#every day i tell myself today im going to write a short post

[rcseadorned]

Though the day wasn’t particularly warm, the water still felt cool and soothing against her skin. For a brief moment, Xiao Hua let the sensation carry her away, watching the sunlight shimmer across the surface. In that instant, it was easy to forget, her guard momentarily slipping.

Her focus was pulled back as she felt the soft press of his fingers, his thumb and forefinger gently lifting her chin. Her heart skipped, and the hairs on her neck stood on end. A flash of red crossed her mind, sharp and vivid, as if it were the only thing she could think about since this boy had appeared. Not just because of the crimson robes he wore, though she had thought that might be the reason. No, this was different. There was something about him, his voice, his presence, that stirred a memory buried deep within her. But it slipped away like a dream upon waking, leaving her with only fragments of red. No matter how hard she tried, the memory remained just out of reach. Despite her instincts urging caution, she didn’t feel any true fear of this man. Whatever impression he gave her, it wasn’t the cause of her reaction.

Suddenly, she jerked her head away, the movement so abrupt that she nearly lost her balance on her bent legs. She caught herself just before falling, stealing a brief glance at San Lang, realizing how strange her reaction might have been, before rising to her feet. The awkwardness hung heavy and there was no easy way to recover her composure or make a graceful exit. With a quick bow of her head, she turned and walked swiftly toward the far end of the shrine, where she disappeared towards the back.

Xiao Hua didn’t reappear until much later in the day. She found a quiet spot on the shrine’s front walkway, sitting cross-legged with a small pile of water chestnuts to occupy her hands. The gentle task of deshelling them was a welcome distraction. She would have preferred to sit inside, listening to Xie Lian’s usual ramblings, but that boy was still in there, and something about his presence unsettled her. It felt... strange.

Instead, she remained outside, ears pricked to the low murmur of voices drifting through the open window.

San Lang kept his fingers dipped in the water as he waited, pushing around a couple of smooth rocks on the bottom of the creek until the guardian finally joined him. He tilted his head to the side, taking a proper look at her appearance. Her skin was pale and smooth, her long hair a little messy from the fall, the horn on her forehead a little crooked but growing well. Hmpf. Just like with Xie Lian he knew her pain had to be more on the inside as well, tucked away neatly for no one to see. For a split-second anger washed over him and he clenched his fists, but he regained control again effortlessly, putting the usual easy smile on his lips.

“So, how do you and His Highness get along?”, the youth asked casually as she knelt down next to him; it was more a question of curiosity than concern, but still he couldn’t help but ask. Xiao Hua had risen to be a proper Heavenly official and as most officials were not fond of the crown prince San Lang thought it better to make sure her opinion of him had not changed.

Waiting for her response he noticed the way she was holding the mud-covered table cloth, she looked most displeased, as if she was holding the rotting corpse of a critter, therefore San Lang took said cloth from her, dipping it into the water to use it to clean her wounds. He was gentle as he worked, trying not to hurt the damaged skin any further and once he was finished with the wound on her arm, he reached out a hand to gently take ahold of her chin, turning it his way before wiping the cloth over her pale cheek.

“You had mud there. We don’t want the keeper of Puqi shrine run around all dirty and messed up, do we?” San Lang grinned, and while people could easily mistake his tone for mockery, this was nothing more than a gentle tease.

[1m-sane-i-promise]

Short rant thingy idk (each paragraph is barely about the same thing i just need to get my thoughts down)

Every night I (might) go to bed early to try and get some more sleep and I’ll be in bed for a while but my mind just keeps wondering about like everything ever and every hour or so I’ll think “ok but actually go to sleep now” but I just don’t and I keep on daydreaming and eventually I’ll notice that suns started rising (unless it’s winter) and I’ll just think “oh my god you fucking dumbass” and I’ll stay in bed for a few more hours just hating myself for not staying true to my word earlier. Like seriously you could’ve been alright today. If you had fucking listened and shut the fuck up when it mattered.

And it’s exactly the same feeling as when im not in bed or ready for bed but conscious about the time regardless and just thinking “ok fr now get up and go to bed” and then I just don’t and I end up going to bed way later than I intended because it’s the same thing. You could’ve been better tomorrow but it’s you’re own fucking fault.

Im also thinking about the quote that’s like you shouldn’t trust your thoughts after 9pm or whatever and it used to apply to me but now because it’s permanent exhaustion time of the year it’s always after 9pm in my head. Like I’m wasting time and feeling tired and telling myself I can get back on my feet tomorrow but I’m not because I can’t even meet my own expectations anymore and this is a daily thing and every day I get mad at myself and feel like pointlessly sobbing over the same thing just because holy shit, I did it again.

Writing this bcs it happened again and im tired of not knowing how to capture the self loathing that comes to me when it does in words and also I did just waste another twenty minutes writing this and I do feel a whole lot worse now that I have! But hey atleast there’s a product to show for my time ig

I didn’t proofread this and I have acrylics on which means I probably made a shit ton of typos but icl im so tired

Is this long enough to go in the rant blog yet?

Idk I don’t think so

Im gonna consider it as a rant on there but not actually post it on there

Just pretend

Im going to sleep

[kithtaehyung]

hi, ryen! i just saw it was 3tan anniversary and tho i’m late i wanted to leave a little message too!

i’ve said it about a hundred times already, but three tangerines is so special to me. this world you’ve created and to which you dedicate so much of your time and heart has become nothing short of comfort to me. reading your words, regardless of how angsty they often can be, feels like a hug. from yoongi slowly coming down to vulnerability, to reader slowly opening up to change and affection – these are the characters whose struggles i’ve followed hand in hand, by your side!

i know i’ve been absent and i’ve missed this community a lot (saw there’s a discord happening too, and imma apply to it asap!!), but i’ve never left, cus three tan is always with me. it’s with me when i take some time to breath and remember that i deserve to be loved, when i speak myself despite being afraid of how i’ll be perceived, when i watch fireworks or simply when i remember a dialogue, a scene, and i smile. you’ve achieved something so beautiful and so especial and i hope you know that.

i’ve written reviews that aren’t nearly enough to express my love to your and your work. i’ve cried, i’ve laughed and i’ve kicked my feet. 3tan yoongi, very much like real life yoongi, is a safe space for me and many others, and he was written by your hand. by your care with your characters, by your preoccupation with always giving us the best, by your moments of pause and ponder and by your incredible talent. every lil hiatus, every interaction, every thirst days in the side blog, every ask game, every teaser you’ve posted, are all pieces of the beautiful now two-year-old mosaic of three tangerines, and it’s been an honor to be part of this journey, even if i’m a lil away.

you KNOW how much this series means to me, how much it has changed me. your talent, your skill, your creativity and your vision has lead us all to breath together with these characters, to feel their pain but also, and most importantly, to grow with them, and i lowkey hope this journey never ends – and i know that, even when the last chapter comes (LONG IN THE FUTURE!!), this will stay forever. three tan will have as many birthdays as its readers.

i also saw that you’ve been through some stuff lately, and i hope you’re feeling better. i hope this community can inspire some well deserved peace in you and you can have a tranquil day! 

oh and i know im slacking but i’ve read busted!! i’ve been very busy with a research project so writing a review became kinda impossible, but i’ve loved it (i wont comment much here cus this message already long af and i prefer to write decent reviews lol).

anyway, thank you. really. thank you so much for this.

LUAAAA it's been ages since you sent this but i told myself i would sit down and reply to you today bc it's been way too long sitting in the drafts. gonna put this under a cut bc there's a lot i wanna say and cry about :')))

i’ve said it about a hundred times already, but three tangerines is so special to me. this world you’ve created and to which you dedicate so much of your time and heart has become nothing short of comfort to me. reading your words, regardless of how angsty they often can be, feels like a hug. from yoongi slowly coming down to vulnerability, to reader slowly opening up to change and affection – these are the characters whose struggles i’ve followed hand in hand, by your side!

thank you. like. first of all, thank you for everything. you've been such a wonderful part of this journey, and i honestly still don't know what i did to deserve this level of love. i legitimately cried when i got this message all those days ago, because ngl it was sent during a rough time. you have no idea how much i needed this, and i truly cannot thank you enough for basically saving my writing motivation bc it felt like i was one foot out the door with everything that was going on at the time. this was something i didn't tell y'all, but it's true.

i know i’ve been absent and i’ve missed this community a lot (saw there’s a discord happening too, and imma apply to it asap!!), but i’ve never left, cus three tan is always with me. it’s with me when i take some time to breath and remember that i deserve to be loved, when i speak myself despite being afraid of how i’ll be perceived, when i watch fireworks or simply when i remember a dialogue, a scene, and i smile. you’ve achieved something so beautiful and so especial and i hope you know that.

this world is special to me, as well, and all of you are part of that. thinking of you all every single day alongside these characters has just become part of my life. and it's gonna continue to be this way for a very, very long time. we've been living lives with them - growing, changing, improving - and that is wonderful to witness.

everything you've mentioned about when you think of them? same. i just saw fireworks yesterday, and i thought of that balcony. and everything that has happened since that night fireworks was posted. as we approach the new year, you best believe i will be thinking about all of you once again.

i’ve written reviews that aren’t nearly enough to express my love to your and your work. i’ve cried, i’ve laughed and i’ve kicked my feet. 3tan yoongi, very much like real life yoongi, is a safe space for me and many others, and he was written by your hand. by your care with your characters, by your preoccupation with always giving us the best, by your moments of pause and ponder and by your incredible talent. every lil hiatus, every interaction, every thirst days in the side blog, every ask game, every teaser you’ve posted, are all pieces of the beautiful now two-year-old mosaic of three tangerines, and it’s been an honor to be part of this journey, even if i’m a lil away. you KNOW how much this series means to me, how much it has changed me. your talent, your skill, your creativity and your vision has lead us all to breath together with these characters, to feel their pain but also, and most importantly, to grow with them, and i lowkey hope this journey never ends – and i know that, even when the last chapter comes (LONG IN THE FUTURE!!), this will stay forever. three tan will have as many birthdays as its readers.

3tan yoongi means just as much to me as y'all, and reader, and everyone that's involved in this series. to know that he's like that in your life like irl yoongi? i want to cry. for real, it means so incredibly much to me that you've found comfort in both of them. i don't know what else to say other than it's the biggest damn honor i could ever think of.

even if i'm a little far away sometimes, just know that i am always coming back to 3tan. i work on it the most out of everything i've got going on, to the point where it's become part of me and my daily routine. the goal is to finish it out just as strong as it's been going thus far! and that includes all the fun times we have on this blog and discord and elsewhere!

i also saw that you’ve been through some stuff lately, and i hope you’re feeling better. i hope this community can inspire some well deserved peace in you and you can have a tranquil day! 

it's okay, love. there's been some tough times recently but we push on. my only ask of y'all is to be happy, healthy, and come say hi once in awhile<3 i do wanna keep talking to you all!

oh and i know im slacking but i’ve read busted!! i’ve been very busy with a research project so writing a review became kinda impossible, but i’ve loved it (i wont comment much here cus this message already long af and i prefer to write decent reviews lol).

you're totally ok! whenever you get the chance, you write to your heart's content and i will eat it up multiple times over just like your other wonderful fantastic amazing commentary pieces. i definitely wanna keep those forever.

anyway, thank you. really. thank you so much for this.

thank you, as well. it's been quite the journey, these two years. looking back on everything, it's unbelievable how much we've been through! but we will keep making fun memories and keep being there for each other, and everyone in the 3tan crew. thank you again, lua, and i hope you have a wonderful rest of the year and a prosperous 2024!

[wallflowerimagines]

Hi! I looove your posts! Thank you so much for sharing your writing!

I was wondering… could you maybe write about the Four Lords with a shy S/O that gets bold and defensive when someone insults the lords? or calls them names? And the Lord’s reaction to the S/O acting different? Dk if im explaining myself >.<

Again! Love your work! Have a great day!

We stan protective partners on this blog!!

Warnings: uh...insults? They're pretty over the top😅 Also swearing.

Alcina Dimitrescu

Honestly, Alcina is more than able to defend herself.

She's got a tongue like a viper, and the thickest skin imaginable. If you really want to hurt her feelings, you have to be someone whom she already respects to a certain degree, or she won't even be phased.

Still, when she leaves a room, there's always some idiot that thinks it's a smart idea to talk shit.

Maybe it's a maid, maybe it's a guest in the Castle, but either way you're not having it.

"God, you're annoying." There was a pause before they opened their mouth again, and you rolled your eyes. "No please, by all means, continue to share your lack of taste with the rest of us."

You disassemble this dumbass, starting small with comments about their personality (trying to keep it classy), but escalating the more they choose to double down on the comments.

Alcina comes back into the room to find you practically screaming at this asshole.

"Look, all you have accomplished here today is revealing that you are a fundamental disappointment on every possible level. My life is worse now that I've heard you open your mouth, you disrespectful, shit licking worm fucker."

Alcina is stunned. You do not give off "aggressive guard dog" vibes at all, yet here you are defending her tooth and nail. While she had seen brief moments of your inner strength and protective streak (mostly towards her daughters) she just...never thought you would do the same for her.

It's not because she doesn't trust you or love you! But nobody has ever done something like this for her before? Ever? She's never had anyone try to protect her--not physically, and not even verbally. She's been so independent for so long that it's... Strange to see you support her so openly.

She doesn't need you to do this for her, she doesn't even expect it, but you do it anyway for no other reason than the fact that you love her. You want people to give her the respect she deserves.

I'm going to be real here: Alcina has never been closer to swooning before in her life. You're overcoming your shyness because you believe in her so much-- it's not a gesture meant to be romantic, but Alcina can't help but see this as a massive statement of your commitment to her.

Seriously. This is such a massive thing for her that if proposals weren't already on her mind, she is mentally picking out a ring for you the minute this happens.

Then, of course, she glides into the room, kisses you until you're breathless and babbling, and smirks at the unfortunate peon who thought they could get away with insulting House Dimitrescu.

She's in such a good mood that she's considering going easy on the idiot. Maybe removing their tongue would be enough of a warning?

Donna Dimitrescu

You don't really know how it's possible but apparently some people don't like Donna Beneviento? Some people think she's scary and unpleasant????

Wild. Can't imagine what that's like.

The two of you are honestly the sweetest, most toothrottingly adorable couple-- blushing when you hold each other's hands, sneaking glances at each other across rooms, giving each other kisses and forgetting whatever was on your mind...

Honestly, anybody who's critical of your relationship with your girlfriend is just a hater. Fuckers can pound sand😤

Still, you are pretty shy, so it takes a lot for you to defend yourself if someone comments about you. It can take a lot of courage to stand up against rude remarks, and sometimes it's easier to walk away.

Defending Donna, on the other hand?

The minute someone even thinks about dismissing her, you are ready to throw hands.

"My lovely girlfriend already said no, meaning you're either deaf or too stupid to pick up on simple social cues," you purse your lips and give the rude and pushy Villager a patronizing once over. "You and your opinion are equally useless. Get the fuck away from us."

Donna blinks.

She... Was not expecting this??? At all?? You're so nice! You always tell her about your attempts to avoid confrontation! What's going on??? How did you get the guts to say what she's always wanted to say?

Meanwhile, Angie is LIVING.

The little doll chimes in to assist you with the verbal homicide, working as a tag team to absolutely murder this moron. She's half partner, half hype man, and is so excited to do this with you. Normally, she has to protect Donna all by herself, but she's relieved and reassured that you stepped in first.

'USELESS IS TOO NICE, THOUGH! THAT IMPLIES THEY AREN'T A POINTLESS, RANCID, LONELY FREAK. THEY LOOK LIKE THEY CRY WHEN THEY MASTURBATE.'

You high five Angie, still glaring daggers at the unfortunate villager.

The two of you continue to ream into the villager, while Donna hovers nearby.

As surprised as she is, she's also grateful. She's only really ever had Angie to help shield her from insults and disrespect (and occasionally inducing horrifying hallucinations that make people claw off their own skin), but having you in her corner makes her feel safe.

Not to get totally sappy, but you're like her knight in shining armor in a lot of ways. And the fact you two are so similar is really motivating-- She wants to one day be confident enough to return the favor. Until then, she's happy to watch her two favorite people have fun insulting some stranger ❤️

Salvatore Moreau

With you being so shy, Salvatore is surprised how often he takes the lead in your relationship.

He's not normally all that outgoing, but you seem to bring out a side of him that's very protective. Whenever you have a bad day he wants to bundle you up and keep you safe from the world.

If he so much as holds your hand you start stuttering and avert your gaze. It creates a feedback loop where you both get flustered, but Moreau has never felt steadier. Despite your shyness, you make sure he knows how much you love him.

You're sweet as pie and twice as kind--Salvatore is the luckiest man in the world, nobody can convince him otherwise 💕💕

So it comes as a total shock that when a passing fisherman spits in your path and calls him a freak, your entire demeanor does a 180.

Your posture straightens and you look the villager dead in the eye, "I don't believe anyone asked your opinion."

Salvatore: 😳

This is not the time, and he totally knows it, but, uh, something about your tone??? Really does it for him???

While he's attempting to process why exactly he's starting to short circuit, you proceed to verbally shred this person to bits with clinical efficiency-- nothing is off limits.

They might try to defend themselves, but it's useless. You do not let up.

"Ugly? Monster? Bitch your teeth are throwing gang signs, don't throw stones from your shining glass house."

You insult their appearance, what they're holding, their smell-- you get so fucking mean that you might even make them cry.

Moreau is just lost right now, trying hard to figure out how exactly you were able to gain all of this confidence so quickly.

He's not upset! In fact he's very flattered! But, he also doesn't want you to get into a fight with some unimportant stranger. (After all, if they so much as throw a punch, they're straight up dead. Moreau is a patient man, but he's not that patient. You do not hurt his partner and live to tell the tale.)

He may a healer but...

Eventually he steps between you and the fisherman in an attempt to deescalate the situation, but you just kiss him on the cheek and step around him, determined to make your point.

Blushing hard, Moreau lets you do what you want. What can he say? Fish man likes himself a protective partner 💞

Karl Heisenberg

Magnet Man is not the most social guy to begin with, so any opportunities you have to stick up for him are already pretty slim.

He mostly knows you as the shy, sweet, easily flustered partner that lets out a cute squeak every time he sneaks up to hug you from behind.

Karl's honestly happy just to spend time with you all alone in the Factory. It's not the best or healthiest mindset, but he'd be perfectly content to only ever see you for the rest of his life. Spending time with anybody else feels like a boring waste in comparison.

But occasionally, you do head out into town with him. Heisenberg wants you to be safe so he doesn't do it often, but running errands with you is a weakness of his. It's domestic in a way that he's never experienced before.

He likes it ❤️

What he does not like is the shopkeeper starting to give their opinions on the quality of your relationship with him.

Most insults Karl will let slide because he doesn't particularly care. However if anyone makes a comment on how scared (shy) you look around him, how you must be being threatened into being with him, how poorly Lord Heisenberg is treating you...he won't stand for it.

But before his fingers can even twitch towards his hammer, you snap.

"You're clearly the blindest cocksucker I've ever met--so wipe the cum out of eyes and mind your own fucking business."

Karl does a double take.

He's heard you curse before, but quietly. The words coming out of your mouth are WILD right now, he has NEVER seen you so angry. You're defending him with the aggression of a wild animal, and it's simultaneously HILARIOUS, but for some reason he's also getting a warm fuzzy feeling in his chest?

He doesn't need you to protect him like this, but seeing you blatantly argue how much you love and cherish him in public reassures him in a way he didn't know he needed.

Still, hearing you call the shopkeeper "shit for brains" is the funniest thing that's happened in years.

Heisenberg starts laughing, and the more you shout at the idiot, the harder he laughs. Is it weird how hard he wants to kiss you right now?

Eventually, he just has to drag you away, cackling as you continue to shout insults at the unfortunate shopkeep. There's got to be an alley around here for some good old fashioned privacy 💕

[oh-for-fic-sake]

What will daddy Henry do if his little is sad because someone took something valuable from her?

So i wanst sure what to base this on entirely, so I'm going to go with something I went through over the last few weeks. I had a little bit of anon hate, which I deleted but the words stuck with me making me second guess everything i was working on and the confidence i had in my writing was taken away. so this is like a shameful self indulgent fantasy that im going to read to myself when ever im down.

Warnings: Pretty Personal For Me, Angsty, Fluffy, Self Doubt, Happy Ending, DDLG, Long!!

Tagging: @viking-raider @isitmine @tinabean37 @loserrlauraa  @msblkfire84 @henrythickcavill @plainbrunettelbl @dummiesshort @cynic-spirit @pandaxnienke  @two-unbeatable-beaters @libbymouse @wolfieash @eldarwen333 @princesssterek @mom2000aggie @blackestpinkworld 

(not sure who to tag in headcannons? these are the ones on my everything taglist)

Henry watched quietly with a frown as you sat down in the living room, eyes cast down at the tablet in front of you shoulders slumped.

"poppet what's wrong love?"

"n-nothing da-addy" you said with a small stutter

Henry shifted on his feet looking at you critically before coming over to you.

"nothing? So your sitting here almost in tears over nothing" he stated sceptically rounding the sofa sitting next to you.

"I'm not cryin" you sniffled trying to bite your lower lip to stop it from wobbling.

"not yet, but close enough poppet, hand it over" he said holding out his hand waiting for the tablet.

You whined not wanting to hand it to him at first but after a mini battle of wills you placed the colourful tablet in his hand.

Your head was cast down and you rubbed your eyes trying to catch the tears before they were noticeable.

"okay then, so this is your new story?" he asked scrolling through the page not reading it all but scanning the words, it was well written like always.

At the beginning of the pandemic he suggested you started a blog, and you had. A writing blog all full of fanfictions of... Him.

He didn't mind he actually love you doing something constructive, it kept you happy and busy which helped him because there wasn't many free days even in lockdown. He was working out, reading scripts or rearranging covid tests and travel.

Plus knew these smut blogs existed, even lurked on a few.

"y-yeah" you mumbled leaning on him hugging his arm scanning the page as he scrolled, you knew he wasn't reading everything maybe every few lines

"sooo what's the problem?" he said not finding an issue with the writing.

"i... I cant post it" you muttered looking down avoiding his gaze

"why?" he asked frowning not liking the defeated tone you had.

"j-just because..."

"ah I see, you have lost your confidence" he said quickly figuring out the problem, the downside to writing was everything was personal preference so tiny comments could knock your confidence.

In a way it was like his work, you put your heart and soul into it and then people don't like it? It was always a bummer. But he was used to it, you were not.

You nodded to him it was true you'd lost your confidence, you hadn't wrote for a while.

You couldn't seem to find the words to fit together anymore.

You felt silly, they were just a few mean comments, words from a nasty troll who didn't have anything better to do but it hurt, you poured your heart into every chapter and then for people to rip it to shreds? It stung.

"y-yes I... They didn't like it" you hummed fiddling with your fingers, drawing deep breaths trying not to cry

"and so what?" he said shrugging making you snap your gaze to him.

"wha?"

"it doesn't matter love, so a few people didn't like it, lots of people do, I love your stories"

"you have to your my daddy"

Henry huffed and shook his head at you ruffling your hair pressing a kiss to your head amused that you thought that's the only reason he liked your writing.

"don't stop writing just because of a few mean people nugget, it takes a lot of skill to write and a lot of bravery to share it. Your a brave talented little baby and I'm very proud of you"

He said cooing as that seemed to be the final push sending you over the edge making you burst out into tears.

He hugged you moving the tablet out of the way before pulling you to his lap, unbuttoning his shirt half way and squished you into his bare chest knowing you needed to feel him, not a shirt.

"shh its okay babygirl, your stories are wonderful, and you have fun writing them don't you baby?"

You nodded crying harder trying to get the words out but you just couldn't instead whining incoherently into him.

"and you enjoy making the little banners? And collect all your photos and gifs?"

"y-yeah but they di-dn't like it last time!"

"they don't have to like everything you do sweety"

"but I don't wana upset them!"

"did you do the warnings?" he asked knowing all about the do's and don'ts of posting your erotica.

You nodded whining you always did warnings on stuff to be safe.

"and make the little cut thingy you were telling me about?" again you nodded at him

"so your telling me they read the warnings, clicked to see it and then were mean?" you sniffled biting your lip trying to calm down but nodded to him humming quietly.

"well then it sounds to me like they were going out of their way, looking for someone to pick on" he said slowly rocking you slightly.

You fell quiet resting your head on his chest as he rubbed your back and patted your bottom soothing you.

"but what if they wasn't? What if my stories are bad- and encourage bad stuff!" you cried tucking yourself into him tighter.

"no-no you repeat after me, fiction is fiction" he said pulling you back wiping your tears waiting for you to say it out loud.

"fic-tion is f-fiction" you repeated

"I did everything I could to warn people"

"I-I did everyth-ing I could to w-warn people" he smiled at you as you drew a huge breath calming yourself down.

"and they are jealous because I'm an adorable, smart, funny kind and caring babygirl who has the cutest little peach butt in the world~" he said smirking at you from above holding you tightly to him pressing a kiss to your head.

"and they- daddy! Noo! I can't say that~" you gasped flushing as you realised what he had said

"oh yes you can because its the truth now come here let daddy bite that peach~" he growled playfully snapping his jaws at you.

"ah-no!" you screeched giggleing as he began tickling you all over wrestling you playfully trying to lean over and bite your but through your shorts.

He landed two solid bite's on your bottom before pulling back. Even though he had cheered you up he could see you were still doubting yourself.

Henry cast a glance to the tablet and smirked forming a plan that might just get you back on track. He was not going to let anyone steal your sparkle.

"come on you you've spent enough time writing go play in the garden with Kal"

Once you left henry got to work swiping up the tablet and going on your one drive seeing the meticulously organized notebooks, recognising a few by name.

A few weeks later Henry came in to the living room with a medium size box and plopped it on the sofa next to you.

"here we go nugget!" he said placing the gift next to you, they couldn't have come quickly enough, he had noticed you hadn't been writing at all, which upset him because he knew how much you loved it.

"what's that daddy?" you asked peering over the box not expecting any gifts.

"why don't you open it and find out?" he said sitting the other side of the box handing you a pair of scissors to slice the tape.

You moved slowly cutting it open and pulled the box open then froze.

"d-daddy? What thats my..." you trailed off pulling out the hard back books your banner on the front cover.

"your stories? Yes poppet, I realised that you were putting so much work into these things but could loose them, they are soo good that daddy wanted to read them over and over and now we can!" he said pleased with himself as you sat there shocked looking at the small collection of a5 books.

"but their- i dont..." you said happy but completely shocked, flicking through the pages, there were even a few comments in the margins from henry pointing out the pits he liked making your heart swell with pride.

Henry moved to stand behind you pressing a kiss to your hair.

"They are brilliant! So good I'm so proud of every thing you have achieved and I want them on our book shelf, in the living room" he said making you tear up.

"Really? You... You think their that good?" you whined eyes blurring with tears as you hugged the first book to your chest.

"absolutely poppet now go on, you do the honours~" he said pressing your shoulder urging you to go to the cube bookshelf.

You tiptoed over to it and slowly pulled out each little custom book with your banner on the front.

You sat down placing each one delicately on the shelf the five books each lining up with one another half filling the empty cube shelf.

"oh no baby look? The shelf isn't full is it? You know what that means" he said standing looking

"I-I've gotta write?" you asked sniffling weeping softly but this time because you were happy.

"exactly! You need to fill the whole shelf, so you keep up the good work and tell daddy when you finish your next story and we can keep adding to it!" he said cheerfully walking over handing you the tablet.

You smiled to yourself and looked to the books, your books- actual real life books on a shelf!

You grinned throwing yourself at him latching onto him feeling your confidence come back just from seeing how much you had done.

Suddenly the hate didn't matter, your daddy like them enough to make them into real life books! And even annotated them himself?

And if your writing was good enough for your daddy then it was good enough for you.

"daddy, can I have my screen time now, I want to write!!" you said jumping up and down on the spot excited to start your next chapter.

Henry grinned nodding deciding you can have as much screen time today as you wanted as long as it meant you wasn't giving up your new hobby.

[2handsslan]

I found myself while loving you

Summary: Draco Malfoy, Slytherin King, one of the meanest boys at Hogwarts finds he might not be who thinks he is after all 

Pairing: Draco X Hufflepuff reader

Word Count: 2153

A/N: Helllooo loves!! So this is my first time EVER writing a fic so please go easy on me. Im so nervous to post this, but I want to start writing and I have to start somewhere! and see if I’m even good at it!! Honestly I don’t know if any of my followers read HP fandom fics but if you do please check this out, tell me what you think! AHHH anyways I hope you like it

Growing up we typically believe our parents can do no wrong. We hold them above everything and everyone. We learn to turn a blind eye to the wrong they sometimes do, even go as far as justifying it. 

This is exactly what Draco did when it came to his father. Mr. Malfoy could do no wrong in the eyes of his little boy, even though all he did was wrong. 

The only thing Draco wanted to do in life was to make his father proud, to be the spitting image of the man. He spoke like him, walked like him, held his head as high as he did. This didn't go unnoticed by his father, but this was not a “proud dad moment” type of situation. Lucious Malfoy took this as an opportunity to shape Draco into everything he wanted him to be, for his own personal gain.  

Draco being in one of the most infamous death eater families meant a dark light was shed on him. Welcoming this with open arms Draco became the meanest student at Hogwarts, from the very moment he stepped onto the train the first day of first year. 

Going into his fifth year, nothing has changed. 

-

Draco sat with his gang of Slytherins in the Great Hall, back pressed to the table, his long legs crossed at the ankles stretched out in front of him, waiting for the newest first years to enter and get sorted into their houses. He threw his head back in laughter at a joke Blaise made. As his head was falling back into place, the smile on his face disappeared and his eyes widening. ‘That couldn't possibly be Y/N Y/L/N… absolutely couldn't be.’ He thought to himself as you walked into the room. You had not looked as you did last year. You had not been ugly by any means, just you, nothing special. You matured quite a lot over the short summer break, turning into a very beautiful young woman. 

And he had definitely noticed. 

He couldn't take his eyes off of you. In his shock, he leaned over and roughly shook Blaise by his shoulder, “Is that Y/N?” 

“What? Merlin it is, she sure did change this summer.” Blaise said adding a whistle. 

You were the true definition of a Hufflepuff, hard-working, patient, loyal, and one of the sweetest girls you would ever meet. Your Y/E/C eyes constantly shine with happiness, sending sweet smiles to everyone who walked by, no matter the scowls or disgusted looks they gave. 

You made your way past the Slytherin table, eyes falling on Draco and sending him a small grin, tucking your hair behind your ear in nervousness. He had never looked at you like that before. Only taking notice of you when he was giving you an odd scowl as you walked past him and his friends in the hallway during previous years with a smile permanently etched on your face. You on the other hand had always taken notice of the Slytherin King. It was quite an odd thing, the sweetest Hufflepuff finding herself swooning over the meanest boy in their year. But you couldn't help it, you were simply intrigued by him. Wondering what made him the way he was. Wondering what had to have happened to make him so cold to others.  And also wondering what kind of things made him smile, and how you wished you could do those things, wished you could make him smile. You sort of felt like a creep, due to the fact that you had never even really spoken to each other outside of being partnered with each other for a Transfiguration project last year. But you couldn't help the butterflies you felt whenever you saw him.

Something inside Draco changed that very moment. For the past two years he had noticed you, not a lot, but just enough to wonder about you from time to time. It was like he was seeing you for the very first time and he needed to know you, to know everything about you. 

Throughout the entire sorting ceremony he couldn't keep his eyes off of you, where he was seated he had a perfect view of your side profile. He took notice in the way your eyelashes curled up, the soft freckles that dusted over our nose and cheeks, the way your head was slightly tilted as you watched the students with interest as they were sorted. 

Simply breathtaking he thought. 

As the first few weeks passed, things did not change. Draco spent every chance he got looking at you, trying to come up with an excuse to speak with you. Once again you had Transfigurations together. “Today you will be working in pairs to vanish a group of mice.” instructed Professor Mcgonnagal, “You may choose who you partner up with, begin.” 

Before he even realized what he was doing Draco had jumped up from his chair and was standing over your desk saying “Would you like to be my partner?” 

He was sure he shared the same shocked expression on your face. Cheeks turning a light pink you agreed. 

Neither of you spoke much during the class, stealing quick glances at one another more than words. After successfully vanishing all of your mice in record time, you turned to him, “Well I can see you have very much improved since last year” a small teasing smirk playing on your lips. 

“I'd like to think so,” he said shyly. This had to have been a mistake you thought, Draco Malfoy shy? Around you? No way, not possible. 

As the thoughts were running through your head you heard him speak again, “Would you like to go to Hogsmeade with me this weekend? It's the first trip of the year.” 

It seemed you forgot how to speak, your mouth opened and then closed, your mind suddenly completely blank. 

“Nevermind, that was stupid, why would someone like you want to..” 

“I'd love to go with you” you practically yelled as you realized he was spiraling, probably thinking you would want to do anything but spend time with him. 

And then there it was, the smile that you rarely got to see, and you felt like your heart could burst. The bell rang and he stood up, “I'll meet you in front of the Great Hall after breakfast Saturday then,” he said, a smile still in full view. All you could do was nood, an expression of utter disbelief on your face. 

The rest of the week flew by and next thing you knew you were walking out of the doors of Hogwarts with Draco by your side. The two of you spent the day walking around the shops, and stopping for a Butterbeer at the Three Broomsticks. You were surprised by how easy it was to talk to him. As much as you didn’t want to, you had always thought he had to be just as everyone said he was, mean. But you were completely wrong. As you got to know him more and more during your short time, you had a feeling there was a lot more to the boy. 

-

As the months past your time spent with Draco increased. Meeting in the corridors before and after classes, sneaking you to the Slytherin table during meals, and sneaking you into his dorm for late night cuddles every so often.

This was completely out of character for you by others standards but with him you had never felt more yourself. 

And Draco was feeling the exact same way. Slowly but surely his bad guy persona was fading, and people were starting to take notice. Word was getting around that he was becoming a different person. But he did not care anymore. 

“He has to be faking it, he has always been the nastiest boy to walk these halls.” 

“If his family could see him now they would not even recognize him..”

There was no way for him to not hear these things being said about him as he walked from class to class with you on his arm. And one day it finally hit him. They were right, he was not the same boy he had been the previous years, and he had you to thank for that. He realized now that this was him, this is how he was meant to be. 

He had spent his whole life before this trying to live up to his fathers attitude and beliefs that he had become something he wasn't. But he was done, he was done trying to please him, constantly miserable from never seeming to be able to. He was himself now.

-

Word about the way Draco changed so drastically had finally gotten to his father. And it could not have happened at a worse time. This Hogsmead trip he had asked his mother and father to meet him, wanting to introduce you to them. Surprisingly he was not at all nervous, just excited to finally have you meet his family, thinking they would love you just like everyone else did. 

The two of you sat in Madam Puddifoot’s Tea Shop waiting for them to arrive. The door opened and Draco shot straight up, straightening his shirt and hair as his parents walked in. “Father, Mother, it's good to see you. You both look well.” he said. “As do you,” his father said simply. His mother sent him a small smile, from her position behind her husband. Sitting down Mr. Malfoy wasted no time speaking of the rumors he had been hearing about his son. “It has come to my attention that you have changed Draco, and not in a way I would categorize as acceptable.” “You've lost your mind if you think I am going to let you lose yourself,” he sent you a nasty side eyed look, “because of a silly girl.”

You felt Draco tense beside you and instinctively interlaced your fingers with his to try to calm him down. This did not faze you , you know the reputation his father had and did not fool yourself with the thought of him being overjoyed at his son's new attitude. 

Draco spoke as calmly as he could “The way I have been acting is certainly because of Y/N, in the sense that she has made me realize I do not want to be like my miserable father anymore.” He no longer cared if this was supposed to be a happy meeting, introducing his girl to his parents, no this was it, this was where he was going to break free of the hold his father had on him. This was where he was getting the stain of his family's name off of him. 

This seemed to shake his father to the core, realization hit him that he did not have control over his boy anymore, and he was now his own person. His mothers head was tilted down but Y/N could see the small smile on her face. She knew what Dracocould be, and she was proud he was becoming his own person. 

Without saying another word his father got up and stormed out of the shop, his mother throwing him a proud smile as she ran after his father. 

“Draco I’m so sorry, I never meant for this to happen,” You said sadly. 

Without saying anything he stood you up and pulled you into a kiss, breaking away to say “Let's get out of here,” with a smile on his face. 

You sat by the fire in the Slytherin common room late that night wrapped up in Draco’s arms. He was still reeling from the day's events, he had never felt more happy with himself. “I can't remember the last time I felt this good...” he spoke so softly you almost didn't hear him. You turned to look at him, waiting for him to continue. “I've spent as long as I can remember tied up in the idea that I needed to be just like my father to make him love me, but I don't want to do that anymore. I want to be who I am with you all the time, with everyone. It's much easier than being miserable all the time.” 

 You took his face in hands, your thumbs stroking his jawline, “I always knew there was more under that hard exterior, I'm happy I was able to help you let it out.” 

He dropped his forehead against yours, breathing deep, his lips landed on yours in the sweetest but most passionate kiss you had shared. It took your breath away and you were slightly panting as you broke apart. 

“The only love I ever wanted was from my father. But now, the only love I want is yours. An… and i love you more than i can tell you.” 

“And I love you just as much.”

[kaylorrehabcenter]

Rating Every Song on Fearless Based on How Gay it is

Hello friends! I still have a few song analyses in the pipeline (and one on Lover the album) but today in honor of Fearless (Taylor’s Edition) being announced and Love Story being released in a few hours I thought I’d do something fun to celebrate!

And you know what? Fuck my usual disclaimer, I am the word of god here. Try and change my mind about any of these. I dare you. (I kid I kid this isn’t that serious and you’re free to disagree <3)

1. Fearless 15/10

Everything about this song is so fucking gay oh my god. This isn’t a fruit, this is a whole ass edible arrangement. As a small rural town Gay (my hometown has a population of less that 4,000 and where I’m living now has a population of 2,500) this uh. Hits.

“And I don't know how it gets better than this/You take my hand and drag me head first, fearless”

Y’ALL

The idea of falling in love with someone who makes you less afraid of your homophobic small town…….it’s getting to me.

“My hands shake, I'm not usually this way but/You pull me in and I'm a little more brave/It's the first kiss, it's flawless, really something/It's fearless”

This is making me emotional, I'll be honest. I see so much of my friends and my experience in high school in this song. 

This quote I found on genius is from when the album was released on BMR’s website.

“When I wrote ‘Fearless,’ I wasn’t dating anyone. I wasn’t even in the beginning stages of dating anybody. I really was all by myself out on tour and I got this idea for a song about the best first date. I think sometimes when you’re writing love songs, you don’t write them about what you’re going through at the moment, you write about what you wish you had. So, this song is about the best first date I haven’t had yet.”

This just screams baby Tay writing gay folklore to me, about the gay stories she wish she had. Notice how there are no pronouns in this song??? Fruity I’m telling you.

All that to say. I’m crying because the linear note says “I loved you before I met you” and I want to go listen to Long Story Short and cry now.

2. Fifteen 1/10

Objectively pretty straight as she’s singing about her and Abigail’s dating boys in HS. And Taylor got with a senior guy. Good for her I suppose.

Unless he was one of the shitty ones in which case.

“This is life before you know who you're gonna be”

This however, is a cute line and the whole song makes me warm and nostalgic. You can also hear her crying after the line “and Abigail gave everything she had to a boy who changed his mind” which makes me emo and I’m sure will take on new depth after Abigail’s divorce and hurt me even more.

Other highlights that make me sob include.

“When all you wanted was to be wanted/Wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now/Back then I swore I was gonna marry him someday/But I realized some bigger dreams of mine”

Bigger dreams of hers indeed :’)

(Also how can you say she’s a gold star lesbian when this song exists. She was obviously dating boys in high school and even if you think she’s a lesbian. Comp het is a hell of a drug kids.)

3. Love Story 8/10

Tried to change the ending indeed.

This is THE Taylor Swift song, and maybe it’s the nostalgia talking but damn I still love it. Written because she wanted to change the ending of Romeo and Juliet (how anyone likes RandJ enough to want to rewrite I have no clue.) and/or because her parents didn’t approve of a guy she was seeing. (according to genius, it would’ve been too early for Joe J so it could possibly be Boys Like Girls frontman, his image did clash with hers and they did release some cute songs together. However if you want my take it’s probably folklore about Emily, take for what you will)

This song has very oft gay vibes with the ‘They don’t approve of our love angle!’ but uses male pronouns so points redacted for that. HOWEVER this is a very early use of ~the male perspective~ in Taylor’s songs and for that it deserves all the love.

“ So I sneak out to the garden to see you/We keep quiet, 'cause we're dead if they knew/So close your eyes/Escape this town for a little while”

More rural town angst!!!

Nothing gets me more than rural town angst.

“Romeo, save me, they're trying to tell me how to feel/This love is difficult, but it's real”

Originally the lyric was “this love is different”. Granted I do not remember the source, i’s just lore implanted into my brain, but make of that what you will.

“"Marry me, Juliet, you'll never have to be alone/I love you, and that's all I really know/I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress/It's a love story, baby, just say "Yes"”

Marry me Juliet from the male perspective :)

Also worth noting. This is Karlie’s (and Kim K’s lmao) favorite Taylor song which. While basic as hell. Makes this cover sad as hell to this former Kaylor. (thanks @swiftgron-get-married for the tears <3)

Also not to make this about a man AGAIN but the secret message is “Some day I’ll find this” AND SHE DID IM CRYING.

4. Hey Stephen 1/10

The one thing Camilla Cabello and I have in common is loving this song, so I have to live with that for the rest of my life.

This song is very painfully straight.

How can you think this woman is a gold star lesbian.

The only noteworthy thing is that this is one of the few songs she confirms who it’s about. The secret message is “Love and Theft” which is the name of a country music duo who went on to open her Fearless tour. Which, does make me side eye this song a little bit.

Still a cute song.

“Hey Stephen, boy, you might have me believing/I don't always have to be alone”

5. White Horse 1/10

Oh look. It’s track five. 

You know maybe this is just me being a bitch but in my ranking of track fives this is. Pretty low. Maybe on the bottom.

Like I don’t have a lot to say about it. 

She’s going through it over a guy. He was a cheating dickweazel. 

“'Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale/I'm gonna find someone someday/Who might actually treat me well”

“Try and catch me now, oh/It's too late/To catch me now”

These lines hit though!!

And she found Joe!! Who treats her well!!!! And she isn’t the princess, she’s the prince who dropped her sword and knocked on her door!!! But this time if they come for them she’s ready!!!

Yes I will make every song about Long Story Short <3

6. You Belong With Me 5/10

Ah yes. The other THE Taylor Swift song.

You know. If I went to a high school with a cheerleading squad. And I had a crush on a cheerleader. I would blast this song. So for that it gets a 5/10. Otherwise. Fairly straight and fairly iconic.

7. Breathe 8/10

Well. We know this one is about a woman. (Emily Poe for those not in the know. Ha. A rhyme!) That alone has an 8/10. And it’s the first time she has a featured artist so bonus points for that!

It was nominated for a Grammy and it fucking lost to Jason Mraz. When’s the last time you thought about Jason Mraz.

I will not have Kaylor feels on a fucking Fearless song but damn is it VERY easy.

“Never a clean break, no one here to save me/You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand”

“It's 2 A.M, feeling like I just lost a friend/Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me”

Also this bridge? Goes off. HIGHLY underrated. 

8. Tell Me Why 3/10

You know. Maybe this album isn’t as gay as I once thought.

This song does bop though, not as good as her other angry songs on this album. But I can vibe with this you know. Why are you being an asshole mysterious man.

“You could write a book on how to ruin someone's perfect day”

This has to be one of baby Tay’s best burns. Damn. 

“Why do you have to make me feel small/So you can feel whole inside?/Why do you have to put down my dreams/So you're the only thing on my mind?”

Men ain’t shit kids. However, bonus points for the shade. 

9. You’re not Sorry 1/10

Ok, ok. Maybe this was a foolish endeavor.

Because yet again we have a very straight song. A good song. That was on Taylor’s episode of CSI. But oh dear. Very straight. Gets a measly one point. We started this post off so very very gay but damn. We seem to be nearing the end on a very straight note.

10. The Way I Loved You 20/10

Hey Remember what I said about this album being very straight.

WELL THAT WAS A LIE.

Is this a comphet album or am I projecting.

This is one of my favorite baby gay Taylor songs. Her masterful use of pronouns (he is sensible! And so incredible! And all my single friends are jealous! But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain, when it was two am and I was cursing your name!) makes the other person she’s singing about completely vague, while we know she isn’t happy with whichever guy she’s dating.

Mayhaps an early reaction to PRomances?

Either way this song is so good, truly an underrated gay gem I mean. Look at it.

“Breaking down and coming undone/It's a roller coaster kind of rush/And I never knew I could feel that much/And that's the way I loved you”

AND THE BRIDGE. Do all of her gay songs just have kickass bridges?

“He can't see the smile I'm faking/And my heart's not breaking/'Cause I'm not feeling anything at all/And you were wild and crazy/Just so frustrating/Intoxicating, complicated/Got away by some mistake and now…”

Damn. I’m imaging this with 2020 vocals and fucking ascending.

Also please watch the live performance of it from the Fearless tour. It’s such a damn shame this got cut from the movie and some woman in the front row is wearing a cowboy hat. Everyone is holding up those cameras everyone had to have before smartphones. Taylor is being endearing. It’s a good time.

11. Forever and Always 6/10

Bonus points for the ~drama~ of it all. Added last minute to the album? The iconic throwing of the chair in live performances?? All of it very dramatique and for that we stan.

Still pretty straight.

Also Joe Jonas responded to the song and why do I find his response so damn funny. “It’s part of being a musician, I guess. You write songs about each other.”

This is another song where the idea of Taylor’s grown up vocals on this is………..whew

12. The Best Day 0/10

This gets zero points because it’s about her literal mom.

Still makes me cry.

God bless Andrea Swift indeed

13. Change 13/10

We start the official tracklist with a gay song. We end it with a gay song.

We will ignore that it was originally written for Scott and BMR and instead induct it into the hall of gay pride anthems, as it should be. 

“We're getting stronger now, finding things they never found/They might be bigger but we're faster and never scared/You can walk away, say we don't need this/But there's something in your eyes says we can beat this”

“This revolution, the time will come/For us to finally win/And we'll sing hallelujah, we'll sing hallelujah”

The music video is cringe though lol

14. Jump then Fall 10/10

This song is gay because I choose it to be. <3

Like. Picture baby Taylor writing this song and playing it on her guitar to a girl she has a crush on telling her that she’ll protect her and they’ll be safe and in love and happy together. Gah, maybe I’m ~projecting~ but this sweet ass song always gets me and is EASILY in my top five Taylor songs. Super underrated and hecking cute. 

“We're on the phone and without a warning/I realize your laugh is the best sound/I have ever heard”

Like. Look at this shit.

“I watch you talk, you didn't notice/I hear the words but all I can think is/We should be together”

Tell me this is about the first time you get a crush on a girl and she’s your best friend and she’s amazing and beautiful and you realize you kinda want to kiss her and you hope she wants to kiss you too.

“I had time to think it oh, over/And all I can say is come closer/Take a deep breath and jump then fall into me”

And she’s the Romeo who's going to protect her!!!!! She’s the knight in shining armor in this song and I love that for her??

“The bottom's gonna drop out from under our feet/I'll catch you, I'll catch you/When people say things that bring you to your knees/I'll catch you/The time is gonna come when you're so mad you could cry/But I'll hold you through the night until you smile”

I won’t divulge into full on analysis here because. This is what this post is about but PLEASE listen to this song more. It’s such a gay little gem.

15. Untouchable 9/10

How does she make a cover sound gay.

It sounds so gay.

“You got to come on, come on, say that we'll be together/Come on, come on, little taste of heaven”

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

16. Forever and Always Piano Version 1/10

This song gets 1/10 because I don’t like it. There. I said it.

17. Come in With the Rain 3/10

I can see why this is a bonus track. It doesn’t hit me as much as the other songs on the album.

But damn if I don’t want to scream sing this one driving down a high way.

18. Superstar 7/10

You can’t tell me this song is about a man. I simply won’t entertain the idea.

You cannot prove to me that this song is about a man. There is not a male pronoun in sight. 

>:)

19. The Other Side of the Door 6/10

Is this song about having a fight about being in the closet? Probably not. Will my gay little brain make it about that? Yep!

And that, funky little queer pals, is my gay rating of every Fearless song. Like and subscribe, #t3atmidnight

[floating-in-limbo]

You're my sun, my moon, and all my stars.

Tw: self h*rm, depression, angst.

GN!Reader x Hawks angst

A vent fic I wrote because I needed to do something to cope healthily. I might write a short second ending, but idk. I didn't beta read this, but I'll polish it tomorrow and post it to my AO3 as well. Much love.

BNHA writing blog @hawksmodelofficial

The room was dark except for the faint light shining from your phone's screen. It was some what quiet due to the sound of your fan whirring, keeping your room cool. All this was part of your typical nightly routine and wouldn't be concerning except for the fact that you felt suffocated. Again.

You're sitting on your bed, the air blasting you giving you one of the only physical sensations you can feel in this state. Staring ahead into the black room, you sit and listen to all the horrid thoughts running through your head.

You feel numb and would give anything to feel something other than this suffocating emptiness. You tried your usual coping mechanisms: watching videos that usually make you laugh, listening to your comfort bands, distracting yourself with any sort of pastime.

None of it is working though. None of it has been working for a while now. This numbness, emptiness, hollow feeling consuming your body grows every day. Some days you can manage to push past it, jump over the hurdles and clear the finish line. Not today.

The last option you can think of before doing something harmful is to reach out to someone. You've been isolating yourself, but you desperately want their help at the same time.

Looking at the phone resting in your hands, you pull up Keigo's contact. It had been a couple days since the last time you two talked. He's the #2 pro hero, so he's constantly busy, but always tries to make time for you.

Y/n: are you awake

You sent the message and watched it deliver. You only ask because it's currently 3:26am and most people are asleep at this time. He responds a minute later.

Dodo Brain: what's up?

You're staring at his message. On one hand you're relieved Keigo's awake but on the other, you can already feel the guilt eating away at you for bothering him.

Y/n: i need help

Y/n: i hurt

You typed out the messages with shaky hands. Your chest tightens and you feel sick. You hate asking for help. Why should you make other people suffer because you can't help yourself?

Dodo Brain: are you ok, kid? what's wrong are you hurt???

Looking at the clock, it really hits just how tired he must be and how much you're intruding on his personal time. You decide to call off your cry for help before you make it any worse for him.

Y/n: ah yeah nvm dont worry about it sorry to wake you

You toss your phone onto your pillow. Once again, you're sabotaging yourself but you don't care anymore. Getting up from your bed, you head to the bathroom to get bandages, and tissues. While doing this, you fail to notice your text notifications going off.

Dodo Brain: kid what are you talkin about

Dodo Brain: why arent you answering

Dodo Brain: please answer me you're making me worried

Dodo Brain: im heading over now

Once you have your supplies to clean up, you head back into your room and sit back on your bed. You grabbed your hidden blade on the way and now just contemplate your actions.

Craving to feel something, anything, even if its pain and regret, you'll take it. You chose where you want to cut and begin, pulling a long line across your skin. You hiss at the immediate sting. Blood already begins to bead.

You continue to do this, almost in a daze yet you feel tears suddenly well from your eyes and fall. It hurts. Not just what you're doing, but what lead you to this point.

Unbeknownst to you, Keigo immediately flew to your residence. He grabbed the spare key you gave him and unlock the front door. Its eerily quite except for the faint sobs he can hear as he navigates the dark residence.

After you were satisfied with your work, you just sit there letting the blood drip down your skin. You'll have to do laundry but that's the least of your worries. You lean your head back against the wall and cry. Soft whispers of "I'm sorry..." leave your lips.

Keigo finds your room, using your quite cries and soft words to navigate. He flips on the lights and gasps at the scene in front of him. You jolt your head forward, eyes wide and you scramble to hide yourself. Unfortunately that only makes you wince in pain and open the wounds further.

"We need to get you cleaned up. Dont move okay? You already have bandages so let me do the work." Keigo's words dont really reach you but you sit there anyway.

He moves towards you with conviction but the energy around him is scared, nervous even. Sure he's seen your old scars before but never this. He grabs the bandages and antiseptic, applying them to all the wounds.

Every now and then you wince, and he immediately spills apologies. Your head is hanging low, you can't bear to make eye contact with him. Once Keigo finishes cleaning you up, there is an awkward silence.

"I'm sorry..." is all you can croak out before your sobbing into your hands. Embarrassment floods your head. Regret. Resent. Why did he have to come? Why did he have to see this?

"Fuck, kid. Please don't apologize. You didn't answer my texts and I figured something was wrong. I just wish I got here sooner." You can hear the pain in his usually cheery voice.

"I didn't know what to do anymore! I'm sick of feeling like this! Im sick of hurting so much that I have to hurt myself to distract from everything else. It's not fucking fair..."

Keigo stands in front of you assessing the situation. He reaches out to touch you but you shrink away from him. "Please leave, Kei...please...I'm tired."

"So am I, y/n but if you think I'm leaving you alone like this, I'm pretty sure you're the dodo brain out of the two of us." You smile ever so slightly. Its broken and he can tell.

"Let's get some clean sheets on the bed first, ok? Then we're going to sleep and I'm not leaving you alone. Not when you're hurting like this. Can you move?" You shake your head no. Not only do you hurt, exhaustion set in.

"I'm gonna pick you up alright, kid?" You nod and that's all he needs. Gently, he wraps his arms around your frame and pulling you into his chest. Red feathers move throughout your room, pulling the bloodied sheets off and tossing them into your hamper.

"I'm gonna set you down so I can grab the spares. Promise me, you'll be okay until I get back."

"Kei, you're just going down the hall."

"Y/n." His voice is stern but still soft at the same time. "Look at me." You gaze up at him and see the broken expression on his face. You never noticed the pain he probably feels right now.

"Pinky promise you'll be okay for a couple minutes." He holds out his hand, sticking his pinky out for you to reciprocate. You slowly do the same and cross fingers. "I'll be right back."

He leaves your room and you can hear him grabbing stuff from the closet with spare bedding. You sit with your head hanging down, eyes closed, thinking of everything. Keigo comes back with am armful of bedding and you shakily stand so he can change the sheets completely.

"Let's go to bed, okay?. I'm taking tomorrow off and I'm staying with you until we figure this out.

"You dont need to do that. I'll be fine, really. I dont want to burden you..." You can feel the tears well up again and you begin to shake. "Y/n, please. I can't bear to see you like this. You're the sun I see in the sky when I fly and the moon when I rest at night."

You look at him with disbelief. "Let's go to bed and talk more in the morning okay?" You nod and he moves you to bed, pulling you close but still aware of where you're hurt. His wings come around on top of you, almost like he's shielding you.

Your eyes slowly dip close as he rubs circles on your hand with his thumb.

[tellatennie]

Bakugou x Soulmate!Reader

Hi! This is my first Tumblr post! Not my first time writing but it wont be as awesome as everyone else on Tumblr but I hope you like it! Im still figuring some mechanics of Tumblr out first so let me know if I mess any technical stuff up :)

~~~~~~~~

SOULMATE AU: Reflecting in the mirrors is the appearance of your soulmate 

(Y/N): age thirteen

”mommmm can you come here for a minute?” I call out of the open bathroom door. I’m freaking out. I looked in the mirror one second and it was fine then the next moment it’s reflecting a boy with spiky ash colored hair and not me. 

“Yes sweetheart?” My mom said walking next to me. “Who's....that” I say; pointing at the mirror. She smiles at me.

”Is it not you?” I shake my head. “Then that’s your soulmate” I look up at her. “My... soul..mate?”  She crouches down to meet my very short height. 

“You see, everyone has someone that’s perfect for them. Someone that you can be best friends with and hopefully marry” She stands up and looks in the mirror. “Everyone that has a soulmate sees that person in the mirror instead of themselves. I see your father, and your father sees me.” I make an o shaped mouth and nod. 

“So my soulmate sees me in their mirror?” I ask. She nods. I glance back to the mirror and leave the bathroom. 

Meanwhile, about a 30 minute drive away (No POV) 

”What the HELL” A young boy yells. 

“Language!” His mom screams. “WHY THE HELL IS THERE A PERSON IN MY MIRROR” He heard his mom stomp up the stairs. “What are you blabbering about?” She glared at him from the doorway. 

“There’s a fucking person in the mirror” He deadpans to his mother. She squeals and runs over and hugs him. “Wha- GET OFF ME YOU OLD HAG” She smiles at him and smacks him upside the head. “That’s your soulmate!”

”..my whAT?” She explains to him the details of having a soulmate without yelling more than 3 times. (Sorry, I'm lazy) The boy somewhat glares at the mirror as his mom leaves.

”Stupid fuckin system makin that extra my “soulmate”” he mumbles to himself while walking away.

BRRRINNGGG BRRRINNGG (Your POV)

I groan and hit my alarm clock. Today was the first day of school at U.A and I did not want to get out of bed. I slumped the top of my body and slowly slid off my bed onto the floor (we have all done that) I get dressed into my uniform and walk into my bathroom. I stare at the ‘reflection’ of the once young boy that turned into a handsome young man that you call your soulmate. I figured he was about the same age as me but I could always be wrong. My mom has to do my hair every morning due to me not being able to see myself anymore other than pictures. 

After she did my hair I bid her farewell and walk out the door, excited for what the first day of school will bring.

I stare at the somewhat H shaped building. My jacket hood pulled over my head, I walk into the school and search for my classroom. I made a few friends during the entrance exam, like Kirishima, Mina, and Ochaco. So at least I knew I would have friends.

I walk into my designated classroom and immediately get tackled by Mina. 

“(Y/N)!” I let out a laugh and pat her back to get off me.

”Hey Mina, can’t breathe” She got off of me and backed up whilst I stood up. I eye around the room and spot the people I saw at the exams. My gaze falls on a blonde guy sitting with Kirishima and a yellow haired boy. I remove my gaze and look for my seat but Im FrEaKiN oUt DuDeS. 

Oh right next to him that’s great 

Why am I freaking out? You probably guessed (*cough* since this is a cheesy oneshot*) . It’s the same exact boy I have seen in my mirror for the past 2 and a half years. I sit down at my seat and try not to look too much in that direction. Hoping the crimson eyes I constantly had stared into, didn’t land on me. 

“Oh! Hey (Y/N)! Nice to see you got in this class too!” 

God damn it Kirishima

I turn my head to him and smile “Hey Eijiro! Nice to see you too” He stands from his sitting position off the desk. 

“This is Denki Kaminari” He pointed at the yellow haired boy “And this is Katsuki Bakugou” He leaned in slightly and whispered “Be careful around him, he’s a hot head” The blonde boy shot up. 

“WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SAY SHITTY HAIR?” The boy glanced at me and then back to Kirishima. I see him do a double-take at me and blink slightly. He quickly regains his *terrible* posture and crosses his arms and glares daggers at Kirishima.

"This is (Y/N) (L/N) by the way" He added, acting like he didn't just get screamed at. I smile slightly and wave. I feel someone hug me from behind and put their hands over my eyes. "Guess who" a very high and obviously fake voice came from behind me. I think for a second; the only person I know that would need to make their voice higher other than Kirishima would be....

"zuku!" He huffs and removes his hands and I turn around to stand up and hug him. Me and Izuku have known each other for a while, my dad is his moms brother, making us cousins. So him and I would hang out often. Just as I was about to start a conversation with him our teacher Aizawa appeared from practically nowhere and told us to take our seats.

I got a weird feeling that someone was watching me about halfway through the lesson, figuring it to be Izuku I glance at him only to find his head stuck in his notebook writing down what Aizawa said. I looked around the classroom before giving up and looking down at my desk. I still feel watched and out of the corner of my eye I see Katsuki Bakugou staring directly at me. I make eye contact with him and hold it for about 3 seconds before snapping my eyes to my notes. I see him move his head to his notebook to start writing his notes.

When class lets out for the day I organize and pack all my things together in my bag and stand up to leave when I notice a note on my desk; neatly folded into quarters. I look around the classroom and just now notice I'm the only person left in the room. I pick up the note and open it, reading it out loud. 

"Meet me at the (Random Park Name: R/P/N) at five" I glanced at the clock that reads 3:45. Giving me plenty of time to go home, have a snack, get dressed and go. I don't know why I'm going, I just feel like I need to. 

I walk out of my house holding the note in my hand. I walk to (R/P/N) and stand outside the entrance. I walk in and sit on one of the benches and scroll on my phone. I feel someone sit next to me but I pay them no attention. I could tell it was a guy but I didn't want to seem weird or something. He cleared his throat expectantly. I look up at him to meet the gaze of Bakugou. I feel my cheeks heat up slightly and look down at my hand holding the note. 

"Um. Hi. I'm assuming you gave me the note then? Is there something you need?" I raise my head to look at him. He scoffs, "We both know we're soulmates so don't act fuckin stupid like those other idiots." He snaps. 

"Alright fine. Yes we're soulmates. Why did you want to talk to me" I said, trying to act super chill about it. "Because I wanted to get to know you dumbass"

For someone as hot as you, you seem really dumb 

"I could say the same thing to you gorgeous" I snap my head to him to see his eyebrows raised and him smirking. My face flushed, did I say that out loud?

Timeeeeskipppp

Me and Bakugou walked together for about 3 hours after that, just telling each other about ourselves. I learned that he is really sweet-hearted but he doesn't want people to know that so he made me swear not to say anything about it. Somehow our hands got linked together and we were sitting in a patch of dandelions on a large hill looking down at the city. 

"You know I've dreamed about meeting someone as pretty as you the day you appeared in my mirror" He commented, glancing over at me. He was really good at complimenting, I've lost count of how many times he's made me blush tonight.

I leaned my head on his shoulder and asked "does this mean we're a thing now?" He let out a soft laugh and put his hand under my chin and lifting me head up. He closed the gap between us. I couldn't help but notice how soft his lips were. I leaned into the kiss, deepening it as he cupped my face. When we broke apart he rested his forehead onto mine and smiled softly at me. 

"Of course we're a thing dumbass"

AHhh I'm bad at writing romantic scenes I'm sorry xD

[streamacademe]

Bonus post: Thesis writing.

This post will be a combination of tips and tricks I have received from numerous sources, with the majority coming from Shinton Consulting and STREAM IDC staff. 

The big T

If you’re anything like me, just the word ‘thesis’ can instill a sense of dread in me. However, the best way to deal with a phobia is to face it head on, so let’s do just that, both in a literal and metaphorical sense. 

What a thesis is and what to expect...

Writing a thesis could take anywhere between four weeks to a whole year, and sometimes even longer! The worst thing you can do is compare your progress to that of others; setting a benchmark is one thing, but beating yourself into a panicked pulp because you haven’t written as many chapters as a fellow PhD/EngD won’t do you any good. The best thing you can do is have regular discussions with your supervisors on how long your thesis will take and plan accordingly. 🕖

Your thesis has to be fit for purpose (that is to pass), which means that it has to:

Satisfy the expectations of your institution and industry sponsor (if applicable).

How did you solve the problem that was proposed to you?

Contain material which presents a unified body of work that could reasonably be achieved on the basis of three years’ postgraduate study and research.

Show you have done the work and impress your examiners.

Allow your examiners to confirm that the thesis is an original work, which makes a significant contribution to the field, including material worthy of publication.

Research your examiners and quote them where possible, especially if they’re relevant to your field.

Show adequate knowledge of the field of study and relevant literature. 

Make sure you read all of the key papers in your field. 

What were the gaps in knowledge?

The ‘references’ section is very important as this sets the scene and examiners will read this. BUT, don’t have too many references. 

Demonstrate critical judgement with regard to both the candidate’s work and that of other scholars in the same general field.

Compare approaches and conclusions of others.

Note potential conflicts of interest.

Why did you use this method/approach?

Is your interpretation the only possible explanation?

Be presented in a clear, consistent, concise, and accessible format. 

Make your examiners lives easier. 

Make your viva as pleasant as can be!

Basically, you need to know why your project was important, be able to explain the key work that has already been done in the area and how it relates to your research aim. You should then be able to explain what you have done during your research and how this contributes to your field. 

Note: Keep checking university regulations! Each university should have their own code of practice for supervisors and research students, which will look something like this. 

Picture: A short summary of the above. Source: Tumblr.

Planning and writing

I’m not going to lie to you, it is not going to be easy. I have only just embarked on the journey myself and am already overwhelmed. However, with the right preparation, coping mechanisms in place, and a tremendous amount of self-discipline, we will get through. ☕

Getting started

You need to practice writing. That’s as simple as advice gets. 

You need to practice reading other PhD/EngD theses, mainly to understand what to expect, and to experience what being the audience for a thesis is like. 

Create a thesis plan... 

To start the mammoth task that is thesis writing, it needs to be fully understood and broken down into manageable chunks.

Make a plan (perhaps based on the table of contents of another thesis) of all the sections and chapters in the thesis.

Then break these into sections and keep breaking it down until you are almost at the paragraph level.

Now you can start writing!

Where to start the actual writing?

Start with the most comfortable chapter, such as a previously published paper, a set of results that are straightforward and can be easily explained, methodology/methods, etc. 

Create a storyboard for your thesis and write as if you are telling that story.

If you’re not sure what comes next, refer to previous theses and back to your plan and storyboard. 

Be ready to amend the plan for future chapters as each is completed and you become more aware of what the thesis must contain.

Remember: THINKING IS HARD, WRITING IS EASIER. 💭

Organisation

Develop and maintain a logical filing system.

Improve your back up technique; if it’s not saved in 3+ locations, it is not safely backed up.

Back up every day.

Never overwrite previous documents, just make many versions. It’s not worth the risk of losing a valuable piece of work from a copy and paste error.

Copy any key parts from your lab/note/field books as these can get lost/damaged.

Keep a file/folder of thoughts, references, etc. that you are not including in your thesis; these may be useful to refer back to for ideas and information.

Effective writing

Establish a routine, don’t be distracted, take breaks.

Set clear and realistic goals for each week/day. 

A GANTT chart is very good for this; use it to keep on track and measure progress.

You just gotta start. The hardest part is the beginning.

Don’t stall on details, walk away for a short break to clear your mind.

Get formatting correct from the start (check your code of practice/regulations).

Be consistent with references.

Seek help from the experts - supervisors, postdocs, online sources/training programmes etc.

Create SMART objectives for your writing process:

Specific - e.g. “I will complete chapter 3/collate all diagrams” rather than “I will make good progress”.

Measurable - e.g. “I will write 4 pages today” not “I will try to write as much as I can”.

Achievable - e.g. “I will complete the first draft for my supervisor” not “I will get it perfect before he/she sees it”.

Realistic - e.g. “I will complete the introduction today” not “I will complete a chapter a week”.

Time - it can be useful to set yourself deadlines e.g. tell your supervisor you will hand in a draft on a certain day - that way you are sure to have it done.

Finally, find a balance between being tough with yourself whilst protecting your well-being the best you can. I wrote a post a little while ago that covers managing your mental health during a PhD. Read it here. 

GIF: Anna Kendrick dishing out some top advice. Source: Tumblr.

A few more tips

Supervisor management

Establish what you want to cover in each meeting.

Keep a record of the outcomes and actions from those meetings.

Make your supervisors lives easy; they’re very busy humans.

They are unlikely to judge work unless it is presented completely (i.e. fully written with tables, figures, etc.).

Give them a neat, complete version of a chapter at a time (proof-read thoroughly and spell-checked).

It is in your supervisors interest for you to complete in good time; they are experts and will offer a lot of support.

To summarise, a good thesis:

Has an appreciation of what came before.

Focuses on the interesting and important.

Is well reasoned.

Will change the way people think.

Will teach your supervisors something. 

Has publishable results.

Is logical in presentation, analysis, and arguments.

Is well illustrated with tables, figures, graphs, summary flow charts etc.

It is worth spending a lot of time on these. 

Is written without grammatical and spelling errors.

Has an appreciation of what comes next.

I hope that the above was helpful! There are many resources out there, so get exploring if you need more advice!

I’ll soon be writing a post on how to survive your viva! So, watch this space. ✨

Photo: Make this your phone/desktop/laptop/everything background when you’re writing, I know I will! Source: Tumblr.

[someone-worth-racing-for]

Hey there!

I am quite new here and I was wondering how you got into this fandom. Specially the carlandofandom :)

Also, when did you start writing? I saw your posts the other day about not being able to write all of it, so it somehow triggered me to write some stuff myself (some requests were just too cute).

Havent been properly writing for ages though and I am not quite sure if anybody wants to read my stuff...any advice? Im so indecisive...

Thanks for all your great stories and have nice day :)

Hey you, anonym and especially – welcome to the fandom! 🤗❤️

Oh my God, believe me – you actually don’t want to know how I got to this fandom, it’s such a long story.. You better grab yourself some Coke and popcorn, because this will be a longer one.. 🥤🍿

But alright, everything has begun with that the TWD (The Walking Dead) fandom has started to annoy/boring me, also because the show has become pretty bad and I wanted to leave the sinking ship before it will be too late. That must have been around autumn/winter 2018. During the winter months I really, really love to watch ski jumping, also because it’s pretty popular in my country (Austria). I was already a fan of it since many, many years, but I only became a real fan at that time. I always say I love this sport so much, because those jumps are always so “quickly over” – meaning that I don’t have to wait for too long to find out the results. Yeah, the competition itself isn't that short, but the individual jumps of each athlete are. That’s why I actually “hate” F1 so much, because I have to wait freaking two hours of pure stress, several mental breakdowns and heart attacks later to finally find out who will win, and also because so much can happen during a race, while those ski jumpers are practicing individual – does that make any sense!? However, so I got pretty deep into the ski jumping fandom over that time, especially also here on Tumblr, where I have met a pretty nice girl back then, who had been as thrilled about the fandom as me. But you know, during the summer there aren’t any competitions, so it had been pretty boring in the ski jumping fandom and then suddenly that girl came up with F1.

The first thing I have thought was ‘NO WAY! NEVER EVER!’ – you have to know, I have really hated F1 with a passion before August 2019. I was always making fun of my boyfriend watching those cars driving in circles for two hours. I just couldn’t understand it how someone can watch that voluntary (I sometimes still can’t..😅) and I really, really hated it with everything I had. My boyfriend even was at the Austrian GP in 2019 and back then my biggest nightmare would have been if he would have forced me to come with him (he got there with his father in the end – today I would give everything to get there!)

I remember, we have been on vacation during the beginning of August 2019. We were in a theme park, when my boyfriend said at one point that he will get over to that bench in the shadow under the tree now and watch the qualifying. I have really thought he was kidding me, because I couldn’t understand how the hell someone would watch something so stupid like F1, while being in a freaking theme park. Well, today I would be the one sitting there on the bench, while my boyfriend would probably urge me to please finally stand up so we could go on 😅

That was at the beginning of August 2019 – so I must have slowly but sure fallen for the fandom around 15th of August. And if you believe me or not, but I have neither fallen for Lando nor for Carlos at the first place. It was actually Max, also because he was one of the less drivers I have known next to Lewis, Sebastian, Valtteri (I always had to think about Harry Potter because of Bottas..😂) and probably Nico. But I have actually began to “stalk” when I have got to know about that Max has a little sister and I have found those sweet pics of him with her together (Do you know which pics I mean? You should really check them out – they are so cute). And somehow Lando came into the play as well and so my first story for this fandom resulted. Back then I have really, really thought it would be the first and also last story I will ever publish for this fandom. Well, that didn’t aged well..😅 Somehow my interest grew and grew with every more day stalking the internet for content and by the time of the first race after the summer break, I was already a fan. Spa 2019 has been the first F1 race I have ever watched from the start till the end and I have to say that this weekend has broken me (literally). Of course, because of Anthoine, but also because this time of the year is since 2017 never easy for me and on that weekend also Carlando finally came into the play. Check out this post from a few weeks ago – Carlos’ birthday on Sunday and that Lando has supposedly hugged Carlos after his DNF has really, really touched my heart and since that day these two boys own my heart and I remember, that the next day after the race I have got up at five in the morning to write “Tomorrow will be kinder” – because writing is sometimes my only way to deal with things, so I just had to write my thoughts/feelings down and it was the beginning of something beautiful actually.

But there is one more little story I have to tell you about my F1 past – this story right here is actually one of @hurtsprincess favourite ones. Because back in 2015, when F1 was finally back in Austria again, I was there by the race as probably the biggest F1-hater under all of them. Half of our town and so also most of our friends has got there, so it was kind of peer pressure, why I have finally joined them as well. We had to stand up really, really early – actually it was still in the middle of the night (I think it was three in the morning or so) and got to Spielberg with the bus. It was one of the hottest day of the year back then and after watching “the race of generations” with Niki Lauda, Gerhard Berger and some others and then following also the F3 and F2 races (Me, back in 2015: What do you mean there are races before the actual race? What the hell is F3 and F2?) and because we were so damn tired after standing up so early, most of us, including myself, were sleeping in the meadow during the F1 race. So I have missed over half of the race and I really can’t even remember anymore who has won 😅 But it had still been a funny day for my as a F1-hater, but believe me - if I should ever get to a GP again, this won’t ever happen to me again! 😅 I promise! 🤞🏼

Wow, this has turned out longer than you have actually wanted it, right anonym?! 

Your first question about how I have got into the Carlando fandom is probably answered now and also half of your second question. But I have actually started writing fanfictions back in autumn 2016 for the TWD fandom. I have written overall 16 stories for that fandom and 4 stories in German for the ski jumping fandom, but as much as I have already loved to write fanfictions back then, it only really became my passion and biggest hobby with Carlando. I just can’t stop writing about them, also because they make me so happy and for me so easy with those dorks just being them 😊

Yeah, I’m still very sorry about that I just can’t write stories to all of these great requests, even tho I would really, really like to do - but if you have got inspired by one of these, you should give it a try!

But if you are really that indecisive and shy, you could use the anonymity of the internet for your favor (in this case this posibilty is a good thing - as long as you use your anonymity not for spreading hate/attacking/bullying someone) You know what I mean? I actually did/do that as well. Only three people here on Tumblr know who I really am. Some of you may know from where I am (because I don’t make a secret out of it) and some here even know my name, but that’s it. I don’t share any more personal things about my identity, because I also prefer to stay anonymous here, especially because only my boyfriend, my best friend and my mother know about that I’m writing fanfictions. All those other people I call “friends” don’t know about it or me having this account here and I also don’t want them to know, because they simply wouldn’t understand it.

What I’m trying to say here - if it makes you feel better and also more secure, you could upload your story on AO3 without telling anyone it’s you. Or if you don’t want to post it on AO3 and you also don’t want to post it on your Tumblr account, I offer you to send me your story anonymous. I would post it in your “name” aka anonym, saying that this story isn't mine and you could watch/read the reactions.

You don’t have to lose anything, anonym 😉 I would really, really like to read your story, no matter if you will decide to publish it with your name or anonymous. Because there won’t ever be enough writers out there, blessing us with their great stories. Also because I am as much a passionate reader than a writer. And I’m also pretty sure about that you are talented and also about that your story would be more than just worth reading it 😊

Thank you so much for your message, anonym and I’m sorry my answer turned out to be so long 😅 but I really hope my words have helped you in some way, because I’m pretty sure about that you actually don’t have to have a reason to be that shy and indecisive 😉 Just give it a try, as long as it makes you happy 🤗❤️

[honeypirate]

Figure it out

Part four

Hinawa and fem reader

Masterlist here

The one with ✨ another song! ✨ And nurse 👨‍⚕️Hinawa!

I’m like that monkey at a type writer that people always say “even a monkey could write that” that’s how I feel with this lol but I like it anyway 😜

You wake up before him, slowly coming to consciousness as the sun shines into the window, your eyes flutter open and immediately look over to him, taking in his messy bed hair and calm face, a hand on his chest and one on his stomach. You watch him until you see him start to stir, then you take a deep breath and sit up, stretching out your arms and groaning at the pain and stiff muscles from your injury.

“Good morning sleepy head” you say when he sits up, he smiles “good morning” you smile at his morning voice, so low and raspy. “How do you feel?” he asks and you shrug “as good as i can post surgery with a stab wound. I don’t like that you were so overworked, but I’m glad I don't have to be here alone” he yawns and then smiles softly at you, his eyes still full of sleep as he gazes over at you “well, honestly, even if I didn’t have to be here, I still would come and stay by you if i knew you didn’t want to be alone.” you raise your eyebrows with a smile “you’d do that for me?” he nods and sighs, a soft sound containing all he feels about waking up and seeing you in the morning, makes him wish he stayed beside you when he slept in your bed. “of course i would. You’re important to me” he says softly and before you could discuss that any further nurses came through the door.

After their tests they tell you that Hinawa can be discharged and that you could as well if you promised to be on bed rest with minimal office duties for the next few months until you’re fully healed. You decided to take that offer because there was no way in hell you’d sleep in this bed another night, they gave you some as needed pain medication and a prescription for another month, with an appointment to get your stitches taken out in two weeks.

Back at the base you head towards the Captain’s office but Hinawa stops you “you heard them. you should go rest. I’ll tell Captain Obi” you’re about to insist you’re fine but he shakes his head, holding out your medication he was carrying “go, take some of your medication and rest” he orders and gently shoves you in the direction of your room and you huff before sticking your tongue out at him as you walk away, keeping your right arm against your middle so you didn’t move your stitches.

You stop by the kitchen to get some water and run into Maki, “oh Y/N you’re finally back! How are you?” “it’ll take more than a little knife to take me out” you say and laugh gently as you get yourself a glass of water “how long will you be out?” you take one of your pills before you say “a couple months, i hope less though” she nods “you should go rest but it’s my turn for dinner so it’ll be done in a few hours” you nod “okay thank you, see you later”

When you make it back to your room you lay down, the short walk strangely exhausting, you find yourself panting, your side hurting. “Okay, i’ll just lay here until my meds kick in, then i’ll get up” you close your eyes, trying to distract you from the throbbing pain, focusing on evening out your breaths, you didn’t notice when the meds kicked in because you were already asleep.

When you wake up again it’s dark outside, your clock’s lights reading 12:23am, you lay there for a moment, considering going back to sleep but your stomach rumbles and you groan, having missed all meals today you were starving. You slowly roll out of bed, the familiar walk taking longer because of your baby steps.

He was worried when you didn’t come to dinner, but he figured you were sleeping when your door was quiet, and figured he would make you a good breakfast in the morning. He woke up to your singing again, your voice from the kitchen vents

“It's nothing, it's so normal you You just stand there, I could say so much But I don't go there 'cause I don't want to I was thinking if you were lonely Maybe we could leave here and no one would know At least not to the point that we would think so”

He pushes off his blanket and quickly makes his way to the kitchen.

The lights are on this time, illuminating the hallway from the open door “And I couldn't tell, if anyone here was feeling the way I do But I'm lonely now, and I don't know how To get it back to good”

he walks in and smiles at the sight of you singing softly, heating up some of dinner with a metal bowl with your hands on either side, using your fire instead of the microwave. “Hey” he says and you look up at him from the counter you had used a chair to be able to sit on top of, “hey are you hungry?” you ask and he shrugs “i could eat” you laugh “perfect, I already have enough for you here”

You convince him to eat on the couch since you were injured, and he carries both of your bowls as you walk, he tells you everything you missed during the later afternoon and evening, the fights over dinner and the new information about the white clad. Once you’re sitting on the couch, he hands you your bowl and you smile up at him warmly “thank you Hinawa” he nods and sits next to you, his thigh pressed into yours leaving no space between you. He was warm and it was comforting, you found yourself leaning into him but didn’t care enough to stop, you were injured and medicated and needed some comfort from him

You eat in silence and when you are just thinking about how you needed a drink, Hinawa hands you a bottle of water. you didn’t question it, just took it with a smile. After you were done eating, you leaned your head against his shoulder and closed your eyes “when I was younger, I used to help out on my grandma’s farm in the Chinese peninsula. well one day i was messing around while working, completly goofing off, and slipped in some mud while carrying these 5 gallon buckets full of water with lids on them. i slipped and landed on the very edge of the lid. The edge went right between two of my ribs and cracked them. What was the worst was that one of the farm workers saw it happen and came to ask me if i was okay and I just popped up and pretended i was fine, i said “at least i didn’t spill the water!” and laughed And he gave me this like” you raise your head and look at him with a super worried face, causing him to chuckle “and he said ‘no sweetheart,who cares about the water. Are YOU okay?” you chuckle, the medication making your ribs only slightly ache, “I didn’t even find out my ribs were hurt until later, showing my grandma my bruises that night, it hurt to laugh for two weeks or so” you lean your head against his shoulder “you must have been a really tough kid” you smile and nod “I guess I was, but the actual reason why I told you this story,” you frown and bring your hand up, grabbing his shirt sleeve gently and turn your face further into his arm, your voice more muffled now “ this injury is going to take longer to heal than that one, which means less time I can laugh. And I love joking around with you every day, love that you make me laugh easily, I don’t want to have to miss out on that for a long time” he chuckles and lifts his arm, wrapping it around your shoulders and gently holds you a little closer “i’m sorry you wont get my amazing jokes for the next little while” you lean up and point at him “you have to keep telling me things! No! Don't stop. I will just control myself!” he smiles and you get a little embarrassed by your outburst “please, dont stop telling me funny things. Okay?” you whisper and he nods “okay, but if you hurt yourself and laugh i will stop right then” you nod quickly “deal! No going back on it!”

He laughs some more and you lean back into him, a smile on your face as you try and hold in a groan, pain shooting in your side from your wound, hoping to get away with it until Hinawa tenses, scooting forward and looking at your side with a worried face, thats when you notice the blood on his side and you gasp, looking down at yourself and seeing the blood spot against your white shirt “you might have ripped a stitch” he says and you sigh “fuck. Can you help me? I can't quite..” you hold your hands up and try to reach it to showing him how awkward it is, he nods “i’ll meet you in the bathroom for the better light after i put the dishes away i’ll grab the first aid kit and be right there” you nod and stand, wincing with the movement, thankfully Hinawa wasn’t looking and you sighed in relief. When you look up to himhe looks straight into your eyes “i saw that” he says and then laughs at your look “i’m not going to lecture you this time though, not unless you do this again” you nod and salute weakly “yes sir” he shakes his head and holds the two bowls stacked in one hand, his other resting on your lower back as you walk down the hall together, not moving it until you pass the kitchen and he leaves you to continue your slow shuffle by yourself.

You reach the bathroom and manage to maneuver your way up onto the counter top and once you do you look to the doorway and see him standing there, an amused smile on his lips “did you..?” he laughs “yeah, the whole thing. Im impressed with how determined you were, i could have just lifted you if you waited” you sigh and he comes over to you holding the first aid kit and an extra shirt

He looks at you for a few moments, you look back into his eyes without speaking, like you were lost in his beautiful golden orbs, until you realized he can’t help you with your shirt still on. You blush and look down before you use your arm on your good side to lift the bottom up over your head before pulling it down your other arm and holding it in your lap as you avoid eye contact now, suddenly feeling very self conscious.

He watches as you take off your shirt, the tips of his ears turning pink because of how soft your skin looks, of how gorgeous you are. He watches as you blush and shrink into yourself, watching the physical response of your self consciousness. “Hey” he says softly and you hum in question without looking up at him. He reaches out and with his first three fingers, gently tilts your head to look at him.

“Let’s fix you up okay? Don’t worry I wont hurt you” you smile at his warmth “I trust you Hinawa” he nods “good” he drops his hand and then washes them in the sink next to you before opening the first aid kit and slowly peeling off the bandage stuck to your skin with tape.

He dabs at your would gently with a wet washcloth as you hold your arm up, clutching your opposite shoulder so it’s out of his way. “it’s not bad, you won't have to go back to the doctor, you just need to take it easy and go to bed after i’m done” you smile as you study his face while he looks at your stab wound. He dabs it with peroxide, then puts on some neosporin so it won't stick to the gauze he places over it and then another bandage that he wraps around your middle instead of taping it to you.

“Is this too tight?” he asks and you shake your head “no, it’s perfect. Thank you for your help.” he nods “of course, here, i brought you a shirt” he hands you one of his extra black shirts and you thank him before taking it and trying to put it on. He watches as you struggle for a moment before reaching out, helping you unfold it and slip it up over your bad arm and then holds it as you slip your other arm through it, gently sliding the soft material down all the way, his fingers brushing across the skin on your back.

Once you brush your teeth and make sure you have everything you need, you lay in bed, him helping you get situated in silence. You watch him, a question in your eyes that you’re too embarrassed to ask “Do you want me to stay?” he asks for you and you smile shyly “only if you want to though” he smiles and then looks into your eyes “if i am being honest, I slept the best next to you than i have in the all of my adult years” you beam up at him “then you’re saying you’ll-” he nods “I’ll stay” your heart warms and your stomach floods with butterflies as he climbs into your bed beside you.

Because of your wound you have to lay on your side facing him, a smile on your lips and your eyes looking at his face as he lays beside you “you can’t sleep unless you shut your eyes” he says with a smirk, his eyes never opening. You reach out and grab his side, pulling yourself as close to him as you can and moving down just a little before you bury your face in his chest, he chuckles and watches you, waiting until you're comfortable before he gently wraps his arm over you.

“Tell me a story?” you ask and he sighs with a smile into your hair “real or fake?” he asks and you smile into his chest “you decide” he hums as he thinks “okay, ill tell you the story and at the end you can guess if you think it’s fake or real” he thinks for a moment before kissing the top of your head and beginning his story, his hand coming up to play with your hair that’s on the bed behind you

“There once was a prince of a small kingdom, he was handsome, intelligent, and level headed. One day the prince’s best friend was poisoned by a neighboring kingdom that was trying to start a war. The prince vowed then and there that he would never allow himself to care for another person again, never wanting to feel the same pain and grief again. He lived like this for many years, keeping his heart guarded, thinking he was doing the right thing” you were trying so hard to pay attention, forcing yourself to stay awake for this, it felt important. But the sound of his voice, the smell of him, and the warmth of him holding you, that fights to pull you to sleep.

“One day the prince met a princess, she came to stay at his kingdom and they became friends, laughing and joking with each other every day, she was the only one in the kingdom who seemed to understand everything about him without even trying. She easily walked into his heart and made it her home, walking through each wall and barrier like it was nothing, like it was her purpose to make him feel again. The only one who made feelings joyous instead of exhausting. She saw every hidden part of the Prince and made him feel worthy, she showed him how nice it is to have someone close to him who understands and doesn't make him feel guilty about where he lacks. The door in his heart opened for her like she had the only key.” you smile, thinking about how lovely the princess sounds. He swallows hard and his hand stills, strands of your hair twisted gently around each finger.

“The Prince fell in love with the Princess easily, even though he hadn’t felt the feeling for years she easily claimed all of his love as her own. She would sing to him, call him to her with her angelic voice. She made him laugh easily and not to mention she was an amazing person. She is kind, smart, and the prince is positive she is made of everything sweet and good. One day the princess got hurt.” Your fingers clutch his shirt gently as you whisper “oh no” he chuckles and kisses the top of your head before continuing “She got hurt and the Prince couldn't protect her. He felt terrible about it even though there wasn’t anything he could have done in the moment, he was tied up at the time. There was nothing he hated more than seeing her hurt and wished he could save her from it, but since he couldn’t, he would do anything he could to help her as she recovered. staying by her side and protecting her until she was strong again, until she was back to being able to protect herself. then he would go back to being her partner, and not just her nurse and guard.” You sigh and turn your face so your cheek presses against his chest “I like the prince” you whisper and he smiles

“Real or fake?” he asks and you hum into his chest, too far asleep to truly answer. You hum again and try to wake yourself up more but your mouth doesnt say what your brain tells it, it just mumbles out “my.. prince” before taking a deep breath and sighing into his chest, completely unconscious.

He wakes up with a start, panic in his heart from a dream he can’t remember. He looks down at you in his arms, a smile on your sweet sleeping face. You looked like an angel in his arms, the sun on the horizon hitting your window illuminated the back of you like a halo. He tried to move, to get comfortable again, but your unconscious hand gripped his shirt, and his heart. He was frozen to the spot, his heart racing thinking he woke you up, he waited a moment before looking down at you again.

“Maybe, if this happens again, we could sleep in your bed. It’s bigger than mine right?” you say and snuggle further into him, making sure you don't hurt yourself anymore, your wound was already throbbing and you didn't want to make it worse until you had to get up. He chuckles and kisses the top of your head “right” he clears his throat, the sun rising waking him up more, “you’d want to, do this again? Sleep beside each other?” you look up then, opening your eyes purposefully to look into his, “Hinawa” you reach up to cup his cheek “why wouldn’t i? You keep me safe. Do you think that these have just been coincidences? That it was just because you happened to be here?” you pull your hand down and furrow your brows “unless you don’t like mmm--“ you stop and change your sentence “ You don't want to. Then I mean yeah of course whatever you want I don’t want to make you uncomfortable” he smooths out your brows gently with his finger and he chuckles softly “shhh shh it’s not like that” he gently wraps his arm around you and holds you to his chest, his hand gentle against the back of your head.

A knock sounds at your door followed by Maki’s voice “sorry to wake you y/n but we have an emergency meeting in 5” you tense, knowing it must be big if they’re waking everyone “thank you Maki” when her footsteps retreat is when Hinawa lets you go, he looks into your eyes, he was sad you had to part so soon but he knew it must be important. “We’ll talk later” you smile softly and nod as he gets up softly and helps you out of bed so you didn't hurt yourself. At your door he cups your cheek with a smile before silently slipping out your door.

[uwuch9n]

hey person !! today i'll be writing some 2AM sugawara fluff because i'm bored and not tired :D hope u enjoy reading !

characters: sugawara & nb y/n (self insert or oc)

warnings or possible triggers: hands are touched, making out, neck being grabbed (not aggressively!!,) suga and y/n both tear up, goosebumps, a confession, & hugging ! please do not continue reading if any of these things could trigger any unwanted reactions ! maybe the next time i write some fluff or sfw fanfics you’ll be able to read ‘em !

picnic date after practice.

you watch sugawara, asahi, and daichi all laughing and messing around after practice, while kageyama and hinata do their gay little thing. you've been watching them play for the longest time, cheering them on in the crowd, and now that you're in the official karasuno volleyball team, you can't even believe how pretty sugawara actually is up close. or how good they cooperate in the team, that too. sugawara caught your attention the most though, and you knew exactly what it was. his beautiful smile and his soothing voice. though he's never actually talked to you as anything more than a teammate, you felt as though he was just.. special.

of all the boys in the volleyball team, or even in the entirety of karasuno, sugawara was the one you really would like to know the most.

that's when you finally snap out of your little fantasy world and realize that THE sugawara is walking up to you with the biggest smile. you start to tense up, obviously. you've been crushing on him since when..? ever since you saw him? yeah.

"hey there y/n ! i got a question for you, if you don't mind taking a few minutes to talk!" he says enthusiastically. woah. sugawara knows your name and wants to talk to you. SUGAWARA. WANTS. TO. TALK. TO. YOU. and he knows your name.

"wh- yeah sure i've got all day! what's up?" you say acting like this was totally cool with you and you totally weren't just thinking about him. his smile doesn't leave his face, in fact it only grows bigger. he seemed glad that you were free all day. you just didn't know why he was so happy about it.

"awesome ! well i was trying to reach you yesterday but i guess you aren't the type to pick up random numbers are you," he giggled, "i should've messaged you instead... but anyway! i wanted to talk to you about your blocking.. it's really impressive. and i just wanted to say that for a new addition to our team, you really are very skilled. and im so proud of you for that y/n! but im getting off track here aren't i.." he rambled on and on about how impressed he was by you and how he wanted to get to know you better. you sat there flustered and shocked, but still willing to listen to every compliment he threw at you.

his rambling continued and you are able to understand all of it, but then you hear him ask you... a very WATTPAD-ESQUE question.

"i was wondering if maybe you wanted to go on a little picnic date with me so that we could talk about the team.. or if you'd like, talk about each other! whatever you want, i'll make sure to make it happen and-" you cut him off. "MHM! let's totally do it!! i'm so down !! SO PUMPED !! woohOOO! i would love that !!" you blabber out excitedly.

"awe great! when would you like to go? like in a few minutes?? maybe tomorrow? i mean we could go get dressed at home and then bring all the supplies and stuff and meet up at a park if you're fine with it! i'll send you the address of my favorite park.. here lemme just..."he proposed while reaching for his phone. you nod in agreement and both of you exchange numbers, giving each other nicknames in the contact list.

fast forward; you two are already at the park, setting up the picnic spot. (i know im lazy im sorryy)

"alright doll, would you mind bringing over the food basket i set up for us? it's right- yeah right there!" he giggled as you quickly pointed at where it was while he was mid-sentence. he brushed off any unnecessary leaves and dirt on the picnic blanket, and sat down, moving around the food items and snacks to make the setup look cuter and more enjoyable. you finally finish bringing over all the snacks you brought from home and set them down, organizing them alongside suga.

"is that a separate bowl of konpeitō??!" you ask shocked. it was your personal favorite candy and you were curious to know how HE knew that. "yeah it is! i love konpeitō a lot so i brought some for us to share, it's my favorite candy." he replied while scratching his head. "no way! it's my favorite candy too! that's cool!!" you say very hyped. you both giggle and talk about how you two were feeling. things like "how was your week?" and "did you enjoy practice?" were probably the first few questions of the bunch.

of course, the conversation didn't stay dry, and you two talk about lots of things, ranging from why your favorite song was actually a meme song to why sugawara doesn't like to share his snacks with daichi because he eats them all.

you both enjoyed the delicious konpeitō, nommed on some homemade suga-sandwiches, and sipped on fruit punch flavored juice happily while talking about how cute the ducks at the park were.

then sugawara's curiosity kicked in.

"hey doll, i think you already know what i saved you as in my phone, but i never found out what you saved me as.. is it alright if you tell me?" he asked suddenly. he was itching to know what you decided to call him. this was very important to sugawara and you could tell, so you quickly followed up. "i got you saved as suga-bear with a white heart next to it!" you said, smiling gently. he blushed a bit from how calm you said it. your smile made his mind go blank.

"that's.. adorable y/n.. that's so cute..." he lets out after finally finding out how to breathe again. you look away, clearly blushing because of how cute he looked while saying that. he finally mustered up the courage to caress your soft tender hand, squeezing it, not too tightly, and then slowly redirecting his hand to your warm, rosy cheek.

"y/n, honestly.. if i didn't ask you on this date would i have even known how incredibly cute you actually were?" he said as he looked deeply into your eyes, getting lost in them by each passing second. your thoughts raced as his warm hand rested against your left cheek and the wind slowly hit your back. you could hear your heart beating much faster than before. it was a very tense yet relaxing moment.

before you could even respond to his rhetorical question, he leaned in and slowly kissed your lips, his tongue accidentally slipping in. neither of you regretted it though. you kissed back; and for a short moment, your mind went blank. you could feel both his hands moving towards your neck and shoulders. he grabbed your neck gently and only fell into a deeper kiss than when his lips first met yours. his fingers wrapped around your neck and even just the feeling of it gave you goosebumps.

"i don't know if it's too soon to even say this but it's just... it feels right to." he says as he pulled away from the kiss. "doll..." he sighed. "i love you.. and im not holding back from saying that because i know that if we spend even just one more minute together i'll already want to give you the world and all of the universes on a silver platter." he confessed.

you couldn't even believe what was happening. i mean, the kiss alone was enough to make you pass out and yet here you were listening to your crush of 3 years confess his love to you at a cute picnic date.

"i... i love you a lot. im not just saying that because we're here on a little picnic date and i'm not saying it with hopes to make you feel better or give you false hope. i truly feel like you just.. make me feel even more comfortable being myself. even if it was just a short picnic date, even if we played together once or twice during practice, even if this is our first time actually having a full-on conversation. i really do love you... so so much.." you could see a tear rolling down his cheek as he mouthed "thank you" and kissed your cheek.

he went in for a hug and moved his hands and arms up and down against your back. he laughed off his tears while still rubbing your back, and pulled away to wipe his tears. you could tell he wasn't joking about it and that made you get a little emotional too. he grabbed your face and kissed your forehead, then your nose, and lastly, a small peck on the lips.

"suga... i didn't know you felt the same way i did.." you said, reassuring him that you loved him just as much. he laughed through his tears and then sniffed. you could see how he was quickly getting much more comfortable with you.

"i always have... it's just now i'm able to actually tell you about it.. yknow?" he laughed. he intertwined his fingers with yours and tightly held your hands, putting them both close to his face and gently planting kisses on them. both of you looked into each other's eyes and leaned in for a final kiss while the sun was setting.

from the second you saw him, to the moment you two kissed, you knew suga was the one.

that’s all ! i hope you enjoyed this self insert x suga fluff fanfic ! i can't even tell if this one's good or not, but that's because i wrote this at like 2AM and i'm just posting it now because of the lil mistakes lmao. i dont rlly expect this to do any good, just a random fluff i wrote :,)

[multi-fandom-trash]

hey i really love your writings and always look forward to when you post! if this is too triggering i totally understand but could you possibly do and hc for comte, theo, leonardo (possibly napoleon & jean idk how many characters you write for so if that’s too much i understand but at the very least comte) for an mc who is generally known cheerful and happy but she has self harm scars? tysm

Aww thx, also i want to say srry for this being late, i thought it wasnt ganna do much to me bc the other tw one didnt so yea, um... Im srry again and i really hope u enjoy it. Oh and srry no comte or leo srry. And srry if it sucks i kinda had a hard time doing it...

Also let me just say, i want someone like theo😭😭

Napoleon: 

Today (y/n) wanted to come with Napoleon and Isaac to go teach the kids. You were one of the most happy and cheerful people they know and Napoleon thinks kids should look up to you. 

It was hot outside today and before walking out the door, Napoleon asked you why you were wearing a long sleeve shirt. You told him it's just the shirt you threw on and walked out the door. You all returned to the house by the time you needed to help sebas with dinner. 

The kids always have fun wherever you go with them, so after dinner, Napoleon went to look for you. You were washing the dishes. Sebas had to go do something, so you thought you were the only one in the kitchen. 

You didn't want to get your sleeve wet so you pulled them up while you washed the dishes. You were so focused on trying to hurry and get them done that you didn't realize Napoleon entered the room. He was about to ask if you wanted to go with him and isaac tomorrow again, but he noticed something on your arm. Well more like a lot of things. 

‘Scars. From what though?’ he wondered to himself. He gently tapped your shoulder making you jump a little. As soon as you realized someone was in the room, you imminently rolled your sleeves down as fast as you could but it was as fast as you thought. 

You only rolled them down half  way before being stopped by a hand grabbing your wrist. 

“What are these?” he asked with a lot of concern. 

“Scars'' you simply said it and tried getting his arm off you, but it didn't work. “I know that. How did you get them? Who hurt you?” “Myself” you didn't realize you said that till you saw him wide eyed, then he pulled you into a tight hug. 

“Why?” was all he said. You decided to tell him. He was glad you had stopped and tried to be happier. Ever since that day, you two were closer than ever. 

Jean: 

You were in the garden, washing some of the house resident’s pets. You were bored, and already finished the rest of your chores so you decided to offer to clean their pets. Today you were just washing dogs and a tiger. 

You first got Vic cleaned then king, and last cherie. Jean offered to help just in case Cherie decides to be a brat for you. 

You had your sleeves rolled up so you wouldn't get them wet. You thought you had enough soap bubbles to hide your scars, but you thought wrong. 

“Mademoiselle, may i see your arm?” you were so focused on cleaning cherie, you didn't process fully what he meant. So you lift your arm for him to see. Then the second he grabbed your wrist and lightly went over your scars. You tried to pull your arm away but his grip slightly tightened. “Why?” he sounded worried and concerned. You then explained why you did that. 

He pulled you into a tight embrace. You hugged back tears in your eyes, face buried in his chest. You both were like that for a few minutes, holding each other tight, like if one of you lets go, you’ll never see each other again. 

You both decided to let go and finish cleaning cherie. Once done you had to go make dinner. Jean noticed you looked a little down, even with the fake smile you put on so the residence dont worry about you. You thought you might have upset him, or worse, disappointed him. You never wanted to do that. 

After dinner, he met up with you in the kitchen and asked what was wrong. You told him how you felt. He hugged you again. 

“y/n, you didn't disappoint me. Yes i'm a little upset you did that to yourself, but you stopped, tried and succeeded to become a better person. The scars show how strong you are” you felt like crying again, but the god type of crying. 

Someone cared for you, and it's the person you love the most. You both shared a kiss before you finished up cleaning the dishes. 

Theo: 

You were getting ready for bed, and for some reason your room was really hot. So this was your plan, you will wear a short sleeve shirt to sleep, and wake up before sebas wakes you up so you can change into a long sleeve shirt to hide your scars. 

(TRIGGER WARNING: i wanted this one to be different from the other two, so this one goes slightly more into detail about why you do it, and yea you still do it. Sorry) 

Just when you were about to go to bed, theo knocked. You didn't have time to get something to cover your arms so you just hoped the blanket would cover enough. 

“Come in.” he walked in and sat at the foot of your bed by the edge. “ hondje, make sure to wake up early tomorrow because-” he cut himself off. 

‘’Why are you wrapped around in a blanket?” he asked. “O-oh, n-no reason. J-just cold.”  “ but it's hot in here. Hondje are you alright?” he asked worried. “Im fine dont worry about me” he looked down at your wrist and noticed a few cuts that looked kinda fresh still. He had a plan to make sure he wasn't only seeing things. 

He held your hand. “You know you can tell me anything, right?” “of course.” you said with a fake smile. 

He finished saying what he was gonna say at first, still holding your hand. Odd but you thought nothing of it. He acted like he was gonna get up to leave, but insead gently yanked your arm off the covers, revealing scars. Some old, some barley starting to heal, a couple still looking fresh. 

Theo felt his heart drop, his eyes wide. You looked away in shame. 

“Why hondje? Why would you do this to yourself?” he said almost on the verge of crying. He didn't like seeing you like this. You’ve never seen theo cry before or even on the verge of crying. This was new to you, and you didn't like seeing him like that. 

“You know those girls who always try and flirt with you at the pub? They always run into me while I'm in town shopping, calling me names and just saying stuff I hate. Like they call me slut, and say, ‘Theo doesn't really like you, he comes to see me while he's off to work’ those types of things. I soon felt numb and I wanted to feel something again.” you started to cry because you were ashamed that you hid it from him, that out of everything you could have done, you turned to that option. 

Theo gently pulled you into a hug. Trying to hold back his tears.”you should have told me sooner, you didn't have to do that to yourself. I'm sorry i didn't realize something was wrong sooner, i thought you were always happy and car free. You didn't need to hide this from me.” “it's not your fault. Im sorry.” he held you while you cried into his chest. 

He held you for a few more minutes till he heard you stop crying, well at least for the most part. He gently grabbed your chin with his thumb and index finger to make you look up at him. “I will always love you, never forget that hondje” and with that, he pulls you in a deep and passionate kiss. 

He ended up staying the night in your room because he didn't want to leave you alone. Also he checks you every week to make sure you stopped. And whenever you go to town and he is off work he will go with you and when he is at work he makes sure sebas knows to be with you for the most part. 

He may be protective, but you love it, the one you love the most in the world cares for you and those girls were wrong and always will be. 

Gahhhhh 😩😩🤧🤧 I love the way Theo's came out. Hope u guys do to.

[crimeronan]

ik youre not a therapist and i dont want like therapy or anything but im 17 and ive known i was bipolar for 3 years now and i dont know how im supposed to live the rest of my life like this. im so fucking tired. how do you stay alive

you sent this a couple days ago & i’m posting at a weird time so i’m not sure if you’ll see it but.  

i’ve been looking at this message trying to decide how to respond

because i don’t know your situation, your symptoms, how you’re feeling, whether you’ve had positive or negative experiences with medication, psychiatrists, therapists, hospitals, all that related shit

the bipolar life advice i give to people is vastly different depending on the individual. it’s not a one size fits all thing.  and there’s never even a guarantee that my advice will be the right choice

so since i don’t know about your situation or experiences or what you want, i’m not gonna tell you what to do.  i’m gonna focus on the “how do you stay alive” question and try to pen down some personal feelings. and if they help then great, and if they don’t then... this is the most honest i can be

(you can always ask another question to get a better answer. my inbox is a coin slot and i am a vending machine of varied-degrees-of-helpfulness replies offered at varied-inconvenient-too-long-intervals)

-

how do i stay alive

it’s a 2-parter, actually.  i pondered how to condense my thoughts/feelings, and it came down to these two things

1. love 2. spite

-

1. love

the spite is easier to write about than the love.  love is hard to reach when i feel like shit.

spite is where i go when i want to die.  love is where i go when i want to want to live.

maybe i don’t want to be alive.  but maybe i wish i did.  spite doesn’t help me much there.  spite keeps me afloat, but it doesn’t make the floating pleasurable.  there’s more to life than outlasting everything that ever hurt me.  i need a reason to continue when there’s no enemy to fight

so. love

i almost wrote about the spite alone because that’s rawer, realer, more visceral.  that’s the shit that CONNECTS when everything feels hopeless.  but it would be a lie of omission.  spite is only one of the major food groups, you’ll waste away from malnutrition if you eat it for every meal. or at least, i will.

“so you’ve got a bunch of people you love,” you say, “and you stick around for them.  cry on them.  support each other.  like each other.  fine.”  you’ve heard this story before

nah.

i mean - yes.  i have people i love.  i live with two partners, i’ve got a third girlfriend, i’ve got a long-distance platonic life partner.  i have a support net, i have a family i’ve forged, i have confidence that i’m not alone.  i have, in a bare-bones checklist sort of way, fulfilled my physiological human need for connection

but i could live without every single one of them.  i’m not dependent upon any of them for my survival.  i’m not dependent upon them for love, given or received.  (this isn’t a callous cruelty, it won’t hurt them if/when they read this.  i’ve told them all this, they know.  they’re glad of it.)

so.  what the fuck does “love” mean, then?

the short explanation is that it’s my love of life, of things in the world.  it’s all the little connections i’ve made.  every time i love something, a hook tethers to the universe.  hook enough tethers, and i no longer feel the need to float away.  no dissolution of self today, sir

the rest of this section is some of the things i love. partially it’s to show how i connect to little things and ascribe magic to the mundane.  partially it’s because i like thinking about things i love, i like typing them out, and i like that i could keep going for thousands and thousands of words.

i am laying in bed at 7:30 AM with the lights off and the shades drawn.  blue  light comes through the slats because it’s the better time of year, the one where i finally get vitamin D, the one where the birds chirp at 4AM, the one where the sky isn’t impenetrably black til 10PM.

there’s a weighted blanket tucked around my legs.  my partner rafi bought it for us to share because it’s soothing and heavy and comforting and helps with my physical pain.  right now it’s soft on my skin and if i get too emotional as i write, i can pull it over me like a cloak until i’m settled.

the apartment’s walls are blank because we’ve spent eight months intending to put art up and keep forgetting.  but there’s a newly-unearthed dining area in the kitchen because i finally shifted around the unpacked boxes that were dominating the space.  it’s new and it surprises me every time i walk out there.  it’s open and inviting and bright and it’s a sign that we’re making this place home.

we’ll put a cheap IKEA table by the window and we’ll probably never eat family dinners there - why would we sit in hard chairs and make stiff conversation when we could all cuddle on the couch - but my partner dev will create a place to do their art and the surface will be constantly littered with drying watercolor experiments.

we’ll hang our art one of these days, too, when our collective adhd offers a miraculous combo of remembering + having time + having motivation + having inspiration.  rafi has the most art because they’ve been collecting it for years.  i have to start smaller.  i’m not used to keeping physical objects.  dev has a few pieces thrifted or bought at local artist events or painted themselves

so we’ll put art up in the living room, my single “you are magic” flower print alongside a naked monster lady that dev fell in love with when we browsed art at a yuletide event months ago, alongside rafi’s monster girls and comic characters and book characters and literature art and quotes and abstract pieces and whatever else they have hiding in boxes.

my head protests that naked monster ladies do not belong in the living room, although the picture isn’t overtly sexual.  but then i remember that they do, actually, because it’s our space and we can do whatever we want with it as long as the lease isn’t broken.  there isn’t anyone in the local social circles who’d be perturbed by the decor, as far as i know.  i don’t have to hide anything from my parents because i live 3600 miles from them, and even though i miss my mom, the distance is good for me

there are two exquisite chairs on the porch.  they fold and recline from thrones to nearly-horizontal beds.  there are pillows and cupholders and trays and specific spaces for both a book and a phone.  i can sit there while the morning sun rises and read or play word games or browse tumblr, cup of coffee beside me, trees shielding my eyes from stabby sunbeams

there are remnants of the last tenant’s garden in one corner of the yard.  we’ve done fuckall for yardwork but plants struggle through anyway.  some seem to have sprouted by accident.  mushroom clusters populate the edges of the fence.  the apartment squirrel (there are probably several, but i like to think it’s a single energetic creature) runs back and forth along the fence & i always lose my train of thought & then laugh my ASS off at the “SQUIRREL! XD” adhd moment.  birds kick up leaf litter and play on the ground looking for insects to eat, they wiggle their tail feathers and flap their wings and sometimes they disappear and then return with friends

a little more than eleven months ago, i packed all of dev’s and my shit into a uhaul and drove and drove and drove to get to this city i’d never been in before to live with a partner i’d never cohabitated with.  we were homeless for more than a month, we weathered some financial disasters, we met some great people and some shitty ones

on the drive i fell in love with the sky.  i didn’t know how big it can get - actually, that’s a lie.  i’d FORGOTTEN how big it can get.  i’ve loved the sky thirty miles out to sea, no land in sight in any direction, just blue water and blue space above.  i’ve loved the vastness and the yawning beneath me and the knowledge that everything is BIGGER than i can fathom.  the depth of the sea doesn’t frighten me, it’s home. i don’t want to die, but if i had to, the ocean makes a soothing grave

in north dakota i discovered that i’ve been partially blind my whole life, which is a different tale that showed me i’ll never stop learning myself.  in montana we struggled up thousands of feet of mountains with the car huffing and puffing at the trailer’s weight, and when we finally coasted downward, it felt like sudden freefall.  we ended up in the pitch darkness of night on sheer winding interstates with midnight construction projects forcing detours.  the mountains felt hungry, they had teeth.  mountain cliffs are much scarier to me than the ocean depths

i bought a red bull and poured a little out the driver’s side door as an offering to hermes, because i’m not particularly religious but i’ll take help where i can get it.  slammed that back in a few gulps and shook to bright-eyed alertness and ended up behind a slow-driving red pickup truck that guided us over about a hundred miles of mountain terrain

i thought, that’s just some construction worker driving between sites.  the roads are empty at this time of night, but it’s an interstate.  of course we’d end up behind someone.  this isn’t divine intervention.  this isn’t the benevolence of a god

i thought, but it can be a little magic.  if i want it to be.  

and it was.  it stays with me.

god help me but i’ve been writing this stream of consciousness for more than 30 minutes and i’ve said nothing.  i haven’t talked about the city, the parks, the people, the conversations, the books, the tv shows, the movies, the communities, the library, the animals, writing, reading, singing, acting, swimming, analyzing, creating, supporting, building.  and i can keep going.  i can come up with hundreds and hundreds of things i love and i can write paragraphs about all of them

so i’ll stop here.  you get the picture.  love is the life i’ve made for myself, the surroundings i’ve built, the quiet moments i can capture, the inspiration i pin, the magic i commit to memory.

i had to work so damn hard for every single bit of this.

i’ll be fucking damned if i let it go because my brain tried to trick me into thinking death is better.

-

2. spite

there are people who want me to die.

i don’t mean that i have a giant entourage of personalized enemies who curse my name and plan my individual demise.  although there have been plenty of people who have not liked me much.  probably some of them would enjoy my death.  i don’t give a shit about that

there are people who want me dead because i am a dot on a grid they dislike.  a faceless anonymous enemy who meets too many bad criteria with numbers and percentages and shrinking majorities and shifting public opinion

because i’m gay.  because i’m bipolar.  because i’m autistic.  because i’m a dropout.  because i grew up poor.  because my spine curves and my shoulders ache.  because i squandered my potential, because i didn’t have enough potential, because i didn’t love god enough, because i love the wrong gods, because i don’t worship, because i worship wrong, because i didn’t seek a husband, because i never wanted one, because i talk too much, because i can’t be controlled, because i chose to leave the fold when i realized it was suffocating me, because i’m ugly, because i’m gorgeous, because my body belongs to me

pick your poison.

this bothered me growing up, a lot. i knew i did not deserve to die. but if enough people tell you that you should, a little part of you will wonder if they’re right.  that little part might become bigger the closer they get and the louder they shout and the longer they wear you down

we know the rough shape of this story, i don’t need to tell it.  mine was messy and not triumphant and i survived more by chance than premeditation.

i’m older now.  by and large i’m still young as shit - i’m 24 - but GOD i am LEAGUES away from 15, 16, 17. i know who i am. i know what i want. i know how to get it. and when i don’t know that, i find out. i tell the truth.  i ask for what i want.  i use my time how i want.  i do what i want.

there are days that i can’t access the “love” side of the equation.  no finding poetry in birdsong or sugared coffee for me, thank you, i feel like shit and the world is awful and everything is too big and fast and cruel and everything wants me to die and it wants everything i love to die, too.  everyone i love.  it’s all garbage. the good doesn’t touch me

trauma is difficult to describe.  the difficulty is compounded by the fact that my trauma is influenced by my various neurodivergences, bipolar included.  i never know if i’m feeling what other people do.  i don’t know if i’m voicing unpalatable feelings others are afraid to express - or if i’m just othering myself, admitting i’m not as human as everyone else.

there is something malevolent and monstrous inside me.  i don’t touch it all the time.  but i don’t pretend it isn’t there.  it sits in my chest and molders or radiates or oozes.  it presses at my throat.  it curdles in my stomach.  it hurts what it touches, whether that’s me or someone i love or someone i hate.  it sets things aflame with no regard for the precious or the fragile.  it tears down walls and razes shelters and begs for apocalyptic rain.

i can give this thing names, clinical descriptors.  i know what it is on a diagnostic chart, in a ponderous article, in an academic debate, in a fiction novel, in a war movie, in a memoir.  there are a thousand ways to describe this thing.  the descriptors aren’t important.  what is important is this - i have learned that most people do not walk side-by-side with a tornado-hurricane-hellfire-weaponized-open-nuclear-reactor.  this is not a “normal” expression of human emotion, this is not me trying to ascribe power to “bad bipolar feelings.”  this thing lives in me and i know why it’s there and it is not designed to be held/silenced/muzzled/controlled by my body.

it does not help to pretend this thing does not exist.  it does not help to try to reason it away or ignore it or tell it to stop.  it wants what it wants, it does what it does.  possibly if i was better at therapy or stubbornness then i wouldn’t resign myself to that

but it is fucking EXHAUSTING to try to fight something that’s part of me.  to try to reshape it, rename it, pare it down, make it consumable for the masses.  it’s a war i have never won and it’s a war that i will lose if i keep fighting it.  i cannot fight with myself.  i cannot beat my monster into submission.  if we’re gonna battle like that, head to head, me trying to cut it down, me trying to be the hero, it rearing back like a fire-breathing dragon,

then it’s stronger.  it’s always stronger.

so i surrender.

but that’s not where i stop.

can’t fight it.  can’t kill it.  can’t muzzle it.  can’t reshape it, can’t disarm it, can’t contain it.  

alright.  

so what now.

if the surrender was a full giving-up, this is where i’d passively accept that i’m doomed to hurt and destroy everything precious to me.  can’t fix it.  will lose everything, will never experience or deserve happiness, will make the world worse simply by existing.

that sure does sound like impending-doom rhetoric.  hop skip and a jump from some dire-ass conclusions.  

so fuck that, i say. 

here’s a better question.

if it has to get out, then what happens if i control where it goes?

here’s the thing.

the monster doesn’t care what it kills or destroys or hurts.  

“have a conscience, care about things, remember love, stop yourself, don’t do this don’t do this don’t do this.” 

 losing battle.  lost war.

 it’s not the monster’s fault.  the monster doesn’t have complex motivations or hates or fears.  it exists to protect me through scorched earth.  a remnant of a chemical imbalance, maladaptive coping mechanism, bipolar crazy, traumatized injury.  it doesn’t know that its job is obsolete.

i can’t change the monster.

but my mind is a separate thing.  my mind knows what matters, what my priorities are, what i find precious, what i want to protect.  my mind remembers all the things the monster doesn’t.  

my mind has learned things the monster can’t.

when i fight it head-on, the malevolence is stronger than me.  but as i am, walking with it, sitting in my bed writing this while examining the void and the consciousness, describing it, quantifying it,

that’s when i’m stronger.

and with my mind as the stronger force, i can decide where the monster goes.  what it touches.  what it destroys.  what it burns.  where the ashes land.

i do not want to be a destructive person.  i want to be someone who builds, repairs, changes.  i want to make the world better for kids like me.  i want to stop pouring more gasoline onto a fire that’s been burning since long before i was born.  i want to believe - i do believe - that positive change is better than negative.  i do my best to plant good things and enact that positive change instead of becoming a beacon of wrath.

but there are a lot of kids surrounded by people who want them to die, and not all of them have a protective monster.

so it’s good.

when i’m depressed, my mind loses its battles.  my cognizance slips.  i forget why i care.  i forget what i want.  i forget how happiness feels, how to find pleasure in quiet moments.  

i don’t get depressed as often as i used to since my meds are adjusted correctly now.  but it still happens.  it will keep happening for the rest of my life.

my mind weakens and curls up and stops fighting, and the monster is always there.

it’s a very powerful thing when it wants to be.

it wants to survive.

the thing is, it knows there are people that want me/us/whatever dead.  it’s been fighting them forever.  die like they want?  my mind says, sure, what does it matter.

the monster says, nah.  our work isn’t done.  and fuck them, anyway.

so we get up.

-

so that’s how i stay alive.

i typed this for 90 minutes and after editing i’d spent two hours on this post.  i don’t know if anyone will read it all.  i don’t know if it’ll mean anything.  i don’t know if these thoughts even make sense, much less if i’ve conveyed the feelings i have.

i love being alive.  and when i don’t, i love being a monster.  it’s good.  all of it is good.  i’ve reconciled my uglier pieces.  it’s not one or the other, love or spite.  it’s symbiosis.  i need both, i love both.

no guarantees that this is helpful, but based purely on my own life experience, these are my tips for survival:

you’ll have to find your own roots.  i can’t give them to you.  

but it’s possible to dig them in and spread them far enough that one uprooted peg doesn’t shift your whole equilibrium.  

and when you’re tired, rest, and let yourself be tired, and find the reason why you’re staying in the world. 

 i’m positive there’s at least one.

figure out why you’re losing your battles and then change the game.

if you can’t win one setup, don’t try to beat the system.  adjust your strategy.

you’ll be surprised by what you can love when you stop fighting the disparate pieces of you, and instead figure out how to use them.

[oathkeeper-of-tarth]

2020 SU Fic Sampler - WIP Showcase

So in my continued attempts at distraction, I trawled through my SU fanfic folders, looked at the ol’ endless WIP pile. Figured I’d do a little roundup of some that are in something resembling a decent state. Maybe even see where interest lies and all that, get some attention and validation, you know, all that good stuff one craves. Of course, there’s loads more than this, and I might one day post some things I wrote but never quite managed to finish up, or that got super jossed in ways I couldn’t get myself to work around.

Now, in no particular order, here’s 8 draft snippets totaling almost 6000 words - not very polished, obviously, some quite rough around the edges, some long, some short, some that work better without context than others. But here they are anyway, with an utterly predictable array of focal characters. Any missing segments or my asides/notes in the text are [written like this], because I usually write very non-linearly. Hope you all like mood whiplash! 

P.S. I live for comments.

Like Talking To A Wall, aka Bismuth making friends with the wall, statue, and floor Gems. Early precursors to radicalisation and “I would have liberated everyone”, perhaps. Started as one of my first reactions to the Diamond Days episodes.

“Hey, thanks for listening.”

“Anytime. You’re lucky I’m so supportive,” Mica piped up from up on her arch.

Bismuth laughed. Bittersweet. “Yeah. Yeah, I guess I am.”

Then, with a surprisingly gentle hand pressed to the carvings she’d been so careful about, she added a soft: “I’ll miss you.”

“Chin up! It’s gonna be a lovely off-planet adventure for you,” Granite rumbled from just above her head. “A brand new colony! Think of the sights!”

“You can tell us all about it when we see you again.”

Bismuth leaned back, pressing her whole back against the wall, reluctant to leave, even if a snooty shift supervisor was bound to come around and chase her off soon. “Yeah, I’ll make sure to do that.”

They all knew very well that, as always, when the building was done, it was goodbye. The chances of there being a need for repairs or remodelling - and the exact same bismuths being brought in to do them - were incredibly slim.

But pretending was nice, sometimes.

-

Hey, Steven, think I could get a moment before we leave? I won’t be long.

-

They were right where she’d left them, and the years had done very little to change them. A bit of a patina there, some dust, the tiniest bit of wear on sharper corners.

“Bismuth?” Several familiar voices cried out to her in shocked recognition.

She knew she must look a sight - battle-ready and battle-worn, but armour still gleaming, and with a bearing of one who had been through much and was always ready for more. She felt her back had never been so proud and straight, her shoulders so resolutely set.

“I think,” Bismuth grinned, “you’re gonna start seeing changes around these parts.”

---

One for that favourite Pearletariat/Pearl Solidarity fic sub-genre of mine: Clever Pearls Cleverly Getting Around Badly Worded Orders. A bit of an origin for an as-of-yet unnamed pearl OC, because I sure don’t have enough of those!

In the untold thousands of years of Homeworld and Gemkind, and the hundreds of thousands of commands given to hundreds of thousands of pearls, nobody ever thought to Order a pearl not to think. That would imply a they mattered at all, and who would ever put stock in a pearl’s thoughts? Most Gems weren’t sure pearls could think, anyway. I mean, if they could, all that standing around would be intolerable, wouldn’t it? And imagine not being able to say no to anything, even crushing your own gem - shards, at least I’m not a pearl!

They were, occasionally, when dealing with an owner’s important, private, confidential business, Ordered to forget, or, a bit less esoterically, Ordered never to tell.

And [OWNER] has always been all too eager with the Orders. As if she went to bizarre lengths in her thinking that pearl couldn’t - or wouldn’t? - do anything upon merely being told, let alone by herself. Every little thing, from sweeping up the shards of a broken decorative plate to taking down the minutes of an important meeting [OWNER] was presiding over - (im)pressed upon pearl with the crushing weight of an Order.

But she could still think.

Even when Ordered to wait by the door, freezing her limbs and anchoring her legs to the ground with all the force of a starship mooring mechanism. Even when Ordered into silence for days and planetary rotations on end because [OWNER] had wanted to read an important document without being disturbed and it simply didn’t occur to her to lift it when she was done.

In the wake of the Rebellion and the Renegade Pearl, it only gets worse, and soon enough pearl can barely remember the last time a single movement she made was voluntary.

---

SU Future-era Bismuth and Steven convo I scribbled down in between some of these recent eps - after Growing Pains in particular I think - because Bismuth is the absolute pep talk queen.

“You already said you were sorry for trying to kill me in the Forge, and really, it’s okay, it was all a misunderstanding. Besides, it’s more than a lot of people have done!”

Bismuth blinked at the pinkish sheen around Steven’s cheeks, around the downturned brows - strange trick of the light, that. “Steven, come on. Just listen to me for a minute.”

“Okay,” Steven sighed, and leaned against the railing Bismuth had fixed just that morning.

“Point is, for me, the war had never ended. It wasn’t only yesterday, it was today. It was over for everyone, it seemed, except for me. And getting over that, getting used to that, really seeing that as the truth, not living every day buzzed up with that anticipation of the next battle, just waiting for Homeworld to come down hard on us with whatever new horror they’d come up with… that took a while. And it took help.”

[sudden apparent non-sequitur but It’s An Allegory, Steven.]

“When you make a sword, you can’t make it rigid and unyielding. You can’t just temper it into toughness and hardness and make it unbreakable. It needs to have some give in order to be durable, it needs to be able to bend so as not to shatter on impact. And sure, maybe the first parry or strike wouldn’t be the one to do it, but the tenth, the hundreth, the thousandth? Any time you might just find yourself holding on to a hilt with the jagged remnants of everything, and shards scattered on the ground. And if you’re very lucky, that’ll happen during friendly sparring, not in the heat of battle.”

Steven shrugged without response, and seemed to be shrugging off all the words as well. Back to the direct approach it was, then.

“Now you, Steven,” that at least got a bit more attention, “Sure, you can brawl with the best of ‘em, and you put that gem to damn good use. You’ve got great technique drilled in, too - I’d expect nothing less from one of Pearl’s students. But that’s not how you won, in the end, is it? You never won because you were tough, or strong. You have a diamond in you but you’re not hard at all. Well, except on yourself.”

“In the end all of this was possible because you were soft. Just malleable and pliable enough when it was needed. And that takes guts.”

“Hey, I’m just saying,” Bismuth put a hand on his shoulder, and even with all the very human growing he’d done, he still seemed to almost disappear in it. “You put yourself out there for others… maybe it’s about time you let them help you.”

---

The next chapter of the His Dark Materials/Daemons AU which I am sooooo painfully late with it’s not even funny anymore. Already posted some excerpts [here] and [here].

“She’s been... away on business, but we’ve sent a zeppelin for her and she’s well on her way back. Hopefully.”

“You have a zeppelin?” Rose was rapidly failing in all her efforts to keep her voice down. 

“Of a sort. We, er, we... stole it.”

“Stole-!”

“Yes, well, stole might be a strong word,” Pearl tapped a finger against her chin. “You see, there was a small decommissioned postal craft left below the southern mail station aërodock that nobody would ever miss, all I had to do was fix it up a bit and-”

Rose blinked. “You fixed a decommissioned zeppelin.”

Pearl waved a hand almost casually. “I had some help, but yes. Svalbard, understandably, is hard to reach with other means of transport, and Bismuth needed to be able to go back and forth.”

“You,” Rose began, awed, “are utterly wasted on bringing me my slippers, I’ll tell you that.”

“Well then, maybe,” Pearl blushed, but there was nothing hesitant about her smirk and the strikingly proud tilt of her head, “maybe you could take them off with a bit more care than kicking them halfway across the room and sending them off under the cabinets and- and then I wouldn’t need to do that at all. And I could fix all the zeppelins in the world.”

-

[more from the super secret backroom rebellion meeting]

“They’re with the Consistorial Court of Discipline, no doubt. Always on the lookout for,” Bismuth grimaced, “heretics. A lot falls under that. A lot of good excuses to snatch someone off the street and do who knows what to them. And they’ve been funneling people there, people vanished by the CCD. Not lacking in test subjects lately.”

“How did you get this? Where?” It was Sapphire, this time. Ruby seemed overwhelmed, and sat clutching her hand desperately as the tiny frog and hare both whispered something to her.

“We traced the funding for all this. It was difficult and deliberately obfuscated, but we managed. A facility like this, an entire operation, cost a pretty amount, you’d assume - and you’d be right. It had to come from somewhere. And whoever was paying for it was likely to want to know what was being done with their investment.”

“So we followed the trail. And it turned out I was… ideally positioned to… to, erm, procure what evidence there was to be found. Because, well...” Pearl trailed off, and lifted one of the stolen report sheets for all to see.

It was as clear as day, the family crest right above the astronomical amount being granted. Four diamonds, neatly arranged.

Neshu’s ears were flat against his mane, and Rose found herself wishing the ground would simply open up and swallow both her and him and the chair that she sat on and he’d tried to duck under.

Bismuth spoke up, grim, every drop of earlier exuberance gone from her. “When the Diamonds look out from the windows of their mansion, they don’t see people. They see tools, toys, and weapons. Nothing else.” She sounded more tired than angry. “It’s just what they’ve always been doing, but writ large.”

---

And then, of course, the Longass PearlRose Fixit because I hate the gag order but at the same time want it gone… slowly and organically. Alternating Rose and Pearl POVs spanning throughout the rebellion era, all sorts of flashbacks and Imagining Things included. At one point they end up attempting to essentially jailbreak Pearl, because Pearl is, as we all know, absolutely the most hardcore. Also thank you SU Movie for confirming all the awful Alexa-flavour fanon/headcanons and giving me an excuse to dive into a bunch of Gems-as-AI tropey stuff, on top of everything. [another previously posted fragment here]

“I don’t want to. I never want to do that to you again.” She stops, takes a breath, reconsiders. “And I know it’s a lot to ask of you, the trust I just… trampled over. So I want to make sure that it’s not just that, you trusting me not to make the same mistake again, with no reassurance anywhere. I—I want to not be able to. Nobody should be able to do that to you.”

“Nobody should be able to do that to anyone,” Pearl corrects readily.

“You’re right,” Rose smiles, only a bit wry, “as always. My brilliant, brilliant Pearl. What would I do without you?”

“Never get back to the point you were trying to make, I imagine,” Pearl quips with something resembling sauciness, and Rose feels at least some of the weight starting to lift off her.

“Right,” Rose agrees, chastised, and tries to focus. “I just… I’m not sure how, or what I need to do at all. It’s not like there’s much precedent – ownerless pearls are unheard of. Even when their owners get shattered, it’s only ever temporary, and, with such high demand, very brief.”

Pearl nods in agreement, and hums. “Luckily, we’ve seen plenty of unheard of and unspeakable things here.”

[echoes of Scabbard convo]

“I want to know, I want to be certain, that you’re here because you want to be.” 

“So do I.” Pearl responds quietly, letting their fingers entwine.

  [Giving an order not to follow orders doesn’t work, failsafes exist. Then they try a sort of ownership transfer thing, and try to make the new owner Pearl. It doesn’t register, “invalid transfer target”, even when Pearl tries to hack it - some odd gem tool that scans and pokes at her gem - she gets all bummed out because she can’t even reprogram a very basic and modifiable handheld tool/device to recognise a pearl as an actual gem and person. What chance does she have against hearts and minds and an entire ingrained culture of an entire sprawling empire?

“You changed my mind,” says Rose all softly and earnestly.

Have I really? Pearl asks herself but doesn’t let it escape out loud. Still. Step by small step, she admits to herself. Incremental, slow, but persistent work. She can do that. Even as down on herself as she is, she can do that.]

“The… the override.” Pearl breathes out suddenly.

“What?”

“The administrative override - you, or, well... Pink Diamond should be able to trigger it, even without a Rejuvenator. We shouldn’t…” Pearl looks strangely scared now, swallowing small gulps before pushing onwards, hands trembling and fingers knotting together, “w-we shouldn’t need a full reset, really, but. But we can try modifying the owner identification...”

Having to… turn into Pink again (turn back into yourself, you mean, a small voice whispers, who are you trying to fool) doesn’t sit well with her, of course, but. Get a hold of yourself, Pearl certainly has it so much worse in this scenario.

[more here about how they both need to kind of “revert” a bit to try this and it sucks, because no! unpleasant poking of holes in the elaborate fantasy! For the greater good, but still.]

And oh, Pearl looks just about ready to either cry with some strange terror Rose has never seen her display, or dissipate her form on the spot - the small dam of coldly throwing around terms like administrative override activation and owner identification variable providing just enough distance for her to carry on.

“It shouldn’t be too risky if we’re… if you’re careful.”

[Pearl trusts her with everything, her literal entire self - with this thing that is such a blatant violation of her being and her person, that she now wants to turn against itself, using one of the most humiliatingly clearly objectifying aspects of her status as an instrument of her liberation. It is all A Lot.]

Rose remembers, also, with a sting, the way she grumbled and sulked over the gaping pit of guilt in her stomach and refused to even look at the glowing, floating shell Blue was so insistently pushing her towards. She wanted her Pearl back, not whatever White and the others had decided to foist upon her now. Not a pale replacement, nothing they deemed suitable.

-

“Please state preferred customisation options.”

“Come on, Pink,” Blue urges, softly but mercilessly as ever, large hands enveloping Pink almost whole from where they’re planted on her shoulders, “White had her specially made, just for you! And we helped as well - only the best for our Pink. Now it’s up to you to put your finishing touches, as is proper-”

“What for? You’ll just take her away when you feel like it anyway,” she grumbles into her arms, curling up on the floor and resolutely refusing to look even as the glow spreads from the corner of her eye, insistent.

Just as insistent as the awfully familiar little voice. “Please state preferred customisation options.”

“I. Don’t. Care!” But now with a newly noticeable, if strained restraint - not, like her usual, punctuated with a slam of her fist on the floor tiles, perfectly shiny and pink. No, she couldn’t- do something like that again-

“Default setting selected. Please stand by.”

Yellow scoffs and moves to leave. “Come on, Blue. No point to us wasting our time being here if she’s just going to throw one of her tantrums.”

But Blue refuses to leave it at that, and makes sure to cut with parting words, before slinking through the large pink doorway. “I am very disappointed in you, Pink. To act like that, and with White personally making sure you got such a lovely gift even after everything...”

“Waste of good nacre, if you ask me,” Yellow muses from somewhere up above. “At least try not to break this one.” 

The glow intensifies with a hum, and Pink screws her eyes shut and pretends not to see or hear anything. 

By the time she opens them again, the others are gone.

But then there is another presence at her side, hovering just behind, as is proper court protocol. The shuffling of tiny, soft slippers on the polished stone - weren’t pearls supposed to be endlessly, effortlessly quiet?

“Leave me alone,” she preempts quietly. The shuffling moves away.

-

“Please identify yourself.”

Calmly, now, calmly but firmly, just like we planned it. Don’t mess this up now. She’s counting on you. She trusts you. “Pearl.”

“Please state preferred customisation options.”

They’ve discussed this too, of course - extensive (over)preparation and planning down to minutiae is Pearl’s go-to at the best of times, and something she clutches at for comfort at the worst of times. And she’s always, to a sometimes comical extent, despised that ridiculous dress. To a wonderful extent, too, all things considered.

“Revert to last implemented appearance.”

“Settings selected. Please stand by.”

[Of course this doesn’t work because all it does is change the $username$ variable, not the actual identity of the person imprinted: it’s still Rose/Pink, she’s just nicknamed “Pearl” now, but she can still give orders and everything.]

[evolves into Pearl literally hacking herself… the most hardcore of modders]

---

Pearl Playing the Field aka “why not hyper-analyze that one brief shot of the notes and phone numbers in Pearl’s gem and write 9 meet-cutes”. Pearl goes out to “find herself”. Whatever that is supposed to mean. Supposed to be set pre-ASPR, but also extends past it. Ended up with some Bispearl in it too because I am predictable and can absolutely not help myself.

“Your hair is wonderful!” She feels like she almost has to shout to be heard over the din of the bar’s ill-chosen soundtrack, and she doesn’t appreciate it. Definitely not one of her favourite places she’s decided to visit recently. And the ventilation is atrocious.

But still, she’s come all this way, so she may as well make the best of it. And while the preoccupation with hairstyles during first meetings seems like a bit of an odd running theme (can it really be termed a running theme, though, if it’s happened all of two times?), it’s certainly worked in the past (recent, very recent, and hardly bursting with relevant instances, Pearl!). Oh, and this particular one is just too fascinating. Approaching a work of art, Pearl would dare say. Especially, well. Especially when paired with the lovely eyes and striking jawline and strong neck it seems to deliberately be drawing attention to.

Pearl leans on the bar, in the bit of space the woman happily makes for her, and tries to look confident and well-informed, but not smug, no, never smug. “I know... about the, uh, goop, of course. I know how one accomplishes this.”

The woman gives a bemused smile. “Thanks! Not too shabby yourself.” She leans in closer. “I'm actually in school for it.”

“School?” Pearl casts desperately back to what she's heard from Steven and Greg's often hasty instruction. That was for educating human children, wasn't it? She'd put one together for Steven that one time, with desks and a blackboard… and Connie attended one regularly...

“Yeah, kind of a late game career change.” Pearl nods along as she realises - or, rather, remembers - she is absolutely terrible at gauging human ages. “But I thought... after almost 30 years in accounting and not going anywhere I wanted to be going... it’s not like we have all the time in the world, right? So I figured, why not? Go for something I'm actually invested in and that I've always wanted to do, y'know?”

“Oh. Oh yes, yes I do.” And for once, she really does. Well, not the time-related bit, perhaps, but the very particular delight of getting to pursue one’s genuine interests after a long while of being denied? Absolutely. “I’ve done something of the sort myself, actually. Go for it! As they, uh, say.”

The dramatic gesture of almost punching the air with a closed triumphant/defiant fist might have been a tad over the top, but it wins her a smile that doesn’t seem unkind. The woman winks and tips her glass at Pearl, then finishes her drink - something sweet-smelling and almost as colourful as her hair.

“I had a classmate do this one for me, and I did hers after.” Pearl is nodding along again, leaning in to hear better as the woman’s voice dips lower. “I kind of like to experiment, push the limits, go wild with it. Hey. You interested? Promise I won’t go too wild on you.”

Pearl's mind goes blank there for a moment. The woman is… very close, and there are unignorable implications unrelated to hair styling so obvious here even she is picking up on them without issue, and the music hasn’t gotten any quieter. Interested in what, exactly, she wants to ask, but she came here for wild new experiences and exciting novelty, didn’t she, so instead comes out with a rather strangled-sounding: “Eughhhhh...uhhh.... Ye...s?”

The woman’s expression goes serious. “Hey, come on, we don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with.”

---

Forge Showdown AU - aka in a twist of fate Bismuth poofs Rose during their confrontation and revelations happen that change the course of… well, pretty much everything - one of a bunch of AUs where the PD reveal happens earlier and under different circumstances (I had an idea of doing a 5+1 of those at one point).

The glow of the lava coloured the quickly dissipating smoke more orange-red than pale pink, and Bismuth stared numbly at where their revered leader, Rose Quartz herself, had been standing mere moments ago. She’d lashed out, true, but she hadn’t really been expecting the clumsy blow - more of a warning, or underlining a point in their continued argument-turned-fight - to land. In all their many sparring sessions, Rose had never succumbed to something like that, would have never so much as let it brush against her. But she’d been- frozen, distracted… by what? 

There, scraping softly against the ground as it rolled with leftover momentum...

That was not a rose quartz gem.

Bismuth raked her mind feverishly, thought back through the last few, oddly blurred seconds.

“We’re not using this, Bismuth! It’d make us just as bad as them!”

“No! You’re the one who’s as bad as them- look at you, lording over all of us, thinking it’s your right to command me, order me around, like you’re, what, my diamond?”

It… it had to be some kind of imposter, or spy. Right? Some kind of… awful Homeworld plan, trying to tear the Rebellion apart from the inside. Where was Rose, then? The real one? Captured? Being interrogated somewhere, her whereabouts kept strictly secret to minimise the chance of rescue? Shattered? Impossible, they’d never hear the end of the victorious crowing.

When could it have happened? The last few battles and meetings had been nothing out of the ordinary, and Bismuth couldn’t think of anything odd or off about Rose recently at all. Not a single hint or sign that anything was amiss. Not a single misstep. Homeworld would have trained and conditioned its agents well, but Rose- Rose was singular, and utterly one-of-a-kind, and how could they possibly capture all of it so perfectly-

Bismuth startled out of her thoughts as the beginnings of light seemed to gather in the core of the gem, and all but threw herself onto it, encasing it in a bubble.

Rose was rather special, wasn’t she? And not just in what she said or what she did or how she behaved or what she led and encouraged them to do, but… 

Her endless array of wondrous powers. Her sheer strength, overpowering ruby fusions and quartz battalions alike almost single-handedly. The healing which Bismuth herself had been on the receiving, lifesaving end of countless times. The way she called upon the organic creatures of the planet to fight for her, fighting in their name. And then, her regular absences. The way she seemed to know exactly what the Homeworld troops were up to - that wasn’t just some kind of tactical brilliance.

She dared to look at the gem again. Its hue was changed some by the bubble, but that was still in no way a rose quartz gem. No, it was an altogether different shape, but a terrifyingly familiar one.

But it made no sense!

Bismuth ran a slightly trembling hand down her face.

Pearl. Of course, Pearl would have to know, if anyone. About… whatever this was.

But if this, if she was… her, then Pearl-

Bismuth’s insides twisted in horrible ways as the implications began to flitter through her mind, each one worse than the one before it. There was the old call-and-response ringing in her ears, making her feel disoriented and sick with what had to be the beginnings of anger, could grow into a great fury, leaving her unnecessary breaths ragged: Who do you belong to? Nobody!

But-

Not Pearl, then. At least, not at first. Garnet. Garnet would know, and Garnet could See. They’d get to the bottom of this.

---

A metric ton of rebellion era ficlets, vignettes from my eeeEEeeEEeeEEE Bismuth collection mostly, which I’ve been accumulating since 2016 and have only posted some - Pearl, Rose, Garnet, Bismuth centric, occasionally with my takes on namedropped characters, some of which would now need an update to match actual canon.

Snowflake was there, held in Garnet’s arms. The familiar pattern of white speckles on black skin, the tight silver coils of hair sticking out every which way.

“We got her back. She wanted to see you.”

“Me? And you just listened to her? Are you out of your mind? How can I help? Have you taken her to Rose? If her gem- if she-”

“I’m right here!” Snowflake struggled out of Garnet’s hold, and stood up - wobbly, barely upright, but determined, on those legs that ran circles around Homeworld, and ran interference and messages faster than any Wailing Stone, in a pinch. “And I’m fine!”

“You don’t look fine, Snowy- listen, please just-”

Snowflake walked up to her, not stumbling a single time, and, gritting her teeth, looked right at her. The hairline fractures in her gem were visible from here, and Bismuth couldn’t help a wince. “Snowflake, come on-”

“I didn’t tell them anything.”

Bismuth wanted to clutch her to her chest and scream a thousand things at her, but You don’t have to prove anything to me and I’m proud of you and I’m going to make them pay for ever laying a finger on you all waged a war in her throat.

In the end she just settled on holding her close, very gently, until Garnet left, unheard, and came back with Rose, tears already in abundance.

[Later:] “I never properly thanked you, Garnet. For bringing Snowflake back.”

Garnet shrugged. “It was a group effort.”

-

A familiar voice sounded at the entrance to the Forge. “Now come along, it’s just here. Bismuth? Do you have a moment?”

“You know I always have time for you, Pearl,” she called back, putting her current project away. “What did you nee- oh.”

Bismuth blinked.

“Uh... wow,” was the only thing she could manage as pearl after pearl filed into her Forge, soon taking up most of the space around the anvil in impressively neat rows. “New recruits? A whole bunch of you, too.”

“Yes, well,” Pearl made her way to the front of the group, carefully avoiding brushing against the others on her way. She was fidgeting again, long fingers tangling and untangling rapidly, and that was one sure sign of mounting distress. “Garnet and I had planned out an attack on one of Blue Diamond’s supply lines. There was supposed to be a shipment of weapons coming in today, but it turns out it was… pearls.” 

There was something rather off about Pearl’s tone, too. Bismuth made a note to ask later, and do her best to catch her alone.

“Well, all the better for us. Nice to have you all on board.” Her jovial tone was only slightly forced - the pearls all looked like they clearly needed something resembling friendliness, but their skittishness was palpable. She turned towards a pale green pearl right at the front of the group. “Now, what do I call you?”

There was nothing but mild confusion, vague fear, and general quiet shuffling. “No ideas yet? Don’t worry about it! There’s plenty of time to decide and find something that fits.”

[she does indeed manage to talk to Pearl alone, later]

“What’s the real problem, Pearl? You can’t fool me. I can tell something’s wrong.” 

The rather flimsy front finally crumbled at that.

“I just… we- we took out the citrines they’d sent with the shuttle, and Garnet boosted me up so I could force the hatch open and I did, but then...” Pearl let out a distressed little half-sigh half-sob, one hand gesturing weakly. “They were all looking at me so wide-eyed and...”

She took a moment to at least attempt to collect herself.

“I don’t mind having them here, it’s not that at all. It’s just that… we were standing there, with all these newly-made pearls and… obviously I couldn’t just leave them there, in the middle of nowhere! And after what we did, whoever found them, they’d just have them shattered. Because of me. They were compromised. You’ve heard what they do now, haven’t you?”

“Yeah, I’ve heard. They’re the monsters, Pearl, and it’s not on you. It’s not you doing that to pearls, it’s them.”

“But it is on me! It quite literally is because of me, because of what I did, and continue to do. I made myself visible and played at being important and look what it got us,” Pearl was near tears, a frustrated blue colouring her face, “a handful of runaways and the rest being treated worse than ever.” 

The tears were out in full force after that, and Bismuth put an arm around Pearl’s shaking shoulders. “Hey, hey, none of that.”

“We ended up taking them with us, but it feels like… it feels like I forced them to come here. Is it really any better than what Homeworld does? All I did was say you’re going to be rebels instead of you’re going to serve and they never got a say in anything.”

“Have you asked them?”

“They don’t know what-”

“Hey. Just ask them, okay? Ask them what they want. We can help them either way. Of course I’d love them to stay. But it’s not up to me, and if they want to go to wherever it was they were supposed to go- we can do that, too.”

-

[Rose discovers her healing tears in a dramatic fashion - they come up with the idea to make the fountain - and thanks to Save the Light we have a pretty good idea of who lovingly made all those statues]

She gently wiped away some of the chiselling dust with the flat of her thumb, just like a tear. A magnificent, healing, life-giving tear.

This was familiar work. But with none of the endless chafing, none of the hated reminders of her former station - Bismuth couldn’t find anything in herself but reverence. And… inspiration. She was a Gem, stars knew she didn’t need rest, breaks, anything of the sort, but still - this pace wasn’t something she’d felt driven to in a long, long while. All day under the burning summer sun, and every night under the light of her own gem. All alone, as the sanctuary took form under her hands.

To get the curls just right, tiny detail by tiny detail, somehow communicate the softness of those cheeks in stone… it took drawing upon the very depths of her well of skill, because how else could she ever hope to capture the likeness of someone as extraordinary as Rose Quartz?

With small, careful movements, she formed the roundness of the lips that could spit fiery words of rebellion, inspire like no other, scowl fiercely in the heat of battle, smile contagiously, bellow out an outrageous fireside guffaw, murmur comforts so softly, kiss…

And then she did it again, and again, and again.

[in the end, Rose is presented with a veritable shrine to herself]

“Rose? Is something wrong? You… don’t like it?”

“No, no, Bismuth, it’s… it’s incredible.” The smile Rose turned on her was as beautiful as anything, but it wasn’t hard to notice it didn’t quite reach her eyes.