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theregoesmylurkerstatus · 4 years ago

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Caleb has, verbally, shown so little bloodthirst regarding the people who wronged him. He doesn’t know how he feels. He doesn’t know what he wants. He wants them to change, he wants the pain to stop. He wants to rehabilitate all these murderers under Ikithon because he was one of them and he wants to believe he’s not alone in this, he wants them to get better.

He also takes three steps into the place where he was sealed away like some kind of animal, full of simple (if skilled) guards who are so much lower on the food chain than the assassins Caleb knows... and for the first time ever he starts crushing people to death. Gone is the soft talk and hesitant hope. He asserts that they knew what they were doing. That they were not innocents.

He spent eleven years there. He can’t remember it. He also can’t think of the people who did that to him as people, whether they were actually the ones that guarded him or not.

I think Caleb’s trauma and his ability to react with extreme prejudice when confronted with it often gets underestimated both by the audience and Caleb himself. There’s a really interesting dichotomy that seems to go on with him, in that we’re constantly taken somewhat aback by these breathtaking displays of violence of his, even though they keep happening.

I realised it when we first met Astrid, actually. I don't know about anyone else, but the revelation that Caleb’s reaction to watching his parents die wasn’t running in to help them, or screaming himself, or even dissociating, but was instead attacking his peers? It surprised the heck out of me.

I don’t think anyone thought that would have been his reaction. All the pieces of fiction or art or meta about that moment that I saw assumed he had a much more passive or help oriented reaction. Even the cast themselves animated that moment as Astrid and Eodwulf stoically walking away from a silent Caleb on his knees in their own animated title sequence.

The fact that we all accepted the image of Caleb, on his knees, silently watching his family burn, is interesting to me. Because I do get why.

When Caleb is forcefully reminded of that moment of extreme grief, he dissociates. He doesn’t react violently when lost in his trauma in that particular way. Add to that that Caleb brushes over the immediate aftermath of his parent’s deaths, which makes it seem like his foggy, clouded state in the Asylum was the instant result of his trauma, and the idea that Caleb reacted passively to his parent’s deaths is a very easy assumption to make.

At this point I believe it’s also indicative of how Caleb sees himself. Caleb hates (hated?) himself, yes, but he doesn’t actually seem to see himself as a violent person. When asked to impress a high level mage from an alien culture, he chose the versatile reskinned Bigby’s Hand, Cat’s Ire. When trying to be intimidating, he uses his words, or points to his friends as threats, or uses Frumpkin as a prop.

He doesn’t seem to give his ease with violence much thought or weight in his own view of himself. I think he assumed he was passive during his years at the Sanitarium, and so therefore assumed that his “breaking” was similar. And if that’s what Caleb thought of himself, why would we think any different?

People don’t tend to think of Caleb as a fighter, least of all Caleb himself. The common view of him is that he’s a hesitant support character. He’s not someone who fans or other characters alike would easily call “bloodthirsty,” especially with him confronting and discussing the man who ruined his life and refusing to commit to killing him.

Everything about how Caleb verbally approaches these traumas shows that he’s not vengeance driven. Revenge has never been part of his game plan, never been something he cared enough to pursue. And because of that palpable lack of bloodthirsty vengeance, because of his soft spoken, cautious demeanor, Caleb is not someone who would generally be picked as having extreme, unrelenting violence as his knee-jerk reaction.

Except that’s exactly what Caleb does when backed into a corner. That’s like his biggest move. Wall of Fire and Fireballing Avantika and her crew on a hair trigger? Bleeding, on the verge of unconsciousness, out of spells, and still managing to deal the killing blow on Lorenzo because he chose violence over any other action? Opening the final fight against Obann by smashing through the window and burning half the cultists to death, because they were that desperate to get Yasha back after two failed attempts?

He woke up after eleven years of being addled, confused and not himself, and immediately killed a guard and broke out of the Assembly’s own Saitarium in the heart of Rexxentrum. He unexpectedly got stabbed by a full-fledged Scourger, and his instant reaction was to beat her over the head with a rock.

And now, he’s infiltrated that same Sanitarium where he was kept only to flip from his desire to redeem those under the Assembly’s thumb to murdering half the people he came across in there with extreme prejudice.

His lack of interest in long-term vengeance is interestingly balanced by his frequent choices to pursue short-term retribution. It’s both his way of protecting his friends and himself, removing the threat and discouraging other threats, but it’s also, in my view, frequently an outlet for his heavily suppressed anger at the people who hurt him and his friends.

Caleb can be a good diplomat, but Caleb rarely chooses to be a diplomat. Caleb can be charming, but Caleb doesn’t like being charming. Caleb can be a good support caster, and Caleb is a support caster! But when he’s too compromised for strategy, when he stops thinking, he starts burning everything in his way. Because Caleb? He likes the way fire feels.

Caleb spent his formative years training to respond to conflict, physical or political, with lethality, and on a much more fundamental level, he is and always has been a man of action.

He took action to get out of the Sanitarium as soon as he was capable. He took action in the Bright Queen’s throne room, made a risky ploy instead of letting them be arrested. He wanted to take action retroactively against his parent’s deaths the second he regained coherency.

Despite what we all assumed, doing nothing in the face of his parent’s deaths was never an option for Caleb, and he wasn’t taught anything that was going to help his parents once the house was on fire and the screams started. So what else was he going to do, after two years of growing into the Scourger mould? When he loses his mind, his ability to think, two of his reasons to care?

Of course it was violence. Of course it was lashing out at the people he must have thought, on some level, as being in his way. Of course it was fire. What else would it be?

And though these circumstances here aren’t the same... there are enough similarities. He’s once again in those familiar halls (in that familiar mindset) where he was treated as a weapon, nothing more. He’s with the people he loves and he knows they’re in danger, again. In fact, they’re in danger from the same people he spent eleven years feeling threatened by, that he viewed as obstacles, whether consciously or not.

He doesn’t want his loved ones to be in danger. He doesn’t want to be surrounded by the guards who he associates with his own helplessness. He especially doesn’t want those two things to go together. And he has never been able to sit idly by when he can act. But what kind of actions can he take? What can he do to get these guards away, away from him, away from his friends, out of his way, right now?

The tried and true method. Not burning, not here, not now, let’s not set a building on fire with his loved ones in it again (though it happened anyway). But no matter. He’s learned a lot of tricks in the last few months.

And hey, don’t worry, Caleb’s not angry. He’s not still working through his own pain and rage at these people. He really does want to heal, not hurt.

It’s just that these ones deserved it.

#critical role #cr spoilers #c2e127 #c2e89 #ramblings #caleb #speculation #its interesting because he has such a good hold on his temper and he tries to think through most situations #which means he DOESNT get pushed to that breaking point a lot #and its usually only that breaking point that showcases how easily he wields violence #which is another factor in why he doesnt get regarded as a violent character #because he isnt! he really doesnt get violent often! its just something thats instinctive for him #his instinctive reactions though are not often seen bc he usually has a pretty good control over himself and situations around him #and i think its really really telling when he gets pushed into that mindset when theyre NOT at deaths door #hey caleb i dont think you're as ready for forgiveness and moving on as you think #theres a lot of buried rage in caleb and you can quote me on that #ive been saying it for months (years?) and ive only grown more confident in that assertion since then #sorry if this is an incoherent mess #does this make sense? i dont knoooow im sick of looking at it

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thesquidkid · 2 years ago

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Operating in the realm of realism

A Roswell, New Mexico meta on alien powers, part 1.

Have you ever wondered, as you were watching this amazing little alien show, what the science behind the alien powers was? Whether it was pure fiction, of if it followed rel-life physics? Well, I have, and this essay might be for you! Don't worry, if you know nothing about science and physics, I will do my best to be as clear as possible.

This is basically a follow up to my three part meta on the science in the show, where I kept saying that one day, I was going to dive into the aliens powers. Well, that day has come.

Just like for the previous meta, this is mostly going to be my thoughts, while I'm rather sleep deprived. So apologies in advance if it's messy.

Disclaimer, I am not a native English speaker nor have I ever lived in America. What may seem obvious to me, may not be as straightforward for everyone, and vice versa. If anything is not clear, feel free to reach out! I am also not an alien, and thus can only theorise about the powers definitely not something an actual alien would say.

This meta will be structured similarly to the previous one, as I will go through every episode and describe / explain the alien powers as their are shown in the show. There will be more detailed explanations every "new power", and obviously I will try not to repeat myself every time Max makes lights explode when he's angry.

This post is then about season 1 (which I binged in hopes to finish this before season 4 aired), and there might be a few slight spoilers (I tried but sometimes I forget what we aren't supposed to know yet).

1x01 Pilot

Max saves Liz using his powers. We see him press his hand over the wound, and channel the energy towards the wound, thus healing it. The science behind it? Using electricity to shift the molecules together, and close up the wound. (theory)

He feels sick afterwards: he is using his energy to heal Liz. (More on this in next ep)

Why is Max sick after using his powers but not Michael? Is it only because of Jones? or is there something else, to do with the amount of energy needed to heal ppl being a lot greater than what is needed to move things telepathically. To be compared with working out, and doing more than what is our physical limit. However, we must also note that we have only seen Max heal people, and not Michael and Isobel. So perhaps, the fact that Max is so sick afterwards is simply due to the fact that healing requires much more energy that telekinesis. (Manifesting a Michael healing Alex scene in season 4, purely for science).

Michael moves the keys with his brain. My theory here is that he can move the molecules in space, which on a greater level allows him to move objects. I’m guessing it’s the same for shutting off the cameras, pressing a switch to control it with his mind.

Michael explodes the car windows. From a physical standpoint, I would theorise that he compressed the molecules together, putting the glass under so much pressure that it collapses on itself, exploding.

Side note, but Grant Green talks about his alien wave detector going off the charts since the blackout. My guess here, is that he in fact does not have a machine that allows him to track down the actual aliens, but more like a machine to pick up electromagnetic waves.

Electromagnetic waves are waves that are created as a result of vibrations between a magnetic and an electric field. There is electricity all around us (in electrons), and the atoms (which contain electrons) are attracted / repulsed by each other via magnetic forces acting on the electrons. In other words, when the magnetic forces are being changed (i.e. with Michael exerting his powers to blow up car windows, or Max healing Liz), it creates vibrations between the electric field of the atom and the magnetic field of the air. Therefore, such waves would be picked up by Grant Green’s machine.

Pods. We know that the pods kept them safe during the crash, meaning that the membrane is strong enough to resist extreme conditions (shock of the crash, atmospheric pressure, fire from the crash? Cold in space?) I guess the closest comparison to the pods we could find in our daily life would be an egg, or the membrane sac inside the uterus of a pregnant person.

Obviously, a pregnant person does not become bulletproof overnight, but there is still quite a lot of padding between the outside world and the foetus.

The amniotic fluid for instance is a slightly yellow fluid that surrounds the foetus, absorbing pressure in a similar way to a water bed.

We also notice that the people in the pods float. This is similar to a foetus in a stomach. Hence, the liquid inside the pod (unspecified) is somewhat close to the amniotic fluid.

Sharing memories. Max puts his hand over the handprint on Liz’s chest, allowing him to share his memories of meeting Liz, and hanging out with her. My theory here is that by putting a handprint on her, it’s like a part of his DNA made its way to Liz, and since it’s alien DNA it would create a connection between the two of them. We already know that aliens can communicate telepathically, so I’m guessing that when an alien puts a handprint on a human it allows the human to share some of that telepathic communication, and feel what the other feels (as Max says).

Now, I don’t think telepathic communication is truly with words in English, especially since I find it rather suspicious that on another planet far far away, english is a spoken language. So, if telepathy is more with feelings, emotions, memories, then it would mean that during a handprint, a human would be able to get close to the alien experience. And since Michael, Isobel and Max have more practice, they can block each other, and distinguish their feelings from the other’s. But that can’t be said about Liz and her connection to Max.

1x02 So much for the afterglow

Michael uses his powers to lock the door of the Crashdown, and to stab a knife into chocolate (please ignore the line “I’m a chocoholic”, I hate it).

Max is clearly not fine, he’s angry. Consequences of his actions, namely healing Liz. Since the handprint is a connection between two beings, shouldn’t Liz also be impacted by the anger that is coming off of Max? Especially as we see in season 3, when Max gets hurt, the people who have a handprint feel it too. Unless it only works for physical pain and not emotional pain.

We then see more memory sharing between Max and Liz, namely memories of Rosa. Like Liz says, she doesn’t just see the memories, she feels them. Thus telling us once more that the handprint serves as a portal into someone else’s mind.

When confronting Wyatt Long, Max gets angry (again), and we hear the radio crackle. This just follows from the fact that Max controls electricity in the air, and loses control of his powers when angry (or horny). We see this again when Max tries to kill Wyatt and all the lights explode. As he tries to kill him, his hand glows red, meaning that he is doing the same thing we see him do in 1x06. My supposition here is that he is doing the opposite as healing: instead of forcing the molecules to move closer to each other, to repair damage fabric, he is moving them away from one other, causing a rip in someone’s body (small enough that we don’t see blood, but big enough to cause death).

Another theory (albeit similar) would be that he is making someone’s heart stop, shutting down all internal organs. This would still be done by moving the molecules away from each other, breaking neurotic connections, stopping all communications between the brain and the organs, eventually leading to death.

However, that second theory seems to me to be more on Michael’s powers (or at least, the powers that he has mastered the most, as aliens all seem to have the same powers, as seen later on in the show). We indeed see Michael making Max’s heart beat again in 2x05, so it wouldn’t be too far-fetched that he’s able to do the opposite.

In the end, Max doesn’t kill Wyatt Long, as he is interrupted by Michael, who uses his telekinesis to push Max away (similar to what happened at the police station).

– Not alien power, but Isobell knocking Wyatt out with a taser is really cool.

And finally, Max admits that there is something going wrong with him, since he healed Liz, that he has all this dark energy in him. See the very famous apocryphal quote by Lavoisier: “Nothing is lost, Nothing is created, every is transformed”. (Note that apocryphal means that this quote is attributed to Lavoisier, even though he never said those words in that way).

We then have that the energy from the wound (okay, this is all fictional, last I checked there wasn’t such a “dark energy in wounds” kind of thing in humans, but please bear with me in this totally realistic scenario) has to go somewhere. It cannot simply vanish into thin air, and so, Max absorbs it when the handprint heals Liz.

Alien glass. This isn’t quite related to alien powers, but it does enter the category of “real of realism (with a sarcastic voice)”, so I will talk about it now. The glass has symbols on it. I’m pretty sure that it’s alien alphabet (otherwise why would it be random symbols?). We can also see that the glass is somewhat organic here, as it changes as Michael touches it. (It is indeed confirmed that the alien tech is organic, and has the same compound as alien dna, see my meta on the science in the show for more details).

1x03 Tearin’ up my heart

Liz basically confirms what I said just earlier. She says that “Max’s ability to manipulate electromagnetic energy gives him the power to heal and also to harm”. So indeed, the healing is done by manipulating electromagnetic waves, which leads to moving molecules.

Max then adds that he’s not sick, but angry, in rage. To sum up: bad vibes.

The more Liz interrogates Max, the faster his heart beats (relatable), until the Holter monitor (machine to monitor heart rate) explodes. I can understand how annoying it must be to make electric devices every time you feel anything.

(I won’t describe every time Max makes lights explode because honestly it’s really all the same. The dude is angry. We get it.)

Isobel uses her powers to infiltrate Liz’s mind. This is the first time we properly see a landscape, except, instead of talking to Liz, Isobel sees Rosa too. Perhaps an old memory. This also emphasises the fact that Isobel cannot decide on people's action against their wishes: Liz doesn’t want to leave, and so she won’t.

Isobel is sick after using her powers, so the updated theory is once again that Michael is the only one not to get sick, because of Jones. Note also that the way Isobel feels after drinking acetone reminds me of (an extreme version of) a diabetic person drinking sugar during a hypo (this is a personal observation). So really, acetone doesn't heal aliens, only helps to make them feel better.

The blackout. The release of all of Max’s bad into the universe. Again, this is due to the electromagnetic pulse that he releases as he lets it all out.

An electromagnetic pulse (EMP) is a brief burst of electromagnetic energy. It can occur as three forms: electromagnetic field, electric field, or magnetic field. The electromagnetic interference can disrupt communications and damage electronic equipment. An EMP can be weaponized, and used in a war, to collapse an electrical network of a country for example.

Within an EMP, there are different characteristics, which will influence what is affected. There characteristics can be defined by:

The mode of energy transfer (via radiations, or electric / magnetic waves)

The range of wavelength / frequency present in the pusle

The form of the wave: shape, duration, amplitude.

We are not given so much detail about the pulse emitted by Max, so I don’t really have much to go off on. But. We know that a pulse of electric energy will always be accompanied by a pulse of magnetic energy, and vice versa. What matters the most in defining the field of the EMP is which one is dominant. Here, I would assume that both forces are fighting for dominance (sounds like some fanfiction here), and hence we obtain an electromagnetic field. This supposition is purely based on the fact that it is already established that aliens can manipulate electromagnetic energy.

Now, to dive deeper into this EMP, we need to explore its type. There are three main categories of EMP, namely natural, man-made for a civil use, and man-main for a military use. I won’t explain all the differences between each type, and will only go into the natural cases, as this seems to be closer to what we see here.

So, when we look at natural EMPs, we notice that most of them happen close to the sun (a result of the radiations emitted by the sun). I don’t think this could relate to the blackout in Roswell. The other possibility is what is called an electrostatic discharge.

An electrostatic discharge (ESD) is a sudden and momentary flow of electric current between two electrically charged objects (here I would assume it to be Max and the air?). The two objects don’t need to be in physical contact.

Note that even though ESD usually produce electric sparks, those sparks are not required to be visible or heard by humans, hence, the fact that we don’t really see or hear any sparks doesn’t quite discredit my theory.

One of the main causes of ESDs is static electricity (which is present when you rub a sweater against a plastic material for instance). Here, I would assume that the static electricity is coming out of Max, who has been under pressure from the “bad vibes”, who somehow produced an electric field around him.

(I am aware that this is very vague and based on my hypotheticals, but considering this is about alien powers, I am doing my best to make it make sense).

All in all, the blackout caused by Max relieving the dark energy is similar to a real-life natural scenario.

1x04 Where have all the cowboys gone

When Maw tells Michael and Isobel that Liz found out that an alien killed Rosa, Michael gets angry and lets his powers loose. However, we notice that the only thing that moves is Max’s car. He doesn’t touch Isobel and Max, he purposely avoids hurting the people he cares about. Even when he ‘loses’ control, he makes sure that no one gets affected by his powers. We see more of that (and the reason why Michael is the one to seemingly hold more control over his powers) later on.

We see that following the blackout, every transformer in town has a Lichtenberg figure. A Lichtenberg figure is a natural phenomena which exhibits fractal properties, and is known to occur on or within solids, liquids, and gases during electrical breakdown.

Fractal is a term used in mathematics (I promise I will try not to go on a maths rant) to describe geometric shapes containing a very detailed pattern at an arbitrary small scale. This means that regardless of how much we “zoom in” on the figure, we can see a pattern.

The burns on the transformers in town are fractal patterns, as we can distinguish a pattern at every scale we look at. This is usually the case for lightning strikes and other electrical breakdowns, which is basically what happened with Max letting go of the bad vibes.

Then, at the Wild Pony, Isobel practices her powers. We see her influence Hank to order some fancy drink, and donate money to an immigration organisation. Since we know that Isobel can’t make anyone do anything they don’t wish to do (as seen with Liz), that must mean that Hank deep down wanted to do so (or at least, didn’t not want to do it). Note that this is still quite a large invasion of privacy. So I would not recommend doing that.

Similarly, we see Isobel getting inside Maria’s mind, to find out why she doesn’t like her. She accesses a memory, where we see Maria and Rosa are talking and Rosa mentions that Isobel acts differently when she’s with her and when she’s with others.

We can then conclude that the mindscape allows somewhat full access to someone’s memories and emotions. As well as being a place where no one can lie, or at least no one except for the person in charge.

We also have that Isobel passes out after being in Maria’s mind, which could either be a result of the necklace, or of Isobel having tired all her energy on Hank. Especially since we see her stagger, like if she was drunk. (I would assume a combo of both).

Then, Max reboots the power in the hospital. My guess is that he is acting more or less like an eel (see my meta on science for a detailed description of eels and electricity). Basically, Max is concentrating the electricity from his body into his hands, which are in contact with the transformer, thus transferring electricity to power the hospital.

Again, using his powers is exhausting, so he passes out.

We see Isobel lying on her couch, and clearly feeling sick (following getting into Maria’s head). She is sweating, and her nose bleeds. This is a common trope in science fiction: a character who overuses their powers gets a nosebleed. Nothing new.

1x05 Don’t speak

Mind control. Wyatt Long shoots at Grant Green and Liz. We clearly see that this is Wyatt acting on his own accord, since really, why would Wyatt care about Grant talking to Liz. (We later found out he’s being mind controlled by the fourth alien, but I’ll get to that later on).

We know that victims of mind control need to have passed out in order to be mind controlled (as seen later on in the series). I’m guessing either Wyatt was simply asleep (since Isobel tells Max that Liz is near Long farm), or passed out drunk.

1x06 Smells like teen spirit

The scene with the drifter. (Aka the scene that started it all if you think about it). Also the scene where Max kills someone for the first time. He pressed his hand on the drifter’s chest and he “suddenly knew he could”. It’s pretty much the opposite as healing someone, taking the energy from their body.

Michael then buries the guy with his mind.

We see the pod squad at Sanders auto, where Michael throws cans in the air, while Max shoots. This is also the first time we see Isobel “act” differently. (Since she is feeling like she’s losing the people she cares about the most).

(I won’t really dive into the differences between who Isobel is, and who she is when she is mind controlled, cause that’s not really the point of the meta per say. More on mind control later).

Rosa’s death. We first see Michael and Max feel that something is wrong with Isobel, a telepathic calling for help (as you do), and rush towards her. When Michael arrives, Isobel has her hand over Rosa’s mouth (where we have previously seen the alien handprint). Considering Isobel’s hand isn’t glowing, this means that Michael arrived too late; Rosa was already dead.

This is the first indication we have that all aliens share the same powers, since until now, we only see them use a single power (but not, Isobel seemingly has a glowing hand too, and can kill in a similar way to Max).

Then Max tries to bring her back. His hand on her chest, and it is glowing red, but he can’t heal her (as he says, he’s not strong enough to bring her back).

Michael then moves the bodies in the air, and the car towards the tree (which we already knew had happened). This also shows the precision at which Michael controls his powers, turning on the car, shifting the gear stick, pressing the accelerator.

Then, Max puts his hand on the hood of the car, and sets fire to it. Again, similar to an eel. Concentrating electricity to his palm, which leads to the car being on fire. Physics.

1x07 I saw the sign

We are introduced to Mimi DeLuca. (Okay, spoiler alert for seasons 2 and 3) She is seeing the past, the present, and the future all at once. And she also technically knows about aliens. (More on Mimi in 3x08 and maybe a bit before).

1x08 Barely breathing

More mind control: Isobel getting Kyle to inject her with the serum. It’s not the same kind of mind control as with Isobel and Rosa’s death, since we see before that Kyle already thought about punishing Isobel for what happened.

Max feels something is wrong with Isobel, that the connection is lost. He feels “cold”. We know that aliens have telepathic connections, and my theory about why Isobel and Max have a deeper connection than with Michael is mostly due to the fact that they were separated as kids, that Michael went through so much abandonment that he closes himself off from Max and Isobel, and thus doesn’t feel the cold of Isobel injected herself with the serum.

We see that the serum indeed works as a blocker for the alien powers, when Isobel tries to get Kyle to take his shirt off, but fails.

Side note, but I have a lot to say about Michael’s speech to Liz about stripping Isobel of her powers. Because where Isobel wants to be normal, human. Max and Isobel have lived a life where they belonged, where they had a family, where they were accepted by humans. Michael didn’t. (However that is not the purpose of this meta)

The serum is degrading Isobel’s cells, and Max tries to heal her, but it’s not working. Because Isobel is not sick, the serum attacks her cells from the inside, they’re degrading by themselves. This isn’t like a virus attacking. This is like an autodestruction. That cannot be stopped.

Michael uses his telekinesis to move his trailer and open the door to his secret lair. And we finally get a first look at the alien science that Michael has been working on. We see pieces of alien tech scattered around, plans to rebuild a ship.

We also get confirmation that Isobel cannot control people, just influence them. Meaning that it’s not entirely mind control. Just a mind nudge.

If you want more about the alien science that Michael and Liz come up with, feel free to read my previous meta. I am not going to dive into it once again, I already lost too much of my sanity with sci-fi science.

1x09 Songs about Texas

Another display of Michael’s precision when it comes to his powers: he unwrapped the cord from the tent to open it. And more of Max getting emotional and making sparks fly (and frying Arizona’s glowing hand.

1x10 I don’t want to miss a thing

Isobel gets a memory of her and Rosa being friends. This is technically not alien powers, but a result of the cure that Liz and Michael invented. But still, more alien related than science. Liz even says that it’s a result of her cure, of the cells that went dark because of the blackout in her brain regenerating, and reforming the memories.

Then, Isobel uses her powers to move the anti stem cell research crowd. Showing that she indeed is back to her full alien self.

Maria (who isn’t wearing her necklace), finds out about Alex and Michael. (Spoiler if you haven’t watched season 2:) I’m guessing one of the reasons she asked about Michael Guerin was not only because they just hooked up and she somehow puts him at the same level as Wyatt Long, but maybe because she felt it from Alex. Because she wasn’t wearing her necklace.

The active shooter at the hospital, more mind control. A way for the fourth alien to stop Isobel from getting her memories back. (I’m assuming if you’re reading this you’ve finished at least the first season? Otherwise don’t read what’s next) Noah is really powerful, as we can see in this scene. He controls someone, makes them move around, shoot at people, destroy Liz’s lab, all while being conscient, walking around with Isobel, getting shot. (I wish I could multitask as well as him).

1x11 Champagne supernova

Isobel confirms that the fourth alien is a lot stronger than her when it comes to mind control. That she wasn’t even there when she was possessed. That he had full control over her body.

Max and Michael are trapped in Michael’s bunker, with the yellow powder which inhibits their powers. My guess is that the powder acts as a reaction inhibitor.

A reaction inhibitor, just like the name suggests, is a substance that decreases the rate of, or prevents, a chemical reaction.

We then have more mind control by Noah on both Isobel and Maria (which I won’t go into detail on as that would be repeating). We do see that when Liz injects Noah with the serum, he still is in control of his powers: Isobel is frozen in place, he uses his telekinesis to keep Liz where she is, and he even gets a glowing hand as he tries to kill Liz.

My theory is that the powder would then “fix” itself on the surrounding molecules in the air, which would counteract the effect of alien powers on electromagnetic connections between atoms. Hence, making Michael unable to use his powers, and Max unable to make things sparkle in the bunker.

But that doesn’t last long (because Liz is a genius).

1x12 Creep

Noah wakes in the pod. Which is technically not possible. My first theory is that it’s connected to the handprint he left on Liz. That there is still a tether connecting him to the real world, to the normal passage of time (since time freezes in the pods).

My second theory is that,as Noah mentions that his deficient pod made it impossible for him to get out, we can conclude that he came out the pod they put him in because he knew how to. Because he was already an adult when they left their planet, and therefore would know the ins and outs of pods.

In front of Caulfield, Michael explains the psychic connection between aliens, that he gets flashes of emotions from Max and Isobel, and that, namely at Caulfield, he hears the other aliens scream.

He also struggles to open a door with his powers. It isn’t explained here why he cannot, so my personal theory is that the door is made of yellow powder.

Isobel then brings Noah into her mindscape. The only place where she has total control (as Liz says). I absolutely hate the fact that he violated Isobel (and so many other people) in that way, so I won’t really go into detail into Noah’s mind control and abuse.

We then see that Isobel can bring people into her mindscape, like here, with Max. And Noah tells them that killing makes them stronger, that this is how he healed. Which Max felt after he killed the drifter. The research is backed up by experiments made in Caulfield, as said by Flint.

We then have that the most that Michael can do about the prison cell holding his mother is crack the glass. Once again, my main theory here is that the cells are made (or dosed) with yellow powder, to hold the aliens in.

Finally, the scene between Michael and his mother (yes I cried rewatching it). When their hands are both on the glass, Nora’s glowing, this is what I suppose to be something like a handprint connection (but not lasting, if that makes sense?) What I mean by that is that during that short moment of connecting with her, he knows that she is his mother, and feels her love, and her telling him to get out of here.

This once again shows that the aliens on the show are a telepathic species (at least when communicating with their own), that words are shared via feelings and emotions. That aliens of the same family (not necessarily by blood, as seen with Max, Isobel and Michael) can communicate without words needed.

Noah mentions the aliens having a purpose, which is never mentioned again, and will now be my villain origin story (I’m holding hope for season 4, but that may be useless).

1x13 Recovering the satellites

Max heals Michael from the stab wound he got from Noah. Somehow that didn’t leave a handprint. The logical conclusion to make here would be that aliens can’t give handprints to other aliens.

The pollen that Liz left with Noah in the freezer was not enough to stop him, further proving that Noah is more powerful than the Pod Squad. That, or the dosage was really much lower than what Noah gave Max and Michael in the bunker.

But the fact that Noah is stronger is clearly seen when he dodges the bullet that Max shoots, or when he ties his intestines together.

Even as Isobel is unconscious, she sends out a telepathic sos call to Michael, meaning that deep down, her subconscious is still there, calling out to her brother for help.

Noah then talks about the Alightnight. Which, by the way, if we don’t know more about that in season 4, I will riot.

He also mentions Max being the saviour. Makes sense, as he is the one that has mastered the healing power. But Noah also says that Max has only unlocked one power, further confirming that all aliens more or less share the same power.

And then, Max is playing God, part 1. Taking the electricity of the lightning in his hands, and directing towards Noah. Basically like an upgraded eel, since he isn’t directly touching him.

Before Noah dies, Isobel brings him into her mindscape, to finally tell him what she thinks of him. And then, Noah collapses on the ground, dead, struck by lightning. We see in the moments following Noah’s death, that Max is indeed stronger, or at least feels that way.

Max playing God part 2. Note: I hate this so much, the clear lack of consent as Michael literally begs Max not to do it. The fact that this was none of Max’s business to even begin with. The fact that it’s basically never mentioned again. Ugh. They better address it in season 4 (which airs in just a few hours as I’m writing this).

Once again, we get confirmation that aliens do not mark other aliens, as Michael doesn't have a handprint.

We then have a consensual handprint scene (the first and possibly the only one of the show as of pre-season 4) between Max and Liz. I’ve already talked quite extensively about handprint connections and what they entail, so I won't elaborate more.

And to end the season on a bang, Michael and Isobel discover Noah’s pod, with inside it, none other than Rosa.

We then see Isobel train her powers, and start to develop telekinesis. A little insight on the fact that indeed, all aliens somewhat share the same powers. Pod Squad hasn’t unlocked it all yet.

To end the episode, and the season, we have Max playing God part 3. Resuscitating Rosa. And killing himself in the process. My logical explanation here (other than the fact that it’s illogical) is that it’s a swap of energy in a way. Since nothing is created, nothing is lost, everything is transformed.

Conclusion (spoiler free for future seasons)

To sum up on all the alien powers in season 1, we see that each alien has a “predominant” power:

Max with healing and controlling electricity (all technically related as both boil down to controlling the electricity part of electromagnetic connections between atoms);

Michael with telekinesis;

Isobel with her mindscape and influencing people’s actions;

Noah, who seems to be able to use full extend of his powers;

Subject N-38, who can give stage 4 tumours to anyone and anything he touches.

As we see with Noah, and as he confirms, the aliens who we have so far only seen master a single ability (excluding N-38 from that list, as we do not have enough information on him to conclude anything about the full extent of his powers), simply haven’t unlocked everything.

We also see that Max and Isobel have both gotten sick after using too much of their powers, but we haven’t seen the same for Michael.

Alien powers can be inhibited by a yellow pollen that comes from a rare plant that seems to only grow in a part of the desert in Libya (I will go back to that plant in season 2, since then the show actually gives more details about it).

#I'm back with another meta!#considering s4 airs in less than 10h #and that it will be 2am for me #and that ive spent most of my weekend binging season 1 to get this done #i wont do season 2 for a little while #but it will come dont worry #along with the science meta for season 4 #roswell new mexico #rnm meta #tell me youre a nerd without saying youre a nerd #thesquidkid does meta #thesquidkid writes

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simluvbot · 3 years ago

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Enhypen’s reaction to when you punch a guy (hyung line)

a/n: this was a request ! I said I could upload this a few days ago but due to it being my birthday and it currently being exam week I didn’t have the time to edit this so that’s why I uploaded without proofreading at first TT // ok I finished editing 😁 Jake and sunghoon’s one is so bad don’t read it pls sorry

Although as this fic includes violence I only wrote for hyung like members and not maknae line, I hope you understand

Warnings: descriptions of physical violence (punching), mentions of being in a crowd, mentions of wanting to harm others (thoughts)

+ note: this is a work of fiction and in no way am I encouraging violence ! I wrote this in a way that I thought would match the member’s personalities although this is definitely not a true depiction of the enhypen members ^^

Lee heeseung

You and heeseung had been in the library studying together for your exams, and although you both had luckily reserved a secluded spot in the library that was both quiet and spacious for your revision, it wasn’t soon before some inconsiderate assholes had decided to occupy your desk too.

There were only two of them, yet they still managed to take up over half of the table whereas you and heeseung only had one small portion to yourselves

Plus they were very noisy, and the only librarian being on the seconf floor didnt help either 😐

You and your boyfriend had both made several attempts to sheepishly ask them if they could please quieten down before the librarian came back and kicked them out and more importantly so you mad heeseung could focus ??

But they simply ignored you, paying attention to the… online games ?? They had came to the library to play???

You were starting to get very annoyed, but decided to bite your tongue and instead have you and heeseung focus on your work

But it was when one of them spilt their coffee on heeseung’s expensive textbook and even laugh afterwards which is what you decided that you finally had it

You don’t know how it happened, but soon you were standing up and landed a solid punch on the guy’s face

Heeseung was really shocked, just as much as you at your brash movements

And he would be even more concerned for you when he sees the person you punched egret aggressive to you and start getting close in your face.

“Hey man, that’s enough.” Despite heeseung’s shock, it didn’t take him longer than second before he stood up and grabbed at the man’s arm easily after he got up close you you intimidatingly, heeseung’s strong grip preventing the stranger from hitting you back and you swear you’ve never heard heeseung’s voice so deep and authoritative before as he told the man to sit down and focus on his stupid game

Due to your own surprise at your actions, you barely payed attention to what was going on as heeseung had a polite (on his end..) whisper-argument with the two guys, packing his things up as well as yours before grabbing your hand and safely leading you out of the library

You two ended up going home where he cleaned at your busted knuckles gently, sad at the fact that you got hurt and overall bummed out at two guys who got you so worked up and that his go-to textbook got ruined ):

“Baby, why did you do that, Hm? We could have just left to another place. You could have gotten hurt if they fought back!”

More than anything, your boyfriend was upset at the idea of you potentially getting more than just a few cuts and bruises on your knuckles, and so you promised heeseung right then and there that you wouldn’t do it again

After both of you got changed into your pyjamas, you and heeseung had set up your own study area in the dining room table, where you both continued with your study session for the rest of the day, with lots of cuddles afterwards as a reward!

Park Jongseong

You and jay were walking back home and it was already dark outside as you were both walking through the streets.

Approaching a heavily crowded place outside a club which included several people under the influences, it was pretty hard for you both to squeeze through the crowd as you were walking past.

They literally were spilling onto the road.. :/

“Jay.” You gasped when you lost hold of his hand on yours, leaving you in the idle of the crowd alone. There were so many bodies around you and as you got quickly pushed to against a wall from the movements of the people you found it hard to make your way through the people who were much taller than you.

You were starting to get anxious and when someone came directly in front of you, literally ignoring you asking for them to move and plainly blocking you for no reason you started to get frustrated, adrenaline in your veins as you lost your boyfriend and wanted to get out asap before you started fo panic.

You had asked the person to please move out of the way so you could pass through and they even had the audacity to look at you and make eye contact — only to simply ignore you when you asked for the nth time for them to scoot.

So, with your anxiety peaking and frustration soaring, you punched them hard on their face as soon as they turned around, and when they went stumbling backwards you finally had enough space to escape from your trapped position against the wall.

Jay had finally found you and was right there a few steps in front of you, and you were almost reaching him when a hand pulled you back suddenly, slamming you against the wall aggressively and leading you to hit your head hard.

Jay saw the whole thing. and he was livid

He shouted at the guy and grabbed his hands in his, pushing him so he was off of you once again. Jay was so angry he literally thought he could see red. How dare a man not just refuse to let someone obviously distressed through, but to touch you and hurt you?

You had to calm him down and urged hin for you both to leave before the stranger started getting aggressive because he was already shouting at you both and some heads were turning 😟

He eventually listened to you when he saw your glossed eyes and you clutching at your aching knuckles, so gently grabbing your unhurt hand in his he swiftly led you both away from the crowd in less than a minute, face fallen and heart aching ah ):

“Hey, let me look at you. are you okay? Did that bastard hurt you a lot?”

You could tell he was still so agitated with what happened, checking at your bruised knuckles and looking a the back of your head that was starting to form a lump from the force of being pushed against the wall earlier.

“I’m so sorry, I should have held tighter. I should have brought some security guards with us today.”

You had to tell him it was okay and you defended yourself and the guy was just a jerk and can’t hurt you anymore.

Jay was still so sad at the fact that you got hurt all because he let you go accidentally for one second ): seeing you so anxious and literally in pain made him feel so bad.

He showered you in many kisses once you both got home and you had a relaxing bath together, as well as helping treat your bruise , promising for this to never happen again 🥺

Sim jaeyun

You were hanging out with your old classmates as a reunion and it was getting close to the time where Jake had said he would pick you up to take you home.

Your classmates had asked you if you had a partner and when you told them that you did, they all got instantly curious.

You of course got so excited and was ecstatic to flaunt off your talented and handsome boyfriend to them :D

So you showed them a picture of Jake, however the reaction that you were met with was not what you were expecting.

Your classmates were silent for a few moments as they looked at the photo, before one of them eventually asked,

“Oh, so that’s the guy you’re dating?”

You could see two of them exchange glances for a reason you could not possibly fathom and your heart fell to your stomach when you saw them stifing their laughter.

“What?” You asked, frowning as you looked at the photo you showed them on your phone. What was wrong with the photo?

“Oh.. nothing it’s just.. well.. he just doesn’t look like the best option..”

“It’s pretty cute actually. Of course you would end up with a guy that looks like he matches you in social level.. he’s probably a loser.”

You were so confused and the comments kept coming as they talked amongst themselves, openly criticising Jake for no reason.

You gotta admit, you never were the closest my with your classmates in the first place but still decided to agree to the meet-up for old times’ sake.

You could put up with their side glances towards you ever since you arrived because you barely cared, but when they dared talk about your boyfriend like that??

You were so angry you felt yourself almost shaking.

“Hey.” You said, standing up abruptly from your seat on the picnic table at the park you guys were hanging out at.

“Why are you insulting my boyfriend like that. What is wrong with you?”

Once again, they simply laughed in your face, seeming to think of your reaction as hilarious.

You were gonna start crying soon because the rage boiling up inside of you was reaching to the point that you were finding it hard to contain it and breathe deeply to keep calm and not cause a scene.

But they kept insulting Jake, liking watching you get angry under their gazes.

One of your classmates in particular kept offering comments, too many and you had enough - you snapped.

You punched them square in the face.

And you had done so just when you noticed Jake exiting his car right outside of the park, when it was obvious that he saw you.

You didn’t care, and in fact you started laughing almost hysterically in front of your classmates at their shocked expressions.

You were in tears because the person you punched started having a nosebleed… to you it was hilarious and you were in your own world trying to catch your breath from laughing so much until you heard your name being called.

“Y/n.” Jake said worriedly, finally reaching yoy and placing a hand on your shoulder.

He led you to his car, and after you both left and as you sat silently in the passenger seat having calmed down, you were staring to feel awkward with all the little glances Jake threw towards you ever so often.

He didn’t ask or push, instead just remaining silent and gripping at your hand you had punched your classmate with, thumb swirling over your red knuckles as he stared down at them with a bothered expression.

“Sorry.” You finally said, giving him a sheepish smile. “They just kept talking so badly about you when they found out I had a boyfriend.. I couldn’t resist.”

Jake if anything was a bit disappointed that you had reacted violently, and he was silent for a few seconds as he sat unknowing of what to say, frowning and licking his lips like a confused puppy trying to work out a solution.

“Please just don’t do it again. Violence is never okay, you should have just left. I don’t want my y/nnie getting hurt or getting into fights because of me, okay?”

You both drove back and cuddled a lot on the sofa, and Jake made sure to give your knuckles several kisses, his heart aching with the memory of what happened );

Park Sunghoon

“Ha, if it isn’t the ugly y/n.”

You bit your lip as you heard the familiar laugh of the rink bullies behind you, plainly mocking you.

“Still friends with that weirdo, park sunghoon?”

Ever since the members in the same extracurricular figure skating club had found out you were friends with sunghoon, the ice boy that they liked to torment for reasons forever unknown to you, you had soon too fallen victim to their evil teasing.

“I told you to stop making fun of sunghoon like that.” You said plainly, sighing as you sat down on a bench to undo your skates.

The group members laughed and would just not leave you alone, even going as far as sitting next to you and entering your personal space by constantly poking at your sides sharply.

And you swear to god the temptation of slashing open their faces with the bottom of your skates was very tempting—

But no, you had told sunghoon that you would meet him at the entrance of the rink to walk home together after your individual practices; and you were already running late.

“Where you going? To go see sunghoon? Huh? Go tell him that we messed with his skates so he fails in the competition.”

Your hands froze as you were tying your converses. You looked up, meeting the leader’s gaze.

“What?” You had enough. You could never understand why they had sunghoon as their punching bag. Sunghoon was used to it, not one to start arguments and the type to only keep to himself when things like this happen.

You just went along with it and followed his lead in ignoring your other club members, but them going this far to try to sabotage the performance sunghoon had been training months for? You had enough of simply doing nothing in retaliation to their bullying.

Standing up abruptly, they stood back at youe sudden movement, but not quick enough for being able to dodge the punch you swung directly on the nose of the nearest one in front of you.

“Y/n?”

Looking over to the doorframe of the changing room — there was park sunghoon.

“Sunghoon.” You said in shock, glancing over towards the group in front of you as they started guffawing at the sides of the person you punched

“Sorry, I got caught up with-“

You were just making your way speedily over towards hoon when you were pulled back by the wrist painfully.

You gasped when the force that you were let go of led you to be flung over to one side and practically topple onto the sticky matte floor.

Wincing as you landed on your wrist, you hissed at the fresh pain and the loud crack that came with it.

It was silent as everyone paused, having heard your wrist snapping as much as you had felt the pain of it.

“Y/n!” Sunghoon was at your side in an instant, pushing his way cut though the others standing around you in shock.

His pretty face was frowned with worry, eyes wide as he came in front of you, assessing your wrist without touching it.

“Let’s get out of here.” He scooped you up, and if you weren’t busy trying to breathe in and out deeply to calm yourself down after your injury, you would have been surprised at the skate bullies making space for a clear path Sunghoon to carry you through.

From all your time of knowing the talented ice boy, your skating partner and friend — you had never really seen him show much emotion apart from the small smiles and laughs he gave only to you. His long legs were able to stride quickly to a bench outside as he called an ambulance for you, a distressed expression as he meticulously cared towards you.

And gee if you breaking your wrist didn’t hurt like hell, but after all, did you regret that day? No. You finally were able to stand up to the bullies for the first time, and even more importantly — that moment had started the beginning of a new chapter for you and Sunghoon.

#enhypen scenarios #enhypen headcanons #enhypen reactions #enhypen angst #enhypen imagines #enhypen fic #enhypen jake #enhypen sunghoon #enhypen #enhypen heeseung #enhypen jay #kpop imagines

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battlships · 4 years ago

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Hello friends it’s 5am and I want to talk about a few things: Jewish Bucky, Steve the golem, and the importance of Sam and Bucky’s dynamic. This is gonna get long so I’ll put a cut in at some point

okay so Bucky in the MCU is based off two characters, Bucky Barnes, Captain America's sidekick and Arnie Roth, Steve Rogers' childhood best friend who saved him from bullies growing up. Arnie is gay and Jewish (Roth is a very typical Jewish name without being a stereotype). Remember these characters were all originally created by Jews and names are very important in Jewish culture. Now, Steve is a character who was metatextually created by Jewish writers to fight the Nazis (and therefore protect the Jewish people). A golem is a being created from clay to protect the Jews in times of trouble. There's a whole extra thing about truth and death that i can get into at another point BUT that's not super important right now because Steve is a different kind of golem.

Steve obviously is also his own character within the context of the story, so he's a metaphorical golem. The writers created him to fight the Nazis like I said... but textually he's also a golem, "created" in a sense by the Jewish scientist Abraham Erskine... to fight the nazis and protect the Jews. Futhermore, while it's a different kind of star to not be quite so obvious, the Hebrew words for "star of David" is "magen david" or "shield of David" and what does Steve fight with?

A shield. With a star. And he uses that shield to save his Jewish best friend from the Nazis.

(Side note, Jewish prisoners were more likely to be selected for experimentation, which is what was happening to Bucky when Steve found him.)

So now that we've gotten all of that established, let's talk about why it's so important that Sam isn't give the super soldier serum (in canon, please have fun with all your fics and headcanons) but Bucky is. Bucky was held captive by a fictional group of people that started off with the Nazis and have since morphed into something different, something possibly more dangerous, because it's hidden. He was held captive and tortured by Neo-Nazis. (I hope I don’t need to explain that Soviet Russia was also not a big fan of the Jews.) He was also forced to do terrible things to survive, something with which many white Jews have to reckon.

Bucky ultimately can’t be held responsible for his actions by any law, but he is morally held responsible and takes it upon himself to make amends. This is a very Jewish concept of forgiveness (not to say it doesn’t exist in other cultures). According to Jewish law, a person can’t be granted forgiveness by G-d unless they’ve truly and genuinely undergone “teshuvah” or “repentance”. This means a sincere attempt at making amends to the person you’ve wronged, or to their family. I don’t know if the FAWS team knew what they were doing here, but honestly kudos either way.

Teshuvah is not just about making amends though, it also involves self-reflection.

The elements of teshuvah include rigorous self-examination and require the perpetrator to engage with the victim, by confessing, expressing regret and making every effort possible to right the wrong that he committed.

What is therapy if not self-examination?

That also makes it very important that Bucky isn’t really making amends in the way that Jewish law requires until Sam sets him straight. Now, let’s talk about Sam for a bit. Samuel Wilson, a black man who grew up in modern day America, and in FAWS it’s the American South. He’s constantly bombared by an image of America that has never fought for him. But when he’s handed the shield by Steve, he doesn’t become a golem the way Steve was... and he’s never given the serum. On one level that’s good because it would harken back to the Tuskegee Experiments, which is very blatantly referred to with Isaiah. But I feel like I’m probably not overstepping any bounds as a white person to say that maybe we don’t need more torture porn. If I am feel free to call me out.

That said, I think it’s really important that with Sam and Bucky, the dynamic is flipped. Whereas Steve, in his position of social power over Bucky as a white goyische man (though still a victim of some oppression himself as a working class Irish Catholic in the 30s) was the one saving Bucky (after Bucky saved him when he was physically weaker), now Bucky the white Jewish man is the physically stronger one who protects, defends, and uplifts the black man wearing the stars and stripes. When Steve first had his Captain America moment, Bucky shouted to the crowd “Let’s hear it for Captain America!” Steve was a vehicle for a Jewish voice. Meanwhile Sam’s Captain America moment involved him getting to directly yell at US senators over their refusal to help the people of their country and the world who need them, despite the fact that they very easily could. After Sam gets to have his voice heard, Bucky quietly tells him, “Good job, Cap.” It’s not Bucky’s place to speak for Sam, but to validate and support him instead.

There is a long history between the Jewish and Black communities, one of both contention and support, with a hell of a lot of crossover. We are often pitted against each other by white goyische society despite the fact that we have common goals, and Sam and Bucky are a really great (probably mostly accidental) metaphor for what we can accomplish working together. While Bucky is a victim of white supremacy as a Jew, he also benefits from it as a white man, so it’s his responsibility to use that whiteness to defend Sam when he needs it (both in battle - Bucky will often jump in front of Sam to take a hit meant for him - and in society in general, like when Sam was justifiably angry at him and the cops started hassling Sam for his ID).

Anyway this ramble was partly brought to you all by the batshit take that Bucky in FAWS is actually supposed to be a Nazi and the moral of FAWS is that we’re supposed to forgive Nazis. Shoutout to Noah Berlatsky for muting me on twitter when I tried to argue with him about it. Bucky isn’t a Nazi, he’s a Jew who suffered under white supremacy and also helped to perpetuate it but is now attempting to make amends and uplift black voices.

#Bucky Barnes #Sam Wilson #Steve Rogers #TFATWS #FAWS #falcon and the winter soldier #the falcon and the winter soldier #MCU #Jewish Bucky Barnes #mine #meta #jewish meta #yes i'll be eternally mad about that 'bucky is a nazi' take #what a fucking idiot lol #also sam and bucky are married i don't make the rules #i'm also quite obvously very biased #i love bucky and part of why i love bucky is bc i percieve him as jewish #but it's because his story doesn't really make sense if he's not

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jellyluchi · 3 years ago

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La Squadra x Gamer!Reader + spice

A/N: I’m not much of a gamer but I have been playing a few video games lately that gave me this idea. Edit: this was drafted mooonths ago when I was still playing Hades which I haven’t touched in a hot minute...

— Genre: nsfw, minors DNI

— Warnings: suggestive content, mentions of oral, fingering

Risotto

Tries to understand and play some of your video games if you decide to teach him, depending on the type of game he’s either really good or he sucks

Prefers to watch you play in either complete silence or let you talk and explain what the game is about

might ask you questions here and there because he’s a good boyfriend who takes interest in his partner’s fav hobbies!

enjoys relaxing decorative games or puzzle games the most. Also horror for aesthetics and good stories.

depending on whether he can tell if you’re in the mood (and yes he can tell) might tease you as you play

it starts with very light touches while you’re concentrating on the game and before you can even tell somehow you’re squirming!

very good at being stealthy when it comes to teasing his partners physically

might even use metallica to heighten your experience! your game is soon forgotten and you can’t remember if you beat the level or not

Prosciutto

Most likely to have you already on his lap when you’re playing if it’s his day off and he’s relaxing

a grandpa who won’t even try your video games unless you can somehow convince him with like.... a 45 slide power point on why he’d enjoy it, otherwise it’s just not to his taste

however, in the occasion that you do convince him, it’s truly a sight to see! This man is as intensely competitive as he is shit at games LOL (running in an fps looking at the ground with no camera control rip)

prone to giving up very fast unless you really walk him through it! Even then might not enjoy it unless it’s an interesting story or concept

will be more partial to games that tackle ethics and morals or are darker themed

But his favorite game is teasing you, you’re already on his lap and he loves giving you cuddles and if your having fun with your game why can’t he have fun with his?

It will be such a sensual and soothing experiencing you won’t realize when it even began before you’re panting a bit.

The best outcome is when you willingly leave your video games to go play with him instead

Pesci

Not big on gaming on his own but enjoys them very much when he plays, loves it if you invite him to play something!

Enjoys building and open world exploring type games the most (especially if the latter has some sort of fishing mini-game)

He likes to be creative with his building or wants to get immersed in some fantastical story

Is also chill with listening to you explain your games to him if he’s unfamiliar and loves watching you play

Now if you want some ‘video games and chill’ type situation you might have to be the one to initiate.

Whether it’s hinting at it verbally or physically he would need that confirmation

But once he knows what you want he’s not afraid to support you under the desk if you know what I mean.

Likes to hear your moans overpowering the video game music because it lets him know he’s doing a good job

Formaggio

He’s already your video game buddy most likely, and he gets playfully competitive to boot

Likes FPS the most, especially if it’s multiplayer because that means he can go against you and keep score who got most kills

But if it’s a story based game he’ll goof off and sabotage missions on purpose to see how he can mess with the game (gfx, mechanics etc.)

Also just generally a fan of shooting things in game because it’s satisfying plus he has really good aim wit all his practice

when he’s not in the mood to play he’ll comment on your gaming and get close to rub your thighs slowly

if you don’t get the hint he’ll get bolder with his touches until they’re on your ass and interrupting your concentration

likes when you get frustrated from his touches and considers it a victory if you drop your game to make out with him

Likes to make bets like ‘if you score ___ I’ll dive between your legs’

Melone

Not partial to gaming but definitely has gaming experience, mostly with rhythm games rather than traditional console or PC ones

He really likes to know the details of games from you and can listen to you for hours explaining your favorite parts

Gets into Sci-fi games the most, he loves the world building and the creative fictional technology that they come up with esp for space travel

His skills with the computer didn’t give him much gaming skills but it did allow him to get used to the controls quickly and he gets better with time

Touching you is something he’d rather do, even if its got an interesting concept because nothing is better than seeing you try to fight your moans

If you’re concentrated in gaming or explaining something he won’t interrupt you, but will invade your personal space till you get the hint

If you don’t, he will only inch closer till he’s touching you, first in innocent spots but eventually between your legs or your chest

Loves giving oral during gaming sessions, if you need support under the table he’s your man

Illuso

Never been much of a gamer but he loves to watch you play, especially when you get riled up. He’ll make lots of teasing comments about your gameplay to make you angry or irritated on purpose

He pretends to look down on your gaming skills only because he knows the anger fuels your hormones

He gets bored quick when asked to play, is more into the avatar making section of the game than the actual game

The type to run around in game going through the surrounding talking to random NPCs than actually playing

His boredom from the games usually leads to other ideas, abandoning his console he, very sneakily, gets behind you. Like a snake he’s quickly wrapped around your body before you realize

You would only notice when he’s making quick work of your clothes, he’ll stop if you ask but if not, and usually you don’t, he’ll tease your inner thighs

Doesn’t really putting his fingers between your legs unless you give him your undivided attention. If you whine, he just asks you what you want (may or may not give it to you depending on his mood)

His goal is to make you sexually frustrated enough to abandon the game and let him finger you instead

Ghiaccio

A competitive gamer himself, you may find yourself actually challenged when playing with him. More likely to play FPS than the rest.

He’s definitely vocal and focused when playing, comments on your every little move like you’re making the worst decision of your life

Thinks bets are stupid (because he’s gonna win, obviously right?) and accept whatever challenge you throw at him

Is super smug if he wins, but if he loses and you make him do something he hates he’ll be a sore loser and curse up a storm saying he’ll get you back for it

Ghiaccio takes things at face value, he’s not going to think you’re here to fuck unless you actually say so (in which case he goes very red not realizing your intentions)

If he’s particularly pent up though, he will wonder about the possibility of but won’t initiate it, you really have to be the one to rile him up well

if you play your cards right, that is, letting him win, handling his attitude about it, getting him flustered enough, he will be open to letting you sucking him off, courtesy of winning the game

the other much more fun route would be to win against him, tease him to hell and back and just saying “shut up and fuck me” in which case he will be more than happy to oblige after the stunt you pulled when playing

Sorbet & Gelato

These two are actually pretty accustomed to old consoles such as the n64, having had grown up during it’s time however you will still have to help them navigate any gaming interface properly

Most likely not used to PC gaming just yet but it’s terribly fun to have them watch especially if you’re playing horror and Gelato delights in the jumpscares while Sorbet really has no reaction

Very much likes the morbid games psychological horrors with gore, their favorite characters are always the unhinged ones

They’re both prone to comment if they’re playing themselves and it’s fun to watch as they’re barely phased by the atmosphere or general horrors of the game

Neither of them have much fun just observing you play your game, it’s more likely Gelato will get bored and whisper something lewd into Sorbet’s ear who smirks and they move into action

The plan is simple, they just want to see you squirm, won’t it be so much more fun to play if you’re taking Gelato from behind while Sorbet goes down your throat?

Sure, in that case you’d be in no position to play by yourself but in perfect position for them to play with their little plaything

they’re really not much for subtlety and two of them and one of you, it doesn’t take much convincing nor man power to get you on your knees.

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eliemo · 4 years ago

Text

The Worst Thing in the World

Summary: Everyone knows Virgil needs to be handled a little different. He might not like it, but that’s the way it is, and living with the light sides won’t change that. After all, it’s common sense. Right?

Notes: So this is a lot longer and sadder than I planned on but i tend to get carried away. All main 6 sides are sympathetic here.

TWs: Talk of physical violence, implied abuse (past) Sympathetic/morally gray Remus and Janus but Unsympathetic unnamed characters

Part Two: Getting There

Virgil paused outside the closed door, holding his breath and listening, ensuring everything was silent for what had to be the hundredth time.

It had taken him an embarrassingly long time to work up the courage to even make it down the hall.

But everything was quiet. Logan was with Thomas working on the schedule for the week and should be occupied for a while. It was fine. Virgil could slip in and out and no one would ever know.

He really shouldn’t be pushing his luck like this. They’d been so...so ridiculously nice to him since he’d tried to duck out, and it had been everything he’d wanted for longer than he knew how to say.

They were welcoming, understanding, and patient. And most of the time, he was able to convince himself it was genuine. That they were all trying.

And yeah, he knew it wouldn’t always be this good. He was still getting used to all of this, to being a part of things, so they were cutting him some slack. Letting him adjust. Giving him time to get comfortable.

Honestly, at times it was a bit painfully obvious how hard they were trying, especially considering how far from perfect he’d been despite his best efforts.

They’d let far too many things go in favor of getting Virgil to relax. Things that never would slide if he’d been around longer.

He’d put a clean glass in the wrong cabinet after his first dinner with the light sides, and Patton had only smiled, quickly corrected him, and moved on.

He’d accidentally spilled his drink on the table, and Roman had just shut down his string of prepared apologies with an almost odd smile before actually offering to clean it up himself.

(Virgil had, of course, shut the offer down. He knew what they were doing, pretending his mistakes could be overlooked, but it didn’t mean he was useless. He was still trying to be good)

Virgil had even bumped right into Logan the other day, moving too fast through the darkened hallway in his haste to get to his room, causing the logical side to stumble and drop some papers he’d been holding. Virgil hadn’t even gotten a chance to open his mouth before Logan had gracefully picked up the papers, gently told Virgil to slow down, and continued on his way.

It was...really kind of sweet, once he realized what they were doing. They knew he was wary, knew he wanted this so badly. So they were giving him extra chances, careful to be gentle as he settled in, not wanting him to duck out again.

But now, weeks later, things had been changing. Not in a bad way, of course. Far from it. Things were just...more comfortable. More familiar. He was actually starting to feel like a part of their family, like maybe he could actually belong, and the others seemed to actually agree, gradually relaxing in his presence.

Of course, it also meant all those extra chances wouldn’t be handed out freely anymore. He couldn’t expect to get away with things so easily now that he was settled in.

Which was why he really shouldn’t be sneaking into Logan’s room.

He was just...he needed something to do. His anxiety had been through the roof since he’d woken up, making him antsy and restless, and with the others busy all day he hadn’t had an outlet since breakfast.

He’d noticed Logan had been lost in a book for the past few days, rambling on about it a bit once he was finished that morning, and while Virgil couldn’t exactly remember any details, something about the title and general idea had piqued his interest. Or maybe he was just desperate at this point.

It had been a while since he’d been able to get into a good book, but it usually did help him calm down.

And of course he could just ask Logan but...he could all too easily picture the logical side mocking the request or turning him down without question, and while Virgil knew it was unrealistic, he couldn’t muster up the courage.

But it was fine. He knew what the cover looked like, he’d find the book, read it alone in his room, and return it when he got the chance.

Easy.

Except...well, that thought went right out the window as soon as he actually stepped inside. In hindsight, he should have seen it coming with how much Logan valued literature.

He just hadn’t expected Logan’s bookshelf to be so big.

Jesus, how many books could a guy even read? Logan barely even had any free time as it was. His library took up an entire wall, floor to ceiling, and Virgil didn’t think he’d ever seen so many books in his entire life. It was like something out of the fantasy stories Logan liked to deny enjoying.

Virgil knew he should turn back. He was still trespassing, and there was no way he’d find the specific book he was looking for in the limited time he had.

But...maybe the specific book didn’t even matter. He could find something to read, maybe even a few, just to keep him occupied until Logan was distracted in a few days and he could return them.

He carefully shut the door behind him, waiting a moment like Logan would pop up at any moment, and carefully approached the shelf.

They were all clearly meticulously organized, first by genre, then author in alphabetical order, and Virgil wondered how long it had taken Logan to do.

He scanned the genres: fiction, nonfiction, historical fiction, sci-fi, textbooks, articles…

There was a brief moment of panic as he ran his finger along some of the book’s spines, frantically wondering if he would even be able to put it back in the right place, and what Logan would do if he found out Virgil had stolen--

“Greetings, Virgil.”

Virgil jumped so hard his shoulder slammed into the edge of the shelf, fear and realization hitting full force as two books toppled over and fell to the ground, leaving behind silence louder than a gunshot.

Virgil was frozen like a deer in headlights, gaze locked on Logan who was giving the fallen books a quizzical look.

“Apologies for startling you,” he said, which was not how Virgil was expecting this to start, but it was almost worse than the anger he knew was coming. “I hadn’t expected you to be in here.”

Virgil tried not to flinch, legs feeling like jello, panicked mind running through endless possibilities of how this was going to go. He’d seen Logan angry, of course, heard him yell, seen him lose himself to frustrated rants.

It was impossible to know for sure how Logan would handle this, though. Handle him. He would want to discover the best method for a lasting impression, right? He’d probably been waiting to experiment different responses.

“Virgil?”

“Sorry,” Virgil said quickly, realizing he’d gone silent. “Sorry, I wasn’t...um, I wasn’t stealing. I-I know how it looks but I promise I was gonna bring them back I was just...I-I knew you were busy so…”

He trailed off, heart sinking when it occurred to him just how guilty he sounded. He was a thief whether he was going to return them or not, and here he was, babbling like a scared child in front of the evidence.

He swallowed, knowing there was no way out of it. He shouldn’t be trying to make excuses. “S-sorry.”

He couldn’t meet Logan’s eyes, but he saw the logical side take a cautious step forward. “You were...oh, the books. Virgil, if you were interested in borrowing some reading material you could have simply asked.”

Virgil did flinch this time, the reminder like a punch to the gut. God, why couldn’t he have just asked. A few seconds of anxiety and a bit of awkwardness would have been worth avoiding this.

What the hell was wrong with him? How could he sneak around and steal from the people he tried so hard to earn the trust of?

“I...I know,” he managed. “I just...sorry. I shouldn’t have, um, yeah. I know I shouldn’t have snuck in.”

“Oh, it’s quite alright,” Logan said, the blood rushing to Virgil’s ears as he came closer, voice nearly drowned out by his own racing heart. “It can hardly be considered sneaking- you do live here. Besides, I’ve read most of these already so you are welcome to--”

At the moment, all Virgil registered was Logan’s presence now beside him, and the hand moving forward just in the corner of his vision.

He was moving before he had the chance to even think about it, crumpling to the ground out of Logan’s reach, hands moving to protect his face, hunching his shoulders and waiting for the blow.

The blow that...that didn’t come.

“Virgil.”

Virgil flinched at his voice, biting his tongue to keep from whimpering. He could feel Logan standing above him, annoyed even more now, no doubt. What was he waiting for?

“Virgil,” he said again, softer this time. “Will you look at me, please?”

Oh. Oh, of course. Logan wouldn’t want to punish Virgil if he wasn’t sure the anxious side was even aware enough to understand. He wanted Virgil to see what he deserved.

He got that. He understood.

So he nodded, hating how hard it was, digging his nails into his palm when he felt himself growing dangerously close to hyperventilating. He wouldn’t let himself fall under a panic attack. He wouldn’t hurt Thomas because of this.

Virgil slowly raised his head, realizing idly that he was shaking. His throat felt tight, eyes burning, and Virgil kind of wished he could just hit himself.

God, what was wrong with him? He wasn’t going to cry. He couldn’t. He’d known what he was doing, knew all too well what would happen if he fucked it up, and he had (of course he had).

He deserved this. It was fine.

He was, however, mildly surprised to find Logan lowered to his level, the logical side crouched down on the balls of his feet, watching Virgil with an almost worried frown.

“Take some deep breaths, please,” he said. “I was only going to help you pick the books up off the floor. I apologize if I moved too quickly.”

Virgil shook his head, clenching his jaw to keep the teas at bay, not even sure how he was supposed to respond to that. Why the hell was Logan apologizing?

“It’s...it’s whatever,” he managed. “Sorry for, uh, you know. F-freaking out like...like that.”

“It’s quite alright.”

Virgil took a shaky breath, realizing Logan’s silence was probably him waiting to make sure he wasn’t about to send Virgil over the edge in any way that could affect Thomas.

His heart was in no way slowing, dread and apprehension rising unbearably but...but the waiting was only going to make it worse, the anticipation sickening. Best to get it over with.

“Alright,” he said, almost impressed with how steady his voice came out. “I’m ready.”

Virgil expected something to happen right then and there. He was less than prepared for the hesitation followed by...nothing?

“Ready?” Logan echoed. “Ready for...what?”

Virgil forced himself the shrug, still not able to quite reach Logan’s eyes, struggling to maintain nonchalance he didn’t feel in the slightest.

“I don’t know,” he muttered. “However, uh...however you wanted to do it, I guess. Whatever you’re gonna do.”

A beat of silence and Virgil remained tense, bracing himself, willing himself to relax and take it. But all that happened was Logan awkwardly clearing his throat, leaning back on his heels.

“Well,” he said. “I...had only planned on replacing the fallen books and assisting you in picking out some things to read.”

Virgil nodded, blinking furiously to push back tears fighting to break through. “Ok? Uh, you mean...before or-or after?”

“I’m...I’m afraid I don’t understand,” Logan admitted, incredibly out of character. “Have I missed something? What...exactly do you believe is happening?”

Virgil wasn't exactly sure why that mattered. Was this...was this part of it? Making sure he understood?

“Uhm, I-I broke into your room? I mean...I know I shouldn’t have taken your stuff without asking. I know...I know that’s not ok. I’m sorry.”

He saw Logan tilt his head slightly, frown deepening. “It really is not an issue, Virgil. My books aren’t exactly locked away. I would only prefer you ask next time so I do not end up startling you, but you’re reacting as if I--”

He stopped himself, and Virgil saw the moment realization dawned, something in Logan’s expression hardening.

Oh. Of course. Logan hadn’t been sure Virgil would know something like this was coming.

But he did, of course. He understood, as much as he hated it. He was anxiety, there wasn’t any other way to handle him. There wasn’t a choice.

“Ah,” Logan said, softer than before. “I see.”

Virgil nodded again, heart still racing so fast he thought Logan might be able to hear it, glad that now they could at least get it over with.

But Logan still wasn’t moving, still talking in that achingly gentle voice. “Virgil, I have no intention of harming you in any way. I’m not even remotely upset with you.”

And that...that didn’t make any sense. Virgil had literally just gone into someone else’s room without permission, and Logan had just said he’d prefer to be asked so why--?

Unless...unless he was being given another chance. Again. Another chance he didn’t deserve in favor of over the top friendliness.

“Don’t,” he said, before he could even consider stopping himself. “Don’t keep doing this, Logan, please I...it’s ok, you guys don’t have to keep pretending. I know you’re angry, I know--”

“I’m not angry,” Logan interrupted, firm but somehow still gentle, and Virgil shrank back. “I believe we have a larger issue to discuss as a group but for now please understand that I am not angry with you. And even if I was, I would never intentionally bring you any harm. I know for a fact the others would not either.”

Virgil shook his head, hating all of this, hating feeling small and pitied, hated delaying the inevitable like things could work any other way.

He hated the treacherous, nagging hope in his chest.

“But they will,” he insisted. “You all will, I know you're just...waiting to make sure I won’t leave again but I won’t. I know it's how it works, ok? It’s fine.”

The lie tasted like acid on his tongue. But some of it was true, at least. He wouldn’t try to leave again. He was finally feeling like a part of things. And if he was good, well...maybe that could last.

Logan was silent for a long moment, and Virgil was just beginning to think he’d finally managed to convince him to set the pity aside when he was speaking again.

“Virgil, do you think you could accompany me to the commons? I believe it is imperative to discuss this with the others.”

Virgil froze, realizing he may have just made a simple situation worse by raising his voice. Did Logan really need to get everyone? It was bad enough that just Logan was upset with him but all of them...

But he knew better than to risk any further anger by arguing. And Logan was carefully offering a hand, palm up, no sudden movements or pain when Virgil hesitantly took it and was helped to his feet, so maybe...maybe Logan wasn’t actually angry.

Not right now, at least.

Logan led them down the hallway to the living room, Virgil unable to stop his trembling the entire time, legs a bit unsteady and weak. He almost wished the short walk took longer, dread building up in his gut the closer he got like a man being led to the gallows.

He had to remind himself to breathe when he saw both Patton and Roman already there, lounging casually, all smiles amid easy conversation.

Logan cleared his throat, Virgil left to shift awkwardly beside him, the other two sides immediately glancing up with bright, welcoming smiles.

Virgil felt guilt twist in his gut at having to ruin that.

“I believe,” Logan started. “That we need to have a...family meeting, as Patton might call it. There’s been a bit of a miscommunication that needs clearing up.”

“Everything alright?” Roman asked as Patton, cheerful as ever, waved them both over. Logan didn’t answer, and Virgil was too busy staring at the ground to think of a reply.

He ended up being seated on the couch beside Roman, Patton sitting across from him and Logan standing at the arm of the couch. For a moment nobody spoke, Roman and Patton clearly at a loss.

“Virgil,” Logan prompted. “Would you mind telling the others what happened from your point of view?”

Virgil’s eyes widened, head snapping up to look at Logan with something almost like betrayal, and any hope he’d had that this was going to be forgiven without consequences suddenly vanished.

But Logan was quick to reassure him, hand moving to rest against Virgil’s clenched fist. “I assure you, nothing about my previous statements will change. I only want to ensure they have all the context.”

Virgil shakily nodded, like he had any choice in the matter, trying not to wince when his voice came out small and breathy when he finally spoke.

“I...I went into Logan’s room,” he admitted, waiting for yelling that never came. “While he was with Thomas. I-I was looking for something to read but-but I was going to give it back, I promise, I wasn’t stealing I was just too anxious to ask, so I--”

“Wait,” Roman interjected, curiosity turning to something close to amusement. “That’s all you did? I steal from Logan all the time!”

Logan blinked. “You what?”

“Kiddos,” Patton chided, unable to help the small smile on his lips. “Now we usually don’t go into people’s rooms without asking but I’m sure Logan understood. What’s this all about?”

Virgil suddenly had absolutely no idea how to respond, this entire conversation now taking a much different turn than he’d expected.

What the hell was happening? Was this...part of it? It sure felt like he was being punished, but Patton’s smile was as genuine as ever.

Logan leaned forward, furrowing his brow.

“Virgil can you tell us what you believe is going to happen to you? What you thought was happening when I found you?”

Virgil, far too lost to do anything but comply blindly, couldn’t understand why Patton and Roman suddenly looked so confused.

“I was...I was going to be punished, right?” He didn’t understand the purpose of making him explain something everyone already knew. “I mean, Logan said he wasn’t mad so I guess I’m getting another chance but any other time I would’ve--”

“Wait a minute, what?” It was Roman’s turn to sound baffled, all his attention now focused solely on Virgil. “Punished? What do you mean, like- like grounding you? You aren’t a child, Virge.”

“I do not think that’s what he meant.”

“But he...Logan, he--”

“Virgil believed,” Logan cut him off, sounding more hesitant than Virgil had ever heard him. “That some type of...physical punishment was inevitable. At least, that is what I gathered.”

“You think we’re going to hit you?” Patton’s voice, verging on frantic, easily overpowered the others. “Over this? Over anything?”

Virgil flinched back against the couch, desperately trying to figure out what he’d done wrong, how he’d managed to make this so much worse than it was just five minutes ago.

“I don’t...I'm sorry?”

“We’re not going to punish you, kiddo,” he said, the word ‘punish’ almost spat out like something sour. “We’d never do that to you! Never.”

And oh, that was Patton, trying so hard to be kind, even when he was so visibly furious. Looking out for all of them to the end. Careful not to let Virgil’s emotions affect Thomas.

“You guys don’t have to keep doing this.”

Patton blinked, trying and failing to get Virgil to meet his eyes. “Keep doing what, kiddo?”

“I’m not gonna duck out again,” he said, the smile he offered meant to be reassuring but he was certain it was wobbly and frail. “I-I like it here. With you guys. You don’t need to keep...cutting me all this slack. I know I keep messing up and I know if this is going to...work I have to be--”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

Roman’s language wasn’t even corrected, Patton hardly acknowledging the outburst at all, but the moral side looked somehow just as furious.

And there it was, genuine fear and panic returning with a vengeance, the sudden knowledge that he’d probably done irreversible damage in an effort to reassure them.

“Kiddo you...what is it that you think you’ve done wrong? You’re not...oh my god, you’re not talking about the little things, are you? Spills or- or misplacing something or...or…”

“I- yeah?” Because what else would he be talking about? “I’ve been...I’ve been trying to be good, so I-I don’t think I’ve done anything else to--”

“Is that how you think we handle things?” Roman was rigid beside him, his fury overwhelming, and Virgil hoped one of them would hurry up and just knock him unconscious. “So, what? If Logan drops something am I just supposed to hit him?”

“Roman,” Logan said, sounding oddly choked. “Please.”

And oh. Oh. The realization hit like a punch to the gut, and Virgil realized all at once why they were so upset with him. He hadn’t done anything wrong, it was just a stupid misunderstanding.

Oh, god.

“No!” He insisted, voice a little stronger in his desperation for them to understand their mistake. “No, of course not! That’s not...guys, that's not what I meant.”

The tension in the room dropped a bit, Prince relaxing just slightly, but three pairs of eyes were still watching, painfully concerned.

“Sorry, I’m so sorry I didn’t realize you thought that,” Virgil continued, a little lightheaded. “Not you guys, never you guys. Obviously not, you all wouldn’t...you shouldn’t be punished like that. Ever. I promise I was just talking about me.”

He expected relief, understanding, and hopefully to just get this whole thing over with so they could hurry up and go back to normal.

But apparently he’d only managed to make everyone even more distressed. Logan and Roman’s eyes had gone wide and Patton...Patton had tears streaming down his face.

“Why would you think that?” It was quiet, barely a whisper, but Virgil had never heard Patton sound so furious, so cold and lifeless.

“I...I don’t know why you’re--”

“Virgil why would you think that?” Patton was standing now, taking a step away from the couch with a hand moving to cover his mouth. Logan reached for his shoulder, only to be quickly shrugged off.

“Patton, please attempt to calm down.”

“But he...he said...why, Virge? Why just you?”

Virgil blinked, fighting to swallow past the lump in his throat, still hopelessly lost to what he’d managed to do wrong. Did they...not know? Even Logan? Wasn’t it just...common sense?

“It’s...because it’s me?” he offered weakly. “I-I’m anxiety. I tend to- to mess things up, guys. I have to be, you know, dealt with differently so it doesn't affect Thomas as much, right?”

He was met only with deafening silence, before Logan cleared his throat, looking for once like he wasn’t entirely sure what he should be saying.

“That hardly seems logical,” he said, no malice behind it. “How would punishing you more severely do anything but succeed in making your mental state worse?”

“I...I don’t know. But it works. It makes me more...cautious. You guys haven’t really had to deal with me and my fuck ups before but now that I’m here you’ll have to...I just uh, figured you knew this, I guess. I thought everyone did.”

“No,” Roman said, hardly audible at all. “We didn’t.”

Oh. Well...at least it was out now. Virgil may not like it, but he knew getting hurt sometimes was necessary. If it made their lives better, it was worth it in the long run.

But still…

The thought that if he’d only known, realized sooner that their willingness to let things go and love him unconditionally really was genuine, he could have maybe lived without the fear of punishment for the first time in so long.

So much for that. All he’d done now was manage to make them angry, and he honestly wasn’t even sure what he’d done to make them all so upset.

“Who told you that?” Roman asked, Virgil wincing despite himself. “Was it...if it was my brother--”

“It wasn’t,” Virgil said, not really sure if that was the answer Roman wanted, but it was the truth. Remus and Janus had never been the ones to use any sort of physical violence on him, though Virgil never had any doubt that they could. “It was the others. I...they told me...I really thought you guys knew.”

Now, looking at it from a suddenly concerning perspective, he wasn’t even sure Remus or Janus had known.

“Sorry,” Virgil said to the silence, not even sure why anymore. “It wasn’t always that bad. That’s why I asked Logan, I wasn’t sure how you guys...uh, planned on doing it but apparently you didn’t even know you had to so we can--”

And suddenly Patton was gone, stalking through the kitchen doorway, practically leaving behind a visible trail of utter fury as he went, and Logan was following with one last worried glance over his shoulder.

Oh god, they were both mad. He’d managed to upset everyone, ruin everything in one conversation, and he couldn’t even apologize properly because he still didn’t know what he’d done wrong.

He’d just been trying to tell them it was ok, that there was no other way to deal with him, that it really wasn’t that big of a deal. He hated it, sure. It terrified him. He wanted so badly for it to stop but it couldn’t, it…

It couldn’t. Could it?

He felt Roman shift on the couch, probably to hurry and follow the others into the kitchen to get away from the mess on the couch they’d accidentally welcomed into their family.

Before he could stop himself Virgil was reaching forward, grabbing Roman’s sleeve with a weak, trembling hand.

“Please.” And there was absolutely no point in trying to hide the unsteady wobble of his voice. “Will you...I-I just don’t know what I did wrong.”

“Oh, Virgil.”

When Prince moved, there was a split second of blind panic where Virgil thought he was being attacked. But it faded as soon as he registered strong arms around him, pulling him against Roman’s chest, and Virgil immediately burst into tears.

Roman was shushing him gently, holding him tight but somehow not uncomfortably confining, running his fingers through Virgil’s hair as he muttered quiet reassurances.

Virgil could only sob into his chest, overtaken by hiccuping gasps that left him dizzy and weak and unable to stop.

And yet he was distantly aware that through his tears he hadn’t stopped his string of endless apologies, the desperate words falling without his permission.

“You’re alright, darling,” Roman said, impossibly soft. “You’re alright. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I-I ma-made him mad,” he insisted, breath catching on nearly every word as he tried in vain to calm down enough to speak properly. “Patton, I-I...h-he was mad, he’s upset and he’s...he’ll--”

“Patton isn’t angry,” Roman said. “He’s just a little upset. But not at you! You haven’t done anything.”

“But I…” he paused, aware enough to consider the words before he said them, how utterly unfair and selfish they were. But maybe…

“I don’t want you guys to hurt me.”

“We would never,” Roman said, holding tighter without hesitation. “I know you won’t believe this right away, and you’ll need to hear it from the others too, but just listen to me for now, ok?”

Roman pulled back, but only slightly. Virgil could still feel the Prince's heart beneath his own shaking fingers, and the creative side carefully cupped Virgil’s face in his hands.

“Nobody will ever hurt you again, Virgil. Nobody. I know we’ve only recently become friends, but I swear to you, for the rest of your life, you never have to be afraid of that again. Not from me, not from the others. Not from anyone.”

Virgil struggled to breathe, chest aching, lungs screaming for air, but the tears wouldn’t stop flowing. “But they...you have to th-they said--”

“They were lying,” Princey said, with so much venom Virgil had to forcibly remind himself that Roman wasn’t angry with him. “You heard Logan, it doesn’t make sense. No one should...you didn’t deserve that, Virge.”

But...but he’d...all this time he’d just…

“Patton will you please--”

“No, Logan! I can’t I- did you hear him?”

Patton and Logan were still in the next room over, and Virgil could now just make out the two of them standing at the threshold. He forced himself not to whimper at the obvious anger that came from both of them, but didn’t stop himself from clutching at Roman tighter, beyond grateful when Princey did the same.

“I did,” Logan said. “I was standing right there. But Patton--”

“How could they…god, how could they just--?”

“Patton.” Logan hadn’t yelled, not exactly, but it was loud and stern enough to quiet the other’s rant. “I know. I understand that you’re upset- we all are. But right now Virgil thinks you’re upset with him.”

Virgil’s breath hitched in the sudden silence that followed, doing his best to focus instead on Roman’s breathing, feeling the Prince move to rub along Virgil’s back, still hushing and whispering quiet reassurances.

He cringed when he heard a tiny gasp followed quickly by two pairs of footsteps making their way towards the couch, and he wondered just how far Roman would have to go to keep his promise.

“Oh, baby I’m so sorry.” That was Patton’s voice right above him, soft and sad and...and no longer quite so angry. “Honey...can you look at me please?”

Virgil tensed, reluctantly moving his head away from Roman’s chest, face burning as he let the others see his tear stained face, heart clenching when he realized Patton wasn’t much better off.

“Sorry,” Virgil whispered, guided more on frantic instinct than anything else. “Sorry, sorry, I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for.” Patton reached forward, slow and nonthreatening, lacing his fingers with Virgil’s. “I’m sorry. I’m not angry with you, kiddo. Nobody’s gonna hurt you. We would never do that.”

And god, Virgil wanted so badly to believe that, to hold onto every word, every sympathetic gaze, everything that was so clearly real love rather than pity and never let it go.

He wanted to feel safe with them. He wanted it more than anything.

But...but they had all been angry. He’d seen it just moments ago, heard the unmistakable fury in their voices.

And maybe he’d spoken aloud without realizing, or maybe Logan was just exceptionally good at reading him, because suddenly the logical side was crouched beside Patton, carefully meeting Virgil’s watery eyes.

“We were not angry at you,” he said slowly. “We’re only angry at whoever thought it was alright to hurt you. Who made you think you could ever deserve it.”

“But I…” he didn’t know why he was arguing, why he was frantically searching for reasons to destroy something he wanted to desperately. He settled for the only reason he’d ever really been given. “I’m anxiety.”

“You do represent Thomas’s fears, yes,” Logan said. “As well as many other fundamental functions.”

“That doesn’t make you bad, kiddo,” Patton chimed in. “We love you. All of you. We’re all gonna mess up sometimes, and that’s ok. Mistakes are part of being human.”

“Well technically we are not human,” Logan pointed out, earning an exasperated sigh from Roman. “But Patton’s point still stands. Each and every one of us will make mistakes. That is, of course, why we have each other. Not to punish, but to assist each other.”

And that...wow, that sounded good. Impossibly good. God, how did he manage to surround himself with the kindest people in the universe?

“But what if I…” he swallowed, trying to figure out how to phrase his worries. “If I do something wrong, like...like really bad--”

“Then we will discuss it as a group,” Logan said. “And work together to determine what happened and how to fix it without any lasting negative effects. Not just for Thomas, but for all of us.”

“Indeed!” Roman agreed with his usual flair, reaching around to lightly squeeze Patton and Virgil’s intertwined fingers. “And if any of the others attempt to bring you harm again, they’ll have to get through me first!”

“All of us,” Patton said, wiping his eyes with his free hand and flashing Princey a grateful smile. “We won’t let that happen to you again.”

Virgil shrugged, overwhelmed, aware the gesture did nothing to mask the emotion in his eyes. “It’s...it’s really ok, you guys. They aren’t like you, they were just...doing what they thought they had to.”

Logan frowned, averting his gaze. “Unlikely.”

“That doesn’t make it ok,” Patton said before Virgil could question exactly what that meant. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know. “And we can see it left you really afraid, kiddo.”

“I-I guess. Yeah.”

“Sometimes talking about traumatic experiences can be the first step to moving past them,” Logan said. “And we will, of course, be willing to listen and help however we can.”

Virgil... didn’t really want to talk about. He still wasn't quite able to wrap his head around the fact that it wasn’t a necessity, never actually had been, a part of him still wholly convinced this was some kind of cruel, awful trick.

But...but Logan was looking at him with such gentle earnestness, Roman and Patton both nodding and smiling in gentle encouragement, those doubts were quickly being pushed to the side. At least for now.

They all looked so eager to help, Virgil couldn’t bring himself to shut them down the way his panicked brain, so used to isolation, was screaming at him to do.

And besides, maybe it could help. Maybe talking would help him come to terms with...whatever it really was that had happened.

But not right now. He wasn't sure he could handle anything else.

“Maybe,” he said after a moment. “Just, uh...not now. I don’t...I mean, i-if that’s ok, I don’t think I’m...ready.”

“Of course, sweetie,” Patton said, not sounding disappointed in the slightest, only understanding and patient. “Whenever you’re ready. You can come to us in your own time.”

“Is there...anything we can do for you now?” Roman asked. “Anything to make you feel better?”

“I guess, uh-” he paused, wondering if it was too much, too selfish a thing to ask. “Maybe just...stay here for a bit? All of us? Only if- if you aren’t busy, obviously, it’s ok if you are, I just thought maybe--”

“I think that is an excellent suggestion, Virgil,” Logan said. “Having some company will do you good.”

Patton practically squealed, squeezing Virgil’s hand before hurrying to his feet, blinding smile on his face. “Ooh! We can make some snacks and bring some blankets over! Be right back!”

Virgil was carefully maneuvered (probably a bit overly careful, like he was glass that could shatter at any moment) so he was now comfortably pressed against Logan’s side, Roman hurrying to follow Patton with promises to return in seconds, departing with a kiss to Virgil’s forehead.

Virgil was almost surprised when Logan’s arm moved to wrap around his shoulders, keeping him close, almost as protective and warm as Roman. He’d have thought Logan would be more averse to physical content.

He’d never been so glad to be mistaken, basking in the warmth like it was a sunlit room.

Virgil took a breath, breathing a bit easier now. “I really am sorry. I probably...really freaked you out, huh?”

“No apologies necessary,” Logan said. “I believe it’s safe to say you were much more...err, freaked out, as you would say.”

Virgil smiled, relaxing into his hold, but there was still something heavy sitting in his chest, nagging at him to voice it aloud.

“I feel like an idiot.”

“You shouldn’t.”

“But I do.” He didn’t move, terrified he’d lose his nerve without the warmth at his side. “I...it was stupid. All of this. I actually thought that...I still don’t really think that this can work. Without...doing all that when I screw up. I want to but it’s...I thought there wasn’t any other way.”

“There is no reason for you to be held to a different standard than anyone else,” Logan said, slow and careful. “We plan only on treating you as an equal. As someone we care very much for.”

“I should have known,” he muttered. “You guys are r-really...really great. I shouldn’t have accused you of that.”

There was a beat of silence that stretched on just a moment too long, and any other time Virgil might have taken that as a perfectly reasonable excuse to begin panicking all over again.

But with Logan’s protective hold still firmly around him, the easy warmth in his chest that lingered from everyone’s kind words...he couldn’t find it in him to be particularly worried over Logan taking a moment to think.

“You did not accuse us of anything,” the logical side said, continuing before Virgil could argue. “You reacted to what you assumed to be normal, no one can fault you for that. You’ve been taught to have a very particular mindset. As...upsetting as it is, your reaction was perfectly logical based on the information you had.”

Logan’s arm moved, just for a moment, to reach around and squeeze Virgil’s hand, just like Patton and Roman had done, just another reminder of newfound safety.

“What we need to do now,” Logan said. “Is work on making sure you never feel that way again.”

Virgil nodded against him, finding that, at least for the moment, his want to believe, to be safe and welcomed, was enough to outweigh the storm of doubt in his racing mind.

“Ok,” he said, glancing up just in time to see Logan’s relieved smile, loosening his hold as Roman and Patton hurried back to the living room. “Thank you.”

As the four of them settled down and rearranged themselves, there was an all too familiar burning in Virgil’s eyes, a tight twisting in his chest. But this time, it wasn’t from panic or fear.

This time, if he cried from this feeling, from being content and accepted, it might not be the worst thing in the world.

#sanders sides #fanfiction #thomas sanders #virgil sanders #logan sanders #patton sanders #roman sanders #ts virgil #ts logan #ts patton #ts roman #polysanders #prinxiety #analogical #moxiety #angst #writing

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sparxwrites · 3 years ago

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aftermath: the director’s commentary

you can read aftermath here on tumblr and here on ao3.

as always, this is about the characters and not about the ccs.

cw for discussions of exile arc, and the canonical associated abuse, suicidality etc. also for mental health problems, specifically anhedonia, and a deep dive into abuser mentality, and hypothetical character death.

since i feel compelled to explain how this extremely convoluted and specific fic came about, without me having written any of the backstory required for it (which i may do at some point, but don’t hold your breath), here goes:

it started as a bunch of ramblings at a few people in discord about dream getting tortured in prison, because i enjoy writing about torture, and then it continuing as me rambling about a bunch of other things that were on my mind at the time:

1) that one tumblr post (that i can’t find and so will badly summarise) about how fiction sometimes uses suffering as a form of redemption, and how that interacts with people’s moral intuitions about what’s necessary for redemption. and how “suffering = redemption” doesn’t really make sense because “i did a bad thing” and “i got badly hurt” are unconnected, and the pain doesn’t fix the harm done and the harm done doesn’t make the pain deserved.

2) a lot of @scripttorture’s (a blog about torture, aimed at writers) discussions of how torture is actually extremely ineffective on a number of levels (generally a bad way of coercing people into giving up information; generally bad at making people change their opinions or perspectives on stuff), and mostly just fucks with people’s heads really badly in the short and long-term and makes them angry at/resentful of their torturer.

3) a bunch of discussions (and a number of zines, mainly feminist anarchist ones) about the various failure modes of community/restorative justice. namely its handling of rapists and other people who commit the kinds of crimes that are motivated by desire for power/control, and/or by the knowledge that they can, rather than by need or ignorance; and about what you do if you can’t just kick someone out of the community and make them “someone else’s problem”; and the harms that attempting to rehabilitate someone who isn’t sorry and doesn’t really care about being rehabilitated can do to the community trying to rehabilitate them.

4) how one goes about living in a body that has been made alien to themself, and/or how one deals with an abruptly acquired disability/disfigurement, and/or how one deals with a dissociation between mind and body. this wasn’t triggered by anything specific, this is just kind of a theme i periodically come back to in fiction because it interests me.

all of which are applicable to dream, who bounced from attempting to drive a teenager to suicide for what was apparently shits and giggles/a power trip/whatever weird compulsive obsession he has with “owning” tommy, to being put in inhumane solitary confinment, to beating the same teenager to death with his bare hands, to being brutally tortured on a daily basis. and who, in this universe, is removed from said prison cell because a lot of people on the server have strong moral intuitions re: you shouldn’t do that kind of shit to people even if they are fucking awful human beings.

but then, of course, you have to deal with the person you remove from the cell. the person who is physically and psychologically disabled by the torture he experienced, and therefore needs ongoing medical care for the foreseeable future, and probably social care and support for the rest of his life. and who is also an unrepentant abuser and murderer. and who, due to the specific nature of his acquired disabilities, is also now largely incapable of being a physical or psychological threat in the way he was before. and who has harmed, directly or indirectly, most of the people in the only community available to him so badly that the majority of the community can’t bring themselves to be around him.

like. how do you begin to reckon with that? as individuals; as a community; on an intellectual, emotional, moral/ethical, social level… how the fuck do you deal with that?

what does community justice look like for murderers and abusers? when is someone's punishment "over"? is it possible for someone to "suffer enough" that their sins are considered forgiven and/or small enough in comparison to what they've suffered that their sins can be overlooked? what do you do with someone who clearly would still be doing Bad Shit if they could but is just now physically incapable of it?

i have zero answers for these questions, really, but this fic is an extremely half-assed attempt at beginning to explore that.

and then there’s also dream’s side of things, where you’ve got a) the perspective of someone with an utterly alien mindset/moral system (i repeat! this guy psychologically destroyed a seventeen year old for fun! not even fun and profit, really just fun.), b) this awful twisty “regret but not remorse” thing, where he regrets that his plans didn’t work out, but feels pretty close to zero remorse for all the fucked up stuff he did, and c) the kind of self-reckoning that one has to do after prolonged torture and isolation that has caused severe, long-term, and permanent consequences.

i think… fundamentally, as a character, dream is very lonely, and very fucked up, and very… i don't think he even understands what motivates him to do the things he does. i think he does a lot of lying to himself, and i’m not convinced all of it is unconscious/accidental.

my impression is very much that he's driven by… not a compulsion exactly? but something adjacent. he doesn’t always seem in control of himself, certainly not in terms of when his temper breaks through of the rigid self-control and disinterest that he tries to project all the time. which i think is a huge motivator in needing to control everyone else! this need to reassert this lack of control he perceives towards his own behaviour (as in “god, it’s hard work making sure i behave ‘correctly’ the whole time”, even if his idea of what counts as correct behaviour is fucked).

there's a kind of desperation to him constantly, even when he's doing his Big Bad Villain mode, and this kind of blankness, this complete lack of joy or amusement or anything, even when he's gotten exactly what he wants. he sounds so vaguely, manically gleeful when he's doing his Big Bad Villain speeches, but when he actually gets what he wants - tommy under his thumb, the discs, whatever - he seems so disinterested in it. doesn't give him any pleasure. like, sure, he still does whatever it is he’s planned to do – but it's this weird, going-through-the-motions, "this didn't make me feel good like i thought it would so clearly i’ve got to escalate" kind of mania-and-anhedonia-and-self-delusion edge to it

i don’t think prison is, per se, helping him with any of that. i think prison is probably substantially making it worse. i think him realising that god has his face is also probably making it substantially worse.

and i think, crucially – despite all of this – there is still no excuse for what he’s done. yes, i think he’s fucked up and a bit tragic, in the “pathetic” sense of the word. but he leaned in! he leaned into that desperation, that compulsion, and used it to justify an escalation of his pre-existing bad habits (i.e. being controlling/possessive). and he leaned into the way his emotions are fucked to justify switching them off even further. and the logical conclusions of “i need everything under my control” and “i don’t really feel things any more, including empathy” is “all of these people are my possessions, and i’m entitled to do with them as i want”.

is there a bit of him beneath all that, a bit still capable of emotions, that misses his friends? that knows what he did might not be okay? that wishes he weren’t fucking driven by this compulsion in the centre of his chest? yes. yeah, i think there is. is he doing literally anything about any of that? no. because he’s too caught up in his own bullshit and his own justifications to want to do anything about it. and that’s the really big, fundamental issue here – not that people who do the stuff he’s done are incapable of changing, but that he doesn’t want to.

anyway. all that to say– i usually like “and then they Healed” as the ending to the stuff i write, but i do upon occasion also like kind of Weird stuff where sometimes where it's not… it's not not healing, it’s not a traditional tragedy, but it's not really healing either, because there's no going back to what you were before and probably that's not even a good idea, but also you can't just change. you can't just fundamentally undo a huge part of who you are (that clawing desperate need for control, the ease with which treating people like objects come to you) and you're not sure you want to, even if you could, and a part of you wants to stay the same just to spite the people who tried to change you– but you have changed, and now you're just this person, inside this body that's been made alien to you, this single person in a house reduced to rubble that's full of fucking ghosts. and that's just something you've got to live with.

#dream smp #dsmp tag #dsmp #director's commentary #man i have a lot of thoughts about stuff all the time huh #what is it abt mcyt stuff that makes me want to wax poetic abt my reasoning for writing stuff #genuinely mysterious #meta #director's cut

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werevulvi · 3 years ago

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You know how often I ask myself, why can't I just be normal? It's quite a lot. I wanna talk about something I've never told anyone before, aside from a few strangers online. I've suppressed this my whole life, since childhood. I've acted with anger towards others with the same thing as me, told them how it's offensive and awful. Refused to allow myself to even think about my own urges and desires. It worked for a long time, until I wrote my book this summer, a fiction story about a couple who end up disabled from their dangerous work as assassins. My intentions were just... to try to give good representation and explore something I knew very little about.

So I did a lot of research into my characters' disabilities, and even briefly pretended to have those specific disabilities at home alone, just to get an idea of what it's like to manage daily life with them. It was just a writer's thing, just being a dedicated writer, I told myself, as I researched those disabilities far more in-depth than I did about assassins...

At one point, I would cover my eye with a makeshift eye patch, as one of my main character's loses an eye, and I... it brought forth what I had suppressed my whole life, and I can't suppress it anymore as a result of that. The bottled feelings have escaped and I can't put them back in again.

I think I have Body Integrity Identity Disorder (BIID.) There, I said it.

It's a very rare mental illness that makes you want to become disabled, usually in some very specific way. Most are males, and most desire amputation, but it can pertain to wanting blindness, deafness, or I guess, any conceivable disability. There's only been a few thousand reported cases, but it's also said to be a very secret disorder, so numbers are probably not accurate. It's very poorly researched, poorly understood, and still not recognized as an actual disorder. So you can't be diagnosed with it currently, and there are no set criteria for it. However, it will be in the upcoming ICD-11 (the International Classification of Diseases.) It will then also be re-named to Body Integrity Dysphoria (BID) as it's being recognized as a form of dysphoria, and as a neurological condition.

And now for the obligatory life story:

I don't remember when it started, but as a child, I'd say roughly age 5 or 7, I was obsessed with fictional characters that had a distinct scar over one eye, and either blind in that eye or entirely missing it. I would on occasion play around with a hand covering one eye, and wished I could have that for real. For a long time, I didn't know why I was so obsessed with that. If I was just admiring that kinda physical feature, or wanted it myself, or both. Throughout my teens and adulthood thus far, I've made a lot of drawings of people with only one eye, and scarred faces. I wrote another book back in 2013 with one of the main characters being a woman with a large scar across half her face. I've always been a little too fascinated with facial deformities, having only one eye, and facial assymmetry. And I've tried to express it with assymmetrical makeup looks (not made to look like I'm injured) throughout my teens and 20's.

So it's been with me for a very long time, even though I've tried super hard to suppress it, and tried to tell myself that I should just be happy to have a mostly abled body. But that wish/urge/whatever it is, has never gone away.

When I first heard of BIID, back in 2016 or so, I was angry, and thought of people with it as despicable. I was in deep denial of how much I could relate to them. Didn't want to think of that. But since learning more about the condition, and listening to others who have it, and learning it is actually a real condition... I guess that has helped me eventually come to this point that, well fuck... it me.

Up until recently, I thought it was just a self-harm desire, as I used to be a cutter, but now I understand that the self-harm was not the intention behind what I want with that, but merely the means to achieve it. Kinda like how I wanted to cut my own tits off before I had my double mastectomy. It wasn't about specifically wanting to injure my chest, but to not have tits anymore, and I much preferred the much safer way of doing it, through proper surgery. However, wanting half my face re-arranged is a little bit harder to achieve through elective surgery, even if surgeons were allowed to treat BIID through surgery. So I do not think my desire to get rid of my left eye and surrounding tissues is about wanting to harm myself. It's about wanting to have and live with the result of such an injury. Although I get that might be very unimaginable.

So then, have I ever made any attempts?

Yeah... I have. Once, I think it was when I was 22, I took a blade to my face, but chickened out, and ended up only making a very superficial cut on my cheek, which I was then extremely ashamed of. I didn't want for people to find out I had made it myself. Since then, I've stopped self-harming and have no desire to make a second attempt. I'm scared I'd fuck it up and cause damage I don't want, or... not enough damage. And I'm worried I'd be beyond myself with shame if I would take out my own eye and then other people would show sympathy for my injury, knowing I'd have caused it myself. I just kinda wish it would happen accidentally somehow.

So, to clarify, my BIID targets my left eye and left side of my face. Why left? Honestly because I'm deaf since birth on my left ear, so it would be extremely inconvenient to be deaf on one side and blind on the other. Much more manageable to have one side be blind-deaf and the other fully seeing and hearing. But at first it didn't matter to me so much which side of my face would be affected. I have no desire to become an amputee or fully blind. I also don't have a fetish for disabled people.

Would I date a disabled person?

Yes, but that's because some attractive people just so happen to be disabled, and I wouldn't think I'm particularly judgemental, not that I find their disabilities in and of themselves attractive.

I try to quell this desire, to lose an eye and half my face, by on occasion wearing an eye patch in secrecy. I know it can worsen my vision, but why on Earth would I mind that? It's kinda what I want. But my mom almost caught me wearing it today as she came by for a quick visit, and I have worn it at the grocery store, and out and about in my village. It feels so damn right, yet so fucking wrong...

Let's tackle this question as well: Do I feel like an ass towards disabled people?

Yes and no. Thing is, I'm already disabled myself. I'm not an abled person to begin with. I live on permanent sickness compensation, classified unable to work, for life, with little to no chance at improvement, due to my autism and adhd. I have the energy levels of an old cellphone that drops to 2% battery ten minutes after being fully charged every time. And I hate it. I hate that there's so much in life that I'll probably never be able to do. So disability, is already part of my life, and always has been. So why then would I want to become more disabled, instead of less? Well, yeah that is what I want...

I've faced a shit ton of ableism since childhood, and I actually think that's why I got BIID. Because my actual disability is invisible and not taken seriously in society. And I think that's what I deep down want: to just have my disability be visible and taken seriously. Physical disabilities are taken more seriously. I've even heard that straight from the mouths of people who have both mental and physical disabilities. How often have I not been called lazy for something I've been literally unable to do, just because I "look" capable? How often do I get to hear I "don't seem autistic?" How often do I get told that autism is not even a disability, but merely a personality trait and being socially awkward? How often do I get told I would be able to work if I just tried harder? All. The. Fucking. Time.

I think that's why, ever since I was a child, I've wanted to have a physical disability, which is fully visible, and cannot be ignored. And what's more visible than the face? We interact with it the most. Because I don't really want to be less capable or lose a lot of movement, I just want for my already disabled existence to be visibly disabled.

So that's a big reason for why I think I have BIID. Which is to say, I don't feel like I'm being an ass towards disabled people, because I'm already disabled to begin with, merely wishing I was more disabled and in a more visible way. Had I been abled to begin with, I think that would have been different, but even abled people with BIID don't choose to have this condition. I read a quote from a person with BIID, who got the amputation he wanted, and he said basically that he didn't know what's worse, having BIID or being disabled. I can relate to that. And I think that is the irony here, that simply having BIID is like being disabled in and of itself already.

That said, however, I do understand why disabled people would be greatly offended, angry, or otherwise insulted, by people with BIID. Honestly I cannot understand why they would not be. I'm greatly offended by people who say they wish they were autistic! And I'm offended at myself for wishing I had a facial deformity and only one eye. Why do I want this!? I keep trying to shake sense into myself. It's what's causing my shame and wishing I could just be normal. No disabilities, and no wish for disabilities I don't have. That'd be great.

There is one more aspect I also feel the need to tackle: Transabled.

BIID has recently been rather often labeled as "transabled" in the same vein as "transracial" (wanting to be another race) and transgender. As a transsexual, this comparison is of course something that I have not missed. I'm painfully aware. This is how I see it, alright: Although I do feel like my body integrity dysphoria is incredibly similar to my sex dysphoria, I feel like it would be extremely rude and tone deaf to identify as for example vision impaired, deaf or an amputee, without actually having those disabilities. And I do not know if anyone actually does this. As far as I've seen, some people with BIID may pretend to have the disability they want (like with me walking around with an eye patch despite having no medical need for it) but they don't lie about it, or they try hard to avoid ending up in a situation where they'd feel pressured to lie. So I dunno how much validity there even is in anyone with BIID genuinely identifying as transabled. But regardless of that, I think it's absolutely abhorrent to identify as disabled in ways you are not. And I'd never tell anyone that I'm missing an eye when I do not.

So, I really do not like the term "transabled" and much prefer the BIID and BID terms. I do not like BIID being conflated with being transgender, although I want to very carefully say that the two conditions are so incredibly similar, that... I think that's another big reason I ended up with both. That I've always felt a strong disconnect from my body, which has merely expressed itself in a wide array of ways, ranging from sex dysphoria to body integrity dysphoria, dissociation and even having previously identified as otherkin. I don't think that's a coincidence at all. But then what caused all of that? I don't think there is a simple answer, but a multitude of reasons, and it may even connect with my autism as well as my trauma.

So, I'd say most likely it's caused by a cocktail of neurological and social issues. I was just clearly meant to be a broken person, making the most of my life with the sucky cards I was dealt, and on good days... I guess I'm kinda okay with that. At least it's not boring. Let's end on that not super tragic note. Feel free to ask me anything, if you’ve got any questions.

#biid #body integrity dysphoria #body integrity identity disorder #finally accepting i probably have this #im not happy about it but it is what it is i guess #ok to rb #transabled #im only adding that tag bcos i know many dont know what the condition is actually called

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bookofmirth · 4 years ago

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So I initially deleted this because I didn’t want to get into it, but I also think the question is genuine and I wanted to explain my thinking. CW for emotional and physical abuse and sexual assault.

I am tagging @silverlinedeyes because this ask concerns them and I don’t appreciate being vagued, whether it’s a blogger or someone answering an ask that mentions me. I try not to vague other people and I’m not perfect but... just getting this all out in the open.

So I can’t speak for everyone who was upset at the initial post comparing Ianthe and Gwyn. Personally, I kind-of grimaced and was mostly confused about what in the world they could possibly have in common and why such a comparison would be necessary. As people, they are fundamentally different. And to me, the comparison is incredibly thin. Eye color and priestesses? How many priestesses have that eye color? And to use that to connect them to a creature we’ve only read about in two sentences in the whole series, a creature we’ve never actually seen on page and know next to nothing about? Basically, the intention or purpose behind the comparison didn’t make sense to me.

Now I’ll be perfectly transparent - I didn’t read the whole post because I could tell that it wasn’t for me. I also didn’t go around vaguing it. It was mentioned in some asks that I got and I tried to limit my commentary on that post and focus on the comparisons I had made, intentionally. Because 1) I can’t speak from the position of a SA survivor, and those are the people that post concerned, and 2) I didn’t fully read it, and 3) I don’t want to vague people! This fandom is divided enough. I know I made a joke after acosf came out how we are all having separate, loud conversations in the same room and refusing to acknowledge the other conversations while somehow responding to one another. And it was kinda funny at first, but now it’s exhausting.

To me, comparing Ianthe, who is universally reviled as a r*pist, and Gwyn, who we know is a SA survivor, is unnecessary. That’s pretty much what it comes down to. Why do we need to do this? What is it telling us about any of the characters? About relationships? I know a lot of people found it anything from distasteful to downright offensive, and while I think that just about anything is fair game when it comes to fictional characters, I also personally think that the intention behind the comparison was confusing. I just personally don’t understand why we would need to talk about those characters in the same breath. What purpose does it serve? Someone who can speak from the position of a SA can please feel free to add on, if comfortable!

The reason that I compare Az and Tamlin is to analyze them as people, as characters, because I see a lot of similarities in who they are on a (currently) fundamental level - their anger, their loneliness, their attempts to restrain their destructive impulses. These are major parts of who they are as people and how they interact with the world. There were red flags present in acotar that I recognized from my personal life and that I can now see in Azriel. Frankly, it concerns me that people see Tamlin as a completely irredeemable villain, while not recognizing that Azriel shares some of the same personality traits.

Comparing a r*apist and a SA survivor is an unequal comparison. Emotional and physical abuse, on the other hand, tends to be generational. I’m not an expert on a professional or academic level, but I did a quick search on my university’s database, and found this from “Interrupting the Intergenerational Transmission of Violence”, and please note that these lines were the context or background - this article didn’t set out to prove these statements to be true, they are already commonly accepted knowledge and so their research was looking to solve the problem:

Children exposed to domestic violence are at increased risk for a wide range of emotional and behavioural disorders. Conduct disorder, in particular, may ultimately lead to the perpetration of further domestic violence in the next generation. Parental characteristics such as warmth and positive attributions may mitigate the risk for intergenerational transmission of violence.

I think that as a fandom, people really, really tend to mischaracterize Azriel. It bothers me. He’s not soft. I’m sorry, he’s just not. We have multiple examples of him being described, using words like “rage”, “cruel”, “temper”. One of the first posts I ever made in this fandom that got a lot of attention (over four years ago) was trying to correct these mischaracterizations. They keep happening.

There was an icy rage in Azriel I had never been able to thaw. In the centuries I’d known him, he’d said little about his life, those years in his father’s keep, locked in darkness. (ACOMAF)

One moment, Azriel was seated. The next, he’d blasted through Eris’s shield with a flare of blue light and tackled him backward, wood shattering beneath them. “Shit,” Cassian spat, and was instantly there— And met a wall of blue. Azriel had sealed them in, and as his scarred hands wrapped around Eris’s throat, Rhys said, “Enough.” (ACOWAR)

Az didn’t answer. I held his gaze, though. Held that ice-cold stare that still sometimes scared the shit out of me. (ACOFAS)

Az had a vicious competitive streak... quiet and cruel and utterly lethal. (ACOSF)

Azriel stiffened, an outright sign of temper (ACOSF)

These are just a few of the examples, but we can also think about acofas when he gets angry at dinner thinking about how his mother was treated as a servant, when he can’t handle being around people who are happy on Solstice. I could make a whole post but I’m kinda sick of talking about Azriel at this point.

I have experienced an emotionally abusive relationship much like feylin was. I made myself so small, for years, because this person’s anger and anxiety and grief took up so much space in the world. I felt like I had to overcompensate, to not make them feel jealous if I was having a good day, and to not take on my negative feelings if I had a bad day. So I just stopped feeling things. For years. It didn’t go well. I’m still dealing with the aftermath.

I have also witnessed physical domestic violence, as a child. I don’t think I need to explain further than that.

My fanfiction A Loveless Romantic deals heavily with the feylin abuse, and I only feel comfortable writing it because of my personal experiences. I’ve written posts about Nesta and alcohol and another post that I can’t currently find about why acotar is such a good book because it shows us all of those red flags for abuse before many people knew they were red flags. (If I can find it I’ll reblog.) My point is, when I go into analyses and metas like these, they aren’t just an exercise in “oh hey what if?!” It’s “here is my experience with this topic and so here’s how I read this with that background.”

The comparison between Azriel and Tamlin is deeply personal to me, and I didn’t exactly expect to have to disclose my personal history when making it, but when I see people vaguing about how the comparison “hurts people who have experienced abuse”, hi, OP knows exactly what she’s talking about on a personal level, thanks. So I’m going to keep talking about it, because I know what I’m talking about, and it bothers me that people can’t see it in fiction because I worry that they then won’t be able to see it IRL until it’s too late. I’m going to keep writing my “thinkpieces” because this is a topic I know a lot about, it’s important to me, and it’s something that I think a lot of people can and should learn more about.

#acotar #azriel #tamlin #cw abuse #acosf #ask #anon #i really need a moratorium on az #he no longer exists to me #nor tamlin #mor cassian nesta elain and lucien are the only characters to me

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itsnotanaccessory · 3 years ago

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Hi! We just have a few questions. We’re a professionally diagnosed DID system and are in treatment, along with other comorbid disorders verified by multiple doctors.

We’ve read through your blog and agree with most points, however there are a few that genuinely seem to come off as ableist and with the way they’re worded, seem to discredit those who have a different experience from yours just based on that.

One being diagnosis- having an official diagnosis added to record can be very difficult to get especially in terms of requiring it for disability forms (from personal experience; we did it), however it’s very possible (and not bad) to be treated for DID/OSDD because you meet the criteria very well, without having that on-paper diagnosis. Even with on paper diagnosis, it’s extremely difficult to receive a proper diagnosis other than ‘unspecified dissociative disorder’ due to the current stigma against DID/OSDD. Getting the physical diagnosis is especially more difficult in more rural areas, even if all professionals are agreeing it’s something that the individual deals with.

Second would be regarding alters and introjects. While initial splits cause directly from trauma, many systems (especially polyfragmented ones) split due to ‘smaller’ things after the ‘significant’ trauma caused in early childhood. This has been recognized by professionals as being just as valid, so we’re curious as to why denying those who have introjects from more recent media is considered to be alright in your mind while this is something that’s understood and supported by professionals. (obviously certain behaviors by systems can’t be supported or endorsed when regarding introjects of real people, but we genuinely haven’t seen people take it to an inappropriate level)

An answer would be very much appreciated, as we do understand most of the blog and relate to a lot of the issues brought up. Much love! - Riley 🖍 of the rose sys

Hi! We just have a few questions.

I’ve gone through your entire message multiple times and have found absolutely no questions.

We’re a professionally diagnosed DID system and are in treatment, along with other comorbid disorders verified by multiple doctors.

Side note: I find it genuinely funny how many people come into my inbox claiming to be professionally diagnosed. There are a lot of people in the notes of my posts with xyzsystem usernames. I see you.

We’ve read through your blog and agree with most points, however there are a few that genuinely seem to come off as ableist

Where?

No, seriously. You can’t just throw this at me without at least quoting something I’ve said.

Do you know what’s ableist?

6,600 views – “I have my desired alters”, “I can switch on command”, “I have my desired trauma”

1,600 views – “Have DID!”, “Switch as often as you’d like!”, “Have desired alters!”

The de facto existence of DID subliminals means that DID is being seen as a trend, and is being seen as desirable to have.

People are associating with DID with roleplaying and escapism, no repercussions (since it’s a mental illness, you can just cry ‘ableism’), and a one-way ticket to increased engagement and clout on social media.

It is a free invitation into a community that they see as being desirable to be part of. By claiming you have DID, you can just enter the community and start making friends right off the bat without having to put in any effort.

There are no common interests, just a common ‘illness’.

This leads to a disincentivising effect where if you claim you no longer have the illness, you will then lose all your friends and your social media platform that you based your entire identity off of.

---

and with the way they’re worded, seem to discredit those who have a different experience from yours just based on that.

I’m having a damn hard time dealing with this, because you’re giving absolutely no examples of what you’ve got an issue with, leading me to guess what you’re talking about.

You’re welcome to come back and quote me or link to posts you have issues with, but for now I can’t address your problems because I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Is it about the 2021 paper studying misdiagnosis in DID? Is it about how I’m tired of TikTok? Is it the paper I referenced about how most true DID patients don’t change their wardrobe when they switch? Is it the flippant posts I made in my early blog days about how every single alter is a Minecraft YouTuber?

Re: Self-diagnosis I refer you to my post here: https://itsnotanaccessory.tumblr.com/post/658670356209549312/before-i-get-totally-lambasted-but-i-will-anyway

About how self-diagnosis is not a valid tool, and I have no issues with symptomatic treatment.

I’ve already addressed this. I’m not doing it again.

Cite your sources – what ‘professionals’?

(On a research point, I would like to also note – just because one professional has reported something, does not mean it is a statistically significant trend, or it’s ‘valid’)

An ‘introject’ refers to internalising the views and thoughts of others, and yes, they are created during traumatic events.

‘Fictives’ is a term used by the community, but has not been used in any scientific literature that I can find. While, yes, alters based off of fictional characters can and do exist, the most documented instances of them are in cases of severe histories of abuse, cult ritual abuse, and purposeful traumatisation to create specific alters – MK-Ultra, war survivors, etc.

Given what we have previously documented, it is deeply concerning so many of these young individuals of privilege, with access to iPhones, BNHA cosplays and wigs straight off AliExpress, and all the makeup they need, are forming countless fictional alters based off of currently trending media that coincidentally will get them more interaction on social media by presenting as these popular characters.

I am being flippant because I’m genuinely angry about this issue. If you begin arguing with me that people can be traumatised and still have iPhones I’m going to ignore you.

Furthermore, re: “we genuinely haven’t seen people take it to an inappropriate level”

I find it particularly telling how many of these are ‘Hot Minecraft Boy Except He’s Gay Like In My Wattpad Fanfiction’. If you were to go by the documented cases of individuals with introjects, they would surely follow the sexuality of the actual person the introject is based off of.

(Furthermore, all introjects shown on social media are extremely positive ones. A lot of introjects have been documented to be replicants of an abuser, to continue acting out the abuse. But that's not as fun to lip sync to.)

And for comparison, this is from 2015:

They last posted about Sans in February 2016… I wonder where he went.

An answer would be very much appreciated, as we do understand most of the blog and relate to a lot of the issues brought up. Much love! - Riley 🖍 of the rose sys

Once again, you didn’t ask any questions. But sure.

#the disk horse #did #dissociative system #actually dissociative #dissociation #dissociative identity disorder #osdd #did system #therileykyle

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theinariakuma · 4 years ago

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My Take on the Obey Me Boys

So. I was talking with @voltagesmutter She always gets my stuff that I possibly may post as well as just fragments of fics that may or may not come to be. After seeing the amazing bondage images here I broke down my take on the guys after sending her a small Lucifer piece inspired by the image.

She suggested I post my take on the guys because she liked how I broke them down.

I have not finished up to Chapter 40. I am currently stuck at Chapter 22. So anything that may be proven/disproven in future chapters.

So spoilers about Lilith and Belphegor (See Belphegor and Beelzebub’s) and Satan.

These are all my personal opinions and takes on the characters and why they act the way they do and how they need to be handled. If you’d like to see them, please view under the cut.

Lucifer:

Lucifer is a caretaker. He is a fixer. He is the person you go to to get a more parental/authoritative help. This is part of why he holds his pride in such a high regard. People go to him because he is the person they can rely on. However, because of this, he sacrifices his own self care, both health wise and emotionally. It gets to the point he probably does not know how to let go and the moment he does give up that control, that emotional surrender will take so much of pent up feelings and break him down. It will be a time that the Avatar of Pride will realize that surrendering his pride to the one he trusts, the one he loves, is not as scary, not the humiliation he thought it would have been, so long as he was accepted and his letting go was treated with the respect it deserves.

Mammon:

Mammon has what I think could easily be classified as Middle child syndrome. The idea of “never being good enough” compared to his older brother and younger brothers. He acts out for the attention he gets, he is the personification of any attention is good attention, even if it leads to the emotional and verbal abuse of him being called “stupid,” “scum,” “idiot,” and so on. He is probably the second most sacrificing out of the seven. Unlike Lucifer, who gets recognized for what he does, Mammon does not receive this recognition, leaving him attention deprived in every sense of the word. Despite his words, Mammon shows MC nothing but patience and in his own way, care towards them despite the occasional comment. He, like Asmo, has never turned his anger on MC in the way his siblings has. He has never turned his Demon form on MC in aggression. This boy gets flustered because he doesn’t know how to take kind words, does not know how to take a gentle touch. If his own brothers don’t respect him, why would other demons? So when he is given pure, gentle affection in terms of touches, love, kind words, he has no defense other then to try and brush it off and put himself into an outside role. It is often “The Great Mammon” not “me”. It would take time for him to truly accept that the words, the love, the affection, and attention are meant for him.

Leviathan:

Levi is someone I see as contact deprived. He, in my opinion, is the personification of, “If I don’t do it, it can’t hurt me” in a way. He finds acceptance in the 2D because they won’t turn him down. They won’t deny him love, attention, and kind words. For him, that is something that is priceless so he’ll spend as much money as he can to keep that happy feeling from it. Ruri is so important to him because she has been the one to accept him through his otaku nature. (Something I believe many fans of Obey me and other Otome Games can probably relate to). Looking over all of the boys, Belphegor, Satan, and Leviathan are the ones who do not have wings as Demons (See Satan’s post for spoilers). One could assume that they lost them when they changed from Angels to Demons. It is possible that he feels like he is no longer complete, and finding comfort in the 2D is what helps him go through his life, because it will love him no matter what, whereas real people can and possibly would reject him. So, it will take a massive amount of patience and persistence to convince this boy he is loved by someone that is real. It will take a lot of contact when he is okay with it, a lot of affirmation. He’ll degrade himself, he won’t believe someone could love him, likely because he doesn’t even love himself. Consistency will be something he needs and even when he gets frustrating, being angry at him can cause him to turn back in on himself.

Satan:

Spoilers for Satan’s Creation. Skip if you do not want spoilers.

Satan is the only one of the boys that was not an Angel. Created from Lucifer’s Anger, his wrath, there will always be a looming sense of the fact that he is not his own person. Unintentionally, this likely makes him more angry, especially when he ends up being more and more like Lucifer. He lives off the notion that knowledge is power, and because of that he buries himself in his own personal library that is called his room. He reads everything and anything he can get his hands on, letting himself get lost in the tales, the lives of fictional beings. This is likely the place where he learned how to have contact with people outside of his brothers. His family, Lucifer and the others, are a fractured bunch, despite that they do love one another, however, it does not leave the idea of social skills. Satan is likely faced on a daily basis with his own inferiority complex, and his way to battle that is by locking away his emotions because he probably does not know how to truly handle things outside of anger, in which he could easily pick a fight with one of the others. He’ll understand the notions of love, happiness, pleasure, fear, and so on, but it could be assume because how closed off the rest of the brothers are to the rest of the world outside of Diavolo and the few they interact with, Satan has never experienced these things first hand. His own emotions will surprise him, so he needs to be treated with care, especially once he opens someone up to his world, the safe place among the books. He won’t take well to teasing when he does show it unless it is all in good manner, something that is finished off with tender words and soft soothing that it is okay. That his feelings are his own and they are okay.

Asmodeus:

Asmo is someone who hides behind his looks. He knows he is beautiful and it is often shown just how much care he puts into his physical appearance through diets, skincare, clothes, and so on. However, despite this, it does not seem that Asmo makes any personal connections, only physical. He likely has never felt someone love him for him, love him for who he is under all of the care. He possibly is self conscious of being clingy emotionally. There is a running question if Asmo understands the difference between the idea of love and actual love. He needs someone who sees past the skin deep appearances, who could see him at his worst and call him beautiful, who wants him beyond the physical. He needs someone who will take care of his needs emotionally. Aggressive isn’t the word I would use about him, because he is not going to force anyone into anything, but he does push the idea of being physically intimate. He needs someone who can say no. Someone to show him what love is as much as they need to take care of his emotions. Rejection will likely baffle him because he knows how beautiful he is, how appealing he is, and if you’re attracted to him physically, he’ll notice. If you say no, despite all of this, if you explain you want to know him for him, it is likely he won’t understand how to take it.

Beelzebub:

Spoilers for Lilith’s story and Beel’s story during the Celestial War.

Beel is a protector, he sacrifices on a physical level. He loved fully and completely and that is probably the scariest thing to him. Because he knows just how big and strong he is and he knows how openly he wears his heart once someone knows him. He’d die before he let someone hurt someone important to him. Beel threw himself in front of his twin, and he blames himself and believes Belphie to blame him for not taking the deadly shot for Lilith. Beel is someone who loves easily, which is why he’ll come off aggressive or even distant when someone meets him, as seen with MC. He knows he wants to protect people, but his duty is to his family first. His sin, his gluttony, also often upsets people. His brothers go out of their way to stop him from raiding the fridge, on one of his Devilgram he is even scolded for sleep eating. He makes comments to MC that he does not feel as hungry when they are around, which leads to the conclusion, his gluttony is fueled by his emotions. He feels an emptiness early on. Belphie is not around, his steady guilt about Lilith, so he tries to fill this void created by his own emotions by eating. Beel is someone that deserves all of the love and praise. He will always be gluttonous, that is who he is. Helping him find a way to manage it without belittling him is perfect way to help care and show love for him. Understand he loves his family, and he would never want to be forced to choose between them. Beel and his brothers, especially Belphie, come as a packaged deal.

Belphegor:

Spoilers for Lilith’s story prior to the Celestial War and Belphie’s release from the room. ( I believe Chapter 16?)

Belphie was, in the Celestial realm, the baby among the brothers. He was able to get away with a lot of things, which was how he was able to sneak away so often that it had caused Lilith to grow curious. After Lilith’s death, that adoration and love for the human kind turned bitter in his chest. All of the good they had brought him had corrupted in the depth of his soul. His freedom was gone along with his sister, and that was a guilt that would weigh on his soul for several reasons. Beel had protected him rather than Lilith, and Belphie would likely blame himself because of all of this had been started because she followed his example and went to the Human Realm. After his actions towards MC, after killing them before Barbatos’ actions, the self-loathing will return in full force because he nearly killed off someone that had treated him with kindness, that knew his sins... that had been related to his reborn sister. He won’t know how to let go of his control, it would be all he has. It is why he will come off as aggressive or even aloof towards people at times. Belphie likely will have two ways to handle his emotions, full force release or resistance. If he trusts the person, they’ll see Belphie go into full cling. He’ll often cling to the person, trusting them fully because it is all he feels he could offer. Himself. It is also why if he does not have that trust with someone he will come off as aggressive and sharp. Belphie will always hold his regrets close to his chest, he needs someone to affirm that if he has been forgiven or not and if he hasn’t what he can do to earn that forgiveness. He needs to be treated with kid gloves in terms of being gentle in tone, but do not sugar coat it. He needs to be told if he is upset someone, if he has hurt them and he’ll likely need to know why, he is not the type to understand the weight of his words or actions until after it is done. He needs clear communication and open affection.

#obey me #obey me swd #obey me leviathan #obey me levi #obey me beel #Obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me beelzebub #obey me asmodeus #obey me asmo #obey me belphegor #obey me belphie #obey me satan #character take #personal opinions #Akuma Talks

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drivingsideways · 4 years ago

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Misaeng review

Ok, it's been almost a week, so I feel like I can get my thoughts (somewhat) in order. As usual, I'm late to the party, given that Misaeng aired 6 years ago, and is already considered a kdrama classic. Still: thoughts!

(under the cut)

I came to this drama with quite a lot of expectations, both because I'd seen it on a lot of rec lists, and also because I'd watched director Kim Won-seok's Signal and My Mister, which are justifiably as beloved as Misaeng. I'm happy to report that Misaeng mostly lived up to those expectations!

The writing & direction work together to make Misaeng a very immersive experience, which is good, considering the entire run time is over 20 hrs. The level of seemingly mundane detail of the operational aspects of running a trading firm that they delve into (and other dramas might have avoided for sake of pacing) seemed odd to me at first, but eventually result in a world building that's incredibly well fleshed out. The (formerly unlikely!) high stakes of a misplaced piece of paper or octopuses in a shipment of squid end up being parts of an emotionally wrenching narrative whole fairly seamlessly. Still, at 20+ hours, Misaeng also does get into the kind of pacing issues that most of the slice of life kdramas I've watched so far have. And it didn't need to! I think it had a wonderful ensemble of characters, and if they'd maybe given a little more time and space to characters other than Jang Geu-Rae (Im Si wan) and Oh Sang-sik (Lee Sung-min), the mid portions may not have felt quite so, well, stuck.

But more than the strong writing and direction, it was really the actors who delivered. They made what could have easily been a dull-ish office drama into a heart warming story about human connection and the joys and troubles of leading an "incomplete life". I'd never watched Lee Sung-min in anything before, and about half way through the series I was like, HOW IS HE MAKING A SHORT TEMPERED, ALCHOHOLIC MIDDLE MANAGER SO SEXY? Like, serious props, dude. Lee Sung-min is by turns annoying and brash and too shout-y and stubborn and funny and so incredibly vulnerable as a man trying his best to live by his principles in a world that thinks they are an impediment to "success", that you forget that he's playing a fictional character-- he's someone you know, he's someone you've seen in the mirror.

His performance as Oh Sang-sik is very ably matched by Im Si Wan's Jang Geu-Rae. This series would not have worked if these two actors didn't have the chemistry they do, and play off each other in every scene. I had watched Im Si Wan recently- in JTBC's "Run On", in which I liked his performance quite a lot, but I absolutely loved him as the naive and endearing Jang Geu-rae. Misaeng, is in part, a bildungsroman narrative centered around Jang Geu Rae. Im Si wan brought a kind of vulnerability to the role that might have felt cloying and emotionally manipulative in the hands of other actors, but Im Si-wan manages to do it with a light touch. I feel he's one of those actors that uses his whole body in a scene, not just relying on facial or verbal expression, and it's a joy to watch.

Each of the other actors in the ensemble also bring that dedication and talent to their roles, even if it's in a single scene. There are lots of one-off characters that we meet during the course of the series, and every single one of them leaves an impact.

But! I'm going to pick a fave from the supporting cast and that's Byun Yo-han, whom I'd last watched as the broody, troubled (and very sexy) swordsman Lee Bang-ji in Six Flying Dragons. I can't imagine a character more in opposition to that one than Han Seok-yul in Misaeng, but Byun Yo-han just knocks it out of the park as the scheming, cheerful and mostly inappropriate clown with a heart of gold; Han Seok-yul is the definition of Chaotic Good, and you're equal parts horrified by his antics- which include sexual harassment dont @ me -- and yet charmed by him. I wish they'd given him a few more scenes and a larger plotline to work with, but I also suspect that he might have just walked away with the entire series if they did that. (Am I plotting that series in my head as I write this? MAYBE.)

Alright, this is getting a bit too long, so I'm going to get to the bits that disappointed me. That's really one major thing: the gender politics. I don't know how different the show is from the web toon it's based on, so I can't tell whether they made significant changes to the basic plot and characters. As in- I have no idea if the webtoon was as male dominated in every way as the show is, so I'm not sure how much of the show's treatment of women as a class, and its female characters in particular, I should lay at the door of the original writer vs the screenwriter and director. I'm also lacking the Korean context in which this was written and made and aired, so you may take my criticism with a pinch of salt, if you please!

That the show features mainly male characters is perhaps unsurprising and realistic, since we know that the kind of corporate life it depicts is very male dominated, top to bottom. The show also portrays the very real and horrific overt and subtle misogyny that women face in the workplace and out of it; mainly in the character of Ahn Young-yi, played with steely determination and quiet suffering by the lovely Kang so-ra. There are only 3 other female characters that have any sort of real speaking role- Sun Ji Young (played by Shin Eun jung), a senior manager at the company, Jang Geu-rae's unnamed(!) mother (played by the amazing Sung Byoung-Sook) and Oh Sang-sik's unnamed (!) wife (played by Oh Yoon-Hong, who's a delight in every tiny scene she has). There are other women who appear but in very minor roles, and often in "comedy" moments that often rely on sexist tropes to start with.

Anyway, right there you can see one of the problems- 4 women characters that have any kind of real screen time, and only 2 of them are named. Aigoo! Screenwriter Jung Yoon-jung is a woman, and like, I don't like putting the burden on any one woman to y'know fix structural misogyny, but I can't also help feeling disappointed that she overlooked even this "small" thing among the larger things.

But that apart, the main issue for me was that while the show doesn't shy away from depicting egregious sexism in the form of sexual harrassment, verbal and physical and certainly emotional abuse, in a manner that's clear that we are meant to be horrified by it--it falls short of depicting how women deal and work with it. It just doesn't give enough space to women or their worldview.

It's very comfortable depicting victimhood, but doesn't put work into depicting the ways in which women survive by finding solidarity with other women. We have a scene or two where Ahn Young-yi who is this show's poster child for female victimhood interacts with the older women who offer sympathy and understanding, but no real strategy or support. And yes, we see men also being targeted by their seniors for the grossest verbal and physical abuse; and it's men who help Ahn Young-yi strategise on how to deal with her situation. Real life experience tells me that it's the women who do this work for other women. I have certainly been on both sides of this equation, for one, and so has every woman that I know in corporate life. And yes, one of the show's core philosophies is that those who endure, survive--but it is none the less extremely painful to watch Ahn Young yi "endure" the kind of abuse she does as a coping strategy and a survival strategy.

At the end of it, when she slowly manages to gain the support of her sexist team, it's shown as a victory-- though naturally imperfect, because this show takes its Realism very seriously (right until the end where it makes a tonal shift into quirky that I was a little ?? about)-- and y'know, sure, it is a victory. And I absolutely understand the choices she makes and why she does it-- I guess I just got annoyed by the fact that other antagonistic figures in the narrative get a more straightforward comeuppance for their egregious behavior, but Ahn Young-yi doesn't even get a goddamned apology from her abusers. Instead, we have a half humourous, half serious moment where she comments on how she's working at turning herself into "someone cute"- because she understands now that sometimes the right strategy is to "go with the flow". Be the water that slowly wears away at the rock. It's an interesting moment- the men she tells this to are taken aback by her bluntness, but also a little clueless about what she means. It's the kind of nuance that I would and do enjoy. Unfortunately, it also closely follows one of the show's most annoying scenes at the tail end of the series- where it tries to play off workplace sexism and misogyny as comedy- boys being boys-Reader, when I tell you that I had to WORK to unclench my jaw--!

I'm not saying we should have a single and obvious narrative of female emancipation. I'm not against realism in fiction, but god, sometimes, please do remember that when we look for escapism, we are actually imagining a better world. The first step toward liberation is allowing yourself to imagine it.

And the show does allow other characters its moments of unfettered fantasy- Im Si Wan parkour-ing all over the rooftops of Amman- and having a semi mystical + Indiana Jones moment in the deserts of Jordan--so why, I ask, are the women not given that gift?

*looks into the camera *

Tl;dr: I enjoyed it, it made me cry every episode, and I cared about all the characters, and if you haven't watched it yet, treat yourselves.

PS. Yes, Han Seok-yul is a disaster bi, sorry, I don't make the rules. Yes, hotties Oh Min Seok and Kang Ha-neul are canonically naked in a hot tub six feet apart because they are bros. Yes, I will be writing the fix it in which they fuck like angry bunnies. Yes, I am going to put my shipper cooties all over this gen slice of life show, deal with it.

#misaeng #kdrama #thinky thoughts

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simplyotometrash · 4 years ago

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Hi! I just came across your A-Z fluff head cannons for Asmo and I loved it!!! (Requesting one for Lucifer please 😭 the overworked dad needs some fluff)

Of course! Usually I would ask you to just send in 5 letters, but since I did the whole thing for Asmo without any requests at all, I think I can put together one for Lucifer!

Fluff ABCs- Lucifer

Full Alphabet

A = Admiration (what do they absolutely adore about you?)

Your dedication and stubbornness. You’ve gotta be stubborn if you’re in love with Lucifer. He’s hard-headed and prideful, it can take a lot to get through to his very guarded heart. He doesn’t want to lose someone again, so the fact you were stubborn enough to pursue him and prove yourself in multiple situations is a quality he greatly admires about you.

B = Body (what is their favorite part of your body?)

Hands. He loves your hands. Watching your hands as you do tasks, holding your hands when he needs a break, how they feel in his hair when you rub his head after a stressful day or meeting. Your hands calm him down when he’s angry at Mammon. He adores them. If he had it his way, they’d be soft and supple for the rest of your life and you’d never have to lift a finger. Of course, he knows you’re not that kind of person.

C = Cuddling (how do they like to cuddle?)

He’s a big spoon cuddler all the fucking way. He feels like he is guarding you by being the big spoon. You fit nicely in his arms, no matter how tall you are. He enjoys wrapping his arm around your waist, tucking your body back against his. There are rare occasions where he will be the little spoon, but only when you’re facing one another. He will bury his face against your chest or neck and let you be the one holding him. Only when he’s exhausted, drunk, or stressed.

D = Dates (what does their ideal date with you look like?)

Getting him to make time for a date is the thing. He’s a busy, overworked man. He likes taking you out to nice dinners, then taking a walk before going back home. His dates are simple and on the formal side. His brothers claim he needs to spice things up and be more spontaneous, though that isn’t his preference. He likes to keep it classy.

E = Emotions (how do they express emotion around you?)

It takes a long time for him to let the mask drop. The facade cracks and he can be open to you. It’s just a matter of breaking through. He will let his words do everything while he physically keeps himself guarded. He refuses to physically break down. It’s very rare for him to even cry. Very rare. And sometimes you have to coax his feelings out of him. It’s not that he doesn’t want to tell you. Lucifer is used to getting through things on his own, having to be strong, and be the elder brother and father figure to his brothers. Learning to lean on someone takes time and he’s afraid of being vulnerable.

F = Family (do they want one? If they do, when?)

Give him some time to actually settle down. He feels like a father to his brothers, especially when they act like a group of children. Once he is settled more, though, he’d love to have a family. One or two children would be enough for him, he doesn’t need a house full. He needs a fucking break from the chaos. Give him that break before bringing up children.

G = Gifts (how do they feel about gift giving? What are their habits when it comes to this?)

Gifts from him are sparing. It’s not that he doesn’t want to shower you in presents, he’s just very contained and reserved. He reserves gifts for special occasions or when he feels the urge take him over. You never know exactly when you’ll get something from Lucifer, so it keeps you on your toes.

H = Holding Hands (when/how do they like to hold hands?)

He isn’t a big PDA man. He doesn’t hold your hand too often in public, not because he doesn’t want to but rather because he doesn’t feel the need to do it. He likes it when you hook your hand in his elbow while walking together. But he holds your hand all the time when in private. He takes his gloves off and holds your hands in his, enjoying the peace it brings him.

I = Injury (how would they act if you got hurt?)

He would not be able to keep his calm. He would be in his demon form instantly, bringing hell down upon the demon that hurt you. That demon will be lucky if they’re not dead. Why did they think to hurt the partner of Diavolo’s right-hand man? It was a big mistake.

If he hurt you, he would be filled with regret. He would vow to make it up to you every day and remember to restrain himself when he gets angry. It was most likely an accident, he didn’t know you were there.

If it was you being clumsy, he would chuckle and pick you up off the ground. He would check you over for any serious injury but otherwise not be too concerned.

J = Jokes (do they like to joke around with or prank you? how?)

Lucifer isn’t much for pranks or jokes. He’ll chuckle at yours but it isn’t really his thing, you know?

K = Kisses (how do they like to kiss you?)

He likes to kiss you deeply. Long, slow kisses against your mouth with tongues tangling together. He prefers sensual kisses. He isn’t a fan of chaste kisses that give him little satisfaction. He’s a demon who knows what he wants. That is why he prefers to kiss you in private, where he can do things as he sees fit. Given his position, he has an image he needs to keep up with. But that doesn't mean shit when it comes to being in love with you.

L = Love (how do they show you they love you?)

Taking time out of his busy days with work to just be with you. It doesn't matter how long. He will always find a way to make some time with you no matter how busy he is. It can be a quick lunch, a full dinner date, taking a walk when he is taking a break, or letting you play with his hair. This is a man who will find the time to be with you every single day.

M = Memory (favorite memory together?)

The first night you told him you loved him. He’d never felt so warm in his chest before. He felt loved. Like he had more purpose than just to be Diavolo’s second in command and parent his brothers constantly. He felt that there was more for him in life than he ever could have imagined. Those three words meant more to him than you even realized. He actually teared up, though he will deny it if you ever bring it up. It’s his fondest memory of you.

N = Nightmare (what is their worst fear?)

Losing you. The thought of you disappearing from the world- from his life- is haunting. It makes him sick to his stomach. He will do everything in his power to protect you from harm, unlike how he failed to truly protect Lilith. He doesn’t care that Lilith survived and carried on a normal life. He failed her. He won’t fail you.

O = Oddity (what is one quirk they have?)

You’ve noticed it time and time again. He has pens that don’t ever get used for writing. You know his writing tools, he uses them every damn day. But these pens serve another purpose. You know this because you have a photo to prove it. When Lucifer is stressed out or in deep thought, he pulls out a pen and chews on the end of it so he doesn’t accidentally do that to what he’s actually writing with. He looks so harmless when he’s in thought, teeth clamped around the end of a pen. It’s adorable.

P = Pet Names (what do they like to call you?)

He calls you dear, little dove, dearest, and dearest one. Slightly sounds like an old man with how tame his pet names are, but they bring butterflies to your stomach when he says them.

Q = Quality Time (how do they like to spend time with you?)

If he isn’t able to take you out, he likes it when you lay in bed together and you read to him. Yes, he is fully capable of reading on his own but there is something about laying with his head in your lap while you read aloud. You always pick novels you think he’ll enjoy, but he doesn’t actually care. He loves listening to the sound of your voice as you get into what you’re reading. You begin to encapsulate the work of fiction and bring it to life in your own way.

R = Rhythm (what song reminds you of them?)

Wake Me Up When September Ends by Green Day

S = Secrets (how open are they with you?)

Lucifer trusts you but he isn’t one to divulge his secrets to you if he doesn’t feel he has to. It’s nothing personal, he loves you and trusts you greatly, but he doesn’t tell anyone his secrets unnecessarily. If he tells you one of his secrets, you know that it’s been eating at him lately.

T = Time (how long did it take you to get together?)

It took a few months. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to be with, he truly did, but he was afraid. He didn’t want to get close to you and risk losing you. The idea of that was painful. He was scared to take that risk. You broke through his walls and he knew he couldn't let you go. You’ve been together ever since.

U = Upset (how do they act when you’re upset?)

He is level headed and calm when you’re upset. He does his best to help you, to make you feel better. He is there to listen to you, to hold you when you cry, let you vent, anything. He does his best.

V = Vaunt (what are they proud of? Do they like to show you off?)

He loves showing you off in a very classy manner. He likes having you on his arm, making it clear that you were taken. It’s very rare for any demon to try hitting on you, which is the entire point.

W = Warrior (how do they feel about you fighting? Would they fight for you, beside you, etc?)

It chills him to the core to think about you fighting. He doesn’t want to see you fight, ever. If you get threatened or challenged to fight, he would rather be there to settle things. He does not want you to be in a fight if he can help it.

X = X-Ray (how well are they able to read you?)

Lucifer is good at reading you. He knows how to read people, he has to. He wants to be able to help you, so he reads your body language and the tone of your voice.

Y = Yes (how would they propose to you?)

Lucifer, true to form, wants to keep it classy. He takes you out to a very nice dinner at Ristorante Six (compliments of Diavolo who insisted on helping Lucifer), a nice, relaxing walk after dinner until you get somewhere with a nice view, and that’s when he would break out the heartfelt speech he’s been practicing secretly for weeks.

Z = Zen (what makes them feel calm?)

When you’re rubbing his head while he lays in your lap and you read a book to him. It’s the highlight of his day, even if it only happens for a short time. It always calms him down and is even able to help him unwind to get some sleep.

#fluff abcs #fluff alphabet #obey me lucifer fluff #obey me lucifer #obey me #obey me shall we date #shall we date lucifer #lucifer fluff headcanons #lucifer avatar of pride #waylonwrites #waylonanswersasks

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