOU. And you know what? They say that you’re a control freak. They tell you that you don’t want your fans to have creative freedom with the source material. They tell you that “the author is dead” and they have the right to interpret your characters, your story, your blood and sweat and tears, in whatever way they want.

This is what I don’t like about the Death Of The Author.

Multiple times on Tumblr I have seen posts that say something along the lines of; “It is important to tell your story. It doesn’t matter if the plot has been done before. You have something important to say and no one else can say it. Your voice matters”. And that’s a great sentiment to have. But when people are so willing to completely disregard a creator’s original intentions to fit their own preferred narrative, it doesn’t make that sentiment seem realistic or worth anything.

Your character’s personality means nothing when people take advantage of the Death Of The Author. “This character is very complex, and although they have both good and bad qualities, they are ultimately a good person”. “No, not only is this character one-dimensional, they’re also 100% evil and if you think they have don’t flaws then you’re wrong”.

Your character’s sexuality means nothing when people take advantage of the Death Of The Author. “This character is straight”. “No, they’re gay”. “This character is gay”. “No, they’re bisexual”. “This character is bi”. “No, they’re asexual”. “This character is ace”. “No, they’re straight”.

Your plot means nothing when people take advantage of the Death Of The Author. “In this world, there are many grey areas, and though no one is 100% good or bad, there are characters who are light grey and characters who are dark grey”. “No, the characters I like are good and the characters I dislike are bad. And since everyone has grey morals, it doesn’t matter whether it’s light or dark grey”.

And if you don’t like it when people take advantage of the Death Of The Author, then there’s something wrong with you as a creator. You’re the problem, not the people who twist your work and turn it into something completely different. You’re a control freak, you’re a suppressor of creative freedom, you’re wrong wrong wrong.

This is what I don’t like about the Death Of The Author.

When fandoms and academic journals and English classrooms support this, it makes it hard to see why your voice even matters. How can you convince people that they have something important to say when their words will be chopped up and mixed around until it’s something unrecognizable? Why put richness and complexity into your stories when it’s just going to be watered down? Why not just make stories where everyone is flat and the world is paper thin, and just make the fans fill in the blanks since they’re just going to do that anyways? How can you convince someone that their stories are needed in the world, when this is the fate they’ll ultimately have? “Sure, write what you want, but we’re going to put your work in a blender and scoop out the good chunks when we’re done, and you can’t get mad at us or you’re dumb”.

Before I end this, I want to make it VERY CLEAR that I’m not against fanfiction or fan works of any kind. I’ve written fanfics before, some of which have gone against the established canon. I am also not against coming up with your own theories when plot elements aren’t clear. My unpopular opinion isn’t that you should never change canon for your own amusement. I’m not saying that you can’t, for example, take two straight characters and draw fan art of them dating because you think they’d be cute together.

What I am saying is that, when a content creator of a cartoon or comic or TV show says “X is canon”, and people go “No Y is canon not X”, that sucks. It sucks for the content creators, it sucks for people who want to be content creators someday, and it sucks for people who get harassed for following canon because the fan interpretation is more accepted.

It just sucks to put your heart and soul into something only to be told that you are incorrect, and it sucks to be told that there’s something wrong with you if you refuse to accept that.

#ask #fucktrain-sama #unpopular opinion #death of the author #long post

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arya3601 · 8 years ago

Text

Don’t Get Me Started

Based off of a tumblr post: The idea is that one person gives the other a word, and they have to go on angry rant about whatever it is.

What happens when Dean asks Cas to go on a rant about Dean?

Read it on AO3!

Castiel, despite what many people thought, did not dislike parties. He didn’t necessarily like parties all that much, but he didn’t harbor any unnatural hatred towards them. He would just rather stay on the fringes, where he wasn’t expected to dance or shout to be heard over everyone else shouting to be heard.

Which is why he was sitting on a little brick ledge in front of an electric fireplace that was thankfully off, observing the crowd. He had a plastic cup full of some kind of beer, or punch, or something, but he wasn’t drinking it. He wrinkled his nose in sympathy and disgust as someone ran off to the bathroom, probably to puke up all the alcohol they had drank.

“Hey, Cas, how’s it going!” Charlie shouted, red hair swinging as she happily plopped down next to him. Her cheeks were pink, from dancing and drinking, but she looked happy.

“Hello, Charlie.” Castiel said loudly, smiling at her. “You look like you’re having fun!”

“I am!” She gave him a grin and punched his arm. “You could, too, if you’d actually do something.”

“I’m doing something,” Castiel rolled his eyes, knowing she was just teasing. “But you know I don’t like to dance.”

Charlie feigned thoughtfulness. “Hmm… maybe… if you’d get a little alcohol in you, you’ll feel better about that. Let me grab you a cup.” She stood up an inch before pointing overdramatically to Cas’ cup, “Oh, wait, you already have one!”

Castiel chuckled to himself as she continued her charade.

She sat back down and gasped, holding a hand to her heart. “But, Castiel! That cup looks so full! It’s almost as if… You aren’t drinking any!”

“You and I both know I only hold a cup so that no one can guilt me into drinking.” Cas rolled his eyes, smiling fondly.

Charlie laughed. “I know, I know. You know I don’t have a problem with you not drinking.” She leaned close and lowered her voice. “Best part? Permanent designated driver.” She winked, a little sloppily due to the alcohol and laughed as she sat back again.

Castiel chuckled at her. “Shouldn’t you be dancing? I thought there was a cute blonde whose number you wanted to get.”

Charlie nodded, but held up a finger. “Yes, but you must know, my young grasshopper,” she leaned in again, acting like she was about to impart sacred knowledge, “puking is not sexy.”

“Oh.” Castiel deadpanned. “I always thought it was my rampant asexuality that made me see puking as unattractive, but I see now my mistake.”

Charlie sniggered and hit his arm again. “There you go!”

“Puking isn’t sexy as in she puked and you’re no longer interested or as in you puked and she is no longer interested?”

Charlie shook her head. “No, no, neither one. Puking isn’t sexy as in I’m going to sit down for a minute so my punch-filled stomach has a chance to settle before I go in for the kill.”

Castiel snorted at her wording, but let it go. “I thought you were just yelling at me to do something?”

“Oh, I was. And I still am.” She grinned wickedly. “Let’s play a game!”

Castiel hesitated. “What game?”

“It’s this game I saw on tumblr called ‘don’t get me started’.” She absentmindedly started braiding a section of her hair. “We give each other topics and we have to go on angry rants about whatever the topic is.” She grinned at him, releasing her hair. “It’ll be fun!”

“Sounds relatively harmless. It could be fun.” Cas admitted.

“Alright!! You go first, your topic is,” She looked around the room, trying to find a subject. Her eyes landed on a couple grinding in the middle of the room. “Sex.”

“Sex.” Cas repeated.

“Yes. Sex.” She gestured for him to begin.

“Um…” He blew out a breath. “Sex is… Charlie, you know I’m ace. And have never had sex before.”

“Yes, I know, that’s why it’s fun! Come on, you can think of something!”

“Uh… Sex is just the worst. All those… bodily fluids… and… smells. I don’t even like picking up my own sweaty clothes from my floor, I can’t imagine being pressed up next to someone sweating like crazy would feel at all nice. And what if they had bad breath? Kissing would be horrendous.” Cas shrugged with a laugh, giving up. “I have no experience here, Charlie. I do imagine sex sounds a lot like someone stirring potato salad, though, which,” he wrinkled his nose. “Sounds incredibly unappealing.”

Charlie just burst into giggles. “Okay, okay, I should have given you a different thing. What do you have for me?”

Castiel looked around, settling on fireplace next to them. “Fireplaces?” She snorted but started ranting. “Fireplaces are bullshit! Like, the whole point is to get warm while saving electricity but now they’re all electric and cost more to run than they’re worth! And they’re all encased in glass, too, like what the hell?? I wanted s’mores, damn it!” She started waving her hands around, really getting into it. “The fake logs don’t look real, the fake flames don’t look real, why not just get blanket or a heating system, for Merlin’s sake!” She swept her hand out, hitting someone in the stomach as they were walking by. “Oh, shit!” They guy bent over, winded.

Castiel burst into laughter at her face, setting his drink down to put his hand on the guy’s shoulder. “Are you okay?”

He stood up, wincing and rubbing at his stomach. “Yeah, just minor internal bleeding. God, Charles, if you wanted a guy’s attention how ‘bout you just say his name next time?”

Charlie laughed and pulled him down to sit with them. “Sorry, Dean! We were playing a game and I got a little too into it. Have you met Cas before?”

Castiel smiled politely and nodded at him. “Yes, we have a few classes together.”

Castiel blushed, hoping no one would notice. He was underselling it. Yes, they had a few classes together, but Castiel had been harboring a bit of a crush on Dean for a long while. At first it was just passing glances, admiring his leather jacket or his hair (Dean’s hair always looked really soft). Then he had noticed that Dean did really well in the classes they shared, and saw him helping out the kids that weren’t as quick to understand. Cas couldn’t help but admire his intelligence and compassion, and it made his heart melt a bit every time Dean smiled when he was able to help someone get a good grade on a test.

Cas hadn’t had a “sudden revelation” of sexual attraction, he was still ace, but that wasn’t what this was. He didn’t really want to have sex with Dean. He might be a little curious, sure, but it was more about closeness. He wanted to cuddle with Dean on the couch while watching dumb movies and laughing about bad science. He wanted to laugh at Dean’s bed head in the morning and tease him for horrible morning breath. He wanted Dean to hold his hand and kiss his forehead, and he wanted to kiss the freckle that was right on the tip of Dean’s nose. He wanted Dean to tease him about their one-inch height difference until he huffed with anger and Dean calmed him down with a soft voice and gummy smile.

He was lonely. But that wasn’t new. He wasn’t going to push his feelings onto Dean, that wouldn’t be fair to other man.

“It’s nice to see you, Dean.” Cas saw Charlie narrowing her eyes but ignored it.

Dean smiled at him. “Hey, Cas. That test yesterday was a bitch, wasn’t it?”

Cas grimaced, shaking his head. “I feel like it wasn’t my best. How are you?”

“I’m alright. I somehow pulled the short straw, so I’m designated driver tonight.” He spread his hands to show the lack of drink. “I’ve been hitting the snacks, though. Those pretzels are really good.” He rubbed the back of his neck before adding, “I didn’t know you’d be here tonight; I would’ve found you earlier.”

Cas smiled, feeling his face heat up and bending down to pick up his cup so he had something to do with his hands. “That would’ve been nice.” He cleared his throat. “Charlie’s been fairly entertaining, though.”

Dean chuckled. “Yeah, what game were you guys playing? I feel like I deserve to know what ruptured my spleen.”

Charlie rolled her eyes, looking far too entertained by their exchange. “I may be the Queen, but I’m not that strong, you big baby. The game is called ‘don’t get me started’. We give each other a word and the other person has to go on an angry rant about it. It’s just to pass the time, we aren’t scoring them or anything. But if we were I’d totally be winning.” She flipped her hair sassily before laughing at herself. “You wanna play?” She looked a little too excited.

Cas narrowed his eyes at her, frowning a little in response to her widening her eyes innocently. He turned to Dean, softening his scowl to a slight smile. “You’re welcome to join us, if you’d like.”

Dean smiled back. “Yeah, I’ll play. Sounds like it could be fun. Who’s giving me my word?”

Charlie smirked. “Cas, why don’t you do it?” She said, oozing innocence.

Cas gave her a suspicious look, but didn’t want to call it out in front of Dean. “…okay,” he glanced around again, trying to find something. He hummed to himself. “How about Christmas lights?” He gestured to the lights strung around the top of the room.

Dean laughed and thought for a moment. “Okay, Christmas lights. They’re the worst, aren’t they? You put them up, expecting nice lights, and you just get a broken bulb every three feet and a tangle of cords you’ll never be able to straighten out. They’re not worth the effort and it pisses me off. How are you supposed to hang them on the wall, with tape? You have to stick up hooks or some shit, which is more effort. It’s bullshit.”

Charlie clapped for his attempt. “Good job! Well, as much as I hate to leave you two hanging,” Castiel saw the glint in her eye that showed she did not hate it, “I have a hot blonde I want to make out with. Later, bitches.” She gave them the Vulcan salute and walked across the room.

Castiel laughed under his breath at her bluntness before blushing as he felt Dean scoot closer to him on the ledge.

“So, uh,” Cas coughed, rolling his cup between his hands. “I guess it’s my turn?”

Dean smiled, “Before we keep going, can I ask you a question?” Cas’ chest tightened with nerves. “Yes,” he answered hesitantly.

“Why do you have a drink? I haven’t seen you take a single sip this entire time.”

Castiel questioned his use of “the entire time”, wondering if maybe Dean had been watching him before approaching. He shook his head, chuckling a little at his own thoughts. “I always hold a drink at parties.” He glanced up from where he was still playing with the cup and quirked smiled at Dean. “I don’t drink alcohol, usually. If my hands are empty, people try to be polite and offer me a drink, and I feel bad for turning them down or not drinking it.” He shrugged, a little embarrassed. “Also, it’s just something to do with my hands, I tend to get a little fidgety when I’m nervous.”

Dean hummed in understanding, and Cas looked away before he let himself believe that the look in Dean’s eyes was anything but amusement. Before he could let himself believe it was what he wanted to see, soft with fondness.

“So, what’s my word?” Castiel rubbed his arm, looking at his shoes, and being careful not to spill his drink.

“Me.”

Castiel whipped his head up. “What?” He breathed.

Dean leaned in, his voice soft. “Me. I want to see what you think about me.”

Cas stared into Dean’s eyes. Was that… was Dean nervous? Cas glanced into his drink. “Okay, one angry rant about Dean Winchester coming right up.” He tried to joke. His voice sounded too tense for it to really work. He took a deep breath. “You’re too intelligent. Every subject I have to study for you seem to ace with no problem. You can do math in your head I need a calculator for and can recite passages of Vonnegut from memory. Also, you’re too compassionate. Helping other people even though you don’t have to, even though you can use that time for other things. And you’re too nice.” Cas saw ripples in his drink. Was he shaking? “Everyone knows to come to you when they need help or tutoring or anything and you’ll help them. No questions asked. They all look up to you. Everyone wants to be friends with you.”

Dean lifted Cas’ cup out of his hands before it spilled all over the floor.

Cas’ voice quieted, hoping that Dean wouldn’t hear. Hoping that he would. Hoping that he wasn’t ruining everything. “Your hair always looks so soft and it pisses me off because I can’t pay attention to the teacher. Your leather jacket always looks really warm and it distracts me because I want to know how long the sleeves would be on me, if they’d cover my fingers. It distracts me because I wonder if it smells like you. Which,” he breathed out a laugh that wasn’t really a laugh. “You smell too good and it annoys me because I can’t place what it is.”

He felt Dean’s hand on his cheek and looked up cautiously. Dean looked like Cas had been afraid to hope he would. His smile was soft and his eyes were full of fondness. “It’s my turn. Can I do you?” Dean asked, quiet as his thumb slowly moved back and forth on Cas’ cheekbone.

Cas closed his eyes and took a deep breath before nodding. He leaned into the hand on his face, hoping it would stay. Afraid that Dean was about to tell him “You’re a nice guy, dude, but…”

“You’re too calm.”

Castiel flinched.

“Anyone can come up to you and tell you any problem they have and you’ll stay calm. You calm them down and you solve the problem together.” Dean chuckled. “Remember when Anna broke her heel off of her shoe and you calmed her down and gave her your gym shoes to wear? She was so grateful.”

Dean’s hand was still on his face. Castiel slowly opened his eyes to look at Dean.

Dean smiled and continued. “You’re too accepting. So many people have been afraid to come out to their friends or families, but everyone knows you’re safe. Everyone knows you don’t judge, you don’t question, you just quietly thank them for telling you and wish them luck. You’re too protective. You glare at anyone that looks at your friends wrong and you don’t let anyone mess with those you’ve accepted into your circle. You got in a fight the second day of school protecting a freshman from some juniors. Do you remember?”

Castiel nodded again.

“That was my little brother, Sammy. You didn’t know, you didn’t even ask who he was. You just protected him, no questions asked.” Dean sighed, soft smile still in place. “Your hair is always so ruffled and it makes me mad as hell because I’m not allowed to run my hands through it. Your eyes are always so blue and focused and it drives me insane because I want you to look at me all the time.” Dean leaned forward and rested his forehead against Cas’, whispering, “You’re asexual and not afraid of people knowing and it drives me insane because I love sex. But I can imagine myself never having sex again, as long as I’m with you the entire time.”

Castiel and Dean looked into each other’s eyes, foreheads touching, Dean’s thumb still slowly stroking Cas’ face.

“Cas?”

“Yes, Dean?” Cas sounded breathless, but he couldn’t get himself to care.

“Would it be okay if I kissed you right now?”

“That”, Castiel murmured, “would be perfectly okay.”

Dean brought his other hand up to cradle Cas’ jaw and Castiel closed his eyes as Dean tilted his head. Their lips met. Dean tasted like cinnamon and pretzels. Castiel could smell Dean’s scent, closer than he ever had before, and he realized that somewhere in the mix he smelled apple pie.

They broke the kiss, but kept their foreheads together. Eyes opened slowly, and dumb little smiles came across both faces.

“I’ve been wanting to do that for a while now.” Dean confided, both thumbs now slowly brushing Cas’ cheeks.

“Me, too.” Cas replied softly. He brought his hands up to hold Dean’s wrists, his thumbs lightly rubbing where the sleeves of Dean’s leather jacket ended.

“We should talk about this.” Dean sighed. “We should figure out shit. But I really just want to stay like this for right now.”

Cas hummed an affirmative. “We can talk later.” He shivered suddenly, glancing around at the unexpected chill.

Without their notice, the party had wound down. Everyone was passed out on the floor or gone, and someone had left the patio door open. The cold night wind was breezing in, bringing goosebumps to Cas’ arms. He sighed, mentally berating himself for only wearing a t-shirt.

“Hey, Cas?” Dean’s voice sounded amused, and his eyes were crinkled at the corners. “Want to conduct an experiment?”

Castiel would have tilted his head in confusion if it wasn’t still being held in place by Dean (not that he was complaining). Instead he opted for narrowing his eyes. “What experiment?”

Dean dropped his hands and Castiel reluctantly released his wrists. Cas’ eyes widened as Dean slipped off his leather jacket and held it out to the dark-haired man.

“Do you think the sleeves will cover your fingers?” Dean grinned.

Castiel laughed through his blush as he reached out and carefully held the leather. “Are you sure?” Cas asked. “Everyone knows this is yours, they’ll think we’re together if they see me wearing it.”

Dean chuckled and kissed Castiel on the cheek. “They won’t think we’re together. They’ll know we’re together. If you’re okay with it, I want them to.” He winked at Cas.

Castiel gave Dean a full-blown, gummy smile. “I want them to, as well.” He slid the leather jacket around his shoulders and sighed at the warm leather. It smelled like Dean, and he already loved wearing it.

Dean suddenly threw back his head in laughter.

“What?” Cas asked, smiling.

Dean just shook his head, still chuckling. He pointed to Cas’ hands. Or, he pointed to where Cas’ hands would have been.

The jacket did cover his fingers after all.

#my writing #fanfiction #destiel #fluff #whelvenwings #asexual!Cas #because that is my JAM #written in like four hours on very little sleep #I tried to make it #cute

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fortheloveofpearlet · 8 years ago

Text

Visions of Summer - Manila x Jinkx [Part One]

A/N - I was struggling really bad with writers block when working on the Wild Flowers sequel and this idea manifested itself and helped me take a break from that! I started posting this on AQ but thought I’d post here too in case anyone is interested!

I don’t reference it in the fic but in my head this is set in the mid 1990’s. Based on the song ‘In This Diary’ by the Ataris (lyrics can be found throughout fic) also influenced by a few other songs. There is also quite a bit of Pearlet in this!

T/W - drugs, alcohol, bad language and my own take on the AAA girls! Told from Jink'x POV. Part 1 of 4.

Here in this diary,

I write you visions of my summer.

It was the best I ever had.

There were choruses and sing-alongs,

And that unspoken feeling of knowing

That right now is all that matters.

I expected the summer of my sixteenth year to be much the same as all the rest. I'd hang out with my friends, smoke weed and go to parties I didn't very much want to go to; just like always. That summer wasn't supposed to bring anything out of the ordinary, sure my life wasn't great but it wasn't terrible either and I'd gotten used to the way things were. Nothing exciting ever happened in my life, and I was just fine with that. But that summer there was a new kid in town and he threatened to change my world as I knew it. Nothing would ever be the same again after I met him. The summer of my sixteenth year, everything changed. And I'm still trying to pick up all the pieces left behind in his wake.

Part One - 16

All the nights we stayed up talking

And listening to 80's songs;

Quoting lines from all those movies that we love.

It still brings a smile to my face.

I guess when it comes down to it...

His eyes were covered in sunglasses when they first met mine. It was the summer of my sixteenth year, down at Colman Pool with my friends like every summer on record in Seattle. It's where everyone hung out and caught some sun or like me and my friends, got blazed. He was sat on the opposite side of the pool, the tanned skin of his chest exposed and glistening with a slight sheen of sweat. He ran his fingers through his hair which was dark with a single streak of blonde and his lip turned up a little at the corner as he looked at me. At least I thought he was looking at me. But I'm not the sort of guy that tends to catch people's eyes. Comparatively to my friends, I was the plain looking one. Ben had these gorgeous blue eyes that made men go weak at the knees; Jason had this incredibly sexy pout he threw out when he liked the look of someone that would make you immediately picture him sucking your dick and his boyfriend Matt was so in your face gorgeous that I swear half of the population of Seattle swooned for him. But me, I was just plain old boring Jinkx.

Jinkx was a nickname Matt had coined a few years ago and at first I hated it but I've sort of gotten used to it now and maybe I'd even go as far to say I like it. I don't like the reasoning behind it but I like the name. But honestly it is pretty fitting for me, I am the biggest jinx you'll ever meet. It had all started one day a few summers back at this very pool. We'd been having a surprisingly sunny summer for Seattle and we'd been discussing this when I'd said, 'I'm sure it's only a matter of time before it rains.' And sure enough within an hour the heavens had opened and it rained pretty much non-stop for the rest of the summer.

The nickname didn't quite stick yet. Matt had called me a jinx but that just seemed like a one off. But over the next few months it seemed to happen more and more. One day in class Jason and Matt had been moaning about their mountain of homework and how the hell were they meant to fit that around their sex schedule and I leant over and whispered, 'don't worry Mr Haylock never gives homework.' And sure enough he did. Then there was the school football game Ben had dragged us to because he had a crush on the quarter back. Our school was notorious for never losing a game but for some reason we weren't playing so well. And I stupidly uttered the words, 'come on, as if we're going to lose.' But of course we did, bringing our long reining winning streak to an end. After that they'd all started calling me Jinkx. I'm the guy you would never want to hear say, break a leg, because you no doubt would. It was like some sort of magic spell. I always had to choose my words very carefully.

I didn't realise I'd been staring at the man across the pool until Matt hit me in the arm, startling me.

'Dude.' He said as I turned to look at him in confusion. 'Here.' He held the blunt out for me and I had to blink a couple of times to get my brain to work. I shook my head and took the blunt from his hand.

'I don't think he needs any.' Jason chuckled pulling Matt back down between his legs on their shared sun lounger and wrapping his arms around his waist protectively. They had to be this way otherwise they would be constantly thwarting off men and women who wanted to sleep with one or both of them.

'Shut up.' I told Jason with a roll of my eyes and settled back into my own lounger with the blunt dangling between my fingers. My eyes trailed back across the pool only to find an empty sun lounger that had only seconds ago been filled with that boy.

'Who were you looking at?' Ben asked me from the sun lounger on the other side of me.

'No one.' I scoffed like the idea of me looking at someone was completely ridiculous, which it sort of was. It wasn't that I didn't find guys attractive I just guess I've never been quite as sexual as my friends. Ben has a new guy on his hook every week and Jason and Matt are constantly at it like fucking rabbits. They'd pretty much all but decided I was asexual. Sometimes I thought I was too. It was a very rare occasion for me to look at someone and think, yeah, them. I wasn't the kind of guy that got stopped in my tracks when I saw an attractive man. Of course I could appreciate when someone was attractive but not in the way that I wanted to jump their bones. I didn't get the whole weak at the knees, sweaty palms and racing pulse my friends talked about. But seeing that guy across the pool, that was probably the closest I'd ever come. I don't think it's ever been about sex, for me it's more about feelings, or the lack there of. My mother walked out on me when I was ten and I just shut down. I don't like to let feelings and emotions rule my life. I won't let someone get close to me and open myself up to loving them when they could just leave like she did. And to me, I didn't see the point in random hook ups and one night stands because without feelings isn't it all just a bit meaningless? So I just don't bother. I don't mind being this way, I'm not happy but I'd say I was at least content.

------------------------------------

We spent the rest of the day smoking by the pool until it closed. We piled back in Matt's car, he was the best at driving stoned and one by one he dropped us off home.

I was second to get dropped off after Ben and I assumed that since we'd passed Jason's house he was going back to Matt's. He pulled up at the curb outside my house and turned in the seat.

'I'll be back around nine.' He told me. I blinked a few times.

'Why?'

'Jesus how baked are you Jinkx?' He laughed. 'Robbie's party?'

How had I forgotten that? I nodded although I didn't really feel like going, I wasn't a big drinker but hopefully I'd be allowed to sit in a corner and get stoned.

'Sure, see you then.'

'Later’s Jinkx.' Jason blew me a kiss in the rear view mirror and I jumped out the back. I'd barely shut the door behind me before Matt peeled away.

The house was dark and my dad was snoring away on the couch when I got in. I sighed and decided better of waking him up so I headed straight for my room. It had been six years but sometimes you'd think my mom had walked out yesterday. My dad didn't do a whole lot of anything these days. He mostly drank and cried until he couldn't keep his eyes open anymore. Roll on college when I could leave this all behind me for good.

It was nine thirty by the time Matt finally picked me up. I'd been waiting out on the curb since eight fifty smoking. I pushed myself up and jumped in the backseat. The music was blaring, Matt was smoking a blunt out the window and Jason smoked a cigarette.

'Please let me take you shopping.' Jason rolled his eyes taking in my outfit, black leggings, a black baggy top, boots and a trilby. I'd lost count of how many times I'd heard him say that to me. And my answer was always the same.

'No fucking way. I love you but your clothes makes my eyes hurt.'

'Because they aren't all black.' Matt chuckled as he pulled away.

'Exactly.' I rolled down the back window and continued dragging on my own blunt.

'This is fashion darling.' Jason said in an over exaggerated voice.

'The day I let you dress me is the day hell freezes over.'

'You just don't understand fashion.' Jason scoffed flicking his cigarette butt to the street.

'Clearly. You look like a fucking Christmas decoration half the time. Or some gawdy tchotchke.'

'I do not!' Jason gasped.

'He's just eccentric.' Matt spoke up on his boyfriends behalf.

'Thank you baby.' Jason smiled and leant over to kiss Matt's cheek.

'You're welcome pumpkin.'

I rolled my eyes. I gave up with these two sometimes.

We picked Ben up and made it to Robbie's little after ten. Robbie's parties were a tradition, the first week of summer for the past three years. When we were younger it wasn't so much booze and weed as it was board games and TV. It had started as just our group of friends but somehow kids at school had started to catch wind of it and it started becoming a little out of control. Robbie didn't mind, it made him more popular which he so sorely needed and we'd kind of become more popular by association although I'd rather fly under the radar as much as possible.

Matt let us in the house and we were hit by a wave of music, weed and chatter. I trailed behind them as they made their way through the masses of people, some of whom I didn't even recognise, as they searched for Robbie. We found him in the kitchen, no surprise there, it was where he spent most of his time at his party so he always had a constant supply of booze.

'You made it!' He beamed at us as we entered the room, as if we wouldn't be here, this was probably the coolest event of the summer; at least that's what Jason always said.

'Robbie darling.' Jason threw himself into our friend’s arms and hugged him tightly.

'Looking fabulous as ever Jay.' Robbie told him.

Matt gave him a sort of half wave as did I and Ben gave him a hug. I noticed Robbie eyeing up my outfit, he was almost as bad as Jason.

'Good to see you made an effort for my party Jinkx.' He laughed a little as did Jason. I rolled my eyes, I'd never really liked Robbie that much, he was Jason's friend really.

'He wore a hat!' Matt backed me up a little. Like myself Matt wasn't concerned with fashion but I always seemed to be the one that got called on it and not him.

'Wow really pushing the boat out.' Robbie laughed again. 'You really should let me and Jay take you shopping.' He turned his back on us now and went about fixing us some drinks. I clenched my jaw.

'That'll be a very cold day in hell.' I muttered under my breath.

'Don't listen to them.' Matt came to my side and patted me on the back. 'I love Jason but he is a fashion snob. I've lost count of the amount of times he's tried to play dress up with me.'

I smiled a little in thanks just as Robbie was handing out some kind of alcoholic beverages to Jason and Ben. He handed one to Matt and sceptically went to hand me one but I shook my head.

'I'm good.' I told him pulling a blunt from my pocket. Robbie rolled his eyes and decided to drink my drink instead.

'You're not all there Jinkx.' He laughed to himself. I lit my blunt but I felt some kind of feeling pulsing through my veins and it wasn't a good one. It always worried me when I started feeling something and once I did it was hard to control it.

'Just because I don't want to drink, I dress all in black and I don't want to fuck every man with a pulse that makes me weird?' I found myself saying. 'I like being androgynous. I like being asexual if this is what this is. Maybe that makes me some kind of freak, who knows? I am Jinkx and I am fucking weird and I don't fucking care what you think of me Robbie.' I raised my hands in frustration, forgetting the blunt until I heard someone groan in pain and shout profanities. I spun around to see my victim holding his cheek where my blunt had come into contact with his face. He looked at me through his brown eyes and even though they had been covered by sunglasses the last time I'd seen him, I somehow recognised them.

'Oh my god I am so sorry!' I cradled the blunt in my lips and grabbed his face. Somehow in doing that I managed to trip a little on my own foot and I sent us both crashing down to the floor. He groaned as I landed on top of him. I heard laughter explode from my friends. I pushed myself up off the guy, worried I was blushing and smiled in apology at him.

'I'm so sorry, let me help you.' I held my hands out for him but he shook his head.

'No offence but I'm a little scared to let you help me.' He pushed himself up from the floor on his own and I stepped back a little really feeling like I must be blushing now.

'God Jinkx you are such a jinx.' Robbie laughed. 'Here let me get you some ice for that burn.' He turned his attention to the man I'd injured. The man looked at me briefly with a half-smile before walking passed me to Robbie. I groaned a little, feeling like the world’s biggest idiot.

'Isn't that the guy from the pool?' Ben sidled up to me and whispered. I re lit my blunt which had gone out somewhere in the confusion and shrugged.

'What guy from the pool?' I tried my best to pretend I had no idea what he was talking about.

'The one you were staring at.' Ben chuckled.

'I wasn't staring at anyone.'

'Yeah yeah.' Ben rolled his eyes. 'Maybe Jinkx isn't as asexual as we thought.' I heard him tell Jason. I dragged on my blunt trying to ignore the fact my friends were now gossiping about me. My eyes flitted over to the guy who was now holding an ice pack to his cheek while Robbie fawned over him. Admittedly he was just as about the most perfect thing I had ever laid eyes on. His eyes flicked away from Robbie just then and landed on me. I was staring at him. I couldn't tear my eyes away. His lip turned up at the corner in that same smile he'd given me at the pool. And a strange thing happened. I felt my knees going weak. I felt my palms start to sweat. And I felt my pulse race. That had literally never happened to me before. And I'd just burnt him and knocked him down. I didn't like it. I didn't want it. No one could make me feel like this. Trying to be subtle about it I turned on my heels and tried to sneak out of the room. I tried to creep out of the kitchen but I barely made it to the door before I was caught.

'Jinkx where you going?' Matt called and I wanted to curse at him but I refrained. I turned back around and tried to not look guilty.

'Just...you know...' I scratched the back of my head, I wasn't the best at thinking on my feet. 'I don't know.' I confessed.

'Let’s go mingle.' Jason spoke up, sashaying towards the door. 'This outfit is made to be seen.'

I saw Matt smile to himself as he watched his boyfriend go. Sometimes I thought it might be nice to have someone look at me like that but I didn't want all the hassle that went along with it. Me, Ben and Matt followed him, leaving Robbie to tend to the poor man I had hurt. As we headed through the party Matt slung his arm around my shoulder.

'That was classic Jinkx.' He laughed, squeezing me a little. I dragged on the blunt before Matt stole it from my fingers and started dragging on it. 'That poor guy is probably going to regret ever meeting you.'

I scowled a little and wriggled out of Matt's hold. What I didn't realise then was that it wasn't that boy that was going to regret meeting me. It was me that was going to have the regret.

------------------------------------

I spent the rest of the night smoking and desperately trying to avoid the guy I'd injured. I guessed Robbie was doing a good job at keeping him occupied because I didn't see him again, like at the pool he had seemingly disappeared.

The night culminated in the four of us sharing a room with Jason and Matt calling shot gun on the bed and Ben and I on the floor. Sleep was an impossible feat however when you had Jason and Matt going at it less than a few feet away from you head. They really did have no shame. The bed creaked and the headboard smacked against the wall and I could hear them both panting and moaning. At the point Jason started muttering, 'harder Matt, harder!' I had to leave. I got up and left the room. I headed downstairs where most people were passed out on the floor or the couch or anywhere they had fallen. I slipped through the kitchen towards the back door. I swung the door open and as I did so I heard a pained groan and the sound of the door smacking into something. Or someone. The person stepped out from behind the door, blood spilling from his nose. Our eyes met once again and I swear I felt some kind of jolt right to my heart every time I found those eyes staring back at me.

'Oh my god I am so sorry!' I panicked. 'Let me grab some tissue.' I ran back into the kitchen and grabbed some tissues. When I turned around the guy was behind me holding his nose. I handed him the tissue and he held it under the streams of blood.

'I'm starting to think you don't like me very much.' His tone was jokey and he had a small smile on his lips.

'I really am so sorry. I am completely useless.' I stood awkwardly as he stared at me and the tissues soaked up his blood.

'It's ok, we all have bad days right?'

Every day is my bad day, I said in my head.

'Yeah I guess.' Is what I actually said out loud. I stood with him until the blood had stopped flowing. I wanted speak to him, to find out about him, even his name; but I couldn't find my words. Once he was cleaned up, I apologised again and feigned tiredness before heading back to the room. Thankfully Jason and Matt were now asleep. I crawled under the blanket I was using and closed my eyes. I pictured his face staring back at me. I was a little startled by that, that never happened to me. Weak at the knees. Sweaty palms. Pulse racing. Who the hell was this guy and why was he making me question everything I've ever known about myself?

------------------------------------

The next few weeks of the summer went much the same; hanging out by the pool during the day and going to various parties by night. I'd had several run ins with the guy who I burnt and gave a busted nose to and they all ended up pretty much the same, with me hurting him in some way. I was starting to think that somehow, subconsciously I was doing it deliberately. It was the first time I'd felt this way towards another person and I was starting to think that my brain was trying to stop me from feeling all those normal human emotions. I kind of appreciated it in a way, but in another way it was starting to get really fucking awkward. We never had so much a 'meet cute' more like a constant string of 'meet awkwards.'

------------------------------------

July was rolling into August and Jason and Matt had decided to have a beach party that night. We always planned to do this, but the unpredictability of Seattle weather meant it had never actually gotten around to happening.

There was a camp fire. Our friend Brian was playing an acoustic guitar. There was lots of blunts and bottles of alcohol being passed around. Typical teenager type stuff. I sat in the sand with Ben and Matt, Jason was dancing around to the sound of the guitar. Matt handed me his blunt which I gratefully took.

'I hear the Triple A girls and their crowd are meant to be coming.' Matt told me, his eyes sparkling a little. Despite the fact Matt was very much gay, he was very open about the fact he would fuck any of the Triple A's and their harem. They were the popular girls in the year above us and they got their name because apparently, and I don't know how much of this was true, their ring leader Willam's ex, captain of the football team had told her after the first time they had sex that she was an 'A++' and that somehow led to the Triple A's. Needless to say they weren't that bright. I came about as close to hating them as I had ever hated anyone but of course I wasn't capable of feeling such an emotion. They were all hair, tits and legs and they had about half a brain cell between them. Just as I was about to tell Matt what an idiot I thought he was for crushing on them, I heard the undeniable sound of girlish screeching in the distance and that could only mean one thing: the Triple A's had arrived. I looked towards the noise and just as I thought I saw them heading across the beach. Willam, Alaska, Courtney, Katya, Roxxxy and Naomi were heading our way giggling and screeching. I dragged really heavily on the blunt, feeling as though I was going to need it. Matt was eyeing them up, one of them in particular that took his fancy more than the rest. Matt has always had a particularly keen eye for Naomi, the tall and leggy caramel skinned beauty. I'm not sure if she realised Matt was gay or not but she always clung to him, laughed at all his dumb jokes and pouted her lips in his direction. I was sure they must have fucked but I never asked because I really didn't want to know. Matt jumped up just then and waved in the Triple A's direction. They all waved back, he was the only one of our friends who got that treatment from them. I prayed to be invisible in high school but unfortunately I wasn't. I was a wrung or two higher than the invisibles, one wrung higher than the nerds. We were dorks. We were weird, we dressed differently and didn't play sports but we smoked weed which gave us a little street cred. Not a lot, but enough. Matt was kind of technically on a higher wrung I suppose. He didn't play sports but he took an interest and the jocks liked him. And the popular girls liked him because he was hot. Naomi was heading in his direction and he pulled her into a tight hug and I watched him grasp her ass as he did so which just made her giggle. I rolled my eyes and took another heavy drag on the blunt.

'Hey, we're meant to be sharing that!' Ben grabbed it out of my hand. I'd almost forgotten he was there. Jason finished dancing and fell to the sand next to me lighting a cigarette.

'Urgh, who invited slutty Smalls?' He grumbled watching Matt flirt with the beauty.

'The Triple A's don't need invites.' Ben told him.

'Bitch better not think she can get her claws into my man.' He snarled.

'I think bitch has already had her claws in your man.' I lit another blunt as Jason turned to me with a scowl.

'Matt would never. She's a stone cold ho.'

'And Matt isn't?' Ben spoke before I had a chance to say the exact same thing.

'Fuck you!' Jason sucked on his cigarette. 'Matt has a high sex drive yes, but my ass is the only place he puts it.' Jason spoke defensively. Maybe a little too defensively.

'If you say so.' I mumbled turning my attention back to my blunt. The other Triple A girls were mingling, flirting their way into free drinks and free blunts like always. Brian had stopped playing his guitar now as he was far too distracted by Katya, the Russian exchange bimbo, who was running her fingers up and down Brian's arm while she pretended to laugh at something he said and as expected he was soon handing her a blunt. These girls made me sick. Willam and Alaska were playing poor Danny like a fiddle while he shared his bottle of vodka with them and Courtney and Roxxxy were draped over some football players.

'Urgh I can't stand her.' Jason pushed himself back up and he sauntered over to Matt and Naomi. I stood up too and brushed the sand from the back of my leggings.

'Hey babe.' Jason slung his arm around Matt's shoulders. 'Would you be a dear and go and grab my phone from the car?'

'Can't you get it?' Matt asked him and Jason scowled.

'Please baby.' He emphasised the last word.

'See you later Naomi.' He told the girl to which she pouted.

'Not if I see you first.' She winked at him and I could practically see steam coming out of Jason's ears. Naomi sashayed away, it didn't take her long to find another guy to pounce on. Matt watched her go.

'Matt. Phone. Now.' Jason tugged his arm sharply.

'Oh right yeah sorry babe.' He kissed Jason's cheek and went to head back up the sandback to his car.

'Leave the vodka!' Jason called after him. Matt turned and tossed the bottle in his direction. Only it flew higher and further than any of us had been expecting, right over Jason's head.

'Jinkx, heads up!' Jason yelled. I panicked a little but held my arms up to try and catch it. I started running backwards as it was continuing its path through the sky. I jumped in an attempt to catch it and as I did so I heard an all too familiar groan in pain as I ran into someone and I fell, landing on top of them, my back to his chest. I didn't need to look to know who it was. I rolled off of him onto the sand and sat up and sure enough there were those same brown eyes I kept finding myself looking into after I'd once again managed to injure him in some way. We both stood up, brushing the sand off ourselves. I could hear my friends cackling with laughter behind me and I even heard Matt chuckle the words, 'classic Jinkx.'

'I really don't know how this keeps happening. I'm sorry. I feel like that's all I ever say to you.' I felt myself blushing as he stared at me. I didn't know what he was thinking.

'Try saying something else then.' His lip turned up at the corner in that way it always seemed to when he looked at me. I didn't get it.

'Uhm like what?'

'Well you could start by asking my name seeing as all the other times you've bumped into me, usually quite literally, you've never bothered to ask.'

'Oh ok...what's your name?' I scratched the back of my head feeling awkward.

'Karl.' He smiled.

'Ok cool.'

'And you are?' He laughed a little and it was such a nice breezy sound. To say I am bad at talking to people would be an understatement.

'Oh right yeah. I'm Jerick but everyone calls me Jinkx.'

'I can see why.'

'Yeah.' I chewed my bottom lip nervously. Karl scrutinised my face for a while and it only made me more nervous.

'So, want to have a walk?' He asked me after a little while. My throat felt as though it constricted when he asked me that and I don't know why. Then I felt my knees go a little weak. I felt my palms begin to sweat and my pulse race and I realised why. I knew going for a walk with him wouldn't be a good idea.

'A walk? Why?' I heard the panic in my voice and judging by the smile on Karl's lips he heard it too.

'So we can talk? You know, get to know each other?'

'Uhm...there's not much to know. I'm pretty boring.'

'Oh come on.' Karl laughed a little and bent down to pick up Matt's bottle of vodka that I'd forgotten all about. 'All the times I have bumped into you we've never really talked and it's been anything but boring.' He unscrewed the cap and took a swig before handing to me but I shook my head.

'No I'm good thanks. I prefer not to mix my substances.' I pulled another blunt from my pocket and lit it.

'Great, you can share then!' Karl smiled brightly and then he motioned for me to follow him when he started walking. I looked over my shoulder to where Matt, Jason and Ben were all doing a really poor job at pretending to be subtle as they'd clearly been watching us. Matt gave me two thumbs up and Ben winked at me. Jason used his hands to shoo me in Karl's direction. I rolled my eyes, I wish they could have been decent friends, the kind that helped you when you were in a situation you weren't comfortable in. I sighed and started following after Karl. He turned to look at me as I caught up with him and he smiled before reaching for the blunt. His hand briefly brushed against mine and I wish I didn't feel my heart skip a beat when it did so. He dangled the bottle of vodka between in his other hand while he gracefully dragged on the blunt. I watched his lips wrap around the end of it and I watched the angles of his face and how they moved ever so slightly as he inhaled. I watched his lips part a little as he exhaled the smoke and it seemed to almost dance up into the still night air.

'You uhm...you're new around here right?' I asked tentatively. He had to be new in town, everyone knew everyone around here and until a few weeks ago I'd never seen him before. He nodded and took another drag but he didn't look at me.

'Yeah I moved here a few months ago from Minnesota. Not Asia like everyone keeps asking me.' He chuckled lightly. 'In case you couldn't tell by the accent I am a born and bred American.'

'Right. Cool.' I felt a little useless without my blunt so I decided to just let Karl keep that one and pulled another one from my pre rolled stash and lit it. 'So I guess you'll be going to our school next semester?'

'I already started at your school.' He turned to look at me finally and the corner of his lip turned up again. It was almost a smile; almost. Not quite.

'Really? Are you sure? I think I would have noticed you there.' No, I definitely would have noticed him.

'I've been going there a few months. We have Mr Haylock's class together.'

How could that be? The first time I'd noticed him was at the pool a few weeks ago and then I'd noticed him pretty much every day since. Surely I would have noticed him at school? If I was feeling what I thought I was feeling, how could I not have noticed him? Maybe I'd been jumping conclusions, maybe all these weird things that were happening to me weren't what I thought. Maybe I'm just coming down with something.

'I didn't notice you.' I croaked a little. If I was getting ill that would certainly explain a lot.

'It's ok.' Karl smiled and took another drag on the blunt. We got a little way up the beach away from the party and he fell down into the sand. I assumed I was supposed to sit too so I did, making sure to keep a safe distance from him.

'So uhm...are your parents from Asia?' I asked him for lack of anything else to say and I hated awkward silences.

'My mom’s from the Philippines.' He finished the blunt and went back to the vodka. 'What about you?'

'Oh no my mom isn't from the Philippines.' I said stupidly and it made Karl laugh.

'Durh.' He chuckled. 'I just meant like have you always lived in Seattle?'

'Oh right.' God I was an idiot sometimes. 'Yeah I've been here my whole life. To be honest, I can't wait to get out.'

'How comes?' He turned to me and watched as I smoked. I felt a little uncomfortable when he watched me like that but also I never wanted him to look away.

'Who wants to live in their hometown forever?' I shrugged. 'I don't know I guess I've just never felt like I belong in Seattle.'

'No?' Karl raised an eyebrow at me. 'Why?'

No one had ever asked me that before. I don't think I'd ever told anyone what I'd told him before though so maybe that's why. That question had a hundred different answers, I wasn't sure where to begin.

'I just...I love my friends, don't get me wrong but sometimes I just don't feel like they get me. They make me feel weird because I'm not like them. I guess I just hope that somewhere out there, away from Seattle, there's going to be people that get me.' I'd never said as much out loud before. My hand was shaking a little as I brought it to my mouth so I could drag on my blunt.

'I heard them teasing you at Robbie's party.'

'They do that a lot. Not in a mean way, they just don't get the way I am.'

'The way you are?' Karl narrowed his eyes on my and it felt like my throat was constricting from that look. I swallowed hard and bit my lip.

'I guess I'm just a very confused individual. They think I'm asexual and maybe I am. I mean I can appreciate when someone is attractive you know? I only ever notice guys in that way, and I can easily say, yeah he's attractive. But it's never been like a sexual thing you know? I don't get the kinda 'urges' my friends get. I've never looked at someone and thought, I want him to fuck my brains out. I just don't seem to get those kinds of feelings. I've tried watching porn but that does nothing for me. Sometimes I think I might be broken.' I couldn't believe I'd just confessed all that. I'd never even said as much to my friends and I had just met this guy. He had such kind eyes though, the kind that just made all your walls fall down and make you want to confess all your deepest darkest secrets. His lips curled up at the side again and cautiously he shuffled a little closer to me before he put his hand gently on my arm.

'I get it.' He whispered. 'Everyone's built differently Jinkx. Just because you aren't like your friends it doesn't make you weird. You're just you. And there's nothing wrong with that. Whether you want to have sex with every person who moves, male or female, or you don't want to have sex with anyone; it doesn't make you weird. It makes you different, but there's nothing wrong with being different. Who wants to be like everyone else? And I've seen your friends around school and no offence but I wouldn't want to be like them.' He chuckled a little and it made me chuckle too.

'No one’s ever gotten me before.' I exhaled before taking a final drag on the blunt.

'Maybe you don't give them a chance to.' Karl shrugged and sipped more of the vodka.

'What is this, a therapy session?' I rolled my eyes but it made Karl laugh.

'That's exactly what I mean. You were open one minute and then you just slam shut.'

'You don't know me.' I pulled another blunt from my pocket feeling Karl putting a downer on my buzz.

'I know your type.' He looked away from me now out across the sea that was gently lapping at the shore.

'What the hell does that mean?'

'Don't get so defensive.' He laughed again.

'I think I have every right to be defensive.' I stood up now. 'You don't know me, so don't pretend you do.' I turned to leave, annoyed at this guy.

'Where are you going?' He called after me.

'To see my friends.'

'The ones that don't get you?' He jogged after me and caught up with me pretty quickly. I refused to look at him.

'They might not get me but they don't try to fucking psycho analysis me. Maybe I like people not getting me.'

'Bullshit.' Karl laughed. 'You're dying to find someone to open up to, you're just scared about what might happen if you do.'

'Fuck you.' I quickened my pace. 'Save all the bullshit for someone who gives a fuck.' I was getting closer to my friends but Karl was still following me.

'I was only trying to help.'

'Well don't. I don't need your help. I don't need anyone's help.' I quickened my pace even more and finally I made it back to where Jason and Ben were sat on the beach. Karl was still behind me, following me like a bad smell.

'Oh there's the vodka thief.' Jason jumped up and snatched the bottle from Karl.

'Where's Matt?' I asked trying to ignore the fact Karl was even still here. I saw Jason clench his jaw and then he downed a generous amount of the vodka.

'Don't ask.' Ben told me but he subtly nodded his head and I looked over to where he'd nodded. Matt was a little further down the beach, no prizes for guessing which leggy Triple A he was with. She was touching his arm and she threw her head back as she laughed. Matt wasn't funny.

'That's it.' Jason threw the bottle on the floor and stood up. 'That fucking ho needs to be put in her place.'

Before any of us could stop him he'd started storming over towards them. I looked at Ben and he shrugged, standing up before starting to lead us closer.

'Have you two fucked?' Was Jason's opening words as he pulled Matt out of Naomi's reach. Naomi raised a perfectly sculpted eyebrow at Jason.

'I don't think that's any of your business.' She folded her arms over her chest.

'It fucking well is my business. Matt, please tell me you haven't fucked this ho!'

'Of course I haven't!' Matt defended himself.

'Who the hell are you calling a ho?' Naomi shoved Jason's shoulder. 'And who the fuck even are you?'

'Who am I?' He raised his voice. 'I'm Matt's boyfriend!'

Ben and I hung back a little and watched this unfold. We probably could have got involved and tried to calm the situation but we didn't.

'Boyfriend?' Naomi scoffed, unfolding her arms and flipping her long, poker straight black hair over her shoulder. 'Matt's not gay.'

'Oh sweetie you are dumber than you look.' Jason laughed.

'You would have told me if you were gay, right Matt?' Naomi turned her attention away from Jason. Ben and I just carried on watching.

'Tell you?' Jason scoffed. 'You only need to spend two minutes with him to realise!'

'Jason, this isn't the time or place.' Matt tried to calm him.

'What the fuck? It's not the time or place to tell a girl that's flirting with you that you’re gay?' Jason folded his arms now.

'Jay just leave it yeah?' Matt gave him a look I'd seen him give Jason a handful of times before. Jason had a tendency to be feisty and that was the look Matt always gave him when he was getting out of hand.

'I will not! I'm not going to just stand by while this slut tries to get into my boyfriend’s pants!'

'Excuse me?' Naomi raised her voice. 'Who are you calling a slut?'

I looked at Ben who was biting his lip and had a look on his face that said this was bad. Now I don't like the Triple A's and I certainly have no desire to be popular. But even I wouldn't say something like that to their faces, that was basically social suicide.

'Oh wow you really are dumb.' Jason rolled his eyes. 'You. I'm calling you a slut.'

'Jason, come on this isn't cool.' Matt grabbed his arm and tried to steer him away from Naomi.

'Get off me.' Jason shook him off.

'Jason leave her alone.' Matt told him more sternly this time.

'Are you seriously taking her side? You're going to back up this whore instead of you own boyfriend?'

'I am not a whore!' Naomi raised her voice now and then she slapped Jason around the side of the face and the sound echoed down the beach. I felt as though I was holding my breath. I couldn't move. I was frozen to the spot.

'What the hell is going on over here?'

I hadn't noticed they'd drawn more attention until I heard Willam's voice and I suddenly saw him and Alaska heading over.

'This little bitch is getting all up in my face!' Naomi told her friends. 'I was just having a nice conversation with Matt-'

'You were trying to work your way into his pants you slut!' Jason cut her off. Willam and Alaska stood either side of Naomi like body guards.

'Are you calling my friend a slut?' Alaska asked folding her arms.

'Jason, just apologise and this can be over.' Matt told him.

'No! I am not apologising! She's the one that should apologise!'

'I've done nothing wrong.' Naomi spoke innocently.

'Apologise to her now.' Willam told Jason, also folding her arms.

'Absolutely no fucking way. Not gonna happen.' Jason shook his head in defiance.

'Oh yeah?' Willam raised an eyebrow and turned to look over her shoulder towards a group of football players. I didn't like where this was going.

'Hey guys can I have a bit of help-'

'Hey gurl, I have to say you're outfit is absolutely to die for!'

All of a sudden Karl stepped forward towards Willam. I'd completely forgotten he was there to be honest. Willam turned her attention to Karl and looked him up and down for a second. We all stood with baited breath waiting for what was going to happen.

'You have excellent taste.' She smiled at Karl and I breathed a sigh of relief.

'And you miss thing!' Karl turned to Alaska. 'Where did you get those nails done?'

I saw Matt grab Jason by the arm and steer him away from the girls while they were distracted. They came over to me and Ben.

'We should get out of here.' Matt told us all. Ben and I nodded in agreement.

'This is our party!' Jason huffed.

'Yeah well, you've caused enough for trouble for tonight.' Matt pulled his pack of cigarettes from his pocket and unsheathed one before lighting it.

'Where are we going to go? It's still early?' Ben asked looking between us.

'My parents are out, we can chill in the cave.' Matt grabbed Jason's arm again and started leading him towards the car. Ben followed but I found myself stood still, watching Karl as he befriended half of the Triple A girls.

'Are you coming Jinkx?' Ben asked me and I snapped out of my trance and looked at him.

'Huh? Oh yeah, I'll be right up.' I told him. I waited for Ben to leave before I slowly approached Karl. I'm not sure what had come over me, but seeing him basically save Jason's ass had made me see him in a different light. He was laughing along with the girls and he smiled at me as I approached.

'Oh hey.' He patted my back. 'Do you girls know Jinkx? He's a great guy.'

'Hi Jinkx.' Naomi smiled at me.

'Nice to meet you.' Alaska told me. Willam just smiled at me, but it was the most interaction I'd probably ever had with them. I was a little offended that they clearly had no idea we'd been going to the same school for years but I wouldn't say anything.

'So we're going back to Matt's. Do you maybe want to come with us?' I asked Karl shyly, biting my lip. Not so long ago I wanted nothing more than to see the back of him and now I apparently wanted to keep him around. I didn't understand it myself.

'Yeah sure.' His lip turned up at the corner again as he said this. He said goodbye to the girls and we headed up the beach to Matt's car where we slid in the back.

'You don't mind if Karl comes do you?' I asked Matt once we were in the car.

'Dude you saved my boyfriend’s argumentative ass tonight. You are more than welcome to come.' Matt chuckled. As we drove off I found myself looking at the side of Karl's face. And there it was again. Weak at the knees. Sweaty palms. Pulse racing. Shit.

------------------------------------

The cave was what we called Matt's basement. Matt had decked out with a stereo system and bean bag chairs and it's where the four of us spent a lot of time getting high and drinking. Karl was the first outsider to ever be invited to the cave.

Music was blaring and a blunt was being passed around. I took it from Matt and the second he'd handed it over he sat in Jason's lap straddling him and they began making out messily and desperately. I just hoped they'd make it upstairs if things got too heated. Ben was engrossed in his phone, probably scrolling through his contacts to find a last minute hook up. Karl was sat on the bean bag next to me. He hadn't said much since we'd left the beach but then again neither had I. I took a few drags on the blunt before I handed it to him. He gave me that curled up lip smile as he took it.

'Are they always like this?' He asked me, nodding in his head in Jason and Matt's direction. I looked over to see Matt's hand working at getting in Jason's pants. I rolled my eyes.

'Guys, do you have to do that here?' I spoke loudly so they'd actually hear me. Matt sat back with a start and looked at me in confusion.

'Oh shit.' He panted a little, clearly he'd forgotten we were here. 'Jay, upstairs.' He stood up and pulled Jason up by the collar of his shirt. Their lips met again as they stumbled towards the door.

'I should go too.' Ben got up from his bean bag chair. 'Booty calls.' He winked at me and said goodbye to Karl. And then just like that, Karl and I were alone. Awkward. Or was it? It probably was no less awkward than when the others had been here. I looked over at him as he dragged on the blunt. He looked back at me and smiled a little. Yeah it was more awkward.

'So uhm...maybe we should go too?' I scratched the back of my head with a shrug.

'Yeah I guess we can do.' Karl shrugged too. 'Or we could stay and smoke more, hang out?' He sounded slightly tentative as he asked me as this as if he already knew I would say no. But I didn't want to say no. I actually did really want to stay. That was a little weird to me but there was something about the way he was looking at me that made me want to stay.

'I guess I can stay for a bit. I have to change this music though. Matt's musical tastes assault my ears.' I pushed myself up from the bean bag and went over to the pile of CD's in the corner that I'd lent Matt that I knew he'd never listened to. I found the one I was looking for and exchanged it for the horrible trance one that was in there. When I turned back around Karl was laying in the middle of the floor on his back.

'Blunt?' He asked me and I just nodded and pulled one from my pocket before lighting it. The music started flooding the room as I stood there awkwardly not sure what to do with myself. 'Join me.' Karl motioned to me. I bit my lip but found myself nodding. I laid down on my back next to him and took another drag before handing the blunt to him. He started humming to the music.

'Janes Addiction.' He sighed a little. 'This is one of my favourite albums.'

'Seriously?' I rolled my head to the side so I could look at him. 'Mine too. As a rule I pretty much only listen to music from the 80's.'

He looked at me too with that curled up lip smile and dragged on the blunt.

'Jinkxy, I think this the beginning of a beautiful friendship.'

'Did you just quote Casablanca at me?' I chuckled a little. Karl scrutinised me as if to try and figure out what the right answer was to that question. He dragged on the blunt again to buy himself time before handing it back to me.

'Guilty.' He shrugged. 'Is that really dorky?'

'About as dorky as me knowing what it was from.' I smiled a little at him.

'You like that movie?' He asked me and I swore I felt him shuffle closer.

'It's one of my favourites.' I admitted.

'Looks like we have more in common than I thought.' Karl rolled his head back to look at the ceiling.

'My friends don't get my taste in music or movies.' I whispered.

'Well,' Karl paused and for a moment I didn't think he was going to say anymore. 'Now you have one friend who does.'

I smiled to myself as I looked away from him. There was a strange kind of anticipation in the air. Heavy breathing. Staring at the ceiling. What happens next? I'm not sure I want to know. I could feel my heart beating hard in my chest although I'm not sure why. I let the blunt dangle loosely between my fingers. I wanted something to happen. I wanted Karl to lean over and kiss me. I'd never wanted someone to do that before. We laid in silence for a long time and what did happen next was an unexpected gesture, but one I really liked. I felt Karl's fingers brush the top of my hand and then he gently turned it over and linked his fingers in mine. He held my hand tightly and I held his back as we continued staring at the ceiling. In that moment I was feeling all kinds of things I'd never felt before but I found I weirdly liked it. The strange air of anticipation was exciting. What will happen next? I kind of wanted to stick around to find out.

Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up,

These are the best days of our lives.

The only thing that matters

Is just following your heart

And eventually you'll finally get it right.

#manila x jinkx #minkx #Manila Luzon #Jinkx Monsoon #karl westerberg #jerick hoffer #pearlet #jason dardo #matthew lent #BenDeLaCreme #fanfiction

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doomsteady · 8 years ago

Text

Look Again - ch1

WIP! bi!John/ace!Sherlock, Friends to Lovers. Explicit. Will be posted on AO3 when it’s done.

This is what I’ve been writing to get over my writer’s block. Sort of a different take on my old Spotlights series. Less blatantly smutty (but still: there is smut). A more mature, developed look at the sexual/asexual relationship dynamic.

I am enjoying this one SO much right now! :D Not sure how long it’ll be in the end, but I’m at about 5k words currently and I think I’ve got about another 5k left to go.

Enjoy!

Ch 1

A heavy boot smeared a muddy print on the back of John’s shirt as the brute jerked the rope back. The coils tightened at once, his and Sherlock’s bodies squeezing even closer and forcing a rough grunt out of John’s lungs.

Typical, John thought, his nose squashed against the front of Sherlock’s pristine shirt. Bloody typical, this.

The boot on his back shoved them away, sending their bound feet scuffing a clumsy tango against the tarmac. Grit scattering underfoot. Dark suited goons jeered at them from all sides, drunk on power and victory.

They’d been caught out. An unexpected patrol had stumbled upon their hiding spot out of blind, dumb luck. On all other counts, they had been meticulously careful; John’s army training being just as useful in situations like these as Sherlock’s route-finding and planning often was, but the result of their discovery was the same either way: They’d been captured. Their plan to eavesdrop on the clandestine money exchange was scuppered. Sherlock had been so furious with himself as to curse aloud.

The ringleader of the group stepped forward, an older man in a bespoke suit. Bald, gruff in both voice and appearance, his expensive attire did little to pretty up his image; John couldn’t help but think he looked like a dressed-up boar, for all the good it did him.

The man — Salvatore, because of course he’d be Italian — leaned in close to Sherlock’s ear. His breath stank of cigar ash, bitter and rotten. He was so close to John’s face that John had to fight the urge to headbutt the smarmy wanker, but one warning glance from Sherlock’s sharp, oceanic eyes put paid to the idea. They would get him eventually, but not now. Right now, survival and escape were paramount.

“Nearly had us all figured out, didn’t you?” The man’s thin lips pulled into a mocking grin. “So close,” he crooned. “The great Sherlock Holmes, Consulting Pain-in-the-Arse. Got cocky, eh? It’s just as well. We can’t have you ballsing our whole operation up, now can we?”

Sherlock’s face, mere inches from John’s own, remained passive and unimpressed by the man’s taunts. To look at him, one might assume the whole affair was a minor inconvenience. He looked bored, only mildly irritated to have been stripped of his coat, his hands bound behind his back and the rest of him tied to his friend, ankles to sternum.

His was a look that gave no applause to their captors, no acknowledgement of their having outwitted their opponent. It was an air of arrogant confidence, as if their eventual escape was a foregone conclusion. Child’s play.

Knowing him as well as John did, that was very likely the truth of it.

But pressed together as they were, chest-to-chest, John could clearly feel the thrum of Sherlock’s elevated heartbeat against his own. The man wasn’t impervious to the effects of adrenaline. It matched John’s own heavy pulse, the noise of which hissed in his ears and throbbed in his wrists where the thin rope dug painfully into his skin.

“I had rather hoped to put a damper on your day, yes. Nevermind, though. You’re a slippery fish, Salvatore, but even you can’t hope to slip the net every time.”

Salvatore’s grin widened until he broke into a rattling, sickly laugh. His goons joined in, right on cue. “Oh, Mr Holmes! You forget your current predicament. What nets should I need to slip, now that the fisherman himself has been hooked?”

The clunk of a car boot unlocking echoed through the underground level. Two things kept circling in John’s mind: One, that these thugs probably intended to kill them and dump their bodies somewhere they were unlikely to be discovered. And two, how much he wished it didn’t require the excuse of a hostage situation to be this physically close to his flatmate.

Because God, he’d been an idiot, hadn’t he? How many months had it been since that night at Angelo’s? Their first case together; chasing a serial killer through the streets of London. And John, already so infatuated by Sherlock’s strange charms, unable to contain himself any longer.

He just had to ask. Could they? Was he…?

He’d surprised even himself with his forwardness, but poor Sherlock had looked downright panicked by the advance. It was so sudden, so unexpected, that Sherlock had been forced to let him down in no uncertain terms.

While I’m flattered by your interest…

John Watson: Blogger, Flatmate, Monumental Idiot. And now this was it: This was the last time he would experience the two of them sharing each other’s body heat, and not once had it ever been under more pleasant circumstances. Was it possible to mourn the loss of something he’d never had? Because he was pretty sure this is how it feels.

In hindsight, it was even more of a shock that Sherlock had managed to reject him in a manner that was surprisingly gentle for the ‘high-functioning sociopath’. But, well, they both knew that label didn’t entirely apply. Though Sherlock preferred to maintain the myth for his public image, given their living arrangements, it was impossible to hide his true nature from John for long.

Everyone they knew now considered John the foremost expert on Sherlock Holmes, and not without good reason: They had grown thick as thieves in no time at all. And one thing he knew for sure about his strange, brilliant flatmate? He was no sociopath. His major problem seemed to be his difficulty to connect with and express his emotions. But hell, even John himself struggled with that, and most people considered him a perfectly normal bloke.

After Angelo’s, John hadn’t asked again. He respected his friend’s feelings and didn’t question their status in each other’s lives. But part of him always wondered if things might have developed differently, if only he hadn’t jumped the gun like a giddy teenager.

Trying to get into the man’s pants after only a day of knowing him? God, he must have seemed a right prat.

Breaking through John’s thoughts, two goons stepped forward, grabbing their arms and shoving them towards the car. John felt Sherlock’s body stiffen the moment his calves touched the bumper, and a moment later they were toppling awkwardly over and down into the cramped space.

“Shall we go for a swim, Mr Holmes?” he heard behind them, amidst the heckling of the thugs. Someone picked up their bound legs and swung them inside, hauling their dead-weight bodies into a position that could allow the boot to close over their heads. With a slam, the light was shut out. External sounds dulled to a muffled whisper of voices and the soft tread of boots. Inside, only their breaths were loud and clear.

“You alright?” John asked against Sherlock’s head, tasting for a moment the thick curls brushing the corner of his mouth. He winced at how the combined weight of himself and Sherlock lying over him was crushing his hands against the upholstery. “Felt you knock your head a bit on the way in. Does it hurt?”

John felt Sherlock’s low reply rumble like nightclub bass through both of their chests. “Mm,” he said. “It’ll bruise. It’s fine. What about you, can you breathe well enough? I’d get off if I could, but…”

“I’m fine,” John said, his eyes blindly seeking detail in the pitch black of the boot. He thanked his lucky stars neither of them were claustrophobic.

Outside, he could hear people approaching the car. A door opened, then another, and the suspension bounced and sank as their captors boarded. He dropped his voice to a strained whisper. “So, what’s the plan?”

Sherlock’s words were a tickling heat against John’s neck. “We have to loosen the ropes first. Can’t do anything with my hands tied like this.”

The engine roared to life, sending its vibrations through the chassis. It sunk into John’s bones and rattled his teeth. It was louder here than in the cabin, and a moment later, Sherlock began shifting his shoulders and hips in a serpentine movement. It forced John’s body to rock right along with him.

His breath caught in his throat as his brain momentarily whited-out.

“Move, John,” Sherlock ordered. “It’ll loosen quicker if we’re both working at it. They won’t hear over the engine.”

In the dark, John nodded and started mimicking Sherlock’s movements. Stopped a moment later. Actually, that wasn’t such a good idea.

“Um, Sherlock…” he began. Sherlock, still moving, didn’t reply. His whole weight was on top of John as he rhythmically worked his limbs against the ropes. He shifted them up and down, up and down, flexing and relaxing his muscles. His breath started coming in shallow pants that made John’s skin raise in goosebumps. Worse still, the motion was causing their hips to rub together in a way that simply couldn’t be ignored.

“Sherlock,” John hissed, barely able to prevent his body from twitching at every bolt of pleasure that was skittering up his spine. “Could you… Stop. Sherlock, stop, please.”

“Why?” Sherlock paused over him, their chests constricting with every laboured breath. The air had turned humid, a little stifling. John could feel the sweat beading on his forehead.

“Because it’s killing my wrists,” John said, because that was true, technically. He wasn’t about to admit that what was really concerning him was the reaction happening between his legs. Mercifully, it seemed Sherlock hadn’t yet caught on.

“A lot more than your wrists will end up dead if we don’t get out of here, John.” He strained his arms outward, tested the limits of the rope again. “I think it’s working, but it needs more. Look, just hold still, alright? I’ll try to make this quick.”

“Alright…”

As Sherlock began shifting again, John tried to think of anything other than the myriad fantasies he’d had over the years about the man currently writhing like a lover on top of him.

He thought of cold showers.

Of mutilated corpses.

Of Mycroft in women’s lingerie.

That last one, unexpected but horrifically detailed in his mind, caused him to break into a giggle.

“Glad you’re in such a giddy mood,” Sherlock’s voice came out rough from the exertion, his breath hitching between the words. “You could help, you know.”

“Sorry,” John shook his head, still grinning at the mental image. At this entire situation. This was ridiculous; here they were, trapped in a car boot, tied together with Sherlock frotting against him as if his life depended on it, because it actually did. John’s mind stuck picturing Mycroft in a brassier and lacy panties. Ripples of laughter ran through him, made unsteady by Sherlock’s movements.

This couldn’t really be happening, could it? John felt a little hysterical. “It’s nothing, just— Ohhh.”

A bump in the road shifted their position by a degree, causing Sherlock’s hips to grind directly along John’s half-hard cock, and a helpless moan escaped John’s throat before he could prevent it.

Sherlock went still at that. John’s erection throbbed between them, as obvious as the nose on his face.

Oh, indeed.

“S-Sorry,” John stammered. “Fuck. I’m sorry.”

“It’s um. It’s fine.” Sherlock cleared his throat. “Perfectly natural response.”

“Yeah, it’s just… The friction, it’s…”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“Right.”

“But I have to…”

“Yeah, it’s fine. Just… Ignore.”

Sherlock hesitated for a moment before he started tentatively moving again. John could tell he was trying to avoid it, but there was no room to manoeuvre. Plus, if anything, it was having an even greater effect on him now that they had acknowledged it. That he knew Sherlock was aware that his shimmying was arousing him only made John’s cock twitch in perverted glee.

God, what the hell was wrong with him?!

And Sherlock kept going, because he had to, delivering an inexorable rhythm of frottage against John’s crotch that soon had him breathing hard through his nose. Every brush sent heavy drags of pleasure up his spine and down into his bollocks, bringing him rock-solid and building into a serious threat of something more, something with a very definite climax.

“Sherlock, for real…” John bit his lip. This had to stop soon, or else he was going to lose it entirely, but he couldn’t think of a way to say ‘I’m about to come in my pants’ that wouldn’t leave him mortally humiliated for the rest of his life. He eventually settled on a breathless, “Surely they’re loose enough by now?”

“Not quite. Just a few more minutes.”

“Sherlock—” His voice rasped, more a rush of air than sound. This couldn’t be happening to him. This wasn’t fair.

“Grit your teeth, man!”

John clenched his jaw and squeezed his eyes shut, but nothing could block out the sensation of Sherlock rubbing against him, dragging over his cock, increasing in speed and pressure as the binds around them gradually loosened. John was losing himself to the pleasure, the world narrowing down to the tightening of his muscles and the bubbling fire preparing to erupt in his groin. The urge to rut up and finish it was becoming an almost unbearable temptation.

The sounds Sherlock was making in his ear— grunting, panting with effort, certainly weren’t helping. His lips were brushing against him occasionally, accidentally, just beneath his earlobe. It was all so painfully intimate. Almost indistinguishable from the real thing. And combined with the see-saw swaying of his slender hips as they ground against John in just the right way…

John was fast approaching his limit.

“Sherlock,” he tried again, desperation keening in his voice even as he tried to stay quiet, lest their captors overhear. “Sherlock, please…”

“Hold on, John.”

“Fuck… I don’t… Don’t think I…” John’s mind clouded over. The smell of Sherlock’s skin, the press of his body, the heat of it. The hammering rhythm of his heart. The sound of his voice in his ear, deep, thick as dark chocolate and smooth as velvet. Luxurious. John’s every sense: Sherlock. Sherlock. Everywhere, inside his mind and out of it. Every thrust dragging him ever closer, closer, closer. Behind closed eyelids, John gazed into Sherlock’s eyes and saw those pupils blown wide with pleasure, and it was enough. It all was too much.

“Please, please… Oh, please… Sher… Please, please, please—!”

Once it began, he couldn’t stop it. The air was forced out of his lungs as he came, groaning helplessly into Sherlock’s shirt collar. His hips jerked up, hard, meeting the solid resistance of Sherlock’s thigh as his whole body tried to curl against Sherlock’s pinning weight. His fists clenched tight behind his back and his toes curled in the confines of their shoes. A litany of ‘pleases’ and ‘Sherlocks’ spilled from his lips as his cock pulsed between them, thick and hot.

It seemed to go on for an embarrassingly long time.

The waves gradually abated, and his muscles unwound themselves, relaxing enough to allow him to lay down flat again, mortified and gasping for air. For a moment, neither of them moved or spoke. The moment was frozen between them, undefined and fuzzy at the edges. But there was no need to spell it out. If his moaning hadn’t given it away, his frenzied rutting certainly had.

John’s heart was still pounding in his chest when Sherlock pulled at the ropes again. John could feel the difference in the tension, but it still amazed him when Sherlock’s right arm slipped up and out of the coils, followed by his left. Then, having created enough extra slack in the rope by freeing his limbs, Sherlock slid his torso down through the coils around their chests. Honestly, the man was like a god damned contortionist.

Panic momentarily gripped him when Sherlock was forced to rub his face along John’s crotch, because God knows what it smelled like down there. He froze, not daring to move an inch, until at last Sherlock’s upper-half was freed of its binds. John shuffled over to allow Sherlock to settle on the floor of the boot beside him, and together they made short work of the rope tying their legs.

“What now?” John asked, shoving aside his shame and anxiety and focusing on the problem at hand. There would be time to examine the fallout from this later. Pale light flooded the cramped space when Sherlock switched on his phone, and both of them squinted while their eyes got used to the glare.

Sherlock was already reaching for something hidden in his sock when the car rolled to a halt.

“Shit. Are we too late?” John whispered, his body tensing despite the post-orgasmic lethargy weighing heavy in his limbs.

“Traffic light,” Sherlock replied, leaning forward to mess with the boot lid. He had something slim in his hand; its smooth edge reflected the icy blue of the phone screen as he swivelled it into the lock’s mechanism. A few quick jiggles and the lid popped open, allowing a rush of cold London air into the space and revealing a sliver of damp road beyond.

John moved to clamber his way out, but Sherlock gripped his arm. “Not yet,” he said. “Wait until the car starts moving. They’ll notice the weight let up if we get out now.” They sat poised like stone statues, waiting for the moment. Then, the lurch of the engine. “Now!”

John rolled out of the boot first, gripping the lid to stop it raising too far. Sherlock slipped out behind him almost immediately. The car was away from them before he had a chance to shut the lid and hide the evidence of their escape. It would only be seconds before someone would notice it.

“Forget it, John. Run!”

#sherlock #asexual #bisexual #friends to lovers #fanfic #ao3 #look again #johnlock #doom's projects #ch1

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