#every time i listen to it- i get really emotional

[greenwitchfromthewoods]

back to life. l Joel Miller

Summary: an attempt to return to normality

Warnings: angst, a little bit of smut (+18), lots of bad emotions, tw: depressive episode; Tommy, Maria and Ellie; violence

A/N: it's a hard time for me. but I found a moment to write this. sorry that I'm still stuck in this series, it's comfortable for me

your feedback is very important to me and I thank you for all the reblogs, comments and likes. 🖤 sorry for all the mistakes

short stories from life. [masterlist]

The next few days were really hard. Joel felt like every cell in his body was hurting him, even though it was you who had been through so much. The wounds were healing, the bruises were fading, but you were quieter and less visible. If it weren't for his willingness for you to take a bath, which Joel thought was the best thing for you, you wouldn't have gotten out of bed at all.

But Joel experienced something else during that time. In addition to fear for you, he encountered incredible human kindness and empathy. The people of Jackson seemed moved by what had happened. Soon, when Joel was on his way to the clinic about his collarbone, an older man who owned a bakery pressed a fresh loaf of bread into his hands and said with a smile that it was for you. 

Mrs. Russo appeared at the door the next evening, bringing with her a few of your favorite dishes. "I guess you don't have the head for cooking now. Take this, she's been enjoying it so much lately!"

Rory and his mother also showed up, and the boy handed Joel a bouquet of the first spring flowers, which he placed next to your bed. The small smile on your lips was worth everything.

Almost every afternoon, Ellie would sit with you, telling you that she absolutely needed help with her homework. Joel thought she was exaggerating and that she certainly didn't have that much to study for, but you were starting to get involved. Evenings were for the two of you, though.

Sometimes Joel would play something on the guitar, feeling your eyes follow his fingers as they struck the strings. He hadn't done it in years, but for you he'd pulled from his memory many of the songs he knew. Or he'd read books aloud. His warm, low voice carried through the bedroom, and you'd listen, clearly soothed by the sound.

Your bubble had to stretch, though, and it happened one evening. Joel came back later than usual, and then he convinced you to go downstairs. He led you out to the terrace and showed you something he had made for you. A wooden bench, very carefully crafted, with ornate armrests and fancy decoration. He had been working on it for a long time.

"It's so beautiful outside. I thought you might like to have your own place." he said, a little worried when he saw the tears in your eyes and your trembling lips. "You can spend time here, bask in the sun, read if you want."

"Nobody has ever done anything just for me." you said quietly.

And before he knew it, you kissed him, so truly. He hadn't felt the real you in a kiss for a long time, and now you were with him. In his strong arms, you were like a fragile creature, but Joel felt happy that you had achieved so much together. He believed that everything would be fine.

From then on, everything slowly began to change. You spent more time outside, and sometimes you went with him to the stables to take care of the horses. After a few days, Tommy and Maria invited you for dinner, and you showed up there too. When the dance was in Jackson, you went together, although you seemed hesitant about it, but Joel managed to talk you into a few slow dances with him.

"I want to take her out of Jackson," Joel stated when he and Tommy met up at the Tipsy Bison for a drink one day, "Just one day. We'll take the easy way out."

Tommy nodded, "It would do her good. Can she handle it?"

"She's tougher than we think. I can see she needs to get outside of those walls, even though she's still scared."

"And you're going to let her?" Tommy shook his head in disbelief, "What did she do to you, bro?"

"I miss her, you know... She's physically there, we sleep in the same bed, we eat together, we live together. But she..."

"I can see it in her eyes. What happened to her changed her... It would change anyone."

Joel took a sip from his glass. He didn't want to tell his brother that you hadn't slept together since then. No, Joel wasn't complaining. Your relationship had never been just about sex. But he still didn't know if he would scare you if he initiated it. You were sensitive and delicate, and although he knew you loved him, you didn't take that step yourself.

That day the weather was beautiful. The spring sun settled in the sky, and the forest and the surrounding area were beautifully green. You walked together, close to each other. 

Joel told you what had changed in the area recently, that the attic in the permanent barn on the other side of Jackson had caved in, or that he had seen a family of foxes sneaking past the camp during a patrol. He spoke as if you had been sick for a week, not completely cut off from life for almost a month.

You felt good, especially since he was next to you, and the care and tenderness towards you emanated from him. You wanted to go back to him, completely, but you weren't sure how to do it. Every day, every attempt, cost you a lot of strength. Guilts of conscience were churning inside you.

"I'm sorry, Joel." You finally said when you stopped at the edge of the forest.

Joel looked at the horizon, trying to see if the area was still safe for you, and turned around, surprised.

"What are you apologizing for, darling?" he asked, taking a step towards you.

You seemed so small to him, as if many things were pressing you to the ground at once, and you were barely able to stay on two legs. You looked at him as if you were about to cry.

"For everything." you finally answered "For having to take care of me. For every day that is so hard for you. I wish things were like they used to be... I don't know if I can. Maybe... Maybe..."

"Don't do that." he interrupted you, approaching you and taking your face in his hands "Stop here. What happened to us, what happened to you, is neither of our fault. But we'll deal with it, right?"

"How? I thought I was strong, but this..." you closed your eyes, and tears flowed from under your eyelashes. Joel patiently wiped them away with his thumbs "I keep wondering... Every shadow, every rustle makes me tremble. I've become nothing but a problem for each of you."

His strong arms wrapped around you and pulled you tightly to his chest. You snuggled into Joel with all your might. His arms were your shelter, the beating of his heart soothed yours. If it weren't for him, you would have fallen to pieces a long time ago.

"You don't even know, silly, how many people care about you and want to help you. They ask about you every day. You're not the problem, but you can't be strong all the time either. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about, because I tried to be. You and Ellie hold me together. Now it's our turn, we won't let you fall apart." He kissed the top of your head and sighed deeply "You don't even know how much I love you..."

It was late when you got back. Your clothes smelled of forest and wind, just like Joel's. You felt tired, but you were also a little lighter, more confident. He saw it in your eyes and promised himself that soon you would go out together again outside Jackson. 

However, Joel was most surprised when he felt your arms wrapped around his waist as he stood in the shower and the streams of hot water washed his body. You clung to his back, so gently as if you were afraid he would push you away. But Joel kissed your hands, and then turned around and looked at you with such love that you had never seen in his eyes. 

So you surrendered to this moment, because you wanted to, because it was him, because you wanted to feel alive again. 

And when you felt his cock moving deep inside you, when his lips caressed your neck, and the cool tiles imprinted on your back - only God knew how much life flowed in you again.

"Sorry, I wouldn't keep you from your work if it wasn't so important."

"Don't worry, the laundry will definitely wait for me." you chuckled as you and Maria headed towards the building that served as the city hall or headquarters in Jackson.

It was already late in the evening, Joel hadn't come home yet, and you were busy with the usual household chores. The following days were somehow easier and you were happy to have your strength back.

You went inside and Maria led you to the back. You noticed a few men in the rooms, who were also taking part in patrols. They seemed strangely tense to you, but Maria quickly drew your attention to herself.

"Listen, this could be an unpleasant experience for you." she said, her hand stroking your arm. "But we have to be sure."

"What do you mean?" you asked, frowning. "Did something happen? Something with Joel or Tommy?"

Maria shook her head, then pushed the door open and nodded for you to enter. It was a dark room and you noticed that the curtains were drawn tightly and the only light came from the lamps placed on the walls. In the middle, three men sat on chairs, they were not residents of Jackson. They seemed strangely familiar to you, but you couldn't...

Someone said your name and you noticed Joel and Tommy standing nearby.

"What's going on?" you asked quietly. "Who is it?"

Tommy cleared his throat. "We've been following them for a few days. We suspect that they attacked you. You, Sam and Anthony. One of them had Sam's private things."

You looked at the men again, now you understood. And they must have recognized you too, because they twitched nervously. Two of them looked away, trying to avoid your eyes, but one of them was staring at you wildly.

"I know that pussy." he muttered, a smile twisting his face covered with thick stubble "I thought you died in the woods. You're a smart bitch."

There was a loud impact, it was Joel who hit the man without thinking. His head tilted back, but after a moment his quiet laughter filled the room.

"Is that your pussy? How was I supposed to know that it already had its owner?"

"Don't you dare talk about it like that!" Joel growled and wanted to hit him again, but Tommy grabbed his arm.

He looked at you carefully. "Is that them?"

"He recognized her!" Joel hissed furiously "That should be enough!"

"I need to know!"

You weren't fully aware of it, as if your body had made the decision itself. Your head twitched in confirmation. That was enough.

"Get her out of here." Tommy ordered.

"Joel! No!" you groaned, but someone's arms grabbed you and forcibly led you out of the room. The door slammed shut with a bang. Even though you didn't see it, you knew what was about to happen.

☆☆☆☆

Thank you for your time.

taglist, i think: @picketniffler @orcasoul @bbyanarchist @o-sacra-virgo-laudes-tibi @somedayheaven @underneath-the-sky-again

[itsnesss]

I don't know if you take requests, but since I like your writing language very much, I would love you to write something like this. It seems like something like the reader saying she wants to get pregnant while making love after noticing Hwan Jun Ho's interest in children would be nice.

𝐚 𝐟𝐮𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐲𝐨𝐮 | hwang jun-ho × fem!reader

summary | the request

warnings | intimacy (implicit/not overly graphic), emotional vulnerability, discussions of parenthood

word count | 1.5 k

author's note | it would help me a lot if you liked, commented and reposted so that more people read what I write and don't forget to follow me, thanks ᡣ𐭩

Moonlight filters through the curtains, casting soft shadows across the dimly lit room. Outside, the city continues its course, indifferent, but here, within these four walls, everything feels different. There are no rushes, no worries. It’s just the two of you, trapped in a moment that seems suspended in time.

You feel the weight of his body over yours, his warmth surrounding you, the brush of his skin against yours in a slow, deliberate dance. Every touch, every kiss, every shared breath carries the weight of everything you’ve built together. It’s not just desire, not just need—it’s something deeper, something more meaningful. Something that goes beyond the fleeting passion of a single night.

Your fingers trace down his back, following the contours of his muscles with a light, almost reverent touch. You know that Junho isn’t a man who allows himself to be vulnerable easily, but here, with you, he lets all his walls down. The way he holds you, how he brushes his nose against yours before kissing you again, how he intertwines his fingers with yours as he moves above you—it tells you more than any words ever could.

And then, like a whisper among your thoughts, like a truth that has been waiting to be spoken, the words slip from your lips before you can stop them.

"I want to have a child with you."

Junho tenses slightly but doesn’t stop. His gaze meets yours in the dim light, and in his eyes, there’s more than just surprise. There’s curiosity, tenderness… something you can’t quite decipher.

"Really?" His voice is low, almost a murmur against your skin, as if he doesn’t want to break the atmosphere surrounding you.

You take a breath, feeling your chest rise against his. There’s no doubt in you. It’s something you’ve been feeling for a long time, but only now have you found the words to express it.

"Yes," you answer firmly. "I’ve thought about it a lot. I’ve seen you with children… how you look at them, how you care about them without even realizing it."

He blinks, surprised, but says nothing. You know he’s listening, that he’s processing what you’ve just said.

"When you see a child on the street, you always pause a second longer than necessary," you continue. "When we’re at the park, your attention always drifts toward them. And when you talk about your brother…"

You hesitate because you know mentioning his brother touches a sensitive part of him. But it’s part of what makes him who he is. Part of what has led you to realize what you truly want.

"I don’t know if you’ve ever thought about it," you add softly. "But if you ever wanted to… if you ever desired it, I’d want it to be with you."

Junho exhales, closing his eyes for a moment before resting his forehead against yours. His breath is warm, unsteady, and his hands tighten around your waist.

"I wasn’t expecting to hear something like that tonight," he admits with a low chuckle—not one of mockery, but of disbelief. As if he finds it hard to believe this is real.

"I didn’t plan it," you respond, smiling too. "I just… felt it."

The silence that follows isn’t uncomfortable. His fingers trace slow circles on your skin, as if memorizing every detail of you. Then, without saying anything else, he kisses you. It’s a different kiss than before: deeper, more meaningful, more devoted.

And in that kiss, you find your answer.

Time seems to dissolve as you remain wrapped in each other’s warmth. Junho never stops touching you, holding you with the same delicacy one would hold something fragile, precious. Every movement of his carries a new purpose, as if your words have shifted something inside him. As if something has settled in his heart.

His face is partially hidden in the curve of your neck when he murmurs, his voice husky, "I never thought of myself as a father."

You slide your hands into his hair, running your fingers through his dark strands with tenderness.

"And now?"

He sighs, his lips brushing against your collarbone before lifting his gaze to meet yours.

"I don’t know," he admits. "But if it ever happens… I can’t imagine anyone but you."

Your heart pounds at his words. It’s not an absolute statement, not an immediate promise, but you understand. Junho isn’t someone who rushes into things. He needs time to process, to internalize. But the fact that he hasn’t rejected the idea, that he’s considering it, means more than you can express in this moment.

"That’s enough for me," you whisper.

He gives a small, lopsided smile, and with one last kiss to your forehead, he lets your bodies find that shared rhythm again, allowing the moment to envelop you completely.

Later, when sleep begins to claim you and Junho still holds you in his embrace, you break the silence once more.

"If we had a child… what name would you like to give them?"

You feel his chest shake with a low, drowsy chuckle.

"Are we already picking names?"

"I’m just curious."

He stays quiet for a moment, absentmindedly tracing patterns on your arm.

"If it’s a girl… I’d like her to have a strong name. Something that makes her stand out."

"And if it’s a boy?"

Junho falls silent, and for a moment, you think he has fallen asleep. But then, his voice comes in a whisper, as if he’s testing the sound of the idea in his own mind.

"Maybe something in honor of my brother."

Your chest tightens with a mix of emotion and tenderness. You don’t push him to say more—you don’t want to force him to keep talking if he doesn’t want to. Instead, you snuggle closer against him, letting the warmth of his body envelop you.

And as sleep finally pulls you under, a soft smile graces your lips. Because even though the future is still uncertain, even though Junho needs time to process everything you talked about tonight, there is one thing you know with absolute certainty:

If that moment ever comes… he would be an incredible father.

And there’s no one else in the world you’d rather share that future with.

[mika-no-sekai-blog]

Part III

Word count: +3900

Warnings: angst, very slight mentions of past SA, frostbites and some chuchu-muchu😉 (this chapter isn't so bad that it would need any extra warnings, but let me know if you find something that needs to added)

Part II | Part IV

The ceremony and the party afterwards went smoothly, without any remarkable events. Although, after what I had just witnessed, it was my last worry.

Emotions in Kallias' eyes as he watched her walk behind me with the veil in hands, were like a bucket of cold water, shattering any however small hopes I had.

What would be my position at this place? In this Court? How was I supposed to live here? As what? Forgotten wife? Unwanted burden? Obstacle that at some point would need to vanish quietly?

The future full of uncertainties left me feeling hollow. I wanted to cry actually. I should have listened to my father and run away while I could. Life in exile in Autumn Court would be much better than this. The fact that despite everything, Kallias was trying — pretending — made it even worse.

When I arrived at the altar, he gently took my hand and tried to smile happily. As we stood there, listening the priestess, he held me closely, trying to comfort me. After we said our vows and priestess blessed the union, it was time for a kiss and he tried to do it properly. Above all the expectations of the gathered. During the dinner and the following party, he tried converse with me, asking about my childhood, hobbies and even opinions. He went so far as pretending the interest while trying to get to know me.

Every his try was more and more painful. It was like standing in front of a magical mirror that was showing me — torturing me — with imagines of what could have been. How my married life could have looked like, if he didn't have feelings for someone else. It would be much easier, if he just simply despised me from the very beginning than giving me fake hopes. If he drew clear line on the start, I could be sure about my role, I would know how to behave. And most importantly, my heart would stay behind the walls, protected. Where there is no hope, love cannot flourish. Falling in love with Kallias would do me no good — I understood that. Yet if he kept acting this way...

It would be so easy to fall in love with him. On top of being handsome, he really seemed to be a kind person, attentive, intelligent, calm and soft-hearted. Growing up in estate where only so few young males resided and all hated me or completely ignored me, couldn't prepare me for this. I didn't want to end up as all the naive females in novels I read — falling for wrong male just to be handed own broken heart on tray.

Oh, Mother, why had you woven this fate for me? Did I offend you so much by being born?

At some point, the need to shake him got so strong that I had to clench my fingers into chair's armrest. I wanted to tell him to stop pretending when his true feelings were so clear, but I couldn't. Instead I was spiralling and anxiously observing every small change, every slip in his expression.

As we were sitting at the table, conversing, his eyes often wandered to the place where Viviane was seated next to the blond female in elegant red dress who for sure wasn't from this Court. The two of them seemed to have a good time, talking lively and laughing.

Every time he did it, I peaked at Viviane, expecting her to meet his gaze with the similar mixture of emotions. I didn't know why, but I needed that one last push that would completely shatter my hopes. I even prayed for it.

As if sensing it, she always looked up at me, smiling brightly, contently even, at both of us. I watched her closely, analysing her expression to the smallest details, yet I couldn't find any evidence of longing, pain or suppressed feelings, not even in depths of her beautiful eyes. The only tracks of love I found, was love of a good friend, sibling at the best. Instead of being relieved or satisfied, it saddened me and suddenly I felt sorry for him. Was she so blind that she hadn't noticed it yet? Or she just didn't want to acknowledge his feelings?

Last time it happened shortly before we were expected to leave the party and head to the chambers, the tiny lines formed around his lips. His disappointment hurt me more than I cared to admit. Out of sympathy, I gently touched his forearm. He slightly jerked, his eyes wide as he turned to me. For several heartbeats, he stared at me, shocked. Then his expression darkened, an icy mask slid down with loud click. He shook off my hand and moved away from me as far as he could while sitting on his chair. After that he stopped trying to talk with me and ignored me for the rest of the time we spent at party.

Before any emotions got the better of me, I cut them off. Maybe it was better this way.

Lost in my thoughts, I didn't notice that High Lord stood up, giving a speech, not until Kallias next to me stood up, too. He was looking down at some unspecified place on the table with a hand ready for me to grab on it. I did what was expected of me. We both did.

My attention shifted to my father. He looked sad, yet he smiled at me. My chest tightened painfully and I blinked away the tears. All of sudden, I had a very strange feeling that this was the last time I could see him. It was so suffocating. And Morena's expression didn't help it. Out of the corner of the eye I noticed her wide grin, the gleam in her eyes made me feel sick. The need to not let him go and to keep him here with me only grew. I felt nauseous, cold sweat rolling down my spine.

"Everything fine?" Kallias asked under his breath. Only then did I notice that I was quite trembling and squeezing his hand so tightly that my knuckles were white. However, I wasn't able to answer. I couldn't even as much as move, all my muscles locked. "You will be able to say goodbye to your family tomorrow before they leave. No need to worry."

The softness of his deep voice and the reassurance took away some of the weight pressing down on my chest and my lungs filled with air. I slowly turned to him. His expression was alert, but beneath it was hidden understanding.

"Thank you," I whispered.

With the final congratulation, High Lord sent us off. As soon as the door closed behind us, Kallias took off down the corridor, leaving me in care of Millie.

"I will show you to your chambers, milady," she bowed and led me in the same direction Kallias went while pointing out rooms we passed to help me navigate around later. "It was High Lord's wish for you to be close to his son, so we prepared the closest suitable premises for you. I hope you will find them comfortable to live in. Unfortunately, no one informed us about your likes and dislikes, so if you find something missing or wish to change anything, just let me know. I will take care of your needs from now on."

"Thank you, Millie. I'm sure you did great job. I'll certainly like it," corners of my mouth curled in a small, polite smile. Because of what she saw before the ceremony I wasn't sure how to behave around her. She must have thought something was wrong with me. With her own smile she tilted her head to the side, looking me over with curiosity. I got nervous. "Is.. something wrong?"

"No, milady," she fully grinned. "I was just thinking that you are different from the other aristocrats and especially, from the young ladies."

"Is it a bad thing?" I frowned, my palms sweating.

"Oh, it's a great thing, milady. You are more like his Highness and his family. It isn't my place to say this, but I think you will get along pretty well with young master."

I wasn't sure what to say to that, pleasantly surprised by Millie's boldness. "I hope so." Being it a different situation, her words would have made me happy. Right now the only thing I knew for sure was, that love was out of question as Kallias' heart already belonged to someone else. Maybe.. maybe someday we could become friends, though. I stored the idea in the back of my mind for the later, focussing on the present.

Climbing the flight of stairs, we got to the highest floor, dimly lit with faelights. Hallways here were wider with a sets of windows on one side. Intrigued, I stopped by one, looking out into the night.

From up here I could see back gardens and castle grounds and also a small part of the city on the other side of gorge. The view was, however, blocked by the wall. When I focussed, I could see seemingly never ending mountain range surrounding the castle and the city, with white dusted peaks that glittered in the moonlight. On one of the closest peaks that was rather a smaller one, I noticed a faint flicker of light.

"Millie? Is there anything up there?"

She stepped closer to see where I was pointing. "It could be the temple, but it's hard to say when it's so dark outside. It should be easier to see it during the day. I'm sure young master will eventually take you there, milady, as it's a place of great importance."

I nodded and followed her. There was only one set of doors in this hallway. Millie opened them and holding them for me, she waited. "These are your chambers, milady."

"And Kallias'?" I looked around in confusion. Didn't she mention that his chambers should be nearby?

"Well, his doors are located in different hallway, but as you will see, you won't need it, milady."

I hesitantly took last few steps and entered the most beautiful sitting room I'd seen in my life. Soft tiny faelights hanging from ceiling in chains like some icicles created play of light and shadow on the snow-white walls, flames roared in the big hearth, sending pleasant waves of warmth into the room. The set of comfortable looking sofas and armchairs occupied most of this space, several half filled wooden bookcases and chests decorated otherwise empty walls. Wooden floor, thick carpet, candles, blankets and pillows added to the overall welcoming comfort of this room.

My curiosity pulled me to the enormous windows that led to the balcony and the fascinating view. In awe I pushed a light lacy curtain aside to take a better look. An entire city on the other side of the gorge laid there like on my palm. I could see as far as to the flickering lights of the first gate and if it wasn't night, certainly even far beyond it.

The city was bigger than I originally thought, scrambling up and down gentle slopes, closed in between jagged peaks. The streets of the city were flooded with warm soft light, white snow making it shine even brighter, the dark windows of houses in sharp contrast with that beauty. My gaze followed those bright narrow veins that connected with each other, creating wide arteries, to the very heart of the town where they opened into a large space with probably the highest spruce tree I'd ever seen in its centre. The square shone with colours. Even from afar I could see long tables with food and people laughing and dancing. It was just as Viviane told me - everyone was out, celebrating. I was so taken by that fairytale like scenery that I didn't notice that Millie left and returned after several minutes.

"Your bath is ready," she said, kind smile lifting corners of her mouth.

"I didn't know there could be something so beautiful as this place. I always thought that the capital is cold, inhospitable city," I confessed.

"Now now," she snorted in amusement. "Wait until you see it decorated for Solstice, milady."

That piqued my interest. The Solstice was the biggest and most important celebration in Winter Court and it was only about a month from now. Even such almost deserted places as my home got excessively decorated with ribbons and glittery decorations, smell of all sorts of cakes, foods and mulled wine filling the air and mixing with smell of pine needles and freshly fallen snow. While I heard that all celebrations were over in just few days in other courts, in Winter it lasted for an entire month. Everyone seemed to be a bit kinder and generous during that time. Maybe that's why I loved it so much.

"There's going to be big celebration. Young master and his friends every year visit the market in the city. This year, they will take you with them too, milady. I'm sure you will like it," Millie continued as I followed her through the bedroom with enormous bed and hearth to the luxurious looking bathroom. Everything was so cosy.

Bathtub full of steaming water immediately drew my attention. It was big enough for at least three persons, dominating to the space. Set of soft towels waited on its edge, several lit floating candles and pink rose petals inviting one to dip in. Air was filled with smell of floral essential oils, soaps and shampoos, steam making it a bit foggy.

Stress, that was building in me ever since morning, finally took its toll and all of sudden I felt too tired to even think, my body so heavy. I couldn't wait to warm up my limbs in the bath and to head to that comfortable bed I saw moments ago. With a knowing smile, Millie helped me to undress and with a sigh I stretched out in the warm water. I was slightly dozing off while Millie took all the pins from my hair, helped me wash and then massaged my shoulders. Unable to even keep my eyes open, I made a mental note to thank her later for her care. After the bath I accepted the soft bathrobe without giving it much thoughts. It didn't even seem strange to me that there was no nightgown prepared.

"Now, everything is ready. Young master is already waiting for you in bedroom, milady," Millie said cunningly and disappeared in a secret servants' passageway before her words got registered by my sleepy mind.

In a second I was wide awake. Kallias was here? Why? And then the realisation hit me and my stomach churned. It couldn't be for real. It just couldn't...

I started to shake wildly and fell to my knees. Unable to keep it together, I wrapped arms around my chest, holding firmly. All the unpleasant memories of my stepbrother touching me floated to the surface and I sobbed. How could I forget? It was an unbreakable tradition and yet I.. I thought it just simply wouldn't happen. There was no way out of this. Whether I wanted or no, it had to happen. Short for air I doubled over, pressing forehead to marble floor. Its cool surface grounded me down and slowly I calmed down enough to think straight. If I couldn't get out of this situation, I had to come up with a way to survive it.

Kallias! That was it. Kallias wasn't Zima. He was kind - everyone said so about him so far. He would treat me with kindness. If.. if he saw that I wasn't ready, he wouldn't push me into things, right?

However crazy it was, I gripped on the belief that Kallias wouldn't treat me badly and held onto it, pushing every bad memory to the back of my mind where I slammed and locked the imaginary door behind it. In my mind I was repeating his name like some mantra, listing every small way in which he treated me kindly. Everything that was different about him. I hadn't thought that there would be a time when his pretence during wedding and party could come so handy, but here I was.

Still trembling I managed to crawl over to the washbasin and dragged myself up. From there it was only a small step to the door that separated me from the bedroom and my ordeal. Taking a deep breath I opened it with a soft click.

Kallias stood with bowed head in front of the hearth clad in the same looking bathrobe, his back to me. Both of his hands were rested on the mantel, clenched into fists, skin on his knuckles so tight that I almost could see bones beneath. His back was painfully straight, shoulders tense. If I wasn't mistaken, he was nervous.

He didn't seem to notice me as his eyes were hypnotising the dancing flames that roared wildly, yet the room was cool almost cold.

Instinctively I checked the windows, tugging the bathrobe closer. All were closed and locked from inside. A lump rose in my throat.

"Ka..llias..?"

He jerked. "Sorry," he mumbled and the room warmed up again. He turn his head in my direction, though he avoided looking at me. "I.."

He sighed. "Sorry," he repeated, this time properly facing me. His eyes darted over me swiftly and then landed on the bed. He inhaled sharply, holding his breath.

It's Kallias. Kallias. He is kind. He is different.

I desperately held on my mantra as my bottom lip quivered.

He closed his eyes and exhaled deeply, staying like that for awhile.

"Are you cold?" His voice was once again soft, caring. "Come closer and warm up. Your father mentioned that you easily get cold. It's quite rare for someone from the Winter Court, isn't it?"

"Yes." When did he make time to talk with my father? I managed to walk over the room without stumbling, but I was so nervous and scared that I was short for breath, heaving as if I had run a round around the castle before stopping next to him. His brows furrowed, his lips twisted in compassion. "I think I took that after my mother."

"Ah, the lady from Autumn Court, right? I can imagine that the weather here was harsh for someone with fire in veins."

I expected to hear scornfulness in his voice when he spoke about my mother, just as I heard it in voices of everyone except my father, but there was nothing. He said it calmly, casually, almost sorrowfully, as if it was the most natural thing. I was so surprised that I only nodded.

"Then I will have to make sure you are always warm," he smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes.

The uncomfortable silence settled between us. I didn't dare to look at him even though I would give anything to know what he was thinking at, how he felt. Despite being so close to the fire, cold sweat rolled down my spine, my imagination running wild and in absolutely wrong direction.

It's Kallias. He's kind. He won't-

His hand hesitantly touched mine and when I didn't pull away, he entwined his long fingers with mine. His frosty pale skin was soft to touch and cool. Though it didn't cause me pain like-..

It's Kallias. He's different.

I pushed any other thoughts away. It was already hard enough as I could hardly even as much as breathe.

I heard him swallow hard before his other hand reached up, taking my chin between thumb and forefinger. He was so tender when he tilted my face towards him. The way he touched me - it was definitely different. There was nothing violent about it, nothing rough or demanding, yet I played my mantra on repeat.

He leaned closer and..

Stopped.

He was waiting for me, I realized.

Heart hammering in my chest, I risked a glance at him. His crushing blue eyes were already on me, searching. His striking beauty took the last bits of air from my lungs. He looked somehow sad, torment in depths of his eyes. However, the second our gazes collided, he transformed his expression into unreadable mask, locking away anything he felt. If he really loved Viviane so much, this couldn't be anything but unpleasant duty to him. He didn't want to do this — that much was clearly written all over his face just a moment ago — yet he was trying to turn it into a pleasant experience for me.

He gave me last few seconds to prepare before he carefully pressed his lips to mine. His eyes shut closed, brows furrowed - was he imagining that he was holding her? He stilled for few heartbeats and then slightly opened his mouth, tip of his tongue lightly touched my bottom lip before he delivered another kiss. This reminded me of the wedding ceremony. Back then he did exactly the same thing.

He wasn't in hurry, his soft lips lazily dancing over mine, every stroke deeper than the previous one. His fingers moved from my chin to my cheek, cupping it, thumb drawing small circles on my skin. It was.. actually quite pleasant, soothing. However, I needed to keep my eyes open, because the second I closed them, flashes of those events twisted the reality into something else. My mantra wasn't working as efficiently here as I hoped, but seeing his face made it little better.

Kallias changed the angle, tugging me closer by the waist, adjusting his position, his body now flush against mine. That was when the things started to change. Temperature in the room again dropped so slightly and shiver ran down my spine. His other hand, now cold like ice, moved to my neck, his touch still light and tender, yet the pain marked the trace of his fingers, until they slipped into my hair. His lips grazed over my jaw and down the column of my neck to my shoulder, leaving small kisses on his way, every one of them followed by explosions of sharp pain. When he reached the collarbone, the pain was so insufferable that I cried out.

Kallias immediately stopped, his eyes shooting up to my face.

"Wha-"

When he noticed red and purple marks on my skin, his eyes widened in shock and he released me, backing away.

"That's nothing," I covered the worst of them with bathrobe, quickly wiping tears away.

"Nothing?" he whispered "How..? Why..? You are covered in frostbites." Kallias was short for words. He looked down at his hands in disbelieve. "Have I done that?"

I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. Only moments ago, he was so kind and attentive, even though he didn't want to do this. Another male in his position wouldn't give a shit. I couldn't possibly tell him that his powers were responsible for that, nor I couldn't lie to him.

Shaking his head, he was retreating, his skin paler than freshly fallen snow. He ran hand through his hair and then dragged it down his face. He was shaken.

"I-.. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.. I'm so sorry."

He pivoted and hurried to the tall mirror in the corner of the room. It took just a light touch from him and the glass melted away, opening an entrance to a narrow corridor covered in ice and snow. Gust of cold wind brought several snowflakes into the room and I had to turn away, protecting my face. Prince of Winter rushed down that corridor, unaffected by cold. He didn't look back even when I called after him, eager to somehow explain the situation. Before I reached the mirror, glass was back on its place and Kallias was gone.

[ittlll]

I know it sounds ridiculous but part of me can’t help but think of ghost who loves Lana Del Rey. Without any doubt he is one of the most tough guys in the world and has the most rational mindset humans can have. But does it mean he is lacking in sensibility? Definitely not.

I guess he will read poems and give his own annotations to the emotion between the lines. He takes it as a way to balance his cruel job and his inner self. He tends to always take anything in charge, including his mental health, to make sure his life is always on the right track and run like clockwork, more precisely, Haute Horlogerie. It’s just some kind of his *aesthetic*, he wants a quality life. So he does not reject sensuality.

Back to Lana Del Ray, I would rather believe he started with the great Gatsby and so Young and Beautiful. Of course he watch movies, alone or with his team at those movie nights. They chose action movies forever, but one day Soap changed his mind. He picked the classic movie. Ghost doesn't usually give any comment on his choices and just watches the film quietly .

He was *shocked* when he heard the song, even though he didn't show a hint. Maybe he would judge Gatsby for the way he loved, but he completely understood his feeling through the melody, lyrics, and the voice of Siren. He glanced at the Scotsman next to him, who was so gripped of the film, and moved his eyes back to the screen making no sign. He failed to read what he was thinking, maybe the same as him, maybe not.

He found himself falling in so quickly. He favors the soothing ones like Old Money, Chemtrails Over The Country Club and so on. But will he listen to Lolita or Breaking my heart? He won't initiate it, but he'll usually play the list randomly.

He enjoyed afternoon tea with wired headset. Tea was also part of his life art. Warm 2pm sunlight shone into the lounge. Soap woke up from his nap, looking around and finding ghost in the old single sofa. That had almost been his exclusive seat. Every afternoon, as long as he was in the barrack, he would sit up here on time for a while. Sometimes he read, sometimes he meditated.Today he listened to something.

“What are you listening?” Soap was not so sure that guy can actually hear him.

“Nothing.”Text Book, perfect one for the tea time.

“Imagine Dragons I bet.”

Ghost took off one side, turning to him.

“Really, Johnny?”

Soap eventually found the answer through his in-car music. Summertime Sadness. Soap froze as the song played in the quiet car. Jesus, the big black guy, having killed countless people, even had limited edition CDs of Lana Del Rey to fit his old jeep whose audio was still a CD player. What a world.

“Feels like I never know you, Lt.”

“Never.”

“Don’t be so casual about never or forever , Si.”Soap was on his passenger seat, he looked into the brownie-coloured eyes in the rear-view mirror, “Now I know you’re hiding so much interesting things. Learn a little bit every day, and one day I will get them all.”

“Those words could go into song lyrics.”Ghost smiled under the mask.

Oh my god' I feel it in the air,

Telephone wires above,

Are sizzlin' like a snare,

Honey I'm on fire' I feel it everywhere,

Nothin' scares me anymore.

[ami666]

summary: female reader is struggling with mental health and she can't sleep at school night so JJ comforts her.

warnings: panic attack, anxiety, crying, mental health, depression, sleepless night.

that's my situation right now (ofc without JJ so I decided to write this)

You were diagnosed with depression at the age of fifteen years old. You've been taking medication since then but it feels like they don't help you anyway.

Right now you are laying on your bed facing the ceiling. There's a boy next to you who is also laying on his back but with his eyes closed calmly breathing in and out.

Your chest is pounding and you trying to ignore that feeling but it gets so bad to the point where this pounding fills your ears and your head is starting to hurt extremely bad.

You are starting to breath very quickly and it's getting you even more stressed because you haven't felt this way for a really long time.

You tried to calm yourself down but you couldn't manage to control your breathing so you turn to the side. Face directly looking at the blond boy.

Waking him up wasn't in your business but you thought that's the only way to settle down.

You delicately put your head on his chest. More specific at his heart. You are starting to listen to the biting.

Suddenly you felt his big hand stroking your hair.

"What happened baby? Bad dreams?". He asked in whisper.

"I can't sleep." You are starting to sob feeling overstimulated with your emotions. "I-I don't know why I'm just anxious about everything and..."

"Shh... That's okay Sunny." He didn't stop stroking your hair. "Think about something nice". His lips at your temple. "Like maybe our surf trip after graduation."

"Please tell me about it" You said clinging to his shirt.

"Alright baby. We are going to be in every country we want. Italy, Spain, France, Croatia and even more. We are going to send postcards to our friends from every place we visit. I'm going to take you on real dates. But not that expensive shit. We are going to be on the beach. I will catch a fish for dinner and pick a mango for dessert. Oh, and we are going to drink the coconut water. At the night when the moon is going to be full we will be watching the stars while cuddling with each other. Maybe we will even spot a shooting star. If it's even possible I know what I would wish for. I know my wish. I already got it. It's laying just beside me."

At the sign of his last sentence you finally fell asleep still holding tight into JJ's body dreaming of your surf trip that you couldn't wait for.

JJ was watching and making sure that you were completely relaxed in your dream. He kissed your jaw and whispered to your ear. "I love you".

You said "I love you" as well but to the JJ you were dreaming of.

[lsunstreakerl]

I always feel so embarrassed to enjoy a/b/o fics but the pack dynamics will suck me back in EVERY TIME 😭 I really need to know how the pack dynamics work as the drivers start including Max... like the rb garage is pack bonded now?? Will Max just have two packs or does he have to pick one?? (also does Charles have any feelings about them neglecting his boy👀)

you're embarrassed reading it, I'm literally writing it 😭 this is coming to my grave with me. anyways- worldbuilding below the cut!

kind of talked about in one of the last ficlets, but garages aren't really set up to function as packs- sometimes smaller subgroups might form loose pack bonds, but they almost never include drivers, because the nature of driver contracts makes being a pack with your team a bad idea. if you're only around for a year or two, and then you leave for another team- breaking that pack bond hurts. it's one of the things daniel really struggles with when he leaves.

additionally, (at least in my universe here) packs can undergo "pack strain", which is when there's a divide in authority on pack alpha. it's really, really easy for that to happen to a garage pack, which is the other reason they don't form. the divide between a pack alpha and a team principal makes it impossible for one person to cohesively lead the team all the time.

a team principal is too busy running the garage as a team, getting everything done they need to for racing. they don't have the time or emotional bandwidth to also be a pack alpha on top of that, so the role has to be delegated.

the person the pack might pick as pack alpha could be several stations below the team principal in the actual team, which can lead to problems on race day. it puts everyone else under strain too- who do they listen to? their boss or their pack alpha?

pack strain is the name given to the actual condition that arises from that. it's characterized by high levels of anxiety in a pack, difficulty submitting to authority, and the regular members of the pack (not the pack alpha or "challenging" pack alpha) become codependent on each other, trying to fill in the gaps.

"Sunny, how did Redbull avoid that for two years?"

everyone say thank you gianpiero. GP is the RB pack alpha, but he's unique in the sense that even in the pack he shows a clear respect for Christian. This is atypical just because it's hard to find an alpha willing to do that, but the team is doing this for Max. They're not unaware of the dangers of pack strain- but after the airport incident they recognize that Max has pack bonded to them, so the RB garage being a pack is a bit of a crisis response.

the drivers pack was initially formed to prevent drivers pack bonding with their garages. that's practically its entire purpose. ideally for RB, Max joins the drivers pack and starts naturally shifting towards them, and the team can ease out of the pack bond. It's not a strict break- more of a natural erosion. They'll still need to have a professional Pack Dynamicist around to monitor the situation while they're readjusting, but it won't be traumatic.

[princessmaeee]

Let Me Show You _ Sneak Peak

L e t. M e. S h o w. Y o u Working on some Valentin's day One Shot and I noticed a Lot of people seem to Love TOP/ Seung Hyun stories, so one of those One Shot will be about him and there's a little Sneak Peak of it. Nothing too wild, but YES It will contain S M U T in the full version.

The idea it's that Reader have a lot of presure on her Shoulders since she's the leader of her group and want everything to be perfect. Her and Seung Hyun didn't date since that long, aroud six months and she have some bad experience with her ex so she fear some situation, like intimacy. She's use to not be satisfed and she just hate that, so when her current boyfriend offer her to bring her somewhere for the week end, she definatly gonna freak out.

You were a rising star at YG since you debuted last year. At first, you were supposed to be a solo artist but you ended up being part of a girl group with Six Other girls. Your concept was about rainbow colors and  every girl had a Color assigned. You were the red and since it’s the first color of the rainbow, you were also the leader. You didn’t like any of that and it just put pressure on your shoulders. When your first vidéo came out, all the group wore an outfit with their assigned color for eyes, hair, makeup and accessories. It gave you magical girl energy and you liked it. 

As the leader of the group, you always made sure every girl ate enough or had enough sleep. You even helped every of them with every choreography until late at night if they needed it. You even wrote songs for the group and one of them was your third Music vidéo. The vidéo and song was a huge hit, making you and the other girls win an award for it.

Since your debut, you were alway on a rush and stressed, but you never showed it to anybody, cause you were the leader and no one had to see you in a desperate stage, except your boyfriend ; Seung Hyun. 

As much as you wished he never saw you like this, that’s how you first met. It was during your choreo training for your third music vidéo, you stayed until midnight at the studio to work on some moves that you missed or felt like you needed more practice and also because you needed to evacuate some feeling. You boyfriend, a guy from another group who debuted before you just dumped you this afternoon, by text. Since he’s a famous singer now, he didn’t have time for you, but you also know that the real reason it’s because he probably found someone else. You noticed how distant he was the last months and how less you talked in your day even if it was only messages. And when you were together, he was always on his phone and way less cuddly with you.

So that night, when you missed a step and fell on the ground you just exploded, letting go of your emotions as you cried alone in the studio.

That’s when he found you. He was on his way to leave to go back home but was anxious to hear someone cry. When you saw him in the studio, asking you if everything was okay, you wiped your tears and said it was fine, even if you were not. You didn’t recognize him at first, too tired to care anyway.

He invited you for a drink and you agreed. With a little bit of alcohol you explained what happened and he listened to you. He even drove you back home and paid for the drinks. 

The next morning, you were early at the studio, still tired and a little bit hungover from last night. The girls asked you about what happened for you to come back so late and you explained everything when you were on your training break. That’s when you met him again. He entered the studio and came to you under the eyes full of admiration of the other girls. He gave you a bottle of water and a Sandwich.

«-You seem to be like Ji Yong. A great Leader, really devoted to his work who keeps a lot of things inside and gives a lot of himself in everything, but he often forgets himself and his basic needs, like eating. So, please don’t forget it and get a good night of sleep. It’s for your own good. »

You were Speechless but thanked him. That’s when it hit. You recognize him, he was the rapper from the famous group of YG ; TOP from Big Bang. At first you felt Stupid to not have recognized him and embarrassed of how he saw you last night.

The next day, after a good night of sleep, you stopped by a coffee shop to bring him a little something and that’s how, slowly you started to develop feelings for each other. Seung Hyun was older than You but you didn’t care, he was a nice guy who truly cared about you and openly showed it and so you did. 

And that’s how you found yourself there. Valentine's Day was soon and Seung Hyun and you dated for  six months already. Everything felt like a dream even if you didn’t have a lot of time for the two of you. But this morning, when you received a text from him, everything felt different. 

‘’ - I have a surprise for you this weekend, gonna pick you up at 5 Pm. Get ready for three days and pack something cold. ‘’

This weekend, it's going to be Valentine's day and  Valentine's Day says couple activity and couple activity mean Romance and normally romance and couple activity lead to sex, which you didn’t want to. You never liked it, you only did it with you ex cause he didn’t give you a choice, mostly. It was more like we have to do it cause we are a couple and you feared he could cheat you. If You refused cause he already said it when he started to get famous. So as much as you want to have more time with Seung Hyun, it also freaks the shit out of you.

‘’ - Can We ? I’m not sure our managers will approve if we leave for that long.’’ ‘’ - No worries, I already setted up everything. And trust me, you definitely need those days off ‘’ ‘’ - Yeah, I Guess. I’m just worry for my group ‘’ ‘’ - Do you prefer to do something else ? I don’t want to force you to do anything, he just wanted to do something special for the weekend, but if you prefer something after work I can organize it. ‘’

You felt bad for a moment and got more anxious. 

‘’ - No it’s fine, I’m just… you know, I’m the leader after all, I have to make everything perfect.’’ ‘’ - And that’s why you need some days off, my love. Trust me on that, you will enjoy it.’’ ‘’ -Oh I Trust you, I’m sorry.’’ ‘’ - Don’t it’s fine ;) So, Friday at 5 Pm ? ‘’ ‘’ - Yeah, can’t wait ‘’

[staarriezz]

HIII I LOVE YOUR LAST DOTTIE FIC. can i pls. request. akademiya zandik smut? he’s a huge loser.. like… huge nerd, he doesn’t talk to anyone, has never felt the touch of a woman…. soooooo when he gets a massive crush, his feelings for them are so intense, poor baby doesn’t know what to do the first time he gets a big ol boner thinking about her :( and so he experiments… rubs one out to the thought of her… and has like a whole epiphany

thank uuu!!

YAYAYA I LUV THIS REQUEST!! akademiya zandik rots my brain ughghghgh he’s such a loser i love him

i luv how this is turning into a zandik blog LOLS

dottore x reader — an unexpected discovery

pairing: dottore x reader

genre: smut

warnings: nsfw! 18+ content! minors dni

word count: ~1.4k

zandik had never been one for distractions.

his life revolved around progress— an endless pursuit of knowledge that left no room for frivolous indulgences. while others at the akademiya wasted time socializing, he remained fixated on his research, on theories and experiments that would one day revolutionize the world.

but lately, something had disrupted his focus.

you.

it had started subtly. a lingering glance when you passed him in the halls, an unfamiliar warmth spreading through his chest when you sat beside him in lectures, an annoying awareness of your presence even when he was supposed to be concentrating on something else.

at first, he dismissed it. It was nothing. a mere anomaly, one that would pass with time.

except it didn't.

he had never spoken much to his peers— most either feared him or ridiculed him— and he didn’t really like any of them anyways. but you were different. you weren't afraid of him, nor did you mock his work.

instead, you seemed genuinely intrigued by his research, asking questions, challenging his theories, engaging him in discussions that left his mind buzzing long after you had walked away.

and then, the worst of it happened.

the first time he had felt it, he had been in his dorm, seated at his desk, deep into his notes on biomodification. it had been a long night, his only company the soft flicker of candlelight and the sound of his pen scratching against parchment.

but his thoughts had drifted.

to you.

your voice echoed in his mind, that smooth, inquisitive tone that always sent a strange shiver down his spine. he imagined the way you leaned in when listening intently, the way your lips curled into that sweet smile when you praised his work, the warmth of your breath when you spoke too close-

his grip on his pen tightened.

a sudden heat coiled in his gut, unfamiliar yet insistent. his body tensed, and before he even realized what was happening, he was painfully, achingly hard.

he inhaled sharply, his hand tightening further around his pen— until it snapped in half.

strings of curses escaped his mouth, grumbling and rising to his feet to fetch a towel.

what the hell?

he knew what this was. he was a scientist, not an imbecile. but this— this sudden, overwhelming reaction— was unlike anything he had experienced before. it wasn't just arousal; it was something deeper, something all-consuming.

his pulse pounded in his ears. a logical man would ignore it. suppress it. focus on something else.

as he ran his hands under the cold water of the sink, wiping the ink off with a soft towel, he tried his best to ignore the throbbing of his hardness.

but the pressure was unbearable.

he returned to his desk with a defeated sigh, groaning in frustration as he sank into his seat.

he exhaled shakily, his grip tightening against the edge of his desk. every rational thought told him to stop, to push these intrusive emotions away before they became something dangerous.

yet, as his mind conjured the image of you— your fingers brushing against his as you passed him a book, your gaze lingering just a second too long, the ghost of your touch against his wrist— his restraint snapped.

before he could second-guess himself, his hand moved, hesitant at first, then firmer, more certain. the moment he made contact, a sharp gasp tore from his throat, his entire body jerking at the sensation.

archons.

a shudder ran down his spine, his breath unsteady as he let his mind wander further.

he imagined your touch instead of his own, your lips grazing his jaw, whispering his name in that soft, knowing tone. would you tease him? would you smile that infuriating, enchanting smile as he unraveled beneath you?

he felt trapped in his own boxers, an ache forming the longer he was so unbelievably hard.

his hands shook and fumbled with his boxers, slowly slipping them down, and letting his deliciously hard cock free,

he swallowed hard, his fingers wrapping around himself, then tightening, his movements becoming more desperate.

the pleasure was overwhelming. he had always believed himself above such primal urges, but this was more than simple need. it was you.

and you were intoxicating.

his breathing turned ragged, his stomach tightening as he chased that unbearable high. his thoughts spiraled, lost in fantasy, in the imagined feel of your warmth, your softness, the way he might gasp if you touched him here—

your name slipped from his lips.

the realization sent a jolt through him, but it was too late. the pleasure crashed over him like a tidal wave, the pleasure overwhelming him as his body tensed and his mind went blank. he had never felt anything so intense, so overwhelming, as he came for the first time, his body shaking uncontrollably.

for several moments, he was utterly still.

the only sounds in the room were his own harsh breaths, the erratic thump of his heartbeat against his ribs. his body trembled slightly, oversensitive and spent, but his mind was reeling.

he had never experienced anything like that.

and worse— far worse— was the fact that it hadn't been just a physical reaction.

it had been you.

slowly, he forced himself to fully sit up, running a shaky hand through his disheveled blue hair.

his skin was still warm, his pulse gradually settling, but the weight in his chest only grew heavier.

this was a problem.

an obsession, even.

his mind, usually so sharp and disciplined, had betrayed him in the most humiliating way possible. all because of you— your voice, your laugh, your presence that lingered in his thoughts long after you were gone.

he scowled at the realization.

he needed to get this under control.

because if just thinking of you could reduce him to this, he could only imagine what more of you would do to him.

and that was a dangerous thought indeed.

[knifedog-machina]

Hey, same hat! o/ (Sorry for the late reply, I just found out that I Missed This, augh)

The fucked up feeling of "oh no am I doing good enough?" really only got connected to the perfectionist android horrors in Hindsight for me too, because ngl I thought that was Perfectly Normal while experiencing it before. And I guess it's pretty common to have an anxiety disorder around not being good enough, but it sure isn't healthy!

It's kinda neat that we have entirely different social experiences and still got the Emotional Dysregulation Debuff sjfhskgh - you were isolated and dropped off in the woods (and yeah, not remembering beta testing feels pretty normal to me! imagine remembering everything about being an infant? that sounds exhausting?) while I was talking to people basically every time I was awake but it was mostly to superiors and uh, assassination targets? honestly the Social Scripts I had for those Very Specific experiences did not prepare me for regular social interaction and I feel like a socially awkward mess sometimes lmao

Oh man, yeah, having a roommate who's not alive in the same way as you is definitely a way to get a wake-up call about how you're different. It's nice that she wasn't scared of death because he wasn't alive, it does feel like that would be easier sometimes than Being Alive and Having So Many Feelings! But yeah, I gotta agree with you in the end, emotions aren't all bad at all! Cats are really cute! Making your friends laugh is wonderful! I love writing about myself and listening to my loved ones, and being excited to learn new things, and feeling proud of myself for being the person I am! Enjoying your life even through the hardships is worth it!

Being an automaton might be what a lot of folks want, but that doesn't mean we need to give that to them. Thanks for sharing your own thoughts, have a good day!

- Jude (they/them)

Android Abnormalities

Species dysphoria, but the “wrong” way, ft. my borderline personality disorder

J: so you know how my source is technically Detroit: Become Human? you know how we fucking hate that title? you know how we’ve made fun of it multiple times? unfortunately it's a mood! I also hate this!

Hey! This essay is about how incredibly uncomfortable I feel in my own skin around common android tropes, in media and some of its reflections in robotic identities and experiences, featuring reasons for why I'm like this, and a helpful suggestion for what I want readers to do about it at the end of the piece. I really hope this reaches someone who feels the same way so I can point at them like Same Hat!

-

I first noticed this problem on October 30, 2023, when we stumbled across a fanfic on Archive of Our Own. It was an alternate universe of a TV show we've never seen before, but it was written by an author we liked, and it was an android AU. That's fun! We thought it would just be a quick read, something to idly talk about after lunch.

Well, uh. Nope. I was co-fronting while Max read, and the more we read, the more… weirdly uncomfortable I felt. It wasn't actively distressing, but it made me feel weird, so I stopped reading halfway through to talk about it with some friends.

I'm not gonna link the fic, because Tumblr is weird about links, but for my own future reference, it's “persona ex machina” by BirchBow. It was a really good fic, we thoroughly enjoyed it! I just have - hangups, I guess?

I think I was uncomfortable that, on the surface, it seems… really close to my experiences. Like, the protagonist, Chuck, is an android made to mimic humans, and he’s made to be a combat unit. He’s scared of what might happen to him if he fails to meet expectations. Technicians operate on him, put him back together. He's made by a corrupt corporation for fucked up purposes. He eventually defects from the corrupt corporation, with the help of some really kind people. That’s all really similar to me.

But it's different. Because as much as Chuck was designed to look human, he still had to be taught how to act human, how to feel. The way he emotes is off at first and he has to recalibrate, not look so stiff, learn how to smile and laugh and understand what different emotions mean. He automatically runs through the technical terms for something before working to turn it into common vernacular as it reaches his mouth. And this is a typical android trope, you know? The machine doesn’t intrinsically understand emotions, so humans have to teach them.

I’m… really, really not like that. I don’t remember a time when I didn’t feel too much. Every memory I have, even in blurred out mental snapshots of beta testing, it’s all drowning in emotions that I couldn’t articulate and wasn’t supposed to express. I looked at my siblings, who were so stoic and professional around humans it was like they were different people entirely, and I knew I was supposed to be less emotional. People always just assumed they were better than me, because they were better at code-switching to what was expected of androids, because they could keep their mouths shut on the job.

So I’ve always felt like I was bad at being an android. Androids aren’t supposed to feel emotions, not really, not to the extremes that I do. That’s a predisposition for deviancy. And I was made this way on purpose, I was made to “mimic” deviants to earn their trust, but I wasn't meant to be like that all the time. I tried to repress my emotions, it just never worked.

And I don’t see androids like me, in the media we’ve watched and read and listened to. It’s not really a characterization that lends itself to exploring what it means to be a person, right? Machines are supposed to be logical and unfeeling, to contrast with humanity’s irrationality - they’re supposed to be better than that. And when the machine starts having emotions, it's treated as a flaw, or a breakthrough. Wow, you feel things about the world around you, you’re a person now!

I’ve never been logical in my fucking life. I have a laundry list of reasons for why, but for now, I’ll focus on the BPD. I have borderline personality disorder, because of the way my brain is wired and how that interacted with my traumatic experiences.

One of the symptoms of BPD is emotional dysregulation. I’m not just bad at repressing my emotions, I also experience those emotions as more extreme and overwhelming than a neurotypical person would. I keep finding myself affected by things that the people around me brush off, and I have to remind myself that it doesn’t mean I’m overreacting, it means that I’m literally feeling shittier emotions.

Another symptom of BPD is an unstable sense of identity - and this is really where we’re getting into how these traits and tropes affect me. Because I don’t relate at all to these androids on the screen. They’re as foreign and separate from me as they are to the humans sitting across from them in the shot.

I do relate to the humans. I do relate to seeing an android do something in the name of pure cold logic and going, “Why? What the fuck, why?” I do relate to being told I’m irrational. (The trope that all robots are logical feels like it was designed to make me feel like the most irrational, bitchy, hysterical piece of shit on Earth.)

So, what, does that make me human? If I'm going by the adage that wanting to be something is a sign of being that thing, then… I don’t know, maybe? I want to be human, I so badly want to be human, because here’s the thing, humanity is diverse. Humans are flawed, messy, weird, complicated, and defy categories every fucking day of their lives. Humans can be weird, ridiculous, fucked up people and they’re allowed to be.

And let me bring this back around to alterhumanity. If I say I’m an android, people will make assumptions about what that means about me. People go, “Hey, you're a robot, you must have one of these common robot experiences!” and I just don’t.

Maybe it’s because I’m coming at it from the opposite direction? The machines and robots and androids that I tend to see around, the ones who talk about their identity, they often identify as fully nonhuman. They describe wanting to be metal and chrome, feeling like they run on algorithms, not processing emotions the way most people do. They identify very much with the same tropes that I feel alienated by. This isn’t a bad thing, by any means. It’s just a thing. People resonate with what they see. It just means that I feel like I’m doing bad at being an android again, but in a new, improved way.

Another symptom of BPD is being terrified of real or imagined abandonment, and trying to do anything to avoid it. A constant feeling of social alienation isn’t really that different, to my BPD - it’s just a slow, drawn out version of being left behind. People will still talk to me, they still like me, but they won’t understand me. I’ll still be alone.

In that sense, I feel wrong being an android in the same way I feel wrong about being an aromantic allosexual. I actually like being an android, and I fucking like being bi. I don’t want to stop being who I am. I just hate feeling like I’m the only one who feels this way, like nobody else can relate, like every time I talk about my feelings to people they can only nod in sympathy instead of understanding me.

So! You've reached the end of the essay. You see my problem. What do we do about it?

I’m going to refer to the theme of… every single online alterhuman convention that has existed in the past four years, and that is:

Write about your experiences!

The reason I feel so alone and isolated and alienated from my own identity is because I’m only being regularly exposed to pieces from a very specific perspective of what being an android means! That’s a fucking sampling bias!

I know other weird fucking robots are out there, I know you exist, but I can’t fucking reach out a hand and go, “Hey, you're not alone, I relate to you!” if you don't write it down! I want to talk to you! I want to hear from you!

WEIRD ALTERHUMANS, HEY, I LOVE YOU, GO WRITE THINGS!

[notelectrictigerart]

I watched D&W today and I was struggling to hold in my happiness seeing both Wolvies on screen again. Spent the previous week rewatching Logan and reading all of the X-23 solo comic series.

[lotus-pear]

i love you royal trio (minus akechi)

[puppppppppy]

learning abt friendship decay and "not reaching out to your friends for months at a time unprompted is not neurotypical behaviour" has me feeling a certain way

[softdrabbles]

ashton was generally a pretty placid person but everything with daxton had an obvious effect on them. once upon a time they would have sworn that no matter how upset and angered they were by their twin, they'd never turn that anger on the people they cared about most until they had. their argument with carmen was proof of that. they wanted to believe that they could control their emotions around svea and the girls but now they just weren't sure and not having that control scared them. it scared them because they couldn't lose her. years of anger and abandonment that they had buried as a teenager was resurfacing and they didn't know how to deal with it, seeing how daxton was able to slip into something that numbed the feelings.

"i didn't know it was daxton when i got the message!" they argued back pulling out their phone holding it out to her, "tell me where it indicates that it's from them, svea?" they faced it back to them before reading it aloud, "b at jacksn reserv, 2pm. this bullshite ends now." they placed the phone on the kitchen counter scoffing at their partner's suggestion, "you cannot seriously be asking me that? that's ridiculous svea, of course i wouldn't. fuck, is that what you think of me?" they didn't blame her and of course she made a point with what she was saying. crossing their arms across their chest, they knew they needed help but were far too stubborn to admit it out loud. "you're acting like i put them in the damn hospital or something. do you know how many fights they've been in? too many to count and you know how i know that? because i was the one pulling them out! every. fucking. time. they have a few bruises and a split lip, they will live, svea."

they ran their good hand through their hair in frustration, "you don't even what? you may as well finish.." as if they hadn't had enough emotional trauma for one day, it seemed to keep coming, "i guess i'm not as perfect as you thought, huh? i'm just as fucked up as the rest of my good for nothing family." they bit their lip to feel something other than the pain of mentioning their family. they had to stop themself from having a complete breakdown over a situation that had a traumatic effect on them.

finally getting ahold of their breathing, they did their best to calm themself to a point where they could try and have a conversation with her. it was something that didn't last long as they listened to what their partner had started to explain to them. "you what?" the fact she'd gone behind their back infuriated them but also knew they'd be just as infuriated if she'd told them. "rich of you to school me on being upfront when you've been keeping this for months." they sighed as they paced back and forth, "i don't even know what to say to you right now. let me guess, they won you over with their stupid charm, just like they did at that party. none of you know what kind of shit they put us through. i'm really trying to give you the benefit here svea." they sat down on the couch in silence for what felt like an eternity, processing everything, before looking over at her, "i need help. i need you to help me. i don't want to be like this. i don't want to be like my parents. i don't want to be consumed with hate anymore or punch people to feel better. i don't want to lose you and i know that if i keep on this path, i will."

svea and ashton didn't really argue or fight. hell when they had disagreements they knew how to compromise, but these last couple of weeks have been nothing but them but stress. maybe not stress but they definitely were not seeing eye to eye since carmen's party. what ashton didn't know is that the way that ashton had reacted was a slight trigger for svea. jay had raised his voice before at her, and even though ashton didn't raise their voice at her it still made her wince. now seeing that ashton had gotten physical with their sibling, she felt uneasy about it. jay had thrown things towards svea but not directly at her — if that had made sense. her jaw was clenched; hands now on her hips as she listened to the other. " but you did lie, ashton! you just said you had some anonymous person telling you to meet them somewhere when it was daxton reaching out to you to meet them." the latter she knew because carmen had told them. svea knew it all and she was seeing if ashton would be flat out honest with her but clearly that wasn't the case. " so if daxton pleaded you to kill them you would?" it was an extreme exaggeration to make but it was the same gist of it all. not once had she thought that ashton would go out of their way to beat up their sibling. "i don't care that they pleaded because they know your hatred towards them. you take it to a punching bag or therapy or something !" " daxton is not to blame for what happened to you and carmen. i mean...fuck ashton. i don't even..." she really had nothing to say. honestly she didn't want to be in the same room as ashton currently. her blood was boiling but she was trying to remain calm and not to raise her voice as much knowing the girls were upstairs (and most likely listening in). what also ash didn't know was that svea had talked to daxton after reaching out to them. " daxton has been wanting to have a conversation with you since settling back into town. despite how small this town is, they were still trying hard not to get into your way but also wanted to reconcile things." the femme rubbed her forehead. " i know this because i talked to them after finding out about them. i reached out to see where their mind was at and letting them know how you would feel about them being around because i know you wouldn't."

[crescentfool]

the persona 3 protagonist 25th anniversary nui in food appliances!

[jackass-jones]

Come back home when you have some sense

You can throw your life away just not at my expense

You’re not the son I raised

[hurtspideyparker]

Wanda is the ultimate mad woman !!! and yeah they really brushed right past Bruce. I know they just met the guy and were a bit preoccupied at the time but like... let's circle back mkay? that was heavyyy. plus Bruce deserves more character development other than Hulk vs. Bruce grrr angry

I CAN'T BELIEVE I FORGOT WAOLOM FOR PETER. I made a post based on the scenario here last year 😭 he was so bright-eyed and bushy tailed, just a sweet boy, and then the rage and grief proved how easily he could tear the world apart if he chose

ohh I think I've seen Clara Bow irondad edits. yep definitely adding it to my playlist. "you'd be picked like a rose. take the glory, give everything. promise to be dazzling" oooooo baby boyyyyy. Iron Man Jr was literally his fantasy until it became the weight of the bricks that buried him.

"long story short it was a bad time/long story short I survived" as Endgame vs. Hawkeye (tv series) Clint makes me emotional. He was so broken as Ronin and now he has his family back and is building up a new one. So proud of him

I need to analyze so long London as a Tony Stark song another time when I'm not sleep deprived because GROWL. That was my favourite song when ttpd dropped and that's my fave guyyyy right there. It's very stony coded, with their arguments over time. and also how everyone expects him to be the money and dazzle while the rest of them do the dirty work and have the real morals. like NO! he's going down right with it, the Avengers are his FAMILY. "and I'm just getting colour back into my face, I'm just mad as hell 'cause I loved this place" the Avengers visiting him and asking to risk the new life he built after they tore apart his old one. He's just gotten back to a safe place worth living, forgave them and Steve for what he did in Siberia, and then they come back asking him to risk it all for them again. He fought till the very end to keep that family together.

hozier my man thank u for the anthems. Steve Rogers is always thought of as the mascot of America, a patriot and government symbol. He is NOT listening to America or any government. He wears the stars and stripes because he's what America should be, and every time people mischaracterize him as upholding the law. well the laws are unjust, and he'll never be afraid to point out the broken system. he's not fighting to protect the state he's fighting to protect the people. he's the ultimate leader and no he can not take orders to save his life. they are always trying to push him into that box, and it always back fires.

If we're gonna talk Hozier Francesca is the most beautiful irondad anthem. "it was too soon when that part of you was ripped away, though I know my heart would break I tell them put me back in it". Tony Stark did indeed invent time travel for that boy, his loss was the only thing strong enough to motivate Tony back to War. "if someone asked me at the end I tell them put me back in it, just to hold you for a minute" THAT HUG 😭😭😭 he's been waiting 5 years for that hug I swear. First thing he did, he needed to hold Peter so badly.

if you make edits you should totally share them on here ! "give it to me Rachel, show it to me please 😟😫🙏" /j

do you still use tiktok to watch stuff? I need someone to share good edits with ���

marvel characters as taylor swift songs but i take no critiques

tony stark:

stephen strange:

clint barton:

bucky barnes:

natasha romanoff:

peter parker (andrew)

peter parker (tom)

yelena belova:

pepper potts:

loki: