#everyone else at my job is on vacation <3 but i am required 2 come into the empty building <3 to sit and do nothing <3

[rollercoasterwords]

ok i'm back at a desk for 8 hours w nothing 2 do so here's the longer post re: nwlnw (nonwoman loving nonwoman) + nmlnm (nonman loving nonman). i think my issue with these terms as labels is that. i see their origin + use coming from this urge to draw really clear + distinct lines around labels in a way that ultimately reinforces gender essentialism. like here i'll trace it:

people use "gay" and "lesbian" as umbrella terms to broadly describe relationships involving two men or two women. so, in the context of fiction + fandom, people will talk about gay + lesbian fics/ships etc

some people decide that "gay" and "lesbian" aren't inclusive enough as labels, because what if one of the partners is bi/pan/identifies as something other than gay or lesbian??

ok, so we need a more inclusive term! let's use words like "sapphic" and "achillean," or "wlw" (woman loving woman) and "mlm" (men loving men)

wlw + mlm start to become more popular as umbrella terms

but wait!!!!! what about nonbinary people?!?!?!?!?!?!!??!

once again, people decide that mlm + wlw are not inclusive enough umbrella terms, because they do not encompass every possible label that someone might identify with

"nmlnm" and "nwlnw" are introduced as even more inclusive umbrella terms

so here are the issues i'm seeing in the evolution of these umbrella terms:

1. hyper-focusing on labels in this way is not productive

like. let's go back to "gay" and "lesbian." let's say, for example, that two women are in a relationship. even if both id as bi, there's nothing wrong with calling that a lesbian relationship, because functionally, that relationship is going to be treated as lesbian by society. like, if we are focusing on experiences and not labels, then gay + lesbian work perfectly fine as umbrella terms. their purpose is not to encompass every single possible configuration of identity that two people in a relationship might hold; their purpose is to communicate to people looking at the label that this relationship falls under a broad category of relationships that are received a certain way by the world at large. y'know?

no umbrella term is ever going to encompass every specific experience that falls beneath it, because that isn't the point of umbrella terms. umbrella terms are useful for grouping broad categories of people who share experiences, even if they don't necessarily share specific identities.

furthermore, both "lesbian" and "gay" are, in and of themselves, somewhat nebulous terms that not everybody is going to use in the same way, and they are also culturally + historically specific terms that have changed over time. if we start to try and draw really clear lines around them, or set firm rules around who does + doesn't get to identify a certain way, eventually you're going to encounter someone who doesn't fit the rules you've created, and that's how you get stupid fucking online debates about shit like whether or not trans men are "allowed" to identify as lesbian.

the utility in labels is in identifying shared experiences. ok? what matters isn't nitpicking each other's language, it's looking at the way we're treated by the world as queers and finding sites of solidarity. so somebody referring to categories of relationships as "lesbian" and "gay" isn't excluding anyone, unless you're hyper-focused on labels rather than experiences. it's like fucking.....vampire rules. like i'm throwing a party, and the door is wide open, and then u come up to the door and ur like "umm u need to invite me in." and i'm like ??? the door's wide open if u want to come in u should just come in....and ur like "no u don't understand i have to follow VAMPIRE RULES and that means u need to follow them too or ur excluding me!!!"

like. ur not a fucking vampire babe. just come inside.

2. feels like....a weird conceptualization of "nonbinary." to me.

because "nmlnm" and "nwlnw" have basically just become interchangable with "wlw" and "mlm," it kinda just feels like....people grouping whatever they consider women and Women Lite, and then men and Men Lite. y'know? like babe i'm sorry but if u are actually trying to break down all gender binaries here to include every single possible nonbinary person...well where is a boydyke like me supposed to go between ur little labeled "nonman" and "nonwoman" boxes hmm?? sorry but ur gonna have 2 get rid of the "man" and "woman" from ur labels altogether i fear. which leads into...

3. saying "non-man" and "non-woman" still ultimately leads back to gender essentialism bc it requires u to define "man" and "woman"

like. either we accept that umbrella terms have leaky borders and will never fully encompass every possible identity, but that's okay because, again, the borders aren't these clearly drawn lines but rather porous and amorphous and shifting--or we insist that labels must exist within clearly delineated boxes so that we can Categorize Every Identity, in which case you end up with labels like "non-man" and "non-woman" which, though supposedly inclusive, require you to provide a set definition of both "woman" and "man" in order to explain what you are defining your category against. and once you start trying to find set definitions to categorize "men" and "women"....well guess what's gonna happen babes!!!!!! that's right!!! we're gonna stray back into the territory of gender essentialism.

like. at the end of the day i basically just see "nwlnw" and "nmlnm" labels as an extension of this exhausting tendency to try and draw really clear borders around every identity in the queer community, which is antithetical to what queerness even is and ultimately leads to a bunch of useless in-fighting. i'm sure the people using these terms are just trying to be inclusive, but the issue is that your "inclusivity" relies on exclusivity in the first place by treating labels as strict borders that are exclusive to anyone who doesn't fit the criteria you've decided they need to fit to claim them. y'know?

in conclusion: i will be sticking with lesbian + gay + dyke + fag for my umbrella terms thank u very much <3

[good-rwbyaus]

Au where Whitley has actually been running the bank accounts since he was young and keeping the group financially viable

#Rising Snow AU - mod lilac - [ next ]

1. Beginning

It started when his father, smelling like expensive liquors and overbearing perfume, shoved a packet of folders at him and stated “You deal with it. Your father has a hang- headache” before staggering off back to his bedroom to sleep off yesterday’s social gathering.  

He was ecstatic. His father began to trust him to handle things in the company. Before he was a mere fixture in the company, only present to speak pleasantries and let others know that Jacques Schnee had a well-bred son. But now he had responsibilities and power.  

Whitley Schnee, soon-to-be-heir of the Schnee Dust Company since Weiss didn’t seem to care about it and Willow just left to join Atlas, will show everyone his worth, starting with.... a whole lot of complaints about their customer service.

_______________________________________

2. Complaints

“This motor is covered under warranty. I still have the original receipt. You have to take it back.”

“Sorry, but the warranty only covers usage in automobiles. You said you tried installing it in a motorcycle, so your warranty is void.”

“...A motorcycle is an automobile, sir.”

“Look smartass, you’re getting on my nerves. You’re not going to get a refund from the Schnee Dust Company, got it?”

“Excuse me!? I want to talk to your manager. Now.”

“I am the manager. Now stop wasting my time.”

“Wh-” 

Click.

Whitley’s eyebrows creased sharply as he closed the Scroll. He took slow deep breaths trying to get rid of the anger trembling through his body. A Schnee is like ice. They do not show their rage unless they can leverage it for their purposes. His teeth gritted once more and relaxed.

Those two-faced bastards. He knew the customer service staff were no good when they started fawning over him, telling him that “of course they got complaints when they couldn’t fulfill their requests” or “we got everything under control.” 

In reality, they were all just disgusting liars who couldn’t do their job. If he hadn’t been suspicious of them, they might’ve gotten away with it. Those people had to be removed before they truly caused an incident; he cannot let such unsightly things remain. 

He picked up the phone.

________________________________________

3. Fired.

“You can’t do this to us! This is going against our contract.”

“Just because you’re your father’s son doesn’t mean you have any power here.”

“You’re going to speak to my lawyer about unfair dismissal, kid!”

It’s funny. The half-dozen or so people who were fawning over him just hours earlier were now cursing and shaming him. Of course they were angry. He just told them they were all fired a couple minutes ago and stopped saying anything when they started yelling like a mob. His lips trembled, trying to stop himself from smiling. 

Gods. He was so angry that he’s finding humor in it. Do they really think they have power here?

Bang. 

A bald-headed tall man - the manager he spoke to last - slammed his hands onto his desk, looming over him as if to intimidate him with the threat of physical violence. The noise made him flinch slightly, breaking his facade of calm and causing the other guy to smirk mockingly at him. 

Bastard.

This farce has gone on long enough.

“Okay. You can keep your jobs...”

Immediately, the six people leered triumphantly with the one at the head of the pack messing his desk up proudly stood up. 

“Good kid, see you know when you’re in the wrong.”

“Yeah, smart like your father,” said the man at his desk about to pat him on the head. Immediately, he swatted the man’s hand away.

“...as I gather the audio logs for our lawyers to peruse and determine how much damage you’ve done to the company’s image.”

That silenced the room better than a dead body being found in it. 

“If you didn’t do anything wrong, you’ll have my apologies and a bonus for your troubles. But if you’ve damaged our image... well, a company’s face is priceless - but I can definitely try to get back some recompense.” 

He lifted a finger which everyone else in the room followed.

“That’s your first option. The other option is to resign quietly, and I will not pursue this in the future. You can take the time to think about it. 

“You can-”

“You’re all dismissed. If you linger around a second longer,” he glared at the group, “I’m going to assume you’re taking the first option and want to be escorted out.” 

Immediately, upon realizing who had the actual power in the room, the group of six began to scramble out of the room, but just as the bald-headed manager exited out the door, Whitley spoke up. The words caused the man to stiffen up.

“Except you. You don’t get an option, manager. You're fired. Wait to hear from my lawyers.” 

He steepled his fingers together, a vicious satisfied smile on his lips. 

________________________________________

4. Security Card

...Okay. That was scary. He honestly thought that baldy was going to hit him at the very end. In the future, he was going to have a bodyguard in the room or Klein just in case. He loosened his vest slightly, the cloth sticking to his back from the cold sweat.

It was weird though. Why did something like customer service go all the way up to the level of the President?

Wasn’t that something for managers or department heads to solve?

“Maybe it’s just a test from father,” Whitley spoke out loud. He shook his head.

Yeah, that was probably it. 

----

Little did he know that his carelessly stated statement was caught by a hidden camera in his room.

---- 

The next day he found a folder on his desk and a white card with the label of 00 on it. 

________________________________________

5. Assignment

“Hey, Klein,” Whitley asked cautiously as the loyal man handed him a glass of water, “Did father come into my room yesterday?” 

He didn’t know what to make of the butler at times or how to treat him. Father said never to treat the help too kindly or they’ll take advantage of it, but Klein was someone he knew since he was born. He’s never seen him be anything but loyal and attentive. He wasn’t like the people he just dealt with.

Maybe he would’ve just dismissed him as just the help, but after having seen a very recent example of two-faced people, he couldn’t quite agree with his father’s assessment of Klein.

“Your father has gone on va-,” the man paused upon seeing the contents on the desk, particularly the white card on his desk. “That card?”

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a card like this before,” Whitley replied, “What does it actually do?”

Klein stared at the card quietly before saying, “Only the Master of the House could’ve given you that card. It will open every lock and file in the Schnee Dust Company. It means the Master has given you authority second to them.”

“Father must really trust me after I got results, right?” he proudly stated as he started shuffling through the documents. In doing so, he missed Klein’s smile, both proud and pained at the same time. 

The cursory review made his self-praising words die in his throat.

“Wait...He wants me to solve all these?!” Whitley yelled. It wasn’t that the entire packet consisted of a single problem. The entire seventy-two page packet was a large list of overdue problems and documents that required his attention. 

“Where’s father?”

“He’s currently on vacation. He won’t be here for a month.”

“Didn’t he just go on vacation two weeks ago? There should be someone to substitute while he’s gone?” 

“...No, sir. This is how it always has been.”

“Haha. You’re joking. Or is this part of the test, Klein?” He laughed but it soon died on his throat, seeing the man’s grim face. 

 “I will not lie to you, young master.” Klein remarked before adding with a nudge of his head, “There’s a note.”

He’s right. There was. The script was in cursive; it would’ve been elegant and soft if it weren’t for the shakiness in it. 

‘You have the right idea. Sometimes problems need to find the right people.’

________________________________________

6. Delegation

This was stupid. The purchasing of toilet paper or whether it had to be 2-ply or 3-ply or setting the price of bubble-gum at the employee store did not need to pass through the president’s desk.

Hell. It’s like anything that involved the tiniest amount of money or required the slightest authority needed to make its way to his desk. 

This was not a functional solution. He’ll die of exhaustion by the end of the week if that continued.

And the answers from the department heads were incredibly unhelpful.

‘It has always been this way.’

But it hasn’t. Looking through the records only he could access, everything changed when his father inherited the company from his grandfather. His father first fired anyone that disagreed with him and then diverted anything that looked like it involved money up to the very top. Maybe it was important back then, but those measures certainly didn’t need to be used now. 

His father ruled with an iron fist when it came to the company. No one dared to challenge his authority now. 

His father was smart. Intelligent. These actions didn’t match that. Was this just another one of his tests? He wanted to believe that, but...

‘The only person you can trust is yourself. Everyone else can betray you. Even family. Only trust others if you have power over them, that is trust.’

...It did match what his father would do. And if there was nothing else he learned from all those official dinners and parties, he knew how to read people, especially his father and his mercurial temper. 

With how many of these documents have been untouched and unread, what exactly is his father doing? 

Come to think of it. When was the last time his father sat in front of a computer instead of going on vacation or to one of his many dinners with his business associates?

He shook his head. Impossible. His father definitely worked hard. How else would this company be standing if he was that neglectful? Maybe these files were just like the 5% of untouched work since he had so much wor-

His screen flickered as he clicked on another file. The pillar of red pointing downwards made him pale. 

[ next ]

[gummybearzgocrazyagain]

MALEC FIC REC POST, vol.3

vol. 1

vol.2 

Media AU

Society Rules by @Tiger_Tiger_Burning_Bright [it is apparently based on films i’ve never heard of - The Philadelphia Story / High Society - which does not make it any less entertaining. malec are childhood friends, who had a falling out 5 years ago, and now Magnus is back from London to interrupt Lightwood wedding, aka the social event of the season]

Making my way to you by @asharee_arie [woah, what was that??? is the correct answer “a perfect fanfic”?? what a muthafuckin delight, where has this gem been hiding this whole time??? i was on the floor, rolling around and squealing like a newborn piglet. Intended as some kind of Office AU, this piece does not necessarily follow the outline, but who cares, when the story, and characters, and author’s style are all that perf??? i am in luv]

Mistletoe and Margaritas by @nevermetawolf [this is legendary, and i mean, muthafuckin epic - Office AU so authentic you’d feel it in yo old bones... author calls it a crack fic, although it was anything but!!! major must read for those, who’s ever loved office, allllllll the kudos]

Once Upon a Time in the Clouds by @Fatale (femme) [one of my all-time fav authors, every time i come by a piece i have not read yet, is like a huge YAY, what a talent. so this piece is an AU of something called “sky high”, which i have no idea about, but luved it nevertheless, Alec is born to a family of Supers, and is going to school for children with superpowers, but he himself is yet to manifest any.]

Quite Magical by @lorenzobane [Hogwarts AU, and what an adorable thing it was! granted, i’ve never actually read any of HP books, this was such a delight though... alec is bad at potions, and magnus has to tutor him *wink*]

Chef AU

the way to a chef’s heart by @lecrit [okay, the GIANT SMILE one’s face acquires when one finds out there is a new lecrit fic ≧◠‿◠≦ ≧◠‿◠≦ ≧◠‿◠≦ was reading it, and legitimately squealing like a feral piglet all the way through, cause i fucking luv every single word this woman writes, is like a tiny endorphin explosions in my brain. i know am a hopeless fangirl, but i’ll die on this hill. the way she gets malec, and every variation of them in her works just makes me go (❁´◡`❁) every. single. time.]

kids in the kitchen by @perpetual_journey [cuteness personified, malec are both chefs, and magnus is a single father of max and rafe, and go and read ittttttttt, its that soft content we all need in our lives sometimes]

Knives at the Ready by @harrysglasses [restaurant AU, that is supposed to be a malec rendition of Burnt (am guessing it’s a movie...?), and what a sweet treat it was! i liked author’s style, this is the kind of smooth, unproblematic content one would require to take repose from all the heart-clenching longing i’ve been reading lately... delightful piece to ease thy soul]

Single Parent AU

I Knew From the First Time by @KlaineJane [emmm, excuse you, dear author, who gave you the right to use Rafe and Max to get to my heart, and be generally so fucking cute??? Alec is a single dad of both rascals, that has a meeting with the High Warlock of Brooklyn, and Chairman meets new friends]

And Then I Met You by @everydayfandom [malec are single parents of max and rafe respectively, and alec gets called in to school about the accident max was involved in...who doesn’t luv them some gud ol’ sweet piece of kidfic? those are like a soothing baths for your soul, and lightwood-bane kids are incapable of being anything less than extremely adorable in any interpretation, so]

College AU

Don’t say goodnight by @alistoney [this the kinda lighthearted content i am always here for - College AU]

One year and a bottle of whiskey by @CryptidBane [yassssss, yet another version of the College AU, but with malec as both clueless and pining professors, this type of fic i can read endlessly]

All is Fair in Love and War by @LadyOxymoron [aaaaaaaa, what was this adorableness *major heart-eyes* what a piece, mashallah, college professors AU, where magnus is new in town, and malec is engaging in an elaborate prank war, which, undoubtedly, is nothing more than a prolonged foreplay (c), what a gem]

Canon Divergence

oh, i’ve waited for you by @manticoremoons [so, the fic is happening a little bit further in a timeline, than the books or the series, and Alec is around 30, and... married to Lydia. i know, i know, it almost stopped me from proceeding, and boi am i glad it hasn’t completely, cause it is a damn good piece!]

Hey There Demons, It’s Me (Your Dream Boyfriend) by @thealmostrhetoricalquestion [how many recs of this author can i make, without being deemed obsessed? cause y’all should go and read every single thing they wrote, stat. this adorableness is outta this world, literally - magnus’ summoning went sideways, and the loft ends up populated with the teenage ghost-demon, who is very clearly enamored with alexander... all kinds of fluff ensue]

Something Else verse by @CryptidBane (Impetus) [maybe it’s my fever talking, but i am such a sucker for memory loss AUs, and SH fandom has the richest canon base for those, yay! this time, it’s an AU verse after 3x10: rather than asking for his magic, Asmodeus curses magnus by taking away memories from everyone who’s ever loved him, in exchange for freeing jace from lilith’s thrall... oh, what a beautiful and delicious angst ensues]

Home by @otppurefuckingmagic [waaaaaaaaat... *sits with her mouth open* how did you....? how did he...? damnnnnnnnnn you authors in this fandom, stop being so talented!!!! this is uncannily brilliant]

I’ll hold on until you’re home by @alistoney [how dare you sir, right in the feels... the missing scene in the midst of 3x18/3x19, when magnus realizes what his idiot of a boyfriend has done, and confronts him about the Asmodeus deal]

First time for everything by @nebulein [“Nowhere in a Shadowhunters’ job description does it read ‘must look adorable while infatuated with the local High Warlock’.” - series of firsts written with such tenderness and adoration for characters, that it warms your heart while reading, - it shows how much the author cares for them. it is not finished, but whatever has already been written, is gold]

Fake dating AU

The Great Repression by @CryptidBane (Impetus) [although it might not be exactly my regular cup of tea, i still appreciate this author’s style so damn much, and the way they do malec dynamic overall, so it’s here. magnus is a camboy, and alec is hired to protect him from a stalker]

Friends to lovers

Family is Family by @hexicity [my brains are fried by the covid, so any coherent rec would be unlikely right about now, but the softness of this <333 alec sees an ad about a free room, and when he moves in, he finds way more, than he bargained for... gave me a bit of a “happy, shiny people everywhere” vibe, and that’s an automatic rec in my books, so]

Spinning Around In Circles by @lemonoclefox [my fav friends to lovers/mutual pining trope, here you are, and what a pretty pretty wrapper are you wearing - absolutely amazing interpretation of a trope, that seems to has been done to death, and yet here i am, never able to get enough of it <3]

If it walks like a duck by @thealmostrhetoricalquestion [this. i was reading this. and after every single word. all i wanted to do was get down on one knee and propose to this person. i dunno who the hell you is, but.... how did you do this? it was... another level of fanfiction.]

Neighbors AU

Meow 17:1 Love Thy Neighbor by @high-warlock-of-brooklyn [again, not a fan of drabbles, but who could resist such softness??? Neighbors AU, where Chairman takes some lessons he learnt from “Parent trap” to heart, and alec is a stumbling mess, but he gets shit done, kudossssssss]

Various AU mix

Solid courage by @thealmostrhetoricalquestion [how goddamn CUTE was dat???? answer - the cutest. mashallah people in this fandom can write]

Paper Love by @thealmostrhetoricalquestion [it would not be an exaggeration to admit i thoroughly fell in love with this author’s style, i mean, all and every version of their malec is all kinds of awesome. this one is no exception - catarina works in the library, and malec have to take madzie out to a coffee shop, cause their obnoxious flirting is too loud for the quaint environment of catarina’s workplace.... it’s tiny and so so sooooooo sweet]

make no bones by @ohfreckle [yaaaaaaaaay, what a cutie, tiny preciousness about magnus having an awful day and taking it out on a no-good useless building super, simply delightful]

Freud is a Dick by @sanctuary_for_all [Alec works in IT firm, and accidentally sends someone else’s dick pick to his boss, whom he has a crush on... do i need to say more]

shadows in moonlight by @kaeg [damnnnnnn, son, that was a ride!! something exquisitely soulful, tender and so, so poetic... young malec meet in summer vacation home, and it will take your breath away in the best way possible... warning, it is unfinished, but whatever was written, is absolute preciousness]

For the Love of the Game by @TicklemyPickle [Hockey AU, where malec were childhood friends, but had a falling out, and were not in touch for the last 7 years, until magnus gets traded in to alec’s team... i was somewhat unsure about reccing this, as some of the choices author made regarding their dynamic did not exactly resonate with me, but decided to go on, because, god as my witness, one thing this world definitely needs more of - is malec Hockey AUs, word upppp]

Love Is A Gamble by @la-muerta [i myself do not completely understand, why has it taken me so long to get to the “The importance of elsewhere” author’s most famous piece, but i finally have, it was amazeballs, like, the world-building...? off the charts. the language, the moral struggle, what a gem. alec is a grumpy and surely sheriff *duh!!!* of a tiny town, and magnus strolls in being all... well, magnus-y, and opens a gambling house, the potential!!! anyway, i highly doubt this piece needs recs, so imma zip it]

@ohprongs [this author has too many tiny pieces i like to name them individually, but as far as reccing goes, they should def be mentioned here for their effortless, seamless style, and clear love for the characters in all interpretations, that simply shines through all and any AUs they choose to put malec in]

special mention:

@theleftboobgrabber [i wasn’t aware that at this stage it was still possible to come by someone like this. the author, who’s style would impress me so. that unbelievably glorious Mafia AU, absolutely delightful and literally perfect My mama don’t like you series, and something that went straight to my top-5 - MI6 AU ohhhhh, that MI6 AU... i have no coherent words to express the depths of my appreciation, this is unbelievable fucking talent for writing malec]

[honestlyhufflepuff]

Here are 20 reasons I am leaving the caregiver job with the client I've had since 2008: a list of unprofessional behavior and abuse by my client's guardian.

1. She said I wasn't Christian anymore, and said I was disrespecting my mother, for leaving the church I was raised in.

2. During the first year of employment, she would yell at me multiple times a week over things like leaving a lamp on (this is while I was caring for her medically fragile, high needs adult daughter). She would accuse me of being incompetent or trying to get fired for unemployment.

3. She told me I was not approved off for my honeymoon, less than a month beforehand, when I gave her over 5 months notice with consistent reminders. She harassed me over several texts while I was on my honeymoon saying I would be fired if I did not return a week earlier than I was supposed to.

4. She told me I still had to come in when I was sick and vomiting because she did not believe me. I became dehydrated and was vomiting so much that I had uncontrollable dry heaving and was unable to drive home. She refused to come home early when I told her of my symptoms, and when she did come home to see me retching into her trash can, she started handing me cleaning supplies to disinfect the trash can and the entire bathroom before I went to the emergency room...

5. ...there was no apology or ownership in forcing a sick employee to work to the point of needing to be hospitalized. She would not accept that I could not come into work for the next 3 days until my husband delivered the doctor's note.

6. I worked there throughout college, and would present my new school schedule each semester. For one class, I made the mistake of scheduling it after work. She said the schedule worked with her, but then consistently got home 30 min to and hour late. I missed so many classes that I had to withdraw.

7. Even after the hospitalization mentioned in #3, she would continue to be skeptical of any time I called in sick over the years (which wasn't often). I had no PTO or sick leave to use even when I was full time, so when I took off I didn't get paid. I was never approved to take off for any reason, and when I did take off it was accompanied by a massive guilt trip about how I was putting her family in a bind. It did not matter if it was a vacation, an illness, a doctor's appointment, or a family emergency. It also did not matter how much or little notice I gave; the guilt trips and emotional manipulation still accompanied any time I needed off. To this day, with every job I've had, I am always incredibly anxious about asking off, but it's never been a problem anywhere else I've worked.

8. Emotionally manipulative things she has said to get me to stay:

-"We don't have anyone else. I have to go to my job in order to care for [client's name]. You would be jeopardizing my job by leaving, and her well being." (If pressed she eventually admits to not looking for anyone else)

-"[Client's name] loves you like a sister, and her quality of life would go down significantly without you..." continues to tell me that if I don't do what she wants then I don't love or care for the client, even if it is because I need a job with higher pay and benefits to support my own family.

-"I thought the two of us were friends. This is very selfish of you." (Any time I don't do what she wants, like continuing to go to school full time).

-"God has put her in your life for a reason. You are called as spiritual sisters. It's your responsibility to care for her."

-"In the real world-the business world- other people won't be ok with you just taking off without approval. It's insubordinate and unprofessional." I was only 18 when she told me this, and young enough to believe her. Once again, I've literally never had a problem taking off with any other client or job because I often had PTO, and was always able to obtain leave approval easily. Even when it meant the client parent had to take off from work, they understood that the onus was on them to find the needed staff to account for people needing sick days and vacation.

9. She puts me in the middle of personal drama, constantly bad-mouthing the client's father and other attendants (who all inevitably leave after a year or two at most).

10. Told me, after a decade of infertility, that God told her I would become pregnant and have a son I was to name Amos. She said it would only become true if I prayed about it, so now when I most likely don't become pregnant, I feel it will be blamed on my lack of faith- or the fact that I am a different faith from her. I feel this instance was truly out of good intention, but ultimately unprofessional and something I would have preferred she keep to herself.

11. For years, she never got home when she said she would. I could never make plans after work because she would agree to come home at 7 and sometimes not make it home until 8:30. She always blamed traffic, needing to run an errand, or her boss keeping her. Then, when I had my own child I had to pick up from an after school program, she consitently got home on time. This showed me that she did have the executive functioning skills to be on time, but did not respect my personal time or work with other clients enough to do so before I was a parent.

12. I bent over backwards trying to help her. I scheduled less time with higher paying clients that were lower need. I sometimes worked 60 hour weeks while I was also in school. It never felt like it was enough. Even for the time I was working there 6 hours a week it was always "Why can't you stay later? Where do you have to be?" The more I gave, the more was expected, and then I was guilted for not meeting that higher expectation.

13. She refused to take the time to have team meetings with other service providers and caregivers, despite the fact all my other client families do this, and keep staff much more consistently as a result. Because of this, information and instructions were always inconsistent. With the client being significantly behaviorally challenged and medically fragile, this was at everyone's detriment.

14. Over the years, I referred 3 friends to work for her because she insisted she could not find caregivers on her own. All 3 of them lasted less than a year due to her behavior. She would then blame them and trash talk them to me, despite knowing I was still friends with them.

15. She expected caregivers to also deep clean the house. We are talking hours worth of work, that there just was not time for within the shift while also meeting the needs of the client.

16. She is openly homophobic, xenophobic, and although she thinks of herself as "not racist," she was extremely weird towards my besf friend's African fiancé. She refused to shake his hand and told me she didn't think he was with her for the "right reasons." Maybe thought he was in it for a green card? She seemed skeptical when I told her that he became a citizen 2 years prior, and that they'd been dating 6 years.

17. She has systematically isolated my adult client more and more over the years. We used to share many interests in things like Harry Potter, early 2000's pop, anime, Harajuku fashion, Adventure Time, Steven Universe, etc. One by one, everything we bonded over was off limits, due to being a "bad influence" or "demonic." She is no longer allowed to engage in any age-expected media unless it is explicitly Christian, and it breaks my heart to see how sad she gets about that.

18. When I was in college, and completely broke after just paying for books and classes, she said that she wanted me to go to the water park with her and the client. Admission was $50. I assumed she was paying since I was being required to go for work, and this was always what was done in the past. In the car, I asked if I could ride a roller coaster that the client wouldn't be able to go on while they ate ice cream. She said "Sure! You can ride whatever you like!"

So, I start getting excited. We're chatting pleasantly until the moment when she says "OK, when we get out of the car, you can go pay for your ticket first, and then I will bring..."

My stomach dropped. I told her there was a misunderstanding, and that I could not afford my ticket. She acted like it wasn't right that she should have to pay for mine. I told her that if she didn't want to, then I could study at the Starbucks across the street while they attended the park. She said no, because obviously she still wanted my help with her daughter. She paid for my ticket, making passive aggressive comments the whole time about everything I did, from how I pushed the wheelchair to how long I took to go to the bathroom despite the line.

I was no longer permitted to go ride the roller coaster, and I sat in silence while they ate their ice cream.

19. Recently, due to Covid, I do not have child care for my own daughter on Fridays. I have been bringing her to work with me, which my client's mom was supportive of. Then the client had drastic behavioral changes that I won't detail, but that O can say was significantly stressful on my daughter, and made it stressful for me to manage both of them at the same time. I told the mother, 2 weeks in advance, that I could not come in on Fridays until the behavior was consistently resolved. I do not want to get a sitter outside of maybe my aunt, due to covid, and I wouldn't expect her to do that every week. My client's mom was very understanding of this at first, seeing as we both now have special needs children, but the night before the next Friday I was scheduled to come in she berated me for not finding babysitting to the point that I started to panic. I firmly told her that I gave her plenty of notice, and then blocked her number up until the day I was scheduled to come back in.

20. When she is home at the same time I am helping her daughter, she micromanages everything. I think she is incapable of just letting me do the same work I've been doing for over a decade without standing over my shoulder and looking for something wrong.

Some background info:

I wanted to write this, first of all, to document all the reasons that I am justified in leaving, so that I can refer back to it no matter how hard she tries to get me to stay. This is like my anonymous way of getting it off my chest since no one who follows me on here knows me irl. Second of all, I want all the young professionals on here to know that, if they are treated like this in the work place, it is ok to leave!

I started working for this family when I was 18, and I am now 31. I have worked as many as 60 hour weeks, and as little as twice a month when I was full time with the state, but I have always cared for her in some capacity since 2008. I am currently working 15-20 hours a week with her.

You may wonder why I've stayed so long, and in regards to that I will say first of all that abusive relationships are hard to leave. The abuser may convince you that you are bad and won't find anywhere else good enough to take you. This can pertain to any type of relationship, be it romantic, professional, parental, or friends.

Another factor is that I love my client deeply, and my employer takes advantage of that. We grew up childhood friends, which is one reason maintaining professional boundaries with this family has been so hard.

The last reason I have stayed may be the hardest to explain, but I will try.

Sometimes she is good. My employer has made improvements over the years. Most of the worst things on here happened when I was in college. I don't know if her improvement is due to a genuine change in heart, or because she knows deep down that her behavior is why all the other caregivers left.

Whatever the reason, we do actually care for each other. We do actually connect and have a good time. She is kind to my husband and my daughter. She often tells me that I am a godsend to her family, a loyal and talented caregiver, and the best friend her daughter has ever had (although she will contradict this the moment I am not doing what she wants).

What I want people in similar situations to know is that the good moments do not erase the trauma of the bad ones. It is not my responsibility to "get over it" because she is trying to do better. A lot of the stuff she has said and done run too deep, and when she lapses into her old ways, I find myself reacting in a panic-driven, irritable way that's not really me. It's a reaction to trauma. I am not required to continue to stay at an underpaid job with an environment that evokes such emotions.

So please, if you are being treated like this in your job, then leave. You will find something else. For me, I intend to have another job lined up before leaving, but I'm on my way. For the first time in years, I've revamped my resumé, and it felt so empowering to work on a document that highlights my strengths!

For anyone in a similar position, you've got this. There are a lot of great jobs out there. There are a lot of humane employers. If you are treated like this, then label it for what it is. It is abuse. It is unhealthy. It is not ok. It is not erased by the times they are nice. And you deserve better.

[ylizam]

going to continue the trend of saying, DO THIS IF YOU WANT TO. look, a shiny time-wasting internet question thingy! just like Ye Olde Livejournal days! tag, you’re all it.

1. Name/Nicknames: I do not tend to use my real name here, so call me whatever. if you do know my real name, I absolutely prefer my full name to any traditional nicknames of same! but also initials are good! 

2. Gender: non-binary

3. Star Sign: leo

4. Height: 5′1.5″, aka I was once measured as tall as 5′2″ but I’m really not quite. (apparently my lack of height comes from my Italian great-grandmother’s side of the family. everyone else is, if not tall, at least over 5′4″.)

5. Time: 13:57 EST.

6. Birthday: august 17

7. Favourite Band: I’ll go with Fleetwood Mac, as they are both band and soap opera combined.

8. Favourite Solo Artist: Dolly Parton

9. Song Stuck in My Head: Survivor’s Eye of the Tiger! (um, mostly because we sing it to our (tiger) cat.)

10. Last Movie: Judas and the Black Messiah, which I enjoyed but also the main characters are cast Too Old. which kept taking me out of it a bit. (the actors are very good, mind, but the real people were so young.)

11. Last Show: we’re (re)watching Babylon 5 right now (which is a surprise to ... no one following this tumblr, I am sure, what with my Ivanova and Delenn spirals). (“re” in parentheses because I’ve watched it all the way through before but roommate has not). I’m also watching Dix Pour Cent when I have the brains to watch something in French (which I find takes more concentration than watching things in other non-English languages, as I understand just enough that I tend to both read the subtitles but also simultaneously try to interpret the spoken French and anyway!), so it’s taking longer than it might otherwise take (but also means it feels like there’s more of it somehow, so bright side there?).  

12. When I Created This Blog: apparently December 2016? but I had a sideblog with this name before that, only I got frustrated with the limitations of that set up and just created this one. 

13. What I Post: mostly photos and gifsets of the fictional women about whom I obsess on the regular, ditto ships I am into; on the rarest of rare occasions, I even post fic.

14. Last Thing I Googled: hahaha where to get a covid test (I was ill yesterday, but am better today so fingers crossed I won’t have to use this information right now because wow is testing around here very car-centric). 

15. Other Blogs: a largely unused anymore DW that every so often I think about using again, also a tumblr that I use for just non-fannish stuff basically (and to which I pay only sporadic attention). 

16. Do I get asks?: sometimes! I am terrible at answering them, though, especially if I don’t immediately know what to say. 

17. Why I Chose My URL: it’s my LJ/DW username, but backwards because someone had already claimed my actual old username. 

18. Following: 115

19. Followers: 182

20. Average Hours of Sleep: never enough

21. Lucky Number: 7

22. Instruments: I played clarinet through middle school? um, piano for a bit, guitar for a bit. mostly I sang—choirs, musical theatre, madrigals, lessons, etc. (please note that I do none of the above now.)

23. What I Am Wearing: grey joggers and my A’ja Wilson hoodie. 

24. Dream Job: one that I’m not required to hold down due to money/healthcare/etc.? 

25. Dream Trip: lately I’ve been fantasizing about going to New Zealand and/or Australia during the Women’s World Cup? like taking a long stretch of time off, catching at least one match, and mostly just visiting friends and spending too much money traveling between places in Australia and New Zealand when I really ought to split them into more than one trip. (clearly, in this dream trip, we’ve somehow perfected transporter technology because I know that much actual traveling between various locations during a vacation would stress me out.) 

26. Favourite Food: probably pizza (and now I am thinking fondly back on the days of buying a slice from the local place and staking out a booth for everyone, sprinkling on the parm and red pepper flakes, not even bothering to soak up any of the grease). things with vinegar. bread (particularly with good butter or good olive oil). eggs are pretty miraculous. chocolate. 

27. Nationality: american. 

28. Favourite Song: but there are so many songs! how does one choose? so let’s just say I’ve had a soft spot for Billy Joel’s Scenes from an Italian Restaurant forever, which is not at all a surprising fact about me. 

29. Last Book I Read: what is this reading thing? honestly, though, it’s been a rough stretch; I think the last thing I actually finished reading (as opposed to skimming through to the end because I feel guilty borrowing an ebook and not finishing it because I know there are limits on usage and whatnot, but also I just couldn’t actually read the book in question anymore) was Elatsoe by Darcie Little Badger? 

30. Top 3 fictional universes I would love to live in: hm. the Star Trek utopia (the version it claims to be, at least) is probably the big one. after that? this is very hard! maybe the Galavant-verse, as I too inexplicably break into song at any occasion? I can’t think of another right now, but it would have to be a gentle space setting, possibly a station; stars everywhere but no capitalism, no war, plus community, plus magic, plus joy.

[bbnssmit-blog]

You Will Never Be Rich If You Keep Doing These 10 things

There are no secrets to getting rich overnight, but there are some proven systems that can help you get rich.

The reality is that everyone has the same opportunity to be rich. Some may face greater obstacles than others. But the opportunity is there for everyone to seize.

Have you ever wondered why some people are rich, and others are not? Mostly it’s because of their lifestyle and mindset.

Many people spend their entire lives lamenting the situation in which they were born, while others strive every day to change it, and that differentiates us.

Also, they still believe in easy money and that everything is a matter of luck. That is why there are still companies that steal money from others by promising to double it in a week.

There are still a lot of people that do nothing because they feel that one day “their time will come” and believe that wealthiness is a matter of divine luck.

But having money or “financial freedom” is more a matter of habits and effort than “luck or easy way,” and there are many habits that do not allow you to achieve that goal.

From living beyond your means to having a single source of income, I bring you 10 signs that say you will never be rich.

1.- Have a full-time job and work

In this world, there is nothing completely true. Everyone has the potential to make their future as they wish, and in reality, the limit is the very head of each person.

But throughout my brief life and from a few books I read, I have discovered that most affluent millionaires have one thing in common: None are employed.

Some reasons are:

An entrepreneur spends many more hours on average, analyzing and structuring their investments.

Entrepreneurs hardly take their financial situation for granted. They are always on the lookout for unfavorable changes, and this causes them to dedicate time and effort to take care of their resources.

They have to take care of their own financial situation as no one else will do it for them.

Being an entrepreneur means taking more responsibilities and risks. Get out of their comfort zone and create additional income sources.

In school, we learn that hard work will get us ahead in life. But “that’s only half the story,” says Ric Edelman, a top financial adviser.

When you are an employee, you are used to a salary. If that salary gives you to live comfortably, take vacations, and pay your bills, then you are hardly looking for something else.

However, almost no one becomes a millionaire by saving from an employee’s salary. So one reason you won’t be a millionaire is that you only have one job.

In my case, I spent 4 years of my life waiting for my salary to increase and working extra and giving my best, but my bosses only increased me when I wanted to go to another company, not because “I deserved it.”

I realize that bosses don’t really care about your performance as long as you do your work correctly, and if you are in a company that only cares about the money, you will not earn anything extra for your efficiency.

So this year, I decided to make a change; instead of waiting for a salary increase, I started working only the necessary in the company and using my energy and time for personal projects.

The result was to increase my monthly income by 150% between investments and entrepreneurship. I have learned a lot about investments, and I hope in 2021 to become totally independent.

And it’s transformed my outlook on lifemedium.com

Passive Income Is A Lie, But Scalable Income Is Real

2- Put too much emphasis on saving

If in January you put $1000 in a bank account that generates 1% annual interest, you will currently have $10 earned. However, if in January 2020, you had bought 3 shares of Netflix for a value of $324. Currently, you would have $580 earned.

I’m not telling you that you should invest all your money in stocks; that requires analysis and knowing the market. What I mean by this is that there are better ways to use your money than leaving it in a saved account.

Saving in a bank account monthly will not make you a millionaire. Invest wisely and use those savings to create additional forms of income will.

There are many (and even safe ways) in which you can use your savings today that can help you generate more income tomorrow. For example, one of the investments that I am currently doing is buying courses. Knowledge is one of the best ways you can invest your money.

I learned to invest my money wisely, and I was trying different forms of investment—for example, deposit certificates and shares.

In total, I have spent $700 dollars on courses this year. But that earned me $2200 for improving my writing. In trading, I have spent $900, but that has allowed me to earn $3000 so far.

That money in a bank account would have allowed me to buy a new handbag, but now I have new forms of income that will allow me to retire earlier in the future.

3- Believe in easy money

There are many businesses that promise you “financial freedom.” Today there are still many people who believe that they will get rich with them, but they do not really work to make you rich.

According to David Olariyone, some of them are:

Gambling. In gambling, the system makes people lose money. And also to make someone feel lucky. Gamblers lose much more than they gain over the long term.

“No-Product” Network Marketing. A network marketing without a product will eventually turn into a form of a Ponzi scheme. If you are lucky enough to be one of the first to enter, you will get money fast, but it eventually becomes an unsustainable business, and if you have your money or your friends there at that moment, you will lose everything.

Lending money casually. Family members will not take your service seriously. If your family does not want to pay you, you will not put them in jail. No matter how professional and legal you want to do business with a member of your family, it will always be something that will look casual.

Playing with Cryptocurrencies. Cryptocurrency is not a way to make money; it is a way to keep the money, like to have your money in another currency. You can win big quick and lose big, even faster. If you don’t know what you are doing, you will be full of regret later.

If you want to earn a lot of money, work, invest your time and money, learn about what really works, and be consistent.

Everything I’ve accomplished so far has been hard work. From the outside, maybe other people will think it is luck, but every day (even on vacation), I have been getting up early to grow in those personal projects.

I learned from a young age that easy money did not exist when my father did not want to give me money for a cell phone, and I had to save from the school lunch to buy it. Now I know why he didn’t give it to me, and I appreciate it.

4- Never learn anything about money

If you don’t learn how to drive properly, you will never get a license. It is not safe for someone who doesn’t know basic rules to ride in a vehicle. The same goes for money.

If you don’t know how money works, you will never make money work for you.

I know people who do not know how taxes work or why companies reduce certain amounts of their salary. I always wonder how they know that they are not being scammed if they do not care about what the companies are using their money on.

Financial education enables people to better visualize their opportunities, make smart decisions, know where to get help, and take action to resolve conflicts.

For example, in my country, there is a law that those who earn a certain amount of money and are studying, the government will be returned annually 10% of the taxes they spent on education. Anyway, I think I only know 3 people who use that benefit out of the 200 people who studied with me.

Thanks to this benefit, the government has returned me up to $ 1000 for education. Using credit cards wisely, I got a “free” roundtrip flight to Boston, and I know how to make money work for me.

Something that helped me a lot to learn how money works were working for 1 year in a bank. Although I am a programmer, that experience helped me understand at a logical level how all processes work.

There I realized that loans and credit cards, in general are a problem instead of a solution if they were not for a specific purpose. Many people believe that credit cards are to spend and spend. But I learned that they are really to have benefits when you use them.

5- Don’t have goals for your money

Having goals allowed me to buy my first car at age 19, my first house at age 22, and travel 2 times a year every year. Every year I make a budget in excel and what I want to achieve with that money.

That allows me to work with more passion for achieving it and don’t spend my money on unnecessary things.

The best way to save and increase your income is to have a goal for that money. If you do not know what you want to have money for, then it would not be logical for you to save; it would not make sense to save it.

Do you want to buy a house? Get a new car? Travel the world? Those are valid goals that you can write in order to save for it.

Most of the people who do not have a goal with their savings do not have a single dollar in the account. They live from day to day and enjoy the now. If you don’t know what your financial goals are, you can’t start working to accomplish them.

“The number one reason most people don’t get what they want is that they don’t know what they want,” T. Harv Eker in his book

The first thing you must-do if you want to be rich one day is to know the reason you want to be rich.

6-You haven’t started investing

Investing is essential to good money management because it ensures both present and future financial security.

Not only do you end up with more money in the bank, but you also end up with another income stream. Investing is the only way to achieve both growing wealth and passive income.

If you do not invest your money, it means that you plan to live only with your monthly salary and that you have no plans to retire until age 65.

If you want to retire early or become financially independent, investing is the way to do it.

Any investment is better than none, but you need to choose carefully.

The higher a return offered by an investment, the greater the risk of losing your money. In order to protect your wealth, you want to hold a mix of high- and low-risk investments.

Last year I got a mutual fund that leaves me 7% safely. There I have the money that I want to save in the long term. For short term savings, I have certificates and stocks. Also, I started buying properties. I currently have one house. In the coming years, I will continue to buy for rent and Airbnb.

A comprehensive guide for beginner DIY investorsmedium.com

How to Get Started as an Index Investor

7- Have only one source of income

Living only on your employee salary is a sign of conformity. Not looking for other sources of income means that you have no aspirations or goals to grow.

Although you are financially well off with your salary, and it allows you to have a quiet life, having different sources of income allows you to achieve financial independence, eventually.

Millionaires, on average, have seven streams of income. They’ve learned that diversification and creating multiple streams of income is the key to long-term wealth creation. This is the key to achieving what many people dream of: financial freedom.

Having multiple incomes has a lot of benefits; the principal is security. If there’s anything the last decade has taught us, it’s that no job is safe.

The economy takes wild swings beyond anyone’s control, and unfortunately, for most people, their only source of income is from their day job. When that reliable 9–5 disappears, they find themselves in serious financial trouble.

Three years ago, I only worked, I had a fixed monthly salary, and savings and my goals were only according to that income. My dreams were limited. After I started learning how to have other income, I started dreaming bigger, and now I feel like there is nothing I can’t achieve in the next years.

8- Don’t step out of your comfort zone

To become rich is to step out into the unknown and conquer fear. Exploring new thoughts and ideas and incorporating them into our lives means getting out of that comfort zone we are accustomed to.

The more comfortable you are in your little cocoon, the fewer risks you will take, and fewer opportunities will come your way.

The more contracted you become with fear, the fewer people you will meet, and the fewer new strategies you will try.

The minute you become comfortable, you stop growing.

A moment of fear can screw up your life for eternity. Being comfortable and fearful has killed more ideas, opportunities, more action, and more growth than anything else combined.

If you want to grow, you have to take risks and make mistakes.

Instead of being afraid to take risks, see each opportunity to learn new skills.

If I hadn’t made my dreams to better income goals a reality, I’d still be waiting for a raise, riding an old car, and looking for a better job. Now I know that life is more than looking for a perfect position in a company.

9- Think being rich is reserved for lucky people

Nothing in this life is a chance or divine luck.

Everything that happens to us in this life results from our actions. Getting rich can be very hard work. Thinking that become rich is luck means that you don’t want to work or take the risk to achieve anything.

People become wealthy through thousands of strategic decisions and actions that make them wealthy. They develop skills; they create products; provide services; and beyond all, provide value to other people.

It’s natural to look at someone who is wealthy and point to some “lucky” reason that they were successful. It’s impossible to know the thousands of decisions and actions that lead to success.

For example, I could write a blog post, have it go viral, accumulate a large audience, and make a lot of money. That doesn’t just happen randomly, though.

For most writers, it will take hundreds if not thousands of posts that are carefully edited and targeted before one goes viral. No one sees the year of work that went into creating a platform and audience before that perfect post took off.

Wealthy people spend years developing skills, building a reputation, and creating value before they get paid.

10-Get a credit card and spend a lot

Blowing your entire paycheck (and then some) each month isn’t an ingredient in the recipe for financial success. Neither is draining your savings or running up card balances. Most of the people who will never have financial health are those who spend more than they earn.

If you want to be poor all your life, fill out the credit card and pay only the minimum, buy cars that are more expensive than your capacity, and never make extraordinary payments on your loan.

But keep in mind that being rich in social media is not as important as actually being rich. Impressing people who don’t care about you won’t help you live a peaceful life.

To stop spending, start by tracking where the money goes every month. Try to zero in on nonessential areas where you can cut back. Then create a realistic budget that ensures you have enough to pay the bills and enough for investment.

Currently, I use my credit cards for any benefit they give me, for example, to generate points for trips or discounts in specific stores. I do not have any loan, and I will only take one when it is for an investment and the earnings are better than the interest.

Final thoughts

The general population has a love/hate relationship with wealth. Some resent those who have money while simultaneously hoping for it themselves.

There are exceptions, but the reason a vast majority of people never accumulate a substantial nest egg is that they don’t understand the nature of money or how it works.

I believe that being rich begins in the mind. You may earn a lot of money now, but if you don’t know how to manage it, it won’t last forever.

If you want to be rich, then you must educate yourself and know how the world works, because if you continue to believe that everything is a matter of luck and not work and knowledge, then I regret to tell you you will stay in your comfort zone.

[thisiswhereibloom]

Today Is My Liberation

As our first year wedding anniversary creeps its head around the night, I can’t help it but wonder why? - Why did things have to take such a turn? Why couldn't we work out the differences? When did you start seeing me with that black lens that turned every single one of my actions into something you hate? - Why did I become this “miserable piece of shit ball of depression” to you? - When did I become disposable to you? 

It has taken countless of psychologist hours, self-analysis, mentoring support, reading and learning about the subject to accept that regardless of what I did, would have or could have ever done, the outcome was always going to be the same. It would’ve always been ME. - Today, 12 July 2020, a day before what was supposed to be our first year wedding anniversary, I sit in front of my new home-office desk and start to accept that it wasn’t me, it was NOT me. I am not broken! Despite your and your family’s attempt to convince me that there was something wrong with me because I missed home, the home I left behind to come to the other side of world and build a family with you; or because I cried when you showered me in insults, as your sister said: “you shouldn't be affected the way you are by the words he calls you. They are jokes”; or because a car didn't provide me with the emotional and human affection I was in such a deep need of and in an attempt to ask for help I made a public comment instead of “brushing things under the carpet” as your dad said I should do. Despite the countless times I was called selfish, psychotic, miserable, a disgrace, ball of depression, monster, cunt. Despite your attempt to convince me to go on meds, as in your eyes it was the only way I could be “normal”. Despite the threats to leave me alone in this country I had yet to know and the times you packed up a bag and walked out disappearing for hours only to come back home and force me to apologize for your version of reality. Despite the way you painted me out to be God knows what to everyone in this country because as you told me multiple times, I am the new one here and everyone who knows you so whatever I say, no one would ever believe me. Despite my 4 unsuccessful attempts to reach out and ask for help from 4 of your friend’s partners as they all ignored me. Today, I stand up strong with my head held high as fuck and am proud to say that I am Domestic Violence Survivor. I escaped the cycle of violence from a narcissistic abuser with an incredible group of flying monkeys who not only enabled his behavior but were experts in the game. 

If you care to know, I am not mad at you. I feel sorry for the person I got to know these past year and the person that will continue to evolve and possibly only improve the manipulation tactics I was blinded to. I feel sorry for the possible future victims and pray that life has provided them such a strong foundation like mine, to help them get out of the cycle sooner than later. Although, you did not get a criminal conviction as you played it safe as expected, working out for both of our advantages. I am satisfied knowing that you won't be able to lure another girl overseas and bring her to an unknown country to dispatch her as she no longer serves your needs.

However, I am upset at the flying monkeys that not only enabled your destructive behavior towards me, but played your game by joining into the shaming of my emotions and shutting down my cries of help by diminishing and disregarding the pain I was living in. I was once again, by the other 3 people who were supposed to be the closest to me in my new home, told I was broken. 

When I asked for space to clear my head, to swim to the surface and catch my breath, I was told I could not be left alone as I was “too emotional”. But how could I not be when I found myself sitting at a round table with you and your 3 flying monkeys telling me I was broken. Telling me to brush off your insults under the carpet, that it was not OK for me to be sad because you never kissed or hug me, or because you called me a disgrace, a monster, a selfish bitch, you told me I ruined your life and that you wished you could ship me back.  It was then, I knew I had to join your game while I got ready to leave. So I did. 

You know, the last 2 months I saw you is when you were the calmer and “best” version of yourself. It was not because I wasn't emotional or psychotic. Instead, it was because outside our little love nest of hell, I was building my support system, I was being prepared by a professional, I was building escape routes, all while smiling and keeping the tears away from you. I was accepting your commands while staying within my new boundaries. I know you saw me slipping away though. Your second last attempt was the same as always, to buy me with a trip. You tried rushing into a vacation within weeks when we were not even living together. Then, you put on your show by coming back just for my birthday and making me pay for the brunch you took me to because “it’s all our money” but it never was, you asked me to leave my job. Yeah, for the second time in 10 months you asked me to leave my job as you would take care of us. But the truth is, you never gave a single cent. In fact, I had to become strict to obtain financial help from you as the fancy place you decided to live in was being all paid by me with the excuse that you were paying off “our properties”. Little do your people know that, right? - They all thought I was a gold digger. When you bought “me” the car you couldn't afford, just to show off and fought with me to post the beautiful video your sister recorded as I saw the car. Then you complained about me not being surprised enough for it and how I was selfish because of the same. Well, I was not surprised because I already knew you bought it. And I was not ecstatic about it because you did it in a desperate attempt to buy me and keep me by your side after I said you’re losing with all the insults and abuse. You became desperate as I became wiser. I started to predict your next move and by the time you exploded, I was ready to fly and never look back. 

You know, all the weakness you saw and fed me is slowly turning into this unstoppable stream of self-empowerment. I am not going to lie, it has been tough, more than anyone who has not lived through it could imagine. In a way, I guess you would say you won because I started taking medication. I did it about 2-3 weeks before our final separation because getting ready for it in silence was eating me alive and causing unstoppable anxiety attacks. Remember how I can’t ever throw up? - Well I was throwing up every day multiple times at work. So by the time it was time to fly, the pills had started kicking in giving a little boost to get the fuck out. So I did! 

Today, 4 months since our separation I am starting to see all the pieces of the girl I was, coming back together. I am letting the anger go little by little, I am loving myself again, I am loving life and smiling at strangers down the street again. Who knows, I may be healing enough to open up to love again. Yeah, you heard it right. While you ditched your broken trophy wife aside, there was a line of real men wanting to jump in and hold my hand. Even though one of your last words were, “you’re dying alone” because you tried convincing me that no one would ever want to be with me. Well no, as soon as you let me go my eyes started to shine again, my smile became real and it felt like I was floating in this magical world. I was free. This is your opportunity to judge, so go ahead. Tell people I cheated, since I probably am. You know, since we’re still legally married, although we never really were. But as he says, you were never ready to have a strong woman like me by your side. You needed a follower and submissive person that is OK with you feeding your ego with her soul. 

Today is not our wedding anniversary, today is my liberation. 

Today I acknowledge I am in deep pain, I have open wounds that will take years to heal and that I will carry with me beautiful scars from the battle you and I fought. Today I proudly acknowledge that I am an Emotional, Mental, Physical and Narcissistic Abuse Survivor. I acknowledge that abuse does not discriminate against race, social or economical boundaries. 

Today I can say I accept that you weren’t ready for marriage. I accept that you, just as most people, have underlying issues that need to be worked out before you are ready to give yourself as a supporting husband or even partner to someone else. I also accept that maybe you will never accept that is the case as under your eyes, it would destroy your ego. Today I accept that blood is in fact thicker than water, and that your family had a duty to provide you their unconditional support. Although I accept all these, I am also aware that the damage was not only caused by you, but also by your flying monkeys as they supported and joined in your game.

Today I understand I was brought through this path in my life for a reason bigger than me. That although I don't fully understand what my duty will be, I know there is something waiting ahead that requires me to have experienced what I did with you. I understand that life and God have their ways of testing us, and that even though this past year may seem like hell, I will at some point look back proudly and see how much I have grown and overcome.

Today I decide to let myself free from you. 

To be continued… 

[purplesurveys]

1030

1. What did you do on the last nice weather day? I’m guessing ‘nice’ here universally means sunny and fair, even though that isn’t my weather of choice. But that said, yesterday I just stayed indoors and caught up on rest by binge-watching Friends, which I haven’t done in a while. I also ordered another embroidery kit online since my first kit, which I had mostly used as a trial since I’ve never done one before, has since run out of the given floss.

2. What do you love the most about your work? I work in an agency, so I’m not forced to do PR under just one company which I think would get boring for me pretty quickly. With the nature of my work, it’s fun working with many different brands/companies at one time because I get to be exposed to and learn about different industries, and I’m also challenged to come up with campaigns that would best fit the different groups that we work with which is always fun. Also, PR is a great way to keep up with the trends and always remain hip because I always know about upcoming campaigns or promos before they’re even unveiled to the public, lol.

3. What do you think about what is going on in the world today? I think wealthy people and big corporations are a crucial, if not the main, root of the world’s problems and it’s frustrating that the task of mitigating those issues is always delegated to everyone below them.

4. What is your favorite way to work out? By not doing so, hahaha.

5. What motivates you? I don’t know if anything has been lately. I’ve been taking life slowly and easily these days and I’m allowing myself to just go through the motions as I digest all these big adjustments currently going on in my life. For now I’m not putting any pressure on myself to be motivated to do anything big. I’m still a little overwhelmed with everything as it is.

...where’s #6?

7. What is something people do that drives you crazy? When people need something from you so they message you, but do unnecessary small talk before asking for a favor. The fact that they need my help does not bother me; the fact that they are only talking to me because they need something from me does not bother me. It’s the small talk that irks me. I’ll be ready to help anybody at any time and it doesn’t matter how long it’s been since we’ve spoken – but just go ahead and ask for the damn thing and don’t waste my time trying to sound like you care about what’s going on in my life.

8. What are some things on your bucket list? Go to Wrestlemania, travel with my own funds, have my own place, have kids.

9. What are some of your deal breakers in a relationship? Do I even have any? Gab dropped so many red flags in our relationship that should have been dealbreakers and my dumb, ever-forgiving ass always saw past them. I think the thing with me is that I think I have a list of dealbreakers, but when actually confronted with them I’m too afraid to speak out about it, so I just forgive and forget and eventually they just stop being dealbreakers. I have to work on that.

10. What do you never leave your house without? My top three are phone, keys, wallet. And of course, as a given – a face mask and face shield.

11. What was your most memorable vacation? Sagada and Singapore/Malaysia, since that was my first trip abroad.

12. Do you have any phobias? Needles and fire.

13. What is your favorite ethnic food? Indian, Thai, Indonesian, and Korean. 14. I love Italian/Thai etc. Would you like to go to my favorite place sometime? I love both, though I like Thai a tad bit more. And yessss, I’m always open to anyone’s recommendations so long as it’s got something to do with food.

15. What TV shows have you binged lately? I’ve been rewatching Friends again and I’m in between seasons 5–7, which I believe to be the show’s peak. Currently, I’m several episodes away from the Ross/Elizabeth storyline and Chandler’s proposal.

16. Send me a funny meme that you shared recently. I haven’t been active on social media, so I haven’t seen any new memes lately. I hate missing out.

17. What do you hate about technology? This is more nitpickiness on my end than anything else, but battery power. I hate being constantly cautious over my gadget running out of power or dying on me especially when I’m out. I often find myself wishing for technology to evolve to the point that we won’t need batteries or to charge stuff anymore, which idek if it’s even possible haha.

18. What sites do you find yourself visiting the most? YouTube, by a mile.

19. Do you have any favorite apps? Again, YouTube. I also like going through Reddit at the end of the day.

20. What is the best part of your day? Any point I don’t find myself feeling miserable.

21. What time period would you like to visit the most, if you could time travel? 70′s punk/rock scene, maybe? < Ooh, this is a good one. Also, late 90s Attitude Era-era WWF/E. And whenever Pompeii was around.

22. What scents do you really enjoy? (a certain flower, cut grass, fireplace, perfume) Bakeries, a newly-cleaned hotel room, coffee shops.

23. What is something that you are terrible at? Giving and following directions, drawing, and cooking.

24. What are some favorites on your playlist right now? Because I mentioned The Japanese House on a survey last night, I am ALL over Saw You In A Dream again. Seriously, god-tier. One of my favorites ever. Outside of that, haven’t been listening to music lately because I’m still sad; but I might find myself back on Spotify soon. As much as I haven’t been tuning into music, I do miss it.

25. What comedy movie is your favorite? Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Also, a bit of a garbage choice but White Chicks.

26. Have you ever meditated? No. I don’t think I have the patience/required attention span for it.

27. What is your dream job? I wanted to be in PR. I currently work at an agency which is my dream for now so yay for me achieving that, but like I’ve said before it would be such a dream come true if I can come work for WWE, my dream company, in any capacity. Getting to work for their in-house PR team would be the perfect icing on the cake.

28. What comes to mind when you think of a great moment in your life? Being in a relationship, and how much I miss that feeling. Now that I’ve experienced both singlehood and having an SO, I can definitely decide that I don’t particularly enjoy being by myself.

29. What do you miss the most about college? The independence I learned to gain. My campus was such a freeing environment and it allowed me to grow so much, to wear whatever I want, to join whatever protest or rally was going on, to meet new people, to hear different perspectives from my classmates. I miss being there.

30. Whenever you text it makes me smile! ???

31. What are you planning this weekend? My weekend is nearly over, actually...for the remaining 10 hours and 20 minutes of it, I willllll probably just watch a bunch of wrestling and maybe find something to watch on Netflix just so that I have something interesting to share for the weekly check-in tomorrow with the team.

32. Who is your favorite band? Paramore, but you knew that already.

33. How do you like to spend your free time? If I manage to find a few free minutes while at work, I gobble that shit up by lying in bed and finding a video to watch. On weekends I like doing embroidery, taking surveys, maybe even find a black hole of articles to read on Wikipedia. I’m also looking forward to playing video games once I’ve finally bought the ones I’ve been eyeing to get.

34. What do you like about springtime? I don’t know. I can’t relate, we don’t have that season.

35. Is your personality similar to anyone in your family? I’m most similar with my mom, but I share traits with my dad as well.

36. How have you handled having to stay in? It was sucky at first, but after eight months you kinda get used to it and just make the most out of things you can do only at home.

37. Are you able to work at home? Yeah, we’re all on a WFH set-up right now.

38. How would your friends describe you? The most popular opinion would probably be ‘shy.’

39. Did you ever take a really big risk? Sure.

40. What do you want to be known or remembered for? Anything but negatively.

[prorevenge]

You wanna take credit for my work? You wanna tell me you hope my family dies? Want to try to fight me for winning-out against your bullshit? Ok how's losing your ability to work in this city and a few years in jail as well as public humiliation?

We have to get a few details about me out of the way:

Backstory TLDR: Do not fuck with me. I'm blunt and stubborn. Also I'm better at my job than you will ever be so just get over that now. Also I hate my career field. I work in tech but I'm not going to be more specific than that.

A note on the stubborn-ness: I am the most stubborn, and blunt (rude if you push me) person you will ever meet. I expect everyone (Doubly so for management) to do the right thing even when no one is looking. One of the things I have learned is that narcissists and sociopaths cannot fucking stand me. They will actively melt down if they work with people like myself. Those people thrive when people have to 'be nice.' The exception to my stubborn bluntness? If you work under me. I help everyone working under me with everything they need 100% of the time and am super friendly unless they give me a reason not to be. I treat people under me (in terms of technical position and in the companies hierarchy) like royalty and the people beside and above me like "You should be at least as competent as myself, no excuses."

Example: If you lie about me/to me? Well I had better be getting an open, and public apology (to the people who you lied to) with admission of guilt or I'm going to make you fucking regret it. Best not be treating anyone else below you bad either. Lots of managers have a problem with this for some reason. Don't want this to happen? Don't lie.

Now with that said I have a constant wave of job opportunities. Every company I've ever worked for (including the one that fired me) begging to have me back at a higher pay rate than what I made when I worked there. Actually about 25% more than the highest pay in the country I live in. So I'm not in any position to care if someone is going to fire me.

Now thats out of the way, at my current job I've worked here for about 2.5 years. I took this job because it was going to allow me to have the time off I wanted: About 35 days of PTO, and 10 weeks (first 2 unpaid) of vacation time. Its a long story but basically I need the time off. I was hired in at about 50% of the standard rate of pay for this reason. Contractually I can take this time off any time I want. I could, if I so desired, leave work mid day and go on vacation.

When I first started the company laid off every other "IT Guy" after about a year aside from two. Those guys are mostly there to cover me leaving suddenly and if someone needs to pull something while I work on something else.

My previous manager actually recommended me to manage the department but I didn't want to take it so the company gave me an open door to take said position any time I wanted and they would just demote anyone in said position. This is where Sociopath comes in: To manage.

First day he pulls us all (My team + one more) into a meeting and talks about how hes a 'nice guy' but is going to drive us to work extra hard. This is where the first altercation occurs "Yeah how is that the case? [Other team] is purely reactionary and our team has literally no issues inside the company and 100% of our work is completed at nearly 3 times the rate of any other business in the area?" "We will hold questions for private meetings." "Ok fair enough."

He pulls me in and the first thing out of his mouth is to yell at me: "I never want you to question me ever again!" I was honestly stunned. "Excuse me?" "You will do what I say when I say! NOW GET OUT!"

He wraps up the 'meeting' by saying "I'm really glad to have gotten this job because I cannot leave this town due to the fact that I am obligated to watch my kids half of the year. So I can't wait to get to know all of you!"

I immediately went to HR as soon at the meeting was over and explained the situation. Thing is HR is the guy who hired me, and we like each other a lot. He tells me "Ok, well, unfortunately it would be against company policy to fire him this quickly. Also I have to take his side of the story first."

He didn't 'yell' at me after I went and spoke to HR but called me in and said "Listen, they are telling me to apologize to you and thats just not going to happen. I'm your boss its my right to treat you how I see fit. I didn't realize you were a rat, but now that I know that I'm afraid that I am going to be extra hard on you. Better do what I say or its your job!"

I replied "Its not your job to yell at people and maybe you should understand that. If you were half as competent as you want to seem I don't think you would ever have a reason to yell at anyone. Also if reporting behavior that is against company policy makes me a rat, then being a rat must be a good thing." He just yelled "GET THE FUCK OUT!" and pointed at the door. I replied "I'm afraid I'm going to have to go to HR again about your behavior if you don't apologize now." Which I did.

The issue? Well I live in a one party state for recording conversations. So I recorded said conversation.

Three weeks later and HR has decided to keep him on because we are still way ahead of everyone in terms of metrics. Since then my team and the other team has gone from loving their job to hating it. Everyone is reporting to me that he is screaming at them constantly but only in private. He doesn't even speak to me. The way he is treating the guys under me is what was really getting to me. They are HIS EMPLOYEES. He SHOULD NOT be treating them this way. I hate to use a quote from the office here but Micheal Scott is 100% correct: "A manager is not here to hire and fire, but to lead and inspire."

Now we are supposed to have certain metrics passed down to us by management but he has 'decided against that' to 'keep morale up.' However I knew what he was up to. So I went to my friend in HR and didn't tell him that he wasn't sending me the metrics (which he is required to do as per company policy) and had him send me a copy of everyone's metrics early "but keep it on the down low!"So he did.

For several months I told my team and the people under me "Just hold out on quitting he won't be here for long, trust me."

Slowly things between myself and him escalate. I make decisions that he doesn't like because "You didn't run that past me first." In reference to my vacations and days off. Contractually I don't have to do this and to be blunt I cant fucking stand him so hes just SOL when it comes to me not being there. This leads to several times of him trying to scream at me while I sat there and was 100% calm and patient but blunt and moving in my position that I can take leave when ever I want contractually and he is just going to have to get over that.

One of the things I specifically remember him yelling at me the last time: "You will do whatever I tell you when ever I tell you. If I throw a ball and say fetch you will fucking retrieve it. Do you understand?"

At this point I lost my patients and said "Are you done yet? Ok great you are going to listen to me now! You are hands down the worst manager I have ever worked under. You are unproductive, and the least competent. The other two guys metrics have been falling since you have been hired..."

Him: "Because your dumbass never listens to me. You are the problem here not me get out NNNNNNOOOOOOWWWW!"

Me: "Are you done? Because I think you are going to want to hear what I have to tell you! Your absolute childish behavior is unacceptable and I don't think that your supervisors or HR are going to appreciate how you have treated myself or this..."

At this point he gets up, grabs the chair in which I'm sitting, and literally rolls it towards his door screaming "I DON'T HAVE TO FUCKING LISTEN TO A DIP SHIT LIKE YOU! I'M THE BOSS DO WHAT YOU ARE TOLD!"

I replied: "I hope you know this can be considered assault and battery."

Him: "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" and he promptly rolls me out of the office.

Now here is the thing: Before that meeting I said I wanted an HR rep to sit out side of the office and listen in. They said they couldn't do that but would place one in the meeting. He was late. He over heard he last SHUT THE FUCK UP! Just as he rolls me out into the hall. He then proceeded to look up, see HR and start sweating bullets.

Him:"Oh...huhuh, I was... we were just joking around."

Looking up at him: "No we weren't. He was just screaming at me and insulting me for no apparent reason."

He looks down at me hard and says: "This team always jokes around! I mean it was just a joke!"

I then pull out a small recorder and looked at HR and said "Well given that you missed the meeting I think you should just review it here on this tape as this is "just a joke" apparently performance reviews are 'just a joke' around here now."

HR insists we go over the performance review. He pulls his copy out and begins going over the metrics on it talking about how bad of an employee I am. As soon as he finishes I look at the sheet of paper he is going over I pull the metrics that my buddy in HR sent me. "No...No I'm afraid this is all wrong."

He looks at me "I...I'm sorry."

Me: "Oh yeah, [buddy in HR] sent me my metrics independent of what you sent me. In fact, and I can't believe you didn't know this, all of the metrics are review-able by any employee at any time if they make an inquiry. Actually you have failed to send us any metrics at all as is your job to do weekly."

The HR rep then looks at me "Is that all?"

Me: "Yes."

HR Rep: "Ok I think we are done here."

He requests that I stay, I look at him and reply: "No, I'm afraid I'm done listening to anything you have to tell me. Afraid I have an appointment to review your behavior with HR."

So HR and myself review the tape and their jaws are on the floor. HR Buddy apologizes to me. They ask me what I think should happen as I was the one who was originally up for promotion. I explain that he should not only have to write a letter apologizing for his behavior in email form, but also apologize to all the teams under him in person at one time. Just after they send an email to him I drop by his office and say "Hey man, don't worry. I didn't let them review that tape."

He sends an apology letter and tells me that "You are on my good side now!"

A few moments later HR comes down and tells him that its not enough and to have all the teams gather in front of him. In the mean time I rig up the conference room to have a typed letter of all the times he has yelled at every single person which took me all night to do.

He comes in and makes some bullshit apology thats a non apology "I'm sorry I was so hard on you guys. I just know your potential and...."

I cut him off (HR isn't in the room) "Excuse me? Thats not good enough! I'm afraid you are going to need to apologize for your actual behavior and not give an apology that sounds like "I'm sorry I was trying to help you and you didn't like it." No, I'm afraid you are going to need to actually apologize and admit to wrong doing and tell the actual truth!"

At which point he visibly starts to get angry "I...I AM APOLOGIZING!"

Me: "Ok go on"

Him: [More non apology with him being obviously fake upset.]

I press play on the slide show. "Ok since you didn't get the message the first time we are going to go through these individually. On December 11 2001 you screamed at Robert Robbington where in you failed to give him a review and simply called him a dumbass." I continue: "You need to repeat these words exactly if you want to keep your job: "Dear Mr. Rob, I apologize for being overtly hostile and rude. I apologize for failing at my responsibilities as a manager to both you and the team. I understand I have a problem with anger and am willing to seek help with my clear lack of empathy for other people. As such I will be signing a document admitting fault, under the circumstances that I ever hit you again I want everyone to know that I would be 100% at fault and you would not be, and proof of my misbehavior towards you as proof of my honesty in apologizing two witnesses will be signing this document."

As soon as I finish speaking he stands there and starts turning angrily red and says "MrBurington, we need to speak alone. NOW!"

I reply "No, I'm afraid we don't. If you do not wish to apologize to Robert Robbington then you can apologize to me for this!"

At which point I play the audio of him talking to me "I really hope your [family member] dies. I mean really. I'm your boss and this is your job and you care about [family member]? You think I give a fuck about them or you? You could die for all I fucking care. When [family] dies if you mourn I'll be mocking you. I just want you to know that. Now fuck off." (You see after that little incident I couldn't have given a fuck if I did get fired I just wanted to ruin this guys life.)

He immediately starts howling at me that I 'edited' the audio and runs to get HR. Shortly there after HR comes back and the entire room denies that any of this happened. We all instead go through with a plan I had from the beginning: I was going to expose him for the POS he was/is IF he does not honestly apologize and admit to actual wrong doing.

HR then tells him hes fired. He storms off.

Now this is where the hard core revenge part comes in. I used to work for every single IT Company in this town, or have connections to them somehow. Hell I trained at least half of the management at the last company I worked for. My words have weight. So I make calls to all of the places I have ins at which is literally everywhere in town telling them to black list this guy. However at two companies I request that if he applies I would like to show up and help them interview him. He applied to both jobs and I was sitting there in the meeting room "Oh hey! Just wanted you to know that I knew Mr. Meet for years." Middle of the interview I bring up his behavior with the audio from him telling me that he hopes my family member dies.

I then tell my ex-manager: "Also just note, you may want to write this down, all the tech jobs in our area will have a copy of this audio. So you can go ahead and explain to them why you told me this and they can relay that to me."

As soon as we get out into the parking lot he swings on me and starts screaming "I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU. FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU." I run back into the building and security detains him and calls the police (My buddy recorded this on his phone, as well as obtained a copy of the video from security)

After a quick court case and going to jail he shows up at my house with a knife screaming "I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU! RUIN MY CAREER JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE A BITCH." (I think he had the address from working at the company with me)

I called the police, got my gun, and explained the situation while I waited on the cops to show up. He proceeded to be detained and got sentenced to a 2 year stent in prison.

When you get out I hope you read this you see this you stupid fuck.

(source) story by (/u/MrBurington)

[theinfamousdoctorf]

So I’m finally back...

 Those few who know me personally will be aware that me and @theoverworldqueen have purchased a small rural house together. <3 It’s taken the better part of a year to make it happen and several months apart while I negotiated a transfer with my job and she logged work history in the place we were moving too for the mortgage requirements. [So we were apart for several more months then we‘d planned on. ;_: ]

 It took me almost two months to pack our household by myself, and several days to actually load the truck. The ‘friends’ who had promised to help us move faded away when they were actually needed, and I had to utilize some local kids who received cash and some friendly neighbors who were paid in furniture [that didn’t fit in the truck] and booze.

  When the day came to actually leave, I still had no volunteers to drive the truck because none of my friends could get time off work. [I had to drive my car with our eight cats inside.] The only people available to help were my parents.

The exact people I was moving to get the fuck away from.

 My mother refused to do any driving because the big truck was ‘too scary’. My pathetic excuse for a father, [from here on called jackass], would be doing all of the driving. Despite the fact that he’d just had several toes removed for diabetic reasons. My mother planned the route, later I realized she not only planned it with a paper atlas rather then choosing the fastest route via Google, [because she didn’t know how to use the app and wouldn’t ask for help] but also planned a very circuitous route in a vain attempt to avoid driving through any mountains. [Because they are also just too scary.]  So we start driving. A 26 foot Budget rental truck with a small horse trailer on it, and my car with me and the cats. Before we even got out of Texas, the horse trailer hit a bump and lost a wheel. It was then dragged about a mile while throwing an ocean of sparks where the metal edge was grinding against the asphalt. This was because it happened on a narrow highway with no breakdown lane. I barely managed to avoid getting hit with the wheel that flew off as well. We sat in a parking lot all night waiting for a tow driver who basically told us the king nut flew off and it was totaled. I had a partial mental breakdown and had to abandon most of the things I’d packed into the trailer. The truck was already stuffed up to the door and what little I saved was jammed in my car and thrown on top of everything else in the truck.   The cats were riding in a pair of pop-up zippered tents and were pretty mad by this point. My car stank of piss and fear pheromones.

 And then we drove, and drove and drove. Keep in mind that my destination was Washington state and I was coming from Galveston TX. It should have been a 2 and a half day drive with a stop to sleep each night. Around the third day I demanded to see the map and realized she had sent us across the widest part of Texas and New Mexico before turning north. There was a lot of arguing. Especially because I realized jackass was a terrible driver. So I had no choice but to watch helplessly as this colossal asshole drove a truck rented in my name, with nearly all my worldly goods inside, over every fucking curb, bumping it up and down and weaving all over the road. He hit a call box outside a Jack in the Box, he scraped a parked truck, he hit signs at more then one gas station and skirted far too close to the pumps with the back end of the truck. I went beyond the reasonable limits of human stress.

 The cats destroyed the zippers on the carriers and I was forced to just let them roam the car. First panting in the heat and then huddled freezing as we got further north. [I had them all in little safety vests and that kept them mostly calm, pro tip.]  On the fourth night jackass drove into a truck stop and then behind it. Up an unlit dirt road that said ‘dangerous blasting area authorized access only’. He then turned around several times and went back down to the truck stop where I blocked him with my car. He and my mother were having a screaming match because he wouldn’t explain what he was doing or why and wouldn’t stop doing donuts in the restricted area when she told him too.  I lost my shit. I screamed in his face and when he didn’t respond, I grabbed his horrible scraggy beard and then his throat and repeated myself. I took the keys and went to try and get some sleep in my car. [With so many animals in tow I couldn’t get a hotel room and really couldn’t leave the car unattended at all. So I hadn’t been able to properly shower in days. Plus I’d forgotten to bring a spare pair of shoes and my sandaled feet were red and freezing.]  The bastard has always tried to make my mother choose between me and him. He’s a psychotic manic depressive on a whole rainbow of medications. He’s a misogynist who really wanted a son, plus a racist and generally stingy and awful person. A running argument revolved around his insistence on cutting my lawn three times a week with the mower blade on the lowest setting so he was just killing anything green and kicking up dust. [My mother is pure enabler, always apologizing for his terrible behavior and gaslighting me like I’m over reacting.] He’s literally alienated so many people where I was living that I’ve lost out on jobs because he insists that I’m the terrible one and trash-talks me to everyone he meets.  So we finally get back on the road.

 In Wyoming I tried to get some sleep at a rest stop and someone hit my car and busted out a tail light. Several times we almost run out of gas because her planned route avoided any cities in case there was traffic. At this point I have a massive rash under my bra and just take it off.

 On the fifth night we arrive in a gas station in Idaho. I go to pee and come back outside to find jackass laying on the ground with three people hovering over him. I inform my mother that he fell and go back to my car. So emotionally dead at this point I don’t feel anything. 

 I am informed that jackass has broken his hip.

 I’ve spent most of my life praying for him to die, so that part doesn’t touch me. The part that ripped my heart out was that my mother told me that I’m now ‘on my own’. She is going to the hospital with him. She left me in a freezing parking lot with eight cats in a car and a giant moving truck with all my things in it.  Terrified and heartbroken I call my girlfriend Lie. She is eight hours away and leaving now to come rescue me. She’s bringing our friend Ashley as well. So I huddle in the car with the cats and try to sleep. After several hours I get a text from my mother telling me to bring her luggage and such to the hospital. At this point I’m furious. I tell her I will not do that. She says I will. I stop responding.  In the morning my rescuers arrive and we begin the long final limp over the mountains.  I get several more messages threatening me, trying to shame me for just ‘moving on without them’ and ‘not caring if your father dies’.  I was instructed to deal with my own problems like an adult. So that’s what I did. At that point the rental truck needed to be returned and I hadn’t even arrived yet. My job was waiting on me to show up the next day for orientation, and she’d basically wasted all the time I’d budgeted for unloading the truck. There was no way in hell I was going anywhere to give either of them anything.

 But we did finally get here. The Budget guy sent me his ex-wife who happily took some cash in exchange for unloading the truck with me, and we finally got rid of the thing. Unfortunately my car overheated from all the punishment it took and it’s currently non-functional. My job gave me a little extension so I’m using the time to get our household set up again.  My Etsy shop [https://www.etsy.com/shop/PatchworkLaboratory ] is still on vacation for the moment because the previous tenant didn’t like mail and just didn’t have a mailbox, but it should be up and running again soon. My other site is still good though if you’d like some funky cloth and want to throw a few dollars towards me fixing my car. [ https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/infamousdoctorf] I’ve got a paypal attached to nightshade518@yahoo.com as well. It’s going to be hard financially to keep all the bills paid, but I just couldn’t stand being near my abusive family anymore.

In conclusion. Take your giant cockroaches, fire ants, heat waves, and hurricanes; and go fuck yourself Galveston. Have fun with my awful relatives.

WA is home.

[mr-entj]

Can you talk about the quality(ies) or trait(s) that contributed most to your success? I read about your adversity and I want to know what is your personal mindset of getting through those challenges.

Combined with the following asks:

Hello, Mr. ENTJ. Have you ever been depressed? How did you manage to come out of the rut and find the will to live on? I realize that this is a personal question, and you don’t really have to answer but it’d help in understanding different paradigms and help someone who else who is struggling. Thank You

Related answers:

What do you think is required from a person to succeed ?

Dealing with failure and overcoming adversity

What are some of your top habits that have helped your success? What are some habits in your life you think you need to change?

Did the qualities you’ve mentioned (emotional self-regulation, mental fortitude) come naturally to you? Was it something you had to develop? How can I develop them? Thanks for dedicating your time to this blog. Helped a lot.

The answer is grit (resilience). I have an abundant supply of resilience that’s carried me through a childhood rife with crushing poverty, domestic abuse, physical danger, health crises (hip reconstruction, cancer), rejection, failure, and all the in-betweens that life threw at me to get to where I am today.

To develop and maintain grit, there are 3 core values carved into my soul:

1. “I am not a victim, I am my own hero.”

This stops spirals of self-pity and feelings of helplessness. This creates hope and courage. This reminds me that while I’ve been on the receiving end of some awful events (I mean, truly, ridiculous shit), I still have within me to change my circumstances– then I do it.

Poverty? I put myself through school (I paid 100% of my own tuition, no help from my parents– not a single penny– for undergraduate and graduate school), grinded through 6+ years of studies to graduate from 2 elite universities at the top of my class, hustled through my career, and now I’m wealthy. My parents never have to worry about money again, ever, my wife is taken care of, my daughter is spoiled rotten, my vacations are booked, my bank account is fat, my stock portfolio is cruising, and my career is skyrocketing. I have clothes on my back, a roof over my head, food in my stomach, and a smile on my face.

Physical danger? I fulfilled a lifelong dream to move my family out of the ghetto, buy our parents a home a few years back, and they now live in an affluent neighborhood within a gated community.

Health crisis? I saw the best physicians available, ate healthy, exercised, and continue to take care of my health to the best of my ability. I’ve recovered, I’m well, I’m healthy, I’m cancer free, I’m pain free.

There are many things in life that are unfair and out of your control; but how you prepare for the worst, plan for the best, and respond to those circumstances are in your power. That’s where you need to step up and shine. There will be amazing people along this journey that will help by providing advice, encouragement, and support but at the end of the day they have their own lives to live, their own problems to solve, and their own mountains to climb so you must always be your own advocate. You can’t hitch a ride on their wagon because they’re not going where you’re going. This is your ship and you are the captain, it’s your responsibility to steer it in the right direction so master the things within your control.

2. “Tomorrow will be better.”

This helps with impatience when progress is slow and fights off doubts and despair when changes don’t come as quickly as I want. This creates discipline and consistency. I always tell my wife, the INTJ, after every setback that “I feel like something good is waiting for me around the corner. I don’t know what it is, how it’ll come, or when it’ll come, but I feel it.” And it inevitably does as long as I show up, give 100%, and keep working towards my goals.

“Tomorrow will be better” helps me take things step by step because I have the tendency to look a hundred miles down the road and cringe at the distance still left to travel. I’ve repeated this over and over again, through my crap retail job at Target, through being a janitor scrubbing toilets in the mall, through my long hours cramming for the MCAT, through high stress in my consulting job, and so on and so forth. 1 day becomes 1 week, 1 week becomes 1 month, 1 month becomes 1 year, 1 year becomes 10 years, and suddenly we’re in 2019 and I’ve graduated from my dream schools, I work in my dream job, I’m married to my dream girl, I drive my dream car, and I’ve traveled to destinations around the world I used to only dream about.

Confucius wasn’t playing around when he said “a journey of a 1000 miles begins with a single step.” It won’t be an overnight thing. If your goal is to lose weight, then you’re not going to do 100 push-ups today and get a six-pack tomorrow. If your goal is to raise your grades, then you’re not going to read a chapter and magically get a 4.0 GPA tomorrow. I didn’t snap my fingers one day and suddenly my dream life appeared at my doorstep the next morning. That’s not how it works. However, if today is better than yesterday, and tomorrow is better than today, then those wins will add up over time until you finally get to where you’re going.

3. “You’re going to have to kill me to stop me.”

This is not an exaggeration, this is a fact. This creates tenacity and stamina. You may be smarter than me, you may be taller than me, you may be richer than me, you may be more handsome than me, you may be better than me in every facet but you are not going to outwork, outhustle, or outlast me. Period.

Learn to fight like hell.

This is a mentality I take towards every goal I’ve set because it keeps me alert, prepared, and responsive to seize opportunities as soon as they pop up. I always tell people around me whenever we’re working on their goals to “be ready” because if you’re ready, then you don’t need to waste time getting ready. Opportunities in life fly by in a blink of an eye like a job posting that opens and closes because you didn’t have a resume prepared, a scholarship perfectly matched for your background that got away because your grades weren’t high enough, or the love of your life that gets away because you weren’t available when you two crossed paths. Be ready and stay ready so when the opportunities present themselves you can immediately seize them.

I achieve this by being in constant motion in my life; I am reading, I am exercising, I am traveling, I am working, I am mentoring, I am meeting new people, I am growing relationships with the people I already know, I am perfecting my craft, I am expanding my network, I am learning a new skill, I am building my knowledge, I am recharging, I am reflecting on my life, priorities, mistakes, and next steps– I am improving every single day and I don’t stop. I stay insanely busy, which you might’ve noticed if it’s taken me 6 years to respond to your ask or Tumblr message (my bad), with meaningful things that add to my life. I move with purpose, I work like I’m possessed.

The United States Armed Forces has a saying:

“Everyone wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.”

There are many people in this world who fall short of their full potential because they aren’t willing to work or fight for what they want. They hit a little speed bump, lose heart, and give up, but with a little digging it becomes obvious they didn’t try hard enough to push through the barriers. I worked 3 jobs from 3AM to 8AM and 12PM to 10PM while taking classes to pay tuition and rent, I scrubbed toilets, I bussed tables, I lived on packets of ramen for weeks because that was the only food I could afford, I studied by flashlight, I slept in my car, I walked to work in the rain when I couldn’t afford gas, I studied from outdated textbooks in the library because I didn’t have the money to buy or rent new ones, I attended every career recruiting event, I showed up at office hours to every class I struggled in, I chased every tutoring session until I understood the subject matter, and I was always the first one in and last one out of the classroom or the office wherever I was. I always fought for it. I exhausted every option so that even if I failed, I could sleep peacefully knowing I had done everything in my power to succeed, I had closure that I did my absolute best.

And that’s how I did it.

That’s how a scrappy kid born in poverty in the slums of a third world Southeast Asian country, raised in an unstable home, and burdened with too many challenges to list, became educated, graduated, elevated, and gainfully compensated. To not only survive in life, but to thrive.

[edifactory]

How Pandemic Isolation is Like Missionary Life

For the first time since we’ve been overseas, friends and family from the US are as desperate as I am to connect online. As I’ve been talking with people in the US, I’ve realized that there are actually a lot of things about the coronavirus isolation that mirror our missionary experience. Here are seven ways the pandemic isolation is like missionary life:

1.      Nothing Feels Normal

The first thing we noticed coming overseas (and every time since then) was that nothing had a rhythm to it. When everything is suddenly different there isn’t any pattern to fall back on. As schools and businesses have shut down in the US and families try to homeschool and work from home, so much is changing that there is no “normal” to fall back on. Every day takes intentionality because every day is a new situation, even though it’s the same situation as the day before. We’ve been told it takes about 18 months to fully transition into a new culture. With all the changes within the American home right now, it’s like a new culture! I’m sure no one wants to wait 18 months for life to feel normal again, but give yourself some grace! This kind of change is never easy and doesn’t happen quickly. It’s more likely for you to continue to feel out of joint than it is for you to feel settled. Expecting rhythm to come often leaves us discouraged.

2.      Home is the Primary Contact

In moving to a new country, initially those in your home are your primary (or only) source of contact. With the isolation brought on by this pandemic, the only people you can be physically close to are the people that are living under the same roof as you. The American culture isn’t usually this family focused. Americans often find a lot of connection outside of their family unit, but now the rules have changed. Not being able to get out and “go” is very counter-cultural. This isolation is redefining family time, hopefully in positive ways, but it’s hard too. Close quarters with family is different than close quarters with friends. Most of us chose our friends and find them pretty easy to get along with. 

Our family is not chosen and often contains personalities that are much better at shaping each other (as iron sharpens iron) than easily complementing each other.

These kinds of situations, however, can press us to be more self-reflective and force us to be more forgiving and gracious. These times can be where we see God at work in the toughest places. If the Gospel isn’t reaching into our own homes, we are missing something. That doesn’t mean we should expect Christ-like behavior in all circumstances. It’s just the opposite, actually. As we rub up against one another, we see places in ourselves where we haven’t been allowing the Gospel seed to grow. Maybe we see our own weaknesses and vulnerabilities in a new light. Maybe we surrender areas of our lives to Christ that we previously felt we were handling just fine on our own. Being forced to make your family your primary source of contact forces you to be either reflective or reactive. If you choose reactive only, you won’t last long. At some point you start saying, “Okay, look. We have to make this work so let’s talk about what needs to change.”

3.      Virtual Friends and Family

Thanks to technology, friends and family outside of the home can be “seen” online. This is a mixed blessing. It is so nice to see them, but it also punctuates the separation from them. It reminds you that they are not in your world, not truly accessible, not able to be hugged. It seems ironic, but sometimes seeing people online actually makes you more homesick. We enjoy it while it lasts, but once we hang up reality hits harder than ever. You are alone. They still love you but they are not here.  And with the current coronavirus situation, you don’t even really know when you’ll see them again.

4.      Learning New Cultural Norms

When you leave your home to get needed supplies, you must adopt new cultural norms. When we moved overseas we had to learn to walk (and drive) on the left instead of the right, something that I always do wrong again when I return to the U.S.! Staying six feet away from everyone else does not feel normal. It feels awkward and it requires constant thought. 

The rules have changed and you are forced to change with them. Learning to rewire habits is exhausting!

5.      Feeling Isolated

Besides the virtual connection to family and friends, life itself is isolated. When you are confined to your home it’s a lot like being in a new location. How do you decide what needs to be done? How do you balance time on media “connecting” with others to time doing work? How much do you work and how much do you create downtime with your family? How much do you allow your kids to disappear into media? How do you create structure through self-motivation? You’ve always had a list of “to do” items for the house. Are they priorities now or is time with family the priority since everyone feels so out of sorts? How do you balance those things?

Isolation isn’t a vacation for most of us. There are things to do. Figuring out how to handle the precious commodity of time is actually a task. 

And trying to help those in our care cope is equally daunting. Children process isolation differently than adults. They don’t have the same concept of time. Juggling your own cares while trying to support others is no easy task.

6.      Dining In

A change in country means a change in food. Often your favorite restaurants are nowhere to be found. We don’t have access to any restaurants in our overseas community which means making all of our meals every day. When we are home on furlough, eating out is one of our favorite things to do.

For those of us who haven’t had a lot of experience cooking, this new skill acquisition can create a lot of stress! We make pretty much everything from scratch here. I did not cook that way prior to coming so I had a lot to learn. After we’d been here for a few years, my daughter said to me, “Mom, where did you learn how to make such yummy pizza?” (It tastes different here because I make it all from scratch: the dough, the pizza sauce from fresh tomatoes, seasoning in the sausage, etc.) I answered her, “Here. I learned to make pizza here.” I truly would have no clue how to make pizza if we hadn’t come overseas. 

I didn’t have “cooking from scratch” on my bucket list but it’s something life has required. 

As you try new recipes during this isolation (maybe even just cooking consistently for the first time) and work with limited ingredients, you may be feeling that you “didn’t sign up for this.”

Losing access to dining at restaurants isn’t just about convenience. Restaurants also represent social connection and certain foods create a lot of comfort. Restaurants are also a part of the normal rhythm of life. Sometimes cooking dinner just feels like one more reminder of how much has changed.

7.      Insecurity and Fear

Our missionary journey has always carried a lot of unknowns in the area of security. Life in America is fairly stable. If you lose a job, you probably have unemployment. If you are sick you probably can go to a medical clinic. If you need food, you probably can go to a grocery store. We live in a remote location. Our income is based on the generous giving of supporters and often fluctuates. Our medical services are very limited compared to US standards. Our resources (food and supplies) are shipped in and often delayed. Life is very unpredictable. We often have to do without.

With the shutdown of so many businesses in the U.S., many are without jobs. I’m sure many of us are wondering how the economy will rebound, how unemployment can cover the millions who are without work. We don’t know how long grocery stores will stay open or if the items we need will even be on the shelves. We don’t know that there will be space at the hospital if we need services. Everything is very unsettling in the current situation.

Fear can dig its claws in deep when there are so many unknowns. Security is something we value as Americans. It has been taken from us. But maybe it was never really there to begin with. Maybe we were always vulnerable to this kind of a threat; we just didn’t know it.

Our hope has to be in the goodness and sovereignty of God. He is not surprised by all of this. He is still in control. If any of our fears become realities, it will be because He allowed it. He will be in it with us. We are not alone.

Although there are many ways that missionary life and coronavirus isolation are similar, there is one key way in which they are different: those of you in the U.S. did not choose this experience. 

You did not train for it. You did not plan or prepare for it. There is no sense of adventure in it. It was thrust upon you.

Knowing God moved us to our overseas location is a source of comfort. When we face difficult things, we know He is with us in them. The same is true for you. He has moved you to this place. You didn’t have to do anything. In fact, you didn’t even have a choice to make, but that doesn’t change the fact that this is where He has you now. At this time, at this place, you are where He wants you. And He is with you.  

The fact that you did not choose this experience, is perhaps what makes it so hard. When you choose to go to a different country you know things will be different. When your own world suddenly changes, loss and grief run deep. You had no time to plan or say good-bye. You simply had to accept reality as it was placed upon you. 

So much of our lives are really not in our control. We think we have control, that we make our own destiny, but this pandemic is reminding us just how vulnerable we truly are.

I am praying for those of you in the US, for the sudden changes, for the losses of security and contact with others. I am praying especially for those who are alone in their homes. May God’s presence be real. May God’s people find fellowship (even if only virtually). May we all learn to trust Him more as we see our own vulnerability.

May this be a time of counting what matters most, of reflecting on God’s Sovereignty. God is still in control. The vast majority of us will survive this pandemic. What is it that God will teach us through this? How will we grow closer to Him? Trust Him more? How will we support one another? How is God at work in your own life and in your family? Who in your life needs a virtual touch from you to keep going?  

We were made to live in community. I think we all feel that now more than ever.

-Cathy Lindley

[lordjohntheshow]

John Grey and his boyfriend Stephan Namzten have a great life (and now three dogs) and are considering taking the next big step: marriage and children. Complications arise. This is a Modern AU set in 2019. 

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 

VANITY FAIR, November 2017

A FAMILY AFFAIR

An excerpt from the actor’s forthcoming memoir WILD NIGHTS chronicling his early years growing up to his days as a struggling actor. In anticipation of the Royal Wedding enjoy his take on a wedding among Britain’s upper crust.

By: Percy Wainwright

Imagine my surprise when my stepfather George invited me to his third wedding, in London. He wanted me there with him as he took on his new life and invited me out for the “whole season”. I took one look around my tiny, non air conditioned studio apartment in the Valley and knew I had no other choice. Within 24 hours I was touching down in Heathrow. I wondered a little about why George invited me, but in a small way it made sense: he had no real family himself and didn’t want to feel left out. He let me have the use of his apartment- or “flat” as I learned to call it, having already moved in with his bride to be.

 I then did what any self-respecting 22 year old with a large, empty apartment, an allowance, and too much free time would do. I went clubbing. That’s how I first met Kay*. It was sometime past midnight, and the DJ was trying out some experimental trance pop. I saw him before he saw me. He was small, but he didn’t have that obnoxious edge some short men get. Cute blonde hair a shade most boys grow out of. Muscular, but the white shirt and jeans he wore showed he didn’t really care about his appearance. He glided through the crowd, disappearing in the back room for a moment. I lost track of him until I saw him cut through the dance floor to leave. On a whim, I grabbed his hand and kissed it. He looked up at me and laughed, crinkling a pair of baby blues that would have made Paul Newman jealous. I pulled him to me, like he was water in the desert. The music was too loud to have a coherent conversation, but neither of us wanted one. 

After three or so songs (who can really tell with electronica?) he was pressing me up against the wall outside the bathroom, kissing my lips, my neck, as if he wanted to swallow me whole. In fifteen or so minutes we were in my flat and I was flat on my back. When I woke up the next morning alone in that big bed, I actually laughed- I’m usually the one that leaves them high and dry.

I still went clubbing, but I didn’t see my blonde boy again. Four weeks before the wedding George invited me out to a dinner with the family. “They’re gentry, you know. You don’t have to bow or anything, but do you know the proper forms of address?” He’d asked me nervously, in the taxi on the way over. “Um.. milord and milady?” I’d said, trying to remember what I’d learned from my days of getting high and watching Downton Abbey. He sighed. “They’ll just think you’re an uncouth American, it will be fine.” He’d huffed in reply. It was cute, to see him so nervous to make a good impression.

How to describe the family. Everyone looked like one of those paparazzi pictures of the royal family on their time off: trying to look normal in jeans and a sweater but the outfit still cost 700 pounds. I suppose I’m not one to talk though, my style’s always been very Gucci via Goodwill.

My new stepmother’s flat also had that rich, lived in feel. There was a couch from 1972 next to what I’m fairly sure was a pair of original Chippendale settee chairs. Every flat surface or shelf was covered by books: leather bound ones in the library and slick, glossy ones in all of the real living areas. Yes, you read that right: this was an apartment. With a library.

We all sat down to drinks in the living room. I chose one of the Chippendales, of course. An actual butler took my drink order. Once everyone was arrayed and properly lubricated, the true conversation began. The son who was obviously serving as Head of the Family grilled me and George about our jobs, hobbies, acquaintances, and was probably about to start on what petty misdemeanors we’d committed when his wife patted his arm and started a real conversation instead of a background check. It was boring, but I was surprised to find I was enjoying myself. Mostly I was enjoying what I am dead certain were a pair of original Degas’ ballerina studies.

Nearly an hour in I was shocked out of my art appreciation when my own tiny dancer walked in. He was out of breath, dressed for work (a boring navy suit, so a professional of some type, I noted), and apologizing profusely, to his mother, his soon to be stepfather, his annoyed brother, and then his gaze fell on me. I’ll say this about him: I’d never want to play poker against him. There’s not a man alive better at controlling his face. For a moment I was certain he didn’t remember me (I mean, I was in a clean cut Oxford, not the neon green mesh tank he’d last seen me in.)

“Hello. You must be Percy. I’m Kay.” He said, warmly, holding out his hand for me to shake. The look he gave me, and only me, had so much heat I thought I was back in L.A.

He sat across from me when we moved to dinner, and chatted politely. I was annoyed to find someone so handsome was also smart, and funny, and kind, especially to his mother and my stepfather. Yet, when he raised his brows to me at the end of dinner- a challenge, and invitation- I was all mush.

The next four weeks went by quickly- too quickly. All the pomp and nonsense of what American hetero weddings have become pales in comparison to An English Society Wedding. There were morning suit fittings, tux fittings, and even normal suit fittings, to make sure I wouldn’t be looked at some poor American cousin. Forget a bridal shower at some swanky country club. There were at least three engagement parties, a trip to the Queen Anne Enclosure of the Royal Ascot (requiring another suit), and multiple days involving skiffs, yachts, polo ponies, and cricket. I was game: it was like being stuck in some specialty park at Disneyworld, and I love to learn the rules so I can break them. Here were a few I discovered:

              -You can’t ask people where they go on vacation. You ask them where they summer, or winter, or, for the younger, sportier ones, where they ski.

              -An American accent threw them, especially when I turned on the Southern drawl I usually kept safely packed away. If I wasn’t from Newport, or Vail, or New York, I was no one of importance.

              -No one ever discussed money, but every conversation was about it: where children were going to school, what new homes or paintings were being purchased, who had just closed what deal.

              -And unlike in L.A., where everyone bedecked themselves in the latest runway looks, here you often learned the richest people also had the oldest clothes. The Princess Royal attended one of these parties in a dress she’d had since 1983. I know the year because I asked her.

By the time the wedding rolled around, part of me was ready to go back to the plastic sheen and bounce of Los Angeles. Other parts of me, like my heart, wanted to stay in this weird world forever, because it’s where Kay was. If this world was a weird Disneyworld, than I was its Cinderella. I’d been scraping things together for so long, spent so many nights wondering where the money was going to come from, how I was going to eat, I cannot explain the relief of having that disappear. Of having someone ready to pick up the check like nothing- and unlike a lot of the men I’d slept with, not expecting a quid pro quo.

Kay and I spent a few weeks before we even had sex again- he was busy, and I was being pulled along to every wedding event anyone could possibly imagine. It’s the stolen moments I remember the most. The way his breath hitched when he saw me partially undressed during our tux fitting. How he always made sure I had what I wanted to drink, no matter the party we were at. When his hand brushed mine and we hooked our pinkies together, walking down this hallway or that. And the night we were finally together again: breathing our secrets together in the dark.

I told him I loved him. I didn’t actually say “I love you”, I’m not an idiot. I told him “I’ve never felt this close to someone,” and that “I’ve told you things… I’ve never told anyone before” and “I know this must sound strange.” He soaked it up, and looked at me, those blue eyes full of affection, rubbed my arm. “I care deeply for you, Percy. My heart… I think someone else has that. I can give you everything else.” He said it like he’d pried it out of himself… carefully and painfully.

I wish everything had been enough for me.

The summer swept along, and suddenly it was the day I’d come for all along: the wedding. It was held in a quaint village in a “small, country chapel” that sat the two hundred guests with ease. The interior looked like a florist’s shop the night before Mother’s Day. (Kay’s big brother had to take at least three puffs from his inhaler and everyone had to pretend they didn’t notice it happening.) All the women were arrayed in pastels, or florals, most looking ten years older than they actually were in the severe, pinned up styles the occasion demanded. One of the coach horses ate the fascinator Kay’s girl cousin had talked about incessantly over the summer. But seeing my stepfather trip over his words, bursting with happiness at his new life and new wife was truly one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen. In short, it was a perfect family wedding.

And then it was over. They were off on their honeymoon, backpacking in East Asia as if they were 22 and not 62. I’d seen my stepfather off. I knew he would always be part of my life, but that I wasn’t meant to live in his. I finally understood why they call it a flat: that’s all I felt walking around that apartment.

I wanted Kay to say: “I love you. Move in with me. Marry me, when it’s finally legal.” He didn’t. He was still caring, and attentive, and sweet, but we never talked about love or a future. Maybe that’s why I invited the Swede back to the flat on the last night before I left. Why I forgot that Kay was coming over to cook me a farewell dinner. Why I didn’t lock the door.

Turns out, he’s not as good as a poker player as I’d thought. I saw it all. Shock, dismay, pain, but never the anger. He left, never saying a word.

It wasn’t until the next day, somewhere 10,000 feet above Chicago, my suitcase full of a bunch of fancy clothes I’d wear only to auditions that I realized he always got quiet when he was angry.

*names, dates, and details have been altered to protect the innocent

[autisticadventurer]

Self Care

The biggest part of my journey lately has been forgiveness. Letting go of things that will never be repaid, clearing the debt, and at the same time, remembering not to do business with select individuals again. A lot of time goes into healing beforehand and any psychological professional worth their salt won’t recommend embarking on that part of the process until the grieving and healing has already happened. Obviously, there are things that get in the way like lingering consequences - for me this is the mountain of debt that I sit under by making educational choices that had more to do with appeasing my mother than getting a job. The job that I want is on the horizon and I often feel like forgiveness will be easier when I’m where I want to be because paying bills on something that wasn’t for me is a constant reminder of the damage that was done. Bills never go away though, so perhaps just a little reframing will help me get to a place where I can let go, or at the very least, make peace with where I am.

A nice result of the forgiveness process is that I have now been able to begin the spiritual separation from my mother (and father) that most people experience in adolescence as a natural part of growing up. For people with narcissistic parents, this natural process is often received as a threat or an insult or some other stupid, personal interpretation of a natural process that every human and most other animals go through and have been for thousands of years. But, “How dare you make choices that I would not?” “How dare you wear colors that I would not?” “How dare you be anything that I am not?” “How dare you not make me look good?” “How dare you make me look bad?” “How dare you not place my fragility before your own needs?” etc.

One thing that I want to address here is self care and beauty because I’ve talked about it before and I feel that it’s time for another layer. First of all, I understand that there is a certain amount of care that people show by wanting to help others solve their problems and on the other hand, there is a certain amount of annoyance that we often feel when we have already tried everything that is being suggested to us. I know this because I am the first to try to help (I’m probably the person that the, “Have you tried yoga?” memes are based on) and the first to get annoyed when someone tells me how to manage a migraine that I take regular medication for and they’re well controlled and DAMMIT SUSAN sometimes one breaks through anyway MEDS ARE A TREATMENT NOT A CURE ALL, THANK YOU. 

Most people believe that their view of the world is the only correct view and my mother is no different. I learned to think in this way from her. It’s taken a long time to try to undo that nasty habit. Case in point - I was recently at a MENSA lunch when we got on the topic of politics. I mentioned that I lean liberal and someone asked me when I was moving. I responded that I’m not moving and I think it’s important to be able to live peacefully with our neighbors whether or not we see the world the same way. That response shut him up for the remainder of the meal. Anyway, I was raised to think that it was my responsibility to save the world because my mom put that on me. We had to do all kinds of weird things a live in strange ways because having a microwave would kill us, as if we’re not all going to die eventually. I tried very hard to live up to all of my mother’s ideals, even the ones that were in conflict with others, and for many years, I pushed that onto other people as well. Like many, I believed that individual choice could produce astounding results as long as we all chose to participate in sustainability. I did not understand systemic problems and I exhausted myself.

The truth is, sometimes living with a disability means that having a microwave or access to plastic straws is a lifesaver. I love turtles and plastic straws makeup less than 1% of all plastic waste in the ocean. It’s a nice choice, but again, some problems are systemic and I don’t understand the appeal of straws anyway. Only this far into my life have I come to understand that  1) I’m not on trial and I don’t need to explain my choices. I was once shamed and berated by a woman at a campus blood drive for walking by and not donating. Dear reader, I am the universal receiver so my blood is practically worthless. I frequently have pseudoseizures when exposed to needles. I was receiving regular acupuncture at the time. And none of that was that woman’s business. I am under no obligation to donate blood. 2) Nobody has to understand or agree with me in order for my choices to be valid. 3) I get to do what’s best for me.

Now, on the topic of self care and beauty, I understand that there is a long history of linking value to beauty and, to this day, I still reject that notion. I also continue to reject that notion that appearances have anything to do with who we are. I’ve been meditating for too long to still believe that I am my body. However, I understand that I live in my body just as we live in our houses, and so it is important to maintain our houses so that they stay liveable for as long as possible (or until we decide to vacate, if that’s what we wish); it’s a strain on our resources to have to build new ones. 

As a child, despite the fact that my mother was adamant about being healthy, eating right, and exercising, I was taught that any kind of skin care or hair care was a waste of time. Not to mention, her actions taught me that my emotional and psychological health didn’t matter either. To this day, she is borderline obese and we have a history of heart attacks so that’s not body positivity. But let me tell you what I have come to understand. First of all, our atmosphere doesn’t work quite like it used to so sunscreen gets more important every year; cancer is a very real and we face serious risk of exposure to all kinds of stuff that our ancestors didn’t have to deal with. The skin is also the largest organ of the body and requires care like anything else. I take fiber to manage my IBS, I take meds for migraines and SPD, I exercise my heart, I stretch my muscles, why wouldn’t I use sunscreen? (I use special lotion for my eczema but even that wasn’t allowed until my music teacher called my mother because I had scaly rashes on the backs of both of my hands and ONLY THEN, after years of agony, was I taken to see a doctor about my skin). I’ve even started trying products for my hair. Now, growing up, I was told that I was not allowed to have soft hair, specifically, “Don’t use my shampoo because nobody is allowed to have softer hair than me.” You might not know that I have natural spiral curls with rough frizz. I was always caught between, “why don’t you wear long hair,” and “why don’t you take care of your hair?” Aussie has this new-to-me line of miracle products that cost $5 each, including ones for curls. Twenty years ago, $5 would have been too much to spend on one product for me to have soft, manageable curls. 

It’s important to find a balance. Nobody should have to feel that they have to look a certain way in order to be valued, especially if that look is artificial or requires a great financial investment. AND we are all allowed to take care of our oursides the same way we aspire to take care of our insides. Nobody should have to live a lifestyle that makes it impossible to enjoy their own life. AND we are allowed to accommodate ourselves especially when others won’t help and don’t understand.

I look forward to getting married so that I can cut my hair off but I want a fancy updo even if we just go down to the courthouse. I found this bangin’ mohawk look that’s just my style and, dammit, I’m not going to put up with a frizzy, messy, roughed up, uneven textured, tangled mess for another year just so I can have one day of fanceh. I’ll be using the same damn products after I cut it anyway, just less. With sensory overload from the world that I can’t control, feeling comfortable in my own skin (and hair) doesn’t have to be part of the problem. And yes, I know, I’ll receive the equivalent of, “Your kitchen looked better before you remodelled it,” and everyone is entitled to their own opinion but nobody but me spends half their life in my kitchen. 

[norwegianfriedokra]

Sick and Vacation Time, Health Insurance; thoughts on my Arbeitsvertrag (Contract)

Earlier this week I signed my work contract.  This blog post isn't about serious details, but an attempt to explain some of my benefits that I receive in my current position.  These are the questions I asked that would have been important for many Americans in any contract/job position discussion, questions that were considered foreign and weird here. For example, sick time and vacation, and if and what a comparable FMLA program would be.

Sick time in Germany is regulated by the government/union contracts.  You are always paid for your sick time, there are no sick days offered by companies because if you're sick you don't lose pay.  If you are sick 3 days or more you must provide a doctor's note. When you see the doctor they will write you a note for a specific period of time; for example if you go to your physician and they say you should be out of work for 5 days your note will be for 5 days (it can cover future sick days).  You are paid for all of that time. Calling in sick is considered the responsible thing to do if you feel you can't complete your job here.  There is no working through the pain, or coming to work with a stuffy nose.  

Don't get me wrong, like in the US, they know that their sick time policy can be abused.  Because there are so many protections in their contracts for workers in Germany, someone could get a doctors note for a week of sick time, go to work the next week, and then get a doctors note covering the next week.  In theory, one could take an entire half year sick time and your employer couldn't do anything about it. Despite this potential, they keep those protections for their workers (citizens and immigrants like myself).

Their equivalent to FMLA, at least at my current job, provides me with 6 weeks full pay and then from what I understand another 6 weeks that are covered at 60% by the government.  To explain...if I were to break my leg I would get paid for 6 weeks leave by my company (if I need that much time), at 100% and then an additional 6 weeks at 60% by government.

Vacation, as determined by my current job, is also government/union regulated.  I am promised 30 days of vacation each year.  That doesn't include holidays, I don't think. My vacation is fronted, so that means I don't have to wait for it to accumulate.  I'm not sure yet about the rules for vacation carryover, but based on what I know from others you don't lose your vacation.  I think there is probably a limit to how much you carry over but I'm also not sure about that.  Because my first day is May 1st, I was only fronted 20 days vacation because I'm working a partial year.

I will update ya'll more on the details and more about regulations and rules as I learn them.  I think one of the easiest things that exists in this day and age is the art of misunderstanding.  There is this "misinformation" wave, right? I know a lot of people disparage socialized democracies because they think they provide inferior options/help.

I have talked to multiple people who have called in sick since I've moved here, and when you need to see a doctor it almost always happens on the same day. If you are sick one day you get can get an appointment with the doctor the next day.  The only time there are serious wait times are when you're seeing a specialist. Then it can take a bit of time, like 1-2 months.  However, I would like to emphasize that anytime I've tried to make a similar appointment in the states it also takes just as long as so many of those specialized doctors are always booked at least a month out. So the health care system, from what I can see now, has similar accessibility if not better than in the US.

Another thing to understand about what many call "Socialized healthcare" for Germany is a misconception. You aren't locked into a single government healthcare program.  Before I start on my first day I am expected to pick out the healthcare program I want to participate in (like with many jobs in the US), the exception being that I get to pick any of the programs that are available from the pot.  I'm not limited to what my company is participating in. I just look up the program I want based on what benefits I want to pay for, notify my company, and then they will take care of the rest.  

You are legally required to have health care here, but unlike in the US you have the freedom to choose from all the options available to everyone else. In the US you may have the right not to pay for health insurance, but you are always limited by costs and options.  If you don't choose the program your company participates in then your costs go up exponentially.  Here everything is more standardized, and what you pay is also adjusted based on what you earn.  You still get the same benefits, you just pay a certain percentage based on what you earn. Everyone pays the same percentage for their health insurance, thus is the standard of living and care in Germany much higher overall than in the US.

I will do my best to correct or amend my statements from above, if and when I learn I also added to this wave of "misinformation".  As I would assume you know, "Misinformation" is not my intent, my hope is to elucidate not obfuscate.

[backstagestitches]

Hi there! I saw you have posts talking about working on a cruise ship in the Stage Department, and mentioned your husband also works on the ship with you. I’m a SM with 5+yrs of experience and I’ve thought about going into cruise ship work, my only hold up is I’d only be willing to do it if my husband was on board with me. (He’s an incredible singer and a pretty good actor, but has very limited tech experience) I was just curious what your experience was working on a cruise as a married couple?

Hi!

Well, first, my husband (boyfriend at the time) got the job first, and I applied after. There aren’t many couples who did it the way we did (in fact, most cruise ship couples don’t know each other before ships!). So, we spent our first contract apart. It was a long 9 months. We then had to appeal to our supervisors to be able to be on a ship together for our contracts. It makes it hard for shoreside, because sometimes the contracts don’t match up. There’s also the question of if it will happen. From what I know, Carnival Cruise Line seems to be the best for keeping couples together, but it’s not the best work. When I left, they were trying to keep casts and their techs together, so that’s nice. What that doesn’t do is allow too much wiggle room for extending contracts if you needed to for, say, 3 months to plan your vacation around an important date (like we did for our wedding).

Now, to the real question you asked. We shared a cabin, which was great, because I hate most other people, but it was a small room. Like 10x12′ at the biggest. We also did not have what was called a “couple’s cabin” very often. This meant that we had twin bunks like everyone else. If we were lucky, we got a “couple’s” one, which meant the bottom bunk was extended about a foot or so, so we could both sleep in the same bed. Before we were married, we slept in the tiny bed together, but afterward, I jerry-rigged a bigger bed by setting up some crates and putting the second mattress on them. We got our own bathroom, though, so that was nice. The space thing, especially if you’ve been living on your own or have a house with your husband, can be challenging, because if you fight...well, where are you going to go? Once I went up to the highest (and dirtiest...so I know no one ever went there) catwalk so sit and cross stitch. 

The cabin is the worst part, though. Through the stresses of ship life, you have someone who knows what it’s like. You can complain about the food or the stupid guest who had their phone out during safety briefing. You can plan excursions, and take midnight (though you’re a tech, so more like 2 AM) strolls on deck, and play drinking games in the bar. I almost always had a dinner buddy, and someone to go ashore with.

If you’ve never worked together, it will be a learning curve. I was the Backstage Manager, and my husband was the Audio Tech. During shows and load ins (mostly...those are more lax), we were techs, coworkers. I had a couple of the Social Hosts notice we were together all the time, and told us we’d make a cute couple if we were to date (”Well, you’re invited to our 2 year wedding anniversary next week, if you like.” “Wait...whaaaaat?”). So depending on the line you get hired for, the SM/actor roles would have to be your only roles during a show, and then you can be a couple after the show comes down. If you’ve worked together, you know all this already. The only other thing I can think of is if he was hired as a performer, and you a tech, there is a chance you become resentful of his schedule (on Carnival...I don’t know what the schedules are for other Lines). Tech schedules on Carnival are a bit longer than performers’, and there was a bit of resentment among us for the Duo that only played 5 hours a day, for example. (From what I hear, though, they are requiring more from the performers these days. It has been a couple years since I left.)

I’m so glad I had my person with me during my time. As I said before, they’re your ally through ship life. It’s a hard life sometimes. I remember an incident that really upset me on the ship, and he was there for me, protected me when I needed it in the time after, and was on my side the rest of the time. When I had my injury a few year later, he was the only one who believed me when I said I wasn’t right. 

I hope this answered your question! If not, send me another! I love answering!