#excerpts from the romance i'll never have

[lady-menrva]

So...about Nico...I can't make out what Rick was trying to do with his character, so I'll take this from the top.

In PJO, he had a complete arc with development, and a good characterization (especially) considering his position as a side character, and later, a major supporting character in the original saga.

However things eventually start changing for the worse:

(Excerpt from Son of Neptune)

And

(Excerpt from Battle of the Labyrinth)

In BotL this part was so important for Nico's character. It showed that he's finally come to terms with Bianca's death, atleast up to an extent.

But in son of Neptune the way Rick just ruined it, only to make Nico a redundant plot device for Hazel's resurrection was just cheap. There were other ways Hazel could've come back to life (maybe as an escaped soul, for instance).

Later on, Rick tried to make the "Bianca was the only one who accepted Nico" excuse, but of course it doesn't add up (because chronology and logic, duh).

Fast forward to Mark of Athena, things don't improve and he's still just a plot device. This could've been fixed easily by giving him a couple of short PoV chapters, maybe focusing on his journey through tartarus. Why do I say this? Because Nico is supposed to have a more important role in HoH, and the sudden narrative upgrade from plot device to side character/major supporting character is some truly unsatisfactory writing.

Now, moving on to the House of Hades, he doesn't have much of an actual characterization, even though he stars as a major supporting character (of sorts) here. A tad disappointing, if you ask me.

Again, everything flips a complete 180 in Blood of Olympus, this time for the better. He gets a layered personality, with consistent and well-written flaws (unusual for a character written by Rick), and equally important positive character traits. His interactions with anyone not named Will or Percy were top-notch, and he had a good amount of emotional depth.

But then came in the inevitable spanner in the works: Will Solace and romance.

Thereafter, ToA onwards, everything was back to square one for Nico's character, and he was diminished to "goth ball of darkness" as complex characters often are, when paired off with highly underdeveloped and one-dimensional characters (you know, he had to match Will's 'freak')

To give the sum and substance of it, he never really had a bona fide character arc aside from PJO. In HoO, there was potential, but it never went anywhere, and in ToA, even the potential was lost. Moreover, his development post PJO was in dynamic retrograde.

Anyways, I'm so used to Rick wasting potential that I'm not even surprised any more.

[shiros-boyfriends-are-pretty]

what makes a friend a friend?

A lover a lover?

I have never been good at the boundary between love and friendship,

Some would say the difference is intimacy , but I have walked that line time and again to no avail.

To love a friend is to want venerate their hands, to love a lover is to be allowed to do so.

I feel the weight of emptiness especially now without you,

Cannot tell what I miss more, your friendship, your love, or loving you,

The absence of you is heavier than the warmth of your palm, I think I will feel it forever.

[reluctant-thoughts]

Too much, always too much. When will I ever be, just enough?

r.t. // enough

[wangxianficrecs]

The Price of Forever by Witch_Nova221

The Price of Forever

by Witch_Nova221 (@witchnova221)

T, 22k, Wangxian

Part of the Summer Solstice

Summary: 'It is the nature of men to claim a prize rather than earn one,' said Lan Wangji, blinking past the tears in his eyes, 'Now, to capture a unicorn and to become an immortal means you can claim so much more. Had I...I would have been able to claim a wife, land, fortunes. My own brother, older than me, would have had to bow when I passed. I would have been held amongst the greats but...' 'But you would be cursed,' said Wei Ying, 'That's what they've never learned.' When Lan Wangji injures a unicorn, he learns the truth about the age-old traditions that his clan and the world have undertaken for generations. With a new friend to protect and the pressure of the world upon him, he knows he must pay a price, the cost of which is high on either side. Kay's comments: This story has the loveliest fairytale vibes and I really loved seeing Wei Wuxian as an otherwordly unicorn and the journey Lan Wangji went through in this story and of course, their relationship progression! Very sweet. Excerpt: Short, panicked breaths echoed back at him through the darkness and he conjured a light, letting it hang in the air until it illuminated the narrow cave. The blood glittered darkly on the floor, the trail a little thinner than it had been. 'Get back hunter or I'll kill you where you stand.' A voice. A human voice, hissing at him in anger. Did the unicorn have a protector? One of Lan Wangji's own kind, turned against the practices of old and dedicated to the protection of the creatures the rest of the world hunted? 'I mean no harm,' said Lan Wangji, daring another step further, 'I injured a... an animal and followed it here. I wanted...' 'I know what you did and I know what you want, hunter. Leave now and you may do so with your life.' Lan Wangji took another step forward, the light falling on a bare foot, a long strong leg marred with a bloody gash from knee to hip. The left leg. The same leg Lan Wangji had hit on the unicorn. He took one final step, the light fully illuminating the man curled as close to the cave wall as he could be, only his injured leg outstretched. He was almost naked, caring little for his own modesty in ragged clothes that looked as though he had worn them as a child then torn them as he sprouted into adulthood. He glared at Lan Wangji with eyes that looked too old for his face. Grey eyes that knew everything of the world and still saw wonder in it even if they were now filled with fear.

pov lan wangji, canon era, unicorn wei wuxian, unicorns, fairy tale elements, romance, action/adventure, adventure & romance, blood and injury, angst with a happy ending, hurt/comfort, mythical beings & creatures, families of choice, strangers to lovers, enemies to friends to lovers, falling in love

~*~

(Please REBLOG as a signal boost for this hard-working author if you like – or think others might like – this story.)

[somedayillbepeterpan]

I have thought about Colin Bridgerton every single day since June 13. I love him so much, he plagues my mind. If you have been here for a while, you know that I've been lauding how Luke Newton has played Colin brilliantly and I will continue to pile on that praise because I cannot resist this pookie bear.

So, here's my favourite S3 smiles of my favourite sweet, soft boi. He progressively shows his toothy smile less and less from the latter part of S1 and S2 and beginning of S3 so I adore it when I see this smile. I just love love love when I see Luke Newton's toothy smile. He doesn't do it often when you carefully look at all the press tour photos and interviews.

I'm working on S1 and S2 smiles, too. Stay tuned!

S3E6 - Romancing Mr. Bridgerton He just made one of his dad jokes to Pen and made her smile. Nothing spells in love like this sweet, shy smile

S3E6 - Romancing Mr. Bridgerton Possibly the biggest smile I've seen on him when Pen tells him that she's always loved him. Gaaah, I can drown in this smile forever. It's this smile that makes the angst in the latter part so hard to watch. This pookie bear, in pain??? It was definitely hard to go through seeing the pain and confusion in his face.

S3E6 - Romancing Mr. Bridgerton His smile every time he twirls his two apples wife (I'm sorry for cutting Pen's face). That is the look of a fulfilled man.

S3E7 - Joining of hands I saw an interview (not sure which one) where Luke elaborates on the emotions he played Colin in throughout the wedding. He said that he just let him be swept up in the joy of the moment and that is why we get this beautiful wedding smile. Look at those eyes! We knew the conflict they were in but this is one of the hard evidences that he would never, ever give up Pen.

S3E8 - Into the light (sorry for the grainy gif. this was zoomed in at max capacity) Every single dance they've had (even the wedding one), Colin would display his truest emotions. It's why they have 5 dances throughout the season as compared to Saphne and Kanthony's 2 each (if I'm remembering correctly). This last dance, where he finally settles in his emotions saw him the happiest as evidence on the next gif.

S3E8 - Into the light Look at this pookie's face! It's the first smile where he closes his eyes fully-- embracing the joy he's feeling. This and the next gif's smiles are my absolute favourites. I can stare at this smiling face all day.

BONUS

S3E5 - Tik Tok To the sweetest sex scene I've seen in my life, I will never get over you. Because you give me this man's absolutely smitten face. And those fiery eyes??? Are you kidding me? I can make essays about the mirror scene. That intimacy is not easily replicated and I'll always compare this scene to every other intimacy scene I see on screen from now on.

(Stunning work from Luke and Nic)

I cap this post off with this RMB quote:

“I love you for every one of my smiles, and even more, for every one of your smiles.” - Colin Bridgerton to Penelope Bridgerton Excerpt From Romancing Mr. Bridgerton Julia Quinn | This material may be protected by copyright.

[sarahreesbrennan]

sorry if you have already answered this, but are we getting any queer rep in Long Live Evil? 💕 i am super excited to see what you've cooked up for us either way!

I came back after I'd gone off on one, seeing the post had struck a chord and being thankful but fearful of my inbox. Let me say with delighted surprise that all the asks are very kind.

Thank you for this one, sweet anon. I am so excited and so nervous about my best beloved, Long Live Evil, and about coming back with a new book of my own after so long, when I believed for a long time it was hopeless.

I'm really grateful to find readers waiting for me. But I know readers are naturally more invested in characters they know: I extremely appreciate you taking an interest in the future.

So, short answer: YEAH you are!

Long answer: Long Live Evil wouldn't exist without its queer narratives.

C.S. Pacat and I were talking in our virtual Brookline Booksmith event recently about our favourite Disney villains. C.S. Pacat picked Maleficent, a fine choice. I picked Snow White's Evil Queen. We agreed we loved most of them.

Here's the relevant excerpt I was quoting in my last post from Carmen Maria Machado's In The Dream House, saying 'I think a lot about queer villains, the problem and pleasure and audacity of them.' Well... me too.

I think many of us have experienced feeling made wrong in some way - for not wanting what society said we should or being what we were expected to be - and that one step along that journey of discovery is going 'Okay, if it's wicked, I'll just BE wicked.' And that's part of why those characters appeal - because they seem free, and free of pain.

But modern storytelling isn't confined to coding, and audiences can now feel free to expect, not the certainty, but the possibility characters who aren't introduced as such still might actually turn out to be LGBT+. The essays I've read about Supernatural, Teen Wolf, Sherlock, Ted Lasso, Fox 9-1-1... I think the latest argued Jaime Lannister was bisexual. (Pretty persuasive.)

I remember reading the Raven Cycle going 'oh? OH.' I remember being at a writing retreat in 2013 and running through the halls screaming about Nico diAngelo. Ten years later we got a Nico diAngelo book co-written by Rick Riordan and the amazing Mark Oshiro. I watched Red, White and Royal Blue with a friend and she said 'honestly I hope the guys get together, but...' and I (having read the book) silenced myself with a herculean effort and watched her hopes come true. I didn't know about The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo and almost dropped the book in a swimming pool. But I've also read and watched many things thinking, just maybe... oh, no. Still that hope existing is meaningful, the thought that if the story had gone differently, if this revelation had happened, if this realisation had happened, if, if, if...

Long Live Evil is a story about the story going differently and asking yourself questions about your own nature, and the escape to fiction of those who really need escape. The book is based on that 'if,' and the 'if' itself is joyous, and brings me back to the idea of gleefully transgressing the narrative that much villain love is based on.

It's also an ensemble story with a rogue's gallery of characters and multiple PoVs. (I was much inspired by the Six of Crows ensemble.) So it isn't about any one character's romance, and by the book's nature there exist many possibilities. A critique partner read and said 'I didn't know you were going THERE' and I responded 'Should I?'

I've never been one to confirm where stories are going, and I won't do so now. I'm not talking about any one character or telling you a direction.

I'm just saying yes to rep. It's baked in.

[rearranged-fanfic]

New Story Out!

*Waves* Hello! It's been a while since I interacted with the fandom. The AO3 curse got me bad. Sorry, guys!

Anyway, I'm back for the moment. And I bring you a smutty two-shot of Merman!Satoru in apology. Hopefully, I'll be releasing Part Two by this Friday. REARRANGED is still taking a bit because Nanamin is decidedly hard to write, especially because I've been in a slump.

Anyway, it's super late where I am. I'll respond to all the messages and comments on here that I've been neglecting tomorrow morning! Sorry for ghosting you all! I missed you 🥰

In other news, I now have 84 messages on AO3 that I also need to respond to. Oops.

:.:

New Story

Seaside

Rating: E, Very E

Warnings: None

Summary: Will you let me keep you forever? When Reader-chan returns to her seaside hometown for the summer, she catches the eye of a mysterious suitor. Of course, she's not aware that she even has a suitor, let alone one as unusual as this.

Tags: Alternate Universe - Merpeople, Merman Gojo Satoru, Human Reader, Mystery, Horror Lite, Romance, Interspecies Romance, Human/Monster Romance, Courting Rituals, Misunderstandings, Explicit Sexual Content, Nonhuman Genitalia, Cervical Penetration, Happy Ending

*Excerpts from the story (Spoilers, duh)*

Excerpt 1:

The long reach of the dock is less intimidating than it’d been when I was a child.  It’d once felt like it stretched a mile into the sea.  Now, it’s just a short walk until I reach the end.  Shuffling off my sandals and rubbing my sore heels, I plonk down at the very edge.  The coolness of the water caresses the red-hot soles of my feet.  My sterling silver ankle bracelets reflect the light of the sun like fish scales. It’d been a bad idea to wear new shoes, I admonish myself. I kick out absentmindedly, sending ripples of water out to sea.  The ocean is calm right now, but I know that it can get rough.  I sigh and tilt my head back, basking in the midday sun.  I’d jump in to cool off, if I didn’t know any better. The water around the village isn’t good for swimming.  The surf and spray are rough at the best of time.  It’s good for sports and the like, but human bodies are too likely to get tossed around or pulled out to sea in a riptide. The cove that my little home rests on is one of the more dangerous areas, with the tidal pools that have formed here creating all manner of crazy currents when the tide changes.  I’d been scared away from taking a dip here time and time again when I was just a kid. Now, I know better.  Only my feet in the water, or Dad will claw himself out of his grave just to berate me. It’s so quiet out here, with only the waves to keep me company.  I let out a low hum—a song from very, very far in the past.  It’s what Mom used to sing to my sister and I when we were small.  I only remember parts of the words now, but the tune is forever ingrained into my soul. Then another sound joins my lament: a low, haunting wail. “A dolphin?” I ask under my breath.  Whatever it is, it sounds close.  Or it’s very, very loud. And as its beautiful cry dies off, I sing back to it a little louder.

Excerpt 2:

It feels hazy—like experiencing everything through a gaussian blur.  I can’t quite focus on any one thing.  It’s too hard to lift my heavy body.  Sleep paralysis, I think. This must be a dream.   It has to be. Then there’s a smooth voice murmuring into my ear.  The vibrations almost tingle.  I feel it down to the tips of my toes. It’s a man, I think.  One that I’ve never heard before—that’s a voice I’d recognize no matter what.  It’s so incredibly beautiful. “You didn’t come when I called.  I was worried,” the presence seems to almost be scolding me.  I’d laugh at this weird dream manifestation if I could move. There’s a beat. “You shouldn’t sleep like this, you know; you could drown.  You humans are terrifyingly fragile.”  A chuckle follows the statement, trails off and fades into the sounds of the waves from below. A dream. Just a dream. I sigh, leaning into the sweet touch.  My dreamlike phantom nuzzles at the place where my shoulder and neck meet.  The soft tickling comes again.  It lingers against my chin, leaving moisture in its wake.  Hair, I think.  Wet.  Cold. It’s such a contrast from the heat of my bath that I shiver.

[acourtofthought]

SJM made sure to have Cassian repeat the phrase "given up" twice. Az deciding to focus on Elain because he had given up on Mor does not suggest his "feelings" for Elain are sincere. They seem to merely be a way to ease the sting of having to admit defeat over not ending up with Mor.

Moving from one female to another with no time between them is not romantic in a romance book. What is romantic is deciding that the first female is not the person you want, getting yourself into the right head space where you're happy enough being without them and then allowing yourself to develop feelings for someone new.

It's not romantic how he was in love with Mor for centuries then "suddenly" gave up. It truly reads as if he decided Elain was an acceptable substitute when he finally started to realize Mor would never want him. That there was zero time between his feelings for Mor and "feelings" for Elain and it 100% seems as if she was the most convenient replacement. "I have loved her for centuries though she has not returned my love so here's a new pretty shiny girl that I'll try to easy my heartache with!"

Even if he "gave up" on Mor because he developed feelings for Elain, that still suggests that Elain was never someone who had his full attention, he was just keeping both she and Mor on the back burners to see which one started cooking.

Not to mention the examples in SF after the abov e excerpt which seem to suggest Az hasn't completely gotten past his feelings for Mor after all.

[nerdalmighty]

BG3 Tag Game!

I was tagged by @khywren!!! Thank you!!!!!!

I'm going to tag @vanilkaplays @okthisway @maladaptive-menace @riddlerosehearts @starkspi and anyone else who wants to play along!

Favorite romance: It will surprise no one to know that it's Astarion. I find his backstory so incredibly interesting and I love his dumbass personality. At the end of the day, he just wants to do whatever is the most hilarious and I adore that. I especially love how soft he gets when you get together in Act 2. I could go on and on but I'll never be able to fully articulate my love for him.

Favorite class to play: Bard! I love that they're really the jack of all trades and are pretty good at everything, including spells and sword fighting. Persuasion and deception are SO helpful in this game, plus playing music to distract crowds and cause shenanigans in Baldur's Gate is wonderful.

Favorite NPC: I think Raphael. While yeah he absolutely SUCKS, I'm obsessed with his obsession with his own voice. He's a thespian, he's a freak, he's an idiot. I love it. But yes, I did kill his ass.

Favorite song off the soundtrack: Probably the Harpy Song. I listen to it a lot in my spare time, especially when I'm working on a specific fic I'm attempting to write. I'm a big fan of haunting melodies and, unsurprisingly, the concept of hypnotizing music.

Tell us a little about your Tav: I wrote a pretty long post about her here, but my Tav is named Birdie and she's a bard who was born and raised at the Water Queen's House. Previous iterations of her had her as a siren (hence the deep love of the Harpy Song), but I'm still not 100% sure if this version of her is. Basically, she's a mermaid ass goof whose main gang of idiots include Astarion, Gale, and Shadowheart. Chaos often ensues.

Something you wish was in the game: I know this game is huge. I know there's probably stuff people haven't even discovered yet. But god would I love some more camp animations. More interactions between the companions AT camp. Cut scenes where there should probably be cut scenes (The second time Astarion drinks your blood, Wyll celebrating the defeat of Ansur, etc). I really really love this game, but I'd love to hang out with my friends EVEN MORE.

Do you create fanworks? Share something with us: Oh boy I'm TRYING. I've never really written fanfiction before but the stupid vampire has inspired me to do so. I'm in the process of writing two different fics (one multi-chapter, one one-shot on the longer side) and am having a blast but I'm not sure if/when I'll post them. I've noticed my writing style is very similar to the way I write scripts, which is what I went to college for, so they're full of dialogue and quick, dumb banter. It might not be for everyone, but I'm having The Most Fun! Let me know if you'd maybe want to see more? Here's a silly excerpt from the one-shot (she may or may not get smutty later on 👀):

There was no sign of the vampire, save for an open hatch beneath the stone of the tower leading into what you presumed was a cellar of sorts. Off to the side was a discarded set of Thieves’ Tools. Yup, that’ll be him.

Rolling your eyes affectionately, you began to descend into the basement below. 

Before you could even make it to the bottom, however, you heard Astarion’s voice tinged with annoyance. “Don’t bother, darling. I was just coming back up.”

You paused on the ladder and looked down at him. “That bad?”

“Eh, a few coins, some food. Nothing worth risking one’s life over. Foolish gnome.”

“Shame,” you pouted down at him, not an ounce of real sympathy behind the word.

He smirked as he met your eye. “Go,” he said, indicating you should climb back up the ladder. “There was a rather large amount of smoke powder though. That could be fun.”

When you emerged back into the early evening air, you turned to help Astarion out. “Maybe you can blow up a quaint little gnomish village.”

Astarion’s eyes glittered with delight. “Oh, do you think there’s one around here? That would be- Oh. You’re joking.”

You nodded.

“Gods, you’re no fun.” He sighed dramatically and then started back towards the Blighted Village proper. 

You scoffed in mock offense. “I’m a lot of fun!”

Astarion tsked. “If you have to say you’re a lot of fun, odds are, you’re lying to yourself.” He shot a challenging half smile at you from over his shoulder.

“How dare you,” you laughed.

“Such a pity, too,” he went on. “Aren’t bards supposed to be entertaining?”

You made a sound of agony, which had Astarion fully turning back to look at you. You threw a hand to your heart and staggered towards him. “You wound me, Astarion. Look upon me with pity and remember me fondly!” You set an arm on his shoulder and let your body weight go, as if collapsing from a killing blow. 

Astarion was quick to catch you under your arms. He made a show of groaning about how heavy you were now that your body had gone completely limp. After you’d hung loosely from his grip for a few seconds, he finally yielded. “Alright, enough.” 

You resumed control of your body and stood up straight, a smug look on your face. “I’m fun.”

“Dramatic.”

“Theatrical.”

“Annoying.”

“Endearing.”

“Loud.”

“Enthusiastic-”

Just then, a loud howl came from a barn a little ways off. 

You and Astarion eyed each other.

“Was that you?” Astarion asked.

“‘Was that me?!’ I’m not THAT loud.”

“Could have fooled me.”

You rolled your eyes. “Come on.” You started in a light jog towards the barn.

Astarion groaned. “You can’t be serious.” He caught up with you easily. “Haven’t we done enough heroing for today?”

You looked at him thoughtfully. “One more act of heroism probably won’t kill you.”

“It might!”

“Oh, now who’s being dramatic?” You came to a stop at the double doors.

“I-” Astarion floundered, then pursed his lips and crossed his arms.

“That’s what I thought.”

[nyxronomicon]

ahh ok i got tagged by @consolationblog (like a month ago oops) and @peachsayshi RIP y'all forcing me to look at the ever growing WIP pile......

rules: post the names of all the files in ur wip folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. let people send u an ask with the title that most intrigues them and then post a little snippet of it or tell them something about it! tag as many people as you have wips!

jjk

death painting womb || choso dating sim! featuring a band au and choso's band mates toji and sukuna assassin toji x widow reader || you've just killed your husband. except a sexy assassin just walked in to tell you he's supposed to do the same... roommate toji || sleazy craigslist roommate who gradually manipulates you into getting more physical with him... vampire toji || not really a WIP bc @pearlsxandxpeonies and i started a vampire jjk rp with it but i wouldn't mind posting some of it neighbor!toji || inspired by that day i was raking the yard and i was like "wow this would be great if i was actually getting fucked silly by toji instead" emo!Nanami || best friends to lovers. i wanted to make this multi chapter but i had too many ongoing series (and still do lol) nanami cucking gojo || i was gonna do a whole series bc gojo is such a cuck to me... seven minutes in heaven || just an excuse for Sukuna to get, uh, handsy... (if you know what i mean) CEO!Sukuna || drabble for a sukuna sugar daddy au... stepbrother choso || this is OLD and not usually my thing but damn if choso was my stepbrother... hatefucking || okay i admit it. i wrote hatefucking with gojo. i wanna punch his face with his cock inside me ok. i wanna make him bleed and cum at the same time. don't look at me rejected excerpt || OKAY I ADMIT IT the hatefucking got a little too soft so i put the gooey romance shit in a separate doc. in this house we punch gojo mid-coitus. don't look at me getting his head ripped off? || literally 28 words i will never finish this. but yeah gojo again salvation || ongoing series but i'll answer stuff about the upcoming parts! parent trap || ongoing series but i'll answer stuff about the upcoming parts!

genshin/hsr

embarassing how many of these i have when i have literally posted like two genshin fics lmao divorced detective wrio || just a gratuitous amount of a messy divorced man sigh. meant to be multi chapter mara struck || uhh yeah fueled by the idea that what if blade goes into heat from being mara struck... werewolf, werewolf take 2 || multiple attempts at werewolf!wriothesley smut for monsterfucktober god || scara x reader based on that scene with haypasia in that greenhouse. i was self-inserting so hard, don't lie you did it too itto || bbg rescues you from some guys and has to bring you home with him. you know. for healing purposes... alhaitham || classic sex pollen going feral on each other lol dumb bitch juice || alhaitham begrudgingly agreed to tutor you, his friend's little sister, but he actually just spends the whole time objectifying you (until...) dottore bondage || dottore kidnaps you and reprograms your memories with the akasha yakuza au || i just felt an urge to make an au that feels like the yakuza games. i don't think i had a pairing in mind i was just having fun lol captured || you're a stellaron hunter and jing yuan captures you. such a shame for such a pretty girl to be stuck in jail on new year's

others

bnha / stockholm syndrome || overhaul kidnaps you and learns you have a unique quirk; complete adoration and obedience to whoever drinks your breast milk (please don't look at me WHY is this so embarrassing to summarize lmao) csm / kishibe || incubus!Kishibe for monsterfucktober! somno and infidelity you know the drill

no pressure but ppl i'd like to peer into their cursed wip folder (if u didn't do it yet lol) @solomons-poison @pearlsxandxpeonies (i know u have one now hehe) @suget @vampyrsm

[imbecominggayer]

Excerpt From My WIP

Feel free to critique my writing :D

Have you ever seen someone's vulnerable interiority? Those few moments far in between where a human decanter has been abused and left to pour their despair at your feet. As if you were a God? As if they were praying with their cries as hymns?

I always feared those moments. I feared many interesting things growing up.

I feared the day when mom would die. How I would be the only person who could be at the funeral.

I feared the day when someone would confess their love for me. How the light in their eyes would be twirling like flames with hope, or maybe shaking with fear?

I feared the moment when I could see someone in their purest moment. How I would be left with the choice of saying "I see you" or letting the moment fall past.

I feared those moments not because I was scared of grief, or scared of romance, or scared of another person.

In reality, I was scared of myself. Or my lack of self to be more apt. Confused? Don't worry. I'll explain myself.

To say that I "lack" emotions would be inaccurate. I can feel annoyance whenever a distraction interfers with my necessities. I occassionally have pangs of joy. I have felt grief. Joy. Love

unfortunately.

My emotions aren't strong.

When I was confessed to by a school companion in my youth with a two dollar flower and a million dollar smile, I felt an underlining of annoyance at this lackluster gesture. I quitely rejected them. I still made sure to grab the poor flower and put them in a vase as my mom always told me I should. Although, I never thought about them since that moment.

When a radiant sunshine revealed a tiny little hint of deeper awareness beneath their conspicuous joyfulness, I ignored it. That was the only time I had ever seen a pained smile of their face. There were some tears lighting up their eyes. I would never have that moment again. I ruined it.

The moment that sealed my fate was when my mother died after forcing her way through torturous chemo treatments and her own deterioration. At the bedside of own of the most loving angels that could ever grace this world, I couldn't even wring enough emotion out of me to cry authentically. I felt genuine sadness for her passing and joy for her rewarded sufferance, that was true. But it didn't feel like enough. This was the woman who raised me and I didn't even have the heart to be sad for the rest of my life.

At that moment, my greatest fears had come true, I was a grotesque monster who couldn't even bring myself to cry genuinely at my own mother's funeral. I spent more time in my childhood cottage thinking about my father more than my mother.

My father always called me a "nothing child" when I was younger. I still remember the exact words my mother said to me after she chased my father out of the house for the last time, "you aren't useless".

Maybe that was what my father meant when he called me a "nothing child" Maybe he really was trying to call me useless. But when my angelic mother died, when my companion was lost in romance, and when I lost the opportunity to discover humanity underneath my friend's exterior, I truly was a nothing child.

[shiros-boyfriends-are-pretty]

I hope your anger keeps you warm.

I hope it protects you the way you need it to.

I pray that as your fingers cling onto angers cliff edge that it hauls you back onto solid ground instead of crumbling beneath you.

I hope the eggs do not crack in your one, singular, angry basket.

I beg that the indifference, the aloofness, and the ire you have chosen shield you from wind and storm and rain and snow and ice.

I hope you do not come to regret this.

[reluctant-thoughts]

My only wish Is for you to know me As well as I know you, And for you to see yourself, The way I could.

r.t. // us, always

[laufire]

september reading meme!

(better late than never etc.)

BOOKS

The Hound of the Baskervilles by Arthur Conan Doyle. I only have one Sherlock novel left after this one. I think this is the most famous one? One of the cases I've seen actually adapted. I think Watson's POV is quite well done in this one, with his limitations ~forcing the reader to look further if we want to deduce... anything lol.

We Will Devour the Night by Camilla Andrews. I posted a longer review here, so I'll only say that I wholeheartedly recommend it!

Emma by Jane Austen. I first read this novel over a decade ago; story-wise (and, especially, romance-wise), I prefer "Pride and Prejudice" or "Persuasion", but Emma remains THEE Austen heroine for me. The template for many beloved characters of mine lol. And boy, I already paid Close Attention to Emma/Jane Fairfax as a baby gay, imagine now... is there good fic out there in the Austen fandom trenches...

COMICS

The Boy Wonder. This comic was a let down. That'll teach me to have even the tiniest expectatives on anything lmao. The art was cute, but it was like each issue got progressively... meh. Talia's characterisation in particular annoyed me. Yeah, yeah, we all hate Morrison's butchering. I don't think mommifying her is the solution.

JLA: The Queen of Fables (#47-49). I just suddenly felt like rereading this arc LOL. The Queen of Fables is one of my favourite dc villains, as minimally as she appears, because of how delightfully meta this arc is. I want to do something with her at some point...

Stephanie Brown (New Earth). I finished her appearances! (barring some blink-and-you-miss-it cameos, ig). Her Batgirl run was quite a fun romp; maybe not where I would've gone for her character if it'd been in my hands, but MUCH appreciated after fucking War Games, or way too much Dixon writing. I also liked how Lewis wrote her on his Robin run, which was quite good in general. Other highlights were Gotham Knights #22 (which inspired this excerpt!), her appearances in Cass's run (before and after death!) and her friendship with Kara. Unfortunately, I closed with "Convergence: Batgirl" and I have Issues where the places that comic took her journey lmao. That is NOT the future for my new earth!Steph.

Death and Return of Superman. I had read some issues here and there, but this time I sat down and read the whole thing over the course of a few months. Lois is definitely the MVP, the Kents break my fucking heart, and John Henry Irons an interesting character (who I lowkey ship her with after watching a few episodes of the mid CW show, but let's not get into that now xD). I still don't quite get the appeal of Kon as a character lmfao, but he was fun to read here. Also LMFAOOOO at whatever is going on with Lex here. He transplanted his BRAIN into another body?? And is pretending to be his own son??? Wtffffff.

Year One: Batman/Ra's al Ghul. A nice gem I stumbled upon during my Leslie-read. Beautifully written by Devin Grayson. This story is set after Ra's death, and shows his ~revenge from beyond the grave lmao.

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight: Cold Case (#202-204). Another gem in Leslie's appearances list! I'm including it here because a) I guessed the mystery IMMEDIATELY and okay, it wasn't that hard, there were clues, but I AM A WAY BETTER DETECTIVE THAN U, BRUCE, and b) it includes a plot about Thomas Wayne being unmasked as a suspected serial killer and now I'm having Batman x Prodigal Son thoughts lmfaoooo. Now I want a story where Bruce finds out his late father was a murderer añlsdfjasd.

Villains United. This was in my list of Talia appearances and I'm literally only including it to say a big FUCK YOUUUUUU to Gail Simone for how she writes Jade in Villains United (and in general, from what I know). Literally having her being "well it's fine if this guy blackmailing me kills my daughter because I fucked this guy to get pregnant so I have a replacement child" FUCK YOU GAIL FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU.

Ram V's 'Tec (#1062-1089). Given the current state of comics (not to mention who's the author after this...) I doubt this run will have much impact, but I quite liked it. It added new players but it balanced them out with established characters I'm actually interested about, it had GORGEOUS art (I am fucking OBSESSED with the covers, how some of them mirrored each other to show Bruce's evolution... insane), and good writing. I'll be on the lookout for Ram V's New Gods run, as I want to read more about those characters anyway.

Devin Grayson's Catwoman (vol. 2 Annual #4, #54-62, #1000000, #63-71). This is THEE quintaessential Catwoman, for me. I love love love my Selina as a loner thief with serious commitment issues lmfao. It also got me thinking about doylist influences because I read somewhere that Devin wasn't sure yet about how you went about including cameos, so she didn't really include Batman*, and boy was that fucking great for Selina's character lmfao. She got to have really fun arcs where SHE is showed off. My favourite was the arc with Scarecrow, but in general it was all so great and SO fun.

(*Bruce does appears in one or two issues, in a specific arc which gets a bit meta about the ship lol. The Joker targets her because he considers her Batman's Girl. The story ends with Selina making the Joker believe she killed Batman, knowing how much that'd fuck him up xDD)

[enoughslices]

You mention in one of your tags (related to the Emily episode) that you read an interview regarding Gillian's pregnancy and that some cast/crew comments were well-meaning but insensitive. Do you remember the interview or what they said?

The 90s were a fun time for music, tv, and entertainment, but it must have sucked for the women who had to deal with such a Macho and sexist Hollywood. Feeling compelled to go back to work shortly after a C-section out of "guilt" or fear for one's job "hurts" just to think of it because I know the pain of a C-section and just wanting to stay still when it feels like a stitch is going to tear.

:cracks knuckles: Let's goooooo! First of all, I can only imagine the pain and recovery from a C-section is super intense, full stop. 💜 I know from seeing friends go through it that it can be rough and traumatic even with access to deep rest and real support. It's absolutely horrific to me to try to imagine filming ten-days after an emergency C-section. I was able to find one of the main articles that gave me this impression, and it was this one from TV Guide, March 1995. I've excerpted some of it below and bolded some of the things that felt slightly infantalizing/not great to me. I should say before we dive all of the way in that I think part of what reading this article for the first time left me with was a sense of what an absolutely wild, overwhelming, and isolating time it must have been for Gillian, with some added 90s workplace misogyny and paternalism as icing on the cake.

It's worth going into this bearing in mind that Gililan was 25 at the time of this interview and 24 when she started the show and found out she was pregnant. She lied about her age to get the job - she said she was 27. Both her husband-at-that-time and David are 8 years older so they were ~32 when all of this was happening. Chris Carter would have been 37. She and her first husband, who was on the art direction team for the show, had a whirlwind 6-month romance then spontaneously eloped to Hawaii and accidentally conceived on their wedding day (which the full article goes RIGHT into 😅 but I'll skip ahead to the relevant bit):

A pregnancy would mean limitations on her work schedule and missing episodes - no one could predict how many - in the second season. "I knew I needed to make my decision about the pregnancy first, before broaching the subject with the producers," says Anderson. "I couldn't be wavering. Having this baby was the right decision for my husband and me. But it was like, 'Oh, my God. They did all this for me and now look what I'm doing to them.' So many things go through your mind. So yes, I was worried." Apparently with good reason. According to several sources, executive producer Chris Carter was not pleased. "He went ballistic," says one source. "He wanted to get rid of her." Two other insiders back up that claim. "They were considering recasting," confirms Anderson. "I heard a lot of stuff through the grapevine, and it was not comforting." Not so, says Carter. "I never, ever considered replacing her. It's a lie. If anything, I was the loudest voice saying: We have to protect this show and this person. Scully and Mulder are two characters that the audience has invested in, they are the secret to the success of the show, and we have to find a way to make this work." How did all of this affect Anderson? "She's grown up," says wardrobe supervisor Kieft. "Getting married and having the baby has matured her, I think, and given her a bit of stability. When she was pregnant, we did have a bed standing by, and whenever we could, we would get her to lie down. But she is quite a strong little person." In fact, Anderson missed only one episode and was back to work - after an emergency C-section - in just 10 days. "I was getting restless," says Anderson. "I wanted to get back to work because it was really hard on David, and it's the two of us up there, you know?"

So just to break this down:

Reading between the lines a bit, it sounds like she felt pretty certain that if she didn't share the news with her mind firmly made up and her feet planted, the producers might try to coerce her into having an abortion. Sit with that for a minute. (I am fully and passionately pro-choice but the operative word is choice.)

If three anonymous sources and Gillian herself all say Chris Carter was absolutely incensed about her being pregnant, he was for sure Big Mad and is just trying to cover his ass for PR. There's evidence for this elsewhere as well.

I really do think this last passage was truly well-intended but it hits a lot of points that leave me feeling uneasy. The idea that pregnancy has helped her grow up or ground her, this sense that people were making sure she rested when she was forced back to work immediately after a harrowing emergency c-section, and everything about the phrase "strong little person."... to me it just sort of betrays an environment where GA was habitually treated/perceived sort of like a little girl and not an adult woman with full agency.

Just. Ten. DAYS!!!!! It's a crime.

This next one isn't as bad by any means, but here's a quote from her hairdresser earlier in this same article:

"In the beginning," says Marsden, "she had trouble with her lines, and I think it kind of upset David because he is so accomplished. He's worked in feature files. He's worked with Brad Pitt. And he can learn his lines"-Marsden snaps his fingers-"like. But I know he appreciates how hard she works."

Now obviously, there's nothing overtly wrong with what he's saying here, and it's explicitly laid out in the article how David was the first person she told and that he was supportive. But this quote (and the article taken as a whole) provides a sense of overall atmosphere to me: she's young, she's green, everyone's already a little impatient toward her, and then she was also pregnant.

There's also this article from USA Today in 1994:

The C-section put her "out of commission at least an extra four days than they were planning." She figures everyone is "a little sorry" for sending her back to the grind so soon. "But it seems to have worked out. I think. So far," she says, breathless and bemused.

Does this mean they were originally planning for her to return to set SIX DAYS (???) after giving birth? (??????!)

In the same article, casting a bit of doubt on the earlier narrative that she was just "a strong little person" that they had to coax into lying back down:

Surprise: It calls for her return as skeptical FBI agent Dana Scully--albeit lying in a coma for most of the episode, which aired last week. "That did help a bit, but I mean, with 60 people around you and all the lights, it's not an unstressful situation."

Also in the USA Today article:

When she learned of her pregnancy in February, it defined the phrase mixed blessing. "It was wonderful news, but it scared a lot of people. It scared me. The show was doing relatively well, but it was still very young and there was the possibility of it going one way or another. It could have crashed, and I would have been somewhat in the middle of that. It was a rough time letting people know I had made this decision and deciding how to work with it, and for them, whether to recast (the role)."

I interpret that as something like: if the show had stopped doing well and there was anyway it could be pinned on her pregnancy/absence, it would have been chalked up as her fault. I feel like I'm forgetting something major in terms of crew saying condescending/sort of shitty things (am writing this at midnight because of who i am as a person, so if I remember I'll reblog with it tomorrow) but if you poke around the gilliananderson.ws archives from that time, a lot of the articles focus on or mention her pregnancy or being a new mom, and she speaks pretty candidly about having feared for her job and being absolutely exhausted and fully in survival mode. When you consider that all of this coincided with her being thrust directly into major fame, it's A LOT! This recent Bustle article (Feb 2024) on where Gillian Anderson was at 28 is also somewhat illuminating.

Thanks so much for the ask! I'll share more if I can remember where I saw it! 😅

[nonotnolan]

Announcement

Hey guys, Nolan here. Hopefully you all know me as the guy who publishes one story a month, but I'd settle for "oh hey, I've seen that guy around for quite a few years" since that is also true. If you've ever read some of my works and thought to yourself, damn, I wish this guy would write more explicit scenes-- I've got great news for you.

Dicked (Over) by a Demon by Nolan Sempers, for sale on Amazon.

Pete Rodgers never wanted to relive his college years. But when an incomplete demonic contract swaps his body with that of a college freshman, Pete must now live as Clayton, a closeted male athlete. Coming out of the closet would be stressful enough, but Pete is being hunted by a persistent demon who wants to finish their deal at any cost. Can Pete survive campus life while avoiding demonic foul play? This erotic story contains over 13,000 words of body swapping, demonic possession, ejaculation, sexual domination, non-consensual assault, steamy romance, and rough anal sex.

Here's an excerpt:

Pete wrestled against his restraints, unable to wipe off the sweat that was forming on his brow. “I exist only to serve real men,” he said, squirming with pleasure. His breathing was becoming heavy and labored. It was so tempting to cum, but he knew he could not. Not yet, not until he received permission. Henry was an expert at teasing his body, shifting from his chest to his thighs to his shaft, giving each part of his body just enough attention to feel sparks. The attention was overwhelming, and Pete found it harder and harder to think clearly. Why was Clayton’s body so much more sensitive than his old one? “I exist only to serve you!” he yelled as Henry’s tongue flicked across his left nipple.

“Ah, the little freshman knows his place. That will make things easier.” Henry walked back over to his nightstand and pulled out a bottle of lube. Pete couldn’t twist his head far enough to get a good look, but the feel of lube against his skin was unmistakable. “It’s time for you to be useful,” he said, running a few fingers across the crevice of Pete’s ass. Pete squirmed, feeling the wet lube against his hairy skin. He clenched his eyes shut and gritted his teeth, preparing himself for what would be coming next.

Pete gasped involuntarily as something solid penetrated his anus. “If I don’t loosen your hole with my fingers, I run the risk of having you bitch out on me,” Henry said, making small talk while his middle finger was fully inside of Pete’s ass. He waited a few moments before increasing to two and then three fingers, with the same sort of clinical detachment of someone periodically checking the temperature of bathwater. Pete panted for breath, trying not to scream in pain as his body was callously pushed to its limits.

“Good enough,” Henry said once he had worked his way up to four fingers. Henry pulled his hand away and applied more lube to his cock. Pete heard the click-snap of the plastic lid as Henry put the lube away, but not before he felt more sticky wetness against his chest—Henry had used Pete’s body to wipe the excess off of his hands. “A pathetic freshman like you is only good for one thing,” Henry said. “Your hole is mine.”

----------------------------------------------

To celebrate, I'll be posting shorter, weekly stories for the next few weeks. Even if you opt not to purchase the eBook, I hope that you'll continue to support me with notes, reblogs, and messages of support. At the end of the day, I'm here on tumblr for the community.