#everybody's gonna have a bad time
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Magnus Archives fic in progress (I THINK it's called The Notebook)
You ever wrote a chapter and realize it's the scene you wanted to see but nobody's done and so you had to do it yourself?
So this is the Magnus Archives/Malevolent, beginning Somewhere Else.
(And if that made sense to you, you might be my target audience.)
(And this is just part of a scene, unedited, so please be kind.)
The actual traveling is dizzying as hell, and Jon can’t block it out.
Can’t avoid the vacuum-pinch in his ears or the clench of his sinuses or the spin of his gut.
But then it’s over, and they’ve arrived.
It’s a temple. Dimly lit by distant daylight, all white marble, pillars carved with what look like tentacles or really thick vines, and the King’s three-hook symbol prominent in ebony and taking up most of the floor.
And apart from the King and Jon, it is absolutely empty.
Jon is on his knees, gasping.
Long game, he thinks, because it’s inevitable that this monster-god will lose patience over his continued refusal, and when that happens, it’s going to be bad.
Jon knows he’ll be tortured. Skinned. Burned. Broken. But until that time, he intends to give this thing no reason to hurt him apart from that one, crucial thing that he will not do.
Thus: he remains on his knees.
He’ll hold out as long as he can.
“You’re so certain I’m going to harm you,” says the King, who sounds (and hopefully still is) amused.
Jon swallows.
“Have I hurt you so far, Archivist?”
“Just Jon,” Jon says, and flinches, because apparently he can’t not be contrarian for two seconds, even when he’s trying. Jonah couldn’t have picked somebody sensible, oh, no, that wouldn’t do…
The King leans in, close, so close that whatever weird heat he gives off makes Jon feel like he’s going to be sunburned. “As you wish - Jon.”
Jon suddenly wishes he hadn’t asked this thing to use his name. The way he says it is… not good. He feels it somehow, deep and violational.
The King’s laugh shudders through him, drives his hands to the floor, keeps Jon’s head down.
“Have I hurt you?” says the King.
Jon’s fingers tense on the marble floor. “Apart from emotional scarring through… whatever happened at the Grove, and only ripping me away from my soulmate, no. Not at all.”
“Look at me, Jon,” the King says, and one of those hideous tentacles touches under his chin, lifting his face.
The King’s gaze pins him like nails through his eyes.
(And tempts with so much knowledge and so many statements and Jon could sit over this thing and feast on fear for a thousand years and never come to the end of it, and he pushes that thought away).
“There. Was that so hard?” says the King. “Now, I’ll ask you this: what do you think I want from you?”
Jon is still shuddering. “Something I can’t give.”
“Can’t you? I only ask for something you already want to give.”
The King isn’t wrong. Of course there’s a broken, bruised part of him that wants to answer their call.
Jon will never listen to it. “I don’t.”
“You do. A strange state of affairs, isn’t it? For one whose very blood flows with truths to deny one of his own.”
It’s prodding through his head, that’s what’s happening. Finding thoughts, lifting sensations like rocks to see what’s underneath. Finds, somehow, his tether to the Dread Powers, that connection, always on, circuit always open, always calling, always beckoning.
For all the world, it feels like the King plucks that tether.
- and Jon finds himself curled on the floor with no memory of going down. He’s gasping.
The King waits. Silent. Watching.
Jon doesn't know what just happened. He completely blacked out; feels the horrifying vibration of the Dread Powers in him, still calling - but he didn't answer. He didn’t. Relief brings tears to his eyes.
And there’s a bad sound, a rumbling sound, something like a growl but almost mechanical, a terrible tremor that Jon knows is the King’s anger.
Jon forces his voice to work. “You don’t understand. I already did this. I damned everybody. I… I can’t do it again. You don’t know what you’re asking for.”
So much for the long game.
Not like I’ve ever been able to avoid irritating anyone, even when they were about to melt my hand, he thinks, and almost laughs, but that would peel right off into hysterics, so he keeps it down.
“Speak. I hear your thoughts, anyway.”
Someday, Jon would like to deal with a monster who doesn’t do that. “I contain an entire world’s torture in me,” he says, haggard with memories planted under his skin. “I’ve seen it all. Felt it all, every scream, every torment. I know what can be done to the human body and mind, and I’d rather just get on with it, if it’s all the same to you.”
The King studies him, and Jon can’t read him at all, can’t get a whiff.
“Walk with me, Jon.”
Jon grits his teeth, shudders. The King makes his name resonate deep, scraping some string hooked directly into his soul.
Somehow, he stands, and walks.
#snippet#amwriting#wip#unfinished work#the magnus archives#malevolentpod#everybody's gonna have a bad time
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Rings of Power Season 2 Episode 5
BEFORE:
DURING:
AFTER:
#everybody is having a bad time!!!#shit is getting real REAL FAST#it's only gonna get WORSE!#I'M FINE 😀#rings of power#rop#trop#rings of power s2#rop s2#trop s2#galadriel#elrond#gil-galad#celebrimbor#annatar#sauron#miriel#elendil#valandil#pharazôn#kemen#eärien#durin#durin iii#durin iv#disa#adar#me#trop spoilers#rop spoilers
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so no one was going to tell me if i got literally one episode further tenax drops that he’s the one who saved scorpus from his mom’s pimp AND that he’s intimately familiar with scorpus’ dick when he was younger. guys. guys.
#thinking about an INSANE divorce fic. as a follow-up to the 30k canon-compliant backstory i have not written#(really it could be an au of that because like. am i sentimental and would i want them to get emotionally divorced NO but i will get into#the variants of this later i have to tell you about them ACTUALLY divorced first before i get into the hot divorcee energy of it all)#where they fucked around when they were younger and then broke up because. yeah tenax can dream but scorpus needs certainty he is what he#is he wants attention and dignity and when blue offers for him he goes and we don’t need to know what the massive fight was but we DO need#to know that they stopped fucking and maybe they stopped talking too but now they’re Colleagues. putting the ‘because i can’ moment#into a WHOLE different light bc it’s very much a ‘you no longer have a say in who I get to fuck because it’s not YOU. because we’re not’#and thus we get an exes-to-lovers arc I still know you the best and yes I SEE the scorpus xenon andria potential & once again I am saying:#put that in a box we can’t talk about that right now I see it but that’s not what we’re here for. anyway I was TRYING to say the ‘I know u#best of anyone’ of it all and if you think I have stopped thinking about tenax goading scorpus & talking about his dick for a single second#I have not. I REALLY have not because that is top tier blatant manipulation to be like ohhhh poor baby you’re so old and rotting I can just#get a new chariot driver I don’t even really want you anyway 😇 and scorpus KNOWS It’s bait however. he’s gotta get his attention back.#anyway they are ugly divorced and it’s very slow burn but I know exactly how you taste & what buttons to press & how to grip your shoulders#in an argument until they fuck nasty on all of their riches or however this thing ends. not well for anyone but I WILL be getting them back#together. the other fun little big divorced energy thoughts i had were very much ‘divorced and arguing but it’s foreplay to threaten to#leave each other’ so they can have hot aggressive mean sex because they get off on arguing with each other. everybody in the stables starts#to see them arguing about chariot design & the brothers are scared they’re gonna kill each other & then suddenly scorpus is tongue-fucking#Tenax’s throat with a fist still in his hair and tenax has a hand pinning him back against the post by the throat and that’s all they see#before everybody clears the FUCK out. this is a regular occurrence at all times in all arguments it’s so fun I love the dynamic#OHHHH AND IT’S AN OUTSIDER POV FIC i said the brothers really i meant elia but also now that i say that. could be a fun five + 1 of#everyone watching them threaten to kill each other and then y’know. la petit mort. ALSO i know i see the calla/tenax too we can’t talk abt#that put it in the box with the chariot drivers we can have one (1) thing at a time. the calla note is because i want a calla pov of them#where she’s just like ‘freaks. right in front of my salad?’ and does not give a fuck at all. top tier. anyway. andria/elia/calla/domitian#(Domitian seeing them petition him would be so fun because he wants to puppet master everything he’d want to know SO BAD.) the 5th one idk#because I don’t have any idea about the third brother yet but maybe Tenax catching scorpus in a brothel again? and the +1 is their POV ofc.#(anyway for myself: the vibes i want here are geno/anna cat and mouse follow/unfollow divorce and win her back rumors)#scorpus/tenax#those about to die#scorpus#tenax
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i love crazy contrasting 1p2p in every way(not every way). so i always subconsciously have 2P rusame be friends. unlikely friends etc. in whatever weird school au theyre friends. meri was probably bullied until he started hissing at other kids or something while rus2 was just like huhh okay yeah okay what fine. rus2 found him in a broom closet and it was as awkward as it sounds. in the weird stuckin1Pcoldwar au i have theyre friends also in the torturous existence. 1P rusame is too weird life is too short lets tomodachi✌️
#in comparison 1p rusame would be school insane psychological games social competition nerds MID OFF#2ptalia#i like the jp fanart where 2p ame is pitiful and gloomy. its cute#a little wannabe edgy but spare him he was left in the rain in a cardboard box when he was 2 years old.#i keep imagining a gay school au sorry. im gonna say shit now#rus2 is blunt and kind of. bad at reading signals. accidentally drags him and meri into karaoke with ame(enigmatic popular kid)#meri is like fuck my life... but he has a killer bitch face so people are like uwaa scary... hes brooding...#rus2 is like ah sorry i forgot you never had a normal teen friendship and clung onto (nada) all the time#meri is always coping like these people... dont get it... hes half right#they go to karaoke and ame sings really off key#actually i have a common daydream where ame's elusiveness is really funny to meri#he's like hahahaha what the hell that kids crazy ahahaha. like laughing at a cartoon#and then somehow he keeps being approached by ame (slow trying to step away) hes like noo... i dont actually wanna get close to u at all...#meri and rus2 probably play observers theyre quiet kids who go hmm im nooticing!#observing 1p rusames weirdship that everybody can see but they don't think anyone notices their crazyship#and rus2 is like oh two people talking and interacting alot. theyre friends. its just like a rivalry thing yeah?#while meri is like fuckkk the fucking golden boy is talking to us when ame talks to them rus2 is like#why dont you invite (rusia) to the karaoke arent you two friends#(ame mania face turns around)#okay thats all i got bye
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dw is a mid kid's sci-fi tv show and it's quality level has been mostly entirely consistent (mid, basically, with the occasional very good episode to balance out with crimes against humanity it sometimes produces) the whole reboot, and anybody acting like the Only thing going into peoples opinions of the characters are writing preferences are either Deeply naive or are trying to hide something they know people will not take kindly to.
#dw shit#but look. If you seriously think the one Single doctor without depth is 13 then that is a You having a woman issue. it just is.#there's lots of it#there's thousands upon thousands of words of meta about her and her characters online#as there is for Every Other Doctor#because they All have depth#if you fail to see it the one time you're Not presented with a dude that's not my problem#nor am i gonna hold any hands#i'm not trying to convince you of anything i'm not your mother#but sometimes a duck is just a duck and I will call it a duck#this isn't about Liking the story it's about having a brain not cooked in misogyny to even See it#to start with (you failed the challenge)#kinda hoping the large number of people living up rtd's ass will save gatwa from some of this treatment but i'm not holding my breath#'but I personally would never!' okay but... what about all your buddies??? what about everybody else?? if you're distancing yourself from#Those Bad People you are admitting they exist and there was no point getting pissed at me for pointing out they exist#the lady (gender neutral) doth protest too much#look i don't like Rose much (the og) but you can Bet i've seen some Questionable takes on why she's bad and i'll call them that#the classism and the sexism and the noxious fumes#you can just. Admit that. Even about characters you dislike lol pls
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some people will be all about mental health awareness and leftist ideals of at least tolerating the mentally ill who show ''ugly'' symptoms until it's someone they know and ''care'' about having a bad day and acting like it in a way they don't find appealing
#[temporary text post tag]#vagueing about irls#everybodys your friend until one time youre too tired to act right after getting yelled at first thing in the morning#worst thing is i trusted her enough to tell her shit none of my other friends know about#liek i genuinely believed we were friends and i wasnt just an accessory so she wouldnt feel lonely and could vent to someone about whatever#now im really wondering if all the shit she told me about other people was real or if she just ditched them as well after they-#- acted emotionally in a way she didnt like#like im sorry people have bad days and sometimes act in none cutesy ways#at this point idk if the few times i did tell her im feelin like shit she took it seriously or just thought i was joking#im kinda assuming the second one#like she did feel and act fairly progressive - she'd often talk about acceptance and understanding#i don't even think she sees this situation as dropping a 'freind'#she's prolly gonna find a way to justify it somehow idk#point is im hurt and need a drink#she even vaguely texted me like 'if someone you knew hurt someone you care about would you try to fix it with them or just block them?'#like not even confront me and say 'you hurt someone i care about so now im ending things'#or just tell me to fuck off or call me a piece of shit#i feel after a year and all of the 'youre a good friend' shit that maybe i was at least entitled to a 'fuck off kys' text and then a block#i shouldve dropped her first - save us both some time#honestly i dont even think she thinks about this at all#im probably just sulking like a kicked dog while she does whatever the fuck it is she does#she probably didnt even care about my side of the story#why would she#honestly she always did most of the talking#i was just there to listen and sometimes make a joke for her to laugh at i guess#like i didnt know i was signing up for a '1 strike and youre out' type deal lmao
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The Rescue - Chp 53 - Still Dealing With The Sting
Good morning my lovelies and lurkers <3
The newest chapter of The Rescue is now live! Christmas and the Holiday season being what it is, I haven't had a ton of time (though, mostly energy has been the problem) to write, but I should still have something to go up in two weeks for you all :)
I hope you all have a lovely day and wonderful weekend! If I can get my ass up on time I'm thinking I'll catch The Boy and The Heron today as a step in helping me wind down a little. Honestly really excited to see it.
Enjoy the reading! Thank you all, as always, so much for the comments and kudos and shares <3 I apologize I haven't been able to respond to all the comments like I want to. My brain is deep in scrambled-egg territory.
Love you all, take care of yourselves and each other as best as you can!
~ Belle
#g/t#giant/tiny#giant tiny#g/t author#g/t writing#gtauthor#gt#gentle giantess#The Rescue#Henry/Melanie#Everybody's Tired and Nobody Is Happy: Hooray!#Three people making bad decisions for maybe??? good reasons???#We bless this mess#Sorry for if my editing isn't top notch#Soup for brain will get in the way of wordsing right goodlike#it's unfortunate but such is life at this time of the year#One more week though and then I just get to be a zombie through the family stuff and then HIDE FROM PEOPLE until 2024#I don't go back to work until Jan 3rd once I finish up with family day on the 22nd#That'll be nice#and roomie is gonna be gone for at least a few days so I'll have just enough time with the house to myself to be devastated when he returns#c'est la vie
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watched too many compilations of those anime “childhood best friends always lose to the characters who fall from the sky and appear out of nowhere to befriend the mc”, and not only am i feeling sad about how renskall got steamrolled by rendoc, i am also feeling sad about fuckass spopera. anyways remember our first warrior renskall island 💪 or the renskall horse 💪 or the renskall podcast 🔥
#hermitshipping#trafficshipping#it’s not really shippy but whatever. putting the tags here#this is because of ren ngl. everybody in the line or whatever#in the ren cinematic universe of my mind iskall is the childhood bestie. doc is the highschool bad boy boyfriend#and he met martyn in a summer college camp and was never the same afterwards#ok i was gonna clarify that fuckass spopera does not have the childhood friend trope. but i think we made it canon for a hot second#joining the war of rendoc vs treebark on the side of renskall#this is why spending too much time on bilibili is a bad idea#ria.txt#personal#do you rmb when scarian overtook grumbo. it’s like the same for renskall and rendoc#ok but to be fair you can’t get much worse than hashtag SHIPrendoc#i need to get off fucking bilibili before i make myself too sad—#there were like 21 fics in the renskall ao3 tag last i checked. help#青梅不敵天降 ok but what if the childhood friend won in the end. what then
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ahhhhhhhh guess who made the mistake of getting a haircut
#i was planning on growing it out for real i swear#but then the back of my hair got to that length (like it always does) where it starts touching the back of my neck wrong and i cant stand it#so i figured I'd juuuuuust get a trim maybe only the back so it wouldn't keep bugging me#and it started off pretty good too she was doing well with everything and i liked the way it looked#then she asked me a question with two options. and i answered the question. and she repeated my answer. good enough right?#well i think she maaaay have forgotten my answer in the span of like 2 seconds bc she started cutting SUPER short suddenly#and now my perm is completely gone lol#i think she's used to going a bit shorter so it looks good in like a week when it's grown out a bit#and you don't have to go back for a haircut every 2 weeks#but like. i would rather not hate my reflection (more than usual) for a week or two while it grows out yknow#eurghhhh it's not that bad tbh ive had haircuts where i wanted to kill myself and this is just 'hmm maybe i should wear a hat for a week'#but still. very annoying. and especially so bc i was actually feeling optimistic with where we were going at the start#anyway there's this weird phenomenon that keeps happening where I accidentally get my hair cut too short#then i decide this is going to be the time i finally grow my hair out for real#and after a while the back reaches that length where it starts bothering me again#and ill get a haircut juuust for a trim#then i somehow end up with a bowlcut#it's an emo bowlcut to be clear. so im not super hung up about it bc i still love that haircut for reasons i cannot comprehend#but everybody else seems to go 'ew a bowlcut why' except for the alt queers who go 'omg gender'#which i consider to be one of the biggest compliments i could ever get. and have gotten. seriously that moment will never leave my mind#like having someone that you consider Gender to look at you and say *you're* very gender? my crops have been watered my cattle have been fed#etc etc. anyway this currently has the shape of a bowl cut but it's too short esp on top#so im back in my 'okay im gonna grow it our FOR REAL this time' phase again. as it goes. like fucking sisyphus.#anyway. im gonna be tearing it up in the pit at origami angel tomorrow so if anybody's also going feel free to join me there#just gotta let off some steam. goddammit i knew i should have gone the queer route and just done it myself. in my defense i still had a perm#and i didn't trust myself to cut curly hair. turns out i shouldn't have trusted the barber either bc she just held it straight out#and chopped right across. and soon the curls were gone and everything was straight. ...that sounds like a metaphor for conversion therapy#'yeah just head into that place by the time you leave you'll be straight'#anyway. sorry for the waterfall of tags if ur still here kudos to you and may you have a wonderful day#mine
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How’s life? No pressure question ofc, but if you want to share please feel free to do so with this ask :3
Eh, it doesn't feel all that great right now. I'm tired and hungry a lot, but I just have to get a routine together. My sleep has been wonky, I've been waking up too early, but I feel fine then but it also feels like I can't rest completely- I have dreamless nights mostly. And I also just get annoyed a lot, but it feels better being around people I like.
#my father is upset today too cause I couldn't hang out with him#I talked to a social worker at school a few days ago just for check in and in my opinion I still feel bad even talking to her#it's been a rough week and I'm not sure what to do except deal with it and move on#I like to draw still#I dont want to get tired of it#I mean at least I'm doing productive things like laundry and showering#I'm gonna have spaghetti today that's a good thing#I'll have clean sheets for my bed that's good too#I got presents a day earlier and that's good#I like listing the positives#It kinda gives me ideas for writing#I really wanna eat all these positive things i mean the feeling it gives me in itself#I really love the good things I don't ever want to lose them#I'm actually gonna try to make a doll bunny today#I got dug up old fabrics in my room so I can experiment with something new#I'd list more good things but I'd sound kinda weird doing that in the tags#I should probably journal again but my mind blanks when I try but I'll figure it out#I mean poetry and fanfiction is always an outlet#I gotta practice that more often#There still a ways to go in life so obviously it'll change eventually it always does#And it's only one of many weeks so I can't be too doubtful#It can't always be the worst#Feeling the same feels awful#No matter the emotion it kinda turns numb if you feel it long enough#Days are always changing though since everybody is doing different things everyday all the time#Like most say 'it gets better' eventually#I guess I can wait for a good day#I have no choice sooo I'll let whatever happen#Well technically I can make it happen#I'll feel better when I made myself dinner and cleaned my bed and put away my laundry and put on fuzzy socks and go to sleep
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an incomplete list of things I thought were pretty obvious bc I'm feeling petty
The jedi being about processing your emotions and grief and being able to work through the feelings in a healthy way
Odysseus being a rape victim
#choosing violence#Might be wacking the hornets nest lads but#I'm feeling petty and strongly about being right#An incomplete list of things I thought were obvious I will be adding to this as the mood strikes#Like okay first off everybody's entitled to their own opinion even if they're wrong ones so#This isn't exactly directed towards anyone I've just seen a lot of bad faith takes that have pisse me off#And most of the time I'm a we don't need to explicitly spell things out for the audience#But then I see some truly magnificent bullshit and then I have to see some in depth analysis that's just#So very wrong#And like it's fine to be so off course from the original story and to be yes and and what ifing a story#That's actually a lot of fun#But that's different then what actually happens in Canon yah know#Anyway guess who saw back to back posts about how actually odysseus loved his time as a sex slave#And how the jedi brought about and deserved their own slaughter#Gonna call this the saw some bullshit list#Saw some bullshit list#the odyssey#Star wars#Tw: rape
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siiiiiigh the chuggaaconroy situation really sucks :(
#like i don’t think he’s the scum of the earth or anything but you can’t deny how creepy he’d been acting#and no being autistic is not an excuse for consistently making your female friends uncomfortable#and continuing to act weird even after apologizing#i feel bad for everybody he’s hurt. especially lady emily who’s had to deal with a Lot of victim blaming#masae coming out with her own experiences too makes it sting even more#and i do think emily could have been more solid with her boundaries but i also don’t blame her for feeling weirded out. i would too tbh#man.#i wonder what colo’s gonna look like this year#honestly i haven’t watched chugga in a Long time cuz i’ve just. kinda grown out of his content style#also it legitimately surprised me when he started openly swearing in stuff lol#like who is this#but he still held a dear place in my heart and it feels a little bit off now#hrm.#bear.txt#bear.vent
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thinkin about the time my mom said 'how SHARP is that KNIFE???' from the other room when I was slicing tomatoes and thinking about how using knives at her house ranges from 'annoying' to 'actively nerve-wrecking' because they're so fucking dull and also thinking about how many times she's fucking lacerated her own hand while cooking
#my response to my mom being aghast at my audibly sharp knife was a jovial 'a sharp knife is safer than a dull one!'#which I THOUGHT was just me pointing out a truism that she would have heard before but she was like [skeptical] really??#..... YES. OH MY GOD. SO MUCH MAKES SENSE. YOUR KNIVES ARE LIKE THAT ON PURPOSE???#I thought you were just bad at knives.... but you're WILLFULLY bad at knives..........#YES!! if you have to fight it to do its fucking job it's gonna be harder to control and have more force behind it when you LOSE control MOM#I'm positive I've talked about this before I just think about it all the time agdjfkssgsk#plus I only recently made the '... wait she's also cut herself a LOT' connection lmao :'D mom... please....#accidents happen to everybody no matter how careful you are BUT for what it's worth I have still not yet sliced the shit out of my thumb#like my mother has MULTIPLE TIMES#so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#about me
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✨⚡️ Seven(ish) Sentence Sunday ⚡️✨
Tagged by @acountrygirlsfun (a couple times by now, though not actually this most recent time, but I figure it still counts!) Thank you, Caitlin <3 <3 <3
Helix took a deep breath in, counted four flashes of the desperate direct-@ lights coming in from his side chat panels, and breathed out. His voice came out steady, and miraculously casual. "We understand why you did it. You were trying to keep our brothers safe." He watched Harp's eyes go wide at the 'our' brothers. Like he hadn't expected the rest of them to claim the Corries. Because he'd been hiding from them just like from the longnecks, he had falsified his— Deep breath in. Two flashes, no time for longer, leave no silence for Harp to panic in. Breathe out. Keep going.
This is not seven sentences, but it's also largely not complete sentences anyway, and it is literally what I just seconds ago finished writing. Still counts!
No-pressure tagging uhhh @ialpiriel, @goingsparebutwithprecision, @anaclastic-azurite, anybody else who might want to play?
#tagged by#acountrygirlsfun#I should be taking a shower and going to sleep but this scene isn't clicking so rather than getting frustrated I'm posting it here#I will have to go back through in my rewrites later and make sure everyone doesn't have their breakdowns in the same way#I do a bit better when the characters are speaking out loud#but for internal thought processes I tend to end up with them all sounding suspiciously similar to my own. whoops#anyway this is more of the good data management AU! we've just learned that the Corrie Guards Are Not Okay#and now most everybody else is also Not Okay! we're having bad times today folks#in the story I mean. I had a fine day!#and though it is emotionally fraught and currently fighting me I am still very happy to be getting back to my beloved Guard#Harp's a medic OC and I adore him and he and the Guard he's trying so hard to take care of really deserve a break#and now their brothers are a little more aware (seriously they have only just nicked the tippest bit of iceberg) of how not okay they are#a break they shall shortly receive!!#(it's gonna come with a double helping of Bother so they won't be very grateful. but they will be better rested and that's what matters)
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meh
#if I tell everything in the tags would that make everything okay#fuck it this is Tumblr I can't have shit anymore#it's 3:25 am by the time i'm writing ts#I want to rip my skin out#everything sucks I can't think I hate it#what should I do tomorrow#everybody is probably tired of me now I can't do it#what should I do what should I do I don't know#I can't even look at somebody in the eye i'm a goddamn coward#when will I be able to get used to it. it's been 6 fucking years#I can't do it I don't want to wait I hate waiting everything sucks I can't#also I think I broke my neck (I already did)#I be moaning over something that's already over fuck this#monday's gonna suck#it happened before I can go through it again?#I don't want to face my classmates and other people what if I got cuffed again#I need to stop thinking it's gonna be over before I knew it please Lord help me please#I don't have to see these people again (hopefully)#they'll just mocked me because i'm an absolute fucking retard who can't even make eye contact with someone before looking away#I have to get used to it. I need to please#it's hot#I made too many fucking mistakes I can't do it#at least it's not as bad (it is)#oh yeah ofc my fucking brother turns on the goddamn heat lmao shoot yourself
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ANYWHO goodnight tumblr i'll be back on the art grind tomorrow i think 🙏
#haunted ecosystem#i'll take a burst of creativity in a different form than usual than the burnout slump i've been in for a few months#<- part of why my fandom stuff has taken a smidge of a backseat#dont get me wrong i am still very excited about my fandoms im just having fun off in oc hell (affectionate)#its nice to just be able to create and not really worry about perception. and also i feel Less bad about just throwing ocs into the wringer#((blame the fact i've been REALLY interested in whump recently and i have been. fixated. on one of my characters.))#and ALSO i've been! rekindling my flame for wtds. i've been putting off thinking about it since that fic got.#nothing bad happened? but it was still very devastating that somebody who i considered a friend from that fic just. evaporated.#but i'm gonna finish that fic for him :) even if it takes a year. even if it's the one thing i finish ever. it'll be wtds.#for where its gotten me and the fact its what got me out of my shell and is the reason i trust that my writing is good!#i used to really hate rereading my work. i catch flaws that are obvious to me. but that fic. i just think about how *good* the story is#that story means. a lot to me? as a person? like the main character is not a good person. but people care about him anyway.#and there are so many little things. so many sentiments. so much that is a love letter to people who've done bad but learnt to do better#because. god knows i wasnt a good person even just a few years ago. and maybe i see myself in him a bit.#he came from a place of paranoia and fear and pain. and maybe its a good thing that i've found it difficult to write him recently.#because god. i've been HAPPY. even with the rough moments and bad days. i've been happy. i mean fuck.#my birthday's what. ten days away? god damn man. i'm going to be 18. that's an achievement.#i want to look the kid who thought it was over at half my age and tell him we fucking made it. and there are more years to come.#there's a life ahead. even if it's going to be a bitch. even if it's going to be tough. there's love in your heart and people who care and#you're going to fucking live and you're going to feel better one day. you have people to meet properly and thank and cherish.#because for every day it feel like the world's ending there are a dozen more where the sun shines just the right way through the rain#and you can't help but smile because it's just so god damn beautiful.#and fuck it. you're sick. your hands hurt and your legs don't work right. and it's tough sometimes. but you have people who understand.#you have people who honest to god love you for who you are and appreciate your company. and 18 is the first step.#you've spent half your life unlearning things and you've spent half your life relearning how to be what YOU want to be#and if you're a mediocre artist and passionate writer then you'll be fucking great at that. taking the time to learn when it strikes you.#and maybe this is for me. but its also for anybody reading it too. please god if there's one thing you take from this let it be that#somebody out there cares. *I* care. god i care. even if we've never spoken proper i care about you.#i practically have a list of everybody i see in my inbox. i love seeing familiar names show up. i.#i dont know how to neatly wrap up this tag ramble. but. i am so damn full of love it hurts sometimes. its scary to be happy but thats ok!
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