#everything feels horrible RN
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Broke up with my GF earlier.
I did the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life earlier, I broke up with my Girlfriend of 4+ Years. The TL;DR is a lot of stuff has been building up over time and an argument we had last night kinda was the straw the broke the camel's back. Like I thought I understood her and we understood each other but I guess we maybe didn't.
She's an amazing person, but it felt like she was never there for me sometimes because she was always busy with work or her phone was dead or other reasons. So we didn't get to talk as much as we should. Which hurts in a long distance relationship. Esp. since we never got to see each other IRL because I don't have my license and she never had a car (& was super busy with work), & every time we tired to Meet IRL it NEVER worked out. My mom being shitty and transphobic is a reason for one of those times.
But me breaking things off with her just hurt way more than I thought it would. I was mad & upset at her last night when I made the decision to end things, but actually going through with it felt like jamming a knife into my heart. That I was throwing away the one good thing I had in my life. It doesn't help that it feels like my life is in a rut RN.
Also IDK if I can even be friends w/ her anymore since a lot of the problems with our relationship would still be present (such as not being able to converse often), on top of how bad this all hurts. I don't wanna loose her but I can't deal with this kind of relationship with all of the Life BS & mental health issues I have Right now.
It also double sucks since i'm now at 2 of 2 Relationships where I couldn't physically be with the person I love, the first because she wasn't real, and the 2nd I already described why. It all just hurts right now and I want this pain to stop. I'm not thinking of hurting myself or anything I just feel dead inside right now.
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There's something about like. A certain genre of posts / Online Opinions about insecurity/depression/misery/complaints that are so unhelpful that they wrap right around to being straight up hilarious. and it's the ones that are more or less written to the tone of "Feeling bad? That's gross!" Like, just so you know, don't voice your insecurities/ have low self esteem, because that's offputting! You're gross and weird. Don't be insecure about that, though. That would be stupid if you felt insecure about people disliking you for being insecure. Not attractive. You should be thinking about being as attractive as possible. You shouldn't make comments about suicide, even if you're suicidal! Keep those thoughts entirely to yourself. Make sure nobody around you knows you're thinking about this. It would Make Them Uncomfortable. It's better to keep these thoughts in your head where they can fester. Don't post OR talk to friends with complaints about you feeling miserable or depressed. Tbh people who are sad/upset a lot? Kinda a red flag! You are probably miserable because you're a bad person and you've brought this on yourself. If you don't have friends, it's because you're awful to be around. Easy! Solved the problem for you. And no, there is no nuance to this, got it? So, make sure to feel bad about feeling bad, but don't feel bad about it, because, well, that's just gross. And annoying! You might've wanted your brain rotted thoughts to be Peer Reviewed, you might have just needed to vent- you might've been hoping for some comfort, to get things off your chest. Well, don't! Don't talk about thoughts or feelings that are negative with your friends, you'd be burdening them and that's only meant for THERAPY. #SponsoredbyBetterHelp #MentalHealth like, DAMN. that's so helpful. you're so good at helping. I um really liked the part where these are all hard and fast rules that encourage keeping feelings bottled up and keeping your friends at arm's length. That's really funny of you.
#I FEEL LIKE COMPLAINING RN in the context of this alternate universe these posts live in. that makes me evil rn. I may not even keep#the post up. but I Needed to complain about these bc I hate seeing them#really funny and good because it very much feeds into that part of the brain where you go wait am I stupid? am I horrible? am I annoying?#before you express any kind of personal feelings. from feeling insecure alll the way down the spectrum to feeling like your life is over#before anyone How Dare You Say We Piss On The Poor-s at me YES there is a nuanced version of this#which is. you can make someone feel like shit (A Fellow Sufferer Of The Mental Eelnesses) by using them as your dumping ground#in excess and usually with no regard for how they feel and without Regular conversations inbetween#and in a one-sided way where they can't do the same and complain with you as a sounding board in return#don't tell new friends you hardly know abt THE MOST personal shit you can possibly think of. there are steps being skipped here#right? we know this. we all know it. setting a boundary is a thing. overwhelming a person is a thing#on the other hand there is such a thing as a friend who IS okay to listen and wants to help. and friends who relate.#maybe talking abt personal stuff makes ppl feel closer sometimes. just a thought! maybe not everything is Emotional Labor. maybe just maybe#but like come on. these are almost intentionally unhelpful posts#long post
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my elderly dog started getting sick yday and randomly declined so so rapidly today and my parents are taking him to the vet and are probably gonna have to put him down and words cannot describe how devastated i feel oh my god
#he was fine just a couple days ago idk what happened im at a complete loss rn#theres a chance he’ll be fine but like w his condition and age it’s just. whatevers best for his comfort yk#and it feels horrible it feels so horrible i hate everything right now#txt
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i should really learn how to tattoo myself at home huh...
#genius idea#and also a HORRIBLE idea#but i just..#like i don't want to pay a hundred euros just for a four letter tattoo yk?#lmao#before you tell me that's overpriced it's not abt that he just has a mmmmmmmm fuck idk what it's called#like his prices start at hundred#which i think is fair#he just wants to do bigger pieces#and i'm not judging that at all#get that bag#but i just don't have the money to get anything bigger rn#i might try out this other tattoo artist hmm#his style is like veeery very very much what i like#the other guy does more traditional stuff but he's done all of my more “tribal” pieces and he's just like the niiicest guy ever#and i feel very comfortable with him#and reaching out to new tattoo artists is a bit scary lmao#HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I JUST WANT TATTOOOOSSSSS why is everything so hard omfg#mayor of loserville
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The thing about Helen of Troy was that it really WASN'T her face that launched a thousand ships!!! Like, yes, Aphrodite personally declared her the most beautiful woman alive, or whatever, and promised her to Paris, which was fucked up. But none of that is what started the Trojan War!
What started the war is that Menelaus felt that Paris had violated Menelaus' claim on his personal property. (his wife) Those ships weren't launched because each captain was personally moved by Helen's beauty. They were either loyal to Menelaus, or feared his wrath.
Like, I guess if you wanted to interpreted it more romantically, you could say that he was motivated by concern for Helen and her safety? But that's really not how it reads to me.
#the iliad#helen of troy#menelaus#sorry idk why I'm classics posting i don't think I've actually read Homer since like ninth grade#i imagine this is the sort of rant I'd go on if i was drunk#unfortunately i don't even currently have the pleasure of being drunk. 😔#it's just adhd and exhaustion#by elise#classics tumblr peeps feel free to roast me if this is a horribly incorrect opinion#just sometimes i think about male violence and their need to control everything you know?#it's just men it's ALWAYS men#it's entirely possible this is the entire point of the story and i am making a fool of myself rn
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#not to be like a boomer rn but#i just got a notification from windows on my computer telling me to try ai#the state of the way technology is going in the world actually worries and depresses me#i tell my therapist about this a lot when we talk about the world 😅#its horrible to me how fast ai is creeping into so many parts of everyday life#i feel like its kind of a train wreck in the making and its possibly going to get to a point where#theres not going to be much we can do about it because itll be so ingrained in everything#okay sorry my elderly person jumped out for a minute but that notification really got me#id rather have no technology than ai in everything change my mind#and not to mention how ai and the people working it are like actively destroying every aspect of art in the world...#dl
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plain and simple i am not going to be able to remain in this fandom long-term if i have to keep putting disclaimers on every single one of my posts that say i don't condone dennis' bad, bad actions and that i am in fact aware he's got a history of sexual assault and dubious/nonconsent. the entire gang has done heinous shit. why is dennis the only one who needs to be treated like this? if some rando wants to post about how dennis is pookie pie that doesn't automatically mean they're blind to his crimes. every single member of the gang is a piece of shit. that's kind of the point.
draw dennis with cat ears who give a shit
#ada speaks#i'm not vagueing this is a constant thing ive experienced#i still have angry anons sitting in my askbox mad that i didn't explicitly condemn him last time i got into this#i'm really not a fan of the tension in the fandom the last few days#and like. i know its a hot button issue rn. everyone's going back and forth abt mac and dennis' SA#but this fandom genuinely does have an issue SPECIFICALLY MENTIONING things mac does to dennis and uwu-ifying them#when they are explicitly classified as SA in canon (which is an actual present issue i think needs to be addressed)#rather than like. just the mere MENTION of dennis outside of his SA is somehow condoning his actions#im sorry but i really do not feel the need to constantly talk about him assaulting women#everyone knows. everyone sees it. just bc i am dissecting other parts of his character does not mean i forgot he's a horrible person#it just means im trying to understand where he's coming from (which obviously does not change the facts.)#viewing dennis as a person with unresolved trauma stemming from elsewhere doesn't negate the damage he is doing to other people#he's not a real person where humanizing him does tangible damage#so i am going to continue to look into shit. when i talk about the CSA he went through it's not a justification.#but it does explain his actions in a character motivation type way which is what i am interested in#seeing what makes him tick#i think most people who follow me understand this by now. but i also don't think shit we see him do constantly in canon needs bringing up.#it's the subtle stuff that ties everything together and i want to put it all together to solve a puzzle
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grief will have you saying shit like goddamn and fuck maybe the abuse was worth it
#ive made this post before i just cant find it and it’s all im feeling rn#god i miss my parents so fucking much even though they were the cause of SO MANY of my problems that idk if i’ll ever heal from#but navigating life w this grief and without their support- however little it was- feels like hell#but the abuse felt like hell too.#ive said it before but i was JUST getting to a place where i felt i could stand up for myself and knock down thwir shit a few pegs. or at#least become more resistant to it#i saw a future with them in it for the first time in my LIFE#and it was bc i’d done SO MUCH FUCKING WORK. and now i feel like it was all so fucking useless#it’d be easier if i was still in the phase of anger i was at like 19#but i’d processed that quite a bit and was trying to move on#FUCK. i had made SO much goddamn progress right before my mom got sick#then everything went down the toilet cus i cannot fucking have anything#it’s so unfair. i wish i could at least redo the last 3 years of my life#i would’ve done things so much different but i was so traumatized and still so angry and bitter and trying to preserve myself#ive come to the realization tjat the person i am today did not exist back then and therefore i shouldnt beat myself up bc it literally wasnt#available to me. i couldnt have done anythimg different bc i was in such a state of survival#and truthfully ive grown a lot since then even if im still in the trenches#the timeline of my entire life has been so fucking unfair#and i dont know how to reconcile any of it i dont know how to cope with my worst fears coming true#and i mean worst fears. even the way they passed. spot on to my worst fears#i despised what they did to me but i still didnt see life without them until i was at least 30#it was all so sudden and quick and shocking#yeah they were horrible parents but i was a horrible kid too. maybe i straight up just deserved that shit#and i’d go back to that and seeing a future with them in an instant#over this bullshit#it’s so hard. and then losing all my pets too at the SAME TIME. all my babies#everything that i loved ripped away from me in the span of MONTHS#it’s all too much. l oh fucking l. no wonder im 3 shots deep at fucking 3 pm#it just hurts so bad. so fucking bad.
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Pros and Cons of being my favourite sibling
Pros: i will do anything you ask me and will buy you stuff and send you memes and make you art and I will literally die for you no joke
Cons: if you even hint that you don't wanna do something with/for me i WILL write your name on my suicide note
#i hate how because she's the only not horrible family member i have everything she does effects me emptionally to a degree that when-#she said no to me after i asked her to talk with my grandma cuz she wasnt mad at her I actually got so mad at her and like felt like i was-#about to blow up on her so i had to leave the room (that we share) and Im avoiding her rn like a baby#this is so dumb it aint even a fight she just expressed that she didnt wanna talk instead of me..#I get into nasty fights with my other siblings and then talk to them fine the next few hours because im used to them being horrible#just because she's nice doesnt mean have to put her in such a high standard. that she ALWAYS has to be nice.#and yet i cant help me getting upset. I cant control my feeling lmfao#ughhh#vent#the dib speakz!!#agony#suicide tw
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why is everything (showing other people respect. being patient and kind. not flying off the handle about stupid things. emotional regulation and self-control. et cetera.) so easy when I'm not around my parents and so so so so hard when I AM around them?
#this is a genuine question btw I need advice bc I'm STRUGGLING. idk why everything makes me frustrated and angry#when I'm around my parents and it's SO hard to be kind and respectful to them and my sister#but so easy literally everywhere else#I hate that I'm like this I wish I could genuinely be a nice person but apparently the person#I REALLY am is the horrible selfish lazy brat I am with my parents.#even though it feels 100% easier otherwise APPARENTLY the real me is the one I revert to at home#but being nice away from home comes so naturally?? so is THAT the real me??? idk what to do I'm so frustrated right now#Lu rambles#can my mutuals please weigh in bc I feel like a terrible horrible emotionally illiterate person rn#bc of a conversation in which I fought with my mom over the fact that I have a hard time respecting my middle school aged sister#bc I don't want her (bold. confident. sometimes a little bit of a brat as well bc humanity) thinking she can walk all over me#the way she acts always makes me feel like she thinks she's better than me but maybe it's just my mindset. bc I KNOW#that my middle schooler sister IS better than me in most ways and I HATE that. how can someone#so much younger than me be better than me at basically everything she sets her mind to?#and how can I ever have confidence in myself when I know that's the case??? it's so frustrating!!#ugghdnfnsngsmkgnskfnskd I need advice and prayers. and probably to go to bed early tonight.
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sometimes i forget you wrote ahb because you are this literal fandom celebrity and ahb was so popular for a while. but now you are my little sweet friend who i see on tumblr all the time. and you make jokes and tell us about your day and sometimes we talk. idk man the internet is weird, i love your blog and ily <3
not a celebrity!!!!!! in fandom or otherwise !!! this i can promise !!!!! (also u think i make jokes ???? hellooooo why is my ego like skyrocketing rn????? 🤭)
so happy to hear u love my little blog hi!!! this is so nice <3 we are just people chattin across the internet 😋 yelling to the void etc etc
love u back <3
#also ik this was sent w the nicest and bestest of intentions but fandom celebrity#makes me very nervous bc well it is simply not a thing#and when people start acting like it’s a thing then Bad Stuff starts happening#to regular people w jobs and lives outside of wizard fanfic writing#like life would just be so much better if we were all like ‘ah fellow human w feelings n stuff’#i’m doin a horrible job of explaining everything rn i’m sorry im tired#but yes okay <3 love u. not a fandom anything. just a freak on tumblr in 2024 🙂↕️🙂↕️#asks
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ououghhh
#oughh i need to restart my diet im feeling so baddd TwT#literally feel like garbage from the way ive been eating but ive been just so stressed and so much has been happening#that i didn't have ghe mental space to keep up with the diet and just kind of put it aside#but now i just feel constantly sick and full and im not even trying to restrict to eat like normal amounts im just going crazyy#doesnt help that my scale ran out of batteries and i keep forgetting to buy new ones#ughh#but yeag i feel reall bad and stuffed and sick constantly and the hunger cues are all over the place again and it's just#a horrible time#dude i felt so good physically when i was dieting i need to go backkkk#but it takes.... so much mental energy#i guess i have to pick one over the other ughhh#diet mention#weight mention#fuckk i dint wanna fuck up my progress either but tbh im not that worried about that rn im not going to regain everything from even a few#weeks of eating like shit#even now i just woke up and i feel really bad physically because of everything i ate ughhhh
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//went to the dr and all they did was take my fucking blood... again
#ooc#this time they're testing my vitamin d to see if i might be deficient#while i hope that's the case because that can be easily cured i've also HAD a vit d deficiency before and it felt NOTHING like this#granted i guess this could be a more severe deficiency#but idk i feel like they're laser focusing on the fatigue i initially reported and not the constant horrible body pain that's set in#and worsened in the couple months since i made the appointment#like i had the pain with the fatigue as well but it wasn't constant. now it's FUCKING CONSTANT.#it's not always at the worst possible level but it's pretty much always there in some form or another#and tbh this is like. the 3rd time they've taken blood with the first 2 tests yielding no clue as to what could be wrong with me#so i know they need to do it to check and/or rule out everything but like#it's so frustrating. being in constant pain. and constantly being told to 'wait for results' that so far have yielded nothing#nothing that points to what's wrong anyway#so i hope it IS a vit d deficiency and i hope my gut feeling that it's not is way off the mark#because a deficiency can be fixed with some supplements and boom all better#but if it's not.... then i have to face the reality that this is probably some kind of chronic illness#which i've been coming to realize that it might be#but it still fucking sucks#because this time last year i was Literally Fucking Fine#and now i'm just. so fucking sick. and sick of BEING sick.#and every time i go in i feel like i'm rushed right out. like i mention my concerns but i don't have the time to think if there's something#i've forgotten because they're rushing me towards the lab to get my blood drawn. again.#and usually there is#but this is literally the only clinic i can afford rn so#just gotta tough it out and cross my fingers that some vitamins are all i need
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sometimes i feel like rn it's really understated just how bad things could be if trump wins. like, actually. i feel like it's being forgotten that despite how bad things are right now, they would surely get WORSE.
#i dont want biden to win either#but is there really a big enough politician on the democratic party who the (still conservative) american population would vote for#HILLARY didnt even win and she's a generally non-offensive white woman#i know its like voting for 2 evils. but lest we forget there is definitely a MORE evil one here#and i think its the one who unabashedly tried to flush stolen documents in his toilet#i think its the one who wants to build the iron dome#i really wish i could say not to vote for biden. because trust i know very well all the shitty things hes done and stands for#(him clearly explaining ukraine & russia but dodging any questions about israel & palestine is enough proof of this)#but things around the world are going to get much much worse if trump wins#'cause hes just going to do whatever the republican party tells him to#downright evil those people could be at times#im still trying to gather my thoughts around this#as an outsider i cant help but be worried#because rn the us is a big factor towards the west philippine sea tensions#and honestly if we lose toast. like we're actually going to get colonized for the 4TH time#so im scared of what'll happen if trump were to ever take office again#00#sorry for the long tags btw#i fully understand that biden is a horrible person. i was pulling my hair out with all of you#but there are nuisances here that i feel shouldnt be forgotten#trump unfortunately really came out with a stronger swing after that debate#so i feel like everyone's sort of forgetting that no matter how horrible everything is right now#his only promise is to make things worse#and not voting only adds to his perogative
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nooooooo i have work tomorrow cries and cries and cries and cries and cries forever
#teeth.txt#i over extended myself last week and have been feeling like a horrible beaft ever since#my bf has been very kind and patient as i refuse to leave the apartment or use any coping skills#i did both of those things today but it took some work lol#anyways i think probably going out an doing something all day even if it is working#probably good for me right now#oh god i haven't made egg salad for my lunches#ok dragging myself out of bed to do that in a few minutes i guess#anyways i kind of hate my job but it does pay me a cool $19 an hour which is nice#scared a little bit of getting stuck there forever but also i'm thinking abt going to trade school next year so u know. probably i will not#ugh graduating college kind of sucks. wdym everything is different now? wdym i have to think about my future?#anyways. just trying to save money rn i guess. i have more in my savings than i ever have before which is kind of nice#ugh also i have to think abt transition related things -_- that's soooo complicated and lame
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genuinely don't think im equipped to handle this level of cunt severity
#hi waltorana i love you so much. you horrible man<3#kkm tag#no id#his little earrings his cape his everything....the gender envy i am getting rn#feeling the 'wish i were more masc so i could be more femme' in this chili's tonight
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