#exhausted from existing
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#neurological condition#rare vascular syndrome#Erythromelalgia#man on fire#narcoleptic#narcolepsy#cataplexy#pain#suspected of having a connective tissue disorder#burning#exhausted#exhausted from existing#depressing life
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he says i hate everyone except you and that is addictive and that is kind of romantic and beautiful because you're young and you're kind of a sarcastic asshole too and you don't like bad boys, per say, but you don't really like good ones either. and you like that you were the exception, it felt like winning.
except life is not a romance book, and he was kind of being honest. he doesn't learn to be nice to your friends. he only tolerates your family. you have to beg him to come with you to birthday parties, he complains the whole time. you want to go on a date but - people are often there, wherever you're going. he's just so angry. about everything, is the thing. in the romance book, doesn't he eventually soften? can't you teach him, through your own sense of whimsy and comfort?
at first - you know introverts often need smaller friend groups, and honestly, you're fine staying at home too. you like the small, tidy life you occupy. you're not going to punish him for his personality type.
except: he really does hate everyone but you. which means he doesn't get along with his therapist. which means he has no one to talk to except for you. which means you take care of him constantly, since he otherwise has no one. which means you sometimes have to apologize for him. which means he keeps you home from seeing your friends because he hates them. you're the single exception.
about a decade from this experience, you'll type into google: how to know if a relationship is codependent.
he wraps an arm around you. i hate everyone except you. these days, you're learning what he's actually confessing is i have very little practice being kind.
#i used to think it was romantic too and then i was like. now i see it as a HUGE red flag#writeblr#it is also almost EXCLUSIVELY said by immature ppl who think this is normal#fyi even if u think it's funny and ur like 'im an introvert it's just TRUE' like. you need therapy (ily tho)#healed introversion is just ''i would prefer to be by myself'' not ''i hate every person'' ... hate is not normal. that is not healthy#im sorry. i know it feels accurate. but if you're walking around with that kind of rage....#1. you're making a LOT of assumptions about every single person u have ever met. which is often unfair and unkind#and also usually involves judging people based on their worst moments or little mistakes#2. you are being unfair to the person who is ur ''exception''#3. there is a VAST difference between ''ur my favorite person'' and ''the ONLY person i like.''#idk i think this is just a personal bias thing tbh#im sure there are people who have this experience normally#but i have YET to find a man who thinks like this and ISNT absolute DOGSHIT. although tbh.... like. im sure he exists#when u hit like 30 some of the things that were once kind of hot now just sound fucking exhausting. like ''im in a band''#edit in the tags: i used to kind of be like this too. but the thing is that like. my life became so much more peaceful#once i started believing that people are generally good. like yes i am mad at the world at large#but it's just.... a very hard way to live. you're not a bad person or wrong for the ways other people hurt you and taught you to be angry.#but that anger will continue to hurt YOU. it will punish YOU. it will prevent YOU from making new deep connections. it will protect you yes#but it will also cause MASSIVE blowback. bc if you lose the One Person... your life will fall apart. i know this personally.#i really recommend just trying to be... cautiously optimistic instead. like. yes#people can be horrible and cruel and there are some communities (incels for example) that aren't worth that optimism#but i think like... most people will hold a door for you . most people want to help you find your wallet .#i hope one day you are able to find peace. i hope that rage eventually smooths over. i know how hard it is PERSONALLY#and i know what must have happened to you. and im deeply deeply sorry we share the same wound.#but i promise - sometimes we all need someone else to help us carry the weight. eventually the rage has to die so that we can let help in#i had to spend years biting at outstretched hands. i still often do. im still very wary . and my heart breaks that you flinch too.#here's the thing: i don't blame you. but we were both acting out of fear and pain. .... not out of healthy behavior. and ... change#was needed. i needed change too. rage was useful for a while. then it just left me isolated and bitter. i had to (with effort)#choose to let that rage go. and let people in . VERY SLOWLY THO LOL
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can’t talk about it
[ID: Black and white comic of Vash and Wolfwood from Trigun Maximum. The comic starts with the sounds "thud, thud, click". Vash, mid-action of peeling an apple, turns to the sound, noticing who it was that entered, and says, "Oh, Wolfwood, you're back." He resumes back to his apple in the next panel as he speaks, "Where'd you go? You snuck out of bed quickly this morning..." Wolfwood's hand then enters the panel, hovering over Vash's cheek and Vash looks up as Wolfwood asks, "Can I?" Vash responds, "Not going to talk about it?" while using a hand to gently hold Wolfwood's hovering hand and presses a kiss to his inner palm.
Vash then gets up fully, setting down the knife down on the table and the apple onto a plate, He leans into Wolfwood as Wolfwood explains, "Had to meet someone. Nothing interesting to talk about." Vash kisses Wolfwood's left cheek and a hand moves to cup his other cheek while muttering, "You're being vague." Wolfwood says neutrally, "If yer really that curious, keep askin'. We can talk about that instead of doing this." Vash leans back and responds, "Let's talk after, since... You look so tired."
The panel pans to a close up of Wolfwood's downcast eyes, bags heavy underneath his eyes. He doesn't allow Vash to sit in that moment for long though, then saying, "Yer not helping, Spikey. Being all slow with it... I could fall asleep right now." He moves his hand to start unclasping Vash's coat, starting from his collar. Vash with red cheeks, responds briskly, "Oh, shut up. I'm worried about you. I can't be worried?"
The final shot shows Wolfwood's back to the viewer while Vash's softened expression can be seen as he holds gently onto the side of Wolfwood's face and a hand firm on his waist. Wolfwood responds, "I'm fine, seriously," pausing for a moment before continuing, "Is it okay to still..?" Vash responds, "Yeah, it's okay."
The next image is a shot from later that night after the previous comic. Vash and Wolfwood are now in bed, half naked. Wolfwood's buries his face into Vash's chest, his arms wrapped around him, while Vash is petting at his hair. Vash reminds him, "Hey. You said we'd talk about it." Wolfwood pauses for a moment before piping up, "In the morning? I'm sleepy." Vash says, "Okay..."
The next two pages start from the morning after. Wolfwood is already fully awake, pulling on his outer jacket as he says to Vash, whos' still bundled in his blankets, "Breakfast is on the table. Make sure to eat it. I'm going to grab some things in town and then we're leavin'. Got it?" Vash says, "Mh." Wolfwood responds, "Good. See ya in a bit." The dialogue starts to shift into Vash's inner thoughts now, as he gets up and eats toast, thinking, "Wait. Weren't we supposed to... talk about it?" The next shot then shows him fully up, meeting Wolfwood in town. He carries a half worried expression with him while Wolfwood slides on his glasses for him. A quick panel shows Wolfwood's tired expression from the night before and quickly juxtaposes with Wolfwood in front of him who's smiling gently, the shades covering his eye bags. Wolfwood asks him, "Still not awake yet?" Vash pauses, his thoughts stirring, thinking, "Oh. I guess I was getting ahead of myself... thinking you owe me that kind of honesty." He smiles at Wolfwood and responds, "I'm awake!" His thoughts continue, "Maybe one day, you'd trust me enough to share your burdens."
The final image shows Wolfwood pulling at Vash's cheek and Vash complains, "Owwwww why..." Wolfwood quickly says, "You were thinking something stupid, right? It's all over yer face." Vash mutters, "Nooo, I wasn't..." END ID]
#vashwood#trigun#trigun maximum#vash the stampede#nicholas d wolfwood#Theyre both thoroughly exhausted tired individuals -- vash having to fight this lonely battle for over a hundred years and getting dragged#back into inevitable situation with knives after a 2 years hiatus of being a gunslinger. they both need so much Rest and comfort in this#department... .SIGHS. BUT I JUST THINK ABOUT WOLFWOOD . AND HOW... LITTLE He has existed on no man's land. how majority of his years being#alive is being used as a weapon and to kill when him at his very core is the most giving and selfless individual ever#badlands rumble inspired me a bit but i do think wolfwood gets dragged into occasional tasks from the eye of michael while on his duty of#guiding vash -- or i think that one chapter where we got to see other members of eom -- there's like a clear division within the eom too#i think.... so i figured similarly to vash but not to the same amount -- there are people that look for wolfwood too. but most of the time#it's probably wolfwood that has to look for someone else and take them out. i feel like it happens ever so occasionally.#evidentially these two don't talk enough canonically but they always know how to express things properly to affirm that they're okay#they have the worst time ever sharing burdens - can't willingly burden the other and has neeever asked for help or reprieve in their#desperate situations... vw is a huge case of right person wrong time syndrome so they just. in the time they get to spend together -- even#if romantically - they don't have enough time to heal to get over that kind of hurdle. They've just never asked for help in all the years#they've been alive -- they don't even know how to and its just aughhhsgskg#and well! they don't even need to ask! because they'll be there for each other anyway at the end of the day -- company and presence alone.#ruporas art
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Are you safe?
yah 👍 tl;dr our NOW-ex landlord harassed us for 7 months after trying and failing to run a rental scam. We had an eviction hearing this morning and literally 5 minutes after leaving the courthouse our now-CURRENT landlord sent us a lease to sign and agreed to let us move in this weekend. So yeah a lot of shit happened but 👍
#there are so many. batshit details i could share about this guy#but for now. tbh i'm so exhausted with this topic i just need to lay down for 3 straight days and. try to register everything#i still can't FULLY comprehend. actually being safe i guess#I think you can only truly understand the nightmare that was the last half year if you understand how colorado is#and the uniquely hellish non-existent housing market here#but anyway yeah. i'm safe now#i guess? just. having weird whiplash from planning for imminent homelessness/ [ ]ing myself to suddenly everything is fixed :]
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The thing about Jayce and Mel is that like. She does not view him as an investment. That is just certifiably false. You have to skip over all her scenes to believe that.
In the beginning she does! She absolutely does! She conceives of their relationship as a business one - where she makes profit off his inventions, and he profits from her business and political acumen, both monetarily and powerwise. And overall, she believes she's fulfilled her half of the bargain.
It's only when he comes back to her after Viktor gets sick that she realizes he believes this is something deeper. And it's notable that she responds to that emotion - she opens up about herself too, comforts him, and expresses real emotionality about it. It's then that we see his ideals start to influence her - especially reawakening in her a desire for nonviolence.
Wanting to do things peacefully is something that's been with her since she was a child. It is what guides her away from Noxus, because her pacifism just does not fit there. It's why she loved Piltover so - they aren't a violent expansionist empire, which is a really low bar, but that's what she's grown up in.
She never finds the violence in Zaun, because she never goes looking for it. This is her fault, and her flaw, let me make that clear. She has some of the most power in the city, and should know about what kind of violence is holding up, and work to resolve it, truly. But she doesn't, because she's focused on her own exploits, and has so insulated herself away from the class struggle that it does not register for her until it grows to violence.
And then, once that violence comes, she maintains that pacifism with an iron grip, more than Jayce himself. It is Jayce who constructs (almost) all the HexTech weapons that are used in the Undercity, in Caitlyn's police squadron. He betrays the oaths that he's made to his partner, where Mel keeps the promise she's made to her's. She is the only politician left to try to tamp down on the worst of Ambessa's instincts, and her removal from Piltover is what marks it's descent into militarism.
She is ultimately a complicated woman, with a bunch of interesting relationships to Piltover and Zaun. I think you can divide Piltover as a city neatly between her, Jayce, and Caitlyn - each of them standing for some of Piltover's best instincts, and some of its worst.
#telespeak#mel medarda#jayce talis#It's why I find Mel discourse so tiring. Like.#This is a show full of complicated characters.#If we are willing to look beyond Victor emptying people and Caitlyn becoming a puppet dictator and Jayce literally killing a child#and see them as full and complicated people who are trying their best with worldviews that are influenced by their circumstances#why is she where we stop. I mean I know why. but still.#I don't even like MelJay. But like. It's there for a reason.#sidebar I find the notion that Jayce of all people should hold her accountable for Zaun just. exhausting.#Jayce is a piltoverian through and through. He loves someone from Zaun yes but that relationship is soaked with casual classism#There is a lot to be said about Mel ignoring Zaun! But he does too#it's something she reflects in him#The biggest critique of her arc I have is that someone in Zaun shoud've taken her to task#(My vote is on Vi just because she should get to confront the head of the faceless machine that's produced every tragedy in her life)#(But any Zaunite would do honestly. Just not heckin. Jayce.)#I do want to make a post about how Jayce Mel and Cait kinda cover all of Piltover's values#Cait as their enforcer arm Jayce as their scientist and Mel as their businesswoman/politician#but that's for another post. really this is two posts squeezed into one#I am just exhausting seeing people who do not care about Mel in her tag. Like. She exists outside of JayVik. the show is not subtle with th#arcane
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guys. guys look at me. its ok. comfort yaoi slap
#they can throw me into electric shock therapy BUT THEY CANT STOP ME FROM DRAWING BOY KISSES#im in the us. already exhausted if it isnt obvious#and i spilled my guts out on instagram so im not gonna move it to here#so lets just exist okay#intertwine our toes? bluetooth our braincells? <3#i love my boys so share this moment with me#bongo art#art#digital art#danganronpa#sdr2#super danganronpa 2#danganronpa 2 goodbye despair#fuyuhiko kuzuryu#hajime hinata#kuzuhina
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the level at which people are misusing the term "Never Again" in the far left absolutely infuriates me.
"Never Again" doesn't refer to the idea of no more genocides -- unfortunately people are evil and corrupt and seek scapegoats and destruction, there were genocides in the years following the Holocaust, there were genocides 10 years ago, there are multiple genocides going on as we speak
"Never Again" means we as Jews will pay attention to the warning signs, will not mindlessly allow antisemitism to fester and take over our communities, we will fight back. it means we will be proud. it means we will not let you hate us without a word of refusal.
"Never Again" is a warning for us, it is a reminder that what happened then can happen now -- is happening now. The Far Left doesn't get to use it against us. You don't get to turn our tragedies into hate-speech and antisemitic rhetoric.
Am Yisrael Chai
#abby speaks#that fucking NYT article made me rage so much#needed to get this out#if this somehow makes you pissed at me go ahead the unfollow button is right there#I have always said that Palestinians deserve a state and I have always believed that Israel has a right to exist#the lack of knowledge at these “protests” shocks me - people don't know which river or which sea; they don't know about the hostages#free gaza from hamas#we are allowed to mourn the “protests” started before we'd even had a chance to.#I will never ever forgive or forget the people that have made mourning still feel impossible#I am not about to sit here and say that the Israeli government is blameless#however if you didn't know that 1000s of Israeli have spent the past year protesting against Netenyahu's right wing government shut up#we need actual solutions; neither Israelis nor Palestinians are going anywhere#and you guys need to start calling out the antisemitism in your movement#I have my doubts on that actually happening and you'll never see me donate to a lot of these causes again#the goy left has lost my respect and my trust and now it only has my side-eye#sorry for the rant in the tags it's been an exhausting few months
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hm. idk, maybe the reason Luke Newton isn't announcing new projects or posting any Bridgerton content is because some of you demons treated him like hot trash instead of a creative that you wanted more work from and he decided fuck it, this isn't worth the stress. you know, like a lot of creatives who get mistreated do?
like this is a man who went from couch surfing in a friend's house and bartending to make ends meet, deciding that the Bridgerton audition was the last one he'd do before he quit, to suddenly being recognized on the street because that last audition propelled him to star in a global show where fans who have zero media comprehension blamed him for his character's actions and literally stalked him at any hotel he happens to stay at. he went from being a dude doing musical theatre and shopping at thrift stores and recording random songs with friends and posting silly memes on Twitter to being harassed on his only social media page and his friends insulted and his partners bullied by his supposed 'fans' and anything he posts being so microanalyzed that he can't do a damn thing without someone coming out the woodwork screaming about how he's the WORST and won't he think of the FANS!?
like damn he can't have a girlfriend without being harassed, he can't travel without being harassed, he can't like or not like social media posts without being harassed, he can't post a fucking MEME without being harassed, he can't take a vacation or cut his hair or hold someone's hand or just live his life without being blamed for some bullshit or another. but yeah, okay, 'when will Luke Newton come back?' as if it isn't your fault he's AWOL now
#luke newton#colin bridgerton#polin#lukola#bridgerton#bridgerton has a bullying problem- from kanthony fans to benophie (i see y'all with your anti blogs and your mean opinions) to polin#y'all lukolas say you're fans but most of you are the ones microanalyzing and feeling entitlement to this dude#and you know what?#jakola#because y'all straight up sip the hateraid and lbsr rn and call a spade a spade: you don't know this jack (jake? idk and idc) dude#you don't care about his achievements and aren't fans of his 'work'#you just want your stand-in avatar nic to have male attention as if male validation is the end all be all of a woman's success#and you see luke as the stand in for all the men who hurt you in the past but like he is literally not doing anything and y'all will be mad#and project that he somehow hurt nic as well by 'rejecting' her for his girlfriend who you hate because lbr she's conventionally attractive#when NICOLA Is conventionally attractive TOO ffs#how dare y'all make me step up to bat for a white man this way#leave him alone#aren't you exhausted?#'he didn't like xyz social media post and his girlfriend gives me the ick and he's not posting and appeasing me and blahblahblah' shut up#like y'all shut down at someone so much as raising their voice at you or posting some mild criticism for your bad takes#but you expect a man who has openly revealed his ADHD and anxiety to be the punching bag for all your vitriol#because he's not living his life in a way YOU approve of? like who are YOU to dictate how someone does and does not exist on this earth?#do some soul searching#do i love Luke's acting and want more of it and for him to star in everything i wanna watch? of course#but rn i'm gently cradling his face going 'baby you should RUN' because y'all are the PITS#YOU are the problem#one day y'all will realize that
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trying to get used to tumblr again
#r27#sawada tsunayoshi#katekyo hitman reborn#i love drawing tsuna smiling bc in official art he radiates so much light. if he existed my eyes would melt at the sight of him /pos#trying my best to capture his beaming vibe. one day#also i like to think if tsuna passes out from exhaustion reborn would just ‘coincidentally’ also fall asleep netx to him#its cute yk and with all the work of being vongola decimo tsuna would be a tired guy at times and reborn just wants to be with him#and maybe protect him in his sleep too idk#other guardians would be terrified whenever they pass by bc theyre afraid to wake both of them up for different reasons#mainly fear sprouting from reborn
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Maybe it's just me, but as a writer, I try really hard not to moralize to my audience. I have strong opinions on what characters are doing bad things and who I hate and who is redeemable or irredeemable to me personally, but I'm not gonna tell you that in the prose. I wrote them that way so you can weigh all the info and draw a conclusion informed by your worldview. If I'm just gonna tell you what to think, you don't even need to read the book. I can just shout at you on Tumblr like a normal person.
#this idea that books should have clear concise morality on every page is so weird#but it's especially exhausting when it comes from editors or people in trad pub#it's like they forgot what books even exist for#books#writing#author
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i think a lot of the soulless clover revival fics that make them start to kill in the very first reset does not give clover (or flowey) nearly enough credit
#there's one fic I read that had a good justification for it but the rest..... hm#clover is not going to start killing people just because they can't feel emotions as strongly as they used to now#especially if this is post true pacifist clover we are talking about#it took flowey exhausting literally every other option just for him to even start to consider the thought of killing#and even then he didn't like the idea of it. the entire buildup to it he was saying I don't like this and trying to justify it to himself#for someone like clover who so strongly believes in the good of monsterkind I think it would take them at least as long as flowey to break#if not longer#and who's to say that they would even start killing in the first place#flowey started killing because everyone around him was predictable and did the exact same things every time to the point of boredom#but clover has flowey. friendly or not friendly flowey still remembers resets and wouldn't do the exact same thing every reset#flowey's very existence would prevent clover from reaching the same level of boredom that flowey did because there's always something new#at the end of the day clover and flowey are different people that will react to the same situation differently#to make it work you can't just retread flowey's experience. you have to consider how clover would react and change the situation accordingl#that's what I think anyways. cool concept but execution falls short more often than not imo.#my ramblings
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i’ve gotta stop watching this show i’m afraid something will Awaken within me .
#If you know… you know#also hi i haven’t been on at all today i’m so exhausted from Existing#ticky rambles
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🗿
#it quickly turns into a klan meeting in the comments#underneath these ppls art ☠️#I was still thinking about the dandandan shit that happened a few weeks ago#comments full of nbs mainly Asian/ wp pretending to be Japanese and wp going insane and mass harassing a teenager over a black edit if the#two mcs if that show… and they were trying to get one of the English VA fired (I think he voices one of the characters from the dub or so?)#just because he was defending that kid and I think he deleted his acc and the kid had to lock theirs ☠️….#so it’s always like crazy to see nbs pull shit like this while hating black ppl sm#rambling#eh it’s whatever I never expect much from nbs and whites anyway when it comes to stuff like this#and the double standards that fall in the way but it’s like lol#laughable#it always turns into some major thing whenever a black artist or cosplayer simply posts they’d work just like anyone else like everytime#I don’t think The ppl who get their hair and the like like this are the ones crying about black ppl existing obviously but it’s just like#everyone else gets to enjoy black ppl as an aesthetic. and idea. just for the memes and so on but whenever black ppl#indulge in things created but other groups of ppl it’s always a problem#should be used to this by now but it’s so exhausting
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In the process of 1.5 hours, so much drama was revealed to me that I’m cancelling my next trip back to my hometown next year.
#Sigh……..#I cut off more than half of the people I knew here and it’s still this messed up??#I need to lie down#But I literally can’t until another full 23 hours from now#Why did I do this to myself#Liveblog count (Lia’s Holiday Trip Home Sunday Edition):#Friendships ended: 1#Friendships repaired: 1 - these guys were salty at each other since June jfc#Flights cancelled: 2#Hours of sleep: 5#Update 2 ->#Therapy sessions given: 1#Therapy sessions received: 1#Update 3 ->#This one was actually pretty relaxing#Hours spent yapping: 9#Update 4 ->#No energy to get into it. But I feel like I needed to go to a self help session or something after that#Update 5 (pure venting) ->#These people want to be involved in my life more so badly but they are only willing to do it on their terms and not mine#You don’t get to have that for free anymore!!#“There was no time to talk” BULLSHIT. There was plenty of time! I even brought up the topic first during lunch!!#To keep acting like this doesn’t exist and only want to talk about it when I’m exhausted and trying to sleep#You picked a time where you know I don’t have the energy to fight back because you’re too scared you’ll say the wrong thing#And I’ll cut you out of my life again
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sometimes i fear i am filled with too much rage but then i go online and see. people so dedicated to their anger it is practically their entire existence. are you not tired? do you not feel consumed by it? it's okay to let go. your passion can still be expressed through other feelings as well. flames of emotion do not always have to burn you to ashes. please rest a bit and let them just pleasantly warm you
#i think. people focus too much on their anger at other people for being wrong#rather than love to the people being wronged#alternatively; it is in the place of self preservation. a defense mechanism from the unfairness of life#but you can't run on rage alone. you will burn yourself out#and actively adding fuel to the fire by looking for things that'll make you angrier... aren't you exhausted yet?#if it's a thirst for justice you seek you should still take breaks here and there just to exist#or else what will be the point of achieving it. yknow?#...idk if I'm being coherent i am very tired#and as you can see. failing to suppress the 19th century poet
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unfortunately the way they treat Lisa Cuddy is narratively really interesting and the way she and House's relationship crash and burn says SO MUCH about House and his existence and place in the world as who he is in the context of love as he's able to experience it and I could say SO much about it and what it adds but it would require me to be mean to Lisa Cuddy and I WON'T DO IT!!! There is too much nuance and layers to cover and I am lazy.
#sairambles#house md#fuuuuuck like. She wants a version of House that can't exist and Wilson loves him not in SPITE of who he is but BECAUSE of who he is#Gregory “Sorry this is the only version of me you get” House#like AOOOOOOUGH FUCK#I really do like this show a lot I love it so much#I love it so much Ive moved past thinking it's flawless and actually do have some negative things to say about it sometimee#I think the tritter season sucks and is resolved messily but it's passable#it doesn't super matter cause the highs in House are SO high like it really is incredible for its time#like you watch other dramas from that era and a lot of them are really exhausting#House is actually very compelling compared to its contemporaries#sorry I'm just saying shit I think now I'm not really making an objective analysis or anything I just really like House
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