#everything has to have multiple parts
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yet another vw wip for this week's wip wednesday bc i have zero (0) self control and so. so. so many thoughts abt them
#vashwood#trigun#trigun maximum#vash the stampede#nicolas d wolfwood#mine#wip#lmao ngl this looks like it could be done but it is not!!!! it is not :3c#please join me on my journey of creating more and more elaborate merch#where the setup and trying to vizualize how the pieces should fit make my head hurt 🤯#(but yes this will be a charm and it has multiple parts and i really hope it comes out like i planned it to)#merch stuff#actually my caption is a lie i have SO much self control#because this much? this is me holding back#i want to draw SO MUCH of them i want to read fanfic i want to rewatch tristamp and finish the 98 anime and finish the manga#i wanna admire other ppl's fanart and cosplays and theory vids and edits and everything just everything.#but NO. i live in a capitalist society and i have to WORK. I HAVE DEADLINES 😭😭😭
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litany of the martyrs (click for better resolution!)
#at some point i wanted to make an illustration for each character but in retrospect maybe each is multiple song-coded..#drew the sketch for a quincy thing after a chat with a mutual reminded me this song existed dfsghjkl and then spent weeks rendering this#quincy cynthius martin#adamandi#i'm finally done with this! the saints especially were joys to paint and the halo a menace.... this has been the most ambitious one so far.#but it also took quite long because i only worked on it <engages with quincy> when mentally okay to deal with the themes. i'm not religious#but i do identify with the irrational(?ish) guilt + family legacy + academic achievement + disregard for self. also more complex thoughts#about love [but depsite quincent being a large part of quincy's character this piece deals with mostly the Rest of it. so another time..]#anyways! in the original sketch- the saints had heads bent towards quincy so the halo spikes pointed at him. but this worked better! halos#of the saints implying/creating one for quincy was a concept from the start though. in the show they don't touch him directly here but#differences in mediums i think- i don't have time in an image to craft a narrative so everything has to be happening. also artistic liberty#misc inspiration for this includes stained glass windows. i might have maybe misinterpreted the saint costume but i think i logic-ed it out#as the cloth part following a nun's habit w the hood. and then halo above. the material is also more transparent originally but i had. um.#too much fun painting fabric folds.. if you look closely you can see the basis of faces though behind the cloth; but only the vague shapes#because smth obscurity + inhumanness// cassian is the only one i gave a mouth though. that stems from melliot's post about the saints and#st cassian as spokesperson (<- did research teehee!) that's also how i found out which costume = which saint. speaking of which.#left to right: 'st lucy take my hand' // 'st lawrence give me strength' (presses quincy forward; but hand on shoulder connotates guidance)#/'st cassian help me smile' (quincy's mouth is btwn a grimace and a smile; tilts up at side. also no direct touch bc added insidiousness.)#//'st jude [...] i hope your causes burn' (jude's hand is in two places to show movement- nearing the flame and then snatching back; burnt)#other notes: at the midst of the flame the core is shaped like a human heart /the saints and their wax are all melting like the candle for#fun visual effect and also this way they are even less tangible <real>. perks of painting as a medium i guess. // also insp from icarus?#wax and burning imagery; looking at the halo and rays as parallel to sun that burns. too close to the sun; melting; hurting; hurtling //#candles at bottom are a nod to the frankly gorgeous set// also the entire composition kind of stems from the lyric <what use is a candle if#both ends aren't burning>; the two sides between the concepts of catholic guilt and academic perfection that spur quincy#the halo above (saints and guilt; litanyofthemartyrs) and the 'halo' below (academic papers; insp from choreo for perfect at school)#the papers were originally supposed to be more glowy. but i like the idea of it now being a reflection of how quincy's priorities shift#also of note is that <candle> in centre = quincy; w burning candle + aforementioned heart in flame -> most human; idea of love + passion#last thoughts: kneeling + hands close tgt = prayer //wax dripping onto the red As make an effect that looks like blood. because i like#hiding that within the adamandi pieces :OO continuity!! // i've run out of tags but yeah! had fun with this one! every so often i go a#little insane in making art and the final result astounds even me. ngl i'm quite proud of this one. pretty colours <3333
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Ulysses obsession with the Courier is a special type of sad to me cause the Courier’s part was so important but so unwitting. They had no idea what was in the package they delivered and neither did he. Neither had an idea of what it could’ve done and the Courier was only caring out their job (mind you the Courier could be killed via notes in the express contract if they don’t). To them it was just another regular delivery to the divide and one that they likely thought would help, just like all the ones before.
It’s so tragic for Ulysses to hold so much ire to the Courier when it really was the case of it could’ve been anyone. Anyone could have delivered that package but they did and so he focused the blame on them and it destroys what he is trying to instill in the courier on a fundamental level.
#like yeah the courier delivered the package but in the end that’s a job#any random courier could’ve delivered it especially since we know in the past the factions were farther apart and this travel was a smidge#safer but courier six got it and this Ulysses blamed them#like I don’t care much for Ulysses because I think lonesome road embodies don’t shoot the messenger at it core#and what people focus on doesn’t focus on the fact that in the bigger picture#everything went wrong because two factions were at war and at some point the codes would have been delivered#and the divide destroyed cause with how close it is to NCR territory it would of been found#like there is an inevitable and too many people treat Ulysses as if he knows more or is more aware of the idiosyncrasies of conflict#when he’s like fundamentally flawed just at the standard of being a legion apologist STILL and just how focused he is on one persons#involvement cause yeah choices matter even the small one but I think Veronica’s quest says it best with a line from the courier#you can’t control what they do#like the courier couldn’t and can’t control what they deliver and yet it’s got them in hot water multiple times#like do you think they enjoy being shot or knowing they are indirectly responsible for activating the annihilation of a community#to me it’s hypocrisy to be willing to end the world or one world to prove a point and whatever argument made that only military factions#suffer forget there are innocent civilians suffering that had no part and Ulysses is no better than the Courier#I don’t like devils advocate and a lot of the dlc just feels like that but idk I know people love it but the depth is just not there for mr#ulysses fnv#fallout#fallout new vegas#courier six#the courier#lonesome road#the courier has very little personality outside what we give them but some lines and delivery paint a picture#like uhhhh undertale deltarune rules ig
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I cannot imagine being a Damian stan right now. You've got both Zdarsky's bullshit (where he clearly doesn't give a shit about your boy) and The Boy Wonder (where Juni Ba clearly gives so many shits about your boy) coming out on the same day. The whiplash must be insane. I hope y'all get some nice warm soup for your efforts jfc
#damian wayne#damian al ghul#damian al ghul wayne#batman#batfamily#for all of the issues that come with having Steph as your fave having too much wild shit happening at once is never one of them#btw I quite like The Boy Wonder Issue 1. wow shocker an artist and writer who I have liked everything they've ever done#has once again written something that I am enjoying with art that makes me want to be part of its world.#it's almost like Juni Ba is really freaking talented or something#like I have some problems with it but it seems like many of those are part of the point. Damian is learning that his siblings are more#three-dimensional than he realized and that is part of this 'coming of age' story merged with fairytale#so I can't be mad at the oversimplistic defining of Dick and Jason and Tim until the conclusion of the series. that might be the point.#I hope that the series will address Steph as a Robin but if not then frankly it's not an issue unique to this series.#I'll be annoyed and disappointed but ultimately roll with it like I am with Babsgirl being here. There's too much good stuff here to get#hung up on shit that seems to be almost an editorial mandate at this point. at least that's where I'm at.#I am also very sorry that Chip Zdarsky is massacring your boy. he has 'X (Tim for him) is the best Robin so everyone else must suck' diseas#where a writer really likes one specific Robin and in trying to uplift them demeans all of the other Robins. instead of like...just writing#for that one character only or alternatively not demeaning the other characters in order to make his blorbo look good#it's wild because I actually think his writing for Tim is pretty solid. but he's not writing a Tim series. he's writing a Batman series.#and if you are going to write a Batman series and include other Batfamily members you need to actually write them well.#instead of assigning them like 2 personality traits while Tim gets to be a whole character#I accept that behavior in fanfic where I have lesser standards because it's fucking free. not a comic run that wants me to pay#tens of dollars in order to understand what the fuck is going on. he's been going for a while now it's gotta be a lot of money.#I can buy Steelworks with that money. I can see John Henry and Natasha Irons in a trade. Fuck you Chip.#it's why it takes such a special person to write a good ensemble story/a good Batfamily story. you have to be good at writing a LOT#of different characters. which I don't think most people are. I sure as hell am not. I can write maybe 3 at a time confidently well.#and you also have to give all of them at least SOME love or else people will be upset that you aren't focusing on their fave#and also the writing as a whole will suffer. Chip Zdarsky is a pretty good Tim writer. I'd maybe read a Tim solo written by him.#I would not read a story focusing on multiple characters that I like written by Chip Zdarsky. because every character who isn't Tim#is at least a bit weak/inconsistent/out of character INCLUDING FUCKING BATMAN. THE NO. 1 GUY MOST ARE HERE FOR
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This is such a tangent btw but on the topic of guilt tripping and reblogs... I remember a few years back there were some terrible fires in Greece (and again this year, entire island villages are gone now) and at that time I had family who were caught in them. I can't describe the desperation I felt with these horrible things happening to my family and loved ones in my country. And I remember being frustrated and desperate with how no one around me in America really seemed to give a shit. I remember blogging asking people to PLEASE care please share something please reblog this link for mutual aid please think about the stories and fires etc etc etc. And the thing is I was very much in a state of grief myself, maybe not every word or action was perfectly reasonable, because I don't realistically expect everyone everywhere to care about every tragedy in the world. You can't. Emotionally it's just not possible, especially with all the stuff going on in the states rn too. Yeah it's a lot. It's not like I blog about every tragedy that ever happens either. I understand.
HOWEVER what I also remember was at this time there were a couple mutuals very clearly making vagueposts along the lines of "remember not everyone has the energy to care about everything in the world uwu" while I was posting about family who died and family who were drifting in the ocean for hours as their homes and loved ones burned. Listen. You have to understand sometimes that when a person in grief and frustration with things going on in their countries and communities impacts them very personally beg you to care... It's coming from a place of needing to see that care in the world in general. They're not holding a gun to your head Specifically saying you have to reblog the posts, if you don't have the energy just ignore it.
You don't have to go out of your way saying "um actually I can't care about the horrible stuff you and your family and your country are experiencing rn. I'm too busy focusing on my own stuff so can you be quiet or more reasonable with your grief thanks." Like. Just keep it to yourself then??? Have some fucking sympathy for other people and understand that maybe it's not always logical. The same way you don't have the emotional energy to think about every tragedy in the world, people who've been impacted by them often don't have the emotional energy to handle that alone and may seek somekinda community or solidarity. Idk. It's not about forcing shit on you sometimes it's not about you
#part of me thinks the 'we don't have time to care about everything all the time' has set us back a bit because it gets used as an excuse#bc most of the time no one is like asking you to become a hardcore advocate for every cause ever they're just saying like#hey reblog this donation post. and like I'm going to be real how much possible emotional energy is that really taking from you#compared to the actual activism the statement was meant for and such. like come on#surely less than complaining about people having the gull to ask you to give a shit right?#you can still have sympathy for multiple things without necessarily devoting a lot of your energy to said things you know?#doesn't mean you have to surround yourself with them to become the perfect most progressive activist or whatever#but you can like. idk. express sympathy or condolences in passing every now and then. like people normally do. idk#instead of being like 'how dare you ask me to care! there's issues in my own country i have to blog about!' are you for fucking real#but yeah enough time has passed that i can think more rationally about this and now know that that was a careless response#exactly the type of people you were afraid of being the representatives of the worlds apathy in your greif etc#but there are also people who do care is the thing#and obviously for the record I'm not mutuals w the former anymore bc like Christ
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I'm having a moment
#you ever just watch an animatic and you're just like#yeah. wow this has changed my life. altered my brain chemistry. dug up my past sins and replaced them with hope#brainworms and you love art#a sadness and fondness you had for the person you were#mixed with nostalgia for a time you can never return to? when you thought it was locked away forever? when you forgot how wonderful it was?#scratch that. when you watch multiple animatics and they're using songs you used to love/still love#songs that used to be a part of ur growing up and to have that be revamped for people younger than you? thats so sweet#when you realise that love and living doesn't have to be scary#and when people make long comments analysing everything?? all the intention and symbolism and having that be appreciated?#oh man#theatricalrambles
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Guess who :3c (Patreon)
#My art#Webkinz#Diamond#Ukadevlog#Ghostkinz#Ta-dah! My November behind-the-scenes project was this! The poll was for this reason! Though I already knew I'd start with her haha#Have a little preview to start us off - I have Lots of thoughts to each part of development I ended up in but I want to roll them out slowly#Not everything all at once anyway haha - thoughts get all jumbled now that I'm on this side of things pft#I wasn't able to finish A Version I'd be willing to publish in just a month - even then I only worked on Ghostkinz about 3 days a week so#But for the time I spent I'm quite pleased with how its shaped up so far! :D I got to implement a lot!#Actually learning-then-implementing-then-learning-then-implementing - it's a loop I've been out of for such a long time now :0#Really interesting to fall back into after so long away haha#A lot of my other projects have been Pick Up One Thing and then do that forever and I was tired-tired of that!!#So going into this project knowing that I'd only have November to Get Guud at as much of it as possible and then that was it#I think it helped propel me - didn't end with me getting stuck on Perfecting Just This One Thing#I'd read a bit and then go utilize it and then come back and read some more of Zarla's template/walkthrough - compelling system!#I still couldn't manage to actually finish in a month but I got up to Phase 4!! Previous attempts at Ghost-making has gotten stalled at 1!!#Maaaybe 2 but never anything beyond that - and while I didn't actually Finish any Phase apart from 1 I still read through much much more!#On top of the learning aspect being fun ♪ getting to understand some of the more technical side ahh - it was also just fun to read haha#Like a course that can be silly hehe ♫ Enjoyable even outside of getting to make a little guy for my screen haha#But also yes that too!! I'm really glad I finally settled on an idea that I feel confident in seeing through#The best part about reaching for the Webkinz style is that Webkinz uses vectors - I've gone on record multiple times as loving vectors#They're an exceptionally easy medium to manipulate and that was The Thing that had been holding me back from committing to Ghosts prior#Drawing every single thing when I already struggle to plug in my tablet...no...... But Vectors#You can see here that Diamond's expressions are just a matter of tilting her head and moving her tail - so so soooo simple with vectors#Being able to super-quickly put out a lot of different expressions and animations and piecemeal everything together...yes..........#And for what further I have in mind :3c It's really all I could ask for in an art style to seek ah ♪ Just right for my purposes!#I thought it'd be nice to show off Diamond-for-real as her plush next to her digital version as well :D She's still the only OG8 I have#I want more!! I'd love to have a code for her as well haha - secretly just started this so I can have a digital Diamond lol#Plush-Diamond actually wears a necklace these days but I opted to leave it off her for the photoshoot - maybe once I figure out clothes haha
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RAAAAHHH RAAAAHHHHHH!!!
#officially done watching QSMP!!#I watched mainly Fit's POV bc he speaks English and has the most hours on qsmp#i would have watched Philza's but his vods included his hardcore world and made his vods much longer and also spending less time on qsmp#i have watched all of Slime's POV and since he rarely logs on and he cuts his vods it was easy to finish#for non-English speakers i have watched Maxo and Pierre's bc they are the most lore heavy apparently-#and their qsmp povs comes in episodes!! very easy to binge#lore-wise it was great!! sad qsmp was cut short bc of management issues but im glad at least Fit made an effort to make a great ending#as for everyone else's lore ive been relying on clips and compilations#my favorite event is definitely cellbit and roier's wedding bc it was so fuckin funny - i have rewatched certain parts multiples times#my favorite lore would be aypierre's bc his felt more complete and cohesive... maxo is close second... these two are good roleplayers...#Purgatory is another BIG favorite event purely bc of BOLAS ROJAS 😂 the first day was the funniest shit I've seen acted on Minecraft#favorite pair is definitely Deathduo... one bc Philza did a great representation (on purpose or not) of an aromantic character -#two because found family... im a huge sucker for found family stories... Deathduo isn't as rich in fanservice but it's part of why i like it#rare but GOLD - augh their first day with Chayanne and the whole prison arc thing 😂😂 everytime Phil catches Missa up on the lore 😂#another favorite pair is Misclickduo - if the latter was a nice story this one's on the complete fucKING OPPOSITE#everything about this family is fucked in every single angle 😂 but it has good lore esp Slime's POV with Juanaflippa#favorite eggs definitely Ramon and Juanaflippa... since I watched Fit the most it made sense Ramon is my favorite#but Juanaflippa is my favorite lore-wise bc of how tragic she is...#essay over :3 im going to sleep crying i hate Fit's ending so much BYEEEE#qsmpcroof
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This might be a hot take(?) but i do like how Eddy become more grumpy as the show went between seasons
Of course he is more mean and kinda more aggressive with his friends.
But i think it's a great way to show how trauma can affect your personality, especially when it comes to physical abuse. Not every child that suffers like that is quiet and shy, some of them can mirror the bad traits of their abuser and they're just as valid to get love and support.
#Eddy's character has to be the most interesting among all the characters i love that ugly short king so much#he does act greedy he lies and he also yells a lot but it so so normal for a kid who suffer abuse from an adult#i found so sad how ppl will tell you he is the worst of the eds just for the way he is#despite the fact he has the WORST situation between the three of them#with all this i'm not defending his behaviour! it's still wrong and he should be better than that but as i said he is a kid!!#this doesn't mean i don't love chill eddy ofc!! but i do think the latter works better for his character arc#idk if he would ever do stuff like therapy but i do think he would reach a point where he is tired of just... being angry#i do agree with the hc that he is not the type of just having one job i do think the little bastard will have multiple part time jobs#he is unable to remain in one thing and he does have curiosity for everything#but aside from all that i just like the idea of him getting away of his family. not in the sense of never speaking to them#but more like... not having to deal with them every day.#that's when i think his more chill yet cheeky self will go back to him ahaha#also he is dating double d ofc#there's no future where i don't see them together giendkdn#don't think they marry or anything. but they would grow old together and Ed lives in the basement#eene
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So, going to link a couple of things before I start with this.
Firstly, the new MV for the Vortex/Overthink/Tides medley which is going to form the basis of my observations.
Secondly, this post, which makes a strong argument that Link Click is deliberately drawing from other time travel media. In this case, the 2002 version of The Time Machine. Also, a fun fact not mentioned in the linked post, but that I recently discovered is that the name of the girlfriend the time traveller is constantly trying to save is *Emma*.
Now that I've linked these two, I just want to say that this rest of this post is me having fun and I would love for these to be deliberate references, but let's be real, a lot of time travel media understandably shares a lot of visual language. Hourglasses, butterflies, and clocks are all fairly recurrent themes.
Click the read more for a mix of potential references to other time travel media and screenshots of specific details of the new MV I found interesting:
Left: Link Click (note the photo reel design). Right: Doctor Who (specifically one of the intros for the Twelfth Doctor)
And to add to the photography aesthetic present throughout, the photo reel clock resolves itself into a camera lens:
Next, we have a main character centred within a clock. In both cases, the character casts multiple shadows that resemble clock hands.
Left: Link Click. Right: Steins;Gate
The shot where Qiao Ling is stood still amongst a moving crowd is neat for two reasons. First, the people she's surrounded by seem to be those related to the cases CXS/LG have taken on. You can see Emma just behind in the above screenshot. And the other thing is that the first time this sequence plays the moving characters are too blurry to easily make out. When the sequence reverses however, and the lyrics speak of "pausing" the scene actually freezes with all the characters clear for a tiny bit. (I didn't screenshot purely because it was a pain to get the exact moment but you can check this if you want)
Upper left: Link Click. Upper right: Higurashi Gou/Sotsu. Bottom: Steins;Gate 0.
Next up: fragments! This one is honestly a real stretch, but hey, there are at least two other time travel adjacent shows that use them as visuals in their openings. I would really like the use to be similar to in Higurashi (the example screenshot is from the anime sequel Gou/Sotsu but the sea of fragments is present in the og too). In Higurashi, each time "loop" is actually an alternate timeline (wherein events would differ slightly even without intervention) and so each fragment represents another timeline. For Steins;Gate, it's more a visual that exists purely in the opening sequence to play into the whole shattered clocks aesthetic.
Left: Link Click. Right: Steins;Gate.
This one is inspired by me watching the opening only to go "Okabe Rintaro????" when Qian Jin showed up. But also. We can clearly see some of Qian Jin's scars in this shot. There appears to be one on the back of his neck and two over his left shoulder. These have to be relevant and obviously his eye colour has me side-eyeing but I don't think we have all the pieces for this character yet. (Him being a former cop with a connection to both of our focus cop characters though makes me think)
And a final one with generic anime trope no 58382929:
Left: Link Click. Right: Steins;Gate
I know, I know. This is typical anime/donghua. But! It's deliberately a shot in Steins;Gate that returns again and again throughout the series. It's also very associated with the character of Mayuri so take that as you will.
Bonus whatever this is:
Multiple Cheng Xiaoshis in different states of doing badly. I wonder if the centremost one is the one Lu Guang appeared to be thinking of in episode 1? Possibly another "fragments" situation or if not then it may be various things Cheng Xiaoshi will go through in this season
Anyway, the Steins;Gate opening visually has a lot of similarities and of course a lot of it is natural overlap because they're both time travel series. And they both draw inspiration from The Time Machine (especially Steins;Gate's sequel, Steins;Gate 0). But I find it pretty neat how all these series from different times and places do have these recurring themes.
#link click#link click spoilers#this is mainly just spamming thoughts and references on a specific part of the mv.#I do have thoughts tm about the hourglass bit but mostly it's interesting how everything is all set up for damsel lu guang#and the recurring multiples of different characters. Plus ofc ofc people have already pointed out two hoodies which this mv agrees with#shiguang daili ren spoilers#shiguang daili ren#steins;gate#Not featured in this: madoka rebellion op. it has some clock cog shots but the op is too focused on being misleading to go full on#both madoka rebellion and s;g have the entire 'reaching out your hand for someone and they vanish' thing though which is a classic trope#but it's also a fave okay. and ptutu has chara in clock cog but isn't time travel in the same way for me to count it#edit: also tumblr mobile destroyed my left/right images smh
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killing microsoft with ten billion hammers
#this is the second time i've tried and failed to log into minecraft post-migration#i managed to resolve it the first time and everything worked#but now for some reason it created a new??? xbox/minecraft.net account??? with the same e-mail address?????#and i just don't have access to the game anymore#the weirdest part is that the launcher still has my old mojang account attached to it#even though i've uninstalled and reinstalled it multiple times since the migration#meaning that there HAS to be some connection between the mojang and microsoft accounts....#i've had this game for 11 years man#never had any issues with login stuff until microsoft took over
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I am so fucking sick of living with my roommate and his fuck ass boyfriend. Also watching my roommate burn every single one of his (already rather minimal, I might add) bridges for this guy is also kind of painful but also his relationship with me is one of said bridges so I'm almost past the point of even feeling bad for him lmao
#i have had to piss for probably the better part of an hour now#because they decided to take a shower together and have been in there for well OVER an hour now#and this is a nightly occurence atp sometimes MULTIPLE times a day#we have one bathroom.... can yall not be considerate enough to not be in there for up to TWO HOURS AT A TIME???#also it's such a waste of fucking water....#idk we've hit a point where i literally hear the bf doing anything and i get pissed off#but also tell me why i'm sitting in my room (which shares a wall with the bathroom) and i can hear this man hacking and spitting shit up#and this is also something that happens multiple times a day#like.... dude.... why are you spitting up toothpaste so fucking loudly oh my fucking god#but yeah no i'm like my roommate's only friend atp and he's about to not have me lmao like we're about to reach#'i'm cutting you off when i move out' levels of me being pissed off with this whole situation type shit#and apparently the bf convinced him to come out to his family which his mom was chill which is good#his dad's side of the family though....? not great. and my roommate KNEW that would be the case cuz we'd talked about it before#also love that my roommate has constantly talked about moving out of the city we live in because he hates and also there's no good career#opportunities for him here (which is true)#and now. MAGICALLY. he's like 'idk i think it'd be best for me to stay here'#like oh my GOD???? are you hearing yourself???? are you fucking stupid???? you fucking hate it here???#but sure throw your life away and ruin all your meaningful relationships for a guy you met six months ago jfc#and the thing is i *know* my roommate we've been close CLOSE friends for nearly a decade now#i know he is not like this.... like yeah he's being insane by allowing this but also i know these aren't the kinds of decisions he would ma#and also i know he wouldn't treat me like this all on his own#it's the deranged fucking control freak of a guy he decided to date and my roommate has too many of his own issues to put his foot down#about certain things and tell the guy no so he's just allowing him to completely take over his life#and fuck everything up until the bf is the only thing he has left once it's all said and done#and yeah. it's painful to watch. but also wtf am i supposed to do because obviously my opinion is not respected nor wanted regarding this#that has been made PAINFULLY clear#ugh this is so fucking horrendous#what is it with ppl who start to date someone and then go clinically fucking insane and destroy their lives all for this one person#who. realistically. they barely know in comparison to all the other ppl in their life#like explain it to me jfc
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🚦.
#my investment in the life series took one whole year to fully materialize#i remember this time last year i discovered joel’s vids and came across limited life#i also happened to be there when secret life started so i got to see it happen#with the benefit of getting multiple perspectives each week which was a joy#only now have i started to chip away at my backlogs#i’ve been watching grian’s perspectives—double life yesterday and 3rd life today ALL BC OF FANFICS I DESPERATELY N#*NEED TO DEVOUR#and can i just say that it isn’t scar’s first time going red so early in the series#like that man is a hazard and a menace to the series#everything just goes up in flames the second he turns red and i love it for him#anyway#i’ve seen the desert duo get hyped so much but i think we (me vs community) love them for very different reasons…#i’ve always adored their dynamic but there’s just some parts i don’t get abt the hype (?)#idk maybe the community has a tendency to exaggerate things 🤷🏻♀️#also i want to come up with a better tag system or else i’ll lose all my posts on them 🥲#toff.txt
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#its crazy how much easier it is to do things when youre not completely miserable lol#this past week has been weird bc ive felt really really good and like normal in a way thats kinds unfathomable#im hoping its the medication but my mood was already on an upward tilt and i was told it would take like 6 weeks for the meds to work#property but like ive been sleeping way more than usual. and by that i literally just mean 8hrs a night lol which is weird for me#like that never ever ever happens multiple days in a row. so idk. when i feel better it makes the 0cd way easier to manage as well#and im just generally not as anxious. on the more worrisome side i kinda just give less of a fuck so like i have an exam im not ready for#Tuesday and im just kinda like hm fuck that lol. ill go thru lil fluctuations of having a lot of energy too#like: i could run around in circles rn. i dont have to but i could. like yesterday i was out with friends and i was like bouncing up and#down while standing and rocking from side to side while sitting. which i kinda do anyway while in crowds but it was more to expend energy#last night i also got like 5hrs of sleep. so like maaaaybe ive been on the bleeding edge of mood elevation but for the most part it just#feels good and not destructive. like if i felt like this all the time that would b fantastic. its like oh so this is y ppl dont long to b#put out of their misery lol. depression? who? i dont kno her. sounds fake. but as soon as i fucking say that ill b fucking slapped back#down to earth. ugh. annoying. no emotional object permanence. i hope its the meds. if this is the person i am under layers of misery then#that is fucking so insane. we shall see. im curious to hear what the psychiatrist thinks of my brain when i follow up with her#i gave her my full dys1exia assessment which gives a pretty good picture of how my head functions. oh fuck i bet i would do waaaayyy better#on thise test if i took it in this state of mind. but anyway she has that on top of like 3 assessment sheets i filled out#dispite everything i still want someone to categorize me into a discreet box. tell me doc. am i really bip0lar? really really?#ur sure??? like 1000% sure bc my brain wont let me accept that unless its beyond a reasonable doubt. i just doesn't seem that serious.#i mean. it is but like ya kno. its not that bad. ay. this glob of mush behind my eyes runs me in circles#but for now thats ok bc i feel like i could run up a mountain or punch someone in the face lol#unrelated
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also it's something (better) like, the exercise of deliberately [art imitates life imitates art] holding up Billions to My IRL Things Perspective and going like whaaat would i want for winston. first answer is you want any character to not have been within the scope of the show in the first place, and to exit it since they are. and you kind of get that in the accidental reward in banishing winston, since like in the end it's just that the show doesn't care about him existing at that point But like it's winston sitting there quietly as everyone leaves & turns out the lights & Then he can leave too; others have peaced out & nobody remembers he exists so Now he can go off & do whatever.
but like in true form i think they definitely accidentally baked in another divine reward for winston in that, like, the way he's kept around as fodder for these fun little [pov: enjoy abusing this guy] asides with him, where it Just So Happens that he's autistic as something they're unaware of but is completely relevant to the expectation we understand him to be inferior(tm), it Just So Happens that he's also ""bad"" at not ""causing"" abuse to be turned on him. he's ""bad"" at staying in line. like well yes Yes that's what i want for him. just like In Real Life it's like yeah Ideally i'd want people to be able to extricate themselves from where they're trapped in power structures & i'd want them to have the perspective about it of understanding they're not Inferior / i.e. they are as much a person as anyone else and they're not corrupting everything good / i.e. it wasn't them Bringing It Upon Themselves and it's not them being Destructive by toppling a jenga tower of a hierarchy that happened to be pressing down on them. and winston is the kind of [the ruinerrrrrr] who is Turned On exactly because he keeps acting like someone who's on the verge of breaking out of the [being in line] someone demands of him as autist, employee, whatever other supposed manifestations of [inferior]
like in the 5 second stretches in which winston's allowed to speak before retaliation, it's because he's like "matter of factly" delivering whatever Information that's useful for another plotline. then he Brings It Upon Himself by making people aware that he's Also existing in his own right as a person rather than what they think serves their own deal / what they want from him at all times, perhaps by expressing his personality (didn't appeal to them! so it was Wrong) or not b/c of anything in particular said or done at present, just b/c people have a constant / accumulating contempt for him so their being in the same room as him & able to see & hear him is already dangerous. the [we're just seeing Any Abusive Dynamic in action] continuing apace.
and it's like, well, right there. he's written as acting like someone who doesn't blame himself for how he's treated, which billions frames as being Rude & Mean, and so too does everyone's abusers lmfao like and that these are his moments that are written to be Bringing It Upon Himself. and it's like hell yeah he doesn't blame himself. hell yeah that his self-esteem can manifest as anger at all. hell yeah that he keeps expressing himself with personality & confidence & doesn't even disguise his having been hurt, & it's this [his ass is Not grey rocking] that billions frames as both him "causing" his abuse & making that abuse "successful" lol, wrow just like real life!! and when like speaking of real life yeah it's not "bad" that people Do engage in strategies to mitigate & survive, including things like blaming themselves or being too "boring" to be anything but a non dialogued background character b/c that's all that goes unpunished, it's bad b/c it's done to them at all, not [ohh they're doing it to themselvesss] and like i'm asking myself like Ideally. what do i want Ideally. and i'd want winston to know that it's being Done To Him & i'd want him to find as much room for his personhood & autonomy as possible. and that's basically how he's written anyways, and billions hates that like You See this is why he deserves it this is why he's doing it to himself. and i'm like my god if that's not Inspiration for like "so what if people don't find you Personally Likable" and not preemptively holding back all personality or anything that'd draw attention as if you exist as a person in your own right & not something that only either gets in the way of or serves their wants of a Real person (someone with more power) like hell yeah you have him out here doing it =']
another fun addendum is like, billions isn't getting into it much b/c it doesn't seem to care much about "what if some people were peers & seem to have a genuine, recipcrocal relationship?" but that it just so happened to be like "oh tuk as the next closest loser who deserves it might be nice to winston" while it's framing winston as the "worse" Loser as being....unconditionally supportive of tuk. while the one downside of billions Also giving bentuk as much as it is is that it also inevitably has that shadow of "but ben is Superior to tuk" and like that it's correct that everyone encourages tuk to Stop Bringing It Upon Himself and start being less of a loser; it's wrong for winston to be like hey let's go have a foursome. like yeah probably don't make a list of the women you work with you'd be dtf but it's not like i'm convinced "ah billions and it's strong anti misogyny stance like" roflmao and billions is Not reflecting on "the downsides of unconditional support?" there when winston was beaten up for criticising taylor earlier like we WILL take his ideas while looting his [beaten unconscious] body there but he WAS wrong to express them as though he's BETTER than taylor!!! mafee's beautiful show of loyalty in kicking his ass even when he might agree with the argument and then benefit when it's adopted by taylor anyways! so it's as usual actually purely based on hierarchy & who gets to be in charge of people. it's correct for ben to be in charge of tuk, unless he has to step aside for that bizarre dead-end subplot about how it's tuk's fault if he's treated badly, b/c it's really his own Failure to have Confidence to know he has good ideas [raising our voice to deliver this message over the sound of breaking desks and chairs and computer monitors over winston because he had the confidence to act like he deserved to talk to someone and because he knows his ideas efforts & results are good & valuable around there] like. and isn't it sooo fucked up to talk about who you're dtf in the episode that has it be neutral if your boss is dtf & lets you know but is nice about it (and you're already Correctly tending to their ego, which you're responsible for!) like hey no possible problem! it's not even so much of a problem for a boss man to have the sex they're entitled to & be rude about their leveraging their power in that acquisition that it Stays a problem into the next season. ew, winston is Known (Inferred) Dtf??? we'll use it to exploit His vulnerability, exacerbate it, & punish him further for good measure in another episode that just revels in abuse & violation with a sexual aspect once again, but like, hey tuk don't do that, winston's such a Bad Influence for being like, shrug, kneejerk intervening with the Good Friendship where the One In Charge leaps in & Tells tuk the Correct thing to do. obviously there's also the tragedy that billions will Never let winston push back against Real Winners like rian or taylor in A Way That Matters (actually gets in their way at all) lol like. one thing that would have really been fun, winston should've literal kneejerk started physically fighting wags in either pertinent scene in 7x03 for real 110%. i wouldn't be like Gasp Violence Is Never The Answer if he just hit someone to hit them b/c fuck you. or broke anything on his way out etc etc. billions would Never let him. which is the other side of the same coin of [why he should get to]
tl;dr how great that winston's being "out of line" means he's basically always noticeably flouting & rebelling against the [He Deserves Abuse] agenda lol. that IS what i want. his being "beyond hope" like ohhh he's sooo stupid he doesn't realize how much he has the bad tastes & wrong interests & annoying personality He Will Always Be This Way like hell yeah!!! billions like oh no winston's personhood will never stay tamped down & locked away such that some godawful person tolerates keeping him in their inventory :( ohhh the ABA will never work :( that's right!!!!!!!!!! although they're not sad about it because it's about relishing the promise there will always be True Inferiors you can enjoy abusing with your righteous power over, but like well you wrote him escaping anyways even while dragging other "better" characters into standing around to serve axe's need for more than 1.8 employees and [crickets, reverberating cough, sneaker scuff] like. another ""wrong"" thing for winston to do, another thing for him to not "deserve," which is itself godawful actually lol like lord what it "rewards" its Good, Deserving characters with, no thanks. meanwhile winston's punishment is that he's autistic and """bad""" at being abused like lmfao good for him, fantastic for him, just what i want
#winston billions#a series that did inadvertently power up the stances of someone who actually is Not a fan of ableism; abuse; authoritarianism; and cetera#real winston billions fans might also get written off the series into the ether....but hey. the power up#the ''i saw the autistic character. i saw the tour de force'' was there & it mattered#myself marked glad to be A Ruinerrrrr; to like be present where other people might be aware & even say & do things & [my personality]#throw it back to the last post like my experience going hahaha >:) but you made one mistake. decade old minivan in my name#enough to Get Outta There....but that naturally if it Wasn't that Would be an avenue of punishing / reeling people back in#hey you Stole this from me. hey winston that's Stolen Time and stolen data who give a shit. it's the principle of [we own winston]#my experience also indeed getting ''''worse'''' at being abused lmao i.e. more conflict & resentment as i was increasingly aware i didn't#deserve it. no thanks to much of anything i learned in; say; interacting with others as an autistic person lmao. hmm!#meanwhile even if exploring like Winston Having Fun Being Himself it's like one thing is just. never having the Site of that be like#first & foremost An Romance lol. like even if it's like sure someone could interpret this as romantic that's like; an extra thing#and it's not The Guideline like; not thinking that for winston to be okay he Needs to get on the soulmate track#(billions does think that lol) and like. while billions says winston Has dated (i do think they meant to imply Multiple Times in 5x05#i just think we see that they usually don't care oh so much abt continuity; certainly not across the board) & that he has a crush#like then uhh yeah sure it's like. well i can readily extrapolate then that he's had abusive dating relationships.#billions does Not put forth that someone treating winston Well is where he gets the bulletproof confidence or anything lol#just cursed like again i'm not. i'm not gonna accept [wild you dropped steph into our Visuals as like 1 Confirmed Winston Ex]#but it's also like well then any Depiction would be The Perspective....not like. the abuse currently happening & in any way that is meant#to be ''''obvious'''' & ''''convincing'''' to someone w/no idea what it looks like anyways. vs the mundane ordinary parts that speak to it#or just the ways that experience & concomitant perspective could manifest outside of it even with No look inside it#running into issues like [good thing riawin didn't even hook up or that'd be More vulnerability in an abusive relationship already]#but what if they did & Montage Of Malaise? well to even brush up against inevitable more ''blatant'' things would then either be like#well immediately move Away from that then. before or after but Exit the [current] situation. Or it'd be like. rian has to Reconsider#but a) the character absolutely does not & based on everything will not. & b) if she actually Does; e.g. in a fic. well it's about her now#but i can think of ''yeah maybe winstuk fic that is also framed with bentuk b/c it's not really about Romance & if it's like sure then why#Not presume winston has experiences w/abuse & violation aplenty b/c that's the full context for the character lol it's then still like#and here's little details in which that could Manifest that would just be [??] or unnoticed to others anyways. just like real life!!''
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sudden itch to write a rare pair fic thats not Percy related
but like
the last time I did that it ended up becoming my top fic and lead to me deciding that you know... actually I hate that ship just out of spite so i'm not sure how good of an idea it is
maybe if i try like femslash or something super super rare with side characters or something
#using tumblr as a diary again#like is it healthy to feel that way?#no it's probably not but knowing that hasn't made the feeling go away in the months sense i posted it lol#like multiple people have asked for more for it but I'm ngl I'm likely never touching that ship again much less the fic itself#like if i even did decide to it would probably just be Percy and Viktor meeting#the whole reason it even became the ship it did was because I couldn't figure out how to write Viktor#But i don't think that's what people mean when they say they want more of it but maybe id be less annoyed if I did add a Percy/Viktor chapt#I feel like this is what those people mean when they talk about posting art you put your all into vs a doodle#because while i spent a hell of a long time procrastinating writing it i was never like actually happy with it#I just kinda wrote and posted it because I was running out of time and wanted to be done with it#which I think is part of why I find it annoying that it has like double the kudo's of everything else but it makes sense that it does#like it's a garbage fic yeah but its the main character and a fan favorite so ofc its going to get more attention#especially in comparison to the niche nonsense I make that I like more#will I ever delete it No I'm fire believer in not deleting things I've made because ive learned in my life i always regret it so#I just have to get better at writing so I can knock it off its horse >:)#or just keep adding extra chapters to Raspberry Muffin until it surpasses it lol#they only have a difference of 64 at the moment so its not impossible#I know im going to see this again in a few years and be so confused on why it bothered me so much i just know it lol
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