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Cross your fingers for me lads, I've been measured for the wheelchair, the cogs are turning and the health insurance just have to approve it
#place your bets#Will the health insurance let me leave the house on my own again?#or will they decide that because i can walk 10 steps unassisted#that is unnecessary#find out in 4-6 weeks
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sometimes i forget that i started this blog to be about philosophy. anyway i've already told all my group chats so here's one for the blog: just got off a video call w the admissions director at my tied-for-first-choice university and i cannot tell if he thinks i have a shot or if im too much of a loser for their very cool program.
he did give me the very good advice to email faculty i want to work with to introduce myself and get to know them and their work, so maybe that's indicative of . good rapport idk
off to write emails and hope professors deign to respond. please i want to keep doing epistemology. what does it matter
#blah blah blah#academia#the joke of the day is consider my nerves WRACKED#ive applied to 4 schools i should apply to more before the window closes in 3 weeks#i fuckin knew this would happen too that id start looking at schools and then not finish the apps until the day before#wish me luck nyall#is this where my academic journey ends? we will find out when they mail out decisions between feburary and april#and if not a phd then i need to invest in a career shift bc while i like my job. i want to be doing something more meaningful#insert line about how everything is meaningful everything matters. thesisposting etc. but what if i want to do something MORE impactful#than renting trumpets to middle schoolers and their families#im pretty sure that my undergrad gpa is going to like. be an automatic disqualification for all the programs#idk if any of you remember 6 years ago but i was Not doing well in undergrad#so im banking on a 'most improved' award when they see my graduate transcript is more than a whole point better#pwease trust me to do even better in the future mistew phd pwogwam pwease bewieve me#<tags that are the reason i do not attach my name face or work to this blog in case i am Located.#<also tags that are very clearly identifiable as mine own. paradoxical choice
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#not to sound like a broken record#i know this has already been talked about a lot in current fandom discourse#but all the tommy love also comes from a place of#misogyny (buck’s m/f relationships failed bc the women weren’t good enough. but his first m/m is perfect and destined and tommy is god)#(even though we know next to nothing about them as a couple. cough 1 kiss and 1 failed date cough cough)#and biphobic concepts (buck’s only relationship/partner that is worth shipping and love and fandom time is the m/m one)#(if he’s with a woman he’s not worth our time? the relationship/partner isn’t worth our time. right?)#some people kinda sounding like the conservative haters right now#oliver stark’s voice shouting from afar: he isn’t gay! he is bisexual! he still likes women!#some people like to celebrate bi buck (as we should) but then erase his previous gfs#in favour of this 1 man he’s shared literally 4 scenes with. okay#<- <- <- i drafted this like 6 hours before that interview came out. ollie came to back me up with the ‘he still likes women’ lmao#him dating a guy now does not erase or dismiss his previous m/f relationships or that he’s still into women#one final comment. any time buck got with a girl it was ‘they need to break up immediately’#‘she’s not right for him’#he’s with his first guy and it’s ’they should be endgame’#‘they’re perfect together’#huh?? one. we barely know tommy/them together#two. what exactly makes them endgame material? bc they’re both men? cough biphobic misogyny fetishization cough#three. it would be objectively hilarious if he realises his sexuality and within 2 weeks is dating a guy for the first time#and then that guy ends up being his endgame forever partner. lmaoooo that would be so dumb sawry#not to mention it would kinda lean into the biphobia and misogyny mentioned above#in that it would suggest that his problem with finding love previously was… women#and this problem is now magically fixed because… man#four. not to be a buddie endgame truther but if all the vocal support means this is what we get instead#instead of Them. i’m out see ya bye bye#i am sooooo reading way too much into this but oh well
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i told my team i was leaving and every single one of them decided to quit too. leadership skills may not be perfect but i sure led them to the lifeboats when i noticed the ship had started taking on water!!
#dan.txt#work blogging#i gave my bosses 6 weeks notice so they could approve my suggested replacement and i could train her up#3 weeks in i had heard nothing at all. one boss kept trying to get me to do things for events happening after my last day.#the last straw was when my boss's boss took away some necessary privileges on our portal. that was an accident but still.#i went in to talk to my boss like 'you are not taking this seriously. have you approved my replacement?'#and he told me they're not replacing me until q2 of next year. and he's going to be doing my job until then.#and tbh that shit insulted me!! you think my job is so frivolous that you can just be fine with no one doing it?? mmmmmokay#so internally i said 'if you're gonna shit the bed i'm gonna get out' and externally i said 'my last day will now be this sunday.'#and then i didn't do all the Extra Shit i do to make this shit work. and when he asked me why the week went poorly i told him that was why.#and when i put my 6 weeks in all 4 of my team members started looking for new jobs and he just found out this week all of them are leaving#the Fear is setting in for him but also: WHEN YOU FUCK AROUND YOU FIND OUT LMAOOOO
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little soup cans are some of the neatest things we have, wish there were more soup-can-like things in this world
#just me hi#though canopeners need to stop being deadly weapons to some degree before that hfhs#'they're not deadly tho ?' well usually yes. but did you know that they can age Badly? i did not!#and the one I was using was dulled to an extent that it would Skip over a part of the can#(nearly the same spot every time lol) and when I thought I'd managed to fool it and had only#the tiniest bit of metal between me and some beans (pretty sure it was beans) I thought#'ohh I'll just pull up the can lid :)' Well the lid snapped off completely towards and Into my hand#and I had a bean-can wound on my pinky for about a week or so. I do not know how long it's been lol#//but soup cans are pretty cool I feel like they're kinda underappreciated !!#you can just have Soup ? Whenever ??? and it's Normal !! wow :D#sure making soup is pretty great. but that's a process man. and we're not even associates#[<- 'a process I am (not) intimate with']#like there is a little can of menudo in the pantry rn - medunito they call it isn't that just !! - and it's just there. it can be made in#like 10 minutes. is this Not the best thing ever ! ?#//I've also gotta figure out this sleeping thing that I've got going on (everybody has it going on)#I was maybe half a week into actually have a consistent thing going but the night I stopped was bc I am a sucker of a storyteller and we#were up til about. I think 4-6 a.m.#that's on me yes. my siblings vs. my desire to tell stories and rubber willpower hfbdh#a deadly match truly#and also I lost my snoopy watch (RIP snoopy watch you will be missed (I can't find it send help Waough)) and that was the only clock I had#in this room so now if I wanna know the time I have to go the living room - which is like a whole dang thing lemme tell you about it#/first I've gotta get up - easiest thing by far - and get to the door - assuming I don't get KO'd by my siblings' belongings on the floor -#get to the door. the door Is broken to some extent. opening it means a loud THDPD noise is sent throughout the entire house lol. and you#have to yank on the thing to get it open - so double effort there - and then you step out into the hallwayish area where you can then enter#the living room - oh so easy! but No! you then have to either turn on the kitchen lights and wake everyone with their door open or sleeping#in the living room for whatever reason Orrr you have to clamber over chairs pots perhaps a cat if you've got real bad luck that night to ge#up nice n personal to the clock so you can read the dang thing and see it's 11:23. which is like nothing so you stay up Anyway and do not#check the clock again because not only was that a hassle but also you released every creature that was in the room with you (that's a lot o#noise). but Yea the clock situation is ongoing hfbsh#'why don't you get a clock' that would be much too easy loll :) (last one disappeared and we keep forgetting lol) //ran out of tag space so
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give me 5 reasons not to jump out of my window
#sorry its just#its 2 in the morning for my old man constitution and its the middke of doom week#AND i just finished an existentialism paper#ON NIETZSCHE#youd think id no how to spell that after 5 hours of typing and retyping his name but i DONT#1. bc i have to become an archaeologist for Petty Reasons for Spite Reasons#2. bc i have to become an archaeologist for cool 'baby jay wanted to do this and so does adult jay' reasons#3. my dog would miss me#4. my friends would miss me#5. i cant die till they can legally put dr on my grvestone#6. i havent written a book yet and the world deserves to see me zombie boyfriends#7. i havent actually done anything truly cursed yet#8. jumping out of a window is Not an interesting death i want to die in a cool way#9. i need to defend said existential paper in front of my favourite professor and best my entire class in verbal combat#10. i dont actually want to die i just want sleep and a hot cup of cocoa and maybe for finals week to be done with#yeah#i feel better after that#i actually really love my life because if you went back in time and told 12 yr old jay that they write about THE FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE one day#they would be shocked and in awe and find me so so cool bc they loved the Idea of studying philosophy even if they werent sure what it was#and thats kinda cool#i am my own hero and i am literally the coolest person to my younger self#and thats amazing#anyway#this acrually turned out kinda cheerful when i thought it would be a rant post#lol#abyway gonna go cram anthro and socio now bc apparently i keep taking ws
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The handsome newlyweds ❤️🔥
#love story of the century#1. buy a haunted puppet 2. bond withh that puppet 3. learn he killed a man and don’t bat an eye also he might have a large inheritance#4. find out he’s a halfling that was just born looking like a puppet 5. meet his mom 6. start dating#7. after being together for a week get married during a holiday that you will not remember due to all the substances you’ve taken#8. double down and get married again in a ceremony you will remember. you have been dating a week.#oh also his dad is a choas demon. what a dreamboat#digital art#dnd#dungeons and dragons#dnd characters#dnd art#godless campaign#tiefling#I’m fucking wild about them
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#babylon 5#babylon 6#comic#fancomic#episode 4#do you remember that Vir has been followed by a weird shadow all day?#well he has#tune in next week to find out who it is#you might guess tho
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Various images of things
#image commentary in tags once again since they don't allow captions anymore and I feel weird using the alt text for that --#1. PIBBINS.... cheering clapping hooting hollering glorious applause everytime I see a pigeon in public#2. Birthday card that I drew for someone. .. kittys...#3. 2023's annual haul of tiny white pumpkins.. i get at least one white pumpkin every year around fall when they have pumpkins in stores#because I just love the color and texture ... bright white and smooth and cold and round.. kind of like a volleyball or something#4. A brief adventure into watching big brother (only earlier seasons of course as I hate all reality shows post like 2013 or something when#they became overly focused on social media and overproduced memeable phrases more.. like even though ALL reality shows have always#been extremely fake and annoying and mindless it's like..... newer stuff seems A Different Kind Of Fake or something) since whenever#I'm sick sometimes I find weird mindless things like that to watch (that one time I had bronchitis I watched all of Flavor of Love in my#half awake illness stupor and now everytime I heat up canned minestrone soup (mostly all I ate that week) I think of flavor flav since#thats just a weird brain connection I have now lol) ANYWAY.. I was sick and watched like 2 seasons of this and then thought it was too#uninteresting and obnoxious to continue (more like 1 and a half since I skipped the rest of one once only boring people were left) BUT this#one guy had a very mischevious looking face and he also said a few things (like the above captioned speech) that sounded like dialogue#some fantasy character would say.. so I took a screencap of him and edited him into a mischevious wizard i guess.?? idk I was sick lol#~your little friend has a poisoned tongue~ is just a very unexpectedly serious sounding wording for some random normal#frat dude looking guy to say while casually chatting on a reality tv show in like 2008 or whenever that was filmed lol#5. FLUFFY CLOVERS!! I'd never seen them be furry and soft before?? inchresting..#6. Noodle sitting in bed with the cat figurines looming above him... the council of kittys...#7. McDonald's full breakfast platter + asparagus + strawberries & cream (also of course this is old and I am now boycotting mcdonalds etc)#i try to group the images somewhat consistently like.. winter stuff with winter stuff or summer stuff with summer stuff#but I have so many random pictrues floating around on my computer that I never post that sometimes some are not organized or just#thrown into a set because there's nowhere else for them. Like the pigeon picture is from like 3 years ago for example lol#8 & 9 - I think I've posted these before but I just find them very interesting looking flowers. whenever they happen to be blooming#I'll pick up a few when I'm out on walks or etc. ... poof ball looking things#photo diary
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Part 1 // Part 2 // Part 3 // Part 4 // Part 4.5 // Part 5 // Part 6 // Part 7 //
Hopefully I can get at least the next part out before work kills me. Unlikely but I will try ahaa
#aesop carl#identity v#identity v embalmer#victor grantz#identity v postman#unconcerned comic#modern ghost au#at this point im just doing whatever the hell i want to. although i guess thats what ive always been doing HAHAHAHAH#god i dread going back to work. im never gonna be able to draw again for the next 6 months#i wish i could find a job that like. has better work life balance. but i damned my ass to this profession for a while#my comics are gonna be more simple rn. i dont think my energy is going to be any better rn#i didnt manage to draw anything for christmas just cos i was so tired. this comic took me way longer than id like it to be#i was doing like a page a day. thats so slow. head in hands#which is also why i dont think ill be able to get out the next part of the comic soon. but if not then im seriously just going to like#disappear off the face of the earth for a few more months. which i personally hate#i planned at least until part 4. please brain let me have this before next week. i know thats a tall order. god
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it isn’t the end of the semester but i’m already having my end of the semester breakdown oh my GOD I am going to have a heart attack. sprite save me
#nothing is done!! not my applications not my interviews etc#I am running out of time to graduate in June and I could just graduate in august but then I have to admit to my family that I fucked up bad#it takes 3-6 weeks to get IRB approval I need to step on it#it’ll take at least 4 for my paid leave forms for work to go through and I don’t know if it’ll get approved#and if it does when do my benefits start#I feel like an idiot where those forms are concerned because it needs an occupation code and I don’t know if it’s specific#or if I can just select the one that best matches my job description and I can’t find that info anywhere#my body is literally shutting down I have two golf ball sized tumors and I can’t get out of bed but I can’t sleep#my car is kaputt and I have to call several different shops to get it seen because the one I took it to couldn’t fix it#and is any of it worth it!! is any of it!!#I cried for like three hours today bc I tried to talk to my mom about it and. well. she was very much a mom about it and not helpful#like yeah! obviously I want to graduate in June! but my research isn’t even approved because I haven’t been able to get myself#to complete the application for the last six months! Jesus Christ!#I can’t sleep and I’m so tired I’m so so tired my brain just straight up isn’t working!#I swear to god if I finally meet with my advisor and he does his well you don’t seem to need my help bullshit again#I’m gonna actually snap and kill him#anyway. need to do three things by end of Wednesday. just three things#clean. irb. and paid leave. that’s it that’s all.#it’s what I’ve tried to do the last four days and I’ve accomplished none of it but. Jesus Christ it’s gotta get done#FOUR THINGS I have to call the shop to get an estimate for a car I’m not even going to bother to fix#ok vent session over#delete later#fkdjdjshhaa im a MESS#sprite save me 😭#save me sprite. save me
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#negativity cw#my younger siblings are better than me and my mom has said it many times#my first attempt at university I withdrew six weeks into my first semester#when my oldest younger sib (4 years younger) went to university#during that first semester my mom told me they had a running joke about them lasting longer than me when the 6 week came around#same sibling did a semester abroad last fall#completely on their own initiative#while I was in community college my mom encouraged me to get a job as a tutor#this sibling also got a tutoring job completely on their own initiative and my parents didn’t find out about it until after the fact#this sibling has been managing uni in a dorm and while during the pandemic#I lived at home and commuted all throughout my uni#they are managing their grades and classes and mental health diagnoses on their own#while I needed my parents riding my ass to stay on track in college#also one of my coworkers has a son who is also 4 years younger that me#and he is completely paying for his own tuition through scholarships and a co-op job#my mom has straight up said that they are better than me and. it’s true.#they are. they are going to surpass me
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Gonna try actually being in uni tomorrow and I'm dreading it. Chairs are the bane of my existence rn.
#still can't bend my knee and I'm a little concerned#got 6 weeks to 4 months of recovery apparently#and I get to find out if I need surgery on Friday
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Oh I was panicking and thought I would have needed to work until 11pm but apparently I already almost reached my daily minimum without noticing
#also shout out to my family for finding ways to prevent me from working for 2 days in a row#i can do this amount only 2 days per week now to stay on track on my weekly goal i have to do the full 6 hours all the next 4 days#...i must be the only person in the world that really wishes of doing a whole 8 hours of work day#i guess when it's your family stopping you from it even working too much sounds good
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#tonight or tomorrow morning actually is the 4 year anniversary of my dog dying and like surprise surprise lol im still not over it like.#i honest to god dont think i ever will. i honestly dont know how people move on and get other pets and just. keep on living like i#understand it like for some people it's part of the healing process but i just could never do it. like i just cant even fathom#i dont know that's not the point. the point is im having such a hard time because everytime i do anything tonight i keep thinking#4 years ago i still had my dog or 4 years ago in 5 hours i didnt know id be going to the vet at 1am and going home without my dog at 5am#and i just keep reliving it no matter how hard i try to not. and on one hand i want it hurt like i want to remember it just to punish myself#i just i just cant move on like it's just. i went 24 years of my life without ever experiencing death and then 4 years ago today my dog dies#in the most tragic possible way ever and then 11 months later my other dog who i had for 17 years since i was 8 dies and yeah still#not over that one either because i never let myself process that or truly grieve her because i had to shut that up real tight#or i would have lost it for real. and i have the most fucked up miserable tragic dreams about her so many nights a week#because she was old and had been u know. like old dogs do they just decline and that was impossibly hard to watch but at least i kind of#knew it was coming u know but like with my other dog. there was just absolutely no warning it was so sudden and it just ripped me apart and#i honest to god will never be okay again and then 6 months after all that i find out my ex died and only because after 6 years i finally#Finally decide to have the guts to talk to him again and apologize and explain and try to be friends and then nope he's dead#then in between all those deaths a super close family friend died and my grandpa my dad's dad died and like it's just#i had never even experienced death before and then all of a sudden i was engulfed in it and i just dont know how to come back from it.#but tonight is just. painful. like i havent even said his name out loud since it happened. i cant talk about him at all just writing this i#want to cry like it just fucking hurts forever. and it should i guess.#and i feel so stupid because so many times i wonder if my cat even remembers them and i wonder if she misses them too and idk#that makes me feel stupid and emotional and im just a wreck but i should be.
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Stress! Stress!!! Stress!!!!!!
#such is life#my mom broke her foot so she's not really able to do anything for 4-6 weeks#so it's gonna be a long recovery so I have to take care of her plus the dog plus work#and I find out if I get a scholarship today#but the online server is overwhelmed#I'm overwhelmed too#no idea what am going to do for the next 4-6 weeks#it's just gonna be hell#ugh
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