#extremely long work rant

[brandoncarlo]

so there was this big blowup at my work on friday where two of my coworkers tried to undermine me and went to my manager with half truths to make me look bad. I explained what was going on from my perspective and because one of my coworkers has a history of lying to get me in trouble and the other manager actually there corroborated what was going on plus the cameras, my manager got extremely angry with my other two coworkers. I pretty much blew up, for me at least, and ranted to my manager about everything that happened (they were shit talking me and saying how i don't do work loud enough for me to hear it, on the back of my 3rd week in a row clocking in the most overtime besides the two managers, which included covering their shifts because they each call out regularly). So my manager is now saying she's going to bring both of them in and talk to them with the big boss. And while every discussion I've had with my manager has left me feeling vindicated and I know everything I said was the truth at least from my perspective. I'm like gaslighting myself and questioning my own reality (how do you know you're not lying, what if you're just trying to make yourself look good), on top of stressing about whether or not they could end up getting me in trouble by saying i did something wrong (and if i did do i remember doing it, or will it be a lie, or how will i know).

anyway the entire thing really stressed me out. i do not handle anger well and left work on friday shaking. i had to work with one of them on saturday and was blown away that she kept pretending to be nice to me, when she must have known that I could hear everything they were saying. I also had to work with another coworker who I didn't hear say anything, but knowing him he's on their side and he gave me the cold shoulder even tho he's one of the friendliest people i work with and makes sure to say hi and bye to everyone. which is FINE because i was giving him the cold shoulder too but petty me wanted to be the one to ignore him first.

point is this fucking sucks cause i love my job but i won't let people walk all over me. i am just stressed for monday because I'm not sure what's going to happen all I know is that I am going to be extremely clear with my manager about what's going to go down after she leaves. What exactly are my responsibilities and who is going to express that to the other people I am working with. Because I do not need to be told I'm not doing work because I'm the only one who can give the front desk manager a break in the afternoon, but they only see me go up front and disappear for 15 minutes, i guess assuming I'm not doing anything.

and to top it all off right before this I had gotten yelled at on the phone by someone trying to book a grooming appointment. Which is kind of funny and kind of shitty. Shitty because I was already stressed and agitated before this and also funny cause part of me was like lmaooo girls if you want to deal with that bullshit sure but they already triedd to train you for it and it failed.

[imerian]

My (very old) loscar brooch (?) that i just now made doodles for

More pictures under cut

[fictionadventurer]

I thought that it was stupid that Brandon Sanderson had the narrator of Tress of the Emerald Sea call all the unnamed sailors "Dougs" when he could have just called them, you know, sailors. But then I started using the term. Turns out having a word for "yes, we know that realistically all these individuals have unique identities and personalities, but they're not the focus of this story so we're going to treat them as faceless background characters" is surprisingly useful.

[coelacat]

man while i understand it im so tired of the attitude of "if you dont think critically of every media you like ever and if you like stuff you cant think critically about youre stupid" mentality. its so prevalent just about everywhere i go online, youd forget that its an insanely online take

[quasi-normalcy]

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[faragonart]

So it turns out my longer posts (where I make comic-style stories about my character) get blocked from tags entirely...

I guess I can't post comic drabble stuff anymore? @staff why did you set it up like this? Who is gonna be able to see my posts if they're all just blocked from the tags? I can't express myself or my work on here anymore? Do I have to find workarounds now???

This is extremely disheartening...

[funkbun]

alegander's page on the fandom wikia is very.. something..

[cervinelich]

"Everyone always leaves/abandons/rejects me =C" is such a huge red flag for me. Saw someone saying this on social media the other day and knee-jerk instinct was "blockblockblock"

[chemicallyabsent]

a month of binge restrict. fucken hell why am i so stupid

i think i gained about 3kg?? some of it could still be water weight atp but idk. (wishful thinking, i took lax yesterday)

i should be glad the damage isnt worse, on the worst day i ate 8k calories which is insane...😭😭😭

but i also fasted multiple days so ig it kinda evened out? 🤷‍♂️

[katyspersonal]

^^^ I got this video recommended after watching a couple on UTDR dramas and it is honestly extremely spot on? I am impressed to hear a really thoughtful analysis from the "other side" of the situation, that addresses problems on both sides; creators being more worried about being shunned from the community than about what they did and damage-controlling what is said about them, but also strangers psychoanalyzing a person they don't know who is already irrational from fear and pain in bad faith.

I am not sure if anyone here finds it handy since I am against the idea of "building up platform" for as long as I remember (I even had instances of purging my following to remain small artist), and I've made sure to cultivate the audience (all ten of my fans xd) with the same mindset who just want to quietly chill with the friendly faces in the corners 🤔 But I never know when one of those "platform and community" kids is looking in my general direction, so why not xD And yes, it is certainly helpful from the side of the observer, to not judge the creators the wrong way. The brain biology bit is hella correct, again, I am impressed by how well it is explained!

[intoxicatinginsanity]

It’s nights like these, where the thought of the view from halfway down is no longer a deterrent that works on my brain. I see the welcoming comfort of the forever sleep and I don’t immediately go, ‘no that just won’t do’. I dwell. I dip my feet in the dark waters, feeling the tug of the current on my skin; wondering how quick it would be.How inevitably painless it would be; if I just allowed myself to get pulled in by the undertow.

It would be scary, sure. But then, it would be done. And so would all the things that never seem to stop going wrong in my life. My inability to hold down work. My lack of prospects as a woman in my late twenties. The fact that my degree is ultimately useless. That I’ve worked nothing but menial jobs my whole life so I don’t qualify for anything of “ high pay value”. That I had to take a three year work gap because my partner caught cancer, and then a pandemic hit, and then after that pandemic they got an auto immune disease. That same condition we can’t even get formally diagnosed because our countries medical system is completely shit and the insurance available for the low income essentially hopes that we just die.

There’s also the ever growing realization that there is no one I can really turn to for help; especially not my family. That I’m at the edge of poverty, and that point in time is quickly approaching. That it’s either take a trash job that will work me until I’m more than the hollowed shell I already am, and put me at risk for contracting health issues from covid. That I also have to put my partner at risk of hospitalization, further immune issues and possible death, for said trash job. And then there is my usefulness, or rather uselessness as someone with utterly terrible executive function. My ADHD makes the most simple things, painstaking hard. My autism, makes it even harder. And the responsibilities keep piling up, and I am terrible at juggling. Everything is so overwhelming all the time. And frankly I just feel like imploding most days and when I look at myself in the mirror all I ever see is a burden and a failure. And I know everyone around me sees it too. And while yes, I know it will “get better”. Better isn’t here. Better seems so so far away. And I’m so so tired. And the weight I carry everyday is unbearably heavy. And on nights like this, I don’t feel like I can keep carrying it all.

But I’ll try anyways…because that’s what I have to do. I have to keep moving, performing, contributing, etc. Until I no longer can and then I’ll just be another fucking statistic that got caught in the cog of the capitalist machine. Trying to keep float when everything that is vital to living and having a stable life is only achievable through monetary means is fucking torture on the mind and body. And I’m so tired.

[sri-rachaa]

im horrible at social situations omg

alternative title: raes overthinking hours

[sentfromwolves]

HELLO I AM INTERESTED.

(is any lifetime lived a true failure? how fucked up are these guys)

SCREAMING SOFTLY SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG TO ANSWER I WROTE A WHOLE ESSAY AND THEN LOST IT BUT UGHHH YES I am always here to tell people more about my reincarnated celestial gods... some might recognize them from my currently shelved project CARVE THE STARS aka that damned space novel.

It's on the docket to get a whole rewrite because it's my baby mammoth and it's always going to be getting rewrites until I'm happy with it... try number 5, baby! but I think it'll be good either way and I could write them forever tbh... ANYWAYS!!!! Putting this all under a spoiler because it is A LOT

There is actually a whole group of them--Wren, Marek, Juno, Marsden, KB, and Yeongbi--who comprise the latest cycle of reincarnation. To them, a lifetime lived is a failure when they end up fucking the universe up more than they already had when they got into the current iteration.

See, the thing about them is that they are the children of the twin Creator Gods who gave birth to the whole universe and made everything within it at the very start of...well...existence, as we know it. And don't get me wrong here: the Creator gods don't really have any sentient care or understanding of mortal emotion, right and wrong, law and justice. For a few hundred millennia they floated around the void, watching atoms do some funky stuff, lifeforms begin to toddle around on distant planets, early early alien civilizations begin to form.

But then something, something that had been in the pitch black of nonexistence before they'd come along and said "alright, let there be light" or at least, lmao, something in that vein, started eating everything that had come into creation since then. It nibbled on the outer edges. Then it ate stars. Then it started swallowing whole planets and species. That's when these gods decided to create something to combat that--again, not out of any sense of moral justice or protection. Like gardeners, they just wanted to introduce something new to the sprawling ecosystem of the universe to prune out the filth seeping in along the corners, through the roots.

They planted seeds of their magic into mortal bodies--magic that was connected back to them, even when they left the physical plane for another to avoid the dark entity trying to eat everything that had sprouted up where it had once slept. That's how their children, celestial gods, came to be. Three from each progenitor god. Because their whole reason for existence, seeped into their very core, was to "prune the garden" so to speak, effectively fight off the malevolence snuffing out stars and eating asteroid belts, at the start of their existence, their lives were pure and simple and easy.

They were drawn to the work. It was natural instinct for them, and so early on, it was easy. Save a planet, coax a star back to life. But through early cycles of reincarnation, the rest of the galaxy was evolving too. Culture budded, religions formed, and often enough, because of what they did and where they went, they came to be at the center of those faiths. And eventually, that became a problem--despite the natural draw of them to their work, because they were also always half mortal, they stoked their prides, they grew their own ambitions, and they lost sight of their purpose.

All the while, that throbbing darkness they were trimming back over the centuries was learning. After all, it didn't just eat things. Like rot, it could get inside of them, weaken them, devouring from the inside out. So eventually, it got smart enough to get inside of these celestial gods too.

There's a single god of this group that could not be corrupted by this entity--Gaia, the Verdant King, who's current iteration is Yeongbi Seo. There's an insidious nature to the rot--unknown even to the celestial gods, it can seep into the soul, follow them through iterations. Some shake it off, like a body naturally purging a toxin, because they're more stalwart and less likely to be corrupted. Ira, who's current iteration is Juno, has been corrupted before, but became self-aware of it and killed himself to stop it from taking over him in that life cycle and harming the rest of the universe.

At first when this all began too, none of them knew they were being corrupted. They thought mortal folly was at play, and in some iterations, it got so bad that they were on opposite sides of galactic wars, destroying entire planets over each other. For as much as they were revered as deities, they also began to be feared too, and inside of that fear, rebellious planets began to grow in a desire to separate from the religion that put these violent gods at the heart of worship and obedience. When these rebellious planets began to rise up... well, something really bad happened.

In fact, it was so bad that the souls of the knights were damaged. The memories that carried through each life cycle degraded as time went on with the souls in effective purgatory, unable to regenerate into new mortal vessels. A thousand years passed until they finally grew strong enough to try, and by then, they were barely embers of the cauldron fires they once had been.

The thing about the cycles of reincarnation too is that there are parameters to how they work. The first is that generally speaking, all of the new vessels will be of the same species, and physically close to one another (within a star system). The second is that one specific gods new vessel has to awaken before the others can--that's Soheil, who's current iteration is Wren. All of them will feel an incredible intrinsic pull toward each other until that happens. It will literally feel to them like a destined fate to be together, and go against their own innate desire to be apart.

CTS takes place as soon as Wren awakens as Soheil, and realizes that the celestial deity inside of them has been gone for over a thousand years. Not only that, they left the universe in ashes and ruin back then, and now what remains is determined not only to rebel against the celestial gods but to destroy them so that they can never come back.

Not to mention that of all of the celestial gods, the one most prone to the corruption is Soheil. And despite the terrible damage to their soul in those thousand years, the rot is still inside of them like a seed. Eventually, it'll start to grow again.

[sophiamcdougall]

I fucking knew it, I SAID it: they're making ADHD people the next culture war targets. They will 'just ask questions' until we lose every scrap of ground we've gained in the last decade and more. We may not quite inspire the same level of hatred as a sexual minority, but we can very easily be made to inspire disdain and that also works.

They will strip us of our accomodations and our medications and try to stifle any sense of shared identity, and if that kills some of us, oh well. So long as it fuels another outrage cycle, fine.

So many of the tropes they've been using on trans people work extremely well on ADHD people too! "There are too many of these people suddenly! It must be a fad! It spreads through friend groups! And online! People are going private for diagnoses and that's bad! They are using pOwERfUl medical interventions and we think it's freaky!"

I saw the first ripples of this in terf circles about two years ago. And of course it's spread.

6% of British ADHD people lost their jobs in the last year thanks to the meds shortage. SIX PER CENT! And that just made these ghouls go "ooh, tasty, what else can we do?"

Recently an 'expert' was on the BBC saying people see ADHD diagnosis as a "golden ticket." Laurence Fox has been ranting that the condition doesn't exist and threatening "'you won't poison my child's body [with ADHD meds] against my consent"

People need to be aware this is going to get worse. Maybe, if we're lucky, it won't get really bad. But it's going to get worse than it is now.

[siren-of-agony]

Had a talk w my profs/employers earlier about renewing my contract where one of the things we talked about how I missed so many of the Thursday-group-meetings cause I was sick/had doctors appointments.

We also agreed to have another talk on our next meeting.

Just had to email them to tell them I couldn't make it bc I remembered I had a neurologist appointment that day.

Stay tuned to see if I lose my job I guess :D

[yongseungkim]

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