#everyone seems to think the thing you love is gross... does that mean they hate you too? is there something wrong with /you/?

[g0nta-g0kuhara]

Entomologist really was the perfect talent to give Gonta. What better field of study could you pick to parallel the guy whose entire character is drenched in misunderstanding and loneliness than that on the animals which are looked at by most people with complete disgust just for existing the way they do?

[stylesloveclub]

sunshine (part 1)

In which Harry's a dick and y/n is a virgin who cries a lot.

˙· .° ｡  ˚ ｡  ° . · ˚ ˙ · . ° ｡ ˚ ｡  ° . · ˙ · .° ｡ ˚ ｡ °.  · ˙ ‧̍̊  

Y/n wonders if she thinks too highly of herself.

She thinks she’s pretty. Not in an obnoxious, self-obsessed way! She knows she’s not a supermodel, and she definitely has a lot of days where she looks and feels totally dead – but at the end of the day, she’s not hideous. She splurges on pretty makeup products, does her hair in the mornings, spends a decent amount of time planning out cute outfits… you know, little things to make herself feel pretty!

She brushes her teeth twice a day, showers regularly, flosses. Wears pretty perfumes that smell like flowers and lip gloss that tastes like strawberries. There’s a stash of gum in her bag that she’s always chewing on, so she knows she doesn’t have bad breath; and she carries an extra deodorant in her backpack too, so you can’t tell her she’s repulsive or anything like that. 

She’s kind. She smiles at strangers and always laughs at people’s jokes (even if they aren’t funny)— holds the elevator door open and says a polite “good morning” or “hello!” with her happy, cheery voice. And even though she’s a bit shy, she tries her best to spread love and kindness in the world. It just makes her happy to make other people happy!

Plus, being nice means that everyone else is nicer to you. So even if she’s in a bad mood, she’ll fake a smile and pretend like she’s happy y/n.

But, she wonders... if she has all of these amazing qualities– if she really is as pretty and kind and wonderful as she makes herself out to be– then why hasn’t she been kissed yet?

She loves her friends, of course she does! But how is she so different from them? Why do all of her friends get asked out on dates and have amazing boyfriends while she’s still a lonely virgin who hasn’t even been kissed yet? 

It’s not like she’s this super virginal person who gets grossed out by boys! She wants to be kissed, she wants to get fucked! She’s toyed around with the idea of just downloading tinder and losing it all to some stranger in one night stand, but her romantic heart just can’t stand the thought of it. 

Yes, she’s desperate… but she’s also romantic. Love is on her mind 24/7. It’s what she thinks about before she falls asleep, what she daydreams about whenever she gets bored. She could spend hours with a romance novel, hyper fixating on the little things that most people wouldn’t blink an eye at. The way the boy’s hand cupped the girl’s jaw while they kissed, or how their fingers brushed as they walked down the street. Little things like forehead kisses and prolonged glances across a room. 

She craves it for herself, desperately aches for the affection that she reads of. She wants to rest her head on someone’s chest and listen to their heartbeat as she falls asleep, feel their fingers playing with her hair, or their lips skimming her cheek. Wants to laugh under the covers and share secrets and be vulnerable and in love. She wants it more than anything in the world! 

And yet, she hasn’t even been kissed! 

Everyone else seems to do it so easily – find a nice guy, go out on a date, and fall in love. So why is it so hard for her? Her friends tell her that she's the prettiest and sweetest girl out there, and that the right guy simply hasn’t come around yet… but y/n can’t help but think, is any of it true?

Is she even that pretty? Is she actually likable?

What’s wrong with her?

˙· .° ｡  ˚ ｡  ° . · ˚ ˙ · . ° ｡ ˚ ｡  ° . · ˙ · .° ｡ ˚ ｡ °.  · ˙ ‧̍̊  

Harry hates these stupid college parties.

They’re loud and stuffy, with way too many people crammed into one room for his liking. The alcohol is cheap, the music is annoying. The entire apartment smells like weed, and there’s not even a secluded corner for him to mope around in without some group of drunk girls completely invading his personal space. Everything about these parties sucks.

If he could, he’d leave. But he’s meant to give a ride home to his roomie Blake, and Blake’s currently hooking up with the host of this party. 

So Harry’s stuck here. Great. 

He checks his phone, and it’s nearly midnight. Blake should be done soon, right? The blonde girl who’s been talking to him for the past 20 minutes is getting awfully close, her hand trailing on his biceps and migrating towards his chest, and she’s blinking up at him with fluttery bambi eyes. 

Any other night and Harry might be into whatever this girl is hinting at, but he’s 100% sober and 100% not in the mood to hook up with a girl who’s taken one too many shots. He grabs the girl's hands and peels them off of his chest gently, muttering something about needing to use the restroom (he doesn’t even need to use the bathroom, he just needs a minute away from the pounding music). 

He sends her off in the direction of her friends, who are giggling to each other in a corner across the room and not-so-inconspicuously checking to see if their friend has managed to successfully get with Harry. He’s sure they’ve realized that he rejected her when they all glare at him. Sorry to disappoint, he thinks to himself. 

He’s nearly positive that any bathrooms in this shitty college apartment will probably be occupied, either with someone throwing up all the drinks they’ve had or with a couple hooking up. But no harm in trying anyway. 

The first door that he tries to open is locked. The second door opens up to reveal a coat closet. 

The third door however, opens up to a bedroom. 

The walls are decorated with posters and pictures, fairy lights hanging from the ceiling, and tiny pots of succulents placed all over the room… but the one thing that stands out the most is the overwhelming number of books scattered all over the room. There’s a bookshelf on each wall, cluttered with books of all colors and sizes. Stacks of books lie on the nightstand by the bed, a stray book sits on top of a dresser, and a pile of new, untouched books sits pristinely in the far right corner of the room. 

Books, books, and more books all over the room. And, a book in the hands of a girl sitting quietly in her bed, staring at Harry. 

Dressed in a hoodie and some fuzzy pj pants, the book that she’d once held up closely to her face now rests on her lap as she blinks up at this strange intruder. She sits upright, closing the book but sticking her finger between the pages so that she doesn’t lose her place. “Um… hi?” she says quietly. 

He steps into the room, and looks at her blankly. “Hi.” She blinks at him. “S’this room taken?” he asks.

“Um. Well,” she looks at him curiously. “No, I guess not.” 

“Okay, good,” he responds, quickly closing the door behind him. He sits on a spinny chair that he pulls out from under a desk and leans his head back, letting out a deep sigh of relief. 

The girl, with her finger still lodged between her book, stares at him confused. Who is this guy? 

He’s cute, and she’s mildly embarrassed that he’s come into her room when she’s looking so… sleepy. But he also seems kinda grumpy and is obviously not in the mood to talk. He’s leaning back in her chair and closing his eyes, gently rubbing his temples as if he’s meditating. 

She observes him with wide eyes. Then after a minute of silence she awkwardly picks her book back up and tries to resume reading. 

Kinda hard to do with some random guy sitting in her bedroom, though. 

In this secluded bedroom, the sound of the music has decreased dramatically. Harry’s pounding headache starts to fade away, and he feels himself start to relax for the first time since he arrived at this stupid party. He looks around the room that he so luckily stumbled into. 

The desk in front of him is, to no surprise, cluttered with more books. A laptop is plugged in in front of him, and there’s a cup full of colorful pens and markers sitting against the wall. Hanging on the wall is a string of pictures starring the same girl with different groups of people. 

He looks at the pictures hanging from the walls. Then he looks back at the girl laying in the bed. 

“S’this your room?” he asks, finally connecting the dots.

She looks up from the book again and nods. 

“Oh,” he hums, surprised. He supposes he should’ve realized it as soon as he walked in. Girl in a room full of books, reading a book. Face clean of all makeup, snuggled up in a blanket, nice and comfy as though she’s just about ready for bed. It’s a bit silly that he only made the connection once he saw her pictures up on the walls. “Why aren’t you out there partying?” 

“Um… not really my scene,” she says, closing the book and looking at Harry properly. Her nose scrunches up, “And it smells really bad in there.”

“Jesus, tell me about it,” he groans. “Could hardly breathe in there. In fact–” he says, already standing up, “d’ya mind if we open up a window? Still feels stuffy in here.” 

She shows no resistance as he slides the window open, accepting the fact that she’d be sharing her room with this stranger until the party was over. Harry sticks his head out and takes a deep breath of the cool, fresh air. Much better than the sweaty, smoky, sickly smell going on inside the apartment. 

When he turns back around, the girl has rearranged herself. She sits criss-crossed on her bed and looks up at Harry, fidgeting nervously with her lip bitten between her teeth. 

She’s kind of cute. 

Harry breaks the silence again. “I think your roommate is hooking up with my roommate right now.” 

“Oh.” She blinks. “Is your roommate Blake?” 

He nods.

“Yeah, Maddie’s been saying that she, um… you know,” she looks down at her hands as they play with a loose thread on the hem of her pants. “Wants to hook up with him or whatever.” 

He nods his head, leaning back against her wall with his arms crossed in front of his chest. As refreshing as the air is, the night time breeze is cold. 

“No offense,” he says, “But you don’t seem like you’d be friends with Maddie.” Maddie (y/n’s roommate) has jet black hair, wears heavy eyeliner and black lipstick everyday, and is at least a little bit high 90% of the time. Y/n, in comparison, has flowery bed sheets, a stuffed bunny tucked in next to her, and is hiding in her bedroom while a party being thrown in her own apartment. 

She just smiles softly. “Yeah, we met online. But she’s really nice.” 

He raises his eyebrow. “She seems like a bitch.” 

She defends her roommate immediately. “She’s not a bitch!” But then she thinks about it for a second. Maddie can definitely come off a bit… harsh at times. “Well… she’s usually really nice to me, at least.” 

That makes sense. It would be very hard to be mean to this girl, he imagines. She’s too nice. It would be like being mean to a puppy or something. 

Good thing Harry isn’t mean. He’s just… a bit of a grump. 

She taps her fingers against the cover of her book awkwardly, staring at Harry as he looks up to her ceiling and closes his eyes. He just wants to be in his bed right now. 

After a few more minutes of silence, Harry pushes himself off the wall. “I think Blake should be done,” he says, checking the time on his phone. “I’m going to leave now.” 

“Okay,” says the girl quietly. She watches as he leaves with a nod of his head, and shuts the door behind him. 

That was weird, she thinks. 

Whatever, though. She opens her book and forgets about it. 

+++

Don’t people say that drowsy driving is just as bad as drunk driving? What constitutes drowsy driving? Should y/n even be out on the road right now?

She doesn’t know. All she knows is that Maddie woke her up with a phone call at 2 AM, asking if y/n would come pick her up from Blake’s apartment cause she was too high to get back on her own and she doesn’t want to stay the night there. 

Y/n, being the sweetheart that she is, obviously wants her roommate to get back safe. So she’s in her car, at 2 AM, yawning every three seconds as she drives to the location Maddie sent her.

She texts Maddie from the car, but Maddie doesn’t respond. She calls her, then sends another text, but still no answer. After 10 minutes of no response, she goes up to the door and knocks. 

Maddie doesn’t answer. Instead, it’s Harry.

His eyebrows furrow as recognizes the girl from that party he’d been at two weeks ago. She looks just as comfortable as she did then, in a big pink hoodie and a pair of sweats. “What are you doing here?” he asks, his voice confused and his eyes doubting. Not many people come knocking at his door at 2 AM.

Unlike y/n, who looks like she just rolled out of bed and drove here (that is exactly what she did), Harry looks like he’s been up all night (he’s been playing COD). He’s not wearing a shirt and has a pair of sweats slung low on his hips, showing off a chiseled abdomen that acts as a canvas for a multitude of pretty tattoos. Y/n finds herself staring at the swallows that lie under his collarbones, the butterfly painted above his stomach, and the ferns lining a yummy pair of v-lines that point downwards… she swallows thickly and forces herself to look away. 

“Um,” she covers her mouth as she yawns, hiding her cold fingers with the sleeves of her hoodie, “Maddie needed me to drive her home.” She blinks sleepily, and can’t even bring herself to be embarrassed that she looks so dead.

“It’s 2 in the morning,” he scoffs. “Shouldn’t you be asleep?”

She blinks sleepily again. “I was.” 

Harry rolls his eyes. If it were him, he would not have gotten up and driven all the way over here. Someone else’s problems are not enough to get him out of bed. But, this girl… she’s too nice. 

He leaves her at the door and goes to Blake’s room, pounding on the door rudely. “Hey!” he yells, irritation evident in his tone, “your roommate’s here.” 

He hears a bit of shuffling, before Maddie stumbles out of Blake’s room, makeup askew and clothing only half on. She giggles up at Harry and apologizes playfully, but he just glares at her. Her eyes are glazed over and the whites of her eyes bloodshot, very obviously high if the way she couldn’t walk straight wasn’t enough of an indication. 

He feels bad for the stupid girl who drove all the way over here in the middle of the night because her roommate wanted to get high.

Maddie trips over her own feet and falls into y/n, who uses all of her strength to keep her roommate upright and walks her slowly down to the car. “Are you feeling okay?” Harry hears her ask quietly. He scoffs to himself.

He doesn’t get it. How the fuck has this girl not lost her shit? Her irresponsible roommate woke her up at 2 am and made her drive all the way to some stranger’s house, and yet she still manages to be so… gentle. So kind, to someone who barely even deserves it. So caring, to someone who seems to care so little. 

As y/n helps Maddie get into the car, she looks back up to the apartment and sees Harry watching them from the doorstep. They make eye contact for a few seconds, his eyebrows furrowed as he leans against the doorframe. His gaze makes her heart stutter, a chill running down her spine. He looks… upset. Almost like he’s mad at her.

It makes her frown. She wants to say something to him, apologize for ruining his night… but then Maddie sticks her head out of the car and vomits. 

Harry shakes his head and turns away. 

That girl is too nice for her own good. 

+++

“Hey.” Blake pokes his head into Harry’s room, where Harry’s busy playing a round on his computer, “Do you mind if Maddie and her friend come over?”

“Don’t care,” Harry mumbles, uninterested, not looking away from his game. 

“Sick,” he turns around to go back into his own room, but stops when Harry suddenly pauses his game and calls out to him.

“Who’s the friend?” Harry asks, turning around. 

“Y/n,” Blake answers. Harry stares at him, his brows furrowed. The name doesn’t ring a bell. “Her roommate.” 

“That quiet girl?” Harry clarifies.

“Yeah, that one.” 

Oh. So her name was y/n. 

Good to know. 

+++

It’s dark out when Harry finally turns off his game, sliding his headset off and stretching his back. He lets out a long groan as he feels his spine crack, a delicious feeling after being hunched over his controller for three hours straight. 

Standing up, he scratches at his stomach lazily, throwing his headset onto his chair. His arms feel a bit sore, having been to the gym earlier that day, and his hair is still wet from when he showered. He puts on a sweatshirt, finding his apartment too cold to be roaming around shirtless, and heads to the kitchen to find something to eat. 

He stops in his tracks when he finds y/n sitting in his living room all alone. 

She’s got a book in her hands, a thick, worn-out novel that looks older than herself. She’s sitting comfortably on their couch with her legs tucked underneath her butt, so engulfed in whatever she’s reading that she doesn’t even realize that she’s not alone anymore. 

It’s the first time he’s ever seen her outside of her sleep attire. She’s wearing a pair of loose, comfy looking corduroy pants, and a tight top that cuts off just below her ribs. Her chest rises and falls steadily, eyes skimming across the pages of her book so quickly that he wonders if she’s actually absorbing any of the words or not. She chews on her lip as she reads, eyebrows furrowed in concentration. 

When Harry finally speaks, it makes her jump in her place. “Where are Blake and Maddie?”

Her book nearly falls out of her hands as she whips her head around. When she sees it’s him, she relaxes. “Oh. Um,”  she sits upright, closing her book, “They’re in his room.”

He nods slowly, squinting his eyes. There’s no nice way to ask his next question, so he just spits it out bluntly. “Why’d you come over if you’re just sitting out here while they hook up?” 

She tucks her hair behind her ear nervously, feeling a little shy under his intimidating gaze. “Maddie was my ride to campus today. And she wanted to stop by here before we went home.” She shrugs quietly, “So I kinda had no choice.”

He huffs. Of course. 

Y/n says that Maddie’s nice, but Harry really doesn’t like her. How weird is it to drag your friend somewhere just to have them sit alone while you go hook up with someone? 

“How long have you guys been here?” he asks.

“Like, an hour.”

“So you’ve been sitting around doing nothing for an hour?”

She pouts. “I had my book.”

He blinks. She just sat here reading for an hour, while her roommate abandoned her to go hookup with Blake… and she’s okay with it? 

She is too nice for her own good. 

“Do y’want some pizza?” he asks, already opening the freezer.

Normally, y/n would say no. She’s kind of an unwelcome guest and she doesn’t want to be a burden on Harry. But… she hasn’t had anything since breakfast. And Maddie still hasn’t come out. She’s kind of starving.

“What kind?” she asks politely.

“Umm… cheese or pepperoni.” 

“I don’t like pepperoni,” she confesses shyly. “But also I could just pick it off if you want pepperoni. Whatever you want.” 

He rolls his eyes, shoving the pepperoni pizza back into the freezer. He wants to scream at her to stop being so nice! Stop being so considerate and just say what you want!

He puts it in the oven to bake, setting a timer for 15 minutes, then takes a moment to contemplate his next move. He could either go back into his room, where he could lie in bed and nap until the pizza was ready… or he could stay in here and sit awkwardly on the couch so that y/n wouldn’t be all alone. 

99% of him wants to just go back into his room where he can be grumpy and alone in peace… but then he looks over at y/n, who’s sitting on the couch all by herself. She looks so uncomfortable and out of place, tracing her thumb over the raised up font on the hardcover in her hands.

The 1% of him that feels bad for her wins. He sits down next to her on the couch. 

He nods his head towards the worn out book, which looks thicker than anything he’s ever read. “Are you reading the fuckin’ bible?” 

“No,” she shakes her head, laughing to herself quietly. She runs her fingers over the grooves of the title, a feeling so familiar that it comforts her when she’s feeling so out of place. “It’s Wuthering Heights.” 

He furrows his brow. “Never heard of it.” 

“It’s good,” she says. “Kinda dense, but I’ve already read it a few times. It’s one of my favorites.” 

He nods again, tapping his fingers on his thighs as silence overtakes the apartment once more. He looks around the living room, trying to find something else to say. 

Y/n’s heart pitter patters in her chest nervously. She can’t help but feel a bit nervous around Harry. She’s pretty shy in general, and Harry’s stoic demeanor certainly doesn’t help her relax. Her voice is quiet as she asks, “Um… what’s your major?” A feeble attempt on her end at a conversation. 

“Math.” 

“Just math?” she parrots.

“Mhm,” he cracks his knuckles. “Pure math.” 

She huffs out a quiet breath, a pout on her lips. “I’m in a math class right now.” Her fingers pick at a piece of fuzz that’s stuck on the couch. “Calc 1. It’s really hard.”

“Mm, yeah.” Harry hums, “Took that during my first year.” 

She looks at him with wide eyes, “Did you pass?” 

He holds back a smile. It’s amusing, how earnestly she’s asking him – a math major – if he passed Calculus 1. That class was generally easy for him, mostly just beginner stuff compared to the math he does now that he’s in his third year. But he doesn’t say that. “Yeah, I did,” he says simply, not wanting to make her feel bad.

She nods, looking back down at her book. “I’m kinda scared. Our first midterm was really hard.” 

He hums sympathetically. Even though it was easy for him, he knows that calc class is infamously hard for others – especially for those who aren’t math inclined like himself. “How about you? What’s your major?” 

His legs are spread apart so that he takes up nearly half the couch, whereas y/n sits curled up on the other corner, trying to take up as little space as possible. “Bio,” she readjusts herself so that she’s sitting crisscrossed, her book still clutched to her chest protectively. “With a concentration in ecology.” 

Ew. He hates biology. Actually… he hates everything except math. Math is easy for him. 

The oven beeps. A rush of relief fills his chest, finally free from this awkward conversation, and he eagerly abandons y/n on the couch to get the pizza out. He’s hungry, starving, and doesn’t bother with a plate or anything before grabbing a slice and shoving it in his mouth. 

“Come have some,” he mumbles, mouth full.

She timidly walks over to the kitchen counter that he’s standing at, wiping her sweaty hands on her pants, and takes a slice as well. Blowing on it, she takes a much smaller bite than Harry did since it’s still so hot. She doesn’t know how he managed to already finish a whole slice. 

Now that they can focus on eating their food, there’s no need for any more small talk. They eat comfortably in silence, only acknowledging each other when y/n asks for a napkin. He nods towards one of the drawers, asking her to grab him one too, and then they’re back to eating in silence. 

Blake and Maddie burst out of his room a few minutes later.

“Harry made dinner!” exclaims Blake, coming over and reaching for a slice of pizza. 

Harry yanks the tray out of his reach. “Get your own pizza,” he mumbles, putting the pizza back down in front of y/n. He looks at her, and nods his head towards the pizza, inviting her to take another slice. 

Maddie stops her before she can reach for a second slice. “Ready to go?” she asks. 

Y/n nods, wiping her hands on a napkin. “Thanks for the pizza,” she whispers to Harry, quiet enough so that only he hears. 

“Yeah,” is all he says. He barely looks at her, too busy scarfing down his third (maybe fourth) slice. 

She grabs her stuff and follows Maddie out of the boys apartment. 

+++

“Hey!” Maddie pushes her way through the stuffed apartment, reaching her hand out towards y/n. “Listen, I’m gonna go home with Blake.”

“W-What?” Y/n’s head is foggy, her brain a little clouded from the few drinks that she’s had. Y/n doesn’t normally drink, so the little bit of alcohol in her system has had its intended effect and gone a bit further as well – her cheeks are warm, and she feels the world sway a little bit as she looks up at Maddie with a pout. “But– but what about me?”

Normally, y/n stays home whenever Maddie wants to go out and party. She prefers the comfort of her own bed and hates the anxiety she feels when she’s drunk and wobbly and surrounded by a bunch of strangers. But Maddie had assured her that they’d be together all night, that she’d take care of her if she got drunk, and that she’d drive them home whenever y/n wanted to leave.

She’s broken all three of those promises. 

When they got to the party, Maddie abandoned her as soon as she saw Blake across the room. Luckily, y/n saw some of her own friends that she was able to hang out with, some girls from her ecology class who gave her a yummy strawberry smirnoff. They talked and laughed and y/n was having a good time, slowly but surely getting a little bit tipsy. The drink was so yummy, and Maddie wasn’t there to keep an eye on her, so she didn’t realize that she’d gone a bit over her tolerance. 

She’s a bit tipsier than she’d like to be in a public setting, surrounded with people she doesn’t know, and it’s too dark outside for her to get home safely on her own. And now… Maddie wants to abandon her? For Blake? 

“Don’t worry!” Maddie exclaims, completely disregarding the worry flickering in y/n’s glazed eyes. “I’ll order you an uber home!” 

Y/n bites her lip nervously. An uber? At this time of night, when she’s all drunk and stumbling around like a sad little baby deer?

“Um… can’t you take me home before you go with Blake?” 

Maddie rolls her eyes, “come on, really? I’ll pay for the uber. It'll be fine.” 

Y/n’s heart beats loudly in her chest, “I-I’m scared of going by myself, Maddie. I think I had too much to drink, I don’t feel safe.”

Her roommate purses her lips in a firm line, as if she’s annoyed. She looks around the apartment, tapping her foot impatiently, then she lights up with an idea. “Stay here,” she tells y/n. 

“Harry!” Maddie calls out, making her way back to the other side of the apartment. “Hey, Harry!” 

He’s sitting on a couch, next to a pretty girl in a tight black dress who has her legs splayed across his lap comfortably. There’s a furrow in his brow that makes him look pissed off, but his hand rests very comfortably on this girl's thigh and he makes no objections as she plays with the collar of his shirt. His head whips over to Maddie as she tramples her way over to him.

“What is it?” he snaps, voice closed off and irritated. 

“Can you drive y/n home?” 

He blinks. “Huh?” 

“Can you drive y/n home??” she says again, frustrated.

“Why?” 

“Cause I’m going over to your apartment with Blake and she needs a ride home.” 

He stares at Maddie unbelievingly, and peers over at y/n, who’s sitting all alone on the other side of the apartment. Her lips are pouted sadly, staring down at the floor with a far off look in her eyes. 

“Why can’t you take her home?” he grumbles, looking up at Maddie with a glare in his eye.

She huffs, impatiently stomping her foot. “Cause I’m going home with Blake right now! Come on Harry, it’s not that far! Please?” 

He shakes his head. “Fuckin’ unbelieveable,” he mutters under his breath, pushing the girl off of him as he stands up. 

“Thank you,” she sighs, dragging him behind her. “Y/n,” Maddie says, stopping in front of her. “Harry’s gonna drive you home.” 

She looks up, eyes wide and round. “H-Harry?”

“Yes,” she says harshly, “you guys are friends, aren’t you?”

“Um…” y/n doesn’t know what to say. She wouldn’t necessarily consider them friends just because they shared a pizza. 

Her night out with Maddie was meant to be fun, but right now, she just feels abandoned and kinda scared. And Harry doesn’t seem too happy about this either, which makes her feel even worse.

“Lets go,” he snaps, jaw clenching tightly as he swings his car keys around his index finger. She flinches at his tone and digs her nails into her palms nervously. 

She’s trapped. It’s either Harry takes her home, or she takes an uber all by herself. And she’s too scared to get home alone right now. 

With a final look towards Maddie, who stares back at her dismissively and shoos her towards Harry, she stands up shakily and follows Harry out of the crowded apartment. 

The air outside is much colder than the apartment, goosebumps immediately rising on y/n’s skin and making her shiver. Harry doesn’t acknowledge the way she stumbles over her feet, walking ahead of her briskly. She’s forced to keep herself composed, wrapping her arms around herself to keep warm and nearly jogging to keep up with Harry’s long strides. 

He unlocks his car doors and gets into the driver’s seat. Y/n opens the passenger’s side door for herself and takes a seat, buckling herself in quietly.

Turning on the car, he notices the way her arms are tightly crossed in front of her chest. He turns up the heat, and pulls out of the parking lot. 

They play no music and say nothing, driving in silence.

“Sorry you have to drive me home,” she says faintly after a few minutes. 

His turn signal blinks softly. “Can’t believe your roommate just left you,” he mutters irritatedly. 

She says nothing in response. She stares out the window, a lump in her throat as the drive past the streets of college houses and apartments. The red light they stop at and the name of the streets go blurry from the tears gathering at her waterline. She sniffles softly.

Harry whips his head to her. “Why are you crying?”

Her lower lip wobbles as the first tear falls from her lashes. She wipes it away quickly. “I don’t know,” is all she says with a watery voice.

He stares at her befuddled, brows furrowed and eyes a piercing green, but she refuses to meet his gaze. She just looks outside the window in a melancholy haze, lost in thought, eyes unfocused as tears drip down her face silently. 

He sighs deeply and taps his fingers against the steering wheel, praying for the red light to turn green so that he can get this girl home as soon as possible. 

+++

When they arrive at her place, he sits in his car and watches as she stumbles up the steps of her apartment. She mumbled out a soft thank you through her tears and managed to climb out of his car smoothly, but the way she wobbles on her feet makes Harry worry that he shouldn’t leave until he’s sure she got in.

She stands in front of her door for a solid two minutes, trying to find her keys, and Harry taps his fingers against his thigh impatiently. When she finally finds them, she struggles to fit the key in the lock, hands shaky and her vision still blurred from the tears. Aaaand then she drops them. 

Harry sighs and puts the car in park. By the time she’s picked the keys back up, Harry’s already gotten out of his car and reached the top step. He takes the keys from her and easily unlocks her door. “In,” he mutters, ushering her into her apartment impatiently. 

He follows her into her bathroom and turns the light on for her. Their eyes meet in the mirror as he asks, “can you get yourself ready for bed?”

She nods, looking down at the ground sheepishly as he leaves her to take off her makeup and brush her teeth. She opts to skip her skincare routine and doesn’t even bother with putting her jewelry back in her jewelry box, simply just leaving her earrings on her bathroom counter to deal with tomorrow. 

Harry’s probably gone back down to his car by now, she thinks. It’s so embarrassing, how he had to drive her home and guide her into her bathroom. He seemed annoyed with her. He probably thought she was so messy – an annoying, overdramatic girl who started crying in his car for no reason. 

More tears bubble in her tears as the hot wave of embarrassment washes over her. She was such a mess, of course she’s never been in a relationship. Nobody would want to date someone like her. 

She takes off her clothes and whips off her bra, sniffling to herself sadly. Slipping on her favorite sweatshirt, a huge pink one that goes down to her mid thighs and covers her hands, she uses the sleeves to wipe away the excess tears in her eyes. She stumbles over herself a bit and bangs her foot against her dresser as she reaches for a pair of sleep shorts and it only makes her want to cry even harder. Drunk y/n is extra emotional, and every little thing is sending over the edge. 

As she’s stepping into her pair of sleep shorts, her bedroom door opens, Harry walking in with a glass of water in one hand and a pill bottle in the other. She trips over herself as she tries to pull her clothes on as soon as possible, but it just makes her lose balance and stumble to the side. His eyes widen and he turns around quickly, muttering a quick fuck to himself. 

“Sorry,” he mutters. “Are you decent?”

Y/n regains her composure, cheeks burning as she pulls her shorts over her hips. This night could not be going any worse. “Yeah,” she says quietly. She hopes it’s dark enough in the room so that he doesn’t see her flaming cheeks and puffy eyes. 

He turns around and hands her the water, which she immediately starts chugging down. She didn’t realize how thirsty she’d been until she’d seen the glass in Harry’s large, tattooed hand. 

“Slow down,” he grunts. He pops open the pill bottle and takes out one Advil for her. “Take this.” 

She grabs the pill from him obediently and swallows it down with the rest of her water. Then she looks up at him, as if waiting for his next instructions. 

“Bed,” he says, nodding his head towards her daisy printed sheets. She goes to climb in but trips over her shoe that she’d messily discarded on the floor. Harry grabs her waist before she can fall to the floor though. 

“Jesus,” he murmurs. This was like the seventh time she’s almost fallen over tonight. Is she always this clumsy or was it the drinks? 

He grabs her hand and physically guides her into her bed, making sure she lays down properly and lifting the sheets for her to climb under. Grabbing her ankle, he literally has to guide her under the blanket, then lets the duvet fall over her gracefully. 

“All good?” he asks, once she’s tucked nicely into her bed, teeth brushed and medicine taken so that she wouldn’t wake up feeling gross tomorrow. 

She looks up at him, eyes no longer tear filled but still clearly sad. “Yeah..” she says quietly, however her eyes flicker around her room as if she’s searching for something. 

He furrows his brows, and glances in the direction her eyes have landed. A stuffed bunny lies on the floor next to the shoe that she tripped over. He bends over and picks it up, handing it to her questioningly. She takes the bunny and snuggles it into her neck, eyes fluttering as if she can finally relax. “Thanks,” she whispers. 

Harry nods curtly and heads for the door. When he turns around one final, y/n is watching him with sleepy eyes. “Bye, Harry,” she squeaks out. 

He stares at her for a second. “Bye.” Then he closes the door behind himself.

+++

Y/n wakes up with a pounding headache and an upset tummy.

That was mortifying. 

She’s never gonna be able to face Harry again. He was so annoyed with her, she just knows it! The way she dragged him away from that party, cried in his car, and tripped over herself like a stupid goat with clanky legs… oh, he probably thinks she’s the worst! 

She wishes she had more control over her emotions, that she could’ve held in the tears until she was alone in her bed… but she just felt so miserable last night. She had wanted to start crying literally when Maddie first yelled at her at the party, but she tried to stay strong. Kept herself together so that she at least didn’t start crying in the middle of a party.

But then… getting in the car with Harry. God. The deafening silence, the irritation radiating off of him… it made her feel terrible. She felt like a nuisance, like an annoyance and a burden. 

And she completely humiliated herself in front of Harry! The cute guy that she maybe sort of had started to have a tiny little crush on, simply because he was cute and mildly nice to her and she has a habit of romanticizing small interactions.  

There was no chance he’d ever want to be in a room with her after this. He probably wants nothing to do with her. 

She stumbles out of her bed and plants her feet on the ground, her head spinning a little bit as she squints her eyes. Her little stuffed bunny has fallen onto the floor again, and she picks it up and places it onto the bed next to herself. She remembers how Harry had picked the bunny up and given it to her before she fell asleep last night, like she was some little kid that he was stuck babysitting. 

Ugh. She’s never going to talk to him again. 

+++

Harry stands outside of his lecture hall, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed angrily. His eyebrows are furrowed in classic Grumpy Harry fashion and his lips are pursed in a disgruntled frown. 

He’s annoyed. 

He stares at y/n, who’s sitting on a bench not too far away. Her tote bag sits on the floor next to her feet and there’s a book in her hand, her finger in between the pages as a temporary bookmark to not lose the page she’s on. 

There’s something about her that just… annoys him so much. He can’t quite explain it.

The way her cheeks dimple as she smiles up at the guy talking to her, tucking her hair behind her ear gently when it falls into her face… it makes his jaw clench angrily as he watches her from a distance. She’s so nice. Too nice. 

She laughs at something the guy she’s talking to says and it makes his stomach feel sour. He doesn’t like it.

Blake’s hand snaps in front of Harry’s face. “Bro. Stop staring.” 

Harry forces his eyes to look away, brows still furrowed grumpily. “Wasn’t staring,” he mumbles, pushing himself off the wall and going into the lecture hall. 

“You were,” he responds, following closely behind. “She’s really nice… I dunno why you hate her.”

“Who says I hate her?” Harry scoffs. “I never talk to her.” Especially as of late, she’s quiet as a mouse around him. He was over at her apartment to pick Blake up the other day and she’d only said a quiet “hi” before scurrying back into her room, like a scared little bunny in the presence of a snake or something. 

“Well… I mean, you could be nicer.”

Harry furrows his brows. “What do you mean?”

Blake hesitates. “Like… I dunno. Maddie says you made her cry.” 

“Huh?” He thinks back to that night… “How was that my fault?” All he’d done was driven her home and tucked her into bed? She just started crying on her own!

“She’s just kind of sensitive,” says Blake. “I know you probably weren’t trying to mean, but you’re definitely not sunshine and rainbows. You’re scary, did y’know that?”

Harry rolls his eyes. Everyone seems to have this preconceived notion that Harry's this huge dick who never smiles… and though it’s true that he rarely smiles in the presence of strangers, he’s not an asshole! He just doesn’t feel like wasting his energy in pretending to like people he doesn’t actually like. Or smile when it’s much more comfortable to furrow his brows and pout grumpily. 

And he finds that usually his grumpy demeanor works in his favor – people stay out of his way, and he gets to avoid the headache that comes with interacting with people. But now this girl… this sunshine girl who always has her nose in a little book and always says please and thank you and is nice to everyone and stumbles over herself like a little puppy who's learning how to walk… she’s gone on and made him feel bad about it. 

How annoying is that? To have the nicest person on the planet think you’re scary?  

“I wasn’t trying to make her cry,” he mutters, irritated. “I didn’t even say anything to her.”

“Well maybe that’s the problem. Like… just try. I think you’ll like her.”

He doesn’t think so. She’s too nice. They probably wouldn’t get along. 

+++

There are three things y/n does a lot.

The first is studying. Her grades come first, always. She’ll be at the library for hours at a time, snuggled up in a booth with an iced coffee and her color coded notes, studying until she can barely keep her eyes open. It’s unhealthy, and she really should take breaks more often… but she just gets really nervous about her grades! 

She’s used to being at the top of her class, and has always been a straight A student.  But recently, she’s been struggling. She’s doing fine in her chemistry class, and absolutely thriving in biology. But calculus… calculus is her worst enemy.

The second thing she does a lot is reading. She’s been a bookworm for as long as she can remember. Her most frequent genre is romance (obviously!), but she’ll dabble a little bit in the popular fantasy series, maybe pick up a thriller every once in a while. And if she’s feeling sophisticated, she’ll try to read one of the classics… something philosophical, like Camus, or maybe something a little heavier, like War and Peace. But those situations are rare. She prefers her little world of romance.

The third thing that y/n does a lot… is cry. 

She’ll cry if she watches a sad movie, she’ll cry over a sad book. She cried when Finnick died in The Hunger Games, and she cried when she finished Of Mice and Men. She cries every single time she watches Pride and Prejudice (2005), sobs her eyes out when Mr. Darcy says, “You have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love- I love- I love you.”

She cries if someone yells at her, and she cries if she thinks someone doesn’t like her. She cries almost every time she’s drunk (example: when Harry drove her home), and she cries in the middle of the night when she’s feeling homesick. She cries for no reason when she’s getting close to her period… and sometimes, she cries because she’s just lonely.

Now, you might be thinking… y/n sounds super annoying. But please don’t think that! That would also probably make her cry.

She’s just a tad bit sensitive! She has so many emotions in her little heart, and she’s trying so hard to be responsible and manage life as a young adult but at the end of the day she’s just a girl!!! She’s just a girl, and she’s tired and stressed out and lonely and touch deprived, and sometimes she has a hard time keeping everything together so she just… cries.

If she could control it, she would! Do you really think she wants to be crying in the library? Of course, not! It’s embarrassing, and she’s trying really hard to keep her sniffles quiet and to suck the tears back into her eyeballs… but when she’s sad, she can’t stop the tears.

So now she’s crying in the library. And it’s all because of Issac Newton.

Why did he have to invent calculus? Like, what was even the point? Why did she, as a girl studying ecology, have to take this stupid class?

She buries her face in her arms, the tears unstoppable at this point, and just hopes that anyone walking past will think she’s napping and not crying her eyes out. 

She’d studied really hard for that last midterm. Like– she’d literally been in the library for a week straight, just doing calculus problems over and over again. She went to office hours to get help on all the questions she was stuck on, and was watching the Organic Chemistry Tutor’s videos religiously. She did so much math that she was literally having dreams about doing calculus. 

And yet, even with all of her studying, she still managed to fail the midterm. Like… she seriously failed it. As in, if she doesn’t get an A on the final, she will literally have to retake the class.

She’s so sad. She’s never gotten a grade this low, ever in her life. And she’d tried so hard!!! The morning of the midterm, she’d actually felt confident! She thought she had it in the bag!

She was so, so wrong. 

She feels stupid – not just because she failed the midterm, but because she’s literally having a breakdown about it in the library. 

This is stupid. Everything is stupid. School is stupid, Issac Newton is stupid, calculus is stupid–

“Y/n?” 

Uh oh. She tries to wipe away her tears discreetly, licking her lips and clearing her throat and desperately hoping that it’s not obvious that she’s been crying. 

When she lifts her head, she finds Harry standing in front of her. “Why’re you crying?” he asks bluntly, looking down at her with his brows furrowed.

Ok. So it is obvious.

“Um,” she sniffles, “Hi Harry.” She hopes that maybe if she pretends like everything is fine, then he won’t pry any further. 

It doesn’t work.

“Why are you crying?” he asks again. There’s not much compassion or comfort in his voice. Same old grumpy Harry, so blank and impassive. 

She shrugs her shoulders, feeling small and embarrassed. “I– it’s silly,” she stammers, looking down at her fingers. 

Harry doesn’t say anything, staring at her and waiting for her to continue. 

She swallows thickly. “I failed my midterm,” she whispers, her voice catching as a new lump grows in her throat. 

“How bad?”

One lone tear falls down her face as she shakes her head disappointedly, which she wipes away quickly. “Really bad,” she whimpers. Her cheeks burn hot as she realizes that she can’t hold back the tears any longer. She quickly averts her eyes from him, staring into her lap and hoping that he can’t see her face.

This is the second time he’s seen her cry, which is two times more than she would like. He probably thinks she’s some silly, over emotional girl… probably thinks she’s so annoying. She just wants to curl up in a ball, hide in a dark hole and cry by herself. She can’t handle Harry’s judgment on top of her shitty midterm grade.  

He stands there silently for a moment. Her lower lip has pouted out cutely and he can hear her sniffling quietly. “Was it math?” he asks. 

“Yeah,” she grumbles sadly. Stupid math. 

He hums. After another tense moment he asks, “Do you want help?”

“Help with what?” She stares down at her fingers, her tone dejected. The happy glimmer that usually sparkles in her eye is gone. 

“With math,” he clarifies. “I can help you.”

She looks up at him curiously, still pouting. “You’d help me with math?”

He nods, pulling out the chair next to her. “Let me see your midterm,” he says, nodding his head towards the packet of math problems she’d just been sobbing over. Embarrassingly, the front page is stained with a few tears, but she hands it over nonetheless. 

He scans over the first page quickly, reading the question and seeing how she answered it. “Do you know why you got this one wrong?” 

She sniffles and shrugs. She hadn’t even tried to look over the questions, too mentally exhausted to even try and understand what mistakes she’d made. 

“Look. You tried to cancel out the tan3x, which would make sense in any other case… but since it’s to the power of 4 you could really easily have used integration by parts.”

“Wish I knew that before I took the fucking midterm,” she huffs.

“Hey,” he tsks. “Learn from your mistakes so that you don’t make them again. You need to know this stuff to do integral tests later.”

She shakes her head. “I tried so hard, Harry,” she barely whispers, her voice exhausted. “Like I studied so much, and I really really tried to make it all make sense. But it’s just so hard for me.” She sniffles and wipes away more tears, taking a shaky breath and looking away from Harry. 

She doesn’t want to try anymore. She just wants to give up.

He purses his lips, brows furrowed. There’s something about seeing y/n upset that just feels so wrong. She usually brings so much… light into a room. Seeing her cry makes it seem like the entire universe has gotten a little sadder. 

“You’ve got the right idea when you’re solving these…” he tries to comfort her (though he’s never really been good at comforting people), “It’s just little things that you’re doing wrong. And it’s probably because you’ve got a shit professor who just has you copy down problems.”

“That’s literally all we do!” she whines, not even caring if she sounds like a baby. “He does the problems so fast and then I have to go home and try and figure out how he did it all by myself!” She sniffles and puts her head in her hands, more tears dropping from her eyelashes. She’s exhausted, her head starting to hurt as she exhales a shuddery breath. 

He lets her cry a little bit. “Listen,” he says gently, turning to face her. The normal furrow in his brow is gone, his gaze a little bit softer. “Next time you come over with Maddie, bring your notes and we can go over them together, okay?”

She sniffles. “Seriously?”

“Yes.” 

“Like actually?”

“Yes,” he says again exasperatedly, rolling his eyes. He stands up from the table and puts her midterm back down in front of her. “Lighten up, sunshine. One bad score is not the end of the world.” 

She feels a bit silly now that Harry’s witnessed her having another breakdown in the library. But, despite how little he said… he actually helped her calm down. This was not the end of the world. 

“Okay,” she whispers, “thanks, Harry.” 

He nods and walks away. 

Maybe he doesn’t hate her, she thinks to herself. 

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“I’m going out,” Maddie says as she walks into the kitchen, discarding her half full coffee mug on the counter as she grabs her car keys from the hook in front of the door. 

“Your mug!” y/n tuts like a mother. Maddie rolls her eyes as she pours the last of her coffee down the sink and puts the mug in the dishwasher. Y/n ignores the dramatic eye roll, knowing that Maddie’s just playing around, and asks, “Where are you going?”

“Over to Blake’s,” she responds with a wink. She’s been telling y/n about how she’s been waiting for Blake to text her all week because she doesn’t want to be the one texting first all the time… weird situation-ship stuff that y/n’s never experienced before. Seems like he finally texted her, with how excited Maddie is to be going over. 

Just as Maddie is about to step out the door, y/n remembers Harry’s offer. He’d been serious, right? He hadn’t just said that because she was crying… right? She really hopes not, because she really could use his help. She’d been up for hours last night, trying to do the homework, but ultimately giving up because she got too frustrated with herself. Maybe… maybe he’d be able to help her?

“Wait!” y/n calls out, “Um… can I come with you?”

Maddie raises an eyebrow, “Why do you want to come over to Blake’s apartment?”

Y/n turns a bit shy, “Harry… he’s, um, helping me with math.”

“Harry?” Maddie’s eyes glimmer curiously. “He’s literally such a dick. He’s helping you?”

“He’s not that bad…” y/n mumbles, remembering the ounce of kindness he’d shown to her in the library the other day. He’s just a little bit… reserved, she’s started to realize.

“Please. He literally never smiles. I dunno how you got him to talk to you, he always ignores me when I’m over.” 

(Honestly, she doesn’t blame Harry for not talking to Maddie… she sometimes ignores Maddie in her own apartment too…)

“You have two minutes to meet me in the car or I’m leaving without you!”

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With her schoolbag in hand, y/n taps lightly on Harry’s door. Blake had told her to just go in, but she feels like that’s rude, so she stands in front of his door nervously and waits patiently for him to open. 

“What?” he grunts, opening his bedroom door. “Oh.” The furrow in his brow softens the slightest bit when he sees it’s y/n. He’d thought it was Blake bugging him about something. Y/n is a much… nicer surprise. 

“Hi,” she says, chewing on the inside of her lip nervously. “I was wondering if… um, you could help me out with my calc stuff?” 

He stares at her for a second, then says, “yeah.” 

He opens the door wider and she follows him in. His room is messy, but not gross. The bed is unmade, three half full water bottles on his nightstand, and there’s a pair of sweatpants on the floor… but at least it doesn’t stink!

His computer screen is paused mid-game, and she realizes that he’d still been holding his controller when he’d opened up the door for her. He throws a jacket that had been thrown on the back of his chair onto the bed, and motions for her to sit. Then he pulls up another chair that was sitting in the corner of his room to sit next to her. 

“Let’s see it,” he says, shutting down his computer. 

“So…” she takes her laptop out of her bag, setting it down on his desk and turning it on so that she can open up her homework assignment. While it loads, she unlocks her ipad to the scratch work she’d done last night. “I was trying to do the homework last night, and I think I’m supposed to be doing integration by parts but honestly I’m not even sure how to do that… so I’m kind of lost.” 

Harry leans over her ipad and looks at the work she’d done. It’s… wrong. 

“Can I see your notes for integration by parts?” He asks, trying to figure out how she ended up with 1 as her answer when it should be a much larger, much more complicated mix of trig and integrals. She scrolls up until she lands on a page titled Chapter 7, and points to the second example on the problem. Her notes are cute, written in pink with girlish, bubbly handwriting. However, it’s clear that she’d been struggling to keep up with the lecture, some of her work completely scribbled out and replaced with messy numbers and formulas. Next to one of the big portions of scribbled out math, she's written “WHAT???” along with a sad face doodled underneath it.

Clearly she’s a bit confused. 

“Okay…” he scrolls down to a new page in her digital notebook and copies down the example problem that had confused her. “Let me show you how you do integration by parts first, and then we’ll look at the homework problem, okay?”

“M’kay,” she hums compliantly, crossing her legs and hiding her hands in her sleeves. She feels a bit… nervous. She doesn’t want Harry to think she’s stupid. But she’d rather have her ego a little bruised than fail the next midterm too. 

“So… you do integration by parts when you can’t just do normal integration… usually if there’s e^x in there or a natural log then you know that you have to do integration by parts.” 

She nods, following along quietly. 

“In this one… you have x times e^x dx… you have to break it up into two parts, U and dV. And then you take the derivative of U and find the integral of dV. And you plug that into the formula. Do you know the formula?”

She blinks at him. “Um…” she shuffles through her notes and finds it. “It’s this.” 

“Good… so what you do is you assign x to either U or dV and then e^x(dx) to the other… and then you find dU and V based off of that. Should we make x be U or dV?”

She purses her lips, “Make x=U?”

“Yes…” he nods. “Do you know why?” 

She shrugs. “I guessed.” 

His lip quirks up in the first smile y/n’s ever seen from him, a slight dimple popping up in his cheek. “S’cos we have to either find the derivative of U, or find the integral of dV. It’s way easier to use the derivative of x, cause it’s just one. If we made x equal to dV… then we’d add a fraction and a power of two to our equation and it’ll just make things ugly.”

“Oh.” She stares at his hands as he writes down what he just said in math terms, scribbling in his boyish handwriting that U=x and dU=1. “Okay.”

“So if U=x, then dV is equal to….”

“e^x?” she answers. 

“Good,” he says gently. “And what is V?”

She stays silent for a moment, searching the paper as if it’ll give her an answer. He senses her confusion and helps her out, saying, “IF V is the integral of dV, and dV is e^x…” 

“Well Isn’t the integral of e^x still e^x?” Her voice is unconfident, looking up at Harry with wide, round eyes.

“You’re right,” he says encouragingly, a soft smile on his face. “Stop doubting yourself so much.”

A reciprocating smile spreads on her face, feeling a little more confident with Harry’s praise. 

“All you do now is put your numbers into the formula. Can you do it?”

He hands the pen over to her, their fingers brushing. Her hair falls in front of her face as she leans over the page to write down her answer, and Harry watches softly as she tucks it back behind her ear. He notices how long and delicate her eyelashes are as he stares at her side profile.

“Is that right?” she asks quietly, trying hard to be confident but still so nervous that she’s done it wrong.

He tears his eyes away from her face. “Almost,” he says, leaning forward. Their arms brush against each other, the space that they initially had set between their chairs having shrunk as they worked on the problem together. She can feel his breath as he quietly murmurs next to her ear, “You just need to add +C at the end.” 

She furrows her eyebrows and turns her head towards him, and feels her heart stutter as she realizes how close their faces actually are. “What does the +C mean?”

“It’s just like… it’s supposed to represent any constants that we couldn’t find. Because when you take the derivative of a constant it just ends up being zero, so when you’re given an integral and doing the anti-differential process… you don’t know if there was actually a constant there or what it was. So the +C is just representing any constant value that could’ve been in the answer, even though you don’t know what the number is.”

She blinks at him. “Um… okay. I’ll just pretend like that made sense.”

He chuckles, the first time she’s probably ever heard him laugh. “It’s honestly not that important to get it. Just remember to add +C every time you take an integral.”

“Got it…” she says, adding the +C. 

“Think you can do the next one on your own?” 

+++

“Harry,” y/n pouts. “It says I’m wrong but I dunno why.” 

He pauses his game and slides out of his seat, going over to y/n. She’d relocated to his bed after they did a couple more problems together and felt confident enough to do the rest by herself. His chest brushing against her back softly as he leans over her shoulder, going over her work. “What’s the integral of sin(x)?”

“Cos(x),” she says confidently.

“Not quite…”

She sits there for a second, brows furrowed. “Oh!” she adds a negative in front of the cos(x).

“There you go,” he grins down at her. 

She lays down on his bed, her hair splaying out behind her as she throws her ipad on his bed, relieved. “Harry. You’re a genius.” 

He laughs, a quiet huff of air that passes out of his nose with an amused smile on his face. “So it makes sense?”

“I think you should be teaching our class. You’re so good. Thank you for helping me.”

He hums, giving her a satisfied smirk, and goes back to his game while she finishes her homework. It's a strange setup, sitting in his bed and doing her homework while he plays, but she doesn’t mind it. 

In fact, it’s kind of nice.

Harry’s kind of nice.

She kind of likes Harry.

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hope u guys loved it!!!!!! part 2 is up on my patreon already, and will come to tumblr next saturday (july 29) pleeeeaaaase lmk what u rhink and give her a rb and a comment i love u guys so so much!!!

sunshine - part 2 (already posted on patreon!) : In which Harry's a little bit nicer, and y/n is very excited to possibly, hopefully, maybe be kissed.

sunshine masterlist

[oceanwithouthermoon]

I like your saiteru posts but I can't shake the idea that Teruhashi only loves the idea of Saiki and not actually Saiki, especially since she hated when he gave her a glimpse of himself when he was competitive during their date.

ive seen this take floating around a few times, this whole "teruhashis mental image of saiki is wrong" "teruhashi wouldnt love him if she got to know him" "teruhashi hated any time she saw his REAL personality" and i just dont get it because like...

this scene?? the scene where hes being inconsiderate, rude, not taking her feelings into account, making her play games she doesnt even want to play, acting like a gooner, etc? THIS is the scene you thought was him showing her a glimpse of what hes really like??? where did you get that from?/genq

hes competitive, yeah, but this… isnt being competitive, its just being an asshole. thats not what hes like when hes trying to win. him wanting to win games and show off with his powers is not equivalent to being an inconsiderate tryhard who wants to make everyone do what he wants with no thought to what they want…

but youre ALSOOOOO forgetting that she actually did end up being like… “hehe i still wuv him 😚” after this…

so.. on THAT note, i need everyone to pay really really close attention to what im about to say…

she loves him when hes rude, inconsiderate, pushy, competitive…

she loves him when hes open, popular, kind, powerful, reading her mind…

she loves him when hes gloomy, monotone, boring, quiet…

she loves him when hes a GIRL.

so why is the conclusion here “she wouldnt love him for the real him”? the logical conclusion here seems to be “she would love him no matter what”

WHAT ABOUT THAT DOESNT SCREAM “LOVE”?

and regarding her "only loving his persona the same way people only love teruhashis", i think everything above disproves that anyway but i have to go more into it because not only have you misunderstood me but this also implies you think none of saiki and teruhashis friends truly love them at all 😭

saikis quiet, boring self isnt completely not him. its still him, just a different side of him than you might be used to as a viewer. you guys have to understand that although, yes, he is masking and putting up a front, that doesnt mean EVERY part of him that people see is fake 😭 its the same with teruhashi, she doesnt have a single tangible "true" self entirely on the inside and a single tangible "fake" self entirely on the outside, its NOT completely black and white! PEOPLE arent completely black and white!

youre forgetting that me saying those guys (the kokomins and all those gross ew men) dont love her because they dont know and see her was accompanied by a picture of them literally asking her to continue validating them immediately after she woke up from passing out 😭 they quite literally dont love or care about her, not even about her image, they just like the idea of her image and want her to make them feel good. the whole "nobody sees and knows and loves her" doesnt apply in the same way to yumehara and their other friends, they may not truly see her with the same depth that saiki does but that doesnt mean their care for her is fake, because they DONT care more about her image than just her and being in her company even if they do still see the parts of her that ARE fake.

you cant just take the idea that they fake a lot of themselves around others and morph that into "every single thing people see of them is fake and every single thing they dont see is an accurate representation of their true selves", it just doesnt work like that 😭 regardless of saikis power and silliness and sweetness and competitiveness, hes still a quiet guy with a gloomy face. and regardless of teruhashis cuntiness (lol) and competitiveness and obsessiveness and silliness, shes still a sweet girl who enjoys making people happy. they can be BOTH and thats okay!

this misunderstanding is like youre hearing someones thoughts and thinking "oh what a blunt person" like well... no because not everything in your head defines your personality or is something youd ever want or need to say aloud. everyone thinks crazy things, had wrong initial impressions, etc, do you see my point?? am i getting this across properly??? saiki still enjoys sitting in his house and doing nothing but eating coffee jelly and playing video games and teruhashi still enjoys when she makes people happy, those things arent fake just because they contribute to their fake personas... saiki also would not have been singing and doing standup or whatever the hell people are convinced he wouldve been doing at the mixer with someone hes "more comfortable" with, he doesnt do that shit around anyone 😭 not around his family and not around the psychickers, so im not sure where people got the idea that her thinking he would sit there and do nothing was her not understanding him or that the way he was making the guys act was how he truly wants to act 😭 he can sing and crack jokes but he never has around anyone so we dont know if thats what he wants to do, i dont even remember him making jokes aloud to the psychickers other than being a little sassy ☠️ the most i remember is him making short silly jokes to tease his dad or toritsuka... you guys just assume that hes the type of guy to stand up and sing and yell and make everyone roll over laughing because idk... maybe you cant stand the idea that your fav might not be a sexy loud confident alpha male and might actually be a little guy who loves video games and watching people and being a little brat on occasion ☠️

i feel like this take is just you guys taking both their insecurities SUPER seriously, because what else could be making you think that ANYONE who doesnt know about his powers doesnt truly love or care for saiki??

anyway... it clearly just doesnt matter to her how he acts because she just loves him and enjoys his company no matter what. thats love.

[humblefryingpan]

The "Amy likes spiders" poem in doki doki literature club (Natsuki's second poem) just makes me think of being closeted with internalized homophobia and I think it works really well for her

There's the poem if you haven't seen it!

(This is just me analyzing the poem and it's probably my longest post yet. I've been overanalyzing all the poems but this is the only one I've typed out atm lol)

It specifically makes me think of four things - Yuri liking different things and her disliking her for it, Natsuki being so far in the closet that she'll take any excuse to avoid the pretty girl™, Natsuki's self projection onto "Amy" and most importantly internalized homophobia, like I said earlier

It generally makes me think natsuri but I'll get to that later. So if we go from the internalized homophobia + closeted perspective (more like raised homophobic and doesn't know she's gay but ykwim), it reads as "a girl I know is a lesbian and Im meant to hate her for it. She's pretty and she makes me feel things but I can't be friends with her because she's a lesbian"

'The narrator' (Natsuki) heard a rumor that a girl, "Amy" (the lesbian), apparently likes 'spiders' (girls) and is repulsed. And that's why she isn't friends with her.

"Amy" sings the narrator's favorite love song, her voice is cute and it's making her heart pound. But she still likes 'spiders', so she can't be her friend.

She hurts her leg and "Amy" helped her get to the nurse. She tried to avoid touching her because her hands might be gross due to touching 'spiders', so she still can't be her friend.

"Amy" is very popular, but "she probably talks about spiders" (being gay). "What if her friends start to like spiders too?" (This entire verse rlly speaks for itself)

The next verse is shortest and even more repetitive than the rest of the poem (to emphasize her point) "it doesn't matter if she has other hobbies, it doesn't matter is she keeps it private, it doesn't matter if it doesn't hurt anyone" because to the narrator - she can't be "Amy's" friend, no matter how bad she wants to, because she's always going to be a 'spider lover' (lesbian) and she won't be able to ignore that.

And then the final nail to seal shut the door to the closet - "it's gross, she's gross, the world is better off without spider lovers. And I'm gonna tell everyone" because she needs everyone to know she hates 'spider lovers' to make sure no one knows she is also one. It's so gross because she was taught it was and now she can't stop thinking it's gross, no matter how nice/pretty/kind "Amy" is.

Onto the natsuri part so if you don't like that ship feel free to skip the rest of this (if you're still here lol)

Yuri and Natsuki like such different things (creepy and complex vs cute and simple) and they reach the point where they've argued so much that Natsuki doesn't want to admit she doesn't dislike Yuri. Even if she likes her poems, she'd never tell her because she feels like she can't at this point.

Natsuki couldn't see past their differences for a while, when she finally does, she's too embarrassed to apologize and too uncomfortable to befriend her without apologizing.

Nearly every verse of the poem will talk about how great the girl is. How she has a cute voice, she helped her, she has lots of friends, she makes her heart pound. But every verse she will still come back to "but she likes spiders. That's why I'm not friends with her". It feels like her gradually warming up to Yuri but still reminding herself that she can't be her friend, they're too different, Yuri likes creepy things (Yuri probably does like spiders so that's a bit more literal but it's also that spiders seem to symbolise everything she likes that Natsuki doesn't) and she couldn't be friends with someone so different.

And lastly, Natsuki's self projection (this is what the meaning is said to be in-game), meaning "Amy" is Natsuki herself. Natsuki likes manga and her friends won't believe it counts as literature. Her manga is the spider in this interpretation, she doesn't want people to judge her based on what she likes. She's had to be so defensive about what she likes, she may even judge herself for liking it at this point. She doesn't want people to judge people by their interests.

I keep seeing people say that Amy is a real person but that's one of the only interpretations that makes no sense to me. Because Natsuki may be a bit judgemental but even she wouldn't make an entire poem about disliking her classmate's love of spiders. She said herself that anyone that agrees with the narrator in the poem is a bad person. It's far more likely that "Amy" is a made up idea, she's barely even shown as a person. She's seemingly meant to be symbolic of Natsuki's flaws and insecurities, whatever you perceive those insecurities to be.

Portraying Amy as an actual person kinda cheapens the poem, at least in my opinion, because she was talking about how people should be given a chance no matter what (or who) they like and if Amy was a person it wouldn't make sense

[death-in-a-handbasket]

Could you maybe write some nsfw headcannons for Andrew my beloved

andrew is a curious character in terms of sex and fuckability, on ao3 he ranks in 5th place out of idv characters with E rated x reader fics, granted, idv x reader is not a huge race to win in, it's a very very sparse category but making the list anyways is still curious, people want to fuck that churchboy bad

my thoughts on him are a little less risqué I fear. he has the set up viability for all sorts of inappropriate religious tags, (incorrect use of a confessional would be a great one in this field, it couples well with the catholic guilt and body worship) as well as a fair contender for much more morbid tags in the field of necro. frankly though, for as much as I am a pervert and a great enjoyer of white boys who kill, andrew reads to me as a man much too preoccupied for the notion of sex

he's got his self worth to ponder and bodies to exhume, he seems like he dedicates more time to brewing animosity towards the world that hates him and trying to plot how to get his corpse quota filled than he would ever dedicate time to jacking off, so when I say this guy is an ultra virgin, I MEAN this guy is an ultra virgin. this is not to say he's naive, no no I will not allow this man to get tossed into the tar pit of innocent baby, he's certainly aware of things but would rather not make eye contact with said things that could potentially sully his soul with sin--or worse--distract him from his purpose. but let's give this universe a spin and see if we can make him fuck, what does it take to get there?

he's pretty null and void when it comes to social skills too as he is incredibly stiff and offputting and holds at least a grain of suspicion and paranoia towards everyone,, so trying to make the claim that he even has passable flirting skills is generous, if not an outright lie

what I'm saying is, you're going to have to make all the moves, because he's doing #noneofthem 🎉 additionally, expect to be turned down a lot too, because once again this churchboy is not engaging in sin and he must stay focused! so you will end up flustering him a lot, maybe even to the point of him getting a little irritated and angry (though he tries to bite it back), after all, the audacity to think someone could sway a man like him into temptation?! scandalous truly

your two options from here are either to slowly (and I MEAN slowly) but surely form an emotional bond with him over several years until he allows you to get saucy with him (because ooooh closeness and intimacy tastes so good when you're deeply in love) OR, you keep harloting towards him until this running bit isn't a bit anymore and he starts becoming haunted by the prospect of getting laid. like shaking in bed awake at night because his brain is haunting him. he finally gets the time and nerve to jack off and feels gross for weeks after because of all that damn sin. both routes ultimately require dedication though cause he's not exactly an easy man to seduce and besides the obvious religious aspect, I think he's a bit scared to fuck and also thinks he's undeserving of the fuck too (after all, why on earth are you attracted to him?? he thinks he's but a meager man of dirt value and unattractive to boot, someone wanting to hit sounds as absurd and impossible to him as him being crowned god. bro's self esteem is in the TRENCHES)

I digress, all this preamble, but the real meat of how this man fucks? he's doing it scared style, he's doing it anxious cornered animal style, he's doing it "oh jesus take the wheel I'm going to hell" style. this man's shame, discomfort with his own body, and lack of experience make him nigh deer in headlights during sex, again, you will in fact have to be making all the moves because he's #doingnoneofthem 🙌 I wouldn't quite classify him as a sub because I don't think he truly yearns to submit to someone, rather I think you have to sort of dom him by default because he doesn't know what he's doing and he might go catatonic if you make him try, I don't think even HE knows how he made it this far. regardless if it's you taking the wheel though or him attempting to lightly take charge after getting some experience in, two things will remain for him: the tendency to hyperventilate because the experience is a rush and he's feeling All Too Much All At Once, and being kind of needy. this man has never had an ounce of loving human touch so once he's over the ridge of panic it kind of devolves into not wanting to let you go, he's STARVED of that closeness

all that said, I don't think he lasts very long and he certainly doesn't fuck hard either, very tentative and shaky and slow. I think giving or receiving head is a bit much for him so I'd imagine he'd object to such things, hand stuff is okay though 👍 he's not really kinky or super into powerplay, I don't imagine he has any outlandish fetishes either. best case scenario in terms of squeezing a little freaky out of him is some light worship stuff, but that really depends heavily on whether you pass his judgement as someone to worship, for an example I think if you took the harlot route this would not apply, BUT harlot route does give you exclusive access to defiling the holy by attempting seduction in the church or graveyard (unlikely to come to fruition though he really has a hard limit on wanting to at least fuck in his own bed)

he's really one of those guys that if you want to fuck him you have to appreciate him for his stiff demeanor and aghast cross clutching at the notion of being diverted from his purpose for the sake of sin, and you must want him without expecting something greater and kinkier. this man is ultimately pretty vanilla I think, more than anything he probably just wants more domestic stuff as an expression of love and his libido isn't really in his life as a pressing thing he craves to the point of needing required satiation, but one can always dream of greener blasphemous pastures 🤌

[moonlightspencie]

And I Will Follow You Home

Chapter 6 of ‘treacherous’

Pairing: Remus Lupin x fem!Reader

Word Count: 3k

A/N: the final chapter! i may do some blurbs within this universe if anyone wants them as well, but this series is officially complete.

“Hey,” a voice came softly.

Remus turned towards the wall, unwilling to move from the bed.

“Remus.”

“What?” 

Sirius sat with his friend, putting a hand on his shoulder. “Come on, there’s a meeting downstairs in ten minutes. Most of the others have already arrived.”

Remus fell silent again, clenching his jaw. Sirius huffed a sigh, shaking his head to himself.

“You can’t keep skipping the meetings, mate. They’re important. You’re acting like a big baby.”

“You don’t understand–”

“What I understand is that she’s still showing up, and you’re not. Considering you’re so hung up on your age, you’d think you’d be more inclined to act like an adult.”

“I can’t look at her,” Remus admitted quietly, pulling the covers over his shoulders.

He had hardly been able to look at himself in the mirror after that night, let alone come face to face with you. You’d admitted you loved him, and all he could do was wreck it. It’s all he ever seemed to do, he thought, was to wreck things. He knew he was acting like a child and a coward, but he couldn’t bring himself to admit he’d wanted you just as much. Now he was coming to terms with the fact that he may never have the chance again.

“She still looks for you every time she comes into the house, you know?” Sirius said, crossing his arms.

“Probably so she can steer clear.”

“You’re the one who practically told her no.”

“No, I didn’t,” he snapped suddenly. “I didn’t. I just–”

“You just told her you didn’t want her right now. That’s just as bad, mate.”

He was quiet, the guilt creeping in again, washing over him. Sirius let out a breath, standing from the bed.

“We start in ten minutes. Be there, Mooney, or else I’m bringing everyone else up here,” he stated, then left the room.

You were sitting in a chair in the kitchen, trying hard not to think about the fact that Remus was a staircase and a couple of doors away from you. It had been weeks since you’d seen him, and unfortunately, absence really did make the heart grow fonder. You fiddled with the spoon you’d used for your tea nearly an hour ago, waiting for Sirius to return. So, it felt extra foolish when your heart began racing as you heard someone enter the kitchen, only to find Sirius giving you a small smile.

“Oh. Hey.”

He quirked a brow. “Wow. What a warm welcome that was.”

You let out a short laugh. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay. I get it. Tall, dark, and moody’s more your thing,” he teased, sitting next to you. “He’ll be at the meeting today.”

“Oh.”

“Oh?”

You shrugged. “I mean… what else am I supposed to say?”

“I don’t know,” he shook his head. “I just hate seeing you upset like this. Thought it might cheer you up to see him.”

“What, you think I’ll be all fluttery and excited for him to ignore me all evening?”

“Snippy.”

You sighed. “He doesn’t… He avoids me at all costs, now, Siri. I should’ve just kept my mouth shut.”

“No. You were in the right. He’s just a big baby who can’t handle his emotions.”

“Mm.”

“Hey,” he said softly, waiting for you to look at him. “He does love you.”

“Not enough.”

“But one day–”

“It shouldn’t be an if-and-when, Sirius. The world is literally falling apart and he still refuses to be with me. What else would possibly compel him?”

He swallowed, looking a little more somber as his eyes darted down to the counter. “I don’t know, Sunshine. But you both deserve to be happy.”

“Tell that to him.”

“I’ve tried. He’s a stubborn fucker.”

You laughed a bit at that. “He is.”

“You love it about him, though, don’t you? Head over heels for some raggedy, old mule.”

“Hot, raggedy, old mule, to be fair.”

“Gross,” he laughed.

“But… no. I really don’t love that bit about him. I wish it would catch on fire and disintegrate.”

“Come on, but then he wouldn’t be Mooney.”

“But he’d love me.”

He opened his mouth to respond, but came up short, merely pulling you into his side in a hug. You let him hold you, leaning into him. As if on cue, though, Dumpling came strolling in, his chubby little body bumping against your feet, heading straight for his favorite uncle.

“He’s obsessed with you,” you said, watching as Sirius picked him up.

“Who wouldn’t be?” He winked, that cheeky smirk of his shining through as he kissed Dumpling’s soft forehead. “Horrible little beast. Quite the attention hog.”

“Two peas in a pod.”

He chuckled, cradling the cat as Dumpling purred away. You reached over, petting the little traitor as he snuggled up happily to Sirius. You hadn’t even registered that anyone had come into the kitchen until you heard a voice that had you jumping out of your skin from one small word.

“Oh,” Remus muttered softly, freezing up as he looked between you and Sirius. Though he never quite met your eye. “Sorry. Just came for some tea before the meeting.”

“There’s a kettle on the stove. Probably just needs to be heated again,” Sirius responded.

“Right,” Remus nodded, walking quickly to the stove.

Your eyes followed him the whole way, that familiar warm feeling still blooming in your chest as it always did when he was around. 

“I brought a new flavor. Vanilla Caramel,” you blurted out. “If you want some. It’s sweet.”

Remus nodded, not turning around. “Okay.”

You chewed your lip, watching him carefully. You wanted to go over there and kiss him silly again. You also wanted to slap him. But mostly, you just wanted him to look at you.

“I made Sirius go for some cream, too.”

“Right.”

“Your favorite mug is in the cupboard.”

He only nodded that time.

You huffed out a breath, looking to Sirius for help, though he was too preoccupied petting your cat. You looked at Remus again, still standing like stone in front of the stove. You suddenly stood, going to the cupboard to get his mug. You brought it to the counter you were sitting at, setting it right in the center. You then went to get the cream and sugar, leaving them next to the mug. Finally, you reached for the tea, putting a bag in his mug before you sat down again. If he wouldn’t look at you, you could at least get him to face you.

“Why’d you do that?” Sirius asked, a little bewildered at your behavior.

“Thought it would be easier for Remus to prepare his tea if it was all set out.”

Sirius raised a brow at you, then glanced at Remus who was just turning off the whistling kettle.

“Well… Dumpling and I will be… somewhere,” Sirius nodded once, a tiny smirk in your direction as he stood, walking out of the room with the cat.

Remus finally turned, pouring the steaming water into the mug. “You didn’t have to do this.”

“I know.”

He was quiet, filling the mug and then letting it sit for a moment as the tea leaves steeped.

You watched him for a second. “You’ve been missing meetings.”

“I’ve been busy.”

“With who?”

He huffed a sigh in frustration. “Nobody. You know that.”

“You’re acting like you have something to hide. How am I supposed to know?”

“You should know because I…” he shook his head, cutting himself off. “I’m not seeing anybody. I’m not even talking to anyone except for Sirius.”

“Hm,” you nodded slowly, then looked back at him, studying his face as he looked into the cup. “I’ve missed you.”

“Please don’t start.”

“You’re being a dick. We were friends first, you know? I’m allowed to miss you.”

He finally looked at you, feeling his chest compress when he met your eyes. He wanted to snark back. He wanted to push you away. Despite the guilt he felt, he didn’t want to hurt you even more. But his pull to you felt just as magnetic as ever.

“How do you not hate me?”

“Probably because I love you.”

He shook his head. “Don’t say that.”

“Quit trying to tell me what to do,” you shot back. “Trust me, if I could stop, I would.”

He frowned, looking back at his cup of tea, wishing he could drown in it. His jaw clenched, his head shaking softly again.

“Darling…”

“You said you didn’t want me,” you uttered quietly.

“No, I didn’t.”

“You may as well have.”

“I don’t want to lose you. There’s a difference.”

“That’s fucking ridiculous, and you know it.”

He sighed. “How? You’re… you’re everything. You’re brilliant and beautiful and kind and… and I don’t deserve someone like you.”

“Why do you have to insist on–” you stop, groaning in annoyance. “I can’t keep arguing about this. Why can’t you just trust me?”

“It’s not you I don’t trust. It’s myself.”

“You’re so dramatic,” I roll my eyes. 

“No, I’m not. I’m being–”

“Sirius told me about you breaking his lamp. That’s drama.”

His cheeks went pink. “I only did that because you stormed out on me!”

“Yeah, because you all but told me you would never be with me!”

“I told you I loved you!”

“No, you didn’t. I said you didn’t and you said ‘I do’. That’s not the same thing as saying the words.”

“Well, I… I…”

You stared at him, waiting for him to continue. He blinked, staring at you with wide eyes.

“I love you.”

You all but gasped with the breath you sucked in, your stomach fluttering as his eyes were still glued to yours.

“Remus…”

“The meeting is starting soon,” he said, abandoning his tea on the counter as he started to move towards the door of the kitchen.

“Please don't do this again,” you begged, grabbing his arm. “Please. Stop running.”

“Baby, I can’t look at you without wanting you in every way possible. Please don’t make this harder for me.”

“You just said you love me. Just let me believe that’s true.”

He shook his head, turning to you fully. “It is true.”

“Why are you trying to leave again, then? Stop doing that to me.”

“I– I already told you. I can’t lose you.”

“The only way you’ll lose me is by pushing me away like this,” you said, voice raised in frustration. “We already did this once, Remus, and then you avoided me for a month. Don’t do that again.”

“You don’t understand what this is for me–”

“Then make me understand.”

He let out a shaky breath, his eyes drawing all over your face for a few moments as you waited with baited breath for him to say anything. He went over every possible response in his head, but only one won out.

You shuddered a breath against him as his lips suddenly met yours in a kiss that was far more hungry than the one you’d shared last time you were together. His arms went around your waist, pulling you tightly into his chest, his grip possessive and needy. His tongue pushed into your mouth, leaving you whining softly, your hands in his hair.

“Don’t ever tell me I don’t love you,” he muttered against your lips as he broke away for a moment. “Or that I don’t want you. I want you more than anything.”

“Then have me,” you whispered back.

He stared at you, his eyes hooded and focused in on your lips. Though, you were both taken out of it as you heard Dumbledore’s muffled voice calling the Order meeting to start.

“Fuck,” you breathed out, head dropping against his shoulder.

He took a few deep breaths, stroking your hair softly. “We should go.”

“I know.”

“We can… We can talk about this later…”

You looked up at him. “You have to promise you won’t run again. Actually listen to me this time. I don’t want to argue.”

“Baby.” He frowned a little.

“Please, Remus. You can’t kiss me like that and expect me to be content with friendship.”

“I–”

“Just promise you’ll listen this time.”

“O-okay. Okay, fine,” he nodded. “Promise.”

You stared for another few seconds before nodding as well. You then broke away, intending on going to the meeting, though not before he grabbed your arm, pulling you into one more kiss. His lips moved against yours softly, but certainly not lacking passion. It only lasted for fifteen seconds before he pulled away again.

“Okay,” he whispered. “Okay, we can go now.”

You nodded, hoping you’d be able to pull yourself together enough to not be a flustered mess through the meeting. Though, you were certain by Sirius’s shit-eating grin when you’d both walked in that he knew within milliseconds. The bastard.

The meeting felt excruciatingly long, your gaze frequently being drawn to Remus who looked as calm and cool as ever. Also a bastard.

It wasn’t until you were back at Remus’s home, however, that you really started feeling the nerves kick in. You were in the living room, in the spot you’d always sit in, waiting for him to bring the tea. You stared hard at the coasters on the coffee table that hadn’t moved since the first time you’d ever been in the room. Now, though, you felt compelled as you leaned forward, pushing them a little closer together.

He came out a few minutes later, glancing down at the coasters, noticing their new position. He smiled a little to himself, though didn’t say anything as he sat down the mugs of tea. But this time, instead of sitting with you, he went to get a book from his shelf. You watched curiously as he browsed, searching seemingly for a specific book.

“What are you looking for?”

“Hold on.”

You chuckled softly. “Pardon me for the impatience.”

He shook his head, the ghost of a smile on his lips. He finally pulled out a book. “Ah.”

“Which one is that?” you asked as he came to sit next to you, closer than usual. 

He flipped through the pages, looking for one in particular.

“Here it is,” he said at last, showing the page to you. “Do you remember this?”

You nodded. “Of course I do. It's the first thing I ever read to you here.”

“It is.” He nodded, reading over it. “I… This line, here. The underlined one…”

“‘If equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me’,” you read from the book. 

“If you can believe it… I was convinced I loved you then. I was sure you’d never feel the same. And then… Then I found out you did. It terrifies me.”

“It terrifies you that I love you?”

He nodded, looking directly at you. “You’re too good for me. You have to know that.”

“Stop saying that.”

“It’s true.”

“No, it’s not.”

“It is,” he replied softly, bringing a hand up to your cheek. “It is true. And you can believe it isn’t all you want, but–”

“Stop. Please.”

“You need to understand.”

“I understand that you think you’re some kind of monster. I understand that you’re scared. What you need to understand is that I don’t care about any of that,” you say softly. “Remus… You’re right that it would be hard to be together sometimes, with everything going on. I could go be with someone who’d be easier to be with, but I don’t want anybody else. Hell, I worked day and night just to develop a potion because I knew it would help you.”

“Why are you so insistent on being with me?”

“Because you’re everything to me.”

He let out a soft breath. “You’re foolish.”

“And you’re a little bitch sometimes, but I love you anyways,” you tease, reaching up to hold his wrist as his hand stayed on your cheek. 

He scoffed a laugh. “You’ve been spending too much time with Sirius.”

“You were ignoring me for weeks. I had to hang out with someone.”

His smile faded. “I thought you hated me.”

“I could never.”

He took in a breath. “If… If you want this… like, really want this with me… you have to know that I can’t give you a peaceful life.”

“But will you love me?”

“Of course.”

“That’s enough.”

He swallowed down a lump in this throat. “It’s not always enough to just have love.”

“It will be, though. You’re kind, loyal, smart. Not to mention handsome,” you smile a little, as does he, his cheeks a little pink. “Whatever comes with being with you… I want it. All of it.”

“You don’t–”

“You all but told me you wouldn’t be with me, and you were still all I could think of after the fact. You have me already, Remus. You know that. I’m not going to shy away now.”

“You have me, too. In an iron grip, apparently.”

You laugh a little. “I don’t care what goes wrong. There’s far too much that’s right, and no matter how foolish you think that is, I think you’re ten times more dumb for trying to ignore that.”

He shook his head. “I… absolutely adore you.”

“Is that you saying you want this?”

“It’s me saying that you’ve somehow changed my mind. I think you’ve hexed me.”

“You’re ridiculous.”

He smiled. “Can’t help it. Most beautiful woman in the world is in front of me, you can’t expect me to be thinking clearly.”

You leaned forward, pressing a soft kiss to his lips. He kissed back, just as gently, resting both of his hands on your cheeks.

“You moved the coasters closer,” he whispered.

“I did.”

“The tea is still hot.”

“It is,” you replied, raising a brow.

He sucked in a breath, eyes falling down and over your form. “So… we have some time before it cools off.”

The faintest smirk crept onto your face. “We do.”

Sunlight streamed in the room at sunrise, falling on two full, cold cups of tea, matching coasters, and a still-open book.

[fannyandtreewillmakeoutintpot20]

Fanny hcs and just yapping about her bc I live laugh love her and I project onto her

Now now now you may be thinking but Bitter you are so joyous and silly pilled how kin angry girl and uh fuck you /silly

literally me:

After showing my crashoutful qualifications now uh let’s talk about her lsjdhsgsgdg

the first thing I want to talk about is the fact that

she doesn’t hate everything.

Now this is pretty much a fact honestly. This is a really awful oversimplification of her character there’s a lot of things she clearly doesn’t hate such as her friends and likely winning as she’s a very determined girly who does look out for herself a lot (uh tpot 7 something something) but she also does ultimately care about others a lot and does the right thing (trying to tell others about one to try and stop her, respecting black hole not wanting to cause death bc it’s his own decision uh making tennis ball help robot flower uh comforting pin yk, etc)

also NO the idea of her hating everyone but the person you ship her with is weird and gross. I don’t like it bc it’s kind of suffocating to only have one person you like being around and she doesn’t deserve that and also if you’re not shipping her with black hole that will never make any sense. Her and black hole clearly care about each other in a very geniune way so her hating everyone besides whoever you ship her with will never make sense as she clearly also cares about black hole (this is directed at a very specific ship, I’m sorry but it just bothers me) she also shows a fondness towards pin and also like a kinda friendship towards ice cube so like man this clearly just doesn’t work.

also I’m sure there are things she does enjoy we just haven’t found them yet and uh as someone who hates doing anything besides my few hobbies uh real

I don’t like the idea of her hating herself even though I hate myself I would like to think she doesn’t bc it lowkey makes me sad. She kind’ve is a bit of an anxious girly and mostly takes a backseat to the rest of the team unless she thinks something’s wrong (she’s also uh quite perceptive lowk) but she has a lot of leadership qualities in her but won’t really work out honestly bc she’s not really the type of person who wants to be in charge

uh yap yap yap

I think she may be distant with her friends sometimes bc of the fact she dislikes a lot of shenaniganry uh something something ushgsgsgsh

I do think she’s probably jokingly mean a lot and gives joke threats of violence and also very blunt she’s quite clear when she doesn’t like something

she’s the yapper she loves ranting about shit bc I love ranting about shit but also kindve just true she is the yapper fr fr

I think she’d probably be a picky eater bc I am a picky eater and there’s very few foods I actually eat but uh hc that literally the only thing she’ll eat is spaghetti bc it’s usually the only thing I’ll eat ever because a lot of food either tastes or smells awful to me

also uh have this hehe

(I personally hate sauce but wanted to stay more true to the original image)

she’s emo she’s emo bc I’m emo I love going to the hot topic every chance I get yes yes yes

let her be a little bit of a hopeless romantic as a treat smh

She’d fw msi (I HATE EVERYONE something something hehehehhe)

Sometimes when she says she hates things it’s like just her saying things out of not knowing what to say (totally not projecting I totally don’t say repetitive phrases out of not knowing what to talk about totally)

I’ve always thought the reason Fanny seemed so much nicer to tree in tpot 10 and onwards was because she felt bad about killing him and realized that she did actually enjoy being around him uh something something

she lowkey became nicer and more considerate over the course of tpot compared to how she was in bfb but also she’s now on a team she actually likes with people she respects before she lowkey didn’t gaf and it’s so real there’s barely anyone I can stand that I’m not close friends with bc it feels like everyone else thinks I’m weird but like she found her freaks and I am happy for her 👏👏👏

Absolutely understandable having a burning hatred for anyone with slightly off putting vibes bc me too honestly there’s people I’ve never talked to in my life that I see around and I’m like oh yeah they’d probably be awful to me so I hate them and don’t wanna be around them ygsghsha

anyways uh is this actually anything

[coraniaid]

xander/cordelia

Until a couple of years ago I was pretty indifferent about this ship. But after my last big rewatch I've realized I really kind of loathe it, actually.

1) Why don't you ship it?

I don't agree with the popular idea that Xander is some kind of authorial self-insert for Joss Whedon, but if I did and I wanted to convince other people it was true then this would be the first thing I pointed to as evidence. Oh, Xander is an awkward unpopular loser who has never been in a serious romantic relationship before, but he's able to win over the rich, popular and pretty cheerleader who'd previously looked down on him for years by sheer virtue of -- uh, something? -- to the extent she willingly chooses him over all her old friends and her social standing at school? I mean, come on. Talk about embarrassingly revealing wish fulfillment fantasy. And it doesn't even execute that bit of wish-fulfillment well, either. For the purposes of this ship Xander is somehow a generic Nice Guy despite never actually being anything resembling nice to the object of his (supposed) affections.

By this point of this show's history, we know of at least four guys that Cordelia has dated: Mitch from Out of Mind, Out of Sight, Kevin from Prophecy Girl, Daryl from Some Assembly Required (well, presumably Daryl was pre-Mitch but we hear about him this episode), and Oz's bandmate Devon from Halloween. The show wants us to think Xander is somehow an improvement on all these guys -- that previously all of Cordelia's relationships were unsatisfying and superficial, but she has something real with Xander -- but ... no, I don't buy it. Maybe if we'd just met Mitch (who doesn't even remember what color eyes Cordelia has) or Devon (who repeatedly fails to show up when he's meant to be seeing her), but I was paying attention in Prophecy Girl and Some Assembly Required and I remember the way Cordelia talked about Kevin and Daryl, both of whom she seemed genuinely fond of and both of whom, you know, died. But she's suddenly won over by Xander ... calling her a slut and a vapid idiot for months and then buying her a cheap necklace on Valentine's Day? Really?

Because the other thing I hate about this ship is -- even ignoring the whole cheating subplot in Season 3 -- Xander does not treat Cordelia well! Not even a little bit! Obviously the show plays it up as some sort of belligerent sexual tension deal, and yes Cordelia is pretty rude to Xander in return, but -- especially during the stage of their relationship while they're hiding it from everyone -- Xander says some really gross stuff to Cordelia and she just takes it in her stride? The "mass transportation [...] it's just locker room talk" bit in What's My Line? just before their first kiss; calling her a "moron" moments later and seconds before they kiss again. "This would work a lot better for me if you didn't talk" while they're kissing in the closet in Bad Eggs (admittedly, this is in reaction to Cordelia cruelly suggesting that ... er, they might be in danger of missing class).

Plus the fact he reacts to her breaking up with him by blackmailing another girl into casting a mind control spell on her to make her fall in love with him. Oh, but don't worry: it's not gross or creepy, he's just doing it so he can publicly humiliate her in revenge for having his feelings hurt. Cool. No wonder she ... uh, thinks that's incredibly romantic and deciding to go out with him despite what all her friends say after all.

I just think the version of Xander we see during this relationship is the worst, least sympathetic version of the character we ever see on screen. And the writing generally does not seem to realize it. It's a total mystery to me why Cordelia falls for him: he doesn't actually do anything nice! Honestly, Mitch is nicer to her, even if he might want to try looking at her face once in a while. Cordelia has had happy and healthier relationships before this arc -- with people who treated her much better and she seemed to like -- and the show just decides to ignore that. Why not simply ... let Xander do something unexpectedly generous or kind for Cordelia we can see happen on screen, instead of just acting as if he's naturally charming and pleasant when he's obviously not?

And I hate how much this relationship and its aftermath dominates Cordelia's remaining screentime on Buffy. Season 1 Cordelia existed to be a foil and shadow for Buffy herself, but so much of Season 2 and Season 3 Cordelia just exists to be Xander's girlfriend. Even though the show will later try to tie things back to Buffy (with Cordelia claiming in The Wish that she only started dating Xander because his association with Buffy made him "marginally cooler", I just don't think that makes sense of what we see play out on screen. And it kind of rankles that so much of Cordelia's early character growth -- choosing to spend more time with the Scooby Gang instead of the popular clique, even at the cost of her own reputation -- isn't motivated by knowledge of the supernatural or growing empathy for and understanding of Buffy Summers, but rather by a desire to be in a relationship with the world's least impressive teenage boy.

There are still some exceptions to that -- the Cordelia we get in Homecoming is thankfully a lot closer to how she's written in Season 1 -- but overall it's just such a waste of her character.

2) What would have made you like it?

See, the thing is that I think you could make a Xander/Cordelia relationship work, the show just ... doesn't do it.

We do know that Xander and Cordelia have a long shared history: we're told that they've known each other almost as long as Xander and Willow have. Why not lean into that a little? And I know the writers are actually capable of writing a version of Xander that's surprisingly sweet and supportive. Honestly, I actually quite enjoy Xander/Anya, and obviously Anya was deliberately written to remind the audience of Cordelia, so I know this sort of dynamic can be made to work by mostly these same writers.

How I'd go about it if I was remaking the show is ... okay, this is mostly off the top of my head, but. I think the trick is not to start by having Cordelia suddenly finding Xander irresistibly physically attractive for no reason, but instead to have her find out something about his (already implied to be) awful home life and feel sorry for him. Maybe his parents are fighting -- his mom's moved out to stay with Uncle Rory for a bit, and he doesn't want to stay by himself in his father's house -- and she finds him sleeping at the library one morning. Maybe she can do him a favor somehow, either by lending him money or using her parents' connections to his advantage. (Her dad probably owns property, right? Maybe she can find him somewhere to stay for a bit.) More broadly, I'd want to have her character growth start before (or at least in parallel to) their relationship, not as a direct consequence of it.

For Xander's part, he should realize Cordelia has more layers than he thought when -- despite his fears -- she doesn't blurt out his secret or use it to belittle him later on. ("Whatever, dorkface," she can say when he tries to thank her later, "As if anybody cares about your lame little secrets anyway.") You can still fall back on the idea that the two of them are teenagers who spend a lot of time in enforced proximity while facing terrible danger -- this new secret that only they share can lead to them spending more time together, even, if it's something that Cordelia gets roped into helping cover up -- but that shouldn't be the sole bit of motivation for the relationship. Get the implied power dynamic right. Have Cordelia be the one to buy surprisingly nice gifts for Xander (she's the one with the money, after all!). Have Xander feel weird about accepting them, because it doesn't fit with his slightly odd ideas of what The Man should be doing in a relationship. Have him try to impress her by saving her from a vampire, only to fail miserably and need to be rescued by Buffy. (Cordelia can find the intention sweet, sure, but also snark at Xander and suggest he leaves the "cool superhero stuff to people who are actually cool and heroic".)

Skip over Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered entirely. Ideally, Cordelia should break away from the Cordettes because she starts defending Buffy or Willow instead of (or at least as well as) Xander, but at the very least we can do without the love spell part. Have the eventual breakup in Season 3 happen at the same time Cordelia's family starts losing their wealth and influence, and -- if you have to make it acrimonious and make Cordelia the victim -- have the reason be that Xander (unintentionally) -- ends up revealing Cordelia's secret to the wider school. That's some fun irony, at least. Though honestly, the Season 3 cheating subplot isn't the part I'd most want to change: if we could rewrite that or the Season 2 stuff but not both I'd go for Season 2 in a heartbeat.

It'd be nice if the show still found something for Cordy to do after she broke up with Xander, though. Beyond crushing on, of all people, Wesley Wyndam-Pryce. She should still hang out with the Scooby Gang post-Xander, she should just spend less time with Xander and more time with Willow (if no cheating subplot) or with Buffy and Oz (speaking of Devon, it's a little irksome the show kind of forgets that Cordelia and Oz were actually on somewhat friendly terms before either of them joined the gang, isn't it?).

3) Despite not shipping it, do you have anything positive to say about it?

It works well as a catalyst to get Willow to finally get over her crush on Xander? I think the scene in Innocence where she finds out about them is really good, and manages to balance comedy (I love the delivery of "Remember the We Hate Cordelia club? Of which you are treasurer?") and some genuine pathos (I've seen people criticise Willow for overreacting here, but ... well, she's a sixteen or seventeen year old girl who just found out her best friend, somebody who she's been in love with for years, is secretly dating her childhood bully; the tears and anger seem pretty relatable to me).

As a rare highlight in a particularly dreadful episode, I do like the scene in Go Fish where Cordelia thinks Xander has transformed into a fish monster. "This is all my fault. You joined the swim team to impress me. You were so courageous. [...] I want you to know that I still care about you, no matter what you look like. And… and we can still date ... or not? I mean, I'd understand if you want to see other fish." A rare win for David Fury here, I think, and a good scene for Charisma Carpenter.

And -- although I think the Season 3 cheating subplot is tedious and unnecessary and unpleasant to watch -- I do like where the show leaves them at the end of the season. Cordelia doesn't exactly forgive Xander, nor should she, but we see he feels bad for how she's ended up and (somehow, I guess we can ignore Xander's implied poverty for now) he's able to do something selfless to make her happier by buying the dress she's been working towards. I dunno, call me a sap but I think their last exchange in The Prom ("It looks good on you." "Well, duh.") is kind of sweet. Ironically that's probably the closest I've ever come to shipping them.

[mswyrr]

People are very confused by femmes, aren't they? A femme girl who dreams of being another girl's wife is being very queer. Her femininity and desire to act as a lady wife isn't an object for anyone's use (as Otto and Viserys treated it), it's an expression of herself and her desire. It ought to be a source of pleasure for her, with the girl (or person of another gender) she loves, not a duty or obligation where she has to pour that out for just anyone. (Like Otto and Viserys treated it).

It is the difference between singing because you're happy and singing because someone is pointing a gun at you. "But you're a singer, you can do it and even like it, so why does it matter if you're being forced to or not?" Of course it matters! The context is everything. A woman who can enjoy being feminine and loving in a wifely way doesn't owe that to everyone; she should have the freedom to do it in ways that give her pleasure and satisfaction. Forcing her to do it when she doesn't want to--to be the lady wife of a gross old man when she wanted to be his daughter's wife--is a violation.

When thinking about queer women, people need to dismantle a whole lot of baggage heteropatriarchy has given them about what these feelings and roles have to mean - dismantle the rigidity and the idea that femininity is an object for use vs. a form of personal *expression*. This dismantling is something that needs to be done re: feminine straight women too, of course. (And the idea that straight women owe people femininity is nonsense: sexuality, gender, and gender expression are distinct things in a Venn diagram with each other).

A femme queer girl is just as radically queer (and whenever women do not accept their interpersonal femininity, feminine ways of loving, and their bodies as an object of use vs a cite of their own pleasure and expression that is inherently radical) as a futch or butch or etc queer girl.

Sure, a homophobe like Criston can look at Alicent and see a "normal woman" because she's feminine and assume that her love for Rhaenyra is due to Rhaenyra being the "unnatural woman" who "intoxicated" her... but that's because he's a homophobe who doesn't know wtf he's saying. His entire culture has trained him to be completely incapable of seeing what is right in front of his eyes.

The fact that huge swaths of modern day fandom truly aren't capable of comprehending queerness better than Criston Cole really makes me think about how shallow acceptance for queer people actually is. It's disheartening, to say the least.

People seem completely unaware, for example, of the "queer second adolescence" and how young and immature parts of a person can be until they get to come out and actually live as who they truly are vs who they've been forced to pretend to be? Which is why Alicent and Rhaenyra both act so young around each other in the Sept scene and finale scene...

There's also imo "split attraction" model at work here, where there's questions around what exactly their canon genders and sexualities are (beyond the fact that both are clearly queer!). But it's achingly obvious that they wanted each other desperately as girls and that Rhaenyra, in particular, has a special place in her heart for a homoromantic love of femme women like Alicent and Mysaria.

The whole season--from Criston and Aemond's conversation about how Alicent "holds love for the enemy" [where Criston plainly says Rhaenyra "intoxicated" Alicent!!] on to all the symbolism between them and the explicit (gay kiss with Mysaria!) and implicit (complex gender feels) stuff with Rhaenyra--is about how queer they are - canonically - and it all leads up to their final scene. People can disagree on how well that was executed. But it is a clear arc, developed throughout the season, and a valid artistic choice. And part of the problem with how a lot of people are "reading" the season is that they blankly refuse to see it. And once they do see it, they hate it and think it's an invalid artistic choice! But it's really not inherently invalid. It's simply not to some peoples' taste. Those are different things.

[oceanblueeyes03]

Sorry Ego Luke Anon is back…

I forgot to address what I felt Luke’s intentions are towards Nicola. It’s simple & I bet it’s what his Teams are suggesting as well. Try to get back into her graces. He needs her more than she needs him. At this point, I think Nicola has put a kibosh on this play by maintaining professional distance. And I didn’t think I’d have to write this, but they are NOT secretly married with a child. There is no secret blackmail holding anyone hostage. The only thing that’s being held hostage is Luke’s dignity & balls.

My worry is Luke’s latest PR-themed blitz. Nothing screams “S.O.S.” louder than a man having to make his lady-love happy whether it’s by wearing the ugly shirt she gifted him, to let’s say, him being persistently scolded for not launching his lady-love properly in the media when she’s just a civilian. Anyone see the movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall? The moment Russell Brand’s character is forced to wear the hideous Hawaiian shirt? I laugh, but that’s exactly how Luke Newton looks out on these excursions. Pained. Remember this is passive Luke Newton. He doesn’t openly launch his private life, his partners do. But interestingly Luke (as of this post) has not given Antonia free range to promote their blissful union. Photos have been cropped and hidden. Tags have been removed. Effort was made to scrub SM history. Why? Well, the easiest guess is that Luke simply didn’t want to.

But Antonia does. So! Here’s the section where I state that I don’t mean to call a civilian a publicity hound or glory hunter, but I’m gonna anyway. The crazily worded PR autobiography articles describing Antonia as a beautiful Greek goddess, model, & professional dancer being timed with papped photos or event sightings reek to high Heaven of attention-seeking toxic behavior. Those articles mainly use Luke Newton’s name & image – everything else is meant to promote Antonia. [Caveat: I had to randomly search for an example so I apologize if this seems left field] Question, do you know who Brenda Song is? EVER heard of her? I haven’t & she’s the wife of Macauley Culkin. Macauley Culkin is certainly more famous than Luke Newton. Dammit. Apologies to Brenda Song – she’s an actress who has her own fame. Poor example. But please find me an unknown civilian who has been written up like Antonia has? I’ll wait… *crickets furiously rubbing their wings together into the silence of the night*

I can picture the conversations disguised as ultimatums now… “you look constipated with me in photos… everyone hates me… it’s not fair… you should want to be seen with me… are you embarrassed of me”. Luke: “No baby…” The constant torsion that Luke’s balls have undergone… I’m surprised he hasn’t rocked up in hospital. So Luke complied… the path of least resistance. Blah, blah, blah. Very simple. I honestly don’t think I would even have the above opinion if not for the articles & PR blitz. When things look forced, you know something smells fishy.

Regardless of what Antonia wants to do with said fame, it’s how they are going about it that worries me. Enter Nicola. The fact that Nicola’s name & visage is being used to peddle these efforts makes me sick. Hey, I get it. Luke isn’t raking in the clicks or interest. Nicola is. But Nicola isn’t dating Antonia – Luke is. It’s bad enough that Nicola had to carry the ever-floating ever-passive Luke on her back through however many cities on the WT, she now must carry Antonia, too? The poor girl is only 5’1” tall; Nicola isn’t a pack mule people. It’s really gross, IMO. Luke should be ashamed.

Any endgame Lukolas: Luke has shown such a lack of respect towards whatever relationship Nicola & he have together, I fear it’s at the point of irreparable damage. And it keeps getting worse the longer it goes on. You’ll be surprised to hear this, but I love an underdog story and held out hope that Luke would turn things around & grow a pair. But Luke’s balls aren’t going to free themselves… passivity is winning.

And Nicola will be fine. She's a bit bruised (mostly baffled) but holding it together. She's thriving despite it all. But if I were Luke Newton, I'd watch out for those tiny Irish fists or a folding chair to the head... tolerance is not acceptance of bad behavior & most importantly is not limitless.

Yes Ego Luke ANON!!!!!!!!!!!!! ❤️

Once again Perfectly said ❤️ 🙌 👏

“But if I were Luke Newton, I'd watch out for those tiny Irish fists or a folding chair to the head” honestly Nic is small but he should be careful 😂

If I were Nic I would have some very strong words thrown at him!!! BAFTA has shown us that Nicola is disappointed and distancing herself from Luke

I’ve thought for a long time if there is a celeb with a nobody gf being promoted like Antonia is and I can’t think of anyone. Even Liam paynes old money, multimillionaire actually a model gf Maya wasn’t promoted like 🐜. And Liam was a big celeb and even bigger when he was dating Maya!

[nerves-nebula]

one thing i think most of the fandom doesn’t recognize about 2012 tmnt is that the writing is fucking Atrocious. nostalgia and not rewatching the show probably does a lot of the heavy lifting but like as someone who did watch is as a kid And recently rewatched it with a friend i’ve just gotta say. it’s legitimately so fucking bad. the sexism is baked into the show, there’s so much more racism in it than the previous iterations, it’s a show that hates itself and you can Feel That. all this to say i still love that iteration to death, like i grew up with it and i would die for those stupid turtles, but the whole abuse debate is insane to me because it’s like,, yea they’re incredibly toxic to each other,, and everyone and everything else cause that show radiates toxicity sjfjggjdjfj

noo frrrr its part of why i havent watched it much tbh. its hard to get through at times like... why should i care about this show when the show doesnt even seem to care about the show half the time.

if i sit down to watch it its like ok well this whole thing is going to suck but otherwise it'll be pretty cool. like i'm taking it for granted that everyone is an asshole and sexist and gross and mean, so when i see ppl be like "yes the show is sexist but they AREN'T MEAN!!" im like... i thought we all agreed to ignore that in order to have a good time. why are you ok with acknowledging that some of this is happening but the rest isnt fsdfdsf

whenever i watch 2012 i inevitably think about quinton reviews talking about this era of kids show writing, and how much of it is just super mean spirited. like most of the "comedy" comes from people being just fucking awful to each other all the time. like a shitty unpleasant sitcom i would hate or something. so many 2010s shows are written like they want to be Always Sunny but end up worse because they're for kids so they cant really commit.

god i just remembered how much i hated seinfeld growing up cuz it frustrated me that everyone sucked. at least i think seinfeld is kind of funny now that i'm older. 2012 is just kind of uncomfortable.

[smoooothoperator]

untouchable

10: Every Breath You Take

Lando Norris x OC (Violet Sinclair)

same group friend, unrequited love, acquittances to lovers, ski trip, love triangle

Words: 1.4k

Warnings: Harry, stalking, manipulation, drug use, sexual assault.

a/n: every story needs their villain! And this is actually the first one I ever wrote in my life. I think I want to make ia longer story than usual, with complex characters and a full plot worthy of a book. Who knows, maybe I'll even write a book based in this story? 👀 (Would you buy it?) Anyway... I want you to know that if some of you know a person that behaves the same way, stay alert. This is not healthy, contact people and make sure that person is away. Be safe.

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Psychopath (noun). A person with a psychopathic personality, which manifests as amoral and antisocial behavior, lack of ability to love or establish meaningful personal relationships, extreme egocentricity, failure to learn from experience, etc.

Narcissist (noun). A person who is intensely concerned with only his or her own self or interests and who seems to forget that others exist.

He never liked how he looked at her. How he smiled when she walked inside the room. How he always got up first whenever she asked for something.

Who does he think he is? How dare he do those things?

But later he understood it. He fell for her. That guy fell for her.

Her.

Violet Sinclair.

When he met her he thought she was pathetic. A pathetic thing that could only be his, to be used by him. How can someone as her smile that much? The way she tried to be friends with everyone irritated him.

But then she smiled at him.

That girl, who was clumsy and dumb, smiled at him.

And he promised himself that she won't smile at anyone else.

But then she introduced him to her friend Eloise.

Eloise was different to Violet. And he didn't like that. He didn't like that she was an independent woman, someone that already works on her family business, someone that can make money on her own. But he can use her for his own pleasure. He can have her whenever he wants to please himself.

So when he saw Lando Norris trying to reach for her, he did everything to keep him away from her, to keep Violet for himself and making sure she wouldn't try to be close to him.

“See? He loves the attention” he scoffed walking next to her through the paddock.

“I mean, he's famous…”

“But you don't see the way he smiles at everyone? He loves to hear how people compliment him. What an asshole” he laughed. “You should see how he acts during the parties”

“Gross” she groaned, making him smirk proudly.

But he can't always have what he wants.

He despised every man that touched her. And he made sure to push them away from her and make her look that no one will love her how she deserves.

Jared was the first one he met. Apparently, they met during summer. He was a guy two years older than her that studied in Manchester. Too far, too easy.

“Violet, you won't believe this” he frowned, walking towards her, holding his phone in her hand.

“What's that?” she frowned.

“I won't say I told you, but…” he sighed, showing her his phone.

A picture of Jared with another woman. Staged, of course. He knows that woman is his cousin, but since Violet never met his family, why would she know?

“W-what? No… he promised me!” she gasped.

“I'm sorry… come here” he sighed, opening his arms for her, letting her cry on his shoulder.

Then Michael came. He hated him the first moment he saw him leaning against that Mercedes-Benz, waiting for her at the door of the college. It was so disgusting, watching how he looked at Violet like she was a trophy, someone to sit in his expensive car and take her to boring places. But still, it was too easy for him.

“He broke up with me!” she frowned, walking inside the classroom and sitting next to him.

“What? What happened?”

“He said I'm not of his level” she scoffed, throwing her arms to the air “That his mother doesn't like that I'm not from the high class or shit like that”

“His loss” he scoffed.

“And he had the guts to say that by text! Not even a call! Look!” she frowned, showing him the text he made sure that stupid man wrote in front of him.

“What an asshole” he laughed, watching with a hidden pride that screen.

Owen was a little harder. But not everything is easy, if it was, life would be so boring.

He had to see how his Violet loved that man, how she had heart eyes whenever they were together. And that made his blood boil. He wanted that man out of her life, away and making sure that he never comes back to her. And never sounded so good for him.

It took him longer than he wanted, but he enjoyed every second of the final result.

It was her birthday party. All of them planned to surprise her at a club, renting the local only for the party. Or more like, Owen decided to make a party and include all her friends.

How disgusting. He hated that man, watching how he smiled at everyone and making sure everyone knew he was her boyfriend.

But until today.

When the party started and people were on the dancefloor, he started his plan. He only needed a drink for him and a few drops of the little bottle he had.

“Hey, mate” he smiled walking towards Owen, patting his back. “Today you did an amazing job. Here, cheers!”

“Thank you” he smiled, grabbing the shot glass, drinking it.

It was the beginning of the ending. And he was in the first row to watch it.

He only needed to give him three shots before it started to make an effect. The smile on his lips grew wider when he saw him walk towards Violet, taking her to an empty corner. The way he held her, kissed her and touched her. How she tried to escape from him. How he held her again, how he kissed her even if she tried to push him away.

It was just perfect. He never expected the drug to make someone act that way. The way he cried in panic, escaping from his touch.

She looked beautiful.

“Eh! Get away from her!” he screamed, running towards them and punching Owen.

The pain on his knuckles was nothing compared to the pleasure of hearing Violet cry and hold onto him when he saved her.

After that, it was easy to keep her close to him. She saw him as her saviour, as someone she completely trusts. And he loved that. He loved to see that for a while she didn't trust other men, that during the races she stayed with him. He loved to see how she started to fell in love with him slowly.

And the best part of it? That Eloise didn't mind. He thought it was good, she liked that both of them were close and she never questioned it.

How stupid.

But then she started to get close with Max and Lando again. He felt proud when he saw her be distant with them, but the moment he realized that Lando was trying again to get closer to her, he tried to find a way to eliminate him.

It was funny. Following him around the clubs, sending girls to him making sure they distract him while he took pictures of them. It was something that pleased him.

But Lando never tried to be her boyfriend. And it was something that drove him mad. But still, he had everything planned. All the pictures, all the videos, the audios. It was perfect. His masterpiece.

Yet, he never suspected anything. He never noticed the boxes that arrived at her apartment every two weeks. He never noticed the amount of books she was increasing. He never noticed the short texts between them.

Until that trip.

If Eloise didn't ask her to come with them, Violet would be safe in her apartment alone, reading those stupid books.

If Eloise didn't mention that stupid secret admirer, his week would be more calm.

Eloise. He has to make sure she's out of the picture. Always ruining everything, trying to set Violet up with someone. Trying to take her away from him

Who does she think she is? How dare she?

He made sure to keep Violet away from her. What a better way of showing Violet that her friend doesn't care about her than making Eloise ignore her while she moans underneath her boyfriend? And somehow, he had to let all the anger out.

What he never expected was that he had to fight two battles at the same time. And he hated not having control of it.

That sneaky Lando took advantage of the situation and got closer to her. He kept her away from him. Maybe he's washing her stupid brain and telling her lies.

But he was losing control. He saw how he was losing her, and it made him mad. It made him go mad.

She will regret it. She will regret believing in Lando. She will regret everything.

Because Violet Sinclair is his property. No one else’s.

She frowned looking at the packages and then at her phone.

If it's not from Lando… then who would have sent her the packages?

She left them on her kitchen table and searched for the sender, sighing with relief when she saw the names of her parents there.

“At least they sent something” she sighed, opening the boxes.

Inside them there were a lot of things. Her favorite chocolates, a few books, perfume and a little statue of Venus. She sighed looking at it, smiling. There was a note on one of the boxes and she grabbed it, smiling weakly.

‘I hope you had a good time in the snow. Happy birthday, love’

She frowned while reading it. She never told them she was going on a trip, nor to the snow.

taglist

@elisysd @racinggirl @ninifee1802 @kakorrhaphiphobia @landoyesrizz @lorarri @bellwhysomean @leptitlu @aphroditeisamilf @brekkers-whore @copper-boom @sideboobrry11 @alltoomaples @f1madison @elijahslover @silkenthusiasts @chonkybonky @summerslike11 @randomgirlnumber-13 @is-just-a @whentheautumnleavesfall @malynn @mycenterfold @barackosteaa @izzy-marvel @ssprayberrythings

[msfbgraves]

They TOTALLY RUINED Chozen’s character this season 100% shame on the writers. Johnny has been trash since season 3 so that’s nothing new. Robby went through it and his dad still doesn’t care. Also FUCK the creepy Zara scene with him, gross. But Daniel was a cutie patootie as usual, and Silver was the easy highlight, he stole every single scene he was in and looked damn good doing it. What a sexy beast.

Chozen becomes slightly more palatable if you remember the fact that this guy is shown to be properly unhinged when we're first meeting him, though. He's been brought up well but that doesn't negate the fact that he walks around with two sai, just in case, when he is stone cold sober, as a middle aged man. And that is not completely off base for a man who engineered a dramatic entrance in the middle of a dance recital to fight a young tourist to the death.

Then,as now, he could be focused and collected but that guy is always three miliseconds away from going completely feral when he stops trying To Be Normal. And now, with Kumiko's rejection, he stops trying to behave. The differences between S5 and S6 are quite something. And also, more understandable when what he is dealing with is not so much rejection but gay panic. I mean why has he never tried to date anyone but Kumiko? Was she his idea of the closest thing to being with Daniel? Like, them both being in love with Daniel must be almost the same as being in love with each other and as he can't make himself love some girl and cannot be with another boy, well, what's he to do then? He'll be alone forever! The Da Eun storyline was simply written in to give her character something to do. Da Eun's purpose in story I've never understood. She spent half of S5 and S6 with a look on her face that read: what am I doing here?! Her supposed bond with Kreese also seemed rather shallow. So, and no hate on the actress there, but everything about that is going to feel off. I mean I get it from a writing standpoint, she's there, she's hot and she's Asian, so the only thing to do is get her with the Asian guy but. Well.

Why is Robby not super close with Daniel rn? Johnny still doesn't show the slightest bit of interest in him. If you hadn't been told that's his kid, would there have been any sign of a connection between the two? Also, where is his mother? Robby was written as a plot device for three seasons and then they forgot what to do with him. And Tanner plays him as completely disconnected from everyone in his life because of course, you would be, but do Sam and Daniel actually think that boy is OK? Does anyone care that Carmen's baby is his sister, or that his Dad abandoned him in the middle of the World Championships, or that his girlfriend broke up with him and he has no one to talk to? Did Johnny ever even talk tactics? Why is no one stepping up? Yeah Daniel could have tried to give Johnny and Robby some space but he must see that Johnny doesn't see the boy at all. That's his mentee! He should be there for him, when he knows how big an influence both a great and a terrible mentor can have!

But yeah. I loved both every second with Daniel and sexy beast Silver.

[poachersprice]

꒰ა ♡ ໒꒱

╰─ ♡ About My Page!

I’m 16! I’m a Chloe kinnie, heavily btw, Im autistic with Adhd, i have a main blog but this is my Lis blog well kinda it’s mostly Lis but i also vent and crap , i’ll probably be posting Lis edits, opinions & whatnot, I have other Special interests & Hyper-fixations like House Md, Mysterious skin, etc… but this blog is solely about Lis well at the moment anyway lol. I’m not the best with Kin terms but i heavily associate myself with Chloe Price so i made this blog to express and explore that part of me more, i don’t mind doubles tho! generally everyone is welcome on here unless you’re tcc, you discriminate, hate on ships/ start drama about that kind of thing, hate on characters especially if you’re a chloe hater, My faves outside of Chloe are Damon merrick & Frank bowers so generally i’d appreciate if we don’t start drama over it like people on discord do sometimes, This will defo flop but it just doing this for funzies so it’s not an issue.

╰─ ♡ Important!!

DNI/ Please think before interacting; People who discriminate, basically anyone who is overly hateful or gloomy! Also Nathan prescott defenders really stress me out tbh so if you do defend his actions especially, please don’t interact with me, unless you are discussing it in a civil way, but I don’t mind fictives/kinnies of Nathan on here at all I’m actually looking for source mates :3

I may post slight NSFW but no nudity or anything just potential mentions of Abuse & stuff since life is strange does include those topics or similar ones in the storylines of all the games! - This especially refers to the potential/ suggested s*xual violence in the game because i like to deep dive into it and fully analyse the games story and it’s characters, I did Media studies so i’m a huge overanalyser, even before that i’ve always been that way tbh, but i find it to be super important when understanding and interpreting media especially video games because people can get lost in the game itself or characters but not take time to think about the deeper meanings and concepts. I also have my own trauma, So if i do post things that seem a little fucked it’s not out of a “i’m so sick” kind of complex thing that a LOT of people seem to have these days it’s just how i cope & heal, I will never post something completely outta pocket or gross though so don’t worry, it’ll probably just be me rambling on about how i personally believe chloe’s a victim due to my source/media memories and whatnot. Im cringe but free or something idk, but anyways that’s really it for now, i’ll update if needed.

╰─ ♡ Extras!!

𝜗𝜚 ── ⊹ ‧₊˚ - My favourite life is strange game is Bts (Before the storm), It’s my favourite because i feel like i relate to chloe a lot more in bts and i honestly just love the storyline, i also loved the aspect of the story with rachels mom & Damon merrick (especially him i love him ahhh) he reminds me of House but in a more violent way he’s got the humour im terrible at explaining but he has a charm to him he’s genuinely so funny somehow like i said, in a gregory house way i guess. I’m soon to be a college student studying music, and hopefully make my own music my biggest passion i’ve had like my whole life is singing & music so yeah that’s me i guess, I kinda ship Prrick but not in the weird sense i ship it in a sense that chloe would obviously be older like 20ish in a au, if that makes sense so if i reblog stuff or talk about that ship i promise i mean it in a normal way i am NOT a pro shipper dawg. I also love house so much so yeah there’s that, im a big nicole dollanganger fan, i love ethel cain, crystal castles & more, music is a huge inspiration for everything i do it’s so important to me, also my name is a reference to poachers pride and i thought i’d point that out lol, i’m a huge enjoyer of the morute kind of aesthetic too i love that kind of stuff and i love incorporating lis into it. Im gonna stop yapping now but basically that’s me :3

- I follow back mostly everyone lol

- Also just a disclaimer i’m kind of into the whole and i’m gonna sound so cringe so bare with me… junkie kind of “aesthetic” thing not cause i am romanticising it’s just a coping thing & it’s defo something i heavily associate with damon merrick and probably why i love that side of lis so if anything to do with that triggers you or you have had like a previous addiction i strongly suggest you block me or something it’s basically apart of my personality. i also have sexual trauma so it’s a theme you’ll probably see on here in some ways even if it’s just rambling not about my own trauma but like about head cannons and whatnot especially with Chloe since i heavily associate myself with her & I honestly am her, I tend to project not purposely but since i’m autistic i think my mind just uses my special interests to help me understand the world and my own shit so anything that is of that nature is definitely not something i do to be freaky or romanticise those topics i just cope via that, since i’m not really a cutter or anything i mean i did when i was like 12 but it never helped & dr*gs only help a little so yeah this is like whatever i’m bringing to the table i’m a little sick like that i guess but it helps me recover 100% and stops me from doing crazy shit like selling myself cause unfortunately the only dawg i got in me is neil mccormick. sorry i think i’m funny lmao that’s gonna be a theme on here cause i can’t be bothered to mask my autism and adhd on this to be for real. i do In real life subconsciously but like what’s the point here.

- Also I’m not sure if fictokin is the best term but in the past I’ve had irls, but we’re talking years ago when I was really sick & isolated due to chronic illness & depression so it’s not a delusion it’s more of a traumagenic thing I have & I can tell the difference pretty well in myself as even though I’m better now overall there’s still some traits of mental illness like with whatever this is because its genuinely not something I can help & is mostly due to traumas, like especially with my s*xual trauma because it’s obviously not something that’ll ever go away but I just take it all one day at a time.

-I’m so bad with kin terms but I’m looking for source mates :3 plus I’m not someone who cares overly about doubles or anything so mostly everyone is welcome!

-I give out my disc username to mutuals I have been speaking with for at least a week only :3

[ahopefulhell]

TED TIME

Ted imagines stuff with gn reader because he is eating my brain like worms and I don’t have my tablet to make more art right this second

Some mature content ahead aka implied nsfw nothing too gross just a little bit of spice that’s all

DNI if under 18 thx

Oh Ted. He is SO insecure. His lifestyle of luxury left him with some knowledge of the arts and history, but what does any of that matter now? He is having a full existential crisis every second, thinking about how he could have lived his life better and what his foolishness has made him now. He has no real skills. He’s so hesitant to accept help or kind words from you. Every little good thing you do only makes him feel all the more inferior.

You’re the first and only of the group to convince him that you aren’t working against him. You always share what little food you manage to get your hands on, try to initiate and hold conversations - nothing that you didn’t also do with the others - but to Ted, the fact that you weren’t treating him differently or lesser? Even though he would rant about everyone hating him? It surprised him. He’d expected you to pull away from him, but in fact it drew you closer. You start paying a lot more attention to him and his smug little ass eats it right up. Other aspects of you command his respect, and he considers you not just another nobody trapped here with him, but a friend. Maybe more.

Eventually what you have together builds up and it’s starting to show. Whenever AM loses interest after putting y’all through hell (e.g. situations like the windstorm), you’re the first thing he thinks of. He calls for you and you alone, and when he finds you he’s overwhelmed by his emotions. He didn’t know that here, in this demented place at the end of time, he could actually feel love. He’s worried that one day, on one of these journeys, you’ll be separated, and AM is going to take you away from him forever. Anyways he’s a little fucking crybaby about you.

Remember that insecurity? Well, you’re going to have to fight it constantly with Ted, reassuring him nonstop that you love him and you mean it.

Ted is a cuddle man through and through. He loves to hold you and NO position or environment is too uncomfortable for him. Ice caves? Damp forest floor? Rocky terrain? If y’all ever stop for a quick rest (provided AM doesn’t do something dastardly to you) he is content to be your mattress. And he’s so soft and comfy and warm…

What a TOUCHER by the way. Hand resting on the small of your back, arm wrapped around your waist, fingertips trailing along your neck - if there are less than 8 inches of space between you, he’s gotta put his hands somewhere on your body. It’s usually comforting and sweet but sometimes it feels like he’s TRYING to fluster you and rile you up. It really is just absent-minded behavior.

Speaking of being unable to keep his hands to himself, he is one CLINGY MFer in general. He only walks next to you, converses with you the most openly, and is so needy about physical affection. Literally just pet his head and face like you would a cat and he’s purring like one. He is, as established, very handsy and sometimes cuddling can turn a little ✨ spicy ✨.

Super gentle lover btw. The old him would have just focused on his own pleasure, but with you things are different. He’s very big into foreplay and enjoys kissing you all over, leaving some light marks on your neck and collarbone. Aftercare is something he learns while with you. Cuddling with you after seems to keep you a lot happier and he enjoys it anyways, so why not?

AM only really lets your close relationship fly because he thinks it plays into your respective character flaws. That and he likes ripping you away from each other over and over again. Basically your relationship with Ted becomes to focal point of your collective torment. Yikes.

[foliejpg]

hi sorry if this is rude but i'd like to know your feelings about pete? Tbh i've just started listening to fob and idk about fandom lore and everyone seems to have a love/hate relationship with him. is he problematic? What's about that post about megan? english isn't my first language so i don't get it:/ also the reason i got into fob was because of your fics lol you are truly a great writer!

aw thank you that’s very sweet!

pete is a very complex person with a very long past full of not so great stuff, specifically dating an underage girl when he was in his 20s. there’s a lot of discourse abt it bc some people to this day don’t believe the victim that she was the age she said she was but i believe it to be true and that’s gross and disgusting. that being said i don’t think he’s necessarily a predator or anything to that extent, but he does have a history of dating women much younger than him - ashlee and meagan were both 22 when he met them 💀

this is a blog post by the girl recently where she goes into more detail although vague we do know she was dating pete

my post abt meagan and the turbo thot thing was mostly a joke lol pete being so much older than he is and perpetually stuck in this millennial meme era when he says stuff like that at 35 it’s just cringe to me. but overall i think he’s a very introspective person and i find a lot of comfort in fob lyrics as someone who also deals with bipolar. in hum hallelujah the line “i could write it better than you ever felt it” is very true to me

all in all he’s done shitty things and was a shitty dude when he was young but i think he’s grown a lot and loves his family very much. fob and pete have always been very important to me growing up so as much as i make fun of him and call him a creep, his words do mean a lot to me