#except more upsetting

[transthatmasc]

My brain keeps providing me with the outline for a trans Viktor pregnancy fic where he decides that the solution to him dying and being able to do nothing about it is to secretly give Jayce a child that can replace him even though it will surely kill him faster than his disease already is.

It would be body horror and angst and whump. There would NOT be a happy ending. Viktor’s discomfort with the constant reminder of his femininity as he grows a baby. The physical toll that it takes on his body as he is physically unable to eat enough to grow it. The feeling of it hollowing out his already brittle bones, sucking him dry for resources as he pours out his limited reserves away from trying to keep himself alive any longer. The isolation of doing it alone and without Jayce’s blessing, knowing full well that Jayce would never have had sex with him if he thought they weren’t on the same page about how dangerous it was for Viktor to have children.

Jayce does not figure out that Viktor is pregnant until he is so far along that there is nothing to do but hope the baby is viable before it kills Viktor. He beats himself up for not realizing sooner— for thinking it was just the illness ramping up. He quickly loses the energy for rage and instead shifts straight to grief, unable to enjoy the little time left he has with Viktor and the impending arrival of the child he has always wanted.

The baby is born very prematurely by emergency c section after Viktor’s lungs aren’t able to get enough oxygen for him or the baby. Viktor survives the birth but is simply unable to recover in any meaningful way from such an invasive surgery and passes away a couple days later. The baby is in the nicu for three weeks, born small and quiet, but eventually gets strong enough to breathe on its own and fuss when it’s hungry.

Jayce doesn’t know how to cope with the fact that he couldn’t convince Viktor that he was worth every second Jayce could possibly have with him. He doesn’t know how to cope with the constant reminder that Viktor loved him enough to give him a something to live for after he left but not enough to let him take care of him while he grew this final gift.

Jayce moves back in with his mom. He names his daughter Laska. She has golden eyes and little wisps of dark brown hair. Jayce thinks about killing himself but can’t waste the gift that Viktor has given him.

[lavenderprose]

'He would not fucking say that' only it's 'That child would not speak in full fucking sentences.'

[aroaceleovaldez]

underappreciated Nico detail that I like - he seems to be an angry crier! very frequently he's angry when he cries and he cries when he's extremely angry. very AuDHD of him. emotional regulation sucks my guy and he's just going through it.

[waitineedaname]

when I started orv I expected it to be a story where lots of main characters die, like i was coming at it as someone who's read homestuck, I fully expected a lot of major character death, I expected no one from that first subway car to survive. and then as I kept reading, it really struck me just how many people survived and how aside from kim dokja dying a dozen times, no one in the main party has died, and now I've realized that is extremely intentional. this is a story where a lot of people are supposed to die, it's a story that's supposed to force repeated sacrifice, and kim dokja looked at that story and went "absolutely the fuck not, that's not the story I want to tell" and pulled that burden of sacrifice onto himself over and over because he refuses to be part of a story where his friends die

[obsessedoverwater]

Becoming a Knuxadow fan truly feels like I'm eating moldy bread and sometimes I occasionally get a piece that's only stale. If I'm lucky maybe it'll be mildew instead.

[pianokantzart]

:)

[anghraine]

Just thinking about Spock's obvious annoyance and jealousy upon finding Kirk kissing Helen in "The Dagger of the Mind"—which only happens as a result of Helen and Dr. Adams implanting false memories and feelings in Kirk's mind. And Spock actually knows all about the mindfuck machine at that point, and saving Kirk from it/Adams is why he's there in the first place, and his look of annoyed judgment happens after Helen says, "This isn't right! Dr. Adams did this to you!"

The episode ends with a visibly shaken Kirk returning to the bridge, talking about how he can actually believe in death from loneliness, and staring blankly into the distance with McCoy right behind him. Then Kirk looks at Spock (who is physically further away) and smiles, visibly brightening after Spock smiles faintly back.

I'm also thinking about how upset Kirk is by Spock's spore-addled interest in Leila in "This Side of Paradise," and even more by Spock's disinterest in him. Leila herself will eventually admit that she knows Spock would never enter into a relationship with her except via the sex pollen/docility spores, and previous to all this, she said Spock would be given no choice in all this. Spore-influenced Spock also begs Kirk to join them ("It's a true Eden, Jim. There's belonging and love [...] you'll come around sooner or later. Join us. Please"), and Kirk instead hatches a plan to force him out of the effects of the spores.

Afterwards, Spock bleakly tells Leila, "I have a responsibility to this ship, to that man on the bridge. I am what I am, Leila, and if there are self-made purgatories, then we all have to live in them." He admits to Kirk that falling under the artificial tranquillity of the spores is the closest thing to happiness he's ever experienced.

Kirk is more outwardly cheerful, expressive, and easy-going than Spock, occasionally admitting that he's lonely, but not much more, apart from the implications of how he explains romantic love in "Metamorphosis" ("Is he important to you, more important than anything? Is he as though he were a part of you? [...] By your feeling for him, you are condemning him to an existence he will find unbearable. [...] You may keep him here forever, but you will always be separate, apart from him"). It's only when he gets literal amnesia that he can admit that he's pretty sure he's never experienced happiness before.

The seething jealousy even in obvious dub-con circumstances and quiet, restrained unhappiness pervading their lives just feels like—well, so much. There are so many other cases, too, like when McCoy jokes about Spock falling for a computer (not an android, a literal computer) and Kirk gets visibly upset and jealous until Spock tells him in front of everyone that Kirk is irreplaceable, obviously. Spock spends an entire episode miserably jealous of an actual android love interest of Kirk's, and after McCoy tells him he fundamentally can't understand the agonies and triumphs of love Kirk experienced with the android, Spock waits for McCoy to leave then deletes his rival from Kirk's mind while he sleeps.

They aren't well, but they sure are something!

[beneathsilverstars]

u can do anything with loop… we only know how they act in two extremely specific contexts, outside of that loop could be so many different things…. thats why my modern au loop is Like That (has “everyone else is an npc” brain bc it’s the only way they could cope with not being able to help the people getting hurt around them. it’s just their role in the story, it’s impossible to change the script and it doesn’t matter anyway bc they’re not real! loop and their headmates are the only real people with real thoughts and feelings in the entire world ^^)

[b0nelessdoodles]

messed up my back and had to call out of work about it so have some doodles i forgot to post from a bit ago

[chiropteracupola]

all my homies hate erik larson!!

[dailydegurechaff]

I feel like I should take some of the blame for this because of Marya Week

Should

I wouldn't use the word blame per se, that implies you've done something wrong. I think I'd perhaps say credit, bc you created a wonderful little event.

now, while I have you, go forth my dailydegu-ers. follow @embroideredequations

[frogwen]

hiiiiii ❤️‍🔥 thank you @mousepal for tagging me! the game is i pick 4 of my favorite characters and then you vote on which you most connect with me 👍

hopefully even if you dont recognize the character, you still get the vibe. and im realizing belatedly that the only vibe is "guy who suffers" 💀 buuuuut this was genuinely fun to think about, so plz give it a try and tag or dm me if you make one too so i can see and vote :3

anyone, everyone @steevejr @foolishbeanwoman @nineofswords @eleventeenthealbum @wawek @nutongzhi @buttcheek2 @lycheeboy (sid mini bracket ? 😳) @archdemoning @twoticky @misevolimo @kirby97 @handweavers OR IF YOU SEE THIS ON YOUR DASH- IM TAGGING YOU. tumblr wont let me edit poll posts so this is the end of personal invitations lmao

[beeprich]

genuinely lamenting the lost relationship between mike hanlon and his parents in every IT adaptation

[triglycercule]

i think killer sans would listen to frank sinatra no this isnt because im listening to him and i think his love songs are the kinda slow heartfelt romantic messages and vibes in them fit killer and his romanticness,,,,, ok it totally is hehee,,,,,,,

i think it would be cute if dust and horror dont expect it when they ask killer what music he likes. killer doesn't really seem like the type to listen to music at least right?? or at least not something so sappy really!! dust just nods his head and thinks about it (actually it's a pleasant surprise to learn killer likes that genre) and horror just rolls his eye (what a douche liking songs like that,,,,,)

[kimtaegis]

🌧️

[toskarin]

there are too many navels drawn like wounds these days. haunting