#every time I set my 5 am alarm it takes a year off my life

[whatifitis]

♡ Cursing The Daylight - LN 4 ♡

Summary: Lando hates knowing you never sleep well so when he believes he's figured out why, he makes it his mission to save his sleepy girlfriend from sleep deprivation.

Author's note: A little blurb thing I wrote at 2 am. I tried my best 😭

WC: 1045

CW: Lando being a bit dumb and the sweetest person ever, fluff

You were currently cursing the daylight, watching as a blue bird flew past your window.

Fucker 

It was yet another sleepless night in your apartment. You continued to stare at your alarm clock, waiting for it to go off, a little reminder that if you were capable of sleeping properly, you’d still have 5 more minutes of sleep. 

For most of your life, especially in recent years, you’ve never been able to get a full night's rest. You’d always end up tossing and turning for hours, as well as waking up about 7 times a night. Every day you would feel irritated and restless due to your lack of sleep. 

However, whenever you slept over at your boyfriend's house, you always managed to get a good night's sleep. You and your boyfriend, Lando, have been together for about 5 months. The first night you two had spent together, was the first time you’d been able to sleep well. You woke up bright and early and you felt amazing, like nothing could stop you. 

Over the course of your relationship, Lando came to be aware of your inability to sleep well most nights. Whenever you would sleep in your own apartment, Lando would receive mass amounts of texts from you, all about how you slept terribly and that you either needed a nap or many coffees. 

Lando, being the ever so lovely person he is, picked up on something. The only times you would get a good night's sleep, waking up and not needing to complain about anything and everything, was when you slept at his place. 

The mattress! The boy thought, she sleeps better at mine cause my mattress is fucking mint. 

Upon realizing this, Lando goes and orders the same exact mattress he has, and has it sent to yours. He thought it’d be a nice surprise for you so that you can get a goodnight sleep every night. Another plus would be that you guys are coming up on your 6 month anniversary, this counts as a gift right?, thinks Lando. 

The day Lando gets an email stating that the mattress was out for delivery, he books it to your place, wanting to be there to see your reaction to his gift and so that he could help you bring it in and set it up. 

Lando arrives at your apartment, greeted by you with a massive smile and sparkling eyes. He wastes no time in pulling you to him by your hips and wrapping his arms around your torso. As you wrap your arms around his neck you say, “As much as I love seeing you, what are you doing here? I thought we were going to meet up later tonight for movie night.”

As Lando pulls away to look at you, the postman has just arrived. “That’s why.” he says, smiling cheekily and pointing to the truck behind him. 

The both of you watch as the postman begins to unload the mattress from the vehicle, before Lando jumps in and helps the man drag the mattress to the door of your apartment. 

Whilst Lando and the man bring the mattress into your apartment, you stand there dumbfounded. 

What the actual fuck is going on? The only thing I’ve ordered to my apartment is a new book and I don’t think the book is that big? Wait, did I order the right thing?!

As soon as the box is in your living area, you confront Lando, “Lan, my love, my gorgeous boy… what the fuck?” you ask, pointing at the big ass box in your living area. 

Your Lan stands there next to the box, all but swaying as he stands and gives you the biggest smile he could plaster on his face. 

The cheeky fuck. 

“It’s a mattress!” he says as he poses next to it, adding a pose for effect. 

“A mattress?” you ask.

“A mattress.” 

After a moment of silence, where you contemplated whether to strangle him or take his credit card away from him, you ask “Why?”

“Cause, you’re always tired and you never sleep well unless you’re at my place. So I figured out why! It’s because you find my mattress to feel so much better and comfier. I even ordered the same bed sheets I have, but I got yours in green since it’s your favorite color. They should be here tomorrow though so for tonight you can spend the night with me or we can use your old sheets.” he proposes, smiling so wide it makes your heart melt from the sweetness that you don’t deserve. 

He gets you the same mattress he has in his home, for your home. 

“I sleep better at yours because you’re there. Not because of the mattress, you muppet!” you exclaim. 

You watch as Lando’s face immediately drops, “what?” he asks. He’s truly been stunned with this information, “What’d you mean it’s not because of the mattress? You mean to tell me I haven’t helped solve your sleeping issues?! I thought I was smarter than all the doctors you’ve seen for this issue!”

You can’t help but laugh at your boyfriend's statement. 

“Gorgeous, you thought that of all the doctors I’ve seen… that none of them have thought that I was sleeping on an uncomfortable mattress?” 

Lando just stood there silent, blankly staring at a wall, likely contemplating all his life choices. 

“Fuck. So, do you not want the mattress? Seems like a hassle to return.” he states as he scratches the back of his neck, wondering how he’s going to return the heavy ass box. “Wait, you sleep better when you’re around me?” he looks at you, somewhat shocked. 

You walk up to him, taking his hands in yours and making him look you in the eyes, “Gorgeous, in the time we’ve been together, we’ve slept on couches and several different mattresses. And I always sleep well no matter where or what we are sleeping on. I sleep better because I’m with you, I feel safe with you.”

“Oh… oh!” he giggles a bit. Red starts to lightly color his face, he’s blushing, “That’s nice.”

You don’t think you’ve met anyone more awkward than this man, but you love him because of that, not in spite of it. 

[snowysosturn]

Speeding Car -Matt Sturniolo Part 6

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 Part 19 Part 20 Part 21 Part 22 Part 23 Part 24 Part 25 Part 26 Part 27 Part 28 Part 29

Pairing : y/n x Matt Sturniolo

Summary : After six years with your boyfriend Alex, you start to mentally check out. At a UCLA party, Alex reconnects with his childhood friend Emily, who proposes a double date with her boyfriend Matt. Your attraction to Matt grows as he pays you the first real attention you've had in years, sparking a complicated emotional journey.

Warnings : MDNI, swearing, unhappy relationship, disappointment, angst

Returning to the apartment, I noticed a Dior purse left on the coffee table in the living room.

“Shit, Emily must have left it behind..” I think to myself. I reach for my phone to throw her a quick text to see if they wanted to turn around and come get it. I put in my passcode but my phone lags, powering off completely. I take it for what it is, maybe it’s just a situation I need to leave alone. Alex can get it back to her somehow.

I got myself a glass of water and took myself to bed. I slipped in beside Alex and gave him a kiss on the forehead, every memory of when things were good flashed through my brain. How can I get it to be like that again? I turned on my side and went to sleep.

My alarm went off at the crack of dawn, and I rolled out of bed, careful not to wake Alex. He had a long day ahead and I knew he needed his rest for training. I threw on my Target uniform, grabbed a quick breakfast, and left a note for Alex on the fridge: "Have a great day! See you tonight. xx."

Work was the usual grind, but having Jess on shift with me made it that much easier. During our break, we sat in the staffroom, sipping lukewarm coffee.

"God, I am so bored with my life right now." Jess said, sighing dramatically. "Same old routine, day in and day out."

I nodded in agreement. "Tell me about it. I feel like I’m constantly stuck in a rut."

Jess perked up, a mischievous look in her eye. "Why don’t you come out with me tonight? There's this new nightclub in Downtown LA. It’ll be fun! Something spontaneous to break the monotony."

I hesitated. "It’s a Tuesday, Jess. I need to have dinner ready for Alex when he gets home from training. Maybe another time?"

She rolled her eyes playfully. "You’re such a good girlfriend. But seriously, you deserve a break too. You’re 23 not 73, live a little!"

I shrugged, trying to push away the feeling that I was missing out. "Maybe you’re right. But tonight, I think I’m going to try and do something special with Alex. They don’t have games coming up straight away, so training shouldn’t be too intense."

Jess gave me an encouraging smile. "That sounds nice, offer still stands even if you change your mind!”

As the hours of my shift passed, I decided to take the initiative. After all, seeing Matt so happy with Emily had reminded me of what I wanted, what I needed, with Alex. I went into the staff bathrooms and shot Alex a quick message: "Hey, how about we go bowling tonight? I thought it’d be fun to do something together."

Surprisingly, he replied almost immediately. "Sure, sounds fun! Let’s do it."

I felt a small spark of hope. Maybe this was a sign to focus on our relationship, to reignite the flame that had been fading. Determined to make the evening special, I planned to cook Alex’s favorite meal and set the table nicely. I wanted everything to be perfect.

After my shift, I rushed home, picking up everything I needed. Once in the kitchen, I meticulously prepared the meal, arranging the table with candles and our best silverware. By the time everything was ready, I felt a sense of accomplishment. Tonight would be great, I was sure of it.

Just as I finished setting the last plate, my phone buzzed. I glanced at the screen, expecting a message from Alex letting me know he was on his way. Instead, my heart sank as I read his text.

"Hey, got some news! I got promoted to captain of the football team! Going to celebrate with the boys tonight. I’ll make it up to you, I promise."

The excitement and anticipation I had felt all day drained away in an instant, replaced by a heavy weight in my chest. I stared at the beautifully set table, the meal I had prepared with such care, and felt a lump form in my throat. This was supposed to be our night.

I took a deep breath, trying to steady myself. "Congratulations Al!" I typed back. "That’s amazing news. Enjoy your celebration. I love you!”

I didn't feel as enthusiastic as the words portrayed. I knew Alex meant well, and his promotion was a big deal, but it still hurt. Tonight was supposed to be about us, and now I was left alone again.

I blew out the candles and put away the silverware, wrapping up the meal to save for another night. As I cleaned up, I couldn’t help but think about Matt and Emily again. Seeing them together had made me want to work harder on my relationship with Alex, but now I wondered if it was even worth it. Did he still care as much as I did? Or was I just fooling myself?

I sat down on the couch, the apartment eerily quiet. Maybe Jess was right, I did deserve a break. But for tonight, I’d settle for a glass of wine and a good cry.

Matt’s POV

I was in the kitchen, opening the fridge to get a rootbeer when Emily’s phone buzzed with a message. She picked it up, her eyes lighting up as she read it.

“What’s up?” I asked, leaning against the counter.

“It’s Alex” she said, a smile spreading across her face. “He just got promoted to captain of the football team and a few people from our class are going out to celebrate tonight.”

I nodded, feeling a mix of emotions. “That’s great news. You should go and celebrate with them. I can give you a ride downtown.”

Emily’s fingers flew over her phone, sending a quick message. “I just text Y/n to see if she’s going too and what she’s wearing” she said, glancing up at me.

I wondered if she’d be going out tonight, too. Emily tried calling her, but there was no answer. She frowned, looking slightly irritated.

“She’s not picking up. I need my Dior purse for tonight. I left it at her place yesterday.”

“I can go get it for you while you're getting ready, if you want?” I offered, hoping to make things easier.

Emily smiled, leaning in to kiss my cheek. “You’re the best. Thanks, babe.”

I grabbed my keys and headed out. The drive to her apartment was quick, but my mind was racing with thoughts about Emily and our relationship. I loved her, but lately, things had been rough. Her behavior at the party had been a clear reminder of the cracks in our foundation. And the remains of our fallout of the party were just swept into the cracks. Nothing was cemented again.

When I arrived at the apartment, I hesitated for a moment before knocking. The door opened, and there she was. Immediately, I could see she had been crying. Her eyes were red, and she looked surprised to see me.

“Hey” I said softly, my concern genuine. “Emily sent me over to get her Dior purse. Are you okay?”

She forced a smile, but it didn’t reach her eyes. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just a rough day.”

I nodded, not wanting to push her. “Do you need to talk about it?”

She shook her head. “No, it’s okay. I’ll get the purse. Hold on.”

She disappeared inside, and I stood there, feeling an overwhelming urge to comfort her. When she returned, she handed me the purse, her hands trembling slightly.

“Thanks” I said, taking it from her. “If you need anything, you know you can call me, right?”

She nodded, her eyes meeting mine briefly before looking away. “Yeah, thanks, Matt.”

I hesitated, not wanting to leave her like this. “You sure you’re okay?”

She sighed, standing in the doorframe. “I’m sure, thank you Matt”

I gave her a reassuring smile. She nodded, and I turned to leave, feeling a heavy weight in my chest. I couldn’t understand why she was so upset when her boyfriend was out celebrating. It made me question why she wasn’t out too. I couldn’t stop thinking of her tear streaked face. It wasn’t right that she was feeling this way, and I wasn’t okay with the fact I was aware of it.

When I got back home, Emily was still getting ready, her excitement through the roof. She turned to me, holding up a dress. “How do I look?”

“Beautiful” I said, though my thoughts were still with the girl I had just left behind. “Are you sure Y/n’s not coming? She didn’t say much when I was there.”

Emily checked her phone. “No response yet. I hope she does, though. It’d be fun to have her there.”

I nodded, seeing at the corner of my eye that Emily never even message Y/n. I tried to push my concerns aside. Tonight was supposed to be a celebration, but all I could think about was the girl who was left behind.

After dropping Emily off in Downtown LA, I watched her hurry off to meet Alex and their classmates. But as I drove away, the knot in my stomach tightened. I couldn't stop thinking about the tears in Y/n’s eyes earlier, the sadness in her voice trying to convince me everything was okay. It didn’t sit right with me, leaving her like that. I sighed, making a U turn and heading back to her apartment. Something was wrong, and I wasn’t going to let her spend the night alone, wallowing in whatever had upset her..

a/n: things are starting to happeeeeen…i have started on part 7 last night, still on holiday and heading to LA tomorrow for a few days so i’ll try my best to update asap

taglist : @muwapsturniolo @anitahunt @sturnfannn @jayde510 @chrissfavhoe @babyalliah-777 @v33angel @urmom69lol @willowrites @ribread03 @2muchofaslvt @sturnsaver @sleepysturniolo @jcsturniolo11 @jessie-essie @immattsslut @mynbbys @sturniolopanini @mattsturnxoxo @delicatechrry @t77te @sturnsyaper69

[rotten-pomegranates-fics]

Happy Easter! 🐇) Hiiii, in the headcanons you did about the reader who escaped for years, how long do you think it would take for the characters to trust their darling after escape attempt?

Have a wonderful day! 🫶

I will have a wonderful day(it’s 5:00 in the morning where I am) thank you

Warnings: torture

/|\^._.^/|\ /|\^._.^/|\ /|\^._.^/|\

Feitan

Feitan will never trust you again your gonna be used as a slave for the rest of your life once he gets you back

He might give you privileges like cooking or having a bed back but when he has a meeting with the troupe your chained to the wall

If you ask him for forgiveness he’s gonna straight up cackle in your face and rough you up a bit

The only reason your aloud to cook is because he wants to eat without having to make food so you do it

Shalnark

Shalnark is gonna take a while and you may start to think you got his trust back early on you didn’t he’s just tricking you into thinking that so you let your guard down

He’s gonna keep you in a dog cage until he trust you again, a big dog cage with lots of fluffy pillows and blankets but still a dog bed

He might fully treat you like a dog for a while just to humiliate you, making you beg for food and water every time you wanted some, and you gotta drink and eat it out of a bowl to

He holds a lot of stuff over your head after that, you won’t suck him off to get rid of his morning wood? Remember how nice he was when you ran away, he could have been cruel

He just uses it to guilt trip you

Phinks

Phinks folds the quickest, hearing your little cries coming from the room he locked you in is to much and he wants to hold and comfort you

He doesn’t give you all your privileges back and he’ll never fully trust you again but it’s better then nothing

He expects you to put an effort in your “relationship” now including intimate situations as well, he wants you to do stuff not just lay there and cry

Illumi

Illumi was livid when you escaped and he was livid when he found you, your never gonna get privileges or trust back

He just uses you a an incubator for his heir until he has one and after he has his fairly large family your going on birth control and your just his sex toy that he uses for stress relief

He’ll let you have a knife for cooking which he also makes you do all off

He’s gonna be hitting you a lot more as well, if he didn’t do it often before he does now

Hisoka

You don’t get privileges, you don’t even get to eat most of the time, your his personal flesh light until he forgives and stops beating you up every chance he gets but your still his personal sex doll and your only job is to warm his bed from now on

He’ll let you freely use the bathroom and eat without begging but don’t take it for granted because he can hold a grudge

If you start asking for stuff again he might beat you up to remind you of your place again so just don’t

Chrollo

You better have enjoyed your little vacation because your never gonna see the light of day again, your tied up in his basement, attached to a little bed with access to a small kitchen and a bathroom but it’s far from freedom

He’s still gonna get you pretty dresses but they are only for him to see

He’s never gonna trust you, he’s gonna hold everything over your head from now on, he got you a tight skimpy dress that you don’t even like? Your gonna have to set an alarm because he wants to wake up to a blow job to make his morning wood go down

It’s not gonna be the worst but it won’t be nearly what it was before

©rotten-pomegranate- All rights reserved, don’t steal, translate, copy, plagiarize, claim my work as your own or post it on other platforms.

[rotten-pomegranate]

(Happy Easter! 🐇) Hiiii, in the headcanons you did about the reader who escaped for years, how long do you think it would take for the characters to trust their darling after escape attempt? Have a wonderful day! 🫶

I will have a wonderful day(it’s 5:00 in the morning where I am) thank you

Warnings: torture

/|\^._.^/|\ /|\^._.^/|\ /|\^._.^/|\ /|\^._.^/|\

Feitan

Feitan will never trust you again your gonna be used as a slave for the rest of your life once he gets you back

He might give you privileges like cooking or having a bed back but when he has a meeting with the troupe your chained to the wall

If you ask him for forgiveness he’s gonna straight up cackle in your face and rough you up a bit

The only reason your aloud to cook is because he wants to eat without having to make food so you do it

Shalnark

Shalnark is gonna take a while and you may start to think you got his trust back early on you didn’t he’s just tricking you into thinking that so you let your guard down

He’s gonna keep you in a dog cage until he trust you again, a big dog cage with lots of fluffy pillows and blankets but still a dog bed

He might fully treat you like a dog for a while just to humiliate you, making you beg for food and water every time you wanted some, and you gotta drink and eat it out of a bowl to

He holds a lot of stuff over your head after that, you won’t suck him off to get rid of his morning wood? Remember how nice he was when you ran away, he could have been cruel

He just uses it to guilt trip you

Phinks

Phinks folds the quickest, hearing your little cries coming from the room he locked you in is to much and he wants to hold and comfort you

He doesn’t give you all your privileges back and he’ll never fully trust you again but it’s better then nothing

He expects you to put an effort in your “relationship” now including intimate situations as well, he wants you to do stuff not just lay there and cry

Illumi

Illumi was livid when you escaped and he was livid when he found you, your never gonna get privileges or trust back

He just uses you a an incubator for his heir until he has one and after he has his fairly large family your going on birth control and your just his sex toy that he uses for stress relief

He’ll let you have a knife for cooking which he also makes you do all off

He’s gonna be hitting you a lot more as well, if he didn’t do it often before he does now

Hisoka

You don’t get privileges, you don’t even get to eat most of the time, your his personal flesh light until he forgives and stops beating you up every chance he gets but your still his personal sex doll and your only job is to warm his bed from now on

He’ll let you freely use the bathroom and eat without begging but don’t take it for granted because he can hold a grudge

If you start asking for stuff again he might beat you up to remind you of your place again so just don’t

Chrollo

You better have enjoyed your little vacation because your never gonna see the light of day again, your tied up in his basement, attached to a little bed with access to a small kitchen and a bathroom but it’s far from freedom

He’s still gonna get you pretty dresses but they are only for him to see

He’s never gonna trust you, he’s gonna hold everything over your head from now on, he got you a tight skimpy dress that you don’t even like? Your gonna have to set an alarm because he wants to wake up to a blow job to make his morning wood go down

It’s not gonna be the worst but it won’t be nearly what it was before

©rotten-pomegranate- All rights reserved, don’t steal, translate, copy, plagiarize, claim my work as your own or post it on other platforms.

[fratboykate]

Okay woahhh!! What was Yelena’s reaction to the interview? Something tells me she’ll be a little bit pissed/guarded at first? Cuz why after all this time is Kate saying that on tv and not to her? Or is Kate just so hot in the interview cuz I get it, Yelena is only human. Is she not with Monica anymore at this point? How do they break up? I am foaming at the mouth. BG wasn’t even my favorite AU of yours but your obsession with it has roped me in and now it’s haunting my every thought!!!

oh boy Yelena is not going to be happy is she. I do not see this confrontation ending well. we technically still have one year left sooo 👀👀👀

//-\\

Here's 4.8k of...yeah...lol

---

Yelena wakes before the sun.

The alarm buzzes at 4:30AM, low and discreet, just enough to rouse her without disturbing the body taking up the other half of the bed. The room is still. Painted in shadows. She lies for a moment, eyes open, listening. The hush of the house. The distant bark of a dog. The slow, even rhythm of breath beside her.

Jemma Simmons is sprawled on her stomach, one arm slung across Yelena’s ribs, the other tucked beneath the pillow. Brown hair tousled, fanned across the mattress. Yelena’s old t-shirt bunched high on her thigh and one bare shoulder exposed in the faint moonlight. Cheek pressed into the sheets, lips parted.

Yelena moves carefully. Untangles. Rolls free of the blankets with precision. Her feet hit the floorboards exactly where they always do. The floor is cold. It doesn’t bother her.

Jemma shifts. Her breathing changes, but she doesn’t wake. Yelena glances back once. She lets herself look.

Then she moves. Like a soldier. She dresses in the dark. Sports bra, sweats, old sneakers. Pulls her hair into a tight braid.

///

Her gym downstairs is state-of-the-art, and already humming to life by 4:42. Protein powder, filtered water, a banana she hates but forces down. She moves through the space in silence. Reps, sets, pull-ups. Bag work. Fifteen minutes on the rowing machine. Her bra darkens with perspiration. Sweat beads at the small of her back. Her skin glows with heat.

She trains in silence. No music. Just the rhythm of her breath and the soft clack of weights, the churn of the treadmill, the occasional grunt as she pushes through a last set.

Two scars catch the overhead light when she rotates. One beneath her ribs. One under her clavicle. Clean entry wounds. Clean exits. Two bullets she never dodged. Both taken for the same woman.

She doesn’t think about that anymore.

///

By 5:30 she’s got a second protein shake in one hand and a phone in the other. Her Bluetooth buds are in. She’s halfway through a video call with her team in Tokyo while simultaneously scanning an incident report from a venue in São Paulo. One of her clients, a pop star barely old enough to rent a car, had a stalker get too close during a meet and greet. The guy was apprehended. Security held. But Yelena still rips into them in two separate languages.

Her phone pings. Updates from the London team. A CEO’s daughter got spooked mid-vacation. Wants her detail reassessed before the next stop. Yelena sends a voice note:

“Pull Rollins and Falsworth from the production in South Africa, reassign them to her. Put two advance on the ground. Sweep the primary lodging top to bottom before touchdown. Perimeter, locks, staff, and adjacent units. If anything’s off, scrap it. Have her team relocate her. Give them options we’ve already cleared on previous runs.”

///

Yelena showers at 7:00 sharp. The water runs hot. She leans into it. Eyes closed. Head tilted back. Steam curling to her skin. She exhales slowly, centering herself.

When she steps out, towel slung low, Jemma’s already up…propped against pillows, tablet in hand, glasses slipping down her nose.

“You’re terrifying when you talk logistics,” Jemma murmurs without looking up.

“Did I wake you up?” Yelena asks, toweling off.

“Sort of. They must’ve fucked up bad.”

“They let someone on our watch list get close enough to grab a mic stand. Should’ve never made it past secondary. I have no patience for bullshit mistakes.”

Jemma looks over her glasses. Smirks.

“You’re sexy when you’re bossy.”

Yelena’s eyebrows lift. A hum, deep in her throat. Yelena climbs back into bed. Jemma tugs the towel loose from Yelena’s body.

"Yeah?"

Jemma tosses the tablet aside. “Yeah.”

Jemma pulls her in by the wrist. Kisses her slow. Familiar. Body still warm from sleep, tongue lazy and teasing. What follows isn’t rushed. It’s the opposite. Familiar. Slow. Hands tracing territory already claimed. Jemma mouths at the edge of one scar. Then the other. Yelena doesn’t stop her. They move together like people who’ve mapped and memorized each other’s bodies. Grounded. The rhythm easy, natural, no fumbling. No urgency. Just heat and trust and skin.

Jemma rolls on top. Yelena lets her.

///

A faint gold glow across the sheets. The sun’s high in the sky by the time it ends. Jemma sprawled half on top of her. Yelena’s hands threaded in her hair. Their breaths syncing again. Jemma pulls back, eyes still heavy.

“You’re not as scary in the morning as you pretend to be.”

“Not with you…But I can be if you want me to.”

“You can be mean to me tonight.” Jemma says playfully.

Yelena smiles, hums.

“Do I have to wait?”

Jemma shakes her head no. Yelena grins, rolls them over. Her turn to be on top.

///

By 8:30 they’re barefoot in the kitchen. Yelena makes omelets. Jemma handles coffee. Jemma insists on grapefruit today. Yelena grimaces through it.

The news plays softly in the background. Jemma leans against the counter in one of Yelena’s hoodies, texting someone from the lab. There’s laughter. Eye contact. Shared glances over mugs of coffee. There’s a rhythm to the way they move. Brushing shoulders, grazing knuckles as they pass plates around, things handed over before the other even asks. A domesticity that used to feel foreign and now just…is.

They talk about scheduling. About whose turn it is to pick up the dry cleaning. About a conference Jemma’s supposed to fly out for next month. About someone needing to make a toilet paper run.

It’s solid. Happy. The kind of quiet, stable, good that doesn’t have to declare itself out loud. Normal in a way Yelena never imagined for herself.

They’re talking about kids. Not casually. Not vaguely. Not someday. Not maybe. Real conversations. Late at night. About timelines. About space. About where the nursery would go. Maybe Yelena has to live without an office? Yelena never thought she’d want that. Now it’s all she can think about.

Jemma leans in to kiss her goodbye. Then leans in again, just because.

///

At 9AM, Yelena’s at HQ. Her office is in West Hollywood. Sleek, secure, top floor of a building she now owns. Her firm’s name is not on the directory. On purpose.

Inside: organized chaos. A war room humming with screens, feeds, overlapping time zones. Field teams repporting in. Voices cutting in over comms.

She moves through it like this is her kingdom. It is.

Conference calls. Secure transfers. Clearance checks. She personally interviews a last-minute hire because the background check smells off. She wasn’t wrong.

By noon she’s reviewed three clients’ travel itineraries, coordinated a security sweep for a private retreat in Napa, and told a Netflix VP to fire an entire on-site detail after a leak to TMZ.

Her clients are all famous. Or rich. Or both. People who live under glass and pretend they don’t feel the heat through it. Her day is tour schedules, film sets, and paparazzi choke points. Yelena makes sure they’re protected. She sees the threats no one else does. She’s not the kind of CEO who delegates and disappears. She’s hands-on. Present. Sharp enough to catch shit before it happens.

She handles it all with crisp efficiency, reading off her tablet while pacing the length of her office.

When an intern knocks, Yelena doesn’t stop moving.

“Double espresso,” Yelena says.

“Of course,” the girl stammers. “Your mother called. Said she’ll meet you at the café. Said you’ll know which one.”

Yelena nods. Doesn’t look up. The girl vanishes.

///

At 2PM, she meets her mother for lunch.

They always pick the same place. A quiet Russian café tucked into a side street in Culver City. No signage in English. Chairs that creak when you shift your weight. Melina likes it because “the pelmeni still taste like home.”

The waitstaff knows them. Yelena doesn’t need a menu. Orders on autopilot. They share everything.

Melina arrives in sunglasses, hair pulled back, posture queen-straight. She slides a plate across the table. Pickled vegetables, black bread, fresh dill. Always the same.

“I’m not dead yet,” she says when Yelena raises an eyebrow. “You should still eat.”

They do. They gossip. Melina tells a scandalous story about her neighbor’s new pool boy. Yelena rolls her eyes and snorts into her tea.

Then Melina tilts her head. Watches her. Smiles.

“You are different. Less…angry.”

“I’m too old for angry.” Yelena argues with a laugh.

“It suits you.” Yelena shrugs, not quite denying it. “She is good for you.” Melina adds, casual but direct. “Are you going to do it?”

“What?”

“The baby.”

Yelena sips her tea. Lets the steam fog her sunglasses for a moment before she answers.

“We’re talking about it.” A pause. Then, Yelena speaks again. A quiet admission that comes with a small smile. “More than talking…We made the appointment.”

Melina stills. Her fork pauses mid-air. Then she smiles, not just with her mouth, but fully, deeply, and reaches across the table. Squeezes Yelena’s hand. Once. Firm.

“You will be great mother.”

“Nothing’s happened yet.” Yelena deflects. “We’re keeping expectations low. It might be a while.”

Melina nods but doesn’t let go of her hand. Yelena hesitates. Her voice goes even lower, less certain:

“She wants to get married.”

Melina lifts a brow. “And?”

“I just…” Melina waits. “Not again, you know? I don’t have it in me again. But she wants it. And if we’re bringing a kid into this, maybe it shouldn’t matter what I want.”

Melina looks at her. Really looks.

“It matters,” Melina argues. “But so does being honest about what you are capable of giving.”

Yelena nods. Drains the rest of her tea. Doesn’t say more.

///

Yelena gets home just after seven.

Dinner’s already on. The house smells like garlic and lemon and butter and something roasted. Jemma’s in the kitchen. Hair twisted up, dancing barefoot in an oversized t-shirt as she stirs something fragrant.

Music plays low. Wine waits on the counter, half-poured. The scene is stupidly homely. Lovely in a way that used to scare her.

Jamma sings a few lines under her breath. Yelena pads up behind her. Wraps her arms around her waist. Kisses the side of her neck. Says nothing.

They take advantage of the nice weather and eat on the patio. The city hums around them. Legs are tangled under the chairs. No makeup. No rush. No pretense. Just clinking forks, passing glances, chuckles. Just this. Just them.

“Thoughts on Phil if it’s a boy,” Jemma tosses out between bites, clearly joking.

“Only if his middle name is Jerome.”

“Absolutely not.”

///

After dinner, they curl into the plush couch.

Jemma picks a documentary. Some Midwest cold case. It’s her thing. Yelena’s already internally mocking but tolerating for the sake of harmony. Her hand drapes on Jemma’s thigh. They’re warm. Safe. Quiet.

Jemma throws a blanket over them both. Mutters theories under her breath about the murder weapon. Yelena hums in vague agreement and half-listens as she curls against Jemma, tablet in hand, scrolling through reports.

///

Half an hour in, her phone buzzes.

Once. Then again. Then a flood. A dozen times in under a minute. Texts, calls, group chat pings, Instagram tags. Her lock screen is a storm.

Melina: “Are you seeing this?”

Friend: “stay off twitter”

Yelena frowns, confused. Jemma’s phone lights up too. She checks a message. Her expression shifts.

Instinct tells Yelena she should not stay off Twitter. The minute she opens the app…Her name is trending. So is Kate’s. It takes three seconds to find the clip.

Are you still IN LOVE with her? Yes…I’ll always love her.

The quote’s everywhere. Block-lettered across screenshots. Sliced into reaction edits. Millions of views. Millions more to come.

Yelena doesn’t move. Jemma looks over. Concerned. Quiet.

“You okay?”

Yelena stares at the screen. Then sets the phone down, walks into the kitchen, and pours a glass of water she doesn’t touch.

“You want to talk about it?” Jemma follows, voice soft.

“No.”

Yelena leans against the counter. Arms crossed. Jaw set. Silent. She doesn’t go back to the couch. Doesn’t finish the documentary. Jemma leaves her be.

///

Yelena doesn’t sleep. Not a minute.

Jemma dozes off sometime after midnight, warm against Yelena's back. But Yelena just lies there. Staring at the ceiling. Jaw clenched. Mind racing.

The clock hits 2:04 AM.

Then 3:17.

Yelena reaches for her phone. Notifications are still coming in. She clears them, texts Alexei.

Yelena: Were you on set for the interview?

She gets an instant reply.

Alexei: yes

Yelena: Why didn’t you warn me?

Alexei: not my place. and u would have avoided it. u needed to hear

Yelena stares at the screen. Doesn’t type anything else. She sets the phone down, turns it over on the nightstand. Lies back, eyes wide open. Jemma shifts in her sleep, reaching for her in the dark.

Yelena doesn't avoid her sleepy grip. She closes her eyes. Sleep never comes.

///

The morning after the interview, Yelena and Jemma open the front door and see hell.

Kate has the gates, the security booth, the ten-foot walls. Yelena has a quiet house on a regular block. Open driveway. Clear line of sight. She now realizes…too late…that was a catastrophic security oversight.

Because the second the door swung open, the flashes exploded.

A wall of paparazzi stands at the edge of her property. Lenses already lifted. At least twenty deep. The sound of shutters like a swarm of mechanical insects. Low murmurs crest into shouts. A few push forward into the hedges. One jackass calls, “Smile for Kate!” like he thinks he’s clever.

Yelena levels him with a stare that could shatter concrete.

Jemma pauses mid-step, briefcase in hand, frozen in the threshold. Yelena pulls her back inside. She rams the door shut, thinks for a beat, then steps directly in front of her.

“Stay behind me.” Yelena orders, tense.

Jemma nods. Offers a comforting smile. Calm.

“Are you gonna bodyguard me? Hot.”

Yelena can’t bring herself to smile back. She grabs Jemma’s hand, swings the door open, and charges straight into the circus. She pushes through them, fury in every step.

Yelena hears a loud whirr. Glances up…A fucking drone? Seriously?!

The shouting intensifies. Questions are barked in three languages. About the interview. About Kate. About the marriage. About whether she’s seen it. What she thought.

Yelena shouts over them, commanding.

“BACK. THE. FUCK. UP.”

The words crack, loud and lethal. It lands. The front row jolts. Cameras lower. They’re not dealing with some delicate publicist or panicked assistant. They weren’t expecting a guard dog with high cheekbones. It buys Yelena a five-second window.

Yelena clears the path in three steps. She yanks open Jemma’s door and shields her as she slides in. Then she leans into the car.

“Take the canyon route. Don’t stop. I’ll have guys waiting at your office.”

Jemma squeezes Yelena’s hand. Yelena steals a kiss. Fast, intimate, tired. The flashes catch it from five angles.

“Be safe.” Jemma urges, soft.

Yelena shuts the door, turns. Her eyes say 'don’t even think about it'. The photographers part. She watches Jemma’s car vanish down the street. Then, without a glance back, she walks inside and slams the door.

///

Ten minutes later, Yelena is behind the wheel. Driving to Calabasas. To Kate.

By the time she gets there, she’s boiling hot.

If her house was bad, Kate’s is a siege. Kate’s street looks like a premiere. Cars double-parked. Photographers pacing. Reporters waiting with notepads in hand. Lenses glint like sniper scopes. Everyone is hunting for a quote, a sighting, a slip.

They’re not at the door…her team’s trained too well for that…but they’re everywhere else.

Her guys clock her immediately. One steps out of the gate and gives a silent nod. She rolls the window down just enough.

“If anyone breaches, I want them face-down on the pavement.”

He nods. Awkward.

Inside, the tension’s thick enough to choke on. Every single person on the property has at least seen The Clip. Everyone knows what Kate said.

And now Yelena’s here.

She feels the change as she rides up. Eyes flick toward her then back away. No one on shift makes a peep. No one has to.

Not a word is spoken when Yelena charges right up to the door and simply…….walks in. No knocking. No announcing herself. Just straight in.

///

Yelena storms down the hall. Her boots crush the floor, every step echoing like a war drum. She storms past the framed art, the grand piano, the little touches she picked out back when this house still felt theirs.

Kate leans out of the kitchen, dish towel in hand, confusion clouding her features. Then she sees her. Sees the fervor in her eyes. The rage in her stance. Sees the way Yelena is coming directly at her like a missile. Kate doesn’t even get to speak.

“Are you out of your fucking mind?” She snarls. “There’s a sea of paps outside my house.” Kate opens her mouth, but Yelena’s already steamrolling her. “They’re camped outside my driveway. I had to scream just so Jem…so my girlfriend could back out without getting blinded. They’re hounding my office. My mother, Kate. My mother. Have you looked outside? I’m going to have to double your detail.”

Kate leans against the counter. Calm. Irritatingly so. Her smirk is soft, not smug.

“Not exactly what I thought you’d be worried about.”

Wrong answer. The fucking audacity. Yelena’s voice booms, points hard enough to jab the air.

“You think this is funny?”

“No.”

“You don’t get to do this. You don’t get to blow up my life because you’re feeling reflective on camera.”

“I’m not trying to blow up your life.” Kate retorts, maddeningly even.

“You’re a goddamn bomb, Kate.”

“And you used to love that.”

“Fucking Christ.”

“I didn’t plan for it to happen like this.”

“Didn’t plan for it?! You sat on global television and told the entire world you’re still in love with me.”

“Because I am.” Kate’s eyes don’t waver.

The silence that follows is knife-edged. Then Yelena laughs. Bitter. Humorless.

“You really think you can just say that and what…I’ll fall into your arms? That’s not how this works.” Yelena’s eyes flash. Her chest rises and falls too fast.

“I don’t want to unravel your life. I want you to live it. With me.” Kate steps forward. Not threatening. Just certain.

“You can’t say that.” Yelena snaps.

“It’s the truth.”

“I built something. Piece by piece. A good life. Really fucking good, Kate. I earned the peace. I earned the quiet. And you…YOU…don’t get to show up and set it on fire.”

“You did earn that.”

“Don’t fucking patronize me.”

“I’m not. I want that peace for you. I just want to be part of it.”

“Fuck you.”

“I meant what I said.” Kate steps closer.

“You always do. You just never care what it costs. You pull the pin, walk away smiling, then act surprised when the room explodes.”

“I didn’t walk away. I’m right here.”

“That’s your problem. It’s always Kate’s fucking world. Kate’s fucking timing. You get to decide when it matters. And the rest of us just have to fall in line. What did you think was going to happen? Huh? I’d come running? You think I’d what…drop everything because you got brave ten years too late?”

“I just want you to come home. Because I never stopped loving you. And you never stopped loving me.”

Yelena’s eyes narrow. Her breathing sharpens. But she doesn’t move.

“You have no clue how I feel.”

Kate steps forward again.

“You think I haven’t tried to be happy for you?” Closer. “That I haven’t wanted to call every single day?”

Another step. Yelena backs off. Once. Kate keeps moving. They’re only inches apart now. This time, Yelena doesn’t move. She holds her ground. Kate lifts her hands. Reverent. She cradles Yelena’s face like it’s breakable.

“I fucked up,” Kate’s voice is steady. Assured. “I fucked up when I let you walk out of that trailer. When I didn’t fight. When I let you not talk to me. When I signed the papers. I thought it was the right thing. The respectful thing. Letting you go. I was wrong. I’ve always been wrong.”

Kate’s thumb brushes the edge of Yelena’s cheekbone. Then her jaw. The same touch she’s carried in memory for almost a decade. Her voice is quiet.

Yelena’s breath is warm. Close. Kate’s eyes dart to her lips. Yelena shoves her and her hands away.

“I’m not a fucking cheater.”

“I never said you were.”

“You need to fuck off.” Yelena hurries toward the door. Then whirls around double speed. Right up to Kate. “We’re going in for an IVF consult next week. We’re having a baby. You don’t get to come back and play emotional goddamn chicken with my life.”

“Do it with me. Have a baby with me.” Kate’s voice doesn’t waver. Not an inch.

Yelena stares like she’s just been stabbed. She backs off. Puts distance between them.

“Are you fucking insane?”

“I’ve never felt clearer actually.”

“You’re actually deranged.”

“I want everything we talked about. The family. The life. The future. All of it. I meant it then. I still do.”

“You’ve lost your mind.”

“No, I'm just...stupidly in love with you.”

“You’re fired.” Yelena hisses. Her whole body shakes with rage. “Hire new security. We’ll cover you through the end of the month. After that? I’m done. Forever. And don’t even try the whole ‘I won’t hire anyone else’ martyr bullshit. I don’t care what happens to you.”

Yelena doesn’t wait for a response. Kate doesn’t stop Yelena when she walks. She doesn’t chase. Doesn’t beg.

Yelena slams the door behind her so hard it rattles the windows.

///

Yelena drives.

For hours. All day. She doesn’t shed a single tear. Doesn’t scream. Just asphalt. Just motion. Her face is blank. Cold. Her phone never stops. Calls. Texts. Voicemails. Emails. Work. Jemma. Melina. Alexei. All ignored.

There’s no destination. Just an engine and the battle in her head. Only the hum of tires and the echo of Kate’s voice reverberating in her skull.

Mulholland. Malibu. Some overlook above Silver Lake. The sprawl of the city in her mirrors. Sunset fading in streaks of blood and brass. Then darkness. A canyon. A park she doesn’t remember pulling into. Then the coast again. Hands locked at ten and two like it’s the only thing keeping her stitched together.

At a red light somewhere above the PCH, she finally pulls over.

The sky is ink. The city below flickers, careless and endless. Her car idles. She sits motionless, elbows braced on the wheel, breath shallow. Her hands tremble. The ache in her chest is a vice, slow and relentless. Yelena stares out at the glittering horizon. The city looks like nothing. Like it doesn’t mean shit.

She huffs. Hard. And then the thought crashes in.

What the fuck. What the fuck. What the fuck whatthefuckwhatthefuckwhatthefuck

Her grip tightens. White-knuckled. Like she can hold herself together with ire and tension alone.

Her phone vibrates again. She finally picks it up. Swipes without purpose. Just for distraction. She doesn’t mean to open the photos app. Doesn’t even remember tapping it. But suddenly, there it is.

She scrolls. Fast at first. Past the week. Past the month. Smiling selfies. Sunlight on Jemma’s cheekbones. Beach trips. Work events. Proof of a full life. A real one. She scrolls faster.

Past Jemma. Past Monica. Past everyone in between. She scrolls too far. Then slower. Then she stops. There they are.

Not the posed photos. Not red carpets. Not glossy magazine spreads. The real ones.

Kate asleep on a private jet, atop Yelena’s lap in a hoodie and socks, script wrinkled on her chest. Mouth slightly open. Hair a mess.

Kate cross-legged on their old kitchen floor…no, HER kitchen. Kate’s. Laughing at something offscreen, eyes shining, cheeks flushed, in sweatpants and no makeup.

A blurry video. Kate dancing to her worst single. Truly godawful. Fucking atrocious. Yelena hates every bit of it. Still…she sings the lyrics with Kate. Off-key. Terrible. Glorious. Yelena’s laugh behind the camera is breathless. She forgot that laugh existed. The one she only ever made for Kate.

These aren’t memories. They’re proof.

Yelena scrolls more. Finds a photo she doesn’t even remember taking. Kate in bed. Tank top. One knee bent. No makeup. Hair tousled. A smile that’s all teeth and trouble. That look. Straight into the lens. Direct. Dangerous. Looking at her.

The air leaves her lungs like a body blow.

“Fuck.”

It’s not that she still loves Kate. It’s that she never stopped.

Yelena locks the screen. Drops the phone onto the passenger seat. Drives.

///

By the time she walks into the house, it’s nearly midnight.

The lights are low. The smell of rosemary and onion lingers in the air. The table’s still set. Candles unlit. Plates untouched. Dinner cold.

Yelena stands in the doorway like a stranger. Jemma sits on the couch in leggings and an old MIT sweatshirt. A wine bottle stands empty beside her.

Yelena meets her eyes. Opens her mouth. Nothing comes out. Then the tears hit. It happens without warning. Her face collapses. Her knees almost go. Jemma is up in an instant. Wraps her arms around her. No questions. No hesitation.

“It’s okay.”

“I’m sorry,” Yelena sobs. “I’m so sorry.” She repeats it like a mantra. Over and over. Jemma holds her tighter. “I’m sorry, Jem.”

Jemma pulls back. Hands on Yelena’s face. Her eyes glassy. Her touch careful.

“You don’t have to apologize.” Jemma's voice doesn’t tremble. Her hands do. “I always knew what I was fighting against.”

Yelena chokes, shakes her head. Sinks into Jemma. The weight of everything slams into her at once. Jemma catches her like she always has.

“It was real. I meant it.”

“I know…I know.”

“I didn’t want this.”

Jemma’s voice is shaky now. Her arms tighten around Yelena’s body like she can hold her intact.

“I love you,” Jemma whispers.

Yelena nods, broken. Because she does too. That’s what kills her. Jemma presses her lips to Yelena’s forehead. No bitterness. No anger. No blame. Just love.

“If I have to lose you…” Jemma tries to smile. “…it might as well be to the most famous woman on the planet.” Jemma forces levity but her voice cracks, betraying her. “I’m not sorry it’s to her. I know she’s the only one who ever could.”

Yelena folds. Collapses into Jemma. Lets the grief break her open.

///

Yelena glides into Kate’s property sometime after 3AM. She doesn’t remember getting in the car. Doesn’t remember turning on the ignition. She just...did.

The gate opens. She didn’t even ask. Her nightshift guy clocks her face, says nothing, just hits the button.

Yelena parks on the long, winding drive. The engine rumbles. She doesn’t cut it. She doesn’t move. She presses her head to the headrest. Her pulse thuds in her ears.

The lights are on upstairs. A shadow passes in front of the window. The porch glows golden. Like it’s waiting.

She stops the engine. Sits in the dark. Breath loud in the silence. Her bloodstream pounding. The imprint of Jemma’s hand still lingers on her cheek. Her chest still aches from sobbing. Her back still braced like it might snap in two.

But she opens the door anyway. Not because she’s forgiven. Not because she’s decided. Not because she knows what she’s doing. Because she doesn’t know how to stop herself from moving. Because she doesn’t know how to not.

This time she doesn’t barge in.

Yelena walks the path. Up the steps. Hands cold. No anger now. Just…something hollow.

She rings the bell.

Hears rushed footsteps on stairs. Her heart jumps, tries to climb out of her throat. She sees the movement through the glass. Knew it was coming. Still not ready.

The door opens.

And there Kate is.

They look at each other. No words yet. But everything’s already different.

[wintersoldiersoul]

Hi.

Saw you are taking requests.

I got shingles the weekend close to my birthday, i confuse it with allergy because i am allergic to basically anything and then on my 24th birthday i got that it was actually shingles, doctor told me that my immune system went down and that is why i got it. Before that i was under so much stress because of work that i developed burn out and had to quit my job (literally spent months, weeks of my life visiting the emergency ward because i kept getting sick due to stress and burn out) probably that Triggered the shingles.

Could you write something with Bucky in which the reader suffers similar sh**? I just need comfort from my fave character 😭

If you dont feel comfortable is fine, i understand 😁

KUDOS!

I'm so sorry you went through that! I hope you are much better now. I tried to make this as medically accurate as possible (I texted my friend in med school LOL) but I am definitely not a doctor so if some stuff isn't accurate, just pretend it is.

You threw your hair up into a ponytail to get it out of your face. Hours slumped over at your desk weren't doing any favors. You grabbed the energy drink and chugged it to prevent your eyes from closing. You were almost done with this assignment. Just a little bit longer, you told yourself. 

Working full time and being a grad student was taking a toll on you. You spent every day from 9-5 in your office and every night from 6-10 in classes. You crammed homework in anywhere you could, which often meant staying up most of the night. It was approaching 4am, now. 

The office door creaked open and Bucky strolled in, sleep still filling his eyes. “Baby,” he sighed. “Come to bed.” He had woken up and the bed was cold without you beside him. He walked over to you, kissing your forehead.

“Can’t,” you mumbled without looking up from your computer.

“You gotta get some sleep, darlin’.”

You sneezed, still typing away. “I’m fi-” your words were interrupted by another sneeze.

Bucky stood, looking at you with a stern expression. “Well look at that. You’re getting sick.” 

You waved your hand. “No, I’m not. It’s just allergies,” you said, sniffling. “You know this time of year is bad.” The past few months, you had been sick on and off multiple times. A cold, a small fever, you were sick more than you weren’t. 

“Honey, please just get some sleep. You haven’t slept in days.” He was practically begging. He knew how much stress you were under and getting no sleep wasn’t going to help. He was extremely worried about you.

“Just give me 10 more minutes, okay?” You compromised.

“Fine. But I’m sitting right here and setting a timer. The second it goes off, I’m carrying you to bed.”

He did exactly that, throwing you over his shoulder when you didn’t get up immediately at the ring of his phone. Despite the intense amounts of caffeine you had consumed, you fell asleep the second your head hit the pillow.

Bucky woke up before you the next morning, smiling at your sleeping form. Your hair was sprawled over your face and he gently pushed it away to kiss your cheek. But as soon as he moved the strands, he noticed that your cheeks were flushed. He put the back of his flesh hand on your skin. Heat radiated off of your face before he even touched you. You were definitely sick.

He got up, being careful not to wake you. He left the bedroom returning a few minutes later with water, Advil, and a thermometer. You groaned as your alarm rang, sending shooting pains into your skull. You groaned, opening your eyes. You felt like absolute shit. Your whole body ached, your throat was on fire, and even your skin hurt.

“You’re sick.” Bucky stated, as if he was informing you.

“Yeah, I can tell,” you retorted, wincing at the pain in every cell of your body. He smiled softly, brushing your hair behind your ears. 

“I got you some water and Advil. Can I take your temperature, doll?”

You nodded and he put the thermometer under your tongue. He looked it, eyes widening. “Shit baby, that’s not good. Your temp is 102.8. How do you feel?”

“Horrible,” you pouted.

He sighed. “I’m not surprised. That’s a really high fever, baby. I think we should go to the doctor.”

You groaned, not wanting to move. You felt so horrible that the thought of having to get up and out of bed was a nightmare. You felt like you couldn’t stay awake, eyes closing no matter how hard you tried to keep them open. “Can’t move,” you whispered, coughing slightly. “My whole body hurts so much. Just wanna sleep.”

Bucky didn’t know what to do. In his mind, sickness meant calling a doctor. He had spent so many years worrying about Steve back in the 40s, sitting with him while he got looked at. He still wasn’t used to how things were today. The google search he did on his phone told him that if your fever went above 103, to take you to the hospital. In his opinion, you were close enough that he wanted to rush you there right now, but he could see how exhausted you were.

“Alright, rest for now. But if it gets worse we’re going to the hospital.” You didn’t even hear him as you had already fallen back to sleep.

You woke up in a daze, cold sweat clinging to your body. You were shivering aggressively, shaking the entire bed. “Babe?” Bucky said, noticing you were awake. “You cold?”

You nodded, teeth chattering. He quickly grabbed you another blanket, wrapping you up like a burrito. He wrapped his arms around you, hoping that his body heat would help, too. One of the major perks of dating a super soldier was that the chances of getting him sick were very slim. He held you as close as possible, trying to keep you warm. “Oh, honey,” he whispered, voice dripping with sympathy.

 “Can you take your temperature again for me?” He asked after your shivering had subsided a little bit. You put the thermometer back in your mouth, waiting for the beep. Bucky took it from you, heart stopping as he looked. “I know you don’t wanna move, but we gotta go to the ER. You’re at 103.6. That’s really really bad.”

You groaned. You felt so horrible, his words barely even registered in your mind. He picked you up and carried you to the car, whispering words of encouragement along the way. You closed your eyes again, finding it physically impossible to stay awake. Bucky held your hand the entire car ride before picking you up and carrying you into the ER. He let you sleep as you waited, positioning your head on his shoulder. He constantly watched you to make sure you were still breathing. He didn’t wanna wake you until he absolutely had to.

When you were finally called in, he shook you gently. “Can you walk?” He asked. You weakly nodded and he helped you to your feet letting you lean on his body as you went to the exam room.

The doctor hooked you up to an IV immediately to hydrate your sick body as they examined you.

“How have you been sleeping?” She asked you.

“Um, not great,” you answered, voice sounding raspy. “I’ve been under a lot of stress.”

“She hasn’t slept in a week,” Bucky interjected. “She’s been getting sick a lot these past few months since she started grad school.”

The doctor nodded. “Okay that’s very good to know.” She proceeded to ask you a few more questions and then said, “Did you have chicken-pox as a kid?”

You nodded. “Yeah. When I was 5.”

She carefully rolled up your shirt, revealing a rash on your side. “It looks like you have shingles. The stress you’ve been under seems to have weakened your immune system which is why you’ve been getting sick so much. It makes sense that with all of that the virus would come back now.”

Bucky held your hand. He was relieved that you had a diagnosis but of course he was terrified. Back in his time, that would have been a death sentence. “Is she gonna be okay?”

“I’ll be fine, Buck,” you answered. 

“Yes,” the doctor agreed. “We’re gonna keep her here for at least tonight because your fever is so high. But you will be okay.”

Bucky exhaled. “Oh, thank god.”

“Can I go to sleep now?” You asked the doctor. You were so exhausted.

“Yes. I’ll let you rest,” she smiled before leaving the room.

“I’m so sorry you feel so shitty,” Bucky said, holding your hand. “Will this make you take it easy?”

“I don’t know what I can do to change anything,” you said with tear filled eyes. “Literally the only time I have to get things done is in the middle of the night.”

He looked into your eyes. He wanted to help you so badly that his heart ached. He wanted you to be happy and healthy. “What if you quit your job?” He suggested. “You only took this as a temporary thing anyway. I know you don’t wanna stay there when you’re done with school.”

“I can’t not have a job, Bucky,” you argued.

“Baby,” he looked in your eyes. “Do you have any clue how much the Avengers pay me?” He smirked. “Trust me, you don’t need a job.” You opened your mouth to argue, ready to tell him that you didn’t need his money. “I know you’re your own person and you can make your own money. And one day, with that brain, you will make so much all on your own. But baby, you’re drowning. You’ve been sick more days than not the past few months. Please, let me take care of you. Just for a bit. I’d never tell you what to do and if you really wanna stay, you can. But you’re killing yourself, darling. And I can’t just sit back and watch as it happens. Just think about it. Please.”

You lazily smiled. “Okay. I’ll think about it. But not right now. Right now, I need to sleep.”

He stroked your hair and kissed your forehead. “Go to sleep, my love. I’ll be right here when you wake up.” 

[voidandabyssal]

Ello! I am back!

I loved what you did with my last request, and I wish to add another one!

In this can I ask for undertale papyrus, underfell papyrus, underswap sans, and horrortale papyrus?

In this scenario, they are married to reader (Separate unlees together if it makes it easier to write), and it's their 5 year anniversary. Reader wanting to do something sweet for them wakes up at like 3am. since the boys already wake up early. They try to make breakfast, but the boys wake up to the fire alarm going off, and they find reader in the kitchen. There's like broken eggs on the floor, flower everywhere, 3 pans in the skink, and reader was trying to put out the mini fire on the stove. Reader can't cook for shit. Even if their life depends on it.

How will the boys react, and what will they do?

I say this overtime and it dosent change. Take you're time and stay safe!

Papyrus:

Papyrus is jumping off the bed and practically flying by into the kitchen the second the fire alarm goes off

He has been with you for five long years, and every year your cooking somehow only manages to grow more and more chaotic

Luckily Papyrus has an infinite amount of energy and doesn’t mind helping you clean up at 3 in the morning

Though he does try and remind you to please avoid using the kitchen in the dark, or spraying cooking oil over a lit flame

He sends you to bed and when you wake up you find Papyrus has actually cleaned up and made you breakfast

Edge (uf paps):

He wakes up when you get up at 3

He’s suspicious at first, what on earth could you want to be doing this early

And although Edge greatly treasures his sleep schedule he gets up after you to make sure your okay

Edge nearly gets blasted with a flame as the stove bursts into bright blue flame

How?? Did you even manage that?? It’s a magical stove designed specifically for low flame??

Edge is very annoyed, like, he’s just about to throttle you annoyed

He makes you clean up the mess all by yourself (somehow you managed to nearly destroy the kitchen in the five minutes Edge had left you alone for)

Be prepared for a very long lecture. Edge has warned you time and time again about the dangers of mtt ovens

He does relent though when you admit it was supposed to be an anniversary gift. Edge softens up just a little and lets you go back to bed before he’s done lecturing you

Blue (us sans):

Blue wanders up to you in the middle of the night as your trying to start cooking his breakfast and he drags you away as you drop the first egg

It’s 3 in the morning, Blue just got off a very long shift and all he wants is some peaceful sleeping with you

Luckily he pulled you away before the stove could be set alight like last time

Probably one of the few times Blue won’t be bouncing around with energy

Crisis averted. Now you and him can enjoy a much more rested start to your anniversary

Once the two of you are rested and it’s not some forbidden hour you and Blue will get to make breakfast together

(You still end up setting the fire alarm off. Love may win but your horrible cooking skills always manage to come on top)

Crooks (ht paps):

Again, like Edge, Crooks is a very sensitive sleeper and he stirs pretty quickly when he realises he can’t find you in bed

Crooks trusts you enough not to be doing anything stupid

Rip Crooks, how wrong you were

The second those eggs hit the ground he’s awake

Its like a third sense or something

He lets out a tired groan as he just anxiously focuses on how you’ve managed to waste more food this time and so early in the morning!

You are completely oblivious to Crooks as he appeared behind you and when you do turn around you scream and drop the pan

More eggs drop all over the floor. Crooks’s face has gone blank so you nervously stand there and wait for him to give a reaction

Crooks is so, so tired, his back hurts and now his precious eggs have gone to waste. You and him clean up the mess and he wordlessly drags you back to bed

He’s not mad, Crooks just hates wasting food and prefers spending his nights sleeping.

When you both wake up at a more reasonable hour he gives you a pretty big lecture.

Then you both make breakfast together (or really, Crooks makes it and you just hand him the ingredients)

[mybeautifulchristianjourney]

For the director of music. A psalm of David.

1 In you, Lord, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame; deliver me in your righteousness. 2 Turn your ear to me, come quickly to my rescue; be my rock of refuge, a strong fortress to save me. 3 Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me. 4 Keep me free from the trap that is set for me, for you are my refuge. 5 Into your hands I commit my spirit; deliver me, Lord, my faithful God.

6 I hate those who cling to worthless idols; as for me, I trust in the Lord. 7 I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul. 8 You have not given me into the hands of the enemy but have set my feet in a spacious place.

9 Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and body with grief. 10 My life is consumed by anguish and my years by groaning; my strength fails because of my affliction, and my bones grow weak. 11 Because of all my enemies, I am the utter contempt of my neighbors and an object of dread to my closest friends— those who see me on the street flee from me. 12 I am forgotten as though I were dead; I have become like broken pottery. 13 For I hear many whispering, “Terror on every side!” They conspire against me and plot to take my life.

14 But I trust in you, Lord; I say, “You are my God.” 15 My times are in your hands; deliver me from the hands of my enemies, from those who pursue me. 16 Let your face shine on your servant; save me in your unfailing love. 17 Let me not be put to shame, Lord, for I have cried out to you; but let the wicked be put to shame and be silent in the realm of the dead. 18 Let their lying lips be silenced, for with pride and contempt they speak arrogantly against the righteous.

19 How abundant are the good things that you have stored up for those who fear you, that you bestow in the sight of all, on those who take refuge in you. 20 In the shelter of your presence you hide them from all human intrigues; you keep them safe in your dwelling from accusing tongues.

21 Praise be to the Lord, for he showed me the wonders of his love when I was in a city under siege. 22 In my alarm I said, “I am cut off from your sight!” Yet you heard my cry for mercy when I called to you for help.

23 Love the Lord, all his faithful people! The Lord preserves those who are true to him, but the proud he pays back in full. 24 Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord. — Psalm 31 | New International Version (NIV) Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV® Copyright ©1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® All rights reserved worldwide. Cross References: Genesis 40:23; Numbers 6:25; Deuteronomy 32:30; 1 Samuel 2:9; 1 Samuel 23:7; 2 Samuel 4:9; 2 Samuel 22:2; 2 Samuel 22:33; 2 Kings 19:16; Job 5:21; Job 14:5; Job 19:13; Job 36:21; Psalm 5:8; Psalm 6:2; Psalm 6:7; Psalm 18:6; Psalm 86:2; Matthew 27:1; Luke 23:46; Romans 2:4; 1 Corinthians 16:13; Jude 1:15; Revelation 2:10

[princessproductivity]

These two mistakes are stealing your time... (They were stealing mine too!)

It can feel so disappointing to have a plan for your long-term goals written out and still feel like you are unable to achieve everything. I promise I've been there. There were two key mistakes I was making that were leaving me feeling overworked, and underproductive.

Mistake #1: Sleeping in.

I love being awake early... but I hate the act of actually waking up early. The relief that comes with knowing I'm up hours ahead of time, with plenty of wiggle room in my morning to get a head start on the day is amazing. All of a sudden, I realize my morning rush out the door doesn't need to be so stressful.

Sadly, that relief never makes the 5:00 AM alarm any easier.

The problem is that late nights lead to late mornings, and all too often I found myself rushing out the door unprepared for the day as the result of the previous night's pleasures and an extra hour of sleep. Don't get me wrong, it can feel great to sleep in on the weekend, but as my day has become less structured around a set "day job" schedule and more self-directed, I realized just how harmful the habit of sleeping in can be for an entrepreneurial lifestyle.

Many studies have led to the conclusion that our best ideas occur early in the morning and that we miss out on our most critical growth opportunities when we sleep in. I'm not saying that the early mornings are fun... I am saying that they are worth it.

Mistake #2: The cost of sacrificing high amounts of time into low-reward ventures.

As an entrepreneur, I understand the importance of casting one's net far and seeking new opportunities to learn and grow. However, sometimes your time is more valuable than what that opportunity itself may have to offer.

I recently accepted a minimum wage position (my first in years) on Saturdays, helping the owners of a small-town thrift shop set up their online sales channels. I didn't need the money, but I figured it was a great opportunity to explore online sales further as I had some experience with it already, and I loved the idea of helping another small business get off on the right track.

Unfortunately, I quickly learned that the two women who co-owned the business were not on the same terms about what they wanted long-term from the venture. Both had their own successful businesses on the side, and this little thrift shop was more of a hobby venture than one they truly wanted to see succeed.

Ultimately, it came to be that neither of them truly knew if they wanted an online sales channel at all! The six hours I spent there every Saturday was valuable time that I couldn't get back. While the idea of helping another business kick off was appealing upon a first impression, I realized that my time wasn't worth minimum wage in a place that clung to stagnation instead of capitalizing on new growth opportunities.

There will always be more opportunities than we can take — make sure the ones you do take are worth the time you will never get back.

What is the 12 week year? 7 ways to organize your life... 7 ways to reduce your screen time...

[siddshirole]

Day 220

Gulab , pune 26 th june 2023, 8:10 am

So many experiences to share … don’t know where to begin .. with such on and off penning down schedule will I able to express myself appropriately? Anyways coming back to the point , it’s important to keep expressing consistently .. and how does one do things consistently? Well something beautiful I’ve discovered is that to be consistent in anything you have to understand why you want to be doing a particular activity from its base . The why is very important trust me . For example I wanted to get up early .. I tried so many years to get up at 5 am but always failed . Lately about a month and a half back I argued with myself as in why I wanna get up at 5 am . After thinking for quite a while did I realise that if I don’t , I won’t be able to do my exercise routine , my journaling, my reading , my rendezvous with nature and music in peace. Why I need to do these things in peace is because they take my life forward , they make me experience growth , they make me feel harmonious… now if I want to experience all these feelings every single day before the world catches me and takes me into my zone of duties must I wake up early every single day . Done ✔️… thought cleared from the base and within time I began waking up at 5 am without setting up an alarm .. I’ve just imbibed the why completely and hence now I’m consistently waking up at 5 am .. it’s a battle against time is life and one must think and act towards doing things consistently that takes their lives ahead … to being consistent…

Love

S.S

[mrsq8geek]

I have never seen someone whose natural sleep cycle also starts at 6. It's always like "this person with a sleep disorder gets tired at 3 or 4 am". I had a year between graduating and getting my first job and in that year I consistently slept at 5-6am and woke up around 1-2. No alarm, no nothing.

But of course society, life, stress, etc, so in reality: avoid caffeine too late in the day, take a melatonin around the same time every day, put on my sleep headset, put on the white noise, put on the eye mask. If i want to be up at 5:30, I have various alarms going off starting 4:30, because after experimenting, it consistently takes me 45mins to an hour to wake up starting from the first alarm. This is including days where I really can't miss that important thing, so I set additional alarms on my laptop so I have to physically leave the bed... and then I go back to sleep.

The things that do help is I have smart lights and I use them as alarms, and while phone calls alone don't wake me properly because I can answer and go back to sleep, having a conversation does wake me. If it's a nap cause I'm tired but I got stuff to do, I drink water first so the need to pee gets me out of bed.

When the sun goes down I'm kind of grumpy because I'm tired from the day, although I adore sunsets, but about 1-2 hours later my mood significantly improves, my brain comes online, aaaand I have maybe an hour where that's useful before I have to take the melatonin so I can force-sleep.

I would have been great at guarding the village gate but oh well, industrialisation amirite

I think the eight alarms thing is usually a maladaptation. You've trained your brain to ignore the eight alarms because you kept avoiding the training of willpower following the first alarm would require. I think some sleep therapy might help?

Hey so first of all fuck you, thanks.

Second: I love it when you read literature on sleep disorders, especially if it's on sleep disorders among folks with ADHD, and you see time and time again "when allowed to sleep on their preferred schedule subjects maintained healthy, normal, restorative sleep cycles" and "effects were not lasting without ongoing intervention; resetting the sleep schedule is a permanent effort."

Like, if I sleep *great* from 6am to 2pm and I wake up feeling rested and alert with no special help but I need to turn off the lights in my house and shut down all electronics at 8pm and beam a spotlight into my face starting at 5am to wake up at seven and feel exhausted all day, I think perhaps it is not actually my sleep cycle that is wrong it is perhaps society that is wrong.

BELIEVE ME, when I find the job that pays well and has decent insurance that lets me exist as a cheerful nighttime ghoul I am jumping on that with both feet. But until then I literally feel better getting six hours of sleep and occasionally sleeping so hard that i can't hear my alarms because of chronic sleep deprivation than I do turning off all the lights in my house and ceasing all activity two and a half hours after I get off of work.

Also: the eight alarms aren't all there to wake me up, it's just that sometimes I *also* sleep through the ones that are supposed to remind me to go sit at my desk and start work. One of the first three usually gets me up, but on a day when I sleep through all three of those I will be sleeping through all eight of them and usually a phone call and someone trying to shake me awake to.

ANYWAY after being treated with melatonin and light therapy and staring listlessly at the ceiling in the dark bored out of my skull with racing thoughts for sleep disorders that I didn't have for like twenty years the single most effective intervention that allowed me to get more sleep as someone with both ADHD and DSPD was to start hanging out and being active in places where it would be easy to fall asleep if the sleep caught me there instead of turning my bedroom into a dark, silent shrine of snoozing. Giving myself permission to fall asleep late instead of laying awake chewing myself up with guilt for not being asleep helped too.

Actually here's some tips for the sleepy bitches in the crowd:

1 - If you're laying down and not falling asleep in half an hour, you're not actually sleepy; read something or get up and do something because you're more likely to get sleepy faster that way than you are staring at the clock going "if I fall asleep now I'll have three hours and forty five minutes of rest when I have to go to work; If I fall asleep now I'll have three hours and twenty minutes of sleep when I have to get up, etc. etc."

2 - Allow yourself to be ambushed by sleep. Fall asleep on your cozy couch. Fall asleep in the comfy chair. Let yourself sleep where you fall asleep instead of dragging yourself to where you're 'supposed' to sleep if doing so will wake you up.

3 - The mythbusters thing. If you just lay down and close your eyes and pretend to rest you will feel more rested when you get up than when you laid down. Laying down to rest is better than nothing, it literally causes cognitive improvements similar to sleep in tests, and knowing that can help take off some of the pressure of not being able to fall asleep and can thus help you fall asleep.

4 - It's okay to "hang out" in the area where you're going to sleep. Read in bed. Play games on your cellphone in bed. If you want to go to sleep put on comfy clothes and bring a chill activity and hang out in your bed to do it so that all you have to do when you start getting sleepy is close your eyes.

5 - It's better to get some sleep than no sleep. Sometimes you look at the clock and it's six AM and whoops, fuck it. Okay, time for bed, don't stress that you're only going to get a few hours, a few hours is better than nothing. Lay down to pretend to rest at least and you'll probably feel okay.

6 - This one sounds silly and might not work for a bunch of people for a bunch of reasons but apparently there's some research suggesting that "well-rested" is a state of mind? I've had a reasonable amount of success with just telling myself "Yeah, I actually feel pretty good," and pushing through the day on a couple of hours of sleep. I don't *recommend* that and you should try to get as much sleep as possible, but yeah the next time you're low on sleep see what happens if you just try to decide to not be tired. It sounded like bullshit to me when I first heard it but I've found some success with it.

7 - This shit is cumulative. If you're doing a couple nights a week on low sleep that's not ideal but you're probably going to be pretty functional and you can work on it. If you overbook and overextend yourself for too long - I'm looking at you college students and new parents - it's going to add up. Try as much as possible to at least keep your sleep deficit nights spread out. (This message brought to you by writing 60k words of fiction in october and completely frying my brain because i wasn't getting enough sleep).

[shindayyume]

Mixed feelings ⋆⁺₊❅.

Beaumont pov to @simmetrycal’s Snowboarding world!

18+ themes minors dni

『••✎••』

“Beaumont! Beaumont! —“

I can feel a cold chill of air blow between my fur, perfectly synchronizing with the hot breaths escaping my mouth and turning into mist.

My heart rate is ringing against my ears, overwhelming my head so much that I cannot even process where I am, or how I got here.

With my vision blurry, all I can make out is blue sky.

I am quick to realize one thing.

I’m in pain.

However, I am graced by the snow underneath me. The cold ice numbing below my leg where a strange tingle of annoyance pestered me.

I didn’t have the strength in me to sit up and inspect the damage. All I could do was lay still, listening to my own breaths heave out from my chest.

Through the whistling of wind, I can hear my name being called from a distance.

“Beaumont?!”

It’s getting louder.

“Beaumont!”

Obstructing my already blurry vision, comes in the worried face of a large cat.

I remember the look of terror in his eyes as clear as day.

“Sebastian!”

My breath hitches and my eyes dart open as I am suddenly awoken from my sleep. I quickly realize that I’m not laid in snow, but in warm bed sheets and blankets. Under the dimly lit roof of my home.

Ah. I tell myself

It was just a dream.

And still, I can feel that strange tingle in my leg. Only this time I am able to sit myself upright, and pull over the sheet covering me. In this moment of silence, I stared at the amputation that ruined my life.

And then, my bedside alarm sets off.

Another annoying beep to start my day.

I reach over to silence it, then menuvour my body closer to the edge of the bed. Where I had previously laid out my prosthetic leg.

I hesitate every time. Every single time.

15 years later, and I still hesitate to buckle the straps to my prosthetic.

With a sigh, I do so anyway, getting it on as comfortably as I possibly could so I can begin my day.

And finally, I can stand and stretch out my back. A yawn follows, which bares the large set of canines that inhabit my mouth. I can feel as they brush against my tongue, causing a discomfort in my head.

I’ve always disliked them. Having a felines mouth while the rest of me could easily pass as any ordinary buck.

But unfortunately,

I am cursed with mixed genes.

Now I can begin my usual morning routine. It starts with a steaming hot shower, followed by an extensive fur and teeth brushing. Unfortunately, as much as I hate the scattered spots among my pelt, and daggers in my mouth, I put quite the effort into making myself appear well presentable.

I don’t worry about clothing just yet, only putting on a comfortable pair of boxers in the meantime while I prepare for the worst part of my daily life.

Food.

Being born of herbivore and carnivore genetics does not magically make me an omnivore as one might assume.

It makes me picky.

Meat, fish, fruits, vegetables, plants and breads. It’s all a large buffet of slop. I suppose some things are easier to eat than others, allowing me just some basic joy. But all my life, I had always struggled finding favorite foods and making decisions on my meals. For the most part, I tend to stick with meat. It may not bring flavor, but it surely does bring a strange comfort to my fangs.

As I am preparing my eggs, toast, and sausage, my ear points behind me in the direction of a buzz.

I ignore it.

Then it buzzes again.

I can’t ignore it. With a sigh, I automatically assume it’s work related, so I take the quick trip to turn around and read off the text from my phone that had been laying on the counter.

An odd anxiety fuels me as I read the name tag,

“Cherry”

[Hey! I’ll be at the cafe in 5!]

[Do you have a table already??]

“Shit.”

Shitshitshit. I had a date.

The popping from the stove quickly took my attention away from the screen, and I quickly run over before my eggs could become a scrambled mess.

Immediately I am frustrated with myself, that I had been so distracted by work that I had forgotten I had set up a breakfast date with a doe.

Cherry is a Red tailed Doe. She’s quite beautiful, only a few years younger than me and a nurse at a local nursery. We had actually met only a week prior at the hotel's ski resort.

Her extended family were having issues checking into the hotel, and I had taken it upon myself to correct their reservation and provide them with a few courtesy calls for the inconvenience.

Cherry however, took this as a weird sign of me flirting with her.

Although I was only doing my job, she seemed to gravitate towards my hospitality and became really… present around the hotel she wasn’t even staying in.

I don’t mind however. After all, I am getting far too old to continue mingling with strangers. I decided 10 years ago that it would be time to settle down.

10. Years ago.

And I still haven't found a single soul to love. And no, I am not incapable of it. It's only that.. Everyone I come across has irked me the wrong way.

First, I tried other carnivores. In hope that I would present less intimidating to my partner, my thought process was that other carnivores would see me as equal due to my hybrid genetics.

I was wrong.

I had met a lioness years back when I first began dating. Her name was Sahara, and she was the queen of her very own pride.

Of one.

Her ego was just as huge as her stacure. Although she was still smaller than me, she made it a habit to make sure she felt bigger than the entire world. It drove me insane, hearing how strong, independent, and brave she was all the time. Her, her, her, her, her.

Then there was a Panther, by the name of Jessie.. He was a beautiful tint of black metallic.

But he had these enormous white fangs that I could not get passed. Each time Jessie would speak, my eyes were glued to them out of fear. It was the first time I had been intimidated by another carnivore's fangs, as if Jessie was waiting for the perfect opportunity to leap forward and attack me like wounded prey.

Okay… so scratching carnivores off the list, I attempted a more tame approach with herbivores.

I, mistakenly, tried to date a rabbit.

A highly energetic rabbit.

After my retirement, and at my old age, there was no way I could realistically keep up with the hare. Her name was Marie, and it was impossible to keep her still. Not only that, but Marie had a desire to explore the world, every. single. inch of it. Constantly going out on dates everyday was not up to my standard, so I backed out.

The worst of them all, was a Stallion, his name was Hans. Who at first, seemed promising enough. It had actually been going really well. Hans was a chef for a fairly well respected and rated restaurant. He seemed well competent, mannered, and quiet enough for me to settle down with.

After four months of casual dates and talking, Hans had invited me to dinner within his cando in town, so I agreed.

Only to be faced with the worst mess I have ever seen in my life. Clothing scattered about, papers and recipes overflowing trash cans, undusted shelves, and gods, don't even get me started on his kitchen.

Hans lived so disorganized and cluttered, that I immediately left minutes after I had entered.

And now, I am here, speed walking my way into the entree doors of the cafe Cherry had addressed me to. It was a small place, not very packed but still lively and welcoming. As much as I would love to enjoy it, the pain from my prosthetic was already beginning to ruin this date for me.

I had rushed to get dressed and leave the house, forgetting my cane at home. Although I can walk without it, it does relieve a great amount of pressure from my leg.

As I open the doors, a small bell rings from above, and I scan the cafe for a familiar face.

I spot her in a far corner, seated by herself at a booth as he gazes out the window's view.

The mix of guilt caused my ears to flatten, and I quickly straightened myself up before approaching her.

“Hello– i apologize for running late,”

Cherry immediately looks up from the sound of my voice, her face lighting up within seconds as she greets me with a smile.

“Oh it's okay!!! I started to think you weren't going to show!”

“Ha,” slowly, I seat myself across from her. “I got caught up with work.” I lie, hoping that she doesn't believe I actually had just forgotten. “How have you been?”

I should have not asked that.

“Oh ive been great! Well, now I am! The past few days have been hectic. The other day, while me and my mother were coming back from the salon, our car got stuck in snow! I guess I was going too fast downhill??? My mother was screaming at me to slow down but I just laughed and told her it would be fine. She said, ‘Cherry, get your hoof off the gas, you're going to get us killed!’ and i told her, oh please! You're just being dramatic!! And what do ya know- seconds after, we are sliding down ice! Oh it was so scary, terrifying even! Boy were we screeeeammming as I lost control of the wheel!! And my mom was yelling, ‘Che—”

My eyebrows slowly raise as Cherry continues on with her story. Her words almost become a jumbled mess of vomit. Through her story telling, I hear footsteps approaching the table. It is the waitress, kindly interrupting. Thank. God.

“Hey! Can I get you two started with anything today? Coffee?”

I do not turn away from Cherry as I am left like a deer in headlights. Stunned, and silent as I process the long speech I just received.

Cherry smiles, opening her mouth to speak out an order, though i intercept,

“No thank you. I was just leaving.”

“What??? You're leaving??” Cherry calls out, looking confused as I begin to stand from my seat. The waitress was just as lost.

“I have to- go.” I confirm.

Cherry seems panicked, and now the waitress is cornered in an awkward situation. It was almost funny. “Wh- oh okay- Is it work? How about we reschedule for another day? Or lunch- dinner– oh! Maybe I can even walk with you to work??”

“I think not. Gooday, Cherry.” Quickly, I walk through the pain in my leg and exit the cafe.

Already, I am developing a headache, and my morning has only just started. And now, I am faced with work. The ski shop, I am not worried about, but the hotel is where I receive the most issues. There are constant complaints and mishaps only I can properly deal with, so every morning as I step foot within the resort, I am immediately bombarded by the front desk.

I pray I go unnoticed this time, trying to sneak past and blend in with our guest as I attempt to head straight to my office. However, a small lamb picked me out from the crowd.

“Oh! Mr. beaumont! Mr. beaumont a moment-”

Crap. I can see her in the corner of my eye making her way around the desk, approaching me. Even still, I am b-lining it to my office door. “Good Morning Susan.”

“Mr. Beaumont- oh, goodmorning, um Mr.Beaumont there is a guest requesting to-”

“Is this urgent, susan? I have a payroll to compete and incentives.” I keep my head forward, lightly bowing as we pass guests down the halls. Susan tailing right behind me, fueled by anxiety.

“I-i know sir, and i apologize but i think you really need to take this into consideration, sir- this guest is-”

“Just refund them for the night. I'll be in my office.” After speeding to my office door, I grabbed a hold of the handle.

“Sir, that's the issue-”

The door swings open, and I am only able to take one step before I am frozen in place.

A small gasp escapes my mouth as I lock eyes on a tall, snowy white saber toothed cat standing dead center of my office. His stripes blending perfectly with the lighting in the room.

“T-the guest.. Is um.. In your office, sir..”

The cat's head turned, he had been admiring one of the trophies shelved along the wall. A smile curled around the large fangs held in his mouth, stopping my heart.

“Sebastian!”

And once again, I am a deer frozen in headlights. “Susan…. A moment, please.”

“Yes sir,” she mutters, before quietly leaving.

I am unable to move. Stuck in place with my hand still on the door handle, and the pain in my leg suddenly reduced to nothing. I cannot even tell if I'm breathing.

He points to the trophy he was previously looking at. “I remember this one. That night, your mother made us sushi rolls to celebrate and you nearly puked out an organ!” he laughed, staying within his place in the room, as if not to frighten me more.

Finally, I managed to speak a few words.

“Sylus… What a.. Surprise.”

He smiles, tilting his head like a confused puppy. “I hope I didn't come at a bad time. I know it's.. Been awhile,” he stretched his arm behind his head, almost nervous. “How've you been? You seem to be holding yourself up well. I mean, come on, you own this fancy place??”

I had opened my mouth to respond, but he beat me to it.

“I’ve heard all kinds of things about this resort! Owned by the infamous Beaumont, who once ruled over snowy hills and mountains.” Sylus followed his words with a small laugh, keeping his attention on the many golden medals I had hung on display.

“I used to know the guy, actually. For a hybrid, he was always more buck than feline. Stubborn and always went head first into a challenge. But when he was racing, he could hunt you down that hill better than any predator could.”

Gods, he never stops talking. It’s not like I had anything to say, however. I was still stuck in time, slowly gaining the courage to shut the door behind me.

Something told me to lock it as well.

Sylus finally turned back around, his chipped ear making a light flick in my direction. I recognized the behavior instantly. It was an old tick he used to do whenever he was nervous. And yet, he smiled at me with such confidence I had never seen before.

“What ever happened to the guy?”

I paused for a brief second, “It never leaves you. I’ve simply put my passion into other things, like..-“ My heart was caught in my throat again as I watched the large cat begin to walk forward. In my direction. “-the resort…-“ I don’t know if it was instinct or fear, but my body's reaction was to back up.

Into nothing but the shut door behind me.

“-and.. the ski- shop—“

With my back pressed against the door, he is now only inches away from my own face. Staring at me with the most starved expression I had witnessed from a carnivore.

Like I was injured prey. And he was leaping.

Sylus was much larger, bulkier, and definitely had the fangs to prove his strength. And yet, he greeted me with a gentle hug.

My eyes widened, stunned and confused as he pulled me into a hold. I had not seen this man in 10 years. And here he was, clinging onto me like a desperate child.

Hesitantly, I raised my hands to return the hug, lightly patting his back. At the same time, I noticed his ears flattening back as we confided in each other in a brief moment of silence.

That hug felt like it had lasted eternity. Until he swiftly pulled back, both of his paws held tightly against my shoulders as he grinned. “Wanna grab some hot chocolate??”

…

What a childish suggestion I think. As I hold a warm mug in the palms of my hands, raising the cup to my mouth for a brief drink while I listen to Sylus’s words. For the past fifteen or so minutes, he had been going on non stop about his life. After our initial split- my accident, and I had lost my leg, I had also lost my best friend.

I've always regretted the way I acted towards him. Sylus was always there for me, at least he tried to be. I became a shut in, and hot tempered. With the rage of losing my ability to snowboard, I would often take out my anger on the nearest person. And who was always by my side? Him. Though, I became too much even for a saber tooth to take down. Now, as I stare at him, all I can feel is guilt.

How annoying. How aggravating. I hate it. I hate how I am sitting here, with a smile on my face as I watch Sylus exaggerate words with dramatic hand gestures.

“You should have been there, Sebastian! I swear, I was practically flying during that tournament. The hills were massive! But ya know, i can handle anything so it was a breeze. I could snowboard on a mountain covered in rocks and sand like nothing.”

“Then it wouldn’t be snowboarding.” His gloating wasn't anything new to me. He had always been like this, and somehow, I have always tolerated it. Sylus grew up to become a world star snowboarder after my retirement. It seems my disappearance treated him well. Occasionally, I would follow up on news letters and live footage when I hear the mention of his name. The great cat that always lands on his feet. For over 10 years we have not spoken, and yet, I was always aware of how good life had been treating him. Though, there was one thing the media never covered. Like he was keeping a dirty secret from the cameras.

“Did you ever marry?”

His smile went from egotistical to hesitant, and he responded with a small head tilt. “Haha.. nah, i just- never had time for relationships, i guess. How about yourself? Surly you've got someone on your tail. That girl from freshman year? What was her name uh… Racheal?”

Ah. Of course he would mention her. He always held some sort of weird grudge over Racheal. Racheal is a mountain lion, who at the time, was my girlfriend. Up until my accident – She was another person i had driven away with my attitude. For the longest time, fans, media, even our family had become convinced we would marry, and live a prosperous life with children.

“No, we don't talk anymore.”

Sylus’s nail lightly tapped the table, as if a buzzer went off in his head. It was difficult to tell what that gesture meant- but he quickly covered it with a smile. “Aw, that sucks. Ya know, I’ve had loooads of offers. Ever since I started winning, it’s like girls would spawn at the finish line, and soon enough they would be spawning at my side! None of them have ever been perfect, though.” He laughed, though I could see right through his narcissism.

“Man- i've been talking this whole time, how about you?? How's Thee Beaumont been?”

“I’ve been fine.” That’s all I could say. I’ve never been one to talk in detail about myself, especially not now when my life has become so repetitive. Though, Sylus could see right through me just as easily as I can see through him.

“You were walking kind of tense on our way here. When was the last time you got your leg checked up? Seems like you might need a resize.”

My ears perked forward- I was surprised he had even noticed that. Since I’ve been doing the entire morning without my cane, the pressure has only been piling on.

“A week ago.”

“Liar.”

Hm. He’s right. I am lying. It had actually been a few years since I’ve visited the doctors. He was calling my bluff, and naturally, I needed to defend myself and excuse it. “I make sure to take care of myself, Sylus.”

My breath was caught stuck in my throat as I felt a graze against the inside of my leg. It was Sylus’ leg, leaning against my non-metallic one. As if it was on purpose. With sylus being much larger, he was easily able to push them apart. And suddenly, the heat from my mug Became unbearable in my face.

Sylus only smiled, tilting his head as if he was simply being playful. “Do you?”

What on earth is he doing.

His leg pulled away, as if it was some accidental touch. And I actually began to question if maybe it was.

Though, it had taken me so off guard that I became silent. Luckily, the cat never shuts up.

“You haven’t changed, huh? Ya know.. as I was waiting for you to come into work, I watched these two kids in suspiciously ski shop shaped polo shirts.. and I watched them run off with some gear after one of them prepped up the closed for break sign on the door.”

I immediately groan, knowing who Sylus was referring to.

Otis and Kenai. They are the two young adults who work at the ski shop within the resort. Otis is a large polar bear, with the most tamed heart. He is the golden employee, who I always could rely on in case a work emergency shows up. Kenai, on the other hand. Is a husky.

Which is ironic for a working dog breed.

However as a pair, they can be quite the party to be around. At times annoying, and others entertaining. But after so long, I can only ever trust those two with the shop.

“I could only find children who were willing to work there..”

He laughed, “they remind you of anyone? Remember when we used to ditch class just to go out and sled? Or when we’d sneak out of your moms place at night to race? I used to hate how your room was on the second story. I fell out of so many windows for your ass!”

The memories began to flood into my head. And a smile followed my face. The flashbacks of watching Sylus fall flat on his back from my window even caused me to laugh.

“Well if you hadn’t agreed to sneak out everytime I asked, you would have saved yourself many falls.”

“I would never turn down an offer so good! Sledding with you was like- falling in love!”

I swear I had heard string snap in half. I don’t think either of us picked up on it, but the tension his words brought was enough for us to pick it up again. By the look on his face, Sylus definitely had not expected those words to play out the way they did either.

He laughed, “anyways.. I was curious and decided to see what they had. The polar bear kid was impressive for such size! I actually even noticed a few of my own techniques in his play. But that husky- he’s got the same flame in him you did. You train him?”

Kenai? I felt almost offended he said that. As much of a great kid Kenai is, his ego is far too big. Though Sylus is right. He’s young, strong, and has a natural gift for the sport. But he’s too young and blinded by the rest of the world to ever impress me.

“No, I don’t. But I am aware of his talent.”

“Do you know if the kids ever done competitive?”

“Not that I know of, no?”

“Does he want do to competitive?”

I watch as Sylus digs into his inner coat pocket, then slides over two white envelopes. I take one look at the wax stamp marked on the both of them, and immediately recognize the crest.

They were personal sign up request for the upcoming yukon tournament. The biggest global snowboarding tournament.

My best games in history.

And also my most devastating.

“So you are here for recruits..”

“Well- no. I’m actually a coach for this prissy kid. But I just thought maybe.. there was a chance you got that dream of raising the next best.”

He remembers that?

I stare at the envelopes, then lightly reach my hand out over them. “Two each?”

Sylus nods, overly delighted as I slide the letters into my coat pocket.

“Yup! Your ticket is always free though, ya know. I’d love to see you there.”

“Likewise..”

the table fell silent again. That tournament held a lot of history for the both of us. Memories not just over losing my leg. But it’s where we had met as well.

“…hey you- still got that piano?”

…

Beaumont wasn’t entirely sure what compelled him to agree to invite Sylus over, but he knew he wouldn’t regret it.

Due to Beaumont having to finish with work, he had invited Sylus to his home for dinner that very night.

It was a perfect time. The food tasted flavorful, and the cold air from outside was unable to seep through the cracks. The two had opened a bottle of red wine.

And by the way it had tipped over without leaving a single stain, it was safe to say they emptied it.

“Let’s see here..” Sylus muttered as she shuffled through the many vinyls Beaumont had collected over the years. Finally he pulled one out- reading the cover. “No way, of course you have the cover version.”

Carefully, he began to place it on the record player.

Beaumont playfully rolled his eyes, too intoxicated to actually be annoyed. He just thought the pick was stupid for their setting as he heard the intro play.

It was Do I Wanna Know, Hoziers cover.

“I thought you were going to play something more uplifting and- exciting.”

“This is exciting. Come over here and flip this piano open” Sylus was already beating Beaumont to it, opening the piano and stepping aside for the other to sit. He didn’t even ask if Beaumont knew how to play the song, because it was obvious by the way Beaumont proudly stood up.

Without any hesitation, he seated himself in front of the keys, picking up on the current notes the vynl was playing.

And with ease, he began to follow it in perfect synchronization.

As if it were muscle memory, even drunk, his hands could not forget their placements. No matter the alcohol, it was obvious this song was a great deal to Beaumont as his focus settled onto the piano.

Have you no idea that you're in deep?

I dreamt about you nearly every night this week

How many secrets can you keep?

'Cause there's this tune I found

That makes me think of you somehow

And I play it on repeat

Until I fall asleep

Sylus per usual, was impressed each and every time he heard Beaumont play. As if he was the perfect being, capable of endless talent. He swiftly finished the last little bit of wine in his glass, before setting it aside. And then, he took a seat right beside Beaumont on the piano's bench.

Do I wanna know

If this feeling flows both ways?

Sad to see you go

Sort of hoping that you'd stay

Darling we both know

That the nights were mainly made

For saying things that you can't say tomorrow day

They were so close against one another now, that their legs brushed straight through each other. And to beaumonts surprise, with a light glance over, he watched as Sylus raised his left hand to the keys. Replacing his own- and following the next set of notes with him as his other half.

Crawling back to you

And with that, Beaumont was forced to lower his left hand into his lap as Sylus took over. Since their entire friendship, Beaumont has never known Sylus to ever touch a piano before. And yet here he was, perfectly matching his tempo to the music. And together, they followed the next set of lines.

Ever thought of calling when you've had a few?

'Cause I always do

Maybe I'm too

Busy being yours to fall for somebody new

Now I've thought it through

“Sebastian..” Sylus muttered under his breath, pulling his hand away from the instruments keys and allowing the record player to continue the song without them.

It always brought Heat to Beaumonts face whenever Sylus would use his first name. For so long, he was used to everyone calling him Beaumont that he had forgotten what it sounded like.

Beaumont came to a pause, curiously shifting all his attention onto Sylus’ next words. “Something wrong?”

Sylus’s ear flicked twice, then he lightly began to laugh. “Ya know, I forgot what I was gonna say! You still got it.”

A wave of disappointment filled Beaumonts chest, almost as if he had expected something different. He turned his head back down to the piano keys, “for such a large cat.. you are a coward.”

Taken aback, Sylus felt he had been attacked. And read right through. “What do you—“ Beaumont stood from his seat, “would you like another bottle? Perhaps that will raise your confidence.” As Beaumont turned away, his tail swayed underneath Sylus’s chin with a soft flick.

Sylus stood there dumbfounded as he realized what Beaumonts attitude was called for. He was coming into him.

20 years of pent up desire and withholding made Sylus almost want to get up and sink his fangs into Beaumonts neck. And finally, Beaumont was acknowledging it.

Or was it the alcohol talking?

As he watched Beaumont reach up to grab a concealed bottle from a high shelf, he caught a glimpse of a familiar spotted pattern due to his shirt rising up. As Beaumont began to read the name off the bottle, he left a warm hand tuck itself underneath his clothing. Sylus’ large claws tracing themselves up to his rib cage.

“How many more have you gained? You used to hate when a new spot would show up.”

Beaumont nearly dropped the bottle in his hand, “A lot—“

“Show me,” he begged out a whisper, curiously pulling down the waistline of Beaumonts plants to reveal the leopard pattern that flowed down his hips. To make matters worse, Sylus used his tongue to lick up the back of Beaumonts neck. His large teeth pressed right against his skin as if he was waiting for the perfect opportunity to bite.

“Is this really what you want, Sylus?”

He huffed, pressing his body weight against Beaumonts back.

“What I want? Sebastian.. what I want is to fuck you just as hard as I wanted to fifteen years ago.”

….

An annoying ring sung out on the front desk phone, and a small lamb picked it up. “Goodmorning, Susan speaking!

What-

Oh.. okay..”

Her chirpy attitude dropped as she slowly placed the phone down, in disbelief. Her Poodle co worker curiously looked over. “What was that?”

“Mr. Beaumont called out today..”

[walkhumble1]

Psalms 31:1 In You, O Lord, I have taken refuge; Let me never be ashamed; In Your righteousness deliver me. Psalms 31:2 Incline Your ear to me, rescue me quickly; Be to me a rock of strength, A stronghold to save me. Psalms 31:3 For You are my rock and my fortress; For Your name's sake You will lead me and guide me. Psalms 31:4 You will pull me out of the net which they have secretly laid for me, For You are my strength. Psalms 31:5 Into Your hand I commit my spirit; You have ransomed me, O Lord, God of truth. Psalms 31:6 I hate those who regard vain idols, But I trust in the Lord. Psalms 31:7 I will rejoice and be glad in Your lovingkindness, Because You have seen my affliction; You have known the troubles of my soul, Psalms 31:8 And You have not given me over into the hand of the enemy; You have set my feet in a large place. Psalms 31:9 Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am in distress; My eye is wasted away from grief, my soul and my body also. Psalms 31:10 For my life is spent with sorrow And my years with sighing; My strength has failed because of my iniquity, And my body has wasted away. Psalms 31:11 Because of all my adversaries, I have become a reproach, Especially to my neighbors, And an object of dread to my acquaintances; Those who see me in the street flee from me. Psalms 31:12 I am forgotten as a dead man, out of mind; I am like a broken vessel. Psalms 31:13 For I have heard the slander of many, Terror is on every side; While they took counsel together against me, They schemed to take away my life. Psalms 31:14 But as for me, I trust in You, O Lord, I say, "You are my God." Psalms 31:15 My times are in Your hand; Deliver me from the hand of my enemies and from those who persecute me. Psalms 31:16 Make Your face to shine upon Your servant; Save me in Your lovingkindness. Psalms 31:17 Let me not be put to shame, O Lord, for I call upon You; Let the wicked be put to shame, let them be silent in Sheol. Psalms 31:18 Let the lying lips be mute, Which speak arrogantly against the righteous With pride and contempt. Psalms 31:19 How great is Your goodness, Which You have stored up for those who fear You, Which You have wrought for those who take refuge in You, Before the sons of men! Psalms 31:20 You hide them in the secret place of Your presence from the conspiracies of man; You keep them secretly in a shelter from the strife of tongues. Psalms 31:21 Blessed be the Lord, For He has made marvelous His lovingkindness to me in a besieged city. Psalms 31:22 As for me, I said in my alarm, "I am cut off from before Your eyes"; Nevertheless You heard the voice of my supplications When I cried to You. Psalms 31:23 O love the Lord, all you His godly ones! The Lord preserves the faithful And fully recompenses the proud doer. Psalms 31:24 Be strong and let your heart take courage, All you who hope in the Lord.

[spaceagebachelormann]

Dating Tam Song headcanons for the poor please? Also, are you excited for the shadow and bone cast q&a? Cause I certainly am.

DATING TAM SONG

  ੈ✩‧₊˚ FANDOM: keeper of the lost cities

  ੈ✩‧₊˚ FORMAT: headcanons

  ੈ✩‧₊˚ WARNINGS: one teeny tiny angsty mention, like technically a few spoilers??

  ੈ✩‧₊˚ A/N: HI ALICE!!! i am over the moon for the shadow and bone cast q&a ive never been more excited for anything ever in my life

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BEEN WAITING FOR THIS REQUEST SINCE I STARTED THIS BLOG

okay so he is like the greatest most awesomest boyfriend ever istg

he seems like his love language would be acts of service

and also he’d genuinely be upset if you walked into a room without him opening the door for you or sat down without him pulling out the chair

he’s a gentleman let him be one <3

you’re required to be friends with linh

if she doesn’t like you it’s an immediate red flag (unless your rayni)

sophie WILL make you take a 325 question quiz to see if you’re right for her bsf

no i’m joking it’s 5 questions

anyways

he’d like shows from like the 50s-early 70s

so you’ll walk in on him watching something in black and white and be like “what’s this” and you better sit down because he’s gonna tell you the whole plot

it’s so interesting watching him talk about stuff he likes <33 his eyes light up and he starts rambling

you can tell he’s passionate about it

THIS MAN IS A BIG CUDDLER BTW

your legally obliged to not tell anyone especially keefe this but he thrives on cuddles

like even if it’s for 5 mins in the most uncomfortable position ever it’s enough to make his whole week

hed also make an insane effort to keep you away from both the neverseen and his parents

hes lost enough and you don’t need to be added to that long list <3

okay um anywyas next

hed call you the most weirdest names ever

“hey i brought that thing you wanted” “thank you baguette”

he basically just calls you foods

also we’ve seen how protective he is of linh right??? yeah that but with you is 10x worse

will quite literally follow you around

and like it’s not in a “i don’t trust you” way it’s in a “i just want you to be safe” way

he’ll back off if you ask him too

the thing is he has that “anything for you <3” mentality but it’s more like “ANYTHING for you. <3”

more threatening basically

also so help me god if someone tries to hurt you in some way

they like can’t even look at you afterwards

okay next set of hcs!!

i think he’d like

LOVE to read and hed like go to the library every other day to get 15 new books

and i have this cute little idea of him going there because you go there and it gives him an excuse to stare at you for several hours <3

its probably how you met him

but then again he seems like he’s more likely to fall for someone who’s known for a few months/years

also he can sculpt because i said so

so if you like sculptures/mythology he makes you little statues

will let you mess with his hair and braid it and put it in pigtails and stuff

after much convincing

he’s like super shy at the beginning of the relationship but as it progresses and he becomes more comfortable you can tell how much he really does like you

linh tells you not to be alarmed cause he’s just getting comfortable

also when he gets excited he has this little look in his eyes

they become all sparkly and glittery

now it’s 5x more sparkly and glittery when he’s talking to you

OH HE COMES TO YOUR HOUSE A LOT

i kinda like the idea of him and a childhood friends to lovers and like he comes to your house a lot so he doesn’t have to go home

hed love holding your hands btw

no matter if they’re warm, cold, rough, soft, small, big, he loves them

will constantly be grabbing your hands and dragging you around (affectionately)

he loves kissing them also

before he’s about to leave to go do something he takes one of your hands and gently kisses it before skeddadling

he could talk to you for hours

theres times in conversations where someone will be talking and he internally WILL NOT CARE AT ALL but as soon as you have your own input/opinion he’s listening intently

also imagine going to something with him where you need to dress fancy and he sees you in your fancy pretty outfit and is like awestruck

unable to form words

thinks you are the most amazing person ever like he’d kill for you if you asked

also would love doing your hair

okay it’s 12am i have to sleep

he’s such a good bf i love him

[rhetoricalrogue]

This year, instead of making a bunch of resolutions all at once and then feeling bad that I dropped the ball on one and quitting the rest because of my usual “if I can’t do it perfectly, why bother” mentality, I’m going to develop one new habit per month. I’m hoping that by this time in December, most of my early monthly habits will be second nature so I can incorporate new habits each month. I’m taking it at a month by month basis, so if I’m struggling with one I’m not rushing to build a new one, because that’s a recipe for failure for me. If I need more time to make sure things stick, I’m going to take it, even if that means that ultimately I only developed one lasting habit this year.

This year’s theme is “what can I do now to help Future Issa out later? How can I make life less stressful for us now and 12 months from now?” Burnout has been an ongoing problem for the past two, three years now and I’m tired of grasping at straws and constantly being exhausted, both physically and mentally. I want to develop habits that will make my life easier in the long run, starting with getting enough rest and making sure my mornings get off to a good start.

So! January’s goal is to develop a realistic morning and nighttime routine so that my mornings aren’t rushed and I get to work on time.

I’ve been on vacation since before Christmas and in that time, I haven’t set any alarms. I usually wake up around 6:00 or 7:00, which means that my body needs roughly 7-8 hours of sleep to function. I’ve also been having regular breakfasts, which have kept me full until noon every day, so I want to keep that going. Luckily, making meal prepping a 2022 habit has carried over, so I think a few tweaks will make this manageable.

The night before, starting after dinner:

Wash dinner dishes

Set up coffee, put automatic timer on for 6 am

Set out coffee cup, spoon, sugar

Set out dishes for breakfast (measuring cup for oatmeal, bowl, spoon, etc)

Set our morning vitamins, glass for water

Things to do 30 minutes before bed:

Take vitamins

Make a cup of tea

Do nighttime skincare/haircare

Set out morning skincare, clothes for work

Shut off all lights except for some lamps

Drink tea, take time to de-stress before bed

In the morning:

Make bed so I’m not tempted to fall back to sleep

Make breakfast, take vitamins

Shower, do morning skincare

Drink coffee, take time to relax and prepare for the day/think about what needs to be done that day

Get dressed, head out to work

I did a practice run this morning since it’s my last day to be on vacation and I had time to slowly wake up. I need to be out the door by 7:30 at the latest in order to be at work and have enough time to start things up/see how my morning is going to go/organize my thoughts before I clock in at 8, so I’m thinking that 6:30 may be my best time to wake up.

My goal is to set things up the night before so that everything is ready and becomes automatic the next morning to help Future Me not have to think about what goes next while I’m still half-asleep. Most of the work is done the night before, and honestly, it’s not even that much. I think it took me maybe 5 minutes max to set everything up and another 15-20 minutes to actually do the wind down before bed portion.

I’m not a big breakfast person, but I’ve spent my vacation experimenting with variations of overnight oats, instant cream of wheat and fruit, microwave breakfast sandwiches, and cereal, so I think I can rotate between those options to keep myself from getting bored and keep me from getting hangry by 10 or 11 at work.

Most of the morning routine is completed within 30-40 minutes, but I want to give myself a full hour to a) enjoy a slow morning without waking up already stressed about the day and b) take the time to mentally prepare myself for the workday with a set plan of tasks that need to be worked on (not necessarily accomplished because Things Happen, but I find that I’m not as frazzled about juggling tasks if I can at least touch on various things daily and adjust which items are more important throughout the week since my job seldomly lets me focus on one thing at a time.)

I think that this can be doable, if today was any indication. I’m also making a side habit to work on that I was already starting last year that helped tremendously with my workload to end the workday by taking the last 10-15 minutes of the day prepping what needed to be finished, either by making a sticky note to myself or by setting up a pile of paperwork in my inbox that was ready to go in the morning for whatever next step was needed. It made things easier to remember where I had left off instead of me flipping through my stack and spending more time each morning setting things up before getting distracted by that day’s tasks and then ultimately getting overwhelmed by everything that needed to be done. It also made a good winding down practice to ease out of Work Mode and get ready for Home Mode by the time 5:00 rolled around.

Will this work? I hope so, but I’m also not going to beat myself up if I skip a day in order to sleep in a half hour longer or if there’s days when I’m not hungry when I wake up. On those days I’ll grab some of the snacks I’ve already stocked my fridge and pantry with to have when I do get hungry later at work. I want to give myself some flexibility to take the time to check in with myself and do what’s best for me this year instead of doing the gogogo all or nothing thinking that I’ve fallen into these past few years that’s made me dislike a job that I otherwise really enjoy and want to grow into something more and pushed myself to the point where I’m not only burning the candle at both ends, but also at multiple points in the middle.

I’ll see where I am at the end of this month. Hopefully I’ll be in a place where my mornings aren’t so rushed and I wake up rested, but if not, then at least I can see what worked and what didn’t to try again in February.

[agent-whiskeys-sweetheart]

Meant To Be (ii)

Pairing: Hotch x F!Reader

Summary: Over a year after your first interaction with the BAU, it is finally time for your first day as an official team member. Even with all the excitement of the day, the biggest thing you look forward to is seeing Aaron Hotchner again. However, your perfect first day quickly turns out to be not at all what you had imagined. 

Warnings: None, some angst? 

Word Count: 5,585

A/N: Just know that I promise things are going to get better lol.

NOVEMBER 2007

QUANTICO, VA

For the first time in your life the sound of your alarm is a very welcome one as it rouses you from your light slumber. The whole room is filled with light as the sun streams through the cracked blinds. You had been in this apartment for two months now. It had taken some getting used to but it was starting to feel like home. That was very important to you seeing as Quantico was where you were going to be for the foreseeable future. It took you no time at all to sit up in bed, throwing off your blanket. When you got up to start getting ready, everything was exactly where it was supposed to be. Your clothes draped over the chair at the end of the bed, your go-bag on top of the dresser, and your entry paperwork out on the kitchen table. As always, you had thought out every minute detail. You are determined to make sure that your first day at the BAU is perfect. It had taken excruciatingly hard work and dedication to get to where you are now. Nothing and no one is going to spoil it for you.

After getting dressed in record time you grab your go-bag off the dresser and head out to the living room. You set it on the table next to your paperwork and make your way into the kitchen. Scrambled eggs and toast sound like a good way to start the morning so you get out a skillet and a few eggs. Before you even have a chance to turn on the burner the sound of your phone going off in your bedroom causes you to run back in to check it. As you pull it off the charger you immediately smile widely at the name that flashes on your screen.

“Hey there Miss FBI Agent. God, that sounds good doesn’t it? FBI agent. Or maybe BAU agent. Didn’t I hear you say SSA once? What does that mean? Is it good? It sounds pretty powerful.” 

“It means Supervisory Special Agent. And anything you call me that means I’m not hallucinating this whole thing is fine with me.”

“I like that. SSA Y/N L/N. Sounds official. Which is exactly what you are as of today! How are you feeling right now?”

“Excited. Prepared. Kind of like I’m on top of the world.” 

“As you should! It’s been a long journey to get here, you deserve to enjoy every step. I still can’t believe my little sister is in the FBI.” 

Your sister has been your biggest support system for as long as you can remember. No matter what path you choose, you know she will always have your back. It had been heartbreaking to leave her when you moved but you knew it would be worthwhile in the end. Today is when it finally pays off. She has called you almost every day so even though you are states apart, she is never truly absent. Hearing her voice now, getting the chance to share this moment with her, is more important to you than you know how to express.

“I can’t believe that you’re awake before noon.” This earns a scoff.

“I will have you know that I set an alarm for 5:30 so I would be awake in time to tell you good morning before you head off to work.” 

“That’s very sweet of you. I’m really glad you called.”

“Hey, there’s no way in hell I was gonna miss your first day!” 

“I appreciate that. It means a lot to have your support.”

“Of course! I will always give it freely. Besides, this is too cool not to talk about. You get to catch bad guys. You now have special government access. Plus you can basically read minds. You’re a real life superhero. How totally awesome is that?”

“Oh, I know. Why do you think I wanted the job? I’m glad you’re able to see its merits. Most people find it very morbid. Or boring.” 

“Well most people aren’t us.” Glancing over at the clock, you can’t help a small sigh from leaving your chest. Your sister of course catches on. “Do you have to go?” 

“Yeah. I only have about 15 minutes. Thank you so much for calling though! I always look forward to hearing from you.”

“Well I don’t have any patients today and I expect you to call me later tonight so we can talk about everything, okay?”

“Okay, it’s a plan. I love you.” 

“I love you too. Have a great first day.” You hang up quickly, making your way back into the kitchen to put away what you had gotten out. Instead you pull out a few granola bars to eat on the way. Even though this isn’t quite what you had planned you don’t mind one bit. Talking to your sister is more important. You briefly wonder if she took today off just so she could be there for you or if it is just a coincidence. If it was on purpose, you wouldn’t be surprised. It had always been kind of funny to you what careers both of you had chosen. She is a therapist. You are a profiler. While the two do have distinct differences there are also a lot of striking similarities. It’s just funny how life works out sometimes. Never what you expect. 

You head into the bedroom to grab your go-bag, making sure everything you need is in there. Picking up the paperwork from the table, you head out the door and downstairs to your car. After loading your things up, you turn on the radio to the most uplifting station you can find. This is the kind of morning where nothing less than radiant positivity is welcomed. It’s the first day of your new life and you are going to make the most of it, even if it kills you. 

The drive seems to go by in an instant and soon you find yourself in the parking lot of the BAU headquarters. There is still confidence bubbling inside of you but seeing the building right there in front of you causes the nerves to kick in as well. It seems so much bigger to you now. With a deep breath, you realize you need a little boost from your good luck charm. The small compartment on top of your dashboard opens with a click and you pull out the piece of paper inside. It feels good to have in your hands and you read the name at the top over and over again. Aaron Hotchner. His business card had stayed in your car all these years and whenever you felt nervous or unsteady, you pulled it out and for some reason it always calmed you. You were grateful to have it now more than ever. 

Feeling renewed, you set the card back in its cubby and get out of the car. Things in hand, you stride right up to the front doors and let yourself inside. Once inside the main lobby you head over to the front desk, where a man asks for your ID. Reaching into the front pocket of your go bag you pull out the badge you had collected weeks in advance. A feeling of power washes over you when he clears you, much like a year and a half ago when you had stepped inside the Fort Worth precinct. However, it was a much more intense feeling now. 

The journey towards the main offices of the BAU feels like a dream. The elevator carries you to the right floor and you float towards the glass doors that lead into your new workspace. Inside, it is bright and full of life. People move past you with such fluidity that it seems almost like a dance and baby, you are ready to tango.

Soon your attention is being commanded by a friendly voice you recognize very quickly. “Well, look who it is!”

Morgan makes his way towards you, a wide grin on his face. He looks just how you remember. You are glad the first person to greet you is someone you know. Now standing in front of you, he raises his arms and his expression changes as he silently asks for your permission. With a nod, you reach out as well as he pulls you in for a hug. 

“It’s nice to see you again sweetheart. I was starting to wonder if you were ever gonna show up.” Laughing lightly at this, you feel yourself relaxing. “Look at you, all professional. How does it feel?” 

“Completely liberating. It feels like it took me a lifetime to get here and now that I am, I can’t wait to get started.” 

“Well, you’re gonna get your chance sooner than you think. We just got a case this morning. They called us in a little early to debrief us. We’ll fill you in on the jet. It’s go time baby.” He lightly pats your arm with a smile as he leads you over to where the rest of the team is, all sat at their desks. Spencer and JJ you recognize but there’s one face that you haven’t seen before. “Look who finally made it.”

JJ stands quickly to give you a hug, patting your back. “Leave her alone. She was doing a lot of hard work to get here. She doesn’t deserve to be teased in her first ten minutes on the job.” She says to Morgan, shooting him a playful glare. “Welcome. We’re really excited to have you here. You’re going to make a wonderful addition to the team. If you ever need anything just let me know, okay?” 

“I will. Promise. Thanks.” Spencer is the next to stand, extending his hand to you. Taking it in your own, you nod respectfully. You don’t linger, not wanting to make him uncomfortable. 

“Hi. Sorry, I’m not much of a hugger.” 

“Oh, no need to be sorry. I definitely get it. It’s nice to see you again. I know we didn’t really get a chance to talk the last time we saw each other but I’m hoping to change that now that we’re coworkers.” 

“Of course. I would like that.” There is still a slight awkwardness in the way he smiles but not nearly as much so as when you first met him. He’s the only one of the three that you don’t feel much of a connection with but you are determined to change that. These were your peers now. Your new family. It was important to you that you get to know all of them. It was jarring at first seeing how familiar they are with you already but it doesn’t take long for you to become comfortable as well. However you quickly remember that there is one person you still haven’t met. Turning to her, you extend your hand. 

“Hello. I’m Y/N L/N.” She shakes your hand.

“Nice to meet you. I’m Emily Prentiss. These guys seem to have the advantage here. How do you all know each other?” 

“Oh, I shadowed them about a year and a half ago now while I was still a student. Today is my first day as a member of the team.” 

“That’s wonderful! Well, I’m excited to get to know you as well.” She offers a welcoming smile, one you appreciate. As you look around the bullpen you take note of the fact that Elle is nowhere to be found. At the moment you feel it isn’t your place to bring this up, so you simply smile at the people who are with you now. 

“So, I hear we’ve got a case.” You begin, desperately wanting to learn everything you can now so you can fully prepare yourself.

“Yeah,” JJ answers. “It’s a string of high level armed robberies in Los Angeles. Nobody has been able to identify or apprehend any of the unsubs. There are five of them. All of the robberies were almost identical except for the last one. Someone was shot and killed. That’s when the authorities invited us to work the case.” 

“Sounds like fun, huh?” Derek chimes in, jabbing you with his elbow. 

“I don’t know if fun is the right word. Interesting sounds better, I think. I’m ready to get started though.” 

“Yeah, I see that,” He gestures to your go-bag. “Good thing you’re all packed. That was a smart choice. They don’t always tell you to bring a bag on the first day. You’re all over it though.” 

“Well, you only get one shot at a first impression. I wanted to be seen as professional. Plus I am very rarely unprepared for things.” 

“Good. That’s a pretty good philosophy to hang onto, especially in this profession. The more prepared you are going into it, the better equipped you are to handle the stressors of the job. There’s a lot of tough things you’re gonna have to deal with but if you charge head first with a clear sense of where you’re going and what you’re doing, it’ll take a lot of the anxiety out of it.” You listen intently as he speaks with a tone of sincerity you have not yet heard from him. When he sees you staring at him, he chuckles. “First tip is free but next time I’m gonna charge you. Good advice like that doesn’t come cheap.” 

“Okay, good to know.” You laugh, looking towards the others with a smile. “How about you guys? Any free tips for the newbie?” 

“Yeah,” Emily chimes in. “Don’t listen to anything Morgan says.” This causes him to roll his eyes jokingly. “Although here’s a real piece of advice. No matter what happens, no matter how hard the job gets, don’t forget who you are. Don’t let this work compromise your beliefs and your morals. There are going to be times when you rethink what you know but don’t let the awful things you see harden you and turn you into someone you’re not. I can already see that you have a real light and kindness about you. Never let the bad people take that away from you or else they win.” Hearing this, your expression softens. For only having known you for a few minutes, Emily already seems to have bonded with you. Enough to give you such important advice. Her words linger in your head for a moment.

“I’ll definitely remember that.” JJ places a hand on your arm. 

“Can I add something?” You nod eagerly, wanting to soak up all of the knowledge that you possibly can from these people. “My advice would be to talk to your loved ones as often as you can. Trust me, you’ll definitely want to after some of the stuff that we see. Talking to someone outside of work and grounding yourself in those relationships will help keep you sane. You’re going to be really grateful for a strong support system later on.” 

“Luckily I do have a really strong support system in my sister. She basically raised me. She’s my best friend. It was hard to leave her but I know she still supports my decision.” 

“That’s so great. I’m really glad you have someone like that.” You nod, feeling a small tinge of sadness when you think about how much you wish she was here with you. However, it passes quickly when Morgan puts his hand on your shoulder as a sign of comfort. The gesture is simple but calming, almost as if he’s telling you that he is a part of your support system now too. You know the people surrounding you will have your back. That thought lifts your spirits immeasurably. 

“What about you? I’m sure I could get some good advice from a genius.” You say to Spencer after clearing your throat. 

He chuckles lightly and thinks for a moment. “I guess I would say don’t let your age stop you from reaching your potential. You and I are the same age so I think I know to some extent how nerve wracking all this must be. Just know that even though you are young you have a lot of skills and abilities to bring to the table. Chase after what you want and soak up everything you can now. I’m obviously a strong believer in the collection of knowledge so the more you learn the better off you’ll be later. And you have as much right to be here as anyone else. You’ve done the work so believe in your own skills.” The three of you watch him for a moment and he looks between you. “But, hey, what do I know.” His joke makes you laugh.

“No, that’s really good advice. Thank you.” Before you have a chance to say anything else, a voice from behind causes all of you to stop.

“What’s all the commotion out here?” Turning around quickly you see an older man with dark hair standing on the walkway that wraps around the bullpen. His eyebrows are raised as he begins making his way towards you. Upon seeing him you put on your best professional face but the others seem to stay relaxed as he walks over to you. Once he’s standing next to you he offers you his hand. “Hello.” You take it quickly, shaking hands with him as you maintain eye contact. Unsure of who this man is, you are afraid to make a bad impression. As you look into his eyes there is something so strikingly familiar about him but you aren’t quite sure what it is. “Who might you be?” 

“Sorry, sir. I am Y/N L/N. Today is my first day as a member of the BAU. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” His dark expression immediately lightens as he gives you a small smile. 

“Ah. It’s nice to meet you as well. Sorry to scare you. I just have to keep these trouble makers in line from time to time.” Seeing him smile causes you to grin as well, beginning to relax again.

“Of course. It’s not a problem at all sir.” 

“Well I’m David Rossi. Welcome to the BAU, I guess would be an appropriate introduction. I promise I’m not always so scary.” 

“Just most of the time.” Derek adds, causing David to give him a look.

“Please ignore him. I like to think I’m a nice man. I don’t want to scare you off on your first day.” At this you can’t help but laugh. 

“Oh trust me sir, you won’t. I’ve worked really hard to get here. There’s no getting rid of me now.” This causes him to laugh. 

“That’s a good attitude to have. It’ll get you pretty far in this career. Keep working, keep putting the bad people away. It may take a while but it’s a gratifying feeling. In the meantime, just keep your chin up and you’ll be just fine. You seem like a bright kid.” 

“Thank you, sir. I appreciate that.” 

“Please, you can call me Rossi. Everyone else does.” 

“Okay. Rossi. Thanks.” With a warm smile he pats your arm. 

“If you want a prime example of working hard to get ahead, look at Hotch. I don’t think I’ve ever seen that man not at work. That’s why he’s the boss.” Derek says. His words make your breath hitch. Just the mention of his name makes you nervous. It’s been such a long time since you’ve seen him and you only spent time together for one day but even so he has been such a huge inspiration to you. And seemingly for good reason. You already know that Hotchner is going to be the man to impress around here but you don’t mind that much.

“Speaking of, have you spoken with Hotch yet today?” Rossi asks. 

“No. I actually have some paperwork that I need to give to him before we leave, clearing me to travel and all of that. Could I possibly see him now?” You try not to sound too desperately hopeful.

“Yeah, of course. His office is right up there.” Rossi points to a door across the room. With a deep breath you nod in gratitude and then begin making the walk over to his office. It seems like an endless journey as you remind yourself over and over again that he’s just a person and you don’t need to be so afraid. Or nervous. Excited? Infatuated? Whatever the feeling is, it’s overwhelming. Once you’re outside his door, you close your eyes and breath before knocking. His voice is clear coming from the other side as he tells you to come in. 

Opening the door cautiously, you step inside with paperwork in hand. Hotch is sitting at his desk filling something out, not looking up.

“Good morning sir.” Upon hearing your voice he looks quickly up at you. His eyes are just as dark and intense as you dreamed, fixated completely on you. The two of you maintain eye contact for a moment and the world is nothing but him. Suddenly realizing what you’re doing you force yourself to snap out of it, reminding yourself that this man is your boss and you’re acting like a lunatic. 

“Good morning.” He says simply, not moving as he watches you intently. Willing yourself to gather up all of your confidence, you walk over to stand right in front of his desk. 

“It’s really lovely to see you again. Being here is like a dream. At the BAU, I mean. I’ve been looking forward to it for so long, I almost can’t believe that I’m here. Now that I am though, I’m ready to work. I plan to earn your trust now just like I did the last time we worked together. I won’t let you down.” With a sudden flush of embarrassment, you grip the papers tightly. You have only been in his office for a few seconds and already you have completely exploded in excitement. Taking another breath, you calm yourself. “Sorry sir. I’m just very excited to be here. If you couldn’t tell.” 

There is another moment of silence as Hotch’s eyes stay locked on yours, scrutinizing your expression with calm intensity. For a second you can almost see him thinking, as though he’s working something out in his head though you aren’t quite sure what that is. After a moment he stands up, putting you both on equal footing. Everything about him commands your focus and attention. A quiet prayer hangs on your lips as you wait for him to say your name again after all this time. Just once is all you need and then you’d be happy. No more daydreams, no more delusions, no more distractions. Just once and you can do your job. If only he’d quit staring at you so deeply and tell you exactly what you want to hear.

“I do appreciate your heartfelt words ma’am but I’m afraid I’m at a loss. I’m not sure I know who you are.” With that your heart drops. Of all the things he could have possibly said, this was the most disappointing. It’s such a small sentence but it is a mighty blow.

“I’m sorry?” You inquire, hoping that maybe you misunderstood.

“I’m really very sorry ma’am but I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m not sure we’ve ever met.” Nope, you had understood what he was saying perfectly much to your dismay.

“My name is Y/N L/N sir. We did meet a little over a year ago now. You came to my hometown to work on a case and I spent the day shadowing you. I was a student at the time. Today is my first day here as a team member.” Hotch says nothing in response for a time, his expression exposing what seems to be a deep sense of regret. 

“I apologize. We go through a lot of cases, it’s difficult for me to keep track of all the people that come and go in my life.” That is all you need to hear to shut down any further fantasizing. You had come and gone from his life a long time ago. Frankly you feel foolish for indulging these thoughts anyway. It was one day a year ago. There is nothing to look into. He is your boss now, not some high school crush. This is a professional environment. This would be for the better anyway. At least those are the sorts of things you tell yourself. “I really don’t mean any offense. It’s nice to meet you. Needless to say we’ll get to know each other now since we’ll be working together. Welcome to the team.” He tries to soften his expression but there is still a severity to it that doesn’t ease the knot in your stomach. 

“It’s really my fault, sir. I shouldn’t have expected you to remember me. It was a long time ago and you’re a very busy man. No offense taken. I’m excited to work with you.” Trying to change the subject, you extend your paperwork towards him. “Here’s all of my entry paperwork. It gives me authorization to travel, my medical and professional history is there as well. All I need is your signature and I will be clear to begin working.” Looking through it quickly he nods before signing each of the necessary lines. He hands it back to you and you nod awkwardly before deciding to merely head towards the door. “Thank you sir. I’ll take this to the front desk really quickly and I’ll be good to work this latest case. I’ve already brought a go-bag.” 

“Oh, you won’t be needing a go-bag.” This stops you in your tracks.

“I won’t?” You ask, turning to face him. 

“No, you won’t. You’re not travelling with us for the case.” Every dream you’d had about your first day at the BAU is crumbling around you with every word that comes out of his mouth. 

“Can I ask why, sir?” Leaning down to open a cabinet, he pulls out his own go-bag and unzips it to check its contents. This simple act of dismissal is enough to make you feel an inch tall. 

“It’s only your first day, I don’t hardly know anything about you. I don’t feel comfortable taking an agent into the field that is practically a stranger to me and to the rest of my team. It will only compromise your safety and the safety of others. When I get back, we’ll have a discussion and see where you’re at when the next case rolls around.”

“But sir,” For a second your own words ring in your head. You’re the boss. No explanation necessary. You are not the kind of person that questions authority. You never have been and you thought you never would be but hearing your new boss say this to you makes your blood boil for some reason. It’s like Spencer said. You have as much right to be here as anyone else and you have not gone through seven years of grueling work to be put on the sidelines from day one. “I have studied and trained for a long time. I put in the work, the same as the rest of you and that’s why I’m here. I didn’t just show up on accident, it’s because I’m good at what I do. I have all the paperwork and I am prepared to put in the effort on this case.” His movements have stopped now and his eyes stay locked on yours, unable to look away as you speak. Once you’re finished he breaks away and sighs deeply. 

“I am not disputing any of that but I am responsible for the safety of my team and now that includes you. It would make me feel much better if I could talk with you before sending you to the front lines. I’m on your side here even if it doesn’t seem like it. But at the end of the day I am your boss and I have final say. The answer is no. I want to like you, Y/N. Don’t give me reason to distrust you on your first day.” 

“Yes sir,” Is all you are able to mutter as you feel yourself deflate. “I didn’t mean any disrespect.” The shift in your demeanor must have been palpable because his expression suddenly softens and a hint of a smile ghosts over his lips as he walks over to you. 

“I know you didn’t. I’m sorry to disappoint you but you’ll have your chance soon enough.” With that, he grabs his bag and walks out of the office. In no more than ten minutes all of your big hopes and dreams for your perfect first day at the BAU were crushed. Everything has been happening so fast that it still seems like it might not be real. It’s all you can do to walk back out into the bullpen. Derek is the first one to notice your mood shift. 

“What happened?” With a forced smile you shake your head.

“I’m not going to be joining you guys. The boss doesn’t feel comfortable letting me into the field just yet. I guess it makes sense.” Hearing this, Derek, JJ, and Spencer all three share a confused look.

“It actually doesn’t make that much sense. If you’ve got the paperwork, you are clear to go in the field. Everything should be in order. I’m not sure why he would wanna keep you behind. You’ll learn more in the field than you will sitting here.” Emily and JJ nod in agreement and you shrug off his questioning.

“It is what it is. I’ll just have to make the most out of it.” You quiet down but he can see that there is still something upsetting you.

“Okay, come on. What else happened?” The expression on his face is one of determination as he stares you down, waiting for an answer. 

“It’s nothing really. It’s just that he didn’t remember me and I was a little disappointed. That’s all. It’s not really a big deal.” 

“No, that is definitely a big deal. Hotch is not a forgetful man. Especially when it comes to people. If he worked one on one with you a year ago and he knew you were going to be a future member of his team, he would have paid especially close attention to you. That just definitely doesn’t seem right to me.” As much as you agreed with him you decided now wasn’t the time to push the issue. 

“Well, I’m sure he just had a lot on his mind. It doesn’t matter. Anyway, good luck guys. I’ll see you when you get back.” The look on Derek’s face indicates that he wants to continue the conversation but he doesn’t. The three of them grab their go-bags and head to the door. Following them you smile when Derek gives you a side hug.

“We’ll all go get a drink when we get back. I promise.” You nod. 

“I’ll hold you to that.” Before he can walk out the doors with the others you stop him. “Hey. Thanks. I know we still don’t know each other that well but I appreciate you making me feel welcome.” 

“No problem, kid. You’re one of us now. We have to protect our own.” With one last smile he disappears through the main doors. Stepping out after him you stop when you see Hotch standing right outside the doors. With a small breath you walk over to him. 

“You’ll be working with our technical analyst, Penelope Garcia. Go down to the bottom floor. Her office will be the third door on the right when you get off the elevator. She’ll introduce herself. She’s very friendly. We’ll speak when I get back.” With that, he too disappears. 

In little more than thirty minutes, your perfect day is ruined before it has even really begun. Thoughts spin inside your head faster than you can comprehend. It feels like your fault for letting your expectations get so high. There is no way of erasing it. No matter how many good days you have from here on out, your first day at the BAU will always be a sad memory. It hadn’t been all bad of course. It had been nice to talk with the other team members for the short time that you had. However, that feeling was quickly ruined by your interaction with Hotchner. He was one of the main reasons you were so excited to begin working. You were sure that he would have some inspirational words of advice for you but all he had done was make you feel belittled. There was no way of taking that back. Now you were side lined for your very first case and it was completely out of your control. You really wish you had your good luck charm right about now. Something tells you you’re going to need it now more than ever. The Hotch that exists within that business card is the one you want to linger in your memories. The respectful and professional agent who had made you feel so respected and appreciated. That is the Hotch you need right now but that isn’t the man you’d spoken with today. That is what broke your heart more than anything. With one last longing look at the main doors you gather yourself up and head down to meet Penelope Garcia. 

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