#excuse me ive been super busy

[kandidandi]

Heeeeeey kandoo i hope you're doing well i miss you<33333333

waah xit <333333 i am well thank u I MISS U TOO T_T

[wanderingmoonmen]

hi there, I love your fics 🥺 any kennderland content soon?

I hope so!

At my 'new' (as if it hasn't been half a year already) job I literally cannot have my phone on me while I work so any of the little downtime I've had I can't write on my phone........

........so I've been hand writing it when I get the chance (featuring censor lizard)

[ edit: video and end of post below cut ]

The problem now is I have to sit down and write this up digitally which I just... haven't done it yet.

Thank you to those of you who have recently left kudos and comments! I do see them and it makes me happy and pushes me to try and get more stuff written.

[emotionalsupport-ljh]

All Better 🩺🩹

It's okay to take a little break.

Fluff - woozi x nurse!reader (fem)

Woozi Birth Month special! One fluffy baby getting taken care of!

AO3 link

Word Count: 1.8k

CW: hospital, IV, mentions of fainting, mentions of self neglect

🤍⊹🩺♡⚕⟡˙🩹˙˙⟡⚕♡🩺⊹ 🤍

It’s too bright in the hospital room Jihoon is currently waiting in. The fluorescent light bulbs only seem to reflect the sterile white environment back in his eyes, causing him to squint slightly. He drew the blinds a long time ago, trying to avoid exactly this discomfort. He isn’t used to this. He’s used to the soft blue and violet ambiance of his studio and the LED of his computer. An IV drips steadily next to him with a tube connected in his arm. His phone died a while ago, and no one seems to have a spare charger in the hospital. He’s chosen to combat his boredom (and loneliness) by closing his eyes, breathing steadily. He knows he won’t sleep. He can’t. He has too much to think about and work to get back to. Forever the workaholic, his mind immediately starts making a list of what to catch up on once he can get out of here and back to his sanctuary. 

A small click and very light footsteps approach his side. He doesn’t mind them; it’s probably just that old nurse coming back to check on him again or lecture him about staying hydrated and getting at least nine hours of sleep because eight is actually too little and that lie was spread by blah blah blah. There’s quiet sounds of a pen on paper then a rattling of equipment and a squeak. Jihoon cracks one eye open at that new sound like a mouse had suddenly appeared to record his vitals. Not a mouse. A nurse. One wincing as he makes eye contact with her, his face emotionless.

“Sorry,” you whisper, “I didn’t want to disturb your nap.”

“I wasn’t sleeping,” he replies in a sigh. He opens both eyes and blinks away some of the discomfort of the environment. The first color he sees other than hospital white is pastel pink. And pastel flowers on hairpins. You smile down at him brightly.

“Oh! Okay! Well, you are doing much better. Shouldn’t be long until you can get out of here.” Your smile is warm and your voice is cheerful. 

“Thank you, Nurse…” he trails off, waiting for an introduction.

“Y/N! Just call me Y/N.” You can’t help but notice this patient as he lightly smiles for the first time since you’ve been here. It’s only been something like two minutes, but still. It’s a soft smile that crinkles his eyes into crescents. He’s very cute.

“Why couldn’t you have been my nurse the whole time? The other one kept nagging me.” Jihoon pouts a little as he talks. He’s really very cute. 

You hold the clipboard you were writing on close to your chest and relax your stance a little to talk, “Her shift ended. I’m her replacement.” It’s, for once, not super busy this afternoon, so you have some time before someone is breathing down your neck about checking on patients. There’s something about this guy that makes you want to pause and talk. Maybe even unload. His gentle eyes are tired; it’s like he has been carrying a heavy burden on his shoulders and this is his first genuine excuse to let up a little. His voice is soft in his chest, and there’s something adding timber, something somber.

“Good, you are much easier to talk to. My phone died a long time ago, so I’m bored,” Jihoon says, letting out a deep breath he didn’t realize he had been holding. 

You glance at his chart again. He’s been put on fluids and vitamins for dehydration and poor nutrition. This guy is overworked, stressed, and isn’t sleeping much. He’s literally on record saying “I only eat white rice, really” and he doesn’t drink much water. You begin to see why the last nurse wanted to lecture him so bad. 

“You should rest. Get some extra sleep while you're still here.” You gently goad him in the right direction.

Jihoon groans indignantly, “I really don’t want to. Besides, it’s uncomfortable here: too bright with the lights on, too dark with them off. I’d much rather talk to you.” He’s being a little whiny, even for his own taste, but any excuse to not waste more time while he’s still conscious. He has work to do. Well, maybe not to do right now, but he can still think about it.

You give him a half smile and set the clipboard on one of the chairs near the bed. “Sit up,” you command and he obliges without hesitation. You move in close to fluff his pillow and then gently, and without thinking, push down on his chest to get him to lay all the way back. You bring the thin blanket up to his chest, and for the final touch, you move the bottom corner of the blanket for it to expose one leg. Jihoon’s heart has been racing since you stepped forward to fluff his pillow and you clock it on the heart monitor immediately. 

“Is that better?” There’s a chuckle in your voice.

Jihoon nods kind of mystified, just staring at you with big eyes. You grab the discarded clipboard and move to the door to shut off the lights. It is really dark in this room. “I’ll be back,” you announce and speed off into the hallway.

Jihoon is staring at the ceiling while his mind reels at the interaction. Nurse Y/N, he thinks, What a force of nature. He finds himself missing the pop of color your scrubs brought to the otherwise bleak room. When he does reluctantly close his eyes, all he can picture is your smile. The silence is killing him, and, almost on queue, the door swings open once more; this time it’s a lot less subtle. 

You walk in with an assortment of items. A small noise machine, a night light, and an extra blanket. You carefully set up each item to make the room feel a hell of a lot cozier. Jihoon is once again at a loss for words. The oppressive sterility of the space transforms before his eyes. Once the night light is plugged in, there is a softer, warmer glow about the room. When you turn around, you are backlit in a golden light.

“Do you need a lullaby for your nap, as well, Mr. Lee?” you tease your patient smiling.

“Please, just Jihoon is fine. And no, this is… perfect.” Jihoon cracks a genuine smile, feeling all his stress slowly begin to melt away. “Where did you find a nightlight?”

“Pediatrics. The noise machine is from the On-Call room. You’re lucky no one is using it right now.” 

“I really am lucky, huh?” Jihoon says more to himself than he does to you. 

“Okay then, just Jihoon. Sweet dreams,” you say, flustered. 

They sure will be, he thinks. You watch as he settles into the bed and actually plans to rest. You slip out of the door with a prideful feeling in your chest. You’re good at your job.

When Jihoon wakes up, his first instinct is to reach for his phone and check the time. It’s around 2:30 in the afternoon. He’s been in the hospital for a little over an hour. He blinks heavy a few times then looks at his phone again in surprise. It’s charged! It’s attached to a charger, and it’s fully charged! He follows the rainbow colored cord with his eyes to the outlet it’s plugged into, and sharpied onto the brick are the words “Y/N’s Do Not Touch!!”. There’s a water bottle on the nightstand and a red jello cup. He sits up and take the jello cup in one hand and his phone in the other, checking his messages.

When you ease the door open with a light knock, you find him watching a video on his phone while his tongue tries to scoop the last bit of jello out of the cup. You giggle a little which catches his attention causing him to swiftly put the now empty cup down.

“That nap was good, huh?” you say, still giggling lightly and flicking the lightswitch. You walk up to check his vitals and IV for the last time.

“Yeah, actually, thank you… for everything.” Jihoon sounds less stressed out. He’s much calmer and even a little happier. 

“It’s no biggie, honestly,” you reply. There’s a beat of silence and you sigh before starting your next sentence. “I’m going to do that thing that you hate.” You gesture to his arm, and he presents it, letting you tend to the removal of his IV. Your touch is soft and leaves him wanting more. He wants to fall into your gentle and nurturing arms and stay there forever.

“Jihoon, this incident was serious. When you fainted, you could’ve ended up with a concussion or worse. You’re lucky, but… this all could’ve been avoided.” You choose all your words carefully and talk gently. “You have to take care of yourself.” you finish up and dispose of the waste. Then, you chance to place a hand on his knee and add with a smile, “I won’t always be there to do it for you.”

Jihoon, who has been looking down while you speak, looks up into your eyes with a look of resignation on his face and a slight smirk. “You don’t, like, make house calls or anything, do you?”

You laugh and lightly hit his knee you were once holding, “Of course not! But, if you have any questions,” you produce a slip of paper from your pocket, “shoot me a text or something.”

Jihoon takes the piece of paper and sees a phone number written inside. He breaks into a genuine smile as he runs his fingers over the numbers to make sure he’s not still dreaming. He speaks up before you leave for good, “I might have a lot of questions. Can I ask them over coffee? Tomorrow, maybe?”

You raise your eyebrows, “You sure you're not too busy?”

“I’m sure. I’m gonna take my health a lot more seriously now. Starting with having a date with the cute nurse.”

You blush, but before you can come up with a cute response, your pager sounds. You manage to say through a smile, “Get out of here! Your discharge paperwork is at the desk,” before speed walking out of the door to attend to the next patient.

Jihoon takes a beat, smiling to himself before gathering his things to leave the hospital. He is serious about staying healthy and conscious for his job and fans and to impress a certain nurse with his ability to improve by himself. Though, having you around to bring him back to life sometimes is certainly a plus.

[jesters-constantly-writing]

HIII!!🎀

First of all, your page/ aesthetic is so cute!!! Also TBHK writer spotted :0!!!

I'm a sucker for tbhk 😞🫶

So could I please request Teru Minamoto with an s/o who likes making things and gifting them to him? Like you know, those people with ten bazillion hobbies? Maybe they knit/crochet him a muffler or bake him cookies or sculpt him something from clay or make him a paper bouquet or make them matching stuff, etc!!

I'd really appreciate it if you could write for me! I really, really like Teru's character-

But it's okayy if you reject my request!🫶🫶

Thank you for your time!! Hope your blog grows rapidly 💌!

A/N: OH MY GOD HIIIII AHHHHHH IM SO SORRY I DIDNT GET TO THIS SOONER, ITS BEEN SUPER BUSY WITH ME DHSKSBKSS!!! YOURE AWESOME AND IM ALSO A SUCKER FOR TBHKKKKKKK 😞🙏🏻

TY FOR COMPLIMENTS AND REQUEST, HOPE TO GET MORE FROM YOUU <333

SORRY IF TERU IS KIND OF OOC ITS BEEN A HOT MINUTE SINCE IVE WATCHED TBHKKKK BUT HERE WE GOOOOO!!! ENJOY!! :3

CW: None

Genre: Pure FLUFF

Synopsis:

Teru Minamoto—one of the most popular guys in school—gets gifts all the time. Not a big deal, right? He never seemed to mind much. Not until you came along <3

This is GN!Reader btw, hope ya don’t mind :3

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Wow…. Yet another gift? You sure you aren’t getting tired of them?” A peer of Teru’s questioned as he stared at the gift bag that was left on his desk. He stared back at them and smiled.

“Jealous, are we?” He asked with a smile. Currently, he was sporting a necklace made by his partner. His partner was notorious for gifting him many things. Why in the bag, there was fresh cookies, a knitted sweater, a clay painted heart, and a scrapbook. His partner, you, gave him so many things… they all laid carefully in his room. To be admired. To be worn. To be cherished.

“No I’m just…. How do you own so much stuff? Like…. Are you able to keep every single thing?!”

“Well of course I am. What kind of boyfriend would I be if I didn’t?” Teru smiled and picked up the bag and looked at the peer in question, “Now if you’ll excuse me…” He went off, to find his partner.

He made his way outside, a plethora of people talking as they looked at him and his bag, while he did so. He found you standing outside, trying to attempt to hide something as best as you could. He watched and smiled, walking closer. He was almost like a cat with the way he walked. Quietly, carefully…. Almost like he was meaning to scare you.

Teru put a gentle hand on your shoulder, making you jump slightly as you turned your head back to look at him. “Well hello there, darling.”

“Teru! Hi!” You smiled as you turned around, still keeping something hidden behind your back. Teru tried to look over to try and see what it is, but you made sure it was hidden nice and well.

“Darling? What are you hiding?”

“You’ll see in a moment! Tell me what you thought of your surprise!” You smiled as you walked closer to him, slightly elevating yourself to be closer to his lips. He smiled and kissed your head gently.

“They were all very thoughtful, like always, darling.” Teru smiled and ran a hand through your hair with his free hand, “Thank you, Y/N. I appreciate it every time…”

“Welllllllllllll….” You smiled as you pulled out what was behind your back. A stitched teddy bear….. you could tell it was home made based on the stitching job. Some of the threads were still hanging off—not yet cut off and the right eye wasn’t sewed perfectly on.

Teru stared for a moment, marveling in the work and craftsmanship of the bear. He smiled and looked at you, watching as you messed with your necklace. “You made this?”

“You know it! Finished it in class!” You smiled and hugged onto his arm. “You think it looks good? I couldn’t tell because it was my first time ever but I really wanted to go all out for you…”

“Oh darling…. It’s perfect.” Teru kissed your head and smiled at you with a soft sigh, “It’s perfect….. like everything you have for me….”

“Yay!! I’m glad!!” You exclaim with excitement, looking at him with the brightest smile ever. That smile. That’s why he loved everything you made him. Sure, it was nice to know he was cared for because of these gifts…. But it was also because it made you so happy. And it made him happy to know that you spent all this time and dedication on something you loved to do.

After a moment, you both began to walk home. He dropped you off at your home, walking home himself after. He made it to his house, greeting his younger brother and sister as he walked to his room to unwind.

Upon entering his room, one would see many gifts scattered around. On his desk you could see every claw creation, every matching necklace and bracelet, and paper flower bouquets you’ve ever made for him, on his walls every hand drawn card you’d ever handed him, a corner of his room filled with old cookie tins that used to be filled with the delicious treats you’d given him, and on a hook on the back of his door with every knitted scarf you’ve ever made him. He had everything. Every. Single. Thing.

He gently placed down the bear on his bed, placing the bag down and rummaging through it quietly to find where each part went. Up went another hand made card on the wall, down went another clay creation and freshly baked goods on his desk. Up went the knitted sweater on the book, down went the scrapbook onto his bed next to the bear.

He glanced around the room and smiled, sitting down. He messed with his necklace for a moment before grabbing the scrapbook, leisurely skimming through the book as he hummed a gentle tune to himself. The pictures you had managed to capture of you and him were cute. Just a compilation of your dates and study halls together. But it was still so damn sweet and he loved it so much.

He laid down on his bed for a moment, hugging onto the bear as he looked up to see the string of pictures of you and him on his ceiling. He smiled and took a deep breath, getting up again to place the scrapbook on his desk.

He was starting to lose room in his room, but he didn’t care. He didn’t care one bit. He loved every gift you ever made him and he refused to throw them away. He refused to ever put them away so the world couldn’t see them.

That would just be disrespectful to his darling, wouldn’t it?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N: AHHHHHH IM SO SORRY THIS IS SO SHORT DHSKSHSKSJSJS ITS BEEN A BIT SINCE IVE WRITTEN AN ACTUAL X READER 😞🙏🏻 I HOPE YOU ENJOYED!! MORE TO COME HOPEFULLY AND A MUCH MORE TIMELY MANNER!! HAVE A GOOD DAY/NIGHT!! AND REMEMBERED YOURE LOVED AND YOURE AMAZING <33

@jesters-constantly-writing

[cupfullofpapas]

(Yes I'm reusing this image too busy to doodle a new one :''( life has been super crazy as of late ) Second Vol in The Assistant series: In the arms of a Devil Rated: E F/M Cardinal Copia x F!Reader Papa Emeritus IV x F!Reader

Also read it on my Ao3 here Previous Vol. : The Assistant Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5

Part 6: Scent Your patience was nearing its end as you stood by the window looking over the ministries garden watching your fellow siblings of sin some tending to the gardens, some sitting below the few trees that offered an abundance of shade, the weather had decided to act right for once and allowed everyone a day outside, you however, decided to stay indoors. 

As much as you tried to convince yourself that things were okie dokie they weren't, you missed Copia like hell and your chest ached from it, well it was either that or allergies or perhaps both. You've considered talking to Gemma,  the only Prime mover you knew of who had been with her Papa during his touring era.

Each time you went to talk to her you gave yourself excuses not to bother her those excuses now becoming ridiculous. 

With everyone outside enjoying the sunny day the Abbey was quiet so you chose to sit in the cafeteria once the walls of your dorm room started to get to you feeling as if they were closing in. Sitting down at one of the many tables with a muffin you had gotten from the kitchen, picking little pieces off of it like an overgrown crab. 

Sweet Satan, you felt weird, you never thought you could miss someone this much you didn't even miss Secondo this much when he was out of the office for a long period of time... pausing you frowned, with all that had happened that sounded pretty harsh, being lost in thought you plucked another piece of the muffin popping it into your mouth followed by another.

"Child what's got you down in the dumps?."

The sudden voice made you jump looking up to see Sister Twist looking down at you her hands on her hips concern written all over her face. "Satanas, Twist don't spook me like that."  The redhead only shrugged before sitting in the chair across from you the thing giving a slight whine. 

"I forgot how cheesy these things were, you'd think with how much Imperator bitches about the budget and cash there would be a stockpile for new cafeteria chairs at least, things look like they're from the fuckin sixties" Twist snickered however when she didn't hear you join in either laughing or ragging on Imperator she knew something was on your mind. 

"Hey."  Twist snapped her fingers a few times getting your attention.  "Talk to me, what's eating at you, and don't say nothing 'cause momma Twist knows."   You rolled your eyes before answering.  "Just with the tour and all and.."  You trailed off looking for the right words. "You miss your man". Your cheeks turned a light shade of red nodding adverting your eyes from the older sister of sin.

"You miss Copia and you feel weird for missing him so much because you've never missed or depended on someone else who wasn't blood-related that and you feel like your heart is being ripped out through your rib cage."  You opened your mouth to speak however Twist held up her hand silencing you. 

"And even though you still talk to him on the phone or text it feels like it's not enough and yadda yadda."  You stayed silent staring at her before uttering a little 'fuck you' which made the older sibling laugh.   "There's nothing wrong with feeling this way, it's natural to feel this way when you miss someone you love."  

Love, you did love him right?, you remembered the day you told Secondo that you loved him back when he declared his love for you the thought put an uneasy pit in your stomach which caused you to push the muffin aside, why were you even asking yourself this?, you just had teenage phone sex last night with the man. You felt a hand rest on your shoulder Twist wore a kind smile.  "You'll know the answer when he comes back, sweetie."  You smiled and rested your hand above hers the moment was short-lived as Lenti came running into the cafeteria. 

"Twist! Omega, Divine, Alpha, and Terzo are fucking in the music room again!."   "Oh for the love of sweet Satan, those fuckers are gonna get a boot up their ass."   "Careful they might like that." You chimed in as Twist pushed the chair in heading to the music room complaining the entire way, the last time those four got into it in the music room Pebble's drumset was a casualty and Sister Imperator was furious about having to buy a whole new set for the ghoul. The sound of something hitting the floor and the yelling of Imperator's voice pulled you from your thoughts. "You daft idiots!, Be careful with this equipment it's very important and very expensive!."  Getting up from your seat you wandered over to the door seeing that the ghouls were moving a bunch of medical equipment, was someone sick?

"Sister?." you asked stepping from the cafeteria, Imperator turned quickly to face you a smile coming to her face her demeanor changing quickly.  "Hello dear." "What's all this?." "It is for Papa Nihil when he gets back from tour with Cardi, don't you worry about it I have everything under control" She offered the fakest of smiles before following the ghouls walking away her red heels clicking and clacking on the floor. 

The 'short time apart' felt more like years apart the only good thing that happened in your opinion was that Sister Imperator had given you the option of going back to your old dorm room or staying in the current one alongside Copia given the fact that you two were an item, you of course chose to stay in the shared room one because you did not feel like packing everything up and two once Copia got back you were going to stick to him like glue. 

Your day off finally came, the day when you could just lay around your dorm room and not have to worry about anything other than flopping your face into Copia's pillow and breathing in the fleeting scent you hadn't even bothered to change out of your pajamas.

 Rolling over in bed you went face-first into the soft depths of your Cardinal's pillow breathing in-- it was then that you realized that his scent was gone from the fabric, you started to think, what could you do? you needed his scent you needed to feel as if he was there, the worry was starting to set in, and then it hit you.. but were you that desperate?

.....Yes, yes you were...

 Scooting closer to the edge of his side of the bed you opened the nightstand digging around in the drawer. Sometimes the lack of organization of his personal items got to you and made you want to shake him but on the other hand, it also gave you things to do. While you were on your search you looked at some of the things he had tucked away in there. 

A list of numbers, a few unopened juice boxes, several pens, pictures, loose change, and receipts however it wasn't just any receipts they were from the couple nights you and him half-assedly eloped there was even one from the gas station. A smile had worked its way to your face as you looked over each one recounting each item there was also a list there in his scratchy handwriting of things you liked and didn't like, your smile only grew wider as your fingers slid over the indented paper following the pen marks the Chinese menu you both had ordered from. 

You remembered when you accidentally launched a shrimp at the television screen that night, the memory earned a quiet laugh, putting the items back you were on the move again until your searching fingers finally found what you were looking for.

Closing the nightstand's drawer you sat up holding a bottle, it was Copia's cologne your thumb ran over the elegant lettering feeling the different textures on the label, after mentally telling yourself how crazy and weird you were several small sprays were sprayed onto his pillow and one on yourself.

The bottle was placed back inside the nightstand drawer, and the pillow now damp with the scent was turned over the damp side against the bed sheet once again you flopped face-first into it this time being hit with the strong scent of your man. You felt your whole body tingle and warm up as soon as you breathed in his scent your skin prickling with goosebumps, it made you giddy picturing Copia there with you tangled up in the blankets enjoying your time together. 

It was weird sometimes, how a simple scent could make a body heat up, your thighs squeezed together dulling the throb that started as soon as his scent filled your nostrils, your mind thinking about those hands of his and the way they felt when he slid them along your body and gripped your soft flesh the smooth of the leather.   Your hand has started to trace the patterns on your body picturing that they were his fingers, his palms, and you were a willing victim under his expert touches, your Cardinals name was whispered past your lips as your fingertips came to the swell of your pussy lips.

You could picture him there staring down at you, kissing you his fingers teasing you driving you wild, his tongue swirling with yours in the timeless dance of love. You were about to sink your fingers inside of yourself when there was a knock at the door making you halt your actions and look up. Rolling your eyes you stayed quiet maybe if you didn't make a sound whoever it was would just go away thinking that you weren't home, you thought it had worked but there the knocking was again, flopping your pillow over your face you groaned into it before getting up washing your hands and answering the door.  Unlocking the handle and deadbolt you opened the door being face to face with Sister Imperator once again at this point you almost swore this woman was stalking you. 

"Sister?."  You asked doing your best not to sound annoyed. "Evening, I have some-- unfortunate news for you."  -------------------------------------------- TAG LIST: Please message me if you would like to be added to the tag list! @thesoundresoundsecho @xpapaemeritus @copiasprincipessa @siouxbauhaus

[oh-no-its-bird]

Hey, it's the person who bombarded you with their idea about your team ro timetravel + team ro defects au. Just wanted to say I am. So sorry for my nonsence. It's not an excuse but at the time the Thoughts about Story were plaguing me and i needed to get them out of my head and i thought oh it's based off your au, maybe you'd like to see. But you neither asked for my insane ramblings nor even know me so like. I'm real sorry and pretty embarrased about dumping All That on you and if you wanna go ahead and delete the asks you absolutely can i'll probably feel less stupid if you do honestly. Again, very sorry for my bullshit and pls have a good day

Replying to this immediatley actually to not leave u in suspense but SHUT UP DONT APOLOGIZE I LOVED UR ASK IVE BEEN SUPER BUSY THIS WEEK IS ALL IM SO SORRY !!! BUT I ACTUALLY SAW UR ASK LIKE. AS SOON AS IT CAME IN. ABSOLOUTLEY DELIGHTED ME. THEN U SENT ANOTHER AND I WAS OUT HERE KICKING MY FEET TWIRLING MY HAIR READING IT , LITERALLY WENT "OHHHH ANOTHER ONE!!" OUTLOUD I WAS SO HAPPY

I like replying to my asks, especially ones involving prompts, whenever I'm in a specific headspace to write, bc I always wanna give the ask the long reply it deserves! I always feel so bad just replying w smthn short so I like to really sit down and give whatever I got sent my full attention. U sent me smthn so thoughtful I wanna send u smthn thoughtful back yk!!

I've been kinda brain dead latley tho so uhhh. I havent been replying to asks too much, oops !

BUT I STILL LOVE THEM ALL AND I LOVED URS SO MUCH, NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR DUMPING UR IDEAS IN MY ASKBOX, I LOVE HOW ENTHUSIASTIC U WERE IN THEM!!! I MEANS SO MUCH TO ME TO BE ABLE TO SEE MY IDEAS GIVE OTHER PEOPLE BRAIN WORMS IM SCREAMING FR!! THANK U SM FOR UR ASK I LOVED IT AND I STILL LOVE IT AND I WILL REPLY. SOON. EVENTUALLY. PROBABLY THIS WEEK IDK I HAVE A LOT GOING ON. BUT I LOVED IT THO THANK U

[surlifen]

guide to surlis sonas

aka an excuse to Poast Images and drone on because I love to do that!

current main sona I think and closest to a truesona: this otter guy who remains unnamed because all the names that are my name have already been used at this point LMAO

art by nepeteaa and by me! I'd honestly draw him more often if he weren't hard to draw? surli was easy because. Fox. (and Generic Thin whereas my body type is, while still pretty thin, specific in a way that's hard for me to draw) and honestly I enjoy drawing him more oTL.... otters are super hard to stylize cutely + in a way that looks Like Me... surli does not look Like Me teebeehaiche

surli fennec surlifen main sona of the past and still like... kind of me it's complicated

imbages by jilf and vhsdruid

i kinda ended up disconnecting from his Design as a Whole and the alt palette didn't really fix it but nonetheless he's never leaving my possession. it's weird cause my brain can really only connect fully to one character per Thing/Setting as a Sona who is Me so ever since splitting off into otter I don't feel FULLY connected to either the way I once did to surli :( but I am experimenting with having multiple sonas and maybe ill try that thing people do where they also do sonas for different Aspects of themselves so I don't just have an army of Normal Nice Blonds

pokesona: liam

art by me, cicadaghost, me

not much 2 say he is me pokemonned! he's much Smaller Cuter than I am and I really enjoy his simple design + imagining him in the pokemon world :3 like what berries he'd like best and what specific cities/landmarks he hangs out at... hiking in ilex forest and visiting the national park yk

lee: bunny....sona....?

art by me, purrker

he was a bit of an experiment in "CAN I have more than one fursona?" and also "CAN I make a sona who isn't Exactly Like Me?" i've always seen people whose sonas have Supernatural Elements and been like how can you do that. I respect it so much but if EYE am a normal human person how can I connect to something with strange abilities and qualities. and I still couldn't go so far as like... my friend whose sona is an honest to god several stories tall kaiju with a backstory and shit, but lee has supernatural luck and a connection to/control of storms/lightning because that's sick and awesome and cool. and also glows and has cool antlers when he wants. he's not as me as the others but he's there and he's not... NOT me?

fucking... willie dustice, silver city "self-insert" joke guy

unfortunately I DO love his stupid ass. you know how sometimes in a comic or animated show there'll be some obscure reference to one of the creators or someone on the team like as a gag that goes over most people's heads well he's supposed to be that. his appearance is me at my worst (needs haircut + shave) and he has the OP superpower of putting people in pocket dimensions of altered reality he controls entirely but he ONLY uses it to make stupid filler bottle episodes like They All Have To Play Softball or Beach Episode or whatever. represents my oft-abused ability as a creator to Put Those Guys in a Situation. he's not so much a sona (cause if I made a silver city sona it would be genuine not this greasy freak) but he sure is Representative of Me.

horse: horse

i was challenged to make a horsesona. I don't plan to do anything with him but kept him around because I liked his design. someday I might make a more natural horse sona for in case I ever joined some kind of equine rp setting or some shit equivalent but for now my sparklehorse

spinxynsona: coast

art by capricorne, me, me

coasty woasty... made for the nephfei world for the spinxyn closed species. first closed species sona ive ever had and i think hes neat! nephfei is such a well designed world that is really conducive to stories and characters influencing each other's arcs but coast is just some guy he's just there. he just lives there and minds his own business. (he has no gifts or curses so nothing really requiring a Story) but maybe i should get him some Friends at least maybe i can have a sona who has Story OC Friends from other people and still be like yes thats me if i was friends with everybody's ocs

dnd character who was based on me: august

art by me, thembodino

it was suggested since I have a very hard time being In Character (i get so self conscious) that I start with a character similar to myself! so august is incredibly Just Me FR. if i were to go on an adventure i would be bad at it and terrified. his campaign is suspended due to Life but i accidentally, due to knowing nothing, picked a pretty OP blend of stats that has made him bizarrely competent (not like. the best in the party or anything but he really can hold his own and once like critted twice and turned invisible and flew and killed a dragon) and honestly that's hilarious and I like it for him

that's it! the rest of my characters are just characters not sonas though I still love them dearly, some of them even more than some of my sonas i won't name names though ty if you made it this far. i love to Talk

[artemis-b-writes]

A/N: Hey yallll sorry for not posting for like a month. i wish I had a super cool, funny excuse for why I was gone but I'm just so busy with work and was too tired to write in the evenings. BUT ANYWAYS at least this chapter is a longer one, I hope Yall enjoy!!!

*Radio Static* Is anyone there? If you can hear me please...anyone, say something...*Radio Cuts Out*

Chapter Four- Beware 

Late August/Early September, 2010- 

His eyes shot open. He was drenched in sweat laying alone in a hospital bed. Why the hell was he in a hospital bed? Oh, right. He’d been in a coma from a GSW in the line of duty. Rick looked over to his left to see a vase full of dead flowers with cards littered around it. He looked to his right and saw…blood? It was splattered on the window of the glass. He removed his IV and groaned as he tried, and failed to stand up off the bed. (Who knew you would have no muscle tone after being in a coma?) 

The hospital sounded..quiet, deserted even. 

Where on earth was everyone? Was he alone? Why was a gurney blocking his room door? He made note of his surroundings, blood splatters covered the walls. All he could do was stand frozen in fear.

Where was his family? Were his wife and children safe?

He darted back into his room to look at the cards that littered his bedside table.

 He gingerly picked one up and opened it:

“Hi daddy, It’s August 26th and the doctor says you should be waking up soon. Please wake up soon, it's not the same without you. Mom and I have been fighting more…I try to get along with her but it’s so hard without you here. Carl is doing good though and misses you everyday. Wake up soon please. Love, Victoria.”

Rick searched for more letters but that was the last one his daughter had written him. He had to find his family. Rick ventured back out into the hospital. He was horrified at how rundown King County General looked. He was used to seeing blood occasionally in his job, but not to this scale.

The blood ricocheted across the walls and splattered all along the ceiling. 

Rick walked through the halls, following the faintest sound, the only sound.

Groaning? And the sound of someone trying to break a door down? 

Maybe someone was here to help him. Rick stumbled as he tried to quicken his pace, praying someone was here to tell him what was going wrong. 

Instead he saw a woman in teal scrubs locked in a hallway. As Rick approached the door she lifted her head.

Her eyes were glazed over and blood dripped out of her mouth. The sight would’ve made Rick gag if he wasn’t frozen in fear. The woman was groaning, like she was trying to speak to him. 

“H….hun…gry” She gurgled. 

Wait. Rick had to be imagining things…she looked dead, she couldn’t possibly be speaking. Could she?

“Are you alright? Can you tell me what happened?” Rick’s voice shook. He tried to swallow down his fear. The woman rushed up to the glass and began to bang on the window. 

Her screams were animalistic. She was animalistic. 

He slowly backed away and started to head for an exit that he knew wasn’t far. He again followed the faint sound of banging that he prayed was more welcoming than the sight he’d just discovered. 

The lights flickered lazily. But it still caused shivers to erupt up and down his spine. 

Shivers turned into nervous shakes despite how hot he was. 

Do not open- dead inside

Dead. Inside.

The only thing holding back the apparent dead were the chains that were wrapped through the handles ten, twenty fold. Rick’s eyes were so wide they looked as if they may pop out of his head. This all had to be a horrible nightmare right?? Right??

Rick turned back the way he came and stumbled, trying to quicken his pace so he could get the hell out of dodge. When he found the side exit to the hospital, he had to use quite a bit to strength to shove the door open.

The sun gave Rick a strong awakened welcome, he recoiled at its presence: the heat nipped at his skin and his arm immediately raised to shade his face. When he adjusted to the hard rays coming down, he noticed the bodies. 

Rows upon rows of white body bags. Had the military come? This was certainly not something the local police department would have the resources to handle. 

He walked amongst the bodies that littered the hospital parking lot. Searching for any faces he knew. He let out a sigh of relief when he didn’t see his family.

That sigh of relief was caught in his throat at the sight of a crashed helicopter and a slew of more bodies littered before him. Rick decided to cut across the street, he needed to get home.

A bright red bike caught his attention. That's how he’d get home. 

The sound of hissing averted his attention from the bike down to the ground.

He fell backwards at the sight before him; a turned woman who had no lower extremities. Her ribs were exposed on either side, possibly from rubbing against the ground or maybe even from something trying to eat her. Her skin was almost a sickly yellowish green, her eyes glazed over with the same hue of color.

She stretched her arms out and groaned at Rick, her attempts to move were futile and her rotted body was decaying from starvation. 

Rick shook his head, he couldn’t do anything for the woman. He picked himself up and began to bike through the town. To home.

The streets were empty, littered with paper and trash. All Rick could think of was if his family was safe or not. Surely they were safe, Lori wasn’t dumb and Victoria would do whatever it took to protect them. 

Rick rode up to the front door of his house wide open. He tripped up the stairs and stopped right at the entrance. Terror shook his entire being.

“Lori?” He called out as he entered the house, an unsettling breeze made its way through the still house. In all the years he’d had his family, his house was never still. 

“Carl??” Rick ran into the house, looking through the bedrooms to see if his son could be found at all. “CARL?!” Rick ran into the living room and saw a broken picture frame of his family. Rick and Lori were sat at the top and a 12 year old Victoria could be seen holding her little brother, their smiles were both so full of life.

Everything he was feeling began to bubble over as Rick felt himself hit the ground. Sobs wracked through his entire body, but only for a moment. 

He could hear someone outside.

“Victoria?! Baby?!” Rick called out as he stumbled back outside, his grief filled mind must have been playing tricks on him. But there was a man dressed in black stumbling through the street.

Rick felt like he was trapped in a bad dream, waiting to wake up in the hospital and hold his family again. But something deep in the dark of his mind told him that he would never wake up, that this wasn’t a dream. His family wasn’t coming home.

For the first time in his life; Rick Grimes was alone. 

Rick watched as a man walked up to the carcass walking the street and shot him in the back of the head, he went limp and hit the ground. He was in shock and not paying attention to the danger approaching from behind. He was definitely going to have a headache later. 

*snap* Rick turned to see what was behind him. Praying it was someone he knew. Maybe it was Carl. He was wrong. The shovel came in contact with his face with quite a force, knocking him to the ground. His vision was blurred as he fought back the feeling of his brain being tossed around in his skull. He looked up to see the blurred silhouette of a small boy.

“DADDY! I GOT HIM! I GOT THE SUMBITCH AND ILL KILL HIM DEAD!”

“Carl?” 

A man came up behind the boy as Rick’s vision began to clear, his voice was muffled but he seemed to be assuring the boy that he did not need to kill Rick. What was going on? Why would this boy want to kill him. And why did the man standing before him also kill the man he saw in the street? Rick had a lot of questions and seemingly no answers.

“Whats that bandage for?!” The man pointed his revolver at Rick’s head. Rick gave the man a confused look, he was talking but Rick had no idea what he was saying. His head was swimming and his vision began to blur again. The ringing in his ears increased rapidly until everything went black.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Morgan thought about shooting the man in that moment but he didn’t look sick, not like the things that roamed the street. He had his son to think about, why was he doubting his decision? 

“Duane, keep an eye out for Walkers, we’re going to bring him back with us.” 

His son opened his mouth ready to argue but Morgan’s decision was firm, something in him just knew they needed to save this stranger. 

Morgan carried the man over his shoulder, thankfully the house they took refuge in wasn't far so they had very little interaction with any walkers. Unfortunately the sound from Morgan’s gun had brought attention and more started to come out from hiding.

Morgan laid the man in the upstairs bed and pulled back his bandages. Instead of a bite, he saw a wound that needed to be cleaned. It was a miracle that the wound hadn’t caused the man to turn. Morgan cleaned his wound, and the blood off of his face. He must have passed out from a mix of the shovel to the face and pure shock. As the stranger slept, Morgan grew more curious about his situation.

After some time Rick finally woke up. (Girl it’s been like an hour. What do you mean finally? Like calm down.)

Rick woke up, laying in a soft bed unsure of his surroundings. He tried to move but it seemed both his arms were tied up high to either side of the bed.  He scanned the room and made eye contact with the boy, Duane, holding a baseball bat. Meaning Rick needed to tread lightly.

Morgan stood at the side of the bed as he put his first aid kit away.

“That wound…it was pretty rank. What was it?” 

Rick seemed puzzled by the question. That was the second time he’d been asked by this man about his wound. Was it a crime to be a wounded man now?

“It was a gunshot.” He answered plainly, it was the truth after all. But Morgan didn’t seem satisfied, he scoffed and made his way to the bed. He was looking for a different answer.

“I ask and you answer alright?”

Rick nodded.

“Did you get bit?” Morgan made sure to emphasize every word. Rick wanted to know why everyone was so concerned over bites. But he had noticed that the people he’d seen in and around the hospital had been bitten…

“Bit? I don’t understand?”

“Bit, chewed, scratched, anything?!”

Rick shook his head in a firm no. He’d been shot, he told this man many times he’d been shot. The only thing he wanted to do was get released from the bed he was tied to so that he could find his family. 

It was also very clear to Rick that this man was not one to be messed with. He was prepared to kill him at any moment. Morgan checked Rick and confirmed he didn’t have a fever. That seemed to give Morgan enough satisfaction to cut Rick from the bed. He then took his son and left the room.

Rick sat for a moment and contemplated his options. He needed to figure out what was going on, then he would go find his family. Rick took a blanket from the bed and headed downstairs. This house was familiar, he’d been here before. 

“This is the Drakes house; Fred and Cindy Drake.” He spoke aloud as he rounded the living room. Morgan and his son were setting places at the dining room table.

“Never knew em”

“I did.” Rick paused…where were Fred and Cindy now? “This is their house.” He finished.

“It was empty when we got here.” Morgan huffed.

“Why did you shoot that man?” Rick asked, sitting down at the table. Morgan gave him a puzzled look.

“That wasn’t a man” Duane piped up. 

And that’s how Rick Grimes found out that the world he knew had absolutely shattered as he slept. That’s why everyone was gone, and the people who were left weren’t actually people….Walkers, Morgan called them. Some kind of virus was spreading through any kind of break in the skin, but mostly through bites. The virus caused people to have aggressive, cannibalistic tendencies. They were like animals. Noise and bright lights drew them closer and they seemed to be more active at night.

“Stay the night and then you can head out in the morning. I would head to Atlanta, there’s refugee camps there.” 

“Thank you,” Rick nodded. “I’ll look for my family in Atlanta.”

Meanwhile in Atlanta:

“GLEN I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU DON'T PUMP THOSE SKINNY LEGS HARDER I'M NOT SAVING YOUR ASS!” 

“I’M TRYING!”

Victoria and Glen bolted through the back alleys of Atlanta. With a herd not far behind them. Glen got the bright idea to do a test run before taking a group, and somehow Victoria ended up going with him.

She knew exactly how she ended up here, she was trying to get away from Shane and her mother. But that's neither here nor there. 

The only reason the two knew where to go was because Glen was familiar with the area. Apparently being a pizza delivery boy was a hot commodity in the big city.

They ran through the streets hoping to find a breaking point. Victoria gripped her hunting knife tightly, pressing little crescents into her palm from her nails. They still needed a few supplies to get them through the night. 

“Glen, that convenience store looks good, no?” 

Glen just hooded furiously, all his energy was going into not dying. 

The two made it into the convenience store, barely escaping the herd. They took shelves from around them and boarded up the door. They finally had a moment to breathe. Victoria would’ve laughed at the whole situation if she wasn’t so concerned on not dying. 

The trip hadn’t been bad, they took a car and drove into Atlanta. Stopping at a pharmacy and a few small buildings which were dead ends. But now? Now they were stuck in a convenience store praying the shelves would hold up. They would find and exit later. 

In the last few weeks Glen and Carl had been her saving graces. Shane did hear Victoria's warnings and hadn’t made any advances with Lori…in the camp anyways. But she could tell they were…doing things. The idea alone made her skin crawl.

“Hey, we should probably look around before we let our guards down completely.” Victoria swallowed hard. Her ankle hadn’t fully healed and she could feel that pain shoot up her entire side. 

Glen nodded. Victoria kept that tight grip as she stalked through the store, in an attempt to keep quiet. Thankfully the store was clear. So she and Glen got to work. Mostly canned goods, waters, any packaged non-perishables.

“Oh fuck yes I found a Charleston chew!” Victoria held the candy bar up high like she’d just struck gold. 

“Ew those are nasty.” Glen shook his head. Victoria whipped around to face him, she was slack jawed.

“Bitch who raised you?!” She gawked.

“People with good taste. Those don’t even taste like anything.” He laughed. 

Victoria made a mental note to never let Glen pick road trip snacks, he had no idea what he was talking about. Charleston Chews were a childhood staple and she would not let her friend slander them.

“Well, do you want to talk about what’s been bothering you?” Glen piped up as they sat on the floor and counted their supplies.

“Hard no.” She shot back. He nodded, respecting the determined tone in her voice. She wasn’t sure if it was respect or fear but she’d hoped it was just her friend not wanting to die by her hand. 

Victoria looked down at the little pile she and Glen had collected. Canned veggies, sausages, beans AND beanie weenies. They had the goods for now. The run tomorrow would be a lot more stuff and Glen would have to take a bigger group. The pain in Victoria's leg lingered in the bag of her mind, demanding rest.

“Well we got out shit, let’s go.” Victoria hopped up and held out a hand to help Glen up. 

“Wait…we blocked the only exit. How do we get out now?”

Victoria pressed her ear near the back door, there was definitely still a herd waiting to get their meal. Victoria had no intention of being on the lunch menu. She had always been quick on her feet, Glen was too, so she had no worries they wouldn’t make it out.

“Well…” Victoria scanned the store looking for any other exit that wasn’t the boarded up front door. Bingo. “we’re going to crawl through that skylight above the deli. At least from the roof we can get a better look.”

Victoria hopped up onto the deli counter and tried to see if the skylight would open. But she wasn’t quite tall enough to reach. Why the hell are these ceilings so high?

“Glen, get up here and let me stand on your shoulders.”

“What?!”

“You heard me. Up, now.”

Glen scrambled up onto the deli counter, and Victoria proceeded to climb onto his shoulders. Glen made sure his protest were known, but Victoria elected to not hear him. They had shit to do, like get home without dying. 

“Um, Victoria?” 

“What?!” She stood on his shoulders, annoyed at the sudden wobbling beneath her. “I almost got it, just hold still!!”

*crash* Well shit. Victoria craned her neck behind her and made eye contact with a walker that had broken a glass door she hadn’t seen. Her patience, with how sentient these walkers were, was growing thin. She turned back to the glass and tried to use the handle of her knife to break it. Glen urged Victoria to hurry up because the walkers were getting closer.

“H..hungry” The leader of the herd gurgled as blood fell out of his mouth. Glen and Victoria held back their gags. The problem came when they tried to crawl over the counter, grabbing at Glen's legs. But before the walker could take a chunk out of him, Victoria broke the window, hooked her legs around Glen's waist and pulled the two of them up through the skylight. 

“Shit that was way too close.” Victoria huffed, laying out along the roof. Glen stumbled across the roof and vomited over the side. Victoria pushed herself up off the hot concrete and walked over to meet him. They only had two problems; they had no car, and a herd of walkers was probably trying to make their way onto the roof with them. 

At least with the herd in the deli, it left the ground below them relatively clear of danger. And they were fast, they could make it to a vehicle and get the hell out of dodge. Piece of cake….right?

“Over there, that jeep might work?” Glen pointed across the road to a tan Jeep. Victoria pulled her hair back so it was out of her face. 

“Fuck it let’s go.” 

They jogged across the roof to the other side, where they were just ahead of the jeep. Victoria peered over the edge. There were a couple walkers wandering the street but Victoria was confident they could make it the short distance to the jeep. She just prayed it was unlocked and functional.

“Okay I’ll go in front, but stay close and cover me.”

Glen swallowed hard but nodded anyways. Victoria wouldn’t admit to him that she was also scared shitless but they just needed to get it over with. She threw a leg over the side and slid down the ladder, Glen came down behind her and they bolted to the Jeep. Great. Of course it has to be locked. 

Even better, here come Walkers. 

Victoria looked around to see if there was anything she could use to pick the lock. Glen broke the Antenna off and tossed it to her. 

“Come on Tori, hurry up please.” 

She fiddled with the lock and got it open. They both jumped in the car and slammed the doors right as the herd tried to swarm them. No Keys. Wonderful, she’d just have to improvise. Victoria popped open the compartment underneath the steering wheel and started to get to work.

“Do I even know how you know how to Hotwire a car?”

“My dad used to be a cop, I picked up a thing or two. Don’t worry about it.”

She fiddled with the wire and shoved the antenna into the ignition. The Jeep roared to life. Victoria threw it into reverse and backed over the walkers that tried to break the windows around the Jeep. 

They peeled out of Atlanta and Victoria sped all the way back to camp. They sat in silence for most of the drive. As far as Victoria was concerned they didn’t need to go back to the city they could find a town to raid. 

They pulled into the camp, Carl barreled into her. 

“Thank goodness you’re back.” 

She laughed and hugged him tight. He walked back to the jeep with her and grabbed one of the duffle bags full of supplies. Everyone came to greet them, glad that the two of them made it home. Victoria couldn’t help but notice that her mom and Shane were missing…

After getting the supplies unloaded and checking in with Dale, Victoria decided to head down to the lake to try and wash the sweat off. 

“What the FUCK?!” Victoria walked up on her mom and Shane in quite a compromising position. Lori yelped and pushed Shane off of her. “I can’t BELIEVE YOU!” Victoria screamed in horror. Shane tried to shush her but she only raised her voice higher.

“Baby….baby please, please be quiet.” Lori begged. She tried to get close to Victoria but she backed away.

“You have a husband, may I remind you.” Victoria scoffed. “I can’t believe the two of you I’m fucking DISGUSTED.” 

“You can’t tell anyone.” Shane demanded. Victoria laughed dryly at his demands. She paced back and forth. “Carl doesn’t know. You cannot say anything.” 

Victoria stopped in her tracks. And looked over to him, she wanted nothing more than to wrap her hand around his throat and squeeze until he stopped moving. 

“I’m only doing this for Carl. You’re going to hate yourself when dad gets home Lori, just as much as I hate you right now.” She spat. She stomped back up the hill, Daryl ran down to see if she was okay, and she’d assured him she just scared herself in the woods but everything was fine. She was just still jumpy from being in the city. 

She spent the rest of the day avoiding them unless absolutely necessary. She stuck close to Carl, knowing if she was with him Shane would leave him alone. Her whole body was hot and she was shaking with anger. She made a promise to Shane and she intended to act upon it, but for now she just needed to focus on Carl and finding her dad. 

Taglist - @ebodebo @starsofang

[s0m3b0dy2u]

this is a vent

feel free to ignore

so, a few weeks ago i told a few friends of mine that i couldn't be friends anymore for the sake of my mental health

(this is the one thats relevant rn):

a little bit of context: this girl (we'll call her a for now) was one of my irl friends. i moved up here around 4 years ago, and she was one of my first friends. we didnt talk a lot, but we had a kind of mutual respect for each other, id like to believe. the next year or wtv though we were fighting constantly, and (slight TW)(i dont remember if she told me to kms or if she threatened to kill herself but something like that happened). after that we didnt talk for god knows how long and then we were friends again. we were decent friends until last year, when a certain other girl (lets call her a-) moved up here and instantly integrated into the friend group. the 3 of us as well as another person (j) were like best friends... except not really. i started dating a- and it all went downhill from here. around a- and j i felt totally invisible, and a was the only one that didnt make me feel like that. i voiced my concerns to a. thennnn some fucking shit happened. a- got with j and then broke up with me, i did some things that i was never and wont ever be proud of (they said i was using my mental healthy as an excuse and it was never an excuse, what i did and what i said was so shitty but yk wtv), shit talking each other back and forth etc. at the time j was dating my best friend (t) but they were together for like years i think but j was super toxic and then they broke up one day, j called t the n-word (hard r) and a- also called t a slur

slight TW:

(we're getting off topic now)

anyway, a continued being best friends with a- and then i started feeling invisible around that whole fg

i was constantly being left out, ex:

a and their friends went to the mall together when i not even weeks before proposed the idea, this kinda shit continued for nearly a year i think (it at least feels that long anyway)

they became close friends with a girl who used to be one of my best friends (m) and m was like "oh, we should hang out" (to me) but was always apparently too busy hanging out with a and a- or whatever

whenever a- was in the room i was literally invisible and i got sick of it

a and m only ever talked to me when it was convenient for them or it was just me and one of them in any given room

id already addressed this issue in the past and they didnt listen

this hurt me

i told them politely i couldnt be their friend rn for the sake of my mental health

i valued their friendship more than anything

but now im "playing the victim" and im toxic and im the asshole for genuinely putting myself first and trying to fucking heal

plus it was a personal boundary, i just cant be friends with anyone thats friends with a-

because when she's around it always goes back to there being drama

we were fine before she moved here

but now ive lost countless friends and my mental health is sinking farther with each day and i just wanna kms but i cant, theres so many reasons why i cant

and, were in highschool, word travels, of course it does

i heard that a brought up something

specifically:

at least im pretty sure this is what they were referencing

(also, this, idk if this is related tho?)

anyway

either a blew it out of proportion, or the story got blown out of proportion as it passed from ear to ear but the version i heard is not what fucking happened at all

ill be honest, the girl the person was talking about i had a crush on

i was on vc with that person when this went down

ill say, ive always been super hypersexual, i feel like thats safe to say

up until this point, my thoughts about my crush were always super respectful, to the point where i felt guilty even being in her presence like as a bystander like shes so worth the world and ill just hurt her by being around type shit

when we were having that conversation i legitimately wasnt thinking about anything, just the thought of thinking bout her that way had me red

when i tell you those were the tamest "sexual" intrusive thoughts i ever had

and i still felt so guilty

like i thought about making out with her and her kissing my neck and that was it

and i was so ashamed, im still ashamed, im not proud of myself at all i feel so small and "oh youre playing the victim again" literally gfys

theres nothing i hate more than feeling so pathetic, so why would i make myself the victim?

she (a) also said (on multiple occasions) that i didnt like several ppl in that group which is blatantly false. i never really disliked any of them (save a- and j, and now a too probably but even now saying i dislike her is too strong for what i feel)

on top of that she said im toxic which she knows is literally my biggest fear

like yeah ik im the asshole, im always in the wrong im so toxic because everyones always told me that

and to think once i felt better i was gonna try and tell her where i was coming from and why i cut her off, since i really valued her friendship

i know, though, that i dont need her around if shes gonna act like that, even if its to make herself feel better or to win the approval of others

anyway at least i got to go home early today because i had a mental breakdown about this ..・ヾ(。＞＜)シ

whats even worse is i cant talk to any of my friends about this bcs t is dear friends with a and my other friends literally would not care

if youre reading this, i love you (/p) have a great morning, day, afternoon, evening, or night

[emeritus-fuckers]

What's my role in the Ministry? (Ghost account: @gothdaddyissues)

1 - Sibling of Sin or Ghoul? Definitely a Sibling of Sin! While I love Ghouls, they are a bit too chaotic for me!

2 - Which Papa would I prefer to work with? Cardinal Copia / Papa IV - I relate to his energy (awkward, bad jokes, silly, secretly a ho - plus we're the same age)

3 - Introvert/ambivert/extrovert? 100% introvert. I don't have the mental energy to be super outgoing and 'fun at parties.' But if I connect with someone, I will gladly spend tons of time with them in contentment - it just has to be the right people, y'know?

4 - Chores? I love cooking/baking and I love organizing stuff. I keep things clean and tidy. Much prefer indoor chores to outdoor chores.

5 - Travel or stay at home? Unless it's somewhere I REALLY want to go, I'm staying home. I like being comfy.

6 - Freebie? I've been an Admin Assistant for decades and know my office/business shit. I love being creative, especially writing and making things with my hands. I generally like animals more than people (I have many pets, I feed wild animals, etc). I love goth/spooky stuff/ghosts/cemeteries/Tarot cards. I've been a rock 'n' roll girl since the 80's.

🖤💙🖤💙🖤💙

This post is part of the 1000 followers role in Ministry event. Entries (asks) for the event close on 23rd October.

Your role in the Ministry is… Personal assistant to Papa IV

Copia saw how good you were at your job as an Admin Assistant and immediatly made you his PA. He relies on you. He also recognised someone with a similar energy to him.

He enjoys your company too. You often end up working together in contented silence or if you have time just chatting over a hot drink.

You also get to help write some of his speeches for him. He'll often give you tasks/ask for help with things that involve being creative.

He also wants to learn how to bake so you spend a few afternoons a week teaching him. He once opened a flour packet and it practically exploded flour going everywhere. Despite both of you trying to clean it up his hair was still looking a little greyer than usual for the service that evening.

He went through a particulary tough time with work being very busy. You tidied his office for him (which had become messy) and sorted all his work. He thanked you loads and gave you a massive hug. The next day you found flowers on your desk which he had picked from Primo's garden (he'd checked with Primo first).

You also get to spend a lot of time with his rats, they keep you company while you work (especially if Copia is away). You know them all by name and they all know you now.

Since you don't like travelling Copia always brings you something back from tour. If there is anywhere your really want to go he'll find an excuse to fly you out there.

~

Written by Nyx

[bookhighlightss]

Book Review on Imperfectly perfect series by Neva Altaj:

i. Painted Scars ( book #1 ) ( roman and nina )

1. Okay I've got complaints on this book because first of all what was this mentioning her " tiny " body that it ticked me off. WHAT TICKED ME OFF MORE IS HOW HE WAS LIKE SHE IS THE SAME HEIGHT AS ME WHILE IM SITTING DOWN. LIKE WHAT??!!! U MARRIED A CHILD OR SUMN???!!!!

2. What was her going on about being scared because he was HUGE and that scared her but at the same time validated bcs of her trauma but still.

3. I hated the fact that the fmc wasn't all strong and could fight n shit bcs um ur the pakhans wife???? What r u doing if ur not kicking ass????

4. Overall the book was um mid???

ii. Broken Whispers ( book #2 ) ( Mikhail and Bianca )

1. Okay love the fact that he was always obsessed with her and her whole ballet dance and him watching her was like so cute n shit.

2. The daughter father bond was peak so love it.

3. I absolutely also HATE the fact that she also wasn't a strong fmc bcs ur the daughter of another mafia leader????? Wdym???? I wanted kickass fmc.

4. AGAIN TINY PETITE BODY WILL BE THE DEATH OF ME but kinda will accept it cuz she's a ballet dancer. So fine I'll allow it.

5. HERE'S THE ICK IN THIS BOOK. he forces his ex to give birth to their child bcs she got pregnant and wanted an abortion....HE THREATENED TO KILL HER???!!!! And obv he's a man he wouldn't know the thousand problems that comes with pregnancy so makes sense yk don't let woman have her own right over her OWN body. Like srsly he's a book bf make him a green forest please.

6. Loved the book bcs it was a level up from the first mid book.

iii. Hidden Truths ( book #3 ) ( Sergei and Angelina )

1. Love the fact that the serial killer scenes were serial killing bcs wow they really went all graphic and I'm here for it. I'm sorry but they really gave justice to his psychotic character and behaviour when he was killing.

2. Okay this girl could fight so it's accepted.

3. The tiny and petite wasn't mentioned that much prolly bcs she starved herself but yea.

4. Okay she was retarded. Like hella retarded. SPOILERS AHEAD. basically their enemy said they would kill him if she didn't come back or wtv and SHE CHOSE TO HIDE FROM A MAN WHO WAS MADE INTO A WEAPON!!!!! like this guy could kill 3 ppl in 15 secs and u wanna hide this shit from him???? HE CAN SAVE HIS OWN LIFE!!!! YOU CANNOT!!!!! I hate it when main characters r all dumb and retarded and r like omg I was protecting him??? Hun.....he can fight trust me.

5. SPOILERS ENDED. um overall book was fine better than the second book.

iv. Ruined Secrets ( book #4 ) ( luca and Isabella )

1. This book is an ICK. ICK. ICK. ICK. They have a 16 yr age gap and idk bout u but that doesn't sit well with me. HE PRACTICALLY WATCHES HER GROW UP FROM WHEN SHE WAS 6!!!!! THAS NOT OKAY

2. Can I just say that the father daughter bond was not shown the tiniest bit in this book. She didn't even exist in the book like that less cameos. And that actually shows how he wasn't there for the daughter. Prolly would've been more scenes if the author wasn't busy putting more smut scenes but eh.

3. Okay she is super badass I will not lie. She did actually fit the role of a capos wife unlike the first book and I loved it.

4. Ummm he actually calls her HIS TEENAGE WIFE???!!!!! EXCUSE ME SIR???!!!! JAIL. HE LITERALLY SAYS I'LL WAIT TILL SHE IS 21???!!!! Excuse me??!!!! U don't wait!!!!! Thas a child!!!!! U said it urself. U could practically be her father. WHAT???!!!! Fr she was 19 he was 35 and thas not okay and it actually makes me pukish.

5. Also um the way her whole family was okay with them getting married bcs she has loved him since forever is a no. I'm sorry but thas a weird obsession and it needs to be gotten rid of and not fueled.

6.. THIS AUTHOR'S OBSESSION WITH THE FMC HAVING A TINY WAIST AND A TINY BODY WITH A HUGE ASS IS GETTING OUT OF HAND!!!!!!! I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

7. The plot is super nice tho. Fast paced but nice. If they minused the WAYYY TOO MUCH SMUT and age difference.

v. Stolen Touches ( book #5 ) ( Salvatore and milene )

1. To say I went through it while reading the book would be an understatement is just wild.

2. ICK. ICK. ICK. one this woman needs a reality check BCS TELL ME WHY all the characters she writes go through the absolute worst " mafia " torture but come back out with little harm LIKE BFFR thas impossible.

3. Can I just say the guy is psychotic bcs there's no way his hyperobsession was romanticised in the book the way it was. This is how serial killers are born. Okay this should have ended with him in therapy and divorce but okay I think it's not a shock that her are weird.

4. OKAY SO APPARENTLY THIS GUY BARELY SMILES AND WHEN HE HAS A DAUGHTER THAS WHEN HE DECIDED TO FINALLY SMILE???? you're telling me this girl went thru practically years without seeing her husband smile??? And he smiles for his new born baby for the first time??? Fuck off pls.

5. This book made me question my existence and will for life but thas just me idk.

vi. Fractured Souls ( book #6 ) ( Pavel and Asya )

1. This book had so much potential and the way she ruined it with smut😭. THIS COULDVE BEEN SO MUCH BETTER.

2. AGAIN THIS BOOK WAS BACK WITH THE TINY AND PETITE AND EXTRA SMOL OUTFITS🥺 like oh yea sure not only is there a 15 year age gap but there's also child fetish LESGOOOOO AND THE FAVT THAT HES BLONDE??? DAFAK??

3. Okay so the book starts off great and tbh I thought this book would have no smut or one smut scene BUT NO THE BITCH ASS AUTHOR PICKED A SENSITIVE TOPIC TO WRITE ABOUT AND SOMEHOW MANAGED TO ADD SMUT IN IT

4. Look here's my opinion even tho I'm a hea girly but I feel like this book would be SO MUCH BETTER if they didn't end up tgt yk...like she never got to grow her own wings and fly?? Like this was just transfer from one gold prison to a rotten prison to another gold prison but it's prison at the end of the day. Like if they never were together and she just became an artist and he actually continued depressed and on with his life even tho he fell in love with her but he knew she could do better than that life then it would have been beautiful. Also if they never fucked then it would be even more beautiful.

5. I actually liked this book way much more than the previous 5 bcs he was a green flag if we forget the age gap ( I did for my own sanity ). Also the mall scenes were so CRINGY that I had to put the book down or I'd cut a vein. AND ISTG IF A RANDOM TATTED MAN THOUGHT HE COULD SHUT ME UP WITH A GLARE IN A PUBLIC PLACE...THE WAY I'D FUVK HIM UP....

6. Overall this book had potential which was horribly destroyed. Thank you.

vii. Burned dreams ( book #7 ) ( Alessandro and Ravenna )

1. Am I saying this book is shit? Yes. But am I saying it's better than the first three? Hell yes. Ig it took her 6 books to get a tad better but it'll do. I didn't wanna kms by the end of it.

2. Okay um IF THIS WOMAN DOSENT QUIT WITH HER PETITE OBSESSION I WILL KMS AND BECOME FAT ASF SO NO ONE EVER CALLS ME PETITE AND SMALL.

3. So this book actually had a somewhat a good plot so ig I liked it. But um basically he has an ex wife who died but I just didn't like the way he moved on and fell in love again even tho it took him 8 yrs but meh.

4. Again the smut....ick....also the way her books are so predictable is annoying but it'll do ig.

viii. Silent lies ( book #8 ) ( Drago and Sienna )

1. Omg was this book the best out of all 8? Hell yes. Okay the usual icks were petite and tiny and the 16 year age gap but ATP I just make myself forget those two.

2. GREEN FLAG. GREEN FLAG. HES A GREEN FLAG. SPOILER AHEAD. so like when he finds out she went thru his phone and he thought she was a spy but she was just going thru his gallery BUT LIKE he never asked her what she saw on his phone and thought she was a spy but he decided to love her despite of it.

3. I fucking love her wardrobe and I need it desperately.

4. THE GIFTS. THE GIFTS. THE GODDAMN GIFTS AAAAAAHHHHHH

5. Okay genuinely I relate to her character a lot and this was fr fr grumpy x sunshine and I'm just happy about the fact that this was the first proper book in the series so yea

ix. Darkest sins ( book #9 ) ( Kai and Nera )

1. This book was the SHITTIEST of all books in this series. I got the ick throughout the book. I felt sick to my stomach and actually wanted to barf.

2. This man deserves to be in a high security jail or killed. There's no redemption for him bye. This book was crazy. He's a psycho killer and look Ive had my fair share of reading those kinds of books but this one didn't even make sense.

3. Idek if I can call their romance Stockholm syndrome bcs it's worse than that and there is no romance in this its basically him lusting after a child and objectifying her.

4. ISTG IF THIS AUTHOR DOSENT STOP WITH FILLING THE BOOKS UP WITH SMUT TO THE BRIM. While the age gap of this book was acceptable ( 10 yrs ) the storyline was unacceptable and absolutely shit I couldnt even read it properly I just kept skipping bcs this book was just not it and horrible.

ix. Sweet prison ( book #10 )

( hasn't been published yet )

[foxxsnacks]

Daryl Dixon gt/Vore headcanons por favor 🥺🤲

HI HELLO YES IVE BEEN WAITING FOR AN ASK LIKE THIS SO I CAN GO ABSOLUTELY OFF THE RAILS INSANE

I apologize if some of these are ooc. I'm a bit delulu ❤️

He's always very gentle with tinies- even if they're being annoying, he's still very careful and wouldn't intentionally hurt them.

He's very awkward about holding tinies, tho. Sure, he holds them securely with both hands, but he likes to be able to do things with his hands and stay busy. Tinies will usually end up in a shirt pocket, or perched on his shoulder if it's a more calm environment.

He doesn't like tinies climbing around on him, it makes him a bit tense or nervous that they're gonna fall. Being on his shoulder and being stationary there is one thing- trying to climb up the back of his shirt is another.

He'll bring tinies or borrowers any sort of scraps he finds while out on runs. He doesn't really know what'll be useful to them, but if he spots something that he thinks could be useful in smaller hands, he'll grab it anyway.

Now into the vore stuff... *horrible gremlin laughter*

He doesn't strike me as the type to be particularly into mawplay- he's usually a swallow-and-done type of pred. But if his prey wants to linger in his mouth for a bit longer, he'll gladly let them since it gives him a sort of excuse to properly taste them more than he'll usually allow himself to.

He's not an aggressive pred a majority of the time- at least not towards willing prey- but he's not super gentle either. It's not intentional, he just doesn't really realize he can be a slight bit rough at times. If a prey points it out, he'll be more conscious of it and would probably mutter out a quiet apology and not much else.

He really, really loves willing prey. He won't admit it aloud, but he does.

He likes being able to hold someone he cares about close to him- it's one of the few times he's actually able to relax and feel like he's doing a proper job at protecting someone.

His belly is. Super fucking loud. That man has the diet of a rat in a New York dumpster, you can't tell me it's not noisy in there.

His stomach in general is really active no matter what, and might be a bit more slimy than what's normal- again, because of his awful diet.

He tries to hide it but when his stomach is particularly loud he does actually get a bit embarrassed by it. It's not super obvious, he's good at hiding his emotions, but if you know what to look for you can tell he's a bit flustered.

His voice is also very loud from inside. Like. He talks all low and gravelly so from inside his stomach it's super bassy and loud. He probably doesn't even realize how loud it is either until it's pointed out to him. He'll try to keep his voice down afterwards if it's someone he actually likes that's in his stomach, but otherwise he could care less.

At heart he's kind of a caretaker pred. He'll occasionally check in with his prey and press at his belly to see if they're alright and if they need anything. Not constantly, but often enough for it to be obvious that he cares.

He's not super touchy with his middle- at least not in public. If it's the right person, and he's away from prying eyes, however... his hands are practically glued onto his stomach. He doesn't usually rub, but when he does, it's slow and soothing- more for his own comfort than his prey's.

Belly rubs don't tend to do much for him... most of the time. Usually, he'll grumble something appreciative under his breath about it or other. But if it's timed correctly, and he's emotionally primed enough... oh, that man just breaks down. He's not used to being treated with gentle affection, so if it's coming from the right person at the right time he'll cry.

He refuses to eat anything with his prey. Not for any specific reasons, he just feels awkward doing it because he doesn't really see prey as any sort of food, and it feels weird to have them in his stomach while he eats.

Prey can expect to get squeezed a lot if he's in combat. He's got dense core muscle, and he throws himself around pretty violently, so being held tight is probably a good thing anyway. He'll check in with his prey afterwards to make sure they're okay, and maybe mutter a small apology for the 'bumpy ride'.

All of the softer stuff aside tho, he'd also be great for unwilling prey scenarios.

It's most likely that any sort of prey he eats that's unwilling is just being captured and contained temporarily. Be it a stranger he encounters, or someone from an enemy group.

He wouldn't go through with fatal stuff, I don't think, but he'd probably threaten it if the prey has info he needs, or if they're just flat out squirming too much.

He doesn't mind prey moving within him, but if they're outright fighting him he doesn't really like it. It doesn't hurt or feel uncomfortable, it's just hard for him to focus on much when there's some agitated prey thrashing around in his gut- and that can be detrimental in a dangerous situation.

Not surprising but he's very cold towards any sort of captured or enemy prey. He's not cruel, per say, but he's pretty much going to ignore them and just be snippy whenever he does talk to them at all. He won't purposefully pick at them or press at his belly much like that though, he deems it best to just let them sit and stew. If they're panicking, it's not his problem.

...at least, most of the time. If he's got someone who's outright crying and terrified of him he'll soften his approach a bit. Not by a whole lot- they're still a captive, after all- but he might confirm to them that no, they're safe, he's not intending to hurt them.

That's all I've got for right now nonnie!! I'll probably have more thoughts later it's 4am rn and my brain is fried so more asks abt my fav greasy man are more than welcome :)

[khodorkovskaya]

23.06.23

oh my god i saw my zurich friend yesterday and i have so much tea to spill.

so i was super excited to see him and i haven't seen him since my birthday and the whole day i was like ":)))) im gonna see my zurich friend yayyyy".

and okay a bit of context: so remember how i went to lugano for a business trip and on the train there we were texting back and forth with my zurich friend. and he was telling me about this greek girl he's been courting. but she rejected him bc he told her about how he got drunk when he was 15. the whole story was v weird. because she honestly came off as quite indecisive and pseudomoralistic. like who cares about getting drunk as a teenager 10 years ago? but anyway, it felt like she was just looking for an excuse to reject him bc she simply didn't like him that much. and so when we were talking that one time, he was saying how he wanted to text her and i was like nooo don't text her, no means no, she doesn't want you, leave her alone.

so fast forward to about a week ago. my friend and i are talking on insta and i ask him what he's been up to. and he says he went to lugano. and i was like oooo how was the trip? send pics? and he's the type of person who talks a lot over messages. like you ask him "what's up" and he sends paragraphs. but this time he just sends 3 pics of the lake in lugano and that's it. so i was like okay, he's probably busy, whatever, maybe the trip wasn't that interesting. i didn't think much of it tbh.

and last night we go out for a drink, start off with small talk like ohh how are things, how's uni, etc. and i ask him how his trip to lugano went.

and he goes red in the face, starts looking around and laughing nervously. and says "it was nice".

and im like bestie what's going on.

and he's like sweating, blushing, all of it. and says "yeah yeah no the trip was nice".

and im like 🤨

and he takes a deep breath and says "yeahhhhh i went with the greek girl".

and im like bro

didn't she reject you what happened

and he's like "yeah she ended up coming with me. i was planning on going alone but she came along" and like uhhh how does one """end up coming along""" on a trip to another city? likee that's sus

so i look at him like 🤨🤨🤨

and he's like "yeahhh, she had this look in her eyes. like it wasn't like before. like she was looking at me and she had this look like her eyes like she was looking at me in such a way. and we don't even know how it happened. but yeah. it was the look."

so they had SEX in lugano!!!!!!!! 😱😱😱😱😱😱

and i was like nice congrats bro. cos he's been chasing after this girl for yearsss. and the problem was that she had no experience with men and he was her first kiss and yeah. and my friend isn't the most experienced guy when it comes to women either. like he's not a hookup kind of guy, as far as i know. and he's young and insecure about that kind of stuff, which is fine, we all are at our age. but yeah, he's a bit awkward.

so i was like "so you guys are like officially a thing now?" because tht was the point, right? like all of this going to the opera and holding hands was to be with this girl romantically, right???

and he hits me with "yeahhh i think it's best if we stay friends. im not attracted to her anymore *gestures at his lower stomach area* and i wouldn't mind having intimacy with someone else. and if i do have intimacy with someone else, im gonna tell her. like andrew tate would approve, you know?"

and im like wait wait wait

so he wouldn't leave this girl alone for like a year, despite her rejecting him on numerous occasions. he took her virginity. and now "let's stay friends"??? like

so i was like "how about you don't 'have intimacy' with anyone"? like just keep your zizi in your pants, you know? it's not that hard. well maybe it is but you know, control yourself.

but yeah i was v disappointed with him. bc ive always had a feeling that he has a dark side. like he comes off as too normal and that's sus, you know what i mean? and plus he's like really emotionally constipated. like he's all "smart guy with glasses", "i go to the opera and play tennis" type of guy. but like im convinced that deep down he's a freak. like there's something about him idk how to describe it. i just have this gut feeling that he's full of secrets. and i have to admit, there is something sexy about that, but like i would not want to be his girlfriend, you know what i mean?

and his whole thing with the greek girl really gave me the ick. i was like jeez. like maybe im a bad friend to him, but i really feel bad for the girl. bc from what he's been telling me and despite her indecisiveness, it was pretty clear that she wasn't super into him. and he was really pushy. and now that she gave in he's like ready to move onto the next thing.

and maybe it's an insecurity thing. bc if his feelings for her just went away like that, maybe he wasn't that interested in her in the first place. she was hard to get and it was a challenge and now that he got what his wanted it's all over. and for a sort of awkward guy like him, maybe that was his goal. bc, for example, with his ex gf it was easy. she was this cute nice girl, nothing special. like he didn't have to chase her, nor was she like super attractive. and that was probably frustrating for him.

idk overall im a bit disappointed bc i feel like i held him to a higher standard. but all men are the same i swear.

[chickenshitcowboy]

ive been really struggling lately

venting post under the cut, tldr; im stressed n depress

after getting laid of early this season with next to zero prospects at getting another job next season, and feeling extra hopeless after the election because that means even more budget cuts to federal agencies and therefore less likelihood that i'll get a job nearby. I dont want to travel as much as private companies expect.. plus theyd only hire me on call and that has no stability and i hate that. plus i dont trust them since the last one i worked for let me get shot at and just offered the phone number to company counselling.

school has been stressful now that ive been laid off and dont have regular access to the resources that my work provided that took some of the stress off of forming my thesis.

we moved to a new rental property a week and a half ago and before then i was in such a limbo.. i still am. packing seemed stressful but i kind of got it done between freaking out about school and being sad that i dont have structure anymore from my job and also taking a week break to go to LA to meet my family for Disneyland

now that we've fully moved and things are finishing coming together im mad that i havent emerged from the limbo that i think i realize now was my depression coming back.. unless i have a super structured routine and frequent social interaction i just fall apart.. i promised myself this summer that i wouldnt let this happen but i made excuses for putting of forming a routine for myself for the offseason because of the move and the trip and now keep putting it off because im so behind on schoolwork because i dont have that routine and i dont have the motivation to just get it done most days.. im so behind im afraid to take time to try and get on a routine of going out and going to the gym etc because then ill be even more behind. and im scared that im going to fail this semester and lose even more money

also i just got a letter that my health insurance is going to be suspended and theyre puttingme on MediCal since apparently if my income is zero I dont qualify for my current plan...? and i have no idea how thats going to affect by medication

not to sound like every other troubled tumblr user but goddamn i just need to get it out somewhere rn.

i contacted my school's counseling center, so hopefully they get back to me soon. i've had really back luck with finding good mental health care so im nervous but at the very least having someone to vent to may be good. and help me be less lonely. I loved my job and i love being with my gf but im so far away from my family and my friends are doing their own things too and i still havent made friends here outside of work (mostly because i hardly go outside because im either busy or making lowkey agoraphopic excuses).

im also debating on reapplying for unemployment? idk. maybe i shoudl just apply to do retail in town part time so i dont kms and have coworkers to talk to...?

i just want someone to tell me what to do lowkey so i can just do it and feel normal again

[graceful-not]

Grace I know you have had your life busy for a while but.

Like I really miss how we talked for hours on end. We don't do that anymore.

The last time we've really talked about anything was like 6 months ago, and now it's just you sometimes responding when I ask about your interests

I've been avoiding saying this for fear of sounding weird but. I've been waiting for the day that you decide to talk to me for an extended period of time again. I think about you a lot.

And I worry that you might not want to be friends anymore, not because you dislike me, but because you've moved on and can't really fit me into your life anymore.

And I wouldn't be mad at you for feeling that way. But it kinda feels like you're avoiding talking to me to avoid hurting my feelings

And it's really hard to hear you say that you miss me too and you don't want to ignore me but like gets in the way and you have discord silenced and all that. And you never say that you'll change anything but you always seem to imply that you'll try to talk to me more

And then you don't follow up

So I feel like it would be easier if you could just. Tell me. Say that you think we should go out separate ways and live our lives. Because while I think it would suck to hear, it'd suck more if I just kept waiting to talk to you and it never happens. I don't want to wait anymore.

You don't have to respond to this specific ask. I highly doubt you would want to anyway. But I can't think of another way to reach you that I'm sure you'll hear. I'm trying to understand but I don't. So please talk to me about something. Anything at all, I don't care

STARLO.....,,,,, STARLOOOO

IM SO SORRYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

I KNOW IVE BEEN KIND OF A SHIT FRIEND TO YOU AND IM SO SO SORRY FOR THAT RAUGHR...

ok ok composing myself. I haven't been being the kind of friend that you deserve and I honestly don't know if I've ever been the kind of friend that you deserve. I WAS avoiding responding to your tags when you reblog my posts but that was not and never has been out of a lack of interest in talking to you. It was because I felt guilty at the fact that I hadn't had a real conversation with you in so long, and I felt like only ever talking to you when you initiate would be so shallow, give off the impression that I only cared about talking to you when you were directly engaging in my interests which is like the EXACT OPPOSITE of the truth!! I love talking to you for YOU!! And I felt like YOU felt like the only way you could connect with me was through my own interests which. I don't ever want you to feel like that!! Because that's one sided and sucky and it's an awful situation to be in! And I love you and didn't want to make the situation worse and reinforce that idea and it ALSO felt super sucky to ignore the entire fact of us not having talked in so long so I just didn't. Say anything. I waited for The Magical Day where I would have enough energy to strike up a convo again and address all of it.

And.. I shouldn't have done that. I've been kind of UnawareTM of time for the past few months and us not having talked isn't something that's your fault at all. I've been neglecting most of my relationships for those few months and. aurgrhrjgehrhrhshdjehe. AHH! this is hard sjdbsjbd.

You shouldn't have had to wait so long for me to suck it up and actually treat you with the respect and consideration that you DESERVE from me, as a friend. And I'm sorry that you did. And I'm sorry that I haven't been improving in communication despite the fact that I tell you I'll "try to talk more" or "check discord more" and a thousand other excuses I've probably given you at this point. I do want you to know that I don't lie when I say that I miss you. Because I do. and I DO think about you in my day to day life and I do reminisce and I do consider you someone important to me!

But.. yeah. I'm sorry. No more false promises from now on, Starlo. I don't know if I'm in a mental state yet to go back to the way we were and the frequency we talked back then. I think I need more time. BUT. I won't be avoiding you anymore. We'll talk. Not as much, maybe, but we'll talk.

Thanks for, y'know. Telling me about all this. I'm glad we can be honest with eachother, man. 💜🫀💖✨.

[the-creepy-guy-around-the-corner]

Excuse the screaming on here, don't want to scream on twitter because thats easier to connect back to me and this is stupid enough I really don't want to talk to folks I know IRL about this.

And this is gunna be like mega privileged problems so putting it in a cut just need to scream to the void

Aghhhhhh my dad is selling his business. Which is fine, but I still rely on my parents for support a lot financially. I feel awful, I'm a grown ass adult with a full time job but life is expensive and my parents agreed to help support me because I'm super passionate about my job but it's a job that famously does not pay well. For about ten or fifteen years I got REALLY lucky, dads business was doing amazing, I got to live a very privileged fun life for I'd say about ten years. I got two college degrees out of it, got to live in multiple countries, traveled a lot, got to enjoy expensive hobbies, I built a wonderful wardrobe and collection of nice things..... and just the general feeling of not having to stress about bills or basic expenses. Then dads business got stolen from to the tune of several hundred thousand dollars this last year, and he ate the whole cost so no one else would be effected benefits or jobs wise. So I tightened my belt so I could ask less from them, and I'm now barely scraping by. Each paycheck I now have a hundred or so to my name before I get paid again. Ive hardly been able to touch the debt I've been trying to pay down. And now that he's selling the business that flashing light of 'no help' is getting bigger and closer and I honestly don't know what I'm going to do. Sort of panicked and went on a huge spree canceling as many subscriptions as I can (I already deleted most of them, but it broke my heart to start canceling subscriptions to friends patreon's or artists I want to support or to favorite games and such), deleted all of my worst spender apps from my phones, and looking into more side gigs. I really have no room to complain, this is no more than most people have to do and I'm honestly still incredibly lucky and blessed. But I'm going to miss being able to pick up the bill for friends or buying them presents, I'm really going to miss leaving huge tips on places, and GOD I am going to miss traveling, I already do. My friends are planning a trip to Japan rn and I'm so happy for them but I know I cant afford it no matter how much I want to go.

But most of all I'm going to miss the lack of stress. I went from never having to look at the price of the menu at a nice restaurant to eating nothing but tuna fish sandwiches for the rest of the week because I don't want to spend more money on food. Like I'm gunna be fine, I'm not going to starve, but the stress of money has been dwindling my already not super great mental health and the knowledge that it will always be this way from here on, is frankly fucking terrifying. Spending the rest of my life doing the mental gymnastics I need to make sure I have enough money for bills each month, and knowing I wont be able to buy a house or really build up savings (at least not until my parents die, and I am understandably not wanting that to happen either) is fucking depressing.

Especially knowing that if I have kids I wont be able to give them the opportunities I had growing up. I've for so long tied my self worth to gifting things to others, buying meals, treating my friends and so on. I really am going to have to tackle how I view my self worth and what I bring to the table friendship wise because gifts and generosity are things I just cant afford right now and with the job I have I don't know if I ever will again. (well.... unless I marry rich lol) I'll figure it all out, look for more expenses I can cut, look for more side jobs and so on. I'm probably making it out to be worse than it is, but having such a radical change in lifestyles has a bit of whiplash that really stings. Hopefully after a while I can start paying down my debt more which will help with interest rates, and if I keep cutting down on expenses maybe I'll be able to start saving. I doubt anyone has read this, if you did thanks for listening to me whine and I hope you have a good day.