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damn-stark · 4 years ago

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I Won’t Say (I’m in Love)

Chapter 8 of Dark Temptations

A/N- oh my gosh I love this chapter and I’m also so excited to finally write the next one!! Like I’ve been looking forward to writing it since I thought of this series! It’s going to be a banger! Anyway I hope you all like this one :) let me know what you thought?! Also this chapter was inspired by the song ‘Won’t say (I’m in Love) by Susan Egan’ and these gifs are not mine, so credits to who made them :)

Warning- swearing, Poe being Poe ;), slow burn, angst, violence, dark rey, slight talks of bullying but just so slightly (just needed to add cause I know it can be triggering for some people) fluff! Long chapter..

Pairing- Dark!Poe x Skywalker!reader

(Let me know if you wanna be tagged)

————

“Hurry up and blow out the candle,” Jacen insisted as he walked into the room and let his hand hover behind your head; showing Ben his intentions with a wink behind you. “And then tell me what you wished for.”

You snort, “I’ll tell you now. A better brother.”

“Y/N.” Your father warned in a soft voice.

You shrug not being sorry for your comment before swatting Jacen’s hand away. Hearing him groan and seeing him sit across from you with half of his face hidden behind the candles burning flame, trying to insist you to blow out the candles again until you pointed something out first, “isn’t Poe coming?”

Ben answers behind you before Jacen could, sounding somewhat disappointed. “He would’ve been here already, so no, I don’t think so.”

You sigh and for a moment you’re as disappointed as Ben and Jacen. Or even more so. But it’s only for a moment as you manage to pull your smile back on and concentrate on the candle waiting to be blown out.

Grinning wider as you saw your family waiting (ghosts included) in front of you; smiling and singing the usual tune sang at one's birthday. Happiness overfilling the premises of the room for the single event of something so small yet significant; Clapping joyfully as you finally inhaled a puff of air and then happily blew it out to put out the single burning flame. Unknowingly blowing out the last moment of happiness and the only fire you would ever be able to put out.

Because as night crept along, so did the horrors of a raging fire crawl along. Bringing burning misery and leaving nothing but the ashes of the happy moments.

——

Deafening silence transpired in the space of the room, as from the depths of the couch your eyes captured every dancing color painted in the nubla clouded outside the transparisteel of the room. Noting the beautiful crimson light reflected on the warm skin of your hand and the entirety of your resting and slouching body. Feeling a salty taste kiss the corner of your lips as wretched tears rolled down the curve of your cheeks; trying to ignore the somber fact however as you admired the blue and green colors from the rest of the nubla parading around and basking the entirety of the room in its hues.

Feeling an almost vacant mind while you tried to numb the emotions that connected to this day, regretting even accepting Poe’s offer to accompany him wherever it was he was going to.

You should’ve just said no and let him have a fit instead, all you felt like doing today was nothing but sit in the echoes of your silence.

You didn’t even feel like getting up to open the door as a soft knock sounded on it. But it was a problem quickly resolved as the familiar swooshing sound hit your ears, signifying that someone opened it. Someone that basing off the soft footsteps on the floor, was Finn.

And identifying that, you wiped the tears off your cheeks, managing a small smile before turning around on the couch to face him, noticing right away an obvious mischievous intent written on his grinning face and hidden hands behind his back.

Your eyebrows pinch together and you fly up to sit up straight and instantly question him. “What? What’s going on? What are you doing?”

Finn says nothing and only gets an almost boyish grin as you follow him all the way until he comes around to stand before you, making you more nervous than sad now.

“Finn—”

“Happy birthday!” He sang as he swung his arm back around in front of him, revealing a small white round cake with a single candle on it.

“Oh stars, no,” you muffle out as you hide your burning face and wet cheeks in your hands, unable to contain the giddy smile on your lips. “How did you find out?”

He chuckles proudly and you feel the empty spot beside you sink down. “I have my ways.”

“You stalked me.”

“Researched!” He corrects you, moving the hands away from your face to show the cake in front of you.

You smirk and meet his gaze. “Same thing, stalker.”

“Whatever.” he huffs before the same excited grin grows on his lips; noting at that instant as the blue and green hues of the nebula clouded outside basked his face, how handsome he really was and much kinder his grin looked. It was truly admirable just like his kind gesture. “Happy birthday y/n.”

“Thank you Finn.” You finally say softly, blinking down as he lit the candle and pushed the cake closer.

“Make a wish and blow it out.”

“Oh jeez,” you sigh, “I haven’t done this in seven years. How do you do it again?”

Finn chuckles and plays along, “you inhale a little bit of air and then blow it out on the candle. Just don’t spray it out.”

“Gotcha.” Sharing one last smile you inhale a little bit, hesitating for a moment as you actually thought of a wish for his sake...and maybe yours. Watching the single dancing flame on the candle and feeling it captivate you as your memories began to flash in your mind for a fleeting moment. A single second before you forced yourself to blow out the candle and smile.

With a wider grin Finn then puts down the cake to face you and ask the usual, “What did you wish for?”

You scoff, “I can’t say or it won’t come true. You do know that's an unspoken rule right?”

“Come on just a little snippet.”

With a sigh you choose to say it, knowing it wouldn’t really matter as the real sad wish you thought of would remain hidden in the depths of your brain. “I wished to be a jedi Master.”

His eyebrows knot together in confusion, “aren’t you...one?”

“Nope. Not yet, my father never had the chance to grant me the rank of master. I’ve been doomed to be a Jedi knight for the rest of my life like my grandfather was.” You share. The last sentence added as more of an inside joke between Ahoska, Master Kenobi and said person. Knowing that only two of the three would’ve gotten a good laugh and it would’ve been great. And as much as you longed to live through that moment now, all you could do was imagine such a scene.

Finn blinks, not understanding a word and choosing to continue without going deep into it. “So, I know it isn’t a lot but it’s done with a lot of love, okay?”

“Don’t worry about it, I love it.” You smile before moving to wrap him in a much needed embrace. “Thank you Finn. You’ve got a good heart.”

At those words, his hold tightens and he lets out a slow breath of air, responding with nothing but a slow building tension that was broken as the door slid open. Revealing as expected, Poe.

He froze by the door and he gave no reaction at first, not until he collected himself and let his gaze narrow on what he caught; hiding his weird, bothered emotions as he walked inside. Letting the door close behind him before speaking up once Finn and you broke apart. “Good morning you two.” His eyes drift to the table in front of the couch and then to Finn and you again. “What’s the occasion?”

Just as Finn was going to open his mouth, you cut him off. “Nothing. Finn just wanted cake this morning.”

“Hmm,” Poe walks over to sit on your other side, suppressing his threatening smile and instead leading with something different. “Well we’re leaving soon, so do what you need to do before then.”

You shoot him a pointed gaze and turn your back to him before huffing out as softly as you could, feeling your pout but hiding it as you took a piece of cake on a paper plate and began to eat it in your unwelcomed and sudden anger.

Poe knew what today was. You knew you told him multiple times before—roughly seven years ago, but still, it’s something you doubted he forgot.

Or maybe he did. And it shouldn’t matter! It didn’t!

Yet you remembered his birthday even after the passing years without seeing him. Why didn’t he remember—no it didn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. Yet your eyes began to water as if you did care and he fucking noticed—“hey Princess are you okay?”

“Don’t.” You hiss as you stand and sit on Finn's other side, hearing Poe instantly remark back.

“Here I thought we were making progress.”

Another huff escapes you and you ignore him, feeling your anger burn more. Knowing at that instant that it did.

It did matter.

——

If there was a prize for rotten judgment you would be the sole grand winner for choosing to care so much about something so minuscule like remembering a birthday you haven’t celebrated for so long until this day because of Finn! But it's not like you were choosing to actually care, you didn’t want to at all. Who cared, right? Who cared about Poe remembering. Not you, nope.

Yet it felt so aggravating!

Like you wanted to grab him by the collar of his shirt and punch his nose, or just cry. Either choice—but he wasn’t even worth all this anger you felt boiling inside, or the crazy knotted up mess that was your thought process right now. He wasn’t worth you getting worked up. He wasn’t, and thinking so, you finally chose to expel out all the negativity and...other, with a deep breath in and a deep, relaxed breath out.

“Y/N.”

Fuck.

You grumble, “what?”

Poe stays silent for a second at the sound of your response whilst he studies your face and then tries to suppress a smug smirk; instead distracting the temptation by pulling out a blaster from his holster and holding it in front of you. “Since we’re not really in a safe place I want you to take this for just in case.”

You glance down at the black blaster and manage an amused grin and a scoff. At that instant and only for that shared instant forgetting your anger for him. “What?”

“Take the blaster.” He explains bluntly.

This time a snort escapes you, “a blaster?”

“Yes.” Poe deadpans.

You quickly frown, “you’re serious.” Rubbing the bridge of your nose you sigh, “I can’t take it.”

“What? You don’t know how to use it?” Poe asks smugly.

“No, I do, but it’s just not me….blasters are just so….” your face scrunches up and you pick up the blaster with the tip of your fingers in an almost disgusted manner. “They’re just so—can I use my lightsaber instead?”

Poe shakes his head, “no, I don’t trust you with them. You’re too good with them, you could cut my team without blinking and then leave, so no, sorry Princess, you get what you get.” He then follows by leaning closer and maneuvering your hand to the parts of the blaster. “And if you don’t know how to use it; hit the trigger and then shoot with this end pointing at the enemy.”

You frown and anger boils up again, watching him shoot you a smirk before his face was hidden behind the features of his black helmet, waving you over to follow him and his squadron; that was surprisingly made up of more of his black armored stormtroopers this time.

But as he did instruct you to follow, you didn’t and just fell by Finn's side. “What are we doing on Navarro anyway?” You question the only person you talked to outside of Poe and the only one you weren’t currently upset at. “I doubt we’re here for the Twi’Lek healing baths.”

“Nomad is here to meet with someone.”

“Who?” You interject rather quickly.

Finn shrugs, “a collector and bounty hunter; some Mandalorian. I don’t know he was being cagey.”

You hum and think out loud, “I didn’t know they existed anymore.” But then come to another conclusion, “but why did he bring me? There's no need for me here.”

“You prefer being in your room?” Finn counters.

“Well...no, but I just...nevermind.” Expressing one last huff you don’t finish what you’re going to say and instead focus on the tavern you were guided too, noting right away the few people inside all minding their business until Nomad and his pack of plastic followers walk inside disrupting the peace. Building a thick tension in the small area that only thickened as in the corner sat a single Mandalorian in red and white armor, it’s head lifting to most likely look at the man it was waiting for; following his movements as he turned back around and walked towards Finn and you.

“I’ll be back, I need to handle something, stay here while I’m gone.” Nomad instructs, his helmet facing Finn and then turning to face you. “Use the blaster if you need it, okay?”

You roll your eyes and cross your arms over your chest while you look away and hear him and his squadron leave through a back door, leaving only a selected few to patrol the area. Leaving Finn and you to sit on the bar in silence that he was quick to break with an enthusiastic question. “Birthday drinks?”

A smile even if you tried can’t help but spread on your lips.You weren’t much for drinking, only on rare occasions, but you knew he was excited and his gesture was meaningful, so you had no choice but to accept. Being left alone, or well not really, but since none of the other troopers were even close or paying attention, you were basically alone while Finn went to get what he offered; a poor and unintentional choice on his behalf since you were quick to get lost in your loud thoughts. Still absorbed by the stupid anger Poe’s forgetfulness left you in.

Unaware of the fact as you fought your thoughts and feelings that someone beside you was eyeing you, recognizing you straight away and speaking out loud in a voice that both startled you and sounded so familiar. “Y/N?”

Your eyes widen and with one hand you try to reach for your blaster, but freeze as from the corner of your eye the face registers in your mind. “Uncle Lando.”

“Kid, what are you doing here? Your—”

“Shh,” you breathe out, dropping your hand back to your side and picking up your guard—only not for the man sitting beside you, but of who could walk through those doors at any moment. “You know I would’ve loved to catch up any other time, but as of right now I’m sorry to cut this meeting short.” Snatching a napkin left on the bar you then have to ask, “do you have something to write with?”

He blinks but takes out something, handing it to you as he asks. “You’re with the first order aren’t you? What can I do?”

You glance around and shake your head, not hesitating even for a moment to jot down the old and new piece of information you had collected; “I want you to take these coordinates and transmit them only to C3PO or Artoo, no one else. They can give it to Ben or my aunt Leia.” You smile as you pass the piece of information to him, having to look ahead as to not give him away. “Don’t try and fight these people, just take it okay?”

He hesitates at your instructions, wanting just like his group of his friends to break the rules. But unlike them he was more rational and did what he was told. Thank the force—“okay I’ll do it now.” He stands up to leave, but before he does he walks behind you and hastily as well as briefly wraps his arm around your shoulders. “Happy birthday, junior. Hope we cross paths under better circumstances soon.”

You grin and want so badly to leave with the man next to you, but knowing if you did you'd put his life in danger. So for now all you had to do was wish and watch him leave—“we will. Thank you, uncle Lando.”

Before he leaves he places a very gracious amount of money on the table in front of you—A present you quickly came to recognize. And like all the times before, an expensive one.

“Hey, sorry I took forever. I almost had to fight some women for these drinks.” Finn finally returns whilst explaining in an annoyed tone.

“No worries,” you dismiss him, turning your head to watch him place the drinks in front of you. “Now I won’t have to think of my escape.” You feign a laugh, seeing him hesitate as he saw the money before you.

“Where’d you get that?”

“Oh,” dragging the money off the table, you shove it into your pocket and offer him a reassuring smile. “Poe gave it to me. I was just counting it.” Avoiding having to explain further, you take a big gulp of your drink and feel the tension rise again. This time it was something that lasted until you finished your blue drink, slamming the cup down and shooting Finn an innocent smile he didn’t find a meaning behind. Instead drank his own blue drink, making a distasteful face as the liquid hit his tongue. Beginning to mutter something until he stopped himself and put his helmet back on, staying seated and making you anxious at the sudden drop in mood and raise in tensed silence.

Silence broken by a blunt, “we have to go.”

Having no other choice, you follow Finn and the rest of the left over stormtroopers out, finding it strange right away as they were all sent back to the ship. All except for the both of you that kept walking deeper into the small town and then out, walking on grey stone and feeling the blaze from the distant lava that scattered around the planet. Seeing nothing for a couple of miles but sad, grey scenery; both in land and above. Spotting a couple long minutes later of endless walking, Nomad and two others behind him; in front of them the Mandalorian that you saw before, it’s helmet turning to face you, tilting slightly too whilst stopping its words it muttered to try to step towards you. It’s attempts stopped quickly as Nomad blocked its path.

“Tell you what, General, new deal. The girl for what you seek.”

Nomad doesn’t even take time to think of his answer, snapping back in an intimidating modified voice. “No. That was never the deal.”

The Mandalorian lets out a loud huff and places its hands on the handles of its blasters. “There's a bounty on her head worth more than your pounds of gold placed by her family. Do you know who she is or need I inform you?”

“She wouldn’t be with me if I didn’t know,” Nomad countered, his own gloved hand going to the handle of his vibrosword. “And she’s not some prize you can just take, or fight for. She was never the deal. We have our deal. Take it—”

“I’ll leave it.” The Mandalorian snaps back, in a blink of an eye, pulling out its blasters and shooting the two stormtroopers behind Nomad before threatening said man with its loaded blasters. Both pointing at one another with their weapons. Leaving Finn and you still in the same position as before, your own weapons ready just in case. “I’m taking the girl. Deals off whether you like it or not.”

“No.” Nomad argued sharply, “I need what you promised!”

The Mandalorians head tilts and it clicks its tongue under its helmet. “And I said, deals. Off. Tell your master that if he wants it he can come get it himself.”

Nomad’s hold tightens around his vibrosword, his head turning to face you for a moment that seemed like it was forever when in fact it was only a minute. One minute he took before he spun on the back of his heels to pull out his other blaster and shoot a man that had jumped out of hiding. A sudden action that caused you to gasp and be left in a silent surprise; an expression that lasted only seconds as a cascade of unfortunate events unfolded because of who Nomad shot.

Forcing you to hide after your blaster was shot out of your hand, not noticing Finn knocked out until he fell unconscious next to you.

“Finn?!” You suddenly cried out, catching the approaching gang of scoundrels rush towards you with determined and raging glares. Causing you to jump to your feet and look beside you to notice the blaster consumed by the small lake of lava. “Shit.” You look ahead again and see the gang approaching fast, but in the chaos that the day turned out to be, you also saw the freedom you craved as Nomad was weaponless on the ground just feet away.

Leaving him to get killed by the Mandalorian would make everything much easier, make your own goals be accomplished, make these people, even if it was for the money, take you back to the family you missed, closer to feel the force flow within you again.

Nothing would be easier than to give yourself in. But again as your eyes fell on Nomad your mind fought the battle that brewed inside you too, outweighing the choice to leave and leaving you with nothing but your own morality and despair to reach him in time. An insistence that made you break into an adrenaline packed sprint, feeling as the hot wind hit your face like you were running almost in slow motion, feeling like you were unable to reach him in time to stop the Mandalorian. Feeling utterly helpless without the force you needed, feeling the inkling of the same feelings you felt that night seven years ago.

But unlike that tragic night, this time you ran fast enough, you managed to reach Nomad before he was killed. Managing to pick his vibrosword off the ground and sliding on your feet to land perfectly in between the two, redirecting the blast the Mandalorian shot with the blade in your hand, hitting his unprotected throat and seeing in a matter of seconds its body fall lifeless to the warm ground.

The sight made you smirk just as you got to your given height and faced the now stunned gang, their bravery even if you couldn’t feel it through force, dwindling and burning away as they saw their leader dead by your feet. Some daring to come after you, but stopped as Finn awoke from his short unwanted slumber and shot them down in an act of surprise. Leaving the weak to run away before they could be killed too.

“Are you okay?!” Finn yelled out from where he was, wobbling as he struggled to get back to his feet.

You shot him a thumbs up as a response before turning to face a helmetless Poe struggling to get up. His brown eyes slowly lifting to notice your hand out in front of him before they locked with your own gaze. Noticing the small assuring smile that hid the sizzling anger you still felt towards him.

——

“Do you need help?” You ask Poe hesitantly. Not because you didn’t want to help him stitch his wound, but because for the past ten minutes after returning to the ship, you’ve fought yet another battle inside your mind on whether you should come help. Feeling the anger never leave, poisoning your mind more and more the deeper you thought of him forgetting a fact that he most likely didn’t care about.

Thinking about it now still made you boil over.

It was stupid and annoying, but it admittedly hurt the deepest chambers of your heart. Your uncle Lando’s comment only cured so much.

Why? Why did it have to be like this?

“I,” Poe’s eyes go from the needle in his hand and then lift up to you, sighing out his response as he pushes his hand out to you, “yeah, could you please.”

You offer a quick nod and wash your hands before walking towards him, swallowing thickly as you tried to ignore the sight of his exposed upper body, or the feeling of his warm skin under the tip of your fingers. Concentrating instead on the bad stitching on his still very much open wound that bled on his shoulder. “H-how were you even trying to do this without a mirror?”

His head lowers and he shrugs his right unharmed shoulder, sighing deeply while his head rises again, wanting to look over his shoulder to look at you, but deciding to keep his eyes on the wall instead. “Why did you come back? You could’ve let them take you back to your family, away from where you’re heading back to. Why did you even save me? I thought you hated me.”

You stop what you’re doing at his questions, leaving one of your palms resting on his smooth back, while your other hand held onto the needle, hearing your heartbeat suddenly pick up its rhythm inside your chest. Your mind hesitating for a moment to answer with the responses you had no time in coming up with. Truthfully it was a surprise you were even going to answer him the way you were—“because it was the right thing to do.”

“What? Come back to your cell?” He interjected.

You sigh, choosing to continue with what you had been doing as you continued to explain. “No, go back and help you. It was the right thing to do, I couldn’t just let you die; no matter what you’ve done. I wasn’t raised like that.” You let silence surround the small room for a brief moment to really piece your answer for his last question, feeling tension grow between you both the longer you remained quiet. Answering abruptly only before he could utter a word. “And I don’t hate you.”

Another brief pause takes place, this much quicker to break than the other. “I don’t hate anyone. Hate doesn’t lead you to anything good, I’ve learned that the hard way.”

Poe responds with silence, his head once again lowering after you finished, his body remaining still with only his eyes following your figure moving around the room until you stayed leaning by the cot across from him, speaking just above a whisper. “Well, thank you.”

You sigh and force a smile, “yeah.” With nothing else shared, you push your body off the cot and only take one step before Poe stops you.

“Wait, don’t go just yet.”

Your eyes flicker up to him and your heart races all over again.

“Now that we're alone, I wanted to give you something.” Poe reaches for his coat, digging his hand into a pocket hidden inside the clothing to pull out a small square silver box.

You scoff, “if it’s a pack of cigarras, thank you but I told you I don’t find them appealing.”

A small smile tugs on his lips as he shakes his head to turn down your comment. “It’s not that, just open it.” he extends his hand out to offer you the small box; making your face burn hotter than the lava that surrounded Navarra, causing your stomach and heart alike to do all types of flips inside you. Making your attempts slow as you took the box from his hand, feeling your fingers brush against his, but that particular feeling so small and unmatched to the feeling exploding within you now as you held the box in your hands.

“Okay,” you words tremble, glancing at him and then back to the box to pull the top off. Hesitating for a moment as you notice a small white silk cloth covering what was underneath; thinking at that instant, fuck, fuck, fuck—but continuing nonethless with shaky hands and a shaky breath that was suddenly sucked in as your eyes finally captured what the box contained.

Stars. Stupid…

“Poe…” you gasp, “what is this?”

He grins shyly, but also smugly. How did he do that?—“it’s a bracelet. I was going to give it to you in the morning, but Finn was there so I chose to save it for later.”

You try to swallow back a lump that had been quick to form in your throat as you studied the silver clasp snake chain charm bracelet inside the box; but you were unable to fully contain what threatened to show. Feeling your chest tighten more as your eyes stung with annoying tears the moment you also noticed the two silver star charms that were already decorating the bracelet. Poe’s continuing comment breaking you from your trance.

“I know you like admiring the stars from the room, and liked to do so even before, so now when you can’t see them outside you need only look down.” His voice softens and you swore by everything that you could hear his smile in his voice. “Happy birthday, sweetheart.”

No, no. Fuck, he can’t make you feel any type of warm and heart fluttering, exploding kind of way, no, no way. You were just angry at—fuck. Who were you kidding….

Finally being able to break away from the thoughts that barged through your mind, your eyes blink up to meet his already intent and soft gaze, hiding your watery gaze by going to him and wrapping him in a sudden embrace that caught him by complete surprise. Leaving him utterly clueless on what to do for a couple of seconds until your tightening hold snapped him back; letting him finally return your embrace with a hesitant hold at first, but soon tightening it around you just like you had with him. Hearing your words whispered by his ear that sent shivers down his spine—“thank you, Poe. You didn’t have to get me anything.”

Poe smirked and remarked your comment to try and hide what he felt brewing inside him. “You thought I forgot, didn't you?”

You scoff and break away instantly, lying straight through your teeth. “No, I didn’t actually.”

Poe snickered, “you did, I noticed you’ve been mad at me all day. But don’t worry I never forgot about you, Princess.”

Unable to give a coherent response you choose to scoff instead and choose to spin around to leave, not getting far as Poe caught your arm in time and whispered by your ear. “I’ve never forgotten about you,” he turns you around to face him again, the current position you were in making you squirm under his hold, unable to meet his eyes like you had moments ago. Hearing his lips part to add more instead—or rather nothing as he closed his mouth, not sharing what he planned and instead tilting your head up with his knuckle, making your eyes meet his dark ones. Letting him lean his face closer to you. Feeling his hand that was wrapped around your arm, slowly travel down to your hand, causing the hairs on the back of your neck to rise and your skin to grow goosebumps as his warm hand snaked past every inch of it.

The gentle touch almost felt in some ways euphoric or like that feeling when one drinks water in the middle of the night. It made you want to pull away but let him touch so much more. But he didn’t touch anything else, or say anything, he only smiled sweetly and began to gently caress your cheek.

“I-I” you stammer out before your eyes roam down to his lips, getting the strong temptation to just lean in and really, truly feel what his lips felt like, what they taste like and not having to only imagine it, or relay off a dream.

Every part of your body screamed at you to do it, nothing was stopping you; no sudden interruption or nagging thought to run away. You could and wanted to do it like you needed it to breathe—So you did it. You leaned in to close the gap without saying anything more, feeling your cheeks burn and your heart hammer inside your chest. All of it albeit brushing off as your lips brushed against his, but only that as he swiftly swerved you and kissed your cheek instead. Leaving you stiff and confused while he uttered words you barely caught. “Happy birthday, baby.” The teasing fuck then pulled away and moved around you, stopping as he reached the ships hall to throw back one comment you heard him say through gritted teeth, “Oh and Snoke wants to see you.”

First, fuck Poe; the anger you felt for him before had left your body, but now it returned with more raging fire. Second, great. This was going to be absolutely fantastic.

——

“Skywalker, it’s been some time.” Snoke greets coldly, not even acknowledging Poe on his knee next to you. “Truly your presence has been missed my friend.”

Ew.

Taking your silence and glare as a response, he proceeds by standing from his seat and walking down to be just a couple feet away to then wave someone over from behind you. His pale face soon thereafter decorated by an ugly wicked grin that you identified was caused by the brunette that walked to his side with a long hovering object at her side, and a sly smile shot at you.

“I have two gifts for you. One will be shown tomorrow in the form of a ball, or party, whichever term you may like to call it. But today my faithful apprentice and I both wanted to gift you something...special for such an important day.” Snoke continued proudly and with malicious intent, glancing at Rey to give her a knowing nod. “If you would.”

Rey doesn't hesitate and Poe stands to his feet the moment she lightly pushes the hovering object in front of you; glancing at you behind her hood to share a mischievous smirk as she uncovered the hovering object to reveal a box.

“Go ahead, Skywalker, It’s for you.” Snoke urges.

You hesitate to do as Snoke, glancing at Poe; the only person you trusted here. Someone who noticed your hesitance and shared an unsure but assuring nod. It didn’t precisely make you at all excited to actually do as instructed, but you did so because you knew it wasn’t really a suggestion.

And in that moment you began to reach the box to unveil what was hidden within you got a horrible gut wrenching feeling and felt a cold chill slither down your spine.

Feelings that horrifyingly intensified and became much greater the moment you threw the top back and identified the object within. Darth Vader’s burnt helmet.

——

(Ben’s P.O.V)

“If it’s a fight you want Ben,” she uttered confidently, pressing the button on her lightsaber to reveal the double blades that emitted from her hilts, and that almost blended with the blood red background. The only thing that distinguished the two was the humming sound coming from her lightsaber.

“It’s a fight you’ll get.” She finished, forcing Luke to summon his own lightsaber from his side and welcome it to his open hand, pressing down the button to activate the lightsaber and show a steady humming bright blue blade.

Upon noticing the changing fact, Rey smirked, twisting her lightsaber in a fluid movement as she watched Luke begin to walk behind her, trapping her between Ben and him. Causing a change that should’ve knocked down her confidence a notch or two, but that did what appeared to be the opposite, as she confidently lunged at Ben first.

Causing Ben to react quickly, hastily avoiding her blade by moving to the side—Rey then without a fault spun around and tried to surprise Luke by swinging down, but he was too skilled and caught her actions, avoiding her swing and looking at her with a disapproving look that made her grip onto her hilt with both hands and swing her other end at him. Her shoulders visibly stiffening as Luke again maneuvered out of the way.

Ben couldn’t help the pride build within himself at the scene in front of him, almost wanting to smirk at the fact that Rey seemed to be getting angry at Luke’s dodges. But that was the keyword, almost, because Ben took the opportunity Rey was distracted and strided closer to her; lifting his lightsaber to jab down on her back. Only getting surprised as Rey spun on her heels to clash her red blade against the blue just in time, lifting her leg and kicking Ben back.

Said man remained in balance and slid on his feet, glaring at the determined girl as she strode towards him, swinging her double blades but being met every single time with a clash, or quick dodges that ticked her off more each time. Enough so that she let out an angry bellow and dug her heels to the ground before running towards Ben. Turning her lightsaber in her hand to go for a high swing.

Ben quickly blocked her and was about to retaliate until her voice interrupted his action. “I can help you, show you the ways of the dark side,” she put out, her gaze consumed by the red lights below, narrowing her gaze on his currently unmoving stance, “you could join your cousin. Be stronger. The three of us could be stronger together.”

Ben blinked, “three? What about your Masters pet?”

Rey ignored that specific question and chose to continue with her plan on distracting him, her gaze unwavering unlike Bens; whos eyes searched her face, causing the reflection of the lightsabers hues to change from red and blue as he searched deeply to find the lie or the truth on her face—or really to take a second to debate her offer. “Think about it, Ben, more power than you have now. The anger that clouds you, I can help you with. You can be better than Darth Vader. We—”

“Ben!” Luke bellowed, stopping her words and letting Ben’s eyes snap over Rey’s shoulder. Distracting him from the move Rey began to play out, letting her continue to move back and fake a high swing that she swiftly switched up as Ben’s attention went on her again.

He moved his lightsaber to block her until she deactivated her blades and hastily dropped her hilt to catch it with her other hand. Smirking as the red blades reappeared again and she swung up in intents to slash his torso. Failing nonetheless as she didn’t count on the force Luke used to pull her back to hit the ground and only letting her blades cut Ben’s black tunic.

“Sorry.” Luke shrugged nonchalantly, his hands clasping in front of him as he watched Rey’s face turn red out of anger. “I’ll tell you what I would tell Ben. Breathe, anger doesn’t do you nothing good.”

A small growl left Rey’s lips as her hand clutched on her hilt, parting her lips to talk back, but not managing to say much as Ben stomped forward, spinning his lightsaber and lifting his blue blade over his head to try and impale Rey.

But right as he was going to complete his action, Rey lifted her legs and kicked him back with all her pent up anger; knocking his breath out of his lungs and causing him to fall to the ground with his lightsaber now several feet away from his hand—Rey used this advantage to swiftly push herself back to her feet and fluidly spin back to face Luke, swinging half of her red blade at him, but not surprisingly, creating bright sparks as the red blade clashed with the blue. The colors mixing and creating a purple hue that basked their faces as they remained still while Luke spoke out words that caught her off guard.

“It’s not too late,” he spoke, her glare faltering, “I could help you, teach you the ways of the Jedi. Take you away from the anger that clouds you and the master who manipulates you. It’s not too late, you can change, I can sense it.”

Rey stiffened as she remained struck with flooding emotions, trying to unscramble Luke’s words as she heard Snokes echo and the dark side pull back stronger. Only creating a silent waiting tension that broke as “reason” hit her again—“no. You can’t manipulate me! I will not fall!” She seethed, moving back and gripping onto her hilt with both hands again to fight back, throwing an angry remark beforehand. “But your daughter will! And she’ll be the monster you’ll fear the most.”

Luke remained unphased and spoke as so. “My daughter is stronger than you think, than your master thinks. She won’t fall.”

Rey cocked her head slightly to the side and grimaced, “we’ll see.” And then in a brisk move she stepped forward, swinging one red blade to meet the blue before her jaw clenched and she swung the other end; catching him before he could block her by closing the extended hilt and trapping his blade between hers.

Her confidence overcame her, thinking she had won before the fight was over, before Luke skillfully turned around to her other side. Twisting her lightsaber along with him and leaving her disarmed and steaming with anger. Something that caused her to throw her hand out and summon Ben’s lightsaber to her hand, gasping as she felt a force pull it back, fighting against her.

Rey turned around and saw Ben on his feet, his hand out trying to pull his lightsaber to himself as well, creating a tug of war against each other that increased in intensity as they both fought harder. Creating the same scene from the force connection; both groaning and grunting as they fought. Only this time not to push each other away, but to reach for something that shouldn’t have even been fought for in the first place, something that was just fought for because of the anger they both had. Blinding both and adding a tension to Ben’s lightsaber that was unknowingly making the kyber crystal within crack.

“Ben, let go! Leave her!” Luke tried to reason, but it was only going in through one ear and shooting out the other. “Ben! Listen to me, let go of your anger! Breathe! She isn’t worth it let go!” Luke bellowed again, dropping Rey’s lightsaber and trying to make Ben understand without wanting to intervene with the battle in front of him. “Ben, y/n still needs us! Let go! Ben—”

Luke’s words suddenly cut off as something red flew through the room and hit Rey’s shoulder, sending her flying back and the hold she had on the lightsaber to be dropped out of a sudden.

Both Ben and Luke looked back and by the entrance stood Mara with a blaster in hand and a determined expression set on her features. Leaving Ben stunned and amazed.

“No more time to gawke, it’s time to go.” She explained, waving both men over; making them both listen and rush towards her to then run out of the room and down the same halls to get back to the Falcon. Leaving a moment of just silence that made Ben wonder out loud.

“Why did you go back? I thought my uncle Luke took you back to the ship?”

The man in question responded with nothing in his defense and instead focused on getting out, letting Mara answer instead. “He took me halfway and I decided to go back because I knew something was going to go wrong. You’re welcome.”

Ben’s mouth was left open, unable to speak any words, just let silence take over instead all the way until they reached the already started up Falcon, with Chewbacca waiting by the ramp, his shoulders dropping at the realization of the missing person.

He expressed his concern and Ben answered hesitantly as he climbed inside and walked past him. “She-she’s not here.” Not waiting for another question, Ben hurried to the cockpit where his father was waiting, his face like his mother’s dropping their excitement, as like Chewbacca they noticed the missing person they were here for in the first place. And before they could question the absence, like Ben knew they would, he interrupted their thought, “she wasn’t here, we have to go before they blow us up.”

They said nothing, but look at one another and then at Luke walking past Ben. He hadn’t meant to be so harsh when he answered, but he didn’t have the time or patience. All he could think about was letting his cousin down, failing and falling for the trap Rey had supposedly laid, the anger that he felt built more and more inside him, towering to a point it felt like it was going to tumble over and bring his composure down with it. Nothing felt like it could calm him down, not his family, his old master or Mara. Not the thought that he could save his cousin because he was failing at that. His anger was becoming overwhelming, clouding him. The only thing that seemed to distract him from imploding was the sudden violent shake on the Falcon.

“Oh no,” his father expressed, removing his hand from the hyperspace lever.

“Oh no what?” His mother questioned wide eyed.

“It’s not wanting to jump to hyperspace.” He stressed, his hand jumping all over the control board, avoiding another blast that threatened to hit the ship.

“What do you mean?” Luke followed, “I thought you were here fixing the ship the whole time?!”

“I was!” Han snapped back.

“Then?!”

Han turned to look back at Luke to point his finger at him, his annoyance for the situation clear as day. “I’ve got it handled.” He turned around quickly and began to give Chewbacca instructions, demanding answers for the problems, but receiving nothing but another hit that shook the whole Falcon.

“If we don’t get out of here, they’re going to blow us out of space.” Ben added to the tension.

“Not exactly,” Mara spoke up in an excited tone, a grin spreading on her face before she rushed out of the cockpit. Reappearing moments later through Hans headpiece, her intentions instantly explained as blasts from the Falcons gun began to shoot out at the TIE’s after them.

“At least someone’s thinking.” Han quipped, his attention wavering from flying, to helping Mara and trying to fix the Lightspeed problem. Causing Ben to move along and distract himself with that, going all around the boards, pushing, pulling and changing anything he could think of. Turning out that the stress this was causing was not the best for his already building up anger. Just as he was going to complain, his mother’s voice broke through.

“I did it.” She smiled, making Han turn to her stunned, in slight awe and admiration. “Maybe it’s time to retire, flyboy.”

Han scoffed and smirked, turning back to focus his attention on leaving, “Punch it, Chewie!”

This time the action came out successful; seeing the blue and white streaks of hyperspace fly past them. Dropping Ben back to his anger as well.

——

“Think about it, Ben, more power than you have now...”

No.

Ben grabbed his lightsaber from his side and set it on the table, taking it apart to see the blue kyber crystal that was once complete, cracked and unable to give full life to his lightsaber as it did before. Now it sputtered as it activated, steamed almost, like at any moment it was going to explode. All because of Rey.

“The anger that clouds you, I can help you with…”

No.

He took a deep breath and tried to find a solution to heal his kyber crystal, unaware that his hand was clenching so tight under the table that his nails broke his skin until it bled. Unaware of the pair of eyes carefully watching him from across the room.

“You can be better than Darth Vader...”

No.

“Ben.”

Said man clenched his fist tighter, flinching slightly at the sudden call of his name from the girl approaching.

“Mara,” He uttered deeply, meeting her gaze only briefly before he focused on his cracked crystal again. “Are you still mad?”

Mara sat across from him in the booth and rested her arms on the table, shaking her head, “I understand why she had to hide her real identity, but I just don’t get why you guys didn’t trust me enough to tell me...or atleast her.”

Holding the crystal between his thumb and pointer finger, Ben sighed, “don’t take it too personally, my cousin isn’t good with people, she prefers talking to ghosts or family. It takes her time to get comfortable around some people.” his eyes slid to the side to meet her dark ones, “she used to get bullied by the other kids in the temple when she was younger because of who she talked to that's why...just don’t tell her I told you. She’s never talked about it.”

Mara hummed in comprehension, folding her arms over the table and admiring the crystal in Ben’s fingers—“what’s wrong with it?”

Ben shrugged, running his hands through his long hair, “it’s cracked and unstable now. I need to fix it to make my lightsaber work...but I haven’t found a way yet. If you have any, I’m open to hear them.”

Mara giggled, “I know nothing about lightsabers just that they’re actually heavier than I expected.”

Ben smiled slightly, feeling his anger subside for a moment, but not enough. She wasn’t enough.

“I can help you find jai—y/n.” Mara continued, making Ben frown.

“No,” he shook his head, putting the crystal back into his lightsaber, “the only clue to where she could be ended up being a trap.”

“So, you’re going to give up?”

“No.” Ben snapped quickly, a sharpness in his tone he didn’t mean. “She’s still out there. As long as she is, I'm going to look for her.”

Chewbacca from where he sat in the Falcon, added to Ben’s statement, making Ben agree. “Chewbacca is right, we only know she might be in another star destroyer. No where. She could be anywhere in this galaxy. It could take months to find her. Months my mother and you don’t have time to keep looking. You both need to get back to base.”

“What about you?”

Ben only briefly glanced at her as he responded, “I told you already, as long as she’s out there I’m going to look. She needs me.” He looked into the depths of the crystal on the table, once again clenching his fist, breathing in deeply and exhaling out slowly. The topic he was talking about made his fist shake and his jaw to clench tightly. Made him roll his head to the side to try and cool his anger. The darkness that seeped through, biting down on him and not wanting to let go, trying to drag him down completely with no trace to be left.

No clarity…

“Ben!” His mother suddenly called, pulling his gaze to her entering the room with a hopefulness in her eyes. “It’s a message from Lando...from y/n.”

Ben instantly dropped what he was doing and rushed to follow behind his mother, hearing Mara and Chewbacca trial behind as well until they returned to the cockpit where the first thing he noticed was a small hopeful smile on his uncle Luke’s face, as he like Ben’s parents gathered around the comm with C3P0’s voice speaking out.

“Oh I feel so honored that master y/n, would trust me with such important information. I do hope she’s well—”

“Threepio.” Ben’s mother cut off the blabbering droid sharply. “The information.”

“Oh right,” the droid exclaimed, “Master Calrissian sent a personal message to me from Master y/n that only reads “05251977-05251983, Wing B”. It looks to be some coordinates. Oh, by the force what could it mean?”

The group inside looked at one another to try and understand the small piece of information, not grasping right away until Mara pointed it out. “It coordinates to the star destroyer she’s on.”

“Exactly,” Leia added excitedly, “and the last piece of information is where she is on the ship.”

Han chuckles, “that’s my girl! Smart like her uncle.”

Luke scoffs from where he sits but adds nothing but a narrowed gaze shot at Han.

“Okay, goldenrod thank you so much for your help,” Han shouted out to comm as his finger hovered the button to turn it off after adding one last thing before the droid could speak up. “bye!”

The cockpit falls in silence for a long tense moment that Ben breaks seconds later with a final happy smile, “we found her.”

A/N- a little drop of jealous Luke because Han called Luke’s daughter his girl 😌 lmao anyway hope you all liked and be ready for what’s to come :)

Tagged- @thescarletknight2014 , @softly-sad , @golden-guide , @abysshaven , @a-dorky-book-keeper , @kit-jpg , @mybarnesmyhero , @zoeyangels, @algenforthewin, @leilei-draws

Permanent taglist- @ms-dont-care , @commondazy , @paintballkid711

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16ruedelaverrerie · 4 years ago

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AHHHHHHHhHHHHHHHHHHHHHhHHhH I LOVE YOUR ART?????? IT'S *chef's kiss* 👌🏽👌🏽👌🏽 all the way, don't even GET me started on Les Mignardises. Just, thank you??? For making this quarantine so much more uplifting and fun?? Of course. Speaking of that, hopefully you are alright but, yeah I just basically wanted to thank you for taking the time and making absolute banger, awesmazing content! Question! Not sure if you've already answered this or not but, what was your inspiration for Les Mignardises?

HI HI ANON this is a slightly belated reply, my apologies-- I had to wait until I posted the last chapter to get to the answer to your question. (I’m also trying to thematically pool some askbox messages together, so if I haven’t gotten to yours yet, I’M SORRY it’s coming!) Truly I don’t think I would be drawing or writing anything if I didn’t know that you were here to hang out with me (and to ask me SUCH! ENABLING! QUESTIONS! LIKE AN ENABLER! YOU BEAUTIFUL SOUL!), so it’s 100% your fault that any of this exists at all, and I thank you for every moment of it. OVERLONG ANSWER BEHIND THE CUT

I think that for every fic I’ve written above 10k words, I’ve started from the ending and worked my way back; or, at least, I didn’t start writing until I knew what the ending would be. (I’m afraid of getting to the end and not knowing how to tie things up; I’d rather know the shape of the container before I start filling it.) Les Mignardises was definitely a case where the whole impetus for the story was contained within the final dish of the eel-in-broth, and the rest of the fic was built to move towards it.

As best as I can remember, the way it went was this: it was hot as shit in July, 2019, and I wanted an eel dish I couldn’t have. I’m thinking about food for most of my waking hours anyway, just as a baseline, but that day I think I was specifically thinking about hamo shabu shabu -- which is basically an unattainable goal for me, where I live -- and I couldn’t stop thinking about it because I knew I could never get my hands on it.

And the way that hamo is prepared -- for shabu shabu or yubiki or any of the main ways that it’s eaten -- is by making those numerous tiny incisions across its pin bones, the way Gavin explains it in the last chapter. The way the eel instantly curls up and turns its opened petals outward when it hits hot water, that was a sensory memory that was very central to me in that moment, sitting in my apartment agonizing over this.

It’s also a process that lends itself readily to a kind of figurative reading; there’s something poignant in the thought of this beautiful flower made of fish only being possible through having been SLICED OPEN too many times to count. Wouldn’t it be nice, I thought, delirious with hunger, to know that every cut you sustain in life is just a prelude to another petal?

I’ve mentioned it before, but for me, Reed900 as a pairing is very often about the value of broken things. It seemed to me, STILL DELIRIOUS WITH HUNGER, that a Reed900 fic could very well be written about how every hurt might be turned to some kind of meaning-- not in a way that glorifies trauma, but in a way that accepts it and moves beyond it. And then, finally capitulating to my hunger, I put some frozen dinner in the microwave and thought, I wonder if I have watched enough food media over the years to be able to write a restaurant AU?

The frozen dinner was sad, and the thought was a partially idle one. I created a Google doc called UNTITLED REED900 RESTAURANT AU and started slowly collecting potential ideas about what might go into this fic -- oysters are def involved somehow and Fowler owns the restaurant and Gavin is a varietal Mourvedre and so on and so forth -- and wrote a little bit of the first chapter just to see what it would feel like.

I hadn’t written anything substantial for seven years. Pedal to the Metal didn’t really count, in my head, because that was a very specific story that was doing a very specific idfic thing. (Not that this makes a fic categorically lesser! But I do find that idfic makes very different demands of me as a writer.) So after writing that tidbit of the first chapter, with all that seven-year-itch in me, I thought: What if I really wrote the shit out of this? What if I took all the writing energy that I’ve stored up for the past seven years and poured it wholly into this one fic, what if I used every single word I’ve ever learned in the English language, what if I wrote until I ran out of metaphors and bodies of water to compare things to? If I more or less fought a story to the death, what would I end up with on the page?

So I suppose that when I lament how I accidentally let this story take over too much of my life, that’s not entirely truthful; maybe that’s what I meant for it to do, all along. It’s just that this sort of JACOB WRESTLING THE ANGEL mania is NOT WHAT IS NEEDED FOR A STORY TO BE GOOD! I didn’t fight this story to the death because that’s the way to write a good story. I think I did it because I forgot what it was like to write, and I was curious about what would happen if I wrote something harder than I’d ever written anything before.

What happens, as it turned out, is that the isolation of writing makes me lose steam. Sometime around May of this year, having written a swath of the fic, I realized that I just had no idea 1. what was working and what wasn’t, 2. who I was writing this for, and 3. what the point of writing it even was. It seemed that the one solution to all of these problems was to start posting it as a WIP. I’m TERRIFIED of WIPs, because I have an aversion to showcasing unfinished work and I’m too slow a writer to be able to post chapters with regularity! But I just couldn’t see myself finishing the fic at all if someone wasn’t reading it at the same time-- so I did the thing, I started posting it as a WIP, hoping that if I wrote this every spare minute of every day, I would be able to keep up some kind of schedule (which, in the end, mostly worked).

Without the people who supported Les Mignardises during the posting stage, I never would have completed it. I know your question was about how all this came about, anon, but I think that initial burst of inspiration couldn’t get me very far at all. It’s the sustained encouragement that really allowed the story to exist, and prevented me from throwing my laptop out the window and booking a flight to Japan just so that I could eat the fucking eel and not write a 58k fic about it.

Anyway, I love you very much, is what I am saying. On a parting note, here is a very sweet message that I’ve been thinking about every day since anon sent it in:

THANK YOU VERY MUCH ANON!!!!! THIS FIC IS OLDER THAN MY CHILD!!! (I do not have a child.) So much of my life is overdetermined to the point of absurdity that it’s hard for me to believe that I didn’t plan this somehow, but it is very much a coincidence that the fic ended up being completed so close to its birthday! When I realized (sometime in late June) that the posting schedule would mean that I would finish it around this time, my goal became to full-on post the final chapter on July 16. This was apparently a goal that was TOO on the nose for the universe to allow, and I immediately got hit in the face with a bunch of emergency deadlines while I was drawing the wrap-up art, so THAT DIDN’T HAPPEN... But it’s just as well, isn’t it! A thing too neat is a thing too closed in on itself, perhaps.

#askbox #les mignardises

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mainstreamloupe · 5 years ago

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FUTURE NOSTALGIA | DUA LIPA

FUTURE NOSTALGIA BRINGS TO THE TABLE A MIX OF DUA LIPA’S FUTURE SOUND AND CLASSIC POP.

On her first self-titled album, Dua Lipa worked hard on showcasing the power of her voice and comfortably chased a sound that fits well as an open letter to the world, showing how experimental she could get and how badly she wanted to make music.

The success that brought worldwide hits like ‘New Rules’ and the experience that she kept by collaborating with famous and talented producers like Diplo and Mark Ronson on ‘Electricity’ and the chill EDM ‘One Kiss’ with Calvin Harris, seemed to help her find along the road, the specific journey that she needed to begin so it showed the force to be reckoned with that she is in pop culture.

The album’s title ‘Future Nostalgia’ fits accurately on the sound of the 11 tracks that build it.

When the album title track blasts, its retro background distorted vocals and the literal message on the lyrics work to dismantle your perceptions on the sounds that a pop record by Dua Lipa should be like. She opens up on the confidence she has about being on the tip of everybody’s tongue and the pressure that the public puts on artists to find new sounds and stepping their game up on their sophomore albums.

The ‘Future Nostalgia’ catchy title can be interpreted too as the futuristic-retro composition that the songs display. Since the first single ‘Don’t Start Now’ began this 80’s pop-influenced era, a glamorous and experimental atmosphere began to take shape on the singer’s aesthetic, the collision on the catchy hooks and the familiar instrumentals that were clearly inspired by disco records reflected a clever work on inspiration and not emulation. It may sound easy, to bring disco back and make it modern, but the attempt of even thinking it’s risky by itself. On the first single, Dua made a full one-eighty, not only on her heart but on the radios.

The vocal arrangements are cleverly built around powerful lyrics that are mostly love stories and, that anybody can feel identified with. With this being said, it’ll be no surprise for people to find themselves quickly singing along to tracks like ‘Break My Heart’ where the 24-year-old singer built a sonic trap to get anyone caught when they can easily relate to the regret of falling in love with someone who shows red flags on a possible disappointment since the first ‘Hello’.

On the first tracks of the album, you’ll discover ‘Cool’; the third track of Future Nostalgia sounds exactly like the album’s cover art, an outer space adventure blasting off on a vintage car while Dua Lipa carpools her heart out on the vulnerable side that admitting when someone breaks down all your walls and takes control of every sense.

Just after that, the fourth track, ‘Physical’ comes along to make you feel a big-bang explosion on the record. Dua flies her way up to an explosive chorus fulfilling the track with the power of her voice forcing the instrumentals to keep up with her, instead of waiting for her voice to keep up with the beat. As the song ends, it would’ve been hard to keep the listener at the same speed without aiming higher, but just as a sonic big-bang, the record gets to a zero-gravity zone with ‘Levitating’ where Dua Lipa fills your ears with milky-way quotes and floats on the marvelous feelings that letting yourself flow with the discovery of love can bring to your life as she urges the listener and her lover to get lost on this bubbly beat that can make anyone who sings this song on a karaoke, the disco queen of the night.

It’s not all about the lyrics and the mesmerizing production on Future Nostalgia, talent becomes evident on the modern-love ball ‘Pretty Please’ where the stars of this nostalgic adventure are Dua’s vocals and a seductive bass with futuristic beats adding up in the right moment. Her vocal delivery might seem innocent but the message she transmits is clear and direct just as the demanding lyrics on it.

The cosmic and playful bass arrangements couldn’t be less powerful on the next track, ‘Hallucinate’ a retro disco banger that could even fit in 2005 Madonna’s ‘Confessions on a Dancefloor’. The track begins mysterious and flirty on its instrumentals and the lyrics, but on the main hook, glows like a giant disco ball at a Saturday Fever night.

As this track fades, ‘Love Again’ takes you by surprise with a vintage-like intro, that suddenly grows on violin’s melodies that take the sincerest and corny confessions from Dua Lipa. She sounds joyful and starstruck on the feeling that falling in love fearlessly brought to her heart. The most complex side of this track is more on the instrumental side that on the lyrics, so, it really deserves your undivided attention to its sound for you to enjoy its power.

The theatrical ‘Boys Will Be Boys’ closes this experience on the exact same prayer that helped the album to lift up, the female-power and a social growing-notion on the recognition of their power and influence. Just in case you forgot.

The former eleven tracks are no fillers, they’re all built on being enjoyable and are cohesive on the transition from song to song. The lyrics try to demonstrate she’s living her present, she lets herself enjoy new experiences, and leaves statements only for her most concrete thoughts. The production makes it an immersive experience and falls far for the sounds that nowadays play on most of the popular playlists. Future Nostalgia might not be changing pop music’s game in a new dimension yet, but still, it manages to make clear that Dua Lipa is a young pop star that came to stay, even if you’re not used to a female Alpha.

youtube

#dua lipa #future nostalgia #dont start now #cool #physical #good in bed #hallucinate #levitating #boys will be boys #pretty please #love again #playlist #spotify #apple music #spotify playlist

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owenandnoahtdi · 6 years ago

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Top 10 TDWT songs

Hello everyone, I'm back to shove my opinion down your throat with my top 10 favorite TDWT songs.

World tour is one of, if not my favorite season of total drama. It focused on drama and challenge equally, gave us more devolpment on characters that desperately needed it, and gave us a great villain with Alejandro. But, its main gimmick was that every episode, the cast would sing. Now I want to say how risky this was. It would have been so damn easy to make these all sound like something from the Disney channel. But they didnt do that. Every song is unique, and I love all of them. Except for Boyfriend Kisser.

Before I start, I want to give an honorable mention to Sierras German song. Its a good song, but its not normally counted.

So, without further ado, here are my top 10 favorite... You know by this point.

10. Baby

Eat your heart out, Justin Beiber! Not only does this banger sung by Harold beat your shitty single by a mile, Harold actually put Effort into his. Moving on from the pretty boy bashing, Harold sings about his love for Leshawna, pouring his heart and soul into it, and its beautiful. Plus Justin's taborine dance was just so cute.

9. Oui, my friends

Probably the best thing to come out of Sierra. I should slap myself for saying that, but I'm not. In this song, Sierra sings about how she's been.... Betrayed I think, by Cody(even though that bot the case). The interaction between Seirra and Cody is mesmerisingly good. Plus the amazing convo between Owen and Noah was funny, giving the knowitall one of his many classic lines. But, the focus is mainly on sierra, and she does reapeat the same Crap over and over, only to end with the fact that she just wants to go outside. Kinda dumb, youre in the middle of a competition, not in a romance novel.

8. What's not to love

I live around the NY area, so I can confirm some of the statements are on point, or at least a bit exaggerated. But its a cartoon that's to be expected. Although a short song, clocking in at just under a minute, it provides a song that just screams NYC.

7. Eine keline

I never thought a song sung so quietly could be so enjoyable, but here we are. Sung in germany on a high mountain, the cast has to remain quiet to avoid an avalache. What follows is just basically a calming interaction with a big finish, courtesy of Tyler. He may have caused an avalanche, but when your braindead girlfriend finally remembers him, can you blame him for jumping for joy.

6. Come Fly With Us.

This song is a staple for World tour, and it shows. Giving each contestant a chance in the spotlight, this song sets up the tone for the season going forward. Some classic lines of the season come from this song. And yes, they're just reapeating the same thing over and over, but its the first song, so ill cut them some slack.

5. Condor

In one of the few songs where Cody actually gets to sing by himself, this songs gives off the... Wait, they were on Easter island? Hm. And Easter island is near Chile, according to Google. Then why does this song give off African vibes? Maybe cause the cast was in Africa last episode? I don't know. Its just a great song with great singers.

4. Sisters

Unpopular opinion I may have mentioned and forgot: Leshawna's dancing isn't that bad. Its not great but its not terrible. But onto the song itself. This song portrays Leshawnas character perfectly, dissing Alejandro, showing her love to Harold, and vowing her revenge. Again, another short one, coming in shorter then what's not to love at :53, its still packs a lot into those 53 seconds.

3. Her real name isnt Blainley

People. Its a Russian theme song, sung by Geoff, dissing Blainley, and strips down to his boxers. Need I say more?

2. Sea Shanty

Heather is right, this song is catchy. This song is full of great lyrics, fun beat, and it will be stuck in your head for a long time.

1. Oh my Izzy

This is an adorable song sung by Owen. I always loved the pairing of Owen and Izzy. A cute couple, even though it can sometimes get a bit risque. The great thing about this song is that its relateable. We've all been in Owens spot before, having just broken up with someone we love and missing them. Every word of it is heartfelt and the Jamaican beat tops it all off.

Well that's all for me. Bye!

#total drama #total drama island #total drama world tour #td cody #td noah #td tyler #td courtney #td owen #world tour

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thecompostpile · 5 years ago

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Every Match From Night 10 of the G-1 Climax

Ishii vs Juice Robinson

This is exactly what the G-1 is supposed to be about in my opinon or at the very least it is what I love most about the G-1. Two badass dudes just beating the ever-living shit out of each other. Sometimes that is all wrestling needs to be. I love stories, I love gimmicks, I love the whole charade but man sometimes all the story needs to be is “I want to beat you up and I don’t want to show you I am in pain.”

Juice is one of my favorites every single G-1 for this exact reason. Robinson never gives an inch. He has to go into every tournament knowing he doesn’t have the best chances of winning but that never stops him from giving his all. He became one of my favorites last year when he competed even with a broken hand and still had some great matches.

I also fell in love with Ishii because of his G-1 performances. Two years ago I was watching my very first G-1. It was my introduction to a lot of the New Japan Roster including of course Ishii. He is one of the best wrestlers in the world in my opinion. He matches everyone he goes against with just some of the toughest no bullshit wrestling and that is great. Wrestling is a versatile sport that can be performed anyway the wrestler wants to but Ishii’s style is one of the best. Just no-nonsense badassery.

This match was exactly that. Juice is doing pretty well this year and it didn’t seem impossible for him to win this one. They start of fast neither one getting much of an advantage. The two slugged it out. Juice seemed like he wanted to take all of Ishii’s best shots and keep going and so he did just that. He goads Ishii on at one point screaming

“Come on Motherfucker!” at Ishii. Ishii no sells at lot of his attacks pretending they don’t hurt. Juice keeps standing over Ishii as if to remind him that he is taller which is kind of great. Ishii really lays it into Juice with chops and strikes. Things pick up and both men try to no sell the other but also both men end of collapsing to the ground.

Taichi vs Jeff Cobb

Taichi has to be one of my least favorite wrestlers. I just don’t like anything about him. I do like Jeff Cobb his stuff on Lucha Underground remains some of my favorites. But Taichi rubs me the wrong way I don’t like his gimmick I don’t like his wrestling I don’t like anything about him.

I wasn’t really interested or invested in this match. I watched the first half of it and skipped through when they were getting kind of boring. It just wasn’t doing much for me and I am so behind so I skipped forward after they brawled on the outside. Watched Jeff Cobb give a Tour of the Island and it was over.

Jay White vs Shingo

Jay White doesn’t do much for me but that Black Parade jacket does. I’ve been really into that My Chemical Romance album a lot. I saw them perform the album in full and they had the uniforms on and everything. I wonder if anyone in My Chemical Romance likes wrestling.

Shingo is great. I enjoyed his Best of Super Junior run extremely and think he should’ve faced off with Dragon Lee instead of Will Ospreay but who am I?

Jay White runs out of the ring and when Shingo comes he attacked him. Jay White is being a coward and Shingo wants to fight so bad. I started listening to The Black Parade. How I Disappear is such a banger. Jay White wants to see how far down he can sink?

I forgot how good Sharpest Lives is. I also can watch Shingo hit lariats all fucking day man. I’m listening to the title track of Black Parade and they are beating the crap out of each other. Shingo drops Jay White. Shingo hits the ropes and Jay White just drops to the ground. Shingo picks up Jay White into a german and fuck is it cool.

Shingo goes for the Pumpkin Bomber but Gedo pulls his foot just as the Black Parade ends. Jay White drops to the ground again to dodge a Pumpkin Bomber which is good coward heel work. I Don’t Love You starts to play when Shingo hits the Pumpkin Bomber. Jay uses the ref to get out of Last of the Dragons and then kicks out of Pride of Japan.

“Baby when they knock you down and out is where you oughta stay”

Jay White is in control. He hits a cool brainbuster where he holds both of Shingo’s wrists then does a pinkie up throat slash and his the blade runner and gets the win just as House of Wolves plays.

Moxley vs Naito

Fans are already chanting Naito’s name as he makes his way to the ring. He starts by playing mind games slowly taking off his clothes. He apologizes for taking so long as Red Shoe’s tries to get him to speed up. Once his pants are off he throws them at Moxley and the match begins with hard strikes in the middle of the ring.

Mox ends up outside of the ring. Natio fakes out as if he is going to dive but does the Tranquilo pose instead. Mox is getting mad, Naito is making sure of that. Moxley ends up inside the ring while Naito ends up outside. Moxley lays down so Naito will come to pin him but Naito just rolls in then out. Then the opposite happens Naito is laying down in the middle of the ring and Moxley is outside.

The mind games are over for a little and the two fight outside. Brawling into the crowd. Each using the guardrail to gain an advantage. Moxley does the Tranquilo pose. They brawl some more. Moxley gets in the ring and does the Tranquilo pose again. He is showing Naito he can dish it just as well as Naito can.

Moxley wraps up Naito in a chair and goes to hit his leg with another chair but Red Shoes pulls the chair away. Naito gets the advantage by dropkicking the chair Jon is holding into his face. Natio sets Moxley in a chair and runs at him down the apron.

They both spit on each other and they both bite each other. Moxley is getting close to losing his temper and that is exactly what Naito wants. Moxley hits a fantastic butterfly suplex off the top rope. They trade hard strikes. Naito hits a ddt off the ropes after evading Moxleys Regal Knee but only gets a two.

The two bite each other. Moxley hits a ddt and Naito barely kicks out. Moxley hits the Regal Knee and lands it. He hits Death Rider but Naito kicks out. Naito hit Destino, my favorite move when Kevin Kelly calls it. Moxley kicks out. When the second Death Rider hits Naito doesn’t kick out.

I have no idea what is going on in the G-1. We know Moxley is signed to AEW so it is really fucking weird that New Japan is letting Moxley beat everyone. Don’t get me wrong he is great he fits with New Japan really well but he is a fleeting case. There is no reason to make him into a star if he is going to leave. This G-1 should be really interesting. It doesn’t look like anyone can catch up to Moxley in his block and Okada looks about the same.

#new japan pro wrestling #New Japan #jon moxely #my chemical romance #all elite wrestling #aew #G1 Climax

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tinymixtapes · 8 years ago

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Column: Favorite Rap Mixtapes of March 2017

With a daunting cascade of releases spewing from the likes of DatPiff, LiveMixtapes, Bandcamp, and SoundCloud, it can be difficult to keep up with the overbearing yet increasingly vital mixtape game. In this column, we aim to immerse ourselves in this hyper-prolific world and share our favorite releases each month. The focus will primarily be on rap mixtapes — loosely defined here as free (or sometimes free-to-stream) digital releases — but we’ll keep things loose enough to branch out if/when we feel it necessary. (Check out last month’s installment here.) --- --- Truman Snow - Kingdom Heartless [stream] It’s the trap on candid camera in a reality TV movie, not Menace II Society or Snow on tha Bluff, but The Truman Show, except the cast of friends, neighbors, and family casually advertise illicit substances instead of cleaning products and lawnmowers, and everybody’s armed to the grill. It’s a winter in the Taiga completely isolated from civilization for the chance to win a stack, but the show gets canceled, the lenses in the trees go dark, and no one bothers to tell the contestants. It’s technicolor carnage visited upon greyscale fantasy, i.e. Connecticut. –Samuel Diamond --- Caleb Giles - Tower [stream] Above all else, Tower harks back to an era when rap was more about focusing on what was in front of you as opposed to what might otherwise be experienced on a virtual platform, and in this case, that’s the Bronx. On his debut mixtape, Caleb Giles ensures a gritty listen, even when punctuated through his smooth, pronounced vocals and snippets of jazz instrumentation. Giles challenges the comforts and securities that are sometimes hinted at when contemplating one’s home city, focusing on the trials and tribulations that impinge on his own aspirations. “I can’t do anything but rhyme,” he spouts on “YBR” amidst pitched-up vocals and carefully spliced beats and clicks, hinting at his own determination while experimenting profoundly with the productions that wrap around his thoughtful flow. The mixtape is a solid listen that remains concise across each track in terms of content and production. “Valley” is a personal favorite, where a public service announcement melds with antagonistic conversation. “I know I’ve been a little dismissive, but I’ve just been searching for a bigger pot to piss in,” Giles snaps before his voice crackles and fades — it’s a fleeting moment, but one that one that stays true to the mixtape’s theme and the direction that this young rapper is headed. –Birkut --- CHXPO - SAUCE FOR SELL [stream/download] “Vitalists have argued for 40 years that postwar art’s ultimate expression will be a kind of enormous psychosocial excrement. The real aesthetic, conscious or otherwise of today’s best serious rap may be nothing but the first wave of this Great Peristalsis.” – David Foster Wallace, Signifying Rappers In a post-Lil B era, prolificacy seems more like a byproduct of exorcism than the exuberant mixtape manna once lavished by The BasedGod upon his loyal followers. There’s only so much information one can process in the digital realm before resorting to desperate measures of discharge. Cleveland-native CHXPO’s a human kidney when it comes to waste filtration, honing in on moments of improvised vitriol and pasting them into cathartic patchworks. Six (entirely-freestyled) mixtapes into 2017, the Black Money Boys Death Row affiliate treads the artistic path of Warhol and the technological vision of Musk: Sauce For Sell is a product of automaton creativity, produced, packaged, and shipped as efficiently as possible. If a recycled verse or two rises to the surface mid-process, so be it. Quantity over quality. Quantity and quality. Invest in Neuralink today. “The angels respect me / The demons protect me.” – CHXPO - “BVNDGXD” –Jude Noel --- The Noise Above - Blossom! [stream/download] Unlike memes, a creed does not degrade upon repetition. Take 1990s jazz-tinged hip-hop as an example; the two decades transpired have turned it as much a tradition as the rare groove tracks it originally sampled. New York-based producer The Noise Above qualifies as a third inheritor in such lineage, his latest mixtape Blossom! boasting the soulful vibe and melodious rhyming of its East Coast forbears. With a richer production and a more seasoned flow than his previous releases, Blossom! highlights the evolution of The Noise Above as an artist who’s maybe two or three mixtapes away from his mainstream breakout. With lots of pop hooks and clever lyrical turns in his tracks, what weighs him down is a compulsion to overdo things production-wise and the restlessness of someone who knows he’s poised for greatness but anxious because the future takes too long to materialize. With killer tracks like “RACE,” “What if?,” or “Lemon king” announcing there’s more fire from whence they came, some patience would no doubt go a long way for the young New Yorker. –jrodriguez6 --- Lil Durk - Love Songs For The Streets [stream/download] After weathering some career-growing pains and serious personal losses within the past few years, Lil Durk found himself on something of a back-to-basics winning streak à la Monster-era Future at the outset of the 2017, building on the slow-burning success of last summer’s refreshingly no-bullshit LilDurk2x album with a scorching, taut return to street rap on November’s They Forgot mixtape. Love Songs For The Streets thankfully continues in this crossovers-be-damned vein, offering up precisely what the title implies in a brief but electrifying set of tracks. Love and respect for the wisdom that can only be gained through loss and struggle is what has always fueled Durk’s best songwriting, and for new listeners and old fans alike, it is strangely affirming to hear the rapper speak humbly and candidly about the disillusionment and loss of intimacy that has come with success. “Better,” the tape’s brittle, cold centerpiece and most potent track, is just one of several odes therein to the bittersweet, lean-clouded freedom experienced on the opposite end of a betrayal: “You were my brudda/ Changed on me for that chedda/ You were my brudda/ We can do better.” –Nick Henderson --- Slug Christ - It’s Colder at the Bottom of the Shower [stream/download] Slug Christ’s return to non-feature work in 2017 is a quick five-track EP dealing directly with his troubles with addiction: emotional and chemical, mostly. The first four tracks have Slugger reflecting on his heroin addiction, which is explicitly noted in nearly every mixtape dating back five years. In the same recovering imagery as It’s Colder at the Bottom of the Shower, “Scraped Me Off The Pavement” and, more directly, “At The Bottom” and “I Been Tryna Get Clean” are devil-off-the-shoulder interpersonal conflicts of love and relapse. The closer “Gamecube” seems like a hang-on, with the only real correlation between it and the rest of ICATBOTS (holy shit that acronym) being L.A. producer Nedarb. It’s another Christ banger. Praise the man. Hopefully, Slug’s still trying. Hopefully he’s still kicking it with the shawty that saved him. And hopefully you’ll go find him on the East Coast tour he’s on right now. –Monet Maker --- ۞ pvps ۞ - 2K17 GLO [stream] 2011. Washed Out’s Within and Without on my iPod Touch against the stitching of my blue Oxford. Breathe in. New car smell. Old Navy warehouse smell. Synths like 2-in-1 Shampoo and Conditioner webbing my fingers. Bass like an oscillating fan on a humid night. Yacht-rock trap jams to wax upper-middle class to. Dig it. –Jude Noel --- Devin the Dude - Acoustic Levitation [stream] Affectionately nicknamed “your favorite rapper’s favorite rapper,” Devin the Dude’s unique delivery and ear for production brought his self-deprecating brand of weed rap a degree of critical respect he probably wouldn’t have anticipated prior to the success of 2002 singles “Lacville ‘79” and “Doobie Ashtray,” respectively about driving a shitty car and people smoking all your weed. Quietly beloved by rappers and fans with a rapper-like interest in his wonky flow, Devin has nonetheless spent his career relegated to a niche. Acoustic Levitation, his first project in four years, is true to his principles in a way that, as before, makes a case for their appeal outside of the narrow window afforded him. Particularly benefiting “Can I” and “Apartment #8216,” its basslines are appropriately sticky, and Devin’s flow hasn’t budged an inch; if you don’t like his mid-2000s output, Acoustic Levitation won’t change your mind about Devin the Dude. “All I need is good weed, and I’m cool man,” etc. For me, though, and because the game hasn’t been fair to him, his consistency is well worth celebrating. –Will Neibergall --- Lil Uzi Vert - Luv Is Rage 1.5 [stream/download] There’s always been a hint of melodrama to Lil Uzi Vert’s sound amidst his array of malleable flows and quick-hit punchlines, but it’s generally carried a cartoonish element to it that’s thwarted any sense of urgency (see: “You Was Right”). And while Uzi’s Luv Is Rage 1.5 delivers three quality head-nodders mixing humor and sentimentality, the project’s breakout single “XO Tour Llife3” steals the show, finding rap’s rising star at his most revealing. Gone is any hint of a tongue placed in cheek, instead replaced by a raw, melodic warble of a performance that lays all out bare; the end of its first verse is outright heart-wrenching as he croons, “She say I’m insane yeah, I might blow my brains out, Xanny help the pain yeah, Please Xanny make it go away,” only to be emotionally bested by the cry of “All my friends are dead” with a cadence more likened to emo than hip-hop. Uzi’s usual brand of pop rap is a consistent, comfortable machine that’s always fun at the very least, but his most thrilling moments from a critical perspective occur when he takes risks like “XO Tour Llife3.” Here’s to hoping they won’t be hidden within SoundCloud mini-mixtapes in the future. –Mike Giegerich http://j.mp/2oH5i46

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supergenial · 5 years ago

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Top 8 Doujin Albums 2019

Hi everyone, Superthony Genialtano here the internet’s busiest doujin music nerd, and it’s time to bring out the yellow flannel for the yearly roundup that I completely forgot to do last year. Just a neat little list of my favorite doujin albums of the year.

I will include releases from last year’s winter comiket, and won’t include things from this year’s winter comiket though. As I always say: “If you want to be included in yearly rankings, then don’t release your shit in december”, much less in the very last 3 days of the year which is when winter comiket usually takes place. I will also simply list my favorite picks from the year without any kind of objective measuring or strict order, consider them to be placed at random as I do not believe in strict numeric rankings for music. Having said that, click below to continue on to the list and happy holidays to you all.

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-Gensou Crisis by IRON ATTACK! (Metal)

youtube

As I often say, Iron Attack is very hit or miss, and this one's a complete hit. Ever since sadame yuku kamikaze they hadn’t made a song that truly wowed me but this time they went ahead and exceeded expectations not once, but 5 times. The eponymous Gensou Crisis, Nihon no Stage, Isekai Stage, Space Stage and Last Boss Stage are some of the better work they've ever done in my opinion. I also just like how the american stage is chock in the middle of Isekai Stage and Space Stage, like sure, that is a totally normal level progression, America is somehow more badass than a whole other world but not as much as space, sure. Just an awesome album, can easily recommend this one.

(Also pretty funny that they tried to re-capture the glory of Nihon no Stage in their latest album, Japonism, but the results weren’t as good)

-Metatron by DJ DEPATH&M-Project (electronic, hardcore, rave) (Bandcamp)

Yeah, I listen to non-chu2 non-denpa stuff too, don't genreshame me. This album is a banger, just sick, can’t even call it a rollercoaster because it never slows down for any reason. Throughout it's longitudinal 16 tracks it keeps me hyped up, I'm parsing really hard to try and find a song to say something negative about but I just fucking cannot, these guys really went out and made an album with no lulls in it, just a full hour of non stop climax action, though to be fair it is a compilation of their older works so it had to be at least this good. Still, awesome, 10/10.

-Crimson of the Sleeping Princess by Elymusia (Gothic Metal) (Booth)

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I was not expecting to fall so hard for this album but here we are. We've previously translated 2 songs from the album and will probably get around to doing the rest Someday. Tokeitou no majo, owari no hajimari and the eponymous song are all just absolutely amazing tracks among my favorites for the year. Sure, the eponymous does go on for a bit longer than it should, but I still listen to it entirely so that's quite a feat. Kuro no majo Athena is also a really cool track. Steam World and Tada Sore Dake no ohanashi, to be fair, are not amazing but at least they set the tone for the character Machina. The contrast of steampunk characters fighting gothic witches is a really good idea, so I dig it even if the shift from the first to second song is a bit jarring.

I also find it hilarious how in trying to go for an english name for 深紅の眠り姫(Crimson Sleeping Princess) they went and added two unnecessary words, but idk, it makes it funny so it’s cute. Overall great album, liked it from the beginning and it has only grown on me further.

-Kyousou Rinne Roosen Renetto by Ariabl'eyeS (gothic) (translations)

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The sequel to a classic. Anyone could've predicted this is one of my favorites for the year so there's really no surprise here. SUI's song is still a stand out for me, but the eponymous song is also pretty amazing. I really, really would've loved to attend the live as they told the audience beforehand to sing along with a certain part and I'm sure it would've felt so fucking powerful to be there, but we are but slaves to our own prisons in this life. Still, great album, also as far as Ariabl’eyeS goes this is actually their album with the least recycled tunes since automata, so good going for them on coming up with some new stuff every once in a while.

-SPD GAR 02 by Megarex Label (rave) (bandcamp)

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I've had my eye on Megarex Label for a while since their Fugene albums, and they have not disappointed me yet. Just really exciting, new-sounding music. I was actually really debating myself on which was their better album of the year between SPD GAR 02 or NEONSTRIDE and I ultimately went with this one but it's a pretty good sign when a group can put out two amazing records within a single year, even if to be fair it's a collaboration between several music producers and talents. Speaking of putting out too many records in one year-

-Mugen Ayakashi Yakou by Hatsuki Yura (neo-japanese) (lyrics)

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Look, Onyx Veil was an amazing album, sure, I like basically every song in it, sure. BUT I ASK: does it have Yura singing about taking lives with her demon blade? In a duet song with a cool male voice for the sword? No? Didn't think so. Therefore, Ayakashi Yakou edges out a victory if only slightly. This album goes for a japanese sound rather than sticking to the fantasy tunes Yura usually brings us and boy, it fucking works, if you enjoy the likes of Wagakki Band then you gotta give this one a try. Right from the get go Oiran Yagyou is an absolute banger and it's about a cool prostitute, then Renkai shifts things up by being fairly cheerful and when you least expect it, bang: Youtou Raikouzan. Give a nerd a song about a girl with a demon blade and he won't shut up about it. I'm the nerd. Excellent album, but then again Onyx Veil is also high up there for me even if this one edged out the victory, maybe it's just the recency effect why I prefer it, who knows. Also make sure to visit Meri's blog where she has extremely in-depth translations for these and many other albums by Yura, god bless her soul.

-Mukunaru Hoshi no Koujo Planetalica to Yutaka na Shikisai to Uta no Koujo Asterika, by el ma Riu (Fantasy) (booth)

Very conflicted on this one. The imagery to the album is pretty captivating with those two princesses on the cover and the way the title turns upside down, I'm sure Claude Von Riegan would get along with Asterika. This album has my favorite song of the year, which is undoubtedly Ancient Call「火」. Yet the rest of the album is simply good, not super fantastic and not nearly on the same level as the first track.

Naming 4 songs the exact same and having them each represent a different element, I would've expected a fairly similar rhythm to all of them but instead they're all entirely different. I do think the fire one is the real bomb in the album so maybe building up to it would've had a better effect than dropping it right out in the first track. I say all this because prior to listening to the album I remember being super impressed with the last track which is the one she uploaded on her youtube. But once I listened to the album entirely all I was thinking was wow, I want more of that first track, I need more. Not that the rest is bad, but just, the first track is so amazing dear god.

Still, it got me to follow el ma Riu more closely and her twitter presence is honestly adorable, she uses emojis all the time and even name searches herself and gets super excited whenever people praise her and basically, she rules, and her newer albums Vert and Akatoki were also pretty cool so it's an overall victory. Also check out this more recent artwork of the two girls, they’re so cute.

-Zettou no Labyrinth by Ariabl'eyes (gothic) (tumblr won’t let me embed more videos lol)

Yes I'm putting them twice, you know I have favoritism for them so might as well not dance around that fact. No announcement this year has made me as excited as knowing they'd revive chiisana majo to himitsu no hon even if only for one of the 6 worlds in it. Yes, that shit hyped me up even more than the Bravely Default 2 announcement.

It’s also just so weird, like it’s fanservice for me or like I summoned this into existence, like a monkey’s paw. “I want chiisana majo to himitsu no hon 2″ bam, this does it, a forgotten project from over half a decade ago revived for no reason. “I liked that witch better when she had no back story” bam, this has an evil witch with no backstory. “The best songs are the ones with both Luna and Rena” bam, this has like 3 of them, way more than usual. Are they reading me? I doubt it, but this means that their japanese fanbase has been thinking the same things as I so it actually feels pretty cool how we’re on the same page. Like Bunnyhop said about Death Stranding: “I know it’s pretentious to say you have a personal connection with a work but...” yeah, it does feel like that for me.

The album does take six minutes to get going (with two small narration tracks sandwhiching a decently rehashed old track), but once we get into it kokou no megami, ao no kajitsu and zettou no majo are amazing songs even if they so, SO blatantly rehash older sounds of the band like come on, the influences from automata and coffin are so blatant it's almost a parody, not to mention we also get a girl in a coffin and an evil witch trying to bring about the end because she's a dick so it's like, you're just gonna rehash coffin and romanesque like that and call it a day? Not only do you rehash sounds in every album but also stories now? Yes, that's exactly what they did and it still worked. Aaaahhh, I hate to love this band, they have me grabbed by the balls and I can't escape, awesome album I loved it.

And that is it folks, what a nice year for doujin music this has been, I truly hope the next is even better because I really do have fun checking out new bands and shit. Also in case if you want more well let’s give it up for those that almost made the cut.

Runner ups:

-Artificial Flower by Mame (gothic) (booth)

This album is a diamond in the rough, it’s truly excellent just needs a bit more polish to make it into the big leagues with me, plus maybe a more scarring vocal performance. Not that it’s bad, it almost made the cut! but the vocals are permanently subdued in their tone, just give me some fang and I’ll swoon.

- ななめが王国 by ななひら and mega (denpa) (translation)

I mean what can I say, 4 tracks are ok and the other 4 are amazing, it balances out. Plus if they do conquer the world one day I don't want to be on their gulag list, might as well praise them while it still counts.

-Vocis Helix by Sennzai (fucking epic) (booth)

This is like the epitome of "music I'd like people to believe I listen to, but that I don't actually listen to that much".

-Extra in Out by Cytekinesis (lolicore) (bandcamp)

“Lolicore? I haven’t heard that name in years...”

-Papermoon by Polysha (electronic, psytrance) (bandcamp)

A surprising latecomer, maybe with a bit more time it’d be up there with Megarex but alas, fate and synchronicity did not work in it’s favor.

And many others, we could be here all day! so let’s cut it short and call this a darn good year for doujin music. Next year I’ll probably spend less time listening to doujin music as I’ll be gushing over the inevitable new Sound Horizon album and the Bravely Default 2 soundtrack, plus it’s inevitable Linked Horizon album about it. Yes, this is the year, Rinne HAS to be this year folks. Anyway, see you all next time and remember: if you like an artist with a very small audience, tell them about it, they’ll probably be thrilled.

#review #doujin music #why 8?#because 2020 is the year of RINNE FUCKING CONFIRMED #yes I know he used a blue flannel on his top 50 shut up if you know this much flannel lore you know this one's more iconic

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wmshappen · 7 years ago

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CDs and why you should love them, for better or for worse

Photo by Caleb Woods on Unsplash

I own 800+ CDs. I recently re-organised and alphabetised them, deciding that after 10 years together, it was finally time to merge my collection with my husband’s. The decision to do this was more difficult than the decision to get married. Will he keep them organised? Will he put them all back in the right cases? Will he care for not only me, but the CD collection, in sickness and in health? I tend to take my CDs fairly seriously.

And it appears I’m not alone. In this week’s Music Week, Mark Sutherland talked about the importance of CDs in ‘Slipped discs: Why the biz needs to give CDs as much love and attention as vinyl’. The article draws attention to the prominent place that CDs still play in the sale of physical music, and the need for record labels to consider them as more than an afterthought to digital/streaming and specially packaged vinyl. The article argues that when the record is right (such as for Ed Sheeran or Rag’N’Bone Man), ‘physical sales can deliver big revenues’ and ‘there is barely a motor out there – whether old banger or brand new hybrid – that doesn’t feature a CD player…That’s a lot of people to forget about, before we even consider what the loss of physical sales might do to the gifting market’.

So why still purchase CDs?

Firstly, you get to keep them, forever. When merging mine and my husband’s collections, I threw out the duplicates (three copies of Evanescence ‘Fallen’, two copies of Cher’s ‘Heart of Stone’, and two copies of the Spice Girls self-titled debut), and those inherited from family members over the years (David Sanborn and a lot of Jazz Collections), but as a rule, I don’t get rid of CDs. I sold a shoe box’s worth at a car boot sale once, and have always regretted it. I’m not likely to ever go and buy myself another copy of S Club 7’s first album, but it would have been nice to still have it for the odd trip down memory lane. It’s like I’ve given away an old photo – I wouldn’t be looking at it every day, and yes it was embarrassing (but then again, what 10-year-old wasn’t an S Club Fan at the time?!), but it would be nice to still have. Spotify is good for a nostalgia sesh - I can pop on a ‘throw-back’ playlist and be instantly transported to all the singles from the 90s and early noughties I’d forgotten I loved, but there’s something special about pulling out an old CD single from the shelves, looking at the £1.99 Virgin Megastores sticker, and putting it on repeat like I did in the good old days. Even better than that is having a friend come round and peruse the collection (“Oh my God – Mandy Moore! I forgot she sang…”). While we like to think we have all the music we’ll ever need downloaded onto our iPod or laptops, realistically, the devices inevitably deteriorate, and you’re left trying to move a back-catalogue of files from one device to another, or, heaven forbid, losing them all should a laptop crash completely (and in their attempts to prevent file sharing, Apple don’t make it all that easy to move music files across devices or create back-ups, let’s be honest).

Streaming has its benefits – WMSH’s visualiser Emily and I often like to share our ‘track of the week’ via Spotify (this week it was Theory of a Deadman’s ‘Bad Girlfriend‘, FYI). Working in different offices, it allows us to share music across the country, and I can instantly consume the entire back catalogue of an artist on the back of an offhand recommendation. Sharing CDs has, over the years, only lead to them getting lost or scratched. I also like to listen to playlists while I work – because if I use CDs, I listen to the same one 10 times in a day before I realise it’s starting to grate. But there’s a place for CDs and a place for streaming; the two can co-exist.

But what about vinyl, I hear you ask? I’m young enough to have come into the game too late to find the pops and crackles of vinyl nostalgic – I just find them annoying – but that aside, and probably more importantly, you can’t pop them in the car. FM transmitters allow you to listen to Spotify in the car by sending phone/iPod tunes to your car radio, but I found the musical driving experience lacking. When I keep the same CD album in the car for a couple of weeks, I get to know all the songs, decide which ones I like, learn the lyrics, and slowly start to sing along. With Spotify, I find myself listening to an ever revolving playlist. Even if I tried listening to an album, inevitably it would jump to the next one, or I’d move on deliberately, just because there’s so many to choose from and they’re all right there. It’s hard to get quite as intimately acquainted with an album as when they’re on CD, plus I can grab a CD off the shelf on the way out the door, and just pop it in, press play. Dealing with FM transmitters and streaming on my phone requires a myriad of cables, not to mention being fully charged, having data and phone signal.

Purchasing an album can be a memorable experience in itself, and while vinyl offers that with second-hand and thrift store purchases, Record Store Day and special editions, it’s often overlooked that CDs do too. I remember walking around a dusty little CD shop in Italy when staying with a friend, and picking up a copy of K’s Choice ‘Almost Happy’ on a whim. My friend and I then went back and lay on the bedroom floor of her Italian grandmother’s house, listening to it on a CD Walkman, one ear phone each. That CD will always remind me of Italy. My Iron and Wine and Calexico CDs will always take me back to Fopp in Glasgow (which has ALL the random exports you’ll ever need for just £5 each) and I discovered KT Tunstall in HMV at one of their listening posts. It’s hard to have a memorable experience buying a download. Memories are made of smell, feeling, touch, and human interaction, and it’s just not the same clicking ‘buy’ on a browser.

Amazon is good for filling in specific gaps, things not sold in the UK and things too obscure for the shops to stock but for a new release, it’s got to be HMV. Woe betide the person who came up with the idea of an Amazon pre-order that arrives only a few days after the release date. HMV is also great for a random browse. Although you can no longer listen to CDs in the shop, I’ll still go in and browse, and often spot an album that I had always meant to buy, or a live version I didn’t know existed. Not to mention, their new ‘New Country’ section is a big fave of mine (though could do with filling up with a few more female country artists in my opinion). HMV purchases also come with customer reviews and points. My purchases over the last few months have given me the opportunity to enter a prize draw for a trip to Naples over 15 times, and while I’ve not won yet…I will keep trying. I will also continue to persistently review the sales persons, for the dream that one day, after more than a decade of trying, I will win that £250 worth of HMV vouchers. Where are the member’s points for buying multiple downloads on Apple Music?

That brings us to the last bastion of physical music: the gift purchase. My Dad and I have a tradition of me buying him CDs as presents. I pick out something I think he’ll not have heard of but will like, and it’s something for him to explore and enjoy and for us to share. When you hand over an Apple Music Voucher, even if you do put a Post It on it with ‘suggested purchases’ (which I do for my Mum), you don’t really know what they’ll buy with it, and all you’re really sharing is cash.

There are lots of reasons for record companies to consider and support the CD format in their packaging of a record. Car listeners, CD collectors and gift buyers are a significant demographic. But music buyers too could stand to reconsider their purchasing habits if they’ve stopped buying CDs. Maybe pop into HMV next time you’re near one, and take a browse. Rediscover the lost art of finding and buying something you didn’t expect to, which you’ll then have a physical copy of, to have and to hold, from this day forward, forever and ever…amen.

Alice Hunt / @mrsalicehunt who produces events at WMSH to fund her CD habit.

#music industry #CDs

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hopelesslylovesick · 7 years ago

Text

Perspective

07/15/17 || Cocaine

12:22 am

I just did my first line. I have the magnolia video going. I don’t know what’s going on....

12:29 am

Weeknd’s Reminder never sounded so good.

12:34 am

Going to do another line, I think I’ll properly start feeling it after I do.

I think I’m going to be binging weeknd for a bit.

Sort of fucked up but I’m looking so forward to being able to do my next line...fuck LOL

12:43 am

Time do another line, probably going to go do stuff for a bit right after.

1:20 am

I did a line earlier at 1, and did another one just now. Think I’m going to go through the True to Self album, I feel like it’s a dope vibe.

Also...I feel like I should have gone to the club with her tonight. How could I have left her on her own, trusting the people there to take care of her was a mistake...fuck I just hope she’s okay. She deserves to be happy. She really does.

I opened all the usual tumblr pages...I think I’m going to read old stuff again, that always helps somehow....

1:29 am

I’ve been reading her written posts on insta. I feel a little nauseous. Think I’ll do the line anyways, might numb it away......

Also, I’m probably going to end up reading again what she said to me that night when I told her everything... It seems to be almost a routine at this point....Fuck

Just did the line.

1:37 am

I feel so...strange. Not physically speaking but, just very....unsure? I don’t even know what to call this. Think I’ll do the line early and do it now.

Reading our old messages, the early ones where it was still a surprise to her for me to be the way I was....

Fuck, she just called me asking me where he is. She’s so drunk. I’m really praying someone is there to take care of her and make sure she’s okay...fuck I should have gone tonight.

I feel like looping Nevermind This Interlude. I also barely debated doing more lines. This is so fucked, fucking hell.....

1:51 am

Time to do a line.

Reading really old posts, like from the first couple months when I first met her. Also switched to Rolling Stone now.

I hope she’s okay

Haha that’s pretty funny in a weird, throwback kind of way. I totally forgot that the way I used to hint to her I wasn’t okay was telling her I was thinking whenever she asked me what I was up too. That seems like so long ago, yet not at the same time....

Switched to High for This

2:01 am

Not sure why, but felt like listening to it so switched to Keep the Family Close. Also going to do a line now.

Reading the messages when I was considering OD. It’s honestly pretty interesting to read these convos, gives a really peculiar feeling.

She’s been texting me every once in a while throughout the night about how she misses him...damn.

Drake’s Freak In You remix was a good choice.

2:12 am

Going to do a line now. Probably going to start listening to party for a bit now.

God...I found the messages of when I told her I knew and I instantly felt sick....That pain...that whole experience was something I don’t ever want to go through again.

2:23 am

Started listening to Ed like 5 minutes ago. She also just called, taking her friend home, so probably going to call her again to keep her company just in case. Also, going to do a line right now.

2:35 am

Did another line. I’m trying to make sure she’s okay but she’s not sober at all fucking hell.

2:44 am

Shit, I feel like she might have noticed that I’m not sober, or at the very least that somethings off when I called her. My voice didn't come out right because my throat is fucked. Hopefully she’s drunk enough to not remember this...

I should have fucking gone tonight, why is it that the one night I don’t go this happens, fucking hell I’m just going to always go now just in case.

2:47 am

Interesting, because I was listening to Ed for a bit, I’m listening to his Say It cover. I’m not mad tho, it’s so good anyways. Also going to do a line now probably. Also I’m praying either one of her friends finds her or she somehow gets home.

Fuck I can’t reach her. Also listening to Say You Won’t Let Go, but going to switch to You’re Beautiful now.

Holy shit, it’s amazing live. I think I like it better then the normal version, the acoustic vibe just fits the song perfectly.

Also, still super anxious about her.

I reached her, thank god. I think...

Also, I just went through a bunch of 2000s classics, like Jason Mraz’s Lucky and what not. Listening to You Found Me now haha.

Why won’t she pick up, wtf. I’m hoping so bad she’s okay. Hopefully she gets found soon. I’m so fucking worried, dammit.

I totally forgot about The Script’s Breakeven. This is definitely a classic as well.

2:58 am

Just switched to No Doubt. Felt like a different vibe. Going to do a line now as well.

God, this song is so good as well. Think I’ll listen to Creep next.

NEVERMIND, I just remembered Dido’s White Flag was a thing. This is actually a childhood throwback. Wow....that’s crazy. I feel like listening to Nickleback’s Photograph next, their old stuff was actually great, LOL

Gotta listen to Stan real quick before that, that chorus is the stuff of legends.

Forget Photograph, How You Remind Me is the real banger from them, so many memories associated with this single song. Just chilling in the old house’s basement as a kid. God, that was actually such a great time. Everything so much more simple....

Also haven’t been able to reach her for a bit now again, shit.

Listening to Creep now, it sounds so good. Think I’ll listen to the cover after this.

She was with the fuckboy from tinder. Really. Fucking hell. Fucking. Hell.

3:08 am

I’m doing a line.

Listening to Every Breath You Take now, idk why but yeah. God I’m lowkey so fucking annoyed. Holy shit. I want to like, beat the shit out of something LOL.

Okay, I’m going to try calm down. Cause being mad literally doesn’t do anything. I can’t do anything rn anyways. Listening to Musiq’s Love now, this song will definitely do the trick.

Old school R&B is actually one of the greatest things. It’s just so good. It’s both so emotional yet so sonically amazing as well. If anything, the fact that it’s still popular now and sampled by so many modern artists is a clear indication of it’s impact and how timeless it is. Think I’m going to listen to more old R&B. Probably start of with Ne-Yo or something.

On Boys II Men now, End of the Road is one of those classics that everyone just knows, but it’s also actually a good song at the same time. Another timeless song.

3:19 am

Haven’t heard from either of them for a bit now, getting anxious and worried again, fuck. Also on Tamia’s Officially Missing You, the original never sounded this good to me, it’s so smooth. Think I’ll still listen to the cover though, but goddamn is this good.

Also, going to do a line now.

I listened to the studio version of the cover for a bit, but I feel like live could be better so switched. Oh it’s definitely better, in some ways at least. Feels more intimate, more personal.

Well I just emptied whatever was left int he bag, which wasn’t much to be honest. This is so fucked. Also think I’m going to listen to Taeyang song, then GD’s. Youtube suggested pulling through hard right now.

3:29 am

Why have none of them updated me, holy shit I hope everything is okay...

Listening to GD’s That XX, probably going to switch the song when I do a line though. Speaking of which, I have the last 3 set up now. I already know I’m going to lowkey crave more once I finish it. Whatever....

Went with Sam Smith’s Lay Me Down. It’s....I don’t know what to call what I’m feeling, but it’s almost putting things into perspective, in a weird sort of way.

3:31 am

Doing a line now.

Listening to I’m Not The Only One now....it just feels right to now...

Holy shit I just realized how much I texted her. I think it’s fine though, shouldn’t make her too suspicious. She is lost downtown late at night after all. It’s an appropriate response....

Just finished reading all of our conversation from when I told her. I left off near the end earlier and forgot. I don’t know how I feel. Probably because of the numbness. Also been listening to When I Was Your Man. Think I’ll switch soon though.

I don’t know if it’s the coke or I’m just remembering wrong, but a lot of songs seem to be faster then I remember. Like the one I’m listening to right now, Stay.

Also, I feel strangely sober, like super awake, although that’s definitely the coke doing that LOL. Like a 99.99999% chance that it’s the blow.

I see why people love Love On The Brain so much, it’s pretty good. Not amazing though. Now I feel like listening to Rihanna’s best hits.

Take a Bow is such a throwback, holy.

Suddenly just got the urge to listen to Halo. Probably will go to Adele after this.

3:41 am

Time to do another line. Going to turn up Halo a bit more, this song needs to be heard in a way that it feels like it’s just fulfilling.

Just set up the last line, as in gathering all the stray stuff around it. I’m really hoping she’s okay...fucking hell. He’s not responding either.

Took a quick detour and listening to No One right now. Also, I’m pretty much fully convinced the white is making the songs feel like they have a faster beat they they really do. No way No One was this fast.

3:46 am

And now it’s time for the end. Listening to Someone Like You right now. Think I’ll switch to the live version soon though. It’s just so good. Feels so much more real, genuine, so much more personal. It also sounds better in some parts I feel like.

3:52 am

She just called me and told me how it wasn’t supposed to be like this, how he was genuinely unhappy. How she felt so dirty. What can I do. What am I supposed to do. Fucking hell. I’m going to play the live version now and just do the last line. I wish I had more. Might even drink...

3:58 am

I should have done the line a bit ago, but I feel like I should wait for the right moment. It just feels like the right thing to do...

I hope she really does call back...

Also I think she might suspect something, not surprised tbh. I told her I’m tired and I’m still up, just doesn't really add up....

4:00 am

She just called, she’s all good and safe. Thank god. Time to end off my night too I guess...if I even can.

Did the line, the end is always a weird feeling. I’m debating if I should listen to this one more time and try to gather my thoughts like I used too. That was originally the point after all...

4:12 am

She just texted me “how the fuck u know”

I don’t know what she means by that....hopefully nothing bad. Actually now that I think about it I’m pretty sure I know what it’s about. If it’s what I’m thinking everything’s all good, at least to a certain extent I guess.

4:33 am

She just called, she’s definitely bothered, and has a lot on her mind. She asked to text, I’m guessing because there’s other people around.

5:30 am

I just had a massive conversation with her. Haven’t been that deep and real with her in a really long time. It’s a strange feeling, but really familiar at the same time. Oh, I thought she fell asleep but I guess not. She just texted me she’s going to cry. Fuck. I hope she listens to me and calls me.

5:50 am

Still talking to her, I think. Yeah she’s still awake I’m pretty sure. I’ve constantly been asking her, pushing her to tell me, or at least decide. She finally did, cause her phones about to die so maybe that’s why haha, but she decided. She decided that she doesn’t want to leave him.

If I’m being honest, I can’t say I’m happy with what she decided. Of course I’m not, how could I be. But, it’s what she wants, what she genuinely wants, so I’m going to do my best to help her in any way I can like I always have been...

I find that lately I’ve been wondering, asking myself randomly why I’m still here. Why I’m still there for her as much as I am. I can’t say it’s just because she’s a friend, I don’t think any friend would do as much as I do, not even bragging, just how it is. I know I care for her a lot, that has never changed, and honestly dont think it ever will. She’s someone I just genuinely want to be happy, whatever that is. But...I can’t help but think, wonder every once in a while, if I do this out of love. Obviously I love her. You can love people platonically. People like close friends and family. People who you have a sort of unconditional love for, who you would do nearly anything, if not everything to make sure they’re happy.

But, it’s hard, it’s really hard to figure out where the line is between loving someone and being in love with someone. I know it’s probably the first, it makes the most sense, and it can’t and shouldn’t be any other way. I dont know why I’m starting to get confused about this again, although if I’m being honest with myself it’s probably because I’m trying to figure out what I feel for the other girl. I barely know her, but I feel like there might be potential? I don’t know what I’m saying anymore....

Lately, it seems more and more frequently....I’ve had the urge to just tell it all, tell her how I’ve felt, how I feel now, and everything I’ve ever thought. Everything I’ve ever thought and had to go through and endure and pretend was fine in order to maintain this precious relationship I have with her. This is, and can be enough for me. I can be happy with being her close friend. But I’d be lying if I said I don’t get the urge for more then just that every once in a while. Hell....it might be possible that urge is always there, but I’ve just subconsciously learned to suppress it, and shove it all the way into the deepest corner of my mind so I can’t ever stumble upon it...

Coke, for as terrible as it is for all the obvious reasons, really does help me express all my feelings, properly, nothing held back. I don’t know if what I did tonight was a good thing to be honest, I can’t say I don’t have doubts about what I said, about the possible repercussions of it. But... I think it was better to say it then not. At least now, when it’s still not too late.....

I think that’s the main reason why I hate him so much. I couldnt really put a reason on it, because I wasnt sure myself, just knew only what I felt... But I think it’s because of what I thought what feels like a time so long ago... That he’s insanely lucky, to me extremely fortunate to have someone like her in love with him. Someone like her who would do anything for him. Someone who is amazing in every way.... I don’t know what I feel for her. I honestly don’t. Realistically, I’m probably going to sleep and wake up today totally disregarding all the things I just poured out. I know everything I said is the honest truth, I really dont believe that it’s anything but.

But....I just can’t say it, maybe I’m too much of a coward, maybe I waited too long and now it’s too late, or maybe I just dont really feel that way and Im just confused about my feelings. None of that matters in the end though, because you just cant go back after something like that.... Who knows, maybe you could, but I honestly would rather not risk it and keep what I have with her. It’s that exact reason that makes me doubt my “feelings,” makes me think I’m delusional. Because if you really love someone,...shouldn’t you want them at any cost? Or is it really love because I’m doing what’s at least best for her, what would make her happiest? I honestly don’t know. It’s something I dont think I’ll ever truly know how I truly feel about it unless I confront her and tell her everything.... Just have to find the right time I guess. But...I already know her answer. Doesn’t matter if I tell her now or later. She won’t ever be in love with me, and that’s why I think I haven’t done anything yet.

Because at the end of the day she doesnt love me, and I dont think she ever will.

So I need to move past it however way I can and be the most that I can be for her.

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