#every second i was like im about to die im going to die in a second how the fuck have i not died yet
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"And soda; runs off into the street..." "...and soda... is totally okay!"
#jrwi fanart#jrwi show#jrwi suckening#cw blood#something something cracking open a boy w the cold ones#IF THERE ARE ANY MISTAKES I MISSED I SWWWEAR TO JEBEDIAH. IF I STARE AT THIS ANYMORE IM GONNA DIE IT NEEDS TO BE DONE#ALSO RRRAAAHAHHHGHGH CAN I JUST TAKEA SECOND TO SCREEAAMM ABT HOW MUCH I LOVE SODA AND EMIZEL.. LIKE THERYE SO CUTE....#THEY ARE HOMIES THAT KISS EACHOTHR GOODNIGHT. THEY CARE SO MUCH FOR EACHOTHER. SODA LOVES SODA AND SODA LOVES YOU#do u guys remember how willing he was to share blood w his vampire bestie. like cmon. remember when emizel memorized sodas Soda Schedule.#LIKE CMON.... they just have eachothers backs so much. ouhhh my god... ANYWAY SO THE ART HUH. I FEEL LIKE I SCRAMBLED W IT FOR A WHILE#DRAWIN IS HARD..... i think i did well in the end tho.. i like the lil heart beat effects. and i hope i made soda look Suffieciently Scared#i ALSO had fun w the teeth. i however did not have fun w the walls. if i had more drugs i mightve done every brick in more detail#but i didnt WANNA!!!! this will suffice.I HOPE IT FLOWS WELL&THAT ITS CLEAR... IVE STARED AT IT SO LONG IT IS NOW VISUAL SOUP. HELP!!!#i want my comics to have more Pauses and Space and Thought and Momence. i feel like normally they go so fast. but THIS time#i think i did good.... huuoouhhhh.... comics are HARD art is HARD but i am HARDER. or something. OH YEAH I HAVE MORE ART THINGS#soda was RLY HARD FOR ME TO DRAW FOR A MINUTE..but i like where his design is now. i wanted his hair to be curly swirly.like soda fizz#i THINK thats all my thoughts for now. if u have thoughts u should spill them in the tags i looooove reading tttaaggsss#have a goodnight i gotta go to work soon. maybe. unless the casinos power goes out AGAIN. OR SEOMTHING... UUGHHH MY SCHEDULE IS IN SHAMBLES#I THOUGHT I WAS WORKIN 3 DAYS INA ROW SO I RENTED A WHOLE DAMN HOTEL BC THE JOB PLACE IS FAR AWAY.. I HAD TO CANCEL THE WHOLE RESERVATOn#annd im MMMMAD ABOUT IT!!! like ill get over it ofc BUT IM PEEVED!!!! IM INCONVIENIENCED AND GENTLY AGGRIVATED. BUT OVERALL FINE.#hope yalls weekend goes well. sleep well. if u get the chance to.
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I am living for all of the thirsty tags you guys add when you reblog my shit. Absolutely unhinged. Never change, friends.
#Im adding my favorites in the tags get ready XD#anonymously of course but no shame you guys seriously i love you all!!!#is it possible to die from yearns#i want to lick every drop of sweat off his body#insert ''god i wish that was me'' meme#absolutely feral#that face and look feel illegal#i am unwell#I'm fine#this is fine#everything is fine#i need this man to go down on me while gale fucks him ok i think that would be healing#biting him biting him biting him#he’s so handsome I want to slap him#that second to last picture finna make me PASS OUT#he needs to be stopped#or he needs to [redacted] me#you better STOP#UUUGGGGHHHHH FUCK I WANNA BITE HIM#I'm going to crush him#i'm ruined for all other men for the rest of my life#i want 2 bite him#stop smiling at me like that ill kill us both#what dat tongue do#what dat mouf do???#that look in his eyes is straight up pornographic#that’s the look of a man about to feast#and Lord I want to be an all-you-can-eat buffet#the druid speaks
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thinking about isobel and ketheric, and my durge and ketheric, and isobel and my durge
like ketheric whos entire personality is centered around being a failed father, dirge who lives solely and exclusively for a father who does not love him, isobel being horribly violated for the sake of fatherly love in the name of a person shell never be again like excuse me this trio of people makes me go insane
ketheric and dirge like!! zealot recognizes zealot, ketheric knows what its like to be devoted wholeheartedly to a god who will discard you and thats explicitly why he has a businesslike relationship with myrkul, who KNOWSSS ketherics heart isnt in it but doesnt care, ketheric who never fully believed in the absolute plan but carried it out nonetheless, ketheric who nonsensically traded the death of the world for his daughters life, who in reality most likely traded his afterlife for isobels life, knowingly condemning himself to never see melodia again, to an eternity of torture at myrkuls hands, just so isobel can breathe again. dirge knowing with perfect clarity his own father would never do that for him. ketheric knowing that kind of hopeless devotion and willful blind ignorance leads to a kind of iron will that makes dirge genuinely dangerous but pitying the poor fool nonetheless because despite dirges clear intelligence and skill, despite his overwhelmingly obvious power, hes shackled to a self destructive idiot whod bite off his own arm just to spite the world who couldnt give a single fuck about dirges mental state or how that affects achieving bhaals OWN goals and fulfilling his OWN desires, because ketheric understands perfectly well a god will be stupid and selfish first and reasonable and measured second. dirge hating ketheric not just for being a wishywashy traitor who cant settle on something to be devoted to, but because ketheric has the shit figured out. its a zero sum game. theres no winning, only different types of losers, and embracing that truth means acknowledging his entire life has been a pointless self destructive waste that will never give him the satisfaction and actualization dirge craves, so its easier and more stable to just interpret ketheric as a coward. except hes going to kill himself for isobel. going to go through hell for her. theres a level of devotion and love and care there that dirge has only experienced once in his life and the memory of it is enough to drive him to madness, but despite it all ketheric IS competent. is level and measured and powerful and capable of looking past his own self interest to the far horizon of victory, is tactical and clever and willing to wade into the fray. so dirge hates, and admires, and envies, and pities, and reflexively seeks out and avoids ketheric in equal measure. wants to carve him up until he finally breaks, screaming for a god that wont hear him as just rewards for his insolence (because dirges loyalty will SURELY be rewarded, loyalty to his god and to his father, certainly), cant stand the idea of working alongside anyone else, hates being around him but hates doing things without him, falling into old habits of depravity just to get away from the cacophany of emotion and the introspection it tries to trigger.
and then ketheric is doing all of this for someone who doesnt really exist. the isobel he wants to revive isnt real. its a version of her thats stripped hollow of the things that make her, HER. he wants an isobel that doesnt love aylin, he wants an isobel that is content to remain in place and be protected by him, where he was the center of her world. he wants an isobel that hasnt existed for over a century. he wants an isobel like he remembers thinking of the days before melodia died. its why despite everything he gives up for her, if ketheric gets his hands on isobel he tadpoles her. the tadpoles are just a convenient tool for cutting away the unnecessary parts of a person, things they dont need and wont want afterwards. isobel mourns the father she had after her mother died, but ketheric wants the isobel she used to be when melodia was still present in their lives. the isobel after melodia died eventually left him for aylin. grew up and became a person outside of their small family and community. had interests and desires and goals that took her away from him. she doesnt need aylin, doesnt need anything besides family. thats whats important, thats whats worth ruining lives over. everything after isobel was just a failed copy, not even worth reminiscing over. everyone beyond isobel doesnt matter. desecrate the family tomb, abuse your son, drag your aunts and uncles and brothers and sisters out from the grave just to see if it works, if it sticks, because the whole world revolves around a little girl who stopped existing long before she died, because she became someone else someone new and left you floundering alone. youll get them back even if it means you burn in hell forever, those few precious moments are worth it, itll all be worth it, its already worth it. kill yourself kill the world because the only god worth dying for is the one found in between poorly scratched letters on a paper rotting from age that say "love you papa, -I T". live every day with the smoke and the rot knowing that your father loved you so much he cant even look at who you are now. live every day knowing its a gift you cant return to a man who doesnt see you, knowing that all youll ever have are ghosts that seek to hollow you out and play pretend with the shell. hes awful. hes horrible. hes a monster. hes your dad and he loves you so much its killing you. will kill you. has killed you. has killed everything you could ever want in your life. hes your dad. he read you stories when you were small. kept you from falling apart when your mother died. your rock in stormy seas. he wants to read you another story. its dark outside. its scary. this story has a happy ending. its just for you. the girl in the picture book has your name but doesnt look like you at all. its written in silver blood. theres an ache that wont leave, a rot that refuses to mend, a scar that wont close, and its all for love
thinking about dirge being the one to drag isobel from her coffin, to bring her back for the sake of sealing a pact that will end the world, going against his entire religion the whole reason for his existence just for the sake of fulfilling his own fathers dreams. children living at the behest of their parents, denied death for their fathers selfish whims. isobel autopsied and opened, layers peeled back. gortash and ketheric never exhumed a body, never prepared it for the grave, never made such an intimate study of death. gortash unwilling to bloody himself unnecessarily, ketheric unwilling to look past the deathmask to see isobels interior, so its dirge, it has to be him, the only one willing to bite down his own desires for the greater good. an unforgivable violation of autonomy, but the only one who thinks of it as such is the scion of the murder god. she cant consent. she cant choose to be apart of this, to sacrifice herself for a cause greater than herself. he has to inflict this upon her. life is suffering and madness and delusion. death is peace, and he is the holy vessel of transition from one state to the other. this? this is blasphemy. she has already fled this horrid blighted world for a better one, and here he is participating in blasphemous ritual. its for the sake of their plan, its for the sake of enacting his fathers dreams (as all children know, you are naught but a vessel to achieve the goals they could not in their time), but she cannot even take glory in the knowledge of her sacrifice, cannot even know she is a sacrifice until its too late to go back. carves open and peels back the picturesque skin, preserved by gloom and arid darkness and sealed stone to keep away the rot. peeling away the mask of Isobel Thorm to see the visceral rotting insides of a person ketheric cant stand to see.
clearing away the ruin and decay so something new can take its place. corpses are objects fled of souls, no longer a person, no longer anything and thus free to toy and play with as boredom and curiosity desires, but this is not a thing. this will again be a person, a vessel to trap someone inside of, to force them to suffer and persist and delude and live and he cant even ask if shell do it. do it to help him break the world and put an end to this madness forever. cant convince her of the rightousness of it, the necessity of it, cant help but use her for it. to gortash she is a token exchanged for power, to ketheric she is a snapshot of a better world he wants to go back to, but only here on this dirty bloodstained table with a bhaalspawn elbow deep in her organs is she a person, whos autonomy and personhood is being irrevocably violated. his nature is to free them of these shackles, to snip the cords and revel in the ensuing destruction, and here he is binding her again. the humiliation, the horror, of being set loose from this hellscape only to be brought back. to be dragged, kicking and screaming, back into living. to be subject to such awful blasphemy. here in the dark and the quiet where there is no voice to speak back to him, when there is no rushing blood or beating hearts to call forth his purpose, there and then does armageddons prophet desire forgiveness, only in this shadowed purgatory can someone truly see. when all the world lies dead at my feet, i will beg forgiveness from no one but you. lamb on the altar, holy blood, if such desecration was not necessary for the cleansing of suffering, i would never deign to subject you to it. to you alone do i tender my apologies, my blessed father may forgive this sin in light of the retribution it will call forth, but cruel fate has chosen you without your knowledge to bear this disgusting violation, and the only salve i can offer is that, gods willing, you will not suffer long. to live in a world that could give rise to something like me is a torture i would not wish upon anyone, and for the sake of my father i inflict it upon you nonetheless. when you rise, my only thoughts will be of murder, holy and pure. but here in the dark, when you are at peace and i am not, i think of you, and what youd want, and how no one would ever, COULD ever, ask for what i do to you here. here in the quiet i breathlessly whisper a prayer meant only for your ears, a second sin i cannot stop myself from committing, here where you cannot hear me but God surely can, a wish that i will surely pay for dearly, a punishment i endure willingly and without complaint, a smallest fraction of the torment i knowingly inflict upon you. i live, and soon so shall you, and for that, i will never know peace.
im so sorry. i did it for love
#bg3 durge#bg3#bg3 dark urge#bg3 isobel#bg3 ketheric#ketheric thorm#isobel thorm#dirgecore#dirgeposting#like just for the record this is my particular durge but AUGHHHHHHH#dirge being the only person who routinely and regularly thinks about isobel as a person instead of as a symbol#dirge who consistently chooses her at every crossroads even when it hurts him#isobel who gets a second chance at life twice over because of him#dirge sacrificing his religious beliefs (literally the ONLY thing he lives for) to participate in bringing isobel back#dirge fighting off the urge (which makes him attack his loved ones!!!) because he refuses to hurt her#dirge making an enemy of shar because he wont let shadowheart become a gods pawn and he wont sacrifice aylin for the conditional love of go#isobel who didnt want to die. didnt know how to live after reviving. getting her life AND a reason to live back because of dirge#who lost everything because of the domino effects of those choices#who got his own second chance because of those choices#like it really is just that quiet moment where neither of them can talk to the other#because shes dead and he isnt#and then they BOTH get new lives free of their fathers because of it#LIKE AUGHHHHHHH IM SO FUCKING NORMALLLL#ITS SEEING EACH OTHER WHEN NO ONE ELSE WILL!!!#in that silent tomb. ''your a person. i see you even if your father doesnt''.#and then AGAIN back to him in last light!!! ''your a person. i see you even if your father doesnt'' LIKE!!!!#ARE YOU PEOPLE SEEING THIS!!!!
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as badly as i want to avoid my mom she is making it extremely difficult
#i feel really bad that im so angry at her and she doesnt even know it#but my entire living situation is making me miserable right now and its her fault#she charges me $50 in rent every week and shes increasing it to $125 a week at the end of the month#the only reason this is happening is because she FORCED ME to drop out and the only other alternative was that i had to work full time + pa#rent.............. but like at my job even if im working 40 hrs a week ill only be making abt $900 a month#so i will barely have anything leftover for myself after rent#and i cannot get a second job bc i frankly can not handle it at all + what hours would i even work#and my mom refuses to understand that the reason i had to drop out is bc i am so depressed and so suicidal and i just dont want to live#she doesnt acknowledge that im disabled and severely mentally ill#every time i try to talk about my mental health she treats me like im such a burden to her even though i literally never tell her anything#personal anymore bc she just doesnt listen or care#ALSO she FORCED ME to move across the country and transfer schools when i really did not want (hence why i flunked all of my classes bc i d#not care) but like. everything thats wrong in my life rn is bc i do not want ot live where im living and theres no way for me to go back to#texas and also i dont rly wanna live w my dad either#but anyways. this whole situation would be better if my mom was using me paying rent as an actual lesson in adult respinsibility#but it's really just a punishment because i cant function the way she wants me to#and im over it#so fucking over it why am i such a pussy why cant i just die
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brother was talking to me about how if you almost die from an extreme-temperature-related incident then your body is just forever fucked towards that temperature and that's why i think kiryu and saejima are weak to ice. i dont know why aoki isn't like that too but ignore that statistic everything else tracks.
#snap chats#i already made this post highkey but im making it again cause i didnt know this was an actual real thing ☠️#my brother learned this when he started to work for target. because apparently that's a thing they tell you frame one#'snap how did this topic even come up' i am LITERALLY so glad you asked :) the cold has almost claimed me twice#am i exaggerating Maybe but its my fucked up body temperature now listen#when i was younger i got locked out of my house for like. three hours since i was a latchkey kid#and my dad wasn't supposed to come home with my siblings (from their after school events) for Three Hours#and it had snowed outside and Was Cold Yeah and i couldn't get in cause i forgot my key like a weiner#and yeah. was really cold :) my dad was real cross with me when he found me shivering in the shed LOL#he made me hot cocoa tho so its ok. second incident's just funny No I Talk About It Evvery Other Week#and im p sure i talked bout the first incident too but yeah that time after the con when i was at my sister's#like i cannot stress how cold it was because It Was Late November and the cold still existed#and my sister's heater just. Didnt Work but yeah. i wont go into detail cause i share this story every five seconds#POINT IS i've always had a hard time with the cold- like i'm cold nearly all the time even if the room is 90 degrees#i wont be COLD cold but i'll be colder than i like#anyways can't believe i'm weak to ice this is so sad. i love winter..#aoki isn't weak to ice cause uhhhh /aoki/ didnt almost die in the cold 🥴 masato did 🥴#imagine changing your identity so well that you just remove your past elemental weakness. fucked up.#alright bye
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the hill that i will die on is that cas would have never said he loved dean if he had to deal with the consequences of it afterwards, meanwhile dean (who was SUPPOSED to tell cas he loved him in the original crypt scene script) would have eventually worked up to saying it without external pressure
#listen#LISTEN#i know there's a bunch of takes out there that basically amount to dean being too emotionally stunted to know what he's feeling#but dean's problem has always been being TOO connected to his emotions and being unable to process that#meanwhile cas our sexy avoidant king and chronic ghoster would rather die than acknowledge something that big#like are we forgetting that cas's big move after fucking everything up was to go insane and basically not deal with the problem#meanwhile dean is trying to have a heart to heart with every family member love interest and pseudo adopted daughter every six seconds#ANYWAY yeah#if cas hadn't have made a deal with the empty and if that deal didn't ultimately conveniently correlate with saving dean's life?#cas wouldn't have said shit#FREAK <3#mean while dean winchester (WHO HAD MORE TO SAY IN PURGATORY!) would have eventually worked his way up to it#and im not saying he'd handle it well bc he'd probably drop it and then be weird about it forever#but he's more likely to be the first to acknowledge it if they weren't being pressured by outside forces#dean studies#cas studies#im so fucking normal about them#dean winchester#castiel
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#tko_art#oh no every single bad thing anyones ever said to me is running thru my mind!!#nothing makes me happy anymore and i think im slowly going insane#im just so bitter about editing because the ceiling for blender is so fucking jigh#and i feel like im going to die any second#i think the worst part of being depressed is being unable to pick up anything to read#im just gonna turn over
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Its like. To luz, most of her friends/family have someone else in their lives that would lessen the impact if she were to, say, dramatically sacrifice herself for her friends. Perhaps in the events of the finale? This isnt true. She isnt replaceable. But luz is as close to suicidal as they can make her if they want to keep the shows rating and i can see her thinking that.
Her mom has vee now, another daughter in case her first daughter dies. Gus and willow, her best friends, are close with hunter. Maybe closer than they are with luz now, since shes been avoiding them. By the time they get back, eda will probably have gotten together with raine. King may have even befriended the collector. (though based on danas art hes probably just in a perpetual state of "mom pick me up im scared") and no matter what, eda and king will have each other like they did before luz. we dont know what luz was planning to do with her palisman when she decided to permanently stay in the human realm, but hunter is now conveniently without a palisman, so she could just let him use hers.
Hunter definitely has a family in camila but we dont really know if his relationship with vee is anything like his relationship with luz. If luz were to sacrifice herself, hed lose a sister. Or at least a trauma bestie. Or whatever found family niche he considers luz to be in. And amity? There is nothing luz could do to convince herself that amity would be fine being left behind. But luz already toyed with ending that relationship when she decided to stay in the human realm. It hurts, but i can see luz justifying to herself that whatever dramatic sacrifice shes planning is for the good of everyone and its worth breaking amitys heart.
And ofc by the power of good storytelling, good rep, and disneys s&p department theres no way luz and her friends aren't going to get a happy ending. She'll try to dramatically sacrifice herself as the climax of her character arc but her loved ones will save her. And then theyll finally get it through her head that she has value as a person, actually. And then lumity will kiss and the animation will get all smooth and the framerate will get high enough for them to do sick spells and defeat belos. And camila will adopt the collector and make him the powerful last of their kind noceda-clawthorne sibling #4. And the show will end with luz going to therapy or smth.
#the owl house#toh#shut up pandora#luz noceda#im so mentally ill about her#but yeah even fucking hooty has become bffsies with lilith#i know luzs suicide ideation so far has been because of her guilt#but part of suicide ideation is looking at your loved ones and wondering if theyd be okay if you died#in most ppls case no they would not be they would be fucking devastated but depression fucks with your perception of studd#and luz is the same#tbh this idea is probably too dark for a disney show and they dont have time to explore it probably#so theyll probably just go with 'luz feels soul crushing guilt' and leave it at that#but i love to explore it in fic#i do think luz will try to sacrifice herself like she does in every season finale#and like one member of the main trip actually does in every season finale#but the luz will die theorists are straight up wrong lmao it goes against the message of the show and the show ratings#she'll at most get a sick scar out of it#yall sound like me in middle school when i though disney would let alex hirsch kill off 12 year old mabel pines#suicide tw#to clarify nothing in the second paragraph is true luzs loved ones cant just replace her with another daughter/friend#and be done with it#but luz can think that
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hm. I just realized how weird it was that every year in school we had to have a moment of silence on 9/11 to remember the victims, and everyone took it really seriously. But when we had a designated time set for going outside and having a few minutes for the Parkland shooting victims our teacher told us “I don’t want to see any of you leaving my class for that. You don’t even understand what you’re protesting.”
Not that I would have known where to go for it anyway. They didnt really tell us where outside we would be gathering.
I wish i had stepped out that day anyways.
We have a god damn school shooting every fucking day in this country and I couldnt even take 17 minutes one fucking time to mourn with my classmates because the gun owners would’ve felt attacked.
#Meow.#Fuck the anthem. Fuck the pledge of allegiance#Fuck every stupid shithead conservative who made me feel ashamed or selfish for wanting better in this god forsaken place#Fuck America. Fuck your dumbass patriotism#Sick of this shit#I cant look at any comments on reports of school shootings because people dont even say ‘that really sucks’ anymore#Its immediately people jumping to the defense of guns and shitting on people who want some stricter regulations or something#‘I need my gun incase we have to overthrow the government’#like hey you dingdong. you know that military and police force you keep supporting and saying we need to strengthen?#your AR 15 isnt going to do shit against their tanks and jets and bombs. You’d be dead within seconds. gun or no gun#But then again their idea of anarchy and an attack on the country would involve queers getting bodily autonomy so#I feel like im going fucking crazy#I need to kick in every conservatives head. Every single one.#Sick of trying to be the tolerant left I need to kill now#Im so tired of being nice.#So tired of tiptoe-ing around shit just to keep people who couldnt care less about me comfortable.#When is it my turn to be an asshole?#When do I get say 'I have no atrong feeling as to whether you live or die. but if i had to choose I would wish you dead in an instant.'#Im tired of mercy. tired of grace.#tired of being one of the good ones.#i want to be exactly what they think of us but worse#sick of shoveling dirt into a bottomless void just to find some middle ground for them to spit on
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i am feeling so depressed rn but at least im writing good music
#these past five days have been like me slipping back into my old shit#i feel physically sick every second#but at least im writing a sad anxiety and abandonment issues song about my friend eventually getting sick of and leaving !! <3#that i didnt want to write bcs it felt like a bad omen and i was going to get too in my head#well now i am in my head write away you stupid loser idiot i hate myself#everyone else hates me no one will stay ‼️‼️#my therapist cant meet this week ‼️‼️🗣#i need to study for my english gcse but i cant make myself get up and do anything 👍👍🗣#im going to the eras tour in like 2 weeks but i want to die ‼️‼️#this is suposed to be a happy moment 👍#i know im spiraling#i catastrophise too fast everything will be okay#but it doesnt feel like it#the eras tour was my deadline for suicide before but i was doing better there for a moment#but not anymore#alex says shit#tw vent#tw sui ideation
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tw ////
#i feel my ed coming back ahhh#i stopped purging mainly because i have no privacy to and am terrified of being caught in the moment#and i stopped bc of my teeth....#but havent gotten binges under control completely#n been in a cycle#it's obvious ive gained in the past few months and it kills me i can never stop thinking about my body every second im awaks#but if i'm just going to kms then i might as well not care and die skinny.#i'm just really unhappy and i think if i started losing weigh again i'd have at least one less problem and that's worth it to me#idk. i haven't had an appetite lately thankfully but now i feel like i'll gain each time i eat lol
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currently.
#purrs#what if i was experiencing ordeals so mortifying and horrors so horrible i could not talk about them to anyone in full honesty and truth and#transparency not even the dearest people in my life who love me and actively want to support me and listen to me or my tumblr mutuals who#are literally my bestest friends who live in my phone and in some cases outside of it so instead i locked myself in my rapunzel tower and pr#proceeded to cut off my hair and then cut off my dress and then cut off my brain so it could stop perceiving stimuli and reacting to it#despite wanting to get better and thinking it’s getting better and i couldn’t even tell my therapist because he doesn’t get me but it takes#too long to find a new one and i don’t have time and also my tower was getting renovated and also i was a little bug who was getting.#crushed by giant rain drops falling on my shell and bending my antennae so im dizzy and also it’s as almost midnight and i had to be up at a#work awake in 6 hours and ready to fscilitwtbeblike 3 things but i was screaming and howling and pounding on the floor over the dumbest most#normal sjit in the entire world that i couldn’t tell anybody i was struggling over because it would make everybody in the world blow up and#die and explode. what if i had to communicate the horrors through memes and vague posts every single day and that was all that was truly at#my disposal and everyone thougut i was being weird and standoffish and mean but really i was pulsing hurt like a strobe light every second o#of every day. becaus ei think if all of that was true i would simply go to sleep without doing the dishes and redacted redacted redacted red#redacted. and i wish i could. but i can’t. I’m just a little beetle and the rain drops are so huge. lol#delete later#puslng INCOMMUNICABLE hurt *. like morse code. like fire flies. Because literally… 💡💡💡💡💡#<- girl who has had separation anxiety since the day she was born. but also girl who never texts anyone back. girl who is a hypocrite 🥰
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its so odd thinking back to my life a few years ago compared to now
#like. my life really sucked. its so weird to think about that. every second before i thought 'its not so bad' even when it was bad#and now i see shit it really was that bad. i really did have a reason to want to kill myself all the time#maybe i dont have to blame myself for the person i was before while i had was dealing with all that stuff. who could act normally in that#kind of situation. of course i did bad shit and feel bad about it but i was a kid. and now im treating her the way that i was always treate#back then. i was in survival mode the entire time and just never realized it#and its so strange to think about how my life sucked and i was scared and alone all the time from the perspective of myself now#im not without support anymore. im not walking on eggshells anymore. im not afraid of violence all the time anymore#i dont believe my family hates me anymore. im not ready to pack up and leave because i think theyd be better off without me anymore#before i got good at anything my hobby was thinking of all the ways i could die and who would care. i spent all my time doing this#my daydreams were only about how people would react if i died. i dont do this that often anymore. close to never. and its so odd to remembe#since i was 6 i used to think this way. and up until a year or two ago i hated every version of myself and blamed them for me#but how was that fair. my life doesnt suck anymore. people i was without came back to me and love me#i see my cousins all the time. when i text them they text back. they ask me if im okay. they know when im not eating even when theyre not#around. i dont walk on eggshells around my mom as much as i used to. her attention isnt as divided as it used to be.#my brother is more of a brother than a stranger or an enemy. the image of him now and our relationship compared to what it used to be is#crazy. i had so much reason to be sad back then. i dont know why im still sad now when i got out of that life.#even now the reasons i have to be sad have dissolved. i used to feel like i was going insane without anyone to say the things i want to to#but i can say them to my cousin now. i have places i belong. its so strange to think about. idk#aricouldyounot
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Stresses me out alot that i cant physically bind anymore idk what happened in the last few years but any kind of compression hurts and it sucks it was the only thing i could do now i cant even do that
#so i think abt my faves with huge honkers to make myself feel better#it doesnt work really but i guess the fictional solidarity as a concept helps#dysphoria#another day of absolutely hating my body and the government and yknow just being poor in general#idk what i can do#nothing ??? nothing hurts so much tho#i yearn for absolutely fucking nothing i just want to be blank straight edges no discernible gender features#looking at my body makes#me want to throw up die bury the parts i dont like#structurally its all wrong but im already biologically an adult the fuck can i do about it now#being trans is an absolute nightmare for me i hate every second of it honestly because i have nothing#i can do to help it or fix it or progress it#im angry and upset to say its dangerous for me to do anything about it.#and that im not brave enough to go fuck it. im envious of the people who love themselves enough to say fuck it we ball we do this our way#because i love myself and im doing it to be my authentic self#i envy those people a lot#wish that could be me.#but. also wish i could be algae or smth lol#same shit same woes#same as always and no money to afford professional help
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dont starve is kicking my ass btw
#really wish there was a way to like. restart a bit ahead?? if that makes sense??? like spawn with a few items already instead of having to#do it all over again every time#esp cause like. i dont have enough health to really spend time learning how to fight the enemies.#so i either stand still and kill them while losing 90% of my health and learning nothing about them#or i try to dodge and fail and die and have to start all over AGAIN#also the wiki for this game fucking sucks can i just saym i should not have to go seven links down in google to confirm that full moons#make it bright enough you can do stuff all night. that seems to be literally its number 1 function#'xyz mobs will turn into abc mobs' 'this one special item will show up' GREAT THOSE SEEM MAYBE LESS GENERALLY HELPFUL THAN JUST.#'the full moon provides full vidibility and prevents Charlie from spawning throughout the night'#easy peezy#grinding and gnashing my teeth like it is definitely fun and thats probably honestly a big part of the frustration#is that its like. im having a lot of fun and then in three seconds my world is ruined and i have to spend another hour or two building back#up from scratch#idk im used to hardcore being an optional difficulty increase rather than the baseline#except of course for binding of isaac but that game has WAY more in terms of self defense options#here i have a spear at best
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i hate when i can’t find a funny way to word something bothering me or a good reaction pic like what do we have now. crying my eyes out while legitimately only wishing my family was nice and liked me. fuck do i do with that
#personal#like oh.#there is no punch line i just straight up didn’t realize i’m depressed bc i’m not#actively thinking about how much i want to die every second of the day and have a full time job?#me abusing weed sleeping all the time unless i’m not getting back into my ed and having my relationship with all of my immediate family#go south one of which like six feet south: oh wow im doing better than i have in a long time *not even lying a little bit*
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