#every therapist ive had never seemed to like. get what i mean when id try to explain it n idk maybe thats me

[shoezuki]

I really wanna hit up another counselor/therapist but I'm broke n the last time I hit up a counselor at my university he basically like. Any time I'd try to talk about my difficulties w talkin to people and the fact there's 'ways' to talk to ppl I don't know and all that crap he kept jus going 'you're not weird tho/other ppl have social anxiety too' so I don't have high hopes for that rn

[penumbrialhexandroga]

I put this in a discord chat im in but i wanted to put it here too. Today i got diagnosed by my therapist with c-ptsd.

Hhhh today is a day of surthriving. Had therapy this morning and was rough, but i was able to communicate some of my frustrations well. Got some clarification on stuff. Like he said forget about any of the schizophrenia stuff, i dont have it, so thats a relief. He said for a clinical dx i do have CPTSD. And that my episode that id had before when i started seeing him was a dissocaitive episode. So it was nice to get clarification on that i was thinking it was like a psychotic or manic or something but dissociative makes sense with what all went on. Ugh gah but then talked with a real young part and stuff coming up and just ugh fuck i hate. People. Just very heavy. Having things validated. But im so grateful for the coping mechanisms ive developed. Hhhhhhh fuck its just hard. Heavy heavy heavy. Just trying so hard to keep every thing contained so i can get through work. Thank god for Work Mode 🙏. Id been dxed with ptsd already but i did suspect it was cptsd but man having that validated by a therapist ugh i just feel like ive been taking punches and punching brick walls >.< idk i just wanted to express this all somewhere. "Put it out there"

Thats what i put in the chat earlier.

Idk i wanted to write about it i guess. He was saying too how like a diagnosis yknow its fluid it can change. Which im fully on board with i know it can only really be a snapshot of your current whatever experiences. But one thing i really appreciate about getting that dx and that validation and assurance is that it supplies me the language to tell my story. I realized that that was one issue that i had with how generally non-pathologizing my therapist is. Its also something i appreciate about him though, but i just felt like i couldnt really. Like not even tell my story but know my story. I felt lost and confused and uncertain about what my experience was and how i fit in with the world and people around me.

Who really am i? What defines me as an individual? It helps me answer these questions more fully. Not to say my diagnoses are all that i am or can capture the complexity of me as a being.

Its incredibly validating to do this work. I feel alive and autonomous in a way i never really have before. Some of the parts i work with are so so young. If i wasnt doing this work with a therapist i dont think i would really be able to do it. So im very grateful for my circumstances that allow me that. Although i can tell my therapist wants to do more frequent sessions, but it is expensive and insurance sucks so. Idk. Is what it is.

Ugh but this work also fucking sucks and makes things so so hard. But i know im better for it. Gahhahahshbsgdgdgdhd.

Oh man im also really glad too he labeled what that episode was. I was thinking it was a psychotic or manic and maybe i had bipolar, bc some of my family has been dxed with that. But no he said it was CPTSD. and a dissociative episode. Which man even just writing that out again its just. I cant even really identify how it makes me feel its just this kinda hmmm pressure?? Electrical flux? Along the back of my head.

Im grateful for being able to communicate better with my parts too. I was able to get across some things today that i havent been able to for a while and im glad things went well, even if it got tough. Really friggin tough. I know im moving in the right direction.

Id already been diagnosed with ptsd but that was through my psych who specialized in autism and idk it didnt really sink in. Its different now getting diagnosed by someone who knows me very well, ive been seeing him for like over two years now, so i have a lot of trust in his oppinion. But gosh so many raw nerves. Plus its c -ptsd which like, doesnt mean its worse than ptsd or anything lol some people seem to think that but thats more what i was suspecting. It just made more sense to me than standard ptsd with all the dissociation. But i feel really validated and seen and heard and hmm self assured even! Which is so rare for me. I feel like there was a lot of movement and change today. So this post is really just to commemorate it all. Getting diagnosed with cptsd tho, for me its very different than it was getting diagnosed with autism. Maybe thats because of meeting with that part right after tho :/

[expatesque]

i have been in love with one of my best friends for years. at first we had an arrangement of sorts (i wasnt sure about it and didnt want to make it steady for fear of breaking up and end our friendship after a short while), but after years he broke it off because he couldnt stand it anymore. months later he started going out with someone and I told him i'd get some time away to get over it. ive been ghosting him for 5 years now (he still tries to reach out to me from time to time) and still i cant get over it. i think about him every day, and all the dreams i remember ever since i last saw him have been about him, and feel like nightmares until i wake up when they become dreams just by the sweetness of seeing him again. i dont know what to do at this point. im unable to date other people because im utterly uninterested in anyone other than him, i never come close to enjoying myself as much as i did with him (he was one of my best friends after all). ive also made other friendships ever since but never developed any romantic or sexual interest in them. its not that i want or need that, i dont care, but i do want to get rid of him. i dont even have hopes on ever being okay to befriend him again as much as i miss him as such. at this point id be content just getting rid of this want for him, of the dreams and the daily thoughts, and the ghost of him watching me from every corner of any place in which we were together or that i think hed love or hate or have something to say about. what would you do? i know ghost him is your go to advice, but ive done that. a friend told me that maybe seeing or talking with him again could help me get closure but i fear it will make things worse and will make the process start anew. im bad now, but the first couple of years were unbearable

Oh man okay. This does sound like a fairly unusual case where team dead exes might be less relevant. So here, I might try to focus on why you're so hung up on him. Especially because it sounds like you're the one that was afraid to commit.

To start: I can never really get on board with the 'afraid of losing our friendship' line of thought for why you wouldn't date someone. I mean, you lost the friendship anyway, and I feel that's usually what happens. So maybe begin with that: were you really scared of losing the relationship or was there something else? Were you not ready for a relationship? Or was it not right with him? I would start by doing a very serious post mortem on the relationship, including looking unflinchingly at how you acted and what you could have done better. Hopefully spending some time analysing the relationship and learning lessons will help you get closure.

Then, once you've done that, consider what you need to move on. Maybe it's seeing him and hearing him talk about his new love. Maybe it's going on a crazy girls weekend and hooking up with a rando. Maybe both, maybe neither, only you can tell. But fundamentally, it sounds like you're aware this isn't going to work out so you need to do what you can to move on. And if you try a few things and nothing's helped, this might be a case for talking to a professional. I know, a break up years ago might seem like a trivial reason to see a therapist but clearly it's still affecting your life, so might be worth having someone help you work through why that is.

+ talk to me

[axel-mania]

yesterday was the first time i met someone with ehlers-danlos. i was seeing her because she is a physical therapist with the disease i may have, and i hoped she could tell me whether my current pt is killing me with his treatment. and, you know, what she had done to be a working adult rather than someone frequently bedridden. it was a tiny office. i felt small, trapped, staring down at the intake paperwork, over a hundred questions and longer than any ive done before. i was so scared i wouldnt be able to get through that part and still have the scheduled meeting. but i guess she cared about seeing me, because even though other patients were asking for her help she still took the time to talk to me. 

so you write down all your pain, put down numbers that dont really convey anything about it, just trying to say that youre suffering and it should matter enough that something is done about it. i feel like im lying if i use all tens, but that means they might not take me seriously. on the flip side, im still walking and talking, no matter how feebly, so they might think im exaggerating it. my first adults' doctor told me id just have to learn to live with all this. but maybe this person understands. maybe shell care. 

youre just a six on the hypermobility scale. its eight to tens when we start to see the really bad conditions like ehlers-danlos. thats what the rheumatologist i was referred to said. but this physical therapist wasnt very flexible and shed been diagnosed. so she ended up completely redoing my evaluation. when i could bring myself to string more than a few words together to tell her, that is. i always feel stupid during these kinds of things. even if i record my pain, i dont have the right words to describe whats happening. i cant definitively answer all their questions, just give guesses. but she could see inflamed joints, out of place tendons, pops that i couldnt even hear. so i ended up meeting the criteria. it almost means nothing. 

i dont have an official diagnosis, which is almost impossible to gain, so i cant get benefits. well, i can at least pursue treatment, right? not really. she shot down the pain management options i had learned from the patient community, and said most people who felt worse in physical therapy were looking for someone to blame. shes the success case, and she presides over many more patients than me. so what could i do but accept it? 

theres only hard work. work you literally cant do if youre in enough pain. physically, im lucky. compared to others, my body has only broken down a little, so i can still do regular exercise. at the same time, no matter how hard i try, it will break down more. its a race alongside time. you can only get so much better as your body naturally gets worse. teaching your joints to stay in place doesnt mean making your body into a different one. 

youre never going to exist without pain every day. really sit with that for a second. you have to mentally say, im okay with this hard exertion every day, and im okay with it leading to only marginal and very long term benefits. i choose life no matter the consequences. 

and i cant choose that, not right now. not when i have questionable friends online and absolutely no one in real life. not when im living with my transphobic parents and am going to struggle to find any employment that can accommodate my disability. theres just really no reason. the one person who was dependent on me no longer is. i dont believe in life as an abstract good. so really, this seems to be a sign to kill myself.

whats going to happen isnt me dramatically and immediately hanging myself while my parents are asleep. its going to be a slow starvation. i repeatedly refuse to choose between life and death, fail to consistently do the exercise, and suffer more until its too much. this isnt exactly a cry for anyone to try talking me down. ive long since decided not to do that for others anymore, and i dont want it for me either. but it is sort of an open question... why are some people so happy to choose a miserable life? what do they have that i dont? maybe its a circular problem. im bitter because people arent caring for me enough, and people dont want to care for me because im bitter. 

[madeintimeland]

im oversharing this got long sorry. just reminscing on shit ive thought about a million times over again

theres so much art i want to create and so little motivation. i should start smoking weed again bc every time im high i get my best ideas or at least like, it takes away the layer of film over my brain that stops me from being able to come up with creative ideas, but also im scared its going to send me into mental hell again. like i need to be in a perfect state for it lest i fear im going to invoke my months long existential crisis again and i Cannot be doing that shit rn. but also i wonder if its going to be worth it anyways if i can create something to leave on this earth again. like ive been so bad at creativity lately like i want to draw and produce things and im bubbling over with energy and i feel the ideas fermenting in the deep recesses of my brain like theyre nestled into the grooves and folds but i cant access them yet. and i know i can if im stoned. i might turn into a hermit hunched over my tablet all hours of the day just making shit tbh. i absorb so much of the things around me and i know if i try to make something now its going to basically be direct copies of the things i saw but if im high im sure i can actually create something new and beautiful. im scared of being intoxicated again but i was scared to drink again too and i got drunk and proceeded to love it and want to drink every single day because surprise surprise i have alcoholism coded into my dna and consequentially have an addictive personality in general. which is why i felt like my life was useless without weed. all up until i was finally able to get my hands on a stash that would let me smoke whenever i want versus when i would get a small amount every couple of months and completely and utterly fail at ratioing it out and binge it all and then have ridiculously introspective trips where id start to go a little crazy at the end (i have a distinct memory of looking at a meme that had a woman on it and thinking ‘jesus christ... what the fuck is that’ and then spiraled into thinking about how life is pointless but i didnt have enough weed to continue with that train of thought and if i did i may have had my crisis a lot earlier, it was just inevitable) i just felt like being high was the only time i could actually get in touch with my inner self again. like i used to before the thick clouds of depression and psychosis settled in. but then i finally was able to get high for longer than short bursts of time and it all came to a head where my brain broke and i have existential terror now that i feel im going to not be able to deal with confronting again. but every time i say that it never ends up staying permanently, it comes in waves, it all comes in waves. back and forth. i feel beauty in life and then i feel fear. i feel like its all worth it and then i cant stop thinking about the inevitable heat death of the universe and the pointlessness of it all. and then i get a hug or listen to a really good song and i feel like its worth it again. i wonder if this is just a period in my life im not a total stoner or if its actually permanent. anyways point is i want to make so much stuff that my hands ache and my brain rots when i think about how many things inspire me. thats why my aesthetic tag is #inspiration, its been like that for many years now, its stuff that inspires me. but at what point am i going to turn that inspiration into reality? im bad at initiative. my initiative is going to be when i pick up the pot again because im too lethargic and procrastinatey to create the things i want any other time. but when will that be? i cant see a therapist or anything rn and working it out on my own has been mildly successful, not bad, im not spending every single day in terror like i was at this point last year. it started all going away around august after starting in march. march 30th in fact. from then on its been a constant battle with dissociation. funny because just earlier in march was some of the best experiences of my life. i think if lockdown never happened this never would have happened either but at the same time im left wondering how anybody can go through their life without wondering about the meaning of it all and coming out the other side with purpose and resolve. mine was to enjoy myself and find as much beauty and love in life as i can before i die and enhance the lives of the people around me while i can because i feel too small to do anything on a grander scale. and im fine with that, for the most part, but i still get attacked by these waves of thought where i wonder what the purpose of reality is . i always have to smack myself and remind myself no dumbass you already went over this a million times, just enjoy yousrelf while youre here. but when im high its a million times worse cuz the only time i can get my mind off it is when im replacing it with horny thoughts and thats not the only thing i wanna do when im high ofc i want to experience and create and listen to music. but i mean i havent smoked since june. i think the 15th ? i could go back and read my journals to tell exactly when it was but yeah its been almost a year now and i feel like i might have it in me again. i used to love getting high and working on shit so much. some of my best works and most  creative projects and honestly just most enjoyable periods of my life were when i was high. going back to what i was saying about early march 2020 being the best time of my life, idk what it was about me but i was just having a grand old time experiencing absolute beauty playing ark with my friends, feeling so creative and developing new ideas and experiences, and using the freedom and motivation i felt ingame to also want to explore the world irl. i seriously was close to actually finally reading my survival manual and start camping and shit and i wanted to visit my relatives in their hella secluded farmhouse in the middle of fuck nowhere kansas, cuz i did visit there during that time period and i loved it to death, i felt so free. two different relatives actually and they both had that same aesthetic about them. of course they were horribly racist but i mean, thats rural kansas for you. i just wanted to camp in their woods. its funny because that month was simultaneously the best and worst of my life. all because of weed! if i never started smoking or rather never found a reliable source at that point in my life i wonder how i wouldve turned out? id like to chalk this up to fate that im like this, maybe its for the best, maybe smoking again wont help me but maybe it will. i have a way to ease myself back into it i just need that leap of faith and  bravery like i felt when i was drinking again. its funny because i used to be such a fucking druggie and i wanted to get high all the time and then after my existential crisis that all just. stopped. i feell ike everyone i know is sick of me talking about it but it really fundamentally changed me on the inside even if it doesnt seem like it much on the outside so i feel its right of me to talk about it sometimes. it makes me feel better at least. like this is jsut a thing t hat happened, not a fated break from the universe i cant come back from yknow? i dunno. ive rambled on way too fucking long and idk if anyones gonna read this. tldr i want to draw and create so many things and i have too many ideas to deal with but i only feel ill be able to unlock my creativity and motivation if im high but due to bad past experiences im terrified to get high again. i mean ive done and made some pretty cool stuff since then but the motivation and ideas are much fewer and far between compared to the absolute deluge i get when im stoned , whether any of my ideas are actually any good or if they were just high ramblings is up to debate but i think it gave me a really good way of looking at things and i made some pretty cool stuff and i miss it a lot but i dont know if going back to it is going to be a mistake or not and im not brave enough to find out if itll hurt me again or if im ready. yyyyaaaayyyyy hahahaha ✌

[jessgartner]

2020 Life Olympics

The real Olympics may have been canceled in 2020 but the Life Olympics persevered like the postal service of Olympics. 

First, I’d like to apologize for my role in the chaos of 2020 because I think I had a slight miscommunication with the powers that be and I feel partly responsible. Here was my plan for 2020: 

My theme for 2020 is Intention because I want to take the energy I feel right now and deploy it with more intentionality next year - bringing increased mindfulness to how I spend my time, money, physical and mental energy. And because I love wordplay, I also literally want to spend more time camping “in-tent” to enjoy more peace and quiet and beauty in nature.

The universe was like, “Oh, she wants to spend less money and more time outside? Well, shut it down. Shut the whole planet down.”

I mean, mission accomplished, I guess? I did spend less money and more time outside and had to be VERY intentional with my mental energy to survive the day-to-day morass of 2020. Next time, I will be more specific with my annual manifestations. Sorry to all. 

2020 was brutal for pretty much everything and everyone. I don’t know anyone who isn’t in some state of grief right now, including myself. I debated doing a Life Olympics at all this year, feeling like-- what is the point? Hundreds of thousands of people died, our democracy is hanging on by a thread, and millions of people lost jobs, businesses, and homes. 

Like many people, I’ve been struggling with anxiety and depression this year which intensified as it got darker and colder outside. At a low point, I talked with my therapist about the struggle of just not wanting to do any of the things that usually bring me joy-- and how periods of relief were so fleeting. “But you have to keep doing those things,” she said, “even if they’re not working right now, you have to keep doing those things and trust the process; the joy will return.” 

So even though I don’t really feel like it and kind of feel like it’s dumb, I’m writing the 2020 Life Olympics. I’m trusting the process.

2020 Life Olympics Recap

Work - Participation Trophy

Starting a company is hard, operating a company is harder, but running a company during a global pandemic and economic crisis is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. 2020 was not a fun year to lead a business; it was hell. On March 15, the plan for the year pretty much went out the window and everything went into survival mode. I never take the company or my team for granted, but I’m particularly grateful to be able to usher this work into 2021.

Despite the craziness, we still had some big wins this year. We launched new product partnerships with PowerSchool and Amazon Business. We rebuilt our tool for equitably calculating district funding formulas. And I got to flex my creative muscles with EdFinToks! Throughout it all, I was lucky enough to be surrounded by a team of people who are as compassionate as they are talented. 

I’m worried about public education more than ever after this year, but I’m going to keep fighting every day to make it work better for kids. 

This is Work-Lite but I also spent a good chunk of time this year leading the modernization workgroup for Bill Henry’s transition committee after his spring primary election to become the new Baltimore City Comptroller, ousting a 25-year incumbent, Joan Pratt. This was an enlightening (and infuriating) experience for me that gave me a glimpse into the operations of a segment of the City government. This process also really helped crystallize how much I enjoy making public agencies function more efficiently; I’m excited to see what Bill does with the recommendations (some are already being put in action!)

Health - Gold 

This is the second year in a row (and ever) that I’m giving myself a Gold medal for Health. This was easily a year that I could have regressed on all of my healthy habits and no one would have blamed me. Instead, I leaned into protecting and improving my physical and mental health in 2020. It’s not an exaggeration to say that walking probably saved my life this year. I spent a lot of time walking around my neighborhood and various state and city parks-- walking is maybe not the best word; I stomp and charge around like I have a score to settle with the ground beneath me. My walking increased 370% in 2020. This is a habit of 2020 that I’d like to keep. My brain and body are happier if I can spend a little time walking-- stomping-- around outside each day. 

I also did a lot of biking this summer. My cycling increased 200% this year-- with much more time spent cycling outdoors. My crowning achievement this year was biking to and from Annapolis:

I spent a LOT more time outside this year which was critical for my mental health. On the downside, I only did 90% as much yoga and 60% as much strength training, so I want to try to be a little more balanced next year. 

I also invested a lot in my mental health this year. I kept up with therapy every 2-4 weeks and in October I decided to pursue a formal diagnosis for ADHD which I definitely have! Needless to say, staying in one place this year has been a special kind of hell for me. 

Home - Silver

Well, I definitely spent less money this year. And the way I did spend money made me (mostly) sad: 

Travel down 70% 

Auto & Transportation up 200% (boo cars)

Shopping down 60%

Personal Care down 35% 

Gifts and donations up 200% 

Food and Dining down 40%

Entertainment down 35% (I kept up my singing lessons virtually which accounts for a lot of this category) 

2020 was quite the palate cleanser from my 2019 year of hedonism but maybe we can go for a happy medium in 2021? Just kidding-- I will resume my hedonist ways the minute the world opens. 

I also redid my home office like every other work-from-homer on the planet and replaced my crumbling kitchen floor so the house got some TLC. 

But nobody enjoyed having me home all year as much as Darwin:

Relationships - Bronze

What a weird year for relationships of all kinds. I’m giving this a Bronze because while I invested a lot into a few relationships this year, there are also a lot of people in my life to whom I haven’t been able to give my time and love. 

One of the most important relationships in my life this year was with one of my former students. After bouncing around in the foster system for many years, we reconnected around the holidays in 2019 and he started crashing with me while we tried to figure out stable housing and employment. He was arrested in January and was incarcerated for the next several months awaiting trial. Finally, we were able to negotiate a plea agreement with the State’s Attorney and he came home around Independence Day. We spent the next several months getting him set up with a phone and various identification documents-- a nightmare in normal times and a total abyss during the pandemic. I got him registered to vote when we got his ID card and I took him to vote for the first time (a supreme treat for this former social studies teacher):

He’s now got a full-time job and stable living situation. Calling this THE success of 2020. Thank you to everyone who helped me with resources all year for housing, legal processes, and documents. It takes a village. 

It was a bizarre year for family. We lost my grandmother in September, so not being able to spend the holidays together felt like an especially cruel loss. Other big losses this year include a trip to France to celebrate a milestone birthday for my mother and my brother and sister-in-law’s wedding (Mosby seemed pretty ok with the alternative plan, though):

But in many ways, my family has been more together than ever this year thanks to prolific group chats and photo-sharing. Mostly, I’m just glad everyone else is safe and healthy. As my father often reminds me, “Our problems are small.” 

And dating? What to do with this weird Jane-Austen-esque dating scene-- as if modern dating weren’t fraught enough. Is this the universe punishing me for ending my 2019 dating hiatus early? I, for one, have given up. You win this one, pandemic. I’m just going to have my little Twitter crush and call it a year. Next year, though...

Horizons - Silver Gold 

You know what? It’s hard to expand your horizons without people or places. 

I did the best I could. I finally got back on track with my Goodreads challenge and actually had a really good year of reading, including finally embracing audiobooks through my Libro.fm subscriptions. I especially enjoyed Michelle Obama’s book Becoming and Mike Birbiglia’s The New One on audio-- both narrated by their authors. 

I camped in Pocomoke (MD), Western MD, Lake Michigan, and Ohiopyle (PA):

I explored over 30 new hiking/biking trails-- some favorites including the Youghiegheny River trail in PA, the NCR trail, Catoctin Mountain, the C&O Canal Towpath, Annapolis Rock, and of course, Stoney Run in my backyard. 

I left Facebook and started the Life Olympics newsletter. I’ll be honest, I don’t miss Facebook but I also don’t understand where that energy, time, and brain space went. I was spending cumulatively hours a day mindlessly scrolling Facebook and I quit cold turkey and barely noticed-- what black hole of our brains does social media occupy? I kind of thought that with all that extra time I would write the next great American novel or something. I’m probably spending a little more time on Twitter, which I could stand to cut back on. Other than that, I think I was just trying to process the shitstorm of this year. Maybe I’ll write the next great American novel post-pandemic. 

For the first time in my life, I feel somewhat ‘caught up’ on pop-culture. I finally watched Parks and Recreation (twice); I watched The Mandalorian and finally actually watched Star Wars (episodes IV-IX); I watched the final seasons of The Good Place and Schitt’s Creek; I’m caught up on Insecure; I watched The Prom and Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom and Jingle Jangle; I even started Bridgerton. I know what everyone is talking about and I’m catching so many more pop-culture references these days. (I guess instead of writing the next great American novel I watched Netflix?)

2020 Lessons

I’ve spent plenty of time mourning the missed opportunities of 2020 and will probably always wonder what this year could have been in an alternate universe with a functioning government. But we only have this reality for now, and we made the best of it. 

I wanted to slow down in 2020, try to be more intentional, more mindful, and...

No thank you! I liked the pace of my life; it makes my brain and heart happy. I’m happiest when I wake up in a different city three days in a row. I like darting around every borough of Manhattan for nine meetings and three cocktails and then taking a red-eye to Europe. I want to run around to eight conferences for 18-hours a day for three weeks and then sleep for 22 hours. I miss overloading my brain so much that I need a deprivation chamber to sleep. This is who I am. This is how I like to live. And when I was locked down alone in the house for a year, slowing down, being mindful, I never once thought, “I should have... when I had the chance.” Because I always did. And I always will. 

2021

We shake with joy, we shake with grief.

What a time they have, these two housed as they are in the same body.

Mary Oliver

We’ve had enough grief. 2021 is going to be all about joy.

Universe, let me be clear: this is not a euphemism or code or secret signal.

I want pure, unadulterated, abundant, joy. I want multi-course dinners in restaurants with lots of close friends and good wine. I want the virus so far gone that I can make-out with handsome strangers. I want a rollicking good time in France and/or Brazil and/or Prague and/or New Zealand and/or Bali. I want to spend the day after Christmas in NYC with my father. I want to be a glutton for theatre and art and music. I want celebrations and parties and sequins. 

I want to shake with joy. 

If you’d like to receive the (shorter) monthly Life Olympics, subscribe here. 

[dont-follow-me-im-scared]

My worst goodbye

Per my therapist request im "journaling" breakup I guess. I mean its been a long time coming but this time it was real and needed to this might be long but here goes:

The force,

I dont even know where to start so I'll start from the begining. The night I met you, when I walked into that bar I had no intention of meeting my soul mate. Yes soul mate. I never believed in them until I met you. But after 9 long years ive learned sometimes we meet our soul mate and we dont get to keep them. I had quite a bit to drink, see you didnt know this but I was 19 I just looked old enough to be there and I had gotten divorced a few months before my world would be forever rocked and changed. The night carried on the christmas air was no match for the drink and the long sleeve I had on. I removed layers the more I drank and I stayed close to the bar. This tall man with the bluest eyes id ever seen was taking care of my drink needs but young me saw a mountain I wanted to climb. I was informed you were married when the regulars realized my attention wasnt going anywhere but you. I flashed the bar (dumb kid is probably what you thought) but everyone in there knew it was for you. Hell I said I wouldnt do it unless you were there. The night carried on, my friends were restless trying to protect whatever modesty they felt I had that night. I wanted to go to the after party I was told youd be attending. They refused and wanted to get me home. Closing time was coming. I wrote my number on a napkin and waited. You went back towards the bathrooms and I knew somehow in my awe struck drunken stuper that was my chance. I walked back caught you right at the end of the hall. Do you remember what I said? I can. The words and moment is forever burned into my brain. "I can keep a secret". Slipped my number into your front pocket smooth as fuck. Which isnt me. But you know that right? Because after that night you saw sides of me no one was ever allowed to see. You saw me grow as a person and into a woman. That was the begining of the end. That singular moment with rumple on my breathe as I stood on my tip toes to lean as close to your ear as I could when I spoke those words. I took in how you smelled. I had no idea soon that smell would be my favorite and put my spirit at ease.

I woke up the next morning with a text from an unknown number. Then the conversation started. You filled in the parts of the night that wasnt clear. You made me nervous. A sensation that would never die down. Tuesday. She'll be at work. Dinner and hang out at the house? Sure. I bet you thought you were getting lucky that night. Not as lucky as I was going to be I guess. Because see even though this is a goodbye, and one thats tearing me apart I was so lucky to feel this. Not everyone gets to experience this with anyone in their entire life. You had a young child. Maybe 3 months I think. Timing in the universe is shitty like that. We sat on the couch. Me almost shaking with nerves but trying to keep my calm because I refused to look a fool in front of you. Do you remember what we watched? Big bang theory. And from then on anytime I saw an episode (I never watched it myself) my thoughts would gravitate back to that couch with you. Do you know how hard thats going to be on me now because that shows everywhere. I guess thats not your problem though. We didnt have sex. I was too nervous and I mean I felt like I was going to puke you made me so nervous. But there was a warmth. This tiny spark of a fire that was felt by me at least. We made out alot. But everytime you reached for my belt my gut screamed "No! Not yet" and ive never been one to ignore my gut. I left. I parked my car a few houses down. The late December air felt so cold against my face because my cheeks were burning like id be in the gym. This couldnt be real. I texted you when I got to the end of the street. "Im sorry I couldn't have sex with you I was so nervous if you dont want to meet up again i get it." I expected you to blow me off. I mean you are older and a bartender. I knew in my head what you were use to with women. I had only been with two people my whole life but you. You reeked experience. Then my phone did something that felt magical in the moment. It lit up with that text. That text reassuring me you wanted to see me again. The text that made me float the whole way home.

The visits became more frequent. Sex with you was amazing. You engulfed my body in what seemed like worship. Not one inch of me ignored. Hands and mouth just exploring the new territory. I was more adventurous. I wanted to make you happy in every way possible. Theres a need inside me to make sure youre happy. There's this new feeling like in a woman and not just some highschooler whos date is trying to get lucky. Theres a chemistry unmatched and indescribable in all honesty. It happened on the couch. The 2nd time I saw you. You carried my straddling body to your room all that was on was my unbutton jeans and your jeans. Your arms lifted me with such ease I gasped. I remember. See how much I remember. Your bedroom smelt like soap and the sheets smelled clean. The only light in the room was the green from the clock by your bed. Then before I knew it your mouth was where no other mans had been. You gave me a new experience I had been deprived of before. Then you were inside of me when I felt like my body was going to stop. Laying there after wards, your hands playing with my spine while we had small conversations in between sighs I considered if this could be forever. I knew right then you were different. I knew we were different. I knew there was something in my way but never desired to remove it. Your kiss at the front door when I was leaving had a longing. Like you didnt want to send me away. It was dark. The neighbors didnt know but as bright as I felt like I was shinning I wondered if they were peering out of the windows to see the source. Was any of this real for you? I dont think I want the answer because it was so real for me. This all sounds crazy. You're married and I knew but here I was.

It got to where id barley make it through your unlocked door without you scoping me up like youd waited all week to get your hands on me. The text in between visits didnt seem like enough any more. So I started doing what any logical in love person would do. I started getting hotel rooms and going to the bar on the weekends. I had to see you more. Hear your voice. See you smile at me from across that bar knowing I was picturing having you under me on every surface there. It made it fun right? Like we had a huge secret right in front of everyone. Including your sister in law who bartended with you some nights. It was a rush right? Knowing I was going to be in that weed infused hotel room half drunk mostly stoned in the see through black robe you love(d) so much. Knowing there was nothing between me and you but this thin fabric. Do you think people could see it on our faces? Your friends became mine because I was at the bar so often but none of them knew. Our conversations grew and we became friends who just happen to explode with this chemistry. It was more than what it had been but that was the most itd ever be. Remember the Halloween you dressed at a 20s gangster. Remeber the red dress i rushed into the bar in on new years eve so I could kiss you by midnight. Do you remember taking me in your arms around my waist and kissing me in front of everyone? I'll never forget because that was a moment where I thought this is how it could be. I met you for lunches. I met you at quicktrips for a five minute visit. Boyfriends came and went but you never left. I kept you around. Remember the apartments down the street I moved into so I could be closer. You whistling while I was waiting at my open front door. That smile. You nuzzling me after on the balcony while i smoked. I hated you had to leave me every time. You lingered in my door hesitant to walk away. The good thing about me living so close is you got to spend more time with me.

I stated you were my soul mate. I mean it. I have forever missed my chance with the one person I truly believe was made for me. All because a year of timing. You told me so many times had it not been for your baby youd leave. I believed you. I love my husband and my daughter but no one will ever light the fire you did inside me and still do. Which is why I need to walk away. Youre a source of confusion in my life. I cant allow myself to question if my relationships right because I dont have the feeling I did with you. Does that make me bad? I dont think so. I love him and dont want to hurt him which is why I have to do this. Cutting an imprint with you is one of the hardest things ive had to do but hurting him would be harder. I'll never forget a million things about you. Memories with you. I honestly hope you'll never forget me. I wish I could tell my daughter about you one day and how she never needs to settle unless someone makes her feel like you made me feel.

Love always

Youre biggest fan.

[kendrixtermina]

Disclaimer For Potential Partners (f/m/x)

Writing this down as much to gather my thoughts and go into this with clear priorities as for possible future reference. 

My mother always told me that if you wanted everyone to like you, you’d have to be a 50 dollar bill. I have come to accept that I’m more like licorice. Some people aren’t gonna like me but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t others who would appreciate me. 

I’d rather you run away screaming NOW than in three years when we’re both invested so Let’s get all this out of the way:

I’m bisexual. Yes, I’ve dated dudes in the past. I’ve had a brief online flirt with an agender person and do think androgynous ppl are hot which I suppose would make me pan in some ppl’s books, at this point the choice in label is purely aesthetic. I’m looking for a female partner right now because I’ve always had a slight preference for girls anyways but a sufficiently compatible non-female would not be refused. 

Because ppl have gotten this wrong in the past: Preference is about how likely you are to notice that someone is hot in the first place like in the early stages. It doesn’t mean my attachment to those dudes was any less “real” (or the other way around!) I just flat out don’t care whats in your pants there are other things to be picky about

From since I was young, the message I got from music, books etc is that it’s pretty bad to say “I love you” unless you truly mean it. So I don’t say “I love you” until I’m 100% sure I can do that it good conscience. It seems that it takes me a bit longer to be sure than most people, but it’s not like I’ve conducted statistics on this

I’m not vegan/vegetarian and I’m never going to be vegan/vegetarian

I’m not a pet person 

I’m not a sporty person and I’m never going to be a sporty person

Go through my stuff, spy on me in any way or ask me to tell you where I am at all times and its over

I’m an antiprohibitionist and don’t think there’s anything morally wrong with taking recreational substances. Conversely, I’m not interested in that sort of thing as a full-on lifestyle either. 

I try to keep an open mind and try everything once but im probably not gonna reorganize my life around new age woo-woo. 

So far my folks have liked most my partners, but if our social circles don’t get along I’m comfortable with leaving them separate. 

I believe in judging people as individuals first. I don’t wanna hear no paranoid shit about “the muslims” or other stereotypical carricatures but if you’re gonna be “europeans that europeans this” as if im not in the room its not gonna work. 

Don’t be fooled by the foreign-sounding surname im a potato through and through. No exotic fanservice to be had here. 

Barring unforseen dictatorships, I don’t want to move out of Europe. I like it here. Its full of frustrating dumbasses but so is the rest of the world.  Yay for cheese and consumer protection laws! I would consider moving closer to the shore though. 

It’s fine if you don’t speak German but you should not hate or dislike it.  English is a plus because me, my friends and my family are into internet culture

I haven’t spoken to my father in five years. No, you’re not going to patch this up. You don’t have to ignore him too if you’re not comfortable but you’ll have to respect my choice instead of playing family therapist or throwing platitudes about forgiveness at me. 

Im not counting and it depends on your definition but Ive fucked at least 15-20 people, which according to statistics is above average? Always used rubber unless it was long-term and exclusive tho. That might bother some ppl. 

That said it has been my conclusion that fucking does nothing that a beer can’t do and that the real quality stuff is what you could already do as a grade schooler when you still thought of all the grownup stuff as mystical. Having ice cream together, exploring new places, having contemplative conversations in the rain, telling each other your fantasies? That’s The Stuff. 

Hence while I wouldn’t turn down some fuckage along the way what im looking for at this point is someone to share life and grow old with, like there doesn’t need to be the expectation of further strings but the end goal RN is to find One That Sparks Joy(TM) that will get precedence

I’m not big on material gifts or the ritual part of dating if thats important to you I might not be the ideal candidate, but if its not thats probably good for your wallet

I’m a strong introvert. Sometimes I go weeks without talking to anyone other than my boss or maybe texting my relatives. If you’re very introverted or work alot this might be an advantage. Of course if I love you I will try my best to match up to your attention needs but if you need your partner to text you 15 times every day to feel good I might just not be your cup of tea

That doesn’t mean im not interested in going on or doing new experiences. I very much hope to do that together with you just not 5 days a week - if you can’t give new things wholehearted tries things might get uncomfortable

I like spicy food and all sort of asian cousine, but if you can’t stand the sight of cheese, asparagus and sausage it’s not gonna work either. I can obviously put less chili in your portion. 

I tend to talk fast and I find it hard to stop it even if I try, if that bothers you look elsewhere

I cannot stand forced optimism OR over-the top misanthropy or snobbishness. I will gush about things, but I like my dark edgy content and I stand by it. It is an advantage if you like talking about art. If you don’t like morbid humor that might be a problem

No diet talk

No perfectionism

No passive aggressive ppl or ppl that are uncomfortable with direct confrontation. That won’t work, we’d just set each other off even without meaning to and it would just be sad. If Im doing something wrong don’t expect me to notice by magic, tell me to my face so I can fix it. Don’t be hostile out of nowhere and don’t beat around the bush. 

im not religious or spiritual. I don’t mind if you are but if you want to have kids and bring them up strongly-immersed in some Abrahamic faith im not sure if this is the right adress

No anti-intellectualism (no snobbery, elitism or smartassery either - as a wise pig once said, “Knowledge is a horizon to strive for, not a prize to hold in your hand” It begins with realizing what you don’t know)

Indifferent about monogamy, but I wouldn’t say that I’m the sort of person who needs non-monogamy either.  If you want to we can do it (write me out some list of where you draw the lines so there’s no misunderstandings) but if you don’t it’s no biggie. I don’t care if you fuck 10 other people - for me, respect, honor and loyalty are to do with other things, like, don’t make fun of me and don’t expect me to change because one (1) person said I’m weird or whatever.

Don’t give me diseases tho. I’ll take precautions to extend the same courtesy to you.  

Potential character flaws: I can be a tad sensitive, disorganized and defensive sometimes, not gonna sugarcoat it. I have no filter and curse like a sailor. Also I have zero social skills and sometimes I come across as either angry or unemotional when its really the opposite. I find that just as confusing and contradictory as that sounds, I have like zero sense of how I come off. I try to be aware of all of these and do right to everyone to the best of my ability but if you’re sensitive about any of these point someone else might be a better fit 

2 kids max. I’m not sure I’ll have ANY at this point, and most certainly not in the next 5 years. IF we decide to have some later I volunteer to carry them though, I probably have good genes, my mom popped out 4 babies in 6 years with nary a complication. Besides I’d rather it was me dealing with the gross pregnancy stuff than someone I love

My favorite bedroom stuff is fingers-in-front-cavity and butt stuff. Mild sleepsex fetish but nothing super pronounced. What I don’t like or just am not very good at is top/bottom play. 

So far most my partners have had somewhat stronger sex drive than me but Id argue that I very much have one and ive never refused unless I was in physical pain, severely sleep-deprived or working on some important work-related thing that was due the next day. 

It’s important - and science backs me up on this - that you can freely talk to each other in n open, natural and relaxed manner

If you think im weird just do us both the favor and stay away don’t come at me with the attitude that you’re gonna mold me to your desires - even just writing this comes off kinda touchy but im saying this because some people out there really don’t get it. Like my natural tendency is to be open, courious and realistic,  but some people see that as free real estate and then it falls to me to be the reasonable one and End The Madness and im tired of that.

Like I want to be able to give love and pour out all my inner romantic shit without having to be afraid of being fucked over I want to be able to trust you with my inner harley quinn as well as my inner phantom of the opera 

UGH that sounded a bit tryhard didn’t it? But its the best description i could come up with

Must remember to translate this into mordor speak later

[bloodstainedangelic]

My Experience with The human Condition

I feel like I should start writing this somewhere so maybe someone sees this and avoids some of the mistakes i've come to make threwout my life. I dont exactly plan on this being a autobiogeph, But things are confusing at the current moment. Let's get Started Let me start of by intreducing myself Hi, Im Roy Otherwise Known as janro a Afrikaans Raised South african 22 year oldAnd Im a Psycopath of sorts Now my Grammer or Spelling wont be a real reflection of my Brain so to speak, or my Character im in general bad with spelling but im good with words I guess. Im not a Psycopath in the general sense of what most people think , No I dont hurt people I have yet to murder someone in case your wondering. But I dont feel things like people should, Happiness IF you could call it that comes for me in the form of anger and immense moments of depression Tho im not sure what those Emotions really mean, Its the closest I come to feeling anything tho, Im not sure what anything is really, I find it impossible to learn anything from anyone, I think it might have to do with the fact that I usually Find myself better the work.Its a bad habbit because of that I learn to hate almost everything I do, Yet i Tend to be good at it, Everything ive ever undertaken ive either excelled at or simply never bothered to even try at it. I have no Motivation for anything It seems Pointless I dont see the purpose of running the hamster wheel of a life we tend to live, Im lonely So lonely yet I have a beautifull girlfriend thats wonderfull really. Shes amazing, A little one the only thing probably keeping me around my Beautifull little child. But that hurts me in the same breath because I want to see the world and expierence everything from every corner of the world in hopes that i find something that brings me Purpose, But now Because of her im forced to run the hamster wheel. And this is has been the hardest undertaking of my life. a year at college to get a Degree thats gotten me Nowhere and Taught me nothing, The person "In Charge" of teaching us" was so incapible him self I actually found it amusing in times so now with no Safety net noone to run to, No more Money to study Further, I sit here everyday Trying to find a job im totally unprepared to do. Maybe I am Ready but You see im intentionally or unintentionally self destructive I dont know, I cant afford to see a Therapist to try and deal with my Problems. If that would even help, So here i Am hoping some Stranger reads this and Borrows me a ear or some advice, Im trying to briefly Summarize my Current Situation So IF you're not interested in the full story Stop here. As a child I use to excell at everything I did at 12 I was already taking care of my Drunk of a dad, And teaching my Mother and sister how to cook, How to teach, How to handle there work and school life's I've always been the helpfull Silent kid that helps everyone els out with a smile but never quite getting anything in return, Well not In the general sense atleast. See I thrive on Others Emotions Im kind of a Morphic Person I adapt my Personaly and Characteristics to the person im talking to, So "Me" as a person my "Personality" Doesnt exsist its totaly Dependant on my current situation Because of that i've found it easy to Manupilate people Especially People who think they have the upper hand. When someones Following my Everywhim I feel this " At home" feeling And I guess because of this My life turned out the way it did. See for me Nothing Ever works out the way its suppose to, Im a Hopeless Optemist at time but its never worked out not even once, I've never had a plan work out before Yet I cant bring my self to "Just go with the flow" Because I tend to feel very little 99% of the time I've always been the calm and Colected person in my Family so everyruns to me if theres trouble or if they have problems. I'd love to run to someone I know for help right now, But I dont think anyone I know has the brain cells to understand the odd situation im in. Basiclly Im stuck in a puddle and ive got no way out. Theres no branch to latch onto no doors to open threres nothing ahead, I'd love to say all I need is for someone to give me a chance but im not sure I can get what they need from me done, Every Dream ive ever had ive had to toss into the wind because of one or another situation Either money family or loved ones. I feel like Im not good enough for anything anymore I've always had this rock solid self confidence lately none of thats left, Im the kind of guy that can write a 4000 Word essay on the spot usually and right now i dont even know what to write anymore, My Life is a Shit show right now, And ive got no outlet So im hoping this provides me some kind of support. I've lived a complicated live uptill now I've dealt With a Drunk for a dad thats sold everything ive almost every owned when i was living with him I turned to drugs to Feel something at some point But I litterly Stopped that Addiction simply by doing so much drugs that i'd be able to go to the hospital if i OD'd or Feel so shit that I can mentally start to restructer the addiction as a "Pain in the ass" "A hassle" It wasnt some Therapy or Rehab that helped me Just me simply Lying to my self and Ya I do get Cravings from time to time , But Eh. after that I spent 3 Years sitting at home trying to find a job And eventually after Interview and Interview failing I ended up Going to study and it this point im sure you know how that ended, And now im a Neutral Rock that cant feel anything but Crushing Self Pitty and Demotivation towards every daily act Its gotten to the point where i'd rather be hungry for 2 days straight then get up and make my self some Instant noodles or a Cheese sandwitch The other day I had such bad Stomach Cramps That i fainted, Probably because of the lack of neutrition but Eh I dont have the money to see a DR and I cant be Bothered trying to Improve my Diet as an Example I use to Weight About 90KGs Athletic Guy with Big "Muscles" I weight 42 KGs atm I Disgust my self when i look in the mirror lately When i see how ive let my self just Rot I honestly looked better on drugs Hell all the photos on this twitter I was high as all shit. I cant Off my self cause what about my kid. And That would be to much of a hassle honestly I mean ive been trying to kill my self slowly for years but still. I cant improve my life because I have no motivation And to improve it I would need a job and at this point I cant even remember what I had for Breakfast. Ooh And ive been Self Medicating with 7 Types of Anti Deppresants None of wich work btw All they do is make me feel "Edgy" when I forget to take them. But yeah I mean Shitts Tuff Im having some real "First World" Problems at the moment but to be honest i'd rather be in a warzone or some apocelyptic fuckery of a area atleast there id have a daily in and out and hell maybe the idea of getting murdered everyday might drive me to do something with my life althought thats doubfull But yeah if you got this far I think I owe you a Alot, and hell maybe you feel the same but I just want someone to fucking help me. I Feel fucking broken And I really just need some Help.

[identitycris1s]

im back

hi just thought id pop in with a status update! maybe i’ll break this down into categories. feel like im doing an email update (ew!) but this rly is probs the best way to structure this post...

work / school (?)

work has been....aite. idk what to say. idk if i have unrealistic expectations of what work is supposed to be, but the idealist in me thinks its wrong to not even try and find something that seems meaningful / is deeply fulfilling. i think im mature enough to get that work isnt supposed to be fun / exciting every single day but bro this daily grind / sense of dread / utter disinterest / feeling of futility / frustration / disenchantment surely isnt the correct state of affairs.....at least let me try and find something that is a better fit, thats more stimulating, that feels more NATURAL to me? i just dont think im cut out to be a lawyer. sure i sometimes like arguing and making my point and i like that everyone i work with is smart and interesting and generally kind and reasonable and i like the prestige of the job and feeling like ppl respect me and i like the decent pay and the humane hours but.....i feel unmotivated to be a good lawyer. i think i find it difficult / disingenuous to always 100% get behind my client and advocate for their best interests. i tend to see things from a zoomed out perspective, like WHY are we fighting, WHY cant we just settle, WHY are the claimants pursuing this absolutely crap and unmeritorious claim and WHY do we have to defend it when its stupid and bound to fail (cos access2justice i guess but still, WHY), WHY cant we just hash things out in a meeting instead of sending emails here and there and wasting time, WHY do we have to answer stupid questions, WHY WHY WHY

and i think public policy is sort of an answer to that....i think theres more questioning of why we do things and why a policy will or will not work, in a macro sense - what is good for society at large. whereas in law (at least in litigation) its how can we just move this case forward and help the client, which is often not the most productive thing to do in a macro sense - very much a zero sum game. i get that shitty / unmeritorious claims still need to be defended against and someone has to do it and I GET IT but i just dont think i want to be that person defending these claims...or bringing them for that matter.....ultimately i cant fully / sincerely separate the overarching sense of futility from the duty to do a good job.

sigh. well at least ive kind of figured out this isnt for me. which is scary cos being a lawyer in this firm is pretty much a career for life - truly an iron rice bowl, i could probably make partner in maybe 4 or 5 years and live a comfortable upper middle class life...but i cant bring myself to do that. i cant bring myself to not give myself a shot at doing something i actually find interesting, stimulating and that i care about deeply. call me crazy! we’ll see where this brings me in 5 years’ time....:) 

anyway most ppl at work (at least in my team) know that im most likely gonna leave soon. i rly only told 2 ppl (my boss cos he had to sign off on my testimonial and G cos she was quitting anyway)...but somehow ppl found out one way or another. i dont rly mind and ppl have been taking it pretty well and have been kind and encouraging (i guess why would they not take it well, im hardly indispensable) but i get a bit antsy thinking - what if i dont get in...then what? do i just put my head down and continue here (BUT IM SO SAD) or do i just quit without any prospects and try to find a policy-ish job??

idk. will have faith that God will put me where I need to be. he is in control of it all and I BELIEVE THIS !!! I am just a bit scared that his plan is different from what i  think i want....but this is just my human instinct and i know in my head that there is no reason to be scared cos his plan is always the better one. head knowledge just needs to translate to heart understanding and real trust / faith.

ermmm relationships...???

i started using...cmb...idk why i find this so cringey. i guess about a year ago i couldnt imagine doing this and i kept thinking EW what if ppl i know see me and they think im a desperate saddo who cant find a bf irl and has to resort to an app EW shes so lame and ugly and gross. and i realised that is so stupid no one actually thinks that way and its very backward and dumb and insecure of me to be thinking that. and anyway as i get older i rly dont quite give a shit what ppl think of me (at least i tell myself that....)

i suppose i was also inspired by csm who has been quite actively using apps and meeting ppl and taking real..strides..(LOL) in her dating life. i used to tell myself hey God will provide u with a mans if he wants u to be with a mans. but also God can use an app to do that...and if i dont step out in faith that he will do something and i dont take any action at all, how is God gonna work?? should i sit at home and expect a man to fall into my lap??

for some ppl it has been way easier, e.g. my parents meeting in uni and falling i love. i always wanted that - the organic relationship, the meet-cute, the friends to lovers thing. (i guess i tried that last one before and it didnt work...) but i think theres no point in romanticising relationships anymore. thats a very modern thing to do and its not necessarily a good thing? like who’s to say a relationship that had organic beginnings is intrinsically better than one that started from an app?

anyway i havent had much luck haha i think its hard to find genuine GCBs (or maybe theyre just not attracted to me....) although recently ive been talking to this one guy B for a week or two and its been...ok i guess. hes rly nice and seemed cool at first - we talked about travelling and hamilton and the office, which was a good start. he is thoughtful and kind and doesnt seem to be put off by my very slow replies (he replies so fast......its stressful a bit) and he does the whole good morning text thing (which i frankly find a bit bizarre, we barely know each other..?? and ive never even met him irl.. but its sweet i guess :))

but DUDE his english seems to be not great - at least thats the impression i get from texting him. which is an issue for me. i dont want it to be BUT IT IS...first red flag was when he said some weird thing about not wanting to wear a mask at work (not a literal mask - like he didnt know if he could be his ‘true self’) and the wording was very strange. then he said “the weekends are almost here” ?? the weekend is not a plural though? then he used the wrong tense a few times and his apostrophe usage was wrong (”Gods’ love” - bro there is one God). he also uses way too many commas which irks me.

i mean i get that text is supposed to be an informal medium - come on look at this post, there r hardly any capital letters and plenty of short forms and hardly any apostrophes but u see its CONSISTENT and its obviously cos of laziness / convenience - but i think his problem is a bit different...u can sort of tell if someone doesnt have a 100% strong grasp of english. those r basic grammar mistakes man...i get that i sound petty and stupid and this isnt a huge deal but i feel like im settling by even talking to him cos this is not something i wld normally tolerate but hey maybe im getting desperate with age :(:(:( urgh 

on the other hand maybe i just need to be more generous with ppl and l have an irrationally high standard for english cos i am a lawyer and my friends all speak well / text well?? maybe im just being too nitpicky?? honestly hes very nice  and communicative and straightforward and seems mature and very God-fearing and idk why hes still talking to me cos ive been a bit cold and slow to respond. hes very patient which i dont rly deserve.....i myself have a million flaws that are probably way worse and egregious (ahem PRIDE...ahem ego....ie the source of this dilemma in the first place...) so maybe i should just close one eye abt the bad grammar.

i also realised how fked up i am - confirmed my suspicion that i am naturally attracted to emotionally unavailable ppl / ppl that just seem distant / out of reach (thats my avoidant attachment style right there). i think there was one day he didnt text me at all and omg...i couldnt stop thinking what i did wrong...like did i piss him off by being too cold for too long...did he get scared off cos i said i wanted to do a masters (idk this seemed like an irrational leap but i was being irrational)..then i started being nicer to him and replied more promptly hahaha turns out he was just rly bz at work that day. omg this pattern is real i think i did this with xj also - was eager to speak when he was in japan but after meeting irll i was just over it... (i am drawn to distance like a moth to a flame and i am repelled by availability like....a fire by a fire extinguisher (??)). yucks i rly hate myself sometimes but yknow what at least im self aware and im trying to fix this...kind of.. gonna hash this avoidant thing out with my therapist at the next sesh.

on the topic of xj i got a bit nostalgic and wondered why we stopped speaking (surprise surprise it was my fault, didnt reply then felt it had been left to long to pick it up again...) went back to look at our texts and aw we rly got along so well, i do miss him as a friend and im sorry about how poorly i treated him especially in dec 2018 / jan 2019 sigh.....i was a real bitch....

anyway im just gonna see how things go with B... if he asks me out i prob will go... just to give it a shot. update if / when that happens!

EDIT - he asked me out lol we shall see how it goes. 

[brokenhayatim]

comfort, control & a little light

[now playing: west by sleeping at last]

there’s a sense of me not liking being cared for bc perhapppsss i feel like i owe you something then. i don't like being indebted to people even if it doesn't seem so to you bc of relationships being “without strings”. the strings that are very much there for me will haunt me. then i feel like i owe you myself so i stay and i do something to make myself feel useful to you, maybe too much but one day, the attachment i have to you needs to be severed. the sooner the better.

i sort of knew i was a control person but it has come to my attention that maybe i do it too often. everything seems to be about control somehow and if im not on top it's too risky. and i don't win for pleasure but from on fear. that's slowly morphed into me just being me. i say i have this thing where if something isn't net balanced or me in the positive above you, i won't pursue i don't want in. it prevents growth and closed doors and prevents me from amazing things and people yeah but so what?

its also the reason i hate sudden change bc i feel not in control and when i find myself not in control, i panic and can't breathe and i want to scream shutup to everyone around me before i make a move. its not necessarily a bad thing and i don't do it to hurt people, but i can manipulate situations/outcomes really well. i choose my words, i never give too much, im cautious. my therapist says i wear masks around nearly everyone but ive been wearing them since before the third grade so we’ll have to excuse me for currently not knowing how to be a normal human and not wanting to release them..honestly, i don't know how to act without them and sometimes i wish i really really did.

when people care for you they give and what do you do? take. and i hate taking. ive been told that's all i do once - through essentially a threat - so please don't give. one of the ways people think not to give is if they don't think they can or should. u cant give comfort for pain without the pain. so maybe that's why i hate being cared for because someone else is put in control with me in pain, and i hate attachments so i’d rather you didn’t. apparently, there’s a mix of me thinking i deserve all of my pain as some punishment but..... sometimes i hate how unconsciously calculated i always am even around people i don't want to be. ive gotten so good at lying and hiding that ive just morphed into omitting so much of everything.

[cue the waterworks] i think growing up where and how i did, i really wanted people to see me for something else. i can't even tell if that was me - i blended into so many people so well. i remember the first time i felt my personality was honest for the first time in my life and that was senior year of high school. senior yea r. and then i closed up like a little bug again. i had people know and like me bc of who i showed them and it felt good. i didn't even use the word abuse till late last year. it's like this fantasy world i wanted to live in for so long caught up to me dissociating it all. if you show people your best face, they won't want to leave, right? ive lived in the negative for too long - that feeling of weakness or helplessness or always on edge for something to panic for next. so the minute i found control, i held it and i grew it and i ran away. i ran away and distanced myself from everything behind for months. sometimes i get really bad panic attacks when i think about this “independent” person falling back. then i think myself stupid for thinking i actually was this whole time. i just want to be free of it for once you know. so id rather you not accompany me to the hospital even if i died in that bed, or ask me if im okay when im in pain or ramble ten solutions for help. bc i don't want help from anyone. im fine. it's fine. i can do it by myself.

its funny how it all is. the way i think of everything first with having an expiration to plan for. i sometimes imagine ways things will end in the most realistic settings and then i imagine the blow. i make jokes about it, but im really not a long term person not in the way people deserve or need. and i like it that way, that unattached feeling of being in control, even if sometimes it doesn't end so. i never gave and took more than enough. and yet, i still blame myself. ive had the start of many relationships be of me wanting people to like me enough to be their friend and i gave them the best, some of them i still have and some not.

i met noor in a few days this month years ago and i don't think she’ll ever be able to know that she’s the single most best part of my life. and we started out with her being terrible at communication but there was always this tether of me knowing something was good here. i remember both moments i felt it and where i was. every year was just plagued with me knowing it would eventually end and she would go and it was this familiar sense of fear but almost worse. and i try to be optimistic, i really do, just not when it comes to me. i plan for the worst so it doesn't slap me in the face. i have a blind spot sometimes and that's a flaw, but i remember being less afraid and realizing that importance one day. i was just standing near the window of this backroom upstairs in the house and it was new and strange and did i mention strange? i mentioned it but i don't think it'll ever hold the weight it genuinely held in her mind - as she isn't in mine. but it felt like doing something so mundane for the first time and having it mean the world and the feeling was almost paralyzing. she’s the first person i wish i’d knocked down the wall and taken off all the masks sooner for and the only one right now. and sometimes i genuinely hate myself for it, i hate that i cant and i don't know how to and it seems so incredibly stupid bc it seems so easy but it's hard. so hard for me. you shouldn't have to struggle this hard to be something so simple to someone else, right? its hard to explain something like that. i know i protect myself but i didn't know how powerful that barrier was. how weak i seem to fight against it. sometimes i have moments of thinking this is it - the good run, and i literally prepare myself. i imagine all the worst scenarios and i psyche myself into thinking it was better for me, her, us. i have those still but not often. and it's crazy, right? that ‘not often’. i don't have a flight or fight response bc im used to fleeing, in the good, the rocky and the bad. i don't stay and fight when it comes to me, but i fight for us a lot. ive fought for people before and lost, mostly because i purposefully come to battle with just my hands. it was a weak attempt i knew wouldn't last. but i want to be better and i want to fight better, or maybe just stay longer on the battlefield and take the beatings. but at least im there. at least i haven't given up and gave it all i had. it might not be all im worth and i may still keep some weapons at bay, but with what i got, i want to give it my all. sometimes i write something and delete it twelve times when i want to ask for help or seek some sort of comfort; but im also used to not feeling important enough to receive that, even though i know that won't happen. sometimes when i don't get what i want or can't control that, i retreat and never say anything. she’s tough and i love that about her. but im also used to falling weak to tough people and sometimes the smallest things hurt or scare me bc i have those burns. i think im less in control around her and its scary for me bc im not used to that. but im also strangely okay with that bc i feel safe for once. i feel more than safe. and that means nothing more than something sappy i know. but when you grow up with violence in your home and on your mind, it feels so nice to just have that not in your heart for a minute. its something of light and she’s given me many minutes that i don’t deserve. that’s why i love her name. bc it is her by every definition in every way. i would love to be my name that i say i love, but im not there. and i don't know if ill be someone that heals if im still living in this body. but, if she isnt the best part about me..i don't know what it is. she’s my best friend. i would give her all the keys and she would be the first person to walk through the doors of this haunted house - fearlessly in the dark with a borrowed lantern still held near her heart.

[d-erica]

worth living

Life is as beautiful as you can possibly make it out to be.Life is very much taken for granted. But everyones perspective is different. We can deny it as much as we want, but the ugly truth is that at some point almost everyone has sat in their bed in complete darkness and hoped and prayed for a better or just in general a different life. But we didnt magically get that now did we? No. This post is primarily my past perspective on life. I dont know if anyone else has felt or at least thought in this same way, but this is my input. Now I am not going to sit here and write lies saying that my life was consistent of good or of bad. Childhood was really weird and awkward for me. My memory has blocked alot of those earlier days out primarily because I never learned the basics of being in touch with my emotions so yes in elementary i had bestfriends, but what everyone else felt it seemed kind of impossible and foreign to me. I didnt understand the meaning of hugs and of saying the words ‘’ I love you’’. Saying the word ‘’bye’’ always rubbed me off the wrong way because I knew at a young age that when i said  that word to my dad before he was stationed overseas in the air force that that potentionally could be the last time that Id be considered ‘’daddys little girl’’. I knew too soon that things couldnt be perfect forever so I already started putting up a wall trying to  protect myself from any harm or abandonment. I grew up with the same routine all the way up to high school avoiding certain interactions and any type of physical affection. I came off as nonchalant or as alot of people would refer to me as ‘’emotionless’’. I knew for a fact that I had emotions and some type of heart deep down inside of me somewhere. My comedy made up for the missing aspects of me i guess. At least for awhile. Fast forward to sophmore year of high school. Something in me changed, it was like a switch. Sixteen years of built up anger, disgust, sadness all came and took control over my entire mind,body,and soul. The funny, lively side of me people once loved changed, people saw the drastic change. I knew they knew something was wrong, and alot of people tried their best to uplift me but no matter what they said. I was still me, I was still the only one in my head. I made myself think and feel like I was all in this alone and that i couldnt get pulled out of this rut. I was just so bitter to the world, just so over basically everything. For someone who used to cry twice a year, i started to cry like five times a day everyday of each month in that time frame. These feelings went on for such a long time that I started to hate myself for me being so uncontrollably sad and weak all of the time. My grades in school went down and down. My family life was at the peak of being the worse thing Ive ever had to see. I think i was just overall disgusted with the way I allowed myself to bury myself in my bed and my feelings without seeking or reaching out for help. During the time frame, I lost all ability or energy to go to school, sleep at night causing my extreme insomnia even now to this day, perform my best at my job, be happy in public settings with friends, leave my room to show my face to my family, and mainly stopped eating and drinking appropriately, I lost like fifty pounds just during the time of being so numb and hopeless. My bones became brittle so I could sometimes barely stand without feeling like falling over. This basically just gave people bigger and stronger than me the green light to sexually abuse and psychically abuse me. Everyday it seemed like another thing to break me. Months went by and I just grew tired. Absolutely tired, exhausted, literally depression won over and over again. My mind shifted from feeling utterly lonely to developing to mental nightmares. No matter how much trauma Ive witnessed or been through, my thoughts are what ruined me, No one else did that to me. Only thing that went through my head was how and what was the easiest way i could possibly die, I didnt want this life. Obviously the odds werent in my favor. Obviously I was a lost cause because no matter what loved ones said or did it didnt stick with me throughout my whole day. Therapy didnt help probalby because I sat there stubborn for two hours with blank eyes, they offered prescriptions that seemed like placebo. ‘’ Here take this when you wake up every morning so you can start off with a clear mind.’’ Yall know how hard it is to look in the face of a therapist you had since seventh grade and hold back the words ‘’ Mrs. Witherspoon I dont plan on waking up in the morning, Im really tired you know.’’ I never told her that and couldnt bring myself to say ‘’bye’ because it brought me back to childhood where I knew itd be the last time. I wrote my notes to individual people. I knew what action I was going to take that night to finally put things and myself to rest. I was on the edge of putting myself at peace then like in a split second difference I got a ft call that I didnt answer. Seeing the name of the person made me stop in my tracks though and something told me to check my messages and look at the previous loving paragraphs Ive ever gotten. I just could not continue. I knew the people in my life didnt deserve the heartache and confusion that would be left after my self afflicted passing. I burned the handwritten goodbye notes and went to sleep . I vowed that I wouldnt put myself in that situation ever again. Yes, things in my life didnt magically improve but I did try to look at things in a different manner. Months went past and I wasnt in as a bad place anymore, but I just wasnt fit for some relationships anymore because it was just unfair to give half of me all the time when people did nothing but give me love and sense of patience all the time. I guess there was alot of pressure to be perfect and it sort of started messing with my mind seeing everyone happy and wondering why Im not i guess. People definitely deserve better than what I ever had to offer, I wish nothing but the best for anyone who has stuck with me in the times around a year ago. Fast forward it is the middle of senior year and I am really happy right now. Ive gained alittle weight, I feel beautiful in my own skin, my grades are so muc better. I should get at least three to four cords at graduation from my honor society clubs here this upcoming spring .Isolating myself in a positive way and letting go of bad situations and coping mechanisms was the best decision I have done. Lately Ive been taking one day at a time. This transformation definitely wasnt overnight, it was like a two year process. Even though some things from those times are still hard to think about, im forever grateful for the hardships and obstacles. Life experiences definitely has shaped me into the young woman I am now, I was kind of mature before everything but this definitely pushed me to see clearly and handle things with more thought and overall process of how and when to react. I used to pray that I could have a diiferent life and even though this is not exactly what I meant, It is still really good at the moment. Ive reconnected with some people from the past, and Ive also attracted more people recently who have come my bestfriends, Things do look up eventually. Life is truly what YOU make it.

[k-s-m-o-blog]

30 Day Cleanse

So with me starting DPT I am fully retraining my mind to think positive thoughts, contemplate uplifting behaviors, and making healthy coping skill changes because the ones I have dont seem to be working in my favor. I thought i had no coping skills and told my therapist so. She corrected me quickly saying "no you have coping skills chelcie. They are just horribly negative ones."

So as my cleanse will go on i will do daily things to learn new coping skills, life skills, and I will eventually make these changes into daily habits. 30 days is just the start. Ive decided to keep off social media such as Facebook and Twitter because reading things online can effect my day. Say someone bashes addiction and I get mad about it. That effects me. Say someone is struggling and posts something that triggers me and I go into obsessive thinking mode. That effects me. It could be as simple as one of my friends who i havent spoken to in a while comments on someone else's post but doesnt return my messages. My mind goes to " i must not be 'cool' enough to be their friend anymore." Or i could see someone post a general post about thinking someone is annoying or an asshole and my mind thinks " im so special and important they MUST be talking about me!" Which im just not that important not everyone is posting or thinking about me. Or even say they were talking about someone else and I know who they are talking about. That persons opinion on whoever they are posting about taints my perspective of that person even if I dont know them. I end up thinking someone i know nothing about is a bitch or a hoe because of what someone else thinks of them and im learning not to judge people on other peoples account of them.

Im also going to stay in my own lane and stop trying to save everyone else because it only hurts me. Im such a care taker of others i forget to tend to my own needs. I also allow what i think someone else is doing corrupt how I feel when i have no actual idea of that persons intent. My BPD seems to take over in a lot of ways like this.

My routine is simple. Ill start my AA program over with a new sponsor, a new big book, and a new perspective of what id like my life to be and stop thinking about what i want in life and simply go get it instead.

Taking on each day with daily affirmations to myself, attending one aa meeting on the same day every week, going to church every weekend, writing and keeping notes of my daily life, listening to aa speakers online as well as Joel Osteen, and self help books on audiable.

On the physical side i will be doing a 30 day workout plan and dieting healthy to bring more self confidence to myself. I also have a therapist and 2 counselors (one for psych the other for substance abuse) come to my house to meet with me. I have 6 meetings a month between all of them together not including AA.

Along the way i am cutting out people i find I dont need around at this point in my life and keeping up with my family more. I will do more outings with my children. Hopefully can manage with money more to go to story land and the aquarium. And also i will be away from my relationship strains as William works on himself in an inpatient program for court. I will wake up each morning and end each night without the person i depend on the most for companionship... And i should hope to learn independence and to have faith in God that i will never truly be alone for i have God and my beautiful children.

Ive chosen only to use Tumblr for journaling my journey and for no use of entertainment. I won't be posting or searching for things. My focus is on myself and my pessimistic way of life being turned around for the better.

I start with a new sober date for my own reasoning. Not of drug use but of negative lifestyle. October will hold a whole new meaning next year for me as we have decided to have our wedding on my fathers birthday in the year of 2020. The year he would make 53 and 12 days shy of him being taken from this world for 6 whole years. I am incredibly excited as I know that I am finally willing to let go of my old life, past grudges, and move forward with my life.

More later.

Xoxo,

Chels

[wewontliveforeversomakeitworthit]

My Story

Hi, my name is Lisa and I am an alcoholic. My sobriety date is January 3rd 2017 I have a home group, love and service in Rochester NY, i have a sponsor, i have a service position and I am currently working the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. Today I shared at the forensics unit at our psych center and nothing came out right and i didn’t actually know how to share my story so I’m going to try to gather my thoughts and share it on here before my next share. I grew up in what would appear to be just a totally normal middle class home in Henrietta NY. I have 4 older sisters and 2 incredibly loving amazing supportive and sometimes absolutely insane parents. While i was growing up I felt exactly how alot of people say that they did too, i felt different, left out and not good enough for anybody. In elementary school I was already a compulsive liar, telling people that i had boyfriends and stupid stuff like that. I turned to food to hide my feelings and to hide myself and that turned into me being bullied for being over weight. And even from that young age i took the things that those people said to me straight to heart and it was gospel and they were right, I was fat, i had awful acne, i was ugly and nobody would ever love me because of my appearance. I decided I wanted to lose that weight when i was going into 8th grade and I lost some of it and was actually pretty normal for the most part at that time. I then thought i was completely in love with a guy in 8th grade who was also my best friend and we hung out over that winter break and i thought something was going to happen, like obviously we were going to be in love and get married but instead he told me that he didn’t want me in that way, turns out hes actually gay now but it sent me on a downward spiral into mental illness that was lurking in the shadows of my life since I could think. I developed anorexia and starved myself every day until i got down to about 100lbs, my family and I went on vacation and being around them i wasn’t able to eat (well not eat) the way that I was. I cried every single night on that vacation because of how utterly disgusted with myself i was. I then came home and developed bulimia because the control of the starving was completely gone. But the night that boy told me he didn’t want me, something else happened. I drank, it was NYE at my sisters house and I was 14 years old, her friends asked me if i wanted a drink and god did i want a drink. I wanted to feel the careless joy the people around me were feeling. They made the mistake of showing me where their green tea vodka was and i started drinking and didn’t stop until it was gone. I remember while i was drinking that something inside of me started to change, i wasn’t shy and concerned with what other people were thinking of me anymore, i didn’t care at all about anything. I remember my tongue and my cheeks getting numb and i was on cloud nine.  After that night i was too preoccupied with my ED to give a fuck about drinking or drugging until bulimia came into play. I started snorting adderall so that i wouldnt eat and that went on through ninth grade until i went to program for my eating disorder and those people saved me from dying from that disease. But after i got out of that program, life got real. I had about a year of decent normalcy but at the beginning of my junior year things started to progress. I started to not give a shit about school at all, i started skipping classes and going to parties on weekends and drinking whenever it was an option for me. I started dating guys who were really just not good people and i had only one friend. We went out when we could but it never dawned on me that I was drinking any differently than any of the other kids i was around because really I wasn’t but the way it was affecting me and the way i was thinking about it was COMPLETELY different from those kids. They would stop drinking so they could drive home or they literally had DD’s but to be honest i dont remember much about those couple of years. I graduated highschool early because i hated literally everyone and i was convinced that they all hated me and judged me because most of the time they did. In my senior year i started using the tinder app and i would go over to random guys houses and meet them and every time that happened id get to drink, in my bio it even said “alcohol enthusiast”. boy was i wrong. I thought it was normal to do what i was doing, i really didnt think twice about it. Meeting these guys and being able to get black out drunk and then maybe sleep with them just seemed like a normal thing to do. Until my parents started asking questions about where i was going and why there were alcohol containers in my car and i would lie and say they were someone elses but theyre not stupid they knew they were mine. Things slowed down a little while i was in my first couple semesters of nursing school, i still drank but just on weekends with my boyfriend at the time and his roommates, and i thought i was drinking normally but i guess blacking out and starting fights on purpose because of your drinking isn’t neccesarily normal. I wouldn’t walk around the park ave area with him at night time unless he wanted to drink and that became a norm for me. I needed a drink if i was going to do anything at all, go to the movies? drink. hang out with literally anyone? drink. watching some tv? drink. While my boyfriend at the time went on vacation for christmas i decided to go to a party because if i saw anything about anyone drinking on social media i was on top of it, i made sure i had a way to get drunk whenever and i went to that party and i did cocaine for the second time in my life. the first time i really dont remember much but it was before i had met Kenny. So he went away and I went to a harmless party and kept my drinks near me like they were my children. I heard they were doing shots downstairs and i went down there and took probably 7 tequila shots in a row and blacked out, i came too when i started doing lines and by the time it was 7am i was calling him asking him to help me. That was a thing of mine, was to get drunk one place and then message or text as many people as possible to help me because i needed to go somewhere else or do something else because i didn’t want the fun to end. I kept on drinking the way i was drinking but because of how sick and awful i had felt i didn’t touch drugs again for a little while but i did wind up finding them again. but then all of a sudden over the summer of last year, shit hit the fan. I was drinking every single night and one night i went and hungout with a guy i had met probably on tinder and he said he needed to stop by a friends house for a birthday gift and i was like oh yeah ok cool, turns out his friend was the supplier for the whole town he lived in and she offered me some and i actually said no. i scolded him for his awful decision making and we went to Durand beach to get drunk and by the end of that night i had at some point asked if i could have some of his drugs so that i could safely drive home and obviously he said yes and then life went crazy. i went back to durand with that same person but met a whole bunch of other people and some how met a small group of people another time on that night and i wish i had clearer details but i was really a black out drinker and i wouldnt come to unless i had something else in my system. So we met this other smaller group of people and my life changed. some how i started attracting people who had what i thought i needed and wanted and id switch back and forth between these peoples houses getting free drinks and drugs and staying up for days at a time and not coming home and moving from job to job trying to keep my head above water. I wouldn’t stop thinking about being able to get the next drink or drug. Id go to morning classes after not sleeping in two days and be completely strung out or just not go at all. I got to a point where i couldnt drink without putting a drug in my system and i tried. I tried to stop myself from getting too drunk by switching drinks or not having as many and i was convinced i didn’t have a problem because i didn’t drink during the day so i clearly wasn’t an alcoholic. I would try to drink around people who didn’t approve of me doing drugs and i still somehow managed to go from house to house to house getting drinks and drugs until there was nothing left. One night i was at a house with all of these people i had been drinking and drugging with who i thought i really was just living the life with and i went upstairs and had a panic attack. I wanted to go home because something in me created a feeling that told me i no longer belonged there. So after 3 days of not being home and countless cries for help to my therapist and other people i called my parents at 4am and told them i was coming home and sobbing i told them i needed to talk to them. That night i told them about what i had been doing and got myself an intake appointment for outpatient. And i still at that point thought i probably only had a drug problem and that it wasn’t the drinking. i really didnt think it was the drinking. But once i started outpatient, i couldnt for life of me stay sober but i wanted it i really did. and when i tell you that night i went home that i was desperate for help i mean i wanted to die. i spent so many days of coming down just praying for god to take my life because truly i couldn’t live it anymore. Times id come home so sick and dehydrated my mom would have to run IV’s through me and id lay on that bathroom floor wishing it would all just end. I had known about AA but it was introduced to me through a girl in my outpatient and she told me she was going to a meeting and i told her i wanted to go. I had just relapsed for what would be the last time and i wanted to be sober more than anything and i couldn’t handle the constant relapses. My first AA meeting was wits end when it was upstairs at Rosedale and i was not buying any of it. I was convinced that all those young people car pooling were getting drunk directly after the meeting and that they were all just liars and fakes. I was texting someone ABOUT getting drunk at that meeting but luckily nobody would comply because on that Sunday i went to a womens meeting in fairport and i felt so engulfed with love and acceptance it was incredible. These women gave me a coin and hugged me and even though they talked about god they were something i hadnt experienced in a long time and that was happy without needing a drink or a drug to do it. I was handed that 24 hour coin and I decided maybe I’d do a couple more of these meeting things but i wouldn’t get involved like they were. My friend and i started going to a 5:30 meeting that was mostly old people or people off the street who were drunk but i stuck around for long enough to meet Pat and he was the FIRST person i heard share within my 2 months of meetings that i could actually relate to and for the first time i went up and talked to someone after they spoke and i told him how much i related and he told me to go to his home group Love and Service and that he wanted to introduce me to someone and that someone turned out to be my sponsor. I had no idea what i was doing and i knew that if i didn’t start to actually do something other than meetings that i was going to drink again and i didn’t want that for myself anymore. So my sponsor and i didnt even discuss her sponsoring me it just happened and she told me to get phone numbers and find a home group and a service position and it took me a couple weeks but i did it. meanwhile, my friend who introduced me to AA asked me if i was calling my sponsor every day and i was like uhhhh what do you mean call her everyday?????? and my friends like yeah duh thats like an unspoken aa rule and i called my sponsor right after that i was like OMG IM SO SORRY I DIDNT KNOW I WAS SUPPOSED TO CALL YOU EVERY DAY. Mostly i just didn’t have any idea how the hell to communicate with people anymore without being drunk. My social awkwardness was at level 100 and im still working on that lol. but we met up and she started to pray and she said “hey god” in the beginning of the prayer like he was just a friend and i was like oh good i got a crazy one idk how well this is gunna workout. but she started taking me through the book and something else changed, i started to grow. this is the longest ive ever done literally anything in my life and it has changed my life drastically already even just at almost 6 months sober. Today I have a full time job that i actually go to every day, today I’m able to be a daughter, a sister, a friend. Today I am learning who i am and how to deal with life on lifes terms and im becoming patient and im just in this constant growth and its absolutely amazing. I’ve found a higher power that i dont understand at all but I know its there and im able to learn things about myself every day and get called out when i’m wrong and just begin to actually live and its amazing. I’m still a work in progress but I am so beyond grateful to be here. Thank you

[crumpledjournal]

5.2.17

so apparently my school does this program where kids can head out into the woods for a weekend every once in a while and just… talk it out i guess. that was this past weekend, Ma (not my mom, a friend) told me to go. my old history teacher had been plugging for the trip for years, but id never actually gone. never thought id be able to explain wanting to go have a feelings jam with a buncha other kids in the woods to my dad. i didnt really until i came back and recapped a little (honoring the agreement i signed before going to not share anyones story from the trip).

on the one hand, i feel so fucking healthy!!! i feel like i have subsisted for the past year off of nothing but avocado smoothies and kale juice and like i have been doing yoga for 85 hours a day and like i finally met a person or two who i can actually speak my mind to and get more than just a “sure dude.” like, good lord does this feel good

i mean, thats what i told Ge and Di and i genuinely believe it. (both Di and i knew basically nobody other than eachother and we were alone in a sea of strangers for the first few hours.)

dont get me wrong, i feel lots better. i got a lot off of my chest. but there was also a lot left unsaid on my part. out of all the people there (about 90) there were two others who shared that they were genderqueer (and there were only like two other people who brought up the topic at all). one of them i had some p bad experiences with in middle school. the other was a student leader and facilitator of the trip, so Re (the leader) didnt really have a lot of time to talk, and in the discussions Re was mostly asking questions and… well, facilitating. plus, gender came up like once. and Re was not there.

but i was! it was nice to talk a little. i was in a meeting with the school principal about installing gender neutral bathrooms at the school a week or two ago and i talked about that with them, and i told them that being genderqueer goes waywaywayway back and lots of other stuff, i guess. but i didnt say anything about my experiences with being genderqueer, really.

and damn did i want to! idk if yall have picked up on this yet (all none of you) but talking to people about my shit is just so healing for me. thats why i have a public journal! like, talking to equals and feeling heard. i could tell my mom or the school therapist (and i do, often) about my shit and its cool, theyre supportive and shit, but since i started this class ive had no time to keep up old friendships that were based around hanging out. like, were still friends i guess, but… playing minigolf over text is just not the same, man.

there was this thing last night where from like, right after dinner until about 3 in the morning, we talked. people had seven minutes that they could use however they wanted in front of the whole group, and it was just their job to listen. and let me tell you, id been crafting my seven minutes for like, three hours before my name came up. the thing is, i planned like twenty minutes of monologue. i talked about a bunch of the family stuff ive got and that was real cathartic. i also got to talk about my struggles with depression, which was a real common topic. but… ive been thinking about the possibility of myself being a trans girl really, really hard over the past couple of months, and i still havent shared that other than with the people whove read this journal.

which is nobody, other than a couple people browsing tags when i talked about moana a little while ago. i havent told that many people i write this, but. i kinda trusted those who i did to read it i guess.

i dunno. i think im most afraid that im not going to have any healthy girl friendships. i see all these women and girls and they have such supportive relationships with eachother. i see it every day. holy shit, if you havent seen the rage and passion with which girls defend their true friends… Hoo Boy.

and im so worried i wont have that! like. i love being agender, and it’s wonderful to have the ability and the knowledge and the acceptance to be an out nonbinary person and not really have so many problems stemming from that in my life. but i have this fear that that ill be in this purgatory of a questioning period for just long enough that when i finally make up my goddamn mind and trust my conviction enough to come out as a trans girl ill have lost the opportunity to have these wonderful, girl-to-girl relationships. as an agender person i feel like so much of an intruder in these female spaces.

Like, Ha (who I met on the trip) was so wonderful and badass, especially considering the amount of shit shes had to go through. jimminy christmas, shes fucking strong. i try not to gender people here but when the topic is gender itself that kind of context feels crucial… but anyways. she came and sat with me when i was eating lunch alone in the corner and brought a couple other girls and. i mean, some of the body language of the others kind of told me they werent super interested in me being there but… it felt… so good. just to be in a female space, just to be included there for the most part, without cis guys around that i would get lumped with.

but then i think i had a panic attack like, near to immediately after that, because i felt like i was making them incredibly uncomfortable by being an intruder in their female space. and when my female friends were having a hard time during the trip (as often happened) i felt like it wasnt my place to comfort them and that as a natal male i would just make them more uncomfortable and they would doubt their friendship with me because so many guys just take advantage of women when they’re at their lowest emotional state and that’s the last thing i want to be seen as and i tried to hug a few women who were having a really hard time over the course of the trip but i just got this churning in my stomach because i might make it worse if i make them think i just want to hug them so i can feel them aginst my stupid fucking body and if i keep writing this sentence then im going to have another panic attack

i dont know what to do. i dont know who to talk to because despite the number of people who said i could come to them this weekend, nobody else talked about gender shit, and those genderqueer people who i do know have just told me to look into my heart and shit, which doesnt help because thats what ive been trying to do. i feel like i cant talk to women because to them ill just be another guy who’s venting because he feels like he can dump all his emotional shit on the closest woman (especially women i just met on the trip, i couldnt ask them to spend however long it takes out of their day to read this when i just met them). i feel like i cant talk to men because if theyre not transphobic to begin with, they either refuse to talk about emotional shit, or can neither relate to feeling like they wont have any healthy girl-to-girl friendships nor realte to being genderqueer. i know im going to send this little essay to somebody soon because i just need to hear at least one other persons thoughts but i dont know who its going to be

and on top of all of that i keep getting these stomach aches at mealtimes and no other time of day and i dont know if it was the confessions from people with eating disorders or something else but my stomach aches and then i dont eat and then it aches because im hungry until the next meal when it aches again and i cant eat and when youre choosing between not eating or eating and feeling like you want to throw up, do you have an eating disorder already? i dont know anything thats going on with my body and im depressed and i feel so ashamed because there were so many people who had stories that felt so much more real than just a pronoun and a stomach ache and they spent their seven minutes with what seemed like no regrets about not having shared things and here i am writing a fucking dissertation pity paper about myself because i feel like it wasnt enough time to talk about my dumb fucking problems even though what i have aint shit and if i fall into the spiral of ands i legitimately will have a worse panic attack and i dont know who i can comfortably ask to do the fucking weightlifting championship level shit that is required to do the emotional heavy lifting and read bullshit im putting on the page without feeling like im inconveniencing them to the nth degree

so i guess thats where im at

[animal71154]

alright. i mean this is how i deal with everything in my life so its unlikely that itll turn out to have been the Exact Wrong Thing to Do..big ol warn for csa chit chat ! :9

like. ok to give some clarity, before a few hours ago i just assumed that everyone had had intimate sexual contact at around 7 y.o. these havent been troublesome memories for me at least consciously. but you know on a base level i always knew it shouldnt have happened, but i felt like it must have just been our fault. but one time i very vaguely brought it up to my mum a few years ago and i got the impression that she knew it was happening and just..didnt really give a shit? she referred to it as a ‘rude awakening’. not..not quite mum lol

like man idk,my parents arent evil or anything but jesus christ they managed to fuck up some pretty basic shit. my mum bought me and said other child tiny child-sized g-strings as a joke. we were 7. dunno what else to add to this memento, just like me staring into the camera for an hour with tired,tired eyes

and i mean hell. on twitter i saw someone talking about how their dad would always Smash his way into their room when he was angry with them,and how they would be so so afraid and would pile furniture in front of the door but he would still always get through,and how much those experiences fucked them up. and like!!!! BITCH SAME!!!!!!!!!!!SAAAAAME when i was a kid i actually always got sudden fight or flight impulses to kick and punch and stab my parents when they did that!!! COOL,guys, nice awesome parenting you got there! and like my dad would and still does get extremely physical when he got angry, so id always Know that his expression and stomping was a metaphor for I Want To Fucking Deck This Child

i have no idea at this point if it was real or a nightmare at this point but i have such a specific memory of me accidentally spraying water from the hose into the tent that my dad was setting up on the back lawn to test that it worked. my friend was there,we were playing. and he was so angry that i got water inside the tent that he dragged me up the stairs and down the hall into my room by my ponytail. i told a therapist about this once and she told my mum and boy she was fuming, she told my 11 year old ass that my dad was ‘on trial now’ and that our family was gonna be torn apart because of me, and then i wasnt allowed to talk to therapists alone until the gender shit started and i got a guy who wasn’t a complete fucking moron lmao. seriously tho who does that

i dunno man!! its like….regardless of how hard they were trying or how autistic they both are, occasionally ill just suffer weeks of these repetitive nightmares where im desperately trying to run away from home and my parents, and im jumping all these fences and going through other people’s yards and getting completely lost but they still find me and one time i actually woke up in pain from my fake dad punching me in my fake dream face. for a while when i was living at courtneys place i couldnt wear toenail polish because i would be kicking the wall so hard through the night that it would leave marks on the wall by the bed

haha man my heart is pounding just thinking about those nightmares, now that ive moved fully out theyre kinda just like thrilling action films to me..still pretty awks how much i fantasised about murdering my parents as a kid and how they never seem to have cared about any of the times ive gone thru traumatic experiences and have pretty much just blamed me for them every time

whatever tho ems the breaks i just have to sort my own shit out now somehow. now that I’ve moved out its mostly just revealed how pathetic and broken they both are as people and i mostly just want to keep my mum company cos shes old as fuck and my dad doesn’t seem to be even pretending to give a shit about her now that I’m gone. plus they look after my rat since i cant keep him in my flat -___- ANYWAY. Thets My Storey . tune in next time for 'I Never Build Any Of My Bridges To Begin With But At Least They’re Not Burning’