#financial news for today
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i think someone has to grab me by the shoulders and look me in the eye and tell me VERY firmly, on and on until i believe it, that i'm seeing ghost live. because right now i'm finding it hard to wrap my head around and am just crashing after the stress fest that has been raging since 1pm yesterday
#before 1pm tbh. and maybe since the day before that when i started seeing the arena posts#these people have been on my screens since i discovered them and i'm struggling to accept that i can soon stand there#and see them in the flesh#with my own eyeballs#crazy !!!!#hoped it would give me some new motivation to get on with work tbh but that hasn't happened today#i'm just paralysed as i often am and i think it's the after-effects of the presale panic#someone get it in my head that i'm seeing ghost and for that to work out i will have to crack on with my project#aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa#sorry for the rambling. i'm very happy but also feeling financial regret#and mild lingering stress#once again- why couldn't i have been a casual fan
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spookiest occurrence of all this halloween (rejected without interview for a job I thought I was eminently qualified for)
#talking#between this and new dragon age and boop extravaganza the emotional cocktail of this day is a real weird one#annoyed partly because of my rapidly escalating financial worries#and partly because i was going to finish this goddamn fic today before my brain gets eaten by dragon age#and now I'm definitely not in a creative place#okay vent over back to booping
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let's see how long executive dysfunction will kick my ass before stress let's me do all the tasks that need to be done in the next 10 hours
#it's “buy new laptop” day but financial related things cause me an unreasonable amount of stress#and i need to go to the bank before i go to the store to deposit the cash i scraped together#and i need to wait until i get paid for my contract work (which is 600$ but it depends on if they send my payments through today or not)#and i need to hope that i get the same employee discount I got last time (I do not work for this store but Im working in the same mall)#and i have to hope that they'll let me use 500$ in gift cards#I have a market on Saturday and nothing set up so I need to paint like 10 more things while in the hotel before I leave tomorrow#I was planning to get up at 9am and it's now 1pm
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#How is it the end of pride month.#I haven't done anything I haven't celebrated I haven't been outside I haven't drawn anything special#I haven't really drawn anything#I wanted to do animated icon comms for artfight but that's not going to happen#I can't draw anything until I finish last year's commissions but I literally can't do it they don't look good#It's been too long and it causes me such genuine bodily anguish just thinking about how many people I've lied to#This is unprofessional but I've been so candid today for some reason#Ppl wanted to support me financially while I was struggling but I didn't even have the good sense to do their art like I was supposed to#Still struggling btw much much much poorer than ever can't afford food lucky I have a secret trick to help with that called not eating#Most commissioners didn't give me the money yet but the verbal agreement is still there in the æther#What is wrong with me today. I was trying to have a sober day but I think#I forgot how mean and weird and aggressive and overthinking and overwhelming my brain is :(#Anyway tho. I got admitted to a crisis center before I could finish those commissions.#And that was in December? I think I think I think it would be better for everyone to refund/cancel those? :( ?#I swear send me another message pretending it's a new commission and I will do it!! :)#My brain will think it is new and will be excited to start it :)#I'm so sorry everyone :(
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#im rlly hoping that it'll go smoothly to get financial aid for my dentist appt#bc then i think im gnna make another emergency appt bc my other tooth still hurts a lit but he couldnt fix it all today :((#so im gnna see next week if it'll go smoothly w my wellfare worker nd payment#if it does i'll make a new appt!! if it doesnt go smoothly i'll have to wait nd see bc i just dont even have that amount in my bank account#just feeling frustrated bc even if i went there it still hurts 🥲🥲🥲
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so uh. for anyone still looking at using cohost. they shared their March financial update.
they are, at best, four weeks from closing up shop and ceasing to exist. They may not be able to get emergency funding from their benefactor who they've been out of contact with for a while in time, and even if they do it just delays the inevitable.
Centralized social media is inherently expensive. Especially developing the software from scratch, and extra especially when one of your main devs is working on a different but mildly related project meant to be a better version of patreon and kofi. A good idea, but like.
you can barely develop and work on ONE platform to make it break even.
anyways. despite it's promise I cannot even think about suggesting cohost as an option. They've been in this "oh my god we're running out of money" situation for MONTHS now, this isn't a new "oh shit sudden expense" time. If they can't get money now, it's joever for cohost and ASSC.
#which SUCKS because I admire what they were trying to do#unfortunately they're inevitably proving a point: spinning up a new social media is so expensive that you have to exploit users#be it advertising or selling data#unless you want to get paid barely what your role is worth#personally I hate how much they dissed on volunteer labor (re: the fediverse) in their March financial update post#like. do they not know how the old web was funded? it was passion projects. done for the sake of hosting.#maybe they ran ads but ads then weren't garbage like today#(and even then user submitted ads are always an option)#the fediverse is generally run like the old web. but if the old web could talk to other parts.#volunteer run. paid for as a passion project. donations jars to help cover costs & as a nicety#if I ever run one for a community I'd only want to open up a donation box under very specific needs#and to see cohost be so dismissive of fedi as a concept just felt wrong.#it felt like a disrespect to the old web. to how we used to do things.#cohost fundamentally relied on the good grace of their proprietor to exist.
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#these past two weeks have been so intense that ive just.. not spoken about it once i got home from work#blocked it all out#my beloved colleague whose desk is next to mine has cancer#breast and uterus. she needs two major surgeries#they just diagnosed her two weeks ago#so we've been trying to deal with that as colleagues and friends#because we love and miss her and i am so deeply sad as well#but i feel like i couldn't process that at all bc two days after the news of her diagnosis i was asked to take on half of her work#on top of my fulltime#which i agreed to do bc i like her tasks and i want to help her and i also know i can do it#but it does feel very off bc i know i don't earn enough money for this workload to be long term and it is def like this#for the coming four months at least#so i did tell my manager that i would like a raise and. that bitch told me to BUY MORE SECOND HAND SHIT.#i seriously thought i saw my life flash before my eyes#then the day after she asked one of my colleagues who's been with the firm for over 30 years whether she was looking for another job maybe?#which caused that colleague to instantly go home in tears and be home from basically a nervous breakdown the past 1.5 week#which is her full right and i support her with all my heart but bc my management sucks it meant that we had to also carry her tasks ofc#i felt soooo spread thin and super super angry actually but i didn't even realise how angry i was until last thursday my colleague w cancer#came by the office. and talked about all of it. and i suddenly realised how sad i was but then also how angry#but i was just blocking it all out trying to stay afloat#bc we told her about what the manager had said and she said “i hope that i get the chance to really tell her how it is someday.”#“because the stress she causes with people can actually kill you. just look at me.”#and the rest of the day i felt so ready to be done with everything actually#but seeing her anger made me see my own anger#and released me of my own pent up emotions bc i had actual leg pains this week and it was purely psychosomatic#i then managed to tell some friends yesterday about what was going on and their outrage spurred me on even more#so today i emailed hr. demanding a raise#doing this amount of work while constantly feeling like the house is on fire while also struggling financially seriously makes me suicidal#and i am not joking#so.. if nothing comes of that im leaving that job and not looking back
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soooooo this afternoon i found out some devastating news about my current financial situation and am basically screwed. if ANYONE can help me out with rent and some recent medical and vehicle emergency bills, i would so greatly appreciate it. (or just sharing this helps i guess i don't know.)
paypal
#mutual aid#mutual aid request#donations#donation request#basically i've been receiving unemployment and was told one thing way back in july *BY UNEMPLOYMENT*#and when i called today because my benefits are almost up they told me THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE#so for six months i was operating on one set of instructions only to find out at the end of those six months that it was bogus so i'm fucke#like super fucked#so absolutely fucked#i know it's the end of the year / new year / holidays and nO ONE is financially able to help but i just need to put it out there#ALSO IF ANYONE HAS ANY LEADS ON ANY FUCKING JOBS#I WOULD GREATLY APPRECIATE THAT#cuz i've been applying for jobs like crazy and FUCKING NOTHING#happy new year TO ME#(like i knew this new year was gonna suck but WOW COULD IT SUCK EVEN WORSE SINCE IMMA BOUT TO BE HOMELESS WHEEEEEEEEEE)#(i'm literally still so mad after that phone call and gurl was AWFUL and like 'welp nothing i can do you're on your own')#(and i'm sitting there (after being on hold for well over an hour) going YEAH BUT THIS IS *YOUR* SCREW UP. NOT. MINE.)#(anyway i feel like walking into traffic for real cuz what's the point)#(YES I'M ALLOWED TO BE UPSET AND SCARED OKAY)#signal boost#aid#signal b00st#happy new year
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So.
#so remember that school that I didn't go to bc in the end it would just be way too expensive to take on and I kinda spiraled and lost#all sense of self and I've kinda been drifting for the last year trying to figure out what to do with my life#well apparently my parents have been talking with the school behind my back and for the last few months they have been working out#payment deals and financial aid and today they got a call back with an offer that they like feel happy with and idk what to do#I wanted to go so so badly this time last year that it was literally soul crushing that I couldn't go#but I've also spent the last year convincing myself that this was actually a good thing and I've been looking into new schools#and I don't fucking know someone tell me what to do bc I have no idea what I'm feeling I'm kinda shutting down and I have to make#a decision by the first#sstfu.txt#how am I supposed to make such a huge life altering choice in two weeks I'm gonna throw up#my best friend is states away and my other best friend is in the city I just want someone here to hug me and tell me what to do
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Song of the Day: May 22
"And So It Goes” Billy Joel cover by Jennifer Warnes
#song of the day#I'd never heard this version of the song before that fanvid I reblogged earlier and it is by far my favorite now#no shade to Billy Joel but damn#'and so it goes and so it goes / and you're the only one / who knows'#truly heartbreaking delivery#in other news today I got the first third of the Idiot Project completed#(clarification: there are three segments and I've been working on them all and now one is completely done and I'm very glad#I'm not only just now 33% of the way done with the project overall. I'd become a mollusc)#I had a breakthrough with the financials data I've been trying to compile#the 'correct' numbers I've been told to compare myself to don't include all the transactions!#there are specific internals codes I should have known to exclude because they get recorded but never reported#a very frustrating epiphany but whatever. I get it#(I mean to say. the best borscht in cherry grove is money laundering but my university is operating by 'pass-along agreement'#okay sure whatever y'all say. not my business and I'm not mad. I'm just sipping my tea real loud don't mind me)#I got this information too thoroughly wrapped in 'you should already know this obvious thing' to actually get an explanation#but I can see the shape of it if I squint. there's a politics bit going on and I get it. I do get it. but y'all. it's the shape of bullshit#anyway now I know how it works and I can account for it so I've built in a little filter and now my financials data makes sense!!#it actually makes sense now babes this is huge!! two months!! two months of the Idiot Project and now it's a third-chunk down!!#tomorrow I will make no progress whatsoever because I have to work graduation but on Friday when I have my stupid awful meeting!#she will ask me again if I am done! and I will say Look!! I am 1 out of 3 done!!#she will not be impressed but I will know. I will know she is wrong
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jobs will say they're disability friendly until you actually need them to be friendly about your disabilities
jobs will say they're mental health friendly until you actually have to miss work for it
jobs will say they support you taking time off until you actually do it
capitalism is a sham and employers do not and will not ever care about you, and if you're chronically ill, sucks to suck
i have an average of 1.5 absences a month and i'm tardy an average of twice a month, and somehow that's still too much.
18 absences in a year if i go at the current rate. 18. out of the 208 days total that i work (4 on, 3 off, with a 3 hour commute each direction.) 18. days. of absences. and that's too many.
and god forbid i be more than 15 minutes late.
#it's because we're horrifically understaffed#animal rescue is understaffed and underpaid and burnt the fuck out#but where else am i gonna go#back to retail? my body can't take that anymore#a decade of 8 hours a day on my feet has quite literally crippled me#i called out today because i dared to have fun over my weekend and my hip pain flared so badly that i couldn't put weight on it#i should stay home and rest it tomorrow too#but i'm not#because my boss already texted me today to inform me that my absences are “alarmingly too frequent” and “becoming problematic”#i took fmla for a month and a half last year because i couldn't handle existing#i've been back for 3 months#my shelter laid off 15% of our staff within a month of me returning#critical teams were cut entirely#and my team#the adoptions team#has seven people total#that's not enough#that isn't NEARLY enough#not for an animal shelter of our size and animal volume#that's why me calling out is “problematic”#because HR won't greenlight us for more positions#because of a problem THE CEO caused by driving us into the ground financially#and if i leave i have to start all over somewhere else#i have to wait a year to be eligible for fmla at a new job#i lose my benefits#i don't even know if i could FIND a job#the market is awful and i will literally collapse if i have to work a standing job again#i made it six months at my last one#because i was so dizzy and in so much pain all the time#undiagnosed issues of course
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technically the contract for my new internship (signed & submitted, but i haven't actually started yet or turned in my payment info or anything) states that i'm supposed to start on monday. so strictly speaking i haven't lost hours on the job due to being sick this week, i guess. but in communication it was agreed that i would start this past monday for a lighter possibly part-time week of mostly onboarding and getting-to-know-the-office type work. which obviously i've missed due to hacking my lungs out in my house for the past eight days...it's not the end of the world for me to start next week, my boss is totally fine with it and wants me to be okay before starting, and it's not like i will have missed anything terribly important like a performance or something. and missing one week's worth of a paycheck is not going to ruin me financially, thankfully. but still, y'know, disappointed to have lost a week of productivity, especially in such a lucrative (job experience wise not necessarily money wise. but the money isn't terrible either.) internship i'm super lucky to have gotten in the first place. very much looking forward to finally starting on monday and putting this shit behind me
#i am SO fucking done with being sick#just waiting for my stupid immune system to get with the program already :/#i am recovering. today was mostly okay. i think by the weekend i will be human again#(which is good bc. concert on sunday for youth orchestra i have to work. and i missed the rehearsal yesterday bc of Sick. wheee)#i really am extraordinarily lucky i think. in multiple regards#that my fellowship bosses and coworkers were supportive of me staying home when i got sick on the last day of the term#(therefore having to miss helping out with two of the biggest events of the year and force them to last minute cover for me)#and that my bosses/coworkers at my youth orchestra job are patient and accommodating with my being sick too#(right before the last concert of the season)#and that my new boss/coworkers for my internship were willing to give me a week to recover from unexpected illness#the same week i was supposed to start#also that i'm still getting/have gotten paid normally for the fellowship and the youth orchestra jobs despite missing a day each#and shaving a week off from my internship isn't going to strain me financially#truly i am lucky. and i'm grateful for that#for the ability to stay shut up in my house for ten days feeling physically and mentally miserable.#but not actually worrying about if i could afford it#i wanna talk about me
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LOOK LOOK LOOK LOOK LOOK AT HIM LOOK AT HIM OH I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM!!!!
#AAARRJGFDJNFJGG I DIDNT KNOW WHEN HED BE ARRIVING THIS IS SO EXCITING IM SO HAPPY#I HAD NO IDEA HED COME TODAY IM SO !!! IM SO HAPPY!!!#HES SO PRETTY!!!! AAARRGTHFHDHFJHFJF#i say things#horse#this is the first model horse ive bought since i think christmas#1) bc i couldnt swing it financially and 2) bc none of the new ones Spoke To Me until this fella#ooough he's so pretty....#still have been meaning to go thru all my other ones and figure out which ones i wanna sell/get rid of...#need to make room for him hehehehe#for now! he will sit at my desk and watch me draw :3
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To people whose natural reaction it is to get angry/irritated at something before they hear the whole story: shut the fuck up, you’re fucking annoying
#I had to cancel my blood work today because MY DOCTOR wants my new t dose and another med in my system first#yet my mom is angry that I cancelled#my blood work was specifically FOR my testosterone levels - meaning they need to be accurate#how can they be accurate for the new dose if the blood work was taken BEFORE the new dose#like god damn maybe ask questions before essentially implying I’m a fucking lazy moron#people ask me why I want to get away from my family so bad#it’s because of small shit like this that happens DAILY#it’s because of abuse and wanting to keep myself and my parrots physically safe#it’s because they make their financial problems mine#I have them every cent I had for over ten years and somehow I still owe them money#brb kms#personal
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It’s soooo easy to post those “healing isn’t linear” and “it’s okay to have bad days!” Platitudes until you’re regressing a bit on some of the healing you’ve done and all of a sudden you feel like a failure
#I wish my neurosis could be consistent at least#yesterday I was talking myself up about how budget wise I’m making more than I spend every month with plenty to put in savings maybe I could#get a pet and feel comfortable with that financial burden and then today I nearly had an anxiety attack over the idea of maybe treating#myself to dinner (because the gobblers back bitches lmao) and maybe buying new tennis shoes on Sunday because I’ve been working out and my#old ones are falling apart and also I’ve recently been having a lot of trouble with being hypervigilant in the dark for some reason? really#thought I had gotten past that with the handful of medications I’m taking#and the thing is is that I’m just complaining and I’ll probably delete this tomorrow and I know life’s not fair blah blah blah#but I really am trying and it hurts when it feels like my body and mind are betraying me#don’t you know we’re in this together
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