#even when it is folks i am not really in touch with or wasn't close with it is just. really exciting to see people thrive

[pip-pippin]

truly & genuinely there is nothing more heartening and thrilling than stumbling across a person i knew in the past and discovering that they, too, are trans and Making It

[naok-iyuu]

When the sun falls - Zed Necrodopolis x Reader

I am so sad one of my biggest comfort character doesn't have much fanfiction to honor him, so I'll try to work myself to fufill my desire and make some of you guys happy ! I am quite not satisfied with what I did, but I've spend so much time on it that it must be published now. (and why are the dialogue with the childhood friend better written than the actual overall fic???) Please do not hesitate to leave prompts or ideas you could have for future fanfictions, I'll gladly read them and write !

English is not my native language, I appologies for any grammar or other mistakes ! Don't hesitate to tell me for future work. Idea from Creative Writing Prompts My Masterlist

No warnings, just highschoolers being highschoolers.

Word count : 2.6k

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-. It was when the sun made his smile a little bit brighter that you realised, Zed Necrodopolis was indeed making your heart beat faster.

_

You had taken the habbit of spending time near the football field when school's days were over, not wanting to go home the second the bell rung. Your childhood friend being a player in the seabrook team made it easier to find an excuse as why you were always near the team of shrimps. It became usual for the group of boys to see you, always sitting on the highest bleacher, reading a book or scrolling on your phone when words were too much to bear after a full day of eyeing them on the school board.

Maybe, you sometimes left your eyes wander, watching the jocks run all over the field, tossing balls, and screaming excitedly at each others. It was funny at times, even when you were secretly praying that one of those balls would never have the secret need to kiss your face.

Today wasn't the day you would get hit by a ball, but it was the day your eyes decided that a green haired boy was more interesting than your romance book about a super-hero and the girl he'll never have. Zed was the kind of guy that was easy to get along with. You both weren't close friends strictly speaking, but James, your childhood friend, made it easier to speak to the zombie. Conversations flowed safely when you two spoke, even when James was between you two, trying to feed conversations, hoping he'll get the two of you to become besties and hang out more with him. He was an optimist, something that really brought light to your life since a young age.

Your head was resting on your backpack, your body fully lying on the bleacher seating as the few last minutes of practice were almost over. Your hand hanging down was careful not to touch the ground, there was no way your skin was going to touch something long forgotten by a dirty student. Your eyes attentively followed Zed's green hair like he was the only guy you knew amongs the teenagers. Surely because he was the most noticeable, you had told yourself. Sometimes it hits you, why Zed was so popular amongs the folks in Seabrook. He was the first zombie who got his kind accepted by the humans, he was a good football captain and player. And now that his relationship with Addison ended a few months ago... It was safe to say that girls became a bit more aware of his charms. It would be a lie to say you've never noticed how handsome he looked, you just choose to ignore it, most of the time.

"Hey (L/n) !" Hearing your last name, you let your eyes drift lower to find the blond hair of James calling you with the biggest smile. Waiting down the bleachers, he breathed like he just ran twenty times the field. "Careful there, I can see you drowling from over here."

His voice was loud enought to reach your ears, and loud enought to catch the other boys attentions. He chuckled and a few players followed his humour with amused smiles, catching your attention. You narrowed your eyes, both slightly embarassed and annoyed that he had to call you out in front of all his teammates. You automatically stand up, picking your bag in one, strong hand, and made your way to him down the bleachers, already knowing that practice was over.

"Nice try James, I was just watching if your skills in football were better than mine." Switching you bag from your hand to your shoulder, you defended yourself with the tiniest amused smile, guiding his attention to anything else than you eyeing the captain of his team.

"Oh really ? What do you think then, did I improve myself ?" He asked, his joke long forgotten.

"Not really. You are not even reaching 10% of my football skills." Your smile grew wider as you made fun of him.

"Yeah yeah of course, how about we take that to the fi-"

"Hey James, time to take a shower buddy." You did not notice Zed approaching the two of you, only letting your eyes on him when he stood next to your friend and made his presence known. His elbow nudged James's, earning a scoff from him.

"I was going to, but I still need to take care of the lady remember ?" He moved his finger close to his temple, reminding him of your presence and how important you were.

"Oh I can take care of that, because it smells like death here." He waved his hand in front of his nose, making you chuckle against your will.

James tapped Zed's shoulder, turning himself to leave.

"Look who's talking Necrodopolis." He shook his head, looking at you. "I'll wait for you at the entrance." He then waved later to you, and you did too, smiling at his body leaving in direction of the locker room.

"Looks like you got rid of him." You now looked at Zed, your smile still full of playfulness. His eyes didn't lose time to search yours, raising slightly his head due to you still being on the bleacher stairs. You could have a better look at him this way, and didn't have to raise your head like you usually did. "Was my plan that obvious ?" He added to your teasing with a smile of his own, his body weight shifting on his left foot.

"Totally, I could see you wracking your brain from the football field, wondering how you would get to talk to me without James third wheeling." Funny flirty banter was your thing, whether you used it to smooth the atmosphere or to hint a slight interest. And in Zed's case... Well... You did admit to yourself that he was gorgeous.

"And I could see you staring, didn't know you had a thing for jocks." However, it was less of your thing when a charming boy used the same tricks as you. Zed's words made your cheeks grew pink, something you could easily blame to be the evening sun's fault.

"Just watching you boys play, it's pretty interesting sometimes."

"Only sometimes ?" He raised an amused eyebrow.

"Only sometimes."

"Too bad, I thought the team captain had caught your attention. You know, the handsome player with green hair." He attempted, shrugging his shoulders nonchalantly.

"Really ? You're the team captain ? Since when ?" You let your face paint itself with a false air of surprise, playing more and more with the jokes he lets you have fun with.

"Oh it's recent, only one or two years since I joined the team. I also often forget how popular I've become." And again he shrugged his shoulders, delivering his line with the most unfazed facial expression you could have seen.

You laughed a bit louder than before, making a twinkle of victory appear in his eyes along with a charming smile. "Alright alright champ, I am just messing with you."

"I wouldn't have guessed." He mocked you a bit more, just to see you roll your eyes and shake your head with yet another giggle. A few seconds pass and Zed's can't help but notice how your eyes seems to have wandered to a thought deep hidden in your head. "What are you thinking about ?" He demanded, lowering his voice not to startle you in case you were already far into your daydream.

"I guess, I never really noticed... But the evening sun really compliments your hair." Too focus on the bright new color the sun created, you can't notice how Zed's cheeks became a lighter shade of pink, contrasting with his very pale skin. Sunddenly aware of his hair color he couldn't help but to run a hand through his locks, his eyes now shifting away from your face. His slight movement appear to break wathever spell you got yourself into and your eyes made their way back to his, not noticing his new attitude.

The next second, his eyes looked back at you, a thought of his own appearing behind the dark of his pupils. "I think I can find something well more complimenting than my crazy green hair. They are totally natural by the way."

His sentence seems to finally knock some sense into you, the very sense you had lost while looking at his hair, and the very same sense you had struggled to get back when your eyes looked at his. "I highly doubt that." Wide eyes take over your features to prove your point and your doubt before being washed by Zed's shaking his head.

"You do ? Okay, give me your hand if you are so sure of yourself." Stretching his hand in your direction, his brown orbs were pleading his case, puppy style, almost encouraging you to trust him.

You rolled your eyes, yet again, placing your hand in his. Your fingers curl around his skin, mimicking the way his just did around your hand. He does not lose the opportunity to take your second hand in his palm while your foot comes down your perch, trying to convince himself that your stability is his top priority. The grassy ground reminds you of how small you are compared to his giraffe heigh, and your head must now look up to gaze at his face. You tried to erase the thought his is skin being soft against yours, his hands being, oh so large, around your girl sized baby hands. But the task was way more difficult than you had imagined. In a soft motion, he exchanged both of your spot by making you rotate with him, his back was now facing the bleachers while you were greeted with the powerful sun on your face. You wondered how you did not became blind on the spot while Zed's face moved around tring to find several different angle to look at you. The skin on his face, moving without warning, cartooned his expressions which made you giggle. He looked so focused on his task that it made you feel self conscious about your look. "What you are doing ?" You try to quiet your giggle while your eyes followed his every move.

He focused his gaze on your eyes again, smiling with satisfaction. "The sun really compliments your eyes, they are beautiful."

At that moment, you couldn't quite grasp if it was the way he looked at you, or the way his voice gently complimented you, or maybe if it was just the fact that you were lying to yourself about being attracted to him, putting that affirmation far behind the fact that he was just charming. But his words stole all the air from your lungs and you felt extremely hot in a matter of seconds. His gaze didn't drift from yours, just admiring you even if he noticed the shy mess he just made of you. He was enough of a gentleman to not make a comment about it, and just appreciated it. Your thoughts racing faster than a rocket made your eyes dance in every direction possible, trying to find your words and confidence from earlier. Acknowledging the fact that you needed to respond, you bit your lower lip, trying to find the air you once had in your lungs.

"They are pretty common, really." You tried to put his words above your head, high enough so you wouldn't think nor take them for what they were.

"Have you seen my eyes ? That's what you can call common, you can even call them poop brown." His joke diverted you from your previous thoughts, obtaining, like it was a precious gift, another laugh from you. You shook your head and, at last, looked at him again. "Are you serious ? Have you seen your eyes under the sun's rays ?" It was easy to compliment other people, you would even shove their face in whatever you could find if that meant they could see how fine you thought they looked. But when it came to you, compliments, praises, were not allowed. Hell you even made yourself think that it was forbidden. But in that moment, you could see the determination in Zed's eyes to fight you teeth and nails just to make you hear him.

"My point, your eyes are beautiful." You were about to dismiss him again when he cut you out before he even saw you mouth starting to move. "And I am winning this one, you can no longer contradict me."

You sighed a small 'okay', your being eating you from inside so you would, in fact, contradict him. His eyes were quick to make you forget what you were going to fight for, and even quicker to make you wonder if something was indeed happening between you two. You couldn't shake those thoughts, maybe you were a hopeless romantic, but you guys were flirting... Right ? Not being able to read your thoughts made Zed's bite the inside of his cheek. Your face was an open book, James didn't lie about that when he talked about you. He could see the wheels turning behind your eyes, and your eyebrows moving to every feeling and image your brain was sending you. He decided to catch your attention once more.

"Hey, I was wondering..." His voice was gentle, almost feeling like the comfiest pillow you would want to lie on. "Would you like to-"

"Hey Necrodopolis ! What's taking you so long, practice over and I want to go home !" The strong voice of the coach resounded in your ears, making you jump on the spot. He almost made you have a heart attack.

Zed's eyes widened with frustration, his head falling backward in an attempt to regain some control over his emotions. His tongue licked his lips, almost bitting it. He turned his head to look at his coach who called him from the locker room doors. "I am coming, I just need to-"

"You'll talk to your girlfriend tomorrow ! Go take a shower and go home champ." You could see from afar the coach tapping his foot against the ground, Zed surely had ran out of talking privilege.

He sighed, turning his gaze to look at you with tiny apologising eyes. "I am sorry I have to go, coach orders." You nodded to show that you understood and didn't hold it against him. With a last and gentle 'I'll see you tomorrow' his hands softly left yours before jogging in the adult direction who seemed to scold him when he arrived in front of him, and maybe tease him a little.

Your hands suddenly felt cold, sinking in the fact your brain had erased on purpose. His hands had hold yours mid conversation and didn't let go. You haven't even thought more about it on the spot, like it was natural. Your heart was beating a bit faster than usual, it took a deep breath to ground yourself. It was when the sun made his smile a little bit brighter that you had realised, Zed Necrodopolis was indeed making your heart beat faster. And you were totally going to blame the sun for it.

"I guess you were too busy and forgot to meet me at the school entrance." James had reached your side from god knows where, his football uniform long forgotten and changed into some random t-shirt and sweat pants. He looked at you with a cocked eyebrow and the most annoying smirk he could have made up on the spot.

You shook your head from your previous thoughts to now fight your childhood friend who seemed to want to have fun about the fact he had left you alone with his captain. "You sure you showered ? That was pretty fast." The best defense is a good offense you convinced yourself, praying that James would leave you off the hook.

You started to walk away, hearing his foot following you closely before adding. "So, can you finally tell me what zombies taste like or am I, still, supposed to wait ?"

"Oh my f-..udging god !"

"Argh almost won a dollar in the swearing jar with this one." -.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Am I tweaking or James parts are actually better ?

Thanks for taking the time to read my first work ! Like I said on top of the post, I am really not satisfied with how it turned out. I just feel like I did my boy dirty TwT I might be so in love that I can't even focus when writing about Zed, the sun's fault though ;)

[uhgood-girl]

someone (hi, @sweetjikook, careful what you ask for, idk if this is what you wanted lol) asked me what my thoughts are on current jikook in my last post and in an attempt to not be redundant with all of the information already out there, all i can really think about is offering everyone some insight/context on a situation that i know a lot of people probably don't have experience with but i do.

have you ever been in relationship you had to hide?

but between just you and me, having everyone convinced i'm really bad at it is part of the self defense mechanism i built in a long time ago to make sure that when i have to lie, about the more serious things, the things that matter, no one can call my bluff. because i'm actually really good at it. i wasn't given a choice not to be.

how good of a liar are you? me, personally, if you were to ask, i would tell you i'm an awful one. just absolutely no good, can't control my face, i have skin that's prone to blushing (me + seokjin = 1 whole tomato), and even if i manage to get the lie out, it won't take me long to break. and these days, for the most part, that is delightfully true. most of my lies now are white or just silly, meant to be discovered immediately. i have significantly less to lose and am in a space that doesn't require that sort of skill in me anymore.

having to pretend you don't love someone when you really, really do is not for the faint of heart. for every moment alone you can steal together, those precious hours, or if you're lucky days, where no one else is around and you can finally let out all of the pent up affection and desire just to be close to each other that has been building up for who knows how long, there is far more time simply spent alone. alone, as in by yourself and then the type of alone in a crowded room, your partner visible and right there, but as good as miles away for all the ability you have to be near them how you would prefer to be. it's a special sort of hell, to be frank, and the only reason it's worth it is if you and the other person can some how make it work in spite. and i do mean in spite, because there are so many things to spite in those circumstances, but i digress.

truthfully (lol okay, but really), i think when you can ignore the reasons you're having to do it in the first place, there's something rather romantic about hiding. i'm not the first person to write about it and think so. it really does heighten the whole relationship experience. every secret smile shared, every touch stolen, every love letter slipped between the pages of a book passed back and forth in the hall, between classes, (don't romanticize your trauma, folks. do as i say, not as i do) it's low key addictive.

you know when you're in a group and someone says something bizarre and your eyes find your partner already staring back at you with an expression that confirms you're both thinking the exact same thing? that lightning zap of recognition down your spine, a warmth rushing your head and chest because there are few greater feelings than to know and be known, dearly, intimately? it's a little like that, but every single time you look at each other because what you're sharing, it's always a secret. and when it's just you and someone else against the world, it fosters a very specific type of camaraderie and trust, because there are real stakes at play if you mess up. if you are discovered, you risk safety, reputation, and worst case scenario permanent separation, just to name a few.

now, before we continue, i want to take a second and make sure you're not letting any potential preconceived notions about lying, that it's always bad, that thou shall not do it, whatever, cast any sort of moral judgements on the liar. we don't have time or room for that here. if you've never been in an environment where lying was required of you at the risk of yours or worse, someone you love, their well-being, good for you, i hope that never changes. but i ask that you take a second to recognize that lying is not always a negative, deceit not always malicious in intent.

you know who i think is a really good liar? jungkook. are you surprised? good, he's doing it right. call it "it takes one to know one" maybe, but i've watched our little baby star candy get wise fast over the years and at this point, he's got hiding in plain sight (i'm sorry, it's too applicable, iykyk) aka lying by omission down pat. he and i think everyone else involved, actually, knows that most people are going to go out of their way to explain his and jimin's actions as something else. homophobia in this case is both the sword and shield, as is the convenient culture of skinship and the rest of bangtan's puppy tornado physical affection with each other. i'm not saying they wouldn't be like that anyway, i think they would, i'm just saying it's a very convenient smokescreen for people trying to hide otherwise.

also, i'm not trying to make anyone here sound like some sort of evil mastermind, but it's my own personal theory that a lot of the more incriminating situations we've seen on camera were on purpose. whether pushed by jikook themselves (ehh) or the company (probably the latter, bc they're sure as hell in the know), i think something like having an obvious hickey and the culprit's admitting to it was a bit of a boundary test to see just how much they could get away with. people are explaining it away as something totally normal between friends? excellent, write that down.

i, for one, am glad for it. someone out of that pairing needs to be good at it and it is not mr. park lol. jimin is great at so so many things, look, i think he's a slytherin too, but just cunning and ambition does not a good liar make. his "flaw" is his sincerity, he means things too much. it's why those early years of him crushing on jk feel so painfully palpable. it's why you're not going to catch him in a live with the other man, at least not a spontaneous one, anytime soon. (he can't even play it cool in the comments, be so for real right now. on that note, jk isn't necessarily playing it cool either in those lives, but people are faster to write his actions off like i discussed above, for whatever reason suits them, and he knows it.) jimin protects himself and jk by not putting himself in unplanned situations where he's forced to lie to anyone's face (if he can help it) in the first place. it's one of the reasons we've gotten, imo, some of the most insightful answers about jikook from him directly (i love waking up and seeing him, i would want to have him with me if i was stranded on an island, etc.) because if you put him on the spot, 9 times out of 10 he's going to tell some form of the truth.

jk means things too, please don't think i'm accusing him of being disingenuous, i just think he's filled in for what jimin lacks and in this case and particular situation, jimin lacks a single false bone in his body. and really good partnerships have that sort of synchronicity, no? it's one of the reasons i think they work so well, why they've made it this far. that, and i really do think they have all of bangtan and the company behind them too, but that's a different post.

so, my thoughts overall on current jikook aren't really all that different from the perception i have had of them over the last few years. i think they're together and experiencing all of the ups and downs that come with every long term relationship with the unfortunate added pressure of not being able to be open about it (+ being world famous idols + living in an openly homophobic country + impending enlistment ++++ a 100 other things. the cards are really stacked here, sadly.) though, because of idol culture, it's not like they could be open even if they were in het relationships, something that i think is both shitty but also helps them in the long run. and again, i have been in this long enough now that i don't really sweat "evidence" that comes out against them while they are still being loud in their own way. if anything, depending on what it is, i like it because it is further cover for a couple with a whole hell of a lot to potentially lose if they're genuinely exposed. (when i say i like it, this does not include videos of jk potentially being stalked. and my shortest response i could give you in regard to those videos are 1. if it's him, fuck those videos and the people who filmed them, i hope you rot, i didn't see anything that makes me change my opinion of jikook. 2. if it's not him, fuck those responsible and the whole concept still but more ground cover for jikook at least.)

this too is why i'm not particularly bothered by people shipping them with other members. i know i keep emphasizing it, but when the name of the game here is HIDE, every misdirection is a boon. if tae wants to get on live and talk about jk and how close they are, knowing that it will cause a certain faction of people to be loud afterward, so be it. those are literally his best friends/brothers and if taking some of the heat lets them slip further into the background, tae has shown himself to be extremely protective of those he cares about and uniquely clever (now, whether jikook still want him to be doing that at this point can be debated, but i still think his overall intentions are probably good. though don't get me started on how that misdirection is potentially working in his own favor as well lol)

end of day, being in a relationship you have to hide is really fucking hard. it is stressful and painful and heartbreaking and you spend so much time terrified for yourself and your partner that on long nights when you are alone again and you have cried yourself to exhaustion for the nth time, you wonder if it's really worth it, if maybe the purest act of love you could give someone is just letting them go. and if you are unlucky, as i was, the choice is eventually taken away from you altogether. your relationship ends because the world steps in and puts mountains between you and this is not fiction but real life, so you are young and powerless to do anything about it. i wouldn't wish it on an enemy, much less people i really care for. if i'm being really super duper honest here, sometimes the thought of jikook not actually being in a relationship feels like relief to me.

obviously i dont think our situations are perfectly comparable, the main thing being they've kind of already made it. they're adults with their own homes and money and elaborate support systems that seem to include their family and closest friends. if they were exposed tomorrow, who's to say it would even ruin their careers, bangtan have made such an impact on the world at this point it's not a sure thing. but still. it would hurt, needlessly so. it wouldn't be a walk in the park by any means. even if they ever come out on their own, on their own terms, it won't be easy and i simply wish the world was not that way. i think it's really fucking stupid that the world is still this way.

so i know for me, personally, if we ever get confirmation that they're not together...okay. i think my heart will simultaneously clench and unclench. i think i will secretly maintain that they were together at some point, honestly you can snatch that belief from my cold dead hands, but i will not be upset that two people i (parasocial? we still don't know her) care deeply for are suddenly at less a certain type of risk of being harmed.

but until they stop being so loud for anyone paying attention on main, i will be right here, rooting for them to beat the odds. if anyone could, i think it's them.

[devisopod]

Levity Creek!

Chapter One (?)

Grammar? I hardly know 'er

I really need to brush up but we're going right for it instead. Don't know how often I'll update this, or if it'll get any reception at all. Here you go, folks! Don't expect too much to happen right away.

____

Entry 1.

You know, I'm not even sure I could tell you the last time I spent three hours on the phone with someone. Let alone someone I felt growing further from my touch each year, but it was like the connection never really left as soon as we spoke. Hell, it felt like a blessing to hear from Fiddleford — some kind of proverbial spark reignited. Sounds silly, but I swear it's like we were kids all over again.

He always was as friendly as they come, and damn it if I didn't looked up to him for it. The guy could make a friend quicker than I could get my mouth open. Then again, I hardly ever did open it.

Fiddleford's still everything I knew him to be, actually. I guess I'd just been afraid that we were too different nowadays to be as close as we were. After all, he's got a kid now. Tate. How about that?

In his fashion, he forgot why he called me until the very end. He landed a freelance job up in Oregon that he wants my help with. I don't think I've ever agreed to anything quicker. If it'll get me outta here for a while, it's a gift.

I'm heading for Oregon tomorrow. Hope my van makes it.

___

If it weren't for the obnoxious rumble of the engine and the undeniable need to keep the vent windows open to accommodate it, I might have been able to hear the radio. Every now and again, I manage to hear the static of leaving and entering broadcast range — sometimes a dull guitar riff, but nothing satisfying. The speaker nestled in the driver's side has been busted for as long as I can remember. I think I've started to enjoy complaining about it, so I reckon that's why I never fix it. No, instead, I get to sit with my thoughts and a rattling doghouse. In hindsight, it was a miserable choice to make for such a long drive.

In fact, driving from the East Coast to the West Coast in a metaphorical brick, which reaches fifty-five miles an hour on a good day, is undoubtedly one of the stupidest decisions I've ever made. Sure, I could have flown, but then I would have left this marvel of machinery behind. And what am I without my office?

From floor to roof, I'd turned the back of my van into a space as comfortable as my apartment back home. More often than not, I spent my time in it. As long as I could hook it up to a power source, I could relax on the beanbag chair and type for hours. I've gotten better sleep and more work done in the back of this van than anywhere else to tell you the truth. At least, that's been the pattern so far. I'm starting to hope that Oregon changes that. I could use a change.

While I'm excited for the job, it's bound to be a big adjustment. From what I understand, which isn't a lot mind you, Gravity Falls is the town sending out contracts for the construction of the software service. When Fiddleford mentioned the name, I thought he might have been joking, but then I got the document in the mail. It looked incredibly legal, not to mention formal, for such a small job in a place that can only be described as "nowhere". Then again, most places were keen on adapting to new systems so they don't get too far behind.

It sort of made me wonder if the whole "nowhere" front has a purpose. After all, I did sign something that effectively mirrors an NDA.

By the time I reach Oklahoma and park, I recount that I've stopped about ten times for one reason or another. I had stayed in Memphis last night, which wasn't much of an annoyance, but the stops prior had been. A flat tire, the engine stalled, I suddenly really had to use the bathroom. Though that last one seems more like a poor lunch decision, I could almost swear that it was like the universe telling me to turn around and go back home before I got too far. I'd considered it while cursing over the carburetor as it hissed at me.

The only reason I still lay here in my motel with the intention of continuing tomorrow is for Fiddleford if nothing else. I called him when I first got here, half ready to let him know that it's just not a trip I can make, but he sounded so excited that I couldn't bring myself to crush his enthusiasm. He was already planning things we could do and prattling on about places he wanted to take me. The thought of disappointing him seemed wrong.

Pushing the covers of the stiff bed down toward my ankles, I roll onto my side and stare out the window. Each time I shift it feels like I'm getting further from sleep. Either the matress springs make an unholy creaking noise, they press into my back, or the people in the next room over get rowdy.

Eventually, I decide it isn't worth it. If I can't sleep, I may as well get going. So, I grab up my keys and my bag and sling everything into the passenger seat. Slamming the driver's side door shut behind me, I gas up the engine while it whines and protests before it finally relents. It isn't until then that I actually let some relief wash over me.

"I know you're tired," I mumble, "but I gotta get the hell outta Oklahoma."

I started hearing the radio a little more clearly after that.

NEXT

[gensokyogarden]

it's almost new years and you guys have been there for me so much during this year so tonight I do want to make a post trying to recognize a lot of people within the community. My head is pretty fuzzy right now so I fear I'm gonna forget some folks, in which case I'm honestly genuinely very sorry, but know that so many of you have touched my life in a positive way. Since I wasn't fully around on Thanksgiving either, consider this my chance of telling you all that I'm thankful for you too.

Some of you may not see this. Either because you don't follow this blog or you've been offline for a while. But I hope even if you don't see this post you still are able to understand my feelings towards you.

At the moment I would prefer if people don't reblog this. I'm not the most comfortable with my out of character thoughts being spread around. However if you know someone in this but think they won't see it on their own you are welcome to link them to this. Also if you're mentioned in this and you REALLY want to save it, I guess I can't stop you from reblogging.

Ruler: It feels like anytime I'm in a rough spot you always have kind words for me. With how often you're in character I just deeply respect you always breaking it for me. You've helped me to feel safe in the community during a very difficult time. That means the world to me.

Annette-mun: I know we only met a year ago but you have become an incredibly close friend to me. Being honest, I rank you as one of my best friends. I have fun with all of the boardgames we play together as well as the connections we've made between a lot of our muses. I always want to recognize all the work you put in sending me those ask spams. I'm sorry that because of head stuff I haven't been able to answer most of the new set. It makes me feel as if I've failed to respect the effort that you have put in. But I hope some day in the future I can fix that. I'm very glad we're friends.

Vel: You're a really funny friend and I care about you a lot. I feel that sometimes I'm not sensitive enough to things that may bother you and worry I may have upset you at times in the past. If I have, I'm really sorry. You write Kyouko really well and your ocs are also quite fun. Thanks for letting me make Nagi. Sometimes you say things that make me feel you are self-concious about your blog and other things. So I just wanna reiterate that I am in your corner and here for you whenever you need.

Slap: I was shy towards you at first, I'll admit. It may not seem it but I'm kinda a shy person in general and I'm nervous to warm up to people, but I'm glad you joined the Touhou community. You're a really funny guy. I love reading your posts on my dash and now I also love playing the occasional game with ya. Your ability to do voice and to commit to bits is astounding. I'm really glad I met you.

Argo: You're someone who is always there for me. I really appreciate that. I left the Fate community for personal reasons years ago now. I'm very glad that, despite that, I still ended up meeting you. Because you've been such a good friend to me. I'm glad that you've gotten somewhat into Touhou because it gives us more room to interact. You've really been there when I've needed you. Often you apologize and say you don't do enough but you've done so much for me. You're special to me.

Hoche: Through all the struggles I've gone through you have been very supportive of me. You have been a level headed voice of support and advice. I think that if it were not for you I would have been worse off in many different circumstances. Aside from that you are a very talented writer. I find myself stunned by some of what I've seen you write. Thank you for everything you've done for me and for being my friend.

Zane: You always show me cool warhammer things and that's special to me. I also really like Nyalter. I love ocs in general, but I think you have done a phenomenal job in giving her a life and story that is uniquely hers. I find it to be quite inspirational and it really pushes me to work harder on my own original characters.

Amber: I have mentioned this before but you were the first person to welcome me into the community. That is always going to be special to me. During that period when you left I teared up a fair amount because it felt like things would always be so different with you gone. I'm very glad that you came back. I really like all your ocs. I'm glad Eri isn't gone but I'm also really happy to be seeing the opportunity for your other ocs to shine as well. They're all fun, but I'm particularly a fan of Anna.

Kay: You've given me some of the advice that has helped me the most when I have been in a bad spot. I can't thank you enough for that. You've stopped me from making really bad decisions. You've also just been a fun and supportive friend. I am very interested in your Reimu and the story arc you've created with the hakurei god.

Swigg: I know we haven't talked much lately. I think our schedules don't line up the best. But you recently mentioned trying to get back into Tumblr. I'll be very happy if you do. Your ocs are fun and you put a lot of love and care into the canon characters you write. I think you add a lot to the community.

Sethy: I didn't know it for a while but back in the Fate community I followed your arknights blog and admired you there. I'm super glad I have gotten the opportunity to meet you and to become your friend. I think that all the things you do are so cool. Like you're a vtuber that's incredible. I always wanted to stream but could never work up the courage. You also know the creators of all the walfas I love. I just think its so cool. You have such a history within the community. I know that you suffered a very bad tragedy this year. I don't believe I was in a good enough headspace at that time to have provided you with the support a friend should have given and I deeply regret that. I just hope you're doing well.

Noka: I think you're a real sweetie and also really funny. I'm glad to see you posting on your sfw blog a lot more again because I really love seeing you on my dash. I'm hoping that we can do a lot more threads in the future because its always fun to write our muses together.

Minnie: Maybe the only person with the same brain worms as me. I know that lately we have not talked much but I hope you are doing well. I just wanna say that I really love your art.

Aurora: My apprentice and buddy, hehe. I know I haven't been around much but I want you to know that I'm glad you decided to join the rpc. You're so full of ideas and kindhearted. You have such phenomenal oc ideas and have such a talent for making danmaku. I think someday you may be the centerpiece of the community.

Sats: We haven't spoken too often but like Amber you were one of the first folks to interact with me in the community. Alongside that I find your writing to be phenomenal. As are your headcanons. The work that you put in to research, especially on folklore, is just so inspirational. It drives me to want to learn everything I can.

Momi: Hey Momi. It's been a while since you've been around and I miss you a lot. I know we still message on discord occasionally so its not like I can't reach out to ya. But I just miss you being in the rpc a lot. You were such a great writer and always doing something fun. But I imagine you've got a whole bunch of difficult challenges ahead of you. I've heard the career you're pursuing is really rough. I hope that you're thriving in it though.

Sarience: You've always been a good pal to me. I have a lot of fun writing with Neka in both forms as well as your other muses. There's a lot of asks from you I haven't answered yet. I'm really sorry about that. It feels disrespectful. Still I hope to be able to do more in the future. Thank you for always being interested in interacting with my muses, even when I was very new and unestablished.

Kyo: I really really like everytime that I see you on my dash. You write your muses in such a fun and engaging way. I hope that we get to interact a lot more in the future. I also know you've started something new in the last few months, not gonna be specific since I'm not sure if you've shared that part of your personal life on Tumblr, but I wish you the best of luck at it. I think you're going to succeed hard!

Ran: Ran I guess I just first wanna say I consider you a really good and special friend. When we've spoken you've often alluded to social anxiety and feeling like you've said embarassing things. So I want to restate that I've never been put off by what you've said and I love talking to you. As well as roleplaying and doing boardgames. I have so much fun pairing our muses up our causing wacky hijinks. I haven't seen you on your blogs much lately. Maybe I've just missed you but if not I hope you return to the rpc soon. It's not the same place without you.

Metal: You've been a long time friend to me by this point. Longer than a lot of folks on this list. I really appreciate that a lot. We haven't talked too much lately but I hope you're doing well. I also know not all of our fandoms sync up but I'm always down to interact anyways.

Nep: Hey Nep I haven't really seen you on Tumblr lately. I'm hoping that's just because we've been active at different times but if not I hope you're back soon. If you're not, I hope you're happy wherever you are. I think that you're real fun to write with and you've got original characters I'm excited to do much more with. I also believe that you had an event while I was gone that I'll hopefully be able to catch up on sometime soon.

Koi: I know I've not been around much lately but I hope that you're doing well. I've not really been in the headspace for horror lately but you're very good at bringing a unique horror flair to things.

Plumber: Hey we don't really personally know each other all that well but you're always making fun and wacky posts that I love to see on my dash. It feels like the rpc would be a lot less fun without you here. You also seem to be an incredibly kind person.

Kaali: A friend I've had for quite a while now but that I don't talk to enough. Sorry about that I'm just genuinely not the best with conversations. I have mad respect for all the work you put into your original characters and into your ideas. Like you really pull out all the stops.

Awoo: I've admired your ability to create interesting and fun original characters a lot. Several decisions I've made to develop my skills as a roleplayer have been inspired by you. I know you've had some mental health struggles of your own and I haven't heard from you lately so I hope you're doing alright wherever you are.

Sades: During some really difficult moments you were there for me when not many other people were. I'm always going to appreciate that. You're also the reason I got into Touhou. Which means that without you, chances are I woule not have met the vast majority of people here or found a community where I feel I belong.

Cobalt: I am always ecstatic when I see your posts on my dash. I love your Chen and think that you're a lot of fun. I have not been around much but when I have been I've seen you talking about things like not feeling you have much to do in the community. I can't make decisions for you but I do want to say that I think you are a fundamental piece of our rpc. I would be sad not having you here.

Teeps: I was shy about approaching you at first but you're incredibly cool. A lot of the fandoms you are in I'm not in but your posts get me interested in them anyways. Like I have no clue who that green sonic character is but you give her such an energy. I'm real glad to know ya. As far as the 2hu rpc goes you've been around a lot longer than me and I love hearing your own personal that you've developed.

Cait: I need to pop in and catch your streams more. I think that you're very cool to see on the dash. I especially love the way that you write your Sakuya. I really cherrish her interactions with my Reimu.

Sev: First of all. A while ago you sent me a very kind message wishing me well in my mental health struggles. I was not in the best place then so I did not appropriately respond. So thank you for that it truly meant a lot to me. I believe that you put a stunning amount of work into the characters you write, giving them so much detail and layers. Its inspiring and I just really want to appreciate you for it.

Hanafuda: You haven't been around much and last we spoke you alluded to a rough spot. So I hope if you ever see this that you're doing well. It was always fun having another Miko on the dash for mine to banter with. I also looked forward to seeing more of the other muses you played. Maybe someday you'll return.

Frozen: Everytime I see one of your posts it makes me smile. Honestly you've got some of the funniest jokes in the fandom. Some I don't get but I still feel they'd be hilarious if I got them. Also I have noticed you often commission art for other people. I find that to be a very sweet and kindhearted thing. So I consider you to be the heart of the community.

Fox: I don't know you very well but I've recently seen your multimuse popping up and it seems very fun. So I want to get to know ya in the future.

Chiru: We've not really spoken but I think you make some really great posts. Very well written headcanons and roleplays. So I just wanna say I'm always happy seeing you on my dash.

Draco: you're not in the touhou fanbase but you have been a long time friend. I haven't heard much from you lately so I hope you're doing well. I'm here if ya need me.

Sturm: I think that all your fairy posts are incredibly. You truly are a star of my dashboard. Hopefully someday we'll interact more. I'd like that.

Xana: You seem to have so much lore for your blogs, its really cool. It seems you've been around a long while so there's a lot of history. Someday I'd like to sit down and hear all about it from you. I also find your writing to be quite fun.

Jacob: we don't interact too much but I'm always excited to see someone posting walfas images. So that has always made you stick out in my dash and brighten it. Hope you're doing well.

Geisthonoredferry: As of yet, I don't believe we've interacted. But you're always liking my posts thst's something I really appreciate. Hopefully sometime I can get to know your oc.

Carp: Last I saw you were in a rough spot so I hope things are well now. You're newer to my dash but you seem very kind hearted and jovial. Also your ocs sre red as hell and go've got good face claim tastes.

Crim: You're a real cool friend with a lot of cool ideas. I love any interactions that our muses have together. Although my favorite is Kutaka/Eiki because it's somehow both a very obvious ship and yet a rare one. I think that they are very cute together. I also like the sisterhood of Reimu and Kisume. It's an unexpected but fun dynamic.

Mugenri-mun: I don't believe I know your screen name but you've been real supportive of me through my hardship and gave me a person to speak to. I would not be in as good a place without you. Also I'm glad someone is repping Len'en.

Kcmeiji & Closedheartedgirl: I wanted to note you both as you are both Komeiji blogs thay popped up and then disappeared while I've been got on hiatus. I just think that's a bit disappointing. The Komeiji are some of my favorites.

That's about all I have to say. It was kind of tough to word it all out but those are things I want y'all to know.

[quiveringdeer]

Random Smutty Musings about one Toshinori Yagi

written with chubby!afab folks in mind cause tis what I am and what I think in terms of most

additions gifted by the glorious @birds-have-teeth shall be bracketed by --

I was casually thinkin of Toshi while running errands today and how different his libido would be from his younger days.

Like that it probably wasn't uncommon for him to get hella aroused even with the slightest provocations --and also I dunno I just see him remaining a virgin until later in life cause saving the world is a big job and while he's personable and extroverted and maybe he ends up going on some dates cause he wouldn't know how to politely say no to folks, he never gets pretty far cause of whatever reasons.

And basically was just thinkin about how sweet it'd be coaxing him through some of his first experiences and then how needy he'd be after them but also not wanting to bother you aaaaaaall the time just cause his body has a ridiculous drive.

and then later on with the reunion, he's not as horny persay but he's so needy being so touch starved. And anytime you're together he wants to be touching you.

I dunno exactly how old he was when he got OFA but regardless this man is definitely a virgin until at LEAST mid-late twenties and honestly I'm more inclined to say early-mid thirties if that (which is when I'm hc meeting him in my lil daydreams)

Thanks to One for All he has a low refractory period (cause plot magic lmao), but cause he gets to rely on that he also just cums so fuckin easy and doesn't even try to hold it back--I mean he does cause he gets incredibly embarrassed, and the sensitivity can be a bit much but yeah

Just imagining eventually putting him through some stimulation "training", teasing and stimulating him in all the different ways and having him try to hold himself back, try to please you but also beat his own records. He's so so soooo overjoyed everytime you praise him for making it to a new standard

--him whimpering and groaning in that deep staccato voice of his--

He's got his eyes closed, face scrunched up, fingers clenching onto something and your eyes are on a timer you set as you lazily stroke his cock. He makes it past the time and you coo up at him about how well he did and he sucks in a deep breath and erupts all over your hand, trembling all over and then blinking down at you (why's he so fuckin tall even sitting down??) flushed and already murmuring sweet lil apologies

--And he’ll whine that you have to stop praising him because it’s making him cum faster and and and- --

which just has you laughing softly and complimenting how damn cute he is when he's all flustered!!!

he leans forward to try and hide his face in your hair. But you don't let him, casually capturing his chin with your non messed hand, giving him a chaste lil peck on his lips.

"Nuh uh, good bunnies clean their mess up first." You say before lifting your other fingers up to his lips. Somehow his cheeks flush even deeper and he casts his eyes to the side--since he can't turn away-- and opens up his mouth obediently, pink tongue licking his cum from your fingers.

More new to sex Toshi thoughts...

Toshi who is now assailed by his relentless libido ALL THE TIME. And how even after a really intense session that leaves you zonked out with that 'dead to the world' typa sleep, he dozes off a bit beside you but couple hours later wakes up hard as a rock again, humping against your ass like the needy lil bunny he is

he tries to stop cause you're asleep and he'd feel bad waking you up just because his dick won't chill the fuck out. and so he rolls out of the bed, to put some distance and goes to the bathroom hoping a cold shower will end his arousal

it doesnt. his body feels so warm that the freezing water barely registers. feeling out of options he figures he'll just jerk himself off real quick then be good to snuggle back against you until you wake up.

that plan doesn't work out either. his hand just doesn't do the trick anymore. and even using some of the shower gel to make his palm feel for soft like yours doesn't help as he's trying to imagine you jerking him off.

He's so frustrated and isn't aware just how loud his whimpers of desperation have gotten. Even over the spray of the shower, they're loud enough to make your subconscious believe something is wrong, pulling you from sleep.

You shuffle into the bathroom, bleary eyed and naked. Toshinori goes suddenly quiet when you open the door and sleepily rasp out his name.

"Toshi, e'rything okay?"

No. Everything is awful and he needs you desperately. He swallows down thick saliva that apparently leaves his mouth completely dry because his voice is a coarse, frayed bare thing when he finally utters, "Yes. Fine."

He presses his back against the shower wall, forcing his arms to his sides and palms against the wall as well. Hoping the frigid tiles will seep some sense and control back into his body.

Sleep is steadily releasing it's grip on your mind so you've become aware enough to notice there's no steam in the bathroom. Odd since you both appreciated nice warm showers.

"Is something wrong with the hot water?"

The tiles isn't doing shit to help him out. You've said in the past that you find his neediness cute and flattering, but even with you now awake, he feels like he shouldn't immediately start begging you to touch him just cause he can't help himself.

He's in his head longer than he realizes because without any kind of response, you've slid aside the frosted glass and were now staring at him with a worried expression.

Your eyes sweep his body, taking in the redness all over. You assume it's from the cold water cause you can immediately notice the temperature after opening the sliding pane. But then, maybe it's from something else because you're taking in the sight of his cock standing at full attention --even though Toshinori is bashfully trying to hide it with his large hands. As if you all hadn't been fucking in all kinds of angles and positions some few hours earlier.

"What are you doing?"

"I..." He's not really sure what to say. There's a lot but he settles on the simplest truth. Croaked out of his still dry throat, "I was, trying to make it go away."

In one swift motion, you're turning off the water and reaching out your hand. "Why not just jerk off?"

"I was. It doesn't feel as good as when you do it. I couldn't..."

Your brows lift in surprise as his voice trails off. "Awww," you flex the fingers of your outstretched hand, encouraging him to step out of the shower. "My sweet, Bunny can't get off without me now?"

One large hand engulfs yours as Toshi moves to awkwardly step from the shower. His other hand still trying to cover his impressive erection. A deep groan is his other response. Too embarrassed by his neediness and inability to make himself cum to attempt another worded response.

When he's fully out of the shower you reach for a dry towel and pull it around his body before pressing yourself against his chest. "Y'dont have to be embarrassed, Bunny. It was real sweet of you to try and take care of it all by yourself while I slept. You're always so considerate."

Your head tilts back, and Toshi recognizes the unspoken request for a kiss when you pucker your lips. He immediately obliges, wrapping you up in his arms now that the towel is covering up his shameful failure. The tenderness of his cool, chapped lips brushing over yours is a complete contrast to the swiftness of him pulling you closer.

While he's pressed his lips softly to yours, he waits for you to take the lead in the kiss. Letting you decide the depth and intensity, while he's just grateful to have your body tucked against his again.

And consider this!

somnophilia thoughts with this, telling toshi that the next time he's stuck in this lil dilemma he could use your body to get off, if he wanted to.

either rutting against your ass or fucking between your thighs.

even with permission though, I don't know if he would. if anything I feel like he'd just eat you out until you wake up. whether that's a few minutes or way longer. just content to feast on you and give you orgasms while you're still unconscious, grinding his cock down against the bed being the only attention he gives himself

like the image of waking up as your muscles tighten up, back arching a bit as your hands fist in that wealth of pretty blond hair, them long fingers of his pumping in and out in that perfect rhythm you taught him as his mouth sucks on your clit.

he moans against your cunt as you sigh his name all soft, body relaxing back onto the bed.

his fingers are still lazily working you as you look down to see him smiling up at you. face glistening with your slick, blue eyes dark from how blown his pupils are, so aroused by giving you pleasure

waking up to him actually fucking his cock between your thighs. Oh so close to where he really wants to sink that pretty cock of his into, but not so sure he wants to go that far, even with your permission. cause even this still feels wrong to him, that he's taking pleasure from this without giving you something equal or better in return.

but he's just gotten back from a long long day of heroing and you're already sound asleep.

braced himself up behind you, holding you close and nuzzling into the back of your neck as at first he's just casually grinding his hips against you. and of course it doesn't take much to get him fully hard, pretty cock leaking pre

you wiggle a bit in your sleep and he thinks maybe you'll wake up and he can fuck you properly but no such luck. but your legs do open and close in a way that traps his cock between your thighs. (maybe you're not so asleep as he thinks)

the pre is the only lubrication he has as his hips move, pushing his cock back and forth between your soft thighs. his hands move under the oversized All Might shirt you're wearing as pjs. you don't usually wear his merch and so it gives him a bit of a thrill when you do. He knows you love him, Toshinori, and while you don't fawn over him as a hero like the rest of the world does, he loves knowing you do like and accept that part of him to.

his lips nip, kiss and suck along your neck and shoulder as those big hands of his fondle and grope at your tits and tummy, just wanting to somehow have all of you in his grasp, his hot breath starts to beat against the back of your neck more quickly as your thighs squeeze down around him.

he's huffing out strings of nonsense words against your neck. affirmation of how good you're making him feel, how thankful he is that you've given him permission to do this. that you don't find him pathetic for needing to do this. how much he adores you. how much he loves you.

you're definitely not still asleep but pretending for the sake of your own fantasies. it feels so good knowing Toshinori is this desperate that he can't even wait until you're properly awake--not that he's caught on that you are now very much awake.

your hand slowly moves between your thighs, making a gentle curve that cups the head of his cock when it slides past the expanse of your thighs.

toshi gasps. his own hands squeezing where they hold you. his hips nearly stay pressed to the backs of your thighs as he focuses on making quicker more powerful thrusts as your hand curves more firmly around the part of his cock peeking from between your flesh.

he's so gone. trying to imagine he's fucking into the tightness of your pussy even though it's not nearly wet or warm enough to be.

but what finally tips him over the edge. makes him spill that big load of cum he's been holding in all day is when you groan out, "cum for me, Bunny."

his hips stutter and he releases. coating your hand, thighs and the poor sheets in a wealth of cum, whimpering against your neck as you jerk him off through the aftershocks of his orgasm

fin

[spidey-bie]

Ansi & Hobie

–Part 2

Here we go again. Y'all are so irritating.

(Actually loves them both with her whole heart)

I'm not going to @ them again but these questions are by @/the-cat-and-the-birdie

Meeting:

How did they meet Hobie? What was their first meeting like?

A long time ago when Ansi was a wee lass her father accidentally opened a portal to a neighboring dimension and low and behold a young boy. It wasn't the greatest first meeting (lots of tears from both sides). But over time it got better. They were together for 2 years before Hobie went back to his world.

Did they like each other right away?

Nope. Ansi thought Hobie was weird. Hobie thought Ansi was stuck up. (Little did they know they were both autistic.)

What was their first impression of each other?

Refer back to the previous question.

Romance:

Why am I answering this section when I've already established that they're not in a romantic relationship. For fun 🤭. I'm gonna answer the sex one too. Let's irritate some allos today.

Are they 'together', committed, in a relationship, etc? Or label-less?

They're in a committed QPR.

Do they say I love you? (Or something else)

I don't know actually. I know they say they adore one another but it's not....like if asked they'll say they respect or admire the other but idk if they ever claim to love one another in public or in private.

Do they kiss? In public or private?

Yes. Everywhere but the lips. Honestly it's almost entirely on the hands. The hands thing started out with Ansi ironically kissing Hobie's hand. (It's not ironic anymore.) Lips are too much of a romantic thing for both of them.

Are they more likely to steal kisses, or make-out?

Neither. It's funny though because Ansi will run up and scale Hobie to give him a forehead kiss whenever he so desires.

What are their love languages?

Ansi's is quality time and physical touch.

Hobie's is physical touch and acts of service.

Emotional vulnerability should be a love language too but oh well.

Are they monogamous or polyamorous?

Ansi you ha- *giggle* I'm sorry but do y- *pffft* just answer the question Ansi. I can't.

Its not even that funny but, whatever. I barely have mental stability to manage one relationship in my life. You think I could handle more? IDC what Hobie does tho.

If they're poly - Do they have other partners

Thinking about marriage, or no?

Ansi laughed.

Kids, or no?

Ladies and gentlemen, enbys and everything outside and in between, Ansi is on the floor. She is not breathing. He's cracking up so badly that the air has left his lungs. And oh look, what do we have here? In a crazy turn of events seems Hobie has joined her. It looks like they're engaging in what the kids call, "Rolling on the floor laughing their butts off." Wow. What a show folks. They're definitely both gonna feel that later tonight.

Do other people know about their situation?

Close friends only. Everyone else can ask questions but they aren't gonna get answers.

Favorite date spot?

They don't call them dates. But they do chill out on Hobie's boat or Ansi's Aunt's house most of the time. If they're going out they're most likely going to the library or a record shop.

Who liked who first?

Hobie. Definitely Hobie. Ansi was like oh yeah he's cool but feelings didn't grow until they reunited again.

Who made the first move?

Ansi. Immediately realized their feelings and went, hey I kinda wanna have a deeper emotional relationship with you because you're really cool and I adore you.

Hobie could only nod because he was in shock.

Do they consider each other soulmates?

And further support amatonormativity and the idea that everyone must be connected to someone in some way in order to gain true happiness? I think not and also,

*Queue Ansi giving a whole spiel on amatonormativity and how it negatively affects society*

Your OC and Hobie are obviously on a date somewhere - someone begins aggressively flirting with him, and being rude to your OC - what do they do?

Ah yes let's piss off the pyromaniac. Jokes aside he'd be upset over the unplanned interruption. He'll just pick Hobie up and move the both of them somewhere else. However if that "unplanned interruption" tries to follow them that's when she starts to get really irritated. Now he's gonna act absolute fool.

A: "Bart the baby. I THINK THE BABY'S COMING."

Cue lamaze breathing

Unplanned Interruption: It seems like you're busy so imma just go.

After the person walks away he'll either claim it was a false labor or they book it outta there.

She's done this, a fake engagement, pretended to faint, pretended to almost throw up, etc. Once she did a whole scene from her favorite telenovela where he accused the guy flirting with Hobie of being his long lost cousin. (They were in Ansi's world.) He's a con artist. He does stuff like this everyday.

(A/N: This is so much fun to do. I come up with lore while writing these answers it's really nice.)

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[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #10

I did the very scary thing today that I talked a little about yesterday.

I spoke up about a thing that bothered me. I tried to be kind and loving and sincere as I did it. I tried to set healthy boundaries. Anticipating rejection and abuse, I then exited the situation so that the folks involved wouldn't have to deal with me anymore. That probably wasn't the best move, admittedly. But I am not a perfect human by any stretch of the imagination; I still have a whole lot to learn. With this experience under my belt, I'll probably do a little better next time.

Maybe at first glance, it doesn't seem so scary to you to talk about the things that bother you; perhaps you'd laugh at me for acknowledging that vulnerability can be terrifying. But in that case, if you would laugh, then I would have to gently point out to you that if you had been brave enough to let everyone know you were struggling back in the year 2002 in your world, things in Nibelheim could have turned out a lot differently than they did.

In any case, I was shocked and touched when, in the end, some of the people involved reached out to me in an effort towards reconciliation. This sort of thing is unprecedented for me, and I'm not really sure how to navigate the situation. I'm also not sure if any efforts made towards navigating the situation will yield good results. I am in very unknown territory; the cynical side of me that is used to lies and empty promises is wary, but the hopeful side of me, in defiance of all my instincts, wants to try for connection and communication.

I saw this recently, and it feels very… applicable. So I'll put it here so you can read it, too:

"sometimes it don't be like that but you're so used to when it do be like that that you don't give it a chance to don't" is what it says. I know that the grammar is not correct, but brains are marvelous in that when English doesn't logic Englishly, brains brain by themselves to logic that English! ;P

I don't know if good things will happen or if bad things will happen. But I do know this: I don't want to stop giving things chances. Future me is strong enough to handle it if bad things happen, and the possibility for good things to happen is too precious to miss out on. So I'll try to keep my heart open, even if it means I might get hurt again sometime.

I think I handled the situation better than previous versions of me would have. And it's not lost on me that the only reason I was able to handle it at all is because of the people around me who helped me try to sort through it. I was reminded by the people who are close to me that my main responsibility in my everyday living is to behave in ways that are in alignment with my innermost nature and allow people to do what they wish with their free will, even if it means that they misuse it. I was also reminded that it is not in the nature of humans to operate from a fear-based lens or to make decisions in the throes of anger, bitterness, resentment, despair, or pain; when human beings lash out, that's just their trauma and adrenaline doing the talking. We are not ourselves when memories of our trauma are hijacking our nervous systems, and not everyone is equipped to notice it when their adrenaline is running the show.

Today, when doing the scary thing, the adrenaline flooding my system made my hands shake and my stomach feel all swirly. I imagine you have a lot more experience dealing with adrenaline than I do. I've heard that the sensation is a little different for everybody; I wonder what the sensation feels like for you. Are you mindful enough to be aware of the sensation when it occurs? Or did your circumstances force you to put the sensation from your conscious perception? I had to re-learn how to notice the sensation in my body, because in the past, I had to function through it so often that the easiest thing to do was to put it out of my mind until I forgot how to notice it altogether.

Still, re-learning how to be mindful of the sensation of adrenaline in my body was work worth doing. I've found that I can actually function better through it if I acknowledge its presence and make room for it, instead of pretending like it's not there and acting like it's not a factor in my mental state. When I am aware of it, I can make loving choices despite it, instead of letting it get its coils around me and from there allow the resulting emotions to control me like some kind of puppet.

We can deny that we have emotions all we like, but it's never actually true. All that happens is that those emotions we denied end up finding other ways to manifest. If we don't intentionally choose how to direct our emotions, then our emotions will direct us instead, and that leads to all sorts of weird and unpleasant problems…

I wonder what you've seen while wandering around the Edge of Creation. I wonder if any of the things you've seen have allowed you to remember how to be mindful of your body and of your sensations, emotions, mind, heart, and feelings. I wonder if you've been learning how to wield these things properly, in service to that which is beautiful, loving, and good.

I hope that someday, when you are strong enough to return to us and sing the song of your heart alongside us with a smile again, you will tell us all about your experiences and what you've learned. I hope you'll tell us all about all the things you've struggled with and how you've overcome them. I hope you'll tell us all about the things you still struggle with, and allow us to help you through them.

We'll be waiting until then. Remember that you are loved. Please stay safe.

Your friend, Lumine

[kim-poce]

2. No God In Town: Horrible Flavor

On Patreon (two weeks earlier release)

First | Next | Masterlist

“It's dead.”

The last of my mint plants. Dead. Weren't they supposed to be low maintenance? I left out a long sigh. I understand irrational animals being able to survive without magic, but how can humans build a whole society without it? Even getting a plant to survive is so much work!

I want tea, but the flavor would be horrible if I used magic to grow the food, which is understandable; I never had the chance to learn how to build the flavor properly; in war, every drop of energy was too precious and expensive, and I hadn’t the luxury of making the food tasty, not if I wanted to make a large amount, nutritious enough to keep the humans alive from battle to battle and on.

Contrary to what humans always seem to think, I don’t have an innate knowledge of what my powers can do, much less how. I could learn obviously, even if learning this all by myself would be enormously hard.

I glanced down at the dry little branches. If I practice over and over I can make them as —or even more— tasty than the natural ones. It would be a long process but time is something I never lack.

I touched them carefully, as carefully as I had handled them before —which was clearly not enough given that they had died —, “reviving” them would be easy, of course, if they were truly dead it would be impossible, but that plant was just almost dead; past the point, I could help without magic.

My hand was already touching the dying plant, I just needed to do it.

I didn’t.

I love magic, it’s a part of myself I could never hate or live without. Also, I worked hard to learn all I know, and I know enough to live more than comfortably. The thing is: I worked really hard, it was always so hard. Back then the pressure of failing was almost overwhelming —almost, I had learned that feeling overwhelmed is a human thing, like handshakes—, although now, in my own calm cabin, in this humanless mountain, there is no pressure, no war, no death around, still, tea wasn’t enough reason to learn a new trick, was it? It wasn't worth the problem, right? That must be the reason I couldn’t get my power to flow to my fingertips to revive that plant, and somehow that must be the reason my hands were starting to slightly shiver.

I had to buy a new plant then. I didn’t want to go back to the town, there are so many new humans, and how would they react to me? I got lucky that all the town folks up until now were too dense to realize who I am, so I somehow managed to trick everyone into believing I’m human.

Well, almost everyone, the cubs were sharp, but human cubs get used to things fast, and they don’t seem to realize the implications of me not being a human, there is also the coachwoman who doesn’t care as long as I give her enough silver, and maybe two or three more humans, but the rest doesn’t know my real identity.

I closed my eyes, recalling what being “worshiped” was like, recalling these memories was painful. Many times I wished I could erase them as I can do to humans’. I felt the white “blood” run through my veins faster and faster as the bad memories came back, as I heard my breathing getting heavier and heavier, but I kept recalling, forcing myself to feel it fully, forcing my mind to remember all the reasons I can’t let the humans know how I am.

I opened my eyes again, breathing and calming myself down. This town’s humans not knowing who I am makes me low my guard from time to time, it’s always good to remember that being a god is bad. It’s for the better. I told my scared mind, this is a minor, essential pain that I must feel from time to time, else I may trust humans again, else it all can start over again.

I looked down, the dry plant was, of course, still there. I would plant it elsewhere to see if nature could take better care of it by itself, although I doubt it would.

Still looking down I noticed that the ground under me was burnt now; fire is a hard magic, and I refused to learn to control it when I could, I don’t regret it, of course, I knew humans would make me kill others of them otherwise and to burn a couple of things when stressed was a low price to pay to have less blood in my hands.

As I planted the mint thing under a shadowed spot I was relieved that my memory recalling —even if leaving a bitter taste in my mouth as consequence— took away all my craving for tea, which is good, since such a meaningless drink isn’t worth the price of people discovering my identity.

—

The days went by, and the plant was now truly dead, which did make me feel sad, but at least took away these nervous feelings I had when thinking about trying new magic.

My craving for tea was still strong, and my memory recalling moments —which were at most twice a month before— was as often as once a day now; I did that every time I wanted tea as I must make it stick in my mind the reason I can’t have it.

Humans had told me —and themselves— many lies, all said in little prayers like an unchangeable truth. “God bless thou who live by Their routine,” they said, “Do the same day in and day out and Their power will be greater!” they said. I don’t know if I stick to routines because I got used to doing so back then, or if I already was like this before it. Many times I don’t know what things were like before the humans’ wishes.

Truth is, routine is important to me, so today, when the afternoon was at its peak, I missed my tea once again. It was as if something inside me can’t see that such a thing isn’t important. Yes, I could ignore this craving, but I didn’t want to feel this at all! I wanted it to go away the fastest possible, so I closed my eyes once again and called the memories back.

They didn’t come, it took me a couple of seconds to realize the problem was that I hadn’t called for them at all, it was as if I had a cocked gun in my hands, with my finger already on the trigger and I just… couldn’t make myself fire it..

I realized that my mind —the same craving for the damn tea— wasn’t allowing me to call them, the same way they didn’t allow the power to run through my fingertips to revive that plant. Useless mind.

I took a deep, frustrated breath, “It can be that hard,” I looked at the trail that leads to the town, I managed to hide my identity from so many humans, and I can do the same with a couple more, right? All I needed was to come down, call a cub, get a new plant, and come back.

I also need to find the cubs, but how hard can it be with the amount of noise they do?

I took a last deep breath, pushing aside the fear I feel every time I have to go down the city, and started to walk down the mountain.

[isaacapatow]

* * #laundromat convo with @mayrarcjas

ike: -sidles closer to cass and penny -

Penny: -eyes isaac closely- Cass: -tugs Penny's arm and moves away, leaving Jake alone with him-

ike: dammit. they always have food on 'em. anybody else holding?

mayra: depends on what you want

ike: oh, you know me. i'm easy.

Cass: You can say that again

ike: -blows a kiss at her-

Cass: -dodges-

mayra: i thought that was my reputation? -snickers- i have a snack pack of peanuts

ike: gimme gimme. -cosies up next to mayra for peanuts like birds do-

mayra: -pulls out peanuts from bag- you don't need me to momma bird them to you do i? 'cause i know we're close but not that close

ike: not unless that's your thing, honeytail.

mayra: no, thanks. -hands bag over- okay, you gotta tell me. what's the honeytail nickname for?

Jake: Since I suddenly feel like I'm intruding, I'll leave you guys to your peanuts! -collects his clean laundry from the dryer and heads out-

ike: -greedily accepting the peanuts, shrugging- what's any nickname for? you seem like a honeytail. i … could elaborate on that but probably not here.

mayra: too pg-13 rated? -smirks-

ike: Heh. No, listen -- I thought it was a bird. Isn't it? There's gotta be some bird called honeytail. Since there's any number of tits.

Cass: I dunno, I'm with Jake. Why am I still watching this? Wanna go, Penny? Penny: do you even have to ask? Cass: We out. -feigns a mic drop even though she hasn't said anything remotely cool-

mayra: do i look like i spend my days watching and learning about birds?

ike: maybe. you're into all that meditation and mindfulness.

mayra: which has to do with an individuals self, not birds. only birds i deal with are the ones Salem brings to me as a gift.

ike: yikes. that cat of yours is a menace. plus she doesn't like me for some reason. but i'll win her over, just you wait and see.

mayra: you can start by getting it's gender right. salem is a he. and he probably isn't a fan of how massive you are. my other kitty is a fan. and that's the one that matters.

ike: -snickers, bumping against her with his hip- that IS the one that matters. anyhow all cats are girls. didn't you believe that as a kid? all cats are girls, and all dogs are boys. maybe i'm just stunted and never got past that.

mayra: my parents were too busy trying to make me the next einstein than teaching me silly things like that. plus, that might be your age showing.

ike: maybe. -shakes the packet of peanuts at her to offer her some- your parents had the wrong idea. you're brilliant in a whole different direction than einstein.

mayra: -holds out hand- well, thank you. i guess i can finally have the recognition i deserve from a different type of daddy.

ike: -groans softly- come on, i didn't deserve that.

mayra: oh? so should i not call you daddy during anymore? -smirks-

ike: you can if you want. but you know that wasn't what i was talking about.

mayra: and you should know, i wasn't talking about that either. -puts hand on his arm- how is it having ember here?

ike: weird. -leans a bit into her touch- i'm not qualified to be anybody's father. if i was, i woulda stuck around when she was little. but it's not like i can … un-be her dad.

mayra: sure you can. -shrugs- blood doesn't exactly make you family. at least, that's what i've learned. but this new world is all about starting over, right? no better time than the present.

ike: yeaaaaaaaah. -slings an arm around her to give her a squeeze and then gives her the rest of the peanuts- i'll figure it out. i just hope i don't fuck her up more in the process. were you close with your folks, when they weren't shoveling you into big brain classes?

mayra: are you truly a parent if you don't fuck up your kid? -leans into him and takes the peanuts, popping a few in her mouth- i wouldn't say close, persay. are we really going to talk about parents?

ike: i wanna know. i mean, if you wanna tell me. the whole, uh… -twirls his fingers- 'einstein' thing sounded like it was pretty rough.

mayra: -she sighs- my dad was the pediatric neurosurgeon at the children's hospital of philadelphia and my mom owned the biggest marketing company of the northeast region, meaning their child had to be something. i was playing piano without sheet music by the time i was four.

ike: -stops chewing, then swallows hard and leans back to look down at her with his eyebrows raised- sheeeeee-it. you weren't kidding about being expected to be a genius. so they wanted you to go into medicine? business? tchaikovsky?

mayra: -chuckles- they wanted me to work for nasa but i chose a different route. call it the first time i rebelled. i went to MIT for environmental health engineering but ended up leaving …

ike: i didn't know i was in bed with a goddamn genius this whole time. nasa?? that's outta this world. -snorts at his own joke, but subsides at her trail-off sentence- that one didn't work out for you, huh. engineering at mit.

mayra: it's amazing what people can hide, huh? -shrugs & pulls out from under his arm- let's go. it's getting stuffy in here. plus i got a cat to attend to.

ike: ohhhh-kay. whatever you want, honeytail. -trots out with her, reeling her in gently with his arm around her shoulders as they go and completely forgetting his own laundry-

[sudenlehto]

My experience with healing and developing the kind of self-compassion that allows me see where I'm being given less than the bare minimum, - often feels like growing out of a glass box.

You grow, but the glass breaks and the shards wound you. The price of wanting better is being reminded that indeed, you settled into a small glass box before, and therefore growing into a bigger version of yourself will remind you of this.

By this I mean the people in your life who, even if they've been good and supportive with you in many situations, - don't really exhibit the qualities of someone who could be truly close with you.

I mean people who have not yet unpacked the cruelty towards themselves, who still find it silly when someone grows out of the same mentality. I was just like that, and can still be like that in some life areas. I remember being younger and telling a fellow autistic person they're asking too much by asking their friend to stop perpetuating dehumanizing caricatures/stereotypes of autistic folk, because I was used to just taking plain open transphobia and ableism to my face without complaint, to not get abandoned by others. To me, tolerating bigotry towards myself was just how life was and I wasn't allowed to complain. The price of complaining was humiliation and being told I'm asking too much, and I had internalized this.

My words to that other autistic person were still cruel. I was wrong. That person just wanted their friend to have basic, bare minimum level of respect for themselves. I found it silly, and like it's asking too much, because I had never gotten even the bare minimum in my whole life. I could not envision this kind of thing in social relationships.

Similiarly, now that I'm growing to be the person who draws a really hard line to certain things, and has actual experience of what being truly listened to, respected and understood feels like, - this including people in my life committing to unlearning bigotries towards various marginalized identities of mine (and I'll do the same work with myself for their sake because I want them to be safe with me), - I am discovering how many people just can't do the work.

Their reaction to hearing of a wrong that seems too petty for them, is to mock it, to even rub it to my face a little bit, how much I need to just "take it", even if they're somewhat compassionate about it.

Because I've began growing out of my glass box, these moments I was formerly desensitized to, now make me very emotional. I feel hurt and betrayal, I feel the slight in them, because I remember what it felt like to share this with someone who was truly supportive.

It sucks to realize some friends go from friends to acquaintances you regard similiarly as a grandparent who you love but who is also toxic and homophobic and won't change. A part of their worldview will always dehumanize with you and view it as a personal attack that you ever stand up for yourself. They feel like you're the nuisance and the burden for wanting anything different.

You can't force people to change, or force their formation of opinions or worldviews. Everyone in this life comes to hurt another. Nobody is perfect. Everyone is triggering for someone. I have compassion for that these people are just in that kind of part of their own journey, but for my own good, I need to admit some folks are just toxic to me.

For my truth and integrity, their views and attitudes feel violating. I am not a bigger person than this. This hurts me. I will no longer deny my hurt, like I did for my whole lifetime. If a friend's reaction to my pain about dehumanizing tropes that were repeatedly used to abuse me is to make fun of it, that friend is cruel, and doesn't respect me.

This work to undo my desensitization has restored me to be more in touch with my emotions than I've ever been. I literally use testosterone HRT which is stereotyped for how little you'd cry on it, but this emotional work with myself has actually made me more prone to tears than I've ever been back when I had PMS. I get moved to tears by little things, I feel emotionally vibrant, - and that includes feeling hurt and angry to the fullest scale too.

It's beautiful to finally be present and able to feel my emotions so vibrantly, outside of just mind-numbing bitterness and rage or terrified fawning, my typical default states...

It's just that this sensitive, true and beautiful person needs to be treated with a certain level of kindness and protection.

I can not change others, but I can change how I encage with them, or whether I encage at all actually.

A boundary is something you say you won't do. "You keep doing that and I won't stay here in this room with you."

A rule is telling others what to do."Do not talk about banana peels in my presence."

Making boundaries is stuff like... - Never staying in conversations where the other person starts verbally abusing you - Never encaging with people on topics they have shitty and hurtful views about because this gives them a chance to hurt you. - Not arguing with assholes. Instead, not giving them a time of your day.

In this world, especially when multiply marginalized, your dehumanization is everywhere, behind every corner. Repeated bigger and smaller traumas over the same shit happen simply because you refuse to give up on life and encage with society. Sometimes the PTSD anger makes it hard to make good decisions. Sometimes it feels like you're forced to fight, to get justice, to win yourself back from someone else. But often the damage you'll suffer from being punished and victim-blamed is even worse than the initial offense, and not worth the fight.

It's a heartbreak, because it's repeated losses of people who were truly bright stars in your sky, to them being assholes and unwilling to work on it. If you feel stupid and belittled for even kindly bringing up a problem, that's a red flag.

Your only option remains kindness and love with boundaries.

By this I mean, especially kindness for yourself. You need to create your own bubble where you thrive. You get to be exclusive with who belongs to your more personal sphere. With CPTSD it's hard to have "layers" of social relations, as we kind of fall in love with even strangers for being kind of nice to us and stuff... Or worse, we mistake our terrified fawning for 'love'.

Yes, you can be in community with the people who are well-meaning but harbor a couple of toxic views here and there. But it's very different to be friends than acquaintances with someone.

You can have your broader sphere of people where you also navigate the people who are sometimes difficult. Maybe these people, too, are in different tiers, - some are ones you avoid unless mandatory to interact some way, some are people whose company you seek occasionally and others are those fair-weather-buddies you don't really take your mask off for.

With my all-or-nothing thinking stemming from this angry part of my healing journey, it's easy to forget this, and fully obliterate your relations with some people you simply just needed clearer boundaries with.

Your more personal sphere of people are the ones you are letting into your thriving and love bubble. With CPTSD it's such a difficult concept that there can be things that are yours, which exist so that you can have your needs met. That's something healthy people naturally know to cultivate. For us CPTSD havers it's a struggle to conceptualize we too can create our exclusive, personal bubbles we get to be selective with.

These bubbles are our source of strength and joy. They are our sanctuary. Only the people who truly listen to and respect us are welcome here. Being here is a priviledge of the few, one that can be revoked too.

Without my own bubble, or remembering I should be gardering and cultivating it, - I'm just an angry, resentful mess who feels that I'm forced to fight people, because I can't make the choice to close my world away from them. I'm constanty angry, always at war with everyone, feeling in my bones how I can not escape the evil projections casted on me to justify my dehumanization and mistreatment. It makes me feel claustrophobic, like a trapped animal that wants to kill and destroy, kill and destroy....

It's a constant stabbing and exhausting pain to have mind-numbing anger bigger than this body, because I want control, because I want JUSTICE, because I want to "teach a lesson". I'm a nightmare that wants to kill, a nightmare that wants to crush your skull to the wall, and drown your annoying friend into the nearest water sink like he fucking deserves, - in my homicidal ideation, that is.

It doesn't represent my values or real opinions.

TL;DR; When you grow to care for yourself better, you'll realize some people are more toxic than you thought. Sometimes you realize you're no longer compatible.

Disappointments, loss, betrayal and grief are always on their way. Sometimes it feels like asking for even the bare minimum is almost like asking to be punished, - with the wrong people in your personal inner circle, that is.

The anger can sometimes consume you. You can't escape the source of it because you exist in a society.

The solution is letting go. Making your own personal bubble that exists as your sanctuary, to get your needs met, and that you only choose the people for that make you feel genuinely safe, listened to and accepted. You need this source of love, kindness, strength and joy.

The love will be greater than the hate. It'll make you a stronger, more resourceful person.

[hyuccubus]

A podcast ruined my life

I'm exaggerating, pulling the familiar con of sensationalism to draw you in. But this is a heavy one. Look how personable I'm being now, though, so humble and effacing. I put the "personal" in "personal stories"!

But seriously, a podcast fucked me up mentally. It wasn't even something immediately triggering; a true crime oddity that hit a little too close to home, but nothing with the typical American bent; no blood, no guts, no repurposed farm tools sticking out of the trash bins, buzzing with more flies than usual for this time of year.

It was an episode of Stuff You Should Know about, and this is where I would recommend anyone with anxiety disorder either prepare yourselves or stop reading, I mean it, just let this one go.

Going once.

Going twice.

The Tylenol Murders. I won't bring up the specifics, it involves poison, a lack of leads, and needless death. The thing of interest, beyond the rubber-necking into human suffering the eternally connected consumer is all too happy to indulge in, was that it changed so much of how medications make it to the shelves.

There's a few layers of irony here. The hosts certainly didn't mean to scare anyone; this happened once and has never happened again, some have tried to cover up their murdered spouses by blaming a copycat, some even causing irreparable harm to folks caught in the crossfire, but nothing like the initial case. For one thing, the copycats were caught.

Another irony; I was listening to the podcast at work to keep myself from driving myself up the wall from anxiety, thinking too much about things I shouldn't be thinking about. I even thought maybe I should skip that episode, for my own sake. But no, I decided, I am not a slave to my anxiety. I will not let it dictate what I do and not do. And it proceeded to drive me up a wall.

What's funny is, it didn't immediately destroy me. The idea was like a spore, taking root in my brain, biding its time. I got to thinking about how many hands touch the things that go into my body. The lack of control. The possibility. The agony of a body's death when it cannot process oxygen. The fear, the animal desire to breathe, and nothing can help you, no one can save you, and your family will see the sheet pulled back, and cover their mouths, tears budding in the ducts of their eyes, and say yes, that's you, or it was you, and all it takes is a pinch of powder.

It doesn't matter that it doesn't happen, that it's nigh impossible, you'd win the lottery ten times over before then... it could. It just could.

And it controlled me. I had trouble eating anything, I had to convince myself I would be okay, wait until I was around people I trusted and blindfold myself with the comfort that they wouldn't let anything happen to me. And I fucking hate it. I still won't take tylenol. I still have trouble taking anything unless I myself buy the bottle, open it, break the seal, and inspect the pills. I can't go back. I can't take the information out of my head.

I'm getting there. I'm realizing I'd be able to taste the poison at that dose, that manufacturers very very much do not want such a thing in their products, that microbes don't escape their purview, how could cyanide? But I'll more likely than not always have the twinge of fear. Every time I feel a headache, I don't think about allergies or hormonal periods, I think about what I ate, or drank. Could it have been spiked?

"No, of course not", says my rational brain.

"You can't prove that," says the fear.

But I'm still here. And I need to eat, and I really want medicine, and I'll have to find a way to deal with it. It's nobody's fault but mine. I'm getting to a point where I'm more afraid of what the stress will do to me than the idea of death by cyanide. I can't live my life by "what if"s, after all.

That's all the moral I have for you. If you think you should stay away from something, listen to it. You're not stronger for exposing yourself to things you don't want. Understanding your limits is a kind of strength all its own.

[goombasa]

Using Linux Casually

I really like using Linux.

I am also not much of a power user.

I'll admit, as someone who grew up in the 90's and sort of grew up alongside the internet, I've been glued to desktops for most of my life, and aside from a brief stint in college where I decided to change things up a bit, I used Windows for most of that time. But being so tied to the Windows infrastructure, I've paid a lot of attention to all of the various changes and alterations made to the operating system, and a few years ago, around the time when Windows 11 was starting to kick into high gear (might have been right around when they announced the EoL for Win10), I decided that I didn't really want to use Windows any more, but I wasn't about to drop a ton of money on getting myself an Apple. That stint in college I mentioned? Convinced me that, even if I could have afforded it, I really didn't want to be part of that particular walled garden.

I had only heard tangentially about Linux at this point and didn't really understand exactly what it was, so I started doing some research, and let me tell you, if you can grasp the basics about it, that is a very easy rabbit hole to fall down. It took a couple weeks of research and educating myself on the different distributions, the different desktop environments, and which of them were most well equipped for general day-to-day use before I finally settled on Linux Mint. I had already been slowly gathering together some parts for a new PC anyway, so this seemed like as good a time as any to make the switch.

That was back at the tail end of 2020 or so. I was very fortunate to have everything I needed in hand before supply and pricing went wonky in the PC parts space, especially for graphics cards. Still feel like I overpaid a bit, but at least I wasn't paying triple the price. Anyway, it was one of the most painless setups I'd had up to that point, and once I got it up and running and got into Linux… it feel good. It felt familiar and different at the same time, and apart from a more convenient means of installing the basic programs that I use day to day, not a lot has really changed for me day to day. 

I think the mainstream idea of Linux as an impenetrable tech-bro's paradise for hacking and coding and programming is still pretty prominent because there aren't a lot of less tech-savvy folks that use it, despite the fact that it is getting much easier to get into. Distributions of linux like Elementary OS, Linux Mint, Ubuntu, or Zorin OS are made to be much easier to use by those who are transitioning from Windows. Mint in particular really feels like it's trying to be close to Windows in terms of aesthetic layout. A few major PC retailers do sell a limited number of machines with Linux pre-installed. Dell, Lenovo, and even HP sell laptops with Mint and Ubuntu, and there are some smaller retailers like Tuxedo and System 76 that are completely dedicated to selling prebuilt machines with Linux preinstalled. It is easier than ever to get a lot of software from Windows, including a good chunk of the games on Steam, to work on Linux through things like Wine, Bottles, and Proton. Proton, if you don't know, is also what lets you play a lot of the games on the Steam Deck too.

But even with all of the steps forward Linux has made, it's hard to compete with something that got such a big head start. Windows is bloated, unwieldy, and in many cases is becoming more and more unfriendly to people who value their privacy, up to and including forcing people to have a Microsoft account to even set up their operating system if you don't have the time or inclination to find a work-around for that, and most folks who just want a computer to write documents, watch youtube, or keep in touch with friends and family aren't going to think twice about it. It's a convenience, and with how little Linux machines are actually marketed in the mainstream, most are still under the idea that they have to install it themselves. And Windows still wins when it comes to out-of-the-box compatibility.

If you use specific programs, well, Linux isn't really open to you. Adobe has no legit Linux version and Wine just doesn't help get it up and running. Davinci Resolve does have a linux version, but it only works for one specific distribution, and you have to jump through a whole bunch of hoops to get it working on any other ones, to the point where it really doesn't feel like it's worth it. Hardware is just as bad. Keyboards and mice will basically always work out of the box, and so long as you don't need those proprietary RGB programs, they're not going to give you any issues, but if you need a drawing tablet that isn't Wacom, and even then not every tablet from Wacom will work, good luck getting it working completely. There is a program that lets you use a stream deck on Linux, but it's very basic and requires you to utilize a plugin to even get it working with OBS, one of the main reasons you'd want a Stream Deck in the first place. As far as Linux has come, it can sometimes still feel like it's still a tinkerer's playground for people who don't want everything done for them.

Linux is in a fascinating position where it IS still a playground for people who want to tinker and learn and code, and develop, and even build portions of the system or software themselves if they want. But it's also approaching a point where it can be used by the average user pretty easily, with the biggest hurdle being just getting it in front of someone so that they can use it. There is a learning curve there, there always will be when you're changing to a fundamentally different system, but the hurdle is so low, I think that anyone who is comfortable with Windows is more than capable of casually using Ubuntu or Linux Mint once they're up and running. The problem is just getting there. And of course, if they want to do anything more complicated than the basics of running a computer, things might get a bit complicated depending on what they want to do, but if they want to watch videos, communicate, get online, or do quite a bit of creative work, from 3D modeling to 2D art to music and video production, so long as they don't need access to anything that's uber professional, Linux has them covered and makes it very easy to get at what they need.

I genuinely think that Linux is something that everyone should at least try once, something that's fairly easy to do if you're using a bootable USB drive. But even then, I don't think most people are interested in even going that far, seeing it as too much effort for something that they might not even continue using after the fact anyway. And that's fair, which is why I think having someone around who at least knows the basics to help them over the hurdles to get started is a necessity too, but like… not someone who's SUPER into Linux, not someone who's going to suggest the command line for every little thing. We need more people out there who will show new users how to use the basic graphical user interface means of doing a lot of this stuff, because that is how you get more people interested; you show them that what you want them to try out is at least close to usable compared to what they're using now, while also laying out the usual positives.

I hope I've actually hit on something with this rambling. Because I do love Linux, it feels very comfortable to me, and on the whole, I like it a lot more than windows. Switching to Linux was the right choice for me, but I had to do a lot of research to reach that conclusion. And I feel like if that information was more readily available, and if it was made clear that you can do almost everything on the desktop the same way that you would on Windows, more folks would be willing to give Linux a try.

If you've never tried it before, I'd recommend at least trying out Linux Mint. If you've only ever used Windows, you will feel pretty at home here.

[i-promise-i-might-be-human]

Alone in my thoughts, i am a universe but if you sit me before a page, i suddenly forget how to speak. i forget how to formulate words and i cease to exist, or at least i think i do. i am only real in my mind, when i speak in my head to myself and i say all the things i want to say...

Once i am given the chance to speak, i have nothing to say. I don't know how to verbalize the billion thoughts inside my head. maybe its the language i am using to communicate that halts me. because i speak in silence, i move in the soft breaths and subtle gazes, and dreams and wishes and hopes and dreams. Always in the shadows, never directly because its not the way i like to move. for now, i want to be allowed my privacy and my slow pace and i cant do that when the lights are on me.

I do acknowledge that i need the lights on me sometimes. just long enough to motivate me to continue on my journey, just long enough to show me i am alive. i don't know when it happened but some time ago i stopped believing that people online were real folks. although i loved them for the things they said, the words that inspired me, the knowledge they taught me, and the wisdom they handed me. They are, an extension of my mind, providing me with the ability to showcase who i want to be, who i am, who i used to be, and who i no longer am.

When i am getting to know people, i know i pour my existence into learning all about them. in creating a space where they can be comfy: i am only able to be comfy if everyone else is. I wish it wasn't so.

unless comfy, i disappear within myself and wrap myself in a shroud of secrecy and deception. If you can't see me, i do not feel safe with you. And so... i have discovered that my greatest gift to you, when you meet me, is my ability to manifest myself in your presence. You will never know the depth of safety and warmth and affection you have provided me that allow me to breathe so freely in your presence. And it makes me almost indebted to you for allowing me the chance to be myself so fully.

I love you... for seeing me. And i finally understand what friendship means. what safety means. what love means. Now if i only knew how to define that line that separates us from platonic and romantic. I have decided that i don't love you romantically. i can not envision a life with you. i can not spend all my time with you. I... don't want you to see me as a woman anymore, just as your friend. your close friend that you love and care for.

but i am also afraid... that i never felt romantic feelings at all. that it was all anxiety and fear that made me pursue you. And i lost a friend for it and it aches inside me, that change, that lost. i never hurt her, the relationship is held open like a door; but... you ...cared for me...more than casually...more than lightly...more than friendly, and it hurts me, knowing that i did that.

Maybe not all of it, maybe not even any of it, but now i have ...nothing. She is gone, and with it, all my hopes and dreams of an intimate friendship. And when i look at him... i am feeling regret. because i lost something i really wanted and i didn't know i did until it was too late. I still have to mourn the loss... i haven't given myself the chance to feel it but i feel it. like flashing a wound with alcohol or touching burn. i ache because i did something wrong...i feel like i did something wrong and i am lost.... i am lost on what to do and what to feel...

and it hurts...

[x-hollywoodghoul-x]

If there was any disappointment or repulsion at what the man on the tv had mutated into, he didn't see it in Janey's face. Disarmingly, she seemed to be taking his disfigured features in stride. Clearly he was not the first ghoul she'd been sat this close to for a chat.

God, how long had she been out here? Since before he'd been put in the ground by Dom Pedro? How many times had they passed through the same routes like ships in the night, utterly unaware of how close they were to finding each other? How many times had she almost been killed before they ever even crossed paths?

He could have killed her himself, without ever even recognising her for who she was. The realisation was chilling.

"It's you."

A gentle touch jolted The Ghoul out of his grim rumination. He reflexively tensed under the contact, eyeing the hand that had settled onto his bony knee as if it was a hallucination that he hadn't expected to actually be real. He could feel the warmth of her palm through his trouser leg; it stirred a faint memory of a time when physical affection had been as natural as breathing, and made his throat tighten.

When was the last time someone had touched him outside of a fight? He didn't remember. Nobody touched him. Everyone who survived meeting The Ghoul knew better than to try and become too familiar.

He was acutely aware of the ropes pinning his arms to his sides.

"You remember me. You are real... I knew it..."

Considering how many folks he'd outlived with his condition, she had no idea just how lucky they were that he had any memories or lucidity left at all.

...Why had she been doubting whether he was real? She'd definitely been old enough to remember him. Then again, maybe whatever way she'd been preserved for this long had messed with her head, too.

"... hell you mean how am I here? How are you here? I was safe in a Vault, you were... what, you were out here for two hundred years? Is that even possible?"

The Ghoul simply lifted his shoulders in an awkward little shrug, and leaned back against the overturned trolley. The dig of metal bars against his back was grounding. Shit, he was too high for this kind of conversation. It had been a long time since he'd actually wanted to be sober when talking to someone, but right now it was only adding to the already mountainous pile of ways he was really fucking up this long-awaited family reunion.

"I was searchin' for you," he told her flippantly, as though that wasn't a horribly exposing confession to scrape out of his chest and plop down on the floor in between them. As though it really was just a matter of being too stubborn to die before he found out what had happened to her.

"Knew them vaults would open up eventually. Just had to find the right one."

And discard all his moral principles so that he could make enough money to feed his growing dependency on those damned vials for survival.

"God, you were out here all this time? I thought you died that day, I thought... if I had known... could've..."

The Ghoul tilted his head to one side, slanting her a wry little smile with a morbidly knowing edge.

"You were a kid. Nothin' you could've done, darlin'."

Cooper Howard had died a long time ago. Janey Howard would've died too, if she hadn't made it into that vault. And not all things that died became reborn - or lasted half as long as he'd managed to.

He gave a pointed little look down at the ropes that bound him, and a querying eyebrow raise in Janey's direction - do you mind?

Fortunately, she seemed to have just had the same awkward epiphany that restraints were largely an obsolete thing at this point.

"Shit, the rope. Right."

The Ghoul stayed very still as she drew her knife and hesitated over him. Why was she hesitating? Why was she looking at him like that now, with shaky hands? It unsettled him that he couldn't get a clear read on what she was thinking. He didn't know this adult Janey at all. Being family didn't necessarily mean that she wasn't going to fuck him over - he'd seen families turn on each other countless times before. That didn't make the concept hurt any less.

He'd rather be shot by that vault-dweller. He'd rather be ripped apart by ferals or eaten alive by a gulper. He'd rather face any other death than one at his own daughter's hands.

"Wait, do you remember-"

His brow furrowed. It had been two hundred fucking years, so there were no guarantees he was going to have crystal-clear memory recall of whatever this last-minute little test was supposed to be.

Or maybe this was where he found out he'd unknowingly killed one of her buddies, or some similarly awkward shit.

"What's the last thing you taught me? Before the slice of cake."

The Ghoul simply stared at her in blank silence.

...Well. Shit. He vaguely remembered that they'd been talking about something, just the two of them, before he'd gone inside to try and ask the hostess if he could take a slice of cake for her. What had they been talking about, again? This was going to look really bad if he couldn't remember, but being put on the spot like this was difficult enough when it was about something that happened last year - let alone two centuries ago.

"Do you remember what you told me, the thing about the cloud, and what to do?"

There was a flicker of comprehension across his marred features; his expression turned oddly distant, etched with something uncharacteristically somber.

Is it your thumb, or mine?

A gloved hand twitched at his side, then balled into a shaky fist; slowly, he turned it and raised his thumb in the abhorrent gesture he had avoided for so long. The gesture that had become so synonymous with Vault Tec's brand, because of one stupid photoshoot he'd done for them, that they'd kept it even after they cut him out of all their marketing.

"...If the cloud's smaller than your thumb, run for the hills." The words were very quiet and hollow, recited on autopilot.

"If it's bigger... don't bother runnin'."

Ironic, how utterly he'd disregarded that advice he'd been given in the marines the moment he'd been faced with a nuclear bomb with his daughter at his side. He hadn't even hesitated to grab her and run. And despite all the odds, they were both still here.

"...How'd the vaults keep you alive this long? Where's your mom?"

@savingthrcw

She kept watching him with the same rapt attention as before, studying his face, his eyes, his reactions. Even her mother couldn't have come up with putting him in a coffin and spreading voices of him being such a good shot just in case Janey was hit by one of her moments of stupidity - what Roy called compassion - and decided she definitely, absolutely, needed to pull him out of the ground and see if he wanted a job. It was too convoluted, right? "…I ain't the man on tv."

Like fuck he wasn't.

"...Not any more. How are you here?"

There he was. Janey sat back down, or more accurately had to drop more heavily on the floor after sitting up so straight, and for a moment she just felt that there was a hole where her emotions should be now that she wasn't spouting a list of proof that she was his daughter; she didn't know what happened now, what was supposed to happen. Shoulders dropping, the look on her face was one of both longing and fear, and she reached out to drop a hand on his knee, to feel something solid against her palm, something real. "It's you," she repeated in a small voice, more to herself than to communicate with him. "You remember me." Ah, there was another emotion, leftover fear that his brain had just erased her after two hundred years. "You are real... I knew it..."

He was my dad, it was all real, she had said so many damn times growing up, at first to her mother and the counselor she was brought to so she'd discuss her 'nervous breakdown', then to herself at night. As unlikely as it was, the movie star, cowboy, who had saved her from radiation taking her to the Vault on a horse, was very, very real.

"... hell you mean how am I here? How are you here? I was safe in a Vault, you were... what, you were out here for two hundred years? Is that even possible?" Considering he looked actually different from most Ghouls, yet so much less like a corpse than some who were still fighting and kicking at her camp, it did seem possible that he had found some hack. "God, you were out here all this time? I thought you died that day, I thought... if I had known... could've..."

Shit, if she had known she could have looked for him. She could've found him. She'd have put up fucking posters with her name and location if she had to, screw Vault 31. But no, she had been so convinced he must have died because of the radiation that it had never crossed her mind to look.

"Shit, the rope. Right." She straightened up on her knees and turned off the tv, taking a knife off her belt so she could cut it off, but hesitated at last, hovering over him - it was her imagination now and she knew it, but from up close she could see her father's face even more, despite all the mess left by radiation. "Wait, do you remember-" something only she would know, now something only he would know. That was how it was meant to be done, no matter how sure she was that it was her dad. And her fucking hands were shaking, that was sure new. Only times she remembered shaking was as a kid and when the Deathclaw had started literally eating her. "What's the last thing you taught me? Before the slice of cake. Do you remember what you told me, the thing about the cloud, and what to do?"

[on-a-lucky-tide]

I know you don't write Jaskier much anymore, but could you maybe do something with Eskel being kind? After S2, I am so sad.

Hey, Non. You know what? Yeah, I can do you something. One book/game canon Eskel coming right up. I've set it in the Trust No Kings universe, so I hope that's okay. If you haven't read it, a brief summary: Jaskier turns up at Kaer Morhen and makes a really bad first impression. Eskel doesn't trust him because he's another upstart noble in fancy clothes set to take advantage of people like him—or so he believes! Jaskier tries to fix the issue by offering intimate relations; Eskel doesn't take this well. This is Jaskier trying to make the effort to heal a bit of the hurt...

Jaskier knew he had to fix this somehow. When he woke the morning after Eskel's apology, he felt a sickening weight in the pit of his stomach and a creeping niggle beneath his skin. The kind of feeling that settled in when one was very much aware of being in the wrong. The scratch-scratch of an unsettled issue, the uneasy queasiness of a temporary truce.

But how did one fix such a slight? Jaskier had to confront decades' worth of deeply ingrained distrust. Fear. When Eskel looked at Jaskier, he didn't see Geralt's best friend, a lively and verbose troubadour with a flighty heart full of song. Eskel saw a Viscount in expensive silks and linens, with the ear of other nobles and history of... well, Jaskier didn't really want to consider what Eskel believed him capable of.

Over breakfast, Jaskier sparred with Lambert, exchanging barbed comments about the weather being especially dismal this year, especially given the calibre of the current company. He tried not to stare at Eskel, who ate his watered-down porridge silently at the far end of the table. Geralt kept glancing over too, a crease forming in the centre of his forehead, lips tilted in a thoughtful frown. Something was wrong. Eskel was usually most ebullient at mealtimes, with warm mead in his belly and plenty of food to hand, but he sat lost in his own head and barely registered his companions. In fact, Eskel didn't look up at all until Vesemir barked at him to help with the dishes, at which point he swiped up his half-finished bowl and fled to the sink.

Jaskier wasn't the only one feeling that sense of uneasiness then.

Rather than rush in headfirst, Jaskier resolved to watch and plot from afar once more. He had to approach this differently. If Eskel believed all his actions to be self-serving and manipulative, then he had to find a way to show genuine interest. While Jaskier had hoped he could grow close to Eskel, Geralt's first and most enduring love, and find a level of intimacy that they could nurture into something more in the coming years, he'd settle for something akin to friendship. Warm acquaintance. Anything but this uncomfortable civility.

He needed to get Eskel on his own too. Because every time Geralt was near, Jaskier could see Eskel glancing across, looking for cues in body language and facial ticks. Geralt probably didn't even realise Eskel was following his lead, oblivious to the way his best friend and lover was scrambling desperately to please him. But that was Geralt, wasn't it? Woefully unaware of his own importance to those around him. Jaskier needed Eskel alone. But not somewhere he felt cornered. Certainly not his quarters, or in the kitchens. Outside, maybe. But not the training grounds or while they were heading out for meat. Those were the spaces Eskel shared with Geralt, Lambert and Vesemir, spaces in which Jaskier wasn't yet welcome.

Jaskier spent those few days while he waited for an opportunity to talk with Eskel just listening. He could listen. He was a good listener. He listened to Eskel hum an old folk song while he scrubbed laundry, swap tawdry jokes with Lambert edged in a quiet, unassuming wit that made Lambert's characteristic scowl melt into a lopsided grin. When Eskel was with Geralt, he communicated in soft touches - the elbow, the small of his back, a nudge of the foreheads together, a deep and longing kiss - and subtle in-jokes. Jaskier needed to learn this language. He needed to learn Eskel's language. But for that, he needed to practice.

So, that was how Jaskier ended up standing just inside the barnyard door. Halfway between inside and outside, with an empty bucket in his hands because he rather felt he should be holding something to appear like he intended to be there for a purpose other than to speak with Eskel.

Said witcher was muttering quietly to the busy flock of hens clucking and gurgling around his ankles. He called them 'dames' with a quiet, affectionate lilt to his tone as he lifted their hefty, feathered bodies in search of eggs. The single cockerel in residence was dubbed 'pecky fuck' when Eskel thought no one was listening, a name that the creature was currently justifying with gusto as it pecked at Eskel's ankles in search of feed.

"Quite the attitude, that one," Jaskier said, tilting the bucket.

Eskel looked up, nudging the cockerel away with the toe of his boot. "Yeah. Thought of maybe renamin' him Lambert." He hesitated with a palmful of dried corn, and Jaskier watched his throat bob as he swallowed. "Was there somethin' you needed, or...?"

"Oh!" Jaskier's back straightened and he looked at the bucket in his grasp as if seeing it for the first time. "Yes! Geralt needed, uh, some..." he looked around the stable quickly, hoping to spot something useful, and... "oats."

"Oats?"

"Yes, you know, umm," Jaskier turned the bucket over and over, "for... cake."

They both knew the pantry had oats for baking. The oats in the stable were fit for Roach and Scorpion alone, and Eskel glanced at the heavy bags hanging the stable wall with a pensive look on his face. Jaskier stared at him with his lips turned in, half begging for a little bit of mercy with widened eyes; he'd made himself look even more a fool. His olive branch may be mangled, metaphorical leaves falling off and bark cracked, but it was still a plea for peace.

Eskel dabbed at his scars and Jaskier's heart sank. He knew what that meant. It was a universal Eskel sign for 'I'm uncomfortable'. Jaskier turned to leave, but Eskel reached out before he could cross the threshold. "Wait, lemme... come an' help me finish here, and we'll go get the right oats."

Jaskier felt his heart leap into his throat. He was being trusted with a chore. One of Eskel's chores, which were always completed in a certain way; tidy and efficient. Jaskier put the bucket down and practically fell over his own feet to get to Eskel's outstretched hands, both of his own cupped to accept the fistful of grain. He stood for a quiet moment, eyeing the bustling hens around Eskel's feet.

Eskel cleared his throat. "You need t' spread it."

"Do I just... sprinkle? Like this?" Jaskier tipped the grain into one palm and took a pinch. He sprinkled it near some hens and then blinked as Eskel... chuckled. A real one; the deep, quiet rumble of genuine amusement he spared for those quiet chats with Lambert.

"S'a barn floor, not a Novigrad bathhouse," Eskel quipped, scarred lips quirked up in the beginnings of a warm smile. "Here, close your fist, an'—"

Eskel reached inside the large sack at his hip and dropped a fistful of grain in a roughly even semi-circle around them. The hens clucked happily, pecking at the floor as they bustled into each other.

"Ah, yes, but it is a fine stable floor, exquisite, truly—what?"

"'M not gonna bite you, Jaskier," Eskel said, rubbing thoughtfully at the deep rivets on his cheek. "You're nervous. You don' need to be."

"You can smell emotions?"

"I can smell your sweat." Eskel raised an eyebrow, and Jaskier tried to surreptitiously sniff at his own armpit when Eskel turned away.

"I—I suppose I'm nervous because I don't want to worsen the impression you have of me, I want to—to prove that I'm worthy of Geralt," Jaskier said, fingers flexing against his palms as he yearned to fill his hands with something to hold. An anchor. His hands needed to be doing something. "That I'm worthy of your friendship."

Eskel paused mid-hen lift. The bird between his big hands clucked quietly, head tipping, feathers puffing around his fingers. Jaskier knew he'd struck something—a nerve, perhaps? Another one. Instead of opening his mouth, he kept it closed, waited. Eskel lowered the small hen, with its feathery feet and sweet speckled pattern, and reached for one of the eggs in her nest. "You don' need to prove anythin'—"

"Ah, ah." Jaskier shifted forward a little, hands outspread. "You see, I do. You go quiet when I'm near, you—you behave like I could lash out with a knife at any moment if you're too—," Jaskier stopped before he said it: if you're too 'you'. Eskel was—was Eskel worried about—?

"'M sorry I've made you feel—"

"Eskel, I don't need more apologies," Jaskier sighed, rubbing a palm over his chest as his heart beat against his ribcage. "I would be very grateful for a... a chance to prove myself. To earn your trust. One more chance."

Eskel turned the small egg over in his huge hands. Jaskier could imagine what those hands would feel like on his skin; stroking his cheek, touching his elbow, carding weathered fingers through his hair. And Geralt between them both. Their shared, unerring lover helping smooth the way for the fragile, tentative affection blossoming between them. A pipedream, perhaps.

One thing Jaskier had learned through his observations was that Eskel was a man of action, over words. That was his language. One with which Jaskier was still not familiar. But he translated Eskel's next actions well enough. The witcher plucked the bag of grain from his belt and placed it in one of Jaskier's flexing hands. Jaskier let out the breath he'd been holding and offered a tentative smile. A smile that was returned, if only faintly. Eskel only smiled and laughed with loved ones. Jaskier was... well, he only had a foot in the door. His second chance.

They worked together to feed the rest of the hens. Eskel filled a basket full of small, feathery eggs and Jaskier bustled between the hens, feeding them as evenly as he could. They clucked and gurgled and pecked contentedly.

Surprisingly, it was Eskel that broke the silence. "Were you serious? About the oats?"

"Oh, no, I... panicked."

"Ah, shame, I make a mean oat cake," Eskel hummed.

"Oh! No, I mean, yes, yes—I would love to taste your oats."

"Would you now?" Eskel said, one eyebrow high as he headed out the barn door.

"Well, I..." Jaskier trailed off as he spotted the glint in Eskel's honey-hued eyes before he ducked into the courtyard. That had been a joke. Eskel had joked with him. He hadn't done that yet. In fact, Eskel only joked with Lambert and Geralt. This. This was progress.

Bolstered by his achievement, Jaskier bid the Dames of Kaer Morhen adieu and followed Eskel into the wintry afternoon air. If the way into Eskel's confidence was to fumble through as many chores as he could, then he was ready to roll his sleeves up and get stuck in.