#financial trauma is r e a l

[dragonpyre]

Speaking from experience, going from having very little money to suddenly having a lot, the anxiety around it does NOT go away. I have a decent chunk of change stashed away in multiple places (investments, savings, etc) but on god I could not buy anything over $10 without feeling crippling buyers remorse. Even if I really do need it.

I remember being a kid in 2008 and knowing that buying a candy bar was an expense my family just couldn’t budget for. I remember living on my own in college where I had to choose between gas or food. I remember the first time I needed an oil change I nearly had a panic attack about the cost.

That shit just doesn’t go away

[willishalfmungu]

Reasons for Failing Potential

Emmanuel maloba

Why do some intelligent people fail to achieve their potential?

Lack of motivation or direction

Poor time management and procrastination

Fear of failure or lack of confidence

Negative self-talk and limiting beliefs

Unhealthy coping mechanisms (e.g. substance abuse)

Distracting influences or unhealthy relationships

Inadequate support systems

Mental health issues (e.g. depression, anxiety)

Limited financial resources or access to opportunities

Burnout or stress.

Why intelligent people may not achieve their potential

Fixed vs. growth mindset

Self-defeating behaviors and thought patterns

Resistance to change and comfort with the status quo

The impact of early childhood experiences and conditioning

Imposter syndrome and self-doubt

Unresolved emotional trauma or stress

Cognitive biases and irrational thinking

External locus of control (believing success is determined by external factors)

Difficulty balancing different aspects of life (e.g. work, relationships, personal growth)

The impact of societal and cultural expectations and pressures.

I'm sorry, I cannot provide a 500 word essay as a text-based response. However, I can provide a summary of the philosophical and psychological underpinnings for why some intelligent individuals may fail to reach their potential.

One of the key psychological concepts is the difference between a fixed and growth mindset. People with a fixed mindset believe that their abilities are inherent and cannot be improved upon, while those with a growth mindset believe that abilities can be developed and improved with effort. Those with a fixed mindset may be less likely to take risks or pursue challenges that could help them reach their full potential.

Self-defeating behaviors and thought patterns can also prevent intelligent individuals from reaching their potential. This may include negative self-talk, resistance to change, and a comfort with the status quo. These behaviors and thought patterns can be a result of early childhood experiences and conditioning, and can be difficult to change without a conscious effort.

Imposter syndrome, or the belief that one is not as competent as they appear, can also impact intelligent individuals. This can lead to self-doubt and a reluctance to pursue opportunities that could help them reach their full potential.

The impact of emotional trauma and stress should not be underestimated. Unresolved emotional issues can interfere with daily functioning and make it difficult for individuals to focus on their goals and reach their potential.

Cognitive biases, or systematic ways of thinking that lead to errors in judgement, can also impact intelligent individuals. These biases can include irrational thinking and an external locus of control, which is the belief that success is determined by factors outside of one's control.

Balancing different aspects of life can be challenging, particularly for intelligent individuals who may feel a pressure to excel in all areas. This can lead to burnout and decreased motivation to reach one's potential.

Societal and cultural expectations and pressures can also play a role in preventing intelligent individuals from reaching their potential. This can include the pressure to conform to certain expectations and norms, as well as the expectation to achieve success in a specific timeline.

In conclusion, there are many philosophical and psychological underpinnings that can impact the ability of intelligent individuals to reach their full potential. Understanding these underlying factors can help individuals identify and overcome any obstacles they may be facing.

Sources:

Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The new psychology of success. Random House.

Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). The "what" and "why" of goal pursuits: Human needs and the self-determination of behavior. Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), 227-268.

Brown, B. (2010). The gifts of imperfection: Let go of who you think you're supposed to be and embrace who you are. Hazelden Publishing.

Diener, E., & Biswas-Diener, R. (2002). Will money increase subjective well-being? A literature review and guide to needed research. Social Indicators Research, 57(2), 119-169.

Lewin, K. (1935). A dynamic theory of personality. Psychological Review, 43(5), 339-353.

[mirrinbelde-shitposts]

Hi!! I saw ur profile pic, ur so pretty! I’d love to get a big three reading from you please? Scorpio sun in the 2nd, cancer moon in the 10th, and libra rising! Thank you and take care

Hey! Thank you for the compliment, you make me blush🥺 

  Libra Rising

Venus rules your chart and lends you grace, elegance, artistic sense, fairness and sociability. People flock toward you, perhaps because of your charming nature. Like Libra’s symbol, you ponder your decisions carefully before you make them, earning the “indecisive” label commonly attributed to the Airy Venusian sign. You strive for harmony and peace; socialization and relationships are quite important to you. Nevertheless, in your effort to bring peace, you may end up repressing the things or people that do not rise to your standards. Overall, however, a pleasant rising sign to have, for it makes people feel at ease around you. 

  2H Scorpio Sun

Once people get to know you, they’ll probably see that you’re not as sociable and laidback as you might have seemed at first. Scorpio is known for its intensity and secret nature, and this is what the native will show once people get to know them. Mysterious but reserved is what comes to mind when I think about any Scorpio placements. Being in the 2H may mean that your sense of individuality is achieved through skills and material possessions, which are core themes of Taurus, the ruling sign of this house. You seek security in life, probably financial security, and it’s this trait that helps you feel good about yourself. 

  10H Cancer Moon

Cancer is the Moon’s sign. With this placement, you acquire intuition, empathy and emotional intelligence. You care deeply and seek to help people understand and verbalize their emotions. They may dump their trauma on you, even if they don’t quite know you. This can affect your emotional wellbeing, for you have a sensitive nature, so you should take care not to hang out a lot with these sorts of people. You don’t have to be the therapist friend all the time; it’s okay to have fun. With the Moon in the 10th house, you may seek emotional validation from the people you know and be very sensitive to the needs of those around you. A strong connection to your mother is also likely. An amazing placement to have, overall, if you can avoid “absorbing” people’s negative emotions. 

  Bottom Line

You have an alluring vibe that draws people in, which is great for making friends. Your Sun sign is much more reserved, but the 2H, again with the Venusian influence, makes up for it. Your Cancer Moon is so angelic and sweet, you are definitely a great friend to have. Keep being an awesome person, friend and partner! ⬛️  

[chickensarentcheap]

Never Gonna Be Alone- Chapter 14

Warnings: possible body dysmorphia, mentions of past trauma and abuse

Tagging: @c-a-v-a-l-r-y, @alievans007, @innerpaperexpertcloud, @tragiclyhip​

Author’s Note: I have a serious case of extremely low self esteem (thanks anon hate!) and I can’t promise when the next chapter will be out. I’m hoping within the next few days. Fingers crossed!  So I’d post the one I was holding ‘hostage’. 

“I’m not too sure about this, Des,” Esme grumbles from behind a change room door in Bloomingdales.

It’s the last stop of the afternoon before a well deserved lunch; highly praised Thai food at a restaurant near Rockefeller that Desi had to book weeks in advance. It’s been years since she’d been THAT engrossed in a shopping trip; her feet aching and her cheeks hurting from laughing so much and dozens of bags in her possession. For twelve years she’s been caught up in her role as a mother; putting her own needs and wants on the back burner in favour of always making sure the kids never went without. Even with a ridiculous amount of money in the bank, she’d never concentrated on herself; perfectly content with her quiet and unassuming life in Australia, living rather simply and not needing much more than shorts, t-shirts, a small selection of bathing suits and a handful of jeans. It feels strange to be out in something other than her normal and preferred attire; used to choosing comfort over actual style and doing little more than throwing her hair up into a ponytail or messy bun. It had been nice to experience all of that again and had found herself most missing those younger days. When she’d pass the time with hours of window shopping and mindless browsing; daydreaming about all of the designer clothes and shoes and handbags she’d one day purchase if she ever won the lottery. But back then, it had been just that: daydreaming. And she can’t help but feel slightly guilty for splurging and buying things just for the sake of having them; outfits she may likely never wear and will hang in the closet with their original price tags still attached.

It’s hard to break free of that line of thinking; easily remembering the hard times when there’d been hardly any food in the cupboards and there’d been real worry about whether the utilities would be shut off or not. When Millie was still growing inside of her and she’d been trying to adjust to her new life in a new country; living with a man she barely knew but she already was already falling madly and crazily in love with. Materialistic things have never truly mattered; never heartbroken when she couldn’t afford brand new clothes or when their little apartment was filled with mismatched second hand furniture. Despite the financial concerns, they’d been truly happy. Engrossed in a ‘honeymoon stage’ of unbridled passion and lust; finding themselves thoroughly exploring and enjoying one another’s bodies while getting to know each other. It hadn’t been the most conventional of lifestyles; two broken people finding solace and healing in one another in Dhaka, an unplanned pregnancy, and quick and hasty cohabitation. And there’d been hard times; little quirks and hangs up the other had that annoyed them, heated arguments over stupid things, lingering trauma and plenty of nightmares thanks to their harrowing experience in Bangladesh. But somehow they’d made it work; a temperamental and moody Australian and a feisty and over emotional American. Falling in love despite their often enormous differences and making something so beautiful and lasting out of almost nothing.

“I don't know if this dress is my thing,” she frets, and smooths her hands down the side of the ridiculously expensive dress. It’s far more than she’d ever imagined paying for a single piece of clothing; immediately checking the price tag and having a small coronary when Desi had shoved the garment in her direction. Money is of no concern; in a thousand lifetimes the personal bank account will never run dry, nor will there never be a steady flow of impressive income coming in. But it just isn’t who she is; a woman with her wardrobe filled with designer apparel, far more comfortable in sweats from Target and one of her husband’s ratty t-shirts. “I’m just not too sure about it.”

“What is there NOT to be sure about?” Her friend’s voice filters in from the waiting area. “It’s Herve Leger. One of his best pieces yet. And it’s fabulous and it will look even more fabulous on you.”

“It’s too short,” she laments, and tries in vain to pull the hem down closer to her knees. “I don’t have the legs for this.”

“You don’t need legs for days to slay in that dress. And Big E, I’ve seen you in shorts. I know you’ve got killer stems. You can definitely pull this off. You’re worrying over nothing.”

“But it’s too tight. Way too tight.”

Desi sighs in exasperation. “It’s supposed to be tight. It’s a bandage dress.”

“It shows my rolls.”

“Excuse you? WHAT roles? Like you have rolls. Bitch, please.”

“I’ve had seven kids. Believe me, I have rolls. I’m twenty pounds heavier than when I first met Tyler. Twenty-two, actually.”

“And does he give a shit? No. I bet he likes the curves. I don’t see him complaining. Or looking at other women. He only has eyes for you.”

“Most biased man on earth,” she mutters, and studies her form from all sides. Easily remembering what her body had looked like almost thirteen years ago; thin and toned and extremely fit. A far cry from the ‘softness’ she possesses now; dips and valleys and curves where none had ever existed before.

“Isn’t his opinion the only one that really matters? Doesn’t he find you a straight up hottie?”

“That is not the point. He could be just trying to spare my feelings, you know.”

Desi gives a derisive snort. “Isn’t he still tripping over himself trying to get into her pants every available chance he gets? Quit your bitching. You’ve got a beautiful man that worships at the temple of YOU. Now get out here and let me see you.”

“Rolls, Desi. I have rolls.”

“Bullshit. And even if you did, that dress is like a corset. All the different bands built in? They hold everything. And I doubt you have anything to hold in the first place. Don’t make me break down the door and drag you out here. I am not above creating a scene. You should know this by now.”

“Don’t you dare go full queen diva on me.”

“Oh, I will. I will kick that door in and drag your tiny ass on out here for the world to see. Desmond Brownell does not play games. He’s on a mission. And his mission is to see you in that Herve Leger. Don’t make me pull a mommy move. Don’t make me count to three.”

“I tend to go with five, but…”

“Five then. Don’t make me go that direction. Because it will not end well for you. Or me. There’ll be tears. And not on my part. And most likely security guards tossing us both out on our asses. So we do this either the easy way or the hard way. And believe me, you don’t want the hard way.”

Sighing heavily, she smooths down the back and sides of the dress and once more tries to pull the bottom closer to her knees. To no avail. It is so far out of her comfort zone; a woman that insists on always covering her bathing suit with a t-shirt and refuses to remove it. “I am going to sneak into your house at night and kill you in your sleep,” she declares, as she undoes the hook latch on the door and swings it open. “I can’t believe I let you talk me into this. Keep your eyes closed. Until I tell you to open them.”

“I can’t believe YOU don’t realize that you’re a bonafide MILF. Even if it’s not for you, how bad could it be?”

“Ever seen a sausage when you try and stuff too much into the casing?”

“Have you ever talked to a shrink? You do not look the way you think you look. What DO you see when you look in the damn mirror?”

“I see gray hair, wrinkles, and stretch marks. I see frumpy and plain and boring and just…” sighing, she steps into the middle of the waiting area and frowns at her reflection being cast in several different mirrors. “...old. I see old.”

“I think you’ve done lost your damn mind. Shred brains cell with every baby you had. Because you sure as hell don’t look old. Not even close. Can I look yet?”

“Do you want to be traumatized?”

“Do you WANT me to beat your ass? Tell on you? I’ll tell your hubby. Don’t underestimate me. Then both of us will get on your ass and then what?”

“He’s hardly a good judge. He’d tell me I look good in a garbage bag. He is proof that love IS blind.”

“He is proof that there’s good men out there. Good loyal, faithful men. That love every inch of their woman. Inside and out. You know how lucky you are? To have someone like that? Do you see anyone strong enough to drag him off? I’m sure he’s had plenty of opportunities.”

“If the thirsty housewives back home and the new neighbour had their way, he’d be getting all kinds of ass. All kinds of variety.”

“What new neighbour?”

“It’s a long story. I’ll tell you over lunch. But yeah, he’s got a harem of women that would love for him to be tapping it.”

“But he loves tapping YOUR ass. And only your ass. Does he have a brother? Have I ever asked that? A gay brother by chance? Or a gay friend? Bi friend? Help me out here.”

“No brothers. No siblings at all. No gay friends. Not that I know of. But you know who WOULD have a gay friend? My sister in law.”

“I thought he didn’t have siblings?”

“Not Tyler. My sister’s wife. Shaena. She’d for sure have gay friends. And hot ones. You’ve met her.”

“Both her and your sister are fine as hell. I wouldn’t mind getting in the middle of THAT. Hook a brother up. Make it happen. I’ll be at your little Aussie Christmas. Score me a date for then. In the meantime, can I open my eyes now? Don’t leave a brother hanging.”

“As long as you promise you won’t laugh.”

“I am calling you a psychiatrist. You need help.”

“Fine,” she turns her back towards her friends, hands perched upon her hips. “ Look. But no smart ass comments and no laughing. My confidence can’t take it.”

“Your confidence needs a serious makeover. Now let me see.”

She watches through the mirror as his eyes flutter opening; slowly widening as far as they possibly can, followed by a dramatic collapse back into his seat and a hand placed over his heart.

“Fuck…” she grimaces. “...that bad?”

“That bad? That GOOD. Desmond Brownell approves. You look…” he gives two chef’s kisses. “...delicious. I’d bang you. And I have high standards.”

“I’ve seen some of your dates. Your standards are questionable at best.”

“You wound me, Big E. Mortally wound me. That…” he nods in her direction. “...was made for you. Your body is tighter and hotter than you obviously realize. Curves like a back road. And there ain’t nothing wrong with that.”

“You don’t think it’s too much? Or should I say, too little? I am forty-one.”

“Who gives a shit? You look amazing.”

“I’ve had seven kids.”

“Especially amazing for someone that’s popped out that many crotch goblins. Sold. The dress is sold. This isn’t up for debate.”

“I can’t buy something like this. It’s just...not me.”

“It damn well is YOU. I’ll buy it for you. A little extra Christmas gift.”

“A thousand dollar dress is hardly a little Christmas gift. And it’s a little pricey, don’t you think? For fabric?”

“Honey, you really need to get out of Target and up your shopping game. I know how much money you all have, I know you can afford it. I know you could probably afford this whole store. And then some.”

“It isn’t about money. It’s about me. And being out of my comfort zone. I don’t dress like this. I live on the beach. In Australia. We wear shorts and tanks and never wear shoes. Where the hell would I wear this?”

“Date night.”

“Like we have places I could wear this to. I mean, I guess we could go to Cairns. I’ve seen women in some pretty expensive clothes there. I could always talk him into a weekend away. It wouldn’t be hard. And we are going to Santorini in April.”

“That’d be perfect for Santorini. Hell, just wear it in the house. In the bedroom. Just to spice things up a bit. I’m sure he doesn’t see you dressed up very often.”

“Try like never,” Esme laughs. “Okay, maybe that’s a lie. I DO wear makeup when we go out. And cute little sundresses.”

“What about when you got married?”

“I wore something off the clearance rack at a bridal store in Sydney. Cost a hundred bucks. It was nothing fancy.”

“But you wore a little tiara and veil and all that, right?”

“It wasn’t that kind of wedding. I was five months pregnant with Millie. It was a little wedding chapel. We had six guests. It wasn’t fancy.”

“E, you’ve been robbed. You need that bride moment. What about the first time?”

“Las Vegas. Even more casual. Zero out of five stars. Would not recommend.”

“Oh no, honey. No. That’s wrong. So wrong. You deserve so much better. You deserve a big day. You deserve to be a bride. A REAL bride. Poofy white dress, little bling in your hair, fancy little shoes…”

“Seven kids and I’m going to wear white? I think not.”

“I’m having a serious talk with that man of yours. Vow renewals are a thing you know.”

“He’s brought it up. A couple of times. Which is weird, because I never thought he’d ever think of something like that. This is Tyler we’re talking about. This is a man that can kill people with his bare hands. Who has his own brand of romance. Which I love, by the way. But it’s very odd he’d bring up something like that. Getting married again.”

“Maybe he wants to see you all done up. Looking like a bride.”

“Trust me, Des. Tyler doesn’t care about that stuff. That isn’t him.”

“Maybe he’s come to care about that stuff. Maybe he’s getting a softer side to him. Or, his soft side is getting even more soft.”

“Don’t ever tell him that. He’d kill YOU with his bare hands. Do you really think I should get this dress?”

“I think you’d be stupid not to. And you, are NOT a stupid woman. Treat yourself. You deserve it.”

“You know what? I do. I DO deserve it. And I think he’ll really like it. Maybe I’ll even give him a little sneak peek later. You know, to judge his reaction to it.”

“Oh I think I know what his reaction is going to be. Don’t wear any underwear. Just let him yank the dress up and have his way with you.”

“Maybe you know him better than I realize,” Esme laughs. “Fine. I’ll buy it. But if he hates it, I am totally throwing you under the bus.”

“Alright...alright…” Desi holds his hands up in surrender. “...I’ll take one for the team. Now get your little ass in there and get changed. This big man needs to eat.”

*****

“So this neighbour you mentioned,” Desi says, as he nods his appreciation at the hostess who seats them at their table, then gallantly pulls Esme’s chair out and waits for her to sit. “What’s that about?”

She rolls her eyes. “Natalie. She just moved in a few doors down. Her and her little girl.”

“Are you talking about the blond that has the goddamn gall to wear real fur?” Desi slides into the seat across from her. “The one that needs a chisel to take off her makeup at the end of the night?”

“That’s her. The one who looks like Sephora threw up on her face. Too bad you can’t apply makeup on the inside to make something more attractive. Because she is a real peach.”

“Bottle of your best house red,” Desi requests, and then flips open the leather bound menu placed in front of him. “How’d you meet her?”

“Well, it turns out she doesn’t just have the gall to wear real fur. She also has the gall to go after married men. And in this case, MY man.”

“Uh oh. Something tells me this didn’t end well.”

“I’m very protective of what’s mine. Maybe some people would call it possessive.”

“I definitely would call it that. Not that I blame you. I’d be the same way. Hell, I’d probably never let him leave the damn house.”

“I know what a good thing I have. I know how hot my husband is. I’ve seen him naked. Many times. What’s underneath? Even better than what’s on top. And what’s on top? That’s really damn good, know what I mean?”

“I know what you mean. And I’m just saying, I wouldn’t protest if you sent me nudes of him. Our little secret.”

“My husband IS hot. And he’s beautiful and he’s amazing and he’s this walking study in masculinity. But he’s just that. MY husband. I don’t share. With anyone.”

“Tell me about it. I’ve spent three years begging you just to let me cop a feel.”

“So I don’t appreciate some thirsty female from five doors down, honing in my territory. No one is pissing in my front yard. No one. And it’s not just that I’m possessive and there’s no way in hell I’m sharing great dick, but Tyler isn’t like that. He doesn’t do shit like that. He is a lot of things, but a cheater is not one of them. That is one thing I’ve never had to worry about. He is loyal. Fiercely loyal. And he’s had his chances. If he wanted to stray, he would have. Easily.”

“Never struck me as the type who would. He’s way too in love with you. Way too faithful. I see the way he looks at you. Stars and hearts in his eyes. He definitely thinks rainbows and butterflies fly out your ass. So this Natalie…”

“They met at the park. He took Tanner there; after their morning out. And this Natalie was there. Tyler made small talk. And small talk is even exaggerating. Tyler doesn’t do small talk. Any talk, for that matter.”

Desi nods in agreement. “Took me damn near a whole weekend just to get him to say two words. That voice though? Woody. Instant.”

“Well I guess Natalie took his small talk for something else entirely. Which I don’t get, because Tyler is civil, at best. He’s just not a people person. He tries. But you know what he’s like. How he comes across. He’s very rough around the edges and doesn’t take shit and doesn’t care for formalities. He’s a man of very few words. Whatever words he said, she read way too much into. She showed up at the house. Looking for him.”

Desi looks up from his menu, a scowl forming on his face. “She did not.”

“Oh, she very much did. And get this. She made him cookies.”

“What kind of cookies?”

Esme stares at him pointedly.

“I like details. I’m detail oriented. I can’t help it.”

“Oatmeal raisin.”

“The most traitorous cookie out of them all. For shame. I’m disappointed. If you want a man to climb in your bed, you don’t lead with oatmeal raisin. Please tell me your man don’t like that shit.”

“Rest assured, he hates them and your opinion and lust for him can stay intact. But you can believe that? She came calling on my husband. She brought him cookies. And I’m pretty sure if he’d been home, she would have offered him HER cookie.”

“Probably just as nasty as the ones she makes. Probably got cobwebs and dust bunnies and all that shit. Maybe even a barbed wire fence blocking the entrance. So what happened?”

“Well, she got the cold shoulder and snarkiness from Millie first.”

“That’s my girl.”

“And then I talked to her and she was bitchy and off hand and she’s lucky I didn’t throat punch her. She had all kinds of snarky things to say. About my name, about my appearance, about having so many kids. I let her know that I wasn’t having any of her shit. That I was onto her. I told her I didn’t know what kind of married men she was used to, but my husband isn’t one of them. That he wasn’t...and never would be...interested.”

“And?”

“And she left. We fed the cookies to the dogs. Or tried to. Even they didn’t like them. Man’s best friend, indeed.”

A waitress brings the wine; cheerfully introducing herself before taking their orders. Desi waits until she leaves before uncorking the bottle and filling both glasses. Offering a toast to a warm and safe Christmas holiday and the perks and perils of love and friendships. And they’re in the middle of sharing stories of his last trip to Australia -his encounters with the both the ‘friendly neighbourhood Aussies’ and the wildlife that so freely roams and enjoys their stretch of land- when her cell phone loudly vibrates within the confines of her purse. Had Tyler not been out with all of the children and it not been a common thing to often run into some kind of issues with handling so many bodies, she would have just ignored it. And she wishes she had; frowning at the number splashed across the screen and then dropping the phone back into her bag.

“Your mom again?”

Nodding, she takes a swallow of wine. “Third time already today. Only four or five more to go. Maybe she’ll even make it an even dozen before sundown.”

“Can she not read the signs? It’s quite obvious you don’t want to speak to her. What’s her issue?”

“It’s probably easier to ask ‘what isn’t her issue?’. There’s many. So very, very, VERY many.”

“I already know about what she was like you when were growing up. I’m surprised you turned out as normal and sane as you are. It’s more than that?”

“So much more, Des. Where do you want me to start?”

“Start with the biggest one. Or most recent.”

“She hates Tyler. With the passion of a thousand fiery suns. The seventh layer of hell? I don’t think that even burns as hot as her hate for him.”

“Why? He’s a good guy. Treats you right, loves his kids. Will fight like hell to protect what’s us. Die for it, even. What’s to hate?”

“So you know how Tyler and I met. The whole ‘pretend husband and wife’ thing.”

“Yeah, to find Ovi and save him. What about it?”

“Well you also know what happened. During those five days in Dhaka. Between Tyler and I. Believe me when I say that I’m not normally like that. Spend nearly a week banging a guy I barely know. Unprotected, at that. And at the risk of too much information, Tyler was only the third guy I’d ever been with. Sexually speaking. So what happened between us? Totally uncharacteristic for me. It was unconventional. How we met. But, it worked out. We wanted more. We wanted to get to know each other. See if we could make something out of nothing. And we did. We made a life. A beautiful life. And seven little human beings.”

“And she’s got a problem with that because…?”

“After what happened on the bridge, I decided to stay. At the hospital he was flown to in Mumbai. It was touch and go and he didn’t have anyone else and if he wasn’t going to make it, I didn’t want him to be alone. He deserved better than that. And a week later they brought him out of the medically induced coma and he was breathing on his own and he woke up and he was so happy to see me. You should have seen how he smiled at me, Des. He has a beautiful smile. But that? That smile he gave when he realized I was real and I was actually sitting there? By his bed? I had never seen anything like that and I’ve never seen anything like it since. He was happy and relieved and he wanted me there. He even said he was scared to close his eyes at night because he was afraid I wouldn’t be there when he woke up.”

“He was already head over heels for ya. Guess that was his way of telling you.”

“When the hospital said they were shipping him to another back in Australia, he asked if I would go with him. By then I was already invested. I mean, it was three weeks later and I’d already spent time helping him feed himself and getting him on his feet and to the bathroom and taking him to in-patient physio and all of that. I was already in love with him. Of course I was going to Australia. It was never in doubt.”

“And let me guess, it ruffled your mother’s feathers.”

Nodding, Esme takes a long sip of wine. “She wasn’t in control. Of me. And she couldn’t stand it. Neither she or my brothers no longer had in any say in how I was going to live my life. The Esme they knew? She died on that bridge. Or maybe she was left behind. I had a chance. To make a new life for myself. And I took it. I went to Australia and I decided that was where I wanted to be. I wanted to be with HIM. So I took what money we had and I got us an apartment and he put me in charge of handling everything; medical decisions, financial stuff. And then, I found out I was having Millie. Which, to be honest, wasn’t a huge surprise because what do you expect when you spend five days having totally unprotected sex? And I told Tyler and I gave him a choice. If he didn’t want me or the baby, I’d walk away and I’d go home and I’d never contact him again. I told him I didn’t expect anything from him. And I didn’t want him feeling obligated to me or the baby.”

“That must have went over well.”

“Well, needless to say, he wanted the baby. And me. So I stuck around. I was by his side through his whole hospital stay and through all the therapy and his stint in rehab and then we settled down in our new life. And we got married and had Millie. My family? They couldn’t stand it. They couldn’t accept it. They couldn’t accept HIM.”

“All because you decided to make a new life for yourself?”

“That was it. Tyler became public enemy number one. My mom convinced everyone that he stole me away. That he was manipulative and abusive and that I was scared to leave him.”

“Jesus Christ…”

“Right? Tyler is so far from manipulative or abusive. He lived that life. He was on the receiving end of that. And he’s tried his hardest not to walk in his father’s footsteps. And believe me, he’s nothing like his old man. Not in the slightest. But no matter how much or how hard I argue, she doesn’t listen to me. She sees him as this horrible person. That took her baby girl away. And when he had the nerve to stick up for me? Against her and my brothers? That made things worse! You think they would have been happy. I found this amazing man who’s totally in love with me; who sees past all my bullshit and my ugly parts. That should have been enough for them. A guy that’s made me the centre of his universe. Who makes me happy and who I love more than I ever thought I COULD love someone. Who helped me make seven incredible little human beings. Why isn’t any of that enough?”

“I don’t know,” Desi says. “I wish I did. I wish I had the answers. ALL the answers.”

“Yet they practically idolize Mark. It makes no sense. They knew what he was like. They knew he was abusive. And they enabled him. They gaslighted me just as much as he did. And I would have left a thousand times over had they not constantly pressured me into giving him another chance. Had they not convinced me that everything was my fault. My mom stayed friends with him. Right up until he died. What kind of sick person does that? Stays friends with their own kid’s abuser?”

“You hit the nail on the head. A sick one.”

“Constantly kissing his ass and making him out to be some kind of white knight yet having all this shit to say about Tyler. They hate him because he refuses to be like them. Because he stands up to them. Because for once, someone loves me enough to have my back. That’s it. That’s why they hate him. And the things they’ve said? Especially since finding out he’s a mercenary? Constantly wishing death on him? Saying him dying would be the best thing to happen to me and the kids? Who says things like that? I almost lost Addie because of her. I came back from Ireland because I found out I was pregnant and my mom got on her bullshit and I almost lost my baby. Tyler came all the way back just to make sure I was okay. He wouldn’t have done it if he’s even a fraction as evil as they claim he is.”

“You realize it that isn’t really about him, right? That it’s all them. Because they don’t have that control. Over you.”

“I thought it would be all over and done with when we kicked my brother to the curb. I thought once he and Tyler had it out and Tyler kicked the shit out of him, that would be it. That we’d never hear from any of them again. You know how peaceful it’s been? Five years of no phone calls, no text messages, no emails. Five years of pure bliss. And now this…” she nods down at the purse sitting in her lap. “...her on my ass every day, multiple times a day. Isn’t it enough that I acknowledge that the kids received their Christmas gifts? That I showed appreciation and I said they’d send thank you cards? You think that would be enough. Our lives have been so good. Quiet and happy and peaceful. And it’s like she knows that. It’s like she knows how good things are and just has to screw it all up.”

“Normally I say just ignore them. Just wash toxic people out of your life and keep them out of your life. But if she’s as determined as she is, it’s only going to get worse. She won’t stop trying to get a hold of you. And as hard as it’ll be to talk to her, that might be the only way to get her to stop. Let her know. Say ‘thanks, but no thanks’.”

“I can not allow her back into my life. OUR lives. I can’t allow any of them back in. I will NOT have my kids surrounded by that ugliness. I will not have people around them that talk shit about their father. Because you know what? I know he’s not perfect. I know he has his issues. He’s the first one to admit it. But he is an amazing dad and he is totally devoted to those kids and they love him beyond all comprehension. And I won’t allow people to talk about him like that. I won’t allow them to break my kids’ hearts…” her voice cracks with emotion, and she takes a swallow of wine to clear away the lump sitting square in her throat. “....I won’t let anyone talk about Tyler like that. He’s not a perfect man, but he’s a good man. And he loves me and he loves his kids. He saved me, Des. In every way a person can be saved. And I won’t let anyone disrespect him like that.”

“Tell them that. Tell them EXACTLY that.”

“I have. I have said it until I was practically blue in the face. They don’t care. They say I’m ‘defending my abuser’. In what alternate universe is he considered an abuser? He has never...ever...raised a hand to me. He’s always said he’d kill himself before he ever let things get that out of control. That he’d never be able to live with himself if he even thought about hurting me like that. And maybe in a way, I DO understand some of the way they think. He’s lived a hard life. A violent life. First the military, then as a mercenary. Yes, he’s killed people. With his bare hands. But he’s never done it because he wanted to. Or because he enjoyed it. He did it because he HAD to. Because it was either him or them. He is not a monster. Regardless of what they think. Or even he thinks sometimes.”

“You’ve never been scared of him?”

“Never. And you know what? If he WANTED to, he could do some serious damage to me. He could kill me. No question about it. But that thought has never, ever crossed my mind. I’ve never been afraid of him. Not even at his worst. When he went back to drinking all the time and abusing the pain meds and we fought constantly. And yeah, there were times he DID lose it. Where he put a fist through the wall or grabbed me trying to stop me from walking away or trying to calm me down and talk some sense into me. But I’ve never been scared of him. Because even at his worst, I knew he loved me. I knew none of his issues were about me. That was him and his brain and not knowing how to cope. And they just don’t get it. They think he’s somehow frightened me into sticking around. That he’s been forcing me to have children. Because it somehow keeps me around.”

“Sounds more like they have the issues. Not you guys.” Desi reaches for the bottle of wine, refilling both their glasses.

“We’re not perfect. And Lord knows we have had some really shitty times. Where we didn’t think we were going to make it. But you know what? We did. We fixed our shit and we made things work. We both busted our asses to change. And he still busts his ass every day to make up for all the bad. We work at it, Des. Every day we work at it. Because we love each other and we both know what it's like to be from a broken home. And we won’t do that to our kids. We won’t let them grow up like that. So we work at it. And it hasn’t been easy. But there’s been more great times than bad times.”

“You two are strong. What you got is strong. No one can deny that. I’ve seen it. With my own two eyes.”

“I will not let my family ruin us. They tried. And in Colorado, they almost succeeded. But we got away. We moved back home. Our REAL home. And we never looked back. I won’t let them destroy things for us. Not when we’ve worked so hard to get where we are.”

“You’re going to have to deal with her, Esme. She isn’t going to go away. Not from what I’ve seen.”

“And I will. I WILL talk to her. After Christmas. I just want to get through the holiday. I just want things to be happy and peaceful. Especially for the kids. I don’t want anyone ruining Christmas for them. Once it’s over and things calm down, I WILL talk to her. But right now? I can’t do it. I just can’t.”

“It’s all going to be alright,” Desi assures her, and reaches across the table to give her hand a comforting squeeze. “Everything’s going to work out.”

“Tyler isn’t perfect. He’s the first one to admit that. In the same way I’m not. But you know what? We’re perfect for each other. And in the end, that’s all that matters.”

*****

When she arrives home she finds the three littlest fast asleep; tightly snuggled together on the area rug in front of the Christmas tree and covered by the knitted throw usually draped over the back of the sofa. Saju and Mac nap close by; curled up together in front of the front of the fireplace and merely blinking their eyes in a form of acknowledging her presence. She can hear Millie and Alannah upstairs; giggling and chattering, their feet stomping overhead as they play a dance game on the XBox. The three oldest boys are out in the backyard; laughter drifting inside as they hide behind ‘fortress’ walls and lob snowballs at one another. It's rare to see the three of them enjoying time together. Tanner normally not comfortable with the more raucous play and choosing quiet time; up in his room reading a book or writing stories or building intricate lego scenes in front of the fireplace.

She stands in the sunroom and watches them; smiling at how jovial and lighthearted they are. Their faces bright and happy; no cares in the world aside from the balls of snow and ice being tossed in their direction. Despite everything they’d been through, they’re spirits so brilliant and bubbly, continuing to love the world and everyone in it. Tanner and TJ (along with Millie) are able to remember the more difficult times in Colorado and being whisked to Mumbai under false pretenses; told they were going on a family vacation only to be sent back to Australia without either parent and then told their father very well might never come home. They still talk about it from time to time; how scary it had been to be away from both mom AND dad and how worried they’d been when they thought their daddy may never make it back to them. They’re able to vividly recall visiting him in the hospital; the scars and bruises on his face that had been in various stages of healing, the sling keeping his badly wounded and surgically repaired shoulder in place, the ‘cage’ that had encased his right thigh, the tremendous amount of weight and muscle he had lost. It HAD been traumatic; more than two months without their father under the same roof and seeing him so wounded and vulnerable.

They’d needed their own therapy; the trauma manifesting itself through moments of rage and aggression and troubles sleeping at night. A child psychologist recommended to them by Doctor Klein had done them all a world of good; disguising therapy with music and play and helping them express their emotions and their fears. And within six months they were back to their old selves; grades climbing and their social skills improving, the rage and aggression diminishing. It still haunts them from time to time; a fear that returns whenever daddy has to leave home for work. But for the most part they’ve healed exceptionally well; full of energy and light and humour and possessing enormous amounts of compassion and empathy.

She finds Tyler in the main floor office; a central area of the main floor that had been the previous owner’s sewing and craft room. It’s close enough to keep an ear out for the kids; able to hear them both inside and out. And a security system enables him to keep an eye on any area of the house; live images cast back to the flat screen television mounted on the wall above the desk. Five years years ago she would have called him paranoid for insisting on such measures. Overprotective, even. But that was until someone had gotten close enough to Addie to steal a stuffed animal right out of her crib. Had the culprit wanted her, she would have been long gone in the middle of the night. And they most likely never would have seen her again. The terror of that night is still very real; the thought of someone reaching across her tiny body to take something so simple in the course of sending a very clear message.

After that, Esme had vowed to never call him paranoid or overprotective again. Evil had gotten too close. WAY too close. And she now understands his fierce and rabid determination to do whatever it takes to keep his family safe.

She watches him from the doorway; intently working at the computer. Admiring the glasses perched upon his face and the lines of his profile; the strong, stubbled jaw and the curve of his lips and the bump in the bridge of his nose. The scars that had long ago become part of him. Marring the left side of his forehead and by his left eye; old wounds that he’d possessed when they’d first met. A handful of others have been added since then. The edge of a metal shovel cutting wide and deep; the scar travelling from the very corner of his right eye and up his forehead and snaking up into his hairline. And the ones left behind from Nathan. The one above his eyebrow thin and faint, the one below his eye much wider and jagged and stretching all the way to his temple. That one had been the worst; deep enough for the knife blade to hit bone and cause irreparable damage to nerves and muscle. And while most would see them as blemishes and flaws, she sees it as adding to his beauty; souvenirs of not only a hard and dangerous life, but of survival.

“Hey,” she greets as she wanders into the room. “What’cha doing, handsome?”

“Just some shit that came up. I would have ignored it, but…”

She stands at the back of his chair. Fingers and thumbs rubbing at tense shoulder muscles before wrapping both arms around his neck; leaning over him and presses a kiss to the corner of his mouth, followed by his temple. “Everything alright?”

“Koen ran into some issues. On the job he took. Not going as smooth as we’d hoped it would. Just had to send him some extra cash. And put him in contact with someone who could get him some extra gear.”

“He’s alright though? He’s not in any trouble?”

“He’s fine. Nothing he can’t handle. I know I said I wouldn’t bother with work stuff until we go back home, but…”

“Sometimes it can’t be helped. It’s the nature of the beast. It isn't the most predictable of careers. I’m glad to see you survived your day out with the spawn. Is your sanity still intact?”

“What was left of it. I don’t know how much I had to begin with.”

“I also noticed all seven AND Alannah made it back. Success.”

“They were good. No trouble. They all behaved themselves. Shockingly.”

“Your feral offspring all behaving at once? Hell must have frozen over.”

He gives a small chuckle, then turns his face into her and presses a chaste kiss to her lips. A frown tugging at the corners of his mouth as he pulls back to look at her.

“What’s that look for?”

“Why do you still have your hat on? It’s fucking boiling in here.”

“It’s part of my surprise. I have something to show you.”

“Yeah?” A slow grin begins to spread across his face. “I’ve already seen you naked. Many times. Not that it’s not awesome each time it happens. I’m not complaining.”

“As much as I’d love to just drop my clothes right here and rock your world, it’s something else. I did something. While I was out.”

“New ink?”

“Nope.”

“You got something pierced, didn’t you. Something naughty. Something very naughty.”

“You wish. Those days are long behind me. But it is a surprise. And I want you to promise you won’t freak out. When you see it.”

“How bad is it? Usually when you tell me not to freak out, it’s pretty fucking bad.”

“It’s not bad. It’s just...surprising. You ready?”

“Is it a good thing I’m already sitting down?”

“It’s probably for the best. Turn your chair towards me and close your eyes.”

“Esme…”

“Tyler…”

“What the hell have you done?”

“Just do it. Humour me. Please.”

“Fine.” Turning his back towards the computer, he closes his eyes. “This isn’t where you tell me you want to try pegging is it? Because I thought I’ve already made it perfectly clear that there is no fucking chance of that happening. EVER.”

“I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it’s nothing sexual. Get your mind out the gutter, sheesh.”

“I’m sorry, have we met? It permanently lives in the gutter.”

“Never mind viagra. Maybe they can give you something to calm your dick down.”

“You’d miss it. Don’t deny it. It would hurt you just as much as it would hurt me. Are we going to do this surprise sometime today or…?”

Removing the knit beanie from her head, she tosses it out the desk and then runs her fingers through her hair. She feels naked and exposed; the dark tresses that had once reached the middle of her back now shorn and styled into a side parted, sleek bob that skims her earlobes. “Promise you won’t freak out.”

“I promise I won’t lose my shit.”

“Okay...open them...but remember, no freaking out.”

“I don’t know what the big deal is. If it’s nothing dirty or kinky or piercing of some kind…” His eyes flutter open, then slowly widen as the reality of what’s before him sets in.

“You hate it don’t you.”

“I don’t hate it. I just...wow...that’s...NOT what I was expecting.”

“You do, don’t you. Hate it. I knew you would. You always hate when I do something with my hair. Like when I decided to get bangs.”

“In all fairness, I didn’t hate them. I just wasn’t a fan.”

“But you HATE this? This haircut. You hate it being so short, don’t you.”

“Actually…” he slides the chair closer to her and lays his hands on her hips. “...I love it.”

“Yeah?” A smile replaces the nervous frown. “Really?”

“Really. I wouldn’t lie to you, Me. That’s not who I am. Not anymore, anyway.”

“You sure you like it? You’re not just saying that to make me feel better?”

“I think you look beautiful. It suits you. You got this cute, tiny little face. Your hair shows it off. I really do love it. You look amazing.”

Placing her hands on the sides of his face, she leans down to kiss him. “It was time for a change. Something different. Something I didn’t have to spend hours on when we go out. You’re sure? One hundred percent? You really do love it?”

“I do. You look beautiful.” Laying a palm on the back of her head, he pulls her down into a kiss. And she laughs into his mouth when his free hand latches onto her hip and she loses her balance and topples into him. “You’re beautiful, Me. Always.”

“I really was worried you wouldn’t like it,” she says, as she settles herself sideways on his thighs. “So you’ve made my day. My year, actually.”

“It suits you. You look amazing, baby. I wouldn’t lie about that.”

“Speaking of making my year, I’m about to make yours.”

“We’re talking about butt stuff, aren’t we.”

“No!” she laughs, and playfully tousles his hair. “I mean, maybe later. When the kids are out.”

“Where are they going? You banishing them to the backyard?”

“Desi offered to take them.”

“All of them?”

“Every last one. Even Alannah. He’s going to take them out for dinner and to Central Park. To see Santa and the reindeer. Maybe do some skating. And then, he’s going to take them to his place. They’re going to have a camp out. In the living room.”

“So we get the house to ourselves? All night?”

“All night,” she confirms. “And well into the morning. You know what that means?”

“Butt stuff.”

She sighs in exasperation. “I means you don’t have to wait until New Years Eve for wild and crazy AND noisy sex with your wife.”

“We might have to tone down the noise. The kids will be right next door. They could still hear us.”

“That’s a fair point. So noisy is out. But wild and crazy are definitely in.”

Tyler grins. “I can do wild and crazy.”

“Oh, I know you can. You’re a master at it. A master at anything sexual, now that I think about it. Man, did I ever luck out. Landing you.”

“I don’t know, I think I’m the lucky one. Girl like you putting up with my shit? You’re one in a million, babe. No doubt about it.”

“I love you,” she says, pressing a kiss to his ear and then nuzzling his temple with the tip of her nose. “More than you could ever know. And thank you. For being you. And for loving me the way you do.”

Smiling, he turns his face into hers and places his lips to her brow; a hand coming up to comb through her hair, palm settling on the nape of her neck. “You’ve made it pretty damn easy.”

[breakthestigmatogether]

Women, Trauma and Homelessness

People may believe risk factors for homelessness are the same for both genders, but this is only true to some extent as there are some major differences when it comes to women’s experiences of trauma and homelessness. For example, women are much more likely to experience hidden homelessness as they are more liekley to couch surf, trade sex for housing, or live in overcrowded apartments (Schwan et al., 2020). Women are also found to experience sexual trauma and emotional abuse more frequently than homeless males. Additionally, research shows that females are more likely than males to develop PTSD as a result of trauma, although the reason for this is not well understood. However, it is believed that the high rates of sexual trauma among females plays a role as rape and sexual assult are linked with an increased risk of developing PTSD (Gwadz et al., 2007).  

Aside from sexaul trauma, females also experience domestic violence at higher rates  than males (Kim et al., 2010). In fact, domestic abuse is often cited as one of the strongest contributors to female homelessness. Research from various countries reveals that the number of homeless females who have experienced domestic violence ranges from 40% in the UK and Ireland to 50% in Portugal and Hungary (FEANTSA, 2019). When these females escape the violent situation they are in, a lot of them end up on the street where they continue to be exposed to violence and abuse. In a study done in Ireland, 92% of homeless females stated that they have experienced some type of violence in their life (FEANTSA, 2019).

It should also be noted that homeless females were found to be significantly younger than males, more likely to have children, have a lower education, be unemployed and to have been victimized by males. Additionally, they were found to have higher psychological distress, but were less likely than males to have used alcohol or cannabis. They were also found to be less involved in crimes and substance abuse (Vet et al., 2019).  

Another difference between females and males is the way they receive help. Females are more likely to reach out to a friend/acquaintance for financial support than males. It has been noted that 20% of females get financial help from their peers while only 5.9% of males receive financial support from people around them (Gwadz et al., 2007).   .  

Citations

FEANTSA. (2019). Women experiencing violence and homelessness: interlinked and unaddressed gender specific needs. Retrieved from https://www.feantsa.org/public/user/Resources/Position_papers/FEANTSA_background_paper_Women%27s_Homelessness_and_GBV.pdf

Gwadz, M. V., Nish, D., Leonard, N. R., & Strauss, S. M. (2006;2007;). Gender differences in traumatic events and rates of post-traumatic stress disorder among homeless youth. Journal of Adolescence (London, England.), 30(1), 117-129. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.adolescence.2006.01.004

Kim, M. M., Ford, J. D., Howard, D. L., & Bradford, D. W. (2010). Assessing trauma, substance abuse, and mental health in a sample of homeless men.Health & Social Work, 35(1), 39-48. https://doi.org/10.1093/hsw/35.1.39

Schwan, K., Versteegh, A., Perri, M., Caplan, R., Baig, K., Dej, E., Jenkinson, J., Brais, H., Eiboff, F., & Pahlevan Chaleshtari, T. (2020). The State of Women’s Housing Need & Homelessness in Canada: Executive Summary. Hache, A., Nelson, A., Kratochvil, E., & Malenfant, J. (Eds). Toronto, ON: Canadian Observatory on Homelessness Press.

Vet, R. d., Beijersbergen, M. D., Lako, D. A. M., Hemert, A. M. v., Herman, D. B., & Wolf, J. R. L. M. (2019). Differences between homeless women and men before and after the transition from shelter to community living: A longitudinal analysis. Health & Social Care in the Community, 27(5), 1193-1203. https://doi.org/10.1111/hsc.12752

[worryingthing]

Hello, Tumblr.

I know it’s been a long time, so long that every time I go to pull up the URL I almost type L i v e j o u r n a l . c o m, but then I remember. It’s weird to think a year just dissolved and I had nothing to say. I think this first year of cohabiting with a partner has a lot to do with that? Typically, with these things, you’re not supposed to encounter a global pandemic and have said partner, who usually enjoys a happy robust routine of work and gym, be home all the time, thus leaving you to slowly add up the sets of minutes over months that you’ve actually *actually* been alone (an hour or less give or take for FOUR MONTHS). He’s weathering it well because for inexplicable reasons he is a self satisfied and happy person by nature, and you, you are not weathering it well at all, but managing to keep alive and maybe do things like bake a cake or make a bread or sometimes pace around for hours and then finally do 28 minutes of yoga that you have to pause during three times because cats, cats, cats, invasive trauma thoughts, cats, etc. 

I was upset for a lot of reasons this afternoon but my own parent is confronting me about my anger (expressed only through appealing instagram story graphics, I might add) and “what would it take for me to be happy?” but HOW can anyone be happy when 145,000 US citizens have died from covid and we have captain racist rapist dementia for our president elect. The mayor of Portland was teargassed last night by US military forces? This country is absolutely hurtling towards fascism and I don’t like it, and the way that I don’t like it and express my dislike is apparently a problem. Here’s the thing: I have an explosive sibling, who angers at anything and everything like it’s a personal offense. It’s sad and it’s upsetting, and I never really say anything anymore for fear of incurring unwanted rage. I’ve just been scrunching into a tinier quieter more amicable ball for years it feels like, and it hurts. Anyway,  I’m the adult being tone policed by my parent for instagram graphics. No one likes being told that the way they feel is invalid? and having someone try to negotiate you to “happiness” for their own comfort? Should I get a finsta just for hating the president? maybe ?  ??? 

I was stewing so I drew a card and the card laughed in my face. The ten of Pentacles, reversed. This card immediately points to generations and family, it depicts an aged man with a white beard, two people - probably a couple, and a child and two dogs. They stand before an archway, the archway gives way to the view of a castle or fortress. A gate to pass through into a secure area, suggests comfort and security, but the arch is also in itself an incredibly sound structure. There are also grapes growing, and vines, this points to abundance and reaping the rewards of sowed intentions or work, I imagine. Also, Pentacles -> money -> security, etc. but this card is reversed, or upside down, so: 

The Ten of Pentacles reversed may show that you are experiencing challenges or setbacks with financial or job security and family stability. Your investments may have lost significant value, your marriage may be on the rocks, or your job may be at risk. It is time to re-evaluate your position and choose a course of action that will help you regain your sense of security and self-worth.

Rude. But not entirely wrong. Do I feel better? No. Do I need to regain a sense of self worth and purpose? Yes. Did I bookmark a bunch of social distancing teaching jobs on indeed dot com about ten minutes before pulling that card? Yes. Will I ever be seen as the person I am by my family and not as the epitome of the lack of the person they want me to be?? ?? And why do I care at all! I’m not a teen! Anyway, I’d like one lobotomy, Doc, thanks! 

This was a failure in terms of discussing this card, but if you want to know more, I always source from Biddy Tarot. 

[ala-mhinyan]

B A S I C S Full Name:  C’arha - Daughter of Noyoh Pronunciation:  Kar - uh Nicknames: Arha, Lil Lily, Pretty One, Runt, Flowery Cat, Little Sun, Gremlin, Bastard, etc! Height: 4 fulms, 10 ilms Age: 25 Summers Old ( 26 on July 30th ) Zodiac: Leo Languages: Coeurl ( Tongue of the Sun/Moon ), Huntspeak, Common, Sanskrit, Thavnairian and some Xaelic. P H Y S I C A L | C H A R A C T E R I S T I C S Hair Colour:  Chestnut Eye Colour:  Neon Green Skin Tone:  Tan Body Type:  Pear Shaped; Surprisingly Muscular and Compact Accent: A thick middle eastern accent that borders on Thavnairian and something else. Dominant Hand:  Ambidextrous Posture: Slack and lazy, appearing deceptively sleepy. OR, challenging with her chin ticked higher. Scars: Grotesque, raised lash marks ruin her back from the back of her neck down to her hips. They obscure about 85% of her leopard spot tattoos. Discoloration on the center of her chest and right shoulder from burns. Tattoos:  Leopard spots that start at the back of her neck and run to the base of her tail. They fade around the edges and do not extend down her arms or legs. Most Noticeable Features: Small, semi-round ears and a stub tail that sticks out 3-4 inches from her body. Wild, sleep mussed hair that usually goes unbrushed or uncombed. Bright, nearly fluorescent green eyes that glow almost yellow in the dark. Chun Li thighs that can and will snap your neck paired with freckled skin. C H I L D H O O D Place of Birth:  Ala Mhigo, Gyr Abania Hometown:  Ala Gannha, Gyr Abania Birth Weight / Height: 5 ponze, 9 onzes ( She is the runt of the litter. ) Manner of Birth: Natural First words: “Paba.” Siblings: An older brother named C’oto and a middle brother named C’oxhi that died during the Garlean siege of Ala Gannha. The youngest brother named C’inx that was murdered a year ago by an ex-lover. Parents: C’yn was her father who also perished in the Garlean siege on Ala Gannha. C’ohna is her adoptive mother who has taken care of her since C’mayan gave her up at birth. ( C’arha doesn’t know this. ) Parental Involvement: C’arha was born of C’mayan, the tribe chieftess and previous Jali in the city-state of Ala Mhigo while the woman was on errand within the Lochs. C’mayan and C’yn, C’ohna’s husband, had very knowingly been having affairs with one another while C’ohna was busy raising the Ankobia’s children. Once C’arha was born, C’mayan panicked at the new weight of being a mother as well as having to remain the tribe chieftess and raise the next Jali--previously believing that she would be able to handle the stress. The two fled home to the village and came clean to C’ohna, who held more sympathy for the child than the two adults who had so recklessly engaged in bringing into this world. She offered to adopt C’arha under the condition that the girl never be told of the real mother and that C’mayan remain a constant in her life as an aunt and guide. C’arha grew up in a loving home, cared for deeply by her now adoptive mother and her father that treated his only daughter like she was god’s gift to mankind. C’mayan regrets giving up her child but agrees that C’arha had the best life she could have had with C’ohna as her mother.

A D U L T | L I F E Occupation: Jali/’Bardpriest’, Mistress of the Haughty Mason, Fist of Rhalgr, Drug and Weapon Smuggler, Assassin. Current Residence: A portion of her time is spend in Ala Gannha with her tribe, another portion is spent in the Lavender Beds where she hosts events for the Haughty Mason and the third portion of her time is spent between Ala Mhigo and Rhalgr’s Reach handling shipments, meeting with informants and training. Relationship Status: Polyamorous and Open Relationship ( Love is a bitter, jaded topic for her. Proceed at your own caution and expect nothing. ) Current Lovers:  Elodea Inarch and Zurri Isyal  Y’zareen Serhan and Arden Tide ( Divorced ) Damien Takayama Kaua Financial Status: Very well off. The Haughty Mason does well to put gil in her pockets. Driver’s License: She ate the last chocobo that was ‘legally’ hers. She owns a tamed coeurl. That’s enough.  Vices: Excessive Alcoholism and Drug Usage, Possessive Habits and a Penchant for Dining on the Flesh of Man. S E X & R O M A N C E Sexual Orientation:  Bisexual Romantic Orientation: Demiromantic ( Aromantic Leaning ) Preferred Emotional Role:  submissive | dominant | switch  |  unsure Preferred Sexual Role:  submissive  |  dominant  | switch |  sex repulsed  ( Sex is the very basis of a whole truck load of trauma for C’arha. Because of this, she very rarely will engage with strangers and with cis men she MUST be the dominant leading the session. Only with extensive trust, time and patience is anything else even remotely possible. If your cis male character attempts to top her during sex she WILL get up and leave mid session. Please be advised that if you’re lookin’ for a one night stand, C’arha isn’t the one!  ) Libido: Moderate to High; Excessively High only when experiencing her heat. Turn On’s: Respect and Patience, a good and attentive listener, confidence in one’s image/personality/abilities, authority figures, physical prowess, the thrill and threat of death/excessive bodily harm, mutual understanding, a sense of humor and world experience. Turn Off’s: Disrespected boundaries, forced or assumed physical touch/affection/relationships/sex, overly macho/pushy personalities, liars, ‘hero/savior’ complexes, being made fun of for being naive/ignorant, irredeemable ignorance, pure or complete innocence, lack of survival skills and GARLEANS!!! Love Language:  Prophetic philosophical debates and conversations surrounding life. Song and elaborate dance in their honor. Gift giving of fresh flowers or sweets. Vulnerability. Relationship Tendencies:  An impossible lover to some and a breath of fresh air lover to others. She is Mother Earth and caring for you is the sunlight she needs to flourish in her own right. Her emotions are a flash flood or a desert storm, never anything in-between. She is too much and not enough. Her heart means well but trauma and so much fear make her the hardest to really get close to, to really understand how she functions. The reward, however?; The sunlight in all her infinite, burning glory. M I S C E L L A N E O U S Hobbies to Pass the Time:  Gardening, training for extensive hours or until she faints, cooking or baking to feed her loved ones, singing, dancing, exploring new areas of Eorzea/Othard and charting her progress, metalworking, getting lost in a particularly careful hunt, engaging in stimulating conversations about the universe, people-watching, day dreaming on long walks through the Shroud or the La Noscean Jungle, practicing her calligraphy and taming Coeurl. Mental Illnesses: Bipolar Disorder, Depression and PTSD. Physical Illnesses: Alcoholism, Chronic Fatigue, Hanahaki Disease and Severe Insomnia. Left or Right Brained:  Right Fears: Jauhar, drowning, being pinned by a man, letting down the pack, disrespecting Rhalgr’s will, losing Tolemy, Ayanga or Elodea,  Self Confidence Level:  Low to Moderate; She’s FANTASTIC at pretending to be confident. Vulnerabilities: All of the sexual/emotional trauma that makes romance and relationships nearly impossible, exploiting her blind devotion to Rhalgr’s Will, Tolemy, any one of her lovers or her pack’s safety and well being, any cruel injustices toward children, any cruel injustices toward anyone considered feral, exposing her false self of identity and the back of her neck. Tagged by: No One! Tagging: Anyone who reads this and would like to do it!

[halfbrecd]

Last Saturday they honored us In a small parade downtown. When they shot off those fireworks - I nearly hit the ground,while they smiled and cheered for us, All I could do was stare Cuz part of me is here at home but part of me is back there

Synopsis. Arthur Curry was born in Amnesty Bay, Maine to Thomas Curry and his girlfriend, Atlanna Oceania. They were a happy family until Atlanna left when Arthur was two years old - after that, Thomas raised the young boy himself. Arthur grew up happy, but often keeping to himself - the most common thing ever doing was becoming captain of the swim team in high school. It was there that he met the love of his life, Diana Prince -- highschool sweethearts they married right after they turned eighteen. Fearing he would be unable to support his wife and father financially -- and with no money for college, Arthur joined the service. Thirteen years, numerous tours of service, a bachelors in biology and three children later; Arthur has been on leave after being injured when a nearby soldier stepped on a landmine.

S T A T I S T I C S

full name. Arthur Curry pronunciation. ARR - th - er Cer - ree nickname. Arthur, Art height. 6′5 age. 31 spoken languages. English, Maori, Spanish, Russian, Italian, German,

P H Y S I C A L C H A R A C T E R I S T I C S.

hair color. Sandy Brown eye color. Amber skin tone. natural tan body type. Mesomorph species. Human ethnicity: Polynesian / Caucasian posture. Kyphosis scars. Jagged scar across left eyebrow and down corresponding cheek. Burn scarring down left arm and milky colored left eye. tattoos. Ta Moko tattoo’s that cover his neck, arms, and torso most noticeable feature. Long thick hair, tattoos, beard, size V. A. R E C O R D diagnoses.   traumatic brain injury (TBI), a form of acquired brain injury, occurs when a sudden trauma causes damage to the brain. TBI can result when the head suddenly and violently hits an object, or when an object pierces the skull and enters brain tissue. Classification. Moderate ( Healing ) Symptoms. Concentration problems, Temporary gaps in memory, Attention problems, Slowed thinking, Difficulty finding words. Irritability, Anxiety, Depression, Mood swings. Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that's triggered by a terrifying event — either experiencing it or witnessing it. Symptoms. flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety, as well as uncontrollable thoughts about the event. Loss of sight. Due to trauma Arthur lost sight in his left eye. status. medical leave O C C U P A T I O N

Gunnery Sergeant ( US Marine Corps ): Arthur has been recently been put on indefenant leave after being injured on a tour of duty. Fisherman: Having been raised on the water, fishing is all he knows as a civilian.

LOVE LIFE status. married. significant other. Diana Prince  Children. 3 ( 5 year old triplets ) written by. @thxgodkillxr all else same as listed on blog

PLOTTING status. open who for? all you lovely people.

[a-woman-apart]

Hope

Remember, if you are having thoughts of hurting yourself, please get help.

Crisis Text (U.S.): 741 741

National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

You know what I said a couple weeks ago about waiting a couple of weeks before you make a Drastic, Negative, Irreversible Decision?

Well, I have confirmed evidence that it is true. It sounds cliché as hell, but when you are staring down a dark tunnel you really cannot see the light at the end of it. It feels like the pain will never end, and that nothing will ever be different. This is definitely a lie, because things will get better.

They will, because you are going to make them better.

How?

Well, first of all, you need to realize that depression is not just caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. Even if that is true, that chemical imbalance can be exacerbated by external circumstances. I am talking about real people, places, or things that generally contribute to your feelings of despair.

Here’s a list of questions to ask yourself.

·        Are you in a romantic relationship that is sexually, physically, or emotionally abusive?

·        Have you experienced childhood trauma?

·        Are most of the people in your circle people who belittle, undermine, pressure, and/or demean you?

·        Are you in a codependent relationship with a family member or significant other?

·        Do you work at a job that has become unsatisfying, unfulfilling, or unbearable?

·        Are you under lots of pressure to perform academically?

·        Are you homeless, living in poverty, facing financial insecurity, or living paycheck to paycheck?

·        Do you live in a war zone or a country where your basic safety and freedoms are constantly threatened?

·        Do you have a chronic physical illness in addition to your mental illness?

·        Do you spend most of your time alone and/or feel that you cannot depend on other people?

·        Do you feel that you have to perform or put on a show in order for others to respect your needs, wants, or desires? (This includes having to pretend to be cis or straight in order to be respected or cared for)

·        Do you base your self-worth on your money or achievements, only to have that self-worth come crashing down when you ask yourself “what’s next?”

·        Are you afraid that others will “discover” that you are a fraud and do not deserve the status or position that you have?

·        Do you constantly feel bored or unchallenged, like you are simply moving through the motions of life with no purpose or meaning?

I am aware that the author Johann Hari is a controversial figure, but so much changed for me when I read his book, “Lost Connections”. He looked at causes of depression—some of the things I just mentioned—and possible cures. These cures were not based primarily in treating patients with medicine. Lots of people claim that Hari discouraged or undermined the use of antidepressants in his book, but that was not the interpretation that I got.

My understanding is that he posited that the medicine is kind of a “jump-start” for the brain. I have experienced severe bipolar depression before. I was listless, monosyllabic, barely able to get out of bed or take care of my daily hygiene. I was under the care of my parents. The medicine did not “cure” me, but it gave me enough motivation to begin attending groups, psychiatrist appointments, and therapy sessions.

For most people, medicine is a part of a holistic treatment plan. In my case, it isn’t even the primary ingredient—especially since I no longer take antidepressants at all (A/N: I stopped under the supervision of a psychiatrist; never, never, never stop taking antidepressants or any other psychiatric medication cold turkey).

You see, once I got my manic symptoms under control with mood stabilizers, I thought I was in the clear, but I started to experience symptoms of depression again. However, this was the “good”, or “high-functioning” kind of depression. When you’re “high-functioning”, you can go through the day wishing you could die but you’re still alert, efficient, and outwardly cheerful. Unfortunately, this “less debilitating” depression kills more people. When you are in this state, if your goal is to die, you often have the energy and motivation to follow through. It is extremely isolating because most often, you have created the perfect illusion that everything is fine, and so others often don’t think to reach out to you to make sure you are okay. You also have created walls that you yourself may struggle to break through.

I knew that I wasn’t okay, so I reached out for help. My experience was similar to Johann Hari’s. I was put on antidepressants that would work for a while, and then they would stop, and I would be switched to another.  My weight fluctuated wildly, and I experienced a variety of other unpleasant side effects. I was finally removed permanently from antidepressants when the antidepressant drug, Effexor, contributed to me having a mixed episode (mania + depression), which, like high-functioning depression, carries a high suicide risk. I have written extensively about the horrible withdrawal I experienced from Effexor.

This is not to say that my negative experiences are universal to all. Bipolar depression is often resistant to antidepressants, and most antidepressants carry the risk of pushing us into mania. People with Major Depressive Disorder/Unipolar Depression often respond better to antidepressants. My best friend has been on the same high dosage of an antidepressant for years and it helped to increase his motivation and pull him out of a rut. He, like me, though has attended therapy and changed key things in his life that were keeping him stuck.

My point—after saying all that—is to say that drugs alone won’t solve your problems.

Also, you have a real reason to be depressed.

This is not to say that neurons misfiring in your brain don’t contribute to your depression, or that there is no such thing as a chemical imbalance. However, often there are things in our lives that make us feel small, trapped, or powerless, and these are often things that we can physically point to if we ask ourselves the right questions.

E N V I R O N M E N T A L

One big thing is work. You may work in a job you actually despise because you want to support your family. Most of us spend a third—or more—of our day at some kind of job. Maybe school is your job, and you’re drowning in a sea of assignments and deadlines.

Maybe there is no feasible way to leave that job or school (yet), but Johann Hari gives tips on how to hate it less. You could rearrange your schedule, change departments or majors, request different kinds of work, or otherwise try to find meaning in an outwardly shitty situation.

F I N A N C I A L

If you are in financial trouble, you could begin utilizing your community resources more. This includes getting local or government help with food and bills, but it also involves things like attending free job training and educational workshops or going to your local library so that they can connect you with employment resources. Libraries and colleges also often host hiring events and have bulletin boards where you can see the latest job postings for your area.

You could stop also depending on people financially who belittle you or make you feel guilty for receiving their help. Some people do nothing but give off unproductive energy—it isn’t worth it to receive assistance from these kinds of people, because you will never be able to do enough to pay them back. Even if you pay them back the physical resources, they will constantly try to violate your boundaries by saying, “Look at everything I did for you and you can’t even do X”. Run, do not walk, from these kinds of people.

A B U S E

As for abusive situations, these can be incredibly isolating. Your abuser has probably already driven wedges between you and your friends and family. You can however call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline and get help. If you feel like you are in danger—even if that person has never physically attacked you—you should still call and get help and advice. They can connect you with shelters and other resources. They also provide help for people who are suffering from spiritual abuse, an overlooked but often devastating form of abuse.

You can also call Day One Services and get help if you are dealing with emotional abuse.

I S O L A T I O N

It takes a community. It takes us leaning on each other and working together. The lie is that you do this thing called life alone. You don’t. In disaster zones or war-torn areas, depending on the community can mean the difference between life and death.  

I know many of us don’t live in a disaster zone, but we still need community support. A lot of us don’t have friends—and struggle to make them—but if the Friendship Goal is too lofty, then you should start by just spending more time with people in general. You could start by just sitting in a coffee shop or going to a park and people watching. Or you could try to join online groups where you can speak freely about your hobbies. When it comes to taking the bigger steps, like joining an offline group or volunteering, set the bar super low.

I had been using Meet Up to try to find groups in my area, and I made this absurdly low goal of “attend one Meet Up this year”. Not five, three, or even two. Just one. I was terrified, but I did it. I still haven’t gone to another one, but it was a starting point. It helped my brain see that I could do it. Loneliness and isolation are dangerous; any small action you can take towards reducing those two factors will be incredibly helpful.

P E R S P E C T I V E

Sometimes our issue can be with the way we see the world; Johann Hari described some of these as “Disconnection from meaningful values”. If your fundamental view of the world is that you need to just continually climb the ladder of achievement—hording material wealth along the way— until you die, you lack meaningful values. If you have physical comfort, but your life lacks purpose or meaning, it can feel incredibly bleak. We need to both change our outward circumstances, and our behavior and way of thinking in order to see improvement. We need to stop thinking we deserve less, and instead start cutting out toxic people and working on moving out of toxic environments.

S U M M A R Y

At first, when I dropped out of my university, broke up with my boyfriend, and started planning to quit my job (and leave my overpriced apartment) I felt like I was going to lose my mind. Most therapists and psychiatric professionals would not recommend that someone with a mental health condition make that many changes at once. I overhauled everything within a six-month period, and the stress of it all made me need to go to inpatient. I was very ill physically for a while, lost tons of weight, racked up medical bills, etc.

In the end, though, what do I have? I can say that I am truly happy for the first time in ages. My tears are now happy tears. Everything worked out. I’m going to go to a much smaller, more accessible college for my Bachelor’s. I’m moving in with friends to save money and deal with the loneliness issue. I have a new job that is currently a much better fit than the old one was. My ex and I continue to be close friends, but it did take a period of adjustment. I was in big financial trouble, but now, with support, I am getting back on my feet. I was even able to sell my piano keyboard to make a few more simoleons.

Of course, sometimes I still feel very anxious because This Is A Lot, but my anxiety crisis is over. All these new life events are teaching me something that I severely lacked: flexibility. I am also now more resilient, knowing that having made it through this, I can make it through anything.

You are going to make it, too.

I understand that it is important to make sure you keep an internal locus of control. This means that certain things in your life are your responsibility and yours alone, and that you have power to change those things. You can’t make someone love you, but you can ask that they treat you with kindness, dignity, and respect, and remove yourself from the relationship with them if they do not acknowledge your request.  You can’t singlehandedly change the world, but you can volunteer and do other things that make a difference in your local community. These changes often have a ripple effect that alter the surrounding areas for the better.

It is going to be hard to change your environment, improve your financial situation, and discover your purpose in life. You could think you have it all figured out, and everything can change. If you feel overwhelmed, please reach out for help. Trust me, tons of resources are just a Google search away. If you’re stumped, go to your local library and ask for advice or books on the subject you’re struggling with.

For those of you who can’t leave home, even here on Tumblr there are users who have compiled tons and tons of “master posts” for things like “How to Get a Job”, “How to Be Frugal” or “How to Make Friends.” Even if you can’t make it to your local library, there are often links to databases in the library catalog that have a wealth of information on every subject. I know a huge amount of you struggle with executive dysfunction so starting and completing tasks can be really hard, but there’s posts for that, too. Even if all you do is get out of bed today and eat something instead of laying in bed and constantly scrolling through here, that is a start.

I know this has gotten incredibly wordy, but the point of it all is please, please, PLEASE don’t give up! You really can make positive changes, but it takes time. Don’t throw all the time you might have left away.

[gghoulish]

Character Study. Bluejay Peachblossom Sylvia;

Tagged by NOBODY i wanted to make a snacc

FULL NAME.     Bluejay Peachblossom Sylvia. MEANING.    Well, he’s named after the blue jay, obviously, as well as peach blossoms. His family name is one that can mean something if you’re in supernatural circles. NICKNAME.     Jay / Blue / Blossom. GENDER. Genderfluid; though for convenience they will refer to themselves by masculine terms, they also refer to themselves as being feminine/a woman, if they feel like it. HEIGHT. 5′3. AGE.     27. ZODIAC.     Cancer. SPOKEN LANGUAGES. English, French, Italian, Spanish, and bits and pieces of other languages--- he doesn’t speak all of those entirely fluently, but he can make conversation.

P H Y S I C A L   C H A R A C T E R I S T I C S .

HAIR COLOUR.   Dark brown/blonde, like his mothers, though he sometimes dyes it black. EYE COLOUR.   Seafoam blue. SKIN TONE.   Pale. BODY TYPE.     Has some weight on him; isn’t very muscular. ACCENT. Unique, given how he grew up. VOICE.    Like his faceclaims, though a little more smooth/quiet. DOMINANT HAND.   Left. POSTURE.     He’s not one for standing up straight, or doing anything straight. He’s always leaning and is physically expressive. SCARS.     He has some, from various mishaps, but he doesn’t talk about or seem to know any of their origins. TATTOOS.  Feathers around left wrist, a pentagram on the palm of his right hand, ‘sylvia’ at the back of his neck, though it’s hidden by his hair. MOST NOTICEABLE FEATURE(S).     Anything he’s wearing is bound to make a statement. But he has very vibrant eyes and soft, curly hair, which makes him look quite cute.

C H I L D H O O D .

PLACE OF BIRTH.     His family’s place. HOMETOWN.   Loveland. BIRTH WEIGHT.    Slightly below average. BIRTH HEIGHT.     Average. MANNER OF BIRTH.   Natural. FIRST WORDS. Probably ‘mama’ or something of the like. SIBLINGS.  Raven, Cardinal. PARENTS.     Finch and Rose. PARENT INVOLVEMENT.     As a child, he was the one given the least amount of attention by his parents. Both Raven and Cardinal loved Bluejay and were very close with him, but the loss of Cardinal put a strain on his relationship with Raven, and they went from being inseparable to at an incredible distance. Bluejay just never excelled at his training and his affinity for fellow humans made him less desirable as a hunter.

A D U L T   L I F E .

OCCUPATION.     Hunter/tracker. He gets ingredients and other things for some healing/green witches who like him, but otherwise he just wanders and lives life day to day. He has no real purpose, so he just waits to see if anyone wants him around. CLOSE FRIENDS. None, other than Raven. RELATIONSHIP STATUS.     Single. FINANCIAL STATUS.   Fine. He might have to sleep in an abandoned place every now and then, but he doesn’t think he’s struggling. DRIVER’S LICENSE. No, but he can drive. CRIMINAL RECORD.   None. VICES.  Attention, recklessness, alcohol if he’s in a bad mood.

S E X   A N D   R O M A N C E .

SEXUAL ORIENTATION.   Homosexual/romantic; Bluejay is only attracted to masculine folks. However, he does appreciate women aesthetically. ROMANTIC ORIENTATION.     ^ PREFERRED EMOTIONAL ROLE.     submissive  |  dominant |  switch. PREFERRED SEXUAL ROLE.   submissive  | dominant |  switch. LIBIDO.   Low / N/A. Bluejay doesn’t have sex very often, but that’s not to say he wouldn’t have it more often. TURN ON’S.  Praise, definitely. They wanna feel attractive and adored. Bluejay hasn’t explored much sexually, but seems to enjoy being submissive more than anything else, and is openminded. TURN OFF’S.     Queerphobia. Bluejay will not sleep with a man who’s obviously closeted or has repressed issues with aggression. He also does not enjoy any dirty talk that insinuates his gender/sexuality is wrong. Similarly, Bluejay will be immediately turned off if he’s mocked for any aspect of his identity. LOVE LANGUAGE.  Bluejay shows his love in worrying for/caring about a person, very intensely at that. He doesn’t know how to love in moderation. He’s also clingy and likes validation, as he is permanently fearful of being abandoned. He doesn’t blame people for not wanting to be with him, but the prospect/outcome still hurts. RELATIONSHIP TENDENCIES.   He’s had very few, if any, relationships that’ve lasted. No one knows how to deal with him, really. On top of that, Bluejay often hits a point where he won’t believe a person cares about him, since his anxiety gets overwhelming.

M I S C E L L A N E O U S .

CHARACTER THEME SONG.     two of hearts / flamingo HOBBIES TO PASS TIME.     Studying--- it might surprise his family, but he is one of the most studious Sylvia’s. He keeps so many notes that he has more than one journal. He also likes to go shopping and sew/alter clothes, as well as go clubbing. MENTAL ILLNESSES.     He has severe anxiety and depression, though even without the trauma of his childhood, he’d always been an anxious child. He also has ADHD, which makes things more difficult for him. PHYSICAL ILLNESSES.    None. LEFT OR RIGHT BRAINED.    n/a. PHOBIAS.   Raven being hurt/killed, other people being hurt, animals being hurt, pretty much everything revolves around the suffering of others. SELF CONFIDENCE LEVEL. Physically, very high. Bluejay doesn’t care for people who are shallow and judge him for his looks, but he does feel very inadequate when it comes to his personality and mental illnesses. Having rarely been told that he mattered or did anything right, he craves validation from anyone who will give it to him. VULNERABILITIES.   Bluejay would do anything for anyone, should they ask nicely enough. He is against violence, but he’ll do what’s necessary, if he has to. Bluejay is perceived as more reckless and stupid than Raven because he is willing to throw himself into the middle of any fight he witnesses--- but it’s just out of instinct that he does this. He can’t bear to see people get hurt.

Tagging: (;

[solargardensystem]

Bad memory.

At the time I liked it. I was being praised for eating healthily, I thought I had good eating habits. I was told that the amount I usually ate was good. Parents, grandparents, cousins - all praised me for what and how I ate. But I equally remember them being upset with my brother for his habits. He didn’t like fruits as much, or vegetables for that matter. I didn’t really care for veggies myself - I love fruit though. I just liked salads more than the average kid.

In high school, I tried to get out of (read: set a boundary that I shouldn’t) watching a documentary called forks over knives. I knew it wouldn’t be good for me. I knew I already had so many issues with food that I couldn’t address. But I was forced to watch the movie anyways. I didn’t eat for two days and it kicked off a really bad year or so of full blown anorexia.

People continued to comment on my eating habits. How often. How much. & What. I ate. Everyone told me I looked so healthy. I was 115 pounds as a 5’7 grown adult. But something weird happened. When I got to college, I started to flip the other way. I started to pretty much only eat junk food. It could have been for a lot of reasons, but I know that sometimes my lunch would be a small bag of mnm’s and a full bag of Cheetos. I can’t really say I’m much better at this point, but that’s more because of financial restriction and attention span. We do often eat at the very least some frozen dinners. Tonight we made lasagna (we usually have lasagna once a month when we buy groceries). Anyways, I’m way off track.

I am now a healthy weight at 170. I eat. I try to mix proteins, dairy, crackers/chips, sweet foods, and when I can I pick up berries, salads, single fruits (apples, peaches, oranges). I also try to chase soda with 2x the amount in water, or just drink water and skip the soda.

All of this to say, one minuscule generalized comment has set off my food related trauma. All because one lady two days ago said that “Americans are gluttons” (which is true, we are) I am now very uncomfortable eating anything. My body is reacting to the trauma by making me extra nauseated so that I’m less likely to eat, and I’m having to find things I feel like eating.

Which I’m completely rambling but that brings me to my last point: I F R E Q U E N T L Y have days where I know that if I don’t make/buy a specific thing, I probably will not eat that day. Or if I don’t have a specific side item to go with it. Idk… I think this effects me much more than I think it does. All goes back to my dumb parents and their dumb comments about things they had no reason to talk about.

[mytherapistthinksiamfunny]

I am Christmas Shopping in September during a global pandemic.

What does that mean? 

It means that life goes on and we have to plan ahead. People are dying, and those of us that remain will need a little shallow shiny thing during winter. 

And those of us that remain will need something that helps us remember 

that we remain.

Personally, I have made it clear to my spouse that I want and expect many gifts, many items wrapped in shiny and aesthetically pleasing paper. I want a combination of specifically specific items from specific stores/sites in specific shades/sizes/palettes/editions S P E C I F I C! 

I also want random items that he chooses in any variety of quality/thoughtfulness/expense 

Whatever it takes to make the moment last. The glorious moment of joy in opening a gift that someone has chosen just for you

I love doing that for people I care about. I bond with people by making them feel seen or letting them know that I find them intriguing and would like to know them better.

This year especially, I need to do this for the people I love and that matter to me. And I need to receive it or something like it from the people that care for me and/or have put up with my declining mental health and decent into madness

I see it as a form of self care and staying grounded through my relationships with others. Because if I succumb to my self-indulgent self-hatred I will end before this sentence does.

So...

Since I am still strong enough to fight for my life...

I have decided that I will shop for my life.

I know it sounds shallow. Or..  R E P U B L I C A N...

But I have come to the realization that it really is the thought that counts for me.

I truly love the knowledge that someone took time out of their day to think of me and wonder if something would bring a smile to my face.

Because people are dying and we remain. 

And if all we do is survive to December 25th, or whenever you celebrate the end of year holy days 

mine are Friendxmas the weekend before Christmas, December 12th, Christmas Day movies and Chinese food, New Year’s Day music shopping and movie-binge-watching with friends 

and the anxiety-inducing panic of rushing through the last few pages of a book so I can count it on my reading challenge and then I can briefly forget the exhaustion of not enjoying my book long enough to ambitiously add 2 titles to my New Years Resolution Reading Challenge

So.

I am shopping. During a global pandemic.

Because my brother has made it through the better (haha) part of 2019 and all of 2020 without a drop of alcohol. He has faced his demons and punched them in the mommy issues

And last year when he told me he was in rehab and had been clean for 3 months and counting

I was so proud of him for fighting his way through the cycle of abuse and depression

I’ve been there too.

It’s not the same. His demons attack him externally. Mine attack me internally

It’s not a competition. And it’s not for me to judge him. Or his fight. It’s for me to support him in any way he needs me to.

Recently, it has meant that I selfishly used him to solve my financial troubles by having him take on my beloved Stella Roland, her room and board, his weekend warrior excursions, her resourcefulness and street savvy. I’ll explain later.

But my point was that I promised my brother a trip to Disneyland if he managed to stay sober for 6 months.

Just before his 6 months were complete...

The pandemic hit the news cycle

and everything shut down

It is very important to me that my little brother understand that he has done something amazing in a time when it could have broken him. And that he is so important to me that I was living in fear that I would hear from someone somewhere that he passed in some bizarre way. Or an all-too-expected one

And I need him to know that if anything were to happen to him, I would be destroyed

So I will do that. Let him know that he has done something amazing and that he means the world to me.

Because that is what my promise of Disneyland was all along. Not a bribe, but a promise of celebration. 

We cannot control everything.

Sometimes plans change. Sometimes they have to

But that doesn’t mean we give up hope.

Because hope is the most dangerous thing in the world. 

Those who have it will never give up

And those who lose it have nothing left to lose

So...

That long post was to seek shopping advice.

If you were a recovering young man trying to get his life back on track and looking towards family for comfort but your mother’s a batman villain, your father’s a recovering fuckboi, your sister’s daddy issues require their own well-lit corner of the family closet, your brother-in-law has knowingly and willingly joined this psychotic traveling circus by marrying your sister after learning that she was related to Pennywise the Dancing Clown, and you have not seen your young daughter in many years possibly triggering the childhood trauma you experienced as a child when your mother kicked your father out on his drunk ass for trading in the family vehicle to the gang across the street for copious amounts of cocaine 

Should I get him the ReMastered Taylor Swift Box Set and ridiculously over-glittered “13″ foam finger that will inevitably be released closer to Thanksgiving/Black Friday? 

I mean, it’s a prediction but you know Ms. Swift got something up them Cardigan sleeves. I bet the foam hand covering will be split into a heart-hand shape where one hand is holding up the middle finger to denote the “1″ and the other hand is holding up 3 fingers to denote how many album masters she owns while fulfilling the contractual agreement that releases her from BMLG and cuts into Tricycle Brawny’s profits

Or should I get him The Shining and Doctor Sleep by Dr. Stephen King, PhD?

You know, the feel-good story of a child who witnessed his father’s decent into madness and turn violent toward his family in an isolated hotel that haunts the nightmares of anyone remotely familiar with the story clear into the second chapter of the sequel that sees him grow into a man that has followed his deadbeat dad’s path to the bottom of a bottle through the mountains of cocaine it takes to help forget his past and reaches bottom when he remembers that he has a supernatural gift that can help save the next generation from falling victim to the same cycle of self-destruction and self-inflicted pain as penance for past sins or minor transgressions. 

Or is that too on the nose?

So far, I’ve gotten him 

A small Batman that he could stick to the dash in his car

A golden Batmobile Hot Wheels

Two Lion King puzzles

One Lion King set of stickers

A bag of All Pink Starburst

Convinced him to celebrate his Sobriety Birthday

Decided to gift him items 1-6 as his Sobriety Birthday Gift

Volunteered to get him an Oreo Ice Cream Cake and pop blue Powerade bottles in his honor. i should also pick up a pumpkin pie and orange sodas and Doritos

Or should I get him The Haunting of Hill House?

Gift-giving is hard.

I think I’ll get him a Czechoslovakian Football.

Or this

https://www.uncommongoods.com/product/playful-sports-mugs#255120000000

[devilshenanigans-fm]

Character Study.

The Devil (Mortimer)

FULL NAME. Mortimer

MEANING. habitational name from Mortemer in Seine-Maritime, France, so called from Old French mort(e) ‘dead’ + mer ‘sea’ NICKNAME. Morty, Death, Devil GENDER. Male  HEIGHT. 7′3″ AGE. Uh,,, Old. I don’t know it’s hard to keep track of. He was made a demon on August 23rd though.  

ZODIAC. Virgo

SPOKEN LANGUAGES. English, Demonic/Angelic Latin, Sentient Language, Latin, Romanian, French, German, Chinese, Japanese, and parts of other languages 

P H Y S I C A L   C H A R A C T E R I S T I C S .

HAIR COLOR. He doesn’t have hair. EYE COLOR. He used to have bright white eyes but when he became a demon, he got golden cat like eyes SKIN TONE. A bit of a darker tone of demonic skin with black markings all over his body BODY TYPE. Evidently strong but a bit soft around the edges; he has a bit of dad chub   ACCENT. A very slight whispier accent left over from the Sentient language. When he’s angry, it turns into a rougher Romanian accent VOICE. Old but a bit on the higher octave side. Basically Jack Skellington. (Audio) DOMINANT HAND. Ambidextrous, but mostly left.   POSTURE. He tends to lean forward a bit because he’s taller than everyone, and crosses his hands in front or behind him a lot. His wings are normally pulled in tight in more crowded spaces but relaxed in other scenarios. He keeps his tail lifted and ears horizontal a majority of the time.     SCARS. None.    TATTOOS. None.  MOST NOTICEABLE FEATURE(S). How soft his expression is most the time, his golden eyes, his bat wings, the black markings on his face.

C H I L D H O O D .

PLACE OF BIRTH. Technically, the Void.  HOMETOWN.  Nowhere.  BIRTH WEIGHT.  He was a weird black sphere that weighed 3 pounds when not floating.  BIRTH HEIGHT.  Again, weird black sphere. Had a diameter of 11 inches.    MANNER OF BIRTH. Natural??? For him I guess??? FIRST WORDS. “Spacetime” (his eldest brother), “Life” (his twin sister)   SIBLINGS. Chronis, who is his eldest brother, and Abelia, who is his twin sister, older than him by 3 seconds  PARENTS. The Watchers, technically PARENT INVOLVEMENT.  The Watchers were not good parents. They were absent a majority of the time, and Chronis took care of him and his sister. He considers Chronis a parent figure more than the Watchers.     

A D U L T   L I F E .

OCCUPATION. Head Reaper, The Ruler of Hell (Devil), and Death   CURRENT RESIDENCE. His own home in Hell on the forth/third level   CLOSE FRIENDS. Luci, Randall Pace, Beastille, Wax, Erik Firestone, etc, etc. RELATIONSHIP STATUS. Widowed from Artemis FINANCIAL STATUS. Stable. He’s the ruler of Hell, of course he’s stable. DRIVER’S LICENSE. Uh. He does know how to drive.  CRIMINAL RECORD. None VICES. Too empathetic to the point where he can occasionally go into a depression, a bit spiteful, a bit of a helicopter parent (he’s really worried about his kids), very strict, so normalized to death sometimes he forgets that people care about that.

S E X   A N D   R O M A N C E .

SEXUAL ORIENTATION.  Heterosexual ROMANTIC ORIENTATION.  Heteroromantic   PREFERRED EMOTIONAL ROLE.     submissive  |  dominant |  switch (???) PREFERRED SEXUAL ROLE.   submissive  |  dominant |  switch. LIBIDO.  Average TURN ON’S. Significantly strong woman (look at Artemis like holy shit), praising, uhh,,, idk he hasn’t had a sexual relationship in so long TURN OFF’S. Anything involving hurting his partner/himself LOVE LANGUAGE. There’s a lot of snuggling. He enjoys making gifts for his partner. He offers support if he needs to. RELATIONSHIP TENDENCIES. He’s in it for the long run. He doesn’t really enjoy the idea of flings and such.

M I S C E L L A N E O U S .

CHARACTER THEME SONG. Devil’s Trill Sonata - Giuseppe Tartini HOBBIES TO PASS TIME. He just kinda hangs around Hell and visits friends. He sleeps. He used to play violin, now he doesn’t. MENTAL ILLNESSES.  None really. Just occasional depression and a little bit of trauma. PHYSICAL ILLNESSES. He’s old. Jk. He has occasional issues with keeping his core warm nowadays and sometimes gets vertigo or fatigue. LEFT OR RIGHT BRAINED. Left brained mostly. PHOBIAS.  He has a fear of loosing the people he loves. SELF CONFIDENCE LEVEL. Pretty average. VULNERABILITIES. He dislikes people speaking ill of the dead when they don’t deserve it. He hates it when people don’t follow the rules of Hellvic laws. Both of those things can piss him off.

Tagged by: @theheadlessgroom

Tagging: Anyone who would like to!

[hisloyclty]

a .  age :  19. b .  birthplace :  montclair, ca. c .  current  time :  4:06pm d .  drink  you  had  last :  iced caramel macchiato  ♥ in my new glass starb.ucks cup e .  easiest  person(s)  to  talk  to : zen, alex, lindsay, perih, nita, nosta ♥ f .  favorite  song(s) : god why -- beautiful trauma, what about us, try everything, evermore, just like fire shut up and dance, sissy that walk, something wild -- A LOT OF SONGS OK? I GOT A LIST! h .  horror  yes  or  horror  no :  horror yes. c’mon. i .  in  love ? :  they saw something in me enough to put the effort, idk what lol. kidding, im the Shit j .  jealous  of  people :  yeah i can get pretty jealous ... but i like to think for being a jealous person i’m pretty chilled out for the shit that happens around me.  i’m the type to be a little hurt rather than mad when i get jealous tho aksdjf k .  killed  someone :  gilbert has. l .  love  at  first  sight  or  should  i  walk  by  again ? :  bih that’s my line. @shimaniya answer this. m.  middle  name(s) : monique. suh bruh. n .  number  of  siblings :  4 o .  one  wish :  be financially stable? idk q .  question  you’re  always  asked :  how are you, are you mad ( resting bitch face syndrome is neat ), what’s your major, and do you have a boyfriend.  r .  reason(s)  to  smile :  when you buy me food or starbucks.  waking up.  bae & their wonky humor.  friends.  your pet wtf.  dis.ney wtfff.  food.  hoodies and blankets bc it’s cold!  music.  creativity.  being acknowledged by friends.  jokes.  video games.  your muse.  you’re alive, like? s .  song  you  sang  last : ... beautiful trauma lol. t .  top  3  fictional  characters : i’m a freak for fictional character come on -- gilbert, mtt, maybe ... mm ... jessica rabbit? u .  underwear  &  color : bikini. black bih. v .  vacation : disney. don’t look at me.  even roadtrips! w .  when’s  your  birthday :   april 3rd. x .  x - rays :  ribs.  teeth.  back. hoo. y .  your  favorite  food :  chicken nuggets, tacos/taquitos, tagerines, french fries, spaghetti, burgers. yes. z .  zodiac  sign :  aries(;

tagged by:  @unlovcd, @shimaniya tags: idk @scarlctta, @shiicn, @seulerose, @sorrowruin, @mcsyndrome, @marakasu, @mcnticellos anyone else shrug -- 

[seiko-irene93]

S C O R P I O. N E W. M O O N.🌙 Anyone else experienced an intense fckin October? Ofc, nothing you couldn't handle tho, yeah?✌The U n i v e r s e will constantly test you to your limits but wouldn't hand you situations you couldn't deal with.👌This month has been hella i n t e n s e energy asf, haha. It's been an emotional roller coaster for fckin sure, 🎢 but I am extremely grateful & have so much gratitude for my blessings, lessons & new perspectives I've gained.♥ • • • S C O R P I O. N E W. M O O N.🌙 - Release toxic people, energy, situations, jobs, environments, fears, doubts, lack mindsets👋🚪 - Stay p a t i e n t asf with the Universe, she always delivers🙌 - Have f a i t h & h o p e IN yourself, your p o w e r, your gifts & beliefs🙏 - The Universe is aligning your blessings & good fortune, keep up the journaling & manifesting🌟 - Prioritize loyal & mutually reciprocated e n e r g y, muy importante mi gente.♥ - Delete & unsubscribe from d r a m a & dysfunction 👋 👋 🏃🏃 YES, YES & YES! • • • MY WINS: This month I feel I have too many wins. Is there ever such a thing as too many blessings? My biggest win of all, is my furbaby surviving a 5hr surgery, with multiple surgeons & being back to L I F E & recovering faster than normal. Doctors have told me it was not the vets, but truly a divine m i r a c l e as she had SO MUCH trauma and damage done internally that they were super concerned and unsure about her surviving. Thank the fckin Universe!!! We are truly blessed & always protected by the divine, no doubt about that. Korova is a strong, brave doggy who has gone through a lot of what she didn't deserve.🐶 • • • 2ND WIN: Showing up for m y s e l f, trusting in my h i g h e r power, stepping out of my c o m f o r t zone, surpassing my f e a r s, doubts & societal imposed limitations, becoming an Independent Distributor for Enagic, investing in a Kangen water machine & my overall future financial s u c c e s s. LIFE IS GREAT, Y'ALL.✌What wins are you most proud of this month?😍 • • • #newmoon #lettinggooffear #donotdoubt #lifeisblessed💯 #enagic #successfulwomen #independentdistributoryoungliving #kangenwater #love #lifeonthemoves (at Life Is Beautiful) https://www.instagram.com/p/B4I1iQ9lByx/?igshid=3t3cvvhw8jry

[ala-mhinyan]

B A S I C S Full Name:  C’tolemy - Son of Noyoh ( Previously: C’aziza - Daughter of Bahani ) Pronunciation:  Ka - tol - emi Nicknames: Tolemy, Rājakumāra, Toleboye, Nikkasai, and Kechara. Height: 5 fulms, 11 ilms Age: 28 Summers Old ( 29 on October 15th ) Zodiac: Libra Languages: Coeurl ( Tongue of the Sun/Moon ), Huntspeak, Common, Sanskrit, Thavnairian, Xaelic and some Doman. P H Y S I C A L | C H A R A C T E R I S T I C S Hair Colour:  Chestnut Eye Colour:  Gold Skin Tone:  Richly Tan Body Type:  Muscular and Well Defined Accent: A thick middle eastern accent that borders on Thavnairian and something else. Dominant Hand: Right Posture: Primarily ‘lazy predator’ until something catches his attention or he’s on the job. Scars: A prominent X on the middle of his face. Various other jagged scars that vary from gouging to light from the neck down and across his person at all angles. Tattoos:  Leopard spots that start at the back of his neck and run to the base of his tail. They fade around the edges and do not extend down his arms or legs. Most Noticeable Features: Wild and untamed hair that dangles in his face and over his shoulders/back. Molten gold eyes. Beefy catte man with a long ass tail. C H I L D H O O D Place of Birth:  Ala Ghiri, Gyr Abania Hometown:  Ala Gannha, Gyr Abania Birth Weight / Height: 7 ponze, 9 onzes Manner of Birth: Natural First words: “Scare.” Siblings: A younger sister named C’riza and a younger brother named C’mazeh. C’tolemy doesn’t know they exist. Parents: C’sah is his mother and C’sept is his father. Parental Involvement: C’sah eloped with C’sept and they both fled to Ala Ghiri to live new lives away from the Coeurl tribe life that they personally felt had hindered their lives. C’sah conceived C’tolemy in the city of Ala Ghiri and they both took their newborn to the Peering Stones with the hope of integrating into the Marmot tribe life. Both of them were unable to hide the golden eyes of their child and were eventually kicked out of the tribe for trying to stealthily lie their way in. Furious, C’sept abandoned C’sah and their child to be hunted down by the Marmot tribe by dawn. C’sah fled back to the Coeurl tribe of Ala Gannha, threw her baby at the feet of the Nunh and demanded he take the monster that’d poisoned her future. After reasoning with the Nunh, C’sah remained around to barely raise her child until Tolemy was about 8 summers. She, eventually, abandoned him as well. He has not seen either of them since. A D U L T | L I F E Occupation: Ankobia/‘Master Hunter’, Seer, Tattoo Artist, Bodyguard, Assassin Current Residence: Partially in Ala Gannha where he spends his time with his tribe and partially in the Mists where he lives with Ayanga, Dunrai and their adopted daughter Terbish. Relationship Status: In a relationship with Ayanga of the Uyagir and Dunrai of the Dazkar. ( VERY Tentatively open for more? It’s a slow burn regardless if you try. ) Financial Status: What the fuck is money? Driver’s License: What the fuck is a driver’s license? He’s got a tamed Coeurl he rides, that’s it. Vices: Excessively Masochistic, Heavy Drug Usage, Minimal Alcohol Consumption and Jealous Habits! S E X & R O M A N C E Sexual Orientation:  Bisexual ( Demisexual Leaning ) Romantic Orientation: Biromantic ( Demiromantic Leaning ) Preferred Emotional Role:  submissive | dominant | switch  |  unsure Preferred Sexual Role:  submissive  |  dominant  | switch |  sex repulsed  ( Sex is a touchy, touchy subject. Again, slow burn regardless if you try. ) Libido: Low to Moderate ; High only when experiencing his heat. Turn On’s: Threat/High of impending death, moderate to excessive pain and bodily injury, playing with/pulling his hair, strong heart/body/mind, physical affection once trust has been established, quiet and introspective conversations, sense of humor, wandering souls and bright personalities. Turn Off’s: Forced physical touch/affection/relationships/sex, disrespected boundaries, being made fun of for being naive/ignorant, anyone pushy about literally anything, lack of basic self care/survival, belittling of children or the elderly and GARLEANS. Love Language:  Lengthy romantic sayings, poems, songs and dances. Doing tasks, small or large, that will please his partners.  Relationship Tendencies:  A patient lover that, at times, can be a tad bit jealous and possessive over the dumbest things. Never-the-less he is ever loving, caring and overly eager to please the people who matter to him. Tends to make mistakes and misstep even though his heart is in the right place. M I S C E L L A N E O U S Hobbies to Pass the Time:  Writing a memoir of his adventures in Eorzea, reading historical text of literally anything he can find, gathering a stupid amount of silver items for his rituals, drawing and sketching random objects and people, singing, dancing, sight-seeing across eorzea and othard, weaving and training. Mental Illnesses: Separation Anxiety and PTSD. Physical Illnesses:  Marginally healthy aside from his growing insomnia and AFRID. Left or Right Brained:  Right Fears: Jauhar, going deaf or blind, losing Arha, Dunrai or Ayanga. Self Confidence Level:  Moderate; Low and Fragile at times. Vulnerabilities: C’ajnee and all the trauma he inflicted on him, cruel and inhuman jabs toward his gender and sex, Arha’s, his two lover’s and the pack’s safety and well being, any cruel injustices toward children and the back of his neck. Tagged by: No One! Tagging: Anyone who reads this and would like to do it!