#everything feels so numb

[eilinelsghost]

Thing is, it's my son's birthday tomorrow and I want to bake his cake and dance around and be silly and give him his little presents and put a party hat on the dog and all the things you do with a newly-five-year-old but just. how.

[starry-bi-sky]

on a completely separate note; shizun luo binghe with a disciple shen yuan who fell into the abyss??? *thinks about LBH canonically stealing SQQ's corpse for 5 years* he'd hallucinate i think. like, like visual and audial hallucinations.

Keeps thinking he's seeing SQQ in the corner of his eyes, or wandering between the trees, amongst a group of disciples. Thinks he hears him calling for him, but its just the wind or another disciple.

Gets Xiu Ya reforged but patently fucking refuses to make a sword mound. Because his disciple Is Not Dead :))) There was No Body. He's Not Dead. And If You keep Insisting That He Is, He's Gonna Skewer You :). He's holding onto Xiu Ya so he can return his most favored disciple's sword when he returns. It's on his hip right next to Zheng Yang where it's supposed to be.

Also this motherfucker?? does not sleep btw. He has the image of SQQ, wide eyed and hysterical and standing at the mouth of the abyss burned into his fucking eyelids. Can't use the dreamscape to escape it either because he keeps trying to save him and either he does and it's an incredibly cruel trick to wake up to, or he doesn't and he gets his heart broken in several different pieces again.

There is no convincing this man that Shen Qingqiu is dead. Absolutely nothing at all. He is buried so deep in denial that moles would be jealous of how deep he is. He keeps making tea for two in the bamboo house only to remember that it's just him. SQQ's fans are hiding everywhere, little reminders of his presence. He goes to wake up SQQ on the mornings he sleeps in-- only to find the room empty.

[yaksha-lover]

Leona never thought you would be the one to shake his miserable existence; he’s far too cynical to use the word ‘change,’ but the thought isn’t far from it.

You, who is nauseatingly sentimental and abhorrently optimistic.

You, who swept up his heart so easily, as though he were a some pathetic lovesick loser.

You, who wrapped your arms around him and dared to feed his feeble hope.

You, who cries the most pitiful and loathsome tears, sickening and utterly maddening with what your foolish feelings do to him, the sense of dread and shame which permeates him.

You, who would be better off letting him go.

It’s a balancing act; some days Leona can tell himself that you’re enough for him to get better, others he’s aware enough to know he’s stumbling towards a bitter end and dragging you down with him.

He feels nothing and everything all at once; his world is senseless until you enter his stage, but you drag along everything else with you. The love comes quick, but so does the apathy and pain and despair.

He wonders, hopes, that on some level, you understand. You just know. Everything that he’s always wanted to tell you, but never been able to push past his lips; that he loves you, that he’s sorry, that he knows and doesn’t know why he’s like this.

That you deserve better; that he doesn’t deserve to be loved how you love him.

Leona pushes you away, and still hopes you catch him when he falls.

On his worst days, another feeling looms over him. He never wants you to leave, but he can’t cause those awful tears anymore if you do. Can’t put you through anything else, further the wound he’s surely already caused.

But the tears spill and you don’t flee. You wrap your arms around him and squeeze and Leona squeezes back.

[honeypleasejustkillme]

with how life has been going this year, i’m contemplating suicide more than ever before

[erebusbored]

Guys I want her so bad it's not funny

[findmeinthefallair]

"It's been a year, I feel so heavy... Mama, will this feeling ever stop?"

“Mijo. It hurts. But you have so many people who love you. We can help you carry that feeling and one day it might not feel as heavy.”

(Dialogue by @childlikegoblinqueen, with some smol additions by me)

[betterthanbatman1]

​He looks like the shell of the man he used to be

Look at his eyes. They’re completely empty. They’re not like how one would describe ‘cold, dead eyes’. No, they’re eyes devoid of life. It’s so much more than just eyes that are ‘empty and emotionless’. Every single detail on his body shows just how much emotion and turmoil this boy has been through.

Those eyes are hollow because everything he’s been through has ripped his soul-the the very essence of himself- away. The eyes aren’t completely blank, so it’s more than just emptiness. The irises were sketched but still lack colour. His eyes have been washed out not erased. It truly captures the pain he’s in and has been through.

They say ‘Eyes are the windows to the soul’. His soul has been through so much for his eyes to reflect that so painfully.

[gayleafpool]

i think a big thing people get wrong w leafpool’s character is thinking her passivity comes from like fear or insecurity or being shy or something when really it comes from like. defeat. she’s been burned so many times so now she just accepts it there’s no point in fighting back

[shannonsketches]

he's so important to me

[nsewell]

i lived bitch

[kozidraws]

.

[ronkeyroo]

I wish i could take everyones pain away, and my own too

[boundinparchment]

Will keep my commitments I’ve agreed to through the year but I’m gonna dip semi-permanently and see how it goes. my final writing that will be posted here will be the kinktober piece.

This isn't sustainable for me, not good for me, and honestly, there’s little point in sharing my writing here anymore. no one even cares to reblog and if likes are all that happens, why bother. I get more meaningful engagement from AO3 comments and things just get lost here.

maybe i’ll change my tune again one day and find peace in just posting but all I see is endless consumption despite my own efforts. I do not have the bandwidth for fighting against it right now.

all I’m doing is hurting myself and giving very important parts of myself, creatively and otherwise, to a place that doesn’t deserve them.

[just-an-anxious-mess]

[poolboyservice]

is . AnyOne fucking awake.i feel like I'm losing it

[screaming--agony]

Dear Diary,

There isn’t enough space in the world for me to retreat to.