#finally the happy gay i hopes for but didn't know if i'd get

[ghost-of-diogenes]

Righteous Gemstones, season 3, episode 8. 25:23.

It feels weird to win, and to have done so two times in a row

[anxious-witch]

Okay, absolutely not a diss at the original post about Edwin's attraction to men being treated as punishment because all the men that have feelings for him hurt him and Charles, who he loves not feeling the same. It's a valid analysis and I absolutely see what op meant but but I wanted to expand on it in a more hopeful way, because I do feel like the show is, at it's core, a hopeful one, but I also didn't wanna like. Derail the post with this in a reblog so here is a separate one.

Yes, Simon sacrified him to a demon, the Cat King trapped him and consequently left him vulnerable to danger there and Monty betrayed him, but have they not also helped him face who he is? Regardless of if you think of them as villians or not, they showed him things he wanted. If Edwin left Port Townsend as soon as they were done with the case, he would have remained more or less unchanged, but would that truly have left him better off?

Moreso, Edwin changed them. Cat King realized at the end that he cannot keep Edwin unless Edwin wants to stay. That loneliness is not cured by forcing one to stay by your side, but rather by sharing a companionship. Monty realized that even if Edwin did not love him the same way, he cared for him and if circumstances were different, their friendship could have blossomed into something else too. He showed Monty that he can have thoughts and feelings outside of Esther. Hell, even if the Cat King didn't show up, it seemed like Monty was going to give up his plan to betray Edwin. Because he loved him, in the best way he knew how, in that moment. Simon by forgiving him, and letting him finally accept himself so he can move on, and Edwin realized being gay doesn't have to be a punishment. He said so himself. That the one thing that keeps them in hell, in true hell is them thinking it's a punishment.

And Charles? Charles who went to Hell for Edwin, who defied the story so ancient and powerful and got Edwin out of Hell? No matter if they end up as endgame or not, have they not already proven this is not a tragedy? This is not a punishment? If he didn't love Edwin, he would have never turned back, but he did. If it was a punishment, Edwin would have been taken again. But instead, they got out and they stayed together.

What I am trying to say is, yes, there is pain and there is hurt, but which relationship doesn't have that? Who didn't have a friend, a lover, a parent, hurt them in one way or another? That doesn't mean there was no love there, simply that that love needs more adjusting. And they all changed and began adjusting to fit a new situations and relationships they found themselves in. And I feel like, if this was a straight story, it would be exactly that.

Yes, Edwin still has a long way to go and I sincerely hope he gets his happy ending, whichever love interest he ends up choosing, but I don't think even know, this is the story of someone being tortured for being queer. It's a story of a bunch of people learning how to be who they truly are, and making mistakes all the while. But that's okay. Because they grow from it. And isn't that beautiful, in it's own way?

Simon, the bully who actually fancies the MC, Cat King, an older, more experienced guy who sees something special in the MC for the first time, Monty, the first, sweet romance that everyone wants but that doesn't end the way you expected. And of course, the best friend that has been "the one" this whol time. Those are all pretty common romance trope. We just rarely see them all together, and with some tweaking, but I'd say they make them more hopeful because that.

That's why I don't see "Love is a punishment for not having been strong enough to remain alone." as true for this particular media. Because it isn't-it's a learning experience that changes you. Perhaps not always pleasant, but we all must grow. Not even ghosts can stay unchanged.

[curlyjohnlock]

Hi,

I'm new to this. I'm genuinely curious how johnlock fandom happened. I watched sherlock and didn't notice any chemistry between them. I'm just trying to understand. And how do you feel about Ben and Martin not liking each other in real life? Thanks.

Hello anon!

The Johnlock fandom was born long before BBC Sherlock aired. I think there was a speculation about them in the late 1800s but, obviously, talking about homosexuals was out of the question at the time. But the ship took off in 2010, when it all started.

I have met several people in the fandom who told me they didn't notice anything romantic between the two at first viewing, but then they had to change their minds with rewatches.

Now, it must be said that the characters themselves constantly imply that the two of them behave like a couple.

1. Mrs Hudson

From the first moment, in A Study in Pink, she believes that Sherlock has brought his new 'boyfriend' home.

In The Empty Hearse, she can't believe that John is now engaged to a woman.

"So soon after Sherlock?"

"Hmm... well, yes."

"What's his name?"

"It's a woman."

"A wOmAn?!?" and then she laughs. She sounds rather incredulous, perhaps believing he is moking her.

"You really have moved on, haven't you?"

2. Mycroft

Nobody knows Sherlock better than Mycroft. In A Study in Pink, when he meets John for the first time, he says: "Might we expect a happy announcement by the end of the week?" and literally Sherlock and John met the DAY BEFORE! Why would Mycroft bother stalking a poor army doctor if he doesn't believe that Sherlock could be attracted to him? 🤷🏼‍♀️

In The Final Problem, Mycroft already knew that Sherlock would sacrifice him and save John. Sherlock loves John more than Mycroft, AND HE'S HIS OWN BROTHER!

3. Angelo [the restaurant owner in A Study in Pink (although I prefer the one in the Unaired Pilot, better known as the Gay Pilot)].

Angelo has known Sherlock for years, and why would he make Sherlock attractive to John? "Hey, you know this macho guy got me out of prison?" "OH! Wait! I'll get you a phallus candle, that'll be very romantic. 🥰😍😛"

4. Donovan

In The Great Game, when Sherlock finds the abandoned car, Donovan says to John: "I see you're still hanging around him. Opposites attract, I suppose."

This one may not be the best example, but it's worth including.

5. Irene Adler

My God that woman. She's in love with Sherlock, and that's fine. Who wouldn't fall in love with Sherlock or his brain? But she also knows that Sherlock only has his heart set on John. In A Scandal in Belgravia, when they go to her house, she immediately says to Sherlock: "And somebody loves you. If I had to punch that face, I'd avoid your nose and teeth too."

Then, when John goes to Battersea and meets her, she asks: "Are you jealous?"

"We're not a couple."

"Yes, you are."

Again, she met them for literally 3 minutes and immediately realised it!

6. Mary

Mary should hate Sherlock to death (and I'm still convinced that she never liked Sherlock).

What was that proverb again? Respect the owner's dog for your own sake. It means: like the dog to please the owner. Or something like that.

In this case, the owner is John and the dog is Sherlock. It's obvious that at a certain point Mary starts shipping them, almost as if she doesn't really care about John.

7. Magnussen

In His Last Vow, Magnussen meets Sherlock and John for a few minutes, and immediately tells them: "You two are sooo domesticated." Later in the episode, he tells Sherlock that John is "your damsell in distress."

I hope this was exhaustive from Johnlock's point of view! Maybe try looking at it from another point of view and rewatch the whole serie. At that point, if you're still not convinced, it's okay, anon, we don't bite!

Moving on to Benedict and Martin... we all know that Martin has a particular character and that he has trouble getting along with literally anyone, but I don't believe the newspapers. They are journalists, they HAVE to cause a SCANDAL!! Otherwise no one would read them. They take sentences from a completely different context and pass them off as true. Take for example when it was said that Benedict had called Martin 'pathetic.'

There is a video of this interview. The presenter asked Benedict to drink tea the way Martin drinks it, Benedict imitates him and then says 'pathetic', but it is not strictly intended to refer to Martin.

I know for a fact that Martin took it out on Benedict when he got married to Sophie Hunter, just because he didn't invite Martin to his wedding. On the same day, Amanda reported Martin's tantrums on twitter!!! 🤣🤣

Anyway! Even if the rumors were true, it doesn't matter. It's their problem, not ours.

Yes, it may upset us as fans, but these two are real people in the real life.

I'll conclude with this. If you have any other questions, feel free to contact me again! And anyone is welcome to comment on this or ask me anything. 👋🏻

[secretkittywolf]

Fairy Tail ships I ship

(I don't own any of the fanart used. Credit to the original creators)

Nalu

They're so cute!!!

I adore these two so much. I hope that they become cannon in the 100yr Quest (if they haven't already since I haven't read it)

Nali

Besties for life!

They have such a cute brother-sister relationship and Natsu was so happy when the Edolas Lisanna was his best friend. Such a cute platonic pairing.

Gruvia

I love them!!!

I love their relationship so much. At first, Gray couldn't stand Juvia but he soon realised how much she cared and how much he cared for her. The whole Juvia vs Gray fight in the finale made me cry, especially when they killed themselves because they didn't want to kill the other QwQ

Gajevy

They're ship is so cute and gradual and I love it.

Yes, Gajeel did hurt her and chain her to a tree when they first met, but he's shown and proven to her how much he's changed. Their love is beautiful and I love them.

LoLu

I have to admit, I did ship them at first, but it's more platonic than romantic now. Still a cute ship tho.

Romeo & Wendy

Another platonic pairing. It's cute but I don't ship them romantically.

Sky Sisters

They have such a cute friendship!

I adore the Sky Sisters friendship and I want to see more of them! I also heard that these two could be cannon, which I'd would love to know if it's true or not. So yeah, ship them platonically and romantically.

Elfgreen

I want more of these two!!!

I want to see more of Elfman and Evergreen so badly. The tsundere and the big strong guy is so cute and the scenes in GMG were so cute.

Miraxus

I'd love to see more of them since I ship them platonically at the moment.

Freeuxus

I love these two idiots.

Freed adores Laxus and the dragon slayer obviously has a soft spot for Freed.

Stingue

Light and dark. Sun and moon. Introvert and extrovert etc. I ship them so much!!!!!!

StingYu

He's the reason why she's still a part of Sabertooth!

Sting really cares for Yukino and they're so cute together!

Graylu

Another platonic pairing I love.

They're a couple of sillies and I need more of them being idiots.

Zervis

Their whole relationship is both cute and sad.

Mavis cursed herself accidentally and now they're immortal together. I love them

Cancer x Gray (Gracer??? Ig??)

Why is this the only image of these two together?!

I need more Gracer! (Sounds better than Cray doesn't it?) The whole danceoff was gay af and since I'm a multishipper, I ship them.

Bicksanna

The fandom made me ship them. The fandom made me realise just how cute these two are.

Mirerza

Rivals to best friends, I love them so much. I also ship them romantically on occasion as well.

Grayza

Both platonically and romantically, these two are cute.

Benefits of being a multishipper!

Bisca x Alzack

They're cute and they're cannon!!!

Seeing them in Edolas together was adorable and I'm glad in the cannon universe they also get together.

Ulter & Meredy

Sisters.

They have a sister relationship and I love it. I don't see them as anything else but sisters

Meredy & Juvia

Adorable. They became such good friends and I want more of their friendship. Please gimme more!!!!

CanLu

I think these two are quite cute together.

I'd love to see more of their friendship!

ErLu

Read a fanfic once of these two and I love them together!

The princess and her knight in shining armour!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAA!!!! I ship them so much!!!!!!

Gratsu

They always make me laugh. I ship them both platonically and romantically.

Natsu & Erza

I adore the brother-sister relationship they have.

Erza is the big sister having to keep chaotic younger brother Natsu under control (even tho Natsu is older)

[satureja13]

Sai just returned to his and Jeb's quarters after his shift - when Jeb stepped out of the bathroom... Uh...

And since the Romantium is permeating the atmosphere in the ship, attraction pulled them towards each other. Like the opposite poles of a (very strong) magnet.

And even though Sai has connection to all the internets and games in the galaxy now, he's still reading a lot of gay romance books. He tasted blood and he wants more. He really wants to finally - fully - get claimed by Jeb. And it's time to tell him. Sai, breathless from kissing Jeb breathless: "Jeb - claim me. Please. Let's finally do it."

But Jeb retreated. Keeping him an armlength away. Jeb: "Vanië. I can't hurt you. I told you. The... the others told you too." Sai: "But what does that even mean? We are never going to woohoo? They said it doesn't hurt." Jeb: "Not them. Vlad isn't that... big..." Sai: "But Kiyoshi is." Jeb: "Jack is a werewolf and the Super Soldier. He can take... eh - him. But you..."

Sai: "I will never loose my virginity then?" Jeb: "There... there is a way. If you'd top me." Sai: "What are you even saying?! No way! You are the pestle to my mortar! You are supposed to claim me! I'm not that fragile!" (More in -> this post, under the cut. And -> here)

The Romantium is really giving it's best here, but it seems its labours are lost in space with these two right now. Ever since Sai heard that Jeb does not want to hurt him, he thought that just was some romantic statement - and not some cruicial issues...

Jeb: "Vanië. It's not that I don't want to - I can't. When I wasn't able to rescue - the kids, I was devastated. So broken and ashamed that I hid under that bag for two years. And... and when I heard it was you - you and Jack *Jeb tears up* I swore I'd never let you get hurt again. When I think of - eh 'claiming you', hurting you - he just goes..." Sai was staring at Jeb. This can't be real.

Well, that definitely blew the poor AC's fuses and it coughed out a last puff of Romantium... There's only so much it can do and Jeb and Sai brought it to its utter limits.

It's physical? Psychosomatic? Jeb is so traumatized, he really can't claim Sai... isn't physically able to? Even if he wanted? And Sai can't even tell Jeb how much he hurt him with these words. It would only break him further. They always say, in space, no one hears you scream...

(I know we have other issues atm, but here you can see how huge Great A'Tuin II is.)

But...

Sai's heart is broken. All hope is gone. Jeb suggested they could do anything else then, just like before. But Sai still just stared unbelievingly at him. Then Jeb cried. And said he was sorry. So, so sorry. He even said Sai should look for someone else, someone who would make him happy. But how can he do that? He loves Jeb. There will never be anyone else than Jeb for Sai. Dammit. Even Jack got laid - JACK! And Sai will never know how it is to see the stars. Like in the books he loves to read.

'The scars of your love remind me of us They keep me thinkin' that we almost had it all The scars of your love, they leave me breathless I can't help feeling We could've had it all Rolling in the deep You had my heart inside of your hand And you played it to the beat'

Rolling in the Deep - Adele I've always loved this song but just right now I saw the MV for the first time and it's incredible! A piece of art. Totally worth a watch.

Outtakes

Poor Sai, still in shock.

And, as promised, Jack fetching ingredients for the Ambrosia from the fancy fridge in the captain's quarters ^^'

Sai didn't even wanted to ask but any distraction from his misery is welcome right now: "What are you doing here?"

Jack: "Just fetching ingredients for the Ambrosia from the fancy fridge." Sai: "..."

TMI: While we already know how tall they are, maybe you wondered about their size? We learned that Jeb has the biggest, followed by Kiyoshi, who's is not that much shorter. Then, surprisingly (or not, since he's the Super Soldier, after all ^^') Jack. Then Vlad, Saiwa and Ji Ho. But even though Ji Ho's is the shortest, they all agree he has the most beautiful of them all. Followed by Sai's :3

🍆

From the Beginning 🔱 Underwater Love 🔱 Latest

Current Chapter: starts ▶️ here Last Chapter: 'Here comes the Sun' from the beginning ▶️ here

📚 Previous Chapters: Chapters: 1-6 ~ 7-12 ~ 13-16 ~ 23-29

[littlyamadeus]

Okay NOW I finished the finale.

Didn't know they gave us two ep, like I said I can be too dumb.

Agatha All Along Spoiler Ahead

GHOST AGATHA HELL YEAH

My friend and I watched together and like every minute with her we were just laughing and begging to see her like this in other productions.

And honestly, I am so happy they managed to turn into original "Crone" Agatha look. This was so clever of them, and Kathryn Hahn- Just gorgeous, perfect, everything I ever wanted.

Also, can I just add that- like before the break up, did you notice how soft Rio looked? And then Agatha never forgave her and BOOM! We got the edgy, witchy, goth, green witch.

Which, honestly mood. You are death for god's sake and the only living thing you ever loved in your whole cosmical existence never *forgive you* for her son's death.

I'd be all emo too.

AND DRUM ROLLSSSSSS

WE GONNA GET THE WHOLE FAMILY GUYS, almost. The gay brother, the speedster brother, depressed mom AND sassy aunt!!! I am not counting Vis for now because we still need his emotions but cannot wait for him to join too. I hope, at least. I don’t know I am conflicter about him.

ANYWAYS

I think as Wanda fans, we won this year. I fucking cannot wait for Wanda and Agatha to bicker with each other all the time!!!

And I need a fucking family dinner moment with them.

[italianhomosexuality]

you don't have to know what to say or what to think on ao3

The first time it happens, it's an honest mistake.

(The times after that are also honest mistakes, but Nico feels like he should've known better.)

He's been working really, really hard to learn American Sign Language. After his three days in the infirmary, after working night after night, talking to Mr. D, struggling to learn how to open up to other people and how to finally be a 15-year-old teenager who tries his best to not let his lifelong trauma get to him too much, Nico di Angelo had become close friends with one Will Solace.

He'd never thought he'd be able to have a friendship with someone like Will. Someone who didn't take shit from anyone—he made sure to make that clear—, but was doting and cared for everyone else, sometimes a little too much. Someone who was as bright as the sun itself, who could light stars in the sky just by smiling, who could coax Nico's fears out of him and make him feel equal, not judged.

Someone who Nico could see himself loving.

Okay, and, woah, that might be a little too far, but was he wrong? He was finally allowing himself to feel hope after The Incident (mental trademark), letting himself have friends and a crush that didn't feel like ripping his insides apart and stir-frying them for dinner. So what if Nico's eyes lingered a little too long on the way Will's hair glowed against the infirmary's emergency lights?

(“Nico, when the siren rings and lights up, you stop everything and you go help!”, Kayla had yelled at him the first time it happened. He only felt death in the air after Will finally started running after the patient.

It was that bad.)

Who could blame him, then, for wanting to learn the language the boy he liked felt more comfortable with? Will had assured him that he did just fine with English, that his Cabin Nine hearing aids worked more than perfectly, but Nico had seen the way he got excited whenever he got to sign with someone. There were a few Deaf demigods around camp and Will knew every single one of them. Sometimes, he would sign while speaking, and it made Nico's Italian self happy because hand gestures! Then it made Nico's gay self happy because Will's hands, oh my gods, and then Nico wanted to learn how to make Will's face light up like that.

So, he learned. He got familiar with the computer in the Big House, watching YouTube videos on the matter, practicing in the mirror, going up to other campers who were signers and fighting social anxiety like his life depended on it. He had nailed most stuff by week three. The power of hyperfixations.

He did it all hiding from Will, of course. It was meant to be a surprise. He would walk up to Will, sign something, and Will would be like, “Nico, I didn't know you signed!”, so Nico would reply, “I learned just for you!”, and they'd hold hands and kiss and skip into the sunset.

A guy can dream, right?

“Hey, Nico!” Will yells out from the infirmary steps. “I'm done with my shift. Wasn't expectin' to see you here.”

Gods, his accent is so cute.

“I just thought I'd stop by, see how you were doing,” says Nico, preparing himself mentally for what comes next. “I have a surprise for you, actually.”

“Oh, you do?” Will gives his side-tooth smile, the one he does when he's excited for something he doesn't want to show excitement over.

Nico takes a deep breath.

“Food-you-want?” He signs, slowly but surely. “Me-hungry.”

Will blinks.

“Do that again.”

A warm feeling bubbles up in Nico's chest. Embarrassment, adoration, nervousness, teenage crush? He doesn't really know. He only knows that Will's cheeks look flushed and his voice is barely above a whisper, a tone Nico doesn't get to hear often, so of course he signs his sentence again. He'd do anything Will asks for.

“Do the last sign again.”

“Hum,” Nico starts, feeling a little off. He signs it again, anyway, placing his hand shaped like a C in front of his torso, following a line from the center of his collarbones down to the middle of his chest, then vice-versa. “It means 'hungry'... Right?”

Will takes a deep breath, face redder than Nico's ever seen.

“It means 'hungry' when you do the movement once,” he explains, carefully, doing the sign. The same handshape and movement Nico did, but just once, from the collarbone to the middle of his chest. “When you do the movement twice… It means something else.”

“What does it mean?”

They stare at each other. Nico's eyes are wide. Will's eyes are so blue. Nico would pay more attention to the blue if he weren't so preoccupied with—

“It means 'horny'. You signed, I'm horny.”

—With running away.

☀️🤟🏻⭐️

The second time it happens, Nico is still embarrassed by the first one.

Maybe it had been his fault to not pay a lot of attention when the online video he was watching went over the five parameters of ASL. But it wasn't entirely his fault the two signs were so similar, right? Will assured him afterwards—after he found Nico and after a few awkward laughs—that it was a very, very common mistake. The signs were really similar, after all. Nothing wrong with admitting that.

Still, Nico couldn't help but feel his face heat up every time he remembered that day. He'd told his crush he was horny. Unwillingly, sure, but it was sort of true! Nico was still accepting what being horny meant, but he knew that, even in the mildest sense of the word, he was horny for Will. Embarrassing, but honest.

So now, they were hanging out in the Hades' cabin, just the two of us and a bunch of DVDs they'd stolen from the Apollo cabin and Chiron's stash in the Big House. A mix of old rom-coms, sci-fi, noir, and historical dramas, limitless options, but they still argued over what to watch.

Nico suggested, finally, Back to the Future. Will adjourned his case.

As Will walks back from the DVD player, having put the disk in there, Nico takes a deep breath.

“You-eat-want-what?” he signs, going over each sign in his head like a mantra. He does not need a repeat of last time. Then, he raises his eyebrows, signing, “Pizza?”

Will goes as red as a tomato in the face.

“N-No, I'm good,” Will stutters, fanning himself like Hazel does when she's shocked. “Not hungry.” 

“You just came back from a 12-hour shift,” Nico deadpans.

“Let's just watch the movie.”

So Nico is taken back to nights at the Lotus Hotel, when they would have movie nights and play Back to the Future in a loop. Marty McFly might have been his first boy crush. Briefly, he imagined Will in a costume like that for Halloween. But, for now, they're doing just fine, thighs close enough to touch, Will's hand nearly making its way to Nico's scalp for some good head scratches, and life is good.

Sooner than Nico would've liked, it's curfew time. The DeLorean is long gone, and Will is rising up to his feet, stretching, his shirt riding up, and Nico sees the sliver of skin, with a little of hair on his navel, and, oh, gods, he shouldn't be seeing this, but Will is really handsome, and—

“Walk me out?” he says, sweet as ever, and Nico can't say no.

“I had a good time,” says Nico, leaning on the door panel. The moonlight makes Will's hearing aids glimmer.

“Me too,” Will replies, smiling. “The infirmary today was as excitin' as a mashed-potato san'which, good Lord.”

His accent got thicker the more tired he got, just like Nico's.

“Good-night,” Nico signs. “Sleep-good, you.”

Will's eyes linger on Nico's hands, then on his face. His expression is unreadable. It seems… fond? Happy? Nico doesn't know. He just knows he wants that big smile.

“By the way, Nico,” Will starts, voice a little serious, “this is how you sign 'pizza'.”

He goes through the motions. It's just fingerspelling, Nico notices. P-i-z-z-a.

Nico furrows his brows. “What did I sign?”

“You signed…” Will takes a deep breath. “You asked me if I wanted to eat, uh, the… The female genitalia.”

Nico slams the door so hard he doesn't know how Will keeps all of his teeth and nose intact.

☀️🤟🏻⭐️

The third time it happens, Nico is just plain tired.

He had been on a week-long trip for his father, working on some old business in Louisiana, fighting the occasional monster that came his way and shadow-traveling out of danger—no longer to an inch of his life because he didn't want to make Will worry about him. His clothes are a mess, his hair is greasy, there's soil built up under his fingernails, he hasn't had an actual meal in days, and he's exhausted to say the least.

After showering, eating, and bed-rotting any leftover worries away, he sleeps for fifteen hours straight. He wakes up still exhausted, though a little less, so he walks up to the infirmary since he has nothing better to do. Might as well get a check-up while he's there.

“Good morning, Sunshine,” he says to the head of blond hair when he sees it.

“Good afternoon, di Angelo,” Will replies, looking ready to tackle any challenge, bloody or non-human, that comes his way in his combination of scrubs, cargo shorts, and Jesus sandals. “You look like you're near 'bout past goin'.”

Nico doesn't know what he's saying, but shrugs anyway. “I'm tired.” Then, he signs, “Me-tired. Coffee, me-need.”

Will smirks.

“All you had to do was ask, Death Boy,” he replies, amused, and Nico lights up.

“You have coffee?” He doesn't know why Will looks so smug about coffee, in a way he's never looked before, but he lets himself be led to the infirmary kitchen, watches Will drape over the Nespresso machine, churning out a nice cup of pure, slightly-processed espresso.

The smell is enough to make Nico's eyes open a little more.

“Also,” Will says, putting his doughnut down by the table, still smirking for reasons unknown, “the sign for 'coffee' goes like this.”

He demonstrates. Nico barely follows, focused on taking a sip from his coffee.

“You signed, I need to make-out. You've gotta pay more attention, di Angelo, or— oh, my gods, Nico, breathe! You're gonna burn your throat! Nico!”

☀️🤟🏻⭐️ 

Nico is tired of failing.

It's not like he's failed-failed. Will has been more than helpful, willing to show him the ropes and correct his signs, and they've actually spent more time with the other Deaf campers, practicing and practicing. Nico is still fighting the flush that decorates his cheeks whenever he signs with someone else, but he's getting there. Anything for that megawatt Will Solace smile.

So, on the Fourth of July, as they're watching the fireworks, Will takes his hearing aids off, saying the noise makes it hurt. Nico gets a little antsy, but shakes it off, and would rather focus on the way the red, white, and blue from the sky makes Will's freckles change colors, too.

And he looks so good tonight. He ditched his usual medic attire for something still Will, a white tank top, denim shorts, an American flag bandana to keep his curls out of his eyes and flip-flops. Nico dressed similarly, but in a black t-shirt and black shorts, black socks and black sneakers. No bandana; only Will can pull it off.

The tank-top is low cut enough that Nico can see his tattoo peeking out. Gods, he's so beautiful, he thinks to himself, lost in thought he almost misses the way Will is waving his hand in front of Nico's face.

“Hi,” Will signs. “Here, fun.”

Nico nods.

“Confess-me,” Will signs. It's a closed fist by his sternum, opening outwards, like he's pulling something out of his chest. Nico translates it to, I need to tell you something, then nods again. Will takes a deep breath. “Me-like-you. Me-like-like-you.”

Nico's breath is stolen. He doesn't know where it went. He doesn't know what's going on. Off in the distance, someone whoops loudly and a group of campers cheer, but he can only focus on the opaque thump of the fireworks and his own heartbeat increasing pace against his chest. Will is staring at him, blue eyes like the sky, like the bandana, like the prettiest gemstone one could conjure.

“Sign-you-learn. Why? Me. Special-you. Me-like-you, why? You.” When he points at Nico, the final 'you', he does a flourish, like he's honoring Nico. You learned sign for me. You're special. I like you because you're you.

Nico feels words bubbling up in his throat, but doesn't let himself say anything. Instead, he moves his hands like he's practiced so many times in front of the mirror before.

“Me-like-you. Long-how? Long. Favorite-person, you-mine. Date-you, I want.”

I've liked you for a long time. You're my favorite person. I'd like to date you.

With that, he finally gets a megawatt Will Solace smile.

[readytoplaygod]

how'd you and Jonas meet and start dating? Who asked who out first and what attracted you to him?

I'll be brief. So back in 2015/2016, we'd started following each other on Instagram. We didn't talk much then, outside of him occasionally asking me to come to Comedy Attic and maybe see one of his shows. My boyfriend at the time hated standup comedy, so I never went. Mind you, I love stand-up, and did eventually go to a show there with some other friends and had a blast.

Fast forward to 2018. I am freshly graduated from college and am kind of listless staying in town. My job plans didn't workout (which is honestly a godsend. I don't think I could stand to work in liability and claims at GEICO), so I was staying in Bloomington and keeping busy working at a museum, an Auditorium, and a hair salon doing custodial work. My boss at the hair salon was also paying me to workout with him and also help him with yardwork at his house and maybe even be friends with him (?). Idk, it was an odd time, but ultimately I'd also been lonely. A large portion of my friends had graduated and moved, my brothers hadn't yet established themselves fully in town, so I was looking to meet people.

One night, I'd gone to the Backdoor to hangout. It's our local gay bar, and I didn't know at the time, but apparently they host the after party for the Limestone Comedy Festival every year. It's a huge event that brings in comedians from all over the US. I got to meet Bob the Drag Queen a couple years ago after Jonas had hosted when Bob was headling; it's a fun time. Anyway, I was hanging out on the patio sitting on the railing when Jonas comes out of the bar. We recognize each other and say that it's nice to finally meet, and hope we're each having a good night. Nothing much beyond that, but he seemed very nice and sweet and had a great smile.

I'd dated around a little bit, but nothing was really coming of it and I was also still getting over an ex from earlier that year. I wasn't in the mindset for a relationship. In any case, I get a message from Jonas over Grindr just saying that it was nice seeing me the other night, and asking if I'd like to get half-priced wine at Uptown. They used to have a deal for it on Mondays. I wasn't a huge fan of wine - I thought it was a scam by rich people to just seem cultured - but I was into the idea of at least making friends. I was nervous, but went in with an open mind.

I don't dress up a ton. I think I was wearing my favorite Jean colored button up and some other jeans. He's sitting at the bar by the time I arrive, and the pre-Olympics are playing on the TV. Track and field, so lots of running and jumping. Conversation with Jonas is easy. He's kind, funny, and we have some similar interests and outlook on things. It's a fun hangout as we split a bottle of wine. I believe it was a white, but can't recall if it was dry or sweet. Just that I was savoring my time with him.

He and I lived roughly on the same street - I further up the road than him - so we walk in the same direction as we leave. It's a nice summer evening, so people are out and walking and it feels peaceful. We get stopped a couple times as it turns out quite a few people know Jonas, so I get to see how he interacts with others and people really like him. We also run into his friend Tom, who has since moved away, but at that time was planning on going to karaoke at the Bluebird. I don't sing publicly, but was happy to join along.

As karaoke was getting started, I remember dancing with Tom for a minute, and then us regrouping as Jonas and him were going to sing a duet. Jonas disputes this, or maybe they sang two songs, but I know for certain they sang "This Kiss" by Faith Hill. Come to find out, Jonas also has a wonderful singing voice. We stay out for a bit longer, have some drinks, but ultimately call it a night. We walk to the corner of the street and say our goodbyes. No hug, no kiss. Just remarking that we had a nice time. I feel very fuzzy inside.

At that time, it'd had kind of felt like people wanted something physical/sexual of me. Other relationships had also been various levels of physical/sexual, so I kind of felt like that was an expectation. But nothing with him. I felt like he just like, well, me. I wanted to see him again.

I let him know I made it home safe, and he's glad to hear it, and I ask when is too soon to see him again. I believe we schedule dinner at his place on Wednesday. We text through the next day or two and he's still charming and lovely. Dinner at his place was great, though all I remember was the crème brûlée he'd made. I sleep over that night, and he falls asleep to Coco. Still nothing physical. He drives me back home the next morning while on his way to work. I just want to keep hanging out with him.

I believe our third date was at the Comedy Attic during the Bloomington Comedy Competition to see who wins funniest person on the scene. Jonas was up that night. I get secondhand embarrassment very easily, so in truth I was worried about what could happen if he wasn't good. He's this incredible guy, but if his comedy is bad, am I gonna have to support that the rest of our relationship? Turns out, my fears were unfounded. He kills that night, and by the end of the summer wins the competition. It was a remarkable first impression.

Ultimately, we just don't stop hanging out. We of course eventually kiss and more, maybe even from that third date, but I just really loved being around him. I'd even texted my brothers one morning when I'd woken up at his place and saw all of his Star Wars stuff and martial arts ranks and belts and was just like "Wow, this guy is cool." Early on, I'd also drawn a few dinosaurs and left him punny little notes ultimately wishing him a good day. Everything continued to grow from there, and now this will be our 6th year together. I'm very lucky to know and be with such a thoughtful, generous, compassionate, open-minded, supportive, and caring person. I could stand to tell him that more.

[lotusarchon]

Might go on a hiatus, but not sure currently. This is an impulsive ass post, and an impulsive ass decision, and I have bad habits of sticking to my plans. For now, yeah, it's in my mind. I might uninstall Tumblr too...

Respectfully, please do not send me any type of ask. The only reason I'm keeping my ask box open is for the aesthetic (cough), but I prefer for it to remain empty until I remove myself from this "hiatus."

Yes, I will still be writing, but overall I'm going to stick to AO3 for the time. Maybe return to Wattpad too but yeah.

tw vent under the cut. not important and not vital so don't feel obliged to read, i just gotta get it out.

I...I've tried, man. I've tried a lot to feel better, and pretend, but it's not. Working. Nothing works.

I..I'm just a really bad person, I think. People are gonna argue, "No, you're not a bad person!" You don't know that. You don't know what I feel inside to think that. I went out of my way to harass someone, on their Twitter and Tumblr, just because I was fucking drunk and upset and lonely. I went out of my way to bother them despite being the one attempting to put distance. I..stressed out, people. Stressed them out, because my behavior was borderline obsessive and holy fuck, seeing that message still hurts because of how right it was.

I'm such. I'm such a bad person. I'm horrible. I fucked up my own relationships, and now I'm never gonna get it back. I'm never gonna be able to talk to that person again because of my own selfish stupid ways and it hurts so bad.

And I'm trying. I'm trying to stop thinking about it, and I'm trying my hardest not to care but I can't. Fucking stop. And it's suffocating and it hurts and I'm so stupid. For everything. Everything hurts, everything really hurts and I just don't know what to do.

I've always been told to talk to a trusted adult. I wish people understood that I can't. The closest to an adult I can trust is myself, and I'm dumb so that's fun.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm trying. I'm not...gonna drown my worries in alcohol again. Definitely not, nor am I gonna try to...overdose, at least. Or cut, owch. Not a fun way to die. Too scary, and waaaay too painful.

I still want to die though. I still feel the need to die. I feel awful. I'm so horrible, I'm so fucking awful. I screw up everything, then I want things back but I can't get it back. Not this time around.

And I just feel like there's just no more point in doing this. Playing this game of live today, wish to die tomorrow. There's no point.

I. I wish I was a better person. I wish I didn't fuck up every single one of my friendships, and hurt the people I care about. I wish I didn't. Exist. I wish I hadn't join Tumblr, because then I wouldn't have met these people, and my life...would be easier. Because I'd be lonely, but at least I was happy.

I'm tired, and I want. To sleep forever. Because at least in my dreams I'm a better person. At least in my dreams, I don't fuck up every thing.

...

I'm not saying I'm gonna actually kill myself yet, though lmfao. They're thoughts but I'm not acting on them.

Not yet, anyway.

I'm gonna be active on my AO3, or try to be, but if I stop posting or don't post, then these are my final words.

You bitches gay. Love y'all though. Hopefully I don't die and I come back to beat you guys up, but eh.

In case I'm not back. Bye bye! Thank you all for the support and niceness. I'm sorry to the ones I've hurt, harassed and annoyed. From the bottom of my heart, I'm super sorry, unintentional or not. I'm sorry. To this one specific person, you're my cool lil bro, and I'm happy to have met you and I hope life gets better for you. And offer my apologies to you know who still, I hope one day they'll forgive me but if not...blegh.

Also I was the number one Erlang fan.

If I come back though, you guys are gay and also I'm beating you all up and there's nothing you can do about it okay byeeeeeeeeeee

[on-a-lucky-tide]

Post-Surgery Day 35 (but three days late)

cw: surgery, bodies, medical

- Good news! The wound separation in my nipple has healed closed and scarred up, and all the scabs are gone. I'm so, so frickin' happy and glad I kept my anxiety in check over it. There were so many times I wanted to pull the scab away and see the damage, or send a billion questions to the surgeon. But I trusted what the nurse told me to do, and it's fine.

- I've been a biiiit naughty with the reaching and the stretching and I've got a bit of a ache in my ribs, like, just beneath the incision? I think it's muscular in that I've obviously been hunched over and fairly stationary while I heal. I figure I'll be getting some physio and exercises after my appointment in a week. The incisions are fine and neat AF, I can't remember whether I mentioned that the part under my arms is already so faint? I thought I'd need to get some tattoos to camouflage it but I don't think I will.

- Still chonk. Sigh.

- I am exhausted after my first week (and a half) back at work. I've been relatively good and not lifting stuff too heavy, or reaching too high. My colleagues have been awesome, and I mean awesome. I've received so many hugs and big smiles; they genuinely missed me, which... I'm actually shocked? I didn't realise how much healing I still have to do in terms of self worth. The damage done by a handful of people a year or so ago has clearly impacted quite deep. But, anyways, people keep coming up to me to tell me their kid is trans or non-binary or gay, or they know someone who is, or their kid's partner is... They are so excited about it.

- I have had one encounter with someone I think has terfy leanings. It was an assessor from a training body we use for our trainee teachers. She kept using my deadname, even though her institution has been updated. Now, I need these teachers to pass so I bit my lip. My headteacher, however, a big Welsh dude, informed her that if she couldn't address his teachers with respect she could leave the premises. I was... shocked. So was she. I was named appropriately for the rest of the day, and when I thanked him later he just said that some people have no class, and ambled off to herd some kids. 🤣

- My driving license came through! That's the second government body that has acknowledged my new name and gender. My bank is sorted too. I'm going to sort out the mortgage (second bank, land registry), the vehicles (car and bike) and my passport. The passport I am worried about because I've reached that they can be picky about the GIC. We'll see.

- I am delivering a conference for the first time tomorrow as myself and I'm actually a little bit nervous? I don't think anything of talking to rooms full of 100s, usually. I'm an expert in my field and that's why I'm there. But. As me now? The person I've had to keep protected and quiet for years? Scary.

- Six more days until my final appointment with my surgeon. I hope I get good grades in healing so I can go back to the gym. :3

[sekhithefops]

Anyone who tells a queer person "Just Move to a Better State" doesn't get it.

So, as some of you know I've got an account on Bluesky, one of the social media websites that arose from the ashes after Elon Musk completely fucked up Twitter beyond how fucked it was even on it's worst day.

Recently I shared this article, hoping to spread some good news to my fellow members of the LGBTQA+ community:

And some smarmy jackass replied with this:

Yeah... anyone who says this is an asshole who doesn't get the realities of these situations.

I grew up in Kentucky. Yes, the state where Mitch "the Lich" McConnell was spawned (we're trying to get rid of him but that asshole hid his phylactery really good okay?) As some of you might guess, my own home state has issues with people who try to push these sorts of laws.

I've been told by others, in the past, to just move to a better state.

I tried it once infact, I moved from the Cincinnati Metropolitan Area (I lived right on the border between Ohio and Kentucky at the time) to another city where I was going to live with a gay couple I met online who were friends with my, at the time, partner.

... you probably see where this is going already, but I'll continue.

The city definitely had a good LGBTQA+ presence, but here's the thing. I stayed there only six months before all but fleeing back to Kentucky.

Why?

Several reasons.

NOBODY wanted to hire "the new kid in town." I had a horrible time finding a job that would satisfy my roommate. They knew I had only worked retail in the past and, at the time, had no college under my belt at all. I tried getting jobs in multiple places. I tried getting hired on as a 911 operator, at several higher end stores, and such. You know where I wound up working? A shitty little Circle K station. It was the ONLY place that would hire me and paid a pittance. I could barely help with bills at all.

My roommate was a judgemental asshole. To quote Sir Terry Pratchett, "Just because someone is part of a minority doesn't mean they can't also be a small minded prick." One of my roommates judged me for EVERYTHING. Nothing I did was good enough, and if he found out something he didn't like he would hang it over my head and never stop giving me shit for it. I hated it. I hated it within weeks of arriving but I didn't want to leave because that would be 'admitting defeat' or some bullshit (it was ten years ago, I forget exactly how I justified it.)

I had to give up all the friends and family I had in the move. The part of the country I moved to was a place that I had never been before. I had no friends there, I had no family there. All I had to rely on was my two roommates. One of them clearly didn't want an extra roommate but went along with it because his boyfriend wanted it (I feel bad for him these days,) the other one... see item 2. This also leads into item four...

Because I had no friends and family there, I had no safety net. Asshole roommate constantly reminded me if I didn't get a 'better job' (and good luck to me on that given the circumstances) I'd be out on my ass, in a totally unfamiliar city. I had no help there besides them and he knew it, and he held that over me every chance he got.

Finally, after six months, I managed to move back in with my mother in Kentucky. This story does have a happy ending though. I wound up splitting up with my at the time partner (who in hindsight really wasn't a good match for me, though I hear they're doing much better these days,) and it was the wake up call I needed to get some college education. That didn't go great, but having even partial college on a resume helped me get a job that was far FAR better than retail work which I've held for over five years now.

I realized too that while Kentucky isn't great on progressiveness as a whole... the part of the state I'm from actually is. We're part of the Cincinnati Metropolitan Area (which basically means "if it wasn't for state lines we'd just be part of Cincinnati") and there's actually a really big LGBTQA+ community around here. These days I see Pride bumper stickers everywhere, and there's several houses nearby with Pride flags as well.

In Kentucky. Yes, that Kentucky.

But my point is... even assuming a person CAN move, it doesn't mean that it'll fix everything. In my case those six months were absolutely hellish despite living with a queer couple in a major city. My life only improved AFTER I moved back to Deep-in-the-Red-State Kentucky. Because the part I'm in has a good community, I have friends and family who support me, I have a good job here, and I have a good life here in spite of what some idiot in the state capitol is up to.

In closing, I have this to say: If you hear someone talking about queer issues in their home state and your first instinct is to tell them to just move to California or New York or some other state... just shut the hell up.

[crystalkitty1220]

You underestimate me, CK. I only have more questions now.

What was Nevin doing to try to save Drew? Is he okay after some of his branches got crushed in the fight? Will he ever manage to come back or is Nevin just deep in denial?

Overall I really like your au, and I’m happy to see you again too! Your monthly posts are always nice.

I don't know what warnings to do this time so I'm just gonna say that if you couldn't read the fic thing, do not proceed. Also because spoilers ig.

First I'd like to reiterate that the second part of that fic thing was very experimental. So nothing about that is certain whatsoever and I was mostly just going for vibes for it, to test out the potential bad ending that I really want to make work somehow. So I can give you some hypothetical answers, but unless I can successfully make most of the other events in that ending not horribly out-of-character, that ending might not even be real. The entire bad ending is based on this one bit of animation I have in my head and am very slowly drawing out. I'm hoping if I can show how cool it looks I won't have to justify the character actions /hj. I also just do not have any ideas for another ending so I am desperately trying to make 'twist' villain Isaac Beamer somehow work. That's most of the reason that I'm focusing so hard on curses and such right now; getting the essentials done will make writing the story a little easier. Maybe when I finally have a curse for Dez (I'm accepting suggestions; Echos and I have nothing), I'll magically have a whole new ending thought up.

Anyway, hypothetically, Drew's probably fine after the fight. It was painful, yeah, but the branches will grow back.

Now I'll move onto the things centered around the first half, since that one's a little more final.

Drew probably can't come back? I mean, it could be cool if there's some kind of ritual to move his consciousness somewhere else, but his body's irreparable.

You didn't ask but I'll also add that he and the branches can be killed, via burning or something like that, but Nevin's not likely to let that happen.

Nevin is very deep in denial, and for the most part doesn't have any ideas other than praying and such. He refuses to move on from Drew's loss for a few reasons. First of all, of course, Drew's his twin brother. Secondly, ever since the incident, his life has basically entirely centered around it. The incident is what made him turn to religion (and just so he can keep the extra bit of trauma, in place of his step-mom we'll say the first couple churches weren't exactly kind about his curse - or his being gay, for that matter), and religion is obviously why he thinks the branches are a miracle keeping Drew alive. The incident is why he became homeschooled and rarely left his house for so much of his life, and started hyper-focusing on Drew instead of making connections or getting hobbies. Speaking of hobbies, his curse in general also made it difficult to start any of those. Most of his life has just been getting control of his powers, religious stuff, thinking about Drew, repeat (though Grandma Jovel was eventually successful in getting him interested in cooking and spoken poetry). So he can't fathom the idea of letting Drew go.

When he meets Chris, Nevin gets really excited about the possibility that Chris or Charlie could communicate with Drew, and from there they could work something out. So Nevin starts hanging around Chris, invites him over, and you've seen the rest. Info-dumping about Drew was basically Nevin trying to get Chris to see why this is so important. He could just say "he's my baby brother and i love him and you should love him too", but in true writer fashion, he takes the "show, don't tell" route.

So, yeah, that's basically the closest thing Nevin has had to a plan. I mean, now that I brought up the idea of there being some sort of demonic ritual to transfer souls or whatever, it could be cool to have Nevin go against his morals and try demony stuff, but then I'd have to add so many more eggpire fansongs onto my curse!ibvs playlist. I've already got five, I don't think I should go any deeper.

[almostangrything]

Even More!

Floui- Hurt/Comfort

      It was a normal day in the statehouse. Everybody was minding their own business and being quiet, well, except for Florida. He was busy gathering his supplies to go and get Loui, so that they could do some crime. This was normal, so nobody really cared anymore. As long as he stayed out of the house. Once he got his equipment ready, Florida ran to Loui's room, excitedly knocking on the door.

      But there was no answer. Florida could hear talking, it sounded like Loui. His voice sounded sad. Florida opens the door by a sliver and peeks into the room.

      "Mais, why you gotta do that?" Loui's voice was heartbreaking. He was sitting on the floor, tears streaming down his face. "I'm tellin' ya, you ain't gotta come up here..." By the tone in Loui's voice, it was evident he was talking to his father, France. Loui sighs and says, "Fine, fine... But nobody's gonna be very happy to see you." The other phone hangs up. Louisiana sets down his hone and sighs.

      Florida immediately rushes to Loui's side. They were quite similar, with Florida only being an inch shorter than Loui. Louisiana sees Florida and hugs him tightly. "Sha, didja hear? France is coming over," Loui says with emotion. "I-I heard," Florida replies. France, Loui's father, was an awful man. Loui had the scars and stories to prove it. Florida hugs Loui as tight as he can.

      The dreaded day had come. France shows up to the statehouse. A quiet and tense dinner follows. Loui decided to cook since it would be more busywork to take his mind off things. A few other states like Texas and New York helped. They also had rough childhoods, so they understood and wanted to help Loui. France wasn't causing trouble yet, so that was good. But Loui was a nervous wreck. He didn't eat much and his hands were shaking.

      Finally, dinner was over. Loui decided to wash the dishes, as an excuse to get away from France. As everyone started to drift away, Loui was left in the kitchen. He thought he was alone, so he was muttering to himself about France. However, France was in the next room. He heard the muttering, and although he couldn't make out the exact words, he knew from the tone that it was nothing good.

      "What are you mumbling about, boy?" France asks rudely as he steps into the kitchen. Loui's under-his-breath insults immediately stop as he turns around, his hands wet from washing dishes. "Oh, uh... Nothing..." Loui keeps looking at France, hoping he'll go away. France did not, and approached Loui instead. "Your cooking has gotten even worse since I last saw you," France sneers. "Well, sorry. I cook what I know my friends will like." France scoffs, disgusted. Your 'friends' are vile and uncouth. I don't know why I haven't dragged you back home already." Loui gets a little angry, saying, "Mais, this is my home. I got people here who love me, and I love them."

      France's eyes narrow. "I saw you exchanging glances with that one barbarian in the hat and the tank top." He slaps Loui in the face. "I did not raise you to be a gay sissy!" Loui steps back, now more scared than angry. France pushes him to the ground. "Do I need to teach you what it means to be a man?" France asks rudely, grabbing a kitchen knife.

      Just then, three people, namely Florida, New York, and Texas, tackle France. Florida nicks the knife away from France and points it at him while Texas and New York hold the country in place. "Don't you threaten my bro, you scumbag!" Florida shouts angrily. "Get out! And remember than nobody wants to see you again!" Florida, along with New York and Texas, walk France outside before unceremoniously throwing him out to the curb. Florida returns quickly to make sure Loui is alright.

      Loui is sitting on the kitchen floor, shaking and crying silently. "Loui... He's gone." Florida's voice fills with concern for his best friend. "Mais, sha, I-I don't know what I'd do w-without you." Loui's voice is only slightly shaky now. Florida helps Louisiana up. New York and Texas come back to give Loui a brief hug before finishing washing the dishes. Florida takes Louisiana up to his room. Loui collapses onto the bed, and Florida slides right up next to him, Hugging him and whispering softly. "Don't worry, he won't be here ever again..." Loui wraps his arms around the slightly smaller state and pulls him close. "I love you, sha."

      "I love you too." Florida traces the scars on Loui's arms, peppering them with kisses. Loui slowly falls asleep, still holding Florida in his arms. Florida wraps his arms around Loui and falls asleep soon after.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  It's a little bit shorter than the last one, but I still enjoyed writing it. Hope you enjoy reading it!

Word count: 803 words.

[dewdr0pz]

omfg i need to RANT about this song gives me the fucking FEELS

tw: mentions of SH & depressive episodes

when i was going through a really bad depressive episode, I couldn't find a *single* song or artist that actually wrote songs about what it actually feels like to have depression. It was all "i'M sO eMo BlAaH i HaTe PeOpLe RaAa 💀😖🖤" & it was so obvious that they thought being depressed was a quirky little personality trait. It never felt *real*. & then I saw this song & I cried from the joy who hearing a song that was quite literally somebody recording what goes on in my mind during a depressive episode & turning it into a song.

"I look so much better, so I guess I'm alright" = Before I first heard this song, I was flooded with people telling me how much happier I seemed compared to last year, & how I looked more upbeat & less tired & dead. & I was a bit better, but I wasn't completely happy. & I was convinced that I had to be happy because everybody thought I was happy. This all applies to "I don't know if I can get better for you" because I was also plagued by this idea that I *had* to get better, I *needed* to get better because I needed to be the comic relief & the happy one in the friend groups, or everybody would leave me.

"My head is burning like a machine, tryna cool it down I figured I'd have gotten used to this by now" = One of the many factors that led me to a depressive episode was being really overworked & overwhelmed. I was working as a junior counselor at a BGC for zero pay, & the staff treated us like we weren't there, & the kids were either too touchy, or they were awful. Kids in the group that I worked in were either clinging onto me at all times & not letting me get a second of personal space, or they were screaming & being rude to me. & when I would discipline them, I turned into the "mean counselor" that none of the kids liked. I would've gotten a cash reward for "Best Jr. Counselor" if it wasn't for a few kids who thought I was a monster for telling them to act. & I thought, at the time, that this was really weird because back in 5th grade, I was also a Jr. Counselor, & I loved it! I was never stressed when doing it & I could handle it. & I had dealt with similar situations. &, call me cringe or cliche, but that's when I realized I was a burnt-out "gifted kid," the one who went from all the parents thinking I was responsible & a great counselor to being told off by my boss for being "rude" to the kids.

"I've gotten nearly everything I ever hoped I'd have So why am I still sad?" = At the time before the depressive episode, I was convinced my life was perfect. I had decent grades, a friend group, good art skills, teachers who loved me, & creative ideas 24/7. & when these started to slip away, I was in severe denial & I had convinced myself that I still was the perfect gifted child, so there was no reason for me to be sad over all of this.

"I tear myself in half" = I really *was* tearing myself up during this time. I was screaming at myself in the mirror & hurting myself whenever I messed up or didn't do something correctly.

"I didn't think that it would ever get this bad" = When I was younger & I first learned about self-harm & depression, I thought that would *never* happen to me. After all, why would you voluntarily hurt yourself? I would *never* be that sad. & then when it finally happened, I was shocked because I didn't think it would ever get that bad.

@zuuriell @somebody-v @vibestillaxxx @crows-death @r0ckstardr3amgal @ogelizasoot @lexx-the-gay-rubber-ducky @mochamuff1n im now torturing you all with my insanity :)

anyway sorry bout that lil rant :)

[mxrobotlegs]

My Journey

hey! in celebration of Pride Month, I'm going to finally write about my Gender Journey™ (because the word "transition" doesn't quite describe it) throughout the past 5 years and my life as a whole. I hope that this will allow someone else to get something out of my experiences, now that I've decided to record all this down. to be honest, I hadn't done this yet as I only just now figured myself out to a level where I'm comfortable discussing all this publicly, and this is where I decided I'd put it!

Childhood

let's start out with the beginning. I was assigned male at birth and raised in a conservative area of northern Florida (yuck, I know). throughout my childhood, I always felt like being a "boy" wasn't right for me. I had to deliberately act masculine to fit in, and even then, it all felt like I was just performing for them and that I wasn't really part of the group. this wasn't the only experience I had back then that was like that, either.

privately, I had a desire to wear feminine clothing and makeup. I even did so secretly by using my mom's collection while she was away from the house. I enjoyed this and it made me happy, but I also felt guilty because "boys" being feminine didn’t go without ridicule at the time and I was doing it behind her back. I told my mom what I was doing due to the guilt. despite her having conservative values, she was surprisingly supportive at the time, even offering to help me try on other clothes of hers. however, I had too much anxiety about accepting her offer and what would happen to me if I did so I ended up dropping it.

all my curiosity at the time in gender expression also led to me looking up "boy to girl" transformation videos and other stuff like that on YouTube and other websites, but I didn’t learn about queer people in a positive way from any of that. this was all happening around 2008 or 2009, so the web wasn't super accessible back then and I was an 8- or 9-year-old newbie. school didn't help, either, since I was being home-schooled with a Christian curriculum, which of course would not mention such topics. the only real expression of any sort of femininity that I had was occasionally having older girls tie up my hair in a ponytail just to "tease" me (I totally didn't enjoy it with an ulterior motive). this was also around the time that the show "I Am Jazz" was popular, but I didn't feel that I was like her, either, nor did I think it was possible for me to be like her since I viewed my gender as immutable. as a result, I dismissed my feelings, and I wouldn't think about them for years to come.

Adolescence

fast forward 8 years to when I'm 15 or 16. after years of toxic masculinity, I started thinking about my identity again. however, this time, I’d been exposed to transgender communities online such as "r/egg_irl," and I was confused by them as I thought that anyone would press that button. you know, the one which would instantly turn them into the opposite gender (of course they would!). I asked my friends, all guys, this same question and every single one said "no." this was my first wake-up call that maybe I'm not as cisgender as I thought I was, and that maybe I should consider HRT. I also thought about working inside my assigned gender and wearing stuff like utility kilts (don't say a word) just so that I could wear clothes closer to what I could wear if I was a different gender than a "guy." needless to say, I did not go through with the kilt idea as my friends and other people thought it was strange and most of my anxiety at the time came from other people's thoughts about me, unfortunately.

in 2015/16, U.S. discourse about queer people wasn’t great as anti-SJW movements were at their peak back then and gay people were often the butt of their jokes, making coming out of the closet seem like social suicide at the time. this terrified me as I started to realize that I needed to do something about my feelings despite all the negativity, so I researched the topic further. it only solidified my desires. at the time, I was also planning to go to the U.S. Naval Academy in a year, having been in NJROTC since the start of high school. this made my anxiety that much worse as it would be rough for someone in the middle of HRT.

I decided to tell my mom how I felt a couple of months later, and she said what I feared most: that I had to choose between living my life as the true me and the Naval Academy, my dream. by then, I had already went through much of the admissions process and been accepted (a huge pain), and this threw me back into the closet for years to come as I didn't want to give up on my ambitions. funny enough, a year later in June of 2017, I started my time at the Academy with their version of first-year indoctrination, and I decided the whole military thing wasn't for me and dropped out (painful, I know).

Early-Adulthood

despite the Naval Academy situation, I was able to get into Florida State University at the last moment in July 2017 and move out of my parents' to live off-campus in a small studio apartment. the next six months were the most miserable, lonely period I’ve ever experienced. I holed up in that apartment until I got my first girlfriend (and she was straight) in December of that year. let's call her "Stinky." she and I went on a break a couple months later in early 2018 after an argument, so I went to visit my parents back in my hometown to escape from her. during the visit, the feelings that I was experiencing before I went to the Academy resurfaced. this led to me telling my mom how I felt again, but I stuck to my guns this time, insisting that this was what was right for me. I also told her that I didn't want her to tell my dad yet as I was worried about how he would react (he was my role model and a Vietnam War veteran). she agreed, and she said she would need some time to think about all this. I drove back to university.

their reaction wasn't great, to say the least. my mom called me later and said she was upset about the news. I decided to go back home the next weekend to talk with her about it in person as I was concerned. during our discussion, she went on to dismiss my feelings and make it seem like I was making a mistake, implying heavily that I will be some sort of freak at the end and that the process would be long and difficult. strangely, my dad was distant the entire time. while I was on a drive with him, I confronted him about his behavior, and he then told me to not act on my desires until "after he was dead." I guess that she had told him despite my wishes. this whole situation threw me back into the closet, again, because I naturally valued my parents and didn't want to lose them. I told them to forget about it and that it was just due to me being sexually frustrated.

however, I couldn't fend off my feelings for long after that. I was back to dating Stinky. I tried to keep the act up for my parents as well as her, but it took less than half a year this time for it to fall apart. it was May 2018, and I started to feel that I needed to do something or I would have to deal with gender misery forever. I thought, "well, if nobody is going to support me, I'll just have to do it myself without any of them knowing and deal with the consequences later." Stinky and I had planned a vacation to Miami to visit her family later in the year during August, and I figured out a way to get HRT, using the trip as an opportunity.

the plan was that at the end, I would fly back to Tallahassee while she spent some more time with her family down South. in May, I had secretly scheduled an appointment with Planned Parenthood (using informed consent) that would take place during that brief time we were apart. this was so that I wouldn't have to go to a psychologist as I was still an 18-year-old and it would cost too much. I drove 4 hours to Orlando (the nearest location to Tallahassee that offered HRT), completed the appointment, and drove 4 hours back.

my prescription for spironolactone and estradiol was filled the day that Stinky came back. I decided that I should tell her what I was doing and that I needed this. she became distraught and made me feel guilty, but I stood my ground and took my first dose that same day. 1 week later, I went to a cryogenic storage appointment before the medication started taking effect in earnest so that I would have the option in the future of having biological kids (no matter how unlikely that seemed at the time). I also started laser hair removal for my facial hair shortly after. the next couple of months were rough, with her frequently telling me how terrible I made her feel due to my changing body, but also that she still didn't want to break up with me. she was disgusted by the effects of HRT. this didn't help my state of mind as I still wanted to continue dating her, too, even though this relationship was obviously not healthy for either of us.

in October 2018, just a couple of months later, I deluded myself into thinking I could repress my feelings for her and stopped taking the medication, even watching anti-trans media to attempt to reinforce that effort. this didn't work as less than a month later on November 16th, I realized that living a lie for someone else was a terrible idea and I started taking the medication again (I haven't stopped since). we continued "dating," but it was dysfunctional, with her eventually losing attraction to me. we broke up in the second half of 2019. she was still my roommate for months afterwards (which was terribly painful and filled with drama).

during that mess of a relationship, however, I also had to plan for my parents' reaction. I wouldn't be able to hide this from them forever. expecting a similar outcome to what happened in 2018, I did everything I could to become independent just in case they disowned me or wanted to have leverage in a confrontation. whether it was financial (I took my money out of their bank account and put it into my own), or alternative transportation in the case that they took my car (I bought a motorcycle), or even health insurance (I obtained new insurance through my university), I got it done. in February of 2019, I was completely independent, even leveraging my status as a veteran from my time at the Naval Academy to obtain educational grants that would otherwise be unobtainable due to my parents' income (they weren't even paying for my education to begin with!).

this turned out to be a wise decision as during a visit to my parents in May, I would be forced to come out to them after almost 6 months of continuous HRT. my parents noticed subtle changes like a feminine bracelet I wore around them, that I was shaving my legs, and that my face looked softer, but I think that I still went largely under the radar. I explained the changes as being normal "guy" stuff (for example, shaving your legs helps with swimming, of course). one day, my parents and I went out shopping. my mom and I walked into a shopping center while my dad waited in the car. as she and I were chatting on the way in, she patted my back and felt the bralette that I was wearing to conceal the effects of HRT. she said, "what is that?" and glared at me. I cursed my negligence and told her what she didn't want to hear. she was silent as we walked into the store and said that I was "mutilating my body" as we walked out. we got back into the car and drove home with my dad. the drive felt terrifyingly slow, and I didn't know what awaited me when it was over.

this time, however, I decided that I wasn't going to let this narrative be controlled by my parents. as soon as we got home, I told them that I wanted to have a conversation with them. I explained to them that I had been taking feminizing hormones for over six months and that this was the right decision for my happiness. I endured verbal abuse from my mom and silence from my dad. she said things such as "you're confused," "nobody will love you," "you'll get beat up," "you'll be ugly," and even "you're mutilating your body" again. to this day, I still do not forgive her for what she said that night, and how could I? after she was done with her assault, I explained very plainly: "you will either have a daughter or you will have no child at all." that seemed to resonate. they said that were so resistant to all this out of "love" for me. I told them my experiences and why I was doing this. I also explained that my gender expression is separate from my sexuality, which isn't changing. they didn't know or care about any of that until then. they had to listen to me, and they had to accept me. and if they didn't accept me, they would lose me, either by me never talking to them again, or by suicide if I had to continue performing the gender they wanted.

today, they are strong advocates for queer rights after ultimately deciding to stand behind my choices. they even supported my desire to get multiple gender-affirming surgeries in late 2020. but I don't know how it would have turned out if they had had leverage over me back then, and I didn’t want to find out.

Adulthood

a couple of months after Stinky and I’s breakup, to cope with it (I felt like it was my fault even though it wasn't) and the discomfort about my changing body, I escaped into virtual reality. for the next couple years, my social life was almost entirely on the internet as I didn't have to deal with anxiety and could present myself exactly the way I chose. this immersive world helped me discover the new me and how I wanted to act. I experimented with the way I talked, the way I acted, my disposition, and many other things, until I found a persona, my persona. I even experimented with my sexuality and determined that yes, I’m still not attracted to masculine people and no, I’m not entirely opposed to polyamory.

some more time passes - 2021, two years ago - despite “finding myself” through years of socialization and personal introspection, I still put myself inside the gender binary (I blame my upbringing). I thought that I had to be either a man or a woman, and that anything else outside of that box wasn't a real option for me. for whatever reason, I also had this misconception that being non-binary wasn't being, well, non-binary, but instead still having to fit somewhere on the binary spectrum despite its name, just not necessarily at either end.

at this point, in all ways, whether by government ID or by gender presentation, I was a woman. my friends and family all knew me as a woman, I identified as a lesbian, and I thought this was the end. after 3 years, nothing could change.

but despite everything, I still never truly felt like a "woman" or even a "girl" despite my “transition” being as complete as it could be. I would subconsciously refer to myself as a "person" or in the case of my parents, their "child," or relating to my S.O., her "partner." anything else didn't feel right when others said it or even when I said it to myself. this feeling wasn't something new to me, either. previously, I had chalked it up to dysphoria making me think that I didn't yet deserve to be a "woman" and that's why I didn't feel comfortable yet. but, realistically, it had to be something else. it should make me happy to be gendered "correctly." which it did, initially, as I was struggling to pass in public during the start of my transition (I viewed it as an accomplishment). but now that I was passing as a “woman” nearly all the time, however, it made my stomach turn when a person referred to me with gendered terms. that feeling wasn't present when someone referred to me as “she” or even “they,” and I couldn't figure out why.

outside of the very start, my gender presentation has never been very feminine. I mostly wear androgynous clothing. I tried wearing makeup, and to my surprise, I determined that I liked myself without makeup more. my interests don't really consist of traditionally feminine things, and I stopped shaving my legs (my parents complained about that one). I've played with the possibility of being non-binary, but it still never really resonated with me and I felt like it just wasn't the right fit.

I've now been on this journey for almost 5 years. last Friday, while I was at the dentist, I noticed that my hygienist was confused by my gender presentation due to how she stumbled between she and he pronouns every other sentence when referring to me. I was amused because generally someone would decide what they thought I was, stick to one set of pronouns, and I would correct them if needed. the situation felt comical, almost unreal, and it made me think about how glad I was to not have to be in her shoes. she then brought me to the front desk after she was done with the cleaning and I corrected her with a simple “she” when she started to talk about me again (my initial amusement had worn off). the hygienist became flustered and I smiled. this made me think, “why do I enjoy someone else’s confusion about my gender?” I’d experienced this feeling a couple of times in the past but I’d never given it much thought.

now, thanks to way too much self-analysis (and my partner’s love and support, of course), I have found the reason for these feelings and why labels never fit me. it’s because I simply do not think of myself in gendered terms. I’m just “me.” I was also never comfortable referring to myself as transgender, now knowing that it was because it implied that I went from being one gender to being another (which never felt accurate). being a “woman” also started to feel like it was holding me back, making me realize that the explanation is that I just…

don't have a gender.

agender it is. let's say that I have transcended the concept of gender entirely. fuck having a gender. who needs one? I sure don't. I never have.

happy Pride!

[karrenseely]

Swings

My mood has been swinging between okay and depression and anxiety today. Back and forth, back and forth and all around in a chaotic spin. I had hoped I would be feeling much better by now with all the treatments I've been getting... but at the most all I can say is I'm not suicidal anymore.

I've only ever been truly happy once in my life that I can remember. It was the year I graduated college. To me, happiness is contentment. And I was content that year. I felt good. It was a foreign feeling to me, but I basked in it. It lasted for months, though I'm not sure how long beyond that. I worked, I spent time with friends and chosen family. The pain and horror I went through growing up didn't seem to dominate my experience at that time. I don't know why I felt so content then. But I'm glad I did. I'm glad I got to experience that at least once.

I look at young trans folks today and read many of their stories and experiences and it's so different from mine, but in a good way. They talk about experiencing gender euphoria, as actual full blown euphoria when they get to be themselves. It is absolutely wonderful to see. It makes me think about the times that I experienced that. And it's hard to remember. I'm sure it's there, but mostly what I remember isn't euphoria so much as relief, or other times when I just felt shame, or felt like a pervert for trying to be myself.

I can remember shopping w/ an ex-girlfreind before I transitioned and being absolutely terrified, and feeling so much shame. Unfortunately she didn't seem to really understand why. I remember thinking she was exasperated with my fear, but I honestly don't know if she was. I spent some time with her that semester... but then I don't know what happened, but she wasn't part of my life anymore. I can only remember two other times that I spent with her. The first was coming out to her, and her laughing at herself because two of her boyfriends ended up either gay or trans. And the other was about starting a sorority that was inclusive... Even though she wanted me there, I felt like an outsider.

I still believed the narrative I'd been fed by transphobes at the time that I was a fraud, that I was a boy who just wanted to be a girl, but wasn't actually a girl. And so I was terrified of being in female only spaces, even something as vaguely female only as a women's clothing store or in a girl friend's room with other girls. I don't think anyone I was friends with knew at the time that I needed someone to sit down with me in that space and say in a very compassionate way"you're a girl hon, you're supposed to be here, say it with me, you're a girl and there's nothing wrong with you being here. You're a girl, not a pervert."

I never had anyone tell me that I had been a girl all along. Not one person, until years later when I was reading Sophie Labelle's assigned male comics where she introduced the concept to me, and I finally understood. Yes. I'd always been a girl, I'd never been a boy, I had to pretend to be one, but I'd never actually been a boy.

I honestly don't know if it would have really helped to hear all those words, to have someone tell me truly in a completely heartfelt serious manner that it is okay for me to be in those spaces, that it was ok for me to shop for clothes, to use the restroom. But I think it would have. I know friends told me it was ok and that I had nothing to be afraid of, but it always felt to me like they were just saying that to humor me. I'd been conditioned too long and too well to think I was anything but a freak at best, and to expect the worse. And I think a lot of it had to do with I didn't understand that I'd always been a girl. Even now, I get nervous in women only spaces, not nearly as much as I used to, but there is still that part of me that's afraid someone is going to call me a pervert and that I don't belong.

I remember feeling joy sometimes, like at a dance that was organized for us queer kids because we didn't get to be ourselves and/or take the person we actually loved to prom. I remember having a blast dancing with my girlfriend of the time. It is a good memory.

I recall lying in my friend's arms as she held me one afternoon on the couch. Just holding me, it felt so nice. I felt so loved and accepted. She is still one of my best friends even though we don't talk much now. I'm lousy at long distance relationships.

When I lost my childhood counselor and realized if I was going to get to be me, I was going to have to do it all on my own. I sought out a trans friendly psychologist. I told her my name was Karren and she used it from then on, and it felt so good to hear that. To hear someone use my name when they referred to me. It also felt strange because no one had ever done that before, outside of myself in my head.

Unfortunately, most of what I recall of transition, is survival. I'd been disowned, I had no family to fall back on or help me. It was about making sure I had a roof over my head, that I had a job. All the while I was grieving over the loss of everyone I had ever loved, the only home I had ever known. There was the constant fear that I would be on the streets. There was the devastation and hurt I felt when a friend who'd let me stay with her and her mom over the summer accused me of using them, and told me to leave a month before school started. I had spent that time starving because I felt so guilty about her taking me in and using her resources, that I was taking their food and not giving anything back, but grieving so much because I had just lost everyone I had ever known and loved and having so much trouble functioning. I tried to find work that summer but I had zero luck. Not surprising given I was trans, I hadn't legally changed my name yet, and I looked very androgenous because I hadn't fully started living as myself. No one wanted to hire a freak like me. And so I had to find a new place to crash until I could get back on my feet. It was terrifying, and just months after I'd been disowned, here I was losing another safe place.

And that is what I tend to recall, the constant struggle to survive and stay off the streets, to be safe. The constant fear that someone else was going to kick me to the curb. To make matters worse, for my memory anyway, I was dissociating heavily throughout that time and only have a few memories of it. I remember shopping for my first work dress when I finally did get a job as myself. I really loved that dress, a long dress in dark navy blue w/ pink flower print. It was a wonderful dress and it was mine, and I felt I looked good in it.

The day that I changed my name legally, was odd but good. The court official called my deadname, and I had to stand up in front of everyone and answer to it, in my lovely dress. It was terrifying as the process forced me to out myself to everyone in that courtroom, to everyone that was waiting for their turn to stand in front of the judge. But the judge himself was kind. He had kind eyes, and asked me gently if I was sure this was the name I wanted. Then he asked me if I really wanted two middle names, as most people only have one. I said yes I was sure, with a smile because I felt like he cared (I've always had two middle names, but that's a different story). And so he declared my new name as my legal name. And I left that courtroom very happy.

It was very apparent at the time to my coworkers when I finally did land a job that I was very poor. For several weeks I showed up to work in the same dress, day after day. It was all I could afford for nice clothing (I'd grown up in an upper middle class household, I didn't even know cheap thrift stores existed, much less how to shop in places like that that had minimal organization, they were always overwhelming to me. Looking back that makes sense given my ADHD diagnosis many years later). One of them, a wonderful caring young woman, donated several of her old outfits that she didn't wear to me. I was so grateful to her, it was wonderful and amazing to me that she did this. Even though those clothes weren't typically my style, I wore them to work because they were mine, and it meant the world to me that she had given them to me. Also it meant I could wear something other than the single dress I had.

I had to teach myself so many things about being a woman. I didn't have very many female friends yet, and the ones I did have, I was scared to ask these things of them, for fear they'd see me as even more of a freak than I already was (yay hyper-independant trauma response <note sarcasm>). So I taught myself how to do basic makeup. How to do a french braid, that one felt really good to learn, I always wanted to have a french braid. Growing up my sister was in marching band and had to put her hair up for every performance, and often this was in intricate french braids, crowns, and I so wanted to learn how to do that, never did beyond the simple french braid. Never learned how to do just a simple braid on myself well to this day. Ironically, doing the french braid part I find easier, braiding my loose hair that hangs down my back is incredibly hard for me.

I taught myself how coordinate outfits. Though accessories remained a mystery to me for the most part. And somehow, unconsciously, I taught myself how to speak in a way that wouldn't get me misgendered on the phone. How I managed that is still a mystery to me, as to this day I still hate my voice.

The day I woke up from surgery, the first feeling I remember when I could feel that those horrible genitals were no longer there was complete and absolute relief. I cried in relief. Then the nurse and doctor talked with me about how to care for myself, and reassured me that everything was normal. They discussed that my vagina should feel like any other vagina, and had me feel my own, and when I did, I was ecstatic, because they were right.

So I guess there were times I experienced joy in getting to be myself, but it feels like most of it was clouded by grief, pain, guilt, fear, and trying to survive.

So I read these accounts of young trans people's experiences today and I am so happy for the positive experiences they relate, that their are so many young trans people now who get a chance to be themselves, who aren't forced to go through the horror of the wrong puberty. It is amazing, and yes, I envy them a little, with their supportive families, supportive friends. But I'm very happy for them, all the while wishing my family would have been that supportive, that they hadn't put me through the torture that they did and had just loved me and supported me. It's a very had thing to bare, knowing your parents never actually loved you, and wanted you dead. It is a very hard thing.

All the while I am still very aware of how very many trans kids out there who are living a similar experience to mine, whose parents don't support them, who are just trying to survive. Knowing how close I came to not surviving, I often find myself wondering how many of those youth suicides are LGBT+ kids who couldn't be themselves, and couldn't survive. It hurts knowing there's even one trans kid like this, much less the multitudes that there actually are. I wouldn't force that experience on my worst enemy, much less a child. It is why I still dream of creating an LGBT+ halfway house where kids can be themselves, be loved, accepted, and supported. Hopefully someday I'll be well enough and together enough to make that happen.