#and Jess tells her /not/ to trust her gut

[sir-adamus]

Hobie’s response to being reminded about losing someone close to him by reacting with hostile dismissiveness makes sense

he sees this for exactly what it is - Miguel using that trauma to manipulate and control the other Spiders - and it pisses him off instead of letting the sadness over it override his judgment

[a2l1y1]

Can you keep a secret?

ft. Bsf Ellie Williams.

Summary ➜ You’ve always had a crush on your best friend, but you never got the chance to tell her. Both of you have horrible love love relationships status, you knew this wouldn’t work.

Warnings ➜ a LOT of smut. Praising, degrading, use of strap, receiving, teasing, use of alchocol, drugs, cigarettes, making out etc. Idk, lesbian things🤗 .And obviously Ellie being a total loser.

disclaimer : I have a little bad grammar when it comes to explicit/smut writing, and generally my English sucks.

PS: A LOT OF WRITING HERE 😫!!!!

(And basically too much writing so I don’t wanna use my time into checking for any bad spelling or mistakes here, if you can’t understand then uh, try to? Anyways.)

You always had a crush on Ellie. Whether it was seeing and listening to her talk about dinosaurs or yapping about the galaxy, the stars, the planets, just Ellie being Ellie herself, you loved and admired her. You always visited her and stayed over at her apartment, which was calmly quiet except for the times that you would bring a karaoke and blasted off some music until three in the morning singing and yelling with Ellie.

Ellie loved ranting to you about her romantic love life. Which, obviously as a best friend you’d be glad and excited that she has enough trust in you to talk into extreme details about her horrible relationship status. But, as a Ellie being your forever and obsessive crush whom you’d literally drop in your knees if she asked, even as a joke? You felt like complete shit. Having to suck up your excessive amount of jealousy you would’ve gotten over every single girl who was lucky enough to kiss Ellie was insane. So right when you would’ve gotten the chance to be alone away from Ellie or finally at your apartment, your room or your car, you’d just start sobbing over the thoughts of Ellie touching, kissing and loving other girls. You hated the fact of Ellie being so clueless she couldn’t see how bad you were for her, that’s why out of pure jealousy you’d scare away her dates every single time you could.

Like for example Cat; Ellie and Cat met around December? You and Ellie were at Jesse’s random party which he threw as a celebration for Dina’s score of something, nobody cared about the context. Which, honest speaking, everyone just went there and had a blast for the alcohol and the beer. Long story short you purposely dropped some wine on her white crop top and pastel blue jeans. You told her Ellie was taken so she could at least get an idea to go away.

But hey, sometimes you let Ellie have some dates to just cover yourself up so it’s not so suspicious that nobody in town wants to go with Ellie Williams, even if it hated your guts.

“Well, uh how did it go with that brunette girl, Katy was it?” You asked Ellie as you sat on her bed, legs crossed as you brushed your wet and messy hair, looking for a conversation while Ellie read a book beside you. “Hmm, I guess it was okay but I don’t think she’s into me, definitely straight.” Ellie answered as she turned her page over, marking her page up as she looked over to you and gave a soft shrug. You couldn’t help but to give an awkward smile back, having to play it ‘cool’ with Ellie was not your thing, but since you’ve been crushing over her for a while you tried to get the hang of it. “Well uh hey there’s plenty of other girls for you, maybe just not her” you sighed sarcastically, knowing you were excited and surprised that this girl failed just like the rest.

“Man I just think these girls are playing, I want a relationship like I dunno… maybe something that lasts more than just a conversation?” Ellie groaned as she closed her book playfully aggressive, turning to look at you while you finished brushing your hair and doing a little and simple ponytail. You laughed, Ellie just arguing about her hopeless relationships was cute, avoiding the fact you were the main reason why they didn’t worked but let’s skip that.

“Okay well y’know what? Let’s avoid that question then.” You answered as you dropped your head over Ellie’s shoulder, fidgeting and playing with her hand, admiring her tattoo. “Well, what about you? You barely talk about your boyfriends?” questioned Ellie as she gently moved your head, trying to make a firm and excited eye contact, waiting for your love drama. You haven’t told Ellie that you weren’t exactly ‘straight’ since obviously the only girl you were desperate to date was her, you just tried to find dates to fill the void with stupid and clueless guys who didn’t wanted anything but sex.

“Well uhm.. I don’t think I’m seeing Troy anymore, he asked me for nudes the third week of going out, and I don’t know feels weird.” You shrugged as you took your glasses off and began to clean them. “Oh shit uh damn… guys suck” Ellie answered as she tried to find a proper answer, she was horrible at comforting you but always tried to give her best effort at it.

“Well hey, you deserve so much better than that. I bet a lot of guys would want to treat you good and buy you flowers.” Ellie tried to comfort you as she placed her hand on your knee, softly rubbing it with her thumb as an act of love and comfort. You quickly felt embarrassed, needing to stay firm and regain control of yourself. “Y-yeah thanks els.” You relied as you checked your phone, it was two in the morning.

“Hey els, I think I should just go home” you pointed out as you softly put your things on your bag, it was too late and you weren’t having it. “Wait but it’s too late, why can’t you stay over?” Ellie suggested as she rapidly stood up and took her crocs off, turning some blue led lights on and turning the main lights off, throwing you some pillows and getting on her bed again. This was Ellie’s way of begging you to stay over, which cmon, it was Ellie. How could you decline her requests? You sighed, knowing it would be worse for you to stay calm but it was too late, Ellie was right. “Okay fine, only because it’s just too late and I don’t feel like driving” you groaned playfully as you got under Ellie’s dinosaur fluffy blanket.

- -

it was approximately four in the morning. That’s what you can at least remember, you couldn’t sleep, not at all. Ellie was knocked out, sleeping on your neck as if she hasn’t slept for decades. Her body wrapped around yours, she loved cuddling you at night. You were flushed and sweaty, couldn’t keep your eyes off Ellie at all. Her heavy breathing close to your neck, her body around yours, her arms on your waist, this was making you an absolute mess. You couldn’t breathe properly, your rhythm was not synced right, you could swear everyone on the apartment floor could hear your heartbeats of how loud and fast you felt them. On a good hand, this was good, but knowing how bad you are over Ellie? This wasn’t so enjoyable. Worse thing about sleeping with Ellie was that she is a horrible sleeper, she moves and constantly. her hands felt as if she was wandering around your body, this made you feel as guilty as possible. Before both of you said your good nights, you took off your shirt since you assumed this would happen, and you hated being sweaty. But now? You were regretting it, feeling every inch of Ellie’s hands around you felt as if every gasp of air you took was thicker.

“Fuck, els… move the fuck away from me.” You whispered as you tried to take her hands away from your waist, but every time you moved her away, she would just grab you again and tighter. You could’ve just sworn this was just some silly prank and she was wide awake of how strong her grip was on your body. The guilty feeling of being so needy over this but knowing it was wrong repeated over your head. After minutes of silence and stress you decided to shift sides to the complete opposite direction of Ellie’s face, it was tough to move but you successfully did it. Regardless of your hard effort of trying to get Ellie away from you, Ellie’s cold hands gripped on your waist tighter, pulling you closer to her. You tried your best to bite your lower lip as hard as possible, needing to hold onto a whimper that was so close to escaping your lips. Ellie was basically spooning you now, and you felt as bad as before. Just imagining of the possible scenarios, but quickly coming into realization of how wrong you were for every thing of this. Ellie’s hands roaming around your waist as if you were some body pillow had you sweating like you ran a marathon and did 60 miles in less than an hour. Guilty of this thoughts and emotions, you forcefully pushed away Ellie’s hands away, needing to get a little air on your body and controlling your breaths. You knew this was wrong, but fuck it, you weren’t doing anything but Ellie being a horrible and heavy sleeper. You stood up from her bed, and slipped down your pants. You were just on some sports bra and boxers you stole from Ellie earlier. Sighing at the exhaustion and stress, you assumed it’ll be better to sleep on Ellie’s couch. So you did, you walked over to the living room, gently opening the door with a pillow and a blanket and you threw yourself on the couch.

“Wake up what the fuck are you doing on my couch???” Ellie yelled as she threw some pillows on your face, it was 8 am already. You felt as if it was seconds ago you tried sleeping and failed.

“Shit it’s your fault for being a bad sleeper I had to leave your room” you groaned as you hid your face under her dinosaur blanket, which didn’t help so much since Ellie quickly grabbed the blanket aggressively and tried to throw you off on her floor. “Listen, I know I’m a bad sleeper but don’t steal my dinosaur blanket.”

After a long session of playful arguments with Ellie you left her apartment. Still having the crazy flashbacks of last night that didn’t let you sleep at all. You decided to drive over to Dina’s place because aside Ellie being your best friend, she was your crush. And who could you talk about your crushes if your best friend IS the crush? Dina.

“Girl are you fucking with me right now? You didn’t woke her up and let her make you a mess.. you’re….full of stuff yeah” Dina chuckled as she took a sip of her wine, looking at you concerned knowing how many years you’ve been trying to avoid talking to Ellie about your feelings or anything, actually. “Dina, I swear I couldn’t talk she had her hands all over me how was I supposed to remain caaaalmmmm” you sighed as you scratched your cheeks stressfully. Dina shook her head, she hated seeing you like this. “Have you fucked someone before? Like actually, I think you might need some sex in your life. You definitely need a break from Ellie.” she suggested as she handed over a party flyer.

“Jesse is throwing another party tonight, you should come well dressed and hook up with someone, I doubt Ellie is coming today since cat might be there but it’s a great opportunity for you.” Dina added as she stood up and walked to the kitchen to wash her cup. “Are you sure? I feel guilty, I haven’t been able to go on dates knowing Ellie is the only one on my mind.” You confessed as you stood up and followed the girl, feeling like you’d go crazy. “Well, that’s a you problem girl, you need to find someone else to fill the void or else you’ll go crazy, go for Abby, I heard she likes you.” Dina responded as she opened her door and walked away with you to her balcony.

“Abby likes me? As in the actual Abby?” You widened your eyes in shock, how could Abby be into you knowing there’s tons of hotter girls who tried hitting her. “I guess I could I dunno.. try” you added as you kept thinking. “That’s the spirit! I’ll see you at Jesse’s house tonight then.” Dina smiled as she playfully punched your shoulder, she needed to find a way to cheer you up and remove Ellie from your head.

- -

Pink or pastel blue? You couldn’t decide. What am I even supposed to wear for this party if I wasn’t gonna impress Ellie Williams, but instead Abby, what is Abby even into? You felt weird, but maybe if you dressed as yourself you’d get something. You had your head fuzzed off by the guilt of knowing you’d finally do your shot with someone else after a while. That’s when your phone vibrated and you heard a notification; it was Ellie.

“Hey, r u up? What r u doing.” 11:08 pm.

You didn’t know what to tell her, going on a party without actually telling her or inviting her felt horrible. What if she caught you and Abby talking? What if she thinks you’re dating Abby and she liked you? What if Dina already invited her and she appears out of nowhere? No, you were overthinking. But lying felt horrible.

“I’m just trying on some clothes.” - 11:15 pm

“Ooo can I see? If not it’s ok loll” - 11:16 pm

Your face flushed, but you felt shitty. Showing your outfit to Ellie knowing it’s meant for Abby destroyed your thoughts completely. You didn’t wanted to hurt Ellie, but fuck this honestly, you knew Ellie wouldn’t just like you back, right? You’re her best friend but it still hurt.

“Nty, I don’t look so good anyways I don’t wanna show you my ugly side.” - 11:20 pm

“Lmao you’re never ugly but ok :))” - 11:22 pm

You wanted to scream. Little messages like this would’ve just made you go crazy over Ellie fucking Williams. But you couldn’t show her you were desperate on texting her either, so leaving her on read was more acceptable for you.

After minutes of deciding your last choice was a pastel pink crop top with some light jeans and some Adidas. You heard Abby wasn’t a Nike fan so maybe Adidas would do the trick, avoiding the fact your Nikes were all creasy and some of them weren’t so clean. You meet up with Dina and Jesse at the party and they greeted you as you walked in.

“Finally you’re here, I assumed you didn’t felt like coming.” Dina chuckled as she hugged you and offered a drink. “I just didn’t know what to wear, am I too overdressed?” You asked as you accepted Dina’s drink, walking over to the kitchen with her. “No you’re just perfect, make sure to have fun today and don’t think about you know who.” Dina added as she smiled and winked, she pointed out that Abby usually likes to smoke on the balcony or talk with people on the second floor rooms. But you had other plans, you’d just let things flow and you decided to walk away and explore your way out of things.

Maybe a little initiative won’t hurt, right? You decided to look for Abby on some rooms, accidentally opening ‘occupied’ rooms but needing to find her and distract your head. That’s until you opened a room and all the stored smoke left to your face as you slowly walked in and saw Abby sitting on a bed.

“Hi.” You awkward said as you closed the door and walked infront of Abby. “Uh hey, what’s up?” She asked in concern, you didn’t know what to talk about.

“I… uh can I stay here with you? If you don’t mind of course.” You awkwardly said as you sat on the bed beside Abby, giving her a soft smile. “Oh of course go ahead” Abby replied as she returned a smile and offered you her joint. “No thanks I don’t smoke” you chuckled as she widened her eyes in confusion.

“But aren’t you Ellie’s friend? I thought you smoked with her” Abby questioned as she looked at you with concern, and a little bit of something else. “No.. no, I mean yes Ellie smokes but I’m not really into it, I prefer drinking even tho she loves to offer me.” You chuckled awkwardly. Your whole point of being with Abby was to avoid thinking and talking about Ellie, which it made you feel uncomfortable. “Oh I see, well how have you been? Why did you wanted to see me?” Abby asked with a soft smile on her face while she studies your expressions and the way you talk.

“I just wanted to talk to you that’s all.” You replied in a soft tone as you trying to avoid eye contact. “Listen, if it’s about what people have said, it’s true. I do like you and I know we haven’t actually had any proper conversations like this but don’t feel pressured into talking to me.” Abby quickly confessed as she looked over to you and grabbed your face softly, forcing eye contact. “I… I don’t know, I just thought we could talk and.. well—” You were starting to stutter and overstimulate. You never liked Abby and you couldn’t find anything to respond or comfort her, the guilt was starting to reach your core and it wasn’t good.

“Hey hey that’s okay calm down oka..—” Abby tried to talk to you as she softly placed a hand on your knee, which disclaimer, Ellie loved doing that to show you comfort. You couldn’t take it any longer. You stood up and left the room, tears forming on your eyes as you left with no response. You gently rubbed your watery eyes, not fully paying attention to where you were walking as you went downstairs to get a drink. How the fuck could you be so normal talking to Ellie knowing you loved her? You hated pretending you were just fine. Maybe it was the drink Dina offered you making you this sensitive, or maybe the night was not yours. Too many thoughts forming on your head you didn’t noticed you bumped over someone.

“Hey, you okay? What’s wrong?” That voice, those words just felt recognizable. It was Ellie. “Wait..— are you crying?” She added as she tried to take your hands away from your face gently to look at you more clearly. You couldn’t help it but to tear up and hug her. “Love, did someone made you cry?” Her words were so reassuring but how could you tell her she was the reason you were crying? When you got a glimpse of the place and your eyes weren’t that watery as Ellie rubbed your back and hugged you, you noticed Dina looking at you with concern, and a little disappointed. She only wanted you to focus on you, but there you were; all over Ellie Williams once again.

Ellie didn’t enjoy seeing you cry, instead she took both of you out of that party and drove you to her apartment. Once she got to her apartment she walked you to her room and made you completely comfortable. She threw her dinosaur blanket ontop of you, kissed your forehead and brought you some ice cream she had on her fridge and sat down beside you. Honestly, you loved Ellie even if sometimes she was a little loser, but you couldn’t deny she treated you amazing just for being her best friend.

“Why were you talking with Abby.” You heard Ellie asking you in soft murmurs as she crossed her arms and looked over you from her side of the bed, a little bit more serious now than some seconds ago. “What… what do you mean?” You asked confused, just how did she found out?

“Abby texted me some minutes ago you left a room crying after you guys talked ” the word ‘talked’ was mocked into sarcastic air quotes as Ellie turned her phone off to directly look at you. “Just what were you talking with the famous Abby Anderson” She raised an eyebrow as she watched you with a firm tone. “If I’m being honest, I don’t know, Dina told me to go to that party and I had no one to talk to so maybe talking to her was the trick.” You halfway lied, it was true in a point but the other was just to distract your mind from Ellie.

“And you thought talking to Abby, which almost the entire town knows she has a crush on you, was the best way out. Right?” She groaned as she stood up and did her ponytail while rolling her eyes. You were confused, why was she making a big deal out of you only talking with Abby Anderson? Yeah she was popular but it wasn’t a big deal, not for you at least. “Wait are you fighting me for talking with her?” You asked, deeply concerned about the vibe Ellie was having.

“I’m not fighting you, I just I don’t like the way she randomly fucking texts me at one in the morning to mention me both of you talked on a room knowing I hate her.” She confessed, she looked so disgusted by the thought of you and Abby speaking, aside the fact she assumed it was something else you just didn’t understand.

“Wait. You’re assuming I fucked Abby and left crying?” You quickly understood, Ellie was jealous.

“You’re jealous” you confronted, as you widened your eyes on concern. “What? No im not, im not jealous of anything.” Ellie murmured as she dropped her hands and looked down at you with an annoyed expression. “You are jealous, why would you be so angry about me talking with Abby Anderson, yes I know you hate her, but I was just talking to her like any other human being just like you do too?” You mentioned, both of you knew that you hated people too, yet Ellie continues to speak with them normally, so what was the difference here?

“You’re just jealous.” You added as you looked at Ellie, trying to hold your laugh back.

“Okay so? What if I am? What now?” Ellie confessed as she rolled her eyes, annoyed at your lack of curiosity. “well… maaaaaybe THIS—” you yelled as you pushed her on the side of the bed, as you quickly got ontop of her and straddled her from above.

Ellie, fully off guard now tried to get off before reaching out and using her fingers to tickle you. She forcefully pushed you beside her as she rapidly climbed on top of you, now both of you start tickling and tugging each others arms and legs. Though, Ellie’s leg found a way between yours and every time you moved, your cunt brushed with the roughness of her jeans and the thinness of the shorts you were currently on.

Every time her leg brushes against your clit you whimper but try your best to cover it up with a giggle or poking her extra hard, but there was this one time that her leg brushed your now soaked cunt and you moaned her name uncontrollably loud.

“E-els.. fuuuck..—!” You moaned out. Ellie immediately stopped in her tracks. She looked at you with wide eyes.

"w-what did you say?" Ellie questions, fully confused and shocked by the sudden noise which came out of your mouth.

“Fuck.. your leg your- please take it off” You shut your eyes completely off as you tried to push her leg away softly, as she quickly noticed. “Oh shit- I’m so sorry fuck” Her face immediately flushed, embarrassed by not noticing this earlier. She got off of you and decided to go right to her closet and chance. And probably avoid you for some minutes.

You felt like your soul would rip out of you right there. You were so embarrassed and so soaked by her touch it was unbelievable. But before you know it, Ellie came back into some short basketball pants and a large T-shirt, with her face extremely flushed, standing over your side of the bed;

“I’m sorry about uh that, but if you feel uncomfortable I can sleep on the couch tonight-” she quickly spoke, trying to break the awkward silence between you too. You knew staying was gonna make you horribly guilty, maybe leaving was the best option.

“Nono it’s fine, I think I’ll go home. Talk to you some other time, els?” You responded, softly standing up and getting your things, you could notice her face looked like if she felt the same way too. God why was it so embarrasing? Was it your dramatic and loud moaning or the fact you liked her that had you this way, and even worse what was Ellie thinking? Your head felt dizzy of how much you kept overthinking. Years of hiding your feelings towards Ellie felt like they were thrown and drained by this simple mistake.

- -

You were at your apartment. Overthinking the situation over and over, your mind was all fuzzy and you felt so bad about yourself. Was your friendship with Ellie gone now? Would she see you differently? God would she tell anyone about that? So many thoughts and questions running through every inch of your body you didn’t know what to do. No notifications from her, no calls, nothing. It was 2 in the morning and you couldn’t sleep at all. Maybe if you got Ellie a present or some chocolates and apologize it’ll all work out?

So that’s what you did. You drove over to an open 24 hour gas station, and look over something that might cheer Ellie up. That’s when you found a CD on the movie section. It was Game of Thrones. You’ve never seen the film but you do remember Ellie yapping about wanting to see it but not being able to afford HBO Max. This and some chocolates will do.

You were at Ellie’s apartment door. Afraid of entering, knocking or even the thought of opening it. You took a big breath and let it out as a huge sigh, grabbing the doorknob to gently open it. You and Ellie had the trust of just opening your doors without hesitation so, you did.

“Els, I got you a present, and I miss you so uh yea..” you spoke as you tried searching for Ellie everywhere. No response from her though, she wasn’t on her usual spot on the living room, neither on the couch or bathroom. That’s when you walked softly through the hallway and heard rough grunting and moaning coming from Ellie’s room. You quickly stopped. Was she with someone this quickly? Who was she fucking? Just the thought of Ellie’s hands roaming around someone’s body made your heart ache. Being jealous wasn’t the right thing now, but leaving didn’t felt either.

Her door wasn’t even fully closed, was it a sign to come in? The curiosity killed you inside. you’ll get so killed for this, but you need to know. And so, you slowly walked to her door, just a peek of the girls she’s fucking will do. Shit. You couldn’t see a thing, if you opened her door hard enough they’ll notice. So you tried to gently and softly move the door a little, just to take a quick peek at Ellie and whoever was at her room. That’s when you heard Ellie grunt your name and your eyes widened.

“Fuck.. jus’ like that.” Ellie grunted as you noticed she wasn’t fucking anyone but herself. Her hands tightly wrapped around a sex toy as she used her strap to fuck it aggressively. Your face immediately became red. You’ve never heard Ellie nor seen her act like this. You couldn’t move, neither did you felt like leaving, why was watching her fuck herself felt so good? you’ve always thought of Ellie as caring, a loser girlfriend who’d take you to Walmart since she has no idea what your favorite mall is or sing you a lullaby before you’d sleep.

Ellie kept grinding on, moaning and breathing heavily as she kept groaning at the toy, repeatedly saying your name; she was fucking herself to the thought of you. You felt so needy, you could swear you could feel your urging cunt’s pulse. Soaked by the view, needing to be the one below Ellie right now, not that toy. Without taking your eyes off Ellie, you lowered your free hand, teasing your cunt though your pants. Staring firmly at Ellie, resisting to blink and miss any detail. You pressed your clit harshly, biting your lip to avoid moaning or leaving any noises to expose you.

Desperately, you unbuttoned your jeans, slipping your hand below your panties as you felt just how fucking soaked you were by staring at Ellie fuck herself. You sighed at the feeling, softly rubbing and playing with your clit, trying your best to follow Ellie’s movements. Feeling the need for more, you slipped two fingers inside of you, uncontrollably moaning at the feeling of your walls tightening, immediately shutting your eyes.

Ellie quickly stopped, she could’ve sworn she heard a moan. She looked over at the half opened door, noticing how you touched yourself just by looking at her, she parted her lips, staying agape at the view of you. She covered her toy and rapidly unbuckling her strap, throwing it on the other side of the bed as she came over to you. Shocked by it, you took your hand off of your pants and walked in with the CD.

“I… I’m sorry I shouldn’t have come over, but I uh got you this.” You handed her the cd as you couldn’t help but to share at her soaked boxers.

“How long have you…. Um y’know been staring there?” Ellie asked as she looked at you, speaking with a lower tone than the usual. You were too horny for this, you quickly pushed Ellie to her bed, getting on top of her. “S-shit hey what are you—” Ellie groaned as you interrupted her with a kiss. You knew this friendship was gonna lead to something or nothing, might as well risk it now, right? The kiss was very deepened by now, your lips felt numb to the point you didn’t even know how to think clearly. Your body was on fire and Ellie’s hands were exploring every inch of you. You couldn’t control yourself, just not anymore. Loudly moaning and whimpering was all you could do.

“F-fuck please lower your voice joel is gonna kill me for this.” Ellie groaned as she shut your mouth with her free hand, the other exploring through your pants as she pressed her thumb on your clit.

You groaned, your clit was so sensitive and so puffy by nothing, you needed her inside of you as quick as possible. Gently, you took Ellie’s hand out of your mouth as you lowered it to your breasts. “Els.. please I need you to fuck me s’bad..” you moaned as you looked at her hand on your pants, teasing you with a smirk on her face.

“Yeah baby, need me to fuck your little hole so bad?” Ellie mocked as she chuckled at how vulnerable you were; she loved this view. “Take this off.” She groaned, as she kissed you, unable to let you do any noise nor speak, needing you to obey. And so you did, you were now half naked with only your underwear and bra on. Ellie bit her lip as she stared at every inch of your body.

“Fuck… you look so gorgeous baby.” Ellie groaned lowly, not taking her eyes off of you. She quickly grabbed her strap that was beside her from earlier, buckling it under her boxers as she grabbed your thighs and separated them and got in between both to arrange herself right into your needy cunt. “You don’t know how much I’ve been wanting this.” She sighed as she gently caressed your soaked cunt through your panties, rubbing softly your clit as she then grabbed your panties and slid them to the side, wanting to have a better view of you before fucking you. “So wet for me baby, already?” She smirked, licking her fingers as she rubbed your clit in gentle circles, looking how you took her so good, whimpering and jolting at the bare minimum. You couldn’t bare this feeling, you shut your eyes fast, needing to savor this moment you’ve been waiting for. That’s when you felt Ellie’s strap slowly getting inside of your tight walls, so long and thick, making your cunt feel so full of her. “F-fuuuuuckkk….!” You moaned as your eyes widened in shock, just looking how good your pussy was with her fucking you slowly, getting you to enjoy every little movement she’d do to you before going rough.

And Ellie enjoyed this, the need to tease you before dumb fucking you, seeing you so weak and needy for her strap it was incredible. “Wait wait please els go faster s’good…” you whimpered, these slow motion was making feel your cunt’s pulse, a strange feeling but felt so good. And before you knew it, Ellie pushed her strap more inside of you, now doing faster and rougher movements to hurry your ecstasy. “Fuck fuck fuck els els—” you immediately rolled your eyes back, grabbing the bed sheets as hard as you could. You could feel your walls tightening around Ellie’s strap, close to coming down from your high. The strap kept jumping on and twitching on Ellie’s clit, enjoying the view and the feeling, you could listen to her huffs and groaning, just felt so right. “You’re close aren’t you my love?” Ellie smiled, adoring the way you looked on her strap, how close you were into relieving the stress and desperation of being actually noticed by Ellie. Not as your best friend, but as something else. And you could’ve sworn, that even if Ellie didn’t liked you back, you would prefer of being her fuck doll than just keeping your feelings hidden for much longer. “Fuck fuck fuck…..—!!” You moaned loudly, releasing your ecstasy and coming from your fuzzy high, cumming into Ellie’s strap as she pushed deeper, making sure her entire cunt felt your wet slick. “Yessss fuuuuck, jus’ like that, good girl.” She sighed as she softly rubbed your puffy clit. Softly pulling her strap away, you couldn’t help but to move your hips involuntarily to follow her strap. Feeling so empty and so needier.

“Els..” you couldn’t help but to sob. “What is it baby?” Ellie asked as she wiped your tears off, laying beside you as she gently grabbed your waist to pull you on her chest, cuddling you up to make you feel better. “Did you not like it?” She added as she kissed your cheek.

“I like you, I’ve liked you for so long els I… I wanna be with you, I want you to love me.” You whispered on her ear, too weak to yell, cry or to even do the minimum effort into confessing when you felt your heart beating so hard you felt you’d die right there.

“It’s okay, I like you too. But let’s talk about this later, you need to rest. WE need to rest.” She assured you, as she caressed your cheeks, placing your head on her chest as she gently rubbed your back, using her free hand to get her dinosaur blanket and cover both of you up.

[callabang]

okay i’ve now seen across the spiderverse twice and i think what it has to say about parenting is so INTERESTING and DIRECT

like there’s the immediate cold hard truth which we see with gwen and miles and even margo kess: a kid wants to confide in someone. as their parent, you can listen or they can find somebody else

[id: gwen and her dad. gwen: “the way to help right now is to listen to me”]

[id: miles, jeff, and rio. jeff: “what do you got to tell me so bad?”]

[id: margo kess: “here is...better”]

if you don’t want to listen, your kid will find other people who will. sometimes those people will have their best interests in mind

[id: hobie brown: “looking our for my drummer, is all”]

and sometimes they won’t.

and of course this isn’t all-or-nothing—sometimes the people they confide in will be bumbling but well meaning (peter b. parker), and obviously there’s lot of evidence in the movie that relationships can be salvaged and trust restored etc. but we also what happens when parents fail be a place of unconditional love understanding for their kids, which is is that they become really, really vulnerable

like we see how much it matters that rio talked to miles and understood him and gave him a chance, and that intervention is the pivotal key via which he is able to recognize a fucked up situation, stand up for himself, and get himself out of it and to a place of relative safety

and we also see that gwen, lacking that, gets totally and completely swept up in miguel’s mission until she’s doing things that go against her instincts and what she thinks is right

[id: gwen: “but my gut says—”

jess: “then use your head!”]

all for fear of losing whatever source of understanding and comfort she has

[id: gwen: “what if he sends me home?”]

anyway this is all a metaphor for queerness obviously. kiss kiss

[scoobysnakz]

Hard Luck

Chap iv

It’s hard finding love when your sole reason to live is your daughter, but when her best friends dad is annoyingly attractive and might have something to do with your rent randomly getting paid, who can blame you for being a little curious?

||* mostly fluff, Raya being an undiagnosed autistic child bc I'm plotting something evil, domestic Miguel if you squint, slightly pervy reader, mentions of oral reader receiving, reader being a silly fan-girl, cliff hanger bc why not.

Guilt. It's an overwhelming feeling that sits in the pit of his stomach in a way he's far too familiar with.

Miguel can name all the good and bad things about guilt. The way it allows you to be held accountable for your actions makes, your mind fray with culpability. How it can prevent someone- him- from doing something that will drive them- him- insane and remind them- him- that they have to have morals that keep them- him- grounded. Or else… or else.

There have been plenty of times Miguel has felt culpability and they have all been about something much more drastic than this. He's lost people, a family, so, so many versions of his family.

He needs to get this universe right. The thought of losing Gabi again makes his gut clench and that ticking in his jaw form again.

The first time it had happened, people had been upset for him, Peter had left him alone without being asked more than once and Jess was just the right amount of critical and loving. They were his guilt.

Then it happened again. And again. And again. And then people were becoming concerned for him, but the kind where they scolded and questioned him so he stopped telling people each time he found a universe he could live in. That first universe was the only one he destroyed he's made sure of that.

And yet he's feeling so intensely guilty for his stalker-like tendencies when he's done much worse.

He knows he shouldn't have followed you, waited for you to enter the shop and prayed to anyone above that your card would cancel. But he needed to get your number- for parental reasons of course. And now he has it.

“I can't do that again,” Miguel groans, hand sliding down his face as he slumps into his chair.

Lyla snickers at him, hands covering her face while her legs kick in the air. Miguel looks over at her, expression unamused.

“It was a complete betrayal of her trust,” his fingers drum on the smooth wood of his desk.

“Don’t think the two of you had a trusting relationship, considering you only just got her number.” her teasing earns her a wave of dismissal.

“I’m this close,” he holds his hand in the air, thumb and index finger millimetres away, “from replacing you.” His leg bounces up and down, jaw tightened and lips pursed.

She scoffs at him and waves a blurred-out finger at him before slumping down on his desk. “But if you replace me how will you watch your girlfriend?”

“You aren't funny. I was watching her because I needed… her daughter is Gabi’s friend I can't have her being some scumbag.” his tone is harsh, fed up, and irritated, but he can't bite back the grin that forms at her teasing.

“She isn't a scumbag…”

Lyla hums in feigned disagreement, her minute pixelated frame now perched on his shoulder as she smirks up at him.

“She’s nice… to me, and old people.”

He glances out the window, dark clouds threatening rain as they swarm the grey sky. He sighs and looks back over at Lyla. He came to this universe for Gabi.

But he can't stop himself from thinking back to the way you smelt. The faint coconut and the mellowness of your washing powder settled gently against his skin like a thin, taunting mist, teasing his stiffening cock.

He relishes the way you let him pull you near. How easily you submitted to the man who hasn't even had a proper conversation with you and pretended to be his partner- his wife. How you put up such a lazy fight against it that it felt almost playful. How your eyes softened the moment you saw him. How you allowed him to help you despite the embarrassment that followed it.

“When you’ve finished being hopeless lover boy,” Lyla chirps, “you might want to y’know be Spiderman.”

***

Miguel didn't expect his offer to go so well. He just assumed that being stuck with two nine-year-old girls for a few hours would be hell but it's surprisingly entertaining.

He knows Gabi inside and out, yet when she's with Raya she's different. And it doesn't feel forced.

The two of them spent ages trying to figure out a flavour because they obviously had to have the same one. They both ended up choosing chocolate, much to Miguel’s distaste. And then when Gabi wanted a sprinkle cone but Raya wanted a plain one they ended up getting tubs.

“It's because she's my best friend, papá,” Gabi had stated as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. Which had made him chuckle.

“How was school?” he asks, feeling a little left out of the conversation.

Raya’d attention is immediately diverted towards him, wide eyes following each movement of his face. “It was fun,” she says quietly- shyly, making sure to swallow before speaking. It’s good table manners

“Papá, we’re talking!” Gabi whines with a pout, “Raya doesn't want to tell you about her day because you're boring.”

So he sits there, practically spilling out of the tiny metal chair, watching them laugh at him and whatever else makes girls their age giggle the way they are. He keeps a smile on his face and his phone on vibrate, waiting for you to reply to his text, or read it at least.

***

Your back arches with ecstasy, hips jolting upwards towards the source of your pleasure. You can feel your gummy walls clenching and when you look down to see what it is that's sliding inside your cunt, you’re met with the sight of the top of someone's head.

Thick, brown curls, all unfurled as you slide your fingers away. They look familiar in a way that makes you feel giddy.

Desperate to see who’s providing this bliss, you push their head away. You’re left with an achy, empty feeling as they pull their fingers out of you and drag their tongue off your puffy folds but you'll have to push past it. Maybe whine a little, but you'll manage.

You look down, brain too fuzzy with arousal to even process Miguel’s deep, chocolatey eyes gazing up at you. He's smiling boyishly, fangs poking over the tops of his perfectly formed, lips that are coated in a deliciously thick layer of your arousal.

“Can I keep going, Hermosa?” his velvety voice rumbles, sending chills down your spine.

Before you get a chance to beg for more than his skilled fingers and soft tongue, the sound of a traumatic radar sound blares and you’re forced awake.

You lie there for a moment, one hand lazily slung across your forehead while the other grips your mouth.

You can't tell if it's guilt or arousal but you can't think straight. All you know is that you just had a painfully realistic dream of a man you barely know eating you out. Part of you wishes it lasted longer but that's beside the point.

There's an uncomfortable slickness between your thighs and you're slightly tempted to do something about it but the constant ringing of your alarm reminds you that you do, in fact, have some form of common sense.

Ignoring the guilt that's swimming in your gut, you sit upright, legs dangling over the edge of the sofa. You sit there for a moment, trying to figure out if you should be feeling that guilt or if it's your brain’s fault. You settle for the latter.

Yawning, you pick up your phone, scanning for notifications you know aren't there. A few from the weather app, another from a period tracking app that says your ovulating (that explains the dream- hopefully) and then… a text from Miguel.

It's one of those texts that you don't know how to reply to, it's got a simple answer but that's rude and all of the emojis are far too informal for someone you have saved as ‘Gabi’s dad’

You stare at Miguel’s text. Let the letter jumble up and scramble into unintelligible blobs as your eyes start to sting with tears before you allow yourself to blink.

I’ve got the girls. Could you text me your address so I can drop Raya off later?

He’s got the girls and now he wants your address. That's the part that makes it so hard to reply.

You don't live in the nicest of areas, graffiti in the stairwell that you have to use because the lift stinks of piss, loud neighbours and a possibly dead cat stuffed into one of the bins at the entrance.

It's embarrassing.

Miguel’s a tailored man, with slicked-back hair and freshly ironed clothes. You contemplated lying about your address, tell him it's some random house, meet him outside before quickly running off with Raya to get the bus.

But you don't want her growing up ashamed of not having money. You can't have her becoming a pompous brat who whines about not getting things. Because that's not who is she now, nor will she ever be.

You tap the smooth glass of your phone screen over and over again with your thumb before forcing yourself to reply. And almost immediately you get a reply

‘👍’

You can't stop the smile that forms on your lips at how fast his response is, he was probably on his phone or coincidentally looking checking his notifications when you sent the text.

But now you have nothing to do. You couldn't pick up an extra shift because- thanks to your stupidity- you somehow forgot that you can't randomly change your hours as a carer. And apparently, you can't even sleep without being a pervert.

Sleep sounds nice though. Your eyes are heavy with countless nights of single-digited hours of sleep. It's pulling at your brain in a way that makes your thoughts fuzzy and your body slowly sinks back into the sofa again.

A loud thudding noise startles you from your sleep. It's repetitive and loud so your first instinct is to slam off your alarm but when you see a blank screen you divert your fatigued brain to the front door.

Completely forgetting about Raya being out with Miguel and Gabi, you pull the door open. You look a mess, mascara smudged and eyes heavier than the weights he probably lifts with those delicious arms…

“Mum,” Raya mumbles, her face buried in her chest as pulls you close.

You stumble back, fighting back a yawn, and nearly fall onto the sofa but Raya pulls you forward. “Hey, baby,” you smile down at her, laughing awkwardly at nearly making a complete fool of yourself.

You drag your gaze up to Miguel, his board shoulders filling out the doorway while his hand clutches onto Gabi’s.

“Miguel,” your voice is groggy but cute and it makes him feel safe on the inside, “Thank you for having her.” You go to playfully nudge Raya but she's no longer next to you, now shyly hidden behind you, clutching into your shirt.

“She has beautiful manners,” his voice is like velvet that's been melted by a log fire and poured on top of Valentine's chocolates.

He looks down at you, eyes briefly tearing away from you to discreetly inspect your apartment. It's cute, homely, you. Lots of blankets and cushions, picture frames dotted around, and a random coat stand that stands bare.

“Would you like to come in?” you offer, attempting to stifle another yawn, failing to succeed as pleasantly the last time.

Miguel opens his mouth, pretty lips parted so perfectly that your half-awake brain might just fall for him on the spot.

“Please, papá! Raya said she has a bunch of teddies!” Gabi pleads, her accent bearing a striking resemblance to Miguel’s.

Before he gets a chance to decline, she pushes past him and skips over to Raya. She grabs her hand and almost immediately her awkwardness melts away as they run into her room.

“Sorry, she's really-”

“Bold?” you offer, head cocked to the side.

“Yeah... Let's go with that version.”

The two of you share an awkwardly dry chuckle before you both look away.

“Coffee?” you break the silence.

“Would be nice,” he finishes for you.

Nervously, you lead him to your minute kitchen island, kicking random toys out of the way before he gets a chance to see them.

As he walks through your apartment, your home, Miguel can't help but feel at ease. It's messy but not in an unhygienic way, you can just tell it's lived in happily.

The waterrings on the countertops, a random bag of bouncy balls left on the floor for someone to trip on. Miguel can imagine himself here, not living, but staying.

Maybe his shoes lazily kicked off in a slobbish pile on the sofa, Gabi’s coat slung on the unused coat rack next to Raya’s and yours.

“Sorry it's a mess, I was going to tidy up but I got… sidetracked. But I promise it's not normally this messy, just today. Which is strangely coincidental but it really isn't. And-”

“It's nice in here,” he cuts you off as if he couldn't hear what you'd just said.

His small slither of praise makes you smile. That toothrottingly sweet smile that makes every fibre of his being burn with arousal.

“Thanks.”

You turn your back to him, searching for your coffee before you grab a small glass jar that has instant coffee in it.

“Fuck,” you grumble, “its empty. So… no coffee for us,” you laugh.

He shrugs his shoulders and takes the jar from you.

“Bin?” he asks.

“There,” you point, “left side is recyclable and right is the other stuff.”

He opens the bin and drops the jar, smiling in satisfaction as it lands with a soft third. He lifts his foot from the pedal before catching a glimpse of red. Curious, he presses down on the pedal again and reads the block writing.

EVICTION NOTICE

[the-cat-and-the-birdie]

Hello!! I love your blog so much!

I wanted to ask you for whenever you get a chance, why do you think Hobie doesn't like Peter B? Do you think he knew about Peter B's relationship to Miles since before The Spider Society was created and was disappointed with him not defending Miles somehow? Or something else? I find it hella interesting that Hobie DID only have something to say about Peter B but not Miguel despite everything happening in that scene.

Thank you! 💖 Absolutely.

I feel like Hobie without a doubt knows everything about what happened. And he dislikes Peter B. because unlike Gwen - he doesn't have an excuse. And she does.

And that's why

Peter B. Parker is far more toxic of a person and a mentor to Gwen than Jess could EVER be. a.k.a Peter's influence on Gwen, his trust of Miguel, and 'Why was Jessica Gwen's mentor to begin with?'

[An analysis where I yell about the fact that Peter B. left Gwen homeless instead of opening his house to her. And how he didn't step up to be her mentor. And why Hobie Brown should hit him with a guitar.]

Am I saying that Jessica Drew is basically innocent. I might be. _____________________________________________

Peter B. Parker joined the society before Gwen, because we see him with Miguel when his daughter dies. Let's keep that in mind.

Gwen is adopted into the society as an emergency recruit - based solely on the fact that she's homeless. Had her father not shot at her, Miguel and Jess probably would've left her there with him, and she wouldn't have joined.

So, Gwen joined specifically to escape homelessness. She didn't know they didn't know about the Spider-verse and the Society's distaste for Miles until later.

Imagining what that must've been like for Gwen is wild.

I bet she was delighted to see Peter B. I bet her first thought was "Where's Miles? Peni's here, you're here, I'm here, Where's Miles?"

Peter and Miguel probably had to be the ones to tell her why Miles wasn't there. Peter probably had to help Miguel convince Gwen, otherwise, how else would get her SO on board? Who is she gonna believe more, Jess telling her Miles is a mistake -

or Peter telling Gwen Miles is a mistake?

And I imagine she'd be looking at Peter like '??? What do mean????? You know Miles, this Miguel dude doesn't. Peter wtf????'

Peter was probably a HUGE influence on Gwen staying in the society and accepting their propaganda around Miles. He was the only adult she knew in a strange futuristic society. Peter was probably smiling and happy to see her, and because she trusted him and he trusted Miguel - that probably fed into Gwen trusting Miguel.

So, One reason I think Hobie hates him is his loyalty to Miguel and that influence on Gwen.

Secondly, I think it's also that Hobie knows everything that has happened from beginning to end.

Hobie's first line to Miles - "This the yungun-" implies that Gwen has told him about Miles. And I'm assuming that also includes their first meeting - as well as the other Spider-people.

Gwen met Miles and Peter at the same time, and in telling Hobie this - he learns a lot about Peter B he didn't know before. Hobie met Peter B. through Miguel. Whether he knew Peter knew Miles personally before Gwen and told him - we don't know. But he knew Peter through the Society. And Gwen came later.

Before - Peter was probably just an annoying dad at HQ. But now, Hobie suddenly had context about him. Coming from someone he cares about - Gwen. Not only do Gwen and Peter know each other - but Peter ALSO knows Miles (the Original Anomoly on Campus) and he's not sticking up for EITHER of them?

I feel like as soon as Gwen told him about Peter knowing Miles - Hobie would hate his guts.

From Hobie's POV:

Gwen has an excuse. She didn't know about Miles until after she joined, she can't leave or else she'll be homeless, and the ONE adult she knows is completely 100% in Miguel's pocket.

I feel like Peter B. is soo much more dangerous and influential to Gwen than Jessica could ever be.

And the fact that he had months to step up and mentor her but just..didn't. That speaks volumes.

Sure, Gwen admires Jess. But Gwen knows Peter, she trusts him to be a person to fight for good, because they'd done it together before. She's scared, she's alone, and she's found one person she trusts. And he says to trust Miguel.

That would absolutely be more powerful than anything Jessica could possibly do or say in my opinion.

I feel like that's something that the fandom just ignores. Peter is there, all the time. Anytime Jess is pressuring Gwen - shouldn't he be the one to watch out for her?

But when he's yelling and throwing things at Gwen it's "Aww chill out Miguel - hold my baby, you're so uptight."

Dude. Defend her.

You can't tell me "Peter didn't know that Miguel yells at kids-" OH? So where was he when Miguel and Jessica where probably disciplining her for months. Gwen walks in expecting to be yelled at, so it's not like its a rare thing.

Peter knows Miguel yells at Gwen.

PETER LITERALLY COUL'DVE JUST HAD GWEN MOVE IN WITH HIM!!!! HE HAS A HOUSE!!!!!

But instead he let her be HOMELESS, and sleep at Hobie's house.

That's. Not okay. Peter entirely in the wrong on so many levels that Jessica isn't even in the picture anymore.

I think Hobie would HATE Peter's guts. Because he has had every chance to call Miguel out, to protect Gwen, to look out for her - hell, why isn't HE her official mentor? Why isn't he the one asking her for mission reports. Instead of passing it off to the pregnant black women she's known for less than six months?

Everyone is like "Oh, Jess is so mean. She treats Gwen so mean-"

She's doing her job. That's what she sees it as. If Gwen wanted comfort from an adult - she should have Peter there for her.

But he wasn't. He expected Jessica to do that for some reason. A pregnant woman who Gwen just met.

He could've housed her. But he didn't do that. He expected Hobie to do that.

Peter saw Gwen come in homeless, scared, and depressed. And what did he do - he didn't try to help her. He hold her to trust Miguel. An adult.

And then he walks around like father of the year with Mayday - when he can't even step up for Gwen OR Miles? Couldn't even offered her a bed, or actually tell Miguel to not raise his voice at a teenager.

He didn't. But hold the baby.

I'm surprised that Hobie ain't approach Peter like - "Gwen HAS to be here, you don't. Jess and Miguel don't know Miles. YOU DO. Why shouldn't I hit you with the guitar right now? Answer quickly."

You already know Hobie don't play that. He's being nice for Gwen's sake.

'Humbling Reality Spider-man' Indeed.

[jams-sims]

Anyway- Mouthwashing OC TIME!

Jessica (Jess for short) Townley is a young african american woman about 23, who is assigned on the Tuplar as her first mission and assement of the last man'd shipping crew. She is told before she is assigned Tuplar that the crew will be let go. Jessica advocates that if they (the company) want to avoid a big lawsuit after the crew lands, that they (pony express) should provide them (the crew) with a settlement/severance pay. Pony Express agrees only, if she joins the crew on their last shipment to do advanced psychological assessment of the crew.

Jessica is a young upstart psychologist who come from a long line of doctors. This is the company's way of saying fuck you, enjoy space for 8 months. But this also allows her to put her skills to use and when she gets lands back on earth. This will provide an amazing add, to her resume and scholarly paper. (This also allow Anya to do her work as a nurse.)

Jessica expects to be the only young person on the ship which would make for a long and boring first voyage and that's when meets Diasuke. She meets the entire crew and a little bit of guilt settles in her stomach, when she realizes she knows everyone is going to be laid off but they will be getting paid after so it lessen as she talks and have meeting with everyone.

Jessica shares an offices with Anya an they grow close. Her and Diasuke have this akward flirting going on. It drive swansea up the fucking wall and more than once has he shoed both or jessica out of the engineering room. Swansea can be qouted saying to Daisuke "piss or get off the pot kid".

She meets Curly and while she thinks hes nice. She also think he is under a lot of stress that he refuses to confront. She meets Jimmy and instantly he makes her uncomfortable, he makes several comments about her and Diasuke which is nothing but friendship and maybe some awkward flirting.

After a couple of months during a meeting with Curly. Curly bring up the fact it weird that Pony express would just NOW assign an actual therapist onborad. "Was there something wrong with our evals last time." Jessica is able to lie for a while, but soon caves and she is the first to tell Curly that their entire team will be layed off after this shipment. Curly is in disbelif, until a month later he gets the letter. Jessica urges him, practically beg him not to tell the crew. This is coming off the heels of find out what happened with Anya and Jimmy.

"The reason they fire people on a firday is to avoid them come back in and shooting up the place. This is the same situation, you don't shit where you eat Curly."-Jess.

Curly of course does not listen, and during his would be birthday party. She tires to stop Curly when Jimmy presses him. But of course Curly says some shit and then the tragedy unfolds.

During the worse of it, Jessica and Anya take up residences in the medical room. Although she trust Diasuke anf Swansea, Jimmy put her on edge and to protect Anya and herself. She urges Anya to try and stay in rooms that lock with Curly. Jessica gives Curly his meds but a few times, she trying to keep the crew together mental wise.

Bad End

Swansea tells her their is only one working cryopod. She urges, Swansea to try and get the others uncovered.

When the new medication comes into play. Jessica is in the room with Anya, when she locks the door. Between Daisuke behind the door and Jessica in person try to talk Anya down. Until they leave the door and Jessica realizes Anya had been taken the pills, it was just a mistake Jessica ended up in the room with her. As Anya is dying Jessica tries to resuscitate her only here knocking coming from the broken vent that is when she has to shift her focus to the screaming Diasuke. Anya dies and she unlocks the door to try and get help from swansea only to realize he is just waking up from the floor.

Her demise is when she is accidentally shot when Swansea and Jimmy fight over the gun. It is a gut shot that means, she slowly bleeds out listening to Swansea final words amd watches as Jimmy shot him in the head.

Jessica doesnt have any final words for Jimmy because Swansea already said it. "Fuck you Jimmy."

[writeandsurvive]

Request by @parkersbunny76 : Hey do you think you could do a aldan Parker fix where y/n in love with Parker but doesn’t want him to know. Because she believes he is still in love with his ex joy But he also feels the same way but thinks she doesn’t feel the same and and Parker figures it out and confronts reader and has to prove his feelings? Thanks so much

Author's note: this turns out longer than I had planned, and I really hope it did it justice 🥺 (yes, always doubting myself)

Warnings: age gap, mutual pining, girls night out, jealousy, ncis stuff

Believe Me ~ Alden Parker

If you were set on not telling Alden about your feelings for him, after hearing about his first love Joy, you were even more convinced. There was no point in telling him, you'd just make a fool of yourself. Gibbs taught you a lot of things; trusting your guts was the most important. And now, your guts were telling you that Alden Parker was still in love with his ex-girlfriend and had zero interest in you.

Despite Jess and Kasie telling you otherwise, saying that the man was completely smitten, you kept your mouth shut and even took some distance from your team leader. You missed him, and it hurt but you needed to protect your heart - wasn't it too late though?

Before knowing about Joy, you'd hang out with Alden outside of work. You two would go out for drinks, watch games together, talk about music. He even showed you his piano skills and that was when you knew how deeply in love you were with him. You almost leaned in to kiss him then, and it looked like he was leaning to, but before you knew it, he was standing up and asking you if you wanted another drink.

Now, you weren't turning down all of his invites, using work or family obligations. However, Jess told you that he was questioning it. He had asked her if something was wrong with you, if he had done something to upset you. A part of you felt bad, you didn't want him overthinking, but most importantly, you didn't want him to get suspicious. After all, he's an investigator too, he could easily figure it out.

So after some mental preparation, you agreed to grab a drink with him after all. Technically, the whole was invited at first, but Tim had to go to his family, Jimmy and Jess were spending the evening with Victoria, Nick is still recovering with his alcohol issues and can't be in a bar for now. That left Kasie, who somehow had "something" to do - her wink at you wasn't subtle.

If you only had a drink or two, it'd be okay. Too much alcohol would get you to be very honest, and you'd probably spill out everything. You ordered a glass of wine, while Alden went with a beer. It started alright, a bit awkward, but he was doing a good job at making small talk, and avoiding the elephant in the room. You did your best to keep a friendly facade, and not think about how bad you loved and wanted him, or how bad you wanted to ask him about Joy.

But you did have an answer without asking. Alden excused himself when he felt his phone buzzing, and he took it out of his pocket. Sitting on his left, you had a clear view on his screen. You didn't want to look at it, you tried not to but your eyes laid on it and it was the confirmation you needed. Joy was texting him, asking if he'd stop by. He simply answered that he wouldn't, and would talk to her later.

You went to the bathroom, letting the tears that had been threatening. You needed to leave immediately; find whatever pretext, and rush over to Kasie's. You felt so stupid for crying over this man, nothing ever happened with him. It wasn't like he was betraying you but it felt like it.

You were insanely jealous of this woman.

Once you were sure it didn't look like you cried, you got back to Alden and told him you were tired and wanted to go home. He offered to walk you back to the car, but you refused. "It's not like I'm going to stick around." He finished his beer and grabbed his coat. "Let's go."

Luckily the cars were fairly close, so the walk wasn't long. It was very awkward though, Alden wanted to make sure you'd eat, so he offered if you wanted to stop at the food joint across the street. "I got food at home. I'm sure it's not too late for you to go to Joy's."

"I-I'm not--" you didn't want to hear any explanations or excuses, so you quickly got into your car and left.

You knew you were being unfair to him, he didn't deserve this but you couldn't help it. Spending the night at Kasie's, you cried some more and felt sorry for yourself. Thank god, she's your best friend.

Alden was getting tired of this. At first, he didn't understand what was going on, why you were shutting him out like this. He asked every member of the team, and it was obvious that they were holding back. They knew why you were acting like this, but they didn't want to betray you. The most infuriating was that he was so in love with you, it hurt to feel rejected. Especially after all those moments together, which meant a lot to Alden. He remembered that time he played piano for you, something he's never done with anyone before. He wanted to kiss you, and do more things. But he was scared. Scared of being rejected, that you'd want just something physical, scared of getting his heart broken again. You were younger, and he felt like you'd waste your time with an old man like him.

After that comment you made about Joy, Alden started to think that maybe you had actual feelings for him. It totally sounded like jealousy and it'd be the only explanation. But he couldn't quite believe it. In his mind, a pretty young woman like you would never fall in love with an old man like him.

But you weren't like any other woman.

You and Kasie have had a traditional girls night out at least every other week and Jess quickly took a part of those nights after she joined the team. Ever since it became common knowledge, Jimmy had been trying to get in, at least once. You always turned him down, it became kind of a running gag. Now that Jimmy was dating Jess, she was on his side and tried to convince you and Kasie to let him in.

Eventually, you caved in. "I love you, I love you, I love you." Jimmy shouted, running over to you and kissing your face. You laughed, trying to get out of his grip - technically you could but didn't want to hurt sweet Palmer.

"What's going on here?" Nick asked for everyone.

"I am officially welcomed in girls night out."

"Just tonight." You pointed.

"After four years, you finally made it!" Tim laughed.

"I arranged everything. Vic is staying at her friend's house, and we're all sleeping at my place."

"We are?"

"Yup. Let's get crazy!"

Accepting him created a monster.

~

Alden's plan formed shortly after Jimmy left the bullpen. Later in the day, he went down to autopsy with a coffee and a pastry. "Oh, what's that for?" Jimmy welcomed the treat with a smile.

"A bribery."

"At least, you're honest. What can I do for you?"

"Where are you guys going tonight?"

Jimmy stayed silent for a moment, trying to figure out why Alden was asking this. "I need to have a talk with her, Jimmy. And she's avoiding me."

"And you think she'll talk after you crash the girls night out?"

"I could be where you guys are. Simple coincidence." Jimmy immediately gave him a glare, but Alden brushed it off. "And you convince them to let me hang out with you."

"Parker, it took me four years to convince them to let me go out with them just once."

"Ah come on. Help me out here."

"Only if you are honest with me."

"Shoot."

"Do you have serious feelings for her?"

Alden didn't even need to say a word, his face and eyes spoke for themselves.

A night out with your friends was exactly what you needed. Drinking, dancing, laughing and forgetting about Alden. You decided to wear a sexy black dress with some boots. You did your makeup and hair more nicely than you usually do. You didn't want to hook up with a random guy, but it'd be nice to flirt and dance with one.

It started out great, you were on your second drink while everyone was finishing their first. They all were making a point of not talking about him, or even about work. You noticed a cute guy looking several times at you and smiling. You smiled back, because why not?

"Oh dear god." Jess said, looking over your shoulder.

Puzzled, you turned around to see him. Alden Parker was there and walked right to the table. "Hey guys!"

You were staring at his beautiful face, with the urge of kissing him and screaming at him for being there and ruining your night. Your Alden free night.

"Parker, what are you doing here?" Kasie asked.

"Can I join?" He avoided her question and he was already sitting next to you.

You were ready to get out of here when your eyes dropped on Jimmy, who looked very guilty. "You dickhead!" You shouted at him.

"Told you." He said to Alden before looking at you. "Look I'm sorry--"

"Forget it." You stood up and rushed over to the bar. Waiting for the bartender to spot you, the man who had been smiling at you stood by your right.

"Hello there." He said with the most charming British accent. Screw Alden. You smiled at the man.

"Hi."

"I was waiting for the moment you'd finally be alone. Not to be creepy, I just didn't want to make a fool of myself in front of your friends." He laughed, "Can I offer you a drink?"

"Sure. Don't worry, you're not making a fool of yourself."

"Good, can I keep you to myself for a few minutes then?"

"Absolutely. I'm sure you can save my night."

You don't know how long you stayed with this man, just talking and getting to know each other. Going back to the table where Alden was didn't sound appealing at all. But of course, he eventually found his way to you.

"I'm busy, Parker." You said before he could speak a word. So instead of talking, he simply grabbed your hand and made you follow him outside. "What the fuck!"

He stood on the sidewalk, crossed arms and was clearly angry. "I'm done playing this game, Y/N. We talk now, once and for all. And if you want to go to your boy toy, I promise I won't hold you back."

"What game are you talking about?"

"You avoiding me like the plague ever since you learned about Joy." You immediately looked down at your feet, but Alden held your chin and made you look back up. "I don't know what you created in your mind, but I'm not seeing her. And I won't. I already got someone who made herself very comfortable in my mind and my heart."

"Who?" You shyly asked, not believing what he was saying.

"Who?" He sarcastically laughed. "You, for god sakes! It's been you ever since I walked into that damn building. And being turned down, even as a friend, hurts pretty bad. Cause I want you in my life, whatever way you want. But I got a feeling that's what you want too cause why else would you be jealous?"

"Who said I was jealous?"

"Well, aren't you?" You started to look down again but Alden immediately caught your chin and took a step closer. "Don't break eye contact with me, sweetheart. Talk to me, tell me if I'm completely off based here --"

"You're not!" You breathed out and a single tear left your eye. "You're right. I was-- I am jealous. Because you clearly still love her and--"

"I don't. Why are you so sure about that?"

"My guts. And the texts last week."

"I admit she--would like to give me and her a chance, but I'm not interested. I told her so." He brushed the tear off the corner of your mouth, his thumb roaming over your lips. "I want you." He whispered.

You wrapped your arms over his neck, nose brushing against each other and lips dangerously close together. "I want to believe you, but-"

Alden caved in. He couldn't be so close to you and not kiss you, know the taste of your lips. It was extremely gentle and slow, clearly giving you time to pull away if you wanted, but you couldn't. You simply closed your eyes and opened your mouth to grant him access.

Unfortunately, he pulled away when he felt eyes on the two of you. Jimmy immediately got back inside when he got caught, but his grin didn't go unnoticed. "Let me take you on a date and make you believe me."

"No. I'll go on a date with you once I believe you."

Alden agreed and he started that same night. After going back inside, where everyone already knew about the kiss but didn't say a word, he didn't leave your side. Flirted with you the rest of the night, inviting you to dance even if he was self conscious about his dancing skills. He looked several times to the man you had been talking to, making sure he knew you were not available.

He drove you home, and helped you to the apartment as you were quite drunk. You were very touchy with him, and he loved every second of it but still acted like a true gentleman. When you woke up, your phone was plugged in, there was some aspirin and a glass of water with a note stuck to it on the nightstand. The note read: "I'll stop by around 10 with breakfast. Hope you slept well. -A"

He obviously did as he said; bringing all your favorite things for your favorite place at 10 exactly. He left right away, saying that he had to visit his dad like every Sunday, but not before repeating what he said a few hours ago. He even went further and admitted he had true and deep feelings for you.

Following that, Alden did at least one thing for you every day to prove his point. Offering you a single red rose, setting up a plant at your desk, bringing your fav pastries, telling you how beautiful and smart you were, he was even praising you in front of the team.

But the most meaningful thing to you was the one he didn't plan or think of. While working on a new case, he offered himself on a silver platter to the suspect, in order to save you. It didn't work at first as the man noticed how much Alden cared for you. "You're right, man. This woman does mean the world to me, so much that I'm willing to die for her. But I'm also willing to do anything to finally have my first date with her, which means that whatever you need, I'll give it to you so we can both get out of here alive. I'm not sure she'd do the same for me, so it'd be more beneficial for you to take me and let her go."

You wanted to kiss him here and there, beg him to take you on a date, despite the gun pressing your temple. "I'm older, I worked for the FBI before, so I know a lot more people than her who can help. But let me be clear, if you kill her- you won't get anything from me, except for a bullet in your head. But you don't want to die, otherwise we wouldn't be in this situation. So, what's going to be?"

Somehow, Alden's trick worked. "I love you." He mouthed as he followed the suspect instructions and got away from you.

The following hours were a nightmare, you were more than scared about never seeing his pretty face again, and not having the opportunity to tell him exactly how you felt, and have more time with the man you love.

When you saw him again, unarmed, you rushed into his arms and didn't think twice. "I love you too."

[alicepao13]

Hudson and Rex S02E03 - Blind Justice

Somehow longer than the previous one. It's because of the dumbassery.

That one is... something. For starters, it is the first indication that Charlie will fall prey to manipulation by a romantic interest. Which was why I wasn't that surprised when Eva tried to play him and it worked.

The shelter! And Alan Doyle is here! Why did they never get him to sing us something smh

You don't say. I think Hudson and Rex should end with Charlie adopting a second dog, this time along with Sarah. No, Rex won't die. That dog is immortal, it's actually canon because 10 seasons of German show cases + 8 seasons of Italian show cases = way too many years for a dog to be alive. And Rex would actually be the one to have the final say in the choice of the dog.

Puppy love.

That shot that goes from Rex's paws down the floorboards ending up in the dust that he sniffed out is so cool. Felipe Rodriguez is probably my favorite director in this show.

Charlie: "I think we all know what [the powder] is gonna be". Cue to Joe in the next scene: "Truffles". lmao

More foot-in-mouth as Charlie says (in front of the entire Major Crimes, I might add) his opinion about Leah. Not a good look, by the way. For me, after that exchange it would make more sense if those two had some history aside from, "I know her from the academy". Also, you two were in the academy together? Yeah, right. Sidenote: I recently saw the actress who plays Leah in a few FBI episodes. Did not recognize her at all, as she had short blonde hair. Jarring.

I knew Leah was bad from the start, by the way. In a roundabout way, Charlie wasn't wrong to initially distrust her, he just never had a good reason. She got his gut sidetracked with her "feminine wiles" lol

Charlie actually exhibits some very moronic and insecure behavior in this episode. He is written as a lone wolf who doesn't work well with others, while we know that's not the case because later he will work fine with other officers and agents. In any case, he has not tried to directly antagonize any of them without reason but he does in this episode. The way they talk with Leah does suggest that they have more of a history together but it's not explained anywhere. And then he's like "who thinks me and Rex should go talk to Biggs without you" and he and Rex raise hands/paws and they actually go! So childish.

No, you are, doofus.

Oh thank god. Sarah, save him. Save your himbo future boyfriend.

Jesse: "Keyzer Soze". I'm glad I actually watched this movie (The Usual Suspects) a while back because every single crime show will do at least one episode where they reference him.

How dare you lock Rex in a container?

Once again, how do they get Diesel to make these genuinely distressed noises? Like, this is so good.

Charlie thinks that Leah saved his life and I'm grumbling lol. Or I was when I watched it the first time. Now I'm like, "Oh Charlie, you beautiful himbo."

That's because Rex is the one with the actual instinct.

Here's a part of actual backstory that Charlie tells and I've forgotten. A teenage girl had died in his arms after getting shot.

I love that Sarah is trying to do her normal banter/flirt/non-colleague chat with Charlie and then as soon as she sees he has Leah with him, she falters.

Rex: So you go from the barista with the awful coconut smell to a literal criminal? Not on my watch.

"There's no reason to be jealous". Oh, you haven't seen jealousy, dude. You have a perfectly non-jealous but protective and intelligent Rex. Trust me, you're probably the only one in the franchise with that privilege.

Oh, buddy, I get you.

No, I just cringed my life. I'll be fine.

"She's my work mistress, you're my work wife". Women love to hear that, Charlie. But okay. Flirt. From the way Sarah responds, she's into it. I'd still want a word with the male man who wrote those lines, though.

Jesse is acting like the comedic relief in the entire episode.

I like that Charlie is watching as Rex is being affectionate with Biggs. He's like, what the fuck, Rex shouldn't like this guy. Is my dog broken?

You mean, the way it doesn't and you can do whatever you want with him? Unnecessarily mean? Maybe. But at this point, Charlie needed some real help connecting the dots while he's usually faster to do so. She fried his brain. Or rather, she redirected his blood flow somewhere lower than his brain. By that point, I'd wanted him to get laid because he would see things clearer afterwards.

Men. Also, she totally took her jacket off on purpose.

I actually do feel bad for Charlie. I mean, he was divorced, trying to get back on to dating and then, to start liking a fellow law enforcement officer who turns out to be a crooked... Shitty luck.

Don't you do the tongue thing, sir. She already left you.

You know it's a bad sign when your date climbs out of your bathroom window.

Rain scenes are probably a nightmare to shoot but this scene did need that kind of rainy, foggy atmosphere.

I've been wanting a Charah scene where Sarah is waking up from whatever injury and Charlie is there for ages. Curse upon whomever thought that Sarah had to get severely injured hundreds of miles (I don't know Canadian geography) away from Charlie in S5.

Getting chewed out by the bossman. Deserved.

Oof, suspended. (I'm pretending I didn't know that.) And he goes by the shelter again.

More bad news. Rex's girlfriend Bella is going to the pound. Can no one be happy?

Yeah, actually. You think you've solved the case and there are ten minutes left in the episode.

Okay, now your flirting is coming between your work. Sarah should not be hesitating to talk to Charlie about Leah pulling off the GSR test just because he might think that she's jealous of Leah.

We're back to being a comedy.

Nice trick making us think that because of Leah's text pretending to be Joe, Charlie never actually managed to contact Joe before meeting Leah and therefore was without backup.

If my dog had managed to sniff out a traitor like that, I'd never ever doubt him again.

Dude, how many extras did they get?

And closing with Biggs adopting Bella. Cute.

I actually maxed the image limit on this post and had to delete some screenshots lol. I had a lot to say, okay?

I also feel the need to explain that just because I think someone acts like a dumbass it doesn't mean I hate them. It feels like a thing that we have to explain nowadays. I don't know.

[tealmisthams]

Are you still doing Mistletoe Drabbles? If so, can I request Fives/Ahsoka with No. 14, “Set Up?” I think it would be hilarious for them to be set up by the 501st! 😁 Especially his closest brothers. 💙🧡

Thanks so much for the request! I'll be honest, even if I wasn't still doing these drabbles, I doubt I'd turn down another chance to write Fivesoka. 😁 I think this one ended up a bit more sweet than hilarious, but I hope you like it! 💙

It's also here on AO3.

--

“I don’t like where this is going,” Fives grumbled, as soon as he spotted the mistletoe hanging in the corner of Torrent’s rec room.

“It’s for your own good, vod,” Echo insisted, from beside him.

Fives loved his twin, he really did, and Echo was the only person he told everything to. But suddenly he was strongly regretting confiding in his closest brother about his feelings for their commander.

Ahsoka had left the Jedi Order and the GAR for a few months after being framed for murder; no one could blame her. Most of the 501st were convinced they would never see her again, but one day she miraculously returned. That was when it started. 

Fives had returned from an ARC mission to discover that Ahsoka was his commander again, except this wasn’t the reckless teenager he remembered. Somehow, over the past several months—or maybe longer and he was just now noticing—she’d become the most beautiful, capable woman he’d ever encountered.

Ever since, Fives had been helpless not to stare at her when she entered a room or go out of his way to put a smile on her face at every opportunity. Just hearing her soothing voice and looking into her tranquil blue eyes set his mind and heart at peace in a way he’d never experienced before.

He could never tell her how he felt, of course. Even though he only worked with the 501st on occasion, she was still technically his commanding officer and she was a Jedi, so she wasn’t meant to form attachments. The biggest reason though was that he was certain she’d never feel the same way. Echo hadn’t agreed.

“Have you seen the way she looks at you or has love blinded you that much?” his twin had asked.

“What are you talking about?” Fives genuinely had no clue.

“Sometimes I wonder how you ever made it to ARC,” Echo said, pressing his palm against his forehead. “You seriously haven’t noticed that she always sits next to you whenever possible and laughs at everything you say, even if it’s really stupid?”

“I never say anything stupid,” Fives protested, but his twin ignored him.

“She also talks to you more than the rest of us. Oh and the biggest one. Whenever we’re in the gym, she pretty much just watches you the whole time.”

“She does?”

“Yes, you di’kut!”

Fives couldn’t help the doubt that continued to nag at his gut. Maybe Echo was right; he did make some good points. But there were other reasons why he and Ahsoka couldn’t be together. Maybe it was easier to just tell himself that she couldn't see him that way.

But of course, Life Day was tomorrow and now Echo was leading Fives over to the corner of the rec room to where someone had hung mistletoe from the ceiling. Fives already had a pretty good idea of what his twin’s plan was.

“Echo, wait.” He stopped walking before they reached the corner and his brother turned to face him. “I know what you’re trying to do, but if it doesn’t work out, it’s going to create a lot of unnecessary problems.”

“It won’t, vod.” Echo placed a hand on Fives’ shoulder. “Do you trust me?”

Fives sighed. “I guess,” he grunted unenthusiastically.

“Okay, good. Now maybe get that sour look off your face before she gets here.”

Fives opened his mouth to protest, but froze when an angelic voice sounded behind him.

“Jesse, what’s going on?” Ahsoka was asking.

“You’ll see, Commander,” the lieutenant answered vaguely.

“If this is another one of the pranks you guys always pull…” Skepticism had entered the commander’s voice now.

Fives was still listening to their conversation and barely noticed Echo putting a hand on his shoulder and guiding him the rest of the way to the corner of the room. Fives turned around now and saw Jesse leading Ahsoka across the rec room. The commander spotted the two ARCs and her blue eyes seemed to light up when they met Fives’ gaze.

“Hey, guys,” Ahsoka greeted, as she and Jesse joined the twins in the corner of the rec room. “What’s going on?” 

She was speaking to the whole group, but Fives couldn’t help but notice the way her gaze was fixated on him specifically. Maybe Echo really did have a point.

“We just thought,” Echo began, exchanging a glance with Jesse, “that now would be a good time for you two to talk.”

“Or kiss,” Jesse chimed in.

“Wait, what?” Ahsoka’s mouth dropped open.

“Life Day tradition states that if two people are under the mistletoe together, they have to kiss,” Echo explained, shooting Jesse a stern look.

“So anyway, we’ll give you two some privacy,” Jesse said.

Before Fives or Ahsoka could respond, Echo shoved Fives farther into the corner, directly under the mistletoe. Jesse pushed Ahsoka at the same time, sending her stumbling into Fives, who instinctively put his hands on her shoulders to steady her.

“You kids have fun!” Echo grinned cheekily. 

Then he and Jesse swiftly retreated across the rec room, leaving Fives and Ahsoka alone under the mistletoe.

“What’s all this about?” Ahsoka asked.

Fives realized his hands were still on her shoulders and quickly withdrew them. She turned to face him and he was suddenly all too aware of how close they were standing. Their chests couldn’t have been more than a few inches from each other, but she made no move to back away.

Fives stifled a sigh. “They wanted to get us under the mistletoe together,” he explained, gesturing to the green and white plant hanging above them.

“Why would they do that?” Was it his imagination or did she shift even closer to him?

He thought about lying or saying something otherwise evasive, but when he looked down into her deep cerulean eyes—so close now that he could see the distinct patterns of her irises—he couldn’t stop the truth from spilling out.

“Because they know how much I like you.”

Tension filled the small space between them, but it wasn’t unwelcome. It felt like electricity; like some magnetic force that was pulling them closer and not allowing either of them to back away. 

But Fives still hesitated. If he let this happen, it could cause all sorts of complications and he still wasn’t even sure if the strength of Ahsoka’s feelings matched his own. What if-

Fives’ mind went blank when Ahsoka rose up on her toes, lifted her hands to cup his face, and pulled him down until their lips met. Suddenly, she was his only thought and he immediately wrapped his arms around her, pulling her against him. Her lips were so soft on his and the kiss quickly deepened, her mouth malleable to his every movement.

By the time they broke apart, Fives’ heart was so full, he knew there was no going back. When their lips disconnected, he couldn’t stop himself from trailing more kisses along her cheeks, and up to her forehead and montrals. He felt her sigh contentedly in his arms and, when his kisses came to a stop, she pressed her face into the crook of his neck, as they embraced each other tightly.

It was several minutes before Ahsoka tilted her head back just enough to meet Fives’ brown eyes with her blue ones.

“Remind me to thank Echo and Jesse,” she said. A soft smile spread across her face as she continued to gaze up at Fives.

“I’m still not sure I liked their methods, but if it led us here, then I suppose we could thank them,” he agreed, somewhat begrudgingly.

Though the more he thought about it, the more he realized that he really did need to thank them. At length. He would thank Echo and Jesse a million times over because it was their interference that led to Ahsoka being in his arms now. And as long as he had her, Fives couldn’t imagine needing anything else ever again.

--

Mistletoe Drabble requests are CLOSED, but stay tuned for more drabbles that have yet to be posted! ✨

[life-in-the-monster-haus]

omg not u believing a quiz in a website made by a third party company solely for the purpose of a failed giveaway in australia that mixes up the movie and cartoon/doll continuities over an actual leaked bible from a huge 4chan (not reddit!) nickelodeon leak that matches up with stuff released after it that's firmly believed by all the trusted doll leak sources...

and what was that about twyla and venus?

Why is it y’all only have the guts to air your greviences to me on anon? I wont block you for disagreeing with me, I’m not sensitive or a wuss and I’m much more inclined to be polite to someone with a name and not a faceless nobody. Just an FYI.

An international branch of Mattel is a way more reliable source than Reddit & if you think it’s a flex telling me the “leaked show Bible” came from 4chan & NOT Reddit, BOY have I got some news for you about the legitimacy of 4chan.

Yes, the Live Action Movie & The Show have different canons… is there a point to that statement or are we just saying the obvious? Not everything is going to be quadruple confirmed in canon like Draculaura being Asian or Frankie being nonbinary (movie character, actor, TV character, voice actor) all things won’t be hammered in that hard so we gotta take what we can get and international monster high is fair game because Mattel has to approve everything they do.

That leaked show “Bible” is sketchy as hell & no Monster High enthusiast worth their salt has taken it seriously. If you know anything about children’s media there is a lot of language used in it that is not Nickelodeon appropriate and I’m not the only one who thinks so. We don’t know where it came from, who wrote it or who posted it. Y’all saw something that looks slightly official and ran with it and that my darlings is a fool’s errand.

Y’all need to be more critical of the information you consume and perpetuate. “You should believe in nothing that you hear and only half of what you see- Edgar Allen Poe.”

And we need to stop screaming theories as if they are canon. I PERSONALLY head canon Twyla & Venus as lesbians (not together, Twyla is obviously in love with Howleen) because UNLIKE Clawdeen who has shown an interest in boys in previous generations they have never shown an interest in actual boys as far as I know. (I also made a chart of Clawdeen being attracted to girls for equal measure) that is how I see them, I don’t go shooting off that, that is canon information.

I know a lot of you desperately want Clawdeen to be a lesbian, I am very, painfully aware of this head canon but it is just that! A head canon! Yes it’s a very popular & persistent head canon but it’s a head canon nonetheless. G3 Clawdeen appears to have a crush on Deuce, now we don’t have time to unpack that weird ass ship but it does rule out Clawdeen as a lesbian. It does NOT however mean she is straight! Clawdeen could very well be Bi or Pan or any other sapphic inclusive sexuality. I PERSONALLY see her as Bi (for the reasons stated above) but you don’t see me claiming it’s canon.

“But Jess! What about compulsory heterosexuality!” - Clawdeen was created by a gay man. Do y’all really think a member of the LGBTQA+ community would put her through something that was hell for so many of us!? I highly doubt it.

I do not make the canon, I just study and report the canon, if had my way everyone would be fatter, browner and gayer.

Please, for the love of your deity of choice: stop believing everything you read, always ask for a source and stop being so cool with people making fake leaks it’s not some fun new fad it’s intentionally misleading & a little cruel to those of us who aren’t so great at social cues.

Mattel makes the canon & if it’s not from Mattel it’s probably not real.

[whatstruthgottodowithit]

Here You Come Again [Part Sixteen]

Fandom: Elvis Presley, RPF, American Actor

Pairing: Elvis Presley x Original Female Character

Characters: Elvis Presley, Addison Goodwin, Original Female Characters, Priscilla Presley, Colonel Tom Parker, Vernon Presley, Gladys Presley, Minnie Mae Presley, Marci Cunningham, Jerry Schilling, Red West, Sonny West, Marty Lacker, Joe Esposito, Charlie Hodge, Lamar Fike, Alan Fortas, George Klein, Memphis Mafia

Rating: Mature/Explicit

Word Count: 3423

Summary: When Addison Goodwin was seventeen years old her life was turned inside out after a chance encounter with her past. Now, fifteen years later her life is the best it’s ever been. She has a home, a good job and a daughter she loves more than anything in the world but will all that remain when an old familiar face rolls into town.

Tags: Angst, Fluff, Graceland, Las Vegas, The International Hotel, Elvis In Vegas, 1970s, 1970s Elvis, Friends To Lovers, Rekindled Romance, Parenting, Time Line is Sketchy, Guilt, Betrayal, Teenage Pregnancy, Hawaii, Hidden Pregnancy, Jealousy, Sex, Absence of Parent, Single Motherhood, Trauma, Oral Sex, Tension

Notes: Short and sweet but I promise the next part is longer! Last one after this followed by an epilogue x

LINK TO ALL PARTS // LINK TO AO3 // LINK TO PINTEREST

Jess had been rifling through her suitcase, hoping that the top she had worn yesterday could take another outing when the door burst open and Addison came in slamming it closed behind her as she said, ‘pack your shit we’re leaving.’

‘What?’ Jess asked watching as her mother started pulling clean clothes out of the closet.

‘Mom,’ Jess said but Addison didn’t say anything and instead she thrust the pile of clothes towards her daughter who took them, though instead of putting them in her case she just let them hang limply over her arms. She didn’t know what the matter was but her mother’s face was frantic, like it had been the day she’d first met her dad. Yet when Jess didn’t move it fell into a scowl as Addison said, ‘I mean now Jess.’

‘Mom what’s going on?’ Jess asked worriedly.

‘Please just do as I ask,’ Addison said moving back to the closet, gathering items haphazardly as she threw them on the bed hoping her daughter would spur into action that would allow her to circumnavigate any questions. But Addison wasn’t that lucky. Jess’ familiar blue eyes were watching her, her face plastered with concern. She’d always gone with what her mother wanted, she hadn’t pushed because she trusted her mom would do what was best, but now she had a sinking feeling in her gut. One that she doubted would go until she knew what was going on.

‘Mom what’s happening?’ she asked as Addison continued to move around her, taking the items out of her hands as realised Jess had failed to move.

‘Jess please,’ Addison said pleadingly.

‘No,’ Jess said firmly making Addison stop in her tracks. She folded her arms across her chest watching her mother expectantly, the way Elvis did when he knew she was keeping something from him. She didn’t want to tell her. She didn’t want to get into it, to rehash all the pain that was swirling inside her at that moment. She didn’t want to go through it because she knew she was in the wrong too, that she shouldn’t have let herself get so close, to give them both hope.

‘Jess please,’ Addison said placing her hand on her daughter’s shoulder, gnawing on her lip as she tried to keep herself from crying.

‘No not until you tell me what’s wrong,’ Jess said watching her mother closely. Watching her expression, one Jess knew only came when she was trying not to cry, something clicked into place as she said, ‘you guys had a fight didn’t you?’

Addison sighed moving away to busy herself with packing. She should’ve known she’d see through her, after all, Elvis could always read her even when others couldn’t.

‘I’m right, aren’t I?’ Jess said making Addison’s movements slow, ‘what happened?’

‘You don’t need to know this stuff,’ Addison said quietly.

‘Because I’m a kid?’ Jess scoffed making her mother turn around in an instant.

‘Of course because you’re a kid!’ Addison said, ‘Jess this stuff-’

‘Involves me. If it involves you two it involves me and I think I should be included don’t you?’ Jess said waiting for her mother who remained stony-faced and silent, ‘fine if you don’t want to tell me I’ll just go and ask Dad.’

She started moving towards the door making Addison sling the stuff she had been holding down as she rushed forward to stop her.

‘Okay, okay,’ Addison said quickly before she sighed and took a seat on the cluttered bed. Jess hesitated but then she moved to sit beside her, waiting for whatever it was to come spilling out of her though all she said was, ‘you’re right…we had a fight.’

‘What about?’ Jess asked tentatively.

‘It’s complicated,’ Addison said peeking at Jess who was waiting patiently for her to continue, ‘he said, we said some stuff…it was bad.’

‘What stuff?’ Jess asked.

‘Like I said it’s complicated,’ Addison said trying to ignore the twinge in her heart as Elvis’s face flashed behind her eyes. The anger, hurt and upset burned into her brain. Though its presence was forced out as Jess said.

‘He’s in love with you isn’t he?’

‘Jess!’ Addison gasped.

‘What I have eyes,’ Jess said, ‘I can tell by the way he looks at you…you look at him the same way.’

‘Honey,’ Addison sighed but Jess was on a roll. She had noticed it well before they had gotten to Hawaii and she was sure that both of them felt the same.

‘What? I mean you love him, he loves you, what more is there to think about?’ Jess asked, her hopes fading as her mother placed a gentle hand on her knee.

‘Jessie it’s not that simple,’ Addison said though as Jess went to protest she dove in. She did love him, she always had, but that was the reason she couldn’t go through it all again. As was the hope in her daughter’s eyes, ‘Jessie I can’t do it again. I wish I could but I just can’t. Last time…it nearly killed me.’

‘But maybe it’ll be different this time,’ Jess pressed on, ‘I mean this time there’s nothing stopping us from being a proper family, right? I know you love him and he loves you too. He wouldn’t hurt you I just know he wouldn’t-’

‘Is that why he threatened to take you away from me?’ Addison asked making her daughter’s eyes go wide. She didn’t mean to do it, she didn’t want to paint him in a bad light, if anything she’d always tried her best to soften the blow of the truth when it came to Jess considering throughout her childhood she had been forced to see how her parents tore chunks out of one another, but she needed Jess to understand. She needed her to realise that her actions, whilst not logical to everyone, did have a deeper meaning.

‘Mom, I would never,’ Jess said in little more than a whisper.

‘I know,’ Addison said stroking her face gently, ‘but like I said it was bad…and I can’t be around him right now not with all of this up in the air.’

‘Okay,’ Jess nodded.

‘Okay,’ Addison said taking a deep breath, ‘let’s get you packed up then.’

‘I meant okay I understand you don’t want to be around him,’ Jess corrected making her falter, ‘look I know you guys have had a fight and I know whatever’s going on between you isn’t going to be fixed fast-’

‘But-’

‘But he’s still my dad,’ Jess said firmly, ‘and you promised that we could try this and that no matter what I’d have you.’

‘Of course you will-’

‘So I’m not going to ask you to spend every minute with him,’ Jess said taking her own deep breath as nerves started to bubble inside her, ‘but I am going to ask that we stay. Because if some of your reasoning is to protect me or whatever what point is there in running away? And if it’s hard, if it’s awkward I’ll jump in…like you did for me the first time he came to the house, okay?’

The words seemed to hit Addison a good thirty seconds before the sentiment kicked in. It wasn’t what she wanted, all she wanted to do was get out of there even if that proved Elvis right about her, but she could see her daughter had a point. She kept saying that she was doing this for Jess, would that still be true if she didn’t take her daughter's needs into account? It also struck her just how kind and loving her daughter was, though that was something she already knew. All this time she had worried about how including Elvis in their lives would affect her and it turned out she was handling their situation better than either of her parents.

‘When did you get so grown up huh?’ Addison said with a sad smile as she pulled her in for a hug. Jess nestled herself on her mother’s shoulder, her arms wrapping around her torso.

‘You miss a lot when you’re drooling over Dad,’ Jess joked making Addison laugh though it was a little flatter than she hoped. They were quiet for a moment before Jess managed to work up the nerve to ask something further, ‘does this mean we can stay?’

‘Yeah,’ Addison sighed, stroking her daughter’s hair, ‘I can’t promise it’ll be like it was…I might need some space.’

‘That’s fine,’ Jess said pulling out of their embrace, ‘you hang with Aunt Mar. I’ll handle Dad.’

‘I shouldn’t be asking you to do this,’ Addison frowned.

‘Why not? We’ve always got each other that’s what you promised,’ Jess said, ‘I’m happy to help.’

Though before Addison could agree there was a knock at the door. They both looked at it, wondering who it could be this early, but they were saved from the suspense as Jess got up to open it. Standing outside the door was Elvis who offered her a smile before he peered in and noticed Addison sitting on the bed.

‘Oh, uh, hey,’ he said. Addison said nothing.

‘Everything okay?’ Jess said leaning on the door and moving it forward so his view was obscured.

‘Fine, uh, Lisa’s wondering if you want to come down the beach,’ Elvis said nervously.

‘Yeah,’ Jess said though she looked towards her mother, wondering if their little pow-wow was done. Addison nodded though it was a gesture so minute anyone else but the pair of them probably would’ve missed it.

‘Great,’ Elvis said looking down the path to where Lisa was standing, hand in hand with Vernon, eagerly awaiting the pair of them to get a move on.

‘Two ticks,’ Jess said moving away so that she could run into the bathroom, grabbing the t-shirt she had been debating wearing on her way past. She changed in record speed, ignoring how her bathing suit was still slightly damp as she put it on underneath her clothes. Yet it wasn’t quick enough and when she reappeared Elvis was now standing inside her room, watching her mother as she looked away from him, her arms wrapped around herself as she tried to hold her entire being together.

‘Ready,’ Jess said grabbing her beach bag off the bed and taking a stand in front of him, hoping he’d stop watching Addison and move towards the door, but he didn’t move, in fact, he looked down at her, pleading in his eyes as he said.

‘Actually, could I speak to your mom for a minute,’ he said.

‘Isn’t everyone waiting?’ Jess asked glancing at her mother.

‘It’s fine Jess,’ Addison said offering her a reassuring smile. Jess looked between them and then sighed.

‘Two minutes, okay?’ she asked looking at Elvis as sternly as she could muster.

‘Two minutes,’ he promised. And then with one final look at the pair of them, she headed out towards where Lisa and Vernon were waiting.

Elvis waited thinking that she might start first. Now that the fear had settled, he didn’t doubt she had a slew of things waiting for him and yet as he watched her they didn’t come. The only thing that did come as he took her in was a distinct ache in his chest.

‘Addie,’ he said finally making her look at him though her face was plastered in a scowl which somehow hurt worse. At least if she was screaming at him she was still talking to him. When she didn’t say anything he sighed.

‘Look I know you don’t want to speak to me right now and I don’t blame ya,’ he said earning a scoff, ‘but luckily I don’t need you to talk I just need you to listen.’

She didn’t say anything but the scowl faded as she waited for him to say whatever it was he needed to.

‘I’m sorry okay. Bringing up Jess and…and Mona like that was wrong,’ Elvis admitted.

‘You think?’ Addison said angrily.

‘You’re mad I get that,’ he said holding his hands up, ‘but I think you’re wrong too. I think you’re wrong for not giving us a shot. I think you’re wrong for not even trying. And I know you keep saying it’s for Jess or whatever but I meant what I said. I think you’re using Jess so you don’t have to admit you’re protecting yourself. I love you Addison, always have… and I know you love me too.’

They were staring at each other now, the tension between them palpable though it wasn’t like when they had been yelling at one another. This was worse. At least in the heat of the moment she could write off his words, now they were meticulous, planned out and each one cut deeper than the other though she knew that was only because they were laced with truth.

‘But,’ he sighed making her brows knit together, ‘but I’m not gonna force it. I can’t make you love me Addie, or make you admit that you do whatever way around it is. I can’t hang on hoping that one day you’ll decide to love me back. Now that doesn’t mean that I’m just gonna up and leave either. Like it or not I am gonna be in your life, in our daughter’s life…I just hope when you’re ready to admit it it’s not too late.’

And with that he strode out of the room, trying to ignore the sting of tears in his eyes as he walked out into the bright Hawaiian sunshine.

As they walked down to the beach he was quiet, every moment running through his brain in a cycle taunting him for what he did wrong. He tried to tell himself he had been in the right, that for the most part, he had a point, yet that didn’t take the broken way she had looked at him after he’d mentioned Mona out of his mind. The only solace he had as they walked down the sandy path to the beautiful beach was that he had been honest. That he had told her everything and now the ball was in her court.

That didn’t stop the ache in his chest though, it didn’t stop Jess and Vernon from sharing a look as he over-acted trying to remain as normal as possible as he followed Lisa down to the sea. At least spending time with the girls he didn’t have to think about it. Well almost.

He had taken a seat on his towel, dusting the wet sand off his legs when Jess plonked down next to him, her blue eyes watching and waiting for him as though he needed to explain himself.

‘What?’ he asked hoping her scrutiny wasn’t what he thought it was.

‘What happened?’ Jess asked.

‘What are you talking about?’ he asked casually.

‘What did you say to her?’ Jess pressed.

‘Jess,’ Elvis sighed.

‘Don’t bother lying to me because she already told me most of it,’ Jess said taking Elvis off guard. That wasn’t a good sign, if Addison was willing to let the façade break even a little bit in front of Jess it meant that the situation was dire.

‘You know we had a fight?’ Elvis asked.

‘Yeah,’ Jess said. Elvis sighed and looked out towards the sea. Lisa was with some of the other kids, running along the waterline as they allowed the waves to chase them up the beach. Carefree, happy. Something he wished he could feel at that moment in time. Jess watched him for a moment.

‘You love her don’t you?’ she asked after a minute. Elvis looked towards her, unable to protest.

‘Did you tell her?’ Jess asked though her face fell as Elvis looked at her pointedly, ‘oh, that’s what the fight was about.

‘I thought she told you most of it,’ Elvis said raising an eyebrow as Jess blushed.

‘Well she skated over a few details,’ Jess admitted, ‘but I got the gist of it…what I don’t understand is how you telling her you love her led to a screaming match.’

‘You’ve never been in love I take it,’ Elvis chuckled though it dimmed as Jess rolled her eyes. He wanted to be honest with his daughter, yet he didn’t have the heart to tell her what had kicked it all off in the first place. How the hurt and anger he had felt with Addison had pushed him onto the nearest girl around. How he’d taken her to bed, wishing for every minute that it was Addison.

‘Jess, I know this isn’t going to come as a shock to you but your mother isn’t exactly the easiest woman to deal with,’ he said making Jess smirk.

‘I know,’ Jess sighed, ‘she’s hardheaded, stubborn, uncooperative, unreasonable…and yet you love her anyway.’

‘Yeah, I do,’ Elvis smiled. It was true. Out of all the women he’d ever dated Addison was all the things he’d profess never to want. And yet all those qualities were things he loved about her. They infuriated him of course, but they had a hold on him. He was no more able to resist her now than when she was three years old and demanding he play house with her.

‘And she loves you too,’ Jess said.

‘Jessie,’ Elvis sighed. He knew she did but hearing someone confirm it other than his own thoughts hurt more than he anticipated.

‘She does love you back I know she does,’ Jess said firmly.

‘I know,’ Elvis said pulling her into him as he sighed, ‘but that doesn’t mean she wants to be with me, honey.’

‘She’s just scared,’ Jess said, ‘I mean last time she felt that way it all went wrong. When the Colonel sent her away-’

‘How do you know about that?’ Elvis said pulling back. Though Addison and he had gone through everything that had happened in their late-night talks she had always said Jess didn’t need to know the ins and outs of everything. And from the look on his daughter’s face, it hadn’t been her mother to tell her.

‘Grandpa told me,’ Jess said biting her lip as Elvis’ jaw tightened, ‘but I made him. I begged him please don’t be angry with him it’s not his fault.’

‘He shouldn’t have told you,’ Elvis said looking down the beach to where his father was lying reading his book, unknowingly being ratted out.

‘It’s my story too remember,’ Jess said making his gaze fall back on her, his expression softening a touch, ‘and I know you guys think I’m just a kid and I know you want to protect me or whatever but that doesn’t mean I don’t see everything y’know? I remember it all.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Do you think that in fourteen years mom didn’t have a chance at being happy? At meeting someone new?’ Jess asked raising an eyebrow. Elvis’ brow furrowed; he hadn’t thought about it much before. When Jess had blown his questions off he had allowed that answer to be the truth in his mind because he hadn’t wanted to think about it.

‘I suppose,’ he said.

‘I used to think it was because she was worried about me. That if she let herself be anything other than a mom it would upset me but now…now I don’t think that’s what it was,’ Jess admitted, ‘I think she didn’t allow herself to do that stuff because…well because she was still in love with you. And well I can see why she might think it could go wrong, how it might not last…I mean you got married-’

‘I didn’t stop,’ Elvis said, the words falling out of his mouth without him giving them permission, ‘I never stopped loving her.’

‘So don’t stop now,’ Jess said, ‘please?’

‘Jess,’ Elvis sighed.

‘She’ll realise it I promise she will,’ Jess said, ‘just don’t give up on her just yet.’

‘Oh honey,’ Elvis said pulling her back into his side. They sat there for a moment, both looking out towards the gently lapping blue sea, listening to the wind as it rustled through the palm trees behind them. She didn’t look up but after a moment Jess spoke.

‘Dad?’ she said tentatively.

‘Yeah?’ Elvis asked still watching the waves.

‘Maybe next time don’t tell her you’re gonna take me away?’ Jess said making Elvis’ heart twinge. It had been a stupid remark, one he hadn’t meant and hearing the way Jess’ voice sounded made him feel all the more worse.

‘I never would baby,’ Elvis said firmly, ‘I never would.’

SERIES TAGS

@girlblogger2002 @sania562 @caitlin1996 @literally-just-elvis-fics @notstefaniepresley @artlesson8892 @18lkpeters​ @velvetelvis @jaqueline19997 @elvispresleyxoxo @amydarcimarie @presleyenterprise @everythingelvispresley @elvispresleywife @lillypink @richardslady121 @lettersfromvenus @louisejoy86 @ccab

[suivyfx]

I wish we could’ve been an exception

Miles Morales x Gwen Stacy

scene of Miles ripping Gwens web when he was getting chased, but make it more angsty

includes ✧ angst

atsv spoilers!

🕸 ⋆｡°✩ ⋆｡°✩ 🕸 ⋆｡°✩ ⋆｡°✩🕸 ⋆｡°✩ ⋆｡°✩ 🕸 ⋆｡°

Too much was running through his mind right now. And him, literally. Miles was currently getting chased by all the Spider people in the HQ. Once he heard that his dad was going to die, he knew he had to get back to his universe , he had to save his dad.

He couldn’t trust anyone anymore, not even Gwen. He thought she came back because she missed him, because she wanted to see him again. He thought she came on her own will. His heart wrenched, he wanted things to work out between them, but he should’ve know, he should’ve listened to her. ‘In every other universe, it doesn’t work out.’ They weren’t even from the same universe , such a fool he was.

Despite all of that, he couldn’t flood his mind with his thoughts, not now. He had to find a way to get all of the Spider people off of him and find his way back to the “Go home machine.”

.

.

“GAHHH” Miles screamed after jumping through the window, still being chased by Miguel. “Stop running!” Miguel shouted, on miles tail. He would stop at nothing to make sure Miles didn’t get away. “Then stop chasing me!” “You’re so frustrating!”

“I know he’s your friend, but it’s the only way!” Jess said to Gwen, both after Miles. “But my gut says-” “Then use your head.” Jess cut her off, before speeding off. Gwen knew she fucked up, she knew Miles won’t forgive her after this. She really did miss him, she really wanted them to work, but with all of this Spider-Verse stuff, it just wasn’t the right time.

She saw him getting roughed up by Miguel and Jess, and took it as her chance to catch up to him. Using her webs to web his chest, they make eye contact. The tension is thick, but despite that miles brings his hands up to rip her web off of him. “Wait! Miles, please-” She huffed, attempting to catch her breath. “Wait for what Gwen?! I’ve heard and seen enough, I don’t have time for this. Are you here to stop me from saving my dad too?!” He yelled. This made her eyes widen. She’d never seen him like this, and to think she’s the reason for it? It broke her. “Listen I know what it seems like, and I’m sorry, but I just..I just couldn’t tell you.” She had a look of genuineness and sorrow on her face, it almost made Miles give in to her, almost.

“..Why’d you lead me on like this? I thought you missed me, I thought you came to see what I was up to in life, but no. You came only to catch the spot and then leave.” His face scrunched, he was a second away from ripping the web. “I did miss you! After joining the Spider-Society and learning I could see you again, all that was on my mind was you.” Miles eyes widen, listening as she continued to spill her heart. “In every other universe, Gwen Stacy falls for Spider Man. And in every other universe, it doesn’t work out. Miles, I wish we could’ve been an exception.”

He’s frozen. Did she technically just confess? Oh how much he just wants to scream out “We can be,” but he can’t bring himself to, not now.

“Go find your dad, miles.” With that, she releases him, watching him web away. Before she’s out of his view, he turns around to look at her, wondering if that’ll be the last time. He knows that he told himself he couldn’t trust her, he knows that he should be focusing on the task at hand, and he knows all what he just told himself. But you know Miles, can never take no for an answer. Not even when it comes to himself.

.

.

“I can do all.”

.

.

He was about to save all universes, save his dad, and save his relationship with Gwen.

🕸 ⋆｡°✩ ⋆｡°✩ 🕸 ⋆｡°✩ ⋆｡°✩🕸 ⋆｡°✩ ⋆｡°✩ 🕸 ⋆｡°

lol I know it isn’t possible for them to do all that when like hundreds of spider people r chasing him but let’s just pretend..

[theonethatwatchesalotofshows]

Lorelai was extremely unsupportive of their relationship and Rory knew that.

After rewatching the series I realized that Lorelei cut Jess a lot of slack, more slack than most mothers would. When Rory tells Lorelei that Jess didn’t call her and started comparing Jess to Dean, Lorelei told her not to compare them. Lorelei also makes an effort to get along with Jess during multiple instances.

Honestly I feel like people are projecting too much on this relationship, like maybe YOU wouldn't be happy with a boyfriend like that but Rory was. She was happy enough with him as a boyfriend to consider losing her virginity to him which was a big deal for her. In to years of dating Dean she never even considered sleeping with him but trusted Jess enough to consider and want it just after a few months of dating.

Rory wasn’t that happy with Jess. She compared him to Dean, she didn’t like that he was emotionally distant and uncommunicative.

In 3x20 she says: “I'm so tired of fighting. Or not even fighting because he won't fight. He just gets mad and disappears and then comes back and and I don't like how I feel and I don't like what I do. don't wanna feel like this, I don't wanna sit around wondering when we're going to talk, if he's mad, why he's mad. I hate this.”

Just because she considered having sex with Jess doesn’t mean that either of them were ready to have sex (Keg Max illustrates that), it just means that he awakened feelings of lust within her, which makes sense given that the appeal of Jess is his bad boy charm. Trust didn’t really factor into the equation. But if we are going off of that premise, Rory felt Dean was safe enough to sleep with as well and look how that turned out.

I’m glad that people are calling out Logan’s behavior as he is insufferable but I personally don’t see how Jess was a better bf to Rory. All her bfs suck.

Let's be real Lorelai inserted herself in her daughter's relationships waaay too much. In Dean and Jess especially, with Logan she finally gave her some space. I mean yes, she did tell Rory once to stop comparing the two, only to go on and sing praises to her ex and saying how he was: "an exceptional first boyfriend". If she cut anyone too much slack it was Dean and for way too long.

As for Rory being unhappy with Jess- obviously she expressed frustrations with him in 3x20 at that point their relationship was falling apart. However, just at the beginning of the previous episode we saw that Jess was communicating and making plans. They had fixed most of their issues from 3x15. We heard many references of them talking on the phone, making plans and going on dates, it is very frustrating we didn't see it.

About the point you brought about Rory being ready to have sex with Dean... Lol fair point. Her timing with Logan was also bad. Maybe this girl just doesn't have a good gut feeling for when the timing is right.

[ravenkinnie]

I love how the movie starts with Gwens monologue about hurting someone she loves without meaning to and how this is constantly called back to through and with different characters. Did Miles hurt spot? Is he hurting his family? Did Miguel doom a whole dimension and his family? Did Peter teach Miles the right things? Who is to blame for universe 42? And of course through Gwen herself. And I’m the end she gets the opportunity to make amends and she decides to do so even if it may come with consequences for herself. It’s not a stupid girl power story. It’s a real human tale about how sometimes even if we mean well we hurt people and things are out of our control but there are still things we can control. Agency we can take back. Painful things we have to face in order to move on. Gwen gets to be both selfish and selfless in the movie. She seeks to protect others but also herself.

In conclusion I think the spin-off game to spiderman 2 should be spiderwoman Gwen Stacy (J?)

when spot said "I created you, you created me" I was so gagged, I love stories of superheroes creating their own nemesis while trying to do good like its NOT miles' fault you know. he tried to save his universe and its not his fault there's no spiderman on earth 42 because he literally didn't know but in case of spot its still his actions that caused him to become this, to lose everything. I loooove superhero stories about trying and never getting it right like at the end of the day there's no way for them to get everything 100% perfect and save the day, there will always be casualties, there will always be lose lose scenarios. I think beyond the spiderverse will tie up the theme of whether spiderman can do both, can have two cakes yk and I wonder how they will do that because I think the answer to whether it's okay to break canon is yeah but the answer to whether spiderman can always get everything done is no lmao maybe the answer is just that hurting people is just kind of inevitable in this line of work, it's about where you go from there like we will see with miles and gwen

also after watching the movie the second time I have to give gwen even more credit (sorry to be a gwen defender on main again) - there are multiple moments in the movie where she hints at having doubts about the spider society, like during the chase scene jessica tells her sth like I know it's your friend but it's the right thing or sth and gwen goes "I just have this gut feeling" and jessica fucking goes "then use your head" which a) sends me b) gwen fucking does when her dad quits and she realises it disrupts the canon event but DOESNT trigger anything which means in some way miguel is wrong about how the rules of the multiverse work (she does ask him after miles goes to earth 42 whether he's sure that's how canon even works but miguel was acting so feral I don't blame people for missing that). like it's a two way decision of wanting to make amends to miles because gwen does care for him but also knowing its not actually gonna destroy the universe - which ties so well with themes of mentorship and growing up past people taking care of you and doing your thing, but also questioning that mentorship the way miles does with peter and gwen with jess but also with trusting miguels canon theory that the whole ass spider society trusts 100%

also spiderman game with spidergwen would be fun but that's an intersection of comics bros and gamers which are both demographics that fucking hate women so we can be sure that doesn't happen

[jodilin65]

MONDAY, OCTOBER 31, 2011 Alison emailed a letter to the police chief at the troll’s local PD. :) I’m proud of her! And so the ball is rolling, but where it ends up remains to be seen. Gotta admit my buddy’s got more guts than I do. I wish I could say otherwise but I have no faith in the system or those running it. One decade and two states ago I got sick of their abuse of authority and their lies, and therefore I lost my ability to trust in the system altogether. Because of it, I let an awful lot of shit happen to me. I guess I also didn’t want to appear as vengeful as some others have been. You hear about double standards and people’s civil rights being violated but you never expect it to happen to you. You never think you’ll be told a certain problem is “over” just to find it’s not. You never expect to be promised a year of probation - not that you even deserve a minute of it for words on paper you never forced anyone to read - only to end up wishing that was all you got. You never expect to “go down” for what you’re led to believe are journal excerpts you wrote (perhaps with some alterations on their part), that you later learn was really for a letter you never sent. You never expect a sentence fit for a wife-beater. You never expect those who are supposed to uphold the law to tweak and break the terms of your probation at will all the while knowing that your own ass will be back in the slammer if you so much as stray a millimeter from those precious rules and that the honesty and integrity of the “victims” who the actual perps were were never once questioned.

But I have vowed to move on and put these people and these events in the past where they belong. If they want to hang onto their own hate and obsession – fine, they’re welcome to do so and that’s their problem if they can’t get over it, wherever they may be these days. I’m only making a point as to why it’s so hard to trust the system.

I also don’t believe people should waste the time of the police, corrupt or honest, unless someone’s actually done something and not just because of what they might have said. Well, the troll I’m referring to has started to cross the “spoken” boundaries.

Later…

Took a two-hour nap but am not really sure if I fell asleep. Did I?

Tom just got up and will be gone in a couple of hours, leaving me feeling once again like a fish in a bowl who hopes no one will try to stick a net in and fish out. I wasn’t going to do certain activities like play music that could be heard outside in case anyone came down to try to arrest me, but that would really be letting them control me. So I refuse to be as quiet as a mouse and do things at certain times. If they come down here I’m not opening the door whether they hear me in here or not. I can’t stop them from making Jesse open the door, but I’m not going to make their “job” any easier for them.

I keep telling myself they have nothing on me and they couldn’t possibly arrest or sue me. But what if they framed me or I wrote something I think is legal that’s really not? Or what if I don’t get in trouble for anything I said about the freeloaders but for the pigs instead? They spited Amanda Knox when she had less than kind words to say about the way they mistreated her. Ok, so this may not be Italy and I may not have said any of them hit me, but I did speak of being set up even if I didn’t use full names. Cops are sensitive and if any of them have a guilty conscience or something to hide, then a certain black pig just may try to pull something on me. It just won’t win this time. I would literally kill myself first same as I would have killed myself to escape the streets like I thought I was going to have to do and was prepared to do. 2003 was the last time anyone would ever treat me like a child or that I would lose a moment’s freedom or a single penny to the sick black bitch.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 29, 2011 I am so fucking sick of the same damn troll that I’ve told to leave me the fuck alone for over two years now!!! She created yet another FB account and sent me a “,,,,,” comment from it, whatever the fuck that’s supposed to mean. I blocked her, of course. What disturbs me most, even though I haven’t written anything I absolutely don’t want her to see, is that she was in my blog for over a minute today. Over a minute! What’s up with this blocker lately? And how many more years or decades is this shit going to go on???

I realized posting links to individual entries where she can access them was a dumb idea. She can usually get in for just a few seconds so if she can click each one individually she can read at least the beginning of the entry. But some days I write more than one entry, and believe it or not she also takes a few days off from my blog occasionally, so by the time she got a chance to scroll down to what she’s missed she should be kicked out.

I’m really surprised she hasn’t harassed me on Formspring in a while, but that’ll come next, I’m sure.

Although childish perhaps, now I’m toying with the fucktard. I tweeted a post about dreaming about her showing up here in an adult diaper. Then I ran and deleted the post. Oh, how frustrating it’s gonna be for her to click the link just to see that the URL can’t be found, LOL.

The bad freeloaders/corrupt cop vibes have faded. If anything I feel like something good is about to happen. But that doesn’t mean I’m “off the hook.” They could still try to set me up for some kind of fall.

Looking back in my Arizona journals before sentencing, it seemed like I both did and didn’t have bad vibes, but also wasn’t as developed as a psychic as I am now. I trust my dreams and vibes and at this point, I can’t see anything bad happening to me/us, no matter what or who may be involved, without me having nightmares at least a day in advance.

I’d say that if they’re going to send a subpoena that I actually receive it will be before the year is out, probably by the middle of next month. If I don’t receive anything that was sent I can start checking for warrants around March or April, figuring that the court date would’ve come and gone by then. Although I can’t imagine how or why, there could already be an arrest warrant out if I’m wanted for questioning, but I’m not going to check now when the pigs may be watching my every online move on the off chance it wasn’t a scam. All I can do for now is keep on praying them off and hope something up there does more than just hear me. As in actually listening to me!

Andy may be covered in snow, but at least the bugs there are dead. Here we have these annoying little flying things that bombing the place would be useless against because they’re small enough to fit through the screens.

Menopause is definitely setting in, so it seems. I usually get woken up with cramps in the middle of my sleep and have to take something. But today I only became aware of them when I woke up for good, and my flow is much lighter, too. I sure am quite a water balloon, though.

Later…

Tom’s going to grab some more groceries, fill our 5-gallon water bottle, and then check the mail. My heart beats with anxiety every goddamn time he goes to get the mail to possibly come home with a subpoena of some kind. sighs I guess it’s going to be like this for the next few months whenever he checks the mail. I try to tell myself that having a default warrant out on me isn’t the end of the world… unless it’s something federal or some kind of lawsuit that could get our wages garnished. If it’s just the state or the city against me, however, then the pigs outside of Arizona couldn’t touch me.

How sad and also ironic it would be if he did come home with a summons of some kind, for it was exactly 11 years today that I was sentenced to half a year in jail, all for words on paper.

Another unfortunate thing just occurred to me. Tom was saying the other day that they rarely kick doors down when serving arrest warrants and how they wouldn’t force their way in so long as I didn’t open the door. But what about Jesse? What if the pigs convinced him to unlock the door or to at least give them the keys?

I keep going back and forth in my mind from ‘the pigs wouldn’t be snooping in my Google account if they didn’t think they had a case against me’ to ‘there’s nothing they could logically charge me with.’

But what’s “logical” about Arizona laws??? The sentences are crazier than the laws themselves, but the laws are crazy enough.

Later…

Thank you, God! Yes, there is a good God at least so far. Instead of coming home with any summons since certain sensitives out there can’t handle some of us who dare to speak our minds – especially us white Jews – he came home with a $25 IHOP GC from my folks. :)))

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 28, 2011 Another warm spell has worked its way in, so we’ve decided to put off calling Jesse down to deal with the heater till Thursday. That way if he has plans to take off for the evening we’ll catch him before he gets the chance. It’s still chilly at night but not cold. Not like Andy, LOL. He’s already looking at half a foot of snow and temps in the 20s!

I am so damn tired of trying to find things in here that I refuse to bother trying anymore unless it’s something I absolutely have to have! But is having so much trouble finding things really due to having to have so much shit crammed into tiny places, or is something wrong with my memory these days? I may be getting older, but maybe I’m doing too much too fast. I’m learning several languages, writing several books, and then there’s my regular online work/hobbies, housekeeping and laundry. This weekend I’ve got to clean the bathroom, do laundry, change the rat’s cage and give the grease ball a bath. I don’t know why this rat just can’t keep himself clean like most rats.

Had a weird and detailed dream about us moving to a bigger place somewhere around here. It was nice but part of it didn’t make sense and I really don’t know what to think as far as the house and moving dreams go. One of the Florida dreams suggested we would move there straight from this place, so I’m just not sure what to think or how to read some of these dreams. But they are picking up in frequency and I’ve moved enough to think they might mean something. Who knows, maybe we will move somewhere next year. Been here for 3.5 years already and that’s a long time for me. In the last 25 years, I’ve lived in 9 apartments, 1 duplex, 3 houses, and this trailer. That’s not counting the 4 months we stayed in hotels between Phoenix and Maricopa, the 3 months in hotels in Oregon, and the 8 months in hotels in Sacramento. I only stay in the same place for an average of 1-2 years. The variety was interesting – sometimes even fun – but I’d really love to settle down in a modest, peaceful little house in a Florida adult community as much as I know that’s just a dream.

If the dream meant anything, then good things will keep happening at work, including them hiring him on and maybe even giving him more money. We could afford to move now, I just don’t want to take chances this soon and without him being a permanent employee. I’m still not sure I’d want to take the chance then, but I also don’t want to stay cramped in here forever, so we’ll see.

In the dream, the house appeared to be a long rectangular shape like this trailer only it was a real house. I was standing in the middle of it sort of in a hallway but facing the living room. I glanced left and right and saw bathrooms at both ends of the place just as Tom answered the phone.

It seemed I was only just then realizing it had two bathrooms and was so damn happy about it that I practically shouted with tears of joy about how nice it was to have two bathrooms again.

Tom then said it was my mother calling so I stepped into the living room and took the phone from him and was telling mom about working out and how tomorrow was cardio day and then I gave her our new number. That’s the first part that was weird. I not only didn’t seem to give her an area code, but we wouldn’t get a new number if we stayed in the area and this house “felt” like it was in the area. I remember most of the numbers I gave her too, which were ??0 - 11?0

The other part that didn’t make sense was that the house was close to others. Unless someone practically gave us a place for free, there’s no way I’d live close to others just anywhere. Yet Tom was talking about a houseful of rowdy kids a couple of houses away and I could hear some barking.

At the end of the dream, I was answering Tom’s questions in Spanish. My Spanish was fluent and correct too, unlike some dreams where our second language sometimes comes out either garbled or incorrect.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 27, 2011 Currently, I’m a 45-year-old woman living in NorCal. I’m liberal, a bit on the eccentric side, and my passions are writing, music and studying languages. It was 24 years ago that I began journaling consistently. How very different my life was back then! I still prefer the me of today even when things are rough.

I left my MyOpera account public for now so those who may’ve been out of town can have a chance to catch up on anything they might’ve missed since I’m not copying past entries over to Tumblr. Then I may set that blog to friends only.

I tested my own IP again. The first time I could view my blog for 7 seconds. By the third time only 3. But one second is too many when one can take screenshots if they keep scrolling. It’d be a helluva pain in the ass, but it could probably be done with a little determination. And if she doesn’t know this, what’s to say she doesn’t know someone who knows this that could tell her about it?

Later…

Tom got a nice bonus of $125 added to his paycheck. :) But we’re not sure why. It says, “VPP bonus for September.” But he only worked a few days in September.

The big boss also commended him on doing a job well done with a job that was hard. Tom doesn’t think it’s that hard, though. He says it’s hard, yes, but not that hard.

Most people are dumb, like it or not. So what’s not that hard for him probably would be hard for others. The only thing I’ve seen him struggle with is languages.

I have been learning more and more about computers, programs, scripts, code and setting up websites. I love to learn so long as it’s nothing illegal.

I deactivated a couple of accounts on sites I no longer use. That way no one could leave me messages there that I might not check for but would otherwise want to know about.

Since the nights are getting chillier we have to get Jesse down this weekend to fix the heater. While it may be a nuisance to have to deal with, the best part is that it won’t cost us a dime. :) Who knows how big or costly a job it will end up being? He may have to get someone out next week to deal with it. My schedule kind of sucks right now but we gotta deal with what we gotta deal with.

Heaters are nothing compared to what the sickos down south may have up their sleeves. Yeah, still no nightmares but still worried. While it’s true that I would expect to be served this week or next if they’re going to serve me, it can also take months.

I don’t worry just because of them alone, but because I know something up there loves to yank the carpet from under our feet whenever we start to get ahead. God or whatever could just have him laid off, but since they obviously like him so much where he works, what better way to tear us down than with old enemies? Again, I still don’t see how that’s legally possible but it also doesn’t mean they can’t make it illegally possible. They did it before so why not do it again? My speech rights and more were violated, and nothing’s changed. Meaning that the law was never fair and it never will be.

So instead of being only excited about the raise and the kind words from the big boss, I worry something up there is saying to themselves, “Glad they’re excited about the raise cuz they’re going to need it with the trouble they’ve got ahead.”

I just hope to hell God has better feelings toward me than He did in 2000 and that He would never again feel the need to use such monsters against me.

Although I can’t imagine it for the life of me (not that I could imagine them screwing me like they did in the first place) I told Tom never to put his own self at risk and come after me if I ever get legally kidnapped and extradited anywhere. I told him I’d get out on my own somehow and hitch as many rides as I have to back home.

I’m a little disturbed that the troll could access my blog for 31 seconds today, and yes, I’m sure of the timing. The second time she tried half a minute later, no time registered. A few hours later she made two more tries. The first time she was in for 15 seconds, the second not long enough to register. sighs A lot can be read in half a minute, even 15 seconds. I did a test on myself again and I was kicked out in just a few seconds, so IDK, maybe the times logged aren’t quite accurate.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 26, 2011 Tom says I’m safe and that being arrested, served, extradited, and or sued isn’t an issue. Then why does he feel that some repercussion is in store for us on account of the black bitch and pigs? Something annoying, but manageable?

I still don’t know what to think. I fear the worst but hope for the best. If she hadn’t already used the law to screw me with and if reverse discrimination wasn’t running rampant and if Arizona’s laws weren’t so crazy, I wouldn’t worry at all. I know I didn’t do anything wrong. But some people just don’t care. People that can’t let go and that just may have a way of making it at least look like I did something wrong.

I still think they’ll serve me with some kind of summons for God knows what. I just don’t know if I’ll actually get it. I also don’t know if this is the first time she’s gone running to the pigs just because I only first knew about it on the 18th when I got that message from Google. She probably ran to them years ago. That’s just the spiteful, vindictive sicko she is.

I’m not as stressed as I was last week, but I’m still a bit apprehensive. Still praying, though I don’t know if it will continue to do me any good. So far so good, but these things usually take months to play out if there’s anything to be played at all.

I’m angry and embarrassed she managed to scare the shit out of me all over again if not directly, but if that’s the worst of it (and losing my Blogger blog even though I chose to dump it), fine. Maybe I’ll like Tumblr better. It’s too soon to tell, though there are some things I both do and don’t like about it.

Later…

I’ve tried and I’ve tried but it just seems that lately, I can’t get myself to focus on much story-writing. So I’ve given up for now and am still learning the ropes at Tumblr where I learned the hard way that messing with themes throws off coding. I had to reinstall the codes for both the tracker and the blocker after tweaking with themes upset things and I don’t know for sure that they’re working again. I hope I caught it and fixed things before the troll could discover Aly’s blog there. Sooner or later, as we both know, she’ll find it. That’s just what stalkers do. She checks her other blogs religiously, as Aly put it, and being the attention whore that she is, it’s only a matter of time before she tries to force her presence on us again if not from one site than from another. I see she’s rotating through mine as usual. She came in from Formspring and then from Facebook. Aly says she checks one of her blogs at 10:30, 9:30 my time. I will be on the lookout at that time. I tested the blocker on my own IP so I know it can work on Tumblr. Inserting a code is much easier there than on Blogger. On Blogger the code had to be in just the right spot, but on Tumblr, you just drop to the end of the code lines and stick it in.

My new body pillow came today. It’s nice but different. It’s heavier and feels different because it’s filled with gel fibers instead of the usual cotton ball type of fluff.

I also won a mug for a contest that must not have ended till after I stopped sweeping. It’s a glass beer mug but I don’t see why it can’t be used for coffee, hot chocolate and things like that.

What didn’t come – not that it still might not – was any summons to appear in court for whatever fictitious bullshit the nigs and pigs may hope to screw me with. Again, only time will tell if these assholes can move on and let go, but I’m not ready to hold my breath.

Another Naneless day, and yes, it’s more than obvious that she’s toying with me just as Andy suspects. Still not sure how I’m going to deal with her and when but she’s the least of my concerns right now.

It’s Jesse I’m wondering about. I’m not concerned but I’m hoping he’ll let me sleep tomorrow as I’m on nights right now. I was just waking up at 3pm when I heard a loud, vibrant rumble. My first thought was the motorcycle but as loud as that sucker is, it ain’t that loud. So I got up and went into the kitchen. That’s when I noticed he managed to drag down the detached back of that old ugly pickup he’s had at the side of the drive for the longest time without waking me up. He added it to his shit pile, so now we have more of an eyesore to see from the side window in the kitchen.

I thought the loud truck was a propane truck, but after seeing what I saw, I’m not sure. I saw a green truck appear to be coming down his drive, and then it seemed to go back up and stop. This is the time of year there’s lots of land activity and he’s always up to something, so hopefully he’s not about to start work on some new project that’s going to take days or even weeks with anything as loud as that truck. That was insanely loud! I don’t think I could get the sound machine loud enough to drown it out.

When I was showering the pipes made a horribly loud sound I never heard them make before that sort of reminded me of a semi’s horn, something else I hope won’t be a regular occurrence around here. sighs I seriously wonder if I’ll ever get to live in a place ever again that’s no older than 30 years.

Every now and then that age-old question pops into mind – did Tom deliberately keep himself from cumming to prevent pregnancy, or did he really have a problem that was out of his hands? The answer may not matter now that I’ve long since gotten over any desires for a child, but I think it was both. With all I’ve learned throughout the years, I can look back on it and truly believe it was both. He had a problem, but it was a problem he was ok with. More than ok with it since I also believe he didn’t really want a kid. He would have stayed and been a great dad had an accident occurred, but I really think he saw his problem as a blessing and used it to his advantage and that was why he was too content-appearing with it and not eager to see a doctor. It wasn’t about embarrassment; it was about his not wanting a kid enough to find the idea of seeking help worth it.

Later…

I sure am learning a lot. I just discovered something weird that wasn’t an issue on Blogger. I wouldn’t call it an “issue,” but it’s definitely different. Well, I blocked my own IP as a test to see if the block was working and noticed that I could see my blog for a split second before I was redirected. Well, TIP picked me up. Before Molly wasn’t showing up at all on my visitor blog when she’d try to go check me out on Blogger. So maybe the blocker has been working all along and she was redirected after all after a split second but TIP still logged her. Hope she’s not smart enough to take screenshots during those split seconds! I thought tweaking the themes was knocking the code off since it seemed to upset the tracker, but apparently not. It would also explain why she registered as having visited for just 33 seconds, though my blog surely wasn’t visible for that long! It could be counting her previous Blogger visits. It looks like she tried to hit me twice, with both hits being just seconds apart. She first came in from Formspring.

It was definitely smart to scrunch my blog in skinnier now that I know she has that precious second. Also, most people don’t have giant monitors, so at worst, even if she is smart enough to take a screenshot, she’ll only see a few lines. I originally scrunched the blog so text wouldn’t stick out way past the pics.

Just checked on my laptop, figuring that’s the screen size most people have, and could only see the first 3 lines.

I still don’t see how she would have registered as 33 seconds. I’m guessing it’s counting previous hits. These things may not almost be precise but it still seems like a bit much. If she were really computer savvy she would know to zoom out as much as she can and then screen shoot the thing, enlarging it afterward in a photo editor.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 25, 2011 Not sure if I should be worried about the dream I had last night – or this morning – as would be more appropriate. No one busted in and dragged my ass off to Arizona or anything like that. God also didn’t decide we should be poor again but this time at someone else’s expense by allowing Tom’s hard-earned wages to be garnished. But I pissed off a PO I didn’t know was my PO.

We were living in what appeared to be the Phoenix house which is no surprise because for some reason many of my dreams take place there. Only they seemed to have added an extra bath. They put it where the oven was, LOL.

They also seemed to do things backward these days where you would get a PO assigned to you upon suspicion while an investigation was run and you possibly went to court, too.

At one point there was a knock on the door. “We shouldn’t answer it,” I said to Tom, unsure if anyone was investigating me. “Right?”

“It’s probably just a spam visit generated by a contest you entered or something you signed up for. I think it’s a real estate agent wanting to sell the house,” Tom said.

I peeked out the vertical blinds and saw a stout, middle-aged Mexican woman. Then Tom peeked out and jostled the blinds while he was at it. I said, “Hey, don’t let her see someone’s home!”

The next day we were pulling out of the driveway when the Mexican lady ran up to my open window and let me have it for ignoring her. Then she shouted about being “done with me” and that I would have to get another PO. She was gone before I could even say one single word in defense of myself.

It seems I misunderstood Andy and ended up irritating him when I certainly didn’t mean to. But it also seems we have different definitions of what’s porn and what’s funny unless I’m misunderstanding him more than I realize. He said something like it not being porn unless it turned me on, but I thought exposed dicks and pussies were considered porn whether or not it turned you on. And it doesn’t. Maybe I’m just weird, but I prefer sexy to trashy. Exposed privates never did a thing for me. I find a woman sexier with clothes on even if it’s not much at all. Meaning it never amused or turned me on and I told him this. But I won’t simply ignore any future pics he may send. As he said, that’d be lame.

Alison wants to meet him, though, because they’re both into porn, so I emailed him her email addy.

Had the runs again today and I don’t know why. I don’t think I’m nerved up enough for the runs, so maybe it was cuz I ate so damn much yesterday, like 2000 calories. We may look better when we’re thin, but it’s still so nice to know that as long as I work out 3 times a week I can eat an average of 1500 calories a day without getting any fatter. :)

Based on the article Tom read, a natural disaster that kills a third or half the population isn’t necessary. Supposedly, the experts say the world population will peak at 9 billion in 2070 and then start dropping from there. Meanwhile, the world’s food source is nowhere near at risk and the earth could probably support up to 20 billion people. Well, maybe so, but when I go to Walmart at the wrong times I sure wish half of NorCal’s population would cease to exist.

We’ve been able to leave the windows open for several nights this month. I don’t think we’ve ever been able to do that before in the month of October, so it’s been nice. However, we have to shut them up tonight. It’s going to get down into the low 50s.

Later…

Just created a new Tumblr blog. Not sure yet if I’m going to stick with it. It’s very different yet similar to other blogging sites like Blogger and MyOpera. I like how outsiders can see my customized background but hate the boring teal user interface I can’t seem to customize. That’s the part that’s different, though MD is that way too, where it looks different from the outside in than from the inside out.

I’m still fairly new to Tumblr. I’ve had accounts there before but always ended up elsewhere so I never really got a chance to explore much of the site.

I like how adding code is easier than any other blogging site I’ve used but I don’t like how I could customize my background only once. Then when I went to add a customized theme to see if the design would overlay itself against my chosen background, it would not let me re-customize the damn thing. So for now I’m stuck with a boring plaid theme. At least I could change it from purple plaid to pink plaid.

I like how they give you separate ways to upload different things – text, photos, videos, etc., instead of doing it all in one entry.

I’m not going to spread this link around publicly just yet due to Molly, though I suppose that somehow, someway, she’ll find me even though this site doesn’t ask for real names, and she doesn’t, to my knowledge, know any of my email addresses. I also used a username I’ve never been known to use before but did allow for indexing.

Instead of marking my MyOpera and MD blogs private, I’ll probably just let them sit as is for now. I don’t care about Blogger and LiveJournal, but I still love MyOpera and MD too much to simply dump them. Besides, I have friends there. I posted the link on Facebook because that account is private, but made sure not to auto-tweet my posts. Not until I test the IP blocker on a friend’s IP. If I could know I can block trolls, then I can share my blog link more freely. For now, I’m only giving it to my closest friends in private.

I don’t like how the search feature doesn’t work or how I can’t allow commenting. There is a way, I guess, but it’s a complicated setup. I’m not big on comments anyway.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 24, 2011 Yesterday I listed 20 random facts about myself. One of them included my thoughts and opinions on the many corrupt law enforcement officials out there. I should add, however, that I have known a few good cops. Yes, there really are a few out there who don’t think donning a uniform and a badge makes them God. There are also some in which to them the job is about justice and not how many people they can “get.” I even knew one once (I lived next door to him) that told me, “I could waste my time putting just as much effort into going after someone with a joint or for something minor as I do with someone that might have raped, killed or molested some poor kid, but I don’t. Big guys are always my number one priority.”

Now that was a cop who protected and served. I’ll bet he’s still doing just that, too. I at least hope so anyway, and yes, I’m talking about Kim’s ex, Mark.

No one came to question, arrest or harass me in any way and if they did I slept right through it. I first fell asleep at around 4am, and then woke up a few hours later right as Tom was leaving for work, with a gassy belly. I took a Rolaids, laid back down and was fine. Only I couldn’t fall back asleep right away. I turned off the stereo’s white noise and switched to the portable sound machine turned down low. I could hear chirping birds and Jesse’s truck over it just fine. This was when I told myself, “You can’t keep living like this every time you’re on nights during times he has a job! You’re letting this bitch get to you all over again. Meanwhile, she’s going about what’s no doubt a stress-free life as usual and things are no doubt going well for her. Don’t let her win!”

Determined not to alter my life in any way on account of her, I turned the stereo back on, fell asleep about an hour later, and slept like a baby till almost 4pm. Well, make that “slept like a log” since babies only sleep a few hours here and a few hours there.

Tomorrow my body pillow should arrive. That and my court summons. I still can’t imagine what the charges could possibly be since I haven’t broken any laws. Whatever it is will have to be completely falsified and made up.

I wonder if the pigs have contacted Jesse, not that he’d necessarily tell us about it if they had.

I miss being able to track my blog visitors but I also like not seeing the troll. I mean I still know she’s reading it almost every day, but I like not being reminded of her existence until she tries to force it on me again on Formspring and by tweeting to me from her latest account.

When I was emailed more pornographic pictures from Andy I thought to myself, “Wow, this guy must be pissed at me for some reason.” Why else would someone send me something they know I’m not interested in? To each, their own, but porn simply doesn’t do anything for me. It doesn’t excite me, it doesn’t make me laugh, it doesn’t do anything at all. If anything most of it is cheap and trashy. So if one knows this, then why would they want to send it anyway? To annoy me? To get negative attention? To push me away? I don’t care what he does on Formspring; it’s his account after all. But any more emails I receive with picture attachments will be ignored.

When Nane asked that I stop sharing any sexual fantasies I have about her I was quick to oblige. She wasn’t asking much of me and as a friend and I didn’t want to annoy or offend someone I cared about. Or come off as perverted. I know Andy’s no pervert, but excessive porn or sexual talk can make one appear that way after a while and not complying with simple requests makes one come off as a less than a true friend.

These days, however, I no longer care about Nane. I’m not going to spite her in the end, but I am going to eventually cut her off my friend list. I simply cannot care about those who obviously don’t care about me. I’m tired of part-time friends who tell me all these seemingly believable stories as to why they haven’t been in touch. After a while, you pull back and realize it’s one thing after another after another. Hey, we all have one thing after another going on with us, but I don’t go 6 weeks or more without at least dropping a quick hello on those I consider friends. I’m just not sure when I should drop her. This month? The next? Or maybe the next? And do I drop her family with her? Irene? I’m not sure I like the idea of dropping Irene.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 23, 2011 Still nothing scary in Dreamland. We might have even been driving around Florida again but I’m not sure.

Better to be paranoid for nothing than not worried for a reason. I mean I’d prefer to be stress-free with nothing bad waiting around the corner even though I could kick myself for contacting her in the first place. But once again there’s a huge difference between me and her. I only said things she didn’t want to hear and was annoying at best. She displayed her old vengeful self by dragging the police into it when just like last time, nothing was actually done that could harm her. And if anyone should know that one doesn’t actually have to do anything to someone in Arizona in order to be in deep shit it’s me. I have looked at the situation over and over again from a logical standpoint and I still don’t see how I could’ve done anything illegal. But even so, if anyone’s going to try to arrest, question, serve, or extradite me it will probably be this week. This may be an entirely different case and I may now be in a different state, but they seem to subpoena for info one week and arrest the next.

Then again, maybe not. I just looked back in my old journals. It looks like I called the black bitch from the motel somewhere between December 23rd - 25th, then they arrested me on January 6th. The holidays might’ve slowed things down, though.

I guess all I can do is hope that the pigs aren’t hell-bent on “getting the last word” and having the final say in the matter of this sick hater. I’ve been praying this bitch off several times a day but the rest is up to fate. If God wants to serve me on a platter to this bitch and the pigs, He will. I hope not, though. I hope this time around it’s me He protects. Especially from extradition and garnishing. If they want to serve me with a summons that I ignore and end up with a bench warrant for, fine, so long as they don’t arrest or garnish me.

Not all crimes get you arrested before being subpoenaed, though. The only time I was arrested for prank phone calls was when I called the pig that got one of my old numbers and then Laurie H. Gee, what a surprise, huh? Still, you can’t really compare Massachusetts to Arizona because what’s usually a misdemeanor in MA is a felony in AZ. Like you couldn’t compare prank calls in Springfield to S. Deerfield. As I learned, S. Deerfield took them a lot more seriously than Spfld.

IDK, maybe it’s just me but I don’t think people should go running to the cops unless they’ve either been harmed or have been ripped off or something serious like that. I don’t think they should be used to run to just because someone pisses you off with something they may’ve said or written. But again, maybe that’s just me.

If they serve anything I don’t get, the default warrant will probably be out and about by January or February, so next spring I’ll see if I can do a warrant check on myself. I’m guessing it would be from Arizona if there was anything because that’s where she lives. In other words, if someone in Michigan threatened someone in Kansas, it’s Kansas that would run the investigation, not Michigan. So if the Michigan person is ever ordered to appear in court, they would have to appear in Kansas, not Michigan.

Why couldn’t this have happened when he wasn’t working if it was going to happen?! When he wasn’t working there was less to lose. I mean there’s more to lose the less money you have because that’s just part of being poor, but when you do have money, you risk losing that money. They can’t garnish Unemployment checks.

I also hate sleeping in the daytime when he’s not here because I may not hear anything potentially dangerous due to the sound machines blaring, like if Jesse came to tell me to get the hell out due to a fire in the area.

I am such a screw-up at times! The reason Andy couldn’t see my entire blog is that I accidentally – and stupidly – sent him the link to just one entry and not the whole blog.

Looks like we’ll have temps in the 70s and 80s throughout the rest of the month and no rain.

I never really bothered with New Year’s resolutions before but I guess if I had to have one this year it would be to stop trying to make my dreams a reality. I’m not only too old to be chasing silly dreams, but if anyone should know that dreams either don’t come true or are nothing you envision them to be if they do come true, it’s me. Therefore I’ve decided never to bother to try to move to Florida. This is where we live, this is where we’ll stay. It doesn’t mean I might not check out a bigger, newer rental in a retirement community someday as I miss living in a real house, but I don’t think we’ll ever be able to afford that. Retirement communities are expensive unless you’re willing to take an apartment there.

Random Facts About Me seems to be a popular personal blog theme lately, so I thought I’d throw out some more facts about myself just for fun, even if I may’ve mentioned them before and not everyone will agree with them all.

I love bright colors and find earth tones boring as hell.

I will drink orange juice but I hate anything else with orange.

I am very mistrusting of those in law enforcement not just after I myself was lied to by some cops and a public defender, but because of all the stories of corruption I’ve heard. The dual standards and the fact that the police can break many of the same laws we’re supposed to abide by (lying, speeding, etc.) and the fact that they get such light penalties for the crimes they may commit if not away with them altogether, greatly confuses and concerns me. So does their thirst for “power” and “control.”

I have no faith in the justice system after watching countless criminals who have committed acts of violence, theft, fraud or other serious crimes get light sentences if any at all, while those who haven’t actually done anything other than do/say things that are simply seen as “mean” or “annoying” by some people get the book thrown at them.

It greatly disturbs me that there are countries that kill women and children simply for wearing the “wrong” hairstyle or for trying to escape an abusive spouse.

I get most of my story ideas from dreams.

I would love to see some kind of natural disaster kill a third or half of the world’s population due to how overpopulated the world is becoming as long as none of my loved ones or friends are killed.

I think some of the cheapest and basic foods should be free like apples.

I believe people should be given jobs based on their qualifications, not their gender, age, race, nationality or sexual orientation.

I miss owning a pool and swimming!

Spam can simply be marked as spam as annoying as it is, but I wish the law would crack down harder on phishing and fraud-related emails.

I love Foster Farm’s honey BBQ chicken wings. I could eat a whole bag every day.

I love all kinds of music but am not big on metal, gospel, jazz or classical.

Sleeping during the daytime when Tom’s not home makes me nervous unless it’s raining out.

I wish I could be “normal” but know that normal is overrated and boring.

I drink about 2 liters of water a day.

I wonder if I should dump Nane, a woman in Germany I have a crush on who only seems to want to be my friend just some of the time.

I love rodents and wish dogs didn’t exist. I love to “hug” my giant rat.

I fear growing old and dying alone.

I also fear something bad happening to me that drives me to suicide within the next decade.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 22, 2011 We tried installing StatCounter on my MyOpera blog but it’s not working. We followed their step-by-step instructions, but if it’s going to track anything it sure is taking its sweet time in doing so.

Not much else going on here today. Just the usual – grocery shopping, laundry, etc. We did order me a new body pillow, though. This one’s made of gel fiber instead of cotton fluff.

We rotated my mattress again so I hopefully won’t have to keep waking up with the same lower backaches I’ve been waking up with every day until I get a new one.

The daily saw buzzing started up about an hour ago. The sun’s going down now so maybe they’ll give it a rest soon. It may not be a saw, though, that I’m hearing. Maybe it’s some other power tool. I only know it’s coming from the west side of the property. I feel bad for those with parcels of land closer to it unless they don’t mind.

Got the sound machines going so I don’t have to listen to the dogs for the next 8 hours when Jesse takes off for the night.

Would love to hear from the “contest” lady again. I’m amazed she’s been following me this long unless it’s someone connected to her and that contest. But she was the one that left the “shiny bra” comment. Today she left this:

“This is me in my shiny sequin bra. It makes me feel so sexy, mature and sophisticated. My husband adores me in it! Lingerie is a nice way to unwind and feel good after having to wear work clothes all day.”

That’s when I remembered the lingerie “contest” I was paid $10 to submit a picture for through MT. The one where the “winner” was a professional model. Still, 10 bucks is 10 bucks. I’d do it again. :)

And of course I never know what may be connected to my past legal tormentors. The stress is lower at night and on weekends, but it’s still a menacing cloud hanging over me that I live with, wishing it was over but knowing it’s not. Once again I just wish I knew what they had in mind and just how the hell a handful of blog entries or anything I said in the blog is supposed to be illegal enough to warrant a look-see into my Google account from the pigs. Tom said he doesn’t think they’ll try to arrest me or serve me any summons, but that doesn’t mean someone might not try to question me as a “courtesy” or that other little things may not happen even if they’ll still be manageable.

Well, like I said before, I’ve moved on. Meanwhile, the pigs and the sick bitch that just can’t seem to let go can do what they want because just like I promised a decade ago, I will never again fall victim to them. Not any crazy, vindictive civilian. Not any corrupt, power-tripping pig.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 21, 2011 Feeling pretty yucky today. :( I was up 18 hours and only slept 6. So once again I’m tired and feeling kind of out of it. After 10 minutes of working my arms/abs, and another 12 or so on the treadmill, I had to stop because I simply didn’t have the energy to go on. I suppose I could’ve pushed myself if I’d really wanted to; I was just too run down to try.

Yes, the stress is still there. I’m still sure this is why I haven’t been getting enough sleep, why my heart is racing, why I feel dizzy and lightheaded at times, and why my stomach’s still a bit off. No matter how many times I try to tell myself not to worry until and if something happens on account of this obsessively hateful bitch, it’s not that easy. And no matter how much of a record she herself may have the pigs aren’t going to even look at that or care. All that matters, unfortunately, is that she’s black and she’s already nailed me in court once before. Now that she’s made her little complaint it’s out of her hands and in the hands of an agency filled with a bunch of people high on power play. We call this agency the police department.

I can’t just breathe a sigh of relief and consider myself safe if nothing happens by the weekend or next week or the week after. These things take time to play out. It can take months before I’m summoned and if for some reason they can’t get our address (though I don’t know why they couldn’t) that doesn’t mean they didn’t still issue a summons which would still be just as valid as if someone handed me the damn thing.

And I still can’t imagine what they think they have on me! They have no grounds for spam, slander or libel and this is why I’m greatly concerned that the bitch and company may’ve fabricated something threatening. I still can’t believe the pigs would subpoena Google if they didn’t think they had a case. But what case????? I’m not going to check to see if there’s a warrant for my arrest because the pigs are probably tracking my online activity. There may not be one, though, unless they send a summons I either don’t get or that I ignore. It’s anything federal I’m worried about because then if they pull us over on the road for a busted taillight and automatically run a check on us, I’m fucked. Same with if she successfully sues me even though I still can’t imagine what they have on me unless it’s fabricated. That scares me more than anything.

We’re also wondering why AT&T was here yesterday. Tom said they were parked by the fork when he got home. The connection’s been the best it’s been in ages and it still is, but we still don’t get what they came out for.

On top of the shit sickos in Arizona, Molly and what’s probably her friend Sarah P are bugging me again. They left comments on my blog yesterday and now Molly’s asking Andy questions on Formspring and following him as a way of forcing me to acknowledge her existence, so to speak. Now he too, will be stalked for years and maybe even the rest of his life, though he’s not into blogging or Facebook. Just Formspring, Twitter and Fleetwood Mac fan sites.

Sometimes I miss the days when the internet was little more than stores and email, but no social sites or blogs! I sometimes think of just deactivating and or abandoning my online life altogether but I don’t want to dump the good people that care. I could always keep in touch by just email with Andy, Aly, Kim and Christine, but IDK. Getting rid of my online life would get rid of some stress, but it would also get rid of some fun, too. The only good this stress is doing is that it’s knocking my appetite out and my weight down.

I also miss the days when my biggest stresses were noise or some shit like that. I was doing so much better till I had to get that message from Google! :( I was so much happier and it was so nice not having so much stress on us. But now I worry that this sicko’s going to steal my freedom and our money all over again while God ignores my prayers for protection. I just wish I knew what – if anything – is going to happen. That’s the only way we can know the best way to fight back. But if we’re ever taken by surprise, then we might not have time to fight. Or run.

Nane is still continuing to ignore me yet she’s added another picture and responded to other people who have posted to her wall. She seems to be ignoring Irene, too. I’d say I’ll definitely be dumping her at some point; the question is just a matter of when. A part of me wants to dump her right now, but another part is curious to see how long she’ll ignore me and what her excuse will be if I ever hear from her again. These days I like to surround myself with true friends or just acquaintances and not part-time, phony “friends” that appear to care one minute and disappear the next and back and forth and back and forth.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 20, 2011 Didn’t sleep as long as I’d have liked to and am still a bit tired, but at least I’m over the runs that hit me yesterday till I popped some anti-shit pills. My heart’s racing a bit too. I guess I’m still a bit anxious.

Someone’s already fucking with me on MyOpera where I’m currently allowing for anonymous comments. Probably Molly who’s now latched onto Andy and will probably add him to her lifelong stalking career. She asked him why he “talked about me to a girl who doesn’t know her.” Andy just gave a goofy answer. She’s following him now too, on Formspring and me on Twitter with her latest account. I blocked her so she can’t tweet to me, and I just might disallow anonymous comments on MyOpera. Not sure yet. I don’t want her to have as many means of contacting me, but I also don’t want to let her control me. I started to delete past posts on MD and MyOpera cuz of the black bitch, but that would be letting her control me and letting her win so I left everything intact. Besides, if she’s that determined to victimize me all over again, I can’t stop her from trying. All I can do is not let her win. If anyone ever legally kidnapped me or garnished our wages, that’s not something we could “ignore,” but subpoenas, summons, calls, threats and bribes could be.

Back to who’s fucking with me. There were 3 comments.

“Didn’t know you were back here! May rejoin since some others are back on here. LOL. I don’t think the real deal would talk about that with you. LOL.”

Didn’t think the real deal would talk about that with me? What the hell does that mean???

“Gosh, you’re self-centered. You really think too highly of yourself.”

This one seems the most Mollyish.

“Why don’t you add the picture of you in your “shiny bra” to your photos? It really is too funny!”

What shiny bra??? I wonder if it’s the black bitch or an associate referring to the topless picture embedded in one of my old Blogger entries. I was starting to think just how stupid it would be of her to have someone (if it isn’t her) fuck around with me while she’s trying to “get” me, but that’s exactly what she did the last time. She fucked with me a million times more than I ever fucked with her before and during the time she used the law to plot against me.

I don’t know if I’ll stay there or go elsewhere just yet. But for now, this is where I’ll be. Christine is so happy I’ll still be blogging, LOL. She really is the #1 fan of my boring/stressful life.

FF finally stopped crashing whenever I’d log onto Facebook, and all is running smoothly in PC land. Well, smoother at least.

After I corrected the mathematical error I made saying I’d go belly-up at 220 pounds when it should’ve been 800 pounds if I gained 20 pounds a year for life, Tom pointed something out to me and that’s that unless I kept eating more and more every time I gained weight, I really would stop gaining at some point. I couldn’t eat more than 2000 calories a day, for example, because I’m small and so my calorie needs are less than average. I’d probably still hit the 200-pound marker, though, if I ate 1500 calories without exercise and 2000 with exercise, so I guess I’ll continue to at least maintain my weight for now even if 135 is too much. I just don’t have the willpower it takes to put up with the hunger that would go with cutting my calories to 1000 so I could lose weight.

Sent a letter off to my parents. They should get it on Monday.

Mary’s release date is now pulled up to 12/7/12. So unless they pull another nasty on her in the end, she’s closing in on the final year.

I’d say the flaxseed is definitely speeding up my hair growth. I wasn’t sure at first but adding a tablespoon or two to my oatmeal really does seem to help. Just wish it wasn’t so curly. At this length, it’s hard to gather it in a ponytail cuz the curls keep springing back, LOL.

Nane’s back on Facebook and still ignoring me. Guess what, though? I’m ignoring her back! :) She loaded 71 new TR pics. Her face is looking worse and worse with each pic! I think that’s mostly cuz they’re getting closer and clearer so they show her imperfections more. Great bod, but not even I have all that wrinkling and I’m only 5 years younger. She’s skinny, though, and wrinkles are more prominent in skinny people. Nice falsies too, but her hair is too light and her nose is too wide. She does have a prettier eye color than my slimy moss-green eyes.

Later…

Was thinking about the shitster down under me and I really hope I’m not just kidding myself in vowing to ignore her. What if she and the law simply won’t let me ignore her?

Fuck it! I refuse to ever again fall prey to this vengeful hater who’s nothing but a white supremacist in reverse! She wouldn’t let me ignore her for 7 years. Then one day I took my life back and I ain’t giving it back to the sicko all over again under any circumstances! Not now. Not ever. She can keep the obsession and the hate going, and while I’ll always hate the bitch in return, I’m moving on. Period. I’ll never contact her again in any way and I’ll never let her victimize us again through the law or by any other means! I have not committed any federal offenses that could get me arrested no matter what state I live in, and if they’ve filed city or state charges, that can’t get me arrested either. Last time around the state was against me. Being that it was the state grand jury was why they could fetch me from Maricopa since that was still Arizona. So they’re welcome to send all the summons they want. I will not see them in court again and I don’t care how “challenged” the twisted pigs may feel or how hungry for power and control they may be on account of this hateful, sick bitch.

What I mean by “challenged” is that the pigs may’ve read that I refuse to be railroaded by them ever again and that might have put them in an oh-yeah?-we’ll-see-about-that-kind-of mood. But if they’ve taken that statement as an invitation to try a little harder to fuck with me, that’s their problem.

I also heard from Maliheh and Alison. Maliheh urged me to please not think it’s me that’s been causing her lack of messages. Her right hand has been falling asleep and she’s been sleeping a lot. I guess she can’t convince her doctor to test her. She asked if I’d help her with a complaint she wants to lodge against them and I said I would.

She also said that from now on if she hears barking after midnight she’s calling the cops. LOL, good for her.

As for Aly, the poor girl’s cancer has spread and she has to have more surgery and return to radiation since the pill was a waste of time and money, as she put it.

I was a bit dismayed when she said she gave up on praying since it wasn’t doing her any good, not just for her sake but because I wonder if my praying to keep the sick bitch from ruining my life all over again is doing me any good.

Later…

Kim said she was the one who left comment #1 about rejoining MyOpera. The “self-centered” comment was probably Molly, and the more I think about it, the “shiny bra” was probably her friend. Maybe Sarah P. Whoever it was couldn’t have been referring to the topless picture of myself after all because I checked and it’s in that album.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 19, 2011 Mentally I am utterly terrified right now. Physically I am sick. It’s all I can do to get myself to sit up in this chair and write this. I keep trying to remind myself it’s probably not real and I’m just being paranoid.

It’s the evil witch down in Arizona that victimized me through the law a decade ago. I checked my Gmail account late last night and found a message from Google saying the Police Department subpoenaed for account info. The town the PD is in is where she lives! I have never written or sent one single threat or racial slur and I am so terrified that I could be in the process of being set up right now. I’m no legal expert, but why would they subpoena for info unless they thought they had some kind of case against me?!?! And what case? What could I have possibly said or done that’s illegal? I have said things not everyone would agree with, but illegal? No way! Not unless somehow, someway, my blog or email accounts were hacked and manipulated and I already know they have been hacked in the past.

I am so, so petrified of being extradited or sued even though I didn’t use last names and never talked about anything that wasn’t already a matter of public record that anyone could look up! The thought of this sick, hateful, vindictive bitch destroying our lives all over again for God knows how many years makes me utterly sick to my stomach! I have prayed and prayed for God to protect me from her but it’s hard to put much faith in Him. Remember, He already let her have a go at me once. So how can I count on Him to protect me this time? When I said I feared something up there would yank the carpet out from under our feet for the millionth time I never thought that would be because of her, but it was once because of her, so I guess if something can happen once it can happen twice. Maybe I’m being paranoid but I don’t think so. I just don’t think so. If they’re looking at records they’ve got to have something up their sleeve. And why do I think the message waiting on the phone Tom leaves home with me is the police department asking me to call them back? I can’t figure out how to retrieve the damn message, though. sighs It’s going to be one looong day until Tom gets home. I would never call them, though. It’s not only a bad idea to talk to the police, but you also can’t trust a damn thing they say.

I woke Tom up when I got the message because I was freaked out by it. He tells me I’ll be alright and that he thinks it’s got to do with my email and not my blog. I disagree. Blogger and Gmail are both powered by Google and like I said, she lives in that town. She also works for the city and that has me worried in itself. That’s part of how she was able to make a mountain out of a molehill in 2000. That and being friends with “Mr. Biased Crimes” in a state that favors minorities.

After barely 5 hours of sleep, I woke up with the runs. It was time to put those diarrhea pills to use after all. I am not only exhausted, but I’m both hungry and nauseous at the same time. I tried to get a little oatmeal into me, but that’s all I can handle so far in the 4 hours I’ve been up.

When I checked my stats I found that I had a visitor from Scottsdale, AZ. A friend? I ran the IP and it came up as broadband and not corporate. They were there for less than a minute.

If it’s about something I said in my blog that they don’t like, why haven’t they had Blogger just shut my blog down?

Like I said, I’m utterly terrified because I know that if the cops really want to get to me that bad, they can and they will. If they sued me and garnished his wages we’d be as fucked as we were on September 16th. We’d also be fucked if they arrested and extradited me. Who the hell would bail me out this time around???

I just can’t imagine what it is I may’ve done that’s so bad, but we’re talking Arizona. A state that treats just about everything like murder and that favors its minorities. I don’t know that I could simply “ignore” any subpoenas I may get because there’s a fictitious “victim” involved who’s black while I’m white. I totally feel like a fish in a bowl. :( All I can hope is that they don’t fish me out of that bowl but I fear they will. Why else would they subpoena records??? I can only guess it’s to see where I live so they can either arrest me or have me served. And because I don’t know what they think they have on me, I don’t know what the charges are or how serious they could be.

Yesterday I swear I heard a car door and thought someone drove down here. It sounded close like maybe up at the fork where the electrical box is, suggesting they could’ve been checking to see where the internet wiring ran to. Or at least verify with Jesse that I live here. I know this is CA and not AZ but that was the first step last time when the pig came with the “Robin Hatch” story to verify my identity. The next day was when they made the arrest.

Although we use our mailing address online and not our physical address, I know the pigs could find it if they wanted it bad enough. All they’d have to do is contact our IP. Couldn’t they find out who that is easily enough since they’re the only ones who service this area?

I am so stressed out right now and so terrified! Being extradited or sued would totally ruin us. Totally. But I can’t believe Arizona of all states would let this go or that they’d “move on.” I doubt they’re calling to tell me to shut my blog down or never refer to the case again. No, they’re calling to tell me what they want to charge me with, and if I haven’t already been summoned, I will be soon.

Every time I hear what I think may be an approaching vehicle my entire body tenses up. Someone drove up there yesterday morning while he was out, but it appeared to be an old white pickup from what I could see through the trees.

I was tempted to either deactivate my blog or delete most of the entries, but if the cops are checking me out, they’ve already seen what’s there. And what’s there isn’t really “deleted” forever. It would also make me look like I had something to hide and it would be letting her win, too. She won more than enough 11 years ago. I can’t let her win again. I just can’t. But how can I stop her without knowing what they have in mind and just what their plans are???

It’s probably unlikely Arizona would come to CA to arrest/extradite me, but if I ignored a subpoena to try to sue me (and I would mostly because I would have to), a judgment could still be issued against me even if I weren’t there and they could go after Tom’s wages because he’s married to me. :((((

Later…

After a few hours off I had another bout of the runs. I can’t believe this bitch is controlling my mind and body all over again! I’m so scared!!! God, please don’t let her seize control of my entire life once again! Please, please don’t let her control my freedom and bank account too, please! Please, please, protect me this time!

The phone just did that quick ding, ding, ding again which I thought meant someone left a message. But when I got up to check it said there were no messages. The phone is fully charged, so could it be a text message? Hmm… I still smell bacon, I’m afraid. But phone calls are nothing compared to lawsuits and that’s my biggest fear. They won’t care that I don’t work if they win any kind of a lawsuit for something I may’ve said; they’ll just sue Tom. Either that or they’ll demand I either go to work for this bitch or pay in the form of jail time.

I can’t believe that year after year people can email dozens of scams to people claiming they won the lottery and all that and need to pay a fee to receive their winnings, or asking them to cash bad checks, while the pigs investigate me simply for something I might’ve said that someone didn’t like. So much for my disclaimer doing me any good!

I haven’t had any nightmares, but chances are if they’re going to arrest me or file suit I won’t have any till the night before. The bad dreams are the ones that usually play out right away. It’s the good dreams that can take months or even years to come to pass.

Could the Florida dreams be a sign of where we’ll be running soon enough? But it can’t be. No need to run that far if we have to run to avoid an arrest and we don’t even have the money to get to Florida. If we had to run it would have to be to another country where they couldn’t garnish his wages, not that we’d be able to afford to do that either.

I’m breathing a little easier now that it’s the afternoon since pigs A, seem to like to serve most of their warrants in the morning, and B, like to wake me up while they’re at it.

It is sad, but definitely scary how much this sick bitch obviously hasn’t changed a bit. She’s still the same vengeful hater she always was. I am wishing like never before that I too was black!

Tom thought the message may be a scam at first. The only thing I thought was a bit strange was the fact that it was sent after 8pm. And who knows how long after the fact? If the pigs really investigated me it could’ve been days before the message was sent.

Maybe we should’ve killed ourselves after all. :( I know I would before I’d lose another dime or moment of freedom to this sicko.

I keep telling myself God won’t give me more than I can handle. He hasn’t yet even though it sure felt like He has at times. But no one lives forever. Sooner or later we’re all dealt something that we can’t handle and that kills us. Will this bitch be the death of me/us??? I mean, my logical side knows it’s a scam meant to scare me and well, it’s worked.

Later…

Feeling a lot better since Tom got home. The ding ding ding was just a stupid text message alert trying to sell us more minutes. :) I didn’t want to tell him this at first, but I finally told him that I had her on auto-send, and even though I was never trying to sell anything, didn’t hit her with over 1000 or even 100 entries, could the vindictive bitch be trying to get me for spam?

At first he was worried since that’s considered a federal offense, but according to his research, I should be ok. It’s commercial spammers they’re going after these days that send bulk volumes to tons of people.

At first we were hesitant to shut down my blog because we didn’t want it to look like I was trying to hide anything since I most certainly am not. But then we decided that maybe – just maybe – if the pigs see the blog doesn’t exist anymore and that I’m in another state, maybe they’ll focus on more important things like REAL criminals. I don’t know, though. I still think they may try to pull something. Again, Arizona doesn’t let go that easily. It’s a very relentless and unforgiving state. Besides, nothing I did for that damn state a decade ago was good enough. I sought out a therapist on my own, I did this, I did that, but nothing I did was good enough. The state and the people involved just had to lie, stab me in the back, and seek legal vengeance upon me anyway for something I didn’t even do.

As for slander; that’s something we definitely shouldn’t have to worry about. I not only don’t use full names but slander and libel are more aimed at those who are trying to profit and whose words have negatively affected one’s life in a significant way. Blogs aren’t usually targeted like newspapers because far fewer people read blogs than newspapers. That’s how certain trolls can get away with trashing full names like they do. A qualified person who should know better which Aly consulted with told her that while she may be annoying as hell, she’s still within the limits of the law. I think, though, that if the troll had any real intelligence, then she’d be more likely to go crossing lines.

Still, I don’t get how I can get dozens of phishing and fraud scams a day emailed to me along with millions of other people in this world, and this can go on year after year without anyone doing a damn thing about it. Tom says they’re throwing them in jail by the thousands, but then why are these scams still so commonplace? Why in the world would the pigs want to check my Google info (and we don’t know that Google actually complied and gave them that info, though I would guess they did), when you’ve got these serious and potentially dangerous scammers out there??? Where is the proper sense of priorities in this world?!

Tom is confident they can’t bust in here and arrest me and haul my ass down to Arizona and I hope he’s right. I was worried about a lawsuit at first, but the police don’t get involved with those, so if anyone’s about to spite me through the law it’s in a criminal way and not a civil way I would think.

We deactivated my blog on Blogger and may even shut down my Google account altogether. We’re not sure yet. I only opened the Gmail account for the sweeping and I haven’t been doing that lately, so there’s no real need to keep it open anyway.

I’m much too tired to decide on anything now and I need to wait and see what, if anything, the shitsters down south may try to pull on me. Meanwhile, she’s the one that’s still obsessed and that still can’t let go. She’s the one who wants to get mad, even, and spiteful. Me, I’m going to do what she wouldn’t allow me to do for nearly 7 years and ignore her completely for as long as I live. :)))

I’ve got more to write about but am exhausted. Hopefully, I’ll sleep a solid 10-12 hours after stupidly letting this bitch interfere with my sleep and nerves all these years later. She’s just playing with me and I’m letting my legal PTSD make me paranoid. That’s all.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 18, 2011 So sick of waking up with these lower backaches! Can’t wait for my new mattress, though it may be a few months.

Really worried that cock’s given up on disability and gone back to work even if it’s just under-the-table odd jobs. This is the second morning in a row he hasn’t been around. I yell at the fucking dogs, they shut up, but then 10 minutes later they’re at it again. In the past, they were always at their worst from November 1st to mid-April where they barked steadily from 5am - 9am, then on and off for the rest of the day, and Nov. is right around the corner. :( Well, I don’t see how anyone can consider that “not that bad” no matter where/how they grew up. That is just way too much to even attempt to get used to. Yesterday was one thing. After an early morning fit, all was quiet for 5-6 hours, then there was another shorter fit. That’s tolerable and livable, but consistency is not and I would think most people would agree and that the responsibility shouldn’t have to fall on me to keep someone else’s dogs in line. Where I’m from people kept their dogs/music to themselves.

I do whatever homework I can whenever I can, even though the choice may never be ours. Everything I’ve read so far supports what my dad said about adult communities; you can’t leave a dog in your yard 24/7 unattended to bark all it wants. Some places put a 15-20 pound limit on the dogs which must be household pets and not backyard buddies.

Tom mentioned people mowing and trimming trees – first of all, mowing doesn’t bother me unless it was for hours every day and most people don’t do that. Secondly, if the lots were about the size of Phoenix, how many trees could they possibly have to trim? So unless Tom’s against it for some reason I still think it may be better than rural, cuz he said it himself – who’s gonna have a decent rental all by itself in the middle of 10 acres or anything else big enough to keep the nearest dog at a far enough distance so it’s not as loud as these two? And the further off the grid we go, the more we gotta worry about sonic booms and hunters. I think the only problem that could arise in an adult community would be car stereos, car door slamming and me having to be careful not to blast my own music, though we wouldn’t get a place where their driveway ran alongside our place, I could use headphones and car stereos make no sense. If they don’t allow kids or incessant barking, why loud car stereos? As he also said, each community may be different. But I still think the basic rules are the same everywhere. Either way, $1400 a month for just a 2-bedroom PLUS utilities doesn’t sit well with me and I would guess that’s about what it would cost. Especially in this state.

I just know that my parents would never find barking even for just an hour a day “ok” or “acceptable” or “reasonable” in any way, nor would they ever live in a place where that was an issue. I know that’s just one retirement community, but again, can they really vary that drastically? Not from what I’ve read, they don’t.

As for losing weight at this age – it seems hopeless whether you starve or diet because all you can do is delay the inevitable and not stop it altogether. Sure you’ll lose weight if you starve, but unless you’re prepared to starve forever, something no human being can do, post-menopausal weight gain is NOTHING compared to the struggles we go through once we’re pushing 40. So there’s nothing I can really do about it other than just keep fit till I get slammed with a ton more weight and can’t get around as easily. I just dread having to have Tom trim my toenails. :( It’s not as easy for someone this short to carry a lot of extra weight as it is for someone his height. And think of the money it’d cost to keep upgrading to bigger clothes sizes. But like it or not, it’s going to happen someday. I’m really going to be 200 or more pounds. I can only choose to let it happen sooner than later, but it’s menopause that’s gonna get the final say. Young people, on the other hand, have a choice. They’re young enough for their metabolisms to work hard and fast enough to burn more than they take in even if that amount is “reasonable.” Whereas at this age all I have to do is eat “normally” and I’ll gain about 20 pounds a year for life. That puts me going belly-up at about 800 if I lived another 40 years. I think I’d gain closer to 40-50 pounds a year, though, for that “normal” eating.

Humans just weren’t meant to live past 30, and we gotta pay for what we were smart enough to beat.

Becky sent me this recent pic of the evil witch A. She’s sitting with a collie and 9 other people, 4 being older, 5 being women in their 20s or so. I’m guessing the young ladies are nieces since she’s gay. When I saw the dog it reminded me of the one she had nearly 30 years ago. She took me to her house one time with a few other girls. It was a tiny old dark dumpy cottage in the woods and she had a collie then, too. All I really remember about it was all the books. Just hundreds and hundreds of them on wall shelves.

She managed to find Linda, another one who attended VH, and I found Michelle for her. We sent her friend invites but haven’t heard from her yet. Linda’s friends with Maryellen who I’ve been told is the youngest A sister but I don’t remember her at all. All I remember is Margaret and I couldn’t stand her much more than I could stand Donna and Barb. Speaking of Barb, I sent another message saying: What, no apology yet? Go on and give it a try, you just might find I’m a rather forgiving person. :)

But the fact that I haven’t heard anything from her makes me think she’s either ignoring me or hasn’t checked her messages. Usually, if you’ve got the wrong person they tell you so. I just asked a Denise M with no identifiable profile pic if she attended VH and she replied back saying she hadn’t.

We’re going to upgrade me from my 9-year-old Windows XP operating system which is becoming obsolete and switch me to Windows 7 at some point. I just hope it helps solve all my incompatibility issues! I’m so sick of having to pick and choose what’s most important to me and having to do without some things. Why can’t all browsers and programs just get along?! But the day there’s such a thing as “computer peace” will be the day there’s world peace. In other words, it ain’t gonna happen. :(

Yesterday I unblocked the troll just to see if she was still as persistent as she usually is. There was nothing all day, but then shortly after 4pm, in it came from Formspring. I caught her at 12 seconds and blocked her by 33 seconds. It wasn’t fast enough to stop her from accessing my post titled Trolls & BFF, though. Gee, I wonder why she’d go for that one first? said with sarcasm So now she’ll be sent to the funny farm until I decide to send her to an adult toy store or something like that. :)

I dreamt Tom and I were flying somewhere and our round-trip tickets cost $1500. LOL, isn’t that a bit much? Only we were going to meet Nane where she worked which had to do with the airline and not a bank like in real life.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 17, 2011 Got to wake up to barking this morning. Fun, huh? But they surprised me by shutting up just a few minutes later.

It’s warm and sunny today and other than that early barking fit, it’s been pretty quiet.

I heard from Irene, but still nothing from Nane. I’m about ready to give up on her. What’s the point in sticking around for someone who’s never around herself?

I also heard from Christine and my sister. Although Tammy hates rats she fell in love with a couple of pictures of them hugging miniature teddy bears.

I figured out what’s causing FF to crash. It’s not FF itself, but Facebook instead.

Wish I had more to say but I just don’t. Andy’s back from Phoenix, I cleaned the kitchen and worked out, and now I’m going to work on one of my stories.

Took the troll’s block off for the day just to see how consistently she may be checking for access. Nothing so far today, but I’ll reblock her before bed.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 16, 2011 Got a busy day today. Gonna scale back to the last Firefox version and install a compatible form filler since it’s nice to have whether I’m sweeping or not.

Tom’s got to get the tape off the vents even though we’re going to wait another week or two to call Jesse down to fix the heater since we’ve been having warm weather.

We’re taking a break from eBay this weekend.

Wasn’t sure whether or not to call earlier and risk getting just my mom even though I’d prefer to talk to just Dad, or to call them in the evening when I knew I’d get both. I finally decided on calling earlier and got just Mom. She sounded chipper enough and was happy things are better for us. Dad was at the store but she said she’d pass the word on to him.

I let Nane know how I feel. I figured it would just keep eating at me if I didn’t. So I let her know I was hurt and confused by her removing the pictures I put on her wall, and by the part-time friendship we seem to have. I hope something will happen soon to convince me to either hang on or let her go and move on. She’s been on Facebook all weekend. I’m wondering if she broke up with her BF or they had a fight and that’s why she’s been there but not in the mood to talk. I’ll give it till around the 1st. If there’s nothing from her by then, then yeah, it’s time to just drop her and get on with my life. I don’t want friends that only want to be my friends just some of the time.

Starting to also wonder if something’s up with Maliheh. A week or two between messages from her is one thing, but 3 weeks? I hope she didn’t lose her place! Unless she planned to slowly drift away all along, and I realize that this is possible. People sometimes change with age, but I’ve got to remember that the Maliheh of 1991 who seemed friendly at first turned out to be a very cold-hearted person. Maybe she’s still that cold and despite what she’s told me maybe she planned to dump me all over again but just in a different way.

After giving myself a few days off from working out so that some of my extra leg muscles could break down, tomorrow it’s back to half-hour workouts. And house cleaning. :(

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 15, 2011 It’s been a fun and productive day so far, but first I will cover what’s got me both hurt and annoyed. Nane. Nane had the time to add friends and to remove the photos I placed on her wall but not to say hello. Just a quick, simple little goddamn hello. It didn’t have to be much if she was busy, but she could have at least said hello or poked me or done something.

So I guess that once again I got the wrong idea and had her figured all wrong. At first I thought she didn’t care, but then I found that she did. Or at least seemed to anyway. Yet just when I thought she may truly care after all, I now find that she doesn’t. I simply can’t believe she’s just too busy to keep in touch and that she’s not ignoring me for some reason. It’s sad too, and makes no sense. I survived something I didn’t think I would survive. I thought she’d be all happy and excited for me and our newfound good fortune regardless of how short-lived it may end up being, and that she’d want to fill me in on her trip, but apparently not. I just don’t get it, though. She said she hoped I’d be around when she got back. Well here I am and she’s been back for weeks now. I made it through, I’m here, I’m alive, but where the hell is she?

I’m closer than ever to dumping her. Not hearing regularly from someone you don’t have a thing for and that you’re not close to in any kind of a special way is one thing, but this is different. I always considered our friendship different than my friendship with most others like Kim and Alison. They’re strictly friends. Nane and I weren’t despite the fact that we’ve never met, never will meet, and are both with someone.

I left her one last message asking what was up. I never expected her to write as much as I do. I know most people don’t like to write. But a month or two in between messages is stretching it a bit. Not writing regularly is fine, making me feel ignored is not. That’s not just it, though; it’s the deleting of the photos and not taking the time to at least say she’s alive and well and is glad things are better for us that’s got me upset. Maybe she really is superficial just like someone suggested she is. Oberflächlich.

Onto better things. We went to Mel’s Diner and I got the same grilled pork chops I got the last time only they weren’t as good. Too tough and too salty. The meat around the bones was ok and less dry so I ate mostly that. The scrambled eggs and fried potatoes with green onions were great, though.

We also picked up the mail and did some grocery shopping.

That person finally paid for the dolls they won. Just in time too, or else they’d have gotten in trouble with eBay.

The propane guy didn’t get here till 6pm yesterday because he likes his tank to be close to empty because of the steep hills around here. It’s nice to be able to take another step out of poverty like that by being able to have it filled!

No sawing yesterday and not much Jesse either. I heard him 5 times, but not for long periods. He came and went in the truck, then on the motorcycle, and then I heard the ATV for a few seconds.

Later…

What a day it’s turned out to be with this damn computer! Ah, the incompatibility nightmares I go through!

First of all, I inserted pictures between paragraphs in my last entry and asked some people if they thought it was overkill and if I should go back to just 1 or 2 pics per post or what. Well, Alison said she thought it was a bit much and that it took away from the post. I went back and looked at my previous post after a while and I agree with her. It’s all photos and hardly any text. So back to 1-2 pics it is. I’ll still leave the previous entry intact and still welcome people’s opinions in the meantime.

After dealing with a different kind of backache than what I woke up with which quickly went away and that came on out of the blue for no apparent reason, the computer headaches began. It started when I got sick of Firefox crashing and decided to give Chrome a try. But Chrome doesn’t support the Yahoo! toolbar. So I then went to upgrade to the latest version of Firefox since I’m not a fan of IE. Next, I discovered that not only did the toolbar not work correctly for some reason there, but my old, free version of Robo’s form filler isn’t supported there either. So I rolled back to my old FF version and now everything’s a mess. I didn’t have everything I had on my toolbar bookmarked, so I tried to remember most of the important sites and made a doc file of all my sites and the usernames, emails, and passwords associated with them. I hadn’t told FF to remember them all, so now I’ve got a list and I don’t have to go and reset PWs and shit like that.

Then I find my recorder isn’t working and we realized this was because we reactivated my MagicJack phone a few hours earlier. The stupid computer recognizes both as sound devices and gets confused, so we had to tweak some settings there.

Tomorrow I’m going to look for another form filler as Robo’s not as important as it used to be since I’m not sweeping anymore, then I’ll jump back up to the latest FF version to be safer from hackers.

I was glad to be able to get the same number I had before as it’s easy to remember. This thing may have a lag, but I like that it’s a real phone and that Tom and I can both talk to my folks if we want. I don’t have to worry about minutes, long-distance fees, or having to go outside for better reception either. If you’re a friend of mine and you’d like the number and don’t already have it, just ask.

Believe it or not, I got absolutely no sweet treats at the grocery store this morning. I usually get them once or twice a week, but I simply don’t crave them on this high-protein diet. It’s a pity, though, to have cut out sweets, switched to a 0-calorie coffee creamer and worked out regularly just to still be fat. :(

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 14, 2011 I’m getting sicker by the minute of these part-time friendships I’ve got going with some people that I’m supposedly “close” to or at least somewhat close to. I don’t want to dump them, of course, because no one’s obligated to be my buddy full-time and because I’m sure they must have their reasons for staying away, but it gets old. It just gets so old.

I hardly hear from Maliheh anymore, and it’s been nearly a month with Nane. After a week of not being around on Facebook, her picture is back to appearing there which tells me she’s checking in today. But the fact that she can’t even drop me a quick hello a little more often than she does really annoys me. It’s time to give these people a taste of their own medicine for once and that means that when I do finally hear from them, they won’t hear from me for a month or so, so they can see what it’s like. Sadly, though, they probably won’t even notice much or care. But still, just like Molly’s degrading herself in a sense by seeking those out who don’t want to know her, I’m not going to belittle myself by jumping to reply to “friends” the instant I hear from them while they make me wait forever for their replies.

I posted a note to my wall about being sick of part-time friends and wishing they’d at least drop me a quick hello a little more often and customize it so only Nane sees it.

Decided to stop the hourly workouts. All it’s doing is building more muscle, not burning fat. My legs need a break anyway as they feel like these dead weights I’m lugging around. I’ve built up so much muscle in my legs that I’m losing flexibility. Since I can’t build my entire body up in the way that I could if I had weights, and since I can’t lose weight unless I starve, I may as well do just a half-hour every other day since all I can do is maintain my current weight. That’s all I should need to maintain my weight and keep my joints healthier so long as I don’t go eating like a pig.

My waist is fairly small now and I have a tiny tight ass, but my legs and hips still seem huge. I can’t even get my stomach as flat as I used to be able to get it, though it’s close.

I still wonder if something’s going on with me. I’m thirsty all the time, peeing all the time and nothing I do seems to jump-start my metabolism. I’m sick of the backaches too, but we’re pretty sure it’s my sagging mattress. When we’re younger we can get away with the lack of support, but we need more support the older (and fatter) we get. I kind of miss coil spring mattresses. Waterbeds are the most comfortable but they’re a pain. Foam breaks down and causes sagging and air mattresses can leak.

Got a little nervous yesterday when I saw there was a message from a local area code. Not sure how to retrieve messages from that phone, all I could do was hope it wasn’t the temp company calling to say his job had ended, even though he was currently at work.

But all was fine when he got in. In fact, he said that they’ve been training him to do work done by regular employees and not by temps. So I’m trying to stay positive but don’t want to get my hopes up knowing how many times in the past we’ve had the carpet yanked from under us.

I also don’t want to spend money on things unless we really need them. An occasional treat like going out to eat and getting some incense made up that I’m still addicted to every now and then is ok, though. Since it’s been so damn long we’re going to go out to a diner this weekend we really liked that we first went to right before he got laid off last March.

Anyway, the call turned out to be another job offer, LOL, and he called to let them know he was unavailable. They said to let them know if he ever needed a job.

Two grand in savings would bring comfort because then if one of the computers went out in a way that wasn’t worth fixing, we could get a new one. Same with the car. We could get some old used junker if we had to with 2-3 grand. Tom usually fixes whatever goes wrong with the car which has been good to us so far since we got it a few years ago, but if God forbid there was ever an all-out engine failure, we’d be screwed.

Ten grand would be the ultimate comfort in security because that’s a year’s rent. I just can’t see even two grand happening right now, though, even though they’re talking at work about overtime that has the potential to bring in 45K a year.

I’d love to snap my fingers and be in a REAL house in a Florida retirement community where it’s always summer, but it may have to wait and it may be worth waiting for depending on what happens with the job. Yes, I hate the cold, but we don’t have real winters here and we don’t want to throw away opportunities that may never again come knocking.

For now, it’s nice to know our worst problems are a new family of mice to have to deal with (yeah, we still gotta deal with trailer life and the bum living that goes with it), and whatever racket I gotta hear from Jesse today. He wasn’t too bad yesterday, but I still heard things besides whatever landscaping, renovating or building is going on in back – ATVs, motorcycles, barking, etc. Of all the lazy cocks in the world we just have to live with one that can’t sit still for long. The daily saw ritual is about to start any minute, too.

Later…

Jesse left in the truck as soon as I posted my last entry and he just came back. Let me guess… now it’s time for engine gunning, bulldozing and maybe a little running around on the ATV or the dirt bike, right? At least there’s been no sawing yet.

You know you’ve had it rough when you’re excited about getting your main propane tank filled! Yes, they’ll be here to fill it anytime now. :) And from the sound of it Jesse’s chosen the ATV. :((( Just what the fuck is this guy doing so damn much of the time??? I hope it rains like crazy this winter but that’ll just cause more bulldozing and more of his little truck dance. He sometimes runs the damn thing over his driveway to smooth out ruts and his going back and forth in it can get just as annoying as all his other vehicles I have to hear.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 13, 2011 How did I go from winning thousands of dollars worth of stuff each month to winning absolutely nothing at all??? My only guess is that damn show that featured professional sweepers and upped my competition even more. Been giving sweeping a break since it isn’t getting me anywhere lately.

Had weird dreams last night. We were looking at other rentals, talking to someone about moving to Florida, and then Tom came home from work with a bloody face saying work was “fine” and that I “shouldn’t have let him put his bed by that wall.” Only the place we were living in during this dream looked nothing like this place. It was a two-story place that sort of resembled the house I grew up in.

I don’t know what these dreams could mean. Probably nothing. But sadly, Alison’s another dream premonitioner just like me and has been having dreams about needing to restart radiation therapy. I’m hoping right along with her that her dreams will be wrong!

Kim and I were laughing about the different ideas for sites we were having the troll redirected to. She came up with Ray Charles’ Hit the Road Jack, LOL. So she’s got that, Aly’s got Bye Bye Bye, and I’ll be sending her to a YouTube video of the Funny Farm song, hahaha! Yeah, I change it every week or two knowing she’s making multiple checks a day to see if there’s any loophole she can slip through. That loophole will come when her IP# changes, so that’s why I’m checking stats regularly. If she’s still jobless, living with mommy and with nothing but too much time on her hands in her late 20s, I doubt that will change anytime soon.

Now I can go back to using photos from my Photobucket albums which is most convenient for the animated ones since the troll is not around to suck up my bandwidth by opening every single fucking entry 50 times a day. I still have to wonder, though; what makes people so obsessed like that? It’s strange too, because usually, those who are obsessed with us have a sexual interest in us. I guess there could be a million reasons for one to behave as she does. If she was rejected really badly at age 3 or something, that right there could be enough to mess up her wiring for life, but who knows what kind of life she’s led and what’s happened to her. It’s just sad that one could lack so much self-respect that they felt the constant need to try to make those like them that don’t want anything to do with them. I guess they get some sort of a sick turn-on from it as do women who are attracted to abusers.

Yesterday I had a whopping 2000 calories and totally made a pig of myself. I said to myself, “Great. Now I really won’t know if the double workouts are helping.” But even though I fully expected to be up a pound or two, I was the same.

Tom contacted eBay about the lady who still hasn’t paid for the two dolls she won; presumably, because she couldn’t get the combined shipping she wanted. For some reason, she also wanted to do business outside of eBay. eBay should reimburse us the fees if they haven’t paid by the weekend, and then we’ll leave them negative feedback.

That’s some friend Eileen is to just drop her life and leave her hubby to accompany a friend to Russia so she can adopt a baby sooner. It takes years to adopt an American baby and I guess not all good things are worth waiting for after all in some cases. It’s sad that no one wants older kids. If I were looking to adopt I’d want older kids. IMO, infants are the worst. You can’t tell a newborn to shut the fuck up and let you sleep, but an 8-year-old would get it. Older kids can also feed themselves and they don’t need to shit in diapers. They don’t usually scream for 5 hours a day either and they have sense enough not to drink your Draino or squeeze your rat to death, LOL.

Later…

Life is still running smoothly but my God I am so sick of the saws buzzing every single fucking day that it isn’t raining or blazing hot! Saws, hammers, other power tools - it just gets old.

Then Jesse came down after an hour of someone in back sawing away at God knows what on his ATV with the dogs chasing him. He came down the front and went up the path in back. What was that all about? Just to see the place up close since it’s been a while? To annoy me by reminding me of his existence and that Tom and I living ALONE on a piece of property is just a dream?

But like it or not we’re going to be hearing more of Jesse now that we’re getting further into the fall. Well, I am anyway, since I’m the one who’s usually home.

So much for being able to trust my blog’s auto-publisher. I had an entry queued up that ended up being tossed in my draft folder instead of published and so I had to publish it manually.

I’m going to go watch a movie even though I should be working on my book and Jesse will probably do something to distract and annoy me.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 12, 2011 Went down a pound, but it’s too soon to say it’s because of the double workouts. Oh, to be able to find a way to have 1500 calories a day and still lose weight! But until and if I ever find that way, I have to cut down to 1000 or less and that’s way too hard on me.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 11, 2011 Not much to update on other than that we’re having a mix of sun and rain. Right now it’s raining, but later the sun will be out and it will be in the 70s. Then the next few days it will be in the 80s.

That’s it, for now, other than that I started working out twice a day. I’m doing two half-hour workouts on the treadmill, and then I work my arms and abs. I’m just curious to see if it will boost my metabolism and cause my weight to go down, but I doubt it will. I think I could work out 8 hours a day and still not lose weight unless I starve. But I still prefer the negatives of being fat as opposed to the constant hunger and fatigue that would come with starving.

Later…

They’re coming! The propane people are coming! Yes, this Friday we will no longer have to switch back and forth between little 5-gallon tanks every other week. It cost us $250 for 100 gallons but it should last for months (it better). So no more little tanks until the next time he gets laid off which hopefully won’t be before April, and if it is, hopefully we’ll have enough money saved by then to hold us over till he’s once again eligible for Unemployment. I know it may fall along the lines of negative thinking but after 4 years of struggling and 3 layoffs, how can I believe this is it and that we’re finally on our way up to stay? Or at least to stay for longer than a few months?

Gave the rat a bath with the baby shampoo recommended online. Instead of holding him under a small stream of water trickling in the tub, I filled the sink with warm water. He struggled a bit, but not too much. He liked it best when I was lathering him up.

Still having trouble focusing on my writing. I’ve got the ideas in my head; it’s just focusing long enough to get myself to put much of them into print that I’ve been having trouble with lately.

Love how I can schedule my blog entries for later publication. I think I’ll publish this part tomorrow morning even though it’s late morning on Tuesday right now. That way the entries will be more evenly spaced out.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 10, 2011 Our journals, diaries - or whatever we want to call them - really are our BFF:) No matter what we tell them, they never judge us. They never tell us we’re wrong about our feelings or that we should do things a certain way. These days they’re even better when we can block trolls from being able to view what we otherwise don’t mind sharing with most others.

After a short quiet spell, the troll started harassing poor Kim and Aly again, leaving harmless but stupid comments. That’s not the point, though. It’s not what she says; it’s the fact that she’s leaving comments after being told not to contact them. Being followed and contacted at every single site you join, harmless or not, really has a way of putting the creep in creepy. Yet as dumb as the troll is, she’s obviously aware of her actions and that they’re wrong as you can see for yourself on her own blog.

I told them about that site that lets you block IP numbers at sites that allow for the insertion of coding and so now she’s blocked from their favorite blogs. I didn’t realize at first that you could choose where to have trolls redirected. I thought that was part of the upgrade, but it turns out that only having a customized “fuck off” page is part of the upgrade. Therefore I decided to send her to a place more meaningful other than their own default redirect page which leads to a site that sells clocks. I sent her to her own damn blog, LOL. That oughta confuse the fucktard to end up there every time she clicks on my blog! I’ll probably change it just for fun every week or so as we know damn good and well she’ll check regularly, like multiple times a day to see if she can get into one of our sites. Love how Aly sent her to NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye video. :)))

As for eBay, the Barbie lot has been put on hold cuz some fucker failed to pay us for the two dolls they won. The reason they’re on hold is that we want to make sure eBay pays us the $10 in fees we lost on account of the person first. I don’t think there’ll be a problem but we certainly wouldn’t want to sell through them ever again if there is.

I’m getting sick of this part-time friendship with Nane, but I also understand that she has to live her own life and do her own thing. I never expected to hear from her or anyone else every day and wouldn’t want to; I just wish they wouldn’t let several weeks go by so often in between messages. Oh well. They’ll get to me when they feel like getting to me and when time permits, although it’s hard to believe anyone could be that busy. I have other friends who work full-time and have very active lives when they’re not at work yet they still find time to drop me a quick hello 2-3 times a week.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 9, 2011 It’s been a fun, relaxing and productive weekend, though my schedule sucks. We’re having another warm spell and unfortunately, I’m on nights, awake when it’s chilly and sleeping when it’s warmer and less comfy for sleeping.

I’m also pissed that my $160 Bose headphones are falling apart.

Becky and I had so much fun laughing over the 34 pictures she posted that she took in Valleyhead in 1983. It really helped make up for the horrible memories that go with the place and some of the people in it. Like that evil Donna A. There she was, clearly recognizable after all these years and as I stared into that scary, mean-looking face, I still couldn’t believe it was the face of a then 28-year-old. Not just because of her looks but because she was into classical music as well. Who the hell listens to classical at 28? Anyway, she’s sort of looking off to the side with an almost disgusted look on her face.

I got a kick out of how Becky said she looked like an undertaker in a bad horror movie and that she wonders if she’s still a boozer.

I recognized most of the others but we were unable to ID some of them. Unfortunately, she didn’t have any pictures of Mary C, Michelle S or Lori M. She did have one of Denise M, but it wasn’t a good shot.

Dyed my hair earlier and would want to kick my own ass if this place were ours. I can’t see them without glasses, but with glasses, I can see the little sprinkle of dye I left on the toilet seat and some on the sink. I thought this foam stuff wasn’t supposed to do that. At least it’s so much easier to use and rinse.

Deciding I’m already sick of my short hair and not liking how it looks, I did some research to see what else may help speed up growth besides the things I already know about like daily scalp massages and things like that. Well, flaxseed was recommended so I got that yesterday, sprinkled some on my oatmeal, and I swear my hair is already longer in just a day!

To cut calories I’ve been getting kids’ yogurt. Well, the brand I’ve been getting comes with a refrigerator magnet and each one contains a letter and a career that starts with that letter. Wonder if I’ll have enough to leave a “fuck you” on the refrigerator for Jesse if we ever make it out of here someday.

The rat has gotten extremely fat and lazy lately. He used to love to come out and run around, but now all he wants to do is come out long enough to get a treat, then go home and eat some more. He’s also filthy so much of the time. Rats have oily skin but even those that don’t have roommates to help clean them keep their own selves clean. Maybe it’s because his weight makes it hard for him or maybe he’s just lazy, but he doesn’t do a very good job giving himself spit baths. Yet he fights me every time I give him a bath. So Tom got the bright idea of doing his own research and found baby shampoo was recommended and he thinks he can “make a game of it” for him and loads of “fun.” LOL, if he believes this then he might as well believe in Santa and the Tooth Fairy as well. Although rats are good swimmers, getting wet is not a rat’s idea of a good time no matter how you present the idea to them!

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 8, 2011 I had inserted pictures between paragraphs on the last couple of posts, but people told me it made it hard to read. I guess that depending on one’s screen size and resolution, it might look good to some but not to everyone. Therefore, I’ll just insert pics at the beginning and end of these entries.

Andy left for a week-long vacation in Phoenix yesterday. Hope he has fun! He won’t have online access so I promised to stock him up on Formspring questions over the week so he can “finish the sentences” when he gets back. Yeah, we got this game going where I grab a paragraph of my journal or something like that, knowing the character limit will cut off the last sentence, and he fills it in with something goofy. :)

I miss Nane, as usual. She said she’d be back on the 3rd, and I know her busiest times at work are toward the beginning of the month, but I’m a little surprised she didn’t at least send a quick hello. Is she really that busy that she couldn’t do that much? I hope nothing’s wrong, but I don’t think so. She appears to have been on Facebook on and off so unless I’m misunderstanding how things work there or there’s a glitch somewhere, she’s definitely alive and kicking!

Another Friday has passed where we’re relieved to know that Tom will be returning to work on Monday. :)

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 7, 2011 Alison finished reading A Rainbow in Munich and gave me a very helpful and detailed review of it. Like I told her, if I were looking to hire an editor, she’d be one of the first ones I’d go to. She’s like me in that she notices little things like wrong words, misspellings and misplaced quotes, so she was kind enough to point these errors out to me. There weren’t many which is good, but it still sucks to know I missed them after 3 rounds of editing.

I might take a break from writing for a while to do other things. I still have a ways to go with the German, as ugly as it may be, and just because I know enough to get by in Spanish and Italian doesn’t mean those languages are perfect. They could still use some improvement.

Went down to 62 kilos, then back up to 63. I have a feeling that this new experiment isn’t going to affect my weight at all any more than most things I’ve done over the last several years affect it. Oh well. At least I can maintain my weight even if it’s too much as long as I work out. I guess sometimes we just gotta be glad for what we can do and not upset over what we can’t do. Hey, some people just can’t lose weight no matter how much they may cut back.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 5, 2011 Unless Nane wished Irene a happy birthday in private, and she doesn’t seem to be in the habit of wishing people a happy birthday that way, she blew off her birthday altogether despite “appearing” to have been online. If she’s blown off someone she’s supposedly been friends with since her early 20s I suppose there’s no chance of her caring to remember mine, but we’ll see.

I sent Maliheh another message, but I’m tired of her games and yes, they’ve gotten rather obvious. A few problems and a few busy spells I can see, but this has gone on long enough to tell me she either planned to “drift away” from me from the start or she decided to later on down the road for some reason (probably because the lust isn’t mutual). I told her I’m used to those I like not liking me back and that I’m sorry if that bothered her in any way. I also put her back on auto-send and told her to let me know if more than a few days pass without getting entries.

Christine sent an article about how animals really do smile.

They took Tom’s picture today and gave him a badge, so I guess they don’t plan on letting him go anytime too soon. :) They also gave him a desk. It’s not his desk exclusively, but the desk he’ll be using when he’s there.

He said Jesse called while he was at work asking if he called him. Unless Tom dialed wrong he didn’t call him as far as he knows, and if Jesse came down today I slept through it. I turn the sound machine up really loud when sleeping during the daytime. It rained really hard so I expect to hear that loud and annoying bulldozer smoothing out the ruts in the drive once it lets up. It’s cold and wet now but it’s to be dry and warm this weekend.

I set the scale from pounds to kilos which really threw Tom off when he went to weigh himself and he found he suddenly lost an awful lot of weight, LOL! A kilo equals 2.2 pounds, so I thought it would be easier to track this way on a weekly basis since I want to lose about that much each week if this new starving every other day thing works. So that means I hope to go down a kilo each week. Today’s starvation day, or close to it since I’ll be under 1000 calories, so I’m being sure to have tons of water. I’m 63.2 kilos now and want to get to 50 kilos.

In my entry from two days ago, I mentioned the full name of the sick bitch down in Arizona knowing that it would be automatically sent to her that way and also knowing I would delete it from my online version as soon as it was sent. She wouldn’t be re-sent the edited version and I knew that, too. Today I had visitors from Hawaii and Pennsylvania. Well, I don’t know if she’s got any connections in Hawaii, but I know she has in Pennsylvania and that she’s lived there. Also, both came in directly. LOL, so they’ll be looking for her name that doesn’t exist.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 4, 2011 Today’s the day I quit smoking 14 years ago! It’s Irene’s birthday too, so I wished her a Herzlichen Glückwunsch zum Geburtstag, and sent Nane a message. She’s probably busy catching up at work.

I was talking about freedom of speech laws and blogger’s rights with someone earlier. I don’t know about most other countries. I only know I already feel bad for the next person who tries to trample on my rights in my country, and while I hope there isn’t a next time, I suppose there will be simply because that’s just part of being a writer. Just like most celebrities are prone to being stalked, most writers are prone to being complained on (though I don’t let it stop me), especially by those who may have something to hide or who may have a guilty conscience. I doubt, for example, Amanda Knox lied when she said she was hit by the police. There are so many corruptos in every law enforcement agency in every country and half the time they get shot down I really have to wonder if they asked for it and provoked the attack somehow. But what probably happened was that the pigs spited her with slander charges for having the nerve to tell people about how they mistreated her. The justice system may be bad here, but it’s really bad in Italy. Meanwhile, just like with the U.S. the media can go and say whatever the fuck they want to about her. The media is nothing but legal slander/libel while capital punishment is nothing but legal murder. I’m all for capital punishment, though.

No matter what happens, I’m not the naïve person I was when law enforcement decided to take advantage of that 12 years ago in the name of hate, control and profit since the city makes more money the more people they keep in jail and especially on probation.

I was asked yesterday (and I said I’d reply in my next post) if I believe OJ was guilty of murder. I know he was. Where I’m mostly suspicious of Casey Anthony’s post-murder behavior and think she probably killed her kid, I’m totally suspicious of OJ’s and I don’t doubt for a minute that he killed Nicole and her friend. He may as well have come out and said he did it because his actions sure said he did. Just the running in the Bronco was enough to admit his guilt for me. Who the hell runs that isn’t guilty??? You run if you’re scared for your life or your safety like a part of me still is because of the obsessive, persistent and hateful actions of my ex-perps. You don’t run if you’re innocent and aren’t afraid of anyone.

But unfortunately, despite the overwhelming amount of behavioral and physical evidence, he was destined for acquittal for fear of another Rodney King-like riot. Same goes for Michael Jackson. I’m not as sure that he was a pervert as I am sure that OJ’s a murderer, but I’d say it’s likely that he probably was. Hopefully, when the next famous black person is taken to court who truly is guilty of whatever they’re accused of, justice will be done and the courts will overlook the fact that there are some sore losers in this world who have to take a shit fit on innocent people who have nothing to do with what pissed them off in the first place when they don’t get their way and who see racism in everything and anything. For whatever it’s worth, though, I saw the King video. If that wasn’t police brutality then I don’t know what is.

Andy cracks me up with some of the answers he comes up with on Formspring. Even when they’re kind of predictable they’re still funny. :)

I went down almost 5 pounds after having just 700 calories yesterday. I’m eating around 1200 today, though, because I can’t do the super low-cal thing day after day. The intense hunger and fatigue get to be too much at times and so I’m doing it every other day instead.

We got our first rain since May and the temps have dropped enough to turn that Florida dream up a notch or two. I can’t wait to move to a warmer state! I just hope we get the chance to someday.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 3, 2011 So Amanda Knox was acquitted today and I’m happy for her, especially if I’m right in suspecting she’s probably innocent. The evidence always did point to that black guy, Rudy, from the Ivory Coast and not Amanda and her boyfriend. The guy had a record, too. Some of her post-murder behavior was a little iffy, but not like Casey Anthony’s was. That one is probably guilty of murder and if not, she knows who did it. If it was a case of neglect where the kid drowned by accident and she panicked, she should’ve at least been convicted of that much. But I’m living proof that the innocent often pays for deeds they didn’t commit while the guilty go free. That’s why I sat in a jail cell myself for half a year while Joely N got away with perjury, slander, libel, vandalism, disturbing the peace, prank phone calls, and tossing sexually explicit notes in our mail slot which alone is a federal offense. Am I forgetting anything? Well, on top of abusing the welfare system, I’m sure I am.

Anyway, yay for Amanda. Italy may have a lot of hot-looking chicks and speak a beautiful language, but most of the country is pretty fucked up IMO. Fucked up legal system, fucked up attitudes, fucked up bigots, and I make no excuses or apologies for my opinions either. It won’t hurt my feelings if we don’t get to take the trip I won there, and seeing that there are only two more years left to take it, I doubt we’ll make it there.

I am amazingly not that tired or hungry for someone who’s half-starving herself and has been so busy. You know how it is with me; I either have to cut my calories down to near nothing to lose weight, or I eat what’s enough for me (1500) and stay the same weight as long as I work out. Deciding to try something different other than the one-or-the-other attitude, I’m partially starving every other day. I figured that if I just do this every other day it will not only be easier to stick to but won’t hurt my already barely existent metabolism anymore. I’ll always include tons of protein in my diet no matter how much I’m eating to keep the random cravings away. I love those Pure Protein bars. They’re only about 200 calories and have 18g-20g of protein.

After about a 35-minute workout (I plan to do more tomorrow), I cleaned the kitchen and living room. My doll collection is now down to about 30 dolls, so it was nice not to have to dust as many even if most are in the bedroom right now. I still might not display them all at once. Forgot to work my arms and abs so I’ll do that later.

I hate the cooler weather we’ve been having but it sure is nice for sleeping and working out.

Tom put a new washer in the shower faucet but we both agree that the ancient piece of shit needs to be replaced altogether. I hope we make it out of here before it leaks so bad that we have no choice but to put up with the racket, hassles and inconvenience that will come with that. That’s one of the things I miss about owning is that we got to do things on our own time so long as they weren’t urgent. But it’s even better to know that it won’t cost us a dime. :) Yes, I really could get used to this renting thing. It’s definitely cheaper and less risky. I’d only buy a house if I could pay for it outright. Not something I ever expect to do. I also don’t expect to ever be able to rent a real house that’s bigger and newer than this old trailer, but I at least hope to someday. I really thought that whatever was picking on us with the breakage curse we seemed to be under for so long would stop once we started renting and some things were no longer ours to have to pay for, but I will admit that there haven’t been as many problems as I thought there would be here. The cooler and heater have had problems, but the oven and refrigerator are still holding up. No leaky roof yet either, and that’s another thing I hope to get out of here in time for; before Jesse goes to redo it. That’s not something that would take just a day or two to do despite being flat and not very big, though he did mention something about something that you just roll onto the roof.

I was going through some of my old, private journals from right before we left Arizona and came across a link to a doll store. I was curious to see what they had and if they were still around so I checked it out. They sell dolls in various stages from soft-fired greenware to kits to finished. I saw that the dancing Indian doll I have, Joy, was there, and asked if it would be possible to finally get the dress that was made for her and how much it’d cost since I just bought her finished but undressed back in 2002. It’d be $55 plus shipping, I was told, but I’d get to pick the color and all that, too. It just may be worth it once we get a little more caught up to go ahead and have a hot pink one made up. If I sell her, I need her to be in something other than the joke of an outfit I threw together for her, and if I keep her I’d like to still see her in something nicer.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 2, 2011 So far we’ve made $850, over a rent’s worth of sales, on eBay. I don’t know where Emme’s going yet, but Tyler’s going down to SoCal. Together they sold today for almost $74. That’s a little more than half of what Tom makes in a day working his ass off, so although it’s not great, we can’t complain. But we are sick of people asking for combined shipping. We lose money that way since part of our profit comes from shipping. So we decided to give it a rest for a week and then list the Barbie lot next weekend.

I hope my new ATM card works! I accidentally started to sign my name on the magnetic strip, LOL.

I seem to hear less and less from Maliheh, Nane’s heading back to Germany in the morning, and Eileen’s off to Russia with a friend who’s adopting a baby there. I don’t get that last one, though. Why all the way to Russia when there are enough babies in need of adoption right here???

Someone in Freehold, New Jersey, who’s visited my blog before, just visited again. Only this time they looked up the words “gay” and “abortion” in a blog whose search feature has been broken for months. I tried to message Blogger about it, but they make that pretty impossible to do. Besides, if they wanted to fix it they would have by now.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 1, 2011 OMG, it’s October, we’re alive and I just don’t believe it that’s how hopeless our situation looked two weeks ago! Last night would have been our last night. The plan was to go right before the rent was due, figuring we were paid up through September anyway.

It got me thinking about this prayer thing. I didn’t know until yesterday that Andy was praying right along with me for Tom to get a job when our lovely government decided we weren’t worth housing and feeding throughout the next 6 months. Well, maybe just like some of us are more prone to dream premonitions than others, maybe some of us are more likely to get our prayers granted than others. I prayed several times over the last several months for him to get a job. Nothing listened to me before and maybe it didn’t the last time either. Maybe it was Andy it listened to. Better one of us than none of us because most of the things I’ve prayed for were not granted despite how fair and reasonable my requests were.

Not much else going on now other than wondering what I’m doing still alive and thinking about the next batch of eBay listings.

Later…

Why is bra plural and panties singular? This is a really good question since we have two boobies and one pussy.

It totally blows my mind to know that if things hadn’t turned around like they did for us and in the nick of time too, my husband and I would be lying side by side right now dead in bed with our beloved pet rat lying between us, waiting for our bodies to be discovered. Instead, I’m sitting here writing this.

Anyway, Facebook finally came out with a really cool app that tells you who writes on your wall most and what their top 3 words are. Nane would rank #1 instead of #12 if we didn’t spend so much time chatting privately. But we do so because much of what we discuss isn’t exactly suitable for public, LOL.

[rubyvhs]

remedy (ii) — sam winchester

>prev | series masterlist

summary: jessica and gen explore what’s between them by forcing you and sam to do the same —tags: underage!reader, 22 year old!sam, med student!reader, insecure reader.

“You never told me what happened with Sam.” And with good reason too. Jess, she’s your best friend and your roommate, naturally she got worried when you kept avoiding the topic. The topic being: ‘You and Sam spent an awfully long time outside. Alone.”

“Nothing happened. We smoked.”

Her eyes widen and she lets go of her phone. You’re both in your two room apartment, but currently in hers. She’s on the beanbag, you’re on the bed. She’s about to scream. “You what?”

“Yeah.” You say a little reservedly. You trust Jess wholeheartedly, she wouldn’t tell anyone, and it isn’t like it’s a secret even if she does, but she’s very overprotective. As in, she would go give Sam a piece of her mind if you say anything that could piss her off. Again, not like he did anything, but still. You can never be too careful.

“Come on, slut, I want details.”

“Those are the details. We smoked.” Oh fuck it. “And he asked if I’m a sophomore.”

“Why would he ask—” It hits her quickly and her eyes widen with an exaggerated gasp. “No way. Sam freaking Winchester likes you?”

“He doesn’t.”

“I beg to differ. He’s a senior, you know that, right?” You nod, pulling you head down as you play with your fingers in your lap. There’s not much you can do with Sam without him looking at you like a kid. It’s only a five year age difference— hell, your parents are eight years apart, but in university it’s different. He’ll want to feel mature, it’s hard to date someone who— yeah, hasn’t actually done anything. Ever. 

Scratch that, he probably wouldn’t date you if you were twenty. Okay that’s more of your insecurities talking but still.

“C’mon, you so don’t like Sammy. That hair? Are you serious?” 

You suddenly catch her tone and look up with a small laugh, “You’re kidding!” And yeah, you're theory is right, she’s blushing. “You like Sam?”

She shakes her head. “Don’t deny it—”

“I don’t—”

“Lying whore—”

“I swear.”

“Don’t lie to me!”

“It’s Gen.” You furrow your eyebrows into a frown and tilt your head. What’s Gen? “I like her. Not Sam.”

“Okay… what does that have to do with—”

“She’s his best friend. She’s into girls but they’re roommates and I used to date Sam so I don’t know what he said about me— I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that I used to date him.” You get out of your seat at her slightly trembling voice. She says the last sentence like it’s an afterthought, like it’s not supposed to mean much. It fuels your insecurities, but other than that, nothing. “I’ve liked her for a year now but she’s… I’m scared to tell her.” 

“Gen’s hot. You’re hot.” You sit up on the desk so your legs are dangling in front of Jess, she places her hands on your thighs. “Come on, don’t be stupid. I haven’t paid attention but I’m sure she’d feel the same way if you made a move.”

“Maybe,” but she doesn’t think so, you can tell, “I don’t wanna— I mean, I know you haven’t seen her around a lot but she’s cool, okay? Like really cool. And Sam’s like her German Shepherd bodyguard.” That earns a genuine laugh from you and she slowly smiles into it too. She loosens up even as she’s panicking slightly because, seriously? How ridiculous is this?

“‘S okay, Jess. Cool or not, you're cooler. You’re the coolest. No one has anything on you, and don’t even worry about the German Shepherd bodyguard.” 

Famous last words.

Sometimes, in life, it’s better to shut up than comfort your friend. So much better. The most better, no matter how grammatically incorrect that sentence is. Because if you don’t shut up, you end up on double dates (three days before your final) with a guy who probably hates your guts. 

And it’s all your fault really. Your self control and Jess’s pouty face. God, it’s cruel for her to have such a beautiful weapon. Real shame it doesn’t work on Sam to make him back down— which is why you’re here. On Gen and Jess’s date. With Sam. This isn’t a double date. This is just… torture, in its purest forms. 

“I could be studying right now.” You whine while Jess parks her mustang at the mall entrance. It’s a last-ditch attempt to go back home. 

“You studied enough. I quizzed you on the flashcards three times.”

“But I missed a few the last time.”

“You’ll pass.” 

“Jess, c’mon, does he even know?”

Last ditch attempt turns into a complaining session. It doesn’t work. Doesn’t make you feel better. And definitely doesn’t stop you from stuttering and blushing like a ten year old when you see Sam. 

Gen and Sam meet you at the shooting range where you’re supposed to have your ‘date’. You greet Gen with a hug while Jess does the same for Sam, and when you switch… he’s smiling but you decide to play it safe and put out your hand. He glances at it for a second before extending his and saying a quick ‘hey’. It works out, there isn’t any of that initial awkwardness, and it’s almost like four friends going out. 

You decide to get food first so you end up at a cafe/restaurant type of thing called mince. 

“Why’d you choose here?” It’s the first thing you’ve said that actually sounds like you want to be here and Gen’s smiling as she answers.

“Used to work here last summer, best freakin’ burgers ever!” She’s so bubbly, her shoulder-length brown hair is in loose waves that you just need to ask how she does, her smokey eyeshadow has a hint of glitter on the sides and it’s all very pretty. She’s pretty. You get what Jess is on about.

“And the—” Gen interrupts Sam to shout ‘milkshake’ at the same time he says it which is the cutest thing you’ve ever seen in your life. She gets excited about the smallest stuff and is showing it constantly. 

“You used to work here too?” You ask, just because you’re proud you spoke at all.

“No, would annoy Gen to get me half-off meals the whole summer.” Gen rolls her eyes like it’s true which makes the rest of you laugh. 

And it goes on with casual conversation; when are your exams, what are you doing this summer, did you hear about Lily’s new party. It’s mostly like all of your outings until the food comes, then Gen and Jess start to close their conversation in.

Gen and Jess. They should have a joint name. Genevieve and Jessica. Jenica? Jessevieve? Nessica? Maybe you should take a break. But God these burgers really are as delicious as she says. Incredible. All that flavor put in one? Maybe you should work here. 

It seems like your (practically) moans aren’t so quiet because Sam’s amused expression says it all when you look up at him. He’s sitting opposite to you and watching you eat more than he’s touching his own food. “That good?”

You swallow and quickly nod. Yeah it’s that good, what kind of joke is that? It’s the best thing you’ve ever tasted. Best burger, anyway. You take a sip or your cherry cola before he shakes his head, “You’re missing out.”

“What?”

“On the milkshake.” You smile a little and play with your necklace’s charm, something you’ve picked up doing since you stopped smoking regularly (the small wins in life). “Here,” He moves his across the table. With his straw. So first you share a cigarette and now a straw? You may as well kiss at this point, it’s all the same. 

You lean down to try it and— wow. You’ll be personally giving every chef in this place a raise, who cares if you don’t have the right to do that? You will make the right when their food is this flavorful. 

Even a vanilla milkshake feels different— is that cinnamon? 

“Right?” And if your feverish nod wasn’t something to go by, then the fact that you were the first to finish your food says it all. 

After you’ve all eaten till you couldn’t get up (thank God for friends who you can accomplish that with), you walk around, hand linked in Jess on one side with Gen and Sam on her other. You don’t want to make Sam uncomfortable, no matter how nice he acted in the restaurant so you try to stay as far away as you can. Which okay, in retrospect you might look like a toddler holding onto Jess but no one seems to mind.

Until they do. “Me and Gen are gonna look at something, okay?” Jess says, her voice a little low so only you can hear. Jess wouldn’t hate you for refusing, but you can see how much she wants this. You nod and swallow your fears. That would leave you alone with Sam. “Don’t worry, okay? He’s a good guy—”

“‘M not worried. Have fun, baby.” She beams and runs over to where Gen’s standing. Sam is on the phone somewhere so you settle for walking around ‘till you stop at a jewelry store. If anything reminds you of your parents, it’s stores like this. Gold jewelry. Your tradition. Other people would get phones or shoes when they achieved something, you’d get an 18 karat ring— and it’s not to say you’re a multi-millionaire (you definitely aren’t), it’s much much cheaper where you're from. 

You got your first earring when you were two days old from your uncle. A necklace from your grandfather. Three bracelets from your father. All gold. 

“You like it?” Sam’s voice startles you, jumping back, you look at him. He’s looking expectantly.

“Yeah, I guess,” They’re beautiful earrings, matching the ones your mother wears all the time back home. “Reminds me of someone.” 

He nods and when you look up into his eyes he’s quick to blurt out ‘I’m sorry’ like he’s scared he’ll talk himself out of saying it. What does he have to apologize for? You guys didn’t even flirt, it was nothing. 

“It’s okay. I mean— obviously you have nothing to be sorry for anyways.”

“I shouldn’t have done that—”

“What, talking to me?”

“Leaving.” Does the action of breathing include air being sucked out from your lungs forever? Thag Shouldn’t be happening. “It makes it seem like I'm an asshole and you’re cool, didn’t mean to make it look like that. I’d love to be your friend, give me your number?” you hesitate for a moment too long, “if you want, of course. If you want to be friends with a senior.”

He says it like he’s a fifty year old senior resident which forces a laugh out of you and helps you relax a little. “Yeah, of course, I just didn’t want to assume anything, you’ve been nice, Sam, haven’t been rude or anything. It’s just, you looked pretty scared when I mentioned my age.”

He rubs the back of his neck with a small huff, “Yeah, that’s my bad.”

“Okay, yeah, give me your phone,” He opens the contacts app and you easily add your number along with your name. First and last. Who knows how many people he knew had your name? Could be hundreds. Thousands. Millions even. 

“It’s not a bad thing that you got scared— but anyways,” you hand him his phone back, “if it makes you feel any better I’m turning eighteen in a couple of months.” It’s not a total lie, you’re turning in January. It’s May. So if you think about it, it’s a couple of months… multiplied by four. Really only eight months. Same thing.

“It doesn’t,” he snorts and you frown a little. His eyes widen  and he shakes his head, “not in… I meant that there’s nothing to feel bad about anyways. You’re a cool person, I like hanging around you.”

You try to lighten the mood, smiling and waving your hand, “Keep the lies coming.” He laughs a little but you can see he’s about to explain himself again. “It’s fine, Sam. I understand what you mean. I liked hanging out with you too.”

“Yeah?” Flirting, friendly banter, pity— who cares, you’re talking and he’s being all cute while you make your way around a mall that you have no interest being in. 

“Definitely. And I tried blueberry cigarettes for the first time with you.” You say excitedly, and it’s really true. It was thrilling (when compared to your routine of studying, eating and going to the gym everyday) to try cigarettes with flavor— not that it was really prominent, but at least you tried it. “And your car’s amazing. A Mazda, right?”

His eyes seem to twinkle in the way-too bright light, “Got it last year actually.”

“I noticed, ‘s a newer model.”

“Yeah, twenty one.” You're both somehow closer as you walk, your arms brushing against each other in the white short sleeve top you decided to wear and his Zeppelin t-shirt. You’re about to take your phone out (because God knows that that's the only thing you can do when you’re stuck in an awkward situation) before he points at a shop and practically shoves you to come with him. Not that you need a push, you would’ve gone very very willingly. 

“What are we doing here?” You ask when you stop right in front of a dollar store. 

“‘S a tradition me and my brother had— have. We buy fireworks every first of the month.” You feel a light laugh escape you even as you want to pout in confusion. What does that have to do with you? “It helped us save money instead of buying them all at once on the Fourth of July. Still haven’t bought my May ones, we should go in.” It doesn’t take you five seconds of looking into his sparkling eyes to agree. Those eyes. They’re just brown so you can’t say that the color is what captivates you, it’s the way he uses them. So so insanely innocent when you’re sure he isn’t, when he's shown you he isn’t. The fact that he’s still hanging out with you is proof enough.

“It’s the twentieth of may, anyways, why did you wait so long to buy them?” The question is born out of curiosity as you both walk around the different aisles, you examine any piece you find remotely interesting. 

“My brother and I… we don’t talk as much, anymore. Just reminds me of him a lot, I guess.” 

His eyes are trained in front of him so he’s avoiding your gaze and his voice is so soft you’re afraid you might not catch what he says. “Then why are we doing it now?”

“I miss ‘em. My family. Just wanna stop doing this avoidance thing— which is Dean’s thing by the way, not mine— and actually remember them.” He shrugs like his voice isn’t about to crack and his hair isn’t covering his eyes as faces down. You decide to ask a stupid question. A very stupid question.

“Oh, why are you talking about them like they’re gone?” Lesson number two: Sometimes, in life, it’s better to shut up than try and comfort your friend acquaintance. So much better. The most better, no matter how grammatically incorrect that sentence is. Because you just don’t know them well enough, and it’s inevitable to sound like a total dick. 

“They’re… they’re not. Or actually—” oh please no, if one of them is dead, being a ‘dick’ is the least of your worries. “Mum died when I was six months old but I was talking about my dad and Dean, he’s my older brother. We fought when I got accepted into Stanford, dad didn’t exactly approve.” His mother died? You’re a total bitch is what you are. An abomination at best.

“God, Sam, I’m sorry—” You hurry to push out the most sincere apology of your life but he stops you with a gentle hand on your shoulder. You freeze automatically. 

A, there’s a hand on your shoulder. B, it belongs to a guy… from the male species— of men. C, you like Sam and want him to keep touching you.

“Stop, don’t, it’s fine. Mum was a long time ago and dad, guess it’s just the way it is.”

You’d think. You’d believe, that after all of this you would shut up and mind your own business at the very least— but no such luck. You hear yourself asking, “what about Dean?”

“What about him?”

“He's your brother—” It’s as if the universe is on your side because you never get to finish your sentence. A toddler runs over to you to hug your legs so tight you can't move and she’s crying out ‘mama’ too many times for her head not to pound. Yours certainly is. “Hey, hey,” it’s no use, she’s as sure that you’re her mum as you are that Sam is never going to open his mouth around you again.

She starts crying. As if you sold her to the highest bidder and she’s just now finding you again. You would if she keeps holding on and crying like this. 

Sam doesn’t share your same sentiment because he starts cooing at her, leaning down to pick her up. He lifts her in the air and the crying comes to an immediate halt. You love kids, nothing against them— in fact, you cared for your little brother since the second he was born. First to hold him. But right now? When you’re embarrassing yourself to last you a lifetime, your affinity to kids is decreasing ever so slightly. 

“Hey, princess, where’s mommy?” Right here. Is what you want to say, instead you cough a little too obviously, making Sam send a smirk your way. The little girl with two ponytails on each side, she couldn’t be older than five, shakes her head. “You don’t know? Is she here?” He points to you and your eyes widen for only a second before you glare at him. Now that the girl has gotten a better look she shakes her head. The small things you're grateful for. “What’s your name?”

“Rory.” She pouts out but she seems content in Sam’s arm. She’s leaning her head on his shoulder and you’re willing to bet money your heart's beating so fast you might pass out. It’s so heart-warming, he’s so frickin’ good with kids. Why is he so good with kids?

“Okay, Rory, let’s go see where mum is.” He glances at you to make sure you follow him and you make your way to the register. He tells the cashier what’s happening and he announces over the speakers that someone should pick up their child. Sam keeps holding her and glancing at you frequently while he’s playing with her, as if willing you to do something too. 

You won’t. He’s stupid to think you will. It isn’t like you would’ve left her there in the middle of the store if you were alone but you definitely wouldn’t have held up a stranger (even if it’s a child) and then played with her. Bringing her to the lost and found (cashier… whatever) is more than enough.

Her mum picks her up a few minutes after and you’re both checking out with the fireworks in record time, mostly because he grabbed them when you weren’t looking— which really begs the question of how the hell is this man so good at something that sounds illegal? 

Should you be concerned? Yes. Will you be? Probably not. Which is why you keep walking before you ask questions again. It’s bound to happen. It will happen. Exhibit A:

“About your brother, you said you guys don’t talk. Why?”

He doesn’t seem to mind even if it looks like he’s a little sad talking about it. “Oh, it’s nothing. He’s just always traveling and he wasn’t really happy that I went off on my own.”

“That’s a dick move,” you’re a dick, is what he should say to you so you try to save yourself, “I mean that you did a really incredible thing. You got into Stanford on a full scholarship— he should be proud.”

It takes him a second to answer, he’s staring in front of him and it isn’t to avoid your gaze, it’s to come up with a genuine response. And his response is genuine. “He is. Dean’s proud.”

You don’t push it after that, you get a matcha strawberry drink, you both buy some snacks that you don’t open and then Jess calls to see where you are.

“You know,” maybe you don’t want to know. He seems to catch your thought because his smile widens, “this was fun. We should do it again— alone, next time.”  

Is this what being asked out looks like? Should you get Jess to answer for you— maybe you should—

“As in a date, sweetheart. Is that okay?”

If he keeps calling you that then yes.

“I’ll keep it in mind.” He says fairly and leans down to kiss your cheek. “Good night.” And then he walks past you to Jess, throwing a quick ‘night Jess’.

“Oh. My. God.” Jess all but sequels next to you as you both walk back to her car.

“You can say that again. I just got my first kiss!” Jess’s eyebrows furrow.

“Oh you poor poor sheltered girl.” Which throws both of you into a hiss of laughter while she leans up against you in victory. You both got what you wanted. Even if you didn’t know you wanted it.

You definitely knew you wanted it.  part three; holding onto thin lines ‘till we just walk between them.

title from: softly by clario

main masterlist

hi guys so here’s the second part, I think it’s gonna be 3 parts because the last two have been 3.5/4k so the last one could be 6/6.5k and I can end it there. Glad you guys like it so far and comment if you wanna be tagged!! & if you’re wondering, yes gen’s faceclaim is gen padalecki our beautiful beautiful girl. her and adri are a power couple.

ALSOOO I REACHED 100 FOLLOWERS I love u guys sm and I’m so glad you like my writing enough to want to follow me and I love talking to you and getting your thoughts on everything so let me know what I should do for 100!!

tag list: @angzls @chxrrybomb22 @pinkpantheris @ang3ldool @iloveragdollcats

@oohjana18294 @user-2538484747490203746579403