#even when it's agonizing LOL

[mariella-ending]

^this this THIS @axolotleo agree 1000%

Also it seems to me that everything the Narrator creates has a habit of quasi-gaining accidental in-universe sentience (i.e. the adventure line���️ coming back against the Narrator's wishes in confusion ending, the BUCKET in like half of bucket-related endings (....gambhorra'ta), Stanley's wife via the office phone calls, the copy machine begging for death, the remnants of the deleted coworkers via their messages on the white boards, one could even argue the game itself is slightly-sentient with 432 as its spokesperson begging the player to remain willingly trapped within its confines forever.) Maybe it comes about as a way to act out on his mega-repressed impulsive subconscious creativity his perfectionism analysis-paralysis and allegiance to the Perfect Story won't allow him to bring out on a conscious level? (That'd require a conscious choice after all and we know how he is with THAT lol #10,000tables) Whomst to say lol

I don't see why Stanley would be an explicit exception to this, him having been originally designed as an empty vessel for the player to experience the Narrator's story through (I personally don't think he has a shred of personhood in the og half life 2 mod, it was the first draft after all lol) but gaining sentience over time (perhaps as the Narrator became more comfortable/familiar with his character? Like when you make an OC and know how they are and act as people so well it writes itself? Something like that.)

The extent to his sentiency is up to the individuals interpretation (like everything else in this game🤪) but of course outside of the listed exceptions the player is 100% controlling his actions the whole time (the Narrator calls out the distinction between the player and Stanley.... when he can remember :( )

Every instance of Stanley characterization I've found so far (more to be added as i scrounge for more):

- Stanley doesn’t let go of the bucket when you are told to put it into the bucket destroyer when you try to. (Bucket Destroyer Ending)

- Stanley running off from the Narrator + outright defiance via either running or actively trying to leave (Release Date Trailer + Game Awards Trailer)

- Stanley responding directly to the Narrator via shaking his head no. (the Game Awards Trailer)

- Stanley looking at traveling sites in his free time. (the Game Awards Trailer)

- Any instance of Stanley’s attachment to the bucket (I think about The Escape Pod Ending w/ the bucket specifically for this)

- The notes page from the Indiebox Manual

- Stanley’s imagination coming to life after being left alone (the Infinite Hole Ending)

- Stanley walking through the desert to the memory zone (The Epilogue)

- The countdown ending dialogue where it implies that Stanley asks about his coworkers (The Countdown Ending)

- Stanley patting his leg while waiting for commands to come in (the Ultra Deluxe intro sequence) (he does kick his leg a bit in the 2013 intro sequence)

(I realize these are all a bit of a stretch but it’s fun to find and notice these)

[neodiekido]

i love the terrible cosmic irony of maki being able to open up and start forgiving herself and letting herself make friends as kaitos disease slowly progresses it's so awesome. like she's able to start chipping away at her self hatred and forming attachments to people again just in time for chapter 5 to pull the rug completely out from under her. i hate this game

[sundial-bee-scribbles]

meow〜

[willowser]

my bakugou thought of the day is: do you think he goes down without a fight ??

like in the event that he never manages to make his move on you for whatever reason and you meet and eventually become engaged to someone else, does he let you go ??? without ever saying anything ??? bc....idk !! i don't think he seems particularly like a homewrecker kind of guy, and i think he respects you enough to not question your life choices and if you're happy—he can live with that.

but if he really, truly believes he would be a better partner for you, does he keep it to himself ?? or give it one last shot before the wedding ??

[trashlie]

ILY FP 258

I can't believe we're actually passed episode 250 lmao I Love Yoo is truly the never ending story (affectionate). I appreciate how much of the story we really get to dig into at this pace and while I know a lot of people have long-since dropped it, I imagine the rest of us (those reading this post because why else are you here?) also appreciate it. And that's what is even more refreshing about this episode - if refreshing is even a word we can use to describe it. Getting the extra scenes from other characters, a look at their lives and from these glimpses, what we can glean in the unsaid between the lines.

Can you believe I used to prey on Kousuke's downfall? There's so many posts of me talking about him from a different view, believing that the only way he could grow and develop and make the changes necessary to make him a better person was for him to crash and burn, to fail so significantly that he would be forced to pen his eyes to reality. But here we are, me, fervently swaddling him up like a baby and shoving him into my pocket because GOD he needs to be protected.

I don't even remember when it was, that my view on him began to shift, when I went from "he's interesting but awful" to "GOD THIS IS MY SON AND I WILL FIGHT EVERYONE YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH ME" but.... lol there's no going back!

That's enough rambling, let's jump in.

There is something so painfully devastating about every time ILY confirms to us something we have long-since known or suspected through nuance, foreshadowing, reading between the lines, etc: That Kousuke isn't Rand's biological son, that Shinae was at the formal for Gun Kim, that Kousuke has been manipulated his whole life. Nothing in this episode regarding Kousuke is actually new to us. We have known, and talked about, for months and months long before the confirmation reveal that Yui drugs Kousuke - that he has been manipulated by her his entire life, that she orchestrated his life to manipulate him into situations she could take advantage of. It's the way she spoke about Rand's affair around Kousuke, the way she commodified Rand's love so Kousuke became convinced he'd never earned his father's love, the way she spoke of their family vs others and convinced him from such a young age that everyone was out to get them, to destroy them, and that he couldn't let them get close, couldn't let them near - and how Nol was very much a target planted in his mind.

But it's the fact that he is speaking of this and acknowledging it! Until now, Kousuke has heavily lived in denial. Again, we know this. We talk a lot about the chasm between reality and the reality he believes in. We talk a lot about how Kousuke couldn't face reality, even though on some level he knew everything he believed and was told was not quite true not quite real, but that he was so afraid of the truth, he couldn't do it. Kousuke admitting that he's been driven by fear and envy explains everything about him, and why he could not accept the only unwavering unconditional love he was offered.

A few weeks ago I saw a video on instagram of this father talking about a conversation he had with his daughter, who was feeling a little uncomfortable with her friend group. A new girl started to play with her and her best friend and she said she wasn't exactly jealous, but that maybe it was that she was afraid that there wasn't enough love to go around. Her dad had to explain to her that love is not like a pizza - it's not finite, a limited amount that could be taken and hogged by someone else. But Kousuke never learned this. His father's love was commodified and he was made to fear this other kid who he mistakenly believed knew a version of his father he'd never been privy to. He never learned that love is finite, that Rand could have enough love for the both of them, and feared that Nol would hog it all - that he WAS hogging it all because whether or not it was good or bad, Nol received more attention that Kousuke did. And that speaks VOLUMES about how Kousuke sees Rand, what he thinks of their relationship. In his mind, he is still unworthy, that he's not noteworthy enough.

This part gets to me so badly. We, as omniscient readers, know that Rand has tried his best, but that Yui runs a spectacular interference with which he can't compete, largely because of the roles their family have placed them in - Rand the busy businessman, Yui the mommy homemaker. But no matter how hard he tries, it isn't good enough. Rand tries to reach Kousuke, but the manipulation and paranoia are so far gone that the times Rand does have the chance to convey his feelings, Kousuke can't even believe it, because he thinks he's not good enough to deserve that love, that he hasn't fully qualified for it yet. And despite that, Nol, who Kousuke feels hasn't done half of what he has to deserve Rand's love, gets the attention. It doesn't matter that it's negative attention, that Rand barks at Nol, that Nol feels Rand hates and regrets him, because ultimately, it's still more than Kousuke receives. And worse, to him, every time Rand is busy reprimanding Nol, he turns away from Kousuke to do it.

I want to make it clear that this is a deep trauma point of Kousuke's. He's never learned healthy love and the only person who gave him healthy love was someone he was set to fear and fight. Something I think about a lot is the flashback to Kousuke, in the bushes, watching Nessa and Nol's display of warm affection, before Yui appears literally looming before him. In that moment, he witnesses something he's been deprived of. "We're not like other families"'. He's told from a young age he shouldn't compare himself to those healthy families, to warm and affectionate relationships that he will not cultivate in this household. From such a young age it is normalized, that they aren't like others, that they are cold and distant. From a young age, he's made to stuff down his feelings, his tender wants and desires, in order to earn them. To be a good little boy who makes his parents proud. To make his father look his way.

There's also something about the way he says "I've been a good boy" that echoes Shinae learning she's been manipulated by Yui, devastated and angry and yelling about how she's been a good girl so why do these things keep happening to her, all she wanted to do was help her dad. Two people who, from a young age, felt they had to be so obedient, so good, to not be a burden, and despite following the rules, despite doing as they were told, despite trying to be whatever version of "good" they believed in, the world still beat them up and mistreated them. The world still punished them.

As Rin in our discord server pointed out, though, to some degree, Kousuke is very much a person who can - and does - act out, when he's emotionally high-strung. He's a volatile man, and it's largely to do with the fact that he's been drugged to placate him for so long. He never learned emotional regulation, he never learned how to deal with high-stress situations or to face conflict or to own up to things. This is something that some readers who hate Kousuke and expect him to act a certain way because of his age are missing. You don't just learn these things with age. You learn them with experience and Kousuke was deprived of the opportunity TO have those experiences. He never had to learn these behaviors, and now as an adult he cannot function when overwhelmed.

Idk this whole episode is just heartbreaking. It's devastating. I remember when I was someone praying on Kousuke's downfall and now I want to take it all back ;___; I always believed he had to crash and burn to be able to see the world for what it really was and to face his fears, but this is somehow so much worse.

And even though he's drunk, I don't think he's going to forget all of this in the morning. Rather, I think what he's voicing are things that have been plaguing him since waking up in the hospital. From that moment, we saw him wary and distrustful of his mother, we saw his concern for Nol rising above everything else, but grappling with the understanding that he doesn't deserve to stand in front of Nol anymore. These aren't epiphanies coming to him just because he's drunk; it's more like he's only voicing them because he's drunk. But even when he sobers up, he will probably still be haunted by these fears, these agonies, these truths, this understanding.

How does he face his mother after this? How does he face anyone? He may not even feel like he can trust Jayce - who while very kind to him, is still employed by his family. He may not even feel like he can trust Hansuke (though I really hope that's not the case).

He's so miserable and it genuinely hurts to have him lay it all out for us - everything we've known and suspected, like how it was so painfully clear he WANTED Nol's friendship, their brotherhood, but feared it, didn't believe that there was enough love to go around, that there could only be one of them and that even if it was for good or bad reasons, Nol cast him in the shadow. And all these years, watching as Nol, as Yeonggi, grew into this person who sounded so very much like this unknown version of their father, someone funny who makes others laugh, someone goofy, someone so boyish in the ways Kousuke was never allowed to be. Watching as he gathers friends, while Kousuke, so unlikeable, is wanted only for his money, for his status, for the clout.

He doesn't even know WHO HE IS! Questioning his own traits he's believed of himself, wondering if this is even him, if these parts of him are real or does he just act it, say it, pretend it, while trying to fulfill a role he was shoved into. That makes me feel SO deeply sad, because it's something I've been anticipating for so long: Kousuke wondering WHO he really is, how much of him is real and how much of it is the result of manipulation.

And that moment that he catches himself and says no no that's offensive and rude you can't be like that. ;AAA;

For him to admit how much he envies others, how much he craves the kind of connection others have, the kind of family others have, to feel that love and warmth that he's been deprived of, forced to endure this solitude because, as he believes, he didn't get the good parts of Rand. And what will happen when he learns that Rand isn't his father? That he never stood a chance to inherit any of those traits. Kousuke has operated on this belief that, if he tries hard enough, he can earn the things he craves, but I fear learning about his parenthood will make him think that no matter how hard he tried, he would never earn that, because none of it was ever him, could have gone to him.

I think this is where Shinae, in the future, will come in. I feel so very strongly that she will be someone who helps Kousuke to see that this isn't true, that these kinds of personality traits aren't something inherited, but rather something learned. For him to one day realize it's the paralyzing fear that holds him back, not his genetics. Of course, I acknowledge this will still take a lot of therapy but...

Something else very remarkable to me is the way Kousuke recognizes Shinae in Shinhye, because their eyes "feel the same" and he opens up to her - on some level, whether or not he is consciously aware of it, Kousuke knows, or maybe just wants to, that he can trust Shinae. That she is someone who is safe. He even knows how she feels about his mother. I don't think we'll see a lot of Kousuke and Shinae's friendship until we're passed our timeskips, but it makes me feel a little hopeful about it, that she'll be able to reach him, because she feels like someone who is safe. It's the way he sees Nol in her and wants to try to have that do over, a relationship with someone who  has unconditional love for him. It's the way he knows he mistreated Nol, that it was wrong, that he took it all out on this kid he was so afraid of because he had no other outlet, and he wants to do better but knows that there's nothing to salvage anymore.

But also, it just makes me hope more and more that in the future we WILL see a reconciliation between the brothers. As I say every time, it doesn't mean they have to become brothers or friends, but I just want them to see each other fully. Kousuke knows what he did to Nol. He doesn't deny it, even if he might not say it out loud unless he's drunk. But Nol is still so in the dark. Yujing is trying to tip him off and make him aware of it, but I hope one day when Nol realizes it, when he finds out that Kousuke, too, was Yui's victim, that he wasn't the only one, that Kousuke was made to fear Nol's love, he might.... understand. I'm saying understand here loosely because I don't want people to get the idea that I mean Nol will forgive him and Kousuke will be justified, but rather that Nol would be able to understand why Kousuke felt that way, and move on. But I can't help but hope that it will lead to an understanding, a reconciliation, where maybe they can try to be in each other's lives.

I think it's also interesting that Shinhye was somewhat honest, even if she wasn't very forthcoming, with Kousuke about her own family. It sounds like her mother has been gone for a long time, that she's been on her own the whole while, and I think it reinforces the idea that she believes both that Simhan is her father and that he rejected her, that he didn't want anything to do with her. It lines up, too, with how she feels that he wouldn't react well if he saw her (although I think she credited that to looking like their mother). In the same way that Shinae has felt abandoned and cast aside by their mother, Shinhye probably thinks their father never tried reach out, to find them, to maintain a relationship with her. Or perhaps it's that her mother fed her lies about him, made her believe him a different type of man, made her believe there would never be anything of their relationship to salvage. And given that she's the one who Kousuke opened to, it makes me think that there must be some kind of parallel there; the way she mentioned her own mother feels like maybe her mother, too, was a manipulative - or at the very least, dishonest - person.

I don't speculate a lot on Shinhye because frankly I don't think I know enough about her to really try to talk about her, but I do think that it's very likely there's some kind of connection between Shinhye and the Hirahras or Gun. To be clear, I don't believe she's working with Yui at all. I think it's more like... Alyssa isn't the only girl who has been trafficked by Gun. What's the likelihood that Shinae and Shinhye's mother was? Given her history, the gambling addiction that was so egregious her reputation haunted Shinae and chased her to a new neighborhood and school, was she seeking money somewhere else, somewhere more dangerous? Is that part of why they had to change their name? There's so many questions left about them, and I look forward to learning more about her, but, much like with Alyssa, I think it will take time and be dropped in little tidbits like this - things to read into and try to glean something from.

And maybe we'll see more of this duo in the future? It would feel a little weird to give them this one single run in, but I'm not entirely sure. Quimchee likes to keep us on our toes. After all, Minhyuk and Shinhye have also had only the one run in. Still, I think it would be interesting to watch, if Shinhye ever felt.... I want to say maybe compelled? to dig in more to Kousuke, ever feel a kind of kinship. I don't think she'll open up to him at all, but rather, maybe she'd keep going back because a. he's wealthy and there's more she can nick from him (assuming he doesn't realize she stole anything while in his apartment, if he even remembers any of this) and b. wanting to gather more intel.

Like I said though, she's hard to read so I don't want to cling too hard to any ideas and, instead, sit back and enjoy the show.

[pkmoth]

having swap au thoughts. *slaps roof of claus* there's so much mental illness in this guy. im gonna blow up everyone in the room and then myself

[edwardwonghaupepelutivrusky4th]

technically if it's not simmered in the champagne region of france it's a sparkling best boy friend

[bmpmp3]

its interesting as someone who used to be a bit closer to the very online capital A "Art Community" but is now a little more outside of it and focused on local art academia etc instead because the former always compliments me on "art style" and the latter always compliments me on the supposedly bizarre subject matter choices i make... its not bad its just interesting to see those two bubbles and how surprisingly separated they can be. unfortunately for them both, my art style is only Like This because i have a learning disability that slightly colours every line i draw and the unusual compositional choices like only drawing one eye and shit is because i was on deviantart in 2009 <3

[turqu01s3]

William Afton’s religious trauma is my Roman Empire. He believes in Hell and that he’s going to it. I’m sure part of why he was able to survive being springlocked was his anger but his fear of Hell was probably a pretty big part of how his agony was able to infuse with remnant

[weirdfishy]

im so sorry to the person who told me i "looked familiar" im dense

[marimbles]

i miss being in my tmsidk era. what was i on back then. where did that girl go. come back ho why would you abandon me like this

[good-wine-and-cheese]

I think I just need to accept that when I write a story it is, at minimum, going to be like 40 or 50k

[istherewifiinhell]

First reprimand for shitty customer service <3. Well first one that wasnt just just my boss laughing and saying a local famous person accused me of stealing their wallet [left it on a shelf].

[wishingprince]

I keep thinking about how like… I used to read so often. And write. And draw. And how the last several months I’ve felt so disconnected and dissociated from everything it feels like a walking dream. Like I don’t feel like I’m present and participating with the decisions I’m making daily. Ugh.

Feeling a little hopeful that I finally set aside a date to start working on shit. Ugh ugh.

[indelen]

This is a great gift for anyone who thinks way too much about how the Lockwood and Co. kids will age into adults, thankyou!

[id: two images of portraits and full body sketches of Lockwood and Co book trio with their mid-teens and early twenties designs next to each other. older Lucy has shoulder length hair, in full body sketch she's wearing a wide-neck sweater with t-shirt underneath, skirt, leggings and boots. older George has shorter hair and a short beard, he's wearing the same round glasses; he's wearing a t-shirt that says "what's more punk than the public library", cargo jeans and sneakers. older Lockwood has sharper features and slightly longer less kept wavy hair. he's dressed casually in jumper, trousers and shoes./end id]

older l&co sketches + george is wearing this shirt

[id from alt text:

same older lockwood portrait but he's wearing glasses. next to him is a comic: Holly, looking delighted, asks "how was the case?" to which equally battered Lucy and George respond "i think Lockwood is losing his Sight", "i think he just needs prescription glasses". in the back on the floor Lockwood is laying face down.

two drawings side by side of Lucy with skull in the jar, top text reads, "bffs across the years". on the left Lucy leans on it and smiles, their ages written near them as 15 and 150. on the right Lucy puts bunny ears at the jar, cobweb around it and a vase with yarrows. there's a plate that reads"RIP", Lucy and skull's age being 25 and 160./end id]

[unma]

I wonder if my ever growing love for writing couples cuddling and being intimate has something to do with the fact that I too would love to be held lovingly and reassured that the person I love loves me.

Or maybe it isn't. I've done enough of ignoring my inner feelings on things, so why stop now?