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uselesssomebody · 3 years

Text

𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕤𝕠𝕝𝕕𝕒𝕥 - bucky barnes x reader

complete masterlist | mcu masterlist | bucky barnes masterlist

words || 𝟜.𝟜𝕜

summary || in which the winter soldier takes a liking to his one of his evaluators

a/n || ok guys i lied this was supposed to be out like 2 weeks ago but i wanna post until now. but: here it is! if you're skimming through this note, look for the orange text. ➵ this is the backstory to the therapist!reader drabbles + oneshot collection that i will be writing. the reader is not expressly a therapist, but works with bucky as one - which is why it is denoted as such. ➵ there is some writing in russian. the text in russian will be written in bold and the text will be translated into english and put into brackets next to the russian text. - вот так, по сути (like this, essentially) - i have used google translate, so apologies for incorrect russian. ➵ a large chunk of the text is in italics; this refers to the reader's memories and flashbacks. - all of bucky's/the winter soldier's lines are underlined. ➵ the collection already has a couple parts (both how I + how II belong to this collection) - and you can find everything i write for this collection in my new, specific masterlist only for bucky. - i have a ton of other collections i wanna write - and they're all listed there. if anyone has any requests for possible pieces in a collection (or even an idea for a completely different collection), just let me know. ➵ finally, apologies if the beginning/ending are a bit rushed. hope you enjoy!

warnings || angst/fluff

my two degrees were most definitely the reason why i ended up in this situation.

after years of toiling over psychology and behavioural analysis textbooks, i set out with the hopes of working in the field. with every piece of my hard work (and a little bit of luck) i’d secured a position working for a small p.i. organization.

of course, the pay was a little shit. you can’t win everything. every day i’d spend with my face buried in paperwork and videotapes, and every night, i’d fall into a restless slumber, my thoughts plagued with concerns of my growing debts.

and that was exactly the opening they needed.

what people don’t understand is that hydra was massive. not just globally important, not just working in tandem with world-wide superpowers - but the scale. bigger than anyone could have imagined. the amount of vulnerable individuals that were brought in - as subjects or workers - was unbelievable.

i was approached by, what i assumed at the time to be, an independent organization. they spoke to me for nearly an hour straight: praises and congratulations on my career and abilities, and talks of the great work they were doing at this organization - with a special focus on just how splendid the pay was.

that was about enough to convince me. with every passing day, bills had been piling and causing me misery. i accepted the position before the offer was even verbally extracted.

for the first couple of months, they kept me totally in the dark about everything except the ‘patients’ i’d be working with. they told me that these individuals were troubled, and that they just needed to understand in what areas they needed help. they wanted to know exactly what made each disobedient action occur - later, i realized, to quell it.

after the first couple months, they must have realized that they had to explain each subject’s situation more clearly and more truthfully, in order to allow me to give them more accurate answers to the questions they were asking.

of course, as soon as they did, i immediately stated my discontent, horrified by what i was hearing. they started by trying to convince me of a more subtle story - the patients had amnesia, they’d sold their bodies to science, they were volunteers, and a whole bout of nonsense. they must have realized that, after i continued trying to leave, that i wasn’t buying a word they told me, and that’s when they decided to bring out their trump card.

a couple minutes of silence between my employer and myself - as his assistant ran off to retrieve something. a file was quickly splayed on the table between us - the out-of-breath assistant excusing himself and leaving the room.

the file contained a chronology of my life - including in-depth information about any person i’d ever been close to. suddenly, it wasn’t just my job on the table - i remember thinking, scared out of my mind - but also my family, friends, old lovers and my own life. i was a prisoner to them, and i realized it’d be impossible to get out.

once they’d pulled out all the stops, they realized there was no point in stalling any further. they introduced me to my newest patient - one that i’d be working with individually for as long as they wanted me to. i remember being grateful - knowing that my work may have only been ruining one life, instead of dozens. i had shuddered at the morbid nature of the thought.

the only name i called him - for the years i worked with him - was ‘soldat’. soldier. the memory of our first session is still burned into my brain.

“two rules: do not go within 2 meters of him at any time, and do not do anything to agitate him.” the man giving me instruction wore a pristine lab coat, and his ruffled hair hid spectacle-clad brown eyes. i nodded in understanding, gulping at how serious his voice sounded. none of my previous patients had been insane - nor were they prone to any sort of violence. i’d heard whispers of the man i was about to meet, and all them were causing me to grind my teeth in anticipation. “we’ll be right outside, so there’s no inherent threat but…” his voice trailed off, leaving me both more and less fearful - somehow at the same time.

i was led to a solid metal door, all gray - hard to notice as it blended with the similar gray walls of the room. the sound of it opening was accompanied with the sound of gas hissing - pressure being released.

i was nudged inside, the small of my back jolting forward upon the man’s contact with it. i shuffled inside, and the door closed behind me. i’d been so focused on the state of the dimly-lit, sterile room, that it took me a moment to notice the figure in front of me.

he was sitting, shoulders forward with his back to me, on a chair that looked much too small for his broad stature. he wore matted tactical pants. the black fabric had several small traces of crumbling dirt. his back was bare - the pale skin contrasting with the color of his trousers. patches of black, blue and purple, along with stripes of red, graced his torso. they all seemed a little faded, but the number of them was shocking. i couldn’t see his hands - he’d placed them in front of him, but i could see his shoulders. broad, drooping, one completely gray. the metal was fit into his body - like a puzzle. it would have looked smoother, of course, with the absence of the smaller, pinker scars that littered the site of connection. they looked too small to have been created by a blade.

inhaling sharply, i walked in front of him. there was another chair, placed a bit away from him and, remembering the man in the lab coat’s instructions, i walked around him at a distance a little farther than what would be considered natural. i pulled the seat back, placing my body down slowly. i felt worried that any sudden movements would trigger an unwanted reaction. as if he were feral.

his long hair was hanging in front of his head and he looked down, towards the floor. clumps of it stuck to his face. his chest was expanding and contracting slowly, his nose flaring along with his torso's movements. his eyes were closed.

“soldat?” my voice quavered a little - and i screwed my eyes shut quickly. i knew i had to commandeer some level of authority over my patients - to show them that i knew what i was doing. that i could help them understand what they didn’t at that time. but i didn’t know how i was supposed to hold that same position with this man.

for a moment there was silence.

“hmm?” his response was non-verbal, but audible. deciding that he was listening, i quickly glanced at the clipboard clutched in my fingers.

i slowly started asking him the questions that had been given to me. he didn’t answer some of them - and the others he gave very short responses. some were in english, and others were in scattered languages. i had picked up a weird amalgamation of eastern european languages, as it was my only way of communicating with some of my previous patients, so i understood a little of what he said. i thought it be best to get as much information as possible, and then go over unanswered questions with different approaches until he answered them.

we were nearing the end of the clipboard, so i decided to focus on getting an actual, genuine answer out of him. picking a question at random, i reread it to him. similar to the first time, he kept his jaw clenched and his lips shut. i tried again, rephrasing the question to be a bit more vague. still nothing. so i rephrased, making it more situation specific. this time he let out a sigh, and i felt a glimmer of hope.

“don’t.” his voice was deeper than when he’d answered any of the other questions. my thoughts of success and my determined drive kept me going. i asked him once more, this time trying to answer the question personally to encourage him to also share his own side. midway through my explanation, he rose up from the chair in one quick motion. it stopped me mid-sentence, and i looked up at him with wide eyes.

“i said stop.” his breathing became heavier, and he finally met my eyes. they were an icy shade of blue, completely piercing. he started taking long strides towards me. i quickly scrambled to my feet, dropping the clipboard. with every step he took towards me, i tried to take one back. as my back hit the wall, he reached my seat. he pushed it to the side, the metal clinking against the floor sharply. he picked up the clipboard on the floor, and snapped the thing as if it were a pencil. he threw the pieces to the side with the chair, and quickly grabbed one of my arms. his metal hand encompassed the diameter of my forearm, the cold sensation making me wince. “ты должен был остановиться (you should’ve stopped).” i nodded furiously, praying to every single god out there to let me survive this.

at that moment, the sound of gas hissing caused both of us to whip our heads towards the door. the man with the lab coat walked in, with a man in a uniform who had a gun clutched in his hands. the soldat’s grip loosened, but his hand still kept me from moving.

“soldat.” the man with the lab coat brandished a small red book - like a diary. it seemed useless compared to the gun the other man was holding, but, when i looked at the soldat, his eyes were wide and his breathing ragged.

“no. пожалуйста, нет (please, no).” the man opened the book, and started reading out a couple words in russian. the soldat’s grip immediately left mine, and i fell to the the ground. i hadn’t realized how much he was supporting my weight. hurridly, i half-crawled to the door. the man with the gun pushed me out and quickly closed the door, leaving the three of them in the room. i was quickly grabbed by another person in a lab coat, this time a woman. she pushed a bottle of water into my hands. after a few moments of silence - the soundproof nature of the room being almost unbelievable - we were joined by the two men from earlier. the soldat, i assumed, had remained in the room. the man with the gun - who hadn’t spoken once thus far - waited right outside the door of the room, while the other walked towards us.

“what a disaster.” the man stated, his hair more ruffled than before and his glasses askew on his nose. he quickly fixed up his appearance.

“what are you talking about?” the woman spoke from beside me, her voice sounding almost giddy. i looked up at her, and she had a bright smile on her face - as if we were discussing something much more exciting and casual, like her favorite song.

“what am i-? damn girl nearly got killed, разве ты не смотрел (weren’t you watching)?”

“разве ты не был (weren’t you)? that’s the most we’ve ever gotten out of him. она идеальна (she’s perfect).” the mix of russian and english made my head reel as i struggled to keep up. due to my limited vocabulary, i couldn’t understand the last word she said. the man seemed to grow silent - thinking. then he looked at me.

“you.” his eyes narrowed, “you’re hired.” he chuckled at his own comment, before motioning to the man with a gun, “отведи ее в ее комнату (take her to her room).”

most of the individuals hydra picked up found their way underground after proving useless in the long-term. some days, i deeply wished i would have been one of them. instead, i just had to get him to talk on that first day.

we had sessions anytime between when he was frozen and when he had missions. within the first couple months, i realized this wasn’t some deranged murderer with anger issues. of course, my fear had clouded my initial judgement of him. he talked more and more every session, becoming less and less brooding while we spoke. and every time, i’d leave with a heavy heart, knowing any amount of vulnerability he’d succeeded in showing would be taken as a threat, and stamped out quickly and efficiently.

the worst was the day when he happened to tell me a little about his past. he still barely remembered anything - just names, really.

“steve.”

“rebecca.”

“winnifred.”

“sarah.”

he had barely any idea who they were - he knew rebecca and winnifred were family members, but not what type of relationship he had. he said the name ‘steve’ the most out of all of them, but he, for the life of him, couldn’t remember anything about who the man was.

that day, i remember watching him be escorted out of the room alongside me. however, i was sent up to the humble abode which they called my room, while he was sent elsewhere. they didn’t tell me, but late that night, every person in the building knew exactly where he’d gone.

from the basement of the building, screams of pure pain shook the walls, bypassing any of the measure that must have been taken to keep him down there. i remember dropping the shirt i was holding and gasping out loud. the noises were so clear, it was almost as if he was in just the next room. as images of what they could have done to him flashed through my mind, i felt a chill run through my back.

that was the first night i cried. the white pillow underneath my head grew damp in minutes, and i could feel myself silently gasping for air as i sobbed.

i knew that what i did never ended particularly well for him, but this was the first time i realized the scope of what i was doing. i felt my eyes grow more wet, my vision more blurry as i realized that there was simply no way out. if i tried to stop hurting him, they’d simply find someone else to take my place. beyond that, i had the constant reminder of the lives of all the people i held dear also being affected by any rash decisions i made.

my headache persisted as my eyes grew tired, shutting fully and allowing me to succumb to a sorrowful slumber.

i remember the day we all knew hydra would fall. with the valiant efforts of captain america being spoken about like passing gossip, no one followed routine. an overwhelming air of panic held over each and every person working that day. my own consisted of me sitting, unbothered, in my room. i slept through the day - or at least, tried to. my eyes remained shut, the brightness of the sun, that had been so prevalent due to the window adjacent to the bed, dwindling as dusk came. once the sky darkened, there was an eerie silence across the building. i remained in my position, except i now turned to face myself away from the window.

i don’t remember what i thought about as i lay. i knew there were thoughts of hope, but also feelings of immense worry. would i be thrown in prison for the things i’d done? did i deserve to be?

as my mind did stop racing, however, and i prepared myself for falling dead asleep, i felt a cold object press up against my mouth.

my eyes shot open, and i involuntarily squeaked. i attempted to push my body up to be in a standing position, but i was quickly pushed back down. for as suffocating the object was, the push was relatively gentle.

“no.” the voice was calm, and oh-so-very familiar. i craned my neck to face my assailant. his blue eyes met mine, and i felt a surge of adrenaline rush over me. i struggled against his iron grip more, wriggling hopelessly, as his eyes clouded in worry. he attempted to use one hand to still me, and his metal hand over my mouth. “stop it. i don’t want to hurt you.” i quickly realized his tone was more pleading than threatening, but i decided to not take my chances. i stopped my movements, and he took the opportunity as a means of helping me to my feet. his hand now served more as a shield over my mouth, as opposed to a vacuum over. “don’t speak. no sounds.” i nod frantically, and he cautiously takes his hand away. deciding against facing his wrath, i keep my promise and stayed quiet.

“what’re you doing?” my voice was quieter than a whisper. his proximity to me broke one of the two rules from the start of our sessions. he’d only ever broken it during our first session. then, he’d been about an arm’s length away. now, however, his nose could have brushed against mine should he have leaned in only a couple centimeters. i found it hard to maintain eye contact, his stare exceedingly overwhelming. instead i studied the strands of hair over his face, the stubble present on his jawbone, his frowning lips.

“we have to leave.” he moved away from me quickly and, for just a moment, i missed the contact.

“we?”

“everything’s coming down. you can’t stay.”

“coming down? i don’t-”

“pierce is dead.” i widen my eyes in shock. i’d only directly met the man once, but tales of his power and political reach were constant topics of conversation among the building. he always gave off an aura of invincibility. i guess it was the wrong impression. “i have to get you out of here.” one of my eyebrows quirked involuntarily.

“under whose orders?” i wondered who on earth thought i was one of the few people to focus on keeping safe - or, at least, in a monitored place. the soldat faltered, his answer stopping in his throat.

“i- uh, here.” he had thrust a couple loose bits of clothing, along with some other necessities, into a bag i kept to carry notes across the building. it was small - meant to carry a book or two at most - so it was almost bursting at the seams. he pushed it into my hands. “we have to go.” the urgency in his voice made me forget my previous question. i was about to walk to the door, when i heard his footsteps going back towards to my window. that was when i realized he’d not only effortlessly, but also silently, twisted the metal bars blocking me from previous hope of escape. the space allowed his to step over the thing onto a small outer ledge. gracefully, he landed on the grassy floor, still barely making a sound. my room was situated on the second floor, so the jump wasn’t impossible - just risky.

i looked at him, the top half of my body similarly peeking through the bars. his eyes met mine once more, watching me expectantly. quickly following his lead, i awkwardly swung my legs over the ledge. i threw the rucksack down at him, and he caught it, his metal hand glistening in the moonlight as he raised it. holding on to the remaining bars of my window, i clutched for dear life as i stood on the small ledge. taking a deep breath, i sighed. i remember thinking something about then being now or never. i jumped, trying to keep my body from tipping any direction as much as possible.

my feet found the ground, and my knees and hands would have followed had he not caught me from splaying on the floor. my already heavy breathing only accelerated.

“okay?” i nod before answering.

“yeah- yeah, let’s go.” he nods, before slinging my bag over his shoulder, the tiny thing looking almost comical against his large frame.

for as secretive as the organization was, the building wasn’t very far from a main road. after only a short while of trudging through somewhat dense foliage, we had made it to a residential area. sure, it wasn’t rows of apartment buildings, but a couple small houses dotted the area.

“shall we ask for help?” the walk had been silent, so my voice cut through the cold night air.

“no.” we kept walking.

at about the third house we were going to pass, he decided to, instead, walk up the driveway. for a moment, i wondered if he’d finally decided to follow my advice, but when he started messing with the driver’s side door of the car parked there, i widened my eyes.

“what are you doing?” i hissed quickly, scurrying to catch up with him.

“getting a car. you want to walk?” i rolled my eyes.

“of course not, but you can’t steal a car.” he turned to face me, a hint of panic present in his pupils.

“quiet.” he grabbed my shoulder and pushed me so we were both crouching behind the car. a light shone around the vehicle, and i winced as another voice started speaking.

“hon, you said someone’s out here?” it was a gruff male voice - the hoarseness of it indicating that he smoked.

“c’mon paul, i heard someone talking. and i’m - like - 95% sure i saw someone.” a much younger female voice replied from a little farther, likely still in the house.

“i don’t see anyone. besides, no need to worry - y’got me to protect you.” the woman giggled.

“‘course i do, c’mon back in. i’m sure it’s just the night playing tricks on me.” i heard the door click shut, and the soldat peered over the hood. satisfied, he went back to fidgeting with the car. after a moment of two of scraping and breathing, the thing popped open with a small noise. humming at his success, he clambered in - his arm reaching over to open the passenger side door. i quickly followed him, and the noise of the engine starting caused my panic to surge. luckily, no one noticed the noises, and he backed out onto the road - stepping on the gas as soon as he turned the car to face forward.

for the first month, we moved between motel and motel across the area. i had almost become more accustomed to the baseball cap he used to mask his appearance than i did his actual features.

he’d been more transparent with me the moment we found a place to spend that first night. he’d given me several opportunities to leave - stating that he knew he’d be wanted and how dangerous it may be to stay with him. every time he said it, a nervous giggle would leave me - i’d remind him of the sheer amount of posters and news coverage - his face was plastered at every rest stop or store we’d go to. he sorta needed me. then i’d reminded him that i was simply returning a favor.

after a while, i asked the question i had meant to ask back in my room.

“whose orders were it to get me out?” his face a hardened slightly, and i worried and wondered about what could possible be so detestable about the question.

he had explained that there weren’t necessarily orders he was following when he went back for me - instead, he knew the fate of any hydra operative and hoped to exclude me from the ordeal. i remember mulling over his words as i tried to sleep. i knew he had a basic sense of empathy under whatever hold hydra had placed him, but going back to the one place he’d be least safe? that wasn’t just a human side of him - that was almost suicide. did he plan on going back and getting more out? what made him come back for me? did he know about the harm that my actions had caused - especially towards him?

i fell into another night of fitful sleep.

we’d stuck together since then - managing to make it all the way into europe after meeting 2 dozen shady individuals in order to acquire fake passports. he remained somewhat closed off - similar to how he’d been while he was held captive - but i could tell that this wasn’t the same person i’d been talking to previously.

the soldat was cold. he had an almost constant aura of menace. he had eyes full of a lust for blood - no doubt fueled by the experiments done on him. he was human - but barely.

this new version of the man - while similarly quiet - didn’t carry that aura with him. while still huge - big enough to easily snap anyone in half - he didn’t want to anymore. he was softer - the look in his eyes, the way he spoke, even his appearance seemed less rough around the edges.

beyond that, of course, was the flashes of memory that he was now experiencing. it’d happen sometimes when he was awake - he’d managed to finally remember what the name ‘sarah’ meant to him over breakfast one morning - but most of occurred while he slept. while he dreamt, he’d speak, parroting out loud the little morsels of memory his mind was feeding to him.

he had bolted me awake, in the middle of the night, when i heard him yell. instead of it being one of terror or pain - it was one of triumph. he spoke animatedly as soon as i tried to ask him what was going on. through the ramble, i realized what he’d managed to remember.

his name. he’d managed to remember a conversation with steve in which he was referred to as ‘bucky’. his excitement was quickly surpassed by my own - ecstatic that he’d slowly managed to understand more about is identity.

that was the first night he’d smiled.

#mcu imagine #marvel #bucky barnes #bucky barnes oneshot #bucky barnes imagine #james bucky barnes #james buchanan barnes #bucky barnes x reader #mcu #the winter soldier #winter soldier x reader #bucky barnes angst #bucky barnes fluff #winter soldier angst #therapist!reader x bucky barnes #therapist!reader x winter soldier #the soldat #sebastian stan

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hcneymilkks · 3 years

Text

Month

A fake dating au but make it marriage. Two best friends scroll on social media and notice a trend where newlyweds send invites to famous celebrities to see what will happen? An appearance? A gift? Who knows. For the two best friends, as a joke, set up a fake wedding and request the most expensive gifts with the option of money. Sending invites to celebrities ranging from Kim Kardashian to even the Queen, they are surprised and shocked to realize that not only were gifts being delivered nearing the “big day” but a request to be part of the celebration causes the two friends to create a fake marriage in the smallest amount of time they have.

University AU! Aged-up Haikyuu Characters!

Fashion Designer/Psychologist Oikawa

Humanities Y/N

Rain splattered on the window, causing little droplets here and there to roll down with no hesitation. The quiet hums of lo-fi music made its way around the little bedroom, with vigorous typing accompanying it.

Backspace.

Enter.

Click and delete.

Brain throbbing, a sigh escaping from the lips.

It was no use, the longer the computer was stared at, the more your brain felt like mush.

“Damn him and using me to do his research analysis.”

Speak of the devil.

“Y/n!”

You stood up, turning around and crossing your arms with a glare. There he stood, crossing his arms and leaning against the doorframe with a sly smirk on his face.

Tooru Oikawa.

“How’s the report going? I hope to see it done by tomorrow?”

“Fuck you,” you strided over and pushed his arms, causing him to slightly lose balance. “Just tell me how you managed not getting kicked out yet. I swear you casted a spell on your professors or something. It's like you don’t do anything.”

He feigned hurt. “I do!” He whined. “Just not class related.” He pushed past you and flung yourself onto the bed, burying his face into your freshly washed sheets. “I’m designing a new clothing line inspired by the different volleyball team colours.”

“Is this your way at relieving the pain from not making it to nationals?” you snickered, remembering how pissed off he was after Ushijima told him he should have gone to Shiratorizawa.

“I-you little shit. This is why I never tell you things.”

“Shut up shittykawa you literally are making me do your research proposal. I know nothing about psychology!”

“I’m helping you learn a new subject! It’s time to look into your own brain and see what’s wrong with you!”

…

Three.

Two.

One.

“OIKAWA YOU LITTLE SHIT!” you flung yourself on top of him, garnering an oomph! sound. You smacked his back repeatedly.

He let it have your way, already coming up with a counterattack.

With stinging hands and shallow breaths after saying nothing but curses, you stopped and climbed off of him. Immediately, he’s on top of you. Pinning your wrists and getting dangerously closer to your neck. You couldn’t lie, he was attractive, but knowing him and his two-faced personality, you’d rather stay friends.

But did you really want to?

A part of him knew you wanted him, but was that a risk you were willing to take?

Deep breaths.

A low chuckle. “You love me y/n. I know you do, and I also know you’d do anything for me.” He smirked and pressed a kiss oh so close to your lips, getting up and dusting off his black shirt.

“I’m leaving! Remember, the paper has to be done by tomorrow!”

The door closed and for a moment you looked at your ceiling.

Eyes wide.

Taking a pillow, you screamed into it.

“SHITTYKAWA!”

“Here you hoe, now for once in your life do your own work.”

You stomped into one of the many University studios, aiming the folder at Oikawa’s head much to his dismay.

“Thank you love you!”

You glared at him and waved a hand. “You definitely owe me like five bowls of ramen after what you put me through. I can’t believe you made me read so much on children’s brains and development.”

“I mean they said to choose something I liked, so children and volleyball worked together. Plus, if I actually had to conduct the research, my nephew’s volleyball club would have been perfect.” He finally turned around after pinning the teal fabric to the mannequin, striding towards you and ruffling your hair.

You mumbled incoherent curses as Oikawa picked up his sketchbook, writing down a quick note before closing it.

“Let’s go, I’m starving.”

The fragrant air of spices and creamy broth filled the little shop, making you drool. Grateful that Oikawa was rich, you took the opportunity to order almost everything on the menu.

“Y/n isn’t that-” you growled at him and he smirked.

“Feisty, you know I love that.” he winked and you gagged.

While waiting for the food, both of you were scrolling on Instagram. Having most of the same friends, it was no surprise that your timelines almost looked identical. Rolling his eyes, Oikawa saw a group photo of most of the volleyball players Hinata was pictured with, wanting nothing more than to squish the little one.

But then something caught your eyes.

You looked up at Oikawa who seemingly had the same expression, eyes wide, yet confused.

The dead groupchat came back to life with a link sent by Matsukawa, something about a bet.

matthewkawa

Look at this lol

Sent a link

[Youtube storytime: The Time I Invited Drake to My Wedding (Spoiler Alert: He Came!)]

hannamaki

Wait why would someone invite a celebrity? Aren’t they hard to ask?

nishinoyya

Wait that’s cool! Asahi-san can we invite Jason Derulo to our wedding?

acai

Wait...what? What wedding?

y/n

Waittt i’ve seen that video

Apparently as a joke the person sent lots of invites to different celebrities. Most of them gave gifts or money but I guess Drake went

iwachew

LOOL IMAGINE Y/N AND CRAPPYKAWA DOING THAT

yoyoinata

I can see that woah!

milkyama

Psh! Flattykawa and y/n. I can’t see it. y/n deserves better lol

fabkawa

OI TAKE THAT BACK STUPID

y/n

Oi don’t talk back to my child like that shittykawa

fabkawa

Shut up y/n and eat your ramen

You glared at him before saying thank you to the waiter. Both minds now occupied with the creamy ramen and soft boiled egg.

Flipping a page, you smiled. There it was, the fake couple who both fell for each other, breaking so many rules. But who couldn’t resist?

Oikawa scrolled on the computer, typing and clicking. He swiveled around in his seat and went over to you, peering over your shoulder.

You smacked his arm. “Personal space excuse me!” He put his arm up in defence, smirking.

“Remember the post Matsukawa sent?

“Yeah. So what?”

“I made the wedding on May 14th and invited some celebrities. Who did you want to send an invite to?”

You dropped the book. “Say what?”

Oikawa dragged you from his bed and sat you down on his uncomfy chair. Indeed, the computer screen showed a cheesy website where people rsvp to weddings. Already half of the groupchat accepted and you know this had to be a joke.

“Oikawa are you dumb? Who are you marrying? Wait no, who would want to marry you?” you looked at him and he pouted.

“Iwa-chan said no, Mad Dog scares me, Ushijima is definitely a no, so you’re left.”

“Who said I would do it?”

“I invited Stray Kids.”

Are you kidding me?

“This isn’t real, we’re not gonna really get married right? I mean if we were technically speaking, the wedding is less than a month away and we don’t have money, a reception place or any other sappy wedding shit.” You looked at the list and sure enough, Stray Kids was there.

“No y/n nothing is going to happen trust me. Plus, who doesn’t like free gifts? I tried to ask for expensive gifts and money because someone’s wardrobe and apartment looks ugly as hell.”

“You better not be talking about me bitch. I’m gonna set that sketchbook on fire.”

Oikawa chuckled. “Add some more people on the list, I wanna see how far this can get.”

“I never said I agreed to it,” you mumbled but nonetheless added in a few of your favourite celebrities, including the queen.

After all, if this worked, free money. What’s the harm in that?”

A lot went wrong after that.

It was three am a week after the planning and your phone wouldn’t stop ringing. Grumbling, you answered the call without looking at the number…..which was a stupid mistake.

“Y/N! HOW DO I CANCEL THE WEDDING?!”

“Relax Papi you said nothing would happen? Free money right?” you yawned not even realizing what you said.

Oikawa sputtered on the other line, shaking his head and ignoring how you called him Papi for some reason. “Yeah but uh...we have a little problem.”

“Hm…”

“Jason Derulo accepted the invite ...and he can’t wait to see the ceremony.”

From that moment, you were fully awake. “WHAT?!!”

“What do you mean you can’t cancel the wedding?” you rubbed at your temples, losing more brain cells by the minute.

"Okay so apparently my last name is common around celebrities, seeing as my father owns different restaurants. So it’s not a surprise to them that they wouldn’t attend the wedding.’

“Fuck.” you breathed out. How did the both of you not realize this?

“Okay so um..what now?”

Oikawa ruffled his air. “We go through with it.”

"Fuck no.”

“What why?”

You’re the one who thought of this crazy idea! It’s all your fault!”

“But you’re the one who put Jason Derulo in there!”’

You smacked your forehead. “It was a joke and for free money! Look what you got us into.”

Yells back and forth, each blaming the other. It was like the night wasn’t going to end soon. Tired from the arguing, you smacked Oikawa’s chest. “Stupid,” you mumbled. “I don’t want to do this!”

Oikawa scratched the back of his neck. “But what if I want to?” You looked up at him confused. “You know, like how Hinata and Tobio fake dated but then became boyfriends.”

“Oikawa, that’s different. That’s dating, this is marriage. It’s adult stuff, I can barely cook!”

“I’ll cook for you.”

You walked away from him, going towards his balcony. The view was beautiful, seeing various stars and the lights shining from Tokyo. “This is too much for me to handle. You're a pain, you know that?”

He wrapped his arms around you and instinctively you snuggled closer to his chest, facing the view so he wouldn’t see your red cheeks.

"Remember when we were children? And we had a whole promise that we would be with each other forever?” you laughed. The classic child marriage pact. It was as if almost all friendships started with that promise. A promise to love and stay with each other no matter what.

“That’s child play.”

He started to rub circles with his thumbs on your arms, you feeling relaxed. “One month. Give me one month after the wedding. We’ll go on a honeymoon to London, I'll teach you how to cook, you can live with me, we can adopt a puppy.” Oikawa gulped and looked at you. “And if you don’t like it, we can pretend none of this happened. In fact i’ll stop bothering you with my assignments and my presence.”

One month. That sounded like a challenge. A challenge that Oikawa was willing to risk everything for. A month to make you fall for him.

“...so we’re splitting the gifts and money equally then, right?”

A/N: I’m back! This has been in my drafts for months. At first it was supposed to be Yuto from Pentagon but after getting into Haikyuu I was like fuck it and changed it to Oikawa. Also because yes LMAO. I hope you all liked it and let me know your comments! Part two will be in the works if people want it, for now its a oneshot aha.

Much love!

tags: @babyworld , @bakuhoes-dumbass

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vendeavendea · 4 years

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How Entrapta Has Become My All Time Favourite Autistic Representation in Media: Long Version

Just so you know what to expect, this is more of a very long and boring personal post and less of a character analysis. By "very long", I mean "very long". Also, half of it was written at night when I was supposed to be sleeping (like, right now), so some parts might not even make sense. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Just days before I started to watch She-Ra, I answered a question in a writer group where someone asked what are the do's and don'ts of writing an autistic character. I've been told a couple of times in my life that I can’t be autistic based on the fact that I'm not really interested in or good at science, so I think special interests of autistic people are something that definitely has to be presented better in media. So I advised this person to make their character have a special interest that's NOT related to science, technology, space or computers, because it's a very common misconception that people on the autism spectrum are always into these stuff, and there are so many autistic fictional characters based on this stereotype that I feel like we absolutely don't need any more.

And then I saw Entrapta.

I didn't know she's canonically autistic until a much later episode, but it didn't surprise me when I was told she is, because my autism radar went off like a hundred times while watching System Failure and all her other season 1 appearances (so did my ADHD radar, by the way, but as far as I know, this hasn't been confirmed by the creators, so it's just my headcanon). And she looked like the purple ponytails princess version of the autism stereotype that I didn’t want to see any more of. The genius who is into space and robots, knows nothing about human relationships and keeps driving everyone nuts with her long and impossible-to-follow scientific monologues. Also cute and funny, yeah, but still, as someone on the spectrum who is super artistic and has nothing to do with science stuff, my first reaction was "dang, not this shit again." Just for once in my life, I wanted to see an autistic representation that's not just that typical weird tech-lover but a character that's at least a tiny bit more like me. Seeing her only in her first episode, little did I know that Entrapta's character has an incredible depth and her whole arc was going to be hair-raisingly personal to me (I know I'm not funny, but pun intended).

First, let’s talk about robots, because we can't talk about Entrapta without talking about robots. Entrapta builds robots just for fun, because technology is her thing, but there's actually a lot more behind this. Starting from as early as her debute episode, we see through the whole series that she creates robots with different designs, abilities, personalities, very similar to real people, as a sort of substitute for the human (or whatever species) company she'd wish to have. She even gives them names. She programs them to like being around her, to understand her, something that she hasn't really experienced from real people, which is sad enough on its own, but even sadder if we consider that she actually has human staff working at her fortress. She pretty literally makes friends, and she does it with the help of her special interest. And this totally reminds me of my primary school years when I had zero real friends and used my special interest, which was writing fictional stories and creating worlds/universes/languages in my head, to make up imaginary characters that could be my "friends" so that I wouldn't be that lonely.

Then, her interactions with other characters, especially with Hordak. Entrapta consoling Hordak in Huntara is a very powerful scene to me, not only what she says, but also how she says it. When Hordak starts venting about how he is a failure and all, Entrapta's first immediate response is to provide a practical solution, to design an armor for him, and comforting him with words is only a secondary action. She's helping in her own way, with technology, because that's what she's the best at, but she also wants to make sure he understands that fixing imperfections isn't always the solution, embracing them is. I also love how it's hinted with the "loved" crystal that Entrapta's love language may be acts of service (and probably quality time as well), which is another thing we have in common. And there's another thing in that scene I found very relatable: that part when she stops consoling him and starts to talk about herself being a failure instead. In real life, most people would read that in a negative way. I've been in many situations where I've tried doing something similar to people who were venting to me, and normally, they're like "ew, I'm the one complaining now, stop making it about you." But Hordak's reaction is different, all he does is try to tell her she's not a failure before she shushes him, then he just listens. He understands what Entrapta means by saying all those things about herself isn't "hey, look, my life is also horrible, so I get to complain, too" but rather "I feel you, we're the same". For a person who thinks and acts as differently from average people as Entrapta does, connecting with someone through similar experiences and feelings is a huge thing, and this is so relatable to me that I cried like a baby while watching that scene. Also, kudos to Christine Woods for making Entrapta's monologue sound so factual and casual. It really gives the impression of someone who is fully aware of her own strengths and weaknesses and accepts herself as a whole with all her flaws. The way she lists all the things that make her feel like a failure right after saying "imperfection is beautiful" is just... wow. But seriously, this whole "imperfection is beautiful" thing in general is such a cliché that it's not even supposed to work on me, but hell it does, because it's so well-presented that it's actually one of the most powerful moments of the whole series. Entrapta giving me self-acceptance lessons is all I've ever needed in my life (Hordak probably agrees, lol).

Speaking of self-acceptance, I also love how Beast Island shows that it's a long and difficult process with its ups and downs instead of just a door you walk through once in your life and then stay on the other side forever. Even if I accept and love myself the way I am, it's still totally normal to have low points with thoughts like "I'm not suited for friendship" or "everyone leaves me behind". And it's very nice and uplifting to have someone's love and support when I'm in a bad mood with stuff like this on my mind, but personally, I often find it easier to deal with if I have something related to any of my special interests around that I can focus my thoughts on. My "we flew here on an ancient First Ones ship, do you wanna see it?" would be something like "do you wanna create some characters and then write the shit out of them?" and before this show I've never actually realised how neurodiverse it is to use a hobby or interest for self-care like this. The "definitely the ship" part called me out so hard, and I just adore how the writers were able put so much meaning into a single joke line.

Back to interactions, there's also something painfully relatable in the way the other princesses treat Entrapta. Even in the beginning in No Princess Left Behind, but mostly in season 4 and 5. In most cases, Entrapta is only considered to be worthy enough to not be left behind in situations when her skills are useful. Other characters "liking" her isn't really about herself as a person but her tech knowledge. Just like when you go to school and the only reason your classmates want to make friends with you is because you always do your homework and let others copy it, or you're good at explaining stuff and are willing to help people getting prepared for tests/exams. When I was in grammar school, my classmates ignored me or mocked me for liking animation and comics, but every now and then they did the bare minimum of treating me like a human being and expected me to do their arts homework in return, because I was the only one in my class who was good at arts. When I studied linguistics at the uni, I was really into phonology and historical linguistics, and those were the compulsory subjects most of the other students were struggling with, so many people wanted to hang out with me just to make sure they could get my notes before the exams. The same people kept calling me nerd and making fun of me behind my back. I also had a few genuine friends, which I'm grateful for, but I still know what it feels like to be needed only for a specific skill while not being noticed and respected as a person, and Launch portraits this experience in a very clever way. It's so amazing to see how the princesses realise who Entrapta really is and start to treat her as someone who just thinks differently instead of someone who's a deliberate bad person. They finally get to see that she's not just an unwary tech nerd, but also a determined, caring and loyal friend who gives others so much love in her own geeky way and deserves love, too. But I shouldn't even be surprised, I mean, we're talking about a show that teaches us "you worth more than what you can give to other people," and it's great how this message applies to other characters as well, not only to Adora. And the best part is that this whole conflict is not presented as something black and white, it's not like Entrapta is the poor misunderstood autistic person and the princesses are the evil allistic bad guys who mistreat her. It's simply a miscommunication between neurotypical and neurodivergent individuals, and while the other princesses get to understand that they hurt Entrapta by their actions and that they should be more respectful of her, Entrapta also realises that she's made mistakes and hurt people, becomes aware of her own bad habits and makes efforts to get rid of them in order to save Glimmer. Plus I also love the faint implication that most of the princesses never really, genuinely, 100% make friends with Entrapta even after this scene, because sometimes people just don't resonate with each other enough to become close friends, but they learn to accept her differences and treat her with respect, nonetheless. This episode is so full of realistic interactions and character development it blows my mind every time I rewatch it.

I could just go on and on about all those tiny relatable details such as "I've waited years for someone to ask me about my theories!" I think this was the line that first made me fall in love with Entrapta's character. I mean, if someone from the crew wrote this line, that means they might know the feeling, too, so I'm not the only dork who feels this way every time someone asks me a question about my hyperfixations. And it's just so reassuring. Entrapta has many lines of the kind, they're not even important plotwise, but still super relatable and validating.

Now that we're here, and I know that I probably should have said this at the beginning of the post, but I'm too lazy to rewrite the first paragraph accordingly, I'd like to note that these are all my own interpretations and reflections on Entrapta's character based on my own experiences. This whole thing is totally personal, and I don't want anyone to think that this is how Entrapta is supposed to be seen by the whole fandom. So yeah, that's pretty much it for now.

#She-Ra #She-Ra Reboot #SPOP #entrapta #autism #personal

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blue-eyed-korra · 4 years

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Is Dylan really Kieran? A Theory Dissection:

So I’ve taken the time to process everything that’s happened in the amazing season finale of Purple Hyacinth because I didn’t want to rush into posting about it and I really wanted to let my thoughts about it simmer for a bit. I also decided to reread the entire season over the course of a couple days to get the best idea of how it worked as a whole. Once again if you haven’t read this yet please do yourself a favour and check it out it’s really phenomenal.

I’ll probably make a few posts about PH over the next couple weeks as we wait for season 2. However I won’t post an analysis of the finale mainly because Lanxyuu already did an amazing job of that already. Check it out if you’ve got the time, it’s 10000 words of pure analytical gold. Writing about any of that would be redundant. That being said the first thing I’m gonna talk about is the whole ‘Is Kieran actually Dylan’ theory that’s the new hot thing in the fandom, mainly because I’ve received a lot of requests to discuss it and also because I feel like I can add my own points to the debate.

So let’s just get it out of the way: do I think Kieran is Dylan? As of right now the answer is no. I just don’t think we have enough evidence to prove it, and what’s there is more circumstantial. That doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy theorizing about it. I’ve found that discussing and sharing theories and ideas is one of my favourite ways to interact with a fandom. So I’m gonna put all of the evidence that I’ve observed in the entire first season both in favour of and against this theory and show why I think we can’t say that Kieran is Dylan. I’m not telling you to not believe it. Believe what you want! Like I said it’s fun to do this. I’ve just been specifically asked my opinion and I want to be able to justify it through what I’ve seen in the comic itself.

For more of my posts about Purple Hyacinth check out my ‘ph posts’ tag!

So with all of that out of the way, let’s get started!

Evidence in favour of Kieran being Dylan:

One of the things I think most of us can agree on is that Dylan probably isn’t really dead. In general if I’m not shown a body, I don’t believe they’re dead. I’ve seen far too many movies and TV shows and have read far too many novels to be fooled by that. As of right now, in my head, Dylan is alive, or at least wasn’t killed in the bombing. So obviously if he isn’t dead then that frees him up to show up in the plot at some point or maybe he was there all along...?

This kind of ties into my next point: what happened to him then? His hat was found at the scene, so he must have lost it at some point before the explosion. This is all speculative, but he could have been snatched up by Tim and the driver in Lauren’s parents car. We heard Tim mention that children were in the car so it’s somewhat plausible that Dylan could have been kidnapped. Maybe he saw something suspicious and snooped around a bit which lead to him being snatched up or something. From there he’s tortured and broken and made into an assassin for the PS. Only he isn’t broken. He steels his resolve and does as he’s told because he’s now set on biding his time and getting revenge on those who robbed him of his life and humanity. It makes for a pretty compelling character arc.

The tragedy of his character arc could also be supplemented by the fact that when he was young, he wanted to be a doctor and save lives, but they made him into an assassin who takes lives. Brutally. Violently. Painfully. All of this would emphasize why he views himself as such a monster. The person he is now goes against everything the person he once was values. It’s this dichotomy that reinforces his ‘monster’ persona and allows him to justify this view of himself.

Another point is that this could explain why Kieran hesitated when he could have killed Lauren way back in episode 3. Of course he would hesitate to kill someone who was his close friend. Most of his murders were of people he either didn’t know or didn’t know very well. If he’d had a close friendship with her in childhood, it would obviously make him stop for a moment when he realizes who she is, just like he does in that episode. We even see Lauren say that if she knew why he hesitated then ‘everything would be different’. Obviously if she found out that he was her-long-lost-thought-to-be-dead friend, the person who symbolized her guilt for not stopping the bombing, the plot would be waaaaaay different. Just like the line about being the most blind of all in the prologue, the implications of this line are going to play a major role in the story, and this theory could explain that.

Then there’s those god damned purple hyacinths. Obviously Dylan’s knowledge of these flowers, both in their cultivation and meaning, are things that Kieran must know too. We pretty much know that they’re his signature for both their royal symbolism and their use in mourning, and that Kieran must have a stash of them growing somewhere. There’s also the fact that Lauren, who we know is very intelligent and well educated even at 12, doesn’t know the meaning of purple hyacinths other than their use as a symbol by the royal family. This tells me that their symbolism outshines their meaning in the traditional sense within the pop culture. Honestly, I didn’t even know the meanings of most flowers except for roses until I started reading this Webtoon. I’m not saying that people don’t know the meaning at all, I’m just saying it may not be common knowledge.

The final point I wanna talk about in favour of this theory is their appearances, since that will bleed nicely into the points against it for obvious reasons. So many people, myself included, have noticed that if you switch Dylan’s hair and eye colouring for Kieran’s, he’d basically look like little Kieran, and yes, I see it too. You could say that he could be dying his hair, it’s not crazy to believe hair dye exists in this world. How else does Belladonna have pink hair if they didn’t have access to dye? Unless it’s just stains from the blood of her victims… Actually that could be a theory lol but that’s not the point. Point is Kieran could theoretically have his hair dyed black, but it’s a bit of a stretch, as I explain in...

Evidence against Kieran being Dylan:

While he maaaaay be able to change his hair colour from light blond to black, there’s no way for him to change his eye colour from grey to blue. If rectangular glasses don’t even exist in this world yet (thank you Soph for this justification for why you gave him Harry Potter glasses), there’s no way that they’d have access to contact lenses yet. The other argument is that his eye colour changed with age but that feels a bit too... convenient for my taste. Odds are our boy Kieran is sporting the look he was born with. Additionally, with everything going on in his life and his priorities, when would he have the time to constntly maintain this look, and why would he feel the need to disguise himself in the first place? He already operates in the shadows of the night and none of the authorities, other than Lauren, were able to get close enough to describe his appearance. There would simply be no need for all of that extra disguising.

Speaking of his appearance, we’ve seen one of his victims recognize him before he murders them. He says something interesting: ‘You were that boy’. Now this whole thing is one of my favourite mysteries of the series, so you best believe I am jumping on this shit the second we get more info about it. But for now, I want to use it to show that this aristocrat, who were loyal to the crown and presumably hadn’t seen him in years, took one look at Kieran’s face and immediately recognized him from when he was a child. If this man knew he had these same features as a boy, then it’s safe to assume that he’s always looked like this. This also links him to the aristocracy, since there’s no reason why this man of high status in opposition the PS would know anything about him unless he knew him before he entered the PS. Dylan, on the other hand, was the son of a gardener. He was friends with Lauren sure, but he clearly was of a lower station in society than someone like Lauren or the other aristocratic families. It’s doubtful that he’d leave such an impression on this high society man.

On top of all of that, if he were really Dylan and this man really did see through his change in appearance, why wouldn’t Lauren see through it too? She was one of his best friends and thinks about him constantly. If this man was able to recognize him in a single moment but she still doesn’t recognize him after months, then odds are he just isn’t Dylan.

There’s also the fact that Kieran doesn’t lie when he tells Lauren his name. It’s the same name that people like Belladonna know him by and it’s the name he uses when he becomes the archivist in Lauren’s precinct. Like he said before: there’s no need for him to hide his identity. He’s protected by his reputation and the PS itself. I can see an argument where he could have ‘renounced’ his old name because the person he once was is dead and only the monster remains, which is again a cool theory , or you could say it’s to keep people from knowing that he’s actually alive. But there would be no real need for him to change his name. He could have two names just like the hyacinths have two meanings. I will say that this theory about ‘Kieran White’ not being his true name could also work in favour for him not being Dylan too as, if he was an aristocrat, the PS could have changed his name to hide him from his family as well, but that’s neither here nor there, just something to consider. For now we know that he really is Kieran White and there’s no evidence to disprove that (yet).

Finally, many of the points listed in favour of the theory; the motive, the character arc, the knowledge of flowers, it’s all circumstantial. For all we know, Kieran could be Dylan Rosenthal, or he could be some boy connected to the aristocracy or even the royal family. He could be Dylan Rosenthal, or he could be his own character with his own arc yet to be fully revealed who’s connected to Lauren somehow. The meaning of purple hyacinths could come from Dylan’s prior knowledge, or they could common knowledge and Kieran just bought ‘Gardening for Dummies’ or some shit to make sure he didn’t kill them. Any number of different things could really be at play that we simply don’t know yet. But we do know that a man recognized him at a glance while Lauren, Dylan’s best friend, didn’t recognize him whatsoever. We do know that there’s no proof that hair and especially eye colour can be changed in this world. We do know that we still have quite a ways to go in this story and that the answers aren’t what we expect.

Eph and Soph have done an amazing job of revealing the story to us in disjointed pieces so that when we finally get that one piece that fits, may of them fall into place too. How many of us realized it was her parents’ car in the picture before it was revealed in episode 49? Or thought that Harvey was a spy all along? I don’t think we know nearly enough about him to prove he’s Dylan, but what we do have at this moment is enough to disprove it. What we have now is primarily speculation versus hard physical evidence. We need to accept that we don’t have all the pieces to the puzzle yet and that we’ll only receive new ones little by little.

So, until we learn more about Kieran’s past or until we see ‘changing-eye-colour’ join ‘lie-detecting’ as a new supernatural ability, I’m afraid that I can’t fully get behind this theory. Again, this doesn’t mean I’m telling you not to believe it. Thinking about all the implications of Kieran being Dylan is a lot of fun, just like thinking about Kieran’s backstory and motives is fun. And I could be wrong about all of this, who knows? Writing this just got me really excited to see where his arc will lead us and even more excited for season 2!

Thanks again to everyone who wanted me to discuss this! I had a lot of fun writing it and would love to hear feedback from you guys about any thing you may want to contribute that I may not have mentioned. This post was born of a sleepless night into morning and a need to get all my thoughts out of my brain so it could finally turn off and let me sleep. I already have an idea about what I’m gonna write next so stay tuned and thanks again for all the support!!

#purple hyacinth #webtoon #kieran white #lauren sinclair #my thoughts #ephemerys #sophism #ph posts

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threephasebird · 4 years

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Hello friend, it's Nicole from TAD discord, so sorry for awkwardly & randomly sliding into your dms. I've noticed that you've been reblogging a lot of The Untamed recently and I have just finished The Untamed & literally cannot think about anything else. I'm obsessed. Anyway, I've also noticed from your blog that your favorite seems to be JGY and I find that *fascinating*. He's very much not my fav, but he's such a complex character that I would love to hear your thoughts & feelings & analysis?

And to be completely clear, I will never try to debate with you or say your opinions are wrong or immoral or anything. I'm not an anti, I've stanned plenty of villains in my time. I'm just genuinely curious. I think the fact that you have such different feelings about this character is part of the beauty of stories and a testament to how complex and smart this particular story is.

Hello friend! First of all, thank you for your ask -- I love talking about my fictional faves, so there’s no need to apologize at all! There are definitely people out there who have already posted much more cohesive and succinct character analysis for JGY, but I’ve sat down for a bit to find an answer to the question of why I, personally, like him so much. I ended up finding six possible ways to answer this question, which I’ll list below and then go into (a lot) more detail under the cut. Hope you enjoy!

1) I like him because his motivations as a villain are complex and understandable

2) I like him because there’s no easy solution to his conflicts

3) I like him because he interacts with the story in a unique way

4) I like him because when we see him on top of his game, it’s fun to watch

5) I like him because LXC likes him

6) JGY is very small and has dimples

So, onward! (2.7k)

1) I like him because his motivations as a villain are complex and understandable

One possible way of looking at JGY is that throughout the entire story, his end goal is to eliminate all of the Jin family and come out on top as sect leader, chief cultivator and most powerful person in the cultivation world. However, I personally find it more intriguing to think that his specific plans shifted throughout the story and that he didn’t follow a long con the way NHS did, but that the common ground in everything he does is that he’s motivated by wanting security. Then, everything that he does afterwards is a step-by-step escalation when no matter what he does and how far he comes, his goal is always dangled right in front of him, but ultimately impossible to reach.

When he joins the Nie clan, on a superficial level it seems that this place could offer him the security he wants and needs, especially with NMJ protecting him -- but on the flip side of the coin, no one apart from NMJ and NHS seem to respect him, and his security entirely depends on NMJ’s goodwill. It’s an exteremely fragile position that could probably only ever last for a limited amount of time. Even if JGY never killed the guard captain and wasn’t thrown out of the Unclean Realm, how would the future have looked like for him? NMJ’s life expectancy was low to begin with, and once he had died (of natural causes, in this hypothetical case), NHS wouldn’t have been able to hold the same protective hand over JGY as his brother, and JGY would have become the disrespected advisor to the disrespected clan leader. (On a side note, I personally don’t think JGY released XY to get the yin iron -- I think it makes more sense that he wanted to use XY as bargaining chips against WC, seeing how he goes to free him immediately after WC asks for NMJ to release XY, to save the Unclean Realm and, in extension, his own ass.)

After JGY is thrown out, he’s basically out of options -- it’s go big or go home, because which other clan would take him in now? So he sets his sight on being recognized by JGS once more, and in order to succeed, he derives the plan of becoming a spy under WRH and do something so “heroical” that after the war, JGS has no other choice but to accept him into his clan. And at first, it seems like he succeeds and that he finally gets everything he wished for -- his father recognizes him as a son and gives him a position, he’s part of the Jin clan, he has power, he’s secure! But then it turns out that he was wishing on the monkey’s paw. His father doesn’t truly recognize him, and even in the Jin clan he’s disrespected (by JGS, by Madam Jin, by Jin Zixun), he doesn’t truly hold power (he just has to do whatever JGS tells him to), and he’s not secure (JGS instrumentalizes him because he’s useful to him right now, but does that mean he’ll be useful forever? So there’s a constant threat there).

I think the only reason JGS officially adopts JGY is that it allows him to claim the victory over WRH for the Jin clan and to expand his own power. Instead of JGY being recognized, JGS instrumentalizes him from the very first second and to make it worse, he makes JGY his attack dog the same way WRH did. I think the things JGY does under both WRH and JGS are absolutely horrifying, but I can’t help but also feel horrified for him. Under WRH, I think he tells himself that whatever he does is the lesser evil because it’ll end the war quicker, and that it’ll all be worth it in the end, and as a result, he loses parts of his own humanity there. And then under JGS, it’s the same fucked up shit again, except that this time, he also wants so very badly for JGS to value him, and in addition, he’s also completely out of options now. Without wanting to excuse the things he does under JGS, the only alternative at this point is for him to leave the Jin clan and the cultivation world as a whole, and I do think there’s a definite possibility that JGS would have him killed if he did because he knew too much about JGS’s plans.

Without passing judgment on his involvement in JZX and JZX’s deaths, as well as him killing NMJ and JGS for now (the latter being the one thing that I’m personally most horrified of), I don’t see JGY as a villain who enjoys being the villain the way XY does. I think he’s constantly horrified at himself and compartmentalizes to a degree where he’s actually derailing his own plans. Him throwing out XY immediately after killing JGS reads to me as him wanting to close the chapter of everything they did under JGS -- I think he must have acted out of a visceral emotion there or else he wouldn’t have left XY to die at the side of a road so carelessly (and, in effect, allowed for someone to live on with detailed knowledge of his own deeds). After rising to power (and finally, seemingly, really getting the security he’s always wanted), he doesn’t use that power to become WRH 3.0, but instead to do genuinely good things (such as building the watch towers). That’s not supposed to mean that him not being a cruel despot makes up for everything he’s done, but I find it interesting to think about from the perspective of, what kind of person could he have been if this opportunity had been given to him freely -- if his own class and social standing didn’t prevent him from that? I think he’d have become an incredibly powerful cultivator and clan leader if he’d have the same privilege as JZX.

In a way, I see JZX, WC, and JGY as narrative foils. WC shows us who JZX might have become if JGS treated him the same way as WRH treats WC. But, JGS doesn’t -- he shields his own son from this part of the Jin clan, and basically allows him to live in a completely different reality as JGY! JZX’s whole character arc is one of personality development, and becoming a hero, and falling in love -- he doesn’t have a clue about his father wanting to get his hands on XY and the Stygian tiger amulet and arguably about at least part of the war crimes he commits against the Wen clan. It’s not part of his life. In a way, JGY is the sacrifice being made to allow him to live his life unaware because in him, JGS found someone else to do his dirty work.

2) I like him because there’s no easy solution to his conflicts

Sometimes, when you want to be a villain apologist, all you need to do is point at one or a few bits of the story and say, “well if they hadn’t done that...”. (See, for example, Anakin Skywalker -- you wanna write a RotS canon divergence fixit? Just have Obi-Wan come back approximately one hour earlier and you have it, because before Anakin kills the Jedi even the Younglings he’s basically completely redeemable.) With JGY, you don’t get to have that. There’s no single turning point where you could say, “if he had picked the other option, he could have had a happy ending”. And part of the reason for that, which makes him a tragic character in my eyes, is that he crucially lacks options at many turning points.

In order to write a canon divergence AU for JGY where he comes out unscathed and redeemable, you’d have to go pretty far back in the story, and even then, you’d have to work hard to find a solution to his story that doesn’t a) rely on someone saving him (such as: LXC brings him to Cloud Recesses, or: JGS has a change of heart, frees his mother, and sends them a comfortable monthly pension), b) having him be dependent on someone else’s goodwill (such as: staying in the Unclean Realm in a delicate position).

If we don’t want to go back right to the very beginning or change fundamental parts of the story, well... As I’ve mused about above, if we let him stay in the Unclean Realm, he’d have never reached his goal of security either. If he never became a spy during the Sunshot Campaign, he wouldn’t have been accepted into the Jin clan and would have been out of options. If he never committed the atrocities for JGS, JGS would probably have kicked him out or killed him. (I do think there’s a lot of truth in what JGY tells NMJ in the empathy flashback, on that instance.) If he didn’t kill NMJ, there is a distinct possibility that NMJ would have killed him -- we see him try three times on screen, after all. (I’m leaving out the parts about him being directly responsible for JZX’s and JZX’s death in the show, as well as for controlling the corpses at Nighless City and JYL’s death, because it’s not in the book and I think it takes away from WWX’s character. As for QS’s and their son’s deaths...I personally do not see strong motivation for him to kill them, but in the end, we just don’t know which is, on a side note, a thing I really like about The Untamed/MDZS! Sometimes we just don’t know because the only people who know for sure can’t tell us anymore.) One option could be for him to confide to JZX, bring him over to his own side, and non-violently overthrow JGS, which would be a good and satisfying ending both to his and JZX’s character arcs -- but I also think there’s a high possibility JZX would hold JGY responsible for what he and JGS did, and never trust him with power again.

(Again, one thing I really do not wish to excuse away is how he killed JGS, and I just. Desperately wished he didn’t.)

I’ve been going over and over the possibilites for fix-its and canon divergence AUs, but in the end, I’ve arrived at the conclusion that the only real choice JGY has throughout the story is whether to remove himself from the narrative or stay in it. He could make the choice to give up his mother’s dream, reject his father, and leave cultivation world (and, on a meta level, the story!) to become a “nobody”. (Small side note, though -- living on which skills?) If he doesn’t -- well, as soon as he enters the game, the cards are stacked against him.

To pick up on the meta level comment, I do find it fascinating that in a sense, JGY not only has to struggle for respect and recognition within the story, but that what he does also serves to keep his character part of the story. He could choose to give up and leave (and thus come out of the story redeemable), but then he wouldn’t be part of the story anymore.

3) I like him because he interacts with the story in a unique way

Continuing with the last point, JGY interacts with the story in two unique ways that distinguish him basically from all the other characters. He’s not actually supposed to be part of the story, but that he basically claws his way in. But that also means that his class and social status cannot be removed from any of the conflicts he encounters in universe -- they’re at the heart of all of them. In the empathy flashback, he says to NMJ, “You always scold me for indecent scheming. You always say that you are just and straight [...] A decent man shouldn’t resort to devious stratagems. [...] You’re of noble birth and have profound cultivation. What about me? How can I be the same? First, I don’t have the foundation of cultivation. No one has ever taught me that since I was a child! Second, I don’t have any background. Do you think that my position is very solid in the Jin clan of Lanling?” What I find so intriguing about this scene is that he’s right when he says he’s different from the others both in text and on a meta level because most of the other characters are never faced with the same decisions and have a natural place within the story (apart, to some degree, WWX and XY, where also interesting parallels can be drawn). And the other characters are, in a way, self-righteous to judge him when almost none of them come out of the story without blood on their hands -- WWX’s revenge, JC torturing demonic cultivators after WWX’s death, and so on...The entire cultivation world (even NMJ! even LXC!) were complicit in the war crimes against the Wen. But when the cultivation world turns against JGY, they are the most appalled by the things I as a viewer would be the most lenient towards (murdering JGS), and don’t care at all about the thing that horrifies me the most (murdering the sex workers).

There’s an interesting post by @pumpkinpaix analysing how class dynamics work in the story, which I highly recommend! I don’t want to repeat what has been said there already in much better ways than I can, but among other things, it makes some really interesting points about how much JGY’s class is tied with his motivations.

4) I like him because when we see him on top of his game, it’s fun to watch

Aside from any analysis, part of the reason why I like him so much is that when he’s acting as a villain, he’s just so much fun to watch. When WWX breaks into his vault in paperman form and JGY has approximately 5 minutes to get rid of the head, the torture bench (?) and anything suspicious, contact and inform Su She, run to a different building and come back, and nonetheless he manages to convince everyone but WWX and LWJ that he’s the victim in this situation, it’s just. Peak entertainment? For a short time, he’s on top of the game, and then he’s backed into a corner and becomes sloppy, and finally loses it all due to sentimentality (if he didn’t want to take his mother’s body with him and say goodbye to LXC, I’m sure he could have fled the country). I think Zhu Zanjin did an amazing job as an actor to portray how JGY is constantly assessing everything, how 23638 emotions flicker over his face in half a second, how his whole body language shows the constant anxiety and pressure and stress and fear he’s under, and how we actually get to see in his microexpressions when JGY chooses a path and commits to the acting and emotional manipulation to follow it through.

5) I like him because LXC likes him

Here’s a secret: Actually, LXC is my favourite character. And LXC loves JGY a lot. So I’m kind of contractually obliged to at least love JGY a little bit as well?

On a more serious note, I’m very intrigued in their relationship because I do think what they had was genuine. I view it as two people being very open and honest and true with each other, while placing a lot of things outside the brackets and crossing them out. LXC even says that he was aware of some things JGY did (which ones? how? I need to know) but that he justified them to himself. I think they both realised that they could have had something very special, but under the given circumstances, LXC wouldn’t have been able to help JGY (see: point 2) even if he knew everything. Still, they were obviously very close and trusted each other as much as they could. I think in the end, when LXC seemed to have decided to stay and die with him, JGY pushed him away because he was the only genuinely good part of his life, and he felt like he couldn’t rightfully deprive the world of LXC. It’s all very tragic, and I’m very intrigued to explore what they could have been in a slightly softer world.

6) JGY is very small and has dimples

I can only speak for myself, but when I was watching, I was so prone at any point to believe in him no matter what was revealed. Look at him! Could this man do something wrong?

#buttercup-the-bard #ask #jin guangyao #the untamed #cql #meng yao #mdzs #my post #cql meta

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himbo-buckley · 4 years

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Sex, Intimacy and Buddie (better known as I have a lot of feelings about this show, some of which are related to the before mentioned topics) - Part 4

Ciao, ragazzi,

i bims, die Kriz and I will be your tourguide today. (Yes, we’re on first name basis now, congratulations, kid, ya’ll earned it!)

Okay, so I rewrote this intro like 5 times by now. 3B has been so hard on me in a way that the rest hasn’t been. While I was writing 3A I had so many thoughts and ideas and conclusions from the get go, my main worry was to fit it all in and to make it coherent. And it took me a while to get there with 3B - but don’t worry, my friends, I did not disappoint and it is just as long as part 3, despite Tim Minear personally coming to my home and vibe checking me for saying he had daddy issues. Which is fair, tbh. Sorry bro, I’ll stop calling you out like that. (No, I won’t.)

Also if you need a „quick“ refresher of what happened so far or you just forgot, here are:

part one - part two - part three

And also, the usual spiel:

This meta was supposed to be a lot shorter and only talk about how both Buck and Eddie use sex to distract their respective partners from whatever topic they actually wanted to talk about but since I decided to rewatch the show to make sure I don’t miss any such scenes, it has exploded a bit and taken on more topics

I should also mention that I am a Buddie shipper and while I tried, you will find several references and arguments for the ship in this Meta, not all of which necessarily call for a romantic pairing but just: These two are deeply connected and you cannot look at one without discussing the other and they are each other’s strongest emotional connection.

I should also preface this by saying that the whole of the 118 has some obvious intimacy / commitment issues except Bobby (which is sort of surprising) but *John Mulaney voice* we don’t have time to unpack all of that!

On another note I cuss a little in this Meta because my parents let me listen to TicTacToe as a small child and after that it never stuck that cussing is wrong so, uhm, parental supervision is advised or something

This Meta will so far have FIVE parts now. The original plan was to do three, one for each Season, and have it organised by episode so you could technically follow along (which is still true), but due to personal reasons, also known as *feelings*, Season 3 had exploded disproportionately and for readability reasons I have split it in three parts - there is part 3 which ends with the Christmas Episode, part 4 which spans what aired of 3B so far and the final part 5 which will include the final and my conclusion, if by then I am able to form thoughts again / still

Alright you guys, drumrolls please: part 4 (also called „*butterfly meme* Is this growth?“)

Episode 3.11:

I wanna be honest with ya’ll, Season 3B is sort of a mixed bag for me, because while yes, all the episodes have been great viewed separately, they just feel so … separate from each other, and with 3A having so many episode-spanning arks, it’s a bit of a letdown to return to the standalone episode format. Especially because it makes the whole two steps forward one step back thing so much more apparent as it feels like what happens in one episode has no consequence for the next. It felt a little like they burned through too much in 3A already and didn’t know where to go from there. Which is also true for me, so maybe I should stop judging.

Anyways, I’ll stop bringing the house down now.

Let’s continue with: Don’t you just love stan-ing two adorable, complicated badass firefighters? Yeah, me too.

Also, I wanna see the Doc again. Tim, can we? He could be friends with Frank? We could see them have tea and talk about those dumbasses at the firehouse? (And also legs, since, you know, Frank only has one?)

And also the bank guy, Harrison was fun. (This whole episode was.)

And I know it has nothing to do with Eddie or Buck or Intimacy or Sex (okay a little with those) but I do wanna point you to that damn meatball scene, because it’s so chaotic? First, why are all the ingredients laid out on the table but Maddie is making balls already only to then cover them in water? Look, I’m basically vegan (haha, how long do you think I’ve waited to shoehorn this in here) and haven’t cooked meat since I was … fourteen, probably? And even to me that just seemed wrong! Not to mention AFTER touching raw meat, Maddie only cleans her hands with a towel before opening the door? You used to be a nurse, Madeleine / Maddison! (Do we know her full name? I feel like we don’t.)

One thing I really love about 3B (so far) is how happy and settled my main man Edmundo Diaz is. It’s in the eyes, you guys! I don’t know if it’s a Ryan thing or a deliberate acting choice but whatever it is it translates well (haha, well, yeah, we’ll talk about that one later) into his character and it really makes you feel like Eddie is so much better. Like for all the analysis of Eddie I’ve been doing, I didn’t notice how much colder he grew since the beginning of Season 2 until this episode came and suckerpunched me with the warmth in his eyes. Good god, proceed with caution! Oliver could call me right now and say „Look, Buddie isn’t real, I just keep getting lost in Ryan’s eyes.“ and I wouldn’t even be mad, I’d just be like „How’d you get this number?“. (It was Tim, wasn’t it? Damn it, we talked about this, mate! I wanna meet his cat, not him!)

The episode doesn’t hold a lot of relevance in terms of this meta (aside from some parallels I’ll talk about in a moment) but I still want to discuss it a little bit because it means a lot to me. I just love Howard „Chimney“ Han with all my heart.

I wanna say something controversial now because we’re 500 words in and I feel like I haven’t made you regret reading my rambling yet, so here is controversial thought of the day #1: All these fucking characters are grey as fuck except Howie. Howie is good to the bone. He is the goodest boy. He is so gentle and sweet and non malicious and yes, I am including Evan in my list of grey characters because he pulled some SHIT! Okay, a little bit of shit. Things have been *implied*! (I don’t even know anymore. Maybe he’s just off-white or something.)

And what’s the worst my best friend Howard „Chimney“ Han has done on this show? Lied to his girlfriend a buncha times so she likes him better? I lie all the time. I just lied to my mother 5 minutes ago (Yes, Mom, I’m working on my thesis.)! And Howie just lied to make someone like him better. That’s not bad, that’s horrible self esteem!

Which brings me to another thing I wanna say because thank you, Jennifer Love Hewitt. If anyone from the cast gets to call me, it’s you, because you clearly had your thinking pants on when you took one look at Chimney and said: I want that one! You a real one and I will name check you on my way to heaven - not, that they’ll let me in, but the thought counts?

Now, lets talk about those parallels I mentioned before:

The Hans vs. the Buckleys.

Now, we still don’t know a lot about Mr. and Mrs. Buckley and what exactly made them bad parents (though I’m firmly team a little neglectful but not abusive) but we know a lot about Mr. Han.

One thing of the bat I wanna mention is that this episode confirms that Maddie at least had a hand in raising Buck - which doesn’t actually have to mean too much, because based on JLHs age, her relationship with Dough and the way their sibling relationship is played it’s safe to assume that Maddie is supposed to be between 5-10 years older than Buck (assuming she started nursing school after High School at around 18 / 19, which I think takes 4 years in the US? And she was an ER nurse for 8 years, making her AT LEAST 30 in Season 2, but considering how she emphasised that Buck noticed something was wrong with Dough even as a teenager and she met Dough at 19, I’m gonna assume Buck was younger then 16 because Dough won’t have shown his abusive tendencies right of the bat, so probably about 12 / 13, making Maddie like 6 years older than him? And since we DO have a definite age for Evan, Maddie is probably around 33 in Season 2 (which also works because they wanted to put her and Eddie in a relationship and Ryan Guzman is in his early 30 as well). And look, as the youngest child of two people I would call more than adequate parents I can tell you: older siblings always have a hand in raising you, especially when the age difference exceeds 4 years. One of my sisters is 5 years older than me and I was more scared of telling her about having a bad grade than I was of my parents, so…

Anyways, back to what is actually happening in the episode and how it both parallels and contrasts the Buckleys and Hans.

Like Maddie and Howie are the older siblings and Buck and Albert are the younger siblings, yet Buck and Howie are paralleled as are Maddie and Albert. Also, Howie resents his brother for the relationship he assumes Albert has with their father, but Maddie recognises that Buck probably had similar experiences growing up as she did. Of course one could argue that Howie and Albert never had a relationship before while Buck and Maddie grew up together, but look, Maddie was in an abusive relationship for quite a while and hadn’t been in contact with her brother for 3 years prior to Season 2 but it’s safe to assume they didn’t have too close of a relationship before that either, or the Buck we know would have gone to Maddie to investigate and find out why she dipped. So…

(Despite all of this, Maddie knew she could come to her brother for help in Season 2 meaning one, our boy is such a good boy always and the Buckleys can’t be all bad if Maddie knows she can count on her brother, meaning she didn’t think her parents screwed him up too much in the time since she moved out and gradually left his life. Just another thought.)

I also love how her firm believe in the strength and meaning of familial relationships triggers a shift in Howie. Please keep this in mind for when we discuss 3.16 in a few minutes, friends.

Also that kitchen scene has all my heart. They really said kitchens are a Buddie thing now, didn’t they? (Also from a non shipper perspective, Maddie and Buck are just the sweetest and for a TV show actually fairly realistic siblings. At least if I compare them to my siblings and I.)

Also in terms of the actually topic of my meta’s: this is our first indicator that Eddie considers the 118 his family. And we have another moment of Chimney seeking reassurance / being open with Eddie. I love that they have a friendship like that. (He was so excited about meeting Chimneys brother as well. A little bit puppy and like another reason why Evan and him are friends. (As if we need more)) Also love that Eddie is secure enough to voice these feelings!

(Eddie really does seem so healed in this episode? So open? And happy? Damn, Frank, you know your shit! My man had some growth.)

Now, for some sidenotes to round off this episode, because I have some and I wanna share them:

On the Buckley parents, I think the episode wants to imply that they had plans for Buck? Maybe career wise? Because in the pool scene he says something along the lines of: „Sometimes you have to put / get a little distance“ and since it’s been implied that Buck is also from Pennsylvania or somewhere close by, we can assume that he was talking about himself here. Like he moved all the way across the continent.

I’m also just gonna throw out a prediction for Season 4: since Nia is only a foster child and like 2 years old, it’s safe to assume that she has been only recently taken in. While I do not know the US-Foster system, I do have some knowledge about the German system, so I’ll just predict that either one or both of the birth parents try to get their child back.

Or they just sort of forget about all of this by Season 4.

And I really really really dislike the cancer storyline and how the show is handling it, at least in this episode, specifically in regards to May, who in my opinion, has been both written and treated by the show as someone younger than 18 here, only for the show to then turn around and go all: wow, such an adult, look how wise she is. So awesome. Like nah, son! 3A has shown that she is much maturer than she was treated in this episode.

And Eddie finally got to say „seen this before“ again. I feel like he says that a lot. Should I start a counter for that too or do ya’ll just wanna think about him naked for a bit? (I know, you guys, I know! Should I befriend someone who can make me a bunch of gifs of shirtless Eddie I can pepper in every time we get to heavy around here?)

Episode 3.12:

Ah, yes, „Fools“! The one episode I have to say I can not look at without wearing my shipper goggles. So be warned.

Which is why I’m gonna start with the elephant in the room: Ana Flores.

Now, I’ve seen (and maybe liked / reblogged / queued / drafted (Idk anymore, I’m up to 600 posts in my drafts, 300 in my queue and like 300 liked / reblogged already)) an interview with Ryan Guzman where he talks about Ana and how he isn’t sure yet wether they are heading for romance and how it needs someone incredibly badass to get through Eddie’s defences, because Eddie is barely over his wife’s death and yeah, that! Look, if you’re here, I’m gonna assume you have read the other three parts of this „meta“ and therefore know that I am a proud member of the Shannon Diaz - defense squad and will fight anyone who says a bad word about her. And you will also know that I attribute most of the stupid things Eddie did in 3A to the fact that Shannon died. So there. All caught up.

Now, as for Ana Flores herself (and I’m writing this after 3.16, so who knows what happens next): She might be in Season 4 (I think the interview said something about it or she tweeted something) but I don’t think it has been confirmed yet? So considering what Ryan said they probably won’t end up in a relationship by the end of Season 3 (again, please remember when I am writing this).

I’m not gonna comment on the actress aside from saying, damn, I wish that were me! Other than that? I don’t really care about actors unless I think they are hot and then it’s more of a: uiiii, me like-y. (Madeleine Patch, call me!)

As for the actual scenes, well, I have mixed feelings.

On the one hand side, as I’ve said before, I work with children and the idea of dating the father of one of my babies is just plain wrong to me. So there is that. Morally speaking that storyline would be trash. (And very OOC for Mr. „My son needs to be protected above all“)

Then of course there is what’s actually happening between them which, one, from the get go she seems to not reciprocate Eddie’s advances (he keeps telling her to call him Eddie, she keeps calling him Mr. Diaz). Also that whole speech about horses? Yeah, I know you’re an english teacher but ähm, what? (Put it on the list, Tim, I need answers!)

To sum it up (and explain why I brought up Shannon aside from how much I like her), I don’t think it’s headed for a romance quite yet? They may be playing the slowburn game, but I think it was more like Ali in Season 2. Because as @greyhello pointed out to me in Part 2, Ali might have been there to show us that Buck was ready for a commited relationship and it had never been Abby that made him like that, just as Ana is here to tell us: hey, Eddie is finally accepting his wife’s death and maybe, possibly, some time in the near future, ready to date again. Probably. We’ll see.

Aside from that, I actually think a little crush could be something healthy and healing for Mr. control issues. But, again, we’ll see.

So, elephant addressed. Now let’s move on.

Sidenote: I feel like the parent-teacher conference made Eddie really regret so many of his life decisions. Someone needs to tell Buck so he can make a million puns from here on out and drive Eddie crazy.

(Sidenote: Carla said „big blue eyes“! You know who has big blue eyes? Ah, now I’m just clowning.)

Now this episode returns to the Season 2 formula of giving Eddie and Buck similar storylines:

Because while Eddie meets someone he could potentially be interested it, Buck is also made aware of his single status and the fact that he hasn’t dated in a while.

I do think Buck’s stance in this episode was both curious and familiar. Familiar because it reminded me a lot of Eddie in 2.04 and I think, just like Eddie did before Shannon came back, right then Buck is closing himself off from making connections, be they physical or emotional, because he got hurt too much.

Which is why I call it curious. Because I can not decide wether I consider his behaviour growth or a step back. In Eddie it would definitely be a step back, but in Buck who had been so willing to take any chance for physical intimacy just for the sake of a connection in Season 1 to now at least seem somewhat settled in himself and comfortable with what he has does feel a little like growth? (Then again 3.16 shows us he is just scared of getting hurt again, so probably just covering up is depression.)

Also, again with the kitchen! That puts us at five (?) scenes of Buddie talking about each other or with each other in a kitchen setting (six, if you count 3.03). Now I’m probably clowning myself real hard right now, but whatever!

But I do wanna point out how comfortable Eddie and Buck are discussing Eddie’s parenting struggles, which just shows how much he trusts him.

Now I know, I myself have made a textpost about Eddie discussing his parenting struggles with literally anyone, but ya’ll know I was kidding, right? It isn’t actually true. In canon he talks with exactly 5 people about Christopher:

They are Christopher’s therapist in „Triggers“, Carla, Hen, Lena … and Buck.

Now, here comes something interesting: For Carla and therapist, it is literally their job to help Eddie with his parenting struggles, but all the other scenes? Connected to Buck. Yeah. That.

Look, the Hen scene in the Christmas episode literally involves Buck and as I’ve said both Eddie’s and Buck’s reaction here heavily implied that Eddie has had a conversation with Buck about his fight with Chris before telling Hen all about it.

As for Lena, again, she is *literally* there as a substitute for Buck. She uses his locker. Her name is taped over his - and that is actually such a nice visual, that I wanna talk about it real quick, because I’ve seen it called disrespectful a few times and I don’t agree.

One, the fact that they left the „B“: funny af, someone from set dressing is probably laughing themselves silly about this and is allowed to call me now; also a constant reminder who’s locker and place she is actually occupying. Also how she can never really fully replace him, she can’t cover the hole he left fully, he is always there, lurking.

Two, the fact that it is tape: tape is slightly see through. It is temporary and easily removed. Tape is just a quick, momentary fix. Tape can be taken off / away without effort.

So to sum it up: There’s no one he trusts more with his son.

Which is also why Buck is there at the end: because Buck is who Eddie trusts. Buck is who Eddie goes to when he’s struggling as a father. Buck is who Eddie wants by his side cheering Chris on. I mean, they are literally pushing him together while Carla films (stands on the sidelines, ready to help as needed, but not fully a part of their family unit).

So, to go back to the elephant in the room? Right now I’m not at all worried about Ana Flores.

On another note it’s also one of the last real Buddie scenes we got in 3B so far and while I do understand that there just wasn’t any storyline for them to do such a scene organically, I am very worried about what it could mean. Because I still remember when Teen Wolf stopped putting Tyler H and Dylan in scenes together because people kept screaming queerbaiting.

I don’t want that to happen here. I love Buddie and what it could represent but I’ve also written too much about their respective characters AND their connection by now to disregard how meaningful they ALREADY are and how important even as a platonic pairing they are. Because they make each other so much better and proof that straight man can have deep connection with each other and how two flawed people can help each other heal in a way that I don’t think any other relationship in this show shows.

Back to the episode, though. The ark between Christopher and Eddie here is truly beautiful and I love the way we see Eddie growing as a parent. And I think the show wrote those scenes so well and they felt truly natural and were incredibly important, both for Eddie and Christopher.

I do think, as much as I love Christopher always being Eddie’s number one priority, no matter who Eddie ends up dating (yes, even if he dates Buck) we need to see a bit of a shift here. (Also, just in general, because Christopher will grow up, even if he’ll never be as independent as a fully abled bodied child might someday be.)

Eddie needs to learn to let go of control and of Christopher a bit. Look, a partner will never come before Christopher for Eddie (unless Chris is like in his 40s and has moved out and is living his own life. And even then it’ll be close.) but in order for anyone to ever fit into his life he needs to make a little space at the top and that includes taking away a bit from Christopher.

(Also just selfcare reasons, you guys, parents need to learn that it’s okay to sometimes think about themselves! And we already saw Eddie break once cause it became too much, how easy do you think that can happen again?)

Sidenote: We all know Buck built that, right? He’s been shown again and again to have some mechanical / maschinary (?) understanding plus fairly interesting problem solving skills.

Episode 3.13:

I love the locker room scene. Firstly, it’s a definite reminder that these three have bonded a lot and it’s such a sweet familial scene.

Also Eddie’s advice: yet another hint that he’s healing from Shannon’s death.

Compare it 3.08 and the conversation Bobby had with Eddie. There are no definite callbacks or anything like it, but it is very very very obvious that Eddie is talking about his dead wife here. Who he told he loves her in her last moments. So there.

Now, as for the healing part, could you imagine 3A!Eddie saying something like that to anyone?

Even in 3.03 or 3.06 with Buck, the person he lets himself be the most vulnerable with, there are still always terms and conditions with his words.

He trust no one more with his son, which, okay, is what the scene was about and what has the highest priority in his life but still, his trust isn’t bound to himself, it’s bound to his son, not to himself, not something he has in general for Buck, but something he has for Buck in regards to his son - that Eddie trusts Buck with himself is only ever implied.

He forgives him - „also what it means to be a part of a team“. Eddie sort of impersonalises his forgiveness here, he doesn’t forgive him because he’s Buck and he’s Eddie, he forgives him because they are part of the same team.

With Eddie there is always a wall.

But here in the locker room there isn’t. It’s just: if you love her, tell her, cause you might not get another chance - Eddie certainly doesn’t have another chance to tell Shannon.

And okay, you might say, isn’t that kind of a condition as well? Saying ‚I love you‘ because tomorrow isn’t promised? And sure, it kind of is. But Eddie’s also basically saying: once upon a time I told my wife, who art now in heaven, that I loved her as she was dying and then I got real mad at her and the world after because she left me and she was planning to leave me anyways and now I’m here and I’m over that and I’m just glad I got to tell her ‚I love her‘ one last time. I’m no longer angry.

Growth, you guys.

Episode 3.14:

I feel like the writers read some of ya’ll’s Buddie fanfiction, realised how it mischaracterised the relationship between Buck and Chimney gets and said: not on my watch!

In other words: If Eddie and Buck are different sides of the same coin, Buck and Chimney are the same sides of different coins. They share so many traits and experiences!

Now, this episode. Man, you guys, it really has me stumped. Part of me thinks it doesn’t have relevance and part of me keeps going back because it thinks it does?

Oh man, you guys, I’m lost. I don’t know.

All right, executive decision: no relevance, just another drop on the breakdown-stone that is 3.16.

Someone please tell my man’s boy they need him!

Episode 3.15:

Fun fact to start ya’ll off: this was only the second episode I watched somewhat live being a little new to town and the first I saw without spoiling myself on tumblr. So it has a special place in my heart any way you look at it.

(But then again this episode also involves several of my nightmares: drowning! being below earth! Being in small enclosed spaces! Being buried alive! Huge amounts of mud that will not leave your clothes and fingernails for the next six hundred years!)

Also, uhm, did I say „Fools“ was the *one* episode I could not look at without shipper goggles? So I’m contradicting myself. It happens. Move on. (Yeah, or repress it and join a fight club! Also name check me with your therapist, please! We may have breakdowns but we do them healthy around here!)

Because these fuckers went off! Whew! I’m serious, after watching the episode I sent a clip of that scene to my roommate and asked to rate how platonic this was. Which she did not. Because she doesn’t know math, apparently. - My point is, she sees it and she doesn’t know the show.

In other news this episode convinced me Oliver is pulling an Andrew Robinson (and yes, I know he said it was in the script but then Andy also followed the script, so…).

Sidenote: Eddie is the oldest, right? Damn, for some reason I thought he was the middle child. He has big middle child energy.

(Also why they namedrop Galveston like that? I googled it an it’s just a town? Why, Tim, why?) (At this point he is just torturing me, I know it. This feels personal.)

Anyways, this episode, you guys! I have thoughts! (And they are very hard to put in order so please excuse any jumping around at this point.)

The birthscene is great and can we just for a moment think about 25 year old Eddie hugging his mother in law so very lovingly? He’s so happy here. So soft. (Also I’m about to turn 25? I would not be able to deal with being married right now either?)

And yes, this episode confirms that Eddie has killed people, and while I know it was selfdefense, I just, it’s very weird to me because these characters have become so real to me, so to see one of them kill without a care is kinda off-putting. (This is why I will always consider Eddie grey and why I can never consider Buck white - because he had been planning on joining the Seals meaning he had to consider the possibility of killing and has probably learned to kill (Do you think that’s why he’s so non aggressive? because he knows he could take everyone down?))

I’m just gonna come out and say it: anyone who says Eddie isn’t impulsive has not watched this show. In fact I’d even say he is more impulsive than Buck.

Yes, Buck will do weird and dumb shit on a whim because the thought just crossed his mind and it sounds good and he doesn’t think about the consequences, but just does it. (I could make a case that our boy has ADHD but this is not what this meta is about)

But Eddie? Eddie is impulsive in his reactions. Everytime he is in distress (emotional not physical) he stops thinking about consequences and just starts reacting. Especially if it’s about a child!

Shannon is pregnant - lets sign up for the army.

Our child has a developmental disorder - lets stay in the army.

My parents want to take away my child - lets move halfway across the country.

(Not allowed to talk to your best friend? - lets go streetfighting.)

Eddie probably thinks these things through to a point and he mostly has a plan, but he is so reactionary. He is like a raw nerve and that’s what makes him impulsive.

It’s why, instead of letting them pull him out enough until he can radio, Eddie cuts the fucking line. Because this is a child, this could be Christopher and Eddie needs to be enough to save him.

(Are you crying yet?)

I’m not gonna talk about Afghanistan except to say: ah, Eddie. My man, you are enough! Always!

(But maybe that was his guilt over killing talking? Maybe he does feel bad?)

Also why did the woman emphasis ‚Staff Sergeant‘ like that? Was that an indicator that Eddie got promoted?

Also Eddie the fucking boy scout / alter boy / goody goody two shoes trying to get up because of a superior office despite lying in a hospital bed (and not even having been cleaned from his blood yet, urgh that’s gotta itch!)

Sidenote: in light of 3.16: do you think Eddie still talks to Mills, Binder, Norwahl and what all their names are or do you think that would be too hard for him? I’m leaning toward not talking but I really liked Mills (she reminded me of Buck and Lena, tbh.)

And now, for our regular scheduled program: Shannon and Eddie.

First of all I loved all of it. I loved that we could really understand why Shannon left. I love how much they clashed but still had those little moments of recognition.

And look: The juice box scene was very rough. Eddie is likely currently suffering from PTSD, definitely having a culture shock and here is his wife who is barely holding on as well and she just wants to leave, she can’t deal anymore and both of them are so desperate and wow, just wow. Kudos Ryan and kudos Devin Kelley, I’m sad we won’t see you again, but I do hope I’ll see you somewhere else one of these days!

I’ve talked about their relationship a lot already, so I’m not sure if I have any fresh takes but I will remind you of a few you already know:

Eddie is not in love with Shannon after Afghanistan (haven’t decided yet if he was in love with her in the birth scene)

Shannon *needed* Eddie to open up to her just as much as she needed to be open with her

Eddie was not able to be emotionally intimate with his wife

they cared about each other very very much and I do think they tried

they are family (remember what I said in part 2 about Eddie talking to the 118 about Shannon? This here proof that he definitely defended her actions at some point to them as well)

Shannon was in an impossible situation with her mother and a special needs child and likely burned out and just … she needed someone to have her back, which Eddie couldn’t because he himself was suffering from PTSD at that point

I’m still mad as fuck, they killed her off! If they give Eddie any other endgame romance that isn’t Buddie without like two seasons buildup after killing off HIS WIFE I will riot!

Which brings me to Eddie and his parents which was rough, you guys!

Look, as someone who worked with children I can see where his parents are coming from in that scene but also wow, just wow.

How cold and insensitive and fuck, no wonder someone is repressed as shit, that was horrifying and I really can’t talk about this more than to say this hurts and also explains too much about Eddie. (Can we have the locker room three bonding about having horrible parents in Season 4, please, Tim? And can Buck come too? We could do it at the loft?)

As for his conversation with Christopher, obviously it was cute as fuck and also I love how he began the conversation talking to his child like every adult male I have ever met talking to a kid about something he knows will go over it’s head („It’s like we’re talking about completely different people.“). (Okay, maybe not just adult males. Maybe we all talk like that around children sometimes. I know I do.)

I really liked how they reinforced once again that Eddie wasn’t a natural at being a dad (compare how he holds his son to season 1 Buck who most definitely knows how to handle a child (And now I’m wondering if him being good at it was always planned or a „Oliver did a great job the first time we had him interact with a child so we decided to make it a trait“-thing. Damn you, Tim, for making me think so much!)) but became good at it because he was willing to learn and he cared! Dads of the world (also Moms, we aren’t all super duper either) take note!

That being said the conversation also left a bit of a bitter taste in my mouth because, one, it felt a little petulant of Eddie to turn around and leave for LA, the way it was presented here and two, Christopher at that point didn’t understand yet what Eddie was actually asking him about and it felt a bit like manipulation. Please everyone, do not consider a conversation like that consent from a child. Any adult can get a child that age to say anything they want because children just want to be liked (It’s why when children are involved in criminal proceedings it’s so hard to interview them because children follow every suggestion because they think this is what the adults want them to say.).

Now, let’s talk about puppy!boy for a second!

In 1.05 Buck tells Abby: „no one is good when it’s personal“ - well guess what buddy boys, this one is very personal for one Evan ‚Buck’ Buckley, thank you very much, that boy is losing it.

Okay, let’s compare it to the episode before and then two episodes later:

Now, obviously the situation with Maddie was a little different. Mainly because this was a hostage situation and he realised (because Seal training, remember?) that there wasn’t a lot he could do to help her right then but then again … neither was there in Season 2 when Maddie was in danger and he still acted far more frantic in the car with Athena than he did here? Like the only stupid thing he did was drive a little dangerously this time?

And of course, two episodes later we see Bobby react when Athena is in danger and while we don’t see him be frantic we do see him get ready to kill someone, so, yeah!  It could of course be inconsistent writing or deliberate to keep the attention and worry more on the people in the call centre but since they haven’t pulled anything like that before I’m leaning more into my clowning.

I mean, we also have to consider that Buck was Eddie’s lifeline here, he was supposed to be the one to get him out, so he feels extra responsible but then again we have Hen make this comment about having two cut lines, which of course says that Hen thinks that one: whatever reason Eddie had to cut his line will definitely be considered a just as valid reason by Buck to cut his line but also: BUCK WOULD DECIDE TO DIE DOWN THERE WITH EDDIE. Sorry for the yelling, but no, I do not think Buck acted out of character in 3.14.

(Which is very irresponsible, you guys. You are fathers! What happens to Christopher when ya’ll die in a well somewhere in fictional California? I can not live in fictional California! I will not be taking care of your child, Buddie! Figure it out yourself! No. We are done here! This conversation is over!)

(Okay, not quite, because I actually don’t think that would be realistic! More realistic: Buck giving Eddie his harness so he can get pulled out first and then dying down there alone.)

Like I’ve said in the at the beginning: Oliver might be pulling an Andrew Robinson. It might have just been the way they thought Buck would act if he lost Eddie while being responsible. It might have been fever making him delirious (which, btw, kudos! Because you can hear how sore his throat was and omg, that shirt hurt!)

Never mind I found the heavy focus on Buck in an episode about Eddie fairly curious - which is why now it’s video-talk time!

First: I will not bear Shannon slander around here! Yes, she was in way less scenes than Buck, but the actress also was never a main character, so ya’ll need to remember there are like 2 scenes of them as a family. And they probably didn’t have the time, money and energy to film some just for a montage - especially considering that the three of them have hardly been a family together, because first Eddie was gone and then Shannon, so…

But yes, we do have to admit that Buck was in most scenes, and yes, we do have to consider the implications of this which are: Buck is definitely a vital member of the Diaz family and when Eddie says: I’m always gonna come home to my family, this now includes Buck and I hope we see him tell him that at one point in the final cause I need him to!

And then of course there is also the radio scene in the beginning (which lead to one of my proudest tumblr-moments to date in form of this post!) which did ease us into the concept of Bucky-boy being a member of the Diaz family! So it is canon now?!

One thing I wanna point out about the school scene in the end in regards to this is that little boy’s question. Sure they used it as transition to calling Christopher his good luck charm but, uhm, why did they have Buck ask about it in the beginning then? Why have this sort of unnecessary callback to the beginning of the episode unless they want us to remember Buck?

Something to ponder for the next week, I think.

Also the episode sort of reinforced my believe that we don’t really have to worry about Ana Flores. Sure, this scene was also a chance for Eddie to redeem himself in front of a teacher he screamed at just a few weeks prior but the only interaction they had was her asking that question at the end and Eddie hardly looked at her.

(Also, if they really wanted to reinforce Eddie being interested in her, they could have had Carla make a dig about it in the beginning, even with Christopher there, but they didn’t, which to me confirms that they don’t really know what to do with her yet.)

At least Ryan was finally taking his shirt off again, I know that’s like catnip for ya’ll.

Episode 3.16:

One thing that really confuses me is how many people seem to think this episode points out only how important romantic relationship are and I don’t see that?

I mean, I see that it’s one of the points that is being made but I don’t think it’s the only possible reading of this episode.

To me it was about connection and family more than anything.

It begins actually with Eddie (the person most connected to Buck) being the first person to decline Buck’s invite, not in favour of spending time with a romantic partner, but because he has a prior commitment with his son! (And several other people, including, but not limited to, at least 2 other nine year olds. For Eddies sake I hope less than 5 or that Carla is around because he is a single father and children unionise by nature.)

And it continues with Buck by forming a connection to Red and then bonding with Maddie.

And can I just say, before we delve more into all of this, how proud I am of Evan „Buck“ Buckley after this episode? Just look at him!

This is Buck at his lowest, lower even than during the lawsuit, because back then he had something to fight against, which he doesn’t have here. Because he can’t stop other people from leaving him (that is the whole point of the episode after all) and what does he do? Instead of going full on Buck 1.0 and just finding the nearest interested person to form a meaningless physical connection with to substitute for the lacking emotional intimacy he craves so much, he goes to a bar alone and befriends an old man. And spends the rest of the episode bonding with him. And bonding with his sister. And addressing his issues, both with his sister and his family. That is huge!

(Which is why I’ve decided him not wanting to date? Symptom of his deeper issues, yes, but also a sign of growth.)

And I’ve seen some people on my dash talk about how, compared to most other 911 episodes, this episode has a fairly bleak ending, which one I agree with, two think is actually a theme with Buck centric episodes, but three don’t actually mind / think is a bad thing? It’s fairly realistic after all.

To get personal one second: I remember being a very idealistic 20-year old intern working in the foster system five years ago and my mentor, who was less than 10 years older than me but fairly badass teaching me something that technically is a well known proverb but that I, a idealistic 20-year old, had not actually understood until I worked there and saw it myself: manchmal muss man den Karren an die Wand fahren - translation: sometimes you have to let the trolley drive into the wall, which means sometimes you have to let things play out till it’s natural end before you can help. Or to use an english proverb: Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom.

And this is what I’m thinking - no, hoping - is happening here. Because, look, you don’t just solve like 20 or more years of abandonment issues in one episode and considering what a big part of Buck’s character from the moment we met him they have been, that would have been unsatisfying to watch anyways! What we need right now, in terms of Buck’s storyline is catharsis. A cleansing. Buck needs to get to his worst (which I think he did or he will, once he talks to Abby) before he can begin to get better, can begin to heal, can begin to learn that he is not alone. And that is not a bad thing!

And yes, I know our boy is suffering and we along with him because we all love Evan Buckley to death but sometimes you gotta let things break so you can fix them instead of just putting tapes over the holes you see (haha, see what I did there?).

As for the episode, here we go:

I wanna start with something else real quick which is Hen’s subplot which I found important. Because they addressed that hey, she went through a trauma not to long ago as well and maybe she is not as okay with it as we thought?

Also it shows Bobby’s double standard again, but then I think he would have reacted differently if the guy had died and it was evident Hen realised she should never pull a stunt like that again. And maybe I’m giving Bobby a bit to much credit right now. Urgh.

I do wanna say, while Chimney seemed fine at the end with what went down we did see his reaction in the next episode and honestly he is mad, it’s just that Hen is his best friend and Chimney lives on the principle of forgive and forget so there.

Now I do really like the rope rescue scene because it was badass and also because Eddie seems so done in the beginning and Bobby just looks at him like: well, he’s not doing it alone and he’s probably not gonna cut his rope!

(Also notice how Eddie cut his rope willingly but Buck’s was cut for him? What does that mean? - For reals, I may see the connection but I can’t yet make out the meaning.)

But I did appreciate Hen’s comments about them being their best guys a lot! I kind of want an episode like they used to do on Star Trek were they focus on background characters and give us the way everyone probably sees Buddie as some kind of superhuman supermen who pull the craziest stunts and somehow make it! And now, let’s get into Evan!

First of, I now Cindy was meant as a parallel to Abby but I also think to Ali because Abby didn’t leave because she couldn’t handle the fear but Ali did. So there, a sort of Ali Martin mention! Thanks for listening, Tim.

But of course with everything else Cindy is quite the parallel to Abby from the way she just left and Red never really got closure, just like Buck.

What is interesting though is that Red, different to Buck, doesn’t want closure. He wants to remember the good times and imagine what could have been. (This could of course be due to the fact that his life is about to end.)

Buck on the other hand side really craves closure, and look, I know when we first learned she is definitely coming back I was really unhappy about that, but since then we learned they run into each other which makes it fine to me. Because I thought we’d have another instance of Buck running after Abby for validation and I did not want that. But he’s not actually running after her, it’s just a coincidence so I’m happy for him getting a chance to have closure, finally.

And this is were I think the episode proofs that it’s not about romantic love as the only way to be fulfilled, first because after talking about Abby Buck asks „Do you think I’m lonely?“ which is not about romance at all (had they wanted to make it about love it would have been: „Do you think I’ll find love again?“ or something). Also the conclusion of this episode is Maddie telling Buck he is different to Red because he has her (and in general those scenes between them, yes, they were also about Abby because she was another person Buck has been left by but just like they mention a best friend in terms of people Maddie left behind it is not about the romantic aspect, it is about people he loves in general), because he has a sister and she won’t leave him again - so there, familial love! The pinky swear! The importance of family. (see 3.11)

Also had it really been about love you know what would have happened since then? We’d have seen Buck calling Abby! Maddie would have said something about Buck still being young and having time to meet someone! Instead Abby and Buck run into each other by accident and Maddie makes a pinky swear to never leave again, so yeah, I just think sometimes we need to wait for how stuff plays out before we judge.

Now of course I wanna mention the pool scene as well.

Firstly, I know we already traced a lot of what Buck says at the end back to Eddie and the grocery store but did ya’ll here Chimney say: „Seems like your making this about yourself“ and Bobby implying the same thing, so yeah, I wonder if it was them quoting Eddie or if this is what everyone is supposed to be thinking or if it was just a setup for the breakdown at the end.

Also let’s talk about Eddie real quick here, because I found it really weird that they didn’t reference his platoon from Afghanistan here? Like they could have easily have him say „I’m not in the army anymore but I still talk to my old platoon.“, especially since we MET them one episode before. So either they didn’t think of that, they wanted to reinforce the fear Buck has or Eddie may just be as lonely as Buck?

(Guess which way I’m leaning?)

(Look, children are great but they are no substitute for friends and adult conversation, just saying!)

But I love how hard Mr. Stoic and emotionally unavailable tries to reassure Buck, tries to be there for him. And also did ya’ll notice how, once Eddie speaks for the first time Buck’s focus never strays from him. Hen and Chimney and Bobby talk as well but it seems as if Buck never looked away from Eddie. (Which, definitely get that, he looked good here.) Also how Buck stresses the “That better not happen to us“ - man, what conversation could he be referencing? Man, I wish I had memorised this show by now so I could tell you about two scenes that happened in 3A between Buddie where the topic of us was emphasised a lot but alas I don’t and I can’t.

What the pool scene also proofs once more is that the 118 just like an actual family has a lot of communication issues because Hen and Chimney not being in contact with Tommy or so is a completely different situation but because of their bad communication they don’t realise that this is something they need to explain to Buck because they think this is about Red.

Bobby doesn’t get it either tbh.

But we all know who does, look, I said it about 3.03 and I’ll say it now: Eddie knows Buck. Eddie understands Buck. And Eddie is on the path of realising that Buck needs him to say the actual words and not just let his actions speak! And my my if all of this pays off I will be one happy camper! (Hums Rihanna “We found love in a hopeless place”)

On a sidenote I hate that Red pegged Buck as a hothead because he really really isn’t! He’s just excitable and sometimes struggles with expressing himself and that frustrates him!

Also I never noticed the apartment had an outside area? did we know this? There is a grill?

Also really would love to see Gigi / Dana Strattford again, I liked her, she’s pretty! (But not like to date one of my guys, Tim, kay?)

(Also whats Officer Williams up to these days? Asking for … a friend?)

And to round this episode up: Oliver still looked so sick at times and they put a lot more makeup on him than they normally do? Usually you can see the slight scaring on his face but this episode you couldn’t but you could see the tears / snot mixing with all the makeup when he was crying and honestly, not his best look! (He still makes it work, though! Just saying, I miss 1.02 / 3.02 / 3.03 Buck, I know these episodes hurt but visually they are peak!)

Episode 3.17:

Was that episode amazing? Yes.

Am I still cackling about Oliver Stark having too much leg? Yes.

Did I love the Frank mention with all my heart? Yes.

Was Michael’s meet cute in an elevator less gay than any Buddie scene we got so far specifically any in 2.01 also known as their meet-ugly? That was a rhetorical question, you guys.

As for that comment I wouldn’t put too much stock into it. I mean, if you’re a single guy and you get invited out to fifth wheel at a double date with your sister and her boyfriend and his best friend and her wife, no matter how close you are, you will feel awkward so of course you invite the other single guy who happens to be your best friend who happens to be part of the friendgroup AND the team you’re working with making this a definite team/family/work - outing.

That being said: it took me 23h to come up with a reasonable explanation for this comment and I did scream at my laptop and pause the episode after it was made and I have been thinking “Buddie” confirmed about 100 times since then!

Also, they just spent a shit ton of time together, right? Like, if Buck’s there than so is Eddie and if Eddie is there than so is Buck and I’m clowning and not calm anymore!

Maybe “Buck invites Eddie” can be our always?

In other news this episode has absolutely no relevance for anything, but I love it deeply.

And we made it you guys! It was slower going but it worked!

Thank you to everyone who read so far and thank you to everyone who has been liking and reblogging and commenting! I don’t think I’ll ever be able to express how much this means to me!

(Also please keep doing that! I too am an excitable puppy looking for validation!)

Now, to tag:

@angelcamael, @greyhello, @ipleiade, @the-family-we-choose-118 @chimbuckleys @sevensoulmates

#buddie meta #buck meta #eddie meta #911 meta #evan buckley #eddie diaz #buddie #911 #911 fox #season 3 #textpost #mine #meta #buck #my meta

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canonicallyanxious · 4 years

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Previous anon! I think you mentioned a literature degree in a post a while back. (But the tags you left on the ask certainly showed evidence of it haha). I was curious and wanted you to talk about it but wasnt sure if i should straight up say "pls talk about your degree i am very interested and curious"

lollll i mean as a lit major i feel like i’m morally obligated to drag myself for it bc like i deserve it but yeah i’m down to talk about my degree!! uhhh idk if you have anything specific in mind, feel free to ask me whatever you want to know bc it turns out when asked to talk about my degree i don’t even know where to start rip also if you’re looking for someone who can advise you on what you can do with a lit major i am the wrong person to go to sdkjfnsdkjsnfd what i do for work now has basically nothing to do with what i studied but i’m honestly good with that bc it was always something i studied more because i wanted to than because i wanted to turn it into an actual career

Trying to remember what lit classes i liked the best... off the top of my head: contemporary women novelists, modern english lit, black literature in europe, post-colonial lit [by far my favorite lit class ever, that reading list fuckin slapped]; there was also a class that i don’t remember what it was called anymore but i loved it bc we read a lot of more nontraditional writing that also focused a lot on intergenerational trauma [so like Maus and the Photographer which are graphic novels were on the reading list, and we also read a poem called Zong! and experimental plays and things like that]

hmmm not knowing what specifically you wanna know about i guess i’ll just give some general thoughts about being a lit major [and tossing a cut here bc i got rambly... i’m sorry... you asked a lit major about being a lit major this is what happens i guess]

as one might expect it involves a fuckton of reading and writing literary analysis which might be a con for some but definitely not for me. but like i am the kind of asshole who actually likes reading three books in a week and writing a 7 page close reading comparing the roles of Persuasion’s Ann Elliot and the Bride of Lamermoor’s Lucy so, you know, i certainly don’t expect what works for me to be a one-size-fits-all kind of thing lol

One thing I really liked with the classes i took was the opportunity to push back against the typical canon of the Dead White Man that i feel like was really prevalent in public school. tbf there was still quite a bit of that in some of my classes [James Joyce meet me in the fucking pit] but if you’re strategic with the classes you sign up for you really get the chance to get exposed to a lot of unique and diverse perspectives, i feel like the foundation i got in those classes helped me form a baseline for where to start in finding more literature like that

Although as mentioned i did still have a lot of issues with that in my department. like idk if that was just my school or being in undergrad or whatever but i feel like a lot of lit majors I knew had a very prescriptive view of what “counts” as literature, we got into so many discussions about what qualifies as ~art~ [which if you know me i think is such bullshit like who are we to judge what is more artistic than something else particularly when for so much of history what has been deemed ~proper literature~ was written by white men but anyway we don’t have to get into it right now lol] and while i got the sense that the culture was slowly changing while i was part of it i do still feel like there’s a lot about the lit academia world that still kinda has to catch up, like it can be a field rife with elitism and narrow-mindedness depending on where you are in it. but of course that’s just my own take on it! ymmv and all that

i feel like this major taught me way more about how to read than about how to write, like at my school at least especially in a lot of the upper level classes there was basically no guidance for how to write your papers you’re kind of already expected to know how to write good literary criticism? also tbh i didn’t always love writing papers, in fact sometimes it fucking sucked having to write long analyses about topics i didn’t give a shit about and sometimes you have to do a FUCKTON of writing about shit you don’t care about [especially during finals week rip college Sarah you will not be missed]. but i think the analysis skills i developed while studying lit are genuinely really valuable even if i don’t really do anything directly related to my field of study career wise, like they help me be more thoughtful about pretty much everything i read and watch from the news to fiction and also be more thoughtful about my choices in my own creative writing all of which i really appreciate esp since it’s stuff i’m interested in just in general so I definitely don’t regret this choice of study!

sidenote but big rip to anyone who goes into this major and likes reading for fun in their downtime sdfknsnf i had way too much reading always to do any of my own reading outside of class [anthro is a very reading/writing heavy major too BIG rip to college Sarah] and when i did have breaks i was like fuck no i’m not thinking about words until i ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO [by going back to class] [god i’m so glad i’m not in school anymore]

Lord that got rambly skjfnskdjfnsd idek if any of that is anything you’d be interested in but yeah feel free to ask me more specific questions if you feel like it! then maybe i won’t go off on a million tangents [disclaimer: i probably still will]

#the college struggle #jesus haven't used that tag in a while sndkfdsk #but like it's relevant so w/e #Anonymous #answers

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familyagrestefanblog · 5 years

Note

You mentioned in one of your posts that you'd love to talk about every abusive thing Gabriel (and Nathalie) did to Adrien. Please do that!

You know what? You are damn right

Even though I cant make a whole essay analysis off of it right now ( I wanna wait for “Chat Blance” and “Felix” to air first to have the whole 3 seasons list of abuse complete and I’m kinda short on time from tomorrow on) I sure as hell started actually writing down the types of abuse done by Gabriel to Adrien seen in the show. Cuz im lying sick in bed so why the hell not, its for important education reasons. Cuz the amount of people in this fandom believing Adrien isnt being abused just because Gabriel doesn’t marsh into Adriens room to punch his son in the face every 2 scenes, is actually quite concerning.

The list is not complete yet its just what I could remember today without rewatching 50+ episodes but still I may say that I still got a very large and diverse amount (cuz the abuse in the Agreste family is one of my favorite aspects of Miraculous).

I sorely focused on Gabriel for now. Meaning:

The abusive actions Gabriel has shown to have done and used against Adrien JUST AS GABRIEL

Then Gabriel as a person. His personality, tone, bodylanguage and choice of words when being with Adrien.

Then the harmful/abusive actions against/affecting Adrien Gabriel does AS HAWKMOTH or for his plans.

Every point isnt every incident Gabriel whenever Gabriel did something because sometimes things happen twice. Every point is another factor or type of abuse that brings in another layer.

(Ill also put them here in photo form because putting it all in here will get too much)

Sadly I couldn’t dive into how these types of abuse affect and cause Adriens behaviour in the show because that is just too much for one day. Adrien is too well written. Maybe one day I’ll find the time to really make some essay posts including all sides but for now

Let me show you my “Gabriel abuse” notes

Page 1:

Page 2 (with a little continuation from page 1 in the beginning):

and page 3 (the continuation of point 3)

Its frankly a fuck tone and im not even anywhere close to done. This entire abusive and toxic father-son power imbalance is so incredibly well written and often downright brutal when you think about it. But I’m just impressed that this show is for one ALLOWED to do this and two ABLE to portray this so phenomenally. Cuz this is abuse. This happens in real life to abused children. Take out the magic part of the show and you have a real life scenario.

And I freaking LOVE it!

But you know what I’ll love even more once we are there (and it is already build up and forshadowed like crazy)?

Adrien getting the fuck out of this nightmare of a house and getting adopted by the Dupain-Changs! Cuz for as much as I like Gabriel as a character and villain, I want to see this bitch burn and pay for his actions. Let him face the consequences and loose the son he abused, controlled, manipulated and neglected and abandoned this entire time.

I cant wait to see Adrien turn against his Father after finding out he’s Hawkmoth and step by step twisting out of the grasp of our toxic main villain until one day hes finally free and in a wonderful and loving family he can truly bloom in.

Yes. Its gonna get ugly. Its gonna get unfair. And its definitely gonna get more and more intense between these two. Its realistic just like it always has been and I honestly wouldn’t want it any other way.

Give me a real abuse Survivor children can look up to, because by God in heaven, there are children out there who need it! And Miraculous is doing a fantastic job with both Adrien and Chloe even if most of the fandom cant see it yet. Later, when we truly have the big picture these two will be unique characters of redemption and survival. But until then? Until they are out of their toxic situations and environments? Its gonna be ugly, rough, painful but bloody real and understandable

Because children/kids and, fuck, young ADULTS like me need ugly and bloody real and not some characters who have our backstory but still always happen to be oh so brave, so unafraid of the consequences of disobeying or rebellion and OH SO suspiciously unproblematic even though that’s complete unrelatable bullshit

Miraculous keeps this shit real, with real consequences, real behaviours and real and not rushed solutions

Thank you Miraculous (and She Ra), I would have needed you in my childhood

Thank fucking you

#Miraculous #Miraculous ladybug #Ml abuse #Adrien Agreste #Chat Noir #Cat Noir #Gabriel agreste #Hawkmoth #Le Papillion #ml child abuse #this is literally so important #And it's phenomenally well portrayed #Ml sugar #Yeah sugar #Cause the show is doing a great job even if it is a negative topic

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laceymorganwrites · 5 years

Text

Where do we go when we go?

Word Count: 3,356

Pairing: Law x reader

Song: Where do we go when we go? - Neck Deep

Warnings: cursing, suicidal themes

A/N: so i went a bit overboard with this… but I think I got a better understanding for Law´s character after writing this, after all those songfics for me are just a way to improve my writing and the understanding of certain characters.

GIF NOT MINE

Pain, pain go away,

Law was always in pain. Whether it was physically or mentally, a part of him always ached. Ached with anger, with misery, damage, ached with the desperate want of release. There was no denying he deserved it, he knew himself too well, maybe he was a bit of a masochist in the sense that he enjoyed it in some twisted way. It was the universe telling him how much of an asshole he was, how many bad things he did, how many innocent people he harmed. And the bad thing was that he wouldn´t stop. He´d rather suck up all the pain and not change his ways. He had to do this alone, as he did with the rest of his life. Solitude was the only way for Law. Come back another day,

But he didn´t want to feel like shit today. Fuck, not today. Not if there were any consequences for his behavior for once, not when there was actually something on the line. That being the first impression he would give to you. And he didn´t want to fuck that up like everything else in his life. Normally he´d say screw it, what did he think what some random stranger thought of him? They´d never understand him anyway, so fuck them. But Robin told him he´d never experience happiness if he just kept pushing people away. How could he say they´d never understand if he didn´t let them? And maybe she was right, which Law didn´t like to admit. If she was right, it wouldn´t be good for his ego. If she was right, everything in his life up until now would´ve been a lie. I just wanna get one up on life before it kills me.

He lived his life out of spite. Quite literally. Spite was the fuel that kept him going. Just the pure knowledge that people out there were outraged by him merely existing, it was just too pleasurable for the sadistic bastard. If others didn´t want him to live and do the things he did, that just spurred him on even more. His whole life was one big risk, one big fuck you to the world. And so far it´s paid him off with solitude. Which was good for him, it meant no people bugging him. Nobody could tell him what to do, he was free. And if the price of freedom was loneliness, he´d endure it. Because loneliness was all he´s ever known, he couldn´t know any better. And who the fuck would care if some pirate scum like him croaked because of his own stupidity, nobody would mourn him. I guess we'll never know, If when we´re gone there's a place to go.

Law thought about death too often, no doubt about it. He had everything planned out in his life, his goals, the solitude, that he´d never make any alliances and that he would never open himself up to another person and fall in love. Well, despite the fact that he somehow managed to break every single one of his stupid rules spoke volumes about the doctor. Maybe that was the reason why he suddenly was scared of dying and what would happen after his death. Before he just winged everything, taking all the risks he could. Yes, he might´ve had some plans, he always did and still does, but that doesn´t mean they are safe. In fact before his alliance with the Strawhats all of them were doomed. All of his plans were risky and ended up with him dying. But none of that mattered to him, why should it? It was his own fate, it didn´t affect anyone and nobody else had a say in his life, it was his decision. Or if we don't see anything at all,

Ever since he joined up with Strawhat, he couldn´t say that he saw his path as clearly anymore. Actually he didn´t see a fucking thing anymore. All the plans he made, all that he stood for, everything that happened in his life up until now, all of it was in vain. Just because of some fucking people who called themselves his friends. He didn´t need friends. And they were lying anyway, nobody could befriend him, Law was too much of an asshole on purpose for that. He was meant to be a loner, not a friend. He wasn´t meant to be protected by people, he wasn´t meant to be cared about. He didn´t want to be protected and cared for. He just wanted to be alone. Needless to say he didn´t believe any of the Strawhats when they proclaimed him their friend. Is that what we´re supposed to call faith?

But after he adjusted to the new circumstance, Law did manage to relax and open up a little. It was the survival of the fittest in the New World, one could only get by by adapting to one´s environment. And that´s just what he did. He had friends now, huh? He got especially close to Robin and Zoro, he felt as if he could be himself around them without being judged. They shared a lot of things, had a lot of things in common. They laughed about the same things and always knew what the other felt and needed in that moment. Law didn´t know what to think of that, it was weird. Why would anyone go out of their way to make friends that are that close to each other? To him getting close to someone meant betraying them and using the information they gave him against them. But with the Strawhats he felt like he could trust them oddly enough. He never trusted anyone in his life, not even himself. Hell, himself in the very least. But who knew, maybe his life wouldn´t be so miserable now that he found friends. Well if that is that, and it all just fades to black,

And then there was you. Law didn´t see you as a friend and he didn´t want you to see him as such. He didn´t want to be your friend. He wanted to be someone special to you, he wanted you to see him the way he saw you, as an angel. He didn´t want you to smile at him as you smiled at all the others, he wanted you to smile at him sweetly, a special smile reserved for him. Every time he saw you, his heart jumped. And every time he almost had a heart attack because that´s what he thought this strange feeling was. But after an analysis of all the other symptoms and a thorough talk with Robin, he finally acknowledged that he was in love. Another thing he swore he´d never be. Love was weakness, it was useless and only hurt. Maybe that´s why he was drawn to you. He wanted you to be his savior, bring out the best in him and then prove him right in betraying him. He wanted to make you love him as he loved you only to prove to himself that it wasn´t possible, nobody would ever love him, it only would be a lie. Love was just a camouflage for betrayal and sadism. That thought made him smirk. And we don't see anything at all, We don't see anything, What are you waiting for?

Maybe love wasn´t so bad after all. Maybe it was just faking to be misunderstood like he was. Maybe love too was pretending to have changed into something better when in reality it was laughing at everyone who believed in the petty lie. Nothing could change Law. Or that´s what he told himself. He knew better of course, but he didn´t want to admit it. Why would he? So everyone knew he was wrong? Hell no. Nevertheless he couldn´t get you out of his head, you disturbed his mind in the most inconvenient moments and he really couldn´t use this right now. Pain, pain go away, Come back another day, I just wanna get one up on life before it kills me. And I can't put my faith in a fallacy, I just wanna get one up on life before it kills me. The world is a funny place,

Law was never a person to crack jokes or laugh at them, jokes were a waste of time, something only desperate people tended to. He amused himself at his and others misery, their pain and agony, his own. He never was a person to be deemed funny, well, he did share the same dark humor with Robin, but overall he wasn´t really a funny person. That´s why you irritated him to no end, you who laughed at the things he said in an uncharacteristic try of humor. You giggled at his bitter comments and then gave him a shy smile, looking at him with all the hope in the world. Every time you smiled, or showed any other sign of affection, Law felt his heart sink into his chest and subconsciously smiled back, or he tried. The closest he ever got to a real smile was his usual sadistic smirk. It kicks you when you're down

And yet he couldn´t talk to you. Why was that? Why was it that whenever there was an opportunity he not only wasted it, but he screwed it up over and over again, making a complete fool out of him. Robin actually got so sick and tired of it that she almost called him out in front of the whole crew. But in a moment of better judgment she sought Law out in private to scold him. She was the one who set this whole date thing up today. Well, she forced Law to have night watch with you, snickering wickedly to herself. She clearly was more sadistic than the doctor could ever hope to be. And knocks you out when you get up again.

So there he was, in the cold of a winter island, standing guard and watching over the ship with you. You were very suspect of this whole ordeal, you just hoped Robin didn´t tell Law about that moment you accidentally let it slip how attractive and funny you thought he was. To tell the truth, you also became quite intrigued with the doctor ever since he joined up with you for the alliance. How could you not? Everyone was curious, it was only natural. And what would one do if someone like Law, a wandering book with seven seals, came along if not try to break every single one of them. But you quickly learned that you shouldn´t ever try to break them. Getting inside his head and trying to get personal information out of him was near impossible. Instead of telling you small, funny anecdotes, people that inspired him in his life, his goals and dreams, he only listed off all the gruesome things he´s done, all of his innocent victims, he went into extreme detail how much pain he has caused. I don't think it's worth suffering through.

Needless to see the rest of the night was quiet and uncomfortable. It left you wishing you never asked Law about himself, it made you wish you never even talked to him or did so much as glance at him. You hated being gloomy over silly things like that, he´d be gone if the whole plan was a success, or if it wasn´t. Maybe it wasn´t necessarily heartache you felt, maybe it was just the sheer disappointment of you trying to be nice to him and actually make an effort in trying to converse with him, yet it was all for naught. And quite honestly you were pissed at that. At least you told yourself it was disappointment instead of heartache, but you´d never admit to having such a stupid thing as a heartache, because that would mean you´d also admit to liking Law. But on the other hand, There's a world full of possibilities

Yes, it was childish. But so was Law´s behavior. As soon as you asked one little question about him, something trivial and unimportant, he closed up again and pushed you away. It was what he always did, something he couldn´t let go no matter how hard he tried. He felt so sorry after the things he said to you, the way he scared you off and yet he never actually apologized to you, he was just too embarrassed. And honestly Law wasn´t one to be good at formulating words. Sure, it was his charm, the way he could go from smug to dork in a matter of seconds, it was a personality trait that really warmed your heart and never failed to make you smile. And a million other people just like you

Then again Law wasn´t the only attractive man on the planet. There were others who exposed the same charming traits of him, but none of the bad ones. But did you really want to meet them? Did that really make them better than him? To you the bad things belonged to Law as much as his good ones. The only thing that really bugged you about him was how much he let himself be guided by his bad side, how much he defined himself over it as if he didn´t have a good one too. Who've all been through what you've been through,

All you wanted to do was to tell him he wasn´t alone. You wanted to figure out what made him the way he was, but he wouldn´t let you, you understood him too well. Everybody had secrets too dark to share, it was normal. So why did you want to rip off the band aid brutally and make Law´s wound bleed again? Maybe you were sadistic just like him. They were singing… Pain, pain go away, Come back another day, I just wanna get one up on life before it kills me. And I can't put my faith in a fallacy, I just wanna get one up on life before it kills me. I saw it all flash and pass by

There went his chance with you, Law thought. He wasn´t surprised at all at how much he fucked up again, it was the only thing he was half decent at. Yet it didn´t fill him with satisfaction like it usually would, instead the void inside of him only grew. When he told Robin about his struggles, she frowned at first before she started giggling. You also ranted about Law to her. Robin gave you the tip to be patient, Law would come around, he didn´t mean what he said and he didn´t know how to voice his affection towards others, let alone figure out he actually held those affections. With bright lights

You thanked her before leaving her with a smile. Patience, huh? You weren´t really a patient person, but you got it, you didn´t want to jump onto Law, getting all personal. It was stupid, the more you thought about it. You would´ve reacted the same way if someone asked you about your deepest, darkest secrets for the first time you talked. Well, maybe not exactly the same way, you´d turn to other measures than tell that person in detail how many people you killed and that their screams haunted you every night and you still didn´t regret it. Perhaps he was a lost cause, but perhaps he was also just a broken man, maybe he was both. Maybe the sadistic asshole stuff was only a facade of it all. But then again, probably not. And right before my eyes was the Exit sign.

Law has been lost so many times in his life, not even metaphorically speaking, he was just shit at orientation and never really knew where he was. So he was more than glad to be on a crew that had a great navigator, it just gave him a sense of security he needed in his life. He never had any sort of security or reassurance, his life was always hanging on a thread, not because of his sickness, well, not entirely because of it anyway. It was more like he kept fucking things up, real bad too. Law has always lived his life with death hanging at his back, death was always present in his life, whether he was awake or not. Sometimes it felt like the sweetest release on earth, sometimes it annoyed him to no end. I saw it all flash and pass by

Today was one of those days. He finally had some sort of false sense of security and happiness, he met people that genuinely cared about him, made friends, fell in love, yet he still felt death´s cold glare at his back, as if it was saying: “You´re next”. But he didn´t want to be. Not this time. For the first time in his life he actually took some care of himself, he watched out for any risks that could harm him or his friends. And asked why I wasted precious time,

It all made sense to him now, the way he lived his life before didn´t count as living, it was mere survival with a pinch or making others suffer and betrayal both of his side and behalf. Now it was different, he could open up to Robin and Zoro, they shared everything with each other, it felt secure. And without them he would´ve never reflected upon his actions and the words he said, the way he said them, the way he meant them and the way you understood them. And most importantly they gave him the guts to actually apologize to you, explain himself, at least a little. But that was a start, it was something. It just passed me by. It just passed me by.

In turn you did something he wasn´t used to, you forgave him. But you also apologized for asking such a personal and intimate question. “It´s fine, I guess that´s how you show that you care… if you do that is” he stumbled over his words again. But how could he not with you being so close to him? He could feel the way you breathed, your nervous ticks, the shy way you looked at him and the slight frown, the hurt in your eyes. “Of course I care… how could I not?” you whispered to prevent your voice from shaking from all the nervousness you experienced right now. We are just passing by. (Just passing by.) Just passing by. Oh, we are just passing by. (Just passing by.) Just passing by.

“Trust me, there are more reasons to not care about me than there are reasons to actually like me” Law bitterly commented and you pouted, making him smirk. It made him want to hug you and hold you close. But the way he knew himself, he´d tease you about it until you grew sick and tired of him and left. “Those are your reasons though, not mine. And frankly speaking, I don´t care about your reasons. I trust my heart and what it tells me” you crossed your arms, you looked like a mother scolding her child. Law´s smirk grew wider with every second he looked at you. “You know hearts can´t speak, right?” he remarked teasingly and watched your face go from disbelief, to disappointment, to the corners of your lips twitching to you bursting out into full on laughter.

And damn, if Law could make you laugh like that, he was doing something right in his pitiful life. A certain pride filled him when he saw you fighting for air and when you looked at him again, you started laughing again. “You´re an idiot” you giggled, finally breathing normally again. “I know” Law smirked awkwardly. Pain, pain go away, Come back another day, I just wanna get one up on life before it kills me. I can't put my faith in a fallacy, I don't wanna wait for that goodbye to see what could've been. And I just wanna get one up on life before it kills me.

#one piece #one piece imagine #one piece oneshot #one piece law #one piece songfic #law x reader #trafalgar law #trafalgar d water law #op #op imagine #op oneshot #op songfic #op law #songfic #songfic sunday

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shhhhyoursister · 5 years

Note

Hey what are you favourite davenzi scenes/moments and what are your favourite Matteo scenes/moments? Hope you’re well!

okay okay okay this has been in my inbox for a lil while and i feel like ive been building up to it but im going to watch some clips and gather some thoughts.....i asked @theyellowcurtains to give me a number limit for each and he said 3 so im gonna do 3 of each otherwise id just write a frame by frame analysis of all of season 3 (im so sorry for how long this post is i have so many thoughts all the time)

im gonna start with matteo moments and im gonna list the season/episode/clip just for clarity okay?? okay (im doing matteo moments that dont include david because i have to go off about that later on)

1. s3ep10cl2- okay okay so the morning after clip is perfect in every single way and i could go off about it for years but beyond all of the davenzi stuff there is the moment when matteo leaves davids room and hes wearing the gray sweater, when laura is dancing??? which is also iconic all on its own but im talking specifically about matteo here, so you know he sits down on that stool thing and hes smiling SO big and hes blushin really hard and then laura sees him and they LAUGH??? and then he claps for her???? if i had to pick id absolutely say that that whole sequence is my fave matteo moment and also kind of interesting and makes me think about the fact that matteo is definitely very shy and quiet but he also has that like,, brat confidence?? i could make an entire post about that but ANYWAY yeah that is the fucking best matteo moment hes so cute and nervous but also totally fine being obvious about the fact that him and david fucked which i think is hilarious but i digress and i MUST move on

2. s3ep8cl2- i do have to say that while im not a HUGE fan of the explanation the video he watched gave of like,, what being trans is, im really glad they included this clip?? like its so obvious that matteo wants to talk to david but doesnt really know what to say, and i love that his first instinct was to start looking stuff up?? like if i was into a cis guy and he told me that he didnt really know about trans stuff but he did RESEARCH?? like thats just really sweet and shows that he really fucking loves david already and just wants to be more informed about what hes,, not to say signing up for but i cant think of a better phrase but yall know what i mean ya know??? its just very very sweet of him!!!!!

3. s3ep8cl4- i think people know about my deep love for hans so of course this clip is going to be one of my favorites?? im going to narrow it down a bit though because the part of this clip that hit me the fucking hardest was when hans asks “what do you like about him?” because the way matteo reacts is just?? so sweet?? at first he looks a little unsure but then when hans repeats himself matteo licks his lips and goes “well, i love his smile” like????? is that not the cutest fucking shit?? he literally swoons and collapses back into the chair cause hes probably imagining it and then he goes off about it being “beautiful” with david and im sure hans is trying not to cry?? and hans ending it with “thats the only thing that really matters, everything else is secondary” and matteo going “thats true” and then laughing a little bit?? i feel like that whole thing was a bit of a turning point for matteo and wow i am,,, so emotional about it

oh my god im so sorry im going off but im about to go off more cause,,, im gonna talk about davenzi moments now

1. s3ep10cl1- okay im just gonna start strong even though i feel like everyone talks about this clip i REALLY wanna talk about it because??? the fact that they showed a fucking sex scene between a trans boy and a gay cis boy is still so fucking iconic and legendary?? while this whole season really changed my life, this scene in particular is so.......it just feels so good to see. like its so nice watching that and seeing someone who looks like me ya know?? not that i look like david god i wish i was that lucky but like,, someone wearing a binder?? someone whos body looks more like mine than any other trans rep ive seen?? and seeing that body being portrayed as DESIRABLE??? i think thats one of the things that gets me the most is just how like,, just how much matteo is into david lol it just feels good feels organic but im gonna stop myself here before i talk for 1000 years about a less than 4min long clip lmao

2. s3ep10cl4- okay so this clip really just highlights the cute beginning flirting stages of their relationship?? like matteo doesnt want to host the party but then he sees david and smiles and then hes smiling like a fool when he hands david the beanie back and theyre both just so awkward but obviously crushing?? and he wants to keep talking so of course hes gonna bring up the time they hung out, and he looks a lil shocked after david says “it was cool with you” and then he like,, stutters through inviting him to the party cause hes probably so nervous!!! theyre both just such big losers with such BIG crushes on each other its really just the cutest fucking clip and also kinda shows that david isnt necessarily just this,, cool dude?? hes also a stuttery blushy dork with a crush?? wow wow its just such a good underrated clip WOW

3. s3ep9cl7- okay okay okay okay okay im sure there are like lenghty analyses about this clip already but i dont care because holy FUCK??? something i didnt really notice about it before was once matteo finally goes up to david hes like “are you fucking serious” but then he sees that david is fuckin spiraling so his voice gets softer and he asks him like “hey whats wrong” and its just a really good set up to the conversation?? and its nice to see that despite matteo probably being kinda angry hes mostly just worried about david?? and then matteo just lets david go OFF at him and only talks when hes trying to tell him that it isnt going to be the same as it was last time but then once he sees that david is getting angrier and louder hes like okay how am i going to get him to listen so of course matteo, the quietest boy in the world, yells back!!!! and yeah thats the thing that finally stops david from working himself up!! and matteo realizes that hes gonna need to be a lil loud and pushy to make david listen to him and then he goes back to being soft once david is paying attention to him!!! and then he talks and he says so much, like much more than he usually does at one time, and god GOD the way they did that was jsut so GOOD!!!!! and the fact that matteo, who appears to be either depressed or apathetic like 90% of the season, is the one that says i love you first??? and during such an emotional and important moment like?? like after going off about how david isnt alone and that hes really great and jsut needs to stop hiding himself away LIKE???? guys its jsut so so good its just so good i could talk for years but im gonna cut myself off here

honorable mentions cause i cant shut the fuck UP:

1. when theyre looking at davids sketchbook and david is like “these are private actually all of them are private” and matteo is like “well you already showed them to me it doesnt matter” and then he giggles like damn no question why david had such a huge crush on him immediately hes such a cutie

2. “its not a girl”

3. ill just say the whole cuddle clip?? the tender/feral dichotomy?? absolutely *chefs kiss* just fucking perfect

4. THE FIRST KISS??? also gotta say i noticed something for the first time the other night but matteo SMILES and i hadnt seen it before its right after david says “i bet i can hold my breath longer than you” and then the angle changes and he smiles before holding his breath and it killed me when i saw it whoops

5. final shout out along the same lines as ^^ that one but just?? anytime matteo smiles?? fills me with serotonin. the smile in the final clip right before david runs over to kiss him?? the smiles when hes fuckin around with the boys?? every single lil nervous crushy smile with david??? i could go on but im going to stop this now before i say any more this is already too long

#noggins #davenzi #david schreibner #matteo florenzi #matteo x david #sorry this is so long should i tag it #long reads #just in case #i just have so much to say all the time and this?? this is me holding myself back #i have so many words yall so many words

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adecila · 5 years

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Game of Thrones – 8x04 “The Last of the Starks” episode analysis – or who the fuck ever let D&D write stuff

You know I am pretty much like this dude here –

so I will be the woman to lead this ship or so help me all the old gods and the new.

Spoilers, d’uhh.

Aftermath - but everyone has their wardrobe on fleek, hair looking fab and they even had time to clean the entire field of Winterfell

The episode starts with the funeral pyre and how DARE you make me love Jorah even more and twist the knife in my heart. And did you have to show me Theon, Beric, Edd’s and Lyanna’s bodies???

RUDE.

Jon is doing a big speech and it is nice and drove the sobbing further, but I get it this is Jon’s turf so he has to be the one making the big speech. That is such a Dany thing though, and I can’t help to think, when put into perspective with the rest of the episode, that it’s yet again a thing Dany has lost. But more on that later.

The pyres are lit, sad music, more sobbing from me. OOOPS BUT DID YOU CATCH THAT JONERYS EXCHANGE OF LOOKS? Because I did! I can’t help but think how he looks at her for reassurance and she feels it and she turns and she is just.so.broken. And then she cries and I cry again.

A feast for crows the survivors

And then we get a feast and suddenly everyone is happy and stuff… ok, I guess life goes on. Maybe Sandor’s crass remark, under the guise of a funny moment, was meant to make us think on it. But maybe that’s too deep for D&D who the fuck knows.

Let’s talk about Gendry’s legitimisation.

Dany does it quite publicly, and small exchange between her and Tyrion makes sense. Honestly, if she hadn’t done it herself then and there, it would have come up at a later point, but with 2 episodes left there’s no time. S.ansa does her shady looks because she throws shade and Bran just stares into the void smh.

In which I am the Hound unimpressed and eating his chicken.

Davos x Tyrion

The Lord of Light fucked off into the sunset when he saw D&D’s piss poor writing and honestly same. He probably fucked off when he saw Melisandre was still getting his prophecies wrong.

Every time S.ansa comes into frame my soul leaves my body a bit more because whY THO.

Tyrion x Bran the 3ER

Cool beans Bran, that’s how you use you abilities? OMG JOJEN FUCKING DIED FOR YOU–

“I mostly live in the past now” - to me this means Bran has become this empty shell of a man and he just visits the past and checks out cool shit. It’s like a kid who gets access to YouTube for the first time. Heck he can even see his dad or whoever else he misses if he feels anything at all now. Because if he doesn’t even have “wants” then? What was the point of it all? God I swear the writers will not rest until they will have reduced all characters to tropes and empty shells of their former selves.

Tormund and the gang around Jon; Tyrion with Jaime ; Dany alone

This scene right here was the beginning of the end. Remember when Tormund was a dude who was in awe by strong women? D&D don’t. He suddenly is so far up Jon’s ass nothing could take him out. Guess it pays off for him in the end since Jon just gifts him Ghost.

S.ansa just fucking stop OMG PLEASE STOP WITH THE FUCKING LOOKS JFC.

But where was Missandei??? Why was Dany alone? And what the fuck was that look, VArYs?? Someone give Dany a hug because my god the isolation is real. Fuck. STOP. TAKING. EVERYTHING. FROM HER.

Never have I ever… thought the writers would stoop so low but here we are

So it’s all fun and games until it isn’t.

Poor Tormund. Jaime never deserved Brienne and that’s a fact.

And the mystery of Willa, the sassy Northern girl has been solved! Bless!!!

SanSan, but with more misogynistic undertones than you ever thought

Yeah you know what, I am not touching this scene. Fuck D&D for daring to say that.

Gendrya - or the moment Gendry decided to pull a Ted Mosby

I feel so bad OMG they did this ship so dirty. However. Arya saying that was expected. But I call bullshit on her never rethinking her decision. Girl’s got a list and she just can’t NOT try to finish it, I mean, wouldn’t you? After you killed such a big boss as the NK?

At the same time, they would be trying for faux feminism, pulling a Arya doesn’t need a man to be happy. Guess the sex was just to try it? Wow can you believe they cheapened this ship and that beautiful moment like that?

I’m so sorry babies, you deserved much better. Guess Gendry was always meant to have his heart broken by a Stark girl once he became a Baratheon. Wow.

Weirdly enough!!! And spoiler maybe?? Leak? Idk. But I feel like Gendrya will prevail (also because she looks heartbroken to reject him like that…). When asked if Gendrya will rule the 7K, Friki said no, these two aren’t made for ruling anything. For what’s worth, Friki mentioned he does know Arya’s endgame and shebis confirmed alive in the Dragon Pit in 8x06 :)

Oathsex

Uff yeah I did not like that. It felt wrong in the context and it felt cheap and I…. yeah IDK. And then Jaime leaves. He could have at least told Brienne that he is he only one who can kill Cersei or IDK, but not leave her like that. Jeesh dude my poor Knight, she is gutted by him.

Jonerys makeout and chat and hey who wanted angst? Turn on your location I just wanna chat.

Sooo flip side: I somehow, for the second time, predicted a thing in my fic. HOWEVER D&D keep only getting half my fics because GURL DID YOU NOT GET THE SMUT MEMO? AND THE FLUFF MEMO?

So Dany goes to find Jon, again, who is tipsy, and Jon suddenly remembers to give Dany some comfort for having lost Jorah…

The set up for Dany saying ILY it’s a bit .. ehh. But her actual words: “He loved me, but I couldn’t love him back, not the way he wanted it. Not the way I love you. Is that alright?”

A+ scene. I love how he can’t help himself and as soon as she is in his arms’ range he just pulls her into him, BEFORE she asks “Is that alright?”.

Uff emo side note here, this scene and this phrase reminded me of this song. Listen and sob. you’re welcome.

On that depressive note, wow that make out tho. Two things I learned from this scene: 1 - Jon is horny drunk, which same; and 2 - Jon is a tiddies guy like he dove in and went for the tiddies, which also same. Am I Jon? Is this why I keep guessing his fucking reactions but D&D won’t give me the rest????? We’ll never know.

And… then Jon stops and pulls back. And I KNOW that in the BTS we are told he is disgusted or whatever along those lines, but to me?? That look means he is CONFLICTED. And listen, if y’all wanted it to make it to mean "disgusted" then you should have made Kit do it differently since YOU KNOW HE WAS FAKE GAGGING TO EMILIA EVERY OTHER MINUTE. YOU CAN’T KEEP ADDING SHIT LATER YOU FUCKING DUMBASSES YOU EITHER PUT IT IN THE ACTUAL SHOW AND THE ACTUAL ACTING OR STFU.

But I guess to me that rejection was more for the general audience than for us. C’mon he clearly loves her, his dick was so hard he was about to nut then and there. Stop bringing your 21st century considerations into a feudalistic fantasy where you have Royals and dragons. Also FUCK YOU VARYS BECAUSE EVEN IN THE NORTH AUNT AND NEPHEW MARRIED SO FUCK YOU BALDIE.

I digress. Then Dany echoes what Jon himself thinks/said - wishing she would have never known. And then we get something that I felt when she was alone and sad at the feast. “I saw the way they looked at you. I know that look; the same way people looked at me, but never on this side of the sea” - yeah so I need a break.

This here - cemented for me what I think the show is doing: stripping everything away from Dany: her armies, her children, her people and the love her people have for her… then Jon. And I don’t mean that as in the sense of some bullshit fleak. No, I mean it in the context of this episode. Because Jon never says I love you back (and maybe @normalisjustafairytale is right and Jon is afraid to say it after Ygritte), and he rejects her, and he says he can’t NOT tell his sisters, even if Dany begs him not to. So in a sense, for now at least, Jon is being taken away from her. So you have all this isolation and losing and losing and then what does she have left? The only constant in her life? The fucking Iron Throne. Because at the moment there is nothing else for her and she probably feels like she will be nothing without it. Hence why she presses to go and take Cersei down. I won’t lie to you, it is cheap writing and very lame and honestly I have read fics a million times better than this bullshit, but they will, at one point, hit us with the boatie reveal, and when that happens, and when Jon fucking finally pulls through and stands by her side, she will have something else, a different constant in life. Moreover, because she realises that the people here in Westeros will never love her, she will have even more of a reason to bow out, say a big fuck you, take her boatie and her hubs and get to her house with the red door.

This is not just wishful thinking, it is very much D&D, and they will of course “humble the powerful woman” (I puked in my mouth by writing that). But also, my consolation is that with this episode, heck even the people who weren’t necessarily her fans, are on her side and asking her to burn KL down. Which I don’t think she would, but more on that in a different post. God this post is already long.

*bathroom break*

BAck. Then Dany echoes what I also said in my fic ugh I hate myself what we all know and are thinking: it doesn’t matter if Jon doesn’t want it; it matter that there are people out there (fucking S.ansa jfc this fucking UGGHDGugduzdahidfg) who don’t like Dany and will support Jon immediately over her. She is right and he is stupid for not seeing it.

I guess I also got my bending the knee from my fic. Kinda. FUCK.ME.

I cannot believe that my Queen had to BEG him and Jon had to be so naive. BOY DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE LESSON FROM YOUR FATHER? Two can keep a secret is one of them is dead, Jonno. Did you not watch Pretty Little Liars??? Why the fuck do you think Ned Stark didn’t tell his wife?? LMAO she would have sold him just like S.asnsa blabbed on you, guess the J___sas were right, it was a bit of a Ned x Cat parallel, probably Cat would have sold Ned also in a fucking instant. Dany is absolutely right. This shit cannot be contained because you don’t know how people would react to it.

“She’s not the girl you grew up with” … BOOM.

I love how he cradles her face into his hands MY FUCKING HEART MY HEART.

Pause. The part where she begs remind me of this traumatic moment:

… fuuuuck. Anyway.

And I love how she turns the tables on him. But Jon… is still Jon for plot reasons I guess. Maybe he didn’t understand why Ned had to keep the secret for so many years.

The end of the Northern plot - BYE NO ONE WILL MISS YOU

The Starks can choke. They are cancelled.

Yeah no. Bye. Fuck S.ansa or Sandra, who the fuck this OOC shitty ass character is. Fuck every single one of them. Wow, emotional manipulation at its finest. I just love how they basically called this episode the last of the Starks because they just character assassinated all of them. Edit: LMAO you know what this is? The shitty family that pulls over one member and tries to break him up with his wife, for the sole reason they don't like her. Because fuck their brother's happiness. Because they are fucking selfish people.

Jaime x Tyrion x my headache

Let’s add to the list of cancelled people Jaime and Tyrion just for that fucking chat.

“I will pay you double” ex machina, and that’s how the Bronn issue is solved. Just as Friki said, btw.

Arya x The Hound

So I guess Arya just fucking lies through her teeth now smh, since she was guilt trippig JON JUST MOMENTS AGO and she just up and leaves BECAUSE FUCK FAMILY I GUESS

Tyrion is suddenly afraid of Dany so I guess we are supposed to excuse Sandra’s petty shady jealous ass

Sandra is fucking jealous and insane. Littlefinger will be proud. Her face though. This fucking bitch doesn’t like that he is a Targaryen LMFAO she is scheming so hard bahahahahah

She is fucking cancelled. They murdered her character the moment they took her out of the Vale. FIGHT ME ON THIS I FUCKING DARE YOU.

Jon x Tormund x Ghost - say your goodbyes

Hey hey hey so that line where Jon belongs in the North? The real North, which for Tormund is North of the Wall since he calls Winterfell the South? Guess where those waterfalls from 8x01 are?

Jon is the worst dog owner KILL ME.

Fucking Sam Tarly

Jon was like yeah no don’t name your kid after me. Interesting how he could tell from a hug that Gilly was pregnant. Hope Dany starts showing soon *wink wink boatie is still coming*

The IT or Southern plot

Tyrion x Varys

I cannot wait for Varys to die. Like, he is spewing inaccurate information and then, he is suddenly against Dany and suddenly only Jon is a war hero. Just because he has a dick. Fuck D&D and their sexist asses Also VArys keeps talking about the realm LMAO YOU KNOW WHAT I SEE? I see kings dying all around you, and the only constant it’s you. Who is the problem, I wonder?

Euron ex machina

Makes no fucking sense. But I guess nobody cares anymore.

Yeah I screamed when Rhaegal died. And I screamed again with Dany.

I guess Dany couldn’t just fly behind Euron’s ship and roast them all for plot reasons.

Dragonstone mess

Fuck you, Varys. And fuck you, Tyrion. Not you, Greyworm, ILY *hugs tightly*

BONUS: FUCK YOU JAIME FUUUUUCK YOU FOR LEAVING BRIENNE LIKE THAT. BYE BITCH GOOD RIDDANCE.

King’s Landing mess & the shitty ass parley that even Captain Sparrow could have organised better

Ew how much time has it passed since Cersei is already claiming to be preggers?

“So much for the breaker of chains” - is again, a sign they are trying to strip Dany of everything she has and is.

Tyrion and Qyburn - ew, but also Qyburn has a point, why would Cersei surrender? Oh and I think the point to save Rhaegal from the NK only for him to die at the hands of Euron is to further handicap Dany and make the Cersei threat real, and have a reason to keep Drogon away from KL - HAVE YOU ALL SEEN THE SCORPIONS EVERYWHERE?

Ugh Tyrion stop trying to get Cersei to love you LMFAO she doesn’t. But I know, it is hard to break from toxic relationships and abusers. Tyrion told Cersei “you are not a monster” and she literally went “HOLD MY BEER”.

Missandei’s death made me sick to my stomach and traumatised me for life. We should all collectively agree to NEVER give D&D our attention again and never let them write anything again.

Missandei hatefully spewing DRACARYS as her last words was so strong it made me start crying because holy shit this was a peaceful person, and for her to show this much hate and rage was so gutting… fuck me. I am crying again. I think she also meant, besides from the obvious, “there is no reasoning with these people, so why bother. Might as well blow it the fuck up.”

And Grey’s reaction wow - again, I was about to puke, despite the scene not being the most gorey on GoT, but it was so intrinsically and viscerally wrong my mind could not deal.

In conclusion

Poor Dany, she has lost everything. EVERYTHING. She is literally at her lowest. After the discussion with Jon, she slipped back the Queen mask - like you can pinpoint the moment she does so! And she keeps it on in front of everyone else but her dragons.

I am expecting a very very cold (but very fragile inside) Dany in 8x05. I am expecting her to push Jon away. Oh and at the ending of 8x04 she totally just gets up on Drogon and goes back to Dragonstone. No way she does anything yet so soon.

I haven’t watched any of the BTS and Making of videos, nor have I watched the 8x05 promo. Will do soon.

Stay strong, jonerys is still going strong. I am here until the very end and I still think this will end with jonerys together. Will it be good writing? Nope. But it will end well. As I keep saying. We’re missing the “sweet” in this fucking “bittersweet” shit show. Stop saying it ends badly because of 8x03.

If you need me, you know where to find me. Image of me in the fandom. Except I charge nothing.

Oh and PS: FUCK D&D.

#got spoilers #got spoilers 8x04 #got 8x04 analysis #game of thrones

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smellycinnamonthundahfudge · 5 years

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Tag Game

Tagged by: @theslytherinterran haha thanks for this btw, i really like getting these things cus im just such a needy bish hahaha

Name/Alias: hahahahaha i dont think im ready to give out my real name on tumblr so i have this thing where like i kinda just wanna be called smells instead hahaha. yknow cus of my url? like yknow how mel is short for melody (pond hehe), i want to be called smells because it's short for smelly hahaha

plus i think it's hilarious to be called smells cus i actually am kinda gross irl hahaha

Birthday: Dec 20 🤟😘

Zodiac: Saggitarius... i think? is that even how you spell it? haha lol

Height: 5'5"?? tbh i aint rlly dat sure haha

Hobbies: bingewatching (tv shows, movies, yt vids), writing (fanfics, poems, analysis/posts/captions/thoughts), hanging out in tumblr haha, reading (once in a blue moon, i binge a couple fics on a list or a book that i kept on pause haha), and then lastly, hanging w/ meh doggos hehe 🥰😄🥰😊

Favourite Color: Pink (i wonder if that seems unexpected for me here or nah haha)

Favourite Books:

there's this author in my country, Bob Ong, i think he's pretty much the most mainstream author we have and i fucking love his books. i've only read 2 of them (so far) abnkkbsnplako?! and stainless longganisa but i fucking loved them. they are so relatable n honest n FUNNY n smart n truthful n emotionally resonant. they're basically memoirs n rando thoughts about school and writing. but i honestly really really loved them

Ugly Love by Colleen Hoover - whew holy shit this book was a doozy for me. one, she's like only the 2nd fem author i've read (i'm not much of a reader if i'm being honest, dont have the patience for it), it is such an emotional love story with great characters and it had me saying i love you to the loved ones in my life after reading it (but that may or may not have to do with the fact that i just have a lotta repressed emotions that this book, and sleep deprivation from binging it, managed to wring out of me haha). it's also pretty funny n quirky n cool n haha it's the first time i read a sex scene that wasn't on fanfic haha

A Series of Unfortunate Events by Lemony Snicket (aka Daniel Handler irl) - i. love. these. books. they are so freaking smart and funny and amusing and lemony snicket's voice is just so effing good. i havent read all of them tho. an unfortunate mistake that i still feel guiltyabout to this day haha lol

Last song listened to: when i first started answering this, it was Euphoria by uhh jung kook is it? tbh i only listened to it cus kat and ethan's romantic confession was literal goals haha. but then i listened to vacation by the gogos while writing this probs cus i was lssing to it after ffh haha

Last movie watched: i thought the last movie i watched was endgame too (every time i watch it is a memorable af experience) but i am just now remembering it's actually mamma mia hahaha. i've rewatched that film so many goddamned times already it literally just slipped my mind haha. and then after putting this on pause, i watched like 3 romcoms (10 things i hate about you, begin again, and half of flipped haha)

Inspiration for muse: hhmm well i think it usually happens when i read/watch something and then my mind fixates on how my ship could be applied to that as well haha dunno

Dream Job: comedian-writer-director haha

Meaning behind my URL: hahaha ngl i kinda feel like i've been waiting for someone to ask me this ever since i came up with it hahaha. like the explanation has just been sitting in the back of my mind for so long and now i can finally explain the quirky cute weird insanity that is my url haha.

each word is related to something significant from a fandom of mine

smelly is from smelly cat from friends, phoebe's infamous song haha

cinnamon is rajesh koothrapali's adorable lil dog (CINNAMON, MY LITTLE LAMB CHOP 😂😂🤣) from the big bang theory

thundah, i think, is from cat in the hat. where the cat has thing 1 and thing 2 and thing 2's nickname is chocolate thundah hahaha (overcompensating with the nicknames because of he's number 2 hahaha)

and lastly fudge is from how i met your mother because marshall erikson calls himself/is called big fudge and subsequently judge fudge hahahaha <3

and thus smellycinnamonthundahfudge was born. i have no idea what past me was thinking hahaha. i think i was trying to be all WEIRD AND QUIRKY YAY which i think i succeeded at haha cus i was finally going to join tumblr. i also have a hard on for references that i wonder if ppl will get or nah hahaha. plus i really like its flow, like you can say it really quickly despite it being long af hahaha

imma just tag familiar faces around here haha (yknow the gist, do wat u wanna do, im not forcin u or anythin)

@mytamakomysookee and @hello-em75 (the first pips i actually chatted with when i first got here hehe), @suplosers (the first one ever to tag me in something like this hehe) and then just a buncha pips i've seen around here somewhere... cant really place you, u guys just seem familiar enough haha lol @you-guys--are-losers @the-real-illi-vanilli @nicehandsfeet @justaleapoffaith @jennifer7585 @orntrnk @mllefangirl @dhallia @untitledandrandom @spiderman-homecomeme @kanakalala458 @xfandemoniumx @justanotherfangirlpassingthrough @justlookatthosesausages @bubbleuwu @timey-wimey-drew @ironchilddragon @walkingcherrysoul @sexylordpalpatine @ohthedreamsofeuphoria @mattsavocados @missjordie @across-the-pond

and finally @tare8chan even tho you've not just been tagged to this already (by the same person who tagged me for that matter), you managed to finish this before i tagged ya hahaha darn

this was so effing long and sharey i dunno maybe i was just bored or on a confident streak hahahaha lol

well i think the lesson here is that i'm a very intense person with a lot of feels. thanks to anyone who actually read this entire thing for some reason haha. i know my intensity can be really offputting sometimes but eh pips gon be hu pips gon be. dey cant help it

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nervousgaylaughter · 5 years

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how'd we end up on a road we never took (chapter 1)

a kate and eva fake dating au

read on ao3

Kate is sick of her life. She’s sick of her homophobic parents. She’s sick of all the fake people at school. And she’s sick of Cairo and all her questions. It’s one thing to go to school and be interrogated about dating her best friend to go home and be lectured how she’s just in a phase. The duality of her two worlds is too much for her to handle, she knows it would all go away if she could just get a girlfriend. But her angry demeanor and unapproachable disposition has ruined her chances.

She can count all the girls she’s been able to deal with enough to actually like on one hand.

There was Bridget, her first real crush last year, who lead Kate on, but unlike Kate, was actually in love with her best friend Emma and started dating her, leaving Kate somewhat heartbroken. There were two good things that came from Bridget though: her gay awakening and her best friend Chess. Two unrelated things, but both important nonetheless.

There was Mallory from English who was so straight that it actually caused Kate to stop crushing on her. She was attracted to Mallory’s intelligence, she always had the best analysis for whatever they were reading, but ultimately dropped the idea when Mallory started dating the heartthrob of the school.

And there was Samantha, the bubbly girl she met at a week-long art exposition, who lived on the other side of the country. The girl felt like a breath of fresh air to Kate after being stuck in the same town for all of her life. She had a crush for a week, and then she left for home.

That’s it.

It’s not that Kate doesn’t find more than three girls attractive, it’s just that their personality is the overwhelmingly important factor for her. She feels like she’s already met everyone she’s gonna meet. The kids at Giles Corey High School have been in school together practically since Kindergarten. By the time she’s a junior in high school she accepts she’s never going to like any Tiger enough to date her.

Kate is getting dinner with Chess as she laments over her situation.

“There is a very good chance that all aspects of my life will improve if I had a girlfriend.”

“How do you figure that, Kate?” Chess asks with an amused grin.

“One, I’d have a girlfriend.” Kate says as if it were obvious, making Chess chuckle.

“Two, Cairo would stop insinuating that we’re dating.”

“Don’t let her get to you Kate, it’s not her fault she’s projecting onto you.”

“You know actually I think all our lives would improve if Cairo would finally admit she’s in love with Riley. She needs to get over the repressed lesbian bullshit already it’s been literally eight years.”

Next to them, one of the busgirls laughs at the anecdote as she’s cleaning one if the tables. Kate gives her some serious side-eye for eavesdropping.

Trying to get her friend to alleviate her death stare, Chess asks, “Are there any more points to your list?”

“Ah yes,” Kate perks up as the idea comes back to her mind, “Three, my parents would stop trying to tell me being gay is just a phase.”

Chess gives her friend the pity face to which Kate just rolls her eyes. Their conversation is interrupted by the waitress coming over.

“What can I get for you girls?” Kate and Chess come to Toni's Pizza after practice every Thursday so the waiter should be very familiar with the pair by now, but they go through this routine every time.

“We’ll have a large Hawaiian pizza with two root beers please,” Chess says with a smile. Kate thinks that pineapple on pizza is absolutely atrocious, but she told Bridget she liked it because it’s Bridget’s favorite and Kate was a useless baby gay. Bridget and Emma ordered it when they first introduced Chess to Kate and it’s far too late to correct herself now.

“Oh…” is all the waiter says as he goes to put in their order, clearly judging their order as he does every week. Same buddy, same, is all Kate thinks but instead she leans in towards Chess and says, “He acts like we haven’t ordered the same exact thing every Thursday for the past year.”

“Leave him alone Kate, it’s not his job to memorize the regulars’ orders.”

“It’d save a lot of time though.” The waiter returns with their root beers in bottles, and as much as Kate would never admit it, she likes her pop best like that. It makes her feel like an adult even though she’s too scared to drink alcohol. She takes a few sips and starts to blow into the bottle. She manages to get a steady sound out of it and starts playing a random rhythm.

“Do you have to do this every time?” Chess says to her friend staring her down as she continues to blow into the bottle.

“Obviously,” Kate says, but stops her incessant root beer music.

Just as Kate is about to continue telling her single life sorrows to Chess, the busgirl comes over.

“So I couldn’t help but overhear your story-“

“Yeah I noticed,” Kate says with a glare. The girl hesitates for a moment but continues, “Um, I think I have a solution.”

Kate really doesn’t want the unsolicited advice of a stranger, but she’s so desperate that she figures she could at least hear her out.

“So, my friend Eva, she’s a delivery girl, just broke up with her girlfriend and needs to save face at Homecoming so you two could totally just go together to get everyone off your back,” the busgirl looks extremely proud of her plan, and if she’s being perfectly honest, Kate’s not completely opposed to it.

Kate did recognize the name Eva though, since her family often ordered delivery from Toni's Kate would get their pizza (without pineapples) from the girl with the rainbow button on her jacket. Kate did notice that the girl was really attractive, and hoped the button meant more than just a rainbow, but wouldn’t let herself think about a complete stranger like that.

Friends all leave you eventually, Bridget did, so the less friends you have and the more people you distance yourself from the better.

Kate realizes that she’s been sitting thinking in silence for a little bit too long.

“Just until Homecoming?”

“Yeah. By then both if you will have made your point, ooh hang on gimme a sec,” the girl runs off and quickly returns with a piece of paper. “Write down your number. I’ll call her after she gets out of cheer practice and explain everything to her.”

“Eva is a cheerleader too?” Chess asks genuinely as Kate scribbles down her phone number.

“Mhm she’s the highest ranked flyer in the state. Are you guys cheerleaders?” Kate resists the urge to sarcastically grab the draw string bags that both her and Chess have on their chairs that say “Tigers Cheerleading” and lets Chess respond.

“Yup we go to Giles Corey.”

“Oh sorry,” the girl says, “I didn’t mean it like that it's just we go to West High and well, you know your team is kinda ass but I’ve seen you guys cheer and you’re good.” Kate may already know that they’re the worst team ever, but only she’s allowed to trash the Tigers.

“Great thanks for the idea,” Kate abruptly hands the paper to the girl, “bye,” she says with a little, somewhat patronizing, shooing motion.

Though the busgirl might already annoy the shit out of Kate, she wonders what Eva is like. If she goes through with this insane plan with someone she just barely knows what will she feel like by the end? What if Eva grows on me, Kate wonders but stops herself. She won’t let it get that far. They can pretend to be dating but she doesn’t need another friendship outside of that. If Eva somehow agrees to her friend’s plan, Kate won’t let them get close because that’s just how you get hurt.

“Earth to Kate… hello?” Chess waves her hand in front of Kate’s face. “Oh my God you’re actually considering this aren’t you?” Chess says.

“I mean-” Chess cuts her off with an amused laugh, “At first I thought 'Kate would never do something like this', but now I’m seeing how gay and desperate you are.”

“Think about it Chess, it’d be so nice for Cairo to stop teasing us all practice for once.”

“I tune her out, don’t you?”

“How can I she’s so incessantly loud. Also my parents would finally get off my back if they thought I was dating someone.”

“Do they still say you can’t be gay because you’ve never been in any relationship?”

“Yeah,” Kate says sadly as she puts her arms and head down on the table.

“That’s a big oof buddy.”

“I know. I’m just going wait and see if Eva even texts me before I do or say anything.”

Chess nods as the waiter brings their pizza. The rest of the dinner goes by relatively quickly, except for when Kate has to resist gagging to swallow the pineapple, and soon enough Chess is dropping off Kate at her house.

“You know you’re gonna have to get your license someday. I’m not gonna be here to drive you around forever,” Chess says to the shorter girl.

“Why would you remind me of that?” Kate says as she gets out of the car.

“Sorry bud, I don’t wanna leave you either but we have to accept that I’m going to college at some point,” Chess says through her window.

“I don’t have to accept it if I don’t think about it.”

“Hey look at me,” Kate was staring at the ground, but slowly looks up to Chess, “You’re my best friend. We’re always gonna be us no matter what, ok?” Chess holds out her arm with her half of their matching bracelets. Kate puts her own arm on top of Chess's so their bracelets align as they smile at each other and Kate backs away from the car.

"I'll see you tomorrow," Chess says as she pulls out of the driveway.

Kate just nods as she makes her way to her front door. She know no matter what Chess thinks right now, the truth is that they’ll grow apart. It happened when her oldest sister got married, when her older brother got a job overseas, and when Bridget went away to school. Why would this time be any different?

Kate forgets about her Eva situation as she gets ready for bed and attempts to read her book, but is too preoccupied mourning the loss of Chess even though it hasn’t happened yet. That is until she’s lying in the darkness and her phone lights up.