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contagious-watermelon · 2 months

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tomboy trans girls ily <3 by the law of equivalent exchange, there's got to be a masculine trans woman out there that i switched places with gender-wise. hope she's doing well

#in all seriousness it was trans women who made me finally get out of denial about my own transness #i kept writing off trans men from being Really Men bc i thought every woman hated womanhood and being female‚ and just suffered through #bc society brainwashes you into gender conformity #and ''well‚ i may as well deal with this horrible lot in life'' which is what i thought everybody else also thought #but trans women very obviously were NOT brainwashed by society into wanting to be and enjoying being female. so clearly there was something #wrong with that assumption i had made....#and also‚ with how much people insist you're ''saying women can't be masculine without really being men‚'' it was great to find out #that i don't have to worry about there being less butch women in the world‚ bc there are many trans women who actually love and enjoy being #masc AS WOMEN‚ and i don't need to force myself to be that bc there are people out there who really do want that for themselves‚ despite #everything society tells them #and ofc cis women can be and are butch as well but I'll always feel much more of a connection with masc trans women #bc we're both masculine and trans‚ even though they're obviously going in the opposite direction to me #mtf #transfem #transgender #transsexual #trans #o.

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sprinklethetangerine · 4 months

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Hey, I just watched Dead Poets Society for the first time ever! Now, if you guys don't mind, I'm gonna go sit in the corner of my room and scream!

#me very politely asking whoever made this movie to revive Neil (i am holding them at gunpoint)#NO BECAUSE WHAT THE FUCK #what about my anderperry you cant do that... my anderperry you killed it... why ☹️#no but literally i usually cling onto one character in every show or movie and the rest i could care less about guess who it was for dps?#NEIL IT WAS FUCKING NEIL AND THEY KILLED HIM #i am rotating his father on a fire like a rotisserie chicken and feeding him to dogs.#i hope his father dies a slow agonizing death. i will boil him alive.#me at the end of the movie waiting for someone to say psyche or people to jump out with cameras and tell me i was being pranked #me before: “haha people seem to like this movie a lot it sure seems interesting ill check it out”#me after: “what is life...”#no but all of them standing kn the desks was so AHHHHHH #and i qant to fucking fight that bitch whatever his face was idk i forgot most of their names #the chatterbox tattletale snitchy bitch #thats his name now forget his actual name #dps #dead poets society #anderperry #since i mentioned it in the tags #nuwanda literally was like “sure yeah ill get expelled but i wont rat you guys out”#but chatterbox tattletale snitchy bitch mister “you forgot about the homework” over here is like “yeah so i told them everything”#i am exploding his head with my fucking mind #he deserved that punch so fucking bad

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codenamesazanka · 4 months

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Shigaraki/Tenko wanting to destroy the false sense of peace All Might and Heroes created

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Shigaraki/Tenko wanting to destroy everything that lead to the existence of that house, which he conceptualizes as the embodiment of rejection and injustice in the world. Be a Hero for the Villains.

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AFO basically literally created that house

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Shigaraki/Tenko helps defeat AFO

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Deku telling him 'you already destroyed it' is... apparently Shigaraki/Tenko having finally gotten rid of the true cause of (his) rejection and injustice? main antagonist's big problem that represents an overarching major issue of the story/in-universe society... solved? (main antagonist's big problem that represents an overarching major issue of the story/in-universe society not actually being the problem he thought it was but now also solved?)

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No longer a need for there to be a Hero for the Villains, Shigaraki/Tenko dies.

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Heroes not to be blamed in the first place. also fuck everyone else and all other 'actual' outcasts I guess.

#i understand that Tenko not having 'supposed' to be rejected doesn't mean the rejection didn't occur for the other League members #but taking that away from Tenko/Shigaraki - leader of the League of Villains - wanting to be their champion #symbolically being their collective grievances and wills condensed into one #taking that away makes the story a lot weaker #GOD what happened #nalslastworkingbraincell #honestly making everything AFO's fault #and making Tenko's main issue being his despair toward himself (created by AFO)#allowed for the (seemingly for now) clean resolution of 'get rid of the both of them' possible #It's AFO's fault? Kill him! Problem solved #Tenko's issue not actually *harm caused by other (non-AFO) people* but instead *harm caused by his self-conceptualization/his own self*?#Tenko's projecting his own self-loathing and anger onto the world and causing trouble for everyone and making his crusade meaningless?#let him die too. Pity but problem solved!#AFO gave him the specific quirk that was Decay because it was such a brutal and deadly quirk that would guarantee rejection #you cannot tell me he could've been fine after manifesting Decay if only AFO wasn't there to tell him he has an innate need to destroy #not after what we've seen of Shinsou and Toga #other 'normal' people would not have let him live a normal life #that *is* also very much a problem that should be addressed #but it was AFO who gave him Decay and Decay was also actually not naturally existing #so everything's fine! no changes for anyone!#all this could've been saved if this was transferred to AFO - AFO also seen as a victim of societal apathy #especially since he was BORN A TRASH RIVER RAT ORPHAN #but he's just a lonely guy who was too unpleasant to form real relationships #so. only real issue Hero Society ever had that needed to be addressed was civilians being too hard on Heroes #gotta love them more and demand less of them #yippee

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autisticaradiamegido · 1 year

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day 226

team charge got me feeling emotions

#day 226 #year 4 #AradiaAugust #aradia megido #tavros nitram #homestuck #team charge #bro. aradia cares about tavros so damn much #and i think she genuinely thinks he is very cool for being the type of person he is #like. i think ive said this before but #alternia is a place that by design is meant to harden you to the world and make you ruthless and competitive and aggressive #and the fact that tavros has EVERYTHING screaming at him to be literally anything other than the weenie lil softboy he is #and continues to be like. oh yeah i dont play fucked up alien pokemon for the combat im just out here making friends with my little guys :)#i think aradia parses that attitude as a very Cool Act Of Rebellion given the society in which they live #it explains why she goes to the lengths she does to protect/avenge him against vriska who is just.#the absolute antithesis to all that.#i think aradia probably thinks vriska is a fuckin square. shes boring because she does exactly what society tells her to do all the time.#and not only that but shes out here trying to make tavros the same way. aradias not fuckin having it!#anyway. i have thoughts about the flarpers i think about them a lot

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aroaessidhe · 2 months

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2024 reads / storygraph

Our Lady Of Mysterious Ailments & The Mystery at Dunvegan Castle

books 2 & 3 in the Edinburgh Nights series

paranormal mystery set in a climate-ravaged future Scotland, plagued by ghosts and magic

follows a 15yo Black girl who’s finally gotten an in to learn scientific magic properly - but it turns out to be an unpaid internship, so she has to take more jobs delivering ghost messages and investigating mysteries to take care of her gran and little sister

in book 2 she’s investigating a strange illness centred on a magic school for boys

and in book 3 she’s attending a global magician conference held in a creepy castle - when someone’s murdered, and they’re locked in until she figures out the culprit

Zimbabwean magic, friendship, disabled characters, no romance (so far)

#The Mystery at Dunvegan Castle #Our Lady Of Mysterious Ailments #Edinburgh Nights #T.L. Huchu #The Library of the Dead #really enjoy this series!#the worldbuilding is very interesting - kinda combo climate-ravaged future but also in some aspects societally it feels kinda 1800s #(especially with the vibe of the mystery/paranormal elements)#I saw that the author (who is from Zimbabwe) describe it as ‘if edinburgh was a third world city’ which actually makes a lot of sense #Also I have to make the wendell & wild x lockwood & co comp again #I felt like book 2 was a little all over the place? I slightly lost track of the other-realms stuff lol #I really loved book 3 though - definitely more direct plot-wise #I like how it explores her journey through learning that the magic society is just as corrupt and shitty as anything else and maybe she #doesn't want it after all. as well as how the stress of everything is getting to her is causing panic attacks #love the scottish accent in the audiobooks!#so many interesting different supernatural elements. yay for sidhe in book 3 (tho only briefly)#hold on. do the book covers reflect the colour of her locs. (ok not quite for book one which is usually blue but there is a green variant)#ok I did say no romance but also I can’t tell if I’m just imagining Something between ropa & priya bc in book 3……they had some moments.#I mean I enjoy them as platonic moments also but just noting here in case it DOES turn out to be intentional and something that happen??#also fair warning the promo for book four seems to spoil somehting that's not even in the blurb??#aroaessidhe 2024 reads

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toddtakefive · 4 months

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thinking about todd and his resolve toward… not quite isolation, but being alone in a room full of people again. he goes along to the study room to sit on his own and do his homework, he sits at the poets table and follows along with what’s being said while keeping quiet, he goes to the meetings at all but doesn’t necessarily contribute (in fact, if you watch him when cameron is telling the story ‘from camp in sixth grade’, you can see that he recognizes it before any of the other poets but doesn’t voice it until they all have). he’s not alone, necessarily, if you want to get technical about it, he’s just lonely, and he’s generally okay with that. he doesn’t have friends and that’s fine, he doesn’t participate in class and that’s fine, he doesn’t have a relationship with his family and that’s fine—he could live without any real connection and he’d have been, more or less, fine.

the thing about when he says “i can take care of myself just fine!” is that he isn’t really wrong, you can infer that he’s been doing it his entire life anyway, it’s that ‘taking care of yourself’ isn’t the same thing as really living or being happy. todd’s an introvert, certainly, and even as he gets closer to the group he defaults to sitting quietly in the background, but he’s also denying himself community out of fear not introversion. todd isn’t friendless because he’s an introvert, although that definitely plays a part, he’s friendless because he pushes anyone that might want his company away. if anyone has every wanted for his attention in the first place. (neil’s unwavering interest in him is unique (even when it comes to the rest of the poets, who are fine with todd coming along and joining the group, but aren’t really hellbent on him being there in the beginning) and his refusal to accept it is a direct result of being so lonely growing up.)

there’s obviously something to be said about the implications of his parents neglect, and the more than likely fact that he grew up friendless, and how those both play a part in in him being so skilled at dodging social interaction/being so avoidant of it, but by the time we see him in the movie he’s all but accepted his fate as being alone his entire life. he’s already accepted being the family disappointment, and he’s already accepted he’ll never amount to anything, and he obviously doesn’t like it, but he’d have managed living with that knowledge without the confirmation that it was all wrong. would he have been miserable? almost certainly. but he’d have managed. he’d done it for that long already, anyhow.

#and like obviously it’s BAD in the long run and his isolation IS only making his life worse but… genuinely he’d have been alright #all things considered #it’s super interesting to me how it’s neil who starts the domino effect of todd’s life becoming Less Shit #both by beliving in him and putting faith in him that he’s never seen before and refusing to let him hide away #but it isn’t a savior moment on neil’s part #and i find it so odd when people frame it as one #todd is like… actively irritated at him in that scene 😭#neil is right that todd needs to get out of his shell and put himself out there and Believe in himself #but todd can’t accept it yet because he can’t see what neil sees in him yet and doesn’t believe it exists at all #and it frustrates him because unlike everyone else neil REFUSES to give up on him #and as far as todds concerned it’ll be for nothing #as far as todd’s concerned neil isn’t a savior or a hero in that scene he’s an annoyance #a necessary one in the grand scheme of things but an annoyance all the same #i think people forget that just because todd DOES want to break out of his shell (‘don’t you think you could be?’ / ‘no! i… i don’t know!’ +#‘come on you heard keating don’t you want to *do* something about it?’ / ‘*yes* but…’) doesn’t mean he knows how or believes he actually CAN #todds autonomy can be taken away from him a lot (ironic) and he can be twisted into someone with no opinions or thoughts or whims +#outside of neil but that isn’t really the case #and a part of that blame lands on the movie because todd doesn’t get explored a lot but there’s still evidence of him being his own person #he’s not a yesman and he tells neil when his ideas are stupid (keeping the audition from his father) or he just doesn’t personally agree +#(the entire ‘no’ scene) and he functions perfectly well when neil isn’t around and while they aren’t focuses +#there are short scenes where todds alone or scenes that start eith them apart that make it clear they aren’t attatched to each other +#in the way people can often write them to be (that is in the trenches if the other is missing)#this post and all these tags are my long winded way of saying FUCK the codependent anderperry thing some people subscribe to it makes me #mad #neil’s goal is to help todd grow into himself and become his own person and find his identity more than anything #and todd doesn’t need neil to hold his hand to do literally anything and everything he’s a normal guy with anxiety #come on guys #dps #dead poets society #todd anderson

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naamahdarling · 3 months

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#life isn't fair and that's okay #like we as a society could do better and THAT is unfair but that isn't LIFE itself #so our cat dying is hard but I don't lament the unfairness because there is no controlling that #i accept it #because the whole time we have had him has been so beautiful and the fact that we ever knew him is so unlikely #it almost offsets it in a way #that loving them is always stolen time because they are so temporary #but that doesn't mean I'm not falling apart and scared and trying to do the right thing with almost nothing to work with but love #and my boyfriend isn't okay because raleigh is his heart cat and as best i can tell is his first heart animal #and he has never had a pet loss like this #and supporting him through it has just been love and helplessness dancing hand in hand #unable to change anything #i can do this emotionally but materially we just...ran out of everything this month #and for the first time in a long time we are going to be completely dry BEFORE we can cover pet expenses #and i know it wasn't irresponsibility it was just a storm of bullshit happening all at once but i still feel so terrible #i wish there had been a way to do better enough to have made a difference #it doesn't tear me apart that my cat is dying it #tears me apart that his mouth hurts and I have to beg for help to feed him #i wish it wasn't him #i wasn't expecting it to be him #and i feel terrible about that too

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captainofthetidesbreath · 7 months

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Midst is about a murder the exact same way that Disco Elysium and Pentiment are about a murder.

#They're about murder but also about ideology and authority systems and maybe trying to do what's right when there's little space to.#(And how extremely wrong that can go because of the weight of institutions and ideologies and history itself on everyone and everything)#It's about what you're told and who is telling you. About change and potential second chances.#About communities and societies and how we build them (for better and for worse) and what it is we owe and give and take from one another.#About realizing you can feel the world turning right here and right now. About change and its conditions.#Midst things #Midst #Midst podcast #Disco Elysium #Pentiment

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witheredgardenparty · 3 days

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Has anyone talked about how each member of the Genius Society represents the over reliance on the belief of intelligence but not the act of intelligence?

#like they mostly take up resources and are pseudo-celebrities more than they do useful things #They act more as villains over consuming resources that could be put to better use #If anything more people should hate them #In universe not like as characters #but just like in real life - people don't notice how awful they actually are #I think at one point it's stated that Ruan Mei turned a desert planet into a lush jungle or something?#I cannot emphasize enough -- she fucked over that ecosystem. That was fucked up of her. She killed everything.#And people praised her for it! They don't care about science. They care about the prestige. She's famous. Nous chose *her*#Herta doesn't even do her own work. Nothing would get done if it wasn't for all of her assistants.#Screwllum is god-king of his own planet. I mean he also killed a god-king but you can't go around replacing one with yourself #Which is what makes Ratio so fun. He notices and calls them out.#but also in a way where it's hard to tell if there's jealousy involved or not.#And his version of intelligence is helpful. He gives back to his community. He cares about people first even if they annoy him.#The only Society members I respect are Stephen (baby); the one philanthropist (thin ice); the spider (awesome);#and the serial killer who kills other members who I strongly suspect to be Herta but that's another conversation entirely #Anyway I just think it's odd that they're an obvious analogy for how people think there is such as thing as “intelligence”#that can be declared by some all-knowing all-seeing creature and everyone else is “worthless” by comparison #to even be said as much by a character in the game #and the audience still thinks they're supposed to be smart.#Nous was created by an egotistical man who was himself first recognized by his own biased judging algorithm #The Genius Society isn't the epitome of intelligence they are Silicon Valley #like the parody is so fucking on point there are literal jokes in game if you pay attention

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faaun · 1 month

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ok let's catch up quickly

#so i went on a few dates w this guy. long hair beautiful face kinda looked like a girl (good) said yes ma'am when i told him to do smth #(also good) film student great at photography including candids. made a sheath of leather for a sword pin i have . et cetera.#he asked to cuddle and i was like iggg and then i felt Nothing and i was like ohhh yh ok ok yep lesbian #like he meets almost all my criteria but. yeahhh no . also at the end of that date he had some weird takes. anyway broke up w him and told #him actually im p sure im a lesbian (again) and he was like yk thats the second time this has happened to me this week but its ok bc ive #fallen for this girl from berlin. and then we cooked together. anyway . met a beautiful butch lowk in love w her. weve been on (1) date.#have two exams in a few days havent studied enough going to like end it all basically. my research partner kicked me off our research #(expected(it was always skinda sketchy)) which was devastating + it happened in a lidl 15 hours into a journey from bordeaux #to go back to the UK. my friends were kinda busy paying for baguettes but also they heard this whole exchange and are kinda mad at him #my friend of 10+ years is coming over in a few days. my evil ex situationship person that i decided to stay friends w because i kept #insisting they are a good friend and not evil and also extremely beautiful? turns out shockingly enough they were evil. tried to fix them #and then i realised due to their entire friendship group being ppl like me (Every Single One of their friends are ppl they met on dating #apps then led on then dumped and proposed staying friends w) and are collectively extremely attracted to them and not over them they #keep validating the most diabolical shit they say/do to hace a chance w them. they broke up w their ex and the way they keep leading #this poor girl on and making her heartbeeak worse and saying that they want more power over her and want her to beg for them back etc...MY #JAW HAD DROPPED esp bc i didnt even know the ex was in the picture BECAUSE ME AND ONE OF OUR FRIENDS (that they also dated) HAD JUSR SLEPT #NAKED TOGETHER IN THEIR BED W THEM. GIRL. anyway that is the least of the diabolical stuff they said but no we are moving onnn #this was b4 the beautiful butch btw. anyways . i have a mitski concert tmrw i think?? idek anymore #i used to have a crush on this guy very briefly and then it disappeared and then i realised if he fundementally changed everything abt #himself then maybe id like him but ofc i didnt tell him that but i still think abt it sometimes but anyway thats irrelevant now bc 99% sure #even if he did id still not find him attractive (lesbianism). please recommend good overnight moisturisers btw i have super dry skin #right. the friend of 10 yrs. we had a hard convo abt why she essentially bullied me in year 8 and it made me highly bitter but i also love #her and ik things are diff now its been like . Many Years . and shes going to stay a while I HAVE TWO EXAMS I DONT HAVE TIME but i love her #its fine. i think i might just switch into medicine and do the whole become a neurosurgeon thing (which was my plan B) bc plan A is looking #kinda impossible rn. I WANNA TALK MORE ABT WHAT THE EX SITUATIONSHIP PERSON SAID but i wont bc i dont wanna be too mean but also . MY GOD #i had a conversation w a philosopher friend about whether i have a moral responsibility to try to fix them bc unleashing this on society #feels wrong and he said 'probably but...run' so yeah im not talking to them atm. second date w beautiful butch on monday btw IDK WHAT TO #WEAR. she said she likes fems. im just gonna wear the shortest ralph lauren skirt i have w the cute leg warmers and hope 4 the best #its 1:15 AM im abt to drink coffee and start studying bc what the FUCK man. also almost finished watching the boys its very good #one of my best friends is struggling rn it is breaking my heart i want to take the burden from her i miss her very much

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shannonsketches · 4 months

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like why did they change where Vegeta was when Cell announced the cell games in the anime

why did they make this vegeta starting shit with yamcha instead of chillin in the lab with his family? why did they take Bulma out of the lab? Why'd they say she was Out while Dr Brief was repairing 16? Why did they change Bulma working on advanced robotics to running in late with her baby?

it's the same scene except: - Bulma's actively at work being a scientist - Vegeta's not being rude to her (or anyone else!) - Vegeta waits for Trunks instead of leaving the room - Cell interrupted the airwaves, which means Trunks and Vegeta were just hanging out with Bulma and Dr B while they were working

Those are all Great Character Details!! That the anime rails against!!

#these cowards afraid of showing Vegeta actively choosing to be around his wife and child even when he's Bad #Because Goku who is Good never ever even once makes that choice onscreen outside of filler #and then they justify that choice by making Chi-Chi seem horrid and unreasonable for (checks notes) Not Wanting Her Child to Die #anyway I am once again being bitter about anime vs manga klasjdklasd #I can't believe I let the anime convince me I hated Goku man Goku's SUCH a good and ridiculous character in the manga #the anime just SUCKS at letting him be who he's always been #and has to reframe and recontextualize and reword everything he does so that it seems like he's Actually Quite Mature and Thoughtful nO #THAT's VEGETA YOU COWARDS #also the fact that bulma said she wouldn't live with him at the beginning of this arc to him casually hanging out with her and trunks #after cell beat his ass and humbled him is REALLY GOOD SUBTEXT for their shared relationship having improved without showing it #it's great subtext for all three of them and toei just went 'nah' and decided to make it a whole group shot so ...? Master Roshi could sit #and explain how ??? Tournaments Work??? Just so Cell could log on and also explain how tournaments work?? God it's been so long #since I've watched the anime and now when I do it just makes me mad aklsdjskja the manga is SOOOOO much better #there are some spots where the pacing is more ideal in the anime like goku turning ssj for the first time but like man. everything else is.#like why are you making Goku snarky with Vegeta dude his clapbacks are SO much funnier when they're just Tactless Honesty #like Vegeta's not insulted by Snark bitch he grew up in the Freeza force that man was raised by THE bitchiest drag queens #Vegeta's insulted by someone saying something deeply and insultingly True to his face as if it's the fucking weather #Goku in the anime is like 'a battle of wits hoho' but Goku's purity is part of the joke he's not snippy he's just got no social etiquette #He's just honest! He's not trying to be insulting. That's what MAKES it insulting! That's the WHOLE GAG of why Vegeta can't stand him #Goku is always just telling the truth and it's always the rudest shit Vegeta's ever heard in his life #'it's a sunny day! i'm way stronger than you! see you out there bud!' 10000% Genuinely Friendly. Golden Retriever-Ass Pure.#Infuriating. Hilarious.#anyway I looked at anime clips to make sure I remembered things right and that was a mistake #as someone who has a soft spot for it and grew up on it -- compared to the manga it's bad and it's always been bad #and toriyama was right to be disinterested in watching it jesus christ they BUTCHERED his work #anyway this has been another shot of haterade with sketches thank you for scrolling my rambletags askljdask #dbtag #i just truly can't get over how they make Vegeta call her 'woman' in the anime and he literally only ever calls her Bulma in the manga #except for on namek when he refers to her as 'the/that woman' because she is a complete stranger #why is he calling her woman like he's a 1940s american husband and not an extraterrestrial from a deeply advanced society toei

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isawthismeme · 4 months

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sir-adamus · 1 year

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Hobie’s response to being reminded about losing someone close to him by reacting with hostile dismissiveness makes sense

he sees this for exactly what it is - Miguel using that trauma to manipulate and control the other Spiders - and it pisses him off instead of letting the sadness over it override his judgment

#Across the Spider-Verse #atsv spoilers #Hobie is the smartest character in the movie and it's great #no wonder he latches onto the younger Spiders too - they haven't been fully indoctrinated yet #and he can encourage them to think more critically #Pavitr hasn't had anything bad really happen to him yet #and he outright states the only reason he sticks around Spider Society is to look out for Gwen #almost everything he says to Miles is either advice on how to use his powers #or encouraging him to think for himself and trust his instincts #actually point of contrast there: when Gwen's doubts start rising she mentions that her gut is telling her this is wrong #and Jess tells her /not/ to trust her gut #and in the end it was Hobie who was actually looking out for Gwen when Jess did nothing to defend her #hell for the most part Gwen's spider team is made up of kids and the very few adults she can trust #and a cartoon pig

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kuja-kujaku · 6 months

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lmao I’m not even 32 yet and someone asked me when I’m going to start coloring my grey hair. never, actually, it’s a condition. it’s called Pretty Boy Disease and it’s terminal. it just gets worse as I get older, I just keep getting more and more grey hairs until I’m so hot people can’t stand to look at me. make sure it’s an open-casket funeral, don’t put me in the ground without getting a good eyeful bc I worked hard for these sultry little grey binches.

#god damn this society hates everything about being human at a base level #I’m not old and grey hairs are just normal #I’ve had a grey patch since I was like 14 #but like shut the fuck up also #throw the entire concept of being old out the window until you’re like fucking. 75+ and then get back to me #30 will be peak if you let it #in fact I feel better now than I ever did before #undo that conditioning that the 20s are the only fun times in your life or that you’re old past 25 #it’s insane to me to see people hating wrinkles or average facial features and calling them old #when we literally are born with wrinkles and some of us have more dramatic creases even in our teens #American media especially just fetishizes this false idea of youthfulness #but anyway fuck everything and everyone who tells you to change yourself bc of your age #aging gracefully has nothing to do with coloring your hair and everything to do with treating yourself with kindness and loving your body #aging gracefully #thirty is not old #real shitposting hours #y’all need to do some introspection #and some self acceptance while you’re at it

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piplupod · 3 months

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feels like the isolation is a gushing wound and going to the centre is just a small bandage. i think perhaps i am not really ever going to feel okay unless something miraculous happens. i am retaining some semblance of sanity now that I'm leaving the house and socializing with non-family more than once a week, but i am still hurting more than I can really tolerate and I don't know what to do about it. there doesn't seem to be a fix for this that I can enact.

#part of me wonders if going to the centre is helping or hurting more #but i think it's definitely helping more. however it is definitely also hurting/making some things worse #i just wish I could be operating at the same level as most of society #and i feel so egotistical when I talk abt this #but like. why am i always so fucking aware of every single thing going on #and everyone else is just painfully oblivious #I AM USING HYPERBOLE. ITS NOT EVERYONE. i know im not the only person ever lmao #when i got my autism diagnosis i thought oh good okay so THIS is why im such a freak #and now I've met so many other autistic ppl irl and um. no. no thats definitely not it still.#yes its probably part of it but im also just. so fucking traumatized i guess idk. i hate this so much #i just want to be the same and fit in and not be analyzing everything and be able to actually speak my mind #and not be so kind and polite and respectful all the time and be able to say shitty stupid things without thinking anything of it #im so tired of being the only one who seems to care so much about everyone else's comfort and feelings #but also at the same time i would hate if i acted like everyone else bc i know how shitty it makes people feel #and people are always so happy to see me because I am useful and make them feel good and comfortable and heard #and that matters. that means a lot to people i think. but also I am not a person. i am a tool.#and I'd really like to be a person #i somehow feel like im operating at a higher level/awareness than almost everyone irl and also way below everyone at the same time #like im so hyperaware of everyone else more than most ppl but im also so socially inept sometimes. and just... idk how to be a person.#i dont know i just want to not be like this. its so lonely and tiring and i want to matter to people #i want them to like me for more than just what I'm able to do for them. I want to be liked for Me i guess. but Me isnt likeable maybe #Me is uncomfortable for people. Me is a trembling cornered prey animal with a longing to tell stories but is too afraid to do anything #and so Me just exists in a hollow shell made out of people-pleasing and fawning and mirroring everyone around them #and then i get lonelier and more isolated and nothing really changes. but every time i try to crack open the shell a little it goes badly #like i genuinely dont think its my paranoia. i think it is not Safe for Me to exist properly.#i am too sensitive probably! but it does very much feel like a raw wound that peope jab aggressively at when i open up a little!#boy howdy i sound like such a wuss. i mean i probably am one fjfkdl #i just feel like I keep trying to fix things and improve and try new things and nothing ever really works well #my counsellors have always commented on how impressed they are at my willingness to try things #and its like ?? yeah ! ofc i am going to try things! maybe that will be smth that finally helps!

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20001541 · 6 months

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to think that if yoichi hadn't gone against afo then afo would've been able to fully take over society with minimal effort and then finally be able to get everything he's ever dreamed of

#he spent so many years chasing after yoichi it delayed his other plans for over a century #if yoichi had joined him from the start then he would've been able to dedicate all his time to taking over and then the bnha society would #look very different than how it looks now #says so much about a41 though in how he was willing to just drop everything and go after him even when it would've been far more-#beneficial to kill the ofa holders when they had ofa in their possession (and hori tells us he did get his hand on two of them while they-#still had ofa so he could've easily ended it all there but he didn't)#might've made a post like this before but to me it's so !!!!!!!!! says so much about a41 and his feelings towards yoichi #side note but also thinking of how shigaraki mom would feel about seeing a world where a41 won #I guess it depends on which type of shigaraki mom you choose to think about....

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