lavenderprose

[lavenderprose]

The way that Rook is going to turn around from blasting Elgar'nan out of the known galaxy and yeeting Solas and the Inquisitor into the fade and immediately get pregnant with Emmrich Volkarin's children. It might even happen before they go down the beanstalk. Hey Bellara can you just turn around for a minute. Yeah yeah I'm gonna give this man six children and we're gonna get a jump on that RIGHT now.

[lavenderprose]

Between Manfred in the background absolutely clobbering a Venatori and Emmrich pulling off the hottest mage move in the whole game, this clip has it all

[lavenderprose]

Viago: Teia and I are having a baby.

Rook: That's gre-

Viago, slamming adoption papers on the table: It's you, sign here

[lavenderprose]

The reason the Inquisiton didn't bring in Emmrich as a fade expert is because Cassandra didn't want anyone to know how bathshit insane her Cumberland accent was in comparison to a normal Navarran accent send post

[lavenderprose]

Emmrich and Ingellvar are like. Lucanis wakes up (Or is just. Awake.) at like three AM and shuffles into the kitchen for coffee. There's a single candle burning on the table and there's Rook and Emmrich, talking to a skull. Whose skull? Best not to ask. It's speaking to them in Ancient Tevene. Does either of them speak Ancient Tevene? Again, best not to ask. Lucanis turns AROUND and goes back into the pantry. As he leaves, he hears Rook giggling like a schoolgirl.

Harding once spent half an hour up a tree in Arlathan Forest because Rook and Emmrich were trying to convince a wisp to come out of a bramble patch and they didn't want to 'overwhelm' the wisp with too many faces.

If there's moaning happening in Emmrich's room, people just burst in anyway because they assume it's him and Rook doing necromancy shit for fun. Taash miscalculates on this front exactly once and everyone knocks afterwards. Taash, by the way? Completely unphased. They stand in the doorway and ask if it's actually comfortable to fuck on the marble. Emmrich cheerfully replies that it's more forgiving on the joints than you would think.

Davrin listens to Rook talk about a date Emmrich took them on and spends literal months thinking that 'Honoring the dead' is a euphemism for giving head.

(Emmrich's euphemism for head is 'to bow one's head'. Rook doesn't have one. Cunnilingus is their favorite word.)

[lavenderprose]

Just finished Veilguard and can I say WHAT and dare I say THE FUCK

[lavenderprose]

My dash right now is 60% Veilguard, 10% OFMD and 30% whatever the fuck is going on with Mattfleck and Succession. I don't even know how the Tumblr algorithm works anymore.

[lavenderprose]

Your OTP (milquetoast, inferior in every way): Longing glances and shared smiles and maybe a mutual sort of palatable bitchiness. They have some sort of recurring floral motif that symbolizes their blooming romance, or whatever

EdIzzy shippers: So this is Ed and one time he strangled Izzy onscreen and Izzy visibly came so now in every single extant EdIzzy fic he chokes Izzy and calls him a dog and Izzy's reaction to this is to become so so limp and breedable. They invented love.

[lavenderprose]

Veilguard is a roleplaying game and it's fun to play a character but God, having to just go Do Shit on a daily basis while fully in a state of female hysteria about both an old man AND the smallest squishiest toughest girl you've ever seen is peak me behavior

[lavenderprose]

The WAY that a Watcher Rook can just so absolutely match Emmrich's freak. Inquisitor Lavellan asking Solas shit like 'Who's Mythal' meanwhile my Watcher Rook meets Emmrich and immediately without hesitation leaves with him to go on a date in some 1000 year old mausoleum. Holding his hand while they ring bells for the departed. "Oh Emmrich thank you for showing me this tablaeu of skeletons. This is so cute. Omg that corpse is waving at me. Adorable!" And Emmrich is just like. God I can't NOT fuck them.

[lavenderprose]

Emmrich girlies you KNOW I'm coming for you you KNOW I'm gonna fuck that old man!! First tho I gotta chase Scout Lace Harding who I've been having dreams about for ten actual years. Lace and I have to raise six kids in Ferelden real quick and then I will be [censored] that old man's [censored] all over Nevarra FUCK

[lavenderprose]

Congratupologies for the Stuff That Just Happened on the firefighter show.

[lavenderprose]

Very important thing to do while editing: Find in page 'shitting' and make absolutely fucking sure that the characters are all SITTING they are SITTING in their chairs they are SITTING in their lovers' laps. SITTING.

[lavenderprose]

Wait ok you're telling me that the character on the fireman show played by Jennifer Love Hewitt can ALSO talk to ghosts?? The GHOST WHISPERER Jennifer Love Hewitt? Melinda Gordon??

This...is not a real show.

[lavenderprose]

Once again I am rotating EdIzzy Intricate Rituals and also, predictably, Izzy Hands carpet munching

Izzy, who would suck Ed's dick for breakfast lunch and dinner and thank him for the privilege, clamps his legs SHUT the moment Ed starts making any sort of movement past his tits. They do not talk about this. Ed assumes Izzy has some dysphoria stuff going on. Or whatever a 1700s pirate would call dysphoria. Basically, Ed's mouth waters when he smells Izzy's lap but apparently getting head makes the gender ghosts that live in Izzy's brain angry, y'know? Oh well.

Meanwhile, the gender ghosts and everything else that lives in Izzy's brain think about nothing BUT Ed going down on him. The list of Most Common Thoughts in Izzy's head is thus:

1.) Murder.

2.) That knot looks wrong. Who tied that knot. What the fuck is going on with that KNOT-- (Cont. see: Topic #1)

3.) Ed Teach's fucking mouth.

He has dreams about it. It's a whole thing. HOWEVER, something something all the internalized phobias, something something Izzy's self loathing, something something Blackbeard doesn't give head. Izzy won't allow Ed to DEBASE himself for the likes of himself. A captain can't SERVICE his first mate. It's not how things are DONE. What would God Mother DAVY JONES say??

This goes on for anywhere between several months to twenty-mumble years depending on just how ill you need these men to be about each other to nut, or whatever.

Enter: Stede Bonnet, who Izzy absolutely does not respect and who eats pussy like he's been in a loveless sexless marriage for twenty years. That is so say: badly, weirdly, and with enough eagerness that the first two things don't matter.

Someone once said that Stede just sticks his nose in it. This is fact.

Point is, one day Ed walks in on Izzy with Stede knee deep in the passenger's seat and has a full-on existential crisis.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I COULD HAVE BEEN DOING THIS FOR TWENTY(?) YEARS, Ed shouts as he wraps Izzy's thighs around his head.

"Oh, that's how you do that," says Stede, and Izzy pretends that the kick he delivers to Stede's chest is purely because Ed is doing something with his tongue that Izzy thought was only possible in one of those weird dreams were nobody has to breathe.

Your Poor Wife floats a voice on the wind--Davy Jones, in case you were wondering, because he actually HAS been watching this whole time.

"Did you hear something?" asks Lucius, several decks away.

"Not at all," says Fang, and ignores the fact that everyone on the ship can clearly hear a very distictive raspy voice wailing from the Captain's cabin.

[lavenderprose]

one of my fav tumblr phenomenons is when there's a poll where all the answers are just patently absurd and yet somehow there's a clear winner