#filled with some of the most beautiful moments in the entire series and CHARACTER GROWTH

[girlsilver]

*

[mittensmorgul]

it’s a bummer to see you can’t enjoy the ending. I hope someday you can come around it it. It wasn’t perfect but it didn’t nuke its integrity. i think the heart of the show really shines through and it’s a shame that it’s not being appreciated bc there’s so much shipping drama 😣

Hi there!

I... first of, I really need people to understand this... the travesty of the finale for me has almost nothing to do with “shipping drama.”

Yes, I see the wild conspiracy theories flying around, and I’m honestly concerned for some of those folks and hope they can find a way to make peace with this in whatever way they can, because we aren’t likely to ever get a better answer than that this is legitimately the ending that Dabb thought was best, despite years of us seeing the best of his writing choices and guiding Sam, Dean, and Cas to grow past the roles that Chuck would’ve forced them to fulfill, and that at the end it fell flat because he couldn’t actually come up with a better ending than “this was always their destiny, free will is a lie, and these characters had nothing outside of the revenge quest they’d been raised for since birth and manipulated into over and over for the entertainment of a vengeful god.”

I can see how “surface level” viewers would feel that this one basic narrative point was satisfying, that Sam and Dean had grown beyond their own hopeless cycle of self-sacrifice that had driven the narrative for so many years. The fact that they both acknowledged that they should allow their stories to end in that way was satisfying... but only in the shallowest and most detached read of the narrative. Like, is this really the ONLY thing these two characters learned in the last 15 years? If so, that is BEYOND depressing af.

And even THAT message lost all narrative weight when the two of them were once again reunited in death, as if nothing else had ever mattered in their lives. As if neither of them had ever outgrown the codependency that had driven so many of those previous self-sacrifices and refusals to let go of each other even in death.

So yeah, in the absolute most basic sense, I suppose I can see how casual viewers or people who aren’t actually invested in these characters could find that at least narratively coming back to a starting point.

But narratives don’t actually work that way, and that’s not the point of watching fifteen years of story develop in between.

This story wasn’t JUST about Sam and Dean needing to accept that death might be okay actually.

This story was also about free will, fighting for humanity as a whole but also their OWN humanity and self-identities. In Dean’s case, the absolutely transformative growth from feeling like nothing but a hammer, a killer, a tool to be used. And then less than an episode and a half later, after finally accepting that truth into his heart and using it to defeat the original creator and reclaim the story of his own life for himself... he gets pied in the face after flippantly talking about his destiny and having no choice, and then three scenes later he literally dies impaled on a great big nail... like a hammer...

So I would kindly ask folks who feel satisfied by that shallowest possible takeaway of this episode, and maybe invite folks to look just under that surface. Try to understand why loads of us will NEVER feel satisfied with this ending, and why it truly does feel like the most hopeless version of the story. Like even in defeating Chuck, they could never be allowed to own their own stories and what happened to them after that point was just a twisted version of the “destiny” that drove Chuck’s entire plotline for them anyway.

Please understand where we’re seeing this as horrifically painful irony rather than some beautiful circular narrative about letting go.

For a lot of us, the shipping stuff would’ve been the cherry on top of the sundae. We would’ve been happy with a scoop of plain vanilla, though. We would’ve been happy for anything that honored the journey to freedom, and the choice at any sort of a different life of their own making than literally falling back on a nail fighting off one of John’s unresolved hunts and a vampire who had literally never been named in canon before, yet who Dean instantly recognized somehow... 

but sure, for those of us who felt that “the heart of the show” was all the stuff that the finale actually erased-- that “family don’t end in blood,” and that this was actually not a show about just two brothers but the love of their found family and coming to terms with the choices they actually HAD made for themselves versus the narrative that Chuck kept centering them in DESPITE what they would choose for themselves, the finale basically told us no, everything you ever found of value in this story actually meant nothing. It told us that Chuck’s story for them was their only truth in the end, and their only freedom was to be found in death.

Please, I am begging people, stop trying to gaslight us that this was some beautiful ending. Maybe think for a second that “your read” of the narrative that allows you to find peace with the ending is not what we saw and loved about this story for the 326 episodes leading up to this finale.

And please try to understand that we were not wrong to see the entire narrative through this lens. Because we were literally validated IN CANON, and told that we understood the depth of the story and the characters just fine, actually. There’s literally ONE episode of the entire series that burns it all down in a bewildering pile of wtf. And that’s #327. That throws that entire read out the window to well actually us all back into Chuck’s literal ending... This was literally the ending Chuck wanted to force them to enact for him, and it’s what ended up happening even after they defeated him-- the ultimate Big Bad of the entire series should’ve been defeated, but instead he pulled off one final victory over the entire story.

Becky: No. You can't-- Chuck: I did. Becky: Y- This is just an ending. Chuck: Yeah. I don't know how I'm gonna get there, but I know where I'm goin'. Becky: B-But it's so... dark. Chuck: But great, right? I can see it now -- "Supernatural: The End". And the cover is just a gravestone that says "Winchester". The fans are gonna love it. Well? Becky: It's awful! Horrible. It's hopeless. You can't do this to the fans. What you did to Dean? What you did to Sam? Chuck: There, see? It's making you feel something. That's good, right?

and

Dean: Well, what now? You're not gonna dust us. Chuck: Oh, yeah? Why not? Dean: Because you're holding out. For your big finish. Yeah, we know about your galaxy-brained idea, how you think this story is gonna go. Sam got a little look into your draft folder. Chuck: Sam's visions -- they weren't drafts. They were memories. My memories. Other Sams and other Deans in other worlds. But guess what. Just like you, they didn't think they'd do it, either. But they did. And you will, too. Dean: No. Not this Sam. And not this Dean. So you go back to Earth 2 and play with your other toys. Because we will never give you the ending that you want. Chuck: We'll see.

And even in DEFEAT Chuck thought he understood these characters, thought that having rendered him powerless they would finally take their revenge and kill him, but they didn’t, because he never actually understood these characters at all. And the story he tried to force them into from day one was never about THEM, it was about HIM. 

And then Dean gets like two whole days of freedom and choice and is apparently incapable of making any of the choices that don’t throw him immediately back into Chuck’s favorite story. Like none of that resolution in the previous episode meant anything at all. He even SAYS it in the finale:

Dean: Yeah, no. I think about 'em, too. You know what? That pain's not gonna go away. Right? But if we don't keep living, then all that sacrifice is gonna be for nothing.

And then two scenes later the show gives us the Nelson Muntz HA HA and Dean is no longer living, and Sam is left to carry on as a shell of himself and wander off into Blurry Wife Land to devote any even remotely content moment of the rest of his years to raising a  Replacement Dean to fill the void, and is never able to pick up the pen to write anything better of his own life than Chuck would’ve dealt him in the first place.

So I’m glad that top-layer takeaway is sustaining and enough for you. It wasn’t, and will never be enough for the rest of us.

What was actually real in all of this? We were.

Until we weren’t.

And that’s honestly a shit message to be pushing on people in the wake of it all. So please stop.

I should actually thank you for the kind intent with which your message is phrased, but that doesn’t make it feel less hilariously awful. Though I chose this one to reply to as the least insulting of all the messages currently in my inbox on this subject. So thanks for that, at least.

[theoriginalcarnivorousmuffin]

Thoughts on the ship Rosalie/Bella?

While it’s a nice thought, sadly, I don’t think either Rosalie or Bella are what the other would ever seek in a partner.

Indeed, I think the other would be too close of a reminder to what they see in the worst of themselves. So, even in better circumstances, I don’t think they’d choose each other.

Let’s break that down.

What is Rosalie Looking For?

Rosalie’s past is one filled with brutal trauma, betrayal, and heartbreak. She has been violated by men in the worst of ways, betrayed by the man she thought would be her husband, and then has the surreal experience of being turned into something that, while alive, is not human.

She romanticizes the human life she could have had, clinging to it, never acknowledging that circumstances were such that she never would have had it.

Rosalie never was going to get that simple future of being a humble, good, simple man’s wife with beautiful children and a comfortable life. She was raised in society, uncommonly beautiful and charming, and was set to marry the wealthiest man she could. It might not have been Royce, she could have married a good man, but she would have married into this wealthy world and not ended up with someone like Emmett.

I think this is very telling.

For very understandable reasons, Rosalie has never confronted nor truly gotten over her trauma. Oh, she murdered her rapists and murderers, and put their deaths behind her, she married Emmett and has a (fairly) good relationship with him, but she hasn’t taken her full final steps to recovery.

I think this in part shows in her ending up with a guy like Emmett.

Emmett’s not bad, don’t get me wrong, but it’s very telling in what he loves of Rosalie and that Rosalie loves him for it.

He worships her beauty above all other things and is described as a very simple but pleasant and laidback guy. I think Rosalie is at the point where she wants to be worshipped, especially for the quality that was most valued in her human life, her beauty.

She wants to be with someone safe, someone who loves her, and that someone is definitely Emmett.

I think in the short run this works out very well for the pair of them and perhaps even in the long run. I think both could have chosen a better partner.

Rosalie is complicated, she’s not the shallow vain bitch Edward complains she is nor is she what Emmett seems to see her as. Emmett doesn’t really get his wife, or defend her all that much, he’s in love with her beautiful cheerleader persona. Rosalie, similarly, is in love with this man whose greatest attribute is his love of her. I’m sure there are moments she finds Emmett rather boorish and slow on the uptake.

What Do I Think Rosalie Needs?

To be honest, of all the characters where I raise my eyebrow at Meyer putting them with someone of the opposite gender, Rosalie’s one of the ones where they raise the highest.

Even Carlisle, when Rosalie drags in this man’s bleeding carcass, goes, “Oh, is this your cousin?” And has a “Him?!” moment when Rosalie explains this is her new husband.

I always would have expected, especially after her experiences, for Rosalie to be with a woman. That said, I do think her society’s prejudices and expectations would be a huge barrier for her and she’d have to do a lot of character growth before this would ever be possible. And I mean a lot of character growth, as in, Rosalie hasn’t reached this point even post Twilight saga.

Right, regardless of gender, I think Rosalie needs a partner who a) understands her b) does not value her looks c) accepts the good and the bad parts of her.

Like all of us, Rosalie is flawed. She’s a very impressive, down right intimidating, woman who has an iron clad will and gets what she wants. She has a deep love for her family and a great capacity for compassion. However, there are times when she’s the sixteen-year-old girl who has very much not escaped her society’s mindset. She fully advocates Bella Swan’s murder so the family won’t have to move, not realizing until Carlisle points it out that this is a heinous thing to do. Rosalie says vicious, racist, things to Jake likely never realizing exactly what it is she’s saying. She’s stubborn, proud, and as Edward put it a bit pig-headed.

Emmett tends to just go “Yeah, she’s a bitch, but she’s my bitch”. Which... great, thanks Emmett, that’s very helpful.

Bella Swan is Not That Person

Bella per the start of the series is a seventeen-year-old girl with cripplingly low self-esteem, huge parental issues, and a dangerous inclination towards depression.

Bella shows serious interest in women sexually (her relationship with Alice has some serious homoerotic undertones) but she’s also very intimidated by them. Rosalie, especially, makes Bella evaluate and feel worse about herself as she knows she will never be as beautiful as this teenage blonde goddess.

In other words, this Bella is not in a position to be the kind of person Rosalie needs. She’s too caught up in figuring out who she herself is, cares very much about Rosalie’s appearance and using it to compare against her own, and isn’t stable enough to be what Rosalie needs.

And by the end of canon... Well... Bella’s left the planet and will soon join Esme in being a hauntingly strange person entirely divorced from reality.

What if we’re in a slightly AU world?

Well, we’re banking on a lot of character development for Bella that I don’t believe can happen with Edward around. Either Bella shows interest in Edward or, well, he eats her. (No, seriously, this is canon, both Alice and Edward confirm as much.) 

And if the family packs up and leaves during New Moon and never comes back... Well, of all the people Bella might end up with after that, I think Rosalie might just be the least likely (not to mention Rosalie would not be down for hanging around Edward’s stupid human girlfriend).

What is Bella Looking For?

Bella’s looking for validation of her very self. She wants to be loved, more than that, she wants to be worth something.

Bella has such a low opinion of herself that, at this point in her life, she needs this feeling to come from elsewhere. She finds this in both Edward and Jacob.

And it doesn’t matter how scary they are (and both are, indeed, very scary towards her), it doesn’t matter what it is they value, just that they both seem to want her even though she’s a foolish, clumsy, pale, ugly, human, nobody, loser. 

That’s all Bella wants.

Edward’s a perfect storm in that he’s inhumanly perfect, beautiful beyond all comprehension, and completely obsessed with her. In Edward’s eyes, Bella is not just perfect, she’s fascinating.

And then, of course, she’s not and it utterly destroys her. 

Basically, Bella’s is a very sad life.

What Does Bella Need?

Bella needs time to grow up and find out who she is and how to value that.

Bella is your very typical teenage girl. She’s precocious, has a lot of issues growing up with her mom, but she has a lot of issues many teenage girls do have.

I think, before Bella can find a truly good partner, she needs to learn how to value herself.

This will be painful and take a lot of time. In New Moon, I think Jake actually sets her back as she uses him to find value in herself for her (essentially replacing Edward).

Only after Bella discovers who she is, reaffirms why she is important and worthy of love, can she find someone.

What does that person look like?

Well, it sure as fuck isn’t Vampire Patrick Bateman, otherwise known as Edward Cullen. Nor is it Jake Black who sexually assaults her, tells her to kiss him or he’ll kill himself, then tells her that her dying is pointless as it means he and Edward fought over nothing. 

It also isn’t Alice, who treats Bella a lot like she would a life-sized Barbie Doll rather than a friend and a human being.

I’m not sure who it is, to be honest.

Someone who recognizes who Bella is, certainly, the good and the bad. Someone who is able to... reconcile her with the world she truly lives in. Maybe, circumstances changing around a bit, it’s Carlisle Cullen? (Though that would certainly be a dumpster fire of divorce and despair with Edward and Esme) Maybe it’s Jasper (also a dumpster fire of divorce and despair with Edward and Alice)? 

I really have no idea here. Unlike Rosalie, I can’t even tell you what this person would need to be like.

What I do know is...

Rosalie is Not That Person

Just as Bella views Rosalie as a threat, as something to measure herself against and feel unworthy of in every way, Rosalie does the same.

Bella is a pretty human woman who captures Edward’s attention in a way she never can. Rosalie, at the time we start canon, for all her accomplishments and all she’s done is still insecure enough that she needs to be the prettiest woman in the room. 

Just as Bella’s not secure enough to be what Rosalie needs, Rosalie is not secure enough to be what Bella needs.

Rosalie also doesn’t see Bella for what she is. Rosalie sees, at first, a normal boring human teenager and dismisses her. She falls into the typical Cullen trap (for all but Carlisle) that they forget humans are people too. Later, Bella discounts Rosalie’s very earnest advice and Rosalie never forgives her for it. This is understandable, Rosalie lays her soul bare, but she forgets Bella’s a teenage girl and more can’t see what Bella herself is battling with.

Bella thinks being human is worthless because Bella thinks being Bella is worthless. Children and a human future mean nothing to her.

It would take a lot, A LOT, of character development for Rosalie to be someone that Bella needs in this situation and even then... Well, they’d have to deal with the horrifying shit show that is Edward. Because if Edward/Bella isn’t happening...

It’s lunch time.

TL;DR

I’d say pin your hopes on Alice/Bella, except that one’s not happening either for all that they do have their very homoerotic friendship.

[tiecladartist]

Okay, spoilers beneath the cut because I have some issues with Rise of the Titans.

Tales of Arcadia is one of my favorite series ever. It handled the "Kid is the chosen one" situation brilliantly, every character had depth (even characters like Steve, Eli, the teachers, etc). Theme was expertly handled with each part of the series. Destiny, heroism and sacrifice for Trollhunters; Family, duty and home for 3-Below; Legacy, prejudice and family (again) for Wizards. Every season brought me to tears, made me laugh, made me fear for the safety of the characters and want good things for them after watching them sacrifice over and over again. It is a comfort show for me and always will be.

Now, the movie...

So, I don't think it was bad. I also don't think it was good, unfortunately. The animation took a bit of getting used to after bingeing everything else leading up to this, but I can't deny it was incredibly beautiful. It was especially nice to see places other than Arcadia and Akiridion-5. It started off strong with the train fight, and admittedly there were a lot of scenes I quite liked during the movie. But, just the scenes. I liked moments, but overall it didn't come together quite as well as the shows did.

The biggest factor is likely time. I doubt making this a movie was the initial plan since I know production companies enjoy snubbing out strong series for various reasons. Honestly, I was surprised we got an "ending" at all based on the trends of recent shows being forced to wrap things up prematurely. Even Wizards felt rushed compared to the others and as a result a lot of interesting concepts were brushed over quickly. I mean, I for one would've loved to see more Camelot "filler" shenanigans since those less plot-heavy episodes that we had throughout Trollhunters and 3-Below helped us explore the characters and grow to love them, and we didn't get quite as much of that with Douxie, Archie, Lancelot, Charlemagne, etc. But I digress, this post is supposed to be about the movie, not Wizards.

So yeah, I think Rise of the Titans should've been a show rather than a movie. We could have more time before Nari is captured, focusing on the "where are they now" of all the characters after the year we skipped. Jim gets to cook and eat human food after losing that passion when becoming a troll, adjusting to being human again! Maybe him and Toby talk about Barbara and Stickler being together and how it's kinda weird (Toby could compare it to having conflicting feelings over his Nana dating an alien). Krel and Aja have a call about how it is being the Queen and Steve interrupts because he misses Aja. Perhaps we hear Eli in the background doing something related to the "Secret weapon" and the call gets cut off quickly because this leads to a small disaster on Aja's end that she needs to go fix. Claire is practicing her magic with the help of Zoe while Douxie is off with Nari. NARI AND DOUXIE INTERACT WITH EACHOTHER AND WE ACTUALLY GET TO SEE IT! (Like, I know that they were travelling together for a year and that that is why Douxie is sad when Nari dies, but it didn't impact at all outside of empathy because there was no emotional investment on my end towards their friendship). But yeah, we get to see what's going on with everyone, and then perhaps this first episode ends with the reveal of them being ready for a plan of sorts (luring the arcane order and cutting off their magic. That wouldn't be revealed though). Cut to the Arcane Order in their super secret clubhouse saying they're close to finding Nari and you get a decent cliffhanger.

Episode 2 would start with the train fight and go fairly the same way. We see Jim struggling with fighting with no armor. Or perhaps he has akiridion armor, but it's too rigid or keeps malfunctioning (doesn't fit, so to speak). Only difference is that Jim's arc wouldn't be about whether or not he's still the trollhunter, because we've been through that already and he knows. I could get having moments of doubt, but his full on denial was kinda out of place after everything he went through. Instead, it could be that he feels useless due to now being a burden in a fight. Or perhaps instead he's wrestling with guilt. He's blaming himself since the arcane order got the seals due to them trying to rescue him. Maybe both? Maybe he even misses his troll body and feels that he's too weak now. Yes, he's still the trollhunter, amulet or not, but he's feeling less and less capable of answering this particular call, and that bothers him. He doesn't want to be a burden after all. Fight ends with the train crash, arrest, Douxie swapping with Nari, all the same.

Now, this is where things would go very very differently. Have more time before Douxie and Nari switch back. Let the Arcane order monologue a little more. They want to reset the world because the balance has been shifted? Cool! Tell me more! Did they used to try to get along with the humans? Did they try diplomacy in the past only to fail due to the stubborn humans, and that's why they've decided to take drastic measures? Or if not, explore why they believe they're the ones allowed to decide the balance is off. Is it because they're powerful? Or how long they've been on Earth? Did they reset it in the past and thus know through experience? I don't mind not knowing, since not everything needs to be spelled out for the audience, but there was potential to make them characters rather than obstacles, and it wasn't really utilized to its full potential. Allow Douxie to pick their brains a little instead of immediately swapping him and Nari back and only succeeding in delaying things a few more hours. Hell, if it was a TV show I honestly would've had one or two episodes before doing that while we address how that initial failure (and the fact that magical creatures/aliens were revealed to the world) affected everyone.

Maybe I'll go through and like, actually plot out episodes and stuff, but since I only just finished watching, here's just some various things I'd change:

-Get rid of that whole Steve pregnancy. That was just out of place and rather than the "comedy" breaking the tension, it shattered it completely and distracted from everything. If you wanna explore his father-based character arc, maybe have him and Aja discussing the fact that now that she's queen, she'll need heirs. And maybe Steve isn't sure he could be a good dad due to his history with paternal figures. You could even have it that he's taking care of Nari while her and Douxie are switched, and that leads to a situation where he helps her out and realizes he may be a better dad than expected. Or perhaps Blinky gives him paternal advice. Or Strickler. Or even BARBARA AND JIM like, Steve couldn't be worse than Jim's dad, and letting Steve and Jim bond over that would be nice. There was so much potential, but instead, Steve was reduced to an out of place running gag instead of getting a resolution to his character arc. And hey, if you wanna keep the whole male akiridions give birth thing that's cool, but it's gotta be done in moments where it won't distract. Or, you could even have it be that it means Aja and Steve need to adopt because uh... she's inorganic and he's organic? His body likely isn't actually built for akiridion childbirth despite the movie glossing over this fact? And maybe Steve has mixed feelings about someone else being the dad of his kids, but Coach and him talk about how Coach isn't his biological dad, but that doesn't mean he loves Steve any less.

-GIVE DOUXIE MORE SCREEN TIME! Seriously, had this been a show he would have the most potential for character growth out of everyone. His series was the shortest, so really all he got was a confidence boost and moving past needing Merlin's approval. But there was so much to explore with him still. What was up with that extreme burst of magic after Merlin's death that was never brought up again? How has he been mentally handling singlehandedly guarding Nari against the Arcane order for a year? Once he and Nari switch back, does he feel guilt over not being able to protect her? "Merlin wouldn't have failed like that. He kept her safe for thousands of years, I lasted a little over one". Perhaps, in his constant desire to prove himself to the people he cares about, he takes risky moves to try and save Nari again and make up for his mistakes, similar to how Jim was acting in the movie. Eventually, when he and Nari meet up again when trying to break her controlled state, Douxie is apologizing and talking about how he wants to make things right. He sees Nari as a friend; as family, just as much as Archie, and he doesn't want to lose her like he lost Merlin. He doesn't want to lose anyone else (which would make Archie getting stuck in the other Trollmarket, and Nari's sacrifice even more painful later on if that still happened).

-Krel, Eli and Stewart also needed more time. I get it was a movie, so time was short, but still. Krel's entire thing is that he grew to see Earth as his true home, and we didn't get to address the fact that he was immediately at risk of losing it at all. Not to mention the sheer amount of stuff he'd built for everyone. Like, could you imagine an episode where, to break up the tension (in a proper way, not a weird pregnancy way), in the midst of everyone trying to figure out how to stop the titans, Krel has overworked himself fixing and managing everyone's tech. He has to spend a day resting and disasters ensue as no one knows how to fix any of the stuff he usually manages. Like the tech keeping Camelot afloat, for example. Stewart and Eli could be the ones that end up stepping up to fill the Krel sized gap for the day.

-And I know that these fillers would lower the tension a bit, but like, having the titans need to charge up after awakening (like, absorbing elemental energy or something), or perhaps making the Arcane Order have to collect certain things to break the seals in the first place that they had on their fortress but lost when that was destroyed , or any other kinda obstacle to give time between the train fight and the Titans waking up would give time for less plot-heavy, more character focused episodes. And even after the titans wake up, they were moving super slowly and walking across the planet. It's not like they'd be short on time despite the movie making it seem like walking from china to america was a short jog at most.

-Don't give Toby the amulet. Don't get me wrong, I love Toby very much and literally bawled out loud at his sacrifice scene. But like, it made no sense to give him the amulet? Jim doing everything again with years of Trollhunter experience would help solve a lot of problems from his first go around (and I'm not fully on board with the whole time reset in the first place. Resetting to the start of the movie, or even just the fight with Bellroc would be better). Jim knows the burdens of being a trollhunter first hand, and you really think he'd be okay dumping all that on Tobes? Toby, the guy completely content with being the wingman and helping the people he cares about. Toby, the guy who never worried about not having a grand destiny up until the movie. The guy who in his biggest dreams was a Duke, not a king. I think Toby was well aware of how important moral support is and wouldn't see it as a lame superpower. But even if he did, in a tv show they could explore that in a way where he comes to learn just how much that moral support does for his friends. And if you still want his moment of glorious sacrifice (because I count that as one of the well done moments), then do that! But rather than going back in time to save everyone, make it so they sacrifice the stone to turn back time a bit. Risk their victory to try saving Toby. Have them fight Bellroc together instead of it being just Jim, because it's trollhunters, not trollhunter. It always has been, always will.

-And if you're like "But if they don't go back then Strickler and Nomura stay dead!" Then how about they don't kill them for shock factor in the first place? Have Strickler badly injured instead, because by god Barbara deserves some happiness. And think of the potential scene of her treating his wounds, and the two of them think about how things have changed since that visit to trollmarket when they were both hurt. About how Strickler stuck around, and when Barbara thought she'd lost him it scared her. How she's sick of almost losing everyone she cares about. She could talk a bit about Jim's dad then too, and it could be revealed that Jim was outside because he was going to check on them, but stopped when he realized they were talking. And then later on, he asks about his dad, admitting he overheard, and we get that conversation they had in the movie. And if you keep the Nomura sacrifice, give her more of a moment ffs. Like, she deserved better! Have the death be a sacrifice to save someone else instead of just "oops I got caught and I'm in the sun now". Make it deliberate. Make it her decision after a life of serving others. Finally, she got to be the one in control of her fate, and she chose to protect the people she cared about.

There's so much more I could say about this and the potential that was killed by the lack of time, but this is getting long and I should probably try actually doing the work I need to do today.

Edit (Because this just popped in my head and I need to add it).

THEY WERE LITERALLY AROUND THE ROUND TABLE! THE NINTH CONFIGURATION (which like, screw that there are more than 9 heroes here to save the day) WERE THE NEW KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE. They were there to protect the world, and like... did the bond between Lancelot and Steve just not exist anymore? Did that get timeline erased too? Could you imagine Steve fighting to protect the world, doing his best to protect the people he cared about so that he never loses someone like he lost Lance again? He gets to keep his promise to carry on the legacy of the Knights even after they died. THE POTENTIAL WAS THERE!!! THE SET UP WAS THERE!!! BUT NO! WE GET MPREG STEVE INSTEAD!!

[sheepfulsheepyardinspace]

Do you have any Star Wars fanfic recommendations, or have a link to someone else's list? I really wanna veg out.

oh my god, DO I. this may have been the best ask in the world. i’m not really sure what u want a feel for, so i threw together some of my favorite longfics for maximum veg time from the ot/pt and links for swr and swtcw recs. they’re pretty much all luke-anakin/vader centric, since that’s kinda my bread and butter.

let’s start with frodogenic, who wrote the first longfic i ever read in sw and might be one of the funniest authors ever. they once reviewed my fanfic & i nearly cried from joy. anyway. 

The Father, 284k+, complete. “Ten years after ROTS, tormenting nightmares of his unborn child drive Darth Vader to extraordinary measures with unexpectedly drastic consequences. Clearly, experience has taught Darth Vader nothing...” 

this is my og star wars fic and boy oh boy is it amazing. i will never get over this. i don’t want to spoil anything but when i say the final chapters are great? i mean they’re legendary. sometimes i still think about them & wish upon a star that i could be such a great writer. vader’s amazing, han is spectacular, and the ocs are fantastic.

Far More Than Rubies, 70k+, complete. “Nine years after AOTC, tragedy revisits the Lars Homestead. Little Luke Skywalker is suddenly plunged into chaos as the rebel movements discover a secret military project that may make a crucial difference in the war with the Empire.”

the spiritual twin of The Father, FMTR takes a look at padmé’s character and relationship with both luke and anakin/vader that’s hard to beat. it’s darker and heavier than The Father, but it hits those same sweet, sweet emotional beats while raising the age-old question: if padmé had lived, what would she have done?

The Family Tree, 12k, complete. “In which Luke Skywalker is stranded in a tree waiting for a flash flood to recede. Too bad he's got company...”

okay, i admit, this isn’t a longfic, but it is a longshot, and it’s amazing. the imagery and description always blow me away, and the interaction (canon-compliant) between luke and vader just [chef’s kiss] get me. vader’s in full, glorious form, and it makes it all the harder when luke wrestles with the knowledge that vader is his father.

Sibling Revelry, 25k, complete. “After Bespin and before Endor, Darth Vader is shocked to discover that Luke and Leia are twins. He's even more shocked when Imperial Intelligence reports that Organa and Skywalker are, erm, a tad closer than previously suspected.”

this is complete crack and humor in the best way possible. it’s crack treated entirely seriously, and you will be in stitches, i promise. no matter how many times i’ve read this i break down.

KittandChips (@kittandchips) writes what i can only describe as food for the soul. the luke-vader interaction is insanely amazing, the world building of daily imperial life and imperial governance is amazing, and vader just has a special je ne sais quoi that u must read to understand––tragic, funny, and so, so fatherly. they’re currently rewriting the Force Bond Series to fit in with newer canon, so i will joyously binge reread the entire again (including the new Force Bond: Mustafar Weekend).

Force Bond 1: Orphan, 47k, complete. “After Owen and Beru are killed by a mysterious stranger, young Luke ends up as an orphan on Coruscant. It's a race against time as Obi-Wan struggles to find Luke before Vader realizes the boy is his son.”

Orphan kicks off the series, which tracks vader and luke’s relationship through the perils of luke’s teenagerhood while growing up under the eye of the emperor and imperial court. it’s filled with slow growth, struggle and misunderstandings as darth vader tries to single parent, and pay off in every installment. the entire series clocks in around 777k+ and is the most joyful, fulfilling reading you’ll ever have. promise.

darth-nickels (@darth--nickels) writes darker, twistier, and terribly, terribly heartwrenching aus. they’ve got a whole host, but let me introduce to my two favorites. also, check out their faux-academia on vader. it’s amazing and i love it, but i admit i am an academia hoe.

Dooku Captured, Pt 2, 16k, complete. “Dooku is taken alive onboard the Invisible Hand, and Sidious' web is torn. The Sith Lord wonders if death might have been preferable to clumsy interrogation by Anakin Skywalker.”

Dooku Captured is a longshot au told from Dooku’s pov which takes the beginning of ROTS and throws it on its head. it’s a fascinating outside perspective of anakin and obi-wan’s relationship and such and interesting examination of dooku’s psyche and especially his complex relationship with the jedi order, qui-gon, yoda, and palpatine. i cannot rec this one enough.

Black Mirror, 90k, incomplete. “The Ghost crew returns to the Lothal when they hear the Empire is investigating the Jedi Temple there. They learn Vader is alone and decide to take him out-- but what they find could change the course of Galactic history.”

Black Mirror diverges into swr territory, but make no mistake: this is entirely an examination of vader and, later, obi-wan as well as ahsoka. luke makes his appearance later in the game, and boy oh boy will you love luke’s portrayal is a microcosm of luke and vader’s relationship within canon. heed the tags, though.

jerseydevious ( @jerseydevious ) is, first and foremost, one of my favorite people on earth. secondly, though, she’s an amazing writer with a deep understanding of vader’s character and psyche, a flair for beautiful depictions, and the true ability to wring every emotion out of your body.

Two and a Half Men (with a baby), 13k, incomplete. “After a long day of bargaining with Hutts and attempting to ignore his past, Darth Vader is nearing the end of his rope. When he discovers his two-year-old son, it's the straw that breaks the semi-rational Sith Lord's back; in a rash act worthy of the Skywalker name, he scoops his son into his arms, steals a shuttle from his own fleet, and punches in random hyperspace coordinates to a destination on the other side of the galaxy. Unfortunately, father and son are not the only ones on the ship.”

Two and a Half Men will stick with you, dude. like no other. i promise. it’s a whirlwind ride with obi-wan, vader, and piett and as funny as it is heartbreaking. it touches on some heavy issues and doesn’t shy away from looking at the damage done to vader––again, heed the tags.

Helioseismology, 4k, complete. “Luke gets shot down on a supply run and caught in an ice storm. It's extremely lucky that his father followed him there.“

i’ll admit. im completely biased about this one because it was a birthday gift to me and i am sucker for litcherally anything when jd puts pen to paper, but believe me when i say you will be awed by the depth and tangled relationships between these luke and vader that jersey can illustrate in a stroke of the paintbrush. im love. always.

izzythehutt ( @izzythehutt ) i am blown away by the intricate dialogue and characterization, always. and the latin puns? im sold. im also a sucker for latin puns, but that’s a story for a different time.

In Loco Pirates, 34k, complete. “A down-on-his-luck Hondo Ohnaka manages to capture the unicorn of all bounties--Luke Skywalker, which sends Darth Vader, Lord of the Sith, on a painfully familiar trip to the planet Florrum to collect his prize. The failed negotiations leave Vader in the awkward position of being stuck in a besieged pirate bunker, trying to balance keeping his wayward child safe (and in his custody) with controlling the tongue of a loose-lipped pirate who--to the surprise of no one--has a bad habit of telling 'amusing' anecdotes from the Clone Wars.”

hondo, aka the best character of swtcw, is brought to life just as vividly on paper as on screen. his entire personality brings luke and vader’s difficulties in a sort of incredulous light, which makes it as funny as it is vulnerable and tragic. the sequel, Palpatine Ad Portas, brings piett into the spotlight, and oh man do his interactions with palpatine and vader bring u all the uncomfortable vibes. relish in it.

sparklight ( @littlesparklight ) man. lemme introduce u to an amazing prolific and detailed writer. i will never get over the series they’ve written & neither will u.

Where Our Intrepid Hero Doesn’t Get Away, 122k, incomplete. “One-shots surrounding either AU situations of canon/legends works where Luke would normally have gotten away (or Vader is simply inserted into the action to come pick his child up) but in these instances doesn't, or completely new scenarios of the same. There are no deep ruminations on consequences of the situations here, just our awful Sith dad picking his son up when he'd rather not be.”

exactly what it says on the tin. u know those glorious moments of fanfic where luke’s gotten captured and ur on pins and needles, waiting for vader to show up in a moment of dark glory? here’s the moment. here’s all the moments.

Space Race, 122k, incomplete. “Owen gives in to Luke's wish to attend the Imperial Academy and Obi-Wan is too late to avert it, though he's not too late to make sure Luke leaves Arkanis before Vader can gets his hands on him. Luke spends over a month running around the galaxy before his father gets him, and from there...”

this story relishes in chase and boy is it fun. it will keep you on the edge of your seat and it’s an amazing ride.

The Suns of Tatooine, 85k, complete. “Luke ends up on a moon swamped in dark side energy after a mission goes wrong, then his father appears... and then they go on a bit of a learning experience. This could've been the only thing that would come of getting through a Sith complex with his father, but thanks to going to free Han earlier than the gang did otherwise, more revelations are had. Will that change anything?”

this series is a thoughtful, contemplative piece examining the nature of the force and the relationship the skywalkers have with tatooine. the descriptions are beautiful, the inventiveness is amazing, and you’ll be thinking about it for long afterwards.

an additional few…

Between Flight and Longing; 34k, complete. “Luke Skywalker and Han Solo journey to the planet Balen'ar on a desperate mission and find more than they'd bargained for.”

a classic and it is for a reason. the interaction between han, luke, and vader is so spectacular and the slow trudge of going through the forest with your greatest enemy and best friend is something hilarious. the end is bittersweet and fantastic.

The Sith Who Brought Life Day, 13k, complete. “An Imperial officer loses a bet and has to get Darth Vader a present for Life Day.”

somewhere between terrifying and dull, this fic presents a canon-compliant look at the hunt for luke and the grinding wheels of the empire. the oc is amazing and it echoes in true star wars spirit: sometimes it’s just some dude who can change the galaxy.

Quintessence, 5k, complete. ‘“Well, Master, I think I’ve found the one positive aspect of this situation.” “Which is?” “The Temple won’t have to pay the costs for our funeral pyres.”’

pure hilarity and shenanigans abound in pre-aotc obi-wan and anakin hijink goodness. lemme tell u––u will deeply sympathize with mace windu afterwards. additionally, check out the rest of the author’s oneshots! they’re deeply thoughtful and the interactions the author writes between obi-wan and anakin are always gold.

some extras & shameless self-promotion

here’s a full list of recommendations for star wars rebels fanfic in case this is what you’re looking for (remember when this used to be a swr blog, lmao)

i’ve also written sw fanfic, both swr and luke-vader centric. drop by and tell me if it’s any good!

[recentanimenews]

SPOILER-FILLED REVIEW: Talking About That Evangelion 3.0+1.0 Ending

  A note on safety: The following movie review undertook the strictest of safety procedures to watch the anime film in cinemas in Japan, including washing hands with disinfectant before and after, sitting in seats apart from others, going to a cinema outside of the busy metro area, and wearing a mask during the entire runtime of the movie. We strongly urge everyone to follow the recommended safety protocol in your country and always wear a mask when in public — not just for your sake, but everyone else’s as well.

  For those who are outside of Japan and want to know how the latest (and final) Evangelion film stacks up, we have already published our completely spoiler-free review. For those that want to know more, please read on.

    After the airing of the NHK documentary which followed Hideaki Anno and the four-year production of Evangelion: 3.0+1.0 Thrice Upon a Time, the unofficial “spoiler ban” was lifted by Studio Khara on March 22. This means, as much as Khara is concerned, we are free to discuss anything and everything Evangelion: 3.0+1.0, like how [omitted for spoilers] kills [spoilers] and LCL [spoilers]. 

  Seriously though, if you don’t want to read any spoilers for Evangelion: 3.0+1.0, then leave. Immediately. Close the tab, don’t scroll down.

  This is a warning.

  I’m not kidding.

    I’m putting an image here as a buffer. It's sweet right?

    If you scroll past the next image you will be spoiled for everything in the film. This is your last warning.

  "Asuka" as a kid

  Welcome to Evangelion: 3.0+1.0 Thrice Upon a Time where I may have lied in my previous review, cause things go tumbling down — but in a good way. You’ll have to forgive me if I don’t recall the exact right terminology here on out: between the Doors of Guf, the hundreds of Evangelion models and ships we see, and that ending, it’s hard to keep it all in one head. That’s why this film has four directors. 

  If you’re already here, you’ve probably read the synopsis going around the internet right now. Yes, it explains what happens on screen, but experiencing it is a different story. Evangelion 3.0+1.0 takes a lot of cues from The End of Evangelion in its final act, but prior to that it is mostly a story of growth for Shinji, where he rejects being depressed (after a heart to heart with black-suit Rei, who then turns into LCL), learns that things aren’t 100% his fault. Shinji goes on to tackle his source of depression head-on; owning up to his past mistakes and taking down his father, who is now literally just a vessel of his own desires.

  Unholy Gendo

  Something truly missing from Evangelion 3.0, and one of the reasons I loved Evangelion 2.22, was just the gang hanging out together and interacting with the — very scarred — world around them. That scar has vastly grown throughout the 14 years Shinji was missing from the actual 3rd impact (the one at the end of 2.22 was a “near-impact event”) which saw the world covered in the red haze we saw in 3.0. Luckily, WILLE has purification pods that keep the core-ification of the world at bay. We saw that being used in the 12-minute preview, but throughout the film, they’re used extensively to keep the Evangelion wandering the landscapes on the red earth away from the villages that are helping the WILLE cause. They need to get food from somewhere.

  This is where we spend a lot of time learning how the characters from Shinji’s class all survived, got paired off, and that Asuka is staying (and is probably in love) with Kensuke. She confesses to Shinji that she loved him when they were kids, but 28-year-old Asuka can’t keep loving someone who hasn’t changed in 14 years. Shinji does accept the confession, saying to her that he loved her too, and she turns into LCL — though that’s in the Anti-Universe and after Asuka meets the “original” Asuka (I’ll get into that). As I said, it’s The End of Evangelion 2.0.

  Rei discovering herself in the village

  One of the nicest parts of the film is black-suit Rei discovering human emotion and society in the village. Being a clone that likely spent all of her time locked in her room (and without the love of the now inhuman Gendo, which original Rei got), it was unlikely that she learned anything that makes humans human. The concept of “hello” and babies from Toji and Hikari confuses her as she finds a place herself in this village. Admittedly, it was sad to see her go and turn into LCL (from a lack of LCL exposure), but serving as the catalyst for Shinji to get over himself and face his demons was worth it … I guess?

  After this, Shinji grows up. Even Mari on a re-introductory sniff claims as much. During his time in the village, he discovers how the settlement stays afloat and that the 14-year-old son of Misato and Kaji (the latter perished in the real 3rd impact) helps keep the village alive. A picture of Shinji and Kaji Jr. helps warm Misato’s chilled heart and gives her the confidence to let Shinji pilot Unit 01 again, much to the disdain of multiple members of the WILLE crew.

  All of this is nice. Unlike the despair and hopelessness felt in 3.0, the entire first three parts of the film are uplifting and bring moments of joy. Seeing black-suit Rei smile as she came to terms with herself was just utterly beautiful.

  Then Shinji decides to get in the robot. 

    This is where I’m going to get into the Hideaki Anno talk, because this film, as well as the rest of the anime versions of the Evangelion franchise up to this point, is basically just a self-examination of the man’s mental state. In the spoiler-free review, I called Evangelion: 3.0+1.0 the antithesis of Evangelion: 3.0. And that’s true, but it is also an antithesis to The End of Evangelion: A rejection of the depression Anno felt while creating the 20-plus-year-old film. There’s no doubt in my mind that the journey of Shinji through these Rebuild films is the journey of Anno creating Evangelion, with 3.0 being the lowest point.

  But this isn’t just felt in the story of 3.0+1.0, it’s also felt in the way it was presented. The entire final act of the film is basically a happier version of the “tumbling down” scene from The End of Evangelion, just with some more interesting aspects to it along with some inventive filmmaking — including making Lillith’s face live-action. That was haunting.

    This includes the above scene, which got a lot of flak on social media for being very poorly animated when it appeared in a trailer. Even I was confused over the inclusion of such poor animation in what is one of the most hyped anime films of all time. Funnily enough, it was Anno trolling. The scene comes from the ending, where the two Eva’s fight through the history of Evangelion, with this scene either representing a testing stage for CGI or one of the many Evangelion video games. The poor animation makes sense in the film … mostly.

  Over multiple film-like sets, the two Evangelions duke it out — one with Shinji, the other Gendo — over their ideals. This takes them to Misato’s apartment, the school, and even where Pen-Pen (or his offspring, I don’t know how long Penguins live) resides in 3.0+1.0. Before cutting to each of the different scenes, an Eva smashes through the set wall and onto a production stage. 

  I also said in the spoiler-free review that Anno “takes everything he knows about animation and filmmaking to deliver the perfect end to Evangelion,” and it shows when you see the (animated) production stage filled with props, miniature cities, and controls that you’d probably see on a production stage for a live-action Evangelion. Again though, this part is animated.

    Mari at the End

  The surrealness doesn’t end here. When Shinji “wins” and chooses to reset the world without Evangelion, the animation breaks. Shinji devolves into key animation, then layouts, then into a storyboard, which is then broken by Mari bringing color back into Shinji’s world on that beach. No “how disgusting” here, only happiness.

  The film ends with an adult Mari and an adult Shinji at Ube Station. As the music of Hikaru Utada’s “One Last Kiss” swelled up through the speakers, the animated backgrounds slowly transitioned into a live-action drone shot of the area surrounding the hometown of Hideaki Anno. 

  A poster for Evangelion: 3.0+1.0 showing Shinji on the tracks outside Ube Station, which I discussed when the poster was first released. 

  This is how I know Hideaki Anno is done with Evangelion. While yes, he has said he is done and feels no personal connection to the franchise anymore, the end of the film is a deeply personal one that clearly shows the anime creator cares about his creation and is now happy enough to see leave home and become its own thing — if anyone else chooses to pick it up.

  Shin Evangelion (the Japanese name for the film) is the true form of Evangelion that Anno set out to create over 25 years ago. While it wouldn’t have looked anything like it does now, the emotion poured into one of the longest animated films ever made makes that point as clear as the bright blue sea.

  Some other various interesting spoiler points:

  I’m not sure if character designer Yoshiyuki Sadamoto was lying about him not knowing Mari’s story and just making that one-shot chapter of the Evangelion manga on a whim or whether Anno took what Sadamoto wrote and expanded on it, cause Mari was right there in school with Gendo and Yui exactly as the chapter laid it out. Unless she’s also a clone...

There’s a really good shot of CG Asuka trying to force-feed Shinji, which was a direct evolution from this test footage back in 2018.

On the topic of Asuka, she had a small version of a purification pod in her eye that, when opened, unleashed an angel, and in turn let her meet her “original.” It’s not explained whether the original is Langley Soryu from the TV anime series or not.

Also, she’s a clone, like Rei and Kaworu as part of the “Shikinami” series. Interestingly, Mari Makinami also has “nami” in her name...

Ritsuko did nothing but shoot Gendo, mimicking the scene from The End of Evangelion. The shot was as useless as her character arc in the Rebuild films.

This film has to be set in at least the third continuity of Evangelion, as the TV series is directly referenced in the production stage and thrice does mean three...

Sakura is one of the most grounded characters in the film, with her asking the true question of “why the heck are you letting him in ANOTHER Evangelion?!” Let’s hope the live-action world she is now in is good to her.

      Evangelion: 3.0+1.0 Thrice Upon a Time is currently showing in theaters across Japan, there’s no word on an international release at this stage.

        Daryl Harding is a Japan Correspondent for Crunchyroll News. He also runs a YouTube channel about Japan stuff called TheDoctorDazza, tweets at @DoctorDazza, and posts photos of his travels on Instagram. 

  Do you love writing? Do you love anime? If you have an idea for a features story, pitch it to Crunchyroll Features.

By: Daryl Harding

[fandom-thingies]

My Complicated Feelings Toward JK Rowling

I think everyone who’s read Harry Potter and likes to talk has written something like this by now. It makes sense, right? She wrote possibly the most influential book series to come out in the last century. For me and many others, those books are an unforgettable part of our childhoods, and it hurts for the person who took us on such a journey of magic and wonder to be so unmagical herself.

So, here’s my take.

I think the thing I hate most about JK Rowling is how close she came to greatness.

There’s a reason her books became so popular, after all. For all her faults, (and there are many) she’s an amazing writer.

Every one of her characters feel like they could walk off of the page at any time and into your life. 

Dudley Dursley with his absorption of how his parents treat Harry and how his friends treat him, with his slow growth throughout the books into a person beyond who he was raised to be.

Molly Weasley with her overbearing mother henning, sometimes harmful but oh so clearly coming from a place of love, and her complete willingness to adopt any child that stands still long enough for her to do so. (Except Fleur)

Narcissa Malfoy with her belief in the horrible things she’s doing, without that stopping her from being entirely willing to do anything for her child.

Sirius Black with his tendency to unintentionally echo the sentiments he was raised with, and the tragedy of him losing his chance to ever truly grow as a person after being thrown in Azkaban for twelve years and then dying so soon after, and his complete, unconditional love for Harry.

I could write essays on any of them, and my point is that while JK’s treatment of certain issues and characters makes me want to hate Harry Potter, her characterization itself is both consistent and magnificently human.

Her world, too, is beautiful.

I first read Harry Potter before I turned eleven, and I was one of many across the nation who awaited my letter with eager anticipation. 

Can you blame me? The world she created filled so many children with wonder, made so many of us want so badly for magic to be real, to be ours- 

It was beautiful, and I hate her for what she could have been.

She had this fully realized system of prejudice that canonically created genocidal maniacs and put them in power every two generations or so, and she had this very realistic way of writing horribly flawed people that pronounces them as people without exonerating them for the awful things she’d have them do, and I can’t help feeling like “the horrors of war”, as well as she wrote it, wasn’t the story her world deserved.

But that’s a big idea to tackle, and I think it will be tackled best if I start small. I’ve spoken now of the beauty of her world, of her characters. Now I’ll speak of what marrs it.

Like I said, I want to start small.

So, let’s talk about the house elves.

TL;DR? Hermione was right. They’re indoctrinated from birth into believing the only thing they’re good for is housework, as well as being raised to abhor any elf who chooses to do otherwise. It’s a neat little self perpetuating system that bears absolutely no similarity in ideology to the mythology JK built it off of, and as such loses the aspect of choice that’s so significant to brownies.

Add to that the socially acceptable abuse, and you’ve got something that looks far more similar to slavery than it does little fairies who come to clean your home and get mad if pay them because they’re doing it as a favor.

And that’s why it’s so concerning, when JK brushes Hermione’s campaigning off in canon so casually.

It’s honestly hard to say when I started to be leery of JK Rowling, except that it was several years before the TERF scandal occurred. I think this was probably one of the earlier areas, though.

The first time I remember wondering if Harry Potter’s greatnesses were in spite of her intentions, rather than because of them, though, wasn’t the house elves.

It was, rather, a different contentious issue in the fandom, and one I’ve always fallen quite firmly to one side of, as someone who’s been bullied myself.

The first time I remember being suspicious of JK’s beliefs was when I realized she didn’t write Snape with the intent for him to be a villain.

Snape is not a person anyone in the fandom seems to be able to agree on. Some see him as a flat, cartoony villain, while some see him as a tortured soul who only did all those terrible things because he was hurting inside, don’t you see? 

Personally, I drew the line at him being a child’s boggart, as well as the time he attempted to kill Neville’s toad, Trevor, because seriously; what the fuck.

It had always been my belief that while him being obsessed with loving Lily motivated him to work on the side of good, it was more like Narcissa’s willingness to betray her cause for her son than anything else, being a sympathetic trait without absolving his cruelty.

Then I realized that a bunch of people (likely including JK) view Narcissa similarly to how they view Snape, seeing both as people who do bad but are good, rather than people who do good but are bad, and I honestly don’t know what to say to y’all.

You know having good traits doesn’t make a person good, right? Being capable of affection doesn’t absolve people of cruelty or make it your responsibility to forgive them and try to get them to change, it just tells them that they can do bad things without being punished for it. 

Do you guys need an abuse hotline? 

Anyway, that’s when I stopped liking JK, since I’ve been bullied myself and seeing her treat such a horrible bully as a good person kinda soured me on her. I’m not mad at her for letting her bullies grow and change- I love Draco’s and Dudley’s character arcs. I’m just mad at her because unlike those two, Snape is an adult and she kinda wrote it like forgiving him was an expectation of Harry, rather than a personal choice (and not an easy one either! Forgiving bullies is hard and it’s not always healthy!)

I’m getting off topic, but I genuinely believe that discussing this kind of thing is important, so I’m leaving that in.

Getting back to what this is actually about, I’m the kind of person who sees potential in things, often before I see the work itself, (it’s why I write fanfiction) and Harry Potter has so much potential it hurts, because so much of it is just wasted.

I said, earlier, that “the horrors of war” wasn’t the story best suited to this world, and I stand by that.

The first reason I believe that is because I don’t think that the black and white morality this kind of narrative often creates was well suited to JK’s writing style. JK has a tendency to put her characters in boxes of “good” or “bad” and as someone who doesn’t really believe in inherent goodness or evil, this will always feel unrealistic to me.

Because in the end, it’s JK’s minor villains, the ones not directly involved with Voldemort’s war, that really shine.

My favorite villains in the series were Umbridge, the Dursleys, Draco Malfoy, and Cornelius Fudge, because they were the villains who felt real, who felt like flawed people making flawed decisions because we’re all fundamentally products of our environment-

These are the villains who stuck with me, who I still want to take and shake because they were the kind of cruelty we’ve all faced.

Voldemort, as the main villain of the story, would have been more powerful if he’d been an amplified version of these people. In fact, the story would have been better in general if Fudge or Dumbledore had been the villain, because the problem with Voldemort is that unlike the good villains in this story, who feel real because we’ve all met people like them, Voldemort is and will always be larger than life.

A genocidal maniac is a villain few of us have faced societally, and one none of us have faced directly.

Also, rather than being a worse version of Umbridge or Fudge, Voldemort is more akin to a worse version of Snape. He’s a tortured soul who does bad things because bad things were done to him, rather than being cruel through his choices, his own agency.

That’s the first reason why “the horrors of war” wasn’t the best choice of a narrative for this world.

The second is that I don’t think JK sees anything wrong with her muggle hating characters.

She clearly thinks killing muggles is wrong, of course. She’s not that bad.

But, well, the muggle characters in Harry Potter are consistently kind of awful.

First there’s the Dursleys, selfish, entitled, egotistical, and cruel to anyone different from them. Then there’s Snape’s muggle father, who was horribly abusive, as well as cruel to anything different from him.

Then there’s the muggle prime minister, who despite being an important figure, is left completely out of the loop for anything concerning wizards, pretty much only used when the ministry needs the muggle news to say or do a certain thing, like when Sirius Black was declared a criminal.

There’s also the family at the quidditch world cup, of whom who only meet the patriarch, a somewhat stupid man who remarks uncomprehendingly on the oddness of wizards trying to assimilate into muggle society, a man who is canonically obliviated ten times a day.

And that’s it, that’s all the muggle characters I can remember. Aside from the Dursleys, none of them are given more than a page or so of screentime, and none of them do anything significant.

No, wait, I did actually forget two.

Hermione’s parents, who are obliviated and sent to Australia when the war starts, because the only thing they could ever do in a war is be victims.

Muggles in Harry Potter are consistently stupid, ineffectual, and cruel to anyone different from them.

Out of the entire massive cast of Harry Potter, there are few enough muggles that I can list them all off the top of my head without googling and the only muggle in the story ever given the all important chance to be kind is Dudley Dursley, who is taken out of the story the moment he stops being an awful person.

I’m sure you see the problem.

The issue with Harry Potter is that JK acts like the problem is solved when muggles are no longer being actively persecuted, when in reality that’s only the beginning of solving the prejudice that plagues her world.

Voldemort is frequently called “wizard Hitler” and I think that’s more accurate than people realize, because as with Hitler, people easily see the problem with Voldemort committing genocide, and they’re fine with working to stop that, but the moment they’re asked to examine their own biases, their own small cruelties and exclusions, the ten thousand cuts they’ve inflicted with their own hands…

The moment people are asked to examine themselves, to look close at the mirror and point to what allowed someone like Voldemort to gain a following in the first place, they turn away and go back to turning a blind eye to the fact that if you don’t address the societal issues that made him gain a following in the first place, there’ll just be another when it’s been a few years and people have forgotten.

In the end, Grindlewald is wizard Hitler. Voldemort and the death eaters are wizard neo nazis.

I’m not Jewish, though, so I’ll let them be the ones to expand further upon this, as many have.

My point here is that JK’s story would have been more powerful if it had been about addressing the issues that underpin the death eaters, rather than killing their leader and acting as if that’ll solve anything.

JK Rowling is antisemetic, racist, and a TERF, among other things, and while I’m glad it shows in her work as little as it does, it does show, and I’m not going to cover that in this because a thousand other people have covered it better than I ever could.

Suffice to say, I’m nonbinary, and I’m glad I was disillusioned with her before I knew she was prejudiced directly against me, because loving her before she said the things she said and did the things she did would have hurt.

The fact that her world shows so clearly the consequences of her beliefs, even in the context of a prejudice that doesn’t exist in our own world…

I guess she’s always been too good a writer for her own good, in the end.

[21secondsofchristoph]

Here is a full translation of the interview featured in Max Magazine.

Original text by Andreas Wrede

This was a lot of work so PLEASE don’t post this elsewhere without credit. 

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This story with and about Christoph Waltz is a story coming full circle. A little more than 3 decades ago, a small group of editors and photojournalists, graphic artists and authors started developing the pilot for the first German issue of MAX, made possible by Dirk Manthey, the publisher from Hamburg’s Milchstraße, who knew the magazine from Italy, France and Greece. And who made me the founding-editor in chief. Three decades later, the derivative is released, thanks to publisher Max Iannucci. In 1990, Christoph Waltz was in an episode of “Der Alte”, among other things before he played the torn schlager music star Roy Black in “Du bist nicht allein – Die Roy Black Story” – but we will get to that later.

Now Christoph Waltz is an award-winning, internationally known actor, who won two Oscars for best supporting actor. That is unique for a German-speaking actor. Born in Vienna in 1956, he now lives in Los Angeles – if you want to play a role in Hollywood, literally, you must be present in Los Angeles. And during our conversation in a red, furry saloon of the legendary hotel Sacher in Vienna, he emphasizes, “Hollywood is always the goal”.  

The place is very fitting, considering Christoph Waltz grew up in Vienna, in a family that cultivated a great affinity for the work on stage for two generations. He says laconically, “You grow into a thing, you grow up with it, and thus, you acquire a familiarity early on, which you’d otherwise have to conquer with a lot more effort.” He often went to the movies from an early age on, but he spent even more time at the opera. “When I had time and had finished my homework, I enjoyed going to the opera.” Back then, a standing room ticket cost about ten Schilling, just a few cents in today’s currency. Little Christoph loved smuggling into the fascinating, secretive opera house.

Later he attended famous acting schools like the Max Reinhardt Seminar or Lee Strasberg’s Actors Studio with significantly less pleasure. “I didn’t like attending acting schools. They didn’t exactly broaden my horizon.” Christoph Waltz hardly found them inspiring. And when he received offers for movies and theater, he accepted them “instead of dealing and struggling with teachers”. He says this with few gestures and in an almost reporting tone, he has always trusted the energies inherent in him. He had his TV debut in “Der Einstand”, where he played a teenage delinquent. That was fitting, considering he continued playing roles which were different, unexpected, and specific, or roles he filled differently, unexpectedly, and specifically.

Christoph Waltz remembers his beginnings as an actor in the 70s a little wistfully. “There were still movies on TV, which were made as movies for television, as one dramatic entity.” Or when there used to be directors like the great Federico Fellini, who was “very, very specifically Italian in everything he did.” Christoph Waltz continues: “And because of this specificity he was able to reach so many people.” A phenomenon like Fellini is marked by obstinacy, nonconformity, and distinct individuality. However, some significant conditions also irritated Christoph Waltz, for instance, when he was hired for the Krzysztof-Zanussi-film “Leben für Leben” in 1991. “I wasn’t adequately informed about the conditions and backgrounds. And so, I found myself – surpsised – in front of a camera in Auschwitz.” How does one react to something like that? “Today, I would know how to react”, he stresses thoughtfully, “but today, that would be due to the self-confidence I acquired over the past years. Back then I felt: Now I’ve been hired for this film.” Alright, he adds, one grows through experience, some conflicts are worth going through. “It helps building character.”

Was the decision to play Roy Black a crystal clear one? Not at all, he responds smiling and closes his eyes for a second. “When my agent called me about it, my spontaneous reaction was: Complete humbug, and I can’t even listen to this music for three seconds.” It only became interesting for him when he learned that Roy Black originally wanted to play Rock ‘n’ Roll. Then he became interested in the tragedy of this character. And the thought that Roy Black’s wish was the desire for freedom and wildness, a wish many Germans shared, “which was inherent in the promising American machinery.” Although this freedom and wildness had always existed in Germany, lived out by people like Nietzsche, Schopenhauer, or Kandinsky.

“The film itself was great, but the marketing-weisenheimers managed to break this film. It would be a great cine film, but they advertised it as a sob story for television. Consequently, the real Roy-Black fans were disappointed, while the people who might have been interested in the movie judged: Leave me alone with this sob story twerp. Well, the weisenheimers are the weisenheimers, what can you do”, deems Christoph Waltz with a beautiful touch of Viennese sarcasm and barely noticeable risen eyebrows. One does not always have to instrumentalize the entire acting equipment with him. A few little cues are enough.

Many more films follow before someone calls from Hollywood and say he is supposed to participate in Tarantino’s Inglourious Basterds. In our interview he calls this his “Quentin-jump”, where he is at eye level with Diane Kruger, Brad Pitt and Michael Fassbender in front of the camera. “Tarantino, we mentioned this before, stands for specificity and authenticity, he has an eye for both.” Did Christoph Waltz go into this production with a lot of respect? “With great respect.” He remembers an encounter with Sylvester Groth in front of a theatre in Babelsberg. “Every Thursday, Quentin showed movies during preparation. Once, Sylvester and I stood in front of the theatre and we both said: Imagine this, now we’ve been doing this for so long and suddenly we find ourselves here.” Then we paused for a few moments and kept going: Yes, and despite everything, we’re doing what we’ve always done – what we do, because that is what we do.”

Before Tarantino’s office could call again, other international projects followed, like The Green Hornet (with Cameron Diaz, Tom Wilkinson, James Franco) or Carnage (with Jodie Foster, Kate Winslet, John C. Reilly). Then Django Unchained (with Jamie Foxx, Leonardo DiCaprio, Samuel L. Jackson). For his role in Django Unchained, Christoph Waltz wins his second Oscar for best supporting actor in 2013 and Quentin wins another one for best original screenplay. But Christoph Waltz remains humble: “The opportunities presented to someone for personal growth always come to you through other people.” Although the actor always makes a binary decision. “Yes or no. Am I going to do it or not.”

Can one also make the wrong decision? “You decide for one or the other and from that other possibilities develop, but neither is better or worse.” That was not any different for Quentin Tarantino or for his first film and its director Reinhard Schwabenitzky, who saw him in acting school. Christoph Waltz leans forward and says confidentially: “The essential chances and opportunities were those which were presented to me by another mind, by a great talent, through a vision, which came from another person.” Nothing more, nothing less.

Yes, humility is a virtue. But we do not want to conceal the fact that Christoph Waltz was the first German-speaking host on Saturday Night Live and that he received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame (No. 2536, 6667 Hollywood Boulevard). The quote: “And Hollywood is always the goal.” Is correct, “like others say their goal is to get into heaven.” Hollywood, heaven: “I don’t mean to compare the two goals, but the setting of these goals. Especially Hollywood has been mythologized into more than it deserves credit for.” In this respect, as a myth, it is always the goal. Please don't tell anyone Christoph Waltz is over-the-top - the opposite is the case.

During our exchange in the Sacher, I mention one of my favorite books on film. It is Peter Biskind’s Easy Riders, Raging Bulls – How the Sex-Drugs-And-Rock’n’roll Generation saved Hollywood. It says: „There is no worse career move in Hollywood than dying. Hal Ashby is now largely forgotten, because he had the misfortune to die at the end of the 80’s, but he had the most remarkable run of any ’70 director. After ‚The Landlord‘, in 1970, he made ‚Harold and Maude‘, ‚The Last Detail‘, ‚Shampoo‘, ‚Bound for Glory‘, ‚Coming Home‘ and ‚Being there‘ in 1979, before his career disappeared into the dark tunnel of post-‘70’s, Me Decade Drugs and paranoia.“

It can be assumed that this won’t happen to Christoph Waltz? “That is a good example for the mythologizing I was referring to”, he responds. “I would claim that a legend like James Dean probably wouldn’t have developed at all, had he not driven himself to death in his Porsche at such a young age. Who knows what would have become of Marilyn Monroe, had she not put an early end to her complicated life.” And parallel to Hal Ashby, there probably were thousands of directors, who would have been happy to pay their next rent – by working in their profession. It is therefor about comparativeness.

Onto another career step, the James Bond movie Spectre, in which Christoph Waltz portrays the dark Blofeld, a character, who appeared in previous Bond movies. How do we have to imagine that? One sunny day the agent comes along and says: “You’re on the list for the next Bond movie”? Christoph Waltz knows there are no rules to this, especially when it is something like James Bond. A series that has been at the peak of possibilities for more than 50 years.” The producers have a lot to lose, they have to look very closely. Not only to keep up the standard, they also want to be ahead of their time.

Was it intriguing to play this bad boy a second time? Is it about an additional nuance of expertly irony; is it about the myth that is Bond? “This was another unique opportunity for me”, says Christoph Waltz, “a unique opportunity to include myself into such an incredibly successful series.”  Now after Spectre, for the second time in No Time To Die – a title that can offer a bit of comfort in times of the world wide covid pandemic. And Christoph Waltz is in the Bond movie that will be Daniel Craig’s final Bond. “It’s his fourth Bond movie”, he counts, “the actors change but the role remains the same. Of course, the role acquires a different profile and thus, different facets.” But it remains James Bond. “And when a new actor gets the role, he has to fit into the role, not the other way around.” Once again, we will have to wait for this Bond movie. It will probably hit theatres in spring 2021.

It reminds one of Shakespeare’s Troilus and Cressida – we’ve seen it a dozen times but keep going to see it again. Nowadays you go to see the production, in the past you went to see whosit faithless. Speaking of productions: Are the demands towards a Bond director more extensive compared to other film projects? “Surely there are more things to keep an eye on compared to a low budget movie or an independent film. In productions like that, you often have to use the tools you have. In Denmark they had demands referring to this “, Christoph Waltz comments in a slightly mocking undertone. He means the group around Lars von Trier? “Precisely, they called it Dogma for fun, and the world took them seriously.” But that is part of it, right, part of the business.

Anyway, every little detail is carefully manufactured for a Bond movie.  And that takes, apart from a lot of money, a great level of expertise and many employees, which combine into a story on film. “Legions of people work on every pixel, not to mention the light and the meaning of the music.” With all this in mind, it’s understandable how appealing it is to be in a movie like No Time To Die. Christoph Waltz has a lot of praise for the director, Cary Fukanaga: “He always knew exactly what he was doing and we knew exactly, why he did this or that”. Audiences were able to see this in previous projects, like the brilliant first season of True Detective, where he directed all eight episodes.

Christoph Waltz wouldn’t be Christoph Waltz if he didn’t show his extraordinary talents in unconventional projects as well, like the show Most Dangerous Game (with Liam Hemsworth, produced for Quibi). “What interested me there? The new dramatic form, it’s a story in 16 sections, each section only eight minutes long. We’re dealing with a new form of storytelling.” Does it remind him of the continuous comics that used to be in US-newspapers a few decades ago?

“Yes, it’s connected to that – but it also reminds me of Charles Dickens, who published many of his novels as newspaper installments. In Most Dangerous Game the great story arch is not lost, the suspense is carried from one episode into the next. “That is a sleight of hand.” And for that he received an Emmy nomination, and it wouldn’t be surprising if he was to win the prestigious award one day. But he pulled off other sleight of hands in the past. Or how the New York Times says in a headline: “Christoph Waltz directing Opera, moves from Tarantino to Verdi.” Adding his old comment to this: “The full-blooded, juicy movie experience has a lot of operatic qualities. I’m not talking about the film music, but about the rhythm and color and phrasing.” After “Der Rosenkavalier” (Music: Richard Strauss, Libretto: Hugo von Hofmannsthal), which he staged at the Antwerp Opera, came Giuseppe Verdi’s “Falstaff”, his second opera there.

“I’m not a fan of the never-seen-before concept”, says Christoph Waltz. He agrees with Susan Sontag’s essay Against Interpretation – in opera, there is a fix story, and the music is the central transmitter of this story. Over-interpretations can quickly become “dangerous sliding tackles.” Waltz wants to avoid those. “I want to show what the composers and authors meant.” He stayed true to Sontag’s principle in all three of his opera productions, the third on being Beethoven’s only opera “Fidelio”.

He is self-critical enough, “to personally take the risk of failing.” What would be the alternative?

“I’m just an actor, now what do the music critics, who take themselves so seriously say? Some foam at the mouth and brawl ‘the movie-bod is interfering in the opera’.” He prefers the critics that are capable of formulating things between the lines. “When I read elsewhere, that the very thing I was trying to convey can be seen in detail, then I’m quietly happy about it.” Sadly, the live performances of Fidelio fell victim to the covid-crisis, but there was a TV-screening on ORF, which can certainly be called presentable with 11% of the market-share.  “During ‘Fidelio’ I first realized physically that music is a spatial experience.” Here fits another Waltz-quote: “Strip away anything that us unnecessary.” Ergo: Reduce the action to the interaction between the characters. That is an art he mastered to perfection in acting.”

For once, I could surprise the cleaned up, chatty, well-tempered Christoph Waltz with a little research.

In his birthyear, 1956, his fellow countryman Walter Felsenstein, founder and artistic director of the “Komische Oper” in Berlin filmed a version of “Fidelio”. To this day, it remains the only film adaptation of the opera. Probably because – so the actor quotes Felsenstein – “this opera technically is impossible to stage”, he says with aplomb, an attitude that suits him. In ballet an aplomb describes the ability to absorb a movement, the balance.

Christoph Waltz not only shoots a lot of movies, but he also enjoys reading one particular movie critic: Anthony Lane of the New Yorker. Surely one of the most sharpened critics, who outtalks someone or rubs the reader’s nose into his alleged ignorance. We start talking about Lane via a new movie by the fabulous Agnieszka Holland, “Mr. Jones” – referring to Gareth Jones, advisor to the former British Prime Minister Lloyd George. Jones uncovers that the devastating hunger crisis in the Ukraine in 1932/33 was exclusively due to Stalin’s exploiting politics. Anthony Lane writes in inimitable fashion: „Is it conceivable that Holland’s bleak, murky, and instructive film could prompt a change of heart in the current Russian establishment, or even a confession of crimes past? Not a chance.“ Greetings from Belarus.

And of course, we also talk about COVID, what does an actor do who can’t act during these times? Is he reading Robert Musil’s novel The Man Without Qualities, which has more than 1000 pages? “Oh, I’ve already attempted to read this three times. The first time, I got to page 200, the second time I got to page 400, the third time I put it away after 100 pages.” But he doesn’t fully abandon the idea of finishing it one day. “But that would really be a true accomplishment of discipline”, he underlines, allusively smiling. Less amusing is the current stagnancy in Hollywood, where Christoph Waltz lives with his wife and daughter for the most part. “It will be illuminating once things pick up again”, he ponders “will a reforming spirit take over, or will everything fall back into the old, ignorant patterns, or even cause worse?” The temporary dysfunctionality of Hollywood is comparable to a dysfunctional family, which mechanisms become especially clear during crisis. Now he visited his mother here in Vienna. I allow myself the question, “Is Vienna your home?” “Vienna is my home, home is something you can’t choose, like your parents. Everything else can become your center of living, all that is willingly moveable – but home, home cannot be changed at will.”

[slytherin-team]

On Petunia Evans Dursley, or how I imagine & re-imagine her character

So, I re-read HP and Snape’s memories of Lily and Petunia really stood out to me. 

Since re-reading the whole series, I’ve become a bit obsessed with Snape and Petunia.

I want to talk about Petunia’s character.

Now, I like starving-her- nephew- and -locking- him -in- a- cupboard Aunt Petunia as much as the next person (which is to say, not at all)

However, Petunia’s character has to be one of the things that bothers me most about HP or one of the things that I see as the biggest missed opportunity on JKR’s part.

Now, I don’t entirely blame JKR for making Petunia a one-dimensional villain. HP started out as a children’s book and the Dursleys are very much like Matilda’s family. They’re just there to be entirely awful and also to contrast muggle “ordinariness” with wizard “specialness.” Additionally, everyone is familiar with the fairytale evil stepmother and Petunia fills that cliched trope as well.

But as the series becomes darker and less for children and as we learn more about the complicated history between muggles and wizards, the presence of only one-dimensional (Dursleys, at least the parents) or barely present (the Grangers) muggles becomes rather irksome, considering how the war is all about prejudice towards muggles and muggle-borns.

These things didn’t bother me or even occur to me so much as a kid reading the series and that’s why I can’t entirely blame JKR on this one thing. She knew her target audience (kids) would identify with the witches and wizards, see the muggles as boring and dull like the adults around them, and not care so much about the broader picture. 

I don’t know if my new way of looking at the series comes from simply re-reading it, or more specifically, from being an adult re-reading it, but I find myself super interested in examining what it means to be a muggle who is aware of the magical world and this what draws me to Aunt Petunia.

If I could make any change to the series, I would make Petunia a more gray, nuanced and fleshed out character, much like Snape (who I actually think she is very similar to and I’ll get into that). She would still give preferential treatment to her own son, but she would not outright abuse Harry by starving him or locking him up. She would ensure he’s well-fed and healthy but she would not be affectionate with him, but rather cold and distant, so similar to how she already acts but minus the serious abuse. 

 I would pepper in moments where Petunia stares at Harry with empty eyes or glances at him while he’s not looking. I would have Harry notice these small moments from time to time and wonder why his Aunt takes care of him yet is so cold towards him. He would unravel this mystery of her behavior, just as he unraveled Snape’s and Petunia would get a redemption arc, like Snape. I haven’t thought of all the details but I like the idea of her getting more involved later in the series and being a useful muggle character. Eventually, she would open up about Lily as well and reveal her regrets. She would also have a heart to heart with Harry and wish him luck before going into hiding.

Vernon would still be a jerk but not outright abusive because Petunia wouldn’t allow for that. Dudley would still get away with his bullying, particularly when Petunia is out of sight, but maintain the growth he did show in the series, perhaps taking it a bit further.

As much as I prefer my version of Petunia, the actual Petunia we get, while not a good or redeemable person by any means, is still really great as a character and as a villain, she has a good origin story.

Hate adult Petunia all you want, but child Petunia, in my opinion, is nothing but sympathetic and probably one of the most relatable characters in the series, and I will go through this.

We all wish the HP world was real, but of course, if it was, we’d all want to be witches and wizards. We all want to go to Hogwarts. 

Severus tells Lily, “It’s real for us, not for her.”

He’s right and he’s wrong. It’s real for Petunia, she just can’t be a part of it.

Now, personally, I think being a squib would feel a lot more unfair than being a muggle with muggle parents whose sibling just happens to be a witch and even if Petunia’s parents did favor Lily for being a witch, they can’t be prejudice towards Petunia for her lack of magic when they lack magic themselves. 

But squibs might actually be looked down upon by their magical parents and they seem to have no choice but to enter the muggle world even though they grew up in the magical world, and if they do stay in the magical world, they’re seen as lesser and I can’t imagine there’s much for them to do. Maybe they could work in Muggle relations but that’s not given much prestige (even though it should be an important thing) Petunia feels barred from the magical world but at least she doesn’t have to leave her own world. 

Still, Petunia is just a kid and she doesn’t know about all the intricacies of the magical world or about squibs. She just sees that her sister has abilities that she doesn’t and access to a really exciting world that she doesn’t. So, her jealousy and feelings of inferiority are totally understandable. 

Of course, in her jealousy of Lily, lack of knowledge about the intricacies of the magical world, and overall myopic view because of her youth, I think there’s something that Petunia doesn’t realize.

Lily is also in a difficult position, perhaps in some ways more difficult than Petunia. At least Petunia has a clear line. She’s a muggle and can fit into the muggle world.

Lily is a witch, so despite being born into the muggle world, she’s different, but that doesn’t mean she can fully integrate into the magical world. In some ways, the prejudice against muggle-borns and the specific slur for them makes them seem more hated and distrusted by certain segments of the wizarding world than even muggles themselves. 

And Lily graduated Hogwarts at the time of Voldemort’s rise and we’re told that the first wizarding war was much more intense than the second. Marlene Mckinnon and her entire family were killed. Voldemort had a bunch of creatures on his side. Petunia could be blissfully ignorant of all this and cocoon herself in her safe “ordinary” world at least. Safety didn’t seem like a choice for Lily, although she certainly had agency and chose to fight for the Order. But it seems that muggleborns would be hunted regardless.

Perhaps if Petunia had realized this, she would have had more sympathy for her sister and also realize that she herself  is lucky in some regards. Maybe she could have cultivated her own talents and focused on them instead of putting all of her energy into being jealous and petty.

I also have this other idea I like, of Petunia developing healthy coping mechanisms to deal with her jealousy and then finally embracing the magical world - instead of turning away from it entirely to be as “ordinary” as possible- and then becoming the muggle version of Arthur Weasley- that is, a muggle who is a bit of a “magicphile” 

Getting back on track, Petunia’s ordinariness could be her strength, at least as a character, it makes her relatable. Young Petunia, like young Severus, is the underdog, and that sort of makes you want to cheer for her or at least see her get a slice of the cake at least once in her life.

While I’ve grown to like Lily as a character more because of my re-analysis of her situation - which makes her an underdog too- I used to really hate her, for the same reason Petunia hated her. Like really? This girl has powerful magic, is beautiful, gregarious, kind, brave, strong, loved and desired by everyone...yadda yadda yadda...gimme a break! 

And so many fans who love Lily don’t realize that they’re probably Petunias, not Lilies.

Even looking at the flowers themselves- petunias are actually really beautiful and come in such a wide variety (the night sky petunia is my favorite) - and yet they’re often overlooked because they’re so common.

James is an awful bully but at least that counteracts his perfectness in every other area (looks, school, sports, etc) What are Lily’s flaws? What does she struggle with other than being muggleborn? It seems that maybe both she and James were too naive and trusting (not to victim-blame her for her own death or anything) but what else? We’re not told and so she just seems perfect, not very interesting for a character.

A lot of the things Petunia says as a child that fans interpret as mean or revealing of her hatred of magic from a young age, are actually things she seems to regurgitate from the adults around her. 

For example, when Lily is flying from a swing, Petunia chides her by saying, “mom, told you not to do that!” Although we know Petunia’s parents favored Lily, I get the sense that their favoritism and even awareness of Lily’s magic didn’t come until after the Hogwarts letter, which is when a representative would have come to the family to explain things. Before then...I’m not sure but maybe her parents didn’t realize what was going on and just didn’t want her jumping out of swings? Anyway, I think Petunia is just trying to be the responsible older sister and is repeating her mother.

I’m pretty sure when Lily makes the flower grow, Petunia gets a bit freaked out and maybe also says something about how she shouldn’t be doing that but she’s also described as asking Lily how she does it, with “longing” in her voice. So she’s juggling trying to be the responsible older sister with being totally weirded out because how the heck is her sister making flowers grow in her hand, to being curious, and this is when her burgeoning envy (totally understandable) starts to emerge as well.

Then little Snape enters the picture to unintentionally erode the sisters’ relationship even further. It’s also here that Petunia makes another comment that fans point to as proof of her snobbery and cruelty from a young age, but actually, it’s just proof that she took what adults told her to heart, and since she was older than Lily, she probably heard more gossip and knew more about their town in general.

After Snape pops out to tell Lily she’s a witch and that he’s a wizard, Petunia is the first of the sisters to speak.

Here’s the direct quote from Petunia: “Wizard! I know who you are. You’re that Snape boy! They live down Spinner’s End by the river,” 

This little statement is endlessly fascinating to me, it raises so many questions.

Why does Petunia know who Snape is? Why does she recognize him? How does she know his name and what he looks like? We know adult Petunia is nosy and loves watching all the neighbors. Was child Petunia snooping around, if so then how close did Snape live to the sisters? How close is the sisters’ house to Spinner’s End and the river? 

If she was snooping around, then it’s kind of ironic that she was spying on Snape while he was spying on her and Lily ( he says he’s been watching Lily but Lily is always with Petunia outside so even if it’s not intentional, he’s watching Petunia too) Even if she was snooping around, why would Petunia wander to Spinner’s End? Does she share Harry’s deathly curiosity and adventurous streak? She says “they” so does she know what Snape’s parents look like? How much does she know about the family and his home life?

My first thought actually wasn’t that she was snooping around but rather, that she was regurgitating the nasty things that adults had said. But this raises another question, which adults? We’re told later that Snape and Lily sneak into Petunia’s room to read her letter to Dumbledore, which means that Snape was in the Evan’s family’s home, and we also know that the Evans parents are impressed by witches and wizards, so it would seem that they approved of Snape. 

So then, who would have told Petunia about the Snape family? Did she just hear rumors and gossip about them from older townsfolk? I always imagine Lily as either 9 or 10 and Petunia as either 11 or 12 in this scene, only a two year difference between them but at that age, it’s enough for Petunia to be more involved in what adults are saying and for Lily to be oblivious.

From here, Petunia asks Severus why he’s been spying, and again, she seems like the protective sister. I really like her in this scene. I don’t interpret her as snobby or classist. She’s too young. I see her as a kid influenced by the adults around her and as sort of a gryffindor/slytherin hybrid, bravely stepping between her sister and the strange boy calling her a witch, while also being judgemental of outsiders.I think she possesses a lot of the qualities of both Lily and Severus.

This scene is also when Sev spitefully calls Petunia a muggle, a word she had never heard before but immediately recognizes as inferior. 

“Haven’t been spying. Wouldn’t spy on you any. You’re a muggle.”

It’s shown later that all three of these kids love to spy and snoop around (not unlike the golden trio - except they’re not spying with each other but on each other) but Sev and Petunia definitely share a heightened nosiness, a certain degree of haughtiness, a superiority complex coupled with an inferiority complex, and a strong sense of self-preservation and pride that is very slytherin. Opposites may attract but I think it’s the couples with common ground that last, and enemies-friends-lovers will never go out of style, so the potential set-up for Snetunia is just too good to pass over and plays a big role in why I love shipping them together.

Okay, and after this, Petunia then spies on Lily and Sev. The “she’s jealous. You're special. She’s ordinary” line is in the movie not the book but I love it because it encapsulates Petunia’s insecurities perfectly and also shows how Sev puts Lily on a pedestal, and the magical world as a whole on a pedestal. It’s sad that he gets abused at Hogwarts after being abused at home but it also just goes to show that wizards, witches and muggles are all just people and not necessarily inferior or superior to one another.

Petunia overhears Sev telling Lily about the dementors and that’s when she loses her footing and gets caught spying. Sev then shouts, “Who’s spying now! What d’you want?” I find it interesting how Sev and Petunia mirror each other so much.

This is when Petunia insults Sev by saying “What are you wearing anyway? Your mother’s blouse?” She obviously has nothing to say in regards to the spying accusation because she was so obviously spying, so she tried to deflect it with an insult. She’s just as defensive as Sev. After she says, the infamous tree branch incident happens, in which Sev gets revenge by making a tree branch fall over her head. This is what prompted Petunia, years later, to refer to Sev as “that awful boy” when she reveals to Harry that she knows what the dementors are because she “overheard that awful boy talking about them.”

Okay, onto the Hogwarts letter, which raises many questions as well.

“You shouldn’t have read – ”  Petunia had whispered, “that was my private – how could you – ?”.

Lily gave herself away by half-glancing toward where Severus stood nearby. 

Petunia gasped. “That boy found it! You and that boy have been sneaking in my room!” 

“No – not sneaking – ” Now Lily was on the defensive. “Severus saw the envelope, and he couldn’t believe a Muggle could have contacted Hogwarts, that’s all! He says there must be wizards working undercover in the postal service who take care of – ”

Okay, so this is soooo interesting. 

Adult Petunia is presented as a woman with a long neck who always has her nose in other people’s business and she’s not much different as a child. But despite this trait being used to amplify her villain role, it seems the “good guys” and the “grey guys” love meddling in this way as well. 

I really feel for Petunia in this scene. I think that Hogwarts letter and Dumbledore’s reply rejecting her (even if it was kind) was one of the biggest moments of failure, disappointment and embarrassment in her life and remember, she’s probably about 2 years older than Lily so she would be 13 here and that’s just not a nice age either and I think that makes losing her sister and being rejected hurt even more. Privacy is such a big deal when you’re 13 too, that’s like peak private diary age, so to have your little sister and her gross friend sneaking into your room at that time, what an invasion that must feel like.

But….what the heck was going through Sev’s mind?!?

I doubt Lily suggested that she and Sev sneak into Petunia’s room. Why would Sev want to go into Petunia’s room? She’s just a muggle after all. He sees the letter, but how? After going into her room?

He couldn’t believe a muggle contacted Hogwarts? Was he secretly impressed by her? He thinks there must be wizards undercover in the muggle postal service...well we’re never told how Petunia sends the letter but it’s often said that there’s more to her than meets the eye. I like to think she was cunning, determined, smart and slytherin enough to find out how to send the letter on her own and that’s probably what made Dumbldore even reply. I think she’s someone who always had a lot of potential but was crippled by feelings of inferiority and self-doubt, much like Severus.

Petunia and Severus both obsess over Lily to the point that it destroys them. Petunia, in her jealousy, deep down worries that Lily is better than her and compensates for this by calling her a freak. Sev never takes Lily off the pedestal even as they begin to grow apart and just as Petunia sinks deeper into her “ultra ordinary” prejudiced persona, Sev sinks deeper into his half-blood prince persona. He hates muggles because of his father, while Petunia hates magic (or pretends to) because of her sister. Sev and Petunia are two sides of the same coin then. They both also never go on to reconcile with Lily and they go on to resent her son while also protecting him.

I said it at the beginning of all this rambling, but I’ll say it again - I wish Petunia had been as layered and grey as Sev, instead of just the bland evil stepmother figure.

So, just to be clear, the adult Petunia we get in the actual books is deplorable but I still love her character because I love how many more satisfying ways there are to re-imagine her and what she could have been. Snape’s memories - the only time we see Petunia’s past - are so rich and revealing and just have me endlessly fascinated about Petunia’s potential.

This was super long but I’ve been dying to word vomit about this character - and I’ll probably do some more word vomit meta about Snape & Petunia later on ~

Oh and regarding what it means to be a muggle in the magical world or adjacent to the magical world - don’t even get me started on the statute of secrecy! Maybe one of the reasons Petunia did turn out so awful was because she had to bear the burden of knowing about magic but not being part of it all by herself, like she couldn’t just tell her friends her sister is a witch and vent. So, maybe she had to bottle everything up.

She also mentions in the book, her sister bringing home frogs and turning them into tea cups - to an outsider maybe that looks like animal abuse or raises ethical questions.

Obliviating muggles certainly seems unethical to me and the ministry does it with great abandon.

I wish this was explored more in the series.

Petunia has a right to be skeptical it would seem, and naturally fearful as well.

[gingerfoxunicorn]

How CW Tried to Erase The Greatest Love Story Ever Told and Why That Matters

I have been struggling to put into words these past days why the Supernatural clusterfuck finale hit me like a ton of bricks.

The sense of mourning and loss was to be expected, when having to say good-bye to a series that has been running for 15 seasons and that I have been personally invested in for the past seven years, a series that became my comfort show as I was clawing my way out of depression and has remained a lifeline for me, along with the found family of fandom.

What I couldn’t have seen coming was the tangled mess of disbelief, heartache, anger, and betrayal that engulfed me, like black goo, as I was forcing myself to watch the last installment in the series. To say it was abysmally bad would be an understatement – at least 12 seasons of character growth were snuffed out in one fell swoop. We were served the cosmic joke of seeing Dean, a complex, multi-layered character we love dearly reduced to a cardboard figure and killed in the most absurd way, for shock value, minutes after having been pied in the face in an inane gag. On the surface, Sam may seem to have fared better, but he too is reduced to a shell, bound to a blurry wife, rushing through life in a frankly ludicrous montage to be reunited with his dead brother. This is the life, am I right?

Finally, Castiel, the character I relate to on a deep personal level, a character whose innate goodness and penchant for self-sacrifice shines through his every gesture, was all but erased from a story he was central to, relegated to an afterthought. Which would be an outrage in itself, but is the more so considering his last appearance on the show was the heartrendingly beautiful moment he confesses his love to Dean, speaking his truth just as he sacrifices himself for Dean, AGAIN. So this character who has been used and abused his whole life, but always strives to give more, who has just come out as queer, is sucked into The Empty, never to be seen on the show. He is only mentioned in passing in the finale, no one really mourns for him, and the confession is never mentioned again. We are basically gaslit into wondering if that ever happened.

Dean is killed neatly so he never gets to speak his own truth and acknowledge his feelings for Cas, in this world or the next. This is not just a “bury your gays”, this is a “salt and burn your gays”, lest they explore their gayness in the afterlife. I cannot speak as to how traumatic this must have been for queer fans, especially after that confession and when all the signs seemed to point to Destiel as endgame.

It definitely felt soul-crushing to me, as someone personally invested in these characters and in their relationship. The gravitational pull between Cas and Dean is inextricably bound with their growth as characters, they bring out the best in each other and they find comfort in each other. And it goes deeper than that – their faith in each other repeatedly brings them back from the edge. After the confession, Dean, who has known nothing but violence, who spent 40 years in hell, literally, dares to see himself through Cas’s eyes. For a fleeting luminous moment, it looks as if he may finally be free from self-doubt, free to make his own choices. But he never gets to do that, because TPTB decided that a bi character, whom many abuse survivors identified with, doesn’t deserve to be saved. Instead, he is kept bound for eternity in a co-dependent relationship with his brother. As for Cas, he may as well have been left in The Empty, which incidentally is a bleak nothingness filled with self-doubt, so a mental landscape which is familiar to people struggling with depression or other mental health problems.

Let me reiterate that: two characters that many of us identified with, who were revealed or coded as queer, battling the inner demons of depression and self-doubt as much as they fought monsters, whose slow burn journey towards each other held a promise of healing both for them and for us, are silenced and, in Cas’s case, all but erased because “no-homo”.

CW callously tore out the "profound bond" between Cas and Dean from the final episodes, not caring that for many of us it was the true, beating heart of the story, that we saw our own struggles reflected in theirs, leaving us feeling reeling and shell-shocked, while denying us any hope of finding closure.

This act of violence tore at the entire tapestry of the show. The strong women characters that were an integral part of Sam and Dean’s found family were erased from the story as well. The only woman figure in the final episode is a blurry figure, supposedly Sam’s wife, while Eileen, set up as his endgame partner  throughout the season, is erased from the story as well. The finale basically betrays the show’s guiding message that “Family don’t end with blood”.

More and more compelling evidence emerges that there may be original footage showing Dean reciprocate and possibly a full-on yes-homo reunion was shot (or definitely part of the original script). However, this was censored by the network before releasing the final episodes. It seems increasingly likely that the main reason for this outrage was corporate greed. In other words, the cast, the writers and the fans were fucked over because the greedy assbutts at CW were more interested in catering to a particular demographic than giving these characters the ending they deserved.

Can we acknowledge how fucked up it is that, after all this time, it’s still the straight white men that call the shots and have no qualms about silencing artists and queer characters, without caring they are basically telling queer people and other viewers invested in the characters’ struggle that we don’t matter?

We may feel soul-crushed and powerless right not, but there’s one thing we CAN do. We can speak up about what happened, we can speak up on behalf of the characters and artists CW basically gagged and silenced, and on behalf of all the vulnerable people, queer viewers in particular, hurt by this outrage. We can make some noise and call CW’s bullshit. What are they gonna do, silence all of us?

[marshmallowgoop]

Brand New Animal...

So, the last few episodes of BNA: Brand New Animal dropped on Netflix Japan last week. I was initially really hyped for this anime—I devoted several hours of my life to translating and summarizing the Winter 2020 Otomedia interview concerning it—so I intended to write a lot more about the series, especially upon a wider release.

But having now seen every episode, this is another Kiznaiver and Darling in the Franxx for me. There’s a lot of potential, and I was incredibly invested at the start, but the narrative quickly goes directions and makes decisions that don’t sit well with me at all.

For those interested in BNA, my (mostly?) spoiler-free opinion is that it’s visually beautiful (especially in regards to its colors), but the story feels scattered, and there’s so little time devoted to positive interactions among the leads that their friendships fall flat. Further, speaking as a very character-oriented person, I finished this anime annoyed at the entire main cast. Their growth comes across as dissatisfying and undeserved.

Of course, it is more than worth noting that my understanding of Brand New Animal is indeed limited at this point; I don’t have much of a grasp on Japanese, there are no official English translations yet, and I watched with Japanese subtitles. (At least until episode 12. While there are thankfully subtitles available now, there weren’t when I watched, which is a huge disappointment in terms of accessibility.)

I recognize that my feelings may very well change if I have a better sense of everything that’s being said. But given what I do know, I—at least at the moment—have no desire to rewatch this series. I’m always open to requests to talk about BNA, but I don’t think I’ll be blogging much about it otherwise.

All that said, I do want to share some spoiler thoughts under the cut. As my sister noted, I am “very upset about this furry anime.”

First things first: I cannot stand Nazuna. I’m sorry. I think it’d probably be too much to say that she soured the whole show for me, but she definitely comes close.

Now, I got a (minor) degree in Women, Gender, and Sexuality Studies, so, yes, I can’t help but wonder if my strong negative feelings are related to sexism. Would I feel so strongly if there were a man in Nazuna’s place? There’s been a lot of investigating myself these last few days, let me tell you.

Still, I can’t say I know the answers. But I do have some Thoughts that are maybe best illustrated with another anime I’ve started watching lately: My Hero Academia.

Do note that I’m only on Season 2, but there are also characters I strongly dislike so far in My Hero—characters who are arguably much worse than Nazuna, as far as their actions and behavior go. Bakugo is an angry, abusive bully, while Mineta sexually harasses women. I hate both of them, but—especially regarding Bakugo—it’s a different kind of hate than what I feel for Nazuna.

Why? Well, I won’t deny the possibility that sexism plays a role, but there’s also a profound difference in how these characters are treated by their stories. Bakugo initially gets away with his bad attitude, but upon coming to high school, he’s a pariah. He’s called out for being a jerk, time and time again. Mineta, similarly, is not adored for his actions. These aren’t nice dudes, and the narrative makes this point clear. Regarding Bakugo, I hate him, but it’s not exactly a bad kind of hate. Because I hate him, I’m rooting even harder for Deku to prove him wrong.

But what about Nazuna? She pretends to be another culture’s god, but much of BNA seems dedicated to treating her as a poor victim who was manipulated into manipulating others and needs to be rescued. While Nazuna’s situation is indeed a frightening one that I don’t at all intend to make light of, episode 6 makes abundantly clear that this girl adores masquerading as a goddess and fails to see any moral problem in tricking thousands of people into believing that she’s their savior.

And that, to me, is absolutely horrendous. Nazuna is not in kindergarten. She is not a small child still in the preoperational stage of development. She is an older teenager. I find it disconcerting to paint her as someone in a rough place who was simply desperate for love when she pointedly relishes her false godhood because it makes her feel like an idol. That is so unbelievably gross and disrespectful.

Of course, Nazuna truly doesn’t see what she’s doing as wrong, and I recognize that she is young. In the end, as I hope the Bakugo example highlights, my issues are really less about Nazuna herself and more about how she’s written and depicted. Just as there’s nothing inherently despicable about portraying a smug, selfish teenage boy in a cartoon, there’s nothing inherently despicable about portraying a smug, selfish teenage girl in another cartoon. But while Deku and Bakugo were also past friends just as Michiru and Nazuna, Deku never defends Bakugo’s awful behavior as Michiru does for Nazuna.

And that bothers me. Michiru—our protagonist and so the person viewers are pushed to empathize most with—never really seems to grasp just how disgusting Nazuna’s actions are. More importantly, neither does Nazuna herself. She’s instantly forgiven, and her dream comes true seemingly without any apology or understanding of wrong whatsoever.

Brand New Animal is filled to the brim with social commentary, but one message that stood out to me actually has nothing to do with the human/animal-human conflict. It’s instead that this cute girl never has to face the consequences of her actions because she’s cute.

I know, I know. This is some pretty over-the-top negativity. But I was so excited for this series. Especially considering the ending conflict around being “mixed” and “purebred,” I felt like BNA was an opportunity for writer Kazuki Nakashima to more thoroughly explore concepts he wanted to examine in Kill la Kill but didn’t because a talking outfit just ain’t gonna garner the same amount of sympathy as cute animal-humans. With my recent(ish) Wolf Children posting in mind, I also love that Brand New Animal ultimately pushes for diversity instead of away from it as I feel that film does, even if there are some... unfortunate implications along the way (that I don’t know if I’m personally capable of analyzing).

But 12 episodes simply couldn’t do this show justice. I’m supposed to care for a girl who calls being an animal-human a “disease” and never seems to really reconcile with how messed up that is? I’m supposed to care for a man who dismembers others in the name of “honor” and never seems to really reconcile with how messed up that is? I’m supposed to hope that two friends/lovers get back together when one is rude and dismissive towards the other for the majority of the show, and the other idolizes her and overlooks her truly terrible misdeeds?

Maybe I just don’t get it. Maybe I missed something (or a lot of things). But there is so much here that gets resolved too quickly or never receives the full exploration it deserves. As I said in the start, characters fall flat, their friendships fall flatter, and any good themes or messages that I do recognize in the series hardly impact me because the rushed development of the players soured my positive feelings for them.

I would have loved to see Michiru acknowledge that she’s in love with someone who does bad things. I would have loved a heart-to-heart where she admits this to Shirou, where he then admits that in his long life, there have been times when he’s been in the same boat. I would have loved to see Nazuna truly question her actions, where her declaration that she’s Nazuna instead of a cult leader actually means something because she’s recognized that she’s been wrong and is ready to be loved for herself, not someone she’s not. I would have loved to see a moment where Michiru expresses to Shirou that he shouldn’t control his violent tendencies for her approval but because it’s simply the right thing to do. The list goes on and on.

At the end of the day, I can admit my own garbage tastes. Bakugo is apparently the most popular My Hero character, and I don’t think I’ve seen anyone else express such a harsh opinion regarding Nazuna’s portrayal in BNA. Episode 5 of the show (with the baseball) seems to be its most adored entry, but I thought little of it. My favorite things in anime—and what I’m specifically looking forward to in Studio Trigger anime—are maybe anomalies.

But, gosh. I really wanted to love this.

[wexhappyxfew]

Happy Trivia Tuesday sunflower sister 🌻🌻 what are some moments in your writing that you’re super proud of?

aw jj! thank you! and happy trivia tuesday my sunflower sister!! and OMG this question IM LIVING FOR!! you’re really about to make me just GO OFF!! 

i am taking the opportunity to talk about hazel and joe JUST BECAUSE i worked really hard to make it a good relationship between the two simply because of how different they are but how well they truly work so ~ ENJOY! <3

Hazel Parker and Joe Liebgott

so one of the things i’m super proud of myself for in my writing is actually writing hazel and joe’s friendship/relationship - and i know it’s not just a certain and such, but it is something i worked SUPER HARD ON to really develop and really delve into and really work on so that even when we get into postwar people are still commenting things like ‘yes i’ve always loved these two’ or ‘their relationship is beautiful’ etc, things like that! AND LET ME TELL YOU IT HAS PAID OFF!! 

when i first developed the concept for writing The Soldier of Stars - none of my female characters had any relationship goal for the end - just because i say that and the love interest switches the entire time, so i told myself no goals - just write and see what happens - and well it sorta just happened.

for me hazel and joe’s relationship is strictly about the friends to lovers trope, but mainly the idea of, they have set foundations of trust, loyalty, love, inside jokes, humor, they understand one another, can talk about anything, comfort each other, be vulnerable - all the sorta things that a normal best friend would be like! and then it sorta just developed into an actual relationship - but i loved it so they stuck around!!

but every friendship or relationship i write has those factors in it - always. 

hazel and joe was very much just a pure connection they had with one another - they’re complete opposites, they live on different sides of america, and they don’t essentially really function the same. you have hazel parker, this pure, sweet, innocent, and soft-spoken sort of young woman and then you have joe liebgott, a sarcastic, slightly angry, loud mouth and opinionated sort of guy. but together? they both bring out different sides of one another that we normally don’t see. 

joe brings out hazel’s funny side, more relaxed side and we even see her dangerous side around him such as during d-day when she gets into battle at brecourt manor. hazel brings out joe’s soft side YALL KNOW WHAT I MEAN - he literally turns to a soft bean around her, and i’ve loved writing it sm!! to be able to develop joe liebgott’s character past the normal ‘angry, hot-headed’ sorta person and actually make him a human being - one with emotions, who is fiercely loyal to his friends, understands emotions, can be SOFT - that sorta thing. and it has been fun to write. 

they’re friendship and relationship has always just been about being open to one another, and not trying to shy away from issues that might surround them - they just know that if theres a problem they can go to each other, and that they always know they can go to one another. 

and sorry, bit of a self-promotion - not really but idk what to call it, but just some comments from readers that make me just super proud and relate to this topic just because i can’t find anymore words and these comments fill in for it LOL 

THESE ARE JUST A FEW OF MY FAVS!!

“ their friendship is one of the things i love most in this story.”

“ he knows her so well <3 “

“ this was so cute!! omg they are perfect for each other!”

“ they’re so in love.”

“ MY HEART I LOVE SOFT LIEB!”

“ you have no idea how much i love their friendship <3″

“ i love their friendship two completely different personalities yet share the same bond.” 

“ i love the friendship between lieb and hazel.”

“ best friends you say? me refuses to accept.”

“ the chemistry *side eye gif*” LOL

“ i swear, we’re all shipping them. they’re endgame.”

“ i am still waiting for lieb to realize he’s got it for her -let’s be real, he’s gonna realize before hazel.” 

“ the way you write joe and hazel is so amazing!!”

“ I love their love <3″

“ i can see hazel sloooooooowly realising she loves lieb.” 

“ i love soft Lieb. he is the best <3″ 

just some of my favorite comments throughout the series on joe and hazel bc honestly the two are soft and pure beans together and i love them - i could go on but these comments sum them up enough so i’ll stop LOL <3

the last thing i want to talk about is my use of...

EMOTIONS

in my stories, i’m really proud of how i have used emotion and how it has impacted the story - i’ve had readers saying before that the way i write using emotion has made them actually feel the emotions through the text or get emotional which is something i personally strive for as a writer! emotions have always played a big part in my life as a fairly emotional person so writing with emotion is something i’ve grown to be super proud of! and it just helps people really relate to the story i feel - whether it’s happy, sad, angry, upset - all of it - i just for me see it always as a way for someone to relate.

so really writing emotions i’ve seen such a growth in my stories for that specific reason, through simply writing emotions. i feel for me as a writer i’ve always wanted to make people feel the emotions i feel when writing, so really clicking into emotions and such is just something i’ve always done and it has translated to my writing :) it’s just a huge part of who i am!!

thank you sm for the questions jj!! sorry i sorta went off with hazel and joe - i love those two with all my heart and this question gave me the chance to really just go off on my love for them AHHHHHHH and the emotions i could go on but it is already long enough LOL thank you sm!!! <#

[letterstothemidnightsociety]

It’s 2020 and my anxiety level is so high, I grind my teeth while I’m asleep and awake!  But let’s ignore all that and instead focus on critically analyzing America’s premiere soap opera for monster hunting! It’s Supernatural! 

As you may have already guessed, I watch a lot of TV. And in the Year of Our Troubles, 2020, when I’m encouraged to stay home and indulge in my favorite pastime for the health of the nation, I watch a hell of a lot of TV. When you watch that much TV, you start to notice the rhythm and the flow of how seasons of television progress. You probably notice it too, even if you don’t think about it as much as I do. 

Like, you know that episode that happens right near the end of the season where all the characters are happy? They’ve overcome a whole bunch of obstacles and they’re finally winning and they can see that light at the end of the long tunnel? You know the one I’m talking about. That’s the moment that you, as an audience member, know things are about to go downhill very quickly

Like when Poldark smiles over something and you’re just like, ah yes, I’ll prepare for the funeral. 

Season 1 of Supernatural is like a case study of the rhythm that makes a network show work. There’s this wave effect throughout the season, building the tension up for a few episodes and then sliding through the next handful. Look at the first five episodes: they’re all about holding our breath, we’re gasping at every new turn - death and ghosts and monsters and Family Drama and Bloody Mary and PREMONITIONS AND THEN we let it out over the next three. 

Aaaaaaand exhale!

This first season especially, but I’d argue the first three definitely, you can see this pattern repeated over and over again - building the tension, ramping the horror, bringing it to a major Mythos or Series Arc Moment and then releasing all that tension with a cool-down filler/self-contained episode. 

And that’s where I am in the show now. We just had a major series arc episode with “Shadow” - John finally reunites with his sons, the villain is revealed (Meg and also the demon that killed their mom), and the endgame (for this season at least) is in sight. BUT! We’re a network show with 22 episodes to fill, and we can’t just head straight into the Finale Fight now, we’re only on episode 17! I mentioned in my last post that getting the team together again for all of 6 minutes and 44 seconds (yes, I did go back and count) felt like a slap in the face. I assumed it would have something to do with Jeffrey Dean Morgan’s shooting schedule, but looking at it again, it probably had more to do with the fact that it was too soon to bring John Winchester back as a major player.

So our next episode, our breather episode after all this High Drama, should feel a little disappointing to anyone caught up in the arc of the season. But. BUT. But. The next episode is “Hell House."

Yes, this is a filler, but this is filler done RIGHT. I mean maybe it’s just cuz it’s 2020 and I’m very tired and sad and scared all the time, but I was SO HAPPY to see Ed and Harry again, guys you don’t even know. Guys, the GHOSTFACERS ARE HERE!

And man, I am SO glad that this is a recurring side team that shows up throughout the series. Pease no one tell me that they die in a later season, I’ll find out eventually, I just can’t handle it now. 

They are the anti-Sam and Dean. They have no idea what they’re getting into, they have no idea how to hunt anything, but they’re here to get famous and that’s just...it’s beautiful guys. Just beautiful. 

Plus, you have this soft b-story line where Sam and Dean get to be Real Brothers for a hot second and prank the shit out of each other the whole episode. It’s like even Sam and Dean are saying, yeah, we need a break from all the feelings, let’s put itching powder in each other’s boxer briefs. I want to say that I was really annoyed the first time I watched this and did not care for these shenanigans, but this time around, it was a REAL JOY. 

I’m also not mad about this.

And this breather feeling sort of carries over into the next few episodes. Sort of.  

“Something Wicked” is another feelings-heavy episode. Backstory! Child-eating Monster! Tiny!Dean! I think Dean maybe cries again? Or just does that thing where he stares into the middle distance, all pain and torment and chiseled jaw line and I’m doing it again, I’msorrynotsorry. 

You know. THIS face.

All of these things lead to an episode that has a lot of character development and strengthens the bond between Sam and Dean. Sam literally validates Dean’s whole existence by apologizing for fighting him on this job and then saying “I know I’ve given you a lotta crap for following Dad’s orders, but I know why you do it.” It’s a lot. It’s a big moment from Sam, who hasn’t really reconciled with John yet and who’s still hoping for a future that isn’t all about killing every evil sonuvabitch they can find. It’s a big moment for Dean, too, since his main motivation is protecting his family and (from his limited point of view) that family keeps trying to leave him. And while we do get some insight into the f-ed up childhood that was forced upon our eponymous heroes, there’s nothing really driving the season’s plot forward in this episode. 

Same goes for “Provenance”. This episode is another good horror episode. I mean, even if that painting wasn’t possessed by a murder orphan, it is deeply haunted and I hope props burned it when the production wrapped. And what is it about ghost children particularly that’s upsetting? Is it the size? Is it the fact that their eyes are too big for their heads at that age? I mean, it probably has something to do with perverted innocence and goodness blah blah blah, but also their hands are tiny and so all the knives look bigger.

Same, Sam.

Aside from that, Sam gets another nice growth moment where he gets to imagine a world after Jessica. He’s been so fixated on finding Jessica’s killer - I’d argue more so than his mother’s killer albeit they are the same entity. That’s not a judgement against him, mind. He knew and loved Jessica, he did not know his mother, so I’m not mad about that character decision. But the show is really wrapping up the Jessica plot line because that won’t have legs in a season 2. And that’s harsh, so I’ll temper it with the fact that Sam, as a human being, is getting to the final stages of processing his grief and starting to move on with his life. Plus, I think that Dean wingmanning his brother is adorable and I love it. Good Brothering, Show! 

But nothing in this episode has anything to do with the killer Sam’s been fixating on, so there’s no progression for the season’s main arc. 

Last but certainly not least on this disc of my season 1 box set is “Dead Man’s Blood.” My notes on this episode include the key phrases “I’m pretty sure this episode is...dumb?”, “ I...do not care for vampires,” and then like, two lines later, “Nope. Still don’t care for these vampires.” They’re just making up some random-ass lore and their fashion sense is SO 2006 and I just...I just hate them. 

I hate them SO MUCH.

BUT! That’s not the point of this episode. The point of this episode is to point us towards the season finale. FIRST, we start to see a little bit more of the world that the Winchesters inhabit. We actually meet another hunter, Daniel Elkins. He dies immediately, but that’s a cold open for ya. And when Sam and Dean go to investigate Elkin’s death, John comes back, this time for good (haha, lol). We get a real taste of the family dynamics in this episode - John and Sam fight and come together and fight and come together and Dean’s standing there kinda like, SPONGEBOB! 

You know, Plankton! Krabs! Dean Winchester! Right? Anybody?

All sides have good arguments, and I appreciate that none of the conflict between the the three of them feels forced, or at least, it doesn’t feel forced this watch. The fights all come from deep character places that have been established through the whole season. They’re natural progressions of what we’ve come to expect of these characters. 

And finally, most importantly, John knows how to defeat the demon that killed their mother. Enter Deus Ex Colt Revolver. 

Colt Revolver Ex Machina?

CAN I just take a break for a second to say that BOTH Elkin AND John were ready to WASTE PRECIOUS COLT BULLETS on VAMPIRES, who can be killed IN OTHER WAYS?? Listen, you make a magic gun that only works with these  like, 5 BULLETS, and then you just THROW AWAY A BUNCH OF SHOTS, GUYS??? ALSO, what the HELL does Haley’s Comet and The Alamo have to do with this STUPID GUN??? I JUST- you know what, we don’t have time for all that. 

Attaining the Colt is the brick they drop on the gas pedal to drive us into the season finale of season 1. 

Wasting a some PRECIOUS F*CKIN’ BULLETS, GUYS.

When you look at the season’s pacing at the outset, it seems like it shouldn’t work. I was that person who felt disappointed in each episode where it became clear we were definitely on a side quest, not the main quest.  Watching it now, though, I think that pacing is important. Yeah, the Monster-of-the-Week episodes are a little hit and miss, but sometimes you have to think of a TV season like a marathon and not a sprint. There will be times when you pick up the pace, yes, but it’s a long race and you’re gonna need some periods of recovery if you’re gonna make it to the finish line. And frankly, a lot of those side quest episodes ended up being my favorite episodes of the entire series. 

NOW. I doubt you would see this sort of structuring in a show today, specifically in shows that don’t get a 22 - 24 episode order. You MAY get, MAY, a Ghostfacers-type episode thrown in after a major emotional climax for that breather effect. MAY. But if Supernatural was made today - probably for an online streaming site, probably with only 10 - 13 season order - I don’t think you’d see episodes like “Something Wicked” or “Provenance” or “Faith”. The nice thing about short seasons is that you can keep the storytelling focused and tight, but I also think that can be a weakness as much as it is a strength. What do those three episodes all have in common? They’re strong on character and relationship development. We, the audience, get a deeper understanding and appreciation of the Winchesters and how they work and grow as a unit in these episodes. So if we’ve watched this far, through bugs and ghost trucks, through all their little victories and major setbacks, we’re well and truly invested in how the season is going to end. 

I’m not saying you can’t have big character moments in a shorter season. And I’m not saying that a show more focused on plot, on the What Happens rather than the Who It Happens To, is a bad thing. But watching this season over again in comparison to present day television seasons, it’s highlighted what Supernatural did right. On this side of the series, it’s easy to see why the show went on for another 14 years.

[justkimberley]

HSMTMTS Thoughts Episode 6

Episode 1 Episode 2  Episode 3   Episode 4  Episode 5

Oof this is a long one, sorry, I just had a lot to say

I swear that principal looks so familiar

I looked it up I think I know him from McFarland USA

Ricky in that wig is hilarious, the way he keeps flipping it is great

Big Red was in photography club, “click!”

“I’m home,” *big grin*

Gina and Ricky both look so happy when they’re together

Nini looks very confused about that, but also I just kind of realized, it means Ricky’s getting along with Nini’s “enemy” of sorts

The whole on 3 or after 3 thing is so real, and also Ricky’s “Nah man, you need some new words,” hilarious

“I can’t look at Ricky is that a problem?” *innocent trying not to laugh face*

I’m glad that she can make that joke now without it being actual - she started the whole series being like “I just won’t look at him,” and now we have this!

“It’s more like I felt like I had to get it,”  → yes! Gina character growth

“So do you care about Ricky?” “So what if I do?”

Carlos has the weight of the world (show) on his shoulders

Big Red with Courtney and Gina looking at the photos, I’m really glad that he’s found himself a place in the theater too!

“Should I just live vicariously through someone else?” - amazing

“Everything’s fine, why would you guys even ask that?” - oh Carlos… he needs a hug or something.

Carlos is so sure about his “boy forest” idea, but everyone is very against it (and rightfully so)

“Do you know what a forest of trees looks like?” “I do,” “Ok, but with boys,”

Cue incredibly confused faces

I like how everyone is shouting out their ideas to try and make it better, I especially like how Ricky is taking this seriously and has an idea that he wants to share and he ACTUALLY shares it! He feels comfortable with these people!

“She’s not here and I don’t know if she’s ever coming back,” *cue slapped in the face faces*

Ricky’s world is falling apart, once again

“You know you could’ve told me,” “Miss Jenn asked me not to,”

Very cute little interaction between our bois right there

“Wow Carlos what else are you not telling us?” alright EJ, chill out bud. Just because you have a closet full of secrets doesn’t mean everybody does too

Gina and Ricky both trying to keep people there and make it work because this is their place to go after school, and also both of them staying the longest.

“Nothing fell apart, it’s all gonna be okay,” “She’s Miss Jenn, she’s unstoppable, the whole show’s unstoppable,” Ricky’s go-to way of dealing with things is denial, he can’t deal with another thing in his life falling apart. This poor boy needs some sense of certainty in his life.

“But what if it does stop?” “Let’s not go there? I can’t stop, we still have too much work to do,” Gina can see how much Ricky needs the show to go on, how much he needs this distraction to keep himself going. If he stops he’ll break down, and he doesn’t want to do that, and I think that she can tell. She also immediately asks him to hear his song idea afterwards and I think it might just be her way of trying to distract him and keep him busy so he doesn’t get stuck in his head/feelings.

Ricky looks so happy that she wants to hear his idea too!

Carlos trying to find out who told on Miss Jenn and going immediately to Mr. Mazarra

I think Mr. Mazarra actually didn’t want Miss Jenn to be fired after he saw the whole “stick to the status quo” bit. He saw what it meant to these kids

Mr. Mazarra’s also got a point, she really shouldn’t have lied on her resume

Ashlyn trying to stop EJ and then Courtney and Ashlyn immediately noping on out of there

Acoustic “When there was me and you” is fantastic

Gina is starting to see Ricky’s talent/commitment and is really enjoying it

“I don’t hate you EJ, I just don’t trust you,” oof that’s like one step removed from “I’m not mad, just disappointed,”

EJ’s rushed confession list is very funny

I don’t understand how GPA’s work? Like, what does it mean?

That was a pretty sweet moment at the end “The audience doesn’t know what they’re missing, but I do,”

“Oh, I also wrote you a really weird song once,” - yes, yes he did

Nini is really enjoying Ricky’s singing and then she’s like oh… Gina

Ricky’s little guitar riff, amazing - side note Joshua Bassett is so talented

“Acting, dancing, throwing drinks in peoples faces…” 

“I kind of can’t forget about anything that happened at homecoming”  *calculating faces* - they’re both like how do we feel about each other??

“Should we be doing something” - Gina’s like ??? is that his way of asking me out?

I like that Ricky’s the one who mentions saving Miss Jenn first

Finally seeing the real side of Miss Jenn is great, but it’s sad that she can’t see how much she’s affected these kids

Carlos thinking that she wants him to direct the show

“I just hope she loves you guys half as much as I love you,”

My favourite dancer has a name!! Kaden!

I like that Big Red texted three people and got the entire cast

The only people sitting normally, in chairs are Ricky, EJ, and Courtney

Also the set up with Gina right beside Ricky, you can tell that he’s the one she trusts the most.

Nini set up between Ricky and Courtney shows that they’re the two people she cares about the most

“This is a terrible party, there aren’t even pretzels,” Natalie you weren’t even invited also whose go to snack is pretzels? Nothing against pretzels I just… usually there are other snacks that are prefered

“She was the first teacher to not see me as a punchline,” I just -- Carlos should not have had to deal with that

“So why are we all here then,” “Yeah good question, this is a waste of time,” okay Edgelord Joykiller, can you be positive for once?

“Honestly? Because she gave me a shot, and it’s been a long time since someone gave me a shot,” I just, these kids are finally getting to live and be heard, it’s beautiful. Also that reassuring knee touch from Seb? Beautifully executed.

“She put our show in jeopardy, and now we’re all here, maybe for the last time, together, and for some of us, this has become, umm I don’t know… ” “Family.” “What team?” “Wildcats!” “Ok wildcats, so what are we doing about it?”

This speech is very Troy-esque and I’m very proud of Ricky for doing it and also Nini for jumping in when she knew what Ricky wanted to say.

Oh finally, Mike and Miss Jenn are figuring out that they know each other. I like that he doesn’t immediately write her off for being kind of a liar, it would be hypocritical

“Personally I always chalked it up to the well known fact that people in the dramatic arts are insane,” ok so the principal should definitely not be saying that, that’s incredibly disrespectful. He’s supposed to be a role model??? He’s in a position of power?? That is a really messed up thing to say.

Ricky looks so surprised when his dad stands up

Nini’s mom standing up for Ricky’s dad! Yes!

EJ is starting to realize just how much the musical actually means to Ricky

I’m glad Ricky’s dad stood up and focused it on how it’s helping Ricky, not some weird way of being like I want to date you

Mr. Mazara watching them, once again, I think he has seen just how important theater is to these kids.

FLASH MOB OF PROTEST

This song gives me Hairspray vibes (I don’t really know why)

I love all of the quick points on beat

Ashlyn and Ricky should always sing together - their voices were just *chef’s kiss*

Ricky and Red dancing together! (Also Larry Saperstein filling in and learning the dance because Dara Renee hurt her knee? He is so good!)

Seb! That voice!

This choreography is fantastic

Ricky and Gina singing together, also great!

Natalie getting a solo!

Mr. Mazara is so impressed (and I am too)

Ricky jumping on that table! And then just continuing to dance on it 

Jazz squares! - Sharpay and Ryan would approve - lol

MISS JENN sign in the background

Standing ovation - the parents all look so proud of their kids for standing up for what they believe in!

Kaycee Stroh! With her original dance! “I love to pop, and lock, and jam, and break,”

“How did you do this?” “We stayed up all night” - these kids care so much about Miss Jenn and the musical and I love them for their hearts

Nini and Seb friendship, we stan

Ricky and Gina’s hug is adorable and now I really want a hug where someone picks me up.

Nini is not sure how to feel about them being together

Ej looks at Ricky and Gina first and then at Nini, what are they trying to tell us?

Text from Gina is interesting, she is definitely interested in him

Mike and Miss Jenn - Ricky seems happy about it?

I don’t know if he’s just happy that his dad is getting along with Miss Jenn or if he wants his dad to be with Miss Jenn?

[ganymedesclock]

Very great analysis on how bleak the cycle can be. What’s your take on how the cycle works regarding other villains, like Vaati, or Majora?

So I know you asked about the cycle in-universe, led here I would guess from this post, but there’s a noteworthy followup I made in that vein here, and that’s important context to how I feel about a lot of the Zelda rogues’ gallery.

Because the thing is, if you go looking for qualities to hate, you’ll always find them.

Ghirahim invades Link’s space in a way that feels- to me- very gay panic. He talks in luscious detail about wanting to do violence onto Link’s person. He threatens to run through his subordinates.

Zant creeps on Midna at a major part. And, Zant’s very easy for me to relate to and want to defend, because the big other thing used to make Zant seem “scary and off-putting” is his literal autistic meltdowns. They may not be called that by name, but Zant thrashing, bending weirdly, the noises he makes and slamming his head on the floor when frustrated and overwhelmed, as an autistic person, I recognize intimately. I can’t even say it’s that much of a caricature of stimming and meltdowns.

Vaati kidnaps “beautiful maidens”. We’re given plenty of reasons to hate them.

My beef is, a lot of these issues feel petty- not in their in-universe damage done, but petty in a writing sense. 

Hearing that Ghirahim controls the bokoblins through threat of force is basically meaningless. We can’t really be all up in arms that Ghirahim is threatening to stab bokoblins because in that cutscene alone we tear them apart en masse ourselves. We can have the excuse that they’re our Enemies, but they’re Ghirahim’s subordinates, but really, how much of an excuse is that? Yes, there’s a difference between stabbing enemies and stabbing allies, but The Legend of Zelda is not a work that has any kind of moral high ground to point fingers about dehumanizing people. We’re not even dignified a response from the Bokoblins. You could omit Ghirahim’s threat entirely and nothing about that scene’s weight or context would change.

Zant getting uncomfortably up in Midna’s space is just supposed to be a cruelty that make us feel more justified when Zant dies in a comparatively graphic and painful-looking manner. They are not used as meaningful characterizing moments. It doesn’t illustrate that Zant wields cultural power over Midna, because in their dynamic, both make clear that Midna was the favored one- she was chosen to rule- while criticizing Zelda, she alludes to having a life of luxury herself (since she’s projecting her own issues onto Zelda in that scene) while Zant at least perceives himself as having lived a tortured life and Midna doesn’t contradict him or call him a liar, merely insists that he was power hungry and that’s why “everyone” felt justified turning away from him.

It doesn’t indicate Zant really wants Midna because it seems to just exist as an opportunity to set up Zant attacking her for siding with the light world. It doesn’t even really indicate Midna’s character growth because she doesn’t seem to seriously consider Zant’s words and she never suggests in the past she might’ve gone along with him.

The thing about The Cycle and it’s cruelty is that it’s something that exists halfway in and halfway out of the fourth wall. Hyrule can’t stay at peace. It can’t be stable and happy. It has to be imperiled because they want to keep making games.

The villains in the Zelda series are created to fill a role. They’re boss fights. In that sense, they’re trophy bucks to be hunted down for our entertainment. You could arguably say the same thing about any video game boss, but, I would argue, a well-written game gives you reasons to find opposing this character meaningful.

The Zelda series does not do this.

The Zelda series mostly gives you some cheap heat excuses and a lot of vague words about how someone is Evil or Diabolical. Next time you fire up a Zelda game, just, stop and pay attention to the cutscenes and look at just how much of a given character’s crimes are: 1. vague, 2. only ever stated by other characters who already hate that character, 3. make no sense as a strategic move unless you intuit or assume a lot of information the game never tells you.

It’s really easy to assume in the average game that Ganondorf- or Vaati, or Skull Kid, or Zant, or Ghirahim- is running wild killing people and burning the countryside. But if you actually look at it, there doesn’t seem to be a clear thesis to who’s hurt and who isn’t.

Why do the Zora get frozen? Why is Valoo’s tail attacked? Why does Zant attack Hyrule’s light spirits but doesn’t seem to spread the twilight to Snowpeak or the Gerudo Desert when they’re seemingly unprotected?

So the end result is you get split one of two ways. You either trust the Experience of the game- that tells you the entire countryside is suffering because of Vaati- and thus, you come up with explanations and cruel attitudes Vaati has that clearly explain all of his behavior- or you don’t, and then you sit there going “man Ezlo I know you’re salty over being turned into a hat and all, but isn’t it a little fucked up that you’re this willing to talk about your underage orphan apprentice like maybe it was an inevitability he’d go mad with power and there’s nothing to do but forge a sword and kill him?”

The game wants you to assume there’s no way to talk down or negotiate with any of these people. It tells you that there will be Dire Consequences if this person’s actions are not stopped.

But Vaati’s a child who wants power and doesn’t even seem to have a clear thesis of what he’s doing with it besides that he just vaguely wants to be ‘in charge’. 

But Ghirahim seems to have never thought of himself as anything but an instrument and his parting comments to Link suggest that he is only, just, starting to actually feel any real standout emotion towards him beyond annoyance, and that emotion is not rage or revulsion but curiosity. He only really acts out of loyalty to an entity that on-screen, hurts him and literally dehumanizes him- turns him into an immobile object. Something we’re told is a tragedy when it happens to Fi.

But Zant talks at great length about how miserable he was, and Midna insinuates “everyone” hated him and thought he was shifty and untrustworthy, and in his own memories, he was sobbing alone and immediately latched onto and literally worshiped Ganondorf, for... telling him he was important and offering to give him power.

Much is made of Skull Kid’s loneliness and ultimately they’re just a kid, go easy on them, they were tempted by Majora- but we have no idea what Majora itself is, besides that they’re a mask, and in the entirety of Majora’s Mask, many discussions are made about how masks are the product of spirits filled with regret, and one must work with them to bring them peace- and Majora itself speaks in a childish manner.

Chancellor Cole, you can argue, even looks more like a “real evil” in that he’s a scheming bureaucrat who uses his position as a respected adult to talk over and endanger Zelda and Link, and even he’s thrown away by Malladus when the latter needs a free body.

The most in-universe explanation, going by just what Nintendo’s official lore tells us, is that Demise’s hatred seeks a suitable vessel, and Ganondorf is just its ‘favorite’, and it’ll happily latch onto anybody else in a position to screw over the heroes. But that raises a lot of questions and leaves a lot of things unaddressed.

So it comes down to a question of, what do we decide here that we trust? How many of these guys would stay enemies if we had any capacity to talk to them and understand their problems? So many of these guys feel like they’re trapped or hurting or miserable or just had a completely unspecified “hunger for power” because that sounds threatening, but the people who desperately want to feel strong are usually people who, for some reason or another, feel denied, repressed, or looked down on.

Basically, the characterization is vague, and mostly, we’re assured they’re evil by other people in the game. To me, this comes across untrustworthy, especially when, in effect, a lot of these characters talk or act like they were (or are shown to be) wronged somehow, and when the game seems to act as if your only options are “let them do whatever they want” and “kill them where they stand” with a clear insinuation that the murder is the right and proper choice.

Which is kinda the whole problem. The average Zelda game spends however much time it dedicates to the main villain, trying to tell you to kill them. This is at odds with Link as someone who engages with and helps a lot of people. And often “however much time it dedicates to the main villain” is not that much time at all! You’re often just, like. having a fun little happy adventure with a scattered handful of interjections of “so everything is the fault of this one guy, and, uh, you should stab them.”

[ranwing]

KADAM FIC: LEARNING TO FLY (16/?)

Title: Learning to Fly Series: A New Direction (was Season Four Remix) Pairing(s), Characters(s): Kadam, Kurt Hummel, Adam Crawford, Burt Hummel, Rachel Berry, Santana Lopez, Carmen Tibideaux, Cassandra July, Artie Abrams, Tina Cohen-Chang, Elliot “Starchild” Gilbert, Dani, Adam’s Apples, Original Characters Rating: PG13 (rating may change) Genre(s): canon divergence. Parts: 16/?

Summary: As another school year starts at NYADA, Kurt seemed to have it all. The respect of his teachers, a group of wonderful friends and best of all, getting to live with the man that he’d come to love. So of course the universe would throw a few curve balls in his direction.

Chapter One, Chapter Two, Chapter Three, Chapter Four, Chapter Five, Chapter Six, Chapter Seven, Chapter Eight, Chapter Nine, Chapter Ten, Chapter Eleven, Chapter Twelve, Chapter Thirteen, Chapter Fourteen, Chapter Fifteen

On AO3

William Schuester rose to his feet and applauded loudly as the members of the cast stepped forward to accept the audience’s regards. He whistled and cheered as Rachel, her face beaming with happiness as she took her bow and gave a quick wave to the audience before stepping back to take her place with the other girls in the ensemble.

He hadn’t been totally sure of what to expect from that afternoon’s matinee performance, but he found himself thrilled and surprised at every turn. What he had seen would have been easily comparable to any professionally staged productions. Everything, from the quality of the acting and singing to the sets and costumes was top notch. The size of the audience filling the theater seemed more reasonable for the performance of famous, established actors than it did a student production.

But it didn’t feel like a school performance. These were all budding professionals, he realized. He probably should not have been that surprised, he considered as other students in the ensemble stepped forward in groups to take their bows. NYADA’s reputation for excellence, along with the very positive reviews that he’d read on the flight from Lima would be enough to ensure that the theater would be filled for the duration of the show’s run. He could only marvel that two of his students had the privilege of being part of a production like this, making it an even more remarkable experience for him.

And it shouldn’t be surprising that NYADA was staging their show in what had to be one of the most beautiful theatrical venues in the entire city, on a stage where some of the finest actors performed on a regular basis. It had to be exhilarating for his former students and he was certain that they truly grasped just what a rare opportunity they had been given at this stage in their careers.

Will had known since the instant he’d first heard Rachel’s voice that she was all but destined for greatness. He had recognized that she possessed a one in a million talent, and that Lima was too small to contain her abilities and ambitions. It was only a mater of time before he knew that she would have found her way to New York and taken her place on one of the great stages. Seeing her here, building her career was just an affirmation of what he’d always expected for her.

Watching Rachel not only playing an ensemble part but doing it with real enthusiasm and cheerfulness had come as a real surprise for him. Back in New Directions, Will could not even begin to count the number of tantrums that she threw any time she felt that one of the others was getting the spotlight that she claimed as her sole domain. Will knew that Rachel could be petty enough to even claim songs, insisting that only she should sing them and would find any excuse possible to ensure that she took center stage at all times.

Will had to admit that seeing her in the ensemble felt a little odd, but it was probably a very good thing for Rachel. He’d always been concerned about how her inability to work as a team player would affect her career aspirations, but apparently NYADA had figured out what he never could. Or rather, what he didn’t make a real effort to resolve with her. It probably didn’t reflect well on him as a teacher, but he’d always found it easier to just give into her demands. It had become second nature to just justify to the rest of the choir, and himself, that she really was talented enough to warrant such favoritism.

In retrospect, it was clear that giving in to Rachel’s unreasonable demands hadn’t benefited her in the long run and it certainly hasn’t been fair to his other students. Kurt had been chief among those who never got the notice that he’d deserved and that was due entirely to Will’s failures. Seeing the young man’s name mentioned in the New York Times and considered a stand out in a cast of excellent performers had come as something of a shock to Will. Especially with Rachel given no individual mention and it felt wrong in some ways. He knew that he wasn’t being fair because he knew that Kurt had talents that he’d barely had the opportunity to tap in New Directions, and he clearly had a chance to grow at NYADA in a way that he never could in Lima.

Will had always expected that Rachel would be the first of their group to find real professional success. When he’d read the reviews praising Kurt’s performance, it had taken him completely by surprise and he wondered how things could have changed since he last saw his former students. He’d heard about Kurt’s roles that past summer and it seemed that Kurt seemed to be racing ahead of his friend and finding stardom far faster than anyone might have expected.

Seeing Kurt performing had not just been surprising. It had been a total revelation to Will and made him really understand just how badly he’d shortchanged so many in his choir. If the changes he saw in Rachel hinted at remarkable personal growth since he last saw her, Kurt had undergone an even more stunning transformation. He seemed to have grown into himself, standing out as a handsome, confident man who was secure in his abilities and well deserving of his moment in the spotlight. Even Kurt’s brief program biography felt a little too much like a rebuke to Will; a carefully worded indictment that while he might have been overlooked in Ohio, in New York he was positively thriving.

Despite how badly he knew that he’d handled Rachel’s out of control ambitions and neglected to nurture Kurt’s in any meaningful way, Will was proud of how far the two of them had come. When it was Kurt’s turn to take his bows with the Friends of the ABC, he cheered as loudly as he had for Rachel. Will was on his feet to give him the ovation that he so richly deserved when Kurt stood alone at the center stage, finally having his very overdue and well-deserved moment in the spotlight.

Once the house lights came on, Will rose from his seat and took a moment to enjoy the reaction of the rest of the audience, seeing a lot of smiles and picking up on excited conversation about the show they’d all just seen. He would have liked to get their impressions about his students and maybe brag a little about Kurt and Rachel, but if he dawdled too long he’d get shut out of seeing the kids at the stage door.

Will smiled with pride when he saw the crowd gathering by the steel barricades, waiting for the performers. He knew that most were probably family of the actors, but there appeared to be more than a few seasoned theater fans in the mix who wanted to offer their personal respects. He was glad that Emma had decided to stay home since there was no way that their son would have been up to dealing with the crowd, but she was sorry to miss this.

It was gratifying to see that the talented students were being regarded so highly, Will thought as he waited for the stage door to open. It was obvious that they were on their way to being future stars of stages all around the world and he was filled with pride that he had some part, however small, in shaping the futures of two of them.

Will fought down a momentary flash of guilt at the reminder that he could claim very, very little credit in shaping Kurt’s future. He knew that he never gave Kurt the credit or focus that he deserved, constantly favoring Rachel, Finn and Blaine over him. As much as it pained him to admit it, he had enough self-awareness to recognize that Kurt’s success was despite him, not due to any influence he might have had. He didn’t even have the courtesy to acknowledge the younger man’s invitation.

At the very least, Will knew that he owed Kurt an apology for that. He would never be able to make up for sidelining him throughout high school, but he could at least let Kurt know that he was proud and happy to see him doing so well.

“Will Schuester… is that you?” a familiar voice asked.

He smiled and turned to see Hiram and LeRoy Berry approaching; Hiram clutching his Playbill like it was something infinitely precious and LeRoy carrying a large bouquet of roses that Will assumed was for Rachel. “Hi! Great to see you both,” he greeted happily, shaking their hands warmly. “Rachel mentioned that you were both seeing the show today.”

“We’re seeing the evening performance too,” Hiram pronounced proudly. “Not that it makes up for missing the opening night performance...”

LeRoy chuckled, patting his husband’s arm comfortingly. “Hiram is still steamed about that,” he confided, his glance to his husband lovingly tolerant.

“Well, it’s not fair that we had to wait when the Hummels were able to get tickets for opening night,” Hiram complained.

“Hiram, you know why,” LeRoy consoled placatingly. “Burt’s a congressman. Having him at opening night to see his son was going to get a lot of press for the school.”

“Well, it’s still not right,” Hiram huffed, refusing to be pacified by his husband’s common sense. “It’s bad enough that Rachel was stuck in a chorus part when anyone can see that she should have been the lead.”

Will frowned, hearing more than a little of Rachel’s previous peevishness in her father’s voice. It was quite clear where she got that unpleasant trait from, he considered.

“Don’t spoil this for her,” LeRoy reprimanded gently. “She’s worked very hard and doesn’t deserve to have you complaining. We both know that she should have been the star tonight, and that’s what matters.”

Okay, maybe she got it from both of them, Will thought. The poor girl wouldn’t have stood a chance with both her parents feeding her ambitions for stardom. As a new parent, he could understand wanting to support his child in all ways, but still…

Knowing that saying anything that might offend the Berrys, even if simply pointing out that their expectations of instant stardom for their daughter were not exactly reasonable, Will held his tongue. Any effort at rationalization, however valid, would only get the two men angry. Rachel had done a wonderful job in the chorus and seemed to have grown tremendously in the past few months. It was obvious that she was benefiting from NYADA’s influence and he couldn’t wait to tell her that.

Strange… he felt an odd prickling between his shoulders, like he was being watched by a malevolent presence. He looked about self-consciously, telling himself that he was being silly. Then he saw a tall figure standing about fifteen feet away from them, waiting with thinly veiled impatience for the stage door to open. His jaw dropped at the realization that he wasn’t the only member of the McKinley faculty to visit New York for this event.

As if on cue, Sue’s head swiveled in his direction, her sharp gaze fixing on him and he felt something inside him shrivel up and trying to die. His soul, maybe? Sue had an uncanny talent for making someone feel about three inches tall, even when they’ve done absolutely nothing wrong.

He tuned out the complaints of the other two men as questions began to ricochet in his brain, with the obvious answers quickly following in their wake. What the hell was she doing here? To see Kurt, of course, because the young man continued to be one of her chosen favorites. Would she say anything insulting to Will? Most certainly, because she was Sue Sylvester. His good mood began to unravel when he saw the familiar cruel smile etch its way across her face and she pushed her way through the crowd to approach them.

“Well, well… if it isn’t the old sexless marrieds and my favorite knife throwing target,” she mused with a sharp edge to her voice. “I was wondering when you’d crawl out of your gopher hole to see Raspberry Junior fading into the scenery.”

“Sue, that was entirely uncalled for,” Will snapped, hoping to head her off before the Berrys totally lost it and he ended up in the middle on an open war. “Rachel did an outstanding job.”

“Yes, she helped make a lovely backdrop for Porcelain,” Sue noted satisfactorily. “Amazing what he’s able to accomplish when he doesn’t have to constantly battle just for the right to survive.”

Will knew well enough to recognize one of Sue’s more subtle insults directed at him, but he couldn’t honestly argue that she was wrong. He had done nearly nothing to support Kurt during the three years that Kurt had been a member of New Directions, ignoring not just the young man’s obvious talent but even his basic well-being and safety far too often. He thoughtlessly filled the choir room with boys that had a history of abusing Kurt and even though Kurt eventually grew close to Finn and Puck, that didn’t change the fact that Will had basically given Kurt no choice but to tolerate his bullies if he wanted to be in the choir.

Adversity that would have crushed most had only made him stronger. Kurt was where he was entirely on his own merits.

“Kurt was spectacular tonight,” he admitted without reservation. “I know that I shouldn’t be surprised because I’ve seen him do some amazing things while he was at McKinley.”

Sue stared down at him but had to grant that he was being truthful, so she didn’t press.

“And I know that he’s going to be very happy to see you,” Will added, hoping to appease her. He could be honest in recognizing that Kurt would be a lot more excited to see Sue than him, especially with how he rudely didn’t respond to Kurt’s invite.

Her returned smile contained entirely too many teeth to be comfortable for him. “Oh Will… you simple wooly-headed muppet… Do you think that I haven’t already seen him?” she asked mockingly. “Or that he wasn’t worth seeing a second time.”

Will felt himself blinking in surprise, hating that Sue always seemed to find a way to get one over on him.

Hiram Berry was listening in on their conversation and couldn’t help from expressing his outrage that another person was considered more important and given the privilege of seeing the show first. “How did you get tickets?” he demanded before turning indignantly to his husband. “Do you see? They’re deliberately sidelining our little girl! I have a mind to call that dean and…”

“Oh, stick it in your purse, Purple Teletubby,” Sue snapped, cutting him off in mid-rant. “It’s about time your pampered little princess learned to take a back seat once in a while.”

“Sue..,” Will tried to insert at seeing the wide-eyed look of shock on Hiram’s face, hoping to head her off before she verbally decapitated the other man even if he thought that the Berrys probably had did have it coming to them.

Sue ignored him, stepping forward and jabbing her finger directly into Hiram Berry’s sternum, causing him to wince and back into his husband. “She should feel grateful to even be standing on that stage. Because the two of you encouraged her to be a self-entitled little brat her entire life, she nearly got herself booted out of this school altogether,” she snapped viciously. “Count yourselves lucky that she didn’t manage to get herself blacklisted from the industry entirely.”

“Sue, that’s enough,” Will insisted. He didn’t know if she was being totally accurate about any problems that Rachel might have had at NYADA since she always painted things in the worst possible light, but the last thing Will wanted was for the kids to come out and see everyone screaming at each other. They worked too hard to deserve that.

Thankfully the Berrys had the sense not to antagonize the fearsome woman and let themselves be distracted by the stage door finally opening and several members of the cast emerging to loud cheers from the waiting crowd. As expected, it was members of the ensemble coming out first, taking a brief moment to thank the fans. Will smiled as he saw excited family members calling out to the actors, with students rushing over for embraces and praise. They were soon surrounded by delighted chattering as parents and their children babbled happily before the families started to drift away to enjoy their brief reunions before the kids were due back for the evening performance.

“There she is!” LeRoy exclaimed, pointing at the door where Rachel was stepping out with several other girls. She looked tired but elated, chatting happily, chatting happily with the other girls in a way that Will could never recall her doing before. However friendly she might be with the other girls back in New Directions, they were rivals first and foremost. She was never happy unless the other girls in the group acquiesced to her demands. Her behavior with these girls seemed much more at ease and that of equals, the way he would expect genuine friends to be acting.

Rachel hugged her friends, letting them go to meet with their own families and looked about for her own parents in the teaming crowd. Hiram pushed his way past Sue and Will to rush to the front of the barricade.

“Baby! Over here!” he called out, waving his arm excitedly. “Rachel!”

Their daughter’s expression brightened even more at seeing him and she hurried over. “Daddy!” she cried out, throwing herself into his arms.

LeRoy rushed over, handing the flowers to Will to hold and wrapping his arms about the two of them. “There’s our girl,” he laughed, squeezing them both.

She craned her head around so she could look at both her fathers. “So, what did you think?” she asked with a brilliant smile.

“You were amazing, baby,” Hiram assured her. “Absolutely amazing.”

“You would have made a wonderful Eponine,” LeRoy insisted, taking the roses back to give to his daughter. “It’s a shame that they didn’t see how perfect you’d be.”

Next to him, Will saw Sue roll her eyes in exasperation and for once he agreed with her. The Berrys really had zero sense of proportion.

Rachel just laughed, cradling the flowers in her arms and apparently not taking her father’s statement too seriously. “Oh, I will one day,” she promised with a grin. “But it was so interesting to see a production from that angle. I learned so much and let’s face it… I got a lot more stage time than either of the leads.”

“Well, you were spectacular,” Hiram praised, reluctantly releasing his daughter. “A total stand-out.”

LeRoy nodded in agreement, keeping a lovely arm about his husband. “And look who else is here,” he urged, motioning in Will’s direction.

“Mr. Schue! You made it!” Rachel exclaimed happily, bouncing over to hug him with her free arm.

“Hi Rachel,” he greeted warmly. “That was such a fantastic show! You all were wonderful.”

“Thanks,” she accepted cheerfully. “I’m so glad that you got to see it. We’re really proud how it worked out.”

She turned to the tall woman standing behind will, her eyes widening in surprise. “Coach, we weren’t expecting to see you,” she said politely.

Sue looked down her nose at the petite girl but answered with clear forced politeness. “I wanted to see the show one more time before I fly out tonight,” she explained. “After all, I need to make sure that Porcelain isn’t slacking off.”

Rachel couldn’t help from chuckling. “Well, Kurt will be out in a few minutes,” she assured the prickly coach. “I know that he’s going to be thrilled to see you again.”

She turned to Will with a bright smile. “Wasn’t Kurt amazing?” she asked. “I’m totally biased, but I think he was the best in the show.”

Will nodded, not hesitating to give praise when it was due. “He really was,” he agreed. “I can’t believe how much the two of you have grown in the past year. I am so happy to see that you’re both doing well.”

“We thought that we’d steal you away for an early dinner before the evening show,” LeRoy proposed to his daughter, clearly leaving no room for Rachel to protest. “We made reservations.”

“You can bring your friends if you want,” Hiram added, as if their plans needed any further sweetening to entice their daughter to comply. He looked to Will and invited, “We’d love to have you join us. I’m sure you and Rachel would like to catch up.”

Will smiled appreciatively but shook his head. “I appreciate the invite, but I’m afraid that I need to head back to the airport in a little while to make my flight home,” he explained. “I have to be at work tomorrow, so I had just enough time to see the show.”

“You are staying long enough to see Kurt, aren’t you?” Rachel all but pleaded. “He’s going to be out soon and he’ll be so disappointed if he misses you.”

Behind him, Will could all but feel Sue bristling and knew that if he even considered for a second running out without seeing her favorite, she would break both his legs before he could make it across the street.

“I wouldn’t think of it,” he assured her with a warm smile. “I’m looking forward to seeing him.”

The crowd cheered loudly as several of the principle players began to emerge from the theater, taking a moment to give the fans their appreciation and signing a few autographs before finding their own families. Kurt stepped out with the second group of performers, dressed far more causally than Will could ever remember seeing him and looking tired and pleased.

He paused to chat with an older couple, accepting their accolades while signing their program and then let several of his friends in the cast introduce them to their families. Will felt himself smiling, seeing how at ease Kurt was. He knew many adults that wouldn’t be as composed as Kurt was having so much attention focused on them.

“Kurt!” Rachel called out, waving to get his attention. “Over here!”

Kurt heard her and glanced over his shoulder, smiling and giving a brief nod to let her know that he’d heard her before turning to some theater fans that wanted to offer their regards. Rachel knew well enough that Kurt respected his audience too much not to give them his full attention, which they clearly appreciated. Once he’d signed a few more autographs and touched base with a few friends, he headed over to Rachel.

“Hey,” he greeted, giving her a quick hug and kiss to her cheek. He saw the adults who had been standing at the barrier and moved to greet Rachel’s fathers politely. At seeing his former teacher, the young man’s smile faded for a brief microsecond.

“Hi, Mr. Schue,” Kurt said with an air of casual cheerfulness, though Will could detect a trace of reservation coming form the young man. He winced internally, knowing that Kurt’s lack of sincere enthusiasm at seeing him wasn’t unwarranted.

“I hope that you all enjoyed the show,” Kurt said politely, curious to get their reactions.

“Oh, it was marvelous,” Hiram insisted enthusiastically, his hands supportively on his daughter’s shoulders. “The only thing that would have made it better would be Rachel playing Eponine.”

“Dad!” Rachel admonished, her cheeks burning with embarrassment. She clearly recognized that her father was out of line but apparently had decided that trying to moderate her parent’s behavior was a lost cause.

LeRoy had the courtesy to remember praising the younger man’s performance as well. “You were phenomenal, Kurt,” he said sincerely. “I can’t remember ever seeing Enjolras played with such nuance.”

Rachel hugged her friend’s arm again to keep him close. “That’s why the critics loved him,” she claimed, causing Kurt to blush furiously.

Kurt looked to Sue, who was watching him with an amused smile. “Did you enjoy the show again?” he asked curiously.

She sniffed imperiously. “At least the caterwauling kept me from dozing off,” she complained blandly. “But I’m glad to see that you were performing at the level I expect from you.”

Kurt nodded in satisfaction, knowing how exceptional a compliment that was coming from her. “I think I was a little better today,” he claimed. “Now that I’m over the opening night jitters.”

Rachel kissed his cheek. “You were incredible, and you know it,” she teased. “You don’t need to be modest.”

Will looked to his former student, marveling at the changes that he’d undergone over the past year. “Kurt, I can’t begin to express just how brilliant you were,” he said carefully. “I’m very glad that NYADA is giving you everything that you need and deserve.”

Kurt’s eyes softened a bit, his reserve melting just a touch. “Thank you. I really appreciate that,” he answered, seeming to accept the compliment along with the unstated apology that it contained.

Will knew that he owed Kurt a lot more, but this wasn’t the time or place. But there was something that he did need to address. Summoning up his resolve to be a better man that he’d been, he looked to Kurt.

“I do want to apologize for not responding to your invite,” Will added. “That was very rude of me, and just because I responded to Rachel’s doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t have let you know that I was coming.”

Kurt just shrugged, trying to downplay any hurt feelings he might have had over the matter. “It’s all right,” he assured his teacher.

“Well, I want you to make sure that I know when you’re performing next,” Will insisted. “I can’t promise that I’ll always be able to come, but I’d like to have the opportunity to at least try.”

The younger man nodded in agreement. “I can do that,” he said, with a bit more cheer in his voice.

Will held out his program for the two of them to sign, which they did with a bit of giggling and blushing. “I can’t wait to show this off to the group,” Will insisted, tucking the Playbill into his jacket.

“We’re so glad that you came today,” Rachel said, leaning comfortably into Kurt.

“It was my pleasure, and my privilege,” Will claimed with a smile. “I’m really proud of both of you. And I wish that I could stay longer, but if I miss my plane I’m kind of screwed.”

Rachel leaned over to kiss him on the cheek and letting him hug her. “It was so good to see you,” she insisted. “We’re so glad that you were able to come.”

“I’m glad too,” Will claimed with a smile. He turned to Kurt, knowing better than to try to pull him into an embrace. He’d seen Kurt’s angry cat behavior often enough.

“Kurt, I know that we haven’t always seen eye to eye,” Will granted, knowing that Kurt deserved to hear a real apology for many things from him.

Behind him, Sue snorted indignantly but he ignored her reaction. He put his focus on the young man who deserved it far more often than he ever received it.

“I can’t begin to express just how proud I am of you,” Will told him with calm certainly. “You may not have gotten the chances that you should have in high school, but you’re more than making up for that here. And I’m really happy to see what you and Rachel are doing now.”

He held out his hand to Kurt, offering a handshake of peace. He felt a sense of relief when Kurt accepted it in his strong grip and shook Will’s hand.

“Thanks, Mr. Schue,” Kurt answered, his gaze finally softening. “That means a lot to the both of us.”

Will smiled back, gratified that Kurt had such a generous spirit underneath his prickly exterior, because the young man would have been well within his rights to not forgive what he’d endured. That he had made friends of so many who’d wronged him, and that those people who kurt had forgiven were so eager for his regard spoke volumes about the kind of man Kurt was becoming.

Reluctantly, their former teacher stepped back, knowing that his time with them had drawn to a close. “I can’t wait to see what the both of you do in the coming years,” he urged, looking at wonder to the students that he’d made so many mistakes with. Both seemed to have grown past the errors that he’d inadvertently made, and he couldn’t be more pleased for them.

“I hope that the rest of the run goes well for the both of you,” he wished, wiping at his eyes. “You two take care of each other.”

Rachel leaned into Kurt and the younger man placed his arm about her shoulders. “We will,” Kurt promised.

Turning to walk away from his old students was hard, but he felt his heart decidedly lighter. The kids were in as good a place as he could hope for them and he knew with the two of them there to support one another, he didn’t think that there was anything that they weren’t capable of. There would be numerous challenges awaiting them, but he didn’t think that there were two people better capable of facing them than Kurt and Rachel. As a team, they would be unbeatable.

As for himself, he would take the lesson that this visit to New York held for him and take it to heart. He had many talented students in his choir and he had a responsibility to give each of them what they needed to grow and evolve. He owed it to the ones that were currently under his tutelage and the ones that he had ignored in the past.

In the meantime.… he pulled out his cell phone to request a car to take him to the airport. He had a plane to catch.

* * *

Adam rolled over again, readjusting his pillows and trying to get into a comfortable position. It didn’t seem to help, and he leaned up so he could punch the pillow to get it to support his neck better.

Now his sheet and blanket were wrapped about his legs too tightly. And he was too warm.

He kicked the bedding away. The air conditioning made him too cold. Damn it…

Adam sat up, blinking with the realization that he was wide awake. No matter what he tried, he just couldn’t turn his stupid brain off. Looking at his phone, he saw that it was nearly two in the morning and he hadn’t gotten a wink of sleep. At this rate, he was going to be a total wreak that day.

Niall mumbled in his sleep and with a heavy sigh, Adam got up and reached for his running pants. If he was going to be awake all night, at least he could let his roommate get his rest.

* * *

Monday morning came as a bit of a relief to Kurt. After surviving the opening weekend and the first three performances, the chance to sleep in a little bit was very deeply appreciated. He had no classes for the duration of the show’s run, all their teachers were using their work in the show towards their grades. Given the unusual but deeply appreciated reprieve, Kurt would have a rare few hours to himself before he was due back at the theater.

It had been an amazing weekend and part of him was still having a little trouble grasping that this was all real. The insecure part of his soul still worried that he would wake up and find that it had all just been a dream, but the aches in his body and the admiring smiles he was receiving as he walked through the halls at the NYADA dorm were all too real. Maybe one day he would be able to look at his accomplishments with the knowledge that he was just getting his due, but he wasn’t quite at that point just yet.

Still, after all his hard work the past few days, he thought that he deserved a bit of a treat. Rather than going to the dorm break room for breakfast, he needed a bit of a splurge. And a decent cup of coffee. And some fresh air.

A long jog to stretch out his muscles was just what he needed, his headphones plugged in so that he could listen to something other than his show’s music for what seemed to be the first time in months as he wound his way through the city streets. Passing by a café that he’d often dined at with Adam, he decided to stop for a break and a dose of badly needed caffeine. Sitting in the café’s garden and taking his first sip of a perfectly brewed iced macchiato, he felt his body relax happily. This might be something he’d have to make a habit of, Kurt thought as he perused the menu. With the amount of work he’d been putting in, a few hours of quiet to savor before the rigors of the day would help him tremendously.

While he waited for his order of granola and Greek yogurt with fruit, he had the opportunity to catch up on a bit of social media. Kurt hadn’t really had a time to check in with his friends once the show opened and he figured that, by now, everyone would have found out how the show had gone and he was curious to see their reactions. There were quite a few notifications waiting for his attention and with a smile, he opened his Facebook app.

The first thing he saw on his timeline was a photo that someone, he assumed it was Finn, had taken from the audience of him standing at center stage dressed in Enjolras’s revolutionary costume and holding a prop rifle over his head. Kurt couldn’t help from smiling, knowing that Finn would want to publicize his brother’s success. There were a lot of comments tagging him.

FinnHudson: So… this happened. #Kurt Hummel Satan Lopez: Wanky… Puckzilla: That’s my boy!!!! Rachel Barbra Berry: I know! He was so amazing! Quinn Fabray: OMG! How did you two keep it a secret? Starchild: ?!? I’ll be in my bunk… Dani Kimmel: Okay, I am seriously impressed… SamIAm Evans: On one hand, Go Kurt! On the other, can we talk about how #Finn Hudson actually kept a secret? Mercedes Jones: Aw, Boo! You look so pretty! And we’re gonna talk about you hiding this from me. Artie Abrams: Dayam boy… Dave Karofsky: #Kurt Hummel Wow! Tina Cohen Chang:  *claps happily* Can’t wait to see this tomorrow night! Brittany Pierce: #Tina Cohen Chang So jealous!

Nothing from Blaine, Kurt noted, pleasantly surprised. Knowing his ex as well as he did, Blaine’s sole interest in their show would be to make sure that Kurt had accomplished nothing that would infringe on his ex’s sense of superiority. He had no doubt that Blaine would have checked out the reviews, but Kurt having a significant role that had garnered some critical notice would have made it difficult for Blaine to find some way of insulting him without immediately looking like an asshole.

A lot of his classmates and castmates were also posting compliments, and Adam’s cast mates offered their own congratulations. He grinned when he saw Isabelle and Chase adding their own comments, with Chase making his appreciation of Kurt’s tight pants very apparent. Several congratulations were posted by his old castmates from the Shakespeare festival, and Mr. Tillman had made a point to remind Kurt not to bail on them that summer.

There were comments tagging him from people that he didn’t recognize, and it took him a few minutes to realize that some of them had to be people from the audience. Several mentioned the Garrison festival and it was becoming clear that Kurt had a couple of followers.

He sat back in his seat, staring at the phone in his hands and wondered if this was supposed to be how he should feel. It was overwhelming to see that strangers, who had no personal investment in him outside of having sat in a theater while he was performing but still remembered him and thought enough to comment. He felt humbled and thrilled and a little overwhelmed.

Kurt had always dreamed of stardom. Maybe not as fervently as Rachel had, but he’d grown up with fantasies about being an award-winning actor, his face in magazines and on television. He wanted his name to be known to everyone, but this first small taste of fame was a little daunting. If his career progressed the way he wanted it to, this kind of notice was something he’d have to get used to. Kurt realized that he was very possibly reaching people that might be following his work for years. His successes and failures would now be in a public eye and if he didn’t learn to handle it, he would never survive.

He scrolled down the list of comments as he munched on his breakfast, marveling at just how many there were but he knew that he couldn’t allow this to be a distraction. He had a performance to focus on that evening, with an audience that deserved to see his best work. Worrying about anything outside of that would be counterintuitive at best. He’d had a front row seat watching Rachel’s ego get the better of her and the consequences that she endured. It was a fine line between enjoying the attention while not getting his head stuck up his own ass.

He was just finishing his meal and debating ordering a second coffee when his phone rang and Adam’s number flashed across his screen. With a smile, he answered the call, keeping his voice down so he wouldn’t disturb the other diners.

“Hi honey,” he greeted happily, but then remembered the time difference. “You’re up early.”

“I know,” Adam answered, yawning a bit. “I didn’t know what your schedule was today and wanted to catch you.”

Kurt smiled. “I’ve got a bit of time,” he assured the other man. “I don’t have to be at the theater until this afternoon so I’m treating myself to a few hours. It feels like this is the first time I’ve had in days to come up for air.”

“Good idea,” Adam complimented. “I know that the show’s opening was a lot to handle, but you’re doing everything so admirably. I’m so very proud of you.”

“Thanks,” Kurt said gratefully. He knew that he could always count on Adam’s support, but he felt a little bit guilty over Adam missing out on sleep just to check up on him.

“You sound tired,” Kurt said, not hiding his concern. “Everything okay?”

Adam didn’t answer for a minute but from the sounds coming from the other end of the call, Kurt could hear his lover yawning and mentally pictured him rubbing his eyes.

“I didn’t sleep well last night,” Adam admitted with obvious reluctance. “Actually, I didn’t sleep at all.”

Concerned, Kurt sat up straighter in his seat. Adam normally slept pretty soundly unless something was really bothering him, or if he was pulling an all-nighter. “What’s wrong?” he asked gently.

There was another long pause before Adam answered. “The usual stuff,” he acknowledged. “My rewrites are total shite right now. I’m a little homesick and tired of living out of hotels. And I miss you.”

“I miss you too,” Kurt answered, his mouth drawing into a tight smile.

“We’re barely halfway through the tour and I’m ready for it to be over,” Adam explained. “I mean, I love this show and the guys have been really good mates the past few weeks, but I miss your cooking.”

Kurt couldn’t help from laughing, but he felt his eyes starting to tear.

“Last night, I was just feeling sorry for myself,” Adam said with clear reluctance. “I didn’t want to keep Niall awake, so I just went down to the lobby and walked around. Now I’ve got a raging headache and I don’t know how I’m going to survive the day.”

Adam paused and Kurt ached to reach out and pull him into his arms.

“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” Adam said sadly. “I know that you have so much on your plate and I don’t want to burden you with this. I’m just being a wet mop about things.”

“Honey, you know that you can always call me,” Kurt insisted, hating that he couldn’t physically be there for Adam and support him. “I know how hard this is for you.”

“I just don’t want to ruin this time for you,” Adam stated insistently. “You’re doing so well and I don’t want to be a distraction when you’re finally getting what you deserve. And I should be grateful that I’m even working right now.”

“You are not doing that,” Kurt stated firmly, his tone leaving no room for argument. “I would be furious if you didn’t tell me that something was wrong. I love you and I worry about you.”

He heard Adam sigh and sob a little bit. “This is just so much harder than I thought it would be. I miss you so much and I feel like I’m missing so much of your life. I want to be there with you to celebrate what you’ve accomplished and I’m letting you down.”

“Oh, honey… you’re doing no such thing,” Kurt insisted, gentling his voice. He didn’t want Adam to be punishing himself because of his job. There would be plenty of other chances for him to see perform, but he shouldn’t feel badly because he was at the moment building his career.

“I know that you wish you could be here, but you’re doing such amazing things out there. I’m so proud of you. And we’re going to have plenty of time to celebrate when you get home,” he reminded the older man, hoping that the reminder that their separation would not be forever would console him a little bit.

He heard Adam sniffle. “Don’t mind me, love,” Adam said, the exhaustion apparent in his voice. “I always sound like a whiny toddler when I’m overtired.”

Kurt nodded understandingly. “It’s okay. I don’t mind your whining,” he assured the older man. “But I’m still going to worry about you. Do you have anything you absolutely have to do today?”

“No, thankfully there’s no matinee,” Adam sighed.

“Okay… what I want you to do is get something light to eat and then kick Niall out for a little while. Just tell him that you need some quiet. He won’t mind,” Kurt instructed with gentle firmness. “Take a hot shower and then get back into bed. You’ll be able to get a few hours of sleep before you need to be at the theater. That will give you enough rest that you can get through tonight’s show.”

“I will,” Adam assured him. “I’m sorry for calling you up in this state.”

“Oh, hush. You know I love you,” Kurt reminded him.

“And I love you, darling. More than I could ever say.”

Kurt smiled again. “Go get some rest. Call me after you’ve slept and just let me know that you’re okay.”

“I will.”

Kurt waited until Adam had disconnected his call before putting his phone down, giving himself a moment to consider what had just happened. He wasn’t going to lie to himself, but he was worried about Adam. He’d had enough sleepless nights to know how hard it was to get through the day afterwards, but Adam had his own show to worry about. Hopefully talking would ease Adam’s mind enough to get a few hours of solid sleep and give him the energy for the evening performance. Adam couldn’t afford to be phoning in a performance at this stage.

Just to help in what small way he could, Kurt sent a text message to Niall, explaining the situation since he knew that Adam would feel badly about exiling his roommate for the day and asked him to keep an eye on Adam for him. It was all he could do from New York. Naill texted back that he’d keep an eye on Adam and would let Kurt know if anything was amiss.

Kurt sipped his coffee, thinking that he should have anticipated this. It was bound to happen at some point that one of them would really start feeling the effects of their separation and in a way, it didn’t surprise him that it would be Adam. He’d had the luxury of being so busy lately that he didn’t have much time to dwell on things, but Adam had much more time to himself to think and didn’t have the support of his closest friends to help him.

He hated the feeling of helplessness, unable to hold Adam against him and offer the comfort that it was so obvious that the older man needed. They both knew that there were bound to be bumps in the road and all they could do was be there for one another as much as they could.

Kurt nodded to himself, steeling his resolve. They were going to get through this. He wouldn’t accept any other outcome.

* * *

Rachel sat at her dressing table, preparing for the afternoon matinee. It was a cramped space with six girls sharing a room that was probably just big enough for three, but they were managing. There was just enough room for them, their makeup tables and the rack that contained their costumes for the opening number. It was bearable because they really were only using it to prep before the show and relied on the quick-change area for all their costume changes during the show. Despite the cramped quarters, Rachel found that sharing it with her friends made the whole experience more than bearable. Even if they were literally on top of one another.

Still, compromises had to be made and that meant evacuating the numerous floral arrangements that all six of them had received from the room. Rachel’s fathers had seemed determined to single-handedly fill the room with flowers, having sent several ostentatious arrangements and leaving no room for anyone to actually use the dressing room for its intended purpose. The flowers they’d sent were currently decorating the loft, with Santana making mocking complaints about their home resembling a funeral parlor.

“Rachel, do you have a grey pencil?” Katya asked from the next table as she dug about in her makeup box. “Mine seems to have walked away.”

“Sure. Here you go,” Rachel said cheerfully, handing over a thick grey eyeliner pencil.

“Thanks. I’m going to run over to Sephora during our break to pick up a new one. Let me know if you need anything,” the other girl offered as she began to draw out lines to hollow out her cheekbones and under her eyes. A damp sponge blended the color into shadows that give her a starved appearance.

Rachel was carefully adding shadows to her collarbones when there was a knock at the dressing room door. “Ladies, are you decent?” a young woman’s voice called. “I have a delivery.”

Analisa rolled her eyes at the interruption before getting up and throwing on her robe since her table was closest to the door. One of the junior stage hands was standing there holding a glass vase with a dozen pink roses.

“Sorry for the interruption, ladies,” the girl said apologetically. “But these just came for Rachel.”

“Another one?” Analisa chuckled as she accepted the flowers for her friend and offered the girl a thanks. Nudging the door closed with her foot, she carried the flowers over to Rachel.

“Your dads are going a little overboard with the flowers,” she teased, handing over the vase. “Though I do have to say, these isn’t nearly as bougie as the last few.”

Rachel plucked the card from the simple arrangement and smiled as she read it. “It’s not from my parents,” she advised, feeling her cheeks start to warm. “Neil sent them.”

Katya grinned, leaning over to read the card over Rachel’s shoulder. “Oh, that’s so sweet,” she cooed. “We haven’t met him yet, have we?”

Rachel shook her head. “No. We’ve been so busy with rehearsals that I haven’t had much of a chance to bring him around. It’s still kind of new. I mean, we’ve barely gone out on a proper date yet.”

“Is he cute?” Analisa asked with a knowing smile.

Rachel blushed and nodded. “I think so,” she answered., mentally picturing his gentle eyes. “He’s coming to see the show this afternoon.”

Katya nodded in understanding. “Well, we’d better make sure that we give a hell of a performance today,” she proclaimed.

“Definitely,” Analisa agreed. “And once he sees you in ‘Lovely Ladies’, you’ll have him hook, line and sinker.”

Rachel couldn’t help from grinning as she found a spot for the flowers on her table, once again grateful to have some real friends sharing this with her. Without the other girls, this could have been an astonishingly lonely experience despite the crowded chorus.

It wasn’t often that she wanted to remember all of the mistakes she’d made since coming to New York, but she was grateful that she’d learned those hard-won lessons.

* * *

The afternoon matinee went well, the cast and crew working perfectly in sync and Kurt could not be happier. They might have only a few days before their closing night, but it was clear that their run would be a successful one. He had no idea if NYADA was benefiting financially the way Madam Tibideaux wanted, but it had been an absolutely invaluable experience for all the students involved.

Unquestionably, they were all better prepared for their future careers. They had dealt first hand with all the challenges of a large-scale production from start to finish. As difficult as the trial had been, it had given them a true sense of what awaited them in their professional careers. No other school experience could come close to what they had learned the last few months.

Kurt leaned back in his seat thoughtfully, tuning out the other goings on in the dressing room. It was strange that no matter how aware they might be of what being a working actor entailed, he didn’t think that anyone was truly prepared for what that career actually brought. He’d thought that he knew well enough to expect the long hours and hard work. He’d mentally accepted the need to travel for roles and the monotony of an endless parade of auditions that awaited him.

Coming to New York and NYADA had been an eye-opening experience. The school didn’t allow them the luxury of living in a fantasy world. There were no promises of stardom, let alone anything in the way of long-term security and it would take as much determination as talent to even have a chance. Whatever successes they might find would come from hard work and perseverance.

Seeing Adam struggle his first months out in the world warned that no matter what they might be told, no one was truly prepared until they were actually living the life. Seeing his lover trying to keep his chin up when no offers of work seemed apparent and then having to spend weeks on the road, separated from his friends and family made his heart ache for his lover. He knew that for Adam, finishing the run with no promise of work afterwards was beyond daunting.

Thankfully, they seemed to have survived one hurdle, Kurt thought. Niall had texted him while he was on stage to let him know that Adam was still sleeping and that he would make sure that Adam was up in time to shower and get something to eat before they needed to be at the theater. While Adam would probably not be one hundred percent well, he’d have gotten enough rest to let him give the kind of performance that he wouldn’t be ashamed of. Relieved, Kurt texted his thanks to the other Englishman and asked him to tell Adam to call before they left for the theater.

Facing the stage door crowd wasn’t something he really was in the mood for at the moment, but he knew that it was part of his job. The people who’d paid to see the show and waited to greet the cast deserved his attention for the few minutes it would take him to get through the line. And he had friends waiting to see him that he didn’t want to disappoint.

The spring afternoon looked painfully bright as he stepped out of the theater, and the cheers from the waiting crowd sounded dim in his ears. But he made sure to smile charmingly, paying attention to the fans and signing whatever they pressed into his hands. He listened to their compliments, graciously thanked them for their regard and signed his autograph before moving down the line.

By the time he was nearly at the end, he could hear the cheers of his friends who had been waiting and couldn’t help from smiling in genuine happiness. Rachel had already reached them and was cheering alongside Elliot, Dani and Neil, calling out his name and waving him over.

Kurt hurried over, feeling his tension fading as he reached his friends and found Elliot reaching over the barrier to pull him into a warm hug, lifting him off his feet.

“So I guess that you guys enjoyed it,” Kurt quipped at seeing the broad grins on their faces.

Elliot squeezed him tightly. “It was spectacular,” he assured his friend. “And you both were amazing.”

“It really was,” Dani agreed, nodding happily and reaching out to grasp his hand. “Easily as good as any professional show.”

Kurt smiled, pleased with their reactions. “How about you, Neil?” he asked as Elliot released him.

The tall young man appeared thoughtful for a moment. “Well, speaking as someone with no theater eye… it was pretty amazing,” he admitted. “I appreciated that the general storyline of the novel got followed pretty closely and the entire cast did a great job.”

“I told you that you’d enjoy it,” Rachel teased her suitor, pleased that he hadn’t be totally bored.

“And I did,” Neil confirmed with a smile. “But I’m not going to lie… I’m never going to get why everyone feels the need to break out into song right before they die. It’s very disconcerting, because you figure that if they saved their energy, they might pull through.”

“That’s not how it works,” Elliot teased, rolling his eyes.

The tall young man turned to his friends. “Whatever,” he dismissed. “Now if you two don’t mind, I did promise to take my lady here out for a bite to eat before she needs to get back at the theater.”

“Go ahead,” Elliot urged with a smile. “Abandon us. We’ll survive somehow.”

Rachel smiled and leaned over to give Kurt a quick peck on his cheek. “I’ll see you in a little bit.”

“Have fun,” he urged, glad that his friend seemed to be on the path to something good. He watched with a smile as Neil lead Rachel away, his large hand holding her small one gently as they strolled down the street.

Elliot drew his attention with a gentle nudge. “How about we go grab something to eat,” he suggested. “If you don’t have any plans, I mean.”

Glad to have a distraction and not spend the next few hours obsessing over how Adam was doing at the moment, he nodded in agreement. “That sounds like a great idea,” he said approvingly. “I could use a few friendly faces.”

“I need to get to work,” Dani said apologetically. “But let Elliot spoil you a little. It’s all he’s been talking about today.”

The tall man’s cheeks flushed at his friend’s teasing, but he didn’t deny her playful accusation. Taking pity on his friend, Kurt offered him a reassuring smile. “That sounds like a great idea,” he claimed with no little sense of relief. Having someone to spend an hour or two with was infinitely better than obsessing over how Adam was doing.

Twenty minutes later, they were seated in a restaurant a few blocks from the theater with Kurt biting into what he thought might be the world’s most delicious veggie burger when Elliot making an amused grin at Kurt’s moan of pleasure.

“Okay… spill,” the older man urged. “Something is bugging you.”

Kurt looked up, his eyes wide as he chewed and swallowed. “Am I that transparent?” he couldn’t help from asking with a small smile.

“Only to those who really know you,” Elliot assured him kindly. “So what’s going on? Because you should be at the top of the world right now.”

That gently inquiry caused the floodgates to open and Kurt found himself pouring out his worry over Adam. Elliot didn’t interrupt him, watching his friend carefully and giving Kurt his full attention.

“I just don’t know what I can do for him,” Kurt said morosely, digging his onion ring through a smear of chipotle mayonnaise before biting into it. “I feel so damn helpless.”

Elliot nodded in understanding. “Well, if it’s any consolation, you hid it really well,” he assured his friend. “I wouldn’t have been able to tell anything was wrong during the show.”

Kurt couldn’t help from smiling sheepishly. “I’m an absolute master at compartmentalization,” he boasted. “But that just lets me avoid what’s wrong. It usually ends up coming back to bite me in the ass.”

“I don’t think that you’re going to have to worry about that,” Elliot said confidently. “Adam adores you.”

“Yeah, well I thought that Blaine adored me and you know how that turned out,” Kurt said sourly. He took a deep breath to steady his nerves. “Look, I know that Adam is nothing like Blaine but I can’t help from worrying that he might just decide that this long distance thing is just too hard.”

Elliot turned a look at Kurt that implied that he was concerned for his friend’s sanity at that moment. “Now stop that,” he admonished. “If Adam’s having problems, the last thing he needs is you starting to feel sorry for yourself too.”

“I’m not doubting Adam,” Kurt insisted. “I’m worried about him and I can’t help from being afraid.”

Elliot’s gaze softened. “I know you can’t,” he granted gently. “But he needs you to be strong for the both of you now. This is just a momentary hiccup. You said that you talked to him and he’s getting some rest, right?”

Kurt nodded, taking another bite of his burger.

“All right… the you’re already getting things back on track. You’ll talk to him again today. And you’ll keep on talking to him,” Elliot advised. “He’ll get past this funk and the two of you will get through this.

“You have to be the strong one,” Elliot urged. “That’s what he needs right now. Be there for him. As much as you can from here and keep reminding him that you’ll be waiting for him to come back.”

Kurt sat silently as he chewed his lunch, absorbing the advice that his friend was giving him. All of it made sense. It just didn’t resolve the matter at hand. Adam was still alone, and they would be separated for the next few months.

Elliot sat back in his chair and took a sip of his iced tea. “Okay, Neil would be a lot better at this but I’m going to play armchair therapist here,” he proclaimed with a reassuring smile. Once he saw that Kurt would be receptive to his efforts, he laid out the situation as he saw things.

“I’m going to take a wild stab at why Adam might have felt particularly cut off right now,” he explained. “Mind you, this is not assigning blame because neither one of you is doing anything wrong. The past few weeks, you’ve been very tied up at the theater with tech and the opening night… it’s not a surprise that you’re not as accessible right now as you usually are for him.”

That observation, however accurate it was, hit Kurt dead center in the sore spot he had from Blaine. Blaine had insisted that if Kurt hadn’t been so wrapped up in his job and reapplying to NYADA, he wouldn’t have cheated. It wasn’t a fair accusation, but Kurt had spent weeks raking himself over the coals about not worrying about what bow tie Blaine should have worn for an event, or not caring about what songs his ex planned to sing on a given day. He’d berated himself for focusing on his adult concerns when Blaine claimed to need him, feeling guilty for thinking that Blaine was worried about childish things. It had taken him so long to push past feeling responsible for Blaine’s actions and to recognize that he had the right to focus on his own needs.

Elliot saw Kurt’s face pale at his observation and quickly jumped in to reassure him. “Kurt, that’s not saying that you’re doing anything wrong!” he insisted, wanting to put his friend at ease. “Adam knows that you need to focus on your show right now. Validating his feelings doesn’t mean that you’re responsible for them. They may not be totally rational, and you can’t be holding yourself accountable for not being there as much as he might need at this very moment.

“I’m sure that Adam knows that he’s not being too rational right now,” Elliot explained confidently. “And he wouldn’t want you to put your life on hold because he’s feeling sorry for himself. This is just a little hiccup that you two need to get past.”

Kurt considered his friend’s words and nodded in agreement. “That’s all well and good,” he granted. “But how do we move past this? The last time something like this happened, my relationship went right into the dumpster.”

Elliot considered his question thoughtfully before answering. “Being there for Adam doesn’t mean coddling him,” Elliot reminded, not wanting his friend to take on more than he reasonably could at the moment. “He’s going to have to pull up his big boy pants here. It can’t all be on you.”

“But what can I do?” Kurt asked. “I hate the idea of him floundering on his own.”

Elliot shook his head. “He’s not floundering,” he assured the younger man. “He’s going through a bit of a rough patch right now. You’ve already got him in hand, getting him through the immediate problem. He’s got friends in the cast for support. When he wakes up you’ll check up on him, make sure that he’s in a good state for his show tonight and leave him in his friend’s hands.”

Elliot reconsidered his advice and nodded approvingly. “That’s really all you can do right now,” he reminded. “You have your own show to focus on. Tonight you’ll give yourself a bit of time to talk. Let him vent if he needs it. Remind him that you love him.”

Kurt looked down at his plate, the meal appearing a lot less appetizing than it did a few minutes ago. He looked up at his friend, pursing his mouth sourly. “I hate this,” he complained.

Elliot grinned and nodded in understanding. “I’m sure that you do,” he granted. “And you’re allowed to feel bad about this situation too. Neil always said that feelings are just feelings. They don’t always make sense, but they can sure trip you up if you let them. You love him. He loves you. You’re going to get through this.

“Now eat your lunch,” Elliot commanded. “You’ve got your own show to get through tonight.”

Nodding because he knew that his friend was right, Kurt picked up his burger.

By the time Elliot had walked him back to the theater and left him at the stage door with a hug and an admonishment to make sure that he took care of himself, Kurt was feeling marginally better. Admittedly, having someone to talk to did help a bit, and he assured his friend that he would be fine. It wasn’t as if Kurt had much of a choice since he was due on stage in just a few hours.

Fortunately, none of his dressing roommates had returned yet and weren’t likely to for another hour or so, giving him a little bit of time to mentally regroup. He was sorting through his cosmetics kit, making sure that everything was in its place when nearly startled when his phone rang. Seeing Adam’s number, he immediately answered.

“Sweetie? How are you feeling?” he asked, not bothering to hide his worry.

He could almost feel Adam smiling at him from the other end of the call. “Hello to you too,” the older man chuckled teasingly. “A little logy at the moment, but Niall made me shower and we’re going to get something to eat in a little bit.”

“Think that you’re going to be all right for tonight?” Kurt couldn’t help from asking.

“I’ll be fine,” Adam assured him. “I might have to muscle through a bit, but I’ve managed on little sleep before.”

Kurt sighed in relief. “That’s good. I was worried about you.”

“I’m sorry, love,” Adam said sincerely. “I shouldn’t have dumped that on you when you’ve got your own performance to worry about.”

“I’d be more upset if you didn’t tell me that something was wrong,” Kurt admonished gently. “Honey, I know this is hard on you. But it’s only for a few more weeks. You’re going to come back to New York and I’m going to be waiting here from you.

“You have been doing so well,” Kurt insisted, smiling sadly. “Everyone sees how amazing you are, and our lives are going to be amazing when you come home.”

He heard Adam sniffle on the other end. “God, I love you so much,” the older man stated.

“And I love you,” Kurt answered back. “More than I can ever really say.”

Neither of them could think of anything else that needed to be said, but neither did they want to end this connection. Adam was the one who finally sighed.

“I’m going to let you go now, love,” he said with obvious reluctance. “I know that you’ve got to start getting ready.”

Kurt exhaled deeply. “Call me when you’re done tonight,” he urged gently.

“I will,” Adam promised.

“I love you,” Kurt reminded him.

Both men felt some sense of relief, as if they’d managed to surmount a huge obstacle in their path. Kurt was reluctant to hang up the phone, but he knew that Adam would need a little bit of time to get himself sorted out and his dressing roommates would be arriving at any time.

“You have a good show tonight,” he urged.

“I will, sweetheart,” Adam answered. “You do the same. I’ll call you later.”

Kurt didn’t have very much time to dwell on Adam or their conversation. He detected the sounds of a theater starting to come to life as actors and crew began to return and start the preparations for the evening performance.

Knowing that he needed to get his head clear for the show, Kurt shifted his concern for Adam to a back burner in his mind and began the task of setting out what he would need for the show. Looking in the mirror, he set his features in a calm, neutral expression and began the process of transforming into Enjolras. He could do nothing else at this point.

* * *

“You okay?” Niall asked as he held the stage door open for Adam.

The other man nodded, pulling off his sunglasses as they stepped inside. “I’ll survive. Thanks for letting me sleep in.”

“It wasn’t any problem, you silly git,” Niall grumbled good-naturedly, giving him a nudge with his shoulder. “You should have said that you were getting into a mood.”

Adam sighed, knowing that his friend was right. For the past few days he’d been sinking in on himself and the end result was the pathetic funk that Kurt had to drag him out of. He really was a pathetic idiot sometimes.

“I didn’t want to be a bother,” Adam claimed, knowing that it was a weak defense, but it was the only one he had.

“Bollocks,” Niall retorted with an indignant snort. “You were the one who picked me up when I was crying over being away from Cynth on our first anniversary. You took me out and got me pissed so I wouldn’t be sitting in the hotel room. I know that the others don’t understand because they weren’t leaving anyone at home but if you need a shoulder to cry on, I’m here for you. We’re mates, aren’t we?”

Adam nodded, realizing that somewhere along the line, he and Niall went past being friendly cast mates to actual friends. Maybe it was because they were the only two in the cast in serious relationships and had a mutual bond, but the closeness that evolved between the two men could not be denied.

“I know that you miss your boy,” Niall said understandingly as they headed towards their dressing room. “It sucks that we have to be away, but you know what? We’re both so fucking lucky.

“I mean, you’re right out of school and landing a role like this. I’ve been trying to get my break and dealing with Cynth’s folk who thought that I’d never amount to anything. And we’ve got people who love us who are willing to put up with us on this crazy ride. So for a few months we have to be on the road, but look at it this way… We’re doing what we’ve worked so hard to achieve.”

Adam bit his lower lip and nodded. He knew all this.

Niall smiled and wrapped a supportive arm about Adam’s shoulders. “So you and me… we’re in this together,” he reminded his friend. “Let’s get out there and give our audience a hell of a show, because that’s going to make all this worthwhile.”

Adam knew that his friend was right. And during the performance, he made clear to channel his sadness over missing Kurt into his character. He thought that it was probably his best performance thus far.

* * *

For all the hard work they put in in the months before the opening, the run of Les Miserables went quickly. The schedule was throwing everyone off, with the students having a rare few hours of leisure during the day while their work at the theater often lasted late into the night. Kurt found himself with little real time to socialize with the friends who had come from out of town to see them, envying Rachel being at the loft with them. The best that he could manage was a drink with Artie and Tina the night they came to see the show, and a cup of coffee with Quinn while they chatted about her role as Hannah Jelkes in Yale’s production of Night of the Iguana before he needed to get back to the dorms and get to bed.

With so many ups and downs and hours of work and performances, coming on the final performances almost took Kurt by surprise. It seemed to almost come out of nowhere that the weekend with their last performances arrived. Kurt didn’t know if he was supposed to feel relieved that it was nearly over or bereft that it was all coming to an end.

He looked over to his lunch companion with a tired smile. “Don’t mind me,” he urged. “My emotions have been playing ping pong with my brain all day.”

Mercedes laughed, taking a sip of her iced tea. “I don’t blame you,” she consoled. “This has been kind of a crazy week for you.”

“That’s an understatement,” Kurt agreed, taking a bite of his salad.

“But look at it this way,” Mercedes proposed. “You’ve been proving how well you can handle this, and it’s given you a real taste of what your career is going to be like. It hasn’t turned you off of showbiz, has it?”

Kurt couldn’t help from grinning. “Nope,” he said assuredly. “Definitely not. Though I am starting to wonder what that says about my sanity.”

His old friend just gave him a loving smile. “It says that you know what you want and are willing to put the work in to get it,” she explained. “It’s not easy to get a foot through the door in our fields and they certainly will put us through the wringer while we prove ourselves.”

There was probably no one better who really understood that than Mercedes, Kurt considered. Mercedes had traveled all the way to Los Angeles by herself, working as a session singer while fighting for studio time to lay down tracks for her own album. For all the initial interest in her from the label, it had been a constant struggle to stay on their radar.

“So, what is going on with the album?” Kurt asked, wanting the distraction from his own work. “Any word on when the label plans to release it?”

Mercedes huffed in exasperation. “Oh, don’t get me started! It feels like I laid down enough tracks for six albums,” she complained with an exasperated smile. “Working with the song writers and finding the right material, then all of the editing and mixing. It seems like it’s been a never-ending process.”

Kurt nodded in understanding. “So where do things stand now?”

“We’re picking out the songs for the album,” she explained. “I have my ideas and the label has theirs so that’s been a struggle. Now the PR people are giving their feedback on which song should be my first single and how to do the promotion because let’s face it… I’m not exactly you’re typical pop princess.”

Kurt knew that his friend had probably gotten some subtle hints about her weight being an issue, which was a shame since there was no one who had a voice like hers. It would be an absolute crime for her career to be held back because she didn’t look like Taylor Swift. Marketing someone who didn’t fit a narrow mold was always a challenge and he hoped that Mercedes’s label had enough faith in her talent to find a way to market her properly.

“Well, if you need an actor for your music video, I’ll be free in just a few days,” Kurt teased, hoping to lighten the mood.

That got Mercedes to laugh. “I hate dealing with the business side of things,” she admitted reluctantly. “I’m a singer. That’s all I’ve ever wanted to do and I’ve got to deal with all this bullshit to make that happen. I swear, I spent more time in people’s offices than I do in the recording studio.”

“Sometimes I think that learning how the business operates is one of the best things about being at NYADA,” Kurt surmised. “It may not be fun but knowing what to expect, I think, makes it a little bit easier to deal with.”

Mercedes pursed her lips thoughtfully. “Well, I wish that someone would have told me that getting signed was only the start of things instead of all that junk about just needing talent to make it. I mean… even after all this work, there’s no guarantee that they’ll even release the album at all. I know that Mr. Schue meant well, but he really didn’t prepare any of us for what’s out here, did he?”

That wasn’t something Kurt would disagree about. But then, it was pretty clear that until one was exposed to the reality of the industry, it was difficult for them to understand the intricacies of the recording or theater business.

She sighed and stirred her pasta idly with her fork before turning a thoughtful gaze to her oldest friend. “Why the hell are we putting ourselves through this?” she asked with a wry smile.

“Because we want more than to sing in our bedrooms for our own gratification,” he reminded her. “This is the price that we pay for our dreams. If it was easy, would it really be worth doing?”

“You have to love how we justify doing this to ourselves,” she sighed.

Kurt reached out to squeeze her beautifully manicured hand. “’Cedes, there is no one more capable of getting through this than you,” he insisted. “A few years from now, I know that I’m going to see you headlining your own tour and winning a shelf full of Grammys.”

That brought a laugh from his friend. “Hey, don’t forget that you promised to be my Grammy date,” she reminded playfully, swatting Kurt with her napkin.

The tension broken, they tucked back into their lunch. “What are you going to do once the show ends?” Mercedes asked. “I know that you’ve been working that adorable little ass off the past few months.”

“Get through the rest of the semester,” Kurt affirmed. “Wait for Adam to come home. Just keep moving forward with things.”

“Well, I can’t wait to see the show tomorrow,” Mercedes claimed with a brilliant smile. “Everyone’s been absolutely raving about it.”

Kurt couldn’t resist a small smile of pride. “Yeah, I think it turned out pretty good.

“So… tell me more about the album. How many songs did you record?”

* * *

One last curtain call, Rachel thought with a trace of genuine sadness. One more chance to absorb the acclaim from a live audience before their lives returned to what passed for normal. It would feel strange to go back to a schedule of classes and exams. It felt a little cruel, giving them all just a taste of what being on a real stage felt like before snatching it away from them.

She felt the change in the theater’s atmosphere as they prepared for their final show. The nerves and pre-performance jitters were a thing of the past. The easy chatter that she was accustomed to in the dressing room was traded for long silences and lingering glances as they tried to absorb as much as they could of this experience before it was lost to them forever.

After a week, their performances were nearly second nature. There were no missed cues and the ensemble swiftly made their costume changes and got to their marks, the action flowing seamlessly. The leads were all as good as ever, and the group numbers where the entire cast were on stage together were absolutely perfect. They couldn’t have asked for a better wrap to their show.

It was going to be a strange thing, to wake up the next day and not have this, Rachel thought as she dressed for the final number. For the first time in her career, Rachel truly felt like part of a greater whole and she was going to be sorry to lose that.

The curtain calls were numerous and full of tears as they performed a final encore of “Do You Hear The People Sing” and there were multiple sets of group bows. Each of the leads took several bows while the audience gave the cast a rousing standing ovation. The cast offered their own acclaim to the orchestra and their director. As if reluctant to leave the stage and wanting to drag out the moment, the entire cast stood together to take one last bow before the curtain came down for the final time.

Once shielded from the audience came the hugs and open crying; everyone in the cast and crew facing the crushing truth that it truly was over. Rachel felt herself be embraced by the other girls as they huddled together, stroking one another’s hair and sobbing compliments and commiserations to one another.

Rachel wiped at her eyes, knowing that she was smearing her makeup and didn’t care. She would never be able to pinpoint the moment where she stopped seeing Analisa and Katya as just rivals in her class to actual friends, but here she was. She knew that she could be proud that she had managed to keep her ambition under control and didn’t alienate the rest of the cast, but she was even more proud of what she’d accomplished in her role. This was something that she was going to look back on with a lot of pride.

Professor Carmody called the cast and crew together, looking about the group tiredly and with enormous pride.

“I’m not going to keep you all,” she promised with a smile. “I know that a lot of you have celebrations to get to, but I wanted you to know that I’m going to urge your instructors to give you all full credit for your work on this show. I wanted to offer my personal thanks for your commitment and all your hard work. This has been, in my opinion, the finest production NYADA has ever staged and most of that credit belongs to all of you.

“Now all of you will find a little gift from the board and the alumni, just to offer their appreciation for all that you’ve done for NYADA. Please accept our thanks, because this has been one of our most successful fundraising effort in the history of the school. You’ve proven yourselves to be tremendous credits to everything that NYADA stands for.”

She looked around the group, ready to dismiss them for the final time. “Go enjoy yourselves,” she urged. You’ve earned it.”

That brought out more tears and hugs before everyone began to drift off to take care of their post-show rituals. The actors had it easy, as they could clean up and go out to celebrate because their part was over. The tech crews, on the other hand, would be spending a lot of time over the next few days breaking everything down and getting equipment and costumes into storage.

The girls made their way to their dressing room to clean up and found decoratively adorned gift bags at every table. Analisa fingered the colorful ribbons holding the bags closed and turned a wry smile to her friends. “I guess Professor Carmody was serious about the board making nice,” she quipped.

“Well, I’m not going to be shy,” Katya insisted, pulling the ribbons free and opening her bag. Rachel laughed and opened her own, curious to see what they had gotten.

Inside the bag was a card adorned with a dancing Harlequin, with a brief note thanking them for their work and complimenting them on their talents. Rachel couldn’t help from smiling at seeing that the note printed on fine card stock was personalized, addressing her by name and noting the roles she’d played in the ensemble. She thought it was a rather nice touch.

“Well, they didn’t cheap out on us,” Analisa noted happily.

Katya nodded as she tried to pull out the multiple bobby pins holding her long hair up without making it into a complete tangle.

Reaching into the bag, Rachel pulled out a copy of the show’s Playbill for her collection, a neatly rolled copy of the poster and, best of all, a gift certificate for the TKTS booth so that she could enjoy whatever show she chose. Looking up at her friends with a smile, she fanned herself with the certificate.

“At least they gave us something that we’re actually going to use,” she expressed with pleasure. “And I know exactly what I’m going to do with this.”

“You’re going to drag your boyfriend to a show, aren’t you?” Katya teased knowingly.

“Rachel, don’t do it!” Analisa insisted. “Trust me… I’ve been there! It will only end in tears.”

“Nope,” Rachel proclaimed insistently. “I’m going to give him an appreciation for theater if I have to beat it into him.”

“Well, I don’t know about you two, but I need a drink,” Katya complained. “We’d better start cleaning up.”

Costumes were stripped off and hung up for the wardrobe crew to gather. Rachel couldn’t resist running her hand lovingly over the dress, knowing that by tomorrow it would be cleaned and packed away. She cleaned off her stage makeup and washed up, taking a few moments to start packing her supplies in her makeup kit. She’d have time to clean up her table and gather her things the next day, but she felt better about not leaving a mess.

Once she was cleaned up and dressed, she and the others stepped out of the theater for one last line of fans waiting at the stage door. They lingered to sign autographs, accepting the warm regards. Rachel mentally reminded herself that this was not the last time she would have such an experience. There would be many show openings and closings in her future, but this one would always be special to her. This was the production where she stopped worrying about seeing herself as a star and saw herself as an actor.

Mercedes was waiting for them and pulled Rachel into a hug. Hearing the compliments from someone who had been her biggest rival in high school was gratifying and Rachel was reminded yet again of just how foolish she’s been. But that was now in the past and she could look forward to a brilliant future that would not be a lonely one.

For now, she was content to wait for Kurt to emerge from the theater with the rest of the guys. They would be out all night, celebrating their accomplishment and talking over their shared experience. They would laugh over the mishaps, praise one another’s work and honoring what they had all accomplished.

The real world would intrude soon enough, with more work and challenges. This night, though, was for them.