#eventually I always find my way back to
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In a perfect world where I get to write a Red Hood movie. It’d be tragic but aggressively,desperately, funny; Just like Jason.
It’d also be like across the spiderverse where something is hunting Jason across the multiverse because he’s abnormal. But instead of finding multiple different spidermen what he will find is that in every universe Jason Todd dies tragically young. This is the only one he comes back, and he adamantly doesn’t want to know why.
Because what’s a little torture? It’s good for character.
#Bruce is desperate to know why obviously#and then there’s *trauma*#eventually I always find my way back to#jason todd#me returning to my roots for real#dc needs to give me a chance I could make you fall in love with him#throwing thoughts to the void#batfam#batfamily#red hood#batman#comics#batman comics#red hood comics
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Why did Apollo favor the trojans in the Illiad?
So, dear Anon, I've been thinking about how to answer this question since I got it a couple days ago and I think I kind of want to make something clear before I get into it.
The Iliad by itself as a poem only covers some of the events that occur in the final year of a long protracted conflict that had been brewing for at least two decades and was an active war for ten. Within the space of the Iliad itself, the motivations and affairs of the major players are often referenced but there are many, many parts of the story that are not there because they belong to a different story cycle that has been since lost or was never recorded with words. In the space of the Iliad Apollo's motivations are questioned a lot - his pride is questioned by Poseidon who thinks Apollo should be just as angry at the Trojans as he considering Apollo was treated equally as poorly by Laomedon while they worked together. His honour is questioned by Hera who chastises him for taking the Trojans' side when he'd proclaimed that Achilles would live a long life and prosper at Thetis and Peleus' wedding. His own sister calls him a coward for refusing to fight when Zeus gives permission for the gods to go wild on the battlefield. For all that there's this image of Apollo in the Iliad as some staunch and unwavering protector of the Trojans, believe it or not, I largely think of Apollo as neutral in the war.
Which, I suppose, comes back to the question - why did Apollo favour the Trojans? The truthful answer is that I don't know. The Iliad and all its connected stories isn't something I've done enough research on to have an answer or a reference to an answer off the top of my head. The reasoning I'm aware of is that Apollo was a Patron God of Troy and really a god doesn't need any reason besides that to protect his people but it's not like Apollo abandoned the Greeks either. Calchas is the biggest example of that I can point to - descended directly from a priest of Apollo and one who attributed his mantic power to the god, Calchas was pivotal in ensuring the Greeks even got to Troy in the first place.
From a personal perspective however, I think Apollo was more dedicated to the house of Priam than he was the city of Troy itself. Apollo's affection for that house and all its members ran deep - from his admiration of Hecuba and Hector to his love and attempted courtship of Cassandra to his blessings given to Helenus, Deiphobos, Cassandra, Troilus and even his partnership with Paris - Apollo loved the house of Priam. When you think about the times Apollo lashes out against the Greeks, it's generally because they've done some nonsense to earn his ire. The plague was caused by Agamemnon disrespecting his priest, his aid in the slaughter of Patroclus was because he didn't respect him, his minor grudge against Diomedes too was because he tried to test Apollo's mettle and well, the less said about Achilles the better. Apart from his obvious favouring of Hector in the skirmishes, Apollo doesn't really oppose the Greeks. He has a ton of reasons to by the time the Iliad rolls around, including avenging the death of two of his sons, but he remains mostly satisfied with conducting his father's business and overseeing the war from a somewhat professional perspective. To me, it's always been less about Apollo caring about the fate of Troy as a city itself and more about him just really wanting to protect the people in the city that he's come to love and respect.
Of course, I encourage you to take my words with a big tablespoon of salt - like I said, I don't really know enough about the facts in particular to give a solid, confident answer but I can give you my interpretation of it. Maybe consult someone like @littlesparklight for a more comprehensive and grounded response 🤔
#ginger answers asks#Thank you so much for the question even if my answer was somewhat lacking lmao#For the record btw Apollo doesn't stay mad at Diomedes forever either - he pretty much drops it after the Funeral Games#and helps him get rid of the cursed ass Palladium when he goes to consult an oracle about it lmao#Apollo just generally doesn't fuck with people who have too much hubris for their own good#Like he r e a l l y hates that#But Apollo more or less went wherever he was called and did whatever needed to be done#to keep the war flowing and progressing the way it should#I always find his lack of retaliation against Achilles to be a point of extreme interest#Yes he eventually aids in Achilles death together with Paris but Apollo refrained from getting vengeance against him for years#Depictions of Apollo being held back when Achilles assaults and kills Troilus always ALWAYS intrigue me#And it's always what I think about when I hear people talk about Apollo hating the Greeks or favouring the Trojans#Apollo didn't have any beef with his family at that time and he certainly didn't care enough about any particular human to go against his#family - he says so himself when Poseidon is goading him to fight and yet I cannot help but think about how he kills Neoptolemus#Interesting man indeed#apollo#the iliad
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kinda wild to me that one of the most compelling aspects of both Chuuya and Kunikida's characters to me, that I never really see talked about, is how they're heavily set on a doomed crash course towards complete and utter destruction, and how I am so, so worried for them both.....
#bungou stray dogs#been thinking a lot about chuuya lately (shocking for me i know (said with no sarcasm truly lmao it is rare for me))#cause of the 15 manga and also playing the fucking jeht quest in genshin impact ugh (where's the one dual genshin bsd fan who Understands)#but like this pressure has been building up for chuuya for so long due to being used and manipulated by all these people#first the sheep then mori then verlaine then still mori now#he was groomed since childhood just like dazai#but unlike dazai he didn't have an oda to help him get out of the mafia........ he's still stuck there#and his personality is different from dazai's. dazai was more self-aware imo (but still a groomed emotionally abused kid don't get me wrong#but chuuya's whole thing is needing to belong and wanting a leader to be loyal to but ending up in positions of leadership himself#which makes him feel pressured but he accepts and stifles any negative feelings just because he wants to belong#and all this crushed him with the events in the light novels and yeah he went through character growth but he's...... Still In The Mafia...#and that fucking scene asagiri added to the cannibalism stage play i don't think hardly anyone even knows about bc IT'S NOT DISCUSSED ANYMO#where mori emotionally manipulates him with the flags!!! and it deeply hurts him!!! and he presumably deals with that shit all the time!!!#it is WORRISOME. it WORRIES ME okay.#chuuya doesn't have anyone who can save him from the mafia (dazai is in no position to okay; it's all he can do just to try to save himself#and it's so so scary. it spells awful things for him.#didn't asagiri say he'd have a rough path or something??? and he added that fucking scene in the play!!! it haunts me!!#i fully expected this shit to hit a turning point in the meursault arc but we can't have nice things i guess#and as for kunikida a;lskdfl (took me this long to get to him oop) literally the ending of Entrance Exam (the novel) is just#One Big Foreshadowing for Kunikida's downfall#he's compared to the azure king for a reason. Sasaki saw the azure king in him for a reason. it's fucking worrying!!!!!#there hasn't really been anything like that since in the manga (just like for chuuya lol ugh) but he's TERRIBLE at coping with his trauma#and it only gets more apparent once shit hit the fan in the doa/hunting dogs/meursault arc#it's not good!!! i'm worried for kunikida too!!!!#even if the manga isn't focusing on this these worries are always in the back of my mind man#both kunikida and chuuya are doomed to hit some kind of breaking point eventually and i await those moments with dread yet anticipation#i want dazai to be able to save kunikida from the despair being too good a person brings the way he couldn't save oda#and chuuya.... if we get a scene with him & mori mirroring the one in dark era where dazai finds out that mori orchestrated the kids' death#oh man i think i'll fucking die (give it to me i need to cry)
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Can you make a tutorial on how you world build and make ocs? I can't seem to make any people in my brain, but then when I try to come up with environments jobs, beliefs and little details to slowly come up with someone, I think: well I don't really know how people have influenced the world- it's a weird loop
To be honest, I don't think I can! Writing is an extremely personal process. The way I write is directly related to how I process things, what I find important in stories, years of my own analysis of my and other's writing, etc... The way you write will be unique to you, as well. But I can explain how I personally think of it.
The short answer:
Write. Write anything and everything, it's a tool to explore your ideas. Analyze your own writing, and write more. Then, as you discover which ideas you want to develop, write more to explore them more. You won't know what you want otherwise!
The long answer:
I think this kind of loop is common. It's easy to feel like everything needs to be done "at once," because our job as writers is to make elements logically fit with each other for our readers. But as you've discovered, developing multiple elements simultaneously isn't really possible, or at least is extremely difficult.
Personally, when I think of writing, I break it into three major elements; characters, world, and plot. As much as possible every scene explores one or more of these, and as much as possible these three things tie back into what I personally consider most important: theme.
Everything I do is in service of the themes I want to present. Without them my events feel aimless. It can take a while to discover them, but they're the core of my work. You will have to discover what you feel is the core of yours. Analyzing other media helps with this too.
Concepts in your brain exist in a state of infinite potential. But when you start writing you have to start making choices, which removes potential as you move forward... But you have to move forward anyways. If there's ideas you want to explore later, you can always explore them later.
What this ends up meaning, to answer your question, is that I don't think of my characters as "people in my brain" or my worlds as something people have influenced... Not at their core, at least. They are tools that I use to represent specific ideas. Obviously they're also my blorbos, but mostly they're serving a specific narrative purpose.
So above all else... Write. Write, and discover what you're writing about, and then start over and write with that in mind. Keep doing this. But you have to write!
#I wish there were a cleaner answer to this kind of thing#and I also wish that there were a way to answer that didnt feel like 'just do it lol'#but... genuinely you kind of just have to do it!#I find it helps to reframe writing as trying to figure out which ideas I don't like#then if I write anything that feels bad to me#it's not about being a bad writer or anything like that. it's just something I dont want in my story and I delete it.#like if you find yourself naturally coming up with worldbuilding elements. its okay to just start there!#you can start like 'I really want giant mushrooms' and then start thinking about how cool that would be#and like oooh what if there were really cool caves full of mushrooms and all glowy yeaaah#then you start building people from that. colonies of fungal people or something. this is still worldbuilding#then you might think now. whats a plot that could go with this and show off my cool mushrooms.#maybe the mushrooms are all connected and the main one is dying and no one knows why. it's a classic plot.#if you still dont feel like you can find a character in that. keep going! why is it dying? how can it be saved? can it? if not then why?#etc etc etc. when I am writing I actually ltierally write out 101 questions like this as I'm going and then I answer them#and if I cant answer them. then I figure out a different situation that doesnt bring that question up LMFAO#eventually you can decide you want a hero who idfk will replace the big mushroom or something. a sacrifice and immortality simultaneously#then you can be like yeah so my themes are probably about sacrifice. connection to others. love for your community. stuff like that#and then you can go back to your world and say. yeah I think that people should have telepathic communication on some level!#I'm just making all this up right now but I just want to illustrate somehow how this kind of cyclical process can actually be a tool#because it's not about getting it all right at once. its about leaning into the cycle and how it guides you through developing these#anyways idk if this makes any sense. if this doesnt feel like it works for you then it probably literally doesnt#but writing more and analyzing writing more is ALWAYS good#it will never make your writing worse to do those things.#unfortunately (said with all the love in the world) writing is an endless process of learning more about who you are and what you care abou#its wonderful but it's hard and theres no way to skip that process#good luck!#asks#anon#writing stuff#oh also if at any point you go hm. that big thing isnt working for me I think...
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there is some symbolism iv never considered in that one episod of pt5 where zenigata rescues fujiko before she kills lupin
#there are many timelines and variations in lupin as a serie so that every ship could work#in my own prefered timeline lupin finally gets the hint that fujiko plays him like a fiddle#to me she does like him but he is an instrument to her#she is cold hearted and calculating and always thinking about relationships in terms of profit#i got some ideas abt her background that justify this. essentially she kills the detective that is after her and with that kills#the soft part of her that she couldnt control before#eventually and despite his affection lupin gives up the objectifications and the desires he projects onto fujiko#whom uses his delusions like a master tbh#thus allowing himself to consider zenigata. he plays with zenigata the way fujiko plays with him#hes just not as calculating. he feels pity and remorse where fujiko doesnt#he finds the thrills and the doubts and the lack of trust and the risk of betrayal in zenigata. the things that he loves the most#he isnt about stability. he thrives in the unknown. he loves that zenigata could backstab him and does so sometimes#and in that lack of stabilty some form of stability builds up. there is familiarity#and most importantly there are rare times when they can put the game aside and just chill#just enough to gather the energy to go back to trying to kill each other#plus zenigata pampers him during those breaks and he loves that#he acts with carelessness but he does care. in that regard he looses to fujiko#at least thats how she sees it. he doesnt see caring as a flaw#and zenigata is so sweet. he really is. and lupin loves to stirr up the crazy in him#fucking loonies the both of them#so in essence zenigata doesnt really 'save' him from fujiko but he becomes lupins new favourite toy to throw around#fujiko is only upset that because of that ugly looser of a detective her grip on lupin is loosening#she does find ways to use that newly developed affection luzeni has to her advantage thou#lupin is still her instrument she just drags zenigata along now#fujiko is such a good and interesting character and deserves so much better honestly#despite my love for TWCFM i wish there was another serie centralized around her where her ruthlessness is examined#and her cunning is studied. and the proper law enforcement she should face the same way lupin does#shes like a million times smarter and more ressourceful than him. steals much more. embezzles. manipulate#lupin is just a small time pickpocket next to her. she isnt about stealing a painting shes about emptying the pockets of the richest men in#the world. her goals are much more ambitious
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Marketing is in many ways the biggest translation of my skills and interests to a job that actually makes money. However I hate corporations and advertising is a blight upon the world and I spend my days at best making the CEO rich while contributing nothing else to society
#like there are a lot of ways to frame what I’m doing in an ok light..#one of the reasons I like b2b is even tho it’s dull it’s not invasive to people’s personal lives#and at its best I’m making people who would benefit from a product or service know about them and can find them#and in b2b like ideally. helping other people do well enough that they don’t have to lose their jobs#but in practice? some of that if you cling to it but the end all is always how much money can the ceo take home#idk maybe I would feel different if I switched to nonprofit eventually???#I applied for some of that in my last job search but never heard back#I never even meant to work in marketing I just ended up here and don’t really see another path forward where I can stay financially secure#which is sooooo rare now I don’t want to take that for granted
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something i enjoy about suits is that these mike and harvey are literally drawn to each other because they both love a good adrenaline rush. like, mike was the one who talked harvey into giving him a job despite having zero qualifications other than his insane memory, and yet harvey already had at least 75% made up when he shook mike's hand. harvey talks about how life is like this and he likes living like this, and mike talks about how he got kicked out of a life that he's been chasing ever since. they're both scrambling after some kind of insane life and mike will say that he wants to help people (and he does! i think he really does!), but he's also the insane guy who tells himself he's helping people by also lying his way into the system in the first place. he's a guy who likes to bend the rules to get at his larger goals, and harvey's the guy who sees most rules as gentle suggestions more than anything else, so long as he just wins. they're both insane! they feed into each other's insanity! mike can play coy and pretend he'll leave harvey eventually, but then harvey wheedles his way back into mike's life with another offer or plan or suggestion and mike will go "no, harvey, i like my peaceful life right now" and then an episode later be like "nvm. what are we doing now". i'm sick to the stomach because they're literally always going to be like this. they aren't escaping each other because they recognize each other for the insane high they both want. they're literally obsessed with each other
#caroline talks#suits#SICK TO MY STOMACH . . .. SICK TO MY STOMACH!!!!#i've been spoiled about the ending of suits but i keep thinking about patrick adams#saying that mike and harvey are always going to find a way back to each other.#and in my heart of hearts i think that it doesn't necessarily even have to be romantic (even though patrick said that they're a love story)#but like . .. . mike and harvey are bound. they understand each other!!! there is something so wrong with BOTH OF THEM#whatever. an addictive relationship or something#thinking about like. twelve and clara in the whole 'they're both kind of insane and it'll take the literal end of the world for them to cal#it all off.'#thinking about butcher and hughie in the boys where like. hughie leaves for a government job#and butcher's SO bitter and eventually talks hughie back in.#and it's. a very similar vibe.#mike leaves to become. a fuckign investment banker and harvey's just like. mopey about it#and cue mike going 'oh my god i can't believe it. YOU'RE STILL UPSET WITH ME ABOUT LEAVING' and harvey's just '>:((((((('#and then harvey winds up talking mike back into the firm anyways#like. oh please. they're both obsessed with the kind of high that comes from being around each other#and you wanna tell me they're not going to be obsessed with each other for the rest of their lives? PLEASE
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I'm in one of those weird creative ruts where I have an idea, and some threads of what could happen, but I have no idea how to start it
#i could take a thread and write a scene that takes place anywhere in the plot#but i normally do bits like that as a bit of stretching excercise#to warm up or take a break from the main body#rarely if ever do they actually contribute to anything#in this case kick starting it#im a start to finish beginning to end fly by my pants writer#i get an idea start walking with it and eventually head into a full on sprint#twenty to thirty chapters later i slow down to a crawl and collapse#and i pick it back up later#because i always go back#even if it takes literal years#for a good few months that story is half of what i am#but anyway#i can't quite find the way to the starting gate for this#one#i see it#but the path is all foggy#I also see a few barbed wire fields and a couple of mazes and a pond on the track from where I'm standing#i digress#im grasping at air right now
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household enemy to the yyh watchthrough number one is the olympics. it's taken us a week to get two episodes into the gamemaster fight
#out of three. please the third episode's what makes it okay im fighting for my life out here#it is NOT for lack of trying on my part but theres only a brief window of time when the olympics is not happening#and as it turns out the watchthrough is Not my mom's first priority (how dare she etc)#i do feel slightly bitter that we've gotten through two eps of band o brothers in the same time#we are fighting for the same timeslots yet somehow the hour long show's gotten a leg up??#you don't have time for a 23 min ep but DO for a 60 min one?? explain the math to me please#idk how to explain the vague feeling of betrayal bc it Does Not make sense Nor matter in the slightest#but cmonnnn we were doing so well. and my little bro's starting up school again soon and my dad's gotta go back to work#sometimes eventually (<- hes on medical leave) and my grandparents are coming over next week We're Losing Time Soon#ughhh if i'd known the olympics were happening (<- somehow completely oblivious to this) i'd have accounted for#my mom getting whisked away by the land of synchronized divers and shot putters and whatever the hell#happens in the summer olympics (<- only pays attention to winter olys)#bc that always happens. and *i* have to go back to school in Some Amount Of Time Im Too Scared To Check (p sure it's late aug though) and#when that happens i'll (hopefully) be stuck across town which means we won't be able to do it any time besides the weekends#and i don't wannaaaaa#i know this is the least important problem anyone's ever had like i get that i know but#it's important to me that they sit down and watch this with me. and watching it pull apart and being#the one who's easily the most invested it makes me look all desperate when i ask them for their time and they can't give it#we can only pull this off neatly in the summer and we were so close and now we're losing it right at the finish line#i don't want life to get in the way of this little bubble i've fought so hard to make y'know#and it's childish and embarrassing and whatever but i just want them to have fun with me with this thing i care about a lot#but i can't do that bc my mom needs to watch the judo matches at Every weight class#even though she's recording a lot of them? i don't understand but whatever i know it's her thing im just moping about it ig#i want it to be as perfect an experience for them as possible and it's slipping away from me#and i don't wanna leave this project unfinished when i start school y'know. sighh#i think they might feel like i only want them around when we're watching stuff. whcih is weird bc that's like#The Singular Way we family bonded literally my whole life so idk why they wouldn't get that when reversed#but either way that IS how i wanna spend time with them. i want them to understand this thing that's become a part of me#and i wanna talk With them about it. and so far it's been fun in a way it's never been before. my mom at least seems to really like it#and i want it to Keep going well bc if we lose momentum im worried they'll start finding it tedious. sighh
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random vent(?) in the tags, feel free to ignore i just have a lot of pent up emotions to get out today apparently
#mar.txt#it's weird being aro(?) and yet also longing for a relationship. maybe its just bc almost all of my friends are in one#maybe it's bc of how easily jealous i get#maybe its the fact that i'm constantly being reminded that i am nobody's most important person. there's always someone more important.#maybe it's just the all-consuming,gaping hole of loneliness within me#idk.#i don't even know if i AM actually aro or if i'm just so demi that i may as well be aro or if ive just had so many bad experiences that it#feels impossible for me to feel romantic attraction#a few of my ocs (shara and the alatreon) are how i think i'd describe myself; aro,but willing to be in a relationship provided the other#person isn't bothered by them being aro,bc they have their own equivalent to romantic feelings#i know i'll never have one though. for all my confidence and whatnot i still very much am insecure about my own loveability. because the#only thing life has shown me is that i very much am not loveable. all the way back in first grade ppl were already using me instead of#actually caring#'dating' me to make someone else jealous. so they could have a drug buddie. a fuck buddie. so they could try to manipulate me into things#because i was a young teenager desperate for validation and to feel like i mattered and belonged and they were nearly adults who knew they#could exploit that. i'm surprised i never had anything happen to me beyond being pressured into trying chew tobacco (awful and disgusting)#and doing it every time i was around my 'boyfriend' and his friends#the only two genuine relationships i had didn't last either; one lost feelings after three years and the other just sorta stopped talking to#me and iirc eventually picked up a boyfriend that was actually local instead of long distance#i am not worthy of love. i will never be loved in the way that my friends are. hell i won't ever even find a qpp(?). and that makes me sad.#to know i will always be alone. that i'm destined to die alone. but it is what it is i guess. i just wish it didn't bother me so much.#i wish i could be content in my loneliness and not be jealous of everyone around me. i wish i could accept that i will never be anybody's#most important person. that the only person i can or will ever be the most important to is myself. self love,yeah? ha.#maybe 2024 will have something in store for me. god i hope it does. but i doubt it will. more of my friends will get into relationships,#those already in them will stay in them and/or take a step forward in their relationship. and i will remain alone. just as i always have.#anyways. sorry vent over i'm just. ugh. upset today. emotions are stupid and i want a refund on them. i did not ask to be saddled with the#burden of feeling such intense,suffocating displacement and loneliness. i did not ask to feel these negative emotions so strongly.#i just want to be someone's most important person. i just want to matter.
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#sometimes i find the degree to which i cannot concentrate very alarming#like bro i canno read. i have so much to do but i wanna sleep forever#i just have to get up and go somewhere else. normally id go transfer algae or run but im stuck inside and .y fingers r all cold#usually its just in the morning that I get thr high distress so its prob the meds#but yesterday was kinda fucked. ugh.i just need to run around but i cant#i have such a sinister combo of: brain stops me from being able to b productive and if im not productive i am compelled to do horrible#things. mood issues and 0cd is horrible. horrible feedback loop#i just wish i could breathe. itll b fine. eventually itll b summer again and itll b fine#its like someone's squeezing my throat. like im sick but i kno its just that im anxious#i was doing so well the past few days in terms of reading and productivity despite the distress#and im trying to b kind and roll with the punches but its so hard#like i kno i need to relax and not resist bc resistance makes it worse but it's just hard and im worried this is how itll always b#i wish i could go back on lamicta1. i felt way better on low dose of that then i do on low dose of abi1ify. its so hard to stay on this#just bc of how my head works. and like things were complicated with the lamicta1. maybe i wouldnt habe had a reaction if i didnt get a#tatto0 while upping the dose but now im marked as allergic so i prob wont b allowed to try any of thr anti convulsive type antidepressants#ugh. i hate this. its so frustrating#unrelated
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i need eddie to get another guy friend in season 8, and buck loses his shit about it (again), so he breaks up with t because he's convinced that the weird feeling he gets when he sees them together is because he is Really attracted to the new guy.
#like things with t are fine cuz he likes exploring this new side of himself even if t doesnt always match his energy but whatever its fun#and maybe at work chim is the one who brings up eddies new friend and he is immediately just. what new friend?#chim laughs and says. tbf last time eddie got a new friend you attacked him so you could date his friend. hes probably keeping it to himsel#and bucks like. dude what. that was. yeah it was shitty of me but it was a one time thing. i wont do it again...#and when eddie shows up for shift buck immediately asks about his new friend and eddie tells him about the guy without hesitation#after shift tho buck is like. why didnt you tell me about him? after t i get why you dont want to but im just. you dont have to worry man.#buck. i know. im not worried. anyway he and i are gonna head to a bar to catch the game. you want to come with? you can bring t if hes free#oh. thats. thatd be okay? i dont want to idk ruin the vibe by bringing a date#nah man. itll be fine#and so he and t go to the bar and eddies already inside with the new friend and its Fine. its Great actually because t gets along with eddi#and the new guy and the new guy makes eddie laugh and doesnt miss a beat and knows more about the teams record this season than buck and#buck is doing Fine. this guys smile is big and his eyes are bright and when he laughs he sorta leans into eddies space alittle and its Fine#the night ends and buck and t go back to his apartment and buck cant stop thinking about that guys hand when it clapped down on eddies#shoulder or the look on his face as he teased eddie about the beer he drinks (cuz its kinda bad but only buck can say that) and buck Cant.#he wants that guy. he wants his hands and grin and teasing voice all to himself and not on eddie.#so he breaks up with t and ts confused af cuz i thought things were going good?#yeah. i just. i want to explore my options yk now that ive uh figured out i like men.#and its a clean break. not dramatic or messy. t tells him to call if he every changes his mind. buck wont.#bucks trying to not pry about eddies new friend and he doesnt grill eddie or anyone and just waits and listens to all the new info he gains#and eventually eddie invites him out to watch another game because whatever team they were watching made it to the playoffs#and when he gets there eddies like. no t tonight?#nah we. uh. we broke up.#eddie says sorry man that sucks. and the new guy is like. honestly he didnt even seem that into you which what an idiot. youre great.#and its good because the new guy splits his attention between the two of them now. eddie isnt the only one getting hands and grins and eyes#and the third time theyre at the bar the guy follows him to bathroom and kisses him hard against the door before pulling back with a#panicked sorry and leaving and when buck finds eddie after hes like. what happened? new guy ran out of here without even saying goodbye#he kissed me in the bathroom. i think uh. i think he was kinda freaking out about it and thats why he left.#and eddie just blinks at him before being like. buck. buck you said you werent going to do this again.#i didnt mean to! and buck means it. he just saw the way that guy made eddie laugh and put his hands on eddie and had eddies attention and#oh.
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at times i feel like i’m finally alright, the light of the sun shining through clouds, the calmness around me, the singing of the birds, but then the loneliness catches up to me and i am washed over by sadness once again.
#i’m not sure what i can do to stop feeling this way. maybe i do need to go back on medication#it often feels like my default emotion is sadness or depression. whatever i do i always find my way back there.#obviously being depressed all my life is not just gonna magically go away.#but it’s so tiring putting all this work in to be alright but eventually defaulting back into depression.#i feel no self worth either. often times i feel like a burden… the queer trans child. the one who needed therapy and medication.#the one who’s picky with their food. the one who has an eating disorder. the one who’s existence doesn’t matter much beyond… existing.#maybe existing to serve. but just existing. easily replaceable. i offer no value in anyone’s life.#my parents travelling and my siblings being at work while i’m alone is really getting to me i think#personal#cashew talks
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Unfortunately relatable. I grew up in the church and have a lot of Christian trauma from that. I show up for special occasions for my parents… sometimes. But it’s uncomfortable from the moment I step through the door. Bigoted pastor, the self-righteousness disguising the prejudice, the political comments from the altar. Shots at young people left right and center as if the hell on earth wasn’t caused by the same older generation 90% of the congregation belongs to..
I miss being young in the choir and the youth groups and not struggling with it. It’s wild to look back at the younger version of me who was unshakeable in his faith and honestly just saddening.
I was texting my sister today about it and she said
“I 100% think ALL of us have a ton of religious trauma and everyone else in the family just doesn’t realize it cause they’re still drinking the kool-aid.”
I ran out of tag room and didn’t want to delete any 😭 seriously not lying I could write a book about all my thoughts and experiences
#I relate to all of this so much#and it’s so sad how many people truly have religious trauma#I still find myself lucky and privileged cause I know there are stories MUCH worse than mine#it’s really hard cause my parents still think I’m a Christian#honestly at this point I have no clue what i am#even if I end up still being a Christian that doesn’t help or heal all of the years of church trauma#but the hard part is still acting the part for my parents#growing up I always tried to fit into the good Christian girl mold#cause I know that’s what my parents wanted and I didn’t want to disappoint them#but once I started smoking weed and they found out? it went all downhill from there#their perfect angel fell from heaven#and I feel like ever since I haven’t been really their daughter…. I’ve just been living on the outside looking in to everything#it hurts looking back at all the years I spent brainwashed into believing that was the ONLY faith#it genuinely makes me sick to my stomach thinking about the fact that I went to a pro life rally#the thing I was talking to my sister about was how mental health was never talked about in the church#when I started dealing with it and went to my parents or the pastors or any adult really and told them what I was dealing with#wanna know what the first thing they would ALWAYS say? well have you prayed about it? the way they treated mental illness was that it was#YOUR fault cause God is punishing you for something…. that you need to pray or go to church so then God will eventually take it away#and the thing is I don’t necessarily blame my parents (which kinda sucks cause I want to blame someone)#but honestly it’s just the environment they grew up in too… like I’m 99% sure my dad has dealt with depression his entire life#but won’t get diagnosed or anything cause they always believe faith has something to do with it#which makes me incredibly sad cause I just think about how much my dad has suffered and how he didn’t need to#^^ I was typing this out when I was late to my family gathering hahaha but then I think my sister called or something so I had to stop#sorry this post is all over the place - I swear I could write a book about religious trauma#yesterday went ok surprisingly but today? TODAY is going to be so much worse#sure I’ll make a post about it later but I guessssss I should go to bed now? it’s 2am and I have to get up at 5:45 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃#and I have a fuuuuull day of fun Christian festivities while I’m dealing with all of this bottled up and unresolved crap from my past#please don’t get me wrong I love my parents and like I said I don’t blame them - they did their best#it just really sucks wondering what my life would have been like if I didn’t grow up in the church or in a super religious family#I wonder if when I told my parents I was depressed if they would have instantly brought me in to get help
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BENJAMIN “DEX” POINDEXTER aka BULLSEYE therapy prop notes from Daredevil S3
#God i FUCKING LOVE THESE#GIVES YOU SO MUCH MORE INSIGHT INTO DEX AND HOW HE IS AS A PERSON#and it’s all so very bullseye#like he’s so observant? and he only sees the world in black and white? and he’s a fast learner????#LACK OF FILLER: how bullseye just says what he thinks he doesn’t care what others say#and the TWO SIDES?? THE THOUGHTLESS AND RASH PART IS BULLSEYE#HE NEVER MISSES??? LITERALLY BULLSEYE’S CATCHPHRASE#THE PART OF HIM THAT WOULD EVENTUALLY BECOME THIS CHARACTER WAS ALWAYS THERE#i passed out you can find me on the floor that is what this has done to me#magnificent right there#i orginally found this when i was still in school like a over a year ago and i almost cried because i couldn’t do anything else it was so#life changing i was so happy#and the fact that so much thought was put into his character is amazing#like we never saw these in the show but people still MADE THESE and did it so well#i can’t read cursive so when i found this a while back it was a struggle#also the white bg screenshot is from before the propstore website changed and now i can’t find this prop so this is all i got#i have been meaning to post these for a while btw#but i was too lazy to scroll all the way back through my camera roll lol#LMAOOO#benjamin poindexter#bullseye#daredevil
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It's sort of ironic how fans often link the leaf 🍁 to Dan Heng, considering "Feng" means "maple", but it's also so fitting
#The leaf following Dan Heng on his idle animation like the past identity he can't entirely leave behind because it always catches up to him#How the imagery appears on his splash art and his ultimate because it's irrevocably linked to who he is#even if in his trying to reclaim his right to be himself#The way he catches the leaf‚ looks at it thoughtfully and then lets it go...#I always loved his idle but after finding out the meaning I thought like I was being hit with a club#The fact that apparently according to some magazine he named himself after the 'Dan' engraved on Cloud Piercer is also very juicy#Because he chose himself to be linked to that past he is trying to break free from. It really enhances how the past is not something he is#negating entirely but something he wants to move on from. Likewise we see him try to get responsibility from his past and make things better#while he keeps reminding people he is himself and no one else#I've seen people read under romantic lens the fact that 'Dan' in engraved on the spear and that it marks how it's Dan Fen.g's#tied to the fact that Dan Feng too struggled with that reclamation of the self vs. giving up on himself entirely for a role#And it surprised me tbh. Romantic or platonic I didn't read it under that view at all maybe because I had read like in July#that the High Elders are named using the first character of their past ('Bai'‚ 'Dan'). I don't remember that appearing in canon explicitly#but it's a repeated pattern and back in the early Bail.u/Bai.heng theories it was something very often brought up#So my reading was that Yingxin.g was acting like a Furnace Master there#He had made a spear for the High Elder‚ and that role would transcend Dan Feng as a person and fall onto someone else eventually#As it does in some way onto Dan Heng now‚ to whom the spear responds#Yingxin.g the Furnace Master more than the friend had made a spear for the High Elder‚ and that role would transcend Dan Fen.g#I don't know... I've often read very sweet interpretations of this but the way I saw it I can't help but find it heartbreaking haha#Anyway I'm saying this because read this way his other idle animation‚ the one with the spear‚#also enhances the continuity of his self with Dan Fen.g's not just in personhood but in role#And considering Dan Heng's voiceline about Cloud Piercer is also a choice he makes even if the spear preceded him#So again a choice that is perhaps somewhat conditioned by the preexisting context but a choice he makes nonetheless#Like how he takes responsibility from his past but also decides to move on and reclaims his identity as something separate#Anyway... the Cloud Piercer thing is all theories for now. I don't think we know for sure if the continuity of the same first character#is something established in canon. Maybe it just happened these two times with Dan Heng and Bailu#because of the particularity of their cases#But I think it is coherent and that it would enhance this narrative motif or subject in Dan Hen.g's characterisation and arc#I find that concept of his very intriguing I hope it will be well developed in the future#As of now I find what they've done with it thus far a bit dull most of the time considering the potential it has
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