#first post id! if anything’s wrong please tell me

[writingwisterias]

Okay so hear me out ( hello first, where are my manners )

but rly hear me out : Leon and the reader, the reader is pregnant, and the baby is born on September 30th. Like I can’t be the only one who thought about it ? Anyway, please don’t die I love your stories.

stay hydrated folks

Hello!

I actually love this, I could feel the angst and fluff. I will try not to die 🫡 I hope you enjoy and have a good day! And everyone that sees this is your reminder to drink water or anything please (Not proof Read I'm sorry it posted before I got the chance!)

I'm so sorry for how late this is please forgive me! I wanted to flesh it out a bit

Warnings: Fluff, Angst, Pregnancy, Child birth (Not graphic), PTSD, Establsihed Relationship

ID!Leon Kennedy x AFAB!Reader

The red circle on the calendar was just a constant reminder to him. Not only because of the impending arrival of his child. But also of that one fateful night -- the day that changed his life. He would spend the entire year trying to forget about it and think of anything other than this. It was the devil's work he swore in that doctor's office when the date was announced. He watched you freeze, a fake smile now replacing the real one you had when you entered the office. Leon hated that one date could still have so much effect on the two of you. 

You grasped his hand during the rest of the appointment, and you watched as he sunk into himself, his eyes turning hazy as he dissociated. Your fingers squeezing his desperately trying to get him to come back. You would never blame him, the horrors he had been through were enough to break a thousand men and he was still here. You had asked him years ago to explain everything to allow the secret he had kept so long to be heard by someone he trusted to help him heal. Since then the pregnancy had turned into a nine-month countdown to the date. The small kicks he felt every night fought desperately against the feeling, the reminder. The life you were carrying to involve him in a never-ending circle of happiness was already trying to heal their dad. Leon was too good of a man to let this affect the relationship with the child, besides due dates can be wrong all the time. Sometimes the baby will come later, he might be lucky.

You watched him become nervous as the countdown began as you were in the final weeks of the pregnancy. It became a routine for Leon to stare at the red circle every morning as he made breakfast and coffee. Only getting worse since the date was only a few days away at this point. The nursery was completely decorated with things you had both collected yourselves and had been given in the baby shower. All of the baby grows were washed and put away, a large stockpile of diapers in the changing table ready to be used up. You were both just waiting on the baby. 

“Good morning” You spoke softly as you entered the room. Your voice is now the only thing taking his attention away from the calendar. Leon smiled at you, his oversized shirt draped over your body. “Morning” He mumbled, hand instantly smoothing the fabric smiling at the little kicks that greeted him. It wasn’t unusual for him to be awake early, his military timer being one of the things that never left him. Despite your attempts to train it out of him in favour for a few more hours in bed. “What’s for breakfast today? It smells good” You hummed sweetly looking over at the hob. 

You tried to hide it, you really did but Leon didn’t miss the twinge of pain in your face. The small adjustment you gave yourself as pain washed over you. “Are you alright?” He asked ignoring your previous question entirely. His touch was gentle a simple reminder of his support. You nodded muttering a small ‘yes’ despite your features clenched together displaying otherwise. His hand moved gently on your lower back, the movements distracting you from the pain. You knew what the date was but you also knew what the pain meant. You just didn’t have the heart to tell him yet. After spending the whole night hoping that maybe it was just a Braxton hix and they would fade away eventually. However, the world wasn’t that kind. “Love, please don’t lie to me. Not when you are this close” 

“The date-”

“I know the date…I don’t care not right now. Tell me what’s happening” 

You turned to him, finally able to stand up straighter now the pain had subsided. Leon knew what you were getting at, he’d read all the books and leaflets the doctor recommended. All to be able to recognise the signs. Leon ensured that he was as prepared as he could be but now it was happening he froze. Panic rose in his system as you had yet another contraction in front of him. The timings were too close together, you had waited for hours as he slept. Hoping it won’t fall on this date. For his sake. 

“Do we need to leave?” He asked, his voice catching in his throat. You nodded a soft chuckle leaving your lips as you held onto him, fingers digging in his arm as you let the pain subside. To his credit he worked quickly, gathering the bag and items you had prepared and putting them into the car. He was careful as he led you towards the car. One eye on the road and the other on you, pride swelling in his chest at how well you were handling yourself. He thought he would be more lost today, that the date would distract him from being present with you. It did occasionally, every time someone would remind you both of the fact the baby was arriving on your due date he would go silent. Get lost in his mind again. Only to be brought back by a softer comment from you or your touch. The same way you would normally bring him back after spending years with him.  

When getting himself coffee or ice chips for you; he would make sure to avoid the ER, the screams triggering his flashbacks. You were proud of him, he never let it show. Despite the circumstances, you knew he would be the best partner you could get in this situation. 

You tried to hold back from making any sound but the more you needed to push the louder you got. He didn’t blame you, he could see that you were trying for his sake. The hospital was already proving to be challenging with all of the other mothers throughout the day going through the same process just a few rooms down. Leon could feel your attempts to be silent in the way you gripped his hand. You saw Leon wince at every moan and flinch at every scream you made. It didn’t help the baby was progressing slowly meaning the process was dragged out. It seemed like the entire day was attempting to make this harder for him. 

Yet despite everything he still helped you through it, complimenting your progress and how well you were doing. “You can do it, You are doing so good” He whispered in your hair, placing kisses not caring for the sweat that coated your skin. His kisses were cold and welcomed against your sweaty skin. You shook your head exhaustion lingering in the corner ready to take over. The final moments were the hardest for him. Leon tried so hard not to let it affect him but the room was suddenly too loud as it now filled with the baby’s cries, the nurses praising you as you also cried. The wails reminded him of all the distant ones he heard as he ran around the police station, of all the people he couldn’t save as he was trapped inside. Your deeper groans of pain sounded similar to Marvin’s as he spoke helping Leon out of the station. 

You felt his presence, but he wasn’t there, his eyes watching over you with that hazed look again. You wouldn’t hold it against him; it was enough that he was here physically. You knew he hated the hospital, the sounds of everyone injured and in pain. You’ve spent countless times trying to force him to get his sickness checked out by doctors instead of googling the symptoms. However, you knew that once the noise reduced, he would come back, and he would enjoy the moment. 

Guilt washed over him as he held the baby the small bundle watching him with curious eyes. You were asleep, having some well-deserved rest. The machines beeped around him, the noise of the hospital fading as he looked back into those blue eyes. They were so small in his arms, their head cradled perfectly in the palm of his hand. This is what he endured and fought for that night, the chance to have a life at the end of it. To have happiness and love surround him in even the smallest ways. Leon didn’t know he was going to be tracked down and blacked mailed by the government for just surviving the events of Raccoon City. Neither did he know that he was going to have to sign his life away putting what he assumed as pure luck into training. He had just watched you champion this for 9 months, endure days of morning sickness, all of the growing pains without a complaint. Looking forward to the future when you can finally hold the baby. He supposed in his own long-winded way he did the same. 

All the nightmares suddenly didn’t matter anymore, not when a positive thing overtook them. Soon to be interrupted by softer cries in the night. The small bundle he held in his arms wasn’t just a new birthday to celebrate for them but for him as well. For the new Leon that wouldn’t let that one night dictate the rest of his life, haunt him forever. It was his chance at a rebirth, at a new beginning. Not only as a husband and father but just as himself. 

[jinogasux-fr]

Santae banned me without telling me why and won't unban me unless I send them my photo ID

Hey guys sorry for not posting in… forever? I just suck at social media lol. But you may have seen that I've reblogged some posts that advertise Santae in the past, but please disregard all that. I've since deleted those posts after learning how the site is managed and, after what happened to me a few days ago, I feel as though I should go public about this. Because boy did I just get fucked over.

Anyway, yeah, what it says in the title. On October 24th, around 10am EST, I was restocking my user shop when the entire webpage went white. I couldn't access the site at all and, when I tried to look for the Discord on my server list, it wasn't there. I knew what this had meant. I got banned from both the game, and the Discord - this is important to keep in mind for later.

I didn't receive any Discord DM or email notification about my ban, so after asking a mod what their support email was (and yes, I later verified that this is indeed their legitimate support email), I sent them this:

After a few hours, I get this back in response:

There's so much I'm confused about here. I think the one that screams out the most is that they're asking me to show them my photo ID so I can get unbanned. Absolutely not. I refuse to do this. This poses a massive security and privacy risk. They straight up banned my account, gave this half-baked explanation, and told me I need to send my personal information or... I stay banned?

Let me make something clear: The only personal thing they have on file about this account is the email address that I created my account with, which I've also used to contact them. My real name, date of birth, anything of that nature would not be connected because this was not asked for during account creation, therefore this wouldn't actually prove I'm the account holder. Theoretically speaking, I could show them any ID in the world and for all they know, that's my real information, because they have nothing else to go off of. They even say as much in their privacy page.

Secondly, "account has been compromised"? What does that mean? I think anyone's interpretation of this would be that my account got hacked. But if my account got hacked, why wasn't I informed of this? I had to reach out to support, they did not reach out to me first. That means my password, which I may share across other sites, would have been known to someone else and thus I should've been warned of this immediately, not roughly 5 hours after the fact.

Thirdly, what, was my Discord "compromised" too? If an automated system had flagged my account, does that system somehow interact with a Discord bot so they ban a user on both at the same time? How does that work? That makes no sense as to why they'd ban me on both the game and the Discord for something like this, which is why I'm calling bullshit.

Let me tell you what I think happened.

Recently, Santae has been in some really hot water with connections revealing their relation to an older petsite, Lurapets, which has a history of scamming and artist mistreatment, as well as proof coming out of them using AI art for their NPC art. You can find these posts on the @santae-salt blog if you want to see for yourself, but I'm also linking them throughout this post.

Once the post about them being directly related to Lurapets was released, several users that the Santae staff thought might be involved in the creation of the post got banned. As it turns out, I was banned at the same time as these users.

After speaking with the @santae-salt admin, we are both of the belief that I, a regular user, got caught up in this mess because they're assuming I'm an alt account of someone else and staff demanded to see my ID because they didn't think I was a different person. It may turn out to be wrong, and yeah that sounds a bit far-fetched, sure, but really, what else can I go off of here?? Santae staff has given me a very questionable and refutable explanation as to why I've been banned, and their radio silence after I refused to send them my ID is just making me believe they don't think I'm real. They don't want my photo ID to verify I'm the account holder, they want my photo ID to verify I'm not someone else.

This is unprecedented. I've never seen any petsite ask for a photo ID in any situation, and after asking around, not even those banned from Santae were asked for this. It's just me! This is an incredible attempted breach of privacy, and, with Santae now under doxxing allegations, I really don't feel confident they'd keep my personal information… well, personal.

I messaged back almost immediately after they responded to me where I told them I would not send my ID and I had asked if there were any other way I could verify myself to get my account unbanned. I've received no response so far, and after what I've learned, I feel like I'm not going to get one at all.

So, let this be a lesson to you: don't waste your time on Santae. You can be the most obedient player out there. You can abide by all their rules, be a nice and generous player, or just be minding your own business, but if they so much as think you're associated with someone who they think has wronged them, you'll be banned.

And they can't even be bothered to properly tell you why.

[iniquitousyearning]

tldr: respect eachother.

this is the post i’m referring to. read this first. 🤍

there are a few different topics id like to cover here; before i begin, please know that i am coming wholly from a place of respect and understanding, while also feeling the need to defend my friend. mari (@thatdammchickennugget) is one of the sweetest, full hearted individuals i have had the pleasure of meeting, and she did not deserve to be spoken to like that.

most important; respect.

the fact i even have to reiterate this fact is disheartening in itself, but, please: give respect, get respect. at the heart of this fandom, we are all here for the same reason. to read and write for characters we love. it seems that sometimes, perhaps we forget this fact and we focus too much on the analytics of it all.

i understand the frustration, i too was once a new writer and can promise you the feeling is not lost on me. you are valid for having these feelings, but there is a right and a wrong way to go about it.

there simply has just been too much hate in this fandom lately. there are tensions for all sorts of reasons. shaming and mocking people for making friends and fostering safe spaces is not how this fandom has ever operated. ‘big blogs’ are humans with feelings, the exact same as you, and to immediately assume the reason they aren’t reading or reblogging your fics is because they don’t want to support anyone except their friends is an unfortunate stance to take; given it’s simply not true.

perhaps you may be forgetting that there are real lives behind these screens. lives with traumas and grief and heartache and stress. not actively reblogging every fic we come across doesn’t equate to not wanting to support, it may just simply mean that we’re going through some shit and don’t have the time to read as much as we’d like to.

for new writers, a side note;

if you’re a new writer, you need to assess within yourself why it is you’re writing. there’s going to be low points, topics or themes not as highly sought. low notes do not depict your worth, and to point fingers at others because they’re not supporting you the way you want them to, screams to me, someone who is writing for all the wrong reasons.

interactions and reblogs are so fucking appreciated but shouldn’t be the root of why you are doing what you’re doing. i write for tom more than anyone and his fandom is the smallest aside from blaise. the amount of writers that actively reblog my fics is very very low, and that’s okay. no one owes me or you anything.

i’m going to wrap this up by saying this; over half of my mutuals are small blogs or nonwriters. i have made majority of my mutuals on here by interactions alone, wether it be me searching for fics or them commenting on mine. it’s easy to make friends, it’s easy to find those supports, you just have to reach out.

i will always encourage every single one of you, to send me your fics, to tag me in them, whatever the hell you want to do. it’s hard to be everywhere at once. i have always been loving and welcoming and inclusive to everyone, i know all of you know this. if anyone wants my support, do not ever be afraid to ask it. i will not bite you, i will not ignore you, i will not tell you to get lost.

reach out. i’m here. 🤍

[zolica-ao3]

pirate au fic has me SAT‼️‼️😍😍😍 i actually have gone back to read the snippet you posted like four times (i had to seach for it specifically every time) because it has a different kind of swag on god i will be there on the 4th the way i am so appreciative of your writing AS WELL AS this fic specifically should be studied because i am eating that UP‼️🗣️ if this fic has 0 people anticipating its release i am dead you are doing the citizens of landoscar a great service (not that id ever want to make you feel pressured or whatever else is not very good 💖🙂‍↕️)

This ask made me kick my feet and giggle happily! 😊 I'm glad you like it so much! Thank youuuu! <3

I hope the first snippet doesn't make Lando look like some sort of dark guy, because he is actually super sweet. Oscar needs some time to believe it though. Honestly, in this story, Lando is pining like hell and it takes Oscar ages to figure out his feelings. It's a fluffy slowburn with lots of angst.

I can't wait to show it to you all. This thing is massive...

I'm 36K words in now. And I'm not done yet. I hope to finish it before the deadline (4th of Feb), but I highly doubt it, so I will probably be cutting it in parts.

Have another snippet for now! The last one until the release on the 10th of February:

----

Lando swings the backpack over his own shoulder. “Come on, let’s bring Charlotte her stuff. And then you’re going to go rest until we’re leaving port.”

Oscar is about to protest, but the Captain raises his eyebrows at him. The swordman closes his mouth, seeing the warning for what it is.

He follows the Captain to the common room, where they find Charlotte. She looks up from the wooden compass she is carving.

“And he’s alive! I told you he would be fine,” the blond woman says. Lando puts the backpack down on the table in front of her.

“He is injured and you let him go out,” the Captain grumbles. Oscar grimaces at the frustrated tone in his voice.

“He said he was fine,” Charlotte says.

“And you listened?” Lando grits out.

Oscar doesn’t like the charged conversation. Charlotte didn’t do anything wrong. If the Captain is angry at him, he should lash out at Oscar, and not at Charlotte.

He places a hand on Lando’s shoulder. “Please don’t be mad at her… She told me not to go. I persuaded her…”

The tension bleeds out of the Captain, and at the same time he freezes. “I- you-” His shoulders sag in defeat. Charlotte is staring at them with wide eyes.

And then Oscar realizes he touched the Captain without thinking. He takes his hand off and awkwardly hangs it by his side. He didn’t mean to do that.

All the anger is suddenly gone from Lando’s body. It’s interesting to watch the change in behavior.

“I’m getting a snack,” he says with a tight voice, before leaving Oscar and Charlotte behind to go to the kitchen. The swordman watches him go with a confused frown.

The blond woman giggles.

Oscar sits down opposite of her. “Is he alright?” he asks Charlotte softly. “He’s just having a little crisis. He needs a moment,” she says with a smile.

---

The tales they tell about us - WIP - part of the Landoscar Fest 2024-2025. Prompt: Pirate AU

[bcdrawsandwrites]

(Please reblog if you want to, do not repost! Do not post to Pinterest!)

[ID: A Team Fortress 2 fanfic cover featuring a render of Pyro and Spy standing back-to-back in profile, with Pyro facing left and Spy facing right, standing against a dark purple background. Spy is smoking. Both characters have a yellow/orange rim lighting. Above them is the title of the fic, Flickering, glowing the same glowing yellow/orange. /end ID]

Fandom: Team Fortress 2

Rating: K+

Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Friendship

Characters: Spy, Pyro, all the other mercs, and Miss Pauling (primarily Spy and Pyro, but everyone else has important moments too)

Warnings: TF2-typical violence, PTSD, panic attacks, trauma in general (none of these guys are okay)

Description: After the events of the comics, the mercs try to go back to how things were, but it's never that easy.

Spy can see his teammates going through their own struggles… but something seems to be very, very wrong with Pyro in particular.

And since no one else seems to be doing anything about this, Spy makes it his mission to get to the bottom of what is troubling Pyro. For no particular reason.

Beta Readers: @mechmolar, @gonturan0, @junuve (Teeth (mechmolar) also did the render for the cover!)

Notes: This fic is legit like around 80% complete already because it takes me forever to actually post anything these days. I'll be posting new chapters as I feel like it. It'll be around 10 chapters in total. Also, Pyro is nonhuman and uses it/its pronouns in this fic. Okay? Okay.

---

Prologue

They were pretty sure they knew what awaited them when they got to Gray Mann's base. Or, Spy was sure, anyway. Mann was after the same Australium they were, and they'd be interrogated for what little they knew. And he wasn’t going to get that information out of them easily.

Spy’s tongue nudged one of his fake teeth. The time would come for that eventually.

His suspicions were confirmed when Demo, still distraught from the loss of Sniper, was dragged out by a couple of the enemy mercs, who snickered over the ways they could "make him talk."

That left him, Miss Pauling, Soldier, Zhanna, and Pyro, all of them chained up in a tiny room, waiting out their fate.

Well, until that thing entered.

It was the other team's pyro. Their Pyro perked up with an interested hum when it saw the other, only to jump—as much as it could with its feet chained to the floor—when the enemy pyro removed its face.

Spy had, admittedly, been caught off-guard, but rolled his eyes immediately after. This was not like their Pyro. This one was a human—a woman, her face scarred with old burns and one eye missing, her hair pepper gray with half her scalp scarred over. The fact that she was human had startled him more than any disfigurement could have.

Of course, he had to remind himself that his team was the exception, as always. They'd become so accustomed to the incredibly strange nature of their comrade that it felt eerie to actually see a human behind a similar mask.

Pyro must have felt the same, with the way it tilted its head with a hum of consternation.

The woman stared at it in turn. "Hm. This one seems promising."

Miss Pauling's head shot up, but Spy nudged her and subtly shook his head.

Unfortunately, Soldier was not on their wavelength. "That one? HAH! If you need a building burned to the ground, maybe! But Pyro doesn't talk!"

One of the woman's eyebrows raised in interest. "Really."

Spy shut his eyes, imagining himself flipping open his butterfly knife and driving it through Soldier's throat.

"Nope! It's completely incomprehensible! It can’t tell you anything! The rest of us won’t, either—we will not yield under torture, especially not me. Though I'd love to see you try!"

"Soldier, no!" Zhanna cried. "I must be tortured first!"

But the enemy pyro did not respond to them—likely still staring at their Pyro. "It doesn't, eh?" she said, putting a heavy emphasis on the pronoun. "Good. I like a challenge."

Seconds later, several robots filed into the room, immediately heading for Pyro and unlocking its shackles from the floor. Pyro mumbled something at them.

"Wait, no!" Soldier cried. "Pick me, pick me! I'm a good challenge!"

But the robots paid them no mind as they escorted Pyro out, and Spy cracked an eye open to see it showed no signs of worrying about what was about to happen. The door slammed shut, and he let out a sigh, tipping his head back. "Soldier, you are going to get us all killed."

"We're gonna die anyway!" Soldier protested. "We can at least go down fighting!"

"We are not going to go down fighting, you imbecile. We are—" He stopped himself there, deciding he didn't particularly want to reflect on their fates with someone who wasn't going to care anyway.

"Poor Pyro," Miss Pauling murmured. "What are they going to do to it?"

Spy shrugged. "Better it than us." He lowered his voice. "With luck, they'll waste several hours trying to get information out of it before they realize Soldier, idiot that he is, was more-or-less telling the truth. That may buy us some time."

"You think we can still get out of this?" she whispered, hope edging into her voice.

"Not likely. We're probably delaying the inevitable." His tongue nudged one of his molars.

"We'll have to hope.” Miss Pauling sighed, staring at the door. "I guess Demo or Pyro could break out."

Spy barely resisted the urge to snort. "The drunkard? Not likely. Pyro? Who knows."

"I still can't imagine what they would do to it."

Spy tipped his head back to regard the ceiling for a moment. "Who can say? Waterboarding, perhaps?” A random guess, and he snorted at the absurdity of it. “Though I struggle to imagine what could break that creature."

"Neither could the Administrator. That's one of the reasons she recruited it." Miss Pauling shook her head. "If that's the case, maybe it'll find a way to break out. And break us out of here."

"Unless it decides to burn down the whole base with us inside. Regardless, resisting torture and breaking free are two different things. But we shall see."

Soldier groaned. "But when's it gonna be my turn to get tortured for information?"

"Will be our turn soon," Zhanna reassured him.

Spy heaved a sigh, and Miss Pauling shut her eyes.

They sat in uncomfortable silence (save for Soldier and Zhanna's chatter) for some time, Spy keeping an eye on the door while Miss Pauling stared at the floor, lost in her own thoughts.

The minutes ticked on. For how long, Spy was uncertain—he couldn't reach his watch to read it, and the feeling of dread in the air was not helping with their perception of time. Next to him, Miss Pauling occasionally muttered to herself, and every so often he could pick up phrases.

"...and we could go back to Australia, and..."

"...if Scout or Heavy are still out there..."

"...and Sniper could... wait, no..."

Sighing, he almost considered tuning her out, but it was a good distraction from his nicotine cravings, at least.

At some point, she raised her head. "Where is it?"

Spy raised an eyebrow. "Hm?"

"Pyro. They've been keeping it for a long time."

"Yes. Demo has been gone for some time, too."

"Yeah, but... they can get information out of him." She turned to face him again, and an unspoken question hung in the air.

Spy returned her gaze. "Miss Pauling, if you are under the impression that we are in the hands of anyone other than violent sadists, I do not know what to tell you."

Before she could react, the door burst open.

“I VOLUNTEER!” Soldier cried, straining against his manacles.

But instead of their captors, Pyro stumbled into the room.

Spy would have hoped that it had indeed broken loose and come to rescue them had it not been for the fact that its hands were shackled behind its back.

The robots escorted Pyro to the end of the bench, where they shackled its feet to the floor. Meanwhile, the enemy pyro stepped into the room.

"Finally!" Soldier exclaimed. "You've had your turn, Pyro. Now it's mine!"

"Our turn," Zhanna corrected.

With an unfriendly smile, the woman turned to face them. "If you insist."

While the robots got to work escorting the two least intelligent people out of the room, Spy and Miss Pauling looked over their recently-returned companion. "Pyro?" Miss Pauling whispered. "You okay, buddy?"

Pyro said nothing, sitting still on the bench and facing forward.

"...Well, it looks okay, anyway." Miss Pauling shrugged. "Guess the Administrator was right."

"Hm." Spy's eyes narrowed as he continued to look Pyro over. While it was true that it looked more-or-less uninjured—the suit was a little roughed up, but that was it—he couldn't be too sure that it was unharmed. The enemy wouldn't have just done nothing with it, and the way Pyro did not answer them, nor even respond to its surroundings, was not encouraging.

Nor was the fact that it was trembling.

But before he could analyze Pyro's behavior any further, the doors burst open again, and this time a barely-coherent Demo was practically dragged into the room.

In the whirlwind of events that followed, the torture that their fellow mercs had endured was nearly all but forgotten.

But it would not stay that way.

[kairiscorner]

(reblogs are greatly appreciated, it helps get my content out there! if you guys like what you see, please reblog it too <:D)

mfw the rest couldn't fit in one post, so imagine:

atsv babes with an insomniac partner (part 2!)

(part 1)

pav would have received a miss call from you, which you regretted later because you knew how worried he gets when he misses a call or a message from you. the minute he heard his ringtone and watched as the light faded from his phone, he panicked when he saw your caller id and immediately called you back, even if it was 1:15 am when you called. you answered, because of course, what could you do? you didn't wanna worry him anymore, you wanted to explain you called randomly because you couldn't sleep, but boy was asking you questions a mile a minute. "babeareyouokayimsosrryicouldntpickupiwassleepingohareyouokaypleasebeokayimissyouandiloveyouandifyoustillneedmeimhereaaaaahpleasetalktomeee" he said that all in one damn breath, and the only thing you could pick up was the "are you okay" and "please talk to me". "i'm sorry, pav, it's just... i called you because i had trouble sleeping." you admitted, a little ashamed of yourself that you called and worried him for such a minor detail, or at least, a minor detail to you. to pav, it was okay to have done that, not a lot of people are in their right state of mind when they're running on a body that's barely slept and can't sleep. if anything, he's happy he was the first one you thought of telling and confiding in about it, it goes to show you trust him and want him to know. "love... it's okay. i'll be here for anything and everything you're going through, even if i can only help at a distance right now, i'll never fail to meet you halfway. i'm spider man, after all, i can do everything for you a thousand times over, just ask me to do something for you, and i'd do it." he told you over the phone, which relieved you so damn much. "would you... be willing to listen to me ramble all night until i sleep...?" you asked seriously, but you wouldn't blame him if he didn't want to. but, surprisingly and unsurprisingly, he said yes. "and hear your voice and have a peek of your mind? yes!" he beamed as he settled in his bed, hoping to hear your voice all night, until the instant you both finally doze off.

hobie would have probably caught you leaving your house in the middle of the night while out on the streets as spider man. "hey, what are you doin' out here? last time i checked, you were on a curfew you so religiously follow. not that i'm upholding authoritarian rule over adolescents by shirty 'rents... but i'm a li'il worried, y'know? you good?" he asked in a concerned tone as you avoided his gaze. "not... exactly." you croak out as you look up at him. "well, lemme hear it. wait, before that..." he muttered as he gently grabbed hold of you by the waist and swiftly swung the two of you up to the roof of a tall apartment complex. you screamed as hobie smirked. "still not used to it? that's ar'ight. sorry for startlin' you, love." he said as you breathed in and out heavily as he still held you in his arms. he sat down by the edge of the building's roof and took off his mask, patting down a spot on his side for you to sit down. "so... what's wrong?" he asked again as he caressed your cheek with his palm. "i can't fall asleep." you said briefly in an exhausted manner. he nodded as he looked at your sullen face. "well, tomorrow's a weekend, innit? how about you and i make the night ours?" he suggested with a comforting smirk on his face. you raised an eyebrow at the suggestion. "we can go anywhere you want tonight, do anything you want--my treat." he said as he stood up and extended you a hand. "let me help you live a little more, so what's one night of not sleeping? a whole world of possibilities, is what." he said with a small chuckle as you smiled up at him. "take me away then, spider man." you say as he mutters a, 'wicked' underneath his breath. he holds you close as you cling on to him, and he swings you all around the city; taking deep plunges and high jumps--the wind behind your hair as you two scream into the night in excitement and adventure; he may not be very consistent, but if you ever wanted, he'd stop everything he was doing and take you out for an adventure, just for the two of you in your own world in the night.

[tallovines]

"Shower"

sorry for not posting anything all day. i havent really been feeling alright lately, but i did write something at least.

its a vent story though,,, theres some content warnings id like to mention :

selfharm

non-sexual nudity

a lot of the stuff here is just self projection if that says anything

all of the stuff is very much there, not implied, so please be aware

the story will be under the cut :

I was staying at Violet’s place for the night. I just wanted to be with him– didn’t feel like being on my own. Plus, I was worried he’d stay all night, working at the foundation. Lately, he’s been so busy… busy working on that flower he’s got. Damn thing doesn’t even have a number designation yet, said that the anomaly seemed similar to some other anomaly we had on site. The keyword being had, but to be sure, they didn’t give it a number in case of it actually being an offset. 

Point was, he’s been busy. I could see how much it was stressing him out, how little sleep he got. I was worried, alright. But I knew that he’d at least go to his place if I offered to stay over.

Surprise, surprise. He let me stay, and I went to his place.

Violet doesn’t have enough space in his apartment to have a guest bedroom, so I always just sleep in his bed. I offer each time to sleep on his couch, but he’d feel bad. I don’t mind sleeping on the same bed with him though. It feels less lonely at night when I do.

So here I sit, alone on his full-sized bed. The sheets are a nice, pastel purple, nothing too bright, nor too dark. They were simple if you could put it like that. I hear the shower running. 

Showering helps Violet sleep. I know this because he showers before he goes to sleep every time I stay over. I’ve noticed he genuinely can’t bring himself to sleep if he doesn't take a shower or any sort of bath.

Violet takes longer in the shower than usual.

The most Violet ever takes in the shower is probably 30 minutes. I was starting to get worried. 

I climb out of the bed to go check on him. The room is dark, but I see a faint light. The bathroom door wasn’t locked; Violet must’ve forgotten to close it. I get closer to the door, to open it, to check up on him.

But there is a noise.

I could’ve easily missed it– the droplets of water pang hard onto the shower floor. It was loud. However, listening a bit more carefully…

Sob… then a wince.

I had, at first, believed my ears were deceiving me. It was quiet, faint. I could’ve very much just misheard the shower. But again–

Sob… then a wince.

That one couldn’t have been just my ears. Something had to have been wrong with Violet.

At that moment, I felt wrong– gross, but I had to check in. I had to check up on Violet. I open the doors in a rush of worry. I try my hardest not to look so hard, but it’s like it was looking at me.

Violet, sat on one of the ledges in his bathtub. The water below appears red. I look at his face just to not keep looking at everything else too hard. His purple hair, wet, but appearing slightly curled as per usual. He’s not wearing his glasses; he’s not wearing his makeup. You could tell he’s been crying. His face says a different story though.

Horror. Shock. A child being caught past bedtime. 

Upon realizing what just happened, Violet stares at me, blankly. A small clank can be heard; a small, pink eyebrow razor hits the bathtub floor.

“J-James?” Stutters escape Violet’s mouth– he can’t speak properly.

The shower keeps going, the water must be getting cold by now. The bathtub still gets stained red. Mindlessly, I walk over.

What did I expect? Violet’s body remains bare. Cuts varying in size can also be seen, scattered across his thighs and waist. He still stares at me, a bloodied deer in headlights.

No words escape my mouth. I start to gently clean his body. No force was used. Soap and bubbles trail against his body, and he occasionally winces, but mostly cries. 

I finish cleaning him, and shut off the already cold shower. Quiet babbles escape the crying researcher. Usually so smart, reduced down to a crying child. I carry him out, clothes already wet from washing him. I grab his, also purple, towel, and begin to dry him. First, a light pat on his face. Then his hair, and the rest of his body. I make sure not to use too much force, while still trying to get him dry.

Searching the cabinets in his bathroom, I found bandage. I wrap both of his thighs in care, not too tight, but not soft enough to slip in his sleep. I cover his waist in bandaids.

I grab the clothes he had set aside. Underwear first. Violet allowed me to go. Next, a shirt for a music artist he really liked. Violet always loves to sleep in those. The last two things I put on him were some normal shorts, and his glasses. He sat still, almost like a dress-up doll. We did this quite often, minus the part where he’d be crying and bandaged, but he was used to everything else.

Still quietly crying, he attempts to stand up, and walk back to his room. When I’m sure he isn’t looking, I go back to the bathtub, and grab his razor, making sure to hide it somewhere. 

We reach his bedroom, and he sits down on the bed first. I make sure to quickly change my shirt.

“James, I–”

Sitting down on the bed, I shush him. He continues to cry.

I hug him, allowing for him to cry. I didn’t need an explanation or anything from him. I just wanted him to be okay. Sniffles can be heard; tears moisten my previously dry shirt.

It reached a point where I could barely hear Violet crying anymore. I softly lift him away, and remind him to take his sleeping medication. We had work the next day, so he accepted. After taking his medication, he removes his glasses, and scoots some of the plushies on his bed away, so he could more comfortably lay down.

He gestures wanting to cuddle; I did it, no question. 

I feel him fall asleep in my arms. I don’t sleep yet, worried he may wake up again, or something of the sort. I wanted to savor the moment, to remember how he felt in my arms.

After a while, I can’t deny how I feel anymore, and go off to sleep as well.

Not before leaving a small kiss on his forehead, of course.

[rainbowsandwhumperflies]

The Winged Servant Masterlist

Synopsis: Onyx, a 23 year old angel, has served Her Majesty Queen Lucia for as long as he can remember. It takes an overthrow attempt gone wrong to realize that what she’s been doing to him isn’t the usual treatment for servants.

General tropes in the series: royalty whump, non-human whumpee (wings), multiple caretakers, most of the story will probably be recovery, first person perspective (from whumpee's pov) (this means it'll say "I/me/my" instead of "he/him/his")

I usually update each Sunday, but my life does occasionally get busy so I am not the most reliable about this lol. Whenever I do post, I post a poll within the next half hour or so where you can tell me which chapter you want to see next, so you can watch out for those if you want! ^^

Also I made a pie chart to that everyone knows what to expect from this series!

[image description: a pie chart that is labeled with about 15% plot, 35% whump, and 50% fucked up character dynamics /end id]

Chapters:

(x) Chapter 1: an introduction to the story and Onyx

(x) Chapter 2: Onyx delivers breakfast to the queen

(x) Chapter 3: Onyx tries to clean for the princes. The key word here is "tries"

(x) Chapter 4: Ryan interrupts Onyx when Onyx is supposed to be doing dishes

(x) Chapter 5: Onyx gets corrected on how to be the best servant he can!

(x) Chapter 6: dinner and plot set up

(x) Chapter 7: Onyx is lucky enough to leave the house for once :)

(x) Chapter 8: The twins cause problems, as per usual.

(x) Chapter 9: The twins cause even more problems!

(x) Chapter 10: What's this? A person that meets Onyx and doesn't immediately decide he's deserving of every bad thing??

(x) Chapter 11: awww medical care :)

(x) Chapter 12: An interrogation! With a lot of lore.

(x) Chapter 13: Breakfast time!!

(x) Chapter 14: Onyx is Really Normal about eating a crepe.

(x) Chapter 15: Onyx takes a nap!

(x) Chapter 16: Onyx meets one of Kieran's servants

Other writing:

(x) Whumptober 2024: Ember processing grief in a Very Normal way

(x) Whumptober 2024: Onyx sunburn drabbles

(x) Ryan drabble during the overthrow

(x) Onyx's 19th birthday (during his time as a servant)

(x) Whumptober 2023: Onyx has a fever (post-servantry) (theoretically a chapter but very far in the future)

(x) Servant Training: Why isn't Onyx allowed to clean for Ryan?

That one time Onyx got sick during his time as a servant (part 1) (part 2)

Other:

(x) Official Timeline of the years leading up to chapter one

(x) Onyx official drawing and picrew!

More Onyx doodles: 1

(x) Picrews and drawings of the Raos!

Rao doodles: 1

Kieran doodles: 1

(x) Onyx fanart by the lovely toyybox :)

(x) Ryan fanart by the lovely ihavetapeworms :)

Ryan asks: 1 | 2

Onyx asks: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4

Kieran asks: 1

asks for multiple characters: 1 | 2 | 3

anything tagged "ask game" is still something i will still happily accept asks from, no matter how old :)

Taglist: (lmk if you'd like to be added/taken off!)

@kaleidoscope-of-thoughts @toyybox @rainydaywhump @risk606 @jay--o

@fuckcapitalismasshole @cepheusgalaxy

Please let me know if you notice any broken links :)

[joemama-2]

I KNEW IT!! I knew one of the reasons why reader didnt tell him was because of satoru not fighting for her, i dont blame her honestly after everything they went through and he just agreed to break up, yeah i totally understand reader, it 100% gives reader the idea that he didnt care about what they had. So i really dont blame her for not telling him. And I knew this whole thing with Himari was an arranged marriage, I was thinking that maybe Satoru doesn't know about the marriage. It's obvious Satoru doesn't really care about Himari, as Himari stated they've broken up many times and she chases him, he never chases her, his comments he's made seem really bland when it comes to Himari, and even Suguru being like "tell your friend to leave" and Himari got mad and was like "girlfriend not friend" and Suguru just laughed and was like "yeah sure" 😭💀 even when Suguru said he saw a girl and satoru being like "was she hot??" That's not something you say if ur in a committed relationship yk. And he's always ignoring her so🤷‍♀️ i think the only reason hes taken her back is because she throws herself at him and he obviously needs something to handle the stress and stuff....🤷‍♀️ that's what it looks like to me. I think Satoru doesn't know about the marriage, Himari definitely knows. But again there was also Himari's comment that was like "future son in law" and he didn't say anything, so he might know and just not happy about it, and that could also be why he "takes her back" free Satoru 😭

Thank you Satoru's mom for being the only nice and smart one in this situation. We love you.

I also think Satorus parents like reader more then Himari, it was said they were nice to her but they knew reader had a different background so she wouldn't be able to be like a public figure to the company, but it was never said they didn't like her. I'm really hoping his dad gets some sense knocked into him.

Oh god I'm so scared about what's going to happen, Himaris family are crazy and id knew they'd try something to really hurt her and satoru and koji. IM SO SCARED!!! Please don't separate them I beg 😭😭🙏

Plz plz let Satoru help reader, they need their happy ending and they need to stick with each other until the end😭🙏

Also I think Gojos mom is onto something, she mentioned Himari or her family is behind it, when satoru learned about Koji he disappeared, everyone called Himari asking where he was, it could be possible that Himari's parents or someone who works for them hired someone(Mei Mei) to find Satoru, and then Mei posted it before meeting with whoever hired her. 👀 these are just my thoughts I could be wrong.

Also reader doesn't have a relationship with her family, so that could play into this whole thing as well. 👀👀

Thank you for the beautiful chapter, thank you reading my thoughts, ily I'm so excited to see what's to come 🩵🩵

hiiii! beautiful analysis as always. 🫶 i think akane definitely leans more towards thinking about the feelings and peoples lives at risk in situations than her husband who tends to think very businesslike all the time. it makes sense since he’s the CEO

but himari and her parents are definitely shady and untrustworthy. they may or may not be involved in something huge later on in the future that changes a lot (pray for reader and koji and satoru 🥺)

in a way, they do favor reader more, but as i delve more into satoru and y/n’s past relationship, you’ll feel conflicted about his parents because of the things they said to reader back then

and finally, as for himari and satoru. a lot of it is up in there air and unspecified as of now bc i haven’t gotten too much into it. but i think one fact remains pretty obvious, himari is more in love with satoru than he is with her. the whole thing in the first chapter, i put that in because i already wanted my readers to have a good understanding of their relationship from the get go

for the arranged marriage comments and future son in law one from himari, gojo isn’t stupid. he knows what’s expected of him, how his life has been pretty much preplanned for him and etc

and i mean cmon, he jerked off to the thought of y/n and he even acknowledged how fucked up that was. boy does a lotttttt of questionable things for a so called “taken” man

[borealissstar]

Es, Milgram Project, & Freud's Psychoanalytical Theory

I'm going to preface this by saying,

1. I'm very poor at wording my thoughts, so please excuse me on that. 2. This is my first text post on here, so apologies if it sucks. 3. I'm in no way a professional in psychology, so I do apologize if I mix any information up. Do remember to always do your own research, but I will try my best to be accurate.

Freud's term for "ID" in German is "das Es". His other terms translations follow the "das ___" format. In psychoanalytical theory, as posed by Freud, ID is apart of the unconscious of our psyche. ID is our desires & instincts. It is the part of ourselves that is self-serving essentially. It's interesting how along with this, in Jackolope's "This is the MILGRAM", he tells Es "It's all right, just trust your instincts". He also tells Es throughout the series things like "don't hesitate" and "There's no need to think so much on making the judgement".

In this theory, Superego is our morals. It is mostly located in the preconscious of our psyche. It is our sense of right & wrong, it is the morals instilled in us. It's our ideals & instilled principles.

Lastly, we have Ego. Our Ego operates on a preconscious & conscious level. Ego is the mediator between the former two. For example, if we were to consider the prior two optimism & pessimism, Ego would be realism. It ensures our actions are realistic & optimal. It's our rationality, making sure our decisions are the best ones to take (for ourselves & others). Throughout Es's song Undercover, the chorus references Ego. This is with the lines "To know someone, to bind them in their EGO" & "Shouldn't you look beyond your EGO, before it all ends?". However, this could just be referring to the other type of Ego.

I'm unsure if this theory truly has anything to do with Milgram, or more specifically Es, but I do think it holds some sort of weight & I find the parallels interesting. I hope this is an interesting read & would love to hear thoughts on this🫶.

[theswiftheartsystem]

(New!) The Swift Heart System Introduction💙

cw: syscourse, and general discourse.

Basic Information:

Collective Name: Refer to us as Swift Heart if not sure!

Collective Pronouns: They/Them, or Ask!

Collective Gender: Pangender, GenderFluid, and genders along that spectrum are all okay with us 👍

We are white, afab and American, keep in mind our perspective is based around our personal experience, and what we have learned about.

Alter Count at the moment: Around 400, but we are aware it’s more, we don’t really care much about alter count all things considered lol.

Host: As of now, none! Even when we have one it isn’t very long!

Origin: Traumagenic

Disorders that we have: DID (what this blog is mainly about), BPD, Autism, C-PTSD, GAD, and possibly OCD (although we would lie to discuss it with a therapist/psychiatrist beforehand for personal comfort!)

Extra: We are Pro-Endo!!!! Although we cannot stop you from interacting if you are anti-endo, We kindly request you please just block us and move on if you have a problem with that.

About Us:

Why are we pro-endo?: When we were first discovering our system we were desperate to be “real enough” and accepted. Although the first system we discussed plurality with was pro-endo, they left the internet shortly after we opened up, and this lead us to being around sysmeds. To prove ourselves we purposely forced ourselves to remember trauma which put us in a worse position mentally. It took a long time, but through working to accept ourselves, we realized how bigoted we were being, which lead us to question a lot of things, such as our beliefs on endogenic plurality. Although we have gone a long way, some of our alters do not agree with us because it got so drilled into our mind that “endogenic systems are somehow just traumagenic and don’t remember” (which is a incredibly misinformed and harmful.)

What do we plan to talk about on this blog?: Really whatever we feel like! We may talk about Syscourse, plural positivity, advice from personal experience, our trauma, special interests and hyperfixations, ect. If we want to talk about it we probably will. (Although we always try to put the proper trigger and content warnings, and if we miss one by accident please tell us so we can add it as soon as possible!)

How to contact us/ask us a question: DMs are normally open unless a situation is happening! Along with that, feel free to use the ask me anything button, comment section on posts, or reblogs!

Mistakes on post: If we make a mistake, please inform us! We are always open to editing post (and do quite a bit), and we aren’t perfect, and especially if we say something bigoted, please correct us we are always open to learning about these topics, and acknowledge that we are privileged in certain ways. We would rather delete a long post we worked hard on if it is harmful then keep it up and go “wellll- it doesn’t affect me personally”

What are we “Pro” on:

We are obviously pro-endo!

We are pro self help. Although we think therapy is beneficial in many ways, not everyone can get a good therapist, wether that’s for financial reasons, none near you, or ableism, racism, sexism, ect in the medical/mental health field. Also it can benefit everyone to learn new coping mechanisms! (Please see a doctor if you are ill! You can only help yourself so much! We do not condone refusing to see doctors when you need to!!!

We are pro self diagnosing! (Just please do proper research before so, and even if it turns out you where wrong, you aren’t faking unless you actively attempt to fake.)

We are pro neopronouns and xenogenders!

People with villainized disabilities and/or mental disorders!

What are we “anti” on:

The trans-Id community. We don’t talk about this on this blog due to a lot of these people in this community being children, although we think what they are doing is dangerous and harmful, We would rather not direct harassment towards children. That being said, please do not harass anyone. (Also wanting to add, we are not anti-BIID, BIID is a completely separate thing.)

Bigotry.

”Narcissistic/Borderline/ect abuse” People with personality disorders can be abusive like anyone else can, but the idea of “[PD] abuse” is just to villainies those with Personality Disorders. This stops making sense when you change the disorder. (Example: “Post-Traumatic abuse” this sounds over the top, but we have legitimately seen someone say this.)

Ending:

Thanks for reading! Have a nice day, and remember you are doing great.

[tonydaddingham]

six months on (albeit, a bit late) part 1/3

part one | part two | epilogue (at some point)

hello would you like a stupid-length run down of the final fifteen?

idk about anyone else, but i kinda find myself regularly in a position where i don't know what to think about the final fifteen. i flit from one explanation or opinion to another; there have been so many facets of this sequence discussed that ive even found myself turned around on what i actually think was going on... was aziraphale threatened? did he do a complete 180 on his character development throughout both seasons? does he genuinely buy what metatron is telling him? how does he take crowley's rejection to return to heaven with him?

so back to basics, and because im itching to stretch the meta-writing legs that isn't solely an ask response or a purely batshit speculation - and because throughout writing this, i anticipate that i might surprise myself on how, overall, i interpret the whole scene... going back to basics and simply rewatching the scene (and making copious notes) is in order! just don't expect this to be anything you've necessarily not seen before - there are no revelations in this post.

please also note that this is an incredibly long, winding, and abhorrently lengthy post. no im not actually sorry about it, i needed to write it all out for my own bloody sanity

shall we begin?

so first thing's first: metatron saying his first line as he did indicates that aziraphale has expressed some hesitation. might be his body language, or possibly he's even said as such - something along the lines of, 'id need to discuss it with crowley', or something as simple as, 'im not sure, i need to think'. either way, aziraphale certainly responds to the metatron in a way that would suggest he is excited... but definitely incredulous and nervous.

and as for the metatron terming it as 'good news'; he seems to think that he and aziraphale are on the same page, that they hold the same opinion on whatever they've talked about. given what he later says about crowley, however - plus the borderline-disparaging remarks about going his own way, the Evil Glare™, and how quickly he just accepts that crowley isn't going - suggest that he a) doesn't want crowley in heaven, and b) that he anticipates that crowley will, in fact, consider the offer to return to heaven as very much Bad News Bears, and summarily reject it.

aziraphale starts making his way back to the bookshop, and boy do those expressions tell a story. that is not a happy angel. as soon as he steps off the pavement, his face falls, and his brow tightens in nerves, worry, and possibly even confusion; that to me is a, 'how the fuck am i going to explain this, how am i even going to word it?'. there's a quick, fortifying breath, and he's squaring the shoulders just as he moves out of frame. getting fanciful, that is an angel that is practically steeling himself to do battle; he knows crowley isn't going to like this, knows that it's going to be a hard sell. but what is key is that he does all of this walking away from the metatron, where he can't see - if nothing else, it's a very different expression to the 'excitement' he showed just seconds earlier.

but then he gets into the bookshop, and that expression is gone. for whatever reason, he doesn't want crowley to see it either. he doesn't want crowley to see anything less than joy, confidence, or excitement - he doesn't want to let crowley see that something is wrong/amiss. we then see the metatron, after establishing that muriel might be an adequate replacement to look after the bookshop, look across the street and presumably have a clear view of the two of them in the shop itself.

now, let's talk about crowley for a sec. crowley is equally nervous, and we can presume that it stems from the conversation with nina and maggie - that he needs to start opening communication with aziraphale, especially if anything is to move forward... and the best place to start, we presume (because, ultimately, we don't know for certain what he was going to say or how he was going to word it in this moment) is to propose that he and aziraphale - if nothing else - truly become an 'us'. maybe there's a love confession in there, maybe not. regardless, he's fidgety, but resolute; he even swipes off his glasses to show how committed he is to diving headfirst into this vulnerability that he otherwise keeps under wraps.

aziraphale, whilst crowley is word-vomiting, is immediately starting off with hand movements to get him to slow down, to quieten down, or stop talking altogether. as he does so, he's looking right back out of the shop window, as if he's aware of metatron's reciprocal gaze in. he's doing so with a pretty sincere smile on his face, and that to me is saying a couple of things:

aziraphale, i think, from the moment he set foot in the shop and saw nina and maggie coming back out, possibly already knew where crowley was going with the conversation. he's just watched as crowley practically offered up alpha centauri to gabriel and beelzebub as a refuge, somewhere he's already expressed that he and aziraphale could go to escape the apocalypse. so; to aziraphale's mind, in crowley doing so, a) crowley has chosen to remain on earth come what may - otherwise he'd have kept his chosen prospective bolthole quiet, and b) in the context where crowley offers it to them, as a safe place for two hereditary enemies just like them to love each other in peace, aziraphale recognises that that might have been what crowley wanted for them too. ergo, to my mind, crowley's confession is not necessarily a surprise to aziraphale - i daresay he likely saw it coming

aziraphale does not jump in straight away to interrupt crowley, and nor does he do it with any harsh or abrupt language. he wants to revisit this conversation - literally the meaning of 'hold that thought' - but what he has to say takes precedence. and to be fair, depending on how we interpret the preceding scene with the metatron (and what is revealed in the flashback conversation), it is arguably a more pressing matter to discuss, especially if it concerns their respective safeties... but it's a conversation he wants to return to

that being said, if aziraphale does know that the confession is inbound, the fact that he would treat it as somewhat of a joking matter - especially given how uncomfortable and fervent crowley's own demeanour is - is a bit... nasty? aziraphale has definitely, on previous occasions, expressed flashes of superiority over crowley, but i don't think this is a situation where he does feel superior... not at all. instead, again, considering how he quickly cheers up his expression when he enters the shop, this to me is aziraphale trying to mask his own discomfort, panic, and worry. he's keeping this whole thing as light and airy as he possibly can.

we then move on to aziraphale telling crowley he has some "incredibly good news" to give him... which, okay, sure, it might be that aziraphale is anticipating it to be good news. but again, the expression outside the shop? if he was that confident that crowley would be jumping for joy at the merest suggestion of returning to heaven, the conflicted expressions of worry and trepidation would, presumably, not have happened. so, i once again can only take this line to be aziraphale trying to dress it up with excitement. and i say dress it up because... we've seen aziraphale beside himself with excitement, right? and this is not it. this (first two snips) is aziraphale being giddy with excitement, or at least a job well done, not the latter clip:

aziraphale is barely able to get the words out properly after this point, he's nigh incoherent, and his hand movements indicate he's practically frantic... someone who normally, even when nervous or uncomfortable, keeps his hands quite close to his body, clasped comfortingly in front of him or stiff at his sides. we then furthermore have what he seems to mouth in the midst of this flurry of movement and mumbling, which, yes, is speculation but i rather much stand by it so far... and as such, seems to match his expression outside of the bookshop of, 'what the fuck am i going to say'.

also worth noting, to his credit, that crowley is being remarkably patient throughout all of this - i think he potentially does recognise that something is amiss? the 'somethings wrong' voice? recognises that despite himself being interrupted from something really quite important, aziraphale is evidently... not himself.

what intrigues me however, before we get into the meat of aziraphale and metatron's conversation, is how aziraphale words this particular bit:

because aziraphale catches himself before he says something potentially rather offensive, and then turns it back on himself. for example: "i don't think he's as bad a fellow as he came across", or "-as we thought he was", compared to aziraphale then backtracking and owning that it was his fault, "i think i might have misjudged him!".

what does it matter if he calls out the metatron for having been an arse in s1? it was a perfectly fair assessment to make, by all accounts, and presumably one that he and crowley had a laugh/bitch over post-s1... why would he recount that particular line? it wouldn't change the sentiment, ultimately - that aziraphale is trying to convey to crowley that the metatron 'is actually kind of alright!' - and it's not like crowley would be offended either way... so, are we to assume that even if the metatron can't hear what he's saying (although i have further speculation on this too, by the by, but this is a little more tentative) aziraphale perhaps fears that he can? in much the same way that he only let his expression truly slip once his back was turned, out on the street?

but then we move onto the offer itself, and the conversation between him and the metatron. aziraphale starts getting into his stride, probably because now he's just simply recounting what actually happened, all supported by the flashbacks we get. aziraphale isn't having to lie, as far as we can tell - he's simply going over the conversation he had. let's break that down:

aziraphale initially seems quite relaxed to be sat opposite metatron, insomuch that he doesnt look overly tense. frankly, he just looks bored, wanting to get this over and done with, likely so he can head back to the bookshop and be left in peace. as he said before they left; he has made his position clear, he wants nothing to do with heaven (at least as it currently is), and this is just a courtesy, to hear out whatever the voice of god has to say. of course, metatron then blindsides aziraphale by saying that - of course - the only option to replace gabriel must be aziraphale.

what is noteworthy is how aziraphale says, "and i said... "me?!"... and he said-". because when we cut back to the flashback, aziraphale's expression has not changed at all. there's no excitement, but more just bafflement and shock... and not one that indicates he's in any way enthusiastic about the idea. the fact that aziraphale chooses to recount that particular 'me?!' the way he does to crowley suggests that he's, quite possibly, putting it on, playing the part, and deliberately overstating his initial reaction - almost like he's trying to hype crowley up in turn. furthermore - aside from all the handwaving and nervous huffs of laughter - aziraphale does not even blink throughout this whole spiel to crowley. just an observation.

metatron gives his bullshit rationalisation for choosing aziraphale - and i say bullshit because from their last interaction in s1, aziraphale arguably did not display much of the qualities that metatron purports he has... if any at all - and aziraphale visibly starts to subtly panic. there's the glance away, his shoulders stiffen, he swallows nervously, breathes heavily. when aziraphale does speak, it's immediately to declare that he doesn't want the position, doesn't want to go back to heaven full stop (very reminiscent of his reaction to the promotion offer in the cut 1800 scene), and gives the excuse of the coffee.

metatron then brings out Les Big Guns. before the metatron says anything else, and without so much as a hint from aziraphale, metatron oh so casually remarks that aziraphale would have the final say on who he works with. he already anticipates that aziraphale's hang-up about going back to heaven may not be in fact the coffee, and tbh may not in fact be anything to do with earth itself, but everything to do with crowley remaining on earth. crowley is however a demon, and in his current form would not be able to go to heaven (which in turn begs another observation - does metatron not know that crowley infiltrated heavily pretty easily earlier in the episode?... hmm).

as such, the obvious solution for the metatron is to drop the fact that he probably knows a lot more about aziraphale and crowley's historic dealings with each other than would otherwise be anticipated. he mentions that he has had the chance to peruse over... recordings? reports? photos? that show the span of aziraphale's relationship with crowley - and unspokenly suggests that he knows everything. and then he offers a very neat, tidy solution to that small 'hes a demon' snag. he tells aziraphale he would have the authority to restore crowley, so he could come with him.

aziraphale, whilst metatron is revealing the scope of his intelligence gathering, looks like he's about to burst into tears. to me? that is horror, and fear - like a frightened animal being suddenly backed into a corner. his eyes start darting everywhere, his face - especially his jaw - tenses, and he looks like he's about to leg it out of his chair at any given moment. and namely, once metatron tells him he could restore crowley to being an angel, we don't see aziraphale's resultant expression at all. it immediately cuts back to the bookshop.

why would aziraphale fear metatron knowing everything about him and crowley? this isn't clear. it may simply be residue fear, muscle memory, from years gone by where their association has had to exist in utmost secret. alternatively, it might be that aziraphale is not comfortable in the knowledge that not only does metatron want something from him (to return to heaven), but that metatron has very accurately landed on aziraphale's pressure point (crowley). this is what i mean when i say, as i have in previous posts, that i don't think there's a missing, overt threat from the metatron that we've not been shown, but that aziraphale feels threatened.

compare this to nearly every spy movie you've ever seen - you want someone to do something for you, but they're resistant? just casually drop that you know that their partner has just had a new haircut, or that their child looked happy going into school that morning, or that their parent is struggling to pay for their medical bills... it's sufficient information enough to instill a sense of peril without being an unclassy, hamfisted, overt threat.

my last thought on the flashbacks; as was said brilliantly in this post (@fearandhatred), i don't think the flashbacks were disingenuous, and i don't believe that there are gaps missing that will be revealed in s3. but i do think that there are some key things that aziraphale might not have actually told crowley in his recount of the conversation. crowley responds in his next line specifically to the offer of restoration... so, did aziraphale even tell him about the metatron knowing all about them? their "de facto partnership", their "previous exploits"? because personally, i don't think he did. once again - the narrative irony that we as the audience have the full story, but crowley potentially does not.

but anyway; back to the bookshop.

...okay, aziraphale. right. i mean, first of all, crowley is just as taken aback, shocked, and incredulous as aziraphale seems to have been during the flashbacks. but aziraphale? everything has slowed down, almost calmed, like the eye of the storm has passed over. he almost looks less manic, less (frankly) deranged, and seems to actually be settling in the fact that the offer itself might actually be a good thing - something that crowley might in fact want. it's still not quite right, he's still not quite acting in a way that makes me think aziraphale's being entirely forthcoming with crowley.

the way he says that crowley could "come back" is soft and gentle, as if he's granting the most amazing, positively astounding opportunity - that heaven is doing something that it has never (as far as we or aziraphale, presumably, is aware) done before, and welcoming crowley back... like it's equal parts forgiveness towards crowley for having done whatever he did (im deliberately trying to keep this concept very vague and objective), and apology to crowley for a punishment that far outweighed any possible 'crime' he could have committed... like heaven is attempting to make reparations for what they did to him in the fall.

putting this outside the main body because it's another slight tangent. we know that crowley being good, nice, and/or kind is not necessarily indicative that crowley should or ought to be an angel. there are shades of grey. however, i do think aziraphale... still has issues with that. still has issues with aligning what he thinks good is, how intrinsically important being good is to him, and then where crowley sits in the midst of all of it - almost like aziraphale accepts that he himself may be in the grey, accepts his shortcomings, but where crowley is concerned aziraphale readily glosses over a number of his... not-so-nice bits. this might stem from aziraphale believing that it's more palatable to love crowley if he believes him to essentially be an angel in all but name, but i don't think it's quite that. more that aziraphale maybe thinks that 'good' is the ideal to hold, that heaven is the place that was meant to be good, and that crowley himself is good... so... well, isn't it the logical conclusion that crowley would want to return to heaven?

so going back to this bit of the scene: i don't think aziraphale ever wanted crowley to revert back to factory settings, never even considered the notion, nor necessarily thought that crowley would be better as an angel... but instead perhaps that being an angel again is what crowley would want. that it would be nothing more, really, than a rubber stamp in his personnel file. i think aziraphale was simply remembering the angel that was joyful in creating, surrounded himself in the exaltation of imagining new and wonderful things, bringing them to life; why wouldn't, in its most basic essence, aziraphale want that for crowley again? for crowley to be back where - as far as aziraphale likely remembers - he was at his happiest? and if he has the power to give it, like the metatron said, isn't that the greatest gift aziraphale could ever bestow upon him?

if we accept, as the whole final fifteen scene is intimating pretty strongly thus far, that aziraphale is trying to keep his panic and fear about the whole situation under wraps from crowley, it simultaneously makes sense that he would offer this to crowley as if he's saying:

'here's a wonderful thing that im pretty certain you've always wanted; please, just this once, don't ask questions about anything else, please just concentrate on this, i can handle everything else. just please say yes to coming back with me, i need you to come back. you can be happy, and i can sort out heaven, so that one day we can just simply walk away and never have to look over our shoulders. i'm scared, but i don't really have a choice, and tbh im even more scared what might happen if i leave you behind.'

but as metatron, i think, clearly anticipates, and as i think aziraphale truthfully does too as he first heads into the bookshop, this was never going to be something that crowley would accept. it's not something crowley wants. crowley - for whatever reason (again, in the absence of knowing anything concrete about the fall, keeping this deliberately vague) - was rejected by heaven in the most literal sense possible. slapping him with an angel stamp and dressing him in a white suit means nothing of value to him, and is the furthest from what he wants; in fact, actually, if anything, it's the biggest insult he could be afforded. because what has suddenly made him redeemable, palatable, 'forgiveable', in the eyes of heaven? nothing; just that he's a pawn in whatever bargain the metatron is trying to strike with aziraphale... and from crowley's pov, aziraphale has agreed to using him as a game piece. it doesn't confer value onto crowley, if anything it reduces it; in this equation, even if he were to accept the offer, he'd essentially be nothing more than a negotiated benefit for aziraphale to take the job.

(and that's all assuming that restoration would in fact mean crowley gets to continue being him, albeit in fancy white clothes - when there's the very real possibility that, if restoration as a concept even exists at all, heaven would just wipe him and set him off from ground zero all over again. aziraphale seems to have taken the metatron's word for it; that restoration even exists, that aziraphale would have the power to do it, and that it would mean he gets to keep crowley exactly as he is).

at which point... crowley knows that aziraphale didn't turn down the offer in the metaphorical room - "and you told him just where he could stick it, then?"... he's hopeful, possibly, but his expression suggests that he fully anticipates that aziraphale has bought into the crock of shit that metatron has spun him. that aziraphale took the job on the provision that crowley could join him, which crowley points out to be beneath the both of them, "oh, we're better than that- you're better than that, angel!".

aziraphale however, as explained above, sees it as being the best, safest, most opportune option for them both to take; "not at all", said with the tone of surprise that it is, suggests that aziraphale didn't ever consider the possibility of saying no, maybe because he feels that he can't, and never thought that crowley would say no, either. along with the surprise tone however, he says it with a very tense expression - the smile has frozen, and his tense are gritted. it might be that he genuinely thought that crowley would say yes, or because - again, if he's in fear of being overheard - he's worried about the implications of what crowley has just said.

crowley goes on to rant that he turned down hell when beelzebub made a very similar offer to crowley in ep1 (which, by the by, he... didn't. for whatever reason, crowley did not say no, nor any variant of a refusal, to beelzebub), and aziraphale remarks that that's a given, as "you're the bad guys".

now... i wince at this particular line every time i watch the final fifteen, as im sure everyone else does, but i don't think it's - at all - meant in the way that crowley likely receives it. certainly not in the way that the majority of the audience seems to have received it.

im not set to diminish or invalidate, on crowley's part, how it must feel to hear aziraphale still consider him a 'bad guy', simply because he's a demon. but from aziraphale's perspective, crowley is a demon, and demons are of hell. hell are not the good guys, as a collective - as has been proven time and time again - and, well, if heaven are meant to be the good guys, hell are by process of elimination the bad guys. once again, aziraphale arrives a rather binary conclusion of good vs. evil.

but equally consider that this is also the aziraphale that regularly compliments crowley on his niceness and his good deeds. that same aziraphale does not think of crowley as 'a bad guy'. he is blunt that crowley is of hell, who are the collective bad guys, because hell is the bad side to the heaven that was meant to be the good side. and as said above - crowley is good! he's a good person! he might be a demon, of hell, but he belongs on the side of good! which leads to this lovely little number:

throughout this whole part of their discussion, aziraphale has presented as more and more sure, less panicky and nervous - because i think this is something that he absolutely believes. he might have initially not wanted anything to do with heaven, but now? with the possibility that crowley could join him? suddenly then it's viable... lucrative, even - that he could fix heaven, that crowley could help him do it, they'd be together, and they'd get their happy, safe ending. his expression on "good" would suggest his confusion that crowley doesn't appear to share the same opinion - sure, heaven is shit now, but it was always meant to be good, right?* doesn't crowley see that?

crowley, however, justifiably illustrates that, the way he sees it (and has been demonstrated by the narrative), both sides are as flawed and redundant as each other; aziraphale can be as optimistic as he likes that heaven is redeemable, is fixable, but all crowley can see is that both are so inherently awful, so rotten to the very foundation, that there is no saving them... heaven least of all, for being the side that purports itself to be good. hell, at least, is aware of its very nature; heaven is insidious, and doesn't even have the good grace to acknowledge it, instead chalking it up to being god's will, and therefore whatever they do must be good.

and with that, i think crowley simultaneously starts to really panic - knowing that he's losing aziraphale - and yet hopes against all hope that he's gotten through to him, changed his mind, and begins pleading with him to tell him the exact thing he wants to hear; 'this is a bad idea, please don't do this, please-'

aziraphale is visibly struggling to even collect his thoughts, to even find the words to summarise why he's going to do this. simultaneously, aziraphale is dumbfounded. i think part of that is because he recognises the truth in what crowley is saying, but i also think that he's now in a position where his plan to get crowley to come with him has failed, and he's at a loss for what to do - what to say - next. he looks from crowley, looks out the window, his mouth is working to try and say something, even looks down at his feet, before coming up with the best way he can to explain why he's doing this. "if im in charge... i can make a difference."

*because once again (i'll die on this hill), i don't think aziraphale thinks that heaven as it currently is, is something that is good, light, or truth... but that heaven's intended purpose was to be those things, and is what heaven in essence stands for... irrespective of whoever is in charge. aziraphale has no allegiance to heaven as it currently is. michael, uriel, sandalphon, gabriel when he was supreme archangel - all of them have corrupted heaven to be something that it was never meant to be. but aziraphale has to believe that heaven itself is redeemable, has to believe that there is something salvageable; if it weren't, does that mean that aziraphale in turn is not either of those things too? does that mean that aziraphale is not good? heaven is capable of great things, that could benefit everyone involved; so couldn't aziraphale, from all of the experience he's gained, do something to make heaven exactly that?

it doesn't mean that aziraphale is any more correct for this more nuanced assumption, but i think it poses there is a very fine line in aziraphale's thinking. to my mind, aziraphale is not backtracking on the entirety of what he's learnt since the beginning, he's not suddenly heaven's man again - but instead is recognising that heaven is broken as it currently is... and that he could potentially fix it. if anything, that recognition that what he thought was faultless actually needs fixing, and that he may be able to do it, because it's the right thing to do... is exactly the character development i was expecting? an angel who has himself been rejected time and time again for being who he is, without even the finality of falling, could actually be the key to making heaven something worthy of the name.

he has to take that opportunity, to be that change, but he doesn't want to leave crowley to do so. not only because, of course, he simply loves crowley and wants both, but if he does leave crowley, what could happen to crowley without aziraphale being in a position to protect him? what, for me, it all boils down to is that aziraphale thinks going to heaven is the right thing to do, but only entertained it seriously when a) crowley's name, and their relationship, was casually mentioned in a way that felt like metatron would use it as leverage, and b) crowley could potentially come with him. ultimately, the fact remains that crowley more important to him than heaven is.

let's return to the specific wording of 'make a difference'. it's... fairly neutral, right? make a difference for whom? what kind of difference? the difference that metatron was talking about, or the difference that, in the most idealistic scenario possible, aziraphale and crowley both would probably want to happen? it's carefully worded - and coupled with eeeeverything that i've said about how aziraphale acts with the metatron, how he was hiding his expression as he entered the shop, and then how aziraphale seems to backtrack on bitch-talking the metatron... look, i don't necessarily buy that aziraphale is trying to speak in a riddle or code that he knows crowley would understand, but i do wonder if he's now hoping that crowley will read between the lines. he can't outright tell crowley his suspicions, and was possibly trying to get crowley to come with him in a way that wouldn't alert crowley to anything amiss whatsoever... but now? now that crowley is resisting? he has to edge slightly closer towards transparency.

in the hypothetical scenario that aziraphale is fearful that they may be overheard, or observed, aziraphale has to be careful. he has to word whatever he says in such a way that he appears to be heaven's man, that he genuinely wants to take the opportunity to run heaven and the 'enormous projects' that are in planning, in a way that doesn't disclose to the metatron that aziraphale is in any way suspicious of him. to crowley, however, he has to convey that he isn't heaven's man, that he wants to change things that would mean that it be for the better, and do all of that whilst not alerting crowley that there may be danger. 'make a difference' suddenly has a double-meaning, because for whose benefit does aziraphale truly want to change things?

crowley then, bless his heart, bravely launches into his confession that he tried to start at the beginning, and i think he does so in an effort to be completely transparent on why he needs aziraphale to stay - an effort to convince him to remain with crowley for no other reason than that he wants to be with him... and now? now he's not even sure it'll work. he's tried demonstrating where heaven isn't worth the effort, to no avail, so now he's going for full vulnerability mode. honestly, what a trooper, he was so so brave

aziraphale throughout the confession is practically motionless. the manic energy has disappeared, and from the subtle flickers in his expression, i think he saw this coming - saw it coming from the moment that he saw crowley offer up alpha centauri to gabriel and beelzebub, and saw nina and maggie very surreptitiously leave the bookshop. i think to some degree, aziraphale knew at least the nature of what crowley was going to say, and as a result, he gets very nervous:

at the sheer mention of "group", aziraphale pointedly (to me, anyway) looks out of the window. generally, he looks shifty - avoiding eye contact, eyes flickering, heavy breathing - but it's so deliberate that he looks out of the window where, we can surmise, is the general environs of where the metatron is still waiting. again - the metatron saying "de facto partnership", and all of his allusions to knowing the true nature and extent of aziraphale's association with crowley, seems all the more sinister if this line - "a team- a group!" - is specifically when aziraphale's eyes betray his concern. i don't think he's necessarily scared that the metatron will overhear this bit, because ultimately the metatron has intimated that he already knows this, but crowley is, potentially, and very much unknowingly, placing them in even more danger by vocalising the exact nature of what he and aziraphale feel for each other.

i also want to remark on aziraphale's look of confusion when crowley says, "spent our existence pretending that we aren't". ive had many a thought on why aziraphale would look so perplexed, and only one kind of makes sense to me - that actually, within the last few years, aziraphale... wasn't pretending at all. crowley told him that they were on their own side in tadfield, something that may have taken a while, but ultimately aziraphale in the "so did i" demonstrates that he was fully on board with, and he's now spent a good portion of s2 trying to make 'their side' all the more meaningful... crowley was no longer going too fast for him, but instead he was trying to show crowley that he had caught up - felt free enough to match his speed.

that, for me, would make sense with crowley's next line, where he himself clarifies that actually, no - the last couple of years they weren't pretending like they were before. something changed after armageddon, and that was that they both were removed enough from heaven and hell that they could finally explore what 'us' might mean for them. crowley is consistently taken aback by what aziraphale intended to be overtures of closeness and adoration - the frequent touching, the bentley, the ball - because aziraphale was trying to demonstrate it with actions, rather than words. crowley previously showed aziraphale how he felt about him - the rescues, the dinners, the books - and aziraphale was trying to speak to him in a language that he thought crowley would understand.

but crowley then plays the card that he played before, and that even under better circumstances aziraphale would never accept; "if gabriel and beelzebub can do it, go off together, then we can!". aziraphale didn't accept it - however much he might have selfishly, privately wanted to - in s1 under threat of armageddon, and it's certainly not an option now when the metatron is literally outside the door. again, if we accept that aziraphale has read the conversation he had with the metatron as some kind of subtle threat, legging it is absolutely not an option he can take. on one hand, he might not want to; aziraphale typically chooses, when his back is against the wall, to fight his way out, to push back. on the other... it's the same as the bandstand; where could they possibly go where heaven won't find them? if they even got that far, how long would they have to keep running? they would constantly have to look over their shoulders, and exist together as if it's something that should be hidden out of fear, and guilt, and shame.

it then makes sense that aziraphale suddenly finds movement as crowley in turn grows more frantic in them being "an 'us'!"; aziraphale starts quickly shaking his head, tearing up, at what crowley is saying. crowley tries stoicly to cajole aziraphale into agreeing, because surely this time he will. aziraphale however strides right up to him, and counters again that he and crowley can be together, can be an 'us', but why can't it be in heaven? neither of them are denying what they want from the other. aziraphale then goes on to lay out exactly how it could work, that he could "run it, [crowley'll] be [his] second-in-command".

i know that a lot of people take issue with this line, because it suggests that aziraphale is claiming superiority, and relegating crowley to the oh-so-lowly deputy position... but tbh, i just can't see it like that. i have no doubt that crowley might see it like that (re: what i said above about crowley potentially seeing the restoration as an insult, because it's only offered not in recognition of crowley himself, but instead as a consolatory benefit of aziraphale taking the offer) but i just simply cannot fathom that aziraphale would ever mean it like that. because look - they haven't even gotten out the door, and already aziraphale has it all planned out. he'd bypass the other archangels not only to take the top position himself, at the metatron's behest, but he'd immediately use that power to install crowley right by his side. he's not offering crowley to just return to his lab/office cubicle as an angel, and once-in-a-blue-moon see aziraphale when he maybe had the time; he's already scheming to give crowley one of the most powerful positions he possibly can. he wants to place crowley in a position not only where aziraphale can always protect him, but it also shows that he trusts crowley more implicitly than any other being, and is frankly offering to fix heaven to be one that crowley would want to see. that crowley could have direct input in building. one that is good enough to have him.

aziraphale solidifies this with "we can make a difference". note the pronoun shift from before? and how he half-whispers it to crowley, fervent and desperate for crowley to see exactly what they could do together? notice how aziraphale isn't scanning around him at the windows anymore? to me, this is the real motivation, right here. metatron is giving both of them an opportunity for them to play their own game; aziraphale is prepared to take it, but wants crowley by side - as a team - when he does... why wouldn't crowley?

okay im going to cheat here slightly and direct you to this, because my thoughts on this are pretty much still the same. it's apt that this is the nail in the coffin as far as this conversation goes, because for me it's the main (only?) instance in which the two of them are both entirely candid in what they're saying, hoping the other understands, and yet the two meanings miss each other completely. everything else has been a conflict in beliefs or ideals, but this? this is The miscommunication.

crowley is saying: 'this bookshop means so much to you, and it means so much to me too. you even said it was ours, not just yours; it represents where we both felt most safe, where we could be entirely ourselves and not fear or worry about anything going on outside it. you gave me a home in this place, with you - you can't just leave it like it's nothing, you can't just leave 'us' like it's nothing, you can't just leave me like im nothing.'

aziraphale is saying: 'this bookshop means so much to me, it's true, but in a thousand years - even maybe a hundred years - it will be little more than rubble. it represents what i used to treasure more than anything, because it was what i took pleasure in, and i could be myself. it was ours, but really all it is, is little more than paper, glass, and brick. you are my home, and you are more important than a building with windows and a creaky front door. being together, being safe, is all i want, and is all that matters.'

all of that is summed up nicely in crowley just... letting all the fight drain out of his body. tilts his head back, in that famous nod of, 'oh right okay, i see what you're saying'. wills the tears not to fall; to him, aziraphale has just rejected everything that crowley thought aziraphale held dear - including himself. nothing lasts forever, including them... when what aziraphale is saying is that nothing lasts forever, but they could.

crowley puts his shield back on, the sunglasses back in their usual place. aziraphale sees him do so, and has the faintest, hopeful smile on his face; because he thinks that crowley has finally gotten what aziraphale was trying to convey to him - and so, now, they're going to leave the shop together, go to heaven together, and work together to fix heaven into what it always should have been... and along the way, grant them the freedom to do whatever the hell they want to do, and do it in peace. crowley however shatters that; he steps out from around aziraphale, and wishes him luck... and aziraphale realises that they are not in fact on the same page, and actually now whatever was holding on by a thread might have finally snapped.

*

okay look if you've made it this far - first of all how and why, you madman, this was stupidly long and convoluted... but also many kisses of gratitude unto you for sticking it out this long. i'm planning (if the dopamine gods remain with me) on doing a part 2 where i look at the last bit of the domestic, and the kiss, again - to see what i unearth there too, but thoughts so far:

aziraphale feels under threat from the metatron, and has to prioritise acquiescing to his request on pain of [redacted]

but he also knows that if the metatron knows that crowley is his pressure point, his only option is to try to a) convince the metatron that he (aziraphale) is completely on board, and docile, and b) convince crowley to come back with him, not only for his safety but also so they can be together, and because actually, to aziraphale's mind, the offer is a good thing, possibly something crowley has always secretly wanted, and crowley deserves it

alongside feeling threatened, aziraphale is wary that the metatron may be able to observe/hear their conversation. he therefore cannot say anything that would antagonise the metatron, cannot say anything that would suggest that aziraphale knows that the metatron is a Big Bad, and cannot let crowley in on the truth because crowley would question it too hard and endanger them both

aziraphale knows that crowley is about to confess his feelings, or something of a similar sentiment. aziraphale wants to hear it, but only when he can be sure that crowley will come back to heaven with him, where he can be safe in a position of power, right by aziraphale's side

when crowley begins to resist the idea, and battles back with a plan of this own for them to be together, aziraphale a) has to impress upon him that going back to heaven, and potentially fixing it in their image (lmao god complex much, aziraphale?) is the right thing to do, especially if they are to have any kind of future together, and b) has to do so, again, in a way that won't alert crowley that something more nefarious might be going on. regardless, they both operate on the understanding that they want to be together

however. the one major miscommunication in the entire part of the first sequence is "nothing lasts forever" - this particular part is practically the repeat of the different exactlies from episode 1

ok bye

[duck-short-depressed-king]

(A/N: Yes, Ive kept this a secret until now! You will be receiving. I know I said on my 'Blog Info' post I won't do none of these. SIKE! Im not deleting that off either. Hope you enjoy! Now my stuff won't be long as hell, so..sorry about that. Please do not criticize me for my bad writing. I'm not new to these fanfic stuff, I ONLY READ THEM.

Warnings: Body Parts / Flirting / Mild Cursing / Mention Of Perverting (A joke!) / OOC

🍎🪽Chapter #1

You and the King of hell knew each other for a while since the hotel has been rebuilt in all. But Lucifer here, started to develop feelings for you. But he kept them a secret because it wasn't sure how to tell you. But today, he built up the courage to go to your room and ask you out on a date. With a nervous look on his face, he knocked on the door. "Reader? Are you up?" He asked. It was pretty early within the hotel.

I just woke up from my nap, yawning. My hair a mess and I was in some really short pants, with a long shirt on. I walked over to the door and answered. "I am now..." I opened the door, revealing Lucifer. What could he want?

His cheeks flushed, seeing your hair being a mess along with the short pants that you were wearing. He tried to hide the blushed, but it was very obvious. "Can I.. um, come in?" He asked.

"Sure." I answered, opening the for him, as he lets himself in. "So, what do you need?" I asked, sitting down on my bed.

He closes the door behind him and then looks over at you, sitting on your bed. He couldn't help but look at the short pants you were wearing for a bit before looking at your face, his blush increasing. He sat down beside you, a few inches away from you.

He inhaled and then exhaled, gathering his courage before talking. "I need to ask you something... something really important."

I raised an brow. I can fell myself waking up alot more now. I brushed some hair from my face. "What is it?" I asked.

He swallowed hard. He tried to remain calm, but his heart was pounding in his chest like a hammer. He took another breath before talking again. "I've been wanting to ask you this for quite some time now, but I never had the chance to."

He paused for a few seconds before looking straight into your eyes. "I, um... Reader... I was wondering if you... I mean..." He got cut off, his nerves taking over.

"Damn it..." He whispered under his breathe, being frustrated with himself for not saying anything. Then, he took another deep breath before trying again. "I... Reader, will you... go on a date with me?" He finally asked, his face as red as a tomato now.

My eyes widened, my cheeks turning red as well. I mean, wouldn't it be kinda surprising if the King of Hell knocked on your door early in the morning and asked you to go on a date with him? I thought to myself. I always had feelings for the King Of Hell myself... this wouldn't go wrong...right? I had no idea how to respond to this, so I said the first thing that came to my mind. "Yes!" I quickly said, looking away.

Lucifer looked at you, surprised that you had said yes just as quickly. He expected you to at least think about it for a moment first. But even so, he wasn't complaining. He smiled, his heart now beating a million times per second. "Wait, really?" He asked, a hopeful tone in his voice.

I looked back to the ground, before looking into Lucifer's eyes. The yellow glowing, waking me up a little more. "Y-yes...Id love to go on a date with you." I said so shy. Why do I feel so shy all the sudden...?

Lucifer's heart skipped a beat as you said that you would go on a date with him. He was ecstatic at the sound of that and a large smile spread across he face. "Y-you would?" He asked, wanting to hear you say it once more just to make sure it was actually happening and not some dream from him.

I nodded, my blush getting even wider...

He was so sure that he was dreaming. This just couldn't be reality, could it? But here you were, sitting next to him and saying that you accepted. He was so excited that he couldn't even believe it.

He scooted a little closer to you, looking at you. "S-When... when do you want to go out then?" He asked.

"I-I think I'll be free tomorrow?" I answered, looking back at him. The blush finally fading away now that I seem less shy.

He nods, a soft smile on his face. "Perfect. Tomorrow it is then." He replied before pausing for a moment. "I... I'll come pick you up. What time works best?"

I really had nothing to do tomorrow, expect Charlie's exercises, which lasts about 40 minutes or less. I thought about this, and sighed. "I think I'll be free after Charlie's exercises." I answered.

Lucifer nods again, mentally making a note of the time. "Sounds good." He responded.

He looks at you for a moment, getting a good look at you. He noticed you were wearing some really short pants and a long shirt. He couldn't help but stare at your legs a bit, the shorts not covering much.

I looked at Lucifer, realizing he was staring at something. I followed his gaze down to my legs. Damnit! I forgot that I didn't have the proper pants on. "S-sorry! I should put some pants on so it doesn't distract you..." I apologized, getting up to get some pants from my drawer.

He quickly shook his head, looking away and blushing a bit from getting caught. "No, no, no- it's fine! You don't have to change. I don't mind." He assured you, not wanting to stop you from wearing them. He was enjoying the view, after all.

"O-okay? So your okay with this?" I said, confusingly. He kinda seems like a pervert right now, but...I don't mind? I kind of like him staring at me...

He nods. "Yeah, I'm completely fine with this." He responded, looking back at your legs again. He couldn't take his eyes off them, they looked so soft and smooth. He wanted to touch them...

He quickly shook the thought from his mind, trying to maintain his composure. He didn't want to get carried away, especially not this early.

I wondered, why is he still here..I need to get ready for the day anyway... "Uh, anything else Mr. Stare?" I teased, smiling softly as I looked at his flustered reaction to my teasing.

Lucifer blushed even more when you teased him for staring at your legs. He couldn't deny that he was enjoying the view, but he didn't expect you to call him out on it. He chuckled, trying to play it off.

"Hey, it's not my fault they look so good." He teased back, his eyes wandering down to your legs again.

I blushed again, as he got me back. "Was that a flirt?" I laughed.

He chuckled, a mischievous look in his eye. "Mayyyybe..." He responded, a sly smile on his face. He leaned a bit closer to you, his eyes still looking down at your legs.

"I mean, how could I not flirt with a pair of legs like that?" He added, his tone a bit more playful now.

"You kinda starting to seem like a pervert..." I joked, wondering why he had so much interest in my legs.

He chuckled again, his smile growing wider. "Guilty as charged." He joked back. He couldn't help but continue to shamelessly look at your legs. They just looked so damn good.

"But can you blame me, really? I mean, have you seen yourself? You're beautiful." He spoke, his eyes finally meeting yours for a moment. He was clearly enjoying this little back and forth.

I felt butteflies in my stomach. "Aww, thank you. You look handsome yourself." I answered back, I just realized were complimenting each other like corny teenagers. I snapped out of that thought when Lucifer spoke up. "Well, I got to go, gotta help Charlie...see you tomorrow for the date?" He asked me, a prideful smile on his face. "Tommorow." I answered back, as he headed towards the door, nodding to my response.

He nodded in response, his smile growing even wider at your agreement to the date. "Perfect. I'll see you tomorrow." He said, his heart fluttering again.

He paused for a moment at the doorway, glancing back at you one more time. "Oh, and wear those short pants again." He teased with a wink before leaving the room and closing the door behind him.

I giggled at his last tease. I better start getting ready for the day and get my clothes for tomorrow. I can't believe im going on a date with the King Of Hell...

As Lucifer walked away, he couldn't help but feel excited yet a bit nervous. He had finally asked you out on a date and you had agreed. He had been waiting for this moment for a long time, and now it was actually happening.

He made a mental note to himself to plan something special for tomorrow. He wanted to make sure that it went perfectly, especially since he had no idea how experienced you were with dating.

Meanwhile, I continued getting ready for the day. The nerves and excitement for the upcoming date with Lucifer filling my thoughts.

[geneticallymodifiedidiot]

funny stupid sad angry post

uh so the poll said yes

so here goes? i've got no idea how to do this

tw: vent, self-sabotage, sh/cutting, eating disorder(?)/calorie counting, suicide ideation

please for the love of god if any of these trigger you in any way don't read this through. i'm not worth making your triggers worse. don't do that to yourself.

this is a really long fucking post. we'll see if i end up deleting it. if people just tell me that my problems aren't that bad (which is totally possible) then i'll delete it. no harm done.

let the brain dump begin

why am i doing this? it's not like i'd let myself accept help if anyone decided to try

uh idk it feels like i'm not doing enough

i'm not good enough for my friends, my school performance isn't good enough, i'm not doing enough to help other in general, i'm not doing enough to maintain relationships with my family and other people close to me, my "skills" aren't good enough, my problem aren't good enough to be considered problems, a lot of stuff like that

like the friend thing is like i feel like my friends are way better at being supportive and helping each other than i am, i'm trying my best but i can't seem to do enough because we're all just sad and i feel like i can't help

i constantly want to tell my friends "hey, you guys know that if i'm not a good enough friend, you can leave/stop being my friend and i won't get mad, right?" but i don't because i'm worried they actually might.

i went on a really long trip overseas this past summer and spent some time with family and i feel like i was a terrible person the whole time because my egg had cracked like a solid two weeks beforehand and i hated the idea of having to exist as two people at once bc my family has not exactly presented themselves as the most trans-friendly people but they also haven't made it so it's obviously a bad idea to come out to them. just a collection of offhand comments and unclear/lack of messaging around trans people has made it so i feel like it would be a bad idea, but if i'm wrong, then these people deserve better from me and not for me to hide myself from them.

the most unclear part of this for me is my mom, because like she's not the best but it's not obvious to me if she's actually bad. like i've seen a lot of things especially on this site about how trauma and abuse are overused terms but i don't know what qualifies. whenever i see examples i seem to fall in a middle ground between them. like it's mostly mental. she doesn't hit me (although idk i feel like i might remember some stuff from very long ago and there's one major event that i'm not going to get into) but there's just some things. like when i tried to come out as aroace, she never explicitly rejected that, but she also didn't... say anything. both times. and also when i first told her that i thought i might have adhd, she said something along the lines of "oh yeah, when you were young the doctor said you had some adhd tendencies, but we're not going to get you diagnosed because i don't want you to use it as an excuse." which, i guess, but something doesn't seem right about that.

but she's not explicitly terrible either, like i have stuff. she lets me leave the house pretty often. she's not super uptight about grades as long as i don't miss assignments. idk, it's super confusing. it's not entirely her fault either, she's an immigrant and english is her second language. there's a big age gap between us (40 years) its probably hard for her to raise a child, especially one as horrifically difficult to deal with as me. one time she said she hated me, but she apologized later and said she misspoke. which is fair i guess, she was under stress at the time. if i was her, id probably hate me too. idk i feel bad for saying i miss my dad (he died 5 years ago) my mom's trying her best and she got the bad luck of getting a child that is much more difficult than she bargained for. god im a terrible child lol.

oh, on the adhd thing- i feel like i exhibit symptoms for adhd pretty recognizably (although im not diagnosed, so its technically possible that i don't and i just need to try a little bit harder) but also i feel like i exhibit some signs of autism. but again. what. the heck. qualifies. i don't like drums (especially snare drums, which are RIGHT BEHIND ME IN BAND WHY-) and im bad with convoluted noise in general. but also like, i don't exhibit this all the time. sometimes i won't even notice drums all that much. sometimes i realize lights are way too bright like five minutes after being around them. i get hyperfixations, but im pretty sure that could just be the adhd thing. im bad at talking to people but again, i could just be bad. i scored 150 on the RAADS-R test, but that's not a diagnosis. idk. hah.

i'm outright just a negative person to be around, i can't think of a single person that is better off because i'm in their life. they either have to deal with all of my problems or i just end up not talking to them as much as a good friend should.

also i feel like my "skills" are really bad to the point that i can barely call them skills. in band, on my first instrument (euphonium) i'm first chair in the symphonic/advanced/audition band (somehow) but there's this one interval in a solo that i cannot nail down. and its annoying. in marching band its even worse, im on sousaphone which some would say is the most important instrument, but the director tells us to play louder all the freaking time (there's only 7 sousaphones and the band is like 200 people). my rank tells me im playing well but like. aaa. i could be playing better. last years rank leader was so ridiculously loud and i don't think i can match him.

other "skill" is cooking. some people might have seen the attempt at bread that i made. and the interior is just a mass of gluten. like. come on, i can do better than that. and then i also made like a chili dish to go with the bread, and the recipe called for too many beans. i should've recognized it, but no. there are too many beans. im annoyed. my mom doesn't like to eat beans that much so i feel like i failed her too. which, lovely.

ehhhh yeah i can talk about dysphoria here too. why not. idk one thing that made me spiral a bit was one of the people im not out to in marching band said "deadname you should get a buzz cut again it looked good" (i had a buzz cut for much of my childhood because long hair felt too hot) and fucking- i look better with a buzz cut than with long hair?! fucking murder me! oh my god! should i even transition as an adult at this point, i'd probably look even worse than i do now! am i just goddamn destined to be unhappy with my appearance?! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

ok tw for sh for this next part

so all this manifested in a cutting habit (yippee) which is. mildly terrifying. but also i feel like this problem is also inferior because they aren't all that deep. like i see things about sh support that are like "here's how you know you hit an artery" and im like well. that's not been a problem insofar. maybe im being dramatic about this.

i don't even know why i do it. i don't feel particularly better when i do it. i guess i could be like adrenaline doping but that's not that big of a thing. it doesn't make me like special or worse than other people, cutting isn't that uncommon from what i've seen. 52% of trans girls reported self-injury over the past year (per the trevor project)

the annoying this is even when i see a way out i don't take it. when i first started i was using a partially rusted razor which i completely recognized as dangerous but like. i have my shots (thanks mom.) so that happened for a while until the rust got to the point where the blade was dull. yeah, that's the reason i stopped using a rusty knife: not because of the rust and the tetanus risk, but because the blade was getting dull. that's fucking pathetic.

so instead of stopping like a normal fucking person i (still cannot believe i did this) went on amazon and bought a $10 pocketknife. and now that's just on my person. i could've stopped, i had an out, but i spent money on a different knife. s t u p i d.

tw suicide ideation

oh, something else horrifying? the thoughts i had regarding sh like... two months prior to starting are. shockingly similar to the thoughts i have regarding suicide. (i don't think i'm going to commit suicide, that's a bit more commitment that a few scars on my forearm and thighs). but i mean like, i like to sleep. maybe this wouldn't be too different. people wouldn't have to worry about me anymore.

and don't tell me i "matter," i'm perfectly aware of the 143.8lbs of matter i take up in this universe i take up and how much of a waste it is. possible eating disorder tw for the next part.

okay like. im weird with food. what the hell counts as an eating disorder. im not underweight, (i know this is not an end-all be-all by any stretch of a hyperflexible imagination, but my bmi's 19.0. that's technically in the healthy range). i'm skinnier than i was 18 months ago. but like. i'm not wasting away. i just have a calorie-counting habit that is. annoying. along with a general fear of gaining weight. sometimes i'll eat what i feel is too much and i have an urge to make myself vomit (i've never done that before, but i have a general idea) but the thing that stops me is the vivid image of my esophagus dissolving. which i guess is good.

why? i don't know. that's a theme here, isn't it. i don't know why im the stupid ridiculous way that i am, which probably means im bullshitting everything. but i don't know. it's like all my issues are on the borderline of "okay you need actual help" and "eh, you'll probably be fine. just push through it." which again probably suggests that im actually fine and being ridiculous about everything. i'm not the only person in this world who has dysphoria. im not the only person whos unsure about coming out to their family. im not the only person who engages in self-injury. im not the only person who has suicidative thoughts from time to time. i have what most people would call a good life. im physically able-bodied, lean, fit into the school system, have a parent, i live near a school, and im not under threat of dying by someone else's hand. these are all advantages that tons of people probably wish they had. why do i complain so much. im so ready for this post to get a response of "this is nothing, just deal with it. good god." and that's fair.

idk, i guess im tired. im tired of avoiding the mirror constantly, tired of keeping a running track of the amount of energy ive consumed in the past 24 hours, tired of doing the same thing each day with no real end in sight, tired of feeling like i need to push myself harder, tired of seeing an arm covered in scars when i reach over myself to turn off the light each night when i go to sleep, tired of going to sleep and sometimes wishing i wouldn't wake up.

do i even deserve anything. do i deserve friends. do i deserve to be happy. do i deserve to get the things i want. do i deserve a good life. do i deserve to transition if i want to. do i deserve help. do i deserve to take up societies resources, whether that be food, water, medical care, or therapy.

do i deserve to live?

if you read this far, uh. im sorry. this probably took a long time that could be better dedicated to something more important than a random teenager on the internet. but here we are.

if you want to say something 1. probably don't. my brain has found a way to basically not let me accept help but if you want to try, that's your prerogative. 2. if you want to say something but don't know what to say, that's fine. i know the feeling and what the hell do you say to whatever this post is anyway.

[my-castles-crumbling]

hey cas! wow, look at me not going anon for once ahahaha

also, while im here id just like to say that your name now reminds me of two taylor swift songs. castles crumbling (for obvious reasons) but also now i see 'cas' and i think 'ah, they killed you first because you feared the worst, hm? did you try to tell the town?' this has no relevance to the rest of my ask but it makes me smile to mashup the two songs in my head every time i come across one of your posts <3

(but also now that i think about it: castles crumbling x cassandra mashup??? that would absolutely slay and im quite incredibly tempted to make it now)

i wondered if you had any advice for how to go about reaching out to an old friend? we went to the same high school for a year and got really close but then when she moved schools we lost touch. its now been over a year and a half but i keep finding things that remind me of her and its really making me wanna recconect somehow, but it feels so awkward and weird to just... message her? what do i even say ahaha

shes a really sweet and warm and all-round lovely person (yes i had a minor crush on her when we were close. i know its obvious but i never made a move, she liked someone else, it didnt change anything with us) so i know she wouldnt be likely to be really weird about me reaching out but its still absolutely terrifying because what if she doesnt think about our old friendship anymore? what if im a faded memory by now?? what if she thinks it is really random and weird for me to reach out now all of a sudden?

any advice at all would be greatly appreciated! (as are you! youre so awesome and the fact that we interact sometimes is still so cool to me, so thank you for your existence! youre so worthy of everything good that comes to you <3)

Okay but that mashup would be so cool. Please make it.

As far as reaching out- I mean it is random, but not bad! How would you feel if someone reached out to you? Like I would be honored, you know? That someone was thinking of me. I think the thing is, its not insulting to reach out to someone, it's a NICE thing to do. So you should! If she acts awkward, it's not anything you did wrong, she's just not a cool person anymore and at least you tried!

Also YOU are just as worthy of amazingness, hon <3

[lawrence-songs]

fictionkin questions under the cut.

So, I'm a little nerve wracked.

I am.. no expert on fictotypes whatsoever, so if anyone can help me out with this, that would be fab.

I'm considering sammykin. Maybe bendykin, but sammy just feels more.. right.

I've heard a lot about how fictionkin are commonly fond of the characters they kin, or how they saw the character for the first time, and went "oh shit that me", and I didn't do... any of that.

In fact, I've played what's considered "my source" millions of times and never once considered the fact that I could be samuel until just yesterday, when I made a joke about how similar we are.

I've always considered that I was batim kin of some kind. the studio just.. is a spot I've never left. there's something in there that's me. I know it inside and out and I've always been obsessed with it, with finding out everything. I whistle the tunes in my day to day life, I collect merch from it, I once built the projectionst's head out of 2 spare cardboard boxes, some acrylic paint, and a fuckload of hot glue.

I've cosplayed Boris.

I've always kinda felt myself somewhere in an inky mass, but I don't have any memories of that.

I just assumed, somewhere, there was a background character that would never be created that I was. and I was okay with that.

Sammy Lawrence in source is a nutjob that I have always made fun of. (lovingly ofc, but in the way you see a character and you're like "oh you moron. your smooth little brain. you went and started worshiping a demon and you really thought that would end well. fuck.")

But then I realized..

that was a somewhat personal and regretful opinion to have about a character that is on screen mostly shown as a fanatic.

I made a post last night that said (paraphrased and edited for clarity): "I love hating on sammy lawrence because he's such an obsessive moron, and then i remember i have such an extensive collection of bendy merch that it's been referred to as a shrine and im like oh. actually he's accurate

most based character in the game because frankly if you locked me in a cartoon studio with a demon that acted as the catalyst of new beginnings id worship him too

i like to make fun of sammy as if i am not also insane enough to chug a vial of ink on no basis other than my own whims and being too insane about something

me holding sammy up: theres something wrong with you (staring into a mirror)"

I didn't realize this might actually be more than a joke until I realized I had all the stuff I needed to closet cosplay Sammy and I walked back after getting dressed and it just. felt correct.

I'm not an inky monstrocity, I'm still a person-

I didn't consider that we were the same thing until I saw myself in our clothes with his hair and my face.

I don't have memories of the studio after it's downfall, but I have what could be flickers of what it was like before.

In the games, he's only there for a small amount of time.

.. I'm only there for a small amount of time.

But I remember reading the implications that he drank from an ink bottle and could nearly taste it.

I'm unsure if my fixation on the ink demon stems from a connection to him or a connection to sammy. but either way, there always has been.

I can remember moments of myself before the studio's downfall, but not. After. I see him in source and I'm like "oh god. is that what happens to me?" like it's the disappointment a ghost would have at watching a zombie of a body carry on without it's mind. is that- is this anything. Please tell me, I am unsure what the fuck is up but I don't. know exactly how to sort this out myself. any input is appreciated.

@bendyy-blog

gently tagging you in this. hi