#feel free to spam this as much as you want forever truly

[formosusiniquis]

WIP Whenever

Posting this on a Wednesday, so anyone I might tag can play that way if they prefer but this is my official announcement that I will be doing WIP Wednesday/Weekend every day from now until my bang fic starts looking like it's an actual completed story

Rules:

Send me a 🔮 or just labyrinth au at any point from now until October

I'll write 3 sentences on that doc and send it to you in a reply

That's it, that's the whole thing

Here's a snippet to get us started and a tag list below the cut:

“You made a wish, it's my job to answer it. That much hasn’t changed.” “What wish? You and your fucking goblin queen dragged me through a portal while I was trying to help. Maybe you had a leg to stand on before, but if words are power then they probably need to actually be said instead of relying on implication.” “I wish I knew how to help you,” his own half-slurred voice comes out of the mouth across the table. Fluttery and panicked vowels from a face that doesn’t move, impassioned as a statue. With a head tilt, not unlike that fucking owl he was a few hours ago, he’s mimicking Eddie’s shout, “I wish the Goblin King was here right now. “Dustin seems to be doing well,” the King says in his own voice, “I’m glad you two were able to make up, the brotherly bonding really is cute.”

and here are some zero pressure tags to some folks: @augustjustice, @cauldronoflove, @thefreakandthehair, @stevespookington, @fuctacles, @lingeringmirth, @aparticularbandit, @pennyplainknits, and anyone else who would like to play!

[sos717]

i guess you don’t answer anymore but i’m hoping you at least read this because it’s genuine and i feel like i have nowhere else to post this. i just want someone to hear me. ignore this if it’s too long. i want to thank you for your posts. they are the only writings that have truly resonated with me ever since i discovered the law, neville, states, being, whatever we call this thing. but i’ll be honest i’m giving up today. i discovered the ‘law of attraction’ in 2019 when i was 18 years old. it is now getting to the last quarter of 2024 and i am 23 where i’ve evolved in understanding to where i found ‘nondualism’. i went from law of attraction -> law of assumption & neville goddard -> robotic affirming -> mindset fixing & joe dispensa -> states & edward art -> nondualism. however… i have never manifested a single thing in my life. i used to be filled with anxiety when i said this. fearing these words would cause it to keep going on but i don’t even want to fear anymore. it’s just the truth. your posts taught me that i don’t have to fear my words anymore anyways. i’ve had a dream for a long time. i don’t believe i will ever reach this dream anymore. along with that dream i also just really wanted good for my family and i. you know the basics like financial freedom, happiness, mended relationships. but throughout everything i’ve learned i could never make it work and i’m just done. i guess i will return to living a normal life and just hoping i make it. i hope i find happiness or just.. anything. i’m just letting go of it all because i feel like things shouldn’t be this hard. even going to caleb’s channel and watching his recent ‘your manifestation isn’t taking long, you are’ video…. i’m just… exhausted. i just dont know how to do this and i don’t think i can take life anymore anyways. but yeah i just wanted to say thank you. even though i could never find success, you taught me who I Am. and i’ll forever be grateful for your wisdom even though you’re a bit younger than me. i hope you find continued success and live a happy life. sincerely

THIS IS JUST THE FIRST PART TO THE HUGE POST, PLEASE TAKE YOUR TIME

After what felt like months away from tumblr I really dove into self-inquiry fully, and of course still am, and I promised you guys a mega post so here’s the initial information so far. There is more to come.

IM SORRY IF THERE ARE ERRORS IN GRAMMAR OR SMTH I WROTE THIS AT MANY DIFFERENT MOMENTS THROUGHOUT THE DAY!! FEEL FREE TO ASK QUESTIONS, ETC BUT PLS DONT ASK BY RESPONDING TO THIS POST, ITLL CAUSE SO MUCH SPAM ON THE FEED AND MY ASKS PAGE

Hello! Yes I have started looking back into my inbox (THERE ALLOT OF ASKS 😭😭🫶) but I absolutely plan on answering as many as possible, and because your post resonated with how I used to feel, I want to answer yours first.

So to begin with, It makes me so happy to know that what I’ve written has some kind of affect (that being positive). I can’t remember if I told you guys how old I was but I must have cus you seem to know 😭😭, yes I’m 19 we’re very close in age, this moment in life is when allot of us who figure out this stuff lean into it more because we realize how much of a leg up we have if we just “apply” the teachings this early on.

So first what I want to say to you is, no, your not giving up on a dream and neither are you going to live a normal life, I’ll make sure of that, this beautiful world that we step into gives us so much insight on what we inherently are. But I need to remind you and everyone else, this is not some big secret that has to be practiced, it’s a look at what we are and always will be. You have purpose and you deserve to be happy and enjoy a life that’s easy and fulfilling. I apologize in advance because this is going to be a pretty long post!! 🫶🫶

Let’s get rid of the labels and titles we’ve given these understandings as if they are for someone to learn and master. No one masters manifestation, no one will ever master manifestation and I truly don’t care for how many “success stories” they have, it doesn’t hold proving value of what they are (notice how I didn’t say who), we are not who’s, but that’s for later in the post.

The reason I’ve stepped away from the concept of manifesting is because it is inherently lack and separation based. No matter the teaching, they all seem to glorify the idea of getting and achieving which puts great pressure on success stories and all that rubbish. (Not me turning British) 😝😝, okay sorry, so yeah this also goes for nondualism, I don’t associate a title with what I learn, it’s not NonDualism it’s actually just self discovery in disguise of a teaching. But for this exact reason I don’t think to myself “I need to learn NonDualism better”, nononooooo I made this mistake wayyy to much due to the sole fact that I came in with the expectation that this would now teach me the secrets of manifesting. This is kind of the set up to more desire and lack, which is actually the opposite of the self-realization “journey”.

So, when you say you have never manifested anything in your life, I say this with incredible pleasure, that this is impossible, I know I know, before you start thinking to yourself that youve heard this before but I don’t think people go that in depth as to what that even means. So, your life and your problems, are not actually problems.

Self-realization is not the journey for the person to become consciousness, but to understand that you ARE consciousness to begin with. You does no reference a someone, but “ “.

This is going to be, quite a post so PLEASE hang in there. And I just want to add in, this is still not a seperate being trying to understand that it’s connected to conciousness, no, you as conciousness, infinite knowing, are so involved with the content that you appear as, you’ve tricked yourself into thinking that you are just 1 thing of the content. Let me use my first example.

We have given ourselves the greatest interpretation and key to knowing ourself, and that’s dreaming.

Every night, we sleep, HOORRAAYYYY, now let’s get into the details because this is where the magic happens and it clicks.

Take the moment before a dream appears, recognize that when the eyes are closed there’s this presence. Not the darkness, the presence. Something, but not a thing.

Stay here and forget the rest of the world exists for a moment. Now there is only this presence, it’s knowing, it’s being right? Now there’s no actual material but regardless, it is, something. This isn’t something out of this world it’s literally, you. From this, knowing or no-thingness, comes expressions, absolutely infinite potential, this is registered as a dream, but, before the dream in any way can be experienced, there always has to be some type of interpreter/lens, this comes in the form a person or better yet, senses. Of course, there’s nothing to the senses or the person but whatever it’s formulated from, which was that presence/knowing. The activity of this infinite potential that is the knowing, (you asleep) appears, only with the help of a pov/sight.

Nonetheless, it plays out, it plays stories of absolutely anything, for no reason at all, and as it does, we get lost to it, it starts to become real, and without even realizing it, it’s no longer a dream but something we’re experiencing, now you are the character in the dream and you naturally play out the dialogue and storyline and explore the fields, magic towers, and laugh and dance and make friends, and then you wake up.

When you wake up, you recognize “oh, nothing was actually happening”, now of course, when your the person in the dream it is very real, but even then, is it? Knowing what you know, there wasn’t actually a place with dialogue, no character of its own experience or life, no actual forests or fields and magic, no one actually laughing and dancing or friends, but simply the appearance of that. The illusion.

And it’s not that it’s only a formulation of you when you realize it is, but it always is, the dream doesn’t only become an illusion or “fake” when you wake up, it’s naturally just fake, REGARDLESS of how it seems to be. And regardless we sleep every night knowing that we’ll forget it’s a dream.

So I think you can see where I’m headed with this, I’m going to use the example Rupert Spira uses but twist it a bit.

You go to sleep in Australia and dream yourself in the streets of Paris, and you take on the identity of John, you don’t actually become John and experience the streets of Paris.

Now, John drinks coffee and he feels the sunlight warm his skin, sees the greenery, feels the wind, all of it. But despite the way it all seems the sunlight, the sensations that John has, is not actually real, and neither is John. John isn’t actually feeling anything, he doesn’t exist and there is no Paris being traveled. And it’s not John that realizes/awakens to the understanding that he’s fake and this is all a dream, it’s you, asleep in Australia that realizes it as you modulate/formulate as the streets of Paris, the coffee, and the greenery, and John, understand?

The activity of that presence, if you recall when we talked about closing your eyes, formulated as something that seemed so real, and that doesn’t give any reality to the dream itself, because there is no separating the knowing from the content known. Without the “space” for it to appear or form from, how on earth would there be the content? A bigger step forward is to realize that there isn’t even an actual dream occurring but it’s all the self knowing presence of, well, knowing. I want to add something very important before moving on.

Knowing does not happen for the purpose of pleasure, we naturally deconstruct false ideas like this as we go, but something you MUST understand about the nature of existence is, none of this is appearing for the purpose of ant experience, there isn’t actually an experience. No one is enjoying nor hating the illusion, it is simply an appearance.

In the same way that the aware/presence before the dream appears from it simply is, in this way, we are. It’s like saying the TV screen plays a movie and experiences it, or does it for the purpose of experience, no that’s silly, knowing has no inherent motive, it is, you (infinite knowing) don’t “happen” for a purpose, never mind happen at all, you are, and in this do you take form of something, your self aware nature of course knows the content of your own being, but that doesn’t mean the illusion can enjoy itself, or that you enjoy or experience the illusion, it’s just a plain appearance, and that’s it.

For example, when you close your eyes on this next demonstration, truly try to grasp the essence of what I’m trying to explain.

Bring from the nothingness/knowing when you close your eyes, a blue vase, know it in every aspect you can, incorporate every sense you can (even taste if your a little freaky 🫦🫦😭) and make it as present as possible. After you open your eyes I have a question for you. (I’m serious, do the damn practice it’ll help you) please take as much time you need to truly get in there (not too long I can’t wait all day)

okay hey, your back, now answer me this, from what did this immersive appearance take reality from? You and I know that there’s no actual vase despite its presence, no matter the vibrant or dull colors, no matter the feel, rough or glossy, its taste 🫦😭, its feel, etc. So what was the substance that formulated this? If you guessed knowing, your soooooo correct, if you didn’t it’s okay you get brownie points 🫶. But yes, now I need you to understand this verrrry clearly, the vase was not real!!!! Yet it appeared that way! This is AN ILLUSION SURPIRISISIEIEIEIEIEIEISISBWHH- yes. No matter how much you want to convince yourself and go back to the vase and its appearance and its feel or colors or any aspect of it, it wasn’t ACTUALLY happening and that means it didn’t take place for anyone or anywhere!!! All there was present was knowing, from knowing forms vase and every seemingly alternate way that it is known, feeling is a form of knowing, literally every sense is just a form of knowing. Every sense that was “used” to understand the vase was all just aspects and appearances of knowing, the color, the sounds, the taste, the feels, they didn’t formulate anywhere else, but nonetheless appeared as immersive and real because YOU BECAME FOCUSED ON THE CONTENT OF THE APPEARANCE RATHER THAN RECOGNIZE THAT IT WAS JUST APPEARANCE. And even though the content of the appearance you formed as became the focus, it still didn’t change the objective fact that there wasn’t someone actually there and experiencing it in any way.

The knowing in/on which appearances formulate is not something different than the appearance, there is nothing to the illusion but its reality, and its reality is knowing. In this way, the illusion couldn’t even be described as something real or taking place, as if it could exist apart from the source of it.

Knowing this is also knowing there is no such thing as the knowing OF, we never know of things or of experiences as if they are something seperate and exist seperatley from knowing itself, that’s literally impossible. Moving forward

You are not the person/character, and it’s not that you are a limited being and you have to wake up to the idea that you are infinite knowing, you have to realize that you were never something seperate, and that this is simply the modulation of your being, and it’s not a someone it’s more of a something.

Let’s starts stabilizing this.

To all of the experiences across centuries, theres one constant amongst the billions of people who’ve lived and are now and that is, I Am. We might not know for certain about anything else ever in this entire universe, and we might not even know who or what we are but for a fact we can say, yes, I am.

There’s no true word that can describe the infinite essence of being, so we use knowing or conciousness or god, all completely the same.

So, to every experience, without an ounce of doubt, there can be the claim, I am. This is knowing, and only from knowing comes the statement, because we must know we are in order to claim that we are. I think something that can capture this is a newborn, imagine yourself to be newly born, mere seconds I mean, eyes closed. You have no understand of anything, no thoughts, no memories, no identity, your pure experience is simply being/knowing, and I don’t mean the action of knowing, that’s not a real thing. Knowing is inherent, you don’t force it.

Going back to experiences. Any experience that is recognized, any seeing, and hearing, tasting touching, and of course feeling, is assumed to be the experience of the body and this is therefore falsely established as “me”, in doing so, we forget our true nature of freedom and limit our understanding and abilities to the limitations of the body.

I’m now going to help you realize the body is an interpreter, and not of a world that’s happening somewhere in time and space, but that the world is the interpretation/modulation/illusion/dream/appearance of our shared infinite being, AFTER being recognized through the interpretations, (sensations and perceptions). This also means that it’s in no way an actual measurement to what you fully are.

What experience is there to seeing? Better yet let me narrow it down, there is nothing to seeing as if there is someone doing the seeing. Seeing simply is. There’s no one to do it, just what is. There is sight, how is there an acknowledgment of the sight/seeing? There must be something to it that gives the understanding “oh I’m seeing this”. (Hint, it’s the same thing that let you know, that “I Am”). Knowing, yes, not knowing as an action, that’s not real, people don’t know, knowing is the essence of what we are (we are not people). But just wait for that. So all there is to sight is knowing, and I don’t think I have to do this but you can say the same about absolutely every other sense, because every single “experience” absolutely requires knowing. Without knowing, “experience” never is, I think we can all acknowledge that.

There is no such thing as the experience of being a human, Why are we deciding that this is what’s it’s like to be humans, we know humans we acknowledge humans but there is no such thing as being a human, in the same way that there’s no true way that there is something to being a fox or a bird or a rock, it’s only with labels are these ideas decided.

The only thing you’ll be able to muster up is memories, emotions, etc, but that doesn’t make it the inherent experience of being a human. Our first and only experience of what we are is knowing, and then knowing that we are, that’s it. In the same way that a babies first experience is not “I am a baby” or “I am a human”, rather it’s just knowing. If being human was our nature, that’s all we’d recognize, and from the very beginning. Our experience does not actually change from being/knowing, we simply forget that there is the knowing, and decide to focus on the body to be “me” or “human”.

You don’t need senses to know you are. Knowing is something unimaginable. Go ahead and try to find it by closing your eyes or even with them open. Can you grab or touch the knowing. Can you recognize its dimensions or what its appearance is? How old or young is it?

Do me a favor and find the edge where knowing starts and stops.

Let me know when you find it because you never will.

Even when you try, it’s only conciousness itself that searches for its own parameters.

By recognizing that your truly not the body, or this person you as knowing have pretended to become, the made up problems of the person disappear, well actually, you realize that there is no person that has problems, only an idea. Only the idea that I am someone and something is happening to me, I am something seperate and need saving. There isn’t actually a seperate self, the seperate self is the activity that you as knowing are, when you become involved with the content and forget your true nature. And what’s truly the main takeaway from this is that, even when it seems like you’ve lost it and now you have to restart and understand it all over again, you as knowing haven’t gone anywhere, your the one pretending to be something lost, and not on purpose, but because you involve yourself too heavily in the appearances without recognizing where they originate from.

From what we know so far, I hope in some way you’re able to recognize that there is no one doing manifestations and having success stories. You ARE the manifestation and it will NEVER be any other way, whether we recognize it or not, that’s the beauty. So no matter if we go on about this appearance of life and say we don’t get it and move on, you as conciousness will continue to play the roles, because there is no off switch to this.

I’m hope this has been able to start untying the blinds over your “eyes” and you’re starting to somewhat understand the truth of what you/we are. This is only the beginning and it’s only going to get more incredible and beautiful from here. But for now I’m shleeepy hehehe, I’ll talk to you soon, never ever give up on your dreams!!!! 🫶❤️❤️

[fatuismooches]

I used to love scrolling through the Dottore x Reader tag on Tumblr until I stumbled upon your account and ended up binge-reading all of your posts. [I would spam-like all your posts, but I’m unsure if spam-liking is unwelcome! (/--)/] I just have to say, your writing and characterization of Dottore and his segments are by far the best I’ve ever read and seen???? Honestly, it’s my favourite portrayal of Dottore, and your writing is just so immaculate??? The emotions and details are perfect, and it’s always such a joy to read and visualize everything in my head. If I had to describe it with a physical feeling, your writing feels warm, fun, freeing, and safe—like lying in a field of grass under a night sky, with warm winds brushing against my skin. ＼(^-^)／

I love your versions of the segments, too! They all feel so unique, and there’s such variety in your portrayal of them. I love how each segment gets its share of love. The interactions between the reader, Prime, and the segments never feel awkward—everything feels balanced and fair. I used to be really unsure about segments x reader content, but you’ve made me fall in love with them all. The way you give each segment so much personality while ensuring none of them overshadow the others is just incredible?? IF THAT MAKES SENSE—I’M JUST RAMBLING I FEAR— TLDR: YOUR WRITING MAKES MY EYES AND HEART EXPLODE WITH HAPPINESS. (*^ー^)ノ♪

AND THE ANGST WRITING TOO??? UGH, MY HEART. IT’S SO PAINFUL. I LITERALLY TEAR UP AND CHOKE UP EVERY TIME YOU WRITE ANGST. [PLEASE, SEGMENTS AND PRIME DOTTORE LIVE FOREVER!!! MY HEART CANT HANDLE THAT PAIN- AND THAT LATEST ONE ABOUT OMEGA AND READER HAD ME DOWN ON THE GROUND, UNABLE TO GET UP. (/_;)/] But seriously, your work has made me so much more attached to Dottore than ever before. Sometimes I even find it hard to go through the Dottore x Reader tag nowadays because I’ve developed such a heavy bias and preference for your characterization of him. It’s such a refreshing take on the character and I absolutely adore it. ＼(^-^)／

Also, I’m just in general a sucker for villains being soft for their lover, and the fragile reader concept you explore on this blog is just chef’s kiss.

Please write forever, I don't know what I'll do with my nightly reading time without your delicious dottore content /lh /pos

Also, your blog is so organized it saves me so much time as someone who frequently gets losT online and irl

CAN I BE 💀🎉 ANON???? I'VE NEVER BEEN AN ANON THING BEFORE IDK HOW TO DO THIS

SORRY FOR THE WORD VOMIT MY MIND HAS LIKE 3938328 THINGS RUNNING AT ONCE AND WANTS TO SAY THEM ALL IN ONE GO

ANON??!? IM LITERALLY GOING TO CRY I NEED A MOMENT TO BREATHE WHO LET YOU BE SO KIND- IWHDEUWIDHEW

FIRST OF ALL, THANK U FOR THIS ILY 😭🙏 I'm super happy you like my writing and characterization of Dottore, your praise makes my heart happy and want to continue to write *hugs* 💕! (and feel free to spam like, it doesn't bother me and it makes me smile actually!)

I'M GLAD I MADE YOU LIKE SEGMENTS FICS TOO??😭🥺 that's a huge compliment bfbewfe imo the segments are underrated in fics and need more love so to know i converted you just makes me go 🥹🥹🥹🤏💙💙💙💕🥺 FELLOW SEGMENT LOVER!!!! I VERY MUCH ADORE YOUR RAMBLING ANON!! your praise for my writing is far too high i fear- i just write what my whimsical heart tells me to 🫶 i think ur the one making my eyes and heart explode!!! >.<

AHH IM HOLDING U TIGHTLY DURING THE ANGST FBEWFEW I PROMMY EVERYONE IS ALIVE!!!! I'm also glad you liked the Omega fic hehe i was worried it didn't have the usual oomph BUT IT SEEMS I DID MY JOB!!! (secretly love-hate writing angst bc it makes me sad but i also love reactions like these-) It's always the nicest thing when people love Dottore more thanks to my writing, it's truly so cute!! I love spreading the doter love... 💞💞💞

SUPER GLAD YOU LOVE THAT TROPE TOO!!! IT IS MY LIFE'S BLOOD!! i prommy to write forever for you dear 💀🎉 anon (funny emoji combo) I WILL MAKE YOUR NIGHTS THE BEST NIGHTS!! also glad to see you appreciate my organization, i am actually proud of my blog's structure hehe

U DON'T NEED TO APOLOGIZE!!! I LOVED THIS ASK SM IM STORING IT SAFELY!!

[audreyscribes]

Wait?! I had another idea (I’m so sorry I don’t mean to spam your inbox, feel free to ignore me if you want).

So like, a child of Pandora, Pandora is an immortal in the Pjo universe but not necessarily a goddess. So if she had a kid I feel like they’d be something like a demigod or legacy (considering Pandora was brought to life by the gods) but also like kinda not.

Like do you see the vision.

They just kinda show up at camp and the campers are just slightly in constant fear at the thought of the child of Pandora releasing some kind of evil upon them.

Meanwhile the child of Pandora is just minding their own business and like playing pinochle with Mr D.

I mean you can argue that all of humans are technically a legacy of Pandora, being First Mortal Woman that was formed by the gods…alright I’m joking. I know what you’re getting at lol. 

Pandora becoming an immortal after her death would make sense if we go with Pandora being made with the hands of the gods and their essence mingled in with her, and she is immortalised by memory by being said-first woman and also for opening the Jar that led to…humanity suffering all kinds of evil that plague mankind. 

I can see her descendants being treated as a legacy, since she’s not really a god so she can’t have demigod children, and you can make the argument that Pandora is a demigod too but schematics and technicality. 

As for the legacy of Pandora being received…well legacies and reputation does exceed and carry on very well. With the variation of tellings that Pandora released the plagues of evil was unintentionally, as the gods made her very curious and she opened it unknowingly, or evil and cunning because the gods told her to and she complied; honestly, the gods made Pandora to open the evils in punishment and so it just sticks unfortunately. Being a descendent of Pandora does have its advantages however. In the PJO retelling of the story, Zeus took Aphrodite’s suggestion and had Hephaesteus moulded Pandora out of clay; Zeus breathed life into her; Aphrodite gave her great beauty and charm to make her irresistible; Apollo with how to sing and play the lyre; Demeter with how to tend to a garden; Poseidon gave Pandora a pearl necklace and promised she would never drown; Athena gave her cleverness and curiosity and weaving and crafting, Hermes with his ‘deceitfulness’ (In Hesiod version, Hermes gave her boldness and cunningness specifically). 

So you can imagine that being a descendent/legacy of Pandora, there’s a chance you either have all of Pandora’s attributes or much like being human, they feel more in tune with some aspects and some not so much. Storywise; just as the children of Pandora inherit her legacy and gifts, they are also burdened with Pandora’s legacy in what she had done, forever to carry it as long humanity continues, as well as being plagued or cursed with one of the evils that was released from the pithos. Like being chased or cursed with one of the embodiments of the evils.

I think it does fit somewhat that Mr. D playing a game of Pinochle with the legacy of Pandora since well, its Dionysus, he’s immune to any potential vibe that the child of Pandora may be carrying due their lineage.

FUN FACT: Pandora ends up giving birth to a girl named Pyrrha (Fire) who is the first child born of a mortal mother. Pyrrha marries Deukalion (son of Prometheus) and they end up having many sons and daughters…including a girl named Pandora who is named after the first Pandora.  Leading on with the fun fact, it’s only inevitable that if that every legacy of Pandora who ends up being a born as a girl is cursed to bear the name Pandora as a constant reminder of the First Woman’s legacy. Truly a legacy, but what is a legacy? 

[1mlostnow]

𝐖𝐞𝐥𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞!!

Hi!! I’m Evan! This is Intro Post IV.

- Red text is primary information, things that I’d like to bring attention to, or just things I’d like to elevate above the others

I’m genderfluid, I only use he/him, I don’t have a label but I mostly like guys, and I’m a minor!!! If you’re 18+ feel free to interact but please don’t DM me or send asks.

[spotify] [insta] [wall of text] [tone tags] [ppth staff]

This intro post is incredibly long so I put primary info before the cut ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ I love using those faces

Apologies if the red or the Blinkies are hard on the eyes :<

Other Blogs ⇩

EvanRadio : @evan-radio

Poetry and Writing : @1mfoundnow

House MD [B. Corcoran] : @head-of-forensics

House MD [G. Kramer] : @plastic-surgeon-gabi

Blinkies below the cut and throughout intro :>

Table Of Contents ⇩

1. The Basics

2. Fun Facts

3. My Resume

4. Primary Music

5. Guide To Tags

6. Hobbies

7. Other Media

8. Kinnie List

9. Primary Fandoms

10. Cast List

11. Outro

[ The Basics ]

- I absolutely adore nicknames, feel free to call me anything you want; chances are I’ll be fine with it

- pretty basic DNI -> homophobes, transphobes, racists, xenophobes, proshippers (wincest ಠ_ಠ)

- feel free to interact or spam (the good kind), my notifs are off so you won’t be bothering me at all!! Feel free to do asks or anons as long as yr a minor, I love love love answering asks. I promise I’m not scary, I don’t bite (anymore lol)

- I would prefer it as a personal boundary that you don’t DM me unless you truly deem it fit, those 1 on 1 situations tend to be incredibly uncomfortable for me. If there’s truly something you’d like to speak to me about in private, go for it.

- I love my mutuals to death. Whether we talk every day or haven’t spoken once, ily :)

- I greatly appreciate tone tags!!! There is a list at the top of this intro with a tone tag guide!

- CDT timezone, typically active from 7 AM - 12 AM (this will change to 6-8AM and 5-11PM soon)

[ Fun Facts ] + notes

- my car’s name is TOMATER (all caps)

- im the ninth wonder of the world

- I love doing little drawings

- if you want one just ask (examples at end)

- once again I love love love my mutuals

- Richard Cameron defender for life

- theme changes often

- ADHD & severe social anxiety

- if you ever draw anything for me I’ll love u forever

- The Man Who Would Be King (6x20) is the best SPN episode and nobody can convince me otherwise

- if I don’t respond I swear I’m not ignoring you!! Chances are I said ‘I’ll answer later’ and then forgot—just @ me!!

- if you ever have any corrections for one of my posts (typo, incorrect facts, hurtful language) please please let me know whether it be public or private, as the last thing I’d want to do is upset anybody.

[ My Resume ]

- Professional Ghostbuster, Midwestern Cowboy, Supervillain (for the fits)

- Bug you put in a jar with sticks and leaves and a few holes in the lid so it can breathe kinda guy yk?

- Weird kid and loser for life (I’m happy this way)

- I believe I’m incredibly funny (tell me if I’m not)

- Most sentences have bonus sentences (for the thoughts that didn’t fit into the sentence right)

- hot feral scientist

[ Primary Music ] + fav song by each (‘m basic wtv)

- AJJ -> Getting Naked, Playing With Guns

- Cage The Elephant -> Spiderhead/Halo

- Car Seat Headrest -> Life Worth Missing

- David Bowie -> Rebel Rebel

- Radiohead -> Karma Police

- Seb Lowe -> The Man, The Myth

- The Front Bottoms -> Be Nice To Me / More Than It Hurts You

- The Smiths -> Pretty Girls Make Graves

- Vundabar -> Worn/Wander, Sad Clown

- Will Wood -> Memento Mori

[ Guide to Tags ]

- #evan speaks -> yapping time, applies to majority of my posts

- #evan rants -> I’ve got a lot to talk about!!

- #evan draws -> I draw :3 some art at the end

- #evan can’t vote -> US politics (doesn’t come up that often, but still)

- #evan loves his mutuals -> y’all are my best friends and ily sososo much

[ Hobbies ]

- Occasionally crocheting

- Reading and writing

- I play alto sax in marching band (never rains on the *redacted* 🫡🌧️)

- loveeee art so much, specifically pencil drawing and painting

- idk if music counts as a hobby (listening+playing)

[ Other Media ]

Shows -> Supernatural, Sherlock, House MD, My Babysitters A Vampire (Rory my beloved), Scooby-Doo, Over The Garden Wall

Movies -> Dead Poets Society, Ghostbusters, Velvet Goldmine, The Truman Show, Goonies, Stand By Me, Saw Franchise, IT 2017

Others -> Homestuck, The Secret History, getting into newer classics (highschool english class books tbh), I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream

[ Kinnie List ]

Steven Meeks (DPS), Castiel (SPN), Richie Tozier (IT), Truman Burbank (TTS), Egon Spengler (Ghostbusters), Adam Stanheight (Saw), Henry Winter (TSH), Will Graham (Hannibal)

[ Primary Fandoms ]

Supernatural, Sherlock, Dead Poets Society, Homestuck, Ghostbusters, House MD

[ Cast List ] <- y’all are like my family ily

@pingunaa @ghostboyhood @wordssricochet @poetsinnyc @meekspeaks @midwest-quill @yourfavvgal @alightelixe @lv3buzzz @craicapparition @asclexe @lefthandedspaghetti @notcatseatheadrest @wilsons-three-legged-siamese @de4d-poet-kisser @cherrishnoodles @blakenation1 @desire-mona @prettypinkbubbless @sesamie @hemlocksloadofbull @mighthavebeenmurder @tired-and-bored-nerd @neil-perrys-suicidal-tendencies @sillyhyperfixator

^^ if we ain’t close like that lmk and I’ll take you off dw ♥︎ and if I somehow missed you please please tell me and I’ll fix it right away, there’s some people I was gonna add but I wasn’t sure if we were friends like that yet lol

Outro!!

If you made it to the end of this thank you thank you thank you so much it means the world to me.

I can’t add more photos, so I’ll make and link a separate post with my art, so you can decide if that’s something you’d be interested in!!!

[ art here!! ]

[armand-dearest]

PLEASE be more delusional about tyrobot, genuinely it brings me so so much unbridled joy to see tyrobot on my dash in the year of our lord 2K25, you're the only one I follow who Gets them and I need someone else to be feral about those two so I'm not alone!! most insane ship in the series and I'm so here for it, 11/10

Hehe I've been loving them for almost 10 years at this point, I will forever be delusional about them. My original age gap old man yaoi. They're the blueprint for my Armandaniel obsession tbh, grumpy old man x younger, murderous, unhinged, deranged pretty boy. Hell yeah brother. I'm gonna spam random thoughts / headcanons I have about them now bc I never get to speak about them and I love them so so much 🙏

I just genuinely think the alter Tyrell truly loved was Robot. And I think Robot was the only alter in Elliot's system who actually sincerely cared for Tyrell on some form of human level, beyond seeing him as a tool. Or some grotesque monstrosity to be pitied or reviled. Also, almost every extremely homoerotic scene between "Elliot" and Tyrell was actually between Robot and Tyrell, not Mastermind and Tyrell. I genuinely think most people who think they ship tyrelliot actually ship tyrobot, but don't realise it due to the way the show is filmed with regards to Elliot's DID lmao

Also, it makes me feel INSANE that by the end of his life, Tyrell recognised that Elliot had DID and knew the difference between Mastermind and Robot. He could even tell when they were co-con and spoke to both alters calmly, nothing but acceptance and fondness in his voice. He paid such close attention to them. It makes my heart flutter a bit because dissociative disorders are normally very hidden by design, so for Tyrell to get to the point he knew such intricacies about Elliot's system means he spent so much time analysing every microexpression, every contradiction, every fluctuation.

All this said... These bitches are pathologically unwell and toxic ❤️. Tyrell got on his knees for Robot and pressed Robot's gun to his own temple after barely knowing one another, and never looked back. Even though Robot's avoidant ass constantly gave him the cold shoulder. "I will always be loyal to Elliot" + "I thought you were a God".... Girl. Giiiirl. Tyrell is such a good kicked puppy 🙏

I'm honestly still not over how warm Robot was towards Tyrell in the end. There was something there. Mastermind wanted to leave Tyrell to die alone, it was Robot who wouldn't leave him alone. I love them so much bro 😭. I need to make a playlist for them I think. I already have one for Elliot's system but I don't have one for any of my ships from this show, which is weird for me

Anyway, feel free to ask me about Leon and Mastermind too bc they're my second favourite ship from this show 👉👈

[distortedclouds]

So, I've been wanting to say this for a while now xD (read: months and months).

You may (or may not) have wondered why someone (me lol) has been interacting with you so much on Tumblr all of a sudden, but there's a reason for it.

I've been a long time reader of all the work you've written, but you've never seen me in your AO3 comment section. I also never turned up in your dash here. It's been almost two years that I've been going through crippling depression and the usual other shitty things life throws at us for fun - and I had no energy or will to reopen any of my social media, nor login into my AO3 acc. I love nights but some were so dark and scary that I had severe bouts of insomnia. What did keep me sane however, was your writing. The first work I read was "I'm begging for you to take my hand" and I still remember how much comfort it brought me. Even your crack fics, you meant for them to be crack but I was restless to read them every night after awful days. More recently ofc, BW, ah god, I have so much to say, but that's for the comment section ofc.

In short, thank you so much for all your hard work and serious effort. For me when I look back on the last 1.5 years, I think of lots of unpleasant things but also, the good things and one of them is definitely your AO3 treasure trove. A light at the end of the tunnel for me. A warm blanket that tells me things will be okay. Always will be.

So thank you once again. Everything you've written (and continue to do so) brings me so much happiness and inspiration. Things are so much better for me these days and a big part of why I began to write again is because of you. I'm just waiting for my free time so I can spam you on AO3 haha xD So happy to see you on my dash too!

(ah none of this is sensitive or private info btw haha xD Feel free to post publicly. Everyone should know how beautiful your writing is!)

I've read this message like, half a dozen times already and I still don't know what so say. I know our time on Tumblr is relatively short, but it's always nice to see you on my dashboard, especially after reading your aruani fics and I'm honored to know that I inspired you to write

I'm sorry to hear about the hardships you were going through. Times like that feel like they could go on forever and that there's no light at the end of the tunnel. As much as I'd like to say "it be like that sometimes" I genuinely understand since both reading and writing fanfiction for the past 8ish years has been really healing for me, and I'm glad my work was of help for you. Especially with how feel about night, it can be the most devastating when something that we loved turns against us and becomes a place of fear and anxiety

On a more specific note, learning that "I'm begging for you to take my hand" meant so much to you is kind of making me reconsider and view it in a new light. It was my least favorite and everytime I'd get a Kudos on it and I'd internally scream 'nooooo not this one!! go to my other stuff!!' But yeah, it's already being elevated in my brains as I type this

I think in online fandoms we stress so much that fanfic is 100% self indulgent and that we write only for ourselves but choose to share with other. and while I wholly agree with that viewpoint, but I also think writing (which includes fanfic) is also meant to move others and elicit emotions in them, and I'm truly happy I could provide the same joy and comfort your fics provided for me

I look forward to reading your future works for as long as you're happy to create them and I'm honored to learn that you're anticipating more of mine <3

I promise I'll get around to updating BW soon!!

[kiss-theriot]

just want to say this isn’t a complaint/in the end, i don’t care enough to not write or not post….but i have not had a fic do so poorly in numbers the way ‘my heart, your song’ has.

Act II has been up since Saturday with only 18 notes and a majority of those are likes. not sure if it’s because it’s kaeya and people just don’t enjoy kaeya fic that much? (as i’ve been saying, everybody ‘loves’ kaeya but nobody loves kaeya) or if it’s because it’s so absurdly long? or maybe because most of my followers didn’t follow me for genshin but maybe jujutsu kaisen or my hero academia?

the numbers on Ao3 are crazy, too. and they are for the zhongli one shot especially. ‘god of my hunger’ has over 1k hits but only 100 some kudos.

i’d say it’s disheartening if it was like…going to stop me from writing what i enjoy and sharing it? but at this point, it’s just kind of fascinating/crazy to see such a huge shift in fandom as someone whose been around for like 10+ years. and everyone has been saying this—i’m not new in saying this.

mostly just that it seems like people are reading, but they really truly do not care to leave kudos, comments, etc. truly just consuming.

i also swear i only actually have like maybe 100 active followers and it’s like mostly mutuals and like 5 active followers who don’t just spam like LMAO. like it half feels as if the rest are just empty bots?

it’s been ever more apparent to me how capitalism has really sunk its teeth into fandom spaces in ways i don’t think we saw as much in the past? or perhaps i was naive to? but lately, for me at least, i have never felt the divide between writer/reader or content creator vs consumer more than i have recently. like in the last like 3 fics i’ve posted specifically.

and maybe part of it is my own fault with engagement? i definitely could be on more and try and interact more with others/be better about not just posting fic and basically leaving LMAO. i also could be better about reading and reblogging for sure too. i’m not like faultless in this, you know?

but it’s also just so apparent to me lately, how disheartening fandom can be and i don’t mean this in the usual sense that people do but like—

it hasn’t sucked the fun out of it for me in the “what’s even the point of this if no one is going to like/comment/reblog/leave kudos/etc.??” way, but it is certainly taking a toll on me in the, “capitalism is inescapable and ever-growing and festering. even spaces, like fandom, for all intents and purposes, that seem to go against the very idea of capitalism (creating content for free, for enjoyments-sake), will still be strangled by it. you will forever feel and see it’s effects” way.

you know? lol

[mannatea]

And since the collections + FE100 section got too long, I'll talk about the standalone stories here (and then you will be free of my blathering)(for a while)(but not forever).

These are such a mixed bag and I obviously won't talk about every single one (though if you remember something fondly and want my opinion on how it aged/if it'll be rewritten, feel free to ask), but I have a lot of thoughts and opinions, so it's under a cut to spare your dashboards.

Truly, I feel blessed that so many fics held up well enough that I feel like I can save them. I...did not expect that. I thought I'd find mayyyybe 100 'fics worthy of working on, not more than double that.

Let's start with the chaptered 'fics since there aren't very many of them.

More Than Words, aka "The Story I Completely Forgot I Wrote" from 2013. It's almost 48,000 words long and a Hector/Farina 'fic that takes place 14 years after the game. I don't think this requires extensive rewriting but it does need some work (mostly with repetition and cutting out unnecessary excess). I was surprised to see how popular it was, but chaptered 'fics were never very popular in FE fandoms in general, nor were they often finished. That I finished this one surprised me GREATLY. I used to joke about having a mental break, because I broke up with my boyfriend that year (now husband!), but I had no idea the year was so bad I'd also blocked out like, everything I did that year, including a ton of fanfiction. Weird, how the mind works. Or doesn't.

Push, aka "The Childbirth Story I Left on a Cliffhanger Since 2010." This just needs one more chapter and I have NO IDEA where I was originally going with this, but...fuck it, we ball. (And also, I can do this so much justice now that I unfortunately know far more about childbirth ahahahhahahahha.)

Improvisation, aka "The Rewrite of That Shitty College AU Fic." Why is this here? Well, I made myself read both versions (RIP but that old one sucked so much ass) and this rewrite was actually (dare I say it) FUN? I doubt this gets rewritten in the next five years, but I think if I planned out just a few chapters, I could tell a really nice story without it being bogged down by, you know, me not planning it.

Noble Lady of Caelin, aka "The Year In Between" fic. UM. This was originally supposed to be a long, detailed fic detailing Lyn's first year in Caelin, featuring the expected ensemble cast of Kent, Sain, Florina, and Wil. Fun idea, but somewhat lacking in romance or story direction, due to it just being a year of Lyn suffering court in Caelin (and, judging by her supports, getting kind of beaten down by it). I think this concept is fun, and I made it 12,000 words into this, but I think I'd prefer to rewrite this as a longish oneshot or very short chaptered fic.

Soliloquy, aka "Lyn Battles Alcoholism." Mannnn, I spent years embarrassed by this story. It was a story I put a lot of myself into, but that's the problem, isn't it? I spent the years since it was written (all in one day, on 9/28/2010) and posted (done posting chapters in 2011) worried that it was somehow cringe. Someone actually emailed me to specifically request the file for this 'fic, and all the comments I received on it were overwhelmingly positive, but I couldn't shake my fear of the contents of this story and what I would see of my younger self when I reread it. But when I reread it, IT WAS GOOD? There were just so many lines that I was spamming Sara with in Discord yelling, "I wrote this?!?! IN 2010?!?!?!" This was a very short story (under 9,500 words long), split into 12 chapters that I posted over three months. People hated those short chapters until they got to the end and saw how intentional that choice was—to mimic the flow of time, to make the reader feel like they were a victim of the same things Kent and Sain were in this story. I could have chosen to write something tens of thousands of words long for this...but I didn't, and I cannot explain how much this felt like the right choice and helped the emotional beats really hit hard. I really, really want to rewrite this one.

And that's all the chaptered 'fics that made it. Which isn't really saying much; I started a lot of chaptered stories that I never finished, and in fact had several chapters of a few that I never even posted. (I guess I eventually learned my lesson about posting as I write. Or at least, I learned my lesson about not PLANNING THINGS OUT.

Onto the oneshots, now. :)

Crazy, a Hector/Farina fic sitting at nearly 10,000 words long that I very nearly put on the do-not-rewrite pile, but I think I can save it by cutting the word count in half.

Not Just For Show, a Kent/Lyn + Sain humor fic where Sain scolds Kent instead of the other way around for once. (What's not just for show, you might ask? Kent's dick. NEXT QUESTION.)

The Legend of the Royal Hart, a Pent/Louise "How They Met" fic that blew me away with how genuinely heartfelt and good it was...despite being written in 2011! I thought the "legend" would be stupid as fuck but it wasn't. I'm literally shook to my core at how much I liked this (and how little I remembered of it).

Everything Changes, a Kent/Lyn 'fic where Kent is faced with the choice to leave for Sacae with Lyn or stay in Caelin and the choice actually isn't easy. I wrote this in 2011 and had no idea that I'd ever be faced with this same kind of choice myself, but now that I have done it, I have the capability of writing this story the way it deserves.

So Close, which you'd think is a songfic for the song So Close by Jon McLaughlin, but no. It's actually a story where Niime tells Hugh how his parents died. The subtlety of Niime's care for Hugh comes across sOOOOO well in this, and by the end of the story you understand what it is, but I think some readers missed it. Middle of this story gets bogged down a bit, but I expected this to be completely unsalvageable, and so was surprised that it made me feel something genuine.

Pride of Ostia, a short Hector + Oswin fic that needs a lot of work because the first half is nonsensical, but the second half of this was so good it's worth the effort.

Dandelion Promise, a Sain/Fiora with a very solid foundation of "night before the final battle" as the premise.

After Life, a Kent/Lyn 'fic where the foundation of the story is Kent and Lyn's very different outlooks on death and the afterlife and how this affects their relationship/fears for that afterlife in Kent's case, since Elibe feels so Goddamn Catholic and he'd be afraid of being separated from Lyn there. This has nonlinear storytelling which worked in a reread (?!?) and ends with no "answer" given, but Kent ultimately choosing to fulfill Lyn's customs according to her wishes after her death. The writing wasn't super solid but the ideas presented here were.

Talrega's Respect, a Jill/Haar fic based on the prompt "woman king." I remembered this being well-liked, but when I reread it, it was such a nothingsauce 'fic. I feel like with a little more "meat" to it, this 'fic is salvageable, though. The idea of Jill leading Talrega by working alongside her people, rather than strictly ruling over them, was very striking.

All Along, a Haar/Jill 'fic that I was scared to reread, but it's actually fine? I feel like commenters were right in that it felt a bit like a scene or two should be added toward the middle of the story, but I think this is worthy of a rewrite for sure.

A Spot of Tea, a Mist, Rolf, Shinon 'fic that I was DREADING reading but it was actually adorable and delightful.

The Artist's Muse, a Forde/Eirika 'fic that I thought might suck but for being only 369 was quite sweet.

Grounded, a 4,500 word long Haar/Jill fic THAT WAS TOLD IN OMNISCIENT THIRD PERSON. HUHHHHH? I thought for sure it wasn't intentional, but the entire 'fic is written that way, so I must have put the effort in. WHEN I TELL YOU I WAS SHOCKED. It's a cute story told this way, too.

Long Distance Call, a modern AU Haar/Jill that's pretty cute. I feel like it just needs some tweaking, which isn't common with most of these.

If Words, a Shiharam-centric 'fic that also features Haar and Jill, and...yep, is meant to be thought of alongside the song Time in a Bottle. This is one of the easiest rewrites on the list because the story manages to be very good and emotional without ever feeling over-the-top...all the way back from 2011.

Team Players. Renault and the bros watch the game. This is a fucking 430 word long disaster that feels impossible to follow, but the pun at the end of the fucking story means I have to rewrite it. I got there and I was like sensiblechuckle.png

Some 'Splainin To Do, uhhh this was a kink meme fill from Livejournal's FE Kink Meme! Uhhh it needs a lot of work. But it's kind of a funny idea.

Common Ground, the fuckin'.... Great Depression Ephidel/Limstella fic. Shut up, I know it's stupid. But it's also ICONIQUE. And honestly with a few updates I feel like this would be a solidly nice story.

Something Nice, a Makalov + Marcia fic? Was surprised this was as decent as it was, and it needs to be rewritten because...who else writes about Makalov?

Meaning of the Word 'Fun', a modern day Seth/Eirika fic that I thought for sure would suck ass, but...was...very...cute??? HUH?

Rescue Mission, a Wallace/Vaida "fairytale" for the Mary Sue/Gary Stu over at FE_Contest on Livejournal. UM. Somehow this managed to be an insanely fun and solid, GOOD STORY. WHY DID I THINK IT WAS CRINGE?

Royal Pain, which I expected to be cringe, too, but it was like, a very very cute and silly/lighthearted Eliwood/Ninian fic instead.

With a Smile, a Frey-centric fic from FE11. Ummmm it held up very well.

Edge of Reality, a Florina/Mark crackship ass fic but...it's very charming and fun. Somehow. And it's not what you think it is.

Bearing the Yoke of Sacrifice, a Kent/Lyn Bodyguard AU fic where I thought it'd be funny to make Lyn's mother an actress with the stage name Madelyn Monroe. BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. But okay, other than that cringe, and the fact that this definitely needs extensive rewriting, this was actually quite a charming story.

Something Worth Worrying About, an answer to the Kent/Lyn Circle's "Poison" challenge that is over 10,000 words long. But it's a good time.

By Candlelight, a 'fic where Lyn practices writing her letters in the library when she can't sleep and Kent is on patrol and runs into her. Very cute. I was surprised at how decent it was.

Overriding Orders, a Hector/Florina where Florina tells Hector to STFU. It needs a lot of work but like, I liked it.

Victory in Surrender, a Serra + Florina fic!

Differences, a Wil + Lyn fic that wins a prize for the worst summary I might have ever written. The story needs a HEAVY rewrite but the concept of Lyn being homesick and not understanding why Wil would stay away from his family is really good.

In the Silence, an understated Sain/Fiora tragedy fic. I can do this so much more justice now.

Observations, an Innes/Vanessa fic (GASP, I know). Pretty sure I wrote this for Mark back in the day. Anyway, it needs some work but the concept in general is still pretty cute.

A Woman Lost. I was bored re-reading this fic about Isadora, but it got a lot of compliments back in the day so it's probably worth me retooling.

Men of the Sea, a Fargus fic...but man, it needs a lot of work.

Written in the Dust, a Kent/Lyn + their young son "drought strikes Sacae" fic. I had people guess what my inspiration was and nobody guessed correctly. Hilarious. Anyway, I couldn't believe this was only 2500 words long, and on a reread I liked the ideas behind the story and even the story itself, but this is a weird case of me feeling like this needed to be twice as long to really sell the ending as meaningful and emotional...but not the end of the characters' suffering.

Music of the Spheres, a Kent/Lyn that is pretty old (2009) and therefore needs work, but managed to be very gentle and romantic/sweet.

Won't Let Go, a genderswapped Kent/Lyn where I was a coward and didn't use names, but I'd probably just change Lyn to Lin and Kent to Kate. EZ. I was fully prepared to hate this, because I never loved genderswapped fics, but I wrote this for someone else and frankly? It was fun. The dynamic between the characters feels just as unique when the genders are flipped.

The Loudmouth Lord and the Shy Pegasus Knight, which is "Hector/Florina told as a fairytale in FE8 by Seth to a young Eirika" fic. I was SHOOK at how cute and fun/silly this was. Very charming.

Her Men, a post-game Lyn-centric fic focusing on the Caelin Knights returning from putting down bandits in the area, featuring Kent and Sain. Great characterization in this one, and I think if it was cleaned up it would be one of the finest tragedy fics in the fandom. Truly.

How Forever Feels, the Kent/Lyn 50 sentences fic (for the 1sentence community on LJ). I was surprised that this was pretty decent, but I need to either adjust the sentences to be shorter or I need to shrug off the original challenge this story was mimicking to make it flow better.

Compromise, a Sain/Florina 50 sentences fic. A surprisingly excellent story, somehow, despite being written in 2008.

Time After Time, a Hector/Farina 50 sentences fic. This one isn't as good as the previous two, but it oculd be saved.

Definition of a Family, a Kent origin story fic that sits at 18,000 words. Uhhh. It's not a good story. I still can't decide if it's worth rewriting, or just tossing into the trash to write an entirely new story.

Loneliness, a Lyn + Sain 'fic where both of them have lost their spouses and they kind of connect a bit. I think what this story is missing is the distance that I showcased in The Bravest between Lyn and Eliwood, and details of their lives apart that are meaningful to them, like the letters that Kent sent to Sain and if either of them had children, and who Sain married, etc etc. Then I think this could be a deeply meaningful story.

Failure, a Kent/Lyn tragedy fic that I ACTUALLY THINK SHOULD NOT END IN TRAGEDY. Wild. I feel like if I double the word count of this and put some meat in there, it being more of a "close call" fic that Kent thinks will end in failure makes for a much better and more compelling story. The tragic ending was so boring.

Just for You, an Eliwood story where he makes a choice at the Dragon's Gate. UGHHH, a whole scene needs chopped from this but it's a good story without that in it.

Not the Same, a Gerome/Lucina fic (sort of? Not very romantic, but it's tender enough) that kind of touches on how their interference in the past prevents their past!parents from ever becoming the same people their future!parents were.

No Reservations, a Haar/Jill 'fic I wrote for Krad for the FE Exchange the one singular year it was hosted on Tumblr. This is very much a "logic dictates we should get married" type of 'fic where both characters feel very ace and/or fine with a Marriage of Convenience, and I like it, but I think I'd adjust that a little bit to help the story flow better.

Sometimes Words, a Hector/Farina + Eliwood/Ninian story where Farina dies in the final battle and Hector wrestles with losing the person he was just starting to love while he watches Eliwood get the person he loves back. Needs pared back a bit but it's a good story.

Wary, a Frederick/Cordelia fic where the "surprise" at the end is that they're getting married in the morning but it's a cute romcom type of story.

You're Still You, a Kent/Lyn told in vile, vile first person but FIRST PERSON DOES WORK VERY WELL HERE FOR SOME REASON. I'd try to rewrite it in third, though.

Something Else, a kind of sadder/unromantic Frederick/Cordelia (featuring Sully) Bad!Future fic. Honestly? I liked it.

Sandwiches, a Virion/Sully + Kjelle family fic. It needs some serious editing but I really liked how Kjelle thinks about how this young Virion and Sully were how her parents acted before thing turned rotten and made them different, and how tragedy and loss and trauma affects people, which makes her more sympathetic for how her actual mother trained her like a warrior to show her she loved her and her father complimented her trying to ensure she felt loved even when he felt empty and lost and it made his words seem insincere.

It was a real fun time to blast through all of my old stories, but even better than that was knowing instinctively what was worth saving and why, sometimes even early into reading a 'fic. Like there were a couple I ditched 2 paragraphs in because I couldn't stand them, or that I had to skim because they were so nothingsauce. But a lot of these were just really a product of the time in which they were written, and my low skill. I was surprised to see 'fics from 2007 that I felt were worth my time, and quite a few fics from 2010 or later that just...weren't.

Maybe the biggest surprise to me was how much the summary probably affected the popularity of what I wrote. I wrote a LOT OF STUFF, so people could pick and choose what they read from me (I mean, they always could, but when I was posting multiple fics a week and sometimes uploading 5 or 6 at once, people did often "pick" only one or two to read). Inevitably then, 'fics with awful summaries did poorly, even if the actual story was okay.

Anyway, back to outlining my longfic. ;P And rewriting old 'fics at work, probably.

I have finished reading every single one of my old FE fics (except that old FE7 college AU, but we don't talk about that). 🎉

Here are the numbers and some thoughts!

Standalone one-shots/chaptered fics: 139 yes || 68 no

FE100 stories: 51 yes || 3 no

Collections stories: 65 yes || 4 no

GRAND TOTAL: 255 to be rewritten || 75 fics that will never see the light of dawn again

Let's talk about the fics that will rot on my hard drive and die with me, or at least with everyone who knows how to use the wayback machine well enough to get them back again. :P

I didn't really have any specific criterion for determining what 'fics deserve saving vs. being buried alive. It was mostly a vibe check, though. Like, was the idea tolerable? Was it well-written? Was there anything about it worth the effort it would take to save?

Let's look at the collections stories first.

Lutte contre l'incendie #4 was "kind of cringe with some pairing bias." This is truly saying something, because this is a Kent/Lyn collection and, as all of you know already, my biggest and oldest OTP. I promise I am not being unfair to this story. It was cringe, and the story felt more like a shit-tier ship manifesto than it did an actual story. Could I save it? No. The point of the story was the issue.

Lutte contre l'incendie #10 was attempting to tackle the theme of jealousy, which I think is fine as a concept—and interesting to write about with regards to Kent specifically. It was poorly done in this story and I could 100% fix it and write something better using the same theme, but there are better stories I could be writing with that theme in mind, so I'm not going to invest myself in trying to fix a 500 word little thing.

Pour l'amour #1 was "boring" and felt unfinished. It was 117 words long, so the whole thing is pointless and I don't think worth the effort to re-do in any capacity.

Love is a Flower #1 was "kind of meh" but was attempting to tackle something with Brendan, Sonia, and Nino. It's 100% salvageable, but the last time I took the time to rewrite a story about Nino and Sonia, despite it being popular when it was first written, it was largely ignored as a rewrite. No thank you; I have better things to do with my time than rewrite something that not only do I not find terribly exciting, but that nobody else does, either.

--

Moving on to the FE100 stories...

#52: conquer, was a Kent/Lyn fic that would have been fun and maybe cute about ANY OTHER CHARACTER SET, but felt ooc and weird for the characters involved. Low-key this was a 'fic I have spent the last decade or more deeply ashamed of, so I was relieved to see that, even though the writing itself was solid, I was right to have spent so much time embarrassed by it. I'm sure I'll keep this as a Kent/Lyn prompt, but just write it about something else (if I ever get around to it). Like, when the premise is OOC it's not really salvageable in the way rewrites usually are.*

#62: unreachable thoughts, was a first-person fic from the perspective of...the Mani Katti. Yep. I literally can't with this.

#99: advent of peace, was ALSO a Kent/Lyn fic (sort of?) where they fall when Bern attacks Sacae, but it's not a very good story and is in Kent's POV after Lyn has already died and he's had a limb amputated to try to save his life (and he's in a terrible mental state). You might think I'm being too hard on this one, but I wrote a lot of shitty tragedy back in the day, and only a few were actually good or interesting; this wasn't one of them, and no part of me thinks this is worth the time to save. (Maybe if you remember this piece, you'll disagree.)

--

*I've had a few rewrites that I've had to truly rewrite, like, from the ground up:

If It Takes a Lifetime (what if the characters survived their canon deaths and then died in a more tragic manner?)

A Rose Is a Rose Is a Rose (secret admirer leaves flowers and is found out at the end)

Luck of the Draw (Mark just got lucky/everyone died in his lifetime anyway + reverse chronology)

Making It Better (silly adventure to find out who is stealing from Caelin Castle's larder)

Waiting for the Rain (Lyn gives Kent one last chance to change his mind as they enter Sacae)

In all of these instances the plot/concept was fine. As a quick example, when I originally wrote "If It Takes a Lifetime", I lacked the skill necessary to showcase the vision I was trying to present. In rewriting it, I adopted the metaphorical tone of the manga, wrote emotional scenes naturally (rather than in a way where I was begging the reader to feel something), and fixed the ending to read as being more in character. But the core idea was still really good and particularly meaningful to me.

However when even the idea behind the story is bad, it can't really be rewritten or considered a rewrite; at that point, if I "redo it", I'm just writing an entirely new story.

--

For my generally large collection of fanfics, uhh...well. I'm not sure where to start with these.

68 stories flung into the dumpster feels like a lot, but I think some of you will just have to trust me that these stories should never see daylight again.

Let's talk about a chunk of them anyway.

Secrets: a fic about Soren's love for pie? No clue why I never posted this, but as you might expect, it was stupid and not that funny.

Indulgence: written for Indulgence Day 2010 and then never posted for some reason. It's a Kent/Lyn fic, it's 2,027 words long, and it's pretty stupid.

(Untitled): One-sided Innes/Eirika where I'm pretty sure he was going to tell her he loved her the day before or day of her wedding to someone else. What I have written of this is actually pretty good, but it's not enough to make me feel positive about finishing it.

Apples: A Serra/Lucius 50-sentences fic that I got 6 sentences into. Not bad but I've no faith in being able to finish this while making it as good as the other 50-sentences fics I did.

Always: a pegasus sisters + robot unicorn attack AU? I didn't actually reread this one, but I don't think the joke being made with it holds up well enough to make it worth my time.

To Have and To Hold: generally very cute modern AU Kent/Lyn fic where he's trying to figure out how to propose to her. This is from 2010, but I don't think it's worth the effort to fix and finish.

The Broken Road: I finished five chapters of this, none of which were posted. It wasn't the first novelization attempt I did, but it was the one I spent the most time on. I went balls-to-the-wall with this one, starting the story well before Lyn meets Mark and getting characters like Serra and Erk where they would need to be for the main story. I just don't have gas in the tank to take this monster of a project on again—and novelizations that don't do anything truly new or interesting bore me, anyway.

Shades of Grey: SHUT UP THIS IS FROM 2008!!! This is the Lyn-gets-poisoned-while-ruling-Caelin 'fic. The only reason this one won't be touched again is because I actually RP'd a FAR SUPERIOR version of this story out with someone and if I'm going to edit the shit out of something to post, it will be the thing we actually finished. :P

Lullaby: Modern AU that rotated first person POVs. Die die die.

Equine Intervention: Story told from the perspective of all of the army's animals. Cringgggeeee.

Deux Flèches: Florina plays cupid story that never went anywhere but was a very cute concept.

And Life Was Changed—Disassembled, Rearranged: Hector and Farina are fuckbuddies and she gets pregnant. Um. I cannot touch this story in our current social climate tbh.

Multiple parodies or stories-that-are-mimicking-jokes (but they suck for some reason) x10 or so. Also trollfics of which I did several. One of these was in VERY BAD TASTE. (iykyk)

Several fics that just aren't good but were trying to be Different and Unique and were only popular/well-reviewed because they seemed novel to readers. Like "Lift" a Serra + Rath fic, "Right vs Wrong" a Hector/Ninian ficlet, and "Erring on the Side of Caution", an Oswin/Fiora fic.

Unwavering Devotion: dogshit story that I'm pretty sure was supposed to be a longfic where Kent follows Lyn to Ostia when she marries Hector and some years later runs away with her or something? Terrible story.

Melodramatic garbage, including several Matthew/Leila fics, several Kent/Lyn fics, and several fics about Sain for some reason.

The World: a fic centering on Hector, Eliwood, and Lyn that's really bad and...maybe OOC? Hector's really mean in this, too, for some reason.

Looking for a Little Canon in D: the dreaded college AU fic. This was rewritten once already under "Improvisation" and it didn't get anywhere. I just hate that this ever existed. I'm sure it's trash but I can't bring myself to reread it.

Several boring/uninspired nothingsauce ideas, like a Zephiel + Guinivere fic called "Faux Fox", an Eliwood + Florina fic called "Blessed Quietness", and a Seth/Eirika called "Between the Lines."

All About Us: the infamous Lyn Marries Erik of Laus fic. Just like the Lyn-gets-poisoned fic, this one was RP'd almost to completion some years ago, so if I put effort into editing, it will be the RP, not my original attempt at the story.

Everyone Loves Soren: a humor/parody fic that I wrote that was going to be a Soren/Everyone But Ike fic, mostly to poke fun at the fans who seemed fine pairing Soren with literally anyone but Ike, despite the way the game treats the ship.

Shitty Valter Fic that I am embarrassed I ever wrote.

a 362-word-long 1950s AU drabble about Geoffrey, Elincia, Lucia, and Bastian as children. WTF? no

Friday. The summary reads as follows: Some people "got down" on Friday, but not Soren. He was too busy." And you might be thinking, that sounds kind of funny even if it is a dated joke—but no. It was boring.

And So It Goes: two part fic where Kent gets le sad being steward of Caelin and goes out to Sacae to find Lyn. Cool idea, but it's old so it needs a lot of work, and I'm going to steal the title for a different story I've outlined that I partially RP'd out some years ago that fits better (where Lyn leaves Caelin very suddenly and Kent becomes steward in the aftermath of that--and five years later she returns to Caelin).

There are others, of course, but that's most of them. I feel pretty confident that almost everything on this list isn't worth the time and effort it would take to save. But maybe you disagree!

--

i'll go over the good fics in another post lol. this is too long haha.

[inbarfink]

Alrighty, now here’s a question that has been stirring in my mind for a while now...

Do Darkners have SOULs?

A while ago I might’ve been like “Well, yeah, obviously. As we’ve seen with the story of Flowey in Undertale, SOULs are the source of love, compassion and kindness in the Toby Fox Video Game Multiverse. Darkners are obviously capable of feeling these emotions, so they have some sort of SOUL.”

(Also just for the sake of clarity, I know the worlds of Deltarune and Undertale are not the same. However, since there does seem to be some connection, I’m making this post under the assumption that the two worlds do at least share the same basic underlying laws of phsyics and metaphysics.)

Anyways, yeah, if we were to go by the rules established by the story of Asriel “Flowey” Dreemurr back in Undertale, obviously the Darkners should all have SOULs, right? 

But... maybe not? I’ve gone over it in a different post, but despite what Flowey says, there does seem to be instances of him displaying kindness and compassion even in his SOUL-less state (pleading with the Player/Chara to not ruin Frisk’s happy ending, the whole story about giving Toriel a glass of water in the Alarm Clock Thingie). Plus with both games reiterating that everything we know about SOULs is in-universe speculation: 

I think it’s not impossible that Flowey was misidentifying his problem (which is mostly that he was a traumatized emotionally-numb child stuck with god-like timebending powers and the belief he’s incapable of feeling love) and that SOULs actually have a totally different function. 

Now, we hop into Deltarune and think about the encounter with Spamton:

Spamton seems to be interested in their SOUL pretty much as soon as he saw that they are a Lightner (although he might have become more interested when he saw it’s a Human SOUL spesifically?). The wording seems to connect the ‘Light’ of the Lightners with their [[HeartShapedObject]], AKA their SOULs. And we know that Spamton believes that Kris’ SOUL is what would allow him to become [[BIG]] or in other words, ‘free’. 

And ‘Light’ is equated with ‘Hope’ in Deltarune, which can be just another word for...

And Queen defines it as a trait of Lightners. Humans might be more Determined than Monsters, but it seems like both of them have much more Determination than any Darkner. And that, of course, connect to the idea that Lightners seem to have a lot more Free Will right now. Of course, no one can truly choose who they are in this world, but Lightners seem to have a bit more agency in general - while Darkners are tied in with their ‘purpose’ of making Lightners happy, and the way they represent concepts and physical objects in the real world. 

(As in, how much of Queen’s personality is a result of her own life choices and how much is because she’s obviously a stand-in for Noelle’s mother? Did Spamton ever had a chance to truly improve his salesmanship, considering he is a representation of Spam E-Mail?)

In Undertale, Alphys calls “Determination” two things, it’s the “the will to keep living”, which obviously connects to how Determination powers SAVEs. And also “the resolve to change fate”, which connect with the power of RESETs, but also I think with the ability to change who and what you are. This is what Spamton wanted when he wanted after Kris’ SOUL, right? To change his fate from being forever doomed to trash beings and spam folders and become a true [[Big Shot]]? He wanted Determination, from a Lightner’s SOUL.

And there’s two things Deltarune keeps repeating when it comes to SOULs, the first is the connection to Compassion which has been carried over from Undertale, and the second is a big empahsis on the subject of ‘Will’ (which again, Queen literally says is just another name for Determination):

Also, while the book is worded in a not-definitive way (”even now, the true function of it is unknown”), I do think it’s curious to pay attention to the difference between “font” and “source”. Both words can mean ‘where something came from’, but “font” can also be a container rather than an origin point:

So maybe we can take this to mean that the SOUL does contain kindess and love but you can still have kindness and love without a SOUL just in a Different Way? But that it IS where Will/Determination comes from? Your free will/Determination is the thing you would normally lack without a SOUL? But it’s just that we couldn’t notice it before cause our only example of a SOUL-less being in the Toby Fox Video Game Multiverse has become an artifical source of Determination all on his own so he’s obviously an exception?

Is the SOUL just the thing that gives Lightners more Narrative Agency than Darkners?

This would obviously put Kris in a very precarious position. The part of their mind that’s supposed to allow them some amount of Free Will is being controlled right now and robbing them of that Free Will. But they can’t just rip it out and live without it because it doesn’t just contain their Life-Force, but also their personal will and agency. They can only truly have Free Will for short period of times while SOUL-less but still retaining some Determination in their body, and it’s otherwise a real no-win scenario.

That also kinda puts Flowey’s whole being in a new light, or should I say Light. Cause Flowey really is, more than most “Lightners” in the Toby Fox Video Game Multiverse, really a Light-Equivelent to Darkners. He’s an object given consciousness and life by consentrated Light rather than by the Dark. 

(of course, this is all just very vauge speculation right now, all of my evidence is very circumstantial. All I can really say for sure is that I would want to REALLY pay attention about what is said about SOULs in the upcoming chapters of Deltarune, and espacially in relation to Darkners. Cause right now we can’t be sure if they even have those at all) 

[strawberry-nugget]

𝙈𝙤𝙤𝙙 𝙈𝙪𝙨𝙞𝙘 | E.Kirishima x Reader

Pairing: Kirishima/ reader, Bakugo/ reader (mentioned)

Summary: You shouldn't want him and he shouldn't want you, it's sinful and forbidden. But he can't help coming back to you, and you can't do anything but take him in every single time. Until today that is.

Word Count: 3.6k

Warnings: Aged up characters (twenties), NSFW 18+, plot with some p//rn but it's not very detailed, unprotected sex (please use condoms everyone), cheating, casual penetrative sex, jealousy, the seggz is pretty vanilla though

↪A/N: tennis player Kirishima, tennis player Kirishima, idk how I came up with it but I can't get it out of my head, written for @doinmybesthere 's 3k event collab and based on The Hills by the Weeknd, don't be shy to tell me if you liked it, I almost wrote 4k in a day which is unusual for me

5.30pm [Missed Call: Red]

5.31pm [Missed Calls(2): Red]

The bubbling notifications are spamming your phone, each call, succeeding the other in persistence and length, making your phone crawl onto your coffee table in restless buzzing. To your salvation the device is on silent; you're just unable to bear the overwhelming sound of your ringtone echo through the empty walls of your apartment, to let it bounce between concrete like a slimy ball, only for it to hit you on the face with tremendous force.

It's one of those days that you can't answer Kirishima. Too perplexed in the wields of your mind, blaming yourself for this horrendous situation, delivering raw swears at him for simply existing.

You don't know how it came to this nor when was the exact moment things switched. Was it at the party that you met him? Or the thousandth time you took him in and let him ruin relationship after relationship. Either way it was horrible for not only you, but also him, and all the people that have been caught up in the sidelines of this rotten affair.

You shouldn't want this anymore and truly, you don't. You're tired of being the second choice, of hiding behind your little finger, crying yourself to sleep at night, only to put on a sultry face for every time he comes. Once, twice a month.

[New Messages: Red]

Babe, you there?

Read 5.38pm

[New Messages: Red]

Babe I got practice at 8.

I know you're reading those.

Read 5.39pm

[Red is typing…]

[New Messages: Red]

I'm outside btw

A fresh, tremendously sharp wave of anxiety rushes through you at the little notification -it can't be like this again, not today. The thudder in your chest is unbearable, heart too weak to stomach the weight of your decision, fingers too reluctant to type out your response.

He's probably smirking while staring at his phone, not a single care in his head. It's loathing to your mind as you confirm your speculation, shooting a glance out of your window, landing your eyes on his car.

He shouldn't be here.

His thousands dollar car doesn't belong in your urban street, not in your side of the town. And it's so dangerous that he's doing this to see you. You've played the worst scenarios in your head a thousand times, millions of headlines on sites and the news about this; Eijirou Kirishima, on his way to claiming a fifth Grand Slam, caught in affair with university student.

Atrocious, degrading, exposing. A hit to his career that would bother the media for a couple of weeks and paint your name in mud along the way.

Why can't he just be content with the model that he's with? You're nothing like her, not as pretty and you don't have her body, you don't have her face, but he still says he finds you better, says he knows you better, but he just can't be with you.

[You]

Can't do it today

Sorry

You're good to yourself, only when you deny him and only when you feel the satisfaction of being the one to do so. It's pointless to sulk over saying no. He can go fuck other girls, play with their hearts and leave you to your otherwise peaceful life. Even if it is just for today.

You don't have the chance to let a smile creep to your face when your doorbell rings. The jiggling sound bursts into your eardrums once and twice, three dreaded times and they're enough to make your stomach churn, your neck tight and your skin ache.

You contemplate on opening the door for him, subconsciously letting yourself feel like a vulnerable prey, who, after running away to save yourself, is choosing to walk into the wolf's den, so willingly that you can feel yourself drifting away with each step you're taking towards the door.

"Babe,"

The swing of your door handle, the crack of your wrist, the creaking of your door as it opens to reveal him; they're all embarrassing. You can't tell if they fall short on his ears, too caught up in the way he looks -all swollen muscles and tall legs. You're running out of courage to say no and he knows this.

He's not as innocent as this cheeky smile frames him out to be, he's not the sweetheart everyone wants him to be either.

He's Eijirou, who's selfishly standing on your door, who's barging his way in your apartment, who's grabbing your cheeks and slamming your face in his, biting your lips until he draws blood, just to punish you for standing up against him.

Your door is slammed behind him, one bend of his knee and it's falling into its rightful place. To shield the sins of your affair, to bring you comfort and privacy as he attacks parts of your neck, your chest. Places that only squeeze perfectly under his touch.

"Babe," He calls again, in between soft kisses. "What's gotten into you?"

You frown and try to look away, past his cocoa colored orbs, past the swelling that's taking over his lips -and yours- with a numbing, tingling sensation.

"Eijirou—"

"I don't have much time in between training, I got a game the day after tomorrow."

It's always like this, you know. He doesn't have to tell you twice or try to excuse his own self for what he does or how he acts. You're pushed between schedules, or slammed into his timetable like a truck when he feels like indulging with you again, hidden between the lines of his free time.

You're sure at this point that it's the thrill he's after. The sinful taste of your lips on his, how he feels in control while chasing after you, when you can't keep up with him.

His lips don't taste like sour cherry anymore, but you let them wiggle against yours with triumph, you let him want to catch his breath as he pulls back and you put the minimum effort in returning the passion you receive.

You pull back, ignoring the words he's whispering against your face, only to take in his features once again.

Soft black hair pulled into a low ponytail, spiky bangs that fly all over his face and his tips drowned in a fiery, foxy red. The only reminder for who he was before his tennis career blew up. For who he was before he turned into this cocky womanizer whom you're desperately after with a longing heart.

"I'm just not in the mood today."

"Well let's get you in the mood then huh?"

He smiles, nose scrunching and chapped lips hiding behind his gums as his hand moves to your thigh, tagging your shorts with furry. As if he's desperate to have you, right here and now. As if bending you over the couch will help put out a fire in him. That's how he always convinces you to keep this going.

He's making you feel like not having you this way is insufferable.

You're buried in the crook of his neck while being pushed onto the couch, nibbling a soft spot that you've found, rubbing his skin on the top of your tongue. You know how to do this without leaving a mark, you can hold back from wanting to take all you can get from him.

But today it's different. It's going to be the last time.

It's not like any other time you've told yourself that you are going to end this. Today you're going to leave a mark, you're going to bite your way into his skin and drink from his poison -the intimate attention he's only ever willing to give- and you'll get drunk in it.

"Fuck," He grunts against your lips. "Fuck, don't stop that feels good."

You don't stop, eager to listen to him, to breathe into his neck before you wrap your lips a little lower and closer to his collarbone. You should be asking if this will cause him problems, but gone is the guilt that veils your coinsense otherwise. You suckle on a spot and then another, stealing his groaning moans one by one as they fall from his lips, plushing them softly in a spongy part of your brain, where they can rest forever, until you've forgotten them.

"Get your shirt off Eijirou," You plea, ogling eyes watering from the pressure that's applied in the apex of your thighs and he's quick to follow your command, lips curling upwards in a sweetheart smirk.

You're going to miss the way the apples of his cheeks cover his eyes when he smiles like this. But there's no going back for you and him.

With legs that feel like burning rubber you hug around his horse, watching the way his muscles flex and fold with his snappy movements. His shirt, tousled and wrinkly, tossed in an unknown corner of your living room, only for him to guess where it is after he's gotten his fix of you.

Thick fingers probe at your sides, pulling your shirt downwards in a silent plea, take off your shirt, give him the satisfaction that he wants, indulge into this as much as he wants you to.

But today, you're not in the mood for this. So instead of pulling your shirt off, you unbuckle your pants, pulling them down at the most dreadful speed, making him bite his lip impatiently.

You won't miss this, the way he's expecting so many things of you.

And if he notices something's wrong, he doesn't say a word, presumably content with getting what he wants; the rear view of the gap between your legs, where he can bury himself and get lost for the next thirty minutes.

"Fuck baby," he moans. "Why do you smell so good?"

You grunt, averting your gaze from his as he pushes your bangs away from your face with the back of his hand. You want to miss his puppy eyes. Ghosting him won't be easier for you if you don't.

But damn if he couldn't read you this well, things would be easier.

"Not in the mood to talk?" You look even further away to avoid the question, "babe, you can tell me if you're not well, you'll feel better if you let it out"

You don't need someone to tell you how to feel. You've decided when the two of you are going to be through. It's set and done, even if he feels at the top of the world right now, you won't inflate his ego anymore.

"M fine Eijirou, put it in," You bite his lip, putting huge effort in making him forget about what he thinks it's bothering you. "Want you to put it in m'kay?"

Sultry, fake voice, he's heard it all before and he doesn't have the right to call you out for it. Whatever he does next, you're his for the moment and for the last time.

Repeating is your rightful way of convincing yourself of not giving up on your decision. If only he could have broken up before deciding to wet himself in you, if only you hadn't taken him so eagerly, if only you hadn't become just like him. Welcoming him despite availability status, afraid to lose him, saying that a little sex wouldn't hurt. If you could do this on repeat, then you could get rid of him quite as easily.

You're not better than him and he's taken your vulnerability to him for granted. He's loved the attention you've paid him from time to time, whenever he's given you so much as a mere call.

You should pretend to moan, to hurt his ego, but as he's delving into you, slowly, mellowy, his kisses feel like burning sunshine, August breeze against your skin, kissing your shoulders lightly. It hurts that this salvation is coming from his mouth, as it moves rhythmically against every inch of you.

"Fuck, fuck, ah, you feel so good, you know that?"

You don't answer, nor do you wrap your lips around him. You don't move them against his when he goes to kiss you, but you coo into his warm embrace once his hands come to cradle you in a tight embrace.

"I love you," He slips up and you contemplate on whether you have to start hating him from this very moment. "I just wanna be with you, I—" He grunts. “—this is why you don't believe him, but nonetheless you hold a moan in as well. "Fuck, I'll break up just for you.”

Now that's a new one. A new addition to the long list of red flags you have with his name on top. You can't fall for it. You absolutely can't. If you do, he'll treat you just like this, he'll fuck behind your back and kiss you goodnight before going off to sleep with someone else. Like he's slept with you, once, twice, thrice.

And you're going to hate being the one who's fooled, despite deserving it more than anyone else. And another girl, or guy, is going to be his subject of desire.

You shouldn't want him to be yours, but you're lewding your 'I love yous' out of your mouth like they're nothing, poisoning your heart until there's nothing left but dust and sucked up blood, all devoured by the greed he's made you feel.

"You love me too?"

"I do," You cry, rocked between him and the couch, neck hurting by the way he's digging his teeth in yours.

"I'll fucking leave everything for you babe,"

He shouldn't. He won't. You tell yourself he's only saying this because he wants to come, to make you feel dirty with his actions and fish out words that make him ecstatic or send him over the edge from your mouth.

Rhythms are peaking, his hips burning from his movements, foreheads are dripping in sweat, lips taste salty against each other. The perfect picture, the most tingling sensation, and you're too fucked to go back, or keep yourself content with him. It feels the same as the last time, a numbing knot in your stomach, commanding you to rip your heart out and throw it away, spooning mewls out of your mouth.

If you could, you'd mute him, not wanting to listen to how beautiful he sounds as he's coming down from his high. If you could, you'd look away, and wouldn't try to burn the image of his body as he's falling apart in your mind.

"That was—" The sigh that leaves his chest through his mouth is liberating, you can tell—"amazing. I still love you, so much babe."

His hand soothing the pain of his thrusts, does nothing to make you feel better. You want to shove it away, but you don't, unhappy with the way you're turning out to be.

"It's time for you to go, Eijirou, isn't it?" You remind him. A hand pushing him off of you and quickly smoothing your T-shirt over your legs to deprive him of the view that'd make him wear a smug of triumph.

"So quick to get me to go. Did you find someone else again sweetheart?"

You don't reply as you're putting on your underwear and pants, shoving his shirt into him with a heavy hand.

"You did, didn't you?"

"None of your business, go off to your practice, your girl, don't patronize me anymore."

He gruffs, beautiful features scowling in that stormy gaze that reeks of his authority, "Here I am pouring my heart on you and you found someone else"

"Eijirou, it's seven thirty, if I were you, I wouldn't be late for practice. You got a game the day after tomorrow."

No more dealing with his pouting, you're going to bawl your eyes out if you have to do it. The sooner he's out of your house, the sooner you'll get this over with; the tight lamp in your throat, the image of him smiling at you like this, him admitting feelings that he shouldn't have.

Hurting him isn't the role that suits you. Because you can't do it. You can't hurt that warm sunshine he has on his face. He has to be the one to hurt you like he's been the one to drive you away. It's too late for him to change or reverse your roles.

You don't want to fight and he knows it.

He knows you, so well, well enough to use you as he wishes to, letting you believe you're using him too. You're going to make him watch you slip away, and he won't do anything about this.

So he's eager to leave as you're pushing him out of the door, he doesn't cup your cheek with his hand, and doesn't kiss your forehead tenderly like he always does.

"You should come to this party Mina is throwing, let me meet your new guy."

Like hell you'd ever do this, he knows, but teasing won't hurt a bit. Eijirou can deal with you dating other men, he's claimed you well before, he'll do it again if he has to, especially now that he's decided to have you.

"Yeah yeah, and if I do, don't ever call me again, 'kay?"

You're too good to not do as he says, or not to fall back to him, and he's too good to not come back to you. To him, you're a match made in heaven, to you, you're a lost cause, burning in the fiery pits of hell as atonement for your sins.

He doesn't know that you'll fall apart before dressing up, how you'll tell yourself you're not doing this for him, but as a statement against him.

You're no better than him, in fact, you're worse.

…

The only problem is, that when Eijirou pulls up at Mina's party after practice, you're already there. Drink in your hand, flared jeans hugging your legs, layered tank tops that cover the bruising truth of this evening, laughing at whatever your friends are saying.

When he puts out his phone, calloused fingers furiously typing a text addressed to you, you're too far gone into another glass, dancing a little dance before grabbing everyone's cups to go for a refill, greeting them in that silent way of yours, drunken smile.

And then you'll pass him by and blink at him, you'll mutter a small greeting and he'll grab you by the hand and whisper in your ear just how hard he'll take you driving the night. You'll swoon, moan, forget about the drinks and follow him anywhere he leads you.

That's how everybody knows about the two of you.

This time, though, you don't cast a single eye on him. In fact, you're tainting him, walking past him while ignoring him, leaving him awestruck and hurt, like his confessions earlier in the day meant nothing to you.

It's a hit to his heart, how your jaw drops as you bump into Bakugo over the kitchen counter, eyes too wide at the sight of him. How your finger dances playfully on his chest and as you smile at him when he whispers something in your ear.

It's infuriating how you drop the cups near the sink and follow Bakugo outside, or how the blond waves at him with a pressed smile against his lips, signaling that he'll be busy for a while.

His insides churn, tummy aching in a feeling of guilt, one unlike anything he's felt before. Losing you doesn't taste in the way he thought he would, it's worse; sour and poisoning. It makes him flee the party, furious and bitter.

When he's back, his body is heavy, feet dragging him across his apartment, mind blank as he follows his basic routine before bed time, fixated on how easy it seemed for you to just ignore him and flee with one of his friends as soon as he came over to the party he invited you to, wondering how you could be so ruthless with him all of a sudden.

Sweet talking Kirishima with a smile of gold, the sweetheart of the professional Tennis scene and you're over him in the split of a second, pushing him away from you without an explanation or heart wrenching speech. Not giving him the satisfaction of some closure, just forcing the cold tempo of your sudden departure in the depths of his heart.

He pays no mind to the girl that sleeps beside him, back turned to him like she's oceans apart, despite the unspoken bound that's keeping them together. He'll leave her, make up for all the damage that he's done, in any way that he can manage to.

It all comes down to the fact that no one can love you like he does, no one can want you like he does. Someone can do it better, but you have to want him.

5.30am [Missed Call: Red]

5.31am [Missed Calls(2): Red]

[New Message: Red]

Fuck, with Bakugo out of everyone?

Delivered: 5.31am

[New Message: Red]

Did you have sex with him?

Babe answer me.

Delivered: 5.32am

[New Message: Red]

I'm breaking up with her tomorrow morning.

And I'll come over.

Babe.

Babe please.

Delivered: 5.33am

[New Message: Red]

I'll take you on a date and we can talk about us okay babe?

Let me know when you wake up.

I love you.

So much.

Delivered: 5.38am

Read: 10.23pm

[You]

(Attached Image)

Sorry 'Red' even if you sound like a total douche, cheeks forgot her phone at my place.

I bet on her answering your late night drama when she takes her phone back.

[Red is typing...]

Super thanks to @celestidarling for proofreading this and giving me the biggest pump of confidence to post

↪Up Next: Dragon King Bakugo

[cherryblossomtease]

Chapter 12

18 + only

warnings and summary - Masterlist

Warnings: 18+ for explicit sexual content: depictions of sub/dom lifestyle and lead up to m/m sexual relationship. If it’s not your thing please keep scrolling. Thank you!

~

Is there a word for this feeling? The one that happens when you wake up not knowing when or where you are…

Is it day, is it night? Is this my bed? Is this even a bed? Am I home and if not, how far away am I? So many questions go tumbling around in your head so quickly that you just have to shut your eyes against the bizarre sensation. It’s one of the few that’s happened to absolutely everyone at some point. And as you lie there in bed —yes, this is definitely a bed— you think, no way the Germans don’t have a word for this strange phenomenon.

Inhaling slowly, exhaling even slower, you finally feel it come rushing back to you so that by the time you’ve filled your lungs with a nice deep breath of salty ocean air, the smile that raises your cheeks turns into a silent laugh as you roll onto your side, curling up tight, sliding your hand across the empty expanse of the cool bedsheets, lightly perfumed by the fading scent of his cologne which makes you feel warm all over.

You open your eyes, blinking, focusing, letting the view refresh the last of the memories.

You should have known, you think laying your hand on the pillow where he’d been. You stroke the high thread count like you did his hair and his face as he’d looked into your eyes and your racing hearts settled. How many unnecessary tears were shed for him? How much time was spent worrying that you might never see the man again when all you had to do was trust that no prison could keep Helmut Zemo locked away for long, and you laugh because a year must be a record for shortest maximum security prison stays.

Now, while escaping from the supposedly inescapable is impressive, you can’t begin to fathom how he’s done it and you’re more than happy to keep it that way which is probably for the best as Zemo’s made it pretty clear he doesn’t want you in possession of said knowledge for your own safety. The less you know at this uncertain stage in the game the better. You’re physically far from government detection or any others lookin to recapture the Baron for that matter, still, nothing is ever fully guaranteed.

Luckily it’s hard to feel anything other than at peace as you smile and lazily roll onto your back, stretching your arms over your head before looking down the length of the king sized bed to find the source of light warming your bare skin.

Oh, you smile That’s right.

The matching circular windows are very large and offer views of wild blue water as far as the eye can see. It is the very definition of tranquility.

And just off to the side is a glass door that opens to a large balcony just calling your name. You'll spend too much time out there soon enough you think, imagining falling asleep with a good book and a drink. After all, you’ve got two weeks before you reach France and then it's a quick flight to you final destination of Villefranche-Sur-Mer, according to Zemo.

Two incredible weeks— and to think you’d nearly dismissed that text this morning as nothing but annoying spam.

Luckily something about it brought you back after you'd poured cereal and milk into your bowl. You’d sat at the kitchen counter unable to look away from that single message sent from an unknown number, your breakfast all but forgotten.

It was short and to the point and it reminded you of the kind Zemo used to send what felt like a lifetime ago when the instructions were no more than a time but now there was the added bonus of a location and you were no longer the sole recipient.

The sound of Bucky charging down the hall of his apartment that had become just as much yours since Zemo went away answered the question before it could be asked.

“You got it too didn’t you?” You’d asked him looking up.

Bucky stood in the doorway, hair wet and slicked back from his shower, gripping the towel he’d quickly tossed around his waist and smelling like your body wash which he liked to snag when he ran out of his own. You didn’t mind so much but it was confusing when you were a tangle of arms and legs and other parts that smelled the same…

“It’s a trick. It’s gotta be.” He’d insisted, to which you’d rolled your eyes and considered throwing your phone at his head for saying something so ridiculous. Why would Zemo play a game so cruel. “He’s in the raft” He said your name with a finality that made you reconsider, but when you looked down at your phone again, you knew it wasn’t true.

This was him. This was Zemo.

“Go get dressed. I really think something’s happened.” You’d told him. He’d stood there for a second longer, his face unreadable. But he did turn and disappear down the hall, wet footprints on the hard wood left behind.

You must have been shaking as you waited. You’d been so anxious and your head a mess of worry and hope and fear and hesitation but so much excitement.

By the time Bucky came back dressed in sweats and a t-shirt which bothered you because you wanted him dressed to go, you were completely convinced you’d hear a knock at the door and find the Baron on the other side, you’d always been good at working yourself up into a frenzy.

Bucky had been the complete opposite. You can still see him; a gloomy hundred year old kill-joy.

You remember thinking he might have been a worried at first. A little jealous or scared maybe? Like he’d gotten too used to your life and the return of the man responsible for what you had together could also be the one to see it come to an end which was just silly. James was and would always will be your best friend, but your friendship had long since proven to be more than late night Netflix binging and ordering takeout.

In fact the night before the text, he’d come in long after you’d gone to bed. He’d been gone for nearly two weeks on some grand mission with Sam —off to save the world no doubt.

You were dreaming when he’d slipped in behind you and pulled you close, waking you with the warmth of those perfect lips so soft and full, the touch of his kiss leaving a trail of heat down your shoulder and back, only to flip you over once you were half awake with the strength of that wonderfully dangerous arm. As he pulled your shorts down and found you in the dark, you happily gave in, welcoming him home as only you could, and never once did either of you expect that your unconventional but comfortable life would come to such an abrupt end.

But no, he wasn’t jealous. You knew it because there was something sort of sweet in the look of shock on his face that gave you pause in asking why he was reacting this way.

That, was the look of man conflicted.

As you’d begun cleaning the apartment —certain you’d be leaving it soon— you’d paused and studied him sitting on the couch, alone with his thoughts, phone held in his hand like he’d never put it down. You knew Bucky well enough to know the basics of what he must have been thinking.

The Winter Soldier had been trapped in the living prison of his own body for a lifetime. Now Bucky was forever free to make his own choices. You certainly wouldn’t be the one to persuade him into doing anything he didn’t truly want to do. But you also knew that you weren’t alone in missing Zemo; not after what the three of you had shared and certainly not after what the two of them had come so close to starting.

But that poor dear, somewhat clueless man. For someone who was still adjusting to life in the present day after such a strange journey you tried to cut him some slack. He was still torn, still stuck between worlds. Having to question what he knew about his sexuality didn’t seem like a very fair thing to have to add to the mix, but that’s life. Unexpected to say the least.

He could no more deny his draw to Zemo than he could his desire to be a good person. These things were solid facts; He didn’t want to kill anymore and he was absolutely attracted to this man and presumably others, but yes particularly this one.

But now he was worried that giving in to his own happiness might cost him his friendship with people like Sam, and almost certainly his freedom when he’d only just gotten it back. Not because of being bi-sexual, but, because of, well— Helmut Zemo.

As much as you didn’t want to, you could easily understand the conflict.

Once you’d finished cleaning and packing your weekend bag you went back into the living room and made him look at you. “I know you’re worried about Sam and the others. All those super heroes you know. But what sort of friends would they be if they stopped you from living your life the way you want to live it?”

“Good ones if It means living with an escaped criminal.” His retort was so logical. You hate it when he’s right.

“One that you helped escape before right?”

“That was for a reason. This is all Zemo.”

“Did he really deserve to be in there?”

“Do you really want me to answer that question.”

You did not, so you’d stepped away and gave in, just letting him be.

It was frustrating to say the least but Bucky was not allowed to steal your joy, no matter how true it all was. Unfortunately, he was very much tied to that joy.

When you’d rushed back down the hall almost forgetting your tooth brush, he’d finally gotten up and gone into the bedroom but you'd ignored him, not out of anger but because It broke your heart to think you’d be leaving him alone to his own misery. It was the last thing you wanted to do, but if you absolutely had to you would.

Zemo was the man you’d loved long before you met Bucky, you would not put the Baron aside for another person's moral dilemmas, even if might crush your heart. You would leave and send word of where you and Zemo were and hope that he could join you in time but you had to see Helmut, you couldn’t ignore the message.

However, Sargent James Buchanan Barnes could be a real man of surprise when he wanted to be.

As you finished cleaning up, tears in your eyes for what you would be leaving behind, he’d come into the kitchen with his own black duffle bag and tossed it down on the floor.You’d spun around at the sound of it hitting the tile and kept it together but you could have screamed you were so happy.

He gave you that “don’t say anything” look so instead you just flashed a brilliant smile and kissed his cheek which he dismissed as if he didn’t love it, but you saw the way his eyes lit up. He could have hidden it from someone else who hadn’t spent the last year living with him but not you.

“It’s not permanent. I can’t stay no matter where he’s taking us. But, for a little while I think it’ll be all right."

“Of course!” You weren't pressed, you'd just talk him into it later because as of that minute you’d been too elated to care about time.

*

“So what the hell are these instructions?” You’d asked Bucky in the cab out of the city

“I have an idea.” He said shaking his head a little. He was clearly thinking ‘what have I gotten myself into’ which made you laugh. You could hear Zemo in your head, his answer simply being ‘Trouble’

“Well where are we going?” You’d asked anxious to know more.

“I don’t think we’re staying in New York if that’s what you’re asking.”

You’d quickly looked back at the city, watching the bridges fade behind you, wondering if you’d see them again. There was a strong possibility that it would be a while before you did.

As expected, Bucky knew his stuff. You were definitely leaving the city. The instructions were a time and location as you’d guessed but you hadn’t understood that the second half were coordinates and not for the cab.

When you got out of the very expensive car ride— which you charged to that handy little black credit card that had magically appeared in your mailbox about a year ago (thanks prison daddy)— the two of you stood in what looked like no more than an old shipping yard.

“Come on, I actually know this place. We need to go this way.” Bucky said with his head down and eyes up, his serious face looking every bit the superhero he was when he wasn’t with you. It always made you laugh a little. This was the same guy who also sat around in his underwear watching reality competition shows with you eating ice cream…

“What’s this way?”

“Room.”

Cryptic. They always love being cryptic you’d grumbled following him, feeling on edge as you’d snaked your way through the maze of shipping containers and storage units.

As you came near the water, the rusted out rectangles did in fact clear and the narrow passages opened up giving enough space, or as Bucky had said, ‘room’ for a blacked out helicopter to rise up. It was the sort of midsized military grade machine made for traveling long distance and sitting inside was a pilot-- the sort who deals in silence and cash only transactions.

“What exactly did you tell Sam?” You’d asked once you were in the air with your headset on. “I’m sure you had to tell him something to keep him and anyone else from asking questions.”

“That I finally decided to take a vacation” Bucky’d said, his voice clear in your ears as he glanced at you. He didn't have to ask for you to see that he really didn't want you to make fun of him for it either.

“Ha! And he bought that?”

“I think so. He said it was— a good look for me.” He mocked Sams tone.

You’d laughed rubbing his warm arm and laying your head on his shoulder agreeing with Sam whole heartedly but for very different reasons.

About an hour or more in you’d fallen asleep only to be startled awake by the sound of Bucky’s humorless laughter just in time to see your destination come into view.

“I knew it.” He’d sneered looking through your window.

“Oh my god” You sat up leaning forward peering down at the white oval in the expanse of blue.

“Of course.” The way Bucky could detest Zemo’s opulence would forever amuse you. He’d sat back refusing to look anymore, as if you weren’t about to land anyway.

“It's perfect,” You’d insisted.

“He’s such an asshole” He'd grumbled but you’d caught the little twitch of a smile.

“Shut up Bucky. It’s amazing”

“Its a god damned yacht!” His voice gone high with the absolute offense of it all.

All you could do was laugh.

*

You lie in bed remembering stepping out of the helicopter, your bags tossed out and the bird in the air so quickly it’s like the pilot was never there.

“Still think this was a good idea?” Bucky’d asked as if anything about this might have changed your mind.

Impressed by the private landing pad on the highest deck but already aware of the delights that were undoubtedly waiting below, you’d just smiled and gave his cheek a pat. “Come on.”

Bucky grabbed both bags and you’d led him down the steps and onto a massive deck of beautiful pale wood lined with low white couches at the far end, blinding in the bold sun. Beneath the overhang was a large wet bar, with glasses already set out and an ice bucket, the neck of a champagne bottle greeting you.

“Please miss. Allow me”

You’d both looked behind you, startled to find the old butler Oeznik coming up from the center stairwell.

Poor thing, you'd nearly toppled him, throwing your arms around his neck but you really did adore that wonderful old man. He’d just laughed and hugged you back welcoming you aboard.

You thanked him but no sooner had he offered had you forgotten all about his hospitality.

Your back had been turned when you heard your name said with the soft accented voice that you had missed, craved and imagined for so many months…

“Helmut.” You will never forget what it felt like to turn and find him.

He stepped from the shadows and into the sun and you can still feel the way you’d bit down on your bottom lip to keep from crying.

Those eyes, that hair, his smile; so subtle and sly. You’d nearly forgotten that you could in fact go to him. He wasn’t just a man made up from your lonely daydreams but flesh and blood and so perfectly made.

It took him drawing his hands from his pants pockets— linen pants of all the casual things— to break the spell.

He’d opened his arms to just the right size for you and there was no holding back then.

What had it felt like? You try to remember now, but it's useless. You can remember him pulling you in as though he couldn’t stand another second without you close. You’d closed your eyes inhaling his scent as he touched your face and hair, his fingers brushing along your neck and shoulders. It’s so lovely and primitive the way touch and smell can become the thing that reunites and reacquaints us. You were like two animals in the wild and you’d gasped at the feel of his face gliding against yours, and his arms so tight around you until he'd pressed his forehead to yours whispering things you couldn’t understand as you held onto his forearms giving in to the thin line of tears that fell from your eyes. It was an unexpected moment of reconnecting. You knew you’d missed him, but this was so much more. You’d felt ready to submit to every command so quickly it honestly surprised you. The warm touch of his face against yours, his breath along your neck and finally his lips meeting your own was and will always be your first experience with what people describe as coming home. And then he’d pulled back, looked you in the eyes and simply said “Hello”

You couldn’t say anything back. You just watched him look past you and saw how his expression changed. You still can’t place it… “James.” The way he said his name. God it was so beautiful. You’d turned in Zemo’s arms and saw the look on Bucky’s face. There were tears in his eyes that you’re not sure he was even aware of.

“Zemo”

“How was the ride?” He’d asked politely.

“Fine.”

The tension was charged. There was unfinished business between them that they would need to work out on their own, but you hoped they could do it quickly.

And then Zemo raised his hand in offering. He had after all sent that text to two people.

Bucky hesitated for longer than he needed to, but when he did come forward and gripped the Baron in what he’d assumed would be no more than a handshake, Zemo smiled and pulled him in. He’d let go to hold Bucky by the back of his head for a moment gazing at his face. “I actually didn't expect you” He said sounding relieved.

Bucky gave in to his own feelings and reached out, gently grabbing Zemo’s waist. “Well Im here.”

“So you are.” He’d said, the pressure of such strong feelings for his soldier bubbling at the surface, desperate to be released. But he just stroked Bucky’s jaw with his thumb and smiled before looking down at you. “And now that you are, let me show you both around.”

Sitting up, you rub your eyes and find your clothes tossed all over the place mixed in with Zemo’s.

As he’d attempted to show you and Bucky the ship and explain your route, his hand would linger on the small of your back. He would find your curves as he talked about the endless amenities the yacht had to offer until neither of you were sure if he was talking about you or the boat. By the time you’d come down to the cabin deck, he’d pulled you close from behind as Bucky went on ahead unaware. Zemo grabbed your hips exhaling against your ear and you’re fairly certain it was the moan you let slip when he ever so gently pulled your hair, tilting your head to the side as he whispered something to you in Sokovian that got Bucky’s attention.

“James, please help yourself to anything at all. There are more comfortable clothes in the room here. If you’d like, Oeznik can help you find whatever you need. But— it has been a year since I’ve seen her.” He’d said his grip on your hair easing a bit as he stroked his fingers down your back. “As I’m sure you understand a year without a woman like this is a year too long.”

There was a tense few seconds between them and you worried you'd been wrong about the jealousy, but Bucky's face relaxed as he looked around Zemo towards the back of the yacht. “Was that a bottle of Longrow scotch I spotted in that other room?”

“Ah.” He seemed impressed with Bucky’s keen eye. “18 years." Zemo smiled.

“Perfect.” Bucky winked and slipped past giving your cheek a quick pinch.

After that you don’t even remember getting into the room. One second you’d been standing in the hall lost in a wash of furious kisses and the next he had you over his shoulder charging down the hall to the master bedroom practically kicking the door in.

He’d sat you down and you’d both gone wild pushing and pulling at your clothes only just breaking away from one another’s lips to actually undress with a few anxious smiles, some excited laughter tossed in until finally you were naked and then….

You hide your face behind your hand now remembering how good it felt, even though it’d been strange to have another man inside of you after so long.

There was no sign of your former lifestyle this time as he’d fucked you so perfectly. This time, desperate as he was, Helmut was gentle. He’d picked you up and held you between the wall and his own body, finding you easily, moaning into the space between you as he watched your face. He seemed so pleased to see you react to his attention as you once had, because yes, he was another man— he was the Baron and no one could ever take his place.

You’d ended up in the bed on your back nearly in tears from the feel of being under him after so long apart. Not until he’d felt you nearing your climax did he slip back into his natural state of dominance and only just enough to make the orgasm stronger as he’d closed his lovely fingers around your throat and looked into your eyes as you came and he’d whispered your name “I love you…"

Thank the stars that man is free, you smile wide now letting the lasting pleasure ripple through your body.

You look up and say it to yourself again letting the truth of him being here and you for that matter ground you. This day has been a whirlwind and until this moment you’ve been flung from one emotional state to the next. This is the first time you’ve been alone to process it and you are thankful, but the moment is short lived because Helmut’s escape was no small feat and you are not the only one ecstatic about his return.

Eyeing the closet across the room you feel a twinge of a different sort. Helmut is a planner, you’re certain there’s nothing but extraordinary outfits just waiting to be worn and you decide very easily that it’s time to get up and celebrate his freedom and address the very sexy, very annoying tension between the two men you love most in all the world before it consumes them both.

[merakiui]

Okay I’m back I have more thoughts sorry for the spam ahsihsjshdjdn

S/Os who are protective but don’t limit their S/O bc they trust them ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ (don’t limit part is bare minimum don’t date somebody who controls you!!)

S/Os who worry but also can reasonably assure themselves that their S/O will be fine 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍

S/Os who support their partners desicons and spend time teaching them how to fight/defend themselves 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

Okay I’m basically talking about Benny. Out of all the Genshin boys I think he’d be protective while also being incredibly helpful and supportive. Like ‘yea I will teach you how to fight but also please don’t start swinging at monsters until you get the basics down’ kinda thing

Benny supermacy!!!! God I love He

On the flip slide.... over protective and also incredibly unhealthy? Gotta be Diluc or Xiao.

They’ve loved and lost so many times that they’re not willing to get close to anybody again. And if by any chance you DO somehow find your way into their hearts?

There’s only so many things that could happen:

1-they will make sure you know how to fight and can protect yourself (in the scenario that you are just a regular person)

2-they distance themselves from you

3-they make sure you’ll be safe forever and the only way to be safe is by their side... and you can never leave.

Anyway I’m a sucker for the protective S/O character thingy but god I love imagining the so many different ways it could go wrong

Do not apologize!!! I accept any and all spam. Your brain is just so big. I LOVE IT! Share as much as you’d like! :D

Bennett is such a sweetheart. He would be so wholesome when training you in fighting techniques. And he’d be so careful about it, too. He teaches you how to properly swing your sword without hurting your arm or pulling a muscle, and he also makes sure you aren’t going to just run into a fight ahem Childe energy without enough time to train and practice properly.

He’d be so worried if you got hurt because you tried to fight without preparing beforehand. If anything, leave the bad luck to him! He’d rather suffer instead, so please don’t do anything rash. Bennett is going to train you to the best of his ability and after your arduous training you’ll be able to successfully defeat all sorts of monsters and enemies! Just please make sure you aren’t going to blindly swing your sword and hope for the best. Sometimes he can’t help but worry when unluckiness comes knocking at your door.

As for Xiao and Diluc, their overprotective tendencies do seem unhealthy. As you said, they’ve both loved and lost so it’s easy to see why they’d want to shelter their s/o. Xiao tells you to call for him whenever you’re in danger and he’ll be there in the blink of an eye to save you. But he’s usually very cold and distant with you, often saying rude things in hopes that you’ll get the hint and leave him alone. Xiao thinks he’ll be able to push you away if he’s mean enough; he really doesn’t want to come to terms with his feelings because they’re so useless to an adeptus like him. But he’ll still protect you because he can’t bear the thought of losing you.

Now with Diluc it’s a little different. He’s not an adeptus, so of course his own protective methods will differ from Xiao’s. Diluc is more inclined to keep you in the winery or somewhere where you’ll be truly safe and protected. He absolutely can’t take any chances, especially since you’re so fragile and can easily fall prey to monsters. If you didn’t have a Vision, that’s even more reason for him to keep you under lock and key. Diluc hopes you’ll understand that all of these measures are for your own good. It’s not like he intends to harm you or seriously isolate you, but it’s hard to trust you’ll be 100% safe out in the open. It’s a risk he can’t bother taking, so it’s easier to just confine you to spaces that are safe and free of stress.

Although I do think Diluc is more willing to recover from that overprotective habit than Xiao. In Diluc’s case, it doesn’t make him feel good to see you upset. So if dialing back will make you feel better he’s willing to at least try. But as soon as a threat arises and puts you in danger, it’s back to square one.

On the other hand, Xiao can’t bother trying. He’s an adeptus and you’re a normal mortal. Why should he change himself just because you managed to worm your way into his heart? It’ll take a lot of bargaining and begging to get Xiao to even consider fixing his overprotective tendencies. And even then it’s not like he’ll make a true effort...

[annoyedlord]

hi!!! i love your blog so much thank you for being out here and gracing us with your existence ✨

I’m a baby perhaps transmasc and I was considering going on T? I was wondering if u had any advice of any “You Should Know” wisdom you could bestow upon me 🥺

Hello!! Thanks for all these sweet words!!!  Here’s some stuffs that I would have wanted to know before going on T + stuffs I know with T (tw for genital mention, pregnancy mention, menstrual mention and slight NSFW mentions).  I put everything as “might”, considering that not everybody get the same changes, but here’s a general list. (I’m spacing everything as much as I can to make it easier to read and less packed)

You might grow body hair. May it be on your shoulders, back, torso, legs, arms and/or face. Your actual hairs will get thicker. (depends on your family’s genetics, some friends got nothing and some got hairier. I’m on the quite hairy side, but hey I was already hairy before T!)

Your beard!! Will take time!! To arrive!! And it won’t arrive all neatly, you might grow it by little patches, it might be chaotic, but it’s okay!! That’s how beards grow! 

Your hairline will change. This is scary, I hear it, but you might lose hair and your hairline might recede or your hair might be less thick.

Your skin might change. You might get more oily and have to change your skin routine. You might get acne. And that’s all okay!! You’re basically having a second puberty! :D

You might sweat more. Maybe not dramatically more. (I went from no sweating to my back will sweat during heatwave.)

Your sweat will change, like maybe a stronger scent. It’s fine! Deodorant is your friend, just like showers are.

Your whole body odor will change. Nothing gross, but it will change! 

Your emotions will be affected. You might have a harder time to cry. It’s all fine, don’t worry.

You might get hornier. Not becoming a feral unleashed horny beast, but you might get more easily aroused.

Your private part will change. Your clitoris will grow a bit, not much, maybe 1cm at best? But it will grow. (From my experience and my friends’, it doesn’t hurt at all, but some people might find it uncomfortable?) The best way I can put it is that you’re gonna have a tiny penis...?

Your private part might produce less self-lubrification. 

Your periods might stop. Some people are still menstruated despite being on T, so knows that there’s a chance that it’ll happen. If it stops, it won’t stop right away, it might take few months (took 3 and half for me)

You can still be pregnant will being on T. I can’t stress this one enough, because I see a bunch of people seeing it as/saying that it’s an opportunity to drop any kind of contraceptions, but T does NOT make you sterile. It makes you less likely to get pregnant, but that’s all! (Plus, T doesn’t protect you from STDs, so stay safe everybody!!)

You can have spams in your uterus and they’re painful. I see no know talking about it, but sometimes you can have big spams who will be very painful and they can last from few minutes to hours. Lay down, take a painkiller and something to heat your lower stomach. Take a hot bath/hot shower, it can help to calm everything down.

Your body fat will change, since T redistributes the fat in your body.

If you’re done with growing, your bone structure won’t change. :( It’s a big thing who’s often said, but it’s sadly not true. You won’t get taller either.

Your voice will drop, and it will take around 3 years to settle to your ‘final range’. It will take few months before starting to change.  

It will be uncomfortable will your voice changes since your vocal cords will thicker. A bit itchy, as if you have something caught in your throat. It’s bearable and goes away quickly.

Your pets will recognize you. I promise. I have a cat who’ve been by my side as I went through all these changes and he still recognize and love me. I promise they’ll love you the same ♥

Now, know that there are many way to take T. You can take injections, which is the most popular way to take it. You can also take it as a cream (boy goo, as I saw some ppl call it haha) and rubs it on your shoulders. You can take pills, patches, etc! Many way, so look what would be the best for you! :D (Also, look in your area/with your insurance what’s covered.)

You can start T with microdosages, which will make less changes but might reassure you if you’re unsure with the changes coming with it.  Your endocrinologist can also make you start on low dosages for few months and that’s okay. It’s to balance your T level in your body; if you had a low natural T level in your body, you have a higher chance to start with low dosages to adjust your body before going to a full dosage. (It’s frustration, I understand it. But it’s for your best. You can do it, soon you’ll be to full dosage!!) You can stop to take it AT ANY TIME. It doesn’t make you less trans or anything. If you feel like only taking it for a bit of time, it’s all fine. If you stop taking T, your periods will come back, your body hairs will grow like how it used to grow before T, etc.. but your voice won’t drop back to what you had. Your voice won’t change. (Also, uh,  your clitoris won’t like un-grow)

As you don’t produce naturally enough T, you will have to be on T forever. 

T won’t solve every problems and not everybody needs/wants to be on HRT to be a “valid transgender” (whatever that means. there’s not such a thing as “valid” and “non valid” transgender persons.), but being on T allowed me to present to people as I truly saw myself. I’ve never been happier :D

This is all I know! If you have any questions, please feel free to ask!

[drxwsyni]

Willing ︱Yandere Dabi x f!Reader

@riarora asked: “Could you do yandere Dabi x reader where the reader is one of those people who reads yandere fanfic and knows almost everything, including how to get out, but she doesn’t want to, cause it’s weirdly her dream?”

a/n: ahh yes some good ol’ self awareness. thanks for the request bby, i really liked writing this!

warnings: violence, swearing, kidnapping, suggestive themes

(2.5k words)

_____

It wasn’t hard to tell where Dabi’s intentions lied.

You’d spent more than enough time indulging yourself in mindless scrolling, reading piece after piece pertaining to a certain genre. One that in reality wasn’t the healthiest, but my god was it ever alluring.

Maybe you were lonely, or just apathetic to the red flags that this behaviour presented. Either way, the developing relationship you had with the man was one that you were all too familiar with.

At first it wasn’t obvious―you disregarded his actions as him shamelessly flirting. Dabi had a habit of pushing your buttons, getting you flustered and squirming under his gaze. You could tell he was enjoying himself, seeing what his words did to you.

Once he got bored of the verbal sentiments it moved on to something much more physical. An arm lazily draped around your shoulder, a grip on your chin forcing you to look at him when you turned away in embarrassment. He seemed to enjoy the temporary fear he placed in you when he came up behind you only to wrap his arms tightly around your waist, pulling you firmly into his chest. Every time he did it took you a moment to register the guilty party, but one glance down at the semi-scarred arms and you knew exactly who had scooped you up. If that wasn’t enough, the hot breath against the shell of your ear as he greeted you would do the trick.

If you didn’t know any better you would’ve assumed it was just his personality. The teasing nicknames and lingering stares could be seen as endearing for the most part.

It was when certain attributes bled into the relationship were you able to pick up on the motivation behind his mannerisms.

He had a temper―that much was obvious.

It was never a problem until you idly mentioned in passing conversation that you were saving up money to move away for college. He just...stopped. You thought he didn’t hear you, but not a moment later and he was laughing at you.

“The fuck do you need college for doll? You know that shit is a fucking scam.”

To be fair you never thought he’d have such a strong opinion. As far as you knew you were just some side chick he’d like to mess with when he was bored.

“Well I can’t just keep a dead end job forever. I’d like to move on eventually―meet new people, make better money, y’know…”

The two of you were at his apartment, your back turned to him as you made something to drink in the kitchen. You jumped slightly as one arm wrapped around your waist, the other coming to rest atop the counter in front to you.

His frame leaned into yours, your hip bones digging into the countertop. “What, so you’re just gonna abandon me for some shitty frat boys and student debt?”

The idea almost made you laugh. He was partly correct―the piling debt wouldn’t be fun, but you would have to deal with it just like every other student. As for the college hookups, well it wasn’t something you had actually thought about. You were feeling bold tonight, thinking that perhaps he should get a taste of his own teasing medicine. “Aw, you're not jealous of a few college goers, are you Dabi?”

The hand that was placed on the countertop came to drift towards your face, moving a wayward strand of hair behind your ear. “No need to be jealous of people who I know I’m better than sweets. Just worried about a pretty little thing like you getting hurt is all.”

You smiled at his concern, “I’m sure I can fend for myself, thank you very much.”

The grip on your waist tightened ever so slightly. “Can you though?”

“I don’t―”

“You can barely fucking handle when I mess with you.”

You turned around at the statement, slightly offended, coming face to face with his cold scowl. “Well maybe they won’t be as rude to me.”

At that Dabi’s lips formed into a smirk. “Oh, you think I’m being rude? You’ve got no idea what those little shits might get up to.”

His gaze was piercing, something you could never look at for a long time. You dropped your head slightly and averted your eyes to something else in the room to distract you. “I’ll never know if I don’t go, not like there’s much holding me back here anyways.”

The sudden feeling of Dabi gripping your chin between his thumb and forefinger was momentarily jarring. It forced you to look up at his as he spoke, his other arm still pulling you close into his chest. “So you’re gonna let a bunch of strangers put their filthy little hands all over you? Not sure I like the sound of that princess.”

The closeness flooded your senses with the smell of smoke and cologne. You tried to put some distance between the two of you, but the counter was still pressed firmly into your back leaving no room for escape. “I’m not saying that―I just don’t see myself having a future here. I’ve gotta move on eventually.”

He gave a laugh in response, but it was closer to an exasperated huff. “Nah, fuck that. College is a waste of time, and I’m all the goddamn company you need if that’s what you’re looking for.”

“Listen, as boring as sitting through lectures sounds, I'll take it over my lame ass job any day. And no offence but you do tend to give me headaches with all the shit you put me through.” You made an attempt to move out of his grasp, but you were only met with him pushing you back into the counter quite roughly.

“You’re not going to fucking college.” He was still smirking, but the look in his eyes that was normally vibrant seemed...empty.

Well this wasn’t the turn of events you were expecting.

You liked to think you were a strong person, but his persistence in the matter was unnerving to say the least. “That’s not your decision to make.”

He laughed at your attempt to sound confident, “I can do whatever the fuck I want princess.”

His cocky attitude could almost make you scoff, if it weren’t for the subtle feeling that maybe, just maybe you shouldn’t push him.

...But where’s the fun in that?

“Whatever, I’m sure you can find someone else to annoy.” You turned back around to keep working on the abandoned drink, leaving him to settle his hands on your waist.

“There is nobody else.”

That made you feel a little better, having assumed he only kept you around for entertainment purposes before moving on to something―someone―more serious. But at the same time it was concerning―what was so special about you to him? “Well that’s too bad, I’m not staying here because some asshole is lonely.”

Dabi appeared to be amused with your attitude, hearing the low chuckle from behind you. He went back to having his arms wrapped around you from behind, leaning the side of his head up against yours.. “Aw, you sure dollface? I’ve heard I can be very convincing, bet I could get you to stay somehow.”

You shook your head at his response, “Doubt it. You’d have to do something pretty big to keep me here.”

“Well, I do have my ways sweetheart. Just not so sure you’d agree with what I have in mind.”

Threatening, but not explicit.

“That’s comforting.” This time when you moved to escape his grasp he let you, drink in hand while heading towards the living room couch. You settled on to the worn out cushions, sending Dabi a glare as he used your lap as a footrest when he draped his body across the free expanse of the seating.

Without another word on the subject he chose a movie, letting the room fall into a peaceful absence of conversation.

_____

It was only in your nature to reflect on that encounter with the scarred man, given your expanse of knowledge in regards to the certain kind of behaviour he briefly held.

To be honest it was the first time he showed any real commitment to your questionable relationship. The first time he made it clear that you were his sole focus.

It was nice, but you couldn’t help but pick up on the red flags.

He was a villain. An extremely powerful one at that. He’d mercilessly slaughtered countless people―surely that had some effect on his psyche? If there was any evidence for that, it was this. Nobody with his history just implies something so vaguely ominous without being serious.

But you would never know how serious he was if you didn’t do a little more prodding on the subject.

Just to be on the safe side, you didn’t tempt him with anything that’d make him specifically pissed over one person. If he truly was the person you thought, then you’d have to avoid being the reason he killed someone.

Instead, you took the passive route.

By now you’d given him your phone number, or rather he forced you, saying he would stop teasing you if you did so. Of course he didn’t stop, but that was behind you now.

After that night he seemed a little more...insistent. Usually Dabi wasn’t very talkative, but now he’d taken a liking to keeping up with you through text.

Sometimes it was just idle conversation, but it always had something to do with what you were doing: where you were, who you were with. The talks were still short, but he made the point to ask nonetheless. It gave you the perfect opportunity to push his buttons.

You wouldn’t answer him right away, or you’d be vague with your responses to his interrogative questions. The endeavour to irritate him did little at first, but the more you persisted, the more he got attached to you, the demanding side of his personality started to bleed into your life.

He’d get angry with you for ignoring him. Dabi wouldn’t obsessively spam you with texts―no, he preferred the few he did send to simply disturb you into replying. Warning you that this wouldn’t end well for you. That he knew you were ignoring him. That he’d make you regret acting so stuck up.

Should you have heeded these blatant warning signs? Abso-fucking-lutely.

Yet as time passed and he only got worse, the more you wanted to see just how far he’d be willing to go.

In hindsight, the idea wasn’t the best. You really were going to move away for college, start a new life, maybe meet that special someone.

But Dabi had other plans.

As much as you thought you were being delicate with his temper, his destructive practices proved that everything you had done to avoid violence was in vain.

You should have seen it coming.

He could’ve killed you―should’ve killed you―but he knew this was what he needed. You were what he needed. And the prospect of watching you slip out of his grasp wasn’t something he was ready for. But you were ready for it, and that was the problem. 

So Dabi smoked you out of the only place you could call home, along with destroying anything that’d keep you living with any semblance of independence.

The putrid smell of burning materials and, what you prayed wasn’t searing flesh, was the first to hit your senses. You were awake at the ungodly nightly hour the menace chose to send your apartment complex up in flames. If it weren’t for that you were convinced you would have perished in the fire. But Dabi probably planned for that, much like he probably planned for you to be forced out of the only exit that wasn’t being slowly cremated.

Out of the back exit and right into his arms, all the while you were still choking on the air that was riddled with deadly smoke just a few seconds ago. But he didn’t care, not when he had to stifle your screams with his hand, his other arm wrapped around your lower half, pulling you away from the complex where emergency first responders wouldn’t find you.

He let you look at the building that was gradually succumbing to the devastating effects of his quirk. You knew why he was doing it, but it still scared you.

“You see baby, this is what happens when you don’t listen to me. Take a good look at it, cause you’re never fucking comin’ back here again.” His voice was devoid of empathy, but why would he care in the first place? If anything, he was having fun with the matter.

It was your fault, you’d forced his hand. He wanted to be patient with you. Let you come to him.

But no, you had to piss him off. You deserved this for how much you put him through.

Maybe it was the lingering effects of the smoke that was making you lightheaded. Or perhaps the constricting feeling of Dabi’s arm wrapped around your throat. Realistically, it didn’t matter which was the final nail in your coffin. Soon enough you were passed out, body limp and defenceless in his arms to do whatever he pleased.

And so, when you finally came to, your predicament did not come as a surprise.

A chain wrapped around your ankle, secured firmly into the floor. You laid haphazardly on a bed in what you already knew to be Dabi’s old, fairly run down apartment.

He didn’t bother to wait for you to wake up, just leave you alone in the cold room to figure out what had happened.

But you were very aware of the situation.

This is what you wanted, right?

You pushed him. And now he was pushing back.

Out of pure instinct you gravitated towards yanking at the chains, doing anything to loosen them. Only after a few minutes of doing so you remembered just how you’d done your hair that day. Nothing special, but adorned with a few bobby pins.

And yet, when you removed one to pick at the lock, you stopped. Out of curiosity you taught yourself how to use the makeshift key to open such a device, but what was the point?

He’d only track you down if you got out. And judging by his character he wouldn’t be against some less than comfortable forms of punishment. It was clear that he wouldn’t hesitate to burn down anyone or anything in his way either. 

And when you spent so much time tempting him to do exactly this, why would you ruin it?

It wasn’t healthy, but it proved how much you meant to him. In an equally disturbing and endearing way, he cared about you. More than anyone else had cared about you before. College plans be damned, you could settle for this at least for the time being.

So you put the pins back in your hair, laying back against the firm mattress.

You didn’t entirely know what Dabi had in store for you, but that made it only the more intoxicating.

Eventually you heard the telltale heavy footsteps approaching the locked bedroom door.

You should’ve been scared. You should’ve been fighting tooth and nail to escape your bindings. But as the sound got louder, and the locks on the door shifted open, you could only think of one thing.

It was dangerous, but you still wanted to know the extent of his pent up desires. And subsequently, how you had to play your cards to reveal these traits without getting yourself or anyone else killed.

But no matter what happened, you wanted this.

[honourablejester]

Well that got my back up right off, oof.

I was browsing through the TV Tropes character page for Ravenloft, because it gives a nice intro to older lore, and I came across this entry on Addar, Darklord of the Phantasmal Forest:

“Mentioned in the writeups for the Shadow Unicorns, Addar was promoted to Darklord status in the Kargatane's Book of Sacrifices netbook. Hailing from a sylvan forest on an unknown Prime world, Addar chafed against the traditions of unicorns submitting to elven maidens as bonded steeds, seeing such an act not as a bond of partnership and purity, but a symbol of humiliation and servitude. Though the other benevolent fey spirits of his forest recoiled from such bitter, poisonous prejudice, darker spirits rejoiced in it. Most prominently, a female nightmare, who began to contact Addar in his dreams, seducing him with stories of a new forest, far away, where he would become a great champion and worshiped like a god, much like the guardians of his own forest. Even as Addar's ego grew on this noxious fuel, the elder fey strove to break him of his arrogance; they arranged for an elven princess of unparalleled purity and grace, a mighty paladin-in-training, to be given his name and told she was to invoke the pact with him. When she came to summon him, however, Addar fought with all his might, recoiling against what he still saw as an attempt to enslave him and reduce him to a mere beast of burden. His defiance allowed the nightmare to slip between the worlds and attack the elf-maid, setting the forest alight with her burning mane and hooves. Free of the spell, Addar began to flee, only to realize the elf-maid was caught by the flames; choked by the smoke, she couldn't hope to escape on her own... but Addar's pride would not allow him to let her ride to safety on his back. Instead, he turned and abandoned the screaming princess to her death, following the nightmare into the mists. Upon her, he fathered the first Shadow Unicorns, and became ruler of the Phantasmal Forest; a foul and dismal place of dead, dying trees whose black, noxious soul nourished only weeds and evil plants, inhabited only by dark fey and predatory beasts.”

So, okay. I just gonna … I’m gonna side with the Darklord here? Yeah.

Not on the whole ‘seduced by a dark spirit with promises of being worshipped like a god’ thing, that’s fair enough as a villain origin. Carry right on. But the bit where he saw being bound to someone as servitude, and the response of the people around him to that …

Right. So. To sum up. Addar saw being bound to an elf as being bound into servitude, and the fey around him saw this as possibly racism and definitely pride, and their ‘benevolent’ solution … was to send someone to punitively and magically bind him into said servitude against his will, specifically for the purposes of ‘breaking him of his arrogance’?

Um. Explain to me how that’s not slavery?

It doesn’t matter how pure and beautiful a paladin she was. It doesn’t matter that the bond is normally not slavery because (I’m assuming) the other unicorns consented. In this case it absolutely, one-hundred-percent was slavery, because Addar did not consent to it and they tried to magically force him anyway, and I feel like every ‘benevolent’ fey involved in the decision should have slipped immediately over into Lawful Evil, for valuing their tradition over the will and consent of one of their own.

Like, this is phrased in such a hostile way to his interpretation of what was happening to him? I just … I love how this frames him as entirely unreasonable here. That his wanting not to be bonded to anyone is ‘bitter, poisonous prejudice’, that his recoiling while being bound against his will is only struggling against what he saw as an attempt to enslave him, as if he’s wrong about that and it was blindly willful of him to fight. That this binding is explicitly meant to correct him of his arrogance, that he’s being bound to someone to humble and punish him, and somehow this is not slavery? That it’s his defiance that allows a dark spirit to slip into the world, but if you didn’t force him against his will, maybe he wouldn’t have to fight and let nightmares into the world? It’s his ‘pride’ that causes him to abandon the woman who attempted to enslave him to her death, not an entirely reasonable unwillingness to help someone who just tried to force him?

Sorry. I had a surprisingly strong reaction to this, is all.

But. This is just the TV Tropes summary of the story, so I went to look up the original, in case TV Tropes was leaving stuff out or putting a slant on the story in the process of repeating it. And … sort of. The original does gentle a few things:

Addar was not aware of the nightmare’s nature at first

The fey spirits were not aware of the nightmare at all, since she was only approaching the unicorn in his dreams

The spirits could feel a corruption in his soul as a result of the nightmare’s temptations, and without knowledge of her presence, his hatred of ‘servitude’ was the only thing they could tie that corruption to. This doesn’t make their ‘solution’ any better, but it explains a bit why they were so adamant, if the nightmare was having a tangible magical effect for the worse on him

The spirits didn’t think of it as ‘breaking him of his arrogance’, they thought of it as teaching him ‘a lesson about the virtue of sharing and partnership’

The elf they chose had no knowledge whatsoever of any of this, she was just told that Addar was a unicorn who wished to bind with her and was given permission to perform the ritual

She spammed the ritual repeatedly despite his resistance because she didn’t know what was happening and thought he might be trapped somewhere

He realised she was in danger, and turned away from her truly because he didn’t want to bear any elf, and he thought another unicorn for whom that wouldn’t be a problem would reach her in time

Things the original story doesn’t help, though:

It still seems to imply that a unicorn must bind with someone pure, whether they want to or not, and everyone is apparently fine with that

“Such bitter thoughts, coming from an average person, would normally be seen as mere prejudices, and might even go unnoticed by most others. But it was no less than an appointed guardian of Goodness and Nature who was spitting those poisoned words, and that was seen with concern by some inhabitants of the forest, and with joy by others. These last were, of course, creatures of darkness and foul spirits, who were barely tolerated by others as part of the natural balance.” Virtue and goodness mean surrendering your right to autonomy, but for other people wanting to not bind yourself to someone is okay?

“She was training to be a noble warrior-priestess, and the ancient spirits dictated that Addar should be her steed. So, she was told Addar's name and given permission to tame him. The spirits thought he would finally accept the noble partner and once again become true to his nature, leaving the perverted ideas behind forever.” She’s beautiful and virtuous, so she deserves to ride him, and he should leave all ‘perverted ideas’ of bodily autonomy behind him

The ritual is still explicitly a forceful spell, an enchantment that does not require the consent of the unicorn, and can wear away their strength to resist: “Addar, who was finally losing his powers to resist the enchantment, suddenly felt free once again, when the nightmare took his place.”

“As he turned around one last time to see the princess choking to death, he knew in his corrupted heart that he was never going to allow anyone to ride him, under no circumstances. He would be king of his own forest.” This is meant to be the heart of why he’s a Darklord, the epitome of his corruption, and yes it’s extremely selfish to refuse to carry someone out of a literal fire that was burning her to death, and yes to the whole ‘prideful desire to be king and ruler no matter the cost’ thing, but on the other hand is it really meant to be evil to not want people to feel free to use your body against your will just because of your species?

I just … this whole thing sort of rubbed me completely the wrong way. It’s an odd thing to get riled up over, I know. But the whole … Ignore bodily autonomy, ignore consent, take someone’s species as license to bind them into service, declare them evil for not wanting to allow that, if they object too many times just magically force them anyway …

Look. The base fact is, the binding of the ritual is slavery and is not a ‘partnership’ and ‘a prize and honor for both beings’ in this case, for the sole and simple reason that Addar did not consent and everyone else ignored that and tried to force it on him anyway. Partnership requires consent on both ends, and forcing someone into servitude against their will is sort of the definition of slavery.

I just … I’m gonna side with the Darklord here. Not on the whole ‘allow myself to be corrupted and move to my own world where I’ll be king’ part, but on the whole ‘refuse to allow someone to use my body against my will and rebel when they attempt to magically force the issue’? Absolutely yes. The spirits were completely in the wrong there. The elf maiden not so much, because she didn’t know and acted in innocence towards someone she thought had consented, and it’s definitely tragic that she died for that, but I’m mostly going to put the blame for that on the spirits as well. Addar maybe should have helped her when he saw her dying, but they’d given him literally every reason not to by tricking her into, essentially, trying to enslave him and override his will. If someone tries to magically enslave me no matter how hard or long I fight, and winds up in mortal peril because of it, I’m not going to be too pushed about helping them out of that mortal peril either. Gonna be honest.

I reacted really strongly to this. Oof. Sorry.

It’s just … is it just me, or does D&D sometimes have some problems with consent, particularly when it comes to issues of magic, as well as some really dodgy views of ‘virtue’ and ‘evil’, particularly when it comes to magical species and what’s expected of them?