wintersoldiersoul

[wintersoldiersoul]

it’s so painful to feel like a burden to the person you love

[wintersoldiersoul]

Requests??

Would love to write some requests from you guys! Send ideas my way

[wintersoldiersoul]

Drowning

A/N: Not sure how I feel about this one but I'm currently going through this situation with my boyfriend and I thought that writing about it might help me feel better. Haven't gotten to the part where I talk to him about it but maybe this will inspire me.

It was late. Too late. You should be sleeping but it was impossible with your mind racing. You and Bucky had been together for almost a year now but you never really felt secure in your relationship with him. Maybe it was the way that your last boyfriend had broken up with you out of nowhere. You wish you knew why, but you always felt like Bucky was going to run. 

As much as you loved him, you also wanted more from him. More reassurance. More romance. More small gestures to show you that he cared. And you couldn’t blame him for not giving them to you when you hadn’t asked but as much as you preached the importance of communication to your friends, you were a hypocrite. You could never apply that to your own relationship.

Everytime you tried to express your feelings, you couldn’t do it. What if I’m right? What if I tell him that I’m afraid he’s gonna leave and he finally takes it as his chance to do so? You would think. Or what if I plant the idea in his head? 

All of this was made harder by the fact that you were younger than him. While he was established with a career, living on his own, you had just graduated college and were back living with your parents. Finding a job felt nearly impossible despite the countless resumes and cover letters that you sent out every single day. Your brain constantly flashed back to a conversation you had in May, where you asked him if you would stay together when you moved back home. Your hometown was less than an hour from where Bucky lived in Brooklyn, so in your mind it was a no brainer. But when your question opened up a conversation that blindsided you.

Bucky explained that he was ready to be settled down. You were shocked when he had said the words, “Sometimes it feels like we have an expiration date.”

The next morning he said he was being ridiculous. That he loved you and of course the two of you would figure it out. But ever since then, you hadn’t been able to relax. Even now, a month into you living back at home you still couldn’t shake the feeling that he was going to change his mind. You saw him just as often as you had when you were still living in the city. You didn’t mind taking the train to go see him 3 or 4 times a week. But the stress and anxiety was weighing on you. Combined with adjusting to post-grad life, you were not doing well. 

You had never felt so lonely in your life. All of your college friends had also moved back to their hometowns while most of your friends from high school were still dispersed around the country. The job search left you feeling defeated every single day. And the lack of things to do and structure made life feel meaningless. It was safe to say that you had hit a low point. 

But you wanted to hide it all from Bucky. Because what if you brought up how hard it was to find a job and he realized that this wasn’t going to work? What if you told him how lonely you were and he was offended that he wasn’t enough? He knew that you struggled with anxiety and he was no stranger to mental health issues of his own but you just found it impossible to open up to him about all of this.

So there you were, in the midst of another sleepless night overthinking everything. Laptop opened, frantically searching on LinkedIn for jobs in the hopes that one thing just might work out. You read back your text messages from the past few days. Does he seem distant, or is my stupid brain playing tricks on me? As your spiral continued, you could feel a panic attack brewing. You tried your best to focus on your breathing but it became impossible. You just wanted to talk to Bucky. You needed to talk to Bucky. 

Fuck it, you thought. Losing him would be horrible, but so is living in this fear. Through your tears and shaking hands, you typed a message.

Y/N: Are you awake?

You shook your legs and bit your nails as you stared at the screen waiting for those three dots to show up.

Bucky: Yeah.

You took a deep breath as you sent the next message, trying to not go crazy over the dry single word he had responded with.

Y/N: Can I call you?

You desperately wished you could be with him right now to have this conversation. To analyze his body language in person. But you weren’t with him and you wouldn’t see him til the end of the week and you needed to get this out. Now.

Bucky: It’s late. I’m trying to get some sleep. 

You knew work had been kicking his ass lately. He was putting in insane hours, usually waking up at 6 and not finishing up til midnight. You knew he needed to rest and you almost responded back saying nevermind, and goodnight. But no. You needed to be a little selfish or you would crumble. Tonight felt like a turning point. Or a breaking point.

Y/N: Please Bucky. I really need to talk to you.

Bucky: Ok

Pressing dial on his name, you felt your heart rate increase even more. You tried to take deep breaths to calm your tears but it didn’t help. You were practically sobbing by the time he answered the call. “Bucky…” you said into the phone. 

At hearing your voice, Bucky was alert. He could tell that something was wrong. You had never cried in front of him. “Y/N? Baby, what's wrong? What's going on?” His desire for sleep was completely gone. All he cared about was you. He knew that he wasn’t the best boyfriend. He knew he could treat you better. But the years of trauma he had experienced made it hard for him to be vulnerable with anyone. He loved you so much that it hurt him and he hated himself that he couldn’t fully give himself to you. 

“Bucky, I’m not okay. I’m really really not okay,” you practically hyperventilated. “I don’t know what to do. I can’t keep living like this. I can’t.”

“Shhh, can you take some deep breaths for me?” He said calmly. “I need you to calm down and tell me what's going on.” He listened quietly as he heard you breathe deeply.

“Bucky, I’m terrified,” you finally spoke after a couple of minutes. “I don’t feel secure in our relationship. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells constantly because I’m petrified that you’re gonna leave. That one day you’re just gonna decide that you’re done with me because I’m too young and I live with my parents and I don’t have a job. And trying to find a job has really been taking a toll on me. I’m trying so fucking hard but it feels impossible. It’s so defeating waking up every single day to an email inbox full of rejections and I feel worthless and stupid. I’m not doing well not being in college anymore. I don’t have any structure to my days and life feels really fucking pointless right now. I’m so lonely. Fuck, I’m so lonely, Buck.” You took a pause, bracing yourself for his response. 

“Baby, why haven’t you brought this up sooner? Why haven’t you told me any of this?” There was genuine shock in his voice. 

“Because!” You cried. “I don’t want to remind you about how hard it is to find a job right now. I don’t want you to think about the fact that I live with my parents now while you have your own independent life. I never want to remind you of it because I don’t want you to change your mind and leave. And I don’t want you to think that you’re not enough for me because I’m lonely. I love you so much but I just… I really fucking miss my friends.” 

“Y/N, I need you to listen to me. Like, really listen to me. I am well aware of your situation. I know it’s hard to find a job right now. I’m not gonna leave you, okay? I’m committed to this. To you.”

You sniffled. “But you said that you wanted to be settled down. That we might have an expiration date.”

He sighed. “I’m sorry for that. I never should have said those things. When we had that conversation I was tired and not thinking clearly. And I spent that whole night wide awake thinking about how stupid I was and how stupid I would be to let you go because you need some time to find your footing after college. I hate that those words affected you so much. I’m so sorry.”

You talked to him for a while longer, pouring out all of your insecurities that you’d been holding back. After a while, the conversation started to shift to more normal things.

“Baby,” Bucky yawned. “I love you so much but I gotta go to bed. And tomorrow after work I’ll come see you, okay?”

“Okay. I love you too.”

Your worries wouldn’t fade overnight. You wouldn’t suddenly be able to get a job. Your friends wouldn’t all come back to you. College was over and life was drastically different. But at least now Bucky knew. And he wasn’t going to leave.

[wintersoldiersoul]

hey guys! i know i keep saying it but i really am gonna get some stuff up soon. i’ve been going through a really tough time these past few months but writing always makes me feel better so that’s what im gonna do❤️

[wintersoldiersoul]

hi everyone!! i have missed you all so much and im sorry for the inactivity. my year has been crazy but im ready to get back on here and continue to write for you guys. if anyone has any requests please send them my way!!

[wintersoldiersoul]

long time no post i’m so sorry :((

i have a story idea that i’m gonna try to get up later today/tomorrow

[wintersoldiersoul]

She's Here

Summary: When you lose one of the most important people in your life, Bucky is there to support you

TWS: Death of a loved one (best friend), suicide and depression, grief, angst, fluff, talk about what happens after death

You were at your happiest just sitting on the couch with Bucky. It was a rare occurrence that you both had free time like this so you took full advantage when you did. Your body rested against his with his arms wrapped around you, both of you focused on the movie playing on the tv screen. Bucky’s hand idly played with your hair, running the strands through his fingers in the most comforting way.

Suddenly, your phone rang, breaking you out of the peaceful trance you had been in. It was a random number, so you ignored it. But then it rang again. And again. You answered it, curiosity peaked at who was calling you so many times.

“Y/N?” A female voice said over the line. “It’s Y/B/F/N’s mom.” The woman was clearly crying.

Your heart rate picked up. Why was your best friend’s mother calling you at this hour on a friday night? “Is everything okay?” You said, panic rising in your own voice. Bucky’s eyes were fixed on you as you sat up, suddenly much more alert than you had been.

You went stone cold at the next words. She was dead. Your best friend in the entire world, was dead. She had killed herself. She had lost the battle with depression that you knew she had faced her entire life. 

You hung up the phone a moment later with shaking hands. You stared out into the vast openness off the room, not knowing what to do. 

“Baby?” Bucky whispered. He knew something was wrong.

“She’s dead.” Your voice was barely audible. You couldn’t believe you were saying the words out loud. Just hours ago you had spoken to your best friend on the phone, talking about her upcoming trip to visit you in New York. “Y/B/F/N is dead.” 

“What do you need?” Bucky asked immediately. He wanted to wrap you up and hold you but he also understood if you just needed space. He didn’t wanna startle you.

You looked up at him, mouth open, trying to find words. You had no idea what you needed at this moment.

Your body fell into him as the sobs started to wrack your body. He held you close, like he was afraid you might slip away. “I’m so so sorry,” he whispered.

Bucky was no stranger to losing people that he loved. Sure, it might not have been exactly the same. He had woken up from decades of brainwashing in a brand new world, a world where everyone he loved was dead. But still, he understood the feeling of grief.

He knew how close you and your best friend were. You had grown up together. Had done everything together. You never missed your weekly calls, even if you were busy. You always made the time because she was the most important person in your life, next to Bucky. Losing her was like losing half of yourself.

“I-I don’t know what to do!” You cried, struggling to breathe.

Bucky didn’t let go of you that night, carrying you to bed while you sobbed until he finally got you calm enough to sleep.

Three days later

You stared at your reflection in the mirror. This isn’t real, you thought as you smoothed the black dress on your body. This isn't real. She’s gonna call me any second. 

“Are you ready?” Bucky’s gentle voice said. He sounded so far away. Everything sounded, and felt so far away. This isn’t real. 

You sighed. “No. I don’t think there’s any way for me to be ready for this.”

“Today is gonna be hard, I’m not gonna lie.” He walked over to you, wrapping his arms around your frame from behind, just trying to give you comfort in any way. “But I’ll be there the whole time. I’ll be right next to you.”

You cried when you saw her parents. Her siblings. You cried again when the service started, but pulled yourself together before it was your turn to speak.

“Hi everyone,” you began, voice already shaking. “My name is Y/N. Y/B/F/N was my best friend in the entire world. She was my sister.” Your voice cracked as you spoke and you paused to collect yourself. “It’s impossible to put our friendship into words.” You couldn’t control it anymore as a sob rang out from the depths of your body. Bucky immediately rushed up, prepared to do whatever you needed to help you get through the speech. “I-I can’t,” you whispered so only he could hear it.

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” he said quietly. He unwrapped himself from you and took your place at the podium. “We became friends on the first day of kindergarten,” Bucky spoke, reading your words for you to the crowd. “The first thing she said to me was that my shoes were ugly and that we had to hang out so that she could pick out new ones for me.” 

You watched from the side as his steady voice recounted your relationship with your best friend. You wished you were stronger. That you could have read the words yourself. But at least Bucky was there to step in when you couldn’t. It was important to you that the things you had written were heard by everyone in that room.

Back at her mother’s house, after the service, you greeted person after person who gave their condolences. It felt like a broken record, sitting there, saying thank you to each and every person who walked through the door. You were exhausted.

“We can go home, baby,” Bucky said, noticing the sad, empty look in your eyes.

You nodded in agreement, suddenly unable to bear another moment of the current setting you were in. 

“I could have done more.” Those were the first words you said when you and Bucky walked into the threshold of your home. “I could have helped her! I could have saved her!”

“Oh angel…” He hugged you, rubbing a comforting hand up and down your back. “You were always there for her. Every single day. You never missed a phone call, never left a text unanswered. She was your world. And she knew that. Trust me, she knew.”

“But what if there was something else I could have done?” You raised your voice, the anger stage of grief beginning to hit. “I should have noticed she wasn’t okay! I- I thought she was better! I thought she was doing better but she wasn’t and I should have known!”

Bucky’s eyes were full of pain. His heart was shattered into so many pieces on your behalf. “Listen to me. You did everything that you could. This is not your fault.”

“I just…” your voice trailed off. “I should have known,” you finished, quietly. “I wish I could tell her how much I love her just one more time. I need her to know.” Hot tears burned down your face.

“She knows. Somewhere, somehow, she knows. She will always know.” 

Later that night, you and Bucky laid in bed. “What do you believe in, when it comes to death?” you asked.

“Honestly? I have no idea,” he said. “I don’t know if I believe in heaven and hell in a traditional sense. But since I don’t know, I chose to believe whatever brings me comfort. I think that people who pass are watching over us, somehow. I like to believe that they can see us and hear us. And that they show themselves to us through the little things. Like a breeze blowing when you think of them. Or even a dream. I think that the dead have their ways of communicating with us.” He stroked your hair as he spoke.

“I like that,” you replied. “I’ve never really known what to believe either. I guess I’ve never really believed in anything. But you’re right. If we don’t know what actually happens, we have to believe in whatever gives comfort.”

“She’s here with you, baby. Somehow, she’s here. And she knows how much you love and miss her.”

You curled up against him. “I don’t know how to live without her,” you said, another round of tears spilling.

“She’s with you, honey. She is.” 

A week later, you and Bucky were on a walk. He tried to get you out of the house as much as possible, terrified that your grief would overtake you and pull you into a darkness that you’d never climb out of. 

“Tell me a story about her,” he said, his hand clutching yours.

“She loved rain,” you laughed lightly. “She was always forcing me to go outside in the rain with her. I don’t know why. But I can’t even tell you how many times we just ran around, getting soaked until we both ended up with colds.”

Bucky smiled at you as you spoke, telling him stories about you and your best friend and how you would stay outside for hours getting drenched.

As you continued, the sky turned gray. Thick, heavy raindrops pounded on the pavement.

“See that?” Bucky said. “She’s here with you. She’ll always be here.”

[wintersoldiersoul]

sebastian what the fuck 😭😭

[wintersoldiersoul]

ugh i wanna write for u guys so much but i’m so uninspired 😭 im sorry for the inactivity

[wintersoldiersoul]

the worst feeling that someone can give you is that you’re not enough. i hate that i let people’s actions affect my own opinion of myself

sorry i’m in my feels rn love u all 💜

[wintersoldiersoul]

Headcannons for when you have a bad day

- he notices immediately when you’re in a bad mood

- he sits down next to you and kisses your forehead and hugs you tightly

- asking things like “what’s wrong, my darling?” and “why are you sad, baby girl?”

- listening intently while you tell him so that he can figure out how to make you feel better

- he cooks your favorite meal for dinner (or gets takeout. whatever you want)

- he puts on your comfort show for you while you eat so that you can just relax and distract yourself from whatever upset you

- he’ll give you a long massage, taking his time to work the tension out of your neck and back

- “i’ll be right back,” he tells you with a kiss before disappearing into another room

- a few minutes later he comes back and leads you to the bathroom where he’s run you a bath with rose petals and lit candles

- “do you want me to leave you alone or should i join?”

- of course you want him to join

- when you get out he brings you one of his sweatshirts and your favorite pair of pajama pants

- he brings you a glass of wine (or whatever your fave drink is)

- bucky just wants to spoil you and make you forget about everything that’s upsetting you

- he’s constantly giving you kisses and stroking your arms

- he hates seeing you sad more than anything in the world

- he holds you so close you him when you eventually go to bed, whispering over and over how much he loves you

- even if your day was bad because of something small, he’ll still do everything he can to make you happy

[wintersoldiersoul]

A/N: here’s something short because I was bored and work and wrote this and wanted to get something up for you guys ❤️

TW: depression, eating disorder, weight loss

Your eyes didn’t stray from the tv when the door opened. You sat staring ahead like a zombie, a shell of the vibrant girl you once were.

Bucky paused, watching you from afar. He was no stranger to your depression. He had held you through so many bad days and nights, watched over you to make sure you took your meds, driven you to therapy. But this was different. He had never seen you like this. So catatonic. So numb for so many days on end.

He was terrified. He could tell that you had lost weight when he saw the way your collarbones were sharpened beneath your skin. But he didn’t know just how bad it truly was.

It had started a few weeks ago when one bad day turned into two and three and four. The worst part was that you weren’t talking to him like you usually would. You weren’t telling him about the pain. You didn’t cry in his arms. You were just numb.

“Baby?” His voice was quiet as to not startle you.

“Hm?” Your eyes still didn’t leave the tv. You weren’t even really watching it, just using the screen as a focal point for your tired eyes.

Bucky sat down next to you and put an arm on your shoulder. He was so desperate to reach out and hold you but you wouldn’t let him. The most you would allow was a hand on your shoulder or for him to lock his fingers with yours. “Please,” he pleaded. “Just let me hold you. Let me be there for you. Talk to me.” His voice was dripping with desperation.

You looked up at him, making true eye contact for the first time in what felt like a lifetime. All at once it was like you couldn’t take it anymore. Truly looking into the blues of his eyes broke you. A sob left your body as you let your exhausted frame fall into him.

His arms immediately wrapped around you, pulling your body as close as possible. “Holy shit,” he gasped as he felt you. You were so small. So much smaller than he remembered. He could feel your ribs through the thin t-shirt that you had on. Your wrists felt so delicate, like if he held your hand too tight, they would break. “Oh, my love,” he whispered, trying to desperately keep his composure. “What happened?” He whispered.

“I-i just…” you gasped for air, trying to control your sobs so that you could speak. “I don’t know how it got this bad.”

“Can you take some deep breaths for me?” He rubbed your arms up and down reassuringly. “Breathe with me, okay?” He took deep breaths and you tried your hardest to match them. “Honey…” he said, after you had steadied your breathing. “You’re so skinny.”

You sniffled and looked away, feeling ashamed. You hadn’t stopped eating on purpose. The depression caused you to lose your appetite and eventually you had gotten used to running on basically no food. You didn’t necessarily do it to be thin, but more so to have just one thing that you could control.

“I didn’t mean for it to get this bad.” The words came out so quiet. “I just wanted to have control over one thing. Everything else just feels so chaotic and hectic and I just needed something.”

It was as if Bucky could physically feel his heart breaking at your words. You were his angel and seeing you in this much pain hurt him beyond belief. The man had been tortured for decades, thrown from fight to fight against his will and still, he swore he’d never been in as much pain as he was seeing you like this.

“Baby girl, I feel like i’m gonna break you if I touch you. Please eat something. Please.”

You stared down at your hands, playing with a thread on your sweatshirt.

“Please,” he begged again. He had never sounded so desperate in his entire life. “It can be something small but I’m so fucking worried about you right now. It’s like you’re disappearing right in front of me.”

You looked into his eyes once again. “Something small,” you practically whispered.

“Thank you,” he said, kissing you on the forehead. “Thank you.”

[wintersoldiersoul]

guys i’m so sorry for the lack of posts im actually happy for once and apparently i can only write when im sad… don’t worry im sure i will be sad again by tomorrow ❤️

[wintersoldiersoul]

sorry for the lack of posts i spent my weekend with an actual real life man??? crazy. anyways gonna get some stuff up this week

[wintersoldiersoul]

Slowly

A/N: I think this might be the beginning of a little series.. let me know if you guys would want more of this! Also, this story mentions a past sexual assault of the reader (not in detail) but I just want you guys to know that if you ever need a safe space, my DMs are always open. It's something I've experienced and the experiences that the reader has had are very similar to my own. Please reach out if you ever need anything <3

Warnings: mention of a past sexual assalult, angst, fluff

“Y/N is going on a daaateee!” Wanda sang, running into the living room, you and Natasha following behind. 

Her statement turned the attention of Steve, Sam, and Bucky who were sitting on the couch. “A date, huh?” Steve asked. “With who?”

You laughed awkwardly. “Just a guy I met at the bar,” you shrugged. When your random bar makeout from last week had invited you to dinner, you didn’t wanna say yes. But with a little bit of peer pressure from the two women standing with you, you had reluctantly agreed.

Your eyes were on Bucky, whose eyes were on his phone. Why would you expect him to care that you were going on a date? Your feelings for him clearly weren’t reciprocated and you needed to move on. It was never going to happen.

The three of you moved to the living room to sit with the guys as you began to be bombarded with questions and comments. You swore that sometimes the adult superheros acted like middle schoolers, cheering like children when someone had any sort of development in their love life.

“So are you finally gonna have sex with someone?” Sam teased. You weren’t a virgin by any means, but it had been a while. A fact that the team loved to tease you about whenever you were stressed.

“No,” you said, simply not in the mood to be interrogated about your love life. “I don’t even know if I like him. We just kissed in a bar.”

“You’re gonna fall in love, and get married and have so many kids together,” Sam continued, his tone full of mockery. 

You weren’t necessarily embarrassed about your sex life. You didn’t care that it had been a while since you’d been with someone. It wasn’t like you hadn’t had the opportunity. It was just hard for you to trust. Ever since you had been assaulted, you didn’t wanna have sex with a stranger. You never told the team about the assault, not wanting to face the sympathetic looks. It wasn’t like they could do anything about it anyways. 

“That’s not gonna happen,” you said monotonously.

“Y/N, you’re gonna bang him and then be so happy and uplifted. Maybe you’ll actually get some sleep at night,” Steve joined in.

“Guys, seriously, stop.” You tried to prevent yourself from getting annoyed to the point of anger, but they were pushing your buttons. Even if they didn’t know the full reason you didn’t wanna talk about it, you were telling them to stop and that should have been enough. It was clear you didn’t wanna talk about this and that you didn’t even wanna go on the date at all but they just couldn’t help themselves from joking like a bunch of teenagers.

“We’re just so happy for you and all of the sex you’re gonna be having!” Sam said.

That’s when Bucky turned his head. “Guys, she said she doesn’t wanna talk about it, okay?”

Your heart fluttered when he defended you. You had tried your best to control your feelings for Bucky but the organ in your chest betrayed you. Every day you fell a little bit more in love with him. You just couldn’t help yourself. What had started as a harmless crush had turned into a gut-wrenching unrequited love story that tore you apart every time you saw or spoke to him.

“Let us celebrate!” Sam said. “Y/N’s gonna get fucked!”

You stood up quickly and walked away, anger reverberating in every step you took back to your room. You didn’t even wanna go on this stupid date and you sure as hell didn’t wanna have sex with a stranger. You wished you could do it. You wished you could have your mind and confidence back, the way you did before the assault. But it had ruined your trust. The one time you tried to have sex with a stranger ended in a panic attack and you getting out of his apartment as quickly as possible.

“Assholes,” Bucky muttered, standing up to follow you and make sure you were okay. He reached your door a second after you, stopping the door as you tried to close it. “You okay?”

“Yup.”

He followed you and sat next to you on the bed when you did the same. “Just ignore them. They think they’re funny,” he laughed.

You gave him a closed-mouth smile. “I just wish they’d actually stop when I tell them to, you know? I know they don’t mean to hurt me and it’s not like they know…” you trailed off before you said too much.

“What?” Bucky asked.

“Nothing, nothing. It doesn’t matter.”

But Bucky could read you like a book. Despite your feelings that he’d never like you back, he did. In fact, he loved you as much as you loved him, which led him to usually being quiet and reserved in your presence. He always had his eyes on you when you weren’t looking, silently wishing he could just work up the courage to ask you out. “Something’s bothering you, I can tell,” he said.

“And how would you know?” You said, raising an eyebrow.

“Because I know you. Better than you think I do.” 

His words rendered you speechless as you stared into his eyes. God, what was it about this man that just made you want to open up? “I…” you hesitated. You had been holding this secret for so long, you didn’t know how it would feel to share it. “I was sexually assaulted last year. I’ve tried to have sex since but it ended badly,” you took a deep breath. You were not going to cry in front of him. “I think it messed me up more than I thought it did. I feel… broken, I guess? Like, it feels like everyone else in the world can have a one night stand no problem but for me, I just can’t. And it makes me feel bad about myself.”

Bucky stared at you as you spoke. “Y/N, you are not broken,” he said with conviction. “You went through something traumatic. It makes complete sense that it’s hard for you.” He stared so deep into your eyes.

“Thanks,” you said, honestly just wanting to move past the conversation. “It’s fine. I just wasn’t in the mood for jokes.”

He lifted his hand up, brushing your hair behind your ear. Your heart pounded in your chest. “It’s not fine, though. Have you told anyone else? You shouldn’t deal with that alone.”

You sighed. Maybe he was right, but still you couldn’t find the energy to have that conversation right now. “Why do you even care, Bucky?”

“Because I’m in love with you, goddamn it!” 

You were speechless. This had to be some kind of joke. He had figured out your little crush and just wanted to fuck with you. Make a fool out of you. “Don’t be mean, Bucky.”

“Mean?” He said. “Why do you think I never talk to you? You make me so nervous I never know what to say. I have to stop myself from blurting out how fucking beautiful you are. God, when I’m around you it’s like… I feel like myself again.” The look in his blue eyes told you that he was telling the truth.

“Bucky, I.. I love you too. I have for a while.”

His breathing sped up as his hand remained on your face. “Can I kiss you?”

“Yes.”

His lips were on yours in an instant. His tongue made his way into your mouth, kissing you feverishly. You were both desperate for each other, desperate for the love and affection that had been missing from your lives. 

“W-wait,” he said, removing his lips from yours. “I don’t want to do anything you’re not comfortable with. I mean, you just told me you were sexually assaulted. I don’t wanna rush you into anything. I think we should just take this slow.” 

You nearly cried but stopped yourself. How was this real? How was it possible that the man you had been secretly loving for so long actually felt the same? And how was it possible that he was so respectful? So caring?

“T-thank you. I really needed to hear that, Buck.”

He smiled. “I want you to trust me, fully. If we’re gonna do this… if you want to, that is, we’re gonna do this right. We’re gonna go to dinner and I’m gonna spoil you like you deserve. And we’re gonna take everything at your pace, okay?”

“I-I don’t wanna disappoint you, Bucky. It might take me a while to be…fully comfortable.”

He grabbed your face in both of his hands. “Listen to me. You could never disappoint me. Get that thought out of your head.”

You bit your lip and nodded.

“Now do me a favor,” he whispered. “Cancel that damn date.”

[wintersoldiersoul]

i miss seb so much i need just a little crumb i don’t care how blurry the pic is i don’t care if he’s wearing The Blue Pants™️i just need SOMETHING

[wintersoldiersoul]

reblogging cause this got no views and i’m proud of it

I just realised you already have a post similar to my previous ask so maybe could you write something where Bucky noticed reader was struggling with self harm a while ago and thought she was better but she isn’t and he helps her 🥺

TW: self-harm, blood, depression, please do not read if any of these things will upset you. Love you all and reach out to someone if you need to <3

You didn’t know what had happened. You couldn’t even remember how you had ended up where you were. One second you were crying in bed and suddenly you were on the bathroom floor, blade in your hand and covered in fresh cuts. 

It had been so long. You were doing so well, about a week away from being 2 years clean. You tried so hard to prevent it from happening but Bucky being gone made it so much harder. When you had first told him about your self-harm and depression, he had sat down with you and made a “safety-plan”.

“If you feel like you’re gonna hurt yourself, the first step is find me, okay?” He had spoken sternly. “If I’m not here, you call. And if I don’t answer on the first try, you keep calling. Second step is to distract yourself. Go on a walk, bake something, it doesn't matter. Just don’t let yourself sit in the dark thoughts.” As he spoke, he wrote everything down on a piece of paper. “And listen,” he grabbed your hands and looked into your eyes. “If I don’t answer, for some reason, you call someone else. You call Natasha or Tony or any other person in your life. You cannot let yourself be alone when you feel this way.” You nodded, fully planning on doing just that if the time ever came. But when you woke up this morning filled with a primal need to hurt yourself, you didn’t even remember the plan.

It was like nothing mattered except for feeling the blade against your skin and watching the blood pour out. The emotional pain that you were in needed to escape. You needed to feel it in a physical capacity. So you didn’t call Bucky. Because you knew he’d stop you. And you didn’t wanna be stopped. 

You regretted it the second you made the first cut. All of that progress you had made, gone within the blink of an eye. You’d have to remember to erase the day marking your 2 years clean on your calendar. The shame you felt didn’t stop you though. It just made you want to hurt yourself more. You were ashamed and felt like a failure. You cried as you dragged the blade over your wrists, mumbling to yourself how stupid and worthless you were. How you always let everyone down. 

You dissociated as you cut, robotically moving to your thighs once you ran out of space on your arms. You couldn’t stop, even as you grew dizzy from the blood loss. Your head was pounding from it and the dehydration caused by your tears but you couldn’t bring yourself to get up off the floor. Eventually, you put the blade down but you continued crying, the crimson of your blood staining the white-tile floor.

You didn’t hear the front door open. Didn’t hear Bucky calling out for you, home from the mission. His heart sped up as he walked further into the house, hearing your broken sobs coming from the bathroom. “Y/N? Sweetheart?” He called, getting closer. He didn’t wanna frighten you but his gut told him that something was incredibly wrong. He knocked on the door, but you didn’t register it. There was no time for you to even attempt to cover up what you had done, plus you knew he’d find out eventually. Bucky’s favorite thing to do when he got home from a mission was to rip your clothes off.

His heart stopped when he opened the door. There you were, hugging your knees to your chest, crying hysterically and bleeding out. There was so much blood coming from your arms and your thighs. “Oh my god,” was all he could say as he rushed over to you. “Oh my god, oh my god,” he kept repeating, trying to assess the damage you had done to yourself. “Baby, can you hear me? It’s me, it’s Bucky,” he said, trying to get you to calm down and talk to him. You were still in your own little world as you cried. 

“I’m sorry,” you cried, fully realizing that he was there. He grabbed you and hugged you tightly and you could feel his body shaking as he did. “I’m so sorry,” you sobbed into his chest.

“Baby, we gotta stop this bleeding or I’m gonna have to take you to the hospital.” He wanted to talk this out with you, to comfort you, but right now, you were bleeding out in his arms. “Can I move you? I’m just gonna sit you up on the sink, okay?” You nodded and he gingerly moved your body so that you were perched on the sink, back against the mirror as it was hard to hold yourself up. He created makeshift tourniquets, a skill that he still had from the war, and wrapped them around your arms and legs. “Oh my god,” he said, once again.

You looked up at him with wide eyes. “I got blood on your shirt…” you whispered quietly.

“It doesn’t matter, don’t worry about it.” He assured you, cupping your face in his hands. “I gotta clean these cuts, I’m sorry,” he said, removing the tourniquets once the bleeding had mostly stopped. You winced as he dabbed at your skin, the sting from the contact immediate. “I know, sweetie, I know, I’m sorry,” he repeated words of encouragement to you. “Just breathe, please. Take a deep breath. It’s almost over.” He took his time in ensuring everything was clean and that the bleeding was stopped before he applied bandaids. “What did you do, baby?” He looked up at you with sadness in his blue eyes. “You-you’re covered,” he said, voice dropping to a whisper as tears started falling down his face.

You looked down, too ashamed to look him in the eyes. “I don’t know what happened… I just woke up today and it just hurt so much and I just… I don’t know. I couldn’t stop myself.”

“Why didn’t you call me? What about your plan, remember?” 

“I knew you’d stop me…” Your voice held so much shame.

“You’re damn right I would have!” His voice grew loud, but he wasn’t yelling at you. He knew you couldn’t help the mental illness you struggled with. And he saw how hard you fought every single day. Even though you had slipped up, he was still so incredibly proud of the time you had spent clean and he would dedicate every second to helping you get back on track. As long as you were willing to try, how could he be mad at you? “I’m not angry at you, I’m just… oh god, I’m terrified. I’d be worried no matter what if you relapsed but baby, you did some serious damage.” 

“I know,” you said. “I’m so angry at myself. I was a week away from 2 years. And I fucked it all up!”

He tilted your chin up so that you were looking at him. “Do you wanna stay clean again? Do you wanna get back on track?” You nodded. “Then you didn’t fuck anything up, okay? You’re human and you struggle. That's normal and okay. Of course I wish you didn’t do this. I hate seeing you in pain more than anything in this entire world. But baby, don’t be angry with yourself. Use that emotion as motivation to continue getting better. Please don’t let this send you spiraling back down into a place that’s gonna be even harder to get out of.”

You wiped some tears off of your face. “It’s so hard being alive, Bucky. Even on the good days, the depression is always there in the back of my mind. Even when I’m happy, it’s like I’m never really happy. Maybe true happiness just isn’t in the cards for me. I just wanna end it.”

“Honey…” your words broke his heart. You could see it on his face. “I know how hard it is and how much you struggle. You have no idea how badly I wish I could take away all of your pain. Seeing you like this… god, it breaks me apart. I’m so scared for you. I’m so worried about you,” his body was still shaking slightly. “But you deserve happiness. You deserve it more than anyone. You have such a beautiful soul and you inspire me every single day that you get up and live your life even though you struggle. Happiness is in the cards for you. I know that because I will spend every waking minute of the rest of my life trying to make you happy.” He brushed your hair behind your ears. “I love you so much. Please don’t leave me here alone. I-” he took a deep breath, trying to hold back tears but failed as they slipped out anyway. “I can’t do this without you. I can’t be in this world without you.” 

He pulled you into a tight hug, resting your head on his chest. The two of you stayed like that, both crying against each other’s bodies. It was heartbreaking, the way your sadness broke him, too, like you were one soul sharing two bodies.

“Let’s get you into some clean clothes, okay? You’ll feel better.” Your shorts and shirt were both stained with red. He helped you change into a pair of clean pants and a sweatshirt, being extra careful as he noticed your grimaces of pain each time the material touched your skin. You both got into bed, exhausted from the intense emotional turmoil that the night had stained you with. 

The two of you lay on your sides facing each other. Bucky wordlessly stroked your hair, looking deep into your eyes. “I’m never gonna abandon you. No matter how many times you slip up. I’m not going anywhere.” He kissed your forehead before pulling you into a tight hug. “Never.”