#every time i spend the day studying im like well i guess im spending my life sitting in a room reading

[blondiecowboy]

god i seriously wish i never saw that post that said ‘how you spend your days is how you spend your life’ or whatever it kind of ruined my life

[brailsthesmolgurl]

WHY HIM?

I have been writing daily and I think the next few days updates would be a bit more chill as I would be prepping for the Zayne angst series. If you're my follower, you would know what I am talking about ;)

A oneshot featuring you, choosing another guy over him. The songs were curated according to what the boys are probably thinking, just in the form of songs. Accompanied with the boys' POV.

Warnings: Angst, no comfort for the boys because mc is a bitch in this

Zayne - SNOW WHITE

'SHE WAS SNOW, SNOW LIKE THE WHITE LIES'

"Any excuses on why you had to reschedule for your last health checkup?" Zayne spoke, eyes never leaving the health report, studying the numbers and facts running through his mind like a vision.

"I just had to tend to work at the very last minute." She replied, tucking her brunette strand behind her ear. Clearly a lie. Zayne knew her well and long enough to tell the bad habits she has whenever she is lying.

The doctor chuckled softly under his breath. "Sure." Seeing right through her white lies. "Your heart seems to be functioning well. Keep up the good work." His praise raised a smile on her face. A sight he shall never forget.

"I remember you talked about a dessert shop not far from here. How about we head there after I am done with my next consultation?" Zayne asked, the report placed onto the wooden desk of his, fingers intertwined into a combined fist and he looked up. It was rare for Zayne to suddenly ask for a casual hang out just like this. He is always either too busy or too tired to go for any social sessions after he was done for the day.

'COLD LIKE THE NIGHT SHE LET ME GO'

His shift ended and once the last patient was checked out, he swiftly packed his briefcase and headed out of his office, not wanting to spare another minute. A nurse approached him mid-way, asking him to check through the files of a patient prior to submission to the report but Zayne kindly rejected with, "I shall review it tomorrow. Please leave it on my desk."

His response left the nurse bamboozled. He is the last doctor she expected to reject looking into a report for a patient. Guess there is a first for everything. "Sure, Dr.Zayne." She followed him with her gaze, seeing the figure quickly dissipated amongst the crowd of people within the hospital's lobby.

Zayne's excitement immediately died out. There she stood, basked under the dim lighting of the street lamps. Casting an overhead shadow of her, and another individual standing next to her. Zayne could not make out what they were talking about but he could tell she looked happy. Head thrown back, hands covering her mouth to mask her loud laughters. The guy stood in front of her reached his hand up to pat her head in a loving gesture.

'WAS IT THE FROSTBITE OR JUST THE ICE INSIDE HER SOUL? I DON'T KNOW'

Zayne winced, a jolting pain shot up his right arm. A searing pain that he knew was a direct reflection of his heart. If being with her hurts him, being away from her probably hurts him just as much, or perhaps, worse. He gritted his teeth, jaw tightened and his right fist curled tightly into a ball, trying his best to be in control of the pain.

The torture continues as he desperately wanted to intervene, to walk up to her side and introduce himself to the guy. But he stood still, unable to do anything as he watched her expressions closely. Joy, bashful, meek. But whenever she is with him, it would be the opposite effect. Nervous, hesitant, awkward. Was that what he really wanted from her? Of course not.

'I USED TO MELT IN HER ARMS NOW IM FALLIN' APART LIKE THE SNOW'

There were times she would pay him surprise visits in between his schedule, to bring him something to eat or to just spend time with him. But he would dismiss her, stating that it is not necessary for her to be around as it might cause a distraction. But he secretly liked the distraction. He liked watching her looking stressed as she tried to type out her report, looking at him every once in a while, using his face as a medium to recall her memories during the fight with Wanderers.

He also secretly likes it when she brings him desserts, tempting him forcefully by blackmailing him. No floss, no desserts. And he would not comply, purposely saying he has to catch a surgery, only to come back and see the dessert box being left on his table, with a packet of floss and a note that says '𝓟𝓵𝓮𝓪𝓼𝓮 𝓻𝓮𝓶𝓮𝓶𝓫𝓮𝓻 𝓽𝓸 𝓯𝓵𝓸𝓼𝓼!'

He blames himself, it is probably his coldness that drove her away, his indefinite display of love for her an opposing language towards her approach. His cold demeanour being a reality check for the curse that he has to succumb to, but fails terribly when he noticed the way his heart gravitates towards her.

'NEVER KNEW LOVE SO BRIGHT COULD EVER GET THIS COLD'

Zayne's phone vibrated in the pocket of his slacks and he unlocked it with his fingertip, reading the short message that was sent by her. <𝖧𝖾𝗒 𝖹𝖺𝗒𝗇𝖾, 𝗌𝗈𝗋𝗋𝗒 𝖨 𝖽𝗈𝗇'𝗍 𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗇𝗄 𝖨'𝗅𝗅 𝖻𝖾 𝖺𝖻𝗅𝖾 𝗍𝗈 𝖼𝖺𝗍𝖼𝗁 𝗒𝗈𝗎 𝖺𝗍 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝖽𝖾𝗌𝗌𝖾𝗋𝗍 𝗌𝗁𝗈𝗉 𝗅𝖺𝗍𝖾𝗋. 𝖱𝖺𝖿𝖺𝗒𝖾𝗅 𝖼𝖺𝗆𝖾 𝖻𝗒 𝗍𝗈 𝗉𝗂𝖼𝗄 𝗆𝖾 𝗎𝗉.> A rejection clear as day within the enveloping darkness of the night.

Lies. Her face faded back into the darkness and a motion showcased her shoving her phone back into her jeans. The purple haired guy beside her snakes an arm around her waist comfortably and they both trudged down the streets together, an echo of their laughter carried by the wind. Zayne wished he could give up on everything to be in Rafayel's spot now.

─┉┈◈◉◈┈┉

Xavier - FLOORBOARDS

'BURY ME UNDER THE FLOORBOARDS'

Xavier woke up, dreary and wilted. Contrary to the sun that is exploding sun rays into everyone's houses, Xavier's house remained dark, with the sun-free curtains drawn closed for the past few days. It has been a few days since he had last heard from his partner, ever since that day he nearly got her killed due to his carelessness.

Xavier and his partner were deployed onto a mission involving a dangerous underground society named Onichynus. But their cover was blown when one of their moles ended up betraying both of the deepspace hunters, given Xavier has a bounty on his head.

During combat, Xavier managed to eliminate everyone who were trying to decapitate him but he failed to remember that his partner is not exactly the most durable fighter and that got her into a life threatening situation. Laying in her own pool of blood, she was suffocating because of the multiple lodged bullets in her torso.

"Y/N!" Xavier rushed over, skidding past dead bodies to reach to her, holding her up and pulling her into his arms effortlessly. "Help is already on its way. Don't worry about it. I am sorry." He spoke, everything a blur to him because his vision was only narrowed down to the girl in his arms. The girl that made him tear off his own clothes to press it against her bullet wounds to stop the bleeding, the girl that made his work life enjoyable and the girl that gave him a meaning to live, to live FOR HER.

'HIDE AWAY WITH THE LOVE YOU LEFT BEFORE'

Xavier made his way to the kitchen, feet dragged against the flooring, as if he had ankle weights that are too heavy for him to lift up with his legs. Passing by the kitchen isle, he noticed a book sat on it. The same exact book she had given him a few days prior to the accident. Small strips of sticky notes peeking out from the side of the book, an indication for the notes she would like him to be aware of.

Xavier's constant memory loss for deepspace hunter's rules and regulations resulted in the book having to be highlighted and lent to him. Her constant nagging about him needing to be constantly following the protocols used to be a pain in his ass but now he misses it so much. Holding up the thick book in his hand, a sigh ran past his lips and he tossed the book into the thrash can that sat right beside the isle.

'WASTE OF A HEART IF IT'S NOT YOURS'

Almost every night, he sat at the benches outside of Akso Hospital, awaiting for calls from the hospital. Hoping for a report on her wellbeing, or an autopsy if there were any. It was agonizing even for someone as strong-willed as him. Days went by in silence, drowning him further into his own misery.

During his wait for her return, work goes on, with him getting paired up with other deepspace hunters whom are females. Their admiration towards him a one-sided experience for them. There was only missions and home. It shall no longer be missions, then a good meal, then home. Without her, the routine shall only ever part between missions and home.

'STRANGERS AGAIN AND I'M NOT SURE WHAT YOU LEFT FOR'

His phone's ringtone jolted him to his wake, snatching the phone off of his nightstand and the news about her finally came. Within matter of seconds, he is already on his bike, riding at full speed, heading towards Akso Hospital. The low rumble of his engine coming to a full stop when he parked his motorbike at the allocated parking for bikes and he ran in.

His sneakers screeched against the cool tiled floors, making his way past people and up the flights of stairs rather than using the elevator. He could not wait to see her again, not only to give her a proper apology, but to give her a hug as well and to confess to her his true feelings.

After running up more than enough stairs to last a normie for a lifetime of workouts, he came to the floor where patients are housed. He approached the nurses at the oval table and asked for her room. "May I know what's your relationship with the patient?" The nurse asked, fingers flying across the space in front of her, pulling up the requested patient's records with holographic images.

"Boyfriend." He replied and she appointed the room to him.

'LOVE ME LESS, I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU'

He peeked his head in and spotted her from the door, her body lounging under the warmth of the sunlight. When her eyes caught his, she mimicked his expression, eyes widened and seemingly acknowledging his existence.

"How are you doing?" He walked in, closing the door behind him and taking a seat next to her. "I came by as soon as the hospital called me. Are you alright?" His cerulean blues eyeing her from top to bottom in the least sexual way, just wanting to know if she was doing alright physically. The last he met her, she was wrapped tightly like a cocoon, the once white sheets turned red at the amount of blood she had lost.

"Wait." She does not sound shocked nor happy, she sounded curious. "Who are you again?"

'I CAN'T STAND TO SEE YOU WITH SOMEONE ELSE'

Xavier stood outside of the door, silent tears invisible as he watched nurses holding her down as she screamed bloody murder, mistaking Xavier as to be one of the Onychinus. A tall man, with broad shoulders and dark hair walked past Xavier, two men accompanying behind him. Xavier caught the name tag on the man, Zayne. Stepping aside, he watched on as Dr. Zayne---who did not even spare the blond guy a stare---went into the room and he heard her cried out.

"They came for me Zayne! THEY CAME FOR ME!" She was on her wits end, grabbing hold onto Zayne's arms once he took his place beside her. "Please save me." Tears of fear a constant theme for her since she started crying and when Xavier evicted himself out of her personal space.

"It's alright, y/n." Zayne beckoned for everyone to leave the room and they all formed a trail, stepping out of the room one by one.

'WITH SOMEONE ELSE'

"Nobody is going to hurt you when I am here." Xavier caught sight of Zayne hugging her close to him, pressing a soft kiss onto her forehead. It made Xavier's eye twitch unwillingly, his breath hitching in his throat, making it super uncomfortable for him to breathe.

Xavier chose to leave, he had decided that his love for her shall only be kept to himself. Furthermore, she deserves someone who could take better care of her. Both physically and mentally. A trait Xavier strongly believes he could excel in, only if she could remember him.

─┉┈◈◉◈┈┉

Rafayel - IRIS

'AND ALL I CAN TASTE IS THIS MOMENT'

Fingers came up to run past her brunette curls, Rafayel pulled a sakura petal out of her hair. "Even if you have hair colour like this sakura pink, I think it would be a good match to mine. Since they are both from the same spectrum." He chuckled, an invigorating smile on his handsome features. "Mixing paints to get the right swatch would not be so much of a pain in the ass anymore."

"You're funny Rafayel." She replied, eyes connected to his, her words sincere like his feelings for her.

"As so I was told. Most of the time." He then slowly leaned in and they both shared a tender kiss, under the shadows of the sakura trees, children laughters and people's chatting voices framing as background music for their ears.

'AND ALL I CAN BREATHE IS YOUR LIFE'

Rafayel laid in bed next to her, studying her features closely. Her eyes closed, soft breaths circulating in and out of her nose, her cherry red lips glossed under the soft lighting present within his room, making them look extra kissable.

His fingers skimmed past her soft cheeks, causing her to stir ever so slightly but dozed right back off into her dreamland. She had gotten herself so drunk at his event just a while before. But he never knew the reason behind the willingness of her wanting to drink all of a sudden.

But there she laid, within his touch, well asleep. "How I wish you could have just told me what was bothering you rather than keeping it to yourself." His hushed voice seemingly causing no disturbance to her sleep, but it made its way into her dreamland, with him appearing in her dreams, telling her what was told in reality.

'AND SOONER OR LATER ITS OVER, I JUST DONT WANNA MISS YOU TONIGHT'

"Im sorry." Rafayel looked down at the girl in front of him, the bouquet of roses he had prepared for her being returned back to him. Her face displaying nothing but repudiation. "I can't take this. Im sorry."

"Why?" Rafayel looked at the roses. The carmine red standing out from the pristine white of the bouquet wrapper. "Are these flowers not what you like? I can go back to the florist to get different ones, the ones you may-"

"No. Rafayel, no." Her voice barely tepid. "I don't think we should meet each other anymore. I..." Her fingers toying with one another. "I fell in love with someone else." And she walked away, Rafayel's figure slowly shrunk further into the distance.

'AND I DON'T WANT THE WORLD TO SEE ME'

Rafayel holed himself up in his room, artworks all completed way before it was supposed to be done, but Thomas is not allowed anywhere near his house. He did not want to deal with anymore distractions when his mind is already in aberration.

His every stroke messy and not thought through, unalike his usual perfectionist attitude. His pupils were dull, just like the colours shown on his paintings. "It needs more black." He turned to his pots of paints, everything in shades of dark. The colour black itself, has its own palette of tones, although to the naked eyes, it looks black.

'CAUSE I DON'T THINK THAT THEY'LL UNDERSTAND'

He attended events in a timely fashion as well, arriving in his sports car and getting photographed in public. A smile as fake as his belief in love. He used to think that his life hangs in the balance for his relationship, but now it turns out his relationship is what hangs in the balance for his life.

"Is there anything you have to say about your recent change in tones, a drastic change from colourful pastels to gloomy dark shades?" One of the exhibition attendees asked, their eyes blazed with passion as they awaited for his brilliant answer.

"I don't have much to say. But I do have a context to give." He took a deep breath in, calming his nerves. "Paintings are like museums too, they are pieces of memory that one can't touch nor relive." And he left the exhibition right then and there.

'WHEN EVERYTHING'S MEANT TO BE BROKEN'

Rafayel took a walk by the boardwalk near the ocean he always visits. The sky bloomed in blue, the moon hung up high in the cloudless skies like a static mobile. A bonfire set in the distance puffing smokes out into the distance. The smokes carrying hints of red but soon blended in within the skies of blue.

Two figures sat a few feet apart from the bonfire, mashing into one under the blanket to gather warmth. Their shadows elongated behind them, a dark veil against the sands on the ground. As Rafayel got closer, he started regretting it more. There she is, within the arms of another man.

The man she was leaning up against had features like the stars in the sky, with pale complexion and striking blue eyes, with hair colour that matches the theoretically coloured stars. So, that is the guy that Rafayel was in a competition with, not that Rafayel knew to begin with. But the night she got drunk, and the following days after she stopped showing up at his house, the thought surfaced in his head. But it further confirmed it now.

'I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW WHO I AM'

Rafayel stayed behind a huge rock that shields him away from the merry couple, eyes watching, heart longing for a love like theirs. The bride of his from his past life no longer related to him. He stared out towards the ocean, his vision incapable of taking in the full view of the waters.

He slowly descended into the waters, feeling the seas crawled onto his body bit by bit. He had always loved the ocean even if it tried to kill him. But losing the love of his life only meant that he looses his life as well, as his body devolved into bubbles and off he floated off the surface of the waters and taking his place within the infinite skies.

─┉┈◈◉◈┈┉

Another angst to get by another day my lovelies, I am so happy with the amount of love I am getting from all of you so I hope that this gives you guys the right amount of heart ache you guys had requested for ;)

Behind the scenes: The songs I had curated for the boys are the songs I listen to on a weekly basis if I am having mood swings, I hope this may help you to discover these underrated songs and singers :)

But ofc, the hard part for me was to think up scenarios that may match the boys' personality as always, but it also has to rhyme with the songs I am writing with. That itself put me into a writer's block and took a while to get this uploaded. But I hope it is still satisfactory for you all <3

Have a good day my loves!

[27spoons]

CRUSH | ACT ONE: DO I WANNA KNOW?

pairing: natalie scatorccio/fem!reader

summary: You're studying on a Friday. Natalie doesn't like that.

wc: 4200 (blaze it) (im not funny)

warnings: none. I think.

a/n: happy birthday 2 me. here is another chapter. lowkey i wasnt planning on have two chapters in a row with a ? in them but oh well yolo and all that fun stuff. anyways this chapter is basically just two losers yapping (next one will b longer promise)

ao3 / masterlist

PREVIOUS - ACT ONE: HOW CAN I MAKE IT OK?

NEXT - ACT TWO: (idk yet titles are hard) (WIP)

The thing about Natalie Scatorccio is that she always seems to find you when you least expect it. It’s like she has a sixth sense, some radar that tells her exactly when you’re trying not to think about her—and then she shows up, smirking like she knows all your secrets. 

Today is no different. You’re sitting on the steps outside the library, flipping halfheartedly through a history textbook, when her shadow falls over you.

"Studying on a Friday, Princess?" She lets out a low whistle, "Now, that's tragic."

You roll your eyes and let a scoff fall from your lips, "Listen, not everyone can afford to just… throw caution to the wind or whatever. Some of us actually need to study."

Nat snorts as she fishes a cigarette out of her pocket, bringing it to her lips and lighting it, "I do study, just not on Fridays, like a nerd." She gives you a pointed glare, but it lacks any actual heat.

Without giving you a chance to object, she throws her duffle bag down on the steps next to you and sits down with a grunt. "Seriously, though." She ashes her cigarette, "Why're you sittin' alone out here, head in your…" She glances at the cover of your textbook, "history book when you could be doin' anything else?"

You shrug and close your textbook with a sigh, "I dunno. I guess it's just… the way things are, or whatever. Never really been the type of person who goes out on Fridays." Nat nods in understanding as she takes a slow drag from her cigarette, "Yeah, I get that. Nothin' wrong with that. But it gets boring after a while, yeah? Doin' the same thing every week, set in some constant routine?"

"I guess," You sigh and move to put your textbook into your backpack, "But don't you have routines? I mean, soccer and all that?"

"Yeah, I got some routine. Some days, I get up earlier than others to make it to practice. Some days, I spend some time after school kicking around a ball in the field. But that's not my point." Another drag of her smoke, "My point is that you can have some routine, but life is so fucking boring if that's all your life is." She rolls the end of the cigarette between her thumb and pointer finger for a few seconds before looking at you, squinting against the harsh light of the sun that beats down from behind you. "You gotta have something to shake it up every now and then, yeah? You don't gotta go to a party every week, but what's stoppin' you from goin' to one now and then?"

"It's just never been my scene, I guess. My friends and I don't really… do parties, you know? Like, we have small get-togethers or whatever, but we don't party. Never really seen myself as a party person, either." You shrug, zipping up your bag and moving it to rest on the step in front of you, "I dunno. I guess the…" You wave your hands around as you think of the proper words to use, "loud music and annoying people isn't exactly what I consider fun." A fond shake of your head and a gentle laugh, "But, hey, all the power to you if that's what you do find fun."

"You ever been invited to a party?" Nat chimes in after considering your statement for a few seconds.

You have to think about that question for a few seconds. "Yes." You finally manage, which earns you a skeptical look from the woman sitting next to you.

"Then why'd you have to think about it?" 

"Oh my God." You roll your eyes, "Because it's been a while since I got invited to one, alright? Like I said, I don't hang out with the type of people that go to parties. So…"

Nat hums at that, seemingly accepting the answer you've given her. "Alright. So what do you do on Fridays? Or the weekend? Or whenever you aren't with your nose in some book." She gestures to your backpack and the textbook inside of it by extension. "Nothin' wrong with it, but you gotta do something else, yeah?"

A huff leaves your mouth before you can stop it, "Well, you've caught me sketching once or twice, yeah? I'm a pretty big fan of that. Uhhh…" You think for a few seconds, feeling like this is an awkward first date where the person is asking, "What do you do for fun?" and it takes everything in you not to give out the most generic answers possible. "I think I mentioned meteor showers to you before? I, uh, I like stargazing. And I guess I kinda play games sometimes? Although it's usually just… simulation games or whatever. The mindless stuff."

"Right." The girl smirks to herself as she muddles over your hobbies in her head. "Drawing, stargazing, and simulation games. Yeah, you, my friend, are a walking funfest, you know that?" One last drag from her cigarette before snuffing it out on the step, "That stuff is fun and all, but you need some more excitement in your life."

"What? Like… stealing BuzzBalls from corner stores?" A faint smirk tugs at your lips, "Or taking joyrides in stolen Maseratis?" 

"First of all," Nat cuts you off before you can continue, "It was a Mazda. There's a huge difference. Second of all…" She hums and leans back, resting her elbows on the next step up. 

She looks over you in a curious sort of way, appraising your form and being. "You could skate. Could convince Kev to teach you a thing or two at the skatepark, as long as you aren't gonna cry if you fall. If you play simulation games, you might not be half-bad at pool or darts. Hell, even thrifting or something. Refresh your wardrobe. I swear, every time I see you, you're basically wearing the same thing, just in different variants." Then, a sly grin. "But the fun stuff? Bet I could teach you to tag stuff without getting caught. You're already an artist; you should leave your mark on some places, yeah?" Her grin widens, "Maybe I could even convince you to bust into an old factory with me." A beat, "Unless… you're afraid of ghosts?" Then, she's laughing to herself.

You try to fight the grin on your face, but it's hard when you find her smile to be one of the most contagious things you've ever seen. "I'm not afraid of ghosts, thank you." A dramatic roll of your eyes earns another laugh from Nat, her smile wide and plastered on her face like she's having the time of her life. "But, also… I dunno. Maybe I could be convinced to try something new." "Maybe?" Nat parrots, still half-laughing. "Nah. I will convince you to "try something new"; you just haven't seen how convincing I can be yet." A self-satisfied grin replaces the smile she was wearing, and she leans in slightly, lowering her voice. "And I can be real convincing, Princess."

And… yep. You're blushing again. Nat, of course, notices this. Her grin gets ten times toothier, clearly satisfied with herself, and she leans back again. "But," She shrugs—as if she didn't just fluster the shit out of you with a single sentence. "That's for a later date."

Before you get a chance to respond to that, you catch sight of two girls wearing practice uniforms approaching—a simple grey shirt with the mascot's name on it and some shorts. You've seen them around before; it's a small town, after all. 

Jackie Taylor—homecoming queen and captain of the girl's soccer team. Beside her, Shauna Shipman—who you… honestly don't know much about. You're pretty sure the two of them are best friends despite the fact that they seem like polar opposites. 

Something something opposites attract, or whatever.

"Nat." Jackie stops in front of the two of you, regarding you with a half-assed smile for a fraction of a second before turning back to Nat, "You will be at practice today, right? You aren't gonna ditch again to do—"

"Yes, Jackie. I will fucking be at practice, alright?" Nat cuts her off with a scowl and a roll of her eyes. You swear she's gonna add something else but opts against it.

"Well… good." Jackie nods, then glances at you for much longer than she did initially, a curious expression on her face. 

You don't have to guess why the expression is there, either. You aren't that dumb. You don't really look like the type of person Natalie Scatorccio hangs out with—not with your textbooks, sketchbooks, and meekness. No, you've seen the people she hangs out with. Misfits, mostly. There's that one goth kid, that guy with curly hair, and the redhead chick—who also plays on the soccer team with Nat. Then there are the… less than savoury characters. The people who she isn't seen around as much, but everyone knows she is around. Not hardened criminals per se, but people who are very, very rough around the edges. People who have longer rap sheets and far more "experience" being criminals than Natalie does.

Either way, Jackie doesn't comment on the stark difference between Natalie's usual crowd and you.

You give the team captain a tense smile as she looks at you, which she quickly returns before looking back at the girl sitting next to you, "We start in thirty."

"Yeah, I know, Princess." Natalie rolls her eyes, "I'm well aware what time practice starts, thank you."

"I was just trying to—" Jackie huffs and crosses her arms, "Whatever. Be there." Then she walks off, seemingly pouting, and Shauna gives Nat a shrug in apology before following.

Once the pair are out of earshot, Nat groans and pushes a hand through her bleached hair, "See, that's someone I call a princess in a derogatory manner."

You snort, "But it's not derogatory with me?"

"Nah." She shakes her head, "With you? It just… feels right. Dunno. Like that one chick we called "Crystal the Pistol" a few times. It's an affectionate nickname, or whatever." She waves a hand dismissively, "Not my point. Point is, when I say it to you, it's…" A beat of hesitation as she tries to find the right words, "Ugh. I don't know. I'm not good with words. Just know it's a good nickname, not a bad one."

"Right." Your eyes narrow slightly at that, but you don't push the topic further.

Which Nat seems grateful for, anyway. "Anyways. What the hell were we talking about?"

"Uhhhhh… hobbies, and how mine are, apparently, drastically boring?"

"Oh. Right." She nods, thinking about the previous conversation for a minute, then she gives a fond roll of her eyes and turns to you with a soft grin, "I mean… you said it. Not me. I just said you need some excitement. I'm not the one that goes stargazing for fun."

"Right. And most of your suggestions were…" You hum in mock thought, "Illegal, no?"

"'s only illegal if you get caught, actually." Nat shoots back, "And where's your sense of adventure, huh?" She nudges you with her elbow, "Gotta live a little, Princess. I know that BuzzBall was probably the first time you've ever… partaken in something illegal."

You roll your eyes and lean your back against the railing as you turn at the waist to face her, "Sorry, I don't willingly rob stores for fun in my free time. My bad."

You think you see Nat's jaw twitch at the comment, making you think you said the wrong thing, but before you can dwell on it too long or too hard, she lets out a hollow laugh. "Yeah, well, certified adrenaline junkie and all that. What can I say? Robbing stores gives me a rush." But the words come out slightly strained—like she's not telling you the whole story.

She clears her throat, clearly eager to move on from that particular line of conversation. "Whatever. Still. Like I said, I can… get Kev to teach you how to skate. Or… hell, you ever kicked a soccer ball around before?"

"In PE, yeah. But that's about it."

"Hmm." The blonde considers this, "You any good at it?" You snort, "Hardly varsity material, but I'm not, like, terrible at it or anything."

"Yeah? Well, maybe I can show you how to be junior varsity material. Shouldn't be that hard to play better than a few freshies, yeah? Maybe I'll even teach you some soccer tricks." She grins to herself, "Teach you the basics of freestyling soccer balls."

"Mm, promising a lot here, Nat. First, you're saying that you'll teach me to play good enough to beat some "freshies" in soccer, then telling me you'll teach me tricks?" You click your tongue, "How do I know you aren't gonna completely bail on me?" "Oh, make no mistake, I don't go back on my word. If I say I'm gonna do something, then you can bet your sweet ass I'm gonna do it, yeah?" A toothy grin, "And that's the Scatorccio guarantee."

You snort, "Yeah, you say that like your last name holds a lot of value when it comes to trust—" 

The words are meant to be teasing, they come out in a teasing tone, but you still feel like a piece of shit the second they leave your mouth.

"I… I didn't mean it like that. Sorry. I wasn't thinking—"

"Nah, no," Nat shakes her head and waves her hands, "no. Don't worry about it. I'm not mad at you or anything." A grin, likely to ease your nerves, "You're not exactly wrong either. But I'm giving you my word anyway. Which… you should take." 

"Hm." You take some mock consideration to that, "I will take it for now. But I make no promises for whether I keep it or not."

"Won't regret it." Her grin becomes slightly more genuine, "Promise."

You spend the next… ten, fifteen minutes? talking to Nat on the steps of the library, actually getting to know each other, rather than those single-minded adventures that the two of you have been on the past little while.

You trade off on the typical "first date" questions: Favourite food (Hers is apparently pizza, which you said was boring, then she rolled her eyes and dropped "Ribollita" and refused to actually tell you what that means.), fast food (Said "Taco Bell" immediately.) music (Matches her. Veruca Salt, Blondie, Nirvana, The Pixies… you get the idea. You asked her if she played the music on tape decks. She said yes. You don't know if she's joking or not.), books (She called you a nerd. Then proceeded to say, "The Anarchist Cookbook".), least favourite teacher (Mr. Miller, who teaches Auto Shop and keeps telling her repair work is sloppy.), and most importantly: the meaning of life ("ask me after I've had a tab or two"??).

After spending the past three minutes trying to convince her you don't get straight A's in every class, you decide just to show her your most recent in Physics and you… realise you left your binder in your locker.

"Crap." You sigh as you peer into your backpack, "I think I left my Science binder in my locker."

Nat snorts, "Didn't you open your bag earlier to put away your textbook? How didn't you notice it then?" "Because I wasn't thinking about it then." You sigh and close your bag, "I need to grab it from my locker. I don't—" "I'll come with you. Need to head to the locker room and change into practice gear." She cuts you off, pushes herself off the stairs, and, much to your surprise, actually waits for you before she starts walking. You try not to act surprised by this as you grab your backpack and throw it over your shoulders. When she does catch you acting surprised, because of course she does, she grins and rolls her eyes. "I said I was coming with you. Which means I am following you, and you aren't following me. Therefore, I have to wait for you. I still don't wait for people to follow me, Princess."

You can't fight the way your eyes roll and lips purse at that comment, "Right." Once you're standing, the pair of you head off in the direction of your locker.

"Dude, your locker is all the way in the old science hall? Who the fuck goes here anymore? There are zero classes near this place anymore. It must take five minutes to walk from class-to-fucking-class." She mutters, more to herself than you, and shakes her head as you two reach your destination. "Yeah, if I could have chosen my locker, it would be in the English hall. Right in the center of all my classes. I'm also pretty sure I'm the only person who has their locker in this hall." You sigh as you start to fiddle with the lock, "I've basically only seen the janitor up here. I don't know what I did to piss off whoever assigned lockers, but here I am." A sigh leaves your lips as the lock clicks open, "Admin won't even let me move lockers." Nat snorts and leans on the locker adjacent yours, "Yeah, sounds about right. They don't actually give a shit about the students here. I mean, for all the money going into athletics, you'd think they'd give us uniforms that don't chafe." An exasperated roll of her eyes, "So stupid."

"Sounds about right. Didn't the money go to the boy's baseball team or something?" She seems slightly surprised you know that but gives a nod of her head. "Uh, yeah. That's right. Which makes no sense considering we won states last year, and this year we actually have a good chance of—"

Her eyes zero in on the binder you're grabbing. "Holy shit. Is that colour-coded?" Her jaw drops in awe (or shock?), and she takes it from your hands, flipping it open. "H-o-l-y s-h-i-t. It is."

"I like having things organized by unit, whether it's a worksheet or notes!" You defend yourself, grabbing the binder back from her with a huff, "Sue me, okay!"

"Shit, I should." She lets out a low whistle, "Damn. All this for a…" She peers at the test you were going to show her, "B? Damn, Princess. That's unfortunate."

"You're making fun of me." You murmur petulantly, slamming the binder shut and shoving it into your backpack, "What's your GPA then, huh?"

Nat hums as she considers that answer, "Three point three."

"Wait." You turn to look at her, "Seriously?"

She laughs, "Yeah, seriously. I can't play soccer if I'm failing all my classes. Just because I don't show up to class doesn't mean I don't do the work for them." A roll of her eyes, like it was an obvious answer. 

"Mm. And do you do the work for them, or do you pay some unsuspecting nerd—"

"What makes you think I have the money to pay anyone to do anything?" The girl cuts you off with a snort and crosses her arms, "Trust me, I do all my work myself."

"Hey, who said anything about money?" You grin at her, "You have… dubious tendencies. For all I know, you're paying them some other way." You offer a teasing shrug, "Like stolen BuzzBalls or…" A faux gasp, "Oh my God. Am I the unsuspecting nerd?" Nat scoffs once and looks away, "Yeah, right." Another scoff. Then another.

…wait. Is she blushing? Did you just fluster Natalie Scatorccio? On accident? 

Between the way she won't meet your eyes, fiddles with the hem of her shirt, her usually pale cheeks now with the faintest hint of colour in them, and she swallows nervously? Wow. You think you did. How the tables…

You don't get too long to reflect on that before she's seemingly recovered and trying to act unaffected. "What if I am, nerd?" She leans into your personal space, "Maybe I'm looking for an unsuspecting nerd to do more than just my homework."

Now you're the flustered one. Again. "Uh—"

"I mean, think about it." She licks her lips, "The unsuspecting nerd and the resident burnout. Talk about opposites attracting. I could show you so much shit." A feral grin crosses her features, and your entire body heats up without your consent, "I could make you feel real—"

You take a step back, putting up both a metaphorical and physical space between you two. "Natalie. I don't—"

"Don't what? Oh, come on, Princess. Don't act like you haven't been thinking about it. I'm not dumb. I've seen the way you've been looking at me. Don't act like—"

You look visibly uncomfortable. Flustered, yes, but also uncomfortable. You're wringing your hands together in a subconscious act of anxiety, and whether that's because of her proximity or the situation, you aren't quite sure. Either way, Nat notices this.

You swear you see something like guilt flash behind her eyes once she realises she made you uncomfortable, but no outward attempt at an apology is made.

Natalie clears her throat and takes a small step back, the bravado dropping in an instant. "Whatever." She crosses her arms again, "Whatever. Let's just…" Her jaw tenses, and she shakes her head. "Nevermind." 

There's some very tense air that passes between the both of you as you awkwardly close and lock your locker, neither of you bothering to glance at the other, letting the awkwardness fester.

It probably would have kept festering, too, had the sound of Natalie's phone vibrating not broken the silence.

"Goddammit, I swear to God if Jackie is—" Her mouth snaps shut as she looks down at her phone, and a slow grin finds its way onto her mouth. "Ooooh, fuck yes." She looks up at you, "Say, Princess, you doing anything tonight?"

"Uhhhh…" You shake your head, "No? I was just planning on staying at home and…" You shrug, "I dunno. Relaxing, or whatever."

"Mm. I have a better idea. You should come to a party tonight."

"Oh." 

"Oh? That's it?" Nat rolls her eyes, "Come on. What was it I said about needing to get out of your comfort zone? A party is the perfect time and place to do it!" She shakes her head (and hands), "Look, it's a bonfire. If things go poorly, you can just… sit and stare at the fire and ignore everyone."

An unsure breath leaves your lips as you consider all the possibilities in your head. Of course, your mind heads to the worst-case scenario first, like a completely normal person would.

"Dude, seriously." She says, softer this time. "No pressure. It's just… a bonfire party… no, get-together, with some friends. That's it, yeah? Not like the entire town is gonna be there." She reiterates, throwing some emphasis on the fact it's "just a bonfire get-together," as if that will soothe all your nerves.

More hesitation on your part, but you can't deny the curiosity that seeds its way into your mind at the idea of seeing Nat in her element for once. "I… I don't know, Nat. It really isn't my scene—"

"It doesn't have to be your scene. It's just gonna be the place you spend a single Friday night. That's it. Don't ever gotta come to one again if you decide you hate it. Won't even bring it up again. Promise."

Even more hesitation. Even more curiosity you can't shove down and hide, for better or worse.

You don’t belong in the scene she frequents. Not really. But the way she grinned—like you were some project she couldn’t wait to take on—made you want to, even if it was just for one night.

"Come on. Drinks are free. Maybe they'll have more coolers you can try. Really dip your toes into the world of alcoholic beverages." She snickers.

Man, peer pressure does work, doesn't it?

You’re not a party person. But then again, Natalie Scatorccio isn’t just a person—she’s the reason you’re even considering it.

"I can't believe I'm gonna say this…" You shake your head and sigh, "But… fine. Fine. I'll… I'll go to this stupid party."

A wide grin crosses her face. Wide and very pleased with herself. "Perfect. Good choice. Best choice, really. Won't regret it, promise." She pushes herself off the locker beside yours, "I gotta get to practice. But I will… see you tonight, yeah?"

"Yeah. Yes." You sigh reluctantly, "I will… see you tonight, Nat."

"Hell yeah, you will. Maybe I'll even convince you to crack a beer or two. Smoke a cigarette. Real delinquent shit." She laughs at that as she begins walking off toward the gym, "See you tonight, Princess!" Nat calls from over her shoulder, "I'll text you the address!"

You watch her leave, blinking a few times in shock that she was able to convince you to go to a high school party so quickly.

"Well." You mumble to yourself, "Guess senior year isn't the worst time to go to your first party." You rub your forehead, mildly frustrated with yourself and your ability to say no, "Goddammit."

Well. Guess you have a party to prepare for, huh?

a/n: can i be so real with yall for a sec

every time i type in "natalie scatorccio" on pinterest i start feeling weird after the first few minutes cus I'm like "damn I'm fr just staring at photos of sophie thatcher rn" but I suppose it could be worse. could be staring at photos of (insert ugly celebrity name here)

[ketamie]

when i decided i can just learn whatever i want and don't need to be scared of difficulty it's changed my life like crazy. this year I've read more books than in half my lifetime im pretty sure. i learned vim motions and use them every day now for work. im studying low-level programming just for fun & with no expectations and i made solutions in C i wouldn't have thought of doing in college. and that knowledge informs the code i write at work. ideally id be spending more time with german but being employed kind of kills the energy for that even though i really like my job. and there's so much more i want to learn i guess i really like my field of study and work and im super grateful in hindsight i chose this craft even though it was mainly inertia and nothing else. oh and i want to learn how to draw too. well whatever.

[welcometolansstudy]

1 nov 2024 - friday, 06:05

WAKE UP ! ITS HE 1ST OF THE MONTH !!!

how was your halloween?

was planning on updating yesterday before bed, but i slept at like 23:30 expecting my boyfriend to call and wake me up at around 2 am, when he didn't 🦧 it's okay tho, since now i've slept for 6 hours consecutively, rather than in two parts. i woke up just a few minutes ago out of sheer fear i had slept through my alarms and was late to work. fortunately, i still have an hour and 30 minutes before i start

yesterday after my shift, i ate dinner, took a shower and right after that i did a short workout (IT BURNNNEEED). in the morning, before my shift, i ate some breakfast and mainly just watched "Oshi no Ko" till i had to leave for work, so i didn't study whatsoever 🧍‍♀️ i hoovered my room and a bit of the house though!! as to editing my vlog... instead of editing, i chucked the thing away because i had moved some of the videos to my SD card, so VLLO saw it as my videos being deleted. i'll have to free up space on my normal phone storage and move every vlog video to there 😭 unless i'm gonna edit on my laptop, but tbh i really like editing on my phone.

today i have to work 07:30 - 12:00, and im my mind i was gonna take a big fat nap after, when i realised (literally as i was writing this morning post) that me and my childhood friend had said we'd meet today for lunch. i'll text her to see if we really are gonna do that, because i have a feeling she forgot as well AHVDAJJW

this is the friend i was talking about a few weeks ago, when we decided to reschedule. i hope we can see each other today, because i don't really like it if i have to reschedule and reschedule and reschedule every time, yk? i just want it to be over quickly (not bc i don't wanna see my friends, but my mind just gets clogged up with all these rescheduled dates).

my goals for today are:

- do a workout

- change from work clothes to nice clothes!

- don't spend too much money (mission impossible)

i don't really know what to put as my goals, since it's unsure whether i'm meeting up with my friend ... i guess we'll just have to find out

i hope you have a nice day!

[justlet-melive]

here’s a question :3 uh do you have like any favourite anatomy or reference books/texts. or any tips for doing study’s??

sorry if this is like annoying or weird idk i’ve just been a little obsessed with your art lately. the way you capture shape and movement is so fantastic. you have such a talent for capturing characters personality through visual quirks too. idk like the way you draw ellie tlou is so specific. it’s not exactly on model but it’s kind of better lol. i can instantly tell most of what you need to know about her. same with your recent astarions like idk you’ve just managed to capture a real physicality about him that i think can be hard. idk i’m maybe biased but i think without any exposure to the game you could probably guess how he moves and sounds from your art.

idk uh sorry if this is worded weird i feel like i always do that LOL okay though anyways i adore your art it’s just so distinct. i’d eat it if i could. i’d honestly do a lot to capture even a fraction of the magic you’re creating. okay hope this message finds you well BYE

no need to feel self conscious about doing me a kindness in the form of gratifying to read, thoughtful observations of my fanart!!!!

thank you. very late response because i wanted to respond with some equally thoughtful advice and also let my ego calm down a bit, but..

im 'lazy' and like to keep drawing for fun as easy as possible. So i dont have any reference books hm... You obviously look at art and are able to relay to yourself and others what you saw and felt. thats the skill you should always indulge. looking at all kinds of things youre drawn to and observing why. best ref! (thanks again btw, best feeling being on the receiving end of that. to be... astarion voice: Seen in the Eyes of Another)

I have studied (and continue to do so when i get the chance) figure drawing at my community college, which was a big leap. i ended up focusing a lot on the relationship between the ribcage/pelvis/flow of the spine at that time. still my favorite part of drawing lol. During my most recent artblock i started copying muscle anatomy pages from a Morpho book as a way to keep drawing without a proper fixation. which is great because i also love the weight of flesh :^D

if you'd like my 'woo-woo advice' it's to get lost in the process and less invested in the results. and never be embarrassed. it'll keep you drawing (behind every piece of successful fanart is a mountain of scrap drawings of Fictional Guy #2378 facing 3/4 left.) and its meditative!! cathartic? personally i like to have a song/playlist to keep up the emotion im trying to work out going throughout my drawing session. helps me tell if the expression im drawing feels 'right'

and on the topic of drawing off model--!! Anytime im onto a new character i do spend a few sessions tracing their proportions/copying their models. after i figure out more or less what about their original design makes that Character i like to lose the training wheels. artistic interpretation is more interesting for me to look at and create. and i think it frees you up to better convey a feeling. the more you draw something the more you settle into 'what works' but i never set out to draw the same way twice! usually never anyway

thank you again for taking time to observe my drawings, and relaying back what you saw and felt. it honestly makes my day(s) to the point i almost feel guilty about it

[s3ungm1nxxl0ve]

Pretty Pet // Lee Minho

This is a fanfiction!! It is NOT real!

Warnings: reader having money problems, readers mother leaving her, mean leeknow ( forgive me pls 😞🙏) , reader becoming a pet for leeknow, sort of blackmailing?? (Idk the word, im not english sryy), kissing

Let me know if I forgot

Not proof read!

(I AM NOT ENGLISH SO THERE MIGHT BE MISTAKES)

I rlly like it hehe might make part 2!!

———————————————————

Lee minho.

That was his name, the richest boy on campus

He was rich, filthy rich.

Yet also a mean person who never cared about others

He always comes to school in a limo or a rolls-royce, while you on the other hand, weren’t so stable when it came to money.

Your mother had left due to an argument when you were little, and you father was left to provide for the both of you.

You worked a few part-time jobs to bring more money in, yet it wasn’t always enough.

Which is why you vowed to study hard and become rich later, and to spoil your father for staying with you when your mother had left.

One day, he invited you to a party of his.

He walked up to you and said:”Hey (y/n)!! Im throwing my birthday party this weekend on sunday! Wanna come?”

You were surprised but agreed, since you didn’t have money to buy nice clothes you just wore a normal, simple dress to his party.

As soon as you arrived, Leeknow’s friends started laughing really hard.

You just stood there, clueless, while Leeknow came up to you.

“Are you serious? I give you an invitation to my party and you actually have the audacity to show up like this?”

“What?!” You were quite annoyed,

“Your too broke to buy nice clothes?” He mocked.

You just stared at him angrily.

“Well not everyone is born with a golden spoon yknow?..” you mutter out.

“I made this money myself, you peasant.”

And then the others laughed at your mistake, while you stood there embarrassed.

“Gosh youre so dumb.”

And that was it.

You snapped as you slapped him and ran away.

The guests were all flabbergasted.

It was so silent you could hear a pin fall.

You just got to the exit and dialed a taxi to brung you home.

Little did you know, it was probably not a smart choice to do that..

The next day came, you got ready and left for college.

Everyone was whispering about you and giving you mean glances.

You simply chose to ignore this and went up to your locker.

You opened your locker and out your stuff in it.

But then as you turned around you noticed someone behind you.

You looked up and saw Leeknow starring daggers at you.

“You think you’re going to get away with embarrassing me at my OWN party?”

You then pushed him away and went to your class.

After all your lessons you went to the school bathroom.

Leeknow silently followed you in the hall and before you got inside the bathroom he pinned you to the wall besides the door.

“Gotcha”

He whispered.

“Please stop” you said.

“Ill make your life a fucking hell, I’ll make sure your dad gets fired” he then answered.

“What?!- who do you think you are? You can’t just do that?!”

“Yes I can and I will.”

He gripped your wrist so hard it was painful.

“O-Ow.. you whimpered out

You started tearing up.

“Aww, is the little brat gonna cry?” He cooed.

After a while he said this: “you know what? Let’s make a deal, you become my pet and listen to every single thing I tell you to do, and in return I will spoil you, make sure your dad will keep his job.

I’ll let you have a little taste of how it is to be rich.”

He said.

“Y-Your pet?..” you mutter out confused.

“Correct, if you become my pet nothing bad will happen to you, trust me, I will spoil you and you can spend my money all you want.” He smirks.

Gently tucking your hair behind your ears and leaning in closer.

“C-Can I give some of that money to my dad?..” you whispered.

“Hmm, if you’re a good pet then I guess it wont hurt to do so.” He shrugged.

“Okay then..” you agreed…

“Good, now come with me, we’re skipping school to go on a.. what was it?.. a shopping spree or sum.”

You silently complied and walked behind him as he led you to his car.

You stepped in and immediately noticed the expensive smell of wood and vanilla mixed together.

Leeknow gave his driver a location to go to as you put on your seatbelt.

Soon you guys were driving through the city, with the sky a mix of orange and pink, the clouds looking beautiful.

Oh boy… was this a good idea?…

///////////////////////////////////////////

OKAY SO HOPE YOU GUYS LIKED IT!!

I wanna make part 2 sooo bad, I just hope people will see and read this thoughhhh

Anyways, if you read it all then thank you so so much!! ✨

[nonbinary-eddie-munson]

Finals week was killing Robin. She loved college, loved that the things that made her a weirdo in highscool actually were seen as cool in college. But finals week was going to kill her. She had been pulling late nights in the library every day this week, she was exhausted and just wanted to go home after a long night of studying, only Steve platonic love of her life was late to pick her up and also not picking up his damn phone.

It was well past closing at the library so she couldnt even sit inside until he finally got here meaning she was stuck sitting on the curb and hoping she didnt get kidnapped. Robin was debating just spending the $15 she didnt have on a uber home when a presence made itself known behind her.

Robin jumped to her feet at the sound of someone clearing their throat.

"Fuck! Please dont steal me and sell my organs on the black market, my family has a history of kidney disease so stealing them really really isnt worth it" Robin blurted as she whirrled around almost losing her balance with the quick movement, her hands coming up in front of her in a defensive position only to come face to face with the cutest girl she had ever seen.

"Im sorry i didn't mean to scare you" said the girl as she brought a hand up to stifle her giggles at Robins antics "i was just wondering if you were okay? Its pretty late and i didnt want to leave you out here without checking"

Robin pressed a hand to her chest taking in deep breaths to try and calm her racing heart. "Yeah im okay, my roomate is late picking me up but i think i might just uber home, dont wanna keep sitting out here until someone decides to come steal me and my organs" Robin replied with an awkward laugh "unless of course the uber driver moonlights as an organ stealer then i guess im out a genetically sub-par kidney".

The girl laughed for real this time not bothering to stifle it behind her hand as she smiled at Robin brightly.

"Your name is Robin right? I'm Chrissy, i work in the library part time I've seen you working late every night this week" the girl- Chrissy- said "i could give you a ride home if you want?"

"Oh no i couldnt ask you to do that" Robin replied waving her hands around for emphasis

"Please? I'd feel awful leaving you out here this late, I promise not to steal and sell your kidneys, especially since i know now that i wont make enough off them to cover tuition" Chrissy joked, smiling at Robin brightly.

'I'd give you both my kidneys and my heart if you just keep smiling at me like that' Robin thought, her brain going all fuzzy under the force that was a beautiful girl like Chrissy smiling at her like that.

"If you let me drive you home you can keep your kidneys but maybe we could talk about you giving me your heart over coffee once finals are over?" Chrissy said her smile somehow getting brighter

"Oh god i said that out loud didnt i?" Robin said burying her face in her hands, mortified.

"That you did, now come on im parked over this way" Chrissy said extending a hand out to Robin "we wouldnt want someone to steal your heart and kidneys before we can get that coffee"

"No" Robin replied, removing her hands from her face and reaching out to take Chrissys warm hand in her own "we definitely wouldn't want that"

[dykevanny]

haz i know absolutely nothign about zeno rpg but ur zeno au has intrigued me and im curious about it,,, i saw smth abt like. meomory loss and being handcuffed together and ik they eat ppl but thats it 😭 explain the au if u want ig bc im interested and i think thye look so silly. also bc u put vanny n will in my brain and they wont leave im shooing them with a boom and they are not moving

OK LET ME GET THE INFODUMP<3

So ummm Zeno au<3 I’m really normal. Allow me to give a brief explanation of what Zeno is first You see, Zeno is a fictional disease sort of thing that makes people cannibals. Specifically an oneset is caused by traumatic events/extreme cases of unrequited love(specifically mostly familial) and the only cure is eating the flesh of someone else with Zeno.(not widely known.) It’s also transmittable through biting like zombies. there’s one specific facility with scientists dedicated to getting to the bottom of how to cure zeno, also housing ‘patients’ (or, people with zeno being used as lab rats). Now onto character lore.

So william and henry were good friends right. Yeah. Considering that they even have a small diner together. Well one day will got zeno (oh no!) and started slowly picking off kids going to the diner. He even accidentally attacked Charlie, who escaped in one piece luckily. Charlie went to the afton household to see if he was doing okay (because will’s like an uncle to her and all! And also what if everyone else got hurt?) only to find will ate them all oops. And yeah same happened to her, but since he transmitted zeno to Charlie he was cured! How convenient! The people in charge of the labs ended up roping him and henry into being scientists for them through shady shady means and well the two aren’t on good terms and avoid each other like the plague. Henry’s still sore over the ‘you ate my fucking daughter’ thing. Luckily he has his assistant/the archivist (tape girl) to keep him company. So Vanessa right! Crazzy I know. Nessa as we know comes from a broken family. In this specific au I’m mixing her backstory with the character who’s place she’s taking (hi kuro) so basically her parents. Neglect her. In favor of her younger sibling because she was born from her mom’s affair and blablabla… she grows up basically taking care of herself. Eventually she develops zeno and starts you know. Killing and eating random girls as you do. When one night she comes home and is confronted by her parents about this!! And well you can guess. What happens to them lol. She gets captured and taken to the zeno facility where she’s specifically studied/talked to by William! They’re funny bc nessa hasn’t had anyone willingly spend so much time around her and be so nice to her. Will … well she’s a specimen to him lol. Since being cured himself zeno has been a subject of interest to him, he’s thrown himself completely into his work (under the guise of feeling soooo guilty for his actions which henry can see right through) and well. He’s realized the consumption of human flesh has something to do with it, since eating Charlie cured him. So he’s been …. Robbing the morgue/killing people when needed to feed vanessa every time they meet. Which, she’s more docile when she’s not hungry so it kind of works but she’s not like cured you know. It has the side affect of her being hungry when it’s time for someone to chat with her though which was funny the one time henry had to go in will’s stead cause he offered her a granola bar and she was like 😐 ew.?? Anyways will has gotten her total trust because he also plays board games with her yay!! He’s the only one not enforcing the whole straightjacket-dog muzzle combo also so she’s like woah !! He sees me as another human unlike these other guys :DD (needless to say zeno patients are not treated very humanely.lol) there was also one time tape girl had to be a substitute for william but nothing of note happened they just kinda chilled and ness threatened her in a backhanded and mildly gay sort of way.as you do.

Anyway yeah so basically Henry’s been experimenting with treatment through amnesia and totally surely unrelated note at the actual start of the story, Will and Nessa wake up in a strange room with no clue who they are or how they got here, and have to navigate the now bloody and corpse-strewn facility while handcuffed together with nothing to guide them except each other and the only clue to their pasts is tampered resumes which effectively switch their backstories!! Nessa is under the impression that she’s the scientist (the whole cannibalism part was left out) and she thinks William is the serial murderer/cannibal. Which was funny cause she read her own resume like wow… I’m kind of a big deal huh :) and then read Will’s like ERM.OKAY… Will didn’t read either of the resumes. Also tape girl gave everyone code names and said code names were swapped on the resumes also! So ‘bonnie’(nessa) and ‘vanny’(will) are just kind of cluelessly walking around like damn this place is really… corpsey:) until henry starts showing up and trying to kill them (he contracted zeno big surprise) and also tape girl (assumed dead) shows up sometimes just to see how things are going. Lots of shenanigans and also murder ensue.

The game also has multiple endings so. sometimes nessa ends up killing william lol. Intestine jumprope…. … ……… Also side note.will found out it’s specifically zeno infected humans that need to be fed to patients to cure them but kinda. Didn’t cure nessa on purpose<3 because she’s sort of entirely dependent on him in this way and she’s kind of his only friend.the same way he’s her only friend……wacky wild!

Tape girl is having a fucking.day. Because henry mentioned he was going to do something but likeee. She didn’t expect to be caught in the crossfires of a HUGE MASS MURDER CANNIBAL EVENT.AS LIKE ONE OF THE 4 PEOPLE STILL ALIVE IN HERE,.. once he chilled out henry explained himself and she agreed to help out (she also decided to distribute some of her recorded notes.just for fun…after the two get separated for the first time ‘vanny’ listens to them and is like woah… i was a patient here⁉️ And bon was my unethical doctor⁉️⁉️ which is funny) but like. She is the only one NOT infected in here and would like to keep it that way so she’s having quite the time. Seeing vanessa walking around unrestrained keeps jumpscaring her LOL. Once ness’s zeno symptoms start returning well ofc will as the only one she’d encountered here who she cares about is the first target but tape girl nearly gets chomped too lol.

Zeno has an interesting affect on the subjects mood which is funny. Basically when an oneset happens and the person with zeno is running around eating people they’re in a crazed manic state which. Is really fun.will and nessa are wandering around handcufffed and he’s like uhh bonnie you okay cause her facial expressions.well they went from the example on the left to the one on the right.

It’s funny bc. The memory erasure actually technically did work… her symptoms only started returning bc she got bit LOL

Pre-the amnesia incident the other three’s interactions with vanessa were pretty.limited. Considering she’s theeee most dangerous patient. Will talks to her for like an hour daily but Henry only really knows her as ‘william’s mutt’ (he was especially not a fan when he found out will had been FEEDING HER HUMAN FLESH.) and tape girl is afraid of her but also. Kind of endeared from their two in person interactions. The second one in which vanessa tried to convince her to let her cannibalize her but hey she was very polite about it..!! Henry and tape girl are both shocked and stunned that she’s actually pretty chill when she’s not insane and eating people.

TL;DR

^these fuckheads are almost all cannibals and beating each other up forever

[quodekash]

OUR SKYY 2 IS HERE ITS FINALLY HERE THIS IS NOT A DRILL

first lemme make myself an ice tea and then we’ll get into the ridiculous commentary (which will probably be entirely keysmashes but anyway) 

fingers crossed for something benchopper 

also i find it rly interesting that the series i finished with when going through all the our skyy shows is the one that theyre start with 

also also idk anything about the order for our skyy but i do know that there’s no way bad buddy isnt the final one 

ICE TEA HAS NOW BEEN ACQUIRED, NOW WE SHALL COMMENCE THE COMMENTARY (that a lot of you seem to like, why do you like my commentary) 

literally shaking what the hell

STOP IM GONNA CRY, HE HAS HIM AS HIS LOCK SCREEN???? 

WE’RE LITERALLY LIKE TEN SECONDS IN AND IM ALREADY FILLED WITH TEARS 

IM SORRY, IT’S BEEN THREE FREAKING YEARS??? WHY WERE WE NOT AWARE OF THIS INFORMATION 

ok so judging from the intro, it’s nlmg first, and then simm, then THE ECLIPSE MY BOYS AAAAAA, AND THEN VICE VERSA, AND THEN MSP HEGUERIHBGKREJB, im literally vibrating with excitement rn help, and then abaab, AND THEN BAD BUDDY GERJHBGUKREJBKGURBJ, AND THEN 1000STARS 

ITS LITERALLY HAPPENING IN FRONT OF MY EYES RN AND I STILL CANT BELIEVE THIS IS REAL 

HOLY BAJOOLIES 

HE HAPPY

HE;S SO FREAKING EXCITED TO SEE HIM 

NO STOP IM GONNA CRY AGAIN 

palms hair is so freaking pretty what the hell 

i sense a sponsorship

palm is so happy to see him and he’s trying to be sweet but nueng is moody and i guess i get why but also pls just be happy to see him again 

okay they are happy now yayyy 

yup i was right theyre sponsored by suzuki thats kind of hilarious 

damn, two sponsorships within like ten minutes of each other, they really went all out 

CRYING AGAIN, THAT’S PERFECT 

well that guy was confusing. ‘you guys are soulmates and youre fate but also you cant be together but you will be but you wont’ 

HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT THEM, NUENG WAS ABOUT TO SAY HE’S DECIDED TO STAY IN BANGKOK AND FINISH HIS STUDIES THERE RATHER THAN OVERSEAS 

bRO HAS A SWORD?? I WANT A SWORD 

also like oh shoot they might be about to die 

but also just imagine walking around every day with a sword 

the power 

id never like actually hurt anyone with it and id probably rarely take it out of the sheath 

but seriously. sword. its so cool. 

not cool that theyre probably about to hurt nuengpalm and probably that poor woman 

holding hands and running for their lives, absolutely nothing new here 

heh i paused it at a funny moment 

he’s such a good bodyguard/protector/boyfriend/whatever ghrjgbhr 

ill show you what happens to heroes. they wake up in historical clothing. 

why are the roles suddenly reversed 

and why is palm the only one with knowledge of the present time and the only one without a clue about whats going on in this au  version of events 

DAM OKAY THAT WAS QUICK 

see, at first i was pretty sure he was faking it cos it didnt make sense that only palm was aware of the present, surely it would be both of them, but then he confused me, but its fine cos he remembers him YAY 

IM SORRY, LITERALLY ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS THAT ONE TIME IN BBC MERLIN WHERE MERLIN GAVE ARTHUR AN ORDER 

ALSO PALM IS LITERALLY JUST DOING WHAT NUENG DID AND ITS SO FUNNY 

wait this entire thing is a complete repeat of the series just switched and historical

their first major interaction was being introduced via parent sending child to work for the other child 

their second major interaction was at the pool, and in this version its by the lake 

their third major interaction is the master making the servant eat with them because ‘theres too much food for me to eat by myself’ when really its just bc he wants to spend time with him 

wait please let chopper and ben be in this historical version of life 

phum is there 

surely its plausible to think that benchopper could be there too 

i freaking love these two 

IM SORRY????? WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT 

NOOOOOO I WAS WRONGGGG

NOOOO CONFLICT 

its okay tho theyll iron out the conflict, its fine 

see, they figured out the conflict 

well that was wonderful but it is now 1am so i need to go to sleep 

goodnight folks! im gonna spend the next 24 hours Thinking About Them 

[khodorkovskaya]

Like, those things all meant something to you too! That's a v important thing to you and in a relationship. People are meant to be supportive of each other, like, why couldnt he chear you on or show enthusiasm and encouragement towards you

yeah! and he never did! about anything!

idk if it's bc my period is coming up or bc i spent the night at my parents' place yesterday and that brought back old memories, but i thought about him again last night and cried. more specifically i remembered how i caught him watching porn... and it really broke my heart and still does.

i don't remember if i told this story here before but i'll tell it again bc it's such a clear example of what kind of behaviour to avoid in men.

so in my second year of uni i got really depressed. there was covid, i didn't see the point of studying anymore, i hated everything and our relationship was also going nowhere. im not gonna get into the details of it, but the important thing to know is that i was depressed. i lost weight, would burst out crying out of nowhere, i was a mess.

and when you're depressed, well, you have no libido. it felt like everything was frozen down there. i couldn't get my coochie to cooperate. and, as my ex never made any particular effort to console me or provide me with the least amount of care and compassion a depressed person could need, i didn't feel particularly motivated to sleep with him either.

and just as a side note, i talked about my depression a lot. my parents really helped me thru it and i started going to therapy so that it wouldn't get worse, i really tried my best to let it be known that i was depressed and that i needed help. and when it came to the sex stuff, i would also explain it to my ex, so that he wouldn't feel undesired. i even made a list of things that turn me on for him in at attempt to make things easier for him. (he didn't care at all about the list btw. bc things that turn me on aren't sexual enough i guess. it was mostly things like cuddling, having deep conversations, looking into each others eyes, romantic gestures, etc. it was too boring for him i guess.)

so anyway, time goes by and our sex life gets more and more frustrating. bear in mind he had previously told me on several occasions that in his mind cheating and not telling your partner about can be justified. he'd sometimes bring up things like "when couples get older, they usually don't have sexual chemistry anymore and the dad goes after the young secretary, you know what i mean hahaha? that's probably gonna be us one day hahahahaha". and coming from a family where the dad did leave the family for a younger woman, that really stood out to me. so even if he meant it as a joke, it was not funny to me at the slightest.

and so here i am, feeling sexually useless, my boyfriend telling me that im not trying hard enough and that he feels offended that i don't find him desirable anymore (even though i had told him a million times that that wasn't the issue) and then it hits me like shit.... here we go... he's gonna cheat on me just like he said. i can't provide him with what he needs, so he's gonna go find someone else.....

so every time we had sex it felt like it was some kind of exam i had to pass to keep him. i became overly conscious about what i did and how i acted in bed, i started feeling fat and started hating my body, it was horrible. and naturally, the sex became even worse. and so he became more and more pushy. and it became this vicious cycle.

bear in mind that as i said, i had made that list of things that turn me on. and plus i would also tell him that i felt like going on a date could maybe make things a bit better. we could spend some quality time together, have deep conversations, eat something nice and the romance could turn me on, it would be a win-win. but he never took me out on a date, not once 🙃

so the whole thing started in like april 2020 and it was reaaaally bad in winter 2021. and now it was setember 2021 and still no date, constant reminders of how im not good enough from his end every time we have sex and frustration upon frustration upon frustration.

summer is coming to an end and he's like "ohh we haven't gone hiking this year, let's go hiking, that could be your date". and im like shit, i don't like hiking. but he pushes me to do it. (and to be fair it was quite fun, but the point is he organised the camping trip for himself and not to please me.) so we're in the car, on our way to the mountains. i open his phone to look up google maps and... there's porn. gangbang porn. my whole world starts to crumble.

of course i cant live upto his expectations in the bedroom! im up against porn actresses! women who do this for a living! it's like comparing a regular person to a supermodel, like you can't compete with that. here i am, a regular girl without any spicy sexual fantasies, low self esteem and depression. my boyfriend prefers watching violent porn to making love to me and the only way to get him back is... to be better than porn actresses...? it's a lost cause, isn't it?

so im there like fuckkkk and he starts nervously laughing like "oopsie, you caught me ahaha". and i have two options: either A, confront him about it or B, suck it up and postpone the conversation until the end of the hike. and we're already at the mountains at this point. confronting him would mean making a uturn and ruining the "date" i was begging him for months for. maybe this hike could be my chance to get him back? he loves hiking, so if i show interest in hiking, maybe he would love me and be more compassionate with me! so i choose option B.

after walking for two days straight, the hike is finally over and we get home. im exhausted, my legs hurt like hell. as we lie in bed, he wants to have sex with me. i say "not now, im sooo tired", hoping that he will understand. we just came back from a two day hike! he will undestand, right? but of course he doesn't and he gets angry at me again. "this is why i watch porn," he says. and i want to die.

so i tell myself, i will do anything for him. i will prove to him that i can do it, that im capable!

(ive always had a deep fear of making the first move and initiating sex. what if he thinks that im a slut? what if i do something wrong and he will think it's weird?)

and so, despite my fears, i decide to sacrifice it all for him. my legs are in pain, my heart is pounding in my ears because im terrified, i feel like this is my last chance to get him to like me. so i roll over and start kissing him. the adrenaline is crazy, i feel like it's life or death. im holding back tears, as im thinking about the women in the porn videos he watches.

and my worst fear comes true.

he just lies there.

he doesn't kiss me back, he doesn't put his arms around me. he just lies there.

and im like fuck. here we go. im weird. im ugly. im useless. he's already made up his mind. fuck, maybe i deserve to be cheated on, im so worthless. it literally feels like my whole existence is falling apart. im devastated.

so i pull back from the kiss and ask him if he's okay. and he says "you see now? this is how i feel". he basically decided to punish me for saying no to sex earlier.

so yeah... it really broke my heart... and i don't know when it will heal. because i still think about it sometimes and it makes me cry.

and it really sucks because this whole thing could've been avoided if back in 2020 when my depression had just began, he'd just said "hey babe, you're not in the mood? that's okay! we can just cuddle and watch a movie if you want. im always here for you no matter what. we'll figure things out together, don't worry about it, okay? i love you!". that alone would've made me want to have sex with him. maybe if he had said that, my depression wouldn't have lasted as long as it did. i wouldn't have had the body issues and the self esteem issues and a broken heart... but it turned out his penis was more important than all of that.

[occasionally-intelligent]

okok so I was struck by the lightning idea bolt or whatever you want to call it and I have to share it with someone because I my hands refuse to draw it or continue the story. also this turned out way longer than expected so... enjoy??

we start with this business guy and he's all serious and he made the "world's funniest movie" a few years back and everyone still knows him for it. two days ago, this new random kid decided to make a short film on youtube and it goes absolutely VIRAL. the kid is an overnight sensation and their short film is dubbed the "world's funniest movie". now, the business guy, the one with the previous funniest movie, will not stand for this.

he emails the kid like "yo wanna intern for me, heard you're good at funny things" and the kid just replies "nah, thanks tho. i'm kinda finishing college rn and don't have time for that." the kid's majoring in psychology or something and just made the film on the side for fun. business guy can't stand this kid one bit so he emails back with "ok im coming to your college and imma interview you, sound good?" college kids like "ok! cool!!" this is college kids first time meeting a 'celebrity' and they're very excited.

business guy shows up and is all serious still and the kid just kinda floats through the campus, everybody knows them and they're some sort of almost celebrity but nobody knows business guy. business guy reads this as the kid stealing his thunder but really the kid just helps everyone with their homework or gives them therapy or something.

at this point, business guy hasn't watched the short film yet, he's just mad that this kid stole his title, so when the kid asks what he thought of the film he straight up lies. his lies get to the point where he's just making up this wild story but he's somehow guessing the plot all right. it gets to interview time and the questions start off basic like "what are you studying?" and "where are you from?" but they start to get more and more unhinged as the interview goes on as business guy starts to find something, anything that this kid has done wrong.

after a while, business guy just storms out of the room altogether and sits on a bench outside and thinks about his life. has some introspective thinking like "woah maybe now i'll go be a circus performer or go spend the rest of my life in a retirement home im so old ive wasted my life blah blah blah" eventually the kid comes out and the guy is still on the bench. the kid starts psych-majoring the crap out of this man.

"you're literally 37 years old, my grandpa's 87 right now and refuses to go into a retirement home. why are you so upset that i made a funnier film than you did? shouldn't this be a learning experience for you? why'd you come all the way out here to see a random college kid? it's not like i'm a celebrity or a well-known name like you. you've been in the industry for years, you were my inspiration for this whole thing."

that's when business guy kinda has a returning-to-life moment and idk maybe the movie's been in a greyish tint or monochromatic this whole time and just then the kid shows up in different colors. "i... inspired someone?". psych major kid is like 'ur so dumb' and starts listing mr. man's achievements and movies and all that jazz, a few kids nearby start whispering about business guy and then they show up in color too. business guy is as surprised about the color showing up as the viewers are, but none of the other characters notice it.

psych major kid takes business guy on a tour of sorts around the campus, but he doesn't point out the buildings, he points out the people. "that's riley. his parent's weren't good to him at home when he came out, so he spends his breaks here and we make sure there are plenty of people he knows that stick around for every part of the breaks so he's not alone." "see her over there? that's jess. they're majoring in microbiology for the money and she's not very good with people, but they're wicked on the guitar. one time i even got her to play in the talent show and she decided to write an album. it's not big, but their fanbase is growing and it's good to see her happy." "beatrice and tj. one's the school's newspaper editor in chief and the other is a conspiracy theorist. they got into a fight one time and have somehow been best friends since. they have a joint blog somewhere, it moves urls monthly, that they write face-offs on. tj writes about how no, the birds are not spying on us, while beatrice will bring up all of this evidence that makes you wonder if birds really are real."

with each story, more and more color returns to the business guy's vision and then he has an epiphany moment. "so you're saying i should just try again and try harder to make an even funnier film???" psych kid goes "sure, whatever floats your boat bro" and then just kinda walks off. business guy sprints to his car and speeds away, but speeds a little too fast and gets into an accident before he gets there.

does he die? does he make the movie? is the movie actually funny or is it more slice-of-life? does it become a mentor-mentee thing but reversed where the psych kid is the mentor to business man? idk, i kinda wrote until it got to the end and fell apart. anyways, thanks for reading!!

[tera-91]

Wild month ...

I cant believe I went all spooky season without posting.

Well I wrote something and left my computer for a few hours and I don’t know what happened but all that I wrote that morning was just gone.

No, like a silly person I did not save before I left but there was another word doc I had open too that I hadn’t saved but that one was recovered …

Anyway it wasn’t too informative other than I was nervous about what might happened when my manager came back from leave. Honestly it was almost too accurate…

I walked in and my hands almost immediately started to shake with barely a good morning. It took less than an hour for this manager to get grumpy about something that was going on I don’t remember what it was. I could tell the schedule was going to be an issue since this manager kept checking out the next schedule the other manager put out throughout the day. To my *not* shock this manager asked why I wasn’t scheduled outside my availability as far as working in the evening. Not that this manager cared that I was scheduled EVERY day I usually have off or that I had two days off that I typically work due to a thing my sibling and I are going to. Oh no that was not a concern but the fact that I was not scheduled to work the late shift.

The whole time this manager has been gone Ive been putting in job applications either to get a second job or to just have a back up plan if I reach my breaking point again.

Part of me has considered to just quit … again. Once I get into the program I want to at school if the last years schedule is going to be similar to this new year coming up I would be in class the majority of the day 3 days a week. I already work, typically 4 days a week.

The way the schedule currently is, I’m not completely sure how to write it out. So I would have class on at least 2 days I’m typically off of work. I usually work on a day I would have to have class and there’s no switching that class day around so the only way for me to keep the number of hours is for me to work on the third day I typically have off or for me to work a few hours on probably at least 2 of the days that I have class without going beyond the time of day I can work.

Basically I just wouldn’t have a day off between the two at all or if I worked on a day or two I would have class I might have one day a week free. That’s like 50 hours a week just in work and class not including any kind of homework. I think its recommended you spend 2 or 3 hours per credit hour between homework and studying. That’s another like 18 to 30 hours. So that inflates my week to nearly 70 or 80 hours. I know some people do that routinely but still.

I have a difficult enough time just making sure I get assignments in on time and making time to study since I work the day before exams as it is.

I know that is a while away so I don’t think too much about it other than I need to find something else before that happens. Hell with the way the manager made me feel on day 1 of us working together after their return Im like I need to put a heavy foot on the grind to get my side projects done. Just need to get something to the point that I would feel comfortable to not work. The second day wasn’t much better. Getting all huffy and puffy because I am not an octopus and cant do 3 things at the same time. Without going into too much detail I was working on an immediate two part issue that would take less than 2 minutes to resolve since at the time I was already half way done when this manager said no that I was to do something else now. This thing *couldn’t* wait even though there was not an immediate issue with it other than I guess this manager was afraid they were going to inadvertently throw it out since they were going around the place throwing stuff out. I swear this individual asks questions with little to no context but doesn’t give me enough time to even register what they are referring to. That or they want something done and I just got to the point of absolutely not. I mean I think I was asked to do two or three things last shift that the manager ended up asking my coworker to do since I still doing what was previously asked on me. I’m not slow at my job but also when we have so many interruptions and tasks randomly asked of us not immediate to what we are doing. I almost said to just write me a list of the items you want me to complete in the next idk how long was left in the shift but I would get them all done.

Anyway, due to this manager’s task allocations (which in my opinion they give themselves too much busy work or whatever that makes things harder for them that they give out tasks they could more aptly complete) the next shift is more than likely going to start “behind the ball.” Which means I’m going to have to clean it up on my next shift.

This manager is back and with less than a handful of shifts working with this individual I’m back to being a jittery mess. I don’t want to go to work knowing they will be there. I’m practically holding my breath every time they speak. Watching every word I say, I try to joke to make light of the stressful environment, but it just gets thrown back at me. Or waiting to see if im going to be on the end of a conversation that feels like an interrogation. Wondering if they will go off about something. Say something that makes me feel dumb (I’m a bit dyslexic especially with numbers and I haven’t been diagnosed officially but my sibling says I have adhd so I do know I make little mistakes here and there but not anything that someone else doesn’t sometimes do as well). FFS Im up at 4am writing this because I cant sleep and ive been up for over an hour, maybe 2 at this point already. It’s fine since I have the day off as im writing this but still. How many more nights will I sleep maybe 4 or 5 hours before waking up unable to fall back asleep.

I hate to sound like a broken record. Mostly because I tell myself that I will do these things and then procrastinate and not do them. I’m going to do my best to hold myself to it. The only thing I think I can do is, well hopefully not burn out while doing it, but to spend as much time as possible on my side projects. Something. Maybe on my days that I work its just an hour but on the days im off its at least 3 to 5 hours. Spend time writing and editing and recording. Like the days that Im off that I have the mental capacity to it ill write, record and do the creative editing, while on the days that I work ill do the things that are a little less mentally draining like just the audio scrubbing.

[nyaqtn]

(∪｡∪)｡｡｡zzZ 18/4/2024; [5:16 pm]

im in my visual merchendising class right now and i have nothing to do... okay i wont lie , i have something to do but i dont want to do anything.. so :3 here i am !!!

i still have seven hours of school ahead of me... TT

at least im not toooo tempted to spend time outside, its raining and im glad im cozy and inside ( ∩´͈ ᐜ `͈∩)

after school, ill have to study ..i have a test tomorrow .. and im not prepared tooo well..sooo ill prepare today!!

i have three hours of politics class today.. idk how im gonna survive.. i need fun online games to play.. in order to pass time...aaaa..... theres tons of exams coming up and just thinking about it bores me ...i just want to have fuunnn and spend time outsideeee ..

i used to play the guitar.. almost every other day!! as i used to go to a music school, i got weekly lessons there and i even played electic guitar/bass in a band !! i really really reeaallyyy miss it soooo much.. playing the e-guitar for me is something like.. i guess you could call it a 'lost passion' ?? if that makes sense (´-﹏-；) it was something that kept me going and i really miss having enough time to practise TT i wish i could just pick up lessons again and have a fixed spot reserved for playing ... but with the amounts of schoolwork i have .. its not happening anytime soon.. ive been wanting to continue guitar lessons for 2 years now .. i even had a teacher pick out at some point but.. im just scared it will ruin the fun i have playing and turn it into a chore rather than a hobby ... lets just see where life takes me for now ヾ(･ω･`;)ﾉ

update: its some hours later now !!!! im in the train on my way back home hihi

currently listening to my j-pop playlist :3 i LOVVE riding the train/bus, listening to music and writing - i used to write poems on my way home from school.. maybe ill pick that up again aswell!!

i got my hair done yesterday and im not sure what to think of it yet.. im sure ill like it eventually.. it just has yet to grow on me..

i really want to try long but REALLY REALLY layered hair.. i wish i could get my hair to grow faster but ! i guess waiting teaches me patience ≖‿≖

ive been obsessed with croissants recently. my brother told me he likes to dip his into pistachio yoghurt .. i want to try so badly... ohmagooddbds.... i tried a crookie (croissant stuffed with cookie dough) today.. it was SO yummy ...

could continue writing for hours but i think ill use this motivation for some schoolwork TT

[chaeinedup]

Will you hold me ?

It's been a while since you saw the light of day and not by choice. Exam season was kicking your ass, therefore you had no choice but to spend your nights studying as hard you could. So sleep was during the day. Your sleep schedule was a mess, your meals consisted of energy drinks and string cheese.

But at least you weren't alone, through all the chaos you had Daehyeon with you, unfortunately his sleep schedule was as bad as yours. And being as supportive as he is, he always made time for you and your mental breakdowns. You'd call in a frenzy, frustrated with yourself and your life choices that led you to this point, while he just tried to calm you and see the positive side of things.

"Daehyeon I think I'm gonna drop out. I can't handle this anymore. I think college isn't for me."

"Y/n, what would you tell me if I said I was gonna give up on producing and the music industry in general ?"

"I'd call you crazy and yell at you for wasting years of hard work and talent... yeah I get it you're trying to make me follow the advice I give to others but this is different. I feel myself going nuts."

"Babe no one said it was gonna be easy, nothing ever is. How many times did you think about quitting because of an exam and then you actually did really good ? It's not fair for you to be this hard on yourself. Not to mention its 4am, you should definitely be sleeping."

"I still have so much to go through, and it seems there's not enough time for everything and I can't even make a decent meal and-"

"When was the last time you ate ? And what exactly did you eat?"

You looked very guilty and hesitated in answering. By your reaction he knew it had been too long since and he didn't even want to know what concaution of a so called "dinner" you had made.

"I'm coming over and im bringing food, ill be there in 20."

He hung up, not giving you a chance to refute his proposal, like he knew you would.

After what felt like an eternity, your doorbell rang. Excited, you ran to the door. Outside the door Daehyeon could hear your running, resembling a enthusiastic golden retriever. He smiled to himself wondering if you could get any cuter.

You opened the door faster than the speed of light with the biggest smile on your face.

"Who knew you'd look this pretty at this hour??"

His rethorical question made you blush, making you want to hide somewhere and so you did, in his chest, with the warmest hug he had felt in a while.

"..stop saying that.... you know how i get..."

"Yeah and I love seeing you like that."

You withdraw yourself from him giving him space to enter your apartment. You looked at the white bag he brought with him and tried to guess what it was. Quickly it clicked, normally he brings food from a fast food chain or leftovers from the dorms, but seeing everything wrapped so nicely you knew it had so much love and care into it. Something only a mother would be able to do.

"Is that what i think it is...?!!!"

"She made me keep it a secret, it's your favorite!"

"Oh my god, when were you with her ?? I miss her I hope she's doing well!"

"She's doing great but she wasn't too happy with you and your concept of a proper meal."

"You rated me out to your mom?? That's so low Daehyeon!!"

"She cares for you as much as I do, and she made this hoping it would open your appetite a bit more. Resulting in you actually craving meals instead of snacks."

"You really are your mother's son. Thank you, to both of you, and I’ll make sure to thank her with a very well written text!"

You kissed him on the cheek, leaving him standing in the living room while you headed to the kitchen with the food. He had a shine in his eyes, that you couldn't see, but he hoped you could feel it. Right now and every day, all the time, he loves you more than he will ever understand. It's not like he wants an explanation on why his heart flutters when you look at him, or call his name. He's just glad he gets to have you all for himself in this lifetime, and if he's lucky enough in the other ones too.

Time stopped for him but not for you, you plated everything as fast as you could, you wanted to be as close to him as possible, savouring the few hours you had before he had to go to work and you had to head to classes. A couple that never sleeps will surely stay together for a long time.

Finally you were done and brought everything to the coffee table in front of the couch, you two have the habit to sit on the floor while eating and afterwards cuddling on the couch. And today was no exception.

The food was amazing, just like you knew it would be. A mother's love will always make you feel better, doesn't matter in what form it comes. Sometimes it's with words or acts of service such as this delicious feast, or through people. Daehyeon was one of many ways his mother expressed love to others, the way she raised him reflected how pure her heart his. So her son's is just as noble as hers.

"Daehyeon ?"

"Yes my love?"

"Will you hold me ?"

"Always at any time, anywhere."

He wrapped his arms around you, not even bothering to leave the carpet. Doesn't matter where he is, you will always e his number one priority.

[daffodilfool]

Diary Entry.

Wednesday 04-10-2023

It's spooky month

i missed the first couple days but god damnit who cares

I keep this diary for ME and MYSELF ONLY!

i had a thought this morning which i dont know how to feel about it

i find a strange comfort in knowing the last thing ill ever remember is Outer Wilds

when im 90 years old and riddled with alzheimers and dementia and i've forgotten who i am, who my friends and family are, and everything ive ever made, i will still cry when i hear the calm guitar of timber hearth and the rushing water of the geysers

theres a tumblr post i think of from time to time, while its not exactly a poem in the traditional sense i do think it would be fair to call it such

"I hate it when I can't even write a poem about something because it's too obvious. Like in the aribnb I was at I guess it used to be a kid's room cause you could see the imprint of one little glow in the dark star that had been missed and painted over in landlord white. Like that's the poem already what's the point? You get it. You get the themes. I don't have time to do it justice. Just look at it. It's on the ceiling."

[Permalink to the tumblr post]

theres a lot of stuff like this

i too have a painted over glow in the dark star in my room

well

a chunk of it

the adhesive stuck to the wall so well we couldnt get it off and the arm snapped leaving only the tip glued to the wall

i still see it through the paint sometimes and wonder if someone in the future will see it and think about it when we eventually move out of the house

fossils too

a living being from millions of years ago frozen in time, quite literally set in stone

as little as a half mandible is enough to reconstruct an entire animal and its life

the lives of those around it

here we are, millions of years later, fawning over a rock with an odd shape

we give it life

we give it personality

we study every inch of its remains all to craft a story of the unknowable world before us

part of it is pursuit of knowledge, sure

but deep down do we really ponder the past because WE want to?

or do we remember the lost souls who have slumbered within the earth for eons to keep the memory of those who are no longer with us alive

Death in life is the death of the body, yes, but so long as you've made a mark, any mark, any sign of your existance, did you ever truly die?

Outer Wilds is poetic

it drives us to find out the dreams and goals of the Nomai

and we say we do it because we want to figure out the mystery

but if it really was just that, how come i still think about Outer Wilds despite knowing everything that happened

to the Nomai

to the Hearthians

to the Owlks

I'm done with Outer Wilds

I've done everything

theres nothing more for me to learn

and yet i keep returning to the game

if for no other reason than to simply say hi to the Hearthians

and to honour the dreams of the Nomai

and to help the Prisoner move on

why is it that when i open the game i spend my first 10 minutes simply standing in the middle of the town and listen to the rushing waterfall and the soothing music

and why is it that when i hear the banjo and the crackles of the Hatchlings campfire get lit, I cry?

by the time im old

when my brain has rotted

i will be looking through everything ive ever written

everything ive ever said

ill be looking through this very diary

you wont remember me

you wont remember baba

you wont remember thyme, or ava, or nessie, or ash

you wont remember your sister, your dog, your mom or dad

you wont remember all the poems you wrote

you wont remember all the drawings you did

you wont remember all the characters you've spent so much time playing with and putting in silly situations

you wont remember the nomads

you wont remember the Janitor

but I know for a fact that whoever is taking care of you by then will put on the theme of Outer Wilds

and i know for a fact that you will remember

You'll shed a tear, and it will be the product of every piece of art you've experienced, everyone you've ever cared about, everything that has had an impact on you, molded you and changed you as a person.

In that moment, though you may not remember me, you'll know that we're still the same person.

Deep down I know you're aware that, despite everything,

I love you.